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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:17:27 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/25490-0.txt b/25490-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a6f06a --- /dev/null +++ b/25490-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4735 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Uncle Ike and The Red Headed Boy, by +George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Peck's Uncle Ike and The Red Headed Boy + 1899 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25490] +Last Updated: October 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S UNCLE IKE *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +PECK'S UNCLE IKE AND THE RED HEADED BOY + +By George W. Peck + +Alexander Belford & Co. - 1899 + + +[Illustration: cover] + + +[Illustration: frontispiece] + + +[Illustration: titlepage] + + +To the Typical American Boy, + +The boy who is not so awfully good, along at first, but just good +enough; the boy who does not cry when he gets hurt, and goes into all +the dangerous games there are going, and goes in to win; the boy who +loves his girl with the same earnestness that he plays football, and +who takes the hard knocks of work and play until he becomes hardened +to anything that may come to him in after life; the boy who will +investigate everything in the way of machinery, even if he gets his +fingers pinched, and learns how to make the machine that pinched him; +the boy who, by study, experience, and mixing up with the world, knows +a little about everything that he will have to deal with when he +grows up--the all-around boy, that makes the all-around man, ready for +anything, from praying for his country's prosperity to fighting for its +honor; the boy who grows up qualified to lead anything, from the german +at a dance to an army in battle; the boy who can take up a collection +in church, or take up an artery on a man injured in a railroad accident, +without losing his nerve; the boy who can ask a blessing if called upon +to do so, or ask a girl's ugly father for the hand of his daughter in +marriage, without choking up; the boy who grows up to be a man whom all +men respect, all women love, and whom everybody wants to see President +of the United States, this book is respectfully dedicated by + +The Author. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +“Here, Uncle Ike, let me give you a nice piece of paper, twisted up +beautifully, to light your pipe,” said the red-headed boy, as Uncle Ike, +with his long clay pipe, filled with ill-smelling tobacco, was feeling +in his vest pocket for a match. “I should think nice white paper would +be sweeter to light a pipe with than a greasy old match scratched on +your pants,” and the boy lighted a taper and handed it to the old man. + +“No, don't try any new tricks on me,” said Uncle Ike, as he brought out +a match, from his vest pocket, picked off the shoddy that had collected +on it in the bottom of his pocket, and hitched his leg around so he +could scratch it on his trousers leg. “I have tried lighting my pipe +with paper, and the odor of the paper kills the flavor of this 10-cent +tobacco. Now, the brimstone on a match, added to the friction of the +trousers leg, helps the flavor of the tobacco,” and he drew the match +across his trousers, and lighted his pipe, and as the smoke began to +fill the room his good old face lighted up as though he had partaken +of a rich wine. “I like to get a little accustomed to brimstone here +on this earth, so, if I get on the wrong road when I die, and go where +brimstone is the only fuel, I won't appear to the neighbors down there +as though I was a tenderfoot. Wherever I go, I always want to appear as +though it wasn't my first trip away from home. Ah, children,” said the +old man, as he blew smoke enough out of his mouth to call out a fire +department, and laughed till the windows rattled, “there is lots of +fun in this old world, if your pipe don't go out. Don't miss any fun, +because when you die you don't know whether there is any fun going on or +not.” + +“I believe, Uncle Ike, that you would have fun anywhere,” said the boy, +as he thought of the funny stories the old man had told him for many +years, and listened to the laugh that acted as punctuation marks to all +of Uncle Ike's remarks. “I would hate to trust you at a funeral. Did you +ever laugh at a funeral, Uncle?” + +“I came mighty near it once,” said the old man, as he put his little +finger in the pipe and pressed down the ashes, and let the smoke out +again like the chimney of a factory. + +“O, my! why don't they make you use a smoke consumer on that pipe, or +cause you to use smokeless tobacco?” said the boy, as he coughed till +the tears came to his eyes. “It looks in this room like burning a tar +barrel when Dewey sunk the Spanish fleet. But tell us about your funny +funeral.” + +“O, it wasn't so funny,” said the old man, as he stroked the stubble +on his chin, and a twinkle came all around his eyes. “It was only my +thoughts that come near breaking up the funeral. There was an old friend +of mine years ago, a newspaper man, who was the most genial and loving +soul I ever knew, but he stuttered so you couldn't help laughing to hear +him. He could write the most beautiful things without stuttering, but +when he began to talk, and the talk would not come, and he stammered, +and puckered up his dear face, and finally got the words out, chewed up +into little pieces, with hyphens between the syllables, you had to +laugh or die. We were great friends, and used to smoke and tell stories +together, and pass evenings that I can now recall as the sweetest of my +life. There were many things in which we were alike. We smoked the same +kind of tobacco, in clay pipes, and lived on the same street, and, after +an evening of pleasure, whichever of us was the least wearied with the +day's work and night of enjoyment walked home with the other. We used +to talk about the hereafter, and promised each other to see that the +one that died first should not have a funeral sermon that would give us +taffy. It was my friend's idea that, if the minister spread it on too +thick, he would raise up in the coffin and protest. He was not what you +would call a good Christian, as the world goes, but I would trust him +to argue with St. Peter about getting inside the gate, because, if his +stutter ever got St. Peter to laughing, my friend would surely get in. +Well, he died, and I was one of the bearers at the funeral, with seven +others of his old friends; and when the minister was picturing the +virtues of the deceased which he never possessed, one of the bouquets on +the coffin rolled off on the floor, and I thought of what my friend had +said about calling the minister down, and in my imagination I could see +the old fellow raising up in the coffin and stuttering, and puckering +up his face there on that solemn occasion, and for about ten seconds it +seemed as though I would split with laughter; but I held it in, and we +got the good old genius buried all right, but it was a terrible strain +on my vest buttons,” and the old smoker lighted another match on his +trousers and started the pipe, which had grown cold as he talked of the +stuttering remains. + +“O, say, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, as he shuddered a little at the idea +of a stuttering corpse talking back at a minister, “speaking of heaven, +do you think the men that furnished embalmed beef to the soldiers and +made them sick in Cuba will get to heaven when they die?” + +“That depends a good deal on whether a political pull is any good +over there,” said Uncle Ike, as he reached for the yellow paper of +tobacco and filled up the clay pipe again. “_I think a soldier is the +noblest work of God_. A young man who has got everything just as he +wants it at home, parents who love him, and perhaps a girl who believes +he is the dearest man that ever wore a choker collar; who hears that his +country needs help, and gives up his spring mattress, his happy home, +his evenings with the dearest girl in the world, gives up baking powder +biscuits and strawberry shortcake, and enlists to go to Cuba, and sleeps +on the ground in the mud, gets malaria, and fights on his knees when he +is too weak to stand up, deserves something better than decayed meat, +and I believe the people who furnished that stuff for the boys are going +right straight to hell when they die,” and a look of revenge and horror +and indignation came over the old man's face that the boy had not seen +before in all the years he had known his uncle. “No, sir,” said he; +“the smell of that canned beef will stick to the garments of those who +prepared it and those who furnished it to those boys; and if one of them +got into heaven by crawling under the canvas, every angel there would +hold her nose and make up a face, and they would send for the devil +with his pitchfork to' throw him out. The verdict of no board of +investigation is going to be received as a passport to heaven.” + +[Illustration: A dog biscuit would have been mince pie 011] + +“Why, a dog biscuit would have been mince pie to the soldiers in +comparison to the stuff the rich beef packers furnished to those young +noblemen with the kyack uniforms on. To make a little more money, men +who have millions of dollars to burn, bilked a weak and overworked set +of officials with incipient paresis and locomotor ataxia in their walk +and conversation, and sawed on to them stuff that self-respecting pigs +could not have digested without taking pepsin tablets; and with that +embalmed and canned outrage on humanity in their stomachs those brave +men charged in the face of an enemy, and were hungry heroes, loaded with +decayed beef from a country that produces the finest food in the world. +Tramps, begging at the back gates of American homes, were living on +the fat of the land; dogs could gnaw fresh and sweet meat off of bones +thrown away, and laugh at our soldiers carrying Old Glory to victory +up hills shelled and bulleted and barbed-wire fenced. A bullet from a +Spanish gun, entering the stomach of an American soldier, turned black +when it came in contact with the embalmed beef there, and poisoned the +brave soldier, and made him die, with thoughts of home, and mother, +and sweetheart, and his lips closed for the last time, silent as to his +wrongs, uncomplaining as to the murder committed by the millionaires +at home. The business of packing meat ought to be combined with the +undertaking business, so you could order your meat and your coffin from +the same man. By cracky! Boy, I am so mad when I think of it, that I +don't want to go to heaven if those people go there. Go out, dears, for +a minute, for I want to use language that you can't find in the school +books!” and Uncle Ike got up out of his chair, pale with anger, and +smashed his pipe on the stone hearth, and a tear rolled down his cheek. +“Why, Uncle Ike, I didn't mean to make you cry,” said the red-headed +boy, as he backed out of the room, frightened at the old man. + +“Well, never mind, boy; don't worry about your Uncle Ike, because at my +age, when a man gets mad clear through, he has to have vent, or bust,” + and the old fellow laughed as hearty as though he had never been mad +in his life. “But I have a tender spot for soldiers who go to fight for +their country, and when they are abused I feel that somebody is guilty +of treason. I was a soldier in the war between the North and South, and +have seen soldiers hungry, so hungry that they would take raw corn out +of the nosebags of mules that were eating it, until a mule would begin +to kick seven ways for Sunday when he saw a soldier coming; but it +couldn't be helped, because the government couldn't keep up with the +soldiers with rations, when they were on the jump night and day. But, +do you know we had fun all the time we were hungry? There were Irish +soldiers in my regiment who would keep you good natured when you were +ready to die. The Irish soldier is so funny and so cheerful that he +should have good pay. If I was going to raise a regiment, I would have +one Irish soldier, at least, to every seven other soldiers, and my Irish +boy would keep them all laughing by his wit, so they would stand any +hardship. I have seen an Irish boy parch his corn that he had stolen +from a mule, spread it out on a saddle blanket in four piles, go and ask +three officers to dine with him, and, when they sat down on the ground +to eat the parched corn, he wouldn't let them begin the meal until he +made a welcoming speech, and had the chaplain ask a blessing over the +corn; and then he would go without his share, and tell funny stories +until the guests would laugh until they almost choked. The Irish soldier +is worth his weight in gold in any army, boy, and he is in all +armies, on one side or the other, and generally on both sides. The only +objection I have to an Irishman is that he smokes one of these short +pipes,” and the old man lit up his long clay pipe, and let the boy go +out to think over the lesson of the morning. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +Uncle Ike sat and smoked his pipe in silence for a few minutes, blew the +smoke out in clouds, and looked at it as though searching for something, +and there was a serious look on his face, as though he was trying to +fathom some mystery, while the redheaded boy was looking at himself in a +hand mirror to see if the freckles on his nose were any smaller since +he had been using some of his mother's toilet powder to remove them. +Finally Uncle Ike put the bowl of the pipe to his nose and smelled of +the burning tobacco, turned up his nose and snuffed, and said: + +[Illustration: Something the matter with this 'ere terbacker 017] + +“There is something the matter with this 'ere terbacker. I suppose the +terbacker makers have got into a trust, and they don't care how the +stuff smells. Condemned if I ain't half a mind to quit smoking and break +up the trust.” + +“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” said the red-headed boy, “that I fixed your +tobacco for you so it would not smell so bad. I put some cinnamon bark +and wiener skins in it.” + +“Well, of all things!” said Uncle Ike, as he emptied the tobacco out of +the pipe by rapping it on the heel of his boot, and looked sick. “What +in the name of heaven is wiener skins?” + +“Why, it is the envelope that goes around a wiener sausage. Us boys were +smoking cigarettes one day made of paper and dried dandelion leaves, and +the boy at the butcher shop said if we would dry some wiener skin and +cut it up and put it in the cigarette and smoke it, it would make the +finest flavor, and make us strong. I tried it, and the cigarette smelled +just like camping out and cooking over a camp-fire, and the next day I +was so strong ma noticed it. I thought you were getting old, and I would +make you strong and young again. Don't you notice how different the +smoke smells since I fixed the tobacco? I was going to put in some red +pepper pods, but----” + +“Here, hold on!” said Uncle Ike. “The butcher has got you mixed up. He +was giving you a recipe for a Mexican pudding. But don't you ever try +any experiments on your Uncle Ike any more. I don't want to be made +strong any more on sausage skins. A gymnasium is good enough for me, and +it don't smell like burning a negro at the stake. I know anything would +help the flavor of this terbacker, but I have got used to it, after +about sixty years burning it under my nose, and, if the trust will +not water the stock with baled hay or cut cabbage, I will try and pull +through as it is. So you experiment on yourself, condemn you! I knew it +was you that had disturbed my terbacker. I can tell by the freckles on +your face when you have done anything wrong. A boy that is freckled +has got to be square, or I am right on to him. When you are guilty, the +freckles on your nose are changeable; one will be yellow, like saffron, +and another freckle seems pale, and little drops of perspiration appear +between the freckles; and then several small freckles will combine into +one, like a trust, and you are given completely away. So remember, as +long as you wear freckles, if you do anything crooked, there is a sign +right on your face that tells the tale.” + +“Say, Uncle Ike, what is a trust?” asked the redheaded boy, anxious to +turn the subject away from wiener skins and freckles. “What good does a +trust do?” + +“Well, a trust is one of these things,” said Uncle Ike, as he opened +a new paper of tobacco, and threw the old paper, that had been treated +with foreign substances, into the fire, “one of these things that are +for the benefit of the dear people. You have heard of selling a gold +brick, haven't you? The man who sells a gold brick has a brass brick +made with a hole in it, in which he puts some gold, and he lets the jay +who wants to invest in raw gold test it by putting acid on the place +where the gold is filled in, and the jay finds that the brick is solid +gold, and he buys it, after mortgaging his farm to raise the money. The +man sells the gold brick cheap, because the jay is his friend, and when +he has got out of the country the jay tries to sell his gold brick for +eight hundred dollars, and he gets two dollars and eighty cents for +it. That is one kind of a trust. The trust you mean is a combination of +several factories, for instance. The promoter gets all the factories in +one line of business to combine. They pay each factory proprietor more +than his business is worth, and he is tickled, but they only pay him +part money, and give him stock in the combine for the balance, and let +him run his old business, now owned by others, at a good salary, and he +gets the big head and buys a rubber-tired carriage, and sends his family +to Europe. Then the trust closes down his factory and throws his men out +of employment, lowers the price of goods to run out others who have not +entered the trust, and the people who get goods cheap say a trust is the +noblest work of God. After the outsiders have been ruined, and the man +who entered the trust in good faith has spent the money they gave him, +and tries to sell the stock he received, it has gone down to seven cents +on a dollar, and the trust buys it in, and he cables his family to come +home in the steerage of a cattle ship. His old employees have gone +to the poorhouse or to selling bananas with a cart, and the former +manufacturer who was happy and prosperous has become poor and shabby, +and he looks at his closed factory, with its broken windows, and he +tries to get a position pushing a scraper on the asphalt pavement, and +if he fails he either jumps off the pier into the lake, or takes a gun +and goes gunning for the trust promoter who ruined him. And after the +factory man is drowned, or sent to the penitentiary for murder, the +stock in the trust takes a bound and is away above par, and he hasn't +got any of it, and the poor competitors of the trust having been ruined +and closed up, prices of the goods go up kiting, and the dear people who +said a trust was the noblest work of God say it is the dumbdest work of +man, and they pass resolutions to down the trust, while the owners +of the good stock in the trust stick out their fat stomachs, full of +champagne and canvasback and terrapin, and laugh at the people till they +nearly die of apoplexy, and drive bob-tailed horses that live better +than the people, and carry blanketed dogs on velvet-cushioned carriages, +that would turn up their noses at good wiener skins worse than I did +when you loaded my tobacco, you little red-headed rascal,” and Uncle Ike +drew a long breath, and brought his fist down on the table in anger, as +he got worked up over the wrongs of the people at the hands of the gold +brick trusts. + +“Gosh,” said the red-headed boy, as his eyes kept opening wider and +wider when he took in all Uncle Ike had said, “I should think the people +would have the trusts arrested for breach of promise.” + +“What do you know about breach of promise?” said Uncle Ike, coloring up +and looking foolish. “Who has been telling you about my being arrested +once for breach of promise? If your mother has told you about that old +trouble I had, I'll leave this house and go board at a tavern.” + +“I never heard anything about it, Uncle Ike, so help me. I never heard +that you was ever in love.” + +“I never was in love,” said the old man, as he loaded up the pipe again, +“except with my pipe. That affair was a clear case of a dog getting +stuck on a man, and the owner of the dog thinking she was being loved. +You see I went to a summer resort years ago, and got acquainted with a +widow. She was a sweet creature, but I never said a word to her about +marriage. She had a pug dog, and I petted the dog, and called it to me, +and, do you know, that dog got so he would follow me, and set on my lap, +and come to my room, and whine, until I got scared. I talked with the +widow some, and once I took her and the dog out boat riding, but I never +gave her any cause to think that I was in love with her. But you ought +to have seen that dog. He just doted on me. I encouraged it till all the +guests at the hotel began to notice that I was very dear to the dog, and +the widow looked on smilingly and encouraged the intimacy. Then I tried +to drive the dog away from me, but he would curl up at my feet and look +up at me in such a loving manner that I weakened. Then the widow began +to hint at her desire to have someone that the dog could look up to and +love, and it was getting too warm, and I left the summer resort, and was +sued for breach of promise. Of course I didn't know what the woman or +the dog would swear to, so I settled for a thousand dollars. The next +year I called at the summer resort, and found the dog stuck on another +man, and I know just as well as can be that the widow paid her expenses +each summer by that dog getting in love with men, and I have never +looked at a woman twice since.” + +“Served them right,” said the boy, who had an idea that Uncle Ike was +right about everything. “I don't take much stock in girls myself. I am +mighty glad I haven't got any sister. The boys that have got sisters are +in hot water all the time, and have to go home with them from parties, +and carry their rubbers to school when it rains, and fight for them +if the other boys call them tomboys. Sisters are no good,” and the +red-headed boy looked smart, as though he had said something Uncle Ike +would applaud. + +“There, that will do,” said Uncle Ike, as he put his hand in the boy's +hair to warm it. “Don't let me ever hear you say a word against sisters +again. You don't know anything about sisters. They are great. Let me +tell you a story. I know a man who is away up in public affairs, at the +head of his profession in his county, and one the world will hear more +about some of these days. He was just such a little shrimp as you are, +when he was a boy. He got out of the high school, and was going to clerk +in a feed store, when his sister took him one side, one Sunday, and told +him she wanted him to go to college. He almost fainted away at the idea. +There wasn't much money in the family to burn on a boy's education, and +he knew it, and he asked where the money was to come from. This little +sister of the poor boy said she would furnish the money. She knew that +he would be one of the great men of the country, if he had a college +education, and it was arranged for him to go to college, this little +sister being his backer financially. She had a musical education, and +began to look for chances to make money. She took scholars in music, and +was so anxious to make money for this brother to blow in on an education +that she fairly forced music into all her pupils, working night and day, +often with her head ready to split open with pain, but every week she +rounded up money enough to send to that brother at college, and for four +years there never was a Monday morning that he did not get a postoffice +order from that sweet girl, and every day a letter of encouragement, and +advice, and when he graduated a pale girl stood below the platform with +bright eyes and a feverish cheek, and when he came down off the +platform with his diploma he grasped her in his arms and said, 'Sister, +darling,' and kissed her in the presence of five thousand people, and +she fainted. She had worked as no man works, for four years, and the +result was a brother, a lawyer, a grand man, who loves that sister as +though she was an angel from heaven. So, confound you, if I ever hear +you say a word against sisters again, I will take you across my knee +and you will think the millennium has come and struck you right on the +pants,” and Uncle Ike patted the boy on the cheek, and said they had +better go out and catch a mess of fish. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +“Uncle Ike, did you ever take many degrees in secret societies?” asked +the red-headed boy, as he saw the old gentleman reading an account of a +man who was killed during initiation into a lodge, by being spanked with +a clapboard on which cartridges had been placed. + +“About a hundred degrees, I should think, without counting up,” said +Uncle Ike, as he thought over the different lodges he had belonged to in +the past fifty years. “What set you to thinking about secret societies?” + +“Oh, I thought I would join a few, and have some fun. I read every +little while about some one being killed while being initiated, and it +seems to me the death rate is about as great as it is in Cuba or the +Philippines. Is there much fun in killing a man, Uncle Ike?” + +“Well, not much for the man who is killed,” said the old man, as he gave +the grand hailing sign of distress for the boy to bring him his pipe +and tobacco. “Accidents will happen, you know. It isn't one man in ten +thousand that gets killed being initiated.” + +“What do people join lodges for, anyway, when they are liable to croak?” + said the boy, as he passed the ingredients for a fumigation to the +uncle. “Don't you think there ought to be laws against initiating, the +same as clipping horses and cutting their tails off, or cutting off +clogs' tails and ears? What do the lodges have those funny ceremonies +for?” + +“Well, a fool boy can ask more questions than the oldest man can +answer,” said Uncle Ike, as he hitched around in his chair, and looked +mysterious, as he thought of the grips and passwords he once knew. “No, +there is no occasion for laws against men going up against any game. +Most men join lodges because they think it is a good thing, and after +they have taken a few degrees they want all there are, and after awhile +the degrees keep getting harder, and they think of more to come, and by +and by they get enough. In most lodges all men are on an equal footing, +the prince and the pauper are all alike. Occasionally there is a man who +thinks because he is rich or prominent in some way, that he is smarter +than the ordinary man in a lodge. Then is the time that the rest try to +teach him humility, and show him that he is only a poor mortal. It +does some men good to have their diamonds removed, their good clothes +replaced by the tattered garments of the tramp, and then let them look +at themselves and see how little they amount to. In some lodges a man +is taught a useful lesson by stripping him to the buff and taking a +clapboard and letting a common laborer maul him until he finds out that +he is not the whole business. If that were done occasionally by society +you wouldn't find so many men looking over the common people. It would +take the starch out of some people to feel that if they put on too +many airs they would be liable to have a boot hit them any time. Lodges +sometimes make good men out of the worst material. In some lodges the +Prince of Wales would have to walk turkey right beside a well-digger, +and it would do the prince good and not hurt the well-digger. But if I +was in your place I would not join a lodge yet. Try the Salvation Army +first,” and Uncle Ike got up and went to the window, and listened to +the bugle and bass drum and tambourine of the army as it passed on its +nightly round. + +“That Salvation army makes me tired,” said the red-headed boy, as he +reached for his putty blower. “Going around the streets palming that +noise off on the public for music, and scaring horses, and taking up a +collection, and singing out of tune. Say, I'll bet I can blow a chunk +of putty into that girl's bonnet and make her jump like a box car in +a collision,” and the boy opened the window and was taking aim at the +tambourine girl's bonnet when Uncle Ike reached out and took the putty +blower away from him and said: + +[Illustration: It does not take opera music to get people to heaven 027] + +“Don't ever worry those poor people, or let any other boy bother them +when you are around. They are entitled to the respect of all good +people. It does not take opera music to get people to heaven. Even that +wretched music they give so freely, may turn some poor wretch from +the wrong to the right way, and a poor devil who becomes a follower of +Christ from practicing following the Salvation army is just as welcome +in heaven as though he went to church with a four-in-hand and listened +to a heavenly choir that is paid a hundred dollars per. It does not seem +possible to some rich people that St. Peter is going to extend the glad +hand to a dockwolloper, and let the rich man stand out in the cold until +he tells how he used his money on earth, whether to oppress the poor or +to make them glad. Lots of men are going to be fooled thinking they are +going to get inside the pearly gates on the strength of their money, but +some of them may have to be vouched for by a Salvation army lassie. So, +boy, if you love your old uncle, always respect the religion of every +soul on earth, and don't fire putty at any girl's bonnet. You hear me?” + and the old man patted the boy on the back, and his old face looked +angelic, through the tobacco smoke cloud. + +“Well, Uncle Ike, you are the queerest man I ever saw,” said the +red-headed boy, as he wiped a tear out of his eye with his shirt sleeve. +“There is nothing I can do to agree with you, until you have talked to +me a little. When I feel funny, and want to laugh, you make me cry; and +when I get serious about something, and get you to talking, you get me +to laughing. I never agree with you until you have had your say. But +I agree with you on one thing; you said the other day, when we were +talking about breach of promise, that you were never in love. That's +where you and I are alike. It makes me weary to see some boys in love +with girls, and run around after them, and make themselves laughing +stock of everybody. If a girl should get in love with me, I would tell +her to go to thunder, and I would laugh at her, and tell all the boys +she was silly. There is no good in love. I thought I liked a girl once, +and gave her a German silver ring that I got off an old china pipe stem; +and she loved me just a week, and then she shook me because the German +silver ring corroded on her finger and gave her blood poison. It wasn't +true love, or she would have stuck to me if she had been obliged to have +her finger amputated. Bah! I was so discouraged that I will never have +anything to say to a girl again, and I will grow up to be an old bach +like you, who never did love anybody but a dog. Isn't that so, Uncle +Ike?” “Did I say I never loved any woman?” said Uncle Ike, as he looked +away off, apparently his eyes penetrating the dim past, and a wet spot +on his cheek that kept getting wetter, and spreading around his face, +until he wiped it off with one end of his necktie. “Why, boy, don't you +ever tell your ma, but I have been in love enough to send a man to the +insane asylum. You think you will never love any girl again, on account +of that blood poisoning. Why, blood poison is nowhere beside love. Some +day you will have a girl pass to windward of you, and when cool air of +heaven blows a breath of her presence toward you, the love microbe will +enter your system with the odor of violets that comes from her, and +there is no medicine on earth that will cure you. The first thing you +know you will follow that girl like a poodle, and if she wants you to +walk on your hands and knees, and carry her parasol in your mouth, you +will do it. When she looks at you the perspiration will start out all +over you, and you will think there is only one pair of eyes in the +world, that all beautiful eyes have been consolidated into one pair of +blue ones, and that they are as big as moons. If you touch her hand you +will feel a thrill go up your arm and down your spine, as you do when +a four-pound bass strikes your frog when you are fishing. She will see +that your necktie is on sideways, and she will take hold of it to fix +it, and you will not breathe for fear she will go away, and when she +gets you fixed so you will pass in a crowd, you will be paralyzed all +over, and unable to move, until she beckons you to come along, and +when you start to walk you will feel all over like your foot is asleep. +Walking a block or two beside this girl will be to you better than a +trip to Europe, and a look at her face will seem to you a glimpse +of heaven, and angels, and you will leave her after the too short +interview, and you will be glad you are alive, and then you may see her +riding in a street car with another, and you will want to commit murder. +When these things occur, boy, you are in love, and you have got it bad. +You think you don't love anybody, but you will. I have been there, boy, +and there is no escape without taking to the woods, and love will make a +trail through the forest, and over glaciers, and catch you if you don't +watch out. So when love gets into your system, that way, just hold up +your hands as though a hold-up man had the drop on you with a revolver, +and let the girl go through you. The only way I escaped was that the +girl married. Now go away and let me alone, boy, or I shall have to take +you across my knee,” and the red-headed boy backed out of the room +and left Uncle Ike, his trembling fingers rattling the yellow paper of +tobacco, trying to fill his pipe, and as the boy got outdoors and blew +a charge of putty from his blower at the washwoman bending over the +wash-tub, he said: + +“Well, Uncle Ike hasn't had a picnic all his life.” + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +“What is the matter with your Aunt Almira this morning?” asked Uncle Ike +of the red-headed boy, as he came out into the garden with a sling-shot, +and began to shoot birdshot at the little cucumbers that were beginning +to grow away from the pickle vine, as the boy called the cucumber tree. + +“She's turned nigger,” said the boy, turning his sling-shot at an +Italian yelling strawberries. “Wait till I hit that dago on the side of +the nose, and you will hear a noise that will remind you of Garibaldi +crossing the Rubicon.” + +“Garibaldi never crossed the Rubicon, and you couldn't hit that Italian +count on the nose in a week, and if you did he would chase you with +a knife, and tree you in the cellar under the kindling wood, and if I +interfered he would gash me in the stomach and claim protection from +his government, and a war would only be averted between this country and +Italy by an apology from the President, saluting the Italian flag by our +navy, and an indemnity paid to your dago friend, enough to support him +in luxury the balance of his life. So be careful with your birdshot. +But, about your Aunt Almira; she was yelling for help this morning, and +didn't come down to breakfast.” + +“Well, sir,” said the boy, respectfully, as he sheathed his trusty +sling-shot in his pistol pocket, after the dago had felt a shot strike +his hat, and he looked around at the boy with the whites of his eyes +glassy and his earrings shaking with wrath, “It was all on account of +the innocentest mistake that aunty is ill this morning. You see, every +night she puts cold cream all over her face, and on her hands clear up +above her wrists, to make herself soft. Last night she forgot it until +she had got in bed and the light was put out, and then she yelled to me +to bring the little tin box out of the bathroom, and I was busy studying +my algebra and I made a mistake and got the shoe dressing, that paste +that they put on patent leather shoes. Well, Aunt Almira put it on +generous, and rubbed it in nice. I didn't know I had made a mistake +until this morning, but I couldn't sleep a wink all night thinking how +funny aunty would look in the morning.” + +“Hold on,” said Uncle Ike, “don't prevaricate. You did it on purpose, +and knew it all right, and let that poor lady sleep the sleep of +innocence, blacker than the ace of spades. Say, if you was mine I would +have a continuous performance right here now,” and Uncle Ike run his +tongue a couple of times around a dry cigar a friend had given him, +and licked the wrapper so it would hold in the shoddy filling. “Don't +interrupt the speaker,” said the boy, as he handed Uncle Ike a match to +touch off the Roman candle. “If you had seen Aunt Almira, just after she +had yelled murder the third time this morning, you would not scold me. +She woke up, and the first thing that attracted her attention was her +hands, and she thought she had gone to bed with her long black kid party +gloves on, and she tried to pull them off. When she couldn't get them +off, she raised up in bed and looked at herself in a mirror, and that +was the time she yelled, and I went in the room to help her. Well, sir, +she hadn't missed a 'place on her face, neck and arms, and the paste +shone just like patent leather. I said, aunty, you can go into the +nigger show business, and she said, what is it, and I said, I give it up +for I am no end man.” + +[Illustration: Wanted me to send for a doctor 035] + +“Then she yelled again. Oh, dear, I was never so sorry for a high-born +lady in my life, but to encourage her I told her I read of a white woman +in Alabama that turned black in a single night, and the niggers would +never have anything to say to her, because she was a hoodoo, and wasn't +in their class, and then she yelled again and wanted me to send for a +doctor, and I told her there wasn't any negro doctor in town, and what +she wanted was to send for a scrubwoman, and then I showed her the box +of shoe paste and told her she had got in the wrong box, and she laid it +to me and shooed me out of the room like I was a hen, and she has been +all the forenoon trying to wash that shoe paste off, but it will have to +wear off, 'cause it is fast colors, and aunty has got to go to a heathen +meeting at the church to-night, and she will have to send regrets. Don't +you think women are awful careless about their toilets?” and the boy +rubbed his red hair with a piece of sand-paper, because some one had +told him sand-paper would take the red out of his hair. + +“Do you know,” said Uncle Ike, as the cigar swelled up in the center +and began to curl on the end, and he threw it to the hens, and watched a +rooster pick at it and make up a face, “if I was your aunt I would skin +you alive? If you were a little older, we would ship you on a naval +vessel, where you couldn't get ashore once a year, and you could get +punished every day.” + +“I wouldn't go in the navy, unless I could be Dewey. Dewey has a snap. +Every day I read how he has ordered some man thrown overboard. The other +day a Filipino shoemaker brought him a pair of shoes and charged him two +dollars more for them than he agreed to, and Dewey turned to a coxswain, +or a belaying pin, or something, and told them to throw the man +overboard. Uncle Ike, do you think Dewey throws everybody overboard that +the papers say he does?” + +“Well, I wouldn't like to contradict a newspaper,” said Uncle Ike, as he +thought the matter over. “It has seemed to me for some time that Dewey +had a habit of throwing people overboard that would be liable to get +him into trouble when he gets home, if the habit sticks to him. For that +reason I would suggest that the house that is to be presented to him at +Washington be a one-story house, so he could throw people that did not +please him out of a window and not kill them too dead. When he gets home +and settled down, it is likely he will be called upon by Mark Hanna, +General Alger and others, and they will be very apt to give Dewey advice +as to how he ought to conduct himself, and what he ought to say; and if +he had an office in the top of a ten-story building, the janitor or the +policeman in the street would be finding the remains of some of those +visitors flattened out on the sidewalk so they would have to be scraped +up with a caseknife. Throwing people overboard in Manila bay, and in a +ten-story flagship in Washington, is going to be different.” + +“Well, boy,” said Uncle Ike, as the two wandered around the garden, +looking at the things grow, “there is a sign that tomato cans are ripe, +and you go and get one and I will hold this big, fat angleworm,” and +he put his cane in front of a four-inch worm, which shortened up and +swelled out as big as a lead pencil. “I want just a quart of those worms +in cold storage, and tomorrow we will go fishing. Don't you like to go +out in the woods, by a stream, and hook an angleworm on to a hook, in +scallops, so he will look just as though he was defying the fish, and +throw it in, and wait till you get a nibble, and feel the electric +current run up your arm, and then the fish yanks a little, and you can't +refrain, hardly, from jerking, but you know he hasn't got hold enough +yet, and you make a supreme effort to control your nerves, and by and +by he takes it way down his neck, and you know he is your meat, and you +pull, and the electricity just gives you a shock, and----” + +“Yes, sir,” said the boy, interrupting the old man, “it feels just like +going home with a girl from a party, and she accidentally touches you, +and it goes all up and down you, and he swallows the bait, and you pull +him out and have to take a jackknife and cut the hook out of his gills, +and the angleworm is all chewed up, and when she looks at you as you bid +her goodnight and says it was kind of you to see her home, and puts out +her hand to shake you, you feel as though there was only one girl in the +whole world, and when you start to go home you have to blow your fingers +to keep them warm, and pry your fingers apart, but I don't like to scale +'em and clean 'em, but when they are fried in butter with bread crumbs, +and you have baked potatoes, gosh, say, but you can't sleep all night +from thinking maybe the next party you go to some other boy will ask +her if he can't see her home, but I like bullheads better than sunfish, +don't you, Uncle Ike?” and the boy went on filling his tomato can with +worms. + +“I have just one favor to ask,” said Uncle Ike, as he puckered up his +mouth in a smile, then laughed so loud that it sounded like raking a +stick along a picket fence, “and that is that you don't mix your fish +up that way. When the subject is girls, stick to girls, and when it is +fish, stay by the fish. I know there is a great deal of similarity in +the way they bite, but when you get them well hooked the result is all +the same, and they have to come into the basket, whether it is a fish or +a girl. The way a girl acts reminds me a good deal of a black bass. You +throw your hook, nicely baited with a fat angleworm, into the water near +the bass, and you think he will make a hop, skip, and jump for it, but +he looks the other way, swims around the worm, and pays no attention to +it, but if he sees another bass pointing toward the worm he sticks up +the top fin on his back, and turns sideways, and looks mad, and seems +to say, 'I'll tend to this worm myself, and you go away,' and the bass +finally goes up and snuffs at the worm, and turns up his nose, and +goes away, as though it was no particular interest to him, but he turns +around and keeps his eye on it, though, and after awhile you think you +will pull the worm out, because the bass isn't very hungry, anyway, and +just as you go to pull it up there is a disturbance in the water, and +the bass that had seemed to close its eyes for a nice quiet nap, makes +a six-foot jump, swallows the hook, worm, and eight inches of the line, +kicks up his heels, and starts for the bottom of the river, and you +think you have caught onto a yearling calf, and the reel sings and burns +your fingers, and the bass jumps out of the water and tries to shake the +hook out of his mouth, and you work hard, and act carefully, for fear +you will lose him, and you try to figure how much he weighs, and whether +you will have him fried or baked, and whether you will invite a neighbor +to dinner, who is always joking you about never catching any fish, and +then you get him up near you, and he is tired out, and you think you +never saw such a nice bass, and that it weighs at least six pounds, and +just as you are reaching out with the landing net, to take him in, he +gives one kick, chews off the line, you fall over backwards, and the +bass disappears with a parting flop of the tail, and a man who is +fishing a little ways off asks you what you had on your hook, and you +say that it was nothing but a confounded dogfish, anyway, and you wind +up your reel and go home, and you are so mad and hot that the leaves on +the trees curl up and turn yellow like late in the fall. Many a girl has +acted just that way, and finally chewed off the line, and let the man +fall with a dull thud, and after he has got over it he says to those who +have watched the angling that she was not much account, anyway, but all +the time he knows by the feeling of goneness inside of him that he lies +like a Spaniard,” and Uncle Ike tied a handkerchief over the tomato can +to keep the worms in, and said to the boy, “Now, if you can get up at +four o'clock in the morning we will go and get a fine mess.” + +“Mess of bass or girls?”.said the boy, as he looked up at the old man +with a twinkle in his eye. “Bass, by gosh!” said Uncle Ike. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +“Here, what you up to, you young heathen?” said Uncle Ike, as a pair of +small boxing gloves, about as big as goslings, struck him in the solar +plexus and all the way down his stomach, and he noticed a red streak +rushing about the room, side-stepping and clucking. “You are a nice +looking Sunday-school scholar, you are, dancing around as though you +were in the prize ring. Who taught you that foolishness, and what are +you trying to do?” and the old man cornered the red-headed boy between +the bookcase and the center-table, and took him across his knee, and +fanned his trousers with a hand as big as a canvas ham, until he said he +threw up the sponge. + +“Well, I'll tell you,” said the red-headed boy, as the old man let him +up and he felt of his trousers to see if they were warm, “I am going +into the prize-fighting business, and Aunt Almira, who is studying for +the stage, is teaching me to box. Gee, but she can give you a blow with +her left across the ear that will make you think Jeffries has put on +a shirt-waist, and a turquoise ring, and she and I are going to form a +combination and make a barrel of money. Say, Aunt Almira has got so she +can kick clear up to the gas jet, and she wants to play Juliet. I am +going to play Jeffries to her Juliet.” + +“Oh, you and your aunt have got things all mixed up. She does not have +to kick to play Juliet. And you can't box well enough to get into the +kindergarten class of prize fighters. What you want to fight for anyway? +Better go and study your Sunday-school lesson.” + +“I don't know,” said the boy, as he tied on a boxing glove by taking +the string in his teeth, “there is more money in prize fighting than +anything, and Jeffries was a nice Sunday-school boy, and his father is a +preacher, and he said the Lord was on the side of Jim in the fight that +knocked out Fitzsimmons. Do you believe, Uncle Ike, that the Lord was in +the ring there at Coney Island, seconding Jeffries, and that the prayers +of Jeffries' preacher father had anything to do with Fitzsimmons getting +it right and left in the slats and on the jaw?” + +“No! No! No!” said Uncle Ike, as he shuddered with disgust at the +thought that the good Lord should be mixed up in such things just to +make newspaper sensations. “There is not much going on that the Lord +is not an eye-witness of, but when it comes to being on one side or the +other of a prize fight He has got other business of more importance. +He watches even a sparrow's fall, but it is mighty doubtful in my mind +whether he paid any attention as to which of the two prize-fighting +brutes failed to get up in ten seconds. Boxing is all right, and I +believe in it, and want all boys to learn how to do it, in order that +they may protect themselves, or protect a weak person from assault, but +it ought to stop there. Men who fight each other for money ought to be +classed with bulldogs, wear muzzles and a dog license, and be shunned by +all decent people,” and the old man lit his pipe with deliberation and +smoked a long time in silence. + +“But they make money, don't they?” said the boy, who thought that making +money was the chief end of man. “Think of making thirty thousand dollars +in one night!” + +“Yes, and think of the train robbers who make a hundred thousand dollars +a night,” said the old man; “and what good did any money made by train +robbing or prize fighting ever do anybody? The men who make money that +way, blow it in for something that does them no good, and when they come +to die you have to take up a collection to bury them. Don't be a prize +fighter or a train robber if you can help it, boy, and don't ever get +the idea that the Lord is sitting up nights holding pool tickets on a +prize fight.” + +“Uncle Ike, why didn't you go to the circus the other night? We had more +fun, and lemonade, and peanuts, and the clown was so funny,” said the +boy; “and they had a fight, and a circus man threw a man out of the +tent; and a woman rode on a horse with those great, wide skirts, and +rosin on her feet and everywhere, so she would stick on, and----” + +“Oh, don't tell me,” said Uncle Ike, as he ran a broom straw into his +pipe stem to open up the pores; “I was brought up among circuses, and +used to sit up all night and go out on the road to meet the old wagon +show coming to town. Did you ever go away out five or six miles, in the +night, to meet a circus, and get tired, and lay down by the road and go +to sleep, and have the dew on the grass wet your bare feet and trousers +clear up to your waistband, and suddenly have the other boys wake you +up, and there was a fog so you couldn't see far, and suddenly about +daylight you hear a noise like a hog that gets frightened and says +'Woof!' and there coming out of the fog right on to you is the elephant, +looking larger than a house, and you keep still for fear of scaring him, +and he passes on and then the camels come, and the cages, and the sleepy +drivers letting the six horses go as they please, and the wagons with +the tents, and the performers sleeping on the bundles, and the band +wagon with all the musicians asleep, and the lions and tigers don't say +anything; and you never do anything except keep your eyes bulging out +till they get by, and then you realize you are six miles from home, and +you follow the procession into town, and when you get home your parents +take you across a chair and pet you with a press board for being out all +night, until you are so blistered that you cannot sit down on a seat at +the circus in the afternoon. Oh, I have been there, boy, barefooted and +bareheaded, with a hickory shirt on open clear down, and torn trousers +opened clear up. Lemonade never tastes like it does at a circus, sawdust +never smells the same anywhere else, and nothing in the whole world +smells like a circus,” and the old man's face lighted up as though the +recollection had made him young again. + +“Did you ever see a fight at a circus, Uncle Ike?” asked the red-headed +boy, who seemed to have been more impressed with the fight he had seen +than with the performance. + +“See a circus fight?” said Uncle Ike. “Gosh, I was right in the midst of +a circus fight, where several people were killed, and the whole town was +a hospital for a month. See that scar on top of my head,” and the old +man pointed with pride to a place on his head that looked as though a +mule had kicked him. “I was a deputy constable the day Levi J. North's +old circus, menagerie and troupe of Indians showed in the old town where +I lived.” + +[Ilustration: I grabbed a circus man by the arm 047] + +“Some country boys got in a muss with a side-show barker and they got to +fighting, and some Irish railroad graders heard the row, and they rushed +in with spades and picks' and clubs, and some gentleman said, 'Hey, +Rheube,' and the circus men came rushing out, and I came up with a tin +star, and said, 'In the name of the state I command the peace,' and I +grabbed a circus man by the arm, and an Irishman named Gibbons said, 'to +hell wid 'em,' and then a box car or something struck me on the head, +and I laid down, and three hundred circus men and about the same number +of countrymen and railroad hands walked on me, and they fought for an +hour, and when the people got me home and I woke up the circus had been +gone a week, and they had buried those who died, and a whole lot were in +jail, and my head didn't get down so I could get my hat on before late +in the fall.” + +“I grabbed a circus man by the arm.” + +“Did you resign as constable?” asked the redheaded boy, and he looked at +Uncle Ike with awe, as he would at a hero of a hundred battles. + +“Did I? That's the first thing I did when I came to, and I have never +looked at a tin star on a deputy since without a shudder, and I have +never let an admiring public force any office on to me to this day. One +day in a public office was enough for your Uncle Ike, but I would like +to go to a circus once more and listen to those old jokes of the clown, +which were so old that we boys knew them by heart sixty years ago,” and +Uncle Ike lighted his pipe again, and tried to laugh at one of the old +jokes. + +“Uncle Ike, I've got a scheme to get rich, and I will take you into +partnership with me,” said the redheaded boy, as Uncle Ike began to cool +off from his circus story. “You go in with me and furnish the money, and +I will buy a lot of hens, and fix up the back yard with lath, and just +let the hens lay eggs and raise chickens, and we will sell them. I have +figured it all up, and by starting with ten hens and two roosters, and +let them go ahead and attend to business, in twenty years we would have +seventeen million nine hundred and sixty-one fowls, which at 10 cents a +pound about Thanksgiving time would amount to----” + +“There, there, come off,” said Uncle Ike, as he lit up the old pipe +again, and got his thinker a'thinking. “I know what you want. You want +to get me in on the ground floor, I have been in more things on the +ground floor than anybody, but there was always another fellow in the +cellar. You are figuring hens the way you do compound interest, but +you are away off. Life is too short to wait for compound interest on a +dollar to make a fellow rich, and cutting coupons off a hen is just the +same. I started a hen ranch fifty years ago, on the same theory, and +went broke. There is no way to make money on hens except to turn them +loose on a farm, and have a woman with an apron over her head hunt eggs, +and sell them as quick as they are laid, before a hen has a chance to +get the fever to set. You open a hen ranch in the back yard, and your +hens will lay like thunder, when eggs are four cents a dozen, but when +eggs are two shillings a dozen you might take a hen by the neck and +shake her and you couldn't get an egg. When eggs are high, hens just +wander around as though they did not care whether school kept or not, +and they kick up a dust and lallygag, and get some disease, and eat +all the stuff you can buy for them, and they will make such a noise the +neighbors will set dogs on them, and the roosters will get on strike and +send walking delegates around to keep hens from laying, and then when +eggs get so cheap they are not good enough to throw at jay actors, the +whole poultry yard will begin to work overtime, and you have eggs to +spare. If the hens increased as you predict in your prospectus to me, +it would take all the money in town to buy food for them, and if you +attempted to realize on your hens to keep from bankruptcy, everybody +would quit eating chicken and go to eating mutton, and there you are. +I decline to invest in a hen ranch right here now, and if you try to +inveigle me into it I shall have you arrested as a gold-brick swindler,” + and Uncle Ike patted the red-headed boy on the shoulder and ran a great +hard thumb into his ribs. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +“Say, Uncle Ike, did you see this in the paper about fifty ambulances +being lost, on the way to Tampa, Florida, last year?” said the +red-headed boy, as Uncle Ike sat in an armchair, with his feet on the +center-table, his head down on his bosom, his pipe gone out, yet hanging +sideways out of the corner of his mouth, and the ashes spilled all over +his shirt bosom. “Seventeen carloads of ambulances that started +all right for Tampa, never showed up, and the government is writing +everywhere to have them looked up. Wouldn't that skin you?” and the boy +stood up beside Uncle Ike, took his pipe out of his mouth, filled it +again, brushed the ashes off his shirt, and handed him a lighted wax +match that he had found somewhere. Uncle Ike put the match to his +pipe, took a few whiffs, stuck up his nose, threw the match into the +fireplace, and said: + +“Where did you get that tallow match? Gosh, I had just as soon light my +pipe with kerosene oil. Always give me a plain, old-fashioned brimstone +match, if you love me, and keep out of my sight these cigarette +matches, that smell like a candle that has been blown out when it needed +snuffing.” And the old man began to wake up, as the tobacco smoke went +searching through his hair and up to the ceiling. “And so the government +lost fifty ambulances in transit, eh? Well, they will be searching the +returned soldiers next, to see if the boys got away with them, and never +think of looking up the contractors, who probably never shipped them at +all. It must be that the boys got tired of embalmed beef, and ate +the ambulances. When a man is hungry you take a slice of nice, fresh +ambulance, and broil it over the coals, with plenty of seasoning, and +a soldier could sustain life on it. The government must be crippled +for ambulances, and I think we better get up a subscription to buy some +more. An ambulance famine is a terrible thing, and I have my opinion +of a soldier who will steal an ambulance. When I was in the army, I +remember that at the battle of Stone River we----” + +“Oh, Uncle Ike, please don't tell me any of your terrible army +experiences,” said the boy, as he remembered that he had heard his uncle +tell of being in at least a hundred battles, when the history of the +family showed that the old man was only south during the war for about +six months, and he brought home a blacksnake whip as a souvenir, and +it was believed that he had worked in the quartermaster's department, +driving mules. “Let us talk about something enjoyable this beautiful +day. How would you like to be out on a lake, or river, today, in a boat, +drifting around, and forgetting everything, and having fun?” + +“I don't want any drifting around in mine,” said Uncle Ike, as he got +up from his chair, limped a little on his rheumatic leg, and went to the +window and looked out, and wished he were young again. “Don't you ever +drift when you are out in a boat. You just take the oars and pull, +somewhere, it don't make any difference where, as long as you pull. Row +against the current, and against the wind, and bend your back, and make +the boat jump, but don't drift. If you get in the habit of drifting when +you are a boy, you will drift when you are a man, and not pull against +the stream. The drifting boy becomes a drifting business man, who sits +still and lets those who row get away from him. The drifting lawyer sits +and drifts, and waits, and sighs because people do not find out that he +is great. He wears out pants instead of shoe leather. When you see a +man the seat of whose pants are shiny and almost worn through, while +his shoes are not worn, except on the heels, where he puts them on the +table, and waits and dreams, you can make up your mind that he drifted +instead of rowed, when he was a boy, out in a boat. The merchant who +goes to his store late in the morning, and sits around awhile, and +leaves early in the afternoon, and only shows enterprise in being cross +to the clerk who lets a customer escape with car fare to get home, is a +drifter, who stands still in his mercantile boat while his neighbors who +row, and push, and paddle, are running away from him. The boy who drifts +never catches the right girl. He drifts in to call on her, and drifts +through the evening, and nothing has been done, and when she begins to +yawn, he drifts away. She stands this drifting sort of love-making as +long as she can, and by and by there comes along a boy who rows, and +he keeps her awake, and they go off on a spin on their wheels, and +they can't drift on wheels if they try, because they have got to keep +pushing, and before he knows it the drifting boy finds that the boy who +rows is miles ahead with the girl, and all the drifting boy can do is to +yawn and say, 'Just my dumbed luck.' Dogs that just drift and lay in +the shade, and loll, never amount to anything. The dog that digs out the +woodchuck does not drift; he digs and barks, and saws wood, and by and +by he has the woodchuck by the pants, and shakes the daylights out +of him. He might lay by the woodchuck hole and drift all day, and the +woodchuck would just stay in the hole and laugh at the dog. The pointer +dog that stays under the wagon never comes to a point on chickens, and +the duck dog that stays on the shore and waits for the dead duck to +drift in, is not worth the dog biscuit he eats. + +“No, boy, whatever you do in this world, don't drift around, but row as +though you were going after the doctor,” and the old man turned from the +window and put his arm around the red-headed boy, and hugged him until +he heard something rattle in the boy's side pocket, and the boy pulled +out a box with the cover off, and a white powder scattered over his +clothes. “What is that powder?” asked the old uncle. + +“That is some of this foot-ease that I saw advertised in the paper. Aunt +Almira likes pigs' feet, and she says they lay hard on her stomach; so +I got some foot-ease and sprinkled a little on her pigs' feet for lunch, +and she ate it all right. Say, don't you think it is nice to be trying +to do kind acts for your auntie?” + +“Yes; but if she ever finds out about that pigs' foot ease, she will +make you think your trousers are warmer than your hair. You strike me as +being a boy that resembles a tornado. No one knows when you are going +to become dangerous, or where you are going to strike. You and a tornado +are a good deal like a cross-eyed man; you don't strike where you look +as though you were aiming, and suddenly you strike where you are not +looking, and where nobody is looking for you to strike. Nature must have +been in a curious mood when she produced cross-eyed men, red-headed boys +and tornadoes. What do you think ought to be done to Nature for giving +me a redheaded boy to bring up, eh, you rascal?” and the old man chucked +the boy under the chin, as though he wasn't half as mad at Nature as he +pretended to be. + +“Uncle Ike, do you think a tornado could be broken up, when it got all +ready to tear a town to pieces, by shooting into it with a cannon, as +the scientific people say?” said the boy, climbing up into the old +man's lap, and slyly putting a handful of peanut shucks down under the +waistband of his uncle's trousers. + +“Well, I don't know,” said Uncle Ike, as he wiggled around a little +when the first peanut shuck got down near the small of his back. “These +scientific people make me weary, talking about preventing tornadoes by +firing cannon into the funnel-shaped clouds. Why don't they do it? If +a tornado came up, you would find these cannon sharps in a cellar +somewhere. They are a passel of condemned theorists, and they want +someone else to take sight over a cannon at an approaching tornado, +while the sharps look through a peep-hole and see how it is going to +work. You might have a million cannon loaded ready for tornadoes, +and when one came up it would come so quick nobody would think of the +cannon, and everybody would dig out for a place of safety. Not one +artilleryman in a million could hit a tornado in a vital part. Do these +people think tornadoes are going around with a target tied on them, for +experts to shoot cannon balls at? A tornado is like one of these Fourth +of July nigger-chasers, that you touch off and it starts somewhere and +changes its mind and turns around and goes sideways, and when it finds a +girl looking the other way it everlastingly makes for her and runs into +her pantalets when she would swear it was pointed the other way. No, I +am something of a sportsman myself, and can shoot a gun some, but if +I had a cannon in each hand loaded for elephants, and I should see a +tornado going the other way, I would drop both guns and crawl into a +hole, and the tornado would probably turn around and pick up the guns +and fire them into the hole I was in. That's the kind of an insect a +tornado is, and don't you ever fool with one. A tornado is worse than a +battle. I remember when we were at the battle of Gettysburg----” + +“Oh, for Heaven's sake, Uncle Ike, what have I done that you should +fight that war all over again every time I try to have a quiet talk with +you?” and the boy stuffed his fingers in his ears, and got up off the +old man's lap, and the uncle got up and walked around, and when the +peanut shells began to work down his legs, and scratch his skin, and he +found his foot asleep from holding the big boy in his lap, the old +man thought he was stricken with paralysis, and he sat down again, and +called the boy to him and said, in a trembling voice: + +[Ilustration: My boy, you are going to lose your Uncle Ike 057] + +“My boy, you are going to lose your Uncle Ike. I feel that the end is +coming, and before I go to the beautiful beyond I want to say a few +serious words to you. It is coming as I had hoped. The disease begins at +my feet, and will work up gradually, paralyzing my limbs, then my body, +and lastly my brain will be seized by the destroyer, and then it will +all be over with your Uncle Ike. Remove my shoes, my boy, and I will +tell you a story. When we scaled the perpendicular wall at Lookout +Mountain, in the face of the Confederate guns, and----” + +“Can this be death?” said the boy, as he took off one of the old man's +shoes and emptied out a handful of peanut shucks, and laughed loud and +long. + +“Well, by gum!” said Uncle Ike, “peanuts instead of paralysis,” and +he jumped up and kicked high with the lately paralyzed legs; “now, I +haven't eaten peanuts in a week, and I suppose those shucks have been in +my clothes all this time. I am not going to die. Go dig some worms and +I will show you the liveliest corpse that ever caught a mess of +bullheads,” and the boy dropped the shoe and went out winking and +laughing as though he was having plenty of fun, and Uncle Ike went to a +mirror and looked at himself to see if he was really alive. