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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/25487-0.txt b/25487-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..98f59f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/25487-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4873 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa + 1883 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Illustrator: Gean Smith + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25487] +Last Updated: November 22, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + +By Geo. W. Peck + +With Illustrations by Gean Smith. + +Belford, Clarke & Co. - 1883. + +[Illustration: cover] + +[Illustration: frontispiece] + +[Illustration: titlepage] + + + [Transcriber's Note: The variable grammar and punctuation in + this file make it difficult to decide which errors are + archaic usage and which the printer's fault. I have made + corrections only of what appeared obvious printer's errors. + This eBook is taken from the 1883 1st edition.] + + + + +A CARD FROM THE AUTHOR. + + Office of “Peck's Sun,” Milwaukee, Feb., 1883. + + Belford, Clarke & Co.: + + Gents--If you have made up your minds that the world will + cease to move unless these “Bad Boy” articles are given to + the public in book form, why go ahead, and peace to your + ashes. The “Bad Boy” is not a “myth,” though there may be + some stretches of imagination in the articles. The + counterpart of this boy is located in every city, village + and country hamlet throughout the land. He is wide awake, + full of vinegar, and is ready to crawl under the canvas of a + circus or repeat a hundred verses of the New Testament in + Sunday School. He knows where every melon patch in the + neighborhood is located, and at what hours the dog is + chained up. He will tie an oyster can to a dog's tail to + give the dog exercise, or will fight at the drop of the hat + to protect the smaller boy or a school girl. He gets in his + work everywhere there is a fair prospect of fun, and his + heart is easily touched by an appeal in the right way, + though his coat-tail is oftener touched with a boot than his + heart is by kindness. But he shuffles through life until the + time comes for him to make a mark in the world, and then he + buckles on the harness and goes to the front, and becomes + successful, and then those who said he would bring up in + State Prison, remember that he always _was_ a mighty smart + lad, and they never tire of telling of some of his deviltry + when he was a boy, though they thought he was pretty tough + at the time. This book is respectfully dedicated to boys, to + the men who have been boys themselves, to the girls who like + the boys, and to the mothers, bless them, who like both the + boys and the girls, + + Very respectfully, + + GEO. W. PECK, + + + + +CONTENTS. + +CHAPTER I. + +THE BOY WITH A LAME BACK--THE BOY COULDN'T SIT DOWN--A PRACTICAL JOKE ON +THE OLD MAN--A LETTER FROM “DAISY “--GUARDING THE FOUR CORNERS--THE OLD +MAN IS UNUSUALLY GENEROUS--MA ASKS AWKWARD QUESTIONS--THE BOY TALKED TO +WITH A BED SLAT--NO ENCOURAGEMENT FOR A BOY + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE BOY AT WORK AGAIN--THE BEST BOYS FULL OF TRICKS--THE OLD MAN +LAYS DOWN THE LAW ABOUT JOKES--RUBBER HOSE MACARONI--THE OLD MAS's +STRUGGLES--CHEWING VIGOROUSLY BUT IN VAIN--AN INQUEST HELD--REVELRY BY +NIGHT--MUSIC IN THE WOODSHED--“'twas ever thus.” + + +CHAPTER III. + +THE BAD BOY GIVES HIS PA AWAY--PA IS A HARD CITIZEN--DRINKING +SOZODONT--MAKING UP THE SPARE BED--THE MIDNIGHT WAR DANCE--AN +APPOINTMENT BY THE COAL-BIN. + + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE BAD BOY'S FOURTH OF JULY.--PA IS A POINTER, NOT A SETTER--SPECIAL +ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FOURTH OF JULY--A GRAND SUPPLY OF FIREWORKS--THE +EXPLOSION--THE AIR FULL OF PA AND DOG AND ROCKETS--THE NEW HELL--A SCENE +THAT BEGGARS DESCRIPTION. + + +CHAPTER V. + +THE BAD BOY'S MA COMES HOME.--DEVILTRY, ONLY A LITTLE FUN--THE BAD +BOY'S CHUM--A LADY'S WARDROBE IN THE OLD MAN'S ROOM--MA's UNEXPECTED +ARRIVAL--WHERE IS THE HUZZY?--DAMFINO!--THE BAD BOY WANTS TO TRAVEL WITH +A CIRCUS + + +CHAPTER VI. + +HIS PA IS A DARN COWARD--HIS PA HAS BEEN A MAJOR--HOW HE WOULD DEAL WITH +BURGLARS--HIS BRAVERY PUT TO THE TEST--THE ICE REVOLVER--HIS PA BEGINS +TO PRAY--TELLS WHERE THE CHANGE IS--“PLEASE MR. BURGLAR SPARE A POOR +MAN'S LIFE!”--MA WAKES UP--THE BAD BOY AND HIS CHUM RUN--FISH-POLE +SAUCE--MA WOULD MAKE A GOOD CHIEF OF POLICE + + +CHAPTER VII. + +HIS PA GETS A BITE.--“HIS PA GETS TOO MUCH WATER”--THE DOCTOR'S +DISAGREE--HOW TO SPOIL BOYS--HIS PA GOES TO PEWAUKEE IN SEARCH OF HIS +SON--ANXIOUS TO FISH--“STOPER, I'VE GOT A WHALE!”--OVERBOARD--HIS PA IS +SAVED--A DOLLAR FOR HIS PANTS. + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +HE IS TOO HEALTHY--AN EMPTY CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND A BLACK EYE--HE IS +ARRESTED--OCONOMOWOC FOR HEALTH--HIS PA. IS AN OLD MASHER--DANCED TILL +THE COWS CAME HOME--THE GIRL FROM THE SUNNY SOUTH--THE BAD BOY IS SENT +HOME + + +CHAPTER IX. + +HIS PA HAS GOT 'EM AGAIN.--HIS PA IS DRINKING HARD--HE HAS BECOME A +TERROR--A JUMPING DOG----THE OLD MAN IS SHAMEFULLY ASSAULTED--“THIS IS +A HELLISH CLIMATE MY BOY!”--HIS PA SWEARS OFF--HIS MA STILL SNEEZING AT +LAKE SUPERIOR + + +CHAPTER X. + +HIS PA HAS GOT RELIGION--THE BAD BOY GOES TO SUNDAY SCHOOL--PROMISES +REFORMATION--THE OLD MAN ON TRIAL FOR SIX MONTHS--WHAT MA THINKS--ANTS +IN PA'S LIVER-PAD--THE OLD MAN IN CHURCH--RELIGION IS ONE THING, ANTS +ANOTHER + + +CHAPTER XI. + +HIS PA TAKES A TRICK--JAMAICA RUM AND CARDS--THE BAD BOY POSSESSED OF +A DEVIL--THE KIND DEACON--AT PRAYER-MEETING--THE OLD MAN TELLS HIS +EXPERIENCE--THE FLYING CARDS--THE PRAYER-MEETING SUDDENLY CLOSED + + +CHAPTER XII. + +HIS PA GETS PULLED--THE OLD MAN STUDIES THE BIBLE--DANIEL IN THE LIONS' +DEN--THE MULE AND THE MULE'S FATHER--MURDER IN THE THIRD WARD--THE OLD +MAN ARRESTED--THE OLD MAN FANS THE DUST OUT OF HIS SON'S PANTS + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +HIS PA GOES TO THE EXPOSITION--THE BAD BOY ACTS AS GUIDE--THE CIRCUS +STORY--THE OLD MAN WANTS TO SIT DOWN--TRIES TO EAT PANCAKES--DRINKS SOME +MINERAL WATER--THE OLD MAN FALLS IN LOVE WITH A WAX WOMAN--A POLICEMAN +INTERFERES--THE LIGHTS GO OUT--THE GROCERY MAN DON'T WANT A CLERK + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +HIS PA CATCHES ON--TWO DAYS AND NIGHTS IN THE BATHROOM--RELIGION CAKES +THE OLD MAN'S BREAST--THE BAD BOY'S CHUM DRESSED UP AS A GIRL--THE OLD +MAN DELUDED--THE COUPLE START FOR THE COURT HOUSE PARK--HIS MA APPEARS +ON THE SCENE--“IF YOU LOVE ME, KISS ME?”--MA TO THE RESCUE--“I AM DEAD +AM I?”--HIS PA THROWS A CHAIR THROUGH THE TRANSOM + + +CHAPTER XV. + +HIS PA AT THE RE-UNION--THE OLD MAN IN MILITARY SPLENDOR--TELLS HOW HE +MOWED DOWN THE REBELS--“I AND GRANT”--WHAT IS A SUTLER.--TEN DOLLARS FOR +PICKLES!--“LET US HANG HIM!”--THE OLD MAN ON THE RUN--HE STANDS UP TO +SUPPER--THE BAD BOY IS TO DIE AT SUNSET + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +THE BAD BOY IN LOVE--ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN?--NO GETTING TO HEAVEN ON SMALL +POTATOES--THE BAD BOY HAS TO CHEW COBS--MA SAYS IT'S GOOD FOR A BOY +TO BE IN LOVE--LOVE WEAKENS THE BAD BOY--HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO GET +MARRIED?--MAD DOG--NEVER EAT ICE CREAM + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +HIS PA FIGHTS HORNETS--THE OLD MAN LOOKS BAD--THE WOODS OF +WAUWATOSA--THE OLD MAN TAKES A NAP--“HELEN DAMNATION!”--“HELL IS OUT +FOR NOON.”--THE LIVER MEDICINE--ITS WONDERFUL EFFECTS--THE BAD BOY +IS DRUNK--GIVE ME A LEMON!--A SIGHT OF THE COMET!--THE HIRED GIRL'S +RELIGION + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +HIS PA GOES HUNTING--MUTILATED JAW--THE OLD MAN HAS TAKEN TO SWEARING +AGAIN--OUT WEST, DUCK SHOOTING---HIS COAT TAIL SHOT OFF--SHOOTS AT A +WILD GOOSE--THE GUN KICKS!--THROWS A CHAIR AT HIS SON--THE ASTONISHED +SHE-DEACON + + +CHAPTER XIX. + +HIS PA IS “NISHIATED”--ARE YOU A MASON?--NO HARM TO PLAY AT LODGE--WHY +GOATS ARE KEPT IN STABLES--THE BAD BOY GETS THE GOAT UPSTAIRS--THE GRAND +DUMPER DEGREE--KYAN PEPPER ON THE GOAT'S BEARD--“BRING FORTH THE ROYAL +BUMPER”--THE GOAT ON THE RAMPAGE + + +CHAPTER XX. + +HIS GIRL GOES BACK ON HIM. THE GROCERY MAN IS AFRAID--BUT THE BAD BOY IS +A WRECK--“MY GIRL, HAS SHOOK ME!”--THE BAD BOY'S HEART IS BROKEN--STILL +HE ENJOYS A BIT OF FUN--COD LIVER OIL ON THE PANCAKES--THE HIRED GIRLS +MADE VICTIMS--THE BAD BOY VOWS VENGEANCE ON HIS GIRL AND THE TELEGRAPH +MESSENGER + + +CHAPTER XXI. + +HE AND HIS PA IN CHICAGO--NOTHING LIKE TRAVELING TO GIVE TONE--LAUGHING +IN THE WRONG PLACE--A DIABOLICAL PLOT---HIS PA ARRESTED AS A +KIDNAPPER---THE NUMBERS ON THE DOORS CHANGED--THE WRONG ROOM--“NOTHIN' +THE MAZZER WITH ME, PET!”--THE TELL-TALE HAT + + +CHAPTER XXII. + +HIS PA IS DISCOURAGED--“I AIN'T NO JONER!”--THE STORY OF THE ANCIENT +PROPHET--THE SUNDAY SCHOOL FOLKS GO BACK ON THE BAD BOY:--CAGED +CATS--A COMMITTEE MEETING--A REMARKABLE CATASTROPHE!--“THAT BOY BEATS +HELL!”--BASTING THE BAD BOY--THE HOT WATER IN THE SPONGE TRICK + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +HE BECOMES A DRUGGIST--“I HAVE GONE INTO BUSINESS!”---A NEW +ROSE-GERANIUM PERFUME---THE BAD BOY IN A DRUGGIST'S STORE--PRACTICING +ON HIS PA--THE EXPLOSION--THE SEIDLETZ POWDER--HIS PA'S FREQUENT +PAINS--POUNDING INDIA-RUBBER--CURING A WART + + +CHAPTER XXIV. HE QUITS THE DRUG BUSINESS. + +HE HAS DISSOLVED WITH THE DRUGGER--THE OLD LADY AND THE GIN--THE BAD BOY +IGNOMINIOUSLY FIRED--HOW HE DOSED HIS PA'S BRANDY--THE BAD BOY AS “HAWTY +AS A DOOK!”--HE GETS EVEN WITH HIS GIRL---THE BAD BOY WANTS A QUIET +PLACE--THE OLD MAN THREATENS THE PARSON + + +CHAPTER XXV. + +HIS PA KILLS HIM--A GENIUS AT WHISTLING--A FUR-LINED CLOAK A CURE CURE +FOR CONSUMPTION--ANOTHER LETTER SENT TO THE OLD MAN--HE RESOLVES ON +IMMEDIATE PUNISHMENT--THE BLADDER-BUFFER--THE EXPLOSION--A TRAGIC +SCENE--HIS PA VOWS TO REFORM + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + +HIS PA MORTIFIED--SEARCHING FOR SEWER GAS--THE POWERFUL ODOR OF +LIMBURGER CHEESE AT CHURCH--THE AFTER MEETING--FUMIGATING THE HOUSE--THE +BAD BOY RESOLVES TO BOARD AT AN HOTEL. + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +HIS PA BROKE UP--THE BAD BOY DON'T THINK THE GROCER FIT FOR HEAVEN--HE +IS VERY SEVERE ON HIS OLD FRIEND--THE NEED OF A NEW REVISED EDITION--THE +BAD BOY TURNS REVISER--HIS PA REACHES FOR THE POKER--A SPECIAL +PROVIDENCE--THE SLED SLEWED!--HIS PA UNDER THE MULES + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + +HIS PA GOES SKATING--THE BAD BOY CARVES A TURKEY--HIS PA'S FAME AS A +SKATER--THE OLD MAN ESSAYS TO SKATE ON ROLLERS--HIS WILD CAPERS--HE +SPREADS HIMSELF---HOLIDAYS A CONDEMNED NUISANCER--THE BAD BOY'S +CHRISTMAS PRESENTS + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + +HIS PA GOES CALLING--HIS PA STARTS FORTH--A PICTURE OF THE OLD +MAN “FULL”--POLITENESS AT A WINTER PICNIC--ASSAULTED BY +SANDBAGGERS--RESOLVED TO DRINK NO MORE COFFEE--A GIRL FULL OF “AIG NOGG” + + +CHAPTER XXX. + +HIS PA DISSECTED--THE MISERIES OF THE MUMPS--NO PICKLES, THANK +YOU--ONE MORE EFFORT To REFORM THE OLD MAN--THE BAD BOY PLAYS MEDICAL +STUDENT--PROCEEDS TO DISSECT HIS PA--“GENTLEMEN, I AM NOT DEAD!”--SAVED +FROM THE SCALPEL--“NO MORE WHISKY FOR YOU.” + + +CHAPTER XXXI. + +HIS PA JOINS A TEMPERANCE SOCIETY--THE GROCERY MAN SYMPATHISES WITH THE +OLD MAN--WARNS THE BAD BOY THAT HE MAY HAVE A STEP-FATHER!--THE BAD +BOY SCORNS THE IDEA--INTRODUCES HIS PA TO THE GRAND “WORTHY DUKE!”--THE +SOLEMN OATH--THE BRAND PLUCKED FROM THE BURNING + + +CHAPTER XXXII. + +HIS PA'S MARVELOUS ESCAPE--THE GROCERY MAN HAS NO VASELINE--THE OLD +MAN PROVIDES THREE FIRE ESCAPES--ONE OF THE ESCAPES TESTED--HIS PA +SCANDALIZES THE CHURCH--“SHE'S A DARLING!”--WORLDLY MUSIC IN THE COURTS +OF ZION + + +CHAPTER XXXIII. + +HIS PA JOKES HIM--THE BAD BOY CAUGHT AT LAST--HOW TO GROW A +MOUSTACHE--TAR AND CAYENNE PEPPER--THE GROCERY MAN'S FATE IS +SEALED--FATHER AND SON JOIN IN A PRACTICAL JOKE--SOFT SOAP ON THE +STEPS--DOWNFALL OF MINISTERS AND DEACONS--“MA TO THE RESCUE!”--THE BAD +BOY GETS EVEN WITH HIS PA + + +CHAPTER XXXIV. + +HIS PA GETS MAD--A ROOM IN COURT-PLASTER--THE BAD BOY DECLINES BEING +MAULED!--THE OLD MAN GETS A HOT BOX--THE BAD BOY BORROWS A CAT!--THE +BATTLE!--“HELEN BLAZES!”--THE CAT VICTORIOUS!--THE BAD BOY DRAWS THE +LINE AT KINDLING WOOD! + + +CHAPTER XXXV. + +HIS PA AN INVENTOR--THE BAD BOY A MARTYR--THE DOG-COLLAR IN +THE SAUSAGE--A PATENT STOVE--THE PATENT TESTED!--HIS PA A BURNT +OFFERING--EARLY BREAKFAST! + + +CHAPTER XXXVI. + +HIS PA GETS BOXED--PARROT FOR SALE--THE OLD MAN IS DOWN ON THE +GROCER--“A CONTRITE HEART BEATS A BOB-TAILED FLUSH!”--POLLY'S +RESPONSES--CAN A PARROT GO TO HELL?--THE OLD MAN GETS ANOTHER BLACK +EYE--DUFFY HITS FOR KEEPS!--NOTHING LIKE AN OYSTER FOR A BLACK EYE + + + + + +PECK'S BAD BOY. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + THE BOY WITH A LAME BACK--THE BOY COULDN'T SIT DOWN--A + PRACTICAL JOKE ON THE OLD MAN--A LETTER FROM “DAISY”-- + GUARDING THE FOUR CORNERS--THE OLD MAN IS UNUSUALLY + GENEROUS--MA ASKS AWKWARD QUESTIONS--THE BOY TALKED TO WITH + A BED-SLAT--NO ENCOURAGEMENT FOR A BOY! + +A young fellow who is pretty smart on general principles, and who is +always in good humor, went into a store the other morning limping and +seemed to be broke up generally. The proprietor asked him if he wouldn't +sit down, and he said he couldn't very well, as his back was lame. He +seemed discouraged, and the proprietor asked him what was the matter. +“Well,” says he, as he put his hand on his pistol pocket and groaned, +“There is no encouragement for a boy to have any fun nowadays. If a boy +tries to play an innocent joke he gets kicked all over the house.” The +store keeper asked him what had happened to disturb his hilarity. He +said he had played a joke on his father and had been limping ever since. + +“You see, I thought the old man was a little spry. You know he is no +spring chicken yourself; and though his eyes are not what they used to +be, yet he can see a pretty girl further than I can. The other day I +wrote a note in a fine hand and addressed it to him, asking him to meet +me on the corner of Wisconsin and Milwaukee streets, at 7:30 on Saturday +evening, and signed the name of 'Daisy' to it. At supper time Pa he was +all shaved up and had his hair plastered over the bald spot, and he got +on some clean cuffs, and said he was going to the Consistory to initiate +some candidates from the country, and he might not be in till late. He +didn't eat much supper, and hurried off with my umbrella. I winked at +Ma but didn't say anything. At 7:30 I went down town and he was standing +there by the post-office corner, in a dark place. I went by him and +said, “Hello, Pa, what are you doing there?” He said he was waiting for +a man. I went down street and pretty soon I went up on the other corner +by Chapman's and he was standing there. You see, he didn't know what +corner “Daisy” was going to be on, and had to cover all four corners. +I saluted him and asked him if he hadn't found his man yet, and he said +no, the man was a little late. It is a mean boy that won't speak to his +Pa when he sees him standing on a corner, I went up street and I saw +Pa cross over by the drug store in a sort of a hurry, and I could see a +girl going by with a water-proof on, but she skited right along and Pa +looked kind of solemn, the way he does when I ask him for new clothes. +I turned and came back and he was standing there in the doorway, and I +said, “Pa you will catch cold if you stand around waiting for a man. You +go down to the Consistory and let me lay for the man.” Pa said, “never +you mind, you go about your business and I will attend to the man.” + +“Well, when a boy's Pa tells him to never you mind, and looks spunky, my +experience is that a boy wants to go right away from there, and I went +down street. I thought I would cross over and go up the other side, and +see how long he would stay. There was a girl or two going up ahead of +me, and I see a man hurrying across from the drug store to Van Pelt's +corner. It was Pa, and as the girls went along and never looked around +Pa looked mad and stepped into the doorway. It was about eight o'clock +then, and Pa was tired, and I felt sorry for him and I went up to him +and asked him for half a dollar to go to the Academy. I never knew him +to shell out so freely and so quick. He gave me a dollar, and I told him +I would go and get it changed and bring him back the half a dollar, but +he said I needn't mind the change. It is awful mean of a boy that has +always been treated well to play it on his Pa that way, and I felt +ashamed. As I turned the corner and saw him standing there shivering, +waiting for the man, my conscience troubled me, and I told a policeman +to go and tell Pa that “Daisy” had been suddenly taken with worms, and +would not be there that evening. I peeked around the corner and Pa and +the policeman went off to get a drink. I was glad they did cause Pa +needed it, after standing around so long. Well, when I went home the +joke was so good I told Ma about it, and she was mad. I guess she was +mad at me for treating Pa that way. I heard Pa come home about eleven +o'clock, and Ma was real kind to him. She told him to warm his feet, +cause they were just like chunks of ice. Then she asked him how many +they initiated in the Consistory, and he said six, and then she asked +him if they initiated “Daisy” in the Consistory, and pretty soon I heard +Pa snoring. In the morning he took me into the basement, and gave me +the hardest talking to that I over had, with a bed slat. He said he knew +that I wrote, that note all the time, and he thought he would pretend +that he was looking for “Daisy,” just to fool me. It don't look +reasonable that a man would catch epizootic and rheumatism just to fool +his boy, does it? What did he give me the dollar for? Ma and Pa don't +seem to call each other pet any more, and as for me, they both look at +me as though I was a hard citizen. I am going to Missouri to take Jesse +James's place. There is no encouragement for a boy here. Well, good +morning. If Pa comes in here asking for me tell him that you saw an +express wagon going to the morgue with the remains of a pretty boy who +acted as though he died from concussion of a bed slat on Peck's bad boy +on the pistol pocket. That will make Pa feel sorry. O, he has got the +awfulest cold, though.” And the boy limped out to separate a couple of +dogs that were fighting. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + THE BAD BOY AT WORK AGAIN--THE BEST BOYS FULL OF TRICKS--THE + OLD MAN LAYS DOWN THE LAW ABOUT JOKES--RUBBER-HOSE MACARONI-- + THE OLD MAN'S STRUGGLES--CHEWING VIGOROUSLY BUT IN VAIN--AN + INQUEST HELD--REVELRY BY NIGHT--MUSIC IN THE WOODSHED-- + “'TWAS EVER THUS.” + +Of course all boys are not full of tricks, but the best of them are. +That is, those who are the readiest to play innocent jokes, and who are +continually looking for chances to make Rome howl, are the most apt to +turn out to be first-class business men. There is a boy in the Seventh +Ward who is so full of fun that sometimes it makes him ache. He is the +same boy who not long since wrote a note to his father and signed the +name “Daisy” to it, and got the old man to stand on a corner for two +hours waiting for the girl. After that scrape the old man told the boy +that he had no objection to innocent jokes, such as would not bring +reproach upon him, and as long as the boy confined himself to jokes that +would simply cause pleasant laughter, and not cause the finger of scorn +to be pointed at a parent, he would be the last one to kick. So the boy +has been for three weeks trying to think of some innocent joke to play +on his father. The old man is getting a little near sighted, and his +teeth are not as good as they used to be, but the old man will not admit +it. Nothing that anybody can say can make him own up that his eyesight +is failing, or that his teeth are poor, and he would bet a hundred +dollars that he could see as far as ever. The boy knew the failing, +and made up his mind to demonstrate to the old man that he was rapidly +getting off his base.. The old person is very fond of macaroni, and eats +it about three times a week. The other day the boy was in a drug store +and noticed in a show case a lot of small rubber hose, about the size of +sticks of macaroni, such as is used on nursing bottles, and other rubber +utensils. It was white and nice, and the boy's mind was made up at once. +He bought a yard of it, and took it home. When the macaroni was cooked +and ready to be served, he hired the table girl to help him play it +on the old man. They took a pair of shears and cut the rubber hose in +pieces about the same length as the pieces of boiled macaroni, and +put them in a saucer with a little macaroni over the rubber pipes, and +placed the dish at the old man's plate. Well, we suppose if ten thousand +people could have had reserved seats and seen the old man struggle with +the India rubber macaroni, and have seen the boy's struggle to keep +from laughing, they would have had more fun than they would at a circus, +First the old delegate attempted to cut the macaroni into small pieces, +and failing, he remarked that it was not cooked enough. The boy said his +macaroni was cooked too tender, and that his father's teeth were so poor +that he would have to eat soup entirely pretty soon. The old man said, +“Never you mind my teeth, young man,” and decided that he would not +complain of anything again. He took up a couple of pieces of rubber and +one piece of macaroni on a fork and put them in his mouth. The macaroni +dissolved easy enough, and went down perfectly easy, but the flat +macaroni was too much for him. He chewed on it for a minute or two, and +talked about the weather in order that none of the family should see +that he was in trouble, and when he found the macaroni would not down, +he called their attention to something out of the window and took the +rubber slyly from his mouth, and laid it under the edge of his plate. He +was more than half convinced that his teeth were played out, but went on +eating something else for a while, and finally he thought he would just +chance the macaroni once more for luck, and he mowed away another fork +full in his mouth. It was the same old story. He chewed like a seminary +girl chewing gum, and his eyes stuck out and his face became red, and +his wife looked at him as though afraid he was going to die of apoplexy, +and finally the servant girl burst out laughing, and went out of the +room with her apron stuffed in her mouth, and the boy felt as though it +was unhealthy to tarry too long at the table and he went out. + +Left alone with his wife the old man took the rubber macaroni from his +mouth and laid it on his plate, and he and his wife held an inquest +over it. The wife tried to spear it with a fork, but couldn't make any +impression on it, and then she see it was rubber hose, and told the old +man. He was mad and glad, at the same time; glad because he had found +that his teeth where not to blame, and mad because the grocer had sold +him boarding house macaroni. Then the girl came in and was put on the +confessional, and told all, and presently there was a sound of revelry +by night, in the wood shed, and the still, small voice was saying, “O, +Pa, don't! you said you didn't care for innocent jokes. Oh!” And then +the old man, between the strokes of the piece of clap-board would say, +“Feed your father a hose cart next, won't ye. Be firing car springs and +clothes wringers down me next, eh? Put some gravy on a rubber overcoat, +probably, and serve it to me for salad. Try a piece of overshoe, with a +bone in it, for my beefsteak, likely. Give your poor old father a slice +of rubber bib in place of tripe to-morrow, I expect. Boil me a rubber +water bag for apple dumplings, pretty soon, if I don't look out. There! +You go and split the kindling wood.” 'Twas ever thus. A boy cant have +any fun now days. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + THE BAD BOY GIVES HIS PA AWAY--PA IS A HARD CITIZEN-- + DRINKING SOZODONT--MAKING UP THE SPARE BED--THE MIDNIGHT + WAR-DANCE--AN APPOINTMENT BY THE COAL BIN. + +The bad boy's mother was out of town for a week, and when she came home +she found everything topsy turvey. The beds were all mussed up, and +there was not a thing hung up anywhere. She called the bad boy and asked +him what in the deuce had been going on, and he made it pleasant for his +Pa about as follows: + +“Well, Ma, I know I will get killed, but I shall die like a man. When +Pa met you at the depot he looked too innocent for any kind of use, +but he's a hard citizen, and don't you forget it. He hasn't been home +a single night till after eleven o'clock, and he was tired every night, +and he had somebody come home with him.” + +“O, heavens, Hennery,” said the mother, with a sigh, “are you sure about +this?” + +“Sure!” says the bad boy, “I was on to the whole racket. The first +night they came home awful tickled, and I guess they drank some of your +Sozodont, cause they seemed to foam at the mouth. Pa wanted to put his +friend in the spare bed, but there were no sheets on it, and he went to +rumaging around in the drawers for sheets. He got out all the towels and +table-cloths, and, made up the bed with table-cloths, the first night, +and in the morning the visitor kicked because there was a big coffee +stain on the table-cloth sheet. You know that tablecloth you spilled +the coffee on last spring, when Pa scared you by having his whiskers cut +off. O, they raised thunder around the room. Pa took your night-shirt, +you know the one with the lace work all down the front, and put a pillow +in it, and set it on a chair, then took a burned match and marked eyes +and nose on the pillow, and put your bonnet on it, and then they had a +war dance. Pa hurt the bald spot on his head by hitting it against the +gas chandelier, and then he said dammit. Then they throwed pillows at +each other. Pa's friend didn't have any night shirt, and Pa gave his +friend one of your'n, and the friend took that old hoop-skirt in the +closet, the one Pa always steps on when he goes in the close, after a +towel and hurts his bare foot, you know, and put it on under the night +shirt, and they walked around arm in arm. O, it made me tired to see a +man Pa's age act so like a darn fool.” + +“Hennery,” says the mother, with a deep meaning in her voice, “I want to +ask you one question. Did your Pa's friend _wear a dress?_” + +“O, yes,” said the bad boy, coolly, not noticing the pale face of his +Ma, “the friend put on that old blue dress of yours, with the pistol +pocket in front, you know, and pinned a red cloth on for a train, and +they danced the can-can.” + +Just at this point Pa came home to dinner, and the bad boy said, “Pa, I +was just telling Ma what a nice time you had that first night she went +away, with the pillows, and--” + +“Hennery!” says the old gentleman severely, “you are a confounded fool.” + +“Izick,” said the wife more severely, “Why did you bring a female home +with you that night. Have you got no--” + +“O, Ma,” says the bad boy, “it was not a woman. It was young Mr. Brown, +Pa's clerk at the store, you know.” + +“O!” said Mas with a smile and a sigh. + +“Hennery,” said his stern parent, “I want to see you there by the coal +bin for a minute or two. You are the gaul durndest fool I ever see. What +you want to learn the first thing you do is to keep your mouth shut,” + and then they went on with the frugal meal, while Hennery seemed to feel +as though something was coming. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + THE BAD BOY'S FOURTH OF JULY--PA IS A POINTER NOT A SETTER-- + SPECIAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FOURTH OF JULY--A GRAND SUPPLY + OF FIRE WORKS--THE EXPLOSION--THE AIR FULL OF PA AND DOG AND + ROCKETS--THE NEW HELL--A SCENE THAT BEGGARS DESCRIPTION. + +“How long do you think it will be before your father will be able to +come down to the office?” asked the druggist of the bad boy as he was +buying some arnica and court plaster. + +“O, the doc. says he could come down now if he would on some street +where there were no horses to scare,” said the boy as he bought some +gum, “but he says he aint in no hurry to come down till his hair grows +out, and he gets some new clothes made. Say, do you wet this court +plaster and stick it on?” + +The druggist told him how the court plaster worked, and then asked him +if his Pa couldn't ride down town. + +“Ride down? well, I guess nix. He would have to set down if he rode down +town, and Pa is no setter this trip, he is a pointer. That's where the +pinwheel struck him.” + +“Well how did it all happen?” asked the druggist, as he wrapped a yellow +paper over the bottle of arnica, and twisted the ends, and then helped +the boy stick the strip of court plaster on his nose. + +“Nobody knows how it happened but Pa, and when I come near to ask him +about it he feels around his night shirt where his pistol pocket would +be if it was pants he had on, and tells me to leave his sight forever, +and I leave too, quick. You see he is afraid I will get hurt every 4th +of July, and he told me if I wouldn't fire a fire-cracker all day he +would let me get four dollars' worth of nice fire-works and he would +fire them off for me in the evening in the back yard. I promised, and he +gave me the money and I bought a dandy lot of fire-works, and don't you +forget it. I had a lot of rockets and Roman candles, and six pin-wheels, +and a lot of nigger chasers, and some of these cannon fire-crackers, +and torpedoes, and a box of parlor matches. I took them home and put the +package in our big stuffed chair and put a newspaper over them. + +“Pa always takes a nap in that stuffed chair after dinner, and he went +into the sitting room and I heard him driving our poodle dog out of the +chair, and heard him ask the dog what he was a-chewing, and just then +the explosion took place, and we all rushed in there, I tell you what I +honestly think. I think that dog was chewing that box of parlor matches. +This kind that pop so when you step on them. Pa was just going to set +down when the whole air was filled with dog, and Pa, and rockets, and +everything.” + +[Illustration: Air was filled with dog, and Pa, and rockets p023] + +“When I got in there Pa had a sofa pillow trying to put the dog out, and +in the meantime Pa's linen pants were afire. I grabbed a pail of this +indigo water that they had been rinsing clothes with and throwed it on +Pa, or there wouldn't have been a place on him biggern a sixpence that +wasn't burnt, and then he threw a camp chair at me and told me to go +to Gehenna. Ma says that's the new hell they have got up in the +revised edition of the Bible for bad boys. When Pa's pants were out his +coat-tail blazed up and a Roman candle was firing blue and red balls +at his legs, and a rocket got into his white vest. The scene beggared +description, like the Racine fire. A nigger chaser got after Ma and +treed her on top of the sofa, and another one took after a girl that Ma +invited to dinner, and burnt one of her stockings so she had to wear one +of Ma's stockings, a good deal too big for her, home. After things got +a little quiet, and we opened the doors and windows to let out the +smoke and the smell of burnt dog hair, and Pa's whiskers, the big fire +crackers began to go off, and a policeman came to the door and asked +what was the matter, and Pa told him to go along with me to Gehenna, but +I don't want to go with a policeman. It would give me dead away. Well, +there was nobody hurt much but the dog and Pa. I felt awful sorry for +the dog. He hasn't got hair enough to cover hisself. Pa, didn't have +much hair anyway, except by the ears, but he thought a good deal of +his whiskers, cause they wasn't very gray. Say, couldn't you send this +anarchy up to the house? If I go up there Pa will say I am the damest +fool on record. This is the last 4th of July you catch me celebrating. +I am going to work in a glue factory, where nobody will ever come to see +me.” + +And the boy went out to pick up some squib firecrackers, that had failed +to explode, in front of the drug store. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + THE BAD BOY'S MA COMES HOME--NO DEVILTRY ONLY A LITTLE FUN-- + THE BAD BOY'S CHUM--A LADY'S WARDROBE IN THE OLD MAN'S ROOM-- + MA'S UNEXPECTED ARRIVAL--WHERE IS THE HUZZY?--DAMFINO!--THE + BAD BOY WANTS TO TRAVEL WITH A CIRCUS. + +“When is your ma coming back?” asked the grocery man, of the bad boy, as +he found him standing on the sidewalk when the grocery was opened in the +morning, taking some pieces of brick out of his coat tail pockets. + +“O she got back at midnight, last night,” said the boy, as he eat a few +blue berries out of a case. “That's what makes me up so early, Pa has +been kicking at these pieces of brick with his bare feet, and when +I came away he had his toes in his hand and was trying to go back up +stairs on one foot. Pa haint got no sense.” + +“I am afraid you are a terror,” said the grocery man, as he looked at +the innocent face of the boy, “You are always making your parents some +trouble, and it is a wonder to me they don't send you to some reform +school. What deviltry were you up to last night to get kicked this +morning?” + +“No deviltry, just a little fun. You see, Ma went to Chicago to stay a +week, and she got tired, and telegraphed she would be home last night, +and Pa was down town and I forgot to give him the dispatch, and after he +went to bed, me and a chum of mine thought wo would have a 4th of July. + +“You see, my chum has got a sister about as big as Ma, and we hooked some +of her clothes and after P got to snoring we put them in Pa's room. O, +you'd a laffed. We put a pair of number one slippers with blue +stockings, down in front of the rocking chair, beside Pa's boots, and a +red corset on a chair, and my chum's sister's best black silk dress on +another chair, and a hat with a white feather on, on the bureau, and some +frizzes on the gas bracket, and everything we could find that belonged +to a girl in my mum's sister's room. O, we got a red parasol too, and +left it right in the middle of the floor. Well, when I looked at the +lay-out, and heard Pa snoring, I thought I should die. You see, Ma knows +Pa is, a darn good feller, but she is easily excited. My chum slept with +me that night, and when we heard the door bell ring I stuffed a pillow +in my mouth, There was nobody to meet Ma at the depot, and she hired a +hack and came right up. Nobody heard the bell but me, and I had to go +down and let Ma in. She was pretty hot, now you bet, at not being met +at the depot. “Where's your father?” said she, as she began to go up +stairs. + +“I told her I guessed Pa had gone to sleep by this time, but I heard +a good deal of noise in the room about an hour ago, and may be he was +taking a bath. Then I slipped up stairs and looked over the banisters. +Ma said something about heavens and earth, and where is the huzzy, and +a lot of things I couldn't hear, and Pa said damfino and its no such +thing, and the door slammed and they talked for two hours. I s'pose +they finally layed it to me, as they always do, 'cause Pa called me very +early this morning, and when I came down stairs he came out in the hall +and his face was redder'n a beet, and he tried to stab me with his big +toe-nail, and if it hadn't been for these pieces of brick he would have +hurt my feelings. I see they had my chum's sister's clothes all pinned +up in a newspaper, and I s'pose when I go back I shall have to carry +them home, and then she will be down on me. I'll tell you what, I have +got a good notion to take some shoemaker's wax and stick my chum on +my back and travel with a circus as a double headed boy from Borneo. A +fellow could have more fun, and not get kicked all the time.” + +And the boy sampled some strawberries in a case in front of the store +and went down the street whistling for his chum, who was looking out of +an alley to see if the coast was clear. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + HIS PA IS A DARN COWARD--HIS PA HAS BEEN A MAJOR---HOW HE + WOULD DEAL WITH BURGLARS--HIS BRAVERY PUT TO THE TEST--THE + ICE REVOLVER--HIS PA BEGINS TO PRAY--TELLS WHERE THE CHANGE + IS--“PLEASE MR. BURGLAR SPARE A POOR MAN'S LIFE!”--MA WAKES + UP--THE BAD BOY AND HIS CHUM RUN--FISH-POLE SAUCE--MA WOULD + MAKE A GOOD CHIEF OF POLICE. + +“I suppose you think my Pa is a brave man,” said the bad boy to the +grocer, as he was trying a new can opener on a tin biscuit box in the +grocery, while the grocer was putting up some canned goods for the boy, +who said the goods where (sp.) for the folks to use at a picnic, but +which was to be taken out camping by the boy and his chum. + +“O I suppose he is a brave man,” said the grocer, as he charged the +goods to the boy's father. “Your Pa is called a major, and you know at +the time of the reunion he wore a veteran badge, and talked to the boys +about how they suffered during the war.” + +“Suffered nothing,” remarked the boy with a sneer, “unless they suffered +from the peach brandy and leather pies Pa sold them. Pa was a sutler, +that's the kind of a veteran he was, and he is a coward.” + +“What makes you think your Pa is a coward?” asked the grocer, as he saw +the boy slipping some sweet crackers into his pistol pocket. + +“Well, my chum and me tried him last night, and he is so sick this +morning that he can't get up. You see, since the burglars got into +Magie's, Pa has been telling what he would do if the burglars got into +our house. He said he would jump out of bed and knock one senseless with +his fist, and throw the other over the banister. I told my chum Pa was +a coward, and we fixed up like burglars, with masks on, and I had Pa's +long hunting boots on, and we pulled caps down over our eyes, and looked +fit to frighten a policeman. I took Pa's meerschaum pipe case and tied +a little piece of ice over the end the stem goes in, and after Pa and +Ma was asleep we went in the room, and I put the cold muzzle of the ice +revolver to Pa's temple, and when he woke up I told him if he moved a +muscle or said a word I would spatter the wall and the counterpane with +his brains. He closed his eyes and began to pray. Then I stood off and +told him to hold up his hands, and tell me where the valuables was. He +held up his hands, and sat up in bed, and sweat and trembled, and told +us the change was in his left hand pants pocket, and that Ma's money +purse was in the bureau drawer in the cuff box, and my chum went and got +them, Pa shook so the bed fairly squeaked and I told him I was a good +notion to shoot a few holes in him just for fun, and he cried and said +please Mr. Burglar, take all I have got, but spare a poor old man's +life, who never did any harm! Then I told him to lay down on his stomach +and pull the clothes over his head, and stick his feet over the foot +board, and he did it, and I took a shawl strap and was strapping his feet +together, and he was scared, I tell you. It would have been all right +if Ma hadn't woke up. Pa trembled so Ma woke up and thought he had the +ager, and my chum turned up the light to see how much there was in Ma's +purse, and Ma see me, and asked me what I was doing and I told her I +was a burglar, robbing the house. I don't know whether Ma tumbled to the +racket or not, but she threw a pillow at me, and said “get out of +here or I'll take you across my knee,” and she got up and we run. She +followed us to my room, and took Pa's jointed fish pole and mauled us +both until I don't want any more burgling, and my chum says he will +never speak to me again. I didn't think Ma had so much sand. She is +brave as a lion, and Pa is a regular squaw. Pa sent for me to come to +his room this morning, but I ain't well, and am going out to Pewaukee to +camp out till the burglar scare is over. If Pa comes around here talking +about war times, and how he faced the enemy on many a well fought field, +you ask him if he ever threw any burglars down a banister. He is a frod +(sp.), Pa is, but Ma would make a good chief of police, and don't you +let it escape you.” + +And the boy took his canned ham and lobster, and tucking some crackers +inside the bosom of his blue flannel shirt, started for Pewaukee, while +the grocer looked at him as though he was a hard citizen. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + HIS PA GETS A BITE--HIS PA GETS TOO MUCH WATER--THE DOCTOR'S + DISAGREE--HOW TO SPOIL BOYS--HIS PA GOES TO PEWAUKEE IN + SEARCH OF HIS SON--ANXIOUS TO FISH--“STOPER I'VE GOT A + WHALE!”--OVERBOARD--HIS PA IS SAVED--GOES TO CUT A SWITCH-- + A DOLLAR FOR HIS PANTS. + +“So the doctor thinks your Pa has ruptured a blood vessel, eh,” says the +street car driver to the bad boy, as the youngster was playing sweet on +him to get a free ride down town. + +“Well, they don't know. The doctor at Pewaukee said Pa had dropsy, until +he found the water that they wrung out of his pants was lake water, and +there was a doctor on the cars belonging to the Insane Asylum, when we +put Pa on the train, who said from the looks of his face, sort of red +and blue, that it was apoplexy, but a horse doctor that was down at the +depot when we put Pa in the carriage to take him home, said he was off +his feed, and had been taking too much water when he was hot, and got +foundered. O, you can't tell anything about doctors. No two of 'em +guesses alike,” answered the boy, as he turned the brake for the driver +to stop the car for a sister of charity, and then punched the mule with +a fish pole, when the driver was looking back, to see if he couldn't +jerk her off the back step. + +“Well, how did your Pa happen to fall out of the boat? Didn't he know +the lake was wet?” + +“He had a suspicion that it was damp, when his back struck the water, +I think. I'll tell you how it was. When my chum and I run away to +Pewaukee, Ma thought we had gone off to be piruts, and she told Pa it +was a duty he owed to society to go and get us to come back, and be +good. She told him if he would treat me as an equal, and laugh and joke +with me, I wouldn't be so bad. She said kicking and pounding spoiled +more boys than all the Sunday schools. So Pa came out to our camp, about +two miles up the lake from Pewaukee, and he was just as good natured as +though we had never had any trouble at all. We let him stay all night +with us, and gave him a napkin with a red border to sleep on under +a tree, cause there was not blankets enough to go around, and in the +morning I let him have one of the soda crackers I had in my shirt bosom +and he wanted to go fishing with us. He said he would show us how to +fish. So he got a piece of pork rind at a farm house for bait, and put +it on a hook, and we got in an old boat, and my chum rowed and Pa and I +trolled. In swinging the boat around Pa's line got under the boat, and +come right up near me. I don't know what possessed me, but I took hold +of Pa's line and gave it a “yank,” and Pa jumped so quick his hat went +off in the lake.” + +[Illustration: Stoper, says Pa, I've got a whale p034] + +“Stoper,” says Pa, “I've got a whale.” It's mean in a man to call his +chubby faced little boy a whale, but the whale yanked again and Pa began +to pull him in. I hung on, and let the line out a little at a time, just +zackly like a fish, and he pulled, and sweat, and the bald spot on his +head was getting sun burnt, and the line cut my hand, so I wound it +around the oar-lock, and Pa pulled hard enough to tip the boat over. He +thought he had a forty pound musculunger, and he stood up in the boat +and pulled on that oar-lock as hard as he could. I ought not to have +done it, but I loosened the line from the oar-lock, and when it slacked +up Pa went right out over the side of the boat, and struck on his pants, +and split a hole in the water as big as a wash tub. His head went down +under water, and his boot heels hung over in the boat. “What you doin'? +Diving after the fish?” says I as Pa's head came up and he blowed +out the water. I thought Pa belonged to the church, but he said “you +damidyut.” + +“I guess he was talking to the fish. Wall, sir, my chum took hold of Pa's +foot and the collar of his coat and held him in the stern of the boat, +and I paddled the boat to the shore, and Pa crawled out and shook +himself. I never had no ijee a man'-pants could hold so much water. It +was just like when they pull the thing on a street sprinkler. Then Pa +took off his pants and my chum and me took hold of the legs and Pa +took hold of the summer kitchen, and we rung the water out. Pa want so +sociable after that, and he went back in the woods with his knife; +with nothing on but a linen duster and a neck-tie, while his pants were +drying on a tree, to cut a switch, and we hollered to him that a party +of picnicers from Lake Side were coming ashore right where his pants +were, to pic-nic, and Pa he run into the woods. He was afraid there +would be some wimmen in the pic-nic that he knowed, and he coaxed us to +come in the woods where he was, and he said he would give us a dollar +a piece and not be mad any more if we would bring him his pants. We got +his pants, and you ought to see how they was wrinkled when he put them +on. They looked as though they had been ironed with waffle irons. We +went to the depot and came home on a freight train, and Pa sneezed all +the way in the caboose, and I don't think he has ruptured any blood +vessel. Well, I get off here at Mitchell's bank,” and the boy turned the +brake and jumped off without paying his fare. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + HE IS TOO HEALTHY. AN EMPTY CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND A BLACK + EYE--HE IS ARRESTED--OCONOMOWOC FOR HEALTH--HIS PA IS AN OLD + MASHER--DANCED TILL THE COWS CAME HOME--THE GIRL PROM THE + SUNNY SOUTH--THE BAD BOY IS SENT HOME. + +“There, I knew you would get into trouble,” said the grocery man to +the bad boy, as a policeman came along leading him by the ear, the boy +having an empty champagne bottle in one hand, and a black eye. “What has +he been doing Mr. Policeman?” asked the grocery man, as the policeman +halted with the boy in front of the store. + +“Well, I was going by a house up here when this kid opened the door with +a quart bottle of champagne, and he cut the wire and fired the cork at +another boy, and the champagne went all over the sidewalk, and some of +it went on me, and I knew there was something wrong, cause champagne is +to expensive to waste that way, and he said he was running the shebang +and if I would bring him here you would say he was all right. If you say +so I will let him go.” + +The grocery man said he had better let the boy go, as his parents would +not like to have their little pet locked up. So the policeman let go +his ear, and he throwed the empty bottle at a coal wagon, and after the +policeman had brushed the champagne off his coat, and smelled of his +fingers, and started off, the grocery man turned to the boy, who was +peeling a cucumber, and said: + +“Now, what kind of a circus have you been having, and what do you mean +by destroying wine that way! and where are your folks?” + +“Well, I'll tell you. Ma she has got the hay fever and has gone to Lake +Superior to see if she can't stop sneezing, and Saturday Pa said he +and me would go out to Oconomowoc and stay over Sunday, and try and +recuperate our health. Pa said it would be a good joke for me not to +call him Pa, but to act as though I was his younger brother, and we +would have a real nice time. I knowed what he wanted. He is an old +masher, that's what's the matter with him, and he was going to play +himself for a batchelor. O, thunder, I got on to his racket in a minute. +He was introduced to some of the girls and Saturday evening he danced +till the cows come home. At home he is awful fraid of rheumatic, and he +never sweats, or sits in a draft; but the water just poured off'n him, +and he stood in the door and let a girl fan him till I was afraid he +would freeze, and just as he was telling a girl from Tennessee, who was +joking him about being a nold batch, that he was not sure as he could +always hold out a woman hater if he was to be thrown into contact with +the charming ladies of the Sunny South, I pulled his coat and said, +'Pa how do you spose Ma's hay fever is to-night. I'll bet she is just +sneezing the top of her head off.” Wall, sir, you just oughten seen that +girl and Pa. Pa looked at me as if I was a total stranger, and told the +porter if that freckled faced boot-black belonged around the house +he had better be fired out of the ball-room, and the girl said the +disgustin' thing, and just before they fired me I told Pa he had better +look out or he would sweat through his liver pad. + +“I went to bed and Pa staid up till the lights were put out. He was mad +when he came to bed, but he didn't lick me, cause the people in the next +room would hear him, but the next morning he talked to me. He said I +might go back home Sunday night, and he would stay a day or two. He sat +around on the veranda all the afternoon, talking with the girls, and +when he would see me coming along he would look cross. He took a girl +out boat riding, and when I asked him if I couldn't go along, he said +he was afraid I would get drowned, and he said if I went home there +was nothing there too good for me, and so my chum and me got to firing +bottles of champane, and he hit me in the eye with a cork, and I drove +him out doors and was just going to shell his earth works, when the +policeman collared me. Say, what's good for a black eye?” + +The grocery man told him his Pa would cure it when he got home, “What do +you think your Pa's object was in passing himself off for a single man +at Oconomowoc,” asked the grocery man, as he charged up the cucumber to +the boy's father. + +“That's what beats me. Aside from Ma's hay fever she is one of the +healthiest women in this town. O, I suppose he does it for his health, +the way they all do when they go to a summer resort, but it leaves a +boy an orphan, don't it, to have such kitteny parents.” + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + HIS PA HAS GOT 'EM AGAIN! HIS PA IS DRINKING HARD--HE HAS + BECOME A TERROR--A JUMPING DOG--THE OLD MAN IS SHAMEFULLY + ASSAULTED--“THIS IS A HELLISH CLIMATE MY BOY!”