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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/25491-0.txt b/25491-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9985814 --- /dev/null +++ b/25491-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8709 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Sunshine, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Peck's Sunshine + Being a Collection of Articles Written for Peck's Sun, + Milwaukee, Wis. - 1882 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25491] +Last Updated: October 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S SUNSHINE *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +PECK'S SUNSHINE + +By George W. Peck + +Being a Collection of Articles Written for Peck's Sun, Milwaukee, Wis., +Generally Calculated to Throw Sunshine Instead of Clouds on the Faces +of Those Who Read Them. + +Belford, Clarke & Co. - 1882. + + + + +“NOT GUILTY.” + +Gentlemen of the Jury: I stand before you charged with an attempt to +“remove” the people of America by the publication of a new book, and I +enter a plea of “Not Guilty.” While admitting that the case looks strong +against me, there are extenuating circumstances, which, if you will +weigh them carefully, will go far towards acquitting me of this dreadful +charge. The facts are that I am not responsible, I was sane enough up to +the day that I decided to publish this book and have been since; but +on that particular day I was taken possession of by an unseen power--a +Chicago publisher-who filled my alleged mind with the belief that the +country demanded the sacrifice, and that there would be money in it. If +the thing is a failure, I want it understood that I was instigated by +the Chicago man; but if it is a success, then, of course, it was an +inspiration of my own. + +The book contains nothing but good nature, pleasantly told yarns, jokes +on my friends; and, through it all, there is not intended to be a line +or a word that can cause pain or sorrow-nothing but happiness. + +Laughter is the best medicine known to the world for the cure of many +diseases that mankind is subject to, and it has been prescribed with +success by some of our best practitioners. It opens up the pores, and +restores the circulation of the blood, and the despondent patient that +smiles, is in a fair way to recovery. While this book is not recommended +as an infallible cure for consumption, if I can throw the patient into +the blues by the pictures, I can knock the blues out by vaccinating with +the reading matter. + +To those who are inclined to look upon the bright side of life, this +book is most respectfully dedicated by the author. + +GEO. W. PECK. Milwaukee, Wis., + +March, 1882. + + + + +PECK'S SUNSHINE. + + + + +FEMALE DOCTORS WILL NEVER DO. + +A St. Louis doctor factory recently turned out a dozen female doctors. +As long as the female doctors were confined to one or two in the whole +country, and these were experimental, the _Sun_ held its peace, and did +not complain; but now that the colleges are engaged in producing female +doctors as a business, we must protest, and in so doing will give a few +reasons why female doctors will not prove a paying branch of industry. + +In the first place, if they doctor anybody it must be women, and +three-fourths of the women had rather have a male doctor. Suppose these +colleges turn out female doctors until there are as many of them as +there are male doctors, what have they got to practice on? + +A man, if there was nothing the matter with him, might call in a female +doctor; but if he was sick as a horse--and when a man is sick he is +sick as a horse--the last thing he would have around would be a female +doctor. And why? Because when a man wants a female fumbling around him +he wants to feel well. He don't want to be bilious, or feverish, with +his mouth tasting like cheese, and his eyes bloodshot, when a female is +looking over him and taking an account of stock. + +Of course these female doctors are all young and good looking, and if +one of them came into a sick room where a man was in bed, and he had +chills, and was as cold as a wedge, and she should sit up close to the +side of the bed, and take hold of his hand, his pulse would run up to +a hundred and fifty and she would prescribe for a fever when he had +chilblains. Then if he died she could be arrested for malpractice. O, +you can't fool us on female doctors. + +A man who has been sick and had male doctors, knows just how he would +feel to have a female doctor come tripping in and throw her fur lined +cloak over a chair, take off her hat and gloves, and throw them on a +lounge, and come up to the bed with a pair of marine blue eyes, with a +twinkle in the corner, and look him in the wild, changeable eyes, and +ask him to run out his tongue. Suppose he knew his tongue was coated so +it looked like a yellow Turkish towel, do you suppose he would want to +run out five or six inches of the lower end of it, and let that female +doctor put her finger on it, to see how it was furred? Not much! He +would put that tongue up into his cheek, and wouldn't let her see it for +twenty-five cents admission. + +We have all seen doctors put their hands under the bed-clothes and feel +a man's feet to see if they were cold. If a female doctor should do +that, it would give a man cramps in the legs. + +A male doctor can put his hand on a man's stomach, and liver, and lungs, +and ask him if he feels any pain there; but if a female doctor should do +the same thing it would make a man sick, and he would want to get up and +kick himself for employing a female doctor. O, there is no use talking, +it would kill a man. + +Now, suppose a man had heart disease, and a female doctor should want +to listen to the beating of his heart. She would lay her left ear on his +left breast, so her eyes and rosebud mouth would be looking right in +his face, and her wavy hair would be scattered all around there, getting +tangled in the buttons of his night shirt. Don't you suppose his heart +would, get in about twenty extra beats to the minute? You bet! And +she would smile--we will bet ten dollars she would smile--and show her +pearly teeth, and her ripe lips would be working as though she were +counting the beats, and he would think she was trying to whisper to him, +and---- + +Well, what would he be doing all this time? If he was not dead yet, +which would be a wonder, his left hand would brush the hair away from +her temple, and kind of stay there to keep the hair away, and his right +hand would get sort of nervous and move around to the back of her head, +and when she had counted the heart beats a few minutes and was raising +her head, he would draw the head up to him and kiss her once for luck, +if he was as bilious as a Jersey swamp angel, and have her charge it in +the bill; and then a reaction would set in, and he would be as weak as +a cat, and she would have to fan him and rub his head till he got over +being nervous, and then make out her prescription after he got asleep. +No; all of a man's symptoms change when a female doctor is practicing on +him, and she would kill him dead. + +The _Sun_ is a woman's rights paper, and believes in allowing women to +do anything that they can do as well as men, and is in favor of paying +them as well as men are paid for the same work, taking all things into +consideration; but it is opposed to their trifling with human life, +by trying to doctor a total stranger. These colleges are doing a great +wrong in preparing these female doctors for the war path, and we desire +to enter a protest in behalf of twenty million men who could not stand +the pressure. + + + + +CROSSMAN'S GOAT. + +Mr. Crossman, of Marshall street, is a man who was once a boy himself, +if his memory serves him, and no boy of his is going to ask him for +anything that is in his power to purchase and be refused. But when +his boy asked him to buy a goat Mr. Crossman felt hurt. It was not +the expense of the goat that he looked at, but he never had felt that +confidence in the uprightness of the moral character of a goat that he +wanted to feel. + +A goat he always associated in his mind with a tramp, and he did not +feel like bringing among the truly good children of the neighborhood a +goat. He told his boy that he was sorry he had lavished his young and +tender affections on a goat, and hoped that he would try and shake off +the feeling that his life's happiness would be wrecked if he should +refuse to buy him a goat. The boy put his sleeve up over his eyes and +began to shed water, and that settled it. + +Mr. Crossman's religion is opposed to immersion, and when the infant +baptism began his proud spirit was conquered, and he told the boy +to lead on and he would buy the goat. They went over into the Polack +settlement and a Countess there, who takes in washing, was bereaved of +the goat, while Mr. Crossman felt that he was a dollar out of pocket. + +Now that he thinks of it, Mr. Crossman is confident that the old lady +winked as he led the goat away by a piece of clothes line, though at the +time he looked upon the affair as an honorable business transaction. If +he had been buying a horse he would have asked about the habits of the +animal, and would probably have taken the animal on trial. But it never +occurred to him that there was any cheating in goats. + +The animal finally pulled Mr. Crossman home, at the end of the clothes +line, and was placed in a neighbor's barn at eventide to be ready for +the morning's play, refreshed. About 6 o'clock in the morning, Mr. +Crossman was looking out of his window when he saw the neighboring lady +come out of the barn door head first, and the goat was just taking its +head away from her polonaise in a manner that Mr. Crossman considered, +with his views of propriety, decidedly impolite. + +Believing there was some misunderstanding, and that the goat was +jealous of a calf that was in the barn, and that the matter could be +satisfactorily explained to the goat, Mr. Crossman put the other leg in +his trousers, took a cistern pole and went to the front. The goat saw +him coming, and rushed out into the yard and stood up on its hind feet +and gave the grand hailing sign of distress, and as Mr. Cross-man turned +to see if any of the neighbors were up, he felt an earthquake strike +him a little below where he had his suspenders tied around his body. Mr. +Crossman repeated a portion of the beautiful Easter service and climbed +up on an ash barrel, where he stood poking the goat on the ear with the +cistern pole, when Mr. Crombie, who lives hard by. and who had come out +to split some kindling wood, appeared on the scene. + +Mr. Crombie is a man who grasps a situation at once, and though he is a +man who deliberates much on any great undertaking, when he saw the lady +behind the coal box, and Mr. Crossman on the ash barrel, he felt that +there was need of a great mind right there, and he took his with him +over the fence, in company with a barrel stave and a hatchet. He told +Crossman that there was only one way to deal with a goat, and that was +to be firm and look him right in the eye. He said Sep. Wintermute, at +Whitewater, once had a goat that used to drive the boys all around, but +he could do anything with him, by looking him in the eye. + +He walked toward the goat, with “his eyes sot,” and Mr. Crossman says +one spell he thought, by the way the goat looked sheepish, that Crombie +was a regular lion tamer, but just as he was about to paralyze the +animal, Mr. Crombie caught the strings of his drawers, which were +dragging on the ground, in the nails of a barrel hoop, and as he stooped +down to untangle them the goat kicked him with his head, at a point +about two chains and three links in a northwesterly direction from the +small of his back. Crombie gave a sigh, said, “I die by the hand of an +assassin,” and jumped up on a wagon, with the barrel stave and hatchet, +and the hoop tangled in his legs. + +The goat had three of them treed, and was looking for other worlds +to conquer, when Mr. Nowell, who was out for a walk, saw the living +statues, and came in to hear the news. Mr. Crossmair said he didn't know +what had got into the goat, unless it was a tin pail or a lawn mower +that was in the barn, but he was evidently mad, and he advised Mr. +No-well to go for the police. + +Nowell said a man that had raised cub bears had no right to be afraid of +a goat. He said all you wanted to do, in subduing the spirit of animals, +was to gain their confidence. He said he could, in two minutes, so win +the affections of that goat that it would follow him about like a dog, +and he went up and stroked the animal's head, scratched its ear, and +asked them if they could not see they had taken the wrong course with +the goat. He said a goat was a good deal like a human being. You could +coax, but you could not drive. “Come, Billy,” said he, as he moved off, +snapping his fingers. + +It is Mr. Nowell's unbiased opinion that Billy _did_ come. Not that he +saw Billy come, but he had a vague suspicion, from a feeling of numbness +some two feet from the base of the brain, that William had arrived +in that immediate vicinity, and while he was recalling his scattered +thoughts and feeling for any pieces of spine that might have become +detached from the original column, Billy came again and caught three of +Mr. Nowell's fingers in the pile driver. That was talk enough between +gentlemen, and Mr. Nowell got his back against a fence and climbed up on +top backwards. + +When he caught his breath he said that was the worst shock he ever +experienced since he fell off the step ladder last summer. He said he +had rather break a bear to ride any time. + +At this point Mr. Crombie espied a letter carrier on the other side of +the street, and called him over. He told the letter carrier if he would +step into the yard and drive the goat in the barn they would all unite +in a petition to have the salaries of letter carriers raised. There is +no class of citizens more accommodating than our letter carriers, and +this one came in and walked up to the goat and pushed the animal with +his foot. + +“This goat seems tame enough,” said he, turning around to speak to Mr. +Crossman. His words had not more than vaporized in the chill air before +the goat had planted two trip hammer blows into the seat of government, +and the letter carrier went into the barn, fell over a wheelbarrow, and +the letters from his sack were distributed in a box stall. + +It was a beautiful sight to look upon, and they would have been there +till this time had it not been that the Countess happened to come along +gathering swill, and the party made up a purse of three dollars for her +if she would take the goat away. + +She took a turnip top from her swill pail, offered it to the goat, and +the animal followed her off, bleating and showing every evidence of +contentment, and the gentlemen got down from the positions they had +assumed, and they shook hands and each took a bloody oath that he would +not tell about it, and they repaired to their several homes and used +arnica on the spots where the goat had kicked them. + +The only trouble that is liable to arise out of this is that the +postmaster threatens to commence an action against Crossman for +obstructing the mails. + + + + +A MEAN TRICK. + +Probably the meanest trick that was ever played on a white man was +played in Milwaukee, and the fact that there is no vigilance committee +there is the only reason the perpetrators of the trick are alive. A +business man had just purchased a new stiff hat, and he went into a +saloon with half a dozen of his friends to fit the hat on his head. They +all took beer, and passed the hat around so all could see it. One of the +meanest men that ever held a county office went to the bar tender and +had a thin slice of Limburger cheese cut off, and when the party were +looking at the frescoed ceiling through beer glasses this wicked person +slipped the cheese under the sweat leather of the hat, and the man put +it on and walked out. + +The man who owned the hat is one of your nervous people, who is always +complaining of being sick, and who feels as though some dreadful disease +is going to take possession of him and carry him off. He went back to +his place of business, took off his hat and laid it on the table, and +proceeded to answer some letters. He thought he detected a smell, and, +when his partner asked him if he didn't feel sick, he said he believed +he did. The man turned pale and said he guessed he would go home. He met +a man on the sidewalk who said the air was full of miasma, and in the +street car a man who sat next to him moved away to the end of the car, +and asked him if he had just come from Chicago. The man with the hat +said he had not, when the stranger said they were having a great deal of +smallpox there, and he guessed he would get out and walk, and he pulled +the bell and jumped off. The cold perspiration broke out on the forehead +of the man with the new hat, and he took it off to wipe his forehead, +when the whole piece of cheese seemed to roll over and breathe, and the +man got the full benefit of it, and came near fainting away. + +He got home and his wife met him and asked him what was the matter? He +said he believed mortification had set in, and she took one whiff as he +took off his hat, and said she should think it had. “Where did you get +into it?” said she. “Get into it?” said the man, “I have not got into +anything, but some deadly disease has got hold of me, and I shall not +live.” She told him if any disease that smelled like that had got hold +of him and was going to be chronic, she felt as though he would be a +burden to himself if he lived very long. She got his clothes off, soaked +his feet in mustard water, and he slept. The man slept and dreamed that +a smallpox flag was hung in front of his house and that he was riding in +a butcher wagon to the pest house. + +The wife sent for a doctor, and when the man of pills arrived she told +him all about the case. The doctor picked up the patient's new hat, +tried it on and got a sniff. He said the hat was picked before it was +ripe. The doctor and the wife held a postmortem examination of the hat, +and found the slice of Limberger. “Few and short were the prayers +they said.” They woke the patient, and, to prepare his mind for the +revelation that was about to be made, the doctor asked him if his +worldly affairs were in a satisfactory condition. He gasped and said +they were. The doctor asked him if he had made his will. He said he had +not, but that he wanted a lawyer sent for at once. The doctor asked him +if he felt as though he was prepared to shuffle off. The man said he had +always tried to lead a different life, and had tried to be done by the +same as he would do it himself, but that he might have made a misdeal +some way, and he would like to have a minister sent for to take an +account of stock. Then the doctor brought to the bedside the hat, opened +up the sweat-leather, and showed the dying man what it was that smelled +so, and told him he was as well as any man in the city. + +The patient pinched himself to see if he was alive, and jumped out of +bed and called for his revolver, and the doctor couldn't keep up with +him on the way down town. The last we saw of the odoriferous citizen +he was trying to bribe the bar-tender to tell him which one of those +pelicans it was that put that slice of cheese in his hat-lining. + + + + +A FEMALE KNIGHT OF PYTHIAS. + +A woman of Bay City, Michigan, disguised herself as a man and clerked +in a store for a year, and then applied for membership in the Knights of +Pythias and was initiated. During the work of the third degree her sex +was discovered. It seems that in the third degree they have an India +rubber rat and a celluloid snake, which run by clockwork inside, and +which were very natural indeed. The idea is to let them run at the +candidate for initiation to see if he will flinch. When the snake ran at +the girl she kept her nerve all right, but when the rat tried to run +up her trousers leg she grabbed her imaginary skirts in both hands and +jumped onto a refrigerator that was standing near, (which is used in +the work of the fourth degree) and screamed bloody murder. The girl is +a member of the order, however, and there is no help for it. This affair +may open the eyes of members of secret societies and cause them to +investigate. One lodge here, we understand, takes precaution against the +admission of women by examining carefully the feet of applicants. If the +feet are cold enough to freeze ice cream the candidate is black-balled. + + + + +THE TELESCOPE FISH-POLE CANE. + +There is one thing we want to set our face against and try and break up, +and that is the habit of young and middle aged persons going fishing on +Sunday, when going on the Summer excursions to the country. The devil, +or some other inventor, has originated a walking-stick that looks as +innocent as a Sunday school teacher, but within it is a roaring lion, in +the shape of a fish-pole. We have watched young fellows, and know their +tricks. Sunday morning they say to their parents that they have agreed +to go over on the West Side and attend early mass with a companion, just +to hear the exquisite music, and, by the way, they may not be home to +dinner. And they go from that home, with their new cane, looking as +pious as though they were passing the collection plate. When they get +around the corner they whoop it up for the depot, and shortly they +are steaming out into the country. They have a lot of angleworms in an +envelope in their vest pockets, and a restaurant colored man, who has +been seen the night before, meets them at the depot and hands them a +basket of sandwiches with a bottle sticking out. + +Arriving at the summer resort, they go to the bank of the lake and take +a boat ride, and when well out in the lake they begin to unbosom the +cane. Taking a plug out of the end of it, they pull out a dingus and +three joints of fish-pole come out, and they tie a line on the end, put +an angle worm on the hook, and catch fish. That is the kind of “mass” + they are attending. + +At night the train comes back to town, and the sunburnt young men, with +their noses peeled, hand a basket to the waiting colored man, which +smells of fish, and they go home and tell their parents they went out +to Forest Home Cemetery in the afternoon, and the sun was awful hot. The +good mother knows she smells fish on her son's clothes, but she thinks +it is some new kind of perfumery, and she is silent. + +An honest up-and-up fish-pole is a thing of beauty and a joy forever, +if the fishing is good, but one of these deceptive, three carde monte, +political fish-poles, that shoves in and appears to be a cane, is +incendiary, and ought to be suppressed. There ought to be a law passed +to suppress a fish-pole that passes in polite society for a cane, and +in such a moment as ye think not is pulled out to catch fish. There is +nothing square about it, and the invention of that blasted stem winding +fish-pole is doing more to ruin this country than all the political +parties can overcome. If there was a law to compel the owners of those +wailking-sticks to put a sign on their canes, “This is a fish-pole,” + there would be less canes taken on these Sunday excursions in summer. + +Look not upon the walking-stick when it is hollow, and pulls out, for at +last it giveth thee away, young fellow. + + +***** + + +The Sun is in receipt of an invitation to attend the opening of a new +hotel in an Iowa city, but it will be impossible to attend. We remember +one Iowa hotel which we visited in 1869, when the Wisconsin editors +stopped there on the way back from Omaha,--the time when a couple of bed +bugs took Uncle David Atwood up on the roof and were going to throw him +off, and they would have done it, only a party of cockroaches took his +part and killed the bed bugs. + +Sam Ryan will remember how there was a crop of new potatoes growing on +the billiard room floor in the dirt, that were all blossomed out; and +Charley Seymour can tell how he had to argue for an hour to convince the +colored cook that the peculiar smell of the scrambled eggs was owing to +some of them being rotten. There were four waiters to a hundred guests, +and it was a sight long to be remembered to see Mrs. Seymour and Mrs. +Atwood carry their broiled chicken back to the kitchen and pick +the feathers off, while good Uncle McBride, of Sparta, got into an +altercation over his fried fish because the fish had not been scaled; +where it was said the only thing that was not sour was the vinegar, +and where the only thing that was not too small was the bill, and where +every room smelled like a morgue, and the towels in the rooms had not +taken a bath since 1827. + +At this hotel the proprietor would take a guest's napkin to wipe his +nose, and the barefooted, waiter girl would slip up on the rare-done +fried egg spilled on the dining-room floor, and wipe the yolk off her +dress on a guest's linen coat tail. That is all we want of a hotel in +that place. + +Not many months ago there was a meeting of ministers in Wisconsin, and +after the holy work in which they were engaged had been done up to the +satisfaction of all, a citizen of the place where the conference was +held invited a large number of them to a collation at his house. After +supper a dozen of them adjourned to a room up stairs to have a quiet +smoke, as ministers sometimes do, when they got to talking about old +times, when they attended school and were boys together, and _The Sun_ +man, who was present, disguised as a preacher, came to the conclusion +that ministers were rather human than otherwise when they are young. + +One two-hundred pound delegate with a cigar between his fingers, blew +the smoke out of the mouth which but a few hours before was uttering a +supplication to the Most High to make us all good, punched a thin elder +in the ribs with his thumb and said: “Jim, do you remember the time +we carried the cow and calf up into the recitation room?” For a moment +“Jim” was inclined to stand on his dignity, and he looked pained, until +they all began to laugh, when he looked around to see if any worldly +person was present, and satisfying himself that we were all truly good, +he said: “You bet your life I remember it. I have got a scar on my shin +now where that d--blessed cow hooked me,” and he began to roll up his +trousers leg to show the scar. They told him they would take his word, +and he pulled down his pants and said: + +“Well, you see I was detailed to attend to the calf, and I carried the +calf up stairs, assisted by Bill Smith--who is now preaching in Chicago; +got a soft thing, five thousand a year, and a parsonage furnished, and +keeps a team, and if one of those horses is not a trotter then I am no +judge of horse flesh or of Bill, and if he don't put on an old driving +coat and go out on the road occasionally and catch on for a race with +some worldly-minded man, then I am another. You hear me--well, I never +knew a calf was so heavy, and had so many hind legs. Kick! Why, bless +your old alabaster heart, that calf walked all over me, from Genesis to +Revelations. And say, we didn't get much of a breeze the next morning, +did we, when we had to clean out the recitation room?” + +A solemn-looking minister, with red hair, who was present, and whose +eyes twinkled some through the smoke, said to another: + +“Charlie, you remember you were completely gone on the professor's niece +who was visiting there from Poughkeepsie? What become of her?” + +Charlie put his feet on the table, struck a match on his trousers, and +said: + +“Well, I wasn't gone on her, as you say, but just liked her. Not too +well, you know, but just well enough. She had a color of hair that I +could never stand--just the color of yours, Hank--and when she got +to going with a printer I kind of let up, and they were married. I +understand he is editing a paper somewhere in Illinois, and getting +rich. It was better for her, as now she has a place to live, and does +not have to board around like a country school ma'am, as she would if +she had married me.” A dark-haired man, with a coat buttoned clear +to the neck, and a countenance like a funeral sermon, with no more +expression than a wooden decoy duck, who was smoking a briar-wood pipe +that he had picked up on a what-not that belonged to the host, knocked +the ashes out in a spittoon, and said: + +“Boys, do you remember the time we stole that three-seated wagon and +went out across the marsh to Kingsley's farm, after watermelons?” + +Four of them said they remembered it well enough, and Jim said all he +asked was to live long enough to get even with Bill Smith, the Chicago +preacher, for suggesting to him to steal a bee-hive on the trip. “Why,” + said he, “before I had got twenty feet with that hive, every bee in it +had stung me a dozen times. And do you remember how we played it on +the professor, and made him believe that I had the chicken-pox? O, +gentlemen, a glorious immortality awaits you beyond the grave for lying +me out of that scrape.” + +The fat man hitched around uneasy in his chair and said they all seemed +to have forgotten the principal event of that excursion, and that was +how he tried to lift a bull dog over the fence by the teeth, which had +become entangled in a certain portion of his wardrobe that should not be +mentioned, and how he left a sample of his trousers in the possession +of the dog, and how the farmer came to the college the next day with +his eyes blacked, and a piece of trousers cloth done up in a paper, and +wanted the professor to try and match it with the pants of some of the +divinity students, and how he had to put on a pair of nankeen pants and +hide his cassimeres in the boat house until the watermelon scrape blew +over and he could get them mended. + +Then the small brunette minister asked if he was not entitled to some +credit for blacking the farmer's eyes. Says he: “When he got over the +fence and grabbed the near horse by the bits, and said he would have the +whole gang in jail, I felt as though something had got to be done, and +I jumped out on the other side of the wagon and walked around to him and +put up my hands and gave him 'one, two, three' about the nose, with my +blessing, and he let go that horse and took his dog back to the house.” + +“Well,” says the red haired minister, “those melons were green, anyway, +but it was the fun of stealing them that we were after.” + +At this point the door opened and the host entered, and, pushing the +smoke away with his hands, he said: “Well, gentlemen, are you enjoying +yourselves?” + +They threw their cigar stubs in the spittoon, the solemn man laid the +brier wood pipe where he got it, and the fat man said: + +“Brother Drake, we have been discussing the evil effects of indulging +in the weed, and we have come to the conclusion that while tobacco is +always bound to be used to a certain extent by the thoughtless, it is +a duty the clergy owe to the community to discountenance its use on all +possible occasions. Perhaps we had better adjourn to the parlor, and +after asking divine guidance take our departure.” + +After they had gone the host looked at his cigar box, and came to +the conclusion that somebody must have carried off some cigars in his +pocket. + + + + +AN ARM THAT IS NOT RELIABLE. + +A young fellow about nineteen, who is going with his first girl, and who +lives on the West Side, has got the symptoms awfully. He just thinks +of nothing else but his girl, and when he can be with her,--which is +seldom, on account of the old folks,--he is there, and when he cannot be +there, he is there or thereabouts, in his mind. He had been trying for +three months to think of something to give his girl for a Christmas +present, but he couldn't make up his mind what article would cause +her to think of him the most, so the day before Christmas he unbosomed +himself to his employer, and asked his advice as to the proper article +to give. The old man is baldheaded and mean. “You want to give her +something that will be a constant reminder of you?” “Yes,” he said, +“that was what was the matter.” “Does she have any corns?” asked the +old wretch. The boy said he had never inquired into the condition of her +feet, and wanted to know what corns had to do with it. The old man said +that if she had corns, a pair of shoes about two sizes too small would +cause her mind to dwell on him a good deal. The boy said shoes wouldn't +do. The old man hesitated a moment, scratched his head, and finally +said: + +“I have it! I suppose, sir, when you are alone with her, in the parlor, +you put your arm around her waist; do you not, sir?” + +The young man blushed, and said that was about the size of it. + +“I presume she enjoys that part of the discourse, eh?” + +The boy said that, as near as he could tell, by the way she acted, she +was not opposed to being held up. + +“Then, sir, I can tell you of an article that will make her think of +you in that position all the time, from the moment she gets up in the +morning till she retires.” + +“Is there any attachment to it that will make her dream of me all +night?” asked the boy. + +“No, sir! Don't be a hog,” said the bad man. + +“Then what is it?” + +The old man said one word, “Corset!” + +The young man was delighted, and he went to a store to buy a nice +corset. + +“What size do you want?” asked the girl who waited on him. + +That was a puzzler. He didn't know they came in sizes. He was about to +tell her to pick out the smallest size, when he happened to think of +something. + +“Take a tape measure and measure my arm; that will just fit.” + +The girl looked wise, as though she had been there herself, found that +it was a twenty-two inch corset the boy wanted, and he went home and +wrote a note and sent it with the corset to the girl. He didn't hear +anything about it till the following Sunday, when he called on her. She +received him coldly, and handed him the corset, saying, with a tear in +her eye, that she had never expected to be insulted by him. He told her +he had no intention of insulting her; that he could think of nothing +that would cause her to think of the gentle pressure of his arm around +her waist as a corset, but if she felt insulted he would take his leave, +give the corset to some poor family, and go drown himself. + +He was about to go away, when she burst out crying, and sobbed out the +following words, wet with salt brine: + +“It was v-v-v-very thoughtful of y-y-you, but I _couldn't feel it!_ It +is f-f-four sizes too b-b-big! Why didn't you get number eighteen? You +are silent, you cannot answer, enough!” + +They instinctively found their way to the sofa; mutual explanations +followed; he measured her waist again; saw where he had made a mistake +by his fingers lapping over on the first turn, and he vowed, by the +beard of the prophet, he would change it for another, if she had not +worn it and got it soiled. They are better now. + + + + +BOUNCED FROM CHURCH FOR DANCING. + +The Presbyterian synod at Erie, Pa., has turned a lawyer named Donaldson +out of the church. The charge against him was not that he was a lawyer, +as might be supposed, but that he had danced a quadrille. It does not +seem to us as though there could be anything more harmless than dancing +a cold-blooded quadrille. It is a simple walk around, and is not even +exercise. Of course a man can, if he chooses, get in extra steps enough +to keep his feet warm, but we contend that no quadrille, where they only +touch hands, go down in the middle, and alamand left, can work upon a +man's religion enough to cause him to backslide. + +If it was this new “waltz quadrille” that Donaldson indulged in, where +there is intermittent hugging, and where the head gets to whirling, and +a man has to hang on to his partner quite considerable, to keep from +falling all over himself, and where she looks up fondly into his eyes +and as though telling him to squeeze just as hard as it seemed necessary +for his convenience, we should not wonder so much at the synod hauling +him over the coals for cruelty to himself, but a cold quadrille has no +deviltry in it. + +We presume the wicked and perverse Mr. Donaldson will join another +church that allows dancing judiciously administered, and may yet get to +heaven ahead of the Presbyterian synod, and he may be elected to some +high position there, as Arthur was here, after the synod of Hayes and +Sherman had bounced him from the Custom House for dancing the great +spoils walk around. + +It is often the case here, and we do not know why it may not be in +heaven, that the ones that are turned over and shook up, and the dust +knocked out of them, and their metaphorical coat tail filled with boots, +find that the whirligig of time has placed them above the parties +who smote them, and we can readily believe that if Donaldson gets +a first-class position of power, above the skies, he will make it +decidedly warm for his persecutors when they come up to the desk with +their grip sacks and register and ask for a room with a bath, and a +fire escape. He will be apt to look up at the key rack and tell them +everything is full, but they can find pretty fair accommodations at +the other house, down at the Hot Springs, on the European plan, by Mr. +Devil, formerly of Chicago. + + + + +POLICE SEARCHING WOMEN. + +A NOVEL SCENE IN MILWAUKEE POLICE COURT. + +There is a movement on foot to provide for lady attendants at the Police +Station, so that when a woman is arrested, and it is necessary to search +her for concealed weapons, or money or incendiary documents, that duty +can be performed by a person of the same sex as the prisoner. The _Sun_ +is anxious that this new departure be adopted at once, as it is very +annoying for us to be called away from our business, every day or +two, to aid the police--that is, of course, we are willing to be of +assistance to anybody, but there _are_ times--anybody will admit that. + +The need of lady members of the police force was never illustrated any +better than when the police arrested the women for passing counterfeit +silver quarters, about six months ago. There was an oldish woman and a +young woman, and when they were taken to the police office the reporters +of the city papers were there, as usual, ready to lend a helping hand. +The searching of the old lady was done in short order, by Detective +Smith, who went about it in a business-like manner; but when it was time +to search the young woman, and he looked into her soft, liquid eyes, and +saw the emotion that she could not suppress, his heart failed him, and +he sat down to write out his resignation. Tears came into his large, +fawn-like eyes, and he called upon Mr. Northrop, correspondent of +the Chicago _Times_, to assist him. Mr. Northrop had been inured to +hardships, and knew much about the manner in which female persons +conceal money, and being one of the “Willing Workers,” he told Mr. Smith +that he would help him. + +The lady was told to remove her outward apparel, and to look steadily +out of the window. She got behind a curtain-cord, and, in less time +than it takes to write it, she threw her dress to the men, from her +concealment behind the curtain-cord. The two men found a pocket in the +dress, but to save them they couldn't find the pocket hole.. The dress +was turned the other side out forty times, to find the pocket hole. + +Mr. Yenowine, of the _News_, who was present, said if they would hang +the dress up on a hook he could find the pocket hole in the dark. He +said there couldn't anybody fool him on finding a pocket hole in a +dress. + +The dress was hung in a closet, and Mr. Yenowine proceeded on the +arctic exploring expedition, while Mr. Northrop and the detective were +examining a corset that the young woman had thrown on the floor, looking +for bogus quarters. The _News_ man, with all his knowledge of dress +pockets, came out unsuccessful, and said he must have lost the +combination, and accused the janitor of giving it away. Mr. Smith +suggested that they cut the pocket off, but the district attorney, Mr. +McKenney, said it would be clearly against the law. He said that would +be burglary. In the meantime the young woman had kept on shucking +herself, until Mr. Neiman, of the _Sentinel_, became faint and went out +on the steps to get a breath of fresh air, from which position he looked +through the window. + +While the gentlemen were wondering if there were no rules of etiquette +published that would make it easy and polite to search a woman for +bogus two shilling pieces, the woman threw an article of female wearing +apparel out on the floor for them to examine that fairly frightened +them. + +“Merciful heavens,” said Mr. Yenowine, who was at that time a young and +innocent person, unused to the ways of the world, “she has exploded.” + +Northrop poked it with his cane and said, “No, those always come off,” + and he put on an air of superiority over the boys which was annoying. + +“What, always?” said Mr. Neiman, who had his fingers up before his face, +and was blushing as though he had intermittent fever. + +“Well, most always,” said Mr. Northrop, who had taken it up, and was +examining it with a critic's eye. + +“I presume those are a bustle, are they not?” said innocent Yenowine. + +“Go aff, till the divil wid yer bushtle,” said Mr. Smith, “I know +bether. Gintlemen, I am a plain shpoken man, and for me age have seen +many thrying situations, but if this was me lasht day on earth I should +shwear that was no more a bushtle than I am. Bushtles are never twins.” + +Mr. Harger, of the _Wisconsin_, who had hidden behind the stove pipe, +was asked by Mr. Smith what he thought they were, whether it might +not be an infernal machine. Mr. Harger said he had never known one +to explode. He said when he was reporting legislative proceedings the +members drew those with their stationery, from the superintendent of +public property, but he had no idea what they did with them. + +At this point Mr. Aldrich, who had just come in, was asked to examine it +and tell what it was. Mr. Aldrich took it up like a thing of life, and +gazed upon it as though trying to recall something to his mind. +Placing his finger, the one with the diamond ring on, to his corrugated +forehead, he paused for a moment and finally gave his opinion that +they were life preservers. He said that in Boston all women wore them, +especially when they were out on excursions, or picnics. “See,” says +he, as he hefted it, and made an indentation in it, which resumed its +natural position as soon as he took his finger off, “it is filled with +wind. Now, in case of accident, that would float a woman on top of water +until she could be rescued. Let us demonstrate this matter by putting +it on Mr. Boyington, of the _Sentinel_, and taking him to the morgue +and placing him in the bath tub and he proceeded to fasten the life +preserver around the calf of Mr. Boyington's leg. + +“Say, where are you putting it?” says Mr. B., as he struggled to keep +from laughing right out. “You fellows don't know as much as Thompson's +colt. If I know my own heart, and I think I do, a life preserver goes on +under the vest.” + +Mr. Aldrich said he didn't pretend to know any more than anybody else. +All he knew about these things personally was that he had seen them +hanging up in stores, for sale, and one day when he was shopping he +asked one of the lady clerks what it was hanging up there, and she said +it was a life preserver, and asked him if he wanted one, and he told her +no, he was only inquiring for a friend of his, who rode a bicycle. He +didn't know but it might be something that went with a bicycle. + +All the time this discussion was going on we sat by the safe in the +police office. We never were so sorry for a lot of innocent young men, +never. The girl looked at us and winked, as much as to say, “Old man, +why do you not come to the rescue of these young hoodlums, who don't +know what they are talking about, and take the conceit out of them,” and +so we explained to them, in the best language we could command, the uses +and abuses of the garment they were examining, and showed them how it +went on, and how the invention of it filled a want long felt by our +American people. They all admitted that we were right, and that it was +a counterfeit well calculated to deceive, and we believe now that the +woman was convicted of counterfeiting mainly on the testimony of +the reporters. However that may be, we desire to impress upon the +authorities the importance of employing ladies at the police office +to examine women who are arrested for crime. The police cannot always +depend on having a newspaper man around. + + + + +ABOUT HELL. + +An item is going the rounds of the papers, to illustrate how large the +sun is, and how hot it is, which asserts that if an icicle a million +miles long, and a hundred thousand miles through, should be thrust +into one of the burning cavities of the sun, it would be melted in +a hundredth part of a second, and that it would not cause as much +“sissing” as a drop of water on a hot griddle. + +By this comparison we can realize that the sun is a big thing, and +we can form some idea of what kind of a place it would be to pass the +summer months. In contemplating the terrible heat of the sun, we are led +to wonder why those whose duty it is to preach a hell hereafter, have +not argued that the sun is the place where sinners will go to when they +die. + +It is not our desire to inaugurate any reform in religious matters, but +we realize what a discouraging thing it must be for preachers to preach +hell and have nothing to show for it. As the business is now done, they +are compelled to draw upon their imagination for a place of endless +punishment, and a great many people, who would be frightened out of +their boots if the minister could show them hell as he sees it, look +upon his talk as a sort of dime novel romance. + +They want something tangible on which they can base their belief, and +while the ministers do everything in their power to encourage sinners by +picturing to them the lake of fire and brimstone, where boat-riding is +out of the question unless you paddle around in a cauldron kettle, it +seems as though their labors would be lightened if they could point to +the sun, on a hot day in August, and say to the wicked man that unless +he gets down on his knees and says his now I lay me, and repents, and is +sprinkled, and chips in pretty flush towards the running expenses of +the church, and stands his assessments like a thoroughbred, that he +will wake up some morning, and find himself in the sun, blistered from +Genesis to Revelations, thirsty as a harvest hand and not a brewery +within a million miles, begging for a zinc ulster to cool his parched +hind legs. + +Such an argument, with an illustration right on the blackboard of the +sky, in plain sight, would strike terror to the sinner, and he would +want to come into the fold _too_ quick. What the religion of this +country wants, to make it take the cake, is a hell that the wayfaring +man, though a democrat or a greenbacker, can see with the naked eye. The +way it is now, the sinner, if he wants to find out anything about the +hereafter, has to take it second handed, from some minister or deacon +who has not seen it himself, but has got his idea of it from some other +fellow who maybe dreamed it out. + +Some deacon tells a sinner all about the orthodox hell, and the sinner +does not know whether to believe him or not. The deacon may have lied to +the sinner some time in a horse trade, or in selling him goods, and beat +him, and how does he know but the same deacon is playing a brace game on +him on the hereafter, or playing him for a sardine. + +Now, if the people who advance these ideas of heaven or hell, had a +license to point to the moon, the nice, cool moon, as heaven, which +would be plausible, to say the least, and say that it was heaven, and +prove it, and could prove that the sun was the other place, which looks +reasonable, according to all we have heard about 'tother place, the moon +would be so full there would not be standing room, and they would +have to turn republicans away, while the sun would be playing to empty +benches, and there would only be a few editors there who got in on +passes. + +Of course, during a cold winter, when the thermometer was forty or fifty +degrees below zero, and everybody was blocked in, and coal was up to +seventeen dollars a ton, the cause of religion would not prosper as much +as it would in summer, because when you talked to a sinner about leading +a different life or he would go to the sun, he would look at his coal +pile and say that he didn't care a continental how soon he got there, +but these discouragements would not be any greater than some that the +truly good people have to contend with now, and the average the year +round would be largely in favor of going to the moon. + +The moon is very popular now, even, and if it is properly advertised as +a celestial paradise, where only good people could get their work in, +and where the wicked could not enter on any terms, there would be a +great desire to take the straight and narrow way to the moon, and the +path to the wicked sun would be grown over with sand burs, and scorched +with lava, and few would care to take passage by that route. Anyway, +this thing is worth looking into. + + + + +UNSCREWING THE TOP OF A FRUIT JAR. + +There is one thing that there should be a law passed about, and that is, +these glass fruit jars, with a top that screws on. It should be made a +criminal offense, punishable with death or banishment to Chicago, for a +person to manufacture a fruit jar, for preserving fruit, with a top that +screws on. Those jars look nice when the fruit is put up in them, and +the house-wife feels as though she was repaid for all her perspiration +over a hot stove, as she looks at the glass jars of different berries, +on the shelf in the cellar. + +The trouble does not begin until she has company, and decides to tap +a little of her choice fruit. After the supper is well under way, she +sends for a jar, and tells the servant to unscrew the top, and pour the +fruit into a dish. The girl brings it into the kitchen, and proceeds to +unscrew the top. She works gently at first, then gets mad, wrenches at +it, sprains her wrist, and begins to cry, with her nose on the underside +of her apron, and skins her nose on the dried pancake batter that is +hidden in the folds of the apron. + +Then the little house-wife takes hold of the fruit can, smilingly, and +says she will show the girl how to take off the top. She sits down +on the wood-box, takes the glass jar between her knees, runs out her +tongue, and twists. But the cover does not twist. The cover seems to +feel as though it was placed there to keep guard over that fruit, and +it is as immovable as the Egyptian pyramids. The little lady works until +she is red in the face, and until her crimps all come down, and then she +sets it down to wait for the old man to come home. He comes in tired, +disgusted, and mad as a hornet, and when the case is laid before him, he +goes out in the kitchen and pulls off his coat, and takes the jar. + +He remarks that he is at a loss to know what women are made for, anyway. +He says they are all right to sit around and do crochet work, but +whenever strategy, brain, and muscle are required, then they can't get +along without a man. He tries to unscrew the cover, and his thumb slips +off and knocks skin off the knuckle. He breathes a silent prayer and +calls for the kerosene can, and pours a little of it into the crevice, +and lets it soak, and then he tries again, and swears audibly. + +Then he calls for a tack-hammer, and taps the cover gently on one side, +the glass jar breaks, and the juice runs down his trousers leg, on the +table and all around. Enough of the fruit is saved for supper, and the +old man goes up the back stairs to tie his thumb up in a rag, and change +his pants. + +All come to the table smiling, as though nothing had happened, and the +house-wife don't allow any of the family to have any sauce for fear they +will get broken glass into their stomachs, but the “company” is provided +for generously, and all would be well only for a remark of a little boy +who, when asked if he will have some more of the sauce, says he “don't +want no strawberries pickled in kerosene.” The smiling little hostess +steals a smell of the sauce, while they are discussing politics, and +believes she does smell kerosene, and she looks at the old man kind of +spunky, when he glances at the rag on his thumb and asks if there is no +liniment in the house. The preserving of fruit in glass jars is broken +up in that house, and four dozen jars are down cellar to lay upon the +lady's mind till she gets a chance to send some of them to a charity +picnic. The glass jar fruit can business is played out unless a scheme +can be invented to get the top off. + + + + +BUTTERMILK BIBBERS. + +The immense consumption of buttermilk as a drink, retailed over the bars +of saloons, has caused temperance people to rejoice. It is said that +over two thousand gallons a day are sold in Milwaukee. There is +one thing about buttermilk, in its favor, and that is, it does not +intoxicate, and it takes the place of liquor as a beverage. A man may +drink a quart of buttermilk, and while he may feel like a calf that has +been sucking, and want to stand in a fence corner and bleat, or kick up +his heels and run around a pasture, he does not become intoxicated and +throw a beer keg through a saloon window. + +Another thing, buttermilk does not cause the nose to become red, and the +consumer's breath does not smell like the next day after a sangerfest. +The complexion of the nose of a buttermilk drinker assues a pale hue +which is enchanting, and while his breath may smell like a baby that has +nursed too much and got sour, the smell does not debar his entrance to a +temperance society. + + + + +AN ÆSTHETIC FEMALE CLUB BUSTED. + +The organization of the “Cosmos” Club, of Chicago women, for the purpose +of discussing “æsthetic” business, ancient poetry and pottery ware, +calls to mind the attempt to organize such a club here in Milwaukee. +Our people here are too utterly full of business and domestic affairs +to take to the “æsthetic” very generally, and the lady from Boston +who tried to get up a class in the new wrinkle went away considerably +disgusted. She called about fifty of our splendidest ladies together at +the residence of one of them, and told them what the ladies of +Eastern cities were doing in the study of higher arts. She elaborated +considerably on the study of Norwegian literature, ceramics, bric-a-brac +and so forth, and asked for an expression of the ladies present. One +lady said she was willing to go into anything that would tend to elevate +the tone of society, and make women better qualified for helpmates to +their husbands, but she didn't want any Norwegian literature in hers. +She said her husband ran for an office once and the whole gang of +Norwegian voters went back on him and he was everlastingly scooped. + +The Boston lady held up her hands in holy horror, and was going to +explain to the speaker how she was off her base, when another lady got +up and said she wanted to take the full course or nothing. She wanted +to be posted in ancient literature and ceramics. She had studied ceramics +some already, and had got a good deal of information. She had found that +in case of whooping cough, goose oil rubbed on the throat and lungs was +just as good as it was in case of croup, and she felt that with a good +teacher any lady would learn much that would be of incalculable value, +and she, for one, was going for the whole hog or none. + +The Boston lady saved herself from fainting by fanning herself +vigorously, and was about to show the two ladies that they had a wrong +idea of æsthetics, when a lady from the West Side, who had just been +married, got up and said she felt that we were all too ignorant of +æsthetics, and they should take every opportunity to become better +informed. She said when she first went to keeping house she couldn't +tell baking powder that had alum in it from the pure article, and she +had nearly ruined her husband's stomach before she learned anything. +And speaking of bric-a-brac, she felt that every lady should learn to +economize, by occasionally serving a picked up dinner, of bric-a-brac +that would otherwise be wasted. + +The Boston lady found she could not speak understandingly, so she +left-her chair and went around to the different groups of ladies, who +were talking earnestly, to get them interested. The first group of four +that she broke in on were talking of the best way to renovate seal-skin +cloaks that had been moth eaten. One lady said that she had tried all +the æsthetic insect powder that was advertised in the papers, and the +moths would fairly get fat on it, and beg for more; but last spring she +found out that moths were afraid of whisky. + +Her husband worked in a wholesale whisky store, and his garments became +saturated with the perfume, and you couldn't hire a moth to go near him. +So she got an empty whisky barrel and put in all her furs, and the moths +never touched a thing. But she said the moths had a high old time all +summer. They would get together in squads and go to the barrel and smell +at the bung-hole, and lock arms and sashay around the room, staggering +just as though there was an election, and about eleven o'clock they +would walk up to a red spot in the carpet and take a lunch, just like +men going to a saloon. + +She said there was one drawback to the whisky barrel, as it gave her +away when she first went out in company after taking her clothes out of +the barrel. She wore her seal-skin cloak to the Good Templars' Lodge, +the first night after taking it out, and they were going to turn her out +of the Lodge on the ground that she had violated her obligation. + +“You may talk about your Scandinavian literature,” said she, turning +to the Boston lady, “but when it comes to keeping moths out of furs, an +empty whisky barrel knocks the everlasting socks off of anything I ever +tried.” + +The Boston lady put on her æsthetic hat, and was about to take her +leave, satisfied that she had struck the wrong crowd, when a sweet +little woman, with pouting lips, called her aside. The Boston lady +thought she had found at last one congenial soul, and she said: + +“What is it, my dear?” + +The little lady hesitated a moment, and with a tear in her eye she +asked: + +“Madam, can you tell me what is good for worms? Fido has acted for a +week as though he was ill, and----” + +That settled it. The Boston lady went away, and has never been heard of +since. + + +***** + + +“A young fellow and his girl went out sleighing yesterday, and the +lad returned with a frozen ear. There is nothing very startling in the +simple fact of a frozen ear, but the idea is that it was the ear next to +the girl that he was foolish enough to let freeze.” + +A girl that will go out sleigh-riding with a young man and allow his +ears to freeze, is no gentleman (“lady”??), and ought to be arrested. +Why, here in Milwaukee, on the coldest days, we have seen a young man +out riding with a girl, and his ears were so hot they would fairly +“sis,” and there was not a man driving on the avenue but would have +changed places with the young man, and allowed his ears to cool. Girls +cannot sit too close during this weather. The climate is rigorous. + + + + +FOOLING WITH THE BIBLE. + +Reports from the stationers show that there is no demand at all for the +revised edition of the Bible, and had it not been for the newspapers +publishing the whole affair there would have been very few persons that +took the trouble to even glance at it, and it is believed that not one +reader of the daily papers in a hundred read any of the Bible, and not +one in ten thousand read all of it which was published. Who originated +this scheme of revising the Bible we do not know, but whoever it was +made a miscue. There was no one suffering particularly for a revision +of the Bible. It was good enough as it was. No literary sharp of the +present day has got any license to change anything in the Bible. + +Why, the cheeky ghouls have actually altered over the Lord's Prayer, cut +it biased, and thrown the parts about giving us this day our daily +bread into the rag bag. How do they know that the Lord said more than +he wanted to in that prayer? He wanted that daily bread in there, or He +never would have put it in. The only wonder is that those revisers did +not insert strawberry shortcake and ice cream in place of daily bread. +Some of these ministers who are writing speeches for the Lord think they +are smart. They have fooled with Christ's Sermon on the Mount until He +couldn't tell it if He was to meet it in the Chicago _Times_. + +This thing has gone on long enough, and we want a stop put to it. We +have kept still about the piracy that has been going on in the Bible +because people who are better than we are have seemed to endorse it, but +now we are sick of it, and if there is going to be an annual clerical +picnic to cut gashes in the Bible and stick new precepts and examples on +where they will do the most hurt, we shall lock up our old Bible where +the critters can't get at it, and throw the first book agent down stairs +head first that tries to shove off on to us one of these new fangled, +go-as-you-please Bibles, with all the modern improvements, and hell left +out. + +Now, where was there a popular demand to have hell left out of the +Bible? Were there any petitions from the people sent up to this +self-constituted legislature of pinchbeck ministers, praying to have +hell abolished, and “hades” inserted? Not a petition. And what is this +hades? Where is it? Nobody knows. They have taken away our orthodox +hell, that has stood by us since we first went to Sunday school, and +given us a hades. Half of us wouldn't know a hades if we should see it +dead in the road, but they couldn't fool us any on hell. + +No, these revisers have done more harm to religion than they could have +done by preaching all their lives. They have opened the ball, and now, +every time a second-class dominie gets out of a job, he is going to +cut and slash into the Bible. He will think up lots of things that will +sound better than some things that are in there, and by and by we +shall have our Bibles as we do our almanacs, annually, with weather +probabilities on the margins. + +This is all wrong. Infidels will laugh at us, and say our old Bible is +worn out, and out of style, and tell us to have our measure taken for +a new one every fall and spring, as we do for our clothes. If this +revision is a good thing, why won't another one be better? The woods are +full of preachers who think they could go to work and improve the Bible, +and if we don't shut down on this thing, they will take a hand in it. If +a man hauls down the American flag, we shoot him on the spot; and now we +suggest that if any man mutilates the Bible, we run an umbrella into him +and spread it. + +The old Bible just filled the bill, and we hope every new one that is +printed will lay on the shelves and get sour. This revision of the Bible +is believed to be the work of an incendiary. It is a scheme got up by +British book publishers to make money out of pious people. It is on the +same principle that speculators get up a corner on pork or wheat. They +got revision, and printed Bibles enough to supply the world, and would +not let out one for love or money. None were genuine unless the name of +this British firm was blown in the bottle. + +Millions of Bibles were shipped to this country by the firm that was +“long” on Bibles, and they were to be thrown on the market suddenly, +after being locked up and guarded by the police until the people were +made hungry for Bibles. + +The edition was advertised like a circus, and doors were to be opened +at six o'clock in the morning. American publishers who wanted to publish +the Bible, too, got compositors ready to rush out a cheap Bible within +twelve hours, and the Britons, who were running the corner on the Word +of God, called these American publishers pirates. The idea of men being +pirates for printing a Bible, which should be as free as salvation. The +newspapers that had the Bibles telegraphed to them from the east, were +also pirates. + +O, the revision is a three-card monte speculation; that is all it is. + +Geo. W. Peck, of the _Sun_, recently delivered an address before the +Wisconsin State Dairyman's Association. The following is an extract from +the document: + +_Fellow creamationists_: In calling upon me, on this occasion, +to enlighten you upon a subject that is dear to the hearts of all +Americans, you have got the right man in the right place. It makes me +proud to come to my old home and unfold truths that have been folded +since I can remember. It may be said by scoffers, and it has been said +to-day, in my presence, that I didn't know enough to even milk a cow. I +deny the allegation; show me the allegator. If any gentleman present has +got a cow here with him, and I can borrow a clothes-wringer, I will show +you whether I can milk a cow or not. Or, if there is a cheese mine here +handy, I will demonstrate that I can--_runnet_. + +The manufacture of cheese and butter has been among the earliest +industries. Away back in the history of the world, we find Adam and Eve +conveying their milk from the garden of Eden, in a one-horse wagon to +the cool spring cheese factory, to be weighed in the balance. Whatever +may be said of Adam and Eve to their discredit in the marketing of the +products of their orchard, it has never been charged that they stopped +at the pump and put water in their milk cans. Doubtless you all remember +how Cain killed his brother Abel because Abel would not let him do the +churning. We can picture Cain and Abel driving mooly cows up to the +house from the pasture in the southeast corner of the garden, and Adam +standing at the bars with a tin pail and a three-legged stool, smoking +a meerschaum pipe and singing “Hold the fort for I am coming through +the rye,” while Eve sat on the verandah altering over her last year's +polonaise, and winking at the devil who stood behind the milk house +singing, “I want to be an angel.” After he got through milking he came +up and saw Eve blushing, and he said, “Madame, cheese it,” and she chose +it. + +But to come down to the present day, we find that cheese has become one +of the most important branches of manufacture. It is next in importance +to the silver interest. And, fellow cheese mongers, you are doing +yourselves great injustice that you do not petition congress to pass a +bill to remonetize cheese. There is more cheese raised in this country +than there is silver, and it is more valuable. Suppose you had not +eaten a mouthful in thirty days, and you should have placed on the table +before you ten dollars stamped out of silver bullion on one plate and +nine dollars stamped out of cheese bullion on another plate. Which would +you take first? Though the face value of the nine cheese dollars would +be ten per cent, below the face value of ten silver dollars, you would +take the cheese. You could use it to better advantage in your business. +Hence I say cheese is more valuable than silver, and it should be made +legal tender for all debts, public and private, except pew rent. I may +be in advance of other eminent financiers, who have studied the currency +question, but I want to see the time come, and I trust the day is not +far distant, when 412 1/2 grains of cheese will be equal to a dollar in +codfish, and when the merry jingle of slices of cheese shall be heard in +every pocket. + +Then every cheese factory can make its own coin, money will be plenty, +everybody will be happy, and there never will be any more war. It may +be asked how this currency can be redeemed? I would have an +incontrovertible bond, made of Limburger cheese, which is stronger and +more durable. When this is done you can tell the rich from the poor man +by the smell of his money. Now-a-days many of us do not even get a smell +of money, but in the good days which are coming the gentle zephyr will +waft to us the able-bodied Limburger, and we shall know that money is +plenty. + +The manufacture of cheese is a business that a poor man can engage in as +well as a rich man. I say it, without fear of successful contradiction, +and say it boldly, that a poor man with, say 200 cows, if he thoroughly +understands his business, can market more cheese than a rich man who +owns 300 oxen. This is susceptible of demonstration. If my boy showed +a desire to become a statesman, I would say to him, “Young man, get +married, buy a mooley cow, go to Sheboygan county, and start a cheese +factory.” + +Speaking of cows, did it ever occur to you, gentlemen, what a saving +it would be to you if you should adopt mooley cows instead of horned +cattle? It takes at least three tons of hay and a large quantity of +ground feed annually to keep a pair of horns fat, and what earthly use +are they? Statistics show that there are annually killed 45,000 grangers +by cattle with horns. You pass laws to muzzle dogs, because one in ten +thousand goes mad, and yet more people are killed by cattle horns than +by dogs. What the country needs is more mooley cows. + +Now that I am on the subject, it may be asked what is the best paying +breed for the dairy. My opinion is divided between the south down and +the cochin china. Some like one the best and some the other, but as for +me, give me liberty or give me death. + +There are many reforms that should be inaugurated in the manufacture +of cheese. Why should cheese be made round? I am inclined to the belief +that the making of cheese round is a superstition. Who had not rather +buy a good square piece of cheese, than a wedge-shape chunk, all rind +at one end, and as thin as a Congressman's excuse for voting back pay +at the other? Make your cheese square and the consumer will rise up and +call you another. + +Another reform that might be inaugurated would be to veneer the cheese +with building paper or clapboards, instead of the time-honored piece of +towel. I never saw cheese cut that I didn't think that the cloth around +it had seen service as a bandage on some other patient. But I may have +been wrong. Another thing that does not seem to be right, is to see so +many holes in cheese. It seems to me that solid cheese, one made by +one of the old masters, with no holes in it--I do not accuse you of +cheating, but don't you feel a little ashamed when you see a cheese cut, +and the holes are the biggest part of it? The little cells may be handy +for the skipper, but the consumer feels the fraud in his innermost soul. + +Among the improvements made in the manufacture of cheese I must not +forget that of late years the cheese does not resemble the grindstone +as much as it did years ago. The time has been when, if the farmer could +not find his grindstone, all he had to do was to mortise a hole in +the middle of a cheese, and turn it and grind his scythe. Before the +invention of nitro-glycerine, it was a good day's work to hew off cheese +enough for a meal. Time has worked wonders in cheese. + + + + +COLORED CONCERT TROUPES. + +Sometimes it seems as though the colored people ought to have a guardian +appointed over them. Now, you take a colored concert troupe, and though +they may have splendid voices, they do not know enough to take advantage +of their opportunities. People go to hear them because they are colored +people, and they want to hear old-fashioned negro melodies, and yet +these mokes will tackle Italian opera and high toned music that they +don't know how to sing. + +They will sing these fancy operas, and people will not pay any +attention. Along toward the end of the programme they will sing some old +nigger song, and the house fairly goes wild and calls them out half a +dozen times. And yet they do not know enough to make up a programme of +such music as they can sing, and such as the audience want. + +They get too big, these colored people do, and can't strike their level. +People who have heard Kellogg, and Marie Roze, and Gerster, are sick +when a black cat with a long red dress comes out and murders the same +pieces the prima donnas have sung. We have seen a colored girl attempt a +selection from some organ-grinder opera, and she would howl and screech, +and catch her breath and come again, and wheel and fire vocal shrapnel, +limber up her battery and take a new position, and unlimber and send +volleys of soprano grape and cannister into the audience, and then she +would catch on to the highest note she could reach and hang to it like +a dog to a root, till you would think they would have to throw a pail +of water on her to make her let go, and all the time she would be biting +and shaking like a terrier with a rat, and finally give one kick at last +at her red trail with her hind foot, and back off the stage looking as +though she would have to be carried on a dustpan, and the people in the +audience would look at each other in pity and never give her a cheer, +when, if she had come out and patted her leg, and put one hand up to +her ear, and sung, “Ise a Gwine to See Massa Jesus Early in de Mornin',” + they would have split the air wide open with cheers, and called her out +five times. + +The fact is, they haven't got sense. + +There was a hungry-looking, round-shouldered, sick-looking colored man +in that same party, that was on the programme for a violin solo. When +he came out the people looked at each other, as much as to say, “Now we +will have some fun.” The moke struck an attitude as near Ole Bull as he +could with his number eleven feet and his hollow chest, and played +some diabolical selection from a foreign cat opera that would have been +splendid if Wilhelmjor Ole Bull had played it, but the colored brother +couldn't get within a mile of the tune. He rasped his old violin for +twenty minutes and tried to look grand, and closed his eyes and seemed +to soar away to heaven,--and the audience wished to heaven he had,--and +when he became exhausted and squeezed the last note oat, and the +audience saw that he was in a profuse perspiration, they let him go and +did not call him back. If he had come out and sat on the back of a chair +and sawed off “The Devil's Dream,” or “The Arkansaw Traveler,” that +crowd would have cheered him till he thought he was a bigger man than +Grant. + +But he didn't have any sense. If some one will send a marked copy of +this paper to some of these colored concert troupes, and they will take +the hint, and sing nigger songs, they will make a heap of money, where +now they have to live on a free lunch route. + + + + +COULDN'T GET AWAY FROM HIM. + +A good many may have wondered why we so suddenly quit speeding our horse +on the avenue. For two or three days we couldn't go down the avenue +enough, and there is no person but will admit that our old pile driver +trotted real spry. We did not get the idea that he was the fastest +horse that ever was, but he seemed real soon. It takes a good deal of +executive ability for a man who has a third-class horse to keep from +going down the road with horses that are too fast. One must be a good +judge, and when he finds a horse that he can beat, stick to him. + +We got the thing down pretty fine, but one day a man drove along beside +us, going up, who seemed bound to get into conversation. He was a +red-faced man, with these side-bar whiskers, evidently a German. He was +driving a sorrel horse to a long sled, with a box on behind the seat, +a sort of delivery sleigh. He had a barrel in the sleigh, filled with +intestines from a slaughter house, two baskets full of the same freight, +a cow's head, and two sheep heads. He was evidently owner of a sausage +factory somewhere, and as he kept along beside us his company was +somewhat annoying. Not that we were proud, but we feared the people on +the avenue would think we were a silent partner in a sausage factory, +and that we were talking business. + +The man was real entertaining in his conversation, but the load he +had was not congenial, and we were glad when the foot of the hill was +reached, so we could turn around and go down, and get away from him. We +turned and spit on our hands, and begun to pull up on the old horse, +and he began to get his legs untangled and to go. We forgot about the +sausage butcher, as we went down, the fresh air making every nerve get +up and git. + +Suddenly the nose of a sorrel horse began to work up by where we sat, +and we looked around, and may we never live to make a million dollars if +it wasn't the red-faced sausage man, intestines, cow's head, basket and +all, and his old horse was coming for all that was out. We blush for our +sex. It would look nice to get in the papers that we had been racing our +blue-blooded thoroughbred against a sausage butcher, wouldn't it? Our +plan was formed in an instant. Great generals form plans suddenly, and +we took out the whip and touched our horse on a raw spot, intending to +go right away from the fertilizer. + +The horse seemed to smell the load behind him, and to have his pride +touched, for he snorted and let out another link. We don't know as +anyone would believe it, but the faster our beautiful and costly steed +went, the faster that homely and cheap butcher horse climbed. People by +the hundreds all along the line were watching the race. The baskets +of sausage covets were slewing around from one side of his sled to the +other, and we expected every moment one of them would flop over into our +cutter. + +Matters were becoming desperate, and we gave the horse one more cut and +went the last block at a fearful rate, but the butcher was right beside +us, so one mosquito bar would have covered us, and we came out neck and +neck, the Dutchman a little ahead because his horse was unchecked, and +the crowd yelled for the butcher. We turned to go up, when the butcher +came up alongside just as a carriage of beautiful ladies were passing, +and as they turned up their noses at his load, he said: + +“Dot vas a nice race, ain't it, Mister Beck?” + +We could have killed him in cold blood. Not that we dislike to be +beaten. We have always been beaten. It isn't that. But we don't want +to trot horses with no delivery wagon. We are not calculated for +associating, in the horse arena, with a load of slaughter house refuse. +It is asking too much. We are willing to race with Deacon Van Schaick, +or brother Antisdel, or Elder Hyde, or Elder Gordon, or any of those +truly good men in whom there is no guile, and in whose cutters there is +no foreign matter, but as long as reason maintains her throne we shall +never go upon the track again with a butcher. + +There should be a law passed making it a penal offence for a person with +a delivery wagon to tackle onto a man who drives a thoroughbred. It is +wrong, and will lead to trouble. We have not given up racing entirely, +but hereafter we shall look the avenue over very close for butchers +before we let out our four legged telescope. A butcher is just as good +as anybody, understand us, but they must keep their distance. We +don't want to look into, the hind end of no cutter that is filled with +slaughter house ornaments, and we won't. It is not pride of birth, or +anything of that kind, but such people ought to drive on Wells street, +or have slower horses. + + + + +DOGS AND HUMAN BEINGS. + +Lorillard, the New York tobacco man, had a poodle dog stolen, and has +offered a reward of five hundred dollars for the arrest of the thief, +and he informs a reporter that he will spend $10,000, if necessary, for +the capture and conviction of the thief. [Applause.] + +The applause marked in there will be from human skye terriers, who have +forgotten that only a few weeks ago several hundred girls, who had +been working in Lorillard's factory, went on a strike because, as they +allege, they were treated like dogs. We doubt if they were treated as +well as this poodle was treated. We doubt, in case one of these poor, +virtuous girls was kidnapped, if the great Lorillard would have offered +as big a reward for the conviction of the human thief, as he has for the +conviction of the person who has eloped with his poodle. + +We hope that the aristocracy of this country will never get to valuing +a dog higher than it does a human being. When it gets so that a rich +person would not permit a poodle to do the work in a tobacco factory +that a poor girl does to support a sick mother, hell had better be +opened for summer boarders. When girls work ten hours a day stripping +nasty tobacco, and find at the end of the week that the fines for +speaking are larger than the wages, and the fines go for the conviction +of thieves who steal the girls' master's dog, no one need come around +here lecturing at a dollar a head and telling us there is no hell. + +When a poor girl, who has gone creeping to her work at daylight, looks +out of the window at noon to see her master's carriage go by, in which +there is a five hundred dollar dog with a hundred dollar blanket on, and +a collar set with diamonds, lolling on satin cushions, and the girl is +fined ten cents for looking out of the window, you don't want to fool +away any time trying to get us to go to a heaven where such heartless +employers are expected. + +It is seldom the _Sun_ gets on its ear, but it can say with great +fervency, “Damn a man that will work poor girls like slaves, and +pay them next to nothing, and spend ten thousand dollars to catch a +dog-thief!” If these sentiments are sinful, and for expressing them we +are a candidate for fire and brimstone, it is all right, and the devil +can stoke up and make up our bunk when he hears that we are on the +through train. + +It seems now--though we may change our mind the first day at the +fire--as though we had rather be in hades with a hundred million people +who have always done the square thing, than to be in any heaven that +will pass a man in who has starved the poor and paid ten thousand +dollars to catch a dog-thief. We could have a confounded sight better +time, even if we had our ulster all burned off. It would be worth the +price of admission to stand with our back to the fire, and as we began +to smell woolen burning near the pistol pocket, to make up faces at the +ten-thousand-dollar-dog millionaires that were putting on style at the +other place. + + +***** + + +Andrews' _Bazar_ says: “Gathered waists are very much worn.” + +If the men would gather the waists carefully and not squeeze so like +blazes, they would not be worn so much. Some men go to work gathering +a waist just as they would go to work washing sheep, or raking and +binding. They ought to gather as though it was eggs done up in a +funnel-shaped brown paper at a grocery. + +The Black River Falls Independent says: “If you have any old pants to +give to the poor, take or send them to the Ladies' Relief Society.” + +Well, we have got plenty of them; but, bless you, we doubt if any member +of the Ladies' Relief Society could wear them. They don't hook up. + + + + +ARTHUR WILL KEEP A COW. + +It is announced by telegraph from Washington that Gen. Arthur will +keep a cow at the White House during his term, to furnish milk for the +family, rather than be obliged to depend upon a milk man who is in the +habit of selling a mixed drink, though the customers, prefer to take +it-straight. There is nothing that will do more to convince people of +the true simplicity of a President than for him to keep a cow. No man +who habitually associates with a cow, and stirs up a bran mash, and +watches her plow her nose down to the bottom in search of a potato +paring, can be wholly bad. If the President selects a good, honest +cow we have no fears that he will be a tyrant in his administration of +affairs. A man is very apt to absorb many of the characteristics and +traits of the cow that he milks. If she is a good natured, honest, +law abiding cow, that “hoists” at the word of command, stands firm +and immovable while being milked, and “gives down” freely, so that the +fingers are not cramped, and she does not switch her tail in the face of +the milker, the man will be a good natured, generous, honest man, but +if the cow is one of those communists, and has to be tied to the manger, +and you have to hold one leg to keep her from kicking over the pail, +and she tries to run a horn into you, and keeps stepping around, and +her tail knocks your hat off and gets in your eyes, and your nerves are +unstrung for fear she is thinking of some deviltry to play on you, the +man whose duty it is to draw the milk from her udder will become harsh, +suspicious, cruel, tricky, and mean; and he will grind the face of the +poor. + +The country will hope that Mr. Arthur, in selecting a cow, will use more +judgment than in selecting a cabinet, and will bring his great mind to +bear on the subject as though he appreciated the situation. We trust +he will not buy a cow of a democrat. There may be good cows owned by +democrats, but they are not for sale, and a democrat would sell him a +kicking cow that was farrow, just to injure his administration. Let him +go to some friend in his own party, some man who is interested in the +success of his administration, and state his case, and if possible get a +cow on trial. + +This policy is wise from the fact that he could thus see if the cow was +going to hold out as a good milker. Some cows give a good mess of milk +when they first go to a new place, but in a week they let down and the +first thing you know they dry up entirely. Mr. Arthur wants to look out +for this. The country is full of bold, bad men, who would palm off a +kicking cow, or one that was not a stayer, onto their best friends. + +Another thing, we would advise Mr. Arthur not to use a milking stool +with one leg, but to get one with three legs. It is undignified in any +man to stretch out on a barn floor, with a one-legged milk stool kicking +him in the pistol pocket, a pail of milk distributing itself over his +person, and a frightened cow backed up in a stall threatening to hook +his daylights out, and it would be more undignified in a President of +the United States. Get a three-legged stool, by all means, or use an +empty soap box to sit on. + +If all this unsolicited but well meant advice is taken, the country will +be in no danger from Arthur's decision to keep a cow, and we shall hope +to see him on some fine morning next summer, as the sun is tinging the +eastern horizon with its ray as he slaps her on the rump with a piece of +barrel stave, or we will accept an invitation to visit his barn and show +him how to mix a bran mash that will wake to ecstacy the aforesaid cow, +and cause her milk to flow like back pay from the treasury. + +When it comes to cows we deserve a cabinet position. + + + + +SHALL THERE BE HUGGING IN THE PARKS? + +The law-abiding people of this community were startled on Tuesday, +and the greatest indignation prevailed at an editorial article in the +_Sentinel_ denouncing the practice of hugging in the public parks. The +article went on to show that the placing of seats in the parks leads +to hugging, and the editor denounced hugging in the most insane manner +possible. + +The _Sun_ does not desire to enter politics, but when a great +constitutional question like this comes up, it will be found on the side +of the weak against the strong. + +The _Sentinel_ advises the removal of the seats from the park because +hugging is done on them. Great heavens! has it come to this? Are the +dearest rights of the American citizen to be abridged in this summary +manner? Let us call the attention of that powerful paper to a clause in +the Declaration of Independence, which asserts that “all men are created +free and equal, endowed with certain inalienable rights, among which are +life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” When the framers of that +great Declaration of Independence were at work on that clause, they must +have had in view the pastime of hugging in the parks. + +Hugging is certainly a “pursuit of happiness.” People do not hug for +wages--that is, except on the stage. Nobody is obliged to hug. It is a +sort of spontaneous combustion, as it were, of the feelings, and has to +have proper conditions of the atmosphere to make it a success. Parties +who object to hugging are old, usually, and have been satiated, and are +like a lemon that has done duty in circus lemonade. If they had a job of +hugging, they would want to hire a man to do it for them. + +A man who objects to a little natural, soul-inspiring hugging on a back +seat in a park, of an evening, with a fountain throwing water all over +little cast-iron cupids, has probably got a soul, but he hasn't got it +with him. To the student of nature there is no sight more beautiful than +to see a flock of young people take seats in the park, after the sun has +gone to bed in the west, and the moon has pulled a fleecy cloud over her +face for a veil, so as not to disturb the worshippers. + +A couple, one a male and the other a female, will sit far apart on the +cast-iron seat for a moment, when the young lady will try to fix her +cloak over her shoulders, and she can't fix it, and then the young man +will help her, and when he has got it fixed he will go off and leave one +arm around the small of her back. He will miss his arm, and wonder where +he left it, and go back after it, and in the dark he will feel around +with the other hand to find the hand he left, and suddenly the two hands +will meet; they will express astonishment, and clasp each other, and be +so glad that they will begin to squeeze, and the chances are that they +will cut the girl in two, but they never do. Under such circumstances, a +girl can exist on less atmosphere than she can when doing a washing. + +There is just about so much hugging that has to be done, and the +_Sentinel_ should remember that very many people have not facilities at +their homes for such soul-stirring work, and they are obliged to flee +to the parks, or to the woods, where the beneficent city government has +provided all of the modern improvements. + +Hugging is as necessary to the youth of the land as medicine to the +sick, and instead of old persons, whose days of kittenhood are over, +throwing cold water upon the science of hugging, they should encourage +it by all legitimate means. + +When, in strolling through the parks, you run on to a case of sporadic +hugging, instead of making a noise on the gravel walk, to cause the +huggists to stop it, you should trace your steps noiselessly, get behind +a tree, and see how long they can stand it without dying. Instead of +removing the cast-iron seats from the parks, we should be in favor of +furnishing reserved seats for old people, so they can sit and watch the +hugging. + +It doesn't do any hurt to hug. + +People think it is unhealthy, but nobody was ever known to catch cold +while hugging. It is claimed by some that young people who stay out +nights and hug, are not good for anything the next day. There is +something to this, but if they didn't get any hugging they wouldn't be +worth a cent any time. They would be all the time looking for it. + +No, good Mr. _Sentinel_, on behalf of fifty thousand young people who +have no organ to make known their wants, we ask you to stay your hand, +and do not cause the seats to be removed from the parks. Remember how +many there are who have yet to learn the noble art of hugging, and give +them a chance. + + + + +THE BOB-TAILED BADGER. + +The last legislature, having nothing else to do, passed a law providing +for a change in the coat-of-arms of the State. There was no change, +particularly, except to move the plows and shovels around a little, +put on a few more bars of pig lead, put a new fashioned necktie on the +sailor who holds the rope, the emblem of lynch law, tuck the miner's +breeches into his boots a little further, and amputate the tail of the +badger. We do not care for the other changes, as they were only intended +to give the engraver a job, but when an irresponsible legislature +amputates the tail of the badger, the emblem of the democratic party +that crawls into a hole and pulls the hole in after him, it touches us +in our patriotism. + +The badger, as nature made him, is a noble bird, and though he resembles +a skunk too much to be very proud of, they had no right to cut off his +tail and stick it up like a sore thumb. As it is now the new comer to +our Garden of Eden will not know whether our emblem is a Scotch terrier +smelling into the archives of the State for a rat, or a defalcation, +or a _sic semper Americanus scunch_. We do not complain that the sailor +with the Pinafore shirt on, on the new coat-of-arms, is made to resemble +Senator Cameron, or that the miner looks like Senator Sawyer. These +things are of minor importance, but the docking of that badger's tail, +and setting it up like a bob-tail horse, is an outrage upon every +citizen of the State, and when the democrats get into power that tail +shall be restored to its normal condition if it takes all the blood +and treasure in the State, and this work of the republican incendiaries +shall be undone. The idea of Wisconsin appearing among the galaxy of +States with a bob-tailed badger is repugnant to all our finer feelings. + + + + +CANNIBALS AND CORK LEGS. + +Great results are expected from an experiment recently tried by the +American Missionary Society. Last fall they sent as missionary to the +cannibal Islands a brother who had lost both arms and both legs in a +railroad accident. He was provided with cork limbs, and his voice being, +in good condition it was believed he could get in his work with the +heathen as well as though he was a whole man. The idea was to allow the +cannibals to kill him and eat him, believing that the heathen would see +the error of their ways and swear off on human flesh. + +A report has been received which is very encouraging. It seems that the +cannibals killed the good missionary, and cut off his arms and legs for +a sort of stew, or “boyaw,” thus falling directly into the trap set for +them by the missionary society. The missionary stationed at the next +town, who furnishes the society with the data, says it was the most +laughable thing he ever witnessed, to see the heathen chew on those +cork limbs. They boiled them all day and night, keeping up a sort of a +go-as-you-please walk around, or fresh meat dance, and giving a sacred +concert about like our national “Whoop it up, Liza Jane,” and when they +stuck a fork into the boiling limbs, and found that the “meat” seemed +water soaked, they set the table and sounded the loud timbrel for +breakfast. + +The surviving missionary says he shall never forget the look of pain on +the face of a buck cannibal as he bit into the elbow joint of the late +lamented and struck a brass hinge. He picked it out as an American would +pick a buckshot out of a piece of venison, and laid it beside his plate +in an abstracted manner, and began to chew on the cork elbow. Any person +who has ever tried to draw a cork out of a beer bottle with his teeth +can realize the feelings of these cannibals as they tried to draw +sustenance from the remains of the cork man. They were saddened, and it +is safe to say they are incensed against the missionary society. + +Whether they will conclude that all Americans have become tough, and +quit trying to masticate them, is not known, though that is the object +sought to be attained by the society. One of the cannibals said he +knew, when those legs and arms would not stay under water when they were +boiling, and had to be loaded down with stones, that the meat wasn't +right, but his wife told him “some pork _would_ bile so.” + +The experiment is worth following up, and we suppose hereafter there +will be a great demand for men with cork arms and legs to be sent as +missionaries. After a few such experiences the cannibals may see the +error of their ways and become Christians, and eat dog sausage and +Limberg cheese. + + + + +THE MINISTERIAL PUGILISTS. + +Those who read the account of the trial of Rev. Carhart, at Oshkosh, +are about as sick of true goodness as men can be. They open the +ecclesiastical court by singing “A charge to keep I have,” and then +Brother Haddock, after a prayer has been delivered, does not keep his +charges, but fires them at the presiding elder. Good old tunes are sung +previous to calling witnesses to testify to alleged three carde monte +acts of a disciple of Christ. Sanctimonious looking men pray for divine +guidance, and then try to prove that a dear brother has bilked another +dear brother out of several hundred dollars on Texas lands, and that he +tried to trade a wagon at double what it is worth to settle the matter. + +They sing, “Take me just as I am,” and then try to prove that the one +who made charges against the other is not altogether holy, because he is +alleged to have confessed to passing the night in a room with a female +church member, in silent devotion, when he swears it is a lie,--that he +only laid on a lounge. + +Prominent Methodists collect at the bull-fight in Oshkosh, take sides +with one or the other, and lay their bottom prayer that their champion +will come out on top, with not a stripe polluted nor a star erased: + +One side sings, “Jesus caught me when a stranger,” and the other side +smiles and winks and whispers that they are glad he was caught. + +They sing, “Rock of ages, cleft for me,” and proceed to cleave the rock +of each other's character. They cast one eye heavenward in prayer, while +with the other they watch the other side to see that they don't steal +the testimony. + +Some one starts “Little drops of water,” and big drops of perspiration +appear on truly good foreheads for fear proof will be adduced to show +that money has been obtained under false pretenses. + +And this goes by the name of religion! + +There should be honor among ministers. Both of the principals in +this suit should be bounced. If the charges are true, Carhart should +emigrate. If they are not true, Haddock should emigrate. + + + + +MUSIC ON THE WATERS. + +Our readers have no doubt noticed in the papers that the Goodrich +Transportation Company had secured a band from Waupun to make music on +the boats of that line between Milwaukee and Chicago this summer. Well, +there is trouble going on in consequence. Mr. Hurson, of the Goodrich +line, entrusted the organization of the band to Mr. Nick Jarvis, of +Waupun, a gentleman whose reputation as a scientific pounder of the +bass drum has received encomiums from the crowned heads of Oshkosh and +Hazen's cheese factory. + +Having such confidence in Mr. Jarvis, Mr. Hurson gave him a roving +commission, with authority to secure the best talent in the known world. +He organized the band, and then it occurred to Mr. Jarvis that the +musicians had always been accustomed to playing on land, and they +might be sick on the water, so he took measures to accustom them to a +sea-faring life before leaving Waupun. He got them to practicing in +a building, and hired some boys to throw water up on the side of the +house, to see if they would be seasick. The band fellows would have +stood the sea first-rate, only the villains who had been hired to throw +the water used a lot of dirty stuff they found back of a hotel, which +smelled powerful. + +A number of the band members felt the swash of the waves against the +bulwarks of the house, and smelled what they supposed to be salt sea +air, and they leaned out of the windows and wanted to throw up their +situations, but a German in the party had a lemon and some cheese, which +was given around to taste and smell, and they came out of it all right. + +Mr. Jarvis' next idea, to accustom the prairie sailors to the vasty +deep, was to take them out on the mill pond at Waupun in a skiff. They +got out in the middle of the pond, and were playing a selection from the +opera of “Solid Muldoon,” when a boy who had slipped into the boat with +a fish-pole, got a bite from a bull-head, which caused the vessel to +roll, and the utmost confusion prevailed. Ordering the snare drum player +to “cut away the main bob-stay, and belay the cornet,” Mr. Jarvis took +the bass drum between his teeth and jumped overboard, followed by the +band, and they waded ashore. + +On Monday last the band arrived in Milwaukee and reported on board the +Goodrich steamer, in the river, ready for business. They were told to +go as they pleased until evening, when they would be expected to play +before the boat started, and also on the trip to Chicago. The men sat +around on deck all the afternoon, and smelled of the river. It smelled +different from any salt water they ever snuffed, and they wanted to go +home. + +At seven o'clock the band played a few tunes as the boat lay in the +river, and finally she let go her ropes and steamed down toward the +lake, the band whooping it up to the “Blue Danube.” As the boat struck +blue water, and her bow raised out about sixteen feet and began to +jump, the cornet player stopped to pour water out of his horn, and lean +against a post. He was as pale as death, and the tuba player stopped to +see what ailed the cornet player, and to lean over the railing to see +a man down stairs. The baritone had eaten something that did not agree +with him, and he stopped playing and laid down in a life boat, the alto +became cold around the extremities and quit playing and went to the +smoke stack to warm himself, the b-flat began to perspire and quit +playing and fanned himself with the cymbals, and all of the horn blowers +were e-flat and b-flat on the deck in less than two minutes. + +The captain noticed that there was some discrepancy in the music and +came on deck to see about it. Wading through the brass horns he came up +to where the band had been, and found Nick Jarvis beating blazes out of +the bass drum and Harve Hill carving the Blue Danube out of the snare +drum, and that was all the music there was. The captain asked Jarvis +what kind of a riot that was, and he told him it was the best they could +do under the circumstances. + +Restoratives were applied to the members, and they braced up enough to +start in on “Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep,” but they couldn't play +it through, owing to dyspepsia. The captain got them into the cabin to +play for the young folks to dance, but the only thing they could play +without getting sick was “Home Again, from a Foreign Shore,” and the +bass drum had to do it all. The horn blowers were out looking at the +starlight, leaning over the railing, as the stars were reflected in the +water. + +At Racine it took some time to load, owing to rough water, and in the +midst of it all a pale man, with a snare drum on his arm, rolled up +against the captain. It was Harve Hill. He held his hand over his mouth +and in a voice choked with emotion and fried potatoes he said: + +“Captain, I am a poor man, but if you will land this boat and save me, I +will give you nine dollars.” + +The captain decided to dispense with the music the rest of the night, +and let the band get on its sea legs. + +At Chicago, the next morning, Jarvis, who had got a little sick, too, +tried to induce the captain to allow the band to walk back to Milwaukee +on the shore, beside the boat. He said they could play any tune that +ever was played, on land, and the passengers could hear it just as well, +if the boat kept alongside of the band. The captain wouldn't let them +off, and they have been kept on the boat all the week, so that now they +are old sailors, and can play all right. But it was pretty tough the +first night. Waupun is organizing a reception for the band when it comes +home. + + + + +WOMAN-DOZING A DEMOCRAT. + +A fearful tale comes to us from Columbus. A party of prominent citizens +of that place took a trip to the Dells of Wisconsin one day last week. +It was composed of ladies and gentlemen of both political parties, +and it was hoped that nothing would occur to mar the pleasure of the +excursion. + +When the party visited the Dells, Mr. Chapin, a lawyer of Democratic +proclivities, went out upon a rock overhanging a precipice, or words to +that effect, and he became so absorbed in the beauty of the scene that +he did not notice a Republican lady who left the throng and waltzed +softly up behind him. She had blood in her eye and gum in her mouth, and +she grasped the lawyer, who is a weak man, by the arms, and hissed in +his ear: + +“Hurrah for Garfield, or I will plunge you headlong into the yawning +gulf below!” + +It was a trying moment. Chapin rather enjoyed being held by a woman, +but not in such a position that, if she let go her hold to spit on +her hands, he would go a hundred feet down, and become as flat as the +Greenback party, and have to be carried home in a basket. + +In a second he thought over all the sins of his past life, which was +pretty quick work, as anybody will admit who knows the man. He thought +of how he would be looked down upon by Gabe Bouck, and all the fellows, +if it once got out that he had been frightened into going back on his +party. + +He made up his mind that he would die before he would hurrah for +Garfield, but when the merciless woman pushed him towards the edge of +the rock, and said, “Last call! Yell, or down you go!” he opened his +mouth and yelled so they heard it in Kilbourn City: + +“Hurrah for Garfield! Now lemme go!” + +Though endowed with more than ordinary eloquence, no remarks that he had +ever made before brought the applause that this did. Everybody yelled, +and the woman smiled as pleasantly as though she had not crushed the +young life out of her victim, and left him a bleeding sacrifice on the +altar of his country, but when she had realized what she had done her +heart smote her, and she felt bad. + +Chapin will never be himself again. From that moment his proud spirit +was broken, and all during the picnic he seemed to have lost his cud. He +leaned listlessly against a tree, pale as death, and fanned himself +with a skimmer. When the party had spread the lunch on the ground +and gathered around, sitting on the ant-hills, he sat down with them +mechanically, but his appetite was gone, and when that is gone there is +not enough of him left for a quorum. + +Friends rallied around him, passed the pickles, and drove the antmires +out of a sandwich, and handed it to him on a piece of shingle, but he +either passed or turned it down. He said he couldn't take a trick. Later +on, when the lemonade was brought on, the flies were skimmed off of some +of it, and a little colored water was put in to make it look inviting, +but his eyes were sot. He said they couldn't fool him. After what had +occurred, he didn't feel as though any Democrat was safe. He expected to +be poisoned on account of his politics, and all he asked was to live to +get home. + +Nothing was left undone to rally him, and cause him to forget the +fearful scene through which he had passed. Only once did he partially +come to himself, and show an interest in worldly affairs, and that was +when it was found that he had sat down on some raspberry jam with his +white pants on. When told of it, he smiled a ghastly smile, and said +they were all welcome to his share of the jam. + +They tried to interest him in conversation by drawing war maps with +three-tined forks on the jam, but he never showed that he knew what +they were about until Mr. Moak, of Watertown, took a brush, made of +cauliflower preserved in mustard, and shaded the lines of the war map on +Mr. Cha-pin's trousers, which Mr. Butterfield had drawn in the jam. Then +his artistic eye took in the incongruity of the colors, and he gasped +for breath, and said: + +“Moak, that is played out. People will notice it.” + +But he relapsed again into semi-unconsciousness, and never spoke again, +not a great deal, till he got home. + +He has ordered that there be no more borrowing of sugar and drawings of +tea back and forth between his house and that of the lady who broke his +heart, and he has announced that he will go without saurkraut all winter +rather than borrow a machine for cutting cabbage of a woman that would +destroy the political prospects of a man who had never done a wrong in +his life. + +He has written to the chairman of the Democratic State Central Committee +to suspend judgment on his case, until he can explain how it happened +that a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat hurrahed for Garfield. + + + + +A LIVELY TRAIN LOAD. + +Last week a train load of insane persons were removed from the Oshkosh +Asylum to the Madison Asylum. As the train was standing on the sidetrack +at Watertown Junction it created considerable curiosity. People who have +ever passed Watertown Junction have noticed the fine old gentleman who +comes into the car with a large square basket, peddling popcorn. He is +one of the most innocent and confiding men in the world. He is honest, +and he believes that everybody else is honest. + +He came up to the depot with his basket, and seeing the train he asked +Pierce, the landlord there, what train it was. Pierce, who is a most +diabolical person, told the old gentleman that it was a load of members +of the legislature and female lobbyists going to Madison. With that +beautiful confidence which the pop corn man has in all persons, he +believed the story, and went in the car to sell pop corn. + +Stopping at the first seat, where a middle-aged lady was sitting alone, +the pop corn man passed out his basket and said, “fresh pop corn.” The +lady took her foot down off the stove, looked at the man a moment with +eyes glaring and wild, and said, “It is--no, it cannot be--and yet it +_is_ me long lost Duke of Oshkosh,” and she grabbed the old man by the +necktie with one hand and pulled him down into the seat, and began to +mow away corn into her mouth. The pop corn man blushed, looked at the +rest of the passengers to see if they were looking, and said, as he +replaced the necktie knot from under his left ear and pushed his collar +down, “Madame, you are mistaken. I have never been a duke in Oshkosh. +I live here at the Junction.” The woman looked at him as though she +doubted his statement, but let him go. + +He proceeded to the next seat, when a serious looking man rose up and +bowed; the pop corn man also bowed and smiled as though he might have +met him before. Taking a paper of pop corn and putting it in his coat +tail pocket, the serious man said, “I was honestly elected President of +the United States in 1876, but was counted out by the vilest conspiracy +that ever was concocted on the earth, and I believe you are one of the +conspirators,” and he spit on his hands and looked the pop corn man +in the eye. The pop corn man said he never took any active part in +politics, and had nothing to do with that Hayes business at all. Then +the serious man sat down and began eating the pop corn, while two +women on the other side of the car helped themselves to the corn in the +basket. + +The pop corn man held out his hand for the money, when a man two seats +back came forward and shook hands with him, saying: “They told me you +would not come, but you have come, Daniel, and now we will fight it out. +I will take this razor, and you can arm yourself at your leisure.” The +man reached into an inside, pocket of his coat, evidently for a razor, +when the pop corn man started for the door, his eyes sticking out two +inches. Every person he passed took a paper of pop corn, one man grabbed +his coat and tore one tail off, another took his basket away and as +he rushed out on the platform the basket was thrown at his head, and a +female voice said, “I will be ready when the carriage calls at 8.” + +As the old gentleman struck the platform and began to arrange his toilet +he met Fitzgerald, the conductor, who asked him what was the matter. +He said Pierce told him that crowd was going to the legislature, “but,” + says he, as he picked some pieces of paper collar out of the back of +his neck, “if those people are not delegates to a democratic convention, +then I have been peddling pop corn on this road ten years for nothing, +and don't know my business.” Fitz told him they were patients going to +the Insane Asylum. + +The old man thought it over a moment, and then he picked up a coupling +pin and went looking for Pierce. He says he will kill him. Pierce has +not been out of the house since. This Pierce is the same man that lent +us a runaway horse once. + + + + +HOW SHARPER THAN A HOUND'S TOOTH. + +Years ago we swore on a stack of red chips that we would never own +another dog. Six promising pups that had been presented to us, blooded +setters and pointers, had gone the way of all dog flesh, with the +distemper and dog buttons, and by falling in the cistern, and we had +been bereaved _via_ dog misfortunes as often as John R. Bennett, of +Janesville, has been bereaved on the nomination for attorney general. +We could not look a pup in the face but it would get sick, and so we +concluded never again to own a dog. + +The vow has been religiously kept since. Men have promised us thousands +of pups, but we have never taken them. One conductor has promised us at +least seventy-five pups, but he has always failed to get us to take one. +Dog lovers have set up nights to devise a way to induce us to accept +a dog. We held out firmly until last week. One day we met Pierce, the +Watertown Junction hotel man, and he told us he had a greyhound pup that +was the finest bread dog--we think he said bread dog, though it might +have been a sausage dog he said--anyway he told us it was blooded, and +that when it grew up to be a man--that is, figuratively speaking--when +it grew up to be a dog full size, it would be the handsomest canine in +the Northwest. + +We kicked on it, entirely, at first, but when he told us hundreds of men +who had seen the pup had offered him thousands of dollars for it, but +that he had rather give it to a friend than sell it to a stranger; we +weakened, and told him to send it in. + +Well--(excuse us while we go into a corner and mutter a silent +remark)--it came in on the train Monday, and was taken to the barn. It +is the confoundedest looking dog that a white man ever set eyes on. It +is about the color of putty, and about seven feet long, though it is +only six months old. The tail is longer than a whip lash, and when you +speak sassy to that dog, the tail will begin to curl around under him, +amongst his legs, double around over his neck and back over where the +tail originally was hitched to the dog, and then there is tail enough +left for four ordinary dogs. + +It is the longest tail we have ever seen in one number. If that tail +was cut up into ordinary tails, such as common dogs wear, there would +be enough for all the dogs in the Seventh ward, with enough left for a +white wire clothes line. When he lays down his tail curls up like a coil +of telephone wire, and if you take hold of it and wring you can hear the +dog at the central office. If that dog is as long in proportion, when +he gets his growth, and his tail grows as much as his body does, the dog +will reach from here to the Soldier's home. + +His head is about as big as a graham gem, and runs down to a point not +bigger than a cambric needle, while his ears are about as big as a thumb +to a glove, and they hang down as though the dog didn't want to hear +anything. How a head of that kind can contain brains enough to cause a +dog to know enough to go in when it rains is a mystery. But he seems to +be intelligent. + +If a man comes along on the sidewalk, the dog will follow him off, +follow him until he meets another man, and then he follows _him_ till he +meets another, and so on until he has followed the entire population. He +is not an aristocratic dog, but will follow one person just as soon as +another, and to see him going along the street, with his tail coiled up, +apparently oblivious to every human sentiment, it is touching. + +His legs are about the size of pipe stems, and his feet are as big as a +base ball base. He wanders around, following a boy, then a middle aged +man, then a little girl, then an old man, and finally, about meal time, +the last person he follows seems to go by the barn and the dog wanders +in and looks for a buffalo robe or a harness tug to chew. It does not +cost anything to keep him, as he has only eaten one trotting harness and +one fox skin robe since Monday, though it may not be right to judge of +his appetite, as he may be a little off his feed. + +Pierce said he would be a nice dog to run with a horse, or under a +carriage. Why, bless you, he won't go within twenty feet of a horse, and +a horse would run away to look at him; besides, he gets right under a +carriage wheel, and when the wheel runs over him he complains, and sings +Pinafore. + +What under the sun that dog is ever going to be good for is more than we +know. He is too lean and bony for sausage. A piece of that dog as big as +your finger in a sausage would ruin a butcher. It would be a dead give +away. He looks as though he might point game, if the game was brought to +his attention, but he would be just as liable to point a cow. He might +do to stuff and place in a front yard to frighten burglars. If a burglar +wouldn't be frightened at that dog nothing would scare him. + +Anyway, now we have got him, we will bring him up, though it seems as +though he would resemble a truss bridge or a refrigerator car, as much +as a dog, when he gets his growth. For fear he will follow off a wagon +track we tie a knot in his tail. Parties who have never seen a very long +dog can call at the barn about meal time and see him. + + + + +A SEWING MACHINE GIVEN TO THE BOSS GIRL. + +In response to a request from W. T. Vankirk, George W. Peck presented +the Rock County Agricultural Society with a sewing machine, to be given +to the “boss combination girl” of Rock County. With the machine he +sent the following letter, which explains his meaning of a “combination +girl,” etc.: + +Milwaukee, June 7, 1881. + +W. T. Vankirk--Dear Sir: Your letter, in reference to my giving some +kind of a premium to somebody, at your County Fair, is received, and I +have been thinking it over. I have brought my massive intellect to bear +upon the subject, with the following result: + +I ship you to-day, by express, a sewing machine, complete, with cover, +drop leaf, hemmer, tucker, feller, drawers, and everything that a girl +wants, except corsets and tall stockings. Now, I want you to give that +to the best “combination girl” in Rock County, with the compliments of +the _Sun_. + +What I mean by a “combination,” is one that in the opinion of +your Committee has all the modern improvements, and a few of the +old-fashioned faults, such as health, etc. She must be good-looking, +that is, not too handsome, but just handsome enough. You don't want to +give this machine to any female statue, or parlor ornament, who don't +know how to play a tune on it, or who is as cold as a refrigerator car, +and has no heart concealed about her person. Our girl, that is, our +“Fair Girl,” that takes this machine, must be “the boss.” She must be +jolly and good-natured, such a girl as would make the young man that +married her think that Rock County was the next door to heaven, anyway. +She must be so healthy that nature's roses will discount any preparation +ever made by man, and so well-formed that nothing artificial is needed +to--well, Van, you know what I mean. + +You want to pick out a thoroughbred, that is, all wool, a yard +wide--that is, understand me, I don't want the girl to be a yard wide, +but just right. Your Committee don't want to get “mashed” on some +ethereal creature whose belt is not big enough for a dog collar. This +premium girl wants to be able to do a day's work, if necessary, and one +there is no danger of breaking in two if her intended should hug her. + +After your Committee have got their eyes on a few girls that they think +will fill the bill, then they want to find out what kind of girls +they are around their home. Find if they honor their fathers and their +mothers, and are helpful, and care as much for the happiness of those +around them as they do for their own. If you find one who is handsome as +Venus--I don't know Venus, but I have heard that she takes the cake--I +say, if you find one that is perfect in everything, but shirks her +duties at home, and plays, “I Want to Be an Angel,” on the piano, while +her mother is mending her stockings, or ironing her “picnic skirts,” then +let her go ahead and be an angel as quick as she wants to, but don't +give her the machine.. You catch the idea? + +Find a girl who has the elements of a noble woman; one whose heart is so +large that she has to wear a little larger corset than some, but one who +will make her home happy, and who is a friend to all; one who would +walk further to do a good deed, and relieve suffering, than she would to +patronize an ice cream saloon; one who would keep her mouth shut a month +before she would say an unkind word, or cause a pang to another. Let +your Committee settle on such a girl, and she is as welcome to that +machine as possible. + +Now, Van, you ought to have a Committee appointed at once, and no one +should know who the Committee is. They should keep their eyes out from +now till the time of the Fair, and they should compare notes once in a +while. You have got some splendid judges of girls there in Janesville, +but you better appoint married men. They are usually more unbiased. They +should not let any girl know that she is suspected of being the premium +girl, until the judgment is rendered, so no one will be embarrassed by +feeling that she is competing tor a prize. + +Now, Boss, I leave the constitution and the girls in your hands; and if +this premium is the means of creating any additional interest in your +Fair, and making people feel good natured and jolly, I shall be amply +repaid. + +Your friend, + +Geo. W. Peck. + + + + +DON'T APPRECIATE KINDNESS. + +One of the members of the Humane Society, who lives in an aristocratic +ward, had been annoyed at hearing sounds from a stable near his +residence, which indicated that a boy who had charge of a horse was +in the habit of pounding the animal vigorously every morning, while +cleaning off the dirt. It seemed to the humane man that the boy must use +a barrel stave or fence board to curry off the horse, and the way the +animal danced around the barn was terrible. + +It occurred every morning, and the humane man made up his mind that it +was his duty to put a stop to it. He went to the barn one morning, just +as the cotillion commenced. Looking through a knot hole he saw the horse +tied so his head was away up to the top of the barn, so he could not use +his teeth to defend himself. The boy stood with a curry comb in one hand +and a piece of plank in the other, and he warmed the horse with both, +and the animal kicked for all that was out. + +The humane man thought this was the worst case of cruelty to animals +that ever was, and he rapped for admission. The boy, covered with +perspiration, horse tail, stable refuse and indignation, opened the +door, and the humane man proceeded to read him a lecture about cruelty +to dumb animals, called him a fiend in human form, and told him that +kindness was what was necessary, instead of a club. + +The boy couldn't get in a word edgeways for a while, but when the man +had exhausted his talk the boy told him that kindness might work on +ordinary horses, but this horse was the meanest animal in the world. +He would bite and kick without any provocation, and the present owner +couldn't sell him or give him away. He said that the only way he could +be curried was to tie him up at both ends, and the only way he could be +harnessed was to toss the harness on him with a pitch fork. + +The horse, with his head tied up so high that he could not use it, +looked down at the humane man with one eye filled with emotion--the +other eye had been knocked out years ago--and seemed to be thanking +the kind-hearted citizen for interfering in the matinee and causing +hostilities to be suspended. The humane man was touched by the +intelligent look of the horse, and insisted that the animal be untied +and allowed its freedom. The boy said he didn't dare untie him, for he +would kick the side of the barn out, but the man insisted that he should +release the horse, and went up to his head to do so, when the boy went +through the manure hole in the side of the barn. + +What happened when the humane citizen untied the halter will perhaps +never be definitely known, but no sooner had the boy struck the ground +through the hole, than there was a sound of revelry in the barn, there +came a yell through the crevices, there seemed to be a company of +cavalry drilling on the barn floor, there was a sound as of cloth +tearing, and then it appeared as though something was climbing up the +inside of the barn, and after which the hind heels of the horse could be +heard playing the snare drum on the manger. The boy roused the neighbors +and they armed themselves and entered the barn. They found the horse in +the stall, with its head where its tail should be, with its mouth full +of pantaloons cloth, and kicking away as though its heart would break. + +And the humane man, where, O, where was he? Ask of the winds that far +around with fragments of hat and coat tail strewed the barn floor. + +“Shoot the horse.” said a faint voice from the upper part of the barn, +and every eye was turned in that direction. The humane man was up there, +clinging to a cross piece. He had evidently gone up the ladder which +led to the hay loft, a little ahead of the horse, and as he clung to the +cross piece, his coat tail gone, and the vital part of his pantaloons +and some skin gone to that bourne from whence no pantaloons seat +returns, his bald head covered with dust and cobwebs, he was a picture +of meekness. + +The crowd got the horse into another stall, head first, and put bars +across, and the humane man came down from his perch. Seizing a barn +shovel, and spitting on his hands, he asked his friends to wait and +watch him curry off that horse just a minute for luck. He said he only +wanted to live just long enough to maul every rib out of the animal, and +if he was forgiven for interfering in somebody's else's business this +time he would try and lead a different life in the future. + +They put a horse blanket around his wounds and led him home, and he has +given the boy five dollars to pound the horse an hour every morning for +the next thirty days. You can't make that man believe that a horse has +any intelligence. + + + + +RELIGION AND FISH. + +Newspaper reports of the proceedings of the Sunday School Association +encamped on Lake Monona, at Madison, give about as many particulars +of big catches of fish as of sinners. The delegates divide their time +catching sinners on spoon-hooks and bringing pickerel to repentance. +Some of the good men hurry up their prayers, and while the “Amen” + is leaving their lips they snatch a fish-pole in one hand and a +baking-powder box full of angle worms in the other, and light out for +the Beautiful Beyond, where the rock bass turn up sideways, and the +wicked cease from troubling. + +Discussions on how to bring up children in the way they should go are +broken into by a deacon with his nose peeled coming up the bank with a +string of perch in one hand, a broken fish-pole in the other, and a pair +of dropsical pantaloons dripping dirty water into his shoes. + +It is said to be a beautiful sight to see a truly good man offering up +supplications from under a wide-brimmed fishing hat, and as he talks of +the worm that never, or hardly ever dies, red angle worms that have dug +out of the piece of paper in which they were rolled up are crawling out +of his vest pocket. + +The good brothers compare notes of good places to do missionary work, +where sinners are so thick you can knock them down with a club, and then +they get boats and row to some place on the lake where a local liar has +told them the fish are just sitting around on their haunches waiting for +some one to throw in a hook. + +This mixing religion with fishing for black bass and pickerel is a +good thing for religion, and not a bad thing for the fish. Let these +Christian statesmen get “mashed” on the sport of catching fish, and they +will have more charity for the poor man who, after working hard twelve +hours a day for six days, goes out on a lake Sunday and soaks a worm in +the water and appeases the appetite of a few of God's hungry pike, and +gets dinner for himself in the bargain. While arguing that it is wrong +to fish on Sunday, they will be brought right close to the fish, and +can see better than before, that if a poor man is rowing a boat across a +lake on Sunday, and his hook hangs over the stern, with a piece of liver +on, and a fish that nature has made hungry tries to steal his line and +pole and liver, it is a duty he owes to society to take that fish by the +gills, put it in the boat and reason with it, and try to show it that +in leaving its devotions on a Sunday and snapping at a poor man's only +hook, it was setting a bad example. + +These Sunday school people will have a nice time, and do a great amount +of good, if the fish continue to bite, and they can go home with their +hearts full of the grace of God, their stomachs full of fish, their +teeth full of bones; and if they fall out of the boats, and their +suspenders hold out, they may catch a basin full of eels in the basement +of their pantaloons. + +But we trust they will not try to compete with the local sports in +telling fish stories. That would break up a whole Sunday school system. + + + + +A DOCTOR OF LAWS. + +A doctor at Ashland is also a justice of the peace, and when he is +called to visit a house he don't know whether he is to physic or to +marry. Several times he has been, called out in the night, to the +country, and he supposed some one must be awful sick, and he took a cart +load of medicines, only to find somebody wanted marrying. He has been +fooled so much that when he is called out now he carries a pill-bag and +a copy of the statutes, and tells them to take their choice. + +He was called to one house and found a girl who seemed feverish. She was +sitting up in a chair, dressed nicely, but he saw at once that the fatal +flush was on her cheek, and her eyes looked peculiar. He felt of her +pulse, and it was beating at the rate of two hundred a minute. He asked +her to run out her tongue, and she run out eight or nine inches of the +lower end of it. It was covered with a black coating, and he shook his +head and looked sad. She had never been married any before, and supposed +that it was necessary for a justice who was going to marry a couple to +know all about their physical condition, so she kept quiet and answered +questions. + +She did not tell him that she had been eating huckleberry pie, so he +laid the coating on her tongue to some disease that was undermining her +constitution. He put his ear on her chest and listened to the beating of +her heart, and shook his head again. + +He asked her if she had been exposed to any contagious disease. She +didn't know what a contagious disease was, but on the hypothesis that +he had reference to sparking, she blushed and said she had, but only two +evenings, because John had only just got back from the woods where he +had been chopping, and she had to sit up with him. + +The doctor got out his pill-bags and made some quinine powders, and gave +her some medicine in two tumblers, to be taken alternately, and told her +to soak her feet and go to bed, and put a hot mustard poultice on her +chest, and some onions around her neck. + +She was mad, and flared right up, and said she wasn't very well posted, +and lived in the country, but if she knew her own heart she would not +play such a trick as that on a new husband. + +The doctor got mad, and asked her if she thought he didn't understand +his business; and he was about to go and let her die, when the +bridegroom came in and told him to go ahead with the marrying. The doc +said that altered the case. He said next time he came he should know +what to bring, and then she blushed, and told him he was an old fool +anyway, but he pronounced them man and wife, and said the prescription +would be five dollars, the same as though there had been somebody sick. + +But the doc had cheek. Just as he was leaving he asked the bridegroom +if he didn't want to ride up to Ashland with him, it was only eighteen +miles, and the ride would be lonesome, but the bride said not if the +court knew herself, and the bridegroom said now he was there he guessed +he would stay. He said he didn't care much about going to Ashland +anyway. + + + + +THE DIFFERENCE IN HORSES. + +There has been a great change in livery horses within the last twenty +years. Years ago, if a young fellow wanted to take his girl out riding, +and expected to enjoy himself, he had to hire an old horse, the worst +in the livery stable, that would drive itself, or he never could get his +arm around his girl to save him. If he took a decent looking team, to to +put on style, he had to hang on to the lines with both hands, and if +he even took his eyes off the team to look at the suffering girl beside +him, with his mouth, the chances were that the team would jump over a +ditch, or run away, at the concussion. Riding out with girls was shorn +of much of its pleasure in those days. + +We knew a young man that was going to put one arm around his girl if he +did not lay up a cent, and it cost him over three hundred dollars. The +team ran away, the buggy was wrecked, one horse was killed, the girl had +her hind leg broken, and the girl's father kicked the young man all over +the orchard, and broke the mainspring of his watch. + +It got so that the livery rig a young man drove was an index to his +thoughts. If he had a stylish team that was right up on the bit, and +full of vinegar, and he braced himself and pulled for all that was out, +and the girl sat back in the corner of the buggy, looking as though she +should faint away if a horse got his tail over a line, then people said +that couple was all right, and there was no danger that they would be on +familiar terms. + +But if they started out with a slow old horse that looked as though all +he wanted was to be left alone, however innocent the party might look, +people knew just as well as though they had seen it, that when they got +out on the road, or when night came on, that fellow's arm would steal +around her waist, and she would snug up to him, and--Oh, pshaw, you have +heard it before. + +Well, late years the livery men have “got onto the racket,” as they say +at the church sociables. They have found that horses that know their +business are in demand, and so horses are trained for this purpose They +are trained on purpose for out door sparking. It is not an uncommon +thing to see a young fellow drive up to the house where his girl lives +with a team that is just tearing things. They prance, and champ the bit, +and the young man seems to pull on them as though his liver was coming +out. The horses will hardly stand still long enough for the girl to get +in, and then they start off and seem to split the air wide open, and +the neighbors say, “Them children will get all smashed up one of these +days.” + +The girl's mother and father see the team start, and their minds +experience a relief as they reflect that “as long as John drives that +frisky team there can't be no hugging a going on.” The girl's older +sister sighs and says, “That's so,” and goes to her room and laughs +right out loud. + +It would be instructive to the scientists to watch that team for a few +miles. The horses fairly foam, before they get out of town, but striking +the country road, the fiery steeds come down to a walk, and they mope +along as though they had always worked on a hearse. The shady woods +are reached, and the carriage scarcely moves, and the horses seem to be +walking in their sleep. The lines are loose on the dash board, and the +left arm of the driver is around the pretty girl, and they are talking +low. It is not necessary to talk loud, as they are so near each other +that the faintest whisper can be heard. + +But a change comes over them. A carriage appears in front, coming +towards them. It may be some one that knows them. The young man picks +up the lines, and the horses are in the air, and as they pass the other +carriage it almost seems as though the team is running away, and the +girl that was in sweet repose a moment before acts as though she wanted +to get out. After passing the intruder the walk and conversation are +continued. + +If you meet the party on the Whitefish Bay road at 10 o'clock at night, +the horses are walking as quietly as oxen, and they never wake up until +coming into town, and then he pulls up the team and drives through town +like a cyclone, and when he drives up to the house the old man is on the +steps, and he thinks John must be awful tired trying to hold that team. +And he is. + +It is thought by some that horses have no intelligence, but a team that +knows enough to take in a sporadic case of buggy sparking has got sense. +These teams come high, but the boys have to have them. + + + + +ADDICTED TO LIMBURG CHEESE. + +During the investigation of Chief Kennedy one witness testified to +something that ought to make it hot for the chief. When men stoop to do +the things that Mr. Chapin testified to, an outraged public sentiment +has got to step in. Mr. Chapin testified--and he is a man whose word +is as good as our note--he said he met Kennedy in a street car, and his +breath smelled of limburg cheese. That is enough. Carry his remains out. + +Any man who will appear in a public place, among folks, with his breath +smelling of limburg cheese, has got his opinion of us. It is simply +damnable. We can see how a man who likes limburg cheese is liable, +though he may have sworn off, to return to the mustard cup, and after +the first taste, fill his skin full of cheese, arguing that one may as +well die for an old sheep as a lamb. + +It is a well known fact, agreed to by all scientists, that a single +mouthful' will tarnish an otherwise virtuous breath as much as a whole +cheese. One mouthful of cheese leads on to another, and we are prepared +to believe that if the chief smelled of cheese at all, he was full of +it. + +Men cannot be too careful of cheese. If a man feels that he is going to +commit the dastardly act of eating limburg cheese, he has time to go out +to a glue factory, or a slaughter house, or the house of correction, or +some other place whose offense is rank. + +The desire to eat cheese does not come upon a man suddenly, like the +desire to take a drink, or stand off a creditor, and he is not taken +possession of by the demon of appetite and pulled to the nearest saloon +by a forty horse power devil, as is the man who has the jim jams. + +The cheese does its work more quietly. It whispers to him about 11 +o'clock a. m., and says there is nothing like cheese. He stands it off, +and again in the afternoon the cheese takes possession of him and leads +him on step by step, by green fields, and yet he does not fall. But +about 9 o'clock p. m. the air seems full of cheese, and he smells it +wherever he goes, and finally, after resisting for ten hours, he goes +and orders a cheese sandwich. + +Now, when the feeling first comes on, and he shuts his eyes and imagines +he sees limburg cheese, if the victim would go and buy a slice and go +away out in the country, by the fertilizer factory, he could eat his +cheese and no one but the workmen in the fertilizer factory could +complain. That is what ought to be done when a man is addicted to +cheese. + +But this chief of police has stood up in the face of public opinion, +eaten limburg cheese with brazen effrontery that would do credit to a +lawyer, and has gone into a public conveyance, breathing pestilence and +cheese. There is no law on our statute books that is adequate to punish +a man who will thus trample upon the usages of society. + +However, the conviction of Kennedy of eating limburg cheese will be the +means of acquitting him of the other charge, that of conversing with a +lewd woman. We doubt if there is a lewd woman, though she be terribly +lewd, who would allow a man to come within several blocks of her who had +been eating that deceased cheese. + +If we were in Kennedy's place we would admit the cheese, and then bring +ten thousand women to swear whether they would remain in the same room +with a man who had been eating that cheese. There are men who _do_ +eat cheese, bad men, the wicked classes, who go into the presence of +females, but that is one thing which causes so many suicides among the +poor fallen girls. When we hear that another naughty but nice looking +girl has been filling her skin full of paregoric and is standing off +a doctor with a stomach pump, we instinctively feel as though some man +with a smell of cheese about his garments had been paying attention to +her, and she had become desperate. + +If they discharge the chief on that cheese testimony it will be a lesson +to all men hereafter. + + + + +TERRIBLE TIME ON THE CARS. + +There is something about the average Chicago young man that gives +him away, and gives away anybody that gets in with him. He is full of +practical jokes, and is a bad egg on general principles. + +Last week Mr. Eppenetus Hoyt, of Fond du Lac, went to Chicago on a +visit. He is a pious gentleman, whose candor would carry conviction +to the mind of the seeker after righteousness, and his presence at the +prayer meeting, at the sociable or the horse-race, is an evidence that +everything will be conducted on the square. + +Mr. Hoyt knew a young man named Johnny Darling, who was attending +Rush Medical College, and through him was permitted to visit the +dissecting-room, and gaze upon the missionary work being done there. Mr. +Hoyt was introduced to a number of the wicked young men who were carving +the late lamented, and after he got accustomed to the climate he rather +enjoyed the performance. + +Whether young Mr. Darling told the boys that Mr. Hoyt was “fresh” or +not, will, perhaps, never be known; but, as Mr. Hoyt passed around among +the slabs where they were at work, each made a contribution from the +“stiff” he was at work upon to Mr. Hoyt's coat pockets unbeknown to him. +While one was calling his attention to a limb that he was dissecting, +another would cut off an ear, or a finger, or a nose, or dig out an eye, +and drop the same into Mr. Hoyt's overcoat pockets. Finally, he bid the +boys good-bye, thanked them for their courtesies in showing him around, +told them if they ever came to Fond du Lac his pew in church was at +their disposal, and he skipped for the train and got on board. + +The seats were all occupied, and a middle aged lady, with a slim face +and spectacles, and evidently an old maid, allowed him to sit beside +her. The car was warm, and it was not long before the “remains” began to +be heard from. He was talking to the lady about the “sweet by-and-by,” + and the hope of a glorious immortality beyond the grave, and of the +inducements held out by the good book to those who try to lead a +different life here on earth, when he smelled something. The lady had +been smelling it for some miles back, and she had got her eye on Mr. +Hoyt, and had put her handkerchief to her nose. He took a long breath +and said to the lady: + +“The air seems sort o' fixed here in this car, does it not?” and he +looked up at the transom. + +“Yes,” said the lady, as she turned pale, and asked him to let her out +of the seat, “it is very much fixed, and I believe _that you are the man +that fixed it!_” and she took her satchel and went to the rear of +the car, where she glared at him as though he was a fat rendering +establishment. + +Mr. Hoyt devoted a few moments to silent prayer, and then his attention +was called to a new married couple, in the seat ahead of him. They had +been having their heads close together, when suddenly the bride said: + +“Hennery, have you been drinking?” + +He vowed by all that was great and glorious that he had not, when she +told him there was something about his breath that reminded her of +strong drink, or a packing-house. + +He allowed that it was not him, but admitted that he had noticed there +was something wrong, though he didn't know but it was some of her teeth +that needed filling. + +They were both mad at the insinuations of the other, and the bride +leaned on the window and cried, while the groom looked the other way, +and acted cross. + +Mr. Hoyt was very much annoyed at the smell. + +The smell remained, and people all around him got up and went to the +forward end of the car, or to the rear, and there were a dozen empty +seats when the conductor came in, and lots of people standing up. The +conductor got one sniff, and said: + +“Whoever has got that piece of limberger cheese in his pocket, will have +to go in the emigrant car!” + +They all looked at Hoyt, and the conductor went up to him and asked him +if he didn't know any bettor than to be carrying around such cheese as +that? + +Hoyt said he hadn't got no cheese. + +The conductor insisted that he had, and told him to turn his pockets +wrong side out. + +Hoyt jabbed his hands into his pockets, and felt something cold and +clammy. He drew his hands out empty, turned pale, and said he didn't +have any cheese. + +The conductor insisted on his feeling again, and he brought to the +surface a couple of human ears, a finger, and a thumb. + +“What in the name of the Apostles have you got there?” says the +conductor. “Do you belong to any canning establishment that sends canned +missionary to the heathen cannibals?” + +Hoyt told the conductor to come in the baggage car, and he would explain +all; and as he passed by the passengers, with both hands full of the +remains, the passengers were ready to lynch Hoyt. He told the conductor +where he had been, and the boys had played it on him, and the fingers +and things were thrown beside the track, where some one will find them +and think a murder has been committed. + +Afterwards Hoyt went into the car and tried to apologize to the old +maid, but she said if he didn't go away from her she would scream. Hoyt +would always rather go away than have a woman scream. + +He is trying to think of some way to get even with the boys of Rush +Medical College. + + + + +CHANGED SATCHELS. + +There was one of those old fashioned mistakes occurred on the train from +Monroe to Janesville a week or so ago. A traveling man and a girl who +was going to Milton College sat in adjoining seats, and their satchels +were exactly alike, and the traveling man took the wrong satchel and got +off at Janesville, and the girl went on to Milton. + +The drummer went down to Vankirk's grocery and put his satchel on the +counter, and asked Van how his liver was getting along, while he picked +a piece off a codfish and ate it, and then smelled of his fingers and +said “Whew!” Van said his liver was “not very torpid, thank you; how are +you fixed for tea?” The drummer said he wished he had as many dollars as +he was fixed for tea, and began to open his sample case. Van cut off +a piece of cheese and was eating it while he walked along towards the +drummer. + +When the case was opened the drummer fell over against a barrel of +brooms, and grasping a keg of maple syrup for support, turned pale and +said he'd be dashed. Van looked in the sample case, and said, “Fixed for +tea! I should think you was, but it wasn't that kind of tea I want.” + +There was a long female night-shirt, clapboarded up in front with +trimming and starch, and buttoned from Genesis to Revelations. Van took +a butter tryer and lifted it out, and there was more than a peck measure +full of stuff that never belonged in no grocery. Van said: “If you are +traveling for a millinery house I will send a boy to direct you to a +millinery store.” + +The drummer wiped the perspiration from his face with a coffee sack and +told Van he would give him a million dollars if he never would let the +house in Milwaukee know about it, and he chucked the things back in. +“What is this?” said Van, as he held up a pair of giddy looking affairs +that no drummer ever wore on his own person. “Don't ask _me_” says the +drummer, “I am not a married man.” + +He took the satchel and went to Milton on the next train. The girl +had opened the satchel which fell to her in the division to show her +room-mate how to make a stitch in crochet, and when the brown sugar, +coffee, tea, rice, bottles of syrup, maccaroni and a pack of cards came +in sight, she fairly squealed. Along after dinner the drummer called and +asked for an exchange, and they exchanged, and it was hard to tell which +blushed the most. + + + + +THE NAUGHTY BUT NICE CHURCH CHOIR. + +You may organize a church choir and think you have got it down fine, and +that every member of it is pious and full of true goodness, and in such +a moment as you think not you will find that one or more of them are +full of the old Harry, and it will break out when you least expect it. +There is no more beautiful sight to the student of nature than a church +choir. To see the members sitting together, demure, devoted and pious +looking, you think that there is never a thought enters their mind that +is not connected with singing anthems, but sometimes you get left. + +There is one church choir in Milwaukee that is about as near perfect +as a choir can be. It has been organized for a long time, and has never +quarreled, and the congregation swears by it. When the choir strikes a +devotional attitude it is enough to make an ordinary christian think +of the angel band above, only the male singers wear whiskers, and the +females wear fashionable clothes. + +You would not think that this choir played tricks on each other during +the sermon, but sometimes they do. The choir is furnished with the +numbers of the hymns that are to be sung, by the minister, and they put +a book mark in the book at the proper place. One morning they all got up +to sing, when the soprano turned pale as an ace of spades dropped out of +her hymn book, the alto nearly fainted when a queen of hearts dropped at +her feet, and the rest of the pack was distributed around in the other +books. They laid it onto the tenor, but he swore, while the minister was +preaching, that he didn't know one card from another. + +One morning last summer, after the tenor had been playing tricks +all Spring on the rest of the choir, the soprano brought a chunk of +shoemaker's wax to church. The tenor was arrayed like Solomon, in all +his glory, with white pants, and a Seymour coat. The tenor got up to see +who the girl was who came in with the old lady, and while he was up the +soprano put the shoemakers' wax on the chair, and the tenor sat down +on it. They all saw it, and they waited for the result. It was an awful +long prayer, and the church was hot, the tenor was no iceberg himself, +and shoemakers' wax melts at ninety-eight degrees Fahrenheit. + +The minister finally got to the amen, and read a hymn, the choir coughed +and all rose up. The chair that the tenor was in stuck to him like a +brother, and came right along and nearly broke his suspenders. It was +the tenor to bat, and as the great organ struck up he pushed the chair +off of his person, looked around to see if he had saved his pants, and +began to sing, and the rest of the choir came near bursting. The tenor +was called out on three strikes by the umpire, and the alto had to sail +in, and while she was singing the tenor began to feel of first base to +see what was the matter. When he got his hand on the shoemaker's warm +wax his heart smote him, and he looked daggers at the soprano, but she +put on a pious look and got her mouth ready to sing “Hold the Fort.” + +Well, the tenor sat down on a white handkerchief before he went home, +and he got home without anybody seeing him, and he has been, as the old +saying is, “laying” for the soprano ever since to get even. + +It is customary in all first-class choirs for the male singers to +furnish candy for the lady singers, and the other day the tenor went +to a candy factory and had a peppermint lozenger made with about half a +teaspoonful of cayenne pepper in the centre of it. On Christmas he took +his lozenger to church and concluded to get even with the soprano if he +died for it. + +Candy had been passed around, and just before the hymn was given out +in which the soprano was to sing a solo, “Nearer My God to Thee,” the +wicked wretch gave her the loaded lozenger. She put it in her mouth and +nibbed off the edges, and was rolling it as a sweet morsel under her +tongue, when the organ struck up and they all arose. While the choir was +skirmishing on the first part of the verse and getting scored up for the +solo, she chewed what was left of the candy and swallowed it. + +Well, if a democratic torch-light procession had marched unbidden down +her throat she couldn't have been any more astonished. She leaned over +to pick up her handkerchief and spit the candy out, but there was enough +pepper left around the selvage of her mouth to have pickled a peck of +chow-chow. + +It was her turn to sing, and as she rose and took the book, her eyes +filled with tears, her voice trembled, her face was as red as a spanked +lobster, and the way she sung that old hymn was a caution. With a sweet +tremulo she sung, “A Charge to Keep I Have,” and the congregation was +almost melted to tears. + +As she stopped, while the organist got in a little work, she turned her +head, opened her mouth and blew out her breath with a “whoosh,” to cool +her mouth. The audience saw her wipe a tear away, but did not hear the +sound of her voice as she “whooshed.” She wiped out some of the pepper +with her handkerchief and sang the other verses with a good deal of +fervor, and the choir sat down, all of the members looking at the +soprano. + +She called for water. The noble tenor went and got it for her, and after +she had drank a couple of quarts, she whispered to him: “Young man, I +will get even with you for that peppermint candy if I have to live a +thousand years, and don't you forget it,” and then they all sat down +and looked pious, while the minister preached a most beautiful sermon +on “Faith.” We expect that tenor will be blowed through the roof some +Sunday morning, and the congregation will wonder what he is in such a +hurry for. + + + + +SENSE IN LITTLE BUGS. + +There is a cockroach that makes his home on our desk that has got more +sense than a delinquent subscriber. He--if it is a he one; we are not +clear as to that--comes out and sits on the side, of the paste-dish, and +draws in a long breath. If the paste is fresh he eats it, and wiggles +his polonaise as much as to thank us, and goes away refreshed. If +the paste is sour, and smells bad, he looks at us with a mournful +expression, and goes away looking as though it was a mighty mean trick +to play on a cockroach, and he runs about as though he was offended. +When a package of wedding cake is placed on the desk he is the first one +to find it out, and he sits and waits till we cut the string, when he +goes into it and walks all over the cake till he strikes the bridal +cake, when he gets onto it, stands on his head and seems to say, “Yum, +yum,” and is tickled as a girl with a fresh beau. + +There is human nature in a cockroach. When a man comes in and sits +around with no business, on our busy day, and asks questions, and stays +and keeps us from working, the cockroach will come out and sit on the +inkstand and look across at the visitor as much as to say: + +“Why don't you go away about your business and leave the poor man alone, +so he can get out some copy, and not keep us all standing around here +doing nothing?” + +But when the paper is out, and there is a look of cheerfulness about +the place, and we are anxious to have friends call, the cockroach flies +around over the papers and welcomes each caller as pleasantly as he can, +and seems to enjoy it. + +One day the paste smelled pretty bad, and we poured about a spoonful of +whisky in it, and stirred it up. The cockroach came out to breakfast, +and we never saw a person that seemed to enjoy the meal any more than +the cockroach did. It seemed as though he couldn't get enough paste. +Pretty soon he put one hand to his head and looked crosseyed. He tried +to climb down off the paste-dish, and fell over himself and turned +a flip-flap on the blotting paper. Then he looked at us in a sort of +mysterious way, winked one eye as much as to say: “You think you are +smart, don't you, old baldy?” + +Then he put one hand to his forehead as if in meditation, and staggered +off into a drawer, coming out presently with his arm around another +cockroach, and he took him to the paste-pot, and _he_ filled up, too, +and then they locked arms and paraded up and down on the green cloth of +the desk, as though singing, “We won't go home till morning,” and they +kicked over the steel pens, and acted a good deal like politicians after +a caucus. + +Finally, some remark was made by one of them that didn't suit, and they +pitched in and had the worst fight that ever was, after which one rushed +off as if after a policeman, and the other, staggered into his hole, and +we saw no more of our cockroach till the next morning, when he came +out with one hand on his head and the other on his stomach, and after +smelling of the paste and looking sick, he walked off to a bottle of +seltzer water and crawled up to the cork and looked around with an +expression so human that we uncorked the bottle and let him in, and he +drank as though he had been eating codfish. Since that day he looks at +us a little suspicious, and when the paste smells a little peculiar he +goes and gets another cockroach to eat some of it first, and he watches +the effect. + +Now, you wouldn't believe it, but that cockroach can tell, the minute he +sees a man, whether the man has come in with a bill, or has come in to +pay money. We don't know how he does it, but when a man has a bill the +cockroach begins to look solemn and mournful, and puts his hands to his +eyes as though weeping. If a man comes in to pay money, the cockroach +looks glad, a smile plays around his mouth, and he acts kitteny. He acts +the most human when ladies come into the office. If a book agent comes +in, he makes no attempt to show his disgust. + +One day an old person came in with a life of Garfield and laid it on +the table, opened to the picture of the candidate, and left it. The +cockroach walked through the violet ink and got his feet all covered, +and then he walked all over that book, and left his mark. The woman saw +the tracks, and thought we had signed our name, and she said she was +sorry we had written our signature there, because she had another book +for subscribers' names. + +When a handsome lady comes in, the cockroach is in his element, and +there is a good deal of proud flesh about him. He puts his thumbs in the +arm-holes of his vest and walks around. + +One day we put our face up to a deaf young lady to speak to her, and the +cockroach looked straight the other way, and seemed to be looking over +an old copy of the _Christian Statesman_; but when he found we only +yelled at the lady, he winked as much as to say: + +“Well, how did I know?” + +O, that cockroach is a thoroughbred! + + + + +SUMMER RESORTING. + +The other day a business man who has one of the nicest houses in the +nicest ward in the city, and who has horses and carriages in plenty, and +who usually looks as clean as though just out of a band box and as happy +as a schoolma'am at a vacation picnic, got on a street car near the +depot, a picture of a total wreck. He had on a long linen duster, the +collar tucked down under the neck band of his shirt, which had no collar +on, his cuffs were sticking out of his coat pocket, his eyes looked +heavy, and where the dirt had come off with the perspiration he looked +pale, and he was cross as a bear. + +A friend who was on the car, on the way up town, after a day's work, +with a clean shirt on, a white vest and a general look of coolness, +accosted the traveler as follows: + +“Been summer resorting, I hear?” + +The dirty-looking man crossed his legs with a painful effort, as though +his drawers stuck to his legs and almost peeled the bark off, and +answered: + +“Yes, I have been out two weeks. I have struck ten different hotels, and +if you ever hear of my leaving town again during the hot weather, you +can take my head for a soft thing,” and he wiped a cinder out of his eye +with what was once a clean handkerchief. + +“Had a good, cool time, I suppose, and enjoyed yourself,” said the man +who had not been out of town. + +“Cool time, hell,” said the man, who has a pew in two churches, as he +kicked his limp satchel of dirty clothes under the car seat. “I had +rather been sentenced to the house of correction for a month.” + +“Why, what's the trouble?” + +“Well, there is no trouble, for people who like that kind of fun, but +this lets me out. I do not blame people who live in Southern States for +coming North, because they enjoy things as a luxury that we who live in +Wisconsin have as a regular diet, but for a Chicago or Milwaukee man to +go into the country to swelter and be kept awake nights is bald lunacy. +Why, since I have been out I have slept in a room a size smaller than +the closet my wife keeps her linen in, with one window that brought in +air from a laundry, and I slept on a cot that shut up like a jack-knife +and always caught me in the hinge where it hurt. + +“At another hotel I had a broken-handled pitcher of water that had been +used to rinse clothes in, and I can show you the indigo on my neck. I +had a piece of soap that smelled like a tannery, and if the towel was +not a recent damp diaper then I have never raised six children. + +“At one hotel I was the first man at the table, and two families came in +and were waited on before the Senegambian would look at me, and after +an hour and thirty minutes I got a chance to order some roast beef and +baked potatoes, but the perspiring, thick-headed pirate brought me some +boiled mutton and potatoes that looked as though they had been put in a +wash-tub and mashed by treading on them barefooted. I paid twenty-five +cents for a lemonade made of water and vinegar, with a piece of +something on top that might be lemon peel, and it might be pumpkin rind. + +“The only night's rest I got was one night when I slept in a car seat. +At the hotel the regular guests were kept awake till 12 o'clock by +number six headed boys and girls dancing until midnight to the music of +a professional piano boxer, and then for two hours the young folks sat +on the stair? and yelled and laughed, and after that the girls went to +bed and talked two hours more, while the boys went and got drunk and +sang 'Allegezan and Kalamazoo.' + +“Why, at one place I was woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning by what I +thought was a chariot race in the hall outside, but it was only a lot +of young bloods rolling ten pins down by the rooms, using empty wine +bottles for pins and China cuspidores for balls. I would have gone +out and shot enough drunken galoots for a mess, only I was afraid a +cuspidore would carom on my jaw. Talk about rest, I would rather go to a +boiler factory. + +“Say, I don't know as you would believe it, but at one place I sent some +shirts and things to be washed, and they sent to my room a lot of female +underclothes, and when I kicked about it to the landlord he said I would +have to wear them, as they had no time to rectify mistakes. He said the +season was short and they had to get in their work, and he charged me +Fifth Avenue Hotel prices with a face that was child-like and bland, +when he knew I had been wiping on diapers for two days in place of +towels. + +“But I must get off here and see if I can find water enough to bathe all +over. I will see you down town after I bury these clothes.” + +And the sticky, cross man got off swearing at summer hotels and pirates. +We don't see where he could have been traveling. + + + + +THE GOSPEL CAR. + +Because there are cars for the luxurious, and smoking cars for those +who delight in tobacco, some of the religious people of Connecticut are +petitioning the railway companies to fit up “Gospel cars.” Instead +of the card tables they want an organ and piano, they want the seats +arranged facing the centre of the car, so they can have a full view of +whoever may conduct the services; instead of spittoons they will have +a carpet, and instead of cards they want Bibles and Gospel +song-books.