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +“You are a nice-looking duck,” said Uncle Ike, as the red-headed boy +came into the sitting-room with a black' eye and a scratch across his +nose, and one thumb tied up in a rag, but looking as well, otherwise, +as could be expected. “What you been doing? Run over by a trolley car or +anything?” + +“Nope,” said the boy, as he looked in the mirror to see how his eye was +coloring, with all the pride of a man who is coloring a meerschaum; “I +just had a fight. Licked a boy, that's all,” and he put his hand to his +head, where a lock of his red hair had been pulled out. + +“You look as though you had licked a boy,” said the old man taking +a good look at the blue spot around the boy's eye. “I suppose he is +telling his folks how he licked you, too. My experience has been that +in these boys' fights you can't tell which licks until you hear both +stories. What was it about, anyway?” + +“He lied about you, Uncle Ike, and I choked him until he said 'peunk,' +and then I let him up, but he wouldn't apologize, and said he would +leave it to you, if what he said was true or not, and here he comes +now,” and the red-headed boy opened the door and ushered in a boy about +his own size, with two black eyes and a piece peeled off his cheek, and +one arm in a sling. + +“Which is Jeffries?” asked Uncle Ike, as he filled his pipe, and looked +over the two companions who had been scrapping. + +[Illustration: Which is Jeffries 63] + +“He is Jeffries,” said the visitor, “and I am Fitzsimmons, but I want to +have another go at him, unless we leave it to arbitration,” and the boy +looked at the red-headed boy with blood in his eye, and at Uncle Ike +with a look of no particular admiration. + +“Well, what was the cause of the row?” said Uncle Ike, as he took a +chair between the two boys, lit his pipe, and smiled as he saw the marks +of combat on their persons. + +“He said you used to be a drunkard, Uncle Ike, and had been to the +Keeley cure, and I called him a liar, and then we mixed up.” + +“That's about the size of it,” said the other boy; “now, which was +right?” + +Uncle Ike smoked up and filled the room so it looked like camping out +and cooking over a fire made of wet wood, and thought a long time, and +looked very serious, and the red-headed boy could see they were in for a +talk. Finally the old man said: + +“Boys, you are both right and both wrong, and I'll tell you all about +it. I never was a drunkard, and never drank much, but I have been to the +cure all the same. It was this way: I had a friend who was one of the +best men that ever lived, only he got a habit of drinking too much, and +no one seemed able to reason with him. He wouldn't take advice from his +own mother, his wife, or me, or anybody. He was just going to the devil +on a gallop, and it was only a question of a year or two when he would +die. I loved that man like a brother, but he would get mad the minute +I spoke of his drinking, and I quit talking to him, though I wanted +to save him. I have smoked dog-leg tobacco many a night till after +midnight, trying to study a way to save the only man in the world that +I ever actually loved, and I finally got it down fine. I began to act as +though I was half drunk whenever I saw my friend, spilled whisky on my +coat sleeves, and acted disreputable, and got a few good fellows to +talk with him about what a confounded wreck I was getting to be; and he +actually got to pitying me, and finally got disgusted with me; and one +day he said to me that I was a disgrace, and was making more different +kinds of a fool of myself than any drunkard he ever met. I got mad at +him, and told him to attend to his own business and left him. Then the +boys got to telling him that the only way to save me was to get me to +go to a cure; and, do you know, that good fellow that I would have given +the world to save, came to me and urged me to, take the cure; and +at first I was indignant that he should interfere in my affairs, and +finally he said he would go if I would. Then we struck a bargain, and +went to Dwight, and took the medicine. The boys had told the doctors +the story, and they only gave me one shot in the arm; but that came +near killing me, because it almost broke me of using tobacco. Well, I +remained there ten days, and, while they were pretending to cure me, +they were curing my friend sure enough, putting the gold cure into +his system with injections and drinks, while I didn't get anything but +ginger ale; and when we were discharged cured, I was the happiest man +in the world, except my friend, who was happier. He was not only cured +himself, and an honor to his family, but he thought he had saved me from +a drunkard's grave. That's the story, boys, and now you get up and shake +hands, and don't fight any more over your Uncle Ike,” and the old man +patted them both on the head, and they shook hands and laughed at each +other's black eyes. As the red-headed boy showed his late antagonist to +the door, he turned to his uncle and said: + +“Uncle Ike, if you have ever held up a railroad train, or robbed a bank, +or stolen horses, or done anything that would cause you to be arrested, +I beg of you to tell me of it now, so if anybody abuses you in my +presence I won't get into a fight every time,” and the boy put his arm +around his Uncle Ike and hugged him, and added, “You were a thoroughbred +when you bilked that friend of yours to take the cure.” + +“Oh, I don't know,” said Uncle Ike, “that reminds me of the battle of +Chickamauga. When Bragg's forces were----” + +“Fire! Fire!” yelled the red-headed boy, and he rushed out of doors and +left the old man talking to his pipe. + +“Has that battle of Chickamauga been fought out to a finish yet?” said +the red-headed boy, as he stuck his head in the door after the imaginary +fire alarm that he had created to escape Uncle Ike's war history, “for +if it is ended I want to come in, but I can't stand gore, and your war +stories are so full of blood that you must have had to swim in it.” + +“Oh, you don't know a hero when you see one,” said the old man, as he +straightened up and saluted the boy in a military manner, only that he +used his left hand instead of his right hand. + +“Well, I'll tell you,” said the boy as he got inside the room and +stood with his hand on the door knob, ready to escape if Uncle Ike +got excited. “You old veterans make me sick. I have heard nothing for +fifteen years except war talk, old war talk, back number war talk, about +how you old fellows put down the rebellion, and suffered, and fought, +and all that rot. Why, I heard a bugler who enlisted for the Spanish +war, and who only got as far as Jacksonville, say that you fellows that +put down the rebellion in 1864 were just a mob, and that you didn't have +any fighting, and that the Southern people were only fooling you, and +that you didn't suffer like the Spanish war heroes did, and that you +just had a picnic from start to finish. The bugler said he wouldn't ask +any better fun than to fight the way you fellows did, when you had all +you wanted to eat, good beds to sleep on, and servants to carry your +guns, and cook for you. The bugler said you fellows all get pensions +just for making an excursion through the Southern resorts, while the +heroes of the Spanish war, who fought a foreign country to a standstill, +and went without food, and got malaria, are without pensions, and just +existing on the record they made fighting for their country----” and +the boy stopped nagging the old man when he noticed that Uncle Ike was +turning blue in the face, and choking to keep down his wrath. + +“Where is this heroic bugler of the Spanish war?” said Uncle Ike, trying +to be calm, but actually frothing at the mouth. “Bring him here, and let +me hear him say these things, condemn him, and I will take him across my +knee and I will knock the wind out of him, so that he can never gather +enough in his carcass to blow another bugle. Why, confound him, he is a +liar. The war of the rebellion was a war, not a country schuetzenfest, +with a chance to go home every night and sleep in a feather bed, and get +a Turkish bath. The whole Spanish war, except what the navy did, was not +equal to an outpost skirmish in '63. Of course, the rough riders and +the weary walkers did a nice job going up San Juan hill, but we had a +thousand such fights in the rebellion. After that skirmish there was +nothing done by the army at Santiago, but to sit down in the mud and +wait for the Spaniards to eat their last cracker, and kill their last +dog and eat it, and then surrender. Ask that bugler to tell you where he +found, in his glorious career as a wind instrument in the Spanish war, +any Grants, Shermans, Sheridans, Logans, Pap Thomases, McClellans, +Kilpatricks, Custers, McPhersons, Braggs, and hundreds of such heroes. +What has the bugler got to show for his war? Shafter! And Alger! And +all of them quarreling over the little bone of victory that was not big +enough for a meal for our old generals of the war of the rebellion. And +he talks about our pensions, the young kid. He probably wears corsets. +Why, we didn't get pensions until we got so old we couldn't get up +alone. His gang of Jacksonville heroes will probably get pensions when +they are old enough. Bring that bugler in here some day, and don't +let him know what he is going to run up against, and I will give you a +dollar, and I will let you see me dust the carpet with him,” and the old +man sat down and fanned himself, while the boy looked scared for fear +Uncle Ike was going to have a fit. “Why, at the battle of Pea Ridge, +when a minie ball struck me, when I was on the firing line----” + +“Keno,” said the red-headed boy, as he went through the window head +first, and over the picket fence on his stomach, and disappeared down +the street. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +“Say, Uncle Ike, don't you think the Fourth of July is sort of played +out?” asked the red-headed boy, as he came to Uncle Ike's room on the +morning of the 5th, by appointment, to demonstrate to the old man that +he had not been quite killed by the celebration of the great day. “It +seems to me we don't have half as many accidents and fires as we used +to,” and the boy counted off to the uncle the dozen injuries he had +received by burns, and dug into his eye with a soiled handkerchief in +search of some gravel from a torpedo. + +“Oh, I don't know,” said Uncle Ike, as he lighted the old pipe and began +to look over the boy's injuries. “The Fourth is carrying on business at +the old stand, apparently. Your injuries are in the right places, on +the left hand, principally, and the gravel is in the left eye. That is +right. Always keep the right hand and the right eye in good shape, so +you can sight a gun and pull a trigger, either in shooting ducks or +Filipinos. You see, our country is growing, and we are celebrating the +Fourth from Alaska to Porto Rico, and from London to Luzon, so we can't +celebrate so very much in any one place. I expect by another Fourth +Queen Victoria will be yelling for the glorious Fourth, Emperor William +will be touching off dynamite firecrackers, Russia will be eating Roman +candies, and Aguinaldo will be touching off nigger-chasers and drinking +red lemonade. This is a great country, boy, and don't you forget it.” + +“Well, you may be right,” said the boy, as he poured some witch-hazel on +a rag around his thumb, “but it looks to me as though the troops in the +Philippines will be climbing aboard transports protected by the fleet, +with Aguinaldo slaughtering the boys in the hospitals and looting +Manila, if the President does not get a move onto himself and send +another army out there to be victorious some more. The way it is now, we +shall not have troops enough there to bury the dead. The boys have +been debating at school the Philippine question, and it was decided +unanimously that the President is up against a tough proposition, and +if he does not stop looking at the political side of that war and send +troops enough to eat up those shirtless soldiers, who can live on six +grains of rice and two grains of quinine a day, we are going to be +whipped out of our boots. That's what us boys think.” + +“Well, you boys don't want to think too much, or you are liable to have +brain fever,” said the old man, as he realized that there was mutiny +brewing among the school children. “What you fellows want the President +to do? Haven't we whipped the negroes everywhere, and taken village +after village, and burned them, and--and--chased them--and----” + +“Sure!” said the boy, as he saw that his uncle was at a loss to defend +the policy of his government. “We have had regular foot races with them, +and burned the huts of the helpless, and taken villages, and then didn't +have troops to hold them, and when we went out of a village on one +street, the niggers came in on another, and shot into our pants. We swim +rivers and take towns with as brave work as ever was done, and become so +exhausted we have to lay down in the mud and have a fit, and the niggers +climb trees like monkeys, eat cocoanuts and chatter at us. Say, Uncle +Ike, do you know us boys are getting tired of this business, and we are +getting up a petition to the President to get a trained nurse to put +Alger to sleep and run the war department herself.” + +[Illustration: We are going to have the petition 071] + +“We are going to have the petition signed by seven million American boys. +Why, if those niggers could go off in the woods and shoot at a mark for +a week, and get so they could hit anything, our boys would all be dead +in a month. The trouble is the niggers just pull up a gun and touch it +off like a girl does a firecracker. She lights the tip end of the tail +of a firecracker, and throws it, and you forget all about it, and when +her firecracker has ceased to interest you, and you don't know where +it is, it goes off in your coat collar, or down the waistband of your +pants. A Filipino shoots the way a trained monkey touches off a syphon +of seltzer water. He knows it will squirt if he touches the thumbpiece, +but it is as liable to hit him in the face, or wet his feet as anything. +Some day those niggers will learn how to shoot, and when Funston +attempts to swim a river he will get a bullet through the head, and +Lawton and MacArthur, who stand up in plain sight and let them practice +will wish they hadn't. We boys have decided to support the President +until he conquers those people, if that is what he is trying to do, but, +by gosh, if he does not wake up and quit looking pleasant, and seeming +to hope that Filipino shower is going to blow over, we feel that he will +wake up some morning and find that a nigger tornado has struck his brave +boys at Manila, and they will be in the cyclone cellars waiting for +somebody to come and dig them out. Don't you think so, Uncle Ike?” + +“I say, boy,” said Uncle Ike, as he lighted up the pipe, after letting +it go out while listening to the war talk of the excited boy, “do you +think you could arrange your affairs so as to leave here by tomorrow +evening and take the limited for Washington? Would you accept the +vacancy in the office of secretary of war? I know this offer comes +sudden to you, and that you will have no time to consult your debating +society as to whether you ought to accept the position, but when you +reflect that the country is in a critical situation, and needs a man of +blood and iron to steer the craft through among the rocks, I feel that +you cannot refuse. The ideas you express are so near like those that +General Jackson would express if he were alive, that I feel the country +would be blessed if you were in a position to brace up the President. +Now go wash your face, and I will wire the President that you will be +there day after tomorrow morning. But if you go there thinking, as many +people seem to think, that the President's backbone is made of banana +pulp, and that he is not alive to the situation, you will make a +mistake. There are chumps like you all over this country that wonder +why they have not been selected to run this country, who think the +commander-in-chief is running ward politics instead of the affairs of +the country. Of course, a President gets under obligations to different +elements in a campaign, and finds it necessary to surround himself with +a cabinet, a few members of which are not worth powder to blow them +up, but if they were all weak and vicious on the make, and political +ciphers, and the President himself is all right, the country will not go +very far wrong. What you boys want to do is to debate less on questions +you do not understand, and saw more wood. Let the grown people run +things a while longer, and you boys prepare to take the burden a quarter +of a century hence,” and the old man got up and put his arm around the +boy and felt of his head to see if he could find any soft spot. + +“Well, I was only joshin' any way, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, as he put +both arms around the old man, and felt in his uncle's pistol pocket to +discover something that was eatable. “But, Uncle Ike, I am serious now. +I have got in love with a girl, and she is mashed on another boy, and I +am having more trouble than McKinley. You know that quarter you gave me +yesterday? I saved 20 cents of it to treat her to ice-cream soda; and +when I went to find her, she was coming out of the drug store with the +other boy, and I found out they had been sitting on stools at the soda +fountain all the forenoon, drinking all the different kinds of soda, +until he had to hold her down for fear she would go up like a balloon, +from the soda bubbles that she had concealed about her person. I have +not decided whether to kill my rival, or go and enlist and go to +the Philippines and break her heart. What did you do under such +circumstances, Uncle, when you used to get in love?” + +“I used to take castor oil,” said Uncle Ike, as he looked at the +forlorn-looking boy, “but you don't need to. Just you take off those tan +shoes and put on black shoes, and change your luck. I never knew it to +fail, when a boy first put on tan shoes and a high collar. He is bound +to get in love before night. Take off those shoes, and you can go out +in the world and look everybody in the face and never get in love. It is +the same as being vaccinated,” and the old man looked sober and serious, +and the boy went to work to change his shoes, with a bright hope for the +future lighting up his face. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +“Go away from me! Don't you come any nearer or I will smite you!” said +Uncle Ike, as the redheaded boy came into the room with his red hair cut +short with the clippers, a green neglige shirt, with a red necktie, a +white collar, a tan belt with a nickel buckle, and short trousers with +golf socks of a plaid pattern that were so loud they would turn out a +fire department. “I am afraid of you. Who in the world got you to have +your red hair shingled so it looks like red sand-paper? And who is your +tailor? Have I got to go down to my grave with the thought that a nephew +of mine would appear in daylight looking like that? Get me a piece of +smoked glass, or I shall have cataracts on both eyes,” and the old man +knocked the ashes and deceased tobacco out of his pipe on his boot heel, +and dug the stuff out of the bottom of the pipe with a jack-knife. + +“Well, I had to have my hair cut, because the boys at the picnic filled +my hair with burdock burrs, and it couldn't be combed out,” said the +boy, as he took a match and scratched it on top of his head, and lit +it, while the uncle sniffed at the burned hair. “Aunt Almira cut my +hair first with a pair of dull shears, to get the burrs out, and then a +barber cut off all there was left, with these horse-clippers, and I feel +like a dog that has had his hindquarters clipped to make a lion of him. +Aunt Almira says I have got a great head. Say, Uncle Ike, did you ever +examine the bumps on my head? I was at a phrenology lecture once, and +the feeler could tell all that was going on in a man's head just by the +bumps. Feel of mine, Uncle, and tell my fortune,” and the red-headed boy +came up to the old man for examination. + +“I am no phrenologist,” said Uncle Ike, as he smoked up and got the boy +to coughing, “but there are some bumps I know the names of,” and he felt +all around the boy's head, and looked wise. “This place where there is +a dent in your head is where the bump of veneration will grow, later, if +you get in the habit of letting old people have a show, and get up and +offer them your chair, and run errands for them without expecting them +to pay you. This place on the back of your head, where there is a bump +as big as a hickory nut, is what we call the hat rack bump, because you +can hang your hat on it. The barber ought to have cut a couple of slices +off that bump with his lawn mower. Here is a bump that shows that you +are color blind. Be careful, or you will marry a negro girl by mistake. +As a precaution, when you begin to get in love serious, bring the girl +to me that I may see if she is white. Here is a soft bump that indicates +that you will steal-------” + +[Illustration: Bump that indicates that you will steal 077] + +“Oh, come off,” said the boy, laughing, and removing his head from the +investigation. “That is where I was struck by a golf ball. You are no +phrenologist. I know what you are, Uncle Ike; you are a fakir. +But, say, I was sick last night, after we had that green watermelon for +dinner, and Aunt Almira said I was troubled with sewer gas, and she gave +me the peppermint test. Do you think peppermint will detect sewer gas, +Uncle Ike?” + +“I know what you want, boy, you want to get me mad,” said Uncle Ike, as +he threw his pipe into the grate because it wouldn't draw, and took a +new one and filled it. “There is no greater fraud on the earth than this +peppermint test for sewer gas. I had a house to rent, years ago, and was +ruined by peppermint. When a tenant had anything the matter, from grip +to corns, the doctor would look wise, snuff around, and say he detected +sewer gas, and they would call in a health officer and he would put a +little peppermint oil in somewhere, and go into another room, and when +he smelled the peppermint he would say it was sewer gas, and send for +a plumber, and they would begin to plumb, and I had to pay. I had nine +tenants in two years, and every disease they had was laid to sewer gas, +and I had to ease up on the rent or stand a lawsuit. When one family had +triplets, and tried to stand me off on the rent on account of sewer gas, +I became a walking delegate, and struck, and turned the house into a +livery stable, and now, do you know, every time I go to collect rent I +am afraid a horse has got sick, and the livery man will lay it to sewer +gas. Why, boy, peppermint oil will go through an asphalt pavement. You +might put peppermint oil on top of the Egyptian pyramids and you could +smell it in fifteen minutes in Cairo. If anybody ever talks to you about +sewer gas and peppermint test, call them a liar and charge it to me,” + and the old man was so mad the boy's hair began to curl. + +“Here, Uncle Ike, what you staring out of the window so for, with your +eyes sot, like a dying horse, and your body as rigid as a statue?” and +the boy rushed up to the window and looked out to see what had come over +the old man. + +“Hush, keep still, and don't scare her away,” said Uncle Ike, as he held +up his hand and motioned the boy to keep still. + +“By gosh, if it isn't a woman, Uncle Ike, that has paralyzed you, and +you always said you didn't care for them any more,” said the red-headed +boy, as he looked out the window and saw a blonde-haired young woman +standing on the corner waiting for a street car, and glancing up at +Uncle Ike through the frowsy hair that was loosely flying about her +forehead. “And she is a blonde, too, and blondes have gone out of style. +Didn't you read in the papers that the shows won't hire blondes any +more, and that nothing but brunettes are in it? It must be pretty tough +on a blonde to get her hair all fixed fluffy, after years of patient +coloring, and then find she has gone out of style, and no op'ry will +hire her to shed blonde hair on the coats of the chorus fellows. Oh, +Uncle Ike, come away from the window or you will be stolen,” and the boy +dragged the old man away from the window, handed him his pipe, and said, +“Smoke up and try to forget it.” + +“Forget nothing,” said the old man, as he lit the torch and a smile came +over his good-natured face. “Don't you worry about blonde girls going +out of style. These bleached ones, who never were the real thing, may +go back to their natural, beautiful brunetticism, and when they realize +how foolish they have been, trying to bunko nature, they will be happier +than ever, but the natural blonde will never go out of style. She is +a joy forever. Do you know, when a man gets in love with a girl he +couldn't tell what the color of her hair was, to save him? He knows all +about her eyes, and her hands, and her face, but unless he finds a hair +on his coat he can't tell what is the color of the hair of his beloved. +Love is like smoking. You may smoke in the dark, and if your pipe goes +out you smoke right along and don't know the difference. You sit up with +a girl in the dark and you can't see her, and she may go to sleep, but +love keeps smoking right along and never seems to go out. When I was +wounded at the battle of Pea Ridge, and was taken to a young ladies' +seminary to be doctored and nursed back to life----” + +“Oh, do quit, Uncle Ike! If you had been taken wounded to a young +ladies' seminary, say in 1863, thirty-six years ago, you would have been +there yet, and your wound would still be paining you, and the girls who +saved your life would be grown up to be gray-haired old women,” and the +boy jollied the old man until he blushed. “You must have known a man +named Ananias in the army. Say, Uncle Ike, you know you wanted me to +learn a trade, and I have decided that I would like to learn the trade +of a bishop. I read of the death of a bishop the other day who was worth +half a million dollars, and now you must tell me how to become a bishop, +like Newman,” and the boy laughed as though he had got the old man in a +tight place. + +“Well,” said Uncle Ike, after stopping to think a moment, “you might +do worse. Do you know, boy, that Bishop Newman, who died recently, +did learn a trade? Well, he did. When he was a boy, he seemed to be a +no-account sort of a duck, some like you. His parents were poor, and +lived in the slums of New York. His hair was some the color of yours, +and he loafed around, and made fun of his old uncle, no doubt, the same +as you do. He had to do something to help earn the bread and beer for +the family, and so he went to work stripping tobacco in a factory near +his home. Somehow he got vaccinated with a desire to learn something, +and after he had stripped tobacco, and snuffed it, and got some sense in +his head, he began to learn to read. A girl stripper taught him first to +read the labels on packages of tobacco, and taught him to spell. Then he +got a taste for education, and became the smarty of the factory, and +the boys who could not read called him 'snuff,' because his hair and +freckles were the color of Scotch snuff. Some white man connected with +the factory saw that the little rat had stuff in him, and he helped +him to get an education, and he stripped tobacco daytimes and studied +nights, and became a preacher, and finally a bishop. So, you smarty, +if you want to learn the trade of a bishop, strip the wrapper off +that package of tobacco and fill my pipe. Who knows but Bishop Newman +stripped the very tobacco I am smoking now?” and the old man puffed and +laughed at the boy. + +“Gosh! it smells old enough to have been stripped when the bishop was a +boy,” said the red-headed boy, and then he dodged behind a table, while +Uncle Ike tried to catch him and teach him how to be a bishop. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +Uncle Ike stood with his pipe in his left hand, his thumb pressing the +tobacco down tight, and with a match in his right hand, just ready to +scratch it on his leg, when he froze stiff in that position, and never +moved for five minutes, as he watched the red-headed boy, who had walked +into the room listlessly, his eyes staring at a picture he held in his +hand, his face so pale that the freckles looked large and dark, his lips +white as chalk, his cheeks sunken, his fingers gripping the picture, a +faded and forlorn pansy in his buttonhole, and his short clipped hair +standing up straight in rows like red beet tops in a vegetable garden. + +“Anybody very dead?” said Uncle Ike, as he drew the match across the +cloth, put it to his pipe, and began to swell out his cheeks and puff, +keeping his eye on the boy, through the smoke, who had taken his eyes +from the picture, drawn a deep sigh, and sat down on the lounge, as +though he never expected to get up again. + +“No, nobody dead,” said the boy, as he laid his head on a sofa pillow, +closed his eyes, and placed the picture inside his vest. “But I wish +there was. I wish I was dead.” + +“How many times have I told you to put oil on cucumbers, and they +wouldn't gripe you that way?” said Uncle Ike, as he drew a chair up +beside the lounge and felt of the boy's pulse, and took his handkerchief +and wiped the perspiration off his forehead, and finally took the +picture out of his bosom and looked at it. + +[Illustration: She is a nice, warm-looking girl 085] + +“She is a nice, warm-looking girl, but you might have the picture on +your stomach a week, and it wouldn't draw that colic out of you,” and +Uncle Ike gazed with some admiration on the picture of the beautiful +girl, whose high forehead, bright eyes, and beautiful chin, showed that +she had the making of a rare and radiant woman. + +“'Tain't colic, and I haven't et no cucumbers,” said the boy, as he +rolled his eyes up toward the roof of his head. “It's love, that's what +it is, and I am miserable, and Aunt Almira said you had been in love +over six hundred times, and could tell me what to do.” + +“Well, I like your Aunt Almira's nerve,” said Uncle Ike, as he looked +half pleased at the accusation. “Of course, I have had some encounters +with the fair sex, but I have never entirely collapsed, the way you +have. What's the symptoms? Don't the girl love you?” + +“Yes! Gosh, she idolizes me,” said the boy, sitting up, and getting a +little color in his face. + +“Oh, then you don't love her,” said Uncle Ike, probing into the wound. + +“It's false,” said the boy, getting on his feet and standing before the +old man in indignation. “I love the very ground she walks on. Say, when +I walk a few blocks with her, and can't see her again for a week, I go +around the other six days and look at the boards she walked on, and it +makes me mad to see anybody else walking where she did. I want to get +rich enough to buy all the houses we have walked by, and the street +cars we have rode in. Love her? Say, you don't know anything about love, +Uncle Ike. The love you used to have was old style, and didn't strike +in.” + +“Oh, I don't know,” said Uncle Ike, “its all about the same. Was the +same in Bible times, and will be the same hundreds of years hence, +when we conquer the Philippines. Same old thing. Nobody invents any new +symptoms in the love industry. There may be new languages to express +it in, but it is just plain, every-day love. But if you both love each +other, what is the use of all this colic?” + +“Why, you see, she has to dissemble. That's what she says. She can't go +with me all the time, and when I see her with anybody else it seems as +though it would kill me. I know she does not smile at anybody else the +way she does at me, but the condum fools might think she did, and love +her. I know if one of those ducks should squeeze her hand, she would +be mad, and cuff him, but I could squeeze her hand till her fingers +cracked, and she would enjoy it.” + +“I see,” said Uncle Ike, smoking right along. “You are like a man who +owns the most beautiful diamond in the world, and is not allowed for +some reason to be known as its owner, but is allowed to wear it only two +hours a week, and then other people are allowed to wear it. You know it +is yours, and yet when it is in the possession of others, you don't dare +go and claim it, and they wear it as though they own it, and people see +it in their possession and admire it, as it sparkles and throws rays of +sunshine, and think how lucky is the man who wears it. Isn't that about +your idea? She is yours, body and soul, but has not been delivered to +you, eh?” + +“Sure! That's it, exactly. What shall I do, Uncle Ike?” + +“Shut up!” said the old man; “that is what you want to do. Brace up; +you have no cause to worry. I can tell by that face of hers. When she is +going with other boys, as she must, she is thinking of you all the time, +and wishing your red head was in place of that of the kid who is buying +ice-cream soda for her. When she walks about the streets she is thinking +of when you were with her at the same place. And when you are permitted +to pass an hour with her she will convince you in a minute that you are +all the world to her, and that the other ducks are not in it. I can +tell by her eyes, boy, and her mouth, and her whole face, that she is a +thoroughbred.” + +“Well, I swan, Uncle Ike, you are better than a doctor,” and the +red-headed boy began to hug the old man, and dance around, and kick +high, and he took the picture and looked at it, and said: “Nobody but a +chump would doubt that girl,” and the boy suddenly became himself again, +reassured as to the position he held in the mind of his girl, by a few +words of kindly advice at the right time, when the boy was on the verge +of suicide. He laughed and pinched himself to be sure he was awake, and +then took on a serious look and said: “Uncle Ike, do you think it will +take two hundred years, honestly, to subjugate the Filipinos, and tame +them, so that they will eat out of our hands?” + +“Well, we ought to do it in half the time the Spaniards have been trying +and failed,” said the old man, as he slapped a mosquito that was eating +him. “There, you see that mosquito is dead. No doubt about that, is +there? But what effect does the death of that mosquito have on the nine +or ten million of his race that are out here in the woods? This one +simply got through the screen, and bucked up against a sure thing, +and his bravery, or gall, got him killed, and I may think I am a hero +because I killed him. But let me take my gun and go out in the woods, or +on the marsh, where there are a million mosquitos to one of me, and what +kind of a life will they let me lead? I should have to be slapping and +kicking all the time, and couldn't attend to my shooting. It is just so +with those Filipinos. They will stay in the jungles and breed, and enjoy +the malaria and the rainy season, and a few will go around the camps and +sing their songs, and keep the soldiers awake, and bite and poison +them, and shoot and stab, and when the soldiers chase them they will +go farther into the jungle, harass the flanks of the boys that are +discouraged, and when another year is gone there will be more Filipinos +than there are now, better armed, and hating the Americans worse than +ever.. We may take towns, hold them if we have troops enough, and start +a new graveyard at every place we try to hold, and when we give it up +and go away, the human mosquitos will return buzzing and biting, and +they will dig up the remains of some mother's boy, just to get the +gold filling out of his teeth. If the war keeps on a few hundred years, +instead of one large cemetery at Manila, that can be watched and kept +a sacred spot, we shall have hundreds of small graveyards all over the +archipelago, where the boys in blue that are buried will find it mighty +lonesome when we take the living soldiers away. No, boy, it will not +take two hundred years to subdue the Filipinos. That is, we will not be +working at the job that long, because we are not built that way. If we +find we have got into a hornet's nest, and that the hornets don't +have any honey, anyway, and that we don't need hornets in our regular +business, somebody in authority will be apt to know when we have got +enough, and we will probably shake the dice with some nation that is +so addicted to gambling that it had as soon shake dice for hornets as +anything, and we will let them play loaded dice on us, and shake sixes, +and we will turn up deuces and trays, and let them win the condemned +mess of hornets that didn't give honey, and that have nothing but +stings, and wish whoever wins the hornets much joy. Understand me, boy, +I am not saying anything against the policy of our administration, if it +has got one, and I will hold up my hands and root for the army as long +as it is in the game, and will encourage the President all I can to do +what he thinks is right, but I shall always feel that Spain sold him a +gold brick for 20,000,000 plunks, and that he has not yet found out that +it is made of brass. I know the tobacco trust, and the cordage trust, +and lots of other trusts that are interested, are trying to make him +believe that the gold brick he bought is good stuff, and that he must +protect it, or some other nation will get it away from him, but you wait +until that Scotch-Irish blood of the President begins to boil, when he +finds out that he has been bunkoed, and he will get those trust magnates +together some day, and he will get pale around the gills, and mad as a +wet hen, and he will say that he has heard about all the funeral dirges +on the longdistance telephone from Manila that he wants to hear, and +that the wails of the mourning mothers of the dying boys are keeping him +awake nights, and that he has got about enough, trying to put bells +on the Filipino wildcats, and that they can take the whole Philippine +archipelago and go plum to hades with it, for he is going to stop the +death rate, and get those boys home and set them to plowing corn.” + +“Oh, Uncle Ike, don't get excited. I only wanted to change the subject +from my own troubles to the troubles of our country,” and he went out +singing, “There's Only One Girl in All This World for Me,” while Uncle +Ike took off his collar and wiped the perspiration off his neck, and +fanned himself awhile, and then lit his pipe, smoked a spell, and +finally said: “Well, it is none of my condum business, anyway, I +s'pose.” + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +Uncle Ike was sitting in his room with a bath robe on, and his great, +big, bare feet in a tub of hot water, in which some dry mustard had been +sifted, and on a table beside him was a pitcher of hot lemonade, which +he was trying to drink, as it got cool enough to go down his neck +without scorching his throat. His head was hot, and he had evidently +taken a severe cold, and occasionally he would groan, when he moved his +body, and place his hand to the small of his back. His pipe and tobacco +were far away on the mantel, though he could smell them, and the odor so +satisfying to him when he was well, almost made him sick, and when the +red-headed boy came in the room the first thing the old man said was: + +“Take that dum pipe and terbacker out of the room, and put it in the +woodshed. Your Uncle Ike ain't enjoyin' his terbacker very well,” + and the old fellow made up a face, and looked as though he was on a +steamboat excursion in rough weather. The boy took the pipe by the tail, +and the tobacco paper in his other hand, and went out, and soon returned +with a heavy blanket coat on, a pair of felt boots, and a toboggan +knit-cap, and a pair of yarn mittens on, though it was late in July, and +the weather was quite hot. Uncle Ike looked at him in wonder, as though +he was not sure but it was winter, and he was so ill as not to know that +summer and fall had passed without his knowing it. + +“What you got them sliding-down-hill clothes on for, in July?” said the +old man, as he put one puckered-up bare foot on the other, in the water, +and sozzled them around in the mustard in the bottom of the tub. “You +will have me sunstruck yet, if you wear those clothes around here. What +is up, anyway?” + +[Illustration: A lot of us boys are going to the Klondike 093] + +“A lot of us boys are going to the Klondike,” said the red-headed boy, +as he took a big hunting knife out of a sheath, “and I came in to see +if you would grubstake me. We have been reading about the millions of +dollars in gold nuggets and dust, that is being brought out, and we are +going to have some of the gold. Want your corns cut?” said the boy, as +he sharpened the knife on Uncle Ike's boot that lay on the floor. + +“You ducks have been reading about the gold that has been brought out, +but you forgot to read about the corpses that stayed in the Klondike, +didn't you?” said the old man as he took a drink of the hot lemonade, +and pulled the bathrobe around his hind legs. “You tell the boys you are +not going, and that Uncle Ike will not grubstake you. Tell them you have +found out that for every dollar in gold that comes out of the mines, +a hundred dollars is spent to find it. Tell them that not one man in a +hundred that goes there ever sees anything yellow, except the janders. +Tell them that seven out of ten men either freeze to death, or die of +disease, or starve to death, and that every trail in Alaska is marked +with graves of just such fools as you boys. Tell them that they can make +more money selling picture books at a blind asylum, or tin trumpets at +a deaf and dumb school, than they could by digging gold in the Klondike, +and that you are going to stay home. Now take off that uniform and get +down on your knees and rub my feet dry,” and the old man drew one foot +out of the tub and rested it on the edge, while the boy took a Turkish +towel that looked like a piece of tripe, and began polishing the foot, +like a bootblack. + +“Gosh, but one of your feet would make about six the size of my girl's +feet,” said the boy, as he fixed the old man up, and helped him onto a +lounge, where he stretched out and went to sleep. For an hour the boy +watched the old man, and listened to his snore, and finally he got a +gutta-percha bug out of his fishing tackle, and when Uncle Ike woke up +and began to stretch the boy said: “Uncle Ike, I have saved your life. +This kissing bug was just ready to pounce, on you, and poison you, when +I grabbed it and killed it. See!” and he held up the bug. + +“Yes, I see,” said Uncle Ike, as he rubbed his eyes, and looked at the +kissing bug. “You examine it close, right by the tail, and you will find +a trout hook. I used to catch a great many trout with that bug,” and +Uncle Ike got up and stretched his limbs, and found that his cold was +gone, and he was well enough, and he dressed himself and began to act +natural, and after the boy had looked him over, and marveled at the +sudden cure, he said: + +“Uncle Ike, you have deceived me. I thought you was on your last legs, +and I was going to have a serious talk with you. Heretofore, when I have +tried to talk serious with you, you have turned everything into fun, but +now I want a serious opinion from you. What would you think of my going +out on a farm and learning to be a farmer? I ride by farms and see +farmers and boys at work, or lying in the shade, or drinking out of a +jug, or sitting on loads of hay, or riding a horse plowing corn, and it +seems to me they have an easy life, and they must make money; and if I +can't enlist to fight Filipinos, nor go to the Klondike, I want to be +a farmer. What do you think, Uncle Ike?” and the boy looked up into the +old man's face appealingly. + +“Well, bring back that pipe and terbacker, and I will tell you all +about farming, for I was brung up on a farm till I was busted.” The boy +brought in the smoke consumer, and after the old man had puffed a few +times, and found it did not make him sick, he continued: “In the first +place, you are getting too old to learn farming. When city people have +a call to farm it, they buy a farm, put up a windmill, get plumbers +out from town, put in a bathtub with hot and cold water, and buy some +carriages with high backs, and go in for enjoyment, regardless of the +price of country produce. They put in hammocks and lawn tennis, and +the young people wear knickerbockers and white canvas dresses, and roll +their pants up, and all that. There is no money in farming that way. +Now, you have got your city habits formed; you don't get up in the +morning till after 7, and you have to take a bath, and have fresh +underclothes frequently. You would want to lay in the shade too much and +ride on the hay. Did it ever occur to you that before you could ride on +the hay it has to be cut, and cured, and cocked up, and raked around? +It takes a whole lot of backaches to get a load of hay ready for you to +ride on. Now, you are going on 20 years old. If you had been born on a +farm, you would be just about ready to quit it and come to town to learn +something else. You would have a stomach full of farming, for you would +have worked about twelve years, day and night; your hands would be +muscular, and you would have callouses inside of them. You go out on a +farm now, at your age, and when you get the first blister on your hands +you want to send for a doctor, and you throw up the job and come back on +my hands. Suppose you started out next Monday morning to learn to be a +farmer. Let me make out a programme for you. You would go to bed Sunday +night at 9 o'clock, and lay awake thinking of the glory of a farmer's +life, and at 3 a. m. you would go to sleep, and at 4 you would hear the +door to the attic open, and a voice that would sound like an auctioneer +would yell to you to come down and get to work. You couldn't argue the +case with the farmer, as you do with me when I try to get you up early +to go fishing; and you would get up and put on a pair of cowhide shoes, +brown overalls, a hickory shirt with bed-ticking suspenders, and you +would go out into a barnyard that smelled like fury, and milk nine or +fifteen cows on an empty stomach; and while another hired man was taking +the milk to a creamery, you would see that it was not daylight yet, but +you would go in the kitchen and eat a slice of pork, and hurry about it, +and then you would curry off the horses, and help hitch the team to a +reaper; and just as it was getting light enough to see things, you would +go out to a wheat field, and, after the old man had cut two or three +swaths around the field, several of you would turn in to bind up the +bundles. They would show you how, and then they would see that you did +your share of work. + +“You would hustle for about four hours, and you would be so hungry it +wouldn't be safe for a dog to come around you, and you would drink warm +water out of a jug till your stomach ached, and you would wonder if it +was not almost supper time, and if you looked at your watch you would +find it was only about 9 o'clock in the morning, with three more solid +hours of work before dinner time. When the horn blew for dinner you +would just be able to climb on one of the horses to ride to the house, +and the harness would take the skin off your elbows. When you got to +the house you would want to lay down and die, but you would have to pull +water up in buckets to water the horses, and go up in the hay mow and +throw down hay and carry oats to them, and when you went in to dinner +you would feel as though you could eat a ten course banquet, but you +would find that it was washing day, and they didn't do any cooking, and +you would eat a bowl of bread and milk, and chew about a bushel of young +onions, and when you were filled up and wanted to lie down and go to +sleep, and die, the old man would tell you to hustle out and hitch up +that team, and you would be so lame you couldn't ride on top of a hard +farm harness, and you would walk to the field, your heavy shoes wearing +the skin off your ankles, and the old machine would begin to stutter and +rattle, and you would go to work binding bundles at 1 o'clock and work +till dark, because it looked as though it was going to rain, and when +you got the chores done, milked the cows, bedded down the horses, +carried in wood to the kitchen and a few things like that, and they told +you supper was ready, you would say you would rather go to bed than eat, +and you would go up in the attic and fall on the bed, and go to sleep +and dream of your Uncle Ike. Do you know where I would find you next? +You would come into town on an early freight train Tuesday morning, and +show up about breakfast time, and you would hunt the bathtub, and if +any man ever talked farming to you again, you would be sassy to him. No, +boy, the city man or boy is not intended for a farmer, but the farmer +boy is intended for the city, when he gets enough of the farm. About so +much farming has got to be done, but it will be done by those who are +brought up to it, and who know that every minute has got to be used +to produce something, that the appetite must be satisfied easily and +cheaply, and that everything on the farm must be of marketable value, +and nothing must be bought that can be dispensed with, and that +everybody must work or give a good reason for not working. The pleasure +of farming is largely in anticipation. The big crops and big prices +are always coming next year. You would be about as good at farming as +I would at preaching,” and Uncle Ike gradually ceased speaking, like an +old clock that is running down, and ticking slower and slower, and then +he fell asleep in his chair, and the red-headed boy sat and thought of +what had been said, and looked at his hands as though he expected to +find a blister, and smelled of them to see if he had actually been +milking cows, and then he rolled over on the lounge and went to sleep, +and the two snored a match. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +[Illustration: I heard a rumor about you yesterday 101] + +“Uncle Ike, I heard a rumor about you yesterday that tickled me almost +to death,” said the red-headed boy, as he came into the old gentleman's +room while he was shaving, and the boy took the lather brush and worked +it up and down in the cup until the lather run over the side, and he had +lather enough on hand to shave half the men in town. + +“What was it?” said the old man, as he puckered his mouth on one side, +and opened it so he could shave around the corner of his mouth. “Nothing +disreputable, is it; nothing to bring disgrace on the family?” and he +wiped the razor on a piece of newspaper, and stropped it on his hand, +as he looked in the mirror to see if there were any new wrinkles in his +face. + +“Well, I don't know as it would disgrace us so very much, if you looked +out for yourself, and didn't steal,” said the boy, as he began to +sharpen his knife on Uncle Ike's razor strop. “There is a rumor among +the boys that you may be nominated for President, and a lot of us boys +got together and took a vote, when we were in swimming, and you were +elected unanimously. I am to be the boss who deals out the offices, and +all the boys are going to have a soft snap. Before the thing goes +any further the boys wanted me to see you, and have you promise that +anything I promised should be good, see?” + +“Uncle Ike, I heard a rumor about you yesterday that tickled me most to +death.” + +“Well, you are a dum nice lot of politicians, to work up this boom for +me, without my consent,” and the old man put up his razor, and began +to wash the lather off his face, and while he was rubbing his red and +laughing face with a towel, he said: “If I am elected President, and +I want you to understand that I have not yet consented to take the +nomination, I would, the first thing I did, have all my relatives either +sent to jail, or confined in various asylums of one kind or another. I +think I would send you to a home for the feeble-minded.” + +“What's the matter with relatives?” said the boy, as he took the razor, +and searched around on his lip for some hairs, and finally got hold of +one, and the razor pulled it so hard the tears came in his eyes; “seems +to me a President with all his relatives in jail would be looked upon as +a disgrace to society.” + +“Well, I wouldn't care,” said the old man, as he struggled to make +a fourteen-inch collar button on to a sixteen-inch shirt, and nearly +choked himself before he found out he had got the boy's collar by +mistake. “I have watched this President business a good many years, and +have concluded that the most of the trouble a President has is through +fool relatives. Look at Grant. You couldn't throw a stone in Washington +without hitting a relative, and they got into more scrapes, and dragged +Grant into more disgrace, and fool schemes, than anything. There wasn't +offices enough for all of them, and some had to live in other ways, +which didn't help Ulysses very much. Harrison never had any pleasure +until he had an operation performed on his son to remove his talking +utensils. That boy would be interviewed and jollied, and he would tell +more things that were not so, about pa's policy, than the President +could stand. But a brother is the worst relative a President can have, +if he is a half-way lawyer. A President cannot kill a brother that is +older than he is, and can't prevent his being retained, and can't keep +his brother's fingers out of all the contracts, and his being attorney +for contractors, and can't tell him to keep away from the White House, +and don't dare to tell his brother not to go around looking wise, as +though he was running the whole administration. No, sir; there ought to +be a law that when a man is elected President, all male relatives +that are old enough to talk, should have their mouths sewed up, and be +compelled to put on gloves that are fastened with a time lock, so they +couldn't get their hands into anything that would bring disgrace on +the chief magistrate. Now, if you boys want me for President, with this +understanding, that you shall all keep away from me after the 4th of +March, and never let anybody know that you ever heard of me, and that +you will never write me even a postal card, why, you can go ahead +with your boom,” and the old man tied his necktie so it looked like a +scrambled egg, and he and the boy went in to breakfast, the boy opening +the outside door and whistling a weird whistle, which brought three boys +up on the porch, when he said to them: + +“By the way, that presidential boom for Uncle Ike is off. Don't let the +gang do another thing. He is a lobster,” and the boys went out into the +world looking for another candidate, followed by a dog that jumped up +and down in front of them as though he could lead them to a presidential +candidate or a wood-chuck hole mighty quick. + +“Speaking of dogs,” said Uncle Ike, as he and the boy sat down to +breakfast, and the other boys went out on the street to wait for the +red-headed boy to finish eating, “where you boys going?” + +“Just going to follow the dog,” said the warm-haired proposition, as he +kicked because the melon was not ripe. “Did you ever drown out a gopher, +Uncle Ike?” + +“Bet your life,” said Uncle Ike, as he dished out enough food for the +boy to have fed an orphan asylum. “Oh, I had a dog once that knew more +than an alderman. Do you know, boy, that a dog is the best thing a boy +can associate with? A boy never does anything very mean, if he has a dog +that loves him. Many a time I have been just about ready to do a mean +trick, when the dog would sit down in front of me, and look up into my +eyes in an appealing way, and raise up one ear at a time and drop it, +and raise the other, and he would jump up on me and lick my hand, and +seem to say, 'Don't,' and, by gosh! I didn't. Say, if a mean boy has a +dog that loves him, the dog is better than he is, and the boy is careful +about doing mean things, for fear he will shame the dog. I don't suppose +a dog will get to heaven, but, if his master goes to heaven, the dog is +mighty likely to lay down on the outside of the pearly gates, and just +starve to death, waiting to hear the familiar whistle of his master, +who is enjoying himself inside. Now, let's go out on the porch while I +smoke;” and the old man led the way, and lighted up the old churn, and +puffed away a while, and the boy was in a hurry to get away with the +other boys; and finally the boys came up on the porch, and the dog went +up to Uncle Ike and licked his hand, as though he knew the old man was +a friend of dogs and boys. “What's this scar on his nose? Woodchuck bite +him?” + +“Yes, sir,” said one of the boys. “And this one on the under lip?” said +the old man. “Looks like a gopher had took a bite out of that lip.” + +“That's what it was,” said another boy, and they all laughed to think +that a dignified old man like Uncle Ike could tell all about the scars +on a cheap dog. “Well, boys, I won't detain you if you are going out to +exercise the dog on woodchucks or gophers. But let me tell you this,” + and he puffed quite a little while on the pipe, and seemed to be harking +away back to the bark of the dog friend of his boyhood, and the boys +could almost see the dirt flying out of an old-time woodchuck hole +as the dog of Uncle Ike's memory was digging and biting at roots, and +snarling at a woodchuck that was safe enough away down below the ground. +“Let me tell you something. You want to play fair with the dog. A +dog has got more sense than some men. He can tell a loafer, after one +wood-chuck hunt. The boy who gets interested when the clog is digging +out a woodchuck, gets down on his knees and pushes the dirt away, and +pats the dog, and encourages him, and when he comes to a root, takes his +knife and cuts it away, is the thoroughbred that the dog will tie to; +but the boy who sits in the shade and sicks the dog on, and don't help, +but bets they don't get the woodchuck, and when the dog and his working +partner pulls the woodchuck out, gets up out of the shade and begins to +talk about how we got the woodchuck, is the loafer. He is the kind of +fellow who will encourage others to enlist and go to war, in later life, +while he stays home and kicks about the way the war is conducted, and +shaves mortgages on the homes of soldiers, and forecloses them. That +kind of a boy will be the one who will lie in the shade when he grows +up, and not work in the sun. Didn't you ever see a dog half-way down a +woodchuck hole, kicking dirt into the bosom of the boy's pants who is +backing him, suddenly back out of the hole, wag his tail and wink his +eyes, full of dirt, at the boy who is working the hole with him, and +then run out his tongue and loll, and look at the fellows who are +sitting around waiting for the last act, in the shade, and say to them, +as plain as a dog can talk, 'You fellows make me tired. Why don't you +get some style about you, and come in on this game on the ground floor?' +and then he gets rested a little, and you say, 'dig him out,' and he +swallows a big sigh at their laziness, and goes down in the hole and +digs and growls so the lazy boys think he has forgotten that they are +deadheads in the enterprise, but the dog does not forget.” + +“Well, I swow, if your Uncle Ike ain't away up in G on woodchuck +hunting,” said one of the neighbor boys as they all sat around the old +man, with their eyes wide open. “How about drowning out a gopher?” + +“Same thing, exactly,” said Uncle Ike, as he filled up the pipe again, +and lit it, and run a broom straw through the stem, to give it air. “The +dog watches the hole, and keeps tab on the boys who carry water. You +have got to keep the water going down the gopher hole, and you got to +work like sixty. Gophers know better than to have holes too near the +water, and the dog knows what boy flunks after he carries one pail of +water, and says, 'Oh, darn a gopher anyway; I hain't lost no gopher,' +and goes and sits down and lets the other boys carry water. The dog +knows that the boy who keeps carrying water and pouring it in the hole +is the thoroughbred, and that the quitter has got a streak of yellow in +him. When the hole is filled up with water, and the gopher comes to the +surface, and the dog grabs for it, and the boy who took off his clothes +and carried water also grabs, and either the dog or the boy gets bit, +usually the boy, the dog knows that the boy who worked with him on that +gopher hole has got the making of a good business man in him. A business +or professional career, boys, is just like digging out a woodchuck, or +drowning out a gopher, and the fellows who help the dog when they are +boys, are the ones who are mighty apt to get the business woodchuck when +they grow up. I will bet you ten dollars that if you pick out the most +successful business man in town, and go look at his left thumb nail, you +will find a scar on it where a half-drowned gopher bit him, because he +was at the hole at the right time. Now, go and have fun, and be sure and +play fair with the dog,” and Uncle Ike took down a broom and shook it at +them as they scattered down the street, the dog barking joyously. + +“I speak for carrying the water to drown out the gopher!” yelled the +red-headed boy. + +“Me, too!” shouted the other boys in chorus, as they disappeared from +sight, and Uncle Ike listened until they were out of hearing, and then +he limped down to the gate and looked up the road toward the country, +but all he could see was a cloud of dust with a dog in it, and he walked +back to the house sadly, and as he lifted the lame leg upon the porch, +and took his hat, he said: + +“Blamed if I don't hitch up the mare and drive out there where those +boys have gone. I'll bet I know woodchuck holes and gopher holes them +kids never would find if they had a whole passel of dogs,” and he went +out to the barn and pretty soon Aunt Almira heard him yell, “Whoa, gosh +darn ye, take in that bit!” and she put on her sunbonnet and went out to +the barn to see if he had actually gone crazy. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +“What you scratching yourself on the chest for?” said Uncle Ike, as the +red-headed boy stood with one hand inside his vest, digging as though +his life depended on his doing a good job. “Is there anything the matter +with you that soap and water will not cure?” and the old man punched the +boy in the ribs with a great big, hard thumb, as big as a banana. + +“Uncle Ike, how long will a porous plaster stay on, and isn't there +any way to stop its itching? I have had one on for seventeen days and +nights, and it seems to be getting worse all the time,” said the boy, as +he dug away at his chest. + +“Good heavens, take it off quick!” said Uncle Ike, as he laid his +lighted pipe down on the table, on a nice, clean cloth, and the +ashes and fire spilled out, and burned a hole in it. “You will die of +mortification. Those plasters are only intended to be used as posters +for a day or two. What in the name of common sense have you worn it +seventeen days for? Let's rip it off.” + +“No, I have got to wear it eighteen days more,” said the boy, with a +look of resignation. “Now, don't laugh, Uncle Ike, will you? You see my +girl has gone to the seashore to be gone five weeks, and she gave me a +tintype and told me to wear it next my heart till she got back, and I +thought I could get it nearer my heart by putting it right against the +skin, and putting a porous plaster over it, and by gum, I can feel her +on my heart every minute. Now don't laugh, Uncle.” + +[Illustration: Here, this plaster has got to be removed 111] + +“Well, I guess not,” said Uncle Ike, as he put out the fire on the +table-cloth, and smoked a little while to settle his thoughts. “Here, +this plaster has got to be removed before the fatal day of her return, +or you will be holding down a job as a red-headed angel. Now, open your +shirt,” and the old man reached in and got a corner of the plaster, and +gave a jerk that caused every hair on the boy's head to raise up and +crack like a whiplash, while the tintype of the girl, covered with +crude India rubber and medicated glue, dropped on the floor, and the boy +turned pale and yelled bloody murder. “Now, don't ever do that again. +A picture in your inside pocket is near enough to the heart for all +practical purposes. Next, you will be swallowing her picture in the hope +that it will lodge near your heart. Now I got something serious to talk +with you about. One of the park policemen was here this morning looking +for you. He said some of you boys just raised merry hades at the park +concert last night. What did you do?” + +“Just flushed quails,” said the boy, as he buttoned his shirt, and gave +the sore spot a parting dig. “We played we were hunting quail, and we +had more fun than you ever saw.” + +“There are no quail in the park,” said Uncle Ike, as he looked curiously +at the boy through the smoke. + +“Here, this plaster has got to be removed before the fatal day of her +return,” and puffed until his cheeks sank in, and the tears came to his +eyes. “What is this quail fable, anyway?” + +“You see,” said the boy, as he took a piece of ice out of the water +pitcher and held it in his bosom, where the plaster came off, “when +there is an evening concert at the park, the boys and girls go off in +couples and sit under the trees in the dark, or on the grass, where no +one can see them very well, and they take hold of hands and put their +arms around each other, and all the time they are scared for fear they +will be caught, and ordered to quit. Well, us boys go around in the +dark, and when we see a couple in that way, one boy comes to a point, +like a dog, another boy walks up to the couple and flushes them, and as +they get up quick to go somewhere else, I blow up a paper bag and bust +it, and they start off on a run. Say, Uncle Ike, it is fun. We chased +one couple clear to the lake.” + +“You did, did you, you little imp?” said the old man, as his sympathies +were aroused for the young people who were disturbed at a critical time. +“Don't let me ever hear of your flushing any more couples, or I'll flush +you the first time I catch you with your girl. How would you like to be +flushed? The parks are the only places many young people have to talk +love to each other, and it is cruel to disturb them by bursting paper +bags in their vicinity. If I was mayor I would build a thousand little +summer houses in the parks, just big enough for a poor young couple to +sit in, and talk over the future, and I would set policemen to watch out +that nobody disturbed them, and if one of you ducks come along, I would +have you thrown in the lake. The idea of a boy who is in love the way +you pretend to be, having no charity for others, makes me sick, I'll bet +none of those you flushed last night had it so bad they had tintypes +of the girls glued on their hearts with a porous plaster. Bah! you +meddler!” and the old man stamped his foot on the floor, and the boy +looked ashamed. + +“Well, that's the last time I will mix in another fellow's love affair,” + said the boy, as he climbed up on Uncle Ike's knee. + +“Now, I want to talk to you seriously,” said the boy, as he looked up +into Uncle Ike's round, smooth, red and smiling face. “Us boys have been +reading about the serious condition of our country, when its wealthy +citizens are leaving it and going abroad to live. Do you think, uncle, +that William Waldorf Astor's deserting this country, and joining +England, is going to cause this country to fail up in business? In case +of war with England, do you think he would fight this country?” + +“Well, you kids can borrow more trouble about this poor old country of +ours than the men who own it can borrow. Astor! Why, boy, his deserting +his country will have about as much effect as it would for that man +working in the street to pack up his household goods and move to +Indiana. Do you suppose this state would tip up sideways if he should +quit running that scraper and move out of the state? Not much. The +Astors have been rich so long that they are un-American. It is not the +natural condition of an American to be rich. When a man gets too rich, +he is worried as to what to do with his money. There is no great +enjoyment that the very rich can have in this country that the poor +cannot have a little of. The first thing a very rich man acquires is a +bad stomach. He becomes too lazy to' take exercise, and lets a hired man +take exercise for him. He looks at his money, and thinks of his stomach. +In Astor's case there was nothing in this country that he could enjoy, +not even sleep. Nobody respected him any more than they did every other +honest man. Only a few toadies would act toward him as though he was a +world's wonder, on account of his wealth. People with souls, and health, +and good nature, in the West, got rich as he, and went to New York, and +knew how to spend money and have fun, and do good with it; and Astor +couldn't understand it. He wanted to be considered the only, but he +never had learned how to blow in money to make others happy. If he gave +to the poor, an agent did it for him, and squeezed it, and made a +memorandum and showed it to him once a year, and he frowned, and his +stomach ached, and he took a pill, and sighed. I suppose two girls from +California, daughters of an old Roman of the mines and the railroads, +who died too soon, a senator with a soul, taught Astor how to do good +with money, and maybe scared him out of the country. Those girls seemed +to, know where there was a chance for suffering among the poor, and they +kept people in their employ on the run to get to places before the bread +was all gone, until half a million of the people that only knew there +was an Astor by the signs on buildings for rent, knew these Fair girls +by sight, and worshiped them as they passed. The girls are married now, +but they give just the same, and wherever they are in the world there is +the crowd, and there is the love of those who believe them angels. Astor +could not find any one to love him for any good he ever did that did not +have rent or interest as the object, and he went away where a man is +respected in a half-way manner, in proportion to the money he spends on +royalty, in imitating royalty, and he will run a race there, and get +tired of it; and some day, if he lives, he will come back to this +country in the steerage, as his ancestors did, and take out his first +papers and vote, and maybe he will be happy. The only way for a rich man +to be very happy is to find avenues for getting his congested wealth off +his mind, where it will cause some one who is poor and suffering to look +up to him, and say that riches have not spoiled him. But to inherit +money and go through life letting it accumulate, and not finding any +avenue where it can leak out and be caught in the apron of a needy soul, +is tough. No, you boys need not worry about the desertion of Astor. If +we have a war with Great Britain, you would find Astor taking a night +trip across the channel, and France would draw him in the lottery. One +foreigner who landed in this country the day Astor sailed away, will be +of more value in peace or war than Astor could be if he had remained.” + +“Gosh!” said the boy, as he got up out of Uncle Ike's lap, “if you +are not a comfort! Between that porous plaster, and Astor's going to +England, and my girl at the seashore, I was about down with nervous +prostration, but I am all right now,” and the redheaded boy went out to +round up the gang and tell them the country was all safe enough, as long +as they had Uncle Ike to run it. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +“Well, you are a sight!” said Uncle Ike, as the red-headed boy came in +the room, all out of breath, his shirt unbuttoned and his hair wet and +dripping, and his face so clean that it was noticeable. “Why don't you +make your toilet before you come into a gentleman's room? Where you +been, anyway?” + +“Been in swimming at the old swimming hole,” said the boy, as he +finished buttoning his shirt, and sat down to put on his shoes and +stockings, which he had carried in his hat. “Had more fun than a barrel +of monkeys. Stole the clothes of a boy, and left him a paper flour sack +to go home in. Wait a minute and you will see him go by,” and the boy +rushed to the window and yelled to Uncle Ike to come and see the fun. + +[Illustration: Nothing on but a flour sack 119] + +Presently a boy came down the street from toward the river with nothing +on but a flour sack. He had cut holes in the bottom to put his feet +through, and pulled it up to his body, and the upper part covered +his chest to the arms, which were bare and sunburned, and the boy was +marching along the street as unconcerned as possible, while all who saw +him were laughing. + +“What did you do that for?” said Uncle Ike, as he called to the boy to +come in. + +“Just for a joke,” said the red-headed boy, laughing, and jollying the +boy dressed in the flour sack, as he came in at Uncle Ike's invitation. + +“Well, that is a good enough joke for two,” said Uncle Ike. “Now take +off your clothes and change with this boy, and put on the flour sack +yourself,” and he superintended the change, until the other boy had on a +full suit of clothes, and the red-headed boy had on the flour sack. “Now +I want you to go to the grocery and get me a paper of tobacco.” + +“O, gosh, I don't want to go out in the street with this flour sack on. +Some dog will chase me, and the people will make fun of me,” said the +boy, with an entirely new view of a practical joke. + +“But you go all the same,” said Uncle Ike, taking down a leather strap +that he sharpened his razor on, and driving the boy outdoors. “Bring +back this boy's clothes, also,” and he sat down and waited for the boy +to return. He came back after awhile with the tobacco and the clothes, +followed by a lot of other boys, and after the two had changed clothes, +and all had enjoyed a good laugh, Uncle Ike said: “Boys, playing +practical jokes is a good deal like jumping on a man when he is down. +You will notice that the weaker boy always has the joke played on him. +Boys always combine against the weak boy. The boy that can whip any of +you never has to wear a flour sack home from the swimming hole, does he? +Any joke that you can take turns at having played on you is fair, but +when you combine against the weak, you become a monopoly, or a trust. +When I was a boy we used to tie the clothes of the biggest and meanest +boy in knots, and if he couldn't take a joke we all turned in and mauled +him. After this, if there is to be any jokes, let the biggest boy take +his turn first, and then I don't care how soon the others take their +dose, but this trust business has got to be broke up,” and Uncle Ike +patted the boys, on the head and said they could go and have all the fun +they wanted to. + +“Speaking of trusts, Uncle Ike, I thought you said, a spell ago, that +the trusts would be brought up with a round turn,” said the red-headed +boy, reading, as he glanced at a heading in a morning paper, “but here +is an article says that a thousand million billion dollars have been +invested in trusts in New Jersey, and the manager of one of the biggest +trusts says nobody can do anything to stop them. He says: 'What are you +going to do about it?'” + +“Well,” said Uncle Ike, as he filled the air with strong tobacco smoke, +and his eyes snapped like they did when he was mad, “you wait. I am +older than you are. I remember when old Bill Tweed, the great robber of +New York, who had stolen millions of dollars from the city, and was in +his greatest power, became arrogant, and asked the people what they were +going to do about it. When people think they are invincible they always +ask what anybody is going to do about it. When a bully steps on the foot +of a quiet and inoffensive man, purposely to get into a row, he looks +at his victim in an impudent manner and says, 'What are you going to do +about it?' and the victim gets up deliberately and thrashes the ground +with the bully. The people got mad at Tweed when he said that, and they +chased him over the world, and landed him in the penitentiary, where +he died. That will be the fate of some of these trust magnates. The +foundation of the trust is corruption. Its trade mark was uttered years +ago by a great railroad man who said, 'The public be d----d.' That +expression is in the mind of every man connected with a trust. He turns +the thumbscrews on the public, raises prices, and if they complain, +he says, 'What are you going to do about it?' and if anybody says the +public cannot stand it, they say 'the public be blessed,' or the other +thing. Now, wait. The public will be making laws, and the first law +that is made will be one that sends a man to the penitentiary who robs +through a trust. If three men combine to rob it is a conspiracy. If +a hundred or a thousand combine to rob seventy million people, it is +treason. You wait, boys, and you will hear a noise one of these days +when the people speak, and you will hear trust magnates who fail to +get across the ocean before the tornado of public indignation strikes, +begging for mercy. Now, gosh blast you, run away. You have got me to +talking again,” and Uncle Ike lighted his pipe and shut up like a clam, +while the boys went out looking for trouble. + +Uncle Ike had been dozing and smoking, and fixing his fishing tackle, +and oiling his gun, and whistling, and trying to sing, all alone, for +an hour, after the boys had gone out to have fun, and when he saw them +coming in the gate, two of them carrying a big striped watermelon, and +the others watching that it did not fall on the ground, he was rather +glad the boys had come back, and he opened the door and went out on the +porch and met them. + +“S-h-h!” said the red-headed boy, as Uncle Ike thumped the melon with +his hard old middle finger, to see if it was ripe. “Don't say a word. +Let's get it inside the house, quick, and you carve it, Uncle,” and they +brought it in and laid it on the table, and the boys looked down the +street as though they were expecting some one. + +“We never used to ask any questions when I was a boy, when a melon +suddenly showed up, and nobody knew from whence it came,” said Uncle +Ike, as he put both hands on the melon and pressed down upon it, and +listened to it crack. “Do you know, if a person takes potatoes, or baled +hay, that does not belong to him, it is stealing, but if a melon elopes +with a boy, or several boys, the melon is always considered guilty of +contributory negligence,” and the old man laughed and winked at the +boys. “But a house is no place to eat a melon in, and a knife is not +good enough to cut a melon. Now, you fetch that melon out in the garden, +by the cucumber vines, and I will show you the conditions that should +surround a melon barbecue,” and the old man led the way to the garden, +followed by the boys, and he got them seated around in the dirt, with +the growing corn on one side, a patch of sunflowers on another, a +crabapple tree on one side, giving a little shade where they sat, and +the alley fence on the other. The boys were anxious to begin, and each +produced a toad-stabber, but Uncle Ike told them to put away the knives, +and said: + +“The only way to eat a melon is to break it by putting your knee on it, +and taking the chunks and running your face right down into it. A nigger +is the only natural melon eater. There,” said he, as he crushed the +brittle melon rind into a dozen pieces, and spread it open, red, and +juicy, and glorious. “Now 'fall in,' as we used to say in the army,” + and the boys each grabbed a piece and began to eat and drink out of the +rind, the juice smearing their faces and running down on their shirt +bosoms, and Uncle Ike taking a piece of the core in his hands and trying +to eat as fast as the boys did, the red and sticky juice trickling +through his fingers, and the pulp painting pictures around his dear old +mouth, and up his cheeks to his ears, while he tried to tell them of +a day during the war when he was on the skirmish line going through a +melon patch, and how the order came to lie down, and every last soldier +dropped beside a melon, broke it with his bayonet, and filled himself, +while the bullets whistled, and how they were all sick afterwards, and +had to go to the rear because the people who owned the melons had put +croton oil in them. + +“Gosh, but this is great!” said the red-headed boy, as he stopped eating +long enough to loosen his belt. + +“You bet!” said one of the other boys; “Uncle Ike is a James dandy,” + and he looked up and bowed to a boy with an apron on, who came into the +garden with a piece of paper in his hand, which he handed to Uncle Ike. + +“What is this, a telegram?” says Uncle Ike, as he takes it with his +sticky fingers and feels for his glasses. + +“No, it is the bill for the melon----50 cents,” said the grocer's boy. + +“Bunkoed, by gosh!” says Uncle Ike, as he looks around at the laughing +boys who have played it on him. + +“Don't ever ask where a melon comes from,” said the red-headed boy. + +“Sawed a gold brick on me, you young bunko-steerers,” says Uncle Ike, +as he wipes his hands on some mustard and feels in his pocket for the +change; “but it was worth it, by ginger,” and he pays for the melon, +they all go in the house and wash the melon off their hands and faces, +the old man lights his pipe and says: “Boys, come around here to-morrow +and play this trick on Aunt Almira, and I'll set up the root beer.” + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +“Say, where you been all day?” asked Uncle Ike of the red-headed boy, as +he showed up late in the afternoon, chewing a gob of gum so big that +it made his ear ache. “Here, I've been waiting all day for you, with +so many things on my mind to tell you about that I have had to make +memorandums,” and the old man took out his knife and shaved some tobacco +off a plug, rolled it in his hands and scraped it into the pipe, and +lit up for a long talk. + +“I been working,” said the boy, as he took some pieces of chocolate +out of his pocket and offered them to his uncle. “I am working for a +syndicate, and have got a soft snap, with all the money I can spend,” + and the boy shook the pennies in his pocket so they sounded like +emptying a collection plate. + +“Working for a syndicate, a-hem!” said the old man. “A syndicate is a +great thing, if you are the syndicate, but if you work for it you get +left, that's all. Now tell me about it. What you doing for a syndicate, +and who furnishes you the money to spend? Tell me, so I can see whether +it is honest. Somehow I can't feel that a syndicate means any good to a +boy.” + +“It is this way, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, as he threw away his gum +and took another stick out of his pocket, and chewed it until he fairly +drooled, “you know these slot machines in the depots and hotels, where +people put in a penny and pull out a knob and get a stick of gum or a +chocolate, or some peppermint drops. Well, the syndicate wants a boy +to go around and put in pennies, and get the prizes, when people are +looking on, so as to get them interested, so they will put in pennies, +see?” + +“Sure! You are a sort of capper for a gum bunko game, eh? Rope in the +people and get them next to a good thing,” said Uncle Ike, looking at +the boy over his glasses. “What particular talent does this new business +bring to the front? Do you make speeches to the people, encouraging +them to invest their hard-earned pennies in your great scheme for the +amelioration of the condition of the down-trodden, or what do you do? +Tell me how the thing works.” + +“Why, my work is all pantomime. The man who hired me said I had a face +that was worth a fortune. I go up to a slot machine, and act as though +I never saw such a thing before. Then I monkey around, and seem to be +puzzled, and my face looks serious, and the people in the depot waiting +for trains gather around and watch me, and when the jays are all ripe, +ready to pick, I put a penny in the slot, draw out a stick of gum, put +it in my mouth, and then I smile one of those broad smiles, like this, +and the people begin to put in pennies, and they surround the machine, +and money just flows in, until their train goes, when another crowd +comes in and I work them on the chocolate slot, and just blow in pennies +belonging to the syndicate that owns the machines. Oh, it's a great +snap, Uncle Ike. You ought to go into it,” and the boy threw away his +gum and went to eating chocolate. + +“Is that so? My face would be my fortune, too, would it?” said Uncle +Ike, who was beginning to show that he was mad. “And what salary does +the syndicate pay you for your valuable services as a piece of human fly +paper?” + +“O, they don't pay me any salary,” said the boy, as he took out a +handful of syndicate pennies and poured them from one hand into another, +to show the old man that he had wealth. “I don't ask anything for my +services. I just get pay in fun, and have all the gum, and chocolate, +and lemon drops that I can eat. The man told me it would be an +experience that would be valuable to me in after life, being in the eye +of the public, leading the people. He said this would be the making of +me, and open up a career that would astonish my friends. Don't you think +so, Uncle? Can't you see a change in me since I went to work for the +syndicate?” + +“Well, I don't know but I do,” said Uncle Ike, as he pondered over the +remarks of the boy. “You begin to look more bilious, probably on account +of the chocolate you have eaten, to deceive the people at the depot into +the idea that it is good stuff. And perhaps this experience will be the +opening of a career. If you can, by your actions, cause strangers to run +up against a slot machine, I don't see why you couldn't, in time, be a +pretty good capper for a three-card monte game, where you could pick +out the right card, and the jay loses his money. If this is the kind of +business you have selected for a career, it will not be long before you +will be in demand as a bunko-steerer. You would be invaluable, with +that innocent face of yours, in roping in strangers to a robbers' roost, +where they would be fleeced and thrown down stairs on their necks. +With about two days more experience on a slot machine, some gold-brick +swindler will come along and raise the syndicate out on your salary, +and put you on the road selling gold bricks. Starting in business as a +fakir, you will rise to become a barker for a sideshow, graduate into +bunko and gold bricks, and if you are not sent to the penitentiary, +there is a great opening for you as a promoter of a trust in the air we +breathe. We shall have to part company. My reputation is dear to me. +I have never turned a jack from the bottom when I had one to go in +seven-up, and to associate with a boy who will rope people to buy +mouldy gum, and be an advance agent of prosperity as recorded on a slot +machine, is too much, and I bid you good-bye. I have loved you, but +it was because you were innocent and tried to do the fair thing, +but--good-bye,” and the old man laid down his pipe, picked up his hat +and started for the door. + +“Hold on, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, taking the handful of pennies out of +his pocket and laying them on the table, “I didn't know it was so bad. I +won't do it any more. Come back, please.” + +“Well, I got to go downtown,” said the old man, “and I will be back in +an hour. In the meantime you write out a letter of resignation to the +syndicate. Say that you find a diet of decayed chocolate and glucose +candy is sapping the foundation of your manhood, and that your Uncle Ike +has offered you a position on the staff of a gold-brick syndicate,” and +the old man went out, leaving the boy to write his resignation. + +“Well, how is my decoy duck, and has he sent in his resignation?” said +the old man, as he came in a little later and found writing material and +pennies on the table, and the boy lying on the lounge looking pale and +sick. “What is this? Sick the first time you have to resign an office? +That won't do. You never will make a politician if you can't write out a +resignation without having it go to your head,” and the old man sat down +by the boy and found that he was as sick as a horse, his face white, and +cold perspiration on his upper lip among the red hairs, and on his brow +among the freckles. The boy's bosom was heaving, and his stomach was +clearly the seat of the disease, and suddenly the boy rushed out of the +room, into, the bathroom, and there was a noise such as is frequently +heard on steamboat excursions. The old man thought it was the chocolate +and gum that had made the boy sick, until he looked at his pipe on the +table, which was smoking, although he had been away an hour or more. + +[Illustration: Been trying to smoke the old man's pipe, eh 129] + +“Been trying to smoke the old man's pipe, eh?” said he, as the boy +staggered out of the bathroom so weak he could hardly stand, “Well, that +plug tobacco in the pipe is a little strong for a bunko-steerer, but I +suppose you thought if you were going to be a business man, and leave +me, you ought to take with you some of my bad habits. Let me fill the +pipe with some of this mild switchman's delight, and you try that,” and +he brought the pipe near to the boy. + +“Take it away, take it away,” said a weak voice, coming from under a +pillow on the lounge. “Oh, Uncle Ike, I will never touch a pipe again. +You look so happy when you are smoking that I thought I would like to +learn, so I lit the pipe, and drew on it, and the smoke wouldn't come, +and I drew in my breath whole length, as I do when I dive off a spring +board, and the whole inside of the pipe came into my mouth, and I +swallowed the whole business, and pretty soon it felt as though a +pin-wheel had been touched off inside of me, and the sparks flew out of +my nose, and the smoke came out of my ears, and they turned on the water +in my eyes, and my mouth puckered up and acted salivated, like I had +eaten choke-cherries, and pretty soon the pin-wheel in my stomach began +to run down, and I thought I was going to stop celebrating, when the +pin-wheel seemed to touch off a nigger-chaser, and it went to fizzing +all around inside of me, up into my lungs, and down around my liver, and +it called at all my vital parts and registered its name, and when the +nigger-chaser seemed to be dying it touched off an internal skyrocket, +and s-i-z-boom--that was when I went in the bathroom, 'cause I was +afraid of the stick. Say, Uncle Ike, does anyone ever die from smoking +plug tobacco?” + +“Oh, yes, about half of them die, when they smoke it the first time. +When their eyes roll up, like yours, and they cease to be hungry, and +feel as though they had rather lie clown than stand up, they don't last +very long,” and the old man looked serious, and reached for his pipe and +a match, and said: “Any last message you want to send to anybody; any +touching good-bye? If you do, whisper it to me, and I will write your +dying statement.” + +“Don't light that dum pipe!” said the boy, rolling over and looking +like a seasick ghost, as Uncle Ike was about to scratch a match on his +trousers. “Here is the address of my girl. Write to her that I am dead. +That I died thinking of her, and smelling of plug tobacco. Put it in +that I died of appendicitis, or something fashionable, and say that +eight doctors performed eight operations on me, but peritonitis had set +in, and there was no use, but that they cut a swath in me big enough to +drive an automobile through. I had rather she would think of me as dying +a heroic death, than dying smoking plug tobacco. And, say, Uncle Ike, +after you have written her, don't make a mistake and send my resignation +to the syndicate to her. O, God! but it is hard to die so young,” and +the boy went to sleep on the lounge, and Uncle Ike went to taking the +kinks out of a fish line, knowing that when the boy woke up he wouldn't +be dead worth a cent. About half an hour later the boy rolled over, +opened his big eyes, sat up, and stared around, and Uncle Ike said: + +“Now, you go in the bath-room and wash your face in cold water, and +you will be all right,” and the boy did so, and came back with almost a +smile on his face, and he looked at the papers on the table, and said: + +“Uncle Ike, you didn't send that appendicitis story to my girl, did you? +Gosh, but I am all right now, and I am not going to die.” + +“No, I didn't send it; but next time I will, by ginger,” and the old man +laughed. “Here, have a smoke on me,” but the boy went out in the open +air and kicked himself. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +It was a beautiful, hot, sunny morning, and after breakfast Uncle Ike +came out on the porch in his shirt sleeves, and with a pair of old +hunting shoes on, and his shirt sleeves rolled up, showing the sleeves +of a red flannel undershirt, a kind he always wore, winter and summer. +He leaned against the post of the porch, lit his pipe, and looked away +toward the hazy, hot horizon, and thought of old days that had been +brought to his mind the day before, when he saw the parade of a Wild +West show. The old man was a '49er, who went across the plains for gold +when the country was young, and the yells of the Indians had made him +nervous, as they did half a century ago. He had staked the red-headed +boy and several of his chums to go to the show, and was waiting for +them to show up and report. He stepped down on the lawn and took up the +nozzle of a sprinkler and turned it on a lilac bush, when suddenly +there was a yell that was unmistakably that of a Comanche Indian; and he +stopped and looked at the bush, and could plainly see a moccasin and +a leg with buckskin fringe on it, and he knew the boys were laying for +him, to scalp him and have fun with him; so he held the nozzle as his +only protection against the bloodthirsty band of savages, headed by +Chief Red Head, his nephew, but a bad Indian when off the reservation. +From behind an evergreen tree down by the gate there came a +blood-curdling yell, which was evidently from the throat of “Watermelon +Jim,” a neighbor's boy, while from the wild cucumber vine on the south +porch came a noise like that of a pack of wolves breakfasting on a fawn. + +“Surrender!” shouted a damp voice from behind the lilac bush, where the +hose was turned. “Surrender, or we burn down your ranch over your head!” + and a painted Indian, with red, short hair showing under the feather, +crawled toward a rosebush, where it was dry. + +“Never!” said Uncle Ike, as he bit the stem of his pipe, and smiled at +the boys who were peeking out from behind the different hiding places. +“Your Uncle Ike often dies, but he never surrenders,” and he cocked the +nozzle of the lawn sprinkler, and stood ready for the attack. + +The red-headed Indian lit a parlor match and held it aloft, which was +apparently a smoke signal, for an Indian behind the porch appeared and +suddenly a swish was heard in the air, and a piece of clothesline with a +noose in it came near going over Uncle Ike's head; so near that it broke +his clay pipe, leaving the stem between his lips. + +“Ah, ha! You will, will you? Vamoose!” said Uncle Ike, as he turned the +hose on the Indian with the lasso, and drove him behind the porch with +water dripping down his calico shirt, taking the color out. Then an +Indian near the gate began to fire blank cartridges with a toy pistol +and Uncle Ike put his elbow up in front of his face, as he said +afterward, to save his beauty, and Uncle Ike started toward that Indian, +dragging the hose, and shouting, “Take to the chaparral, condemn you, or +I will drown you out like a gopher!” + +[Illustration: Take to the chaparral, condemn you 137] + +For a moment there was an ominous silence. The Indians had withdrawn +behind the currant bushes, but Uncle Ike knew enough of Indian warfare +to know that the silence was only temporary. Suddenly there was a +blazing and crackling, and a big smoke from the back of the house, and +it seemed the redskins had set fire to the house, the hired girl yelled +fire and murder, and came out with a pail of water, while the chief +yelled “Charge!” and in a minute Uncle Ike was surrounded by the tribe, +his legs tied with the clothesline, though he fought with the garden +hose until there was not a dry rag on one of the boys or himself. + +“Burn him at the stake!” shouted a little shrimp who carries papers +every afternoon, after school, as he wiped the red paint off his cheek +on to his bare arm, and shook water out of his trousers leg. + +“No, let's hold him for a ransom,” said the redheaded boy. “Aunt Almira +will give us enough to buy a melon, and make us a pail of lemonade, if +we let this gray-haired old settler off without scalping him.” + +“Chief, spare me, please,” said Uncle Ike, as he sat up in a puddle +of water on the battle ground, with his legs tied. “I am the mother of +eleven orphan children. O, spare me! and don't walk on that pipe of mine +on the grass there, with your moccasins. I will compromise this thing +myself, and pay the ransom. Here is a dollar. Go and buy melons, and we +will have a big feed right here. But what was the fire behind the house, +and is it put out?” + +“The ransom is agreed to,” said the red-headed boy, as he took off his +string of feathers, and gave a yell, hitting his lips with the back +of his hand so it would “gargle,” “and the fire is out. We put some +kerosene on an empty beer case, that was all.” So Uncle Ike handed over +the dollar, and was released, while a boy who had washed his paint off +was sent to a grocery after a melon. Then they wiped the mud off Uncle +Ike, and all went upon the porch, a new pipe of peace was provided, and +they talked about the Wild West show of the night before, while Uncle +Ike did the most of the smoking of the pipe of peace, though he wiped +the stem once and handed it to the red-headed chief to take a whiff, +but the chief, after his experience with plug tobacco cholera a few days +before, declined with thanks. + +“What interested you most at the show?” said Uncle Ike, puffing away, as +he sat on the floor of the porch, and leaned his back against one of +the posts. “When you go to a show you always want to get your mind on +something that makes an impression on you.” + +“Well, sir,” said the boy who had worked the lasso on Uncle Ike, “the +way these Mexicans handled the lariat struck me the hardest, only they +look so darned lazy. They just wait for a horse to get in the right +place, and then pull up. I would like to see them chase something, and +catch it by the leg, that was trying to get away. But the Cossacks! O, +my! couldn't they ride, standing up, or dragging on the ground with one +foot in the stirrup. Gosh! if Russia turned about a million of those +Cossacks loose on China, they wouldn't do a thing to John Chinaman.” + +“The Indians got me,” said another boy, as he took off a moccasin and +hung it up in the sun to dry, after his fight to the death with Uncle +Ike's waterworks. “I would like to be an Indian, or a squaw, and never +have anything to do but travel with a show, and yell. They just have a +soft snap, dressing up in feathers, and paint, and buckskin, and living +on the fat of the land, and yelling ki-yi! in a falsetto voice.” + +“Oh, I don't know,” said the red-headed boy, “what struck me as the most +exciting was the battle of San Juan hill. Say, did you see our boys just +walk right up to the Spaniards, in the face of a perfect hailstorm of +blank cartridges, with a gatling gun stuttering smokeless powder, and +the boys in blue firing volleys, and the rough riders walking on foot, +and the Spaniards just falling back, and pretty soon we went right over +them, and down came the Spanish flag, and then the Stars and Stripes +went up, and there was where I yelled so the roof ripped. But what made +me cry was to see Old Glory and the British flag get together, every +little while, and float side by side, and seem to be grown together as +one flag, and everybody seemed glad. What you think about things, Uncle +Ike? Don't sit there and smoke up, all the time, but tell us what you +think about the American and British flags waving together so much +lately. Are you in favor of an alliance? Do you want to be an assistant +Englishman, Uncle Ike?” + +“Well, I don't want to be quoted much on this business,” said Uncle Ike, +as he looked around at the boys, who were listening intently. “I have +watched the course of England and all the countries, for over, fifty +years, in their relations with this country, and the only friendship +England ever showed to us was in the last war. They did us good, no +doubt, and I trust I am grateful, as becomes a good citizen. It was like +a big boy and little boy fighting. The big boy can whip if he is not +interfered with, but a lot of boys are standing around, ready to mix in +to help the little fellow. They are ready to trip up the big fellow, +so the little one can jump on him, and they are getting ready to throw +stones at him, and kick him on the shins. Then a big bully that they are +all afraid to tackle, comes along and says: 'This little fellow picked +on the big fellow, and kept nagging him till he had to fight or run. Now +the little fool has got to take his medicine, and you fellows mustn't +mix in, or you got me to fight. Just keep hands off, that's all.' That's +all there was to it, but it came in mighty handy, and we appreciate it, +but there is too much grand stand play about an alliance. In other wars +with England, Germans and French and Poles have fought with us, and for +us, and yet we have never felt like having an alliance with them. Do you +ever take much stock in Russia, boys? Don't ever forget Russia. During +our war between the North and South, we were once in a tight place. +England and other countries were about to recognize the Southern +Confederacy, and England was doing everything possible to break us up, +furnishing privateers, and harboring confederate gunboats, and making it +warm for us. Boys, your Uncle Abraham Lincoln was perspiring a good +deal those days. They say he couldn't wear a collar, he sweat so. It +was believed that England and several other countries were going to +simultaneously recognize the Confederacy, and maybe turn in and fight +us. Warships from other countries were hovering around our southern +coast, and our soldiers were feeling pretty blue, the cabinet never +smiled, and nobody laughed out loud except Uncle Abe, and even his laugh +seemed to have a hollow, croupy sound. One day, when the strain was +the greatest, and everybody felt as though there was a funeral in the +family, and there were funerals in most families, a flock of warships +flying the flag of Russia, steamed by Sandy Hook, and up to New York, +saluted the forts and the Stars and Stripes all along up to the Battery. +It seemed as though those battleships never would stop coming. They +lined up all around New York, and their guns pointed toward the sea, and +every Russian on board acted as though he was loaded for bear. The news +went to Washington that night, and they say Uncle Abe had night sweats. +The next morning a Russian admiral, who had gone over to Washington on a +night train, called to pay his respects to the President, and presented +him with a document in the Russian language, which had to be interpreted +by the Russian minister. When it was interpreted they say old Abe danced +a highland fling, and hugged the Russians and danced all hands around. +That document has never been published, but it was to the effect that +the Russian fleet was at the disposal of the President of the United +States, to fight any country on the face of God's green earth that +attempted to mix in. See? It was not long before other nations +discovered that Russia had sent her fleet to stay, and every Russian on +every vessel acted as though he was spoiling for a fight, and seemed to +say to the world, 'Come on, condemn you!' And nobody ever came along to +fight. And Uncle Abe began to be in a laughing mood, and you know the +rest, if you have read up about the war. Nobody has ever suggested an +alliance with Russia, and yet we are under more obligations to that old +Czar than to anybody. In fact, we don't want an alliance with anybody. +We want the friendship of all. If I have any more love for one country +than another, I do not know which it is, only when I see a Russian, even +one of those Cossacks that rode so well, I feel like taking him by the +hand and telling him, when he goes home, to go up to the Winter palace +and give my love to the Czar, because I always have before me the +picture of that Russian fleet in New York harbor, when things were hot. +England has done a similar favor during this last war, and if we had +another war, and the newspapers would quit nagging him, you would find +the young emperor of Germany doing something for us equally as good. So, +boys, don't get stuck on one country, but give them all a chance to be +good to us.” + +“Gosh, Uncle Ike, I never heard anything about that Russian fleet,” said +the red-headed boy. “England can go plum to thunder. I thought England +was the only country that was ever even polite to us.” + +“Come on, boys, let's go and play Cossack,” said one of the Indians, and +they went rolling over the picket fence on their stomachs, leaving Uncle +Ike to go and put on some dry clothes. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +Uncle Ike had been having twinges of rheumatism in one of his legs ever +since he had the scrap with the Indians, and turned the hose on them and +got wet himself, and he sat out on the porch one morning with a blanket +over his leg trying to warm it up, smoking his pipe in silence, and +wondering why the good Lord arranged things so a good man should grow +old, and have pains. The red-headed boy and quite a flock of kids of +about his age were sitting on the sidewalk, outside the fence, arguing +something in loud voices, and finally he heard them agree to leave it to +Uncle Ike, and then they piled over the fence and came up to the porch, +and the red-headed boy was the spokesman. + +He said: “Say, Uncle Ike, us boys have got a bet and you are to +decide it. Isn't it true that the people of Cuba, Porto Rico and the +Philippines are gamblers, and hasn't our government fought them to a +standstill to send people there to induce them to stop gambling and to +attend to business? Isn't gambling a sin, and is it not our duty as a +nation, to teach these ignorant people the wickedness of gambling, bull +fighting, cock fighting, and all that?” and the boys sat all around +Uncle Ike, waiting for a decision to be handed down, as they say in +court. + +The old man rapped the bowl of his pipe on the arm of the rocking chair, +blew through the stem, made up a face when he got some of the nicotine +on his tongue, took a piece off the broom and run through it, blew +again, reached for the tobacco bag, filled it up, lighted it, smoked a +minute or two in silence, while five pairs of big boys' eyes watched him +as though he was a chief justice. He wiggled around a little, to ease +his leg, knitted his brow as the pain shot through his leg, almost said +damn; then the pain let up, his face cleared off, a smile came over it, +he looked at the little statesmen around him, and finally said: + +“Well, boys, you must not grow up with the idea that our own beloved +country has no faults. Just love it, with all its faults; fight for it, +if necessary, but don't get daffy over it. In the countries you speak +of, everybody gambles more or less. In this country only a small +proportion gamble, and yet the element of chance is something that is +very attractive to most people here at home. The other evening your Aunt +Almira brought home a beautiful goblet she won at a progressive euchre +party of neighbors. How much more of a sin is it for the Cuban woman to +win five dollars at monte, and buy a goblet? It is scarcely three years +since tickets in Havana lotteries were publicly sold in this country. +There is more money lost and won on draw poker in one day in New York +than is lost and won in Havana on monte and roulette. You can find +almost any gambling game in Chicago or Milwaukee that you can find in +the Philippines; and while we do not have bull fighting, we have prize +fighting every night in the week, far more brutal. It is the gambling +instinct in men and women that keeps the stock exchanges going, and +industrial stocks, manipulated by those who control the prices, is +tinhorn gambling, as much as pulling faro cards from a silver box in a +brace game, where the dealer gets a rake-off, the same as the commission +man, who deals the cards in stock or wheat. I don't know whether it is +the object of our government to attempt to show the people of these new +possessions the wickedness of gambling, and cock fighting, and all that; +but if it is, thousands of men who have become bankrupt from gambling +here at home could be sent there as object lessons; but the chances are +they would put up a job to skin the natives out of their last dollar on +some game they did not understand. If gambling is a sin, let he who is +without sin throw the first stone into a Porto Rican cock fight. Let +the senator who never played draw poker be the first to introduce a +resolution to stop gambling in Manila. Let the army general that never +sat up all night at a faro bank issue the first order against monte and +roulette in Havana. Let the men who furnished embalmed beef for widows' +sons, issue edicts against making fresh meat out of live bulls. I can't +decide your bet. You better call it a draw,” and the old man looked at +the boys as though he wanted to change the subject. + +[Illustration: You better call it a draw 147] + +“Say, boys, Uncle Ike knows more than any man in the world,” said the +red-headed boy, “but he argues too much. Let's go and play shinny and +call it golf,” and they went off on a gallop, leaving Uncle Ike with his +lame leg and his pipe. + +Uncle Ike sat and thought for an hour or more, on the porch, +occasionally moving his rheumatic leg so it hurt him worse than it did +before he moved it, and then he wondered what in the deuce he had moved +it for. He thought of his experience as a gambler, since the boys had +talked about gambling. He thought of the time he went to a State fair, +when he was a boy, right fresh off the farm, with his white shirt his +mother had sat up the night before to iron for him, his ready-made black +frock-coat that the sun had faded out on the shoulders, the old brown +slouch hat he had traded another one for with a lightning rod peddler, +his shoes blacked with stove blacking, instead of being greased, as +usual. He thought how a gambler at the State fair picked him out for a +greeny before he had fairly got through the gate, and wondered how the +gambler could have known he was so green without being told, and yet he +carried a sign of greenness, from the faded and sunburned hair of his +head to the sole of his stove-blacking shoes. He thought how the gambler +got him to bet that he could find the pea in the shell, and how he +had been so confident that he could find it that he had bet his whole +month's wages, and when the gambler had taken it, and wound it around a +wad he had, and put it in his vest pocket, he remembered, here sitting +on the porch with his rheumatic leg, how mad he was when the gambler who +had ruined him, shouted, “Next gentleman, now! Roll up, tumble up, any +way to get up!” As he sat there waiting for the boys to come back and +be company for him, he thought how destitute he was when the gambler had +taken his money, how he was twenty miles from home, with only 20 cents +in his pocket, and he sat down on a chicken coop, and ate 10 cents' +worth of the hardest-hearted pie that ever was, and the tears came to +his eyes, and the great crowd at the fair all mixed up with the +horses and cattle, and he wandered about like a crazy person, all the +afternoon, and at night started to walk home, with the balance of his +wealth invested in gingerbread that stuck in his throat as he walked +along the road in the dust, and he drank at all the wells he passed, +until before he got home the peaches he had eaten before he gambled, +combined with the corrugated iron pie, and the gingerbread and the +various waters, gave him a case of cholera morbus big enough for a grown +person, and when he got home along toward morning he wanted to die, and +rather thought he would. Then he began to wonder if that gambler ever +prospered, and whether he wound up his career in the penitentiary, or in +politics, when he saw a big dust down the road, where the boys had gone, +and presently the whole crowd came on a run, barefooted, and the first +to arrive hit Uncle Ike on the arm and said, “Tag; you're it,” and +they all laid down on the grass and panted, and accused each other of +shoving, and not running fair. After they had got so they could breathe +easy, and each had taken a lot of green apples out of his shirt, and +were biting into them and looking sorry they did so, the red-headed boy +said: + +“Uncle Ike, we have been talking it over, and have decided that some day +you are to take us down to Pullman, the town founded by George Pullman. +We have read a book about the town, and all about the philanthropist who +laid it out, and made a little Utopia--I think that's the word--for the +laboring men in his employ, where they have little brick houses made to +fit a family, with gas and water. The book says he was a regular +father to them, and we want to see a place where everybody is happy and +contented. Will you take us there some time, Uncle Ike? Isn't Pullman +the greatest and happiest man in the world?” + +“Look a here,” said Uncle Ike, as he got up and tried his lame leg, and +found the pain was gone, and walked down on the lawn where the boys were +rolling in the grass, and sat down on a lawn chair; “when you read +a book of fairy stories, you want to look at the date. That book was +written a dozen years ago to advertise Pullman cars. It is out of date.” + +“Well, isn't the town there, and are not the laboring people happy, +and singing praises to the great and good Mr. Pullman, and showering +blessings on his family, and helping to make a heaven upon earth of the +town he built for them?” + +“I thought you boys were up to the times,” said the old man, as he +lighted up his pipe, and crossed his legs so the lame one was on top, +“but you are back numbers. You read too much algebra, English history +and fables. Why, Pullman has been dead for years, both the man and the +town. I guess I'll have to educate you a little in American history, +that you don't get in the ward school. Pullman was a carpenter who +worked with a jack plane, and a saw, and things. It is said he took +advantage of some ideas another man forgot to patent, got the ideas +patented, and the result was the sleeping car. He made money by the +barrel, and when the callouses and blood blisters were off his hands, +and they became soft, he began to blow in money, and made people +acquainted with the fact that he was too rich for words. He still looked +like a carpenter, but smelled like a rose garden, for he learned to +take a bath every few minutes and perfume himself, so the old-fashioned +perspiration that had been so healthy for him would not be noticed. He +hunted dollars as a pointer dog hunts chickens, and finally he got so +much money he could not count it, and he hired men who were good at +figures to count it for him. Then his brain took a day off and studied +out Pullman, and he built it on the prairie. His idea was all right, +only that he couldn't get over the idea that he must have a big +percentage on his outlay, in rents. He wanted his men to be happy, but +he wanted them to pay big prices. Another thing he wanted was for them +not to think, but to let him do all the thinking. For a few years they +were happy, but they kept getting in debt; he cut down on wages, but +kept rents up, and the price of gas and water never went down. If they +did not like it they could go somewhere else, and leave some of the +furniture to square up, if they were behind in rent, but usually the +bookkeeper took it out of the wages. Then they traded at his stores, +attended his theater, and he got most all the velvet. They stood it +as long as possible, and asked for more wages, and more work, and his +agents--Pullman was never there himself, he had an island in the St. +Lawrence, and residences everywhere except at his Utopia--told them to +hush up and go to work, and be mighty quick about it, or he would fire +them bodily out of the town. Then they struck, and wanted to arbitrate, +but Pullman telegraphed that there was nothing to arbitrate, and then +the Utopia became a Tophet, which it had resembled for some time. +Everything was closed up, men saw their children hungry, and they were +moved away by charity to new places, where they might get some work. The +cold-blooded proposition that is not popular with American citizens +was that if men would get on their knees, apologize, and beg, the +authorities would see what could be done for them. Men became desperate, +troops were sent to guard the premises and to jab with bayonets these +happy workmen that did not move along fast enough. Pullman himself +stayed at his island, or at the seashore, and the men who had dared to +think without a dog license were growing thinner, and by and by nearly +all were gone; others took their places, but the old town was not what +it used to be. Workmen preferred to live miles away, in attics, or +anywhere, in preference to the Pullman cottages. Then, one morning +Pullman died, quick action, at his house and millionaire neighbors +buried him. Few flowers were sent by the old laborers. His boys, twins, +had developed a partiality for jags, and having been cut off with little +money in his will, they have wandered around, from one drunk cure to +another, marrying occasionally, and otherwise enjoying themselves, until +their poor mother was almost crazy, and the Pullman works are run by men +who happened to be in on the ground floor, but who don't care much about +the laboring man. No, sir,” said the old man, warming up to the subject, +“I will not take you kids to Pullman. I had rather take you to a +cemetery, or visit the homes of the cliff dwellers of Mexico. Now, go +wash up for dinner. You get me to talking, and I forget all about, my +rheumatism, and my dinner, and everything,” and the old man started for +the house, and the boys looked at each other as though they had learned +something not in the school books. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +It was the first cool and bracing morning since the extreme heat of the +summer, and Uncle Ike had begun to feel like going duck shooting. He +could almost smell duck feathers in the air, and he had put on an old +dead-grass colored sweater, with a high collar that rubbed against his +unshaven neck, and he had got out his gun to wipe it for the hundredth +time since he laid it away at the close of the last season. He looked +it over and petted it, and finally sat down in a rocking chair, with the +gun between his knees and a few cartridges in his hand that he had found +in the pocket of his sweater; and he got to thinking of the days that +he had passed, in the last half century, shooting ducks, and hoping that +the clock of time could be turned back, in his case, and that he might +be permitted to enjoy many years more of the sport that had given' him +so much enjoyment, and contributed so greatly to his health and hardness +of muscle. He was cocking the old gun and letting down the hammers in +a contemplative mood, and occasionally aiming at a fly on the opposite +wall, as though it was a cluck, when, the door opened and the red-headed +boy, accompanied by eight other boys, armed to the teeth with such +weapons as they could find, marched in and formed a line on the opposite +side of the room, and at the command, “Present arms!” given by the +red-headed captain, they saluted Uncle Ike. He arose from the rocking +chair, placed his shotgun at a “carry,” and acknowledged the salute, and +said: + +“If that horse pistol that No. 2 soldier has got pointed at my stomach +is loaded, I want to declare that this war is over, and you can go to +the cook and get your discharges, and fill out your blanks for pensions. +But now, what does this all mean? Why this martial array? Why do you +break in on a peaceful man this way, a man who does not believe in +shedding human gore, so early in the morning?” + +[Illustration: We came to offer you the position of colonel 157] + +“Uncle Ike,” said the red-headed boy, stepping one pace to the front, +and saluting with a piece of lath, “we came to offer you the position of +colonel of our regiment. We have thought over all the men who have been +suggested as leaders, and have concluded that you are the jim dandy, and +we want you to accept.” + +“Well, this takes me entirely by surprise;” said Uncle Ike, as he laid +the shotgun on the table; “I certainly have not sought this office. +But I cannot accept the trust until I know what is the object of the +organization. Who do you propose to fight?” + +“We are organized to fight the French, both with weapons and by the +boycott,” said the leader, swelling out his chest, and each red hair +sticking up straight. “We have watched the trial of Dreyfus, and the +outrage of his conviction without a particle of testimony against him, +has just made us sick, and we are forming a regiment to fight Frenchmen +wherever we find them. We had the first battle at daylight this morning, +when a French milkman drove along, and we threw eggs at him, and his +horse run away and spilled four cans of milk. We are for blood, or milk, +or any old thing that Frenchmen deal in. We will not drink any French +champagne, and have decided not to visit the Paris Exposition.” + +“Well, I swow! you have got it up your noses pretty bad, haven't you?” + said the old man as he ordered the platoon to sit down on the floor and +go into camp. “It is pretty tough, the way the French treated Dreyfus, +but how are you going to make your boycott work?” + +“We are going to petition the President to cut off supplies for the +Paris Exposition, withdraw from participation in it, and we are going to +ask all the people that were intending to go to Paris to stay away.” + +“I see, I see,” said Uncle Ike, feeling in the pocket of his old +sweater, and finding a handful of leaves, twigs and plug tobacco +that had accumulated there for years. “How many Jew boys have you got +enlisted in your army? You know this Dreyfus trouble is a fight on the +Jews, not only in France, but of the whole world. You ought to have a +whole regiment of Jew boys. How many have you got?” + +“Well, we haven't got any yet, but a whole lot of them are going to +think about it, and ask their parents if they can join,” said the +captain. + +“Yes, they will think about it, but they won't join,” said the old man, +reaching for his pipe, and lighting up for a talk. “The Jews are the +most patient, peaceful people in the world. They come the nearest to +acting on the theory of the Golden Rule, of any class of people, and +they are about the only people that will turn the other cheek, when hit +on the jaw. They have been assailed for thousands of years, until they +look upon being ostracised and trodden upon as one of the things they +must expect, and they don't kick half as much as they ought to. If they +had the enthusiasm and the fighting qualities of the Irish, they would +take blackthorn clubs and mow a swath through France wide enough for an +army to march over. Why don't you fellows wait until the Jews map out a +plan of campaign, and then follow them? It is no dead sure thing that if +the people of other countries boycotted France, that they would not +ruin more Jews than Frenchmen, as the Jews are in business that the +Exposition will make or break, while the French just sit around and +drink absinthe and shout 'viva la armee!' Don't you see you may ruin the +very people you want to help? Then, stop and think of another thing. +It is not many months ago that a Jew cadet at West Point was hazed and +abused and ostracised by the other cadets, and had his life made such a +burden that he had to resign and go home, heart-broken to a heart-broken +mother. That was almost as bad as the Dreyfus case as far as it went. +How can the President boycott France for abusing Jews when our own army +officers, that are to be, have shown a meanness that will size up pretty +fairly with the French army devils. I'll tell you, boys, what you do. +Let your sympathy go out to Dreyfus, and all his people, but don't go +off half-cocked. Wait until the representative Jews of this country +decide what it is their duty to do in this case, and then join them, and +help them, whether it is to fight or to pray. If they conclude to sit +down, and look sorry, and turn the other cheek, and be swatted some +more, you be sorry also. If they decide to get on their ears, and fight, +with money, or guns, or boycott, you do as you like about helping them +out. But if you read, in a day or two, that France has borrowed a few +more millions of Rothschild, to pay off these officers who have +persecuted Dreyfus, you can make up your minds that it is a good deal +like our politics here at home, mighty badly mixed. Now you go and get +me a wash basin of hot soft water, and some rags, and I will clean this +gun, and you disband your army, and appoint a good Jew for colonel, and +when he says the affair is ripe for a fight you can spiel,” and the old +man took the gun apart and prepared to clean it. + +“Atten-shun!” shouted the red-headed boy to his army, and each soldier +jumped up off the carpet and stood erect as possible. “I will now +disband you, and deliver my farewell address.” Then he whispered to +Uncle Ike, and the old man handed him a half dollar, when the captain +gave the money to a boy who seemed to be second in command, and added, +“Go and buy you some ice-cream soda, and be prepared to respond to the +call to arms at a minute's notice. If France does not pardon Dreyfus, +and I can get a lot of Jew boys to join us, we won't do a thing to +France. Break ranks! Git!” and the boys went outdoors and made a rush +for a soda fountain. + +“Now, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, as he watched his army going clown the +street, “I have got a favor to ask of you. I want you to give me music +lessons.” + +“Well, I'll be bunkoed,” said Uncle Ike, as he began to pull the +sweater off over his head. “I can't sing anything but 'Marching Through +Georgia.' What you want music lessons for?” + +“Well, sir, I'll tell you, if you won't laugh at me,” said the boy, +blushing. “You see, my girl has got back from the seashore, where she +has been taking salt-water baths. She was too fresh, but she is salty +enough now, and her face and arms are tanned just like these Russia +leather moccasins. You couldn't tell her from an Indian, only she +doesn't smell like buckskin. She has been taking lessons all summer at +a conservatory of music, and she can sing away up so high that when she +strikes a high note and gargles on it, it makes your hair raise right +up, and bristle, it is so full of electricity. She has got a tenor voice +that----” + +“Hold on, hold on, you have got all mixed up,” said the old man. “She +does not gargle. That is called warbling, or trilling, or trolling, or +something. And no girl has a tenor voice. She must be a soprano.” + +“Well, that's what I want to take music lessons for, so I can talk with +her intelligently about her music. Why, last night we were at a party, +and I turned the music while she played and sang, and I got the wrong +page, and got her all tangled up, and when she got through, and the +people were telling her how beautiful she sang, I told her she had the +most beautiful bass voice I ever saw, and she was so mad she wouldn't +speak to me, so I want you to teach me which is tenor, and which is +baritone, and which is that other thing, you know, Uncle Ike.” + +“Yes, I think I do,” said the old man as he turned his head away to +keep from laughing. “You want to learn to be a he Patti, in four easy +lessons. Why, you couldn't learn enough about music to be in her class +in fourteen years. What you want to do is to look wise, and applaud +when anybody gets through singing, and say bravo, and beautiful, and all +that, but not give yourself away by commenting on the technique, see?” + +“Stopper! Backerup! What is technique on a girl, Uncle Ike?” asked the +red-headed boy, as his eyes stuck out like peeled onions. “I have been +around girls ever since I was big enough to go home alone after seeing +them home, without being afraid of spooks, but I hope to die if I ever +saw a technique.” + +“The technique,” said Uncle Ike, looking wise, “is what we musicians +call the--the--get there, Eli. You know when a girl is singing, and gets +away up on a high note, and keeps getting it down finer all the time, +until it is not much bigger than a cambric needle, and she draws in a +whole lot of air, and just fools with that wee bit of a note, and draws +it out fine like a silk thread, and keeps letting go of it a little at a +time until it seems as though it was a mile long, and the audience stops +talking and eating candy, and just holds its breath, and listens for her +to bite it off, and she wiggles with it, and catches another breath when +it is keeping right on, and it seems so sweet and smooth that you can +almost see angels hovering around up in the roof, and she stands there +with her beautiful eyes shining like stars, and her face wreathed in +smiles, and that little note keeps paying out like a silk fish line with +a four-pound bass running away with the bait, and the audience gets red +in the face for not breathing, and when everybody thinks she is going +to keep on all night, or bust and fill the house with little notes that +smell of violets, she wakes up, raises her voice two or three degrees +higher, and finds a note that is more beautiful still, but which is as +rare as the bloom of a century plant, so rare and radiant that she can't +keep it long without spoiling, and just as you feel like dying in your +tracks and going, to heaven where they sing that way all the time, she +shakes that note into little showers of crystal musical snowflakes, and +then raises her voice one note higher just for a second, and backs away +with a low bow and a sweet smile, and the audience is dumb for a +minute, and when it comes to, and she has almost gone behind the scenes, +everybody cheers, and waves handkerchiefs, and stands up and yells until +she comes back and does it over again, that is technique.” + +“Well, sir, my girl has got a technique just like that. She can sing the +socks right off of----” + +“Oh, hold on; don't work any of your slang into this musical discussion. +When you want to know anything about music, or falling in love, or +farming, come to your Uncle Ike. Office hours from 9 a. m. to 4 p. m. +No cure no pay. If you are not satisfied your money will be cheerfully +refunded,” and the old man got an oil can and begun to oil the old +shotgun, while the boy started to sing “Killarney” in a bass voice, and +Uncle Ike drew the gun on him and said: “If you are looking for trouble, +sing in that buzz-saw voice in my presence. I could murder a person that +sang like that.