--HIS PA + SWEARS OFF--HIS MA STILL SNEEZING AT LAKE SUPERIOR. + +'“If the dogs in our neighborhood hold out I guess I can do something +that all the temperance societies in this town have failed to do,” says +the bad boy to the grocery man, as he cut off a piece of cheese and took +a handful of crackers out of a box. + +“Well for Heaven's sake, what have you been doing now, you little +reprobate,” asked the grocery man, as he went to the desk and charged +the boy's father with a pound and four ounces of cheese and two pounds +of crackers. “If you was my boy and played any of your tricks on me I +would maul the everlasting life out of you. Your father is a cussed fool +that he dont send you to the reform school. The hired girl was over this +morning and says your father is sick, and I should think he would be. +What you done? Poisoned him I suppose.” + +“No, I didn't poison him; I just scared the liver out of him that's +all.” + +“How was it,” asked the groceryman, as he charged up a pound of prunes +to the boy's father. + +“Well, I'll tell you, but if you ever tell Pa I wont trade here any +more. You see, Pa belongs to all the secret societies, and when there is +a grand lodge or anything here, he drinks awfully. There was something +last week, some sort of a leather apron affair, or a sash over the +shoulder, and every night he was out till the next day, and his breath +smelled all the time like in front of a vinegar store, where they keep +yeast. Ever since Ma took her hay fever with her up to Lake Superior, Pa +has been a terror, and I thought something ought to be done. Since that +variegated dog trick was played on him he has been pretty sober till Ma +went away, and I happened to think of a dog a boy in the Third Ward has +got, that will do tricks. He will jump up and take a man's hat off, and +bring a handkerchief, and all that. So I got the boy to come up on our +street, and Monday night, about dark, I got in the house and told +the boy when Pa came along to make the dog take his hat, and to pin a +handkerchief to Pa's coat tail and make the dog take that, and then for +him and the dog to lite out for home. Well, you'd a dide. Pa came up +the street as dignified and important as though he had gone through +bankruptcy, and tried to walk straight, and just as he got near the +door the boy pointed to Pa's hat and said, “Fetch it!” The dog is a big +Newfoundland, but he is a jumper, and don't you forget it. Pa is short +and thick, and when the dog struck him on the shoulder and took his hat +Pa almost fell over, and then he said get out, and he kicked and backed +up toward the step, and then turned around and the boy pointed to the +handkerchief and said, “fetch it,” and the dog gave one bark and went +for it, and got hold of it and a part of Pa's duster, and Pa tried to +climb up the steps on his hands and feet, and the dog pulled the other +way, and it is an old last year's duster anyway, and the whole back +breadth come out, and when I opened the door there Pa stood with the +front of his coat and the sleeves on, but the back was gone, and I +took hold of his arm, and he said, “Get out,” and was going to kick me, +thinking I was a dog, and I told him I was his own little boy, and asked +him if anything was the matter, and he said, “M (hic) atter enough. New +F (hic) lanp dog chawing me last hour'n a half. Why didn't you come +and k (hic) ill'em?” I told Pa there was no dog at all, and he must be +careful of his health or I wouldn't have no Pa at all. He looked at +me and asked me, as he felt for the place where the back of his linen +duster was, what had become of his coat-tail and hat if there was no +dog, and I told him he had probably caught his coat on that barbed wire +fence down street, and he said he saw the dog and a boy just as plain as +could be, and for me to help him up stairs and go for the doctor. I got +him to the bed, and he said, “this is a hellish climate my boy,” and I +went for the doctor. Pa said he wanted to be cauterised, so he wouldn't +go mad. I told the doc. the Joke, and he said he would keep it up, +and he gave Pa some powders, and told him if he drank any more before +Christmas he was a dead man. Pa says it has learned him a lesson and +they can never get any more pizen down him, but don't you give me away, +will you, cause he would go and complain to the police about the dog, +and they would shoot it. Ma will be back as soon as she gets through +sneezing, and I will tell her, and _she_ will give me a cho-meo, cause +she dont like to have Pa drink only between meals. Well, good day. +There's a Italian got a bear that performs in the street, and I am +going to find where he is showing, and feed the bear a cayenne pepper +lozenger, and see him clean out the Pollack settlement. Good bye.” + +And the boy went to look for the bear. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + HIS PA HAS GOT RELIGION--THE BAD BOY GOES TO SUNDAY SCHOOL-- + PROMISES REFORMATION--THE OLD MAN ON TRIAL FOR SIX MONTHS-- + WHAT MA THINKS--ANTS IN PA'S LIVER-PAD--THE OLD MAN IN + CHURCH--RELIGION IS ONE THING--ANTS ANOTHER. + +“Well, that beats the devil,” said the grocery man, as he stood in front +of his grocery and saw the bad boy coming along, on the way home from +Sunday school, with a clean shirt on, and a testament and some dime +novels under his arm. “What has got into you, and what has come over +your Pa. I see he has braced up, and looks pale and solemn. You haven't +converted him have you?” + +“No, Pa has not got religion enough to hurt yet, but he has got the +symptoms. He has joined the church on prowbation, and is trying to be +good so he can get in the church for keeps. He said it was hell living +the way he did, and he has got me to promise to go to Sunday school. He +said if I didn't he would maul me so my skin wouldn't hold water. You +see, Ma said Pa had got to be on trial for six months before he could +get in the church, and if he could get along without swearing and doing +anything bad, he was all right, and we must try him and see if we could +cause him to swear. She said she thought a person, when they was on a +prowbation, ought to be a martyr, and try and overcome all temptations +to do evil, and if Pa could go through six months of our home life, and +not cuss the hinges off the door, he was sure of a glorious immortality +beyond the grave. She said it wouldn't be wrong for me to continue +to play innocent jokes on Pa, and if he took it all right he was a +Christian but if he got a hot box, and flew around mad, he was better +out of church than in it. There he comes now,” said the boy as he got +behind a sign, “and he is pretty hot for a Christian. He is looking for +me. You had ought to have seen him in church this morning. You see, I +commenced the exercises at home after breakfast by putting a piece of +ice in each of Pa's boots, and when he pulled on the boots he yelled +that his feet were all on fire, and we told him that it was nothing but +symptoms of gout, so he left the ice in his boots to melt, and he said +all the morning that he felt as though he had sweat his boots full. +But that was not the worst. You know, Pa he wears a liver-pad. Well, on +Saturday my chum and me was out on the lake shore and we found a nest +of ants, these little red ants, and I got a pop bottle half full of the +ants and took them home. I didn't know what I would do with the ants, +but ants are always handy to have in the house. This morning, when Pa +was dressing for church, I saw his liver-pad on a chair, and noticed a +hole in it, and I thought what a good place it would be for the ants. I +don't know what possessed me, but I took the liver-pad into my room, and +opened the bottle, and put the hole over the mouth of the bottle and +I guess the ants thought there was something to eat in the liver-pad, +cause they all went into it, and they crawled around in the bran and +condition powders inside of it, and I took it back to Pa, and he put +it on under his shirt, and dressed himself, and we went to church. Pa +squirmed a little when the minister was praying, and I guess some of the +ants had come out to view the landscape o'er. When we got up to sing +the hymn Pa kept kicking, as though he was nervous, and he felt down his +neck and looked sort of wild, this way he did when he had the jim-jams. +When we sat down Pa couldn't keep still, and I like to dide when I saw +some of the ants come out of his shirt bosom and go racing around his +white vest. Pa tried to look pious, and resigned, but he couldn't +keep his legs still, and he sweat mor'n a pail full. When the minister +preached about “the worm that never dieth,” Pa reached into his vest and +scratched his ribs, and he looked as though he would give ten dollars if +the minister would get through. Ma she looked at Pa as though she would +bite his head off, but Pa he just squirmed, and acted as though his soul +was on fire. Say, does ants bite, or just crawl around? Well, when the +minister said amen, and prayed the second round, and then said a brother +who was a missionary to the heathen would like to make a few remarks +about the work of the missionaries in Bengal, and take up a collection, +Pa told Ma they would have to excuse _him_, and he lit out for home, +slapping himself on the legs and on the arms and on the back, and he +acted crazy. Ma and me went home, after the heathen got through, +and found Pa in his bed room, with part of his clothes off, and the +liver-pad was on the floor, and Pa was stamping on it with his boots, +and talking offul. + +“What is the matter,” says Ma.. “Don't your religion agree with you?” + +“Religion be dashed,” says Pa, as he kicked the liver pad. “I would +give ten dollars to know how a pint of red ants got into my liver pad. +Religon is one thing, and a million ants walking all over a man, playing +tag, is another. I didn't know the liver pad was loaded. How in Gehenna +did they get in there?” and Pa scowled at Ma as though he would kill +her. + +“'Don't swear dear,” says Ma, as she threw down her hymn book, and took +off her bonnet. “You should be patient. Remember Job was patient, and he +was afflicted with sore boils.” + +“I don't care,” says Pa, as he chased the ants out of his drawers, +“Job never had ants in his liver pad. If he had he would have swore the +shingles off a barn. Here you,” says Pa, speaking to me, “you head off +them ants running under the bureau. If the truth was known I believe +you would be responsible for this outrage.” And Pa looked at me kind of +hard. + +“O, Pa,” says I, with tears in my eyes, “Do you think your little Sunday +school boy would catch ants in a pop bottle on the lake shore, and bring +them home, and put them in the hole of your liver pad, just before you +put it on to go to church? You are to (sp.) bad.” And I shed some tears. +I can shed tears now any time I want to, but it didn't do any good this +time. Pa knew it was me, and while he was looking for the shawl strap I +went to Sunday school, and now I guess he is after me, and I will go and +take a walk down to Bay View. + +The boy moved off as his Pa turned a corner, and the grocery man said, +“Well, that boy beats all I ever saw. If he was mine I would give him +away.” + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + HIS PA TAKES A TRICK--JAMAICA RUM AND CARDS--THE BAD BOY + POSSESSED OF A DEVIL--THE KIND DEACON--AT PRAYER MEETING-- + THE OLD MAN TELLS HIS EXPERIENCE--THE FLYING CARDS--THE + PRAYER MEETING SUDDENLY CLOSED. + +“What is it I hear about your Pa being turned out of prayer meeting +Wednesday night,” asked the grocer of the bad boy, as he came over after +some cantelopes for breakfast, and plugged a couple to see if they were +ripe. + +“He wasn't turned out of prayer meeting at all. The people all went away +and Pa and me was the last ones out of the church. But Pa was mad, and +don't you forget it.” + +“Well, what seemed to be the trouble? Has your Pa become a backslider?” + +“O, no, his flag is still there. But something seems to go wrong. You +see, when we got ready to go to prayer meeting last night. Pa told me to +go up stairs and get him a hankerchief, and to drop a little perfumery +on it, and put it in the tail pocket of his black coat. I did it, but I +guess I got hold of the wrong bottle of fumery. There was a label on the +fumery bottle that said 'Jamaica Rum,' and I thought it was the same as +Bay Rum, and I put on a whole lot. Just afore I put the hankerchief in +Pa's pocket, I noticed a pack of cards on the stand, that Pa used to +play hi lo-jack with Ma evenings when he was so sick he couldn't go down +town, before he got 'ligion, and I wrapped the hankercher around the +pack of cards and put them in his pocket. I don't know what made me do +it, and Pa don't, either, I guess, 'cause he told Ma this morning I was +possessed of a devil. I never owned no devil, but I had a pair of pet +goats onct, and they played hell all around, Pa said. That's what the +devil does, ain't it? Well, I must go home with these melons, or they +won't keep.” + +“But hold on,” says the grocery man as he gave the boy a few rasins with +worms in, that he couldn't sell, to keep him, “what about the prayer +meeting?” + +“O, I like to forgot. Well Pa and me went to prayer meeting, and Ma came +along afterwards with a deakin that is mashed on her, I guess, 'cause he +says she is to be pitted for havin' to go through life yoked to such an +old prize ox as Pa. I heard him tell Ma that, when he was helping her +put on her rubber waterprivilege to go home in the rain the night of the +sociable, and she looked at him just as she does at me when she wants me +to go down to the hair foundry after her switch, and said, “O, you dear +brother,” and all the way home he kept her waterprivilege on by putting +his arm on the small of her back. Ma asked Pa if he didn't think the +deakin was real kind, and Pa said, “yez, dam kind,” but that was afore +he got 'ligion. We sat in a pew, at the prayer meeting, next to Ma and +the deakin, and there was lots of pious folks all round there. After the +preacher had gone to bat, and an old lady had her innings, a praying, +and the singers had got out on first base, Pa was on deck, and the +preacher said they would like to hear from the recent convert, who was +trying to walk in the straight and narrow way, but who found it so hard, +owing to the many crosses he had to bear. Pa knowed it was him that had +to go to bat, and he got up and said he felt it was good to be there. He +said he didn't feel that he was a full sized Christian yet, but he +was getting in his work the best he could. He said at times everything +looked dark to him, and he feared he should falter by the wayside, +but by a firm resolve he kept his eye sot on the future, and if he was +tempted to do wrong he said get thee behind me, Satan, and stuck in +his toe-nails for a pull for the right. He said he was thankful to the +brothers and sisters, particularly the sisters, for all they had done to +make his burden light, and hoped to meet them all in--When Pa got as +far as that he sort of broke down, I spose he was going to say heaven, +though after a few minutes they all thought he wanted to meet them in a +saloon. When his eyes began to leak, Pa put his hand in his tail pocket +for his handkercher, and got hold of it, and gave it a jerk, and out +came the handkercher, and the cards. Well, if he had shuffled them, and +Ma had cut them, and he had dealt six hands, they couldn't have been +dealt any better. They flew into everybody's lap. The deakin that was +with Ma got the jack of spades and three aces and a deuce, and Ma got +some nine spots and a king of hearts, and Ma nearly fainted, cause she +didn't get a better hand, I spose. The preacher got a pair of deuces, +and a queen of hearts, and he looked up at Pa as though it was a +misdeal, and a old woman who sat across the aisle, she only got two +cards, but that was enough. Pa didn't see what he done at first, cause +he had the handkerchief over his eyes, but when he smelled the rum +on it, he took it away, and then he saw everybody discarding, and he +thought he had struck a poker game, and he looked around as though he +was mad cause they didn't deal him a hand. The minister adjourned the +prayer meeting and whispered to Pa, and everybody went out holding their +noses on account of Pa's fumery, and when Pa came home he asked Ma what +he should do to be saved. Ma said she didn't know. The deakin told her +Pa seemed wedded to his idols. Pa said the deakin better run his own +idols, and Pa would run his. I don't know how it is going to turn out, +but Pa says he is going to stick to the church.” + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + HIS PA GETS PULLED. THE OLD MAN STUDIES THE BIBLE--DANIEL IN + THE LION'S DEN--THE MULE AND THE MULE'S FATHER--MURDER IN + THE THIRD WARD--THE OLD MAN ARRESTED--THE OLD MAN FANS THE + DUST OUT OF HIS SON'S PANTS. + +“What was you and your Ma down to the police station for so late last +night?” asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as he kicked a dog away +from a basket of peaches standing on the sidewalk “Your Ma seemed to be +much affected.” + +“That's a family secret. But if you will give me some of those rotton +peaches I will tell you, if you won't ever ask Pa how he came to be +pulled by the police.” + +The grocery man told him to help himself out of the basket that the dog +had been smelling of, and he filled his pockets, and the bosom of his +flannel shirt, and his hat, and said: + +“Well, you know Pa is studying up on the Bible, and he is trying to get +me interested, and he wants me to ask him questions, but if I ask him +any questions that he can't answer, he gets mad. When I asked him about +Daniel in the den of lions, and if he didn't think Dan was traveling +with a show, and had the lions chloroformed, he said I was a scoffer, +and would go to Gehenna. Now I don't want to go to Gehenna just for +wanting to get posted in the show business of old times, do you? When +Pa said Dan was saved from the jaws of the lions because he prayed three +times every day, and had faith, I told him that was just what the duffer +that goes into the lions den in Coup's circus did because I saw him in +the dressing room, when me and my chum got in for carrying water for the +elephant, and he was exhorting with a girl in tights who was going to +ride two horses. Pa said I was mistaken, cause they never prayed in +circus, 'cept the lemonade butchers. I guess I know when I hear a man +pray. Coup's Daniel talked just like a deacon at class meeting, and told +the girl to go to the place where the minister says we will all go if we +don't do different. Pa says it is wicked to speak of Daniel in the same +breath that you speak of a circus, so I am wicked I 'spose. Well, I +couldn't help it and when he wanted me to ask him questions about Elijah +going up in a chariot of fire, I asked him if he believed a chariot like +the ones in the circus, with eight horses, could carry a man right up to +the clouds, and Pa said of course it could. Then I asked him what they +did with the horses after they got up there, or if the chariot kept +running back and forth like a bust to a pic-nic, and whether they +had stalls for the horses and harness-makers to repair harnesses, +and wagon-makers, cause a chariot is liable to run off a wheel, if it +strikes a cloud in turning a corner. Pa said I made him tired. He said +I had no more conception of the beauties of scripture than a mule, and +then I told Pa he couldn't expect a mule to know much unless the mule's +father had brought him up right, and where a mule's father had been a +regular old bummer till he got jim-jams, and only got religon to keep +out of the inebriate asylum, that the little mule was entitled to more +charity for his short comings than the mule's Papa. That seemed to make +Pa mad, and he said the scripture lesson would be continued some other +time, and I might go out and play, and if I wasn't in before nine +o'clock he would come after me and warm my jacket. Well, I was out +playing, and me and my chum heard of the murder in the Third Ward, +and went down there to see the dead and wounded, and it was after ten +o'clock, and Pa was searching for me, and I saw Pa go into an alley, +in his shirt sleves and no hat on, and the police were looking for the +murderer, and I told the policeman that there was a suspicious looking +man in the alley, and the policeman went in there and jumped on his +back, and held him down, and the patrol wagon came, and they loaded Pa +in, and he gnashed his teeth, and said they would pay dearly for this, +and they held his hands and told him not to talk, as he would commit +himself, and they tore off his suspender buttons, and I went home and +told Ma the police had pulled Pa for being in a suspicious place, and +she said she had always been afraid he would come to some bad end, and +we went down to the station and the police let Pa go on promise that he +wouldn't do so again, and we went home and Pa fanned the dust out of +my pants. But he did it in a pious manner, and I can't complain. He was +trying to explain to Ma how it was that he was pulled, when I came away, +and I guess he will make out to square himself. Say, don't these peaches +seem to have a darn queer taste. Well, good bye. I am going down to the +morgue to have some fun.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + HIS PA GOES TO THE EXPOSITION. THE BAD BOY ACTS AS GUIDE-- + THE CIRCUS STORY--THE OLD MAN WANTS TO SIT DOWN--TRIES TO + EAT PANCAKES--DRINKS SOME MINERAL WATER--THE OLD MAN FALLS + IN LOVE WITH A WAX WOMAN--A POLICEMAN INTERFERES--THE LIGHTS + GO OUT--THE GROCERY-MAN DON'T WANT A CLERK. + +“Well, everything seems to be quiet over to your house this week,” says +the groceryman to the bad boy, as the youth was putting his thumb into +some peaches through the mosquito netting over the baskets, to see if +they were soft enough to steal, “I suppose you have let up on the old +man, haven't you?” + +“O, no. We keep it right up. The minister of the church that Pa has +joined says while Pa is on probation it is perfectly proper for us to do +everything to try him, and make him fall from grace. The minister says +if Pa comes out of his six months probation without falling by the +wayside he has got the elements to make the boss christian, and Ma and +me are doing all we can.” + +“What was the doctor at your house for this morning?” asked the +groceryman, “Is your Ma sick?” + +“No, Ma is worth two in the bush. It's Pa that ain't well. He is having +some trouble with his digestion. You see he went to the exposition +with me as guide, and that is enough to ruin any man's digestion. Pa is +near-sighted, and he said he wanted me to go along and show him things. +Well, I never had so much fun since Pa fell out of the boat. First +we went in by the fountain, and Pa never had been in the exposition +building before. Last year he was in Yourip, and he was astonished at +the magnitude of everything. First I made him jump clear across the +aisle there, where the stuffed tigers are, by the fur place. I told him +the keeper was just coming along with some meat to feed the animals, +and when they smelled the meat they just clawed things. He run against a +show-case, and then wanted to go away. + +“He said he traveled with a circus when he was young, and nobody knew the +dangers of fooling around wild animals better than he did. He said once +he fought with seven tigers and two Nubian lions for five hours, with +Mabee's old show. I asked him if that was afore he got religin, and he +said never you mind. He is an old liar, even if he is converted. Ma says +he never was with a circus, and she has known him ever since he wore +short dresses. Wall, you would a dide to see Pa there by the furniture +place, where they have got beautiful beds and chairs. There was one blue +chair under a glass case, all velvet, and a sign was over it, telling +people to keep their hands off. Pa asked me what the sign was, and I +told him it said ladies and gentlemen are requested to sit in the chairs +and try them. Pa climbed over the railing and was just going to sit +down on the glass show case over the chair, when one of the walk-around +fellows, with imitation police hats, took him by the collar and yanked +him back over the railing, and was going to kick Pa's pants. Pa was mad +to have his coat collar pulled up over his head, and have the set of his +coat spoiled, and he was going to sass the man, when I told Pa the man +was a lunatic from the asylum, that was on exhibition, and Pa wanted to +go away from there. He said he didn't know what they wanted to exhibit +lunatics for. We went up stairs to the pancake bazar, where they broil +pancakes out of self rising flour, and put butter and sugar on them and +give them away. Pa said he could eat more pancakes than any man out of +jail, and wanted me to get him some. I took a couple of pancakes +and tore out a piece of the lining of my coat and put it between the +pancakes and handed them to Pa, with a paper around the pancakes. Pa +didn't notice the paper nor the cloth, and it would have made you laff +to see him chew on them. I told him I guessed he didn't have as good +teeth as he used to, and he said never you mind the teeth, and he kept +on until he swallowed the whole business, and he said he guessed he +didn't want any more. He is so sensitive about his teeth that he would +eat a leather apron if anybody told him he couldn't. When the doctor +said Pa's digestion was bad, I told him if he could let Pa swallow a +seamstress or a sewing machine, to sew up the cloth, he would get well, +and the Doc. says I am going to be the death of Pa some day. But I +thought I should split when Pa wanted a drink of water. I asked him if +he would druther have mineral water, and he said he guessed it would +take the strongest kind of mineral water to wash down them pancakes, so +I took him to where the fire extinguishers are, and got him to take +the nozzle of the extinguisher in his mouth, and I turned the faucet. I +don't think he got more than a quart of the stuff out of the saleratus +machine down him, but he rared right up and said he be condamed if +believed that water was ever intended to drink, and he felt as though he +should bust, and just then the man who kicks the big organ struck up and +the building shook, and I guess Pa thought he _had_ busted. The most fun +was when we came along to where the wax woman is. They have got a wax +woman dressed up to kill, and she looks just as natural as if she could +breathe. She had a handkerchief in her hand, and as we came along I told +Pa there was a lady that seemed to know him. Pa is on the mash himself, +and he looked at her and smiled and said good evening, and asked me who +she was. + +“I told him it looked to me like the girl that sings in the choir at our +church, and Pa said corse it is, and he went right in where she was and +said “pretty good show, isn't it,” and put out his hand to shake hands +with her, but the woman who tends the stand came along and thought Pa +was drunk and said “old gentleman I guess you had better get out of +here. This is for ladies only.” + +“Pa said he didn't care nothing about her lady's only, all he wanted was +to converse with an acquaintance, and then one of the policemen came +along and told Pa he had better go down to the saloon where he belonged. +Pa excused himself to the wax woman, and said he would see her later, +and told the policeman if he would come out on the sidewalk he would +knock leven kinds of stuffin out of him. The policeman told him that +would be all right, and I led Pa away. He was offul mad. But it was the +best fun when the lights went out. You see the electric light machine +slipped a cog, or lost its cud, and all of a sudden the lights went out +and it was as dark as a squaw's pocket. Pa wanted to know what made it +so dark, and I told him it was not dark. He said boy don't you fool +me. You see I thought it would be fun to make Pa believe he was struck +blind, so I told him his eyes must be wrong. He said do you mean to +say you can see, and I told him everything was as plain as day, and +I pointed out the different things, and explained them, and walked Pa +along, and acted just as though I could see, and Pa said it had come +at last. He had felt for years as though he would some day lose +his eyesight and now it had come and he said he laid it all to that +condamned mineral water. After a little they lit some of the gas +burners, and Pa said he could see a little, and wanted to go home, and +I took him home. When we got out of the building he began to see things, +and said his eyes were coming around all right. Pa is the easiest man to +fool ever I saw.” + +“Well, I should think he would kill you,” said the grocery man. “Don't +he ever catch on, and find out you have deceived him?” + +“O, sometimes. But about nine times in ten I can get away with him. Say, +don't you want to hire me for a clerk?” + +The grocery man said that he had rather have a spotted hyena, and the +boy stole a melon and went away. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + HIS PA CATCHES OK--TWO DAYS AND NIGHTS IN THE BATH ROOM-- + RELIGION CAKES THE OLD MAN'S BREAST--THE BAD BOY'S CHUM-- + DRESSED UP AS A GIRL--THE OLD MAN DELUDED--THE COUPLE START + FOR THE COURT HOUSE PARK--HIS MA APPEARS ON THE SCENE--“IF + YOU LOVE ME KISS ME”--MA TO THE RESCUE--“I AM DEAD AM I?” + HIS PA THROWS A CHAIR THROUGH THE TRANSOM. + +“Where have you been for a week back,” asked the grocery man of the +bad boy, as the boy pulled the tail board out of the delivery wagon +accidentally and let a couple of bushels of potatoes roll out into the +gutter. “I haven't seen you around here, and you look pale. You haven't +been sick, have you?” + +“No, I have not been sick. Pa locked me up in the bath-room for two days +and two nights, and didn't give me nothing to eat but bread and water. +Since he has got religious he seems to be harder than ever on me. Say, +do you think religion softens a man's heart, or does it give him a caked +breast? I 'spect Pa will burn me at the stake next.” + +The grocery man said that when a man had truly been converted his heart +was softened, and he was always looking for a chance to do good and be +kind to the poor, but if he only had this galvanized religion, this roll +plate piety, or whitewashed reformation, he was liable to be a harder +citizen than before. “What made your Pa lock you up in the bath-room on +bread and water?” he asked. + +“Well,” says the boy, as he eat a couple of salt pickles out of a jar on +the sidewalk, “Pa is not converted enough to hurt him, and I knowed it, +and I thought it would be a good joke to try him and see if he was so +confounded good, so I got my chum to dress up in a suit of his sister's +summer clothes. Well, you wouldn't believe my chum would look so much +like a girl. He would fool the oldest inhabitant. You know how fat he +is. He had to sell his bicycle to a slim fellow that clerks in a store, +cause he didn't want it any more. His neck is just as fat and there are +dimples in it, and with a dress low in the neck, and long at the trail +he looks as tall as my Ma. He busted one of his sister's slippers +getting them on, and her stockings were a good deal too big for him, but +he tucked his drawers down in them and tied a suspender around his leg +above the knee, and they stayed on all right. Well, he looked killin', I +should prevaricate, with his sister's muslin dress on, starched as +stiff as a shirt, and her reception hat with a white feather as big as a +Newfoundland dog's tail. Pa said he had got to go down town to see some +of the old soldiers of his regiment, and I loafed along behind. My chum +met Pa on the corner and asked him where the Lake Shore Park was. “She” + said she was a stranger from Chicago, that her husband had deserted her +and she didn't know but she would jump into the lake. Pa looked in my +chum's eye and sized her up, and said it would be a shame to commit +suicide, and asked if she didn't want to take a walk, My chum said he +should titter, and he took Pa's arm and they walked up to the lake and +back. Well, you may talk about joining the church on probation all you +please, but they get their arm around a girl all the same. Pa hugged my +chum till he says he thought Pa would break his sister's corset all to +pieces, and he squeezed my chum's hand till the ring cut right into his +finger and he has to wear a piece of court plaster on it. They started +for the Court House park, as I told my chum to do, and I went and got +Ma. It was about time for the soldiers to go to the exposition for the +evening bizness, and I told Ma we could go down and see them go by. Ma +just throwed a shawl over her head and we started down through the park. +When we got near Pa and my chum I told Ma it was a shame for so many +people to be sitting around lally-gagging right before folks, and she +said it was disgustin', and then I pointed to my chum who had his head +on Pa's bosom, and Pa was patting my chum on the cheek, while he held +his other arm around his waist, They was on the iron seat, and we came +right up behind them and when Ma saw Pa's bald head I thought she would +bust. She knew his head as quick as she sot eyes on it.” + +[Illustration: Ma appears on the scene p066] + +“My chum asked Pa if he was married, and he said he was a widower, He +said his wife died fourteen years ago, of liver complaint. Well, Ma +shook like a leaf, and I could hear her new teeth rattle just like +chewing strawberries with sand in them. Then my chum put his arms around +Pa's neck and said, “If you love me kiss me in the mouth.” Pa was just +leaning down to kiss my chum when Ma couldn't stand it any longer, and +she went right around in front of them, and she grabbed my chum by the +hair and it all came off, hat and all; and my chum jumped up and Ma +scratched him in the face, and my chum tried to get his hands in his +pants pocket to get his handkerchief to wipe off the blood on his nose, +and Ma she turned on Pa and he turned pale, and then she was going for +my chum again when he said, “O let up on a feller,” and he see she was +mad and he grabbed the hat and hair off the gravel walk and took the +skirt of his sister's dress in his hand and sifted out for home on a +gallop, and Ma took Pa by the elbow and said, “You are a nice old party, +ain't you? I am dead, am I? Died of liver complaint fourteen years ago, +did I? You will find an animated corpse on your hands. Around kissing +spry wimmen out in the night, sir.” When they started home Pa seemed to +be as weak as a cat, and couldn't say a word, and I asked if I could +go to the exposition, and they said I could, I don't know what happened +after they got home, but Pa was setting up for me when I got back and he +wanted to know what I brought Ma down there for, and how I knew he was +there. + +“I thought it would help Pa out of the scrape and so I told him it was +not a girl he was hugging at all, but it was my chum, and he laffed at +first, and told Ma it was not a girl, but Ma said she knew a darn sight +better. She guessed she could tell a girl. + +“Then Pa was mad and he said I was at the bottom of the whole bizness, +and he locked me up, and said I was enough to paralyze a saint. I told +him through the key-hole that a saint that had any sense ought to tell a +boy from a girl, and then he throwed a chair at me through the transom. +The worst of the whole thing is my chum is mad at me cause Ma scratched +him, and he says that lets him out. He don't go into any more schemes +with me. Well, I must be going. Pa is going to have my measure taken +for a raw hide, he says, and I have got to stay at home from the sparing +match and learn my Sunday school lesson.” + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + HIS PA AT THE REUNION. THE OLD MAN IN MILITARY SPLENDOR-- + TELLS HOW HE MOWED DOWN THE REBELS--“I AND GRANT”--WHAT IS A + SUTLER?--TEN DOLLARS FOR PICKELS!--“LET US HANG HIM!”--THE + OLD MAN ON THE RUN--HE STANDS UP TO SUPPER--THE BAD BOY IS + TO DIE AT SUNSET. + +“I saw your Pa wearing a red, white, and blue badge, and a round red +badge, and several other badges, last week, during the reunion,” said +the grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth asked for a piece of +codfish skin to settle coffee with. “He looked like a hero, with his old +black hat, with a gold cord around it.” + +“Yes, he wore all the badges he could get, the first day, but after he +blundered into a place where there were a lot of fellows from his own +regiment, he took off the badges, and he wasn't very numerous around +the boys the rest of the week. But he was lightning on the sham battle,” + says the boy. + +“What was the matter? Didn't the old soldiers treat him well? Didn't +they seem to yearn for his society?” asked the grocery man, as the boy +was making a lunch on some sweet crackers in a tin cannister. + +“Well, they were not very much mashed on Pa. You see, Pa never gets +tired telling us about how he fit in the army. For several years I +didn't know what a sutler was, and when Pa would tell about taking a +musket that a dead soldier had dropped, and going into the thickest of +the light, and fairly mowing down the rebels in swaths the way they cut +hay, I thought he was the greatest man that ever was. Until I was eleven +years old I thought Pa had killed men enough to fill the Forest Home +cemetery. I thought a sutler was something higher than a general, and +Pa used to talk about “I and Grant,” and what Sheridan told him, and how +Sherman marched with him to the sea, and all that kind of rot, until +I wondered why they didn't have pictures of Pa on a white horse, with +epaulets on, and a sword. One day at school I told a boy that my Pa +killed more men than Grant, and the boy said he didn't doubt it, but he +killed them with commissary whiskey. The boy said his Pa was in the same +regiment that my Pa was sutler of, and his Pa said my Pa charged him +five dollars for a canteen of peppersauce and alcohol and called it +whiskey. Then I began to enquire into it, and found out that a sutler +was a sort of liquid peanut stand, and that his rank in the army was +about the same as a chestnut roaster on the sidewalk here at home. It +made me sick, and I never had the same respect for Pa after that. But +Pa, don't care. He thinks he is a hero, and tried to get a pension on +account of losing a piece of his thumb, but when the officers found he +was wounded by the explosion of a can of baked beans, they couldn't give +it to him. Pa was down town when the veterans were here, and I was with +him, and I saw a lot of old soldiers looking at Pa, and I told him they +acted as though they knew him, and he put on his glasses, and said to +one of them, “How are you Bill?” The soldier looked at Pa and called +the other soldiers, and one said, That's the old duffer that sold me the +bottle of brandy peaches at Chickamauga, for three dollars, and they eat +a hole through my stummick. Another said, 'He's the cuss that took ten +dollars out of my pay for pickles that were put up in _aqua fortis_. +Look at the corps badges he has on.' Another said, 'The old whelp! +He charged me fifty cents a pound for onions when I had the scurvy at +Atlanta.' Another said, 'He beat me out of my wages playing draw poker +with a cold deck, and the aces up his sleeve. Let us hang him.' By this +time Pa's nerves got unstrung and began to hurt him, and he said he +wanted to go home, and when we got around the corner he tore off his +badges and threw them in the sewer, and said it was all a man's life was +worth to be a veteran now days. He didn't go down town again till next +day, and when he heard a band playing he would go around a block. But +at the sham battle where there were no veterans hardly, he was all right +with the militia boys, and told them how he did when he was in the army. +I thought it would be fun to see Pa run, and so when one of the cavalry +fellows lost his cap in the charge, and was looking for it, I told the +dragoon that the pussy old man over by the fence had stolen his cap. +That was Pa. Then I told Pa that the soldier on the horse said he was a +rebel, and he was going to kill him. The soldier started after Pa with +his sabre drawn, and Pa started to run, and it was funny you bet.” + +[Illustration: Pa on the run p071] + +“The soldier galloped his horse, and yelled, and Pa put in his best +licks, and run up the track to where there was a board off the fence, +and tried to get through, but he got stuck, and the soldier put the +point of his sabre on Pa's pants and pushed, and Pa got through the +fence and I guess he ran all the way home. At supper time Pa would not +come to the table, but stood up and ate off the side board, and Ma said +Pa's shirt was all bloody, and Pa said mor'n fifty of them cavalry men +charged on him, and he held them at bay as long as he could, and then +retired in good order. This morning a boy told him that I set the +cavalry man onto him, and he made me wear two mouse traps on my ears all +the forenoon, and he says he will kill me at sunset. I ain't going to be +there at sunset, and don't you remember about it. Well, good bye. I +have got to go down to the morgue and see them bring in the man that +was found on the lake shore, and see if the morgue keeper is drunk this +time.” + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + THE BAD BOY IN LOVE--ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN?--NO GETTING TO + HEAVEN ON SMALL POTATOES!--THE BAD BOY HAS TO CHEW COBS--MA + SAYS IT'S GOOD FOR A BOY TO BE IN LOVE--LOVE WEAKENS THE BAD + BOY--HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO GET MARRIED?--MAD DOG!--NEVER + EAT ICE CREAM. + +“Are you a christian?” asked the bad boy of the grocery man, as that +gentleman was placing vegetables out in front of the grocery one +morning. + +“Well, I hope so,” answered the grocery man, “I try to do what is +right, and hope to wear the golden crown when the time comes to close my +books.” + +“Then how is it that you put out a box of great big sweet potatoes, and +when we order some, and they come to the table, they are little bits of +things, not bigger than a radish? Do you expect to get to heaven on such +small potatoes, when you use big ones for a sign?” asked the boy, as he +took out a silk handkerchief and brushed a speck of dust off his nicely +blacked shoes. + +The grocery man blushed and said he did not mean to take any such +advantage of his customers. + +He said it must have been a mistake of the boy that delivers groceries. + +“Then you must hire the boy to make mistakes, for it has been so every +time we have had sweet potatoes for five years,” said the boy. “And +about green corn. You have a few ears stripped down to show how nice and +plump it is, and if we order a dozen ears there are only two that have +got any corn on at all, and Pa and Ma gets them, and the rest of us +have to chew cobs. Do you hope to wear a crown of glory on that kind of +corn?” + +“O, such things will happen,” said the grocery man with a laugh, “But +don't let's talk about heaven. Let's talk about the other place. How's +things over to your house? And say, what's the matter with you. You are +all dressed up, and have got a clean shirt on, and your shoes blacked, +and I notice your pants are not raveled out so at the bottoms of the +legs behind. You are not in love are you?” + +“Well, I should smile,” said the boy, as he looked in a small mirror on +the counter, covered with fly specks. “A girl got mashed on me, and Ma +says it is good for a boy who hasn't got no sister, to be in love with +a girl, and so I kind of tumbled to myself and she don't go no where +without I go with her. I take her to dancing school, and everywhere, +and she loves me like a house afire. Say, was you ever in love? Makes a +fellow feel queer, don't it? Well sir, the first time I went home with +her I put my arm around her, and honest it scared me. It was just like +when you take hold of the handles of a lectric battery, and you can't +let go till the man turns the knob. Honest, I was just as weak as a cat. +I thought she had needles in her belt and was going to take my arm away, +but it was just like it was glued on. I asked her if she felt that way +too, and she said she used to, but it was nothing when you got used to +it. That made me mad. But she is older than me and knows more about it. +When I was going to leave her at the gate, she kissed me, and that was +worse than putting my arm around her. By gosh, I trembled all over just +like I had chills, but I was as warm as toast. She wouldn't let go for +much as a minute, and I was tired as though I had been carrying coal up +stairs.” + +[Illustration: The Bad Boy and his Girl p071] + +“I didn't want to go home at all, but she said it would be the best way +for me to go home, and come again the next day, and the next morning I +went to her house before any of them were up, and her Pa came out to let +the cat in, and I asked him what time his girl got up, and he laffed and +said I had got it bad, and that I had better go home and not be picked +till I got ripe. Say, how much does it cost to get married?” + +“Well, I should say you had got it bad,” said the grocery man, as he set +out a basket of beets. “Your getting in love will be a great thing for +your Pa. You won't have any time to play any more jokes on him.” + +“O, I guess we can find time to keep Pa from being lonesome. Have you +seen him this morning? You ought to have seen him last night. You see, +my chum's Pa has got a setter dog stuffed. It is one that died two years +ago, and he thought a great deal of it, and he had it stuffed, for a +ornament. + +“Well, my chum and me took the dog and put it on our front steps, and +took some cotton and fastened it to the dog's mouth so it looked just +like froth, and we got behind the door and waited for Pa to come home +from the theatre. When Pa started to come up the steps I growled and Pa +looked at the dog and said, “Mad dog, by crimus,” and he started down +the sidewalk, and my chum barked just like a dog, and I “Ki-yi'd” and +growled like a dog that gets licked, and you ought to see Pa run. He +went around in the alley and was going to get in the basement window, +and my chum had a revolver with some blank cartridges, and we went down +in the basement and when Pa was trying to open the window my chum began +to fire towards Pa. Pa hollered that it was only him, and not a burglar, +but after my chum fired four shots Pa run and climbed over the fence, +and then we took the dog home and I stayed with my chum all night, and +this morning Ma said Pa didn't get home till four o'clock and then a +policeman came with him, and Pa talked about mad dogs and being taken +for a burglar and nearly killed, and she said she was afraid Pa had took +to drinking again, and she asked me if I heard any firing of guns, and I +said no, and then she put a wet towel on Pa's head.” + +“You ought to be ashamed,” said the grocery man “How does your Pa like +your being in love with the girl? Does he seem to encourage you in it?” + +“Oh, yes, she was up to our house to borry some tea, and Pa patted her +on the cheek and hugged her and said she was a dear little daisy, and +wanted her to sit in his lap, but when I wanted him to let me have fifty +cents to buy her some ice cream he said that was all nonsense. He said: +“Look at your Ma. Eating ice cream when she was a girl was what injured +her health for life.” I asked Ma about it, and she said Pa never laid +out ten cents for ice cream or any luxury for her in all the five years +he was sparking her. She says he took her to a circus once but he +got free tickets for carrying water for the elephant. She says Pa was +tighter than the bark to a tree. I tell you its going to be different +with me. If there is anything that girl wants she is going to have it if +I have to sell Ma's copper boiler to get the money, What is the use of +having wealth if you hoard it up and don't enjoy it? This family will be +run on different principles after this, you bet. Say, how much are those +yellow wooden pocket combs in the show case? I've a good notion to buy +them for her. How would one of them round mirrors, with a zinc cover, do +for a present for a girl? There's nothing too good for her.” + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + HIS PA FIGHTS HORNETS--THE OLD MAN LOOKS BAD--THE WOODS OF + WAUWATOSA--THE OLD MAN TAKES A NAP--“HELEN DAMNATION”-- + “HELL IS OUT FOR NOON”--THE LIVER MEDICINE--ITS WONDERFUL + EFFECTS--THE BAD BOY IS DRUNK!