--_Chicago News_. + +There is an idea for you. Let some railroad company fit up a Gospel car +according to the above prescription, and run it, and the porter on that +car would be the most lonesome individual on the train. The Gospel hymn +books would in a year appear as new as do now the Bibles that are put up +in all cars. Of the millions of people who ride in the trains, many of +them pious Christians, who has ever seen a man or woman take a Bible +off the iron rack and read it a single minute? And yet you can often see +ministers and other professing Christians in the smoking car, puffing a +cigar and reading a daily paper. + +Why, it is all they can do to get a congregation in a church on Sunday; +and does any one suppose that when men and women are traveling for +business or pleasure--and they do not travel for anything else--that +they are going into a “Gospel car” to listen to some sky pirate who has +been picked up for the purpose, talk about the prospects of landing the +cargo in heaven? + +Not much! + +The women are too much engaged looking after their baggage, and keeping +the cinders out of their eyes, and keeping the children's heads out of +the window, and keeping their fingers from being jammed, to look out for +their immortal souls. And the men are too much absorbed in the object of +their trip to listen to gospel truths. They are thinking about whether +they will be able to get a room at the hotel, or whether they will have +to sleep on a cot. + +Nobody can sing gospel songs on a car, with their throats full of +cinders, and their eyes full of dust, and the chances are if anybody +should strike up, “A charge to keep I have,” some pious sinner who was +trying to take a nap in the corner of the gospel car would say: + +“O, go and hire a hall!” + +It would be necessary to make an extra charge of half a dollar to those +who occupied the gospel car, the same as is charged on the parlor car, +and you wouldn't get two persons on an average train full that would put +up a nickel. + +Why, we know a Wisconsin Christian, worth a million dollars, who, when +he comes up from Chicago to the place where he lives, hangs up his +overcoat in the parlor car, and then goes into the forward car and rides +till the whistle blows for his town, when he goes in and gets his coat +and never says thirty-five cents to the conductor, or ten cents to the +porter. Do you think a gospel car would catch him for half a dollar? He +would see you in Hades first. + +The best way is to take a little eighteen carat religion along into the +smoking car, or any other car you may happen to be in. + +A man--as we understand religion from those who have had it--does not +have to howl to the accompaniment of an asthmatic organ, pumped by a +female with a cinder in her eye and smut on her nose, in order to enjoy +religion, and he does not have to be in the exclusive company of other +pious people to get the worth of his money. There is a great deal of +religion in sitting in a smoking car, smoking dog-leg tobacco in +a briar-wood pipe, and seeing happy faces in the smoke that curls +up--faces of those you have made happy by kind words, good deeds, or +half a dollar put where it will drive away hunger, instead of paying it +out for a reserved seat in a gospel car. Take the half dollar you would +pay for a seat in a gospel car and go into the smoker, and find some +poor emigrant that is going west to grow up with the country, after +having been beaten out of his money at Castle Garden, and give it to +him, and see if the look of thankfulness and joy does not make you feel +better than to listen to a discussion in the gospel car, as to whether +the children of Israel went through the Red Sea with life-preservers, or +wore rubber hunting boots. + +Take your gospel-car half dollar and buy a vegetable ivory rattle of the +train boy, and give it to the sick emigrant mother's pale baby, and +you make four persons happy--the baby, the mother, the train boy and +yourself. + +We know a man who gave a dollar to a prisoner on the way to State +prison, to buy tobacco with, who has enjoyed more good square religion +over it than he could get out of all the chin music and saw-filing +singing he could hear in a gospel car in ten years. The prisoner was a +bad man from Oshkosh, who was in a caboose in charge of the sheriff, +on the way to Waupun. The attention of the citizen was called to +the prisoner by his repulsive appearance, and his general +don't-care-a-damative appearance. The citizen asked the prisoner how he +was fixed for money to buy tobacco in prison. He said he hadn't a cent, +and he knew it would be the worst punishment he could have to go without +tobacco. The citizen gave him the dollar and said: + +“Now, every time you take a chew of tobacco in prison, just make up your +mind to be square when you get out.” + +The prisoner reached out his hand-cuffed hands to take the dollar, the +hands trembling so that the chains rattled, and a great tear as big as +a shirt-button appeared in one eye--the other eye had been gouged out +while “having some fun with the boys” at Oshkosh--and his lips trembled +as he said: + +“So help me God, I will!” + +That man has been boss of a gang of hands in the pinery for two winters, +and has a farm paid for on the Central Railroad, and is “squar.” + +That is the kind of practical religion a worldly man can occasionally +practice without having a gospel car. + + + + +INCIDENTS AT THE NEWHALL HOUSE FIRE. + +There were a great many ludicrous scenes about the Newhall House during +the fire of last Saturday morning. When people were notified that there +was a fire in the house, but that the danger was not great, though it +was thought best to give them all plenty of time to prepare for the +worst, many jumped right out of bed and started down stairs. + +When we arrived on the scene, our first inquiry was for the safety of +the lady members of the Rice Surprise Party, the young women who had +been cutting up on the stage all the week with so little apparel. We did +not expect to find them in a greater state of barefootedness than they +were when we saw them last, but in some instances they were. + +We were kindly yet firmly informed by Mr. Rankin that the ladies had +been rescued. It seemed that everybody wanted to save the girls. Mr. +Rankin knew this, and knew that if the young and thoughtless gentlemen +were allowed to rescue the girls it would cause remark. He said he was +an old line democrat, and that his days of kittenhood were over, and +that it was proper that he should superintend the removal of the girls. + +Mr. McKittrick, the conductor, argued the matter with him. He said he +had been running a train a good many years, and had seen all phases of +humanity, and that he was inured to a life of hardship, and had seen +many sad sights, in the sleeping cars, and he insisted that he be +allowed to superintend the removal of the girls. + +The discussion became warm, and finally they compromised by agreeing +that McKittrick should rush into the rooms and drag them out of the fire +and smoke and hand them to Mr. Rankin at the foot of the first pair of +stairs, who would dispose of them in safety. They both agreed that the +first outside vandal who laid a hand on them should die. + +The first trouble they had was with Prof. Haskins. + +He came out of his room with nothing on but his glasses, an ascension +robe and one boot. He rushed through the hall, and while in front of the +room of the girl who wore the black tights with the crochet work on +the limbs he ventured a joke. He is the telegraph manager and he said, +“There is a line down here,” as a two inch stream struck him about the +alleged pistol pocket. The girl, who was tying her wardrobe up in a +napkin, heard him and said, “There is no _lying down_ here, not much.” + Prof. Haskins was shocked that any female should thus mistake him for a +democrat, and falling over a zinc trunk head first, he went back to his +room to send his son Harry out to help. + +Mr. McKittrick rushed into a room and grabbed a corset in his arms and +handed it down stairs to Rankin There is no person who can fool Rankin. +He didn't want to be rescued. + +Just at this point a girl with a waterproof on came along the hall and +Mr. Cole asked her if she didn't want to be rescued. She said she had +been carried down stairs six times already by a big granger, and she +would shoot the next man that attempted to rescue ner. She said there +was no danger, and wanted to know why the big galoots did not go and +help put the fire out. + +On inquiry it was found that the girl had been carried down stairs six +times and left on the sidewalk. She described the man who carried her +out, and said he was excited, and no sooner would she get up stairs than +he would grab her and carry her down again, until she was almost froze. +He told her the last time that he had saved six girls from a fiery +grave. + + + + +THE WAY WOMEN BOSS A PILLOW. + +Among the recent inventions is a pillow holder. It is explained that the +pillow holder is for the purpose of holding a pillow while the case is +being put on. We trust this new invention will not come into general +use, as there is no sight more beautiful to the eyes of man than to +see a woman hold a pillow in her teeth while she gently manipulates the +pillow case over it. + +We do not say that a woman is beautiful with her mouth full of pillows. +No one can ever accuse us of saying that, but there is something +home-like and old-fashioned about it that can not be replaced by any +invention. + +We know that certain over-fastidious women have long clamored for some +new method of putting on a pillow case, but these people have either +lost their teeth, or the new ones do not grasp the situation. They +have tried several new methods, such as blowing the pillow case up, and +trying to get the pillow in before the wind got out, and they have tried +to get the pillow in by rolling up the pillow case until the bottom is +reached, and then placing 'the pillow on end and gently unrolling the +pillow case, but all these schemes have their drawbacks. + +The old style of chewing one end of the pillow, and holding it the way +a retriever dog holds a duck, till the pillow case is on, and then +spanking the pillow a couple of times on each side, is the best, and it +gives the woman's jaws about the only rest they get during the day. + +If any invention drives this old custom away from us, and we no more +see the matrons of our land with their hair full of feathers and their +mouths full of striped bed-ticking, we shall feel that one of the +dearest of our institutions has been ruthlessly torn from us, and the +fabric of our national supremacy has received a sad blow, and that our +liberties are in danger. + + + + +THE DEADLY PAPER BAG + +There is a woman on the West Side who has learned a lesson that will +last her a lifetime. She has been for years wearing these paper bags, +such as the green grocers use, for bustles. The paper is stiff, and +sticks out splendid, and makes the dress look well. Last Sunday morning +while she was dressing, her young son got in the room and blew the paper +bag full of wind and tied a string around the mouth of it, and left it +in a chair. The good lady took it and tied it on and dressed herself for +church. She bribed her husband to go to church with her, though he is a +sort of Bob Ingersoll christian. + +As they went down the aisle the minister was reading a hymn about +“Sounding the Loud Hosan-na,” and the lady went into the pew first, and +sat down while her husband was putting his hat on the floor. There was +a report like distant thunder. You have heard how those confounded paper +bags explode when boys blow them up, and crush them between their hands. + +Well, it was worse than that, and everybody looked at the innocent +husband, who was standing there a perfect picture of astonishment. He +looked at his wife as much as to say: “Now, this is the last time you +will catch me in church, if you are going to play any of your tricks on +me. You think you can scare me into getting religion?” + +The minister stopped reading the hymn and looked over his spectacles +at the new comers as though it would not surprise him if that bad man +should blow the church up. The poor lady blushed and looked around as +much as to say, “I did not know it was loaded,” and she looked the hymn +book through for the hymn, and as the choir rose to sing she offered one +side of the book to her husband, but he looked mad and pious, and stood +at the other end of the pew and looked out of the stained glass window. + +After the service they started home together, and as they turned the +first corner he said to his wife, “Well, you played hell on your watch, +didn't you?” She told him there was no such thing as hell in the Bible +now, but that she would make that boy think there had been no revision +of the Bible that left hell out, when she got home. We only get the +story from the husband. + +He said he didn't know what it was that made the noise until they got +home, and after a little skirmishing around his wife held up a bursted +paper bag, and asked the boy if he blew that bag up. He said he did, +but he did not know there was anything wrong about it. The boy and his +mother and a press board paid a visit to the back kitchen, and there was +a sound of revelry. Boys will be boys. + + + + +THE VIRGINIA DUEL. + +The proposed duel between Senator Mahone and Jubal Early did not come +off, for reasons that have not been made public. It is well known +that Mahone is the thinnest man in Virginia. We do not allude to his +politics, or his ability, in speaking of his being thin, but to his +frame. He does not make a shadow. He could hide behind a wire fence. +Gen. Early, after challenging Mahone, went to practicing at a piece of +white wire clothes line, hung to the limb of a tree, but he could not +hit it, and he felt that all the advantage would be on Mr. Mahone's +side, so he asked Mahone to do the only thing in his power that would +make the thing even, and that was to eat a quantity of dried apples +the day before the duel, in order to swell his stomach out so that a +gentleman could stand some show of hitting him. + +Gen. Early pledged himself, on the honor of a Virginia gentleman, that +he would not shoot at Mahone's stomach, but would aim at it, and then +make a line shot either above or below. + +Mahone replied that, while he appreciated the advantage he had over his +opponent, and was willing to do anything reasonable to make the +thing even, he could not consistently eat dried apples, as they would +certainly kill him. He was willing to take his chances on the bullets +of his opponent, because statistics showed that dueling was the most +healthy business a man could engage in; and he pointed to the number +of duellists that were now living at a ripe old age, who had fought +hundreds of duels and never received a scratch or scratched an opponent, +but on the other hand he could produce proof to show that many people +had been injured, if not killed, by an over-indulgence in dried apples. + +Mr. Mahone said he thought it was late in the day for him to produce any +proof as to his own bravery, but in the face of the fact that he would +be pointed at as one who had not sand, he should have to decline to eat +dried apples in order to make himself a target. + +Gen. Early said he appreciated the delicacy of his honorable and +high-toned opponent, and respected his feelings, and would not insist +on the dried apple act, but that he would go into training to reduce +himself in flesh to the size of Mahone, and hoped that the affair might +be declared off until he could diet himself. He said he should at once +begin a course of treatment to reduce his flesh, by boarding at a summer +resort hotel that he had heard of, where the desired effect might be +produced. + +So the duel is postponed for the present. Both Mahone and Early are +high-toned gentlemen, and they will do nothing rash. + + + + +THE DIFFERENCE. + +One of the great female writers on dress reform, in trying to illustrate +how terrible the female dress is, says: + +“Take a man and pin three or four table-cloths about him, fastened back +with elastic and looped up with ribbons, draw all his hair to the middle +of his head and tie it tight, and hairpin on five pounds of other hair +and a big bow of ribbon. Keep the front locks on pins all night, and let +them tickle his eyes all day, pinch his waist into a corset, and give +him gloves a size too small and shoes the same, and a hat that will not +stay on without torturing elastic, and a little lace veil to blind his +eyes whenever he goes out to walk, and he will know what a woman's dress +is.” + +Now you think you have done it, don't you, sis? Why, bless you, that +toggery would be heaven compared to what a man has to contend with. Take +a woman and put a pair of men's four-shilling drawers on her that are so +tight that when they get damp, from perspiration, sis; they stick so you +can't cross your legs without an abrasion of the skin, the buckle in +the back turning a somersault and sticking its points into your spinal +menengitis; put on an undershirt that draws across the chest so you feel +as though you must cut a hole in it, or two, and which is so short that +it works up under your arms, and allows the starched upper shirt to sand +paper around and file off the skin until you wish it was night, the tail +of which will not stay tucked more than half a block, though you tuck, +and tuck, and tuck; and then fasten a collar made of sheet zinc, two +sizes too small for you, around your neck; put on vest and coat, and +liver pad and lung pad and stomach pad, and a porous plaster, and a +chemise shirt between the two others, and rub on some liniment, and put +a bunch of keys and a jack-knife and a button-hook and a pocket-book and +a pistol and a plug of tobacco in your pockets, so they will chafe your +person, and then go and drink a few whisky cocktails, and walk around +in the sun with tight boots on, sis, and then you will know what a man's +dress is. + +Come to figure it up, it is about an even thing, sis,--isn't it? + + + + +SPURIOUS TRIPE. + +Another thing that is being largely counterfeited is tripe. Parties who +buy tripe cannot be too careful. There is a manufactory that can make +tripe so natural that no person on earth can detect the deception. They +take a large sheet of rubber about a sixteenth of an inch thick for a +background, and by a process only known to themselves veneer it with +a Turkish towel, and put it in brine to soak. The unsuspecting +boarding-house keeper, or restaurant man, buys it and cooks it, and +the boarder or transient guest calls for tripe. A piece is cut off the +damnable tripe with a pair of shears used in a tin shop for cutting +sheet iron, and it is handed to the victim. He tries to cut it, +and fails; he tries to gnaw it off, and if he succeeds in getting a +mouthful, that settles him. He leaves his tripe on his plate, and it +is gathered up and sewed on the original piece, and is kept for another +banquet. + +The tripe is expensive, owing to the royalty that has to be paid to the +rubber company, and often the boarder succeeds in eating off some of the +towel, so it has to be veneered over again; but take it the year round, +and the tripe pays its way in a boarding-house. + + + + +A CASE OF PARALYSIS. + +About as mean a trick as we ever heard of was perpetrated by a doctor at +Hudson last Sunday. The victim was a justice of the peace named Evans. +Mr. Evans is a man who has the alfiredest biggest feet east of St. Paul, +and when he gets a new pair of shoes it is an event that has its effect +on the leather market. + +Last winter he advertised for sealed proposals to erect a pair of +shoes for him, and when the bids were opened it was found that a local +architect in leather had secured the contract, and after mortgaging his +house to a Milwaukee tannery, and borrowing some money on his diamonds +of his “uncle,” John Comstock, who keeps a pawnbrokery there, he broke +ground for the shoes. + +Owing to the snow blockade and the freshets, and the trouble to get +hands who would work on the dome, there were several delays, and Judge +Evans was at one time inclined to cancel the contract, and put some +strings in box cars and wear them in place of shoes, but sympathy for +the contractor, who had his little awl invested in the material and +labor, induced him to put up with the delay. + +On Saturday the shoes were completed, all except laying the floor and +putting on a couple of bay windows for corns, and conservatories for +bunions, and the judge concluded to wear them on Sunday. He put them on, +but got the right one on the left foot, and the left one on the right +foot. As he walked down town the right foot was continually getting on +the left side, and he stumbled over himself, and he felt pains in his +feet. The judge was frightened in a minute. He is afraid of paralysis, +all the boys know it, and when he told a wicked republican named Spencer +how his feet felt, that degraded man told the judge that it was one of +the surest symptoms of paralysis in the world, and advised him to hunt a +doctor. + +The judge pranced off, interfering at every step, skinning his shins, +and found Dr. Hoyt. The doctor is one of the worst men in the world, and +when he saw how the shoes were put on he told the judge that his case +was hopeless unless something was done immediately. The judge turned +pale, the sweat poured out of him, and taking out his purse he gave the +doctor five dollars and asked him what he should do. The doctor felt his +pulse, looked at his tongue, listened at his heart, shook his head, and +then told the judge that he would be a dead man in less than sixty years +if he didn't change his shoes. + +The judge looked down at the vast expanse of leather, both sections +pointing inwardly, and said, “Well, dam a fool,” and “changed cars” at +the junction. As he got them on the right feet, and hired a raftsman to +tie them up for him, he said he would get even with the doctor if he had +to catch the smallpox. O, we suppose they have more fun in some of these +country towns than you can shake a stick at. + + + + +MALE AND FEMALE MASHING. + +There has been a great deal of talk in the papers about arresting +“mashers,” that is, young men who stand on the corners and pulverize +women, and a great many good people got the idea that it was unsafe to +travel the streets. This is not the case. A woman might travel all +day and half the night and not be insulted. Of course, once in a great +while, a woman will be insulted by a man, the same as a man will be by a +woman. + +No woman, unless she throws out one eye, kind of cunning, is in danger +of having a male man throw out his other eye the same way. There has got +to be two parties to a mashing match, and one must be a woman. Too many +women act sort of queer just for fun, and the poor male man gets to +acting improper before he realizes the enormity of the crime, and then +it is everlastingly too late. + +But a female masher, one who is thoroughly bad, like the male loafers +that have been driven from the corners, is a terror. She will insult a +respectable man and laugh at his blushes. One of them was arrested the +other day for playing her act on a policeman who was disguised as a +respectable granger from Stevens Point. These female mashers are a +tornado. + +Why, one of them met a respectable church member the other night, +and asked him how his liver complaint was. He was a man who had +been troubled with the liver complaint, and supposing she was some +acquaintance, he stopped on the corner and talked with the pullet for +about ten minutes, explaining to her the course of treatment he had used +to cure him, and dozens of people passing by that knew him, and knew +that she was clear off. + +Finally she asked him if he wouldn't take her to a restaurant and buy +her a spring chicken and a small bottle. He told her if she would come +up to his house she should have a hen, and there were lots of bottles, +both large and small, that she was welcome to. She told him to go to +Hades, and he went in a drug store and asked a clerk who that lady was +he had been talking with, and when the clerk, who knew her, told him she +was a road agent, a street walker, a female masher, the old man had to +sit down on a box of drugs and fan himself with his hat. + +We mention this to show that ladies are not the only portion of the +population that is liable to be accosted and insulted. The other night +a respectable merchant was going to the opera with a friend from the +country, when a couple of sirens met them and one said to the other, +“Look at his nibs,” and she locked arms with him and asked him if he was +not her own darling. He said his name was not “Nibs,” and he would have +to look at his memorandum book before he could tell whether he was her +darling or not, but from the smell of gin about her person he would +blush to extemporize. + +We do not give his exact language, but in the heat of debate he shook +her and told her if she ever clawed on him again he would everlastingly +go and tell her parents. And while he was talking with her the other one +had seated herself beside his country friend on a salt barrel in front +of a grocery and was feeling in his vest pocket to see if he had any +cloves. + +A female masher is much worse than a male masher as you can imagine. +Who ever heard of a male masher feeling in an unprotected female's vest +pocket for cloves? O, the men are simply unprotected, and at the mercy +of wicked, designing women, and the police ought to protect them. + + + + +THE USES OF THE PAPER BAG. + +A First Ward man was told by his wife to bring home a quart of oysters +on New Year's night, to fry for supper. He drank a few prescriptions of +egg nog, and then took a paper bag full of selects and started for home. +He stopped at two or three saloons, and the bag began to melt, and when +he left the last saloon the bottom fell out of the bag and the oysters +were on the sidewalk. + +We will leave the man there, gazing upon the wreck, and take the reader +to the residence where he is expected. + +A red-faced woman is putting the finishing touches to the supper table, +and wondering why her husband does not come with the oysters. Presently +a noise as of a lead pencil in the key-hole salutes her ear, and she +goes to the door and opens it, and finds him taking the pencil out of +the key-hole. Not seeing any oysters, she asks him if he has forgotten +the oysters. + +“Forgot noth(hic)ing,” says he. + +He walks up to the table and asks for a plate, which is given him by the +unsuspicious wife. + +“Damsaccident you ever(hic)see,” said the truly good man, as he brought +his hand out of his overcoat pocket, with four oysters, a little smoking +tobacco, and a piece of cigar-stub. + +“Slipperysoystersev (hic)er was,” said he, as he run his hands down in +the other pocket, bringing up five oysters, a piece of envelope, and a +piece of wire that was used as a bail to the pail. + +“Got all my pock(hic)ets full,” said he, as he took a large oyster out +of his vest pocket. Then he began to go down in his pants pocket, and +finding a hole in it, he said: + +“Six big oys(hic)ters gone down my trousers leg. S'posi'll find them in +my boot,” and he sat down to pull off his boot, when the lady took the +plate of oysters and other stuff into the kitchen and threw them in the +swill, and then she put him to bed, and all the time he was trying +to tell her how the bag busted just as he was in front of All Saints +Ca(hic)thedral. + + +***** + + +Three distinct charges of heresy will be made against Rev. Dr. Thomas, +of Chicago, at the trial next month. The amount of heresy that is going +on in this country, and particularly among ministers, is truly alarming. +The names of his partners in guilt are not mentioned, probably out +of respect for their families. A minister that goes around practicing +heresy ought to be watched, and when caught at it he should be bounced. +There is no excuse for _heresy_, though a minister will occasionally +meet a mighty attractive _her_, but he should say: “Git thee foreninst +me, Susan, and when I have a convenient season I will send the police +after thee.” + + +***** + + +There should be an amendment to the constitution of the United States +making it lawful for an ex-President to walk on grass. We have no great +admiration for Hayes, but when we read that at Cleveland he was ordered +off the grass by a thirteen dollar a month soldier, and had to shin +it-over a fence real spry to save the shoulder of his pants from assault +by a cheap bayonet, it makes us feel ashamed, and we blush for America. +The spectacle of a man who has occupied the White House, and been the +chief attraction of county fairs, being compelled to put his stomach on +a fence, and flop over, heels over appetite, like a boy playing tag, to +keep from being jabbed in a vital part, makes us sick. + + + + +THE NEW COAL STOVE. + +We never had a coal stove around the house until last Saturday. Have +always used pine slabs and pieces of our neighbor's fence. They burn +well, too, but the fence got all burned up, and the neighbor said he +wouldn't build a new one, so we went down to Jones' and got a coal +stove. + +You see, we didn't know anything about coal stoves. We filled the stove +about half full of pine fence, and, when the stuff got well to going, we +filled the artesian well on the top with coal. It simmered and sputtered +about five or ten minutes, and all went out, and we put on an overcoat +and a pair of buckskin mittens and “went out too”--to supper. We +remarked, in the course of the frugal meal, that Jones was a “froad” for +recommending such a confounded refrigerator to a man to get warm by. + +After supper we took a piece of ice and rubbed our hands warm, and went +in where that stove was, resolved to make her draw and burn if it took +all the pine fence in the First Ward. Our better-half threw a quilt +over her, and shiveringly remarked that she never knew what real solid +comfort was until she got a coal stove. + +Stung by the sarcasm in her remark, we turned every dingus on the stove +that was movable, or looked like it had anything to do with the draft, +and pretty soon the stove began to heave up heat. It was not long before +she stuttered like the new Silsby steamer. Talk about your heat! In +ten minutes that room was as much worse than a Turkish bath as Hades is +hotter than Liverman's ice-house. The perspiration fairly fried out of +a tin water cooler in the next room. We opened the doors, and snow began +to melt as far up Vine street as Hanscombe's house, and people all +round the neighborhood put on linen clothes. And we couldn't stop the +confounded thing. + +We forgot what Jones told us about the dampers, and she kept a biling. +The only thing we could do was to go to bed, and leave the thing to burn +the house up if it wanted to. We stood off with a pole and turned the +damper every way, and at every turn she just sent out heat enough to +roast an ox. We went to bed, supposing that the coal would eventually +burn out, but about 12 o'clock the whole family had to get up and sit on +the fence. + +Finally a man came along who had been brought up among coal stoves, and +he put a wet blanket over him and crept up to the stove and turned the +proper dingus, and she cooled off, and since that time has been just as +comfortable as possible. If you buy a coal stove you want to learn how +to engineer it, or you may get roasted. + + + + +A COLD, CHEERLESS RIDE. + +Probably the most cold-blooded affair that ever occurred took place at +a certain summer resort a couple of weeks ago. There was going to be +a picnic, and a young man and the girl he was engaged to be married to +started in a row-boat to cross the lake, taking an ice cream freezer +full of frozen ice cream for the picnic. Just before arriving at the +picnic the boat capsized. The boat was bottom side up, and the young man +helped the girl on to the ice cream freezer, and he got on the boat, and +after floating for half an hour they were rescued. + +The girl did not complain at the time she was put on the freezer, as she +was glad enough to get on anything that would float, but after they got +ashore, and she had a chance to reflect on the matter, and talk with the +other girls, she concluded that his getting on the boat, which was nice +and warm, and putting her aboard the ice cream freezer, which was so +cold and cheerless, was a breach of etiquette that would stamp any man +as being a selfish, heartless villain, and she refuses to speak to him, +and has declared the engagement off. + +He is very much mortified over the affair, and tries to explain that he +was more accustomed to a boat than she was, while he reasoned that she +would naturally be more familiar with an ice cream freezer. It certainly +looks to us to have been a cold-blooded transaction, and while the young +man might have been rattled, and powerless to grasp the situation as he +would if he had it to do over again, the girl is certainly justified in +being indignant. + +An ice cream freezer is a cold and cheerless companion even when empty, +but filled with congealed cream and pounded ice, and in water, it cannot +but have been an Arctic exploration on a small scale. Besides the ice, +it is a notorious fact that ice cream freezers are made of zinc, the +coldest metal in the world, if we bar women's feet. + +“Sheridan's Ride” has been spoken of in poetry and in song, but it pales +into insignificance by the side of this girl's ride on the ice cream +freezer. If the young man had exhibited foresight, and had a side saddle +buckled on to the ice cream freezer, the experience would have been +robbed of much of its frigidity, or if there had been a thick blanket +under the saddle, but he failed to take even that precaution. + +As it is we do not blame the girl for breaking off the engagement. In +addition, we think any court would decide that he should pay for the +ginger tea and cough lozenges that she had to take to cure her cold. + + + + +SOME TALK ABOUT MONOPOLIES. + +We know it is fashionable for people to talk about the great monopolies, +the railroads, and show how they are sapping the life-blood from the +farmers by arranging facilities for transporting wheat worth forty cents +a bushel in store pay, without railroads, to a market where the farmer +realizes nearly a dollar a bushel in cash. + +Demagogues ring the changes on these monopolies, tell how the directors +ride in palace cars and drink wine, from the proceeds of the millions of +dollars invested in railroads, though they never mention the fact that +the railroads have made it possible for farmers to give up driving ox +teams and ride after horses that can trot in 2:40. + +We presume that railroad managers like to get a pretty good dividend on +their investments, but do they get a better dividend than farmers do +on some of their investments? Do you know of any farmer that ever +complained that his produce was selling too high? If you complain +at paying eight dollars for a jag of crow's nest wood during a snow +blockade, does he argue with, you, to show that he is a monopoly, or +does he tell you that if you don't want the wood you needn't have it? + +Now, talking of railroad men manipulating stock, and taking advantage of +a raise, how is it about eggs? Within the last two months there has been +the worst corner on eggs that the world has ever seen, and the dividends +that farmers have received on their investments have been so enormous +that they must blush for shame, unless they are a soulless corporation. + +Now, for instance, a farmer paid twenty-five cents for a good average +hen the 1st of December. Before the 1st of February that hen has laid +five dozen eggs, which are worth two dollars and a half. Take out five +cents for feed, two cents for the society that the hen has enjoyed, and +there is a clear profit of two dollars and forty-three cents, and +the farmer has got the hen left. Did any railroad wrecker ever make a +greater percentage than that? Talk about watering stock, is it any worse +than feeding a hen, to make her lay four-shilling eggs? + +We have it from good authority that some farmers have actually gone so +far as to bribe legislators with eggs, to prevent their passing any law +fixing a rate for the sale of eggs. This is a serious charge, and we do +not vouch for it. It is probable that farmers who are sharp enough to +get a corner on eggs, by which they can be run up to a fictitious value, +are sharp enough not to lay themselves liable for bribery by giving eggs +directly to the members, but there are ways to avoid that. They can send +them to the residences of the members, where they are worth their weight +in gold almost. + +Rich railroad owners have submitted to this soulless monopoly of the egg +business as long as they can, and we learn that they have organized a +state grange, with grips and passwords, and will institute subordinate +lodges all over the State to try and break up this vile business that is +sapping their life-blood. + +Already a bill has been prepared for introduction into the legislature +to prohibit any manipulation of the egg market in the future. “Shall the +farmers of the State be allowed to combine with hens and roosters and +create a famine in eggs, an article of food on which so many people rely +to keep soul and body together?” they ask. + +Our heart has bled, in the last sixty days, as well as our pocket-book, +while studying this question. We have seen men of wealth going about the +streets crying for an egg to cool their parched tongues, and they have +been turned away eggless, and gone to their palatial homes only to +suffer untold agonies, the result of those unholy alliances between +farmers and hens. They have tossed sleeplessly on their downy beds, +wondering if there was no balm in Gilead, no rooster there. They have +looked in vain for compassion on the part of the farmers, who haye only +laughed at their sufferings, and put up the price of eggs. + +The time has arrived for action on the part of the wealthy consumers +of eggs, and we are glad the State grange has been formed. Let a +few determined men get together in every community, and swear by the +bald-headed profit that they will put down this hen monopoly or die, +and after they have sworn, let them send to us for a charter for a +lodge--enclosing two dollars in advance--and we will forward to them the +ritual of the order. + +If this thing is allowed to go on for five years these farmers will be +beyond the power of the government to control. This is a grave question, +and if the wealthy people do not get relief we might as well bid +farewell to our American institutions, as the liberty for which our +forefathers fought will not be worth paying taxes for. + + +***** + + +There is no person in the world who is easier to overlook the +inconsistencies that show themselves on the stage at theatres than we +are, but once in a while there is something so glaring that it pains us. +We have seen actors fight a duel in a piece of woods far away from any +town, on the stage, and when one of them fell, pierced to the heart with +a sword, we have noticed that he fell on a Brussels carpet. That is all +wrong, but we have stood it manfully. + +We have seen a woman, on the stage who was so beautiful that we could be +easily mashed if we had any heart left to spare. Her eyes were of that +heavenly color that has been written about heretofore, and her smile +as sweet as ever was seen, but behind the scenes, through the wings, we +have seen her trying to dig the cork out of a beer bottle with a pair of +shears, and ask a supe, in harsh tones, where the cork-screw was, while +she spread mustard on a piece of cheese, and finally drank the beer +from the bottle, and spit the pieces of cork out on the floor, sitting +astride of a stage chair, and her boot heels up on the top round, her +trail rolled up into a ball, wrong side out, showing dirt from forty +different stage floors. + +These things hurt. But the worst thing that has ever occurred to knock +the romance out of us, was to see a girl in the second act, after +“twelve years is supposed to elapse,” with the same pair of red +stockings on that she wore in the first act, twelve years before. Now, +what kind of a way is that? It does not stand to reason that a girl +would wear the same pair of stockings twelve years. Even if she had them +washed once in six months, they would be worn out. People notice these +things. + +What the actresses of this country need is to change their stockings. To +wear them twelve years, even in their minds, shows an inattention to +the details and probabilities of a play, that must do the actresses +an injury, if not give them corns. Let theatre-goers insist that the +stockings be changed oftener, in these plays that sometimes cover half +a century, and the stockings will not become moth-eaten. Girls, look to +the little details. Look to the stockings, as your audiences do, and you +will see how it is yourselves. + + + + +A BALD-HEADED MAN MOST CRAZY. + +Last Wednesday the bell to our telephone rung violently at 8 o'clock in +the morning, and when we put our ear to the earaphone, and our mouth +to the mouthaphone, and asked what was the matter, a still small voice, +evidently that of a lady, said, “Julia has got worms, doctor.” + +We were somewhat taken back, but supposing Julia was going fishing, we +were just going to tell her not to forget to spit on her bait, when a +male voice said, “O, go to the devil, will you?” We couldn't tell whose +voice it was, but it sounded like the clerk at the Plankinton House, and +we sat down. + +There is no man who will go further to accommodate a friend than we +will, but by the great ethereal there are some things we will not do to +please anybody. As we sat and meditated, the bell rung once more, and +then we knew the wires had got tangled, and that we were going to have +trouble all day. It was a busy day, too, and to have a bell ringing +beside one's ear all day is no fun. + +The telephone is a blessed thing when it is healthy, but when its liver +is out of order it is the worst nuisance on record. When it is out +of order that way you can hear lots of conversation that you are not +entitled to. For instance, we answered the bell after it had rung +several times, and a sweet little female voice said, “Are you going to +receive to-morrow?” We answered that we were going to receive all the +time. Then she asked what made us so hoarse? We told her that we had sat +in a draft from the bank, and it made the cold chills run over us to pay +it. That seemed to be satisfactory, and then she began to tell us what +she was going to wear, and asked if we thought it was going to be too +cold to wear a low neck dress and elbow sleeves. We told her that was +what we were going to wear, and then she began to complain that her new +dress was too tight in various places that she mentioned, and when the +boys picked us up off the floor and bathed our temples, and we told them +to take her away, they thought we were crazy. + +If we have done wrong in talking with a total stranger, who took us for +a lady friend, we are willing to die. We couldn't help it. For an hour +we would not answer the constant ringing of the bell, but finally the +bell fluttered as though a tiny bird had lit upon the wire and was +shaking its plumage. It was not a ring, but it was a tune, as though an +angel, about eighteen years old, a blonde angel, was handling the other +end of the transmitter, and we felt as though it was wrong for us to sit +and keep her in suspense, when she was evidently dying to pour into our +auricular appendage remarks that we ought to hear. + +And still the bell did flut. We went to the cornucopia, put our ear to +the toddy stick and said, “What ailest thou darling, why dost thy hand +tremble? Whisper all thou feelest to thine old baldy.” Then there +came over the wire and into our mansard by a side window the following +touching remarks: “Matter enough. I have been ringing here till I have +blistered my hands. We have got to have ten car loads of hogs by day +after to-morrow or shut down.” Then there was a stuttering, and then +another voice said, “Go over to Loomis' pawn shop. A man shot in”--and +another voice broke in, singing, “The sweet by and by, we shall meet +on that beautiful”--and another voice said--“girl I ever saw. She was +riding with a duffer, and wiped her nose as I drove by in the street +car, and I think she is struck after me.” + +It was evident that the telephone was drunk, and we went out in the hall +and wrote on a barrel all the afternoon, and gave it full possession of +the office. + + +***** + + +Mr. Peck was recently extended an invitation to be present at a meeting +of the Iowa Commercial Travelers' Association, at Des Moines, and +respond to the toast: “Our Wives and Sweethearts, and Little Ones at +Home.” He couldn't be present, but he responded all the same, in the +following manner: + +“That is the sweetest toast that man was ever called upon to respond to. +Very few traveling men who have good wives, loving sweethearts, and dear +little children at home, sending loving messages to them, often ever +stray very far from the straight and narrow path. There is no class of +men on earth that has greater temptations and better opportunities to be +'cusses on wheels' than the traveling men of the Northwest; and when I +say that they stand up under it a confounded sight better than the same +number of ministers or editors would, I don't want you to think I am +giving you any confectionery from my sample case. + +“Through snows of winter, mud of spring and fall, and heat of summer, +the traveling man makes his connections and sends in his orders, and +seems to enjoy religion with the best of them. But the happiest days +for him and the shortest are those he spends at home with his wife, the +children or sweet-heart. There can be more tears brought to the eyes of +the traveling man by a little child putting its arms around his neck and +saying, 'My dear, precious papa,' than could be brought out by any other +press I know of, however powerful. + +“I know there is occasionally a traveling man who always has his sign +out ready to be mashed, but he never neglects his business for any +foolish-ness. He would leave the finest country flirt that ever winked a +wink to sell a bill of brown sugar on sixty days' time. + +“It is said that the average traveling man will keep a whole seat in a +car, and never offer to give half of it to a man, when, if a handsome +woman comes in, he will fly around and divide with her. Well, who the +deuce wouldn't? That shows that his heart is in the right place. A man +can go into the smoking car and sit on the wood box, but a woman has got +to sit down, at least that is the way I should explain it. + +“Boys, may the trips become shorter each year, and the visits to the dear +ones at home be extended, so that in time you may be detailed to stay at +home always, with an increase of salary or an interest in the business; +and, I am sure, when the time comes you will be the happiest fellows +that ever had thousand mile tickets punched, and when your time comes to +attend the grand banquet above, and you appear before St. Peter at the +gate, and begin to open up your samples, he will simply look at your +business card and turn to the clerk and say, 'Give these boys all front +rooms, and see that there is a fire escape and plenty of towels, and +that the rooms are aired, and then step down to the box office and +reserve them some seats for the sacred concert this evening. Pass right +in now and get a check for your overshoes.'” + + + + +ACCIDENTS AND INCIDENTS AT THEATRES. + +Sometimes our heart bleeds for actors and actresses, when we think what +they have to go through with. The other night at Watertown, N. Y., +Miss Ada Gray was playing “Camille,” and in the dying scene, where she +breathes her last, to slow music, an accident occurred which broke her +all up. She was surrounded by sorrowing friends, who were trying to do +everything to make it pleasant for her, when the bed on which she +was dying,--an impromptu sort of a bed got up by the stage +carpenter,--tipped partly over, and the dying woman rolled over on the +stage, tipped over a wash-stand filled with tumblers and bottles of +medicine, and raised a deuce of a row. It would have been all right, and +she could have propped the bed up and proceeded with her dying, had not +the actress got rattled. + +Most actresses get lost entirely when anything occurs that is not in +the play, and Miss Gray was the scaredest female that ever lived. She +thought it was a judgment on her for playing a dying character, and +thought the whole theatre had been struck by lightning, and was going +to fall down. To save herself was her first thought, so she grabbed her +night-dress,--which was embroidered up and down the front, and had point +lace on the yoke of the sleeves,--in both hands and started for the +orchestra, the wildest corpse that ever lived. + +The leader of the orchestra caught her, but not being an undertaker he +did not undertake to hold her, and she fell over the bass viol and +run one foot through the snare drum, and grasping the fiddle for a +life-preserver she jumped into the raging scenery-back of the stage +which represented a sea. + +They had to pull her out with boat-hooks, and it was half an hour before +she could be induced to go to bed again and proceed with her dying. + +Actresses are often annoyed at the remarks made by foolish fellows in +the audience. A remark by a person in the audience always causes people +to laugh, whether the speaker says anything smart or not. + +Recently, in the play of “Cinderella at School,” a girl came out with a +sheet over her, as a ghost, to frighten a young fellow who was “mashed” + on her. He looked at the ghost for a moment, and kept on lighting his +cigarette, when a galloot up in the gallery said, so everybody could +hear it, “He don't scare worth a damn!” and the audience went fairly +wild, while the pretty girl stood there and blushed as though her heart +would break. + +Such things are wrong. + +Probably one of the meanest tricks that was ever, played was played on +Mary Anderson. It will be remembered that in the play of “Ingomar,” + Parthenia and the barbarian have several love scenes, where they lop on +each other and hug some--that is, not too much hugging, but just hugging +enough. Ingomar wears a huge fur garment, made of lion's skin, or +something. One day he noticed that the moths were getting into it, and +he told his servant to see about the moths, and drive them out. The +servant got some insect powder and blowed the hair of the garment full +of it, and scrubbed the inside of it with benzine. + +Ingomar put it on just before he went on the stage, and thought it +didn't smell just right, but he had no time to inquire into it. He had +not got fairly in his position, before Parthenia came out on a hop, +skip and jump, and threw herself all over him. She got one lung full +of insect powder, and the other full of benzine, and as she said, “Wilt +always love me, Ingomar?” she dropped her head over his shoulder, and +said in an aside, “For the love of heaven, what have you been drinking?” + and then sneezed a couple times. + +Ingomar held her up the best he could, considering that his nose was +full of insect powder, and he answered: + +“I wilt “: and then he said to her quietly: + +“Damfino what it is that smells so!” + +They went on with the play between sneezes, and when the curtain went +down she told Ingomar to go out and shake himself, which he did. + +It was noticed in the next act that Ingomar had a linen duster on, and +Mary snoze no more. + +There was another mean trick played on a comedian a short time ago. In +one of the plays he comes into a room as a tramp, and asks for something +to drink. There is nothing to drink, and he asks if he may drink the +kerosene in the lamp, which is on the table unlighted. The lamp has been +filled with beer, and when he is told that he can slake his thirst +at the lamp, he unscrews the top, takes out the wick, and drinks the +contents. Everybody laughs, and the idea is a good one. + +At Chicago, recently, some friend took out the beer and filled the lamp +with a liquid of the same color, but the most sickish tasting stuff that +ever was. The comedian drank about three swallows of the neatsfoot oil +before he got onto the joke, and then he flew around like a dog that had +been poisoned, and went off the stage saying something like “Noo Yoick.” + +He has agreed to kill the fellow that loaded that lamp for him. + + + + +ALL ABOUT A SANDWICH. + +The time for getting to the Michigan Central depot at Chicago was so +limited that no regularly prepared supper could be secured, and so it +was necessary to take a sandwich at the central depot. There has been +great improvement made in the sandwiches furnished in Chicago, in the +last ten years. In 1870 it was customary to encase the sandwiches in +pressed sole leather. The leather was prepared by a process only known +to a Prussian, and the bread and ham were put in by hydraulic pressure, +and the hole soldered up. + +About four years ago, the Prussian who had the secret said something +unkind to a pitcher of a baseball club, and the pitcher took up one of +the sandwiches and pitched it curved at the Prussian's eye. His funeral +was quite largely attended, considering that he was a man who was +retiring, and who made few acquaintances; but the secret of making the +soles and uppers of railroad sandwiches died with him. + +It was about this time that corrugated iron shutters were invented, and +that material was at once utilized to make lids for sandwiches, while +the under jaw of the appetite-destroying substance was made of common +building paper, the whole-varnished with neats foot oil, and kiln dried +in a lime kiln. + +Our object in eating one of the sandwiches, was to transfer, if +possible, the headache to the stomach, on the principle that the quack +doctor cured a patient of paralysis by throwing him into fits, claiming +that he was not much on paralysis, but he was hell on fits. The entrance +of the piece of sandwich into the stomach--that is, the small pieces +that we were able to blast off with the imperfect appliances at hand in +the tool box of a wrecking car--was signaled by the worst rebellion +that has been witnessed in this country since 1860. The stomach, liver, +lungs, spleen and other patent insides got up an indignation meeting, +with the stomach in the chair. In calling the meeting to order the +stomach said unaccustumed as it was to public speaking, it felt as +though the occasion demanded a protest, and that in no uncertain tone, +against the habit the boss had of slinging anything into the stomach +that came in his way, without stopping to consider the effect on the +internals. + +The chair remarked that it had heretofore had a good many hard doses to +take, notably, army bacon, and later some black bread that the boss had +shoved in while hunting out in Minnesota in 1876, and again last year +when a pan full of beans from Bill Wall's Wolf river boom boarding house +was sent down without any introduction, the stomach said it had felt +like throwing up the “sponge,” and drawing out of the game, but it had +thought better of it, and had gone on trying to digest things till now. +But this last outrage, this Chicago sandwich, was too much. + +“See here,” says the stomach, holding up a piece of the iron lid of the +sandwich so the liver could see it, “what kind of a junk shop does he +take this place for?” + +The liver got the floor and suggested that the stomach was making +a terrible fuss about a little thing, and told the stomach it had +evidently forgotten the good things that had been sent down from above +in times gone by. + +“You seem to forget,” says the liver, becoming warmed up, “the banquets +the boss never fails to attend, the nice dinners he sometimes gets at +home, and the wild canvas-back duck he sends down when he goes to +Lake Koshkonong, as well as the Palmer House dinners that occasionally +surprise us. I move that the stomach be reprimanded for kicking and +trying to get up a muss, and that this meeting adjourn and we all go +about our business.” + +The stomach tried to get in a word edgewise, but it was of no use, and +the thing was about to break up in a row, when we went to sleep in one +of the elegant Michigan Central sleepers, and in the morning the stomach +was coaxing for something more, and didn't seem to care what it was. + +No young man should ever take two girls to a picnic. We don't care how +attractive the girls are, or how enterprising a boy is, or how expansive +or far-reaching a mind he has, he cannot do justice to the subject if he +has two girls. There will be a clashing of interests that no young +boy in his goslinghood, as most boys are when they take two girls to a +picnic, has the diplomacy to prevent. + +If we start the youth of the land out right in the first place, they +will be all right, but if they start out by taking two girls to a picnic +their whole lives are liable to become acidulated, and they will grow up +hating themselves. + +If a young man is good natured and tries to do the fair thing, and a +picnic is got up, there is always some old back number of a girl who has +no fellow who wants to go, and the boys, after they all get girls and +buggies engaged, will canvass among themselves to see who will take this +extra girl, and it always falls to this good natured young man. He says +of course there is room for three in the buggy. + +Sometimes he thinks maybe this old girl can be utilized to drive the +horse, and then he can converse with his own sweet girl with both hands, +but in such a moment as ye think not he finds that the extra girl is +afraid of horses, dare not drive, and really requires some holding to +keep her nerves quiet. He tries to drive with one hand and console his +good girl, who is a little cross at the turn affairs have taken, with +the other, but it is a failure, and finally his good girl says she will +drive, and then he has to put an arm around them both, which gives more +or less dissatisfaction the best way you can fix it. + +If we had a boy who didn't seem to have any more sense than to make a +hat rack of himself to hang girls on in a buggy, we should labor with +him and tell him of the agonies we had experienced in youth when the +boys palmed off two girls on us to take to a country picnic, and we +believe we can do no greater favor to the young men just entering the +picnic of life than to impress upon them the importance of doing one +thing at a time, and doing it well. + + +***** + + +A young couple from Green county stopped at a Janesville hotel on their +wedding tour, and when they went to bed they were in a hurry and blew +out the gas instead of turning it off. In the night a terrible smell was +heard around the house, and suspicion naturally pointed to the bridal +chamber. The door was pounded on but there was no response, and the +people feared the young folks had gone to heaven, so the door was broken +down. They had not gone to heaven, but they were both senseless, and +were dragged out into the open air, with little ceremony and less +clothes. They were brought out of the stupor, when they looked at each +other in a reproachful manner, and as they pulled on their clothes they +each acted as though if they had known the horrors of married life they +would have remained single all their lives. + + + + +GOODWILL AND COMPASSION. + +The Duchess of Marlborough, who has charge of the fund that is being +distributed to certain portions of Ireland's suffering poor, has issued +a circular pitching into Parnell and others for claiming that she is +acting in the interest of the English landlords. She closes her circular +as follows: + +There is nothing that strikes me with more admiration than the +generosity of the British nation. I have innumerable letters, all +expressing good will and compassion for the calamities which a series of +bad seasons have brought to the west of Ireland. + +To the family that is suffering for the necessaries of life, that would +look upon a large sized potato as a bonanza, there is nothing that +is pleasanter than to read a letter from an Englishman expressing +compassion. How it tones up the stomach to read of the good will that, +by a large majority, occupies the heart of the Briton who writes the +letter to the Duchess of Marlborough. + +You take two plates, and put on one of them the letters expressing good +will and compassion, and on the other plate you put some of the food +sent by Americans, and offer the two plates to an Irish mother whose +famishing children are tugging at her scanty skirts, and let her take +her choice. How her trembling hand would clutch the plate containing the +letters of compassion. Eh? She wouldn't take that plate, do you say? She +would take the plate with the good, honest, star-spangled food on it, +eh? O, you are mistaken. There is so much sustenance and warmth in a +letter of compassion, that the famine stricken person would no doubt +take it and make soup of it. + +But if you think she wouldn't we won't argue the case. However, you +will admit that the Irish are very queer, and if they went back on their +English benefactors and took the rebellious American food, they would be +guilty of treason, of course you will. We are not astonished that +there is nothing that Strikes the Duchess with more admiration than the +generosity of the British nation. It is the most remarkable thing we +ever heard of. + + + + +THE FEMALE BURGLAR. + +Every day we see that some new avenue has been opened to women, by +which they can earn a livelihood. We see by the papers that a woman +in Cleveland has been arrested as a burglar. We have no objections to +female pickpockets, for if a man must have his pockets picked, it will +be much more enjoyable to feel the delicate hand of a beautiful woman +fluttering around his pockets than a rough male hand. + +Many a man who would object to having his pockets picked by a man, +would be willing to lose ten or fifteen dollars just to have a female +pickpocket go through him. + +There is a field open for women as confidence men. To have a female +confidence game played on a man would leave less of a sting than to be +bilked by a male. But, as burglars, the idea seems revolting. To think +of women going about nights with a jimmy and a dark lantern, and opening +doors, or windows, and sneaking about rooms, is degrading. If a male +burglar gets in your house, and he is discovered, you can shoot him, if +you get the drop on him, or kick him down stairs; but who wants to shoot +a female burglar, or kick her over the banisters? It would be unnatural. +You would almost rather let her go ahead and burgle, and let her go away +with your money, than to shoot her. + +Besides, you could not hit her with a bullet from an ordinary pistol +in a vital part. The heart and other vital organs are covered with +bullet-proof corsets, liver and lung pads and porous plasters. You take +a corset and tie it around a sack of flour, and try to fire a bullet +through it, and you will find that the bullet will fall to the ground. +Try to fire a ball through a bed quilt, and you will discover that the +ball becomes wound and twisted in the cotton batting, from the rifling +of the barrel of the pistol, and stops as it goes through. + +A liver pad is as good as boiler iron to protect the form, so you see +there is no place to shoot a female burglar, except in the head and +legs. No gentleman would want to shoot a beautiful woman in the face, +and with a long dress on he might as well shut his eyes and shoot at a +hop-yard, and expect to hit a pole, as to expect to hit a woman's leg. + +So it is seen plainly that a female burglar would be perfectly safe from +a pistol shot. + +Then, again, the natural gallantry of a man would prevent his making +much of a fuss if he found a female burglar in his house. If the average +man--and most men are average men--should wake up in the night and see a +woman burglar feeling in his pants, rifling the pockets, or rummaging +in the drawers of the bureau, he would lay still and let her burgle, as +long as she would keep still and not wake up his wife. Were it a male +burglar, he would jump up, regardless of his nocturnal costume, and tell +him to get out of there, but he would hesitate to get up before a female +burglar. He would not feel like accosting the female burglar without an +introduction. If he spoke to her familiarly, she would be justified in +being indignant, and saying, “Sir, I do not remember that we have ever +met before,” and very likely she would turn her back on him, and say she +was insulted. + +It places a man of gallantry in a very embarrassing situation to have a +female burglar rob his house because he would be no gentleman if he did +not offer to see her safe home. No true gentleman would like to see a +female burglar go home alone at three or four o'clock in the morning, +and while he might feel the loss of his property, it would be courtesy +for him to offer to see her home, and help carry the swag. + +If women become burglars, there is going to be more or less annoyance. + + + + +THE GIRL THAT WAS HUGGED TO DEATH. + +We are sorry to see so many of the humorous papers find any fun in the +incident of the girl at Keokuk who was hugged to death by her lover. He +had proposed to her, in her father's parlor, and she had accepted him, +and in a moment of ecstacy he hugged her to his breast, and she died at +once. The young man was horror stricken, and called her parents. It is +supposed that she died of heart disease. The case was very sad, indeed, +and papers should not make fun of an occurrence that brings so much +sadness. + +However, while this case is fresh in the minds of old and young, we will +embrace the opportunity, and embrace it gently, for fear we will kill +it, to again impress upon young people what we have so often advised, +and that is to be unusually careful about how they hug girls. Many a +young man hugs a girl almost to death, and he never knows how near he +comes to being a murderer. + +Girls now-a-days are not what they used to be when you and I were young, +Maggie. They cannot stand as much grief now as girls did twenty years +ago. Somehow, they don't seem to be put up for hugging. If a man puts +his arm around a seven-teen-year-old girl of the present day, and sort +of closes in on the belt, he expects to hear something break. Many a +humane man lets go before he has got a girl half hugged because the girl +looks so frail that he is afraid he will break her in two. + +Of course there are exceptions to the frail girls, but the majority are +too much like a bundle of asparagus. Some of the girls of the present +day are robust, and seem to be offended if a person lets up on the +hugging on their account, and it is said they hug back with a vigor +which reminds a man of the days of long ago, but they are few and far +between. + +Too much care cannot be exercised in putting arms around the young girls +of to-day, and we would wish to impress this fact upon the minds of the +young men who are just coming upon the stage of action. Of course, men +along in years do not need advice. The boys are apt to put more force +into the right arm than they are aware of, a hundred per cent, more than +they would be apt to do in sawing wood, or in carrying up a scuttle of +coal. + +They should bear in mind that girls are too valuable to be used in +developing the muscles, as you would a gymnasium. You don't have to +squeeze a girl till her liver is forced from its normal position, and +she chokes and catches her breath, to show her that you love her. A +gentle squeeze of the hand, the stealing of the arm around her waist +when she is not looking, and the least pressure upon her belt is all +that the law requires. + +She can tell by your face whether you love her, as you sit there in +the twilight looking into the guiding star eyes, as well as though you +grabbed her as you would a sack of wheat, and hung on like a dog to a +root. + + +***** + + +Anna Dickinson is going upon the stage again and is to play male +characters, such as “Hamlet,” “Macbeth,” and “Claude Melnotte.” We have +insisted for years that Anna Dickinson was a man, and we dare anybody to +prove to the contrary. + +There is one way to settle this matter, and that is when she plays +Hamlet. Let the stage manager put a large spider in the skull of Yorick, +and when Hamlet takes up the skull and says, “Alas, poor Yorick, I was +pretty solid with him,” let the spider crawl out of one of the eye holes +onto Hamlet's hand, and proceed to walk up Miss Dickinson's sleeve. +If Hamlet simply shakes the spider off, and goes on with the funeral, +unconcerned, then Miss Dickinson is a man. But if Hamlet screams bloody +murder, throws the skull at the grave digger, falls over into the grave, +tears his shirt, jumps out of the grave and shakes his imaginary skirts, +gathers them all up in his hands and begins to climb up the scenes like +a Samantha cat chased by a dog, and gets on top of the first fly and +raises Hamlet's back and spits, then Miss Dickinson is a woman. The +country will watch eagerly for the result of the test, which we trust +will be made at the Boston Theatre next week. + + + + +OUR CHRISTIAN NEIGHBORS HAVE GONE. + +It pains us to announce that the Young Men's Christian Association, +which has had rooms on two sides of our office for more than a year, +has moved away. We do not know why they moved, as we have tried to do +everything that it was possible to do for their comfort, and to cheer +them in their lonely life. That their proximity to the _Sun_ office has +been beneficial to them we are assured, and the closeness has not done +us any hurt as we know of. Many times when something has happened that, +had it happened in La Crosse, might have caused us to be semi-profane, +instead of giving way to the fiery spirit within us, and whooping it up, +we have thought of our neighbors who were truly good, and have turned +the matter over to our business manager, who would do the subject +justice or burst a flue. + +When the young Christians have given a sociable, we have always put on +a resigned and pious expression and gone amongst them about the time +the good bald-headed brother brought up the pail full of coffee, and the +cheerful sister cut the cake. + +No one has been more punctual at these free feeds than we have, though +we have often noticed that we never got a fair divide of the cake that +was left, when they were dividing it up to carry home for the poor. We +have been as little annoyed by our neighbors as we could have been by +anybody that might have occupied the rooms. + +It is true that at times the singing of a church tune in there when we +were writing a worldly editorial has caused us to get tangled, but the +piety that we have smuggled into our readers through the church music +will more than atone for the wrath we have felt at the discordant music, +and we have hopes the good brothers will not be averse to saying a good +word for us when they feel like it. + +When we lent the young Christians our sanctum as a reception room for +the ladies when they gave the winter picnic to the dry goods clerks, we +_did_ feel a little hurt at finding so many different kinds of hair pins +on the carpet the next morning, and the different colors of long hair on +our plush chairs and raw silk ottoman would have been a dead give away +on any other occasion, but for this, even, we have forgiven the young +Christians, though if we ever do so again they have got to agree to comb +the lounge and the chairs before we shall ever occupy the rooms again. + +There is nothing that is so hard to explain as a long hair of another +color, or hair pins and blue bows, and pieces of switch. They are gone, +and we miss them. No more shall we hear the young Christian slip up on +the golden stairs and roll down with his boot heel pointing heavenward, +while the wail of a soul in anguish comes over the banisters, and the +brother puts his hand on his pistol pocket and goes out the front door +muttering a silent prayer, with blood in his eyes. + +No more will the young Christian faint by the wayside as he brings back +our borrowed chairs and finds a bottle and six glasses on our center +table, when he has been importuning us to deliver a temperance speech in +his lecture room. Never again shall we witness the look of agony on the +face of the good brother when we refuse to give five dollars towards +helping discharged criminals to get a soft thing, while poor people who +never committed a crime and have never been supported by the State are +amongst us feeling the pangs of hunger. No more shall we be compelled +to watch the hard looking citizens who frequent the reading room of the +association for fear they will enter our office in the still watches of +the night and sleep on the carpet with their boots on. + +They are all gone. They have gone across the beautiful river, and have +camped near the _Christian Statesman_ office, where all is pure and good +except the houses over on Second street, beyond the livery stable, where +they never will be molested if they do not go there. + +Will they be treated any better in their new home than they have been +with us? Will they have that confidence in their new neighbors that +they have always seemed to have in us? Well, we hope they may be always +happy, and continue to do good, and when they come to die and go to St. +Peter's gate, if there is any back talk, and they have any trouble about +getting in, the good old doorkeeper is hereby assured that we will vouch +for the true goodness and self-sacrificing devotion of the Milwaukee +Young Men's Christian association, and he is asked to pass them in and +charge it up to the _Sun_. + + + + +THE SUDDEN FIRE-WORKS AT RACINE. + +One of those Fourth of July accidents that are always looked for but +seldom occur, happened at Racine, Monday night, which struck terror to +the hearts and other portions of the bodies of many eminent citizens, +and that none were killed we can all thank Providence, who tempers the +fire-works to the sweaty citizen in his shirt sleeves. The enterprising +citizens had contributed a large sum of money, which had been +judiciously expended in all kinds of fire-works, and one side of the +public square was given up to the display. + +Thousands of citizens had gathered there, from city and country, and +bright Roman candles shone o'er fair men and brave women, and sixteen +thousand nine hundred and twelve hearts beat happy, while music arose +with its voluptuous swell, and soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake +again, or words to that effect. At least that was what a young fellow +from Racine told us, who was there to see a specialist to have a +splinter from a rocket stick removed from his ear. + +A few pieces had been shot off, a few bunches of crackers had had their +tails tied together and been hung over a wire clothes line, like cats, +to fight it out, and the crowd was holding its breath for the next boom, +when there was an explosion; the earth seemed to tremble, and the air +was full of all kinds of fire-works. The whole supply of fire-works had +become ignited, and were blowing off where they listeth, without regard +to anybody's feelings. + +The crowd became panic stricken, and there never was another such a +scene, and never will be until the last great day, when a few thousand +people suddenly find that they have got into hell, by mistake, when they +thought they were ticketed through to the other place. It was perfectly +awful. Prominent citizens who usually display great pluck, became +fearfully rattled. + +A man named Martindale, a railroad man who weighs over two hundred +pounds, was standing near a telegraph pole, and as the firing commenced +he climbed up the pole as easy as a squirrel would climb a tree, and +when it was over they had to get a fire ladder to get him down, as his +pants had got caught over the glass telegraph knob, and he had forgotten +the combination, and besides he said he didn't want to take off his +clothes up there and come down, even if it _was_ dark, because it would +be just his luck to have some one fire off a Roman candle when he got +down. + +The Hon. Norton J. Field was another man who lost his nerve. He was +explaining to some ladies one of the pieces that was to be fired off, +which was an allegorical picture representing the revolution, when the +whole business blew up. He thought at the time, that the explosion was +in the programme, and was just reassuring the ladies, by telling them +it reminded him of battle scenes he had witnessed when he was on the +military committee in the assembly, when he noticed a girl near him +whose polonaise had caught fire, and he rushed up to her, caught her by +the dress, intending, with his cool hands, to put out the fire. + +The girl felt some one feeling, as she supposed, for her pocket-book, +and she started to run, yelling, “pickpocket,” and left the burning +polonaise in Mr. Field's hands. He blushed, and was about to explain to +his lady friends how the best of us are liable to have our motives +misconstrued, when somebody threw a box of four dozen of those large +firecrackers right at his feet, and they were all on fire. Ten of them +exploded at once, and he grabbed the polonaise in one hand and his +burning coat tail in the other, and started West on a run. + +The steward of the Gideon's Band Club House, at Burlington, said he +arrived there at daylight on the morning of the 5th, and he still held +the pieces of dress, but the whole back of his coat was burned off, and +his suspenders just held by a thread. He said the comet struck the earth +at Racine, at 9:30 the night before, and knocked the town into the lake, +and he and another fellow were all that escaped. + +The narrowest escape was that of young Mr. Oberman. He is a small man, +all except his heart and feet, and when the air began to fill with +patriotic missiles, he started to run. On passing the _News_ office he +had to jump over the old coal stove that stood there, and while he +was in the air, six feet from the sidewalk, a sky rocket stick passed +through his coat tail and pinned him to the building, where he hung +suspended, while other rocket sticks were striking all around him, Roman +candle colored balls were falling on his unprotected head, etc., and one +of these nigger chasers, that run all over the ground, climbed up the +side of the building and tried to get in his pants pocket. + +Mr. Oberman begged Mr. Wright, the postmaster, to cut him down, but Mr. +Wright, who was using both hands and his voice trying to disengage a +package of pin-wheels from the back portion of his coat, which were on +fire and throwing out colored sparks, said he hadn't got time, as he was +going down to the river to take a sitz bath for his health. + +The man that keeps the hotel next door to the _News_ office came out +with a pail of water, yelled “fire,” and threw the water on Mr. Curt +Treat's head. Mr. Treat was very much vexed, and told the hotel man if +he couldn't tell the difference between an auburn haired young man and +a pin-wheel, he'd better go and hire somebody that could. Friends of +Mr. Treat say that he would be justified in going into the hotel and +ordering a bottle of pop, and then refusing to pay for it, as the water +took all the starch out of his shirt. + +Those who saw the explosion say it was one of the most magnificent, yet +awful and terrible sights ever witnessed, and the only wonder is that +somebody was not hurt. What added to the terror of the scene was when +they went to the artesian well to get water to put out the fire and +found that the well had ceased flowing. On investigation they found that +Mr. Sage, the Assemblyman, had crawled into the pipe. + +By the way, Mr. Oberman finally got down from his terrible position by +the aid of the editor of the _Journal_, to whom Mr. Oberman promised +coal enough to run his engine for a year. Very few men displayed any +coolness except Mr. Treat and Mr. Sage. + + + + +YOUNG FOOLS WHO MARRY. + +An exchange has the following item which may seem all right, but it will +get some young fellow's back broke yet: + +“An Illinois justice has decided that courting is a public necessity, +and must not be interrupted; therefore, if a young man wanted to kiss a +girl he might put her father out of the room first if he liked.” + +The publication of the above may cause some smart youth to do something +he will regret. The lame, sickly-looking father of a girl may come into +the parlor some night and find the warm-haired youth on the sofa with +the girl, and when the old man speaks of it being time to stop such +nonsense, the young man, with this judicial decision in his mind, will +tell his prospective father-in-law to wipe off his vest and go to bed. + +The old man will spit on his hands and grasp the warm-haired young man +by the county seat and tie him up in a double bow knot, and pin a scarf +on him, and throw him out on the path to the gate, and then he will turn +and slap the girl across where the dress is plaited, and she will go up +stairs with her hand on her heart, as it were, and the old man will jump +up and say “Whoop?” + +The young men of this country have got gall enough about visiting girls +in the evening at their homes without filling their heads with any such +ideas in regard to their legal rights. There are very few fathers who +would quietly submit to being told to go away by a youth with a striped +neck tie and pants too short at the bottom. + +These sparkers are looked upon by parents generally as a nuisance, and +often they are right. Nine-tenths of the sparking is done by boys who +haven't got their growth, and they look so green that it is laughable +for old folks to look at them. They haven't generally got a second +shirt, and they are no more qualified to get married than a steer is to +preach. And yet marrying is about the first thing they think of. + +A green boy, without a dollar, present or prospective, sparking a girl +regularly and talking of marrying is a spectacle for gods and men. He +should be reasoned with, and if he will not quit it until he is able +to support a wife, and to know who he loves, and the difference between +love and passion, he should be quarantined or put in a convent erected +on purpose for such cases. + +Nine-tenths of the unhappy marriages are the result of green human +calves being allowed to run at large in the society pasture without any +pokes on them. They marry and have children before they do moustaches; +they are fathers of twins before they are proprietors of two pairs of +pants, and the little girls they marry are old women before they are +twenty years old. Occasionally one of these gosling marriages turns out +all right, but it is a clear case of luck. + +If there was a law against young galoots sparking and marrying before +they have all their teeth cut, we suppose the little cusses would evade +it some way, but there ought to be a sentiment against it. It is time +enough for these bantams to think of finding a pullet when they have +raised money enough by their own work to buy a bundle of laths to build +a hen house. But they see a girl who looks cunning, and they are afraid +there is not going to be girls enough to go around, and they begin +their work real spry; and before they are aware of the sanctity of the +marriage relation, they are hitched for life, and before they own a +cook-stove or a bedstead they have to get up in the night and go for a +doctor, so frightened that they run themselves out of breath and abuse +the doctor because he does not run too; and when the doctor gets there +he finds that there is not enough linen in the house to wrap up a doll +baby. + +It is about this time that a young man begins to realize that he has +been a colossal fool, as he flies around to heat water and bring in the +bath tub, and as he goes whooping after his mother or her mother, he +turns pale around the gills, his hair turns red in a single night, and +he calls high heaven to witness that if he lives till morning, which +he has doubts about, he will turn over a new leaf and never get married +again until he is older. And in the morning the green-looking “father” + is around before a drug store is open, with no collar on, his hair +sticking every way, his eyes blood-shot and his frame nervous, waiting +for the clerk to open the door so he can get some saffron to make tea +of. + +Less than a year ago he thought he was the greatest man there was +anywhere, but he sits there in the house that morning, with his wedding +coat rusty and shiny, his pants frayed at the bottom and patched in the +seat, and the nurse puts in his arm a little bundle of flannel with a +baby hid in it, and he holds it as he would a banana, and as he looks at +his girl wife on the bed, nearly dead from pain and exhaustion, and +he thinks that there are not provisions enough in the house to feed a +canary, a lump comes in his throat and he says to himself that if he +had it to do over again he would leave that little girl at home with her +mother; and he would, till he had six dollars to buy baby flannel and +ten dollars to pay the doctor. + + + + +LARGE MOUTHS ARE FASHIONABLE. + +The fashion papers, which are authority on the styles, claim that ladies +with large mouths are all the fashion now, and that those whose mouths +are small and rosebud-like are all out of style. It is singular the +freaks that are taken by fashion. Years ago a red-headed girl, with a +mouth like a slice cut out of a muskmelon, would have been laughed at, +and now such a girl is worth going miles to see. + +It is easier to color the hair red, and be in fashion, than it is to +enlarge the mouth, though a mouth that has any give to it can be helped +by the constant application of a glove stretcher during the day, and by +holding the cover to a tin blacking box while sleeping. What in the world +the leaders of fashion wanted to declare large mouths the style for, the +heavens only can tell. + +Take a pretty face and mortise about a third of it for mouth, and it +seems to us as though it is a great waste of raw material. There is no +use that a large mouth can be put to that a small mouth would not do +better, unless it is used for a pigeon hole to file away old sets of +false teeth. They can't, certainly, be any better for kissing. + +You all remember the traveling man who attended the church fair at +Kalamazoo, where one of the sisters would give a kiss for ten cents. +He went up and paid his ten cents, and was about to kiss her when he +noticed that her mouth was one of those large, open face, cylinder +escapement, to be continued mouths. It commenced at the chin and went +about four chains and three links in a northwesterly direction, then +around by her ear, across under the nose and back by the other ear to +the place of beginning, and containing twelve acres, more or less. + +The traveling man said he was only a poor orphan, and had a family to +support, and if he never came out alive it would be a great hardship +upon those dependent upon him for support, and he asked her as a special +favor that she take her hand and take a reef in one side of the mouth +so it would be smaller. She consented, and puckered in a handful of what +would have been cheek, had it not been mouth. He looked at her again and +found that the mouth had become a very one-sided affair, and he said he +had just one more favor to ask. + +He was not a man that was counted hard to suit when he was at home +in Chicago, but he would always feel as though he had got his money's +worth, and go away with pleasanter recollections of Kalamazoo, if she +would kindly take her other hand and draw the other side of her mouth +together, and he would be content to take his ten cents' worth out of +what was left unemployed. + +This was too much, and she gave him a terrible look, and returned him +his ten cents, saying, “Do you think, sir, because you are a Chicago +drummer, that for ten cents you can take a kiss right out of the +best part of it? Go! Get thee to a nunnery,” and he went and bought a +lemonade with the money. + +We would not advise any lady whose mouth is small to worry about this +new fashion, and try to enlarge the one nature has given her. Large +mouths will have their run in a few brief months and will be much sought +after by the followers of fashion, but in a short time the little ones +that pout, and look cunning, will come to the front and the large ones +will be for rent. The best kind of a mouth to have is a middling sized +one, that has a dimple by its sides, which is always in style. + + + + +LOOKING FOR A MOOLEY COW. + +It is painful to read the remarks made by some of the papers in regard +to the wicked stories told about a minister named Atwater, up in Dunn +county, who was walking in the woods with a young lady. Some editors +would believe anything that was told of a minister, if they knew it was +untrue. + +The truth of the matter seems to be that the elder called to visit a +Miss Northrop, a member of his church, who taught school at Knapp. She +seemed to have something on her mind, which she wanted to unfold to him, +and as there were other people in the house where she boarded, it was +suggested that they walk up a hill, into a piece of woods, where they +could talk more freely. + +They started out, and a lot of saw mill hands saw them, and immediately +concluded that something was wrong, and after the truly good people had +got into the brush the men followed. How natural it is for bad men to +think there is something wrong, where two persons of the opposite sex +are congregated together. The elder and the schoolma'am went in the +grubs and sat down on a log, and there she unfolded to him her tale of +woe. + +It appears that she had violated one of the rules of the church by +dancing, and she felt that she ought to confess, and did confess. She +cried like a child, and seemed to be weak, and the elder put his arm +around her to keep her from falling off the log. Everybody knows how +easy it is to roll off a log, if they are not looking, and any man that +wouldn't put his arm around a girl, to keep her from falling off a log, +would be a fool whom it would be base flattery to call another. + +She continued to weep--even the girl admits that--and he put his hand up +to her forehead and stroked her hair, and told her to be calm, and her +head may have fallen upon his breast. The number of heads that wouldn't, +under the circumstances, are mighty few. She was overcome with grief and +he with pity, and he tried to show her that if she braced up and tried +to lead a different life, and shook the dancing hall and the wicked +people who would put their arms around her, she might yet be saved. + +One can imagine that he was displeased at her going into a giddy throng, +to be hugged in plain sight, to the music of a band, and pointed out to +her how much more beautiful it would be to go into the woods, on a log. + +He had, it is alleged, got through soothing her, and she was about to +wipe her nose on her handkerchief, and he was about to remove his arm +from about her waist, when those wicked and perverse men from the saw +mill came whooping into the thicket where they sat, looking for a mooley +cow with one horn broke. + +Now, the elder and the girl knew in a moment that they were not looking +for a mooley cow, but that they were scoffers, and when they asked +the elder if he had seen such an animal, he rose up with much dignity, +buttoned up his coat, and in a pious manner said that he had not seen +the cow. He did not upbraid them for breaking into the solitude of the +sacred confessional, looking for a mooley cow, but seemed to act the +perfect gentleman all the way through. + +Nothing had transpired that might not have transpired in a parlor, if +there had not been so many people in the house, and yet these illiterate +and ungodly saw mill hands went off and told a story that would make +angels blush. It is possible that the elder did wrong in not offering +to go with them and look for the mooley cow, but we should not chide +him for that. He probably had not time to take up a collection of his +thoughts, and no doubt after he thought it over he was sorry he did not +offer his services to them as a herder of mooley cows, but it was then +everlastingly too late. + +They had gone and told the old, old story, and nothing remained to be +done but to call a church meeting, which was done, and the elder and the +girl were acquitted of any wrong doing. This was right. If men are to +be deposed from the ministry for sitting down on a log and consoling a +female parishioner, what is to become of the world? + +We don't believe the elder had any wrong motive, or that a thought +entered his head that might not have entered any man's head under the +circumstances. And yet it was unfortunate, it is so confounded hard to +explain what they walked a mile for to get into the woods where there +was a log. + + + + +THE HARMFUL HAMMOCK. + +Geo. W. Peck, of Peck's _Sun_, knows more about the harmful hammock, +both by experience and observation, than any other man in America. His +testimony runs as follows: + +A young couple who were sitting in a hammock at one of the watering +places in this State were severely injured by tipping over backwards +and striking on the cheek of a head waiter. There is something about +a hammock that is indescribable, and there is no rule that can be made +that will insure safety while sitting in one of the queer things. There +are people who believe that a hammock understands what is going on, and +occasionally indulges in a joke. + +It is certain that an old person with a lame back can swing in a hammock +half the day and it will never kick up. Servant girls and children can +get in a hammock as thick as three in a bed and there is no danger, but +let a spoony young couple sit down in a hammock ever so carefully and it +seems as though the confounded thing was alive, and had taken a contract +to spill them out on the ground in all sorts of embarrassing shapes. +What it is that causes the commotion will, perhaps, never be known, +without an investigation by some middle aged person, and if the season +was not so near over we would investigate the blasted thing ourself, +in the interest of our young readers who are in the full blush of +hammockhood. + +There can be nothing much more annoying to a young couple than to be +sitting side by side or facing each other in a hammock, looking into +each other's eyes, and allowing the love they dare not speak to show +itself in those orbs, and just as they are feeling as though they +couldn't live a minute unless they clasped each other to each other's +heaving bosoms, or at least one heaving bosom and one boiled shirt, and +then have the hammock turn bottom side up and land them on the back of +their necks, on the ground, with legs pointed towards the crab apples on +the trees to which the hammock is hitched, arms flinging wildly to pull +down pantaloon legs, and hands convulsively clawing gravel and muslin +and delaine, while blushes suffuse faces that but a moment before were +a background for the picture of love's young dream, and a crowd of +spectators on the hotel verandah laughing and saying, “Set 'em up +again.” The hammock shakes itself and turns right side up for other +victims, as though it knew what it had been doing, and enjoyed it. + +There are young men all over the land who have been through such +experiences, and had to walk backwards all the way to the house, owing +to fissure veins being discovered in the wearing apparel below the +suspenders, while the number of girls that have been mortified by having +to go to the house with their back hair in one hand, their skirts in +the other, while six places between the polonaise and the ear-rings were +aching like the toothache from contact with the gravel path, are legion, +and we call upon the authorities to suppress the hammock as a nuisance. + +More matches have been broken up by hammocks than by all the Sunday +schools in the world, and no girl who is bow-legged, or has an ankle +like a rutabaga, should ever trust herself in a hammock, even though it +is held by half a dozen friends, as the hammock will shy at a piece of +paper as quick as a skittish horse, and in such a moment as ye think not +you are on all fours, your head dizzy, and if there is a hole in your +stocking as small as a Democrat's hope of election, it will look to +outsiders as big as the gate to a fair ground. O, a hammock is worse +than a bicycle. + + + + +BOYS AND CIRCUSES. + +There is one thing the American people have got to learn, and that is to +give scholars in schools a half holiday when there is a circus in town. +We know that we are in advance of many of the prominent educators of the +country when we advocate such a policy, but sooner or later the people +whose duty it is to superintend schools will learn that we are right, +and they will have to catch up with us or resign. + +In the first place, a boy is going to attend a circus, if there is one +in town, and the question before teachers and superintendents should +be, not how to prevent him from going to the circus, but how to keep +his mind on his books the day before the circus and the day after. +There have been several million boys made into liars by school officials +attempting to prevent their going to circuses, and we contend that it is +the duty of teachers to place as few temptations to lie as possible in +the way of boys. + +If a boy knows that there will be no school on the afternoon of circus +day, he will study like a whitehead all the forenoon, and learn twice as +much as he will in all day if he can't go. If he knows that there is a +conspiracy on foot between his parents and the teachers to keep him from +the circus, he begins to think of some lie to get out of school. He will +be sick, or run away, or something. + +He will get there, if possible. And after the first lie succeeds in +getting him out of school, he is a liar from the word go. There is +something, some sort of electricity that runs from a boy to a circus, +and all the teachers in the world cannot break the connection. A circus +is the boys' heaven. + +You may talk to him about the beautiful gates ajar, and the angel +band in heaven that plays around the great white throne, and he can't +understand it, but the least hint about the circus tent, with the flap +pulled to one side to get in, and the band wagon, and the girls jumping +through hoops, and the clown, and he is onto your racket at a jump. + +You may try to paralyze him by the story of Daniel in the den of lions, +and how he was saved by his faith in a power above, and the boy's mind +will revert to the circus, where a man in tights and spangles goes in +and bosses the lions and tigers around, and he will wonder if Daniel had +a rawhide, and backed out of the cage with his eye on the boss lion. + +At a certain age a circus can hold over heaven or anything else, in a +boy's mind, and as long as the circus does not hurt him, why not shut +up shop a half a day and let him go? If you keep him in school he won't +learn anything, and he will go to the circus in the evening, and be up +half the night seeing the canvas men tear down the tent and load up, and +the next day he is all played out and not worth a continental. To some +it would look foolish to dismiss school for a circus, but it will cement +a friendship between teachers and scholars that nothing else could. + +Suppose, a day or two before a circus arrives, the teacher should say to +the school: “Now I want you kids to go through your studies like a tramp +through a boiled dinner, and when the circus comes we will close up this +ranch and all go the circus, and if any of you can't raise the money to +go, leave your names on my desk and I will see you inside the tent if I +have to pawn my shirt.” + +Of course it is a male teacher we are supposing said this. Well, don't +you suppose those boys and girls would study? They would fairly whoop it +up. And then suppose the teacher found forty boys that hadn't any money +to go, and he had no school funds to be used for such a purpose. + +How long would it take him to collect the money by going around among +business men who had been boys themselves? He would go into a store and +say he was trying to raise money to take some of the poor children to +the circus, and a dozen hands would go down into a dozen pockets in two +jerks of a continued story, and they would all chip in. + +O, we are too smart. We are trying to fire education into boys with a +shotgun, when we ought to get it into them inside of sugar coated pills. +Let us turn over a new leaf now, and show these boys that we have got +souls in us, and that we want them to have a good time if we don't lay +up a cent. + + + + +A TRYING SITUATION. + +It was along in the winter, and the prominent church members were having +a business meeting in the basement of the church to devise ways and +means to pay for the pulpit furniture. The question of an oyster +sociable had been decided, and they got to talking about oysters, and +one old deaconess asked a deacon if he didn't think raw oysters would go +further, at a sociable, than stewed oysters. + +He said he thought raw oysters would go further but they wouldn't be as +satisfying. And then he went on to tell how far a raw oyster went once +with him. He said he was at a swell dinner party, with a lady on each +side of him, and he was trying to talk to both of them, or carry on two +conversations, on two different subjects, at the same time. + +They had some shell oysters, and he took up one on a fork--a large, fat +one--and was about to put it in his mouth, when the lady on his left +called his attention, and when the cold fork struck his teeth, and no +oyster on it, he felt as though it had escaped, but he made no sign. He +went on talking with the lady as though nothing had happened. He glanced +down at his shirt bosom, and was at once on the trail of the oyster, +though the insect had got about two minutes start of him. It had gone +down his vest, under the waistband of his clothing, and he was powerless +to arrest its progress. + +He said he never felt how powerless he was until he tried to grab that +oyster by placing his hand on his person, outside his clothes; then, as +the oyster slipped around from one place to another, he felt that man +was only a poor, weak creature. + +The oyster, he observed, had very cold feet, and the more he tried to be +calm and collected, the more the oyster seemed to walk around among his +vitals. + +He says he does not know whether the ladies noticed the oyster when it +started on its travels, or not, but he thought as he leaned back and +tried to loosen up his clothing, so it would hurry down towards his +shoes, that they winked at each other, though they might have been +winking at something else. + +The oyster seemed to be real spry until it got out of reach, and then it +got to going slow, as the slickery covering wore off, and by the time +it had worked into his trousers leg, it was going very slow, though it +remained cold to the last, and he hailed the arrival of that oyster into +the heel of his stocking with more delight than he did the raising of +the American flag over Vicksburg, after the long siege. + + +***** + + +The sleeping car companies are discussing the idea advanced by the +_Sun_, of placing safes in the cars, or iron drawers with locks, into +which passengers can place their watches and money. We trust the iron +drawers will be adopted, as the flannel drawers now used are not safe by +any means. It is true they are sometimes tied with a string in the small +of the back, but the combination is not difficult for even a stranger +to unlock, unless it is tied in a hard knot. Give us iron drawers in a +sleeping car by all means. To be sure they will be cold; but everything +is cold in a sleeping car except the colored porter. + + +***** + + +Several proprietors of eastern resorts have announced that only adults +will be entertained, and that no children will be admitted as guests on +any terms. At first we would be inclined to say that a hotel proprietor +who would make such a distinction could have no soul, but when we +reflect that the proprietor is catering to the pleasure of a majority of +his guests, then we conclude that the guests are devoid of souls. + +What kind of a place would a summer resort be without happy children? It +would be a hospital for decayed roues, very old maids, women who +hated children, smart Alecks who were mashers, dead beats and sour +curmudgeons. The day would be put in in gossiping, exercising old flirts +with stiff joints, drinking at somebody's expense, and fishing for rich +husbands with graveyard coughs, and angling for women who wanted to be +caught and didn't care a continental who caught them. + +The atmosphere about such a place would be a blizzard of heat and cold, +filled with fine sand, and would make a person with a heart, who loved +children, think he or she was in hell looking for an artesian well. + +A hotel proprietor who will thus insult the better part of the human +race, should be ignored entirely by all who love children, and he should +be compelled to stand on his deserted verandah all the season and see +his rival across the way, who entertains children, surrounded by +the richest and best guests, and the soulless creature, and the few +soulless, dyspeptic boarders that he has, should be obliged to listen +to the laughter of thousands of happy children running races and playing +tag up and down the lawn of the man who has a soul. + +No one who would patronize a summer hotel that refuses little children +a breath of God's fresh air should enjoy a moment's pleasure. Mosquitoes +should bore them, and country dogs should bark all night and keep them +awake. Be they male or female resorters, we pray for ants to crawl up +them, for bugs and worms to go down them, for snakes to frighten them +out of their boots or gaiters, for country cows to run them out of +pastures, and fleas to get inside their night gowns and practice the +lancers all night. May their food disagree with them, their clothes +fail to come back from the laundry, and their bandoline lose its staying +qualities. + +And may those at the house where children are welcome have health and +happiness, and may they get to heaven, eventually, with the children, +and while on the way up there may they throw a bundle of prepared +kindling wood into the pit below where the child haters are sighing for +zinc ulsters. + + + + +THE KIND OF A DOCTOR TO HAVE. + +A dispatch from Long Branch announces that “Dr. Bliss goes to New York +for a few hours today.” That is encouraging. If the doctors had kept +away from the President more he would have been better. He has had from +one to six doctors in sight, night and day, for over ten weeks. Take +a man here at home that is sick, and let a doctor go and stay with him +night and day, and how long do you suppose the man would live? + +What a sick man wants is to have a doctor go around practicing on other +people, and come in once or twice a day, blow off a little steam, slap +the patient on the leg and say, “Well, boss, how's your liver?” A sick +man wants to have a doctor forget to come some time when he is expected, +and get nervous about it, instead of getting nervous because the +pill-bags is there all the time, smelling of everything. + +Let a doctor that is due at the bedside at 4 o'clock, say, stay away +till 6, and then come in and tell about being down on the South Side +to see about somebody's having a sick baby, or to sew up a man that has +been to a circus, and the cross patient that has been waiting for the +doctor till he got mad, is better at once. It cheers him to know that +somebody else has a baby or had a gash cut in him in a fight, and +changes his mind about swearing at the doctor, and feels better. + +Why, some of our best doctors never think of curing a man until they get +him mad a few times. It braces a man up to get mad and think, “Now that +confounded old pill-bags has forgotten all about me, and I'll bet he is +in a saloon somewhere shaking the dice for the drinks.” A sick man gains +strength, actually, lying in bed and thinking how he would like to kick +the stuffin' out of a doctor. + +A doctor who has only one patient is a damage to the patient, and +Garfield has suffered more by having those doctors around when he ought +to have been left alone till he yearned for them, than anybody imagines. +Why, the feeling of a man's pulse for half an hour, and timing it as you +would a trotting horse, is enough to make a well man sick. What a doctor +wants to do is to feel of a man's pulse about one second, and then throw +the patient's hand down and say: “O, you are all right. We will have you +entered in a walking match next week.” + +He wants to say something of this kind if the man is dying. A doctor has +got to be a good deal of a liar, to succeed. We do not mean to say Bliss +is not a liar, but somehow he does not seem to display judgment. He is +too much of a stayer. Bliss is too frequent. + + + + +THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ABE TALKING ABOUT. + +A celebrated writer on the state of the country, has an article in a +magazine, in which occurs the following paragraph: + +“The defects of the New England girl may be done away with by giving +less prominence to the purely intellectual or purely practical side of +her education.” + +In the first place, we do not admit that there are any defects in the +Boston girl, but if there _are_ defects, as is alleged by the writer +above, and by other scientific persons, we do not see how giving less +prominence to her intellectuality is going to do away with them. For +instance, there is a defect in the girl whereby she has a shin on both +sides of her lower limb, or an indentation where there should be the +customary calf--we say calf advisedly, because it _is_ a calf, and no +person need be ashamed of it, even if it _is_ terrible slim--we don't +see how that defect can be done away with by giving less prominence to +the purely practical side of her education. It does not stand to reason. +Sawdust, or bran would be worth two of it. + +Or, again, suppose the New England girl has no hips to speak of, or her +stomach is caved in where there should be a fullness, is the giving of +less prominence to the purely intellectual side of her education going +to do away with these defects, or fill up the waste places and make them +glad? Not much! A sack of canary seed, or a rubber air cushion, or a +bale of cotton, beats the Boston idea all hollow, and we will leave it +to anybody that knows anything. + +Now, as to hair. Suppose the Boston girl has no more natural hair than +one of these Mexican dogs, is education going to raise a crop of hair? +Not by any means--she has got to buy it. + +No, you Boston magazine critters can theoretically take a plain, +unvarnished New England girl with these defects, and give all the +prominence you want to to the practical side of her education, and you +may imagine you can do away with these defects and make her pass muster +in a crowd, but when you get all through she will be homely as a stone +fence, and some western girl, with no defects at all, just a natural +born jolly girl, with not too much education and intellectuality, will +come along there, and all Boston will go crazy after her. + +You fellows don't seem to know what you are talking about. Well, +we don't know what we are talking about either, but we had to write +something to fill up with, and girls are the easiest things in the world +to write about. + + + + +A KANSAS CYCLONE. + +The little town of Clyde, Kansas, is mighty full of vinegar for a place +of its size. The principal amusement the boys have is to scare the +daylights out of visitors from the States by telling big stories about +cyclones. + +There are two young fellows in business there named Will May and Charley +Armstrong. They have a store where they buy butter, and eggs, and +things, and pack them for the Eastern market. Last June, Uncle +Armstrong, father of Charley, and a young fellow named Charley Farmer, +were out there visiting. The hosts entertained the guests to the most +hair-standing stories about cyclones, until they were so nervous they +couldn't sleep at night. + +One night the guests had retired, and the zephyr was pretty loud. Will +and Charley got into the room adjoining that occupied by the guests, and +began to talk about funnel-shaped clouds, trees torn up by the roots, +horses flying through the air, and wagons being taken up bodily and +carried away--talking so the guests could hear them. Then they prayed +for strength to pull them through the fearful ordeal; and, pretending +that a cyclone was upon them, they started down stairs head over +appetite, to get into the refrigerator, in the cellar, for safety, +yelling to the guests to fly for their lives. + +Uncle Armstrong is getting pretty well along in years, but he got down +to the cellar about ten stairs ahead of young Farmer, and asked to be +allowed to get into the refrigerator first. It seemed a little cruel +to the boys to let the guests get in there with nothing on but their +undershirts, but they were going to have some fun, so they put them in +among the cakes of ice, and Uncle Armstrong sat down on the zinc floor +and allowed that if his life was spared till morning, he would never set +foot in Kansas again. + +Young Farmer sat on a firkin of butter, and leaned against the zinc +lined side of the refrigerator, and tried to pray, but he had forgotten +the combination; and couldn't make a first payment. + +Will and Charley went up stairs ostensibly to lock the safe, but really +to go on with the programme. The first thing they did was to fire off +a shotgun, and roll a keg of shingle-nails down the cellar stairs, and +yell to the guests in the refrigerator to look out for God's sake, as +the house was struck by lightning. + +Young Farmer got down off the firkin, and got on his knees, and tried to +repeat some Sunday school lesson, but all he could think of was, “Evil +communications corrupt two in the bush.” The old gentleman, who was +struck in the small of the back by a piece of ice that fell off some +butter, thought he was struck by lightning; so he began to sing, “A +charge to keep I have.” + +The boys up stairs got a bag of buckshot, and opened it, and every +little while would throw a handful onto the outside cellar door, right +above the heads of the freezing occupants of the refrigerator, at the +same time pounding a piece of sheet iron to make thunder. They kept this +up for an hour, and then got a barrel and filled it with broken glass +and pieces of crockery, and they would roll it across the floor above, +while one would take an ax and pound on some bar iron that was leaning +against the wall, making a most hideous noise. + +Charley Farmer said he supposed he was as well prepared to die as he +ever would be, but he said he would give ten dollars if he had his pants +down there. + +Uncle Armstrong asked him what difference it made whether he had his +pants on or not, and Charley said he didn't want to be ushered into +the New Jerusalem with all his sins on his head, before the angels, and +nothing on but a knit undershirt. + +They were discussing this question when they gave vent to a dying groan, +closed their eyes, and then all was still. + +The prisoners thought it was all over, and they didn't stir for about +ten minutes. They thought the house had blown away, and left them alive, +and they were inclined to be thankful even for that; when Charley and +Will came down and opened the refrigerator, and told them the storm +was over, but that it was the almightiest cyclone that ever passed over +Kansas. + + + + +HOW JEFF DAVIS WAS CAPTURED. + +The accounts of the capture of Jeff Davis, in his wife's clothes, which +have been published ever since the war, have caused many to laugh, +and has surrounded the last days of the confederacy with a halo of +ludicrousness that has caused much hard feeling between Mr. Davis and +the American people. His friends would have been much better pleased if +he had bared his breast to the cavalryman who captured him, and been run +through with a sabre, and died with some proud last words on his lips, +such as, “Who will care for mother now,” or “The cause is lost. Send out +a search warrant to find it.” + +It was a terribly ridiculous ending to a great struggle, the way we have +been in the habit of reading the story, but now we have a new light on +the subject. Mr. Davis has written a book on the war, and in it he gives +the following particulars of his capture and the bravery he displayed. +Instead of sneaking off in his wife's petticoat, after a pail of +spring water, Mr. Davis describes that escape as being almost a bloody +encounter. He says: + +“I had gone perhaps fifteen or twenty yards when a trooper galloped up +and ordered me to halt and surrender, to which I gave a defiant answer, +and, dropping the shawl and raglan from my shoulders, advanced toward +him. He leveled his carbine at me, but I expected if he fired he would +miss me, and my intention was, in that event, to put my hand under +his foot, tumble him off on the other side, spring into his saddle and +attempt to escape. My wife, who had been watching, when she saw the +soldier aim his carbine at me, ran forward and threw her arms around +me. Success depended on instantaneous action, and, recognizing that the +opportunity had been lost, I turned back, and, the morning being damp +and chilly, passed on to a fire beyond the tent.” + +This puts an entirely different face on the affair, and instead of +being a childish coward, he represents himself to have been an arch +conspirator, who disguised himself as a female to get a good chance to +throw a boy off his horse and steal the horse. We can only admire the +calm determination of the man, as he stood there waiting for the boy to +shoot, so he could rush up, unarmed, put his hand under the soldier's +foot, tip him off the horse, get on himself, without receipting to the +government for the horse, and skedaddle. + +It is not necessary to inquire what the boy would have been doing all +the time Jeff was pulling him off the horse. We all know how easy it is +for an unarmed old man to spill a healthy soldier off a horse. We can +readily see that the soldier could not have whacked the old fellow over +the head with the empty carbine, or drawn his sabre and run him through, +or given him a few shots out of a revolver. + +Jeff had, no doubt, arranged in his own mind to chloroform the bold +Michigan cavalryman, but his wife broke it all up by throwing her arms +around him at an inopportune moment, thus pinioning the President of the +Confederacy so he could not whip the Union army. And so, like Adam, Jeff +lays the whole business to the woman. What would we do without women to +lay everything to? + +And while Jeff must ever doubt the judgment of his wife in breaking up +his plans at that trying moment, when so much was at stake, how that +soldier, whose life was saved by her act, must revere her, memory! +Had the woman not held Jeff the soldier must have been pitched off his +horse, and striking on his head, he must have been killed. + +Mr. Davis does not say so, but we have no doubt his plan was to have the +soldier strike on his head on a projecting root or stone, so he would be +killed. If there should be another war, we should never join the cavalry +branch of the service unless there was an understanding that no old men, +armed with petticoats and tin water pails, should be allowed to charge +on cavalrymen and throw them off their horses. + +It is said that during the late war no man ever saw a dead cavalryman, +but if the tactics of Mr. Davis had been adopted early in the war, the +mortality must have been fearful, and perhaps the result of the war +would have been different. We cannot be too thankful that Jeff didn't +think of that way of demoralizing cavalry before. + + + + +THOSE BOLD, BAD DRUMMERS. + +About seventy-five traveling men were snowed in at Green Bay during a +late blockade, and they were pretty lively around the hotels, having +quiet fun Friday and Saturday, and passing away the time the best they +could, some playing seven up, others playing billiards, and others +looking on. Some of the truly good people in town thought the boys were +pretty tough, and they wore long faces and prayed for the blockade to +raise so the spruce looking chaps could go away. + +The boys noticed that occasionally a lantern-jawed fellow would look +pious at them, as though afraid he would be contaminated, so Sunday +morning they decided to go to church in a body. Seventy-five of them +slicked up and marched to the Rev. Dr. Morgan's church, where the +reverend gentleman was going to deliver a sermon on temperance. No +minister ever had a more attentive audience, or a more intelligent one, +and when the collection plate was passed every last one of the travelers +chipped in a silver dollar. + +When the sexton had received the first ten dollars the perspiration +stood out on his forehead as though he had been caught in something. It +was getting heavy, something that never occurred before in the history +of church collections at the Bay. As he passed by the boys, and dollar +after dollar was added to his burden, he felt like he was at a picnic, +and when twenty-five dollars had accumulated on the plate he had to hold +it with both hands, and finally the plate was full, and he had to go and +empty it on the table in front of the pulpit, though he was careful to +remember where he left off, so he wouldn't go twice to the same drummer. + +As he poured the shekels out on the table, as still as he could, every +person in the audience almost raised up to look at the pile, and there +was a smile on every face, and every eye turned to the part of the +church where sat the seventy-five solemn looking traveling men, who +never smole a smile. The sexton looked up to the minister, who was +picking out a hymn, as much as to say, “Boss, we have struck it rich, +and I am going back to work the lead some more.” The minister looked +at the boys, and then at the sexton as though saying, “Verily, I would +rather preach to seventy-five Milwaukee and Chicago drummers than to own +a brewery. Go, thou, and reap some more trade dollars in my vineyard.” + +The sexton went back and commenced where he left off. He had his +misgivings, thinking maybe some of the boys would glide out in his +absence, or think better of the affair and only put in nickels on +the second heat, but the first man the sexton held out the platter +to planked down his dollar, and all the boys followed suit, not a man +“passed” or “ra nigged,” and when the last drummer had been interviewed +the sexton carried the biggest load of silver back to the table that he +ever saw. + +Some of the silver dollars rolled off on the floor, and he had to put +some in his coat pockets, but he got them all, and looked around at the +congregation with a smile and wiped the perspiration off his forehead +with a bandanna handkerchief and winked, as much as to say, “The first +man that speaks disrespectfully of a traveling man in my presence will +get thumped, and don't you forget it.” + +The minister rose up in the pulpit, looked at the wealth on the table, +and read the hymn, “A charge to keep I have,” and the congregation +joined, the travelers swelling the glad anthem as though they belonged +to a Pinafore chorus. They all bowed their heads while the minister, +with one eye on the dollars, pronounced the benediction, and the +services were over. + +The traveling men filed out through the smiles of the ladies and went to +the hotel, while half the congregation went forward to the anxious seat, +to “view the remains.” It is safe to say that it will be unsafe, in the +future, to speak disparagingly of traveling men in Green Bay, as long +as the memory of that blockade Sunday remains green with the good people +there. + + + + +ANGELS OR EAGLES. + +We are told that in the revision of the Bible the passage, “And I +beheld an angel flying through the midst of heaven,” has been changed to +“eagle,” and that all allusions to angels have been changed to “eagles.” + This knocks the everlasting spots out of the angel business, and the +poetry of wanting to be an angel, “and with the angels stand,” has +become the veriest prose. + +We have never had any particular desire to stand with angels, not this +year, but there was a certain beauty in the idea that we would all be +angels when we got through whooping it up down here and went to heaven. + +Particularly was this the case with children and women, and old persons, +and to have the angel business wiped out by a lot of white chokered +revisers is too much. There are many of us that would never make very +attractive angels, unless we were altered over a good deal, and made +smaller. + +Some of us, to pass current among angels, would have to wear wigs. How +would a male bald-headed angel, with a red nose, and one eye gone, look +flying a match through the blue ethereal space with a trim built girl +angel? The other angels would just sit around on the ground, picking pin +feathers out of their wings, and laugh so a fellow would want to go off +somewhere and get behind a tree and condemn his luck. + +There are few men who would be improved by fastening wings on their +shoulder blades, and we never believed they could make the thing work, +but the preachers have kept pounding it into us until we all got an idea +there would be some process that could transform us into angels that +would pass in a crowd. + +Now, you take Long John Wentworth, of Chicago, a man seven feet high, +and weighing four hundred pounds. What kind of an angel would he make? +They would have to put wings on him as big as a side show tent, or he +never could make any headway. Just imagine John circling around over +the New Jerusalem, until he saw a twenty dollar gold piece loose in the +pavement of the golden streets. He would cut loose and go down there so +quick it would break him all up. + +And then suppose angel Storey, of the _Times_, and angel Medill, of the +_Tribune_, should have got their eyes on that loose gold piece, and +got there about the same time before angel John arrived, and should be +quarreling over it? John would knock Storey over onto a hydrant with one +wing, and mash angel Medill in the gutter with the other, and take the +gold piece in his toes and fly off to where the choir was singing, and +break them all up singing, “You'll never miss the water till the well +runs dry.” + +We have never taken a great deal of stock in the angel doctrine, because +we knew pretty well what kind of material they would have to be made of, +but we had rather be an angel than an eagle. Who the deuce wants to +die and be an eagle, like “Old Abe,” and eat rats? In a heaven full of +eagles there would be the worst clawing that ever was, and the air would +be full of feathers. Eagles won't do, and the revisers ought to have +known it. + +If we have got to be anything let us insist on being angels, via the +Bible, and then we can have some fun. With big flocks of angels, and +good weather, and nothing to do but to sing praises and browse around to +pass away the time, and no rent to pay, and no bills of any kind to +keep track of, it does seem as though some of us could think of some +tableaux, or picnic, or something to have a good time, but let us strike +on being eagles, revisers or no revisers. + + + + +AN ACCIDENT ALL ABOUND. + +A most ridiculous scene occurred at a church in Newcastle, Penn., +one Sunday, a short time ago. A policeman was passing the church as a +gentleman came out. The man jokingly accosted the policeman and said he +was wanted inside meaning that he would be glad to have him turn from +the error of his ways, and seek the truth and enjoy a peace that passeth +all understanding. The stupid policeman thought there was some trouble +in the church, so he went in. + +The sexton, seeing a policeman, was anxious to give him a favorable +seat, so he said, “Come right in here,” and he took him into a pew and +waved his hand as much as to say, “Help yourself.” There was another +man in the pew, a deacon with a sinister expression, as the policeman +thought, and he supposed that was the man they wanted arrested, so he +tapped the deacon on the arm and told him to go into the aisle. The +deacon struggled, thinking the policeman was crazy, and tried to get +away, but he was dragged along. Many of the congregation thought that +the deacon had been doing something wrong, and some of them got behind +the deacon and helped the officer fire him out. + +Arriving at the lock-up, the policeman saw the man who told him he +was wanted in the church and asked him what the charge was against the +deacon, and he didn't know, so the sexton was appealed to, and he didn't +know, and finally the prisoner was asked what it was all about, and he +didn't know. + +The policeman was asked what he arrested the man for, and he didn't +know, and after awhile the matter was explained, and the policeman, who +had to arrest somebody, took the man into custody who told him he was +wanted in the church, and he was fined five dollars and costs. + +He says he will never try to convert a policeman again, and the +policeman says he will never go into a church again if they get to +knocking each other down with hymn books. + + + + +PRIZE FIGHTING AND MORMONISM. + +The trouble that is usually experienced by prize fighters in finding a +place where they can fight unmolested must have been apparent to all, +and _The Sun_ would suggest a way out of the difficulty. + +Let the government set apart a portion of the public domain, near some +military post, and enact a law that prize fighting shall be no more +unlawful than polygamy, or stealing from the government. If prize +fighters can have the same immunity from arrest and punishment that +polygamists and defaulters have, it is all they ask, and it seems not +unreasonable to ask it. + +Certainly a prize fighter in whipping a friend to raise money to support +one wife and one set of children, when the other fellow is willing to +take the chances of being whipped, is not as bad as a praying old cuss +who marries from twenty to forty feeble minded females and raises a +flock of narrow headed children to turn loose after a while, with not +much more brain than goslings. + +If two men want to go out and enjoy “life, liberty and the pursuit of +happiness,” by mauling each others faces, why should they be pulled, and +let an official who steals half a million dollars from the government, +give a New Year's reception? The thing does not look right to a man who +believes that this is a free country, and that every man is endowed with +certain inalienable rights, among which is the right to pay his debts. + +Another thing, the government, if it decided to set apart certain ground +for prize fights, might create the office of “referee,” and appoint +some honest, square man, who applied for a consulship and there was no +vacancy, to the position, with a good salary. What prize fighters +need is a referee that can be depended on, and it would be no worse to +appoint a government referee than it would to give breech loading arms +and ammunition to Indians to go on the war-path with. + +Prize fighting does not do any harm. If one of the principals is +killed, which does not often occur, the government is so much ahead. The +government would furnish the poison if Mormons would kill themselves. +Why not furnish prize fighters an opportunity to climb the golden +stairs? The fact of it is, as a people we oppose prize fighting because +it is “brutal,” and we go to a wrestling match where men hurt themselves +twice as much as they would if they stood up and knocked each other +down. We cry out against prize fights, and yet a majority of the male +population would walk ten miles to see a prize fight when they wouldn't +ride a mile to attend church. + +We wish men would not fight, but if they want to they should either be +allowed to, or else all other kinds of foolishness should be suppressed. +If every respectable business man in this country could box as well as +Sullivan there would not be as much crime as there is to-day. Suppose +all the men that have been robbed in the past year by cowardly sand +baggers, could have “put up their hands,” and knocked the robbers +into the middle of next week, wouldn't there be fewer headaches and +heartaches, fewer widows mourning their murdered husbands, and fewer +orphans? + +It is against the law to carry weapons, and yet if a man opens a +boxing-school to teach men to defend themselves, and fit them so they +can knock the hind sights off a robber, he is frowned upon. We want to +see the time when every young man has got muscle, and knows how to use +it, and then there will be fewer outrages. If a respectable citizen has +a daughter that is the pride of his heart, he had rather she would go to +a theatre or a party with a man who can protect her with his strong +arm than with an effeminate curiosity that has his brain parted in the +middle, and who would be afraid to meet a dwarf in the dark. + +We advise every boy who reads _The Sun_ to throw away the revolver he +has bought to carry in his pistol pocket, or sell it to some coward, and +use the money to hire somebody to teach him to box, and to strike a +blow that will make any person sick to his stomach who insults the boy's +sister. Just depend your muscle to get through the world. If the boy's +people are truly good and want him to go to Sunday-school he should do +it, and learn all that is good, but he should want a little exercise +with his hands between meals, and learn the efficacy of two fists, for +sometimes they come handy. + +We have heard of cases in prayer meetings where deacons got to fighting, +even in this State, and a fellow that could use his fists best stood up +the longest, though a chair was used by the opponent. We know ministers +in Wisconsin who are good boxers, and while they would not teach boxing +from the pulpit, they would not object to see every boy know how. Since +the tramps have been knocking people down in Indianapolis, we have been +anxious to hear that one of them has tackled our old friend, Rev. Myron +Reed; as we know that tramp would go to the hospital dead sure. Boys, +learn to box. + + + + +MISDEAL IN A SLEEPING CAR. + +There is one thing about sleeping cars that should be changed, and that +is the number of the berth should be on the curtain, so when a man gets +up in the night to go out to the back end of the car and look out into +the night to see if the stars are shining, and he gets through seeing +if the stars are shining, and goes back, he will not get into the wrong +berth. + +Since the other night we have not wondered that on a similar occasion, +at the dead hour of night, as it is reported, the truly good Mr. +Beecher, who left his berth to see the porter, and ask him about how +long it would be before they got there, returned to what he supposed +was his own berth, and sat down on the side of it to remove his +trouserloons, and by a scream was notified that he was in the wrong +pew. We attach no blame to Mr. Beecher, and would defend him to the last +breath, because to a man whose mind is occupied with great thoughts, the +berths all look alike. Neither do we blame Miss Anthony for screaming. +She could not know in the imperfect light that was vouchsafed her in a +sleeping car, that it was a mistake. She had no time to argue; it was +a case where immediate decision was necessary, and she did right to +scream--she could not do otherwise. But when vile men tell us, as they +draw down their eyelids and wink, that it was “a mistake the way the +woman kept tavern in Michigan,” they do an injustice to a noble preacher +who has been lied about, and who has better judgment than to do so +knowingly. + +So we say that anybody is liable to err; but if anybody had told us, +when that woman from Pere Marquette, with a hare lip, and a foot like +a fiddle box, got into the berth next to ours, that in the dead hour of +night we should be sitting down on the selvage of her berth, we should +have killed him. + +We are more than ever struck by the old adage that the ways of +Providence are inscrutable, and past finding the right berth. We had +gone out to the back part of the car, and stood in our stocking feet on +the cold zinc floor for a couple or three minutes, looking out upon +the beautiful Michigan landscape and waterscape, as the train passed +Michigan City, and had asked the porter if there was any bar on the +train, and had returned up the aisle to find our berth. + +Pulling aside the curtains we sat down, and were about to throw our hind +leg up into the sheets, when a cold, hard hand, calloused like a horn +spoon, grabbed hold of the small of our back, and two piercing eyes shot +sharp glances at our human frame. + +One look was enough to show that we had opened the wrong curtains. Every +second we expected that a female scream would split the air wide +open, that the passengers would tumble out of the berths, and that the +conductor would have us arrested for coalition with intent to deceive. +It seemed years that we sat there with that cold hand grasping the +situation, and we would have given half our fortune to have been in the +bunk just one remove towards Canada. + +All things have an end, and just as we were imagining that the woman +with the hare lip was feeling around with her disengaged hand to draw +from its concealment in her corset, a carving knife, with which to cut +a couple of slices off our liver, a voice said, “Well, what in Kalamazoo +are you doing in this berth, anyway?” + +The porter came along with a lantern, and we looked at the woman with a +hare lip and a bass voice, and it was not a woman at all, but a Detroit +drummer for a stove house. Finding that we were not a midnight assassin, +nor a woman, the drummer let go of the small of our back, and we got +into our own berth; but it was a narrow escape; the woman with the hare +lip was in the upper berth. We found that out in the morning when she +talked through her nose at the porter about fetching a step ladder for +her to climb down on. + + + + +PARALYSIS IN A THEATRE + +Inasmuch as there seems to be no other business before the house, we +desire, Mr. Speaker, to arise to a personal explanation. There was +something occurred at the Opera House, the last night that the Rice +Surprise Party played “Revels,” that placed us in a wrong position +before the public. + +Mr. Gunning, the scene painter, had prided himself that the +transformation scene that he had fixed up for the play was about as nice +as could be, and as we confessed that we had only got an imperfect view +of it, the night before, from one side of the house, he insisted that +we take a seat right in front of the stage, in the parquette, and get a +good view of it. + +There were a good many legs in the show, and we didn't want to sit right +down in front all the evening, so we compromised the matter by +agreeing to sit in the dress circle until it was about time for the +transformation scene, and then, after the giddy girls had all been +behind the scenes, we would go down and take a front seat, right back of +the orchestra, and take in the transformation scene. + +Well, they had got through with the high kicking, and all gone off, +except one girl, a gipsy, who was going to sing a song, and then a bell +would ring and the whole stage effects would change as if by magic. When +she had got to the end of her song and had waltzed off to the left, we +got up and walked down in front, and took one of a whole row of vacant +seats, put on our spectacles, and were ready. Do you know, every cuss in +that audience saw us go down there? They all thought we had gone there +to be nearer the dizzy tights, and they began to clap their hands and +cheer. We think Chapin, the lawyer, who doesn't like us very well, +started it, and every kid in the gallery took it up, and the house +fairly rung with applause at the sight of our bald head well down in +front. We never felt so mean since we quit stealing sheep. + +The crowd laughed and hi-hi'd, and the stage manager took the applause +for an _encore_, and ordered the girl to go out and sing some more. She +knew better, knew they were guying the bald-headed man in front, and all +the troupe knew it, and the girls put their heads out from the wings and +laughed; but the girl came out and sung again. If she didn't wink at us +when she came out, then we don't know what a wink is, and we have been +around some, too. + +She sang some confounded love song, such as “Darling, Kiss My Eye +Winkers Down,” or “Hold the Fort,” or something, and kept looking at us +every moment, and smiling like a church sociable. The crowd took it all +in, too. Her dress was cut decolette, or low necked at the bottom, and +we were nearer to the angelic choir than a bald headed man of family +ever ought to be, but there was no help for it. She was the only girl +in the troupe that wore black tights, and we thanked our stars for that, +but even with all those mitigating circumstances in our favor the affair +had a bad look, and we admit it. Of course any one would know that we +wouldn't go out of our way to see any black stockings, but it looked as +though we had, to the crowd. + +We have faced death on many a field of carnage, but we never knew what +it was to want to be away from a place quite so much as then. If you +know how a man feels when he is stricken with paralysis, or a piece of +a brick house, you can imagine something about it. We tried to put on a +pious look, a deaconish sort of expression, like a man who is passing +a collection plate in church, but the blushes on our face did not look +deaconish at all. We tried to look far away, and think of the hereafter, +or the heretofore, but that Gipsy warbling “Darling Eyes of Marine +Blue,” and forty girls in the wings making up faces, and five hundred +people back of us having fun at our expense was too much, and we just +wanted to die. If there had been a trap door to let us down into the +beer saloon below, we would have taken passage on it in a minute. + +But she finally got through singing, the transformation scene came on, +and we went back to our seat in the dress circle, a changed man, and +we never looked at a person in the audience after that, but when the +performance was over and we came out, and Chapin said, “Hello, old man, +guess we got even with you that time,” we felt like murdering somebody +in cold blood and feathers. Hereafter if anybody ever catches us taking +a front seat at a leg drama, they can take it out of our wages. Mr. +Speaker, we have spoken. + + + + +THE QUEEREST NAME. + +There is a case in Chicago where a young man is going to apply to have +his name changed. The man's name is Easus, and he is now about eighteen +years old, and just beginning to go into society. It is alleged that +he was engaged to be married to an heiress, but she has broken off the +engagement until he can get his name changed. She was not very much +mashed on the name, anyway, and Monday night, as she was with him coming +out of Haverly's Theatre, something happened that broke her all up. + +The young man's father was a pious man, and he named his son Abijah. +His companion nicknamed him “Bige.” Coming out of the theatre with his +intended on his arm, an old friend, a drummer for a Chicago grocery +house, happened to see him, and he went up to him and said, “Why, Bije +Easus, how are you?” Young Mr. Easus shook hands with his friend, and +introduced him to his girl, and she looked at the profane drummer out +of one corner of her eye and trembled for his soul as she thought how he +would be sure to go to hell when he died. + +Mr. Easus explained to his friend as they walked out of the building, +that he was engaged to the girl, and when they parted at the platform +of the street car the drummer grabbed her by the hand and shook it as a +terrier would a rat and said, “Well, Mrs. Bije Easus, that is to be, let +me wish you many happy returns.” + +Mr. Easus colored up, the girl was as mad as a wet hen when she pried +her fingers apart, and they rode home in silence. At the gate she said +to him, “Bije Easus, I never till to-night knew what a horrid name I was +going to take upon myself, and I have made up my mind that I cannot go +through the remainder of my natural life in Chicago, being alluded to as +a 'little female Bije Easus.' Mr. Easus, I trust we part friends. If you +can come to me by any other name, you would be sweet, but Bije Easus +I will never have on my calling cards.” The young man has employed a +lawyer and will have his name changed. The girl had a narrow escape, and +she may thank the drummer for calling her attention to it. + + + + +CHURCH KENO. + +While the most of our traveling men, our commercial tourists, are nice +Christian gentlemen, there is occasionally one that is as full of the +old Nick as an egg at this time of year is full of malaria. There was +one of them stopped at a country town a few nights ago where there was a +church fair. He is a blonde, good-natured looking, serious talking chap, +and having stopped at that town every month for a dozen years, everybody +knows him. He always chips in towards a collection, a wake or a rooster +fight, and the town swears by him. + +He attended the fair, and a jolly little sister of the church, a married +lady, took him by the hand and led him through green fields, where the +girls sold him ten cent chances in saw dust dolls, and beside still +waters, where a girl sold him sweetened water with a sour stomach, for +lemonade, from Rebecca's well. The sister finally stood beside him while +the deacon was reading off numbers. They were drawing a quilt, and as +the numbers were drawn all were anxious to know who drew it. Finally, +after several numbers were drawn it was announced by the deacon that +number fifteen drew the quilt, and the little sister turned to the +traveling man and said, “My! that is my number. I have drawn it. What +shall I do?” “Hold up your ticket and shout keno,” said he. + +The little deaconess did not stop to think that there might be guile +lurking in the traveling man, but being full of joy at drawing the +quilt, and ice cream because the traveling man bought it, she rushed +into the crowd towards the deacon, holding her number, and shouted so +they could hear it all over the house, “_Keno!_” + +If a bank had burst in the building there couldn't have been so much +astonishment. The deacon turned pale and looked at the poor little +sister as though she had fallen from grace, and all the church people +looked sadly at her, while the worldly minded people snickered. The +little woman saw that she had got her foot into something, and she +blushed and backed out, and asked the traveling man what keno meant. He +said he didn't know exactly, but he had always seen people, when they +won anything at that game, yell “keno.” She isn't exactly clear yet +what keno is, but she says she has sworn off on taking advice from pious +looking traveling men. They call her “Little Keno” now. + + + + +THE ADVENT PREACHER AND THE BALLOON. + +There occasionally occurs an incident in this world that will make a +person laugh though the laughing may border on the sacrilegious. For +instance, there is not a Christian but will smile at the ignorance of +the Advent preacher up in Jackson county who, when he saw the balloon of +King, the balloonist, going through the air, thought it was the second +coming of Christ, and got down on his knees and shouted to King, who +was throwing out a sand bag, while his companion was opening a bottle of +export beer, “O, Jesus, do not pass me by.” + +And yet it is wrong to laugh at the poor man, who took an advertising +agent for a Chicago clothing store for the Savior, who he supposed was +making his second farewell tour. The minister had been preaching the +second coming of Christ until he looked for Him every minute. He would +have been as apt to think, living as he did in the back woods, that a +fellow riding a bicycle, with his hair and legs parted in the middle, +along the country road, was the object of his search. + +We should pity the poor man for his ignorance, we who believe that when +Christ _does_ come He will come in the old fashioned way, and not in a +palace car, or straddle of the basket of a balloon. But we can't help +wondering what the Adventist must have thought, when he appealed to his +Savior, as he supposed, and the balloonist shied a sand bag at him and +the other fellow in the basket threw out a beer bottle and asked, “Where +in ------ are we?” + +The Adventist must have thought that the Savior of mankind was traveling +in mighty queer company, or that He had taken the other fellow along as +a frightful example. And what could the Adventist have thought when he +saw a message thrown out of the balloon, and went with trembling limbs +and beating heart to pick it up, believing that it was a command from +on high to sinners, and found that it was nothing but a hand bill for a +Chicago hand-me-down clothing store. + +He must have come to the conclusion that the Son o Man had got pretty +low down to take a job of bill posting for a reversible ulster and +paper collar bazar. It must have been food for reflection for the Advent +preacher, as he picked up the empty beer bottle, shied at him from the +chariot that he supposed carried to earth the redeemer of man. He must +have wondered if some-Milwaukee brewer ad not gone to heaven and opened +a brewery. + +Of course we who are intelligent, and who would know a balloon if we saw +it, would not have had any such thoughts, but we must remember that +this poor Advent preacher thought that the day had come that had been +promised so long, and that Christ was going to make a landing in a +strong Republican county. We may laugh at the Adventist's disappointment +that the balloon did not tie up to a stump and take him on board, but it +was a serious matter to him. + +He had been waiting for the wagon, full of hope, and when it came, and +he saw the helmet on King's head and thought it was a crown of glory, +his heart beat with joy, and he plead in piteous accents not to be +passed by, and the confounded gas bag went on and landed in a cranberry +marsh, and the poor, foolish, weak, short-sighted man had to get in his +work mighty lively to dodge the sand bags, beer bottles, and rolls of +clothing store posters. + +The Adventist would have been justified in renouncing his religion and +joining the Democratic party. It is sad, indeed. + + + + +THE CAUSE OF RHEUMATISM. + +One of the most remarkable things in medical science is a discovery +recently made by a Philadelphia physician When so many hundreds of years +pass over without any new discovery being made, and when one _is_ made, +like vaccination, and they are not dead sure whether it amounts to +anything or not, a new discovery that the discoverer will swear by is +a big thing. This Philadelphia doctor has discovered that rheumatism is +the direct result of cold feet. + +There is no discovery that has ever been made in the human anatomy that +stands to reason any more than this. Many thousands of men are going +around crippled and bent with rheumatism, and suffering untold agonies, +and they have never known what caused their bones to ache. Of course +they knew that their wives had cold feet, but they had no idea that +every time those No. 2 icicles were placed in the small of the back to +get warm that they were sowing the seeds of rheumatism. + +We presume there is a hundred pounds of male rheumatism to every square +inch of cold female foot, and the Philadelphia doctor should be thanked +by men of rheumatic tendencies as well as by women of arctic pedal +extremities for this timely discovery. There is no woman who enjoys +seeing her husband in the throes of rheumatic pains, and now that they +know that their cold feet have brought about so much suffering, we trust +they will try and lead a different life. + +Of course we do not expect any woman is going to bed and leave her feet +out on the floor, or under a coal stove. This could not be expected. But +they can adopt some method to soften the rigors of a hard winter. They +can paint their feet a nice warm color or have a summer sunset painted +on the instep, or a fire-place on the bottom of their feet. Anything +that will make their feet seem warm will be a relief to their rheumatic +husbands. A pair of zinc overshoes to wear in bed would help some very +cold feet several degrees. + +Men are too valuable to be crippled up with rheumatism just for the +temporary comfort they can confer upon their wives by allowing the small +of their backs to be used in lieu of a grate fire. We trust that the +cold footed portion of our female population will look at this matter in +its true light, and if necessary leave their feet in the porter's room +at bed time and get a check for them. + + + + +HOW A GROCERY MAN WAS MAIMED. + +The shooting of the grocery man at Appleton, by the man to whom he +presented a bill, reminds us of the only grocery man we ever maimed for +presenting a bill. His name was Smith, and he lived at La Crosse. We +presume there have been meaner men built than this man Smith was at that +time, though how it could be possible we cannot see. We had run up quite +a bill at his grocery, and were willing to keep trading right along, but +somehow he got wormy, and said that this thing had to stop. + +We told him we never traded with him because we wanted his goods, but +just to give him the benefit of our society, and we pointed out to him +the injury it would be to his business to have us quit trading at his +store. We told him that people would think that he had cheated us, and +they would not come there any more. He said he knew it would be pretty +tough, but he would try and struggle along under it. + +Well, there was no use arguing, and finally by helping him do his chores +we got the bill all paid but a dollar and a half, and then he began his +persecutions. He called us a baldheaded old catamaran. He would follow +us into a saloon, when some one treated, and take our glass of beer, +and say he would give us credit on account. He would catch our dog and +propose to cut a piece of his tail off, and give us credit at so much an +inch. + +He would meet us coming out of church, and right before folks he would +ask us to go down to the brewery and play pedro. He would say he would +come up to our house for dinner some time, and everything wicked. One +day we stopped at his store to enjoy his society, and eat crackers and +cheese--for be it known we never took offence at him, in fact we sort of +liked the old cuss--when he told us to take a seat and talk it over. + +We sat down on a cracker box that had bees wax on it, and after a heated +discussion on finances, found that we had melted about two pounds of wax +on our trousers, and Smith insisted on charging it up to us. This was +the last hair, and when he called us a diabolical, hot-headed guthoogen +our warm southern blood began to boil. We seized a codfish that had been +hanging in front of the store until it had become as hard and sharp as a +cleaver, and we struck him. + +The sharp edge of the codfish struck him on the second joint of the +forefinger, and cut the finger off as clean as it could have been done +with a razor. + +He said that settled it, and he gave us a receipt in full, and ever +afterwards we were firm friends. + +One thing he insists on, even now, and that is in telling people who +ask him how he lost his finger, that he wore it off rubbing out seven-up +marks on a table while playing pedro. + +He is now trying to lead a different life, being city clerk of La +Crosse, but this article will remind him of old times, and he can +remember with what an air of injured innocence we wiped the blood off +that codfish and hung it up for a sign, and how Smith sold it the next +day to Frank Hatch for a liver pad. No, thank you, we don't drink. + + + + +CAMP MEETING IN THE DARK OF THE MOON. + +A Dartford man, who has been attending a camp meeting at that place, +inquires of the Brandon _Times_ why it is that camp meetings are always +held when the moon does not shine. The _Times_ man gives it up, and +refers the question to _The Sun_. We give it up. + +It does not seem as though managers of camp meetings deliberately +consult the almanac in order to pick out a week for camp meeting in the +dark of the moon, though such meetings are always held when the moon +is of no account. If they do, then there is a reason for it. It is well +known that pickerel bite best in the dark of the moon, and it is barely +possible that sinners “catch on” better at that time. + +There may be something in the atmosphere, in the dark of the moon, that +makes a camp meeting more enjoyable. Certainly brethren and sisterin' +can mingle as well if not better when there is no glaring moon to molest +and make them afraid, and they can relate their experience as well as +though it was too light. + +The prayers of the righteous avail as much in the darkness of the closet +as they do in an exposition building, with an electric light, and as +long as sinners will do many things which they ought not to do, and undo +many, things that they never ought to have done, the dark of the moon is +probably the most healthy. + +People don't want to be sunburnt in the night. It seems to us as +though the work of converting could be done as well in a full moon, but +statistics show that such is not the case, and we are willing to give +the camp meeting attendants the benefit of the doubt. + +Again, it may be that the moon is to blame. No one would blame the moon, +if it was full, and looked down on an ordinary camp meeting, if it got +sick at the stomach, staggered behind a cloud, turned pale and refused +to come out until the camp meeting was pulled by the police. + + + + +ANOTHER VIEW OF THE CASK + +A new face has been put on the killing of old Mr. Utley, in Green Lake +county, by his son, since the son has made his statement. At the time +the first news was received we felt inclined to lay it up against young +Mr. Utley, as there is nothing that hurts our feelings worse than to +hear that a boy in the first flush of manhood, when the pin feathers are +just appearing on his upper jaw and when the world is all before him to +conquer and lay at his feet, has deliberately shot six No. 40 calibre +bullets into various places in the person of his venerable father, who +has nurtured him from childhood, stored his mind with useful knowledge, +or perchance played mumblety peg with a shingle across the place where +in later years another father may plant oblong pieces of leather, +because of his habit of leaning his youthful stomach across the gate +whereon swings a gentle maiden belonging to this other father, the while +giving her glucose in regard to a beautiful castle that he will rear +with his own hands on a commanding eminence, surrounded with vines and +roses, into the golden portals of which he will usher her and empty into +her lap the precious treasures of the orient, when the cuss knows that +he will never be able to earn more than twelve shillings a day on a farm +the longest day he lives, and that if she marries him she will have to +take in stairs to scrub and cook liver over an oil stove, and wear the +same dress she is married in till it will stand alone. We say that we +are opposed to young men killing their fathers. It has never seemed +right to us. But since the supplemental returns in this case are all in, +and we learn that old Mr. Utley was a drunken bulldozer who would take +the farm horses and go off to town on a three days' drunk, leaving the +young man to do all the work, and come back complaining because the work +was not done, and if the boy attempted to explain, he would be knocked +down with a stick of cord wood, and that on this occasion he was engaged +in trying to dissect young Utley with a butcher knife, claiming that +he was going to hang his hide on the fence, and cut out his liver and +stomach, and other things that Dr. Tanner has given a furlough, and that +the young man shot his father just to keep peace in the family, and to +save his own life, and that there were four quarts of raw whisky in +the old man's panjandrum when he turned up his toes, we feel like +apologizing to the young man and telling him that he did his country a +great service in wiping out his sire, baby mine. When an old man gets so +he can't enjoy himself without filling up with whisky and cutting slices +off the livers of live people, the sooner he climbs the golden stair the +better. + + + + +THE PIOUS DEACON AND THE WORLDLY COW. + +One of those incidents that cause a pious man to damn the whole animal +creation occurred at Janesville last week. A business man that we all +know, got up last Tuesday morning and took a walk down by Monterey, to +view the beauties of nature and get up an appetite for breakfast. He is +a man who weighs close onto 150 pounds, though he is as kitteny as +anybody when occasion calls for kittenishness. + +Gazing into the crystal waters of Rock River, it occurred to him that +he would take a bath, so he disrobed himself, laid his clothes upon +the ground and plunged in. He had been sporting with the wavelets, and +waving with the sportlets for some minutes, when he heard a bellowing on +shore, and he looked up to see a cow pawing the ground and running her +horns into his clothes. You know how the smell of blood or carrion will +cause the mildest mannered cow to get on her ear and paw the ground and +bellow. Not that there was any blood or carrion there, but the cow acted +that way. She may have got the smell of a Democrat from his clothes. +Anyway she made Monterey howl, and the large man in the water dove down +for stones to throw at the cow. She had run one horn through one leg of +his pants, and the other horn through the broad part, and was engaged +in chewing his shirt, when a rock struck her on the rump and she started +off with those two garments for the blind asylum, where she evidently +belonged, shaking her head to get the pants off her horns, and chewing +the shirt as though it was a bran mash.. + +The pious man rushed out of the water towards the cow and said “co-boss, +co-boss,” but she took one look at his shape and turned away and didn't +co-boss very much. A war map of the thoughts of this Janesville business +man, as he saw the cow go away, would sell well, if it was illustrated +by a picture of a native Zulu picking buchu leaves. He said he was a +pious man, and had always tried to lead a different life, and do the +fair thing, but hereafter he would be blanked if he wouldn't kill every +blanked cow that he came across. + +The only things the cow had left were his hat, vest and shoes and +stockings. He put them on and started after the cow. The vest was one of +these grandfather's clock vests, that stop short, never to go again, a +sort of emigrant vest, that comes high. It was not a long, lingering, +emotional vest; it was not what would be called a charitable vest, +because charity begins at home, and covers a multitude of back pay into +the treasury. He tried to remember some of the ten commandments, to +repeat, but the only one he could call to mind was “Pull down Thy Vest.” + +His eyes swept the horizon to see if anybody was looking, and he could +see that the grounds about the blind asylum were alive with people +of both sexes. He thanked heaven that by the inscrutable ways of +Providence, people were made blind, but his joy at the calamity was +mingled with sorrow when he thought that the teachers at the asylum were +endowed with the most perfect eyesight. + +As the cow neared the gate of the grounds he made one effort to head her +off, but she run by him, and then he attempted to take his pistol from +the hind pocket of his pants to kill himself, when he realized again +that he was indeed barefooted from his vest to his stockings, and he +sat down under a tree to die of slow starvation, but before he began to +starve he got up again and resumed an upright attitude, on account of +ants. It is a picnic for a nest of ants to partake of a human being who +has lost his or her trousers, as the case may be, and he followed the +cow, saying “co-boss” in the most pitiful accents that were ever used by +a Janesville man. + +The cow looked around, and as she did so the pants caught on a sapling +and were pulled off her horns and dropped upon the ground. The pious +man looked upon this as a direct interposition of Providence, and he was +sorry he swore. He got into his trousers so quick that it made his head +swim, and just as the crowd at the asylum had come down to the gate +to see what strange looking calf was following the cow home, the man +started on a run for town, leaving the shirt with the cow. + +The people at the asylum have the shirt, and it has the initials of the +man worked in the neck band, but he will never call for it. One sleeve +is chewed off, and the bosom is rent with conflicting emotions and cow's +teeth. The man sells nails and skimmers with a far off expression, and +don't want cows to run at large any more. + + + + +THE QUESTION OF CATS. + +The New York Humane Society has at last taken action, looking to the +destruction of improper, immoral and friendless cats, and agents are +at work capturing the nocturnal prowlers, and turning them over to the +proper authorities of the society, who cause them to be killed. + +This action cannot but be favorably commented upon by all loyal +citizens, and as the Milwaukee Humane Society is a branch of the New +York society, it is only reasonable to suppose that it will not be long +before our home society will be engaged in cat extermination. There is +a great field here for such a society, and applause awaits the humane +people who have banded together to put these cats out of their misery. + +We know there are those who will say that cats are not in misery when +they give vent to those soul-stirring passages from unwritten opera, +under the currant bushes, but we cannot but think that they are in the +most crushing misery which it would be a charity to put them out of, or +they would not chew their words so, and expectorate imaginary tobacco +juice, mingled with hair and profanity. We know that human beings when +they are enjoying each others society do not groan, and scratch, and +Samantha around with their backs up, and their eyes sot, and run up +board fences, and it is a safe inference to draw that these after dark +cats are in pain. Of course cats are not human, though they are endowed +with certain human instincts, such as staying out nights, and following +other cats. + +Sitting on the sharp edge of a board fence for hours, gazing at a +neighboring cat, and occasionally purmowing, may be likened by the +student of nature, to human beings who sit for hours on a cast iron seat +in the park, with arms around each other; but it is far different. We +have yet to hear of instances where quantities of hair have been found +on the ground in the parks, and no young man or young woman, after an +evening in the park, comes to his place of business in the morning, with +eyes clawed out, ears chewed, or so stiff as to be unable to get up from +under the stove without being kicked. Weighing this matter carefully and +in an unbiased manner, we must give the chromo for good conduct, correct +deportment, and good citizenship, to the human beings who frequent the +parks at night, over the cats who picnic under our gooseberry bustes, +and play Copenhagen on our area fences, when those who have brought them +up from innocent kittenhood think they are abed and asleep. + +So it is plain that the humane society has got work to do. We, as a +people, have got tired of seeing a Thomas cat that never paid any taxes, +get upon a pile of wood, swell his tail up to the size of a rolling pin, +bid defiance to all laws, spit on his hands and say in ribald language +to a Mariar cat, of a modest and retiring disposition, “Lay on, Mac +Duff, and blanked be he who first cries purmeow.” This thing has got to +cease. The humane society will soon be on the track of the enemy. + +We know that the war is about to commence, because Mr. Holton has +resigned the presidency of the society. But there are bold men in the +society that are not so tender-hearted as Brother Holton, and they will +fight this cat question to the bitter end. + +We can almost see Mr. Oliver, with his trusty shot gun, going through +back alleys at midnight, his white plume always to be found where cat +hair is the thickest. John Woodhull will meet him, after the enemy is +driven over the fence in disorder, and taken refuge under the shrubbery, +and they will compare notes and cats. Good Mr. Spencer sees the +handwriting on the wall, and his voice will be still for cats. Winfield +Smith and Chas. Ray will go out in the pale moonlight with stuffed clubs +and sell cats short, while Prof. McAllister and Chaplain Gordon, of the +Light House, will sing a solemn requiem for the repose of the alleged +souls of the midnight opera performers on the back fence, and a grateful +people will pass resolutions of thanks that where once all was chaos +and cat hair, all will be peace and good will towards morning. And may +grace, mercy, peace and plenty of cat scalps abide with the bold night +riders of the Humane society of Milwaukee. Scat! + + + + +THE KNIGHT AND THE BRIDAL CHAMBER. + +There was one of those things occurred at a Chicago hotel during the +conclave that is so near a fight and yet so ridiculously laughable that +you don't know whether you are on foot or a horseback. Of course some of +the Knights in attendance were from the back woods, and while they were +well up in all the secret workings of the order, they were awful “new” + in regard to city ways. + +There was one Sir Knight from the Wisconsin pineries, who had never been +to a large town before, and his freshness was the subject of remark. +He was a large hearted gentleman, and a friend that any person might +be proud to have. But he was fresh. He went to the Palmer House Tuesday +night, after the big ball, tired nearly to death, and registered his +name and called for a bed. + +The clerk told him that he might have to sleep on a red lounge, in a +room with two other parties, but that was the best that could be done. +He said that was all right, he “had tried to sleep on one of them cots +down to camp, but it nearly broke his back,” and he would be mighty +glad to strike a lounge. The clerk called a bell boy and said, “Show the +gentleman to 253.” + +The boy took the Knight's keister and went to the elevator, the door +opened and the Knight went in and began to pull off his coat, when +he looked around and saw a woman on the plush upholstered seat of the +elevator, leaning against the wall with her head on her hand. She was +dressed in ball costume, with one of those white Oxford tie dresses, cut +low in the instep, which looked, in the mussed and bedraggled condition +in which she had escaped from the exposition ball, very much to the +Knight like a Knight shirt. The astonished pinery man stopped pulling +off his coat and turned pale. He looked at the woman, and then at the +elevator boy, whom he supposed was the bridegroom, and said: + +“By gaul, they told me I would have to sleep with a couple of other +folks, but I had no idea that I should strike a wedding party in a +cussed little bridal chamber not bigger than a hen coop. But there ain't +nothing mean about me, only I swear it's pretty cramped quarters, ain't +it, miss?” and he sat down on one end of the seat and put the toe of one +boot against the calf of his leg, took hold of the heel with the other +hand and began to pull it off. + +“Sir!” says the lady, as she opened her eyes and began to take in the +situation, and she jumped up and glared at the Knight as though she +would eat him. + +He stopped pulling on the boot heel, looked up at the woman, as she +threw a loose shawl over her low neck shoulders, and said: + +“Now don't take on. The bookkeeper told me I could sleep on the lounge, +but you can have it, and I will turn in on the floor. I ain't no hog. +Sometimes they think we are a little rough up in Wausau, but we always +give the best places to the wimmen, and don't you forget it,” and he +began tugging on the boot again. + +By this time the elevator had reached the next floor, and as the door +opened the woman shot out of the door, and the elevator boy asked the +Knight what floor he wanted to go to. He said he “didn't want to go to +no floor,” unless that woman wanted the lounge, but if she was huffy, +and didn't want to stay there, he was going to sleep on the lounge, and +he began to unbutton his vest. + +Just then a dozen ladies and gentlemen got into the elevator from the +parlor floor, and they all looked at the Knight in astonishment. Five +of the ladies sat down on the plush seat, and he looked around at them, +picked up his boots and keister and started for the door, saying: + +“O, say, this is too allfired much. I could get along well enough with +one woman and a man, but when they palm off twelve grown persons onto +a granger, in a sweat box like this, I had rather go to camp,” and he +strode out, to be met by a policeman and the manager of the house and +two clerks, who had been called by the lady who got out first and who +said there was a drunken man in the elevator. They found that he was +sober, and all that ailed him was that he had not been salted, and +explanations followed and he was sent to his room by the stairs. + +The next day some of the Knights heard the story, and it cost the Wausau +man several dollars to foot the bill at the bar, and they say he is +treating yet. Such accidents will happen in these large towns. + + + + +THE HOUSE GIRL RACE. + +The Minneapolis fair has been for some months advertising a race of +twenty miles between a California and a Minnesota girl, on horseback, +and on Wednesday it occurred. The girls were splendid horsewomen, but +they had to change horses each mile, and the horses were strangers to +the girls, and excited, and the crowd of 30,000 was excited, and the +girls were kicked, trampled on and jammed into saddles by main strength, +and away the horses would go, the crowd howling, the horses flying and +the poor girls sighing and holding on with their teeth and toe nails, +expecting every moment to be thrown off and galloped over by the horses +and the crowd. + +The pandemonium was kept up until the seventh round, when the saddle +of Miss Jewett, the Minnesota girl, slipped, and she was thrown to the +ground on the back stretch, and the crowd clamored for the master of +ceremonies to send her another horse, while the California girl whooped +it up around the track. They had to send a stretcher for the girl, and +she was brought to the judge's stand as near a cold corpse as could be, +her pale face showing through the dirt, and her limber form telling its +own story. + +Then people that had been enjoying the “fun” looked at each other as +much as to say, “We are the biggest fools outside of congress, to enjoy +coldblooded murder, and call it fun.” The girl will live, though some +of her bones are warped. This whole subject of lady horseback riding is +wrong. The same foolish side saddles are used that were used before +the flood, with no improvement since Eve used to ride to town after the +doctor when Adam had the rheumatiz. + +Women can ride as well as men, if they are given a show, but to place +them on a horse with both legs on one side of the animal, so they have +to allow for the same weight of other portions of the body on the other +side to balance them, is awkward and dangerous, and it is a wonder that +more do not fall off and squash themselves, A well built woman is as +able to ride as a man. Her legs are strong enough to keep her on a +horse--we say legs understandingly, because that is the right name for +them--if she can have one on each side, but to shut one leg up like +a jack-knife and hang it up on a pommel, and get a check for it, and +forget that she has got a leg, and to let the other one hang down +listlessly beside the horse, the heel of the foot pounding him in the +sixth rib, is all nonsense, and those two legs, that ought to be the +main support of the rider, are of no more use than two base ball clubs +would be hung to the saddle. For all the good legs do on a side saddle +they might as well be taken off and left at home. + +Of course they are handy to have along if a lady wants to dismount, out +in the woods, and pick flowers, or climb a tree after a squirrel, but +the minute she gets in the saddle her legs are not worth the powder to +blow them up. And talk about exercise and developing muscle, walking a +mile is better than riding all summer. + +In walking, the legs and all the muscles of the body are brought into +action, and the blood courses through the veins, and a girl looks like a +thoroughbred, but in horseback riding the legs lay dormant, get to sleep +and have to be waked up when the owner dismounts, and all the exercise +is got by portions of the human frame that never has seemed to us as +though there was absolute need of greater development. + +It is true that horseback riding makes the cheeks-red. Well, blood that +wouldn't rush to the head after being churned that way wouldn't be worth +having. It has to go somewhere. It can't go to the legs, because +they are paralyzed, being curled up like a tailor, mending trousers. +Horseback exercise for ladies, on a side saddle, is a delusion and a +snare, and does not amount to a row of pins, and it never will be worth +a cent until women can ride like men. Then the lower limbs--now it is +_limbs_--will be developed and health will be the result, and there will +be no danger of a saddle turning and a helpless woman being dragged to +her death. + +There is nothing indelicate about riding on both sides of a horse, +if they once get used to it. But they have got to get over this +superstition that to ride on horseback a woman must put her limbs up in +curl papers. + + + + +THE TROUBLE MR. STOREY HAS. + +A dispatch from Chicago says that Wilbur F. Storey, of the _Times_, is +in a bad state, and that he gets around by leaning on his young wife +with one hand and a cane with the other, that he believes his latter end +is approaching, and that he is giving liberally to churches and has quit +abusing ministers, and is trying to lead a different life. + +We should have no objections to Mr. Storey's going to heaven. However +much he might try to revolutionize things there, and run the place, +there will be enough of us there to hold the balance of power and +prevent him from doing any particular damage. Besides, we do not believe +he is responsible for the cussedness of his newspaper. It is the wicked +young men he keeps. The four that we know, Wilkie, Snowdon, Seymour +and Doc Hinman, are enough to make the truly good Mr. Storey have night +sweats. They never refuse when you ask them up, and they are full of +guile. + +Storey got fooled the worst on Snowdon. Snow-don is a graduate of a nice +Christian college at Ripon, a beautiful blonde young man with the most +resigned and pious countenance we ever saw, one that seems to draw +people to him. His heart is tender and he weeps at the recital of +suffering. A stranger, to look at his face in repose, would say that he +was an evangelist and the pillar of some church, and that he associated +only with the truly good, but he plays the almightiest game of draw +poker of any man in Chicago. + +The boys say that when Storey engaged Snowdon, after the fire, he got +him to attend to the Sunday school department, and to keep track of the +church sociables and to report the noon prayer meetings, but that while +he was giving him instructions in the duties that he would be expected +to perform, Storey suggested that as the evening was well advanced that +they play a game of “old maid,” an innocent game played with cards. + +Mr. Snowdon hesitated at first, said it was something he never allowed +himself to do, to touch a card, as he had promised his old professor, +Mr. Merrill, of Ripon college, that he never would do anything that +would bring reproach upon his _almira mater_, but seeing it was Storey +he would play one game, just for luck. Well, you know how it is. One +word brought on another, they drifted, by easy stages, into draw poker, +and before Snowdon left he had won two hundred and eighty dollars and, +an oroide watch chain of Storey. + +Mr. Storey told his wife the next morning that he never was so deceived +in a pious looking young person in his life. “Why,” said he, as he was +thumbing over the Bible to read a chapter before morning prayers, “the +tow headed cuss would draw to a pair of deuces and get an ace full. Let +us unite in prayer.” + +However, he was not going to see any other paper secure Snowdon's +talent, so he gave him a box stall up in the top of the _Times_ +building, and any day, after 3 o'clock in the afternoon, you can go +there and borrow a couple of dollars of him, if you are in Chicago hard +up. + +The _Sun_ hopes Mr. Storey may live as long as he can make it pay, and +when he dies that he may go to the celestial regions, but he must not go +and build any temporary seats and charge a dollar a head for us fellows +from the country to see the procession go by. We can stand those things +here on earth, but when we get over there we must have a square deal, or +jump the game. + + + + +TRAGEDY ON THE STAGE. + +The tendency of the stage is to present practical, everyday affairs in +plays, and those are the most successful which are the most natural. The +shoeing of a horse on the stage in a play attracts the attention of the +audience wonderfully, and draws well. The inner workings of a brewery, +or a mill, is a big card, but there is hardly enough tragedy about it. +If they could run a man or two through the wheel, and have them cut up +into hash, or have them crowned in a beer vat? audiences could applaud +as they do when eight or nine persons are stabbed, poisoned or beheaded +in the Hamlets and Three Richards, where corpses are piled up on top of +each other. + +What the people want is a compromise between old tragedy and new comedy. +Now, if some manager could have a love play, where the heroine goes into +a slaughter house to talk love to the butcher, instead of a blacksmith +shop or a brewery, it would take. A scene could be set for a slaughter +house, with all the paraphernalia for killing cattle, and supe butchers +to stand around the star butcher with cleavers and knives. + +The star butcher could sit on a barrel of pigs' feet, or a pile of heads +and horns, and soliloquize over his unrequited love, as he sharpened +a butcher knife on his boot. The hour for slaughtering having arrived, +cattle could be driven upon the stage, the star could knock down a steer +and cut its throat, and hang it up by the hind legs and skin it, with +the audience looking on breathlessly. + +As he was about to cut open the body of the dead animal, the orchestra +could suddenly break the stillness, and the heroine could waltz out from +behind a lot of dried meat hanging up at one side, dressed in a lavender +satin princess dress, _en train_, with a white reception hat with +ostrich feathers, and, wading through the Blood of the steer on the +carpet, shout, “Stay your hand, Reginald!” + +The star butcher could stop, wipe his knife on his apron, motion to +the supe butchers to leave, and he would take three strides through the +blood and hair, to the side of the heroine, take her by the wrist +with his bloody hand, and shout, “What wiltest thou, Mary Anderson de +Montmorence?” Then they could sit down on a box of intestines and liver +and things and talk it over, and the curtain could go down with the +heroine swooning in the arms of the butcher. + +Seven years could elapse between that act and the next, and a scene +could be laid in a boarding house, and some of the same beef could be on +the table, and all that. Of course we do not desire to go into details. +We are no play writer, but we know what takes. People have got tired of +imitation blood on the stage. They kick on seeing a man killed in one +act, and come out as good as new in the next. Any good play writer can +take the cue from this article and give the country a play that will +take the biscuit. + +Imagine John McCullough, or Barrett, instead of killing Roman supes with +night gowns on, and bare legs, killing a Texas steer. There's where you +would get the worth of your money. It would make them show the metal +within them, and they would have to dance around to keep from getting a +horn in their trousers. It does not require any pluck to go out behind +the scenes with a sword and kill enough supes for a mess. Give us some +slaughter house tragedy, right away. + + + + +THE MISTAKE ABOUT IT. + +There is nothing that is more touching than the gallantry of men, total +strangers, to a lady who has met with an accident. Any man who has a +heart in him, who sees a lady whose apparel has become disarranged +in such a manner that she cannot see it, will, though she be a total +stranger, tell her of her misfortune, so she can fix up and not be +stared at. But sometimes these efforts to do a kindly action are not +appreciated, and men get fooled. + +This was illustrated at Watertown last week. People have no doubt +noticed that one of the late fashions among women is to wear at the +bottom of the dress a strip of red, which goes clear around. To the +initiated it looks real nice, but a man who is not posted in the +fashions would swear that the woman's petticoat was dropping off, and +if she was not notified, and allowed to fix it, she would soon be in a +terrible fix on the street. + +It was a week ago Monday that a lady from Oshkosh was at Watertown