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + +Uncle Ike was leaning over the gate late in the afternoon, waiting for +the red-headed boy and some of his chums to come back from the State +fair. He had gone to the fair with them, and gone around to look at +the stock with them, and had staked them for admission to all the +side shows, and when they had come out of the last side show, and were +hungry, he had bought a mess of hot wiener sausages for them, and while +they were eating them somebody yelled that the balloon was going to go +up, and the boys grabbed their wieners and run across the fair grounds, +losing Uncle Ike; and being tired, and not caring to see a young girl +go up a mile in the air, and come down with a parachute, with a good +prospect of flattening herself on the hard ground, he had concluded to +go home before the crowd rushed for the cars, and here he was at the +gate waiting for the boys, saddened because a pickpocket had taken his +watch and a big seal fob that had been in the family almost a hundred +years. As he waited for the boys to come back he smoked hard, and +wondered what a pickpocket wanted to fool an old man for, a man who +would divide his money with any one out of luck, and he wondered what +they could get on that poor old silver watch, that never kept time that +could be relied on, and a tear came to his eye as he thought of some +jeweler melting up that old fob that his father and grandfather used to +wear before him, and he wondered if the boys would guy him for having +his pocket picked, he, who had mixed up with the world for half a +century and never been touched. It was almost dark when the red-headed +boy and his partners in crime, came down the sidewalk, so tired their +shoes interfered, and they stubbed their toes on the holes in the walk, +even. + +“Well, I s'pose you ducks spent every cent you had and had to walk five +miles from the fair ground,” said Uncle Ike, as he opened the gate and +let them fall inside and drop on the grass, their shoes covered with +dust, and their clothes the same. He invited them in to supper, but +the peanuts, the popcorn, the waffles, the lemonade, the cider and the +wieners had been plenty for them, and it did not seem as though they +ever wanted to eat a mouthful again. + +“Where is your fob and watch?” said the redheaded boy, as he noticed +that the big stomach of the old man carried no ornament. + +“Well, I decided this afternoon that it did not become a man of my age +to be wearing gaudy jewelry,” said Uncle Ike, “and hereafter you have +got to take your uncle just as he is, without any ornaments. The watch +never did keep time much, and I have had enough of guessing whether it +was 1 o'clock or 3.” + +“Never going to wear it any more?” asked the red-headed boy, with a +twinkle in his eye. + +“No, I guess not,” said Uncle Ike, as he heaved a sigh. + +“Then I guess we can draw cuts for the old rattle-box,” said the boy, as +he pulled the watch and fob out of his pants pocket. + +[Illustration: Where did you get that watch 167] + +“Here! where did you get that watch?” said Uncle Ike, in excitement. “I +thought a pickpocket on the trolley car got it, and I was hot. Say, that +is one of the best watches in this town. Where did you find it? Did the +police get the man?” + +“Oh, police nothin',” said the boy. “Say, Uncle Ike, you were the +easiest mark on the fair ground. There you stood, looking up at the +kites, with your hands behind your back, like a jay from way back, and +I knew somebody would get your watch; so I just reached up and took it, +and left you standing there. I wanted to teach you a lesson. Don't ever +wear your jewelry at a fair. Here's your old ticker. Sounds as though it +had palpitation of the heart,” and the boy handed it to the old man. + +“Well, by gum! To think I should live all these years, and go through +what I have, and then have an amateur pickpocket take me for a Reuben, +and go through me! But how did you like the great agricultural display?” + +“Oh, I don't know,” said the boy, taking off his shoes and emptying the +sand out. “It seems to me the farmers ought to be encouraged. I wonder +how many hundred dollars it cost to hire that girl to go up in a +balloon; and what good could that exhibition do the farmers? If that +girl's parachute hadn't parachuted at the proper time, and she had come +down and been killed, wouldn't the people have been so horrified they +would never go to another fair, and couldn't the state have been sued +for damages for hiring her to kill herself?” + +“Oh, maybe,” said the old man, winding up his watch a lot ahead, and +holding it to his ears to see if it had heart disease, as the boy had +intimated. “But, you see, people have got to be amused. It has got so +there is not the inspiration in looking at vegetables that there used +to be, and the patchwork quilt does not draw like a house afire. The +farmers are not going to blow in money to exhibit things for a blue +ribbon, and the wealthy people who have fancy stock take the premiums +and advertise their business. Money is paid for exhibits that more +properly belong to the circus and the vaudeville, that ought to be paid +in premiums to farmers who raise things. We hire a balloonist, believing +that she will fall and kill herself before the season is over. We take +the chance that she will kill herself at our fair, but if she does not, +and is killed at some cheap fair, somewhere else, we feel that we are +abused, and have been trifled with. What interested you the most at the +fair?” asked the old man. + +“The wieners,” said the boys, all at once. And the red-headed boy added: +“When a feller is so hungry his eyes look straight ahead, and he can't +turn them in the sockets, there is nothing like a hot wiener to start +things moving, and the man who invented wieners ought to have a chromo. +By gosh, I am going to bed,” and the boys all started for their resting +places, while Uncle Ike felt of his stomach where the fob rested, and +looked as happy as though he had never been robbed. + +“Come on, Mr. Train-robber,” said Uncle Ike the next morning, as the boy +showed up in the breakfast room, and the old man held up his hands as he +supposed passengers did when train-robbers attacked a train. “Go through +me, condemn you, and take every last dollar I have got. I have brought +you up to be an honest boy, and you turn out to be a pickpocket, and rob +me of my watch. Oh, I tell you, no old bachelor ever had so much +trouble bringing up a boy as I have. Now, I expect you will graduate in +burglary, bunko, and politics, won't you?” and the old man looked at the +laughing boy with such pride that the boy knew he was only fooling. + +“No, if I went into burglary and kindred industries, I could never find +such easy marks to practice on as dear old Uncle Ike,” and the boy put +his arms around the old man and asked him what time it was, and the +Uncle grabbed his fob as though he was not sure whether it was there or +not. “Now, let's eat breakfast,” and they sat down together, and Aunt +Almira poured the coffee, while Uncle Ike looked over the morning paper. + +“You can disband your army, and let them go back to the paths of peace, +for Dreyfus has been pardoned,” said the old man. “I knew that they +would pardon that man.” + +“Now, wouldn't that kill you,” said the boy, as he sampled two or three +pieces of canteloupe to find one to his taste. “That breaks up my scheme +to fight the French. Uncle Ike, I have about made up my mind to lead a +different life and become a minister, and preach, and go to sociables, +and just have a dandy time. Say, it's a snap to be a minister, and only +have to preach an hour Sunday, and have all the week to go fishing and +hunting. What denomination would you advise me to become a minister of?” + +“Well,” said Uncle Ike, as he dropped a few lumps of sugar into his +coffee, and looked at the boy across the table, “from the color of your +hair, and your constant talk about falling in love every time you see a +pretty girl, and the manner in which you take up a collection every time +you see me anywhere, I should say you would make a pretty fair Mormon. +Yes, if I was in your place I would preach Mormonism, as your experience +in taking things out of people's pockets, in the way of watches, would +come handy, and you are so confounded freckled you would have to have +wives sealed to you or they would not stay. A minister has got to be +pretty condemned good-looking, nowadays, to hold a job in a fashionable +church.” + +“But the minister business is easy, ain't it? They don't have to work, +anyway,” and the boy looked at Uncle Ike as though life expected an +opinion that was sound. + +“If you took a job preaching,” said the old man, whirling around from +the table, and sitting down in his old armchair, and lighting his pipe, +“you wouldn't have any, soft snap. Do you know anything about what a +minister has to do? Let's take one week out of the life of a regular +minister. He starts in on Monday morning by having a woman call at the +parsonage, a woman dressed poorly, and whose pained face makes his heart +ache, and she tells him a tale of woe, and he goes to his wife and gets +a basket of stuff out of the kitchen to give her, a kitchen not stocked +any too well, and sends her home with immediate relief, and then goes +out to hunt up the relief committee of his church to give the woman +permanent relief. He comes back after a while and finds other callers, +some to have him make a diagnosis of their souls, over which they are +worrying, another to have him help get a son out of the police station, +who used to belong to the Sunday-school, and one man wants him to preach +a funeral sermon in the afternoon. He gets out of the police station in +time for the funeral, and they make him go clear to the cemetery, and +stop at the house with the mourners on the way back, and he gets a cold +dinner that night, and has to call on several sick friends that evening, +and one of them is so nearly gone that he remains with him to the last, +and gets home at midnight. The other days of the week are the same, only +more so, and in addition he has to run a prayer meeting, several society +meetings, a sociable, settle a quarrel in the choir, and bring two +members of the church together who have not spoken to each other for +months, attend a ministers' meeting and map out a plan of campaign +against the old boy, run out into the country to preach a little for +a neighboring preacher who is sick, or off on a vacation, attend a +missionary meeting, marry a few couples, and prepare two sermons for +Sunday forenoon and evening, sermons that are new, and on texts that +have not been preached on before. One night in the week he can get on +his slippers and sit in the library, and the other nights he is running +from one place to another to make a lot of other people happier, and he +has more sickness at home than any man in his congregation, and he works +harder than the man who digs in the sewer, and half the time the people +kick on his salary and wonder why he doesn't do more, and say he looks +so dressed up it can't be possible he has much to do, and when he gets +worn down to the bone, and his cheeks are sunken, and his voice fails, +and his step is not so active, they saw him off on to some country +church that never did pay a minister enough to live on, and he never +kicks, but just keeps on praying for them until he kicks the bucket, +when he ought to give them a piece of his mind. How do you like it?” + +“Say, Uncle Ike, I surrender. I don't want to preach. Where can a man +enlist as a pirate? The pirate business appeals to me,” and the boy got +up and took his golf club to go out. + +“Yes, you have many qualifications that would come in handy as a +pirate, and I will use my influence to get you into politics, you young +heathen,” and the old man gave the red-headed boy a poke in the ribs +with his big hard thumb, and they separated for the day, the old man to +smoke and dream, and the boy to have fun and get tired and hungry. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + +Uncle Ike did not get up very early, on account of a little pain in +one of his hind legs, as he expressed it, a rheumatic pain that he had +almost come to believe, as the pension agent had often suggested, was +caused by his service in the army thirty-five years ago. The pension +agent, who desired to have the honor of securing a pension for the old +man, had asked him to try and remember if he was not exposed to a sudden +draft, some time in the army, which might have caused him to take cold, +and thus sow the seeds of rheumatism in his system, which had lain +dormant all these years and finally appeared in his legs. The old man +had thought it over, and remembered hundreds of occasions when he was +soaked through with icy water, and had slept on the wet ground, and gone +hungry and taken cold, but he realized that he had taken no more colds +in the army than he had at home, and he could not see how he could swear +that a chill he received thirty-five years ago could have anything to +do with his present aches, and though he knew thousands of the old boys +were receiving pensions, that were no worse off than he was, he had told +the pension agent that he need not apply for a pension for his pain in +the knee. He said he felt that he might just as well apply for a pension +on account of inheriting rheumatism from an uncle who fought in the +Mexican war, and he would wait until the government did not insist on a +veteran having such an abnormal memory about sneezing during the war, as +a basis for pension claims, and when it got so a pension would come to +a soldier by simply looking up his record, and examining his physical +condition, he would take a pension. The old man had heard a peculiar +clicking down in the sitting room, all the morning, while he was +dressing, and he wondered what it was. As he limped into the sitting +room, with his dressing-gown on, and began to round up his shaving +utensils, preparatory to his morning shave, he found the red-headed boy +in his night shirt, sitting at a table with an old telegraph instrument +that looked as though it had been picked out of a scrap-pile, and the +boy was ticking away for dear life, his hair standing on end, his brow +corrugated, and his eyes glaring. + +[Illustration: What dum foolishness you got on hand now 177] + +“What dum foolishness you got on hand now?” asked the old man, as he set +a cup of hot water on the mantel, and began to mix up the lather. “What +you ticking away on that contrivance for, and looking wise?” + +“This is a telegraph office,” said the boy, as he stopped operations +long enough to draw his cold bare feet up under him, and pulled his +night shirt down to cover his knees. “I am learning to telegraph, and +am going into training for president of a railroad. Did you see in +the papers the other day that Mr. Earling was elected president of a +railroad, and did you know that he started in as a telegraph operator +and a poor boy, with hair the color of tow? They used to call him +Tow-Head.” + +“Yes, I read about that,” said Uncle Ike, as he looked in the glass +to see if the lather was all right on his face, and began to strop his +razor. “I knew that boy when he was telegraphing. But he knew what all +those sounds meant. You just keep ticking away, and don't know one tick +from another.” + +“Yes, I do,” said the boy, as he smashed away at the key. “That long +sound, and the short one, and the one about half as long as the long +one--that spells d-a-m, dam.” + +“Well, what do you commence your education spelling out cuss words for?” + asked the old man, as he raked the razor down one side of his face, +pulling his mouth around to one side so it looked like the mouth of a +red-horse fish. “Anybody would think you were in training for one of +these railroad superintendents who swear at the men so their hair will +stand, and then swear at them because they don't get their hair cut. +The railroad presidents and general managers nowadays don't swear a blue +streak, and keep the men guessing whether they will get discharged for +talking back. This man Earling never swore a half a string in his life, +and in thirty years of railroading he never spoke a cross word to a +living soul, and his brow was never corrugated as much as yours has +been spelling out that word dam. Got any idea what railroad you will be +president of?” and the old man wiped his razor, stropped it on the palm +of his hand, put it in a case, and went to a washbowl to wash the soap +off his face. + +“Well, I thought I would start in on some narrow-gauge railroad, and +work up gradually for a year or two, and finally take charge of one of +those Eastern roads, where I can have a private car, and travel all over +the country for nothing. As quick as I get this telegraph business down +fine I shall apply for a position of train dispatcher, and then jump +right along up. Uncle Ike, you will never have to pay a cent on my +railroad. I will have a caboose fixed up for you, with guns and dogs, +and you can hunt and fish all your life, with a nigger to cook for you, +and a porter to put on your bait, and another nigger chambermaid to make +up your bed, and I will wire them from the general office to sidetrack +you, and pick you up, and all that.” + +“Is that so?” said the old man, as he stood rubbing his face with a +crash towel till it shone like a boiled lobster. “You are hurrying your +railroad career mighty fast, and if you are not careful you will replace +Chauncey Depew before you get long pants on. Now, you go get your +clothes on and come to breakfast, and after breakfast I will tell you +something.” The boy dropped the key, after ticking to the imaginary +general office not to disturb him with any messages for half an hour, as +he was going to be busy on an important matter, and he went to his room +and soon appeared at the breakfast table, and after the breakfast was +over, and the old man had lighted his pipe, the boy said: + +“Now, Uncle Ike, tell me all you know about railroading in one easy +lesson, for I have to go to a directors' meeting at ten, and then we +are going out to look over the right of way,” and the boy ticked off +a message to have his special car ready at eleven-thirty, stocked for a +trip over the line. + +“I see you are getting well along in your railroad career, and like nine +out of ten boys who want to be railroad men, you are beginning at the +private car instead of the gravel train, issuing general orders instead +of working in the ranks,” and the old man smoked up and thought a long +time, and continued: “The successful railroad man begins at the bottom, +and learns the first lesson well. Do you know how long this man Earling +has been getting where he is today? Thirty-five years. More than +the average age of man. The successful railroad man, if he begins +telegraphing, gets so he can send or receive anything, with his eyes +shut, and never makes a mistake. After a long time he gets a measly +country station, where he does all kinds of work, and he is satisfied. +He goes to work to increase the business of that station, to clean up +around the depot, and please all the customers, as though he was going +to live there all his life. He never thinks he is going to be a high +official, but just makes the best of the present. Some day he is awfully +surprised to be given a better station, and he hates to leave, and maybe +sheds a tear as he parts with the friends he has made there. But he goes +to his new place and improves it, and gets in with a new, pushing class +of people, and begins to grow. He maybe works there ten years, and his +work shows so the officials recognize it, and he never makes a mistake +in his telegraphing, and some day they call him into headquarters during +a rush, to help the train dispatcher, and then he has to move into the +city and watch trains on thousands of miles of road, to see that they +don't get together, as train dispatcher. He thinks that position is +good enough, and he hopes they will let him alone in it, but some day +he assists the superintendent, and he is so well posted they are all +surprised. They wonder how that station agent got to knowing all the men +on the road, and how much a train of freight cars weigh, and how many +cents per mile each loaded car earns for the company, and what cars +ought to go to the shops for repairs, and how many new cars will have +to be bought to handle the crops on his division. The 'old man,' as the +president is always called, gets to leaning on this always good-natured, +promoted, station agent, who is so modest he wouldn't offer a suggestion +unless asked his opinion, and when asked gives it so intelligently that +you could set your watch by it, as the boys say. He is always sober, +never sleepy, and whether figuring on the wheat crop of Dakota to a +carload, or wearing rubber boots and dining on sausage and bread for a +couple of days fixing up a washout, he is always calm and smiling, and +every man works as though his own house was afire, till the washout +is repaired and the first train pulls over. When the rich, fat, gouty +directors come around, once a year, to take an account of stock, and see +the property at work, they see the modest man, and by and by he is taken +off his feet by a promotion that almost makes him dizzy. Other railroads +see that he is all wool, and they try to steal him away, but he says he +has got used to his old man, and he knows every spike in the system, and +there are gray hairs beginning to come around his ears, and he guesses +he will not go away and have to make new acquaintances, and he remains +with the road where he learned to tick, as you are ticking, and one day +he is at the head of it. But if you examine into the head of the man +who gets up from station agent to president, you will find that there is +brain there and no cut feed. Another station agent might get the bighead +the first time he was promoted, and they would have to promote him +backward, on that account, but it would be because there was excelsior +in his head, instead of brain, and he would be mad and jealous, and say +mean things about those who got promoted, and stayed promoted. Now, let +me give you a pointer. Don't train for general manager or president of +a road. Train for the thing you are going to get first, whether it is +operator or brakeman, and when you have mastered the details of that +place, learn something about the next above. It is like going up a +ladder; you have got to go up one step at a time, and get your foot on +the step so it will stay, then go up another step. If you attempt to +step from the ground to the top of the ladder, you are going to split +your pants from Genesis to Revelations, and come down on your neck, and +show your nakedness to those who have watched you try to climb too fast, +and they will laugh at you. Now, go on with your condum ticking, but +tick out something besides d--a--m, dam,” and the old man went out to +see if there had been any frost the night before, with an idea that if +there was he would shoot a few teal duck, and cure his rheumatism that +way, instead of putting on liniment. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + +Uncle Ike was out in the front yard in the early morning, in his shirt +sleeves, with no collar on, an old pair of rubber boots to keep the dew +from wetting his feet, and he was helping the Indian summer haze all he +could, by smoking the clay pipe and blowing the smoke up among the red +and yellow leaves of autumn, and as he kicked the beautiful leaves on +the lawn into piles he thought what foolish people they were who claimed +last week that winter had come, because it was a little chilly, when +he could have told them, by half a century's experience, that the most +beautiful part of the year was to come, the Indian summer, the lazy days +when you want to shoot snipe, and eat grapes, and have appendicitis. +The red-headed boy came out yawning, half awake, and raised his arms and +stretched until it seemed that he would break his back. + +“You remind me of Indian summer,” said the old man, as he stepped on the +boy's bare foot with his soft rubber boot. + +“Oh, I don't know,” said the boy, as he let out a secret school society +yell at some boys across the street, which brought them all over-into +the yard, as though there was a dog fight on. “Uncle Ike, you remind me +of Father Time, after he has been to a barber and got shaved, with your +smooth old laughing face. Why do I remind you of Indian summer?” + +“Well, your red hair resembles the frosted leaf of the maple tree, your +brown freckles look like the dead and dying leaves of the oak, your +unwashed chalky face looks like the leaves of the ash, your sparkling +eyes like the dewy diamonds on the grass, and your sleepy look as you +just come from your bed makes me think of the hazy atmosphere that the +Indians loved so well. What all you boys around here for so early in the +morning, anyway, disturbing your Uncle Ike when he wants to think?” and +he grabbed half a dozen boys and piled them up in a heap on the grass, +and put one of his big rubber boots on the top one, and held them down, +squirming like a lot of angleworms in a tomato can. + +[Illustration: Squirming like a lot of angleworms 185] + +The red-headed boy took Uncle Ike by the suspenders and pulled him off +the boys, and then they all grabbed his legs and threw him down and sat +on him, breaking his pipe, and pulling off his rubber boots and making +him yell, “Enough!” before they would let him up, but he laughed and +spanked them with a leg of a rubber boot, and finally they all sat down +on the porch, panting, and Uncle Ike was the youngest boy in the gang, +apparently. + +“Come to order,” said the red-headed boy, and every boy took off his +hat, and braced back against the side of the house, and Uncle Ike looked +on, wondering what was coming next. “We have met, gentlemen,” said the +red-headed boy, “to make arrangements to nominate Dewey for President. +We have watched the manner in which the people have received him at New +York and Washington; have noticed his modesty and level-headedness, and +us boys, Uncle Ike, have decided that Dewey shall be the next President. +If any person has got anything to say why he should not be President, +let him speak now, or forever after hold his peace. It is up to you, +Uncle Ike, and this assemblage would like to hear a few casual remarks +from you, before breakfast, on this subject. Now, boys, hurrah for Uncle +Ike, the jolliest old scrapper in the business. Now, give the yell, 'Who +are we! who are we! we are the kids for old Dewe-e--siz! boom! yah!'” + and the boys yelled until Uncle Ike had to respond. + +“Well, you condum heathen can settle more public questions here on this +porch than all the political parties,” said the old man, as he fixed a +broken suspender with a nail, and came up to the boys with one rubber +boot in his hand, and reached for a new pipe on the window sill, loaded +it, and lit it for a talk. “You ought to have better sense than to think +of Dewey placing himself in the hands of the politicians, and going into +politics, where he will have to be cat-hauled by all the disreputable +critters in the country. Look at Grant! When he got out of the war he +was just like Dewey, and would be alive today if he had not got into the +hands of the politicians. Dewey can sit down in Washington as he is, +and have more power for good than any President, and he will be proud of +himself and his country. If he went into politics he would be betrayed, +and made responsible for all the stealing and mistakes of those under +him, and in a little while he would hate himself, and would like to get +all the politicians into a Spanish ship and turn the Olympia loose on +them.” + +“Yes, but nobody could say anything against Dewey,” said the red-headed +boy, interrupting Uncle Ike. “All he would have to do would be to +appoint a cabinet of admirals, and give all the other offices to the +midshipmen and jackies, and send army officers abroad as ministers and +things. The people would lynch a man that said anything against Dewey.” + +“They couldn't say anything against, him, could they?” said Uncle Ike, +pulling on the rubber boot. “Well, you are an amateur in politics. Do +you know what they would do if Dewey were nominated? They would prove +that he murdered a man in Vermont in 1852, in cold blood, and produce +the corpse. They would swear that he was the inventor of the wooden +nutmeg, and that he had six wives living, and that he was in cahoots +with Aguinaldo, and that he didn't sink the Spanish fleet, but that it +got waterlogged and went down without a shot being fired. They would +claim that he was the originator of the process of boiling maple roots +and putting the juice into glucose, and selling it for pure Vermont +maple syrup. They would claim that the reception he received at the +hands of the American people was a put-up job; that he paid all the +expenses himself, out of money he stole from the government, and that +all the cheering was done by hired claquers, who were all promised an +office when he was elected. And then if he was elected, every man that +knew him before he went to Manila would claim to have been the making of +him, and want to be in the cabinet, and every man that has shook hands +with him since, would expect the best office at his disposal, and if +they didn't get the offices they would prove that he was responsible +for the embalmed beef scandal, and that he was in partnership with Capt. +Carter in robbing the government, and ought to be in jail. Oh, you can't +tell me anything about politics, and if I could see Dewey I would tell +him to say nothing but 'nixy' to every proposition to mix him up. +Now, all you boys come in to breakfast,” and the old man tossed the boys +toward the dining room door as though they were footballs. + +“Well, Uncle Ike, you have punctured our tire again. Every time we get +a scheme to save the country, you come in with your condumed talky-talk, +and throw us in the air. Guess you will have to take the nomination +yourself, and run on a platform of seven words, 'Here's to the boys, +God bless 'em,'” and the red-headed boy got under Uncle Ike's arm, and +the gang went in to breakfast, Uncle Ike trying to argue against being +nominated, and having to go to the White House with a lot of tough boys +making life a burden to him, when he would have to get married, for no +President is a success as a bachelor, as Cleveland found out. As Uncle +Ike got the boys all around the table, he bent his head and reverently +asked a blessing--something he had never done before in the presence of +the red-headed boy, and when the meal was over and the boys had all +gone away, except the warm-haired one, and Uncle Ike had begun to smoke +again, the boy said to him: + +“Uncle Ike, I did not know that you belonged to any church.” + +“Well, I don't,” said Uncle Ike, as he got up and looked out of the +window, and blew smoke at a fly that was buzzing on the glass. + +“Then how could you ask a blessing, and expect that it will be heard? I +supposed a person had to be initiated in a church, and be sworn in, and +given the password, and take the degrees, before he was ordained to ask +a blessing,” said the boy. + +“No, that is not necessary,” the old man said. “Now, you haven't got +much religion, and never jined, but you give thanks to the Lord quite +often. When you are happy, and enjoying yourself, and smile and +laugh, you are unconsciously thanking the Ruler for making things so +comfortable. All pleasure is made possible by a higher power, and all +you got to do is to feel grateful, same as you would to me if I gave you +a dollar, and there you are. You just be square, and do business on the +golden rule plan, and you have got a heap more religion than some people +who are Matting about all the time. I just thought I would paralyze you +kids by showing you that I was all wool, and wanted the Lord to keep tab +on us, and know that we appreciated good health, and all that. Now, you +go to school, and don't say anything to that blue-eyed teacher of yours +that you have nominated me for President. I don't want to get girls +after me, thinking they will be mistress of the White House,” and the +old man took his gun and went down into the marsh looking for snipe. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + +Uncle Ike had been reading the morning paper, as he sat before the grate +fire, in the sitting room, while the red-headed boy was using a slate +and pencil trying to figure out something to make it match the answer +as given in the arithmetic, and having guessed the answer right he was +drawing a picture of Uncle Ike and his pipe, and occasionally wetting +his finger in his mouth and rubbing out some feature of the old man that +didn't suit. He had the old man pictured in a football costume of padded +trousers, nose guard, ear guard, knee pads, and all the different things +used in football, and when he showed the picture to Uncle Ike, that old +citizen sighed, though he looked a bit pleased that he should be the +study of so eminent an artist. Uncle Ike had been reading that there was +to be a football game that afternoon, between the State university +and Beloit college, and he wanted to go like a dog, but he had abused +football so much that he was ashamed to speak of going. + +“I hope you are not interested in that disreputable game,” said +Uncle Ike, knocking the ashes out of his pipe on the andirons of the +fireplace. “I hope you don't want to go and see respectable boys maimed +and killed, and knocked down and dragged out, and sandbagged, and +brained. I have seen a bull fight in Mexico, but I never want to see +anything as bloody as a football game,” and the old man winked to +himself, and filled the pipe. + +“Oh, what you giving me?” said the boy, jumping up in indignation. +“Football is no worse than the old-fashioned pullaway you used to play. +I am going to see this game through a knothole in the fence I rented +from a boy who has the knothole concession at the baseball park.” + +“No, you don't,” said Uncle Ike, “you will go in the gate like a +gentleman. No nephew of mine is going to grow up and be a knothole +audience. You get two or three of your chums and come around here +about 2 o'clock, and I will go with you, and stand between you and the +sluggers, and see this game out. I don't want to go, and detest the +game, but I will go to please you,” and the old man looked wise and +fatherly. + +“Oh, you don't want to go, like the way the woman kept tavern in +Michigan,” said the boy, as he edged toward the door. + +“How was it that the woman kept the hotel in Michigan?” he asked, +looking mad. + +“Like hades,” said the boy, “only the man who told me about it said she +kept tavern like h----l, but I wouldn't say that in the presence of my +dear old uncle,”, and the boy slipped out ahead of a slipper that was +kicked at him by the laughing old man. + +So in the afternoon Uncle Ike, the red-headed boy and two chums appeared +at the gate, the old man plunked down two dollars with a chuckle, asked +if he could smoke his pipe in there, and was told that he could smoke a +factory chimney if he wanted to, and they went in and got seats on the +bleachers, and as they sat down the old man said it was almost exactly +like the bull ring in Mexico. The boys explained to him that the red +ribbons were university colors and the yellow belonged to Beloit, and he +must choose which side he would root for. As the red matched his flannel +underwear and his flushed face, he said he was for the university, +and then the boys explained the game, about carrying the ball, getting +touchdowns, kicking goal, and half-back and quarter-back, and when the +teams came in and the crowd yelled, Uncle Ike felt hurt, because it +made so much noise, and people acted crazy. Uncle Ike looked the players +over, and he said that big fellow from Beloit was John L. Sullivan in +disguise, and wanted him ruled off. The play began, the ball shot out +behind the crowd, a man grabbed it and started to run, when someone +grabbed him by the legs and he went down, with the whole crowd on top of +him. Uncle Ike raised up on his feet and waved his pipe, and when one +of the men did not get up and they brought water and tried to bring him +back to life, he shouted: “That is murder. I saw that fellow with the +black socks strike him with a hatchet. Police!” but someone behind him +yelled to him to sit down, and the red-headed boy pulled his coat tail, +he sat down, and the game went on, but Uncle Ike was mad, because the +dead boy was playing as lively as anybody. + +Then a man got the ball and started on a run down the field, with the +whole crowd after him, and finally they got him down and Uncle Ike stood +up again and said: “Stop the game. I saw a fellow trip him up, and pound +him with a billy, and stab him. Say, boys, he's dead, sure. Where's the +police? Ain't there no ambulance here? Kill the umpire!” he shouted, +remembering that he was an old baseball fan. + +[Illustration: Where's the police 195] + +“Oh, don't worry, Uncle Ike, they are all right,” said the boy, waving +a long piece of red ribbon, as the two bands tried to play a “Hot Time” + and a waltz at the same time. “Now watch the kangaroo kick off,” and as +he kicked the ball the whole length of the field the old man simply sat +still and said: + +“Gee whiz, but that was a corker. U-rah-u-rah!” and the only way to stop +him was to feed him peanuts. + +From an enemy of football the old man was rapidly becoming its friend. +When the men came together at first, and went down in a heap, legs +flying in all directions, and noises like heavy blows coming to him, he +would swear he saw a man strike another with a mallet, but later in the +game he said it served the man right, and he ought to have been hit with +an ax, and before the game was over he was so interested that he got +down off the bleachers, leaned over the railing and yelled at the'' +combatants to eat 'em up, and when the game was over he rushed into the +field, hugging the players, and saying that it was the greatest thing +that ever was, and offering to act as one of the bearers to the funeral, +if anybody had been killed, and when the boys got him out of the grounds +he took up the whole sidewalk, waving his ribbons, tied on his cane, +shouting the university yell till he frothed at the mouth, and on the +way home he took the boys into a store and bought them a new football, +and insisted that they come into the front yard and play a game every +morning, and offered to have the shrubbery cut down to give them room. +As they got home, and the other boys had gone away, the red-headed boy +said: + +“Uncle Ike, you have disgraced the whole family. You went to the +football game under protest, a quiet, inoffensive citizen, ostensibly to +take care of us boys, and the first jump out of the box you got crazy, +and we had a terrible time to get you home. I don't suppose you remember +what you did do out there. Do you remember of putting your arm around a +strange lady, and hugging her, and telling her to yell? Her husband is +looking for you with a gun. Do you remember of grabbing a young woman +sitting in front of you, just as they made a touchdown, pulling her head +over into your lap, and patting her cheeks with your great big hands, +and telling her she ought to marry a football player? Her brother +is coming up street now with a baseball club. I suppose you have no +recollection of jumping up and sitting down in the lap of a woman in the +seat behind you, throwing your arms around her, and telling her she was +a darling, and squeezing her till you broke her corset. She says you +offered her marriage, and her lawyer will be here in the morning to find +out what you are going to do about it. I think you better be examined by +doctors to see if you are not getting nutty, and let them send you to a +sanitarium,” and the boy sighed, and looked at the old man as though his +heart was broken. + +“Say, did I do any of those things?” asked Uncle Ike, as he got up +and looked out of the window, and then locked the door, and acted +frightened. “Well, I'll be dumbed! I recollect the woman in front of me, +and the one behind, but I pledge you my word that I did not know that +I hugged anybody. I am willing to apologize, but I'll be condemned if +I marry any of 'em, and I'm not crazy. That confounded game got me all +mixed up, and I may have acted different from what I would ordinarily, +but it was not my intention to propose to any female.” + +“But say, Uncle Ike, what did you think of the game as a means of +building up muscle, pluck, push, get there, and general usefulness?” + asked the boy. + +“Greatest thing I ever saw,” said Uncle Ike, as he looked out of the +window, to see if any females he might have hugged in his excitement +were out there waiting for him. “Say, I saw young fellows in that game +that I used to know, who would cry if taken across their father's knee, +and beg for mercy, and they would rush into the most dangerous position, +and if knocked silly they would smile, never groan, and suck a swallow +of water out of a sponge, and go in for another knockdown. That game +will make men of the weak boys, and cause them to be afraid of nothing +that walks. The boy who pushes, and tackles, and runs through a +wilderness of other boys who are trying to down him, and get his pigskin +away, will become the pushing business man who will go through the line +of business progress, and make a touchdown in his enterprise, and he +will kick a commercial or professional goal, over the heads of all +competitors. Life is only a football game, after all. Every man in +business who is worth his salt is a pusher, a shover, a tackier, a +punter, or half-back, and the unsuccessful ones are the ones who carry +the water to bring the business players to, when they become overheated, +and do the yelling and hurrahing when the pushing business man in the +football game of life makes a touchdown. It is these rough players that +become the rough riders when war comes to the country, and they rush +the ball up San Juan hill in the face of the Spanish tacklers, and the +interference of barbed wire and other things. War is a football game +also, and the recruiting officers are not looking for the weak sisters +who can't push and shove, and fight, and fall over each other, and +when wounded laugh and say it is nothing serious. A country that has a +majority of its boys growing up to fight on the football field for fun, +has no cause to fear any war that may come to it, for if they will fight +like that in good nature, to uphold the colors of their college, what +will they do to uphold 'Old Glory,' which comprises the dearest colors +in all the world? Yes, boy, you can go on playing football, and if you +are injured your Uncle Ike will pay all the expenses, and sit up nights +with you, but you better not take me to any more games, for the first +thing you know I will be bringing home here more wives than that Utah +congressman has got. Now, go rest up, and next week I will take you to +see President McKinley, at the hotel here, and you will see him throw +his arms around me and say, 'Hello, Uncle Ike!' I used to know him when +he wasn't President,” and Uncle Ike dismissed the boy, and sat by the +window till dark, looking out to see if anybody was coming to claim his +hand in marriage, and wondering if he did make as big a fool of himself +at the football game as the boys said he did. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +It was Sunday afternoon, and Uncle Ike had been to church with the +red-headed boy, and they had listened to a sermon on patriotism, and the +minister had expressed himself on the subject of the Philippines, and +the duty the President owed to civilization to keep on killing those +negroes until they learned better than to kick at having a strange race +of people boss them around, and Uncle Ike had walked home along the +bank of the lake, and breathed the free air that was his because his +ancestors had conquered it from England, and he couldn't help having a +little sympathy for those Filipinos who had been bought from a country +that didn't own them, by a country that had no use for them, and wished +it could get rid of them honorably, without hurting the political party +that was acting as overseer over them. He didn't want to seem disloyal +to a country that he loved and had fought to preserve, but when he +thought of those poor, ignorant people, trying to learn what freedom +meant, and what there was in it for them, studying the constitution +of the United States to find out how to be good and great, and dodging +bullets, he felt as though he wished he knew just what the Savior of Man +would do in the matter if He had been elected President. He had left +the red-headed boy at Sunday-school, and now they were both back home, +waiting for the dinner bell to ring. The boy was studying some pamphlet +he had brought home, and looking mighty serious. + +“Any great problem been presented to you at Sunday-school that you are +unable to solve?” said Uncle Ike, as he walked by the boy and tried to +stroke the corrugated lines out of his forehead, and patted him on the +head. “For if there is anything you are in doubt about, all you got to +do is to let your Uncle Ike be umpire, and he will straighten it out for +you.” + +“Thank you, awfully,” said the boy, as he dropped his book, walked up +to the old man, and looked him squarely in the face. “You are the man I +have been looking for. Uncle Ike, suppose a man should haul off, without +provocation, and smash you on the side of the face, a regular stinger, +that would jar your head until you could see stars, what would you do?” + +[Illustration: I would give him one on the nose with my left hand 203] + +“Oh, say, that is an easy one,” said the old man, as he filled the pipe +and lighted it, and threw the match in the grate. “Do you know what I +would do? I would give him one on the nose with my left hand, and when +he was off his guard I would paste him one under the ear, or on the +point of the jaw, and then I would stand over him and count ten, and if +he came to, I would give him some more, and when he had got enough, I +would say to him: 'Now, when you feel that way again, and want to enjoy +yourself, you come right to me, for I don't have any too much exercise, +anyway.' But why do you ask? You knew all the time what I would do if a +man hit me,” and the old man walked around the room as though he would +like to see someone hit him. + +“That's what I feared,” said the boy, as the twinkles played around his +eyes. “You see, among the verses in the Sunday-school lesson was this +one, 'If they smite you on one cheek, turn the other cheek, also,' and +I thought I would like to get the opinion of an expert as to how to go +about it, to turn the other cheek the right way.” + +“Say, here, you don't take advantage of an old man that way,” said Uncle +Ike, as the boy began laughing. “When you ask questions like that you +want to read the verse first, and give a man a chance. 'Course, if they +smite you on one cheek, you want to do just what the Bible says. Some +of you kids make me tired,” and the old man wished dinner was ready, so +they could change the subject. + +“I told my teacher I didn't see how a fellow could turn the other cheek, +also, and maintain his standing in society, but she said it was the way +to do, and then the Sunday-school superintendent came along, and she +asked him about it. He belongs to the athletic club of the Y. M. C. A., +and I have seen him box with soft gloves, and he said it was right to +turn the other cheek, but I noticed he smiled, and then the minister +visited our class, and the teacher asked him to impress on us boys the +idea of turning the other cheek. He looked pious, and said you must +turn the other cheek when smote, as it showed a meek and forgiving +disposition, but I know the minister is a boxer, also, and I heard that +he almost jarred the head off a tramp last summer for sassing him, so +I am worried as to what it is best to do, in a case of smoting. The +teacher, you know her, the pretty girl that let you hold her hand so +long at the picnic, when you was introduced to her, and you told her you +used to know her mother when she was a girl, and used to go with her, +and all that rot, she told me I better talk it over with you, Uncle Ike, +and see what you thought about it. So you honestly think it is best for +a boy to grow up letting people get in the habit of smiting, so to see +him turn his other cheek, and get another bat on that cheek, eh? Don't +you think a boy that takes that kind of medicine, without making up +a face, ought to say, 'Thank you, ever so much,' and always wear +pinafores, and stay in the kindergarten, and if he ever grows up and +goes into business he better become a he-milliner, or a manicure, say? +It's up to you, now, Uncle Ike, and I am ready to listen, and to follow +your advice, and be a boy or a girl, just as you say, but I don't +know any girl in my set that would let anybody smite her much, without +pulling hair a little, at least.” + +Uncle Ike had been thinking pretty hard, as the boy talked, had let his +pipe go out, and his face had taken on a serious look, a look also of +pride as he listened to the boy, but he was trying to think how to steer +him right on that turning the other cheek also business. He fumbled for +the tobacco bag, and as he emptied some tobacco into the pipe, his hand +was unsteady, and he spilled a good deal on the floor, and he had to +scratch two or three matches on his pants before he could get one that +wouldn't break off, or go out. Finally he got the pipe lighted, and he +puffed a long time, and looked at himself in the big mirror over the +mantel, to see if he was looking his best, and finally he said: + +“I'll tell you, my boy, I don't think they are turning the other cheek +also when smote, as much as they used to. The theory is all right, and +if everybody would do so, there would not be any trouble, and all would +be peace. I suppose that verse in the Bible was written when the Jews +were trying to get along without having scraps all the time. There +were people there, Jew-baiters, I suppose, who just laid for them, and +knowing them to be opposed to a fight, they would smash them, and on the +advice of leaders they would turn the other cheek, and go home with a +black eye. I don't suppose I could write a Bible half as good as the old +one, but I think if that verse had been changed a little, so the Jews +would have stood up for their rights, and everlastingly lambasted +anybody that came around jarring them on the cheeks, and been brought up +to fight their way through, from Jerusalem to France, things would have +been different. But, as I say, things have changed a good deal since +Bible times. I think, now, if I was a boy, growing up to take my place +in the business world, I might try to forget that verse, or think of it +as we do of the Golden Rule, or the 'love one another' verse. You may +try as hard as you like and you can't love your neighbor as yourself, +unless he, or she, as the case may be, is a lovable person, and loves +back. There can be no arbitrary rules that will bind you against what +you think is right. Suppose your neighbor is a horsethief, or a liar, +who belongs to another political party, and backbites, and steals your +wood, and kicks your dog, and puts up jobs on you, how you going to love +that neighbor as yourself? Two or three thousand years ago maybe these +things would have been all right, when they didn't have any newspapers, +and trolley cars, and there was no business except selling fish, and no +money but coppers. I'll tell you how I shall bring up my boys, when +I have any, and that is to keep their cheeks away from the smoter who +smotes. Be on your guard, and if a boy tries to smite you on one cheek, +you duck, and side-step, and smile at him, and keep your hands up so +if he makes a feint to smite you on one cheek, just stand him off, and +maybe he will think that you are onto his smiting on the cheek business +yourself, and are no chicken, that is going to keep cheeks for other +people to smite, and he may quit, and you can laugh over it, and +consider the incident closed. But if he gets gay, and it seems to be his +day to smite cheeks, and he acts as though he had picked you out for a +soft mark, and rushes in to do you up, if I ever hear of your running, +or putting your hands down, and letting him biff you, one, two, on both +cheeks, and you come home here crying, with the nosebleed, and your eye +blacked, and you haven't done a thing to that cheek smiter, I will warm +your jacket so you will think there is a hornets' nest in it, hear +me?” and the old man looked cross and sassy. “No, sir; you just let him +search for your cheeks, and if he won't quit, you finally give him your +left in the neck, and side-step, and keep out of his way, and if he +wants more, find a place where there is an opening, and jab him until +he quits looking for cheeks to smite, and other cheeks to turn also. I +don't know as it is right, but turning the other cheek also has gone out +of style, and nobody is doing it that has got any gravel in their crop. +Don't let me ever catch you fighting, that is, bringing on a fight, but +don't you ever let anybody use you to practice that verse on, because +your minister or your Sunday-school superintendent wouldn't allow +anybody to smite them without getting hurt.” + +“Well, I like that,” said the boy, getting up and starting for the +dining room. “I will do just as you say, Uncle Ike, and try to avoid +trouble. But what shall I tell that blue-eyed teacher you advised +me--the one, you know, that you was so sweet on at the picnic?” + +“Oh, tell her I told you to try and grow up to be a regular +thoroughbred, like your Uncle Ike, and only turn the other cheek to +girls, see! And tell her I never squeezed anybody's hand at a picnic, +unless they commenced it, by gosh!” and the old man took the red-headed +boy in his arms and carried him bodily into the dining room, and there +was a smile on his good old face that was good to look upon. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +Uncle Ike had met with a misfortune that troubled him, and he was +smoking and trying to think of some way to explain the affair. All his +life he had been an all-around sport, and cluck shooting had been his +hobby. He had prided himself that he could ride any boat that an Indian +could, and bragged that he had never got his feet wet in his forty years +as a duck shooter; but this morning he had gone out in a boat, before +anybody was up about the house, and when he was not looking, a wave +tipped the boat up on one side, filled it with water, and had gone down +with him before he could say Jack Robinson, and he had floundered around +in mud and water up to his armpits, singing “A life on the ocean wave,” + and yelling for somebody to come and tie him loose. + +[Illustration: A life on the ocean wave 211] + +A neighbor had come with a boat, and dragged him ashore, and he had +taken off his wet clothes, hung them on the fence to dry, put on some +dry clothes, and he was smoking his pipe and wringing the water out +of his wet pants, when the red-headed boy came out to inquire into the +marine disaster. + +“Getting your washing out pretty early in the morning, Uncle Ike,” said +the boy, as he lifted a wet sweater off the fence, and took some wet +cartridges out of the pockets. “Is it healthy to go in swimming with so +many clothes on? How did this thing happen, anyway?” + +“Now, don't get gay,” said Uncle Ike, “and I will tell you. It was +blowing a hurricane, and the wind took the boat up in the air about ten +feet, and it dove down head first, and what could I do but get out? +A cramp took me in the leg, and I stood on t'other leg, but I wasn't +afraid. I didn't yell, but just said to a man who was about half a mile +away, says I, 'Kindly assist me to land,' and he took me by the shirt +collar and escorted me to the shore.” + +“I see,” said the boy; “you whispered to him, when he was half a mile +away, but did not yell for help. Oh, you're a mark, trying to make +believe you are young enough to enjoy sport. Say, you ought to have a +shawl strap on you, so your rescuer can have something to take hold of; +and if I were in your place, I would get the dimensions of Noah's ark, +and have one made to fit me. You better buy your ducks, and stay on +land. But now that the Prodigal Uncle has got back, I am going out to +kill a fatted calf, and we will have a calf banquet. Say, Uncle Ike, +did you ever read about the Prodigal Son? We had it in our Sunday-school +lesson last Sunday. They didn't do a thing to him, did they?” + +“Yes, I have read about the Prodigal Son, and I give it to you +straight--he was the greatest chump mentioned in the Bible, and +sometimes I think you are a dead ringer for him!” and the old man laughed +at the boy. + +“Oh, I don't know,” said the boy, as he poured some water out of Uncle +Ike's rubber boots, that hung on the fence; “you and Noah size up about +right. If you had been running that ark, you would have spilled the +whole outfit, and nobody ever would have got ashore. But that Prodigal +Son makes me tired. He was a regular jay. He run away from home, and got +in with a terrible crowd, and they pulled his leg for all the money +he had. They steered him up against barrel houses, and filled him with +liquor that would burn a hole in a copper kettle, got him mixed up with +queer women, and he painted the towns red; and when his money was all +gone, they kicked him out with a case of indigestion and a head on him +that hurt so he could not wink without thinking there was an earthquake. +Say, Uncle Ike, do you know that fellow had some sense after all? When +he found that all his new-found friends wanted was his money, and to +help him spend it, and that they shook him when it was gone, he had a +right to be disgusted with the world; and if he had been like some of +our present day prodigals, he would have turned tramp, or held up +a train, or stolen a horse and been lynched; but he just tumbled to +himself and took the first job that came along, herding hogs, but he +didn't live high. He worked for his board and furnished his own husks. +Do you know, I can't help thinking the man that hired Prod. to drive +hogs was in a trust, and made all the money there was in the deal. But +he was repaid for all his suffering. When he thought of the old folks at +home, and drew his wages and started back, without clothes enough on him +to wad a gun, thinking maybe they would stick up their noses and say he +smelled bad, and quarantine him, and make him take a bath, but, instead +of doing so, they just fell on his neck and wept, and set up a calf +lunch for him, he must have thought the world was worth living in. Uncle +Ike, were you ever a prodigal son?” and the boy turned over the wet +clothes so the sun would dry the other side. + +“Yes, sir, I have been a prodigal son, and every boy who goes away from +home to make his own living is a prodigal son, in a way,” and he and +the boy sat down under a tree, the one to talk and the other to listen. +“When a boy decides to leave the old roof tree at home to go out into +the world, it is most always against the wishes of his parents; but he +argues with them, and finally prevails on them to let him go. It is what +he amounts to after he gets away that makes him either a prodigal or a +thoroughbred. If a boy goes into bad company, and thinks the world is +made to spend unearned money in, instead of to earn money in and save +it, it is only a matter of time when he comes back home a prodigal son, +either alive and needing a doctor and a mother's care, or he comes in +a box to be buried, his father to pay the express charges. On the other +hand, if he gets a job, doing something, anything, masters the business, +and becomes a valuable citizen, maybe in time at the head of his +profession or business, some day he comes home to the old folks, and +there are smiles instead of tears, a brass band instead of the singing +by the funeral choir, and he pays the mortgage on the old homestead, +instead of having his father pay express charges on the remains. That +is the difference. All boys can be prodigals if they have the prodigal +bacillus in their systems when they go out into the world; but if they +have the get-there-Eli microbe concealed in their pajamas when they go +away, they can laugh at the traps and nets that are thrown out to catch +them, stand off the alleged friends who try to induce them to go +into the red paint business, use the red liquor to rub on bruises and +strained muscles on the outside, instead of taking it internally to +build fires that never quench. Which kind of a prodigal nephew you want +to be--one who comes home with a suit of clothes and a bank account, the +glow of health on your cheek, and a love of life and all that goes with +it; or a prodigal with a blanket, a haversack full of husks that the +hogs won't eat, all the diseases that are going in the set you have +moved in, and a desire to die on the doorstep of the old home before +they can cook the calf? Which you want to be, boy?” + +“I'll tell you, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, laying his head in the old +man's lap, as they sat under the tree; “I am going to be the kind of +a prodigal who comes home with the good health, and the money, and the +appetite for calf; and when you are old, Uncle Ike, you sha'n't get wet +any more, for I will buy you a duck boat that can't be tipped over with +jackscrews, that you can't break with an ax, and that has air chambers +in both ends, so it couldn't be sunk if loaded with railroad iron; and +I will buy you a pump gun that will shoot ducks without your aiming it, +and you shall have a picnic as long as you live. That is the kind of +prodigal nephew I am going to be”; and the old man stroked the red hair +on the head that lay in his lap, and the tears stole down his cheeks as +he thought what a difference there was in prodigals. He thought of his +own prodigal days, when he went out from the home roof tree to make his +way in the world; how he worked on a farm from long before daylight in +the morning, till all the rest had gone to bed, and his back ached so +he could not sleep; how he jumped the farm when he found his wages +decreased as the work became harder and the weather colder, and he went +into the city and worked at many different trades, and finally became +a printer, and grew up to be an editor, made money and went back home a +grown man, with a moustache that actually had to be combed; and how the +girls that would not speak to him when he was a dirty, freckled boy, +wanted to give parties in his honor, and how he shook them; and now he +regretted, old bachelor that he was, that he had not allowed them to +entertain him, so he might have picked out the best one of them for his +wife; and he sighed, and got up and wrung some more water out of his +wet clothes hanging on the fence, and wondered how in the world he could +have allowed himself to be tipped over in a boat, and if he actually did +make a fool of himself when he was there in the water, wishing he hadn't +gone hunting at all. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Uncle Ike and The Red Headed Boy, by +George W. 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Peck + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Uncle Ike and The Red Headed Boy, by +George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Peck's Uncle Ike and The Red Headed Boy + 1899 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25490] +Last Updated: October 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S UNCLE IKE *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="Cover " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" alt="Frontispiece " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/titlepage.jpg" alt="Titlepage " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + PECK'S UNCLE IKE AND THE RED HEADED BOY + </h1> + <h2> + By George W. Peck + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h4> + Alexander Belford & Co. - 1899 + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + <big><b>To the Typical American Boy,</b></big> + </p> + <p> + The boy who is not so awfully good, along at first, but just good enough; + the boy who does not cry when he gets hurt, and goes into all the + dangerous games there are going, and goes in to win; the boy who loves his + girl with the same earnestness that he plays football, and who takes the + hard knocks of work and play until he becomes hardened to anything that + may come to him in after life; the boy who will investigate everything in + the way of machinery, even if he gets his fingers pinched, and learns how + to make the machine that pinched him; the boy who, by study, experience, + and mixing up with the world, knows a little about everything that he will + have to deal with when he grows up—the all-around boy, that makes + the all-around man, ready for anything, from praying for his country's + prosperity to fighting for its honor; the boy who grows up qualified to + lead anything, from the german at a dance to an army in battle; the boy + who can take up a collection in church, or take up an artery on a man + injured in a railroad accident, without losing his nerve; the boy who can + ask a blessing if called upon to do so, or ask a girl's ugly father for + the hand of his daughter in marriage, without choking up; the boy who + grows up to be a man whom all men respect, all women love, and whom + everybody wants to see President of the United States, this book is + respectfully dedicated by + </p> + <p> + The Author. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + </td> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </p> + </td> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + List of Illustrations + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Cover </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Frontispiece </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Titlepage </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> A Dog Biscuit Would Have Been Mince Pie + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0005"> Something the Matter With This 'ere + Terbacker </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0006"> It Does Not Take Opera Music to Get + People To Heaven </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0007"> Wanted Me to Send For a Doctor </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0008"> Grabbed a Circus Man by the Arm </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0009"> My Boy, You Are Going to Lose Your Uncle + Ike </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0010"> Which is Jeffries </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0011"> We Are Going to Have the Petition </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0012"> Bump That Indicates That You Will Steal + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0013"> She is a Nice, Warm-looking Girl </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0014"> A Lot of Us Boys Are Going to the + Klondike </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0015"> I Heard a Rumor About You Yesterday </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0016"> Here, This Plaster Has Got to Be Removed + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0017"> Nothing on But a Flour Sack </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0018"> Been Trying to Smoke the Old Man's Pipe, + Eh! </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0019"> Take to the Chaparral, Condemn You </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0020"> You Better Call It a Draw </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0021"> We Came to Offer You the Position of + Colonel </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0022"> Where Did You Get That Watch </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0023"> What Dum Foolishness You Got on Hand Now + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0024"> Squirming Like a Lot of Angleworms </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0025"> Where's the Police </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0026"> I Would Give Him One on the Nose With My + Left Hand </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0027"> A Life on the Ocean Wave </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> + <p> + “Here, Uncle Ike, let me give you a nice piece of paper, twisted up + beautifully, to light your pipe,” said the red-headed boy, as Uncle Ike, + with his long clay pipe, filled with ill-smelling tobacco, was feeling in + his vest pocket for a match. “I should think nice white paper would be + sweeter to light a pipe with than a greasy old match scratched on your + pants,” and the boy lighted a taper and handed it to the old man. + </p> + <p> + “No, don't try any new tricks on me,” said Uncle Ike, as he brought out a + match, from his vest pocket, picked off the shoddy that had collected on + it in the bottom of his pocket, and hitched his leg around so he could + scratch it on his trousers leg. “I have tried lighting my pipe with paper, + and the odor of the paper kills the flavor of this 10-cent tobacco. Now, + the brimstone on a match, added to the friction of the trousers leg, helps + the flavor of the tobacco,” and he drew the match across his trousers, and + lighted his pipe, and as the smoke began to fill the room his good old + face lighted up as though he had partaken of a rich wine. “I like to get a + little accustomed to brimstone here on this earth, so, if I get on the + wrong road when I die, and go where brimstone is the only fuel, I won't + appear to the neighbors down there as though I was a tenderfoot. Wherever + I go, I always want to appear as though it wasn't my first trip away from + home. Ah, children,” said the old man, as he blew smoke enough out of his + mouth to call out a fire department, and laughed till the windows rattled, + “there is lots of fun in this old world, if your pipe don't go out. Don't + miss any fun, because when you die you don't know whether there is any fun + going on or not.” + </p> + <p> + “I believe, Uncle Ike, that you would have fun anywhere,” said the boy, as + he thought of the funny stories the old man had told him for many years, + and listened to the laugh that acted as punctuation marks to all of Uncle + Ike's remarks. “I would hate to trust you at a funeral. Did you ever laugh + at a funeral, Uncle?” + </p> + <p> + “I came mighty near it once,” said the old man, as he put his little + finger in the pipe and pressed down the ashes, and let the smoke out again + like the chimney of a factory. + </p> + <p> + “O, my! why don't they make you use a smoke consumer on that pipe, or + cause you to use smokeless tobacco?” said the boy, as he coughed till the + tears came to his eyes. “It looks in this room like burning a tar barrel + when Dewey sunk the Spanish fleet. But tell us about your funny funeral.” + </p> + <p> + “O, it wasn't so funny,” said the old man, as he stroked the stubble on + his chin, and a twinkle came all around his eyes. “It was only my thoughts + that come near breaking up the funeral. There was an old friend of mine + years ago, a newspaper man, who was the most genial and loving soul I ever + knew, but he stuttered so you couldn't help laughing to hear him. He could + write the most beautiful things without stuttering, but when he began to + talk, and the talk would not come, and he stammered, and puckered up his + dear face, and finally got the words out, chewed up into little pieces, + with hyphens between the syllables, you had to laugh or die. We were great + friends, and used to smoke and tell stories together, and pass evenings + that I can now recall as the sweetest of my life. There were many things + in which we were alike. We smoked the same kind of tobacco, in clay pipes, + and lived on the same street, and, after an evening of pleasure, whichever + of us was the least wearied with the day's work and night of enjoyment + walked home with the other. We used to talk about the hereafter, and + promised each other to see that the one that died first should not have a + funeral sermon that would give us taffy. It was my friend's idea that, if + the minister spread it on too thick, he would raise up in the coffin and + protest. He was not what you would call a good Christian, as the world + goes, but I would trust him to argue with St. Peter about getting inside + the gate, because, if his stutter ever got St. Peter to laughing, my + friend would surely get in. Well, he died, and I was one of the bearers at + the funeral, with seven others of his old friends; and when the minister + was picturing the virtues of the deceased which he never possessed, one of + the bouquets on the coffin rolled off on the floor, and I thought of what + my friend had said about calling the minister down, and in my imagination + I could see the old fellow raising up in the coffin and stuttering, and + puckering up his face there on that solemn occasion, and for about ten + seconds it seemed as though I would split with laughter; but I held it in, + and we got the good old genius buried all right, but it was a terrible + strain on my vest buttons,” and the old smoker lighted another match on + his trousers and started the pipe, which had grown cold as he talked of + the stuttering remains. + </p> + <p> + “O, say, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, as he shuddered a little at the idea of + a stuttering corpse talking back at a minister, “speaking of heaven, do + you think the men that furnished embalmed beef to the soldiers and made + them sick in Cuba will get to heaven when they die?” + </p> + <p> + “That depends a good deal on whether a political pull is any good over + there,” said Uncle Ike, as he reached for the yellow paper of tobacco and + filled up the clay pipe again. “<i>I think a soldier is the noblest work + of God</i>. A young man who has got everything just as he wants it at + home, parents who love him, and perhaps a girl who believes he is the + dearest man that ever wore a choker collar; who hears that his country + needs help, and gives up his spring mattress, his happy home, his evenings + with the dearest girl in the world, gives up baking powder biscuits and + strawberry shortcake, and enlists to go to Cuba, and sleeps on the ground + in the mud, gets malaria, and fights on his knees when he is too weak to + stand up, deserves something better than decayed meat, and I believe the + people who furnished that stuff for the boys are going right straight to + hell when they die,” and a look of revenge and horror and indignation came + over the old man's face that the boy had not seen before in all the years + he had known his uncle. “No, sir,” said he; “the smell of that canned beef + will stick to the garments of those who prepared it and those who + furnished it to those boys; and if one of them got into heaven by crawling + under the canvas, every angel there would hold her nose and make up a + face, and they would send for the devil with his pitchfork to' throw him + out. The verdict of no board of investigation is going to be received as a + passport to heaven.