--GIVE ME A LEMON!--A SIGHT OF + THE COMET!--THE HIRED GIRL'S RELIGION. + +“Go away from here now,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came +into the store and was going to draw some cider out of a barrel into +a pint measure that had flies in it. “Get right out of this place, and +don't let me see you around here until the health officer says you Pa +has got over the small pox. I saw him this morning and his face is all +covered with postules, and they will have him in the pest house before +night. You git,” and he picked up a butter tryer and went for the boy +who took refuge behind a barrel of onions, and held up his hands as +though Jesse James had drawn a bead on him. + +“O, you go and chase yourself. That is not small pox Pa has got. He had +a fight with a nest of hornets,” said the boy. + +“Hornets! Well, I'll be cussed,” remarked the grocery man, as he put up +the butter tryer, and handed the boy a slice of rotten muskmelon. “How +in the world did he get into a nest of hornets? I hope you did not have +anything to do with it.” + +The boy buried his face in the melon, until he looked as though a yellow +gash had been cut from his mouth to his ears, and after swallowing +the melon, he said: “Well, Pa says I was responsible, and he says that +settles it, and I can go my way and he will go his. He said he was +willing to overlook everything I had done to make his life unbearable, +but steering him onto a nest of hornets, and then getting drunk, was too +much, and I can go.” + +“What, you haven't been drunk,” says the grocery man, “Great heavens, +that will kill your poor old father.” + +“O, I guess it won't kill him very much. He has been getting drunk for +twenty years, and he says he is healthier to-day than he ever was, since +his liver has got to working again. You see, Monday was a regular Indian +summer day, and Pa said he would take me and my chum out in the woods +to gather hickory nuts, if we would be good. I said I would, and my +chum said he would, and we got a couple of bags and went away out to +Wauwatosa, in the woods. We clubbed the trees and got more nuts than +anybody, and had a lunch, and Pa was just enjoying his relidgin first +rate. While Pa was taking a nap under a tree, my chum and me looked +around and found a hornets' nest on the lower limb of the tree we were +sitting under, and my chum said it would be a good joke to get a pole +and run it into the hornet's nest, and then run. Honest, I didn't think +about Pa being under the tree, and I went into a field and got a hop +pole, and put the small end up into the nest, and gouged the nest a +couple of times, and when the boss hornet came out of the hole and +looked sassy, and then looked back in the hole and whistled to the other +hornets to come out and have a circus, and they began to come out, my +chum and me run and climbed over a fence, and got behind a pile of hop +poles that was stacked up.” + +[Illustration: Helen Damnation p079] + +“I guess the hornets saw my Pa just as quick as they got out of the nest, +cause pretty soon we heard Pa call to 'Helen Damnation,' or some woman +we didn't know, and then he took his coat, that he had been using for a +pillow, and whipped around, and he slapped hisself on the shoulders, +and then took the lunch basket and pounded around like he was crazy, and +bime-by he started on a run towards town, holding his pants up, cause +his suspenders was hanging down on his hips, and I never see a fat man +run so, and fan himself with a basket. We could hear him yell, 'come on, +boys. Hell is out for noon,' and he went over a hill, and we didn't see +him any more. We waited till near dark because we was afraid to go after +the bags of nuts till the hornets had gone to bed, and then we came +home. The bags were awful heavy, and I think it was real mean in Pa to +go off and leave us, and not help carry the bags.” + +“I swan,” says the grocery man, “You are too mean to live. But what +about your getting drunk?” + +“O, I was going to tell you. Pa had a bottle of liver medicine in his +coat pocket, and when he was whipping his hornets the bottle dropped +out, and I picked it up to carry it home to him. My chum wanted to smell +of the liver medicine, so he took out the cork and it smelled just like +in front of a liquor store on East Water street, and my chum said his +liver was bad, too, and he took a swaller, and he said he should think +it was enough to cut a feller's liver up in slices, but it was good, and +then I had a peculiar feeling in my liver, and my chum said his liver +felt better after he took a swaller, and and so I took a swaller, and it +was the offulest liver remedy I ever tasted. It scorched my throat +just like the diptheria, but it beats diptheria, or sore throat, all to +pieces, and my chum and me laffed, we was so tickled. Did you ever take +liver medicine? You know how it makes you feel as if your liver had got +on top of your lights, and like you wanted to jump and holler. Well, +sir, honest that liver medicine made me dance a jig on the viaduct +bridge, and an old soldier from the soldiers' home came along and asked +us what was the matter, and we told him about our livers, and the liver +medicine, and showed him the bottle, and he said he sposed he had the +worst liver in the world, and said the doctors at the home, couldn't +cure him. It's a mean boy that won't help a nold vetran cure his liver, +so I told him to try Pa's liver remedy, and he took a regular cow +swaller, and said, 'here's to your livers, boys.' He must have a liver +bigger nor a cow's, and I guess it is better now. + +“Then my liver begun to feel curus again, and my chum said his liver +was getting torpid some more, and we both took another dose, and started +home and we got generous, and give our nuts all away to some boys. Say, +does liver medicine make a feller give away all he has got? We kept +taking medicine every five blocks, and we locked arms and went down a +back street and sung 'O it is a glorious thing to be a pirut king,' and +when we got home my heart felt bigger nor a washtub and I thought p'raps +my liver had gone to my head, and Pa came to the door with his face +tied up in towels, and some yellow stuff on the towels that smelted like +anarchy, and I slapped him on the shoulder and shouted, 'Hello, Gov., +how's your liver,' and gave him the bottle, and it was empty, and +he asked me if we had been drinking that medicine and he said he was +ruined, and I told him he could get some more down to the saloon, and he +took hold of my collar and I lammed him in the ear, and he bounced me +up stairs, and then I turned pale, and had cramps, and I didn't remember +any more till I woke up and the doctor was over me, and Pa and Ma +looked scared, and the Doc. had a tin thing like you draw water out of +a country cistern, only smaller, and Ma said if it hadn't been for the +stomach pump she wouldn't have had any little boy, and I looked at the +knobs on Pa's face and I laffed and asked Pa if he got into the hornets, +too. Then the Doc. laffed, and Ma cried, and Pa swore, and I groaned, +and got sick again, and then they let me go to sleep again, and this +morning I had the offulest headache, and Pa's face looks like he had +fell on a picket fence. When I got out I went to my chum's house to see +if they had got him pumped out, and his Ma drove me out with a broom, +and she says I will ruin every boy in the neighborhood. Pa says I was +drunk and kicked him in the groin when he fired me up stairs, and I +asked him how I could be drunk just taking medicine for my liver, and +he said go to the devil, and I came over here. Say, give me a lemon to +settle my stomach.” + +“But, look-a-here,” says the grocery man, as he gave the boy a little +dried up lemon, about as big as a prune, and told him he was a terror, +“what is the matter of your eye winkers and your hair? They seem to be +burned off.” + +“O, thunder, didn't Pa tell you about the comet exploding and burning +us all? That was the worst thing since the flood, when Noar run the +excursion boat from Kalamazoo to Mount Ararat. You see we had been +reading about the comet, which is visible at four o'clock in the +morning, and I heard Pa tell the hired girl to wake him and Ma up when +she got up to set the pancakes and go to early mass so they could, see +the comet. The hired girl is a Cathlick, and she don't make no fuss +about it, but she has got more good, square relidgin than a dozen like +Pa. It makes a good deal of difference how relidgin affects different +people, don't it. Now Pa's relidgin makes him wild, and he wants to kick +my pants, and pull my hair, but the hired girl's relidgin makes her want +to hug me, if I am abused, and she puts anarchy on my bruises, and gives +me pie. Pa wouldn't get up at four o'clock in the morning to go to early +mass, unless he could take a fish pole along and some angel worms. The +hired girl prays when no one sees her but God, but Pa wants to get a +church full of sisterin', and pray loud, as though he was an auctioneer +selling tin razors. Say, it beats all what a difference liver medicine +has on two people, too. Now that hickory nut day, when me and my chum +got full of Pa's liver medicine, I felt so good natured I gave my +hickory nuts away to the children, and wanted to give my coat and pants +to a poor tramp, but my chum, who ain't no bigger'n me, got on his ear +and wanted to kick the socks off a little girl who was going home from +school. It's queer, ain't it. Well, about the cornet. When I heard Pa +tell the hired girl to wake him and Ma up, I told her to' wake me up +about half an hour before she waked Pa up, and then I got my chum to +stay with me, and we made a comet to play on Pa, you see my room is +right over Pa's room, and I got two lengths of stove pipe and covered +them all over with phosphorus, so they looked just as bright at as a +comet. Then we got two Roman candles and a big sky rocket, and we were +going to touch off the Roman candles and the sky rocket just as Pa and +Ma got to looking at the comet. I didn't know that a sky rocket would +kick back, did you? Well, you'd a dide to see that comet. We tied a +piece of white rubber garden hose to the stove pipe for a tail and went +to bed, and when the girl woke us up we laid for Pa and Ma. Pretty soon +we heard Pa's window open, and I looked out, and Pa and Ma had their +heads and half their bodies out of the window. They had their night +shirts on and looked just like the pictures of Millerites waiting for +the world to come to an end. Pa looked up and seed the stove pipe and he +said: + +“Hanner, for God's sake, look up there. That is the damest comet I +ever see. It is as bright as day. See the tail of it. Now that is worth +getting up to see.” + +“Just then my chum lit the two Roman candles and I touched off the +rocket, and that's where my eye winkers went. The rocket busted the +joints of the stove pipe, and they fell down on Pa, but Ma got her head +inside before the comet struck, and wasn't hurt, but one length of stove +pipe struck Pa endways on the neck and almost cut a biscuit out of him, +and the fire and sparks just poured down in his hair, and burned his +night shirt. Pa was scart. He thought the world was coming to an end, +and the window came down on his back, and he began to sing, “Earth's but +a desert drear, Heaven is my home.” I see he was caught in the window, +and I went down stairs to put out the fire on his night shirt, and put +up the window to let him in, and he said, “My boy, your Ma and I are +going to Heaven, but I fear you will go to the bad place,” and I told +him I would take my chances, and he better put on his pants if he was +going anywhere that there would be liable to be ladies present, and when +he got his head in Ma told him the world was not coming to an end, but +somebody had been setting off fireworks, and she said she guessed it was +their dear little boy, and when I saw Pa feeling under the bed for a bed +slat I got up stairs pretty previous now, and don't you forget it, and +Ma put cold cream on where the sparks burnt Pa's shirt, and Pa said +another day wouldn't pass over his head before he had me in the Reform +School. Well, if I go to the Reform School, somebody's got to pay +attention, you can bet your liver. A boy can't have any fun these days +without everybody thinks he is a heathen. What hurt did it do to play +comet? It's a mean father that wont stand a little scorchin' in the +interests of science.” + +The boy went out, scratching the place where his eye winkers were, and +then the grocery man knew what it was that caused the fire engines to be +out around at four o'clock in the morning, looking for a fire. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + HIS PA GOES HUNTING. MUTILATED JAW--THE OLD MAN HAS TAKEN TO + SWEARING AGAIN--OUT WEST DUCK SHOOTING--HIS COAT-TAIL SHOT + OFF--SHOOTS AT A WILD GOOSE--THE GUN KICKS!--THROWS A CHAIR + AT HIS SON--THE ASTONISHED SHE DEACON. + +“What has your Pa got his jaw tied up for, and what makes his right eye +so black and blue,” asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as the boy +came to bring some butter back that was strong enough to work on the +street. “You haven't hurt your poor old Pa, have you?” + +“O, his jaw is all right now. You ought to have seen him when the gun +was engaged in kicking him,” says the boy as he set the butter plate on +the cheese box. + +“Well, tell us about it. What had the gun against your Pa? I guess +it was the son-of-a-gun that kicked him,” said the grocery man, as he +winked at a servant girl who came in with her apron over her head, after +two cents worth of yeast. + +“I'll tell you, if you will keep watch down street for Pa. He says he is +dammed if he will stand this foolishness any longer.” + +“What, does your father swear, while he is on probation?” + +“Swear! Well, I should cackle. You ought to have heard him when he come +to, and spit out the loose teeth. You see, since Pa quit drinking he is +a little nervous, and the doctor said he ought to go out somewhere +and get bizness off his mind, and hunt ducks, and row a boat, and get +strength, and Pa said shooting ducks was just in his hand, and for me to +go and borrow a gun, and I could go along and carry game. So I got a gun +at the gun store, and some cartridges, and we went away out west on the +cars, more than fifty miles, and stayed two days. You ought to seen Pa. +He was just like a boy that was sick, and couldn't go to school. When +we got out by the lake he jumped up and cracked his heels together, and +yelled. I thought he was crazy, but he was only cunning. First I scared +him nearly to death by firing off the gun behind him, as we were going +along the bank, and blowing off a piece of his coat-tail. I knew it +wouldn't hurt him, but he turned pale and told me to lay down that gun, +and he picked it up and carried it the rest of the way, and I was offul +glad cause it was a heavy gun. His coat-tail smelled like when you burn +a rag to make the air in the room stop smelling so, all the forenoon. +You know Pa is a little near sighted but he don't believe it, so I got +some of the wooden decoy ducks that the hunters use, and put them in the +lake, and you ought to see Pa get down on his belly and crawl through +the grass, to get up close to them. + +“He shot twenty times at the wooden ducks, and wanted me to go in and +fetch them out, but I told him I was no retriever dog. Then Pa was mad, +and said all he brought me along for was to carry game, and I had come +near shooting his hind leg off, and now I wouldn't carry ducks. While he +was coaxing me to go in the cold water without my pants on, I heard some +wild geese squawking, and then Pa heard them, and he was excited. He +said you lay down behind the muskrat house, and I will get a goose. I +told him he couldn't kill a goose with that fine shot, and I gave him +a large cartridge the gun store man loaded for me, with a handful of +powder in, and I told Pa it was a goose cartridge, and Pa put it in the +gun. The geese came along, about a mile high, squawking, and Pa aimed at +a dark cloud and fired. Well, I was offul scared, I thought I had killed +him.” + +[Illustration: The gun just rared up p088] + +“The gun just rared up and come down on his jaw, shoulder and everywhere, +and he went over a log and struck on his shoulder, the gun flew out of +his hands, and Pa he laid there on his neck, with his feet over the log, +and that was the first time he didn't scold me since he got relidgin. I +felt offul sorry, and got some dirty water in my hat and poured it down +his neck, and laid him out, and pretty soon he opened his eyes and asked +if any of the passengers got ashore alive. Then his eye swelled out so +it looked like a blue door-knob, and pa felt of his jaw, and asked +if the engineer and fireman jumped off, or if they went down with the +engine. He seemed dazed, and then he saw the gun, and he said take the +dam thing away, it is going to kick me again. Then he got his senses and +wanted to know if he killed a goose, and I told him no, but he nearly +broke one's jaw, and then he said the gun kicked him when it went off, +and he laid down and the gun kept kicking him more than twenty times, +when he was trying to sleep. He went back to the tavern where we were +stopping and wouldn't touch the gun, but made me lug it. He told the +tavern keeper that he fell over a wire fence, but I think he began to +suspect, after he spit the loose teeth out, that the gun was loaded for +bear. I suppose he will kill me some day. Don't you think he will?” + +“Any coroner's jury would let him off and call it justifiable, if he +should kill you. You must be a lunatic. Has your Pa talked much about it +since you got back?” asked the grocery man. + +“Not much. You see he can't talk much without breaking his jaw. But he +was able to throw a chair at me. You see I thought I would joke him a +little, cause when anybody feels bad a joke kind of livens em up, so we +were talking about Pa's liver, and Ma said he seemed to be better +since his liver had become more active, and I said, 'Pa, when you was a +rolling over with the gun chasing you, and kicking you every round, your +liver was active enough, cause it was on top half the time.' Then Pa +throwed the chair at me. He says he believes I knew that cartridge was +loaded. But you ought to seen the fun when an old she deacon of Pa's +church called to collect some money to send to the heathens. + +“Ma wasn't in, so Pa went to the parlor to stand her off, and when she +see that Pa's face was tied up, and his eye was black, and his jaw +cracked, she held up both hands and said, 'O, my dear brother, you +have been drunk again. You have backslid. You will have to go back and +commence your probation all over again, and Pa said, 'Damfido,' and the +old she deacon screamed and went off without getting enough money to +buy a deck of round cornered cards for the heathen. Say, what does +'damfido,' mean? Pa has some of the queerest expressions, since he +joined the church.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + HIS PA IS “NISHIATED”--ARE YOU A MASON?--NO HARM TO PLAY aT + LODGE--WHY GOATS ARE KEPT IN STABLES--THE BAD BOY GETS THE + GOAT UP STAIRS--THE GRAND BUMPER DEGREE--KYAN PEPPER ON THE + GOAT'S BEARD--“BRING FORTH THE ROYAL BUMPER “--THE GOAT ON + THE RAMPAGE. + +“Say, are you a Mason, or a nodfellow, or anything?” asked the bad boy +of the grocery man, as he went to the cinnamon bag on the shelf and took +out a long stick of cinnamon bark to chew. + +“Why, yes, of course I am, but what set you to thinking of that,” asked +the grocery man, as he went to the desk and charged the boy's father +with a half a pound of cinnamon. + +“Well, do the goats bunt when you nishiate a fresh candidate?” + +“No, of course not. The goats are cheap ones, that have no life, and +we muzzle them, and put pillows over their heads, so they can't hurt +anybody,” says the grocery man, as he winked at a brother Odd Fellow who +was seated on a sugar barrel, looking mysterious, “But why do you ask?” + +“O, nothin, only I wish me and my chum had muzzled our goat with a +pillow. Pa would have enjoyed his becoming a member of our lodge better. +You see, Pa had been telling us how much good the Masons and Odd Fellers +did, and said we ought to try and grow up good so we could jine the +lodges when we got big, and I asked Pa if it would do any hurt for us +to have a play lodge in my room, and purtend to nishiate, and Pa said it +wouldn't do any hurt. He said it would improve our minds and learn us to +be men. So my chum and me borried a goat that lives in a livery stable. +Say, did you know they keep a goat in a livery stable so the horses +won't get sick? They get used to the smell of the goat, and after that +nothing can make them sick but a glue factory. I wish my girl boarded in +a livery stable, then she would get used to the smell. I went home with +her from church Sunday night, and the smell of the goat on my clothes +made her sick to her stummick, and she acted just like an excursion on +the lake, and said if I didn't go and bury myself and take the smell +out of me she wouldn't never go with me again. She was just as pale as a +ghost, and the prespiration on her lip was just zif she had been hit by +a street sprinkler. You see my chum and me had to carry the goat up to +my room when Pa and Ma was out riding, and he blatted so we had to tie +a handkerchief around his nose, and his feet made such a noise on the +floor that we put some baby's socks on his feet. Gosh, how frowy a goat +smells, don't it? I should think you Masons must have strong stummix, +Why don't you have a skunk or a mule for a trade mark. Take a mule, +and annoint it with limburg cheese and you could initiate and make a +candidate smell just as bad as with a gosh darn mildewed goat. + +“Well, my chum and me practiced with that goat until he could bunt the +picture of a goat every time. We borried a buck beer sign from a saloon +man and hung it on the back of a chair, and the goat would hit it every +time. That night Pa wanted to know what we were doing up in my room, and +I told him we were playing lodge, and improving our minds, and Pa said +that was right, there was nothing that did boys of our age half so much +good as to imitate men, and store by useful nollidge. Then my chum asked +Pa if he didn't want to come up and take the grand bumper degree, and Pa +laffed and said he didn't care if he did, just to encourage us boys in +innocent pastime, that was so improving to our intellex. + +“We had shut the goat up in a closet in my room, and he had got over +blatting, so we took off the handkerchief, and he was eating some of my +paper collars, and skate straps. We went up stairs, and told Pa to come +up pretty soon and give three distinct raps, and when we asked him who +comes there he must say, 'a pilgrim who wants to join your ancient order +and ride the goat.' Ma wanted to come up too, but we told her if she +come in it would break up the lodge, cause a woman couldn't keep a +secret, and we didn't have any side saddle for the goat. Say, if you +never tried it, the next time you nitiate a man in your Mason's lodge +you sprinkle a little kyan pepper on the goat's beard just afore you +turn him loose. You can get three times as much fun to the square inch +of goat. You wouldn't think it was the same goat. Well, we got all fixed +and Pa rapped, and we let him in and told him he must be blindfolded, +and he got on his knees a laffing and I tied a towel around his eyes, +and then I turned him around and made him get down on his hands also, +and then his back was right towards the closet door, and I put the buck +beer sign right against Pa's clothes. He was a laffing all the time, and +said we boys were as full of fun as they made 'em, and we told him +it was a solemn occasion, and we wouldn't permit no levity, and if he +didn't stop laffing we couldn't give him the grand bumper degree.” + +[Illustration: Then everything was ready p093] + +“Then everything was ready, and my chum had his hand on the closet door, +and some kyan pepper in his other hand, and I asked Pa in low bass tones +if he felt as though he wanted to turn back, or if he had nerve enough +to go ahead and take the degree. I warned him that it was full of +dangers, as the goat was loaded for bear, and told him he yet had +time to retrace his steps if he wanted to. He said he wanted the whole +bizness, and we could go ahead with the menagerie. Then I said to +Pa that if he had decided to go ahead, and not blame us for the +consequences, to repeat after me the following: 'Bring forth the Royal +Bumper and let him Bump.' Pa repeated the words, and my chum sprinkled +the kyan pepper on the goat's moustache, and he sneezed once and looked +sassy, and then he see the lager beer goat raring up, and he started for +it, just like a cow catcher, and blatted. Pa is real fat, but he knew he +got hit, and he grunted, and said, 'Hell's-fire, what you boys doin?'” + +[Illustration: Hell's-fire, what you boys doin p094] + +“And then the goat gave him another degree, and Pa pulled off the towel +and got up and started for the stairs, and so did the goat, and Ma +was at the bottom of the stairs listening, and when I looked over the +banisters Pa and Ma and the goat were all in a heap, and Pa was yelling +murder, and Ma was screaming fire, and the goat was blatting, and +sneezing, and bunting, and the hired girl came into the hall and the +goat took after her and she crossed herself just as the goat struck her +and said, 'Howly mother, protect me!' and went down stairs the way we +boys slide down hill, with both hands on herself, and the goat rared up +and blatted, and Pa and Ma went into their room and shut the door, and +then my chum and me opened the front door and drove the goat out. The +minister, who comes to see Ma every three times a week, was just ringing +the bell and the goat thought he wanted to be nishiated too, and gave +him one, for luck, and then went down the sidewalk, blatting, and +sneezing, and the minister came in the parlor and said he was stabbed, +and then Pa came out of his room with his suspenders hanging down, and +he didn't know the minister was there, and he said cuss words, and Ma +cried and told Pa he would go to hell sure, and Pa said he didn't care, +he would kill that kussid goat afore he went, and I told Pa the minister +was in the parlor, and he and Ma went down and said the weather was +propitious for a revival, and it seemed as though an outpouring of the +spirit was about to be vouchsafed to His people, and none of them sot +down but Ma, cause the goat didn't hit her, and while they were talking +relidgin, with their mouths, and kussin the goat inwardly, my chum and +me adjourned the lodge, and I went and stayed with him all night, and I +haven't been home since. But I don't believe Pa will lick me, cause he +said he would not hold us responsible for the consequences. He ordered +the goat hisself, and we filled the order, don't you see? Well, I guess +I will go and sneak in the back way, and find out from the hired girl +how the land lays. She won't go back on me, cause the goat was not +loaded for hired girls. She just happened to get in at the wrong time. +Good bye, sir, Remember and give your goat kyan pepper in your lodge.” + +As the boy went away, and skipped over the back fence, the grocery man +said to his brother odd fellow, + +“If that boy don't beat the devil then I never saw one that did. The old +man ought to have him sent to a lunatic asylum.” + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + HIS GIRL GOES BACK ON HIM--THE GROCERY MAN IS AFRAID--BUT + THE BAD BOY IS A WRECK!--“MY GIRL, HAS SHOOK ME!”--THE BAD + BOY'S HEART IS BROKEN--STILL HE ENJOYS A BIT OF FUN--COD- + LIVER OIL ON THE PANCAKES--THE HIRED GIRLS MADE VICTIMS--THE + BAD BOY VOWS VENGEANCE ON HIS GIRL AND THE TELEGRAPH + MESSENGER. + +“Now you git right away from here,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, +as he came in with a hungry look on his face, and a wild light in his +eye. “I am afraid of you. I wouldn't be surprised to see you go off half +cocked and blow us all up. I think you are a devil. You may have a billy +goat, or a shot gun or a bottle of poison concealed about you. Condemn +you, the police ought to muzzle you. You will kill somebody yet. Here +take a handful of prunes and go off somewhere and enjoy yourself, and +keep away from here,” and the grocery man went on sorting potatoes, and +watching the haggard face of the boy. “What ails you anyway?” he added, +as the boy refused the prunes, and seemed to be sick to the stomach. + +“O, I am a wreck,” said the boy, as he grated his teeth, and looked +wicked. “You see before you a shadow. I have drank of the sweets of +life, and now only the dregs remain. I look back at the happiness of the +past two weeks, during which I have been permitted to gaze into the fond +blue eyes of my loved one, and carry her rubbers to school for her to +wear home when it rained, to hear the sweet words that fell from her +lips as she lovingly told me I was a terror, and as I think it is all +over, and that I shall never again place my arm around her waist, I feel +as if the world had been kicked off its base and was whirling through +space, liable to be knocked into a cocked hat, and I don't care a darn. +My girl has shook me.” + +“Sho! You don't say so,” says the grocery man as he threw a rotten +potato into a basket of good ones that were going to the orphan asylum. +“Well, she showed sense. You would have blown her up, or broken her +neck, or something. But don't feel bad. You will soon find another girl +that will discount her, and you will forget this one.” + +“Never!” said the the boy, as he nibbled at a piece of codfish that he +had picked off. “I shall never allow my affections to become entwined +about another piece of calico. It unmans me, sir. Henceforth I am a +hater of the whole girl race. From this out I shall harbor revenge in +my heart, and no girl can cross my path and live. I want to grow up to +become a he school ma'am, or a he milliner, or something, where I can. +grind girls into the dust under the heel of a terrible despotism, and +make them sue for mercy. To think that girl, on whom I have lavished my +heart's best love and over thirty cents, in the past two weeks, could +let the smell of a goat on my clothes come between us, and break off, an +acquaintance that seemed to be the forerunner of a happy future, and say +“ta-ta” to me, and go off to dancing school with a telegraph messenger +boy who wears a sleeping car porter uniform, is too much, and my +heart is broken. I will lay for that messenger some night, when he is +delivering a message in our ward, and I will make him think lightning +has struck the wire and run in on his bench. O, you don't know anything +about the woe there is in this world. You never loved many people, did +you?” + +The grocery man admitted he never loved very hard, but he knew a little +something about it from-an aunt of his, who got mashed on a Chicago +drummer. “But your father must be having a rest while your whole mind is +occupied with your love affair,” said he. + +“Yes,” says the boy, with a vacant look, “I take no interest in the +pleasure of the chase any more, though I did have a little quiet fun +this morning at the breakfast table. You see Pa is the contrariest man +ever was. If I complain that anything at the table don't taste good, Pa +says it is all right. This morning I took the syrup pitcher and emptied +out the white syrup and put in some cod liver oil that Ma is taking for +her cough. I put some on my pancakes and pretended to taste of it, and +I told Pa the syrup was sour and not fit to eat. Pa was mad in a second, +and he poured out some on his pancakes, and said I was getting too +confounded particular. He said the syrup was good enough for him, and +he sopped his pancakes in it and fired some down his neck. He is a gaul +durned hypocrite, that's what he is. I could see by his face that the +cod liver oil was nearly killing him, but he said that syrup was all +right, and if I didn't eat mine he would break my back, and by gosh, I +had to eat it, and Pa said he guessed he hadn't got much appetite, and +he would just drink a cup of coffee and eat a donut. + +“I like to dide, and that is one thing, I think, that makes this +disappointment in love harder to bear. But I felt sorry for Ma. Ma ain't +got a very strong stummick, and when she got some of that cod liver oil +in her mouth she went right up stairs, sicker'n a horse, and Pa had to +help her, and she had noo-ralgia all the morning. I eat pickles to take +the taste out of my mouth, and then I laid for the hired girls. They eat +too much syrup, anyway, and when they got on to that cod liver oil, and +swallowed a lot of it, one of them, a nirish girl, she got up from the +table and put her hand on her corset, and said, “howly Jaysus,” and went +out in the kitchen, as pale as Ma is when she has powder on her face, +and the other girl who is Dutch, she swallowed a pancake and said, “Mine +Gott, vas de matter from me,” and she went out and leaned on the coal +bin, then they talked Irish and Dutch, and got clubs, and started to +look for me, and I thought I would come over here. + +“The whole family is sick, but it is not from love, like my illness, and +they will get over it, while I shall fill an early grave, but not till I +have made that girl and the telegraph messenger wish they were dead. Pa +and I are going to Chicago next week, and I'll bet we'll have some fun. +Pa says I need a change of air, and I think he is going to try and lose +me. It's a cold day when I get left anywhere that I can't find my way +back, Well, good bye, old rotten potatoes.” + + + + +CHAPTEE XXI. + + HE AND HIS PA IN CHICAGO--NOTHING LIKE TRAVELING TO GIVE + TONE--LAUGHING IN THE WRONG PLACE--A DIABOLICAL PLOT--HIS PA + ARRESTED AS A KIDNAPPER--THE NUMBERS ON THE DOORS CHANGED-- + THE WRONG ROOM--“NOTHIN THE MAZZER WITH ME, PET!”--THE TELL- + TALE HAT. + +“What is this I hear about your Pa's being arrested in Chicago,” said +the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in with a can for kerosene +and a jug for vinegar. + +“Well, it was true, but the police let him go after they hit him a few +licks and took him to the station,” said the boy, as he got the vinegar +into the kerosene can, and the kerosene in the jug. “You see, Pa and me +went down there to stay over night, and have fun. Ma said she druther we +would be away then not when they were cleaning house, and Pa thought it +would do me good to travel, and sort of get tone, and he thought maybe +I'd be better, and not play jokes, but I guess it is born in me. Do you +know I actually think of mean things to do when I am in the most solemn +places. They took me to a funeral once; and I got to thinking what a +stampede there would be if the corpse would come to life and sit up +in the coffin, and I snickered right out, and Pa took me out doors +and kicked my pants. I don't think he orter kicked me for it, cause I +didn't think of it a purpose. Such things have occurred, and I have read +about them, and a poor boy ought to be allowed to think, hadn't he?” + +“Yes, but what about his being arrested. Never mind the funeral,” said +the grocery man, as he took his knife and picked some of the lead out of +the weights on the scales. + +“We went down on the cars, and Pa had a headache, because he had been +out all night electioneering for the prohibition ticket, and he was +cross, and scolded me, and once he pulled my ear cause I asked him if +he knew the girl he was winking at in a seat across the aisle. I didn't +enjoy myself much, and some men were talking about kidnapping children, +and it gave me an ijee, and just before I got to Chicago I went after a +drink of water at the other end of the car, and I saw a man who looked +as though he wouldn't stand any fooling, and I whispered to him and told +him that the bald-headed man I was sitting with was taking me away from +my home in Milwaukee, and I mistrusted he was going to make a thief or a +pickpocket of me. I said 's-h-h-h,' and told him not to say anything or +the man would maul me. Then I went back to the seat and asked Pa to buy +me a gold watch, and he looked mad and cuffed me on the ear. The man +that I whispered too got talking with some other men, and when we got +off the cars at Chicago a policeman came up to Pa and took him by the +neck and said, 'Mr. Kidnapper, I guess we will run you in.' Pa was mad +and tried to jerk away, and the cop choked him, and another cop came +along and helped, and the passengers crowded around and wanted to lynch +Pa, and Pa wanted to know what they meant, and they asked him where he +stole the kid, and he said I was his kid, and asked me if I wasn't, and +I looked scarred, as though I was afraid to say no, and I said 'Y-e-s +S-e-r, I guess so.' Then the police said the poor boy was scart, and +they would take us both to the station, and they made Pa walk spry, and +when he held back they jerked him along. He was offul mad and said he +would make somebody smart for this, and I hoped it wouldn't be me. At +the station they charged Pa with kidnapping a boy from Milwaukee, and +he said it was a lie, and I was his boy, and I said of course I was, +and the boss asked who told the cops Pa was a kidnapper, and they said +'damfino,' and then the boss told Pa he could go, but not to let it +occur again, and Pa and me went away. I looked so sorry for Pa that he +never tumbled to me, that I was to blame. We walked around town all day, +and went to the stores, and at night Pa was offul tired, and he put me +to bed in the tavern and he went out to walk around and get rested. I +was not tired, and I walked all around the hotel. I thought Pa had gone +to a theatre, and that made me mad, and I thought I would play a joke +on him. Our room was 210 and the next was 212, and there was a old maid +with a scotch terrier occupied 212. I saw her twice and she called me +names, cause she thought I wanted to steal her dog. That made me mad at +her, and so I took my jack knife and drew the tacks out of the tin thing +that the numbers were painted on, and put the old maid's number on our +door and our number on her door, and then I went to bed. I tried to +keep awake, so as to help Pa if he had any difficulty, but I guess I got +asleep, but woke up when the dog barked. If the dog had not woke me up, +the woman's scream would, and if that hadn't, Pa would. You see, Pa came +home from the theatre about 'leven, and he had been drinking. He says +everybody drinks when they go to Chicago, even the minister. Pa looked +at the numbers on the doors all along the hall till he found 210, and +walked right in and pulled off his coat and threw it on the lounge where +the dog was. The old maid was asleep, but the dog barked, and Pa said, +'That cussed boy has bought a dog.' and he kicked the dog, and then the +old maid said, 'what is the matter pet?'” + +[Illustration: In the wrong room p105] + +“Pa laffed and said, 'Nothin the mazzer with _me_, pet,' and then you +ought to have heard the yelling. The old maid covered her head and +kicked and yelled, and the dog snarled and bit Pa on the pants, and Pa +had his vest off and his suspenders unbuttoned, and he got scared and +took his coat and vest and went out in the hall, and I opened our door +and told Pa he was in the wrong room, and he said he guessed he knowed +it, and he came in our room and I locked the door, and then the bell +boy, and the porter, and the clerk came up to see what ailed the old +maid, and she said a burglar got in the room, and they found Pa's hat +on the lounge, and they took it and told her to be quiet and they would +find the burglar. Pa was so scared that he sweat like everything, and +the bed was offul warm, and he pretended to go to sleep, but he was +wondering how he could get his hat back. In the morning I told him it +would be hard work to explain it to Ma how he happened to get into the +wrong room, and he said it wasn't necessary to say anything about it to +Ma. Then he gave me five dollars to go out and buy him a new hat, and +he said I might keep the change if I would not mention it when I got +home, and I got him one for ten shillings, and we took the eight o'clock +train in the morning and came home, and I spose the Chicago detectives +are trying to fit Pa's hat onto a burglar. Pa seemed offully relieved +when we got across the state line into Wisconsin. But you'd a dide to +see him come out of that old lady's room with his coat and vest on his +arm, and his suspenders hanging down, looking scart. He dassent lick me +any more or I'll tell Ma where Pa left his hat.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + HIS PA IS DISCOURAGED. “I AIN'T NO JONER!”--THE STORY OP THE + ANCIENT PROPHET--THE SUNDAY SCHOOL FOLKS GO BACK ON THE BAD + BOY--CAGED CATS--A COMMITTEE MEETING--A REMARKABLE CAT- + ASTROPHE!--“THAT BOY BEATS HELL!”--BASTING THE BAD BOY--THE + HOT-WATER-IN-THE SPONGE TRICK. + +“Say, you leave here mighty quick,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, +as he came in, with his arm in a sling, and backed up againt the stove +to get warm. “Everything has gone wrong since you got to coming here, +and I think you are a regular Jonah. I find sand in my sugar, kerosene +in the butter, the codfish is all picked off, and there is something +wrong every time you come here. Now you leave.” + +“I aint no Joner,” said the boy as he wiped his nose on his coat sleeve, +and reached into a barrel for a snow apple. “I never swallered no whale. +Say, do you believe that story about Joner being in the whale's belly, +all night? I don't. The minister was telling about it at Sunday school +last Sunday, and asked me what I thought Joner was doing while he was in +there, and I told him I interpreted the story this way, that the whale +was fixed up inside with upper and lower berths, like a sleeping car, +and Joner had a lower berth, and the porter made up the berth as soon as +Joner came in with his satchel, and Joner pulled off his boots and gave +them to the porter to black, and put his watch under the pillow and +turned in. The boys in Sunday school all laffed, and the minister said +I was a bigger fool than Pa was, and that was useless. If you go back on +me, now, I won't have a friend, except my chum and a dog, and I swear, +by my halidom, that I never put no sand in your sugar, or kerosene in +your butter. I admit the picking off of the codfish, but you can charge +it to Pa, the same as you did the eggs that I pushed my chum over into +last summer, though I thought you did wrong in charging Christmas prices +for dog days' eggs. When my chum's Ma scraped his pants she said there +was not an egg represented on there that was less than two years old. +The Sunday school folks have all gone back on me, since I put kyan +pepper on the stove, when they were singing 'Little Drops of Water,' and +they all had to go out doors and air themselves, but I didn't mean to +let the pepper drop on the stove. I was just holding it over the stove +to warm it, when my chum hit the funny bone of my elbow. Pa says I am a +terror to cats. Every time Pa says anything, it gives me a new idea. I +tell you Pa has got a great brain, but sometimes he don't have it with +him. When he said I was a terror to cats I thought what fun there is +in cats, and me and my chum went to stealing cats right off, and before +night we had eleven cats caged. We had one in a canary bird cage, three +in Pa's old hat boxes, three in Ma's band box, four in valises, two in a +trunk, and the rest in a closet up stairs.” + +“That night Pa said he wanted me to stay home because the committee that +is going to get up a noyster supper in the church was going to meet at +our house, and they might want to send me on errands. I asked him if my +chum couldn't stay too, 'cause he is the healthiest infant to run after +errands that ever was, and Pa said he could stay, but we must remember +that there musn't be no monkey business going on. I told him there +shouldn't be no monkey business, but I didn't promise nothing about +cats. Well, sir, you'd a dide. The committee was in the library by the +back stairs, and me and my chum got the cat boxes all together, at the +top of the stairs, and we took them all out and put them in a clothes +basket, and just as the minister was speaking, and telling what a great +good was done by these oyster sociables, in bringing the young people +together, and taking their minds from the wickedness of the world, and +turning their thoughts into different channels, one of the old torn +cats in the basket gave a 'purmeow' that sounded like the wail of a lost +soul, or a challenge to battle, I told my chum that we couldn't hold the +bread-board over the clothes basket much longer, when two or three cats +began to yowl, and the minister stopped talking and Pa told Ma to open +the stair door and tell the hired girl to see what was the matter up +there. She thought our cat had got shut up in the storm door, and she +opened the stair door to yell to the girl, and then I pushed the clothes +basket, cats and all down the back stairs. Well, sir, I suppose no +committee for a noyster supper, was ever more astonished. I heard ma +fall over a willow rocking chair, and say, 'scat,' and I heard Pa say, +'well, I'm dam'd,' and a girl that sings in the choir say, 'Heavens, I +am stabbed,' then my chum and me ran to the front of the house and come +down the front stairs looking as innocent as could be, and we went in +the library, and I was just going to tell Pa if there was any errands he +wanted run my chum and me was just aching to run them, when a yellow cat +without any tail was walking over the minister, and Pa was throwing a +hassock at two cats that were clawing each other under the piano, and Ma +was trying to get her frizzes back on her head, and the choir girl was +standing on the lounge with her dress pulled up, trying to scare cats +with her striped stockings, and the minister was holding his hands up, +and I guess he was asking a blessing on the cats, and my chum opened the +front door and all the cats went out. Pa and Ma looked at me and I said +it wasn't me, and the minister wanted to know how so much cat hair got +on my coat and vest, and I said a cat met me in the hall and kicked me, +and Ma cried, and Pa said that boy beats hell, and the minister said I +would be all right if I had been properly brought up, and then Ma was +mad, and the committee broke up. Well, to tell the honest truth Pa +basted me, and yanked me around until I had to have my arm in a sling, +but what's the use of making such a fuss about a few cats. Ma said she +never wanted to have my company again, cause I spoiled everything. But +I got even with Pa for basting me, this morning, and I dassent go home. +You see Ma has got a great big bath sponge as big as a chair cushion, +and this morning I took the sponge and filled it with warm water, and +took the feather cushion out of the chair Pa sits in at the table, and +put the sponge in its place, and covered it over with the cushion cover, +and when we all got set down to the table Pa came in and sat down on +it to ask a blessing. He started in by closing his eyes and placing his +hands up in front of him like a letter V, and then he began to ask that +the food we were about to partake off be blessed, and then he was going +on to ask that 'all of us be made to see the error of our ways, when +he began to hitch around, and he opened one eye and looked at me, and I +looked as pious as a boy can look when he knows the pancakes are getting +cold, and Pa he kind of sighed and said 'Amen' sort of snappish, and he +got up and told Ma he didn't feel well, and she would have to take his +place and pass around the sassidge and potatoes, and he looked kind +of scart and went out with his hand on his pistol pocket, as though he +would like to shoot, and Ma she got up and went around and sat in Pa's +chair. The sponge didn't hold more than half a pail full of water, and +I didn't want to play no joke on Ma, cause the cats nearly broke her up, +but she sat down and was just going to help me, when she rung the bell +and called the hired girl, and said she felt as though her neuralgia was +coming on, and she would go to her room, and told the girl to sit down +and help Hennery. The girl sat down and poured me out some coffee, and +then she said. 