on +a visit, and she wore a black silk dress with a red strip on the bottom. +As she walked across the bridge Mr. Calvin Cheeney, a gentleman whose +heart is in the right place, saw what he supposed would soon be a +terrible accident, which would tend to embarrass the lady, so he stepped +up to her in the politest manner possible, took off his hat and said: + +“Excuse me, madame, but I think your wearing apparel is becoming +disarranged. You might step right into Clark's, here, and fix it,” and +he pointed to the bottom of her dress. + +She gave him a look which froze his blood, and shaking her dress out she +went on. He said it was the last time he would ever try to help a woman +in distress. + +She sailed along down to a grocery store and stopped to look at some +grapes, when the practiced eye of Hon. Peter Brook saw that something +was wrong. To think is to act with Peter, and he at once said: + +“Miss, your petticoat seems to be dropping off. You can go in the store +and get behind that box of codfish and fix it if you want to.” + +Now that was a kind thing for Peter to do, and an act that any gentleman +might be proud of, but he was amazed at her when she told him to mind +his own business, and she would attend to her own petticoat, and she +marched off just a trifle mad. + +She went into the postoffice to mail a postal card, just as Mr. Moak, +the postmaster, came out of his private office with Hon. L. B. Caswell, +the congressman. Mr. Moak, without the aid of his glasses, saw that +there was liable to be trouble, so he asked Caswell to excuse him a +moment, and turning to the delivery window where she was asking the +clerk what time the mail came in, he said: + +“I beg a thousand pardons, madame. It ill becomes a stranger to speak +to one so fair without an introduction, but I believe that I am not +violating the civil service rules laid down by Mr. Hayes for the +guidance of postmasters when I tell you, lady, that something has broke +loose and that the red garment that you fain would hide from the gaze +of the world has asserted itself and appears to the naked eye about two +chains and three links below your dress. I am going abroad, to visit Joe +Lindon, the independent candidate for sheriff, and you can step into the +back office and take a reef in it.” + +He did not see the look of fire in her eyes as he went out, because he +was not looking at her eye. She passed out, and Doc Spaulding, who has +got a heart in him as big as a box car, saw it, and touching his broad +brimmed felt hat he said, in a whisper: + +“Madame, you better drop into a millinery store and fasten up your--” + +But she passed him on a run, and was just going into a hardware store, +with her hand on her pistol pocket, when Jule Keyes happened along. Now, +Jule would consider himself a horse thief if he should allow a woman to +go along the street with anything the matter with her clothes, and he +not warn her of the consequences, so he stopped and told her that she +must excuse him, a perfect stranger, for mentioning her petticoat, but +the fact was that it was coming off. + +By this time the woman was mad. She bought a pistol and started for the +depot, firmly resolved to kill the first man that molested her. She did +not meet anybody until she arrived at the Junction, and she sat down in +the depot to rest before the train came. + +Pierce, the hotel man, is one of the most noticin' persons anywhere, +and she hadn't been seated a York minute before his eye caught the +discrepancy in her apparel. He tried to get the telegraph operator and +the express man to go and tell her about it, but they wouldn't, so he +went and took a seat near her. + +“It is a warm day, madame,” said Pierce, looking at the red strip at the +bottom of her dress. + +She drew her pistol, cocked it, and pointed it at Pierce, who was +trembling in every leg, and said: + +“Look-a-here, you young cuss. I have had half a dozen grown persons down +town tell me my petticoat was coming off, and I have stood it because I +thought they were old enough to know what they were talking about, but +when it comes to boys of your age coming around thinking they know +all about women's clothes it is too much, and the shooting is going to +commence.” + +Mr. Pierce made one bound and reached the door, and then got behind a +white grey hound and waited for her to go away, which she soon did. As +she was stepping on the car the conductor, Jake Sazerowski, said to +her: + +“Your apparel, madame, seems to be demoralized,” but she rushed into the +car, and was seen no more. + +Since then these gentlemen have all learned that the fashion calls for a +red strip at the bottom of a dress, and they will make no more mistakes. +But they were all serious enough, and their interference was prompted by +pure kindness of heart, and not from any wicked thoughts. + + + + +THE MAN FROM DUBUQUE. + +Last week, a young man from the country west of here came in on the +evening train and walked up to Grand avenue, with a fresh looking young +woman hanging on to one handle of a satchel while he held the other. +They turned into the Plankinton House, and with a wild light in his eye +the man went to the book and registered his name and that of the lady +with him. + +While the clerk was picking out a couple of rooms that were near +together, the man looked around at the colored man who had the satchel, +and as the clerk said, “Show the gentleman to No. 65 and the lady to +67,” he said, “Hold on, 'squire! One room will do.” + +On being shown to the room, the bridegroom came right out with the +bell boy and appeared at the office. Picking out a benevolent looking +gentleman, with a good place to raise hair on his head, who was behind +the counter, the groom said: + +“Say, can a man enjoy religion in this house?” + +Mr. White said a man could if he brought it with him. They had none on +hand to issue out to guests, but they never interfered with those who +had it when they arrived. + +“Why,” says the manager of the house, “has anybody interfered with your +devotions here?” + +“No, not here,” said the man, wiping his fore-head with a red +handkerchief. “But they have at Dubuque. I'll tell you how it was. I +was married a couple of days ago, and night before last I put up at a +Dubuque hotel. My wife never had been married before, any at all, and +she is timid, and thinks everybody is watching us, and making fun of us. + +“She jumps at the slightest sound. Well, we went to our room in the +afternoon, and she began to cry, and said if she wasn't married she +never would be the longest day she lived. I sort of put my arm around +her, and was just telling her that everybody had to get married, when +there was a knock on the door, and she jumped more than thirty feet. +“You see that finger. Well, a pin in her belt stuck clear through, +and came near making me faint away. I held my finger in my mouth, and +telling her the house was not on fire, I went to the door and there was +a porter there who wanted to know if I wanted any more coal on the fire. +I drove him away, and sat down in a big rocking chair with my wife in my +lap, and was stroking her hair and telling her that if she would forgive +me for marrying I never would do so again, and trying to make her feel +more at home, when there came another knock at the door, and she jumped +clear across the room and knocked over a water pitcher. + +“This seal ring on my finger caught in her frizzes and I'll be cussed if +the whole top of her head didn't come off. I was a little flurried and +went to the door, and a chambermaid was there with an armful of towels +and she handed me a couple and went off. My wife came into camp again, +and began to cry and accuse me of pulling her hair, when I went up to +her and put my arm around her waist, and was just going to kiss her, +just as any man would be justified in kissing his wife under the +circumstances, when she screamed murder and fell against the bureau. + +“I looked around and the door had opened, and there was a colored man +coming into the room with a kerosene lamp, and he chuckled and said he +begged my pardon. Now, I am a man that don't let my temper get away with +me, but as it was three hours before dark I didn't see what was the use +of a lamp, and I told him to get out of there. Before 6 o'clock that +evening there had been twenty raps at the door, and we got sick. My +wife said she would not stay in that house for a million dollars. So we +started for Milwaukee. + +“I tried to get a little sleep on the cars, but every little while a +conductor would wake me up and roll me over in the seat to look at my +ticket, and brake-men would run against my legs in the aisle of the car, +and shout the names of stations till I was sorry I ever left home. Now, +I want to have rest and quietude. Can I have it here?” + +The manager told him to go to his room, and if he wanted any coal or ice +water to ring for it, and if anybody knocked at his door without being +sent for, to begin shooting bullets through the door. That settled +it, and when the parties returned to Iowa they said this country was a +mighty sight different from Dubuque. + + + + +THE GIDDY GIRLS QUARREL. + +A dispatch from Brooklyn states that at the conclusion of a performance +at the theatre, Fanny Davenport's wardrobe was attached by Anna +Dickinson and the remark is made that Fanny will contest the matter. +Well, we should think she would. What girl would sit down silently and +allow another to attach her wardrobe without contesting? It is no light +thing for an actress to have her wardrobe attached after the theatre is +out. Of course Fanny could throw something over her, a piece of +scenery, or a curtain, and go to her hotel, but how would she look? Miss +Davenport always looked well with her wardrobe on, but it may have been +all in the wardrobe. Without a wardrobe she may look very plain and +unattractive. + +Anna Dickinson has done very wrong. She has struck Fanny in a vital +part. An actress with a wardrobe is one of the noblest works of nature. +She is the next thing to an honest man, which is the noblest work, +though we do not say it boastingly. We say she is next to an honest man, +with a wardrobe, but if she has no wardrobe it is not right. + +However, we will change the subject before it gets too deep for us. + +Now, the question is, what is Anna Dickinson going to do with Fanny's +wardrobe? She may think Fanny's talent goes with it, but if she will +carefully search the pockets she will find that Fanny retains her +talent, and has probably hid it under a bushel, or an umbrella; or +something, before this time. Anna cannot wear Fanny's wardrobe to play +on the stage, because she is not bigger than a banana, while Fanny is +nearly six feet long, from tip to tip. If Anna should come out on a +stage with the Davenport wardrobe, the boys would throw rolls of cotton +batting at her. + +Fanny's dress, accustomed to so much talent, would have to be stuffed +full of stuff. There would be room in Fanny's dress, if Anna had it on, +as we remember the two, to put in a feather bed, eleven rolls of cotton +batting, twelve pounds of bird seed, four rubber air cushions, two dozen +towels, two brass bird cages, a bundle of old papers, a sack of bran and +a bale of hay. That is, in different places. Of course all this truck +wouldn't go in the dress in any one given locality. If Anna should put +on Fanny's dress, and have it filled up so it would look any way decent, +and attempt to go to Canada, she would be arrested for smuggling. + +Why, if Dickinson should put on a pair of Davenport's stockings, now for +instance, it would be necessary to get out a search warrant to find +her. She could pin the tops of them at her throat with a brooch, and her +whole frame would not fill one stocking half as well as they have been +filled before being attached, and Anna would look like a Santa Claus +present of a crying doll, hung on to a mantel piece. + +Fanny Davenport is one of the handsomest and splendidest formed women on +the American stage, and a perfect lady, while Dickinson, who succeeds +to her old clothes through the law, is small, not handsome, and a +quarrelsome female who thinks she has a mission. The people of this +country had rather see Fanny Davenport without any wardrobe to speak of +than to see Dickinson with clothes enough to start a second hand store. + + + + +DON'T LEAVE YOUR GUM AROUND. + +A woman at Wyocena, who chews gum, laid her “quid” on a green paper +box, and when she came to chew it again was poisoned and it was with +difficulty her life was saved. This reminds us of an accident that +happened to Mary Anderson when she was here last. Mary will remember +that in the second scene of “Ingomar,” just when Parthenia was winding +herself around the heart of the barbarian, she looked pale, and whenever +she would try to say sweet words to him, she acted as though she was on +a lake excursion. + +During some of the love passages we remember a far away look in her +eyes, as though she was searching for the unfathomable, or looking for +a friendly railing to lean over, and when her bosom heaved with emotion +she acted as though she expected to hear from down country, and doubted +whether her boots would remain on her feet or throw up their situation. +Those who sat in the left box will remember that when she threw her head +on Ingomar's shoulder, that she spit cotton over towards the back of the +stage, and acted like the little girl that had been eating tomatoes. + +Ingomar seemed to notice that something was the matter, and he kept his +face as far from Parthenia as the rules of polite society would admit, +and the theory that she had been eating onions, which was advanced by a +bald-headed man in the dress circle, found many believers. However, that +was not the case, as we found by inquiring of a gentlemanly supe. It is +well known that Miss Anderson is addicted to the gum chewing habit, and +that when she goes upon the stage she sticks her chew of gum on an old +castle painted on the scenery. + +There was a wicked young man playing a minor part in the play, who had +been treated scornfully by Mary, as he thought, and he had been heard to +say he would make her sick. He did. He took her chew of gum and spread +it out so it was as thin as paper, then placed a chew of tobacco inside, +neatly wrapped it up, and stuck it back on the old castle. Mary came +off, when the curtain went down, and going up to the castle she bit +like a bass. Putting the gum, which she had no idea was loaded, into her +mouth, she mashed it between her ivories and rolled it as a sweet morsel +under her tongue. It is said by those who happened to be behind the +scenes, that when the tobacco began to get in its work there was the +worst transformation scene that ever appeared on the stage. The air, +one supe said, seemed to be full of fine cut tobacco and spruce gum, +and Mary stood there and leaned against a painted rock, a picture of +homesickness. + +She was pale about the gills, and trembled like ap aspen leaf shaken +by the wind. She was calm as a summer's morning, and while concealment, +like a worm in an apple, gnawed at her stomach, and tore her corset +strings, she did not upbraid the wretch who had smuggled the vile pill +into her countenance. All she said, as she turned her pale face to the +painted ivy on the rock, and grasped a painted mantel piece with her +left hand, as her right hand rested on her heaving stomach, was, “I die +by the hand of an assassin.” And the soft scenic moon rose up slowly, +and calmly she looked down from the flies, and Mary was saved. Women +can't be too careful where they put their gum. + + + + +THE WAY TO NAME CHILDREN. + +The names of Indians are sometimes so peculiar that people are made to +wonder how the red men became possessed of them. That of “Sitting Bull,” + “Crazy Horse,” “Man Afraid of his Horses,” “Red Cloud,” etc., cause a +good deal of thought to those who do not know how the names are given. +The fact of the matter is that after a child of the forest is born the +medicine man goes to the door and looks out and the first object that +attracts his attention is made use of to name the child. When the mother +of that great warrior gave birth to her child the medicine man looked +out and saw a bull seated on its haunches; hence the name “Sitting +Bull.” It is an evidence of our superior civilization that we name +children on a different plan, taking the name of some eminent man or +woman, some uncle or aunt to fasten on to the unsuspecting stranger. +Suppose that the custom that is in vogue among the Indians should be in +use among us, we would have, instead of “George Washington” and “Hanner +Jane,” and such beautiful names, some of the worst jaw-breakers that +ever was. Suppose the attending physician should go the door after a +child was born and name it after the first object he saw. We might have +some future statesman named “Red Headed Servant Girl with a Rubber Bag +of Hot Water” or “Bald-headed Husband Walking Up and Down the Alley with +His Hands in His Pockets swearing this thing shall never Happen Again.” + If the doctor happened to go the door when the grocery delivery wagon +was there he would name the child “Boy from Dixon's Grocery with a +Codfish by the Tail and a Bag of Oatmeal,” or if the ice man was the +first object the doctor saw some beautiful girl might go down to history +with the name, “Pirate with a Lump of Ice About as Big as a Solitaire +Diamond.” Or suppose it was about election time, and the doctor should +look out, he might name a child that had a right to grow up a minister, +“Candidate for office so Full of Bug Juice that His Back Teeth are +Afloat;” or suppose he should look out and see a woman crossing a muddy +street, he might name a child “Woman with a Sealskin Cloak and a Hole in +Her Stocking going Down Town to Buy a Red Hat.” It wouldn't do at all +to name children the way Indians do, because the doctors would have the +whole business in their hands, and the directories are big enough now. + + + + +ABOUT RAILROAD CONDUCTORS. + +About the time the Wisconsin Central conductors were being hauled over +the coals, some paper did a very unjust thing by insinuating that there +was about to be a general overhauling on the old established roads, and +carried the idea that there was crookedness among conductors who have +been trusted employees for more years than the reporters of the papers +making the insinuations have lived. + +This is entirely wrong. It is well enough to joke conductors about +“dividing with the company,” and all that, and the conductors take such +jokes all right, and laugh about them, but when a serious charge is made +by a newspaper it is no joking matter. + +Men who have held responsible positions for fifteen years under managers +who are the sharpest men in this country, are not apt to be crooked, +and we notice that when there is a chance they are promoted, and if they +leave the railroad it is always to enter into a better business, and +they are honored everywhere. + +We hold that no man can occupy a position on one of our great railroads +for ten years if he is crooked. It would not pay a conductor to steal, +if he had the desire. They are all men of families, well connected, and +many of them have children grown up. Would they do an act that would +bring disgrace not only upon themselves but their relatives, wives, +children, and forever debar them from society for a paltry few +dollars that they could bilk a railroad company out of? The idea is +preposterous, and an insult to their intelligence. + +As well say that the bookkeepers of our business houses, the managers +of our manufactories, were systematically stealing from employers. The +conductors have got sense. This talk about stealing is disgusting. +You send your wives and children off on a train liable to meet with +accident. The first thing you do if you are acquainted with the road is +to find out what conductor is going to run the train. If it is one you +know, you feel just as secure as though the wife and children were under +the escort of your brother. + +You know that if anything happens the first thought of the conductor is +the safety of the women and children, at the expense of his own safety. +And when your loved ones come home safe, and you meet them at the train, +and the conductor stands upon the platform as the train backs into +the depot, looking at nobody, but his eye fixed upon the chances of +accident, you always feel as though you wanted to put your arm around +him and say, “Bully for you, old boy.” + +If your wife gets out of money on a journey the conductor goes down into +his _own_ pocket, and not into the railroad company's, and tells her not +to worry, as he hands her what money she wants. If your child is taken +sick on the journey, who but the conductor sees to sending a dispatch to +you quicker than lightning, and who brings a pillow in from the sleeper +and makes the little one as comfortable as he would his own little one +at home? + +You appreciate these things at the time, but some day you will say, “How +can a man drive a fast horse on eighty dollars a month?” Then you +think you are smart. We will tell you. The conductors are pretty sharp +business men. They can't travel all the time, and come in contact with +all the world, and not be sharp. They see chances to make money outside +of their business. + +For instance, one of them who is a good judge sees a horse at some +interior town that he knows is worth three times as much in Milwaukee or +Chicago as the owner asks for it. He would be a fool if he did not buy +it. We have known a conductor to make more money on two horse trades +than his salary would amount to for three months. Would you object to +his doing it? He did not neglect the business the company paid him to +perform. + +Sometimes a conductor feels in his inmost heart that the indications are +that wheat is going up. Is it any worse for him to take a deal in +wheat than it is for the deacon in his church? If he makes five hundred +dollars on the deal, and puts an addition on his house, is it the square +thing for you to say he stole it out of the company? Their knowledge +of railroads and business frequently gives them an idea that stocks are +liable to go up or down, and often they invest with good results. + +We will take the chances with conductors, as square men, by the side +of any business men, and it makes us as mad as a wet hen to hear people +talk about their stealing. As well say that because one bank cashier +steals that they are all robbing the banks. Quit this, now. + + + + +A HOT BOX AT A PICNIC. + +An Oshkosh young man started for a picnic in a buggy with two girls, +and when they got half way they got a hot box to the hind wheel of the +buggy, and they remained there all the afternoon pouring water on the +wheel, missing the picnic. There is nothing that will cause a hot box in +a buggy so quick as going to a picnic with girls. Particularly is this +the case when one has two girls. No young man should ever take two girls +to a picnic. He may think one cannot have too much of a good thing, +and that he holds over the most of the boys who have only one girl, but +before the picnic is over he will note the look of satisfaction on the +faces of the other boys as they stray off in the vernal shade, and he +will look around at his two girls as though his stomach was overloaded. +We don't care how attractive the girls are, or how enterprising a boy he +is, or how expansive or far-reaching a mind he has, he cannot do justice +to the subject if he has two girls. There will be a certain clashing of +interests that no young boy in his goslinghood, as most boys are when +they take two girls to a picnic, has the diplomacy to prevent. Now, this +may seem a trifling thing to write about and for a great pious paper +to publish, but there is more at the bottom of it than is generally +believed. If we start the youth of the land out right in the first place +they will be all right, but if they start out by taking two girls to a +picnic their whole lives are liable to become acidulated, and they will +grow up hating themselves. If a young man is good-natured and tries +to do the fair thing, and a picnic is got up, the rest of the boys are +liable to play it on him. There is always some old back number of a girl +who has no fellow, who wants to go, and the boys, after they all get +girls and buggies engaged, will canvass among themselves to see who +shall take this extra girl, and it always falls to the good-natured +young man. He says of course there is room for three in the buggy. +Sometimes he thinks may be this old girl can be utilized to drive the +horse, and then he can converse with his own sweet girl, with both +hands, but in such a moment as ye think not he finds out that the extra +girl is afraid of horses, dare not drive, and really requires some +holding to keep her nerves quiet. The young man begins to realize by +this time that life is one great disappointment. He tries to drive with +one hand hand, and consoles his good girl, who is a little cross at +the turn affairs have taken, with the other, but it is a failure, and +finally his good girl says she will drive, and then he has to put an arm +around them both, which will give more or less dissatisfaction, the best +way you can fix it. If we had a boy that didn't seem to have any more +sense than to make a hat rack of himself to hang girls on in a buggy we +should labor with him and tell him of the agonies we had experienced +in youth, when the boys palmed off two girls on us to take to a country +picnic, and we believe we can do no greater favor to the young men +who are just entering the picnic of life than to impress upon them the +importance of doing one thing at a time, and doing it well. Start right +at first, and life will be one continued picnic buggy ride, but if your +mind is divided in youth you will always be looking for hot boxes and +annoyance. + + + + +BROKE UP A PRAYER MEETING. + +A few months ago the spectacle presented itself of a very respectable +lady of the Seventh Ward, wearing a black eye. There never was a case of +ante-election that was any more perfect than the one this lady carried. + +We have seen millions of black eyes in our time, some of which were +observed in a mirror, but we never saw one that suggested a row any +plainer than the one the Seventh Ward lady wore. It was cut biased, +that being the latest style of black eye, and was fluted with purple and +orange shade, and trimmed with the same. Probably we never should have +known about the black eye had not the lady asked, as she held her hand +over one eye, if there was any truth in the story that a raw oyster +would cure a black eye. She came to us as an expert. When we told her +that a piece of beefsteak was worth two oysters she uncovered the eye. + +It looked as though painted by one of the old masters. + +Rather than have anybody think she had been having a row she explained +how it happened. She was sitting with her husband and little girl in the +parlor, and while the two were reading, the little one disappeared. The +mother went to the girl's room, on tip-toe, to see if she was asleep. +She found the girl with all her dolls on the floor, having a doll's +prayer meeting. She had them all down on their knees, and would let +them pray one at a time, then sing. One of the dolls that squeaked when +pressed on the stomach was leader of the singing, and the little girl +bossed the job. There was one old maid doll that the little girl seemed +to be disgusted with because the doll talked too much, and she would +say: + +“There, Miss, you sit down and let some of the other sisters get in a +word edgeways. Sister Perkins, won't you relate your experience?” + +After listening to this for a few moments the mother heard the girl say: + +“Now, Polly, you pass the collection plate, and nobody must put in +lozengers, and then we will all go to the dancing school.” + +The whole thing was so ridiculous that the mother attempted to rush down +stairs three at a time, to have her husband come up to prayer meeting, +when she stubbed herself on a stair rod, and--well, she got the black +eye on the journey down stairs, though what hit her she will probably +never know. But she said when she began to roll down stairs she felt +in her innermost soul as though she had broke up that prayer meeting +prematurely. + + + + +SHOOTING ON SUNDAY, WITH THE MOUTH. + +There is nothing in the world that is so beautiful as to see a sporting +man, one who loves to shoot the wild prairie chicken and chase the +bounding duck over the plains, have a respect for the Sabbath day. There +are too many of our sporting friends who, if they are out for a week's +shooting, forget that they should lay away the deadly breech loader +on Sunday, after oiling it, and busy themselves reading good books, or +loading cartridges. + +However, we are proud to number among our acquaintances one sporting +gentleman who would sooner cut a dog in two than to hunt on Sunday. It +is related of him that on one occasion while in camp in a deer country, +that his hounds got after a buck one Sunday morning, and that our friend +was so incensed at the dogs that he seized his gun and shot one of the +dogs dead, besides wounding the deer, and that he had to follow the deer +over four miles before he could overtake the animal and put it out of +its misery. + +A wicked companion said that he shot at the deer and killed the dog +accidentally, but those who know Mr. Van Brunt would not believe the +story for a moment. Not long since this gentleman left his home at +Horicon and went to Owatonna, Minn., for a few weeks' hunt. He hunted a +good deal in town, and became somewhat acquainted with the fair sex as +well as the chickens and other ducks of the prairies. However, Sunday +came, and while the other wretches went out snooting on Sunday, our +friend hied himself to the Sabbath school. His presence was observed +by a teacher, and he, by the way, observed _her_ presence, and being a +stranger and a pious looking man, she invited him to help her teach her +class. He accepted, and seated beside the fair teacher, he chipped in an +occasional remark to the class, while he looked into the soulful, pious +eyes of the handsome teacher. She introduced him to the superintendent +as a pious young man from Wisconsin, and the superintendent invited him +to address the school. + +It was new business to our friend, but he said he never had anything +sawed off onto him unless he stood it like a man, so he got up, with +the girl's eyes on him, and told the children the beautiful story of the +cross, and how Samson went up in a chariot of fire, and Adam was found +in the bullrushes by a Sunday school teacher, while he was shooting blue +wing teal, and how Noah and Sat Clark built an ark and coasted around +Uoricon lake and landed on Iron Ridge and sent out a canvas-back duck +to see if there was any living thing this side of Schleisingerville, and +how the duck came back with a sprig of wild celery in its bill which it +had found at Lake Koshkonong. + +He told how the locusts came down on the democratic party and lected +Garfield, and counseled the children to be good and they would have a +soft thing. He said evil communications corrupted two of a kind, and +they could not be too careful with their pennies, and advised them to +give up the soul destroying habit of buying taffy, and try and lead a +different life, and put their money into the missionary box, where the +wicked cease from troubling, and give us a rest. + +He would have gone on all the afternoon, only the superintendent of +the Sunday school told the children that the exercises would close +with “Little Drops of Water,” and our friend sat down and wiped the +perspiration from his brow. + +The teacher said that his words had opened new beauties to her in the +Scriptures, though he was a little off on some of his statistics. He +told her, by way of apology, that she couldn't expect much religion from +a man that came from so strong a democratic county as Dodge county. This +may be all a lie, but if it is, we got it from one of the best liars of +the State. + + + + +A WASHINGTON SURPRISE PARTY. + +When Mr. and Mrs. Hayes returned to Washington from the far west their +Ohio friends got up a surprise party for them. They had just retired for +the night, rather early on account of fatigue, when the door bell rung +violently. Mr. Hayes put on his pants, and throwing one suspender over +his shoulder and holding on to it with his hands, he went to the door +and asked who was there. On being answered that John Sherman was there, +Mr. Hayes supposed there was something important, and he opened the +door. + +Mr. Sherman came in with a market basket of sandwiches, followed by +about a hundred ladies and gentlemen, loaded down with articles usually +taken to surprise parties. Mr. Hayes was taken entirely by surprise, and +as he buttoned his trousers and tucked in his night shirt behind he said +he hoped they would excuse him for a moment till he went up stairs and +put on a collar and some stockings, and called Mrs. Hayes, who was in +bed. + +Matt Carpenter said never mind; he would call Mrs. Hayes, and he gave a +hop, skip and jump and went up stairs three at a time, followed by Mr. +Hayes, who was shivering from the contact of his bare feet with the oil +cloth in the hall. + +“What is the trouble, Rutherford?” said Mrs. Hayes, as Mr. Carpenter +rushed into the room. + +“Get up and dress yourself, you are surrounded, and escape is +impossible.” + +Mrs. Hayes screamed as she saw the bold buccaneer, pulled the bed +clothes over her head and said, “We are lost.” + +At this point Hayes, who had got on a pair of woolen stockings, and was +buttoning on a paper collar, said: “I say, Matt, of course this is all +right, and I don't want you to be offended, but won't you just step out +into the hall so Mrs. Hayes can get her clothes on.” + +“Why, to be sure,” said Matt, as he got up out of a rocking chair, on +which there were three skirts, a red petticoat, an emancipation corset, +and a pair of striped stockings with long suspenders arranged to button +on the waist, “of course I will go out, but you need not mind me. I am +near sighted.” + +Matt went down stairs with the crowd, and when he was gone Mrs. Hayes +got her head out from under the clothes and wanted to know what the +trouble was, and if they could not fly. + +Hayes told her not to be alarmed, as it was only one of those d--d +surprise parties. He said there were two hundred hungry people down +stairs, with baskets of sandwiches and pickles, and the chances were +that they would eat up everything there was in the house, and mash +crumbs and cold tongue into the carpet. + +Mrs. Hayes got up and sent Rutherford into the linen closet after a +clean white skirt, and he returned with a night gown and had to be sent +back. While she was taking her hair down out of the curl papers, and +putting bandoline over her ears, she gave Mr. Hayes her opinion of +surprise parties. She said that little shrimp, Alexander Stephens, would +sit on the piano keys, and knock his boot heels against the piano case, +and that Dave Davis would fall over the music rack, and sit down in her +best rocking chair and break it. + +Just then she touched her nose with a curling iron that she had heated +in a gas jet, and screamed and woke Mr. Hayes up, and he wanted to know +what was the matter. She rolled over in bed, felt of her nose to see +if it was there, and told Mr. Hayes she had been dreaming there was a +surprise party came to the house. + +He said: “My dear, I trust there is no such fate in store for us. You +are nervous. Try a little of that crab apple cider, and lay on your +face, and see if you can't go to sleep.” + + + + +THE DIFFERENCE IN CLOTHES. + +There is something about the practice of “practical joking” that is +mighty pleasant and enjoyable, if the joke is on somebody else. It was +about six years ago that we quit practical joking, and the reason was +that the boys played one on us that fairly broke our back. We had always +been full of it, and an opportunity to play a joke on a friend was a +picnic for us, but this time we had all the tuck taken out and fairly +unraveled. + +A party consisting of Hogan, Hatch, Root, Wood and Webb had been down +from La Crosse to the marshes shooting ducks for a week. We had prepared +to break camp and take the train to Brownsville at 2 o'clock, from which +we took a little steamer for La Crosse. + +We were out shooting and did not get to camp until everything was packed +up, and just had time to catch the train with our hunting clothes on. +The rest of the fellows had been in camp an hour, and had put on their +good clothes, and washed up and looked like gentlemen, as they were, +while we looked like a tramp, which we were not. All got on the little +steamboat, and hugged around the boiler with the other passengers, for +it was a cold night. + +We felt a little ashamed of the old hunting clothes that had been worn +so many years, and were covered with blood and dirt, but there was no +chance to change, and we sat down with the boys. Finally Root, who was +the biggest hector in the world, and a fine looking gentleman, turned to +the captain of the boat and said, pointing to us: + +“I wish, captain, you would ask this red-headed muskrat trapper to sit +on the other side of me. He smells bad.” + +If lightning had struck us we could not have been more astonished. The +passengers all looked at the dirty looking “muskrat trapper,” and stuck +up their noses. The captain asked us in a polite manner if we would +not please move and get on the “lee side” of the passengers. He said +he didn't mean any offence, but the smell of muskrats oftentimes made +people sick. + +Well, it was a pretty tight fix, but we forced a laugh and looked around +at the rest of the boys in a familiar way, and began talking to them. +Not a man of them would recognize us. The captain turned to Hogan and +said, “Is this a friend of yours?” Hogan put on a look of disgust, and +said he had never seen us before. “However,” says Jim, “he may be a very +deserving person of his class.” + +The captain said we had better go to the other end of the boiler and lay +down with the dogs where it was warm. We tried to pass it off as a joke, +and turned to Hatch and tried to get into conversation with him about a +goose he had killed the day before, but he wouldn't have it. He said we +could get the smell out of our clothes by burying them, and then he went +on to tell how he shot a skunk once, and spoiled a suit of clothes. + +We spoke to Colonel Wood, one of our party, as a last resort, and all he +said was to draw in his breath with a “Whoosh,” and put his handkerchief +to his nose. We never felt so mean in the world. The whole gang had +combined against us, and we got up to leave them, meditating revenge, +when Walt Webb said, “Let's throw the cuss overboard.” We went and laid +down on the valises, and tried to think of some way to get even with +the boys, when Root told the captain that they had got some valuables in +those valises, and they didn't want any tramp laying down on them, and +he came along and actually drove us off of our own valise. 4 + +To make the matter still worse, a homely looking Norwegian dog that we +had borrowed to take on the hunt, and which was the worst looking brute +that ever was, and which had been the laughing stock of the camp for a +week, at this point came up to us, wagged his tail and followed us, and +the boys said, “Look at the dog the muskrat trapper owns.” That was the +worst give away. + +We walked around on deck, and would occasionally stop and speak to one +of the boys, hoping they had given us enough and would relent, but all +the way to La Crosse not one of them would speak to us, and when the +boat arrived at the landing Root handed us a quarter, in the presence +of the passengers, and asked if we wouldn't help Mike Doyle, the cook, +carry the baggage ashore. + +It was the worst joke we ever had perpetrated on us, and even after we +got ashore, and Hatch said, “Come, old sorrel top, let's go and get a +glass of beer,” we could hardly smile. Since then when we go hunting we +wear the best clothes we have got. + +For years afterwards when fellows were joking, some of the party would +ask us “if the trapping was good this season.” We got so we could not +look a myskrat in the face. So we say that practical joking is splendid +if it is on the other fellow. Always quit when they get it on to you. + + + + +A TEMPERANCE LECTURE THAT HURT. + +There was probably the most astonished temperance man up above Stevens +Point the other day that ever was. The name of the temperance man is +Sutherland. + +He is a nice gentleman, but, like many another man, he can never see a +person with his keg full of bug juice without giving him a talking to. + +The other day Sutherland was driving along the road when he overtook an +Indian who asked for a ride. He was allowed to get in the wagon, when +Sutherland discovered that the Indian had a breath that would stop a +temperance clock. He smelled like a sidewalk in front of a wholesale +liquor store. The Indian was comfortably full, so full that his back +teeth were floating. + +Sutherland thought it was a good time to get in his work, so he began +talking to the Indian about the wickedness of looking upon the whisky +when it was bay, and when it giveth its color in the nose. He told the +Indian of the wrecked homes, the poverty, the disgrace and death that +followed the use of liquor, and wound up by pleading with him to give +up his cups and join the angel band and shout hosannas in a temperance +lodge. The Indian did not understand a word that Suthland was saying, +but supposing by the looks of his nose and pleading eyes that he wanted +a drink, the Indian drew a large black bottle from under his blanket and +handed it to Sutherland, remarking: “Ugh! Dam firewater.” + +Sutherland thought that he had made a convert, and telling the Indian +that he was glad he had resolved to lead a different life, took the +bottle and dashed it upon the ground, smashing it into a thousand +pieces. + +Well, the air seemed full of Indians. If Sutherland had torn out the +Indian's heart he could not have hurt the red man worse. + +With a war whoop the Indian jumped on the seat, took Sutherland by the +hair and yanked him out on the ground. Sutherland yelled and the Indian +galloped over him. The team ran away, and the Indian mauled Sutherland. +He cut open his face, italicised his nose, put a roof over his eye and +felt for his knife to stab him. + +Sutherland got away and run to Stevens Point, where his wounds were +bound up. He says if any gentleman wants to take the job of reforming +Indians he will give up his situation. He meant well, but lacked +judgment. + + +***** + + +An item in the La Crosse _Chronicle_ says: “Two cats and a dog were +killed at the high school yesterday for inspection by the class in +physiology.” + +In preparing the youth of the land for a business career there is +nothing that tends more to ripen the mind and to prepare it for +overcoming the obstacles that will naturally be found in after life than +to learn to cut a dog in two. + +The ignorance of some of the business men of the present day is largely +to be attributed to the fact that the instructors of the youth in the +olden time never taught them how to carve a dog. How many times have we +been in positions since arriving at man's estate, when poring over some +great problem of science, where we would have given ten years of the +front end of our life if we knew how to make both ends meat, even if it +was dog meat? + +The knowledge that the students of the present day obtain in their study +of the dog will be valuable to them if ever they are caught in a melon +patch, and a dog fastens his teeth into their garments. They will know +how to go to work scientifically to unhinge the jaws of a dog, instead +of pulling one way, while the dog pulls the other, until the cloth or +the skin tears out. + +It will be a great thing to know all about how a dog is put together. +And if these students are taught how to kill cats they will more than +get their money back when they grow up. + +Ignorant people who have never had the advantages of studying the cat +when it is dead, attempt to kill them with boot-jacks and empty ale +bottles and tomato cans, but the next generation will know how to do it +scientifically, and not hurt the cat. + +This is certainly an age of improvement, and the _Sun_ desires that +school children shall know all about the anatomy of the festive dog and +the nocturnal cat, if they don't even know how to spell their own names. + + + + +BRAVERY OF MRS. GARFIELD + +The newspaper correspondents about the White House, echoing the remarks +made by the doctors, are continually talking of Mrs. Garfield's bravery, +and we frequently see the statement made that she is “the bravest woman +in the world,” and all that. While expressing great admiration for the +gifted lady, in the trying ordeal through which she has passed, and +admitting that she is brave as an American woman ought to be, and that +by her conduct she greatly braced up her beloved husband when his liver +was knocked around into the small of his back by the assassin's bullet, +and he didn't know whether he was going to live till morning, we must +say that Mrs. Garfield is no braver than thousands of other good women. + +She simply took the chances on his dying, as thousands of other wives do +every day, and for his good she put on the best face possible, and kept +her tears back. But how many obscure women have done the same thing, +as they sat by the side of their dying husbands, and made the patient +believe that he was getting better, and smiled while their hearts were +breaking? Was Mrs. Garfield braver than the sister of charity, God bless +her, who goes from the North to nurse total strangers in a stricken +southern city, when she knows that within a week the deadly fever will +kill her? + +Compare the President's wife for a moment with the wife of a drunken +husband, who points a revolver at her heart, and his nervous finger on +the trigger, while he announces that he will kill her. The wife looks +him in the eye and says, “Kill me, John, but kiss me first,” and the +drunken brute breaks down and cries, and she takes the revolver from +him, puts him to bed, soaks his feet and brings him a good supper. That +is bravery. + +Think of a frail little woman whose life has been one bed of thorns, and +whose happy hours have been so few that if an hour seems to open to her +with happiness she dare not enjoy it for fear there is a mistake, and it +is not hers to enjoy. In the wreck of her life's ambitions and hopes she +has saved only a dear little girl and her heart is so bound up in her +that it ceases to beat when she thinks that God may forget that the +little one is all she has, and call her home. + +One day the little one comes home with fever, takes to her bed, and for +weeks is just on the line between earth and heaven. The little mother, +hardly able to be upon her feet, believes as firmly as she believes that +she lives, that her darling will die, and that two hearts will be buried +in the coffin, and yet she watches beside her night and day with +smiles on her face, sings to her as though her heart were filled with +happiness, and occasionally gives expression to a jolly laugh, just to +brace up her little darling, and make her believe there is no danger, +and when the doctor says “she will live,” the brave little mother goes +to her room and cries for the first time, and faints away. + +Ah, gentlemen correspondents, you do well to speak of the bravery of the +President's wife, but you know that these incidents we have related, and +incidents you have seen in your own experiences, show as great, if not +greater bravery and heroism than that of the first woman of the land. +O, the country is full of women who are braver than the bravest man that +ever walked. + + + + +ILLUSTRATING THE ASSASSINATION. + +It is singular how a great calamity like the attempted assassination of +the President will bring people together on terms of familiarity, and +cause them to discuss things that they never knew anything about before. +People who never thought of such things before, except during the +cucumber season, have become familiar with their livers and internal +improvements, and talk as glibly of the abdomen, the umbilicus--as well +as the cuss who shot him--the peritonitis, the colon, the ilium, the +diaphragm, the alacumbumbletop and the diaphaneous cholagogue as though +they had been attending a Chicago meat cutting match at a students' +dissecting room. Men talk of little else, and this is noticeable more +particularly among men who have nothing to do. + +There were two old men who loaf a good deal around a grocery, discussing +the wound of the President, and one was trying to illustrate to the +other how it was. He put on his glasses and took up a butter tryer and +walked up to a lady customer who was leaning over the counter smelling +of some boarding-house prunes. She was a large lady, and perhaps as good +a subject as could have been found. The first old man called the other +up behind the woman, and said: + +“There, the assassin stood about as you do, and looked, probably, the +same as you do. Now, you take this spigot and point to the woman, about +here--” and he put the butter tryer on her back, near the belt. + +“Yes, I see,” said the second old man, as he nibbled a piece off a soda +cracker, and pointed the wooden spigot at the woman, with his finger on +the trigger. The woman was busy looking to see if there were any worms +in the prunes, and she didn't notice what was going on. + +“There,” said the first old man, as he pushed the end of the butter +tryer a little harder against the woman. “The bullet went in here, and +went around here close to the liver, though probably it didn't touch +the liver, passed through the thin membrane, and is probably lodged in +here,” and he reached around the woman with his left hand to where +her apron was tied on. “Now, if they cannot extract the ball the great +danger is from peritonitis--” + +At this point the woman observed what was going on, and she was about as +mad as a woman can be. Seizing a codfish that was on the head of a sugar +barrel by the tail she whacked the first old gent, who held the butter +tryer, over the head, and said: + +“Peritonitis is beginning to set in, you bald-headed old villain, and +general prostration will be the result. I will teach you to put your arm +around me. I am no manikin. Do you take me for a dissecting room? Put +down that gun, you idiot,” said she, as she wafted the codfish toward +the second old man, who still held up the spigot. + +The grocery man, who was cutting a cheese, came around the counter with +the cheese knife in his hand, and said he hoped there would be no more +bloodshed, and asked the old man to put down the butter tryer and go +out. The two old men went out on the sidewalk, when the woman told the +grocery man that no woman was safe a moment when those old reprobates +were allowed to run at large, and when she got so low down as to allow +people to practice assassination on her with wooden faucets and butter +tryers she would join a circus. When the two old men got out on the walk +the second one said to the first: + +“Didn't you know the woman?” + +“Know her? No. I didn't think it was necessary for a formal introduction +in a trying time like this, when we all want all the information we +can get about the great tragedy. There is no accommodation about some +people. But she has gone out now, so let us carry back the spigot and +butter tryer, and may be the grocery man will treat to the cider.” + +And the two old setters went in and sat down on the barrels and talked +about how they had known people along in 1837 to be shot all to pieces +and recover. + + + + +THE INFIDEL AND HIS SILVER MINE. + +It is announced in the papers that Colonel Ingersoll, the dollar a +ticket infidel, has struck it rich in a silver mine, and is now worth +a million dollars. Here is another evidence of the goodness of God. +Ingersoll has treated God with the greatest contempt, called Him all +the names he could think of, called Him a liar, a heartless wretch, and +stood on a stump and dared God to knock a chip off his shoulder, and +instead of God's letting him have one below the belt and knocking seven +kinds of cold victuals out of him, God gives him a pointer on a silver +mine, and the infidel rakes in a cool million, and laughs in his sleeve, +while thousands of poor workers in the vineyard are depending for a +livelihood on collections that pan out more gun wads and brass pants +buttons to the ton of ore than they do silver. This may be all right, +and we hope it is, and we don't want to give any advice on anybody +else's business, but it would please Christians a good deal better to +see that bold man taken by the slack of the pants and lifted into a poor +house, while the silver he has had fall to him was distributed among the +charitable societies, mission schools and churches, so a minister could +get his salary and buy a new pair of trousers to replace those that he +has worn the knees out of kneeling down on the rough floor to pray. + +It is mighty poor consolation to the ladies of a church society, to give +sociables, ice creameries, strawberry festivals and all kinds of things +to raise money to buy a carpet for a church or lecture room, and wash +their own dishes, and then hear that some infidel who is around the +country calling God a pirate and a horse thief, at a dollar a head, to +full houses, has miraculously struck a million dollar silver mine. + +To the toiling minister who prays without ceasing, and eats codfish and +buys clothes at a second hand store, it looks pretty rough to see Bob +Inger-soll steered onto a million dollar silver mine. But it may be all +right, and we presume it is. Maybe God has got the hook in Bob's mouth, +and is letting him play around the way a fisherman does a black bass, +and when he thinks he is running the whole business, and flops around +and scares the other fish, it is possible Bob may be reeled in, and he +will find himself on the bottom of the boat with a finger and thumb +in his gills and a big boot on his paunch, and he will be compelled to +disgorge the hook and the bait and all, and he will lay there and try +to flop out of the boat, and wonder what kind of a game this is that is +being played on him. + +Everything turns out right some time, and from what we have heard of +God, off and on, we don't believe He is going to let no ordinary man, +bald headed and apoplectic, carry off all the persimmons, and put his +fingers to his nose and dare the ruler of the universe to tread on the +tail of his coat. + +Bob Ingersoll has got the bulge on all the Christians now, and draws +more water than anybody, but He who notes the sparrow's fall has no +doubt got an eye on the fat rascal, and some day will close two or three +fingers around Bob's throat, when his eyes will stick out so you can +hang your hat on them, and he will blat like a calf and get down on his +knees and say: + +“Please, Mr. God, don't choke so, and I will give it all back and +go around and tell the boys that I am the almightiest liar that ever +charged a dollar a head to listen to the escaping wind from a blown up +bladder. O, good God, don't hurt so. My neck is all chafed.” + +And then he will die, and God will continue business at the old stand. + + + + +THE GREAT MONOPOLIES. + +There is an association of old fossils at New York calling themselves +the “Anti-Monopoly League,” that has taken the job on their hands of +saving the country from eternal and everlasting ruin at the hands of +the gigantic monopolies, the railroads, and this league, through its +President, L. E. Chittenden, is sending editorials and extracts from +speeches delivered by great men who have been refused passes, or who +have not been retained by railroads to conduct law suits as much as they +think they ought to be, to newspapers all over the country requesting +their publication. + +_The Sun_ gets its regular share of these documents each week, which +go into the waste basket with a regularity that is truly remarkable, +considering that we are not a railroad monopoly. But there is something +so ridiculous about these articles that one cannot help laughing. They +claim that the country is in the grasp of the gigantic monopolies, and +that they will choke the country to death and ruin everybody, though +what the object can be in running the country and everybody in it, is +not stated. + +These monopolies have taken the country when it was as weak as gruel, +and hoisted it by the slack of the pants to the leading position among +nations. The monopolies have built their track all over God's creation, +where land could not be given away, have hauled emigrants out there +and set them up in business, and made the waste land of the government +valuable. They have made transportation so cheap that the emigrant from +Germany of last year can send wheat from Dakota to the Fatherland, and +Bismarck and King William can get it cheaper than they can wheat grown +within a mile of their castles. + +These monopolies that the played out nine-spot anti-monopoly leagues +are howling against have made the country what it is, and if there +is anybody in this country that don't like it, they can get emigrant +tickets and go to Germany or Norway and take the places of the men that +the monopolies are causing to settle here. Of course we could all run +railroads better than the owners run them, but as long as we have not +got money enough to buy them we better shut up our yap and let Jay Gould +and his fellows do what they please with their own, as long as they +permit the country to prosper as it is prospering now. The anti-monopoly +leaguers had better go to driving street cars. + + + + +ANOTHER DEAD FAILURE. + +Again we are called upon to apologize to our readers for advertising +what we had reason to expect would occur at the time advertised, but +which failed to show up. We allude to the end of the world which was to +have taken place last Sunday. + +It is with humility that we confess that we were again misled into +believing that the long postponed event would take place, and with +others we got our things together that we intended to take along, only +to be compelled to unpack them Monday morning. + +Now this thing is played out, and the next time any party advertises +that the world will come to an end, we shall take no stock in it. And +then it will be just our luck to have the thing come to an end, when we +are not prepared. There is the worst sort of mismanagement about this +business somewhere, and we are not sure but it is best to allow God to +go ahead and attend to the closing up of earthly affairs, and give these +fellows that figure out the end of all things with a slate and pencil +the grand bounce. + +It is a dead loss to this country of millions of dollars every time +there is a prediction that the world will come to an end, because there +are lots of men who quit business weeks beforehand and do not try to +earn a living, but go lunching around. We lost over fifteen dollars' +worth of advertising last week from people who thought if the thing was +going up the flue on Sunday there was no use of advertising any more, +and we refused twenty dollars' worth more because we thought if that was +the last paper we were going to get out we might as well knock off work +Friday and Saturday and go and catch a string of perch. The people have +been fooled about this thing enough, and the first man that comes around +with any more predictions ought to be arrested. + +People have got enough to worry about, paying taxes, and buying +strawberries and sugar, to can, without feeling that if they get a tax +receipt the money will be a dead loss, or if they put up a cellar full +of canned fruit the world will tip over on it and break every jar and +bust every tin can. + +Hereafter we propose to go right along as though the world was going to +stay right side up, have our hair cut, and try and behave, and then if +old mother earth shoots off into space without any warning we will take +our chances with the rest in catching on to the corner of some passing +star and throw our leg over and get acquainted with the people there, +and maybe start a funny paper and split the star wide open. + + + + +OUR BLUE-COATED DOG POISONERS. + +“Papa, the cruel policeman has murdered little Gip! He sneaked up and +frowed a nice piece of meat to Gip, and Gip he eated it, and fanked the +policeman with his tail, and runned after him and teased for more, but +the policeman fought Gip had enough, and then Gip stopped and looked +sorry he had eaten it, and pretty soon he laid down and died, and the +policeman laughed and went off feeling good. If Dan Sheehan was the +policeman any more he wouldn't poison my dog, would he, pa?” + +The above was the greeting the bald-headed _Sun_ man received on +Thursday, and a pair of four-year-old brown eyes were full enough of +tears to break the heart of a policeman of many years' standing, and the +little, crushed master of the dead King Charles spaniel went to sleep +sobbing and believing that policemen were the greatest blot upon the +civilization of the nineteenth century. + +Here was a little fellow that had from the day he first stood on his +feet after the scarlet fever had left him alive, been allowing his heart +to become entwined with love for that poor little dog. For nearly a year +the dog had been ready to play with the child when everybody else was +tired out, and never once had the dog been cross or backed out of a +romp, and the laughter and the barking has many a time been the only +sound of happiness in the neighborhood. + +If the boy slept too long after dinner, the dog went and rooted around +him as much as to say, “Look a here, Mr. Roy, you can't play this on +your partner any longer. You get up here and we will have a high old +time, and don't you forget it.” And pretty soon the sound of baby feet +and dog's toe nails would be heard on the stairs, and the circus would +commence. + +If the dog slept too long of an afternoon, the boy would hunt him out, +take hold of his tail with one hand, and an ear with the other, and lug +him into the parlor, saying, “Gip, too much sleep is what is ruining the +dogs in this country. Now, brace up and play horse with me.” And then +there was fun. + +Well, it is all over; but while we write there is a little fellow +sleeping on a tear-stained pillow, dreaming, perhaps, of a heaven where +the woods are full of King Charles' spaniel dogs, and a doorkeeper +stands with a club to keep out policemen. And still we cannot blame +policemen--it is the law that is to blame--the wise men who go to the +legislature, and make months with one day too much, pass laws that a +dog shall be muzzled and wear a brass check, or he is liable to go mad. +Statistics show that not one dog in a million ever goes mad, and that +they are more liable to go mad in winter than in summer; but several +hundred years ago somebody said that summer was “dog days,” and the +law-makers of this enlightened nineteenth century still insist on a wire +muzzle at a season of the year when a dog wants air and water, and wants +his tongue out. + +So we compel our guardians of the peace to go around assassinating dogs. +Men, who as citizens, would cut their hands off before they would injure +a neighbor's property, or speak harsh to his dog, when they hire out to +the city must stifle all feelings of humanity, and descend to the level +of Paris scavengers. We compel them to do this. If they would get on +their ears and say to the city of Milwaukee, “We will guard your city, +and protect you from insult, and die for you if it becomes necessary; +but we will see you in hades before we will go around assassinating +dogs,” we as a people, would think more of them, and perhaps build them +a decent station house to rest in. + +The dog law is as foolish as the anti-treating law, and if it were not +enforced, no harm would be done. Our legislators have to pass about so +many laws anyway, and we should use our judgment about enforcing them. + +But the dog is dead, and the little man meditates a terrible revenge. He +is going to have a goat that can whip a policeman, he says; then there +will be fun around the parsonage. + + + + +AND HE ROSE UP AND SPAKE. + +As a general thing railroad men are “pretty fly,” as the saying is, +and not very apt to be scared. But a case occurred up on the La Crosse +division of the St. Paul road last week that caused a good deal of hair +to stand. + +The train from St. Paul east runs to La Crosse, where all hands are +changed, and the new gang run to Chicago. On the trip of which we speak +there was placed in the baggage car at St. Paul a coffin, and at Lake +City a parrot in a cage was put in. Before the train got to Winona other +baggage was piled on top, so the coffin only showed one end, and the +parrot cage was behind a trunk, next to the barrel of drinking water, +out of sight, and where the cage would not get jammed. At La Crosse the +hands were changed, and conductor Fred Cornes, as 6:35 arrived, shouted +his cheery “All aboard,” and the train moved off. The coffin was seen +by all the men in the baggage car, and a solemnity took possession of +everybody. Railroad men never feel 'entirely happy when a corpse is on +the train. + +The run to Sparta was made, and Fred went to the baggage car, and +noticing the coffin and the mournful appearance of the boys, he told +them to brace up and have some style about them He said it was what we +had all to come to, sooner or later, and for his part a corpse or two, +more or less, in a car made no difference to him. He said he had rather +have a car load of dead people than go into an emigrant train when some +were eating cheese and others were taking off their shoes and feeding +infants. + +He sat down in a chair and was counting over his tickets, and wondering +where all the passes come from, when the Legislature is not in session. +The train was just going through the tunnel near Greenfield, and Fred +says. + +“Boys, we are now in the bowels of the earth, way down deeper than a +grave. Whew! how close it smells.” + +Just then the baggagemaster had taken a dipper of water from the barrel, +and was drinking it, when a sepulchral voice, that seemed to come from +the coffin, said: + +“Dammit, let me out!” + +The baggage man had his mouth fall of water, and when he heard the voice +from the tombs, he squirted the water clear across the car, onto the +express messenger, turned pale, and leaned against a trunk. + +Fred Cornes heard the noise, and, chucking the tickets into his pocket +and grabbing his lantern, he said, as he looked at the coffin: + +“Who said that! Now, no ventriloquism on me, boys. I'm an old traveler, +and don't you fool with me.” + +The baggage man had by this time got his breath, and he swore upon his +sacred honor that the corpse in there was alive, and asked to be let +out. + +Fred went out of the car to register at Greenfield, and the express +messenger opened the door to put out some egg cases, and the baggage man +pulled out a trunk. He was so weak he couldn't lift it. They were all as +pale as a whitewashed fence. + +After the train left Greenfield they all gathered in the car and +listened at a respectful distance from the coffin. All was as still as +a car can be that is running twenty-five miles an hour. They gathered +a little nearer, but no noise, when Cornes said they were all off their +base, and had better soak their heads. + +“You fellows are overworked, and are nervous, The company ought to give +you a furlough, and pay your expenses to the sea shore.” + +Just then there was a rustling as if somebody had rolled over in bed and +a voice said, as plainly as possible: + +“O, how I suffer!” + +If a nitro-glycerine bomb had exploded there could not have been more +commotion. The express man rushed forward, and was going to climb over +into the tender of the engine, the baggage man started for the emigrant +car to see if there was anybody from the place in Germany that his hired +girl came from, and Cornes happened to think that he had not collected +fare from an Indian that got on at Greenfield with a lot of muskrat +skins. In less than four seconds the corpse and parrot were the sole +occupants of the car. The three train men and a brakeman met in the +emigrant car and looked at each other. + +They never said a word for about two minutes, when Fred opened the ball. +He said there was no use of being scared, if the man was dead he was not +dangerous, and if he was alive the four of them could whip him, if he +undertook to run things. What they were in duty bound to do was to let +him out. No man could enjoy life screwed down in a sarcophagus like +that. + +“Now,” says Cornes, “there is a doctor from Milwaukee in the sleeper. +I will go and ask him to come in the baggage car, and you fellows go in +and pull the trunks off that coffin, and we will take a screw driver +and a can-opener and give the man air. That's doing as a fellow would be +done by.” + +So he went and got the doctor and told him he had got a case for him. +He wanted him to practice on a dead man. The doctor put on his pants and +overcoat, and went with Fred. As they came into the baggage car the boys +were lifting a big trunk off the coffin, when the voice said: + +“Go easy. Glory hallelujah!” + +Then they all turned pale again, but all took hold of the baggage and +worked with a will, while the doctor held a screw driver he had fished +out of a tool box. + +The doctor said the man was evidently alive, but the chances were that +he might die from suffocation before they could unscrew all the screws +of the outside box and the coffin, and he said he didn't know but the +best way would be to take an ax and break it open. + +Fred said that was his idea, and he was just going for the ax when the +brakeman moved the water barrel, tipped over the parrot cage, and the +parrot shook himself and looked mad and said. “There, butterfingers! +Polly wants a cracker.” + +Cornes had just come up with the axe, and was about to tell the brakeman +to chop the box, when the parrot spoke. + +“Well, by-----,” said the baggageman. The doctor laughed, the brakeman +looked out the door to see how the weather was, and the conductor said, +“I knew it was a parrot all the time, but you fellows were so anxious to +chop into the box that I was going to let you. I never saw a lot of men +with so much curiosity.” Then they all united in trying to bribe the +doctor not to tell the story in Milwaukee. + + + + +GOT IN THE WRONG PEW. + +When the Young Men's Christian Association left our bed and board, +without just cause or provocation, and took up its abode in Bon Accord +Hall, we felt as though we had been bereaved of a fruitful source of +items, and at first we were inclined to advertise the association, and +warn dealers not to trust them on our account, as their credit was as +good as ours, but almost every day we hear of something that will do to +write up. + +The new hall of the association was formerly used by Prof. Sherman as a +dancing academy, and the other night when young Mr. Collingbourne agreed +to go around to the dancing school and escort a lady friend home, about +half past nine, he did not know of the change. At the appointed time +he went to the place he had always found the dancing school, and at the +bottom of the stairs he met a solemn looking sort of person who handed +him a circular and said, “Come in, brother, and partake freely of the +waters of life.” + +“You bet your boots,” says Collingbourne, as he threw his cigar into the +street, “but don't we get anything but water?” + +Mr. Collingbourne is the last man in the world who would appear +irreverent, but he thought it was a dancing school, and when a mournful +looking man on the first landing took him by the arm and said, “Come +all ye who are weary and heavy laden,” he felt that there was an effort +being made to snatch his watch, so he jerked away from the brother and +told him he didn't want any taffy, and if he wasn't careful he would get +kicked so his head would ache. + +The good brother thought Collingbourne was a brand that it would be +creditable to pluck from the burning, so he followed him up stairs, +telling him there was salvation for all, only to meet with the reply +that he better mind his own business or he would get salivated so his +folks would not know him. + +At the top of the stairs he met two men that he had never seen at the +dancing school, and he felt as though he was being cornered for no good, +as the other fellow had closed in on his rear. The two new brothers each +took hold of one of his hands, and were telling him how glad they were +that he had shown a disposition to turn over a new leaf and try to lead +a different life, and they began to picture to him the beauty of faith, +when he backed up against the railing and said, “I don't know who you +fellows are, but you have tackled the wrong boy. I have been brought +up in this town, and I know all the games, and you can't get me on +any racket,” and then he looked at the door, as the piano sounded the +beautiful tune, “From Greenland's Icy Mountains,” and asked, “What time +does the cotillion break up?” The good brother told him it was early +yet, and “while the lamp holds out to burn, the vilest sinner may +return.” + +The visitor said he would go in, he guessed, and shake his foot once, +just for luck, and he opened the door. Such a sight met his eyes as he +never saw in a dancing school before. The whole congregation nearly, was +on its knees, and a good man was offering up a prayer that was indeed +beautiful. Collingborne began to sweat in three different languages, but +being a gentleman who had the most unbounded respect for religion in all +its forms, he uncovered his head and bowed reverently while the prayer +was being uttered. + +When it was through he turned to one of the truly good people in the +hall, that had watched his devotion, and said, “Say, boss, this is +evidently a new scheme. I thought this was Sherman's dancing school. You +must excuse my seeming irreverence. If you will kick me down stairs I +will consider it a special dispensation of providence,” and he went down +into the wicked world and asked a policeman where the dancing school +was. All the way home the lady friend asked him what made him so solemn, +but he only said his boots fit him too quick. He never goes to a dancing +school now without finding out if it is there yet. + + + + +PALACE CATTLE CARS. + +The papers are publishing accounts of the arrival east of a train of +palace cattle cars, and illustrating how much better the cattle feel +after a trip in one of these cars, than cattle did when they made the +journey in the ordinary cattle cars. + +As we understand it the cars are fitted up in the most gorgeous manner, +in mahogany and rosewood, and the upholstering is something perfectly +grand, and never before undertaken except in the palaces of the old +world. + +As you enter the car there is a reception room, with a few chairs, a +lounge and an ottoman, and a Texas steer gently waves you to a seat with +his horns, while he switches off your hat with his tail. If there is +any particular cow, or steer, or ox, that you wish to see, you give your +card to the attendant steer, and he excuses himself and trots off to +find the one you desire to see. You do not have long to wait, for the +animal courteously rises, humps up his or her back, stretches, yawns, +and with the remark, “the galoot wants to interview me, probably, and +I wish he would keep away,” the particular one sought for comes to the +reception room and puts out its front foot for a shake, smiles and says, +“Glad you came. Was afraid you would let us go away and not call.” + +Then the cow or steer sits down on its haunches and the conversation +flows in easy channels. You ask how they like the country, and if they +have good times, and if they are not hard worked, and all that; and they +yawn and say the country is splendid at this season of the year, and +that when passing along the road they feel as though they would like to +get out in some meadow, and eat grass and switch flies. + +The steer asks the visitor if he does not want to look through the car, +when he says he would like to if it is not too much trouble. The steer +says it is no trouble at all, at the same time shaking his horns as +though he was mad, and kicking some of the gilding off of a stateroom. + +“This,” says the steer who is doing the honors, “is the stateroom +occupied by old Brindle, who is being shipped from St. Joseph, Mo. +Brindle weighs 1,600 on foot--Brindle, get up and show yourself to the +gentleman.” + +Brindle kicks off the red blanket, rolls her eyes in a lazy sort of way, +bellows, and stands up in the berth, humps up her back so it raises the +upper berth and causes a heifer that is trying to sleep off a debauch +of bran mash, to kick like a steer, and then looks at the interviewer +as much as to say, “O, go on now and give us a rest.” Brindle turns her +head to a fountain that is near, in which Apollinaris water is flowing, +perfumed with new mown hay, drinks, turns her head, and licks her +back, and stops and thinks, and then looking around as much as to say, +“Gentlemen, you will have to excuse me,” lays down with her head on a +pillow, pulls the coverlid over her and begins to snore. + +The attendant steer steers the visitor along the next apartment, which +is a large one, filled with cattle in all positions. One is lying in +a hammock, with her feet on the window, reading the Chicago _Times_ +article on “Oleomargerine, or Bull Butter,” at intervals stopping +the reading to curse the writer, who claims that oleomargarine is an +unlawful preparation, containing deleterious substances. + +A party of four oxen are seated around a table playing seven-up for the +drinks, and as the attendant steer passes along, a speckled ox with one +horn broken, orders four pails full of Waukesha water with a dash of +oatmeal in it, “and make it hot,” says the ox, as he counts up high, +low, jack and the game. + +Passing the card players the visitor notices an upright piano, and asks +what that is for, and the attendant steer says they are all fond of +music, and asks if he would not like to hear some of the cattle play. He +says he would, and the steer calls out a white cow who is sketching, and +asks her to warble a few notes. The cow seats herself on her haunches on +the piano stool, after saying she has such a cold she can't sing, and, +besides, has left her notes at home in the pasture. Turning over a few +leaves with her forward hoof, she finds something familiar, and proceeds +to walk on the piano keys with her forward feet and bellow, “Meat me in +the slaughterhouse when the due bill falls,” or something of that kind, +when the visitor says he has got to go up to the stock yards and attend +a reception of Colorado cattle, and he lights out. + +We should think these parlor cattle cars would be a success, and that +cattle would enjoy them very much. It is said that parties desiring to +charter these cars for excursions for human beings, can be accommodated +at any time when they are not needed to transport cattle, if they will +give bonds to return them in as good order as they find them. + + + + +DUCK OR NO DINNER. + +There is nothing that gives pious people more annoyance than to hear +shooting on Sunday on some adjacent marsh while they are worshipping, +and there is nothing much more annoying to wicked Sunday, hunters than +to have ducks fly habitually in the vicinity of a church. + +Winneconne, up on the Wolf river, is about evenly divided between-church +going people and those who take more pleasure in standing behind a shot +gun. When ducks fly about Winneconne in the Spring they follow the river +up and down, and the bridge in town is a favorite place for hunters to +stand and pepper the ducks with shot. + +One Sunday about three weeks ago the ducks were flying terrible, and +when the bell rung for church the bridge was pretty well covered with +hunters, and many worshippers entered the church hard by with the smell +of powder in their spring bonnets. The hunters were so interested in +the ducks of the air that they did not notice the ducks on the way to +church. + +Finally the church people all got seated and the minister gave them an +excellent sermon, which was only occasionally interrupted by the good +man dodging down behind the pulpit to escape a stray charge of No. 4 +shot which came through the open window. No complaint was made, and no +sarcastic remarks were made about the wicked men who were out of meat, +and were shooting up a little for dinner, though there were silent +prayers offered for the Sabbath breakers. + +At last the services were over, and the chair was singing, “A charge +to keep I have,” as the minister was picking some duck shot out of his +trousers, when there was a commotion. A wounded duck had fallen on the +door step of the church and being only “winged” had fluttered into the +church, and crawled under the seats, when a couple of retriever dogs +belonging to a German rushed into the sacred edifice and went howling +under the seats after the duck, while the owner's voice could be heard +outside yelling, “Rouse mit em!” + +Well, some of them, those who had clock work stockings, held their feet +up in the air to get them away from the dogs, while others jumped up +on the pews and yelled bloody murder. Some went for the windows, and a +brakeman tells us that the senior deacon fainted away. + +The dogs retrieved the duck, and as the congregation came out of the +church the German went down toward the bridge wringing the neck of the +duck and kicking the dogs for not having more sense than to go right +into a church during service. + +The hunters of Winneconne should be talked to by the presiding elder. +They do very wrong to shoot on Sunday. + + + + +THE GUINEA PIG. + +Nobody knows who is to blame for bringing the first Guinea pig to this +country, but certainly he didn't do anything very creditable. A Guinea +pig does not know anything, and never-learns anything. It is quite a +neat little plaything for children, and if it had any sense would become +a pet, but it never learns a thing. + +A lady living near a theatre in this city bought a Guinea pig in Chicago +recently and brought it home, and it has been in the family ever since, +and it has never learned anything except when it is hungry it goes to +the lady and nibbles her foot, and how it learned that nobody knows. + +One day it got away and strayed into the theatre, where it ran around +until the audience got seated for the evening performance, when the pig +began to fool around under the seats, probably looking for the lady that +owned it. On the front row in the dress circle was a young man and woman +from Waukesha. Whether the Guinea pig mistook the girl for its owner +or not is not positively known, but the animal was seen to go under the +seat occupied by the young woman. + +Her attendant was leaning over her shoulder whispering in her ear, when +suddenly she jumped about two feet high, and grabbed her dress with both +hands. Her feller had his chin scratched by a pin that held a bow on her +shoulder, and as he wiped it off he asked her, as she came down into +the seat again, if she had them often. + +A bald-headed citizen who sat next to her looked around at the woman in +astonishment, and took up his overcoat and moved to another seat. She +looked sassy at the bald-headed man, and told her escort the man had +insulted her. He said he would attend to the man after the show was out. + +About three seats further down toward the stage there was a girl +from the West Side, with a young fellow, and they were very sociable. +Suddenly he leaned over to pick up a programme he had dropped, just +as the Guinea pig nibbled her instep. She drew herself away from her +escort, blushing, and indignation depicted on every feature, looked the +other way, and would not speak to him again during the whole evening. +He thought she was flirting with somebody else, and he was mad, and they +sat there all the evening looking as though they were married. + +The Guinea pig went on down the row, and presently another woman hopped +up clear out of the seat, said, “For heaven's sake what was that?” and +looked around at a man who sat in the seat behind her as though she +could eat him raw. + +Just before the curtain rose the pig got into a lady's rubber and went +to sleep, and when the performance was over and she went to put on +the shoe, she screamed a little and jumped up on the seat, and said +something about rats, which brought an usher to her assistance, and he +took the Guinea pig and sent it to its owner. For a few minutes there +was almost as much commotion as there would be at a picnic if a boy +should break up a nest of hornets. + + + + +FAILURE OF A SOLID INSTITUTION. + +We are astonished to see that a Boston dealer in canned goods has +failed. If there is one branch of business that ought to be solid it +is that of canning fruits and things, for there must be the almightiest +profit on it that there is on anything. It must be remembered that the +stuff is canned when it is not salable in its natural state. + +If the canners took tomatoes, for instance, when they first came around, +at half a dollar for six, and canned them, there would be some excuse +for charging twenty-five cents for a tin thing full, but they wait until +the vines are so full of tomatoes that the producer will pay the cartage +if you will haul them away, and then the tomatoes are dipped into hot +water so the skin will drop off, and they are chucked into cans that +cost two cents each, and you pay two shillings for them, when you +get hungry for tomatoes. The same way with peas, and peaches, and +everything. + +Did you ever try to eat canned peas? They are always old back numbers +that are as hard and tasteless as chips, and are canned after they have +been dried for seed. We bought a can of peas once for two shillings and +couldn't crack them with a nut cracker. But they were not a dead loss, +as we used them the next fall for buck shot. Actually, we shot a coon +with a charge of those peas, and he came down and struck the water, and +died of the cholera morbus the next day. + +Talk of canned peaches; in the course of a brilliant career of forty +years we have never seen only six cans of peaches that were worth the +powder to blast them open. A man that will invent a can opener that will +split open one of these pale, sickly, hard hearted canned peaches, that +swim around in a pint of slippery elm juice in a tin can, has got a +fortune. And they have got to canning pumpkin, and charging money for +it. + +Why, for a dollar a canning firm can buy pumpkins enough to fill all +the tin cans that they can make in a year, and yet they charge a fellow +twenty cents for a can of pumpkin, and then the canning establishment +fails. It must be that some raw pumpkin has soured on the hands of the +Boston firm, or may be, and now we think we are on the right track to +ferret out the failure, it may be that the canning of Boston baked beans +is what caused the stoppage. + +We had read of Boston baked beans since school days, and had never seen +any till four years ago, when we went to a picnic and bought a can +to take along. We new how baked beans ought to be cooked from years' +experience, but supposed the Boston bean must hold over every other +bean, so when the can was opened and we found that every bean was +separate from every other bean, and seemed to be out on its own +recognizance, and that they were as hard as a flint, we gave them to +the children to play marbles with, and soured on Boston baked beans. +Probably it was canning Boston beans that broke up the canning +establishment. + + +***** + + +The Decoration Day exercises at Appleton were somewhat marred by a +discussion as to whether the graves of Confederate soldiers should be +decorated, and one man--Prof. Sawyer--a soldier who lost a leg in the +army, said that if anybody should attempt to decorate a rebel soldier's +grave in his vicinity, it would have to be done over his--Sawyer's--dead +body. + +Notwithstanding this heartrending recital, the graves of rebel soldiers +in many places in this state and throughout the north, were decorated by +Union soldiers. What hurt does it do to throw a few flowers on the clay +that covers one who was once your enemy? Nobody thinks less of the Union +soldier for it, and it would make the southern mother or sister of the +dead boy feel so much better to know that kind hands at the north had +done a noble act. + +Suppose this Professor Sawyer had been killed and buried down south, +and the Confederate people should be decorating the graves of their +own dead, and they should throw a few flowers on his grave, and some +hot-headed vindictive rebel should get on his ear and say that the man +who laid that bouquet on the Yankee's grave would have to take it off +or fight. The professor, if he laid there and heard it, would feel like +getting out of the grave, and taking a crutch and mauling the liver out +of the bigoted rebel. + +It is not the rebel's cause that we decorate, but we put a few flowers +above his remains to show the people who loved him at home, that there +is nothing so confounded mean about us after all, and that we do as we +would be done by, and that while we were mad, and sassy, and full of +fight, eighteen years ago, we want to be friends, and shake hands +over the respective graves of our loved ones, and quit making fools of +ourselves. + + +***** + + +A Ridiculous scene occurred a Palmyra, the other day. The furnace in the +basement of the church is reached by a trap door, which is right beside +the pulpit. There was a new preacher there from abroad, and he did not +know anything about the trap door, and the sexton went down there to +fix the fire, before the new minister arrived. The minister had just got +warmed up in his sermon, and was picturing to his hearers hell in all +its heat. He had got excited and told of the lake of burning brimstone +below, where the devil was the stoker, and where the heat was ten +thousand times hotter than a political campaign, and where the souls of +the wicked would roast, and fry, and stew until the place froze over. + +Wiping the perspiration from his face, he said, pointing to the floor, +“Ah, my friends, look down into that seething, burning lake, and--” Just +at this point the trap door raised a little, and the sexton's face, +with coal smut all over it, appeared. He wanted to come up and hear the +sermon. + +If hell had broke loose, the new minister could not have been more +astonished. He stepped back, grasped his manuscript, and was just about +to jump from the pulpit, when a deacon on the front seat said, “It's all +right, brother, he has only _been down below to see about the fire._” + The sexton came up and shut down the trap door, the color came back to +the face of the minister, and he went on, though the incident seemed to +take the tuck all out of him. + +A traveling man who happened to be at the church tells us that he knows +the minister was scared, for he sweat so that the perspiration run right +down on the carpet and made a puddle as though a dipper of water had +been tipped over there. The minister says he was not scared, but we +don't see how he could help it. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Sunshine, by George W. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/25491-0.zip b/25491-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5cbfdaa --- /dev/null +++ b/25491-0.zip diff --git a/25491-h.zip b/25491-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eea2e1d --- /dev/null +++ b/25491-h.zip diff --git a/25491-h/25491-h.htm b/25491-h/25491-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0005e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/25491-h/25491-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,10536 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> + <title> + Peck's Sunshine, by George W. Peck + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Sunshine, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Peck's Sunshine + Being a Collection of Articles Written for Peck's Sun, + Milwaukee, Wis. - 1882 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25491] +Last Updated: October 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S SUNSHINE *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img alt="cover (73K)" src="images/cover.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img alt="titlepage (38K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h1> + PECK'S SUNSHINE + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By George W. Peck + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h4> + Being a Collection of Articles Written for Peck's Sun, Milwaukee, Wis.,<br /> + Generally Calculated to Throw Sunshine Instead of Clouds on the Faces<br /> + of Those Who Read Them. + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h5> + Belford, Clarke & Co. - 1882. + </h5> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> “NOT GUILTY.” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> PECK'S SUNSHINE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> FEMALE DOCTORS WILL NEVER DO. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> CROSSMAN'S GOAT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> A MEAN TRICK. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> A FEMALE KNIGHT OF PYTHIAS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> THE TELESCOPE FISH-POLE CANE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> AN ARM THAT IS NOT RELIABLE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> BOUNCED FROM CHURCH FOR DANCING. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> POLICE SEARCHING WOMEN. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> ABOUT HELL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> UNSCREWING THE TOP OF A FRUIT JAR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> BUTTERMILK BIBBERS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> AN ÆSTHETIC FEMALE CLUB BUSTED. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> FOOLING WITH THE BIBLE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> COLORED CONCERT TROUPES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> COULDN'T GET AWAY FROM HIM. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> DOGS AND HUMAN BEINGS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> ARTHUR WILL KEEP A COW. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> SHALL THERE BE HUGGING IN THE PARKS? </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> THE BOB-TAILED BADGER. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> CANNIBALS AND CORK LEGS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> THE MINISTERIAL PUGILISTS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> MUSIC ON THE WATERS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> WOMAN-DOZING A DEMOCRAT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> A LIVELY TRAIN LOAD. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> HOW SHARPER THAN A HOUND'S TOOTH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> A SEWING MACHINE GIVEN TO THE BOSS GIRL. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> DON'T APPRECIATE KINDNESS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> RELIGION AND FISH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> A DOCTOR OF LAWS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> THE DIFFERENCE IN HORSES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> ADDICTED TO LIMBURG CHEESE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> TERRIBLE TIME ON THE CARS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> CHANGED SATCHELS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> THE NAUGHTY BUT NICE CHURCH CHOIR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> SENSE IN LITTLE BUGS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> SUMMER RESORTING. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> THE GOSPEL CAR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> INCIDENTS AT THE NEWHALL HOUSE FIRE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> THE WAY WOMEN BOSS A PILLOW. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> THE DEADLY PAPER BAG </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> THE VIRGINIA DUEL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> THE DIFFERENCE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> SPURIOUS TRIPE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> A CASE OF PARALYSIS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> MALE AND FEMALE MASHING. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> THE USES OF THE PAPER BAG. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> THE NEW COAL STOVE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> A COLD, CHEERLESS RIDE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> SOME TALK ABOUT MONOPOLIES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> A BALD-HEADED MAN MOST CRAZY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0053"> ACCIDENTS AND INCIDENTS AT THEATRES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> ALL ABOUT A SANDWICH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> GOODWILL AND COMPASSION. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> THE FEMALE BURGLAR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> THE GIRL THAT WAS HUGGED TO DEATH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> OUR CHRISTIAN NEIGHBORS HAVE GONE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> THE SUDDEN FIRE-WORKS AT RACINE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> YOUNG FOOLS WHO MARRY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> LARGE MOUTHS ARE FASHIONABLE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> LOOKING FOR A MOOLEY COW. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0063"> THE HARMFUL HAMMOCK. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> BOYS AND CIRCUSES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> A TRYING SITUATION. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0066"> THE KIND OF A DOCTOR TO HAVE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ABE TALKING + ABOUT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> A KANSAS CYCLONE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> HOW JEFF DAVIS WAS CAPTURED. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> THOSE BOLD, BAD DRUMMERS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> ANGELS OR EAGLES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> AN ACCIDENT ALL ABOUND. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0073"> PRIZE FIGHTING AND MORMONISM. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0074"> MISDEAL IN A SLEEPING CAR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0075"> PARALYSIS IN A THEATRE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0076"> THE QUEEREST NAME. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0077"> CHURCH KENO. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0078"> THE ADVENT PREACHER AND THE BALLOON. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0079"> THE CAUSE OF RHEUMATISM. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0080"> HOW A GROCERY MAN WAS MAIMED. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0081"> CAMP MEETING IN THE DARK OF THE MOON. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0082"> ANOTHER VIEW OF THE CASK </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0083"> THE PIOUS DEACON AND THE WORLDLY COW. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0084"> THE QUESTION OF CATS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0085"> THE KNIGHT AND THE BRIDAL CHAMBER. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0086"> THE HOUSE GIRL RACE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0087"> THE TROUBLE MR. STOREY HAS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0088"> TRAGEDY ON THE STAGE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0089"> THE MISTAKE ABOUT IT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0090"> THE MAN FROM DUBUQUE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0091"> THE GIDDY GIRLS QUARREL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0092"> DON'T LEAVE YOUR GUM AROUND. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0093"> THE WAY TO NAME CHILDREN. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0094"> ABOUT RAILROAD CONDUCTORS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0095"> A HOT BOX AT A PICNIC. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0096"> BROKE UP A PRAYER MEETING. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0097"> SHOOTING ON SUNDAY, WITH THE MOUTH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0098"> A WASHINGTON SURPRISE PARTY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0099"> THE DIFFERENCE IN CLOTHES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0100"> A TEMPERANCE LECTURE THAT HURT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0101"> BRAVERY OF MRS. GARFIELD </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0102"> ILLUSTRATING THE ASSASSINATION. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0103"> THE INFIDEL AND HIS SILVER MINE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0104"> THE GREAT MONOPOLIES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0105"> ANOTHER DEAD FAILURE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0106"> OUR BLUE-COATED DOG POISONERS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0107"> AND HE ROSE UP AND SPAKE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0108"> GOT IN THE WRONG PEW. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0109"> PALACE CATTLE CARS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0110"> DUCK OR NO DINNER. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0111"> THE GUINEA PIG. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0112"> FAILURE OF A SOLID INSTITUTION. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + “NOT GUILTY.” + </h2> + <p> + Gentlemen of the Jury: I stand before you charged with an attempt to + “remove” the people of America by the publication of a new book, and I + enter a plea of “Not Guilty.” While admitting that the case looks strong + against me, there are extenuating circumstances, which, if you will weigh + them carefully, will go far towards acquitting me of this dreadful charge. + The facts are that I am not responsible, I was sane enough up to the day + that I decided to publish this book and have been since; but on that + particular day I was taken possession of by an unseen power—a + Chicago publisher-who filled my alleged mind with the belief that the + country demanded the sacrifice, and that there would be money in it. If + the thing is a failure, I want it understood that I was instigated by the + Chicago man; but if it is a success, then, of course, it was an + inspiration of my own. + </p> + <p> + The book contains nothing but good nature, pleasantly told yarns, jokes on + my friends; and, through it all, there is not intended to be a line or a + word that can cause pain or sorrow-nothing but happiness. + </p> + <p> + Laughter is the best medicine known to the world for the cure of many + diseases that mankind is subject to, and it has been prescribed with + success by some of our best practitioners. It opens up the pores, and + restores the circulation of the blood, and the despondent patient that + smiles, is in a fair way to recovery. While this book is not recommended + as an infallible cure for consumption, if I can throw the patient into the + blues by the pictures, I can knock the blues out by vaccinating with the + reading matter. + </p> + <p> + To those who are inclined to look upon the bright side of life, this book + is most respectfully dedicated by the author. + </p> + <p> + GEO. W. PECK. Milwaukee, Wis., + </p> + <p> + March, 1882. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + PECK'S SUNSHINE. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FEMALE DOCTORS WILL NEVER DO. + </h2> + <p> + A St. Louis doctor factory recently turned out a dozen female doctors. As + long as the female doctors were confined to one or two in the whole + country, and these were experimental, the <i>Sun</i> held its peace, and + did not complain; but now that the colleges are engaged in producing + female doctors as a business, we must protest, and in so doing will give a + few reasons why female doctors will not prove a paying branch of industry. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, if they doctor anybody it must be women, and + three-fourths of the women had rather have a male doctor. Suppose these + colleges turn out female doctors until there are as many of them as there + are male doctors, what have they got to practice on? + </p> + <p> + A man, if there was nothing the matter with him, might call in a female + doctor; but if he was sick as a horse—and when a man is sick he is + sick as a horse—the last thing he would have around would be a + female doctor. And why? Because when a man wants a female fumbling around + him he wants to feel well. He don't want to be bilious, or feverish, with + his mouth tasting like cheese, and his eyes bloodshot, when a female is + looking over him and taking an account of stock. + </p> + <p> + Of course these female doctors are all young and good looking, and if one + of them came into a sick room where a man was in bed, and he had chills, + and was as cold as a wedge, and she should sit up close to the side of the + bed, and take hold of his hand, his pulse would run up to a hundred and + fifty and she would prescribe for a fever when he had chilblains. Then if + he died she could be arrested for malpractice. O, you can't fool us on + female doctors. + </p> + <p> + A man who has been sick and had male doctors, knows just how he would feel + to have a female doctor come tripping in and throw her fur lined cloak + over a chair, take off her hat and gloves, and throw them on a lounge, and + come up to the bed with a pair of marine blue eyes, with a twinkle in the + corner, and look him in the wild, changeable eyes, and ask him to run out + his tongue. Suppose he knew his tongue was coated so it looked like a + yellow Turkish towel, do you suppose he would want to run out five or six + inches of the lower end of it, and let that female doctor put her finger + on it, to see how it was furred? Not much! He would put that tongue up + into his cheek, and wouldn't let her see it for twenty-five cents + admission. + </p> + <p> + We have all seen doctors put their hands under the bed-clothes and feel a + man's feet to see if they were cold. If a female doctor should do that, it + would give a man cramps in the legs. + </p> + <p> + A male doctor can put his hand on a man's stomach, and liver, and lungs, + and ask him if he feels any pain there; but if a female doctor should do + the same thing it would make a man sick, and he would want to get up and + kick himself for employing a female doctor. O, there is no use talking, it + would kill a man. + </p> + <p> + Now, suppose a man had heart disease, and a female doctor should want to + listen to the beating of his heart. She would lay her left ear on his left + breast, so her eyes and rosebud mouth would be looking right in his face, + and her wavy hair would be scattered all around there, getting tangled in + the buttons of his night shirt. Don't you suppose his heart would, get in + about twenty extra beats to the minute? You bet! And she would smile—we + will bet ten dollars she would smile—and show her pearly teeth, and + her ripe lips would be working as though she were counting the beats, and + he would think she was trying to whisper to him, and—— + </p> + <p> + Well, what would he be doing all this time? If he was not dead yet, which + would be a wonder, his left hand would brush the hair away from her + temple, and kind of stay there to keep the hair away, and his right hand + would get sort of nervous and move around to the back of her head, and + when she had counted the heart beats a few minutes and was raising her + head, he would draw the head up to him and kiss her once for luck, if he + was as bilious as a Jersey swamp angel, and have her charge it in the + bill; and then a reaction would set in, and he would be as weak as a cat, + and she would have to fan him and rub his head till he got over being + nervous, and then make out her prescription after he got asleep. No; all + of a man's symptoms change when a female doctor is practicing on him, and + she would kill him dead. + </p> + <p> + The <i>Sun</i> is a woman's rights paper, and believes in allowing women + to do anything that they can do as well as men, and is in favor of paying + them as well as men are paid for the same work, taking all things into + consideration; but it is opposed to their trifling with human life, by + trying to doctor a total stranger. These colleges are doing a great wrong + in preparing these female doctors for the war path, and we desire to enter + a protest in behalf of twenty million men who could not stand the + pressure. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CROSSMAN'S GOAT. + </h2> + <p> + Mr. Crossman, of Marshall street, is a man who was once a boy himself, if + his memory serves him, and no boy of his is going to ask him for anything + that is in his power to purchase and be refused. But when his boy asked + him to buy a goat Mr. Crossman felt hurt. It was not the expense of the + goat that he looked at, but he never had felt that confidence in the + uprightness of the moral character of a goat that he wanted to feel. + </p> + <p> + A goat he always associated in his mind with a tramp, and he did not feel + like bringing among the truly good children of the neighborhood a goat. He + told his boy that he was sorry he had lavished his young and tender + affections on a goat, and hoped that he would try and shake off the + feeling that his life's happiness would be wrecked if he should refuse to + buy him a goat. The boy put his sleeve up over his eyes and began to shed + water, and that settled it. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Crossman's religion is opposed to immersion, and when the infant + baptism began his proud spirit was conquered, and he told the boy to lead + on and he would buy the goat. They went over into the Polack settlement + and a Countess there, who takes in washing, was bereaved of the goat, + while Mr. Crossman felt that he was a dollar out of pocket. + </p> + <p> + Now that he thinks of it, Mr. Crossman is confident that the old lady + winked as he led the goat away by a piece of clothes line, though at the + time he looked upon the affair as an honorable business transaction. If he + had been buying a horse he would have asked about the habits of the + animal, and would probably have taken the animal on trial. But it never + occurred to him that there was any cheating in goats. + </p> + <p> + The animal finally pulled Mr. Crossman home, at the end of the clothes + line, and was placed in a neighbor's barn at eventide to be ready for the + morning's play, refreshed. About 6 o'clock in the morning, Mr. Crossman + was looking out of his window when he saw the neighboring lady come out of + the barn door head first, and the goat was just taking its head away from + her polonaise in a manner that Mr. Crossman considered, with his views of + propriety, decidedly impolite. + </p> + <p> + Believing there was some misunderstanding, and that the goat was jealous + of a calf that was in the barn, and that the matter could be + satisfactorily explained to the goat, Mr. Crossman put the other leg in + his trousers, took a cistern pole and went to the front. The goat saw him + coming, and rushed out into the yard and stood up on its hind feet and + gave the grand hailing sign of distress, and as Mr. Cross-man turned to + see if any of the neighbors were up, he felt an earthquake strike him a + little below where he had his suspenders tied around his body. Mr. + Crossman repeated a portion of the beautiful Easter service and climbed up + on an ash barrel, where he stood poking the goat on the ear with the + cistern pole, when Mr. Crombie, who lives hard by. and who had come out to + split some kindling wood, appeared on the scene. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Crombie is a man who grasps a situation at once, and though he is a + man who deliberates much on any great undertaking, when he saw the lady + behind the coal box, and Mr. Crossman on the ash barrel, he felt that + there was need of a great mind right there, and he took his with him over + the fence, in company with a barrel stave and a hatchet. He told Crossman + that there was only one way to deal with a goat, and that was to be firm + and look him right in the eye. He said Sep. Wintermute, at Whitewater, + once had a goat that used to drive the boys all around, but he could do + anything with him, by looking him in the eye. + </p> + <p> + He walked toward the goat, with “his eyes sot,” and Mr. Crossman says one + spell he thought, by the way the goat looked sheepish, that Crombie was a + regular lion tamer, but just as he was about to paralyze the animal, Mr. + Crombie caught the strings of his drawers, which were dragging on the + ground, in the nails of a barrel hoop, and as he stooped down to untangle + them the goat kicked him with his head, at a point about two chains and + three links in a northwesterly direction from the small of his back. + Crombie gave a sigh, said, “I die by the hand of an assassin,” and jumped + up on a wagon, with the barrel stave and hatchet, and the hoop tangled in + his legs. + </p> + <p> + The goat had three of them treed, and was looking for other worlds to + conquer, when Mr. Nowell, who was out for a walk, saw the living statues, + and came in to hear the news. Mr. Crossmair said he didn't know what had + got into the goat, unless it was a tin pail or a lawn mower that was in + the barn, but he was evidently mad, and he advised Mr. No-well to go for + the police. + </p> + <p> + Nowell said a man that had raised cub bears had no right to be afraid of a + goat. He said all you wanted to do, in subduing the spirit of animals, was + to gain their confidence. He said he could, in two minutes, so win the + affections of that goat that it would follow him about like a dog, and he + went up and stroked the animal's head, scratched its ear, and asked them + if they could not see they had taken the wrong course with the goat. He + said a goat was a good deal like a human being. You could coax, but you + could not drive. “Come, Billy,” said he, as he moved off, snapping his + fingers. + </p> + <p> + It is Mr. Nowell's unbiased opinion that Billy <i>did</i> come. Not that + he saw Billy come, but he had a vague suspicion, from a feeling of + numbness some two feet from the base of the brain, that William had + arrived in that immediate vicinity, and while he was recalling his + scattered thoughts and feeling for any pieces of spine that might have + become detached from the original column, Billy came again and caught + three of Mr. Nowell's fingers in the pile driver. That was talk enough + between gentlemen, and Mr. Nowell got his back against a fence and climbed + up on top backwards. + </p> + <p> + When he caught his breath he said that was the worst shock he ever + experienced since he fell off the step ladder last summer. He said he had + rather break a bear to ride any time. + </p> + <p> + At this point Mr. Crombie espied a letter carrier on the other side of the + street, and called him over. He told the letter carrier if he would step + into the yard and drive the goat in the barn they would all unite in a + petition to have the salaries of letter carriers raised. There is no class + of citizens more accommodating than our letter carriers, and this one came + in and walked up to the goat and pushed the animal with his foot. + </p> + <p> + “This goat seems tame enough,” said he, turning around to speak to Mr. + Crossman. His words had not more than vaporized in the chill air before + the goat had planted two trip hammer blows into the seat of government, + and the letter carrier went into the barn, fell over a wheelbarrow, and + the letters from his sack were distributed in a box stall. + </p> + <p> + It was a beautiful sight to look upon, and they would have been there till + this time had it not been that the Countess happened to come along + gathering swill, and the party made up a purse of three dollars for her if + she would take the goat away. + </p> + <p> + She took a turnip top from her swill pail, offered it to the goat, and the + animal followed her off, bleating and showing every evidence of + contentment, and the gentlemen got down from the positions they had + assumed, and they shook hands and each took a bloody oath that he would + not tell about it, and they repaired to their several homes and used + arnica on the spots where the goat had kicked them. + </p> + <p> + The only trouble that is liable to arise out of this is that the + postmaster threatens to commence an action against Crossman for + obstructing the mails. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A MEAN TRICK. + </h2> + <p> + Probably the meanest trick that was ever played on a white man was played + in Milwaukee, and the fact that there is no vigilance committee there is + the only reason the perpetrators of the trick are alive. A business man + had just purchased a new stiff hat, and he went into a saloon with half a + dozen of his friends to fit the hat on his head. They all took beer, and + passed the hat around so all could see it. One of the meanest men that + ever held a county office went to the bar tender and had a thin slice of + Limburger cheese cut off, and when the party were looking at the frescoed + ceiling through beer glasses this wicked person slipped the cheese under + the sweat leather of the hat, and the man put it on and walked out. + </p> + <p> + The man who owned the hat is one of your nervous people, who is always + complaining of being sick, and who feels as though some dreadful disease + is going to take possession of him and carry him off. He went back to his + place of business, took off his hat and laid it on the table, and + proceeded to answer some letters. He thought he detected a smell, and, + when his partner asked him if he didn't feel sick, he said he believed he + did. The man turned pale and said he guessed he would go home. He met a + man on the sidewalk who said the air was full of miasma, and in the street + car a man who sat next to him moved away to the end of the car, and asked + him if he had just come from Chicago. The man with the hat said he had + not, when the stranger said they were having a great deal of smallpox + there, and he guessed he would get out and walk, and he pulled the bell + and jumped off. The cold perspiration broke out on the forehead of the man + with the new hat, and he took it off to wipe his forehead, when the whole + piece of cheese seemed to roll over and breathe, and the man got the full + benefit of it, and came near fainting away. + </p> + <p> + He got home and his wife met him and asked him what was the matter? He + said he believed mortification had set in, and she took one whiff as he + took off his hat, and said she should think it had. “Where did you get + into it?” said she. “Get into it?” said the man, “I have not got into + anything, but some deadly disease has got hold of me, and I shall not + live.” She told him if any disease that smelled like that had got hold of + him and was going to be chronic, she felt as though he would be a burden + to himself if he lived very long. She got his clothes off, soaked his feet + in mustard water, and he slept. The man slept and dreamed that a smallpox + flag was hung in front of his house and that he was riding in a butcher + wagon to the pest house. + </p> + <p> + The wife sent for a doctor, and when the man of pills arrived she told him + all about the case. The doctor picked up the patient's new hat, tried it + on and got a sniff. He said the hat was picked before it was ripe. The + doctor and the wife held a postmortem examination of the hat, and found + the slice of Limberger. “Few and short were the prayers they said.” They + woke the patient, and, to prepare his mind for the revelation that was + about to be made, the doctor asked him if his worldly affairs were in a + satisfactory condition. He gasped and said they were. The doctor asked him + if he had made his will. He said he had not, but that he wanted a lawyer + sent for at once. The doctor asked him if he felt as though he was + prepared to shuffle off. The man said he had always tried to lead a + different life, and had tried to be done by the same as he would do it + himself, but that he might have made a misdeal some way, and he would like + to have a minister sent for to take an account of stock. Then the doctor + brought to the bedside the hat, opened up the sweat-leather, and showed + the dying man what it was that smelled so, and told him he was as well as + any man in the city. + </p> + <p> + The patient pinched himself to see if he was alive, and jumped out of bed + and called for his revolver, and the doctor couldn't keep up with him on + the way down town. The last we saw of the odoriferous citizen he was + trying to bribe the bar-tender to tell him which one of those pelicans it + was that put that slice of cheese in his hat-lining. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A FEMALE KNIGHT OF PYTHIAS. + </h2> + <p> + A woman of Bay City, Michigan, disguised herself as a man and clerked in a + store for a year, and then applied for membership in the Knights of + Pythias and was initiated. During the work of the third degree her sex was + discovered. It seems that in the third degree they have an India rubber + rat and a celluloid snake, which run by clockwork inside, and which were + very natural indeed. The idea is to let them run at the candidate for + initiation to see if he will flinch. When the snake ran at the girl she + kept her nerve all right, but when the rat tried to run up her trousers + leg she grabbed her imaginary skirts in both hands and jumped onto a + refrigerator that was standing near, (which is used in the work of the + fourth degree) and screamed bloody murder. The girl is a member of the + order, however, and there is no help for it. This affair may open the eyes + of members of secret societies and cause them to investigate. One lodge + here, we understand, takes precaution against the admission of women by + examining carefully the feet of applicants. If the feet are cold enough to + freeze ice cream the candidate is black-balled. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE TELESCOPE FISH-POLE CANE. + </h2> + <p> + There is one thing we want to set our face against and try and break up, + and that is the habit of young and middle aged persons going fishing on + Sunday, when going on the Summer excursions to the country. The devil, or + some other inventor, has originated a walking-stick that looks as innocent + as a Sunday school teacher, but within it is a roaring lion, in the shape + of a fish-pole. We have watched young fellows, and know their tricks. + Sunday morning they say to their parents that they have agreed to go over + on the West Side and attend early mass with a companion, just to hear the + exquisite music, and, by the way, they may not be home to dinner. And they + go from that home, with their new cane, looking as pious as though they + were passing the collection plate. When they get around the corner they + whoop it up for the depot, and shortly they are steaming out into the + country. They have a lot of angleworms in an envelope in their vest + pockets, and a restaurant colored man, who has been seen the night before, + meets them at the depot and hands them a basket of sandwiches with a + bottle sticking out. + </p> + <p> + Arriving at the summer resort, they go to the bank of the lake and take a + boat ride, and when well out in the lake they begin to unbosom the cane. + Taking a plug out of the end of it, they pull out a dingus and three + joints of fish-pole come out, and they tie a line on the end, put an angle + worm on the hook, and catch fish. That is the kind of “mass” they are + attending. + </p> + <p> + At night the train comes back to town, and the sunburnt young men, with + their noses peeled, hand a basket to the waiting colored man, which smells + of fish, and they go home and tell their parents they went out to Forest + Home Cemetery in the afternoon, and the sun was awful hot. The good mother + knows she smells fish on her son's clothes, but she thinks it is some new + kind of perfumery, and she is silent. + </p> + <p> + An honest up-and-up fish-pole is a thing of beauty and a joy forever, if + the fishing is good, but one of these deceptive, three carde monte, + political fish-poles, that shoves in and appears to be a cane, is + incendiary, and ought to be suppressed. There ought to be a law passed to + suppress a fish-pole that passes in polite society for a cane, and in such + a moment as ye think not is pulled out to catch fish. There is nothing + square about it, and the invention of that blasted stem winding fish-pole + is doing more to ruin this country than all the political parties can + overcome. If there was a law to compel the owners of those wailking-sticks + to put a sign on their canes, “This is a fish-pole,” there would be less + canes taken on these Sunday excursions in summer. + </p> + <p> + Look not upon the walking-stick when it is hollow, and pulls out, for at + last it giveth thee away, young fellow. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + The Sun is in receipt of an invitation to attend the opening of a new + hotel in an Iowa city, but it will be impossible to attend. We remember + one Iowa hotel which we visited in 1869, when the Wisconsin editors + stopped there on the way back from Omaha,—the time when a couple of + bed bugs took Uncle David Atwood up on the roof and were going to throw + him off, and they would have done it, only a party of cockroaches took his + part and killed the bed bugs. + </p> + <p> + Sam Ryan will remember how there was a crop of new potatoes growing on the + billiard room floor in the dirt, that were all blossomed out; and Charley + Seymour can tell how he had to argue for an hour to convince the colored + cook that the peculiar smell of the scrambled eggs was owing to some of + them being rotten. There were four waiters to a hundred guests, and it was + a sight long to be remembered to see Mrs. Seymour and Mrs. Atwood carry + their broiled chicken back to the kitchen and pick the feathers off, while + good Uncle McBride, of Sparta, got into an altercation over his fried fish + because the fish had not been scaled; where it was said the only thing + that was not sour was the vinegar, and where the only thing that was not + too small was the bill, and where every room smelled like a morgue, and + the towels in the rooms had not taken a bath since 1827. + </p> + <p> + At this hotel the proprietor would take a guest's napkin to wipe his nose, + and the barefooted, waiter girl would slip up on the rare-done fried egg + spilled on the dining-room floor, and wipe the yolk off her dress on a + guest's linen coat tail. That is all we want of a hotel in that place. + </p> + <p> + Not many months ago there was a meeting of ministers in Wisconsin, and + after the holy work in which they were engaged had been done up to the + satisfaction of all, a citizen of the place where the conference was held + invited a large number of them to a collation at his house. After supper a + dozen of them adjourned to a room up stairs to have a quiet smoke, as + ministers sometimes do, when they got to talking about old times, when + they attended school and were boys together, and <i>The Sun</i> man, who + was present, disguised as a preacher, came to the conclusion that + ministers were rather human than otherwise when they are young. + </p> + <p> + One two-hundred pound delegate with a cigar between his fingers, blew the + smoke out of the mouth which but a few hours before was uttering a + supplication to the Most High to make us all good, punched a thin elder in + the ribs with his thumb and said: “Jim, do you remember the time we + carried the cow and calf up into the recitation room?” For a moment “Jim” + was inclined to stand on his dignity, and he looked pained, until they all + began to laugh, when he looked around to see if any worldly person was + present, and satisfying himself that we were all truly good, he said: “You + bet your life I remember it. I have got a scar on my shin now where that d—blessed + cow hooked me,” and he began to roll up his trousers leg to show the scar. + They told him they would take his word, and he pulled down his pants and + said: + </p> + <p> + “Well, you see I was detailed to attend to the calf, and I carried the + calf up stairs, assisted by Bill Smith—who is now preaching in + Chicago; got a soft thing, five thousand a year, and a parsonage + furnished, and keeps a team, and if one of those horses is not a trotter + then I am no judge of horse flesh or of Bill, and if he don't put on an + old driving coat and go out on the road occasionally and catch on for a + race with some worldly-minded man, then I am another. You hear me—well, + I never knew a calf was so heavy, and had so many hind legs. Kick! Why, + bless your old alabaster heart, that calf walked all over me, from Genesis + to Revelations. And say, we didn't get much of a breeze the next morning, + did we, when we had to clean out the recitation room?” + </p> + <p> + A solemn-looking minister, with red hair, who was present, and whose eyes + twinkled some through the smoke, said to another: + </p> + <p> + “Charlie, you remember you were completely gone on the professor's niece + who was visiting there from Poughkeepsie? What become of her?” + </p> + <p> + Charlie put his feet on the table, struck a match on his trousers, and + said: + </p> + <p> + “Well, I wasn't gone on her, as you say, but just liked her. Not too well, + you know, but just well enough. She had a color of hair that I could never + stand—just the color of yours, Hank—and when she got to going + with a printer I kind of let up, and they were married. I understand he is + editing a paper somewhere in Illinois, and getting rich. It was better for + her, as now she has a place to live, and does not have to board around + like a country school ma'am, as she would if she had married me.” A + dark-haired man, with a coat buttoned clear to the neck, and a countenance + like a funeral sermon, with no more expression than a wooden decoy duck, + who was smoking a briar-wood pipe that he had picked up on a what-not that + belonged to the host, knocked the ashes out in a spittoon, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Boys, do you remember the time we stole that three-seated wagon and went + out across the marsh to Kingsley's farm, after watermelons?” + </p> + <p> + Four of them said they remembered it well enough, and Jim said all he + asked was to live long enough to get even with Bill Smith, the Chicago + preacher, for suggesting to him to steal a bee-hive on the trip. “Why,” + said he, “before I had got twenty feet with that hive, every bee in it had + stung me a dozen times. And do you remember how we played it on the + professor, and made him believe that I had the chicken-pox? O, gentlemen, + a glorious immortality awaits you beyond the grave for lying me out of + that scrape.” + </p> + <p> + The fat man hitched around uneasy in his chair and said they all seemed to + have forgotten the principal event of that excursion, and that was how he + tried to lift a bull dog over the fence by the teeth, which had become + entangled in a certain portion of his wardrobe that should not be + mentioned, and how he left a sample of his trousers in the possession of + the dog, and how the farmer came to the college the next day with his eyes + blacked, and a piece of trousers cloth done up in a paper, and wanted the + professor to try and match it with the pants of some of the divinity + students, and how he had to put on a pair of nankeen pants and hide his + cassimeres in the boat house until the watermelon scrape blew over and he + could get them mended. + </p> + <p> + Then the small brunette minister asked if he was not entitled to some + credit for blacking the farmer's eyes. Says he: “When he got over the + fence and grabbed the near horse by the bits, and said he would have the + whole gang in jail, I felt as though something had got to be done, and I + jumped out on the other side of the wagon and walked around to him and put + up my hands and gave him 'one, two, three' about the nose, with my + blessing, and he let go that horse and took his dog back to the house.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” says the red haired minister, “those melons were green, anyway, + but it was the fun of stealing them that we were after.” + </p> + <p> + At this point the door opened and the host entered, and, pushing the smoke + away with his hands, he said: “Well, gentlemen, are you enjoying + yourselves?” + </p> + <p> + They threw their cigar stubs in the spittoon, the solemn man laid the + brier wood pipe where he got it, and the fat man said: + </p> + <p> + “Brother Drake, we have been discussing the evil effects of indulging in + the weed, and we have come to the conclusion that while tobacco is always + bound to be used to a certain extent by the thoughtless, it is a duty the + clergy owe to the community to discountenance its use on all possible + occasions. Perhaps we had better adjourn to the parlor, and after asking + divine guidance take our departure.” + </p> + <p> + After they had gone the host looked at his cigar box, and came to the + conclusion that somebody must have carried off some cigars in his pocket. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AN ARM THAT IS NOT RELIABLE. + </h2> + <p> + A young fellow about nineteen, who is going with his first girl, and who + lives on the West Side, has got the symptoms awfully. He just thinks of + nothing else but his girl, and when he can be with her,—which is + seldom, on account of the old folks,—he is there, and when he cannot + be there, he is there or thereabouts, in his mind. He had been trying for + three months to think of something to give his girl for a Christmas + present, but he couldn't make up his mind what article would cause her to + think of him the most, so the day before Christmas he unbosomed himself to + his employer, and asked his advice as to the proper article to give. The + old man is baldheaded and mean. “You want to give her something that will + be a constant reminder of you?” “Yes,” he said, “that was what was the + matter.” “Does she have any corns?” asked the old wretch. The boy said he + had never inquired into the condition of her feet, and wanted to know what + corns had to do with it. The old man said that if she had corns, a pair of + shoes about two sizes too small would cause her mind to dwell on him a + good deal. The boy said shoes wouldn't do. The old man hesitated a moment, + scratched his head, and finally said: + </p> + <p> + “I have it! I suppose, sir, when you are alone with her, in the parlor, + you put your arm around her waist; do you not, sir?” + </p> + <p> + The young man blushed, and said that was about the size of it. + </p> + <p> + “I presume she enjoys that part of the discourse, eh?” + </p> + <p> + The boy said that, as near as he could tell, by the way she acted, she was + not opposed to being held up. + </p> + <p> + “Then, sir, I can tell you of an article that will make her think of you + in that position all the time, from the moment she gets up in the morning + till she retires.” + </p> + <p> + “Is there any attachment to it that will make her dream of me all night?” + asked the boy. + </p> + <p> + “No, sir! Don't be a hog,” said the bad man. + </p> + <p> + “Then what is it?” + </p> + <p> + The old man said one word, “Corset!” + </p> + <p> + The young man was delighted, and he went to a store to buy a nice corset. + </p> + <p> + “What size do you want?” asked the girl who waited on him. + </p> + <p> + That was a puzzler. He didn't know they came in sizes. He was about to + tell her to pick out the smallest size, when he happened to think of + something. + </p> + <p> + “Take a tape measure and measure my arm; that will just fit.” + </p> + <p> + The girl looked wise, as though she had been there herself, found that it + was a twenty-two inch corset the boy wanted, and he went home and wrote a + note and sent it with the corset to the girl. He didn't hear anything + about it till the following Sunday, when he called on her. She received + him coldly, and handed him the corset, saying, with a tear in her eye, + that she had never expected to be insulted by him. He told her he had no + intention of insulting her; that he could think of nothing that would + cause her to think of the gentle pressure of his arm around her waist as a + corset, but if she felt insulted he would take his leave, give the corset + to some poor family, and go drown himself. + </p> + <p> + He was about to go away, when she burst out crying, and sobbed out the + following words, wet with salt brine: + </p> + <p> + “It was v-v-v-very thoughtful of y-y-you, but I <i>couldn't feel it!</i> + It is f-f-four sizes too b-b-big! Why didn't you get number eighteen? You + are silent, you cannot answer, enough!” + </p> + <p> + They instinctively found their way to the sofa; mutual explanations + followed; he measured her waist again; saw where he had made a mistake by + his fingers lapping over on the first turn, and he vowed, by the beard of + the prophet, he would change it for another, if she had not worn it and + got it soiled. They are better now. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOUNCED FROM CHURCH FOR DANCING. + </h2> + <p> + The Presbyterian synod at Erie, Pa., has turned a lawyer named Donaldson + out of the church. The charge against him was not that he was a lawyer, as + might be supposed, but that he had danced a quadrille. It does not seem to + us as though there could be anything more harmless than dancing a + cold-blooded quadrille. It is a simple walk around, and is not even + exercise. Of course a man can, if he chooses, get in extra steps enough to + keep his feet warm, but we contend that no quadrille, where they only + touch hands, go down in the middle, and alamand left, can work upon a + man's religion enough to cause him to backslide. + </p> + <p> + If it was this new “waltz quadrille” that Donaldson indulged in, where + there is intermittent hugging, and where the head gets to whirling, and a + man has to hang on to his partner quite considerable, to keep from falling + all over himself, and where she looks up fondly into his eyes and as + though telling him to squeeze just as hard as it seemed necessary for his + convenience, we should not wonder so much at the synod hauling him over + the coals for cruelty to himself, but a cold quadrille has no deviltry in + it. + </p> + <p> + We presume the wicked and perverse Mr. Donaldson will join another church + that allows dancing judiciously administered, and may yet get to heaven + ahead of the Presbyterian synod, and he may be elected to some high + position there, as Arthur was here, after the synod of Hayes and Sherman + had bounced him from the Custom House for dancing the great spoils walk + around. + </p> + <p> + It is often the case here, and we do not know why it may not be in heaven, + that the ones that are turned over and shook up, and the dust knocked out + of them, and their metaphorical coat tail filled with boots, find that the + whirligig of time has placed them above the parties who smote them, and we + can readily believe that if Donaldson gets a first-class position of + power, above the skies, he will make it decidedly warm for his persecutors + when they come up to the desk with their grip sacks and register and ask + for a room with a bath, and a fire escape. He will be apt to look up at + the key rack and tell them everything is full, but they can find pretty + fair accommodations at the other house, down at the Hot Springs, on the + European plan, by Mr. Devil, formerly of Chicago. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + POLICE SEARCHING WOMEN. + </h2> + <h3> + A NOVEL SCENE IN MILWAUKEE POLICE COURT. + </h3> + <p> + There is a movement on foot to provide for lady attendants at the Police + Station, so that when a woman is arrested, and it is necessary to search + her for concealed weapons, or money or incendiary documents, that duty can + be performed by a person of the same sex as the prisoner. The <i>Sun</i> + is anxious that this new departure be adopted at once, as it is very + annoying for us to be called away from our business, every day or two, to + aid the police—that is, of course, we are willing to be of + assistance to anybody, but there <i>are</i> times—anybody will admit + that. + </p> + <p> + The need of lady members of the police force was never illustrated any + better than when the police arrested the women for passing counterfeit + silver quarters, about six months ago. There was an oldish woman and a + young woman, and when they were taken to the police office the reporters + of the city papers were there, as usual, ready to lend a helping hand. The + searching of the old lady was done in short order, by Detective Smith, who + went about it in a business-like manner; but when it was time to search + the young woman, and he looked into her soft, liquid eyes, and saw the + emotion that she could not suppress, his heart failed him, and he sat down + to write out his resignation. Tears came into his large, fawn-like eyes, + and he called upon Mr. Northrop, correspondent of the Chicago <i>Times</i>, + to assist him. Mr. Northrop had been inured to hardships, and knew much + about the manner in which female persons conceal money, and being one of + the “Willing Workers,” he told Mr. Smith that he would help him. + </p> + <p> + The lady was told to remove her outward apparel, and to look steadily out + of the window. She got behind a curtain-cord, and, in less time than it + takes to write it, she threw her dress to the men, from her concealment + behind the curtain-cord. The two men found a pocket in the dress, but to + save them they couldn't find the pocket hole.. The dress was turned the + other side out forty times, to find the pocket hole. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Yenowine, of the <i>News</i>, who was present, said if they would hang + the dress up on a hook he could find the pocket hole in the dark. He said + there couldn't anybody fool him on finding a pocket hole in a dress. + </p> + <p> + The dress was hung in a closet, and Mr. Yenowine proceeded on the arctic + exploring expedition, while Mr. Northrop and the detective were examining + a corset that the young woman had thrown on the floor, looking for bogus + quarters. The <i>News</i> man, with all his knowledge of dress pockets, + came out unsuccessful, and said he must have lost the combination, and + accused the janitor of giving it away. Mr. Smith suggested that they cut + the pocket off, but the district attorney, Mr. McKenney, said it would be + clearly against the law. He said that would be burglary. In the meantime + the young woman had kept on shucking herself, until Mr. Neiman, of the <i>Sentinel</i>, + became faint and went out on the steps to get a breath of fresh air, from + which position he looked through the window. + </p> + <p> + While the gentlemen were wondering if there were no rules of etiquette + published that would make it easy and polite to search a woman for bogus + two shilling pieces, the woman threw an article of female wearing apparel + out on the floor for them to examine that fairly frightened them. + </p> + <p> + “Merciful heavens,” said Mr. Yenowine, who was at that time a young and + innocent person, unused to the ways of the world, “she has exploded.” + </p> + <p> + Northrop poked it with his cane and said, “No, those always come off,” and + he put on an air of superiority over the boys which was annoying. + </p> + <p> + “What, always?” said Mr. Neiman, who had his fingers up before his face, + and was blushing as though he had intermittent fever. + </p> + <p> + “Well, most always,” said Mr. Northrop, who had taken it up, and was + examining it with a critic's eye. + </p> + <p> + “I presume those are a bustle, are they not?” said innocent Yenowine. + </p> + <p> + “Go aff, till the divil wid yer bushtle,” said Mr. Smith, “I know bether. + Gintlemen, I am a plain shpoken man, and for me age have seen many thrying + situations, but if this was me lasht day on earth I should shwear that was + no more a bushtle than I am. Bushtles are never twins.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Harger, of the <i>Wisconsin</i>, who had hidden behind the stove pipe, + was asked by Mr. Smith what he thought they were, whether it might not be + an infernal machine. Mr. Harger said he had never known one to explode. He + said when he was reporting legislative proceedings the members drew those + with their stationery, from the superintendent of public property, but he + had no idea what they did with them. + </p> + <p> + At this point Mr. Aldrich, who had just come in, was asked to examine it + and tell what it was. Mr. Aldrich took it up like a thing of life, and + gazed upon it as though trying to recall something to his mind. Placing + his finger, the one with the diamond ring on, to his corrugated forehead, + he paused for a moment and finally gave his opinion that they were life + preservers. He said that in Boston all women wore them, especially when + they were out on excursions, or picnics. “See,” says he, as he hefted it, + and made an indentation in it, which resumed its natural position as soon + as he took his finger off, “it is filled with wind. Now, in case of + accident, that would float a woman on top of water until she could be + rescued. Let us demonstrate this matter by putting it on Mr. Boyington, of + the <i>Sentinel</i>, and taking him to the morgue and placing him in the + bath tub and he proceeded to fasten the life preserver around the calf of + Mr. Boyington's leg. + </p> + <p> + “Say, where are you putting it?” says Mr. B., as he struggled to keep from + laughing right out. “You fellows don't know as much as Thompson's colt. If + I know my own heart, and I think I do, a life preserver goes on under the + vest.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Aldrich said he didn't pretend to know any more than anybody else. All + he knew about these things personally was that he had seen them hanging up + in stores, for sale, and one day when he was shopping he asked one of the + lady clerks what it was hanging up there, and she said it was a life + preserver, and asked him if he wanted one, and he told her no, he was only + inquiring for a friend of his, who rode a bicycle. He didn't know but it + might be something that went with a bicycle. + </p> + <p> + All the time this discussion was going on we sat by the safe in the police + office. We never were so sorry for a lot of innocent young men, never. The + girl looked at us and winked, as much as to say, “Old man, why do you not + come to the rescue of these young hoodlums, who don't know what they are + talking about, and take the conceit out of them,” and so we explained to + them, in the best language we could command, the uses and abuses of the + garment they were examining, and showed them how it went on, and how the + invention of it filled a want long felt by our American people. They all + admitted that we were right, and that it was a counterfeit well calculated + to deceive, and we believe now that the woman was convicted of + counterfeiting mainly on the testimony of the reporters. However that may + be, we desire to impress upon the authorities the importance of employing + ladies at the police office to examine women who are arrested for crime. + The police cannot always depend on having a newspaper man around. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ABOUT HELL. + </h2> + <p> + An item is going the rounds of the papers, to illustrate how large the sun + is, and how hot it is, which asserts that if an icicle a million miles + long, and a hundred thousand miles through, should be thrust into one of + the burning cavities of the sun, it would be melted in a hundredth part of + a second, and that it would not cause as much “sissing” as a drop of water + on a hot griddle. + </p> + <p> + By this comparison we can realize that the sun is a big thing, and we can + form some idea of what kind of a place it would be to pass the summer + months. In contemplating the terrible heat of the sun, we are led to + wonder why those whose duty it is to preach a hell hereafter, have not + argued that the sun is the place where sinners will go to when they die. + </p> + <p> + It is not our desire to inaugurate any reform in religious matters, but we + realize what a discouraging thing it must be for preachers to preach hell + and have nothing to show for it. As the business is now done, they are + compelled to draw upon their imagination for a place of endless + punishment, and a great many people, who would be frightened out of their + boots if the minister could show them hell as he sees it, look upon his + talk as a sort of dime novel romance. + </p> + <p> + They want something tangible on which they can base their belief, and + while the ministers do everything in their power to encourage sinners by + picturing to them the lake of fire and brimstone, where boat-riding is out + of the question unless you paddle around in a cauldron kettle, it seems as + though their labors would be lightened if they could point to the sun, on + a hot day in August, and say to the wicked man that unless he gets down on + his knees and says his now I lay me, and repents, and is sprinkled, and + chips in pretty flush towards the running expenses of the church, and + stands his assessments like a thoroughbred, that he will wake up some + morning, and find himself in the sun, blistered from Genesis to + Revelations, thirsty as a harvest hand and not a brewery within a million + miles, begging for a zinc ulster to cool his parched hind legs. + </p> + <p> + Such an argument, with an illustration right on the blackboard of the sky, + in plain sight, would strike terror to the sinner, and he would want to + come into the fold <i>too</i> quick. What the religion of this country + wants, to make it take the cake, is a hell that the wayfaring man, though + a democrat or a greenbacker, can see with the naked eye. The way it is + now, the sinner, if he wants to find out anything about the hereafter, has + to take it second handed, from some minister or deacon who has not seen it + himself, but has got his idea of it from some other fellow who maybe + dreamed it out. + </p> + <p> + Some deacon tells a sinner all about the orthodox hell, and the sinner + does not know whether to believe him or not. The deacon may have lied to + the sinner some time in a horse trade, or in selling him goods, and beat + him, and how does he know but the same deacon is playing a brace game on + him on the hereafter, or playing him for a sardine. + </p> + <p> + Now, if the people who advance these ideas of heaven or hell, had a + license to point to the moon, the nice, cool moon, as heaven, which would + be plausible, to say the least, and say that it was heaven, and prove it, + and could prove that the sun was the other place, which looks reasonable, + according to all we have heard about 'tother place, the moon would be so + full there would not be standing room, and they would have to turn + republicans away, while the sun would be playing to empty benches, and + there would only be a few editors there who got in on passes. + </p> + <p> + Of course, during a cold winter, when the thermometer was forty or fifty + degrees below zero, and everybody was blocked in, and coal was up to + seventeen dollars a ton, the cause of religion would not prosper as much + as it would in summer, because when you talked to a sinner about leading a + different life or he would go to the sun, he would look at his coal pile + and say that he didn't care a continental how soon he got there, but these + discouragements would not be any greater than some that the truly good + people have to contend with now, and the average the year round would be + largely in favor of going to the moon. + </p> + <p> + The moon is very popular now, even, and if it is properly advertised as a + celestial paradise, where only good people could get their work in, and + where the wicked could not enter on any terms, there would be a great + desire to take the straight and narrow way to the moon, and the path to + the wicked sun would be grown over with sand burs, and scorched with lava, + and few would care to take passage by that route. Anyway, this thing is + worth looking into. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + UNSCREWING THE TOP OF A FRUIT JAR. + </h2> + <p> + There is one thing that there should be a law passed about, and that is, + these glass fruit jars, with a top that screws on. It should be made a + criminal offense, punishable with death or banishment to Chicago, for a + person to manufacture a fruit jar, for preserving fruit, with a top that + screws on. Those jars look nice when the fruit is put up in them, and the + house-wife feels as though she was repaid for all her perspiration over a + hot stove, as she looks at the glass jars of different berries, on the + shelf in the cellar. + </p> + <p> + The trouble does not begin until she has company, and decides to tap a + little of her choice fruit. After the supper is well under way, she sends + for a jar, and tells the servant to unscrew the top, and pour the fruit + into a dish. The girl brings it into the kitchen, and proceeds to unscrew + the top. She works gently at first, then gets mad, wrenches at it, sprains + her wrist, and begins to cry, with her nose on the underside of her apron, + and skins her nose on the dried pancake batter that is hidden in the folds + of the apron. + </p> + <p> + Then the little house-wife takes hold of the fruit can, smilingly, and + says she will show the girl how to take off the top. She sits down on the + wood-box, takes the glass jar between her knees, runs out her tongue, and + twists. But the cover does not twist. The cover seems to feel as though it + was placed there to keep guard over that fruit, and it is as immovable as + the Egyptian pyramids. The little lady works until she is red in the face, + and until her crimps all come down, and then she sets it down to wait for + the old man to come home. He comes in tired, disgusted, and mad as a + hornet, and when the case is laid before him, he goes out in the kitchen + and pulls off his coat, and takes the jar. + </p> + <p> + He remarks that he is at a loss to know what women are made for, anyway. + He says they are all right to sit around and do crochet work, but whenever + strategy, brain, and muscle are required, then they can't get along + without a man. He tries to unscrew the cover, and his thumb slips off and + knocks skin off the knuckle. He breathes a silent prayer and calls for the + kerosene can, and pours a little of it into the crevice, and lets it soak, + and then he tries again, and swears audibly. + </p> + <p> + Then he calls for a tack-hammer, and taps the cover gently on one side, + the glass jar breaks, and the juice runs down his trousers leg, on the + table and all around. Enough of the fruit is saved for supper, and the old + man goes up the back stairs to tie his thumb up in a rag, and change his + pants. + </p> + <p> + All come to the table smiling, as though nothing had happened, and the + house-wife don't allow any of the family to have any sauce for fear they + will get broken glass into their stomachs, but the “company” is provided + for generously, and all would be well only for a remark of a little boy + who, when asked if he will have some more of the sauce, says he “don't + want no strawberries pickled in kerosene.” The smiling little hostess + steals a smell of the sauce, while they are discussing politics, and + believes she does smell kerosene, and she looks at the old man kind of + spunky, when he glances at the rag on his thumb and asks if there is no + liniment in the house. The preserving of fruit in glass jars is broken up + in that house, and four dozen jars are down cellar to lay upon the lady's + mind till she gets a chance to send some of them to a charity picnic. The + glass jar fruit can business is played out unless a scheme can be invented + to get the top off. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BUTTERMILK BIBBERS. + </h2> + <p> + The immense consumption of buttermilk as a drink, retailed over the bars + of saloons, has caused temperance people to rejoice. It is said that over + two thousand gallons a day are sold in Milwaukee. There is one thing about + buttermilk, in its favor, and that is, it does not intoxicate, and it + takes the place of liquor as a beverage. A man may drink a quart of + buttermilk, and while he may feel like a calf that has been sucking, and + want to stand in a fence corner and bleat, or kick up his heels and run + around a pasture, he does not become intoxicated and throw a beer keg + through a saloon window. + </p> + <p> + Another thing, buttermilk does not cause the nose to become red, and the + consumer's breath does not smell like the next day after a sangerfest. The + complexion of the nose of a buttermilk drinker assues a pale hue which is + enchanting, and while his breath may smell like a baby that has nursed too + much and got sour, the smell does not debar his entrance to a temperance + society. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AN ÆSTHETIC FEMALE CLUB BUSTED. + </h2> + <p> + The organization of the “Cosmos” Club, of Chicago women, for the purpose + of discussing “æsthetic” business, ancient poetry and pottery ware, calls + to mind the attempt to organize such a club here in Milwaukee. Our people + here are too utterly full of business and domestic affairs to take to the + “æsthetic” very generally, and the lady from Boston who tried to get up a + class in the new wrinkle went away considerably disgusted. She called + about fifty of our splendidest ladies together at the residence of one of + them, and told them what the ladies of Eastern cities were doing in the + study of higher arts. She elaborated considerably on the study of + Norwegian literature, ceramics, bric-a-brac and so forth, and asked for an + expression of the ladies present. One lady said she was willing to go into + anything that would tend to elevate the tone of society, and make women + better qualified for helpmates to their husbands, but she didn't want any + Norwegian literature in hers. She said her husband ran for an office once + and the whole gang of Norwegian voters went back on him and he was + everlastingly scooped. + </p> + <p> + The Boston lady held up her hands in holy horror, and was going to explain + to the speaker how she was off her base, when another lady got up and said + she wanted to take the full course or nothing. She wanted to be posted in + ancient literature and ceramics. She had studied ceramics some already, + and had got a good deal of information. She had found that in case of + whooping cough, goose oil rubbed on the throat and lungs was just as good + as it was in case of croup, and she felt that with a good teacher any lady + would learn much that would be of incalculable value, and she, for one, + was going for the whole hog or none. + </p> + <p> + The Boston lady saved herself from fainting by fanning herself vigorously, + and was about to show the two ladies that they had a wrong idea of + æsthetics, when a lady from the West Side, who had just been married, got + up and said she felt that we were all too ignorant of æsthetics, and they + should take every opportunity to become better informed. She said when she + first went to keeping house she couldn't tell baking powder that had alum + in it from the pure article, and she had nearly ruined her husband's + stomach before she learned anything. And speaking of bric-a-brac, she felt + that every lady should learn to economize, by occasionally serving a + picked up dinner, of bric-a-brac that would otherwise be wasted. + </p> + <p> + The Boston lady found she could not speak understandingly, so she left-her + chair and went around to the different groups of ladies, who were talking + earnestly, to get them interested. The first group of four that she broke + in on were talking of the best way to renovate seal-skin cloaks that had + been moth eaten. One lady said that she had tried all the æsthetic insect + powder that was advertised in the papers, and the moths would fairly get + fat on it, and beg for more; but last spring she found out that moths were + afraid of whisky. + </p> + <p> + Her husband worked in a wholesale whisky store, and his garments became + saturated with the perfume, and you couldn't hire a moth to go near him. + So she got an empty whisky barrel and put in all her furs, and the moths + never touched a thing. But she said the moths had a high old time all + summer. They would get together in squads and go to the barrel and smell + at the bung-hole, and lock arms and sashay around the room, staggering + just as though there was an election, and about eleven o'clock they would + walk up to a red spot in the carpet and take a lunch, just like men going + to a saloon. + </p> + <p> + She said there was one drawback to the whisky barrel, as it gave her away + when she first went out in company after taking her clothes out of the + barrel. She wore her seal-skin cloak to the Good Templars' Lodge, the + first night after taking it out, and they were going to turn her out of + the Lodge on the ground that she had violated her obligation. + </p> + <p> + “You may talk about your Scandinavian literature,” said she, turning to + the Boston lady, “but when it comes to keeping moths out of furs, an empty + whisky barrel knocks the everlasting socks off of anything I ever tried.” + </p> + <p> + The Boston lady put on her æsthetic hat, and was about to take her leave, + satisfied that she had struck the wrong crowd, when a sweet little woman, + with pouting lips, called her aside. The Boston lady thought she had found + at last one congenial soul, and she said: + </p> + <p> + “What is it, my dear?” + </p> + <p> + The little lady hesitated a moment, and with a tear in her eye she asked: + </p> + <p> + “Madam, can you tell me what is good for worms? Fido has acted for a week + as though he was ill, and——” + </p> + <p> + That settled it. The Boston lady went away, and has never been heard of + since. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “A young fellow and his girl went out sleighing yesterday, and the lad + returned with a frozen ear. There is nothing very startling in the simple + fact of a frozen ear, but the idea is that it was the ear next to the girl + that he was foolish enough to let freeze.” + </p> + <p> + A girl that will go out sleigh-riding with a young man and allow his ears + to freeze, is no gentleman (“lady”??), and ought to be arrested. Why, here + in Milwaukee, on the coldest days, we have seen a young man out riding + with a girl, and his ears were so hot they would fairly “sis,” and there + was not a man driving on the avenue but would have changed places with the + young man, and allowed his ears to cool. Girls cannot sit too close during + this weather. The climate is rigorous. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FOOLING WITH THE BIBLE. + </h2> + <p> + Reports from the stationers show that there is no demand at all for the + revised edition of the Bible, and had it not been for the newspapers + publishing the whole affair there would have been very few persons that + took the trouble to even glance at it, and it is believed that not one + reader of the daily papers in a hundred read any of the Bible, and not one + in ten thousand read all of it which was published. Who originated this + scheme of revising the Bible we do not know, but whoever it was made a + miscue. There was no one suffering particularly for a revision of the + Bible. It was good enough as it was. No literary sharp of the present day + has got any license to change anything in the Bible. + </p> + <p> + Why, the cheeky ghouls have actually altered over the Lord's Prayer, cut + it biased, and thrown the parts about giving us this day our daily bread + into the rag bag. How do they know that the Lord said more than he wanted + to in that prayer? He wanted that daily bread in there, or He never would + have put it in. The only wonder is that those revisers did not insert + strawberry shortcake and ice cream in place of daily bread. Some of these + ministers who are writing speeches for the Lord think they are smart. They + have fooled with Christ's Sermon on the Mount until He couldn't tell it if + He was to meet it in the Chicago <i>Times</i>. + </p> + <p> + This thing has gone on long enough, and we want a stop put to it. We have + kept still about the piracy that has been going on in the Bible because + people who are better than we are have seemed to endorse it, but now we + are sick of it, and if there is going to be an annual clerical picnic to + cut gashes in the Bible and stick new precepts and examples on where they + will do the most hurt, we shall lock up our old Bible where the critters + can't get at it, and throw the first book agent down stairs head first + that tries to shove off on to us one of these new fangled, + go-as-you-please Bibles, with all the modern improvements, and hell left + out. + </p> + <p> + Now, where was there a popular demand to have hell left out of the Bible? + Were there any petitions from the people sent up to this self-constituted + legislature of pinchbeck ministers, praying to have hell abolished, and + “hades” inserted? Not a petition. And what is this hades? Where is it? + Nobody knows. They have taken away our orthodox hell, that has stood by us + since we first went to Sunday school, and given us a hades. Half of us + wouldn't know a hades if we should see it dead in the road, but they + couldn't fool us any on hell. + </p> + <p> + No, these revisers have done more harm to religion than they could have + done by preaching all their lives. They have opened the ball, and now, + every time a second-class dominie gets out of a job, he is going to cut + and slash into the Bible. He will think up lots of things that will sound + better than some things that are in there, and by and by we shall have our + Bibles as we do our almanacs, annually, with weather probabilities on the + margins. + </p> + <p> + This is all wrong. Infidels will laugh at us, and say our old Bible is + worn out, and out of style, and tell us to have our measure taken for a + new one every fall and spring, as we do for our clothes. If this revision + is a good thing, why won't another one be better? The woods are full of + preachers who think they could go to work and improve the Bible, and if we + don't shut down on this thing, they will take a hand in it. If a man hauls + down the American flag, we shoot him on the spot; and now we suggest that + if any man mutilates the Bible, we run an umbrella into him and spread it. + </p> + <p> + The old Bible just filled the bill, and we hope every new one that is + printed will lay on the shelves and get sour. This revision of the Bible + is believed to be the work of an incendiary. It is a scheme got up by + British book publishers to make money out of pious people. It is on the + same principle that speculators get up a corner on pork or wheat. They got + revision, and printed Bibles enough to supply the world, and would not let + out one for love or money. None were genuine unless the name of this + British firm was blown in the bottle. + </p> + <p> + Millions of Bibles were shipped to this country by the firm that was + “long” on Bibles, and they were to be thrown on the market suddenly, after + being locked up and guarded by the police until the people were made + hungry for Bibles. + </p> + <p> + The edition was advertised like a circus, and doors were to be opened at + six o'clock in the morning. American publishers who wanted to publish the + Bible, too, got compositors ready to rush out a cheap Bible within twelve + hours, and the Britons, who were running the corner on the Word of God, + called these American publishers pirates. The idea of men being pirates + for printing a Bible, which should be as free as salvation. The newspapers + that had the Bibles telegraphed to them from the east, were also pirates. + </p> + <p> + O, the revision is a three-card monte speculation; that is all it is. + </p> + <p> + Geo. W. Peck, of the <i>Sun</i>, recently delivered an address before the + Wisconsin State Dairyman's Association. The following is an extract from + the document: + </p> + <p> + <i>Fellow creamationists</i>: In calling upon me, on this occasion, to + enlighten you upon a subject that is dear to the hearts of all Americans, + you have got the right man in the right place. It makes me proud to come + to my old home and unfold truths that have been folded since I can + remember. It may be said by scoffers, and it has been said to-day, in my + presence, that I didn't know enough to even milk a cow. I deny the + allegation; show me the allegator. If any gentleman present has got a cow + here with him, and I can borrow a clothes-wringer, I will show you whether + I can milk a cow or not. Or, if there is a cheese mine here handy, I will + demonstrate that I can—<i>runnet</i>. + </p> + <p> + The manufacture of cheese and butter has been among the earliest + industries. Away back in the history of the world, we find Adam and Eve + conveying their milk from the garden of Eden, in a one-horse wagon to the + cool spring cheese factory, to be weighed in the balance. Whatever may be + said of Adam and Eve to their discredit in the marketing of the products + of their orchard, it has never been charged that they stopped at the pump + and put water in their milk cans. Doubtless you all remember how Cain + killed his brother Abel because Abel would not let him do the churning. We + can picture Cain and Abel driving mooly cows up to the house from the + pasture in the southeast corner of the garden, and Adam standing at the + bars with a tin pail and a three-legged stool, smoking a meerschaum pipe + and singing “Hold the fort for I am coming through the rye,” while Eve sat + on the verandah altering over her last year's polonaise, and winking at + the devil who stood behind the milk house singing, “I want to be an + angel.” After he got through milking he came up and saw Eve blushing, and + he said, “Madame, cheese it,” and she chose it. + </p> + <p> + But to come down to the present day, we find that cheese has become one of + the most important branches of manufacture. It is next in importance to + the silver interest. And, fellow cheese mongers, you are doing yourselves + great injustice that you do not petition congress to pass a bill to + remonetize cheese. There is more cheese raised in this country than there + is silver, and it is more valuable. Suppose you had not eaten a mouthful + in thirty days, and you should have placed on the table before you ten + dollars stamped out of silver bullion on one plate and nine dollars + stamped out of cheese bullion on another plate. Which would you take + first? Though the face value of the nine cheese dollars would be ten per + cent, below the face value of ten silver dollars, you would take the + cheese. You could use it to better advantage in your business. Hence I say + cheese is more valuable than silver, and it should be made legal tender + for all debts, public and private, except pew rent. I may be in advance of + other eminent financiers, who have studied the currency question, but I + want to see the time come, and I trust the day is not far distant, when + 412 1/2 grains of cheese will be equal to a dollar in codfish, and when + the merry jingle of slices of cheese shall be heard in every pocket. + </p> + <p> + Then every cheese factory can make its own coin, money will be plenty, + everybody will be happy, and there never will be any more war. It may be + asked how this currency can be redeemed? I would have an incontrovertible + bond, made of Limburger cheese, which is stronger and more durable. When + this is done you can tell the rich from the poor man by the smell of his + money. Now-a-days many of us do not even get a smell of money, but in the + good days which are coming the gentle zephyr will waft to us the + able-bodied Limburger, and we shall know that money is plenty. + </p> + <p> + The manufacture of cheese is a business that a poor man can engage in as + well as a rich man. I say it, without fear of successful contradiction, + and say it boldly, that a poor man with, say 200 cows, if he thoroughly + understands his business, can market more cheese than a rich man who owns + 300 oxen. This is susceptible of demonstration. If my boy showed a desire + to become a statesman, I would say to him, “Young man, get married, buy a + mooley cow, go to Sheboygan county, and start a cheese factory.” + </p> + <p> + Speaking of cows, did it ever occur to you, gentlemen, what a saving it + would be to you if you should adopt mooley cows instead of horned cattle? + It takes at least three tons of hay and a large quantity of ground feed + annually to keep a pair of horns fat, and what earthly use are they? + Statistics show that there are annually killed 45,000 grangers by cattle + with horns. You pass laws to muzzle dogs, because one in ten thousand goes + mad, and yet more people are killed by cattle horns than by dogs. What the + country needs is more mooley cows. + </p> + <p> + Now that I am on the subject, it may be asked what is the best paying + breed for the dairy. My opinion is divided between the south down and the + cochin china. Some like one the best and some the other, but as for me, + give me liberty or give me death. + </p> + <p> + There are many reforms that should be inaugurated in the manufacture of + cheese. Why should cheese be made round? I am inclined to the belief that + the making of cheese round is a superstition. Who had not rather buy a + good square piece of cheese, than a wedge-shape chunk, all rind at one + end, and as thin as a Congressman's excuse for voting back pay at the + other? Make your cheese square and the consumer will rise up and call you + another. + </p> + <p> + Another reform that might be inaugurated would be to veneer the cheese + with building paper or clapboards, instead of the time-honored piece of + towel. I never saw cheese cut that I didn't think that the cloth around it + had seen service as a bandage on some other patient. But I may have been + wrong. Another thing that does not seem to be right, is to see so many + holes in cheese. It seems to me that solid cheese, one made by one of the + old masters, with no holes in it—I do not accuse you of cheating, + but don't you feel a little ashamed when you see a cheese cut, and the + holes are the biggest part of it? The little cells may be handy for the + skipper, but the consumer feels the fraud in his innermost soul. + </p> + <p> + Among the improvements made in the manufacture of cheese I must not forget + that of late years the cheese does not resemble the grindstone as much as + it did years ago. The time has been when, if the farmer could not find his + grindstone, all he had to do was to mortise a hole in the middle of a + cheese, and turn it and grind his scythe. Before the invention of + nitro-glycerine, it was a good day's work to hew off cheese enough for a + meal. Time has worked wonders in cheese. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + COLORED CONCERT TROUPES. + </h2> + <p> + Sometimes it seems as though the colored people ought to have a guardian + appointed over them. Now, you take a colored concert troupe, and though + they may have splendid voices, they do not know enough to take advantage + of their opportunities. People go to hear them because they are colored + people, and they want to hear old-fashioned negro melodies, and yet these + mokes will tackle Italian opera and high toned music that they don't know + how to sing. + </p> + <p> + They will sing these fancy operas, and people will not pay any attention. + Along toward the end of the programme they will sing some old nigger song, + and the house fairly goes wild and calls them out half a dozen times. And + yet they do not know enough to make up a programme of such music as they + can sing, and such as the audience want. + </p> + <p> + They get too big, these colored people do, and can't strike their level. + People who have heard Kellogg, and Marie Roze, and Gerster, are sick when + a black cat with a long red dress comes out and murders the same pieces + the prima donnas have sung. We have seen a colored girl attempt a + selection from some organ-grinder opera, and she would howl and screech, + and catch her breath and come again, and wheel and fire vocal shrapnel, + limber up her battery and take a new position, and unlimber and send + volleys of soprano grape and cannister into the audience, and then she + would catch on to the highest note she could reach and hang to it like a + dog to a root, till you would think they would have to throw a pail of + water on her to make her let go, and all the time she would be biting and + shaking like a terrier with a rat, and finally give one kick at last at + her red trail with her hind foot, and back off the stage looking as though + she would have to be carried on a dustpan, and the people in the audience + would look at each other in pity and never give her a cheer, when, if she + had come out and patted her leg, and put one hand up to her ear, and sung, + “Ise a Gwine to See Massa Jesus Early in de Mornin',” they would have + split the air wide open with cheers, and called her out five times. + </p> + <p> + The fact is, they haven't got sense. + </p> + <p> + There was a hungry-looking, round-shouldered, sick-looking colored man in + that same party, that was on the programme for a violin solo. When he came + out the people looked at each other, as much as to say, “Now we will have + some fun.” The moke struck an attitude as near Ole Bull as he could with + his number eleven feet and his hollow chest, and played some diabolical + selection from a foreign cat opera that would have been splendid if + Wilhelmjor Ole Bull had played it, but the colored brother couldn't get + within a mile of the tune. He rasped his old violin for twenty minutes and + tried to look grand, and closed his eyes and seemed to soar away to + heaven,—and the audience wished to heaven he had,—and when he + became exhausted and squeezed the last note oat, and the audience saw that + he was in a profuse perspiration, they let him go and did not call him + back. If he had come out and sat on the back of a chair and sawed off “The + Devil's Dream,” or “The Arkansaw Traveler,” that crowd would have cheered + him till he thought he was a bigger man than Grant. + </p> + <p> + But he didn't have any sense. If some one will send a marked copy of this + paper to some of these colored concert troupes, and they will take the + hint, and sing nigger songs, they will make a heap of money, where now + they have to live on a free lunch route. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + COULDN'T GET AWAY FROM HIM. + </h2> + <p> + A good many may have wondered why we so suddenly quit speeding our horse + on the avenue. For two or three days we couldn't go down the avenue + enough, and there is no person but will admit that our old pile driver + trotted real spry. We did not get the idea that he was the fastest horse + that ever was, but he seemed real soon. It takes a good deal of executive + ability for a man who has a third-class horse to keep from going down the + road with horses that are too fast. One must be a good judge, and when he + finds a horse that he can beat, stick to him. + </p> + <p> + We got the thing down pretty fine, but one day a man drove along beside + us, going up, who seemed bound to get into conversation. He was a + red-faced man, with these side-bar whiskers, evidently a German. He was + driving a sorrel horse to a long sled, with a box on behind the seat, a + sort of delivery sleigh. He had a barrel in the sleigh, filled with + intestines from a slaughter house, two baskets full of the same freight, a + cow's head, and two sheep heads. He was evidently owner of a sausage + factory somewhere, and as he kept along beside us his company was somewhat + annoying. Not that we were proud, but we feared the people on the avenue + would think we were a silent partner in a sausage factory, and that we + were talking business. + </p> + <p> + The man was real entertaining in his conversation, but the load he had was + not congenial, and we were glad when the foot of the hill was reached, so + we could turn around and go down, and get away from him. We turned and + spit on our hands, and begun to pull up on the old horse, and he began to + get his legs untangled and to go. We forgot about the sausage butcher, as + we went down, the fresh air making every nerve get up and git. + </p> + <p> + Suddenly the nose of a sorrel horse began to work up by where we sat, and + we looked around, and may we never live to make a million dollars if it + wasn't the red-faced sausage man, intestines, cow's head, basket and all, + and his old horse was coming for all that was out. We blush for our sex. + It would look nice to get in the papers that we had been racing our + blue-blooded thoroughbred against a sausage butcher, wouldn't it? Our plan + was formed in an instant. Great generals form plans suddenly, and we took + out the whip and touched our horse on a raw spot, intending to go right + away from the fertilizer. + </p> + <p> + The horse seemed to smell the load behind him, and to have his pride + touched, for he snorted and let out another link. We don't know as anyone + would believe it, but the faster our beautiful and costly steed went, the + faster that homely and cheap butcher horse climbed. People by the hundreds + all along the line were watching the race. The baskets of sausage covets + were slewing around from one side of his sled to the other, and we + expected every moment one of them would flop over into our cutter. + </p> + <p> + Matters were becoming desperate, and we gave the horse one more cut and + went the last block at a fearful rate, but the butcher was right beside + us, so one mosquito bar would have covered us, and we came out neck and + neck, the Dutchman a little ahead because his horse was unchecked, and the + crowd yelled for the butcher. We turned to go up, when the butcher came up + alongside just as a carriage of beautiful ladies were passing, and as they + turned up their noses at his load, he said: + </p> + <p> + “Dot vas a nice race, ain't it, Mister Beck?” + </p> + <p> + We could have killed him in cold blood. Not that we dislike to be beaten. + We have always been beaten. It isn't that. But we don't want to trot + horses with no delivery wagon. We are not calculated for associating, in + the horse arena, with a load of slaughter house refuse. It is asking too + much. We are willing to race with Deacon Van Schaick, or brother Antisdel, + or Elder Hyde, or Elder Gordon, or any of those truly good men in whom + there is no guile, and in whose cutters there is no foreign matter, but as + long as reason maintains her throne we shall never go upon the track again + with a butcher. + </p> + <p> + There should be a law passed making it a penal offence for a person with a + delivery wagon to tackle onto a man who drives a thoroughbred. It is + wrong, and will lead to trouble. We have not given up racing entirely, but + hereafter we shall look the avenue over very close for butchers before we + let out our four legged telescope. A butcher is just as good as anybody, + understand us, but they must keep their distance. We don't want to look + into, the hind end of no cutter that is filled with slaughter house + ornaments, and we won't. It is not pride of birth, or anything of that + kind, but such people ought to drive on Wells street, or have slower + horses. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DOGS AND HUMAN BEINGS. + </h2> + <p> + Lorillard, the New York tobacco man, had a poodle dog stolen, and has + offered a reward of five hundred dollars for the arrest of the thief, and + he informs a reporter that he will spend $10,000, if necessary, for the + capture and conviction of the thief. [Applause.] + </p> + <p> + The applause marked in there will be from human skye terriers, who have + forgotten that only a few weeks ago several hundred girls, who had been + working in Lorillard's factory, went on a strike because, as they allege, + they were treated like dogs. We doubt if they were treated as well as this + poodle was treated. We doubt, in case one of these poor, virtuous girls + was kidnapped, if the great Lorillard would have offered as big a reward + for the conviction of the human thief, as he has for the conviction of the + person who has eloped with his poodle. + </p> + <p> + We hope that the aristocracy of this country will never get to valuing a + dog higher than it does a human being. When it gets so that a rich person + would not permit a poodle to do the work in a tobacco factory that a poor + girl does to support a sick mother, hell had better be opened for summer + boarders. When girls work ten hours a day stripping nasty tobacco, and + find at the end of the week that the fines for speaking are larger than + the wages, and the fines go for the conviction of thieves who steal the + girls' master's dog, no one need come around here lecturing at a dollar a + head and telling us there is no hell. + </p> + <p> + When a poor girl, who has gone creeping to her work at daylight, looks out + of the window at noon to see her master's carriage go by, in which there + is a five hundred dollar dog with a hundred dollar blanket on, and a + collar set with diamonds, lolling on satin cushions, and the girl is fined + ten cents for looking out of the window, you don't want to fool away any + time trying to get us to go to a heaven where such heartless employers are + expected. + </p> + <p> + It is seldom the <i>Sun</i> gets on its ear, but it can say with great + fervency, “Damn a man that will work poor girls like slaves, and pay them + next to nothing, and spend ten thousand dollars to catch a dog-thief!” If + these sentiments are sinful, and for expressing them we are a candidate + for fire and brimstone, it is all right, and the devil can stoke up and + make up our bunk when he hears that we are on the through train. + </p> + <p> + It seems now—though we may change our mind the first day at the fire—as + though we had rather be in hades with a hundred million people who have + always done the square thing, than to be in any heaven that will pass a + man in who has starved the poor and paid ten thousand dollars to catch a + dog-thief. We could have a confounded sight better time, even if we had + our ulster all burned off. It would be worth the price of admission to + stand with our back to the fire, and as we began to smell woolen burning + near the pistol pocket, to make up faces at the ten-thousand-dollar-dog + millionaires that were putting on style at the other place. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Andrews' <i>Bazar</i> says: “Gathered waists are very much worn.” + </p> + <p> + If the men would gather the waists carefully and not squeeze so like + blazes, they would not be worn so much. Some men go to work gathering a + waist just as they would go to work washing sheep, or raking and binding. + They ought to gather as though it was eggs done up in a funnel-shaped + brown paper at a grocery. + </p> + <p> + The Black River Falls Independent says: “If you have any old pants to give + to the poor, take or send them to the Ladies' Relief Society.” + </p> + <p> + Well, we have got plenty of them; but, bless you, we doubt if any member + of the Ladies' Relief Society could wear them. They don't hook up. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ARTHUR WILL KEEP A COW. + </h2> + <p> + It is announced by telegraph from Washington that Gen. Arthur will keep a + cow at the White House during his term, to furnish milk for the family, + rather than be obliged to depend upon a milk man who is in the habit of + selling a mixed drink, though the customers, prefer to take it-straight. + There is nothing that will do more to convince people of the true + simplicity of a President than for him to keep a cow. No man who + habitually associates with a cow, and stirs up a bran mash, and watches + her plow her nose down to the bottom in search of a potato paring, can be + wholly bad. If the President selects a good, honest cow we have no fears + that he will be a tyrant in his administration of affairs. A man is very + apt to absorb many of the characteristics and traits of the cow that he + milks. If she is a good natured, honest, law abiding cow, that “hoists” at + the word of command, stands firm and immovable while being milked, and + “gives down” freely, so that the fingers are not cramped, and she does not + switch her tail in the face of the milker, the man will be a good natured, + generous, honest man, but if the cow is one of those communists, and has + to be tied to the manger, and you have to hold one leg to keep her from + kicking over the pail, and she tries to run a horn into you, and keeps + stepping around, and her tail knocks your hat off and gets in your eyes, + and your nerves are unstrung for fear she is thinking of some deviltry to + play on you, the man whose duty it is to draw the milk from her udder will + become harsh, suspicious, cruel, tricky, and mean; and he will grind the + face of the poor. + </p> + <p> + The country will hope that Mr. Arthur, in selecting a cow, will use more + judgment than in selecting a cabinet, and will bring his great mind to + bear on the subject as though he appreciated the situation. We trust he + will not buy a cow of a democrat. There may be good cows owned by + democrats, but they are not for sale, and a democrat would sell him a + kicking cow that was farrow, just to injure his administration. Let him go + to some friend in his own party, some man who is interested in the success + of his administration, and state his case, and if possible get a cow on + trial. + </p> + <p> + This policy is wise from the fact that he could thus see if the cow was + going to hold out as a good milker. Some cows give a good mess of milk + when they first go to a new place, but in a week they let down and the + first thing you know they dry up entirely. Mr. Arthur wants to look out + for this. The country is full of bold, bad men, who would palm off a + kicking cow, or one that was not a stayer, onto their best friends. + </p> + <p> + Another thing, we would advise Mr. Arthur not to use a milking stool with + one leg, but to get one with three legs. It is undignified in any man to + stretch out on a barn floor, with a one-legged milk stool kicking him in + the pistol pocket, a pail of milk distributing itself over his person, and + a frightened cow backed up in a stall threatening to hook his daylights + out, and it would be more undignified in a President of the United States. + Get a three-legged stool, by all means, or use an empty soap box to sit + on. + </p> + <p> + If all this unsolicited but well meant advice is taken, the country will + be in no danger from Arthur's decision to keep a cow, and we shall hope to + see him on some fine morning next summer, as the sun is tinging the + eastern horizon with its ray as he slaps her on the rump with a piece of + barrel stave, or we will accept an invitation to visit his barn and show + him how to mix a bran mash that will wake to ecstacy the aforesaid cow, + and cause her milk to flow like back pay from the treasury. + </p> + <p> + When it comes to cows we deserve a cabinet position. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SHALL THERE BE HUGGING IN THE PARKS? + </h2> + <p> + The law-abiding people of this community were startled on Tuesday, and the + greatest indignation prevailed at an editorial article in the <i>Sentinel</i> + denouncing the practice of hugging in the public parks. The article went + on to show that the placing of seats in the parks leads to hugging, and + the editor denounced hugging in the most insane manner possible. + </p> + <p> + The <i>Sun</i> does not desire to enter politics, but when a great + constitutional question like this comes up, it will be found on the side + of the weak against the strong. + </p> + <p> + The <i>Sentinel</i> advises the removal of the seats from the park because + hugging is done on them. Great heavens! has it come to this? Are the + dearest rights of the American citizen to be abridged in this summary + manner? Let us call the attention of that powerful paper to a clause in + the Declaration of Independence, which asserts that “all men are created + free and equal, endowed with certain inalienable rights, among which are + life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” When the framers of that + great Declaration of Independence were at work on that clause, they must + have had in view the pastime of hugging in the parks. + </p> + <p> + Hugging is certainly a “pursuit of happiness.” People do not hug for wages—that + is, except on the stage. Nobody is obliged to hug. It is a sort of + spontaneous combustion, as it were, of the feelings, and has to have + proper conditions of the atmosphere to make it a success. Parties who + object to hugging are old, usually, and have been satiated, and are like a + lemon that has done duty in circus lemonade. If they had a job of hugging, + they would want to hire a man to do it for them. + </p> + <p> + A man who objects to a little natural, soul-inspiring hugging on a back + seat in a park, of an evening, with a fountain throwing water all over + little cast-iron cupids, has probably got a soul, but he hasn't got it + with him. To the student of nature there is no sight more beautiful than + to see a flock of young people take seats in the park, after the sun has + gone to bed in the west, and the moon has pulled a fleecy cloud over her + face for a veil, so as not to disturb the worshippers. + </p> + <p> + A couple, one a male and the other a female, will sit far apart on the + cast-iron seat for a moment, when the young lady will try to fix her cloak + over her shoulders, and she can't fix it, and then the young man will help + her, and when he has got it fixed he will go off and leave one arm around + the small of her back. He will miss his arm, and wonder where he left it, + and go back after it, and in the dark he will feel around with the other + hand to find the hand he left, and suddenly the two hands will meet; they + will express astonishment, and clasp each other, and be so glad that they + will begin to squeeze, and the chances are that they will cut the girl in + two, but they never do. Under such circumstances, a girl can exist on less + atmosphere than she can when doing a washing. + </p> + <p> + There is just about so much hugging that has to be done, and the <i>Sentinel</i> + should remember that very many people have not facilities at their homes + for such soul-stirring work, and they are obliged to flee to the parks, or + to the woods, where the beneficent city government has provided all of the + modern improvements. + </p> + <p> + Hugging is as necessary to the youth of the land as medicine to the sick, + and instead of old persons, whose days of kittenhood are over, throwing + cold water upon the science of hugging, they should encourage it by all + legitimate means. + </p> + <p> + When, in strolling through the parks, you run on to a case of sporadic + hugging, instead of making a noise on the gravel walk, to cause the + huggists to stop it, you should trace your steps noiselessly, get behind a + tree, and see how long they can stand it without dying. Instead of + removing the cast-iron seats from the parks, we should be in favor of + furnishing reserved seats for old people, so they can sit and watch the + hugging. + </p> + <p> + It doesn't do any hurt to hug. + </p> + <p> + People think it is unhealthy, but nobody was ever known to catch cold + while hugging. It is claimed by some that young people who stay out nights + and hug, are not good for anything the next day. There is something to + this, but if they didn't get any hugging they wouldn't be worth a cent any + time. They would be all the time looking for it. + </p> + <p> + No, good Mr. <i>Sentinel</i>, on behalf of fifty thousand young people who + have no organ to make known their wants, we ask you to stay your hand, and + do not cause the seats to be removed from the parks. Remember how many + there are who have yet to learn the noble art of hugging, and give them a + chance. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE BOB-TAILED BADGER. + </h2> + <p> + The last legislature, having nothing else to do, passed a law providing + for a change in the coat-of-arms of the State. There was no change, + particularly, except to move the plows and shovels around a little, put on + a few more bars of pig lead, put a new fashioned necktie on the sailor who + holds the rope, the emblem of lynch law, tuck the miner's breeches into + his boots a little further, and amputate the tail of the badger. We do not + care for the other changes, as they were only intended to give the + engraver a job, but when an irresponsible legislature amputates the tail + of the badger, the emblem of the democratic party that crawls into a hole + and pulls the hole in after him, it touches us in our patriotism. + </p> + <p> + The badger, as nature made him, is a noble bird, and though he resembles a + skunk too much to be very proud of, they had no right to cut off his tail + and stick it up like a sore thumb. As it is now the new comer to our + Garden of Eden will not know whether our emblem is a Scotch terrier + smelling into the archives of the State for a rat, or a defalcation, or a + <i>sic semper Americanus scunch</i>. We do not complain that the sailor + with the Pinafore shirt on, on the new coat-of-arms, is made to resemble + Senator Cameron, or that the miner looks like Senator Sawyer. These things + are of minor importance, but the docking of that badger's tail, and + setting it up like a bob-tail horse, is an outrage upon every citizen of + the State, and when the democrats get into power that tail shall be + restored to its normal condition if it takes all the blood and treasure in + the State, and this work of the republican incendiaries shall be undone. + The idea of Wisconsin appearing among the galaxy of States with a + bob-tailed badger is repugnant to all our finer feelings. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CANNIBALS AND CORK LEGS. + </h2> + <p> + Great results are expected from an experiment recently tried by the + American Missionary Society. Last fall they sent as missionary to the + cannibal Islands a brother who had lost both arms and both legs in a + railroad accident. He was provided with cork limbs, and his voice being, + in good condition it was believed he could get in his work with the + heathen as well as though he was a whole man. The idea was to allow the + cannibals to kill him and eat him, believing that the heathen would see + the error of their ways and swear off on human flesh. + </p> + <p> + A report has been received which is very encouraging. It seems that the + cannibals killed the good missionary, and cut off his arms and legs for a + sort of stew, or “boyaw,” thus falling directly into the trap set for them + by the missionary society. The missionary stationed at the next town, who + furnishes the society with the data, says it was the most laughable thing + he ever witnessed, to see the heathen chew on those cork limbs. They + boiled them all day and night, keeping up a sort of a go-as-you-please + walk around, or fresh meat dance, and giving a sacred concert about like + our national “Whoop it up, Liza Jane,” and when they stuck a fork into the + boiling limbs, and found that the “meat” seemed water soaked, they set the + table and sounded the loud timbrel for breakfast. + </p> + <p> + The surviving missionary says he shall never forget the look of pain on + the face of a buck cannibal as he bit into the elbow joint of the late + lamented and struck a brass hinge. He picked it out as an American would + pick a buckshot out of a piece of venison, and laid it beside his plate in + an abstracted manner, and began to chew on the cork elbow. Any person who + has ever tried to draw a cork out of a beer bottle with his teeth can + realize the feelings of these cannibals as they tried to draw sustenance + from the remains of the cork man. They were saddened, and it is safe to + say they are incensed against the missionary society. + </p> + <p> + Whether they will conclude that all Americans have become tough, and quit + trying to masticate them, is not known, though that is the object sought + to be attained by the society. One of the cannibals said he knew, when + those legs and arms would not stay under water when they were boiling, and + had to be loaded down with stones, that the meat wasn't right, but his + wife told him “some pork <i>would</i> bile so.” + </p> + <p> + The experiment is worth following up, and we suppose hereafter there will + be a great demand for men with cork arms and legs to be sent as + missionaries. After a few such experiences the cannibals may see the error + of their ways and become Christians, and eat dog sausage and Limberg + cheese. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE MINISTERIAL PUGILISTS. + </h2> + <p> + Those who read the account of the trial of Rev. Carhart, at Oshkosh, are + about as sick of true goodness as men can be. They open the ecclesiastical + court by singing “A charge to keep I have,” and then Brother Haddock, + after a prayer has been delivered, does not keep his charges, but fires + them at the presiding elder. Good old tunes are sung previous to calling + witnesses to testify to alleged three carde monte acts of a disciple of + Christ. Sanctimonious looking men pray for divine guidance, and then try + to prove that a dear brother has bilked another dear brother out of + several hundred dollars on Texas lands, and that he tried to trade a wagon + at double what it is worth to settle the matter. + </p> + <p> + They sing, “Take me just as I am,” and then try to prove that the one who + made charges against the other is not altogether holy, because he is + alleged to have confessed to passing the night in a room with a female + church member, in silent devotion, when he swears it is a lie,—that + he only laid on a lounge. + </p> + <p> + Prominent Methodists collect at the bull-fight in Oshkosh, take sides with + one or the other, and lay their bottom prayer that their champion will + come out on top, with not a stripe polluted nor a star erased: + </p> + <p> + One side sings, “Jesus caught me when a stranger,” and the other side + smiles and winks and whispers that they are glad he was caught. + </p> + <p> + They sing, “Rock of ages, cleft for me,” and proceed to cleave the rock of + each other's character. They cast one eye heavenward in prayer, while with + the other they watch the other side to see that they don't steal the + testimony. + </p> + <p> + Some one starts “Little drops of water,” and big drops of perspiration + appear on truly good foreheads for fear proof will be adduced to show that + money has been obtained under false pretenses. + </p> + <p> + And this goes by the name of religion! + </p> + <p> + There should be honor among ministers. Both of the principals in this suit + should be bounced. If the charges are true, Carhart should emigrate. If + they are not true, Haddock should emigrate. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MUSIC ON THE WATERS. + </h2> + <p> + Our readers have no doubt noticed in the papers that the Goodrich + Transportation Company had secured a band from Waupun to make music on the + boats of that line between Milwaukee and Chicago this summer. Well, there + is trouble going on in consequence. Mr. Hurson, of the Goodrich line, + entrusted the organization of the band to Mr. Nick Jarvis, of Waupun, a + gentleman whose reputation as a scientific pounder of the bass drum has + received encomiums from the crowned heads of Oshkosh and Hazen's cheese + factory. + </p> + <p> + Having such confidence in Mr. Jarvis, Mr. Hurson gave him a roving + commission, with authority to secure the best talent in the known world. + He organized the band, and then it occurred to Mr. Jarvis that the + musicians had always been accustomed to playing on land, and they might be + sick on the water, so he took measures to accustom them to a sea-faring + life before leaving Waupun. He got them to practicing in a building, and + hired some boys to throw water up on the side of the house, to see if they + would be seasick. The band fellows would have stood the sea first-rate, + only the villains who had been hired to throw the water used a lot of + dirty stuff they found back of a hotel, which smelled powerful. + </p> + <p> + A number of the band members felt the swash of the waves against the + bulwarks of the house, and smelled what they supposed to be salt sea air, + and they leaned out of the windows and wanted to throw up their + situations, but a German in the party had a lemon and some cheese, which + was given around to taste and smell, and they came out of it all right. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Jarvis' next idea, to accustom the prairie sailors to the vasty deep, + was to take them out on the mill pond at Waupun in a skiff. They got out + in the middle of the pond, and were playing a selection from the opera of + “Solid Muldoon,” when a boy who had slipped into the boat with a + fish-pole, got a bite from a bull-head, which caused the vessel to roll, + and the utmost confusion prevailed. Ordering the snare drum player to “cut + away the main bob-stay, and belay the cornet,” Mr. Jarvis took the bass + drum between his teeth and jumped overboard, followed by the band, and + they waded ashore. + </p> + <p> + On Monday last the band arrived in Milwaukee and reported on board the + Goodrich steamer, in the river, ready for business. They were told to go + as they pleased until evening, when they would be expected to play before + the boat started, and also on the trip to Chicago. The men sat around on + deck all the afternoon, and smelled of the river. It smelled different + from any salt water they ever snuffed, and they wanted to go home. + </p> + <p> + At seven o'clock the band played a few tunes as the boat lay in the river, + and finally she let go her ropes and steamed down toward the lake, the + band whooping it up to the “Blue Danube.” As the boat struck blue water, + and her bow raised out about sixteen feet and began to jump, the cornet + player stopped to pour water out of his horn, and lean against a post. He + was as pale as death, and the tuba player stopped to see what ailed the + cornet player, and to lean over the railing to see a man down stairs. The + baritone had eaten something that did not agree with him, and he stopped + playing and laid down in a life boat, the alto became cold around the + extremities and quit playing and went to the smoke stack to warm himself, + the b-flat began to perspire and quit playing and fanned himself with the + cymbals, and all of the horn blowers were e-flat and b-flat on the deck in + less than two minutes. + </p> + <p> + The captain noticed that there was some discrepancy in the music and came + on deck to see about it. Wading through the brass horns he came up to + where the band had been, and found Nick Jarvis beating blazes out of the + bass drum and Harve Hill carving the Blue Danube out of the snare drum, + and that was all the music there was. The captain asked Jarvis what kind + of a riot that was, and he told him it was the best they could do under + the circumstances. + </p> + <p> + Restoratives were applied to the members, and they braced up enough to + start in on “Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep,” but they couldn't play it + through, owing to dyspepsia. The captain got them into the cabin to play + for the young folks to dance, but the only thing they could play without + getting sick was “Home Again, from a Foreign Shore,” and the bass drum had + to do it all. The horn blowers were out looking at the starlight, leaning + over the railing, as the stars were reflected in the water. + </p> + <p> + At Racine it took some time to load, owing to rough water, and in the + midst of it all a pale man, with a snare drum on his arm, rolled up + against the captain. It was Harve Hill. He held his hand over his mouth + and in a voice choked with emotion and fried potatoes he said: + </p> + <p> + “Captain, I am a poor man, but if you will land this boat and save me, I + will give you nine dollars.” + </p> + <p> + The captain decided to dispense with the music the rest of the night, and + let the band get on its sea legs. + </p> + <p> + At Chicago, the next morning, Jarvis, who had got a little sick, too, + tried to induce the captain to allow the band to walk back to Milwaukee on + the shore, beside the boat. He said they could play any tune that ever was + played, on land, and the passengers could hear it just as well, if the + boat kept alongside of the band. The captain wouldn't let them off, and + they have been kept on the boat all the week, so that now they are old + sailors, and can play all right. But it was pretty tough the first night. + Waupun is organizing a reception for the band when it comes home. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WOMAN-DOZING A DEMOCRAT. + </h2> + <p> + A fearful tale comes to us from Columbus. A party of prominent citizens of + that place took a trip to the Dells of Wisconsin one day last week. It was + composed of ladies and gentlemen of both political parties, and it was + hoped that nothing would occur to mar the pleasure of the excursion. + </p> + <p> + When the party visited the Dells, Mr. Chapin, a lawyer of Democratic + proclivities, went out upon a rock overhanging a precipice, or words to + that effect, and he became so absorbed in the beauty of the scene that he + did not notice a Republican lady who left the throng and waltzed softly up + behind him. She had blood in her eye and gum in her mouth, and she grasped + the lawyer, who is a weak man, by the arms, and hissed in his ear: + </p> + <p> + “Hurrah for Garfield, or I will plunge you headlong into the yawning gulf + below!” + </p> + <p> + It was a trying moment. Chapin rather enjoyed being held by a woman, but + not in such a position that, if she let go her hold to spit on her hands, + he would go a hundred feet down, and become as flat as the Greenback + party, and have to be carried home in a basket. + </p> + <p> + In a second he thought over all the sins of his past life, which was + pretty quick work, as anybody will admit who knows the man. He thought of + how he would be looked down upon by Gabe Bouck, and all the fellows, if it + once got out that he had been frightened into going back on his party. + </p> + <p> + He made up his mind that he would die before he would hurrah for Garfield, + but when the merciless woman pushed him towards the edge of the rock, and + said, “Last call! Yell, or down you go!” he opened his mouth and yelled so + they heard it in Kilbourn City: + </p> + <p> + “Hurrah for Garfield! Now lemme go!” + </p> + <p> + Though endowed with more than ordinary eloquence, no remarks that he had + ever made before brought the applause that this did. Everybody yelled, and + the woman smiled as pleasantly as though she had not crushed the young + life out of her victim, and left him a bleeding sacrifice on the altar of + his country, but when she had realized what she had done her heart smote + her, and she felt bad. + </p> + <p> + Chapin will never be himself again. From that moment his proud spirit was + broken, and all during the picnic he seemed to have lost his cud. He + leaned listlessly against a tree, pale as death, and fanned himself with a + skimmer. When the party had spread the lunch on the ground and gathered + around, sitting on the ant-hills, he sat down with them mechanically, but + his appetite was gone, and when that is gone there is not enough of him + left for a quorum. + </p> + <p> + Friends rallied around him, passed the pickles, and drove the antmires out + of a sandwich, and handed it to him on a piece of shingle, but he either + passed or turned it down. He said he couldn't take a trick. Later on, when + the lemonade was brought on, the flies were skimmed off of some of it, and + a little colored water was put in to make it look inviting, but his eyes + were sot. He said they couldn't fool him. After what had occurred, he + didn't feel as though any Democrat was safe. He expected to be poisoned on + account of his politics, and all he asked was to live to get home. + </p> + <p> + Nothing was left undone to rally him, and cause him to forget the fearful + scene through which he had passed. Only once did he partially come to + himself, and show an interest in worldly affairs, and that was when it was + found that he had sat down on some raspberry jam with his white pants on. + When told of it, he smiled a ghastly smile, and said they were all welcome + to his share of the jam. + </p> + <p> + They tried to interest him in conversation by drawing war maps with + three-tined forks on the jam, but he never showed that he knew what they + were about until Mr. Moak, of Watertown, took a brush, made of cauliflower + preserved in mustard, and shaded the lines of the war map on Mr. Cha-pin's + trousers, which Mr. Butterfield had drawn in the jam. Then his artistic + eye took in the incongruity of the colors, and he gasped for breath, and + said: + </p> + <p> + “Moak, that is played out. People will notice it.” + </p> + <p> + But he relapsed again into semi-unconsciousness, and never spoke again, + not a great deal, till he got home. + </p> + <p> + He has ordered that there be no more borrowing of sugar and drawings of + tea back and forth between his house and that of the lady who broke his + heart, and he has announced that he will go without saurkraut all winter + rather than borrow a machine for cutting cabbage of a woman that would + destroy the political prospects of a man who had never done a wrong in his + life. + </p> + <p> + He has written to the chairman of the Democratic State Central Committee + to suspend judgment on his case, until he can explain how it happened that + a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat hurrahed for Garfield. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A LIVELY TRAIN LOAD. + </h2> + <p> + Last week a train load of insane persons were removed from the Oshkosh + Asylum to the Madison Asylum. As the train was standing on the sidetrack + at Watertown Junction it created considerable curiosity. People who have + ever passed Watertown Junction have noticed the fine old gentleman who + comes into the car with a large square basket, peddling popcorn. He is one + of the most innocent and confiding men in the world. He is honest, and he + believes that everybody else is honest. + </p> + <p> + He came up to the depot with his basket, and seeing the train he asked + Pierce, the landlord there, what train it was. Pierce, who is a most + diabolical person, told the old gentleman that it was a load of members of + the legislature and female lobbyists going to Madison. With that beautiful + confidence which the pop corn man has in all persons, he believed the + story, and went in the car to sell pop corn. + </p> + <p> + Stopping at the first seat, where a middle-aged lady was sitting alone, + the pop corn man passed out his basket and said, “fresh pop corn.” The + lady took her foot down off the stove, looked at the man a moment with + eyes glaring and wild, and said, “It is—no, it cannot be—and + yet it <i>is</i> me long lost Duke of Oshkosh,” and she grabbed the old + man by the necktie with one hand and pulled him down into the seat, and + began to mow away corn into her mouth. The pop corn man blushed, looked at + the rest of the passengers to see if they were looking, and said, as he + replaced the necktie knot from under his left ear and pushed his collar + down, “Madame, you are mistaken. I have never been a duke in Oshkosh. I + live here at the Junction.” The woman looked at him as though she doubted + his statement, but let him go. + </p> + <p> + He proceeded to the next seat, when a serious looking man rose up and + bowed; the pop corn man also bowed and smiled as though he might have met + him before. Taking a paper of pop corn and putting it in his coat tail + pocket, the serious man said, “I was honestly elected President of the + United States in 1876, but was counted out by the vilest conspiracy that + ever was concocted on the earth, and I believe you are one of the + conspirators,” and he spit on his hands and looked the pop corn man in the + eye. The pop corn man said he never took any active part in politics, and + had nothing to do with that Hayes business at all. Then the serious man + sat down and began eating the pop corn, while two women on the other side + of the car helped themselves to the corn in the basket. + </p> + <p> + The pop corn man held out his hand for the money, when a man two seats + back came forward and shook hands with him, saying: “They told me you + would not come, but you have come, Daniel, and now we will fight it out. I + will take this razor, and you can arm yourself at your leisure.” The man + reached into an inside, pocket of his coat, evidently for a razor, when + the pop corn man started for the door, his eyes sticking out two inches. + Every person he passed took a paper of pop corn, one man grabbed his coat + and tore one tail off, another took his basket away and as he rushed out + on the platform the basket was thrown at his head, and a female voice + said, “I will be ready when the carriage calls at 8.” + </p> + <p> + As the old gentleman struck the platform and began to arrange his toilet + he met Fitzgerald, the conductor, who asked him what was the matter. He + said Pierce told him that crowd was going to the legislature, “but,” says + he, as he picked some pieces of paper collar out of the back of his neck, + “if those people are not delegates to a democratic convention, then I have + been peddling pop corn on this road ten years for nothing, and don't know + my business.” Fitz told him they were patients going to the Insane Asylum. + </p> + <p> + The old man thought it over a moment, and then he picked up a coupling pin + and went looking for Pierce. He says he will kill him. Pierce has not been + out of the house since. This Pierce is the same man that lent us a runaway + horse once. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HOW SHARPER THAN A HOUND'S TOOTH. + </h2> + <p> + Years ago we swore on a stack of red chips that we would never own another + dog. Six promising pups that had been presented to us, blooded setters and + pointers, had gone the way of all dog flesh, with the distemper and dog + buttons, and by falling in the cistern, and we had been bereaved <i>via</i> + dog misfortunes as often as John R. Bennett, of Janesville, has been + bereaved on the nomination for attorney general. We could not look a pup + in the face but it would get sick, and so we concluded never again to own + a dog. + </p> + <p> + The vow has been religiously kept since. Men have promised us thousands of + pups, but we have never taken them. One conductor has promised us at least + seventy-five pups, but he has always failed to get us to take one. Dog + lovers have set up nights to devise a way to induce us to accept a dog. We + held out firmly until last week. One day we met Pierce, the Watertown + Junction hotel man, and he told us he had a greyhound pup that was the + finest bread dog—we think he said bread dog, though it might have + been a sausage dog he said—anyway he told us it was blooded, and + that when it grew up to be a man—that is, figuratively speaking—when + it grew up to be a dog full size, it would be the handsomest canine in the + Northwest. + </p> + <p> + We kicked on it, entirely, at first, but when he told us hundreds of men + who had seen the pup had offered him thousands of dollars for it, but that + he had rather give it to a friend than sell it to a stranger; we weakened, + and told him to send it in. + </p> + <p> + Well—(excuse us while we go into a corner and mutter a silent + remark)—it came in on the train Monday, and was taken to the barn. + It is the confoundedest looking dog that a white man ever set eyes on. It + is about the color of putty, and about seven feet long, though it is only + six months old. The tail is longer than a whip lash, and when you speak + sassy to that dog, the tail will begin to curl around under him, amongst + his legs, double around over his neck and back over where the tail + originally was hitched to the dog, and then there is tail enough left for + four ordinary dogs. + </p> + <p> + It is the longest tail we have ever seen in one number. If that tail was + cut up into ordinary tails, such as common dogs wear, there would be + enough for all the dogs in the Seventh ward, with enough left for a white + wire clothes line. When he lays down his tail curls up like a coil of + telephone wire, and if you take hold of it and wring you can hear the dog + at the central office. If that dog is as long in proportion, when he gets + his growth, and his tail grows as much as his body does, the dog will + reach from here to the Soldier's home. + </p> + <p> + His head is about as big as a graham gem, and runs down to a point not + bigger than a cambric needle, while his ears are about as big as a thumb + to a glove, and they hang down as though the dog didn't want to hear + anything. How a head of that kind can contain brains enough to cause a dog + to know enough to go in when it rains is a mystery. But he seems to be + intelligent. + </p> + <p> + If a man comes along on the sidewalk, the dog will follow him off, follow + him until he meets another man, and then he follows <i>him</i> till he + meets another, and so on until he has followed the entire population. He + is not an aristocratic dog, but will follow one person just as soon as + another, and to see him going along the street, with his tail coiled up, + apparently oblivious to every human sentiment, it is touching. + </p> + <p> + His legs are about the size of pipe stems, and his feet are as big as a + base ball base. He wanders around, following a boy, then a middle aged + man, then a little girl, then an old man, and finally, about meal time, + the last person he follows seems to go by the barn and the dog wanders in + and looks for a buffalo robe or a harness tug to chew. It does not cost + anything to keep him, as he has only eaten one trotting harness and one + fox skin robe since Monday, though it may not be right to judge of his + appetite, as he may be a little off his feed. + </p> + <p> + Pierce said he would be a nice dog to run with a horse, or under a + carriage. Why, bless you, he won't go within twenty feet of a horse, and a + horse would run away to look at him; besides, he gets right under a + carriage wheel, and when the wheel runs over him he complains, and sings + Pinafore. + </p> + <p> + What under the sun that dog is ever going to be good for is more than we + know. He is too lean and bony for sausage. A piece of that dog as big as + your finger in a sausage would ruin a butcher. It would be a dead give + away. He looks as though he might point game, if the game was brought to + his attention, but he would be just as liable to point a cow. He might do + to stuff and place in a front yard to frighten burglars. If a burglar + wouldn't be frightened at that dog nothing would scare him. + </p> + <p> + Anyway, now we have got him, we will bring him up, though it seems as + though he would resemble a truss bridge or a refrigerator car, as much as + a dog, when he gets his growth. For fear he will follow off a wagon track + we tie a knot in his tail. Parties who have never seen a very long dog can + call at the barn about meal time and see him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A SEWING MACHINE GIVEN TO THE BOSS GIRL. + </h2> + <p> + In response to a request from W. T. Vankirk, George W. Peck presented the + Rock County Agricultural Society with a sewing machine, to be given to the + “boss combination girl” of Rock County. With the machine he sent the + following letter, which explains his meaning of a “combination girl,” + etc.: + </p> + <p> + Milwaukee, June 7, 1881. + </p> + <p> + W. T. Vankirk—Dear Sir: Your letter, in reference to my giving some + kind of a premium to somebody, at your County Fair, is received, and I + have been thinking it over. I have brought my massive intellect to bear + upon the subject, with the following result: + </p> + <p> + I ship you to-day, by express, a sewing machine, complete, with cover, + drop leaf, hemmer, tucker, feller, drawers, and everything that a girl + wants, except corsets and tall stockings. Now, I want you to give that to + the best “combination girl” in Rock County, with the compliments of the <i>Sun</i>. + </p> + <p> + What I mean by a “combination,” is one that in the opinion of your + Committee has all the modern improvements, and a few of the old-fashioned + faults, such as health, etc. She must be good-looking, that is, not too + handsome, but just handsome enough. You don't want to give this machine to + any female statue, or parlor ornament, who don't know how to play a tune + on it, or who is as cold as a refrigerator car, and has no heart concealed + about her person. Our girl, that is, our “Fair Girl,” that takes this + machine, must be “the boss.” She must be jolly and good-natured, such a + girl as would make the young man that married her think that Rock County + was the next door to heaven, anyway. She must be so healthy that nature's + roses will discount any preparation ever made by man, and so well-formed + that nothing artificial is needed to—well, Van, you know what I + mean. + </p> + <p> + You want to pick out a thoroughbred, that is, all wool, a yard wide—that + is, understand me, I don't want the girl to be a yard wide, but just + right. Your Committee don't want to get “mashed” on some ethereal creature + whose belt is not big enough for a dog collar. This premium girl wants to + be able to do a day's work, if necessary, and one there is no danger of + breaking in two if her intended should hug her. + </p> + <p> + After your Committee have got their eyes on a few girls that they think + will fill the bill, then they want to find out what kind of girls they are + around their home. Find if they honor their fathers and their mothers, and + are helpful, and care as much for the happiness of those around them as + they do for their own. If you find one who is handsome as Venus—I + don't know Venus, but I have heard that she takes the cake—I say, if + you find one that is perfect in everything, but shirks her duties at home, + and plays, “I Want to Be an Angel,” on the piano, while her mother is + mending her stockings, or ironing her “picnic skirts,” then let her go + ahead and be an angel as quick as she wants to, but don't give her the + machine.. You catch the idea? + </p> + <p> + Find a girl who has the elements of a noble woman; one whose heart is so + large that she has to wear a little larger corset than some, but one who + will make her home happy, and who is a friend to all; one who would walk + further to do a good deed, and relieve suffering, than she would to + patronize an ice cream saloon; one who would keep her mouth shut a month + before she would say an unkind word, or cause a pang to another. Let your + Committee settle on such a girl, and she is as welcome to that machine as + possible. + </p> + <p> + Now, Van, you ought to have a Committee appointed at once, and no one + should know who the Committee is. They should keep their eyes out from now + till the time of the Fair, and they should compare notes once in a while. + You have got some splendid judges of girls there in Janesville, but you + better appoint married men. They are usually more unbiased. They should + not let any girl know that she is suspected of being the premium girl, + until the judgment is rendered, so no one will be embarrassed by feeling + that she is competing tor a prize. + </p> + <p> + Now, Boss, I leave the constitution and the girls in your hands; and if + this premium is the means of creating any additional interest in your + Fair, and making people feel good natured and jolly, I shall be amply + repaid. + </p> + <p> + Your friend, + </p> + <p> + Geo. W. Peck. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DON'T APPRECIATE KINDNESS. + </h2> + <p> + One of the members of the Humane Society, who lives in an aristocratic + ward, had been annoyed at hearing sounds from a stable near his residence, + which indicated that a boy who had charge of a horse was in the habit of + pounding the animal vigorously every morning, while cleaning off the dirt. + It seemed to the humane man that the boy must use a barrel stave or fence + board to curry off the horse, and the way the animal danced around the + barn was terrible. + </p> + <p> + It occurred every morning, and the humane man made up his mind that it was + his duty to put a stop to it. He went to the barn one morning, just as the + cotillion commenced. Looking through a knot hole he saw the horse tied so + his head was away up to the top of the barn, so he could not use his teeth + to defend himself. The boy stood with a curry comb in one hand and a piece + of plank in the other, and he warmed the horse with both, and the animal + kicked for all that was out. + </p> + <p> + The humane man thought this was the worst case of cruelty to animals that + ever was, and he rapped for admission. The boy, covered with perspiration, + horse tail, stable refuse and indignation, opened the door, and the humane + man proceeded to read him a lecture about cruelty to dumb animals, called + him a fiend in human form, and told him that kindness was what was + necessary, instead of a club. + </p> + <p> + The boy couldn't get in a word edgeways for a while, but when the man had + exhausted his talk the boy told him that kindness might work on ordinary + horses, but this horse was the meanest animal in the world. He would bite + and kick without any provocation, and the present owner couldn't sell him + or give him away. He said that the only way he could be curried was to tie + him up at both ends, and the only way he could be harnessed was to toss + the harness on him with a pitch fork. + </p> + <p> + The horse, with his head tied up so high that he could not use it, looked + down at the humane man with one eye filled with emotion—the other + eye had been knocked out years ago—and seemed to be thanking the + kind-hearted citizen for interfering in the matinee and causing + hostilities to be suspended. The humane man was touched by the intelligent + look of the horse, and insisted that the animal be untied and allowed its + freedom. The boy said he didn't dare untie him, for he would kick the side + of the barn out, but the man insisted that he should release the horse, + and went up to his head to do so, when the boy went through the manure + hole in the side of the barn. + </p> + <p> + What happened when the humane citizen untied the halter will perhaps never + be definitely known, but no sooner had the boy struck the ground through + the hole, than there was a sound of revelry in the barn, there came a yell + through the crevices, there seemed to be a company of cavalry drilling on + the barn floor, there was a sound as of cloth tearing, and then it + appeared as though something was climbing up the inside of the barn, and + after which the hind heels of the horse could be heard playing the snare + drum on the manger. The boy roused the neighbors and they armed themselves + and entered the barn. They found the horse in the stall, with its head + where its tail should be, with its mouth full of pantaloons cloth, and + kicking away as though its heart would break. + </p> + <p> + And the humane man, where, O, where was he? Ask of the winds that far + around with fragments of hat and coat tail strewed the barn floor. + </p> + <p> + “Shoot the horse.” said a faint voice from the upper part of the barn, and + every eye was turned in that direction. The humane man was up there, + clinging to a cross piece. He had evidently gone up the ladder which led + to the hay loft, a little ahead of the horse, and as he clung to the cross + piece, his coat tail gone, and the vital part of his pantaloons and some + skin gone to that bourne from whence no pantaloons seat returns, his bald + head covered with dust and cobwebs, he was a picture of meekness. + </p> + <p> + The crowd got the horse into another stall, head first, and put bars + across, and the humane man came down from his perch. Seizing a barn + shovel, and spitting on his hands, he asked his friends to wait and watch + him curry off that horse just a minute for luck. He said he only wanted to + live just long enough to maul every rib out of the animal, and if he was + forgiven for interfering in somebody's else's business this time he would + try and lead a different life in the future. + </p> + <p> + They put a horse blanket around his wounds and led him home, and he has + given the boy five dollars to pound the horse an hour every morning for + the next thirty days. You can't make that man believe that a horse has any + intelligence. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + RELIGION AND FISH. + </h2> + <p> + Newspaper reports of the proceedings of the Sunday School Association + encamped on Lake Monona, at Madison, give about as many particulars of big + catches of fish as of sinners. The delegates divide their time catching + sinners on spoon-hooks and bringing pickerel to repentance. Some of the + good men hurry up their prayers, and while the “Amen” is leaving their + lips they snatch a fish-pole in one hand and a baking-powder box full of + angle worms in the other, and light out for the Beautiful Beyond, where + the rock bass turn up sideways, and the wicked cease from troubling. + </p> + <p> + Discussions on how to bring up children in the way they should go are + broken into by a deacon with his nose peeled coming up the bank with a + string of perch in one hand, a broken fish-pole in the other, and a pair + of dropsical pantaloons dripping dirty water into his shoes. + </p> + <p> + It is said to be a beautiful sight to see a truly good man offering up + supplications from under a wide-brimmed fishing hat, and as he talks of + the worm that never, or hardly ever dies, red angle worms that have dug + out of the piece of paper in which they were rolled up are crawling out of + his vest pocket. + </p> + <p> + The good brothers compare notes of good places to do missionary work, + where sinners are so thick you can knock them down with a club, and then + they get boats and row to some place on the lake where a local liar has + told them the fish are just sitting around on their haunches waiting for + some one to throw in a hook. + </p> + <p> + This mixing religion with fishing for black bass and pickerel is a good + thing for religion, and not a bad thing for the fish. Let these Christian + statesmen get “mashed” on the sport of catching fish, and they will have + more charity for the poor man who, after working hard twelve hours a day + for six days, goes out on a lake Sunday and soaks a worm in the water and + appeases the appetite of a few of God's hungry pike, and gets dinner for + himself in the bargain. While arguing that it is wrong to fish on Sunday, + they will be brought right close to the fish, and can see better than + before, that if a poor man is rowing a boat across a lake on Sunday, and + his hook hangs over the stern, with a piece of liver on, and a fish that + nature has made hungry tries to steal his line and pole and liver, it is a + duty he owes to society to take that fish by the gills, put it in the boat + and reason with it, and try to show it that in leaving its devotions on a + Sunday and snapping at a poor man's only hook, it was setting a bad + example. + </p> + <p> + These Sunday school people will have a nice time, and do a great amount of + good, if the fish continue to bite, and they can go home with their hearts + full of the grace of God, their stomachs full of fish, their teeth full of + bones; and if they fall out of the boats, and their suspenders hold out, + they may catch a basin full of eels in the basement of their pantaloons. + </p> + <p> + But we trust they will not try to compete with the local sports in telling + fish stories. That would break up a whole Sunday school system. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A DOCTOR OF LAWS. + </h2> + <p> + A doctor at Ashland is also a justice of the peace, and when he is called + to visit a house he don't know whether he is to physic or to marry. + Several times he has been, called out in the night, to the country, and he + supposed some one must be awful sick, and he took a cart load of + medicines, only to find somebody wanted marrying. He has been fooled so + much that when he is called out now he carries a pill-bag and a copy of + the statutes, and tells them to take their choice. + </p> + <p> + He was called to one house and found a girl who seemed feverish. She was + sitting up in a chair, dressed nicely, but he saw at once that the fatal + flush was on her cheek, and her eyes looked peculiar. He felt of her + pulse, and it was beating at the rate of two hundred a minute. He asked + her to run out her tongue, and she run out eight or nine inches of the + lower end of it. It was covered with a black coating, and he shook his + head and looked sad. She had never been married any before, and supposed + that it was necessary for a justice who was going to marry a couple to + know all about their physical condition, so she kept quiet and answered + questions. + </p> + <p> + She did not tell him that she had been eating huckleberry pie, so he laid + the coating on her tongue to some disease that was undermining her + constitution. He put his ear on her chest and listened to the beating of + her heart, and shook his head again. + </p> + <p> + He asked her if she had been exposed to any contagious disease. She didn't + know what a contagious disease was, but on the hypothesis that he had + reference to sparking, she blushed and said she had, but only two + evenings, because John had only just got back from the woods where he had + been chopping, and she had to sit up with him. + </p> + <p> + The doctor got out his pill-bags and made some quinine powders, and gave + her some medicine in two tumblers, to be taken alternately, and told her + to soak her feet and go to bed, and put a hot mustard poultice on her + chest, and some onions around her neck. + </p> + <p> + She was mad, and flared right up, and said she wasn't very well posted, + and lived in the country, but if she knew her own heart she would not play + such a trick as that on a new husband. + </p> + <p> + The doctor got mad, and asked her if she thought he didn't understand his + business; and he was about to go and let her die, when the bridegroom came + in and told him to go ahead with the marrying. The doc said that altered + the case. He said next time he came he should know what to bring, and then + she blushed, and told him he was an old fool anyway, but he pronounced + them man and wife, and said the prescription would be five dollars, the + same as though there had been somebody sick. + </p> + <p> + But the doc had cheek. Just as he was leaving he asked the bridegroom if + he didn't want to ride up to Ashland with him, it was only eighteen miles, + and the ride would be lonesome, but the bride said not if the court knew + herself, and the bridegroom said now he was there he guessed he would + stay. He said he didn't care much about going to Ashland anyway. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DIFFERENCE IN HORSES. + </h2> + <p> + There has been a great change in livery horses within the last twenty + years. Years ago, if a young fellow wanted to take his girl out riding, + and expected to enjoy himself, he had to hire an old horse, the worst in + the livery stable, that would drive itself, or he never could get his arm + around his girl to save him. If he took a decent looking team, to to put + on style, he had to hang on to the lines with both hands, and if he even + took his eyes off the team to look at the suffering girl beside him, with + his mouth, the chances were that the team would jump over a ditch, or run + away, at the concussion. Riding out with girls was shorn of much of its + pleasure in those days. + </p> + <p> + We knew a young man that was going to put one arm around his girl if he + did not lay up a cent, and it cost him over three hundred dollars. The + team ran away, the buggy was wrecked, one horse was killed, the girl had + her hind leg broken, and the girl's father kicked the young man all over + the orchard, and broke the mainspring of his watch. + </p> + <p> + It got so that the livery rig a young man drove was an index to his + thoughts. If he had a stylish team that was right up on the bit, and full + of vinegar, and he braced himself and pulled for all that was out, and the + girl sat back in the corner of the buggy, looking as though she should + faint away if a horse got his tail over a line, then people said that + couple was all right, and there was no danger that they would be on + familiar terms. + </p> + <p> + But if they started out with a slow old horse that looked as though all he + wanted was to be left alone, however innocent the party might look, people + knew just as well as though they had seen it, that when they got out on + the road, or when night came on, that fellow's arm would steal around her + waist, and she would snug up to him, and—Oh, pshaw, you have heard + it before. + </p> + <p> + Well, late years the livery men have “got onto the racket,” as they say at + the church sociables. They have found that horses that know their business + are in demand, and so horses are trained for this purpose They are trained + on purpose for out door sparking. It is not an uncommon thing to see a + young fellow drive up to the house where his girl lives with a team that + is just tearing things. They prance, and champ the bit, and the young man + seems to pull on them as though his liver was coming out. The horses will + hardly stand still long enough for the girl to get in, and then they start + off and seem to split the air wide open, and the neighbors say, “Them + children will get all smashed up one of these days.” + </p> + <p> + The girl's mother and father see the team start, and their minds + experience a relief as they reflect that “as long as John drives that + frisky team there can't be no hugging a going on.” The girl's older sister + sighs and says, “That's so,” and goes to her room and laughs right out + loud. + </p> + <p> + It would be instructive to the scientists to watch that team for a few + miles. The horses fairly foam, before they get out of town, but striking + the country road, the fiery steeds come down to a walk, and they mope + along as though they had always worked on a hearse. The shady woods are + reached, and the carriage scarcely moves, and the horses seem to be + walking in their sleep. The lines are loose on the dash board, and the + left arm of the driver is around the pretty girl, and they are talking + low. It is not necessary to talk loud, as they are so near each other that + the faintest whisper can be heard. + </p> + <p> + But a change comes over them. A carriage appears in front, coming towards + them. It may be some one that knows them. The young man picks up the + lines, and the horses are in the air, and as they pass the other carriage + it almost seems as though the team is running away, and the girl that was + in sweet repose a moment before acts as though she wanted to get out. + After passing the intruder the walk and conversation are continued. + </p> + <p> + If you meet the party on the Whitefish Bay road at 10 o'clock at night, + the horses are walking as quietly as oxen, and they never wake up until + coming into town, and then he pulls up the team and drives through town + like a cyclone, and when he drives up to the house the old man is on the + steps, and he thinks John must be awful tired trying to hold that team. + And he is. + </p> + <p> + It is thought by some that horses have no intelligence, but a team that + knows enough to take in a sporadic case of buggy sparking has got sense. + These teams come high, but the boys have to have them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ADDICTED TO LIMBURG CHEESE. + </h2> + <p> + During the investigation of Chief Kennedy one witness testified to + something that ought to make it hot for the chief. When men stoop to do + the things that Mr. Chapin testified to, an outraged public sentiment has + got to step in. Mr. Chapin testified—and he is a man whose word is + as good as our note—he said he met Kennedy in a street car, and his + breath smelled of limburg cheese. That is enough. Carry his remains out. + </p> + <p> + Any man who will appear in a public place, among folks, with his breath + smelling of limburg cheese, has got his opinion of us. It is simply + damnable. We can see how a man who likes limburg cheese is liable, though + he may have sworn off, to return to the mustard cup, and after the first + taste, fill his skin full of cheese, arguing that one may as well die for + an old sheep as a lamb. + </p> + <p> + It is a well known fact, agreed to by all scientists, that a single + mouthful' will tarnish an otherwise virtuous breath as much as a whole + cheese. One mouthful of cheese leads on to another, and we are prepared to + believe that if the chief smelled of cheese at all, he was full of it. + </p> + <p> + Men cannot be too careful of cheese. If a man feels that he is going to + commit the dastardly act of eating limburg cheese, he has time to go out + to a glue factory, or a slaughter house, or the house of correction, or + some other place whose offense is rank. + </p> + <p> + The desire to eat cheese does not come upon a man suddenly, like the + desire to take a drink, or stand off a creditor, and he is not taken + possession of by the demon of appetite and pulled to the nearest saloon by + a forty horse power devil, as is the man who has the jim jams. + </p> + <p> + The cheese does its work more quietly. It whispers to him about 11 o'clock + a. m., and says there is nothing like cheese. He stands it off, and again + in the afternoon the cheese takes possession of him and leads him on step + by step, by green fields, and yet he does not fall. But about 9 o'clock p. + m. the air seems full of cheese, and he smells it wherever he goes, and + finally, after resisting for ten hours, he goes and orders a cheese + sandwich. + </p> + <p> + Now, when the feeling first comes on, and he shuts his eyes and imagines + he sees limburg cheese, if the victim would go and buy a slice and go away + out in the country, by the fertilizer factory, he could eat his cheese and + no one but the workmen in the fertilizer factory could complain. That is + what ought to be done when a man is addicted to cheese. + </p> + <p> + But this chief of police has stood up in the face of public opinion, eaten + limburg cheese with brazen effrontery that would do credit to a lawyer, + and has gone into a public conveyance, breathing pestilence and cheese. + There is no law on our statute books that is adequate to punish a man who + will thus trample upon the usages of society. + </p> + <p> + However, the conviction of Kennedy of eating limburg cheese will be the + means of acquitting him of the other charge, that of conversing with a + lewd woman. We doubt if there is a lewd woman, though she be terribly + lewd, who would allow a man to come within several blocks of her who had + been eating that deceased cheese. + </p> + <p> + If we were in Kennedy's place we would admit the cheese, and then bring + ten thousand women to swear whether they would remain in the same room + with a man who had been eating that cheese. There are men who <i>do</i> + eat cheese, bad men, the wicked classes, who go into the presence of + females, but that is one thing which causes so many suicides among the + poor fallen girls. When we hear that another naughty but nice looking girl + has been filling her skin full of paregoric and is standing off a doctor + with a stomach pump, we instinctively feel as though some man with a smell + of cheese about his garments had been paying attention to her, and she had + become desperate. + </p> + <p> + If they discharge the chief on that cheese testimony it will be a lesson + to all men hereafter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TERRIBLE TIME ON THE CARS. + </h2> + <p> + There is something about the average Chicago young man that gives him + away, and gives away anybody that gets in with him. He is full of + practical jokes, and is a bad egg on general principles. + </p> + <p> + Last week Mr. Eppenetus Hoyt, of Fond du Lac, went to Chicago on a visit. + He is a pious gentleman, whose candor would carry conviction to the mind + of the seeker after righteousness, and his presence at the prayer meeting, + at the sociable or the horse-race, is an evidence that everything will be + conducted on the square. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hoyt knew a young man named Johnny Darling, who was attending Rush + Medical College, and through him was permitted to visit the + dissecting-room, and gaze upon the missionary work being done there. Mr. + Hoyt was introduced to a number of the wicked young men who were carving + the late lamented, and after he got accustomed to the climate he rather + enjoyed the performance. + </p> + <p> + Whether young Mr. Darling told the boys that Mr. Hoyt was “fresh” or not, + will, perhaps, never be known; but, as Mr. Hoyt passed around among the + slabs where they were at work, each made a contribution from the “stiff” + he was at work upon to Mr. Hoyt's coat pockets unbeknown to him. While one + was calling his attention to a limb that he was dissecting, another would + cut off an ear, or a finger, or a nose, or dig out an eye, and drop the + same into Mr. Hoyt's overcoat pockets. Finally, he bid the boys good-bye, + thanked them for their courtesies in showing him around, told them if they + ever came to Fond du Lac his pew in church was at their disposal, and he + skipped for the train and got on board. + </p> + <p> + The seats were all occupied, and a middle aged lady, with a slim face and + spectacles, and evidently an old maid, allowed him to sit beside her. The + car was warm, and it was not long before the “remains” began to be heard + from. He was talking to the lady about the “sweet by-and-by,” and the hope + of a glorious immortality beyond the grave, and of the inducements held + out by the good book to those who try to lead a different life here on + earth, when he smelled something. The lady had been smelling it for some + miles back, and she had got her eye on Mr. Hoyt, and had put her + handkerchief to her nose. He took a long breath and said to the lady: + </p> + <p> + “The air seems sort o' fixed here in this car, does it not?” and he looked + up at the transom. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said the lady, as she turned pale, and asked him to let her out of + the seat, “it is very much fixed, and I believe <i>that you are the man + that fixed it!</i>” and she took her satchel and went to the rear of the + car, where she glared at him as though he was a fat rendering + establishment. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hoyt devoted a few moments to silent prayer, and then his attention + was called to a new married couple, in the seat ahead of him. They had + been having their heads close together, when suddenly the bride said: + </p> + <p> + “Hennery, have you been drinking?” + </p> + <p> + He vowed by all that was great and glorious that he had not, when she told + him there was something about his breath that reminded her of strong + drink, or a packing-house. + </p> + <p> + He allowed that it was not him, but admitted that he had noticed there was + something wrong, though he didn't know but it was some of her teeth that + needed filling. + </p> + <p> + They were both mad at the insinuations of the other, and the bride leaned + on the window and cried, while the groom looked the other way, and acted + cross. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hoyt was very much annoyed at the smell. + </p> + <p> + The smell remained, and people all around him got up and went to the + forward end of the car, or to the rear, and there were a dozen empty seats + when the conductor came in, and lots of people standing up. The conductor + got one sniff, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Whoever has got that piece of limberger cheese in his pocket, will have + to go in the emigrant car!” + </p> + <p> + They all looked at Hoyt, and the conductor went up to him and asked him if + he didn't know any bettor than to be carrying around such cheese as that? + </p> + <p> + Hoyt said he hadn't got no cheese. + </p> + <p> + The conductor insisted that he had, and told him to turn his pockets wrong + side out. + </p> + <p> + Hoyt jabbed his hands into his pockets, and felt something cold and + clammy. He drew his hands out empty, turned pale, and said he didn't have + any cheese. + </p> + <p> + The conductor insisted on his feeling again, and he brought to the surface + a couple of human ears, a finger, and a thumb. + </p> + <p> + “What in the name of the Apostles have you got there?” says the conductor. + “Do you belong to any canning establishment that sends canned missionary + to the heathen cannibals?” + </p> + <p> + Hoyt told the conductor to come in the baggage car, and he would explain + all; and as he passed by the passengers, with both hands full of the + remains, the passengers were ready to lynch Hoyt. He told the conductor + where he had been, and the boys had played it on him, and the fingers and + things were thrown beside the track, where some one will find them and + think a murder has been committed. + </p> + <p> + Afterwards Hoyt went into the car and tried to apologize to the old maid, + but she said if he didn't go away from her she would scream. Hoyt would + always rather go away than have a woman scream. + </p> + <p> + He is trying to think of some way to get even with the boys of Rush + Medical College. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHANGED SATCHELS. + </h2> + <p> + There was one of those old fashioned mistakes occurred on the train from + Monroe to Janesville a week or so ago. A traveling man and a girl who was + going to Milton College sat in adjoining seats, and their satchels were + exactly alike, and the traveling man took the wrong satchel and got off at + Janesville, and the girl went on to Milton. + </p> + <p> + The drummer went down to Vankirk's grocery and put his satchel on the + counter, and asked Van how his liver was getting along, while he picked a + piece off a codfish and ate it, and then smelled of his fingers and said + “Whew!” Van said his liver was “not very torpid, thank you; how are you + fixed for tea?” The drummer said he wished he had as many dollars as he + was fixed for tea, and began to open his sample case. Van cut off a piece + of cheese and was eating it while he walked along towards the drummer. + </p> + <p> + When the case was opened the drummer fell over against a barrel of brooms, + and grasping a keg of maple syrup for support, turned pale and said he'd + be dashed. Van looked in the sample case, and said, “Fixed for tea! I + should think you was, but it wasn't that kind of tea I want.” + </p> + <p> + There was a long female night-shirt, clapboarded up in front with trimming + and starch, and buttoned from Genesis to Revelations. Van took a butter + tryer and lifted it out, and there was more than a peck measure full of + stuff that never belonged in no grocery. Van said: “If you are traveling + for a millinery house I will send a boy to direct you to a millinery + store.” + </p> + <p> + The drummer wiped the perspiration from his face with a coffee sack and + told Van he would give him a million dollars if he never would let the + house in Milwaukee know about it, and he chucked the things back in. “What + is this?” said Van, as he held up a pair of giddy looking affairs that no + drummer ever wore on his own person. “Don't ask <i>me</i>” says the + drummer, “I am not a married man.” + </p> + <p> + He took the satchel and went to Milton on the next train. The girl had + opened the satchel which fell to her in the division to show her room-mate + how to make a stitch in crochet, and when the brown sugar, coffee, tea, + rice, bottles of syrup, maccaroni and a pack of cards came in sight, she + fairly squealed. Along after dinner the drummer called and asked for an + exchange, and they exchanged, and it was hard to tell which blushed the + most. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE NAUGHTY BUT NICE CHURCH CHOIR. + </h2> + <p> + You may organize a church choir and think you have got it down fine, and + that every member of it is pious and full of true goodness, and in such a + moment as you think not you will find that one or more of them are full of + the old Harry, and it will break out when you least expect it. There is no + more beautiful sight to the student of nature than a church choir. To see + the members sitting together, demure, devoted and pious looking, you think + that there is never a thought enters their mind that is not connected with + singing anthems, but sometimes you get left. + </p> + <p> + There is one church choir in Milwaukee that is about as near perfect as a + choir can be. It has been organized for a long time, and has never + quarreled, and the congregation swears by it. When the choir strikes a + devotional attitude it is enough to make an ordinary christian think of + the angel band above, only the male singers wear whiskers, and the females + wear fashionable clothes. + </p> + <p> + You would not think that this choir played tricks on each other during the + sermon, but sometimes they do. The choir is furnished with the numbers of + the hymns that are to be sung, by the minister, and they put a book mark + in the book at the proper place. One morning they all got up to sing, when + the soprano turned pale as an ace of spades dropped out of her hymn book, + the alto nearly fainted when a queen of hearts dropped at her feet, and + the rest of the pack was distributed around in the other books. They laid + it onto the tenor, but he swore, while the minister was preaching, that he + didn't know one card from another. + </p> + <p> + One morning last summer, after the tenor had been playing tricks all + Spring on the rest of the choir, the soprano brought a chunk of + shoemaker's wax to church. The tenor was arrayed like Solomon, in all his + glory, with white pants, and a Seymour coat. The tenor got up to see who + the girl was who came in with the old lady, and while he was up the + soprano put the shoemakers' wax on the chair, and the tenor sat down on + it. They all saw it, and they waited for the result. It was an awful long + prayer, and the church was hot, the tenor was no iceberg himself, and + shoemakers' wax melts at ninety-eight degrees Fahrenheit. + </p> + <p> + The minister finally got to the amen, and read a hymn, the choir coughed + and all rose up. The chair that the tenor was in stuck to him like a + brother, and came right along and nearly broke his suspenders. It was the + tenor to bat, and as the great organ struck up he pushed the chair off of + his person, looked around to see if he had saved his pants, and began to + sing, and the rest of the choir came near bursting. The tenor was called + out on three strikes by the umpire, and the alto had to sail in, and while + she was singing the tenor began to feel of first base to see what was the + matter. When he got his hand on the shoemaker's warm wax his heart smote + him, and he looked daggers at the soprano, but she put on a pious look and + got her mouth ready to sing “Hold the Fort.” + </p> + <p> + Well, the tenor sat down on a white handkerchief before he went home, and + he got home without anybody seeing him, and he has been, as the old saying + is, “laying” for the soprano ever since to get even. + </p> + <p> + It is customary in all first-class choirs for the male singers to furnish + candy for the lady singers, and the other day the tenor went to a candy + factory and had a peppermint lozenger made with about half a teaspoonful + of cayenne pepper in the centre of it. On Christmas he took his lozenger + to church and concluded to get even with the soprano if he died for it. + </p> + <p> + Candy had been passed around, and just before the hymn was given out in + which the soprano was to sing a solo, “Nearer My God to Thee,” the wicked + wretch gave her the loaded lozenger. She put it in her mouth and nibbed + off the edges, and was rolling it as a sweet morsel under her tongue, when + the organ struck up and they all arose. While the choir was skirmishing on + the first part of the verse and getting scored up for the solo, she chewed + what was left of the candy and swallowed it. + </p> + <p> + Well, if a democratic torch-light procession had marched unbidden down her + throat she couldn't have been any more astonished. She leaned over to pick + up her handkerchief and spit the candy out, but there was enough pepper + left around the selvage of her mouth to have pickled a peck of chow-chow. + </p> + <p> + It was her turn to sing, and as she rose and took the book, her eyes + filled with tears, her voice trembled, her face was as red as a spanked + lobster, and the way she sung that old hymn was a caution. With a sweet + tremulo she sung, “A Charge to Keep I Have,” and the congregation was + almost melted to tears. + </p> + <p> + As she stopped, while the organist got in a little work, she turned her + head, opened her mouth and blew out her breath with a “whoosh,” to cool + her mouth. The audience saw her wipe a tear away, but did not hear the + sound of her voice as she “whooshed.” She wiped out some of the pepper + with her handkerchief and sang the other verses with a good deal of + fervor, and the choir sat down, all of the members looking at the soprano. + </p> + <p> + She called for water. The noble tenor went and got it for her, and after + she had drank a couple of quarts, she whispered to him: “Young man, I will + get even with you for that peppermint candy if I have to live a thousand + years, and don't you forget it,” and then they all sat down and looked + pious, while the minister preached a most beautiful sermon on “Faith.” We + expect that tenor will be blowed through the roof some Sunday morning, and + the congregation will wonder what he is in such a hurry for. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SENSE IN LITTLE BUGS. + </h2> + <p> + There is a cockroach that makes his home on our desk that has got more + sense than a delinquent subscriber. He—if it is a he one; we are not + clear as to that—comes out and sits on the side, of the paste-dish, + and draws in a long breath. If the paste is fresh he eats it, and wiggles + his polonaise as much as to thank us, and goes away refreshed. If the + paste is sour, and smells bad, he looks at us with a mournful expression, + and goes away looking as though it was a mighty mean trick to play on a + cockroach, and he runs about as though he was offended. When a package of + wedding cake is placed on the desk he is the first one to find it out, and + he sits and waits till we cut the string, when he goes into it and walks + all over the cake till he strikes the bridal cake, when he gets onto it, + stands on his head and seems to say, “Yum, yum,” and is tickled as a girl + with a fresh beau. + </p> + <p> + There is human nature in a cockroach. When a man comes in and sits around + with no business, on our busy day, and asks questions, and stays and keeps + us from working, the cockroach will come out and sit on the inkstand and + look across at the visitor as much as to say: + </p> + <p> + “Why don't you go away about your business and leave the poor man alone, + so he can get out some copy, and not keep us all standing around here + doing nothing?” + </p> + <p> + But when the paper is out, and there is a look of cheerfulness about the + place, and we are anxious to have friends call, the cockroach flies around + over the papers and welcomes each caller as pleasantly as he can, and + seems to enjoy it. + </p> + <p> + One day the paste smelled pretty bad, and we poured about a spoonful of + whisky in it, and stirred it up. The cockroach came out to breakfast, and + we never saw a person that seemed to enjoy the meal any more than the + cockroach did. It seemed as though he couldn't get enough paste. Pretty + soon he put one hand to his head and looked crosseyed. He tried to climb + down off the paste-dish, and fell over himself and turned a flip-flap on + the blotting paper. Then he looked at us in a sort of mysterious way, + winked one eye as much as to say: “You think you are smart, don't you, old + baldy?” + </p> + <p> + Then he put one hand to his forehead as if in meditation, and staggered + off into a drawer, coming out presently with his arm around another + cockroach, and he took him to the paste-pot, and <i>he</i> filled up, too, + and then they locked arms and paraded up and down on the green cloth of + the desk, as though singing, “We won't go home till morning,” and they + kicked over the steel pens, and acted a good deal like politicians after a + caucus. + </p> + <p> + Finally, some remark was made by one of them that didn't suit, and they + pitched in and had the worst fight that ever was, after which one rushed + off as if after a policeman, and the other, staggered into his hole, and + we saw no more of our cockroach till the next morning, when he came out + with one hand on his head and the other on his stomach, and after smelling + of the paste and looking sick, he walked off to a bottle of seltzer water + and crawled up to the cork and looked around with an expression so human + that we uncorked the bottle and let him in, and he drank as though he had + been eating codfish. Since that day he looks at us a little suspicious, + and when the paste smells a little peculiar he goes and gets another + cockroach to eat some of it first, and he watches the effect. + </p> + <p> + Now, you wouldn't believe it, but that cockroach can tell, the minute he + sees a man, whether the man has come in with a bill, or has come in to pay + money. We don't know how he does it, but when a man has a bill the + cockroach begins to look solemn and mournful, and puts his hands to his + eyes as though weeping. If a man comes in to pay money, the cockroach + looks glad, a smile plays around his mouth, and he acts kitteny. He acts + the most human when ladies come into the office. If a book agent comes in, + he makes no attempt to show his disgust. + </p> + <p> + One day an old person came in with a life of Garfield and laid it on the + table, opened to the picture of the candidate, and left it. The cockroach + walked through the violet ink and got his feet all covered, and then he + walked all over that book, and left his mark. The woman saw the tracks, + and thought we had signed our name, and she said she was sorry we had + written our signature there, because she had another book for subscribers' + names. + </p> + <p> + When a handsome lady comes in, the cockroach is in his element, and there + is a good deal of proud flesh about him. He puts his thumbs in the + arm-holes of his vest and walks around. + </p> + <p> + One day we put our face up to a deaf young lady to speak to her, and the + cockroach looked straight the other way, and seemed to be looking over an + old copy of the <i>Christian Statesman</i>; but when he found we only + yelled at the lady, he winked as much as to say: + </p> + <p> + “Well, how did I know?” + </p> + <p> + O, that cockroach is a thoroughbred! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SUMMER RESORTING. + </h2> + <p> + The other day a business man who has one of the nicest houses in the + nicest ward in the city, and who has horses and carriages in plenty, and + who usually looks as clean as though just out of a band box and as happy + as a schoolma'am at a vacation picnic, got on a street car near the depot, + a picture of a total wreck. He had on a long linen duster, the collar + tucked down under the neck band of his shirt, which had no collar on, his + cuffs were sticking out of his coat pocket, his eyes looked heavy, and + where the dirt had come off with the perspiration he looked pale, and he + was cross as a bear. + </p> + <p> + A friend who was on the car, on the way up town, after a day's work, with + a clean shirt on, a white vest and a general look of coolness, accosted + the traveler as follows: + </p> + <p> + “Been summer resorting, I hear?” + </p> + <p> + The dirty-looking man crossed his legs with a painful effort, as though + his drawers stuck to his legs and almost peeled the bark off, and + answered: + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I have been out two weeks. I have struck ten different hotels, and + if you ever hear of my leaving town again during the hot weather, you can + take my head for a soft thing,” and he wiped a cinder out of his eye with + what was once a clean handkerchief. + </p> + <p> + “Had a good, cool time, I suppose, and enjoyed yourself,” said the man who + had not been out of town. + </p> + <p> + “Cool time, hell,” said the man, who has a pew in two churches, as he + kicked his limp satchel of dirty clothes under the car seat. “I had rather + been sentenced to the house of correction for a month.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, what's the trouble?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, there is no trouble, for people who like that kind of fun, but this + lets me out. I do not blame people who live in Southern States for coming + North, because they enjoy things as a luxury that we who live in Wisconsin + have as a regular diet, but for a Chicago or Milwaukee man to go into the + country to swelter and be kept awake nights is bald lunacy. Why, since I + have been out I have slept in a room a size smaller than the closet my + wife keeps her linen in, with one window that brought in air from a + laundry, and I slept on a cot that shut up like a jack-knife and always + caught me in the hinge where it hurt. + </p> + <p> + “At another hotel I had a broken-handled pitcher of water that had been + used to rinse clothes in, and I can show you the indigo on my neck. I had + a piece of soap that smelled like a tannery, and if the towel was not a + recent damp diaper then I have never raised six children. + </p> + <p> + “At one hotel I was the first man at the table, and two families came in + and were waited on before the Senegambian would look at me, and after an + hour and thirty minutes I got a chance to order some roast beef and baked + potatoes, but the perspiring, thick-headed pirate brought me some boiled + mutton and potatoes that looked as though they had been put in a wash-tub + and mashed by treading on them barefooted. I paid twenty-five cents for a + lemonade made of water and vinegar, with a piece of something on top that + might be lemon peel, and it might be pumpkin rind. + </p> + <p> + “The only night's rest I got was one night when I slept in a car seat. At + the hotel the regular guests were kept awake till 12 o'clock by number six + headed boys and girls dancing until midnight to the music of a + professional piano boxer, and then for two hours the young folks sat on + the stair? and yelled and laughed, and after that the girls went to bed + and talked two hours more, while the boys went and got drunk and sang + 'Allegezan and Kalamazoo.' + </p> + <p> + “Why, at one place I was woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning by what I + thought was a chariot race in the hall outside, but it was only a lot of + young bloods rolling ten pins down by the rooms, using empty wine bottles + for pins and China cuspidores for balls. I would have gone out and shot + enough drunken galoots for a mess, only I was afraid a cuspidore would + carom on my jaw. Talk about rest, I would rather go to a boiler factory. + </p> + <p> + “Say, I don't know as you would believe it, but at one place I sent some + shirts and things to be washed, and they sent to my room a lot of female + underclothes, and when I kicked about it to the landlord he said I would + have to wear them, as they had no time to rectify mistakes. He said the + season was short and they had to get in their work, and he charged me + Fifth Avenue Hotel prices with a face that was child-like and bland, when + he knew I had been wiping on diapers for two days in place of towels. + </p> + <p> + “But I must get off here and see if I can find water enough to bathe all + over. I will see you down town after I bury these clothes.” + </p> + <p> + And the sticky, cross man got off swearing at summer hotels and pirates. + We don't see where he could have been traveling. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GOSPEL CAR. + </h2> + <p> + Because there are cars for the luxurious, and smoking cars for those who + delight in tobacco, some of the religious people of Connecticut are + petitioning the railway companies to fit up “Gospel cars.” Instead of the + card tables they want an organ and piano, they want the seats arranged + facing the centre of the car, so they can have a full view of whoever may + conduct the services; instead of spittoons they will have a carpet, and + instead of cards they want Bibles and Gospel song-books.—<i>Chicago + News</i>. + </p> + <p> + There is an idea for you. Let some railroad company fit up a Gospel car + according to the above prescription, and run it, and the porter on that + car would be the most lonesome individual on the train. The Gospel hymn + books would in a year appear as new as do now the Bibles that are put up + in all cars. Of the millions of people who ride in the trains, many of + them pious Christians, who has ever seen a man or woman take a Bible off + the iron rack and read it a single minute? And yet you can often see + ministers and other professing Christians in the smoking car, puffing a + cigar and reading a daily paper. + </p> + <p> + Why, it is all they can do to get a congregation in a church on Sunday; + and does any one suppose that when men and women are traveling for + business or pleasure—and they do not travel for anything else—that + they are going into a “Gospel car” to listen to some sky pirate who has + been picked up for the purpose, talk about the prospects of landing the + cargo in heaven? + </p> + <p> + Not much! + </p> + <p> + The women are too much engaged looking after their baggage, and keeping + the cinders out of their eyes, and keeping the children's heads out of the + window, and keeping their fingers from being jammed, to look out for their + immortal souls. And the men are too much absorbed in the object of their + trip to listen to gospel truths. They are thinking about whether they will + be able to get a room at the hotel, or whether they will have to sleep on + a cot. + </p> + <p> + Nobody can sing gospel songs on a car, with their throats full of cinders, + and their eyes full of dust, and the chances are if anybody should strike + up, “A charge to keep I have,” some pious sinner who was trying to take a + nap in the corner of the gospel car would say: + </p> + <p> + “O, go and hire a hall!” + </p> + <p> + It would be necessary to make an extra charge of half a dollar to those + who occupied the gospel car, the same as is charged on the parlor car, and + you wouldn't get two persons on an average train full that would put up a + nickel. + </p> + <p> + Why, we know a Wisconsin Christian, worth a million dollars, who, when he + comes up from Chicago to the place where he lives, hangs up his overcoat + in the parlor car, and then goes into the forward car and rides till the + whistle blows for his town, when he goes in and gets his coat and never + says thirty-five cents to the conductor, or ten cents to the porter. Do + you think a gospel car would catch him for half a dollar? He would see you + in Hades first. + </p> + <p> + The best way is to take a little eighteen carat religion along into the + smoking car, or any other car you may happen to be in. + </p> + <p> + A man—as we understand religion from those who have had it—does + not have to howl to the accompaniment of an asthmatic organ, pumped by a + female with a cinder in her eye and smut on her nose, in order to enjoy + religion, and he does not have to be in the exclusive company of other + pious people to get the worth of his money. There is a great deal of + religion in sitting in a smoking car, smoking dog-leg tobacco in a + briar-wood pipe, and seeing happy faces in the smoke that curls up—faces + of those you have made happy by kind words, good deeds, or half a dollar + put where it will drive away hunger, instead of paying it out for a + reserved seat in a gospel car. Take the half dollar you would pay for a + seat in a gospel car and go into the smoker, and find some poor emigrant + that is going west to grow up with the country, after having been beaten + out of his money at Castle Garden, and give it to him, and see if the look + of thankfulness and joy does not make you feel better than to listen to a + discussion in the gospel car, as to whether the children of Israel went + through the Red Sea with life-preservers, or wore rubber hunting boots. + </p> + <p> + Take your gospel-car half dollar and buy a vegetable ivory rattle of the + train boy, and give it to the sick emigrant mother's pale baby, and you + make four persons happy—the baby, the mother, the train boy and + yourself. + </p> + <p> + We know a man who gave a dollar to a prisoner on the way to State prison, + to buy tobacco with, who has enjoyed more good square religion over it + than he could get out of all the chin music and saw-filing singing he + could hear in a gospel car in ten years. The prisoner was a bad man from + Oshkosh, who was in a caboose in charge of the sheriff, on the way to + Waupun. The attention of the citizen was called to the prisoner by his + repulsive appearance, and his general don't-care-a-damative appearance. + The citizen asked the prisoner how he was fixed for money to buy tobacco + in prison. He said he hadn't a cent, and he knew it would be the worst + punishment he could have to go without tobacco. The citizen gave him the + dollar and said: + </p> + <p> + “Now, every time you take a chew of tobacco in prison, just make up your + mind to be square when you get out.” + </p> + <p> + The prisoner reached out his hand-cuffed hands to take the dollar, the + hands trembling so that the chains rattled, and a great tear as big as a + shirt-button appeared in one eye—the other eye had been gouged out + while “having some fun with the boys” at Oshkosh—and his lips + trembled as he said: + </p> + <p> + “So help me God, I will!” + </p> + <p> + That man has been boss of a gang of hands in the pinery for two winters, + and has a farm paid for on the Central Railroad, and is “squar.” + </p> + <p> + That is the kind of practical religion a worldly man can occasionally + practice without having a gospel car. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + INCIDENTS AT THE NEWHALL HOUSE FIRE. + </h2> + <p> + There were a great many ludicrous scenes about the Newhall House during + the fire of last Saturday morning. When people were notified that there + was a fire in the house, but that the danger was not great, though it was + thought best to give them all plenty of time to prepare for the worst, + many jumped right out of bed and started down stairs. + </p> + <p> + When we arrived on the scene, our first inquiry was for the safety of the + lady members of the Rice Surprise Party, the young women who had been + cutting up on the stage all the week with so little apparel. We did not + expect to find them in a greater state of barefootedness than they were + when we saw them last, but in some instances they were. + </p> + <p> + We were kindly yet firmly informed by Mr. Rankin that the ladies had been + rescued. It seemed that everybody wanted to save the girls. Mr. Rankin + knew this, and knew that if the young and thoughtless gentlemen were + allowed to rescue the girls it would cause remark. He said he was an old + line democrat, and that his days of kittenhood were over, and that it was + proper that he should superintend the removal of the girls. + </p> + <p> + Mr. McKittrick, the conductor, argued the matter with him. He said he had + been running a train a good many years, and had seen all phases of + humanity, and that he was inured to a life of hardship, and had seen many + sad sights, in the sleeping cars, and he insisted that he be allowed to + superintend the removal of the girls. + </p> + <p> + The discussion became warm, and finally they compromised by agreeing that + McKittrick should rush into the rooms and drag them out of the fire and + smoke and hand them to Mr. Rankin at the foot of the first pair of stairs, + who would dispose of them in safety. They both agreed that the first + outside vandal who laid a hand on them should die. + </p> + <p> + The first trouble they had was with Prof. Haskins. + </p> + <p> + He came out of his room with nothing on but his glasses, an ascension robe + and one boot. He rushed through the hall, and while in front of the room + of the girl who wore the black tights with the crochet work on the limbs + he ventured a joke. He is the telegraph manager and he said, “There is a + line down here,” as a two inch stream struck him about the alleged pistol + pocket. The girl, who was tying her wardrobe up in a napkin, heard him and + said, “There is no <i>lying down</i> here, not much.” Prof. Haskins was + shocked that any female should thus mistake him for a democrat, and + falling over a zinc trunk head first, he went back to his room to send his + son Harry out to help. + </p> + <p> + Mr. McKittrick rushed into a room and grabbed a corset in his arms and + handed it down stairs to Rankin There is no person who can fool Rankin. He + didn't want to be rescued. + </p> + <p> + Just at this point a girl with a waterproof on came along the hall and Mr. + Cole asked her if she didn't want to be rescued. She said she had been + carried down stairs six times already by a big granger, and she would + shoot the next man that attempted to rescue ner. She said there was no + danger, and wanted to know why the big galoots did not go and help put the + fire out. + </p> + <p> + On inquiry it was found that the girl had been carried down stairs six + times and left on the sidewalk. She described the man who carried her out, + and said he was excited, and no sooner would she get up stairs than he + would grab her and carry her down again, until she was almost froze. He + told her the last time that he had saved six girls from a fiery grave. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0041" id="link2H_4_0041"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE WAY WOMEN BOSS A PILLOW. + </h2> + <p> + Among the recent inventions is a pillow holder. It is explained that the + pillow holder is for the purpose of holding a pillow while the case is + being put on. We trust this new invention will not come into general use, + as there is no sight more beautiful to the eyes of man than to see a woman + hold a pillow in her teeth while she gently manipulates the pillow case + over it. + </p> + <p> + We do not say that a woman is beautiful with her mouth full of pillows. No + one can ever accuse us of saying that, but there is something home-like + and old-fashioned about it that can not be replaced by any invention. + </p> + <p> + We know that certain over-fastidious women have long clamored for some new + method of putting on a pillow case, but these people have either lost + their teeth, or the new ones do not grasp the situation. They have tried + several new methods, such as blowing the pillow case up, and trying to get + the pillow in before the wind got out, and they have tried to get the + pillow in by rolling up the pillow case until the bottom is reached, and + then placing 'the pillow on end and gently unrolling the pillow case, but + all these schemes have their drawbacks. + </p> + <p> + The old style of chewing one end of the pillow, and holding it the way a + retriever dog holds a duck, till the pillow case is on, and then spanking + the pillow a couple of times on each side, is the best, and it gives the + woman's jaws about the only rest they get during the day. + </p> + <p> + If any invention drives this old custom away from us, and we no more see + the matrons of our land with their hair full of feathers and their mouths + full of striped bed-ticking, we shall feel that one of the dearest of our + institutions has been ruthlessly torn from us, and the fabric of our + national supremacy has received a sad blow, and that our liberties are in + danger. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DEADLY PAPER BAG + </h2> + <p> + There is a woman on the West Side who has learned a lesson that will last + her a lifetime. She has been for years wearing these paper bags, such as + the green grocers use, for bustles. The paper is stiff, and sticks out + splendid, and makes the dress look well. Last Sunday morning while she was + dressing, her young son got in the room and blew the paper bag full of + wind and tied a string around the mouth of it, and left it in a chair. The + good lady took it and tied it on and dressed herself for church. She + bribed her husband to go to church with her, though he is a sort of Bob + Ingersoll christian. + </p> + <p> + As they went down the aisle the minister was reading a hymn about + “Sounding the Loud Hosan-na,” and the lady went into the pew first, and + sat down while her husband was putting his hat on the floor. There was a + report like distant thunder. You have heard how those confounded paper + bags explode when boys blow them up, and crush them between their hands. + </p> + <p> + Well, it was worse than that, and everybody looked at the innocent + husband, who was standing there a perfect picture of astonishment. He + looked at his wife as much as to say: “Now, this is the last time you will + catch me in church, if you are going to play any of your tricks on me. You + think you can scare me into getting religion?” + </p> + <p> + The minister stopped reading the hymn and looked over his spectacles at + the new comers as though it would not surprise him if that bad man should + blow the church up. The poor lady blushed and looked around as much as to + say, “I did not know it was loaded,” and she looked the hymn book through + for the hymn, and as the choir rose to sing she offered one side of the + book to her husband, but he looked mad and pious, and stood at the other + end of the pew and looked out of the stained glass window. + </p> + <p> + After the service they started home together, and as they turned the first + corner he said to his wife, “Well, you played hell on your watch, didn't + you?” She told him there was no such thing as hell in the Bible now, but + that she would make that boy think there had been no revision of the Bible + that left hell out, when she got home. We only get the story from the + husband. + </p> + <p> + He said he didn't know what it was that made the noise until they got + home, and after a little skirmishing around his wife held up a bursted + paper bag, and asked the boy if he blew that bag up. He said he did, but + he did not know there was anything wrong about it. The boy and his mother + and a press board paid a visit to the back kitchen, and there was a sound + of revelry. Boys will be boys. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE VIRGINIA DUEL. + </h2> + <p> + The proposed duel between Senator Mahone and Jubal Early did not come off, + for reasons that have not been made public. It is well known that Mahone + is the thinnest man in Virginia. We do not allude to his politics, or his + ability, in speaking of his being thin, but to his frame. He does not make + a shadow. He could hide behind a wire fence. Gen. Early, after challenging + Mahone, went to practicing at a piece of white wire clothes line, hung to + the limb of a tree, but he could not hit it, and he felt that all the + advantage would be on Mr. Mahone's side, so he asked Mahone to do the only + thing in his power that would make the thing even, and that was to eat a + quantity of dried apples the day before the duel, in order to swell his + stomach out so that a gentleman could stand some show of hitting him. + </p> + <p> + Gen. Early pledged himself, on the honor of a Virginia gentleman, that he + would not shoot at Mahone's stomach, but would aim at it, and then make a + line shot either above or below. + </p> + <p> + Mahone replied that, while he appreciated the advantage he had over his + opponent, and was willing to do anything reasonable to make the thing + even, he could not consistently eat dried apples, as they would certainly + kill him. He was willing to take his chances on the bullets of his + opponent, because statistics showed that dueling was the most healthy + business a man could engage in; and he pointed to the number of duellists + that were now living at a ripe old age, who had fought hundreds of duels + and never received a scratch or scratched an opponent, but on the other + hand he could produce proof to show that many people had been injured, if + not killed, by an over-indulgence in dried apples. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Mahone said he thought it was late in the day for him to produce any + proof as to his own bravery, but in the face of the fact that he would be + pointed at as one who had not sand, he should have to decline to eat dried + apples in order to make himself a target. + </p> + <p> + Gen. Early said he appreciated the delicacy of his honorable and + high-toned opponent, and respected his feelings, and would not insist on + the dried apple act, but that he would go into training to reduce himself + in flesh to the size of Mahone, and hoped that the affair might be + declared off until he could diet himself. He said he should at once begin + a course of treatment to reduce his flesh, by boarding at a summer resort + hotel that he had heard of, where the desired effect might be produced. + </p> + <p> + So the duel is postponed for the present. Both Mahone and Early are + high-toned gentlemen, and they will do nothing rash. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DIFFERENCE. + </h2> + <p> + One of the great female writers on dress reform, in trying to illustrate + how terrible the female dress is, says: + </p> + <p> + “Take a man and pin three or four table-cloths about him, fastened back + with elastic and looped up with ribbons, draw all his hair to the middle + of his head and tie it tight, and hairpin on five pounds of other hair and + a big bow of ribbon. Keep the front locks on pins all night, and let them + tickle his eyes all day, pinch his waist into a corset, and give him + gloves a size too small and shoes the same, and a hat that will not stay + on without torturing elastic, and a little lace veil to blind his eyes + whenever he goes out to walk, and he will know what a woman's dress is.” + </p> + <p> + Now you think you have done it, don't you, sis? Why, bless you, that + toggery would be heaven compared to what a man has to contend with. Take a + woman and put a pair of men's four-shilling drawers on her that are so + tight that when they get damp, from perspiration, sis; they stick so you + can't cross your legs without an abrasion of the skin, the buckle in the + back turning a somersault and sticking its points into your spinal + menengitis; put on an undershirt that draws across the chest so you feel + as though you must cut a hole in it, or two, and which is so short that it + works up under your arms, and allows the starched upper shirt to sand + paper around and file off the skin until you wish it was night, the tail + of which will not stay tucked more than half a block, though you tuck, and + tuck, and tuck; and then fasten a collar made of sheet zinc, two sizes too + small for you, around your neck; put on vest and coat, and liver pad and + lung pad and stomach pad, and a porous plaster, and a chemise shirt + between the two others, and rub on some liniment, and put a bunch of keys + and a jack-knife and a button-hook and a pocket-book and a pistol and a + plug of tobacco in your pockets, so they will chafe your person, and then + go and drink a few whisky cocktails, and walk around in the sun with tight + boots on, sis, and then you will know what a man's dress is. + </p> + <p> + Come to figure it up, it is about an even thing, sis,—isn't it? + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SPURIOUS TRIPE. + </h2> + <p> + Another thing that is being largely counterfeited is tripe. Parties who + buy tripe cannot be too careful. There is a manufactory that can make + tripe so natural that no person on earth can detect the deception. They + take a large sheet of rubber about a sixteenth of an inch thick for a + background, and by a process only known to themselves veneer it with a + Turkish towel, and put it in brine to soak. The unsuspecting + boarding-house keeper, or restaurant man, buys it and cooks it, and the + boarder or transient guest calls for tripe. A piece is cut off the + damnable tripe with a pair of shears used in a tin shop for cutting sheet + iron, and it is handed to the victim. He tries to cut it, and fails; he + tries to gnaw it off, and if he succeeds in getting a mouthful, that + settles him. He leaves his tripe on his plate, and it is gathered up and + sewed on the original piece, and is kept for another banquet. + </p> + <p> + The tripe is expensive, owing to the royalty that has to be paid to the + rubber company, and often the boarder succeeds in eating off some of the + towel, so it has to be veneered over again; but take it the year round, + and the tripe pays its way in a boarding-house. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0046" id="link2H_4_0046"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A CASE OF PARALYSIS. + </h2> + <p> + About as mean a trick as we ever heard of was perpetrated by a doctor at + Hudson last Sunday. The victim was a justice of the peace named Evans. Mr. + Evans is a man who has the alfiredest biggest feet east of St. Paul, and + when he gets a new pair of shoes it is an event that has its effect on the + leather market. + </p> + <p> + Last winter he advertised for sealed proposals to erect a pair of shoes + for him, and when the bids were opened it was found that a local architect + in leather had secured the contract, and after mortgaging his house to a + Milwaukee tannery, and borrowing some money on his diamonds of his + “uncle,” John Comstock, who keeps a pawnbrokery there, he broke ground for + the shoes. + </p> + <p> + Owing to the snow blockade and the freshets, and the trouble to get hands + who would work on the dome, there were several delays, and Judge Evans was + at one time inclined to cancel the contract, and put some strings in box + cars and wear them in place of shoes, but sympathy for the contractor, who + had his little awl invested in the material and labor, induced him to put + up with the delay. + </p> + <p> + On Saturday the shoes were completed, all except laying the floor and + putting on a couple of bay windows for corns, and conservatories for + bunions, and the judge concluded to wear them on Sunday. He put them on, + but got the right one on the left foot, and the left one on the right + foot. As he walked down town the right foot was continually getting on the + left side, and he stumbled over himself, and he felt pains in his feet. + The judge was frightened in a minute. He is afraid of paralysis, all the + boys know it, and when he told a wicked republican named Spencer how his + feet felt, that degraded man told the judge that it was one of the surest + symptoms of paralysis in the world, and advised him to hunt a doctor. + </p> + <p> + The judge pranced off, interfering at every step, skinning his shins, and + found Dr. Hoyt. The doctor is one of the worst men in the world, and when + he saw how the shoes were put on he told the judge that his case was + hopeless unless something was done immediately. The judge turned pale, the + sweat poured out of him, and taking out his purse he gave the doctor five + dollars and asked him what he should do. The doctor felt his pulse, looked + at his tongue, listened at his heart, shook his head, and then told the + judge that he would be a dead man in less than sixty years if he didn't + change his shoes. + </p> + <p> + The judge looked down at the vast expanse of leather, both sections + pointing inwardly, and said, “Well, dam a fool,” and “changed cars” at the + junction. As he got them on the right feet, and hired a raftsman to tie + them up for him, he said he would get even with the doctor if he had to + catch the smallpox. O, we suppose they have more fun in some of these + country towns than you can shake a stick at. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MALE AND FEMALE MASHING. + </h2> + <p> + There has been a great deal of talk in the papers about arresting + “mashers,” that is, young men who stand on the corners and pulverize + women, and a great many good people got the idea that it was unsafe to + travel the streets. This is not the case. A woman might travel all day and + half the night and not be insulted. Of course, once in a great while, a + woman will be insulted by a man, the same as a man will be by a woman. + </p> + <p> + No woman, unless she throws out one eye, kind of cunning, is in danger of + having a male man throw out his other eye the same way. There has got to + be two parties to a mashing match, and one must be a woman. Too many women + act sort of queer just for fun, and the poor male man gets to acting + improper before he realizes the enormity of the crime, and then it is + everlastingly too late. + </p> + <p> + But a female masher, one who is thoroughly bad, like the male loafers that + have been driven from the corners, is a terror. She will insult a + respectable man and laugh at his blushes. One of them was arrested the + other day for playing her act on a policeman who was disguised as a + respectable granger from Stevens Point. These female mashers are a + tornado. + </p> + <p> + Why, one of them met a respectable church member the other night, and + asked him how his liver complaint was. He was a man who had been troubled + with the liver complaint, and supposing she was some acquaintance, he + stopped on the corner and talked with the pullet for about ten minutes, + explaining to her the course of treatment he had used to cure him, and + dozens of people passing by that knew him, and knew that she was clear + off. + </p> + <p> + Finally she asked him if he wouldn't take her to a restaurant and buy her + a spring chicken and a small bottle. He told her if she would come up to + his house she should have a hen, and there were lots of bottles, both + large and small, that she was welcome to. She told him to go to Hades, and + he went in a drug store and asked a clerk who that lady was he had been + talking with, and when the clerk, who knew her, told him she was a road + agent, a street walker, a female masher, the old man had to sit down on a + box of drugs and fan himself with his hat. + </p> + <p> + We mention this to show that ladies are not the only portion of the + population that is liable to be accosted and insulted. The other night a + respectable merchant was going to the opera with a friend from the + country, when a couple of sirens met them and one said to the other, “Look + at his nibs,” and she locked arms with him and asked him if he was not her + own darling. He said his name was not “Nibs,” and he would have to look at + his memorandum book before he could tell whether he was her darling or + not, but from the smell of gin about her person he would blush to + extemporize. + </p> + <p> + We do not give his exact language, but in the heat of debate he shook her + and told her if she ever clawed on him again he would everlastingly go and + tell her parents. And while he was talking with her the other one had + seated herself beside his country friend on a salt barrel in front of a + grocery and was feeling in his vest pocket to see if he had any cloves. + </p> + <p> + A female masher is much worse than a male masher as you can imagine. Who + ever heard of a male masher feeling in an unprotected female's vest pocket + for cloves? O, the men are simply unprotected, and at the mercy of wicked, + designing women, and the police ought to protect them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE USES OF THE PAPER BAG. + </h2> + <p> + A First Ward man was told by his wife to bring home a quart of oysters on + New Year's night, to fry for supper. He drank a few prescriptions of egg + nog, and then took a paper bag full of selects and started for home. He + stopped at two or three saloons, and the bag began to melt, and when he + left the last saloon the bottom fell out of the bag and the oysters were + on the sidewalk. + </p> + <p> + We will leave the man there, gazing upon the wreck, and take the reader to + the residence where he is expected. + </p> + <p> + A red-faced woman is putting the finishing touches to the supper table, + and wondering why her husband does not come with the oysters. Presently a + noise as of a lead pencil in the key-hole salutes her ear, and she goes to + the door and opens it, and finds him taking the pencil out of the + key-hole. Not seeing any oysters, she asks him if he has forgotten the + oysters. + </p> + <p> + “Forgot noth(hic)ing,” says he. + </p> + <p> + He walks up to the table and asks for a plate, which is given him by the + unsuspicious wife. + </p> + <p> + “Damsaccident you ever(hic)see,” said the truly good man, as he brought + his hand out of his overcoat pocket, with four oysters, a little smoking + tobacco, and a piece of cigar-stub. + </p> + <p> + “Slipperysoystersev (hic)er was,” said he, as he run his hands down in the + other pocket, bringing up five oysters, a piece of envelope, and a piece + of wire that was used as a bail to the pail. + </p> + <p> + “Got all my pock(hic)ets full,” said he, as he took a large oyster out of + his vest pocket. Then he began to go down in his pants pocket, and finding + a hole in it, he said: + </p> + <p> + “Six big oys(hic)ters gone down my trousers leg. S'posi'll find them in my + boot,” and he sat down to pull off his boot, when the lady took the plate + of oysters and other stuff into the kitchen and threw them in the swill, + and then she put him to bed, and all the time he was trying to tell her + how the bag busted just as he was in front of All Saints Ca(hic)thedral. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Three distinct charges of heresy will be made against Rev. Dr. Thomas, of + Chicago, at the trial next month. The amount of heresy that is going on in + this country, and particularly among ministers, is truly alarming. The + names of his partners in guilt are not mentioned, probably out of respect + for their families. A minister that goes around practicing heresy ought to + be watched, and when caught at it he should be bounced. There is no excuse + for <i>heresy</i>, though a minister will occasionally meet a mighty + attractive <i>her</i>, but he should say: “Git thee foreninst me, Susan, + and when I have a convenient season I will send the police after thee.” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + There should be an amendment to the constitution of the United States + making it lawful for an ex-President to walk on grass. We have no great + admiration for Hayes, but when we read that at Cleveland he was ordered + off the grass by a thirteen dollar a month soldier, and had to shin + it-over a fence real spry to save the shoulder of his pants from assault + by a cheap bayonet, it makes us feel ashamed, and we blush for America. + The spectacle of a man who has occupied the White House, and been the + chief attraction of county fairs, being compelled to put his stomach on a + fence, and flop over, heels over appetite, like a boy playing tag, to keep + from being jabbed in a vital part, makes us sick. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE NEW COAL STOVE. + </h2> + <p> + We never had a coal stove around the house until last Saturday. Have + always used pine slabs and pieces of our neighbor's fence. They burn well, + too, but the fence got all burned up, and the neighbor said he wouldn't + build a new one, so we went down to Jones' and got a coal stove. + </p> + <p> + You see, we didn't know anything about coal stoves. We filled the stove + about half full of pine fence, and, when the stuff got well to going, we + filled the artesian well on the top with coal. It simmered and sputtered + about five or ten minutes, and all went out, and we put on an overcoat and + a pair of buckskin mittens and “went out too”—to supper. We + remarked, in the course of the frugal meal, that Jones was a “froad” for + recommending such a confounded refrigerator to a man to get warm by. + </p> + <p> + After supper we took a piece of ice and rubbed our hands warm, and went in + where that stove was, resolved to make her draw and burn if it took all + the pine fence in the First Ward. Our better-half threw a quilt over her, + and shiveringly remarked that she never knew what real solid comfort was + until she got a coal stove. + </p> + <p> + Stung by the sarcasm in her remark, we turned every dingus on the stove + that was movable, or looked like it had anything to do with the draft, and + pretty soon the stove began to heave up heat. It was not long before she + stuttered like the new Silsby steamer. Talk about your heat! In ten + minutes that room was as much worse than a Turkish bath as Hades is hotter + than Liverman's ice-house. The perspiration fairly fried out of a tin + water cooler in the next room. We opened the doors, and snow began to melt + as far up Vine street as Hanscombe's house, and people all round the + neighborhood put on linen clothes. And we couldn't stop the confounded + thing. + </p> + <p> + We forgot what Jones told us about the dampers, and she kept a biling. The + only thing we could do was to go to bed, and leave the thing to burn the + house up if it wanted to. We stood off with a pole and turned the damper + every way, and at every turn she just sent out heat enough to roast an ox. + We went to bed, supposing that the coal would eventually burn out, but + about 12 o'clock the whole family had to get up and sit on the fence. + </p> + <p> + Finally a man came along who had been brought up among coal stoves, and he + put a wet blanket over him and crept up to the stove and turned the proper + dingus, and she cooled off, and since that time has been just as + comfortable as possible. If you buy a coal stove you want to learn how to + engineer it, or you may get roasted. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A COLD, CHEERLESS RIDE. + </h2> + <p> + Probably the most cold-blooded affair that ever occurred took place at a + certain summer resort a couple of weeks ago. There was going to be a + picnic, and a young man and the girl he was engaged to be married to + started in a row-boat to cross the lake, taking an ice cream freezer full + of frozen ice cream for the picnic. Just before arriving at the picnic the + boat capsized. The boat was bottom side up, and the young man helped the + girl on to the ice cream freezer, and he got on the boat, and after + floating for half an hour they were rescued. + </p> + <p> + The girl did not complain at the time she was put on the freezer, as she + was glad enough to get on anything that would float, but after they got + ashore, and she had a chance to reflect on the matter, and talk with the + other girls, she concluded that his getting on the boat, which was nice + and warm, and putting her aboard the ice cream freezer, which was so cold + and cheerless, was a breach of etiquette that would stamp any man as being + a selfish, heartless villain, and she refuses to speak to him, and has + declared the engagement off. + </p> + <p> + He is very much mortified over the affair, and tries to explain that he + was more accustomed to a boat than she was, while he reasoned that she + would naturally be more familiar with an ice cream freezer. It certainly + looks to us to have been a cold-blooded transaction, and while the young + man might have been rattled, and powerless to grasp the situation as he + would if he had it to do over again, the girl is certainly justified in + being indignant. + </p> + <p> + An ice cream freezer is a cold and cheerless companion even when empty, + but filled with congealed cream and pounded ice, and in water, it cannot + but have been an Arctic exploration on a small scale. Besides the ice, it + is a notorious fact that ice cream freezers are made of zinc, the coldest + metal in the world, if we bar women's feet. + </p> + <p> + “Sheridan's Ride” has been spoken of in poetry and in song, but it pales + into insignificance by the side of this girl's ride on the ice cream + freezer. If the young man had exhibited foresight, and had a side saddle + buckled on to the ice cream freezer, the experience would have been robbed + of much of its frigidity, or if there had been a thick blanket under the + saddle, but he failed to take even that precaution. + </p> + <p> + As it is we do not blame the girl for breaking off the engagement. In + addition, we think any court would decide that he should pay for the + ginger tea and cough lozenges that she had to take to cure her cold. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SOME TALK ABOUT MONOPOLIES. + </h2> + <p> + We know it is fashionable for people to talk about the great monopolies, + the railroads, and show how they are sapping the life-blood from the + farmers by arranging facilities for transporting wheat worth forty cents a + bushel in store pay, without railroads, to a market where the farmer + realizes nearly a dollar a bushel in cash. + </p> + <p> + Demagogues ring the changes on these monopolies, tell how the directors + ride in palace cars and drink wine, from the proceeds of the millions of + dollars invested in railroads, though they never mention the fact that the + railroads have made it possible for farmers to give up driving ox teams + and ride after horses that can trot in 2:40. + </p> + <p> + We presume that railroad managers like to get a pretty good dividend on + their investments, but do they get a better dividend than farmers do on + some of their investments? Do you know of any farmer that ever complained + that his produce was selling too high? If you complain at paying eight + dollars for a jag of crow's nest wood during a snow blockade, does he + argue with, you, to show that he is a monopoly, or does he tell you that + if you don't want the wood you needn't have it? + </p> + <p> + Now, talking of railroad men manipulating stock, and taking advantage of a + raise, how is it about eggs? Within the last two months there has been the + worst corner on eggs that the world has ever seen, and the dividends that + farmers have received on their investments have been so enormous that they + must blush for shame, unless they are a soulless corporation. + </p> + <p> + Now, for instance, a farmer paid twenty-five cents for a good average hen + the 1st of December. Before the 1st of February that hen has laid five + dozen eggs, which are worth two dollars and a half. Take out five cents + for feed, two cents for the society that the hen has enjoyed, and there is + a clear profit of two dollars and forty-three cents, and the farmer has + got the hen left. Did any railroad wrecker ever make a greater percentage + than that? Talk about watering stock, is it any worse than feeding a hen, + to make her lay four-shilling eggs? + </p> + <p> + We have it from good authority that some farmers have actually gone so far + as to bribe legislators with eggs, to prevent their passing any law fixing + a rate for the sale of eggs. This is a serious charge, and we do not vouch + for it. It is probable that farmers who are sharp enough to get a corner + on eggs, by which they can be run up to a fictitious value, are sharp + enough not to lay themselves liable for bribery by giving eggs directly to + the members, but there are ways to avoid that. They can send them to the + residences of the members, where they are worth their weight in gold + almost. + </p> + <p> + Rich railroad owners have submitted to this soulless monopoly of the egg + business as long as they can, and we learn that they have organized a + state grange, with grips and passwords, and will institute subordinate + lodges all over the State to try and break up this vile business that is + sapping their life-blood. + </p> + <p> + Already a bill has been prepared for introduction into the legislature to + prohibit any manipulation of the egg market in the future. “Shall the + farmers of the State be allowed to combine with hens and roosters and + create a famine in eggs, an article of food on which so many people rely + to keep soul and body together?” they ask. + </p> + <p> + Our heart has bled, in the last sixty days, as well as our pocket-book, + while studying this question. We have seen men of wealth going about the + streets crying for an egg to cool their parched tongues, and they have + been turned away eggless, and gone to their palatial homes only to suffer + untold agonies, the result of those unholy alliances between farmers and + hens. They have tossed sleeplessly on their downy beds, wondering if there + was no balm in Gilead, no rooster there. They have looked in vain for + compassion on the part of the farmers, who haye only laughed at their + sufferings, and put up the price of eggs. + </p> + <p> + The time has arrived for action on the part of the wealthy consumers of + eggs, and we are glad the State grange has been formed. Let a few + determined men get together in every community, and swear by the + bald-headed profit that they will put down this hen monopoly or die, and + after they have sworn, let them send to us for a charter for a lodge—enclosing + two dollars in advance—and we will forward to them the ritual of the + order. + </p> + <p> + If this thing is allowed to go on for five years these farmers will be + beyond the power of the government to control. This is a grave question, + and if the wealthy people do not get relief we might as well bid farewell + to our American institutions, as the liberty for which our forefathers + fought will not be worth paying taxes for. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + There is no person in the world who is easier to overlook the + inconsistencies that show themselves on the stage at theatres than we are, + but once in a while there is something so glaring that it pains us. We + have seen actors fight a duel in a piece of woods far away from any town, + on the stage, and when one of them fell, pierced to the heart with a + sword, we have noticed that he fell on a Brussels carpet. That is all + wrong, but we have stood it manfully. + </p> + <p> + We have seen a woman, on the stage who was so beautiful that we could be + easily mashed if we had any heart left to spare. Her eyes were of that + heavenly color that has been written about heretofore, and her smile as + sweet as ever was seen, but behind the scenes, through the wings, we have + seen her trying to dig the cork out of a beer bottle with a pair of + shears, and ask a supe, in harsh tones, where the cork-screw was, while + she spread mustard on a piece of cheese, and finally drank the beer from + the bottle, and spit the pieces of cork out on the floor, sitting astride + of a stage chair, and her boot heels up on the top round, her trail rolled + up into a ball, wrong side out, showing dirt from forty different stage + floors. + </p> + <p> + These things hurt. But the worst thing that has ever occurred to knock the + romance out of us, was to see a girl in the second act, after “twelve + years is supposed to elapse,” with the same pair of red stockings on that + she wore in the first act, twelve years before. Now, what kind of a way is + that? It does not stand to reason that a girl would wear the same pair of + stockings twelve years. Even if she had them washed once in six months, + they would be worn out. People notice these things. + </p> + <p> + What the actresses of this country need is to change their stockings. To + wear them twelve years, even in their minds, shows an inattention to the + details and probabilities of a play, that must do the actresses an injury, + if not give them corns. Let theatre-goers insist that the stockings be + changed oftener, in these plays that sometimes cover half a century, and + the stockings will not become moth-eaten. Girls, look to the little + details. Look to the stockings, as your audiences do, and you will see how + it is yourselves. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A BALD-HEADED MAN MOST CRAZY. + </h2> + <p> + Last Wednesday the bell to our telephone rung violently at 8 o'clock in + the morning, and when we put our ear to the earaphone, and our mouth to + the mouthaphone, and asked what was the matter, a still small voice, + evidently that of a lady, said, “Julia has got worms, doctor.” + </p> + <p> + We were somewhat taken back, but supposing Julia was going fishing, we + were just going to tell her not to forget to spit on her bait, when a male + voice said, “O, go to the devil, will you?” We couldn't tell whose voice + it was, but it sounded like the clerk at the Plankinton House, and we sat + down. + </p> + <p> + There is no man who will go further to accommodate a friend than we will, + but by the great ethereal there are some things we will not do to please + anybody. As we sat and meditated, the bell rung once more, and then we + knew the wires had got tangled, and that we were going to have trouble all + day. It was a busy day, too, and to have a bell ringing beside one's ear + all day is no fun. + </p> + <p> + The telephone is a blessed thing when it is healthy, but when its liver is + out of order it is the worst nuisance on record. When it is out of order + that way you can hear lots of conversation that you are not entitled to. + For instance, we answered the bell after it had rung several times, and a + sweet little female voice said, “Are you going to receive to-morrow?” We + answered that we were going to receive all the time. Then she asked what + made us so hoarse? We told her that we had sat in a draft from the bank, + and it made the cold chills run over us to pay it. That seemed to be + satisfactory, and then she began to tell us what she was going to wear, + and asked if we thought it was going to be too cold to wear a low neck + dress and elbow sleeves. We told her that was what we were going to wear, + and then she began to complain that her new dress was too tight in various + places that she mentioned, and when the boys picked us up off the floor + and bathed our temples, and we told them to take her away, they thought we + were crazy. + </p> + <p> + If we have done wrong in talking with a total stranger, who took us for a + lady friend, we are willing to die. We couldn't help it. For an hour we + would not answer the constant ringing of the bell, but finally the bell + fluttered as though a tiny bird had lit upon the wire and was shaking its + plumage. It was not a ring, but it was a tune, as though an angel, about + eighteen years old, a blonde angel, was handling the other end of the + transmitter, and we felt as though it was wrong for us to sit and keep her + in suspense, when she was evidently dying to pour into our auricular + appendage remarks that we ought to hear. + </p> + <p> + And still the bell did flut. We went to the cornucopia, put our ear to the + toddy stick and said, “What ailest thou darling, why dost thy hand + tremble? Whisper all thou feelest to thine old baldy.” Then there came + over the wire and into our mansard by a side window the following touching + remarks: “Matter enough. I have been ringing here till I have blistered my + hands. We have got to have ten car loads of hogs by day after to-morrow or + shut down.” Then there was a stuttering, and then another voice said, “Go + over to Loomis' pawn shop. A man shot in”—and another voice broke + in, singing, “The sweet by and by, we shall meet on that beautiful”—and + another voice said—“girl I ever saw. She was riding with a duffer, + and wiped her nose as I drove by in the street car, and I think she is + struck after me.” + </p> + <p> + It was evident that the telephone was drunk, and we went out in the hall + and wrote on a barrel all the afternoon, and gave it full possession of + the office. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Mr. Peck was recently extended an invitation to be present at a meeting of + the Iowa Commercial Travelers' Association, at Des Moines, and respond to + the toast: “Our Wives and Sweethearts, and Little Ones at Home.” He + couldn't be present, but he responded all the same, in the following + manner: + </p> + <p> + “That is the sweetest toast that man was ever called upon to respond to. + Very few traveling men who have good wives, loving sweethearts, and dear + little children at home, sending loving messages to them, often ever stray + very far from the straight and narrow path. There is no class of men on + earth that has greater temptations and better opportunities to be 'cusses + on wheels' than the traveling men of the Northwest; and when I say that + they stand up under it a confounded sight better than the same number of + ministers or editors would, I don't want you to think I am giving you any + confectionery from my sample case. + </p> + <p> + “Through snows of winter, mud of spring and fall, and heat of summer, the + traveling man makes his connections and sends in his orders, and seems to + enjoy religion with the best of them. But the happiest days for him and + the shortest are those he spends at home with his wife, the children or + sweet-heart. There can be more tears brought to the eyes of the traveling + man by a little child putting its arms around his neck and saying, 'My + dear, precious papa,' than could be brought out by any other press I know + of, however powerful. + </p> + <p> + “I know there is occasionally a traveling man who always has his sign out + ready to be mashed, but he never neglects his business for any + foolish-ness. He would leave the finest country flirt that ever winked a + wink to sell a bill of brown sugar on sixty days' time. + </p> + <p> + “It is said that the average traveling man will keep a whole seat in a + car, and never offer to give half of it to a man, when, if a handsome + woman comes in, he will fly around and divide with her. Well, who the + deuce wouldn't? That shows that his heart is in the right place. A man can + go into the smoking car and sit on the wood box, but a woman has got to + sit down, at least that is the way I should explain it. + </p> + <p> + “Boys, may the trips become shorter each year, and the visits to the dear + ones at home be extended, so that in time you may be detailed to stay at + home always, with an increase of salary or an interest in the business; + and, I am sure, when the time comes you will be the happiest fellows that + ever had thousand mile tickets punched, and when your time comes to attend + the grand banquet above, and you appear before St. Peter at the gate, and + begin to open up your samples, he will simply look at your business card + and turn to the clerk and say, 'Give these boys all front rooms, and see + that there is a fire escape and plenty of towels, and that the rooms are + aired, and then step down to the box office and reserve them some seats + for the sacred concert this evening. Pass right in now and get a check for + your overshoes.'” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0053" id="link2H_4_0053"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACCIDENTS AND INCIDENTS AT THEATRES. + </h2> + <p> + Sometimes our heart bleeds for actors and actresses, when we think what + they have to go through with. The other night at Watertown, N. Y., Miss + Ada Gray was playing “Camille,” and in the dying scene, where she breathes + her last, to slow music, an accident occurred which broke her all up. She + was surrounded by sorrowing friends, who were trying to do everything to + make it pleasant for her, when the bed on which she was dying,—an + impromptu sort of a bed got up by the stage carpenter,—tipped partly + over, and the dying woman rolled over on the stage, tipped over a + wash-stand filled with tumblers and bottles of medicine, and raised a + deuce of a row. It would have been all right, and she could have propped + the bed up and proceeded with her dying, had not the actress got rattled. + </p> + <p> + Most actresses get lost entirely when anything occurs that is not in the + play, and Miss Gray was the scaredest female that ever lived. She thought + it was a judgment on her for playing a dying character, and thought the + whole theatre had been struck by lightning, and was going to fall down. To + save herself was her first thought, so she grabbed her night-dress,—which + was embroidered up and down the front, and had point lace on the yoke of + the sleeves,—in both hands and started for the orchestra, the + wildest corpse that ever lived. + </p> + <p> + The leader of the orchestra caught her, but not being an undertaker he did + not undertake to hold her, and she fell over the bass viol and run one + foot through the snare drum, and grasping the fiddle for a life-preserver + she jumped into the raging scenery-back of the stage which represented a + sea. + </p> + <p> + They had to pull her out with boat-hooks, and it was half an hour before + she could be induced to go to bed again and proceed with her dying. + </p> + <p> + Actresses are often annoyed at the remarks made by foolish fellows in the + audience. A remark by a person in the audience always causes people to + laugh, whether the speaker says anything smart or not. + </p> + <p> + Recently, in the play of “Cinderella at School,” a girl came out with a + sheet over her, as a ghost, to frighten a young fellow who was “mashed” on + her. He looked at the ghost for a moment, and kept on lighting his + cigarette, when a galloot up in the gallery said, so everybody could hear + it, “He don't scare worth a damn!” and the audience went fairly wild, + while the pretty girl stood there and blushed as though her heart would + break. + </p> + <p> + Such things are wrong. + </p> + <p> + Probably one of the meanest tricks that was ever, played was played on + Mary Anderson. It will be remembered that in the play of “Ingomar,” + Parthenia and the barbarian have several love scenes, where they lop on + each other and hug some—that is, not too much hugging, but just + hugging enough. Ingomar wears a huge fur garment, made of lion's skin, or + something. One day he noticed that the moths were getting into it, and he + told his servant to see about the moths, and drive them out. The servant + got some insect powder and blowed the hair of the garment full of it, and + scrubbed the inside of it with benzine. + </p> + <p> + Ingomar put it on just before he went on the stage, and thought it didn't + smell just right, but he had no time to inquire into it. He had not got + fairly in his position, before Parthenia came out on a hop, skip and jump, + and threw herself all over him. She got one lung full of insect powder, + and the other full of benzine, and as she said, “Wilt always love me, + Ingomar?” she dropped her head over his shoulder, and said in an aside, + “For the love of heaven, what have you been drinking?” and then sneezed a + couple times. + </p> + <p> + Ingomar held her up the best he could, considering that his nose was full + of insect powder, and he answered: + </p> + <p> + “I wilt “: and then he said to her quietly: + </p> + <p> + “Damfino what it is that smells so!” + </p> + <p> + They went on with the play between sneezes, and when the curtain went down + she told Ingomar to go out and shake himself, which he did. + </p> + <p> + It was noticed in the next act that Ingomar had a linen duster on, and + Mary snoze no more. + </p> + <p> + There was another mean trick played on a comedian a short time ago. In one + of the plays he comes into a room as a tramp, and asks for something to + drink. There is nothing to drink, and he asks if he may drink the kerosene + in the lamp, which is on the table unlighted. The lamp has been filled + with beer, and when he is told that he can slake his thirst at the lamp, + he unscrews the top, takes out the wick, and drinks the contents. + Everybody laughs, and the idea is a good one. + </p> + <p> + At Chicago, recently, some friend took out the beer and filled the lamp + with a liquid of the same color, but the most sickish tasting stuff that + ever was. The comedian drank about three swallows of the neatsfoot oil + before he got onto the joke, and then he flew around like a dog that had + been poisoned, and went off the stage saying something like “Noo Yoick.” + </p> + <p> + He has agreed to kill the fellow that loaded that lamp for him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ALL ABOUT A SANDWICH. + </h2> + <p> + The time for getting to the Michigan Central depot at Chicago was so + limited that no regularly prepared supper could be secured, and so it was + necessary to take a sandwich at the central depot. There has been great + improvement made in the sandwiches furnished in Chicago, in the last ten + years. In 1870 it was customary to encase the sandwiches in pressed sole + leather. The leather was prepared by a process only known to a Prussian, + and the bread and ham were put in by hydraulic pressure, and the hole + soldered up. + </p> + <p> + About four years ago, the Prussian who had the secret said something + unkind to a pitcher of a baseball club, and the pitcher took up one of the + sandwiches and pitched it curved at the Prussian's eye. His funeral was + quite largely attended, considering that he was a man who was retiring, + and who made few acquaintances; but the secret of making the soles and + uppers of railroad sandwiches died with him. + </p> + <p> + It was about this time that corrugated iron shutters were invented, and + that material was at once utilized to make lids for sandwiches, while the + under jaw of the appetite-destroying substance was made of common building + paper, the whole-varnished with neats foot oil, and kiln dried in a lime + kiln. + </p> + <p> + Our object in eating one of the sandwiches, was to transfer, if possible, + the headache to the stomach, on the principle that the quack doctor cured + a patient of paralysis by throwing him into fits, claiming that he was not + much on paralysis, but he was hell on fits. The entrance of the piece of + sandwich into the stomach—that is, the small pieces that we were + able to blast off with the imperfect appliances at hand in the tool box of + a wrecking car—was signaled by the worst rebellion that has been + witnessed in this country since 1860. The stomach, liver, lungs, spleen + and other patent insides got up an indignation meeting, with the stomach + in the chair. In calling the meeting to order the stomach said + unaccustumed as it was to public speaking, it felt as though the occasion + demanded a protest, and that in no uncertain tone, against the habit the + boss had of slinging anything into the stomach that came in his way, + without stopping to consider the effect on the internals. + </p> + <p> + The chair remarked that it had heretofore had a good many hard doses to + take, notably, army bacon, and later some black bread that the boss had + shoved in while hunting out in Minnesota in 1876, and again last year when + a pan full of beans from Bill Wall's Wolf river boom boarding house was + sent down without any introduction, the stomach said it had felt like + throwing up the “sponge,” and drawing out of the game, but it had thought + better of it, and had gone on trying to digest things till now. But this + last outrage, this Chicago sandwich, was too much. + </p> + <p> + “See here,” says the stomach, holding up a piece of the iron lid of the + sandwich so the liver could see it, “what kind of a junk shop does he take + this place for?” + </p> + <p> + The liver got the floor and suggested that the stomach was making a + terrible fuss about a little thing, and told the stomach it had evidently + forgotten the good things that had been sent down from above in times gone + by. + </p> + <p> + “You seem to forget,” says the liver, becoming warmed up, “the banquets + the boss never fails to attend, the nice dinners he sometimes gets at + home, and the wild canvas-back duck he sends down when he goes to Lake + Koshkonong, as well as the Palmer House dinners that occasionally surprise + us. I move that the stomach be reprimanded for kicking and trying to get + up a muss, and that this meeting adjourn and we all go about our + business.” + </p> + <p> + The stomach tried to get in a word edgewise, but it was of no use, and the + thing was about to break up in a row, when we went to sleep in one of the + elegant Michigan Central sleepers, and in the morning the stomach was + coaxing for something more, and didn't seem to care what it was. + </p> + <p> + No young man should ever take two girls to a picnic. We don't care how + attractive the girls are, or how enterprising a boy is, or how expansive + or far-reaching a mind he has, he cannot do justice to the subject if he + has two girls. There will be a clashing of interests that no young boy in + his goslinghood, as most boys are when they take two girls to a picnic, + has the diplomacy to prevent. + </p> + <p> + If we start the youth of the land out right in the first place, they will + be all right, but if they start out by taking two girls to a picnic their + whole lives are liable to become acidulated, and they will grow up hating + themselves. + </p> + <p> + If a young man is good natured and tries to do the fair thing, and a + picnic is got up, there is always some old back number of a girl who has + no fellow who wants to go, and the boys, after they all get girls and + buggies engaged, will canvass among themselves to see who will take this + extra girl, and it always falls to this good natured young man. He says of + course there is room for three in the buggy. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes he thinks maybe this old girl can be utilized to drive the + horse, and then he can converse with his own sweet girl with both hands, + but in such a moment as ye think not he finds that the extra girl is + afraid of horses, dare not drive, and really requires some holding to keep + her nerves quiet. He tries to drive with one hand and console his good + girl, who is a little cross at the turn affairs have taken, with the + other, but it is a failure, and finally his good girl says she will drive, + and then he has to put an arm around them both, which gives more or less + dissatisfaction the best way you can fix it. + </p> + <p> + If we had a boy who didn't seem to have any more sense than to make a hat + rack of himself to hang girls on in a buggy, we should labor with him and + tell him of the agonies we had experienced in youth when the boys palmed + off two girls on us to take to a country picnic, and we believe we can do + no greater favor to the young men just entering the picnic of life than to + impress upon them the importance of doing one thing at a time, and doing + it well. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + A young couple from Green county stopped at a Janesville hotel on their + wedding tour, and when they went to bed they were in a hurry and blew out + the gas instead of turning it off. In the night a terrible smell was heard + around the house, and suspicion naturally pointed to the bridal chamber. + The door was pounded on but there was no response, and the people feared + the young folks had gone to heaven, so the door was broken down. They had + not gone to heaven, but they were both senseless, and were dragged out + into the open air, with little ceremony and less clothes. They were + brought out of the stupor, when they looked at each other in a reproachful + manner, and as they pulled on their clothes they each acted as though if + they had known the horrors of married life they would have remained single + all their lives. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + GOODWILL AND COMPASSION. + </h2> + <p> + The Duchess of Marlborough, who has charge of the fund that is being + distributed to certain portions of Ireland's suffering poor, has issued a + circular pitching into Parnell and others for claiming that she is acting + in the interest of the English landlords. She closes her circular as + follows: + </p> + <p> + There is nothing that strikes me with more admiration than the generosity + of the British nation. I have innumerable letters, all expressing good + will and compassion for the calamities which a series of bad seasons have + brought to the west of Ireland. + </p> + <p> + To the family that is suffering for the necessaries of life, that would + look upon a large sized potato as a bonanza, there is nothing that is + pleasanter than to read a letter from an Englishman expressing compassion. + How it tones up the stomach to read of the good will that, by a large + majority, occupies the heart of the Briton who writes the letter to the + Duchess of Marlborough. + </p> + <p> + You take two plates, and put on one of them the letters expressing good + will and compassion, and on the other plate you put some of the food sent + by Americans, and offer the two plates to an Irish mother whose famishing + children are tugging at her scanty skirts, and let her take her choice. + How her trembling hand would clutch the plate containing the letters of + compassion. Eh? She wouldn't take that plate, do you say? She would take + the plate with the good, honest, star-spangled food on it, eh? O, you are + mistaken. There is so much sustenance and warmth in a letter of + compassion, that the famine stricken person would no doubt take it and + make soup of it. + </p> + <p> + But if you think she wouldn't we won't argue the case. However, you will + admit that the Irish are very queer, and if they went back on their + English benefactors and took the rebellious American food, they would be + guilty of treason, of course you will. We are not astonished that there is + nothing that Strikes the Duchess with more admiration than the generosity + of the British nation. It is the most remarkable thing we ever heard of. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0056" id="link2H_4_0056"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE FEMALE BURGLAR. + </h2> + <p> + Every day we see that some new avenue has been opened to women, by which + they can earn a livelihood. We see by the papers that a woman in Cleveland + has been arrested as a burglar. We have no objections to female + pickpockets, for if a man must have his pockets picked, it will be much + more enjoyable to feel the delicate hand of a beautiful woman fluttering + around his pockets than a rough male hand. + </p> + <p> + Many a man who would object to having his pockets picked by a man, would + be willing to lose ten or fifteen dollars just to have a female pickpocket + go through him. + </p> + <p> + There is a field open for women as confidence men. To have a female + confidence game played on a man would leave less of a sting than to be + bilked by a male. But, as burglars, the idea seems revolting. To think of + women going about nights with a jimmy and a dark lantern, and opening + doors, or windows, and sneaking about rooms, is degrading. If a male + burglar gets in your house, and he is discovered, you can shoot him, if + you get the drop on him, or kick him down stairs; but who wants to shoot a + female burglar, or kick her over the banisters? It would be unnatural. You + would almost rather let her go ahead and burgle, and let her go away with + your money, than to shoot her. + </p> + <p> + Besides, you could not hit her with a bullet from an ordinary pistol in a + vital part. The heart and other vital organs are covered with bullet-proof + corsets, liver and lung pads and porous plasters. You take a corset and + tie it around a sack of flour, and try to fire a bullet through it, and + you will find that the bullet will fall to the ground. Try to fire a ball + through a bed quilt, and you will discover that the ball becomes wound and + twisted in the cotton batting, from the rifling of the barrel of the + pistol, and stops as it goes through. + </p> + <p> + A liver pad is as good as boiler iron to protect the form, so you see + there is no place to shoot a female burglar, except in the head and legs. + No gentleman would want to shoot a beautiful woman in the face, and with a + long dress on he might as well shut his eyes and shoot at a hop-yard, and + expect to hit a pole, as to expect to hit a woman's leg. + </p> + <p> + So it is seen plainly that a female burglar would be perfectly safe from a + pistol shot. + </p> + <p> + Then, again, the natural gallantry of a man would prevent his making much + of a fuss if he found a female burglar in his house. If the average man—and + most men are average men—should wake up in the night and see a woman + burglar feeling in his pants, rifling the pockets, or rummaging in the + drawers of the bureau, he would lay still and let her burgle, as long as + she would keep still and not wake up his wife. Were it a male burglar, he + would jump up, regardless of his nocturnal costume, and tell him to get + out of there, but he would hesitate to get up before a female burglar. He + would not feel like accosting the female burglar without an introduction. + If he spoke to her familiarly, she would be justified in being indignant, + and saying, “Sir, I do not remember that we have ever met before,” and + very likely she would turn her back on him, and say she was insulted. + </p> + <p> + It places a man of gallantry in a very embarrassing situation to have a + female burglar rob his house because he would be no gentleman if he did + not offer to see her safe home. No true gentleman would like to see a + female burglar go home alone at three or four o'clock in the morning, and + while he might feel the loss of his property, it would be courtesy for him + to offer to see her home, and help carry the swag. + </p> + <p> + If women become burglars, there is going to be more or less annoyance. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0057" id="link2H_4_0057"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GIRL THAT WAS HUGGED TO DEATH. + </h2> + <p> + We are sorry to see so many of the humorous papers find any fun in the + incident of the girl at Keokuk who was hugged to death by her lover. He + had proposed to her, in her father's parlor, and she had accepted him, and + in a moment of ecstacy he hugged her to his breast, and she died at once. + The young man was horror stricken, and called her parents. It is supposed + that she died of heart disease. The case was very sad, indeed, and papers + should not make fun of an occurrence that brings so much sadness. + </p> + <p> + However, while this case is fresh in the minds of old and young, we will + embrace the opportunity, and embrace it gently, for fear we will kill it, + to again impress upon young people what we have so often advised, and that + is to be unusually careful about how they hug girls. Many a young man hugs + a girl almost to death, and he never knows how near he comes to being a + murderer. + </p> + <p> + Girls now-a-days are not what they used to be when you and I were young, + Maggie. They cannot stand as much grief now as girls did twenty years ago. + Somehow, they don't seem to be put up for hugging. If a man puts his arm + around a seven-teen-year-old girl of the present day, and sort of closes + in on the belt, he expects to hear something break. Many a humane man lets + go before he has got a girl half hugged because the girl looks so frail + that he is afraid he will break her in two. + </p> + <p> + Of course there are exceptions to the frail girls, but the majority are + too much like a bundle of asparagus. Some of the girls of the present day + are robust, and seem to be offended if a person lets up on the hugging on + their account, and it is said they hug back with a vigor which reminds a + man of the days of long ago, but they are few and far between. + </p> + <p> + Too much care cannot be exercised in putting arms around the young girls + of to-day, and we would wish to impress this fact upon the minds of the + young men who are just coming upon the stage of action. Of course, men + along in years do not need advice. The boys are apt to put more force into + the right arm than they are aware of, a hundred per cent, more than they + would be apt to do in sawing wood, or in carrying up a scuttle of coal. + </p> + <p> + They should bear in mind that girls are too valuable to be used in + developing the muscles, as you would a gymnasium. You don't have to + squeeze a girl till her liver is forced from its normal position, and she + chokes and catches her breath, to show her that you love her. A gentle + squeeze of the hand, the stealing of the arm around her waist when she is + not looking, and the least pressure upon her belt is all that the law + requires. + </p> + <p> + She can tell by your face whether you love her, as you sit there in the + twilight looking into the guiding star eyes, as well as though you grabbed + her as you would a sack of wheat, and hung on like a dog to a root. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Anna Dickinson is going upon the stage again and is to play male + characters, such as “Hamlet,” “Macbeth,” and “Claude Melnotte.” We have + insisted for years that Anna Dickinson was a man, and we dare anybody to + prove to the contrary. + </p> + <p> + There is one way to settle this matter, and that is when she plays Hamlet. + Let the stage manager put a large spider in the skull of Yorick, and when + Hamlet takes up the skull and says, “Alas, poor Yorick, I was pretty solid + with him,” let the spider crawl out of one of the eye holes onto Hamlet's + hand, and proceed to walk up Miss Dickinson's sleeve. If Hamlet simply + shakes the spider off, and goes on with the funeral, unconcerned, then + Miss Dickinson is a man. But if Hamlet screams bloody murder, throws the + skull at the grave digger, falls over into the grave, tears his shirt, + jumps out of the grave and shakes his imaginary skirts, gathers them all + up in his hands and begins to climb up the scenes like a Samantha cat + chased by a dog, and gets on top of the first fly and raises Hamlet's back + and spits, then Miss Dickinson is a woman. The country will watch eagerly + for the result of the test, which we trust will be made at the Boston + Theatre next week. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0058" id="link2H_4_0058"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + OUR CHRISTIAN NEIGHBORS HAVE GONE. + </h2> + <p> + It pains us to announce that the Young Men's Christian Association, which + has had rooms on two sides of our office for more than a year, has moved + away. We do not know why they moved, as we have tried to do everything + that it was possible to do for their comfort, and to cheer them in their + lonely life. That their proximity to the <i>Sun</i> office has been + beneficial to them we are assured, and the closeness has not done us any + hurt as we know of. Many times when something has happened that, had it + happened in La Crosse, might have caused us to be semi-profane, instead of + giving way to the fiery spirit within us, and whooping it up, we have + thought of our neighbors who were truly good, and have turned the matter + over to our business manager, who would do the subject justice or burst a + flue. + </p> + <p> + When the young Christians have given a sociable, we have always put on a + resigned and pious expression and gone amongst them about the time the + good bald-headed brother brought up the pail full of coffee, and the + cheerful sister cut the cake. + </p> + <p> + No one has been more punctual at these free feeds than we have, though we + have often noticed that we never got a fair divide of the cake that was + left, when they were dividing it up to carry home for the poor. We have + been as little annoyed by our neighbors as we could have been by anybody + that might have occupied the rooms. + </p> + <p> + It is true that at times the singing of a church tune in there when we + were writing a worldly editorial has caused us to get tangled, but the + piety that we have smuggled into our readers through the church music will + more than atone for the wrath we have felt at the discordant music, and we + have hopes the good brothers will not be averse to saying a good word for + us when they feel like it. + </p> + <p> + When we lent the young Christians our sanctum as a reception room for the + ladies when they gave the winter picnic to the dry goods clerks, we <i>did</i> + feel a little hurt at finding so many different kinds of hair pins on the + carpet the next morning, and the different colors of long hair on our + plush chairs and raw silk ottoman would have been a dead give away on any + other occasion, but for this, even, we have forgiven the young Christians, + though if we ever do so again they have got to agree to comb the lounge + and the chairs before we shall ever occupy the rooms again. + </p> + <p> + There is nothing that is so hard to explain as a long hair of another + color, or hair pins and blue bows, and pieces of switch. They are gone, + and we miss them. No more shall we hear the young Christian slip up on the + golden stairs and roll down with his boot heel pointing heavenward, while + the wail of a soul in anguish comes over the banisters, and the brother + puts his hand on his pistol pocket and goes out the front door muttering a + silent prayer, with blood in his eyes. + </p> + <p> + No more will the young Christian faint by the wayside as he brings back + our borrowed chairs and finds a bottle and six glasses on our center + table, when he has been importuning us to deliver a temperance speech in + his lecture room. Never again shall we witness the look of agony on the + face of the good brother when we refuse to give five dollars towards + helping discharged criminals to get a soft thing, while poor people who + never committed a crime and have never been supported by the State are + amongst us feeling the pangs of hunger. No more shall we be compelled to + watch the hard looking citizens who frequent the reading room of the + association for fear they will enter our office in the still watches of + the night and sleep on the carpet with their boots on. + </p> + <p> + They are all gone. They have gone across the beautiful river, and have + camped near the <i>Christian Statesman</i> office, where all is pure and + good except the houses over on Second street, beyond the livery stable, + where they never will be molested if they do not go there. + </p> + <p> + Will they be treated any better in their new home than they have been with + us? Will they have that confidence in their new neighbors that they have + always seemed to have in us? Well, we hope they may be always happy, and + continue to do good, and when they come to die and go to St. Peter's gate, + if there is any back talk, and they have any trouble about getting in, the + good old doorkeeper is hereby assured that we will vouch for the true + goodness and self-sacrificing devotion of the Milwaukee Young Men's + Christian association, and he is asked to pass them in and charge it up to + the <i>Sun</i>. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE SUDDEN FIRE-WORKS AT RACINE. + </h2> + <p> + One of those Fourth of July accidents that are always looked for but + seldom occur, happened at Racine, Monday night, which struck terror to the + hearts and other portions of the bodies of many eminent citizens, and that + none were killed we can all thank Providence, who tempers the fire-works + to the sweaty citizen in his shirt sleeves. The enterprising citizens had + contributed a large sum of money, which had been judiciously expended in + all kinds of fire-works, and one side of the public square was given up to + the display. + </p> + <p> + Thousands of citizens had gathered there, from city and country, and + bright Roman candles shone o'er fair men and brave women, and sixteen + thousand nine hundred and twelve hearts beat happy, while music arose with + its voluptuous swell, and soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again, + or words to that effect. At least that was what a young fellow from Racine + told us, who was there to see a specialist to have a splinter from a + rocket stick removed from his ear. + </p> + <p> + A few pieces had been shot off, a few bunches of crackers had had their + tails tied together and been hung over a wire clothes line, like cats, to + fight it out, and the crowd was holding its breath for the next boom, when + there was an explosion; the earth seemed to tremble, and the air was full + of all kinds of fire-works. The whole supply of fire-works had become + ignited, and were blowing off where they listeth, without regard to + anybody's feelings. + </p> + <p> + The crowd became panic stricken, and there never was another such a scene, + and never will be until the last great day, when a few thousand people + suddenly find that they have got into hell, by mistake, when they thought + they were ticketed through to the other place. It was perfectly awful. + Prominent citizens who usually display great pluck, became fearfully + rattled. + </p> + <p> + A man named Martindale, a railroad man who weighs over two hundred pounds, + was standing near a telegraph pole, and as the firing commenced he climbed + up the pole as easy as a squirrel would climb a tree, and when it was over + they had to get a fire ladder to get him down, as his pants had got caught + over the glass telegraph knob, and he had forgotten the combination, and + besides he said he didn't want to take off his clothes up there and come + down, even if it <i>was</i> dark, because it would be just his luck to + have some one fire off a Roman candle when he got down. + </p> + <p> + The Hon. Norton J. Field was another man who lost his nerve. He was + explaining to some ladies one of the pieces that was to be fired off, + which was an allegorical picture representing the revolution, when the + whole business blew up. He thought at the time, that the explosion was in + the programme, and was just reassuring the ladies, by telling them it + reminded him of battle scenes he had witnessed when he was on the military + committee in the assembly, when he noticed a girl near him whose polonaise + had caught fire, and he rushed up to her, caught her by the dress, + intending, with his cool hands, to put out the fire. + </p> + <p> + The girl felt some one feeling, as she supposed, for her pocket-book, and + she started to run, yelling, “pickpocket,” and left the burning polonaise + in Mr. Field's hands. He blushed, and was about to explain to his lady + friends how the best of us are liable to have our motives misconstrued, + when somebody threw a box of four dozen of those large firecrackers right + at his feet, and they were all on fire. Ten of them exploded at once, and + he grabbed the polonaise in one hand and his burning coat tail in the + other, and started West on a run. + </p> + <p> + The steward of the Gideon's Band Club House, at Burlington, said he + arrived there at daylight on the morning of the 5th, and he still held the + pieces of dress, but the whole back of his coat was burned off, and his + suspenders just held by a thread. He said the comet struck the earth at + Racine, at 9:30 the night before, and knocked the town into the lake, and + he and another fellow were all that escaped. + </p> + <p> + The narrowest escape was that of young Mr. Oberman. He is a small man, all + except his heart and feet, and when the air began to fill with patriotic + missiles, he started to run. On passing the <i>News</i> office he had to + jump over the old coal stove that stood there, and while he was in the + air, six feet from the sidewalk, a sky rocket stick passed through his + coat tail and pinned him to the building, where he hung suspended, while + other rocket sticks were striking all around him, Roman candle colored + balls were falling on his unprotected head, etc., and one of these nigger + chasers, that run all over the ground, climbed up the side of the building + and tried to get in his pants pocket. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Oberman begged Mr. Wright, the postmaster, to cut him down, but Mr. + Wright, who was using both hands and his voice trying to disengage a + package of pin-wheels from the back portion of his coat, which were on + fire and throwing out colored sparks, said he hadn't got time, as he was + going down to the river to take a sitz bath for his health. + </p> + <p> + The man that keeps the hotel next door to the <i>News</i> office came out + with a pail of water, yelled “fire,” and threw the water on Mr. Curt + Treat's head. Mr. Treat was very much vexed, and told the hotel man if he + couldn't tell the difference between an auburn haired young man and a + pin-wheel, he'd better go and hire somebody that could. Friends of Mr. + Treat say that he would be justified in going into the hotel and ordering + a bottle of pop, and then refusing to pay for it, as the water took all + the starch out of his shirt. + </p> + <p> + Those who saw the explosion say it was one of the most magnificent, yet + awful and terrible sights ever witnessed, and the only wonder is that + somebody was not hurt. What added to the terror of the scene was when they + went to the artesian well to get water to put out the fire and found that + the well had ceased flowing. On investigation they found that Mr. Sage, + the Assemblyman, had crawled into the pipe. + </p> + <p> + By the way, Mr. Oberman finally got down from his terrible position by the + aid of the editor of the <i>Journal</i>, to whom Mr. Oberman promised coal + enough to run his engine for a year. Very few men displayed any coolness + except Mr. Treat and Mr. Sage. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + YOUNG FOOLS WHO MARRY. + </h2> + <p> + An exchange has the following item which may seem all right, but it will + get some young fellow's back broke yet: + </p> + <p> + “An Illinois justice has decided that courting is a public necessity, and + must not be interrupted; therefore, if a young man wanted to kiss a girl + he might put her father out of the room first if he liked.” + </p> + <p> + The publication of the above may cause some smart youth to do something he + will regret. The lame, sickly-looking father of a girl may come into the + parlor some night and find the warm-haired youth on the sofa with the + girl, and when the old man speaks of it being time to stop such nonsense, + the young man, with this judicial decision in his mind, will tell his + prospective father-in-law to wipe off his vest and go to bed. + </p> + <p> + The old man will spit on his hands and grasp the warm-haired young man by + the county seat and tie him up in a double bow knot, and pin a scarf on + him, and throw him out on the path to the gate, and then he will turn and + slap the girl across where the dress is plaited, and she will go up stairs + with her hand on her heart, as it were, and the old man will jump up and + say “Whoop?” + </p> + <p> + The young men of this country have got gall enough about visiting girls in + the evening at their homes without filling their heads with any such ideas + in regard to their legal rights. There are very few fathers who would + quietly submit to being told to go away by a youth with a striped neck tie + and pants too short at the bottom. + </p> + <p> + These sparkers are looked upon by parents generally as a nuisance, and + often they are right. Nine-tenths of the sparking is done by boys who + haven't got their growth, and they look so green that it is laughable for + old folks to look at them. They haven't generally got a second shirt, and + they are no more qualified to get married than a steer is to preach. And + yet marrying is about the first thing they think of. + </p> + <p> + A green boy, without a dollar, present or prospective, sparking a girl + regularly and talking of marrying is a spectacle for gods and men. He + should be reasoned with, and if he will not quit it until he is able to + support a wife, and to know who he loves, and the difference between love + and passion, he should be quarantined or put in a convent erected on + purpose for such cases. + </p> + <p> + Nine-tenths of the unhappy marriages are the result of green human calves + being allowed to run at large in the society pasture without any pokes on + them. They marry and have children before they do moustaches; they are + fathers of twins before they are proprietors of two pairs of pants, and + the little girls they marry are old women before they are twenty years + old. Occasionally one of these gosling marriages turns out all right, but + it is a clear case of luck. + </p> + <p> + If there was a law against young galoots sparking and marrying before they + have all their teeth cut, we suppose the little cusses would evade it some + way, but there ought to be a sentiment against it. It is time enough for + these bantams to think of finding a pullet when they have raised money + enough by their own work to buy a bundle of laths to build a hen house. + But they see a girl who looks cunning, and they are afraid there is not + going to be girls enough to go around, and they begin their work real + spry; and before they are aware of the sanctity of the marriage relation, + they are hitched for life, and before they own a cook-stove or a bedstead + they have to get up in the night and go for a doctor, so frightened that + they run themselves out of breath and abuse the doctor because he does not + run too; and when the doctor gets there he finds that there is not enough + linen in the house to wrap up a doll baby. + </p> + <p> + It is about this time that a young man begins to realize that he has been + a colossal fool, as he flies around to heat water and bring in the bath + tub, and as he goes whooping after his mother or her mother, he turns pale + around the gills, his hair turns red in a single night, and he calls high + heaven to witness that if he lives till morning, which he has doubts + about, he will turn over a new leaf and never get married again until he + is older. And in the morning the green-looking “father” is around before a + drug store is open, with no collar on, his hair sticking every way, his + eyes blood-shot and his frame nervous, waiting for the clerk to open the + door so he can get some saffron to make tea of. + </p> + <p> + Less than a year ago he thought he was the greatest man there was + anywhere, but he sits there in the house that morning, with his wedding + coat rusty and shiny, his pants frayed at the bottom and patched in the + seat, and the nurse puts in his arm a little bundle of flannel with a baby + hid in it, and he holds it as he would a banana, and as he looks at his + girl wife on the bed, nearly dead from pain and exhaustion, and he thinks + that there are not provisions enough in the house to feed a canary, a lump + comes in his throat and he says to himself that if he had it to do over + again he would leave that little girl at home with her mother; and he + would, till he had six dollars to buy baby flannel and ten dollars to pay + the doctor. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + LARGE MOUTHS ARE FASHIONABLE. + </h2> + <p> + The fashion papers, which are authority on the styles, claim that ladies + with large mouths are all the fashion now, and that those whose mouths are + small and rosebud-like are all out of style. It is singular the freaks + that are taken by fashion. Years ago a red-headed girl, with a mouth like + a slice cut out of a muskmelon, would have been laughed at, and now such a + girl is worth going miles to see. + </p> + <p> + It is easier to color the hair red, and be in fashion, than it is to + enlarge the mouth, though a mouth that has any give to it can be helped by + the constant application of a glove stretcher during the day, and by + holding the cover to a tin blacking box while sleeping. What in the world + the leaders of fashion wanted to declare large mouths the style for, the + heavens only can tell. + </p> + <p> + Take a pretty face and mortise about a third of it for mouth, and it seems + to us as though it is a great waste of raw material. There is no use that + a large mouth can be put to that a small mouth would not do better, unless + it is used for a pigeon hole to file away old sets of false teeth. They + can't, certainly, be any better for kissing. + </p> + <p> + You all remember the traveling man who attended the church fair at + Kalamazoo, where one of the sisters would give a kiss for ten cents. He + went up and paid his ten cents, and was about to kiss her when he noticed + that her mouth was one of those large, open face, cylinder escapement, to + be continued mouths. It commenced at the chin and went about four chains + and three links in a northwesterly direction, then around by her ear, + across under the nose and back by the other ear to the place of beginning, + and containing twelve acres, more or less. + </p> + <p> + The traveling man said he was only a poor orphan, and had a family to + support, and if he never came out alive it would be a great hardship upon + those dependent upon him for support, and he asked her as a special favor + that she take her hand and take a reef in one side of the mouth so it + would be smaller. She consented, and puckered in a handful of what would + have been cheek, had it not been mouth. He looked at her again and found + that the mouth had become a very one-sided affair, and he said he had just + one more favor to ask. + </p> + <p> + He was not a man that was counted hard to suit when he was at home in + Chicago, but he would always feel as though he had got his money's worth, + and go away with pleasanter recollections of Kalamazoo, if she would + kindly take her other hand and draw the other side of her mouth together, + and he would be content to take his ten cents' worth out of what was left + unemployed. + </p> + <p> + This was too much, and she gave him a terrible look, and returned him his + ten cents, saying, “Do you think, sir, because you are a Chicago drummer, + that for ten cents you can take a kiss right out of the best part of it? + Go! Get thee to a nunnery,” and he went and bought a lemonade with the + money. + </p> + <p> + We would not advise any lady whose mouth is small to worry about this new + fashion, and try to enlarge the one nature has given her. Large mouths + will have their run in a few brief months and will be much sought after by + the followers of fashion, but in a short time the little ones that pout, + and look cunning, will come to the front and the large ones will be for + rent. The best kind of a mouth to have is a middling sized one, that has a + dimple by its sides, which is always in style. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0062" id="link2H_4_0062"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + LOOKING FOR A MOOLEY COW. + </h2> + <p> + It is painful to read the remarks made by some of the papers in regard to + the wicked stories told about a minister named Atwater, up in Dunn county, + who was walking in the woods with a young lady. Some editors would believe + anything that was told of a minister, if they knew it was untrue. + </p> + <p> + The truth of the matter seems to be that the elder called to visit a Miss + Northrop, a member of his church, who taught school at Knapp. She seemed + to have something on her mind, which she wanted to unfold to him, and as + there were other people in the house where she boarded, it was suggested + that they walk up a hill, into a piece of woods, where they could talk + more freely. + </p> + <p> + They started out, and a lot of saw mill hands saw them, and immediately + concluded that something was wrong, and after the truly good people had + got into the brush the men followed. How natural it is for bad men to + think there is something wrong, where two persons of the opposite sex are + congregated together. The elder and the schoolma'am went in the grubs and + sat down on a log, and there she unfolded to him her tale of woe. + </p> + <p> + It appears that she had violated one of the rules of the church by + dancing, and she felt that she ought to confess, and did confess. She + cried like a child, and seemed to be weak, and the elder put his arm + around her to keep her from falling off the log. Everybody knows how easy + it is to roll off a log, if they are not looking, and any man that + wouldn't put his arm around a girl, to keep her from falling off a log, + would be a fool whom it would be base flattery to call another. + </p> + <p> + She continued to weep—even the girl admits that—and he put his + hand up to her forehead and stroked her hair, and told her to be calm, and + her head may have fallen upon his breast. The number of heads that + wouldn't, under the circumstances, are mighty few. She was overcome with + grief and he with pity, and he tried to show her that if she braced up and + tried to lead a different life, and shook the dancing hall and the wicked + people who would put their arms around her, she might yet be saved. + </p> + <p> + One can imagine that he was displeased at her going into a giddy throng, + to be hugged in plain sight, to the music of a band, and pointed out to + her how much more beautiful it would be to go into the woods, on a log. + </p> + <p> + He had, it is alleged, got through soothing her, and she was about to wipe + her nose on her handkerchief, and he was about to remove his arm from + about her waist, when those wicked and perverse men from the saw mill came + whooping into the thicket where they sat, looking for a mooley cow with + one horn broke. + </p> + <p> + Now, the elder and the girl knew in a moment that they were not looking + for a mooley cow, but that they were scoffers, and when they asked the + elder if he had seen such an animal, he rose up with much dignity, + buttoned up his coat, and in a pious manner said that he had not seen the + cow. He did not upbraid them for breaking into the solitude of the sacred + confessional, looking for a mooley cow, but seemed to act the perfect + gentleman all the way through. + </p> + <p> + Nothing had transpired that might not have transpired in a parlor, if + there had not been so many people in the house, and yet these illiterate + and ungodly saw mill hands went off and told a story that would make + angels blush. It is possible that the elder did wrong in not offering to + go with them and look for the mooley cow, but we should not chide him for + that. He probably had not time to take up a collection of his thoughts, + and no doubt after he thought it over he was sorry he did not offer his + services to them as a herder of mooley cows, but it was then everlastingly + too late. + </p> + <p> + They had gone and told the old, old story, and nothing remained to be done + but to call a church meeting, which was done, and the elder and the girl + were acquitted of any wrong doing. This was right. If men are to be + deposed from the ministry for sitting down on a log and consoling a female + parishioner, what is to become of the world? + </p> + <p> + We don't believe the elder had any wrong motive, or that a thought entered + his head that might not have entered any man's head under the + circumstances. And yet it was unfortunate, it is so confounded hard to + explain what they walked a mile for to get into the woods where there was + a log. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0063" id="link2H_4_0063"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE HARMFUL HAMMOCK. + </h2> + <p> + Geo. W. Peck, of Peck's <i>Sun</i>, knows more about the harmful hammock, + both by experience and observation, than any other man in America. His + testimony runs as follows: + </p> + <p> + A young couple who were sitting in a hammock at one of the watering places + in this State were severely injured by tipping over backwards and striking + on the cheek of a head waiter. There is something about a hammock that is + indescribable, and there is no rule that can be made that will insure + safety while sitting in one of the queer things. There are people who + believe that a hammock understands what is going on, and occasionally + indulges in a joke. + </p> + <p> + It is certain that an old person with a lame back can swing in a hammock + half the day and it will never kick up. Servant girls and children can get + in a hammock as thick as three in a bed and there is no danger, but let a + spoony young couple sit down in a hammock ever so carefully and it seems + as though the confounded thing was alive, and had taken a contract to + spill them out on the ground in all sorts of embarrassing shapes. What it + is that causes the commotion will, perhaps, never be known, without an + investigation by some middle aged person, and if the season was not so + near over we would investigate the blasted thing ourself, in the interest + of our young readers who are in the full blush of hammockhood. + </p> + <p> + There can be nothing much more annoying to a young couple than to be + sitting side by side or facing each other in a hammock, looking into each + other's eyes, and allowing the love they dare not speak to show itself in + those orbs, and just as they are feeling as though they couldn't live a + minute unless they clasped each other to each other's heaving bosoms, or + at least one heaving bosom and one boiled shirt, and then have the hammock + turn bottom side up and land them on the back of their necks, on the + ground, with legs pointed towards the crab apples on the trees to which + the hammock is hitched, arms flinging wildly to pull down pantaloon legs, + and hands convulsively clawing gravel and muslin and delaine, while + blushes suffuse faces that but a moment before were a background for the + picture of love's young dream, and a crowd of spectators on the hotel + verandah laughing and saying, “Set 'em up again.” The hammock shakes + itself and turns right side up for other victims, as though it knew what + it had been doing, and enjoyed it. + </p> + <p> + There are young men all over the land who have been through such + experiences, and had to walk backwards all the way to the house, owing to + fissure veins being discovered in the wearing apparel below the + suspenders, while the number of girls that have been mortified by having + to go to the house with their back hair in one hand, their skirts in the + other, while six places between the polonaise and the ear-rings were + aching like the toothache from contact with the gravel path, are legion, + and we call upon the authorities to suppress the hammock as a nuisance. + </p> + <p> + More matches have been broken up by hammocks than by all the Sunday + schools in the world, and no girl who is bow-legged, or has an ankle like + a rutabaga, should ever trust herself in a hammock, even though it is held + by half a dozen friends, as the hammock will shy at a piece of paper as + quick as a skittish horse, and in such a moment as ye think not you are on + all fours, your head dizzy, and if there is a hole in your stocking as + small as a Democrat's hope of election, it will look to outsiders as big + as the gate to a fair ground. O, a hammock is worse than a bicycle. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0064" id="link2H_4_0064"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOYS AND CIRCUSES. + </h2> + <p> + There is one thing the American people have got to learn, and that is to + give scholars in schools a half holiday when there is a circus in town. We + know that we are in advance of many of the prominent educators of the + country when we advocate such a policy, but sooner or later the people + whose duty it is to superintend schools will learn that we are right, and + they will have to catch up with us or resign. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, a boy is going to attend a circus, if there is one in + town, and the question before teachers and superintendents should be, not + how to prevent him from going to the circus, but how to keep his mind on + his books the day before the circus and the day after. There have been + several million boys made into liars by school officials attempting to + prevent their going to circuses, and we contend that it is the duty of + teachers to place as few temptations to lie as possible in the way of + boys. + </p> + <p> + If a boy knows that there will be no school on the afternoon of circus + day, he will study like a whitehead all the forenoon, and learn twice as + much as he will in all day if he can't go. If he knows that there is a + conspiracy on foot between his parents and the teachers to keep him from + the circus, he begins to think of some lie to get out of school. He will + be sick, or run away, or something. + </p> + <p> + He will get there, if possible. And after the first lie succeeds in + getting him out of school, he is a liar from the word go. There is + something, some sort of electricity that runs from a boy to a circus, and + all the teachers in the world cannot break the connection. A circus is the + boys' heaven. + </p> + <p> + You may talk to him about the beautiful gates ajar, and the angel band in + heaven that plays around the great white throne, and he can't understand + it, but the least hint about the circus tent, with the flap pulled to one + side to get in, and the band wagon, and the girls jumping through hoops, + and the clown, and he is onto your racket at a jump. + </p> + <p> + You may try to paralyze him by the story of Daniel in the den of lions, + and how he was saved by his faith in a power above, and the boy's mind + will revert to the circus, where a man in tights and spangles goes in and + bosses the lions and tigers around, and he will wonder if Daniel had a + rawhide, and backed out of the cage with his eye on the boss lion. + </p> + <p> + At a certain age a circus can hold over heaven or anything else, in a + boy's mind, and as long as the circus does not hurt him, why not shut up + shop a half a day and let him go? If you keep him in school he won't learn + anything, and he will go to the circus in the evening, and be up half the + night seeing the canvas men tear down the tent and load up, and the next + day he is all played out and not worth a continental. To some it would + look foolish to dismiss school for a circus, but it will cement a + friendship between teachers and scholars that nothing else could. + </p> + <p> + Suppose, a day or two before a circus arrives, the teacher should say to + the school: “Now I want you kids to go through your studies like a tramp + through a boiled dinner, and when the circus comes we will close up this + ranch and all go the circus, and if any of you can't raise the money to + go, leave your names on my desk and I will see you inside the tent if I + have to pawn my shirt.” + </p> + <p> + Of course it is a male teacher we are supposing said this. Well, don't you + suppose those boys and girls would study? They would fairly whoop it up. + And then suppose the teacher found forty boys that hadn't any money to go, + and he had no school funds to be used for such a purpose. + </p> + <p> + How long would it take him to collect the money by going around among + business men who had been boys themselves? He would go into a store and + say he was trying to raise money to take some of the poor children to the + circus, and a dozen hands would go down into a dozen pockets in two jerks + of a continued story, and they would all chip in. + </p> + <p> + O, we are too smart. We are trying to fire education into boys with a + shotgun, when we ought to get it into them inside of sugar coated pills. + Let us turn over a new leaf now, and show these boys that we have got + souls in us, and that we want them to have a good time if we don't lay up + a cent. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0065" id="link2H_4_0065"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A TRYING SITUATION. + </h2> + <p> + It was along in the winter, and the prominent church members were having a + business meeting in the basement of the church to devise ways and means to + pay for the pulpit furniture. The question of an oyster sociable had been + decided, and they got to talking about oysters, and one old deaconess + asked a deacon if he didn't think raw oysters would go further, at a + sociable, than stewed oysters. + </p> + <p> + He said he thought raw oysters would go further but they wouldn't be as + satisfying. And then he went on to tell how far a raw oyster went once + with him. He said he was at a swell dinner party, with a lady on each side + of him, and he was trying to talk to both of them, or carry on two + conversations, on two different subjects, at the same time. + </p> + <p> + They had some shell oysters, and he took up one on a fork—a large, + fat one—and was about to put it in his mouth, when the lady on his + left called his attention, and when the cold fork struck his teeth, and no + oyster on it, he felt as though it had escaped, but he made no sign. He + went on talking with the lady as though nothing had happened. He glanced + down at his shirt bosom, and was at once on the trail of the oyster, + though the insect had got about two minutes start of him. It had gone down + his vest, under the waistband of his clothing, and he was powerless to + arrest its progress. + </p> + <p> + He said he never felt how powerless he was until he tried to grab that + oyster by placing his hand on his person, outside his clothes; then, as + the oyster slipped around from one place to another, he felt that man was + only a poor, weak creature. + </p> + <p> + The oyster, he observed, had very cold feet, and the more he tried to be + calm and collected, the more the oyster seemed to walk around among his + vitals. + </p> + <p> + He says he does not know whether the ladies noticed the oyster when it + started on its travels, or not, but he thought as he leaned back and tried + to loosen up his clothing, so it would hurry down towards his shoes, that + they winked at each other, though they might have been winking at + something else. + </p> + <p> + The oyster seemed to be real spry until it got out of reach, and then it + got to going slow, as the slickery covering wore off, and by the time it + had worked into his trousers leg, it was going very slow, though it + remained cold to the last, and he hailed the arrival of that oyster into + the heel of his stocking with more delight than he did the raising of the + American flag over Vicksburg, after the long siege. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + The sleeping car companies are discussing the idea advanced by the <i>Sun</i>, + of placing safes in the cars, or iron drawers with locks, into which + passengers can place their watches and money. We trust the iron drawers + will be adopted, as the flannel drawers now used are not safe by any + means. It is true they are sometimes tied with a string in the small of + the back, but the combination is not difficult for even a stranger to + unlock, unless it is tied in a hard knot. Give us iron drawers in a + sleeping car by all means. To be sure they will be cold; but everything is + cold in a sleeping car except the colored porter. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Several proprietors of eastern resorts have announced that only adults + will be entertained, and that no children will be admitted as guests on + any terms. At first we would be inclined to say that a hotel proprietor + who would make such a distinction could have no soul, but when we reflect + that the proprietor is catering to the pleasure of a majority of his + guests, then we conclude that the guests are devoid of souls. + </p> + <p> + What kind of a place would a summer resort be without happy children? It + would be a hospital for decayed roues, very old maids, women who hated + children, smart Alecks who were mashers, dead beats and sour curmudgeons. + The day would be put in in gossiping, exercising old flirts with stiff + joints, drinking at somebody's expense, and fishing for rich husbands with + graveyard coughs, and angling for women who wanted to be caught and didn't + care a continental who caught them. + </p> + <p> + The atmosphere about such a place would be a blizzard of heat and cold, + filled with fine sand, and would make a person with a heart, who loved + children, think he or she was in hell looking for an artesian well. + </p> + <p> + A hotel proprietor who will thus insult the better part of the human race, + should be ignored entirely by all who love children, and he should be + compelled to stand on his deserted verandah all the season and see his + rival across the way, who entertains children, surrounded by the richest + and best guests, and the soulless creature, and the few soulless, + dyspeptic boarders that he has, should be obliged to listen to the + laughter of thousands of happy children running races and playing tag up + and down the lawn of the man who has a soul. + </p> + <p> + No one who would patronize a summer hotel that refuses little children a + breath of God's fresh air should enjoy a moment's pleasure. Mosquitoes + should bore them, and country dogs should bark all night and keep them + awake. Be they male or female resorters, we pray for ants to crawl up + them, for bugs and worms to go down them, for snakes to frighten them out + of their boots or gaiters, for country cows to run them out of pastures, + and fleas to get inside their night gowns and practice the lancers all + night. May their food disagree with them, their clothes fail to come back + from the laundry, and their bandoline lose its staying qualities. + </p> + <p> + And may those at the house where children are welcome have health and + happiness, and may they get to heaven, eventually, with the children, and + while on the way up there may they throw a bundle of prepared kindling + wood into the pit below where the child haters are sighing for zinc + ulsters. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0066" id="link2H_4_0066"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE KIND OF A DOCTOR TO HAVE. + </h2> + <p> + A dispatch from Long Branch announces that “Dr. Bliss goes to New York for + a few hours today.” That is encouraging. If the doctors had kept away from + the President more he would have been better. He has had from one to six + doctors in sight, night and day, for over ten weeks. Take a man here at + home that is sick, and let a doctor go and stay with him night and day, + and how long do you suppose the man would live? + </p> + <p> + What a sick man wants is to have a doctor go around practicing on other + people, and come in once or twice a day, blow off a little steam, slap the + patient on the leg and say, “Well, boss, how's your liver?” A sick man + wants to have a doctor forget to come some time when he is expected, and + get nervous about it, instead of getting nervous because the pill-bags is + there all the time, smelling of everything. + </p> + <p> + Let a doctor that is due at the bedside at 4 o'clock, say, stay away till + 6, and then come in and tell about being down on the South Side to see + about somebody's having a sick baby, or to sew up a man that has been to a + circus, and the cross patient that has been waiting for the doctor till he + got mad, is better at once. It cheers him to know that somebody else has a + baby or had a gash cut in him in a fight, and changes his mind about + swearing at the doctor, and feels better. + </p> + <p> + Why, some of our best doctors never think of curing a man until they get + him mad a few times. It braces a man up to get mad and think, “Now that + confounded old pill-bags has forgotten all about me, and I'll bet he is in + a saloon somewhere shaking the dice for the drinks.” A sick man gains + strength, actually, lying in bed and thinking how he would like to kick + the stuffin' out of a doctor. + </p> + <p> + A doctor who has only one patient is a damage to the patient, and Garfield + has suffered more by having those doctors around when he ought to have + been left alone till he yearned for them, than anybody imagines. Why, the + feeling of a man's pulse for half an hour, and timing it as you would a + trotting horse, is enough to make a well man sick. What a doctor wants to + do is to feel of a man's pulse about one second, and then throw the + patient's hand down and say: “O, you are all right. We will have you + entered in a walking match next week.” + </p> + <p> + He wants to say something of this kind if the man is dying. A doctor has + got to be a good deal of a liar, to succeed. We do not mean to say Bliss + is not a liar, but somehow he does not seem to display judgment. He is too + much of a stayer. Bliss is too frequent. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0067" id="link2H_4_0067"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ABE TALKING ABOUT. + </h2> + <p> + A celebrated writer on the state of the country, has an article in a + magazine, in which occurs the following paragraph: + </p> + <p> + “The defects of the New England girl may be done away with by giving less + prominence to the purely intellectual or purely practical side of her + education.” + </p> + <p> + In the first place, we do not admit that there are any defects in the + Boston girl, but if there <i>are</i> defects, as is alleged by the writer + above, and by other scientific persons, we do not see how giving less + prominence to her intellectuality is going to do away with them. For + instance, there is a defect in the girl whereby she has a shin on both + sides of her lower limb, or an indentation where there should be the + customary calf—we say calf advisedly, because it <i>is</i> a calf, + and no person need be ashamed of it, even if it <i>is</i> terrible slim—we + don't see how that defect can be done away with by giving less prominence + to the purely practical side of her education. It does not stand to + reason. Sawdust, or bran would be worth two of it. + </p> + <p> + Or, again, suppose the New England girl has no hips to speak of, or her + stomach is caved in where there should be a fullness, is the giving of + less prominence to the purely intellectual side of her education going to + do away with these defects, or fill up the waste places and make them + glad? Not much! A sack of canary seed, or a rubber air cushion, or a bale + of cotton, beats the Boston idea all hollow, and we will leave it to + anybody that knows anything. + </p> + <p> + Now, as to hair. Suppose the Boston girl has no more natural hair than one + of these Mexican dogs, is education going to raise a crop of hair? Not by + any means—she has got to buy it. + </p> + <p> + No, you Boston magazine critters can theoretically take a plain, + unvarnished New England girl with these defects, and give all the + prominence you want to to the practical side of her education, and you may + imagine you can do away with these defects and make her pass muster in a + crowd, but when you get all through she will be homely as a stone fence, + and some western girl, with no defects at all, just a natural born jolly + girl, with not too much education and intellectuality, will come along + there, and all Boston will go crazy after her. + </p> + <p> + You fellows don't seem to know what you are talking about. Well, we don't + know what we are talking about either, but we had to write something to + fill up with, and girls are the easiest things in the world to write + about. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0068" id="link2H_4_0068"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A KANSAS CYCLONE. + </h2> + <p> + The little town of Clyde, Kansas, is mighty full of vinegar for a place of + its size. The principal amusement the boys have is to scare the daylights + out of visitors from the States by telling big stories about cyclones. + </p> + <p> + There are two young fellows in business there named Will May and Charley + Armstrong. They have a store where they buy butter, and eggs, and things, + and pack them for the Eastern market. Last June, Uncle Armstrong, father + of Charley, and a young fellow named Charley Farmer, were out there + visiting. The hosts entertained the guests to the most hair-standing + stories about cyclones, until they were so nervous they couldn't sleep at + night. + </p> + <p> + One night the guests had retired, and the zephyr was pretty loud. Will and + Charley got into the room adjoining that occupied by the guests, and began + to talk about funnel-shaped clouds, trees torn up by the roots, horses + flying through the air, and wagons being taken up bodily and carried away—talking + so the guests could hear them. Then they prayed for strength to pull them + through the fearful ordeal; and, pretending that a cyclone was upon them, + they started down stairs head over appetite, to get into the refrigerator, + in the cellar, for safety, yelling to the guests to fly for their lives. + </p> + <p> + Uncle Armstrong is getting pretty well along in years, but he got down to + the cellar about ten stairs ahead of young Farmer, and asked to be allowed + to get into the refrigerator first. It seemed a little cruel to the boys + to let the guests get in there with nothing on but their undershirts, but + they were going to have some fun, so they put them in among the cakes of + ice, and Uncle Armstrong sat down on the zinc floor and allowed that if + his life was spared till morning, he would never set foot in Kansas again. + </p> + <p> + Young Farmer sat on a firkin of butter, and leaned against the zinc lined + side of the refrigerator, and tried to pray, but he had forgotten the + combination; and couldn't make a first payment. + </p> + <p> + Will and Charley went up stairs ostensibly to lock the safe, but really to + go on with the programme. The first thing they did was to fire off a + shotgun, and roll a keg of shingle-nails down the cellar stairs, and yell + to the guests in the refrigerator to look out for God's sake, as the house + was struck by lightning. + </p> + <p> + Young Farmer got down off the firkin, and got on his knees, and tried to + repeat some Sunday school lesson, but all he could think of was, “Evil + communications corrupt two in the bush.” The old gentleman, who was struck + in the small of the back by a piece of ice that fell off some butter, + thought he was struck by lightning; so he began to sing, “A charge to keep + I have.” + </p> + <p> + The boys up stairs got a bag of buckshot, and opened it, and every little + while would throw a handful onto the outside cellar door, right above the + heads of the freezing occupants of the refrigerator, at the same time + pounding a piece of sheet iron to make thunder. They kept this up for an + hour, and then got a barrel and filled it with broken glass and pieces of + crockery, and they would roll it across the floor above, while one would + take an ax and pound on some bar iron that was leaning against the wall, + making a most hideous noise. + </p> + <p> + Charley Farmer said he supposed he was as well prepared to die as he ever + would be, but he said he would give ten dollars if he had his pants down + there. + </p> + <p> + Uncle Armstrong asked him what difference it made whether he had his pants + on or not, and Charley said he didn't want to be ushered into the New + Jerusalem with all his sins on his head, before the angels, and nothing on + but a knit undershirt. + </p> + <p> + They were discussing this question when they gave vent to a dying groan, + closed their eyes, and then all was still. + </p> + <p> + The prisoners thought it was all over, and they didn't stir for about ten + minutes. They thought the house had blown away, and left them alive, and + they were inclined to be thankful even for that; when Charley and Will + came down and opened the refrigerator, and told them the storm was over, + but that it was the almightiest cyclone that ever passed over Kansas. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0069" id="link2H_4_0069"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HOW JEFF DAVIS WAS CAPTURED. + </h2> + <p> + The accounts of the capture of Jeff Davis, in his wife's clothes, which + have been published ever since the war, have caused many to laugh, and has + surrounded the last days of the confederacy with a halo of ludicrousness + that has caused much hard feeling between Mr. Davis and the American + people. His friends would have been much better pleased if he had bared + his breast to the cavalryman who captured him, and been run through with a + sabre, and died with some proud last words on his lips, such as, “Who will + care for mother now,” or “The cause is lost. Send out a search warrant to + find it.” + </p> + <p> + It was a terribly ridiculous ending to a great struggle, the way we have + been in the habit of reading the story, but now we have a new light on the + subject. Mr. Davis has written a book on the war, and in it he gives the + following particulars of his capture and the bravery he displayed. Instead + of sneaking off in his wife's petticoat, after a pail of spring water, Mr. + Davis describes that escape as being almost a bloody encounter. He says: + </p> + <p> + “I had gone perhaps fifteen or twenty yards when a trooper galloped up and + ordered me to halt and surrender, to which I gave a defiant answer, and, + dropping the shawl and raglan from my shoulders, advanced toward him. He + leveled his carbine at me, but I expected if he fired he would miss me, + and my intention was, in that event, to put my hand under his foot, tumble + him off on the other side, spring into his saddle and attempt to escape. + My wife, who had been watching, when she saw the soldier aim his carbine + at me, ran forward and threw her arms around me. Success depended on + instantaneous action, and, recognizing that the opportunity had been lost, + I turned back, and, the morning being damp and chilly, passed on to a fire + beyond the tent.” + </p> + <p> + This puts an entirely different face on the affair, and instead of being a + childish coward, he represents himself to have been an arch conspirator, + who disguised himself as a female to get a good chance to throw a boy off + his horse and steal the horse. We can only admire the calm determination + of the man, as he stood there waiting for the boy to shoot, so he could + rush up, unarmed, put his hand under the soldier's foot, tip him off the + horse, get on himself, without receipting to the government for the horse, + and skedaddle. + </p> + <p> + It is not necessary to inquire what the boy would have been doing all the + time Jeff was pulling him off the horse. We all know how easy it is for an + unarmed old man to spill a healthy soldier off a horse. We can readily see + that the soldier could not have whacked the old fellow over the head with + the empty carbine, or drawn his sabre and run him through, or given him a + few shots out of a revolver. + </p> + <p> + Jeff had, no doubt, arranged in his own mind to chloroform the bold + Michigan cavalryman, but his wife broke it all up by throwing her arms + around him at an inopportune moment, thus pinioning the President of the + Confederacy so he could not whip the Union army. And so, like Adam, Jeff + lays the whole business to the woman. What would we do without women to + lay everything to? + </p> + <p> + And while Jeff must ever doubt the judgment of his wife in breaking up his + plans at that trying moment, when so much was at stake, how that soldier, + whose life was saved by her act, must revere her, memory! Had the woman + not held Jeff the soldier must have been pitched off his horse, and + striking on his head, he must have been killed. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Davis does not say so, but we have no doubt his plan was to have the + soldier strike on his head on a projecting root or stone, so he would be + killed. If there should be another war, we should never join the cavalry + branch of the service unless there was an understanding that no old men, + armed with petticoats and tin water pails, should be allowed to charge on + cavalrymen and throw them off their horses. + </p> + <p> + It is said that during the late war no man ever saw a dead cavalryman, but + if the tactics of Mr. Davis had been adopted early in the war, the + mortality must have been fearful, and perhaps the result of the war would + have been different. We cannot be too thankful that Jeff didn't think of + that way of demoralizing cavalry before. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0070" id="link2H_4_0070"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THOSE BOLD, BAD DRUMMERS. + </h2> + <p> + About seventy-five traveling men were snowed in at Green Bay during a late + blockade, and they were pretty lively around the hotels, having quiet fun + Friday and Saturday, and passing away the time the best they could, some + playing seven up, others playing billiards, and others looking on. Some of + the truly good people in town thought the boys were pretty tough, and they + wore long faces and prayed for the blockade to raise so the spruce looking + chaps could go away. + </p> + <p> + The boys noticed that occasionally a lantern-jawed fellow would look pious + at them, as though afraid he would be contaminated, so Sunday morning they + decided to go to church in a body. Seventy-five of them slicked up and + marched to the Rev. Dr. Morgan's church, where the reverend gentleman was + going to deliver a sermon on temperance. No minister ever had a more + attentive audience, or a more intelligent one, and when the collection + plate was passed every last one of the travelers chipped in a silver + dollar. + </p> + <p> + When the sexton had received the first ten dollars the perspiration stood + out on his forehead as though he had been caught in something. It was + getting heavy, something that never occurred before in the history of + church collections at the Bay. As he passed by the boys, and dollar after + dollar was added to his burden, he felt like he was at a picnic, and when + twenty-five dollars had accumulated on the plate he had to hold it with + both hands, and finally the plate was full, and he had to go and empty it + on the table in front of the pulpit, though he was careful to remember + where he left off, so he wouldn't go twice to the same drummer. + </p> + <p> + As he poured the shekels out on the table, as still as he could, every + person in the audience almost raised up to look at the pile, and there was + a smile on every face, and every eye turned to the part of the church + where sat the seventy-five solemn looking traveling men, who never smole a + smile. The sexton looked up to the minister, who was picking out a hymn, + as much as to say, “Boss, we have struck it rich, and I am going back to + work the lead some more.” The minister looked at the boys, and then at the + sexton as though saying, “Verily, I would rather preach to seventy-five + Milwaukee and Chicago drummers than to own a brewery. Go, thou, and reap + some more trade dollars in my vineyard.” + </p> + <p> + The sexton went back and commenced where he left off. He had his + misgivings, thinking maybe some of the boys would glide out in his + absence, or think better of the affair and only put in nickels on the + second heat, but the first man the sexton held out the platter to planked + down his dollar, and all the boys followed suit, not a man “passed” or “ra + nigged,” and when the last drummer had been interviewed the sexton carried + the biggest load of silver back to the table that he ever saw. + </p> + <p> + Some of the silver dollars rolled off on the floor, and he had to put some + in his coat pockets, but he got them all, and looked around at the + congregation with a smile and wiped the perspiration off his forehead with + a bandanna handkerchief and winked, as much as to say, “The first man that + speaks disrespectfully of a traveling man in my presence will get thumped, + and don't you forget it.” + </p> + <p> + The minister rose up in the pulpit, looked at the wealth on the table, and + read the hymn, “A charge to keep I have,” and the congregation joined, the + travelers swelling the glad anthem as though they belonged to a Pinafore + chorus. They all bowed their heads while the minister, with one eye on the + dollars, pronounced the benediction, and the services were over. + </p> + <p> + The traveling men filed out through the smiles of the ladies and went to + the hotel, while half the congregation went forward to the anxious seat, + to “view the remains.” It is safe to say that it will be unsafe, in the + future, to speak disparagingly of traveling men in Green Bay, as long as + the memory of that blockade Sunday remains green with the good people + there. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0071" id="link2H_4_0071"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ANGELS OR EAGLES. + </h2> + <p> + We are told that in the revision of the Bible the passage, “And I beheld + an angel flying through the midst of heaven,” has been changed to “eagle,” + and that all allusions to angels have been changed to “eagles.” This + knocks the everlasting spots out of the angel business, and the poetry of + wanting to be an angel, “and with the angels stand,” has become the + veriest prose. + </p> + <p> + We have never had any particular desire to stand with angels, not this + year, but there was a certain beauty in the idea that we would all be + angels when we got through whooping it up down here and went to heaven. + </p> + <p> + Particularly was this the case with children and women, and old persons, + and to have the angel business wiped out by a lot of white chokered + revisers is too much. There are many of us that would never make very + attractive angels, unless we were altered over a good deal, and made + smaller. + </p> + <p> + Some of us, to pass current among angels, would have to wear wigs. How + would a male bald-headed angel, with a red nose, and one eye gone, look + flying a match through the blue ethereal space with a trim built girl + angel? The other angels would just sit around on the ground, picking pin + feathers out of their wings, and laugh so a fellow would want to go off + somewhere and get behind a tree and condemn his luck. + </p> + <p> + There are few men who would be improved by fastening wings on their + shoulder blades, and we never believed they could make the thing work, but + the preachers have kept pounding it into us until we all got an idea there + would be some process that could transform us into angels that would pass + in a crowd. + </p> + <p> + Now, you take Long John Wentworth, of Chicago, a man seven feet high, and + weighing four hundred pounds. What kind of an angel would he make? They + would have to put wings on him as big as a side show tent, or he never + could make any headway. Just imagine John circling around over the New + Jerusalem, until he saw a twenty dollar gold piece loose in the pavement + of the golden streets. He would cut loose and go down there so quick it + would break him all up. + </p> + <p> + And then suppose angel Storey, of the <i>Times</i>, and angel Medill, of + the <i>Tribune</i>, should have got their eyes on that loose gold piece, + and got there about the same time before angel John arrived, and should be + quarreling over it? John would knock Storey over onto a hydrant with one + wing, and mash angel Medill in the gutter with the other, and take the + gold piece in his toes and fly off to where the choir was singing, and + break them all up singing, “You'll never miss the water till the well runs + dry.” + </p> + <p> + We have never taken a great deal of stock in the angel doctrine, because + we knew pretty well what kind of material they would have to be made of, + but we had rather be an angel than an eagle. Who the deuce wants to die + and be an eagle, like “Old Abe,” and eat rats? In a heaven full of eagles + there would be the worst clawing that ever was, and the air would be full + of feathers. Eagles won't do, and the revisers ought to have known it. + </p> + <p> + If we have got to be anything let us insist on being angels, via the + Bible, and then we can have some fun. With big flocks of angels, and good + weather, and nothing to do but to sing praises and browse around to pass + away the time, and no rent to pay, and no bills of any kind to keep track + of, it does seem as though some of us could think of some tableaux, or + picnic, or something to have a good time, but let us strike on being + eagles, revisers or no revisers. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0072" id="link2H_4_0072"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AN ACCIDENT ALL ABOUND. + </h2> + <p> + A most ridiculous scene occurred at a church in Newcastle, Penn., one + Sunday, a short time ago. A policeman was passing the church as a + gentleman came out. The man jokingly accosted the policeman and said he + was wanted inside meaning that he would be glad to have him turn from the + error of his ways, and seek the truth and enjoy a peace that passeth all + understanding. The stupid policeman thought there was some trouble in the + church, so he went in. + </p> + <p> + The sexton, seeing a policeman, was anxious to give him a favorable seat, + so he said, “Come right in here,” and he took him into a pew and waved his + hand as much as to say, “Help yourself.” There was another man in the pew, + a deacon with a sinister expression, as the policeman thought, and he + supposed that was the man they wanted arrested, so he tapped the deacon on + the arm and told him to go into the aisle. The deacon struggled, thinking + the policeman was crazy, and tried to get away, but he was dragged along. + Many of the congregation thought that the deacon had been doing something + wrong, and some of them got behind the deacon and helped the officer fire + him out. + </p> + <p> + Arriving at the lock-up, the policeman saw the man who told him he was + wanted in the church and asked him what the charge was against the deacon, + and he didn't know, so the sexton was appealed to, and he didn't know, and + finally the prisoner was asked what it was all about, and he didn't know. + </p> + <p> + The policeman was asked what he arrested the man for, and he didn't know, + and after awhile the matter was explained, and the policeman, who had to + arrest somebody, took the man into custody who told him he was wanted in + the church, and he was fined five dollars and costs. + </p> + <p> + He says he will never try to convert a policeman again, and the policeman + says he will never go into a church again if they get to knocking each + other down with hymn books. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0073" id="link2H_4_0073"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PRIZE FIGHTING AND MORMONISM. + </h2> + <p> + The trouble that is usually experienced by prize fighters in finding a + place where they can fight unmolested must have been apparent to all, and + <i>The Sun</i> would suggest a way out of the difficulty. + </p> + <p> + Let the government set apart a portion of the public domain, near some + military post, and enact a law that prize fighting shall be no more + unlawful than polygamy, or stealing from the government. If prize fighters + can have the same immunity from arrest and punishment that polygamists and + defaulters have, it is all they ask, and it seems not unreasonable to ask + it. + </p> + <p> + Certainly a prize fighter in whipping a friend to raise money to support + one wife and one set of children, when the other fellow is willing to take + the chances of being whipped, is not as bad as a praying old cuss who + marries from twenty to forty feeble minded females and raises a flock of + narrow headed children to turn loose after a while, with not much more + brain than goslings. + </p> + <p> + If two men want to go out and enjoy “life, liberty and the pursuit of + happiness,” by mauling each others faces, why should they be pulled, and + let an official who steals half a million dollars from the government, + give a New Year's reception? The thing does not look right to a man who + believes that this is a free country, and that every man is endowed with + certain inalienable rights, among which is the right to pay his debts. + </p> + <p> + Another thing, the government, if it decided to set apart certain ground + for prize fights, might create the office of “referee,” and appoint some + honest, square man, who applied for a consulship and there was no vacancy, + to the position, with a good salary. What prize fighters need is a referee + that can be depended on, and it would be no worse to appoint a government + referee than it would to give breech loading arms and ammunition to + Indians to go on the war-path with. + </p> + <p> + Prize fighting does not do any harm. If one of the principals is killed, + which does not often occur, the government is so much ahead. The + government would furnish the poison if Mormons would kill themselves. Why + not furnish prize fighters an opportunity to climb the golden stairs? The + fact of it is, as a people we oppose prize fighting because it is + “brutal,” and we go to a wrestling match where men hurt themselves twice + as much as they would if they stood up and knocked each other down. We cry + out against prize fights, and yet a majority of the male population would + walk ten miles to see a prize fight when they wouldn't ride a mile to + attend church. + </p> + <p> + We wish men would not fight, but if they want to they should either be + allowed to, or else all other kinds of foolishness should be suppressed. + If every respectable business man in this country could box as well as + Sullivan there would not be as much crime as there is to-day. Suppose all + the men that have been robbed in the past year by cowardly sand baggers, + could have “put up their hands,” and knocked the robbers into the middle + of next week, wouldn't there be fewer headaches and heartaches, fewer + widows mourning their murdered husbands, and fewer orphans? + </p> + <p> + It is against the law to carry weapons, and yet if a man opens a + boxing-school to teach men to defend themselves, and fit them so they can + knock the hind sights off a robber, he is frowned upon. We want to see the + time when every young man has got muscle, and knows how to use it, and + then there will be fewer outrages. If a respectable citizen has a daughter + that is the pride of his heart, he had rather she would go to a theatre or + a party with a man who can protect her with his strong arm than with an + effeminate curiosity that has his brain parted in the middle, and who + would be afraid to meet a dwarf in the dark. + </p> + <p> + We advise every boy who reads <i>The Sun</i> to throw away the revolver he + has bought to carry in his pistol pocket, or sell it to some coward, and + use the money to hire somebody to teach him to box, and to strike a blow + that will make any person sick to his stomach who insults the boy's + sister. Just depend your muscle to get through the world. If the boy's + people are truly good and want him to go to Sunday-school he should do it, + and learn all that is good, but he should want a little exercise with his + hands between meals, and learn the efficacy of two fists, for sometimes + they come handy. + </p> + <p> + We have heard of cases in prayer meetings where deacons got to fighting, + even in this State, and a fellow that could use his fists best stood up + the longest, though a chair was used by the opponent. We know ministers in + Wisconsin who are good boxers, and while they would not teach boxing from + the pulpit, they would not object to see every boy know how. Since the + tramps have been knocking people down in Indianapolis, we have been + anxious to hear that one of them has tackled our old friend, Rev. Myron + Reed; as we know that tramp would go to the hospital dead sure. Boys, + learn to box. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0074" id="link2H_4_0074"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MISDEAL IN A SLEEPING CAR. + </h2> + <p> + There is one thing about sleeping cars that should be changed, and that is + the number of the berth should be on the curtain, so when a man gets up in + the night to go out to the back end of the car and look out into the night + to see if the stars are shining, and he gets through seeing if the stars + are shining, and goes back, he will not get into the wrong berth. + </p> + <p> + Since the other night we have not wondered that on a similar occasion, at + the dead hour of night, as it is reported, the truly good Mr. Beecher, who + left his berth to see the porter, and ask him about how long it would be + before they got there, returned to what he supposed was his own berth, and + sat down on the side of it to remove his trouserloons, and by a scream was + notified that he was in the wrong pew. We attach no blame to Mr. Beecher, + and would defend him to the last breath, because to a man whose mind is + occupied with great thoughts, the berths all look alike. Neither do we + blame Miss Anthony for screaming. She could not know in the imperfect + light that was vouchsafed her in a sleeping car, that it was a mistake. + She had no time to argue; it was a case where immediate decision was + necessary, and she did right to scream—she could not do otherwise. + But when vile men tell us, as they draw down their eyelids and wink, that + it was “a mistake the way the woman kept tavern in Michigan,” they do an + injustice to a noble preacher who has been lied about, and who has better + judgment than to do so knowingly. + </p> + <p> + So we say that anybody is liable to err; but if anybody had told us, when + that woman from Pere Marquette, with a hare lip, and a foot like a fiddle + box, got into the berth next to ours, that in the dead hour of night we + should be sitting down on the selvage of her berth, we should have killed + him. + </p> + <p> + We are more than ever struck by the old adage that the ways of Providence + are inscrutable, and past finding the right berth. We had gone out to the + back part of the car, and stood in our stocking feet on the cold zinc + floor for a couple or three minutes, looking out upon the beautiful + Michigan landscape and waterscape, as the train passed Michigan City, and + had asked the porter if there was any bar on the train, and had returned + up the aisle to find our berth. + </p> + <p> + Pulling aside the curtains we sat down, and were about to throw our hind + leg up into the sheets, when a cold, hard hand, calloused like a horn + spoon, grabbed hold of the small of our back, and two piercing eyes shot + sharp glances at our human frame. + </p> + <p> + One look was enough to show that we had opened the wrong curtains. Every + second we expected that a female scream would split the air wide open, + that the passengers would tumble out of the berths, and that the conductor + would have us arrested for coalition with intent to deceive. It seemed + years that we sat there with that cold hand grasping the situation, and we + would have given half our fortune to have been in the bunk just one remove + towards Canada. + </p> + <p> + All things have an end, and just as we were imagining that the woman with + the hare lip was feeling around with her disengaged hand to draw from its + concealment in her corset, a carving knife, with which to cut a couple of + slices off our liver, a voice said, “Well, what in Kalamazoo are you doing + in this berth, anyway?” + </p> + <p> + The porter came along with a lantern, and we looked at the woman with a + hare lip and a bass voice, and it was not a woman at all, but a Detroit + drummer for a stove house. Finding that we were not a midnight assassin, + nor a woman, the drummer let go of the small of our back, and we got into + our own berth; but it was a narrow escape; the woman with the hare lip was + in the upper berth. We found that out in the morning when she talked + through her nose at the porter about fetching a step ladder for her to + climb down on. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0075" id="link2H_4_0075"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PARALYSIS IN A THEATRE + </h2> + <p> + Inasmuch as there seems to be no other business before the house, we + desire, Mr. Speaker, to arise to a personal explanation. There was + something occurred at the Opera House, the last night that the Rice + Surprise Party played “Revels,” that placed us in a wrong position before + the public. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Gunning, the scene painter, had prided himself that the transformation + scene that he had fixed up for the play was about as nice as could be, and + as we confessed that we had only got an imperfect view of it, the night + before, from one side of the house, he insisted that we take a seat right + in front of the stage, in the parquette, and get a good view of it. + </p> + <p> + There were a good many legs in the show, and we didn't want to sit right + down in front all the evening, so we compromised the matter by agreeing to + sit in the dress circle until it was about time for the transformation + scene, and then, after the giddy girls had all been behind the scenes, we + would go down and take a front seat, right back of the orchestra, and take + in the transformation scene. + </p> + <p> + Well, they had got through with the high kicking, and all gone off, except + one girl, a gipsy, who was going to sing a song, and then a bell would + ring and the whole stage effects would change as if by magic. When she had + got to the end of her song and had waltzed off to the left, we got up and + walked down in front, and took one of a whole row of vacant seats, put on + our spectacles, and were ready. Do you know, every cuss in that audience + saw us go down there? They all thought we had gone there to be nearer the + dizzy tights, and they began to clap their hands and cheer. We think + Chapin, the lawyer, who doesn't like us very well, started it, and every + kid in the gallery took it up, and the house fairly rung with applause at + the sight of our bald head well down in front. We never felt so mean since + we quit stealing sheep. + </p> + <p> + The crowd laughed and hi-hi'd, and the stage manager took the applause for + an <i>encore</i>, and ordered the girl to go out and sing some more. She + knew better, knew they were guying the bald-headed man in front, and all + the troupe knew it, and the girls put their heads out from the wings and + laughed; but the girl came out and sung again. If she didn't wink at us + when she came out, then we don't know what a wink is, and we have been + around some, too. + </p> + <p> + She sang some confounded love song, such as “Darling, Kiss My Eye Winkers + Down,” or “Hold the Fort,” or something, and kept looking at us every + moment, and smiling like a church sociable. The crowd took it all in, too. + Her dress was cut decolette, or low necked at the bottom, and we were + nearer to the angelic choir than a bald headed man of family ever ought to + be, but there was no help for it. She was the only girl in the troupe that + wore black tights, and we thanked our stars for that, but even with all + those mitigating circumstances in our favor the affair had a bad look, and + we admit it. Of course any one would know that we wouldn't go out of our + way to see any black stockings, but it looked as though we had, to the + crowd. + </p> + <p> + We have faced death on many a field of carnage, but we never knew what it + was to want to be away from a place quite so much as then. If you know how + a man feels when he is stricken with paralysis, or a piece of a brick + house, you can imagine something about it. We tried to put on a pious + look, a deaconish sort of expression, like a man who is passing a + collection plate in church, but the blushes on our face did not look + deaconish at all. We tried to look far away, and think of the hereafter, + or the heretofore, but that Gipsy warbling “Darling Eyes of Marine Blue,” + and forty girls in the wings making up faces, and five hundred people back + of us having fun at our expense was too much, and we just wanted to die. + If there had been a trap door to let us down into the beer saloon below, + we would have taken passage on it in a minute. + </p> + <p> + But she finally got through singing, the transformation scene came on, and + we went back to our seat in the dress circle, a changed man, and we never + looked at a person in the audience after that, but when the performance + was over and we came out, and Chapin said, “Hello, old man, guess we got + even with you that time,” we felt like murdering somebody in cold blood + and feathers. Hereafter if anybody ever catches us taking a front seat at + a leg drama, they can take it out of our wages. Mr. Speaker, we have + spoken. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0076" id="link2H_4_0076"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE QUEEREST NAME. + </h2> + <p> + There is a case in Chicago where a young man is going to apply to have his + name changed. The man's name is Easus, and he is now about eighteen years + old, and just beginning to go into society. It is alleged that he was + engaged to be married to an heiress, but she has broken off the engagement + until he can get his name changed. She was not very much mashed on the + name, anyway, and Monday night, as she was with him coming out of + Haverly's Theatre, something happened that broke her all up. + </p> + <p> + The young man's father was a pious man, and he named his son Abijah. His + companion nicknamed him “Bige.” Coming out of the theatre with his + intended on his arm, an old friend, a drummer for a Chicago grocery house, + happened to see him, and he went up to him and said, “Why, Bije Easus, how + are you?” Young Mr. Easus shook hands with his friend, and introduced him + to his girl, and she looked at the profane drummer out of one corner of + her eye and trembled for his soul as she thought how he would be sure to + go to hell when he died. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Easus explained to his friend as they walked out of the building, that + he was engaged to the girl, and when they parted at the platform of the + street car the drummer grabbed her by the hand and shook it as a terrier + would a rat and said, “Well, Mrs. Bije Easus, that is to be, let me wish + you many happy returns.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Easus colored up, the girl was as mad as a wet hen when she pried her + fingers apart, and they rode home in silence. At the gate she said to him, + “Bije Easus, I never till to-night knew what a horrid name I was going to + take upon myself, and I have made up my mind that I cannot go through the + remainder of my natural life in Chicago, being alluded to as a 'little + female Bije Easus.' Mr. Easus, I trust we part friends. If you can come to + me by any other name, you would be sweet, but Bije Easus I will never have + on my calling cards.” The young man has employed a lawyer and will have + his name changed. The girl had a narrow escape, and she may thank the + drummer for calling her attention to it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0077" id="link2H_4_0077"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHURCH KENO. + </h2> + <p> + While the most of our traveling men, our commercial tourists, are nice + Christian gentlemen, there is occasionally one that is as full of the old + Nick as an egg at this time of year is full of malaria. There was one of + them stopped at a country town a few nights ago where there was a church + fair. He is a blonde, good-natured looking, serious talking chap, and + having stopped at that town every month for a dozen years, everybody knows + him. He always chips in towards a collection, a wake or a rooster fight, + and the town swears by him. + </p> + <p> + He attended the fair, and a jolly little sister of the church, a married + lady, took him by the hand and led him through green fields, where the + girls sold him ten cent chances in saw dust dolls, and beside still + waters, where a girl sold him sweetened water with a sour stomach, for + lemonade, from Rebecca's well. The sister finally stood beside him while + the deacon was reading off numbers. They were drawing a quilt, and as the + numbers were drawn all were anxious to know who drew it. Finally, after + several numbers were drawn it was announced by the deacon that number + fifteen drew the quilt, and the little sister turned to the traveling man + and said, “My! that is my number. I have drawn it. What shall I do?” “Hold + up your ticket and shout keno,” said he. + </p> + <p> + The little deaconess did not stop to think that there might be guile + lurking in the traveling man, but being full of joy at drawing the quilt, + and ice cream because the traveling man bought it, she rushed into the + crowd towards the deacon, holding her number, and shouted so they could + hear it all over the house, “<i>Keno!</i>” + </p> + <p> + If a bank had burst in the building there couldn't have been so much + astonishment. The deacon turned pale and looked at the poor little sister + as though she had fallen from grace, and all the church people looked + sadly at her, while the worldly minded people snickered. The little woman + saw that she had got her foot into something, and she blushed and backed + out, and asked the traveling man what keno meant. He said he didn't know + exactly, but he had always seen people, when they won anything at that + game, yell “keno.” She isn't exactly clear yet what keno is, but she says + she has sworn off on taking advice from pious looking traveling men. They + call her “Little Keno” now. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0078" id="link2H_4_0078"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ADVENT PREACHER AND THE BALLOON. + </h2> + <p> + There occasionally occurs an incident in this world that will make a + person laugh though the laughing may border on the sacrilegious. For + instance, there is not a Christian but will smile at the ignorance of the + Advent preacher up in Jackson county who, when he saw the balloon of King, + the balloonist, going through the air, thought it was the second coming of + Christ, and got down on his knees and shouted to King, who was throwing + out a sand bag, while his companion was opening a bottle of export beer, + “O, Jesus, do not pass me by.” + </p> + <p> + And yet it is wrong to laugh at the poor man, who took an advertising + agent for a Chicago clothing store for the Savior, who he supposed was + making his second farewell tour. The minister had been preaching the + second coming of Christ until he looked for Him every minute. He would + have been as apt to think, living as he did in the back woods, that a + fellow riding a bicycle, with his hair and legs parted in the middle, + along the country road, was the object of his search. + </p> + <p> + We should pity the poor man for his ignorance, we who believe that when + Christ <i>does</i> come He will come in the old fashioned way, and not in + a palace car, or straddle of the basket of a balloon. But we can't help + wondering what the Adventist must have thought, when he appealed to his + Savior, as he supposed, and the balloonist shied a sand bag at him and the + other fellow in the basket threw out a beer bottle and asked, “Where in + ——— are we?” + </p> + <p> + The Adventist must have thought that the Savior of mankind was traveling + in mighty queer company, or that He had taken the other fellow along as a + frightful example. And what could the Adventist have thought when he saw a + message thrown out of the balloon, and went with trembling limbs and + beating heart to pick it up, believing that it was a command from on high + to sinners, and found that it was nothing but a hand bill for a Chicago + hand-me-down clothing store. + </p> + <p> + He must have come to the conclusion that the Son o Man had got pretty low + down to take a job of bill posting for a reversible ulster and paper + collar bazar. It must have been food for reflection for the Advent + preacher, as he picked up the empty beer bottle, shied at him from the + chariot that he supposed carried to earth the redeemer of man. He must + have wondered if some-Milwaukee brewer ad not gone to heaven and opened a + brewery. + </p> + <p> + Of course we who are intelligent, and who would know a balloon if we saw + it, would not have had any such thoughts, but we must remember that this + poor Advent preacher thought that the day had come that had been promised + so long, and that Christ was going to make a landing in a strong + Republican county. We may laugh at the Adventist's disappointment that the + balloon did not tie up to a stump and take him on board, but it was a + serious matter to him. + </p> + <p> + He had been waiting for the wagon, full of hope, and when it came, and he + saw the helmet on King's head and thought it was a crown of glory, his + heart beat with joy, and he plead in piteous accents not to be passed by, + and the confounded gas bag went on and landed in a cranberry marsh, and + the poor, foolish, weak, short-sighted man had to get in his work mighty + lively to dodge the sand bags, beer bottles, and rolls of clothing store + posters. + </p> + <p> + The Adventist would have been justified in renouncing his religion and + joining the Democratic party. It is sad, indeed. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0079" id="link2H_4_0079"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE CAUSE OF RHEUMATISM. + </h2> + <p> + One of the most remarkable things in medical science is a discovery + recently made by a Philadelphia physician When so many hundreds of years + pass over without any new discovery being made, and when one <i>is</i> + made, like vaccination, and they are not dead sure whether it amounts to + anything or not, a new discovery that the discoverer will swear by is a + big thing. This Philadelphia doctor has discovered that rheumatism is the + direct result of cold feet. + </p> + <p> + There is no discovery that has ever been made in the human anatomy that + stands to reason any more than this. Many thousands of men are going + around crippled and bent with rheumatism, and suffering untold agonies, + and they have never known what caused their bones to ache. Of course they + knew that their wives had cold feet, but they had no idea that every time + those No. 2 icicles were placed in the small of the back to get warm that + they were sowing the seeds of rheumatism. + </p> + <p> + We presume there is a hundred pounds of male rheumatism to every square + inch of cold female foot, and the Philadelphia doctor should be thanked by + men of rheumatic tendencies as well as by women of arctic pedal + extremities for this timely discovery. There is no woman who enjoys seeing + her husband in the throes of rheumatic pains, and now that they know that + their cold feet have brought about so much suffering, we trust they will + try and lead a different life. + </p> + <p> + Of course we do not expect any woman is going to bed and leave her feet + out on the floor, or under a coal stove. This could not be expected. But + they can adopt some method to soften the rigors of a hard winter. They can + paint their feet a nice warm color or have a summer sunset painted on the + instep, or a fire-place on the bottom of their feet. Anything that will + make their feet seem warm will be a relief to their rheumatic husbands. A + pair of zinc overshoes to wear in bed would help some very cold feet + several degrees. + </p> + <p> + Men are too valuable to be crippled up with rheumatism just for the + temporary comfort they can confer upon their wives by allowing the small + of their backs to be used in lieu of a grate fire. We trust that the cold + footed portion of our female population will look at this matter in its + true light, and if necessary leave their feet in the porter's room at bed + time and get a check for them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0080" id="link2H_4_0080"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HOW A GROCERY MAN WAS MAIMED. + </h2> + <p> + The shooting of the grocery man at Appleton, by the man to whom he + presented a bill, reminds us of the only grocery man we ever maimed for + presenting a bill. His name was Smith, and he lived at La Crosse. We + presume there have been meaner men built than this man Smith was at that + time, though how it could be possible we cannot see. We had run up quite a + bill at his grocery, and were willing to keep trading right along, but + somehow he got wormy, and said that this thing had to stop. + </p> + <p> + We told him we never traded with him because we wanted his goods, but just + to give him the benefit of our society, and we pointed out to him the + injury it would be to his business to have us quit trading at his store. + We told him that people would think that he had cheated us, and they would + not come there any more. He said he knew it would be pretty tough, but he + would try and struggle along under it. + </p> + <p> + Well, there was no use arguing, and finally by helping him do his chores + we got the bill all paid but a dollar and a half, and then he began his + persecutions. He called us a baldheaded old catamaran. He would follow us + into a saloon, when some one treated, and take our glass of beer, and say + he would give us credit on account. He would catch our dog and propose to + cut a piece of his tail off, and give us credit at so much an inch. + </p> + <p> + He would meet us coming out of church, and right before folks he would ask + us to go down to the brewery and play pedro. He would say he would come up + to our house for dinner some time, and everything wicked. One day we + stopped at his store to enjoy his society, and eat crackers and cheese—for + be it known we never took offence at him, in fact we sort of liked the old + cuss—when he told us to take a seat and talk it over. + </p> + <p> + We sat down on a cracker box that had bees wax on it, and after a heated + discussion on finances, found that we had melted about two pounds of wax + on our trousers, and Smith insisted on charging it up to us. This was the + last hair, and when he called us a diabolical, hot-headed guthoogen our + warm southern blood began to boil. We seized a codfish that had been + hanging in front of the store until it had become as hard and sharp as a + cleaver, and we struck him. + </p> + <p> + The sharp edge of the codfish struck him on the second joint of the + forefinger, and cut the finger off as clean as it could have been done + with a razor. + </p> + <p> + He said that settled it, and he gave us a receipt in full, and ever + afterwards we were firm friends. + </p> + <p> + One thing he insists on, even now, and that is in telling people who ask + him how he lost his finger, that he wore it off rubbing out seven-up marks + on a table while playing pedro. + </p> + <p> + He is now trying to lead a different life, being city clerk of La Crosse, + but this article will remind him of old times, and he can remember with + what an air of injured innocence we wiped the blood off that codfish and + hung it up for a sign, and how Smith sold it the next day to Frank Hatch + for a liver pad. No, thank you, we don't drink. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0081" id="link2H_4_0081"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CAMP MEETING IN THE DARK OF THE MOON. + </h2> + <p> + A Dartford man, who has been attending a camp meeting at that place, + inquires of the Brandon <i>Times</i> why it is that camp meetings are + always held when the moon does not shine. The <i>Times</i> man gives it + up, and refers the question to <i>The Sun</i>. We give it up. + </p> + <p> + It does not seem as though managers of camp meetings deliberately consult + the almanac in order to pick out a week for camp meeting in the dark of + the moon, though such meetings are always held when the moon is of no + account. If they do, then there is a reason for it. It is well known that + pickerel bite best in the dark of the moon, and it is barely possible that + sinners “catch on” better at that time. + </p> + <p> + There may be something in the atmosphere, in the dark of the moon, that + makes a camp meeting more enjoyable. Certainly brethren and sisterin' can + mingle as well if not better when there is no glaring moon to molest and + make them afraid, and they can relate their experience as well as though + it was too light. + </p> + <p> + The prayers of the righteous avail as much in the darkness of the closet + as they do in an exposition building, with an electric light, and as long + as sinners will do many things which they ought not to do, and undo many, + things that they never ought to have done, the dark of the moon is + probably the most healthy. + </p> + <p> + People don't want to be sunburnt in the night. It seems to us as though + the work of converting could be done as well in a full moon, but + statistics show that such is not the case, and we are willing to give the + camp meeting attendants the benefit of the doubt. + </p> + <p> + Again, it may be that the moon is to blame. No one would blame the moon, + if it was full, and looked down on an ordinary camp meeting, if it got + sick at the stomach, staggered behind a cloud, turned pale and refused to + come out until the camp meeting was pulled by the police. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0082" id="link2H_4_0082"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ANOTHER VIEW OF THE CASK + </h2> + <p> + A new face has been put on the killing of old Mr. Utley, in Green Lake + county, by his son, since the son has made his statement. At the time the + first news was received we felt inclined to lay it up against young Mr. + Utley, as there is nothing that hurts our feelings worse than to hear that + a boy in the first flush of manhood, when the pin feathers are just + appearing on his upper jaw and when the world is all before him to conquer + and lay at his feet, has deliberately shot six No. 40 calibre bullets into + various places in the person of his venerable father, who has nurtured him + from childhood, stored his mind with useful knowledge, or perchance played + mumblety peg with a shingle across the place where in later years another + father may plant oblong pieces of leather, because of his habit of leaning + his youthful stomach across the gate whereon swings a gentle maiden + belonging to this other father, the while giving her glucose in regard to + a beautiful castle that he will rear with his own hands on a commanding + eminence, surrounded with vines and roses, into the golden portals of + which he will usher her and empty into her lap the precious treasures of + the orient, when the cuss knows that he will never be able to earn more + than twelve shillings a day on a farm the longest day he lives, and that + if she marries him she will have to take in stairs to scrub and cook liver + over an oil stove, and wear the same dress she is married in till it will + stand alone. We say that we are opposed to young men killing their + fathers. It has never seemed right to us. But since the supplemental + returns in this case are all in, and we learn that old Mr. Utley was a + drunken bulldozer who would take the farm horses and go off to town on a + three days' drunk, leaving the young man to do all the work, and come back + complaining because the work was not done, and if the boy attempted to + explain, he would be knocked down with a stick of cord wood, and that on + this occasion he was engaged in trying to dissect young Utley with a + butcher knife, claiming that he was going to hang his hide on the fence, + and cut out his liver and stomach, and other things that Dr. Tanner has + given a furlough, and that the young man shot his father just to keep + peace in the family, and to save his own life, and that there were four + quarts of raw whisky in the old man's panjandrum when he turned up his + toes, we feel like apologizing to the young man and telling him that he + did his country a great service in wiping out his sire, baby mine. When an + old man gets so he can't enjoy himself without filling up with whisky and + cutting slices off the livers of live people, the sooner he climbs the + golden stair the better. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0083" id="link2H_4_0083"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE PIOUS DEACON AND THE WORLDLY COW. + </h2> + <p> + One of those incidents that cause a pious man to damn the whole animal + creation occurred at Janesville last week. A business man that we all + know, got up last Tuesday morning and took a walk down by Monterey, to + view the beauties of nature and get up an appetite for breakfast. He is a + man who weighs close onto 150 pounds, though he is as kitteny as anybody + when occasion calls for kittenishness. + </p> + <p> + Gazing into the crystal waters of Rock River, it occurred to him that he + would take a bath, so he disrobed himself, laid his clothes upon the + ground and plunged in. He had been sporting with the wavelets, and waving + with the sportlets for some minutes, when he heard a bellowing on shore, + and he looked up to see a cow pawing the ground and running her horns into + his clothes. You know how the smell of blood or carrion will cause the + mildest mannered cow to get on her ear and paw the ground and bellow. Not + that there was any blood or carrion there, but the cow acted that way. She + may have got the smell of a Democrat from his clothes. Anyway she made + Monterey howl, and the large man in the water dove down for stones to + throw at the cow. She had run one horn through one leg of his pants, and + the other horn through the broad part, and was engaged in chewing his + shirt, when a rock struck her on the rump and she started off with those + two garments for the blind asylum, where she evidently belonged, shaking + her head to get the pants off her horns, and chewing the shirt as though + it was a bran mash.. + </p> + <p> + The pious man rushed out of the water towards the cow and said “co-boss, + co-boss,” but she took one look at his shape and turned away and didn't + co-boss very much. A war map of the thoughts of this Janesville business + man, as he saw the cow go away, would sell well, if it was illustrated by + a picture of a native Zulu picking buchu leaves. He said he was a pious + man, and had always tried to lead a different life, and do the fair thing, + but hereafter he would be blanked if he wouldn't kill every blanked cow + that he came across. + </p> + <p> + The only things the cow had left were his hat, vest and shoes and + stockings. He put them on and started after the cow. The vest was one of + these grandfather's clock vests, that stop short, never to go again, a + sort of emigrant vest, that comes high. It was not a long, lingering, + emotional vest; it was not what would be called a charitable vest, because + charity begins at home, and covers a multitude of back pay into the + treasury. He tried to remember some of the ten commandments, to repeat, + but the only one he could call to mind was “Pull down Thy Vest.” + </p> + <p> + His eyes swept the horizon to see if anybody was looking, and he could see + that the grounds about the blind asylum were alive with people of both + sexes. He thanked heaven that by the inscrutable ways of Providence, + people were made blind, but his joy at the calamity was mingled with + sorrow when he thought that the teachers at the asylum were endowed with + the most perfect eyesight. + </p> + <p> + As the cow neared the gate of the grounds he made one effort to head her + off, but she run by him, and then he attempted to take his pistol from the + hind pocket of his pants to kill himself, when he realized again that he + was indeed barefooted from his vest to his stockings, and he sat down + under a tree to die of slow starvation, but before he began to starve he + got up again and resumed an upright attitude, on account of ants. It is a + picnic for a nest of ants to partake of a human being who has lost his or + her trousers, as the case may be, and he followed the cow, saying + “co-boss” in the most pitiful accents that were ever used by a Janesville + man. + </p> + <p> + The cow looked around, and as she did so the pants caught on a sapling and + were pulled off her horns and dropped upon the ground. The pious man + looked upon this as a direct interposition of Providence, and he was sorry + he swore. He got into his trousers so quick that it made his head swim, + and just as the crowd at the asylum had come down to the gate to see what + strange looking calf was following the cow home, the man started on a run + for town, leaving the shirt with the cow. + </p> + <p> + The people at the asylum have the shirt, and it has the initials of the + man worked in the neck band, but he will never call for it. One sleeve is + chewed off, and the bosom is rent with conflicting emotions and cow's + teeth. The man sells nails and skimmers with a far off expression, and + don't want cows to run at large any more. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0084" id="link2H_4_0084"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE QUESTION OF CATS. + </h2> + <p> + The New York Humane Society has at last taken action, looking to the + destruction of improper, immoral and friendless cats, and agents are at + work capturing the nocturnal prowlers, and turning them over to the proper + authorities of the society, who cause them to be killed. + </p> + <p> + This action cannot but be favorably commented upon by all loyal citizens, + and as the Milwaukee Humane Society is a branch of the New York society, + it is only reasonable to suppose that it will not be long before our home + society will be engaged in cat extermination. There is a great field here + for such a society, and applause awaits the humane people who have banded + together to put these cats out of their misery. + </p> + <p> + We know there are those who will say that cats are not in misery when they + give vent to those soul-stirring passages from unwritten opera, under the + currant bushes, but we cannot but think that they are in the most crushing + misery which it would be a charity to put them out of, or they would not + chew their words so, and expectorate imaginary tobacco juice, mingled with + hair and profanity. We know that human beings when they are enjoying each + others society do not groan, and scratch, and Samantha around with their + backs up, and their eyes sot, and run up board fences, and it is a safe + inference to draw that these after dark cats are in pain. Of course cats + are not human, though they are endowed with certain human instincts, such + as staying out nights, and following other cats. + </p> + <p> + Sitting on the sharp edge of a board fence for hours, gazing at a + neighboring cat, and occasionally purmowing, may be likened by the student + of nature, to human beings who sit for hours on a cast iron seat in the + park, with arms around each other; but it is far different. We have yet to + hear of instances where quantities of hair have been found on the ground + in the parks, and no young man or young woman, after an evening in the + park, comes to his place of business in the morning, with eyes clawed out, + ears chewed, or so stiff as to be unable to get up from under the stove + without being kicked. Weighing this matter carefully and in an unbiased + manner, we must give the chromo for good conduct, correct deportment, and + good citizenship, to the human beings who frequent the parks at night, + over the cats who picnic under our gooseberry bustes, and play Copenhagen + on our area fences, when those who have brought them up from innocent + kittenhood think they are abed and asleep. + </p> + <p> + So it is plain that the humane society has got work to do. We, as a + people, have got tired of seeing a Thomas cat that never paid any taxes, + get upon a pile of wood, swell his tail up to the size of a rolling pin, + bid defiance to all laws, spit on his hands and say in ribald language to + a Mariar cat, of a modest and retiring disposition, “Lay on, Mac Duff, and + blanked be he who first cries purmeow.” This thing has got to cease. The + humane society will soon be on the track of the enemy. + </p> + <p> + We know that the war is about to commence, because Mr. Holton has resigned + the presidency of the society. But there are bold men in the society that + are not so tender-hearted as Brother Holton, and they will fight this cat + question to the bitter end. + </p> + <p> + We can almost see Mr. Oliver, with his trusty shot gun, going through back + alleys at midnight, his white plume always to be found where cat hair is + the thickest. John Woodhull will meet him, after the enemy is driven over + the fence in disorder, and taken refuge under the shrubbery, and they will + compare notes and cats. Good Mr. Spencer sees the handwriting on the wall, + and his voice will be still for cats. Winfield Smith and Chas. Ray will go + out in the pale moonlight with stuffed clubs and sell cats short, while + Prof. McAllister and Chaplain Gordon, of the Light House, will sing a + solemn requiem for the repose of the alleged souls of the midnight opera + performers on the back fence, and a grateful people will pass resolutions + of thanks that where once all was chaos and cat hair, all will be peace + and good will towards morning. And may grace, mercy, peace and plenty of + cat scalps abide with the bold night riders of the Humane society of + Milwaukee. Scat! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0085" id="link2H_4_0085"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE KNIGHT AND THE BRIDAL CHAMBER. + </h2> + <p> + There was one of those things occurred at a Chicago hotel during the + conclave that is so near a fight and yet so ridiculously laughable that + you don't know whether you are on foot or a horseback. Of course some of + the Knights in attendance were from the back woods, and while they were + well up in all the secret workings of the order, they were awful “new” in + regard to city ways. + </p> + <p> + There was one Sir Knight from the Wisconsin pineries, who had never been + to a large town before, and his freshness was the subject of remark. He + was a large hearted gentleman, and a friend that any person might be proud + to have. But he was fresh. He went to the Palmer House Tuesday night, + after the big ball, tired nearly to death, and registered his name and + called for a bed. + </p> + <p> + The clerk told him that he might have to sleep on a red lounge, in a room + with two other parties, but that was the best that could be done. He said + that was all right, he “had tried to sleep on one of them cots down to + camp, but it nearly broke his back,” and he would be mighty glad to strike + a lounge. The clerk called a bell boy and said, “Show the gentleman to + 253.” + </p> + <p> + The boy took the Knight's keister and went to the elevator, the door + opened and the Knight went in and began to pull off his coat, when he + looked around and saw a woman on the plush upholstered seat of the + elevator, leaning against the wall with her head on her hand. She was + dressed in ball costume, with one of those white Oxford tie dresses, cut + low in the instep, which looked, in the mussed and bedraggled condition in + which she had escaped from the exposition ball, very much to the Knight + like a Knight shirt. The astonished pinery man stopped pulling off his + coat and turned pale. He looked at the woman, and then at the elevator + boy, whom he supposed was the bridegroom, and said: + </p> + <p> + “By gaul, they told me I would have to sleep with a couple of other folks, + but I had no idea that I should strike a wedding party in a cussed little + bridal chamber not bigger than a hen coop. But there ain't nothing mean + about me, only I swear it's pretty cramped quarters, ain't it, miss?” and + he sat down on one end of the seat and put the toe of one boot against the + calf of his leg, took hold of the heel with the other hand and began to + pull it off. + </p> + <p> + “Sir!” says the lady, as she opened her eyes and began to take in the + situation, and she jumped up and glared at the Knight as though she would + eat him. + </p> + <p> + He stopped pulling on the boot heel, looked up at the woman, as she threw + a loose shawl over her low neck shoulders, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Now don't take on. The bookkeeper told me I could sleep on the lounge, + but you can have it, and I will turn in on the floor. I ain't no hog. + Sometimes they think we are a little rough up in Wausau, but we always + give the best places to the wimmen, and don't you forget it,” and he began + tugging on the boot again. + </p> + <p> + By this time the elevator had reached the next floor, and as the door + opened the woman shot out of the door, and the elevator boy asked the + Knight what floor he wanted to go to. He said he “didn't want to go to no + floor,” unless that woman wanted the lounge, but if she was huffy, and + didn't want to stay there, he was going to sleep on the lounge, and he + began to unbutton his vest. + </p> + <p> + Just then a dozen ladies and gentlemen got into the elevator from the + parlor floor, and they all looked at the Knight in astonishment. Five of + the ladies sat down on the plush seat, and he looked around at them, + picked up his boots and keister and started for the door, saying: + </p> + <p> + “O, say, this is too allfired much. I could get along well enough with one + woman and a man, but when they palm off twelve grown persons onto a + granger, in a sweat box like this, I had rather go to camp,” and he strode + out, to be met by a policeman and the manager of the house and two clerks, + who had been called by the lady who got out first and who said there was a + drunken man in the elevator. They found that he was sober, and all that + ailed him was that he had not been salted, and explanations followed and + he was sent to his room by the stairs. + </p> + <p> + The next day some of the Knights heard the story, and it cost the Wausau + man several dollars to foot the bill at the bar, and they say he is + treating yet. Such accidents will happen in these large towns. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0086" id="link2H_4_0086"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE HOUSE GIRL RACE. + </h2> + <p> + The Minneapolis fair has been for some months advertising a race of twenty + miles between a California and a Minnesota girl, on horseback, and on + Wednesday it occurred. The girls were splendid horsewomen, but they had to + change horses each mile, and the horses were strangers to the girls, and + excited, and the crowd of 30,000 was excited, and the girls were kicked, + trampled on and jammed into saddles by main strength, and away the horses + would go, the crowd howling, the horses flying and the poor girls sighing + and holding on with their teeth and toe nails, expecting every moment to + be thrown off and galloped over by the horses and the crowd. + </p> + <p> + The pandemonium was kept up until the seventh round, when the saddle of + Miss Jewett, the Minnesota girl, slipped, and she was thrown to the ground + on the back stretch, and the crowd clamored for the master of ceremonies + to send her another horse, while the California girl whooped it up around + the track. They had to send a stretcher for the girl, and she was brought + to the judge's stand as near a cold corpse as could be, her pale face + showing through the dirt, and her limber form telling its own story. + </p> + <p> + Then people that had been enjoying the “fun” looked at each other as much + as to say, “We are the biggest fools outside of congress, to enjoy + coldblooded murder, and call it fun.” The girl will live, though some of + her bones are warped. This whole subject of lady horseback riding is + wrong. The same foolish side saddles are used that were used before the + flood, with no improvement since Eve used to ride to town after the doctor + when Adam had the rheumatiz. + </p> + <p> + Women can ride as well as men, if they are given a show, but to place them + on a horse with both legs on one side of the animal, so they have to allow + for the same weight of other portions of the body on the other side to + balance them, is awkward and dangerous, and it is a wonder that more do + not fall off and squash themselves, A well built woman is as able to ride + as a man. Her legs are strong enough to keep her on a horse—we say + legs understandingly, because that is the right name for them—if she + can have one on each side, but to shut one leg up like a jack-knife and + hang it up on a pommel, and get a check for it, and forget that she has + got a leg, and to let the other one hang down listlessly beside the horse, + the heel of the foot pounding him in the sixth rib, is all nonsense, and + those two legs, that ought to be the main support of the rider, are of no + more use than two base ball clubs would be hung to the saddle. For all the + good legs do on a side saddle they might as well be taken off and left at + home. + </p> + <p> + Of course they are handy to have along if a lady wants to dismount, out in + the woods, and pick flowers, or climb a tree after a squirrel, but the + minute she gets in the saddle her legs are not worth the powder to blow + them up. And talk about exercise and developing muscle, walking a mile is + better than riding all summer. + </p> + <p> + In walking, the legs and all the muscles of the body are brought into + action, and the blood courses through the veins, and a girl looks like a + thoroughbred, but in horseback riding the legs lay dormant, get to sleep + and have to be waked up when the owner dismounts, and all the exercise is + got by portions of the human frame that never has seemed to us as though + there was absolute need of greater development. + </p> + <p> + It is true that horseback riding makes the cheeks-red. Well, blood that + wouldn't rush to the head after being churned that way wouldn't be worth + having. It has to go somewhere. It can't go to the legs, because they are + paralyzed, being curled up like a tailor, mending trousers. Horseback + exercise for ladies, on a side saddle, is a delusion and a snare, and does + not amount to a row of pins, and it never will be worth a cent until women + can ride like men. Then the lower limbs—now it is <i>limbs</i>—will + be developed and health will be the result, and there will be no danger of + a saddle turning and a helpless woman being dragged to her death. + </p> + <p> + There is nothing indelicate about riding on both sides of a horse, if they + once get used to it. But they have got to get over this superstition that + to ride on horseback a woman must put her limbs up in curl papers. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0087" id="link2H_4_0087"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE TROUBLE MR. STOREY HAS. + </h2> + <p> + A dispatch from Chicago says that Wilbur F. Storey, of the <i>Times</i>, + is in a bad state, and that he gets around by leaning on his young wife + with one hand and a cane with the other, that he believes his latter end + is approaching, and that he is giving liberally to churches and has quit + abusing ministers, and is trying to lead a different life. + </p> + <p> + We should have no objections to Mr. Storey's going to heaven. However much + he might try to revolutionize things there, and run the place, there will + be enough of us there to hold the balance of power and prevent him from + doing any particular damage. Besides, we do not believe he is responsible + for the cussedness of his newspaper. It is the wicked young men he keeps. + The four that we know, Wilkie, Snowdon, Seymour and Doc Hinman, are enough + to make the truly good Mr. Storey have night sweats. They never refuse + when you ask them up, and they are full of guile. + </p> + <p> + Storey got fooled the worst on Snowdon. Snow-don is a graduate of a nice + Christian college at Ripon, a beautiful blonde young man with the most + resigned and pious countenance we ever saw, one that seems to draw people + to him. His heart is tender and he weeps at the recital of suffering. A + stranger, to look at his face in repose, would say that he was an + evangelist and the pillar of some church, and that he associated only with + the truly good, but he plays the almightiest game of draw poker of any man + in Chicago. + </p> + <p> + The boys say that when Storey engaged Snowdon, after the fire, he got him + to attend to the Sunday school department, and to keep track of the church + sociables and to report the noon prayer meetings, but that while he was + giving him instructions in the duties that he would be expected to + perform, Storey suggested that as the evening was well advanced that they + play a game of “old maid,” an innocent game played with cards. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Snowdon hesitated at first, said it was something he never allowed + himself to do, to touch a card, as he had promised his old professor, Mr. + Merrill, of Ripon college, that he never would do anything that would + bring reproach upon his <i>almira mater</i>, but seeing it was Storey he + would play one game, just for luck. Well, you know how it is. One word + brought on another, they drifted, by easy stages, into draw poker, and + before Snowdon left he had won two hundred and eighty dollars and, an + oroide watch chain of Storey. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Storey told his wife the next morning that he never was so deceived in + a pious looking young person in his life. “Why,” said he, as he was + thumbing over the Bible to read a chapter before morning prayers, “the tow + headed cuss would draw to a pair of deuces and get an ace full. Let us + unite in prayer.” + </p> + <p> + However, he was not going to see any other paper secure Snowdon's talent, + so he gave him a box stall up in the top of the <i>Times</i> building, and + any day, after 3 o'clock in the afternoon, you can go there and borrow a + couple of dollars of him, if you are in Chicago hard up. + </p> + <p> + The <i>Sun</i> hopes Mr. Storey may live as long as he can make it pay, + and when he dies that he may go to the celestial regions, but he must not + go and build any temporary seats and charge a dollar a head for us fellows + from the country to see the procession go by. We can stand those things + here on earth, but when we get over there we must have a square deal, or + jump the game. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0088" id="link2H_4_0088"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TRAGEDY ON THE STAGE. + </h2> + <p> + The tendency of the stage is to present practical, everyday affairs in + plays, and those are the most successful which are the most natural. The + shoeing of a horse on the stage in a play attracts the attention of the + audience wonderfully, and draws well. The inner workings of a brewery, or + a mill, is a big card, but there is hardly enough tragedy about it. If + they could run a man or two through the wheel, and have them cut up into + hash, or have them crowned in a beer vat? audiences could applaud as they + do when eight or nine persons are stabbed, poisoned or beheaded in the + Hamlets and Three Richards, where corpses are piled up on top of each + other. + </p> + <p> + What the people want is a compromise between old tragedy and new comedy. + Now, if some manager could have a love play, where the heroine goes into a + slaughter house to talk love to the butcher, instead of a blacksmith shop + or a brewery, it would take. A scene could be set for a slaughter house, + with all the paraphernalia for killing cattle, and supe butchers to stand + around the star butcher with cleavers and knives. + </p> + <p> + The star butcher could sit on a barrel of pigs' feet, or a pile of heads + and horns, and soliloquize over his unrequited love, as he sharpened a + butcher knife on his boot. The hour for slaughtering having arrived, + cattle could be driven upon the stage, the star could knock down a steer + and cut its throat, and hang it up by the hind legs and skin it, with the + audience looking on breathlessly. + </p> + <p> + As he was about to cut open the body of the dead animal, the orchestra + could suddenly break the stillness, and the heroine could waltz out from + behind a lot of dried meat hanging up at one side, dressed in a lavender + satin princess dress, <i>en train</i>, with a white reception hat with + ostrich feathers, and, wading through the Blood of the steer on the + carpet, shout, “Stay your hand, Reginald!” + </p> + <p> + The star butcher could stop, wipe his knife on his apron, motion to the + supe butchers to leave, and he would take three strides through the blood + and hair, to the side of the heroine, take her by the wrist with his + bloody hand, and shout, “What wiltest thou, Mary Anderson de Montmorence?” + Then they could sit down on a box of intestines and liver and things and + talk it over, and the curtain could go down with the heroine swooning in + the arms of the butcher. + </p> + <p> + Seven years could elapse between that act and the next, and a scene could + be laid in a boarding house, and some of the same beef could be on the + table, and all that. Of course we do not desire to go into details. We are + no play writer, but we know what takes. People have got tired of imitation + blood on the stage. They kick on seeing a man killed in one act, and come + out as good as new in the next. Any good play writer can take the cue from + this article and give the country a play that will take the biscuit. + </p> + <p> + Imagine John McCullough, or Barrett, instead of killing Roman supes with + night gowns on, and bare legs, killing a Texas steer. There's where you + would get the worth of your money. It would make them show the metal + within them, and they would have to dance around to keep from getting a + horn in their trousers. It does not require any pluck to go out behind the + scenes with a sword and kill enough supes for a mess. Give us some + slaughter house tragedy, right away. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0089" id="link2H_4_0089"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE MISTAKE ABOUT IT. + </h2> + <p> + There is nothing that is more touching than the gallantry of men, total + strangers, to a lady who has met with an accident. Any man who has a heart + in him, who sees a lady whose apparel has become disarranged in such a + manner that she cannot see it, will, though she be a total stranger, tell + her of her misfortune, so she can fix up and not be stared at. But + sometimes these efforts to do a kindly action are not appreciated, and men + get fooled. + </p> + <p> + This was illustrated at Watertown last week. People have no doubt noticed + that one of the late fashions among women is to wear at the bottom of the + dress a strip of red, which goes clear around. To the initiated it looks + real nice, but a man who is not posted in the fashions would swear that + the woman's petticoat was dropping off, and if she was not notified, and + allowed to fix it, she would soon be in a terrible fix on the street. + </p> + <p> + It was a week ago Monday that a lady from Oshkosh was at Watertown on a + visit, and she wore a black silk dress with a red strip on the bottom. As + she walked across the bridge Mr. Calvin Cheeney, a gentleman whose heart + is in the right place, saw what he supposed would soon be a terrible + accident, which would tend to embarrass the lady, so he stepped up to her + in the politest manner possible, took off his hat and said: + </p> + <p> + “Excuse me, madame, but I think your wearing apparel is becoming + disarranged. You might step right into Clark's, here, and fix it,” and he + pointed to the bottom of her dress. + </p> + <p> + She gave him a look which froze his blood, and shaking her dress out she + went on. He said it was the last time he would ever try to help a woman in + distress. + </p> + <p> + She sailed along down to a grocery store and stopped to look at some + grapes, when the practiced eye of Hon. Peter Brook saw that something was + wrong. To think is to act with Peter, and he at once said: + </p> + <p> + “Miss, your petticoat seems to be dropping off. You can go in the store + and get behind that box of codfish and fix it if you want to.” + </p> + <p> + Now that was a kind thing for Peter to do, and an act that any gentleman + might be proud of, but he was amazed at her when she told him to mind his + own business, and she would attend to her own petticoat, and she marched + off just a trifle mad. + </p> + <p> + She went into the postoffice to mail a postal card, just as Mr. Moak, the + postmaster, came out of his private office with Hon. L. B. Caswell, the + congressman. Mr. Moak, without the aid of his glasses, saw that there was + liable to be trouble, so he asked Caswell to excuse him a moment, and + turning to the delivery window where she was asking the clerk what time + the mail came in, he said: + </p> + <p> + “I beg a thousand pardons, madame. It ill becomes a stranger to speak to + one so fair without an introduction, but I believe that I am not violating + the civil service rules laid down by Mr. Hayes for the guidance of + postmasters when I tell you, lady, that something has broke loose and that + the red garment that you fain would hide from the gaze of the world has + asserted itself and appears to the naked eye about two chains and three + links below your dress. I am going abroad, to visit Joe Lindon, the + independent candidate for sheriff, and you can step into the back office + and take a reef in it.” + </p> + <p> + He did not see the look of fire in her eyes as he went out, because he was + not looking at her eye. She passed out, and Doc Spaulding, who has got a + heart in him as big as a box car, saw it, and touching his broad brimmed + felt hat he said, in a whisper: + </p> + <p> + “Madame, you better drop into a millinery store and fasten up your—” + </p> + <p> + But she passed him on a run, and was just going into a hardware store, + with her hand on her pistol pocket, when Jule Keyes happened along. Now, + Jule would consider himself a horse thief if he should allow a woman to go + along the street with anything the matter with her clothes, and he not + warn her of the consequences, so he stopped and told her that she must + excuse him, a perfect stranger, for mentioning her petticoat, but the fact + was that it was coming off. + </p> + <p> + By this time the woman was mad. She bought a pistol and started for the + depot, firmly resolved to kill the first man that molested her. She did + not meet anybody until she arrived at the Junction, and she sat down in + the depot to rest before the train came. + </p> + <p> + Pierce, the hotel man, is one of the most noticin' persons anywhere, and + she hadn't been seated a York minute before his eye caught the discrepancy + in her apparel. He tried to get the telegraph operator and the express man + to go and tell her about it, but they wouldn't, so he went and took a seat + near her. + </p> + <p> + “It is a warm day, madame,” said Pierce, looking at the red strip at the + bottom of her dress. + </p> + <p> + She drew her pistol, cocked it, and pointed it at Pierce, who was + trembling in every leg, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Look-a-here, you young cuss. I have had half a dozen grown persons down + town tell me my petticoat was coming off, and I have stood it because I + thought they were old enough to know what they were talking about, but + when it comes to boys of your age coming around thinking they know all + about women's clothes it is too much, and the shooting is going to + commence.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Pierce made one bound and reached the door, and then got behind a + white grey hound and waited for her to go away, which she soon did. As she + was stepping on the car the conductor, Jake Sazerowski, said to her: + </p> + <p> + “Your apparel, madame, seems to be demoralized,” but she rushed into the + car, and was seen no more. + </p> + <p> + Since then these gentlemen have all learned that the fashion calls for a + red strip at the bottom of a dress, and they will make no more mistakes. + But they were all serious enough, and their interference was prompted by + pure kindness of heart, and not from any wicked thoughts. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0090" id="link2H_4_0090"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE MAN FROM DUBUQUE. + </h2> + <p> + Last week, a young man from the country west of here came in on the + evening train and walked up to Grand avenue, with a fresh looking young + woman hanging on to one handle of a satchel while he held the other. They + turned into the Plankinton House, and with a wild light in his eye the man + went to the book and registered his name and that of the lady with him. + </p> + <p> + While the clerk was picking out a couple of rooms that were near together, + the man looked around at the colored man who had the satchel, and as the + clerk said, “Show the gentleman to No. 65 and the lady to 67,” he said, + “Hold on, 'squire! One room will do.” + </p> + <p> + On being shown to the room, the bridegroom came right out with the bell + boy and appeared at the office. Picking out a benevolent looking + gentleman, with a good place to raise hair on his head, who was behind the + counter, the groom said: + </p> + <p> + “Say, can a man enjoy religion in this house?” + </p> + <p> + Mr. White said a man could if he brought it with him. They had none on + hand to issue out to guests, but they never interfered with those who had + it when they arrived. + </p> + <p> + “Why,” says the manager of the house, “has anybody interfered with your + devotions here?” + </p> + <p> + “No, not here,” said the man, wiping his fore-head with a red + handkerchief. “But they have at Dubuque. I'll tell you how it was. I was + married a couple of days ago, and night before last I put up at a Dubuque + hotel. My wife never had been married before, any at all, and she is + timid, and thinks everybody is watching us, and making fun of us. + </p> + <p> + “She jumps at the slightest sound. Well, we went to our room in the + afternoon, and she began to cry, and said if she wasn't married she never + would be the longest day she lived. I sort of put my arm around her, and + was just telling her that everybody had to get married, when there was a + knock on the door, and she jumped more than thirty feet. “You see that + finger. Well, a pin in her belt stuck clear through, and came near making + me faint away. I held my finger in my mouth, and telling her the house was + not on fire, I went to the door and there was a porter there who wanted to + know if I wanted any more coal on the fire. I drove him away, and sat down + in a big rocking chair with my wife in my lap, and was stroking her hair + and telling her that if she would forgive me for marrying I never would do + so again, and trying to make her feel more at home, when there came + another knock at the door, and she jumped clear across the room and + knocked over a water pitcher. + </p> + <p> + “This seal ring on my finger caught in her frizzes and I'll be cussed if + the whole top of her head didn't come off. I was a little flurried and + went to the door, and a chambermaid was there with an armful of towels and + she handed me a couple and went off. My wife came into camp again, and + began to cry and accuse me of pulling her hair, when I went up to her and + put my arm around her waist, and was just going to kiss her, just as any + man would be justified in kissing his wife under the circumstances, when + she screamed murder and fell against the bureau. + </p> + <p> + “I looked around and the door had opened, and there was a colored man + coming into the room with a kerosene lamp, and he chuckled and said he + begged my pardon. Now, I am a man that don't let my temper get away with + me, but as it was three hours before dark I didn't see what was the use of + a lamp, and I told him to get out of there. Before 6 o'clock that evening + there had been twenty raps at the door, and we got sick. My wife said she + would not stay in that house for a million dollars. So we started for + Milwaukee. + </p> + <p> + “I tried to get a little sleep on the cars, but every little while a + conductor would wake me up and roll me over in the seat to look at my + ticket, and brake-men would run against my legs in the aisle of the car, + and shout the names of stations till I was sorry I ever left home. Now, I + want to have rest and quietude. Can I have it here?” + </p> + <p> + The manager told him to go to his room, and if he wanted any coal or ice + water to ring for it, and if anybody knocked at his door without being + sent for, to begin shooting bullets through the door. That settled it, and + when the parties returned to Iowa they said this country was a mighty + sight different from Dubuque. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0091" id="link2H_4_0091"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GIDDY GIRLS QUARREL. + </h2> + <p> + A dispatch from Brooklyn states that at the conclusion of a performance at + the theatre, Fanny Davenport's wardrobe was attached by Anna Dickinson and + the remark is made that Fanny will contest the matter. Well, we should + think she would. What girl would sit down silently and allow another to + attach her wardrobe without contesting? It is no light thing for an + actress to have her wardrobe attached after the theatre is out. Of course + Fanny could throw something over her, a piece of scenery, or a curtain, + and go to her hotel, but how would she look? Miss Davenport always looked + well with her wardrobe on, but it may have been all in the wardrobe. + Without a wardrobe she may look very plain and unattractive. + </p> + <p> + Anna Dickinson has done very wrong. She has struck Fanny in a vital part. + An actress with a wardrobe is one of the noblest works of nature. She is + the next thing to an honest man, which is the noblest work, though we do + not say it boastingly. We say she is next to an honest man, with a + wardrobe, but if she has no wardrobe it is not right. + </p> + <p> + However, we will change the subject before it gets too deep for us. + </p> + <p> + Now, the question is, what is Anna Dickinson going to do with Fanny's + wardrobe? She may think Fanny's talent goes with it, but if she will + carefully search the pockets she will find that Fanny retains her talent, + and has probably hid it under a bushel, or an umbrella; or something, + before this time. Anna cannot wear Fanny's wardrobe to play on the stage, + because she is not bigger than a banana, while Fanny is nearly six feet + long, from tip to tip. If Anna should come out on a stage with the + Davenport wardrobe, the boys would throw rolls of cotton batting at her. + </p> + <p> + Fanny's dress, accustomed to so much talent, would have to be stuffed full + of stuff. There would be room in Fanny's dress, if Anna had it on, as we + remember the two, to put in a feather bed, eleven rolls of cotton batting, + twelve pounds of bird seed, four rubber air cushions, two dozen towels, + two brass bird cages, a bundle of old papers, a sack of bran and a bale of + hay. That is, in different places. Of course all this truck wouldn't go in + the dress in any one given locality. If Anna should put on Fanny's dress, + and have it filled up so it would look any way decent, and attempt to go + to Canada, she would be arrested for smuggling. + </p> + <p> + Why, if Dickinson should put on a pair of Davenport's stockings, now for + instance, it would be necessary to get out a search warrant to find her. + She could pin the tops of them at her throat with a brooch, and her whole + frame would not fill one stocking half as well as they have been filled + before being attached, and Anna would look like a Santa Claus present of a + crying doll, hung on to a mantel piece. + </p> + <p> + Fanny Davenport is one of the handsomest and splendidest formed women on + the American stage, and a perfect lady, while Dickinson, who succeeds to + her old clothes through the law, is small, not handsome, and a quarrelsome + female who thinks she has a mission. The people of this country had rather + see Fanny Davenport without any wardrobe to speak of than to see Dickinson + with clothes enough to start a second hand store. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0092" id="link2H_4_0092"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DON'T LEAVE YOUR GUM AROUND. + </h2> + <p> + A woman at Wyocena, who chews gum, laid her “quid” on a green paper box, + and when she came to chew it again was poisoned and it was with difficulty + her life was saved. This reminds us of an accident that happened to Mary + Anderson when she was here last. Mary will remember that in the second + scene of “Ingomar,” just when Parthenia was winding herself around the + heart of the barbarian, she looked pale, and whenever she would try to say + sweet words to him, she acted as though she was on a lake excursion. + </p> + <p> + During some of the love passages we remember a far away look in her eyes, + as though she was searching for the unfathomable, or looking for a + friendly railing to lean over, and when her bosom heaved with emotion she + acted as though she expected to hear from down country, and doubted + whether her boots would remain on her feet or throw up their situation. + Those who sat in the left box will remember that when she threw her head + on Ingomar's shoulder, that she spit cotton over towards the back of the + stage, and acted like the little girl that had been eating tomatoes. + </p> + <p> + Ingomar seemed to notice that something was the matter, and he kept his + face as far from Parthenia as the rules of polite society would admit, and + the theory that she had been eating onions, which was advanced by a + bald-headed man in the dress circle, found many believers. However, that + was not the case, as we found by inquiring of a gentlemanly supe. It is + well known that Miss Anderson is addicted to the gum chewing habit, and + that when she goes upon the stage she sticks her chew of gum on an old + castle painted on the scenery. + </p> + <p> + There was a wicked young man playing a minor part in the play, who had + been treated scornfully by Mary, as he thought, and he had been heard to + say he would make her sick. He did. He took her chew of gum and spread it + out so it was as thin as paper, then placed a chew of tobacco inside, + neatly wrapped it up, and stuck it back on the old castle. Mary came off, + when the curtain went down, and going up to the castle she bit like a + bass. Putting the gum, which she had no idea was loaded, into her mouth, + she mashed it between her ivories and rolled it as a sweet morsel under + her tongue. It is said by those who happened to be behind the scenes, that + when the tobacco began to get in its work there was the worst + transformation scene that ever appeared on the stage. The air, one supe + said, seemed to be full of fine cut tobacco and spruce gum, and Mary stood + there and leaned against a painted rock, a picture of homesickness. + </p> + <p> + She was pale about the gills, and trembled like ap aspen leaf shaken by + the wind. She was calm as a summer's morning, and while concealment, like + a worm in an apple, gnawed at her stomach, and tore her corset strings, + she did not upbraid the wretch who had smuggled the vile pill into her + countenance. All she said, as she turned her pale face to the painted ivy + on the rock, and grasped a painted mantel piece with her left hand, as her + right hand rested on her heaving stomach, was, “I die by the hand of an + assassin.” And the soft scenic moon rose up slowly, and calmly she looked + down from the flies, and Mary was saved. Women can't be too careful where + they put their gum. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0093" id="link2H_4_0093"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE WAY TO NAME CHILDREN. + </h2> + <p> + The names of Indians are sometimes so peculiar that people are made to + wonder how the red men became possessed of them. That of “Sitting Bull,” + “Crazy Horse,” “Man Afraid of his Horses,” “Red Cloud,” etc., cause a good + deal of thought to those who do not know how the names are given. The fact + of the matter is that after a child of the forest is born the medicine man + goes to the door and looks out and the first object that attracts his + attention is made use of to name the child. When the mother of that great + warrior gave birth to her child the medicine man looked out and saw a bull + seated on its haunches; hence the name “Sitting Bull.” It is an evidence + of our superior civilization that we name children on a different plan, + taking the name of some eminent man or woman, some uncle or aunt to fasten + on to the unsuspecting stranger. Suppose that the custom that is in vogue + among the Indians should be in use among us, we would have, instead of + “George Washington” and “Hanner Jane,” and such beautiful names, some of + the worst jaw-breakers that ever was. Suppose the attending physician + should go the door after a child was born and name it after the first + object he saw. We might have some future statesman named “Red Headed + Servant Girl with a Rubber Bag of Hot Water” or “Bald-headed Husband + Walking Up and Down the Alley with His Hands in His Pockets swearing this + thing shall never Happen Again.” If the doctor happened to go the door + when the grocery delivery wagon was there he would name the child “Boy + from Dixon's Grocery with a Codfish by the Tail and a Bag of Oatmeal,” or + if the ice man was the first object the doctor saw some beautiful girl + might go down to history with the name, “Pirate with a Lump of Ice About + as Big as a Solitaire Diamond.” Or suppose it was about election time, and + the doctor should look out, he might name a child that had a right to grow + up a minister, “Candidate for office so Full of Bug Juice that His Back + Teeth are Afloat;” or suppose he should look out and see a woman crossing + a muddy street, he might name a child “Woman with a Sealskin Cloak and a + Hole in Her Stocking going Down Town to Buy a Red Hat.” It wouldn't do at + all to name children the way Indians do, because the doctors would have + the whole business in their hands, and the directories are big enough now. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0094" id="link2H_4_0094"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ABOUT RAILROAD CONDUCTORS. + </h2> + <p> + About the time the Wisconsin Central conductors were being hauled over the + coals, some paper did a very unjust thing by insinuating that there was + about to be a general overhauling on the old established roads, and + carried the idea that there was crookedness among conductors who have been + trusted employees for more years than the reporters of the papers making + the insinuations have lived. + </p> + <p> + This is entirely wrong. It is well enough to joke conductors about + “dividing with the company,” and all that, and the conductors take such + jokes all right, and laugh about them, but when a serious charge is made + by a newspaper it is no joking matter. + </p> + <p> + Men who have held responsible positions for fifteen years under managers + who are the sharpest men in this country, are not apt to be crooked, and + we notice that when there is a chance they are promoted, and if they leave + the railroad it is always to enter into a better business, and they are + honored everywhere. + </p> + <p> + We hold that no man can occupy a position on one of our great railroads + for ten years if he is crooked. It would not pay a conductor to steal, if + he had the desire. They are all men of families, well connected, and many + of them have children grown up. Would they do an act that would bring + disgrace not only upon themselves but their relatives, wives, children, + and forever debar them from society for a paltry few dollars that they + could bilk a railroad company out of? The idea is preposterous, and an + insult to their intelligence. + </p> + <p> + As well say that the bookkeepers of our business houses, the managers of + our manufactories, were systematically stealing from employers. The + conductors have got sense. This talk about stealing is disgusting. You + send your wives and children off on a train liable to meet with accident. + The first thing you do if you are acquainted with the road is to find out + what conductor is going to run the train. If it is one you know, you feel + just as secure as though the wife and children were under the escort of + your brother. + </p> + <p> + You know that if anything happens the first thought of the conductor is + the safety of the women and children, at the expense of his own safety. + And when your loved ones come home safe, and you meet them at the train, + and the conductor stands upon the platform as the train backs into the + depot, looking at nobody, but his eye fixed upon the chances of accident, + you always feel as though you wanted to put your arm around him and say, + “Bully for you, old boy.” + </p> + <p> + If your wife gets out of money on a journey the conductor goes down into + his <i>own</i> pocket, and not into the railroad company's, and tells her + not to worry, as he hands her what money she wants. If your child is taken + sick on the journey, who but the conductor sees to sending a dispatch to + you quicker than lightning, and who brings a pillow in from the sleeper + and makes the little one as comfortable as he would his own little one at + home? + </p> + <p> + You appreciate these things at the time, but some day you will say, “How + can a man drive a fast horse on eighty dollars a month?” Then you think + you are smart. We will tell you. The conductors are pretty sharp business + men. They can't travel all the time, and come in contact with all the + world, and not be sharp. They see chances to make money outside of their + business. + </p> + <p> + For instance, one of them who is a good judge sees a horse at some + interior town that he knows is worth three times as much in Milwaukee or + Chicago as the owner asks for it. He would be a fool if he did not buy it. + We have known a conductor to make more money on two horse trades than his + salary would amount to for three months. Would you object to his doing it? + He did not neglect the business the company paid him to perform. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes a conductor feels in his inmost heart that the indications are + that wheat is going up. Is it any worse for him to take a deal in wheat + than it is for the deacon in his church? If he makes five hundred dollars + on the deal, and puts an addition on his house, is it the square thing for + you to say he stole it out of the company? Their knowledge of railroads + and business frequently gives them an idea that stocks are liable to go up + or down, and often they invest with good results. + </p> + <p> + We will take the chances with conductors, as square men, by the side of + any business men, and it makes us as mad as a wet hen to hear people talk + about their stealing. As well say that because one bank cashier steals + that they are all robbing the banks. Quit this, now. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0095" id="link2H_4_0095"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A HOT BOX AT A PICNIC. + </h2> + <p> + An Oshkosh young man started for a picnic in a buggy with two girls, and + when they got half way they got a hot box to the hind wheel of the buggy, + and they remained there all the afternoon pouring water on the wheel, + missing the picnic. There is nothing that will cause a hot box in a buggy + so quick as going to a picnic with girls. Particularly is this the case + when one has two girls. No young man should ever take two girls to a + picnic. He may think one cannot have too much of a good thing, and that he + holds over the most of the boys who have only one girl, but before the + picnic is over he will note the look of satisfaction on the faces of the + other boys as they stray off in the vernal shade, and he will look around + at his two girls as though his stomach was overloaded. We don't care how + attractive the girls are, or how enterprising a boy he is, or how + expansive or far-reaching a mind he has, he cannot do justice to the + subject if he has two girls. There will be a certain clashing of interests + that no young boy in his goslinghood, as most boys are when they take two + girls to a picnic, has the diplomacy to prevent. Now, this may seem a + trifling thing to write about and for a great pious paper to publish, but + there is more at the bottom of it than is generally believed. If we start + the youth of the land out right in the first place they will be all right, + but if they start out by taking two girls to a picnic their whole lives + are liable to become acidulated, and they will grow up hating themselves. + If a young man is good-natured and tries to do the fair thing, and a + picnic is got up, the rest of the boys are liable to play it on him. There + is always some old back number of a girl who has no fellow, who wants to + go, and the boys, after they all get girls and buggies engaged, will + canvass among themselves to see who shall take this extra girl, and it + always falls to the good-natured young man. He says of course there is + room for three in the buggy. Sometimes he thinks may be this old girl can + be utilized to drive the horse, and then he can converse with his own + sweet girl, with both hands, but in such a moment as ye think not he finds + out that the extra girl is afraid of horses, dare not drive, and really + requires some holding to keep her nerves quiet. The young man begins to + realize by this time that life is one great disappointment. He tries to + drive with one hand hand, and consoles his good girl, who is a little + cross at the turn affairs have taken, with the other, but it is a failure, + and finally his good girl says she will drive, and then he has to put an + arm around them both, which will give more or less dissatisfaction, the + best way you can fix it. If we had a boy that didn't seem to have any more + sense than to make a hat rack of himself to hang girls on in a buggy we + should labor with him and tell him of the agonies we had experienced in + youth, when the boys palmed off two girls on us to take to a country + picnic, and we believe we can do no greater favor to the young men who are + just entering the picnic of life than to impress upon them the importance + of doing one thing at a time, and doing it well. Start right at first, and + life will be one continued picnic buggy ride, but if your mind is divided + in youth you will always be looking for hot boxes and annoyance. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0096" id="link2H_4_0096"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BROKE UP A PRAYER MEETING. + </h2> + <p> + A few months ago the spectacle presented itself of a very respectable lady + of the Seventh Ward, wearing a black eye. There never was a case of + ante-election that was any more perfect than the one this lady carried. + </p> + <p> + We have seen millions of black eyes in our time, some of which were + observed in a mirror, but we never saw one that suggested a row any + plainer than the one the Seventh Ward lady wore. It was cut biased, that + being the latest style of black eye, and was fluted with purple and orange + shade, and trimmed with the same. Probably we never should have known + about the black eye had not the lady asked, as she held her hand over one + eye, if there was any truth in the story that a raw oyster would cure a + black eye. She came to us as an expert. When we told her that a piece of + beefsteak was worth two oysters she uncovered the eye. + </p> + <p> + It looked as though painted by one of the old masters. + </p> + <p> + Rather than have anybody think she had been having a row she explained how + it happened. She was sitting with her husband and little girl in the + parlor, and while the two were reading, the little one disappeared. The + mother went to the girl's room, on tip-toe, to see if she was asleep. She + found the girl with all her dolls on the floor, having a doll's prayer + meeting. She had them all down on their knees, and would let them pray one + at a time, then sing. One of the dolls that squeaked when pressed on the + stomach was leader of the singing, and the little girl bossed the job. + There was one old maid doll that the little girl seemed to be disgusted + with because the doll talked too much, and she would say: + </p> + <p> + “There, Miss, you sit down and let some of the other sisters get in a word + edgeways. Sister Perkins, won't you relate your experience?” + </p> + <p> + After listening to this for a few moments the mother heard the girl say: + </p> + <p> + “Now, Polly, you pass the collection plate, and nobody must put in + lozengers, and then we will all go to the dancing school.” + </p> + <p> + The whole thing was so ridiculous that the mother attempted to rush down + stairs three at a time, to have her husband come up to prayer meeting, + when she stubbed herself on a stair rod, and—well, she got the black + eye on the journey down stairs, though what hit her she will probably + never know. But she said when she began to roll down stairs she felt in + her innermost soul as though she had broke up that prayer meeting + prematurely. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0097" id="link2H_4_0097"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SHOOTING ON SUNDAY, WITH THE MOUTH. + </h2> + <p> + There is nothing in the world that is so beautiful as to see a sporting + man, one who loves to shoot the wild prairie chicken and chase the + bounding duck over the plains, have a respect for the Sabbath day. There + are too many of our sporting friends who, if they are out for a week's + shooting, forget that they should lay away the deadly breech loader on + Sunday, after oiling it, and busy themselves reading good books, or + loading cartridges. + </p> + <p> + However, we are proud to number among our acquaintances one sporting + gentleman who would sooner cut a dog in two than to hunt on Sunday. It is + related of him that on one occasion while in camp in a deer country, that + his hounds got after a buck one Sunday morning, and that our friend was so + incensed at the dogs that he seized his gun and shot one of the dogs dead, + besides wounding the deer, and that he had to follow the deer over four + miles before he could overtake the animal and put it out of its misery. + </p> + <p> + A wicked companion said that he shot at the deer and killed the dog + accidentally, but those who know Mr. Van Brunt would not believe the story + for a moment. Not long since this gentleman left his home at Horicon and + went to Owatonna, Minn., for a few weeks' hunt. He hunted a good deal in + town, and became somewhat acquainted with the fair sex as well as the + chickens and other ducks of the prairies. However, Sunday came, and while + the other wretches went out snooting on Sunday, our friend hied himself to + the Sabbath school. His presence was observed by a teacher, and he, by the + way, observed <i>her</i> presence, and being a stranger and a pious + looking man, she invited him to help her teach her class. He accepted, and + seated beside the fair teacher, he chipped in an occasional remark to the + class, while he looked into the soulful, pious eyes of the handsome + teacher. She introduced him to the superintendent as a pious young man + from Wisconsin, and the superintendent invited him to address the school. + </p> + <p> + It was new business to our friend, but he said he never had anything sawed + off onto him unless he stood it like a man, so he got up, with the girl's + eyes on him, and told the children the beautiful story of the cross, and + how Samson went up in a chariot of fire, and Adam was found in the + bullrushes by a Sunday school teacher, while he was shooting blue wing + teal, and how Noah and Sat Clark built an ark and coasted around Uoricon + lake and landed on Iron Ridge and sent out a canvas-back duck to see if + there was any living thing this side of Schleisingerville, and how the + duck came back with a sprig of wild celery in its bill which it had found + at Lake Koshkonong. + </p> + <p> + He told how the locusts came down on the democratic party and lected + Garfield, and counseled the children to be good and they would have a soft + thing. He said evil communications corrupted two of a kind, and they could + not be too careful with their pennies, and advised them to give up the + soul destroying habit of buying taffy, and try and lead a different life, + and put their money into the missionary box, where the wicked cease from + troubling, and give us a rest. + </p> + <p> + He would have gone on all the afternoon, only the superintendent of the + Sunday school told the children that the exercises would close with + “Little Drops of Water,” and our friend sat down and wiped the + perspiration from his brow. + </p> + <p> + The teacher said that his words had opened new beauties to her in the + Scriptures, though he was a little off on some of his statistics. He told + her, by way of apology, that she couldn't expect much religion from a man + that came from so strong a democratic county as Dodge county. This may be + all a lie, but if it is, we got it from one of the best liars of the + State. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0098" id="link2H_4_0098"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A WASHINGTON SURPRISE PARTY. + </h2> + <p> + When Mr. and Mrs. Hayes returned to Washington from the far west their + Ohio friends got up a surprise party for them. They had just retired for + the night, rather early on account of fatigue, when the door bell rung + violently. Mr. Hayes put on his pants, and throwing one suspender over his + shoulder and holding on to it with his hands, he went to the door and + asked who was there. On being answered that John Sherman was there, Mr. + Hayes supposed there was something important, and he opened the door. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Sherman came in with a market basket of sandwiches, followed by about + a hundred ladies and gentlemen, loaded down with articles usually taken to + surprise parties. Mr. Hayes was taken entirely by surprise, and as he + buttoned his trousers and tucked in his night shirt behind he said he + hoped they would excuse him for a moment till he went up stairs and put on + a collar and some stockings, and called Mrs. Hayes, who was in bed. + </p> + <p> + Matt Carpenter said never mind; he would call Mrs. Hayes, and he gave a + hop, skip and jump and went up stairs three at a time, followed by Mr. + Hayes, who was shivering from the contact of his bare feet with the oil + cloth in the hall. + </p> + <p> + “What is the trouble, Rutherford?” said Mrs. Hayes, as Mr. Carpenter + rushed into the room. + </p> + <p> + “Get up and dress yourself, you are surrounded, and escape is impossible.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Hayes screamed as she saw the bold buccaneer, pulled the bed clothes + over her head and said, “We are lost.” + </p> + <p> + At this point Hayes, who had got on a pair of woolen stockings, and was + buttoning on a paper collar, said: “I say, Matt, of course this is all + right, and I don't want you to be offended, but won't you just step out + into the hall so Mrs. Hayes can get her clothes on.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, to be sure,” said Matt, as he got up out of a rocking chair, on + which there were three skirts, a red petticoat, an emancipation corset, + and a pair of striped stockings with long suspenders arranged to button on + the waist, “of course I will go out, but you need not mind me. I am near + sighted.” + </p> + <p> + Matt went down stairs with the crowd, and when he was gone Mrs. Hayes got + her head out from under the clothes and wanted to know what the trouble + was, and if they could not fly. + </p> + <p> + Hayes told her not to be alarmed, as it was only one of those d—d + surprise parties. He said there were two hundred hungry people down + stairs, with baskets of sandwiches and pickles, and the chances were that + they would eat up everything there was in the house, and mash crumbs and + cold tongue into the carpet. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Hayes got up and sent Rutherford into the linen closet after a clean + white skirt, and he returned with a night gown and had to be sent back. + While she was taking her hair down out of the curl papers, and putting + bandoline over her ears, she gave Mr. Hayes her opinion of surprise + parties. She said that little shrimp, Alexander Stephens, would sit on the + piano keys, and knock his boot heels against the piano case, and that Dave + Davis would fall over the music rack, and sit down in her best rocking + chair and break it. + </p> + <p> + Just then she touched her nose with a curling iron that she had heated in + a gas jet, and screamed and woke Mr. Hayes up, and he wanted to know what + was the matter. She rolled over in bed, felt of her nose to see if it was + there, and told Mr. Hayes she had been dreaming there was a surprise party + came to the house. + </p> + <p> + He said: “My dear, I trust there is no such fate in store for us. You are + nervous. Try a little of that crab apple cider, and lay on your face, and + see if you can't go to sleep.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0099" id="link2H_4_0099"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DIFFERENCE IN CLOTHES. + </h2> + <p> + There is something about the practice of “practical joking” that is mighty + pleasant and enjoyable, if the joke is on somebody else. It was about six + years ago that we quit practical joking, and the reason was that the boys + played one on us that fairly broke our back. We had always been full of + it, and an opportunity to play a joke on a friend was a picnic for us, but + this time we had all the tuck taken out and fairly unraveled. + </p> + <p> + A party consisting of Hogan, Hatch, Root, Wood and Webb had been down from + La Crosse to the marshes shooting ducks for a week. We had prepared to + break camp and take the train to Brownsville at 2 o'clock, from which we + took a little steamer for La Crosse. + </p> + <p> + We were out shooting and did not get to camp until everything was packed + up, and just had time to catch the train with our hunting clothes on. The + rest of the fellows had been in camp an hour, and had put on their good + clothes, and washed up and looked like gentlemen, as they were, while we + looked like a tramp, which we were not. All got on the little steamboat, + and hugged around the boiler with the other passengers, for it was a cold + night. + </p> + <p> + We felt a little ashamed of the old hunting clothes that had been worn so + many years, and were covered with blood and dirt, but there was no chance + to change, and we sat down with the boys. Finally Root, who was the + biggest hector in the world, and a fine looking gentleman, turned to the + captain of the boat and said, pointing to us: + </p> + <p> + “I wish, captain, you would ask this red-headed muskrat trapper to sit on + the other side of me. He smells bad.” + </p> + <p> + If lightning had struck us we could not have been more astonished. The + passengers all looked at the dirty looking “muskrat trapper,” and stuck up + their noses. The captain asked us in a polite manner if we would not + please move and get on the “lee side” of the passengers. He said he didn't + mean any offence, but the smell of muskrats oftentimes made people sick. + </p> + <p> + Well, it was a pretty tight fix, but we forced a laugh and looked around + at the rest of the boys in a familiar way, and began talking to them. Not + a man of them would recognize us. The captain turned to Hogan and said, + “Is this a friend of yours?” Hogan put on a look of disgust, and said he + had never seen us before. “However,” says Jim, “he may be a very deserving + person of his class.” + </p> + <p> + The captain said we had better go to the other end of the boiler and lay + down with the dogs where it was warm. We tried to pass it off as a joke, + and turned to Hatch and tried to get into conversation with him about a + goose he had killed the day before, but he wouldn't have it. He said we + could get the smell out of our clothes by burying them, and then he went + on to tell how he shot a skunk once, and spoiled a suit of clothes. + </p> + <p> + We spoke to Colonel Wood, one of our party, as a last resort, and all he + said was to draw in his breath with a “Whoosh,” and put his handkerchief + to his nose. We never felt so mean in the world. The whole gang had + combined against us, and we got up to leave them, meditating revenge, when + Walt Webb said, “Let's throw the cuss overboard.” We went and laid down on + the valises, and tried to think of some way to get even with the boys, + when Root told the captain that they had got some valuables in those + valises, and they didn't want any tramp laying down on them, and he came + along and actually drove us off of our own valise. 4 + </p> + <p> + To make the matter still worse, a homely looking Norwegian dog that we had + borrowed to take on the hunt, and which was the worst looking brute that + ever was, and which had been the laughing stock of the camp for a week, at + this point came up to us, wagged his tail and followed us, and the boys + said, “Look at the dog the muskrat trapper owns.” That was the worst give + away. + </p> + <p> + We walked around on deck, and would occasionally stop and speak to one of + the boys, hoping they had given us enough and would relent, but all the + way to La Crosse not one of them would speak to us, and when the boat + arrived at the landing Root handed us a quarter, in the presence of the + passengers, and asked if we wouldn't help Mike Doyle, the cook, carry the + baggage ashore. + </p> + <p> + It was the worst joke we ever had perpetrated on us, and even after we got + ashore, and Hatch said, “Come, old sorrel top, let's go and get a glass of + beer,” we could hardly smile. Since then when we go hunting we wear the + best clothes we have got. + </p> + <p> + For years afterwards when fellows were joking, some of the party would ask + us “if the trapping was good this season.” We got so we could not look a + myskrat in the face. So we say that practical joking is splendid if it is + on the other fellow. Always quit when they get it on to you. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0100" id="link2H_4_0100"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A TEMPERANCE LECTURE THAT HURT. + </h2> + <p> + There was probably the most astonished temperance man up above Stevens + Point the other day that ever was. The name of the temperance man is + Sutherland. + </p> + <p> + He is a nice gentleman, but, like many another man, he can never see a + person with his keg full of bug juice without giving him a talking to. + </p> + <p> + The other day Sutherland was driving along the road when he overtook an + Indian who asked for a ride. He was allowed to get in the wagon, when + Sutherland discovered that the Indian had a breath that would stop a + temperance clock. He smelled like a sidewalk in front of a wholesale + liquor store. The Indian was comfortably full, so full that his back teeth + were floating. + </p> + <p> + Sutherland thought it was a good time to get in his work, so he began + talking to the Indian about the wickedness of looking upon the whisky when + it was bay, and when it giveth its color in the nose. He told the Indian + of the wrecked homes, the poverty, the disgrace and death that followed + the use of liquor, and wound up by pleading with him to give up his cups + and join the angel band and shout hosannas in a temperance lodge. The + Indian did not understand a word that Suthland was saying, but supposing + by the looks of his nose and pleading eyes that he wanted a drink, the + Indian drew a large black bottle from under his blanket and handed it to + Sutherland, remarking: “Ugh! Dam firewater.” + </p> + <p> + Sutherland thought that he had made a convert, and telling the Indian that + he was glad he had resolved to lead a different life, took the bottle and + dashed it upon the ground, smashing it into a thousand pieces. + </p> + <p> + Well, the air seemed full of Indians. If Sutherland had torn out the + Indian's heart he could not have hurt the red man worse. + </p> + <p> + With a war whoop the Indian jumped on the seat, took Sutherland by the + hair and yanked him out on the ground. Sutherland yelled and the Indian + galloped over him. The team ran away, and the Indian mauled Sutherland. He + cut open his face, italicised his nose, put a roof over his eye and felt + for his knife to stab him. + </p> + <p> + Sutherland got away and run to Stevens Point, where his wounds were bound + up. He says if any gentleman wants to take the job of reforming Indians he + will give up his situation. He meant well, but lacked judgment. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + An item in the La Crosse <i>Chronicle</i> says: “Two cats and a dog were + killed at the high school yesterday for inspection by the class in + physiology.” + </p> + <p> + In preparing the youth of the land for a business career there is nothing + that tends more to ripen the mind and to prepare it for overcoming the + obstacles that will naturally be found in after life than to learn to cut + a dog in two. + </p> + <p> + The ignorance of some of the business men of the present day is largely to + be attributed to the fact that the instructors of the youth in the olden + time never taught them how to carve a dog. How many times have we been in + positions since arriving at man's estate, when poring over some great + problem of science, where we would have given ten years of the front end + of our life if we knew how to make both ends meat, even if it was dog + meat? + </p> + <p> + The knowledge that the students of the present day obtain in their study + of the dog will be valuable to them if ever they are caught in a melon + patch, and a dog fastens his teeth into their garments. They will know how + to go to work scientifically to unhinge the jaws of a dog, instead of + pulling one way, while the dog pulls the other, until the cloth or the + skin tears out. + </p> + <p> + It will be a great thing to know all about how a dog is put together. And + if these students are taught how to kill cats they will more than get + their money back when they grow up. + </p> + <p> + Ignorant people who have never had the advantages of studying the cat when + it is dead, attempt to kill them with boot-jacks and empty ale bottles and + tomato cans, but the next generation will know how to do it + scientifically, and not hurt the cat. + </p> + <p> + This is certainly an age of improvement, and the <i>Sun</i> desires that + school children shall know all about the anatomy of the festive dog and + the nocturnal cat, if they don't even know how to spell their own names. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0101" id="link2H_4_0101"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BRAVERY OF MRS. GARFIELD + </h2> + <p> + The newspaper correspondents about the White House, echoing the remarks + made by the doctors, are continually talking of Mrs. Garfield's bravery, + and we frequently see the statement made that she is “the bravest woman in + the world,” and all that. While expressing great admiration for the gifted + lady, in the trying ordeal through which she has passed, and admitting + that she is brave as an American woman ought to be, and that by her + conduct she greatly braced up her beloved husband when his liver was + knocked around into the small of his back by the assassin's bullet, and he + didn't know whether he was going to live till morning, we must say that + Mrs. Garfield is no braver than thousands of other good women. + </p> + <p> + She simply took the chances on his dying, as thousands of other wives do + every day, and for his good she put on the best face possible, and kept + her tears back. But how many obscure women have done the same thing, as + they sat by the side of their dying husbands, and made the patient believe + that he was getting better, and smiled while their hearts were breaking? + Was Mrs. Garfield braver than the sister of charity, God bless her, who + goes from the North to nurse total strangers in a stricken southern city, + when she knows that within a week the deadly fever will kill her? + </p> + <p> + Compare the President's wife for a moment with the wife of a drunken + husband, who points a revolver at her heart, and his nervous finger on the + trigger, while he announces that he will kill her. The wife looks him in + the eye and says, “Kill me, John, but kiss me first,” and the drunken + brute breaks down and cries, and she takes the revolver from him, puts him + to bed, soaks his feet and brings him a good supper. That is bravery. + </p> + <p> + Think of a frail little woman whose life has been one bed of thorns, and + whose happy hours have been so few that if an hour seems to open to her + with happiness she dare not enjoy it for fear there is a mistake, and it + is not hers to enjoy. In the wreck of her life's ambitions and hopes she + has saved only a dear little girl and her heart is so bound up in her that + it ceases to beat when she thinks that God may forget that the little one + is all she has, and call her home. + </p> + <p> + One day the little one comes home with fever, takes to her bed, and for + weeks is just on the line between earth and heaven. The little mother, + hardly able to be upon her feet, believes as firmly as she believes that + she lives, that her darling will die, and that two hearts will be buried + in the coffin, and yet she watches beside her night and day with smiles on + her face, sings to her as though her heart were filled with happiness, and + occasionally gives expression to a jolly laugh, just to brace up her + little darling, and make her believe there is no danger, and when the + doctor says “she will live,” the brave little mother goes to her room and + cries for the first time, and faints away. + </p> + <p> + Ah, gentlemen correspondents, you do well to speak of the bravery of the + President's wife, but you know that these incidents we have related, and + incidents you have seen in your own experiences, show as great, if not + greater bravery and heroism than that of the first woman of the land. O, + the country is full of women who are braver than the bravest man that ever + walked. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0102" id="link2H_4_0102"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ILLUSTRATING THE ASSASSINATION. + </h2> + <p> + It is singular how a great calamity like the attempted assassination of + the President will bring people together on terms of familiarity, and + cause them to discuss things that they never knew anything about before. + People who never thought of such things before, except during the cucumber + season, have become familiar with their livers and internal improvements, + and talk as glibly of the abdomen, the umbilicus—as well as the cuss + who shot him—the peritonitis, the colon, the ilium, the diaphragm, + the alacumbumbletop and the diaphaneous cholagogue as though they had been + attending a Chicago meat cutting match at a students' dissecting room. Men + talk of little else, and this is noticeable more particularly among men + who have nothing to do. + </p> + <p> + There were two old men who loaf a good deal around a grocery, discussing + the wound of the President, and one was trying to illustrate to the other + how it was. He put on his glasses and took up a butter tryer and walked up + to a lady customer who was leaning over the counter smelling of some + boarding-house prunes. She was a large lady, and perhaps as good a subject + as could have been found. The first old man called the other up behind the + woman, and said: + </p> + <p> + “There, the assassin stood about as you do, and looked, probably, the same + as you do. Now, you take this spigot and point to the woman, about here—” + and he put the butter tryer on her back, near the belt. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I see,” said the second old man, as he nibbled a piece off a soda + cracker, and pointed the wooden spigot at the woman, with his finger on + the trigger. The woman was busy looking to see if there were any worms in + the prunes, and she didn't notice what was going on. + </p> + <p> + “There,” said the first old man, as he pushed the end of the butter tryer + a little harder against the woman. “The bullet went in here, and went + around here close to the liver, though probably it didn't touch the liver, + passed through the thin membrane, and is probably lodged in here,” and he + reached around the woman with his left hand to where her apron was tied + on. “Now, if they cannot extract the ball the great danger is from + peritonitis—” + </p> + <p> + At this point the woman observed what was going on, and she was about as + mad as a woman can be. Seizing a codfish that was on the head of a sugar + barrel by the tail she whacked the first old gent, who held the butter + tryer, over the head, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Peritonitis is beginning to set in, you bald-headed old villain, and + general prostration will be the result. I will teach you to put your arm + around me. I am no manikin. Do you take me for a dissecting room? Put down + that gun, you idiot,” said she, as she wafted the codfish toward the + second old man, who still held up the spigot. + </p> + <p> + The grocery man, who was cutting a cheese, came around the counter with + the cheese knife in his hand, and said he hoped there would be no more + bloodshed, and asked the old man to put down the butter tryer and go out. + The two old men went out on the sidewalk, when the woman told the grocery + man that no woman was safe a moment when those old reprobates were allowed + to run at large, and when she got so low down as to allow people to + practice assassination on her with wooden faucets and butter tryers she + would join a circus. When the two old men got out on the walk the second + one said to the first: + </p> + <p> + “Didn't you know the woman?” + </p> + <p> + “Know her? No. I didn't think it was necessary for a formal introduction + in a trying time like this, when we all want all the information we can + get about the great tragedy. There is no accommodation about some people. + But she has gone out now, so let us carry back the spigot and butter + tryer, and may be the grocery man will treat to the cider.” + </p> + <p> + And the two old setters went in and sat down on the barrels and talked + about how they had known people along in 1837 to be shot all to pieces and + recover. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0103" id="link2H_4_0103"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE INFIDEL AND HIS SILVER MINE. + </h2> + <p> + It is announced in the papers that Colonel Ingersoll, the dollar a ticket + infidel, has struck it rich in a silver mine, and is now worth a million + dollars. Here is another evidence of the goodness of God. Ingersoll has + treated God with the greatest contempt, called Him all the names he could + think of, called Him a liar, a heartless wretch, and stood on a stump and + dared God to knock a chip off his shoulder, and instead of God's letting + him have one below the belt and knocking seven kinds of cold victuals out + of him, God gives him a pointer on a silver mine, and the infidel rakes in + a cool million, and laughs in his sleeve, while thousands of poor workers + in the vineyard are depending for a livelihood on collections that pan out + more gun wads and brass pants buttons to the ton of ore than they do + silver. This may be all right, and we hope it is, and we don't want to + give any advice on anybody else's business, but it would please Christians + a good deal better to see that bold man taken by the slack of the pants + and lifted into a poor house, while the silver he has had fall to him was + distributed among the charitable societies, mission schools and churches, + so a minister could get his salary and buy a new pair of trousers to + replace those that he has worn the knees out of kneeling down on the rough + floor to pray. + </p> + <p> + It is mighty poor consolation to the ladies of a church society, to give + sociables, ice creameries, strawberry festivals and all kinds of things to + raise money to buy a carpet for a church or lecture room, and wash their + own dishes, and then hear that some infidel who is around the country + calling God a pirate and a horse thief, at a dollar a head, to full + houses, has miraculously struck a million dollar silver mine. + </p> + <p> + To the toiling minister who prays without ceasing, and eats codfish and + buys clothes at a second hand store, it looks pretty rough to see Bob + Inger-soll steered onto a million dollar silver mine. But it may be all + right, and we presume it is. Maybe God has got the hook in Bob's mouth, + and is letting him play around the way a fisherman does a black bass, and + when he thinks he is running the whole business, and flops around and + scares the other fish, it is possible Bob may be reeled in, and he will + find himself on the bottom of the boat with a finger and thumb in his + gills and a big boot on his paunch, and he will be compelled to disgorge + the hook and the bait and all, and he will lay there and try to flop out + of the boat, and wonder what kind of a game this is that is being played + on him. + </p> + <p> + Everything turns out right some time, and from what we have heard of God, + off and on, we don't believe He is going to let no ordinary man, bald + headed and apoplectic, carry off all the persimmons, and put his fingers + to his nose and dare the ruler of the universe to tread on the tail of his + coat. + </p> + <p> + Bob Ingersoll has got the bulge on all the Christians now, and draws more + water than anybody, but He who notes the sparrow's fall has no doubt got + an eye on the fat rascal, and some day will close two or three fingers + around Bob's throat, when his eyes will stick out so you can hang your hat + on them, and he will blat like a calf and get down on his knees and say: + </p> + <p> + “Please, Mr. God, don't choke so, and I will give it all back and go + around and tell the boys that I am the almightiest liar that ever charged + a dollar a head to listen to the escaping wind from a blown up bladder. O, + good God, don't hurt so. My neck is all chafed.” + </p> + <p> + And then he will die, and God will continue business at the old stand. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0104" id="link2H_4_0104"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GREAT MONOPOLIES. + </h2> + <p> + There is an association of old fossils at New York calling themselves the + “Anti-Monopoly League,” that has taken the job on their hands of saving + the country from eternal and everlasting ruin at the hands of the gigantic + monopolies, the railroads, and this league, through its President, L. E. + Chittenden, is sending editorials and extracts from speeches delivered by + great men who have been refused passes, or who have not been retained by + railroads to conduct law suits as much as they think they ought to be, to + newspapers all over the country requesting their publication. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Sun</i> gets its regular share of these documents each week, which + go into the waste basket with a regularity that is truly remarkable, + considering that we are not a railroad monopoly. But there is something so + ridiculous about these articles that one cannot help laughing. They claim + that the country is in the grasp of the gigantic monopolies, and that they + will choke the country to death and ruin everybody, though what the object + can be in running the country and everybody in it, is not stated. + </p> + <p> + These monopolies have taken the country when it was as weak as gruel, and + hoisted it by the slack of the pants to the leading position among + nations. The monopolies have built their track all over God's creation, + where land could not be given away, have hauled emigrants out there and + set them up in business, and made the waste land of the government + valuable. They have made transportation so cheap that the emigrant from + Germany of last year can send wheat from Dakota to the Fatherland, and + Bismarck and King William can get it cheaper than they can wheat grown + within a mile of their castles. + </p> + <p> + These monopolies that the played out nine-spot anti-monopoly leagues are + howling against have made the country what it is, and if there is anybody + in this country that don't like it, they can get emigrant tickets and go + to Germany or Norway and take the places of the men that the monopolies + are causing to settle here. Of course we could all run railroads better + than the owners run them, but as long as we have not got money enough to + buy them we better shut up our yap and let Jay Gould and his fellows do + what they please with their own, as long as they permit the country to + prosper as it is prospering now. The anti-monopoly leaguers had better go + to driving street cars. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0105" id="link2H_4_0105"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ANOTHER DEAD FAILURE. + </h2> + <p> + Again we are called upon to apologize to our readers for advertising what + we had reason to expect would occur at the time advertised, but which + failed to show up. We allude to the end of the world which was to have + taken place last Sunday. + </p> + <p> + It is with humility that we confess that we were again misled into + believing that the long postponed event would take place, and with others + we got our things together that we intended to take along, only to be + compelled to unpack them Monday morning. + </p> + <p> + Now this thing is played out, and the next time any party advertises that + the world will come to an end, we shall take no stock in it. And then it + will be just our luck to have the thing come to an end, when we are not + prepared. There is the worst sort of mismanagement about this business + somewhere, and we are not sure but it is best to allow God to go ahead and + attend to the closing up of earthly affairs, and give these fellows that + figure out the end of all things with a slate and pencil the grand bounce. + </p> + <p> + It is a dead loss to this country of millions of dollars every time there + is a prediction that the world will come to an end, because there are lots + of men who quit business weeks beforehand and do not try to earn a living, + but go lunching around. We lost over fifteen dollars' worth of advertising + last week from people who thought if the thing was going up the flue on + Sunday there was no use of advertising any more, and we refused twenty + dollars' worth more because we thought if that was the last paper we were + going to get out we might as well knock off work Friday and Saturday and + go and catch a string of perch. The people have been fooled about this + thing enough, and the first man that comes around with any more + predictions ought to be arrested. + </p> + <p> + People have got enough to worry about, paying taxes, and buying + strawberries and sugar, to can, without feeling that if they get a tax + receipt the money will be a dead loss, or if they put up a cellar full of + canned fruit the world will tip over on it and break every jar and bust + every tin can. + </p> + <p> + Hereafter we propose to go right along as though the world was going to + stay right side up, have our hair cut, and try and behave, and then if old + mother earth shoots off into space without any warning we will take our + chances with the rest in catching on to the corner of some passing star + and throw our leg over and get acquainted with the people there, and maybe + start a funny paper and split the star wide open. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0106" id="link2H_4_0106"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + OUR BLUE-COATED DOG POISONERS. + </h2> + <p> + “Papa, the cruel policeman has murdered little Gip! He sneaked up and + frowed a nice piece of meat to Gip, and Gip he eated it, and fanked the + policeman with his tail, and runned after him and teased for more, but the + policeman fought Gip had enough, and then Gip stopped and looked sorry he + had eaten it, and pretty soon he laid down and died, and the policeman + laughed and went off feeling good. If Dan Sheehan was the policeman any + more he wouldn't poison my dog, would he, pa?” + </p> + <p> + The above was the greeting the bald-headed <i>Sun</i> man received on + Thursday, and a pair of four-year-old brown eyes were full enough of tears + to break the heart of a policeman of many years' standing, and the little, + crushed master of the dead King Charles spaniel went to sleep sobbing and + believing that policemen were the greatest blot upon the civilization of + the nineteenth century. + </p> + <p> + Here was a little fellow that had from the day he first stood on his feet + after the scarlet fever had left him alive, been allowing his heart to + become entwined with love for that poor little dog. For nearly a year the + dog had been ready to play with the child when everybody else was tired + out, and never once had the dog been cross or backed out of a romp, and + the laughter and the barking has many a time been the only sound of + happiness in the neighborhood. + </p> + <p> + If the boy slept too long after dinner, the dog went and rooted around him + as much as to say, “Look a here, Mr. Roy, you can't play this on your + partner any longer. You get up here and we will have a high old time, and + don't you forget it.” And pretty soon the sound of baby feet and dog's toe + nails would be heard on the stairs, and the circus would commence. + </p> + <p> + If the dog slept too long of an afternoon, the boy would hunt him out, + take hold of his tail with one hand, and an ear with the other, and lug + him into the parlor, saying, “Gip, too much sleep is what is ruining the + dogs in this country. Now, brace up and play horse with me.” And then + there was fun. + </p> + <p> + Well, it is all over; but while we write there is a little fellow sleeping + on a tear-stained pillow, dreaming, perhaps, of a heaven where the woods + are full of King Charles' spaniel dogs, and a doorkeeper stands with a + club to keep out policemen. And still we cannot blame policemen—it + is the law that is to blame—the wise men who go to the legislature, + and make months with one day too much, pass laws that a dog shall be + muzzled and wear a brass check, or he is liable to go mad. Statistics show + that not one dog in a million ever goes mad, and that they are more liable + to go mad in winter than in summer; but several hundred years ago somebody + said that summer was “dog days,” and the law-makers of this enlightened + nineteenth century still insist on a wire muzzle at a season of the year + when a dog wants air and water, and wants his tongue out. + </p> + <p> + So we compel our guardians of the peace to go around assassinating dogs. + Men, who as citizens, would cut their hands off before they would injure a + neighbor's property, or speak harsh to his dog, when they hire out to the + city must stifle all feelings of humanity, and descend to the level of + Paris scavengers. We compel them to do this. If they would get on their + ears and say to the city of Milwaukee, “We will guard your city, and + protect you from insult, and die for you if it becomes necessary; but we + will see you in hades before we will go around assassinating dogs,” we as + a people, would think more of them, and perhaps build them a decent + station house to rest in. + </p> + <p> + The dog law is as foolish as the anti-treating law, and if it were not + enforced, no harm would be done. Our legislators have to pass about so + many laws anyway, and we should use our judgment about enforcing them. + </p> + <p> + But the dog is dead, and the little man meditates a terrible revenge. He + is going to have a goat that can whip a policeman, he says; then there + will be fun around the parsonage. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0107" id="link2H_4_0107"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AND HE ROSE UP AND SPAKE. + </h2> + <p> + As a general thing railroad men are “pretty fly,” as the saying is, and + not very apt to be scared. But a case occurred up on the La Crosse + division of the St. Paul road last week that caused a good deal of hair to + stand. + </p> + <p> + The train from St. Paul east runs to La Crosse, where all hands are + changed, and the new gang run to Chicago. On the trip of which we speak + there was placed in the baggage car at St. Paul a coffin, and at Lake City + a parrot in a cage was put in. Before the train got to Winona other + baggage was piled on top, so the coffin only showed one end, and the + parrot cage was behind a trunk, next to the barrel of drinking water, out + of sight, and where the cage would not get jammed. At La Crosse the hands + were changed, and conductor Fred Cornes, as 6:35 arrived, shouted his + cheery “All aboard,” and the train moved off. The coffin was seen by all + the men in the baggage car, and a solemnity took possession of everybody. + Railroad men never feel 'entirely happy when a corpse is on the train. + </p> + <p> + The run to Sparta was made, and Fred went to the baggage car, and noticing + the coffin and the mournful appearance of the boys, he told them to brace + up and have some style about them He said it was what we had all to come + to, sooner or later, and for his part a corpse or two, more or less, in a + car made no difference to him. He said he had rather have a car load of + dead people than go into an emigrant train when some were eating cheese + and others were taking off their shoes and feeding infants. + </p> + <p> + He sat down in a chair and was counting over his tickets, and wondering + where all the passes come from, when the Legislature is not in session. + The train was just going through the tunnel near Greenfield, and Fred + says. + </p> + <p> + “Boys, we are now in the bowels of the earth, way down deeper than a + grave. Whew! how close it smells.” + </p> + <p> + Just then the baggagemaster had taken a dipper of water from the barrel, + and was drinking it, when a sepulchral voice, that seemed to come from the + coffin, said: + </p> + <p> + “Dammit, let me out!” + </p> + <p> + The baggage man had his mouth fall of water, and when he heard the voice + from the tombs, he squirted the water clear across the car, onto the + express messenger, turned pale, and leaned against a trunk. + </p> + <p> + Fred Cornes heard the noise, and, chucking the tickets into his pocket and + grabbing his lantern, he said, as he looked at the coffin: + </p> + <p> + “Who said that! Now, no ventriloquism on me, boys. I'm an old traveler, + and don't you fool with me.” + </p> + <p> + The baggage man had by this time got his breath, and he swore upon his + sacred honor that the corpse in there was alive, and asked to be let out. + </p> + <p> + Fred went out of the car to register at Greenfield, and the express + messenger opened the door to put out some egg cases, and the baggage man + pulled out a trunk. He was so weak he couldn't lift it. They were all as + pale as a whitewashed fence. + </p> + <p> + After the train left Greenfield they all gathered in the car and listened + at a respectful distance from the coffin. All was as still as a car can be + that is running twenty-five miles an hour. They gathered a little nearer, + but no noise, when Cornes said they were all off their base, and had + better soak their heads. + </p> + <p> + “You fellows are overworked, and are nervous, The company ought to give + you a furlough, and pay your expenses to the sea shore.” + </p> + <p> + Just then there was a rustling as if somebody had rolled over in bed and a + voice said, as plainly as possible: + </p> + <p> + “O, how I suffer!” + </p> + <p> + If a nitro-glycerine bomb had exploded there could not have been more + commotion. The express man rushed forward, and was going to climb over + into the tender of the engine, the baggage man started for the emigrant + car to see if there was anybody from the place in Germany that his hired + girl came from, and Cornes happened to think that he had not collected + fare from an Indian that got on at Greenfield with a lot of muskrat skins. + In less than four seconds the corpse and parrot were the sole occupants of + the car. The three train men and a brakeman met in the emigrant car and + looked at each other. + </p> + <p> + They never said a word for about two minutes, when Fred opened the ball. + He said there was no use of being scared, if the man was dead he was not + dangerous, and if he was alive the four of them could whip him, if he + undertook to run things. What they were in duty bound to do was to let him + out. No man could enjoy life screwed down in a sarcophagus like that. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” says Cornes, “there is a doctor from Milwaukee in the sleeper. I + will go and ask him to come in the baggage car, and you fellows go in and + pull the trunks off that coffin, and we will take a screw driver and a + can-opener and give the man air. That's doing as a fellow would be done + by.” + </p> + <p> + So he went and got the doctor and told him he had got a case for him. He + wanted him to practice on a dead man. The doctor put on his pants and + overcoat, and went with Fred. As they came into the baggage car the boys + were lifting a big trunk off the coffin, when the voice said: + </p> + <p> + “Go easy. Glory hallelujah!” + </p> + <p> + Then they all turned pale again, but all took hold of the baggage and + worked with a will, while the doctor held a screw driver he had fished out + of a tool box. + </p> + <p> + The doctor said the man was evidently alive, but the chances were that he + might die from suffocation before they could unscrew all the screws of the + outside box and the coffin, and he said he didn't know but the best way + would be to take an ax and break it open. + </p> + <p> + Fred said that was his idea, and he was just going for the ax when the + brakeman moved the water barrel, tipped over the parrot cage, and the + parrot shook himself and looked mad and said. “There, butterfingers! Polly + wants a cracker.” + </p> + <p> + Cornes had just come up with the axe, and was about to tell the brakeman + to chop the box, when the parrot spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Well, by——-,” said the baggageman. The doctor laughed, the + brakeman looked out the door to see how the weather was, and the conductor + said, “I knew it was a parrot all the time, but you fellows were so + anxious to chop into the box that I was going to let you. I never saw a + lot of men with so much curiosity.” Then they all united in trying to + bribe the doctor not to tell the story in Milwaukee. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0108" id="link2H_4_0108"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + GOT IN THE WRONG PEW. + </h2> + <p> + When the Young Men's Christian Association left our bed and board, without + just cause or provocation, and took up its abode in Bon Accord Hall, we + felt as though we had been bereaved of a fruitful source of items, and at + first we were inclined to advertise the association, and warn dealers not + to trust them on our account, as their credit was as good as ours, but + almost every day we hear of something that will do to write up. + </p> + <p> + The new hall of the association was formerly used by Prof. Sherman as a + dancing academy, and the other night when young Mr. Collingbourne agreed + to go around to the dancing school and escort a lady friend home, about + half past nine, he did not know of the change. At the appointed time he + went to the place he had always found the dancing school, and at the + bottom of the stairs he met a solemn looking sort of person who handed him + a circular and said, “Come in, brother, and partake freely of the waters + of life.” + </p> + <p> + “You bet your boots,” says Collingbourne, as he threw his cigar into the + street, “but don't we get anything but water?” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Collingbourne is the last man in the world who would appear + irreverent, but he thought it was a dancing school, and when a mournful + looking man on the first landing took him by the arm and said, “Come all + ye who are weary and heavy laden,” he felt that there was an effort being + made to snatch his watch, so he jerked away from the brother and told him + he didn't want any taffy, and if he wasn't careful he would get kicked so + his head would ache. + </p> + <p> + The good brother thought Collingbourne was a brand that it would be + creditable to pluck from the burning, so he followed him up stairs, + telling him there was salvation for all, only to meet with the reply that + he better mind his own business or he would get salivated so his folks + would not know him. + </p> + <p> + At the top of the stairs he met two men that he had never seen at the + dancing school, and he felt as though he was being cornered for no good, + as the other fellow had closed in on his rear. The two new brothers each + took hold of one of his hands, and were telling him how glad they were + that he had shown a disposition to turn over a new leaf and try to lead a + different life, and they began to picture to him the beauty of faith, when + he backed up against the railing and said, “I don't know who you fellows + are, but you have tackled the wrong boy. I have been brought up in this + town, and I know all the games, and you can't get me on any racket,” and + then he looked at the door, as the piano sounded the beautiful tune, “From + Greenland's Icy Mountains,” and asked, “What time does the cotillion break + up?” The good brother told him it was early yet, and “while the lamp holds + out to burn, the vilest sinner may return.” + </p> + <p> + The visitor said he would go in, he guessed, and shake his foot once, just + for luck, and he opened the door. Such a sight met his eyes as he never + saw in a dancing school before. The whole congregation nearly, was on its + knees, and a good man was offering up a prayer that was indeed beautiful. + Collingborne began to sweat in three different languages, but being a + gentleman who had the most unbounded respect for religion in all its + forms, he uncovered his head and bowed reverently while the prayer was + being uttered. + </p> + <p> + When it was through he turned to one of the truly good people in the hall, + that had watched his devotion, and said, “Say, boss, this is evidently a + new scheme. I thought this was Sherman's dancing school. You must excuse + my seeming irreverence. If you will kick me down stairs I will consider it + a special dispensation of providence,” and he went down into the wicked + world and asked a policeman where the dancing school was. All the way home + the lady friend asked him what made him so solemn, but he only said his + boots fit him too quick. He never goes to a dancing school now without + finding out if it is there yet. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0109" id="link2H_4_0109"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PALACE CATTLE CARS. + </h2> + <p> + The papers are publishing accounts of the arrival east of a train of + palace cattle cars, and illustrating how much better the cattle feel after + a trip in one of these cars, than cattle did when they made the journey in + the ordinary cattle cars. + </p> + <p> + As we understand it the cars are fitted up in the most gorgeous manner, in + mahogany and rosewood, and the upholstering is something perfectly grand, + and never before undertaken except in the palaces of the old world. + </p> + <p> + As you enter the car there is a reception room, with a few chairs, a + lounge and an ottoman, and a Texas steer gently waves you to a seat with + his horns, while he switches off your hat with his tail. If there is any + particular cow, or steer, or ox, that you wish to see, you give your card + to the attendant steer, and he excuses himself and trots off to find the + one you desire to see. You do not have long to wait, for the animal + courteously rises, humps up his or her back, stretches, yawns, and with + the remark, “the galoot wants to interview me, probably, and I wish he + would keep away,” the particular one sought for comes to the reception + room and puts out its front foot for a shake, smiles and says, “Glad you + came. Was afraid you would let us go away and not call.” + </p> + <p> + Then the cow or steer sits down on its haunches and the conversation flows + in easy channels. You ask how they like the country, and if they have good + times, and if they are not hard worked, and all that; and they yawn and + say the country is splendid at this season of the year, and that when + passing along the road they feel as though they would like to get out in + some meadow, and eat grass and switch flies. + </p> + <p> + The steer asks the visitor if he does not want to look through the car, + when he says he would like to if it is not too much trouble. The steer + says it is no trouble at all, at the same time shaking his horns as though + he was mad, and kicking some of the gilding off of a stateroom. + </p> + <p> + “This,” says the steer who is doing the honors, “is the stateroom occupied + by old Brindle, who is being shipped from St. Joseph, Mo. Brindle weighs + 1,600 on foot—Brindle, get up and show yourself to the gentleman.” + </p> + <p> + Brindle kicks off the red blanket, rolls her eyes in a lazy sort of way, + bellows, and stands up in the berth, humps up her back so it raises the + upper berth and causes a heifer that is trying to sleep off a debauch of + bran mash, to kick like a steer, and then looks at the interviewer as much + as to say, “O, go on now and give us a rest.” Brindle turns her head to a + fountain that is near, in which Apollinaris water is flowing, perfumed + with new mown hay, drinks, turns her head, and licks her back, and stops + and thinks, and then looking around as much as to say, “Gentlemen, you + will have to excuse me,” lays down with her head on a pillow, pulls the + coverlid over her and begins to snore. + </p> + <p> + The attendant steer steers the visitor along the next apartment, which is + a large one, filled with cattle in all positions. One is lying in a + hammock, with her feet on the window, reading the Chicago <i>Times</i> + article on “Oleomargerine, or Bull Butter,” at intervals stopping the + reading to curse the writer, who claims that oleomargarine is an unlawful + preparation, containing deleterious substances. + </p> + <p> + A party of four oxen are seated around a table playing seven-up for the + drinks, and as the attendant steer passes along, a speckled ox with one + horn broken, orders four pails full of Waukesha water with a dash of + oatmeal in it, “and make it hot,” says the ox, as he counts up high, low, + jack and the game. + </p> + <p> + Passing the card players the visitor notices an upright piano, and asks + what that is for, and the attendant steer says they are all fond of music, + and asks if he would not like to hear some of the cattle play. He says he + would, and the steer calls out a white cow who is sketching, and asks her + to warble a few notes. The cow seats herself on her haunches on the piano + stool, after saying she has such a cold she can't sing, and, besides, has + left her notes at home in the pasture. Turning over a few leaves with her + forward hoof, she finds something familiar, and proceeds to walk on the + piano keys with her forward feet and bellow, “Meat me in the + slaughterhouse when the due bill falls,” or something of that kind, when + the visitor says he has got to go up to the stock yards and attend a + reception of Colorado cattle, and he lights out. + </p> + <p> + We should think these parlor cattle cars would be a success, and that + cattle would enjoy them very much. It is said that parties desiring to + charter these cars for excursions for human beings, can be accommodated at + any time when they are not needed to transport cattle, if they will give + bonds to return them in as good order as they find them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0110" id="link2H_4_0110"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DUCK OR NO DINNER. + </h2> + <p> + There is nothing that gives pious people more annoyance than to hear + shooting on Sunday on some adjacent marsh while they are worshipping, and + there is nothing much more annoying to wicked Sunday, hunters than to have + ducks fly habitually in the vicinity of a church. + </p> + <p> + Winneconne, up on the Wolf river, is about evenly divided between-church + going people and those who take more pleasure in standing behind a shot + gun. When ducks fly about Winneconne in the Spring they follow the river + up and down, and the bridge in town is a favorite place for hunters to + stand and pepper the ducks with shot. + </p> + <p> + One Sunday about three weeks ago the ducks were flying terrible, and when + the bell rung for church the bridge was pretty well covered with hunters, + and many worshippers entered the church hard by with the smell of powder + in their spring bonnets. The hunters were so interested in the ducks of + the air that they did not notice the ducks on the way to church. + </p> + <p> + Finally the church people all got seated and the minister gave them an + excellent sermon, which was only occasionally interrupted by the good man + dodging down behind the pulpit to escape a stray charge of No. 4 shot + which came through the open window. No complaint was made, and no + sarcastic remarks were made about the wicked men who were out of meat, and + were shooting up a little for dinner, though there were silent prayers + offered for the Sabbath breakers. + </p> + <p> + At last the services were over, and the chair was singing, “A charge to + keep I have,” as the minister was picking some duck shot out of his + trousers, when there was a commotion. A wounded duck had fallen on the + door step of the church and being only “winged” had fluttered into the + church, and crawled under the seats, when a couple of retriever dogs + belonging to a German rushed into the sacred edifice and went howling + under the seats after the duck, while the owner's voice could be heard + outside yelling, “Rouse mit em!” + </p> + <p> + Well, some of them, those who had clock work stockings, held their feet up + in the air to get them away from the dogs, while others jumped up on the + pews and yelled bloody murder. Some went for the windows, and a brakeman + tells us that the senior deacon fainted away. + </p> + <p> + The dogs retrieved the duck, and as the congregation came out of the + church the German went down toward the bridge wringing the neck of the + duck and kicking the dogs for not having more sense than to go right into + a church during service. + </p> + <p> + The hunters of Winneconne should be talked to by the presiding elder. They + do very wrong to shoot on Sunday. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0111" id="link2H_4_0111"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GUINEA PIG. + </h2> + <p> + Nobody knows who is to blame for bringing the first Guinea pig to this + country, but certainly he didn't do anything very creditable. A Guinea pig + does not know anything, and never-learns anything. It is quite a neat + little plaything for children, and if it had any sense would become a pet, + but it never learns a thing. + </p> + <p> + A lady living near a theatre in this city bought a Guinea pig in Chicago + recently and brought it home, and it has been in the family ever since, + and it has never learned anything except when it is hungry it goes to the + lady and nibbles her foot, and how it learned that nobody knows. + </p> + <p> + One day it got away and strayed into the theatre, where it ran around + until the audience got seated for the evening performance, when the pig + began to fool around under the seats, probably looking for the lady that + owned it. On the front row in the dress circle was a young man and woman + from Waukesha. Whether the Guinea pig mistook the girl for its owner or + not is not positively known, but the animal was seen to go under the seat + occupied by the young woman. + </p> + <p> + Her attendant was leaning over her shoulder whispering in her ear, when + suddenly she jumped about two feet high, and grabbed her dress with both + hands. Her feller had his chin scratched by a pin that held a bow on her + shoulder, and as he wiped it off he asked her, as she came down into the + seat again, if she had them often. + </p> + <p> + A bald-headed citizen who sat next to her looked around at the woman in + astonishment, and took up his overcoat and moved to another seat. She + looked sassy at the bald-headed man, and told her escort the man had + insulted her. He said he would attend to the man after the show was out. + </p> + <p> + About three seats further down toward the stage there was a girl from the + West Side, with a young fellow, and they were very sociable. Suddenly he + leaned over to pick up a programme he had dropped, just as the Guinea pig + nibbled her instep. She drew herself away from her escort, blushing, and + indignation depicted on every feature, looked the other way, and would not + speak to him again during the whole evening. He thought she was flirting + with somebody else, and he was mad, and they sat there all the evening + looking as though they were married. + </p> + <p> + The Guinea pig went on down the row, and presently another woman hopped up + clear out of the seat, said, “For heaven's sake what was that?” and looked + around at a man who sat in the seat behind her as though she could eat him + raw. + </p> + <p> + Just before the curtain rose the pig got into a lady's rubber and went to + sleep, and when the performance was over and she went to put on the shoe, + she screamed a little and jumped up on the seat, and said something about + rats, which brought an usher to her assistance, and he took the Guinea pig + and sent it to its owner. For a few minutes there was almost as much + commotion as there would be at a picnic if a boy should break up a nest of + hornets. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0112" id="link2H_4_0112"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FAILURE OF A SOLID INSTITUTION. + </h2> + <p> + We are astonished to see that a Boston dealer in canned goods has failed. + If there is one branch of business that ought to be solid it is that of + canning fruits and things, for there must be the almightiest profit on it + that there is on anything. It must be remembered that the stuff is canned + when it is not salable in its natural state. + </p> + <p> + If the canners took tomatoes, for instance, when they first came around, + at half a dollar for six, and canned them, there would be some excuse for + charging twenty-five cents for a tin thing full, but they wait until the + vines are so full of tomatoes that the producer will pay the cartage if + you will haul them away, and then the tomatoes are dipped into hot water + so the skin will drop off, and they are chucked into cans that cost two + cents each, and you pay two shillings for them, when you get hungry for + tomatoes. The same way with peas, and peaches, and everything. + </p> + <p> + Did you ever try to eat canned peas? They are always old back numbers that + are as hard and tasteless as chips, and are canned after they have been + dried for seed. We bought a can of peas once for two shillings and + couldn't crack them with a nut cracker. But they were not a dead loss, as + we used them the next fall for buck shot. Actually, we shot a coon with a + charge of those peas, and he came down and struck the water, and died of + the cholera morbus the next day. + </p> + <p> + Talk of canned peaches; in the course of a brilliant career of forty years + we have never seen only six cans of peaches that were worth the powder to + blast them open. A man that will invent a can opener that will split open + one of these pale, sickly, hard hearted canned peaches, that swim around + in a pint of slippery elm juice in a tin can, has got a fortune. And they + have got to canning pumpkin, and charging money for it. + </p> + <p> + Why, for a dollar a canning firm can buy pumpkins enough to fill all the + tin cans that they can make in a year, and yet they charge a fellow twenty + cents for a can of pumpkin, and then the canning establishment fails. It + must be that some raw pumpkin has soured on the hands of the Boston firm, + or may be, and now we think we are on the right track to ferret out the + failure, it may be that the canning of Boston baked beans is what caused + the stoppage. + </p> + <p> + We had read of Boston baked beans since school days, and had never seen + any till four years ago, when we went to a picnic and bought a can to take + along. We new how baked beans ought to be cooked from years' experience, + but supposed the Boston bean must hold over every other bean, so when the + can was opened and we found that every bean was separate from every other + bean, and seemed to be out on its own recognizance, and that they were as + hard as a flint, we gave them to the children to play marbles with, and + soured on Boston baked beans. Probably it was canning Boston beans that + broke up the canning establishment. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + The Decoration Day exercises at Appleton were somewhat marred by a + discussion as to whether the graves of Confederate soldiers should be + decorated, and one man—Prof. Sawyer—a soldier who lost a leg + in the army, said that if anybody should attempt to decorate a rebel + soldier's grave in his vicinity, it would have to be done over his—Sawyer's—dead + body. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding this heartrending recital, the graves of rebel soldiers in + many places in this state and throughout the north, were decorated by + Union soldiers. What hurt does it do to throw a few flowers on the clay + that covers one who was once your enemy? Nobody thinks less of the Union + soldier for it, and it would make the southern mother or sister of the + dead boy feel so much better to know that kind hands at the north had done + a noble act. + </p> + <p> + Suppose this Professor Sawyer had been killed and buried down south, and + the Confederate people should be decorating the graves of their own dead, + and they should throw a few flowers on his grave, and some hot-headed + vindictive rebel should get on his ear and say that the man who laid that + bouquet on the Yankee's grave would have to take it off or fight. The + professor, if he laid there and heard it, would feel like getting out of + the grave, and taking a crutch and mauling the liver out of the bigoted + rebel. + </p> + <p> + It is not the rebel's cause that we decorate, but we put a few flowers + above his remains to show the people who loved him at home, that there is + nothing so confounded mean about us after all, and that we do as we would + be done by, and that while we were mad, and sassy, and full of fight, + eighteen years ago, we want to be friends, and shake hands over the + respective graves of our loved ones, and quit making fools of ourselves. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + A Ridiculous scene occurred a Palmyra, the other day. The furnace in the + basement of the church is reached by a trap door, which is right beside + the pulpit. There was a new preacher there from abroad, and he did not + know anything about the trap door, and the sexton went down there to fix + the fire, before the new minister arrived. The minister had just got + warmed up in his sermon, and was picturing to his hearers hell in all its + heat. He had got excited and told of the lake of burning brimstone below, + where the devil was the stoker, and where the heat was ten thousand times + hotter than a political campaign, and where the souls of the wicked would + roast, and fry, and stew until the place froze over. + </p> + <p> + Wiping the perspiration from his face, he said, pointing to the floor, + “Ah, my friends, look down into that seething, burning lake, and—” + Just at this point the trap door raised a little, and the sexton's face, + with coal smut all over it, appeared. He wanted to come up and hear the + sermon. + </p> + <p> + If hell had broke loose, the new minister could not have been more + astonished. He stepped back, grasped his manuscript, and was just about to + jump from the pulpit, when a deacon on the front seat said, “It's all + right, brother, he has only <i>been down below to see about the fire.</i>” + The sexton came up and shut down the trap door, the color came back to the + face of the minister, and he went on, though the incident seemed to take + the tuck all out of him. + </p> + <p> + A traveling man who happened to be at the church tells us that he knows + the minister was scared, for he sweat so that the perspiration run right + down on the carpet and made a puddle as though a dipper of water had been + tipped over there. The minister says he was not scared, but we don't see + how he could help it. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Sunshine, by George W. 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Peck + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Sunshine, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Peck's Sunshine + Being a Collection of Articles Written for Peck's Sun, + Milwaukee, Wis. - 1882 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25491] +Last Updated: October 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S SUNSHINE *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img alt="cover (73K)" src="images/cover.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img alt="titlepage (38K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h1> + PECK'S SUNSHINE + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By George W. Peck + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h4> + Being a Collection of Articles Written for Peck's Sun, Milwaukee, Wis.,<br /> + Generally Calculated to Throw Sunshine Instead of Clouds on the Faces<br /> + of Those Who Read Them. + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h5> + Belford, Clarke & Co. - 1882. + </h5> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> “NOT GUILTY.” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> PECK'S SUNSHINE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> FEMALE DOCTORS WILL NEVER DO. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> CROSSMAN'S GOAT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> A MEAN TRICK. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> A FEMALE KNIGHT OF PYTHIAS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> THE TELESCOPE FISH-POLE CANE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> AN ARM THAT IS NOT RELIABLE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> BOUNCED FROM CHURCH FOR DANCING. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> POLICE SEARCHING WOMEN. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> ABOUT HELL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> UNSCREWING THE TOP OF A FRUIT JAR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> BUTTERMILK BIBBERS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> AN ÆSTHETIC FEMALE CLUB BUSTED. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> FOOLING WITH THE BIBLE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> COLORED CONCERT TROUPES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> COULDN'T GET AWAY FROM HIM. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> DOGS AND HUMAN BEINGS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> ARTHUR WILL KEEP A COW. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> SHALL THERE BE HUGGING IN THE PARKS? </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> THE BOB-TAILED BADGER. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> CANNIBALS AND CORK LEGS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> THE MINISTERIAL PUGILISTS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> MUSIC ON THE WATERS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> WOMAN-DOZING A DEMOCRAT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> A LIVELY TRAIN LOAD. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> HOW SHARPER THAN A HOUND'S TOOTH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> A SEWING MACHINE GIVEN TO THE BOSS GIRL. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> DON'T APPRECIATE KINDNESS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> RELIGION AND FISH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> A DOCTOR OF LAWS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> THE DIFFERENCE IN HORSES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> ADDICTED TO LIMBURG CHEESE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> TERRIBLE TIME ON THE CARS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> CHANGED SATCHELS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> THE NAUGHTY BUT NICE CHURCH CHOIR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> SENSE IN LITTLE BUGS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> SUMMER RESORTING. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> THE GOSPEL CAR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> INCIDENTS AT THE NEWHALL HOUSE FIRE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> THE WAY WOMEN BOSS A PILLOW. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> THE DEADLY PAPER BAG </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> THE VIRGINIA DUEL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> THE DIFFERENCE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> SPURIOUS TRIPE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> A CASE OF PARALYSIS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> MALE AND FEMALE MASHING. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> THE USES OF THE PAPER BAG. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> THE NEW COAL STOVE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> A COLD, CHEERLESS RIDE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> SOME TALK ABOUT MONOPOLIES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> A BALD-HEADED MAN MOST CRAZY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0053"> ACCIDENTS AND INCIDENTS AT THEATRES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> ALL ABOUT A SANDWICH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> GOODWILL AND COMPASSION. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> THE FEMALE BURGLAR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> THE GIRL THAT WAS HUGGED TO DEATH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> OUR CHRISTIAN NEIGHBORS HAVE GONE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> THE SUDDEN FIRE-WORKS AT RACINE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> YOUNG FOOLS WHO MARRY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> LARGE MOUTHS ARE FASHIONABLE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> LOOKING FOR A MOOLEY COW. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0063"> THE HARMFUL HAMMOCK. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> BOYS AND CIRCUSES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> A TRYING SITUATION. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0066"> THE KIND OF A DOCTOR TO HAVE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ABE TALKING + ABOUT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> A KANSAS CYCLONE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> HOW JEFF DAVIS WAS CAPTURED. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> THOSE BOLD, BAD DRUMMERS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> ANGELS OR EAGLES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> AN ACCIDENT ALL ABOUND. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0073"> PRIZE FIGHTING AND MORMONISM. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0074"> MISDEAL IN A SLEEPING CAR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0075"> PARALYSIS IN A THEATRE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0076"> THE QUEEREST NAME. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0077"> CHURCH KENO. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0078"> THE ADVENT PREACHER AND THE BALLOON. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0079"> THE CAUSE OF RHEUMATISM. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0080"> HOW A GROCERY MAN WAS MAIMED. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0081"> CAMP MEETING IN THE DARK OF THE MOON. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0082"> ANOTHER VIEW OF THE CASK </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0083"> THE PIOUS DEACON AND THE WORLDLY COW. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0084"> THE QUESTION OF CATS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0085"> THE KNIGHT AND THE BRIDAL CHAMBER. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0086"> THE HOUSE GIRL RACE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0087"> THE TROUBLE MR. STOREY HAS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0088"> TRAGEDY ON THE STAGE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0089"> THE MISTAKE ABOUT IT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0090"> THE MAN FROM DUBUQUE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0091"> THE GIDDY GIRLS QUARREL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0092"> DON'T LEAVE YOUR GUM AROUND. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0093"> THE WAY TO NAME CHILDREN. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0094"> ABOUT RAILROAD CONDUCTORS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0095"> A HOT BOX AT A PICNIC. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0096"> BROKE UP A PRAYER MEETING. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0097"> SHOOTING ON SUNDAY, WITH THE MOUTH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0098"> A WASHINGTON SURPRISE PARTY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0099"> THE DIFFERENCE IN CLOTHES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0100"> A TEMPERANCE LECTURE THAT HURT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0101"> BRAVERY OF MRS. GARFIELD </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0102"> ILLUSTRATING THE ASSASSINATION. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0103"> THE INFIDEL AND HIS SILVER MINE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0104"> THE GREAT MONOPOLIES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0105"> ANOTHER DEAD FAILURE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0106"> OUR BLUE-COATED DOG POISONERS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0107"> AND HE ROSE UP AND SPAKE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0108"> GOT IN THE WRONG PEW. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0109"> PALACE CATTLE CARS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0110"> DUCK OR NO DINNER. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0111"> THE GUINEA PIG. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0112"> FAILURE OF A SOLID INSTITUTION. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + “NOT GUILTY.” + </h2> + <p> + Gentlemen of the Jury: I stand before you charged with an attempt to + “remove” the people of America by the publication of a new book, and I + enter a plea of “Not Guilty.” While admitting that the case looks strong + against me, there are extenuating circumstances, which, if you will weigh + them carefully, will go far towards acquitting me of this dreadful charge. + The facts are that I am not responsible, I was sane enough up to the day + that I decided to publish this book and have been since; but on that + particular day I was taken possession of by an unseen power—a + Chicago publisher-who filled my alleged mind with the belief that the + country demanded the sacrifice, and that there would be money in it. If + the thing is a failure, I want it understood that I was instigated by the + Chicago man; but if it is a success, then, of course, it was an + inspiration of my own. + </p> + <p> + The book contains nothing but good nature, pleasantly told yarns, jokes on + my friends; and, through it all, there is not intended to be a line or a + word that can cause pain or sorrow-nothing but happiness. + </p> + <p> + Laughter is the best medicine known to the world for the cure of many + diseases that mankind is subject to, and it has been prescribed with + success by some of our best practitioners. It opens up the pores, and + restores the circulation of the blood, and the despondent patient that + smiles, is in a fair way to recovery. While this book is not recommended + as an infallible cure for consumption, if I can throw the patient into the + blues by the pictures, I can knock the blues out by vaccinating with the + reading matter. + </p> + <p> + To those who are inclined to look upon the bright side of life, this book + is most respectfully dedicated by the author. + </p> + <p> + GEO. W. PECK. Milwaukee, Wis., + </p> + <p> + March, 1882. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + PECK'S SUNSHINE. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FEMALE DOCTORS WILL NEVER DO. + </h2> + <p> + A St. Louis doctor factory recently turned out a dozen female doctors. As + long as the female doctors were confined to one or two in the whole + country, and these were experimental, the <i>Sun</i> held its peace, and + did not complain; but now that the colleges are engaged in producing + female doctors as a business, we must protest, and in so doing will give a + few reasons why female doctors will not prove a paying branch of industry. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, if they doctor anybody it must be women, and + three-fourths of the women had rather have a male doctor. Suppose these + colleges turn out female doctors until there are as many of them as there + are male doctors, what have they got to practice on? + </p> + <p> + A man, if there was nothing the matter with him, might call in a female + doctor; but if he was sick as a horse—and when a man is sick he is + sick as a horse—the last thing he would have around would be a + female doctor. And why? Because when a man wants a female fumbling around + him he wants to feel well. He don't want to be bilious, or feverish, with + his mouth tasting like cheese, and his eyes bloodshot, when a female is + looking over him and taking an account of stock. + </p> + <p> + Of course these female doctors are all young and good looking, and if one + of them came into a sick room where a man was in bed, and he had chills, + and was as cold as a wedge, and she should sit up close to the side of the + bed, and take hold of his hand, his pulse would run up to a hundred and + fifty and she would prescribe for a fever when he had chilblains. Then if + he died she could be arrested for malpractice. O, you can't fool us on + female doctors. + </p> + <p> + A man who has been sick and had male doctors, knows just how he would feel + to have a female doctor come tripping in and throw her fur lined cloak + over a chair, take off her hat and gloves, and throw them on a lounge, and + come up to the bed with a pair of marine blue eyes, with a twinkle in the + corner, and look him in the wild, changeable eyes, and ask him to run out + his tongue. Suppose he knew his tongue was coated so it looked like a + yellow Turkish towel, do you suppose he would want to run out five or six + inches of the lower end of it, and let that female doctor put her finger + on it, to see how it was furred? Not much! He would put that tongue up + into his cheek, and wouldn't let her see it for twenty-five cents + admission. + </p> + <p> + We have all seen doctors put their hands under the bed-clothes and feel a + man's feet to see if they were cold. If a female doctor should do that, it + would give a man cramps in the legs. + </p> + <p> + A male doctor can put his hand on a man's stomach, and liver, and lungs, + and ask him if he feels any pain there; but if a female doctor should do + the same thing it would make a man sick, and he would want to get up and + kick himself for employing a female doctor. O, there is no use talking, it + would kill a man. + </p> + <p> + Now, suppose a man had heart disease, and a female doctor should want to + listen to the beating of his heart. She would lay her left ear on his left + breast, so her eyes and rosebud mouth would be looking right in his face, + and her wavy hair would be scattered all around there, getting tangled in + the buttons of his night shirt. Don't you suppose his heart would, get in + about twenty extra beats to the minute? You bet! And she would smile—we + will bet ten dollars she would smile—and show her pearly teeth, and + her ripe lips would be working as though she were counting the beats, and + he would think she was trying to whisper to him, and—— + </p> + <p> + Well, what would he be doing all this time? If he was not dead yet, which + would be a wonder, his left hand would brush the hair away from her + temple, and kind of stay there to keep the hair away, and his right hand + would get sort of nervous and move around to the back of her head, and + when she had counted the heart beats a few minutes and was raising her + head, he would draw the head up to him and kiss her once for luck, if he + was as bilious as a Jersey swamp angel, and have her charge it in the + bill; and then a reaction would set in, and he would be as weak as a cat, + and she would have to fan him and rub his head till he got over being + nervous, and then make out her prescription after he got asleep. No; all + of a man's symptoms change when a female doctor is practicing on him, and + she would kill him dead. + </p> + <p> + The <i>Sun</i> is a woman's rights paper, and believes in allowing women + to do anything that they can do as well as men, and is in favor of paying + them as well as men are paid for the same work, taking all things into + consideration; but it is opposed to their trifling with human life, by + trying to doctor a total stranger. These colleges are doing a great wrong + in preparing these female doctors for the war path, and we desire to enter + a protest in behalf of twenty million men who could not stand the + pressure. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CROSSMAN'S GOAT. + </h2> + <p> + Mr. Crossman, of Marshall street, is a man who was once a boy himself, if + his memory serves him, and no boy of his is going to ask him for anything + that is in his power to purchase and be refused. But when his boy asked + him to buy a goat Mr. Crossman felt hurt. It was not the expense of the + goat that he looked at, but he never had felt that confidence in the + uprightness of the moral character of a goat that he wanted to feel. + </p> + <p> + A goat he always associated in his mind with a tramp, and he did not feel + like bringing among the truly good children of the neighborhood a goat. He + told his boy that he was sorry he had lavished his young and tender + affections on a goat, and hoped that he would try and shake off the + feeling that his life's happiness would be wrecked if he should refuse to + buy him a goat. The boy put his sleeve up over his eyes and began to shed + water, and that settled it. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Crossman's religion is opposed to immersion, and when the infant + baptism began his proud spirit was conquered, and he told the boy to lead + on and he would buy the goat. They went over into the Polack settlement + and a Countess there, who takes in washing, was bereaved of the goat, + while Mr. Crossman felt that he was a dollar out of pocket. + </p> + <p> + Now that he thinks of it, Mr. Crossman is confident that the old lady + winked as he led the goat away by a piece of clothes line, though at the + time he looked upon the affair as an honorable business transaction. If he + had been buying a horse he would have asked about the habits of the + animal, and would probably have taken the animal on trial. But it never + occurred to him that there was any cheating in goats. + </p> + <p> + The animal finally pulled Mr. Crossman home, at the end of the clothes + line, and was placed in a neighbor's barn at eventide to be ready for the + morning's play, refreshed. About 6 o'clock in the morning, Mr. Crossman + was looking out of his window when he saw the neighboring lady come out of + the barn door head first, and the goat was just taking its head away from + her polonaise in a manner that Mr. Crossman considered, with his views of + propriety, decidedly impolite. + </p> + <p> + Believing there was some misunderstanding, and that the goat was jealous + of a calf that was in the barn, and that the matter could be + satisfactorily explained to the goat, Mr. Crossman put the other leg in + his trousers, took a cistern pole and went to the front. The goat saw him + coming, and rushed out into the yard and stood up on its hind feet and + gave the grand hailing sign of distress, and as Mr. Cross-man turned to + see if any of the neighbors were up, he felt an earthquake strike him a + little below where he had his suspenders tied around his body. Mr. + Crossman repeated a portion of the beautiful Easter service and climbed up + on an ash barrel, where he stood poking the goat on the ear with the + cistern pole, when Mr. Crombie, who lives hard by. and who had come out to + split some kindling wood, appeared on the scene. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Crombie is a man who grasps a situation at once, and though he is a + man who deliberates much on any great undertaking, when he saw the lady + behind the coal box, and Mr. Crossman on the ash barrel, he felt that + there was need of a great mind right there, and he took his with him over + the fence, in company with a barrel stave and a hatchet. He told Crossman + that there was only one way to deal with a goat, and that was to be firm + and look him right in the eye. He said Sep. Wintermute, at Whitewater, + once had a goat that used to drive the boys all around, but he could do + anything with him, by looking him in the eye. + </p> + <p> + He walked toward the goat, with “his eyes sot,” and Mr. Crossman says one + spell he thought, by the way the goat looked sheepish, that Crombie was a + regular lion tamer, but just as he was about to paralyze the animal, Mr. + Crombie caught the strings of his drawers, which were dragging on the + ground, in the nails of a barrel hoop, and as he stooped down to untangle + them the goat kicked him with his head, at a point about two chains and + three links in a northwesterly direction from the small of his back. + Crombie gave a sigh, said, “I die by the hand of an assassin,” and jumped + up on a wagon, with the barrel stave and hatchet, and the hoop tangled in + his legs. + </p> + <p> + The goat had three of them treed, and was looking for other worlds to + conquer, when Mr. Nowell, who was out for a walk, saw the living statues, + and came in to hear the news. Mr. Crossmair said he didn't know what had + got into the goat, unless it was a tin pail or a lawn mower that was in + the barn, but he was evidently mad, and he advised Mr. No-well to go for + the police. + </p> + <p> + Nowell said a man that had raised cub bears had no right to be afraid of a + goat. He said all you wanted to do, in subduing the spirit of animals, was + to gain their confidence. He said he could, in two minutes, so win the + affections of that goat that it would follow him about like a dog, and he + went up and stroked the animal's head, scratched its ear, and asked them + if they could not see they had taken the wrong course with the goat. He + said a goat was a good deal like a human being. You could coax, but you + could not drive. “Come, Billy,” said he, as he moved off, snapping his + fingers. + </p> + <p> + It is Mr. Nowell's unbiased opinion that Billy <i>did</i> come. Not that + he saw Billy come, but he had a vague suspicion, from a feeling of + numbness some two feet from the base of the brain, that William had + arrived in that immediate vicinity, and while he was recalling his + scattered thoughts and feeling for any pieces of spine that might have + become detached from the original column, Billy came again and caught + three of Mr. Nowell's fingers in the pile driver. That was talk enough + between gentlemen, and Mr. Nowell got his back against a fence and climbed + up on top backwards. + </p> + <p> + When he caught his breath he said that was the worst shock he ever + experienced since he fell off the step ladder last summer. He said he had + rather break a bear to ride any time. + </p> + <p> + At this point Mr. Crombie espied a letter carrier on the other side of the + street, and called him over. He told the letter carrier if he would step + into the yard and drive the goat in the barn they would all unite in a + petition to have the salaries of letter carriers raised. There is no class + of citizens more accommodating than our letter carriers, and this one came + in and walked up to the goat and pushed the animal with his foot. + </p> + <p> + “This goat seems tame enough,” said he, turning around to speak to Mr. + Crossman. His words had not more than vaporized in the chill air before + the goat had planted two trip hammer blows into the seat of government, + and the letter carrier went into the barn, fell over a wheelbarrow, and + the letters from his sack were distributed in a box stall. + </p> + <p> + It was a beautiful sight to look upon, and they would have been there till + this time had it not been that the Countess happened to come along + gathering swill, and the party made up a purse of three dollars for her if + she would take the goat away. + </p> + <p> + She took a turnip top from her swill pail, offered it to the goat, and the + animal followed her off, bleating and showing every evidence of + contentment, and the gentlemen got down from the positions they had + assumed, and they shook hands and each took a bloody oath that he would + not tell about it, and they repaired to their several homes and used + arnica on the spots where the goat had kicked them. + </p> + <p> + The only trouble that is liable to arise out of this is that the + postmaster threatens to commence an action against Crossman for + obstructing the mails. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A MEAN TRICK. + </h2> + <p> + Probably the meanest trick that was ever played on a white man was played + in Milwaukee, and the fact that there is no vigilance committee there is + the only reason the perpetrators of the trick are alive. A business man + had just purchased a new stiff hat, and he went into a saloon with half a + dozen of his friends to fit the hat on his head. They all took beer, and + passed the hat around so all could see it. One of the meanest men that + ever held a county office went to the bar tender and had a thin slice of + Limburger cheese cut off, and when the party were looking at the frescoed + ceiling through beer glasses this wicked person slipped the cheese under + the sweat leather of the hat, and the man put it on and walked out. + </p> + <p> + The man who owned the hat is one of your nervous people, who is always + complaining of being sick, and who feels as though some dreadful disease + is going to take possession of him and carry him off. He went back to his + place of business, took off his hat and laid it on the table, and + proceeded to answer some letters. He thought he detected a smell, and, + when his partner asked him if he didn't feel sick, he said he believed he + did. The man turned pale and said he guessed he would go home. He met a + man on the sidewalk who said the air was full of miasma, and in the street + car a man who sat next to him moved away to the end of the car, and asked + him if he had just come from Chicago. The man with the hat said he had + not, when the stranger said they were having a great deal of smallpox + there, and he guessed he would get out and walk, and he pulled the bell + and jumped off. The cold perspiration broke out on the forehead of the man + with the new hat, and he took it off to wipe his forehead, when the whole + piece of cheese seemed to roll over and breathe, and the man got the full + benefit of it, and came near fainting away. + </p> + <p> + He got home and his wife met him and asked him what was the matter? He + said he believed mortification had set in, and she took one whiff as he + took off his hat, and said she should think it had. “Where did you get + into it?” said she. “Get into it?” said the man, “I have not got into + anything, but some deadly disease has got hold of me, and I shall not + live.” She told him if any disease that smelled like that had got hold of + him and was going to be chronic, she felt as though he would be a burden + to himself if he lived very long. She got his clothes off, soaked his feet + in mustard water, and he slept. The man slept and dreamed that a smallpox + flag was hung in front of his house and that he was riding in a butcher + wagon to the pest house. + </p> + <p> + The wife sent for a doctor, and when the man of pills arrived she told him + all about the case. The doctor picked up the patient's new hat, tried it + on and got a sniff. He said the hat was picked before it was ripe. The + doctor and the wife held a postmortem examination of the hat, and found + the slice of Limberger. “Few and short were the prayers they said.” They + woke the patient, and, to prepare his mind for the revelation that was + about to be made, the doctor asked him if his worldly affairs were in a + satisfactory condition. He gasped and said they were. The doctor asked him + if he had made his will. He said he had not, but that he wanted a lawyer + sent for at once. The doctor asked him if he felt as though he was + prepared to shuffle off. The man said he had always tried to lead a + different life, and had tried to be done by the same as he would do it + himself, but that he might have made a misdeal some way, and he would like + to have a minister sent for to take an account of stock. Then the doctor + brought to the bedside the hat, opened up the sweat-leather, and showed + the dying man what it was that smelled so, and told him he was as well as + any man in the city. + </p> + <p> + The patient pinched himself to see if he was alive, and jumped out of bed + and called for his revolver, and the doctor couldn't keep up with him on + the way down town. The last we saw of the odoriferous citizen he was + trying to bribe the bar-tender to tell him which one of those pelicans it + was that put that slice of cheese in his hat-lining. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A FEMALE KNIGHT OF PYTHIAS. + </h2> + <p> + A woman of Bay City, Michigan, disguised herself as a man and clerked in a + store for a year, and then applied for membership in the Knights of + Pythias and was initiated. During the work of the third degree her sex was + discovered. It seems that in the third degree they have an India rubber + rat and a celluloid snake, which run by clockwork inside, and which were + very natural indeed. The idea is to let them run at the candidate for + initiation to see if he will flinch. When the snake ran at the girl she + kept her nerve all right, but when the rat tried to run up her trousers + leg she grabbed her imaginary skirts in both hands and jumped onto a + refrigerator that was standing near, (which is used in the work of the + fourth degree) and screamed bloody murder. The girl is a member of the + order, however, and there is no help for it. This affair may open the eyes + of members of secret societies and cause them to investigate. One lodge + here, we understand, takes precaution against the admission of women by + examining carefully the feet of applicants. If the feet are cold enough to + freeze ice cream the candidate is black-balled. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE TELESCOPE FISH-POLE CANE. + </h2> + <p> + There is one thing we want to set our face against and try and break up, + and that is the habit of young and middle aged persons going fishing on + Sunday, when going on the Summer excursions to the country. The devil, or + some other inventor, has originated a walking-stick that looks as innocent + as a Sunday school teacher, but within it is a roaring lion, in the shape + of a fish-pole. We have watched young fellows, and know their tricks. + Sunday morning they say to their parents that they have agreed to go over + on the West Side and attend early mass with a companion, just to hear the + exquisite music, and, by the way, they may not be home to dinner. And they + go from that home, with their new cane, looking as pious as though they + were passing the collection plate. When they get around the corner they + whoop it up for the depot, and shortly they are steaming out into the + country. They have a lot of angleworms in an envelope in their vest + pockets, and a restaurant colored man, who has been seen the night before, + meets them at the depot and hands them a basket of sandwiches with a + bottle sticking out. + </p> + <p> + Arriving at the summer resort, they go to the bank of the lake and take a + boat ride, and when well out in the lake they begin to unbosom the cane. + Taking a plug out of the end of it, they pull out a dingus and three + joints of fish-pole come out, and they tie a line on the end, put an angle + worm on the hook, and catch fish. That is the kind of “mass” they are + attending. + </p> + <p> + At night the train comes back to town, and the sunburnt young men, with + their noses peeled, hand a basket to the waiting colored man, which smells + of fish, and they go home and tell their parents they went out to Forest + Home Cemetery in the afternoon, and the sun was awful hot. The good mother + knows she smells fish on her son's clothes, but she thinks it is some new + kind of perfumery, and she is silent. + </p> + <p> + An honest up-and-up fish-pole is a thing of beauty and a joy forever, if + the fishing is good, but one of these deceptive, three carde monte, + political fish-poles, that shoves in and appears to be a cane, is + incendiary, and ought to be suppressed. There ought to be a law passed to + suppress a fish-pole that passes in polite society for a cane, and in such + a moment as ye think not is pulled out to catch fish. There is nothing + square about it, and the invention of that blasted stem winding fish-pole + is doing more to ruin this country than all the political parties can + overcome. If there was a law to compel the owners of those wailking-sticks + to put a sign on their canes, “This is a fish-pole,” there would be less + canes taken on these Sunday excursions in summer. + </p> + <p> + Look not upon the walking-stick when it is hollow, and pulls out, for at + last it giveth thee away, young fellow. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + The Sun is in receipt of an invitation to attend the opening of a new + hotel in an Iowa city, but it will be impossible to attend. We remember + one Iowa hotel which we visited in 1869, when the Wisconsin editors + stopped there on the way back from Omaha,—the time when a couple of + bed bugs took Uncle David Atwood up on the roof and were going to throw + him off, and they would have done it, only a party of cockroaches took his + part and killed the bed bugs. + </p> + <p> + Sam Ryan will remember how there was a crop of new potatoes growing on the + billiard room floor in the dirt, that were all blossomed out; and Charley + Seymour can tell how he had to argue for an hour to convince the colored + cook that the peculiar smell of the scrambled eggs was owing to some of + them being rotten. There were four waiters to a hundred guests, and it was + a sight long to be remembered to see Mrs. Seymour and Mrs. Atwood carry + their broiled chicken back to the kitchen and pick the feathers off, while + good Uncle McBride, of Sparta, got into an altercation over his fried fish + because the fish had not been scaled; where it was said the only thing + that was not sour was the vinegar, and where the only thing that was not + too small was the bill, and where every room smelled like a morgue, and + the towels in the rooms had not taken a bath since 1827. + </p> + <p> + At this hotel the proprietor would take a guest's napkin to wipe his nose, + and the barefooted, waiter girl would slip up on the rare-done fried egg + spilled on the dining-room floor, and wipe the yolk off her dress on a + guest's linen coat tail. That is all we want of a hotel in that place. + </p> + <p> + Not many months ago there was a meeting of ministers in Wisconsin, and + after the holy work in which they were engaged had been done up to the + satisfaction of all, a citizen of the place where the conference was held + invited a large number of them to a collation at his house. After supper a + dozen of them adjourned to a room up stairs to have a quiet smoke, as + ministers sometimes do, when they got to talking about old times, when + they attended school and were boys together, and <i>The Sun</i> man, who + was present, disguised as a preacher, came to the conclusion that + ministers were rather human than otherwise when they are young. + </p> + <p> + One two-hundred pound delegate with a cigar between his fingers, blew the + smoke out of the mouth which but a few hours before was uttering a + supplication to the Most High to make us all good, punched a thin elder in + the ribs with his thumb and said: “Jim, do you remember the time we + carried the cow and calf up into the recitation room?” For a moment “Jim” + was inclined to stand on his dignity, and he looked pained, until they all + began to laugh, when he looked around to see if any worldly person was + present, and satisfying himself that we were all truly good, he said: “You + bet your life I remember it. I have got a scar on my shin now where that d—blessed + cow hooked me,” and he began to roll up his trousers leg to show the scar. + They told him they would take his word, and he pulled down his pants and + said: + </p> + <p> + “Well, you see I was detailed to attend to the calf, and I carried the + calf up stairs, assisted by Bill Smith—who is now preaching in + Chicago; got a soft thing, five thousand a year, and a parsonage + furnished, and keeps a team, and if one of those horses is not a trotter + then I am no judge of horse flesh or of Bill, and if he don't put on an + old driving coat and go out on the road occasionally and catch on for a + race with some worldly-minded man, then I am another. You hear me—well, + I never knew a calf was so heavy, and had so many hind legs. Kick! Why, + bless your old alabaster heart, that calf walked all over me, from Genesis + to Revelations. And say, we didn't get much of a breeze the next morning, + did we, when we had to clean out the recitation room?” + </p> + <p> + A solemn-looking minister, with red hair, who was present, and whose eyes + twinkled some through the smoke, said to another: + </p> + <p> + “Charlie, you remember you were completely gone on the professor's niece + who was visiting there from Poughkeepsie? What become of her?” + </p> + <p> + Charlie put his feet on the table, struck a match on his trousers, and + said: + </p> + <p> + “Well, I wasn't gone on her, as you say, but just liked her. Not too well, + you know, but just well enough. She had a color of hair that I could never + stand—just the color of yours, Hank—and when she got to going + with a printer I kind of let up, and they were married. I understand he is + editing a paper somewhere in Illinois, and getting rich. It was better for + her, as now she has a place to live, and does not have to board around + like a country school ma'am, as she would if she had married me.” A + dark-haired man, with a coat buttoned clear to the neck, and a countenance + like a funeral sermon, with no more expression than a wooden decoy duck, + who was smoking a briar-wood pipe that he had picked up on a what-not that + belonged to the host, knocked the ashes out in a spittoon, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Boys, do you remember the time we stole that three-seated wagon and went + out across the marsh to Kingsley's farm, after watermelons?” + </p> + <p> + Four of them said they remembered it well enough, and Jim said all he + asked was to live long enough to get even with Bill Smith, the Chicago + preacher, for suggesting to him to steal a bee-hive on the trip. “Why,” + said he, “before I had got twenty feet with that hive, every bee in it had + stung me a dozen times. And do you remember how we played it on the + professor, and made him believe that I had the chicken-pox? O, gentlemen, + a glorious immortality awaits you beyond the grave for lying me out of + that scrape.” + </p> + <p> + The fat man hitched around uneasy in his chair and said they all seemed to + have forgotten the principal event of that excursion, and that was how he + tried to lift a bull dog over the fence by the teeth, which had become + entangled in a certain portion of his wardrobe that should not be + mentioned, and how he left a sample of his trousers in the possession of + the dog, and how the farmer came to the college the next day with his eyes + blacked, and a piece of trousers cloth done up in a paper, and wanted the + professor to try and match it with the pants of some of the divinity + students, and how he had to put on a pair of nankeen pants and hide his + cassimeres in the boat house until the watermelon scrape blew over and he + could get them mended. + </p> + <p> + Then the small brunette minister asked if he was not entitled to some + credit for blacking the farmer's eyes. Says he: “When he got over the + fence and grabbed the near horse by the bits, and said he would have the + whole gang in jail, I felt as though something had got to be done, and I + jumped out on the other side of the wagon and walked around to him and put + up my hands and gave him 'one, two, three' about the nose, with my + blessing, and he let go that horse and took his dog back to the house.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” says the red haired minister, “those melons were green, anyway, + but it was the fun of stealing them that we were after.” + </p> + <p> + At this point the door opened and the host entered, and, pushing the smoke + away with his hands, he said: “Well, gentlemen, are you enjoying + yourselves?” + </p> + <p> + They threw their cigar stubs in the spittoon, the solemn man laid the + brier wood pipe where he got it, and the fat man said: + </p> + <p> + “Brother Drake, we have been discussing the evil effects of indulging in + the weed, and we have come to the conclusion that while tobacco is always + bound to be used to a certain extent by the thoughtless, it is a duty the + clergy owe to the community to discountenance its use on all possible + occasions. Perhaps we had better adjourn to the parlor, and after asking + divine guidance take our departure.” + </p> + <p> + After they had gone the host looked at his cigar box, and came to the + conclusion that somebody must have carried off some cigars in his pocket. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AN ARM THAT IS NOT RELIABLE. + </h2> + <p> + A young fellow about nineteen, who is going with his first girl, and who + lives on the West Side, has got the symptoms awfully. He just thinks of + nothing else but his girl, and when he can be with her,—which is + seldom, on account of the old folks,—he is there, and when he cannot + be there, he is there or thereabouts, in his mind. He had been trying for + three months to think of something to give his girl for a Christmas + present, but he couldn't make up his mind what article would cause her to + think of him the most, so the day before Christmas he unbosomed himself to + his employer, and asked his advice as to the proper article to give. The + old man is baldheaded and mean. “You want to give her something that will + be a constant reminder of you?” “Yes,” he said, “that was what was the + matter.” “Does she have any corns?” asked the old wretch. The boy said he + had never inquired into the condition of her feet, and wanted to know what + corns had to do with it. The old man said that if she had corns, a pair of + shoes about two sizes too small would cause her mind to dwell on him a + good deal. The boy said shoes wouldn't do. The old man hesitated a moment, + scratched his head, and finally said: + </p> + <p> + “I have it! I suppose, sir, when you are alone with her, in the parlor, + you put your arm around her waist; do you not, sir?” + </p> + <p> + The young man blushed, and said that was about the size of it. + </p> + <p> + “I presume she enjoys that part of the discourse, eh?” + </p> + <p> + The boy said that, as near as he could tell, by the way she acted, she was + not opposed to being held up. + </p> + <p> + “Then, sir, I can tell you of an article that will make her think of you + in that position all the time, from the moment she gets up in the morning + till she retires.” + </p> + <p> + “Is there any attachment to it that will make her dream of me all night?” + asked the boy. + </p> + <p> + “No, sir! Don't be a hog,” said the bad man. + </p> + <p> + “Then what is it?” + </p> + <p> + The old man said one word, “Corset!” + </p> + <p> + The young man was delighted, and he went to a store to buy a nice corset. + </p> + <p> + “What size do you want?” asked the girl who waited on him. + </p> + <p> + That was a puzzler. He didn't know they came in sizes. He was about to + tell her to pick out the smallest size, when he happened to think of + something. + </p> + <p> + “Take a tape measure and measure my arm; that will just fit.” + </p> + <p> + The girl looked wise, as though she had been there herself, found that it + was a twenty-two inch corset the boy wanted, and he went home and wrote a + note and sent it with the corset to the girl. He didn't hear anything + about it till the following Sunday, when he called on her. She received + him coldly, and handed him the corset, saying, with a tear in her eye, + that she had never expected to be insulted by him. He told her he had no + intention of insulting her; that he could think of nothing that would + cause her to think of the gentle pressure of his arm around her waist as a + corset, but if she felt insulted he would take his leave, give the corset + to some poor family, and go drown himself. + </p> + <p> + He was about to go away, when she burst out crying, and sobbed out the + following words, wet with salt brine: + </p> + <p> + “It was v-v-v-very thoughtful of y-y-you, but I <i>couldn't feel it!</i> + It is f-f-four sizes too b-b-big! Why didn't you get number eighteen? You + are silent, you cannot answer, enough!” + </p> + <p> + They instinctively found their way to the sofa; mutual explanations + followed; he measured her waist again; saw where he had made a mistake by + his fingers lapping over on the first turn, and he vowed, by the beard of + the prophet, he would change it for another, if she had not worn it and + got it soiled. They are better now. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOUNCED FROM CHURCH FOR DANCING. + </h2> + <p> + The Presbyterian synod at Erie, Pa., has turned a lawyer named Donaldson + out of the church. The charge against him was not that he was a lawyer, as + might be supposed, but that he had danced a quadrille. It does not seem to + us as though there could be anything more harmless than dancing a + cold-blooded quadrille. It is a simple walk around, and is not even + exercise. Of course a man can, if he chooses, get in extra steps enough to + keep his feet warm, but we contend that no quadrille, where they only + touch hands, go down in the middle, and alamand left, can work upon a + man's religion enough to cause him to backslide. + </p> + <p> + If it was this new “waltz quadrille” that Donaldson indulged in, where + there is intermittent hugging, and where the head gets to whirling, and a + man has to hang on to his partner quite considerable, to keep from falling + all over himself, and where she looks up fondly into his eyes and as + though telling him to squeeze just as hard as it seemed necessary for his + convenience, we should not wonder so much at the synod hauling him over + the coals for cruelty to himself, but a cold quadrille has no deviltry in + it. + </p> + <p> + We presume the wicked and perverse Mr. Donaldson will join another church + that allows dancing judiciously administered, and may yet get to heaven + ahead of the Presbyterian synod, and he may be elected to some high + position there, as Arthur was here, after the synod of Hayes and Sherman + had bounced him from the Custom House for dancing the great spoils walk + around. + </p> + <p> + It is often the case here, and we do not know why it may not be in heaven, + that the ones that are turned over and shook up, and the dust knocked out + of them, and their metaphorical coat tail filled with boots, find that the + whirligig of time has placed them above the parties who smote them, and we + can readily believe that if Donaldson gets a first-class position of + power, above the skies, he will make it decidedly warm for his persecutors + when they come up to the desk with their grip sacks and register and ask + for a room with a bath, and a fire escape. He will be apt to look up at + the key rack and tell them everything is full, but they can find pretty + fair accommodations at the other house, down at the Hot Springs, on the + European plan, by Mr. Devil, formerly of Chicago. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + POLICE SEARCHING WOMEN. + </h2> + <h3> + A NOVEL SCENE IN MILWAUKEE POLICE COURT. + </h3> + <p> + There is a movement on foot to provide for lady attendants at the Police + Station, so that when a woman is arrested, and it is necessary to search + her for concealed weapons, or money or incendiary documents, that duty can + be performed by a person of the same sex as the prisoner. The <i>Sun</i> + is anxious that this new departure be adopted at once, as it is very + annoying for us to be called away from our business, every day or two, to + aid the police—that is, of course, we are willing to be of + assistance to anybody, but there <i>are</i> times—anybody will admit + that. + </p> + <p> + The need of lady members of the police force was never illustrated any + better than when the police arrested the women for passing counterfeit + silver quarters, about six months ago. There was an oldish woman and a + young woman, and when they were taken to the police office the reporters + of the city papers were there, as usual, ready to lend a helping hand. The + searching of the old lady was done in short order, by Detective Smith, who + went about it in a business-like manner; but when it was time to search + the young woman, and he looked into her soft, liquid eyes, and saw the + emotion that she could not suppress, his heart failed him, and he sat down + to write out his resignation. Tears came into his large, fawn-like eyes, + and he called upon Mr. Northrop, correspondent of the Chicago <i>Times</i>, + to assist him. Mr. Northrop had been inured to hardships, and knew much + about the manner in which female persons conceal money, and being one of + the “Willing Workers,” he told Mr. Smith that he would help him. + </p> + <p> + The lady was told to remove her outward apparel, and to look steadily out + of the window. She got behind a curtain-cord, and, in less time than it + takes to write it, she threw her dress to the men, from her concealment + behind the curtain-cord. The two men found a pocket in the dress, but to + save them they couldn't find the pocket hole.. The dress was turned the + other side out forty times, to find the pocket hole. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Yenowine, of the <i>News</i>, who was present, said if they would hang + the dress up on a hook he could find the pocket hole in the dark. He said + there couldn't anybody fool him on finding a pocket hole in a dress. + </p> + <p> + The dress was hung in a closet, and Mr. Yenowine proceeded on the arctic + exploring expedition, while Mr. Northrop and the detective were examining + a corset that the young woman had thrown on the floor, looking for bogus + quarters. The <i>News</i> man, with all his knowledge of dress pockets, + came out unsuccessful, and said he must have lost the combination, and + accused the janitor of giving it away. Mr. Smith suggested that they cut + the pocket off, but the district attorney, Mr. McKenney, said it would be + clearly against the law. He said that would be burglary. In the meantime + the young woman had kept on shucking herself, until Mr. Neiman, of the <i>Sentinel</i>, + became faint and went out on the steps to get a breath of fresh air, from + which position he looked through the window. + </p> + <p> + While the gentlemen were wondering if there were no rules of etiquette + published that would make it easy and polite to search a woman for bogus + two shilling pieces, the woman threw an article of female wearing apparel + out on the floor for them to examine that fairly frightened them. + </p> + <p> + “Merciful heavens,” said Mr. Yenowine, who was at that time a young and + innocent person, unused to the ways of the world, “she has exploded.” + </p> + <p> + Northrop poked it with his cane and said, “No, those always come off,” and + he put on an air of superiority over the boys which was annoying. + </p> + <p> + “What, always?” said Mr. Neiman, who had his fingers up before his face, + and was blushing as though he had intermittent fever. + </p> + <p> + “Well, most always,” said Mr. Northrop, who had taken it up, and was + examining it with a critic's eye. + </p> + <p> + “I presume those are a bustle, are they not?” said innocent Yenowine. + </p> + <p> + “Go aff, till the divil wid yer bushtle,” said Mr. Smith, “I know bether. + Gintlemen, I am a plain shpoken man, and for me age have seen many thrying + situations, but if this was me lasht day on earth I should shwear that was + no more a bushtle than I am. Bushtles are never twins.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Harger, of the <i>Wisconsin</i>, who had hidden behind the stove pipe, + was asked by Mr. Smith what he thought they were, whether it might not be + an infernal machine. Mr. Harger said he had never known one to explode. He + said when he was reporting legislative proceedings the members drew those + with their stationery, from the superintendent of public property, but he + had no idea what they did with them. + </p> + <p> + At this point Mr. Aldrich, who had just come in, was asked to examine it + and tell what it was. Mr. Aldrich took it up like a thing of life, and + gazed upon it as though trying to recall something to his mind. Placing + his finger, the one with the diamond ring on, to his corrugated forehead, + he paused for a moment and finally gave his opinion that they were life + preservers. He said that in Boston all women wore them, especially when + they were out on excursions, or picnics. “See,” says he, as he hefted it, + and made an indentation in it, which resumed its natural position as soon + as he took his finger off, “it is filled with wind. Now, in case of + accident, that would float a woman on top of water until she could be + rescued. Let us demonstrate this matter by putting it on Mr. Boyington, of + the <i>Sentinel</i>, and taking him to the morgue and placing him in the + bath tub and he proceeded to fasten the life preserver around the calf of + Mr. Boyington's leg. + </p> + <p> + “Say, where are you putting it?” says Mr. B., as he struggled to keep from + laughing right out. “You fellows don't know as much as Thompson's colt. If + I know my own heart, and I think I do, a life preserver goes on under the + vest.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Aldrich said he didn't pretend to know any more than anybody else. All + he knew about these things personally was that he had seen them hanging up + in stores, for sale, and one day when he was shopping he asked one of the + lady clerks what it was hanging up there, and she said it was a life + preserver, and asked him if he wanted one, and he told her no, he was only + inquiring for a friend of his, who rode a bicycle. He didn't know but it + might be something that went with a bicycle. + </p> + <p> + All the time this discussion was going on we sat by the safe in the police + office. We never were so sorry for a lot of innocent young men, never. The + girl looked at us and winked, as much as to say, “Old man, why do you not + come to the rescue of these young hoodlums, who don't know what they are + talking about, and take the conceit out of them,” and so we explained to + them, in the best language we could command, the uses and abuses of the + garment they were examining, and showed them how it went on, and how the + invention of it filled a want long felt by our American people. They all + admitted that we were right, and that it was a counterfeit well calculated + to deceive, and we believe now that the woman was convicted of + counterfeiting mainly on the testimony of the reporters. However that may + be, we desire to impress upon the authorities the importance of employing + ladies at the police office to examine women who are arrested for crime. + The police cannot always depend on having a newspaper man around. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ABOUT HELL. + </h2> + <p> + An item is going the rounds of the papers, to illustrate how large the sun + is, and how hot it is, which asserts that if an icicle a million miles + long, and a hundred thousand miles through, should be thrust into one of + the burning cavities of the sun, it would be melted in a hundredth part of + a second, and that it would not cause as much “sissing” as a drop of water + on a hot griddle. + </p> + <p> + By this comparison we can realize that the sun is a big thing, and we can + form some idea of what kind of a place it would be to pass the summer + months. In contemplating the terrible heat of the sun, we are led to + wonder why those whose duty it is to preach a hell hereafter, have not + argued that the sun is the place where sinners will go to when they die. + </p> + <p> + It is not our desire to inaugurate any reform in religious matters, but we + realize what a discouraging thing it must be for preachers to preach hell + and have nothing to show for it. As the business is now done, they are + compelled to draw upon their imagination for a place of endless + punishment, and a great many people, who would be frightened out of their + boots if the minister could show them hell as he sees it, look upon his + talk as a sort of dime novel romance. + </p> + <p> + They want something tangible on which they can base their belief, and + while the ministers do everything in their power to encourage sinners by + picturing to them the lake of fire and brimstone, where boat-riding is out + of the question unless you paddle around in a cauldron kettle, it seems as + though their labors would be lightened if they could point to the sun, on + a hot day in August, and say to the wicked man that unless he gets down on + his knees and says his now I lay me, and repents, and is sprinkled, and + chips in pretty flush towards the running expenses of the church, and + stands his assessments like a thoroughbred, that he will wake up some + morning, and find himself in the sun, blistered from Genesis to + Revelations, thirsty as a harvest hand and not a brewery within a million + miles, begging for a zinc ulster to cool his parched hind legs. + </p> + <p> + Such an argument, with an illustration right on the blackboard of the sky, + in plain sight, would strike terror to the sinner, and he would want to + come into the fold <i>too</i> quick. What the religion of this country + wants, to make it take the cake, is a hell that the wayfaring man, though + a democrat or a greenbacker, can see with the naked eye. The way it is + now, the sinner, if he wants to find out anything about the hereafter, has + to take it second handed, from some minister or deacon who has not seen it + himself, but has got his idea of it from some other fellow who maybe + dreamed it out. + </p> + <p> + Some deacon tells a sinner all about the orthodox hell, and the sinner + does not know whether to believe him or not. The deacon may have lied to + the sinner some time in a horse trade, or in selling him goods, and beat + him, and how does he know but the same deacon is playing a brace game on + him on the hereafter, or playing him for a sardine. + </p> + <p> + Now, if the people who advance these ideas of heaven or hell, had a + license to point to the moon, the nice, cool moon, as heaven, which would + be plausible, to say the least, and say that it was heaven, and prove it, + and could prove that the sun was the other place, which looks reasonable, + according to all we have heard about 'tother place, the moon would be so + full there would not be standing room, and they would have to turn + republicans away, while the sun would be playing to empty benches, and + there would only be a few editors there who got in on passes. + </p> + <p> + Of course, during a cold winter, when the thermometer was forty or fifty + degrees below zero, and everybody was blocked in, and coal was up to + seventeen dollars a ton, the cause of religion would not prosper as much + as it would in summer, because when you talked to a sinner about leading a + different life or he would go to the sun, he would look at his coal pile + and say that he didn't care a continental how soon he got there, but these + discouragements would not be any greater than some that the truly good + people have to contend with now, and the average the year round would be + largely in favor of going to the moon. + </p> + <p> + The moon is very popular now, even, and if it is properly advertised as a + celestial paradise, where only good people could get their work in, and + where the wicked could not enter on any terms, there would be a great + desire to take the straight and narrow way to the moon, and the path to + the wicked sun would be grown over with sand burs, and scorched with lava, + and few would care to take passage by that route. Anyway, this thing is + worth looking into. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + UNSCREWING THE TOP OF A FRUIT JAR. + </h2> + <p> + There is one thing that there should be a law passed about, and that is, + these glass fruit jars, with a top that screws on. It should be made a + criminal offense, punishable with death or banishment to Chicago, for a + person to manufacture a fruit jar, for preserving fruit, with a top that + screws on. Those jars look nice when the fruit is put up in them, and the + house-wife feels as though she was repaid for all her perspiration over a + hot stove, as she looks at the glass jars of different berries, on the + shelf in the cellar. + </p> + <p> + The trouble does not begin until she has company, and decides to tap a + little of her choice fruit. After the supper is well under way, she sends + for a jar, and tells the servant to unscrew the top, and pour the fruit + into a dish. The girl brings it into the kitchen, and proceeds to unscrew + the top. She works gently at first, then gets mad, wrenches at it, sprains + her wrist, and begins to cry, with her nose on the underside of her apron, + and skins her nose on the dried pancake batter that is hidden in the folds + of the apron. + </p> + <p> + Then the little house-wife takes hold of the fruit can, smilingly, and + says she will show the girl how to take off the top. She sits down on the + wood-box, takes the glass jar between her knees, runs out her tongue, and + twists. But the cover does not twist. The cover seems to feel as though it + was placed there to keep guard over that fruit, and it is as immovable as + the Egyptian pyramids. The little lady works until she is red in the face, + and until her crimps all come down, and then she sets it down to wait for + the old man to come home. He comes in tired, disgusted, and mad as a + hornet, and when the case is laid before him, he goes out in the kitchen + and pulls off his coat, and takes the jar. + </p> + <p> + He remarks that he is at a loss to know what women are made for, anyway. + He says they are all right to sit around and do crochet work, but whenever + strategy, brain, and muscle are required, then they can't get along + without a man. He tries to unscrew the cover, and his thumb slips off and + knocks skin off the knuckle. He breathes a silent prayer and calls for the + kerosene can, and pours a little of it into the crevice, and lets it soak, + and then he tries again, and swears audibly. + </p> + <p> + Then he calls for a tack-hammer, and taps the cover gently on one side, + the glass jar breaks, and the juice runs down his trousers leg, on the + table and all around. Enough of the fruit is saved for supper, and the old + man goes up the back stairs to tie his thumb up in a rag, and change his + pants. + </p> + <p> + All come to the table smiling, as though nothing had happened, and the + house-wife don't allow any of the family to have any sauce for fear they + will get broken glass into their stomachs, but the “company” is provided + for generously, and all would be well only for a remark of a little boy + who, when asked if he will have some more of the sauce, says he “don't + want no strawberries pickled in kerosene.” The smiling little hostess + steals a smell of the sauce, while they are discussing politics, and + believes she does smell kerosene, and she looks at the old man kind of + spunky, when he glances at the rag on his thumb and asks if there is no + liniment in the house. The preserving of fruit in glass jars is broken up + in that house, and four dozen jars are down cellar to lay upon the lady's + mind till she gets a chance to send some of them to a charity picnic. The + glass jar fruit can business is played out unless a scheme can be invented + to get the top off. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BUTTERMILK BIBBERS. + </h2> + <p> + The immense consumption of buttermilk as a drink, retailed over the bars + of saloons, has caused temperance people to rejoice. It is said that over + two thousand gallons a day are sold in Milwaukee. There is one thing about + buttermilk, in its favor, and that is, it does not intoxicate, and it + takes the place of liquor as a beverage. A man may drink a quart of + buttermilk, and while he may feel like a calf that has been sucking, and + want to stand in a fence corner and bleat, or kick up his heels and run + around a pasture, he does not become intoxicated and throw a beer keg + through a saloon window. + </p> + <p> + Another thing, buttermilk does not cause the nose to become red, and the + consumer's breath does not smell like the next day after a sangerfest. The + complexion of the nose of a buttermilk drinker assues a pale hue which is + enchanting, and while his breath may smell like a baby that has nursed too + much and got sour, the smell does not debar his entrance to a temperance + society. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AN ÆSTHETIC FEMALE CLUB BUSTED. + </h2> + <p> + The organization of the “Cosmos” Club, of Chicago women, for the purpose + of discussing “æsthetic” business, ancient poetry and pottery ware, calls + to mind the attempt to organize such a club here in Milwaukee. Our people + here are too utterly full of business and domestic affairs to take to the + “æsthetic” very generally, and the lady from Boston who tried to get up a + class in the new wrinkle went away considerably disgusted. She called + about fifty of our splendidest ladies together at the residence of one of + them, and told them what the ladies of Eastern cities were doing in the + study of higher arts. She elaborated considerably on the study of + Norwegian literature, ceramics, bric-a-brac and so forth, and asked for an + expression of the ladies present. One lady said she was willing to go into + anything that would tend to elevate the tone of society, and make women + better qualified for helpmates to their husbands, but she didn't want any + Norwegian literature in hers. She said her husband ran for an office once + and the whole gang of Norwegian voters went back on him and he was + everlastingly scooped. + </p> + <p> + The Boston lady held up her hands in holy horror, and was going to explain + to the speaker how she was off her base, when another lady got up and said + she wanted to take the full course or nothing. She wanted to be posted in + ancient literature and ceramics. She had studied ceramics some already, + and had got a good deal of information. She had found that in case of + whooping cough, goose oil rubbed on the throat and lungs was just as good + as it was in case of croup, and she felt that with a good teacher any lady + would learn much that would be of incalculable value, and she, for one, + was going for the whole hog or none. + </p> + <p> + The Boston lady saved herself from fainting by fanning herself vigorously, + and was about to show the two ladies that they had a wrong idea of + æsthetics, when a lady from the West Side, who had just been married, got + up and said she felt that we were all too ignorant of æsthetics, and they + should take every opportunity to become better informed. She said when she + first went to keeping house she couldn't tell baking powder that had alum + in it from the pure article, and she had nearly ruined her husband's + stomach before she learned anything. And speaking of bric-a-brac, she felt + that every lady should learn to economize, by occasionally serving a + picked up dinner, of bric-a-brac that would otherwise be wasted. + </p> + <p> + The Boston lady found she could not speak understandingly, so she left-her + chair and went around to the different groups of ladies, who were talking + earnestly, to get them interested. The first group of four that she broke + in on were talking of the best way to renovate seal-skin cloaks that had + been moth eaten. One lady said that she had tried all the æsthetic insect + powder that was advertised in the papers, and the moths would fairly get + fat on it, and beg for more; but last spring she found out that moths were + afraid of whisky. + </p> + <p> + Her husband worked in a wholesale whisky store, and his garments became + saturated with the perfume, and you couldn't hire a moth to go near him. + So she got an empty whisky barrel and put in all her furs, and the moths + never touched a thing. But she said the moths had a high old time all + summer. They would get together in squads and go to the barrel and smell + at the bung-hole, and lock arms and sashay around the room, staggering + just as though there was an election, and about eleven o'clock they would + walk up to a red spot in the carpet and take a lunch, just like men going + to a saloon. + </p> + <p> + She said there was one drawback to the whisky barrel, as it gave her away + when she first went out in company after taking her clothes out of the + barrel. She wore her seal-skin cloak to the Good Templars' Lodge, the + first night after taking it out, and they were going to turn her out of + the Lodge on the ground that she had violated her obligation. + </p> + <p> + “You may talk about your Scandinavian literature,” said she, turning to + the Boston lady, “but when it comes to keeping moths out of furs, an empty + whisky barrel knocks the everlasting socks off of anything I ever tried.” + </p> + <p> + The Boston lady put on her æsthetic hat, and was about to take her leave, + satisfied that she had struck the wrong crowd, when a sweet little woman, + with pouting lips, called her aside. The Boston lady thought she had found + at last one congenial soul, and she said: + </p> + <p> + “What is it, my dear?” + </p> + <p> + The little lady hesitated a moment, and with a tear in her eye she asked: + </p> + <p> + “Madam, can you tell me what is good for worms? Fido has acted for a week + as though he was ill, and——” + </p> + <p> + That settled it. The Boston lady went away, and has never been heard of + since. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “A young fellow and his girl went out sleighing yesterday, and the lad + returned with a frozen ear. There is nothing very startling in the simple + fact of a frozen ear, but the idea is that it was the ear next to the girl + that he was foolish enough to let freeze.” + </p> + <p> + A girl that will go out sleigh-riding with a young man and allow his ears + to freeze, is no gentleman (“lady”??), and ought to be arrested. Why, here + in Milwaukee, on the coldest days, we have seen a young man out riding + with a girl, and his ears were so hot they would fairly “sis,” and there + was not a man driving on the avenue but would have changed places with the + young man, and allowed his ears to cool. Girls cannot sit too close during + this weather. The climate is rigorous. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FOOLING WITH THE BIBLE. + </h2> + <p> + Reports from the stationers show that there is no demand at all for the + revised edition of the Bible, and had it not been for the newspapers + publishing the whole affair there would have been very few persons that + took the trouble to even glance at it, and it is believed that not one + reader of the daily papers in a hundred read any of the Bible, and not one + in ten thousand read all of it which was published. Who originated this + scheme of revising the Bible we do not know, but whoever it was made a + miscue. There was no one suffering particularly for a revision of the + Bible. It was good enough as it was. No literary sharp of the present day + has got any license to change anything in the Bible. + </p> + <p> + Why, the cheeky ghouls have actually altered over the Lord's Prayer, cut + it biased, and thrown the parts about giving us this day our daily bread + into the rag bag. How do they know that the Lord said more than he wanted + to in that prayer? He wanted that daily bread in there, or He never would + have put it in. The only wonder is that those revisers did not insert + strawberry shortcake and ice cream in place of daily bread. Some of these + ministers who are writing speeches for the Lord think they are smart. They + have fooled with Christ's Sermon on the Mount until He couldn't tell it if + He was to meet it in the Chicago <i>Times</i>. + </p> + <p> + This thing has gone on long enough, and we want a stop put to it. We have + kept still about the piracy that has been going on in the Bible because + people who are better than we are have seemed to endorse it, but now we + are sick of it, and if there is going to be an annual clerical picnic to + cut gashes in the Bible and stick new precepts and examples on where they + will do the most hurt, we shall lock up our old Bible where the critters + can't get at it, and throw the first book agent down stairs head first + that tries to shove off on to us one of these new fangled, + go-as-you-please Bibles, with all the modern improvements, and hell left + out. + </p> + <p> + Now, where was there a popular demand to have hell left out of the Bible? + Were there any petitions from the people sent up to this self-constituted + legislature of pinchbeck ministers, praying to have hell abolished, and + “hades” inserted? Not a petition. And what is this hades? Where is it? + Nobody knows. They have taken away our orthodox hell, that has stood by us + since we first went to Sunday school, and given us a hades. Half of us + wouldn't know a hades if we should see it dead in the road, but they + couldn't fool us any on hell. + </p> + <p> + No, these revisers have done more harm to religion than they could have + done by preaching all their lives. They have opened the ball, and now, + every time a second-class dominie gets out of a job, he is going to cut + and slash into the Bible. He will think up lots of things that will sound + better than some things that are in there, and by and by we shall have our + Bibles as we do our almanacs, annually, with weather probabilities on the + margins. + </p> + <p> + This is all wrong. Infidels will laugh at us, and say our old Bible is + worn out, and out of style, and tell us to have our measure taken for a + new one every fall and spring, as we do for our clothes. If this revision + is a good thing, why won't another one be better? The woods are full of + preachers who think they could go to work and improve the Bible, and if we + don't shut down on this thing, they will take a hand in it. If a man hauls + down the American flag, we shoot him on the spot; and now we suggest that + if any man mutilates the Bible, we run an umbrella into him and spread it. + </p> + <p> + The old Bible just filled the bill, and we hope every new one that is + printed will lay on the shelves and get sour. This revision of the Bible + is believed to be the work of an incendiary. It is a scheme got up by + British book publishers to make money out of pious people. It is on the + same principle that speculators get up a corner on pork or wheat. They got + revision, and printed Bibles enough to supply the world, and would not let + out one for love or money. None were genuine unless the name of this + British firm was blown in the bottle. + </p> + <p> + Millions of Bibles were shipped to this country by the firm that was + “long” on Bibles, and they were to be thrown on the market suddenly, after + being locked up and guarded by the police until the people were made + hungry for Bibles. + </p> + <p> + The edition was advertised like a circus, and doors were to be opened at + six o'clock in the morning. American publishers who wanted to publish the + Bible, too, got compositors ready to rush out a cheap Bible within twelve + hours, and the Britons, who were running the corner on the Word of God, + called these American publishers pirates. The idea of men being pirates + for printing a Bible, which should be as free as salvation. The newspapers + that had the Bibles telegraphed to them from the east, were also pirates. + </p> + <p> + O, the revision is a three-card monte speculation; that is all it is. + </p> + <p> + Geo. W. Peck, of the <i>Sun</i>, recently delivered an address before the + Wisconsin State Dairyman's Association. The following is an extract from + the document: + </p> + <p> + <i>Fellow creamationists</i>: In calling upon me, on this occasion, to + enlighten you upon a subject that is dear to the hearts of all Americans, + you have got the right man in the right place. It makes me proud to come + to my old home and unfold truths that have been folded since I can + remember. It may be said by scoffers, and it has been said to-day, in my + presence, that I didn't know enough to even milk a cow. I deny the + allegation; show me the allegator. If any gentleman present has got a cow + here with him, and I can borrow a clothes-wringer, I will show you whether + I can milk a cow or not. Or, if there is a cheese mine here handy, I will + demonstrate that I can—<i>runnet</i>. + </p> + <p> + The manufacture of cheese and butter has been among the earliest + industries. Away back in the history of the world, we find Adam and Eve + conveying their milk from the garden of Eden, in a one-horse wagon to the + cool spring cheese factory, to be weighed in the balance. Whatever may be + said of Adam and Eve to their discredit in the marketing of the products + of their orchard, it has never been charged that they stopped at the pump + and put water in their milk cans. Doubtless you all remember how Cain + killed his brother Abel because Abel would not let him do the churning. We + can picture Cain and Abel driving mooly cows up to the house from the + pasture in the southeast corner of the garden, and Adam standing at the + bars with a tin pail and a three-legged stool, smoking a meerschaum pipe + and singing “Hold the fort for I am coming through the rye,” while Eve sat + on the verandah altering over her last year's polonaise, and winking at + the devil who stood behind the milk house singing, “I want to be an + angel.” After he got through milking he came up and saw Eve blushing, and + he said, “Madame, cheese it,” and she chose it. + </p> + <p> + But to come down to the present day, we find that cheese has become one of + the most important branches of manufacture. It is next in importance to + the silver interest. And, fellow cheese mongers, you are doing yourselves + great injustice that you do not petition congress to pass a bill to + remonetize cheese. There is more cheese raised in this country than there + is silver, and it is more valuable. Suppose you had not eaten a mouthful + in thirty days, and you should have placed on the table before you ten + dollars stamped out of silver bullion on one plate and nine dollars + stamped out of cheese bullion on another plate. Which would you take + first? Though the face value of the nine cheese dollars would be ten per + cent, below the face value of ten silver dollars, you would take the + cheese. You could use it to better advantage in your business. Hence I say + cheese is more valuable than silver, and it should be made legal tender + for all debts, public and private, except pew rent. I may be in advance of + other eminent financiers, who have studied the currency question, but I + want to see the time come, and I trust the day is not far distant, when + 412 1/2 grains of cheese will be equal to a dollar in codfish, and when + the merry jingle of slices of cheese shall be heard in every pocket. + </p> + <p> + Then every cheese factory can make its own coin, money will be plenty, + everybody will be happy, and there never will be any more war. It may be + asked how this currency can be redeemed? I would have an incontrovertible + bond, made of Limburger cheese, which is stronger and more durable. When + this is done you can tell the rich from the poor man by the smell of his + money. Now-a-days many of us do not even get a smell of money, but in the + good days which are coming the gentle zephyr will waft to us the + able-bodied Limburger, and we shall know that money is plenty. + </p> + <p> + The manufacture of cheese is a business that a poor man can engage in as + well as a rich man. I say it, without fear of successful contradiction, + and say it boldly, that a poor man with, say 200 cows, if he thoroughly + understands his business, can market more cheese than a rich man who owns + 300 oxen. This is susceptible of demonstration. If my boy showed a desire + to become a statesman, I would say to him, “Young man, get married, buy a + mooley cow, go to Sheboygan county, and start a cheese factory.” + </p> + <p> + Speaking of cows, did it ever occur to you, gentlemen, what a saving it + would be to you if you should adopt mooley cows instead of horned cattle? + It takes at least three tons of hay and a large quantity of ground feed + annually to keep a pair of horns fat, and what earthly use are they? + Statistics show that there are annually killed 45,000 grangers by cattle + with horns. You pass laws to muzzle dogs, because one in ten thousand goes + mad, and yet more people are killed by cattle horns than by dogs. What the + country needs is more mooley cows. + </p> + <p> + Now that I am on the subject, it may be asked what is the best paying + breed for the dairy. My opinion is divided between the south down and the + cochin china. Some like one the best and some the other, but as for me, + give me liberty or give me death. + </p> + <p> + There are many reforms that should be inaugurated in the manufacture of + cheese. Why should cheese be made round? I am inclined to the belief that + the making of cheese round is a superstition. Who had not rather buy a + good square piece of cheese, than a wedge-shape chunk, all rind at one + end, and as thin as a Congressman's excuse for voting back pay at the + other? Make your cheese square and the consumer will rise up and call you + another. + </p> + <p> + Another reform that might be inaugurated would be to veneer the cheese + with building paper or clapboards, instead of the time-honored piece of + towel. I never saw cheese cut that I didn't think that the cloth around it + had seen service as a bandage on some other patient. But I may have been + wrong. Another thing that does not seem to be right, is to see so many + holes in cheese. It seems to me that solid cheese, one made by one of the + old masters, with no holes in it—I do not accuse you of cheating, + but don't you feel a little ashamed when you see a cheese cut, and the + holes are the biggest part of it? The little cells may be handy for the + skipper, but the consumer feels the fraud in his innermost soul. + </p> + <p> + Among the improvements made in the manufacture of cheese I must not forget + that of late years the cheese does not resemble the grindstone as much as + it did years ago. The time has been when, if the farmer could not find his + grindstone, all he had to do was to mortise a hole in the middle of a + cheese, and turn it and grind his scythe. Before the invention of + nitro-glycerine, it was a good day's work to hew off cheese enough for a + meal. Time has worked wonders in cheese. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + COLORED CONCERT TROUPES. + </h2> + <p> + Sometimes it seems as though the colored people ought to have a guardian + appointed over them. Now, you take a colored concert troupe, and though + they may have splendid voices, they do not know enough to take advantage + of their opportunities. People go to hear them because they are colored + people, and they want to hear old-fashioned negro melodies, and yet these + mokes will tackle Italian opera and high toned music that they don't know + how to sing. + </p> + <p> + They will sing these fancy operas, and people will not pay any attention. + Along toward the end of the programme they will sing some old nigger song, + and the house fairly goes wild and calls them out half a dozen times. And + yet they do not know enough to make up a programme of such music as they + can sing, and such as the audience want. + </p> + <p> + They get too big, these colored people do, and can't strike their level. + People who have heard Kellogg, and Marie Roze, and Gerster, are sick when + a black cat with a long red dress comes out and murders the same pieces + the prima donnas have sung. We have seen a colored girl attempt a + selection from some organ-grinder opera, and she would howl and screech, + and catch her breath and come again, and wheel and fire vocal shrapnel, + limber up her battery and take a new position, and unlimber and send + volleys of soprano grape and cannister into the audience, and then she + would catch on to the highest note she could reach and hang to it like a + dog to a root, till you would think they would have to throw a pail of + water on her to make her let go, and all the time she would be biting and + shaking like a terrier with a rat, and finally give one kick at last at + her red trail with her hind foot, and back off the stage looking as though + she would have to be carried on a dustpan, and the people in the audience + would look at each other in pity and never give her a cheer, when, if she + had come out and patted her leg, and put one hand up to her ear, and sung, + “Ise a Gwine to See Massa Jesus Early in de Mornin',” they would have + split the air wide open with cheers, and called her out five times. + </p> + <p> + The fact is, they haven't got sense. + </p> + <p> + There was a hungry-looking, round-shouldered, sick-looking colored man in + that same party, that was on the programme for a violin solo. When he came + out the people looked at each other, as much as to say, “Now we will have + some fun.” The moke struck an attitude as near Ole Bull as he could with + his number eleven feet and his hollow chest, and played some diabolical + selection from a foreign cat opera that would have been splendid if + Wilhelmjor Ole Bull had played it, but the colored brother couldn't get + within a mile of the tune. He rasped his old violin for twenty minutes and + tried to look grand, and closed his eyes and seemed to soar away to + heaven,—and the audience wished to heaven he had,—and when he + became exhausted and squeezed the last note oat, and the audience saw that + he was in a profuse perspiration, they let him go and did not call him + back. If he had come out and sat on the back of a chair and sawed off “The + Devil's Dream,” or “The Arkansaw Traveler,” that crowd would have cheered + him till he thought he was a bigger man than Grant. + </p> + <p> + But he didn't have any sense. If some one will send a marked copy of this + paper to some of these colored concert troupes, and they will take the + hint, and sing nigger songs, they will make a heap of money, where now + they have to live on a free lunch route. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + COULDN'T GET AWAY FROM HIM. + </h2> + <p> + A good many may have wondered why we so suddenly quit speeding our horse + on the avenue. For two or three days we couldn't go down the avenue + enough, and there is no person but will admit that our old pile driver + trotted real spry. We did not get the idea that he was the fastest horse + that ever was, but he seemed real soon. It takes a good deal of executive + ability for a man who has a third-class horse to keep from going down the + road with horses that are too fast. One must be a good judge, and when he + finds a horse that he can beat, stick to him. + </p> + <p> + We got the thing down pretty fine, but one day a man drove along beside + us, going up, who seemed bound to get into conversation. He was a + red-faced man, with these side-bar whiskers, evidently a German. He was + driving a sorrel horse to a long sled, with a box on behind the seat, a + sort of delivery sleigh. He had a barrel in the sleigh, filled with + intestines from a slaughter house, two baskets full of the same freight, a + cow's head, and two sheep heads. He was evidently owner of a sausage + factory somewhere, and as he kept along beside us his company was somewhat + annoying. Not that we were proud, but we feared the people on the avenue + would think we were a silent partner in a sausage factory, and that we + were talking business. + </p> + <p> + The man was real entertaining in his conversation, but the load he had was + not congenial, and we were glad when the foot of the hill was reached, so + we could turn around and go down, and get away from him. We turned and + spit on our hands, and begun to pull up on the old horse, and he began to + get his legs untangled and to go. We forgot about the sausage butcher, as + we went down, the fresh air making every nerve get up and git. + </p> + <p> + Suddenly the nose of a sorrel horse began to work up by where we sat, and + we looked around, and may we never live to make a million dollars if it + wasn't the red-faced sausage man, intestines, cow's head, basket and all, + and his old horse was coming for all that was out. We blush for our sex. + It would look nice to get in the papers that we had been racing our + blue-blooded thoroughbred against a sausage butcher, wouldn't it? Our plan + was formed in an instant. Great generals form plans suddenly, and we took + out the whip and touched our horse on a raw spot, intending to go right + away from the fertilizer. + </p> + <p> + The horse seemed to smell the load behind him, and to have his pride + touched, for he snorted and let out another link. We don't know as anyone + would believe it, but the faster our beautiful and costly steed went, the + faster that homely and cheap butcher horse climbed. People by the hundreds + all along the line were watching the race. The baskets of sausage covets + were slewing around from one side of his sled to the other, and we + expected every moment one of them would flop over into our cutter. + </p> + <p> + Matters were becoming desperate, and we gave the horse one more cut and + went the last block at a fearful rate, but the butcher was right beside + us, so one mosquito bar would have covered us, and we came out neck and + neck, the Dutchman a little ahead because his horse was unchecked, and the + crowd yelled for the butcher. We turned to go up, when the butcher came up + alongside just as a carriage of beautiful ladies were passing, and as they + turned up their noses at his load, he said: + </p> + <p> + “Dot vas a nice race, ain't it, Mister Beck?” + </p> + <p> + We could have killed him in cold blood. Not that we dislike to be beaten. + We have always been beaten. It isn't that. But we don't want to trot + horses with no delivery wagon. We are not calculated for associating, in + the horse arena, with a load of slaughter house refuse. It is asking too + much. We are willing to race with Deacon Van Schaick, or brother Antisdel, + or Elder Hyde, or Elder Gordon, or any of those truly good men in whom + there is no guile, and in whose cutters there is no foreign matter, but as + long as reason maintains her throne we shall never go upon the track again + with a butcher. + </p> + <p> + There should be a law passed making it a penal offence for a person with a + delivery wagon to tackle onto a man who drives a thoroughbred. It is + wrong, and will lead to trouble. We have not given up racing entirely, but + hereafter we shall look the avenue over very close for butchers before we + let out our four legged telescope. A butcher is just as good as anybody, + understand us, but they must keep their distance. We don't want to look + into, the hind end of no cutter that is filled with slaughter house + ornaments, and we won't. It is not pride of birth, or anything of that + kind, but such people ought to drive on Wells street, or have slower + horses. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DOGS AND HUMAN BEINGS. + </h2> + <p> + Lorillard, the New York tobacco man, had a poodle dog stolen, and has + offered a reward of five hundred dollars for the arrest of the thief, and + he informs a reporter that he will spend $10,000, if necessary, for the + capture and conviction of the thief. [Applause.] + </p> + <p> + The applause marked in there will be from human skye terriers, who have + forgotten that only a few weeks ago several hundred girls, who had been + working in Lorillard's factory, went on a strike because, as they allege, + they were treated like dogs. We doubt if they were treated as well as this + poodle was treated. We doubt, in case one of these poor, virtuous girls + was kidnapped, if the great Lorillard would have offered as big a reward + for the conviction of the human thief, as he has for the conviction of the + person who has eloped with his poodle. + </p> + <p> + We hope that the aristocracy of this country will never get to valuing a + dog higher than it does a human being. When it gets so that a rich person + would not permit a poodle to do the work in a tobacco factory that a poor + girl does to support a sick mother, hell had better be opened for summer + boarders. When girls work ten hours a day stripping nasty tobacco, and + find at the end of the week that the fines for speaking are larger than + the wages, and the fines go for the conviction of thieves who steal the + girls' master's dog, no one need come around here lecturing at a dollar a + head and telling us there is no hell. + </p> + <p> + When a poor girl, who has gone creeping to her work at daylight, looks out + of the window at noon to see her master's carriage go by, in which there + is a five hundred dollar dog with a hundred dollar blanket on, and a + collar set with diamonds, lolling on satin cushions, and the girl is fined + ten cents for looking out of the window, you don't want to fool away any + time trying to get us to go to a heaven where such heartless employers are + expected. + </p> + <p> + It is seldom the <i>Sun</i> gets on its ear, but it can say with great + fervency, “Damn a man that will work poor girls like slaves, and pay them + next to nothing, and spend ten thousand dollars to catch a dog-thief!” If + these sentiments are sinful, and for expressing them we are a candidate + for fire and brimstone, it is all right, and the devil can stoke up and + make up our bunk when he hears that we are on the through train. + </p> + <p> + It seems now—though we may change our mind the first day at the fire—as + though we had rather be in hades with a hundred million people who have + always done the square thing, than to be in any heaven that will pass a + man in who has starved the poor and paid ten thousand dollars to catch a + dog-thief. We could have a confounded sight better time, even if we had + our ulster all burned off. It would be worth the price of admission to + stand with our back to the fire, and as we began to smell woolen burning + near the pistol pocket, to make up faces at the ten-thousand-dollar-dog + millionaires that were putting on style at the other place. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Andrews' <i>Bazar</i> says: “Gathered waists are very much worn.” + </p> + <p> + If the men would gather the waists carefully and not squeeze so like + blazes, they would not be worn so much. Some men go to work gathering a + waist just as they would go to work washing sheep, or raking and binding. + They ought to gather as though it was eggs done up in a funnel-shaped + brown paper at a grocery. + </p> + <p> + The Black River Falls Independent says: “If you have any old pants to give + to the poor, take or send them to the Ladies' Relief Society.” + </p> + <p> + Well, we have got plenty of them; but, bless you, we doubt if any member + of the Ladies' Relief Society could wear them. They don't hook up. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ARTHUR WILL KEEP A COW. + </h2> + <p> + It is announced by telegraph from Washington that Gen. Arthur will keep a + cow at the White House during his term, to furnish milk for the family, + rather than be obliged to depend upon a milk man who is in the habit of + selling a mixed drink, though the customers, prefer to take it-straight. + There is nothing that will do more to convince people of the true + simplicity of a President than for him to keep a cow. No man who + habitually associates with a cow, and stirs up a bran mash, and watches + her plow her nose down to the bottom in search of a potato paring, can be + wholly bad. If the President selects a good, honest cow we have no fears + that he will be a tyrant in his administration of affairs. A man is very + apt to absorb many of the characteristics and traits of the cow that he + milks. If she is a good natured, honest, law abiding cow, that “hoists” at + the word of command, stands firm and immovable while being milked, and + “gives down” freely, so that the fingers are not cramped, and she does not + switch her tail in the face of the milker, the man will be a good natured, + generous, honest man, but if the cow is one of those communists, and has + to be tied to the manger, and you have to hold one leg to keep her from + kicking over the pail, and she tries to run a horn into you, and keeps + stepping around, and her tail knocks your hat off and gets in your eyes, + and your nerves are unstrung for fear she is thinking of some deviltry to + play on you, the man whose duty it is to draw the milk from her udder will + become harsh, suspicious, cruel, tricky, and mean; and he will grind the + face of the poor. + </p> + <p> + The country will hope that Mr. Arthur, in selecting a cow, will use more + judgment than in selecting a cabinet, and will bring his great mind to + bear on the subject as though he appreciated the situation. We trust he + will not buy a cow of a democrat. There may be good cows owned by + democrats, but they are not for sale, and a democrat would sell him a + kicking cow that was farrow, just to injure his administration. Let him go + to some friend in his own party, some man who is interested in the success + of his administration, and state his case, and if possible get a cow on + trial. + </p> + <p> + This policy is wise from the fact that he could thus see if the cow was + going to hold out as a good milker. Some cows give a good mess of milk + when they first go to a new place, but in a week they let down and the + first thing you know they dry up entirely. Mr. Arthur wants to look out + for this. The country is full of bold, bad men, who would palm off a + kicking cow, or one that was not a stayer, onto their best friends. + </p> + <p> + Another thing, we would advise Mr. Arthur not to use a milking stool with + one leg, but to get one with three legs. It is undignified in any man to + stretch out on a barn floor, with a one-legged milk stool kicking him in + the pistol pocket, a pail of milk distributing itself over his person, and + a frightened cow backed up in a stall threatening to hook his daylights + out, and it would be more undignified in a President of the United States. + Get a three-legged stool, by all means, or use an empty soap box to sit + on. + </p> + <p> + If all this unsolicited but well meant advice is taken, the country will + be in no danger from Arthur's decision to keep a cow, and we shall hope to + see him on some fine morning next summer, as the sun is tinging the + eastern horizon with its ray as he slaps her on the rump with a piece of + barrel stave, or we will accept an invitation to visit his barn and show + him how to mix a bran mash that will wake to ecstacy the aforesaid cow, + and cause her milk to flow like back pay from the treasury. + </p> + <p> + When it comes to cows we deserve a cabinet position. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SHALL THERE BE HUGGING IN THE PARKS? + </h2> + <p> + The law-abiding people of this community were startled on Tuesday, and the + greatest indignation prevailed at an editorial article in the <i>Sentinel</i> + denouncing the practice of hugging in the public parks. The article went + on to show that the placing of seats in the parks leads to hugging, and + the editor denounced hugging in the most insane manner possible. + </p> + <p> + The <i>Sun</i> does not desire to enter politics, but when a great + constitutional question like this comes up, it will be found on the side + of the weak against the strong. + </p> + <p> + The <i>Sentinel</i> advises the removal of the seats from the park because + hugging is done on them. Great heavens! has it come to this? Are the + dearest rights of the American citizen to be abridged in this summary + manner? Let us call the attention of that powerful paper to a clause in + the Declaration of Independence, which asserts that “all men are created + free and equal, endowed with certain inalienable rights, among which are + life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” When the framers of that + great Declaration of Independence were at work on that clause, they must + have had in view the pastime of hugging in the parks. + </p> + <p> + Hugging is certainly a “pursuit of happiness.” People do not hug for wages—that + is, except on the stage. Nobody is obliged to hug. It is a sort of + spontaneous combustion, as it were, of the feelings, and has to have + proper conditions of the atmosphere to make it a success. Parties who + object to hugging are old, usually, and have been satiated, and are like a + lemon that has done duty in circus lemonade. If they had a job of hugging, + they would want to hire a man to do it for them. + </p> + <p> + A man who objects to a little natural, soul-inspiring hugging on a back + seat in a park, of an evening, with a fountain throwing water all over + little cast-iron cupids, has probably got a soul, but he hasn't got it + with him. To the student of nature there is no sight more beautiful than + to see a flock of young people take seats in the park, after the sun has + gone to bed in the west, and the moon has pulled a fleecy cloud over her + face for a veil, so as not to disturb the worshippers. + </p> + <p> + A couple, one a male and the other a female, will sit far apart on the + cast-iron seat for a moment, when the young lady will try to fix her cloak + over her shoulders, and she can't fix it, and then the young man will help + her, and when he has got it fixed he will go off and leave one arm around + the small of her back. He will miss his arm, and wonder where he left it, + and go back after it, and in the dark he will feel around with the other + hand to find the hand he left, and suddenly the two hands will meet; they + will express astonishment, and clasp each other, and be so glad that they + will begin to squeeze, and the chances are that they will cut the girl in + two, but they never do. Under such circumstances, a girl can exist on less + atmosphere than she can when doing a washing. + </p> + <p> + There is just about so much hugging that has to be done, and the <i>Sentinel</i> + should remember that very many people have not facilities at their homes + for such soul-stirring work, and they are obliged to flee to the parks, or + to the woods, where the beneficent city government has provided all of the + modern improvements. + </p> + <p> + Hugging is as necessary to the youth of the land as medicine to the sick, + and instead of old persons, whose days of kittenhood are over, throwing + cold water upon the science of hugging, they should encourage it by all + legitimate means. + </p> + <p> + When, in strolling through the parks, you run on to a case of sporadic + hugging, instead of making a noise on the gravel walk, to cause the + huggists to stop it, you should trace your steps noiselessly, get behind a + tree, and see how long they can stand it without dying. Instead of + removing the cast-iron seats from the parks, we should be in favor of + furnishing reserved seats for old people, so they can sit and watch the + hugging. + </p> + <p> + It doesn't do any hurt to hug. + </p> + <p> + People think it is unhealthy, but nobody was ever known to catch cold + while hugging. It is claimed by some that young people who stay out nights + and hug, are not good for anything the next day. There is something to + this, but if they didn't get any hugging they wouldn't be worth a cent any + time. They would be all the time looking for it. + </p> + <p> + No, good Mr. <i>Sentinel</i>, on behalf of fifty thousand young people who + have no organ to make known their wants, we ask you to stay your hand, and + do not cause the seats to be removed from the parks. Remember how many + there are who have yet to learn the noble art of hugging, and give them a + chance. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE BOB-TAILED BADGER. + </h2> + <p> + The last legislature, having nothing else to do, passed a law providing + for a change in the coat-of-arms of the State. There was no change, + particularly, except to move the plows and shovels around a little, put on + a few more bars of pig lead, put a new fashioned necktie on the sailor who + holds the rope, the emblem of lynch law, tuck the miner's breeches into + his boots a little further, and amputate the tail of the badger. We do not + care for the other changes, as they were only intended to give the + engraver a job, but when an irresponsible legislature amputates the tail + of the badger, the emblem of the democratic party that crawls into a hole + and pulls the hole in after him, it touches us in our patriotism. + </p> + <p> + The badger, as nature made him, is a noble bird, and though he resembles a + skunk too much to be very proud of, they had no right to cut off his tail + and stick it up like a sore thumb. As it is now the new comer to our + Garden of Eden will not know whether our emblem is a Scotch terrier + smelling into the archives of the State for a rat, or a defalcation, or a + <i>sic semper Americanus scunch</i>. We do not complain that the sailor + with the Pinafore shirt on, on the new coat-of-arms, is made to resemble + Senator Cameron, or that the miner looks like Senator Sawyer. These things + are of minor importance, but the docking of that badger's tail, and + setting it up like a bob-tail horse, is an outrage upon every citizen of + the State, and when the democrats get into power that tail shall be + restored to its normal condition if it takes all the blood and treasure in + the State, and this work of the republican incendiaries shall be undone. + The idea of Wisconsin appearing among the galaxy of States with a + bob-tailed badger is repugnant to all our finer feelings. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CANNIBALS AND CORK LEGS. + </h2> + <p> + Great results are expected from an experiment recently tried by the + American Missionary Society. Last fall they sent as missionary to the + cannibal Islands a brother who had lost both arms and both legs in a + railroad accident. He was provided with cork limbs, and his voice being, + in good condition it was believed he could get in his work with the + heathen as well as though he was a whole man. The idea was to allow the + cannibals to kill him and eat him, believing that the heathen would see + the error of their ways and swear off on human flesh. + </p> + <p> + A report has been received which is very encouraging. It seems that the + cannibals killed the good missionary, and cut off his arms and legs for a + sort of stew, or “boyaw,” thus falling directly into the trap set for them + by the missionary society. The missionary stationed at the next town, who + furnishes the society with the data, says it was the most laughable thing + he ever witnessed, to see the heathen chew on those cork limbs. They + boiled them all day and night, keeping up a sort of a go-as-you-please + walk around, or fresh meat dance, and giving a sacred concert about like + our national “Whoop it up, Liza Jane,” and when they stuck a fork into the + boiling limbs, and found that the “meat” seemed water soaked, they set the + table and sounded the loud timbrel for breakfast. + </p> + <p> + The surviving missionary says he shall never forget the look of pain on + the face of a buck cannibal as he bit into the elbow joint of the late + lamented and struck a brass hinge. He picked it out as an American would + pick a buckshot out of a piece of venison, and laid it beside his plate in + an abstracted manner, and began to chew on the cork elbow. Any person who + has ever tried to draw a cork out of a beer bottle with his teeth can + realize the feelings of these cannibals as they tried to draw sustenance + from the remains of the cork man. They were saddened, and it is safe to + say they are incensed against the missionary society. + </p> + <p> + Whether they will conclude that all Americans have become tough, and quit + trying to masticate them, is not known, though that is the object sought + to be attained by the society. One of the cannibals said he knew, when + those legs and arms would not stay under water when they were boiling, and + had to be loaded down with stones, that the meat wasn't right, but his + wife told him “some pork <i>would</i> bile so.” + </p> + <p> + The experiment is worth following up, and we suppose hereafter there will + be a great demand for men with cork arms and legs to be sent as + missionaries. After a few such experiences the cannibals may see the error + of their ways and become Christians, and eat dog sausage and Limberg + cheese. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE MINISTERIAL PUGILISTS. + </h2> + <p> + Those who read the account of the trial of Rev. Carhart, at Oshkosh, are + about as sick of true goodness as men can be. They open the ecclesiastical + court by singing “A charge to keep I have,” and then Brother Haddock, + after a prayer has been delivered, does not keep his charges, but fires + them at the presiding elder. Good old tunes are sung previous to calling + witnesses to testify to alleged three carde monte acts of a disciple of + Christ. Sanctimonious looking men pray for divine guidance, and then try + to prove that a dear brother has bilked another dear brother out of + several hundred dollars on Texas lands, and that he tried to trade a wagon + at double what it is worth to settle the matter. + </p> + <p> + They sing, “Take me just as I am,” and then try to prove that the one who + made charges against the other is not altogether holy, because he is + alleged to have confessed to passing the night in a room with a female + church member, in silent devotion, when he swears it is a lie,—that + he only laid on a lounge. + </p> + <p> + Prominent Methodists collect at the bull-fight in Oshkosh, take sides with + one or the other, and lay their bottom prayer that their champion will + come out on top, with not a stripe polluted nor a star erased: + </p> + <p> + One side sings, “Jesus caught me when a stranger,” and the other side + smiles and winks and whispers that they are glad he was caught. + </p> + <p> + They sing, “Rock of ages, cleft for me,” and proceed to cleave the rock of + each other's character. They cast one eye heavenward in prayer, while with + the other they watch the other side to see that they don't steal the + testimony. + </p> + <p> + Some one starts “Little drops of water,” and big drops of perspiration + appear on truly good foreheads for fear proof will be adduced to show that + money has been obtained under false pretenses. + </p> + <p> + And this goes by the name of religion! + </p> + <p> + There should be honor among ministers. Both of the principals in this suit + should be bounced. If the charges are true, Carhart should emigrate. If + they are not true, Haddock should emigrate. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MUSIC ON THE WATERS. + </h2> + <p> + Our readers have no doubt noticed in the papers that the Goodrich + Transportation Company had secured a band from Waupun to make music on the + boats of that line between Milwaukee and Chicago this summer. Well, there + is trouble going on in consequence. Mr. Hurson, of the Goodrich line, + entrusted the organization of the band to Mr. Nick Jarvis, of Waupun, a + gentleman whose reputation as a scientific pounder of the bass drum has + received encomiums from the crowned heads of Oshkosh and Hazen's cheese + factory. + </p> + <p> + Having such confidence in Mr. Jarvis, Mr. Hurson gave him a roving + commission, with authority to secure the best talent in the known world. + He organized the band, and then it occurred to Mr. Jarvis that the + musicians had always been accustomed to playing on land, and they might be + sick on the water, so he took measures to accustom them to a sea-faring + life before leaving Waupun. He got them to practicing in a building, and + hired some boys to throw water up on the side of the house, to see if they + would be seasick. The band fellows would have stood the sea first-rate, + only the villains who had been hired to throw the water used a lot of + dirty stuff they found back of a hotel, which smelled powerful. + </p> + <p> + A number of the band members felt the swash of the waves against the + bulwarks of the house, and smelled what they supposed to be salt sea air, + and they leaned out of the windows and wanted to throw up their + situations, but a German in the party had a lemon and some cheese, which + was given around to taste and smell, and they came out of it all right. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Jarvis' next idea, to accustom the prairie sailors to the vasty deep, + was to take them out on the mill pond at Waupun in a skiff. They got out + in the middle of the pond, and were playing a selection from the opera of + “Solid Muldoon,” when a boy who had slipped into the boat with a + fish-pole, got a bite from a bull-head, which caused the vessel to roll, + and the utmost confusion prevailed. Ordering the snare drum player to “cut + away the main bob-stay, and belay the cornet,” Mr. Jarvis took the bass + drum between his teeth and jumped overboard, followed by the band, and + they waded ashore. + </p> + <p> + On Monday last the band arrived in Milwaukee and reported on board the + Goodrich steamer, in the river, ready for business. They were told to go + as they pleased until evening, when they would be expected to play before + the boat started, and also on the trip to Chicago. The men sat around on + deck all the afternoon, and smelled of the river. It smelled different + from any salt water they ever snuffed, and they wanted to go home. + </p> + <p> + At seven o'clock the band played a few tunes as the boat lay in the river, + and finally she let go her ropes and steamed down toward the lake, the + band whooping it up to the “Blue Danube.” As the boat struck blue water, + and her bow raised out about sixteen feet and began to jump, the cornet + player stopped to pour water out of his horn, and lean against a post. He + was as pale as death, and the tuba player stopped to see what ailed the + cornet player, and to lean over the railing to see a man down stairs. The + baritone had eaten something that did not agree with him, and he stopped + playing and laid down in a life boat, the alto became cold around the + extremities and quit playing and went to the smoke stack to warm himself, + the b-flat began to perspire and quit playing and fanned himself with the + cymbals, and all of the horn blowers were e-flat and b-flat on the deck in + less than two minutes. + </p> + <p> + The captain noticed that there was some discrepancy in the music and came + on deck to see about it. Wading through the brass horns he came up to + where the band had been, and found Nick Jarvis beating blazes out of the + bass drum and Harve Hill carving the Blue Danube out of the snare drum, + and that was all the music there was. The captain asked Jarvis what kind + of a riot that was, and he told him it was the best they could do under + the circumstances. + </p> + <p> + Restoratives were applied to the members, and they braced up enough to + start in on “Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep,” but they couldn't play it + through, owing to dyspepsia. The captain got them into the cabin to play + for the young folks to dance, but the only thing they could play without + getting sick was “Home Again, from a Foreign Shore,” and the bass drum had + to do it all. The horn blowers were out looking at the starlight, leaning + over the railing, as the stars were reflected in the water. + </p> + <p> + At Racine it took some time to load, owing to rough water, and in the + midst of it all a pale man, with a snare drum on his arm, rolled up + against the captain. It was Harve Hill. He held his hand over his mouth + and in a voice choked with emotion and fried potatoes he said: + </p> + <p> + “Captain, I am a poor man, but if you will land this boat and save me, I + will give you nine dollars.” + </p> + <p> + The captain decided to dispense with the music the rest of the night, and + let the band get on its sea legs. + </p> + <p> + At Chicago, the next morning, Jarvis, who had got a little sick, too, + tried to induce the captain to allow the band to walk back to Milwaukee on + the shore, beside the boat. He said they could play any tune that ever was + played, on land, and the passengers could hear it just as well, if the + boat kept alongside of the band. The captain wouldn't let them off, and + they have been kept on the boat all the week, so that now they are old + sailors, and can play all right. But it was pretty tough the first night. + Waupun is organizing a reception for the band when it comes home. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WOMAN-DOZING A DEMOCRAT. + </h2> + <p> + A fearful tale comes to us from Columbus. A party of prominent citizens of + that place took a trip to the Dells of Wisconsin one day last week. It was + composed of ladies and gentlemen of both political parties, and it was + hoped that nothing would occur to mar the pleasure of the excursion. + </p> + <p> + When the party visited the Dells, Mr. Chapin, a lawyer of Democratic + proclivities, went out upon a rock overhanging a precipice, or words to + that effect, and he became so absorbed in the beauty of the scene that he + did not notice a Republican lady who left the throng and waltzed softly up + behind him. She had blood in her eye and gum in her mouth, and she grasped + the lawyer, who is a weak man, by the arms, and hissed in his ear: + </p> + <p> + “Hurrah for Garfield, or I will plunge you headlong into the yawning gulf + below!” + </p> + <p> + It was a trying moment. Chapin rather enjoyed being held by a woman, but + not in such a position that, if she let go her hold to spit on her hands, + he would go a hundred feet down, and become as flat as the Greenback + party, and have to be carried home in a basket. + </p> + <p> + In a second he thought over all the sins of his past life, which was + pretty quick work, as anybody will admit who knows the man. He thought of + how he would be looked down upon by Gabe Bouck, and all the fellows, if it + once got out that he had been frightened into going back on his party. + </p> + <p> + He made up his mind that he would die before he would hurrah for Garfield, + but when the merciless woman pushed him towards the edge of the rock, and + said, “Last call! Yell, or down you go!” he opened his mouth and yelled so + they heard it in Kilbourn City: + </p> + <p> + “Hurrah for Garfield! Now lemme go!” + </p> + <p> + Though endowed with more than ordinary eloquence, no remarks that he had + ever made before brought the applause that this did. Everybody yelled, and + the woman smiled as pleasantly as though she had not crushed the young + life out of her victim, and left him a bleeding sacrifice on the altar of + his country, but when she had realized what she had done her heart smote + her, and she felt bad. + </p> + <p> + Chapin will never be himself again. From that moment his proud spirit was + broken, and all during the picnic he seemed to have lost his cud. He + leaned listlessly against a tree, pale as death, and fanned himself with a + skimmer. When the party had spread the lunch on the ground and gathered + around, sitting on the ant-hills, he sat down with them mechanically, but + his appetite was gone, and when that is gone there is not enough of him + left for a quorum. + </p> + <p> + Friends rallied around him, passed the pickles, and drove the antmires out + of a sandwich, and handed it to him on a piece of shingle, but he either + passed or turned it down. He said he couldn't take a trick. Later on, when + the lemonade was brought on, the flies were skimmed off of some of it, and + a little colored water was put in to make it look inviting, but his eyes + were sot. He said they couldn't fool him. After what had occurred, he + didn't feel as though any Democrat was safe. He expected to be poisoned on + account of his politics, and all he asked was to live to get home. + </p> + <p> + Nothing was left undone to rally him, and cause him to forget the fearful + scene through which he had passed. Only once did he partially come to + himself, and show an interest in worldly affairs, and that was when it was + found that he had sat down on some raspberry jam with his white pants on. + When told of it, he smiled a ghastly smile, and said they were all welcome + to his share of the jam. + </p> + <p> + They tried to interest him in conversation by drawing war maps with + three-tined forks on the jam, but he never showed that he knew what they + were about until Mr. Moak, of Watertown, took a brush, made of cauliflower + preserved in mustard, and shaded the lines of the war map on Mr. Cha-pin's + trousers, which Mr. Butterfield had drawn in the jam. Then his artistic + eye took in the incongruity of the colors, and he gasped for breath, and + said: + </p> + <p> + “Moak, that is played out. People will notice it.” + </p> + <p> + But he relapsed again into semi-unconsciousness, and never spoke again, + not a great deal, till he got home. + </p> + <p> + He has ordered that there be no more borrowing of sugar and drawings of + tea back and forth between his house and that of the lady who broke his + heart, and he has announced that he will go without saurkraut all winter + rather than borrow a machine for cutting cabbage of a woman that would + destroy the political prospects of a man who had never done a wrong in his + life. + </p> + <p> + He has written to the chairman of the Democratic State Central Committee + to suspend judgment on his case, until he can explain how it happened that + a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat hurrahed for Garfield. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A LIVELY TRAIN LOAD. + </h2> + <p> + Last week a train load of insane persons were removed from the Oshkosh + Asylum to the Madison Asylum. As the train was standing on the sidetrack + at Watertown Junction it created considerable curiosity. People who have + ever passed Watertown Junction have noticed the fine old gentleman who + comes into the car with a large square basket, peddling popcorn. He is one + of the most innocent and confiding men in the world. He is honest, and he + believes that everybody else is honest. + </p> + <p> + He came up to the depot with his basket, and seeing the train he asked + Pierce, the landlord there, what train it was. Pierce, who is a most + diabolical person, told the old gentleman that it was a load of members of + the legislature and female lobbyists going to Madison. With that beautiful + confidence which the pop corn man has in all persons, he believed the + story, and went in the car to sell pop corn. + </p> + <p> + Stopping at the first seat, where a middle-aged lady was sitting alone, + the pop corn man passed out his basket and said, “fresh pop corn.” The + lady took her foot down off the stove, looked at the man a moment with + eyes glaring and wild, and said, “It is—no, it cannot be—and + yet it <i>is</i> me long lost Duke of Oshkosh,” and she grabbed the old + man by the necktie with one hand and pulled him down into the seat, and + began to mow away corn into her mouth. The pop corn man blushed, looked at + the rest of the passengers to see if they were looking, and said, as he + replaced the necktie knot from under his left ear and pushed his collar + down, “Madame, you are mistaken. I have never been a duke in Oshkosh. I + live here at the Junction.” The woman looked at him as though she doubted + his statement, but let him go. + </p> + <p> + He proceeded to the next seat, when a serious looking man rose up and + bowed; the pop corn man also bowed and smiled as though he might have met + him before. Taking a paper of pop corn and putting it in his coat tail + pocket, the serious man said, “I was honestly elected President of the + United States in 1876, but was counted out by the vilest conspiracy that + ever was concocted on the earth, and I believe you are one of the + conspirators,” and he spit on his hands and looked the pop corn man in the + eye. The pop corn man said he never took any active part in politics, and + had nothing to do with that Hayes business at all. Then the serious man + sat down and began eating the pop corn, while two women on the other side + of the car helped themselves to the corn in the basket. + </p> + <p> + The pop corn man held out his hand for the money, when a man two seats + back came forward and shook hands with him, saying: “They told me you + would not come, but you have come, Daniel, and now we will fight it out. I + will take this razor, and you can arm yourself at your leisure.” The man + reached into an inside, pocket of his coat, evidently for a razor, when + the pop corn man started for the door, his eyes sticking out two inches. + Every person he passed took a paper of pop corn, one man grabbed his coat + and tore one tail off, another took his basket away and as he rushed out + on the platform the basket was thrown at his head, and a female voice + said, “I will be ready when the carriage calls at 8.” + </p> + <p> + As the old gentleman struck the platform and began to arrange his toilet + he met Fitzgerald, the conductor, who asked him what was the matter. He + said Pierce told him that crowd was going to the legislature, “but,” says + he, as he picked some pieces of paper collar out of the back of his neck, + “if those people are not delegates to a democratic convention, then I have + been peddling pop corn on this road ten years for nothing, and don't know + my business.” Fitz told him they were patients going to the Insane Asylum. + </p> + <p> + The old man thought it over a moment, and then he picked up a coupling pin + and went looking for Pierce. He says he will kill him. Pierce has not been + out of the house since. This Pierce is the same man that lent us a runaway + horse once. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HOW SHARPER THAN A HOUND'S TOOTH. + </h2> + <p> + Years ago we swore on a stack of red chips that we would never own another + dog. Six promising pups that had been presented to us, blooded setters and + pointers, had gone the way of all dog flesh, with the distemper and dog + buttons, and by falling in the cistern, and we had been bereaved <i>via</i> + dog misfortunes as often as John R. Bennett, of Janesville, has been + bereaved on the nomination for attorney general. We could not look a pup + in the face but it would get sick, and so we concluded never again to own + a dog. + </p> + <p> + The vow has been religiously kept since. Men have promised us thousands of + pups, but we have never taken them. One conductor has promised us at least + seventy-five pups, but he has always failed to get us to take one. Dog + lovers have set up nights to devise a way to induce us to accept a dog. We + held out firmly until last week. One day we met Pierce, the Watertown + Junction hotel man, and he told us he had a greyhound pup that was the + finest bread dog—we think he said bread dog, though it might have + been a sausage dog he said—anyway he told us it was blooded, and + that when it grew up to be a man—that is, figuratively speaking—when + it grew up to be a dog full size, it would be the handsomest canine in the + Northwest. + </p> + <p> + We kicked on it, entirely, at first, but when he told us hundreds of men + who had seen the pup had offered him thousands of dollars for it, but that + he had rather give it to a friend than sell it to a stranger; we weakened, + and told him to send it in. + </p> + <p> + Well—(excuse us while we go into a corner and mutter a silent + remark)—it came in on the train Monday, and was taken to the barn. + It is the confoundedest looking dog that a white man ever set eyes on. It + is about the color of putty, and about seven feet long, though it is only + six months old. The tail is longer than a whip lash, and when you speak + sassy to that dog, the tail will begin to curl around under him, amongst + his legs, double around over his neck and back over where the tail + originally was hitched to the dog, and then there is tail enough left for + four ordinary dogs. + </p> + <p> + It is the longest tail we have ever seen in one number. If that tail was + cut up into ordinary tails, such as common dogs wear, there would be + enough for all the dogs in the Seventh ward, with enough left for a white + wire clothes line. When he lays down his tail curls up like a coil of + telephone wire, and if you take hold of it and wring you can hear the dog + at the central office. If that dog is as long in proportion, when he gets + his growth, and his tail grows as much as his body does, the dog will + reach from here to the Soldier's home. + </p> + <p> + His head is about as big as a graham gem, and runs down to a point not + bigger than a cambric needle, while his ears are about as big as a thumb + to a glove, and they hang down as though the dog didn't want to hear + anything. How a head of that kind can contain brains enough to cause a dog + to know enough to go in when it rains is a mystery. But he seems to be + intelligent. + </p> + <p> + If a man comes along on the sidewalk, the dog will follow him off, follow + him until he meets another man, and then he follows <i>him</i> till he + meets another, and so on until he has followed the entire population. He + is not an aristocratic dog, but will follow one person just as soon as + another, and to see him going along the street, with his tail coiled up, + apparently oblivious to every human sentiment, it is touching. + </p> + <p> + His legs are about the size of pipe stems, and his feet are as big as a + base ball base. He wanders around, following a boy, then a middle aged + man, then a little girl, then an old man, and finally, about meal time, + the last person he follows seems to go by the barn and the dog wanders in + and looks for a buffalo robe or a harness tug to chew. It does not cost + anything to keep him, as he has only eaten one trotting harness and one + fox skin robe since Monday, though it may not be right to judge of his + appetite, as he may be a little off his feed. + </p> + <p> + Pierce said he would be a nice dog to run with a horse, or under a + carriage. Why, bless you, he won't go within twenty feet of a horse, and a + horse would run away to look at him; besides, he gets right under a + carriage wheel, and when the wheel runs over him he complains, and sings + Pinafore. + </p> + <p> + What under the sun that dog is ever going to be good for is more than we + know. He is too lean and bony for sausage. A piece of that dog as big as + your finger in a sausage would ruin a butcher. It would be a dead give + away. He looks as though he might point game, if the game was brought to + his attention, but he would be just as liable to point a cow. He might do + to stuff and place in a front yard to frighten burglars. If a burglar + wouldn't be frightened at that dog nothing would scare him. + </p> + <p> + Anyway, now we have got him, we will bring him up, though it seems as + though he would resemble a truss bridge or a refrigerator car, as much as + a dog, when he gets his growth. For fear he will follow off a wagon track + we tie a knot in his tail. Parties who have never seen a very long dog can + call at the barn about meal time and see him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A SEWING MACHINE GIVEN TO THE BOSS GIRL. + </h2> + <p> + In response to a request from W. T. Vankirk, George W. Peck presented the + Rock County Agricultural Society with a sewing machine, to be given to the + “boss combination girl” of Rock County. With the machine he sent the + following letter, which explains his meaning of a “combination girl,” + etc.: + </p> + <p> + Milwaukee, June 7, 1881. + </p> + <p> + W. T. Vankirk—Dear Sir: Your letter, in reference to my giving some + kind of a premium to somebody, at your County Fair, is received, and I + have been thinking it over. I have brought my massive intellect to bear + upon the subject, with the following result: + </p> + <p> + I ship you to-day, by express, a sewing machine, complete, with cover, + drop leaf, hemmer, tucker, feller, drawers, and everything that a girl + wants, except corsets and tall stockings. Now, I want you to give that to + the best “combination girl” in Rock County, with the compliments of the <i>Sun</i>. + </p> + <p> + What I mean by a “combination,” is one that in the opinion of your + Committee has all the modern improvements, and a few of the old-fashioned + faults, such as health, etc. She must be good-looking, that is, not too + handsome, but just handsome enough. You don't want to give this machine to + any female statue, or parlor ornament, who don't know how to play a tune + on it, or who is as cold as a refrigerator car, and has no heart concealed + about her person. Our girl, that is, our “Fair Girl,” that takes this + machine, must be “the boss.” She must be jolly and good-natured, such a + girl as would make the young man that married her think that Rock County + was the next door to heaven, anyway. She must be so healthy that nature's + roses will discount any preparation ever made by man, and so well-formed + that nothing artificial is needed to—well, Van, you know what I + mean. + </p> + <p> + You want to pick out a thoroughbred, that is, all wool, a yard wide—that + is, understand me, I don't want the girl to be a yard wide, but just + right. Your Committee don't want to get “mashed” on some ethereal creature + whose belt is not big enough for a dog collar. This premium girl wants to + be able to do a day's work, if necessary, and one there is no danger of + breaking in two if her intended should hug her. + </p> + <p> + After your Committee have got their eyes on a few girls that they think + will fill the bill, then they want to find out what kind of girls they are + around their home. Find if they honor their fathers and their mothers, and + are helpful, and care as much for the happiness of those around them as + they do for their own. If you find one who is handsome as Venus—I + don't know Venus, but I have heard that she takes the cake—I say, if + you find one that is perfect in everything, but shirks her duties at home, + and plays, “I Want to Be an Angel,” on the piano, while her mother is + mending her stockings, or ironing her “picnic skirts,” then let her go + ahead and be an angel as quick as she wants to, but don't give her the + machine.. You catch the idea? + </p> + <p> + Find a girl who has the elements of a noble woman; one whose heart is so + large that she has to wear a little larger corset than some, but one who + will make her home happy, and who is a friend to all; one who would walk + further to do a good deed, and relieve suffering, than she would to + patronize an ice cream saloon; one who would keep her mouth shut a month + before she would say an unkind word, or cause a pang to another. Let your + Committee settle on such a girl, and she is as welcome to that machine as + possible. + </p> + <p> + Now, Van, you ought to have a Committee appointed at once, and no one + should know who the Committee is. They should keep their eyes out from now + till the time of the Fair, and they should compare notes once in a while. + You have got some splendid judges of girls there in Janesville, but you + better appoint married men. They are usually more unbiased. They should + not let any girl know that she is suspected of being the premium girl, + until the judgment is rendered, so no one will be embarrassed by feeling + that she is competing tor a prize. + </p> + <p> + Now, Boss, I leave the constitution and the girls in your hands; and if + this premium is the means of creating any additional interest in your + Fair, and making people feel good natured and jolly, I shall be amply + repaid. + </p> + <p> + Your friend, + </p> + <p> + Geo. W. Peck. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DON'T APPRECIATE KINDNESS. + </h2> + <p> + One of the members of the Humane Society, who lives in an aristocratic + ward, had been annoyed at hearing sounds from a stable near his residence, + which indicated that a boy who had charge of a horse was in the habit of + pounding the animal vigorously every morning, while cleaning off the dirt. + It seemed to the humane man that the boy must use a barrel stave or fence + board to curry off the horse, and the way the animal danced around the + barn was terrible. + </p> + <p> + It occurred every morning, and the humane man made up his mind that it was + his duty to put a stop to it. He went to the barn one morning, just as the + cotillion commenced. Looking through a knot hole he saw the horse tied so + his head was away up to the top of the barn, so he could not use his teeth + to defend himself. The boy stood with a curry comb in one hand and a piece + of plank in the other, and he warmed the horse with both, and the animal + kicked for all that was out. + </p> + <p> + The humane man thought this was the worst case of cruelty to animals that + ever was, and he rapped for admission. The boy, covered with perspiration, + horse tail, stable refuse and indignation, opened the door, and the humane + man proceeded to read him a lecture about cruelty to dumb animals, called + him a fiend in human form, and told him that kindness was what was + necessary, instead of a club. + </p> + <p> + The boy couldn't get in a word edgeways for a while, but when the man had + exhausted his talk the boy told him that kindness might work on ordinary + horses, but this horse was the meanest animal in the world. He would bite + and kick without any provocation, and the present owner couldn't sell him + or give him away. He said that the only way he could be curried was to tie + him up at both ends, and the only way he could be harnessed was to toss + the harness on him with a pitch fork. + </p> + <p> + The horse, with his head tied up so high that he could not use it, looked + down at the humane man with one eye filled with emotion—the other + eye had been knocked out years ago—and seemed to be thanking the + kind-hearted citizen for interfering in the matinee and causing + hostilities to be suspended. The humane man was touched by the intelligent + look of the horse, and insisted that the animal be untied and allowed its + freedom. The boy said he didn't dare untie him, for he would kick the side + of the barn out, but the man insisted that he should release the horse, + and went up to his head to do so, when the boy went through the manure + hole in the side of the barn. + </p> + <p> + What happened when the humane citizen untied the halter will perhaps never + be definitely known, but no sooner had the boy struck the ground through + the hole, than there was a sound of revelry in the barn, there came a yell + through the crevices, there seemed to be a company of cavalry drilling on + the barn floor, there was a sound as of cloth tearing, and then it + appeared as though something was climbing up the inside of the barn, and + after which the hind heels of the horse could be heard playing the snare + drum on the manger. The boy roused the neighbors and they armed themselves + and entered the barn. They found the horse in the stall, with its head + where its tail should be, with its mouth full of pantaloons cloth, and + kicking away as though its heart would break. + </p> + <p> + And the humane man, where, O, where was he? Ask of the winds that far + around with fragments of hat and coat tail strewed the barn floor. + </p> + <p> + “Shoot the horse.” said a faint voice from the upper part of the barn, and + every eye was turned in that direction. The humane man was up there, + clinging to a cross piece. He had evidently gone up the ladder which led + to the hay loft, a little ahead of the horse, and as he clung to the cross + piece, his coat tail gone, and the vital part of his pantaloons and some + skin gone to that bourne from whence no pantaloons seat returns, his bald + head covered with dust and cobwebs, he was a picture of meekness. + </p> + <p> + The crowd got the horse into another stall, head first, and put bars + across, and the humane man came down from his perch. Seizing a barn + shovel, and spitting on his hands, he asked his friends to wait and watch + him curry off that horse just a minute for luck. He said he only wanted to + live just long enough to maul every rib out of the animal, and if he was + forgiven for interfering in somebody's else's business this time he would + try and lead a different life in the future. + </p> + <p> + They put a horse blanket around his wounds and led him home, and he has + given the boy five dollars to pound the horse an hour every morning for + the next thirty days. You can't make that man believe that a horse has any + intelligence. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + RELIGION AND FISH. + </h2> + <p> + Newspaper reports of the proceedings of the Sunday School Association + encamped on Lake Monona, at Madison, give about as many particulars of big + catches of fish as of sinners. The delegates divide their time catching + sinners on spoon-hooks and bringing pickerel to repentance. Some of the + good men hurry up their prayers, and while the “Amen” is leaving their + lips they snatch a fish-pole in one hand and a baking-powder box full of + angle worms in the other, and light out for the Beautiful Beyond, where + the rock bass turn up sideways, and the wicked cease from troubling. + </p> + <p> + Discussions on how to bring up children in the way they should go are + broken into by a deacon with his nose peeled coming up the bank with a + string of perch in one hand, a broken fish-pole in the other, and a pair + of dropsical pantaloons dripping dirty water into his shoes. + </p> + <p> + It is said to be a beautiful sight to see a truly good man offering up + supplications from under a wide-brimmed fishing hat, and as he talks of + the worm that never, or hardly ever dies, red angle worms that have dug + out of the piece of paper in which they were rolled up are crawling out of + his vest pocket. + </p> + <p> + The good brothers compare notes of good places to do missionary work, + where sinners are so thick you can knock them down with a club, and then + they get boats and row to some place on the lake where a local liar has + told them the fish are just sitting around on their haunches waiting for + some one to throw in a hook. + </p> + <p> + This mixing religion with fishing for black bass and pickerel is a good + thing for religion, and not a bad thing for the fish. Let these Christian + statesmen get “mashed” on the sport of catching fish, and they will have + more charity for the poor man who, after working hard twelve hours a day + for six days, goes out on a lake Sunday and soaks a worm in the water and + appeases the appetite of a few of God's hungry pike, and gets dinner for + himself in the bargain. While arguing that it is wrong to fish on Sunday, + they will be brought right close to the fish, and can see better than + before, that if a poor man is rowing a boat across a lake on Sunday, and + his hook hangs over the stern, with a piece of liver on, and a fish that + nature has made hungry tries to steal his line and pole and liver, it is a + duty he owes to society to take that fish by the gills, put it in the boat + and reason with it, and try to show it that in leaving its devotions on a + Sunday and snapping at a poor man's only hook, it was setting a bad + example. + </p> + <p> + These Sunday school people will have a nice time, and do a great amount of + good, if the fish continue to bite, and they can go home with their hearts + full of the grace of God, their stomachs full of fish, their teeth full of + bones; and if they fall out of the boats, and their suspenders hold out, + they may catch a basin full of eels in the basement of their pantaloons. + </p> + <p> + But we trust they will not try to compete with the local sports in telling + fish stories. That would break up a whole Sunday school system. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A DOCTOR OF LAWS. + </h2> + <p> + A doctor at Ashland is also a justice of the peace, and when he is called + to visit a house he don't know whether he is to physic or to marry. + Several times he has been, called out in the night, to the country, and he + supposed some one must be awful sick, and he took a cart load of + medicines, only to find somebody wanted marrying. He has been fooled so + much that when he is called out now he carries a pill-bag and a copy of + the statutes, and tells them to take their choice. + </p> + <p> + He was called to one house and found a girl who seemed feverish. She was + sitting up in a chair, dressed nicely, but he saw at once that the fatal + flush was on her cheek, and her eyes looked peculiar. He felt of her + pulse, and it was beating at the rate of two hundred a minute. He asked + her to run out her tongue, and she run out eight or nine inches of the + lower end of it. It was covered with a black coating, and he shook his + head and looked sad. She had never been married any before, and supposed + that it was necessary for a justice who was going to marry a couple to + know all about their physical condition, so she kept quiet and answered + questions. + </p> + <p> + She did not tell him that she had been eating huckleberry pie, so he laid + the coating on her tongue to some disease that was undermining her + constitution. He put his ear on her chest and listened to the beating of + her heart, and shook his head again. + </p> + <p> + He asked her if she had been exposed to any contagious disease. She didn't + know what a contagious disease was, but on the hypothesis that he had + reference to sparking, she blushed and said she had, but only two + evenings, because John had only just got back from the woods where he had + been chopping, and she had to sit up with him. + </p> + <p> + The doctor got out his pill-bags and made some quinine powders, and gave + her some medicine in two tumblers, to be taken alternately, and told her + to soak her feet and go to bed, and put a hot mustard poultice on her + chest, and some onions around her neck. + </p> + <p> + She was mad, and flared right up, and said she wasn't very well posted, + and lived in the country, but if she knew her own heart she would not play + such a trick as that on a new husband. + </p> + <p> + The doctor got mad, and asked her if she thought he didn't understand his + business; and he was about to go and let her die, when the bridegroom came + in and told him to go ahead with the marrying. The doc said that altered + the case. He said next time he came he should know what to bring, and then + she blushed, and told him he was an old fool anyway, but he pronounced + them man and wife, and said the prescription would be five dollars, the + same as though there had been somebody sick. + </p> + <p> + But the doc had cheek. Just as he was leaving he asked the bridegroom if + he didn't want to ride up to Ashland with him, it was only eighteen miles, + and the ride would be lonesome, but the bride said not if the court knew + herself, and the bridegroom said now he was there he guessed he would + stay. He said he didn't care much about going to Ashland anyway. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DIFFERENCE IN HORSES. + </h2> + <p> + There has been a great change in livery horses within the last twenty + years. Years ago, if a young fellow wanted to take his girl out riding, + and expected to enjoy himself, he had to hire an old horse, the worst in + the livery stable, that would drive itself, or he never could get his arm + around his girl to save him. If he took a decent looking team, to to put + on style, he had to hang on to the lines with both hands, and if he even + took his eyes off the team to look at the suffering girl beside him, with + his mouth, the chances were that the team would jump over a ditch, or run + away, at the concussion. Riding out with girls was shorn of much of its + pleasure in those days. + </p> + <p> + We knew a young man that was going to put one arm around his girl if he + did not lay up a cent, and it cost him over three hundred dollars. The + team ran away, the buggy was wrecked, one horse was killed, the girl had + her hind leg broken, and the girl's father kicked the young man all over + the orchard, and broke the mainspring of his watch. + </p> + <p> + It got so that the livery rig a young man drove was an index to his + thoughts. If he had a stylish team that was right up on the bit, and full + of vinegar, and he braced himself and pulled for all that was out, and the + girl sat back in the corner of the buggy, looking as though she should + faint away if a horse got his tail over a line, then people said that + couple was all right, and there was no danger that they would be on + familiar terms. + </p> + <p> + But if they started out with a slow old horse that looked as though all he + wanted was to be left alone, however innocent the party might look, people + knew just as well as though they had seen it, that when they got out on + the road, or when night came on, that fellow's arm would steal around her + waist, and she would snug up to him, and—Oh, pshaw, you have heard + it before. + </p> + <p> + Well, late years the livery men have “got onto the racket,” as they say at + the church sociables. They have found that horses that know their business + are in demand, and so horses are trained for this purpose They are trained + on purpose for out door sparking. It is not an uncommon thing to see a + young fellow drive up to the house where his girl lives with a team that + is just tearing things. They prance, and champ the bit, and the young man + seems to pull on them as though his liver was coming out. The horses will + hardly stand still long enough for the girl to get in, and then they start + off and seem to split the air wide open, and the neighbors say, “Them + children will get all smashed up one of these days.” + </p> + <p> + The girl's mother and father see the team start, and their minds + experience a relief as they reflect that “as long as John drives that + frisky team there can't be no hugging a going on.” The girl's older sister + sighs and says, “That's so,” and goes to her room and laughs right out + loud. + </p> + <p> + It would be instructive to the scientists to watch that team for a few + miles. The horses fairly foam, before they get out of town, but striking + the country road, the fiery steeds come down to a walk, and they mope + along as though they had always worked on a hearse. The shady woods are + reached, and the carriage scarcely moves, and the horses seem to be + walking in their sleep. The lines are loose on the dash board, and the + left arm of the driver is around the pretty girl, and they are talking + low. It is not necessary to talk loud, as they are so near each other that + the faintest whisper can be heard. + </p> + <p> + But a change comes over them. A carriage appears in front, coming towards + them. It may be some one that knows them. The young man picks up the + lines, and the horses are in the air, and as they pass the other carriage + it almost seems as though the team is running away, and the girl that was + in sweet repose a moment before acts as though she wanted to get out. + After passing the intruder the walk and conversation are continued. + </p> + <p> + If you meet the party on the Whitefish Bay road at 10 o'clock at night, + the horses are walking as quietly as oxen, and they never wake up until + coming into town, and then he pulls up the team and drives through town + like a cyclone, and when he drives up to the house the old man is on the + steps, and he thinks John must be awful tired trying to hold that team. + And he is. + </p> + <p> + It is thought by some that horses have no intelligence, but a team that + knows enough to take in a sporadic case of buggy sparking has got sense. + These teams come high, but the boys have to have them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ADDICTED TO LIMBURG CHEESE. + </h2> + <p> + During the investigation of Chief Kennedy one witness testified to + something that ought to make it hot for the chief. When men stoop to do + the things that Mr. Chapin testified to, an outraged public sentiment has + got to step in. Mr. Chapin testified—and he is a man whose word is + as good as our note—he said he met Kennedy in a street car, and his + breath smelled of limburg cheese. That is enough. Carry his remains out. + </p> + <p> + Any man who will appear in a public place, among folks, with his breath + smelling of limburg cheese, has got his opinion of us. It is simply + damnable. We can see how a man who likes limburg cheese is liable, though + he may have sworn off, to return to the mustard cup, and after the first + taste, fill his skin full of cheese, arguing that one may as well die for + an old sheep as a lamb. + </p> + <p> + It is a well known fact, agreed to by all scientists, that a single + mouthful' will tarnish an otherwise virtuous breath as much as a whole + cheese. One mouthful of cheese leads on to another, and we are prepared to + believe that if the chief smelled of cheese at all, he was full of it. + </p> + <p> + Men cannot be too careful of cheese. If a man feels that he is going to + commit the dastardly act of eating limburg cheese, he has time to go out + to a glue factory, or a slaughter house, or the house of correction, or + some other place whose offense is rank. + </p> + <p> + The desire to eat cheese does not come upon a man suddenly, like the + desire to take a drink, or stand off a creditor, and he is not taken + possession of by the demon of appetite and pulled to the nearest saloon by + a forty horse power devil, as is the man who has the jim jams. + </p> + <p> + The cheese does its work more quietly. It whispers to him about 11 o'clock + a. m., and says there is nothing like cheese. He stands it off, and again + in the afternoon the cheese takes possession of him and leads him on step + by step, by green fields, and yet he does not fall. But about 9 o'clock p. + m. the air seems full of cheese, and he smells it wherever he goes, and + finally, after resisting for ten hours, he goes and orders a cheese + sandwich. + </p> + <p> + Now, when the feeling first comes on, and he shuts his eyes and imagines + he sees limburg cheese, if the victim would go and buy a slice and go away + out in the country, by the fertilizer factory, he could eat his cheese and + no one but the workmen in the fertilizer factory could complain. That is + what ought to be done when a man is addicted to cheese. + </p> + <p> + But this chief of police has stood up in the face of public opinion, eaten + limburg cheese with brazen effrontery that would do credit to a lawyer, + and has gone into a public conveyance, breathing pestilence and cheese. + There is no law on our statute books that is adequate to punish a man who + will thus trample upon the usages of society. + </p> + <p> + However, the conviction of Kennedy of eating limburg cheese will be the + means of acquitting him of the other charge, that of conversing with a + lewd woman. We doubt if there is a lewd woman, though she be terribly + lewd, who would allow a man to come within several blocks of her who had + been eating that deceased cheese. + </p> + <p> + If we were in Kennedy's place we would admit the cheese, and then bring + ten thousand women to swear whether they would remain in the same room + with a man who had been eating that cheese. There are men who <i>do</i> + eat cheese, bad men, the wicked classes, who go into the presence of + females, but that is one thing which causes so many suicides among the + poor fallen girls. When we hear that another naughty but nice looking girl + has been filling her skin full of paregoric and is standing off a doctor + with a stomach pump, we instinctively feel as though some man with a smell + of cheese about his garments had been paying attention to her, and she had + become desperate. + </p> + <p> + If they discharge the chief on that cheese testimony it will be a lesson + to all men hereafter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TERRIBLE TIME ON THE CARS. + </h2> + <p> + There is something about the average Chicago young man that gives him + away, and gives away anybody that gets in with him. He is full of + practical jokes, and is a bad egg on general principles. + </p> + <p> + Last week Mr. Eppenetus Hoyt, of Fond du Lac, went to Chicago on a visit. + He is a pious gentleman, whose candor would carry conviction to the mind + of the seeker after righteousness, and his presence at the prayer meeting, + at the sociable or the horse-race, is an evidence that everything will be + conducted on the square. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hoyt knew a young man named Johnny Darling, who was attending Rush + Medical College, and through him was permitted to visit the + dissecting-room, and gaze upon the missionary work being done there. Mr. + Hoyt was introduced to a number of the wicked young men who were carving + the late lamented, and after he got accustomed to the climate he rather + enjoyed the performance. + </p> + <p> + Whether young Mr. Darling told the boys that Mr. Hoyt was “fresh” or not, + will, perhaps, never be known; but, as Mr. Hoyt passed around among the + slabs where they were at work, each made a contribution from the “stiff” + he was at work upon to Mr. Hoyt's coat pockets unbeknown to him. While one + was calling his attention to a limb that he was dissecting, another would + cut off an ear, or a finger, or a nose, or dig out an eye, and drop the + same into Mr. Hoyt's overcoat pockets. Finally, he bid the boys good-bye, + thanked them for their courtesies in showing him around, told them if they + ever came to Fond du Lac his pew in church was at their disposal, and he + skipped for the train and got on board. + </p> + <p> + The seats were all occupied, and a middle aged lady, with a slim face and + spectacles, and evidently an old maid, allowed him to sit beside her. The + car was warm, and it was not long before the “remains” began to be heard + from. He was talking to the lady about the “sweet by-and-by,” and the hope + of a glorious immortality beyond the grave, and of the inducements held + out by the good book to those who try to lead a different life here on + earth, when he smelled something. The lady had been smelling it for some + miles back, and she had got her eye on Mr. Hoyt, and had put her + handkerchief to her nose. He took a long breath and said to the lady: + </p> + <p> + “The air seems sort o' fixed here in this car, does it not?” and he looked + up at the transom. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said the lady, as she turned pale, and asked him to let her out of + the seat, “it is very much fixed, and I believe <i>that you are the man + that fixed it!</i>” and she took her satchel and went to the rear of the + car, where she glared at him as though he was a fat rendering + establishment. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hoyt devoted a few moments to silent prayer, and then his attention + was called to a new married couple, in the seat ahead of him. They had + been having their heads close together, when suddenly the bride said: + </p> + <p> + “Hennery, have you been drinking?” + </p> + <p> + He vowed by all that was great and glorious that he had not, when she told + him there was something about his breath that reminded her of strong + drink, or a packing-house. + </p> + <p> + He allowed that it was not him, but admitted that he had noticed there was + something wrong, though he didn't know but it was some of her teeth that + needed filling. + </p> + <p> + They were both mad at the insinuations of the other, and the bride leaned + on the window and cried, while the groom looked the other way, and acted + cross. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hoyt was very much annoyed at the smell. + </p> + <p> + The smell remained, and people all around him got up and went to the + forward end of the car, or to the rear, and there were a dozen empty seats + when the conductor came in, and lots of people standing up. The conductor + got one sniff, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Whoever has got that piece of limberger cheese in his pocket, will have + to go in the emigrant car!” + </p> + <p> + They all looked at Hoyt, and the conductor went up to him and asked him if + he didn't know any bettor than to be carrying around such cheese as that? + </p> + <p> + Hoyt said he hadn't got no cheese. + </p> + <p> + The conductor insisted that he had, and told him to turn his pockets wrong + side out. + </p> + <p> + Hoyt jabbed his hands into his pockets, and felt something cold and + clammy. He drew his hands out empty, turned pale, and said he didn't have + any cheese. + </p> + <p> + The conductor insisted on his feeling again, and he brought to the surface + a couple of human ears, a finger, and a thumb. + </p> + <p> + “What in the name of the Apostles have you got there?” says the conductor. + “Do you belong to any canning establishment that sends canned missionary + to the heathen cannibals?” + </p> + <p> + Hoyt told the conductor to come in the baggage car, and he would explain + all; and as he passed by the passengers, with both hands full of the + remains, the passengers were ready to lynch Hoyt. He told the conductor + where he had been, and the boys had played it on him, and the fingers and + things were thrown beside the track, where some one will find them and + think a murder has been committed. + </p> + <p> + Afterwards Hoyt went into the car and tried to apologize to the old maid, + but she said if he didn't go away from her she would scream. Hoyt would + always rather go away than have a woman scream. + </p> + <p> + He is trying to think of some way to get even with the boys of Rush + Medical College. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHANGED SATCHELS. + </h2> + <p> + There was one of those old fashioned mistakes occurred on the train from + Monroe to Janesville a week or so ago. A traveling man and a girl who was + going to Milton College sat in adjoining seats, and their satchels were + exactly alike, and the traveling man took the wrong satchel and got off at + Janesville, and the girl went on to Milton. + </p> + <p> + The drummer went down to Vankirk's grocery and put his satchel on the + counter, and asked Van how his liver was getting along, while he picked a + piece off a codfish and ate it, and then smelled of his fingers and said + “Whew!” Van said his liver was “not very torpid, thank you; how are you + fixed for tea?” The drummer said he wished he had as many dollars as he + was fixed for tea, and began to open his sample case. Van cut off a piece + of cheese and was eating it while he walked along towards the drummer. + </p> + <p> + When the case was opened the drummer fell over against a barrel of brooms, + and grasping a keg of maple syrup for support, turned pale and said he'd + be dashed. Van looked in the sample case, and said, “Fixed for tea! I + should think you was, but it wasn't that kind of tea I want.” + </p> + <p> + There was a long female night-shirt, clapboarded up in front with trimming + and starch, and buttoned from Genesis to Revelations. Van took a butter + tryer and lifted it out, and there was more than a peck measure full of + stuff that never belonged in no grocery. Van said: “If you are traveling + for a millinery house I will send a boy to direct you to a millinery + store.” + </p> + <p> + The drummer wiped the perspiration from his face with a coffee sack and + told Van he would give him a million dollars if he never would let the + house in Milwaukee know about it, and he chucked the things back in. “What + is this?” said Van, as he held up a pair of giddy looking affairs that no + drummer ever wore on his own person. “Don't ask <i>me</i>” says the + drummer, “I am not a married man.” + </p> + <p> + He took the satchel and went to Milton on the next train. The girl had + opened the satchel which fell to her in the division to show her room-mate + how to make a stitch in crochet, and when the brown sugar, coffee, tea, + rice, bottles of syrup, maccaroni and a pack of cards came in sight, she + fairly squealed. Along after dinner the drummer called and asked for an + exchange, and they exchanged, and it was hard to tell which blushed the + most. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE NAUGHTY BUT NICE CHURCH CHOIR. + </h2> + <p> + You may organize a church choir and think you have got it down fine, and + that every member of it is pious and full of true goodness, and in such a + moment as you think not you will find that one or more of them are full of + the old Harry, and it will break out when you least expect it. There is no + more beautiful sight to the student of nature than a church choir. To see + the members sitting together, demure, devoted and pious looking, you think + that there is never a thought enters their mind that is not connected with + singing anthems, but sometimes you get left. + </p> + <p> + There is one church choir in Milwaukee that is about as near perfect as a + choir can be. It has been organized for a long time, and has never + quarreled, and the congregation swears by it. When the choir strikes a + devotional attitude it is enough to make an ordinary christian think of + the angel band above, only the male singers wear whiskers, and the females + wear fashionable clothes. + </p> + <p> + You would not think that this choir played tricks on each other during the + sermon, but sometimes they do. The choir is furnished with the numbers of + the hymns that are to be sung, by the minister, and they put a book mark + in the book at the proper place. One morning they all got up to sing, when + the soprano turned pale as an ace of spades dropped out of her hymn book, + the alto nearly fainted when a queen of hearts dropped at her feet, and + the rest of the pack was distributed around in the other books. They laid + it onto the tenor, but he swore, while the minister was preaching, that he + didn't know one card from another. + </p> + <p> + One morning last summer, after the tenor had been playing tricks all + Spring on the rest of the choir, the soprano brought a chunk of + shoemaker's wax to church. The tenor was arrayed like Solomon, in all his + glory, with white pants, and a Seymour coat. The tenor got up to see who + the girl was who came in with the old lady, and while he was up the + soprano put the shoemakers' wax on the chair, and the tenor sat down on + it. They all saw it, and they waited for the result. It was an awful long + prayer, and the church was hot, the tenor was no iceberg himself, and + shoemakers' wax melts at ninety-eight degrees Fahrenheit. + </p> + <p> + The minister finally got to the amen, and read a hymn, the choir coughed + and all rose up. The chair that the tenor was in stuck to him like a + brother, and came right along and nearly broke his suspenders. It was the + tenor to bat, and as the great organ struck up he pushed the chair off of + his person, looked around to see if he had saved his pants, and began to + sing, and the rest of the choir came near bursting. The tenor was called + out on three strikes by the umpire, and the alto had to sail in, and while + she was singing the tenor began to feel of first base to see what was the + matter. When he got his hand on the shoemaker's warm wax his heart smote + him, and he looked daggers at the soprano, but she put on a pious look and + got her mouth ready to sing “Hold the Fort.” + </p> + <p> + Well, the tenor sat down on a white handkerchief before he went home, and + he got home without anybody seeing him, and he has been, as the old saying + is, “laying” for the soprano ever since to get even. + </p> + <p> + It is customary in all first-class choirs for the male singers to furnish + candy for the lady singers, and the other day the tenor went to a candy + factory and had a peppermint lozenger made with about half a teaspoonful + of cayenne pepper in the centre of it. On Christmas he took his lozenger + to church and concluded to get even with the soprano if he died for it. + </p> + <p> + Candy had been passed around, and just before the hymn was given out in + which the soprano was to sing a solo, “Nearer My God to Thee,” the wicked + wretch gave her the loaded lozenger. She put it in her mouth and nibbed + off the edges, and was rolling it as a sweet morsel under her tongue, when + the organ struck up and they all arose. While the choir was skirmishing on + the first part of the verse and getting scored up for the solo, she chewed + what was left of the candy and swallowed it. + </p> + <p> + Well, if a democratic torch-light procession had marched unbidden down her + throat she couldn't have been any more astonished. She leaned over to pick + up her handkerchief and spit the candy out, but there was enough pepper + left around the selvage of her mouth to have pickled a peck of chow-chow. + </p> + <p> + It was her turn to sing, and as she rose and took the book, her eyes + filled with tears, her voice trembled, her face was as red as a spanked + lobster, and the way she sung that old hymn was a caution. With a sweet + tremulo she sung, “A Charge to Keep I Have,” and the congregation was + almost melted to tears. + </p> + <p> + As she stopped, while the organist got in a little work, she turned her + head, opened her mouth and blew out her breath with a “whoosh,” to cool + her mouth. The audience saw her wipe a tear away, but did not hear the + sound of her voice as she “whooshed.” She wiped out some of the pepper + with her handkerchief and sang the other verses with a good deal of + fervor, and the choir sat down, all of the members looking at the soprano. + </p> + <p> + She called for water. The noble tenor went and got it for her, and after + she had drank a couple of quarts, she whispered to him: “Young man, I will + get even with you for that peppermint candy if I have to live a thousand + years, and don't you forget it,” and then they all sat down and looked + pious, while the minister preached a most beautiful sermon on “Faith.” We + expect that tenor will be blowed through the roof some Sunday morning, and + the congregation will wonder what he is in such a hurry for. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SENSE IN LITTLE BUGS. + </h2> + <p> + There is a cockroach that makes his home on our desk that has got more + sense than a delinquent subscriber. He—if it is a he one; we are not + clear as to that—comes out and sits on the side, of the paste-dish, + and draws in a long breath. If the paste is fresh he eats it, and wiggles + his polonaise as much as to thank us, and goes away refreshed. If the + paste is sour, and smells bad, he looks at us with a mournful expression, + and goes away looking as though it was a mighty mean trick to play on a + cockroach, and he runs about as though he was offended. When a package of + wedding cake is placed on the desk he is the first one to find it out, and + he sits and waits till we cut the string, when he goes into it and walks + all over the cake till he strikes the bridal cake, when he gets onto it, + stands on his head and seems to say, “Yum, yum,” and is tickled as a girl + with a fresh beau. + </p> + <p> + There is human nature in a cockroach. When a man comes in and sits around + with no business, on our busy day, and asks questions, and stays and keeps + us from working, the cockroach will come out and sit on the inkstand and + look across at the visitor as much as to say: + </p> + <p> + “Why don't you go away about your business and leave the poor man alone, + so he can get out some copy, and not keep us all standing around here + doing nothing?” + </p> + <p> + But when the paper is out, and there is a look of cheerfulness about the + place, and we are anxious to have friends call, the cockroach flies around + over the papers and welcomes each caller as pleasantly as he can, and + seems to enjoy it. + </p> + <p> + One day the paste smelled pretty bad, and we poured about a spoonful of + whisky in it, and stirred it up. The cockroach came out to breakfast, and + we never saw a person that seemed to enjoy the meal any more than the + cockroach did. It seemed as though he couldn't get enough paste. Pretty + soon he put one hand to his head and looked crosseyed. He tried to climb + down off the paste-dish, and fell over himself and turned a flip-flap on + the blotting paper. Then he looked at us in a sort of mysterious way, + winked one eye as much as to say: “You think you are smart, don't you, old + baldy?” + </p> + <p> + Then he put one hand to his forehead as if in meditation, and staggered + off into a drawer, coming out presently with his arm around another + cockroach, and he took him to the paste-pot, and <i>he</i> filled up, too, + and then they locked arms and paraded up and down on the green cloth of + the desk, as though singing, “We won't go home till morning,” and they + kicked over the steel pens, and acted a good deal like politicians after a + caucus. + </p> + <p> + Finally, some remark was made by one of them that didn't suit, and they + pitched in and had the worst fight that ever was, after which one rushed + off as if after a policeman, and the other, staggered into his hole, and + we saw no more of our cockroach till the next morning, when he came out + with one hand on his head and the other on his stomach, and after smelling + of the paste and looking sick, he walked off to a bottle of seltzer water + and crawled up to the cork and looked around with an expression so human + that we uncorked the bottle and let him in, and he drank as though he had + been eating codfish. Since that day he looks at us a little suspicious, + and when the paste smells a little peculiar he goes and gets another + cockroach to eat some of it first, and he watches the effect. + </p> + <p> + Now, you wouldn't believe it, but that cockroach can tell, the minute he + sees a man, whether the man has come in with a bill, or has come in to pay + money. We don't know how he does it, but when a man has a bill the + cockroach begins to look solemn and mournful, and puts his hands to his + eyes as though weeping. If a man comes in to pay money, the cockroach + looks glad, a smile plays around his mouth, and he acts kitteny. He acts + the most human when ladies come into the office. If a book agent comes in, + he makes no attempt to show his disgust. + </p> + <p> + One day an old person came in with a life of Garfield and laid it on the + table, opened to the picture of the candidate, and left it. The cockroach + walked through the violet ink and got his feet all covered, and then he + walked all over that book, and left his mark. The woman saw the tracks, + and thought we had signed our name, and she said she was sorry we had + written our signature there, because she had another book for subscribers' + names. + </p> + <p> + When a handsome lady comes in, the cockroach is in his element, and there + is a good deal of proud flesh about him. He puts his thumbs in the + arm-holes of his vest and walks around. + </p> + <p> + One day we put our face up to a deaf young lady to speak to her, and the + cockroach looked straight the other way, and seemed to be looking over an + old copy of the <i>Christian Statesman</i>; but when he found we only + yelled at the lady, he winked as much as to say: + </p> + <p> + “Well, how did I know?” + </p> + <p> + O, that cockroach is a thoroughbred! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SUMMER RESORTING. + </h2> + <p> + The other day a business man who has one of the nicest houses in the + nicest ward in the city, and who has horses and carriages in plenty, and + who usually looks as clean as though just out of a band box and as happy + as a schoolma'am at a vacation picnic, got on a street car near the depot, + a picture of a total wreck. He had on a long linen duster, the collar + tucked down under the neck band of his shirt, which had no collar on, his + cuffs were sticking out of his coat pocket, his eyes looked heavy, and + where the dirt had come off with the perspiration he looked pale, and he + was cross as a bear. + </p> + <p> + A friend who was on the car, on the way up town, after a day's work, with + a clean shirt on, a white vest and a general look of coolness, accosted + the traveler as follows: + </p> + <p> + “Been summer resorting, I hear?” + </p> + <p> + The dirty-looking man crossed his legs with a painful effort, as though + his drawers stuck to his legs and almost peeled the bark off, and + answered: + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I have been out two weeks. I have struck ten different hotels, and + if you ever hear of my leaving town again during the hot weather, you can + take my head for a soft thing,” and he wiped a cinder out of his eye with + what was once a clean handkerchief. + </p> + <p> + “Had a good, cool time, I suppose, and enjoyed yourself,” said the man who + had not been out of town. + </p> + <p> + “Cool time, hell,” said the man, who has a pew in two churches, as he + kicked his limp satchel of dirty clothes under the car seat. “I had rather + been sentenced to the house of correction for a month.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, what's the trouble?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, there is no trouble, for people who like that kind of fun, but this + lets me out. I do not blame people who live in Southern States for coming + North, because they enjoy things as a luxury that we who live in Wisconsin + have as a regular diet, but for a Chicago or Milwaukee man to go into the + country to swelter and be kept awake nights is bald lunacy. Why, since I + have been out I have slept in a room a size smaller than the closet my + wife keeps her linen in, with one window that brought in air from a + laundry, and I slept on a cot that shut up like a jack-knife and always + caught me in the hinge where it hurt. + </p> + <p> + “At another hotel I had a broken-handled pitcher of water that had been + used to rinse clothes in, and I can show you the indigo on my neck. I had + a piece of soap that smelled like a tannery, and if the towel was not a + recent damp diaper then I have never raised six children. + </p> + <p> + “At one hotel I was the first man at the table, and two families came in + and were waited on before the Senegambian would look at me, and after an + hour and thirty minutes I got a chance to order some roast beef and baked + potatoes, but the perspiring, thick-headed pirate brought me some boiled + mutton and potatoes that looked as though they had been put in a wash-tub + and mashed by treading on them barefooted. I paid twenty-five cents for a + lemonade made of water and vinegar, with a piece of something on top that + might be lemon peel, and it might be pumpkin rind. + </p> + <p> + “The only night's rest I got was one night when I slept in a car seat. At + the hotel the regular guests were kept awake till 12 o'clock by number six + headed boys and girls dancing until midnight to the music of a + professional piano boxer, and then for two hours the young folks sat on + the stair? and yelled and laughed, and after that the girls went to bed + and talked two hours more, while the boys went and got drunk and sang + 'Allegezan and Kalamazoo.' + </p> + <p> + “Why, at one place I was woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning by what I + thought was a chariot race in the hall outside, but it was only a lot of + young bloods rolling ten pins down by the rooms, using empty wine bottles + for pins and China cuspidores for balls. I would have gone out and shot + enough drunken galoots for a mess, only I was afraid a cuspidore would + carom on my jaw. Talk about rest, I would rather go to a boiler factory. + </p> + <p> + “Say, I don't know as you would believe it, but at one place I sent some + shirts and things to be washed, and they sent to my room a lot of female + underclothes, and when I kicked about it to the landlord he said I would + have to wear them, as they had no time to rectify mistakes. He said the + season was short and they had to get in their work, and he charged me + Fifth Avenue Hotel prices with a face that was child-like and bland, when + he knew I had been wiping on diapers for two days in place of towels. + </p> + <p> + “But I must get off here and see if I can find water enough to bathe all + over. I will see you down town after I bury these clothes.” + </p> + <p> + And the sticky, cross man got off swearing at summer hotels and pirates. + We don't see where he could have been traveling. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GOSPEL CAR. + </h2> + <p> + Because there are cars for the luxurious, and smoking cars for those who + delight in tobacco, some of the religious people of Connecticut are + petitioning the railway companies to fit up “Gospel cars.” Instead of the + card tables they want an organ and piano, they want the seats arranged + facing the centre of the car, so they can have a full view of whoever may + conduct the services; instead of spittoons they will have a carpet, and + instead of cards they want Bibles and Gospel song-books.—<i>Chicago + News</i>. + </p> + <p> + There is an idea for you. Let some railroad company fit up a Gospel car + according to the above prescription, and run it, and the porter on that + car would be the most lonesome individual on the train. The Gospel hymn + books would in a year appear as new as do now the Bibles that are put up + in all cars. Of the millions of people who ride in the trains, many of + them pious Christians, who has ever seen a man or woman take a Bible off + the iron rack and read it a single minute? And yet you can often see + ministers and other professing Christians in the smoking car, puffing a + cigar and reading a daily paper. + </p> + <p> + Why, it is all they can do to get a congregation in a church on Sunday; + and does any one suppose that when men and women are traveling for + business or pleasure—and they do not travel for anything else—that + they are going into a “Gospel car” to listen to some sky pirate who has + been picked up for the purpose, talk about the prospects of landing the + cargo in heaven? + </p> + <p> + Not much! + </p> + <p> + The women are too much engaged looking after their baggage, and keeping + the cinders out of their eyes, and keeping the children's heads out of the + window, and keeping their fingers from being jammed, to look out for their + immortal souls. And the men are too much absorbed in the object of their + trip to listen to gospel truths. They are thinking about whether they will + be able to get a room at the hotel, or whether they will have to sleep on + a cot. + </p> + <p> + Nobody can sing gospel songs on a car, with their throats full of cinders, + and their eyes full of dust, and the chances are if anybody should strike + up, “A charge to keep I have,” some pious sinner who was trying to take a + nap in the corner of the gospel car would say: + </p> + <p> + “O, go and hire a hall!” + </p> + <p> + It would be necessary to make an extra charge of half a dollar to those + who occupied the gospel car, the same as is charged on the parlor car, and + you wouldn't get two persons on an average train full that would put up a + nickel. + </p> + <p> + Why, we know a Wisconsin Christian, worth a million dollars, who, when he + comes up from Chicago to the place where he lives, hangs up his overcoat + in the parlor car, and then goes into the forward car and rides till the + whistle blows for his town, when he goes in and gets his coat and never + says thirty-five cents to the conductor, or ten cents to the porter. Do + you think a gospel car would catch him for half a dollar? He would see you + in Hades first. + </p> + <p> + The best way is to take a little eighteen carat religion along into the + smoking car, or any other car you may happen to be in. + </p> + <p> + A man—as we understand religion from those who have had it—does + not have to howl to the accompaniment of an asthmatic organ, pumped by a + female with a cinder in her eye and smut on her nose, in order to enjoy + religion, and he does not have to be in the exclusive company of other + pious people to get the worth of his money. There is a great deal of + religion in sitting in a smoking car, smoking dog-leg tobacco in a + briar-wood pipe, and seeing happy faces in the smoke that curls up—faces + of those you have made happy by kind words, good deeds, or half a dollar + put where it will drive away hunger, instead of paying it out for a + reserved seat in a gospel car. Take the half dollar you would pay for a + seat in a gospel car and go into the smoker, and find some poor emigrant + that is going west to grow up with the country, after having been beaten + out of his money at Castle Garden, and give it to him, and see if the look + of thankfulness and joy does not make you feel better than to listen to a + discussion in the gospel car, as to whether the children of Israel went + through the Red Sea with life-preservers, or wore rubber hunting boots. + </p> + <p> + Take your gospel-car half dollar and buy a vegetable ivory rattle of the + train boy, and give it to the sick emigrant mother's pale baby, and you + make four persons happy—the baby, the mother, the train boy and + yourself. + </p> + <p> + We know a man who gave a dollar to a prisoner on the way to State prison, + to buy tobacco with, who has enjoyed more good square religion over it + than he could get out of all the chin music and saw-filing singing he + could hear in a gospel car in ten years. The prisoner was a bad man from + Oshkosh, who was in a caboose in charge of the sheriff, on the way to + Waupun. The attention of the citizen was called to the prisoner by his + repulsive appearance, and his general don't-care-a-damative appearance. + The citizen asked the prisoner how he was fixed for money to buy tobacco + in prison. He said he hadn't a cent, and he knew it would be the worst + punishment he could have to go without tobacco. The citizen gave him the + dollar and said: + </p> + <p> + “Now, every time you take a chew of tobacco in prison, just make up your + mind to be square when you get out.” + </p> + <p> + The prisoner reached out his hand-cuffed hands to take the dollar, the + hands trembling so that the chains rattled, and a great tear as big as a + shirt-button appeared in one eye—the other eye had been gouged out + while “having some fun with the boys” at Oshkosh—and his lips + trembled as he said: + </p> + <p> + “So help me God, I will!” + </p> + <p> + That man has been boss of a gang of hands in the pinery for two winters, + and has a farm paid for on the Central Railroad, and is “squar.” + </p> + <p> + That is the kind of practical religion a worldly man can occasionally + practice without having a gospel car. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + INCIDENTS AT THE NEWHALL HOUSE FIRE. + </h2> + <p> + There were a great many ludicrous scenes about the Newhall House during + the fire of last Saturday morning. When people were notified that there + was a fire in the house, but that the danger was not great, though it was + thought best to give them all plenty of time to prepare for the worst, + many jumped right out of bed and started down stairs. + </p> + <p> + When we arrived on the scene, our first inquiry was for the safety of the + lady members of the Rice Surprise Party, the young women who had been + cutting up on the stage all the week with so little apparel. We did not + expect to find them in a greater state of barefootedness than they were + when we saw them last, but in some instances they were. + </p> + <p> + We were kindly yet firmly informed by Mr. Rankin that the ladies had been + rescued. It seemed that everybody wanted to save the girls. Mr. Rankin + knew this, and knew that if the young and thoughtless gentlemen were + allowed to rescue the girls it would cause remark. He said he was an old + line democrat, and that his days of kittenhood were over, and that it was + proper that he should superintend the removal of the girls. + </p> + <p> + Mr. McKittrick, the conductor, argued the matter with him. He said he had + been running a train a good many years, and had seen all phases of + humanity, and that he was inured to a life of hardship, and had seen many + sad sights, in the sleeping cars, and he insisted that he be allowed to + superintend the removal of the girls. + </p> + <p> + The discussion became warm, and finally they compromised by agreeing that + McKittrick should rush into the rooms and drag them out of the fire and + smoke and hand them to Mr. Rankin at the foot of the first pair of stairs, + who would dispose of them in safety. They both agreed that the first + outside vandal who laid a hand on them should die. + </p> + <p> + The first trouble they had was with Prof. Haskins. + </p> + <p> + He came out of his room with nothing on but his glasses, an ascension robe + and one boot. He rushed through the hall, and while in front of the room + of the girl who wore the black tights with the crochet work on the limbs + he ventured a joke. He is the telegraph manager and he said, “There is a + line down here,” as a two inch stream struck him about the alleged pistol + pocket. The girl, who was tying her wardrobe up in a napkin, heard him and + said, “There is no <i>lying down</i> here, not much.” Prof. Haskins was + shocked that any female should thus mistake him for a democrat, and + falling over a zinc trunk head first, he went back to his room to send his + son Harry out to help. + </p> + <p> + Mr. McKittrick rushed into a room and grabbed a corset in his arms and + handed it down stairs to Rankin There is no person who can fool Rankin. He + didn't want to be rescued. + </p> + <p> + Just at this point a girl with a waterproof on came along the hall and Mr. + Cole asked her if she didn't want to be rescued. She said she had been + carried down stairs six times already by a big granger, and she would + shoot the next man that attempted to rescue ner. She said there was no + danger, and wanted to know why the big galoots did not go and help put the + fire out. + </p> + <p> + On inquiry it was found that the girl had been carried down stairs six + times and left on the sidewalk. She described the man who carried her out, + and said he was excited, and no sooner would she get up stairs than he + would grab her and carry her down again, until she was almost froze. He + told her the last time that he had saved six girls from a fiery grave. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0041" id="link2H_4_0041"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE WAY WOMEN BOSS A PILLOW. + </h2> + <p> + Among the recent inventions is a pillow holder. It is explained that the + pillow holder is for the purpose of holding a pillow while the case is + being put on. We trust this new invention will not come into general use, + as there is no sight more beautiful to the eyes of man than to see a woman + hold a pillow in her teeth while she gently manipulates the pillow case + over it. + </p> + <p> + We do not say that a woman is beautiful with her mouth full of pillows. No + one can ever accuse us of saying that, but there is something home-like + and old-fashioned about it that can not be replaced by any invention. + </p> + <p> + We know that certain over-fastidious women have long clamored for some new + method of putting on a pillow case, but these people have either lost + their teeth, or the new ones do not grasp the situation. They have tried + several new methods, such as blowing the pillow case up, and trying to get + the pillow in before the wind got out, and they have tried to get the + pillow in by rolling up the pillow case until the bottom is reached, and + then placing 'the pillow on end and gently unrolling the pillow case, but + all these schemes have their drawbacks. + </p> + <p> + The old style of chewing one end of the pillow, and holding it the way a + retriever dog holds a duck, till the pillow case is on, and then spanking + the pillow a couple of times on each side, is the best, and it gives the + woman's jaws about the only rest they get during the day. + </p> + <p> + If any invention drives this old custom away from us, and we no more see + the matrons of our land with their hair full of feathers and their mouths + full of striped bed-ticking, we shall feel that one of the dearest of our + institutions has been ruthlessly torn from us, and the fabric of our + national supremacy has received a sad blow, and that our liberties are in + danger. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DEADLY PAPER BAG + </h2> + <p> + There is a woman on the West Side who has learned a lesson that will last + her a lifetime. She has been for years wearing these paper bags, such as + the green grocers use, for bustles. The paper is stiff, and sticks out + splendid, and makes the dress look well. Last Sunday morning while she was + dressing, her young son got in the room and blew the paper bag full of + wind and tied a string around the mouth of it, and left it in a chair. The + good lady took it and tied it on and dressed herself for church. She + bribed her husband to go to church with her, though he is a sort of Bob + Ingersoll christian. + </p> + <p> + As they went down the aisle the minister was reading a hymn about + “Sounding the Loud Hosan-na,” and the lady went into the pew first, and + sat down while her husband was putting his hat on the floor. There was a + report like distant thunder. You have heard how those confounded paper + bags explode when boys blow them up, and crush them between their hands. + </p> + <p> + Well, it was worse than that, and everybody looked at the innocent + husband, who was standing there a perfect picture of astonishment. He + looked at his wife as much as to say: “Now, this is the last time you will + catch me in church, if you are going to play any of your tricks on me. You + think you can scare me into getting religion?” + </p> + <p> + The minister stopped reading the hymn and looked over his spectacles at + the new comers as though it would not surprise him if that bad man should + blow the church up. The poor lady blushed and looked around as much as to + say, “I did not know it was loaded,” and she looked the hymn book through + for the hymn, and as the choir rose to sing she offered one side of the + book to her husband, but he looked mad and pious, and stood at the other + end of the pew and looked out of the stained glass window. + </p> + <p> + After the service they started home together, and as they turned the first + corner he said to his wife, “Well, you played hell on your watch, didn't + you?” She told him there was no such thing as hell in the Bible now, but + that she would make that boy think there had been no revision of the Bible + that left hell out, when she got home. We only get the story from the + husband. + </p> + <p> + He said he didn't know what it was that made the noise until they got + home, and after a little skirmishing around his wife held up a bursted + paper bag, and asked the boy if he blew that bag up. He said he did, but + he did not know there was anything wrong about it. The boy and his mother + and a press board paid a visit to the back kitchen, and there was a sound + of revelry. Boys will be boys. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE VIRGINIA DUEL. + </h2> + <p> + The proposed duel between Senator Mahone and Jubal Early did not come off, + for reasons that have not been made public. It is well known that Mahone + is the thinnest man in Virginia. We do not allude to his politics, or his + ability, in speaking of his being thin, but to his frame. He does not make + a shadow. He could hide behind a wire fence. Gen. Early, after challenging + Mahone, went to practicing at a piece of white wire clothes line, hung to + the limb of a tree, but he could not hit it, and he felt that all the + advantage would be on Mr. Mahone's side, so he asked Mahone to do the only + thing in his power that would make the thing even, and that was to eat a + quantity of dried apples the day before the duel, in order to swell his + stomach out so that a gentleman could stand some show of hitting him. + </p> + <p> + Gen. Early pledged himself, on the honor of a Virginia gentleman, that he + would not shoot at Mahone's stomach, but would aim at it, and then make a + line shot either above or below. + </p> + <p> + Mahone replied that, while he appreciated the advantage he had over his + opponent, and was willing to do anything reasonable to make the thing + even, he could not consistently eat dried apples, as they would certainly + kill him. He was willing to take his chances on the bullets of his + opponent, because statistics showed that dueling was the most healthy + business a man could engage in; and he pointed to the number of duellists + that were now living at a ripe old age, who had fought hundreds of duels + and never received a scratch or scratched an opponent, but on the other + hand he could produce proof to show that many people had been injured, if + not killed, by an over-indulgence in dried apples. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Mahone said he thought it was late in the day for him to produce any + proof as to his own bravery, but in the face of the fact that he would be + pointed at as one who had not sand, he should have to decline to eat dried + apples in order to make himself a target. + </p> + <p> + Gen. Early said he appreciated the delicacy of his honorable and + high-toned opponent, and respected his feelings, and would not insist on + the dried apple act, but that he would go into training to reduce himself + in flesh to the size of Mahone, and hoped that the affair might be + declared off until he could diet himself. He said he should at once begin + a course of treatment to reduce his flesh, by boarding at a summer resort + hotel that he had heard of, where the desired effect might be produced. + </p> + <p> + So the duel is postponed for the present. Both Mahone and Early are + high-toned gentlemen, and they will do nothing rash. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DIFFERENCE. + </h2> + <p> + One of the great female writers on dress reform, in trying to illustrate + how terrible the female dress is, says: + </p> + <p> + “Take a man and pin three or four table-cloths about him, fastened back + with elastic and looped up with ribbons, draw all his hair to the middle + of his head and tie it tight, and hairpin on five pounds of other hair and + a big bow of ribbon. Keep the front locks on pins all night, and let them + tickle his eyes all day, pinch his waist into a corset, and give him + gloves a size too small and shoes the same, and a hat that will not stay + on without torturing elastic, and a little lace veil to blind his eyes + whenever he goes out to walk, and he will know what a woman's dress is.” + </p> + <p> + Now you think you have done it, don't you, sis? Why, bless you, that + toggery would be heaven compared to what a man has to contend with. Take a + woman and put a pair of men's four-shilling drawers on her that are so + tight that when they get damp, from perspiration, sis; they stick so you + can't cross your legs without an abrasion of the skin, the buckle in the + back turning a somersault and sticking its points into your spinal + menengitis; put on an undershirt that draws across the chest so you feel + as though you must cut a hole in it, or two, and which is so short that it + works up under your arms, and allows the starched upper shirt to sand + paper around and file off the skin until you wish it was night, the tail + of which will not stay tucked more than half a block, though you tuck, and + tuck, and tuck; and then fasten a collar made of sheet zinc, two sizes too + small for you, around your neck; put on vest and coat, and liver pad and + lung pad and stomach pad, and a porous plaster, and a chemise shirt + between the two others, and rub on some liniment, and put a bunch of keys + and a jack-knife and a button-hook and a pocket-book and a pistol and a + plug of tobacco in your pockets, so they will chafe your person, and then + go and drink a few whisky cocktails, and walk around in the sun with tight + boots on, sis, and then you will know what a man's dress is. + </p> + <p> + Come to figure it up, it is about an even thing, sis,—isn't it? + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SPURIOUS TRIPE. + </h2> + <p> + Another thing that is being largely counterfeited is tripe. Parties who + buy tripe cannot be too careful. There is a manufactory that can make + tripe so natural that no person on earth can detect the deception. They + take a large sheet of rubber about a sixteenth of an inch thick for a + background, and by a process only known to themselves veneer it with a + Turkish towel, and put it in brine to soak. The unsuspecting + boarding-house keeper, or restaurant man, buys it and cooks it, and the + boarder or transient guest calls for tripe. A piece is cut off the + damnable tripe with a pair of shears used in a tin shop for cutting sheet + iron, and it is handed to the victim. He tries to cut it, and fails; he + tries to gnaw it off, and if he succeeds in getting a mouthful, that + settles him. He leaves his tripe on his plate, and it is gathered up and + sewed on the original piece, and is kept for another banquet. + </p> + <p> + The tripe is expensive, owing to the royalty that has to be paid to the + rubber company, and often the boarder succeeds in eating off some of the + towel, so it has to be veneered over again; but take it the year round, + and the tripe pays its way in a boarding-house. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0046" id="link2H_4_0046"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A CASE OF PARALYSIS. + </h2> + <p> + About as mean a trick as we ever heard of was perpetrated by a doctor at + Hudson last Sunday. The victim was a justice of the peace named Evans. Mr. + Evans is a man who has the alfiredest biggest feet east of St. Paul, and + when he gets a new pair of shoes it is an event that has its effect on the + leather market. + </p> + <p> + Last winter he advertised for sealed proposals to erect a pair of shoes + for him, and when the bids were opened it was found that a local architect + in leather had secured the contract, and after mortgaging his house to a + Milwaukee tannery, and borrowing some money on his diamonds of his + “uncle,” John Comstock, who keeps a pawnbrokery there, he broke ground for + the shoes. + </p> + <p> + Owing to the snow blockade and the freshets, and the trouble to get hands + who would work on the dome, there were several delays, and Judge Evans was + at one time inclined to cancel the contract, and put some strings in box + cars and wear them in place of shoes, but sympathy for the contractor, who + had his little awl invested in the material and labor, induced him to put + up with the delay. + </p> + <p> + On Saturday the shoes were completed, all except laying the floor and + putting on a couple of bay windows for corns, and conservatories for + bunions, and the judge concluded to wear them on Sunday. He put them on, + but got the right one on the left foot, and the left one on the right + foot. As he walked down town the right foot was continually getting on the + left side, and he stumbled over himself, and he felt pains in his feet. + The judge was frightened in a minute. He is afraid of paralysis, all the + boys know it, and when he told a wicked republican named Spencer how his + feet felt, that degraded man told the judge that it was one of the surest + symptoms of paralysis in the world, and advised him to hunt a doctor. + </p> + <p> + The judge pranced off, interfering at every step, skinning his shins, and + found Dr. Hoyt. The doctor is one of the worst men in the world, and when + he saw how the shoes were put on he told the judge that his case was + hopeless unless something was done immediately. The judge turned pale, the + sweat poured out of him, and taking out his purse he gave the doctor five + dollars and asked him what he should do. The doctor felt his pulse, looked + at his tongue, listened at his heart, shook his head, and then told the + judge that he would be a dead man in less than sixty years if he didn't + change his shoes. + </p> + <p> + The judge looked down at the vast expanse of leather, both sections + pointing inwardly, and said, “Well, dam a fool,” and “changed cars” at the + junction. As he got them on the right feet, and hired a raftsman to tie + them up for him, he said he would get even with the doctor if he had to + catch the smallpox. O, we suppose they have more fun in some of these + country towns than you can shake a stick at. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MALE AND FEMALE MASHING. + </h2> + <p> + There has been a great deal of talk in the papers about arresting + “mashers,” that is, young men who stand on the corners and pulverize + women, and a great many good people got the idea that it was unsafe to + travel the streets. This is not the case. A woman might travel all day and + half the night and not be insulted. Of course, once in a great while, a + woman will be insulted by a man, the same as a man will be by a woman. + </p> + <p> + No woman, unless she throws out one eye, kind of cunning, is in danger of + having a male man throw out his other eye the same way. There has got to + be two parties to a mashing match, and one must be a woman. Too many women + act sort of queer just for fun, and the poor male man gets to acting + improper before he realizes the enormity of the crime, and then it is + everlastingly too late. + </p> + <p> + But a female masher, one who is thoroughly bad, like the male loafers that + have been driven from the corners, is a terror. She will insult a + respectable man and laugh at his blushes. One of them was arrested the + other day for playing her act on a policeman who was disguised as a + respectable granger from Stevens Point. These female mashers are a + tornado. + </p> + <p> + Why, one of them met a respectable church member the other night, and + asked him how his liver complaint was. He was a man who had been troubled + with the liver complaint, and supposing she was some acquaintance, he + stopped on the corner and talked with the pullet for about ten minutes, + explaining to her the course of treatment he had used to cure him, and + dozens of people passing by that knew him, and knew that she was clear + off. + </p> + <p> + Finally she asked him if he wouldn't take her to a restaurant and buy her + a spring chicken and a small bottle. He told her if she would come up to + his house she should have a hen, and there were lots of bottles, both + large and small, that she was welcome to. She told him to go to Hades, and + he went in a drug store and asked a clerk who that lady was he had been + talking with, and when the clerk, who knew her, told him she was a road + agent, a street walker, a female masher, the old man had to sit down on a + box of drugs and fan himself with his hat. + </p> + <p> + We mention this to show that ladies are not the only portion of the + population that is liable to be accosted and insulted. The other night a + respectable merchant was going to the opera with a friend from the + country, when a couple of sirens met them and one said to the other, “Look + at his nibs,” and she locked arms with him and asked him if he was not her + own darling. He said his name was not “Nibs,” and he would have to look at + his memorandum book before he could tell whether he was her darling or + not, but from the smell of gin about her person he would blush to + extemporize. + </p> + <p> + We do not give his exact language, but in the heat of debate he shook her + and told her if she ever clawed on him again he would everlastingly go and + tell her parents. And while he was talking with her the other one had + seated herself beside his country friend on a salt barrel in front of a + grocery and was feeling in his vest pocket to see if he had any cloves. + </p> + <p> + A female masher is much worse than a male masher as you can imagine. Who + ever heard of a male masher feeling in an unprotected female's vest pocket + for cloves? O, the men are simply unprotected, and at the mercy of wicked, + designing women, and the police ought to protect them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE USES OF THE PAPER BAG. + </h2> + <p> + A First Ward man was told by his wife to bring home a quart of oysters on + New Year's night, to fry for supper. He drank a few prescriptions of egg + nog, and then took a paper bag full of selects and started for home. He + stopped at two or three saloons, and the bag began to melt, and when he + left the last saloon the bottom fell out of the bag and the oysters were + on the sidewalk. + </p> + <p> + We will leave the man there, gazing upon the wreck, and take the reader to + the residence where he is expected. + </p> + <p> + A red-faced woman is putting the finishing touches to the supper table, + and wondering why her husband does not come with the oysters. Presently a + noise as of a lead pencil in the key-hole salutes her ear, and she goes to + the door and opens it, and finds him taking the pencil out of the + key-hole. Not seeing any oysters, she asks him if he has forgotten the + oysters. + </p> + <p> + “Forgot noth(hic)ing,” says he. + </p> + <p> + He walks up to the table and asks for a plate, which is given him by the + unsuspicious wife. + </p> + <p> + “Damsaccident you ever(hic)see,” said the truly good man, as he brought + his hand out of his overcoat pocket, with four oysters, a little smoking + tobacco, and a piece of cigar-stub. + </p> + <p> + “Slipperysoystersev (hic)er was,” said he, as he run his hands down in the + other pocket, bringing up five oysters, a piece of envelope, and a piece + of wire that was used as a bail to the pail. + </p> + <p> + “Got all my pock(hic)ets full,” said he, as he took a large oyster out of + his vest pocket. Then he began to go down in his pants pocket, and finding + a hole in it, he said: + </p> + <p> + “Six big oys(hic)ters gone down my trousers leg. S'posi'll find them in my + boot,” and he sat down to pull off his boot, when the lady took the plate + of oysters and other stuff into the kitchen and threw them in the swill, + and then she put him to bed, and all the time he was trying to tell her + how the bag busted just as he was in front of All Saints Ca(hic)thedral. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Three distinct charges of heresy will be made against Rev. Dr. Thomas, of + Chicago, at the trial next month. The amount of heresy that is going on in + this country, and particularly among ministers, is truly alarming. The + names of his partners in guilt are not mentioned, probably out of respect + for their families. A minister that goes around practicing heresy ought to + be watched, and when caught at it he should be bounced. There is no excuse + for <i>heresy</i>, though a minister will occasionally meet a mighty + attractive <i>her</i>, but he should say: “Git thee foreninst me, Susan, + and when I have a convenient season I will send the police after thee.” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + There should be an amendment to the constitution of the United States + making it lawful for an ex-President to walk on grass. We have no great + admiration for Hayes, but when we read that at Cleveland he was ordered + off the grass by a thirteen dollar a month soldier, and had to shin + it-over a fence real spry to save the shoulder of his pants from assault + by a cheap bayonet, it makes us feel ashamed, and we blush for America. + The spectacle of a man who has occupied the White House, and been the + chief attraction of county fairs, being compelled to put his stomach on a + fence, and flop over, heels over appetite, like a boy playing tag, to keep + from being jabbed in a vital part, makes us sick. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE NEW COAL STOVE. + </h2> + <p> + We never had a coal stove around the house until last Saturday. Have + always used pine slabs and pieces of our neighbor's fence. They burn well, + too, but the fence got all burned up, and the neighbor said he wouldn't + build a new one, so we went down to Jones' and got a coal stove. + </p> + <p> + You see, we didn't know anything about coal stoves. We filled the stove + about half full of pine fence, and, when the stuff got well to going, we + filled the artesian well on the top with coal. It simmered and sputtered + about five or ten minutes, and all went out, and we put on an overcoat and + a pair of buckskin mittens and “went out too”—to supper. We + remarked, in the course of the frugal meal, that Jones was a “froad” for + recommending such a confounded refrigerator to a man to get warm by. + </p> + <p> + After supper we took a piece of ice and rubbed our hands warm, and went in + where that stove was, resolved to make her draw and burn if it took all + the pine fence in the First Ward. Our better-half threw a quilt over her, + and shiveringly remarked that she never knew what real solid comfort was + until she got a coal stove. + </p> + <p> + Stung by the sarcasm in her remark, we turned every dingus on the stove + that was movable, or looked like it had anything to do with the draft, and + pretty soon the stove began to heave up heat. It was not long before she + stuttered like the new Silsby steamer. Talk about your heat! In ten + minutes that room was as much worse than a Turkish bath as Hades is hotter + than Liverman's ice-house. The perspiration fairly fried out of a tin + water cooler in the next room. We opened the doors, and snow began to melt + as far up Vine street as Hanscombe's house, and people all round the + neighborhood put on linen clothes. And we couldn't stop the confounded + thing. + </p> + <p> + We forgot what Jones told us about the dampers, and she kept a biling. The + only thing we could do was to go to bed, and leave the thing to burn the + house up if it wanted to. We stood off with a pole and turned the damper + every way, and at every turn she just sent out heat enough to roast an ox. + We went to bed, supposing that the coal would eventually burn out, but + about 12 o'clock the whole family had to get up and sit on the fence. + </p> + <p> + Finally a man came along who had been brought up among coal stoves, and he + put a wet blanket over him and crept up to the stove and turned the proper + dingus, and she cooled off, and since that time has been just as + comfortable as possible. If you buy a coal stove you want to learn how to + engineer it, or you may get roasted. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A COLD, CHEERLESS RIDE. + </h2> + <p> + Probably the most cold-blooded affair that ever occurred took place at a + certain summer resort a couple of weeks ago. There was going to be a + picnic, and a young man and the girl he was engaged to be married to + started in a row-boat to cross the lake, taking an ice cream freezer full + of frozen ice cream for the picnic. Just before arriving at the picnic the + boat capsized. The boat was bottom side up, and the young man helped the + girl on to the ice cream freezer, and he got on the boat, and after + floating for half an hour they were rescued. + </p> + <p> + The girl did not complain at the time she was put on the freezer, as she + was glad enough to get on anything that would float, but after they got + ashore, and she had a chance to reflect on the matter, and talk with the + other girls, she concluded that his getting on the boat, which was nice + and warm, and putting her aboard the ice cream freezer, which was so cold + and cheerless, was a breach of etiquette that would stamp any man as being + a selfish, heartless villain, and she refuses to speak to him, and has + declared the engagement off. + </p> + <p> + He is very much mortified over the affair, and tries to explain that he + was more accustomed to a boat than she was, while he reasoned that she + would naturally be more familiar with an ice cream freezer. It certainly + looks to us to have been a cold-blooded transaction, and while the young + man might have been rattled, and powerless to grasp the situation as he + would if he had it to do over again, the girl is certainly justified in + being indignant. + </p> + <p> + An ice cream freezer is a cold and cheerless companion even when empty, + but filled with congealed cream and pounded ice, and in water, it cannot + but have been an Arctic exploration on a small scale. Besides the ice, it + is a notorious fact that ice cream freezers are made of zinc, the coldest + metal in the world, if we bar women's feet. + </p> + <p> + “Sheridan's Ride” has been spoken of in poetry and in song, but it pales + into insignificance by the side of this girl's ride on the ice cream + freezer. If the young man had exhibited foresight, and had a side saddle + buckled on to the ice cream freezer, the experience would have been robbed + of much of its frigidity, or if there had been a thick blanket under the + saddle, but he failed to take even that precaution. + </p> + <p> + As it is we do not blame the girl for breaking off the engagement. In + addition, we think any court would decide that he should pay for the + ginger tea and cough lozenges that she had to take to cure her cold. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SOME TALK ABOUT MONOPOLIES. + </h2> + <p> + We know it is fashionable for people to talk about the great monopolies, + the railroads, and show how they are sapping the life-blood from the + farmers by arranging facilities for transporting wheat worth forty cents a + bushel in store pay, without railroads, to a market where the farmer + realizes nearly a dollar a bushel in cash. + </p> + <p> + Demagogues ring the changes on these monopolies, tell how the directors + ride in palace cars and drink wine, from the proceeds of the millions of + dollars invested in railroads, though they never mention the fact that the + railroads have made it possible for farmers to give up driving ox teams + and ride after horses that can trot in 2:40. + </p> + <p> + We presume that railroad managers like to get a pretty good dividend on + their investments, but do they get a better dividend than farmers do on + some of their investments? Do you know of any farmer that ever complained + that his produce was selling too high? If you complain at paying eight + dollars for a jag of crow's nest wood during a snow blockade, does he + argue with, you, to show that he is a monopoly, or does he tell you that + if you don't want the wood you needn't have it? + </p> + <p> + Now, talking of railroad men manipulating stock, and taking advantage of a + raise, how is it about eggs? Within the last two months there has been the + worst corner on eggs that the world has ever seen, and the dividends that + farmers have received on their investments have been so enormous that they + must blush for shame, unless they are a soulless corporation. + </p> + <p> + Now, for instance, a farmer paid twenty-five cents for a good average hen + the 1st of December. Before the 1st of February that hen has laid five + dozen eggs, which are worth two dollars and a half. Take out five cents + for feed, two cents for the society that the hen has enjoyed, and there is + a clear profit of two dollars and forty-three cents, and the farmer has + got the hen left. Did any railroad wrecker ever make a greater percentage + than that? Talk about watering stock, is it any worse than feeding a hen, + to make her lay four-shilling eggs? + </p> + <p> + We have it from good authority that some farmers have actually gone so far + as to bribe legislators with eggs, to prevent their passing any law fixing + a rate for the sale of eggs. This is a serious charge, and we do not vouch + for it. It is probable that farmers who are sharp enough to get a corner + on eggs, by which they can be run up to a fictitious value, are sharp + enough not to lay themselves liable for bribery by giving eggs directly to + the members, but there are ways to avoid that. They can send them to the + residences of the members, where they are worth their weight in gold + almost. + </p> + <p> + Rich railroad owners have submitted to this soulless monopoly of the egg + business as long as they can, and we learn that they have organized a + state grange, with grips and passwords, and will institute subordinate + lodges all over the State to try and break up this vile business that is + sapping their life-blood. + </p> + <p> + Already a bill has been prepared for introduction into the legislature to + prohibit any manipulation of the egg market in the future. “Shall the + farmers of the State be allowed to combine with hens and roosters and + create a famine in eggs, an article of food on which so many people rely + to keep soul and body together?” they ask. + </p> + <p> + Our heart has bled, in the last sixty days, as well as our pocket-book, + while studying this question. We have seen men of wealth going about the + streets crying for an egg to cool their parched tongues, and they have + been turned away eggless, and gone to their palatial homes only to suffer + untold agonies, the result of those unholy alliances between farmers and + hens. They have tossed sleeplessly on their downy beds, wondering if there + was no balm in Gilead, no rooster there. They have looked in vain for + compassion on the part of the farmers, who haye only laughed at their + sufferings, and put up the price of eggs. + </p> + <p> + The time has arrived for action on the part of the wealthy consumers of + eggs, and we are glad the State grange has been formed. Let a few + determined men get together in every community, and swear by the + bald-headed profit that they will put down this hen monopoly or die, and + after they have sworn, let them send to us for a charter for a lodge—enclosing + two dollars in advance—and we will forward to them the ritual of the + order. + </p> + <p> + If this thing is allowed to go on for five years these farmers will be + beyond the power of the government to control. This is a grave question, + and if the wealthy people do not get relief we might as well bid farewell + to our American institutions, as the liberty for which our forefathers + fought will not be worth paying taxes for. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + There is no person in the world who is easier to overlook the + inconsistencies that show themselves on the stage at theatres than we are, + but once in a while there is something so glaring that it pains us. We + have seen actors fight a duel in a piece of woods far away from any town, + on the stage, and when one of them fell, pierced to the heart with a + sword, we have noticed that he fell on a Brussels carpet. That is all + wrong, but we have stood it manfully. + </p> + <p> + We have seen a woman, on the stage who was so beautiful that we could be + easily mashed if we had any heart left to spare. Her eyes were of that + heavenly color that has been written about heretofore, and her smile as + sweet as ever was seen, but behind the scenes, through the wings, we have + seen her trying to dig the cork out of a beer bottle with a pair of + shears, and ask a supe, in harsh tones, where the cork-screw was, while + she spread mustard on a piece of cheese, and finally drank the beer from + the bottle, and spit the pieces of cork out on the floor, sitting astride + of a stage chair, and her boot heels up on the top round, her trail rolled + up into a ball, wrong side out, showing dirt from forty different stage + floors. + </p> + <p> + These things hurt. But the worst thing that has ever occurred to knock the + romance out of us, was to see a girl in the second act, after “twelve + years is supposed to elapse,” with the same pair of red stockings on that + she wore in the first act, twelve years before. Now, what kind of a way is + that? It does not stand to reason that a girl would wear the same pair of + stockings twelve years. Even if she had them washed once in six months, + they would be worn out. People notice these things. + </p> + <p> + What the actresses of this country need is to change their stockings. To + wear them twelve years, even in their minds, shows an inattention to the + details and probabilities of a play, that must do the actresses an injury, + if not give them corns. Let theatre-goers insist that the stockings be + changed oftener, in these plays that sometimes cover half a century, and + the stockings will not become moth-eaten. Girls, look to the little + details. Look to the stockings, as your audiences do, and you will see how + it is yourselves. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A BALD-HEADED MAN MOST CRAZY. + </h2> + <p> + Last Wednesday the bell to our telephone rung violently at 8 o'clock in + the morning, and when we put our ear to the earaphone, and our mouth to + the mouthaphone, and asked what was the matter, a still small voice, + evidently that of a lady, said, “Julia has got worms, doctor.” + </p> + <p> + We were somewhat taken back, but supposing Julia was going fishing, we + were just going to tell her not to forget to spit on her bait, when a male + voice said, “O, go to the devil, will you?” We couldn't tell whose voice + it was, but it sounded like the clerk at the Plankinton House, and we sat + down. + </p> + <p> + There is no man who will go further to accommodate a friend than we will, + but by the great ethereal there are some things we will not do to please + anybody. As we sat and meditated, the bell rung once more, and then we + knew the wires had got tangled, and that we were going to have trouble all + day. It was a busy day, too, and to have a bell ringing beside one's ear + all day is no fun. + </p> + <p> + The telephone is a blessed thing when it is healthy, but when its liver is + out of order it is the worst nuisance on record. When it is out of order + that way you can hear lots of conversation that you are not entitled to. + For instance, we answered the bell after it had rung several times, and a + sweet little female voice said, “Are you going to receive to-morrow?” We + answered that we were going to receive all the time. Then she asked what + made us so hoarse? We told her that we had sat in a draft from the bank, + and it made the cold chills run over us to pay it. That seemed to be + satisfactory, and then she began to tell us what she was going to wear, + and asked if we thought it was going to be too cold to wear a low neck + dress and elbow sleeves. We told her that was what we were going to wear, + and then she began to complain that her new dress was too tight in various + places that she mentioned, and when the boys picked us up off the floor + and bathed our temples, and we told them to take her away, they thought we + were crazy. + </p> + <p> + If we have done wrong in talking with a total stranger, who took us for a + lady friend, we are willing to die. We couldn't help it. For an hour we + would not answer the constant ringing of the bell, but finally the bell + fluttered as though a tiny bird had lit upon the wire and was shaking its + plumage. It was not a ring, but it was a tune, as though an angel, about + eighteen years old, a blonde angel, was handling the other end of the + transmitter, and we felt as though it was wrong for us to sit and keep her + in suspense, when she was evidently dying to pour into our auricular + appendage remarks that we ought to hear. + </p> + <p> + And still the bell did flut. We went to the cornucopia, put our ear to the + toddy stick and said, “What ailest thou darling, why dost thy hand + tremble? Whisper all thou feelest to thine old baldy.” Then there came + over the wire and into our mansard by a side window the following touching + remarks: “Matter enough. I have been ringing here till I have blistered my + hands. We have got to have ten car loads of hogs by day after to-morrow or + shut down.” Then there was a stuttering, and then another voice said, “Go + over to Loomis' pawn shop. A man shot in”—and another voice broke + in, singing, “The sweet by and by, we shall meet on that beautiful”—and + another voice said—“girl I ever saw. She was riding with a duffer, + and wiped her nose as I drove by in the street car, and I think she is + struck after me.” + </p> + <p> + It was evident that the telephone was drunk, and we went out in the hall + and wrote on a barrel all the afternoon, and gave it full possession of + the office. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Mr. Peck was recently extended an invitation to be present at a meeting of + the Iowa Commercial Travelers' Association, at Des Moines, and respond to + the toast: “Our Wives and Sweethearts, and Little Ones at Home.” He + couldn't be present, but he responded all the same, in the following + manner: + </p> + <p> + “That is the sweetest toast that man was ever called upon to respond to. + Very few traveling men who have good wives, loving sweethearts, and dear + little children at home, sending loving messages to them, often ever stray + very far from the straight and narrow path. There is no class of men on + earth that has greater temptations and better opportunities to be 'cusses + on wheels' than the traveling men of the Northwest; and when I say that + they stand up under it a confounded sight better than the same number of + ministers or editors would, I don't want you to think I am giving you any + confectionery from my sample case. + </p> + <p> + “Through snows of winter, mud of spring and fall, and heat of summer, the + traveling man makes his connections and sends in his orders, and seems to + enjoy religion with the best of them. But the happiest days for him and + the shortest are those he spends at home with his wife, the children or + sweet-heart. There can be more tears brought to the eyes of the traveling + man by a little child putting its arms around his neck and saying, 'My + dear, precious papa,' than could be brought out by any other press I know + of, however powerful. + </p> + <p> + “I know there is occasionally a traveling man who always has his sign out + ready to be mashed, but he never neglects his business for any + foolish-ness. He would leave the finest country flirt that ever winked a + wink to sell a bill of brown sugar on sixty days' time. + </p> + <p> + “It is said that the average traveling man will keep a whole seat in a + car, and never offer to give half of it to a man, when, if a handsome + woman comes in, he will fly around and divide with her. Well, who the + deuce wouldn't? That shows that his heart is in the right place. A man can + go into the smoking car and sit on the wood box, but a woman has got to + sit down, at least that is the way I should explain it. + </p> + <p> + “Boys, may the trips become shorter each year, and the visits to the dear + ones at home be extended, so that in time you may be detailed to stay at + home always, with an increase of salary or an interest in the business; + and, I am sure, when the time comes you will be the happiest fellows that + ever had thousand mile tickets punched, and when your time comes to attend + the grand banquet above, and you appear before St. Peter at the gate, and + begin to open up your samples, he will simply look at your business card + and turn to the clerk and say, 'Give these boys all front rooms, and see + that there is a fire escape and plenty of towels, and that the rooms are + aired, and then step down to the box office and reserve them some seats + for the sacred concert this evening. Pass right in now and get a check for + your overshoes.'” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0053" id="link2H_4_0053"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACCIDENTS AND INCIDENTS AT THEATRES. + </h2> + <p> + Sometimes our heart bleeds for actors and actresses, when we think what + they have to go through with. The other night at Watertown, N. Y., Miss + Ada Gray was playing “Camille,” and in the dying scene, where she breathes + her last, to slow music, an accident occurred which broke her all up. She + was surrounded by sorrowing friends, who were trying to do everything to + make it pleasant for her, when the bed on which she was dying,—an + impromptu sort of a bed got up by the stage carpenter,—tipped partly + over, and the dying woman rolled over on the stage, tipped over a + wash-stand filled with tumblers and bottles of medicine, and raised a + deuce of a row. It would have been all right, and she could have propped + the bed up and proceeded with her dying, had not the actress got rattled. + </p> + <p> + Most actresses get lost entirely when anything occurs that is not in the + play, and Miss Gray was the scaredest female that ever lived. She thought + it was a judgment on her for playing a dying character, and thought the + whole theatre had been struck by lightning, and was going to fall down. To + save herself was her first thought, so she grabbed her night-dress,—which + was embroidered up and down the front, and had point lace on the yoke of + the sleeves,—in both hands and started for the orchestra, the + wildest corpse that ever lived. + </p> + <p> + The leader of the orchestra caught her, but not being an undertaker he did + not undertake to hold her, and she fell over the bass viol and run one + foot through the snare drum, and grasping the fiddle for a life-preserver + she jumped into the raging scenery-back of the stage which represented a + sea. + </p> + <p> + They had to pull her out with boat-hooks, and it was half an hour before + she could be induced to go to bed again and proceed with her dying. + </p> + <p> + Actresses are often annoyed at the remarks made by foolish fellows in the + audience. A remark by a person in the audience always causes people to + laugh, whether the speaker says anything smart or not. + </p> + <p> + Recently, in the play of “Cinderella at School,” a girl came out with a + sheet over her, as a ghost, to frighten a young fellow who was “mashed” on + her. He looked at the ghost for a moment, and kept on lighting his + cigarette, when a galloot up in the gallery said, so everybody could hear + it, “He don't scare worth a damn!” and the audience went fairly wild, + while the pretty girl stood there and blushed as though her heart would + break. + </p> + <p> + Such things are wrong. + </p> + <p> + Probably one of the meanest tricks that was ever, played was played on + Mary Anderson. It will be remembered that in the play of “Ingomar,” + Parthenia and the barbarian have several love scenes, where they lop on + each other and hug some—that is, not too much hugging, but just + hugging enough. Ingomar wears a huge fur garment, made of lion's skin, or + something. One day he noticed that the moths were getting into it, and he + told his servant to see about the moths, and drive them out. The servant + got some insect powder and blowed the hair of the garment full of it, and + scrubbed the inside of it with benzine. + </p> + <p> + Ingomar put it on just before he went on the stage, and thought it didn't + smell just right, but he had no time to inquire into it. He had not got + fairly in his position, before Parthenia came out on a hop, skip and jump, + and threw herself all over him. She got one lung full of insect powder, + and the other full of benzine, and as she said, “Wilt always love me, + Ingomar?” she dropped her head over his shoulder, and said in an aside, + “For the love of heaven, what have you been drinking?” and then sneezed a + couple times. + </p> + <p> + Ingomar held her up the best he could, considering that his nose was full + of insect powder, and he answered: + </p> + <p> + “I wilt “: and then he said to her quietly: + </p> + <p> + “Damfino what it is that smells so!” + </p> + <p> + They went on with the play between sneezes, and when the curtain went down + she told Ingomar to go out and shake himself, which he did. + </p> + <p> + It was noticed in the next act that Ingomar had a linen duster on, and + Mary snoze no more. + </p> + <p> + There was another mean trick played on a comedian a short time ago. In one + of the plays he comes into a room as a tramp, and asks for something to + drink. There is nothing to drink, and he asks if he may drink the kerosene + in the lamp, which is on the table unlighted. The lamp has been filled + with beer, and when he is told that he can slake his thirst at the lamp, + he unscrews the top, takes out the wick, and drinks the contents. + Everybody laughs, and the idea is a good one. + </p> + <p> + At Chicago, recently, some friend took out the beer and filled the lamp + with a liquid of the same color, but the most sickish tasting stuff that + ever was. The comedian drank about three swallows of the neatsfoot oil + before he got onto the joke, and then he flew around like a dog that had + been poisoned, and went off the stage saying something like “Noo Yoick.” + </p> + <p> + He has agreed to kill the fellow that loaded that lamp for him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ALL ABOUT A SANDWICH. + </h2> + <p> + The time for getting to the Michigan Central depot at Chicago was so + limited that no regularly prepared supper could be secured, and so it was + necessary to take a sandwich at the central depot. There has been great + improvement made in the sandwiches furnished in Chicago, in the last ten + years. In 1870 it was customary to encase the sandwiches in pressed sole + leather. The leather was prepared by a process only known to a Prussian, + and the bread and ham were put in by hydraulic pressure, and the hole + soldered up. + </p> + <p> + About four years ago, the Prussian who had the secret said something + unkind to a pitcher of a baseball club, and the pitcher took up one of the + sandwiches and pitched it curved at the Prussian's eye. His funeral was + quite largely attended, considering that he was a man who was retiring, + and who made few acquaintances; but the secret of making the soles and + uppers of railroad sandwiches died with him. + </p> + <p> + It was about this time that corrugated iron shutters were invented, and + that material was at once utilized to make lids for sandwiches, while the + under jaw of the appetite-destroying substance was made of common building + paper, the whole-varnished with neats foot oil, and kiln dried in a lime + kiln. + </p> + <p> + Our object in eating one of the sandwiches, was to transfer, if possible, + the headache to the stomach, on the principle that the quack doctor cured + a patient of paralysis by throwing him into fits, claiming that he was not + much on paralysis, but he was hell on fits. The entrance of the piece of + sandwich into the stomach—that is, the small pieces that we were + able to blast off with the imperfect appliances at hand in the tool box of + a wrecking car—was signaled by the worst rebellion that has been + witnessed in this country since 1860. The stomach, liver, lungs, spleen + and other patent insides got up an indignation meeting, with the stomach + in the chair. In calling the meeting to order the stomach said + unaccustumed as it was to public speaking, it felt as though the occasion + demanded a protest, and that in no uncertain tone, against the habit the + boss had of slinging anything into the stomach that came in his way, + without stopping to consider the effect on the internals. + </p> + <p> + The chair remarked that it had heretofore had a good many hard doses to + take, notably, army bacon, and later some black bread that the boss had + shoved in while hunting out in Minnesota in 1876, and again last year when + a pan full of beans from Bill Wall's Wolf river boom boarding house was + sent down without any introduction, the stomach said it had felt like + throwing up the “sponge,” and drawing out of the game, but it had thought + better of it, and had gone on trying to digest things till now. But this + last outrage, this Chicago sandwich, was too much. + </p> + <p> + “See here,” says the stomach, holding up a piece of the iron lid of the + sandwich so the liver could see it, “what kind of a junk shop does he take + this place for?” + </p> + <p> + The liver got the floor and suggested that the stomach was making a + terrible fuss about a little thing, and told the stomach it had evidently + forgotten the good things that had been sent down from above in times gone + by. + </p> + <p> + “You seem to forget,” says the liver, becoming warmed up, “the banquets + the boss never fails to attend, the nice dinners he sometimes gets at + home, and the wild canvas-back duck he sends down when he goes to Lake + Koshkonong, as well as the Palmer House dinners that occasionally surprise + us. I move that the stomach be reprimanded for kicking and trying to get + up a muss, and that this meeting adjourn and we all go about our + business.” + </p> + <p> + The stomach tried to get in a word edgewise, but it was of no use, and the + thing was about to break up in a row, when we went to sleep in one of the + elegant Michigan Central sleepers, and in the morning the stomach was + coaxing for something more, and didn't seem to care what it was. + </p> + <p> + No young man should ever take two girls to a picnic. We don't care how + attractive the girls are, or how enterprising a boy is, or how expansive + or far-reaching a mind he has, he cannot do justice to the subject if he + has two girls. There will be a clashing of interests that no young boy in + his goslinghood, as most boys are when they take two girls to a picnic, + has the diplomacy to prevent. + </p> + <p> + If we start the youth of the land out right in the first place, they will + be all right, but if they start out by taking two girls to a picnic their + whole lives are liable to become acidulated, and they will grow up hating + themselves. + </p> + <p> + If a young man is good natured and tries to do the fair thing, and a + picnic is got up, there is always some old back number of a girl who has + no fellow who wants to go, and the boys, after they all get girls and + buggies engaged, will canvass among themselves to see who will take this + extra girl, and it always falls to this good natured young man. He says of + course there is room for three in the buggy. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes he thinks maybe this old girl can be utilized to drive the + horse, and then he can converse with his own sweet girl with both hands, + but in such a moment as ye think not he finds that the extra girl is + afraid of horses, dare not drive, and really requires some holding to keep + her nerves quiet. He tries to drive with one hand and console his good + girl, who is a little cross at the turn affairs have taken, with the + other, but it is a failure, and finally his good girl says she will drive, + and then he has to put an arm around them both, which gives more or less + dissatisfaction the best way you can fix it. + </p> + <p> + If we had a boy who didn't seem to have any more sense than to make a hat + rack of himself to hang girls on in a buggy, we should labor with him and + tell him of the agonies we had experienced in youth when the boys palmed + off two girls on us to take to a country picnic, and we believe we can do + no greater favor to the young men just entering the picnic of life than to + impress upon them the importance of doing one thing at a time, and doing + it well. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + A young couple from Green county stopped at a Janesville hotel on their + wedding tour, and when they went to bed they were in a hurry and blew out + the gas instead of turning it off. In the night a terrible smell was heard + around the house, and suspicion naturally pointed to the bridal chamber. + The door was pounded on but there was no response, and the people feared + the young folks had gone to heaven, so the door was broken down. They had + not gone to heaven, but they were both senseless, and were dragged out + into the open air, with little ceremony and less clothes. They were + brought out of the stupor, when they looked at each other in a reproachful + manner, and as they pulled on their clothes they each acted as though if + they had known the horrors of married life they would have remained single + all their lives. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + GOODWILL AND COMPASSION. + </h2> + <p> + The Duchess of Marlborough, who has charge of the fund that is being + distributed to certain portions of Ireland's suffering poor, has issued a + circular pitching into Parnell and others for claiming that she is acting + in the interest of the English landlords. She closes her circular as + follows: + </p> + <p> + There is nothing that strikes me with more admiration than the generosity + of the British nation. I have innumerable letters, all expressing good + will and compassion for the calamities which a series of bad seasons have + brought to the west of Ireland. + </p> + <p> + To the family that is suffering for the necessaries of life, that would + look upon a large sized potato as a bonanza, there is nothing that is + pleasanter than to read a letter from an Englishman expressing compassion. + How it tones up the stomach to read of the good will that, by a large + majority, occupies the heart of the Briton who writes the letter to the + Duchess of Marlborough. + </p> + <p> + You take two plates, and put on one of them the letters expressing good + will and compassion, and on the other plate you put some of the food sent + by Americans, and offer the two plates to an Irish mother whose famishing + children are tugging at her scanty skirts, and let her take her choice. + How her trembling hand would clutch the plate containing the letters of + compassion. Eh? She wouldn't take that plate, do you say? She would take + the plate with the good, honest, star-spangled food on it, eh? O, you are + mistaken. There is so much sustenance and warmth in a letter of + compassion, that the famine stricken person would no doubt take it and + make soup of it. + </p> + <p> + But if you think she wouldn't we won't argue the case. However, you will + admit that the Irish are very queer, and if they went back on their + English benefactors and took the rebellious American food, they would be + guilty of treason, of course you will. We are not astonished that there is + nothing that Strikes the Duchess with more admiration than the generosity + of the British nation. It is the most remarkable thing we ever heard of. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0056" id="link2H_4_0056"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE FEMALE BURGLAR. + </h2> + <p> + Every day we see that some new avenue has been opened to women, by which + they can earn a livelihood. We see by the papers that a woman in Cleveland + has been arrested as a burglar. We have no objections to female + pickpockets, for if a man must have his pockets picked, it will be much + more enjoyable to feel the delicate hand of a beautiful woman fluttering + around his pockets than a rough male hand. + </p> + <p> + Many a man who would object to having his pockets picked by a man, would + be willing to lose ten or fifteen dollars just to have a female pickpocket + go through him. + </p> + <p> + There is a field open for women as confidence men. To have a female + confidence game played on a man would leave less of a sting than to be + bilked by a male. But, as burglars, the idea seems revolting. To think of + women going about nights with a jimmy and a dark lantern, and opening + doors, or windows, and sneaking about rooms, is degrading. If a male + burglar gets in your house, and he is discovered, you can shoot him, if + you get the drop on him, or kick him down stairs; but who wants to shoot a + female burglar, or kick her over the banisters? It would be unnatural. You + would almost rather let her go ahead and burgle, and let her go away with + your money, than to shoot her. + </p> + <p> + Besides, you could not hit her with a bullet from an ordinary pistol in a + vital part. The heart and other vital organs are covered with bullet-proof + corsets, liver and lung pads and porous plasters. You take a corset and + tie it around a sack of flour, and try to fire a bullet through it, and + you will find that the bullet will fall to the ground. Try to fire a ball + through a bed quilt, and you will discover that the ball becomes wound and + twisted in the cotton batting, from the rifling of the barrel of the + pistol, and stops as it goes through. + </p> + <p> + A liver pad is as good as boiler iron to protect the form, so you see + there is no place to shoot a female burglar, except in the head and legs. + No gentleman would want to shoot a beautiful woman in the face, and with a + long dress on he might as well shut his eyes and shoot at a hop-yard, and + expect to hit a pole, as to expect to hit a woman's leg. + </p> + <p> + So it is seen plainly that a female burglar would be perfectly safe from a + pistol shot. + </p> + <p> + Then, again, the natural gallantry of a man would prevent his making much + of a fuss if he found a female burglar in his house. If the average man—and + most men are average men—should wake up in the night and see a woman + burglar feeling in his pants, rifling the pockets, or rummaging in the + drawers of the bureau, he would lay still and let her burgle, as long as + she would keep still and not wake up his wife. Were it a male burglar, he + would jump up, regardless of his nocturnal costume, and tell him to get + out of there, but he would hesitate to get up before a female burglar. He + would not feel like accosting the female burglar without an introduction. + If he spoke to her familiarly, she would be justified in being indignant, + and saying, “Sir, I do not remember that we have ever met before,” and + very likely she would turn her back on him, and say she was insulted. + </p> + <p> + It places a man of gallantry in a very embarrassing situation to have a + female burglar rob his house because he would be no gentleman if he did + not offer to see her safe home. No true gentleman would like to see a + female burglar go home alone at three or four o'clock in the morning, and + while he might feel the loss of his property, it would be courtesy for him + to offer to see her home, and help carry the swag. + </p> + <p> + If women become burglars, there is going to be more or less annoyance. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0057" id="link2H_4_0057"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GIRL THAT WAS HUGGED TO DEATH. + </h2> + <p> + We are sorry to see so many of the humorous papers find any fun in the + incident of the girl at Keokuk who was hugged to death by her lover. He + had proposed to her, in her father's parlor, and she had accepted him, and + in a moment of ecstacy he hugged her to his breast, and she died at once. + The young man was horror stricken, and called her parents. It is supposed + that she died of heart disease. The case was very sad, indeed, and papers + should not make fun of an occurrence that brings so much sadness. + </p> + <p> + However, while this case is fresh in the minds of old and young, we will + embrace the opportunity, and embrace it gently, for fear we will kill it, + to again impress upon young people what we have so often advised, and that + is to be unusually careful about how they hug girls. Many a young man hugs + a girl almost to death, and he never knows how near he comes to being a + murderer. + </p> + <p> + Girls now-a-days are not what they used to be when you and I were young, + Maggie. They cannot stand as much grief now as girls did twenty years ago. + Somehow, they don't seem to be put up for hugging. If a man puts his arm + around a seven-teen-year-old girl of the present day, and sort of closes + in on the belt, he expects to hear something break. Many a humane man lets + go before he has got a girl half hugged because the girl looks so frail + that he is afraid he will break her in two. + </p> + <p> + Of course there are exceptions to the frail girls, but the majority are + too much like a bundle of asparagus. Some of the girls of the present day + are robust, and seem to be offended if a person lets up on the hugging on + their account, and it is said they hug back with a vigor which reminds a + man of the days of long ago, but they are few and far between. + </p> + <p> + Too much care cannot be exercised in putting arms around the young girls + of to-day, and we would wish to impress this fact upon the minds of the + young men who are just coming upon the stage of action. Of course, men + along in years do not need advice. The boys are apt to put more force into + the right arm than they are aware of, a hundred per cent, more than they + would be apt to do in sawing wood, or in carrying up a scuttle of coal. + </p> + <p> + They should bear in mind that girls are too valuable to be used in + developing the muscles, as you would a gymnasium. You don't have to + squeeze a girl till her liver is forced from its normal position, and she + chokes and catches her breath, to show her that you love her. A gentle + squeeze of the hand, the stealing of the arm around her waist when she is + not looking, and the least pressure upon her belt is all that the law + requires. + </p> + <p> + She can tell by your face whether you love her, as you sit there in the + twilight looking into the guiding star eyes, as well as though you grabbed + her as you would a sack of wheat, and hung on like a dog to a root. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Anna Dickinson is going upon the stage again and is to play male + characters, such as “Hamlet,” “Macbeth,” and “Claude Melnotte.” We have + insisted for years that Anna Dickinson was a man, and we dare anybody to + prove to the contrary. + </p> + <p> + There is one way to settle this matter, and that is when she plays Hamlet. + Let the stage manager put a large spider in the skull of Yorick, and when + Hamlet takes up the skull and says, “Alas, poor Yorick, I was pretty solid + with him,” let the spider crawl out of one of the eye holes onto Hamlet's + hand, and proceed to walk up Miss Dickinson's sleeve. If Hamlet simply + shakes the spider off, and goes on with the funeral, unconcerned, then + Miss Dickinson is a man. But if Hamlet screams bloody murder, throws the + skull at the grave digger, falls over into the grave, tears his shirt, + jumps out of the grave and shakes his imaginary skirts, gathers them all + up in his hands and begins to climb up the scenes like a Samantha cat + chased by a dog, and gets on top of the first fly and raises Hamlet's back + and spits, then Miss Dickinson is a woman. The country will watch eagerly + for the result of the test, which we trust will be made at the Boston + Theatre next week. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0058" id="link2H_4_0058"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + OUR CHRISTIAN NEIGHBORS HAVE GONE. + </h2> + <p> + It pains us to announce that the Young Men's Christian Association, which + has had rooms on two sides of our office for more than a year, has moved + away. We do not know why they moved, as we have tried to do everything + that it was possible to do for their comfort, and to cheer them in their + lonely life. That their proximity to the <i>Sun</i> office has been + beneficial to them we are assured, and the closeness has not done us any + hurt as we know of. Many times when something has happened that, had it + happened in La Crosse, might have caused us to be semi-profane, instead of + giving way to the fiery spirit within us, and whooping it up, we have + thought of our neighbors who were truly good, and have turned the matter + over to our business manager, who would do the subject justice or burst a + flue. + </p> + <p> + When the young Christians have given a sociable, we have always put on a + resigned and pious expression and gone amongst them about the time the + good bald-headed brother brought up the pail full of coffee, and the + cheerful sister cut the cake. + </p> + <p> + No one has been more punctual at these free feeds than we have, though we + have often noticed that we never got a fair divide of the cake that was + left, when they were dividing it up to carry home for the poor. We have + been as little annoyed by our neighbors as we could have been by anybody + that might have occupied the rooms. + </p> + <p> + It is true that at times the singing of a church tune in there when we + were writing a worldly editorial has caused us to get tangled, but the + piety that we have smuggled into our readers through the church music will + more than atone for the wrath we have felt at the discordant music, and we + have hopes the good brothers will not be averse to saying a good word for + us when they feel like it. + </p> + <p> + When we lent the young Christians our sanctum as a reception room for the + ladies when they gave the winter picnic to the dry goods clerks, we <i>did</i> + feel a little hurt at finding so many different kinds of hair pins on the + carpet the next morning, and the different colors of long hair on our + plush chairs and raw silk ottoman would have been a dead give away on any + other occasion, but for this, even, we have forgiven the young Christians, + though if we ever do so again they have got to agree to comb the lounge + and the chairs before we shall ever occupy the rooms again. + </p> + <p> + There is nothing that is so hard to explain as a long hair of another + color, or hair pins and blue bows, and pieces of switch. They are gone, + and we miss them. No more shall we hear the young Christian slip up on the + golden stairs and roll down with his boot heel pointing heavenward, while + the wail of a soul in anguish comes over the banisters, and the brother + puts his hand on his pistol pocket and goes out the front door muttering a + silent prayer, with blood in his eyes. + </p> + <p> + No more will the young Christian faint by the wayside as he brings back + our borrowed chairs and finds a bottle and six glasses on our center + table, when he has been importuning us to deliver a temperance speech in + his lecture room. Never again shall we witness the look of agony on the + face of the good brother when we refuse to give five dollars towards + helping discharged criminals to get a soft thing, while poor people who + never committed a crime and have never been supported by the State are + amongst us feeling the pangs of hunger. No more shall we be compelled to + watch the hard looking citizens who frequent the reading room of the + association for fear they will enter our office in the still watches of + the night and sleep on the carpet with their boots on. + </p> + <p> + They are all gone. They have gone across the beautiful river, and have + camped near the <i>Christian Statesman</i> office, where all is pure and + good except the houses over on Second street, beyond the livery stable, + where they never will be molested if they do not go there. + </p> + <p> + Will they be treated any better in their new home than they have been with + us? Will they have that confidence in their new neighbors that they have + always seemed to have in us? Well, we hope they may be always happy, and + continue to do good, and when they come to die and go to St. Peter's gate, + if there is any back talk, and they have any trouble about getting in, the + good old doorkeeper is hereby assured that we will vouch for the true + goodness and self-sacrificing devotion of the Milwaukee Young Men's + Christian association, and he is asked to pass them in and charge it up to + the <i>Sun</i>. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE SUDDEN FIRE-WORKS AT RACINE. + </h2> + <p> + One of those Fourth of July accidents that are always looked for but + seldom occur, happened at Racine, Monday night, which struck terror to the + hearts and other portions of the bodies of many eminent citizens, and that + none were killed we can all thank Providence, who tempers the fire-works + to the sweaty citizen in his shirt sleeves. The enterprising citizens had + contributed a large sum of money, which had been judiciously expended in + all kinds of fire-works, and one side of the public square was given up to + the display. + </p> + <p> + Thousands of citizens had gathered there, from city and country, and + bright Roman candles shone o'er fair men and brave women, and sixteen + thousand nine hundred and twelve hearts beat happy, while music arose with + its voluptuous swell, and soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again, + or words to that effect. At least that was what a young fellow from Racine + told us, who was there to see a specialist to have a splinter from a + rocket stick removed from his ear. + </p> + <p> + A few pieces had been shot off, a few bunches of crackers had had their + tails tied together and been hung over a wire clothes line, like cats, to + fight it out, and the crowd was holding its breath for the next boom, when + there was an explosion; the earth seemed to tremble, and the air was full + of all kinds of fire-works. The whole supply of fire-works had become + ignited, and were blowing off where they listeth, without regard to + anybody's feelings. + </p> + <p> + The crowd became panic stricken, and there never was another such a scene, + and never will be until the last great day, when a few thousand people + suddenly find that they have got into hell, by mistake, when they thought + they were ticketed through to the other place. It was perfectly awful. + Prominent citizens who usually display great pluck, became fearfully + rattled. + </p> + <p> + A man named Martindale, a railroad man who weighs over two hundred pounds, + was standing near a telegraph pole, and as the firing commenced he climbed + up the pole as easy as a squirrel would climb a tree, and when it was over + they had to get a fire ladder to get him down, as his pants had got caught + over the glass telegraph knob, and he had forgotten the combination, and + besides he said he didn't want to take off his clothes up there and come + down, even if it <i>was</i> dark, because it would be just his luck to + have some one fire off a Roman candle when he got down. + </p> + <p> + The Hon. Norton J. Field was another man who lost his nerve. He was + explaining to some ladies one of the pieces that was to be fired off, + which was an allegorical picture representing the revolution, when the + whole business blew up. He thought at the time, that the explosion was in + the programme, and was just reassuring the ladies, by telling them it + reminded him of battle scenes he had witnessed when he was on the military + committee in the assembly, when he noticed a girl near him whose polonaise + had caught fire, and he rushed up to her, caught her by the dress, + intending, with his cool hands, to put out the fire. + </p> + <p> + The girl felt some one feeling, as she supposed, for her pocket-book, and + she started to run, yelling, “pickpocket,” and left the burning polonaise + in Mr. Field's hands. He blushed, and was about to explain to his lady + friends how the best of us are liable to have our motives misconstrued, + when somebody threw a box of four dozen of those large firecrackers right + at his feet, and they were all on fire. Ten of them exploded at once, and + he grabbed the polonaise in one hand and his burning coat tail in the + other, and started West on a run. + </p> + <p> + The steward of the Gideon's Band Club House, at Burlington, said he + arrived there at daylight on the morning of the 5th, and he still held the + pieces of dress, but the whole back of his coat was burned off, and his + suspenders just held by a thread. He said the comet struck the earth at + Racine, at 9:30 the night before, and knocked the town into the lake, and + he and another fellow were all that escaped. + </p> + <p> + The narrowest escape was that of young Mr. Oberman. He is a small man, all + except his heart and feet, and when the air began to fill with patriotic + missiles, he started to run. On passing the <i>News</i> office he had to + jump over the old coal stove that stood there, and while he was in the + air, six feet from the sidewalk, a sky rocket stick passed through his + coat tail and pinned him to the building, where he hung suspended, while + other rocket sticks were striking all around him, Roman candle colored + balls were falling on his unprotected head, etc., and one of these nigger + chasers, that run all over the ground, climbed up the side of the building + and tried to get in his pants pocket. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Oberman begged Mr. Wright, the postmaster, to cut him down, but Mr. + Wright, who was using both hands and his voice trying to disengage a + package of pin-wheels from the back portion of his coat, which were on + fire and throwing out colored sparks, said he hadn't got time, as he was + going down to the river to take a sitz bath for his health. + </p> + <p> + The man that keeps the hotel next door to the <i>News</i> office came out + with a pail of water, yelled “fire,” and threw the water on Mr. Curt + Treat's head. Mr. Treat was very much vexed, and told the hotel man if he + couldn't tell the difference between an auburn haired young man and a + pin-wheel, he'd better go and hire somebody that could. Friends of Mr. + Treat say that he would be justified in going into the hotel and ordering + a bottle of pop, and then refusing to pay for it, as the water took all + the starch out of his shirt. + </p> + <p> + Those who saw the explosion say it was one of the most magnificent, yet + awful and terrible sights ever witnessed, and the only wonder is that + somebody was not hurt. What added to the terror of the scene was when they + went to the artesian well to get water to put out the fire and found that + the well had ceased flowing. On investigation they found that Mr. Sage, + the Assemblyman, had crawled into the pipe. + </p> + <p> + By the way, Mr. Oberman finally got down from his terrible position by the + aid of the editor of the <i>Journal</i>, to whom Mr. Oberman promised coal + enough to run his engine for a year. Very few men displayed any coolness + except Mr. Treat and Mr. Sage. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + YOUNG FOOLS WHO MARRY. + </h2> + <p> + An exchange has the following item which may seem all right, but it will + get some young fellow's back broke yet: + </p> + <p> + “An Illinois justice has decided that courting is a public necessity, and + must not be interrupted; therefore, if a young man wanted to kiss a girl + he might put her father out of the room first if he liked.” + </p> + <p> + The publication of the above may cause some smart youth to do something he + will regret. The lame, sickly-looking father of a girl may come into the + parlor some night and find the warm-haired youth on the sofa with the + girl, and when the old man speaks of it being time to stop such nonsense, + the young man, with this judicial decision in his mind, will tell his + prospective father-in-law to wipe off his vest and go to bed. + </p> + <p> + The old man will spit on his hands and grasp the warm-haired young man by + the county seat and tie him up in a double bow knot, and pin a scarf on + him, and throw him out on the path to the gate, and then he will turn and + slap the girl across where the dress is plaited, and she will go up stairs + with her hand on her heart, as it were, and the old man will jump up and + say “Whoop?” + </p> + <p> + The young men of this country have got gall enough about visiting girls in + the evening at their homes without filling their heads with any such ideas + in regard to their legal rights. There are very few fathers who would + quietly submit to being told to go away by a youth with a striped neck tie + and pants too short at the bottom. + </p> + <p> + These sparkers are looked upon by parents generally as a nuisance, and + often they are right. Nine-tenths of the sparking is done by boys who + haven't got their growth, and they look so green that it is laughable for + old folks to look at them. They haven't generally got a second shirt, and + they are no more qualified to get married than a steer is to preach. And + yet marrying is about the first thing they think of. + </p> + <p> + A green boy, without a dollar, present or prospective, sparking a girl + regularly and talking of marrying is a spectacle for gods and men. He + should be reasoned with, and if he will not quit it until he is able to + support a wife, and to know who he loves, and the difference between love + and passion, he should be quarantined or put in a convent erected on + purpose for such cases. + </p> + <p> + Nine-tenths of the unhappy marriages are the result of green human calves + being allowed to run at large in the society pasture without any pokes on + them. They marry and have children before they do moustaches; they are + fathers of twins before they are proprietors of two pairs of pants, and + the little girls they marry are old women before they are twenty years + old. Occasionally one of these gosling marriages turns out all right, but + it is a clear case of luck. + </p> + <p> + If there was a law against young galoots sparking and marrying before they + have all their teeth cut, we suppose the little cusses would evade it some + way, but there ought to be a sentiment against it. It is time enough for + these bantams to think of finding a pullet when they have raised money + enough by their own work to buy a bundle of laths to build a hen house. + But they see a girl who looks cunning, and they are afraid there is not + going to be girls enough to go around, and they begin their work real + spry; and before they are aware of the sanctity of the marriage relation, + they are hitched for life, and before they own a cook-stove or a bedstead + they have to get up in the night and go for a doctor, so frightened that + they run themselves out of breath and abuse the doctor because he does not + run too; and when the doctor gets there he finds that there is not enough + linen in the house to wrap up a doll baby. + </p> + <p> + It is about this time that a young man begins to realize that he has been + a colossal fool, as he flies around to heat water and bring in the bath + tub, and as he goes whooping after his mother or her mother, he turns pale + around the gills, his hair turns red in a single night, and he calls high + heaven to witness that if he lives till morning, which he has doubts + about, he will turn over a new leaf and never get married again until he + is older. And in the morning the green-looking “father” is around before a + drug store is open, with no collar on, his hair sticking every way, his + eyes blood-shot and his frame nervous, waiting for the clerk to open the + door so he can get some saffron to make tea of. + </p> + <p> + Less than a year ago he thought he was the greatest man there was + anywhere, but he sits there in the house that morning, with his wedding + coat rusty and shiny, his pants frayed at the bottom and patched in the + seat, and the nurse puts in his arm a little bundle of flannel with a baby + hid in it, and he holds it as he would a banana, and as he looks at his + girl wife on the bed, nearly dead from pain and exhaustion, and he thinks + that there are not provisions enough in the house to feed a canary, a lump + comes in his throat and he says to himself that if he had it to do over + again he would leave that little girl at home with her mother; and he + would, till he had six dollars to buy baby flannel and ten dollars to pay + the doctor. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + LARGE MOUTHS ARE FASHIONABLE. + </h2> + <p> + The fashion papers, which are authority on the styles, claim that ladies + with large mouths are all the fashion now, and that those whose mouths are + small and rosebud-like are all out of style. It is singular the freaks + that are taken by fashion. Years ago a red-headed girl, with a mouth like + a slice cut out of a muskmelon, would have been laughed at, and now such a + girl is worth going miles to see. + </p> + <p> + It is easier to color the hair red, and be in fashion, than it is to + enlarge the mouth, though a mouth that has any give to it can be helped by + the constant application of a glove stretcher during the day, and by + holding the cover to a tin blacking box while sleeping. What in the world + the leaders of fashion wanted to declare large mouths the style for, the + heavens only can tell. + </p> + <p> + Take a pretty face and mortise about a third of it for mouth, and it seems + to us as though it is a great waste of raw material. There is no use that + a large mouth can be put to that a small mouth would not do better, unless + it is used for a pigeon hole to file away old sets of false teeth. They + can't, certainly, be any better for kissing. + </p> + <p> + You all remember the traveling man who attended the church fair at + Kalamazoo, where one of the sisters would give a kiss for ten cents. He + went up and paid his ten cents, and was about to kiss her when he noticed + that her mouth was one of those large, open face, cylinder escapement, to + be continued mouths. It commenced at the chin and went about four chains + and three links in a northwesterly direction, then around by her ear, + across under the nose and back by the other ear to the place of beginning, + and containing twelve acres, more or less. + </p> + <p> + The traveling man said he was only a poor orphan, and had a family to + support, and if he never came out alive it would be a great hardship upon + those dependent upon him for support, and he asked her as a special favor + that she take her hand and take a reef in one side of the mouth so it + would be smaller. She consented, and puckered in a handful of what would + have been cheek, had it not been mouth. He looked at her again and found + that the mouth had become a very one-sided affair, and he said he had just + one more favor to ask. + </p> + <p> + He was not a man that was counted hard to suit when he was at home in + Chicago, but he would always feel as though he had got his money's worth, + and go away with pleasanter recollections of Kalamazoo, if she would + kindly take her other hand and draw the other side of her mouth together, + and he would be content to take his ten cents' worth out of what was left + unemployed. + </p> + <p> + This was too much, and she gave him a terrible look, and returned him his + ten cents, saying, “Do you think, sir, because you are a Chicago drummer, + that for ten cents you can take a kiss right out of the best part of it? + Go! Get thee to a nunnery,” and he went and bought a lemonade with the + money. + </p> + <p> + We would not advise any lady whose mouth is small to worry about this new + fashion, and try to enlarge the one nature has given her. Large mouths + will have their run in a few brief months and will be much sought after by + the followers of fashion, but in a short time the little ones that pout, + and look cunning, will come to the front and the large ones will be for + rent. The best kind of a mouth to have is a middling sized one, that has a + dimple by its sides, which is always in style. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0062" id="link2H_4_0062"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + LOOKING FOR A MOOLEY COW. + </h2> + <p> + It is painful to read the remarks made by some of the papers in regard to + the wicked stories told about a minister named Atwater, up in Dunn county, + who was walking in the woods with a young lady. Some editors would believe + anything that was told of a minister, if they knew it was untrue. + </p> + <p> + The truth of the matter seems to be that the elder called to visit a Miss + Northrop, a member of his church, who taught school at Knapp. She seemed + to have something on her mind, which she wanted to unfold to him, and as + there were other people in the house where she boarded, it was suggested + that they walk up a hill, into a piece of woods, where they could talk + more freely. + </p> + <p> + They started out, and a lot of saw mill hands saw them, and immediately + concluded that something was wrong, and after the truly good people had + got into the brush the men followed. How natural it is for bad men to + think there is something wrong, where two persons of the opposite sex are + congregated together. The elder and the schoolma'am went in the grubs and + sat down on a log, and there she unfolded to him her tale of woe. + </p> + <p> + It appears that she had violated one of the rules of the church by + dancing, and she felt that she ought to confess, and did confess. She + cried like a child, and seemed to be weak, and the elder put his arm + around her to keep her from falling off the log. Everybody knows how easy + it is to roll off a log, if they are not looking, and any man that + wouldn't put his arm around a girl, to keep her from falling off a log, + would be a fool whom it would be base flattery to call another. + </p> + <p> + She continued to weep—even the girl admits that—and he put his + hand up to her forehead and stroked her hair, and told her to be calm, and + her head may have fallen upon his breast. The number of heads that + wouldn't, under the circumstances, are mighty few. She was overcome with + grief and he with pity, and he tried to show her that if she braced up and + tried to lead a different life, and shook the dancing hall and the wicked + people who would put their arms around her, she might yet be saved. + </p> + <p> + One can imagine that he was displeased at her going into a giddy throng, + to be hugged in plain sight, to the music of a band, and pointed out to + her how much more beautiful it would be to go into the woods, on a log. + </p> + <p> + He had, it is alleged, got through soothing her, and she was about to wipe + her nose on her handkerchief, and he was about to remove his arm from + about her waist, when those wicked and perverse men from the saw mill came + whooping into the thicket where they sat, looking for a mooley cow with + one horn broke. + </p> + <p> + Now, the elder and the girl knew in a moment that they were not looking + for a mooley cow, but that they were scoffers, and when they asked the + elder if he had seen such an animal, he rose up with much dignity, + buttoned up his coat, and in a pious manner said that he had not seen the + cow. He did not upbraid them for breaking into the solitude of the sacred + confessional, looking for a mooley cow, but seemed to act the perfect + gentleman all the way through. + </p> + <p> + Nothing had transpired that might not have transpired in a parlor, if + there had not been so many people in the house, and yet these illiterate + and ungodly saw mill hands went off and told a story that would make + angels blush. It is possible that the elder did wrong in not offering to + go with them and look for the mooley cow, but we should not chide him for + that. He probably had not time to take up a collection of his thoughts, + and no doubt after he thought it over he was sorry he did not offer his + services to them as a herder of mooley cows, but it was then everlastingly + too late. + </p> + <p> + They had gone and told the old, old story, and nothing remained to be done + but to call a church meeting, which was done, and the elder and the girl + were acquitted of any wrong doing. This was right. If men are to be + deposed from the ministry for sitting down on a log and consoling a female + parishioner, what is to become of the world? + </p> + <p> + We don't believe the elder had any wrong motive, or that a thought entered + his head that might not have entered any man's head under the + circumstances. And yet it was unfortunate, it is so confounded hard to + explain what they walked a mile for to get into the woods where there was + a log. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0063" id="link2H_4_0063"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE HARMFUL HAMMOCK. + </h2> + <p> + Geo. W. Peck, of Peck's <i>Sun</i>, knows more about the harmful hammock, + both by experience and observation, than any other man in America. His + testimony runs as follows: + </p> + <p> + A young couple who were sitting in a hammock at one of the watering places + in this State were severely injured by tipping over backwards and striking + on the cheek of a head waiter. There is something about a hammock that is + indescribable, and there is no rule that can be made that will insure + safety while sitting in one of the queer things. There are people who + believe that a hammock understands what is going on, and occasionally + indulges in a joke. + </p> + <p> + It is certain that an old person with a lame back can swing in a hammock + half the day and it will never kick up. Servant girls and children can get + in a hammock as thick as three in a bed and there is no danger, but let a + spoony young couple sit down in a hammock ever so carefully and it seems + as though the confounded thing was alive, and had taken a contract to + spill them out on the ground in all sorts of embarrassing shapes. What it + is that causes the commotion will, perhaps, never be known, without an + investigation by some middle aged person, and if the season was not so + near over we would investigate the blasted thing ourself, in the interest + of our young readers who are in the full blush of hammockhood. + </p> + <p> + There can be nothing much more annoying to a young couple than to be + sitting side by side or facing each other in a hammock, looking into each + other's eyes, and allowing the love they dare not speak to show itself in + those orbs, and just as they are feeling as though they couldn't live a + minute unless they clasped each other to each other's heaving bosoms, or + at least one heaving bosom and one boiled shirt, and then have the hammock + turn bottom side up and land them on the back of their necks, on the + ground, with legs pointed towards the crab apples on the trees to which + the hammock is hitched, arms flinging wildly to pull down pantaloon legs, + and hands convulsively clawing gravel and muslin and delaine, while + blushes suffuse faces that but a moment before were a background for the + picture of love's young dream, and a crowd of spectators on the hotel + verandah laughing and saying, “Set 'em up again.” The hammock shakes + itself and turns right side up for other victims, as though it knew what + it had been doing, and enjoyed it. + </p> + <p> + There are young men all over the land who have been through such + experiences, and had to walk backwards all the way to the house, owing to + fissure veins being discovered in the wearing apparel below the + suspenders, while the number of girls that have been mortified by having + to go to the house with their back hair in one hand, their skirts in the + other, while six places between the polonaise and the ear-rings were + aching like the toothache from contact with the gravel path, are legion, + and we call upon the authorities to suppress the hammock as a nuisance. + </p> + <p> + More matches have been broken up by hammocks than by all the Sunday + schools in the world, and no girl who is bow-legged, or has an ankle like + a rutabaga, should ever trust herself in a hammock, even though it is held + by half a dozen friends, as the hammock will shy at a piece of paper as + quick as a skittish horse, and in such a moment as ye think not you are on + all fours, your head dizzy, and if there is a hole in your stocking as + small as a Democrat's hope of election, it will look to outsiders as big + as the gate to a fair ground. O, a hammock is worse than a bicycle. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0064" id="link2H_4_0064"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOYS AND CIRCUSES. + </h2> + <p> + There is one thing the American people have got to learn, and that is to + give scholars in schools a half holiday when there is a circus in town. We + know that we are in advance of many of the prominent educators of the + country when we advocate such a policy, but sooner or later the people + whose duty it is to superintend schools will learn that we are right, and + they will have to catch up with us or resign. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, a boy is going to attend a circus, if there is one in + town, and the question before teachers and superintendents should be, not + how to prevent him from going to the circus, but how to keep his mind on + his books the day before the circus and the day after. There have been + several million boys made into liars by school officials attempting to + prevent their going to circuses, and we contend that it is the duty of + teachers to place as few temptations to lie as possible in the way of + boys. + </p> + <p> + If a boy knows that there will be no school on the afternoon of circus + day, he will study like a whitehead all the forenoon, and learn twice as + much as he will in all day if he can't go. If he knows that there is a + conspiracy on foot between his parents and the teachers to keep him from + the circus, he begins to think of some lie to get out of school. He will + be sick, or run away, or something. + </p> + <p> + He will get there, if possible. And after the first lie succeeds in + getting him out of school, he is a liar from the word go. There is + something, some sort of electricity that runs from a boy to a circus, and + all the teachers in the world cannot break the connection. A circus is the + boys' heaven. + </p> + <p> + You may talk to him about the beautiful gates ajar, and the angel band in + heaven that plays around the great white throne, and he can't understand + it, but the least hint about the circus tent, with the flap pulled to one + side to get in, and the band wagon, and the girls jumping through hoops, + and the clown, and he is onto your racket at a jump. + </p> + <p> + You may try to paralyze him by the story of Daniel in the den of lions, + and how he was saved by his faith in a power above, and the boy's mind + will revert to the circus, where a man in tights and spangles goes in and + bosses the lions and tigers around, and he will wonder if Daniel had a + rawhide, and backed out of the cage with his eye on the boss lion. + </p> + <p> + At a certain age a circus can hold over heaven or anything else, in a + boy's mind, and as long as the circus does not hurt him, why not shut up + shop a half a day and let him go? If you keep him in school he won't learn + anything, and he will go to the circus in the evening, and be up half the + night seeing the canvas men tear down the tent and load up, and the next + day he is all played out and not worth a continental. To some it would + look foolish to dismiss school for a circus, but it will cement a + friendship between teachers and scholars that nothing else could. + </p> + <p> + Suppose, a day or two before a circus arrives, the teacher should say to + the school: “Now I want you kids to go through your studies like a tramp + through a boiled dinner, and when the circus comes we will close up this + ranch and all go the circus, and if any of you can't raise the money to + go, leave your names on my desk and I will see you inside the tent if I + have to pawn my shirt.” + </p> + <p> + Of course it is a male teacher we are supposing said this. Well, don't you + suppose those boys and girls would study? They would fairly whoop it up. + And then suppose the teacher found forty boys that hadn't any money to go, + and he had no school funds to be used for such a purpose. + </p> + <p> + How long would it take him to collect the money by going around among + business men who had been boys themselves? He would go into a store and + say he was trying to raise money to take some of the poor children to the + circus, and a dozen hands would go down into a dozen pockets in two jerks + of a continued story, and they would all chip in. + </p> + <p> + O, we are too smart. We are trying to fire education into boys with a + shotgun, when we ought to get it into them inside of sugar coated pills. + Let us turn over a new leaf now, and show these boys that we have got + souls in us, and that we want them to have a good time if we don't lay up + a cent. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0065" id="link2H_4_0065"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A TRYING SITUATION. + </h2> + <p> + It was along in the winter, and the prominent church members were having a + business meeting in the basement of the church to devise ways and means to + pay for the pulpit furniture. The question of an oyster sociable had been + decided, and they got to talking about oysters, and one old deaconess + asked a deacon if he didn't think raw oysters would go further, at a + sociable, than stewed oysters. + </p> + <p> + He said he thought raw oysters would go further but they wouldn't be as + satisfying. And then he went on to tell how far a raw oyster went once + with him. He said he was at a swell dinner party, with a lady on each side + of him, and he was trying to talk to both of them, or carry on two + conversations, on two different subjects, at the same time. + </p> + <p> + They had some shell oysters, and he took up one on a fork—a large, + fat one—and was about to put it in his mouth, when the lady on his + left called his attention, and when the cold fork struck his teeth, and no + oyster on it, he felt as though it had escaped, but he made no sign. He + went on talking with the lady as though nothing had happened. He glanced + down at his shirt bosom, and was at once on the trail of the oyster, + though the insect had got about two minutes start of him. It had gone down + his vest, under the waistband of his clothing, and he was powerless to + arrest its progress. + </p> + <p> + He said he never felt how powerless he was until he tried to grab that + oyster by placing his hand on his person, outside his clothes; then, as + the oyster slipped around from one place to another, he felt that man was + only a poor, weak creature. + </p> + <p> + The oyster, he observed, had very cold feet, and the more he tried to be + calm and collected, the more the oyster seemed to walk around among his + vitals. + </p> + <p> + He says he does not know whether the ladies noticed the oyster when it + started on its travels, or not, but he thought as he leaned back and tried + to loosen up his clothing, so it would hurry down towards his shoes, that + they winked at each other, though they might have been winking at + something else. + </p> + <p> + The oyster seemed to be real spry until it got out of reach, and then it + got to going slow, as the slickery covering wore off, and by the time it + had worked into his trousers leg, it was going very slow, though it + remained cold to the last, and he hailed the arrival of that oyster into + the heel of his stocking with more delight than he did the raising of the + American flag over Vicksburg, after the long siege. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + The sleeping car companies are discussing the idea advanced by the <i>Sun</i>, + of placing safes in the cars, or iron drawers with locks, into which + passengers can place their watches and money. We trust the iron drawers + will be adopted, as the flannel drawers now used are not safe by any + means. It is true they are sometimes tied with a string in the small of + the back, but the combination is not difficult for even a stranger to + unlock, unless it is tied in a hard knot. Give us iron drawers in a + sleeping car by all means. To be sure they will be cold; but everything is + cold in a sleeping car except the colored porter. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Several proprietors of eastern resorts have announced that only adults + will be entertained, and that no children will be admitted as guests on + any terms. At first we would be inclined to say that a hotel proprietor + who would make such a distinction could have no soul, but when we reflect + that the proprietor is catering to the pleasure of a majority of his + guests, then we conclude that the guests are devoid of souls. + </p> + <p> + What kind of a place would a summer resort be without happy children? It + would be a hospital for decayed roues, very old maids, women who hated + children, smart Alecks who were mashers, dead beats and sour curmudgeons. + The day would be put in in gossiping, exercising old flirts with stiff + joints, drinking at somebody's expense, and fishing for rich husbands with + graveyard coughs, and angling for women who wanted to be caught and didn't + care a continental who caught them. + </p> + <p> + The atmosphere about such a place would be a blizzard of heat and cold, + filled with fine sand, and would make a person with a heart, who loved + children, think he or she was in hell looking for an artesian well. + </p> + <p> + A hotel proprietor who will thus insult the better part of the human race, + should be ignored entirely by all who love children, and he should be + compelled to stand on his deserted verandah all the season and see his + rival across the way, who entertains children, surrounded by the richest + and best guests, and the soulless creature, and the few soulless, + dyspeptic boarders that he has, should be obliged to listen to the + laughter of thousands of happy children running races and playing tag up + and down the lawn of the man who has a soul. + </p> + <p> + No one who would patronize a summer hotel that refuses little children a + breath of God's fresh air should enjoy a moment's pleasure. Mosquitoes + should bore them, and country dogs should bark all night and keep them + awake. Be they male or female resorters, we pray for ants to crawl up + them, for bugs and worms to go down them, for snakes to frighten them out + of their boots or gaiters, for country cows to run them out of pastures, + and fleas to get inside their night gowns and practice the lancers all + night. May their food disagree with them, their clothes fail to come back + from the laundry, and their bandoline lose its staying qualities. + </p> + <p> + And may those at the house where children are welcome have health and + happiness, and may they get to heaven, eventually, with the children, and + while on the way up there may they throw a bundle of prepared kindling + wood into the pit below where the child haters are sighing for zinc + ulsters. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0066" id="link2H_4_0066"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE KIND OF A DOCTOR TO HAVE. + </h2> + <p> + A dispatch from Long Branch announces that “Dr. Bliss goes to New York for + a few hours today.” That is encouraging. If the doctors had kept away from + the President more he would have been better. He has had from one to six + doctors in sight, night and day, for over ten weeks. Take a man here at + home that is sick, and let a doctor go and stay with him night and day, + and how long do you suppose the man would live? + </p> + <p> + What a sick man wants is to have a doctor go around practicing on other + people, and come in once or twice a day, blow off a little steam, slap the + patient on the leg and say, “Well, boss, how's your liver?” A sick man + wants to have a doctor forget to come some time when he is expected, and + get nervous about it, instead of getting nervous because the pill-bags is + there all the time, smelling of everything. + </p> + <p> + Let a doctor that is due at the bedside at 4 o'clock, say, stay away till + 6, and then come in and tell about being down on the South Side to see + about somebody's having a sick baby, or to sew up a man that has been to a + circus, and the cross patient that has been waiting for the doctor till he + got mad, is better at once. It cheers him to know that somebody else has a + baby or had a gash cut in him in a fight, and changes his mind about + swearing at the doctor, and feels better. + </p> + <p> + Why, some of our best doctors never think of curing a man until they get + him mad a few times. It braces a man up to get mad and think, “Now that + confounded old pill-bags has forgotten all about me, and I'll bet he is in + a saloon somewhere shaking the dice for the drinks.” A sick man gains + strength, actually, lying in bed and thinking how he would like to kick + the stuffin' out of a doctor. + </p> + <p> + A doctor who has only one patient is a damage to the patient, and Garfield + has suffered more by having those doctors around when he ought to have + been left alone till he yearned for them, than anybody imagines. Why, the + feeling of a man's pulse for half an hour, and timing it as you would a + trotting horse, is enough to make a well man sick. What a doctor wants to + do is to feel of a man's pulse about one second, and then throw the + patient's hand down and say: “O, you are all right. We will have you + entered in a walking match next week.” + </p> + <p> + He wants to say something of this kind if the man is dying. A doctor has + got to be a good deal of a liar, to succeed. We do not mean to say Bliss + is not a liar, but somehow he does not seem to display judgment. He is too + much of a stayer. Bliss is too frequent. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0067" id="link2H_4_0067"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ABE TALKING ABOUT. + </h2> + <p> + A celebrated writer on the state of the country, has an article in a + magazine, in which occurs the following paragraph: + </p> + <p> + “The defects of the New England girl may be done away with by giving less + prominence to the purely intellectual or purely practical side of her + education.” + </p> + <p> + In the first place, we do not admit that there are any defects in the + Boston girl, but if there <i>are</i> defects, as is alleged by the writer + above, and by other scientific persons, we do not see how giving less + prominence to her intellectuality is going to do away with them. For + instance, there is a defect in the girl whereby she has a shin on both + sides of her lower limb, or an indentation where there should be the + customary calf—we say calf advisedly, because it <i>is</i> a calf, + and no person need be ashamed of it, even if it <i>is</i> terrible slim—we + don't see how that defect can be done away with by giving less prominence + to the purely practical side of her education. It does not stand to + reason. Sawdust, or bran would be worth two of it. + </p> + <p> + Or, again, suppose the New England girl has no hips to speak of, or her + stomach is caved in where there should be a fullness, is the giving of + less prominence to the purely intellectual side of her education going to + do away with these defects, or fill up the waste places and make them + glad? Not much! A sack of canary seed, or a rubber air cushion, or a bale + of cotton, beats the Boston idea all hollow, and we will leave it to + anybody that knows anything. + </p> + <p> + Now, as to hair. Suppose the Boston girl has no more natural hair than one + of these Mexican dogs, is education going to raise a crop of hair? Not by + any means—she has got to buy it. + </p> + <p> + No, you Boston magazine critters can theoretically take a plain, + unvarnished New England girl with these defects, and give all the + prominence you want to to the practical side of her education, and you may + imagine you can do away with these defects and make her pass muster in a + crowd, but when you get all through she will be homely as a stone fence, + and some western girl, with no defects at all, just a natural born jolly + girl, with not too much education and intellectuality, will come along + there, and all Boston will go crazy after her. + </p> + <p> + You fellows don't seem to know what you are talking about. Well, we don't + know what we are talking about either, but we had to write something to + fill up with, and girls are the easiest things in the world to write + about. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0068" id="link2H_4_0068"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A KANSAS CYCLONE. + </h2> + <p> + The little town of Clyde, Kansas, is mighty full of vinegar for a place of + its size. The principal amusement the boys have is to scare the daylights + out of visitors from the States by telling big stories about cyclones. + </p> + <p> + There are two young fellows in business there named Will May and Charley + Armstrong. They have a store where they buy butter, and eggs, and things, + and pack them for the Eastern market. Last June, Uncle Armstrong, father + of Charley, and a young fellow named Charley Farmer, were out there + visiting. The hosts entertained the guests to the most hair-standing + stories about cyclones, until they were so nervous they couldn't sleep at + night. + </p> + <p> + One night the guests had retired, and the zephyr was pretty loud. Will and + Charley got into the room adjoining that occupied by the guests, and began + to talk about funnel-shaped clouds, trees torn up by the roots, horses + flying through the air, and wagons being taken up bodily and carried away—talking + so the guests could hear them. Then they prayed for strength to pull them + through the fearful ordeal; and, pretending that a cyclone was upon them, + they started down stairs head over appetite, to get into the refrigerator, + in the cellar, for safety, yelling to the guests to fly for their lives. + </p> + <p> + Uncle Armstrong is getting pretty well along in years, but he got down to + the cellar about ten stairs ahead of young Farmer, and asked to be allowed + to get into the refrigerator first. It seemed a little cruel to the boys + to let the guests get in there with nothing on but their undershirts, but + they were going to have some fun, so they put them in among the cakes of + ice, and Uncle Armstrong sat down on the zinc floor and allowed that if + his life was spared till morning, he would never set foot in Kansas again. + </p> + <p> + Young Farmer sat on a firkin of butter, and leaned against the zinc lined + side of the refrigerator, and tried to pray, but he had forgotten the + combination; and couldn't make a first payment. + </p> + <p> + Will and Charley went up stairs ostensibly to lock the safe, but really to + go on with the programme. The first thing they did was to fire off a + shotgun, and roll a keg of shingle-nails down the cellar stairs, and yell + to the guests in the refrigerator to look out for God's sake, as the house + was struck by lightning. + </p> + <p> + Young Farmer got down off the firkin, and got on his knees, and tried to + repeat some Sunday school lesson, but all he could think of was, “Evil + communications corrupt two in the bush.” The old gentleman, who was struck + in the small of the back by a piece of ice that fell off some butter, + thought he was struck by lightning; so he began to sing, “A charge to keep + I have.” + </p> + <p> + The boys up stairs got a bag of buckshot, and opened it, and every little + while would throw a handful onto the outside cellar door, right above the + heads of the freezing occupants of the refrigerator, at the same time + pounding a piece of sheet iron to make thunder. They kept this up for an + hour, and then got a barrel and filled it with broken glass and pieces of + crockery, and they would roll it across the floor above, while one would + take an ax and pound on some bar iron that was leaning against the wall, + making a most hideous noise. + </p> + <p> + Charley Farmer said he supposed he was as well prepared to die as he ever + would be, but he said he would give ten dollars if he had his pants down + there. + </p> + <p> + Uncle Armstrong asked him what difference it made whether he had his pants + on or not, and Charley said he didn't want to be ushered into the New + Jerusalem with all his sins on his head, before the angels, and nothing on + but a knit undershirt. + </p> + <p> + They were discussing this question when they gave vent to a dying groan, + closed their eyes, and then all was still. + </p> + <p> + The prisoners thought it was all over, and they didn't stir for about ten + minutes. They thought the house had blown away, and left them alive, and + they were inclined to be thankful even for that; when Charley and Will + came down and opened the refrigerator, and told them the storm was over, + but that it was the almightiest cyclone that ever passed over Kansas. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0069" id="link2H_4_0069"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HOW JEFF DAVIS WAS CAPTURED. + </h2> + <p> + The accounts of the capture of Jeff Davis, in his wife's clothes, which + have been published ever since the war, have caused many to laugh, and has + surrounded the last days of the confederacy with a halo of ludicrousness + that has caused much hard feeling between Mr. Davis and the American + people. His friends would have been much better pleased if he had bared + his breast to the cavalryman who captured him, and been run through with a + sabre, and died with some proud last words on his lips, such as, “Who will + care for mother now,” or “The cause is lost. Send out a search warrant to + find it.” + </p> + <p> + It was a terribly ridiculous ending to a great struggle, the way we have + been in the habit of reading the story, but now we have a new light on the + subject. Mr. Davis has written a book on the war, and in it he gives the + following particulars of his capture and the bravery he displayed. Instead + of sneaking off in his wife's petticoat, after a pail of spring water, Mr. + Davis describes that escape as being almost a bloody encounter. He says: + </p> + <p> + “I had gone perhaps fifteen or twenty yards when a trooper galloped up and + ordered me to halt and surrender, to which I gave a defiant answer, and, + dropping the shawl and raglan from my shoulders, advanced toward him. He + leveled his carbine at me, but I expected if he fired he would miss me, + and my intention was, in that event, to put my hand under his foot, tumble + him off on the other side, spring into his saddle and attempt to escape. + My wife, who had been watching, when she saw the soldier aim his carbine + at me, ran forward and threw her arms around me. Success depended on + instantaneous action, and, recognizing that the opportunity had been lost, + I turned back, and, the morning being damp and chilly, passed on to a fire + beyond the tent.” + </p> + <p> + This puts an entirely different face on the affair, and instead of being a + childish coward, he represents himself to have been an arch conspirator, + who disguised himself as a female to get a good chance to throw a boy off + his horse and steal the horse. We can only admire the calm determination + of the man, as he stood there waiting for the boy to shoot, so he could + rush up, unarmed, put his hand under the soldier's foot, tip him off the + horse, get on himself, without receipting to the government for the horse, + and skedaddle. + </p> + <p> + It is not necessary to inquire what the boy would have been doing all the + time Jeff was pulling him off the horse. We all know how easy it is for an + unarmed old man to spill a healthy soldier off a horse. We can readily see + that the soldier could not have whacked the old fellow over the head with + the empty carbine, or drawn his sabre and run him through, or given him a + few shots out of a revolver. + </p> + <p> + Jeff had, no doubt, arranged in his own mind to chloroform the bold + Michigan cavalryman, but his wife broke it all up by throwing her arms + around him at an inopportune moment, thus pinioning the President of the + Confederacy so he could not whip the Union army. And so, like Adam, Jeff + lays the whole business to the woman. What would we do without women to + lay everything to? + </p> + <p> + And while Jeff must ever doubt the judgment of his wife in breaking up his + plans at that trying moment, when so much was at stake, how that soldier, + whose life was saved by her act, must revere her, memory! Had the woman + not held Jeff the soldier must have been pitched off his horse, and + striking on his head, he must have been killed. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Davis does not say so, but we have no doubt his plan was to have the + soldier strike on his head on a projecting root or stone, so he would be + killed. If there should be another war, we should never join the cavalry + branch of the service unless there was an understanding that no old men, + armed with petticoats and tin water pails, should be allowed to charge on + cavalrymen and throw them off their horses. + </p> + <p> + It is said that during the late war no man ever saw a dead cavalryman, but + if the tactics of Mr. Davis had been adopted early in the war, the + mortality must have been fearful, and perhaps the result of the war would + have been different. We cannot be too thankful that Jeff didn't think of + that way of demoralizing cavalry before. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0070" id="link2H_4_0070"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THOSE BOLD, BAD DRUMMERS. + </h2> + <p> + About seventy-five traveling men were snowed in at Green Bay during a late + blockade, and they were pretty lively around the hotels, having quiet fun + Friday and Saturday, and passing away the time the best they could, some + playing seven up, others playing billiards, and others looking on. Some of + the truly good people in town thought the boys were pretty tough, and they + wore long faces and prayed for the blockade to raise so the spruce looking + chaps could go away. + </p> + <p> + The boys noticed that occasionally a lantern-jawed fellow would look pious + at them, as though afraid he would be contaminated, so Sunday morning they + decided to go to church in a body. Seventy-five of them slicked up and + marched to the Rev. Dr. Morgan's church, where the reverend gentleman was + going to deliver a sermon on temperance. No minister ever had a more + attentive audience, or a more intelligent one, and when the collection + plate was passed every last one of the travelers chipped in a silver + dollar. + </p> + <p> + When the sexton had received the first ten dollars the perspiration stood + out on his forehead as though he had been caught in something. It was + getting heavy, something that never occurred before in the history of + church collections at the Bay. As he passed by the boys, and dollar after + dollar was added to his burden, he felt like he was at a picnic, and when + twenty-five dollars had accumulated on the plate he had to hold it with + both hands, and finally the plate was full, and he had to go and empty it + on the table in front of the pulpit, though he was careful to remember + where he left off, so he wouldn't go twice to the same drummer. + </p> + <p> + As he poured the shekels out on the table, as still as he could, every + person in the audience almost raised up to look at the pile, and there was + a smile on every face, and every eye turned to the part of the church + where sat the seventy-five solemn looking traveling men, who never smole a + smile. The sexton looked up to the minister, who was picking out a hymn, + as much as to say, “Boss, we have struck it rich, and I am going back to + work the lead some more.” The minister looked at the boys, and then at the + sexton as though saying, “Verily, I would rather preach to seventy-five + Milwaukee and Chicago drummers than to own a brewery. Go, thou, and reap + some more trade dollars in my vineyard.” + </p> + <p> + The sexton went back and commenced where he left off. He had his + misgivings, thinking maybe some of the boys would glide out in his + absence, or think better of the affair and only put in nickels on the + second heat, but the first man the sexton held out the platter to planked + down his dollar, and all the boys followed suit, not a man “passed” or “ra + nigged,” and when the last drummer had been interviewed the sexton carried + the biggest load of silver back to the table that he ever saw. + </p> + <p> + Some of the silver dollars rolled off on the floor, and he had to put some + in his coat pockets, but he got them all, and looked around at the + congregation with a smile and wiped the perspiration off his forehead with + a bandanna handkerchief and winked, as much as to say, “The first man that + speaks disrespectfully of a traveling man in my presence will get thumped, + and don't you forget it.” + </p> + <p> + The minister rose up in the pulpit, looked at the wealth on the table, and + read the hymn, “A charge to keep I have,” and the congregation joined, the + travelers swelling the glad anthem as though they belonged to a Pinafore + chorus. They all bowed their heads while the minister, with one eye on the + dollars, pronounced the benediction, and the services were over. + </p> + <p> + The traveling men filed out through the smiles of the ladies and went to + the hotel, while half the congregation went forward to the anxious seat, + to “view the remains.” It is safe to say that it will be unsafe, in the + future, to speak disparagingly of traveling men in Green Bay, as long as + the memory of that blockade Sunday remains green with the good people + there. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0071" id="link2H_4_0071"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ANGELS OR EAGLES. + </h2> + <p> + We are told that in the revision of the Bible the passage, “And I beheld + an angel flying through the midst of heaven,” has been changed to “eagle,” + and that all allusions to angels have been changed to “eagles.” This + knocks the everlasting spots out of the angel business, and the poetry of + wanting to be an angel, “and with the angels stand,” has become the + veriest prose. + </p> + <p> + We have never had any particular desire to stand with angels, not this + year, but there was a certain beauty in the idea that we would all be + angels when we got through whooping it up down here and went to heaven. + </p> + <p> + Particularly was this the case with children and women, and old persons, + and to have the angel business wiped out by a lot of white chokered + revisers is too much. There are many of us that would never make very + attractive angels, unless we were altered over a good deal, and made + smaller. + </p> + <p> + Some of us, to pass current among angels, would have to wear wigs. How + would a male bald-headed angel, with a red nose, and one eye gone, look + flying a match through the blue ethereal space with a trim built girl + angel? The other angels would just sit around on the ground, picking pin + feathers out of their wings, and laugh so a fellow would want to go off + somewhere and get behind a tree and condemn his luck. + </p> + <p> + There are few men who would be improved by fastening wings on their + shoulder blades, and we never believed they could make the thing work, but + the preachers have kept pounding it into us until we all got an idea there + would be some process that could transform us into angels that would pass + in a crowd. + </p> + <p> + Now, you take Long John Wentworth, of Chicago, a man seven feet high, and + weighing four hundred pounds. What kind of an angel would he make? They + would have to put wings on him as big as a side show tent, or he never + could make any headway. Just imagine John circling around over the New + Jerusalem, until he saw a twenty dollar gold piece loose in the pavement + of the golden streets. He would cut loose and go down there so quick it + would break him all up. + </p> + <p> + And then suppose angel Storey, of the <i>Times</i>, and angel Medill, of + the <i>Tribune</i>, should have got their eyes on that loose gold piece, + and got there about the same time before angel John arrived, and should be + quarreling over it? John would knock Storey over onto a hydrant with one + wing, and mash angel Medill in the gutter with the other, and take the + gold piece in his toes and fly off to where the choir was singing, and + break them all up singing, “You'll never miss the water till the well runs + dry.” + </p> + <p> + We have never taken a great deal of stock in the angel doctrine, because + we knew pretty well what kind of material they would have to be made of, + but we had rather be an angel than an eagle. Who the deuce wants to die + and be an eagle, like “Old Abe,” and eat rats? In a heaven full of eagles + there would be the worst clawing that ever was, and the air would be full + of feathers. Eagles won't do, and the revisers ought to have known it. + </p> + <p> + If we have got to be anything let us insist on being angels, via the + Bible, and then we can have some fun. With big flocks of angels, and good + weather, and nothing to do but to sing praises and browse around to pass + away the time, and no rent to pay, and no bills of any kind to keep track + of, it does seem as though some of us could think of some tableaux, or + picnic, or something to have a good time, but let us strike on being + eagles, revisers or no revisers. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0072" id="link2H_4_0072"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AN ACCIDENT ALL ABOUND. + </h2> + <p> + A most ridiculous scene occurred at a church in Newcastle, Penn., one + Sunday, a short time ago. A policeman was passing the church as a + gentleman came out. The man jokingly accosted the policeman and said he + was wanted inside meaning that he would be glad to have him turn from the + error of his ways, and seek the truth and enjoy a peace that passeth all + understanding. The stupid policeman thought there was some trouble in the + church, so he went in. + </p> + <p> + The sexton, seeing a policeman, was anxious to give him a favorable seat, + so he said, “Come right in here,” and he took him into a pew and waved his + hand as much as to say, “Help yourself.” There was another man in the pew, + a deacon with a sinister expression, as the policeman thought, and he + supposed that was the man they wanted arrested, so he tapped the deacon on + the arm and told him to go into the aisle. The deacon struggled, thinking + the policeman was crazy, and tried to get away, but he was dragged along. + Many of the congregation thought that the deacon had been doing something + wrong, and some of them got behind the deacon and helped the officer fire + him out. + </p> + <p> + Arriving at the lock-up, the policeman saw the man who told him he was + wanted in the church and asked him what the charge was against the deacon, + and he didn't know, so the sexton was appealed to, and he didn't know, and + finally the prisoner was asked what it was all about, and he didn't know. + </p> + <p> + The policeman was asked what he arrested the man for, and he didn't know, + and after awhile the matter was explained, and the policeman, who had to + arrest somebody, took the man into custody who told him he was wanted in + the church, and he was fined five dollars and costs. + </p> + <p> + He says he will never try to convert a policeman again, and the policeman + says he will never go into a church again if they get to knocking each + other down with hymn books. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0073" id="link2H_4_0073"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PRIZE FIGHTING AND MORMONISM. + </h2> + <p> + The trouble that is usually experienced by prize fighters in finding a + place where they can fight unmolested must have been apparent to all, and + <i>The Sun</i> would suggest a way out of the difficulty. + </p> + <p> + Let the government set apart a portion of the public domain, near some + military post, and enact a law that prize fighting shall be no more + unlawful than polygamy, or stealing from the government. If prize fighters + can have the same immunity from arrest and punishment that polygamists and + defaulters have, it is all they ask, and it seems not unreasonable to ask + it. + </p> + <p> + Certainly a prize fighter in whipping a friend to raise money to support + one wife and one set of children, when the other fellow is willing to take + the chances of being whipped, is not as bad as a praying old cuss who + marries from twenty to forty feeble minded females and raises a flock of + narrow headed children to turn loose after a while, with not much more + brain than goslings. + </p> + <p> + If two men want to go out and enjoy “life, liberty and the pursuit of + happiness,” by mauling each others faces, why should they be pulled, and + let an official who steals half a million dollars from the government, + give a New Year's reception? The thing does not look right to a man who + believes that this is a free country, and that every man is endowed with + certain inalienable rights, among which is the right to pay his debts. + </p> + <p> + Another thing, the government, if it decided to set apart certain ground + for prize fights, might create the office of “referee,” and appoint some + honest, square man, who applied for a consulship and there was no vacancy, + to the position, with a good salary. What prize fighters need is a referee + that can be depended on, and it would be no worse to appoint a government + referee than it would to give breech loading arms and ammunition to + Indians to go on the war-path with. + </p> + <p> + Prize fighting does not do any harm. If one of the principals is killed, + which does not often occur, the government is so much ahead. The + government would furnish the poison if Mormons would kill themselves. Why + not furnish prize fighters an opportunity to climb the golden stairs? The + fact of it is, as a people we oppose prize fighting because it is + “brutal,” and we go to a wrestling match where men hurt themselves twice + as much as they would if they stood up and knocked each other down. We cry + out against prize fights, and yet a majority of the male population would + walk ten miles to see a prize fight when they wouldn't ride a mile to + attend church. + </p> + <p> + We wish men would not fight, but if they want to they should either be + allowed to, or else all other kinds of foolishness should be suppressed. + If every respectable business man in this country could box as well as + Sullivan there would not be as much crime as there is to-day. Suppose all + the men that have been robbed in the past year by cowardly sand baggers, + could have “put up their hands,” and knocked the robbers into the middle + of next week, wouldn't there be fewer headaches and heartaches, fewer + widows mourning their murdered husbands, and fewer orphans? + </p> + <p> + It is against the law to carry weapons, and yet if a man opens a + boxing-school to teach men to defend themselves, and fit them so they can + knock the hind sights off a robber, he is frowned upon. We want to see the + time when every young man has got muscle, and knows how to use it, and + then there will be fewer outrages. If a respectable citizen has a daughter + that is the pride of his heart, he had rather she would go to a theatre or + a party with a man who can protect her with his strong arm than with an + effeminate curiosity that has his brain parted in the middle, and who + would be afraid to meet a dwarf in the dark. + </p> + <p> + We advise every boy who reads <i>The Sun</i> to throw away the revolver he + has bought to carry in his pistol pocket, or sell it to some coward, and + use the money to hire somebody to teach him to box, and to strike a blow + that will make any person sick to his stomach who insults the boy's + sister. Just depend your muscle to get through the world. If the boy's + people are truly good and want him to go to Sunday-school he should do it, + and learn all that is good, but he should want a little exercise with his + hands between meals, and learn the efficacy of two fists, for sometimes + they come handy. + </p> + <p> + We have heard of cases in prayer meetings where deacons got to fighting, + even in this State, and a fellow that could use his fists best stood up + the longest, though a chair was used by the opponent. We know ministers in + Wisconsin who are good boxers, and while they would not teach boxing from + the pulpit, they would not object to see every boy know how. Since the + tramps have been knocking people down in Indianapolis, we have been + anxious to hear that one of them has tackled our old friend, Rev. Myron + Reed; as we know that tramp would go to the hospital dead sure. Boys, + learn to box. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0074" id="link2H_4_0074"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MISDEAL IN A SLEEPING CAR. + </h2> + <p> + There is one thing about sleeping cars that should be changed, and that is + the number of the berth should be on the curtain, so when a man gets up in + the night to go out to the back end of the car and look out into the night + to see if the stars are shining, and he gets through seeing if the stars + are shining, and goes back, he will not get into the wrong berth. + </p> + <p> + Since the other night we have not wondered that on a similar occasion, at + the dead hour of night, as it is reported, the truly good Mr. Beecher, who + left his berth to see the porter, and ask him about how long it would be + before they got there, returned to what he supposed was his own berth, and + sat down on the side of it to remove his trouserloons, and by a scream was + notified that he was in the wrong pew. We attach no blame to Mr. Beecher, + and would defend him to the last breath, because to a man whose mind is + occupied with great thoughts, the berths all look alike. Neither do we + blame Miss Anthony for screaming. She could not know in the imperfect + light that was vouchsafed her in a sleeping car, that it was a mistake. + She had no time to argue; it was a case where immediate decision was + necessary, and she did right to scream—she could not do otherwise. + But when vile men tell us, as they draw down their eyelids and wink, that + it was “a mistake the way the woman kept tavern in Michigan,” they do an + injustice to a noble preacher who has been lied about, and who has better + judgment than to do so knowingly. + </p> + <p> + So we say that anybody is liable to err; but if anybody had told us, when + that woman from Pere Marquette, with a hare lip, and a foot like a fiddle + box, got into the berth next to ours, that in the dead hour of night we + should be sitting down on the selvage of her berth, we should have killed + him. + </p> + <p> + We are more than ever struck by the old adage that the ways of Providence + are inscrutable, and past finding the right berth. We had gone out to the + back part of the car, and stood in our stocking feet on the cold zinc + floor for a couple or three minutes, looking out upon the beautiful + Michigan landscape and waterscape, as the train passed Michigan City, and + had asked the porter if there was any bar on the train, and had returned + up the aisle to find our berth. + </p> + <p> + Pulling aside the curtains we sat down, and were about to throw our hind + leg up into the sheets, when a cold, hard hand, calloused like a horn + spoon, grabbed hold of the small of our back, and two piercing eyes shot + sharp glances at our human frame. + </p> + <p> + One look was enough to show that we had opened the wrong curtains. Every + second we expected that a female scream would split the air wide open, + that the passengers would tumble out of the berths, and that the conductor + would have us arrested for coalition with intent to deceive. It seemed + years that we sat there with that cold hand grasping the situation, and we + would have given half our fortune to have been in the bunk just one remove + towards Canada. + </p> + <p> + All things have an end, and just as we were imagining that the woman with + the hare lip was feeling around with her disengaged hand to draw from its + concealment in her corset, a carving knife, with which to cut a couple of + slices off our liver, a voice said, “Well, what in Kalamazoo are you doing + in this berth, anyway?” + </p> + <p> + The porter came along with a lantern, and we looked at the woman with a + hare lip and a bass voice, and it was not a woman at all, but a Detroit + drummer for a stove house. Finding that we were not a midnight assassin, + nor a woman, the drummer let go of the small of our back, and we got into + our own berth; but it was a narrow escape; the woman with the hare lip was + in the upper berth. We found that out in the morning when she talked + through her nose at the porter about fetching a step ladder for her to + climb down on. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0075" id="link2H_4_0075"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PARALYSIS IN A THEATRE + </h2> + <p> + Inasmuch as there seems to be no other business before the house, we + desire, Mr. Speaker, to arise to a personal explanation. There was + something occurred at the Opera House, the last night that the Rice + Surprise Party played “Revels,” that placed us in a wrong position before + the public. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Gunning, the scene painter, had prided himself that the transformation + scene that he had fixed up for the play was about as nice as could be, and + as we confessed that we had only got an imperfect view of it, the night + before, from one side of the house, he insisted that we take a seat right + in front of the stage, in the parquette, and get a good view of it. + </p> + <p> + There were a good many legs in the show, and we didn't want to sit right + down in front all the evening, so we compromised the matter by agreeing to + sit in the dress circle until it was about time for the transformation + scene, and then, after the giddy girls had all been behind the scenes, we + would go down and take a front seat, right back of the orchestra, and take + in the transformation scene. + </p> + <p> + Well, they had got through with the high kicking, and all gone off, except + one girl, a gipsy, who was going to sing a song, and then a bell would + ring and the whole stage effects would change as if by magic. When she had + got to the end of her song and had waltzed off to the left, we got up and + walked down in front, and took one of a whole row of vacant seats, put on + our spectacles, and were ready. Do you know, every cuss in that audience + saw us go down there? They all thought we had gone there to be nearer the + dizzy tights, and they began to clap their hands and cheer. We think + Chapin, the lawyer, who doesn't like us very well, started it, and every + kid in the gallery took it up, and the house fairly rung with applause at + the sight of our bald head well down in front. We never felt so mean since + we quit stealing sheep. + </p> + <p> + The crowd laughed and hi-hi'd, and the stage manager took the applause for + an <i>encore</i>, and ordered the girl to go out and sing some more. She + knew better, knew they were guying the bald-headed man in front, and all + the troupe knew it, and the girls put their heads out from the wings and + laughed; but the girl came out and sung again. If she didn't wink at us + when she came out, then we don't know what a wink is, and we have been + around some, too. + </p> + <p> + She sang some confounded love song, such as “Darling, Kiss My Eye Winkers + Down,” or “Hold the Fort,” or something, and kept looking at us every + moment, and smiling like a church sociable. The crowd took it all in, too. + Her dress was cut decolette, or low necked at the bottom, and we were + nearer to the angelic choir than a bald headed man of family ever ought to + be, but there was no help for it. She was the only girl in the troupe that + wore black tights, and we thanked our stars for that, but even with all + those mitigating circumstances in our favor the affair had a bad look, and + we admit it. Of course any one would know that we wouldn't go out of our + way to see any black stockings, but it looked as though we had, to the + crowd. + </p> + <p> + We have faced death on many a field of carnage, but we never knew what it + was to want to be away from a place quite so much as then. If you know how + a man feels when he is stricken with paralysis, or a piece of a brick + house, you can imagine something about it. We tried to put on a pious + look, a deaconish sort of expression, like a man who is passing a + collection plate in church, but the blushes on our face did not look + deaconish at all. We tried to look far away, and think of the hereafter, + or the heretofore, but that Gipsy warbling “Darling Eyes of Marine Blue,” + and forty girls in the wings making up faces, and five hundred people back + of us having fun at our expense was too much, and we just wanted to die. + If there had been a trap door to let us down into the beer saloon below, + we would have taken passage on it in a minute. + </p> + <p> + But she finally got through singing, the transformation scene came on, and + we went back to our seat in the dress circle, a changed man, and we never + looked at a person in the audience after that, but when the performance + was over and we came out, and Chapin said, “Hello, old man, guess we got + even with you that time,” we felt like murdering somebody in cold blood + and feathers. Hereafter if anybody ever catches us taking a front seat at + a leg drama, they can take it out of our wages. Mr. Speaker, we have + spoken. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0076" id="link2H_4_0076"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE QUEEREST NAME. + </h2> + <p> + There is a case in Chicago where a young man is going to apply to have his + name changed. The man's name is Easus, and he is now about eighteen years + old, and just beginning to go into society. It is alleged that he was + engaged to be married to an heiress, but she has broken off the engagement + until he can get his name changed. She was not very much mashed on the + name, anyway, and Monday night, as she was with him coming out of + Haverly's Theatre, something happened that broke her all up. + </p> + <p> + The young man's father was a pious man, and he named his son Abijah. His + companion nicknamed him “Bige.” Coming out of the theatre with his + intended on his arm, an old friend, a drummer for a Chicago grocery house, + happened to see him, and he went up to him and said, “Why, Bije Easus, how + are you?” Young Mr. Easus shook hands with his friend, and introduced him + to his girl, and she looked at the profane drummer out of one corner of + her eye and trembled for his soul as she thought how he would be sure to + go to hell when he died. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Easus explained to his friend as they walked out of the building, that + he was engaged to the girl, and when they parted at the platform of the + street car the drummer grabbed her by the hand and shook it as a terrier + would a rat and said, “Well, Mrs. Bije Easus, that is to be, let me wish + you many happy returns.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Easus colored up, the girl was as mad as a wet hen when she pried her + fingers apart, and they rode home in silence. At the gate she said to him, + “Bije Easus, I never till to-night knew what a horrid name I was going to + take upon myself, and I have made up my mind that I cannot go through the + remainder of my natural life in Chicago, being alluded to as a 'little + female Bije Easus.' Mr. Easus, I trust we part friends. If you can come to + me by any other name, you would be sweet, but Bije Easus I will never have + on my calling cards.” The young man has employed a lawyer and will have + his name changed. The girl had a narrow escape, and she may thank the + drummer for calling her attention to it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0077" id="link2H_4_0077"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHURCH KENO. + </h2> + <p> + While the most of our traveling men, our commercial tourists, are nice + Christian gentlemen, there is occasionally one that is as full of the old + Nick as an egg at this time of year is full of malaria. There was one of + them stopped at a country town a few nights ago where there was a church + fair. He is a blonde, good-natured looking, serious talking chap, and + having stopped at that town every month for a dozen years, everybody knows + him. He always chips in towards a collection, a wake or a rooster fight, + and the town swears by him. + </p> + <p> + He attended the fair, and a jolly little sister of the church, a married + lady, took him by the hand and led him through green fields, where the + girls sold him ten cent chances in saw dust dolls, and beside still + waters, where a girl sold him sweetened water with a sour stomach, for + lemonade, from Rebecca's well. The sister finally stood beside him while + the deacon was reading off numbers. They were drawing a quilt, and as the + numbers were drawn all were anxious to know who drew it. Finally, after + several numbers were drawn it was announced by the deacon that number + fifteen drew the quilt, and the little sister turned to the traveling man + and said, “My! that is my number. I have drawn it. What shall I do?” “Hold + up your ticket and shout keno,” said he. + </p> + <p> + The little deaconess did not stop to think that there might be guile + lurking in the traveling man, but being full of joy at drawing the quilt, + and ice cream because the traveling man bought it, she rushed into the + crowd towards the deacon, holding her number, and shouted so they could + hear it all over the house, “<i>Keno!</i>” + </p> + <p> + If a bank had burst in the building there couldn't have been so much + astonishment. The deacon turned pale and looked at the poor little sister + as though she had fallen from grace, and all the church people looked + sadly at her, while the worldly minded people snickered. The little woman + saw that she had got her foot into something, and she blushed and backed + out, and asked the traveling man what keno meant. He said he didn't know + exactly, but he had always seen people, when they won anything at that + game, yell “keno.” She isn't exactly clear yet what keno is, but she says + she has sworn off on taking advice from pious looking traveling men. They + call her “Little Keno” now. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0078" id="link2H_4_0078"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ADVENT PREACHER AND THE BALLOON. + </h2> + <p> + There occasionally occurs an incident in this world that will make a + person laugh though the laughing may border on the sacrilegious. For + instance, there is not a Christian but will smile at the ignorance of the + Advent preacher up in Jackson county who, when he saw the balloon of King, + the balloonist, going through the air, thought it was the second coming of + Christ, and got down on his knees and shouted to King, who was throwing + out a sand bag, while his companion was opening a bottle of export beer, + “O, Jesus, do not pass me by.” + </p> + <p> + And yet it is wrong to laugh at the poor man, who took an advertising + agent for a Chicago clothing store for the Savior, who he supposed was + making his second farewell tour. The minister had been preaching the + second coming of Christ until he looked for Him every minute. He would + have been as apt to think, living as he did in the back woods, that a + fellow riding a bicycle, with his hair and legs parted in the middle, + along the country road, was the object of his search. + </p> + <p> + We should pity the poor man for his ignorance, we who believe that when + Christ <i>does</i> come He will come in the old fashioned way, and not in + a palace car, or straddle of the basket of a balloon. But we can't help + wondering what the Adventist must have thought, when he appealed to his + Savior, as he supposed, and the balloonist shied a sand bag at him and the + other fellow in the basket threw out a beer bottle and asked, “Where in + ——— are we?” + </p> + <p> + The Adventist must have thought that the Savior of mankind was traveling + in mighty queer company, or that He had taken the other fellow along as a + frightful example. And what could the Adventist have thought when he saw a + message thrown out of the balloon, and went with trembling limbs and + beating heart to pick it up, believing that it was a command from on high + to sinners, and found that it was nothing but a hand bill for a Chicago + hand-me-down clothing store. + </p> + <p> + He must have come to the conclusion that the Son o Man had got pretty low + down to take a job of bill posting for a reversible ulster and paper + collar bazar. It must have been food for reflection for the Advent + preacher, as he picked up the empty beer bottle, shied at him from the + chariot that he supposed carried to earth the redeemer of man. He must + have wondered if some-Milwaukee brewer ad not gone to heaven and opened a + brewery. + </p> + <p> + Of course we who are intelligent, and who would know a balloon if we saw + it, would not have had any such thoughts, but we must remember that this + poor Advent preacher thought that the day had come that had been promised + so long, and that Christ was going to make a landing in a strong + Republican county. We may laugh at the Adventist's disappointment that the + balloon did not tie up to a stump and take him on board, but it was a + serious matter to him. + </p> + <p> + He had been waiting for the wagon, full of hope, and when it came, and he + saw the helmet on King's head and thought it was a crown of glory, his + heart beat with joy, and he plead in piteous accents not to be passed by, + and the confounded gas bag went on and landed in a cranberry marsh, and + the poor, foolish, weak, short-sighted man had to get in his work mighty + lively to dodge the sand bags, beer bottles, and rolls of clothing store + posters. + </p> + <p> + The Adventist would have been justified in renouncing his religion and + joining the Democratic party. It is sad, indeed. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0079" id="link2H_4_0079"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE CAUSE OF RHEUMATISM. + </h2> + <p> + One of the most remarkable things in medical science is a discovery + recently made by a Philadelphia physician When so many hundreds of years + pass over without any new discovery being made, and when one <i>is</i> + made, like vaccination, and they are not dead sure whether it amounts to + anything or not, a new discovery that the discoverer will swear by is a + big thing. This Philadelphia doctor has discovered that rheumatism is the + direct result of cold feet. + </p> + <p> + There is no discovery that has ever been made in the human anatomy that + stands to reason any more than this. Many thousands of men are going + around crippled and bent with rheumatism, and suffering untold agonies, + and they have never known what caused their bones to ache. Of course they + knew that their wives had cold feet, but they had no idea that every time + those No. 2 icicles were placed in the small of the back to get warm that + they were sowing the seeds of rheumatism. + </p> + <p> + We presume there is a hundred pounds of male rheumatism to every square + inch of cold female foot, and the Philadelphia doctor should be thanked by + men of rheumatic tendencies as well as by women of arctic pedal + extremities for this timely discovery. There is no woman who enjoys seeing + her husband in the throes of rheumatic pains, and now that they know that + their cold feet have brought about so much suffering, we trust they will + try and lead a different life. + </p> + <p> + Of course we do not expect any woman is going to bed and leave her feet + out on the floor, or under a coal stove. This could not be expected. But + they can adopt some method to soften the rigors of a hard winter. They can + paint their feet a nice warm color or have a summer sunset painted on the + instep, or a fire-place on the bottom of their feet. Anything that will + make their feet seem warm will be a relief to their rheumatic husbands. A + pair of zinc overshoes to wear in bed would help some very cold feet + several degrees. + </p> + <p> + Men are too valuable to be crippled up with rheumatism just for the + temporary comfort they can confer upon their wives by allowing the small + of their backs to be used in lieu of a grate fire. We trust that the cold + footed portion of our female population will look at this matter in its + true light, and if necessary leave their feet in the porter's room at bed + time and get a check for them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0080" id="link2H_4_0080"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HOW A GROCERY MAN WAS MAIMED. + </h2> + <p> + The shooting of the grocery man at Appleton, by the man to whom he + presented a bill, reminds us of the only grocery man we ever maimed for + presenting a bill. His name was Smith, and he lived at La Crosse. We + presume there have been meaner men built than this man Smith was at that + time, though how it could be possible we cannot see. We had run up quite a + bill at his grocery, and were willing to keep trading right along, but + somehow he got wormy, and said that this thing had to stop. + </p> + <p> + We told him we never traded with him because we wanted his goods, but just + to give him the benefit of our society, and we pointed out to him the + injury it would be to his business to have us quit trading at his store. + We told him that people would think that he had cheated us, and they would + not come there any more. He said he knew it would be pretty tough, but he + would try and struggle along under it. + </p> + <p> + Well, there was no use arguing, and finally by helping him do his chores + we got the bill all paid but a dollar and a half, and then he began his + persecutions. He called us a baldheaded old catamaran. He would follow us + into a saloon, when some one treated, and take our glass of beer, and say + he would give us credit on account. He would catch our dog and propose to + cut a piece of his tail off, and give us credit at so much an inch. + </p> + <p> + He would meet us coming out of church, and right before folks he would ask + us to go down to the brewery and play pedro. He would say he would come up + to our house for dinner some time, and everything wicked. One day we + stopped at his store to enjoy his society, and eat crackers and cheese—for + be it known we never took offence at him, in fact we sort of liked the old + cuss—when he told us to take a seat and talk it over. + </p> + <p> + We sat down on a cracker box that had bees wax on it, and after a heated + discussion on finances, found that we had melted about two pounds of wax + on our trousers, and Smith insisted on charging it up to us. This was the + last hair, and when he called us a diabolical, hot-headed guthoogen our + warm southern blood began to boil. We seized a codfish that had been + hanging in front of the store until it had become as hard and sharp as a + cleaver, and we struck him. + </p> + <p> + The sharp edge of the codfish struck him on the second joint of the + forefinger, and cut the finger off as clean as it could have been done + with a razor. + </p> + <p> + He said that settled it, and he gave us a receipt in full, and ever + afterwards we were firm friends. + </p> + <p> + One thing he insists on, even now, and that is in telling people who ask + him how he lost his finger, that he wore it off rubbing out seven-up marks + on a table while playing pedro. + </p> + <p> + He is now trying to lead a different life, being city clerk of La Crosse, + but this article will remind him of old times, and he can remember with + what an air of injured innocence we wiped the blood off that codfish and + hung it up for a sign, and how Smith sold it the next day to Frank Hatch + for a liver pad. No, thank you, we don't drink. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0081" id="link2H_4_0081"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CAMP MEETING IN THE DARK OF THE MOON. + </h2> + <p> + A Dartford man, who has been attending a camp meeting at that place, + inquires of the Brandon <i>Times</i> why it is that camp meetings are + always held when the moon does not shine. The <i>Times</i> man gives it + up, and refers the question to <i>The Sun</i>. We give it up. + </p> + <p> + It does not seem as though managers of camp meetings deliberately consult + the almanac in order to pick out a week for camp meeting in the dark of + the moon, though such meetings are always held when the moon is of no + account. If they do, then there is a reason for it. It is well known that + pickerel bite best in the dark of the moon, and it is barely possible that + sinners “catch on” better at that time. + </p> + <p> + There may be something in the atmosphere, in the dark of the moon, that + makes a camp meeting more enjoyable. Certainly brethren and sisterin' can + mingle as well if not better when there is no glaring moon to molest and + make them afraid, and they can relate their experience as well as though + it was too light. + </p> + <p> + The prayers of the righteous avail as much in the darkness of the closet + as they do in an exposition building, with an electric light, and as long + as sinners will do many things which they ought not to do, and undo many, + things that they never ought to have done, the dark of the moon is + probably the most healthy. + </p> + <p> + People don't want to be sunburnt in the night. It seems to us as though + the work of converting could be done as well in a full moon, but + statistics show that such is not the case, and we are willing to give the + camp meeting attendants the benefit of the doubt. + </p> + <p> + Again, it may be that the moon is to blame. No one would blame the moon, + if it was full, and looked down on an ordinary camp meeting, if it got + sick at the stomach, staggered behind a cloud, turned pale and refused to + come out until the camp meeting was pulled by the police. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0082" id="link2H_4_0082"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ANOTHER VIEW OF THE CASK + </h2> + <p> + A new face has been put on the killing of old Mr. Utley, in Green Lake + county, by his son, since the son has made his statement. At the time the + first news was received we felt inclined to lay it up against young Mr. + Utley, as there is nothing that hurts our feelings worse than to hear that + a boy in the first flush of manhood, when the pin feathers are just + appearing on his upper jaw and when the world is all before him to conquer + and lay at his feet, has deliberately shot six No. 40 calibre bullets into + various places in the person of his venerable father, who has nurtured him + from childhood, stored his mind with useful knowledge, or perchance played + mumblety peg with a shingle across the place where in later years another + father may plant oblong pieces of leather, because of his habit of leaning + his youthful stomach across the gate whereon swings a gentle maiden + belonging to this other father, the while giving her glucose in regard to + a beautiful castle that he will rear with his own hands on a commanding + eminence, surrounded with vines and roses, into the golden portals of + which he will usher her and empty into her lap the precious treasures of + the orient, when the cuss knows that he will never be able to earn more + than twelve shillings a day on a farm the longest day he lives, and that + if she marries him she will have to take in stairs to scrub and cook liver + over an oil stove, and wear the same dress she is married in till it will + stand alone. We say that we are opposed to young men killing their + fathers. It has never seemed right to us. But since the supplemental + returns in this case are all in, and we learn that old Mr. Utley was a + drunken bulldozer who would take the farm horses and go off to town on a + three days' drunk, leaving the young man to do all the work, and come back + complaining because the work was not done, and if the boy attempted to + explain, he would be knocked down with a stick of cord wood, and that on + this occasion he was engaged in trying to dissect young Utley with a + butcher knife, claiming that he was going to hang his hide on the fence, + and cut out his liver and stomach, and other things that Dr. Tanner has + given a furlough, and that the young man shot his father just to keep + peace in the family, and to save his own life, and that there were four + quarts of raw whisky in the old man's panjandrum when he turned up his + toes, we feel like apologizing to the young man and telling him that he + did his country a great service in wiping out his sire, baby mine. When an + old man gets so he can't enjoy himself without filling up with whisky and + cutting slices off the livers of live people, the sooner he climbs the + golden stair the better. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0083" id="link2H_4_0083"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE PIOUS DEACON AND THE WORLDLY COW. + </h2> + <p> + One of those incidents that cause a pious man to damn the whole animal + creation occurred at Janesville last week. A business man that we all + know, got up last Tuesday morning and took a walk down by Monterey, to + view the beauties of nature and get up an appetite for breakfast. He is a + man who weighs close onto 150 pounds, though he is as kitteny as anybody + when occasion calls for kittenishness. + </p> + <p> + Gazing into the crystal waters of Rock River, it occurred to him that he + would take a bath, so he disrobed himself, laid his clothes upon the + ground and plunged in. He had been sporting with the wavelets, and waving + with the sportlets for some minutes, when he heard a bellowing on shore, + and he looked up to see a cow pawing the ground and running her horns into + his clothes. You know how the smell of blood or carrion will cause the + mildest mannered cow to get on her ear and paw the ground and bellow. Not + that there was any blood or carrion there, but the cow acted that way. She + may have got the smell of a Democrat from his clothes. Anyway she made + Monterey howl, and the large man in the water dove down for stones to + throw at the cow. She had run one horn through one leg of his pants, and + the other horn through the broad part, and was engaged in chewing his + shirt, when a rock struck her on the rump and she started off with those + two garments for the blind asylum, where she evidently belonged, shaking + her head to get the pants off her horns, and chewing the shirt as though + it was a bran mash.. + </p> + <p> + The pious man rushed out of the water towards the cow and said “co-boss, + co-boss,” but she took one look at his shape and turned away and didn't + co-boss very much. A war map of the thoughts of this Janesville business + man, as he saw the cow go away, would sell well, if it was illustrated by + a picture of a native Zulu picking buchu leaves. He said he was a pious + man, and had always tried to lead a different life, and do the fair thing, + but hereafter he would be blanked if he wouldn't kill every blanked cow + that he came across. + </p> + <p> + The only things the cow had left were his hat, vest and shoes and + stockings. He put them on and started after the cow. The vest was one of + these grandfather's clock vests, that stop short, never to go again, a + sort of emigrant vest, that comes high. It was not a long, lingering, + emotional vest; it was not what would be called a charitable vest, because + charity begins at home, and covers a multitude of back pay into the + treasury. He tried to remember some of the ten commandments, to repeat, + but the only one he could call to mind was “Pull down Thy Vest.” + </p> + <p> + His eyes swept the horizon to see if anybody was looking, and he could see + that the grounds about the blind asylum were alive with people of both + sexes. He thanked heaven that by the inscrutable ways of Providence, + people were made blind, but his joy at the calamity was mingled with + sorrow when he thought that the teachers at the asylum were endowed with + the most perfect eyesight. + </p> + <p> + As the cow neared the gate of the grounds he made one effort to head her + off, but she run by him, and then he attempted to take his pistol from the + hind pocket of his pants to kill himself, when he realized again that he + was indeed barefooted from his vest to his stockings, and he sat down + under a tree to die of slow starvation, but before he began to starve he + got up again and resumed an upright attitude, on account of ants. It is a + picnic for a nest of ants to partake of a human being who has lost his or + her trousers, as the case may be, and he followed the cow, saying + “co-boss” in the most pitiful accents that were ever used by a Janesville + man. + </p> + <p> + The cow looked around, and as she did so the pants caught on a sapling and + were pulled off her horns and dropped upon the ground. The pious man + looked upon this as a direct interposition of Providence, and he was sorry + he swore. He got into his trousers so quick that it made his head swim, + and just as the crowd at the asylum had come down to the gate to see what + strange looking calf was following the cow home, the man started on a run + for town, leaving the shirt with the cow. + </p> + <p> + The people at the asylum have the shirt, and it has the initials of the + man worked in the neck band, but he will never call for it. One sleeve is + chewed off, and the bosom is rent with conflicting emotions and cow's + teeth. The man sells nails and skimmers with a far off expression, and + don't want cows to run at large any more. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0084" id="link2H_4_0084"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE QUESTION OF CATS. + </h2> + <p> + The New York Humane Society has at last taken action, looking to the + destruction of improper, immoral and friendless cats, and agents are at + work capturing the nocturnal prowlers, and turning them over to the proper + authorities of the society, who cause them to be killed. + </p> + <p> + This action cannot but be favorably commented upon by all loyal citizens, + and as the Milwaukee Humane Society is a branch of the New York society, + it is only reasonable to suppose that it will not be long before our home + society will be engaged in cat extermination. There is a great field here + for such a society, and applause awaits the humane people who have banded + together to put these cats out of their misery. + </p> + <p> + We know there are those who will say that cats are not in misery when they + give vent to those soul-stirring passages from unwritten opera, under the + currant bushes, but we cannot but think that they are in the most crushing + misery which it would be a charity to put them out of, or they would not + chew their words so, and expectorate imaginary tobacco juice, mingled with + hair and profanity. We know that human beings when they are enjoying each + others society do not groan, and scratch, and Samantha around with their + backs up, and their eyes sot, and run up board fences, and it is a safe + inference to draw that these after dark cats are in pain. Of course cats + are not human, though they are endowed with certain human instincts, such + as staying out nights, and following other cats. + </p> + <p> + Sitting on the sharp edge of a board fence for hours, gazing at a + neighboring cat, and occasionally purmowing, may be likened by the student + of nature, to human beings who sit for hours on a cast iron seat in the + park, with arms around each other; but it is far different. We have yet to + hear of instances where quantities of hair have been found on the ground + in the parks, and no young man or young woman, after an evening in the + park, comes to his place of business in the morning, with eyes clawed out, + ears chewed, or so stiff as to be unable to get up from under the stove + without being kicked. Weighing this matter carefully and in an unbiased + manner, we must give the chromo for good conduct, correct deportment, and + good citizenship, to the human beings who frequent the parks at night, + over the cats who picnic under our gooseberry bustes, and play Copenhagen + on our area fences, when those who have brought them up from innocent + kittenhood think they are abed and asleep. + </p> + <p> + So it is plain that the humane society has got work to do. We, as a + people, have got tired of seeing a Thomas cat that never paid any taxes, + get upon a pile of wood, swell his tail up to the size of a rolling pin, + bid defiance to all laws, spit on his hands and say in ribald language to + a Mariar cat, of a modest and retiring disposition, “Lay on, Mac Duff, and + blanked be he who first cries purmeow.” This thing has got to cease. The + humane society will soon be on the track of the enemy. + </p> + <p> + We know that the war is about to commence, because Mr. Holton has resigned + the presidency of the society. But there are bold men in the society that + are not so tender-hearted as Brother Holton, and they will fight this cat + question to the bitter end. + </p> + <p> + We can almost see Mr. Oliver, with his trusty shot gun, going through back + alleys at midnight, his white plume always to be found where cat hair is + the thickest. John Woodhull will meet him, after the enemy is driven over + the fence in disorder, and taken refuge under the shrubbery, and they will + compare notes and cats. Good Mr. Spencer sees the handwriting on the wall, + and his voice will be still for cats. Winfield Smith and Chas. Ray will go + out in the pale moonlight with stuffed clubs and sell cats short, while + Prof. McAllister and Chaplain Gordon, of the Light House, will sing a + solemn requiem for the repose of the alleged souls of the midnight opera + performers on the back fence, and a grateful people will pass resolutions + of thanks that where once all was chaos and cat hair, all will be peace + and good will towards morning. And may grace, mercy, peace and plenty of + cat scalps abide with the bold night riders of the Humane society of + Milwaukee. Scat! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0085" id="link2H_4_0085"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE KNIGHT AND THE BRIDAL CHAMBER. + </h2> + <p> + There was one of those things occurred at a Chicago hotel during the + conclave that is so near a fight and yet so ridiculously laughable that + you don't know whether you are on foot or a horseback. Of course some of + the Knights in attendance were from the back woods, and while they were + well up in all the secret workings of the order, they were awful “new” in + regard to city ways. + </p> + <p> + There was one Sir Knight from the Wisconsin pineries, who had never been + to a large town before, and his freshness was the subject of remark. He + was a large hearted gentleman, and a friend that any person might be proud + to have. But he was fresh. He went to the Palmer House Tuesday night, + after the big ball, tired nearly to death, and registered his name and + called for a bed. + </p> + <p> + The clerk told him that he might have to sleep on a red lounge, in a room + with two other parties, but that was the best that could be done. He said + that was all right, he “had tried to sleep on one of them cots down to + camp, but it nearly broke his back,” and he would be mighty glad to strike + a lounge. The clerk called a bell boy and said, “Show the gentleman to + 253.” + </p> + <p> + The boy took the Knight's keister and went to the elevator, the door + opened and the Knight went in and began to pull off his coat, when he + looked around and saw a woman on the plush upholstered seat of the + elevator, leaning against the wall with her head on her hand. She was + dressed in ball costume, with one of those white Oxford tie dresses, cut + low in the instep, which looked, in the mussed and bedraggled condition in + which she had escaped from the exposition ball, very much to the Knight + like a Knight shirt. The astonished pinery man stopped pulling off his + coat and turned pale. He looked at the woman, and then at the elevator + boy, whom he supposed was the bridegroom, and said: + </p> + <p> + “By gaul, they told me I would have to sleep with a couple of other folks, + but I had no idea that I should strike a wedding party in a cussed little + bridal chamber not bigger than a hen coop. But there ain't nothing mean + about me, only I swear it's pretty cramped quarters, ain't it, miss?” and + he sat down on one end of the seat and put the toe of one boot against the + calf of his leg, took hold of the heel with the other hand and began to + pull it off. + </p> + <p> + “Sir!” says the lady, as she opened her eyes and began to take in the + situation, and she jumped up and glared at the Knight as though she would + eat him. + </p> + <p> + He stopped pulling on the boot heel, looked up at the woman, as she threw + a loose shawl over her low neck shoulders, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Now don't take on. The bookkeeper told me I could sleep on the lounge, + but you can have it, and I will turn in on the floor. I ain't no hog. + Sometimes they think we are a little rough up in Wausau, but we always + give the best places to the wimmen, and don't you forget it,” and he began + tugging on the boot again. + </p> + <p> + By this time the elevator had reached the next floor, and as the door + opened the woman shot out of the door, and the elevator boy asked the + Knight what floor he wanted to go to. He said he “didn't want to go to no + floor,” unless that woman wanted the lounge, but if she was huffy, and + didn't want to stay there, he was going to sleep on the lounge, and he + began to unbutton his vest. + </p> + <p> + Just then a dozen ladies and gentlemen got into the elevator from the + parlor floor, and they all looked at the Knight in astonishment. Five of + the ladies sat down on the plush seat, and he looked around at them, + picked up his boots and keister and started for the door, saying: + </p> + <p> + “O, say, this is too allfired much. I could get along well enough with one + woman and a man, but when they palm off twelve grown persons onto a + granger, in a sweat box like this, I had rather go to camp,” and he strode + out, to be met by a policeman and the manager of the house and two clerks, + who had been called by the lady who got out first and who said there was a + drunken man in the elevator. They found that he was sober, and all that + ailed him was that he had not been salted, and explanations followed and + he was sent to his room by the stairs. + </p> + <p> + The next day some of the Knights heard the story, and it cost the Wausau + man several dollars to foot the bill at the bar, and they say he is + treating yet. Such accidents will happen in these large towns. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0086" id="link2H_4_0086"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE HOUSE GIRL RACE. + </h2> + <p> + The Minneapolis fair has been for some months advertising a race of twenty + miles between a California and a Minnesota girl, on horseback, and on + Wednesday it occurred. The girls were splendid horsewomen, but they had to + change horses each mile, and the horses were strangers to the girls, and + excited, and the crowd of 30,000 was excited, and the girls were kicked, + trampled on and jammed into saddles by main strength, and away the horses + would go, the crowd howling, the horses flying and the poor girls sighing + and holding on with their teeth and toe nails, expecting every moment to + be thrown off and galloped over by the horses and the crowd. + </p> + <p> + The pandemonium was kept up until the seventh round, when the saddle of + Miss Jewett, the Minnesota girl, slipped, and she was thrown to the ground + on the back stretch, and the crowd clamored for the master of ceremonies + to send her another horse, while the California girl whooped it up around + the track. They had to send a stretcher for the girl, and she was brought + to the judge's stand as near a cold corpse as could be, her pale face + showing through the dirt, and her limber form telling its own story. + </p> + <p> + Then people that had been enjoying the “fun” looked at each other as much + as to say, “We are the biggest fools outside of congress, to enjoy + coldblooded murder, and call it fun.” The girl will live, though some of + her bones are warped. This whole subject of lady horseback riding is + wrong. The same foolish side saddles are used that were used before the + flood, with no improvement since Eve used to ride to town after the doctor + when Adam had the rheumatiz. + </p> + <p> + Women can ride as well as men, if they are given a show, but to place them + on a horse with both legs on one side of the animal, so they have to allow + for the same weight of other portions of the body on the other side to + balance them, is awkward and dangerous, and it is a wonder that more do + not fall off and squash themselves, A well built woman is as able to ride + as a man. Her legs are strong enough to keep her on a horse—we say + legs understandingly, because that is the right name for them—if she + can have one on each side, but to shut one leg up like a jack-knife and + hang it up on a pommel, and get a check for it, and forget that she has + got a leg, and to let the other one hang down listlessly beside the horse, + the heel of the foot pounding him in the sixth rib, is all nonsense, and + those two legs, that ought to be the main support of the rider, are of no + more use than two base ball clubs would be hung to the saddle. For all the + good legs do on a side saddle they might as well be taken off and left at + home. + </p> + <p> + Of course they are handy to have along if a lady wants to dismount, out in + the woods, and pick flowers, or climb a tree after a squirrel, but the + minute she gets in the saddle her legs are not worth the powder to blow + them up. And talk about exercise and developing muscle, walking a mile is + better than riding all summer. + </p> + <p> + In walking, the legs and all the muscles of the body are brought into + action, and the blood courses through the veins, and a girl looks like a + thoroughbred, but in horseback riding the legs lay dormant, get to sleep + and have to be waked up when the owner dismounts, and all the exercise is + got by portions of the human frame that never has seemed to us as though + there was absolute need of greater development. + </p> + <p> + It is true that horseback riding makes the cheeks-red. Well, blood that + wouldn't rush to the head after being churned that way wouldn't be worth + having. It has to go somewhere. It can't go to the legs, because they are + paralyzed, being curled up like a tailor, mending trousers. Horseback + exercise for ladies, on a side saddle, is a delusion and a snare, and does + not amount to a row of pins, and it never will be worth a cent until women + can ride like men. Then the lower limbs—now it is <i>limbs</i>—will + be developed and health will be the result, and there will be no danger of + a saddle turning and a helpless woman being dragged to her death. + </p> + <p> + There is nothing indelicate about riding on both sides of a horse, if they + once get used to it. But they have got to get over this superstition that + to ride on horseback a woman must put her limbs up in curl papers. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0087" id="link2H_4_0087"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE TROUBLE MR. STOREY HAS. + </h2> + <p> + A dispatch from Chicago says that Wilbur F. Storey, of the <i>Times</i>, + is in a bad state, and that he gets around by leaning on his young wife + with one hand and a cane with the other, that he believes his latter end + is approaching, and that he is giving liberally to churches and has quit + abusing ministers, and is trying to lead a different life. + </p> + <p> + We should have no objections to Mr. Storey's going to heaven. However much + he might try to revolutionize things there, and run the place, there will + be enough of us there to hold the balance of power and prevent him from + doing any particular damage. Besides, we do not believe he is responsible + for the cussedness of his newspaper. It is the wicked young men he keeps. + The four that we know, Wilkie, Snowdon, Seymour and Doc Hinman, are enough + to make the truly good Mr. Storey have night sweats. They never refuse + when you ask them up, and they are full of guile. + </p> + <p> + Storey got fooled the worst on Snowdon. Snow-don is a graduate of a nice + Christian college at Ripon, a beautiful blonde young man with the most + resigned and pious countenance we ever saw, one that seems to draw people + to him. His heart is tender and he weeps at the recital of suffering. A + stranger, to look at his face in repose, would say that he was an + evangelist and the pillar of some church, and that he associated only with + the truly good, but he plays the almightiest game of draw poker of any man + in Chicago. + </p> + <p> + The boys say that when Storey engaged Snowdon, after the fire, he got him + to attend to the Sunday school department, and to keep track of the church + sociables and to report the noon prayer meetings, but that while he was + giving him instructions in the duties that he would be expected to + perform, Storey suggested that as the evening was well advanced that they + play a game of “old maid,” an innocent game played with cards. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Snowdon hesitated at first, said it was something he never allowed + himself to do, to touch a card, as he had promised his old professor, Mr. + Merrill, of Ripon college, that he never would do anything that would + bring reproach upon his <i>almira mater</i>, but seeing it was Storey he + would play one game, just for luck. Well, you know how it is. One word + brought on another, they drifted, by easy stages, into draw poker, and + before Snowdon left he had won two hundred and eighty dollars and, an + oroide watch chain of Storey. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Storey told his wife the next morning that he never was so deceived in + a pious looking young person in his life. “Why,” said he, as he was + thumbing over the Bible to read a chapter before morning prayers, “the tow + headed cuss would draw to a pair of deuces and get an ace full. Let us + unite in prayer.” + </p> + <p> + However, he was not going to see any other paper secure Snowdon's talent, + so he gave him a box stall up in the top of the <i>Times</i> building, and + any day, after 3 o'clock in the afternoon, you can go there and borrow a + couple of dollars of him, if you are in Chicago hard up. + </p> + <p> + The <i>Sun</i> hopes Mr. Storey may live as long as he can make it pay, + and when he dies that he may go to the celestial regions, but he must not + go and build any temporary seats and charge a dollar a head for us fellows + from the country to see the procession go by. We can stand those things + here on earth, but when we get over there we must have a square deal, or + jump the game. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0088" id="link2H_4_0088"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TRAGEDY ON THE STAGE. + </h2> + <p> + The tendency of the stage is to present practical, everyday affairs in + plays, and those are the most successful which are the most natural. The + shoeing of a horse on the stage in a play attracts the attention of the + audience wonderfully, and draws well. The inner workings of a brewery, or + a mill, is a big card, but there is hardly enough tragedy about it. If + they could run a man or two through the wheel, and have them cut up into + hash, or have them crowned in a beer vat? audiences could applaud as they + do when eight or nine persons are stabbed, poisoned or beheaded in the + Hamlets and Three Richards, where corpses are piled up on top of each + other. + </p> + <p> + What the people want is a compromise between old tragedy and new comedy. + Now, if some manager could have a love play, where the heroine goes into a + slaughter house to talk love to the butcher, instead of a blacksmith shop + or a brewery, it would take. A scene could be set for a slaughter house, + with all the paraphernalia for killing cattle, and supe butchers to stand + around the star butcher with cleavers and knives. + </p> + <p> + The star butcher could sit on a barrel of pigs' feet, or a pile of heads + and horns, and soliloquize over his unrequited love, as he sharpened a + butcher knife on his boot. The hour for slaughtering having arrived, + cattle could be driven upon the stage, the star could knock down a steer + and cut its throat, and hang it up by the hind legs and skin it, with the + audience looking on breathlessly. + </p> + <p> + As he was about to cut open the body of the dead animal, the orchestra + could suddenly break the stillness, and the heroine could waltz out from + behind a lot of dried meat hanging up at one side, dressed in a lavender + satin princess dress, <i>en train</i>, with a white reception hat with + ostrich feathers, and, wading through the Blood of the steer on the + carpet, shout, “Stay your hand, Reginald!” + </p> + <p> + The star butcher could stop, wipe his knife on his apron, motion to the + supe butchers to leave, and he would take three strides through the blood + and hair, to the side of the heroine, take her by the wrist with his + bloody hand, and shout, “What wiltest thou, Mary Anderson de Montmorence?” + Then they could sit down on a box of intestines and liver and things and + talk it over, and the curtain could go down with the heroine swooning in + the arms of the butcher. + </p> + <p> + Seven years could elapse between that act and the next, and a scene could + be laid in a boarding house, and some of the same beef could be on the + table, and all that. Of course we do not desire to go into details. We are + no play writer, but we know what takes. People have got tired of imitation + blood on the stage. They kick on seeing a man killed in one act, and come + out as good as new in the next. Any good play writer can take the cue from + this article and give the country a play that will take the biscuit. + </p> + <p> + Imagine John McCullough, or Barrett, instead of killing Roman supes with + night gowns on, and bare legs, killing a Texas steer. There's where you + would get the worth of your money. It would make them show the metal + within them, and they would have to dance around to keep from getting a + horn in their trousers. It does not require any pluck to go out behind the + scenes with a sword and kill enough supes for a mess. Give us some + slaughter house tragedy, right away. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0089" id="link2H_4_0089"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE MISTAKE ABOUT IT. + </h2> + <p> + There is nothing that is more touching than the gallantry of men, total + strangers, to a lady who has met with an accident. Any man who has a heart + in him, who sees a lady whose apparel has become disarranged in such a + manner that she cannot see it, will, though she be a total stranger, tell + her of her misfortune, so she can fix up and not be stared at. But + sometimes these efforts to do a kindly action are not appreciated, and men + get fooled. + </p> + <p> + This was illustrated at Watertown last week. People have no doubt noticed + that one of the late fashions among women is to wear at the bottom of the + dress a strip of red, which goes clear around. To the initiated it looks + real nice, but a man who is not posted in the fashions would swear that + the woman's petticoat was dropping off, and if she was not notified, and + allowed to fix it, she would soon be in a terrible fix on the street. + </p> + <p> + It was a week ago Monday that a lady from Oshkosh was at Watertown on a + visit, and she wore a black silk dress with a red strip on the bottom. As + she walked across the bridge Mr. Calvin Cheeney, a gentleman whose heart + is in the right place, saw what he supposed would soon be a terrible + accident, which would tend to embarrass the lady, so he stepped up to her + in the politest manner possible, took off his hat and said: + </p> + <p> + “Excuse me, madame, but I think your wearing apparel is becoming + disarranged. You might step right into Clark's, here, and fix it,” and he + pointed to the bottom of her dress. + </p> + <p> + She gave him a look which froze his blood, and shaking her dress out she + went on. He said it was the last time he would ever try to help a woman in + distress. + </p> + <p> + She sailed along down to a grocery store and stopped to look at some + grapes, when the practiced eye of Hon. Peter Brook saw that something was + wrong. To think is to act with Peter, and he at once said: + </p> + <p> + “Miss, your petticoat seems to be dropping off. You can go in the store + and get behind that box of codfish and fix it if you want to.” + </p> + <p> + Now that was a kind thing for Peter to do, and an act that any gentleman + might be proud of, but he was amazed at her when she told him to mind his + own business, and she would attend to her own petticoat, and she marched + off just a trifle mad. + </p> + <p> + She went into the postoffice to mail a postal card, just as Mr. Moak, the + postmaster, came out of his private office with Hon. L. B. Caswell, the + congressman. Mr. Moak, without the aid of his glasses, saw that there was + liable to be trouble, so he asked Caswell to excuse him a moment, and + turning to the delivery window where she was asking the clerk what time + the mail came in, he said: + </p> + <p> + “I beg a thousand pardons, madame. It ill becomes a stranger to speak to + one so fair without an introduction, but I believe that I am not violating + the civil service rules laid down by Mr. Hayes for the guidance of + postmasters when I tell you, lady, that something has broke loose and that + the red garment that you fain would hide from the gaze of the world has + asserted itself and appears to the naked eye about two chains and three + links below your dress. I am going abroad, to visit Joe Lindon, the + independent candidate for sheriff, and you can step into the back office + and take a reef in it.” + </p> + <p> + He did not see the look of fire in her eyes as he went out, because he was + not looking at her eye. She passed out, and Doc Spaulding, who has got a + heart in him as big as a box car, saw it, and touching his broad brimmed + felt hat he said, in a whisper: + </p> + <p> + “Madame, you better drop into a millinery store and fasten up your—” + </p> + <p> + But she passed him on a run, and was just going into a hardware store, + with her hand on her pistol pocket, when Jule Keyes happened along. Now, + Jule would consider himself a horse thief if he should allow a woman to go + along the street with anything the matter with her clothes, and he not + warn her of the consequences, so he stopped and told her that she must + excuse him, a perfect stranger, for mentioning her petticoat, but the fact + was that it was coming off. + </p> + <p> + By this time the woman was mad. She bought a pistol and started for the + depot, firmly resolved to kill the first man that molested her. She did + not meet anybody until she arrived at the Junction, and she sat down in + the depot to rest before the train came. + </p> + <p> + Pierce, the hotel man, is one of the most noticin' persons anywhere, and + she hadn't been seated a York minute before his eye caught the discrepancy + in her apparel. He tried to get the telegraph operator and the express man + to go and tell her about it, but they wouldn't, so he went and took a seat + near her. + </p> + <p> + “It is a warm day, madame,” said Pierce, looking at the red strip at the + bottom of her dress. + </p> + <p> + She drew her pistol, cocked it, and pointed it at Pierce, who was + trembling in every leg, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Look-a-here, you young cuss. I have had half a dozen grown persons down + town tell me my petticoat was coming off, and I have stood it because I + thought they were old enough to know what they were talking about, but + when it comes to boys of your age coming around thinking they know all + about women's clothes it is too much, and the shooting is going to + commence.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Pierce made one bound and reached the door, and then got behind a + white grey hound and waited for her to go away, which she soon did. As she + was stepping on the car the conductor, Jake Sazerowski, said to her: + </p> + <p> + “Your apparel, madame, seems to be demoralized,” but she rushed into the + car, and was seen no more. + </p> + <p> + Since then these gentlemen have all learned that the fashion calls for a + red strip at the bottom of a dress, and they will make no more mistakes. + But they were all serious enough, and their interference was prompted by + pure kindness of heart, and not from any wicked thoughts. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0090" id="link2H_4_0090"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE MAN FROM DUBUQUE. + </h2> + <p> + Last week, a young man from the country west of here came in on the + evening train and walked up to Grand avenue, with a fresh looking young + woman hanging on to one handle of a satchel while he held the other. They + turned into the Plankinton House, and with a wild light in his eye the man + went to the book and registered his name and that of the lady with him. + </p> + <p> + While the clerk was picking out a couple of rooms that were near together, + the man looked around at the colored man who had the satchel, and as the + clerk said, “Show the gentleman to No. 65 and the lady to 67,” he said, + “Hold on, 'squire! One room will do.” + </p> + <p> + On being shown to the room, the bridegroom came right out with the bell + boy and appeared at the office. Picking out a benevolent looking + gentleman, with a good place to raise hair on his head, who was behind the + counter, the groom said: + </p> + <p> + “Say, can a man enjoy religion in this house?” + </p> + <p> + Mr. White said a man could if he brought it with him. They had none on + hand to issue out to guests, but they never interfered with those who had + it when they arrived. + </p> + <p> + “Why,” says the manager of the house, “has anybody interfered with your + devotions here?” + </p> + <p> + “No, not here,” said the man, wiping his fore-head with a red + handkerchief. “But they have at Dubuque. I'll tell you how it was. I was + married a couple of days ago, and night before last I put up at a Dubuque + hotel. My wife never had been married before, any at all, and she is + timid, and thinks everybody is watching us, and making fun of us. + </p> + <p> + “She jumps at the slightest sound. Well, we went to our room in the + afternoon, and she began to cry, and said if she wasn't married she never + would be the longest day she lived. I sort of put my arm around her, and + was just telling her that everybody had to get married, when there was a + knock on the door, and she jumped more than thirty feet. “You see that + finger. Well, a pin in her belt stuck clear through, and came near making + me faint away. I held my finger in my mouth, and telling her the house was + not on fire, I went to the door and there was a porter there who wanted to + know if I wanted any more coal on the fire. I drove him away, and sat down + in a big rocking chair with my wife in my lap, and was stroking her hair + and telling her that if she would forgive me for marrying I never would do + so again, and trying to make her feel more at home, when there came + another knock at the door, and she jumped clear across the room and + knocked over a water pitcher. + </p> + <p> + “This seal ring on my finger caught in her frizzes and I'll be cussed if + the whole top of her head didn't come off. I was a little flurried and + went to the door, and a chambermaid was there with an armful of towels and + she handed me a couple and went off. My wife came into camp again, and + began to cry and accuse me of pulling her hair, when I went up to her and + put my arm around her waist, and was just going to kiss her, just as any + man would be justified in kissing his wife under the circumstances, when + she screamed murder and fell against the bureau. + </p> + <p> + “I looked around and the door had opened, and there was a colored man + coming into the room with a kerosene lamp, and he chuckled and said he + begged my pardon. Now, I am a man that don't let my temper get away with + me, but as it was three hours before dark I didn't see what was the use of + a lamp, and I told him to get out of there. Before 6 o'clock that evening + there had been twenty raps at the door, and we got sick. My wife said she + would not stay in that house for a million dollars. So we started for + Milwaukee. + </p> + <p> + “I tried to get a little sleep on the cars, but every little while a + conductor would wake me up and roll me over in the seat to look at my + ticket, and brake-men would run against my legs in the aisle of the car, + and shout the names of stations till I was sorry I ever left home. Now, I + want to have rest and quietude. Can I have it here?” + </p> + <p> + The manager told him to go to his room, and if he wanted any coal or ice + water to ring for it, and if anybody knocked at his door without being + sent for, to begin shooting bullets through the door. That settled it, and + when the parties returned to Iowa they said this country was a mighty + sight different from Dubuque. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0091" id="link2H_4_0091"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GIDDY GIRLS QUARREL. + </h2> + <p> + A dispatch from Brooklyn states that at the conclusion of a performance at + the theatre, Fanny Davenport's wardrobe was attached by Anna Dickinson and + the remark is made that Fanny will contest the matter. Well, we should + think she would. What girl would sit down silently and allow another to + attach her wardrobe without contesting? It is no light thing for an + actress to have her wardrobe attached after the theatre is out. Of course + Fanny could throw something over her, a piece of scenery, or a curtain, + and go to her hotel, but how would she look? Miss Davenport always looked + well with her wardrobe on, but it may have been all in the wardrobe. + Without a wardrobe she may look very plain and unattractive. + </p> + <p> + Anna Dickinson has done very wrong. She has struck Fanny in a vital part. + An actress with a wardrobe is one of the noblest works of nature. She is + the next thing to an honest man, which is the noblest work, though we do + not say it boastingly. We say she is next to an honest man, with a + wardrobe, but if she has no wardrobe it is not right. + </p> + <p> + However, we will change the subject before it gets too deep for us. + </p> + <p> + Now, the question is, what is Anna Dickinson going to do with Fanny's + wardrobe? She may think Fanny's talent goes with it, but if she will + carefully search the pockets she will find that Fanny retains her talent, + and has probably hid it under a bushel, or an umbrella; or something, + before this time. Anna cannot wear Fanny's wardrobe to play on the stage, + because she is not bigger than a banana, while Fanny is nearly six feet + long, from tip to tip. If Anna should come out on a stage with the + Davenport wardrobe, the boys would throw rolls of cotton batting at her. + </p> + <p> + Fanny's dress, accustomed to so much talent, would have to be stuffed full + of stuff. There would be room in Fanny's dress, if Anna had it on, as we + remember the two, to put in a feather bed, eleven rolls of cotton batting, + twelve pounds of bird seed, four rubber air cushions, two dozen towels, + two brass bird cages, a bundle of old papers, a sack of bran and a bale of + hay. That is, in different places. Of course all this truck wouldn't go in + the dress in any one given locality. If Anna should put on Fanny's dress, + and have it filled up so it would look any way decent, and attempt to go + to Canada, she would be arrested for smuggling. + </p> + <p> + Why, if Dickinson should put on a pair of Davenport's stockings, now for + instance, it would be necessary to get out a search warrant to find her. + She could pin the tops of them at her throat with a brooch, and her whole + frame would not fill one stocking half as well as they have been filled + before being attached, and Anna would look like a Santa Claus present of a + crying doll, hung on to a mantel piece. + </p> + <p> + Fanny Davenport is one of the handsomest and splendidest formed women on + the American stage, and a perfect lady, while Dickinson, who succeeds to + her old clothes through the law, is small, not handsome, and a quarrelsome + female who thinks she has a mission. The people of this country had rather + see Fanny Davenport without any wardrobe to speak of than to see Dickinson + with clothes enough to start a second hand store. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0092" id="link2H_4_0092"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DON'T LEAVE YOUR GUM AROUND. + </h2> + <p> + A woman at Wyocena, who chews gum, laid her “quid” on a green paper box, + and when she came to chew it again was poisoned and it was with difficulty + her life was saved. This reminds us of an accident that happened to Mary + Anderson when she was here last. Mary will remember that in the second + scene of “Ingomar,” just when Parthenia was winding herself around the + heart of the barbarian, she looked pale, and whenever she would try to say + sweet words to him, she acted as though she was on a lake excursion. + </p> + <p> + During some of the love passages we remember a far away look in her eyes, + as though she was searching for the unfathomable, or looking for a + friendly railing to lean over, and when her bosom heaved with emotion she + acted as though she expected to hear from down country, and doubted + whether her boots would remain on her feet or throw up their situation. + Those who sat in the left box will remember that when she threw her head + on Ingomar's shoulder, that she spit cotton over towards the back of the + stage, and acted like the little girl that had been eating tomatoes. + </p> + <p> + Ingomar seemed to notice that something was the matter, and he kept his + face as far from Parthenia as the rules of polite society would admit, and + the theory that she had been eating onions, which was advanced by a + bald-headed man in the dress circle, found many believers. However, that + was not the case, as we found by inquiring of a gentlemanly supe. It is + well known that Miss Anderson is addicted to the gum chewing habit, and + that when she goes upon the stage she sticks her chew of gum on an old + castle painted on the scenery. + </p> + <p> + There was a wicked young man playing a minor part in the play, who had + been treated scornfully by Mary, as he thought, and he had been heard to + say he would make her sick. He did. He took her chew of gum and spread it + out so it was as thin as paper, then placed a chew of tobacco inside, + neatly wrapped it up, and stuck it back on the old castle. Mary came off, + when the curtain went down, and going up to the castle she bit like a + bass. Putting the gum, which she had no idea was loaded, into her mouth, + she mashed it between her ivories and rolled it as a sweet morsel under + her tongue. It is said by those who happened to be behind the scenes, that + when the tobacco began to get in its work there was the worst + transformation scene that ever appeared on the stage. The air, one supe + said, seemed to be full of fine cut tobacco and spruce gum, and Mary stood + there and leaned against a painted rock, a picture of homesickness. + </p> + <p> + She was pale about the gills, and trembled like ap aspen leaf shaken by + the wind. She was calm as a summer's morning, and while concealment, like + a worm in an apple, gnawed at her stomach, and tore her corset strings, + she did not upbraid the wretch who had smuggled the vile pill into her + countenance. All she said, as she turned her pale face to the painted ivy + on the rock, and grasped a painted mantel piece with her left hand, as her + right hand rested on her heaving stomach, was, “I die by the hand of an + assassin.” And the soft scenic moon rose up slowly, and calmly she looked + down from the flies, and Mary was saved. Women can't be too careful where + they put their gum. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0093" id="link2H_4_0093"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE WAY TO NAME CHILDREN. + </h2> + <p> + The names of Indians are sometimes so peculiar that people are made to + wonder how the red men became possessed of them. That of “Sitting Bull,” + “Crazy Horse,” “Man Afraid of his Horses,” “Red Cloud,” etc., cause a good + deal of thought to those who do not know how the names are given. The fact + of the matter is that after a child of the forest is born the medicine man + goes to the door and looks out and the first object that attracts his + attention is made use of to name the child. When the mother of that great + warrior gave birth to her child the medicine man looked out and saw a bull + seated on its haunches; hence the name “Sitting Bull.” It is an evidence + of our superior civilization that we name children on a different plan, + taking the name of some eminent man or woman, some uncle or aunt to fasten + on to the unsuspecting stranger. Suppose that the custom that is in vogue + among the Indians should be in use among us, we would have, instead of + “George Washington” and “Hanner Jane,” and such beautiful names, some of + the worst jaw-breakers that ever was. Suppose the attending physician + should go the door after a child was born and name it after the first + object he saw. We might have some future statesman named “Red Headed + Servant Girl with a Rubber Bag of Hot Water” or “Bald-headed Husband + Walking Up and Down the Alley with His Hands in His Pockets swearing this + thing shall never Happen Again.” If the doctor happened to go the door + when the grocery delivery wagon was there he would name the child “Boy + from Dixon's Grocery with a Codfish by the Tail and a Bag of Oatmeal,” or + if the ice man was the first object the doctor saw some beautiful girl + might go down to history with the name, “Pirate with a Lump of Ice About + as Big as a Solitaire Diamond.” Or suppose it was about election time, and + the doctor should look out, he might name a child that had a right to grow + up a minister, “Candidate for office so Full of Bug Juice that His Back + Teeth are Afloat;” or suppose he should look out and see a woman crossing + a muddy street, he might name a child “Woman with a Sealskin Cloak and a + Hole in Her Stocking going Down Town to Buy a Red Hat.” It wouldn't do at + all to name children the way Indians do, because the doctors would have + the whole business in their hands, and the directories are big enough now. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0094" id="link2H_4_0094"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ABOUT RAILROAD CONDUCTORS. + </h2> + <p> + About the time the Wisconsin Central conductors were being hauled over the + coals, some paper did a very unjust thing by insinuating that there was + about to be a general overhauling on the old established roads, and + carried the idea that there was crookedness among conductors who have been + trusted employees for more years than the reporters of the papers making + the insinuations have lived. + </p> + <p> + This is entirely wrong. It is well enough to joke conductors about + “dividing with the company,” and all that, and the conductors take such + jokes all right, and laugh about them, but when a serious charge is made + by a newspaper it is no joking matter. + </p> + <p> + Men who have held responsible positions for fifteen years under managers + who are the sharpest men in this country, are not apt to be crooked, and + we notice that when there is a chance they are promoted, and if they leave + the railroad it is always to enter into a better business, and they are + honored everywhere. + </p> + <p> + We hold that no man can occupy a position on one of our great railroads + for ten years if he is crooked. It would not pay a conductor to steal, if + he had the desire. They are all men of families, well connected, and many + of them have children grown up. Would they do an act that would bring + disgrace not only upon themselves but their relatives, wives, children, + and forever debar them from society for a paltry few dollars that they + could bilk a railroad company out of? The idea is preposterous, and an + insult to their intelligence. + </p> + <p> + As well say that the bookkeepers of our business houses, the managers of + our manufactories, were systematically stealing from employers. The + conductors have got sense. This talk about stealing is disgusting. You + send your wives and children off on a train liable to meet with accident. + The first thing you do if you are acquainted with the road is to find out + what conductor is going to run the train. If it is one you know, you feel + just as secure as though the wife and children were under the escort of + your brother. + </p> + <p> + You know that if anything happens the first thought of the conductor is + the safety of the women and children, at the expense of his own safety. + And when your loved ones come home safe, and you meet them at the train, + and the conductor stands upon the platform as the train backs into the + depot, looking at nobody, but his eye fixed upon the chances of accident, + you always feel as though you wanted to put your arm around him and say, + “Bully for you, old boy.” + </p> + <p> + If your wife gets out of money on a journey the conductor goes down into + his <i>own</i> pocket, and not into the railroad company's, and tells her + not to worry, as he hands her what money she wants. If your child is taken + sick on the journey, who but the conductor sees to sending a dispatch to + you quicker than lightning, and who brings a pillow in from the sleeper + and makes the little one as comfortable as he would his own little one at + home? + </p> + <p> + You appreciate these things at the time, but some day you will say, “How + can a man drive a fast horse on eighty dollars a month?” Then you think + you are smart. We will tell you. The conductors are pretty sharp business + men. They can't travel all the time, and come in contact with all the + world, and not be sharp. They see chances to make money outside of their + business. + </p> + <p> + For instance, one of them who is a good judge sees a horse at some + interior town that he knows is worth three times as much in Milwaukee or + Chicago as the owner asks for it. He would be a fool if he did not buy it. + We have known a conductor to make more money on two horse trades than his + salary would amount to for three months. Would you object to his doing it? + He did not neglect the business the company paid him to perform. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes a conductor feels in his inmost heart that the indications are + that wheat is going up. Is it any worse for him to take a deal in wheat + than it is for the deacon in his church? If he makes five hundred dollars + on the deal, and puts an addition on his house, is it the square thing for + you to say he stole it out of the company? Their knowledge of railroads + and business frequently gives them an idea that stocks are liable to go up + or down, and often they invest with good results. + </p> + <p> + We will take the chances with conductors, as square men, by the side of + any business men, and it makes us as mad as a wet hen to hear people talk + about their stealing. As well say that because one bank cashier steals + that they are all robbing the banks. Quit this, now. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0095" id="link2H_4_0095"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A HOT BOX AT A PICNIC. + </h2> + <p> + An Oshkosh young man started for a picnic in a buggy with two girls, and + when they got half way they got a hot box to the hind wheel of the buggy, + and they remained there all the afternoon pouring water on the wheel, + missing the picnic. There is nothing that will cause a hot box in a buggy + so quick as going to a picnic with girls. Particularly is this the case + when one has two girls. No young man should ever take two girls to a + picnic. He may think one cannot have too much of a good thing, and that he + holds over the most of the boys who have only one girl, but before the + picnic is over he will note the look of satisfaction on the faces of the + other boys as they stray off in the vernal shade, and he will look around + at his two girls as though his stomach was overloaded. We don't care how + attractive the girls are, or how enterprising a boy he is, or how + expansive or far-reaching a mind he has, he cannot do justice to the + subject if he has two girls. There will be a certain clashing of interests + that no young boy in his goslinghood, as most boys are when they take two + girls to a picnic, has the diplomacy to prevent. Now, this may seem a + trifling thing to write about and for a great pious paper to publish, but + there is more at the bottom of it than is generally believed. If we start + the youth of the land out right in the first place they will be all right, + but if they start out by taking two girls to a picnic their whole lives + are liable to become acidulated, and they will grow up hating themselves. + If a young man is good-natured and tries to do the fair thing, and a + picnic is got up, the rest of the boys are liable to play it on him. There + is always some old back number of a girl who has no fellow, who wants to + go, and the boys, after they all get girls and buggies engaged, will + canvass among themselves to see who shall take this extra girl, and it + always falls to the good-natured young man. He says of course there is + room for three in the buggy. Sometimes he thinks may be this old girl can + be utilized to drive the horse, and then he can converse with his own + sweet girl, with both hands, but in such a moment as ye think not he finds + out that the extra girl is afraid of horses, dare not drive, and really + requires some holding to keep her nerves quiet. The young man begins to + realize by this time that life is one great disappointment. He tries to + drive with one hand hand, and consoles his good girl, who is a little + cross at the turn affairs have taken, with the other, but it is a failure, + and finally his good girl says she will drive, and then he has to put an + arm around them both, which will give more or less dissatisfaction, the + best way you can fix it. If we had a boy that didn't seem to have any more + sense than to make a hat rack of himself to hang girls on in a buggy we + should labor with him and tell him of the agonies we had experienced in + youth, when the boys palmed off two girls on us to take to a country + picnic, and we believe we can do no greater favor to the young men who are + just entering the picnic of life than to impress upon them the importance + of doing one thing at a time, and doing it well. Start right at first, and + life will be one continued picnic buggy ride, but if your mind is divided + in youth you will always be looking for hot boxes and annoyance. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0096" id="link2H_4_0096"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BROKE UP A PRAYER MEETING. + </h2> + <p> + A few months ago the spectacle presented itself of a very respectable lady + of the Seventh Ward, wearing a black eye. There never was a case of + ante-election that was any more perfect than the one this lady carried. + </p> + <p> + We have seen millions of black eyes in our time, some of which were + observed in a mirror, but we never saw one that suggested a row any + plainer than the one the Seventh Ward lady wore. It was cut biased, that + being the latest style of black eye, and was fluted with purple and orange + shade, and trimmed with the same. Probably we never should have known + about the black eye had not the lady asked, as she held her hand over one + eye, if there was any truth in the story that a raw oyster would cure a + black eye. She came to us as an expert. When we told her that a piece of + beefsteak was worth two oysters she uncovered the eye. + </p> + <p> + It looked as though painted by one of the old masters. + </p> + <p> + Rather than have anybody think she had been having a row she explained how + it happened. She was sitting with her husband and little girl in the + parlor, and while the two were reading, the little one disappeared. The + mother went to the girl's room, on tip-toe, to see if she was asleep. She + found the girl with all her dolls on the floor, having a doll's prayer + meeting. She had them all down on their knees, and would let them pray one + at a time, then sing. One of the dolls that squeaked when pressed on the + stomach was leader of the singing, and the little girl bossed the job. + There was one old maid doll that the little girl seemed to be disgusted + with because the doll talked too much, and she would say: + </p> + <p> + “There, Miss, you sit down and let some of the other sisters get in a word + edgeways. Sister Perkins, won't you relate your experience?” + </p> + <p> + After listening to this for a few moments the mother heard the girl say: + </p> + <p> + “Now, Polly, you pass the collection plate, and nobody must put in + lozengers, and then we will all go to the dancing school.” + </p> + <p> + The whole thing was so ridiculous that the mother attempted to rush down + stairs three at a time, to have her husband come up to prayer meeting, + when she stubbed herself on a stair rod, and—well, she got the black + eye on the journey down stairs, though what hit her she will probably + never know. But she said when she began to roll down stairs she felt in + her innermost soul as though she had broke up that prayer meeting + prematurely. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0097" id="link2H_4_0097"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SHOOTING ON SUNDAY, WITH THE MOUTH. + </h2> + <p> + There is nothing in the world that is so beautiful as to see a sporting + man, one who loves to shoot the wild prairie chicken and chase the + bounding duck over the plains, have a respect for the Sabbath day. There + are too many of our sporting friends who, if they are out for a week's + shooting, forget that they should lay away the deadly breech loader on + Sunday, after oiling it, and busy themselves reading good books, or + loading cartridges. + </p> + <p> + However, we are proud to number among our acquaintances one sporting + gentleman who would sooner cut a dog in two than to hunt on Sunday. It is + related of him that on one occasion while in camp in a deer country, that + his hounds got after a buck one Sunday morning, and that our friend was so + incensed at the dogs that he seized his gun and shot one of the dogs dead, + besides wounding the deer, and that he had to follow the deer over four + miles before he could overtake the animal and put it out of its misery. + </p> + <p> + A wicked companion said that he shot at the deer and killed the dog + accidentally, but those who know Mr. Van Brunt would not believe the story + for a moment. Not long since this gentleman left his home at Horicon and + went to Owatonna, Minn., for a few weeks' hunt. He hunted a good deal in + town, and became somewhat acquainted with the fair sex as well as the + chickens and other ducks of the prairies. However, Sunday came, and while + the other wretches went out snooting on Sunday, our friend hied himself to + the Sabbath school. His presence was observed by a teacher, and he, by the + way, observed <i>her</i> presence, and being a stranger and a pious + looking man, she invited him to help her teach her class. He accepted, and + seated beside the fair teacher, he chipped in an occasional remark to the + class, while he looked into the soulful, pious eyes of the handsome + teacher. She introduced him to the superintendent as a pious young man + from Wisconsin, and the superintendent invited him to address the school. + </p> + <p> + It was new business to our friend, but he said he never had anything sawed + off onto him unless he stood it like a man, so he got up, with the girl's + eyes on him, and told the children the beautiful story of the cross, and + how Samson went up in a chariot of fire, and Adam was found in the + bullrushes by a Sunday school teacher, while he was shooting blue wing + teal, and how Noah and Sat Clark built an ark and coasted around Uoricon + lake and landed on Iron Ridge and sent out a canvas-back duck to see if + there was any living thing this side of Schleisingerville, and how the + duck came back with a sprig of wild celery in its bill which it had found + at Lake Koshkonong. + </p> + <p> + He told how the locusts came down on the democratic party and lected + Garfield, and counseled the children to be good and they would have a soft + thing. He said evil communications corrupted two of a kind, and they could + not be too careful with their pennies, and advised them to give up the + soul destroying habit of buying taffy, and try and lead a different life, + and put their money into the missionary box, where the wicked cease from + troubling, and give us a rest. + </p> + <p> + He would have gone on all the afternoon, only the superintendent of the + Sunday school told the children that the exercises would close with + “Little Drops of Water,” and our friend sat down and wiped the + perspiration from his brow. + </p> + <p> + The teacher said that his words had opened new beauties to her in the + Scriptures, though he was a little off on some of his statistics. He told + her, by way of apology, that she couldn't expect much religion from a man + that came from so strong a democratic county as Dodge county. This may be + all a lie, but if it is, we got it from one of the best liars of the + State. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0098" id="link2H_4_0098"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A WASHINGTON SURPRISE PARTY. + </h2> + <p> + When Mr. and Mrs. Hayes returned to Washington from the far west their + Ohio friends got up a surprise party for them. They had just retired for + the night, rather early on account of fatigue, when the door bell rung + violently. Mr. Hayes put on his pants, and throwing one suspender over his + shoulder and holding on to it with his hands, he went to the door and + asked who was there. On being answered that John Sherman was there, Mr. + Hayes supposed there was something important, and he opened the door. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Sherman came in with a market basket of sandwiches, followed by about + a hundred ladies and gentlemen, loaded down with articles usually taken to + surprise parties. Mr. Hayes was taken entirely by surprise, and as he + buttoned his trousers and tucked in his night shirt behind he said he + hoped they would excuse him for a moment till he went up stairs and put on + a collar and some stockings, and called Mrs. Hayes, who was in bed. + </p> + <p> + Matt Carpenter said never mind; he would call Mrs. Hayes, and he gave a + hop, skip and jump and went up stairs three at a time, followed by Mr. + Hayes, who was shivering from the contact of his bare feet with the oil + cloth in the hall. + </p> + <p> + “What is the trouble, Rutherford?” said Mrs. Hayes, as Mr. Carpenter + rushed into the room. + </p> + <p> + “Get up and dress yourself, you are surrounded, and escape is impossible.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Hayes screamed as she saw the bold buccaneer, pulled the bed clothes + over her head and said, “We are lost.” + </p> + <p> + At this point Hayes, who had got on a pair of woolen stockings, and was + buttoning on a paper collar, said: “I say, Matt, of course this is all + right, and I don't want you to be offended, but won't you just step out + into the hall so Mrs. Hayes can get her clothes on.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, to be sure,” said Matt, as he got up out of a rocking chair, on + which there were three skirts, a red petticoat, an emancipation corset, + and a pair of striped stockings with long suspenders arranged to button on + the waist, “of course I will go out, but you need not mind me. I am near + sighted.” + </p> + <p> + Matt went down stairs with the crowd, and when he was gone Mrs. Hayes got + her head out from under the clothes and wanted to know what the trouble + was, and if they could not fly. + </p> + <p> + Hayes told her not to be alarmed, as it was only one of those d—d + surprise parties. He said there were two hundred hungry people down + stairs, with baskets of sandwiches and pickles, and the chances were that + they would eat up everything there was in the house, and mash crumbs and + cold tongue into the carpet. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Hayes got up and sent Rutherford into the linen closet after a clean + white skirt, and he returned with a night gown and had to be sent back. + While she was taking her hair down out of the curl papers, and putting + bandoline over her ears, she gave Mr. Hayes her opinion of surprise + parties. She said that little shrimp, Alexander Stephens, would sit on the + piano keys, and knock his boot heels against the piano case, and that Dave + Davis would fall over the music rack, and sit down in her best rocking + chair and break it. + </p> + <p> + Just then she touched her nose with a curling iron that she had heated in + a gas jet, and screamed and woke Mr. Hayes up, and he wanted to know what + was the matter. She rolled over in bed, felt of her nose to see if it was + there, and told Mr. Hayes she had been dreaming there was a surprise party + came to the house. + </p> + <p> + He said: “My dear, I trust there is no such fate in store for us. You are + nervous. Try a little of that crab apple cider, and lay on your face, and + see if you can't go to sleep.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0099" id="link2H_4_0099"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DIFFERENCE IN CLOTHES. + </h2> + <p> + There is something about the practice of “practical joking” that is mighty + pleasant and enjoyable, if the joke is on somebody else. It was about six + years ago that we quit practical joking, and the reason was that the boys + played one on us that fairly broke our back. We had always been full of + it, and an opportunity to play a joke on a friend was a picnic for us, but + this time we had all the tuck taken out and fairly unraveled. + </p> + <p> + A party consisting of Hogan, Hatch, Root, Wood and Webb had been down from + La Crosse to the marshes shooting ducks for a week. We had prepared to + break camp and take the train to Brownsville at 2 o'clock, from which we + took a little steamer for La Crosse. + </p> + <p> + We were out shooting and did not get to camp until everything was packed + up, and just had time to catch the train with our hunting clothes on. The + rest of the fellows had been in camp an hour, and had put on their good + clothes, and washed up and looked like gentlemen, as they were, while we + looked like a tramp, which we were not. All got on the little steamboat, + and hugged around the boiler with the other passengers, for it was a cold + night. + </p> + <p> + We felt a little ashamed of the old hunting clothes that had been worn so + many years, and were covered with blood and dirt, but there was no chance + to change, and we sat down with the boys. Finally Root, who was the + biggest hector in the world, and a fine looking gentleman, turned to the + captain of the boat and said, pointing to us: + </p> + <p> + “I wish, captain, you would ask this red-headed muskrat trapper to sit on + the other side of me. He smells bad.” + </p> + <p> + If lightning had struck us we could not have been more astonished. The + passengers all looked at the dirty looking “muskrat trapper,” and stuck up + their noses. The captain asked us in a polite manner if we would not + please move and get on the “lee side” of the passengers. He said he didn't + mean any offence, but the smell of muskrats oftentimes made people sick. + </p> + <p> + Well, it was a pretty tight fix, but we forced a laugh and looked around + at the rest of the boys in a familiar way, and began talking to them. Not + a man of them would recognize us. The captain turned to Hogan and said, + “Is this a friend of yours?” Hogan put on a look of disgust, and said he + had never seen us before. “However,” says Jim, “he may be a very deserving + person of his class.” + </p> + <p> + The captain said we had better go to the other end of the boiler and lay + down with the dogs where it was warm. We tried to pass it off as a joke, + and turned to Hatch and tried to get into conversation with him about a + goose he had killed the day before, but he wouldn't have it. He said we + could get the smell out of our clothes by burying them, and then he went + on to tell how he shot a skunk once, and spoiled a suit of clothes. + </p> + <p> + We spoke to Colonel Wood, one of our party, as a last resort, and all he + said was to draw in his breath with a “Whoosh,” and put his handkerchief + to his nose. We never felt so mean in the world. The whole gang had + combined against us, and we got up to leave them, meditating revenge, when + Walt Webb said, “Let's throw the cuss overboard.” We went and laid down on + the valises, and tried to think of some way to get even with the boys, + when Root told the captain that they had got some valuables in those + valises, and they didn't want any tramp laying down on them, and he came + along and actually drove us off of our own valise. 4 + </p> + <p> + To make the matter still worse, a homely looking Norwegian dog that we had + borrowed to take on the hunt, and which was the worst looking brute that + ever was, and which had been the laughing stock of the camp for a week, at + this point came up to us, wagged his tail and followed us, and the boys + said, “Look at the dog the muskrat trapper owns.” That was the worst give + away. + </p> + <p> + We walked around on deck, and would occasionally stop and speak to one of + the boys, hoping they had given us enough and would relent, but all the + way to La Crosse not one of them would speak to us, and when the boat + arrived at the landing Root handed us a quarter, in the presence of the + passengers, and asked if we wouldn't help Mike Doyle, the cook, carry the + baggage ashore. + </p> + <p> + It was the worst joke we ever had perpetrated on us, and even after we got + ashore, and Hatch said, “Come, old sorrel top, let's go and get a glass of + beer,” we could hardly smile. Since then when we go hunting we wear the + best clothes we have got. + </p> + <p> + For years afterwards when fellows were joking, some of the party would ask + us “if the trapping was good this season.” We got so we could not look a + myskrat in the face. So we say that practical joking is splendid if it is + on the other fellow. Always quit when they get it on to you. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0100" id="link2H_4_0100"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A TEMPERANCE LECTURE THAT HURT. + </h2> + <p> + There was probably the most astonished temperance man up above Stevens + Point the other day that ever was. The name of the temperance man is + Sutherland. + </p> + <p> + He is a nice gentleman, but, like many another man, he can never see a + person with his keg full of bug juice without giving him a talking to. + </p> + <p> + The other day Sutherland was driving along the road when he overtook an + Indian who asked for a ride. He was allowed to get in the wagon, when + Sutherland discovered that the Indian had a breath that would stop a + temperance clock. He smelled like a sidewalk in front of a wholesale + liquor store. The Indian was comfortably full, so full that his back teeth + were floating. + </p> + <p> + Sutherland thought it was a good time to get in his work, so he began + talking to the Indian about the wickedness of looking upon the whisky when + it was bay, and when it giveth its color in the nose. He told the Indian + of the wrecked homes, the poverty, the disgrace and death that followed + the use of liquor, and wound up by pleading with him to give up his cups + and join the angel band and shout hosannas in a temperance lodge. The + Indian did not understand a word that Suthland was saying, but supposing + by the looks of his nose and pleading eyes that he wanted a drink, the + Indian drew a large black bottle from under his blanket and handed it to + Sutherland, remarking: “Ugh! Dam firewater.” + </p> + <p> + Sutherland thought that he had made a convert, and telling the Indian that + he was glad he had resolved to lead a different life, took the bottle and + dashed it upon the ground, smashing it into a thousand pieces. + </p> + <p> + Well, the air seemed full of Indians. If Sutherland had torn out the + Indian's heart he could not have hurt the red man worse. + </p> + <p> + With a war whoop the Indian jumped on the seat, took Sutherland by the + hair and yanked him out on the ground. Sutherland yelled and the Indian + galloped over him. The team ran away, and the Indian mauled Sutherland. He + cut open his face, italicised his nose, put a roof over his eye and felt + for his knife to stab him. + </p> + <p> + Sutherland got away and run to Stevens Point, where his wounds were bound + up. He says if any gentleman wants to take the job of reforming Indians he + will give up his situation. He meant well, but lacked judgment. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + An item in the La Crosse <i>Chronicle</i> says: “Two cats and a dog were + killed at the high school yesterday for inspection by the class in + physiology.” + </p> + <p> + In preparing the youth of the land for a business career there is nothing + that tends more to ripen the mind and to prepare it for overcoming the + obstacles that will naturally be found in after life than to learn to cut + a dog in two. + </p> + <p> + The ignorance of some of the business men of the present day is largely to + be attributed to the fact that the instructors of the youth in the olden + time never taught them how to carve a dog. How many times have we been in + positions since arriving at man's estate, when poring over some great + problem of science, where we would have given ten years of the front end + of our life if we knew how to make both ends meat, even if it was dog + meat? + </p> + <p> + The knowledge that the students of the present day obtain in their study + of the dog will be valuable to them if ever they are caught in a melon + patch, and a dog fastens his teeth into their garments. They will know how + to go to work scientifically to unhinge the jaws of a dog, instead of + pulling one way, while the dog pulls the other, until the cloth or the + skin tears out. + </p> + <p> + It will be a great thing to know all about how a dog is put together. And + if these students are taught how to kill cats they will more than get + their money back when they grow up. + </p> + <p> + Ignorant people who have never had the advantages of studying the cat when + it is dead, attempt to kill them with boot-jacks and empty ale bottles and + tomato cans, but the next generation will know how to do it + scientifically, and not hurt the cat. + </p> + <p> + This is certainly an age of improvement, and the <i>Sun</i> desires that + school children shall know all about the anatomy of the festive dog and + the nocturnal cat, if they don't even know how to spell their own names. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0101" id="link2H_4_0101"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BRAVERY OF MRS. GARFIELD + </h2> + <p> + The newspaper correspondents about the White House, echoing the remarks + made by the doctors, are continually talking of Mrs. Garfield's bravery, + and we frequently see the statement made that she is “the bravest woman in + the world,” and all that. While expressing great admiration for the gifted + lady, in the trying ordeal through which she has passed, and admitting + that she is brave as an American woman ought to be, and that by her + conduct she greatly braced up her beloved husband when his liver was + knocked around into the small of his back by the assassin's bullet, and he + didn't know whether he was going to live till morning, we must say that + Mrs. Garfield is no braver than thousands of other good women. + </p> + <p> + She simply took the chances on his dying, as thousands of other wives do + every day, and for his good she put on the best face possible, and kept + her tears back. But how many obscure women have done the same thing, as + they sat by the side of their dying husbands, and made the patient believe + that he was getting better, and smiled while their hearts were breaking? + Was Mrs. Garfield braver than the sister of charity, God bless her, who + goes from the North to nurse total strangers in a stricken southern city, + when she knows that within a week the deadly fever will kill her? + </p> + <p> + Compare the President's wife for a moment with the wife of a drunken + husband, who points a revolver at her heart, and his nervous finger on the + trigger, while he announces that he will kill her. The wife looks him in + the eye and says, “Kill me, John, but kiss me first,” and the drunken + brute breaks down and cries, and she takes the revolver from him, puts him + to bed, soaks his feet and brings him a good supper. That is bravery. + </p> + <p> + Think of a frail little woman whose life has been one bed of thorns, and + whose happy hours have been so few that if an hour seems to open to her + with happiness she dare not enjoy it for fear there is a mistake, and it + is not hers to enjoy. In the wreck of her life's ambitions and hopes she + has saved only a dear little girl and her heart is so bound up in her that + it ceases to beat when she thinks that God may forget that the little one + is all she has, and call her home. + </p> + <p> + One day the little one comes home with fever, takes to her bed, and for + weeks is just on the line between earth and heaven. The little mother, + hardly able to be upon her feet, believes as firmly as she believes that + she lives, that her darling will die, and that two hearts will be buried + in the coffin, and yet she watches beside her night and day with smiles on + her face, sings to her as though her heart were filled with happiness, and + occasionally gives expression to a jolly laugh, just to brace up her + little darling, and make her believe there is no danger, and when the + doctor says “she will live,” the brave little mother goes to her room and + cries for the first time, and faints away. + </p> + <p> + Ah, gentlemen correspondents, you do well to speak of the bravery of the + President's wife, but you know that these incidents we have related, and + incidents you have seen in your own experiences, show as great, if not + greater bravery and heroism than that of the first woman of the land. O, + the country is full of women who are braver than the bravest man that ever + walked. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0102" id="link2H_4_0102"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ILLUSTRATING THE ASSASSINATION. + </h2> + <p> + It is singular how a great calamity like the attempted assassination of + the President will bring people together on terms of familiarity, and + cause them to discuss things that they never knew anything about before. + People who never thought of such things before, except during the cucumber + season, have become familiar with their livers and internal improvements, + and talk as glibly of the abdomen, the umbilicus—as well as the cuss + who shot him—the peritonitis, the colon, the ilium, the diaphragm, + the alacumbumbletop and the diaphaneous cholagogue as though they had been + attending a Chicago meat cutting match at a students' dissecting room. Men + talk of little else, and this is noticeable more particularly among men + who have nothing to do. + </p> + <p> + There were two old men who loaf a good deal around a grocery, discussing + the wound of the President, and one was trying to illustrate to the other + how it was. He put on his glasses and took up a butter tryer and walked up + to a lady customer who was leaning over the counter smelling of some + boarding-house prunes. She was a large lady, and perhaps as good a subject + as could have been found. The first old man called the other up behind the + woman, and said: + </p> + <p> + “There, the assassin stood about as you do, and looked, probably, the same + as you do. Now, you take this spigot and point to the woman, about here—” + and he put the butter tryer on her back, near the belt. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I see,” said the second old man, as he nibbled a piece off a soda + cracker, and pointed the wooden spigot at the woman, with his finger on + the trigger. The woman was busy looking to see if there were any worms in + the prunes, and she didn't notice what was going on. + </p> + <p> + “There,” said the first old man, as he pushed the end of the butter tryer + a little harder against the woman. “The bullet went in here, and went + around here close to the liver, though probably it didn't touch the liver, + passed through the thin membrane, and is probably lodged in here,” and he + reached around the woman with his left hand to where her apron was tied + on. “Now, if they cannot extract the ball the great danger is from + peritonitis—” + </p> + <p> + At this point the woman observed what was going on, and she was about as + mad as a woman can be. Seizing a codfish that was on the head of a sugar + barrel by the tail she whacked the first old gent, who held the butter + tryer, over the head, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Peritonitis is beginning to set in, you bald-headed old villain, and + general prostration will be the result. I will teach you to put your arm + around me. I am no manikin. Do you take me for a dissecting room? Put down + that gun, you idiot,” said she, as she wafted the codfish toward the + second old man, who still held up the spigot. + </p> + <p> + The grocery man, who was cutting a cheese, came around the counter with + the cheese knife in his hand, and said he hoped there would be no more + bloodshed, and asked the old man to put down the butter tryer and go out. + The two old men went out on the sidewalk, when the woman told the grocery + man that no woman was safe a moment when those old reprobates were allowed + to run at large, and when she got so low down as to allow people to + practice assassination on her with wooden faucets and butter tryers she + would join a circus. When the two old men got out on the walk the second + one said to the first: + </p> + <p> + “Didn't you know the woman?” + </p> + <p> + “Know her? No. I didn't think it was necessary for a formal introduction + in a trying time like this, when we all want all the information we can + get about the great tragedy. There is no accommodation about some people. + But she has gone out now, so let us carry back the spigot and butter + tryer, and may be the grocery man will treat to the cider.” + </p> + <p> + And the two old setters went in and sat down on the barrels and talked + about how they had known people along in 1837 to be shot all to pieces and + recover. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0103" id="link2H_4_0103"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE INFIDEL AND HIS SILVER MINE. + </h2> + <p> + It is announced in the papers that Colonel Ingersoll, the dollar a ticket + infidel, has struck it rich in a silver mine, and is now worth a million + dollars. Here is another evidence of the goodness of God. Ingersoll has + treated God with the greatest contempt, called Him all the names he could + think of, called Him a liar, a heartless wretch, and stood on a stump and + dared God to knock a chip off his shoulder, and instead of God's letting + him have one below the belt and knocking seven kinds of cold victuals out + of him, God gives him a pointer on a silver mine, and the infidel rakes in + a cool million, and laughs in his sleeve, while thousands of poor workers + in the vineyard are depending for a livelihood on collections that pan out + more gun wads and brass pants buttons to the ton of ore than they do + silver. This may be all right, and we hope it is, and we don't want to + give any advice on anybody else's business, but it would please Christians + a good deal better to see that bold man taken by the slack of the pants + and lifted into a poor house, while the silver he has had fall to him was + distributed among the charitable societies, mission schools and churches, + so a minister could get his salary and buy a new pair of trousers to + replace those that he has worn the knees out of kneeling down on the rough + floor to pray. + </p> + <p> + It is mighty poor consolation to the ladies of a church society, to give + sociables, ice creameries, strawberry festivals and all kinds of things to + raise money to buy a carpet for a church or lecture room, and wash their + own dishes, and then hear that some infidel who is around the country + calling God a pirate and a horse thief, at a dollar a head, to full + houses, has miraculously struck a million dollar silver mine. + </p> + <p> + To the toiling minister who prays without ceasing, and eats codfish and + buys clothes at a second hand store, it looks pretty rough to see Bob + Inger-soll steered onto a million dollar silver mine. But it may be all + right, and we presume it is. Maybe God has got the hook in Bob's mouth, + and is letting him play around the way a fisherman does a black bass, and + when he thinks he is running the whole business, and flops around and + scares the other fish, it is possible Bob may be reeled in, and he will + find himself on the bottom of the boat with a finger and thumb in his + gills and a big boot on his paunch, and he will be compelled to disgorge + the hook and the bait and all, and he will lay there and try to flop out + of the boat, and wonder what kind of a game this is that is being played + on him. + </p> + <p> + Everything turns out right some time, and from what we have heard of God, + off and on, we don't believe He is going to let no ordinary man, bald + headed and apoplectic, carry off all the persimmons, and put his fingers + to his nose and dare the ruler of the universe to tread on the tail of his + coat. + </p> + <p> + Bob Ingersoll has got the bulge on all the Christians now, and draws more + water than anybody, but He who notes the sparrow's fall has no doubt got + an eye on the fat rascal, and some day will close two or three fingers + around Bob's throat, when his eyes will stick out so you can hang your hat + on them, and he will blat like a calf and get down on his knees and say: + </p> + <p> + “Please, Mr. God, don't choke so, and I will give it all back and go + around and tell the boys that I am the almightiest liar that ever charged + a dollar a head to listen to the escaping wind from a blown up bladder. O, + good God, don't hurt so. My neck is all chafed.” + </p> + <p> + And then he will die, and God will continue business at the old stand. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0104" id="link2H_4_0104"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GREAT MONOPOLIES. + </h2> + <p> + There is an association of old fossils at New York calling themselves the + “Anti-Monopoly League,” that has taken the job on their hands of saving + the country from eternal and everlasting ruin at the hands of the gigantic + monopolies, the railroads, and this league, through its President, L. E. + Chittenden, is sending editorials and extracts from speeches delivered by + great men who have been refused passes, or who have not been retained by + railroads to conduct law suits as much as they think they ought to be, to + newspapers all over the country requesting their publication. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Sun</i> gets its regular share of these documents each week, which + go into the waste basket with a regularity that is truly remarkable, + considering that we are not a railroad monopoly. But there is something so + ridiculous about these articles that one cannot help laughing. They claim + that the country is in the grasp of the gigantic monopolies, and that they + will choke the country to death and ruin everybody, though what the object + can be in running the country and everybody in it, is not stated. + </p> + <p> + These monopolies have taken the country when it was as weak as gruel, and + hoisted it by the slack of the pants to the leading position among + nations. The monopolies have built their track all over God's creation, + where land could not be given away, have hauled emigrants out there and + set them up in business, and made the waste land of the government + valuable. They have made transportation so cheap that the emigrant from + Germany of last year can send wheat from Dakota to the Fatherland, and + Bismarck and King William can get it cheaper than they can wheat grown + within a mile of their castles. + </p> + <p> + These monopolies that the played out nine-spot anti-monopoly leagues are + howling against have made the country what it is, and if there is anybody + in this country that don't like it, they can get emigrant tickets and go + to Germany or Norway and take the places of the men that the monopolies + are causing to settle here. Of course we could all run railroads better + than the owners run them, but as long as we have not got money enough to + buy them we better shut up our yap and let Jay Gould and his fellows do + what they please with their own, as long as they permit the country to + prosper as it is prospering now. The anti-monopoly leaguers had better go + to driving street cars. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0105" id="link2H_4_0105"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ANOTHER DEAD FAILURE. + </h2> + <p> + Again we are called upon to apologize to our readers for advertising what + we had reason to expect would occur at the time advertised, but which + failed to show up. We allude to the end of the world which was to have + taken place last Sunday. + </p> + <p> + It is with humility that we confess that we were again misled into + believing that the long postponed event would take place, and with others + we got our things together that we intended to take along, only to be + compelled to unpack them Monday morning. + </p> + <p> + Now this thing is played out, and the next time any party advertises that + the world will come to an end, we shall take no stock in it. And then it + will be just our luck to have the thing come to an end, when we are not + prepared. There is the worst sort of mismanagement about this business + somewhere, and we are not sure but it is best to allow God to go ahead and + attend to the closing up of earthly affairs, and give these fellows that + figure out the end of all things with a slate and pencil the grand bounce. + </p> + <p> + It is a dead loss to this country of millions of dollars every time there + is a prediction that the world will come to an end, because there are lots + of men who quit business weeks beforehand and do not try to earn a living, + but go lunching around. We lost over fifteen dollars' worth of advertising + last week from people who thought if the thing was going up the flue on + Sunday there was no use of advertising any more, and we refused twenty + dollars' worth more because we thought if that was the last paper we were + going to get out we might as well knock off work Friday and Saturday and + go and catch a string of perch. The people have been fooled about this + thing enough, and the first man that comes around with any more + predictions ought to be arrested. + </p> + <p> + People have got enough to worry about, paying taxes, and buying + strawberries and sugar, to can, without feeling that if they get a tax + receipt the money will be a dead loss, or if they put up a cellar full of + canned fruit the world will tip over on it and break every jar and bust + every tin can. + </p> + <p> + Hereafter we propose to go right along as though the world was going to + stay right side up, have our hair cut, and try and behave, and then if old + mother earth shoots off into space without any warning we will take our + chances with the rest in catching on to the corner of some passing star + and throw our leg over and get acquainted with the people there, and maybe + start a funny paper and split the star wide open. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0106" id="link2H_4_0106"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + OUR BLUE-COATED DOG POISONERS. + </h2> + <p> + “Papa, the cruel policeman has murdered little Gip! He sneaked up and + frowed a nice piece of meat to Gip, and Gip he eated it, and fanked the + policeman with his tail, and runned after him and teased for more, but the + policeman fought Gip had enough, and then Gip stopped and looked sorry he + had eaten it, and pretty soon he laid down and died, and the policeman + laughed and went off feeling good. If Dan Sheehan was the policeman any + more he wouldn't poison my dog, would he, pa?” + </p> + <p> + The above was the greeting the bald-headed <i>Sun</i> man received on + Thursday, and a pair of four-year-old brown eyes were full enough of tears + to break the heart of a policeman of many years' standing, and the little, + crushed master of the dead King Charles spaniel went to sleep sobbing and + believing that policemen were the greatest blot upon the civilization of + the nineteenth century. + </p> + <p> + Here was a little fellow that had from the day he first stood on his feet + after the scarlet fever had left him alive, been allowing his heart to + become entwined with love for that poor little dog. For nearly a year the + dog had been ready to play with the child when everybody else was tired + out, and never once had the dog been cross or backed out of a romp, and + the laughter and the barking has many a time been the only sound of + happiness in the neighborhood. + </p> + <p> + If the boy slept too long after dinner, the dog went and rooted around him + as much as to say, “Look a here, Mr. Roy, you can't play this on your + partner any longer. You get up here and we will have a high old time, and + don't you forget it.” And pretty soon the sound of baby feet and dog's toe + nails would be heard on the stairs, and the circus would commence. + </p> + <p> + If the dog slept too long of an afternoon, the boy would hunt him out, + take hold of his tail with one hand, and an ear with the other, and lug + him into the parlor, saying, “Gip, too much sleep is what is ruining the + dogs in this country. Now, brace up and play horse with me.” And then + there was fun. + </p> + <p> + Well, it is all over; but while we write there is a little fellow sleeping + on a tear-stained pillow, dreaming, perhaps, of a heaven where the woods + are full of King Charles' spaniel dogs, and a doorkeeper stands with a + club to keep out policemen. And still we cannot blame policemen—it + is the law that is to blame—the wise men who go to the legislature, + and make months with one day too much, pass laws that a dog shall be + muzzled and wear a brass check, or he is liable to go mad. Statistics show + that not one dog in a million ever goes mad, and that they are more liable + to go mad in winter than in summer; but several hundred years ago somebody + said that summer was “dog days,” and the law-makers of this enlightened + nineteenth century still insist on a wire muzzle at a season of the year + when a dog wants air and water, and wants his tongue out. + </p> + <p> + So we compel our guardians of the peace to go around assassinating dogs. + Men, who as citizens, would cut their hands off before they would injure a + neighbor's property, or speak harsh to his dog, when they hire out to the + city must stifle all feelings of humanity, and descend to the level of + Paris scavengers. We compel them to do this. If they would get on their + ears and say to the city of Milwaukee, “We will guard your city, and + protect you from insult, and die for you if it becomes necessary; but we + will see you in hades before we will go around assassinating dogs,” we as + a people, would think more of them, and perhaps build them a decent + station house to rest in. + </p> + <p> + The dog law is as foolish as the anti-treating law, and if it were not + enforced, no harm would be done. Our legislators have to pass about so + many laws anyway, and we should use our judgment about enforcing them. + </p> + <p> + But the dog is dead, and the little man meditates a terrible revenge. He + is going to have a goat that can whip a policeman, he says; then there + will be fun around the parsonage. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0107" id="link2H_4_0107"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AND HE ROSE UP AND SPAKE. + </h2> + <p> + As a general thing railroad men are “pretty fly,” as the saying is, and + not very apt to be scared. But a case occurred up on the La Crosse + division of the St. Paul road last week that caused a good deal of hair to + stand. + </p> + <p> + The train from St. Paul east runs to La Crosse, where all hands are + changed, and the new gang run to Chicago. On the trip of which we speak + there was placed in the baggage car at St. Paul a coffin, and at Lake City + a parrot in a cage was put in. Before the train got to Winona other + baggage was piled on top, so the coffin only showed one end, and the + parrot cage was behind a trunk, next to the barrel of drinking water, out + of sight, and where the cage would not get jammed. At La Crosse the hands + were changed, and conductor Fred Cornes, as 6:35 arrived, shouted his + cheery “All aboard,” and the train moved off. The coffin was seen by all + the men in the baggage car, and a solemnity took possession of everybody. + Railroad men never feel 'entirely happy when a corpse is on the train. + </p> + <p> + The run to Sparta was made, and Fred went to the baggage car, and noticing + the coffin and the mournful appearance of the boys, he told them to brace + up and have some style about them He said it was what we had all to come + to, sooner or later, and for his part a corpse or two, more or less, in a + car made no difference to him. He said he had rather have a car load of + dead people than go into an emigrant train when some were eating cheese + and others were taking off their shoes and feeding infants. + </p> + <p> + He sat down in a chair and was counting over his tickets, and wondering + where all the passes come from, when the Legislature is not in session. + The train was just going through the tunnel near Greenfield, and Fred + says. + </p> + <p> + “Boys, we are now in the bowels of the earth, way down deeper than a + grave. Whew! how close it smells.” + </p> + <p> + Just then the baggagemaster had taken a dipper of water from the barrel, + and was drinking it, when a sepulchral voice, that seemed to come from the + coffin, said: + </p> + <p> + “Dammit, let me out!” + </p> + <p> + The baggage man had his mouth fall of water, and when he heard the voice + from the tombs, he squirted the water clear across the car, onto the + express messenger, turned pale, and leaned against a trunk. + </p> + <p> + Fred Cornes heard the noise, and, chucking the tickets into his pocket and + grabbing his lantern, he said, as he looked at the coffin: + </p> + <p> + “Who said that! Now, no ventriloquism on me, boys. I'm an old traveler, + and don't you fool with me.” + </p> + <p> + The baggage man had by this time got his breath, and he swore upon his + sacred honor that the corpse in there was alive, and asked to be let out. + </p> + <p> + Fred went out of the car to register at Greenfield, and the express + messenger opened the door to put out some egg cases, and the baggage man + pulled out a trunk. He was so weak he couldn't lift it. They were all as + pale as a whitewashed fence. + </p> + <p> + After the train left Greenfield they all gathered in the car and listened + at a respectful distance from the coffin. All was as still as a car can be + that is running twenty-five miles an hour. They gathered a little nearer, + but no noise, when Cornes said they were all off their base, and had + better soak their heads. + </p> + <p> + “You fellows are overworked, and are nervous, The company ought to give + you a furlough, and pay your expenses to the sea shore.” + </p> + <p> + Just then there was a rustling as if somebody had rolled over in bed and a + voice said, as plainly as possible: + </p> + <p> + “O, how I suffer!” + </p> + <p> + If a nitro-glycerine bomb had exploded there could not have been more + commotion. The express man rushed forward, and was going to climb over + into the tender of the engine, the baggage man started for the emigrant + car to see if there was anybody from the place in Germany that his hired + girl came from, and Cornes happened to think that he had not collected + fare from an Indian that got on at Greenfield with a lot of muskrat skins. + In less than four seconds the corpse and parrot were the sole occupants of + the car. The three train men and a brakeman met in the emigrant car and + looked at each other. + </p> + <p> + They never said a word for about two minutes, when Fred opened the ball. + He said there was no use of being scared, if the man was dead he was not + dangerous, and if he was alive the four of them could whip him, if he + undertook to run things. What they were in duty bound to do was to let him + out. No man could enjoy life screwed down in a sarcophagus like that. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” says Cornes, “there is a doctor from Milwaukee in the sleeper. I + will go and ask him to come in the baggage car, and you fellows go in and + pull the trunks off that coffin, and we will take a screw driver and a + can-opener and give the man air. That's doing as a fellow would be done + by.” + </p> + <p> + So he went and got the doctor and told him he had got a case for him. He + wanted him to practice on a dead man. The doctor put on his pants and + overcoat, and went with Fred. As they came into the baggage car the boys + were lifting a big trunk off the coffin, when the voice said: + </p> + <p> + “Go easy. Glory hallelujah!” + </p> + <p> + Then they all turned pale again, but all took hold of the baggage and + worked with a will, while the doctor held a screw driver he had fished out + of a tool box. + </p> + <p> + The doctor said the man was evidently alive, but the chances were that he + might die from suffocation before they could unscrew all the screws of the + outside box and the coffin, and he said he didn't know but the best way + would be to take an ax and break it open. + </p> + <p> + Fred said that was his idea, and he was just going for the ax when the + brakeman moved the water barrel, tipped over the parrot cage, and the + parrot shook himself and looked mad and said. “There, butterfingers! Polly + wants a cracker.” + </p> + <p> + Cornes had just come up with the axe, and was about to tell the brakeman + to chop the box, when the parrot spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Well, by——-,” said the baggageman. The doctor laughed, the + brakeman looked out the door to see how the weather was, and the conductor + said, “I knew it was a parrot all the time, but you fellows were so + anxious to chop into the box that I was going to let you. I never saw a + lot of men with so much curiosity.” Then they all united in trying to + bribe the doctor not to tell the story in Milwaukee. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0108" id="link2H_4_0108"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + GOT IN THE WRONG PEW. + </h2> + <p> + When the Young Men's Christian Association left our bed and board, without + just cause or provocation, and took up its abode in Bon Accord Hall, we + felt as though we had been bereaved of a fruitful source of items, and at + first we were inclined to advertise the association, and warn dealers not + to trust them on our account, as their credit was as good as ours, but + almost every day we hear of something that will do to write up. + </p> + <p> + The new hall of the association was formerly used by Prof. Sherman as a + dancing academy, and the other night when young Mr. Collingbourne agreed + to go around to the dancing school and escort a lady friend home, about + half past nine, he did not know of the change. At the appointed time he + went to the place he had always found the dancing school, and at the + bottom of the stairs he met a solemn looking sort of person who handed him + a circular and said, “Come in, brother, and partake freely of the waters + of life.” + </p> + <p> + “You bet your boots,” says Collingbourne, as he threw his cigar into the + street, “but don't we get anything but water?” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Collingbourne is the last man in the world who would appear + irreverent, but he thought it was a dancing school, and when a mournful + looking man on the first landing took him by the arm and said, “Come all + ye who are weary and heavy laden,” he felt that there was an effort being + made to snatch his watch, so he jerked away from the brother and told him + he didn't want any taffy, and if he wasn't careful he would get kicked so + his head would ache. + </p> + <p> + The good brother thought Collingbourne was a brand that it would be + creditable to pluck from the burning, so he followed him up stairs, + telling him there was salvation for all, only to meet with the reply that + he better mind his own business or he would get salivated so his folks + would not know him. + </p> + <p> + At the top of the stairs he met two men that he had never seen at the + dancing school, and he felt as though he was being cornered for no good, + as the other fellow had closed in on his rear. The two new brothers each + took hold of one of his hands, and were telling him how glad they were + that he had shown a disposition to turn over a new leaf and try to lead a + different life, and they began to picture to him the beauty of faith, when + he backed up against the railing and said, “I don't know who you fellows + are, but you have tackled the wrong boy. I have been brought up in this + town, and I know all the games, and you can't get me on any racket,” and + then he looked at the door, as the piano sounded the beautiful tune, “From + Greenland's Icy Mountains,” and asked, “What time does the cotillion break + up?” The good brother told him it was early yet, and “while the lamp holds + out to burn, the vilest sinner may return.” + </p> + <p> + The visitor said he would go in, he guessed, and shake his foot once, just + for luck, and he opened the door. Such a sight met his eyes as he never + saw in a dancing school before. The whole congregation nearly, was on its + knees, and a good man was offering up a prayer that was indeed beautiful. + Collingborne began to sweat in three different languages, but being a + gentleman who had the most unbounded respect for religion in all its + forms, he uncovered his head and bowed reverently while the prayer was + being uttered. + </p> + <p> + When it was through he turned to one of the truly good people in the hall, + that had watched his devotion, and said, “Say, boss, this is evidently a + new scheme. I thought this was Sherman's dancing school. You must excuse + my seeming irreverence. If you will kick me down stairs I will consider it + a special dispensation of providence,” and he went down into the wicked + world and asked a policeman where the dancing school was. All the way home + the lady friend asked him what made him so solemn, but he only said his + boots fit him too quick. He never goes to a dancing school now without + finding out if it is there yet. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0109" id="link2H_4_0109"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PALACE CATTLE CARS. + </h2> + <p> + The papers are publishing accounts of the arrival east of a train of + palace cattle cars, and illustrating how much better the cattle feel after + a trip in one of these cars, than cattle did when they made the journey in + the ordinary cattle cars. + </p> + <p> + As we understand it the cars are fitted up in the most gorgeous manner, in + mahogany and rosewood, and the upholstering is something perfectly grand, + and never before undertaken except in the palaces of the old world. + </p> + <p> + As you enter the car there is a reception room, with a few chairs, a + lounge and an ottoman, and a Texas steer gently waves you to a seat with + his horns, while he switches off your hat with his tail. If there is any + particular cow, or steer, or ox, that you wish to see, you give your card + to the attendant steer, and he excuses himself and trots off to find the + one you desire to see. You do not have long to wait, for the animal + courteously rises, humps up his or her back, stretches, yawns, and with + the remark, “the galoot wants to interview me, probably, and I wish he + would keep away,” the particular one sought for comes to the reception + room and puts out its front foot for a shake, smiles and says, “Glad you + came. Was afraid you would let us go away and not call.” + </p> + <p> + Then the cow or steer sits down on its haunches and the conversation flows + in easy channels. You ask how they like the country, and if they have good + times, and if they are not hard worked, and all that; and they yawn and + say the country is splendid at this season of the year, and that when + passing along the road they feel as though they would like to get out in + some meadow, and eat grass and switch flies. + </p> + <p> + The steer asks the visitor if he does not want to look through the car, + when he says he would like to if it is not too much trouble. The steer + says it is no trouble at all, at the same time shaking his horns as though + he was mad, and kicking some of the gilding off of a stateroom. + </p> + <p> + “This,” says the steer who is doing the honors, “is the stateroom occupied + by old Brindle, who is being shipped from St. Joseph, Mo. Brindle weighs + 1,600 on foot—Brindle, get up and show yourself to the gentleman.” + </p> + <p> + Brindle kicks off the red blanket, rolls her eyes in a lazy sort of way, + bellows, and stands up in the berth, humps up her back so it raises the + upper berth and causes a heifer that is trying to sleep off a debauch of + bran mash, to kick like a steer, and then looks at the interviewer as much + as to say, “O, go on now and give us a rest.” Brindle turns her head to a + fountain that is near, in which Apollinaris water is flowing, perfumed + with new mown hay, drinks, turns her head, and licks her back, and stops + and thinks, and then looking around as much as to say, “Gentlemen, you + will have to excuse me,” lays down with her head on a pillow, pulls the + coverlid over her and begins to snore. + </p> + <p> + The attendant steer steers the visitor along the next apartment, which is + a large one, filled with cattle in all positions. One is lying in a + hammock, with her feet on the window, reading the Chicago <i>Times</i> + article on “Oleomargerine, or Bull Butter,” at intervals stopping the + reading to curse the writer, who claims that oleomargarine is an unlawful + preparation, containing deleterious substances. + </p> + <p> + A party of four oxen are seated around a table playing seven-up for the + drinks, and as the attendant steer passes along, a speckled ox with one + horn broken, orders four pails full of Waukesha water with a dash of + oatmeal in it, “and make it hot,” says the ox, as he counts up high, low, + jack and the game. + </p> + <p> + Passing the card players the visitor notices an upright piano, and asks + what that is for, and the attendant steer says they are all fond of music, + and asks if he would not like to hear some of the cattle play. He says he + would, and the steer calls out a white cow who is sketching, and asks her + to warble a few notes. The cow seats herself on her haunches on the piano + stool, after saying she has such a cold she can't sing, and, besides, has + left her notes at home in the pasture. Turning over a few leaves with her + forward hoof, she finds something familiar, and proceeds to walk on the + piano keys with her forward feet and bellow, “Meat me in the + slaughterhouse when the due bill falls,” or something of that kind, when + the visitor says he has got to go up to the stock yards and attend a + reception of Colorado cattle, and he lights out. + </p> + <p> + We should think these parlor cattle cars would be a success, and that + cattle would enjoy them very much. It is said that parties desiring to + charter these cars for excursions for human beings, can be accommodated at + any time when they are not needed to transport cattle, if they will give + bonds to return them in as good order as they find them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0110" id="link2H_4_0110"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DUCK OR NO DINNER. + </h2> + <p> + There is nothing that gives pious people more annoyance than to hear + shooting on Sunday on some adjacent marsh while they are worshipping, and + there is nothing much more annoying to wicked Sunday, hunters than to have + ducks fly habitually in the vicinity of a church. + </p> + <p> + Winneconne, up on the Wolf river, is about evenly divided between-church + going people and those who take more pleasure in standing behind a shot + gun. When ducks fly about Winneconne in the Spring they follow the river + up and down, and the bridge in town is a favorite place for hunters to + stand and pepper the ducks with shot. + </p> + <p> + One Sunday about three weeks ago the ducks were flying terrible, and when + the bell rung for church the bridge was pretty well covered with hunters, + and many worshippers entered the church hard by with the smell of powder + in their spring bonnets. The hunters were so interested in the ducks of + the air that they did not notice the ducks on the way to church. + </p> + <p> + Finally the church people all got seated and the minister gave them an + excellent sermon, which was only occasionally interrupted by the good man + dodging down behind the pulpit to escape a stray charge of No. 4 shot + which came through the open window. No complaint was made, and no + sarcastic remarks were made about the wicked men who were out of meat, and + were shooting up a little for dinner, though there were silent prayers + offered for the Sabbath breakers. + </p> + <p> + At last the services were over, and the chair was singing, “A charge to + keep I have,” as the minister was picking some duck shot out of his + trousers, when there was a commotion. A wounded duck had fallen on the + door step of the church and being only “winged” had fluttered into the + church, and crawled under the seats, when a couple of retriever dogs + belonging to a German rushed into the sacred edifice and went howling + under the seats after the duck, while the owner's voice could be heard + outside yelling, “Rouse mit em!” + </p> + <p> + Well, some of them, those who had clock work stockings, held their feet up + in the air to get them away from the dogs, while others jumped up on the + pews and yelled bloody murder. Some went for the windows, and a brakeman + tells us that the senior deacon fainted away. + </p> + <p> + The dogs retrieved the duck, and as the congregation came out of the + church the German went down toward the bridge wringing the neck of the + duck and kicking the dogs for not having more sense than to go right into + a church during service. + </p> + <p> + The hunters of Winneconne should be talked to by the presiding elder. They + do very wrong to shoot on Sunday. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0111" id="link2H_4_0111"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GUINEA PIG. + </h2> + <p> + Nobody knows who is to blame for bringing the first Guinea pig to this + country, but certainly he didn't do anything very creditable. A Guinea pig + does not know anything, and never-learns anything. It is quite a neat + little plaything for children, and if it had any sense would become a pet, + but it never learns a thing. + </p> + <p> + A lady living near a theatre in this city bought a Guinea pig in Chicago + recently and brought it home, and it has been in the family ever since, + and it has never learned anything except when it is hungry it goes to the + lady and nibbles her foot, and how it learned that nobody knows. + </p> + <p> + One day it got away and strayed into the theatre, where it ran around + until the audience got seated for the evening performance, when the pig + began to fool around under the seats, probably looking for the lady that + owned it. On the front row in the dress circle was a young man and woman + from Waukesha. Whether the Guinea pig mistook the girl for its owner or + not is not positively known, but the animal was seen to go under the seat + occupied by the young woman. + </p> + <p> + Her attendant was leaning over her shoulder whispering in her ear, when + suddenly she jumped about two feet high, and grabbed her dress with both + hands. Her feller had his chin scratched by a pin that held a bow on her + shoulder, and as he wiped it off he asked her, as she came down into the + seat again, if she had them often. + </p> + <p> + A bald-headed citizen who sat next to her looked around at the woman in + astonishment, and took up his overcoat and moved to another seat. She + looked sassy at the bald-headed man, and told her escort the man had + insulted her. He said he would attend to the man after the show was out. + </p> + <p> + About three seats further down toward the stage there was a girl from the + West Side, with a young fellow, and they were very sociable. Suddenly he + leaned over to pick up a programme he had dropped, just as the Guinea pig + nibbled her instep. She drew herself away from her escort, blushing, and + indignation depicted on every feature, looked the other way, and would not + speak to him again during the whole evening. He thought she was flirting + with somebody else, and he was mad, and they sat there all the evening + looking as though they were married. + </p> + <p> + The Guinea pig went on down the row, and presently another woman hopped up + clear out of the seat, said, “For heaven's sake what was that?” and looked + around at a man who sat in the seat behind her as though she could eat him + raw. + </p> + <p> + Just before the curtain rose the pig got into a lady's rubber and went to + sleep, and when the performance was over and she went to put on the shoe, + she screamed a little and jumped up on the seat, and said something about + rats, which brought an usher to her assistance, and he took the Guinea pig + and sent it to its owner. For a few minutes there was almost as much + commotion as there would be at a picnic if a boy should break up a nest of + hornets. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0112" id="link2H_4_0112"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FAILURE OF A SOLID INSTITUTION. + </h2> + <p> + We are astonished to see that a Boston dealer in canned goods has failed. + If there is one branch of business that ought to be solid it is that of + canning fruits and things, for there must be the almightiest profit on it + that there is on anything. It must be remembered that the stuff is canned + when it is not salable in its natural state. + </p> + <p> + If the canners took tomatoes, for instance, when they first came around, + at half a dollar for six, and canned them, there would be some excuse for + charging twenty-five cents for a tin thing full, but they wait until the + vines are so full of tomatoes that the producer will pay the cartage if + you will haul them away, and then the tomatoes are dipped into hot water + so the skin will drop off, and they are chucked into cans that cost two + cents each, and you pay two shillings for them, when you get hungry for + tomatoes. The same way with peas, and peaches, and everything. + </p> + <p> + Did you ever try to eat canned peas? They are always old back numbers that + are as hard and tasteless as chips, and are canned after they have been + dried for seed. We bought a can of peas once for two shillings and + couldn't crack them with a nut cracker. But they were not a dead loss, as + we used them the next fall for buck shot. Actually, we shot a coon with a + charge of those peas, and he came down and struck the water, and died of + the cholera morbus the next day. + </p> + <p> + Talk of canned peaches; in the course of a brilliant career of forty years + we have never seen only six cans of peaches that were worth the powder to + blast them open. A man that will invent a can opener that will split open + one of these pale, sickly, hard hearted canned peaches, that swim around + in a pint of slippery elm juice in a tin can, has got a fortune. And they + have got to canning pumpkin, and charging money for it. + </p> + <p> + Why, for a dollar a canning firm can buy pumpkins enough to fill all the + tin cans that they can make in a year, and yet they charge a fellow twenty + cents for a can of pumpkin, and then the canning establishment fails. It + must be that some raw pumpkin has soured on the hands of the Boston firm, + or may be, and now we think we are on the right track to ferret out the + failure, it may be that the canning of Boston baked beans is what caused + the stoppage. + </p> + <p> + We had read of Boston baked beans since school days, and had never seen + any till four years ago, when we went to a picnic and bought a can to take + along. We new how baked beans ought to be cooked from years' experience, + but supposed the Boston bean must hold over every other bean, so when the + can was opened and we found that every bean was separate from every other + bean, and seemed to be out on its own recognizance, and that they were as + hard as a flint, we gave them to the children to play marbles with, and + soured on Boston baked beans. Probably it was canning Boston beans that + broke up the canning establishment. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + The Decoration Day exercises at Appleton were somewhat marred by a + discussion as to whether the graves of Confederate soldiers should be + decorated, and one man—Prof. Sawyer—a soldier who lost a leg + in the army, said that if anybody should attempt to decorate a rebel + soldier's grave in his vicinity, it would have to be done over his—Sawyer's—dead + body. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding this heartrending recital, the graves of rebel soldiers in + many places in this state and throughout the north, were decorated by + Union soldiers. What hurt does it do to throw a few flowers on the clay + that covers one who was once your enemy? Nobody thinks less of the Union + soldier for it, and it would make the southern mother or sister of the + dead boy feel so much better to know that kind hands at the north had done + a noble act. + </p> + <p> + Suppose this Professor Sawyer had been killed and buried down south, and + the Confederate people should be decorating the graves of their own dead, + and they should throw a few flowers on his grave, and some hot-headed + vindictive rebel should get on his ear and say that the man who laid that + bouquet on the Yankee's grave would have to take it off or fight. The + professor, if he laid there and heard it, would feel like getting out of + the grave, and taking a crutch and mauling the liver out of the bigoted + rebel. + </p> + <p> + It is not the rebel's cause that we decorate, but we put a few flowers + above his remains to show the people who loved him at home, that there is + nothing so confounded mean about us after all, and that we do as we would + be done by, and that while we were mad, and sassy, and full of fight, + eighteen years ago, we want to be friends, and shake hands over the + respective graves of our loved ones, and quit making fools of ourselves. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + A Ridiculous scene occurred a Palmyra, the other day. The furnace in the + basement of the church is reached by a trap door, which is right beside + the pulpit. There was a new preacher there from abroad, and he did not + know anything about the trap door, and the sexton went down there to fix + the fire, before the new minister arrived. The minister had just got + warmed up in his sermon, and was picturing to his hearers hell in all its + heat. He had got excited and told of the lake of burning brimstone below, + where the devil was the stoker, and where the heat was ten thousand times + hotter than a political campaign, and where the souls of the wicked would + roast, and fry, and stew until the place froze over. + </p> + <p> + Wiping the perspiration from his face, he said, pointing to the floor, + “Ah, my friends, look down into that seething, burning lake, and—” + Just at this point the trap door raised a little, and the sexton's face, + with coal smut all over it, appeared. He wanted to come up and hear the + sermon. + </p> + <p> + If hell had broke loose, the new minister could not have been more + astonished. He stepped back, grasped his manuscript, and was just about to + jump from the pulpit, when a deacon on the front seat said, “It's all + right, brother, he has only <i>been down below to see about the fire.</i>” + The sexton came up and shut down the trap door, the color came back to the + face of the minister, and he went on, though the incident seemed to take + the tuck all out of him. + </p> + <p> + A traveling man who happened to be at the church tells us that he knows + the minister was scared, for he sweat so that the perspiration run right + down on the carpet and made a puddle as though a dipper of water had been + tipped over there. The minister says he was not scared, but we don't see + how he could help it. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Sunshine, by George W. 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