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/011.jpg" + alt="A Dog Biscuit Would Have Been Mince Pie 011 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Why, a dog biscuit would have been mince pie to the soldiers in + comparison to the stuff the rich beef packers furnished to those young + noblemen with the kyack uniforms on. To make a little more money, men who + have millions of dollars to burn, bilked a weak and overworked set of + officials with incipient paresis and locomotor ataxia in their walk and + conversation, and sawed on to them stuff that self-respecting pigs could + not have digested without taking pepsin tablets; and with that embalmed + and canned outrage on humanity in their stomachs those brave men charged + in the face of an enemy, and were hungry heroes, loaded with decayed beef + from a country that produces the finest food in the world. Tramps, begging + at the back gates of American homes, were living on the fat of the land; + dogs could gnaw fresh and sweet meat off of bones thrown away, and laugh + at our soldiers carrying Old Glory to victory up hills shelled and + bulleted and barbed-wire fenced. A bullet from a Spanish gun, entering the + stomach of an American soldier, turned black when it came in contact with + the embalmed beef there, and poisoned the brave soldier, and made him die, + with thoughts of home, and mother, and sweetheart, and his lips closed for + the last time, silent as to his wrongs, uncomplaining as to the murder + committed by the millionaires at home. The business of packing meat ought + to be combined with the undertaking business, so you could order your meat + and your coffin from the same man. By cracky! Boy, I am so mad when I + think of it, that I don't want to go to heaven if those people go there. + Go out, dears, for a minute, for I want to use language that you can't + find in the school books!” and Uncle Ike got up out of his chair, pale + with anger, and smashed his pipe on the stone hearth, and a tear rolled + down his cheek. “Why, Uncle Ike, I didn't mean to make you cry,” said the + red-headed boy, as he backed out of the room, frightened at the old man. + </p> + <p> + “Well, never mind, boy; don't worry about your Uncle Ike, because at my + age, when a man gets mad clear through, he has to have vent, or bust,” and + the old fellow laughed as hearty as though he had never been mad in his + life. “But I have a tender spot for soldiers who go to fight for their + country, and when they are abused I feel that somebody is guilty of + treason. I was a soldier in the war between the North and South, and have + seen soldiers hungry, so hungry that they would take raw corn out of the + nosebags of mules that were eating it, until a mule would begin to kick + seven ways for Sunday when he saw a soldier coming; but it couldn't be + helped, because the government couldn't keep up with the soldiers with + rations, when they were on the jump night and day. But, do you know we had + fun all the time we were hungry? There were Irish soldiers in my regiment + who would keep you good natured when you were ready to die. The Irish + soldier is so funny and so cheerful that he should have good pay. If I was + going to raise a regiment, I would have one Irish soldier, at least, to + every seven other soldiers, and my Irish boy would keep them all laughing + by his wit, so they would stand any hardship. I have seen an Irish boy + parch his corn that he had stolen from a mule, spread it out on a saddle + blanket in four piles, go and ask three officers to dine with him, and, + when they sat down on the ground to eat the parched corn, he wouldn't let + them begin the meal until he made a welcoming speech, and had the chaplain + ask a blessing over the corn; and then he would go without his share, and + tell funny stories until the guests would laugh until they almost choked. + The Irish soldier is worth his weight in gold in any army, boy, and he is + in all armies, on one side or the other, and generally on both sides. The + only objection I have to an Irishman is that he smokes one of these short + pipes,” and the old man lit up his long clay pipe, and let the boy go out + to think over the lesson of the morning. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> + <p> + Uncle Ike sat and smoked his pipe in silence for a few minutes, blew the + smoke out in clouds, and looked at it as though searching for something, + and there was a serious look on his face, as though he was trying to + fathom some mystery, while the redheaded boy was looking at himself in a + hand mirror to see if the freckles on his nose were any smaller since he + had been using some of his mother's toilet powder to remove them. Finally + Uncle Ike put the bowl of the pipe to his nose and smelled of the burning + tobacco, turned up his nose and snuffed, and said: + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/017.jpg" + alt="Something the Matter With This 'ere Terbacker 017 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “There is something the matter with this 'ere terbacker. I suppose the + terbacker makers have got into a trust, and they don't care how the stuff + smells. Condemned if I ain't half a mind to quit smoking and break up the + trust.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I forgot to tell you,” said the red-headed boy, “that I fixed your + tobacco for you so it would not smell so bad. I put some cinnamon bark and + wiener skins in it.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, of all things!” said Uncle Ike, as he emptied the tobacco out of + the pipe by rapping it on the heel of his boot, and looked sick. “What in + the name of heaven is wiener skins?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, it is the envelope that goes around a wiener sausage. Us boys were + smoking cigarettes one day made of paper and dried dandelion leaves, and + the boy at the butcher shop said if we would dry some wiener skin and cut + it up and put it in the cigarette and smoke it, it would make the finest + flavor, and make us strong. I tried it, and the cigarette smelled just + like camping out and cooking over a camp-fire, and the next day I was so + strong ma noticed it. I thought you were getting old, and I would make you + strong and young again. Don't you notice how different the smoke smells + since I fixed the tobacco? I was going to put in some red pepper pods, but——” + </p> + <p> + “Here, hold on!” said Uncle Ike. “The butcher has got you mixed up. He was + giving you a recipe for a Mexican pudding. But don't you ever try any + experiments on your Uncle Ike any more. I don't want to be made strong any + more on sausage skins. A gymnasium is good enough for me, and it don't + smell like burning a negro at the stake. I know anything would help the + flavor of this terbacker, but I have got used to it, after about sixty + years burning it under my nose, and, if the trust will not water the stock + with baled hay or cut cabbage, I will try and pull through as it is. So + you experiment on yourself, condemn you! I knew it was you that had + disturbed my terbacker. I can tell by the freckles on your face when you + have done anything wrong. A boy that is freckled has got to be square, or + I am right on to him. When you are guilty, the freckles on your nose are + changeable; one will be yellow, like saffron, and another freckle seems + pale, and little drops of perspiration appear between the freckles; and + then several small freckles will combine into one, like a trust, and you + are given completely away. So remember, as long as you wear freckles, if + you do anything crooked, there is a sign right on your face that tells the + tale.” + </p> + <p> + “Say, Uncle Ike, what is a trust?” asked the redheaded boy, anxious to + turn the subject away from wiener skins and freckles. “What good does a + trust do?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, a trust is one of these things,” said Uncle Ike, as he opened a new + paper of tobacco, and threw the old paper, that had been treated with + foreign substances, into the fire, “one of these things that are for the + benefit of the dear people. You have heard of selling a gold brick, + haven't you? The man who sells a gold brick has a brass brick made with a + hole in it, in which he puts some gold, and he lets the jay who wants to + invest in raw gold test it by putting acid on the place where the gold is + filled in, and the jay finds that the brick is solid gold, and he buys it, + after mortgaging his farm to raise the money. The man sells the gold brick + cheap, because the jay is his friend, and when he has got out of the + country the jay tries to sell his gold brick for eight hundred dollars, + and he gets two dollars and eighty cents for it. That is one kind of a + trust. The trust you mean is a combination of several factories, for + instance. The promoter gets all the factories in one line of business to + combine. They pay each factory proprietor more than his business is worth, + and he is tickled, but they only pay him part money, and give him stock in + the combine for the balance, and let him run his old business, now owned + by others, at a good salary, and he gets the big head and buys a + rubber-tired carriage, and sends his family to Europe. Then the trust + closes down his factory and throws his men out of employment, lowers the + price of goods to run out others who have not entered the trust, and the + people who get goods cheap say a trust is the noblest work of God. After + the outsiders have been ruined, and the man who entered the trust in good + faith has spent the money they gave him, and tries to sell the stock he + received, it has gone down to seven cents on a dollar, and the trust buys + it in, and he cables his family to come home in the steerage of a cattle + ship. His old employees have gone to the poorhouse or to selling bananas + with a cart, and the former manufacturer who was happy and prosperous has + become poor and shabby, and he looks at his closed factory, with its + broken windows, and he tries to get a position pushing a scraper on the + asphalt pavement, and if he fails he either jumps off the pier into the + lake, or takes a gun and goes gunning for the trust promoter who ruined + him. And after the factory man is drowned, or sent to the penitentiary for + murder, the stock in the trust takes a bound and is away above par, and he + hasn't got any of it, and the poor competitors of the trust having been + ruined and closed up, prices of the goods go up kiting, and the dear + people who said a trust was the noblest work of God say it is the dumbdest + work of man, and they pass resolutions to down the trust, while the owners + of the good stock in the trust stick out their fat stomachs, full of + champagne and canvasback and terrapin, and laugh at the people till they + nearly die of apoplexy, and drive bob-tailed horses that live better than + the people, and carry blanketed dogs on velvet-cushioned carriages, that + would turn up their noses at good wiener skins worse than I did when you + loaded my tobacco, you little red-headed rascal,” and Uncle Ike drew a + long breath, and brought his fist down on the table in anger, as he got + worked up over the wrongs of the people at the hands of the gold brick + trusts. + </p> + <p> + “Gosh,” said the red-headed boy, as his eyes kept opening wider and wider + when he took in all Uncle Ike had said, “I should think the people would + have the trusts arrested for breach of promise.” + </p> + <p> + “What do you know about breach of promise?” said Uncle Ike, coloring up + and looking foolish. “Who has been telling you about my being arrested + once for breach of promise? If your mother has told you about that old + trouble I had, I'll leave this house and go board at a tavern.” + </p> + <p> + “I never heard anything about it, Uncle Ike, so help me. I never heard + that you was ever in love.” + </p> + <p> + “I never was in love,” said the old man, as he loaded up the pipe again, + “except with my pipe. That affair was a clear case of a dog getting stuck + on a man, and the owner of the dog thinking she was being loved. You see I + went to a summer resort years ago, and got acquainted with a widow. She + was a sweet creature, but I never said a word to her about marriage. She + had a pug dog, and I petted the dog, and called it to me, and, do you + know, that dog got so he would follow me, and set on my lap, and come to + my room, and whine, until I got scared. I talked with the widow some, and + once I took her and the dog out boat riding, but I never gave her any + cause to think that I was in love with her. But you ought to have seen + that dog. He just doted on me. I encouraged it till all the guests at the + hotel began to notice that I was very dear to the dog, and the widow + looked on smilingly and encouraged the intimacy. Then I tried to drive the + dog away from me, but he would curl up at my feet and look up at me in + such a loving manner that I weakened. Then the widow began to hint at her + desire to have someone that the dog could look up to and love, and it was + getting too warm, and I left the summer resort, and was sued for breach of + promise. Of course I didn't know what the woman or the dog would swear to, + so I settled for a thousand dollars. The next year I called at the summer + resort, and found the dog stuck on another man, and I know just as well as + can be that the widow paid her expenses each summer by that dog getting in + love with men, and I have never looked at a woman twice since.” + </p> + <p> + “Served them right,” said the boy, who had an idea that Uncle Ike was + right about everything. “I don't take much stock in girls myself. I am + mighty glad I haven't got any sister. The boys that have got sisters are + in hot water all the time, and have to go home with them from parties, and + carry their rubbers to school when it rains, and fight for them if the + other boys call them tomboys. Sisters are no good,” and the red-headed boy + looked smart, as though he had said something Uncle Ike would applaud. + </p> + <p> + “There, that will do,” said Uncle Ike, as he put his hand in the boy's + hair to warm it. “Don't let me ever hear you say a word against sisters + again. You don't know anything about sisters. They are great. Let me tell + you a story. I know a man who is away up in public affairs, at the head of + his profession in his county, and one the world will hear more about some + of these days. He was just such a little shrimp as you are, when he was a + boy. He got out of the high school, and was going to clerk in a feed + store, when his sister took him one side, one Sunday, and told him she + wanted him to go to college. He almost fainted away at the idea. There + wasn't much money in the family to burn on a boy's education, and he knew + it, and he asked where the money was to come from. This little sister of + the poor boy said she would furnish the money. She knew that he would be + one of the great men of the country, if he had a college education, and it + was arranged for him to go to college, this little sister being his backer + financially. She had a musical education, and began to look for chances to + make money. She took scholars in music, and was so anxious to make money + for this brother to blow in on an education that she fairly forced music + into all her pupils, working night and day, often with her head ready to + split open with pain, but every week she rounded up money enough to send + to that brother at college, and for four years there never was a Monday + morning that he did not get a postoffice order from that sweet girl, and + every day a letter of encouragement, and advice, and when he graduated a + pale girl stood below the platform with bright eyes and a feverish cheek, + and when he came down off the platform with his diploma he grasped her in + his arms and said, 'Sister, darling,' and kissed her in the presence of + five thousand people, and she fainted. She had worked as no man works, for + four years, and the result was a brother, a lawyer, a grand man, who loves + that sister as though she was an angel from heaven. So, confound you, if I + ever hear you say a word against sisters again, I will take you across my + knee and you will think the millennium has come and struck you right on + the pants,” and Uncle Ike patted the boy on the cheek, and said they had + better go out and catch a mess of fish. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, did you ever take many degrees in secret societies?” asked the + red-headed boy, as he saw the old gentleman reading an account of a man + who was killed during initiation into a lodge, by being spanked with a + clapboard on which cartridges had been placed. + </p> + <p> + “About a hundred degrees, I should think, without counting up,” said Uncle + Ike, as he thought over the different lodges he had belonged to in the + past fifty years. “What set you to thinking about secret societies?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I thought I would join a few, and have some fun. I read every little + while about some one being killed while being initiated, and it seems to + me the death rate is about as great as it is in Cuba or the Philippines. + Is there much fun in killing a man, Uncle Ike?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, not much for the man who is killed,” said the old man, as he gave + the grand hailing sign of distress for the boy to bring him his pipe and + tobacco. “Accidents will happen, you know. It isn't one man in ten + thousand that gets killed being initiated.” + </p> + <p> + “What do people join lodges for, anyway, when they are liable to croak?” + said the boy, as he passed the ingredients for a fumigation to the uncle. + “Don't you think there ought to be laws against initiating, the same as + clipping horses and cutting their tails off, or cutting off clogs' tails + and ears? What do the lodges have those funny ceremonies for?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, a fool boy can ask more questions than the oldest man can answer,” + said Uncle Ike, as he hitched around in his chair, and looked mysterious, + as he thought of the grips and passwords he once knew. “No, there is no + occasion for laws against men going up against any game. Most men join + lodges because they think it is a good thing, and after they have taken a + few degrees they want all there are, and after awhile the degrees keep + getting harder, and they think of more to come, and by and by they get + enough. In most lodges all men are on an equal footing, the prince and the + pauper are all alike. Occasionally there is a man who thinks because he is + rich or prominent in some way, that he is smarter than the ordinary man in + a lodge. Then is the time that the rest try to teach him humility, and + show him that he is only a poor mortal. It does some men good to have + their diamonds removed, their good clothes replaced by the tattered + garments of the tramp, and then let them look at themselves and see how + little they amount to. In some lodges a man is taught a useful lesson by + stripping him to the buff and taking a clapboard and letting a common + laborer maul him until he finds out that he is not the whole business. If + that were done occasionally by society you wouldn't find so many men + looking over the common people. It would take the starch out of some + people to feel that if they put on too many airs they would be liable to + have a boot hit them any time. Lodges sometimes make good men out of the + worst material. In some lodges the Prince of Wales would have to walk + turkey right beside a well-digger, and it would do the prince good and not + hurt the well-digger. But if I was in your place I would not join a lodge + yet. Try the Salvation Army first,” and Uncle Ike got up and went to the + window, and listened to the bugle and bass drum and tambourine of the army + as it passed on its nightly round. + </p> + <p> + “That Salvation army makes me tired,” said the red-headed boy, as he + reached for his putty blower. “Going around the streets palming that noise + off on the public for music, and scaring horses, and taking up a + collection, and singing out of tune. Say, I'll bet I can blow a chunk of + putty into that girl's bonnet and make her jump like a box car in a + collision,” and the boy opened the window and was taking aim at the + tambourine girl's bonnet when Uncle Ike reached out and took the putty + blower away from him and said: + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/027.jpg" + alt="It Does Not Take Opera Music to Get People To Heaven 027 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Don't ever worry those poor people, or let any other boy bother them when + you are around. They are entitled to the respect of all good people. It + does not take opera music to get people to heaven. Even that wretched + music they give so freely, may turn some poor wretch from the wrong to the + right way, and a poor devil who becomes a follower of Christ from + practicing following the Salvation army is just as welcome in heaven as + though he went to church with a four-in-hand and listened to a heavenly + choir that is paid a hundred dollars per. It does not seem possible to + some rich people that St. Peter is going to extend the glad hand to a + dockwolloper, and let the rich man stand out in the cold until he tells + how he used his money on earth, whether to oppress the poor or to make + them glad. Lots of men are going to be fooled thinking they are going to + get inside the pearly gates on the strength of their money, but some of + them may have to be vouched for by a Salvation army lassie. So, boy, if + you love your old uncle, always respect the religion of every soul on + earth, and don't fire putty at any girl's bonnet. You hear me?” and the + old man patted the boy on the back, and his old face looked angelic, + through the tobacco smoke cloud. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Uncle Ike, you are the queerest man I ever saw,” said the + red-headed boy, as he wiped a tear out of his eye with his shirt sleeve. + “There is nothing I can do to agree with you, until you have talked to me + a little. When I feel funny, and want to laugh, you make me cry; and when + I get serious about something, and get you to talking, you get me to + laughing. I never agree with you until you have had your say. But I agree + with you on one thing; you said the other day, when we were talking about + breach of promise, that you were never in love. That's where you and I are + alike. It makes me weary to see some boys in love with girls, and run + around after them, and make themselves laughing stock of everybody. If a + girl should get in love with me, I would tell her to go to thunder, and I + would laugh at her, and tell all the boys she was silly. There is no good + in love. I thought I liked a girl once, and gave her a German silver ring + that I got off an old china pipe stem; and she loved me just a week, and + then she shook me because the German silver ring corroded on her finger + and gave her blood poison. It wasn't true love, or she would have stuck to + me if she had been obliged to have her finger amputated. Bah! I was so + discouraged that I will never have anything to say to a girl again, and I + will grow up to be an old bach like you, who never did love anybody but a + dog. Isn't that so, Uncle Ike?” “Did I say I never loved any woman?” said + Uncle Ike, as he looked away off, apparently his eyes penetrating the dim + past, and a wet spot on his cheek that kept getting wetter, and spreading + around his face, until he wiped it off with one end of his necktie. “Why, + boy, don't you ever tell your ma, but I have been in love enough to send a + man to the insane asylum. You think you will never love any girl again, on + account of that blood poisoning. Why, blood poison is nowhere beside love. + Some day you will have a girl pass to windward of you, and when cool air + of heaven blows a breath of her presence toward you, the love microbe will + enter your system with the odor of violets that comes from her, and there + is no medicine on earth that will cure you. The first thing you know you + will follow that girl like a poodle, and if she wants you to walk on your + hands and knees, and carry her parasol in your mouth, you will do it. When + she looks at you the perspiration will start out all over you, and you + will think there is only one pair of eyes in the world, that all beautiful + eyes have been consolidated into one pair of blue ones, and that they are + as big as moons. If you touch her hand you will feel a thrill go up your + arm and down your spine, as you do when a four-pound bass strikes your + frog when you are fishing. She will see that your necktie is on sideways, + and she will take hold of it to fix it, and you will not breathe for fear + she will go away, and when she gets you fixed so you will pass in a crowd, + you will be paralyzed all over, and unable to move, until she beckons you + to come along, and when you start to walk you will feel all over like your + foot is asleep. Walking a block or two beside this girl will be to you + better than a trip to Europe, and a look at her face will seem to you a + glimpse of heaven, and angels, and you will leave her after the too short + interview, and you will be glad you are alive, and then you may see her + riding in a street car with another, and you will want to commit murder. + When these things occur, boy, you are in love, and you have got it bad. + You think you don't love anybody, but you will. I have been there, boy, + and there is no escape without taking to the woods, and love will make a + trail through the forest, and over glaciers, and catch you if you don't + watch out. So when love gets into your system, that way, just hold up your + hands as though a hold-up man had the drop on you with a revolver, and let + the girl go through you. The only way I escaped was that the girl married. + Now go away and let me alone, boy, or I shall have to take you across my + knee,” and the red-headed boy backed out of the room and left Uncle Ike, + his trembling fingers rattling the yellow paper of tobacco, trying to fill + his pipe, and as the boy got outdoors and blew a charge of putty from his + blower at the washwoman bending over the wash-tub, he said: + </p> + <p> + “Well, Uncle Ike hasn't had a picnic all his life.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> + <p> + “What is the matter with your Aunt Almira this morning?” asked Uncle Ike + of the red-headed boy, as he came out into the garden with a sling-shot, + and began to shoot birdshot at the little cucumbers that were beginning to + grow away from the pickle vine, as the boy called the cucumber tree. + </p> + <p> + “She's turned nigger,” said the boy, turning his sling-shot at an Italian + yelling strawberries. “Wait till I hit that dago on the side of the nose, + and you will hear a noise that will remind you of Garibaldi crossing the + Rubicon.” + </p> + <p> + “Garibaldi never crossed the Rubicon, and you couldn't hit that Italian + count on the nose in a week, and if you did he would chase you with a + knife, and tree you in the cellar under the kindling wood, and if I + interfered he would gash me in the stomach and claim protection from his + government, and a war would only be averted between this country and Italy + by an apology from the President, saluting the Italian flag by our navy, + and an indemnity paid to your dago friend, enough to support him in luxury + the balance of his life. So be careful with your birdshot. But, about your + Aunt Almira; she was yelling for help this morning, and didn't come down + to breakfast.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said the boy, respectfully, as he sheathed his trusty + sling-shot in his pistol pocket, after the dago had felt a shot strike his + hat, and he looked around at the boy with the whites of his eyes glassy + and his earrings shaking with wrath, “It was all on account of the + innocentest mistake that aunty is ill this morning. You see, every night + she puts cold cream all over her face, and on her hands clear up above her + wrists, to make herself soft. Last night she forgot it until she had got + in bed and the light was put out, and then she yelled to me to bring the + little tin box out of the bathroom, and I was busy studying my algebra and + I made a mistake and got the shoe dressing, that paste that they put on + patent leather shoes. Well, Aunt Almira put it on generous, and rubbed it + in nice. I didn't know I had made a mistake until this morning, but I + couldn't sleep a wink all night thinking how funny aunty would look in the + morning.” + </p> + <p> + “Hold on,” said Uncle Ike, “don't prevaricate. You did it on purpose, and + knew it all right, and let that poor lady sleep the sleep of innocence, + blacker than the ace of spades. Say, if you was mine I would have a + continuous performance right here now,” and Uncle Ike run his tongue a + couple of times around a dry cigar a friend had given him, and licked the + wrapper so it would hold in the shoddy filling. “Don't interrupt the + speaker,” said the boy, as he handed Uncle Ike a match to touch off the + Roman candle. “If you had seen Aunt Almira, just after she had yelled + murder the third time this morning, you would not scold me. She woke up, + and the first thing that attracted her attention was her hands, and she + thought she had gone to bed with her long black kid party gloves on, and + she tried to pull them off. When she couldn't get them off, she raised up + in bed and looked at herself in a mirror, and that was the time she + yelled, and I went in the room to help her. Well, sir, she hadn't missed a + 'place on her face, neck and arms, and the paste shone just like patent + leather. I said, aunty, you can go into the nigger show business, and she + said, what is it, and I said, I give it up for I am no end man.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/035.jpg" alt="Wanted Me to Send For a Doctor 035 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Then she yelled again. Oh, dear, I was never so sorry for a high-born + lady in my life, but to encourage her I told her I read of a white woman + in Alabama that turned black in a single night, and the niggers would + never have anything to say to her, because she was a hoodoo, and wasn't in + their class, and then she yelled again and wanted me to send for a doctor, + and I told her there wasn't any negro doctor in town, and what she wanted + was to send for a scrubwoman, and then I showed her the box of shoe paste + and told her she had got in the wrong box, and she laid it to me and + shooed me out of the room like I was a hen, and she has been all the + forenoon trying to wash that shoe paste off, but it will have to wear off, + 'cause it is fast colors, and aunty has got to go to a heathen meeting at + the church to-night, and she will have to send regrets. Don't you think + women are awful careless about their toilets?” and the boy rubbed his red + hair with a piece of sand-paper, because some one had told him sand-paper + would take the red out of his hair. + </p> + <p> + “Do you know,” said Uncle Ike, as the cigar swelled up in the center and + began to curl on the end, and he threw it to the hens, and watched a + rooster pick at it and make up a face, “if I was your aunt I would skin + you alive? If you were a little older, we would ship you on a naval + vessel, where you couldn't get ashore once a year, and you could get + punished every day.” + </p> + <p> + “I wouldn't go in the navy, unless I could be Dewey. Dewey has a snap. + Every day I read how he has ordered some man thrown overboard. The other + day a Filipino shoemaker brought him a pair of shoes and charged him two + dollars more for them than he agreed to, and Dewey turned to a coxswain, + or a belaying pin, or something, and told them to throw the man overboard. + Uncle Ike, do you think Dewey throws everybody overboard that the papers + say he does?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I wouldn't like to contradict a newspaper,” said Uncle Ike, as he + thought the matter over. “It has seemed to me for some time that Dewey had + a habit of throwing people overboard that would be liable to get him into + trouble when he gets home, if the habit sticks to him. For that reason I + would suggest that the house that is to be presented to him at Washington + be a one-story house, so he could throw people that did not please him out + of a window and not kill them too dead. When he gets home and settled + down, it is likely he will be called upon by Mark Hanna, General Alger and + others, and they will be very apt to give Dewey advice as to how he ought + to conduct himself, and what he ought to say; and if he had an office in + the top of a ten-story building, the janitor or the policeman in the + street would be finding the remains of some of those visitors flattened + out on the sidewalk so they would have to be scraped up with a caseknife. + Throwing people overboard in Manila bay, and in a ten-story flagship in + Washington, is going to be different.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, boy,” said Uncle Ike, as the two wandered around the garden, + looking at the things grow, “there is a sign that tomato cans are ripe, + and you go and get one and I will hold this big, fat angleworm,” and he + put his cane in front of a four-inch worm, which shortened up and swelled + out as big as a lead pencil. “I want just a quart of those worms in cold + storage, and tomorrow we will go fishing. Don't you like to go out in the + woods, by a stream, and hook an angleworm on to a hook, in scallops, so he + will look just as though he was defying the fish, and throw it in, and + wait till you get a nibble, and feel the electric current run up your arm, + and then the fish yanks a little, and you can't refrain, hardly, from + jerking, but you know he hasn't got hold enough yet, and you make a + supreme effort to control your nerves, and by and by he takes it way down + his neck, and you know he is your meat, and you pull, and the electricity + just gives you a shock, and——” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” said the boy, interrupting the old man, “it feels just like + going home with a girl from a party, and she accidentally touches you, and + it goes all up and down you, and he swallows the bait, and you pull him + out and have to take a jackknife and cut the hook out of his gills, and + the angleworm is all chewed up, and when she looks at you as you bid her + goodnight and says it was kind of you to see her home, and puts out her + hand to shake you, you feel as though there was only one girl in the whole + world, and when you start to go home you have to blow your fingers to keep + them warm, and pry your fingers apart, but I don't like to scale 'em and + clean 'em, but when they are fried in butter with bread crumbs, and you + have baked potatoes, gosh, say, but you can't sleep all night from + thinking maybe the next party you go to some other boy will ask her if he + can't see her home, but I like bullheads better than sunfish, don't you, + Uncle Ike?” and the boy went on filling his tomato can with worms. + </p> + <p> + “I have just one favor to ask,” said Uncle Ike, as he puckered up his + mouth in a smile, then laughed so loud that it sounded like raking a stick + along a picket fence, “and that is that you don't mix your fish up that + way. When the subject is girls, stick to girls, and when it is fish, stay + by the fish. I know there is a great deal of similarity in the way they + bite, but when you get them well hooked the result is all the same, and + they have to come into the basket, whether it is a fish or a girl. The way + a girl acts reminds me a good deal of a black bass. You throw your hook, + nicely baited with a fat angleworm, into the water near the bass, and you + think he will make a hop, skip, and jump for it, but he looks the other + way, swims around the worm, and pays no attention to it, but if he sees + another bass pointing toward the worm he sticks up the top fin on his + back, and turns sideways, and looks mad, and seems to say, 'I'll tend to + this worm myself, and you go away,' and the bass finally goes up and + snuffs at the worm, and turns up his nose, and goes away, as though it was + no particular interest to him, but he turns around and keeps his eye on + it, though, and after awhile you think you will pull the worm out, because + the bass isn't very hungry, anyway, and just as you go to pull it up there + is a disturbance in the water, and the bass that had seemed to close its + eyes for a nice quiet nap, makes a six-foot jump, swallows the hook, worm, + and eight inches of the line, kicks up his heels, and starts for the + bottom of the river, and you think you have caught onto a yearling calf, + and the reel sings and burns your fingers, and the bass jumps out of the + water and tries to shake the hook out of his mouth, and you work hard, and + act carefully, for fear you will lose him, and you try to figure how much + he weighs, and whether you will have him fried or baked, and whether you + will invite a neighbor to dinner, who is always joking you about never + catching any fish, and then you get him up near you, and he is tired out, + and you think you never saw such a nice bass, and that it weighs at least + six pounds, and just as you are reaching out with the landing net, to take + him in, he gives one kick, chews off the line, you fall over backwards, + and the bass disappears with a parting flop of the tail, and a man who is + fishing a little ways off asks you what you had on your hook, and you say + that it was nothing but a confounded dogfish, anyway, and you wind up your + reel and go home, and you are so mad and hot that the leaves on the trees + curl up and turn yellow like late in the fall. Many a girl has acted just + that way, and finally chewed off the line, and let the man fall with a + dull thud, and after he has got over it he says to those who have watched + the angling that she was not much account, anyway, but all the time he + knows by the feeling of goneness inside of him that he lies like a + Spaniard,” and Uncle Ike tied a handkerchief over the tomato can to keep + the worms in, and said to the boy, “Now, if you can get up at four o'clock + in the morning we will go and get a fine mess.” + </p> + <p> + “Mess of bass or girls?”.said the boy, as he looked up at the old man with + a twinkle in his eye. “Bass, by gosh!” said Uncle Ike. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> + <p> + “Here, what you up to, you young heathen?” said Uncle Ike, as a pair of + small boxing gloves, about as big as goslings, struck him in the solar + plexus and all the way down his stomach, and he noticed a red streak + rushing about the room, side-stepping and clucking. “You are a nice + looking Sunday-school scholar, you are, dancing around as though you were + in the prize ring. Who taught you that foolishness, and what are you + trying to do?” and the old man cornered the red-headed boy between the + bookcase and the center-table, and took him across his knee, and fanned + his trousers with a hand as big as a canvas ham, until he said he threw up + the sponge. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'll tell you,” said the red-headed boy, as the old man let him up + and he felt of his trousers to see if they were warm, “I am going into the + prize-fighting business, and Aunt Almira, who is studying for the stage, + is teaching me to box. Gee, but she can give you a blow with her left + across the ear that will make you think Jeffries has put on a shirt-waist, + and a turquoise ring, and she and I are going to form a combination and + make a barrel of money. Say, Aunt Almira has got so she can kick clear up + to the gas jet, and she wants to play Juliet. I am going to play Jeffries + to her Juliet.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you and your aunt have got things all mixed up. She does not have to + kick to play Juliet. And you can't box well enough to get into the + kindergarten class of prize fighters. What you want to fight for anyway? + Better go and study your Sunday-school lesson.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't know,” said the boy, as he tied on a boxing glove by taking the + string in his teeth, “there is more money in prize fighting than anything, + and Jeffries was a nice Sunday-school boy, and his father is a preacher, + and he said the Lord was on the side of Jim in the fight that knocked out + Fitzsimmons. Do you believe, Uncle Ike, that the Lord was in the ring + there at Coney Island, seconding Jeffries, and that the prayers of + Jeffries' preacher father had anything to do with Fitzsimmons getting it + right and left in the slats and on the jaw?” + </p> + <p> + “No! No! No!” said Uncle Ike, as he shuddered with disgust at the thought + that the good Lord should be mixed up in such things just to make + newspaper sensations. “There is not much going on that the Lord is not an + eye-witness of, but when it comes to being on one side or the other of a + prize fight He has got other business of more importance. He watches even + a sparrow's fall, but it is mighty doubtful in my mind whether he paid any + attention as to which of the two prize-fighting brutes failed to get up in + ten seconds. Boxing is all right, and I believe in it, and want all boys + to learn how to do it, in order that they may protect themselves, or + protect a weak person from assault, but it ought to stop there. Men who + fight each other for money ought to be classed with bulldogs, wear muzzles + and a dog license, and be shunned by all decent people,” and the old man + lit his pipe with deliberation and smoked a long time in silence. + </p> + <p> + “But they make money, don't they?” said the boy, who thought that making + money was the chief end of man. “Think of making thirty thousand dollars + in one night!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, and think of the train robbers who make a hundred thousand dollars a + night,” said the old man; “and what good did any money made by train + robbing or prize fighting ever do anybody? The men who make money that + way, blow it in for something that does them no good, and when they come + to die you have to take up a collection to bury them. Don't be a prize + fighter or a train robber if you can help it, boy, and don't ever get the + idea that the Lord is sitting up nights holding pool tickets on a prize + fight.” + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, why didn't you go to the circus the other night? We had more + fun, and lemonade, and peanuts, and the clown was so funny,” said the boy; + “and they had a fight, and a circus man threw a man out of the tent; and a + woman rode on a horse with those great, wide skirts, and rosin on her feet + and everywhere, so she would stick on, and——” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, don't tell me,” said Uncle Ike, as he ran a broom straw into his pipe + stem to open up the pores; “I was brought up among circuses, and used to + sit up all night and go out on the road to meet the old wagon show coming + to town. Did you ever go away out five or six miles, in the night, to meet + a circus, and get tired, and lay down by the road and go to sleep, and + have the dew on the grass wet your bare feet and trousers clear up to your + waistband, and suddenly have the other boys wake you up, and there was a + fog so you couldn't see far, and suddenly about daylight you hear a noise + like a hog that gets frightened and says 'Woof!' and there coming out of + the fog right on to you is the elephant, looking larger than a house, and + you keep still for fear of scaring him, and he passes on and then the + camels come, and the cages, and the sleepy drivers letting the six horses + go as they please, and the wagons with the tents, and the performers + sleeping on the bundles, and the band wagon with all the musicians asleep, + and the lions and tigers don't say anything; and you never do anything + except keep your eyes bulging out till they get by, and then you realize + you are six miles from home, and you follow the procession into town, and + when you get home your parents take you across a chair and pet you with a + press board for being out all night, until you are so blistered that you + cannot sit down on a seat at the circus in the afternoon. Oh, I have been + there, boy, barefooted and bareheaded, with a hickory shirt on open clear + down, and torn trousers opened clear up. Lemonade never tastes like it + does at a circus, sawdust never smells the same anywhere else, and nothing + in the whole world smells like a circus,” and the old man's face lighted + up as though the recollection had made him young again. + </p> + <p> + “Did you ever see a fight at a circus, Uncle Ike?” asked the red-headed + boy, who seemed to have been more impressed with the fight he had seen + than with the performance. + </p> + <p> + “See a circus fight?” said Uncle Ike. “Gosh, I was right in the midst of a + circus fight, where several people were killed, and the whole town was a + hospital for a month. See that scar on top of my head,” and the old man + pointed with pride to a place on his head that looked as though a mule had + kicked him. “I was a deputy constable the day Levi J. North's old circus, + menagerie and troupe of Indians showed in the old town where I lived.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/047.jpg" alt=" Grabbed a Circus Man by the Arm 047 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Some country boys got in a muss with a side-show barker and they got to + fighting, and some Irish railroad graders heard the row, and they rushed + in with spades and picks' and clubs, and some gentleman said, 'Hey, + Rheube,' and the circus men came rushing out, and I came up with a tin + star, and said, 'In the name of the state I command the peace,' and I + grabbed a circus man by the arm, and an Irishman named Gibbons said, 'to + hell wid 'em,' and then a box car or something struck me on the head, and + I laid down, and three hundred circus men and about the same number of + countrymen and railroad hands walked on me, and they fought for an hour, + and when the people got me home and I woke up the circus had been gone a + week, and they had buried those who died, and a whole lot were in jail, + and my head didn't get down so I could get my hat on before late in the + fall.” + </p> + <p> + “I grabbed a circus man by the arm.” + </p> + <p> + “Did you resign as constable?” asked the redheaded boy, and he looked at + Uncle Ike with awe, as he would at a hero of a hundred battles. + </p> + <p> + “Did I? That's the first thing I did when I came to, and I have never + looked at a tin star on a deputy since without a shudder, and I have never + let an admiring public force any office on to me to this day. One day in a + public office was enough for your Uncle Ike, but I would like to go to a + circus once more and listen to those old jokes of the clown, which were so + old that we boys knew them by heart sixty years ago,” and Uncle Ike + lighted his pipe again, and tried to laugh at one of the old jokes. + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, I've got a scheme to get rich, and I will take you into + partnership with me,” said the redheaded boy, as Uncle Ike began to cool + off from his circus story. “You go in with me and furnish the money, and I + will buy a lot of hens, and fix up the back yard with lath, and just let + the hens lay eggs and raise chickens, and we will sell them. I have + figured it all up, and by starting with ten hens and two roosters, and let + them go ahead and attend to business, in twenty years we would have + seventeen million nine hundred and sixty-one fowls, which at 10 cents a + pound about Thanksgiving time would amount to——” + </p> + <p> + “There, there, come off,” said Uncle Ike, as he lit up the old pipe again, + and got his thinker a'thinking. “I know what you want. You want to get me + in on the ground floor, I have been in more things on the ground floor + than anybody, but there was always another fellow in the cellar. You are + figuring hens the way you do compound interest, but you are away off. Life + is too short to wait for compound interest on a dollar to make a fellow + rich, and cutting coupons off a hen is just the same. I started a hen + ranch fifty years ago, on the same theory, and went broke. There is no way + to make money on hens except to turn them loose on a farm, and have a + woman with an apron over her head hunt eggs, and sell them as quick as + they are laid, before a hen has a chance to get the fever to set. You open + a hen ranch in the back yard, and your hens will lay like thunder, when + eggs are four cents a dozen, but when eggs are two shillings a dozen you + might take a hen by the neck and shake her and you couldn't get an egg. + When eggs are high, hens just wander around as though they did not care + whether school kept or not, and they kick up a dust and lallygag, and get + some disease, and eat all the stuff you can buy for them, and they will + make such a noise the neighbors will set dogs on them, and the roosters + will get on strike and send walking delegates around to keep hens from + laying, and then when eggs get so cheap they are not good enough to throw + at jay actors, the whole poultry yard will begin to work overtime, and you + have eggs to spare. If the hens increased as you predict in your + prospectus to me, it would take all the money in town to buy food for + them, and if you attempted to realize on your hens to keep from + bankruptcy, everybody would quit eating chicken and go to eating mutton, + and there you are. I decline to invest in a hen ranch right here now, and + if you try to inveigle me into it I shall have you arrested as a + gold-brick swindler,” and Uncle Ike patted the red-headed boy on the + shoulder and ran a great hard thumb into his ribs. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> + <p> + “Say, Uncle Ike, did you see this in the paper about fifty ambulances + being lost, on the way to Tampa, Florida, last year?” said the red-headed + boy, as Uncle Ike sat in an armchair, with his feet on the center-table, + his head down on his bosom, his pipe gone out, yet hanging sideways out of + the corner of his mouth, and the ashes spilled all over his shirt bosom. + “Seventeen carloads of ambulances that started all right for Tampa, never + showed up, and the government is writing everywhere to have them looked + up. Wouldn't that skin you?” and the boy stood up beside Uncle Ike, took + his pipe out of his mouth, filled it again, brushed the ashes off his + shirt, and handed him a lighted wax match that he had found somewhere. + Uncle Ike put the match to his pipe, took a few whiffs, stuck up his nose, + threw the match into the fireplace, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Where did you get that tallow match? Gosh, I had just as soon light my + pipe with kerosene oil. Always give me a plain, old-fashioned brimstone + match, if you love me, and keep out of my sight these cigarette matches, + that smell like a candle that has been blown out when it needed snuffing.” + And the old man began to wake up, as the tobacco smoke went searching + through his hair and up to the ceiling. “And so the government lost fifty + ambulances in transit, eh? Well, they will be searching the returned + soldiers next, to see if the boys got away with them, and never think of + looking up the contractors, who probably never shipped them at all. It + must be that the boys got tired of embalmed beef, and ate the ambulances. + When a man is hungry you take a slice of nice, fresh ambulance, and broil + it over the coals, with plenty of seasoning, and a soldier could sustain + life on it. The government must be crippled for ambulances, and I think we + better get up a subscription to buy some more. An ambulance famine is a + terrible thing, and I have my opinion of a soldier who will steal an + ambulance. When I was in the army, I remember that at the battle of Stone + River we——” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Uncle Ike, please don't tell me any of your terrible army + experiences,” said the boy, as he remembered that he had heard his uncle + tell of being in at least a hundred battles, when the history of the + family showed that the old man was only south during the war for about six + months, and he brought home a blacksnake whip as a souvenir, and it was + believed that he had worked in the quartermaster's department, driving + mules. “Let us talk about something enjoyable this beautiful day. How + would you like to be out on a lake, or river, today, in a boat, drifting + around, and forgetting everything, and having fun?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't want any drifting around in mine,” said Uncle Ike, as he got up + from his chair, limped a little on his rheumatic leg, and went to the + window and looked out, and wished he were young again. “Don't you ever + drift when you are out in a boat. You just take the oars and pull, + somewhere, it don't make any difference where, as long as you pull. Row + against the current, and against the wind, and bend your back, and make + the boat jump, but don't drift. If you get in the habit of drifting when + you are a boy, you will drift when you are a man, and not pull against the + stream. The drifting boy becomes a drifting business man, who sits still + and lets those who row get away from him. The drifting lawyer sits and + drifts, and waits, and sighs because people do not find out that he is + great. He wears out pants instead of shoe leather. When you see a man the + seat of whose pants are shiny and almost worn through, while his shoes are + not worn, except on the heels, where he puts them on the table, and waits + and dreams, you can make up your mind that he drifted instead of rowed, + when he was a boy, out in a boat. The merchant who goes to his store late + in the morning, and sits around awhile, and leaves early in the afternoon, + and only shows enterprise in being cross to the clerk who lets a customer + escape with car fare to get home, is a drifter, who stands still in his + mercantile boat while his neighbors who row, and push, and paddle, are + running away from him. The boy who drifts never catches the right girl. He + drifts in to call on her, and drifts through the evening, and nothing has + been done, and when she begins to yawn, he drifts away. She stands this + drifting sort of love-making as long as she can, and by and by there comes + along a boy who rows, and he keeps her awake, and they go off on a spin on + their wheels, and they can't drift on wheels if they try, because they + have got to keep pushing, and before he knows it the drifting boy finds + that the boy who rows is miles ahead with the girl, and all the drifting + boy can do is to yawn and say, 'Just my dumbed luck.' Dogs that just drift + and lay in the shade, and loll, never amount to anything. The dog that + digs out the woodchuck does not drift; he digs and barks, and saws wood, + and by and by he has the woodchuck by the pants, and shakes the daylights + out of him. He might lay by the woodchuck hole and drift all day, and the + woodchuck would just stay in the hole and laugh at the dog. The pointer + dog that stays under the wagon never comes to a point on chickens, and the + duck dog that stays on the shore and waits for the dead duck to drift in, + is not worth the dog biscuit he eats. + </p> + <p> + “No, boy, whatever you do in this world, don't drift around, but row as + though you were going after the doctor,” and the old man turned from the + window and put his arm around the red-headed boy, and hugged him until he + heard something rattle in the boy's side pocket, and the boy pulled out a + box with the cover off, and a white powder scattered over his clothes. + “What is that powder?” asked the old uncle. + </p> + <p> + “That is some of this foot-ease that I saw advertised in the paper. Aunt + Almira likes pigs' feet, and she says they lay hard on her stomach; so I + got some foot-ease and sprinkled a little on her pigs' feet for lunch, and + she ate it all right. Say, don't you think it is nice to be trying to do + kind acts for your auntie?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; but if she ever finds out about that pigs' foot ease, she will make + you think your trousers are warmer than your hair. You strike me as being + a boy that resembles a tornado. No one knows when you are going to become + dangerous, or where you are going to strike. You and a tornado are a good + deal like a cross-eyed man; you don't strike where you look as though you + were aiming, and suddenly you strike where you are not looking, and where + nobody is looking for you to strike. Nature must have been in a curious + mood when she produced cross-eyed men, red-headed boys and tornadoes. What + do you think ought to be done to Nature for giving me a redheaded boy to + bring up, eh, you rascal?” and the old man chucked the boy under the chin, + as though he wasn't half as mad at Nature as he pretended to be. + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, do you think a tornado could be broken up, when it got all + ready to tear a town to pieces, by shooting into it with a cannon, as the + scientific people say?” said the boy, climbing up into the old man's lap, + and slyly putting a handful of peanut shucks down under the waistband of + his uncle's trousers. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don't know,” said Uncle Ike, as he wiggled around a little when + the first peanut shuck got down near the small of his back. “These + scientific people make me weary, talking about preventing tornadoes by + firing cannon into the funnel-shaped clouds. Why don't they do it? If a + tornado came up, you would find these cannon sharps in a cellar somewhere. + They are a passel of condemned theorists, and they want someone else to + take sight over a cannon at an approaching tornado, while the sharps look + through a peep-hole and see how it is going to work. You might have a + million cannon loaded ready for tornadoes, and when one came up it would + come so quick nobody would think of the cannon, and everybody would dig + out for a place of safety. Not one artilleryman in a million could hit a + tornado in a vital part. Do these people think tornadoes are going around + with a target tied on them, for experts to shoot cannon balls at? A + tornado is like one of these Fourth of July nigger-chasers, that you touch + off and it starts somewhere and changes its mind and turns around and goes + sideways, and when it finds a girl looking the other way it everlastingly + makes for her and runs into her pantalets when she would swear it was + pointed the other way. No, I am something of a sportsman myself, and can + shoot a gun some, but if I had a cannon in each hand loaded for elephants, + and I should see a tornado going the other way, I would drop both guns and + crawl into a hole, and the tornado would probably turn around and pick up + the guns and fire them into the hole I was in. That's the kind of an + insect a tornado is, and don't you ever fool with one. A tornado is worse + than a battle. I remember when we were at the battle of Gettysburg——” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, for Heaven's sake, Uncle Ike, what have I done that you should fight + that war all over again every time I try to have a quiet talk with you?” + and the boy stuffed his fingers in his ears, and got up off the old man's + lap, and the uncle got up and walked around, and when the peanut shells + began to work down his legs, and scratch his skin, and he found his foot + asleep from holding the big boy in his lap, the old man thought he was + stricken with paralysis, and he sat down again, and called the boy to him + and said, in a trembling voice: + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/057.jpg" + alt="Y Boy, You Are Going to Lose Your Uncle Ike 057 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “My boy, you are going to lose your Uncle Ike. I feel that the end is + coming, and before I go to the beautiful beyond I want to say a few + serious words to you. It is coming as I had hoped. The disease begins at + my feet, and will work up gradually, paralyzing my limbs, then my body, + and lastly my brain will be seized by the destroyer, and then it will all + be over with your Uncle Ike. Remove my shoes, my boy, and I will tell you + a story. When we scaled the perpendicular wall at Lookout Mountain, in the + face of the Confederate guns, and——” + </p> + <p> + “Can this be death?” said the boy, as he took off one of the old man's + shoes and emptied out a handful of peanut shucks, and laughed loud and + long. + </p> + <p> + “Well, by gum!” said Uncle Ike, “peanuts instead of paralysis,” and he + jumped up and kicked high with the lately paralyzed legs; “now, I haven't + eaten peanuts in a week, and I suppose those shucks have been in my + clothes all this time. I am not going to die. Go dig some worms and I will + show you the liveliest corpse that ever caught a mess of bullheads,” and + the boy dropped the shoe and went out winking and laughing as though he + was having plenty of fun, and Uncle Ike went to a mirror and looked at + himself to see if he was really alive. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> + <p> + “You are a nice-looking duck,” said Uncle Ike, as the red-headed boy came + into the sitting-room with a black' eye and a scratch across his nose, and + one thumb tied up in a rag, but looking as well, otherwise, as could be + expected. “What you been doing? Run over by a trolley car or anything?” + </p> + <p> + “Nope,” said the boy, as he looked in the mirror to see how his eye was + coloring, with all the pride of a man who is coloring a meerschaum; “I + just had a fight. Licked a boy, that's all,” and he put his hand to his + head, where a lock of his red hair had been pulled out. + </p> + <p> + “You look as though you had licked a boy,” said the old man taking a good + look at the blue spot around the boy's eye. “I suppose he is telling his + folks how he licked you, too. My experience has been that in these boys' + fights you can't tell which licks until you hear both stories. What was it + about, anyway?” + </p> + <p> + “He lied about you, Uncle Ike, and I choked him until he said 'peunk,' and + then I let him up, but he wouldn't apologize, and said he would leave it + to you, if what he said was true or not, and here he comes now,” and the + red-headed boy opened the door and ushered in a boy about his own size, + with two black eyes and a piece peeled off his cheek, and one arm in a + sling. + </p> + <p> + “Which is Jeffries?” asked Uncle Ike, as he filled his pipe, and looked + over the two companions who had been scrapping. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/063.jpg" alt="Which is Jeffries 63 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “He is Jeffries,” said the visitor, “and I am Fitzsimmons, but I want to + have another go at him, unless we leave it to arbitration,” and the boy + looked at the red-headed boy with blood in his eye, and at Uncle Ike with + a look of no particular admiration. + </p> + <p> + “Well, what was the cause of the row?” said Uncle Ike, as he took a chair + between the two boys, lit his pipe, and smiled as he saw the marks of + combat on their persons. + </p> + <p> + “He said you used to be a drunkard, Uncle Ike, and had been to the Keeley + cure, and I called him a liar, and then we mixed up.” + </p> + <p> + “That's about the size of it,” said the other boy; “now, which was right?” + </p> + <p> + Uncle Ike smoked up and filled the room so it looked like camping out and + cooking over a fire made of wet wood, and thought a long time, and looked + very serious, and the red-headed boy could see they were in for a talk. + Finally the old man said: + </p> + <p> + “Boys, you are both right and both wrong, and I'll tell you all about it. + I never was a drunkard, and never drank much, but I have been to the cure + all the same. It was this way: I had a friend who was one of the best men + that ever lived, only he got a habit of drinking too much, and no one + seemed able to reason with him. He wouldn't take advice from his own + mother, his wife, or me, or anybody. He was just going to the devil on a + gallop, and it was only a question of a year or two when he would die. I + loved that man like a brother, but he would get mad the minute I spoke of + his drinking, and I quit talking to him, though I wanted to save him. I + have smoked dog-leg tobacco many a night till after midnight, trying to + study a way to save the only man in the world that I ever actually loved, + and I finally got it down fine. I began to act as though I was half drunk + whenever I saw my friend, spilled whisky on my coat sleeves, and acted + disreputable, and got a few good fellows to talk with him about what a + confounded wreck I was getting to be; and he actually got to pitying me, + and finally got disgusted with me; and one day he said to me that I was a + disgrace, and was making more different kinds of a fool of myself than any + drunkard he ever met. I got mad at him, and told him to attend to his own + business and left him. Then the boys got to telling him that the only way + to save me was to get me to go to a cure; and, do you know, that good + fellow that I would have given the world to save, came to me and urged me + to, take the cure; and at first I was indignant that he should interfere + in my affairs, and finally he said he would go if I would. Then we struck + a bargain, and went to Dwight, and took the medicine. The boys had told + the doctors the story, and they only gave me one shot in the arm; but that + came near killing me, because it almost broke me of using tobacco. Well, I + remained there ten days, and, while they were pretending to cure me, they + were curing my friend sure enough, putting the gold cure into his system + with injections and drinks, while I didn't get anything but ginger ale; + and when we were discharged cured, I was the happiest man in the world, + except my friend, who was happier. He was not only cured himself, and an + honor to his family, but he thought he had saved me from a drunkard's + grave. That's the story, boys, and now you get up and shake hands, and + don't fight any more over your Uncle Ike,” and the old man patted them + both on the head, and they shook hands and laughed at each other's black + eyes. As the red-headed boy showed his late antagonist to the door, he + turned to his uncle and said: + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, if you have ever held up a railroad train, or robbed a bank, + or stolen horses, or done anything that would cause you to be arrested, I + beg of you to tell me of it now, so if anybody abuses you in my presence I + won't get into a fight every time,” and the boy put his arm around his + Uncle Ike and hugged him, and added, “You were a thoroughbred when you + bilked that friend of yours to take the cure.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I don't know,” said Uncle Ike, “that reminds me of the battle of + Chickamauga. When Bragg's forces were——” + </p> + <p> + “Fire! Fire!” yelled the red-headed boy, and he rushed out of doors and + left the old man talking to his pipe. + </p> + <p> + “Has that battle of Chickamauga been fought out to a finish yet?” said the + red-headed boy, as he stuck his head in the door after the imaginary fire + alarm that he had created to escape Uncle Ike's war history, “for if it is + ended I want to come in, but I can't stand gore, and your war stories are + so full of blood that you must have had to swim in it.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you don't know a hero when you see one,” said the old man, as he + straightened up and saluted the boy in a military manner, only that he + used his left hand instead of his right hand. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'll tell you,” said the boy as he got inside the room and stood + with his hand on the door knob, ready to escape if Uncle Ike got excited. + “You old veterans make me sick. I have heard nothing for fifteen years + except war talk, old war talk, back number war talk, about how you old + fellows put down the rebellion, and suffered, and fought, and all that + rot. Why, I heard a bugler who enlisted for the Spanish war, and who only + got as far as Jacksonville, say that you fellows that put down the + rebellion in 1864 were just a mob, and that you didn't have any fighting, + and that the Southern people were only fooling you, and that you didn't + suffer like the Spanish war heroes did, and that you just had a picnic + from start to finish. The bugler said he wouldn't ask any better fun than + to fight the way you fellows did, when you had all you wanted to eat, good + beds to sleep on, and servants to carry your guns, and cook for you. The + bugler said you fellows all get pensions just for making an excursion + through the Southern resorts, while the heroes of the Spanish war, who + fought a foreign country to a standstill, and went without food, and got + malaria, are without pensions, and just existing on the record they made + fighting for their country——” and the boy stopped nagging the + old man when he noticed that Uncle Ike was turning blue in the face, and + choking to keep down his wrath. + </p> + <p> + “Where is this heroic bugler of the Spanish war?” said Uncle Ike, trying + to be calm, but actually frothing at the mouth. “Bring him here, and let + me hear him say these things, condemn him, and I will take him across my + knee and I will knock the wind out of him, so that he can never gather + enough in his carcass to blow another bugle. Why, confound him, he is a + liar. The war of the rebellion was a war, not a country schuetzenfest, + with a chance to go home every night and sleep in a feather bed, and get a + Turkish bath. The whole Spanish war, except what the navy did, was not + equal to an outpost skirmish in '63. Of course, the rough riders and the + weary walkers did a nice job going up San Juan hill, but we had a thousand + such fights in the rebellion. After that skirmish there was nothing done + by the army at Santiago, but to sit down in the mud and wait for the + Spaniards to eat their last cracker, and kill their last dog and eat it, + and then surrender. Ask that bugler to tell you where he found, in his + glorious career as a wind instrument in the Spanish war, any Grants, + Shermans, Sheridans, Logans, Pap Thomases, McClellans, Kilpatricks, + Custers, McPhersons, Braggs, and hundreds of such heroes. What has the + bugler got to show for his war? Shafter! And Alger! And all of them + quarreling over the little bone of victory that was not big enough for a + meal for our old generals of the war of the rebellion. And he talks about + our pensions, the young kid. He probably wears corsets. Why, we didn't get + pensions until we got so old we couldn't get up alone. His gang of + Jacksonville heroes will probably get pensions when they are old enough. + Bring that bugler in here some day, and don't let him know what he is + going to run up against, and I will give you a dollar, and I will let you + see me dust the carpet with him,” and the old man sat down and fanned + himself, while the boy looked scared for fear Uncle Ike was going to have + a fit. “Why, at the battle of Pea Ridge, when a minie ball struck me, when + I was on the firing line——” + </p> + <p> + “Keno,” said the red-headed boy, as he went through the window head first, + and over the picket fence on his stomach, and disappeared down the street. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. + </h2> + <p> + “Say, Uncle Ike, don't you think the Fourth of July is sort of played + out?” asked the red-headed boy, as he came to Uncle Ike's room on the + morning of the 5th, by appointment, to demonstrate to the old man that he + had not been quite killed by the celebration of the great day. “It seems + to me we don't have half as many accidents and fires as we used to,” and + the boy counted off to the uncle the dozen injuries he had received by + burns, and dug into his eye with a soiled handkerchief in search of some + gravel from a torpedo. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I don't know,” said Uncle Ike, as he lighted the old pipe and began + to look over the boy's injuries. “The Fourth is carrying on business at + the old stand, apparently. Your injuries are in the right places, on the + left hand, principally, and the gravel is in the left eye. That is right. + Always keep the right hand and the right eye in good shape, so you can + sight a gun and pull a trigger, either in shooting ducks or Filipinos. You + see, our country is growing, and we are celebrating the Fourth from Alaska + to Porto Rico, and from London to Luzon, so we can't celebrate so very + much in any one place. I expect by another Fourth Queen Victoria will be + yelling for the glorious Fourth, Emperor William will be touching off + dynamite firecrackers, Russia will be eating Roman candies, and Aguinaldo + will be touching off nigger-chasers and drinking red lemonade. This is a + great country, boy, and don't you forget it.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you may be right,” said the boy, as he poured some witch-hazel on a + rag around his thumb, “but it looks to me as though the troops in the + Philippines will be climbing aboard transports protected by the fleet, + with Aguinaldo slaughtering the boys in the hospitals and looting Manila, + if the President does not get a move onto himself and send another army + out there to be victorious some more. The way it is now, we shall not have + troops enough there to bury the dead. The boys have been debating at + school the Philippine question, and it was decided unanimously that the + President is up against a tough proposition, and if he does not stop + looking at the political side of that war and send troops enough to eat up + those shirtless soldiers, who can live on six grains of rice and two + grains of quinine a day, we are going to be whipped out of our boots. + That's what us boys think.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you boys don't want to think too much, or you are liable to have + brain fever,” said the old man, as he realized that there was mutiny + brewing among the school children. “What you fellows want the President to + do? Haven't we whipped the negroes everywhere, and taken village after + village, and burned them, and—and—chased them—and——” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said the boy, as he saw that his uncle was at a loss to defend the + policy of his government. “We have had regular foot races with them, and + burned the huts of the helpless, and taken villages, and then didn't have + troops to hold them, and when we went out of a village on one street, the + niggers came in on another, and shot into our pants. We swim rivers and + take towns with as brave work as ever was done, and become so exhausted we + have to lay down in the mud and have a fit, and the niggers climb trees + like monkeys, eat cocoanuts and chatter at us. Say, Uncle Ike, do you know + us boys are getting tired of this business, and we are getting up a + petition to the President to get a trained nurse to put Alger to sleep and + run the war department herself.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/071.jpg" alt="We Are Going to Have the Petition 071 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “We are going to have the petition signed by seven million American boys. + Why, if those niggers could go off in the woods and shoot at a mark for a + week, and get so they could hit anything, our boys would all be dead in a + month. The trouble is the niggers just pull up a gun and touch it off like + a girl does a firecracker. She lights the tip end of the tail of a + firecracker, and throws it, and you forget all about it, and when her + firecracker has ceased to interest you, and you don't know where it is, it + goes off in your coat collar, or down the waistband of your pants. A + Filipino shoots the way a trained monkey touches off a syphon of seltzer + water. He knows it will squirt if he touches the thumbpiece, but it is as + liable to hit him in the face, or wet his feet as anything. Some day those + niggers will learn how to shoot, and when Funston attempts to swim a river + he will get a bullet through the head, and Lawton and MacArthur, who stand + up in plain sight and let them practice will wish they hadn't. We boys + have decided to support the President until he conquers those people, if + that is what he is trying to do, but, by gosh, if he does not wake up and + quit looking pleasant, and seeming to hope that Filipino shower is going + to blow over, we feel that he will wake up some morning and find that a + nigger tornado has struck his brave boys at Manila, and they will be in + the cyclone cellars waiting for somebody to come and dig them out. Don't + you think so, Uncle Ike?” + </p> + <p> + “I say, boy,” said Uncle Ike, as he lighted up the pipe, after letting it + go out while listening to the war talk of the excited boy, “do you think + you could arrange your affairs so as to leave here by tomorrow evening and + take the limited for Washington? Would you accept the vacancy in the + office of secretary of war? I know this offer comes sudden to you, and + that you will have no time to consult your debating society as to whether + you ought to accept the position, but when you reflect that the country is + in a critical situation, and needs a man of blood and iron to steer the + craft through among the rocks, I feel that you cannot refuse. The ideas + you express are so near like those that General Jackson would express if + he were alive, that I feel the country would be blessed if you were in a + position to brace up the President. Now go wash your face, and I will wire + the President that you will be there day after tomorrow morning. But if + you go there thinking, as many people seem to think, that the President's + backbone is made of banana pulp, and that he is not alive to the + situation, you will make a mistake. There are chumps like you all over + this country that wonder why they have not been selected to run this + country, who think the commander-in-chief is running ward politics instead + of the affairs of the country. Of course, a President gets under + obligations to different elements in a campaign, and finds it necessary to + surround himself with a cabinet, a few members of which are not worth + powder to blow them up, but if they were all weak and vicious on the make, + and political ciphers, and the President himself is all right, the country + will not go very far wrong. What you boys want to do is to debate less on + questions you do not understand, and saw more wood. Let the grown people + run things a while longer, and you boys prepare to take the burden a + quarter of a century hence,” and the old man got up and put his arm around + the boy and felt of his head to see if he could find any soft spot. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I was only joshin' any way, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, as he put + both arms around the old man, and felt in his uncle's pistol pocket to + discover something that was eatable. “But, Uncle Ike, I am serious now. I + have got in love with a girl, and she is mashed on another boy, and I am + having more trouble than McKinley. You know that quarter you gave me + yesterday? I saved 20 cents of it to treat her to ice-cream soda; and when + I went to find her, she was coming out of the drug store with the other + boy, and I found out they had been sitting on stools at the soda fountain + all the forenoon, drinking all the different kinds of soda, until he had + to hold her down for fear she would go up like a balloon, from the soda + bubbles that she had concealed about her person. I have not decided + whether to kill my rival, or go and enlist and go to the Philippines and + break her heart. What did you do under such circumstances, Uncle, when you + used to get in love?” + </p> + <p> + “I used to take castor oil,” said Uncle Ike, as he looked at the + forlorn-looking boy, “but you don't need to. Just you take off those tan + shoes and put on black shoes, and change your luck. I never knew it to + fail, when a boy first put on tan shoes and a high collar. He is bound to + get in love before night. Take off those shoes, and you can go out in the + world and look everybody in the face and never get in love. It is the same + as being vaccinated,” and the old man looked sober and serious, and the + boy went to work to change his shoes, with a bright hope for the future + lighting up his face. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> + <p> + “Go away from me! Don't you come any nearer or I will smite you!” said + Uncle Ike, as the redheaded boy came into the room with his red hair cut + short with the clippers, a green neglige shirt, with a red necktie, a + white collar, a tan belt with a nickel buckle, and short trousers with + golf socks of a plaid pattern that were so loud they would turn out a fire + department. “I am afraid of you. Who in the world got you to have your red + hair shingled so it looks like red sand-paper? And who is your tailor? + Have I got to go down to my grave with the thought that a nephew of mine + would appear in daylight looking like that? Get me a piece of smoked + glass, or I shall have cataracts on both eyes,” and the old man knocked + the ashes and deceased tobacco out of his pipe on his boot heel, and dug + the stuff out of the bottom of the pipe with a jack-knife. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I had to have my hair cut, because the boys at the picnic filled my + hair with burdock burrs, and it couldn't be combed out,” said the boy, as + he took a match and scratched it on top of his head, and lit it, while the + uncle sniffed at the burned hair. “Aunt Almira cut my hair first with a + pair of dull shears, to get the burrs out, and then a barber cut off all + there was left, with these horse-clippers, and I feel like a dog that has + had his hindquarters clipped to make a lion of him. Aunt Almira says I + have got a great head. Say, Uncle Ike, did you ever examine the bumps on + my head? I was at a phrenology lecture once, and the feeler could tell all + that was going on in a man's head just by the bumps. Feel of mine, Uncle, + and tell my fortune,” and the red-headed boy came up to the old man for + examination. + </p> + <p> + “I am no phrenologist,” said Uncle Ike, as he smoked up and got the boy to + coughing, “but there are some bumps I know the names of,” and he felt all + around the boy's head, and looked wise. “This place where there is a dent + in your head is where the bump of veneration will grow, later, if you get + in the habit of letting old people have a show, and get up and offer them + your chair, and run errands for them without expecting them to pay you. + This place on the back of your head, where there is a bump as big as a + hickory nut, is what we call the hat rack bump, because you can hang your + hat on it. The barber ought to have cut a couple of slices off that bump + with his lawn mower. Here is a bump that shows that you are color blind. + Be careful, or you will marry a negro girl by mistake. As a precaution, + when you begin to get in love serious, bring the girl to me that I may see + if she is white. Here is a soft bump that indicates that you will steal———-” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/077.jpg" + alt="Bump That Indicates That You Will Steal 077 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Oh, come off,” said the boy, laughing, and removing his head from the + investigation. “That is where I was struck by a golf ball. You are no + phrenologist. I know what you are, Uncle Ike; you are a fakir. But, say, I + was sick last night, after we had that green watermelon for dinner, and + Aunt Almira said I was troubled with sewer gas, and she gave me the + peppermint test. Do you think peppermint will detect sewer gas, Uncle + Ike?” + </p> + <p> + “I know what you want, boy, you want to get me mad,” said Uncle Ike, as he + threw his pipe into the grate because it wouldn't draw, and took a new one + and filled it. “There is no greater fraud on the earth than this + peppermint test for sewer gas. I had a house to rent, years ago, and was + ruined by peppermint. When a tenant had anything the matter, from grip to + corns, the doctor would look wise, snuff around, and say he detected sewer + gas, and they would call in a health officer and he would put a little + peppermint oil in somewhere, and go into another room, and when he smelled + the peppermint he would say it was sewer gas, and send for a plumber, and + they would begin to plumb, and I had to pay. I had nine tenants in two + years, and every disease they had was laid to sewer gas, and I had to ease + up on the rent or stand a lawsuit. When one family had triplets, and tried + to stand me off on the rent on account of sewer gas, I became a walking + delegate, and struck, and turned the house into a livery stable, and now, + do you know, every time I go to collect rent I am afraid a horse has got + sick, and the livery man will lay it to sewer gas. Why, boy, peppermint + oil will go through an asphalt pavement. You might put peppermint oil on + top of the Egyptian pyramids and you could smell it in fifteen minutes in + Cairo. If anybody ever talks to you about sewer gas and peppermint test, + call them a liar and charge it to me,” and the old man was so mad the + boy's hair began to curl. + </p> + <p> + “Here, Uncle Ike, what you staring out of the window so for, with your + eyes sot, like a dying horse, and your body as rigid as a statue?” and the + boy rushed up to the window and looked out to see what had come over the + old man. + </p> + <p> + “Hush, keep still, and don't scare her away,” said Uncle Ike, as he held + up his hand and motioned the boy to keep still. + </p> + <p> + “By gosh, if it isn't a woman, Uncle Ike, that has paralyzed you, and you + always said you didn't care for them any more,” said the red-headed boy, + as he looked out the window and saw a blonde-haired young woman standing + on the corner waiting for a street car, and glancing up at Uncle Ike + through the frowsy hair that was loosely flying about her forehead. “And + she is a blonde, too, and blondes have gone out of style. Didn't you read + in the papers that the shows won't hire blondes any more, and that nothing + but brunettes are in it? It must be pretty tough on a blonde to get her + hair all fixed fluffy, after years of patient coloring, and then find she + has gone out of style, and no op'ry will hire her to shed blonde hair on + the coats of the chorus fellows. Oh, Uncle Ike, come away from the window + or you will be stolen,” and the boy dragged the old man away from the + window, handed him his pipe, and said, “Smoke up and try to forget it.” + </p> + <p> + “Forget nothing,” said the old man, as he lit the torch and a smile came + over his good-natured face. “Don't you worry about blonde girls going out + of style. These bleached ones, who never were the real thing, may go back + to their natural, beautiful brunetticism, and when they realize how + foolish they have been, trying to bunko nature, they will be happier than + ever, but the natural blonde will never go out of style. She is a joy + forever. Do you know, when a man gets in love with a girl he couldn't tell + what the color of her hair was, to save him? He knows all about her eyes, + and her hands, and her face, but unless he finds a hair on his coat he + can't tell what is the color of the hair of his beloved. Love is like + smoking. You may smoke in the dark, and if your pipe goes out you smoke + right along and don't know the difference. You sit up with a girl in the + dark and you can't see her, and she may go to sleep, but love keeps + smoking right along and never seems to go out. When I was wounded at the + battle of Pea Ridge, and was taken to a young ladies' seminary to be + doctored and nursed back to life——” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, do quit, Uncle Ike! If you had been taken wounded to a young ladies' + seminary, say in 1863, thirty-six years ago, you would have been there + yet, and your wound would still be paining you, and the girls who saved + your life would be grown up to be gray-haired old women,” and the boy + jollied the old man until he blushed. “You must have known a man named + Ananias in the army. Say, Uncle Ike, you know you wanted me to learn a + trade, and I have decided that I would like to learn the trade of a + bishop. I read of the death of a bishop the other day who was worth half a + million dollars, and now you must tell me how to become a bishop, like + Newman,” and the boy laughed as though he had got the old man in a tight + place. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Uncle Ike, after stopping to think a moment, “you might do + worse. Do you know, boy, that Bishop Newman, who died recently, did learn + a trade? Well, he did. When he was a boy, he seemed to be a no-account + sort of a duck, some like you. His parents were poor, and lived in the + slums of New York. His hair was some the color of yours, and he loafed + around, and made fun of his old uncle, no doubt, the same as you do. He + had to do something to help earn the bread and beer for the family, and so + he went to work stripping tobacco in a factory near his home. Somehow he + got vaccinated with a desire to learn something, and after he had stripped + tobacco, and snuffed it, and got some sense in his head, he began to learn + to read. A girl stripper taught him first to read the labels on packages + of tobacco, and taught him to spell. Then he got a taste for education, + and became the smarty of the factory, and the boys who could not read + called him 'snuff,' because his hair and freckles were the color of Scotch + snuff. Some white man connected with the factory saw that the little rat + had stuff in him, and he helped him to get an education, and he stripped + tobacco daytimes and studied nights, and became a preacher, and finally a + bishop. So, you smarty, if you want to learn the trade of a bishop, strip + the wrapper off that package of tobacco and fill my pipe. Who knows but + Bishop Newman stripped the very tobacco I am smoking now?” and the old man + puffed and laughed at the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Gosh! it smells old enough to have been stripped when the bishop was a + boy,” said the red-headed boy, and then he dodged behind a table, while + Uncle Ike tried to catch him and teach him how to be a bishop. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. + </h2> + <p> + Uncle Ike stood with his pipe in his left hand, his thumb pressing the + tobacco down tight, and with a match in his right hand, just ready to + scratch it on his leg, when he froze stiff in that position, and never + moved for five minutes, as he watched the red-headed boy, who had walked + into the room listlessly, his eyes staring at a picture he held in his + hand, his face so pale that the freckles looked large and dark, his lips + white as chalk, his cheeks sunken, his fingers gripping the picture, a + faded and forlorn pansy in his buttonhole, and his short clipped hair + standing up straight in rows like red beet tops in a vegetable garden. + </p> + <p> + “Anybody very dead?” said Uncle Ike, as he drew the match across the + cloth, put it to his pipe, and began to swell out his cheeks and puff, + keeping his eye on the boy, through the smoke, who had taken his eyes from + the picture, drawn a deep sigh, and sat down on the lounge, as though he + never expected to get up again. + </p> + <p> + “No, nobody dead,” said the boy, as he laid his head on a sofa pillow, + closed his eyes, and placed the picture inside his vest. “But I wish there + was. I wish I was dead.” + </p> + <p> + “How many times have I told you to put oil on cucumbers, and they wouldn't + gripe you that way?” said Uncle Ike, as he drew a chair up beside the + lounge and felt of the boy's pulse, and took his handkerchief and wiped + the perspiration off his forehead, and finally took the picture out of his + bosom and looked at it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/085.jpg" alt="She is a Nice, Warm-looking Girl 085 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “She is a nice, warm-looking girl, but you might have the picture on your + stomach a week, and it wouldn't draw that colic out of you,” and Uncle Ike + gazed with some admiration on the picture of the beautiful girl, whose + high forehead, bright eyes, and beautiful chin, showed that she had the + making of a rare and radiant woman. + </p> + <p> + “'Tain't colic, and I haven't et no cucumbers,” said the boy, as he rolled + his eyes up toward the roof of his head. “It's love, that's what it is, + and I am miserable, and Aunt Almira said you had been in love over six + hundred times, and could tell me what to do.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I like your Aunt Almira's nerve,” said Uncle Ike, as he looked half + pleased at the accusation. “Of course, I have had some encounters with the + fair sex, but I have never entirely collapsed, the way you have. What's + the symptoms? Don't the girl love you?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes! Gosh, she idolizes me,” said the boy, sitting up, and getting a + little color in his face. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, then you don't love her,” said Uncle Ike, probing into the wound. + </p> + <p> + “It's false,” said the boy, getting on his feet and standing before the + old man in indignation. “I love the very ground she walks on. Say, when I + walk a few blocks with her, and can't see her again for a week, I go + around the other six days and look at the boards she walked on, and it + makes me mad to see anybody else walking where she did. I want to get rich + enough to buy all the houses we have walked by, and the street cars we + have rode in. Love her? Say, you don't know anything about love, Uncle + Ike. The love you used to have was old style, and didn't strike in.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I don't know,” said Uncle Ike, “its all about the same. Was the same + in Bible times, and will be the same hundreds of years hence, when we + conquer the Philippines. Same old thing. Nobody invents any new symptoms + in the love industry. There may be new languages to express it in, but it + is just plain, every-day love. But if you both love each other, what is + the use of all this colic?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, you see, she has to dissemble. That's what she says. She can't go + with me all the time, and when I see her with anybody else it seems as + though it would kill me. I know she does not smile at anybody else the way + she does at me, but the condum fools might think she did, and love her. I + know if one of those ducks should squeeze her hand, she would be mad, and + cuff him, but I could squeeze her hand till her fingers cracked, and she + would enjoy it.” + </p> + <p> + “I see,” said Uncle Ike, smoking right along. “You are like a man who owns + the most beautiful diamond in the world, and is not allowed for some + reason to be known as its owner, but is allowed to wear it only two hours + a week, and then other people are allowed to wear it. You know it is + yours, and yet when it is in the possession of others, you don't dare go + and claim it, and they wear it as though they own it, and people see it in + their possession and admire it, as it sparkles and throws rays of + sunshine, and think how lucky is the man who wears it. Isn't that about + your idea? She is yours, body and soul, but has not been delivered to you, + eh?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure! That's it, exactly. What shall I do, Uncle Ike?” + </p> + <p> + “Shut up!” said the old man; “that is what you want to do. Brace up; you + have no cause to worry. I can tell by that face of hers. When she is going + with other boys, as she must, she is thinking of you all the time, and + wishing your red head was in place of that of the kid who is buying + ice-cream soda for her. When she walks about the streets she is thinking + of when you were with her at the same place. And when you are permitted to + pass an hour with her she will convince you in a minute that you are all + the world to her, and that the other ducks are not in it. I can tell by + her eyes, boy, and her mouth, and her whole face, that she is a + thoroughbred.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I swan, Uncle Ike, you are better than a doctor,” and the + red-headed boy began to hug the old man, and dance around, and kick high, + and he took the picture and looked at it, and said: “Nobody but a chump + would doubt that girl,” and the boy suddenly became himself again, + reassured as to the position he held in the mind of his girl, by a few + words of kindly advice at the right time, when the boy was on the verge of + suicide. He laughed and pinched himself to be sure he was awake, and then + took on a serious look and said: “Uncle Ike, do you think it will take two + hundred years, honestly, to subjugate the Filipinos, and tame them, so + that they will eat out of our hands?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, we ought to do it in half the time the Spaniards have been trying + and failed,” said the old man, as he slapped a mosquito that was eating + him. “There, you see that mosquito is dead. No doubt about that, is there? + But what effect does the death of that mosquito have on the nine or ten + million of his race that are out here in the woods? This one simply got + through the screen, and bucked up against a sure thing, and his bravery, + or gall, got him killed, and I may think I am a hero because I killed him. + But let me take my gun and go out in the woods, or on the marsh, where + there are a million mosquitos to one of me, and what kind of a life will + they let me lead? I should have to be slapping and kicking all the time, + and couldn't attend to my shooting. It is just so with those Filipinos. + They will stay in the jungles and breed, and enjoy the malaria and the + rainy season, and a few will go around the camps and sing their songs, and + keep the soldiers awake, and bite and poison them, and shoot and stab, and + when the soldiers chase them they will go farther into the jungle, harass + the flanks of the boys that are discouraged, and when another year is gone + there will be more Filipinos than there are now, better armed, and hating + the Americans worse than ever.. We may take towns, hold them if we have + troops enough, and start a new graveyard at every place we try to hold, + and when we give it up and go away, the human mosquitos will return + buzzing and biting, and they will dig up the remains of some mother's boy, + just to get the gold filling out of his teeth. If the war keeps on a few + hundred years, instead of one large cemetery at Manila, that can be + watched and kept a sacred spot, we shall have hundreds of small graveyards + all over the archipelago, where the boys in blue that are buried will find + it mighty lonesome when we take the living soldiers away. No, boy, it will + not take two hundred years to subdue the Filipinos. That is, we will not + be working at the job that long, because we are not built that way. If we + find we have got into a hornet's nest, and that the hornets don't have any + honey, anyway, and that we don't need hornets in our regular business, + somebody in authority will be apt to know when we have got enough, and we + will probably shake the dice with some nation that is so addicted to + gambling that it had as soon shake dice for hornets as anything, and we + will let them play loaded dice on us, and shake sixes, and we will turn up + deuces and trays, and let them win the condemned mess of hornets that + didn't give honey, and that have nothing but stings, and wish whoever wins + the hornets much joy. Understand me, boy, I am not saying anything against + the policy of our administration, if it has got one, and I will hold up my + hands and root for the army as long as it is in the game, and will + encourage the President all I can to do what he thinks is right, but I + shall always feel that Spain sold him a gold brick for 20,000,000 plunks, + and that he has not yet found out that it is made of brass. I know the + tobacco trust, and the cordage trust, and lots of other trusts that are + interested, are trying to make him believe that the gold brick he bought + is good stuff, and that he must protect it, or some other nation will get + it away from him, but you wait until that Scotch-Irish blood of the + President begins to boil, when he finds out that he has been bunkoed, and + he will get those trust magnates together some day, and he will get pale + around the gills, and mad as a wet hen, and he will say that he has heard + about all the funeral dirges on the longdistance telephone from Manila + that he wants to hear, and that the wails of the mourning mothers of the + dying boys are keeping him awake nights, and that he has got about enough, + trying to put bells on the Filipino wildcats, and that they can take the + whole Philippine archipelago and go plum to hades with it, for he is going + to stop the death rate, and get those boys home and set them to plowing + corn.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Uncle Ike, don't get excited. I only wanted to change the subject + from my own troubles to the troubles of our country,” and he went out + singing, “There's Only One Girl in All This World for Me,” while Uncle Ike + took off his collar and wiped the perspiration off his neck, and fanned + himself awhile, and then lit his pipe, smoked a spell, and finally said: + “Well, it is none of my condum business, anyway, I s'pose.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. + </h2> + <p> + Uncle Ike was sitting in his room with a bath robe on, and his great, big, + bare feet in a tub of hot water, in which some dry mustard had been + sifted, and on a table beside him was a pitcher of hot lemonade, which he + was trying to drink, as it got cool enough to go down his neck without + scorching his throat. His head was hot, and he had evidently taken a + severe cold, and occasionally he would groan, when he moved his body, and + place his hand to the small of his back. His pipe and tobacco were far + away on the mantel, though he could smell them, and the odor so satisfying + to him when he was well, almost made him sick, and when the red-headed boy + came in the room the first thing the old man said was: + </p> + <p> + “Take that dum pipe and terbacker out of the room, and put it in the + woodshed. Your Uncle Ike ain't enjoyin' his terbacker very well,” and the + old fellow made up a face, and looked as though he was on a steamboat + excursion in rough weather. The boy took the pipe by the tail, and the + tobacco paper in his other hand, and went out, and soon returned with a + heavy blanket coat on, a pair of felt boots, and a toboggan knit-cap, and + a pair of yarn mittens on, though it was late in July, and the weather was + quite hot. Uncle Ike looked at him in wonder, as though he was not sure + but it was winter, and he was so ill as not to know that summer and fall + had passed without his knowing it. + </p> + <p> + “What you got them sliding-down-hill clothes on for, in July?” said the + old man, as he put one puckered-up bare foot on the other, in the water, + and sozzled them around in the mustard in the bottom of the tub. “You will + have me sunstruck yet, if you wear those clothes around here. What is up, + anyway?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/093.jpg" + alt="A Lot of Us Boys Are Going to the Klondike 093 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “A lot of us boys are going to the Klondike,” said the red-headed boy, as + he took a big hunting knife out of a sheath, “and I came in to see if you + would grubstake me. We have been reading about the millions of dollars in + gold nuggets and dust, that is being brought out, and we are going to have + some of the gold. Want your corns cut?” said the boy, as he sharpened the + knife on Uncle Ike's boot that lay on the floor. + </p> + <p> + “You ducks have been reading about the gold that has been brought out, but + you forgot to read about the corpses that stayed in the Klondike, didn't + you?” said the old man as he took a drink of the hot lemonade, and pulled + the bathrobe around his hind legs. “You tell the boys you are not going, + and that Uncle Ike will not grubstake you. Tell them you have found out + that for every dollar in gold that comes out of the mines, a hundred + dollars is spent to find it. Tell them that not one man in a hundred that + goes there ever sees anything yellow, except the janders. Tell them that + seven out of ten men either freeze to death, or die of disease, or starve + to death, and that every trail in Alaska is marked with graves of just + such fools as you boys. Tell them that they can make more money selling + picture books at a blind asylum, or tin trumpets at a deaf and dumb + school, than they could by digging gold in the Klondike, and that you are + going to stay home. Now take off that uniform and get down on your knees + and rub my feet dry,” and the old man drew one foot out of the tub and + rested it on the edge, while the boy took a Turkish towel that looked like + a piece of tripe, and began polishing the foot, like a bootblack. + </p> + <p> + “Gosh, but one of your feet would make about six the size of my girl's + feet,” said the boy, as he fixed the old man up, and helped him onto a + lounge, where he stretched out and went to sleep. For an hour the boy + watched the old man, and listened to his snore, and finally he got a + gutta-percha bug out of his fishing tackle, and when Uncle Ike woke up and + began to stretch the boy said: “Uncle Ike, I have saved your life. This + kissing bug was just ready to pounce, on you, and poison you, when I + grabbed it and killed it. See!” and he held up the bug. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I see,” said Uncle Ike, as he rubbed his eyes, and looked at the + kissing bug. “You examine it close, right by the tail, and you will find a + trout hook. I used to catch a great many trout with that bug,” and Uncle + Ike got up and stretched his limbs, and found that his cold was gone, and + he was well enough, and he dressed himself and began to act natural, and + after the boy had looked him over, and marveled at the sudden cure, he + said: + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, you have deceived me. I thought you was on your last legs, and + I was going to have a serious talk with you. Heretofore, when I have tried + to talk serious with you, you have turned everything into fun, but now I + want a serious opinion from you. What would you think of my going out on a + farm and learning to be a farmer? I ride by farms and see farmers and boys + at work, or lying in the shade, or drinking out of a jug, or sitting on + loads of hay, or riding a horse plowing corn, and it seems to me they have + an easy life, and they must make money; and if I can't enlist to fight + Filipinos, nor go to the Klondike, I want to be a farmer. What do you + think, Uncle Ike?” and the boy looked up into the old man's face + appealingly. + </p> + <p> + “Well, bring back that pipe and terbacker, and I will tell you all about + farming, for I was brung up on a farm till I was busted.” The boy brought + in the smoke consumer, and after the old man had puffed a few times, and + found it did not make him sick, he continued: “In the first place, you are + getting too old to learn farming. When city people have a call to farm it, + they buy a farm, put up a windmill, get plumbers out from town, put in a + bathtub with hot and cold water, and buy some carriages with high backs, + and go in for enjoyment, regardless of the price of country produce. They + put in hammocks and lawn tennis, and the young people wear knickerbockers + and white canvas dresses, and roll their pants up, and all that. There is + no money in farming that way. Now, you have got your city habits formed; + you don't get up in the morning till after 7, and you have to take a bath, + and have fresh underclothes frequently. You would want to lay in the shade + too much and ride on the hay. Did it ever occur to you that before you + could ride on the hay it has to be cut, and cured, and cocked up, and + raked around? It takes a whole lot of backaches to get a load of hay ready + for you to ride on. Now, you are going on 20 years old. If you had been + born on a farm, you would be just about ready to quit it and come to town + to learn something else. You would have a stomach full of farming, for you + would have worked about twelve years, day and night; your hands would be + muscular, and you would have callouses inside of them. You go out on a + farm now, at your age, and when you get the first blister on your hands + you want to send for a doctor, and you throw up the job and come back on + my hands. Suppose you started out next Monday morning to learn to be a + farmer. Let me make out a programme for you. You would go to bed Sunday + night at 9 o'clock, and lay awake thinking of the glory of a farmer's + life, and at 3 a. m. you would go to sleep, and at 4 you would hear the + door to the attic open, and a voice that would sound like an auctioneer + would yell to you to come down and get to work. You couldn't argue the + case with the farmer, as you do with me when I try to get you up early to + go fishing; and you would get up and put on a pair of cowhide shoes, brown + overalls, a hickory shirt with bed-ticking suspenders, and you would go + out into a barnyard that smelled like fury, and milk nine or fifteen cows + on an empty stomach; and while another hired man was taking the milk to a + creamery, you would see that it was not daylight yet, but you would go in + the kitchen and eat a slice of pork, and hurry about it, and then you + would curry off the horses, and help hitch the team to a reaper; and just + as it was getting light enough to see things, you would go out to a wheat + field, and, after the old man had cut two or three swaths around the + field, several of you would turn in to bind up the bundles. They would + show you how, and then they would see that you did your share of work. + </p> + <p> + “You would hustle for about four hours, and you would be so hungry it + wouldn't be safe for a dog to come around you, and you would drink warm + water out of a jug till your stomach ached, and you would wonder if it was + not almost supper time, and if you looked at your watch you would find it + was only about 9 o'clock in the morning, with three more solid hours of + work before dinner time. When the horn blew for dinner you would just be + able to climb on one of the horses to ride to the house, and the harness + would take the skin off your elbows. When you got to the house you would + want to lay down and die, but you would have to pull water up in buckets + to water the horses, and go up in the hay mow and throw down hay and carry + oats to them, and when you went in to dinner you would feel as though you + could eat a ten course banquet, but you would find that it was washing + day, and they didn't do any cooking, and you would eat a bowl of bread and + milk, and chew about a bushel of young onions, and when you were filled up + and wanted to lie down and go to sleep, and die, the old man would tell + you to hustle out and hitch up that team, and you would be so lame you + couldn't ride on top of a hard farm harness, and you would walk to the + field, your heavy shoes wearing the skin off your ankles, and the old + machine would begin to stutter and rattle, and you would go to work + binding bundles at 1 o'clock and work till dark, because it looked as + though it was going to rain, and when you got the chores done, milked the + cows, bedded down the horses, carried in wood to the kitchen and a few + things like that, and they told you supper was ready, you would say you + would rather go to bed than eat, and you would go up in the attic and fall + on the bed, and go to sleep and dream of your Uncle Ike. Do you know where + I would find you next? You would come into town on an early freight train + Tuesday morning, and show up about breakfast time, and you would hunt the + bathtub, and if any man ever talked farming to you again, you would be + sassy to him. No, boy, the city man or boy is not intended for a farmer, + but the farmer boy is intended for the city, when he gets enough of the + farm. About so much farming has got to be done, but it will be done by + those who are brought up to it, and who know that every minute has got to + be used to produce something, that the appetite must be satisfied easily + and cheaply, and that everything on the farm must be of marketable value, + and nothing must be bought that can be dispensed with, and that everybody + must work or give a good reason for not working. The pleasure of farming + is largely in anticipation. The big crops and big prices are always coming + next year. You would be about as good at farming as I would at preaching,” + and Uncle Ike gradually ceased speaking, like an old clock that is running + down, and ticking slower and slower, and then he fell asleep in his chair, + and the red-headed boy sat and thought of what had been said, and looked + at his hands as though he expected to find a blister, and smelled of them + to see if he had actually been milking cows, and then he rolled over on + the lounge and went to sleep, and the two snored a match. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/101.jpg" alt="I Heard a Rumor About You Yesterday 101 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, I heard a rumor about you yesterday that tickled me almost to + death,” said the red-headed boy, as he came into the old gentleman's room + while he was shaving, and the boy took the lather brush and worked it up + and down in the cup until the lather run over the side, and he had lather + enough on hand to shave half the men in town. + </p> + <p> + “What was it?” said the old man, as he puckered his mouth on one side, and + opened it so he could shave around the corner of his mouth. “Nothing + disreputable, is it; nothing to bring disgrace on the family?” and he + wiped the razor on a piece of newspaper, and stropped it on his hand, as + he looked in the mirror to see if there were any new wrinkles in his face. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don't know as it would disgrace us so very much, if you looked + out for yourself, and didn't steal,” said the boy, as he began to sharpen + his knife on Uncle Ike's razor strop. “There is a rumor among the boys + that you may be nominated for President, and a lot of us boys got together + and took a vote, when we were in swimming, and you were elected + unanimously. I am to be the boss who deals out the offices, and all the + boys are going to have a soft snap. Before the thing goes any further the + boys wanted me to see you, and have you promise that anything I promised + should be good, see?” + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, I heard a rumor about you yesterday that tickled me most to + death.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you are a dum nice lot of politicians, to work up this boom for me, + without my consent,” and the old man put up his razor, and began to wash + the lather off his face, and while he was rubbing his red and laughing + face with a towel, he said: “If I am elected President, and I want you to + understand that I have not yet consented to take the nomination, I would, + the first thing I did, have all my relatives either sent to jail, or + confined in various asylums of one kind or another. I think I would send + you to a home for the feeble-minded.” + </p> + <p> + “What's the matter with relatives?” said the boy, as he took the razor, + and searched around on his lip for some hairs, and finally got hold of + one, and the razor pulled it so hard the tears came in his eyes; “seems to + me a President with all his relatives in jail would be looked upon as a + disgrace to society.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I wouldn't care,” said the old man, as he struggled to make a + fourteen-inch collar button on to a sixteen-inch shirt, and nearly choked + himself before he found out he had got the boy's collar by mistake. “I + have watched this President business a good many years, and have concluded + that the most of the trouble a President has is through fool relatives. + Look at Grant. You couldn't throw a stone in Washington without hitting a + relative, and they got into more scrapes, and dragged Grant into more + disgrace, and fool schemes, than anything. There wasn't offices enough for + all of them, and some had to live in other ways, which didn't help Ulysses + very much. Harrison never had any pleasure until he had an operation + performed on his son to remove his talking utensils. That boy would be + interviewed and jollied, and he would tell more things that were not so, + about pa's policy, than the President could stand. But a brother is the + worst relative a President can have, if he is a half-way lawyer. A + President cannot kill a brother that is older than he is, and can't + prevent his being retained, and can't keep his brother's fingers out of + all the contracts, and his being attorney for contractors, and can't tell + him to keep away from the White House, and don't dare to tell his brother + not to go around looking wise, as though he was running the whole + administration. No, sir; there ought to be a law that when a man is + elected President, all male relatives that are old enough to talk, should + have their mouths sewed up, and be compelled to put on gloves that are + fastened with a time lock, so they couldn't get their hands into anything + that would bring disgrace on the chief magistrate. Now, if you boys want + me for President, with this understanding, that you shall all keep away + from me after the 4th of March, and never let anybody know that you ever + heard of me, and that you will never write me even a postal card, why, you + can go ahead with your boom,” and the old man tied his necktie so it + looked like a scrambled egg, and he and the boy went in to breakfast, the + boy opening the outside door and whistling a weird whistle, which brought + three boys up on the porch, when he said to them: + </p> + <p> + “By the way, that presidential boom for Uncle Ike is off. Don't let the + gang do another thing. He is a lobster,” and the boys went out into the + world looking for another candidate, followed by a dog that jumped up and + down in front of them as though he could lead them to a presidential + candidate or a wood-chuck hole mighty quick. + </p> + <p> + “Speaking of dogs,” said Uncle Ike, as he and the boy sat down to + breakfast, and the other boys went out on the street to wait for the + red-headed boy to finish eating, “where you boys going?” + </p> + <p> + “Just going to follow the dog,” said the warm-haired proposition, as he + kicked because the melon was not ripe. “Did you ever drown out a gopher, + Uncle Ike?” + </p> + <p> + “Bet your life,” said Uncle Ike, as he dished out enough food for the boy + to have fed an orphan asylum. “Oh, I had a dog once that knew more than an + alderman. Do you know, boy, that a dog is the best thing a boy can + associate with? A boy never does anything very mean, if he has a dog that + loves him. Many a time I have been just about ready to do a mean trick, + when the dog would sit down in front of me, and look up into my eyes in an + appealing way, and raise up one ear at a time and drop it, and raise the + other, and he would jump up on me and lick my hand, and seem to say, + 'Don't,' and, by gosh! I didn't. Say, if a mean boy has a dog that loves + him, the dog is better than he is, and the boy is careful about doing mean + things, for fear he will shame the dog. I don't suppose a dog will get to + heaven, but, if his master goes to heaven, the dog is mighty likely to lay + down on the outside of the pearly gates, and just starve to death, waiting + to hear the familiar whistle of his master, who is enjoying himself + inside. Now, let's go out on the porch while I smoke;” and the old man led + the way, and lighted up the old churn, and puffed away a while, and the + boy was in a hurry to get away with the other boys; and finally the boys + came up on the porch, and the dog went up to Uncle Ike and licked his + hand, as though he knew the old man was a friend of dogs and boys. “What's + this scar on his nose? Woodchuck bite him?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir,” said one of the boys. “And this one on the under lip?” said + the old man. “Looks like a gopher had took a bite out of that lip.” + </p> + <p> + “That's what it was,” said another boy, and they all laughed to think that + a dignified old man like Uncle Ike could tell all about the scars on a + cheap dog. “Well, boys, I won't detain you if you are going out to + exercise the dog on woodchucks or gophers. But let me tell you this,” and + he puffed quite a little while on the pipe, and seemed to be harking away + back to the bark of the dog friend of his boyhood, and the boys could + almost see the dirt flying out of an old-time woodchuck hole as the dog of + Uncle Ike's memory was digging and biting at roots, and snarling at a + woodchuck that was safe enough away down below the ground. “Let me tell + you something. You want to play fair with the dog. A dog has got more + sense than some men. He can tell a loafer, after one wood-chuck hunt. The + boy who gets interested when the clog is digging out a woodchuck, gets + down on his knees and pushes the dirt away, and pats the dog, and + encourages him, and when he comes to a root, takes his knife and cuts it + away, is the thoroughbred that the dog will tie to; but the boy who sits + in the shade and sicks the dog on, and don't help, but bets they don't get + the woodchuck, and when the dog and his working partner pulls the + woodchuck out, gets up out of the shade and begins to talk about how we + got the woodchuck, is the loafer. He is the kind of fellow who will + encourage others to enlist and go to war, in later life, while he stays + home and kicks about the way the war is conducted, and shaves mortgages on + the homes of soldiers, and forecloses them. That kind of a boy will be the + one who will lie in the shade when he grows up, and not work in the sun. + Didn't you ever see a dog half-way down a woodchuck hole, kicking dirt + into the bosom of the boy's pants who is backing him, suddenly back out of + the hole, wag his tail and wink his eyes, full of dirt, at the boy who is + working the hole with him, and then run out his tongue and loll, and look + at the fellows who are sitting around waiting for the last act, in the + shade, and say to them, as plain as a dog can talk, 'You fellows make me + tired. Why don't you get some style about you, and come in on this game on + the ground floor?' and then he gets rested a little, and you say, 'dig him + out,' and he swallows a big sigh at their laziness, and goes down in the + hole and digs and growls so the lazy boys think he has forgotten that they + are deadheads in the enterprise, but the dog does not forget.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I swow, if your Uncle Ike ain't away up in G on woodchuck hunting,” + said one of the neighbor boys as they all sat around the old man, with + their eyes wide open. “How about drowning out a gopher?” + </p> + <p> + “Same thing, exactly,” said Uncle Ike, as he filled up the pipe again, and + lit it, and run a broom straw through the stem, to give it air. “The dog + watches the hole, and keeps tab on the boys who carry water. You have got + to keep the water going down the gopher hole, and you got to work like + sixty. Gophers know better than to have holes too near the water, and the + dog knows what boy flunks after he carries one pail of water, and says, + 'Oh, darn a gopher anyway; I hain't lost no gopher,' and goes and sits + down and lets the other boys carry water. The dog knows that the boy who + keeps carrying water and pouring it in the hole is the thoroughbred, and + that the quitter has got a streak of yellow in him. When the hole is + filled up with water, and the gopher comes to the surface, and the dog + grabs for it, and the boy who took off his clothes and carried water also + grabs, and either the dog or the boy gets bit, usually the boy, the dog + knows that the boy who worked with him on that gopher hole has got the + making of a good business man in him. A business or professional career, + boys, is just like digging out a woodchuck, or drowning out a gopher, and + the fellows who help the dog when they are boys, are the ones who are + mighty apt to get the business woodchuck when they grow up. I will bet you + ten dollars that if you pick out the most successful business man in town, + and go look at his left thumb nail, you will find a scar on it where a + half-drowned gopher bit him, because he was at the hole at the right time. + Now, go and have fun, and be sure and play fair with the dog,” and Uncle + Ike took down a broom and shook it at them as they scattered down the + street, the dog barking joyously. + </p> + <p> + “I speak for carrying the water to drown out the gopher!” yelled the + red-headed boy. + </p> + <p> + “Me, too!” shouted the other boys in chorus, as they disappeared from + sight, and Uncle Ike listened until they were out of hearing, and then he + limped down to the gate and looked up the road toward the country, but all + he could see was a cloud of dust with a dog in it, and he walked back to + the house sadly, and as he lifted the lame leg upon the porch, and took + his hat, he said: + </p> + <p> + “Blamed if I don't hitch up the mare and drive out there where those boys + have gone. I'll bet I know woodchuck holes and gopher holes them kids + never would find if they had a whole passel of dogs,” and he went out to + the barn and pretty soon Aunt Almira heard him yell, “Whoa, gosh darn ye, + take in that bit!” and she put on her sunbonnet and went out to the barn + to see if he had actually gone crazy. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. + </h2> + <p> + “What you scratching yourself on the chest for?” said Uncle Ike, as the + red-headed boy stood with one hand inside his vest, digging as though his + life depended on his doing a good job. “Is there anything the matter with + you that soap and water will not cure?” and the old man punched the boy in + the ribs with a great big, hard thumb, as big as a banana. + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, how long will a porous plaster stay on, and isn't there any + way to stop its itching? I have had one on for seventeen days and nights, + and it seems to be getting worse all the time,” said the boy, as he dug + away at his chest. + </p> + <p> + “Good heavens, take it off quick!” said Uncle Ike, as he laid his lighted + pipe down on the table, on a nice, clean cloth, and the ashes and fire + spilled out, and burned a hole in it. “You will die of mortification. + Those plasters are only intended to be used as posters for a day or two. + What in the name of common sense have you worn it seventeen days for? + Let's rip it off.” + </p> + <p> + “No, I have got to wear it eighteen days more,” said the boy, with a look + of resignation. “Now, don't laugh, Uncle Ike, will you? You see my girl + has gone to the seashore to be gone five weeks, and she gave me a tintype + and told me to wear it next my heart till she got back, and I thought I + could get it nearer my heart by putting it right against the skin, and + putting a porous plaster over it, and by gum, I can feel her on my heart + every minute. Now don't laugh, Uncle.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0016" id="linkimage-0016"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/111.jpg" + alt="Here, This Plaster Has Got to Be Removed 111 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Well, I guess not,” said Uncle Ike, as he put out the fire on the + table-cloth, and smoked a little while to settle his thoughts. “Here, this + plaster has got to be removed before the fatal day of her return, or you + will be holding down a job as a red-headed angel. Now, open your shirt,” + and the old man reached in and got a corner of the plaster, and gave a + jerk that caused every hair on the boy's head to raise up and crack like a + whiplash, while the tintype of the girl, covered with crude India rubber + and medicated glue, dropped on the floor, and the boy turned pale and + yelled bloody murder. “Now, don't ever do that again. A picture in your + inside pocket is near enough to the heart for all practical purposes. + Next, you will be swallowing her picture in the hope that it will lodge + near your heart. Now I got something serious to talk with you about. One + of the park policemen was here this morning looking for you. He said some + of you boys just raised merry hades at the park concert last night. What + did you do?” + </p> + <p> + “Just flushed quails,” said the boy, as he buttoned his shirt, and gave + the sore spot a parting dig. “We played we were hunting quail, and we had + more fun than you ever saw.” + </p> + <p> + “There are no quail in the park,” said Uncle Ike, as he looked curiously + at the boy through the smoke. + </p> + <p> + “Here, this plaster has got to be removed before the fatal day of her + return,” and puffed until his cheeks sank in, and the tears came to his + eyes. “What is this quail fable, anyway?” + </p> + <p> + “You see,” said the boy, as he took a piece of ice out of the water + pitcher and held it in his bosom, where the plaster came off, “when there + is an evening concert at the park, the boys and girls go off in couples + and sit under the trees in the dark, or on the grass, where no one can see + them very well, and they take hold of hands and put their arms around each + other, and all the time they are scared for fear they will be caught, and + ordered to quit. Well, us boys go around in the dark, and when we see a + couple in that way, one boy comes to a point, like a dog, another boy + walks up to the couple and flushes them, and as they get up quick to go + somewhere else, I blow up a paper bag and bust it, and they start off on a + run. Say, Uncle Ike, it is fun. We chased one couple clear to the lake.” + </p> + <p> + “You did, did you, you little imp?” said the old man, as his sympathies + were aroused for the young people who were disturbed at a critical time. + “Don't let me ever hear of your flushing any more couples, or I'll flush + you the first time I catch you with your girl. How would you like to be + flushed? The parks are the only places many young people have to talk love + to each other, and it is cruel to disturb them by bursting paper bags in + their vicinity. If I was mayor I would build a thousand little summer + houses in the parks, just big enough for a poor young couple to sit in, + and talk over the future, and I would set policemen to watch out that + nobody disturbed them, and if one of you ducks come along, I would have + you thrown in the lake. The idea of a boy who is in love the way you + pretend to be, having no charity for others, makes me sick, I'll bet none + of those you flushed last night had it so bad they had tintypes of the + girls glued on their hearts with a porous plaster. Bah! you meddler!” and + the old man stamped his foot on the floor, and the boy looked ashamed. + </p> + <p> + “Well, that's the last time I will mix in another fellow's love affair,” + said the boy, as he climbed up on Uncle Ike's knee. + </p> + <p> + “Now, I want to talk to you seriously,” said the boy, as he looked up into + Uncle Ike's round, smooth, red and smiling face. “Us boys have been + reading about the serious condition of our country, when its wealthy + citizens are leaving it and going abroad to live. Do you think, uncle, + that William Waldorf Astor's deserting this country, and joining England, + is going to cause this country to fail up in business? In case of war with + England, do you think he would fight this country?