'Howly Saint Patrick, but I blave those pancakes are +burning,' and she went out in the kitchen. I drank my coffee, and then +took the big sponge out of the chair and put the cushion in the place of +it, and then I put the sponge in the bath room, and I went up to Pa and +Ma's room, and asked them if I should go after the doctor, and Pa had +changed his clothes and got on his Sunday pants, and he said, 'never +mind the doctor, I guess we will pull through,' and for me to get out +and go to the devil, and I came over here. Say, there is no harm in a +little warm water, is there? Well, I'd like to know what Pa and Ma and +the hired girl thought. I am the only real healthy one there is in our +family.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + HE BECOMES A DRUGGIST--“I HAVE GONE INTO BUSINESS!”--A NEW + ROSE GERANIUM PERFUME--THE BAD BOY IN A DRUGGIST'S STORE-- + PRACTICING ON HIS PA--AN EXPLOSION--THE SEIDLETZ POWDER--HIS + PA'S FREQUENT PAINS--POUNDING INDIA-RUBBER--CURING A WART. + +“Whew! What is that smells so about this store? It seems as though +everything had turned frowy,” said the grocery man to his clerk, in the +presence of the bad boy, who was standing with his back to the stove, +his coat tails parted with his hands, and a cigarette in his mouth. + +“May be it is me that smells frowy,” said the boy as he put his thumbs +in the armholes of his vest, and spit at the keyhole in the door. “I +have gone into business.” + +“By thunder, I believe it is you,” said the grocery man, as he went up +to the boy, snuffed a couple of times, and then held his hand to his +nose. “The board of health will kerosene you, if they ever smell that +smell, and send you to the glue factory. What business you gone into to +make you smell so rank?” + +“Well, you see Pa began to think it was time I learned a trade, or a +perfession, and he saw a sign in a drug store window, 'boy wanted,' and +as he had a boy he didn't want, he went to the druggist and got a job +for me. This smell on me will go off in a few weeks. You know I wanted +to try all the perfumery in the store, and after I had got about forty +different extracts on my clothes, another boy that worked there he fixed +up a bottle of benzine and assafety and brimstone, and a whole lot of +other horrid stuff, and labeled it 'rose geranium,' and I guess I just +wallered in it. It _is_ awful, aint it? It kerflummixed Ma when I went +into the dining-room the first night that I got home from the store, +and broke Pa all up, He said I reminded him of the time that they had a +litter of skunks under the barn. The air seemed fixed around where I +am, and everybody seems to know who fixed it. A girl came in the store +yesterday to buy a satchet, and there wasn't anybody there but me, and I +didn't know what it was, and I took down everything in the store pretty +near, before I found it, and then I wouldn't have found it only the +proprietor came in. The girl asked the proprietor if there wasn't a +good deal of sewer-gas in the store, and he told me to go out and shake +myself. I think the girl was mad at me because I got a nursing bottle +out of the show case, with a rubber muzzle, and asked her if that was +what she wanted. Well, she told me a satchet was something for the +stummick, and I thought a nursing bottle was the nearest thing to it.” + +“I should think you would drive all the customers away from the store,” + said the grocery man, as he opened the door to let the fresh air in. + +“I don't know but I will, but I am hired for a month on trial, and I +shall stay. You see, I shan't practice on anybody but Pa for a spell. +I made up my mind to that when I gave a woman some salts instead of +powdered borax, and she came back mad. Pa seems to want to encourage me, +and is willing to take anything that I ask him to, He had a sore throat +and wanted something for it, and the boss drugger told me to put some +tannin and chlorate of potash in a mortar, and grind it, and I let +Pa pound it with the mortar, and while he was pounding I dropped in a +couple of drops of sulphuric acid, and it exploded and blowed Pa's +hat clear across the store, and Pa was whiter than a sheet. He said he +guessed his throat was all right, and he wouldn't come near me again +that day. The next day Pa came in and I was laying for him. I took a +white seidletz powder and a blue one, and dissolved them in separate +glasses, and when Pa came in I asked him if he didn't want some +lemonade, and he said he did, and I gave him the sour one and he drank +it. He said it was too sour, and then I gave him the other glass, that +looked like water, to take the taste out of his mouth, and he drank it. +Well, sir, when those two powders got together in Pa's stummick, and +began to siz and steam, and foam, Pa pretty near choked to death, and +the suds came out of his nostrils, and his eyes stuck out, and as soon +as he could get his breath he yelled 'fire,' and said he was poisoned, +and called for a doctor, but I thought as long as we had a doctor right +in the family there was no use of hiring one, so I got a stomach pump, +and I would have had him baled out in no time, only the proprietor came +in and told me to go and wash some bottles, and he gave Pa a drink of +brandy, and Pa said he felt better.” + +[Illustration: A new way to take Seidlitz Powders p015] + +“Pa has learned where we keep the liquor, and he comes in two or three +times a day with a pain in his stomach. They play awful mean tricks on a +boy in a drug store. The first day they put a chunk of something sort +of blue into a mortar, and told me to pulverize it, and then made it up +into two grain pills. Well, sir, I pounded that chunk all the forenoon, +and it never pulverized at all, and the boss told me to hurry up, as the +woman was waiting for the pills, and I mauled it till I was nearly dead, +and when it was time to go to supper the boss came and looked in the +mortar, and took out the chunk, and said, 'You dum fool, you have been +pounding all day on a chunk of India rubber, instead of blue mass!' +Well, how did I know? But I will get even with them if I stay there long +enough, and don't you forget it. If you have a prescription you want +filled you can come down to the store and I will put it up for you +myself, and then you will be sure you get what you pay for. + +“Yes, said the grocery man, as he cut off a piece of limberg cheese and +put on the stove, to purify the air in the room, “I should laugh to see +myself taking any medicine you put up. You will kill some one yet, by +giving them poison instead of quinine. But what has your Pa got his nose +tied up for? He looks as though he had had a fight.” + +“O, that was from my treatment. He had a wart on his nose. You know that +wart. You remember how the minister told him if other peoples business +had a button-hole in it, Pa could button the wart in the button-hole, +as he always had his nose there. Well, I told Pa I could cure that wart +with caustic, and he said he would give five dollars if I could cure +it, so I took a stick of caustic and burned the wart off, but I guess +I burned down into the nose a little, for it swelled up as big as a +lobster. Pa says he would rather have a whole nest of warts than such a +nose, but it will be all right in a year or two.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + HE QUITS THE DRUG BUSINESS. HE HAS DISSOLVED WITH THE + DRUGGER--THE OLD LADY AND THE GIN--THE BAD BOY IGNOMINIOUSLY + FIRED--HOW HE DOSED HIS PA's BRANDY--THE BAD BOY AS “HAWTY + AS A DOOK”--HE GETS EVEN WITH HIS GIRL--THE BAD BOY WANTS A + QUIET PLACE--THE OLD MAN THREATENS THE PARSON. + +“What are you loafing around here for,” says the grocery man to the bad +boy one day this week. “It is after nine o'clock, and I should think you +would want to be down to the drug store. How do you know but there may +be somebody dying for a dose of pills?” + +“O, darn the drug store. I have got sick of that business, and I have +dissolved with the drugger. I have resigned. The policy of the store +did not meet with my approval, and I have stepped out and am waiting for +them to come and tender me a better position at an increased salary,” + said the boy, as he threw a cigar stub into a barrel of prunes and lit a +fresh one. + +“Resigned, eh?” said the grocery man as he fished out the cigar stub and +charged the boy's father with two pounds of prunes, “didn't you and the +boss agree?” + +“Not exactly, I gave an old lady some gin when she asked for camphor and +water, and she made a show of herself. I thought I would fool her, but +she knew mighty well what it was, and she drank about half a pint of +gin, and got to tipping over bottles and kegs of paint, and when the +drug man came in with his wife, the old woman threw her arms around his +neck and called him her darling, and when he pushed her away, and told +her she was drunk, she picked up a bottle of citrate of magnesia and +pointed it at him, and the cork came out like a pistol, and he thought +he was shot, and his wife fainted away, and the police came and took +the old gin refrigerator away, and then the drug man told me to face the +door, and when I wasn't looking he kicked me four times, and I landed +in the street, and he said if I ever came in sight of the store again +he would kill me dead. That is the way I resigned. I tell you, they will +send for me again. They never can run that store without me. + +“I guess they will worry along without you,” said the grocery man. “How +does your Pa take your being fired out? I should think it would brake +him all up.” + +“O, I think Pa rather likes it. At first he thought he had a soft snap +with me in the drug store, cause he has got to drinking again, like a +fish, and he has gone back on the church entirely; but after I had put a +few things in his brandy he concluded it was cheaper to buy it, and he +is now patronizing a barrel house down by the river. + +“One day I put some Castile soap in a drink of brandy, and Pa leaned +over the back fence more than an hour, with his finger down his throat. +The man that collects the ashes from the alley asked Pa if he had lost +anything, and Pa said he was only 'sugaring off.' I don't know what that +is. When Pa felt better he came in and wanted a little whiskey to +take the taste out of his mouth, and I gave him some, with about a +teaspoonful of pulverized alum in it. Well, sir, you'd a dide. Pa's +mouth and throat was so puckered up that he couldn't talk. I don't think +that drugman will make anything by firing me out, because I shall turn +all the trade that I control to another store. Why, sir, sometimes there +were eight and nine girls in the store all at wonct, on account of my +being there. They came to have me put extracts on their handkerchiefs, +and to eat gum drops--he will lose all that trade now. My girl that went +back on me for the telegraph messenger boy, she came with the rest of +the girls, but she found, that I could be as 'hawty as a dook.' I got +even with her, though. I pretended I wasn't mad, and when she wanted me +to put some perfumery op her handkerchief I said all right, and I put +on a little geranium and white rose, and then I got some tincture of +assafety, and sprinkled it on her dress and cloak when she went out. +That is about the worst smelling stuff that ever was, and I was glad +when she went out and met the telgraph boy on the corner. They went off +together; but he came back pretty soon, about the homesickest boy you +ever saw, and he told my chum he would never go with that girl again +because she smelled like spoiled oysters or sewer gas. Her folks noticed +it, and made her go and wash her feet and soak herself, and her brother +told my chum it didn't do any good, she smelled just like a glue +factory, and my chum--the darn fool--told her brother that it was me who +perfumed her, and he hit me in the eye with a frozen fish, down by the +fish store, and that's what made my eye black; but I know how to cure a +black eye. I have not been in a drug store eight days, and not know how +to cure a black eye; and I guess I learned that girl not to go back on a +boy 'cause he smelled like a goat. + +“Well, what was it about your leaving the wrong medicine at houses? +The policeman in this ward told me you come pretty near killing several +people by leaving the wrong medicine.” + +“The way of it was this. There was about a dozen different kinds of +medicine to leave at different places, and I was in a hurry to go to the +roller skating rink, so I got my chum to help me, and we just took the +numbers of the houses, and when we rung the bell we would hand out the +first package we come to, and I understand there was a good deal of +complaint. One old maid who ordered powder for her face, her ticket drew +some worm lozengers, and she kicked awfully, and a widow who was going +to be married, she ordered a celluloid comb and brush, and she got a +nursing bottle with a rubber nozzle, and a toothing ring, and she made +quite a fuss; but the woman who was weaning her baby and wanted the +nursing bottle, she got the comb and brush and some blue pills, and +she never made any fuss at all. It makes a good deal of difference, I +notice, whether a person gets a better thing than they ordered or not. +But the drug business is too lively for me. I have got to have a quiet +place, and I guess I will be a cash boy in a store. Pa says he thinks I +was cut out for a bunko steerer, and I may look for that kind of a job. +Pa he is a terror since he got to drinking again. He came home the other +day, when the minister was calling on Ma, and just cause the minister +was sitting on the sofa with Ma, and had his hand on her shoulder, where +she said the pain was when the rheumatiz came on, Pa was mad and told +the minister he would kick his liver clear around on the other side +if he caught him there again, and Ma felt awful about it. After the +minister had gone away, Ma told Pa he had got no feeling at all, and +Pa said he had got enough feeling for one family, and he didn't want no +sky-sharp to help him. He said he could cure all the rheumatiz there was +around his house, and then he went down town and didn't get home till +most breakfast time. Ma says she thinks I am responsible for Pa's +falling into bad ways again, and now I am going to cure him. You watch +me, and see if I don't have Pa in the church in less than a week, +praying and singing, and going home with the choir singers, just as +pious as ever. I am going to get a boy that writes a woman's hand to +write to Pa, and--but I must not give it away. But you just watch Pa, +that's all. Well, I must go and saw some wood. It is coming down a good +deal, from a drug clerk to sawing wood, but I will get on top yet, and +don't you forget it.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + HIS PA KILLS HIM--A GENIUS AT WHISTLING--A FUR-LINED CLOAK A + SURE CURE FOR CONSUMPTION--ANOTHER LETTER SENT TO THE OLD + MAN--HE RESOLVES ON IMMEDIATE PUNISHMENT--THE BLADDER-BUFFER + THE EXPLOSION--A TRAGIC SCENE--HIS PA VOWS TO REFORM. + +“For heaven's sake dry up that whistling,” said the grocery man to +the bad boy, as he sat on a bag of peanuts, whistling and filling his +pockets. “There is no sense in such whistling. What do you whistle for, +anyway?” + +“I am practicing my profession,” said the boy, as he got up and +stretched himself, and cut off a slice of cheese, and took a few +crackers. “I have always been a good whistler, and I have decided to +turn my talent to account. I am going to hire an office and put out a +sign, 'Boy furnished to whistle for lost dogs.' You see there are dogs +lost every day, and any man would give half a dollar to a boy to find +his dog. I can hire out to whistle for dogs, and can go around whistling +and enjoying myself, and make money, Don't you think it is a good +scheme?” asked the boy of the grocery man. + +“Naw,” said the grocery man, as he charged the cheese to the boy's +father, and picked up his cigar stub, which he had left on the counter, +and which the boy had rubbed on the kerosene barrel, “No, sir, that +whistle would scare any dog that heard it. Say, what was your Pa running +after the doctor in his shirt sleeves for last Sunday morning? He looked +scared. Was your Ma sick again?” + +“O, no, Ma is healthy enough, now she has got a new fur lined cloak. She +played consumption on Pa, and coughed so she liked to raise her lights +and liver, and made Pa believe she couldn't live, and got the doctor +to prescribe a fur lined circular, and Pa went and got one, and Ma has +improved awfully. Her cough is all gone, and she can walk ten miles. I +was the one that was sick. You see, I wanted to get Pa into the church +again, and get him to stop drinking, so I got a boy to write a letter to +him, in a female hand, and sign the name of a choir singer Pa was mashed +on, and tell him she was yearning for him to come back to the church, +and that the church seemed a blank without his smiling face, and +benevolent heart, and to please come back for her sake. Pa got the +letters Saturday night and he seemed tickled, but I guess he dreamed +about it all night, and Sunday morning he was mad, and he took me by the +ear and said I couldn't come no 'Daisy' business on him the second time. +He said he knew I wrote the letter, and for me to go up to the store +room and prepare for the almightiest licking a boy ever had, and he +went down stairs and broke up an apple barrel and got a stave to whip me +with. Well, I had to think mighty quick, but I was enough for him. I got +a dried bladder in my room, one that me and my chum got to the slotter +house, and blowed it partly up, so it would be sort of flat-like, and I +put it down inside the back part of my pants, right about where Pa hits +when he punishes me. I knowed when the barrel stave hit the bladder it +would explode. Well, Pa he came up and found me crying. I can cry just +as easy as you can turn on the water at a faucet, and Pa took off his +coat and looked sorry. I was afraid he would give up whipping me when +he see me cry, and I wanted the bladder experiment to go on, so I looked +kind of hard, as if I was defying him to do his worst, and then he took +me by the neck and laid me across a trunk. I didn't dare struggle much +for fear the bladder would loose itself, and Pa said, 'Now Hennery, I am +going to break you of this damfoolishness, or I will break your back,' +and he spit on his hands and brought the barrel stave down on my best +pants. Well, you'd a dide if you had heard the explosion. It almost +knocked me off the trunk. It sounded like firing a firecracker away down +cellar in a barrel, and Pa looked scared. I rolled off the trunk, on the +floor, and put some flour on my face, to make me look pale, and then I +kind of kicked my legs like a fellow who is dying on the stage, after +being stabbed with a piece of lath, and groaned, and said, 'Pa you have +killed me, but I forgive you,' and then rolled around, and frothed at +the mouth, cause I had a piece of soap in my mouth to make foam. Well, +Pa, was all broke up. He said, 'Great God, what have I done? I have +broke his spinal column. O, my poor boy, do not die?' I kept chewing +the soap and foaming at the mouth, and I drew my legs up and kicked them +out, and clutched my hair, and rolled my eyes, and then kicked Pa in the +stummick as he bent over me, and knocked his breath out of him, and then +my limbs began to get rigid, and I said, 'Too late, Pa, I die at the +hand of an assassin. Go for a doctor.'” + +[Illustration: Too late, Pa, I die at the hand of an assassin p127] + +“Pa throwed his coat over me, and started down stairs on a run, 'I have +murdered my brave boy,' and he told Ma to go up stairs and stay with me, +cause I had fallen off a trunk and ruptured a blood vessel, and he went +after a doctor. When he went out the front door, I sat up and lit a +cigarette, and Ma came up and I told her all about how I fooled Pa, and +if she would take on and cry, when Pa got back, I would get him to go to +church again, and swear off drinking and she said she would. + +“So when Pa and the doc. came back, Ma was sitting on a velocipede I used +to ride, which was in the store-room, and she had her apron over her +face, and she just more than bellowed. Pa he was pale, and he told the +doc. he was just a playing with me with a little piece of board, and he +heard something crack, and he guessed my spine got broke falling off the +trunk. The doctor wanted to feel where my spine was broke, but I opened +my eyes and had a vacant kind of stare, like a woman who leads a dog +by a string, and looked as though my mind was wandering, and I told the +doctor there was no use setting my spine, as it was broke in several +places, and I wouldn't let him feel of the dried bladder. I told Pa I +was going to die, and I wanted him to promise me two things on my dying +bed. He cried and said he would, and I told him to promise me he would +quit drinking, and attend church regular, and he said he would never +drink another drop, and would go to church every Sunday. I made him get +down on his knees beside me and swear it, and the doc. witnessed it, and +Ma said she was so glad, and Ma called the doctor out in in the hall and +told him the joke, and the doc. came in and told Pa he was afraid Pa's +presence would excite the patient, and for him to put on his coat and +go out and walk around the block, or go to church, and Ma and he would +remove me to another room, and do all that was possible to make my last +hours pleasant. Pa he cried, and said he would put on his plug hat and +go to church, and he kissed me, and got flour on his nose, and I came +near laughing right out, to see the white flour on his red nose, when +I thought how the people in church would laugh at Pa. But he went out +feeling mighty bad, and then I got up and pulled the bladder out of my +pants, and Ma and the doc. laughed awful. When Pa got back from church +and asked for me, Ma said that I had gone down town. She said the doctor +found my spine was only uncoupled and he coupled it together, and I was +all right. Pa said it was 'almighty strange, cause I heard the spine +break, when I struck him with the barrel stave.' Pa was nervous all the +afternoon, and Ma thinks he suspects that we played it on him. Say, you +don't think there is any harm in playing it on an old man a little for a +good cause, do you?” + +The grocery man said he supposed, in the interest of reform it was all +right, but if it was his boy that played such tricks he would take an +ax to him, and the boy went out, apparently encouraged, saying he hadn't +seen the old man since the day before, and he was almost afraid to meet +him. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + HIS PA MORTIFIED--SEARCHING FOR SEWER GAS--THE POWERFUL ODOR + OF LIMBERGER CHEESE AT CHURCH--THE AFTER MEETING--FUMIGATING + THE HOUSE--THE BAD BOY RESOLVES TO BOARD AT AN HOTEL. + +“What was the health officer doing over to your house this morning?” + said the grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth was firing frozen +potatoes at the man who collects garbage in the alley. + +“O, they are searching for sewer gas and such things, and they have got +plumbers and other society experts till you can't rest, and I came away +for fear they would find the sewer gas and warm my jacket. Say, do you +think it is right, when anything smells awfully, to always lay it to a +boy?” + +“Well, in nine cases out of ten they would hit it right, but what do you +think is the trouble over to your house, honest?” + +“S-h-h! Now don't breathe a word of it to a living soul, or I am a dead +boy. You see I was over to the dairy fair at the exposition building +Saturday night, and when they were breaking up, me and my chum helped to +carry boxes of cheese and firkins of butter, and a cheese-man gave +each of us a piece of limberger cheese, wrapped up in tin foil. Sunday +morning I opened my piece, and it made me tired. O, it was the offulest +smell I ever heard of, except the smell when they found a tramp who hung +himself in the woods on the Whitefish Bay road, and had been dead three +weeks. It was just like a old back number funeral. Pa and Ma were just +getting ready to go to church, and I cut off a piece of cheese and put +it in the inside pocket of Pa's vest, and I put another in the lining of +Ma's muff, and they went to church. I went down to church, too, and +sat on a back seat with my chum, looking just as pious as though I was +taking up a collection. The church was pretty warm, and by the time they +got up to sing the first hymn Pa's cheese began to smell a match against +Ma's cheese.” + +[Illustration: Just as I am p131] + +“Pa held one side of the hymn book and Ma held the other, and Pa he +always sings for all that is out, and when he braced himself and sang +“Just as I am,” Ma thought Pa's voice was tinctured a little with +biliousness and she looked at him, and hunched him and told him to stop +singing and breathe through his nose, cause his breath was enough to +stop a clock. Pa stopped singing and turned around kind of cross towards +Ma, and then he smelled Ma's cheese, and He turned his head the other +way and said, 'whew,' and they didn't sing any more, but they looked at +each other as though they smelled frowy. When they sat down they sat as +far apart as they could get, and Pa sat next to a woman who used to be a +nurse in a hospital, and when she smelled Pa's cheese she looked at +him as though she thought he had the small pox, and she held her +handkerchief to her nose. The man in the other end of the pew, that Ma +sat near, he was a stranger from Racine, who belongs to our church, and +he looked at Ma sort of queer, and after the minister prayed, and they +got up to sing again, the man took his hat and went out, and when he +came by me he said something in a whisper about a female glue factory. + +“Well, sir, before the sermon was over everybody in that part of the +church had their handkerchiefs to their noses, and they looked at Pa and +Ma scandalous, and the two ushers they come around in the pews looking +for a dog, and when the minister got over his sermon, and wiped the +perspiration off his face, he said he would like to have the trustees of +the church stay after meeting, as there was some business of importance +to transact. He said the question of proper ventilation and sewerage for +the church would be brought up, and that he presumed the congregation +had noticed this morning that the church was unusually full of sewer +gas. He said he had spoken of the matter before, and expected it would +be attended to before this. He said he was a meek and humble follower of +the lamb, and was willing to cast his lot wherever the Master decided, +but he would be blessed if he would preach any longer in a church that +smelled like a bone boiling establishment. He said religion was a good +thing, but no person could enjoy religion as well in a fat rending +establishment as he could in a flower garden, and as far as he was +concerned he had got enough. Everybody looked at everybody else, and +Pa looked at Ma as though he knew where the sewer gas came from, and Ma +looked at Pa real mad, and me and my chum lit out, and I went home and +distributed my cheese all around. I put a slice in Ma's bureau drawer, +down under her underclothes, and a piece in the spare room, under the +bed, and a piece in the bath-room, in the soap dish, and a slice in the +album on the parlor table, and a piece in the library in a book, and +I went to the dining room and put some under the table, and dropped a +piece under the range in the kitchen. I tell you the house was loaded +for bear. Ma came home from church first, and when I asked where Pa was, +she said she hoped he had gone to walk around a block to air hisself. Pa +came home to dinner, and when he got a smell of the house he opened all +the doors, and Ma put a comfortable around her shoulders and told Pa +he was a disgrace to civilization. She tried to get Pa to drink some +carbolic acid. Pa finally convinced Ma it was not him, and then they +decided it was the house that smelled so, as well as the church, and all +Sunday afternoon they went visiting, and this morning Pa went down to +the health office and got the inspector of nuisances to come up to the +house, and when he smelled around a spell he said there was dead rats +in the main sewer pipe, and they sent for plumbers, and Ma went out to a +neighbors to borry some fresh air, and when the plumbers began to dig +up the floor in the basement I came over here. If they find any of that +limberg cheese it will go hard with me. The hired girls have both quit, +and Ma says she is going to break up keeping house and board. That is +just into my hand, I want to board at a hotel, where you can have a +bill-of-fare and tooth picks, and billiards, and everything. Well I +guess I will go over to the house and stand in the back door and listen +to the mocking bird. If you see me come flying out of the alley with my +coat tail full of boots you can bet they have discovered the sewer gas.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + HIS PA BROKE UP--THE BAD BOY DON'T THINK THE GROCER FIT FOH + HEAVEN--HE IS VERY SEVERE ON HIS OLD FRIEND--THE NEED OF A + NEW REVISED EDITION--THE BAD BOY TURNS REVISER--HIS PA + REACHES FOR THE POKER--A SPECIAL PROVIDENCE--THE SLED + SLEWED!--HIS PA UNDER THE MULES. + +“Well, I guess I will go to hell. I will see you later,” said the bad +boy to the grocery man, as he held a cracker under the faucet of the +syrup keg, and then sat down on a soap box by the stove and proceeded +to make a lunch, while the grocery man charged the boy's father with a +gallon of syrup and a pound of crackers. + +“What do you mean, you profane wretch, talking about meeting me later +in Hades,” said the indignant grocery man. “I expect to pass by the hot +place where you are sizzling, and go to the realms of bliss, where +there is one continued round of hap-hiness, and angels playing on golden +harps, and singing hymns of praise.” + +“Why, Pa says I will surely go to hell, and I thought you would probably +be there, as it costs something to get to heaven, and you can get to the +other place for nothing. Say, you would be a healthy delegate to go +to heaven, with a lot of girl angels, wouldn't you, smelling of frowy +butter, as you always do, and kerosene, and herring, and bar soap, and +cheese, and rotten potatoes. Say, an angel wouldn't stay on the same +golden street with you, without holding her handkerchief to her nose, +and you couldn't get in there, anyway, cause you would want to pay your +entrance fee out of the store. + +“Say, you get out of here, condemn you. You are getting sassy. There is +no one that is more free hearted than I am,” said the grocery man. + +“O, give us a _siesta_. I am onto you bigger than an elevator. When they +had the oyster sociable at the church, you gave four pounds of musty +crackers with worms in, and they tasted of kerosene, and when the +minister prayed for those who had generously contributed to the +sociable, you raised up your head as though you wanted them all to +know he meant you. If a man can get to heaven on four pounds of musty +crackers, done up in a paper that has been around mackerel, then what's +the use of a man being good, and giving sixteen ounces to the pound? +But, there, don't blush, and cry. I will use my influence to get your +feet onto the golden streets of the New Jerusalem, but you have got to +quit sending those small potatoes to our house, with a few big ones on +top of the basket. I'll tell you how it was that Pa told me I would go +to hell. You see Pa has been reading out of an old back number bible, +and Ma and me argued with him about getting a new revised edition. +We told him that the old one was all out of style, and that all the +neighbors had the newest cut in bibles, with dolman sleeves, and +gathered in the back, and they put on style over us, and we could not +hold up our heads in society when it was known that we were wearing +the old last year's bible. Pa kicked against it, but finally got one. +I thought I had as much right to change things in the revised bible, as +the other fellows had to change the old one, so I pasted some mottoes +and patent medicine advertisements in it, after the verses. Pa never +reads a whole chapter, but reads a verse or two and skips around. Before +breakfast, the other morning, Pa got the new bible and started to read +the ten commandments, and some other things. The first thing Pa struck +was, 'Verily I say unto you, try St. Jacobs oil for rheumatism.' Pa +looked over his specks at Ma, and then looked at me, but I had my face +covered with my hands, sort of pious. Pa said he didn't think it was +just the thing to put advertisements in the bible, but Ma said she +didn't know as it was any worse than to have a patent medicine notice +next to Beecher's sermon in the religious paper. Pa sighed and turned +over a few leaves, and read, 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, +nor his ox, if you love me as I love you no knife can cut our love in +two.' That last part was a motto that I got out of a paper of candy. Pa +said that the sentiment was good, but he didn't think the revisers had +improved the old commandment very much. Then Pa turned over and read, +'Take a little wine for the stomach's sake, and keep a bottle of Reed's +Gilt Edged tonic on your side-board, and you can defy malaria, and +chills and fever.' Pa was hot. He looked at it again, and noticed that +the tonic commandment was on yellow paper, and the corner curled up, and +Pa took hold of it, and the paste that I stuck it on with was not good, +and it come off, and when I saw Pa lay down the bible, and put his +spectacles in the case, and reach for the fire poker, I knew he was not +going to pray, and I looked out the window and yelled dog fight, and +I lit out, and Pa followed me as far as the sidewalk, and it was that +morning when it was so slippery, and Pa's feet slipped out from under +him, and he stood on his neck, and slid around on his ear, and the +special providence of sleet on the sidewalk saved me. Say, do you +believe in special providence? What was the use of that sleet on the +sidewalk, if it was not to save sinners?” + +[Illustration: Special Providences for a Bad Boy p138] + +“O, I don't know anything about special providences,” said the grocery +man, “but I know you have got two of your pockets filled with them +boneless raisins since you have been talking, and my opinion is you will +steal. But, say, what is your Pa on crutches for? I see him hobbling +down town this morning. Has he sprained his ankle?” + +“Well, I guess his ankle got sprained with all the rest. You see, my +chum and me went bobbing, and Pa said he supposed he used to be the +greatest bobber, when he was a boy, that ever was. He said he used to +slide down a hill that was steeper than a church steeple. We asked him +to go with us, and we went to that street that goes down by the depot, +and we had two sleds hitched together, and there were mor'n a hundred +boys, and Pa wanted to steer, and he got on the front sled, and when we +got about half way down the sled slewed, and my chum and me got off +all right, but Pa got shut up between the two sleds, and the other boys +behind fell over Pa and one sled runner caught him in the trowsers leg, +and dragged him over the slippery ice clear to the bottom, and the whole +lay out run into the street car, and the mules got wild and kicked, and +Pa's suspenders broke, and when my chum and me got down there Pa was +under the car, and a boy's boots was in Pa's shirt bosom, and another +boy was straddle of Pa's neck, and the crowd rushed up from the depot, +and got Pa out, and began to yell 'fire,' and 'police,' and he kicked at +a boy that was trying to get his sled out of the small of Pa's back, and +a policeman came along and pushed Pa and said, 'Go away from here, ye +owld divil, and let the b'ys enjoy themselves,' and he was going to +arrest Pa, when me and my chum told him we would take Pa home. Pa said +the hill was not steep enough for him, or he wouldn't have fell off. He +is offul stiff to-day: but he says he will go skating with us next week, +and show us how to skate. Pa means well, but he don't realize that he is +getting stiff and can't be as kitteny as he used to be. He is very +kind to me, If I had some fathers I would have been a broken backed, +disfigured angel long ago. Don't you think so?” + +The grocery man said he was sure of it, and the boy got out with his +boneless raisins, and pocket full of lump sugar. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + HIS PA GOES SKATING--THE BAD BOY CARVES A TURKEY--HIS PA'S + FAME AS A SKATER--THE OLD MAN ESSAYS TO SKATE ON ROLLERS-- + HIS WILD CAPERS--HE SPREADS HIMSELF--HOLIDAYS A CONDEMNED + NUISANCE--THE BAY BOY'S CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. + +“What is that stuff on your shirt bosom, that looks like soap grease?” + said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came into the grocery the +morning after Christmas. + +The boy looked at his shirt front, put his fingers on the stuff and +smelled of his fingers, and then said, “O, that is nothing but a little +of the turkey dressing and gravy. You see after Pa and I got back from +the roller skating rink yesterday, Pa was all broke up and he couldn't +carve the turkey, and I had to do it, and Pa sat in a stuffed chair with +his head tied up, and a pillow amongst his legs, and he kept complaining +that I didn't do it right. Gol darn a turkey any way. I should think +they would make a turkey flat on the back, so he would lay on a greasy +platter without skating all around the table. It looks easy to see Pa +carve a turkey, but when I speared into the bosom of that turkey, +and began to saw on it, the turkey rolled-around as though it was on +castors, and it was all I could do to keep it out of Ma's lap. But I +rasseled with it till I got off enough white meat for Pa and Ma and dark +meat enough for me, and I dug out the dressing, but most of it flew +into my shirt bosom, cause the string that tied up the place where +the dressing was concealed about the person of the turkey, broke +prematurely, and one oyster hit Pa in the eye, and he said I was as +awkward as a cross-eyed girl trying to kiss a man with a hair lip. If +I ever get to be the head of a family I shall carve turkeys with a corn +sheller.” + +“But what broke your Pa up at the roller skating rink,” asked the +grocery man. + +“O, everything broke him up. He is, split up so Ma buttons the top +of his pants to his collar button, like a by cycle rider. Well, he no +business to have told me and my chum that he used to be the best skater +in North America, when he was a boy. He said he skated once from Albany +to New York in an hour and eighty minutes. Me and my chum thought if Pa +was such a terror on skates we would get him to put on a pair of roller +skates and enter him as the “great unknown,” and clean out the whole +gang. We told Pa that he must remember that roller skates were different +from ice skates, and that maybe he couldn't skate on them, but he +said it didn't make any difference what they were as long as they were +skates, and he would just paralyze the whole crowd. So we got a pair of +big roller skates for him, and while we were strapping them on, Pa +he looked at the skaters glide around on the smooth wax floor just as +though they were greased. Pa looked at the skates on his feet, after +they were fastened, sort of forlorn like, the way a horse thief does +when they put shackles on his legs, and I told him if he was afraid he +couldn't skate with them we would take them off, but he said he would +beat anybody there was there, or bust a suspender. Then we straightened +Pa up, and pointed him towards the middle of the room, and he said, +“leggo,” and we just give him a little push to start him, and he began +to go. + +“Well, by gosh, you'd a dide to have seen Pa try to stop. You +see, you can't stick in your heel and stop, like you can on ice skates, +and Pa soon found that out, and he began to turn sideways, and then he +threw his arms and walked on his heels, and he lost his hat, and his +eyes began to stick out, cause he was going right towards an iron post. +One arm caught the post and he circled around it a few times, and then +he let go and began to fall, and, sir, he kept falling all across the +room, and everybody got out of the way, except a girl, and Pa grabbed +her by the polonaise, like a drowning man grabs at straws, though there +wasn't any straws in her polonaise as I know of, but Pa just pulled her +along as though she was done up in a shawl-strap, and his feet went out +from under him and he struck on his shoulders and kept a going, with the +girl dragging along like a bundle of clothes.” + +[Illustration: Pa grabbed her by the polonaise p143] + +“If Pa had had another pair of roller skates on his shoulders, and +castors on his ears, he couldn't have slid along any better. Pa is a +short, big man, and as he was rolling along on his back, he looked like +a sofa with castors on being pushed across a room by a girl. Finally Pa +came to the wall and had to stop, and the girl fell right across him, +with her roller skates in his neck, and she called him an old brute, and +told him if he didn't let go of her polonaise she would murder him. Just +then my chum and me got there and we amputated Pa from the girl, and +lifted him up, and told him for heaven's sake to let us take off the +skates, cause he couldn't skate any more than a cow, and Pa was mad and +said for us to let him alone, and he could skate all right, and we let +go and he struck out again. Well, sir, I was ashamed. An old man like Pa +ought to know better than to try to be a boy. This last time Pa said he +was going to spread himself, and if I am any judge of a big spread, he +did spread himself. Somehow the skates had got turned around side-ways +on his feet, and his feet got to going in different directions, and Pa's +feet were getting so far apart that I was afraid I would have two Pa's, +half the size, with one leg apiece. + +“I tried to get him to take up a collection of his legs, and get them +both in the same ward but his arms flew around and one hit me on the +nose, and I thought if he wanted to strike the best friend he had, he +could run his old legs hisself. When he began to seperate I could hear +the bones crack, but maybe it was his pants, but anyway he came down on +the floor like one of these fellows in a circus who spreads hissel, and +he kept going and finally he surrounded an iron post with his legs, and +stopped, and looked pale, and the proprietor of the rink told Pa if he +wanted to give a flying trapeze performance he would have to go to the +gymnasium, and he couldn't skate on his shoulders any more, cause other +skaters were afraid of him. Then Pa said he would kick the liver out of +the proprietor of the rink, and he got up and steaded himself, and then +he tried to kick the man, but both heels went up to wonct, and Pa turned +a back summersault and struck right on his vest in front. I guess it +knocked the breath out of him, for he didn't speak for a few minutes, +and then he wanted to go home, and we put him in a street car, and +he laid down on the hay and rode home. O, the work we had to get Pa's +clothes off. He had cricks in his back, and everywhere, and Ma was +away to one of the neighbors, to look at the presents, and I had to +put liniment on Pa, and I made a mistake and got a bottle of furniture +polish, and put it on Pa and rubbed it in, and when Ma came home, Pa +smelled like a coffin at a charity funeral, and Ma said there was no way +of getting that varnish off of Pa till it wore off. Pa says holidays are +a condemned nuisance anyway. He will have to stay in the house all this +week. + +“You are pretty rough on the old man,” said the grocery man, “after he +has been so kind to you and given you nice presents.” + +“Nice presents nothin. All I got was a 'come to Jesus' Christmas +card, with brindle fringe, from Ma, and Pa gave me a pair of his old +suspenders, and a calender with mottoes for every month, some quotations +from scripture, such as 'honorthy father and mother,' and 'evil +communications corrupt two in the bush,' and 'a bird in the hand beats +two pair.' Such things don't help a boy to be good. What a boy wants is +club skates, and seven shot revolvers, and such things. Well, I must +go and help Pa roll over in bed, and put on a new porous plaster. Good +bye.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + + HIS PA GOES CALLING--HIS PA STARTS FORTH--A PICTURE OF THE + OLD MAN “FULL “--POLITENESS AT A WINTER PICNIC--ASSAULTED BY + SANDBAGGERS--RESOLVED TO DRINK NO MORE COFFEE--A GIRL FULL + OF “AIG NOGG.” + +“Say, you are getting too alfired smart,” said the grocery man to the +bad boy as he pushed him into a corner by the molasses barrel, and took +him by the neck and choked him so his eyes stuck out. “You have driven +away several of my best customers, and now, confound you, I am going to +have your life,” and he took up a cheese knife and began to sharpen it +on his boot. + +“What's the--gurgle--matter,” asked the choking boy, as the grocery +man's fingers let up on his throat a little, so he could speak. “I haint +done nothin.” + +“Didn't you hang up that dead gray torn cat by the heels, in front of +my store, with the rabbits I had for sale? I didn't notice it until +the minister called me out in front of the store, and pointing to the +rabbits, asked what good fat cats were selling for. By crimus, this +thing has got to stop. You have got to move out of this ward or I will.” + +The boy got his breath and said it wasn't him that put the cat up there. +He said it was the policeman, and he and his chum saw him do it, and he +just come in to tell the grocery man about it, and before he could speak +he had his neck nearly pulled off. The boy began to cry, and the grocery +man said he was only joking, and gave him a box of sardines, and they +made up. Then he asked the boy how his Pa put in his New Years, and the +boy sighed and said: + +“We had a sad time at our house New Years. Pa insisted on making calls, +and Ma and me tried to prevent it, but he said he was of age, and +guessed he could make calls if he wanted to, so he looked at the morning +paper and got the names of all the places where they were going to +receive, and he turned his paper collar, and changed ends with his +cuffs, and put some arnica on his handkerchief, and started out. Ma told +him not to drink anything, and he said he wouldn't, but he did. He was +full the third place he went to. O, so full. Some men can get full +and not show it, but when Pa gets full, he gets so full his back teeth +float, and the liquor crowds his eyes out, and his mouth gets loose +and wiggles all over his face, and he laughs all the time, and the +perspiration just oozes out of him, and his face gets red, and he walks +_so_ wide. O, he disgraced us all. At one place he wished the hired girl +a happy new year more than twenty times, and hung his hat on her elbow, +and tried to put on a rubber hall mat for his over shoes. At another +place he walked up a lady's train, and carried away a card basket full +of bananas and oranges. Ma wanted my chum and me to follow Pa and bring +him home, and about dark we found him in the door yard of a house where +they have statues in front of the house, and he grabbed me by the arm, +and mistook me for another caller, and insisted on introducing me to a +marble statue without any clothes on. He said it was a friend of his, +and it was a winter picnic.” + +[Illustration: Happy New Year Mum p149] + +“He hung his hat on an evergreen, and put his overcoat on the iron fence, +and I was so mortified I almost cried. My chum said if his Pa made such +a circus of himself he would sand bag him. That gave me an idea, and +when we got Pa most home I went and got a paper box covered with red +paper, so it looked just like a brick, and a bottle of tomato ketchup, +and when we got Pa up on the steps at home I hit him with the paper +brick, and my chum squirted the ketchup on his head, and we demanded +his money, and then he yelled murder, and we lit out, and Ma and the +minister, who was making a call on her, all the afternoon; they came +to the door and pulled Pa in. He said he had been attacked by a band of +robbers, and they knocked his brains out, but he whipped them, and then +Ma saw the ketchup brains oozing out of his head, and she screamed, and +the minister said, 'Good heavens he is murdered,' and just then I came +in the back door and they sent me after the doctor, and they put him on +the lounge, and tied up his head with a towel to keep the brains in, and +Pa began to snore, and when the doctor came in it took them half an hour +to wake him, and then he was awful sick to his stummick, and then Ma +asked the doctor if he would live, and the doc. analyzed the ketchup +and smelled of it and told Ma he would be all right if he had a little +Worcester sauce to put on with the ketchup, and when he said Pa would +pull through, Ma looked awful sad. Then Pa opened his eyes and saw the +minister and said that was one of the robbers that jumped on him, and he +wanted to whip the minister, but the doc. held Pa's arms and Ma sat on +his legs, and the minister said he had got some other calls to make, and +he wished Ma a happy new year in the hall, much as fifteen minutes. His +happy new year to Ma is most as long as his prayers. Well, we got Pa to +bed, and when we undressed him we found nine napkins in the bosom of +his vest, that he had picked up at the places where he called. He is all +right this morning, but he says it is the last time he will drink coffee +when he makes New Year's calls.” + +“Well, then you didn't have much fun yourself on New Years. That's too +bad,” said the grocery man, as he looked at the sad eyed youth. “But you +look hard. If you were old enough I should say you had been drunk, your +eyes are so red.” + +“Didn't have any fun eh? Well, I wish I had as many collars as I had +fun. You see, after Pa got to sleep Ma wanted me and my chum to go +to the houses that Pa had called at and return the napkins he had +Kleptomaniaced, so we dressed up and went. The first house we called at +the girls were sort of demoralized. I don't know as I ever saw a girl +drunk, but those girls acted queer. The callers had stopped coming, and +the girls were drinking something out of shaving cups that looked like +lather, and they said it was 'aignogg.' They laffed and kicked up their +heels wuss nor a circus, and their collars got unpinned, and their faces +was red, and they put their arms around me and my chum and hugged us and +asked us if we didn't want some of the custard. You'd a dide to see +me and my chum drink that lather. It looked just like soap suds with +nutmaig in it, but by gosh it got in its work sudden. At first I was +afraid when the girls hugged me, but after I had drank a couple of +shaving cups full of the 'aignogg' I wasn't afraid no more, and I hugged +a girl so hard she catched her breath and panted and said, 'O, don't.' +Then I kissed her, and she is a great big girl, bigger'n me, but she +didn't care. Say, did you ever kiss a girl full of aignogg? If you did +it would break up your grocery business. You would want to waller in +bliss instead of selling mackerel. My chum ain't no slouch either. He +was sitting in a stuffed chair holding another New Year's girl, and I +could hear him kiss her so it sounded like a cutter scraping on bare +ground. But the girl's Pa came in and said he guessed it was time to +close the place, unless they had a license for an all night house, and +me and my chum went out. But _wasn't_ we sick when we got out doors. O, +it seemed as though the pegs in my boots was the only thing that kept +them down, and my chum he like to dide. He had been to dinner and supper +and I had only been skating all day, so he had more to contend with than +I did. O, my, but that lets me out on aignogg. I don't know how I got +home, but I got in bed with Pa, cause Ma was called away to attend a +baby matinee in the night. I don't know how it is, but there never is +anybody in our part of the town that has a baby but they have it in the +night, and they send for Ma. I don't know what she has to be sent for +every time for. Ma ain't to blame for all the young ones in this town, +but she has got up a reputashun, and when we hear the bell ring in the +night Ma gets up and begins to put on her clothes, and the next morning +she comes in the dining room with a shawl over her head, and says, 'its +a girl and weighs ten pounds,' or a boy, if its a boy baby. Ma was out +on one of her professional engagements, and I got in bed with Pa. I had +heard Pa blame Ma about her cold feet, so I got a piece of ice about as +big as a raisin box, just zactly like one of Ma's feet, and I laid +it right against the small of Pa's back. I couldn't help laffing, but +pretty soon Pa began to squirm and he said, 'Why'n 'ell don't you warm +them feet before you come to bed,' and then he hauled back his leg and +kicked me clear out in the middle of the floor, and said if he married +again he would marry a woman who had lost both of her feet in a railroad +accident. Then I put the ice back in the bed with Pa and went to my +room, and in the morning Pa said he sweat more'n a pail full in the +night. Well, you must excuse me, I have an engagement to shovel snow off +the side-walk. But before I go, let me advise you not to drink aignogg, +and don't sell torn cats for rabbits,” and he got out the door just in +time to miss the rutabaga that the grocery man threw at him. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + + HIS PA DISSECTED--THE MISERIES OP THE MUMPS--NO PICKLES + THANK YOU--ONE MORE EFFORT TO REFORM THE OLD MAN--THE BAD + BOY PLAYS MEDICAL STUDENT--PROCEEDS TO DISSECT HIS PA-- + “GENTLEMEN I AM NOT DEAD!”--SAVED FROM THE SCALPEL!--“NO + MORE WHISKY FOR YOU.” + +“I understand your Pa has got to drinking again like a fish,” says the +grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth came in the grocery and took +a handful of dried apples. The boy ate a dried apple and then made up +a terrible face, and the grocery man asked him what he was trying to do +with his face. The boy caught his breath and then said: + +“Say, don't you know any better than to keep dried apples where a boy +can get hold of them when he has got the mumps? You will kill some boy +yet by such dum carelessness. I thought these were sweet dried apples, +but they are sour as a boarding house keeper, and they make me tired. +Didn't you ever have the mumps? Gosh, but don't it hurt though? You +have got to be darn careful when you have the mumps, and not go out +bob-sledding, or skating, or you will have your neck swell up biggern a +milk pail. Pa says he had the mumps once when he was a boy and it broke +him all up. + +“Well, never mind the mumps, how about your Pa spreeing it. Try one of +those pickles in the jar there, wont you. I always like to have a boy +enjoy himself when he comes to see me,” said the grocery man, winking to +a man who was filling and old fashioned tin box with tobacco out of the +pail, who winked back as much as to say, “if that boy eats a pickle on +top of them mumps we will have a circus, sure.” + +“You can't play no pickle on me, not when I have the mumps. Ma passed +the pickles to me this morning, and I took one mouthful, and like to had +the lockjaw. But Ma didn't do it on purpose, I guess. She never had the +mumps and didn't know how discouraging a pickle is. Darn if I didn't +feel as though I had been struck in the butt of the ear with a brick. +But about Pa. He has been fuller'n a goose ever since New Year's day. I +think its wrong for women to tempt feeble minded persons with liquor +on New Year's. Now me and my chum, we can take a drink and then let it +alone. We have got brain, and know when we have got enough, but Pa, when +he gets to going don't ever stop until he gets so sick that he can't +keep his stummick inside of hisself. It is getting so they look to me to +brace Pa up every time he gets on a tear, and I guess I fixed him this +time so he will never touch liquor again. I scared him so his bald head +turned gray in a singe night. + +“What under the heavens have you done to him now?” says the grocery man, +in astonishment. “I hope you haven't done anything you will regret in +after years.” + +“Regret nothing,” said the boy, as he turned the lid of the cheese box +back and took the knife and sliced off a piece of cheese, and took a few +crackers out of a barrel, and sat down on a soap box by the stove, “You +see Ma was annoyed to death with Pa. He would come home full, when she +had company, and lay down on the sofa and snore, and he would smell like +a distillery. It hurt me to see Ma cry, and I told her I would break Pa +of drinking if she would let me, and she said if I would promise not +to hurt Pa to go ahead, and I promised not to. Then I got my chum and +another boy, quite a big boy, to help, and Pa is all right. We went down +to the place where they sell arms and legs, to folks who have served in +the army, or a saw mill, or a thrashing machine, and lost their limbs, +and we borrowed some arms and legs, and fixed up a dissecting room. +We fixed a long table in the basement, big enough to lay Pa out on you +know, and then we got false whiskers and moustaches, and when Pa came in +the house drunk and laid down on the sofa, and got to sleep we took +him and laid him out on the table, and took some trunk straps, and a +sircingle and strapped him down to the table. He slept right along all +through it, and we had another table with the false arms and legs on, +and we rolled up our sleeves, and smoked pipes, Just like I read that +medical students do when they cut up a man. Well, you'd a dide to see Pa +look at us when he woke up. I saw him open his eyes, and then we began +to talk about cutting up dead men. We put hickory nuts in our mouths +so our voices would sound different, so he wouldn't know us, and I was +telling the other boys about what a time we had cutting up the last man +we bought. I said he was awful tough, and when we had got his legs off +and had taken out his brain, his friends come to the dissecting room +and claimed the body, and we had to give it up, but I saved the legs. +I looked at Pa on the table and he began to turn pale, and he squirmed +around to get up, but found he was fast. I had pulled his shirt up under +his arms, while he was asleep, and as he began to move I took an icicle, +and in the dim light of the candles, that were sitting on the table in +beer bottles, I drew the icicle across Pa's stummick and I said to my +chum, 'Doc, I guess we had better cut open this old duffer and see if +he died from inflamation of the stummick, from hard drinking, as the +coroner said he did.' Pa shuddered all over when he felt the icicle +going over his bare stummick, and he said, 'For God's sake, gentlemen, +what does this mean? I am not dead.'” + +“The other boys looked at Pa with astonishment, and I said 'Well, we +bought you for dead, and the coroner's jury said you were dead, and by +the eternal we ain't going to be fooled out of a corpse when we buy +one, are we Doc?' My chum said not if he knowed his self, and the other +students said, 'Of course he is dead. He thinks he is alive, but he died +day before yesterday, fell dead on the street, and his folks said he had +been a nuisance and they wouldn't claim the corpse, and we bought it +at the morgue. Then I drew the icicle across him again, and I said, 'I +don't know about this, doctor. I find that blood follows the scalpel as +I cut through the cuticle. Hand me the blood sponge please.' Pa began to +wiggle around, and we looked at him, and my chum raised his eye-lid, and +looked solemn, and Pa said, 'Hold on, gentlemen. Don't cut into me any +more, and I can explain this matter. This is all a mistake. I was only +drunk.' We went in a corner and whispered, and Pa kept talking all the +time. He said if we would postpone the hog killing he could send and get +witnesses to prove that he was not dead, but that he was a respectable +citizen, and had a family. After we held a consultation I went to Pa +and told him that what he said about being alive might possibly be true, +though we had our doubts. We had found such cases before in our practice +east, where men seemed to be alive, but it was only temporary. Before +we had got them cut up they were dead enough for all practical purposes. +Then I laid the icicle across Pa's abdomen, and went on to tell him +that even if he was alive it would be better for him to play that he +was dead, because he was such a nuisance to his family that they did not +want him, and I was telling him that I had heard that in his lifetime he +was very cruel to his boy, a bright little fellow who was at the head +of his class in Sunday school and a pet wherever he was known, when Pa +interrupted me and said, 'Doctor, please take that carving knife off +my stomach, for it makes me nervous. As for that boy of mine, he is the +condemndest little whelp in town, and he isn't no pet anywhere. Now, you +let up on this dissectin' business, and I will make it all right with +you.' We held another consultation and then I told Pa that we did not +feel that it was doing justice to society to give up the body of a +notorious drunkard, after we had paid twenty dollars for the corpse. If +there was any hopes that he would reform and try and lead a different +life, it would be different, and I said to the boys, 'gentlemen, we +must do our duty. Doc, you dismember that leg, and I will attend to the +stomach and the upper part of the body. He will be dead before we are +done with him. We must remember that society has some claims on us, and +not let our better natures be worked upon by the _post mortem_ promises +of a dead drunkard.' Then I took my icicle and began fumbling around the +abdomen portion of Pa's remains, and my chum took a rough piece of ice +and began to saw his leg off, while the other boy took hold of the leg +and said he would catch it when it dropped off. Well, Pa kicked like +a steer. He said he wanted to make one more appeal to us, and we acted +sort of impatient but we let up to hear what he had to say. He said if we +would turn him loose he would give us ten dollars more than we paid, +for his body, and that he would, never drink, another drop as long as +he lived. Then we whispered some more and then told him we thought +favorably of his last proposition, but he must swear, with his hand on +the leg of a corpse we were then dissecting that he would never drink +again, and then he must be blindfolded and be conducted several blocks +away from the dissecting room, before we could turn him loose. He said +that was all right, and so we blindfolded him, and made him take a +bloody oath, with his hand on a piece of ice that we told him was a +piece of another corpse, and then we took him out of the house and +walked him around the block four times, and left him on a corner, after +he had promised to send the money to an address that I gave him. We +told him to stand still five minutes after we left him, then remove the +blindfold, and go home. We watched him, from behind a board fence, and +he took off the handkerchief, looked at the name on a street lamp, and +found he was not far from home. He started off saying 'That's a pretty +narrow escape old man. No more whiskey for you.' I did not see him again +until this morning, and when I asked him where he was last night he +shuddered and said 'none of your darn business. But I never drink any +more, you remember that.' Ma was tickled and she told me I was worth my +weight in gold. Well, good day. That cheese is musty.” And the boy went +and caught on a passing sleigh. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI. + + HIS PA JOINS A TEMPERANCE SOCIETY. THE GROCERY MAN + SYMPATHISES WITH THE OLD MAN--WARNS THE BAD BOY THAT HE MAY + HAVE A STEP-FATHER!--THE BAD BOY SCORNS THE IDEA--INTRODUCES + HIS PA TO THE GRAND “WORTHY DUKE!”--THE SOLEMN OATH--THE + BRAND PLUCKED FROM THE BURNING. + +“Don't you think my Pa is showing his age good deal more than usual?” + asked the bad boy of the grocery man, as he took a smoked herring out of +a box and peeled off the skin with a broken bladed jack-knife, and split +it open and ripped off the bone, threw the head at a cat, and took some +crackers and began to eat.. + +“Well, I don't know but he does look as though he was getting old,” + said the grocery man, as he took a piece of yellow wrapping paper, and +charged the boy's poor old father with a dozen herrings and a pound +of crackers; “But there is no wonder he is getting old. I wouldn't go +through what your father has, the last year, for a million dollars. I +tell you, boy, when your father is dead, and you get a step-father, and +he makes you walk the chalk mark you will realize what a bonanza you +have fooled yourself out of by killing off your father. The way I figure +it, your father will last about six months, and you ought to treat him +right, the little time he has to live.” + +“Well, I am going to,” said the boy, as he picked the herring bones out +of his teeth with a piece of a match that he sharpened with his knife. +“But I don't believe in borrowing trouble about a stepfather so long +before hand. I don't think Ma could get a man to step into Pa's shoes, +as long as I lived, not if she was inlaid with diamonds, and owned a +brewery. There are brave men, I know, that are on the marry, but none of +them would want to be brevet father to a chérubin like me, except he got +pretty good wages. And then, since Pa was dissected he is going to lead +a different life, and I guess I will make a man of him, if he holds out. +We got him to join the Good Templars last night.” + +“No, you don't tell me,” said the grocery man, as he thought that his +trade in cider for mince pies would be cut off. “So you got him into the +Good Templars, eh?” + +“Well, he thinks he has joined the Good Templars, so it is all the same. +You see my chum and me have been going to a private gymnasium, on the +west side kept by a Dutchman, and in a back room he has all the tools +for getting up muscle. There, look at my arm,” said the boy, as he +rolled up his sleeve and showed a muscle about as big is an oyster. +“That is the result of training at the gymnasium. Before I took lessons +I hadn't any more muscle than you have got. Well, the dutchman was going +to a dance on the south side the other night, and he asked my chum to +tend the gymnasium, and I told Pa if he would join the Good Templars +that night there wouldn't be many at the lodge, and he wouldn't be so +embarrassed, and as I was one of the officers of the lodge I would put +it to him light, and he said he would go, so my chum got five other boys +to help us put him through. So we steered him down to the gymnasium, and +made him rap on the storm door outside, and I said who comes there, and +he said it was a pilgrim who wanted to jine our sublime order. I asked +him if he had made up his mind to turn from the ways of a hyena, and +adopt the customs of the truly good, and he said if he knew his own +heart he had, and then I told him to come in out of the snow and take +off his pants. He kicked a little at taking off his pants, because it +was cold out there in the storm door dog house, but I told him they all +had to do it. The princes, potentates and paupers all had to come to +it. He asked me how it was when we initiated women, and I told him women +never took that degree. He pulled of his pants, and wanted a check for +them, but I told him the Grand Mogul would hold his clothes, and then I +blind-folded him, and with a base ball club I pounded on the floor as I +walked around the gymnasium, while the lodge, headed by my chum, sung, +'We wont go home till morning.' I stopped in front of the ice-water tank +and said 'Grand Worthy Duke, I bring before you a pilgrim who has drank +of the dregs until his stomach won't hold water, and who desires +to swear off.' The Grand Mogul asked me if he was worthy and well +qualified, and I told him that he had been drunk more or less since the +reunion last summer, which ought to qualify him. Then the Grand Mogul +made Pa repeat the most blood-curdling oath, in which Pa agreed, if he +ever drank another drop, to allow anybody to pull his toe-nails out with +tweezers, to have his liver dug out and fed to dogs, his head chopped +off, and his eyes removed. Then the Mogul said he would brand the +candidate on the bare back with the initial letters of our order, 'G. +T.,' that all might read how a brand had been snatched from the burning. +You'd a dide to see Pa flinch when I pulled up his shirt, and got ready +to brand him. + +“My chum got a piece of ice out of the water cooler, and just as he +clapped it on Pa's back I burned a piece of horses hoof in the candle +and held it to Pa's nose, and I guess Pa actually thought it was his +burning skin that he smelled. He jumped about six feet and said, 'Great +heavens, what you dewin',' and then he began to roll over a barrel which +I had arranged for him. Pa thought he was going down cellar, and he hung +to the barrel, but he was on top half the time. When Pa and the barrel +got through fighting I was beside him, and I said, 'Calm yourself, and +be prepared for the ordeal that is to follow.' Pa asked how much of this +dum fooling there was, and said he was sorry he joined. He said he could +let licker alone without having the skin all burned off his back. I +told Pa to be brave and not weaken, and all would be well. He wiped the +perspiration off his face on the end of his shirt, and we put a belt +around his body and hitched it to a tackle, and pulled him up so his +feet were just off the floor, and then we talked as though we were +away off, and I told my chum to look out that Pa did not hit the gas +fixtures, and Pa actually thought he was being hauled clear up to the +roof. I could see he was scared by the complexion of his hands and +feet, as they clawed the air. He actually sweat so the drops fell on +the floor. Bime-by we let him down, and he was awfully relieved, though +his feet were not more than two inches from the floor any of the time. +We were just going to slip Pa down a board with slivers in to give him a +realizing sense of the rough road a reformed man has to travel, and got +him straddle of the board, when the dutchman came home from the dance, +fullern a goose, and he drove us boys out, and we left Pa, and the +dutchman said, 'Vot you vas doing here mit dose boys, you old duffer, +and vere vas your pants?' and Pa pulled off the handkerchief from his +eyes, and the dutchman said if he didn't get out in a holy minute he +would kick the stuffing out of him, and Pa got out. He took his pants +and put them on in the alley, and then we come up to Pa and told him +that was the third time the drunken dutchman had broke up our Lodge, +but we should keep on doing good until we had reformed every drunkard in +Milwaukee, and Pa said that was right, and he would see us through if +it cost every dollar he had. Then we took him home, and when Ma asked if +she couldn't join the Lodge too, Pa said, 'Now you take my advice, and +don't you ever join no Good Templars. Your system could not stand the +racket. Say, I want you to put some cold cream on my back.' I think Pa +will be a different man now, don't you?” + +The grocery man said if he was that boy's pa for fifteen minutes he +would be a different boy, or there would be a funeral, and the boy took +a handful of soft-shelled almonds and a few layer raisins and skipped +out. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII. + + HIS PA'S MARVELOUS ESCAPE--THE GROCERY MAN HAS NO VASELINE-- + THE OLD MAN PROVIDES THREE FIRE ESCAPES--ONE OF THE ESCAPES + TESTED--HIS PA SCANDALIZES THE CHURCH--“SHE'S A DARLING!”-- + WORLDLY MUSIC IN THE COURTS OF ZION. + +“Got any vaseline,” said the bad boy to the grocery man, as he went into +the store one cold morning, leaving the door open, and picked up a cigar +stub that had been thrown down near the stove, and began to smoke it. + +“Shut the door, dum you. Was you brought up in a saw mill? You'll freeze +every potato in the house. No, I haven't got vaseline. What do you want +of vaseline?” said the grocery man, as he set the syrup keg on a chair +by the stove where it would thaw out. + +“Want to rub it on Pa's legs,” said the boy, as he tried to draw smoke +through the cigar stub. + +“What is the matter with your Pa's legs? Rheumatiz?” + +“Wuss nor rheumatiz,” said the boy, as he threw away the cigar stub and +drew some cider in a broken tea cup. “Pa has got the worst looking hind +legs you ever saw. You see, since there has been so many fires Pa has +got offul scared, and he has bought three fire escapes, made out of rope +with knots in them, and he has been telling us every day how he could +rescue the whole family in case of fire. He told us to keep cool, +whatever happened, and to rely on him. If the house got on fire we were +all to rush to Pa, and he would save us. Well, last night Ma had to +go to one of the neighbors, where they was going to have twins, and we +didn't sleep much, cause Ma had to come home twice in the night to get +saffron, and an old flannel petticoat that I broke in when I was a kid, +cause the people where Ma went did not know as twins was on the bill +of fare, and they only had flannel petticoats for one. Pa was cross +at being kept awake, and told Ma he hoped when all the children in +Milwaukee were born, and got grown up, she would take in her sign and +not go around nights and act as usher to baby matinees. Pa says there +ought to be a law that babies should arrive on the regular day trains, +and not wait for the midnight express. Well, Pa he got asleep, and +he slept till about eight o'clock in the morning, and the blinds were +closed, and it was dark in his room, and I had to wait for my breakfast +till I was hungry as a wolf, and the girl told me to wake Pa up, so I +went up stairs, and I don't know what made me think of it, but I had +some of this powder they make red fire with in the theatre, that me +and my chum had the 4th of July, and I put it in a washdish in the +bath-room, and I touched it off and hollered fire. I was going to wake +Pa up and tell him it was all right, and laugh at him. I guess there +was too much fire, or I yelled too loud, cause Pa jumped out of bed and +grabbed a rope and rushed through the hall towards the back window, that +goes out on a shed. I tried to say something, but Pa ran over me and +told me to save myself, and I got to the back window to tell him there +was no fire just as he let himself out the window He had one end of the +rope tied to the leg of the washstand, and he was climbing down the back +side of the shed by the kitchen, with nothing on but his nightshirt, and +he was the horriblest looking object ever was, with his legs flying and +trying to stick his toenails into the rope and the side of the house.” + +[Illustration: Pa's Fire escape p169] + +“I dont think a man looks well in society with nothing on but his +nightshirt. I didn't blame the hired girls for being scared when they +saw Pa and his legs coming down outside the window, and when they yelled +I went down to the kitchen, and they said a crazy man with no clothes +but a pillow slip around his neck was trying to kick the window in, +and they run into the parlor, and I opened the door and let Pa in the +kitchen. He asked me if anybody else was saved and then I told him there +was no fire, and he must have dreamed he was in hell, or somewhere. Well +Pa was astonished, and said he must be wrong in the head, and I left him +thawing himself by the stove while I went after his pants, and his legs +were badly chilled, but I guess nothin' was froze. He lays it all to +Ma, and says if she would stay at home and let people run their own baby +shows, there would be more comfort in the house. Ma came in with a shawl +over her head, and a bowl full of something that smelled frowy, and +after she had told us what the result of her visit was, she sent me +after vaseline to rub Pa's legs. Pa says that he has demonstrated that +if a man is cool and collected, in case of fire, and goes deliberately +at work to save himself, he will come out all right.” + +“Well, you are the meanest boy I ever heard of,” said the grocery man. +“But what about your Pa's dancing a clog dance in church Sunday? The +minister's hired girl was in here after some codfish yesterday morning, +and she said the minister said your Pa had scandalized the church the +worst way.” + +“O, he didn't dance in church. He was a little excited, that's all. You +see, Pa chews tobacco, and it is pretty hard on him to sit all through +a sermon without taking a chew, and he gets nervous. He always reaches +around in his pistol pocket, when they stand up to sing the last time, +and feels in his tobacco box and gets out a chew, and puts it in his +mouth when the minister pronounces the benediction, and then when they +get out doors he is all ready to spit. He always does that. Well, my +chum had a present, on Christmas, of a music box, just about as big as +Pa's tobacco box, and all you have to do is to touch a spring and it +plays, 'She's a Daisy, She's a Dumpling.' I borrowed it and put it in +Pa's pistol pocket, where he keeps his tobacco box, and when the choir +got most through singing Pa reached his hand in his pocket and began to +fumble around for a chew. He touched the spring, and just as everybody +bowed their heads to receive the benediction, and it was so still you +could hear a gum drop, the music box began to play, and in the stillness +it sounded as loud as a church organ. Well, I thought Ma would sink. The +minister heard it, and everybody looked at Pa, too, and Pa turned red, +and the music box kept up, 'She's a Daisy,' and the minister looked mad +and said 'Amen,' and the people began to put on their coats, and the +minister told the deacon to hunt up the source of that worldly music, +and they took Pa into the room back of the pulpit and searched him, and +Ma says Pa will have to be churched. They kept the music box, and I have +got to carry in coal to get money enough to buy my chum a new music box. +Well, I shall have to go and get that vaseline or Pa's legs will suffer. +Good day.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII. + + HIS PA JOKES HIM. THE BAD BOY CAUGHT AT LAST--HOW TO GROW A + MOUSTACHE--TAR AND CAYENNE PEPPER--THE GROCERYMAN'S PATE IS + SEALED--FATHER AND SON JOIN IN A PRACTICAL JOKE--SOFT SOAP + ON THE STEPS--DOWN FALL OF MINISTERS AND DEACONS--MA TO THE + RESCUE!--THE BAD BOY GETS EVEN WITH HIS PA. + +“What on earth is that you have got on your upper lip?” said the grocery +man to the bad boy, as he came in and began to peel a rutabaga, and his +upper lip hung down over his teeth, and was covered with something that +looked like shoemaker's wax, “You look as though you had been digging +potatoes with your nose.” + +“O, that is some of Pa's darn smartness. I asked him if he knew anything +that would make a boy's moustache grow, and he told me the best thing +he ever tried was tar, and for me to rub it on thick when I went to bed, +and wash it off in the morning. I put it on last night, and by gosh +I can't wash it off. Pa told me all I had to do was to use a scouring +brick, and it would come off, and I used the brick, and it took the skin +off, and the tar is there yet, and say, does my lip look very bad?” + +The grocery man told him it was the worst looking lip he ever saw, but +he could cure it by rubbing a little cayenne pepper in the tar. He said +the tar would neutralize the pepper, and the pepper would loosen the +tar, and act as a cooling lotion to the lacerated lip. The boy went to +a can of pepper behind the counter, and stuck his finger in and rubbed a +lot of it on his lip, and then his hair began to raise, and he began +to cry, and rushed to the water-pail and ran his face into the water to +wash off the pepper. The grocery man laughed, and when the boy had got +the pepper washed off, and had resumed his rutabaga, he said: + +“That seals your fate. No man ever trifles with the feelings of the bold +buccanneer of the Spanish main, without living to rue it. I will lay for +you, old man, and don't you forget it. Pa thought he was smart when he +got me to put tar on my lip, to bring my moustache out, and to-day he +lays on a bed of pain, and to-morrow your turn will come. You will +regret that you did not get down on your knees and beg my pardon. You +will be sorry that you did not prescribe cold cream for my bruised lip, +instead of cayenne pepper. Beware, you base twelve ounces to the pound +huckster, you gimlet-eyed seller of dog sausage, you sanded sugar idiot, +you small potato three card monte sleight of hand rotton egg fiend, you +villian that sells smoked sturgeon and dogfish for smoked halibut. The +avenger is on your track.” + +“Look here, young man, don't you threaten me, or I will take you by the +ear and walk you through green fields, and beside still waters, to the +front door, and kick your pistol pocket clear around so you can wear it +for a watch pocket in your vest. No boy can frighten me by crimus. But +tell me, how did you get even with your Pa?” + +“Well, give me a glass of cider and we will be friends and I will tell +you. Thanks! Gosh, but that cider is made out of mouldy dried apples and +sewer water,” and he took a handful of layer raisins off the top of a +box to take the taste out of his mouth, and while the grocer charged a +peck of rutabagas, a gallon of cider and two pounds of raisins to the +boy's Pa, the boy proceeded: “You see, Pa likes a joke the best of +anybody you ever saw, if it is on somebody else, but he kicks like a +steer when it is on him. I asked him this morning if it wouldn't be a +good joke to put some soft soap on the front step, so the letter carrier +would slip up and spill his-self, and Pa said it would be elegant. Pa is +a Democrat, and he thinks that anything that will make it unpleasant +for Republican office holders, is legitimate, and he encouraged me to +paralyze the letter-carrier. The letter-carrier is as old a man as Pa, +and I didn't want to humiliate him, but I just wanted Pa to give his +consent, so he couldn't kick if he got caught in his own trap. You +see? + +“Well, this morning the minister and two of the deacons called on +Pa, to have a talk with him about his actions in church, on two or three +occasions, when he pulled out the pack of cards with his handkerchief, +and played the music box, and they had a pretty hot time in the back +parlor, and finally they settled it, and were going to sing a hymn, when +Pa handed them a little hymn book, and the minister opened it and turned +pale and said, 'what's this?' and they looked at it, and it was a book +of Hoyle's games instead of a hymn book. Gosh, wasn't the minister mad! +He had started to read a hymn and he quit after he read two lines where +it said, 'In a game of four-handed euchre, never trump your partner's +ace, but rely on the ace to take the trick on suit.' Pa was trying to +explain how the book came to be there, when the minister and the deacons +started out, and then I poured the two quart tin pail full of soft soap +on the front step. It was this white soap, just the color of the step, +and when I got it spread I went down in the basement. The visitors came +out and Pa was trying to explain to them, about Hoyle, when one of the +deacons stepped in the soap, and his feet flew up and he struck on his +pants and slid down the steps. The minister said 'great heavens, deacon, +are you hurt? let me assist you,' and he took two quick steps, and you +have seen these fellows in a nigger show that kick each other head over +heels and fall on their ears, and stand on their heads and turn around +like a top. The minister's feet slipped and the next I saw he was +standing on his head in his hat, and his legs were sort of wilted and +fell limp by his side, and he fell over on his stomach. You talk about +spreading the gospel in heathen lands. It is nothing to the way you can +spread it with two quarts of soft soap. The minister didn't look pious +a bit, when he was trying to catch the railing he looked as though he +wanted to murder every man on earth, but it may be he was tired. + +“Well, Pa was paralyzed, and he and the other deacon rushed out to pick +up the minister and the first old man, and when they struck the step +they went kiting. Pa's feet somehow slipped backwards, and he turned a +summersault and struck full length on his back, and one heel was across +the minister's neck, and he slid down the steps, and the other deacon +fell all over the other three, and Pa swore at them, and it was the +worst looking lot of pious people I ever saw. I think if the minister +had been in the woods somewhere, where nobody could have heard him, he +would have used language. They all seemed mad at each other. The hired +girl told Ma there was three tramps out on the sidewalk fighting Pa, and +Ma she took the broom and started to help Pa, and I tried to stop Ma, +'cause her constitution is not very strong and I didn't want her to do +any flying trapeze bizness, but I couldn't stop her, and she went out +with the broom and a towel tied around her head. Well, I don't know +where Ma did strike, but when she came in she said she had palpitation +of the heart, but that was not the place where she put the arnica. O, +but she _did_ go through the air like a bullet through cheese, and +when she went down the steps a bumpity-bump, I felt sorry for Ma. +The minister had got so he could set up on the sidewalk, with his back +against the lower step, when Ma came sliding down, and one of the heels +of her gaiters hit the minister in the hair, and the other foot went +right through between his arm and his side, and the broom like to pushed +his teeth down his throat. But he was not mad at Ma. As soon as he see +it was Ma he said, 'Why, sister, the wicked stand in slippery places, +don't they?' and Ma she was mad and said for him to let go her stocking, +and then Pa was mad and he said, 'look-a-here you sky-pilot, this thing +has gone far enough,' and then a policeman came along and first he +thought they were all drunk, but he found they were respectable, and he +got a chip and scraped the soap off of them, and they went home, and Pa +and Ma they got in the house some way, and just then the letter-carrier +came along, but he didn't have any letters for us, and he didn't come +onto the steps, and then I went up stairs and I said, 'Pa, don't you +think it is real mean, after you and I fixed the soap on the steps +for the letter-carrier, he didn't come on the step at all,' and Pa was +scraping the soap off his pants with a piece of shingle, and the hired +girl was putting liniment on Ma, and heating it in for palpitation of +the heart, and Pa said, 'You dam idjut, no more of this, or I'll maul +the liver out of you,' and I asked him if he didn't think soft soap +would help a moustache to grow, and he picked up Ma's work-basket and +threw it at my head, as I went down stairs, and I came over him. Don't +you think my Pa is unreasonable to get mad at a little joke that he +planned himself?” + +The grocery man said he didn't know, and the boy went out with a pair of +skates over his shoulder, and the grocery man is wondering what joke the +boy will play on him to-get even for the cayenne pepper. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV. + + HIS PA GETS MAD--A BOOM IN COURT-PLASTER--THE BAD BOY + DECLINES BEING MAULED!--THE OLD MAN GETS A HOT BOX--THE BAD + BOY BORROWS A CAT!--THE BATTLE!--“HELEN BLAZES”--THE CAT + VICTORIOUS!--THE BAD BOY DRAWS THE LINE AT KINDLING WOOD! + +“I was down to the drug store this morning, and saw your Ma buying a +lot of court-plaster, enough to make a shirt, I should think. What's she +doing with so much court-plaster?” asked the grocery man of the bad boy, +as he came in and pulled off his boots by the stove and emptied out +a lot of snow, that had collected as he walked through a drift, which +melted and made a bad smell. + +“O, I guess she is going to patch Pa up so he will hold water. Pa's +temper got him into the worst muss you ever see, last night. If that +museum was here now they would hire Pa and exhibit him as the tattooed +man. I tell you, I have got too old to be mauled as though I was a kid, +and any man who attacks me from this out, wants to have his peace made +with the insurance companies, and know that his calling and election +is sure, because I am a bad man, and don't you forget it.” And the boy +pulled on his boots and looked so cross and desperate that the grocery +man asked him if he wouldn't try a little new cider. + +“Good heavens!” said the grocery man, as the boy swallowed the +cider, and his face resumed its natural look, and the piratical frown +disappeared with the cider. “You have not stabbed your father, have you? +I have feared that one thing would bring on another, with you, and that +you would yet be hung.” + +“Naw, I haven't stabbed him. It was another cat that stabbed him. You +see, Pa wants me to do all the work around the house. The other day +he bought a load of kindling wood, and told me to carry it into the +basement. I have not been educated up to kindling wood, and I didn't do +it. When supper time came, and Pa found that I had not carried in the +kindling wood, he had a hot box, and he told me if that wood was not in +when he came back from the lodge, that he would warm my jacket. Well, I +tried to hire some one to carry it in, and got a man to promise to come +in the morning and carry it in and take his pay in groceries, and I was +going to buy the groceries here and have them charged to Pa. But that +wouldn't help me out that night. I knew when Pa came home he would +search for me. So I slept in the back hall on a cot. But I didn't want +Pa to have all his trouble for nothing, so I borrowed an old torn cat +that my chum's old maid aunt owns, and put the cat in my bed. I thought +if Pa came in my room after me, and found that by his unkindness I had +changed to a torn cat, he would be sorry. That is the biggest cat +you ever see, and the worst fighter in our ward. It isn't afraid of +anything, and can whip a New Foundland dog quicker than you could put +sand in a barrel of sugar. Well, about eleven o'clock I heard Pa tumble +over the kindling wood, and I knew by the remark he made, as the wood +slid around under him, that there was going to be a cat fight real +quick. He come up to Ma's room, and sounded Ma as to whether Hennery had +retired to his virtuous couch. Pa is awful sarcastic when he tries +to be. I could hear him take off his clothes, and hear him say, as he +picked up a trunk strap, 'I guess I will go up to his room and watch the +smile on his face, as he dreams of angels. I yearn to press him to +my aching bosom. I thought to myself, mebbe you won't yearn so much +directly. He come up stairs, and I could hear him breathing hard. I +looked around the corner and could see he just had on his shirt and +pants, and his suspenders were hanging down, and his bald head shone +like a calcium light just before it explodes. Pa went in my room, and up +to the bed, and I could hear him say, 'Come out here and bring in that +kindling wood, or I will start a fire on your base-burner with this +strap.' And then there was a yowling such as I never heard before, and +Pa said, 'Helen Blazes,' and the furniture in my room began to fall +around and break. O, _my!_ I think Pa took the torn cat right by the +neck, the way he does me, and that left all the cat's feet free to +get in their work. By the way the cat squawled as though it was being +choked, I know Pa had him by the neck. I suppose the cat thought Pa was +a whole flock of New Found-land dogs, and the cat had a record on dogs, +and it kicked awful. Pa's shirt was no protection at all in a cat fight, +and the cat just walked all around Pa's stomach, and Pa yelled 'police,' +and 'fire,' and 'turn on the hose,' and he called Ma, and the cat +yowled. If Pa had had the presence of mind enough to have dropped the +cat, or rolled it up in the mattrass, it would have been all right, but +a man always gets rattled in time of danger, and he held onto the cat +and started down stairs yelling murder, and he met Ma coming up. + +“I guess Ma's night-cap, or something, frightened the cat some more, +cause he stabbed Ma on the night-shirt with one hind foot, and Ma said +'mercy on us,' and she went back, and Pa stumbled on a hand-sled that +was on the stairs, and they all fell down, and the cat got away and went +down in the coal bin and yowled all night. Pa and Ma went into their +room, and I guess they anointed themselves with vasaline, and Pond's +extract, and I went and got into my bed, cause it was cold out in the +hall, and the cat had warmed my bed as well as it had warmed Pa. It was +all I could do to go to sleep, with Pa and Ma talking all night, and +this morning I came down the back stairs, and havn't been to breakfast, +cause I don't want to see Pa when he is vexed. You let the man that +carries in the kindling wood have six shillings worth of groceries, and +charge them to Pa. I have passed the kindling wood period in a boy's +life, and have arrived at the coal period. I will carry in coal, but I +draw the line at kindling wood. + +“Well, you are a cruel, bad boy,” said the grocery man, as he went to +the book and charged the six shillings. + +“O, I don't know. I think Pa is cruel. A man who will take a poor kitty +by the neck, that hasn't done any harm, and tries to chastise the +poor thing with a trunk strap, ought to be looked after by the humane +society. And if it is cruel to take a cat by the neck, how much more +cruel is it to take a boy by the neck, that had diphtheria only a few +years ago, and whose throat is tender. Say, I guess I will accept your +invitation to take breakfast with you,” and the boy cut off a piece of +bologna and helped himself to the crackers, and while the grocery man +was cut shoveling off the snow from the sidewalk, the boy filled his +pockets with raisins and loaf sugar, and then went out to watch the man +carry in his kindling wood. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV. + + HIS PA AN INVENTOR THE BAD BOY A MARTYR--THE DOG-COLLAR IN + THE SAUSAGE--A PATENT STOVE--THE PATENT TESTED!--HIS PA A + BURNT OFFERING--EARLY BREAKFAST! + +“Ha! Ha! Now I have got you,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, the +other morning, as he came in and jumped upon the counter and tied the +end of a ball of twine to the tail of a dog, and “sicked” the dog on +another dog that was following a passing sleigh, causing the twine to +pay out until the whole ball was scattered along the block. “Condemn +you, I've a notion to choke the liver out of you. Who tied that twine to +the dog's tail?” + +The boy choked up with emotion, and the tears came into his eyes, and +he said he didn't know anything about the twine or the dog. He said +he noticed the dog come in, and wag his tail around the twine, but he +supposed the dog was a friend of the family, and did not disturb him. +“Everybody lays everything that is done to me,” said the boy, as he put +his handkerchief to his nose, “and they will be sorry for it when I die. +I have a good notion to poison myself by eating some of your glucose +sugar. + +“Yes, and you do about everything that is mean. The other day a lady +came in and told me to send up to her house some of my country sausage, +done up in muslin bags, and while she was examining it she noticed +something hard inside the bags, and asked me what it was, and I opened +it, and I hope to die if there wasn't a little brass pad-lock and a +piece of a red morocco dog collar imbedded in the sausage. Now how do +you suppose that got in there?” and the grocery man looked savage. + +The boy looked interested, and put on an expression as though in deep +thought, and finally said, “I suppose the farmer that put up the sausage +did not strain the dog meat. Sausage meat ought to be strained.” + +The grocery man pulled in about half a block of twine, after the dog +had run against a fence and broke it, and told the boy he knew perfectly +well how the brass pad-lock came to be in the sausage, but thinking it +was safer to have the good will of the boy than the ill will, he offered +him a handfull of prunes. + +“No,” says the boy, “I have swore off on mouldy prunes. I am no +kinder-garten any more. For years I have eaten rotten peaches around +this store, and everything you couldn't sell, but I have turned over a +new leaf now, and after this nothing is too good for me, Since Pa has +got to be an inventor, we are going to live high.” + +“What's your Pa invented? I saw a hearse and three hacks go up on your +street the other day, and I thought may be you had killed your Pa.” + +“Not much. There will be more than three hacks when I kill Pa, and don't +you forget it. Well, sir, Pa has struck a fortune, if he can make the +thing work. He has got an idea about coal stoves that will bring him +several million dollars, if he gets a royalty of five dollars on every +cook stove in the world. His idea is to have a coal stove on castors +with the pipe made to telescope out and in, and rubber hose for one +joint, so you can pull the stove all around the room and warm any +particular place. Well, sir, to hear Pa tell about it, you would think +it would revolutionize the country, and maybe it will when he gets it +perfected, but he came near burning the house up, and scared us half +to death this morn-ing, and burned his shirt off, and he is all covered +with cotton with sweet oil on, and he smells like salad dressing. + +“You see Pa had a pipe made and some castors put on our coal stove, +and he tied a rope to the hearth of the stove, and had me put in some +kindling wood and coal last night, so he could draw the stove up to the +bed and light the fire without getting up. Ma told him he would put +his foot in it, and he told her to dry up, and let him run the stove +business. He said it took a man with brain to run a patent right, and Ma +she pulled the clothes over her head and let Pa do the fire act. She has +been building the fires for twenty years, and thought she would let Pa +see how good it was. Well, Pa pulled the stove to the bed, and touched +off the kindling wood. I guess maybe I got a bundle of kindling wood +that the hired girl had put kerosene on, cause it blazed up awful and +smoked, and the blaze bursted out the doors and windows of the stove, +and Pa yelled fire, and I jumped out of bed and rushed in and he was the +scartest man you ever see, and you'd a dide to see how he kicked when I +threw a pail of water on his legs and put his shirt out. Ma did not get +burned, but she was pretty wet, and she told Pa she would pay the five +dollars royalty on that stove and take the castors off and let it remain +stationary. Pa says he will make it work if he burns the house down. I +think it was real mean in Pa to get mad at me because I threw cold water +on him instead of warm water, to put his shirt out. If I had waited till +I could heat water to the right temperature I would have been an orphan +and Pa would have been a burnt offering. But some men always kick at +everything. Pa has given up business entirely and says he shall devote +the remainder of his life curing himself of the different troubles +that I get him into. He has retained a doctor by the year, and he buys +liniment by the gallon.” + +“What was it about your folks getting up in the middle of the night to +eat? The hired girl was over here after some soap the other morning, and +she said she was going to leave your house.” + +“Well, that was a picnic. Pa said he wanted breakfast earlier than we +was in the habit of having it, and he said I might see to it that the +house was awake early enough. The other night I awoke with the awfulest +pain you ever heard of. It was that night that you give me and my chum +the bottle of pickled oysters that had begun to work. Well, I couldn't +sleep, and I thought I would call the hired girls, and they got up and +got breakfast to going, and then I rapped on Pa and Ma's door and told +them the breakfast was getting cold, and they got up and came down. We +eat breakfast by gas light, and Pa yawned and said it made a man feel +good to get up and get ready for work before daylight, the way he used +to on the farm, and Ma she yawned and agreed with Pa, 'cause she has to, +or have a row. After breakfast we sat around for an hour, and Pa said +it was a long time getting daylight, and bimeby Pa looked at his watch. +When he began to pull out his watch I lit out and hid in the storeroom, +and pretty soon I heard Pa and Ma come up stairs and go to bed, and then +the hired girls, they went to bed, and when it was all still, and the +pain had stopped inside of my clothes, I went to bed, and I looked +to see what time it was and it was two o'clock in the morning. We got +dinner at eight o'clock in the morning, and Pa said he guessed he would +call up the house after this, so I have lost another job, and it was all +on account of that bottle of pickled oysters you gave me. My chum says +he had colic too, but he didn't call up his folks. It was all he could +do to get up hisself. Why don't you sometimes give away something that +is not spiled?” + +The grocery man said he guessed he knew what to give away, and the boy +went out and hung up a sign in front of the grocery, that he had made on +wrapping paper with red chalk, which read, “Rotten eggs, good enough for +custard pies, for 18 cents a dozen.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI. + + HIS PA GETS BOXED--A PARROT FOR SALE--THE OLD MAN IS DOWN ON + THE GROCER--“A CONTRITE HEART BEATS A BOB-TAIL FLUSH!”-- + POLLLY'S RESPONSES--CAN A PARROT GO TO HELL?--THE OLD MAN + GETS ANOTHER BLACK EYE--DUFFY HITS FOR KEEPS--NOTHING LIKE + AN OYSTER FOR A BLACK EYE. + +“You don't want to buy a good parrot, do you,” said the bad boy to the +grocery man, as he put his wet mittens on the top of the stove to dry, +and kept his back to the stove so he could watch the grocery man, and be +prepared for a kick, if the man should remember the rotten egg sign that +the boy put up in front of the grocery, last week. + +“Naw, I don't want no parrot. I had rather have a fool boy around than +a parrot. But what's the matter with your Ma's parrot? I thought she +wouldn't part with him for anything.” + +“Well, she wouldn't until Wednesday night; but now she says she will not +have him around, and I may have half I can get for him. She told me +to go to some saloon, or some disreputable place and sell him, and I +thought maybe he would about suit you,” and the boy broke into a +bunch of celery, and took out a few tender stalks and rubbed them on a +codfish, to salt them, and began to bite the stalks, while he held the +sole of one wet boot up against the stove to dry it, making a smell of +burned leather that came near turning the stomach of the cigar sign. + +“Look-a-here, boy, don't you call this a disreputable place. Some of the +best people in this town come here,” said the grocery man, as he held up +the cheese-knife and grated his teeth as though he would like to jab it +into, the youth. + +“O, that's all right, they come here 'cause you trust; but you make up +what you lose by charging it to other people. Pa will make it hot +for you the last of the week. He has been looking over your bill, and +comparing it with the hired girl, and she says we haven't ever had a +prune, or a dried apple, or a raisin, or any cinnamon, or crackers +and cheese out of your store, and he says you are worse than the James +Brothers, and that you used to be a three card monte man; and he will +have you arrested for highway robbery, but you can settle that with +Pa. I like you, because you are no ordinary sneak thief. You are a +high-toned, gentlemanly sort of a bilk, and wouldn't take anything you +couldn't lift. O, keep your seat, and don't get excited. It does a man +good to hear the truth from one who has got the nerve to tell it. + +“But about the parrot. Ma has been away from home for a week, having a +high old time in Chicago, going to theatres and things, and while she +was gone, I guess the hired girl or somebody learned the parrot some new +things to say. A parrot that can only say 'Polly wants a cracker,' dont +amount to anything--what we need is new style parrots that can converse +on the topics of the day, and say things original. Well, when Ma got +back, I guess her conscience hurt her for the way she had been carrying +on in Chicago, and so when she heard the basement of the church was +being frescoed, she invited the committee to hold the Wednesday evening +prayer meeting at our house. First, there were four people came, and +Ma asked Pa to stay to make up a quorum, and Pa said seeing he had two +pair, he guessed he would stay in, and if Ma would deal him a queen he +would have a full hand. I don't know what Pa meant; but he plays draw +poker sometimes. Anyway, there was eleven people came, including the +minister, and after they had talked about the neighbors a spell, and Ma +had showed the women a new tidy she had worked for the heathen, with +a motto on it which Pa had taught her: 'A contrite heart beats a +bob-tailed flush,'--and Pa had talked to the men about a religious +silver mine he was selling stock in, which he advised them as a friend +to buy for the glory of the church, they all went in the back parlor, +and the minister led in prayer. He got down on his knees right under the +parrot's cage, and you'd a dide to see Polly hang on to the wires of the +cage with one foot, and drop an apple core on the minister's head. Ma +shook her handkerchief at Polly, and looked sassy, and Polly got up on +the perch, and as the minister got warmed up, and began to raise the +roof, Polly said, 'O, dry up.' The minister had his eyes shut, but he +opened one of them a little and looked at Pa. Pa was tickled at the +parrot, but when the minister looked at Pa as though it was him that was +making irreverent remarks, Pa was mad. + +“The minister got to the 'Amen,' and Polly shook hisself and said 'What +you giving us?' and the minister got up and brushed the bird seed +off his knees, and he looked mad. I thought Ma would sink with +mortification, and I was sitting on a piano stool, looking as pious as +a Sunday school superintendent the Sunday before he skips out with the +bank's funds; and Ma looked at me as though she thought it was me that +had been tampering with the parrot. Gosh, I never said a word to that +parrot, and I can prove it by my chum. + +“Well, the minister asked one of the sisters if she wouldn't pray, and +she wasn't engaged, so she said with pleasure, and she kneeled down, +but she corked herself, 'cause she got one knee on a cast iron dumb bell +that I had been practising with. She said 'O my,' in a disgusted sort +of a way, and then she began to pray for the reformation of the youth +of the land, and asked for the spirit to descend on the household, and +particularly on the boy that was such a care and anxiety to his parents, +and just then Polly said, 'O, pull down your vest.' Well, you'd a dide +to see that woman look at me. The parrot cage was partly behind the +window curtain, and they couldn't see it, and she thought it was me. She +looked at Ma as though she was wondering why she didn't hit me with a +poker, but she went on, and Polly said, 'wipe off your chin,' and then +the lady got through and got up, and told Ma it must be a great trial to +have an idiotic child, and then Ma she was mad and said it wasn't half +so bad as it was to be a kleptomaniac, and then the woman got up and +said she wouldn't stay no longer, and Pa said to me to take that parrot +out doors, and that seemed to make them all good natured again. Ma said +to take the parrot and give it to the poor. I took the cage and pointed +my finger at the parrot and it looked at the woman and said 'old +catamaran,' and the woman tried to look pious and resigned, but she +couldn't. As I was going out the door the parrot ruffed up his feathers +and said 'Dammit, set em up,' and I hurried out with the cage for fear +he would say something bad, and the folks all held up their hands and +said it was scandalous. Say, I wonder if a parrot can go to hell with +the rest of the community. Well, I put the parrot in the woodshed, and +after they all had their innings, except Pa, who acted as umpire, the +meeting broke up, and Ma says its the last time she will have that gang +at her house. + +“That must have been where your Pa got his black eye,” said the grocery +man, as he charged the bunch of celery to the boy's Pa. “Did the +minister hit him, or was it one of the sisters?” + +“O, he didn't get his black eye at prayer meeting!” said the boy, as he +took his mittens off the stove and rubbed them to take the stiffening +out. “It was from boxing. Pa told my chum and me that it was no harm to +learn to box, cause we could defend ourselves, and he said he used to be +a holy terror with the boxing gloves when he was a boy, and he has been +giving us lessons. Well, he is no slouch, now I tell you, and handles +himself pretty well for a church member. I read in the paper how Zack +Chandler played it on Conkling by getting Jem Mace, the prize fighter, +to knock him silly, and I asked Pa if he wouldn't let me bring a poor +boy who had no father to teach him boxing, to our house to learn to box, +and Pa said certainly, fetch him along. He said he would be glad to do +anything for a poor orphan. So I went down in the Third ward and got an +Irish boy by the name of Duffy, who can knock the socks off of any boy +in the ward. He fit a prize fight once. It would have made you laugh to +see Pa telling him how to hold his hands and how to guard his face. He +told Duffy not to be afraid, but strike right out and hit for keeps. +Duffy said he was afraid Pa would get mad if he hit him, and Pa said, +'nonsense, boy, knock me down if you can, and I will laugh ha! ha!' +Well, Duffy he hauled back and gave Pa one in the nose and another in +both eyes, and cuffed him on the ear and punched him in the stomach, and +lammed him in the mouth and made his teeth bleed, and then he gave him +a side-winder in both eyes, and Pa pulled off the boxing gloves and +grabbed a chair, and we adjourned and went down stairs as though there +was a panic. I haven't seen Pa since. Was his eye very black?” + +“Black, I should say so,” said the grocery man. “And his nose seemed +to be trying to look into his left ear. He was at the market buying +beefsteak to put on it.” + +“O, beef steak is no account. I must go and see him and tell him that an +oyster is the best thing for a black eye. Well, I must go. A boy has a +pretty hard time running a house the way it should be run,” and the boy +went out and hung up a sign in front of the grocery: “_Frowy Butter a +Speshulty_.” + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa, by George W. Peck + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA *** + +***** This file should be named 25487-0.txt or 25487-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/4/8/25487/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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W. Peck + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd7; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa + 1883 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Illustrator: Gean Smith + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25487] +Last Updated: November 22, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="Cover " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" alt="Frontispiece " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/titlepage.jpg" alt="Titlepage " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Geo. W. Peck + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h3> + With Illustrations by Gean Smith. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h4> + Belford, Clarke & Co. - 1883. + </h4> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [Transcriber’s Note: The variable grammar and punctuation in + this file make it difficult to decide which errors are + archaic usage and which the printer’s fault. I have made + corrections only of what appeared obvious printer’s errors. + This eBook is taken from the 1883 1st edition.] +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A CARD FROM THE AUTHOR. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Office of “Peck’s Sun,” Milwaukee, Feb., 1883. + + Belford, Clarke & Co.: + + Gents—If you have made up your minds that the world will + cease to move unless these “Bad Boy” articles are given to + the public in book form, why go ahead, and peace to your + ashes. The “Bad Boy” is not a “myth,” though there may be + some stretches of imagination in the articles. The + counterpart of this boy is located in every city, village + and country hamlet throughout the land. He is wide awake, + full of vinegar, and is ready to crawl under the canvas of a + circus or repeat a hundred verses of the New Testament in + Sunday School. He knows where every melon patch in the + neighborhood is located, and at what hours the dog is + chained up. He will tie an oyster can to a dog’s tail to + give the dog exercise, or will fight at the drop of the hat + to protect the smaller boy or a school girl. He gets in his + work everywhere there is a fair prospect of fun, and his + heart is easily touched by an appeal in the right way, + though his coat-tail is oftener touched with a boot than his + heart is by kindness. But he shuffles through life until the + time comes for him to make a mark in the world, and then he + buckles on the harness and goes to the front, and becomes + successful, and then those who said he would bring up in + State Prison, remember that he always <i>was</i> a mighty smart + lad, and they never tire of telling of some of his deviltry + when he was a boy, though they thought he was pretty tough + at the time. This book is respectfully dedicated to boys, to + the men who have been boys themselves, to the girls who like + the boys, and to the mothers, bless them, who like both the + boys and the girls, + + Very respectfully, + + GEO. W. PECK, +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> A CARD FROM THE AUTHOR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_TOC"> DETAILED CONTENTS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> <big><b>PECK’S BAD BOY.</b></big> </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + </td> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023_a"> CHAPTER XXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a> + </p> + </td> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER XXXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER XXXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER XXXIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER XXXV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER XXXVI. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + List of Illustrations + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Cover </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Frontispiece </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Titlepage </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkcan-can"> They Danced the Can-Can </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Air Was Filled With Dog, and Pa, And + Rockets </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0005"> Stoper, Says Pa, I’ve Got a Whale </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0006"> Ma Appears on the Scene </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0007"> Pa on the Run </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0008"> The Bad Boy and his Girl </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0009"> Helen Damnation </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0010"> The Gun Just Rared up </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0011"> Then Everything Was Ready </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0012"> Hell’s-fire, What You Boys Doin </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0013"> In the Wrong Room </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0014"> A New Way to Take Seidlitz Powders </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0015"> Too Late, Pa, I Die at the Hand of an + Assassin </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0016"> Just As I Am </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0017"> Special Providences for a Bad Boy </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0018"> Pa Grabbed Her by the Polonaise </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0019"> Happy New Year Mum </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0020"> Pa’s Fire Escape </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_TOC" id="link2H_TOC"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + <big><b>DETAILED CONTENTS:</b></big> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER I. <br /> THE BOY WITH A LAME BACK—THE BOY COULDN’T SIT + DOWN—A PRACTICAL JOKE ON <br /> THE OLD MAN—A LETTER FROM + “DAISY “—GUARDING THE FOUR CORNERS—THE OLD <br /> MAN IS + UNUSUALLY GENEROUS—MA ASKS AWKWARD QUESTIONS—THE BOY TALKED + TO <br /> WITH A BED SLAT—NO ENCOURAGEMENT FOR A BOY <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER II. <br /> THE BOY AT WORK AGAIN—THE BEST BOYS FULL OF + TRICKS—THE OLD MAN <br /> LAYS DOWN THE LAW ABOUT JOKES—RUBBER + HOSE MACARONI—THE OLD MAS’s <br /> STRUGGLES—CHEWING + VIGOROUSLY BUT IN VAIN—AN INQUEST HELD—REVELRY BY <br /> + NIGHT—MUSIC IN THE WOODSHED—“‘twas ever thus.” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER III. <br /> THE BAD BOY GIVES HIS PA AWAY—PA IS A HARD + CITIZEN—DRINKING <br /> SOZODONT—MAKING UP THE SPARE BED—THE + MIDNIGHT WAR DANCE—AN <br /> APPOINTMENT BY THE COAL-BIN. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER IV. <br /> THE BAD BOY’S FOURTH OF JULY.—PA IS A POINTER, + NOT A SETTER—SPECIAL <br /> ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FOURTH OF JULY—A + GRAND SUPPLY OF FIREWORKS—THE <br /> EXPLOSION—THE AIR FULL + OF PA AND DOG AND ROCKETS—THE NEW HELL—A SCENE <br /> THAT + BEGGARS DESCRIPTION. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER V. <br /> THE BAD BOY’S MA COMES HOME.—DEVILTRY, ONLY A + LITTLE FUN—THE BAD <br /> BOY’S CHUM—A LADY’S WARDROBE IN THE + OLD MAN’S ROOM—MA’s UNEXPECTED <br /> ARRIVAL—WHERE IS THE + HUZZY?—DAMFINO!—THE BAD BOY WANTS TO TRAVEL WITH <br /> A + CIRCUS <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VI. <br /> HIS PA IS A DARN COWARD—HIS PA HAS BEEN A MAJOR—HOW + HE WOULD DEAL WITH <br /> BURGLARS—HIS BRAVERY PUT TO THE TEST—THE + ICE REVOLVER—HIS PA BEGINS <br /> TO PRAY—TELLS WHERE THE + CHANGE IS—“PLEASE MR. BURGLAR SPARE A POOR <br /> MAN’S LIFE!”—MA + WAKES UP—THE BAD BOY AND HIS CHUM RUN—FISH-POLE <br /> SAUCE—MA + WOULD MAKE A GOOD CHIEF OF POLICE <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VII. <br /> HIS PA GETS A BITE.—“HIS PA GETS TOO MUCH + WATER”—THE DOCTOR’S <br /> DISAGREE—HOW TO SPOIL BOYS—HIS + PA GOES TO PEWAUKEE IN SEARCH OF HIS <br /> SON—ANXIOUS TO FISH—“STOPER, + I’VE GOT A WHALE!”—OVERBOARD—HIS PA IS <br /> SAVED—A + DOLLAR FOR HIS PANTS. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VIII. <br /> HE IS TOO HEALTHY—AN EMPTY CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE + AND A BLACK EYE—HE IS <br /> ARRESTED—OCONOMOWOC FOR HEALTH—HIS + PA. IS AN OLD MASHER—DANCED TILL <br /> THE COWS CAME HOME—THE + GIRL FROM THE SUNNY SOUTH—THE BAD BOY IS SENT <br /> HOME <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER IX. <br /> HIS PA HAS GOT ’EM AGAIN.—HIS PA IS DRINKING + HARD—HE HAS BECOME A <br /> TERROR—A JUMPING DOG——THE + OLD MAN IS SHAMEFULLY ASSAULTED—“THIS IS <br /> A HELLISH CLIMATE + MY BOY!”—HIS PA SWEARS OFF—HIS MA STILL SNEEZING AT <br /> + LAKE SUPERIOR <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER X. <br /> HIS PA HAS GOT RELIGION—THE BAD BOY GOES TO + SUNDAY SCHOOL—PROMISES <br /> REFORMATION—THE OLD MAN ON + TRIAL FOR SIX MONTHS—WHAT MA THINKS—ANTS <br /> IN PA’S + LIVER-PAD—THE OLD MAN IN CHURCH—RELIGION IS ONE THING, ANTS + <br /> ANOTHER <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XI. <br /> HIS PA TAKES A TRICK—JAMAICA RUM AND CARDS—THE + BAD BOY POSSESSED OF <br /> A DEVIL—THE KIND DEACON—AT + PRAYER-MEETING—THE OLD MAN TELLS HIS <br /> EXPERIENCE—THE + FLYING CARDS—THE PRAYER-MEETING SUDDENLY CLOSED <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XII. <br /> HIS PA GETS PULLED—THE OLD MAN STUDIES THE + BIBLE—DANIEL IN THE LIONS’ <br /> DEN—THE MULE AND THE MULE’S + FATHER—MURDER IN THE THIRD WARD—THE OLD <br /> MAN ARRESTED—THE + OLD MAN FANS THE DUST OUT OF HIS SON’S PANTS <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIII. <br /> HIS PA GOES TO THE EXPOSITION—THE BAD BOY ACTS + AS GUIDE—THE CIRCUS <br /> STORY—THE OLD MAN WANTS TO SIT + DOWN—TRIES TO EAT PANCAKES—DRINKS SOME <br /> MINERAL WATER—THE + OLD MAN FALLS IN LOVE WITH A WAX WOMAN—A POLICEMAN <br /> + INTERFERES—THE LIGHTS GO OUT—THE GROCERY MAN DON’T WANT A + CLERK <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIV. <br /> HIS PA CATCHES ON—TWO DAYS AND NIGHTS IN THE + BATHROOM—RELIGION CAKES <br /> THE OLD MAN’S BREAST—THE BAD + BOY’S CHUM DRESSED UP AS A GIRL—THE OLD <br /> MAN DELUDED—THE + COUPLE START FOR THE COURT HOUSE PARK—HIS MA APPEARS <br /> ON THE + SCENE—“IF YOU LOVE ME, KISS ME?”—MA TO THE RESCUE—“I + AM DEAD <br /> AM I?”—HIS PA THROWS A CHAIR THROUGH THE TRANSOM + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XV. <br /> HIS PA AT THE RE-UNION—THE OLD MAN IN MILITARY + SPLENDOR—TELLS HOW HE <br /> MOWED DOWN THE REBELS—“I AND + GRANT”—WHAT IS A SUTLER.—TEN DOLLARS FOR <br /> PICKLES!—“LET + US HANG HIM!”—THE OLD MAN ON THE RUN—HE STANDS UP TO <br /> + SUPPER—THE BAD BOY IS TO DIE AT SUNSET <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVI. <br /> THE BAD BOY IN LOVE—ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN?—NO + GETTING TO HEAVEN ON SMALL <br /> POTATOES—THE BAD BOY HAS TO CHEW + COBS—MA SAYS IT’S GOOD FOR A BOY <br /> TO BE IN LOVE—LOVE + WEAKENS THE BAD BOY—HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO GET <br /> MARRIED?—MAD + DOG—NEVER EAT ICE CREAM <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVII. <br /> HIS PA FIGHTS HORNETS—THE OLD MAN LOOKS BAD—THE + WOODS OF <br /> WAUWATOSA—THE OLD MAN TAKES A NAP—“HELEN + DAMNATION!”—“HELL IS OUT <br /> FOR NOON.”—THE LIVER MEDICINE—ITS + WONDERFUL EFFECTS—THE BAD BOY <br /> IS DRUNK—GIVE ME A + LEMON!—A SIGHT OF THE COMET!—THE HIRED GIRL’S <br /> RELIGION + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVIII. <br /> HIS PA GOES HUNTING—MUTILATED JAW—THE + OLD MAN HAS TAKEN TO SWEARING <br /> AGAIN—OUT WEST, DUCK SHOOTING—-HIS + COAT TAIL SHOT OFF—SHOOTS AT A <br /> WILD GOOSE—THE GUN + KICKS!—THROWS A CHAIR AT HIS SON—THE ASTONISHED <br /> + SHE-DEACON <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIX. <br /> HIS PA IS “NISHIATED”—ARE YOU A MASON?—NO + HARM TO PLAY AT LODGE—WHY <br /> GOATS ARE KEPT IN STABLES—THE + BAD BOY GETS THE GOAT UPSTAIRS—THE GRAND <br /> DUMPER DEGREE—KYAN + PEPPER ON THE GOAT’S BEARD—“BRING FORTH THE ROYAL <br /> BUMPER”—THE + GOAT ON THE RAMPAGE <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XX. <br /> HIS GIRL GOES BACK ON HIM. THE GROCERY MAN IS AFRAID—BUT + THE BAD BOY IS <br /> A WRECK—“MY GIRL, HAS SHOOK ME!”—THE + BAD BOY’S HEART IS BROKEN—STILL <br /> HE ENJOYS A BIT OF FUN—COD + LIVER OIL ON THE PANCAKES—THE HIRED GIRLS <br /> MADE VICTIMS—THE + BAD BOY VOWS VENGEANCE ON HIS GIRL AND THE TELEGRAPH <br /> MESSENGER + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023_a"> CHAPTER XXI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXI. <br /> HE AND HIS PA IN CHICAGO—NOTHING LIKE TRAVELING + TO GIVE TONE—LAUGHING <br /> IN THE WRONG PLACE—A DIABOLICAL + PLOT—-HIS PA ARRESTED AS A <br /> KIDNAPPER—-THE NUMBERS ON + THE DOORS CHANGED—THE WRONG ROOM—“NOTHIN’ <br /> THE MAZZER + WITH ME, PET!”—THE TELL-TALE HAT <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXII. <br /> HIS PA IS DISCOURAGED—“I AIN’T NO JONER!”—THE + STORY OF THE ANCIENT <br /> PROPHET—THE SUNDAY SCHOOL FOLKS GO BACK + ON THE BAD BOY:—CAGED <br /> CATS—A COMMITTEE MEETING—A + REMARKABLE CATASTROPHE!—“THAT BOY BEATS <br /> HELL!”—BASTING + THE BAD BOY—THE HOT WATER IN THE SPONGE TRICK <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXIII. <br /> HE BECOMES A DRUGGIST—“I HAVE GONE INTO + BUSINESS!”—-A NEW <br /> ROSE-GERANIUM PERFUME—-THE BAD BOY + IN A DRUGGIST’S STORE—PRACTICING <br /> ON HIS PA—THE + EXPLOSION—THE SEIDLETZ POWDER—HIS PA’S FREQUENT <br /> PAINS—POUNDING + INDIA-RUBBER—CURING A WART <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXIV. HE QUITS THE DRUG BUSINESS. <br /> HE HAS DISSOLVED WITH + THE DRUGGER—THE OLD LADY AND THE GIN—THE BAD BOY <br /> + IGNOMINIOUSLY FIRED—HOW HE DOSED HIS PA’S BRANDY—THE BAD BOY + AS “HAWTY <br /> AS A DOOK!”—HE GETS EVEN WITH HIS GIRL—-THE + BAD BOY WANTS A QUIET <br /> PLACE—THE OLD MAN THREATENS THE PARSON + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXV. <br /> HIS PA KILLS HIM—A GENIUS AT WHISTLING—A + FUR-LINED CLOAK A CURE CURE <br /> FOR CONSUMPTION—ANOTHER LETTER + SENT TO THE OLD MAN—HE RESOLVES ON <br /> IMMEDIATE PUNISHMENT—THE + BLADDER-BUFFER—THE EXPLOSION—A TRAGIC <br /> SCENE—HIS + PA VOWS TO REFORM <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXVI. <br /> HIS PA MORTIFIED—SEARCHING FOR SEWER GAS—THE + POWERFUL ODOR OF <br /> LIMBURGER CHEESE AT CHURCH—THE AFTER + MEETING—FUMIGATING THE HOUSE—THE <br /> BAD BOY RESOLVES TO + BOARD AT AN HOTEL. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXVII. <br /> HIS PA BROKE UP—THE BAD BOY DON’T THINK THE + GROCER FIT FOR HEAVEN—HE <br /> IS VERY SEVERE ON HIS OLD FRIEND—THE + NEED OF A NEW REVISED EDITION—THE <br /> BAD BOY TURNS REVISER—HIS + PA REACHES FOR THE POKER—A SPECIAL <br /> PROVIDENCE—THE SLED + SLEWED!—HIS PA UNDER THE MULES <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXVIII. <br /> HIS PA GOES SKATING—THE BAD BOY CARVES A + TURKEY—HIS PA’S FAME AS A <br /> SKATER—THE OLD MAN ESSAYS TO + SKATE ON ROLLERS—HIS WILD CAPERS—HE <br /> SPREADS HIMSELF—-HOLIDAYS + A CONDEMNED NUISANCER—THE BAD BOY’S <br /> CHRISTMAS PRESENTS <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXIX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXIX. <br /> HIS PA GOES CALLING—HIS PA STARTS FORTH—A + PICTURE OF THE OLD <br /> MAN “FULL”—POLITENESS AT A WINTER PICNIC—ASSAULTED + BY <br /> SANDBAGGERS—RESOLVED TO DRINK NO MORE COFFEE—A GIRL + FULL OF “AIG NOGG” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXX. <br /> HIS PA DISSECTED—THE MISERIES OF THE MUMPS—NO + PICKLES, THANK <br /> YOU—ONE MORE EFFORT To REFORM THE OLD MAN—THE + BAD BOY PLAYS MEDICAL <br /> STUDENT—PROCEEDS TO DISSECT HIS PA—“GENTLEMEN, + I AM NOT DEAD!”—SAVED <br /> FROM THE SCALPEL—“NO MORE WHISKY + FOR YOU.” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXXI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXXI. <br /> HIS PA JOINS A TEMPERANCE SOCIETY—THE GROCERY + MAN SYMPATHISES WITH THE <br /> OLD MAN—WARNS THE BAD BOY THAT HE + MAY HAVE A STEP-FATHER!—THE BAD <br /> BOY SCORNS THE IDEA—INTRODUCES + HIS PA TO THE GRAND “WORTHY DUKE!”—THE <br /> SOLEMN OATH—THE + BRAND PLUCKED FROM THE BURNING <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER XXXII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXXII. <br /> HIS PA’S MARVELOUS ESCAPE—THE GROCERY MAN HAS + NO VASELINE—THE OLD <br /> MAN PROVIDES THREE FIRE ESCAPES—ONE + OF THE ESCAPES TESTED—HIS PA <br /> SCANDALIZES THE CHURCH—“SHE’S + A DARLING!”—WORLDLY MUSIC IN THE COURTS <br /> OF ZION <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER XXXIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXXIII. <br /> HIS PA JOKES HIM—THE BAD BOY CAUGHT AT LAST—HOW + TO GROW A <br /> MOUSTACHE—TAR AND CAYENNE PEPPER—THE GROCERY + MAN’S FATE IS <br /> SEALED—FATHER AND SON JOIN IN A PRACTICAL JOKE—SOFT + SOAP ON THE <br /> STEPS—DOWNFALL OF MINISTERS AND DEACONS—“MA + TO THE RESCUE!”—THE BAD <br /> BOY GETS EVEN WITH HIS PA <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER XXXIV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXXIV. <br /> HIS PA GETS MAD—A ROOM IN COURT-PLASTER—THE + BAD BOY DECLINES BEING <br /> MAULED!—THE OLD MAN GETS A HOT BOX—THE + BAD BOY BORROWS A CAT!—THE <br /> BATTLE!—“HELEN BLAZES!”—THE + CAT VICTORIOUS!—THE BAD BOY DRAWS THE <br /> LINE AT KINDLING WOOD! + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER XXXV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXXV. <br /> HIS PA AN INVENTOR—THE BAD BOY A MARTYR—THE + DOG-COLLAR IN <br /> THE SAUSAGE—A PATENT STOVE—THE PATENT + TESTED!—HIS PA A BURNT <br /> OFFERING—EARLY BREAKFAST! <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER XXXVI. </a> + </p> + <p> + HIS PA GETS BOXED—PARROT FOR SALE—THE OLD MAN IS DOWN ON THE + <br /> GROCER—“A CONTRITE HEART BEATS A BOB-TAILED FLUSH!”—POLLY’S + <br /> RESPONSES—CAN A PARROT GO TO HELL?—THE OLD MAN GETS + ANOTHER BLACK <br /> EYE—DUFFY HITS FOR KEEPS!—NOTHING LIKE + AN OYSTER FOR A BLACK EYE <br /> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <h1> + PECK’S BAD BOY. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BOY WITH A LAME BACK—THE BOY COULDN’T SIT DOWN—A + PRACTICAL JOKE ON THE OLD MAN—A LETTER FROM “DAISY”— + GUARDING THE FOUR CORNERS—THE OLD MAN IS UNUSUALLY + GENEROUS—MA ASKS AWKWARD QUESTIONS—THE BOY TALKED TO WITH + A BED-SLAT—NO ENCOURAGEMENT FOR A BOY! +</pre> + <p> + A young fellow who is pretty smart on general principles, and who is + always in good humor, went into a store the other morning limping and + seemed to be broke up generally. The proprietor asked him if he wouldn’t + sit down, and he said he couldn’t very well, as his back was lame. He + seemed discouraged, and the proprietor asked him what was the matter. + “Well,” says he, as he put his hand on his pistol pocket and groaned, + “There is no encouragement for a boy to have any fun nowadays. If a boy + tries to play an innocent joke he gets kicked all over the house.” The + store keeper asked him what had happened to disturb his hilarity. He said + he had played a joke on his father and had been limping ever since. + </p> + <p> + “You see, I thought the old man was a little spry. You know he is no + spring chicken yourself; and though his eyes are not what they used to be, + yet he can see a pretty girl further than I can. The other day I wrote a + note in a fine hand and addressed it to him, asking him to meet me on the + corner of Wisconsin and Milwaukee streets, at 7:30 on Saturday evening, + and signed the name of ’Daisy’ to it. At supper time Pa he was all shaved + up and had his hair plastered over the bald spot, and he got on some clean + cuffs, and said he was going to the Consistory to initiate some candidates + from the country, and he might not be in till late. He didn’t eat much + supper, and hurried off with my umbrella. I winked at Ma but didn’t say + anything. At 7:30 I went down town and he was standing there by the + post-office corner, in a dark place. I went by him and said, “Hello, Pa, + what are you doing there?” He said he was waiting for a man. I went down + street and pretty soon I went up on the other corner by Chapman’s and he + was standing there. You see, he didn’t know what corner “Daisy” was going + to be on, and had to cover all four corners. I saluted him and asked him + if he hadn’t found his man yet, and he said no, the man was a little late. + It is a mean boy that won’t speak to his Pa when he sees him standing on a + corner, I went up street and I saw Pa cross over by the drug store in a + sort of a hurry, and I could see a girl going by with a water-proof on, + but she skited right along and Pa looked kind of solemn, the way he does + when I ask him for new clothes. I turned and came back and he was standing + there in the doorway, and I said, “Pa you will catch cold if you stand + around waiting for a man. You go down to the Consistory and let me lay for + the man.” Pa said, “never you mind, you go about your business and I will + attend to the man.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, when a boy’s Pa tells him to never you mind, and looks spunky, my + experience is that a boy wants to go right away from there, and I went + down street. I thought I would cross over and go up the other side, and + see how long he would stay. There was a girl or two going up ahead of me, + and I see a man hurrying across from the drug store to Van Pelt’s corner. + It was Pa, and as the girls went along and never looked around Pa looked + mad and stepped into the doorway. It was about eight o’clock then, and Pa + was tired, and I felt sorry for him and I went up to him and asked him for + half a dollar to go to the Academy. I never knew him to shell out so + freely and so quick. He gave me a dollar, and I told him I would go and + get it changed and bring him back the half a dollar, but he said I needn’t + mind the change. It is awful mean of a boy that has always been treated + well to play it on his Pa that way, and I felt ashamed. As I turned the + corner and saw him standing there shivering, waiting for the man, my + conscience troubled me, and I told a policeman to go and tell Pa that + “Daisy” had been suddenly taken with worms, and would not be there that + evening. I peeked around the corner and Pa and the policeman went off to + get a drink. I was glad they did cause Pa needed it, after standing around + so long. Well, when I went home the joke was so good I told Ma about it, + and she was mad. I guess she was mad at me for treating Pa that way. I + heard Pa come home about eleven o’clock, and Ma was real kind to him. She + told him to warm his feet, cause they were just like chunks of ice. Then + she asked him how many they initiated in the Consistory, and he said six, + and then she asked him if they initiated “Daisy” in the Consistory, and + pretty soon I heard Pa snoring. In the morning he took me into the + basement, and gave me the hardest talking to that I over had, with a bed + slat. He said he knew that I wrote, that note all the time, and he thought + he would pretend that he was looking for “Daisy,” just to fool me. It + don’t look reasonable that a man would catch epizootic and rheumatism just + to fool his boy, does it? What did he give me the dollar for? Ma and Pa + don’t seem to call each other pet any more, and as for me, they both look + at me as though I was a hard citizen. I am going to Missouri to take Jesse + James’s place. There is no encouragement for a boy here. Well, good + morning. If Pa comes in here asking for me tell him that you saw an + express wagon going to the morgue with the remains of a pretty boy who + acted as though he died from concussion of a bed slat on Peck’s bad boy on + the pistol pocket. That will make Pa feel sorry. O, he has got the + awfulest cold, though.” And the boy limped out to separate a couple of + dogs that were fighting. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY AT WORK AGAIN—THE BEST BOYS FULL OF TRICKS—THE + OLD MAN LAYS DOWN THE LAW ABOUT JOKES—RUBBER-HOSE MACARONI— + THE OLD MAN’S STRUGGLES—CHEWING VIGOROUSLY BUT IN VAIN—AN + INQUEST HELD—REVELRY BY NIGHT—MUSIC IN THE WOODSHED— + “‘TWAS EVER THUS.” + </pre> + <p> + Of course all boys are not full of tricks, but the best of them are. That + is, those who are the readiest to play innocent jokes, and who are + continually looking for chances to make Rome howl, are the most apt to + turn out to be first-class business men. There is a boy in the Seventh + Ward who is so full of fun that sometimes it makes him ache. He is the + same boy who not long since wrote a note to his father and signed the name + “Daisy” to it, and got the old man to stand on a corner for two hours + waiting for the girl. After that scrape the old man told the boy that he + had no objection to innocent jokes, such as would not bring reproach upon + him, and as long as the boy confined himself to jokes that would simply + cause pleasant laughter, and not cause the finger of scorn to be pointed + at a parent, he would be the last one to kick. So the boy has been for + three weeks trying to think of some innocent joke to play on his father. + The old man is getting a little near sighted, and his teeth are not as + good as they used to be, but the old man will not admit it. Nothing that + anybody can say can make him own up that his eyesight is failing, or that + his teeth are poor, and he would bet a hundred dollars that he could see + as far as ever. The boy knew the failing, and made up his mind to + demonstrate to the old man that he was rapidly getting off his base.. The + old person is very fond of macaroni, and eats it about three times a week. + The other day the boy was in a drug store and noticed in a show case a lot + of small rubber hose, about the size of sticks of macaroni, such as is + used on nursing bottles, and other rubber utensils. It was white and nice, + and the boy’s mind was made up at once. He bought a yard of it, and took + it home. When the macaroni was cooked and ready to be served, he hired the + table girl to help him play it on the old man. They took a pair of shears + and cut the rubber hose in pieces about the same length as the pieces of + boiled macaroni, and put them in a saucer with a little macaroni over the + rubber pipes, and placed the dish at the old man’s plate. Well, we suppose + if ten thousand people could have had reserved seats and seen the old man + struggle with the India rubber macaroni, and have seen the boy’s struggle + to keep from laughing, they would have had more fun than they would at a + circus, First the old delegate attempted to cut the macaroni into small + pieces, and failing, he remarked that it was not cooked enough. The boy + said his macaroni was cooked too tender, and that his father’s teeth were + so poor that he would have to eat soup entirely pretty soon. The old man + said, “Never you mind my teeth, young man,” and decided that he would not + complain of anything again. He took up a couple of pieces of rubber and + one piece of macaroni on a fork and put them in his mouth. The macaroni + dissolved easy enough, and went down perfectly easy, but the flat macaroni + was too much for him. He chewed on it for a minute or two, and talked + about the weather in order that none of the family should see that he was + in trouble, and when he found the macaroni would not down, he called their + attention to something out of the window and took the rubber slyly from + his mouth, and laid it under the edge of his plate. He was more than half + convinced that his teeth were played out, but went on eating something + else for a while, and finally he thought he would just chance the macaroni + once more for luck, and he mowed away another fork full in his mouth. It + was the same old story. He chewed like a seminary girl chewing gum, and + his eyes stuck out and his face became red, and his wife looked at him as + though afraid he was going to die of apoplexy, and finally the servant + girl burst out laughing, and went out of the room with her apron stuffed + in her mouth, and the boy felt as though it was unhealthy to tarry too + long at the table and he went out. + </p> + <p> + Left alone with his wife the old man took the rubber macaroni from his + mouth and laid it on his plate, and he and his wife held an inquest over + it. The wife tried to spear it with a fork, but couldn’t make any + impression on it, and then she see it was rubber hose, and told the old + man. He was mad and glad, at the same time; glad because he had found that + his teeth where not to blame, and mad because the grocer had sold him + boarding house macaroni. Then the girl came in and was put on the + confessional, and told all, and presently there was a sound of revelry by + night, in the wood shed, and the still, small voice was saying, “O, Pa, + don’t! you said you didn’t care for innocent jokes. Oh!” And then the old + man, between the strokes of the piece of clap-board would say, “Feed your + father a hose cart next, won’t ye. Be firing car springs and clothes + wringers down me next, eh? Put some gravy on a rubber overcoat, probably, + and serve it to me for salad. Try a piece of overshoe, with a bone in it, + for my beefsteak, likely. Give your poor old father a slice of rubber bib + in place of tripe to-morrow, I expect. Boil me a rubber water bag for + apple dumplings, pretty soon, if I don’t look out. There! You go and split + the kindling wood.” ’Twas ever thus. A boy cant have any fun now days. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY GIVES HIS PA AWAY—PA IS A HARD CITIZEN— + DRINKING SOZODONT—MAKING UP THE SPARE BED—THE MIDNIGHT + WAR-DANCE—AN APPOINTMENT BY THE COAL BIN. +</pre> + <p> + The bad boy’s mother was out of town for a week, and when she came home + she found everything topsy turvey. The beds were all mussed up, and there + was not a thing hung up anywhere. She called the bad boy and asked him + what in the deuce had been going on, and he made it pleasant for his Pa + about as follows: + </p> + <p> + “Well, Ma, I know I will get killed, but I shall die like a man. When Pa + met you at the depot he looked too innocent for any kind of use, but he’s + a hard citizen, and don’t you forget it. He hasn’t been home a single + night till after eleven o’clock, and he was tired every night, and he had + somebody come home with him.” + </p> + <p> + “O, heavens, Hennery,” said the mother, with a sigh, “are you sure about + this?