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you kids can borrow more trouble about this poor old country of + ours than the men who own it can borrow. Astor! Why, boy, his deserting + his country will have about as much effect as it would for that man + working in the street to pack up his household goods and move to Indiana. + Do you suppose this state would tip up sideways if he should quit running + that scraper and move out of the state? Not much. The Astors have been + rich so long that they are un-American. It is not the natural condition of + an American to be rich. When a man gets too rich, he is worried as to what + to do with his money. There is no great enjoyment that the very rich can + have in this country that the poor cannot have a little of. The first + thing a very rich man acquires is a bad stomach. He becomes too lazy to' + take exercise, and lets a hired man take exercise for him. He looks at his + money, and thinks of his stomach. In Astor's case there was nothing in + this country that he could enjoy, not even sleep. Nobody respected him any + more than they did every other honest man. Only a few toadies would act + toward him as though he was a world's wonder, on account of his wealth. + People with souls, and health, and good nature, in the West, got rich as + he, and went to New York, and knew how to spend money and have fun, and do + good with it; and Astor couldn't understand it. He wanted to be considered + the only, but he never had learned how to blow in money to make others + happy. If he gave to the poor, an agent did it for him, and squeezed it, + and made a memorandum and showed it to him once a year, and he frowned, + and his stomach ached, and he took a pill, and sighed. I suppose two girls + from California, daughters of an old Roman of the mines and the railroads, + who died too soon, a senator with a soul, taught Astor how to do good with + money, and maybe scared him out of the country. Those girls seemed to, + know where there was a chance for suffering among the poor, and they kept + people in their employ on the run to get to places before the bread was + all gone, until half a million of the people that only knew there was an + Astor by the signs on buildings for rent, knew these Fair girls by sight, + and worshiped them as they passed. The girls are married now, but they + give just the same, and wherever they are in the world there is the crowd, + and there is the love of those who believe them angels. Astor could not + find any one to love him for any good he ever did that did not have rent + or interest as the object, and he went away where a man is respected in a + half-way manner, in proportion to the money he spends on royalty, in + imitating royalty, and he will run a race there, and get tired of it; and + some day, if he lives, he will come back to this country in the steerage, + as his ancestors did, and take out his first papers and vote, and maybe he + will be happy. The only way for a rich man to be very happy is to find + avenues for getting his congested wealth off his mind, where it will cause + some one who is poor and suffering to look up to him, and say that riches + have not spoiled him. But to inherit money and go through life letting it + accumulate, and not finding any avenue where it can leak out and be caught + in the apron of a needy soul, is tough. No, you boys need not worry about + the desertion of Astor. If we have a war with Great Britain, you would + find Astor taking a night trip across the channel, and France would draw + him in the lottery. One foreigner who landed in this country the day Astor + sailed away, will be of more value in peace or war than Astor could be if + he had remained.” + </p> + <p> + “Gosh!” said the boy, as he got up out of Uncle Ike's lap, “if you are not + a comfort! Between that porous plaster, and Astor's going to England, and + my girl at the seashore, I was about down with nervous prostration, but I + am all right now,” and the redheaded boy went out to round up the gang and + tell them the country was all safe enough, as long as they had Uncle Ike + to run it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. + </h2> + <p> + “Well, you are a sight!” said Uncle Ike, as the red-headed boy came in the + room, all out of breath, his shirt unbuttoned and his hair wet and + dripping, and his face so clean that it was noticeable. “Why don't you + make your toilet before you come into a gentleman's room? Where you been, + anyway?” + </p> + <p> + “Been in swimming at the old swimming hole,” said the boy, as he finished + buttoning his shirt, and sat down to put on his shoes and stockings, which + he had carried in his hat. “Had more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Stole + the clothes of a boy, and left him a paper flour sack to go home in. Wait + a minute and you will see him go by,” and the boy rushed to the window and + yelled to Uncle Ike to come and see the fun. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0017" id="linkimage-0017"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/119.jpg" alt="Nothing on But a Flour Sack 119 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Presently a boy came down the street from toward the river with nothing on + but a flour sack. He had cut holes in the bottom to put his feet through, + and pulled it up to his body, and the upper part covered his chest to the + arms, which were bare and sunburned, and the boy was marching along the + street as unconcerned as possible, while all who saw him were laughing. + </p> + <p> + “What did you do that for?” said Uncle Ike, as he called to the boy to + come in. + </p> + <p> + “Just for a joke,” said the red-headed boy, laughing, and jollying the boy + dressed in the flour sack, as he came in at Uncle Ike's invitation. + </p> + <p> + “Well, that is a good enough joke for two,” said Uncle Ike. “Now take off + your clothes and change with this boy, and put on the flour sack + yourself,” and he superintended the change, until the other boy had on a + full suit of clothes, and the red-headed boy had on the flour sack. “Now I + want you to go to the grocery and get me a paper of tobacco.” + </p> + <p> + “O, gosh, I don't want to go out in the street with this flour sack on. + Some dog will chase me, and the people will make fun of me,” said the boy, + with an entirely new view of a practical joke. + </p> + <p> + “But you go all the same,” said Uncle Ike, taking down a leather strap + that he sharpened his razor on, and driving the boy outdoors. “Bring back + this boy's clothes, also,” and he sat down and waited for the boy to + return. He came back after awhile with the tobacco and the clothes, + followed by a lot of other boys, and after the two had changed clothes, + and all had enjoyed a good laugh, Uncle Ike said: “Boys, playing practical + jokes is a good deal like jumping on a man when he is down. You will + notice that the weaker boy always has the joke played on him. Boys always + combine against the weak boy. The boy that can whip any of you never has + to wear a flour sack home from the swimming hole, does he? Any joke that + you can take turns at having played on you is fair, but when you combine + against the weak, you become a monopoly, or a trust. When I was a boy we + used to tie the clothes of the biggest and meanest boy in knots, and if he + couldn't take a joke we all turned in and mauled him. After this, if there + is to be any jokes, let the biggest boy take his turn first, and then I + don't care how soon the others take their dose, but this trust business + has got to be broke up,” and Uncle Ike patted the boys, on the head and + said they could go and have all the fun they wanted to. + </p> + <p> + “Speaking of trusts, Uncle Ike, I thought you said, a spell ago, that the + trusts would be brought up with a round turn,” said the red-headed boy, + reading, as he glanced at a heading in a morning paper, “but here is an + article says that a thousand million billion dollars have been invested in + trusts in New Jersey, and the manager of one of the biggest trusts says + nobody can do anything to stop them. He says: 'What are you going to do + about it?'” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Uncle Ike, as he filled the air with strong tobacco smoke, + and his eyes snapped like they did when he was mad, “you wait. I am older + than you are. I remember when old Bill Tweed, the great robber of New + York, who had stolen millions of dollars from the city, and was in his + greatest power, became arrogant, and asked the people what they were going + to do about it. When people think they are invincible they always ask what + anybody is going to do about it. When a bully steps on the foot of a quiet + and inoffensive man, purposely to get into a row, he looks at his victim + in an impudent manner and says, 'What are you going to do about it?' and + the victim gets up deliberately and thrashes the ground with the bully. + The people got mad at Tweed when he said that, and they chased him over + the world, and landed him in the penitentiary, where he died. That will be + the fate of some of these trust magnates. The foundation of the trust is + corruption. Its trade mark was uttered years ago by a great railroad man + who said, 'The public be d——d.' That expression is in the mind + of every man connected with a trust. He turns the thumbscrews on the + public, raises prices, and if they complain, he says, 'What are you going + to do about it?' and if anybody says the public cannot stand it, they say + 'the public be blessed,' or the other thing. Now, wait. The public will be + making laws, and the first law that is made will be one that sends a man + to the penitentiary who robs through a trust. If three men combine to rob + it is a conspiracy. If a hundred or a thousand combine to rob seventy + million people, it is treason. You wait, boys, and you will hear a noise + one of these days when the people speak, and you will hear trust magnates + who fail to get across the ocean before the tornado of public indignation + strikes, begging for mercy. Now, gosh blast you, run away. You have got me + to talking again,” and Uncle Ike lighted his pipe and shut up like a clam, + while the boys went out looking for trouble. + </p> + <p> + Uncle Ike had been dozing and smoking, and fixing his fishing tackle, and + oiling his gun, and whistling, and trying to sing, all alone, for an hour, + after the boys had gone out to have fun, and when he saw them coming in + the gate, two of them carrying a big striped watermelon, and the others + watching that it did not fall on the ground, he was rather glad the boys + had come back, and he opened the door and went out on the porch and met + them. + </p> + <p> + “S-h-h!” said the red-headed boy, as Uncle Ike thumped the melon with his + hard old middle finger, to see if it was ripe. “Don't say a word. Let's + get it inside the house, quick, and you carve it, Uncle,” and they brought + it in and laid it on the table, and the boys looked down the street as + though they were expecting some one. + </p> + <p> + “We never used to ask any questions when I was a boy, when a melon + suddenly showed up, and nobody knew from whence it came,” said Uncle Ike, + as he put both hands on the melon and pressed down upon it, and listened + to it crack. “Do you know, if a person takes potatoes, or baled hay, that + does not belong to him, it is stealing, but if a melon elopes with a boy, + or several boys, the melon is always considered guilty of contributory + negligence,” and the old man laughed and winked at the boys. “But a house + is no place to eat a melon in, and a knife is not good enough to cut a + melon. Now, you fetch that melon out in the garden, by the cucumber vines, + and I will show you the conditions that should surround a melon barbecue,” + and the old man led the way to the garden, followed by the boys, and he + got them seated around in the dirt, with the growing corn on one side, a + patch of sunflowers on another, a crabapple tree on one side, giving a + little shade where they sat, and the alley fence on the other. The boys + were anxious to begin, and each produced a toad-stabber, but Uncle Ike + told them to put away the knives, and said: + </p> + <p> + “The only way to eat a melon is to break it by putting your knee on it, + and taking the chunks and running your face right down into it. A nigger + is the only natural melon eater. There,” said he, as he crushed the + brittle melon rind into a dozen pieces, and spread it open, red, and + juicy, and glorious. “Now 'fall in,' as we used to say in the army,” and + the boys each grabbed a piece and began to eat and drink out of the rind, + the juice smearing their faces and running down on their shirt bosoms, and + Uncle Ike taking a piece of the core in his hands and trying to eat as + fast as the boys did, the red and sticky juice trickling through his + fingers, and the pulp painting pictures around his dear old mouth, and up + his cheeks to his ears, while he tried to tell them of a day during the + war when he was on the skirmish line going through a melon patch, and how + the order came to lie down, and every last soldier dropped beside a melon, + broke it with his bayonet, and filled himself, while the bullets whistled, + and how they were all sick afterwards, and had to go to the rear because + the people who owned the melons had put croton oil in them. + </p> + <p> + “Gosh, but this is great!” said the red-headed boy, as he stopped eating + long enough to loosen his belt. + </p> + <p> + “You bet!” said one of the other boys; “Uncle Ike is a James dandy,” and + he looked up and bowed to a boy with an apron on, who came into the garden + with a piece of paper in his hand, which he handed to Uncle Ike. + </p> + <p> + “What is this, a telegram?” says Uncle Ike, as he takes it with his sticky + fingers and feels for his glasses. + </p> + <p> + “No, it is the bill for the melon——50 cents,” said the + grocer's boy. + </p> + <p> + “Bunkoed, by gosh!” says Uncle Ike, as he looks around at the laughing + boys who have played it on him. + </p> + <p> + “Don't ever ask where a melon comes from,” said the red-headed boy. + </p> + <p> + “Sawed a gold brick on me, you young bunko-steerers,” says Uncle Ike, as + he wipes his hands on some mustard and feels in his pocket for the change; + “but it was worth it, by ginger,” and he pays for the melon, they all go + in the house and wash the melon off their hands and faces, the old man + lights his pipe and says: “Boys, come around here to-morrow and play this + trick on Aunt Almira, and I'll set up the root beer.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. + </h2> + <p> + “Say, where you been all day?” asked Uncle Ike of the red-headed boy, as + he showed up late in the afternoon, chewing a gob of gum so big that it + made his ear ache. “Here, I've been waiting all day for you, with so many + things on my mind to tell you about that I have had to make memorandums,” + and the old man took out his knife and shaved some tobacco off a plug, + rolled it in his hands and scraped it into the pipe, and lit up for a long + talk. + </p> + <p> + “I been working,” said the boy, as he took some pieces of chocolate out of + his pocket and offered them to his uncle. “I am working for a syndicate, + and have got a soft snap, with all the money I can spend,” and the boy + shook the pennies in his pocket so they sounded like emptying a collection + plate. + </p> + <p> + “Working for a syndicate, a-hem!” said the old man. “A syndicate is a + great thing, if you are the syndicate, but if you work for it you get + left, that's all. Now tell me about it. What you doing for a syndicate, + and who furnishes you the money to spend? Tell me, so I can see whether it + is honest. Somehow I can't feel that a syndicate means any good to a boy.” + </p> + <p> + “It is this way, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, as he threw away his gum and + took another stick out of his pocket, and chewed it until he fairly + drooled, “you know these slot machines in the depots and hotels, where + people put in a penny and pull out a knob and get a stick of gum or a + chocolate, or some peppermint drops. Well, the syndicate wants a boy to go + around and put in pennies, and get the prizes, when people are looking on, + so as to get them interested, so they will put in pennies, see?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure! You are a sort of capper for a gum bunko game, eh? Rope in the + people and get them next to a good thing,” said Uncle Ike, looking at the + boy over his glasses. “What particular talent does this new business bring + to the front? Do you make speeches to the people, encouraging them to + invest their hard-earned pennies in your great scheme for the amelioration + of the condition of the down-trodden, or what do you do? Tell me how the + thing works.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, my work is all pantomime. The man who hired me said I had a face + that was worth a fortune. I go up to a slot machine, and act as though I + never saw such a thing before. Then I monkey around, and seem to be + puzzled, and my face looks serious, and the people in the depot waiting + for trains gather around and watch me, and when the jays are all ripe, + ready to pick, I put a penny in the slot, draw out a stick of gum, put it + in my mouth, and then I smile one of those broad smiles, like this, and + the people begin to put in pennies, and they surround the machine, and + money just flows in, until their train goes, when another crowd comes in + and I work them on the chocolate slot, and just blow in pennies belonging + to the syndicate that owns the machines. Oh, it's a great snap, Uncle Ike. + You ought to go into it,” and the boy threw away his gum and went to + eating chocolate. + </p> + <p> + “Is that so? My face would be my fortune, too, would it?” said Uncle Ike, + who was beginning to show that he was mad. “And what salary does the + syndicate pay you for your valuable services as a piece of human fly + paper?” + </p> + <p> + “O, they don't pay me any salary,” said the boy, as he took out a handful + of syndicate pennies and poured them from one hand into another, to show + the old man that he had wealth. “I don't ask anything for my services. I + just get pay in fun, and have all the gum, and chocolate, and lemon drops + that I can eat. The man told me it would be an experience that would be + valuable to me in after life, being in the eye of the public, leading the + people. He said this would be the making of me, and open up a career that + would astonish my friends. Don't you think so, Uncle? Can't you see a + change in me since I went to work for the syndicate?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don't know but I do,” said Uncle Ike, as he pondered over the + remarks of the boy. “You begin to look more bilious, probably on account + of the chocolate you have eaten, to deceive the people at the depot into + the idea that it is good stuff. And perhaps this experience will be the + opening of a career. If you can, by your actions, cause strangers to run + up against a slot machine, I don't see why you couldn't, in time, be a + pretty good capper for a three-card monte game, where you could pick out + the right card, and the jay loses his money. If this is the kind of + business you have selected for a career, it will not be long before you + will be in demand as a bunko-steerer. You would be invaluable, with that + innocent face of yours, in roping in strangers to a robbers' roost, where + they would be fleeced and thrown down stairs on their necks. With about + two days more experience on a slot machine, some gold-brick swindler will + come along and raise the syndicate out on your salary, and put you on the + road selling gold bricks. Starting in business as a fakir, you will rise + to become a barker for a sideshow, graduate into bunko and gold bricks, + and if you are not sent to the penitentiary, there is a great opening for + you as a promoter of a trust in the air we breathe. We shall have to part + company. My reputation is dear to me. I have never turned a jack from the + bottom when I had one to go in seven-up, and to associate with a boy who + will rope people to buy mouldy gum, and be an advance agent of prosperity + as recorded on a slot machine, is too much, and I bid you good-bye. I have + loved you, but it was because you were innocent and tried to do the fair + thing, but—good-bye,” and the old man laid down his pipe, picked up + his hat and started for the door. + </p> + <p> + “Hold on, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, taking the handful of pennies out of + his pocket and laying them on the table, “I didn't know it was so bad. I + won't do it any more. Come back, please.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I got to go downtown,” said the old man, “and I will be back in an + hour. In the meantime you write out a letter of resignation to the + syndicate. Say that you find a diet of decayed chocolate and glucose candy + is sapping the foundation of your manhood, and that your Uncle Ike has + offered you a position on the staff of a gold-brick syndicate,” and the + old man went out, leaving the boy to write his resignation. + </p> + <p> + “Well, how is my decoy duck, and has he sent in his resignation?” said the + old man, as he came in a little later and found writing material and + pennies on the table, and the boy lying on the lounge looking pale and + sick. “What is this? Sick the first time you have to resign an office? + That won't do. You never will make a politician if you can't write out a + resignation without having it go to your head,” and the old man sat down + by the boy and found that he was as sick as a horse, his face white, and + cold perspiration on his upper lip among the red hairs, and on his brow + among the freckles. The boy's bosom was heaving, and his stomach was + clearly the seat of the disease, and suddenly the boy rushed out of the + room, into, the bathroom, and there was a noise such as is frequently + heard on steamboat excursions. The old man thought it was the chocolate + and gum that had made the boy sick, until he looked at his pipe on the + table, which was smoking, although he had been away an hour or more. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0018" id="linkimage-0018"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/129.jpg" + alt="Been Trying to Smoke the Old Man's Pipe, Eh 129 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Been trying to smoke the old man's pipe, eh?” said he, as the boy + staggered out of the bathroom so weak he could hardly stand, “Well, that + plug tobacco in the pipe is a little strong for a bunko-steerer, but I + suppose you thought if you were going to be a business man, and leave me, + you ought to take with you some of my bad habits. Let me fill the pipe + with some of this mild switchman's delight, and you try that,” and he + brought the pipe near to the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Take it away, take it away,” said a weak voice, coming from under a + pillow on the lounge. “Oh, Uncle Ike, I will never touch a pipe again. You + look so happy when you are smoking that I thought I would like to learn, + so I lit the pipe, and drew on it, and the smoke wouldn't come, and I drew + in my breath whole length, as I do when I dive off a spring board, and the + whole inside of the pipe came into my mouth, and I swallowed the whole + business, and pretty soon it felt as though a pin-wheel had been touched + off inside of me, and the sparks flew out of my nose, and the smoke came + out of my ears, and they turned on the water in my eyes, and my mouth + puckered up and acted salivated, like I had eaten choke-cherries, and + pretty soon the pin-wheel in my stomach began to run down, and I thought I + was going to stop celebrating, when the pin-wheel seemed to touch off a + nigger-chaser, and it went to fizzing all around inside of me, up into my + lungs, and down around my liver, and it called at all my vital parts and + registered its name, and when the nigger-chaser seemed to be dying it + touched off an internal skyrocket, and s-i-z-boom—that was when I + went in the bathroom, 'cause I was afraid of the stick. Say, Uncle Ike, + does anyone ever die from smoking plug tobacco?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes, about half of them die, when they smoke it the first time. When + their eyes roll up, like yours, and they cease to be hungry, and feel as + though they had rather lie clown than stand up, they don't last very + long,” and the old man looked serious, and reached for his pipe and a + match, and said: “Any last message you want to send to anybody; any + touching good-bye? If you do, whisper it to me, and I will write your + dying statement.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't light that dum pipe!” said the boy, rolling over and looking like a + seasick ghost, as Uncle Ike was about to scratch a match on his trousers. + “Here is the address of my girl. Write to her that I am dead. That I died + thinking of her, and smelling of plug tobacco. Put it in that I died of + appendicitis, or something fashionable, and say that eight doctors + performed eight operations on me, but peritonitis had set in, and there + was no use, but that they cut a swath in me big enough to drive an + automobile through. I had rather she would think of me as dying a heroic + death, than dying smoking plug tobacco. And, say, Uncle Ike, after you + have written her, don't make a mistake and send my resignation to the + syndicate to her. O, God! but it is hard to die so young,” and the boy + went to sleep on the lounge, and Uncle Ike went to taking the kinks out of + a fish line, knowing that when the boy woke up he wouldn't be dead worth a + cent. About half an hour later the boy rolled over, opened his big eyes, + sat up, and stared around, and Uncle Ike said: + </p> + <p> + “Now, you go in the bath-room and wash your face in cold water, and you + will be all right,” and the boy did so, and came back with almost a smile + on his face, and he looked at the papers on the table, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, you didn't send that appendicitis story to my girl, did you? + Gosh, but I am all right now, and I am not going to die.” + </p> + <p> + “No, I didn't send it; but next time I will, by ginger,” and the old man + laughed. “Here, have a smoke on me,” but the boy went out in the open air + and kicked himself. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. + </h2> + <p> + It was a beautiful, hot, sunny morning, and after breakfast Uncle Ike came + out on the porch in his shirt sleeves, and with a pair of old hunting + shoes on, and his shirt sleeves rolled up, showing the sleeves of a red + flannel undershirt, a kind he always wore, winter and summer. He leaned + against the post of the porch, lit his pipe, and looked away toward the + hazy, hot horizon, and thought of old days that had been brought to his + mind the day before, when he saw the parade of a Wild West show. The old + man was a '49er, who went across the plains for gold when the country was + young, and the yells of the Indians had made him nervous, as they did half + a century ago. He had staked the red-headed boy and several of his chums + to go to the show, and was waiting for them to show up and report. He + stepped down on the lawn and took up the nozzle of a sprinkler and turned + it on a lilac bush, when suddenly there was a yell that was unmistakably + that of a Comanche Indian; and he stopped and looked at the bush, and + could plainly see a moccasin and a leg with buckskin fringe on it, and he + knew the boys were laying for him, to scalp him and have fun with him; so + he held the nozzle as his only protection against the bloodthirsty band of + savages, headed by Chief Red Head, his nephew, but a bad Indian when off + the reservation. From behind an evergreen tree down by the gate there came + a blood-curdling yell, which was evidently from the throat of “Watermelon + Jim,” a neighbor's boy, while from the wild cucumber vine on the south + porch came a noise like that of a pack of wolves breakfasting on a fawn. + </p> + <p> + “Surrender!” shouted a damp voice from behind the lilac bush, where the + hose was turned. “Surrender, or we burn down your ranch over your head!” + and a painted Indian, with red, short hair showing under the feather, + crawled toward a rosebush, where it was dry. + </p> + <p> + “Never!” said Uncle Ike, as he bit the stem of his pipe, and smiled at the + boys who were peeking out from behind the different hiding places. “Your + Uncle Ike often dies, but he never surrenders,” and he cocked the nozzle + of the lawn sprinkler, and stood ready for the attack. + </p> + <p> + The red-headed Indian lit a parlor match and held it aloft, which was + apparently a smoke signal, for an Indian behind the porch appeared and + suddenly a swish was heard in the air, and a piece of clothesline with a + noose in it came near going over Uncle Ike's head; so near that it broke + his clay pipe, leaving the stem between his lips. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, ha! You will, will you? Vamoose!” said Uncle Ike, as he turned the + hose on the Indian with the lasso, and drove him behind the porch with + water dripping down his calico shirt, taking the color out. Then an Indian + near the gate began to fire blank cartridges with a toy pistol and Uncle + Ike put his elbow up in front of his face, as he said afterward, to save + his beauty, and Uncle Ike started toward that Indian, dragging the hose, + and shouting, “Take to the chaparral, condemn you, or I will drown you out + like a gopher!” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0019" id="linkimage-0019"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/137.jpg" alt="Take to the Chaparral, Condemn You 137 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + For a moment there was an ominous silence. The Indians had withdrawn + behind the currant bushes, but Uncle Ike knew enough of Indian warfare to + know that the silence was only temporary. Suddenly there was a blazing and + crackling, and a big smoke from the back of the house, and it seemed the + redskins had set fire to the house, the hired girl yelled fire and murder, + and came out with a pail of water, while the chief yelled “Charge!” and in + a minute Uncle Ike was surrounded by the tribe, his legs tied with the + clothesline, though he fought with the garden hose until there was not a + dry rag on one of the boys or himself. + </p> + <p> + “Burn him at the stake!” shouted a little shrimp who carries papers every + afternoon, after school, as he wiped the red paint off his cheek on to his + bare arm, and shook water out of his trousers leg. + </p> + <p> + “No, let's hold him for a ransom,” said the redheaded boy. “Aunt Almira + will give us enough to buy a melon, and make us a pail of lemonade, if we + let this gray-haired old settler off without scalping him.” + </p> + <p> + “Chief, spare me, please,” said Uncle Ike, as he sat up in a puddle of + water on the battle ground, with his legs tied. “I am the mother of eleven + orphan children. O, spare me! and don't walk on that pipe of mine on the + grass there, with your moccasins. I will compromise this thing myself, and + pay the ransom. Here is a dollar. Go and buy melons, and we will have a + big feed right here. But what was the fire behind the house, and is it put + out?” + </p> + <p> + “The ransom is agreed to,” said the red-headed boy, as he took off his + string of feathers, and gave a yell, hitting his lips with the back of his + hand so it would “gargle,” “and the fire is out. We put some kerosene on + an empty beer case, that was all.” So Uncle Ike handed over the dollar, + and was released, while a boy who had washed his paint off was sent to a + grocery after a melon. Then they wiped the mud off Uncle Ike, and all went + upon the porch, a new pipe of peace was provided, and they talked about + the Wild West show of the night before, while Uncle Ike did the most of + the smoking of the pipe of peace, though he wiped the stem once and handed + it to the red-headed chief to take a whiff, but the chief, after his + experience with plug tobacco cholera a few days before, declined with + thanks. + </p> + <p> + “What interested you most at the show?” said Uncle Ike, puffing away, as + he sat on the floor of the porch, and leaned his back against one of the + posts. “When you go to a show you always want to get your mind on + something that makes an impression on you.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said the boy who had worked the lasso on Uncle Ike, “the way + these Mexicans handled the lariat struck me the hardest, only they look so + darned lazy. They just wait for a horse to get in the right place, and + then pull up. I would like to see them chase something, and catch it by + the leg, that was trying to get away. But the Cossacks! O, my! couldn't + they ride, standing up, or dragging on the ground with one foot in the + stirrup. Gosh! if Russia turned about a million of those Cossacks loose on + China, they wouldn't do a thing to John Chinaman.” + </p> + <p> + “The Indians got me,” said another boy, as he took off a moccasin and hung + it up in the sun to dry, after his fight to the death with Uncle Ike's + waterworks. “I would like to be an Indian, or a squaw, and never have + anything to do but travel with a show, and yell. They just have a soft + snap, dressing up in feathers, and paint, and buckskin, and living on the + fat of the land, and yelling ki-yi! in a falsetto voice.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I don't know,” said the red-headed boy, “what struck me as the most + exciting was the battle of San Juan hill. Say, did you see our boys just + walk right up to the Spaniards, in the face of a perfect hailstorm of + blank cartridges, with a gatling gun stuttering smokeless powder, and the + boys in blue firing volleys, and the rough riders walking on foot, and the + Spaniards just falling back, and pretty soon we went right over them, and + down came the Spanish flag, and then the Stars and Stripes went up, and + there was where I yelled so the roof ripped. But what made me cry was to + see Old Glory and the British flag get together, every little while, and + float side by side, and seem to be grown together as one flag, and + everybody seemed glad. What you think about things, Uncle Ike? Don't sit + there and smoke up, all the time, but tell us what you think about the + American and British flags waving together so much lately. Are you in + favor of an alliance? Do you want to be an assistant Englishman, Uncle + Ike?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don't want to be quoted much on this business,” said Uncle Ike, + as he looked around at the boys, who were listening intently. “I have + watched the course of England and all the countries, for over, fifty + years, in their relations with this country, and the only friendship + England ever showed to us was in the last war. They did us good, no doubt, + and I trust I am grateful, as becomes a good citizen. It was like a big + boy and little boy fighting. The big boy can whip if he is not interfered + with, but a lot of boys are standing around, ready to mix in to help the + little fellow. They are ready to trip up the big fellow, so the little one + can jump on him, and they are getting ready to throw stones at him, and + kick him on the shins. Then a big bully that they are all afraid to + tackle, comes along and says: 'This little fellow picked on the big + fellow, and kept nagging him till he had to fight or run. Now the little + fool has got to take his medicine, and you fellows mustn't mix in, or you + got me to fight. Just keep hands off, that's all.' That's all there was to + it, but it came in mighty handy, and we appreciate it, but there is too + much grand stand play about an alliance. In other wars with England, + Germans and French and Poles have fought with us, and for us, and yet we + have never felt like having an alliance with them. Do you ever take much + stock in Russia, boys? Don't ever forget Russia. During our war between + the North and South, we were once in a tight place. England and other + countries were about to recognize the Southern Confederacy, and England + was doing everything possible to break us up, furnishing privateers, and + harboring confederate gunboats, and making it warm for us. Boys, your + Uncle Abraham Lincoln was perspiring a good deal those days. They say he + couldn't wear a collar, he sweat so. It was believed that England and + several other countries were going to simultaneously recognize the + Confederacy, and maybe turn in and fight us. Warships from other countries + were hovering around our southern coast, and our soldiers were feeling + pretty blue, the cabinet never smiled, and nobody laughed out loud except + Uncle Abe, and even his laugh seemed to have a hollow, croupy sound. One + day, when the strain was the greatest, and everybody felt as though there + was a funeral in the family, and there were funerals in most families, a + flock of warships flying the flag of Russia, steamed by Sandy Hook, and up + to New York, saluted the forts and the Stars and Stripes all along up to + the Battery. It seemed as though those battleships never would stop + coming. They lined up all around New York, and their guns pointed toward + the sea, and every Russian on board acted as though he was loaded for + bear. The news went to Washington that night, and they say Uncle Abe had + night sweats. The next morning a Russian admiral, who had gone over to + Washington on a night train, called to pay his respects to the President, + and presented him with a document in the Russian language, which had to be + interpreted by the Russian minister. When it was interpreted they say old + Abe danced a highland fling, and hugged the Russians and danced all hands + around. That document has never been published, but it was to the effect + that the Russian fleet was at the disposal of the President of the United + States, to fight any country on the face of God's green earth that + attempted to mix in. See? It was not long before other nations discovered + that Russia had sent her fleet to stay, and every Russian on every vessel + acted as though he was spoiling for a fight, and seemed to say to the + world, 'Come on, condemn you!' And nobody ever came along to fight. And + Uncle Abe began to be in a laughing mood, and you know the rest, if you + have read up about the war. Nobody has ever suggested an alliance with + Russia, and yet we are under more obligations to that old Czar than to + anybody. In fact, we don't want an alliance with anybody. We want the + friendship of all. If I have any more love for one country than another, I + do not know which it is, only when I see a Russian, even one of those + Cossacks that rode so well, I feel like taking him by the hand and telling + him, when he goes home, to go up to the Winter palace and give my love to + the Czar, because I always have before me the picture of that Russian + fleet in New York harbor, when things were hot. England has done a similar + favor during this last war, and if we had another war, and the newspapers + would quit nagging him, you would find the young emperor of Germany doing + something for us equally as good. So, boys, don't get stuck on one + country, but give them all a chance to be good to us.” + </p> + <p> + “Gosh, Uncle Ike, I never heard anything about that Russian fleet,” said + the red-headed boy. “England can go plum to thunder. I thought England was + the only country that was ever even polite to us.” + </p> + <p> + “Come on, boys, let's go and play Cossack,” said one of the Indians, and + they went rolling over the picket fence on their stomachs, leaving Uncle + Ike to go and put on some dry clothes. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. + </h2> + <p> + Uncle Ike had been having twinges of rheumatism in one of his legs ever + since he had the scrap with the Indians, and turned the hose on them and + got wet himself, and he sat out on the porch one morning with a blanket + over his leg trying to warm it up, smoking his pipe in silence, and + wondering why the good Lord arranged things so a good man should grow old, + and have pains. The red-headed boy and quite a flock of kids of about his + age were sitting on the sidewalk, outside the fence, arguing something in + loud voices, and finally he heard them agree to leave it to Uncle Ike, and + then they piled over the fence and came up to the porch, and the + red-headed boy was the spokesman. + </p> + <p> + He said: “Say, Uncle Ike, us boys have got a bet and you are to decide it. + Isn't it true that the people of Cuba, Porto Rico and the Philippines are + gamblers, and hasn't our government fought them to a standstill to send + people there to induce them to stop gambling and to attend to business? + Isn't gambling a sin, and is it not our duty as a nation, to teach these + ignorant people the wickedness of gambling, bull fighting, cock fighting, + and all that?” and the boys sat all around Uncle Ike, waiting for a + decision to be handed down, as they say in court. + </p> + <p> + The old man rapped the bowl of his pipe on the arm of the rocking chair, + blew through the stem, made up a face when he got some of the nicotine on + his tongue, took a piece off the broom and run through it, blew again, + reached for the tobacco bag, filled it up, lighted it, smoked a minute or + two in silence, while five pairs of big boys' eyes watched him as though + he was a chief justice. He wiggled around a little, to ease his leg, + knitted his brow as the pain shot through his leg, almost said damn; then + the pain let up, his face cleared off, a smile came over it, he looked at + the little statesmen around him, and finally said: + </p> + <p> + “Well, boys, you must not grow up with the idea that our own beloved + country has no faults. Just love it, with all its faults; fight for it, if + necessary, but don't get daffy over it. In the countries you speak of, + everybody gambles more or less. In this country only a small proportion + gamble, and yet the element of chance is something that is very attractive + to most people here at home. The other evening your Aunt Almira brought + home a beautiful goblet she won at a progressive euchre party of + neighbors. How much more of a sin is it for the Cuban woman to win five + dollars at monte, and buy a goblet? It is scarcely three years since + tickets in Havana lotteries were publicly sold in this country. There is + more money lost and won on draw poker in one day in New York than is lost + and won in Havana on monte and roulette. You can find almost any gambling + game in Chicago or Milwaukee that you can find in the Philippines; and + while we do not have bull fighting, we have prize fighting every night in + the week, far more brutal. It is the gambling instinct in men and women + that keeps the stock exchanges going, and industrial stocks, manipulated + by those who control the prices, is tinhorn gambling, as much as pulling + faro cards from a silver box in a brace game, where the dealer gets a + rake-off, the same as the commission man, who deals the cards in stock or + wheat. I don't know whether it is the object of our government to attempt + to show the people of these new possessions the wickedness of gambling, + and cock fighting, and all that; but if it is, thousands of men who have + become bankrupt from gambling here at home could be sent there as object + lessons; but the chances are they would put up a job to skin the natives + out of their last dollar on some game they did not understand. If gambling + is a sin, let he who is without sin throw the first stone into a Porto + Rican cock fight. Let the senator who never played draw poker be the first + to introduce a resolution to stop gambling in Manila. Let the army general + that never sat up all night at a faro bank issue the first order against + monte and roulette in Havana. Let the men who furnished embalmed beef for + widows' sons, issue edicts against making fresh meat out of live bulls. I + can't decide your bet. You better call it a draw,” and the old man looked + at the boys as though he wanted to change the subject. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0020" id="linkimage-0020"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/147.jpg" alt="You Better Call It a Draw 147 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Say, boys, Uncle Ike knows more than any man in the world,” said the + red-headed boy, “but he argues too much. Let's go and play shinny and call + it golf,” and they went off on a gallop, leaving Uncle Ike with his lame + leg and his pipe. + </p> + <p> + Uncle Ike sat and thought for an hour or more, on the porch, occasionally + moving his rheumatic leg so it hurt him worse than it did before he moved + it, and then he wondered what in the deuce he had moved it for. He thought + of his experience as a gambler, since the boys had talked about gambling. + He thought of the time he went to a State fair, when he was a boy, right + fresh off the farm, with his white shirt his mother had sat up the night + before to iron for him, his ready-made black frock-coat that the sun had + faded out on the shoulders, the old brown slouch hat he had traded another + one for with a lightning rod peddler, his shoes blacked with stove + blacking, instead of being greased, as usual. He thought how a gambler at + the State fair picked him out for a greeny before he had fairly got + through the gate, and wondered how the gambler could have known he was so + green without being told, and yet he carried a sign of greenness, from the + faded and sunburned hair of his head to the sole of his stove-blacking + shoes. He thought how the gambler got him to bet that he could find the + pea in the shell, and how he had been so confident that he could find it + that he had bet his whole month's wages, and when the gambler had taken + it, and wound it around a wad he had, and put it in his vest pocket, he + remembered, here sitting on the porch with his rheumatic leg, how mad he + was when the gambler who had ruined him, shouted, “Next gentleman, now! + Roll up, tumble up, any way to get up!” As he sat there waiting for the + boys to come back and be company for him, he thought how destitute he was + when the gambler had taken his money, how he was twenty miles from home, + with only 20 cents in his pocket, and he sat down on a chicken coop, and + ate 10 cents' worth of the hardest-hearted pie that ever was, and the + tears came to his eyes, and the great crowd at the fair all mixed up with + the horses and cattle, and he wandered about like a crazy person, all the + afternoon, and at night started to walk home, with the balance of his + wealth invested in gingerbread that stuck in his throat as he walked along + the road in the dust, and he drank at all the wells he passed, until + before he got home the peaches he had eaten before he gambled, combined + with the corrugated iron pie, and the gingerbread and the various waters, + gave him a case of cholera morbus big enough for a grown person, and when + he got home along toward morning he wanted to die, and rather thought he + would. Then he began to wonder if that gambler ever prospered, and whether + he wound up his career in the penitentiary, or in politics, when he saw a + big dust down the road, where the boys had gone, and presently the whole + crowd came on a run, barefooted, and the first to arrive hit Uncle Ike on + the arm and said, “Tag; you're it,” and they all laid down on the grass + and panted, and accused each other of shoving, and not running fair. After + they had got so they could breathe easy, and each had taken a lot of green + apples out of his shirt, and were biting into them and looking sorry they + did so, the red-headed boy said: + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, we have been talking it over, and have decided that some day + you are to take us down to Pullman, the town founded by George Pullman. We + have read a book about the town, and all about the philanthropist who laid + it out, and made a little Utopia—I think that's the word—for + the laboring men in his employ, where they have little brick houses made + to fit a family, with gas and water. The book says he was a regular father + to them, and we want to see a place where everybody is happy and + contented. Will you take us there some time, Uncle Ike? Isn't Pullman the + greatest and happiest man in the world?” + </p> + <p> + “Look a here,” said Uncle Ike, as he got up and tried his lame leg, and + found the pain was gone, and walked down on the lawn where the boys were + rolling in the grass, and sat down on a lawn chair; “when you read a book + of fairy stories, you want to look at the date. That book was written a + dozen years ago to advertise Pullman cars. It is out of date.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, isn't the town there, and are not the laboring people happy, and + singing praises to the great and good Mr. Pullman, and showering blessings + on his family, and helping to make a heaven upon earth of the town he + built for them?” + </p> + <p> + “I thought you boys were up to the times,” said the old man, as he lighted + up his pipe, and crossed his legs so the lame one was on top, “but you are + back numbers. You read too much algebra, English history and fables. Why, + Pullman has been dead for years, both the man and the town. I guess I'll + have to educate you a little in American history, that you don't get in + the ward school. Pullman was a carpenter who worked with a jack plane, and + a saw, and things. It is said he took advantage of some ideas another man + forgot to patent, got the ideas patented, and the result was the sleeping + car. He made money by the barrel, and when the callouses and blood + blisters were off his hands, and they became soft, he began to blow in + money, and made people acquainted with the fact that he was too rich for + words. He still looked like a carpenter, but smelled like a rose garden, + for he learned to take a bath every few minutes and perfume himself, so + the old-fashioned perspiration that had been so healthy for him would not + be noticed. He hunted dollars as a pointer dog hunts chickens, and finally + he got so much money he could not count it, and he hired men who were good + at figures to count it for him. Then his brain took a day off and studied + out Pullman, and he built it on the prairie. His idea was all right, only + that he couldn't get over the idea that he must have a big percentage on + his outlay, in rents. He wanted his men to be happy, but he wanted them to + pay big prices. Another thing he wanted was for them not to think, but to + let him do all the thinking. For a few years they were happy, but they + kept getting in debt; he cut down on wages, but kept rents up, and the + price of gas and water never went down. If they did not like it they could + go somewhere else, and leave some of the furniture to square up, if they + were behind in rent, but usually the bookkeeper took it out of the wages. + Then they traded at his stores, attended his theater, and he got most all + the velvet. They stood it as long as possible, and asked for more wages, + and more work, and his agents—Pullman was never there himself, he + had an island in the St. Lawrence, and residences everywhere except at his + Utopia—told them to hush up and go to work, and be mighty quick + about it, or he would fire them bodily out of the town. Then they struck, + and wanted to arbitrate, but Pullman telegraphed that there was nothing to + arbitrate, and then the Utopia became a Tophet, which it had resembled for + some time. Everything was closed up, men saw their children hungry, and + they were moved away by charity to new places, where they might get some + work. The cold-blooded proposition that is not popular with American + citizens was that if men would get on their knees, apologize, and beg, the + authorities would see what could be done for them. Men became desperate, + troops were sent to guard the premises and to jab with bayonets these + happy workmen that did not move along fast enough. Pullman himself stayed + at his island, or at the seashore, and the men who had dared to think + without a dog license were growing thinner, and by and by nearly all were + gone; others took their places, but the old town was not what it used to + be. Workmen preferred to live miles away, in attics, or anywhere, in + preference to the Pullman cottages. Then, one morning Pullman died, quick + action, at his house and millionaire neighbors buried him. Few flowers + were sent by the old laborers. His boys, twins, had developed a partiality + for jags, and having been cut off with little money in his will, they have + wandered around, from one drunk cure to another, marrying occasionally, + and otherwise enjoying themselves, until their poor mother was almost + crazy, and the Pullman works are run by men who happened to be in on the + ground floor, but who don't care much about the laboring man. No, sir,” + said the old man, warming up to the subject, “I will not take you kids to + Pullman. I had rather take you to a cemetery, or visit the homes of the + cliff dwellers of Mexico. Now, go wash up for dinner. You get me to + talking, and I forget all about, my rheumatism, and my dinner, and + everything,” and the old man started for the house, and the boys looked at + each other as though they had learned something not in the school books. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. + </h2> + <p> + It was the first cool and bracing morning since the extreme heat of the + summer, and Uncle Ike had begun to feel like going duck shooting. He could + almost smell duck feathers in the air, and he had put on an old dead-grass + colored sweater, with a high collar that rubbed against his unshaven neck, + and he had got out his gun to wipe it for the hundredth time since he laid + it away at the close of the last season. He looked it over and petted it, + and finally sat down in a rocking chair, with the gun between his knees + and a few cartridges in his hand that he had found in the pocket of his + sweater; and he got to thinking of the days that he had passed, in the + last half century, shooting ducks, and hoping that the clock of time could + be turned back, in his case, and that he might be permitted to enjoy many + years more of the sport that had given' him so much enjoyment, and + contributed so greatly to his health and hardness of muscle. He was + cocking the old gun and letting down the hammers in a contemplative mood, + and occasionally aiming at a fly on the opposite wall, as though it was a + cluck, when, the door opened and the red-headed boy, accompanied by eight + other boys, armed to the teeth with such weapons as they could find, + marched in and formed a line on the opposite side of the room, and at the + command, “Present arms!” given by the red-headed captain, they saluted + Uncle Ike. He arose from the rocking chair, placed his shotgun at a + “carry,” and acknowledged the salute, and said: + </p> + <p> + “If that horse pistol that No. 2 soldier has got pointed at my stomach is + loaded, I want to declare that this war is over, and you can go to the + cook and get your discharges, and fill out your blanks for pensions. But + now, what does this all mean? Why this martial array? Why do you break in + on a peaceful man this way, a man who does not believe in shedding human + gore, so early in the morning?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0021" id="linkimage-0021"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/157.jpg" + alt="We Came to Offer You the Position of Colonel 157 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Uncle Ike,” said the red-headed boy, stepping one pace to the front, and + saluting with a piece of lath, “we came to offer you the position of + colonel of our regiment. We have thought over all the men who have been + suggested as leaders, and have concluded that you are the jim dandy, and + we want you to accept.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, this takes me entirely by surprise;” said Uncle Ike, as he laid the + shotgun on the table; “I certainly have not sought this office. But I + cannot accept the trust until I know what is the object of the + organization. Who do you propose to fight?” + </p> + <p> + “We are organized to fight the French, both with weapons and by the + boycott,” said the leader, swelling out his chest, and each red hair + sticking up straight. “We have watched the trial of Dreyfus, and the + outrage of his conviction without a particle of testimony against him, has + just made us sick, and we are forming a regiment to fight Frenchmen + wherever we find them. We had the first battle at daylight this morning, + when a French milkman drove along, and we threw eggs at him, and his horse + run away and spilled four cans of milk. We are for blood, or milk, or any + old thing that Frenchmen deal in. We will not drink any French champagne, + and have decided not to visit the Paris Exposition.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I swow! you have got it up your noses pretty bad, haven't you?” + said the old man as he ordered the platoon to sit down on the floor and go + into camp. “It is pretty tough, the way the French treated Dreyfus, but + how are you going to make your boycott work?” + </p> + <p> + “We are going to petition the President to cut off supplies for the Paris + Exposition, withdraw from participation in it, and we are going to ask all + the people that were intending to go to Paris to stay away.” + </p> + <p> + “I see, I see,” said Uncle Ike, feeling in the pocket of his old sweater, + and finding a handful of leaves, twigs and plug tobacco that had + accumulated there for years. “How many Jew boys have you got enlisted in + your army? You know this Dreyfus trouble is a fight on the Jews, not only + in France, but of the whole world. You ought to have a whole regiment of + Jew boys. How many have you got?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, we haven't got any yet, but a whole lot of them are going to think + about it, and ask their parents if they can join,” said the captain. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, they will think about it, but they won't join,” said the old man, + reaching for his pipe, and lighting up for a talk. “The Jews are the most + patient, peaceful people in the world. They come the nearest to acting on + the theory of the Golden Rule, of any class of people, and they are about + the only people that will turn the other cheek, when hit on the jaw. They + have been assailed for thousands of years, until they look upon being + ostracised and trodden upon as one of the things they must expect, and + they don't kick half as much as they ought to. If they had the enthusiasm + and the fighting qualities of the Irish, they would take blackthorn clubs + and mow a swath through France wide enough for an army to march over. Why + don't you fellows wait until the Jews map out a plan of campaign, and then + follow them? It is no dead sure thing that if the people of other + countries boycotted France, that they would not ruin more Jews than + Frenchmen, as the Jews are in business that the Exposition will make or + break, while the French just sit around and drink absinthe and shout 'viva + la armee!' Don't you see you may ruin the very people you want to help? + Then, stop and think of another thing. It is not many months ago that a + Jew cadet at West Point was hazed and abused and ostracised by the other + cadets, and had his life made such a burden that he had to resign and go + home, heart-broken to a heart-broken mother. That was almost as bad as the + Dreyfus case as far as it went. How can the President boycott France for + abusing Jews when our own army officers, that are to be, have shown a + meanness that will size up pretty fairly with the French army devils. I'll + tell you, boys, what you do. Let your sympathy go out to Dreyfus, and all + his people, but don't go off half-cocked. Wait until the representative + Jews of this country decide what it is their duty to do in this case, and + then join them, and help them, whether it is to fight or to pray. If they + conclude to sit down, and look sorry, and turn the other cheek, and be + swatted some more, you be sorry also. If they decide to get on their ears, + and fight, with money, or guns, or boycott, you do as you like about + helping them out. But if you read, in a day or two, that France has + borrowed a few more millions of Rothschild, to pay off these officers who + have persecuted Dreyfus, you can make up your minds that it is a good deal + like our politics here at home, mighty badly mixed. Now you go and get me + a wash basin of hot soft water, and some rags, and I will clean this gun, + and you disband your army, and appoint a good Jew for colonel, and when he + says the affair is ripe for a fight you can spiel,” and the old man took + the gun apart and prepared to clean it. + </p> + <p> + “Atten-shun!” shouted the red-headed boy to his army, and each soldier + jumped up off the carpet and stood erect as possible. “I will now disband + you, and deliver my farewell address.” Then he whispered to Uncle Ike, and + the old man handed him a half dollar, when the captain gave the money to a + boy who seemed to be second in command, and added, “Go and buy you some + ice-cream soda, and be prepared to respond to the call to arms at a + minute's notice. If France does not pardon Dreyfus, and I can get a lot of + Jew boys to join us, we won't do a thing to France. Break ranks! Git!” and + the boys went outdoors and made a rush for a soda fountain. + </p> + <p> + “Now, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, as he watched his army going clown the + street, “I have got a favor to ask of you. I want you to give me music + lessons.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'll be bunkoed,” said Uncle Ike, as he began to pull the sweater + off over his head. “I can't sing anything but 'Marching Through Georgia.' + What you want music lessons for?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, I'll tell you, if you won't laugh at me,” said the boy, + blushing. “You see, my girl has got back from the seashore, where she has + been taking salt-water baths. She was too fresh, but she is salty enough + now, and her face and arms are tanned just like these Russia leather + moccasins. You couldn't tell her from an Indian, only she doesn't smell + like buckskin. She has been taking lessons all summer at a conservatory of + music, and she can sing away up so high that when she strikes a high note + and gargles on it, it makes your hair raise right up, and bristle, it is + so full of electricity. She has got a tenor voice that——” + </p> + <p> + “Hold on, hold on, you have got all mixed up,” said the old man. “She does + not gargle. That is called warbling, or trilling, or trolling, or + something. And no girl has a tenor voice. She must be a soprano.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, that's what I want to take music lessons for, so I can talk with + her intelligently about her music. Why, last night we were at a party, and + I turned the music while she played and sang, and I got the wrong page, + and got her all tangled up, and when she got through, and the people were + telling her how beautiful she sang, I told her she had the most beautiful + bass voice I ever saw, and she was so mad she wouldn't speak to me, so I + want you to teach me which is tenor, and which is baritone, and which is + that other thing, you know, Uncle Ike.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I think I do,” said the old man as he turned his head away to keep + from laughing. “You want to learn to be a he Patti, in four easy lessons. + Why, you couldn't learn enough about music to be in her class in fourteen + years. What you want to do is to look wise, and applaud when anybody gets + through singing, and say bravo, and beautiful, and all that, but not give + yourself away by commenting on the technique, see?” + </p> + <p> + “Stopper! Backerup! What is technique on a girl, Uncle Ike?” asked the + red-headed boy, as his eyes stuck out like peeled onions. “I have been + around girls ever since I was big enough to go home alone after seeing + them home, without being afraid of spooks, but I hope to die if I ever saw + a technique.” + </p> + <p> + “The technique,” said Uncle Ike, looking wise, “is what we musicians call + the—the—get there, Eli. You know when a girl is singing, and + gets away up on a high note, and keeps getting it down finer all the time, + until it is not much bigger than a cambric needle, and she draws in a + whole lot of air, and just fools with that wee bit of a note, and draws it + out fine like a silk thread, and keeps letting go of it a little at a time + until it seems as though it was a mile long, and the audience stops + talking and eating candy, and just holds its breath, and listens for her + to bite it off, and she wiggles with it, and catches another breath when + it is keeping right on, and it seems so sweet and smooth that you can + almost see angels hovering around up in the roof, and she stands there + with her beautiful eyes shining like stars, and her face wreathed in + smiles, and that little note keeps paying out like a silk fish line with a + four-pound bass running away with the bait, and the audience gets red in + the face for not breathing, and when everybody thinks she is going to keep + on all night, or bust and fill the house with little notes that smell of + violets, she wakes up, raises her voice two or three degrees higher, and + finds a note that is more beautiful still, but which is as rare as the + bloom of a century plant, so rare and radiant that she can't keep it long + without spoiling, and just as you feel like dying in your tracks and + going, to heaven where they sing that way all the time, she shakes that + note into little showers of crystal musical snowflakes, and then raises + her voice one note higher just for a second, and backs away with a low bow + and a sweet smile, and the audience is dumb for a minute, and when it + comes to, and she has almost gone behind the scenes, everybody cheers, and + waves handkerchiefs, and stands up and yells until she comes back and does + it over again, that is technique.