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” says the bad boy, “I was on to the whole racket. The first night + they came home awful tickled, and I guess they drank some of your + Sozodont, cause they seemed to foam at the mouth. Pa wanted to put his + friend in the spare bed, but there were no sheets on it, and he went to + rumaging around in the drawers for sheets. He got out all the towels and + table-cloths, and, made up the bed with table-cloths, the first night, and + in the morning the visitor kicked because there was a big coffee stain on + the table-cloth sheet. You know that tablecloth you spilled the coffee on + last spring, when Pa scared you by having his whiskers cut off. O, they + raised thunder around the room. Pa took your night-shirt, you know the one + with the lace work all down the front, and put a pillow in it, and set it + on a chair, then took a burned match and marked eyes and nose on the + pillow, and put your bonnet on it, and then they had a war dance. Pa hurt + the bald spot on his head by hitting it against the gas chandelier, and + then he said dammit. Then they throwed pillows at each other. Pa’s friend + didn’t have any night shirt, and Pa gave his friend one of your’n, and the + friend took that old hoop-skirt in the closet, the one Pa always steps on + when he goes in the close, after a towel and hurts his bare foot, you + know, and put it on under the night shirt, and they walked around arm in + arm. O, it made me tired to see a man Pa’s age act so like a darn fool.” + </p> + <p> + “Hennery,” says the mother, with a deep meaning in her voice, “I want to + ask you one question. Did your Pa’s friend <i>wear a dress?</i>” + </p> + <p> + “O, yes,” said the bad boy, coolly, not noticing the pale face of his Ma, + “the friend put on that old blue dress of yours, with the pistol pocket in + front, you know, and pinned a red cloth on for a train, and they danced + the can-can.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkcan-can" id="linkcan-can"></a><br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img alt="p019 (122K)" src="images/p019.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Just at this point Pa came home to dinner, and the bad boy said, “Pa, I + was just telling Ma what a nice time you had that first night she went + away, with the pillows, and—” + </p> + <p> + “Hennery!” says the old gentleman severely, “you are a confounded fool.” + </p> + <p> + “Izick,” said the wife more severely, “Why did you bring a female home + with you that night. Have you got no—” + </p> + <p> + “O, Ma,” says the bad boy, “it was not a woman. It was young Mr. Brown, + Pa’s clerk at the store, you know.” + </p> + <p> + “O!” said Mas with a smile and a sigh. + </p> + <p> + “Hennery,” said his stern parent, “I want to see you there by the coal bin + for a minute or two. You are the gaul durndest fool I ever see. What you + want to learn the first thing you do is to keep your mouth shut,” and then + they went on with the frugal meal, while Hennery seemed to feel as though + something was coming. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY’S FOURTH OF JULY—PA IS A POINTER NOT A SETTER— + SPECIAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FOURTH OF JULY—A GRAND SUPPLY + OF FIRE WORKS—THE EXPLOSION—THE AIR FULL OF PA AND DOG AND + ROCKETS—THE NEW HELL—A SCENE THAT BEGGARS DESCRIPTION. +</pre> + <p> + “How long do you think it will be before your father will be able to come + down to the office?” asked the druggist of the bad boy as he was buying + some arnica and court plaster. + </p> + <p> + “O, the doc. says he could come down now if he would on some street where + there were no horses to scare,” said the boy as he bought some gum, “but + he says he aint in no hurry to come down till his hair grows out, and he + gets some new clothes made. Say, do you wet this court plaster and stick + it on?” + </p> + <p> + The druggist told him how the court plaster worked, and then asked him if + his Pa couldn’t ride down town. + </p> + <p> + “Ride down? well, I guess nix. He would have to set down if he rode down + town, and Pa is no setter this trip, he is a pointer. That’s where the + pinwheel struck him.” + </p> + <p> + “Well how did it all happen?” asked the druggist, as he wrapped a yellow + paper over the bottle of arnica, and twisted the ends, and then helped the + boy stick the strip of court plaster on his nose. + </p> + <p> + “Nobody knows how it happened but Pa, and when I come near to ask him + about it he feels around his night shirt where his pistol pocket would be + if it was pants he had on, and tells me to leave his sight forever, and I + leave too, quick. You see he is afraid I will get hurt every 4th of July, + and he told me if I wouldn’t fire a fire-cracker all day he would let me + get four dollars’ worth of nice fire-works and he would fire them off for + me in the evening in the back yard. I promised, and he gave me the money + and I bought a dandy lot of fire-works, and don’t you forget it. I had a + lot of rockets and Roman candles, and six pin-wheels, and a lot of nigger + chasers, and some of these cannon fire-crackers, and torpedoes, and a box + of parlor matches. I took them home and put the package in our big stuffed + chair and put a newspaper over them. + </p> + <p> + “Pa always takes a nap in that stuffed chair after dinner, and he went + into the sitting room and I heard him driving our poodle dog out of the + chair, and heard him ask the dog what he was a-chewing, and just then the + explosion took place, and we all rushed in there, I tell you what I + honestly think. I think that dog was chewing that box of parlor matches. + This kind that pop so when you step on them. Pa was just going to set down + when the whole air was filled with dog, and Pa, and rockets, and + everything.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p023.jpg" + alt="Air Was Filled With Dog, and Pa, And Rockets P023 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “When I got in there Pa had a sofa pillow trying to put the dog out, and + in the meantime Pa’s linen pants were afire. I grabbed a pail of this + indigo water that they had been rinsing clothes with and throwed it on Pa, + or there wouldn’t have been a place on him biggern a sixpence that wasn’t + burnt, and then he threw a camp chair at me and told me to go to Gehenna. + Ma says that’s the new hell they have got up in the revised edition of the + Bible for bad boys. When Pa’s pants were out his coat-tail blazed up and a + Roman candle was firing blue and red balls at his legs, and a rocket got + into his white vest. The scene beggared description, like the Racine fire. + A nigger chaser got after Ma and treed her on top of the sofa, and another + one took after a girl that Ma invited to dinner, and burnt one of her + stockings so she had to wear one of Ma’s stockings, a good deal too big + for her, home. After things got a little quiet, and we opened the doors + and windows to let out the smoke and the smell of burnt dog hair, and Pa’s + whiskers, the big fire crackers began to go off, and a policeman came to + the door and asked what was the matter, and Pa told him to go along with + me to Gehenna, but I don’t want to go with a policeman. It would give me + dead away. Well, there was nobody hurt much but the dog and Pa. I felt + awful sorry for the dog. He hasn’t got hair enough to cover hisself. Pa, + didn’t have much hair anyway, except by the ears, but he thought a good + deal of his whiskers, cause they wasn’t very gray. Say, couldn’t you send + this anarchy up to the house? If I go up there Pa will say I am the damest + fool on record. This is the last 4th of July you catch me celebrating. I + am going to work in a glue factory, where nobody will ever come to see + me.” + </p> + <p> + And the boy went out to pick up some squib firecrackers, that had failed + to explode, in front of the drug store. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY’S MA COMES HOME—NO DEVILTRY ONLY A LITTLE FUN— + THE BAD BOY’S CHUM—A LADY’S WARDROBE IN THE OLD MAN’S ROOM— + MA’S UNEXPECTED ARRIVAL—WHERE IS THE HUZZY?—DAMFINO!—THE + BAD BOY WANTS TO TRAVEL WITH A CIRCUS. +</pre> + <p> + “When is your ma coming back?” asked the grocery man, of the bad boy, as + he found him standing on the sidewalk when the grocery was opened in the + morning, taking some pieces of brick out of his coat tail pockets. + </p> + <p> + “O she got back at midnight, last night,” said the boy, as he eat a few + blue berries out of a case. “That’s what makes me up so early, Pa has been + kicking at these pieces of brick with his bare feet, and when I came away + he had his toes in his hand and was trying to go back up stairs on one + foot. Pa haint got no sense.” + </p> + <p> + “I am afraid you are a terror,” said the grocery man, as he looked at the + innocent face of the boy, “You are always making your parents some + trouble, and it is a wonder to me they don’t send you to some reform + school. What deviltry were you up to last night to get kicked this + morning?” + </p> + <p> + “No deviltry, just a little fun. You see, Ma went to Chicago to stay a + week, and she got tired, and telegraphed she would be home last night, and + Pa was down town and I forgot to give him the dispatch, and after he went + to bed, me and a chum of mine thought wo would have a 4th of July. + </p> + <p> + “You see, my chum has got a sister about as big as Ma, and we hooked some + of her clothes and after P got to snoring we put them in Pa’s room. O, + you’d a laffed. We put a pair of number one slippers with blue stockings, + down in front of the rocking chair, beside Pa’s boots, and a red corset on + a chair, and my chum’s sister’s best black silk dress on another chair, + and a hat with a white feather on, on the bureau, and some frizzes on the + gas bracket, and everything we could find that belonged to a girl in my + mum’s sister’s room. O, we got a red parasol too, and left it right in the + middle of the floor. Well, when I looked at the lay-out, and heard Pa + snoring, I thought I should die. You see, Ma knows Pa is, a darn good + feller, but she is easily excited. My chum slept with me that night, and + when we heard the door bell ring I stuffed a pillow in my mouth, There was + nobody to meet Ma at the depot, and she hired a hack and came right up. + Nobody heard the bell but me, and I had to go down and let Ma in. She was + pretty hot, now you bet, at not being met at the depot. “Where’s your + father?” said she, as she began to go up stairs. + </p> + <p> + “I told her I guessed Pa had gone to sleep by this time, but I heard a + good deal of noise in the room about an hour ago, and may be he was taking + a bath. Then I slipped up stairs and looked over the banisters. Ma said + something about heavens and earth, and where is the huzzy, and a lot of + things I couldn’t hear, and Pa said damfino and its no such thing, and the + door slammed and they talked for two hours. I s’pose they finally layed it + to me, as they always do, ’cause Pa called me very early this morning, and + when I came down stairs he came out in the hall and his face was redder’n + a beet, and he tried to stab me with his big toe-nail, and if it hadn’t + been for these pieces of brick he would have hurt my feelings. I see they + had my chum’s sister’s clothes all pinned up in a newspaper, and I s’pose + when I go back I shall have to carry them home, and then she will be down + on me. I’ll tell you what, I have got a good notion to take some + shoemaker’s wax and stick my chum on my back and travel with a circus as a + double headed boy from Borneo. A fellow could have more fun, and not get + kicked all the time.” + </p> + <p> + And the boy sampled some strawberries in a case in front of the store and + went down the street whistling for his chum, who was looking out of an + alley to see if the coast was clear. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA IS A DARN COWARD—HIS PA HAS BEEN A MAJOR—-HOW HE + WOULD DEAL WITH BURGLARS—HIS BRAVERY PUT TO THE TEST—THE + ICE REVOLVER—HIS PA BEGINS TO PRAY—TELLS WHERE THE CHANGE + IS—“PLEASE MR. BURGLAR SPARE A POOR MAN’S LIFE!”—MA WAKES + UP—THE BAD BOY AND HIS CHUM RUN—FISH-POLE SAUCE—MA WOULD + MAKE A GOOD CHIEF OF POLICE. +</pre> + <p> + “I suppose you think my Pa is a brave man,” said the bad boy to the + grocer, as he was trying a new can opener on a tin biscuit box in the + grocery, while the grocer was putting up some canned goods for the boy, + who said the goods where (sp.) for the folks to use at a picnic, but which + was to be taken out camping by the boy and his chum. + </p> + <p> + “O I suppose he is a brave man,” said the grocer, as he charged the goods + to the boy’s father. “Your Pa is called a major, and you know at the time + of the reunion he wore a veteran badge, and talked to the boys about how + they suffered during the war.” + </p> + <p> + “Suffered nothing,” remarked the boy with a sneer, “unless they suffered + from the peach brandy and leather pies Pa sold them. Pa was a sutler, + that’s the kind of a veteran he was, and he is a coward.” + </p> + <p> + “What makes you think your Pa is a coward?” asked the grocer, as he saw + the boy slipping some sweet crackers into his pistol pocket. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my chum and me tried him last night, and he is so sick this morning + that he can’t get up. You see, since the burglars got into Magie’s, Pa has + been telling what he would do if the burglars got into our house. He said + he would jump out of bed and knock one senseless with his fist, and throw + the other over the banister. I told my chum Pa was a coward, and we fixed + up like burglars, with masks on, and I had Pa’s long hunting boots on, and + we pulled caps down over our eyes, and looked fit to frighten a policeman. + I took Pa’s meerschaum pipe case and tied a little piece of ice over the + end the stem goes in, and after Pa and Ma was asleep we went in the room, + and I put the cold muzzle of the ice revolver to Pa’s temple, and when he + woke up I told him if he moved a muscle or said a word I would spatter the + wall and the counterpane with his brains. He closed his eyes and began to + pray. Then I stood off and told him to hold up his hands, and tell me + where the valuables was. He held up his hands, and sat up in bed, and + sweat and trembled, and told us the change was in his left hand pants + pocket, and that Ma’s money purse was in the bureau drawer in the cuff + box, and my chum went and got them, Pa shook so the bed fairly squeaked + and I told him I was a good notion to shoot a few holes in him just for + fun, and he cried and said please Mr. Burglar, take all I have got, but + spare a poor old man’s life, who never did any harm! Then I told him to + lay down on his stomach and pull the clothes over his head, and stick his + feet over the foot board, and he did it, and I took a shawl strap and was + strapping his feet together, and he was scared, I tell you. It would have + been all right if Ma hadn’t woke up. Pa trembled so Ma woke up and thought + he had the ager, and my chum turned up the light to see how much there was + in Ma’s purse, and Ma see me, and asked me what I was doing and I told her + I was a burglar, robbing the house. I don’t know whether Ma tumbled to the + racket or not, but she threw a pillow at me, and said “get out of here or + I’ll take you across my knee,” and she got up and we run. She followed us + to my room, and took Pa’s jointed fish pole and mauled us both until I + don’t want any more burgling, and my chum says he will never speak to me + again. I didn’t think Ma had so much sand. She is brave as a lion, and Pa + is a regular squaw. Pa sent for me to come to his room this morning, but I + ain’t well, and am going out to Pewaukee to camp out till the burglar + scare is over. If Pa comes around here talking about war times, and how he + faced the enemy on many a well fought field, you ask him if he ever threw + any burglars down a banister. He is a frod (sp.), Pa is, but Ma would make + a good chief of police, and don’t you let it escape you.” + </p> + <p> + And the boy took his canned ham and lobster, and tucking some crackers + inside the bosom of his blue flannel shirt, started for Pewaukee, while + the grocer looked at him as though he was a hard citizen. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GETS A BITE—HIS PA GETS TOO MUCH WATER—THE DOCTOR’S + DISAGREE—HOW TO SPOIL BOYS—HIS PA GOES TO PEWAUKEE IN + SEARCH OF HIS SON—ANXIOUS TO FISH—“STOPER I’VE GOT A + WHALE!”—OVERBOARD—HIS PA IS SAVED—GOES TO CUT A SWITCH— + A DOLLAR FOR HIS PANTS. +</pre> + <p> + “So the doctor thinks your Pa has ruptured a blood vessel, eh,” says the + street car driver to the bad boy, as the youngster was playing sweet on + him to get a free ride down town. + </p> + <p> + “Well, they don’t know. The doctor at Pewaukee said Pa had dropsy, until + he found the water that they wrung out of his pants was lake water, and + there was a doctor on the cars belonging to the Insane Asylum, when we put + Pa on the train, who said from the looks of his face, sort of red and + blue, that it was apoplexy, but a horse doctor that was down at the depot + when we put Pa in the carriage to take him home, said he was off his feed, + and had been taking too much water when he was hot, and got foundered. O, + you can’t tell anything about doctors. No two of ’em guesses alike,” + answered the boy, as he turned the brake for the driver to stop the car + for a sister of charity, and then punched the mule with a fish pole, when + the driver was looking back, to see if he couldn’t jerk her off the back + step. + </p> + <p> + “Well, how did your Pa happen to fall out of the boat? Didn’t he know the + lake was wet?” + </p> + <p> + “He had a suspicion that it was damp, when his back struck the water, I + think. I’ll tell you how it was. When my chum and I run away to Pewaukee, + Ma thought we had gone off to be piruts, and she told Pa it was a duty he + owed to society to go and get us to come back, and be good. She told him + if he would treat me as an equal, and laugh and joke with me, I wouldn’t + be so bad. She said kicking and pounding spoiled more boys than all the + Sunday schools. So Pa came out to our camp, about two miles up the lake + from Pewaukee, and he was just as good natured as though we had never had + any trouble at all. We let him stay all night with us, and gave him a + napkin with a red border to sleep on under a tree, cause there was not + blankets enough to go around, and in the morning I let him have one of the + soda crackers I had in my shirt bosom and he wanted to go fishing with us. + He said he would show us how to fish. So he got a piece of pork rind at a + farm house for bait, and put it on a hook, and we got in an old boat, and + my chum rowed and Pa and I trolled. In swinging the boat around Pa’s line + got under the boat, and come right up near me. I don’t know what possessed + me, but I took hold of Pa’s line and gave it a “yank,” and Pa jumped so + quick his hat went off in the lake.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p034.jpg" alt="Stoper, Says Pa, I’ve Got a Whale P034 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Stoper,” says Pa, “I’ve got a whale.” It’s mean in a man to call his + chubby faced little boy a whale, but the whale yanked again and Pa began + to pull him in. I hung on, and let the line out a little at a time, just + zackly like a fish, and he pulled, and sweat, and the bald spot on his + head was getting sun burnt, and the line cut my hand, so I wound it around + the oar-lock, and Pa pulled hard enough to tip the boat over. He thought + he had a forty pound musculunger, and he stood up in the boat and pulled + on that oar-lock as hard as he could. I ought not to have done it, but I + loosened the line from the oar-lock, and when it slacked up Pa went right + out over the side of the boat, and struck on his pants, and split a hole + in the water as big as a wash tub. His head went down under water, and his + boot heels hung over in the boat. “What you doin’? Diving after the fish?” + says I as Pa’s head came up and he blowed out the water. I thought Pa + belonged to the church, but he said “you damidyut.” + </p> + <p> + “I guess he was talking to the fish. Wall, sir, my chum took hold of Pa’s + foot and the collar of his coat and held him in the stern of the boat, and + I paddled the boat to the shore, and Pa crawled out and shook himself. I + never had no ijee a man’-pants could hold so much water. It was just like + when they pull the thing on a street sprinkler. Then Pa took off his pants + and my chum and me took hold of the legs and Pa took hold of the summer + kitchen, and we rung the water out. Pa want so sociable after that, and he + went back in the woods with his knife; with nothing on but a linen duster + and a neck-tie, while his pants were drying on a tree, to cut a switch, + and we hollered to him that a party of picnicers from Lake Side were + coming ashore right where his pants were, to pic-nic, and Pa he run into + the woods. He was afraid there would be some wimmen in the pic-nic that he + knowed, and he coaxed us to come in the woods where he was, and he said he + would give us a dollar a piece and not be mad any more if we would bring + him his pants. We got his pants, and you ought to see how they was + wrinkled when he put them on. They looked as though they had been ironed + with waffle irons. We went to the depot and came home on a freight train, + and Pa sneezed all the way in the caboose, and I don’t think he has + ruptured any blood vessel. Well, I get off here at Mitchell’s bank,” and + the boy turned the brake and jumped off without paying his fare. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HE IS TOO HEALTHY. AN EMPTY CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND A BLACK + EYE—HE IS ARRESTED—OCONOMOWOC FOR HEALTH—HIS PA IS AN OLD + MASHER—DANCED TILL THE COWS CAME HOME—THE GIRL PROM THE + SUNNY SOUTH—THE BAD BOY IS SENT HOME. +</pre> + <p> + “There, I knew you would get into trouble,” said the grocery man to the + bad boy, as a policeman came along leading him by the ear, the boy having + an empty champagne bottle in one hand, and a black eye. “What has he been + doing Mr. Policeman?” asked the grocery man, as the policeman halted with + the boy in front of the store. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I was going by a house up here when this kid opened the door with a + quart bottle of champagne, and he cut the wire and fired the cork at + another boy, and the champagne went all over the sidewalk, and some of it + went on me, and I knew there was something wrong, cause champagne is to + expensive to waste that way, and he said he was running the shebang and if + I would bring him here you would say he was all right. If you say so I + will let him go.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said he had better let the boy go, as his parents would + not like to have their little pet locked up. So the policeman let go his + ear, and he throwed the empty bottle at a coal wagon, and after the + policeman had brushed the champagne off his coat, and smelled of his + fingers, and started off, the grocery man turned to the boy, who was + peeling a cucumber, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Now, what kind of a circus have you been having, and what do you mean by + destroying wine that way! and where are your folks?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I’ll tell you. Ma she has got the hay fever and has gone to Lake + Superior to see if she can’t stop sneezing, and Saturday Pa said he and me + would go out to Oconomowoc and stay over Sunday, and try and recuperate + our health. Pa said it would be a good joke for me not to call him Pa, but + to act as though I was his younger brother, and we would have a real nice + time. I knowed what he wanted. He is an old masher, that’s what’s the + matter with him, and he was going to play himself for a batchelor. O, + thunder, I got on to his racket in a minute. He was introduced to some of + the girls and Saturday evening he danced till the cows come home. At home + he is awful fraid of rheumatic, and he never sweats, or sits in a draft; + but the water just poured off’n him, and he stood in the door and let a + girl fan him till I was afraid he would freeze, and just as he was telling + a girl from Tennessee, who was joking him about being a nold batch, that + he was not sure as he could always hold out a woman hater if he was to be + thrown into contact with the charming ladies of the Sunny South, I pulled + his coat and said, ’Pa how do you spose Ma’s hay fever is to-night. I’ll + bet she is just sneezing the top of her head off.” Wall, sir, you just + oughten seen that girl and Pa. Pa looked at me as if I was a total + stranger, and told the porter if that freckled faced boot-black belonged + around the house he had better be fired out of the ball-room, and the girl + said the disgustin’ thing, and just before they fired me I told Pa he had + better look out or he would sweat through his liver pad. + </p> + <p> + “I went to bed and Pa staid up till the lights were put out. He was mad + when he came to bed, but he didn’t lick me, cause the people in the next + room would hear him, but the next morning he talked to me. He said I might + go back home Sunday night, and he would stay a day or two. He sat around + on the veranda all the afternoon, talking with the girls, and when he + would see me coming along he would look cross. He took a girl out boat + riding, and when I asked him if I couldn’t go along, he said he was afraid + I would get drowned, and he said if I went home there was nothing there + too good for me, and so my chum and me got to firing bottles of champane, + and he hit me in the eye with a cork, and I drove him out doors and was + just going to shell his earth works, when the policeman collared me. Say, + what’s good for a black eye?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man told him his Pa would cure it when he got home, “What do + you think your Pa’s object was in passing himself off for a single man at + Oconomowoc,” asked the grocery man, as he charged up the cucumber to the + boy’s father. + </p> + <p> + “That’s what beats me. Aside from Ma’s hay fever she is one of the + healthiest women in this town. O, I suppose he does it for his health, the + way they all do when they go to a summer resort, but it leaves a boy an + orphan, don’t it, to have such kitteny parents.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA HAS GOT ’EM AGAIN! HIS PA IS DRINKING HARD—HE HAS + BECOME A TERROR—A JUMPING DOG—THE OLD MAN IS SHAMEFULLY + ASSAULTED—“THIS IS A HELLISH CLIMATE MY BOY!”—HIS PA + SWEARS OFF—HIS MA STILL SNEEZING AT LAKE SUPERIOR. +</pre> + <p> + ’“If the dogs in our neighborhood hold out I guess I can do something that + all the temperance societies in this town have failed to do,” says the bad + boy to the grocery man, as he cut off a piece of cheese and took a handful + of crackers out of a box. + </p> + <p> + “Well for Heaven’s sake, what have you been doing now, you little + reprobate,” asked the grocery man, as he went to the desk and charged the + boy’s father with a pound and four ounces of cheese and two pounds of + crackers. “If you was my boy and played any of your tricks on me I would + maul the everlasting life out of you. Your father is a cussed fool that he + dont send you to the reform school. The hired girl was over this morning + and says your father is sick, and I should think he would be. What you + done? Poisoned him I suppose.” + </p> + <p> + “No, I didn’t poison him; I just scared the liver out of him that’s all.” + </p> + <p> + “How was it,” asked the groceryman, as he charged up a pound of prunes to + the boy’s father. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I’ll tell you, but if you ever tell Pa I wont trade here any more. + You see, Pa belongs to all the secret societies, and when there is a grand + lodge or anything here, he drinks awfully. There was something last week, + some sort of a leather apron affair, or a sash over the shoulder, and + every night he was out till the next day, and his breath smelled all the + time like in front of a vinegar store, where they keep yeast. Ever since + Ma took her hay fever with her up to Lake Superior, Pa has been a terror, + and I thought something ought to be done. Since that variegated dog trick + was played on him he has been pretty sober till Ma went away, and I + happened to think of a dog a boy in the Third Ward has got, that will do + tricks. He will jump up and take a man’s hat off, and bring a + handkerchief, and all that. So I got the boy to come up on our street, and + Monday night, about dark, I got in the house and told the boy when Pa came + along to make the dog take his hat, and to pin a handkerchief to Pa’s coat + tail and make the dog take that, and then for him and the dog to lite out + for home. Well, you’d a dide. Pa came up the street as dignified and + important as though he had gone through bankruptcy, and tried to walk + straight, and just as he got near the door the boy pointed to Pa’s hat and + said, “Fetch it!” The dog is a big Newfoundland, but he is a jumper, and + don’t you forget it. Pa is short and thick, and when the dog struck him on + the shoulder and took his hat Pa almost fell over, and then he said get + out, and he kicked and backed up toward the step, and then turned around + and the boy pointed to the handkerchief and said, “fetch it,” and the dog + gave one bark and went for it, and got hold of it and a part of Pa’s + duster, and Pa tried to climb up the steps on his hands and feet, and the + dog pulled the other way, and it is an old last year’s duster anyway, and + the whole back breadth come out, and when I opened the door there Pa stood + with the front of his coat and the sleeves on, but the back was gone, and + I took hold of his arm, and he said, “Get out,” and was going to kick me, + thinking I was a dog, and I told him I was his own little boy, and asked + him if anything was the matter, and he said, “M (hic) atter enough. New F + (hic) lanp dog chawing me last hour’n a half. Why didn’t you come and k + (hic) ill’em?” I told Pa there was no dog at all, and he must be careful + of his health or I wouldn’t have no Pa at all. He looked at me and asked + me, as he felt for the place where the back of his linen duster was, what + had become of his coat-tail and hat if there was no dog, and I told him he + had probably caught his coat on that barbed wire fence down street, and he + said he saw the dog and a boy just as plain as could be, and for me to + help him up stairs and go for the doctor. I got him to the bed, and he + said, “this is a hellish climate my boy,” and I went for the doctor. Pa + said he wanted to be cauterised, so he wouldn’t go mad. I told the doc. + the Joke, and he said he would keep it up, and he gave Pa some powders, + and told him if he drank any more before Christmas he was a dead man. Pa + says it has learned him a lesson and they can never get any more pizen + down him, but don’t you give me away, will you, cause he would go and + complain to the police about the dog, and they would shoot it. Ma will be + back as soon as she gets through sneezing, and I will tell her, and <i>she</i> + will give me a cho-meo, cause she dont like to have Pa drink only between + meals. Well, good day. There’s a Italian got a bear that performs in the + street, and I am going to find where he is showing, and feed the bear a + cayenne pepper lozenger, and see him clean out the Pollack settlement. + Good bye.” + </p> + <p> + And the boy went to look for the bear. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA HAS GOT RELIGION—THE BAD BOY GOES TO SUNDAY SCHOOL— + PROMISES REFORMATION—THE OLD MAN ON TRIAL FOR SIX MONTHS— + WHAT MA THINKS—ANTS IN PA’S LIVER-PAD—THE OLD MAN IN + CHURCH—RELIGION IS ONE THING—ANTS ANOTHER. +</pre> + <p> + “Well, that beats the devil,” said the grocery man, as he stood in front + of his grocery and saw the bad boy coming along, on the way home from + Sunday school, with a clean shirt on, and a testament and some dime novels + under his arm. “What has got into you, and what has come over your Pa. I + see he has braced up, and looks pale and solemn. You haven’t converted him + have you?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Pa has not got religion enough to hurt yet, but he has got the + symptoms. He has joined the church on prowbation, and is trying to be good + so he can get in the church for keeps. He said it was hell living the way + he did, and he has got me to promise to go to Sunday school. He said if I + didn’t he would maul me so my skin wouldn’t hold water. You see, Ma said + Pa had got to be on trial for six months before he could get in the + church, and if he could get along without swearing and doing anything bad, + he was all right, and we must try him and see if we could cause him to + swear. She said she thought a person, when they was on a prowbation, ought + to be a martyr, and try and overcome all temptations to do evil, and if Pa + could go through six months of our home life, and not cuss the hinges off + the door, he was sure of a glorious immortality beyond the grave. She said + it wouldn’t be wrong for me to continue to play innocent jokes on Pa, and + if he took it all right he was a Christian but if he got a hot box, and + flew around mad, he was better out of church than in it. There he comes + now,” said the boy as he got behind a sign, “and he is pretty hot for a + Christian. He is looking for me. You had ought to have seen him in church + this morning. You see, I commenced the exercises at home after breakfast + by putting a piece of ice in each of Pa’s boots, and when he pulled on the + boots he yelled that his feet were all on fire, and we told him that it + was nothing but symptoms of gout, so he left the ice in his boots to melt, + and he said all the morning that he felt as though he had sweat his boots + full. But that was not the worst. You know, Pa he wears a liver-pad. Well, + on Saturday my chum and me was out on the lake shore and we found a nest + of ants, these little red ants, and I got a pop bottle half full of the + ants and took them home. I didn’t know what I would do with the ants, but + ants are always handy to have in the house. This morning, when Pa was + dressing for church, I saw his liver-pad on a chair, and noticed a hole in + it, and I thought what a good place it would be for the ants. I don’t know + what possessed me, but I took the liver-pad into my room, and opened the + bottle, and put the hole over the mouth of the bottle and I guess the ants + thought there was something to eat in the liver-pad, cause they all went + into it, and they crawled around in the bran and condition powders inside + of it, and I took it back to Pa, and he put it on under his shirt, and + dressed himself, and we went to church. Pa squirmed a little when the + minister was praying, and I guess some of the ants had come out to view + the landscape o’er. When we got up to sing the hymn Pa kept kicking, as + though he was nervous, and he felt down his neck and looked sort of wild, + this way he did when he had the jim-jams. When we sat down Pa couldn’t + keep still, and I like to dide when I saw some of the ants come out of his + shirt bosom and go racing around his white vest. Pa tried to look pious, + and resigned, but he couldn’t keep his legs still, and he sweat mor’n a + pail full. When the minister preached about “the worm that never dieth,” + Pa reached into his vest and scratched his ribs, and he looked as though + he would give ten dollars if the minister would get through. Ma she looked + at Pa as though she would bite his head off, but Pa he just squirmed, and + acted as though his soul was on fire. Say, does ants bite, or just crawl + around? Well, when the minister said amen, and prayed the second round, + and then said a brother who was a missionary to the heathen would like to + make a few remarks about the work of the missionaries in Bengal, and take + up a collection, Pa told Ma they would have to excuse <i>him</i>, and he + lit out for home, slapping himself on the legs and on the arms and on the + back, and he acted crazy. Ma and me went home, after the heathen got + through, and found Pa in his bed room, with part of his clothes off, and + the liver-pad was on the floor, and Pa was stamping on it with his boots, + and talking offul. + </p> + <p> + “What is the matter,” says Ma.. “Don’t your religion agree with you?” + </p> + <p> + “Religion be dashed,” says Pa, as he kicked the liver pad. “I would give + ten dollars to know how a pint of red ants got into my liver pad. Religon + is one thing, and a million ants walking all over a man, playing tag, is + another. I didn’t know the liver pad was loaded. How in Gehenna did they + get in there?” and Pa scowled at Ma as though he would kill her. + </p> + <p> + “‘Don’t swear dear,” says Ma, as she threw down her hymn book, and took + off her bonnet. “You should be patient. Remember Job was patient, and he + was afflicted with sore boils.” + </p> + <p> + “I don’t care,” says Pa, as he chased the ants out of his drawers, “Job + never had ants in his liver pad. If he had he would have swore the + shingles off a barn. Here you,” says Pa, speaking to me, “you head off + them ants running under the bureau. If the truth was known I believe you + would be responsible for this outrage.” And Pa looked at me kind of hard. + </p> + <p> + “O, Pa,” says I, with tears in my eyes, “Do you think your little Sunday + school boy would catch ants in a pop bottle on the lake shore, and bring + them home, and put them in the hole of your liver pad, just before you put + it on to go to church? You are to (sp.) bad.” And I shed some tears. I can + shed tears now any time I want to, but it didn’t do any good this time. Pa + knew it was me, and while he was looking for the shawl strap I went to + Sunday school, and now I guess he is after me, and I will go and take a + walk down to Bay View. + </p> + <p> + The boy moved off as his Pa turned a corner, and the grocery man said, + “Well, that boy beats all I ever saw. If he was mine I would give him + away.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA TAKES A TRICK—JAMAICA RUM AND CARDS—THE BAD BOY + POSSESSED OF A DEVIL—THE KIND DEACON—AT PRAYER MEETING— + THE OLD MAN TELLS HIS EXPERIENCE—THE FLYING CARDS—THE + PRAYER MEETING SUDDENLY CLOSED. +</pre> + <p> + “What is it I hear about your Pa being turned out of prayer meeting + Wednesday night,” asked the grocer of the bad boy, as he came over after + some cantelopes for breakfast, and plugged a couple to see if they were + ripe. + </p> + <p> + “He wasn’t turned out of prayer meeting at all. The people all went away + and Pa and me was the last ones out of the church. But Pa was mad, and + don’t you forget it.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, what seemed to be the trouble? Has your Pa become a backslider?” + </p> + <p> + “O, no, his flag is still there. But something seems to go wrong. You see, + when we got ready to go to prayer meeting last night. Pa told me to go up + stairs and get him a hankerchief, and to drop a little perfumery on it, + and put it in the tail pocket of his black coat. I did it, but I guess I + got hold of the wrong bottle of fumery. There was a label on the fumery + bottle that said ‘Jamaica Rum,’ and I thought it was the same as Bay Rum, + and I put on a whole lot. Just afore I put the hankerchief in Pa’s pocket, + I noticed a pack of cards on the stand, that Pa used to play hi lo-jack + with Ma evenings when he was so sick he couldn’t go down town, before he + got ’ligion, and I wrapped the hankercher around the pack of cards and put + them in his pocket. I don’t know what made me do it, and Pa don’t, either, + I guess, ’cause he told Ma this morning I was possessed of a devil. I + never owned no devil, but I had a pair of pet goats onct, and they played + hell all around, Pa said. That’s what the devil does, ain’t it? Well, I + must go home with these melons, or they won’t keep.” + </p> + <p> + “But hold on,” says the grocery man as he gave the boy a few rasins with + worms in, that he couldn’t sell, to keep him, “what about the prayer + meeting?” + </p> + <p> + “O, I like to forgot. Well Pa and me went to prayer meeting, and Ma came + along afterwards with a deakin that is mashed on her, I guess, ’cause he + says she is to be pitted for havin’ to go through life yoked to such an + old prize ox as Pa. I heard him tell Ma that, when he was helping her put + on her rubber waterprivilege to go home in the rain the night of the + sociable, and she looked at him just as she does at me when she wants me + to go down to the hair foundry after her switch, and said, “O, you dear + brother,” and all the way home he kept her waterprivilege on by putting + his arm on the small of her back. Ma asked Pa if he didn’t think the + deakin was real kind, and Pa said, “yez, dam kind,” but that was afore he + got ’ligion. We sat in a pew, at the prayer meeting, next to Ma and the + deakin, and there was lots of pious folks all round there. After the + preacher had gone to bat, and an old lady had her innings, a praying, and + the singers had got out on first base, Pa was on deck, and the preacher + said they would like to hear from the recent convert, who was trying to + walk in the straight and narrow way, but who found it so hard, owing to + the many crosses he had to bear. Pa knowed it was him that had to go to + bat, and he got up and said he felt it was good to be there. He said he + didn’t feel that he was a full sized Christian yet, but he was getting in + his work the best he could. He said at times everything looked dark to + him, and he feared he should falter by the wayside, but by a firm resolve + he kept his eye sot on the future, and if he was tempted to do wrong he + said get thee behind me, Satan, and stuck in his toe-nails for a pull for + the right. He said he was thankful to the brothers and sisters, + particularly the sisters, for all they had done to make his burden light, + and hoped to meet them all in—When Pa got as far as that he sort of + broke down, I spose he was going to say heaven, though after a few minutes + they all thought he wanted to meet them in a saloon. When his eyes began + to leak, Pa put his hand in his tail pocket for his handkercher, and got + hold of it, and gave it a jerk, and out came the handkercher, and the + cards. Well, if he had shuffled them, and Ma had cut them, and he had + dealt six hands, they couldn’t have been dealt any better. They flew into + everybody’s lap. The deakin that was with Ma got the jack of spades and + three aces and a deuce, and Ma got some nine spots and a king of hearts, + and Ma nearly fainted, cause she didn’t get a better hand, I spose. The + preacher got a pair of deuces, and a queen of hearts, and he looked up at + Pa as though it was a misdeal, and a old woman who sat across the aisle, + she only got two cards, but that was enough. Pa didn’t see what he done at + first, cause he had the handkerchief over his eyes, but when he smelled + the rum on it, he took it away, and then he saw everybody discarding, and + he thought he had struck a poker game, and he looked around as though he + was mad cause they didn’t deal him a hand. The minister adjourned the + prayer meeting and whispered to Pa, and everybody went out holding their + noses on account of Pa’s fumery, and when Pa came home he asked Ma what he + should do to be saved. Ma said she didn’t know. The deakin told her Pa + seemed wedded to his idols. Pa said the deakin better run his own idols, + and Pa would run his. I don’t know how it is going to turn out, but Pa + says he is going to stick to the church.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GETS PULLED. THE OLD MAN STUDIES THE BIBLE—DANIEL IN + THE LION’S DEN—THE MULE AND THE MULE’S FATHER—MURDER IN + THE THIRD WARD—THE OLD MAN ARRESTED—THE OLD MAN FANS THE + DUST OUT OF HIS SON’S PANTS. +</pre> + <p> + “What was you and your Ma down to the police station for so late last + night?” asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as he kicked a dog away from + a basket of peaches standing on the sidewalk “Your Ma seemed to be much + affected.” + </p> + <p> + “That’s a family secret. But if you will give me some of those rotton + peaches I will tell you, if you won’t ever ask Pa how he came to be pulled + by the police.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man told him to help himself out of the basket that the dog + had been smelling of, and he filled his pockets, and the bosom of his + flannel shirt, and his hat, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Well, you know Pa is studying up on the Bible, and he is trying to get me + interested, and he wants me to ask him questions, but if I ask him any + questions that he can’t answer, he gets mad. When I asked him about Daniel + in the den of lions, and if he didn’t think Dan was traveling with a show, + and had the lions chloroformed, he said I was a scoffer, and would go to + Gehenna. Now I don’t want to go to Gehenna just for wanting to get posted + in the show business of old times, do you? When Pa said Dan was saved from + the jaws of the lions because he prayed three times every day, and had + faith, I told him that was just what the duffer that goes into the lions + den in Coup’s circus did because I saw him in the dressing room, when me + and my chum got in for carrying water for the elephant, and he was + exhorting with a girl in tights who was going to ride two horses. Pa said + I was mistaken, cause they never prayed in circus, ’cept the lemonade + butchers. I guess I know when I hear a man pray. Coup’s Daniel talked just + like a deacon at class meeting, and told the girl to go to the place where + the minister says we will all go if we don’t do different. Pa says it is + wicked to speak of Daniel in the same breath that you speak of a circus, + so I am wicked I ’spose. Well, I couldn’t help it and when he wanted me to + ask him questions about Elijah going up in a chariot of fire, I asked him + if he believed a chariot like the ones in the circus, with eight horses, + could carry a man right up to the clouds, and Pa said of course it could. + Then I asked him what they did with the horses after they got up there, or + if the chariot kept running back and forth like a bust to a pic-nic, and + whether they had stalls for the horses and harness-makers to repair + harnesses, and wagon-makers, cause a chariot is liable to run off a wheel, + if it strikes a cloud in turning a corner. Pa said I made him tired. He + said I had no more conception of the beauties of scripture than a mule, + and then I told Pa he couldn’t expect a mule to know much unless the + mule’s father had brought him up right, and where a mule’s father had been + a regular old bummer till he got jim-jams, and only got religon to keep + out of the inebriate asylum, that the little mule was entitled to more + charity for his short comings than the mule’s Papa. That seemed to make Pa + mad, and he said the scripture lesson would be continued some other time, + and I might go out and play, and if I wasn’t in before nine o’clock he + would come after me and warm my jacket. Well, I was out playing, and me + and my chum heard of the murder in the Third Ward, and went down there to + see the dead and wounded, and it was after ten o’clock, and Pa was + searching for me, and I saw Pa go into an alley, in his shirt sleves and + no hat on, and the police were looking for the murderer, and I told the + policeman that there was a suspicious looking man in the alley, and the + policeman went in there and jumped on his back, and held him down, and the + patrol wagon came, and they loaded Pa in, and he gnashed his teeth, and + said they would pay dearly for this, and they held his hands and told him + not to talk, as he would commit himself, and they tore off his suspender + buttons, and I went home and told Ma the police had pulled Pa for being in + a suspicious place, and she said she had always been afraid he would come + to some bad end, and we went down to the station and the police let Pa go + on promise that he wouldn’t do so again, and we went home and Pa fanned + the dust out of my pants. But he did it in a pious manner, and I can’t + complain. He was trying to explain to Ma how it was that he was pulled, + when I came away, and I guess he will make out to square himself. Say, + don’t these peaches seem to have a darn queer taste. Well, good bye. I am + going down to the morgue to have some fun.