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, my girl has got a technique just like that. She can sing the + socks right off of——” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, hold on; don't work any of your slang into this musical discussion. + When you want to know anything about music, or falling in love, or + farming, come to your Uncle Ike. Office hours from 9 a. m. to 4 p. m. No + cure no pay. If you are not satisfied your money will be cheerfully + refunded,” and the old man got an oil can and begun to oil the old + shotgun, while the boy started to sing “Killarney” in a bass voice, and + Uncle Ike drew the gun on him and said: “If you are looking for trouble, + sing in that buzz-saw voice in my presence. I could murder a person that + sang like that.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. + </h2> + <p> + Uncle Ike was leaning over the gate late in the afternoon, waiting for the + red-headed boy and some of his chums to come back from the State fair. He + had gone to the fair with them, and gone around to look at the stock with + them, and had staked them for admission to all the side shows, and when + they had come out of the last side show, and were hungry, he had bought a + mess of hot wiener sausages for them, and while they were eating them + somebody yelled that the balloon was going to go up, and the boys grabbed + their wieners and run across the fair grounds, losing Uncle Ike; and being + tired, and not caring to see a young girl go up a mile in the air, and + come down with a parachute, with a good prospect of flattening herself on + the hard ground, he had concluded to go home before the crowd rushed for + the cars, and here he was at the gate waiting for the boys, saddened + because a pickpocket had taken his watch and a big seal fob that had been + in the family almost a hundred years. As he waited for the boys to come + back he smoked hard, and wondered what a pickpocket wanted to fool an old + man for, a man who would divide his money with any one out of luck, and he + wondered what they could get on that poor old silver watch, that never + kept time that could be relied on, and a tear came to his eye as he + thought of some jeweler melting up that old fob that his father and + grandfather used to wear before him, and he wondered if the boys would guy + him for having his pocket picked, he, who had mixed up with the world for + half a century and never been touched. It was almost dark when the + red-headed boy and his partners in crime, came down the sidewalk, so tired + their shoes interfered, and they stubbed their toes on the holes in the + walk, even. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I s'pose you ducks spent every cent you had and had to walk five + miles from the fair ground,” said Uncle Ike, as he opened the gate and let + them fall inside and drop on the grass, their shoes covered with dust, and + their clothes the same. He invited them in to supper, but the peanuts, the + popcorn, the waffles, the lemonade, the cider and the wieners had been + plenty for them, and it did not seem as though they ever wanted to eat a + mouthful again. + </p> + <p> + “Where is your fob and watch?” said the redheaded boy, as he noticed that + the big stomach of the old man carried no ornament. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I decided this afternoon that it did not become a man of my age to + be wearing gaudy jewelry,” said Uncle Ike, “and hereafter you have got to + take your uncle just as he is, without any ornaments. The watch never did + keep time much, and I have had enough of guessing whether it was 1 o'clock + or 3.” + </p> + <p> + “Never going to wear it any more?” asked the red-headed boy, with a + twinkle in his eye. + </p> + <p> + “No, I guess not,” said Uncle Ike, as he heaved a sigh. + </p> + <p> + “Then I guess we can draw cuts for the old rattle-box,” said the boy, as + he pulled the watch and fob out of his pants pocket. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0022" id="linkimage-0022"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/167.jpg" alt="Where Did You Get That Watch 167 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Here! where did you get that watch?” said Uncle Ike, in excitement. “I + thought a pickpocket on the trolley car got it, and I was hot. Say, that + is one of the best watches in this town. Where did you find it? Did the + police get the man?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, police nothin',” said the boy. “Say, Uncle Ike, you were the easiest + mark on the fair ground. There you stood, looking up at the kites, with + your hands behind your back, like a jay from way back, and I knew somebody + would get your watch; so I just reached up and took it, and left you + standing there. I wanted to teach you a lesson. Don't ever wear your + jewelry at a fair. Here's your old ticker. Sounds as though it had + palpitation of the heart,” and the boy handed it to the old man. + </p> + <p> + “Well, by gum! To think I should live all these years, and go through what + I have, and then have an amateur pickpocket take me for a Reuben, and go + through me! But how did you like the great agricultural display?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I don't know,” said the boy, taking off his shoes and emptying the + sand out. “It seems to me the farmers ought to be encouraged. I wonder how + many hundred dollars it cost to hire that girl to go up in a balloon; and + what good could that exhibition do the farmers? If that girl's parachute + hadn't parachuted at the proper time, and she had come down and been + killed, wouldn't the people have been so horrified they would never go to + another fair, and couldn't the state have been sued for damages for hiring + her to kill herself?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, maybe,” said the old man, winding up his watch a lot ahead, and + holding it to his ears to see if it had heart disease, as the boy had + intimated. “But, you see, people have got to be amused. It has got so + there is not the inspiration in looking at vegetables that there used to + be, and the patchwork quilt does not draw like a house afire. The farmers + are not going to blow in money to exhibit things for a blue ribbon, and + the wealthy people who have fancy stock take the premiums and advertise + their business. Money is paid for exhibits that more properly belong to + the circus and the vaudeville, that ought to be paid in premiums to + farmers who raise things. We hire a balloonist, believing that she will + fall and kill herself before the season is over. We take the chance that + she will kill herself at our fair, but if she does not, and is killed at + some cheap fair, somewhere else, we feel that we are abused, and have been + trifled with. What interested you the most at the fair?” asked the old + man. + </p> + <p> + “The wieners,” said the boys, all at once. And the red-headed boy added: + “When a feller is so hungry his eyes look straight ahead, and he can't + turn them in the sockets, there is nothing like a hot wiener to start + things moving, and the man who invented wieners ought to have a chromo. By + gosh, I am going to bed,” and the boys all started for their resting + places, while Uncle Ike felt of his stomach where the fob rested, and + looked as happy as though he had never been robbed. + </p> + <p> + “Come on, Mr. Train-robber,” said Uncle Ike the next morning, as the boy + showed up in the breakfast room, and the old man held up his hands as he + supposed passengers did when train-robbers attacked a train. “Go through + me, condemn you, and take every last dollar I have got. I have brought you + up to be an honest boy, and you turn out to be a pickpocket, and rob me of + my watch. Oh, I tell you, no old bachelor ever had so much trouble + bringing up a boy as I have. Now, I expect you will graduate in burglary, + bunko, and politics, won't you?” and the old man looked at the laughing + boy with such pride that the boy knew he was only fooling. + </p> + <p> + “No, if I went into burglary and kindred industries, I could never find + such easy marks to practice on as dear old Uncle Ike,” and the boy put his + arms around the old man and asked him what time it was, and the Uncle + grabbed his fob as though he was not sure whether it was there or not. + “Now, let's eat breakfast,” and they sat down together, and Aunt Almira + poured the coffee, while Uncle Ike looked over the morning paper. + </p> + <p> + “You can disband your army, and let them go back to the paths of peace, + for Dreyfus has been pardoned,” said the old man. “I knew that they would + pardon that man.” + </p> + <p> + “Now, wouldn't that kill you,” said the boy, as he sampled two or three + pieces of canteloupe to find one to his taste. “That breaks up my scheme + to fight the French. Uncle Ike, I have about made up my mind to lead a + different life and become a minister, and preach, and go to sociables, and + just have a dandy time. Say, it's a snap to be a minister, and only have + to preach an hour Sunday, and have all the week to go fishing and hunting. + What denomination would you advise me to become a minister of?” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Uncle Ike, as he dropped a few lumps of sugar into his + coffee, and looked at the boy across the table, “from the color of your + hair, and your constant talk about falling in love every time you see a + pretty girl, and the manner in which you take up a collection every time + you see me anywhere, I should say you would make a pretty fair Mormon. + Yes, if I was in your place I would preach Mormonism, as your experience + in taking things out of people's pockets, in the way of watches, would + come handy, and you are so confounded freckled you would have to have + wives sealed to you or they would not stay. A minister has got to be + pretty condemned good-looking, nowadays, to hold a job in a fashionable + church.” + </p> + <p> + “But the minister business is easy, ain't it? They don't have to work, + anyway,” and the boy looked at Uncle Ike as though life expected an + opinion that was sound. + </p> + <p> + “If you took a job preaching,” said the old man, whirling around from the + table, and sitting down in his old armchair, and lighting his pipe, “you + wouldn't have any, soft snap. Do you know anything about what a minister + has to do? Let's take one week out of the life of a regular minister. He + starts in on Monday morning by having a woman call at the parsonage, a + woman dressed poorly, and whose pained face makes his heart ache, and she + tells him a tale of woe, and he goes to his wife and gets a basket of + stuff out of the kitchen to give her, a kitchen not stocked any too well, + and sends her home with immediate relief, and then goes out to hunt up the + relief committee of his church to give the woman permanent relief. He + comes back after a while and finds other callers, some to have him make a + diagnosis of their souls, over which they are worrying, another to have + him help get a son out of the police station, who used to belong to the + Sunday-school, and one man wants him to preach a funeral sermon in the + afternoon. He gets out of the police station in time for the funeral, and + they make him go clear to the cemetery, and stop at the house with the + mourners on the way back, and he gets a cold dinner that night, and has to + call on several sick friends that evening, and one of them is so nearly + gone that he remains with him to the last, and gets home at midnight. The + other days of the week are the same, only more so, and in addition he has + to run a prayer meeting, several society meetings, a sociable, settle a + quarrel in the choir, and bring two members of the church together who + have not spoken to each other for months, attend a ministers' meeting and + map out a plan of campaign against the old boy, run out into the country + to preach a little for a neighboring preacher who is sick, or off on a + vacation, attend a missionary meeting, marry a few couples, and prepare + two sermons for Sunday forenoon and evening, sermons that are new, and on + texts that have not been preached on before. One night in the week he can + get on his slippers and sit in the library, and the other nights he is + running from one place to another to make a lot of other people happier, + and he has more sickness at home than any man in his congregation, and he + works harder than the man who digs in the sewer, and half the time the + people kick on his salary and wonder why he doesn't do more, and say he + looks so dressed up it can't be possible he has much to do, and when he + gets worn down to the bone, and his cheeks are sunken, and his voice + fails, and his step is not so active, they saw him off on to some country + church that never did pay a minister enough to live on, and he never + kicks, but just keeps on praying for them until he kicks the bucket, when + he ought to give them a piece of his mind. How do you like it?” + </p> + <p> + “Say, Uncle Ike, I surrender. I don't want to preach. Where can a man + enlist as a pirate? The pirate business appeals to me,” and the boy got up + and took his golf club to go out. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, you have many qualifications that would come in handy as a pirate, + and I will use my influence to get you into politics, you young heathen,” + and the old man gave the red-headed boy a poke in the ribs with his big + hard thumb, and they separated for the day, the old man to smoke and + dream, and the boy to have fun and get tired and hungry. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX. + </h2> + <p> + Uncle Ike did not get up very early, on account of a little pain in one of + his hind legs, as he expressed it, a rheumatic pain that he had almost + come to believe, as the pension agent had often suggested, was caused by + his service in the army thirty-five years ago. The pension agent, who + desired to have the honor of securing a pension for the old man, had asked + him to try and remember if he was not exposed to a sudden draft, some time + in the army, which might have caused him to take cold, and thus sow the + seeds of rheumatism in his system, which had lain dormant all these years + and finally appeared in his legs. The old man had thought it over, and + remembered hundreds of occasions when he was soaked through with icy + water, and had slept on the wet ground, and gone hungry and taken cold, + but he realized that he had taken no more colds in the army than he had at + home, and he could not see how he could swear that a chill he received + thirty-five years ago could have anything to do with his present aches, + and though he knew thousands of the old boys were receiving pensions, that + were no worse off than he was, he had told the pension agent that he need + not apply for a pension for his pain in the knee. He said he felt that he + might just as well apply for a pension on account of inheriting rheumatism + from an uncle who fought in the Mexican war, and he would wait until the + government did not insist on a veteran having such an abnormal memory + about sneezing during the war, as a basis for pension claims, and when it + got so a pension would come to a soldier by simply looking up his record, + and examining his physical condition, he would take a pension. The old man + had heard a peculiar clicking down in the sitting room, all the morning, + while he was dressing, and he wondered what it was. As he limped into the + sitting room, with his dressing-gown on, and began to round up his shaving + utensils, preparatory to his morning shave, he found the red-headed boy in + his night shirt, sitting at a table with an old telegraph instrument that + looked as though it had been picked out of a scrap-pile, and the boy was + ticking away for dear life, his hair standing on end, his brow corrugated, + and his eyes glaring. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0023" id="linkimage-0023"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/177.jpg" + alt="What Dum Foolishness You Got on Hand Now 177 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “What dum foolishness you got on hand now?” asked the old man, as he set a + cup of hot water on the mantel, and began to mix up the lather. “What you + ticking away on that contrivance for, and looking wise?” + </p> + <p> + “This is a telegraph office,” said the boy, as he stopped operations long + enough to draw his cold bare feet up under him, and pulled his night shirt + down to cover his knees. “I am learning to telegraph, and am going into + training for president of a railroad. Did you see in the papers the other + day that Mr. Earling was elected president of a railroad, and did you know + that he started in as a telegraph operator and a poor boy, with hair the + color of tow? They used to call him Tow-Head.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I read about that,” said Uncle Ike, as he looked in the glass to see + if the lather was all right on his face, and began to strop his razor. “I + knew that boy when he was telegraphing. But he knew what all those sounds + meant. You just keep ticking away, and don't know one tick from another.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I do,” said the boy, as he smashed away at the key. “That long + sound, and the short one, and the one about half as long as the long one—that + spells d-a-m, dam.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, what do you commence your education spelling out cuss words for?” + asked the old man, as he raked the razor down one side of his face, + pulling his mouth around to one side so it looked like the mouth of a + red-horse fish. “Anybody would think you were in training for one of these + railroad superintendents who swear at the men so their hair will stand, + and then swear at them because they don't get their hair cut. The railroad + presidents and general managers nowadays don't swear a blue streak, and + keep the men guessing whether they will get discharged for talking back. + This man Earling never swore a half a string in his life, and in thirty + years of railroading he never spoke a cross word to a living soul, and his + brow was never corrugated as much as yours has been spelling out that word + dam. Got any idea what railroad you will be president of?” and the old man + wiped his razor, stropped it on the palm of his hand, put it in a case, + and went to a washbowl to wash the soap off his face. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I thought I would start in on some narrow-gauge railroad, and work + up gradually for a year or two, and finally take charge of one of those + Eastern roads, where I can have a private car, and travel all over the + country for nothing. As quick as I get this telegraph business down fine I + shall apply for a position of train dispatcher, and then jump right along + up. Uncle Ike, you will never have to pay a cent on my railroad. I will + have a caboose fixed up for you, with guns and dogs, and you can hunt and + fish all your life, with a nigger to cook for you, and a porter to put on + your bait, and another nigger chambermaid to make up your bed, and I will + wire them from the general office to sidetrack you, and pick you up, and + all that.” + </p> + <p> + “Is that so?” said the old man, as he stood rubbing his face with a crash + towel till it shone like a boiled lobster. “You are hurrying your railroad + career mighty fast, and if you are not careful you will replace Chauncey + Depew before you get long pants on. Now, you go get your clothes on and + come to breakfast, and after breakfast I will tell you something.” The boy + dropped the key, after ticking to the imaginary general office not to + disturb him with any messages for half an hour, as he was going to be busy + on an important matter, and he went to his room and soon appeared at the + breakfast table, and after the breakfast was over, and the old man had + lighted his pipe, the boy said: + </p> + <p> + “Now, Uncle Ike, tell me all you know about railroading in one easy + lesson, for I have to go to a directors' meeting at ten, and then we are + going out to look over the right of way,” and the boy ticked off a message + to have his special car ready at eleven-thirty, stocked for a trip over + the line. + </p> + <p> + “I see you are getting well along in your railroad career, and like nine + out of ten boys who want to be railroad men, you are beginning at the + private car instead of the gravel train, issuing general orders instead of + working in the ranks,” and the old man smoked up and thought a long time, + and continued: “The successful railroad man begins at the bottom, and + learns the first lesson well. Do you know how long this man Earling has + been getting where he is today? Thirty-five years. More than the average + age of man. The successful railroad man, if he begins telegraphing, gets + so he can send or receive anything, with his eyes shut, and never makes a + mistake. After a long time he gets a measly country station, where he does + all kinds of work, and he is satisfied. He goes to work to increase the + business of that station, to clean up around the depot, and please all the + customers, as though he was going to live there all his life. He never + thinks he is going to be a high official, but just makes the best of the + present. Some day he is awfully surprised to be given a better station, + and he hates to leave, and maybe sheds a tear as he parts with the friends + he has made there. But he goes to his new place and improves it, and gets + in with a new, pushing class of people, and begins to grow. He maybe works + there ten years, and his work shows so the officials recognize it, and he + never makes a mistake in his telegraphing, and some day they call him into + headquarters during a rush, to help the train dispatcher, and then he has + to move into the city and watch trains on thousands of miles of road, to + see that they don't get together, as train dispatcher. He thinks that + position is good enough, and he hopes they will let him alone in it, but + some day he assists the superintendent, and he is so well posted they are + all surprised. They wonder how that station agent got to knowing all the + men on the road, and how much a train of freight cars weigh, and how many + cents per mile each loaded car earns for the company, and what cars ought + to go to the shops for repairs, and how many new cars will have to be + bought to handle the crops on his division. The 'old man,' as the + president is always called, gets to leaning on this always good-natured, + promoted, station agent, who is so modest he wouldn't offer a suggestion + unless asked his opinion, and when asked gives it so intelligently that + you could set your watch by it, as the boys say. He is always sober, never + sleepy, and whether figuring on the wheat crop of Dakota to a carload, or + wearing rubber boots and dining on sausage and bread for a couple of days + fixing up a washout, he is always calm and smiling, and every man works as + though his own house was afire, till the washout is repaired and the first + train pulls over. When the rich, fat, gouty directors come around, once a + year, to take an account of stock, and see the property at work, they see + the modest man, and by and by he is taken off his feet by a promotion that + almost makes him dizzy. Other railroads see that he is all wool, and they + try to steal him away, but he says he has got used to his old man, and he + knows every spike in the system, and there are gray hairs beginning to + come around his ears, and he guesses he will not go away and have to make + new acquaintances, and he remains with the road where he learned to tick, + as you are ticking, and one day he is at the head of it. But if you + examine into the head of the man who gets up from station agent to + president, you will find that there is brain there and no cut feed. + Another station agent might get the bighead the first time he was + promoted, and they would have to promote him backward, on that account, + but it would be because there was excelsior in his head, instead of brain, + and he would be mad and jealous, and say mean things about those who got + promoted, and stayed promoted. Now, let me give you a pointer. Don't train + for general manager or president of a road. Train for the thing you are + going to get first, whether it is operator or brakeman, and when you have + mastered the details of that place, learn something about the next above. + It is like going up a ladder; you have got to go up one step at a time, + and get your foot on the step so it will stay, then go up another step. If + you attempt to step from the ground to the top of the ladder, you are + going to split your pants from Genesis to Revelations, and come down on + your neck, and show your nakedness to those who have watched you try to + climb too fast, and they will laugh at you. Now, go on with your condum + ticking, but tick out something besides d—a—m, dam,” and the + old man went out to see if there had been any frost the night before, with + an idea that if there was he would shoot a few teal duck, and cure his + rheumatism that way, instead of putting on liniment. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI. + </h2> + <p> + Uncle Ike was out in the front yard in the early morning, in his shirt + sleeves, with no collar on, an old pair of rubber boots to keep the dew + from wetting his feet, and he was helping the Indian summer haze all he + could, by smoking the clay pipe and blowing the smoke up among the red and + yellow leaves of autumn, and as he kicked the beautiful leaves on the lawn + into piles he thought what foolish people they were who claimed last week + that winter had come, because it was a little chilly, when he could have + told them, by half a century's experience, that the most beautiful part of + the year was to come, the Indian summer, the lazy days when you want to + shoot snipe, and eat grapes, and have appendicitis. The red-headed boy + came out yawning, half awake, and raised his arms and stretched until it + seemed that he would break his back. + </p> + <p> + “You remind me of Indian summer,” said the old man, as he stepped on the + boy's bare foot with his soft rubber boot. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I don't know,” said the boy, as he let out a secret school society + yell at some boys across the street, which brought them all over-into the + yard, as though there was a dog fight on. “Uncle Ike, you remind me of + Father Time, after he has been to a barber and got shaved, with your + smooth old laughing face. Why do I remind you of Indian summer?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, your red hair resembles the frosted leaf of the maple tree, your + brown freckles look like the dead and dying leaves of the oak, your + unwashed chalky face looks like the leaves of the ash, your sparkling eyes + like the dewy diamonds on the grass, and your sleepy look as you just come + from your bed makes me think of the hazy atmosphere that the Indians loved + so well. What all you boys around here for so early in the morning, + anyway, disturbing your Uncle Ike when he wants to think?” and he grabbed + half a dozen boys and piled them up in a heap on the grass, and put one of + his big rubber boots on the top one, and held them down, squirming like a + lot of angleworms in a tomato can. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0024" id="linkimage-0024"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/185.jpg" alt="Squirming Like a Lot of Angleworms 185 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The red-headed boy took Uncle Ike by the suspenders and pulled him off the + boys, and then they all grabbed his legs and threw him down and sat on + him, breaking his pipe, and pulling off his rubber boots and making him + yell, “Enough!” before they would let him up, but he laughed and spanked + them with a leg of a rubber boot, and finally they all sat down on the + porch, panting, and Uncle Ike was the youngest boy in the gang, + apparently. + </p> + <p> + “Come to order,” said the red-headed boy, and every boy took off his hat, + and braced back against the side of the house, and Uncle Ike looked on, + wondering what was coming next. “We have met, gentlemen,” said the + red-headed boy, “to make arrangements to nominate Dewey for President. We + have watched the manner in which the people have received him at New York + and Washington; have noticed his modesty and level-headedness, and us + boys, Uncle Ike, have decided that Dewey shall be the next President. If + any person has got anything to say why he should not be President, let him + speak now, or forever after hold his peace. It is up to you, Uncle Ike, + and this assemblage would like to hear a few casual remarks from you, + before breakfast, on this subject. Now, boys, hurrah for Uncle Ike, the + jolliest old scrapper in the business. Now, give the yell, 'Who are we! + who are we! we are the kids for old Dewe-e—siz! boom! yah!'” and the + boys yelled until Uncle Ike had to respond. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you condum heathen can settle more public questions here on this + porch than all the political parties,” said the old man, as he fixed a + broken suspender with a nail, and came up to the boys with one rubber boot + in his hand, and reached for a new pipe on the window sill, loaded it, and + lit it for a talk. “You ought to have better sense than to think of Dewey + placing himself in the hands of the politicians, and going into politics, + where he will have to be cat-hauled by all the disreputable critters in + the country. Look at Grant! When he got out of the war he was just like + Dewey, and would be alive today if he had not got into the hands of the + politicians. Dewey can sit down in Washington as he is, and have more + power for good than any President, and he will be proud of himself and his + country. If he went into politics he would be betrayed, and made + responsible for all the stealing and mistakes of those under him, and in a + little while he would hate himself, and would like to get all the + politicians into a Spanish ship and turn the Olympia loose on them.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, but nobody could say anything against Dewey,” said the red-headed + boy, interrupting Uncle Ike. “All he would have to do would be to appoint + a cabinet of admirals, and give all the other offices to the midshipmen + and jackies, and send army officers abroad as ministers and things. The + people would lynch a man that said anything against Dewey.” + </p> + <p> + “They couldn't say anything against, him, could they?” said Uncle Ike, + pulling on the rubber boot. “Well, you are an amateur in politics. Do you + know what they would do if Dewey were nominated? They would prove that he + murdered a man in Vermont in 1852, in cold blood, and produce the corpse. + They would swear that he was the inventor of the wooden nutmeg, and that + he had six wives living, and that he was in cahoots with Aguinaldo, and + that he didn't sink the Spanish fleet, but that it got waterlogged and + went down without a shot being fired. They would claim that he was the + originator of the process of boiling maple roots and putting the juice + into glucose, and selling it for pure Vermont maple syrup. They would + claim that the reception he received at the hands of the American people + was a put-up job; that he paid all the expenses himself, out of money he + stole from the government, and that all the cheering was done by hired + claquers, who were all promised an office when he was elected. And then if + he was elected, every man that knew him before he went to Manila would + claim to have been the making of him, and want to be in the cabinet, and + every man that has shook hands with him since, would expect the best + office at his disposal, and if they didn't get the offices they would + prove that he was responsible for the embalmed beef scandal, and that he + was in partnership with Capt. Carter in robbing the government, and ought + to be in jail. Oh, you can't tell me anything about politics, and if I + could see Dewey I would tell him to say nothing but 'nixy' to every + proposition to mix him up. Now, all you boys come in to breakfast,” and + the old man tossed the boys toward the dining room door as though they + were footballs. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Uncle Ike, you have punctured our tire again. Every time we get a + scheme to save the country, you come in with your condumed talky-talk, and + throw us in the air. Guess you will have to take the nomination yourself, + and run on a platform of seven words, 'Here's to the boys, God bless + 'em,'” and the red-headed boy got under Uncle Ike's arm, and the gang went + in to breakfast, Uncle Ike trying to argue against being nominated, and + having to go to the White House with a lot of tough boys making life a + burden to him, when he would have to get married, for no President is a + success as a bachelor, as Cleveland found out. As Uncle Ike got the boys + all around the table, he bent his head and reverently asked a blessing—something + he had never done before in the presence of the red-headed boy, and when + the meal was over and the boys had all gone away, except the warm-haired + one, and Uncle Ike had begun to smoke again, the boy said to him: + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, I did not know that you belonged to any church.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don't,” said Uncle Ike, as he got up and looked out of the + window, and blew smoke at a fly that was buzzing on the glass. + </p> + <p> + “Then how could you ask a blessing, and expect that it will be heard? I + supposed a person had to be initiated in a church, and be sworn in, and + given the password, and take the degrees, before he was ordained to ask a + blessing,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “No, that is not necessary,” the old man said. “Now, you haven't got much + religion, and never jined, but you give thanks to the Lord quite often. + When you are happy, and enjoying yourself, and smile and laugh, you are + unconsciously thanking the Ruler for making things so comfortable. All + pleasure is made possible by a higher power, and all you got to do is to + feel grateful, same as you would to me if I gave you a dollar, and there + you are. You just be square, and do business on the golden rule plan, and + you have got a heap more religion than some people who are Matting about + all the time. I just thought I would paralyze you kids by showing you that + I was all wool, and wanted the Lord to keep tab on us, and know that we + appreciated good health, and all that. Now, you go to school, and don't + say anything to that blue-eyed teacher of yours that you have nominated me + for President. I don't want to get girls after me, thinking they will be + mistress of the White House,” and the old man took his gun and went down + into the marsh looking for snipe. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII. + </h2> + <p> + Uncle Ike had been reading the morning paper, as he sat before the grate + fire, in the sitting room, while the red-headed boy was using a slate and + pencil trying to figure out something to make it match the answer as given + in the arithmetic, and having guessed the answer right he was drawing a + picture of Uncle Ike and his pipe, and occasionally wetting his finger in + his mouth and rubbing out some feature of the old man that didn't suit. He + had the old man pictured in a football costume of padded trousers, nose + guard, ear guard, knee pads, and all the different things used in + football, and when he showed the picture to Uncle Ike, that old citizen + sighed, though he looked a bit pleased that he should be the study of so + eminent an artist. Uncle Ike had been reading that there was to be a + football game that afternoon, between the State university and Beloit + college, and he wanted to go like a dog, but he had abused football so + much that he was ashamed to speak of going. + </p> + <p> + “I hope you are not interested in that disreputable game,” said Uncle Ike, + knocking the ashes out of his pipe on the andirons of the fireplace. “I + hope you don't want to go and see respectable boys maimed and killed, and + knocked down and dragged out, and sandbagged, and brained. I have seen a + bull fight in Mexico, but I never want to see anything as bloody as a + football game,” and the old man winked to himself, and filled the pipe. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, what you giving me?” said the boy, jumping up in indignation. + “Football is no worse than the old-fashioned pullaway you used to play. I + am going to see this game through a knothole in the fence I rented from a + boy who has the knothole concession at the baseball park.” + </p> + <p> + “No, you don't,” said Uncle Ike, “you will go in the gate like a + gentleman. No nephew of mine is going to grow up and be a knothole + audience. You get two or three of your chums and come around here about 2 + o'clock, and I will go with you, and stand between you and the sluggers, + and see this game out. I don't want to go, and detest the game, but I will + go to please you,” and the old man looked wise and fatherly. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you don't want to go, like the way the woman kept tavern in + Michigan,” said the boy, as he edged toward the door. + </p> + <p> + “How was it that the woman kept the hotel in Michigan?” he asked, looking + mad. + </p> + <p> + “Like hades,” said the boy, “only the man who told me about it said she + kept tavern like h——l, but I wouldn't say that in the presence + of my dear old uncle,”, and the boy slipped out ahead of a slipper that + was kicked at him by the laughing old man. + </p> + <p> + So in the afternoon Uncle Ike, the red-headed boy and two chums appeared + at the gate, the old man plunked down two dollars with a chuckle, asked if + he could smoke his pipe in there, and was told that he could smoke a + factory chimney if he wanted to, and they went in and got seats on the + bleachers, and as they sat down the old man said it was almost exactly + like the bull ring in Mexico. The boys explained to him that the red + ribbons were university colors and the yellow belonged to Beloit, and he + must choose which side he would root for. As the red matched his flannel + underwear and his flushed face, he said he was for the university, and + then the boys explained the game, about carrying the ball, getting + touchdowns, kicking goal, and half-back and quarter-back, and when the + teams came in and the crowd yelled, Uncle Ike felt hurt, because it made + so much noise, and people acted crazy. Uncle Ike looked the players over, + and he said that big fellow from Beloit was John L. Sullivan in disguise, + and wanted him ruled off. The play began, the ball shot out behind the + crowd, a man grabbed it and started to run, when someone grabbed him by + the legs and he went down, with the whole crowd on top of him. Uncle Ike + raised up on his feet and waved his pipe, and when one of the men did not + get up and they brought water and tried to bring him back to life, he + shouted: “That is murder. I saw that fellow with the black socks strike + him with a hatchet. Police!” but someone behind him yelled to him to sit + down, and the red-headed boy pulled his coat tail, he sat down, and the + game went on, but Uncle Ike was mad, because the dead boy was playing as + lively as anybody. + </p> + <p> + Then a man got the ball and started on a run down the field, with the + whole crowd after him, and finally they got him down and Uncle Ike stood + up again and said: “Stop the game. I saw a fellow trip him up, and pound + him with a billy, and stab him. Say, boys, he's dead, sure. Where's the + police? Ain't there no ambulance here? Kill the umpire!” he shouted, + remembering that he was an old baseball fan. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0025" id="linkimage-0025"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/195.jpg" alt="Where's the Police 195 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Oh, don't worry, Uncle Ike, they are all right,” said the boy, waving a + long piece of red ribbon, as the two bands tried to play a “Hot Time” and + a waltz at the same time. “Now watch the kangaroo kick off,” and as he + kicked the ball the whole length of the field the old man simply sat still + and said: + </p> + <p> + “Gee whiz, but that was a corker. U-rah-u-rah!” and the only way to stop + him was to feed him peanuts. + </p> + <p> + From an enemy of football the old man was rapidly becoming its friend. + When the men came together at first, and went down in a heap, legs flying + in all directions, and noises like heavy blows coming to him, he would + swear he saw a man strike another with a mallet, but later in the game he + said it served the man right, and he ought to have been hit with an ax, + and before the game was over he was so interested that he got down off the + bleachers, leaned over the railing and yelled at the'' combatants to eat + 'em up, and when the game was over he rushed into the field, hugging the + players, and saying that it was the greatest thing that ever was, and + offering to act as one of the bearers to the funeral, if anybody had been + killed, and when the boys got him out of the grounds he took up the whole + sidewalk, waving his ribbons, tied on his cane, shouting the university + yell till he frothed at the mouth, and on the way home he took the boys + into a store and bought them a new football, and insisted that they come + into the front yard and play a game every morning, and offered to have the + shrubbery cut down to give them room. As they got home, and the other boys + had gone away, the red-headed boy said: + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Ike, you have disgraced the whole family. You went to the football + game under protest, a quiet, inoffensive citizen, ostensibly to take care + of us boys, and the first jump out of the box you got crazy, and we had a + terrible time to get you home. I don't suppose you remember what you did + do out there. Do you remember of putting your arm around a strange lady, + and hugging her, and telling her to yell? Her husband is looking for you + with a gun. Do you remember of grabbing a young woman sitting in front of + you, just as they made a touchdown, pulling her head over into your lap, + and patting her cheeks with your great big hands, and telling her she + ought to marry a football player? Her brother is coming up street now with + a baseball club. I suppose you have no recollection of jumping up and + sitting down in the lap of a woman in the seat behind you, throwing your + arms around her, and telling her she was a darling, and squeezing her till + you broke her corset. She says you offered her marriage, and her lawyer + will be here in the morning to find out what you are going to do about it. + I think you better be examined by doctors to see if you are not getting + nutty, and let them send you to a sanitarium,” and the boy sighed, and + looked at the old man as though his heart was broken. + </p> + <p> + “Say, did I do any of those things?” asked Uncle Ike, as he got up and + looked out of the window, and then locked the door, and acted frightened. + “Well, I'll be dumbed! I recollect the woman in front of me, and the one + behind, but I pledge you my word that I did not know that I hugged + anybody. I am willing to apologize, but I'll be condemned if I marry any + of 'em, and I'm not crazy. That confounded game got me all mixed up, and I + may have acted different from what I would ordinarily, but it was not my + intention to propose to any female.” + </p> + <p> + “But say, Uncle Ike, what did you think of the game as a means of building + up muscle, pluck, push, get there, and general usefulness?” asked the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Greatest thing I ever saw,” said Uncle Ike, as he looked out of the + window, to see if any females he might have hugged in his excitement were + out there waiting for him. “Say, I saw young fellows in that game that I + used to know, who would cry if taken across their father's knee, and beg + for mercy, and they would rush into the most dangerous position, and if + knocked silly they would smile, never groan, and suck a swallow of water + out of a sponge, and go in for another knockdown. That game will make men + of the weak boys, and cause them to be afraid of nothing that walks. The + boy who pushes, and tackles, and runs through a wilderness of other boys + who are trying to down him, and get his pigskin away, will become the + pushing business man who will go through the line of business progress, + and make a touchdown in his enterprise, and he will kick a commercial or + professional goal, over the heads of all competitors. Life is only a + football game, after all. Every man in business who is worth his salt is a + pusher, a shover, a tackier, a punter, or half-back, and the unsuccessful + ones are the ones who carry the water to bring the business players to, + when they become overheated, and do the yelling and hurrahing when the + pushing business man in the football game of life makes a touchdown. It is + these rough players that become the rough riders when war comes to the + country, and they rush the ball up San Juan hill in the face of the + Spanish tacklers, and the interference of barbed wire and other things. + War is a football game also, and the recruiting officers are not looking + for the weak sisters who can't push and shove, and fight, and fall over + each other, and when wounded laugh and say it is nothing serious. A + country that has a majority of its boys growing up to fight on the + football field for fun, has no cause to fear any war that may come to it, + for if they will fight like that in good nature, to uphold the colors of + their college, what will they do to uphold 'Old Glory,' which comprises + the dearest colors in all the world? Yes, boy, you can go on playing + football, and if you are injured your Uncle Ike will pay all the expenses, + and sit up nights with you, but you better not take me to any more games, + for the first thing you know I will be bringing home here more wives than + that Utah congressman has got. Now, go rest up, and next week I will take + you to see President McKinley, at the hotel here, and you will see him + throw his arms around me and say, 'Hello, Uncle Ike!' I used to know him + when he wasn't President,” and Uncle Ike dismissed the boy, and sat by the + window till dark, looking out to see if anybody was coming to claim his + hand in marriage, and wondering if he did make as big a fool of himself at + the football game as the boys said he did. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII. + </h2> + <p> + It was Sunday afternoon, and Uncle Ike had been to church with the + red-headed boy, and they had listened to a sermon on patriotism, and the + minister had expressed himself on the subject of the Philippines, and the + duty the President owed to civilization to keep on killing those negroes + until they learned better than to kick at having a strange race of people + boss them around, and Uncle Ike had walked home along the bank of the + lake, and breathed the free air that was his because his ancestors had + conquered it from England, and he couldn't help having a little sympathy + for those Filipinos who had been bought from a country that didn't own + them, by a country that had no use for them, and wished it could get rid + of them honorably, without hurting the political party that was acting as + overseer over them. He didn't want to seem disloyal to a country that he + loved and had fought to preserve, but when he thought of those poor, + ignorant people, trying to learn what freedom meant, and what there was in + it for them, studying the constitution of the United States to find out + how to be good and great, and dodging bullets, he felt as though he wished + he knew just what the Savior of Man would do in the matter if He had been + elected President. He had left the red-headed boy at Sunday-school, and + now they were both back home, waiting for the dinner bell to ring. The boy + was studying some pamphlet he had brought home, and looking mighty + serious. + </p> + <p> + “Any great problem been presented to you at Sunday-school that you are + unable to solve?” said Uncle Ike, as he walked by the boy and tried to + stroke the corrugated lines out of his forehead, and patted him on the + head. “For if there is anything you are in doubt about, all you got to do + is to let your Uncle Ike be umpire, and he will straighten it out for + you.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, awfully,” said the boy, as he dropped his book, walked up to + the old man, and looked him squarely in the face. “You are the man I have + been looking for. Uncle Ike, suppose a man should haul off, without + provocation, and smash you on the side of the face, a regular stinger, + that would jar your head until you could see stars, what would you do?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0026" id="linkimage-0026"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/203.jpg" + alt="I Would Give Him One on the Nose With My Left Hand 203 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Oh, say, that is an easy one,” said the old man, as he filled the pipe + and lighted it, and threw the match in the grate. “Do you know what I + would do? I would give him one on the nose with my left hand, and when he + was off his guard I would paste him one under the ear, or on the point of + the jaw, and then I would stand over him and count ten, and if he came to, + I would give him some more, and when he had got enough, I would say to + him: 'Now, when you feel that way again, and want to enjoy yourself, you + come right to me, for I don't have any too much exercise, anyway.' But why + do you ask? You knew all the time what I would do if a man hit me,” and + the old man walked around the room as though he would like to see someone + hit him. + </p> + <p> + “That's what I feared,” said the boy, as the twinkles played around his + eyes. “You see, among the verses in the Sunday-school lesson was this one, + 'If they smite you on one cheek, turn the other cheek, also,' and I + thought I would like to get the opinion of an expert as to how to go about + it, to turn the other cheek the right way.” + </p> + <p> + “Say, here, you don't take advantage of an old man that way,” said Uncle + Ike, as the boy began laughing. “When you ask questions like that you want + to read the verse first, and give a man a chance. 'Course, if they smite + you on one cheek, you want to do just what the Bible says. Some of you + kids make me tired,” and the old man wished dinner was ready, so they + could change the subject. + </p> + <p> + “I told my teacher I didn't see how a fellow could turn the other cheek, + also, and maintain his standing in society, but she said it was the way to + do, and then the Sunday-school superintendent came along, and she asked + him about it. He belongs to the athletic club of the Y. M. C. A., and I + have seen him box with soft gloves, and he said it was right to turn the + other cheek, but I noticed he smiled, and then the minister visited our + class, and the teacher asked him to impress on us boys the idea of turning + the other cheek. He looked pious, and said you must turn the other cheek + when smote, as it showed a meek and forgiving disposition, but I know the + minister is a boxer, also, and I heard that he almost jarred the head off + a tramp last summer for sassing him, so I am worried as to what it is best + to do, in a case of smoting. The teacher, you know her, the pretty girl + that let you hold her hand so long at the picnic, when you was introduced + to her, and you told her you used to know her mother when she was a girl, + and used to go with her, and all that rot, she told me I better talk it + over with you, Uncle Ike, and see what you thought about it. So you + honestly think it is best for a boy to grow up letting people get in the + habit of smiting, so to see him turn his other cheek, and get another bat + on that cheek, eh? Don't you think a boy that takes that kind of medicine, + without making up a face, ought to say, 'Thank you, ever so much,' and + always wear pinafores, and stay in the kindergarten, and if he ever grows + up and goes into business he better become a he-milliner, or a manicure, + say? It's up to you, now, Uncle Ike, and I am ready to listen, and to + follow your advice, and be a boy or a girl, just as you say, but I don't + know any girl in my set that would let anybody smite her much, without + pulling hair a little, at least.” + </p> + <p> + Uncle Ike had been thinking pretty hard, as the boy talked, had let his + pipe go out, and his face had taken on a serious look, a look also of + pride as he listened to the boy, but he was trying to think how to steer + him right on that turning the other cheek also business. He fumbled for + the tobacco bag, and as he emptied some tobacco into the pipe, his hand + was unsteady, and he spilled a good deal on the floor, and he had to + scratch two or three matches on his pants before he could get one that + wouldn't break off, or go out. Finally he got the pipe lighted, and he + puffed a long time, and looked at himself in the big mirror over the + mantel, to see if he was looking his best, and finally he said: + </p> + <p> + “I'll tell you, my boy, I don't think they are turning the other cheek + also when smote, as much as they used to. The theory is all right, and if + everybody would do so, there would not be any trouble, and all would be + peace. I suppose that verse in the Bible was written when the Jews were + trying to get along without having scraps all the time. There were people + there, Jew-baiters, I suppose, who just laid for them, and knowing them to + be opposed to a fight, they would smash them, and on the advice of leaders + they would turn the other cheek, and go home with a black eye. I don't + suppose I could write a Bible half as good as the old one, but I think if + that verse had been changed a little, so the Jews would have stood up for + their rights, and everlastingly lambasted anybody that came around jarring + them on the cheeks, and been brought up to fight their way through, from + Jerusalem to France, things would have been different. But, as I say, + things have changed a good deal since Bible times. I think, now, if I was + a boy, growing up to take my place in the business world, I might try to + forget that verse, or think of it as we do of the Golden Rule, or the + 'love one another' verse. You may try as hard as you like and you can't + love your neighbor as yourself, unless he, or she, as the case may be, is + a lovable person, and loves back. There can be no arbitrary rules that + will bind you against what you think is right. Suppose your neighbor is a + horsethief, or a liar, who belongs to another political party, and + backbites, and steals your wood, and kicks your dog, and puts up jobs on + you, how you going to love that neighbor as yourself? Two or three + thousand years ago maybe these things would have been all right, when they + didn't have any newspapers, and trolley cars, and there was no business + except selling fish, and no money but coppers. I'll tell you how I shall + bring up my boys, when I have any, and that is to keep their cheeks away + from the smoter who smotes. Be on your guard, and if a boy tries to smite + you on one cheek, you duck, and side-step, and smile at him, and keep your + hands up so if he makes a feint to smite you on one cheek, just stand him + off, and maybe he will think that you are onto his smiting on the cheek + business yourself, and are no chicken, that is going to keep cheeks for + other people to smite, and he may quit, and you can laugh over it, and + consider the incident closed. But if he gets gay, and it seems to be his + day to smite cheeks, and he acts as though he had picked you out for a + soft mark, and rushes in to do you up, if I ever hear of your running, or + putting your hands down, and letting him biff you, one, two, on both + cheeks, and you come home here crying, with the nosebleed, and your eye + blacked, and you haven't done a thing to that cheek smiter, I will warm + your jacket so you will think there is a hornets' nest in it, hear me?” + and the old man looked cross and sassy. “No, sir; you just let him search + for your cheeks, and if he won't quit, you finally give him your left in + the neck, and side-step, and keep out of his way, and if he wants more, + find a place where there is an opening, and jab him until he quits looking + for cheeks to smite, and other cheeks to turn also. I don't know as it is + right, but turning the other cheek also has gone out of style, and nobody + is doing it that has got any gravel in their crop. Don't let me ever catch + you fighting, that is, bringing on a fight, but don't you ever let anybody + use you to practice that verse on, because your minister or your + Sunday-school superintendent wouldn't allow anybody to smite them without + getting hurt.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I like that,” said the boy, getting up and starting for the dining + room. “I will do just as you say, Uncle Ike, and try to avoid trouble. But + what shall I tell that blue-eyed teacher you advised me—the one, you + know, that you was so sweet on at the picnic?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, tell her I told you to try and grow up to be a regular thoroughbred, + like your Uncle Ike, and only turn the other cheek to girls, see! And tell + her I never squeezed anybody's hand at a picnic, unless they commenced it, + by gosh!” and the old man took the red-headed boy in his arms and carried + him bodily into the dining room, and there was a smile on his good old + face that was good to look upon. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV. + </h2> + <p> + Uncle Ike had met with a misfortune that troubled him, and he was smoking + and trying to think of some way to explain the affair. All his life he had + been an all-around sport, and cluck shooting had been his hobby. He had + prided himself that he could ride any boat that an Indian could, and + bragged that he had never got his feet wet in his forty years as a duck + shooter; but this morning he had gone out in a boat, before anybody was up + about the house, and when he was not looking, a wave tipped the boat up on + one side, filled it with water, and had gone down with him before he could + say Jack Robinson, and he had floundered around in mud and water up to his + armpits, singing “A life on the ocean wave,” and yelling for somebody to + come and tie him loose. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0027" id="linkimage-0027"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/211.jpg" alt="A Life on the Ocean Wave 211 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + A neighbor had come with a boat, and dragged him ashore, and he had taken + off his wet clothes, hung them on the fence to dry, put on some dry + clothes, and he was smoking his pipe and wringing the water out of his wet + pants, when the red-headed boy came out to inquire into the marine + disaster. + </p> + <p> + “Getting your washing out pretty early in the morning, Uncle Ike,” said + the boy, as he lifted a wet sweater off the fence, and took some wet + cartridges out of the pockets. “Is it healthy to go in swimming with so + many clothes on? How did this thing happen, anyway?” + </p> + <p> + “Now, don't get gay,” said Uncle Ike, “and I will tell you. It was blowing + a hurricane, and the wind took the boat up in the air about ten feet, and + it dove down head first, and what could I do but get out? A cramp took me + in the leg, and I stood on t'other leg, but I wasn't afraid. I didn't + yell, but just said to a man who was about half a mile away, says I, + 'Kindly assist me to land,' and he took me by the shirt collar and + escorted me to the shore.” + </p> + <p> + “I see,” said the boy; “you whispered to him, when he was half a mile + away, but did not yell for help. Oh, you're a mark, trying to make believe + you are young enough to enjoy sport. Say, you ought to have a shawl strap + on you, so your rescuer can have something to take hold of; and if I were + in your place, I would get the dimensions of Noah's ark, and have one made + to fit me. You better buy your ducks, and stay on land. But now that the + Prodigal Uncle has got back, I am going out to kill a fatted calf, and we + will have a calf banquet. Say, Uncle Ike, did you ever read about the + Prodigal Son? We had it in our Sunday-school lesson last Sunday. They + didn't do a thing to him, did they?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I have read about the Prodigal Son, and I give it to you straight—he + was the greatest chump mentioned in the Bible, and sometimes I think you + are a dead ringer for him!” and the old man laughed at the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I don't know,” said the boy, as he poured some water out of Uncle + Ike's rubber boots, that hung on the fence; “you and Noah size up about + right. If you had been running that ark, you would have spilled the whole + outfit, and nobody ever would have got ashore. But that Prodigal Son makes + me tired. He was a regular jay. He run away from home, and got in with a + terrible crowd, and they pulled his leg for all the money he had. They + steered him up against barrel houses, and filled him with liquor that + would burn a hole in a copper kettle, got him mixed up with queer women, + and he painted the towns red; and when his money was all gone, they kicked + him out with a case of indigestion and a head on him that hurt so he could + not wink without thinking there was an earthquake. Say, Uncle Ike, do you + know that fellow had some sense after all? When he found that all his + new-found friends wanted was his money, and to help him spend it, and that + they shook him when it was gone, he had a right to be disgusted with the + world; and if he had been like some of our present day prodigals, he would + have turned tramp, or held up a train, or stolen a horse and been lynched; + but he just tumbled to himself and took the first job that came along, + herding hogs, but he didn't live high. He worked for his board and + furnished his own husks. Do you know, I can't help thinking the man that + hired Prod. to drive hogs was in a trust, and made all the money there was + in the deal. But he was repaid for all his suffering. When he thought of + the old folks at home, and drew his wages and started back, without + clothes enough on him to wad a gun, thinking maybe they would stick up + their noses and say he smelled bad, and quarantine him, and make him take + a bath, but, instead of doing so, they just fell on his neck and wept, and + set up a calf lunch for him, he must have thought the world was worth + living in. Uncle Ike, were you ever a prodigal son?” and the boy turned + over the wet clothes so the sun would dry the other side. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir, I have been a prodigal son, and every boy who goes away from + home to make his own living is a prodigal son, in a way,” and he and the + boy sat down under a tree, the one to talk and the other to listen. “When + a boy decides to leave the old roof tree at home to go out into the world, + it is most always against the wishes of his parents; but he argues with + them, and finally prevails on them to let him go. It is what he amounts to + after he gets away that makes him either a prodigal or a thoroughbred. If + a boy goes into bad company, and thinks the world is made to spend + unearned money in, instead of to earn money in and save it, it is only a + matter of time when he comes back home a prodigal son, either alive and + needing a doctor and a mother's care, or he comes in a box to be buried, + his father to pay the express charges. On the other hand, if he gets a + job, doing something, anything, masters the business, and becomes a + valuable citizen, maybe in time at the head of his profession or business, + some day he comes home to the old folks, and there are smiles instead of + tears, a brass band instead of the singing by the funeral choir, and he + pays the mortgage on the old homestead, instead of having his father pay + express charges on the remains. That is the difference. All boys can be + prodigals if they have the prodigal bacillus in their systems when they go + out into the world; but if they have the get-there-Eli microbe concealed + in their pajamas when they go away, they can laugh at the traps and nets + that are thrown out to catch them, stand off the alleged friends who try + to induce them to go into the red paint business, use the red liquor to + rub on bruises and strained muscles on the outside, instead of taking it + internally to build fires that never quench. Which kind of a prodigal + nephew you want to be—one who comes home with a suit of clothes and + a bank account, the glow of health on your cheek, and a love of life and + all that goes with it; or a prodigal with a blanket, a haversack full of + husks that the hogs won't eat, all the diseases that are going in the set + you have moved in, and a desire to die on the doorstep of the old home + before they can cook the calf? Which you want to be, boy?” + </p> + <p> + “I'll tell you, Uncle Ike,” said the boy, laying his head in the old man's + lap, as they sat under the tree; “I am going to be the kind of a prodigal + who comes home with the good health, and the money, and the appetite for + calf; and when you are old, Uncle Ike, you sha'n't get wet any more, for I + will buy you a duck boat that can't be tipped over with jackscrews, that + you can't break with an ax, and that has air chambers in both ends, so it + couldn't be sunk if loaded with railroad iron; and I will buy you a pump + gun that will shoot ducks without your aiming it, and you shall have a + picnic as long as you live. That is the kind of prodigal nephew I am going + to be”; and the old man stroked the red hair on the head that lay in his + lap, and the tears stole down his cheeks as he thought what a difference + there was in prodigals. He thought of his own prodigal days, when he went + out from the home roof tree to make his way in the world; how he worked on + a farm from long before daylight in the morning, till all the rest had + gone to bed, and his back ached so he could not sleep; how he jumped the + farm when he found his wages decreased as the work became harder and the + weather colder, and he went into the city and worked at many different + trades, and finally became a printer, and grew up to be an editor, made + money and went back home a grown man, with a moustache that actually had + to be combed; and how the girls that would not speak to him when he was a + dirty, freckled boy, wanted to give parties in his honor, and how he shook + them; and now he regretted, old bachelor that he was, that he had not + allowed them to entertain him, so he might have picked out the best one of + them for his wife; and he sighed, and got up and wrung some more water out + of his wet clothes hanging on the fence, and wondered how in the world he + could have allowed himself to be tipped over in a boat, and if he actually + did make a fool of himself when he was there in the water, wishing he + hadn't gone hunting at all. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Uncle Ike and The Red Headed Boy, by +George W. 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