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GOES TO THE EXPOSITION. THE BAD BOY ACTS AS GUIDE— + THE CIRCUS STORY—THE OLD MAN WANTS TO SIT DOWN—TRIES TO + EAT PANCAKES—DRINKS SOME MINERAL WATER—THE OLD MAN FALLS + IN LOVE WITH A WAX WOMAN—A POLICEMAN INTERFERES—THE LIGHTS + GO OUT—THE GROCERY-MAN DON’T WANT A CLERK. +</pre> + <p> + “Well, everything seems to be quiet over to your house this week,” says + the groceryman to the bad boy, as the youth was putting his thumb into + some peaches through the mosquito netting over the baskets, to see if they + were soft enough to steal, “I suppose you have let up on the old man, + haven’t you?” + </p> + <p> + “O, no. We keep it right up. The minister of the church that Pa has joined + says while Pa is on probation it is perfectly proper for us to do + everything to try him, and make him fall from grace. The minister says if + Pa comes out of his six months probation without falling by the wayside he + has got the elements to make the boss christian, and Ma and me are doing + all we can.” + </p> + <p> + “What was the doctor at your house for this morning?” asked the + groceryman, “Is your Ma sick?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Ma is worth two in the bush. It’s Pa that ain’t well. He is having + some trouble with his digestion. You see he went to the exposition with me + as guide, and that is enough to ruin any man’s digestion. Pa is + near-sighted, and he said he wanted me to go along and show him things. + Well, I never had so much fun since Pa fell out of the boat. First we went + in by the fountain, and Pa never had been in the exposition building + before. Last year he was in Yourip, and he was astonished at the magnitude + of everything. First I made him jump clear across the aisle there, where + the stuffed tigers are, by the fur place. I told him the keeper was just + coming along with some meat to feed the animals, and when they smelled the + meat they just clawed things. He run against a show-case, and then wanted + to go away. + </p> + <p> + “He said he traveled with a circus when he was young, and nobody knew the + dangers of fooling around wild animals better than he did. He said once he + fought with seven tigers and two Nubian lions for five hours, with Mabee’s + old show. I asked him if that was afore he got religin, and he said never + you mind. He is an old liar, even if he is converted. Ma says he never was + with a circus, and she has known him ever since he wore short dresses. + Wall, you would a dide to see Pa there by the furniture place, where they + have got beautiful beds and chairs. There was one blue chair under a glass + case, all velvet, and a sign was over it, telling people to keep their + hands off. Pa asked me what the sign was, and I told him it said ladies + and gentlemen are requested to sit in the chairs and try them. Pa climbed + over the railing and was just going to sit down on the glass show case + over the chair, when one of the walk-around fellows, with imitation police + hats, took him by the collar and yanked him back over the railing, and was + going to kick Pa’s pants. Pa was mad to have his coat collar pulled up + over his head, and have the set of his coat spoiled, and he was going to + sass the man, when I told Pa the man was a lunatic from the asylum, that + was on exhibition, and Pa wanted to go away from there. He said he didn’t + know what they wanted to exhibit lunatics for. We went up stairs to the + pancake bazar, where they broil pancakes out of self rising flour, and put + butter and sugar on them and give them away. Pa said he could eat more + pancakes than any man out of jail, and wanted me to get him some. I took a + couple of pancakes and tore out a piece of the lining of my coat and put + it between the pancakes and handed them to Pa, with a paper around the + pancakes. Pa didn’t notice the paper nor the cloth, and it would have made + you laff to see him chew on them. I told him I guessed he didn’t have as + good teeth as he used to, and he said never you mind the teeth, and he + kept on until he swallowed the whole business, and he said he guessed he + didn’t want any more. He is so sensitive about his teeth that he would eat + a leather apron if anybody told him he couldn’t. When the doctor said Pa’s + digestion was bad, I told him if he could let Pa swallow a seamstress or a + sewing machine, to sew up the cloth, he would get well, and the Doc. says + I am going to be the death of Pa some day. But I thought I should split + when Pa wanted a drink of water. I asked him if he would druther have + mineral water, and he said he guessed it would take the strongest kind of + mineral water to wash down them pancakes, so I took him to where the fire + extinguishers are, and got him to take the nozzle of the extinguisher in + his mouth, and I turned the faucet. I don’t think he got more than a quart + of the stuff out of the saleratus machine down him, but he rared right up + and said he be condamed if believed that water was ever intended to drink, + and he felt as though he should bust, and just then the man who kicks the + big organ struck up and the building shook, and I guess Pa thought he <i>had</i> + busted. The most fun was when we came along to where the wax woman is. + They have got a wax woman dressed up to kill, and she looks just as + natural as if she could breathe. She had a handkerchief in her hand, and + as we came along I told Pa there was a lady that seemed to know him. Pa is + on the mash himself, and he looked at her and smiled and said good + evening, and asked me who she was. + </p> + <p> + “I told him it looked to me like the girl that sings in the choir at our + church, and Pa said corse it is, and he went right in where she was and + said “pretty good show, isn’t it,” and put out his hand to shake hands + with her, but the woman who tends the stand came along and thought Pa was + drunk and said “old gentleman I guess you had better get out of here. This + is for ladies only.” + </p> + <p> + “Pa said he didn’t care nothing about her lady’s only, all he wanted was + to converse with an acquaintance, and then one of the policemen came along + and told Pa he had better go down to the saloon where he belonged. Pa + excused himself to the wax woman, and said he would see her later, and + told the policeman if he would come out on the sidewalk he would knock + leven kinds of stuffin out of him. The policeman told him that would be + all right, and I led Pa away. He was offul mad. But it was the best fun + when the lights went out. You see the electric light machine slipped a + cog, or lost its cud, and all of a sudden the lights went out and it was + as dark as a squaw’s pocket. Pa wanted to know what made it so dark, and I + told him it was not dark. He said boy don’t you fool me. You see I thought + it would be fun to make Pa believe he was struck blind, so I told him his + eyes must be wrong. He said do you mean to say you can see, and I told him + everything was as plain as day, and I pointed out the different things, + and explained them, and walked Pa along, and acted just as though I could + see, and Pa said it had come at last. He had felt for years as though he + would some day lose his eyesight and now it had come and he said he laid + it all to that condamned mineral water. After a little they lit some of + the gas burners, and Pa said he could see a little, and wanted to go home, + and I took him home. When we got out of the building he began to see + things, and said his eyes were coming around all right. Pa is the easiest + man to fool ever I saw.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I should think he would kill you,” said the grocery man. “Don’t he + ever catch on, and find out you have deceived him?” + </p> + <p> + “O, sometimes. But about nine times in ten I can get away with him. Say, + don’t you want to hire me for a clerk?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said that he had rather have a spotted hyena, and the boy + stole a melon and went away. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA CATCHES OK—TWO DAYS AND NIGHTS IN THE BATH ROOM— + RELIGION CAKES THE OLD MAN’S BREAST—THE BAD BOY’S CHUM— + DRESSED UP AS A GIRL—THE OLD MAN DELUDED—THE COUPLE START + FOR THE COURT HOUSE PARK—HIS MA APPEARS ON THE SCENE—“IF + YOU LOVE ME KISS ME”—MA TO THE RESCUE—“I AM DEAD AM I?” + HIS PA THROWS A CHAIR THROUGH THE TRANSOM. +</pre> + <p> + “Where have you been for a week back,” asked the grocery man of the bad + boy, as the boy pulled the tail board out of the delivery wagon + accidentally and let a couple of bushels of potatoes roll out into the + gutter. “I haven’t seen you around here, and you look pale. You haven’t + been sick, have you?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I have not been sick. Pa locked me up in the bath-room for two days + and two nights, and didn’t give me nothing to eat but bread and water. + Since he has got religious he seems to be harder than ever on me. Say, do + you think religion softens a man’s heart, or does it give him a caked + breast? I ’spect Pa will burn me at the stake next.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said that when a man had truly been converted his heart + was softened, and he was always looking for a chance to do good and be + kind to the poor, but if he only had this galvanized religion, this roll + plate piety, or whitewashed reformation, he was liable to be a harder + citizen than before. “What made your Pa lock you up in the bath-room on + bread and water?” he asked. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” says the boy, as he eat a couple of salt pickles out of a jar on + the sidewalk, “Pa is not converted enough to hurt him, and I knowed it, + and I thought it would be a good joke to try him and see if he was so + confounded good, so I got my chum to dress up in a suit of his sister’s + summer clothes. Well, you wouldn’t believe my chum would look so much like + a girl. He would fool the oldest inhabitant. You know how fat he is. He + had to sell his bicycle to a slim fellow that clerks in a store, cause he + didn’t want it any more. His neck is just as fat and there are dimples in + it, and with a dress low in the neck, and long at the trail he looks as + tall as my Ma. He busted one of his sister’s slippers getting them on, and + her stockings were a good deal too big for him, but he tucked his drawers + down in them and tied a suspender around his leg above the knee, and they + stayed on all right. Well, he looked killin’, I should prevaricate, with + his sister’s muslin dress on, starched as stiff as a shirt, and her + reception hat with a white feather as big as a Newfoundland dog’s tail. Pa + said he had got to go down town to see some of the old soldiers of his + regiment, and I loafed along behind. My chum met Pa on the corner and + asked him where the Lake Shore Park was. “She” said she was a stranger + from Chicago, that her husband had deserted her and she didn’t know but + she would jump into the lake. Pa looked in my chum’s eye and sized her up, + and said it would be a shame to commit suicide, and asked if she didn’t + want to take a walk, My chum said he should titter, and he took Pa’s arm + and they walked up to the lake and back. Well, you may talk about joining + the church on probation all you please, but they get their arm around a + girl all the same. Pa hugged my chum till he says he thought Pa would + break his sister’s corset all to pieces, and he squeezed my chum’s hand + till the ring cut right into his finger and he has to wear a piece of + court plaster on it. They started for the Court House park, as I told my + chum to do, and I went and got Ma. It was about time for the soldiers to + go to the exposition for the evening bizness, and I told Ma we could go + down and see them go by. Ma just throwed a shawl over her head and we + started down through the park. When we got near Pa and my chum I told Ma + it was a shame for so many people to be sitting around lally-gagging right + before folks, and she said it was disgustin’, and then I pointed to my + chum who had his head on Pa’s bosom, and Pa was patting my chum on the + cheek, while he held his other arm around his waist, They was on the iron + seat, and we came right up behind them and when Ma saw Pa’s bald head I + thought she would bust. She knew his head as quick as she sot eyes on it.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p066.jpg" alt="Ma Appears on the Scene P066 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “My chum asked Pa if he was married, and he said he was a widower, He said + his wife died fourteen years ago, of liver complaint. Well, Ma shook like + a leaf, and I could hear her new teeth rattle just like chewing + strawberries with sand in them. Then my chum put his arms around Pa’s neck + and said, “If you love me kiss me in the mouth.” Pa was just leaning down + to kiss my chum when Ma couldn’t stand it any longer, and she went right + around in front of them, and she grabbed my chum by the hair and it all + came off, hat and all; and my chum jumped up and Ma scratched him in the + face, and my chum tried to get his hands in his pants pocket to get his + handkerchief to wipe off the blood on his nose, and Ma she turned on Pa + and he turned pale, and then she was going for my chum again when he said, + “O let up on a feller,” and he see she was mad and he grabbed the hat and + hair off the gravel walk and took the skirt of his sister’s dress in his + hand and sifted out for home on a gallop, and Ma took Pa by the elbow and + said, “You are a nice old party, ain’t you? I am dead, am I? Died of liver + complaint fourteen years ago, did I? You will find an animated corpse on + your hands. Around kissing spry wimmen out in the night, sir.” When they + started home Pa seemed to be as weak as a cat, and couldn’t say a word, + and I asked if I could go to the exposition, and they said I could, I + don’t know what happened after they got home, but Pa was setting up for me + when I got back and he wanted to know what I brought Ma down there for, + and how I knew he was there. + </p> + <p> + “I thought it would help Pa out of the scrape and so I told him it was not + a girl he was hugging at all, but it was my chum, and he laffed at first, + and told Ma it was not a girl, but Ma said she knew a darn sight better. + She guessed she could tell a girl. + </p> + <p> + “Then Pa was mad and he said I was at the bottom of the whole bizness, and + he locked me up, and said I was enough to paralyze a saint. I told him + through the key-hole that a saint that had any sense ought to tell a boy + from a girl, and then he throwed a chair at me through the transom. The + worst of the whole thing is my chum is mad at me cause Ma scratched him, + and he says that lets him out. He don’t go into any more schemes with me. + Well, I must be going. Pa is going to have my measure taken for a raw + hide, he says, and I have got to stay at home from the sparing match and + learn my Sunday school lesson.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA AT THE REUNION. THE OLD MAN IN MILITARY SPLENDOR— + TELLS HOW HE MOWED DOWN THE REBELS—“I AND GRANT”—WHAT IS A + SUTLER?—TEN DOLLARS FOR PICKELS!—“LET US HANG HIM!”—THE + OLD MAN ON THE RUN—HE STANDS UP TO SUPPER—THE BAD BOY IS + TO DIE AT SUNSET. +</pre> + <p> + “I saw your Pa wearing a red, white, and blue badge, and a round red + badge, and several other badges, last week, during the reunion,” said the + grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth asked for a piece of codfish skin + to settle coffee with. “He looked like a hero, with his old black hat, + with a gold cord around it.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, he wore all the badges he could get, the first day, but after he + blundered into a place where there were a lot of fellows from his own + regiment, he took off the badges, and he wasn’t very numerous around the + boys the rest of the week. But he was lightning on the sham battle,” says + the boy. + </p> + <p> + “What was the matter? Didn’t the old soldiers treat him well? Didn’t they + seem to yearn for his society?” asked the grocery man, as the boy was + making a lunch on some sweet crackers in a tin cannister. + </p> + <p> + “Well, they were not very much mashed on Pa. You see, Pa never gets tired + telling us about how he fit in the army. For several years I didn’t know + what a sutler was, and when Pa would tell about taking a musket that a + dead soldier had dropped, and going into the thickest of the light, and + fairly mowing down the rebels in swaths the way they cut hay, I thought he + was the greatest man that ever was. Until I was eleven years old I thought + Pa had killed men enough to fill the Forest Home cemetery. I thought a + sutler was something higher than a general, and Pa used to talk about “I + and Grant,” and what Sheridan told him, and how Sherman marched with him + to the sea, and all that kind of rot, until I wondered why they didn’t + have pictures of Pa on a white horse, with epaulets on, and a sword. One + day at school I told a boy that my Pa killed more men than Grant, and the + boy said he didn’t doubt it, but he killed them with commissary whiskey. + The boy said his Pa was in the same regiment that my Pa was sutler of, and + his Pa said my Pa charged him five dollars for a canteen of peppersauce + and alcohol and called it whiskey. Then I began to enquire into it, and + found out that a sutler was a sort of liquid peanut stand, and that his + rank in the army was about the same as a chestnut roaster on the sidewalk + here at home. It made me sick, and I never had the same respect for Pa + after that. But Pa, don’t care. He thinks he is a hero, and tried to get a + pension on account of losing a piece of his thumb, but when the officers + found he was wounded by the explosion of a can of baked beans, they + couldn’t give it to him. Pa was down town when the veterans were here, and + I was with him, and I saw a lot of old soldiers looking at Pa, and I told + him they acted as though they knew him, and he put on his glasses, and + said to one of them, “How are you Bill?” The soldier looked at Pa and + called the other soldiers, and one said, That’s the old duffer that sold + me the bottle of brandy peaches at Chickamauga, for three dollars, and + they eat a hole through my stummick. Another said, ‘He’s the cuss that + took ten dollars out of my pay for pickles that were put up in <i>aqua + fortis</i>. Look at the corps badges he has on.’ Another said, ‘The old + whelp! He charged me fifty cents a pound for onions when I had the scurvy + at Atlanta.’ Another said, ‘He beat me out of my wages playing draw poker + with a cold deck, and the aces up his sleeve. Let us hang him.’ By this + time Pa’s nerves got unstrung and began to hurt him, and he said he wanted + to go home, and when we got around the corner he tore off his badges and + threw them in the sewer, and said it was all a man’s life was worth to be + a veteran now days. He didn’t go down town again till next day, and when + he heard a band playing he would go around a block. But at the sham battle + where there were no veterans hardly, he was all right with the militia + boys, and told them how he did when he was in the army. I thought it would + be fun to see Pa run, and so when one of the cavalry fellows lost his cap + in the charge, and was looking for it, I told the dragoon that the pussy + old man over by the fence had stolen his cap. That was Pa. Then I told Pa + that the soldier on the horse said he was a rebel, and he was going to + kill him. The soldier started after Pa with his sabre drawn, and Pa + started to run, and it was funny you bet.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p071.jpg" alt="Pa on the Run P071 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “The soldier galloped his horse, and yelled, and Pa put in his best licks, + and run up the track to where there was a board off the fence, and tried + to get through, but he got stuck, and the soldier put the point of his + sabre on Pa’s pants and pushed, and Pa got through the fence and I guess + he ran all the way home. At supper time Pa would not come to the table, + but stood up and ate off the side board, and Ma said Pa’s shirt was all + bloody, and Pa said mor’n fifty of them cavalry men charged on him, and he + held them at bay as long as he could, and then retired in good order. This + morning a boy told him that I set the cavalry man onto him, and he made me + wear two mouse traps on my ears all the forenoon, and he says he will kill + me at sunset. I ain’t going to be there at sunset, and don’t you remember + about it. Well, good bye. I have got to go down to the morgue and see them + bring in the man that was found on the lake shore, and see if the morgue + keeper is drunk this time.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY IN LOVE—ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN?—NO GETTING TO + HEAVEN ON SMALL POTATOES!—THE BAD BOY HAS TO CHEW COBS—MA + SAYS IT’S GOOD FOR A BOY TO BE IN LOVE—LOVE WEAKENS THE BAD + BOY—HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO GET MARRIED?—MAD DOG!—NEVER + EAT ICE CREAM. +</pre> + <p> + “Are you a christian?” asked the bad boy of the grocery man, as that + gentleman was placing vegetables out in front of the grocery one morning. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I hope so,” answered the grocery man, “I try to do what is right, + and hope to wear the golden crown when the time comes to close my books.” + </p> + <p> + “Then how is it that you put out a box of great big sweet potatoes, and + when we order some, and they come to the table, they are little bits of + things, not bigger than a radish? Do you expect to get to heaven on such + small potatoes, when you use big ones for a sign?” asked the boy, as he + took out a silk handkerchief and brushed a speck of dust off his nicely + blacked shoes. + </p> + <p> + The grocery man blushed and said he did not mean to take any such + advantage of his customers. + </p> + <p> + He said it must have been a mistake of the boy that delivers groceries. + </p> + <p> + “Then you must hire the boy to make mistakes, for it has been so every + time we have had sweet potatoes for five years,” said the boy. “And about + green corn. You have a few ears stripped down to show how nice and plump + it is, and if we order a dozen ears there are only two that have got any + corn on at all, and Pa and Ma gets them, and the rest of us have to chew + cobs. Do you hope to wear a crown of glory on that kind of corn?” + </p> + <p> + “O, such things will happen,” said the grocery man with a laugh, “But + don’t let’s talk about heaven. Let’s talk about the other place. How’s + things over to your house? And say, what’s the matter with you. You are + all dressed up, and have got a clean shirt on, and your shoes blacked, and + I notice your pants are not raveled out so at the bottoms of the legs + behind. You are not in love are you?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I should smile,” said the boy, as he looked in a small mirror on + the counter, covered with fly specks. “A girl got mashed on me, and Ma + says it is good for a boy who hasn’t got no sister, to be in love with a + girl, and so I kind of tumbled to myself and she don’t go no where without + I go with her. I take her to dancing school, and everywhere, and she loves + me like a house afire. Say, was you ever in love? Makes a fellow feel + queer, don’t it? Well sir, the first time I went home with her I put my + arm around her, and honest it scared me. It was just like when you take + hold of the handles of a lectric battery, and you can’t let go till the + man turns the knob. Honest, I was just as weak as a cat. I thought she had + needles in her belt and was going to take my arm away, but it was just + like it was glued on. I asked her if she felt that way too, and she said + she used to, but it was nothing when you got used to it. That made me mad. + But she is older than me and knows more about it. When I was going to + leave her at the gate, she kissed me, and that was worse than putting my + arm around her. By gosh, I trembled all over just like I had chills, but I + was as warm as toast. She wouldn’t let go for much as a minute, and I was + tired as though I had been carrying coal up stairs.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p074.jpg" alt="The Bad Boy and his Girl P074 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I didn’t want to go home at all, but she said it would be the best way + for me to go home, and come again the next day, and the next morning I + went to her house before any of them were up, and her Pa came out to let + the cat in, and I asked him what time his girl got up, and he laffed and + said I had got it bad, and that I had better go home and not be picked + till I got ripe. Say, how much does it cost to get married?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I should say you had got it bad,” said the grocery man, as he set + out a basket of beets. “Your getting in love will be a great thing for + your Pa. You won’t have any time to play any more jokes on him.” + </p> + <p> + “O, I guess we can find time to keep Pa from being lonesome. Have you seen + him this morning? You ought to have seen him last night. You see, my + chum’s Pa has got a setter dog stuffed. It is one that died two years ago, + and he thought a great deal of it, and he had it stuffed, for a ornament. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my chum and me took the dog and put it on our front steps, and took + some cotton and fastened it to the dog’s mouth so it looked just like + froth, and we got behind the door and waited for Pa to come home from the + theatre. When Pa started to come up the steps I growled and Pa looked at + the dog and said, “Mad dog, by crimus,” and he started down the sidewalk, + and my chum barked just like a dog, and I “Ki-yi’d” and growled like a dog + that gets licked, and you ought to see Pa run. He went around in the alley + and was going to get in the basement window, and my chum had a revolver + with some blank cartridges, and we went down in the basement and when Pa + was trying to open the window my chum began to fire towards Pa. Pa + hollered that it was only him, and not a burglar, but after my chum fired + four shots Pa run and climbed over the fence, and then we took the dog + home and I stayed with my chum all night, and this morning Ma said Pa + didn’t get home till four o’clock and then a policeman came with him, and + Pa talked about mad dogs and being taken for a burglar and nearly killed, + and she said she was afraid Pa had took to drinking again, and she asked + me if I heard any firing of guns, and I said no, and then she put a wet + towel on Pa’s head.” + </p> + <p> + “You ought to be ashamed,” said the grocery man “How does your Pa like + your being in love with the girl? Does he seem to encourage you in it?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes, she was up to our house to borry some tea, and Pa patted her on + the cheek and hugged her and said she was a dear little daisy, and wanted + her to sit in his lap, but when I wanted him to let me have fifty cents to + buy her some ice cream he said that was all nonsense. He said: “Look at + your Ma. Eating ice cream when she was a girl was what injured her health + for life.” I asked Ma about it, and she said Pa never laid out ten cents + for ice cream or any luxury for her in all the five years he was sparking + her. She says he took her to a circus once but he got free tickets for + carrying water for the elephant. She says Pa was tighter than the bark to + a tree. I tell you its going to be different with me. If there is anything + that girl wants she is going to have it if I have to sell Ma’s copper + boiler to get the money, What is the use of having wealth if you hoard it + up and don’t enjoy it? This family will be run on different principles + after this, you bet. Say, how much are those yellow wooden pocket combs in + the show case? I’ve a good notion to buy them for her. How would one of + them round mirrors, with a zinc cover, do for a present for a girl? + There’s nothing too good for her.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA FIGHTS HORNETS—THE OLD MAN LOOKS BAD—THE WOODS OF + WAUWATOSA—THE OLD MAN TAKES A NAP—“HELEN DAMNATION”— + “HELL IS OUT FOR NOON”—THE LIVER MEDICINE—ITS WONDERFUL + EFFECTS—THE BAD BOY IS DRUNK!—GIVE ME A LEMON!—A SIGHT OF + THE COMET!—THE HIRED GIRL’S RELIGION. +</pre> + <p> + “Go away from here now,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came + into the store and was going to draw some cider out of a barrel into a + pint measure that had flies in it. “Get right out of this place, and don’t + let me see you around here until the health officer says you Pa has got + over the small pox. I saw him this morning and his face is all covered + with postules, and they will have him in the pest house before night. You + git,” and he picked up a butter tryer and went for the boy who took refuge + behind a barrel of onions, and held up his hands as though Jesse James had + drawn a bead on him. + </p> + <p> + “O, you go and chase yourself. That is not small pox Pa has got. He had a + fight with a nest of hornets,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Hornets! Well, I’ll be cussed,” remarked the grocery man, as he put up + the butter tryer, and handed the boy a slice of rotten muskmelon. “How in + the world did he get into a nest of hornets? I hope you did not have + anything to do with it.” + </p> + <p> + The boy buried his face in the melon, until he looked as though a yellow + gash had been cut from his mouth to his ears, and after swallowing the + melon, he said: “Well, Pa says I was responsible, and he says that settles + it, and I can go my way and he will go his. He said he was willing to + overlook everything I had done to make his life unbearable, but steering + him onto a nest of hornets, and then getting drunk, was too much, and I + can go.” + </p> + <p> + “What, you haven’t been drunk,” says the grocery man, “Great heavens, that + will kill your poor old father.” + </p> + <p> + “O, I guess it won’t kill him very much. He has been getting drunk for + twenty years, and he says he is healthier to-day than he ever was, since + his liver has got to working again. You see, Monday was a regular Indian + summer day, and Pa said he would take me and my chum out in the woods to + gather hickory nuts, if we would be good. I said I would, and my chum said + he would, and we got a couple of bags and went away out to Wauwatosa, in + the woods. We clubbed the trees and got more nuts than anybody, and had a + lunch, and Pa was just enjoying his relidgin first rate. While Pa was + taking a nap under a tree, my chum and me looked around and found a + hornets’ nest on the lower limb of the tree we were sitting under, and my + chum said it would be a good joke to get a pole and run it into the + hornet’s nest, and then run. Honest, I didn’t think about Pa being under + the tree, and I went into a field and got a hop pole, and put the small + end up into the nest, and gouged the nest a couple of times, and when the + boss hornet came out of the hole and looked sassy, and then looked back in + the hole and whistled to the other hornets to come out and have a circus, + and they began to come out, my chum and me run and climbed over a fence, + and got behind a pile of hop poles that was stacked up.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p079.jpg" alt="Helen Damnation P079 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I guess the hornets saw my Pa just as quick as they got out of the nest, + cause pretty soon we heard Pa call to ‘Helen Damnation,’ or some woman we + didn’t know, and then he took his coat, that he had been using for a + pillow, and whipped around, and he slapped hisself on the shoulders, and + then took the lunch basket and pounded around like he was crazy, and + bime-by he started on a run towards town, holding his pants up, cause his + suspenders was hanging down on his hips, and I never see a fat man run so, + and fan himself with a basket. We could hear him yell, ‘come on, boys. + Hell is out for noon,’ and he went over a hill, and we didn’t see him any + more. We waited till near dark because we was afraid to go after the bags + of nuts till the hornets had gone to bed, and then we came home. The bags + were awful heavy, and I think it was real mean in Pa to go off and leave + us, and not help carry the bags.” + </p> + <p> + “I swan,” says the grocery man, “You are too mean to live. But what about + your getting drunk?” + </p> + <p> + “O, I was going to tell you. Pa had a bottle of liver medicine in his coat + pocket, and when he was whipping his hornets the bottle dropped out, and I + picked it up to carry it home to him. My chum wanted to smell of the liver + medicine, so he took out the cork and it smelled just like in front of a + liquor store on East Water street, and my chum said his liver was bad, + too, and he took a swaller, and he said he should think it was enough to + cut a feller’s liver up in slices, but it was good, and then I had a + peculiar feeling in my liver, and my chum said his liver felt better after + he took a swaller, and and so I took a swaller, and it was the offulest + liver remedy I ever tasted. It scorched my throat just like the diptheria, + but it beats diptheria, or sore throat, all to pieces, and my chum and me + laffed, we was so tickled. Did you ever take liver medicine? You know how + it makes you feel as if your liver had got on top of your lights, and like + you wanted to jump and holler. Well, sir, honest that liver medicine made + me dance a jig on the viaduct bridge, and an old soldier from the + soldiers’ home came along and asked us what was the matter, and we told + him about our livers, and the liver medicine, and showed him the bottle, + and he said he sposed he had the worst liver in the world, and said the + doctors at the home, couldn’t cure him. It’s a mean boy that won’t help a + nold vetran cure his liver, so I told him to try Pa’s liver remedy, and he + took a regular cow swaller, and said, ‘here’s to your livers, boys.’ He + must have a liver bigger nor a cow’s, and I guess it is better now. + </p> + <p> + “Then my liver begun to feel curus again, and my chum said his liver was + getting torpid some more, and we both took another dose, and started home + and we got generous, and give our nuts all away to some boys. Say, does + liver medicine make a feller give away all he has got? We kept taking + medicine every five blocks, and we locked arms and went down a back street + and sung ‘O it is a glorious thing to be a pirut king,’ and when we got + home my heart felt bigger nor a washtub and I thought p’raps my liver had + gone to my head, and Pa came to the door with his face tied up in towels, + and some yellow stuff on the towels that smelted like anarchy, and I + slapped him on the shoulder and shouted, ’Hello, Gov., how’s your liver,’ + and gave him the bottle, and it was empty, and he asked me if we had been + drinking that medicine and he said he was ruined, and I told him he could + get some more down to the saloon, and he took hold of my collar and I + lammed him in the ear, and he bounced me up stairs, and then I turned + pale, and had cramps, and I didn’t remember any more till I woke up and + the doctor was over me, and Pa and Ma looked scared, and the Doc. had a + tin thing like you draw water out of a country cistern, only smaller, and + Ma said if it hadn’t been for the stomach pump she wouldn’t have had any + little boy, and I looked at the knobs on Pa’s face and I laffed and asked + Pa if he got into the hornets, too. Then the Doc. laffed, and Ma cried, + and Pa swore, and I groaned, and got sick again, and then they let me go + to sleep again, and this morning I had the offulest headache, and Pa’s + face looks like he had fell on a picket fence. When I got out I went to my + chum’s house to see if they had got him pumped out, and his Ma drove me + out with a broom, and she says I will ruin every boy in the neighborhood. + Pa says I was drunk and kicked him in the groin when he fired me up + stairs, and I asked him how I could be drunk just taking medicine for my + liver, and he said go to the devil, and I came over here. Say, give me a + lemon to settle my stomach.” + </p> + <p> + “But, look-a-here,” says the grocery man, as he gave the boy a little + dried up lemon, about as big as a prune, and told him he was a terror, + “what is the matter of your eye winkers and your hair? They seem to be + burned off.” + </p> + <p> + “O, thunder, didn’t Pa tell you about the comet exploding and burning us + all? That was the worst thing since the flood, when Noar run the excursion + boat from Kalamazoo to Mount Ararat. You see we had been reading about the + comet, which is visible at four o’clock in the morning, and I heard Pa + tell the hired girl to wake him and Ma up when she got up to set the + pancakes and go to early mass so they could, see the comet. The hired girl + is a Cathlick, and she don’t make no fuss about it, but she has got more + good, square relidgin than a dozen like Pa. It makes a good deal of + difference how relidgin affects different people, don’t it. Now Pa’s + relidgin makes him wild, and he wants to kick my pants, and pull my hair, + but the hired girl’s relidgin makes her want to hug me, if I am abused, + and she puts anarchy on my bruises, and gives me pie. Pa wouldn’t get up + at four o’clock in the morning to go to early mass, unless he could take a + fish pole along and some angel worms. The hired girl prays when no one + sees her but God, but Pa wants to get a church full of sisterin’, and pray + loud, as though he was an auctioneer selling tin razors. Say, it beats all + what a difference liver medicine has on two people, too. Now that hickory + nut day, when me and my chum got full of Pa’s liver medicine, I felt so + good natured I gave my hickory nuts away to the children, and wanted to + give my coat and pants to a poor tramp, but my chum, who ain’t no bigger’n + me, got on his ear and wanted to kick the socks off a little girl who was + going home from school. It’s queer, ain’t it. Well, about the cornet. When + I heard Pa tell the hired girl to wake him and Ma up, I told her to’ wake + me up about half an hour before she waked Pa up, and then I got my chum to + stay with me, and we made a comet to play on Pa, you see my room is right + over Pa’s room, and I got two lengths of stove pipe and covered them all + over with phosphorus, so they looked just as bright at as a comet. Then we + got two Roman candles and a big sky rocket, and we were going to touch off + the Roman candles and the sky rocket just as Pa and Ma got to looking at + the comet. I didn’t know that a sky rocket would kick back, did you? Well, + you’d a dide to see that comet. We tied a piece of white rubber garden + hose to the stove pipe for a tail and went to bed, and when the girl woke + us up we laid for Pa and Ma. Pretty soon we heard Pa’s window open, and I + looked out, and Pa and Ma had their heads and half their bodies out of the + window. They had their night shirts on and looked just like the pictures + of Millerites waiting for the world to come to an end. Pa looked up and + seed the stove pipe and he said: + </p> + <p> + “Hanner, for God’s sake, look up there. That is the damest comet I ever + see. It is as bright as day. See the tail of it. Now that is worth getting + up to see.” + </p> + <p> + “Just then my chum lit the two Roman candles and I touched off the rocket, + and that’s where my eye winkers went. The rocket busted the joints of the + stove pipe, and they fell down on Pa, but Ma got her head inside before + the comet struck, and wasn’t hurt, but one length of stove pipe struck Pa + endways on the neck and almost cut a biscuit out of him, and the fire and + sparks just poured down in his hair, and burned his night shirt. Pa was + scart. He thought the world was coming to an end, and the window came down + on his back, and he began to sing, “Earth’s but a desert drear, Heaven is + my home.” I see he was caught in the window, and I went down stairs to put + out the fire on his night shirt, and put up the window to let him in, and + he said, “My boy, your Ma and I are going to Heaven, but I fear you will + go to the bad place,” and I told him I would take my chances, and he + better put on his pants if he was going anywhere that there would be + liable to be ladies present, and when he got his head in Ma told him the + world was not coming to an end, but somebody had been setting off + fireworks, and she said she guessed it was their dear little boy, and when + I saw Pa feeling under the bed for a bed slat I got up stairs pretty + previous now, and don’t you forget it, and Ma put cold cream on where the + sparks burnt Pa’s shirt, and Pa said another day wouldn’t pass over his + head before he had me in the Reform School. Well, if I go to the Reform + School, somebody’s got to pay attention, you can bet your liver. A boy + can’t have any fun these days without everybody thinks he is a heathen. + What hurt did it do to play comet? It’s a mean father that wont stand a + little scorchin’ in the interests of science.” + </p> + <p> + The boy went out, scratching the place where his eye winkers were, and + then the grocery man knew what it was that caused the fire engines to be + out around at four o’clock in the morning, looking for a fire. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GOES HUNTING. MUTILATED JAW—THE OLD MAN HAS TAKEN TO + SWEARING AGAIN—OUT WEST DUCK SHOOTING—HIS COAT-TAIL SHOT + OFF—SHOOTS AT A WILD GOOSE—THE GUN KICKS!—THROWS A CHAIR + AT HIS SON—THE ASTONISHED SHE DEACON. +</pre> + <p> + “What has your Pa got his jaw tied up for, and what makes his right eye so + black and blue,” asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as the boy came to + bring some butter back that was strong enough to work on the street. “You + haven’t hurt your poor old Pa, have you?” + </p> + <p> + “O, his jaw is all right now. You ought to have seen him when the gun was + engaged in kicking him,” says the boy as he set the butter plate on the + cheese box. + </p> + <p> + “Well, tell us about it. What had the gun against your Pa? I guess it was + the son-of-a-gun that kicked him,” said the grocery man, as he winked at a + servant girl who came in with her apron over her head, after two cents + worth of yeast. + </p> + <p> + “I’ll tell you, if you will keep watch down street for Pa. He says he is + dammed if he will stand this foolishness any longer.” + </p> + <p> + “What, does your father swear, while he is on probation?” + </p> + <p> + “Swear! Well, I should cackle. You ought to have heard him when he come + to, and spit out the loose teeth. You see, since Pa quit drinking he is a + little nervous, and the doctor said he ought to go out somewhere and get + bizness off his mind, and hunt ducks, and row a boat, and get strength, + and Pa said shooting ducks was just in his hand, and for me to go and + borrow a gun, and I could go along and carry game. So I got a gun at the + gun store, and some cartridges, and we went away out west on the cars, + more than fifty miles, and stayed two days. You ought to seen Pa. He was + just like a boy that was sick, and couldn’t go to school. When we got out + by the lake he jumped up and cracked his heels together, and yelled. I + thought he was crazy, but he was only cunning. First I scared him nearly + to death by firing off the gun behind him, as we were going along the + bank, and blowing off a piece of his coat-tail. I knew it wouldn’t hurt + him, but he turned pale and told me to lay down that gun, and he picked it + up and carried it the rest of the way, and I was offul glad cause it was a + heavy gun. His coat-tail smelled like when you burn a rag to make the air + in the room stop smelling so, all the forenoon. You know Pa is a little + near sighted but he don’t believe it, so I got some of the wooden decoy + ducks that the hunters use, and put them in the lake, and you ought to see + Pa get down on his belly and crawl through the grass, to get up close to + them. + </p> + <p> + “He shot twenty times at the wooden ducks, and wanted me to go in and + fetch them out, but I told him I was no retriever dog. Then Pa was mad, + and said all he brought me along for was to carry game, and I had come + near shooting his hind leg off, and now I wouldn’t carry ducks. While he + was coaxing me to go in the cold water without my pants on, I heard some + wild geese squawking, and then Pa heard them, and he was excited. He said + you lay down behind the muskrat house, and I will get a goose. I told him + he couldn’t kill a goose with that fine shot, and I gave him a large + cartridge the gun store man loaded for me, with a handful of powder in, + and I told Pa it was a goose cartridge, and Pa put it in the gun. The + geese came along, about a mile high, squawking, and Pa aimed at a dark + cloud and fired. Well, I was offul scared, I thought I had killed him.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p088.jpg" alt="The Gun Just Rared up P088 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “The gun just rared up and come down on his jaw, shoulder and everywhere, + and he went over a log and struck on his shoulder, the gun flew out of his + hands, and Pa he laid there on his neck, with his feet over the log, and + that was the first time he didn’t scold me since he got relidgin. I felt + offul sorry, and got some dirty water in my hat and poured it down his + neck, and laid him out, and pretty soon he opened his eyes and asked if + any of the passengers got ashore alive. Then his eye swelled out so it + looked like a blue door-knob, and pa felt of his jaw, and asked if the + engineer and fireman jumped off, or if they went down with the engine. He + seemed dazed, and then he saw the gun, and he said take the dam thing + away, it is going to kick me again. Then he got his senses and wanted to + know if he killed a goose, and I told him no, but he nearly broke one’s + jaw, and then he said the gun kicked him when it went off, and he laid + down and the gun kept kicking him more than twenty times, when he was + trying to sleep. He went back to the tavern where we were stopping and + wouldn’t touch the gun, but made me lug it. He told the tavern keeper that + he fell over a wire fence, but I think he began to suspect, after he spit + the loose teeth out, that the gun was loaded for bear. I suppose he will + kill me some day. Don’t you think he will?” + </p> + <p> + “Any coroner’s jury would let him off and call it justifiable, if he + should kill you. You must be a lunatic. Has your Pa talked much about it + since you got back?” asked the grocery man. + </p> + <p> + “Not much. You see he can’t talk much without breaking his jaw. But he was + able to throw a chair at me. You see I thought I would joke him a little, + cause when anybody feels bad a joke kind of livens em up, so we were + talking about Pa’s liver, and Ma said he seemed to be better since his + liver had become more active, and I said, ‘Pa, when you was a rolling over + with the gun chasing you, and kicking you every round, your liver was + active enough, cause it was on top half the time.’ Then Pa throwed the + chair at me. He says he believes I knew that cartridge was loaded. But you + ought to seen the fun when an old she deacon of Pa’s church called to + collect some money to send to the heathens. + </p> + <p> + “Ma wasn’t in, so Pa went to the parlor to stand her off, and when she see + that Pa’s face was tied up, and his eye was black, and his jaw cracked, + she held up both hands and said, ’O, my dear brother, you have been drunk + again. You have backslid. You will have to go back and commence your + probation all over again, and Pa said, ‘Damfido,’ and the old she deacon + screamed and went off without getting enough money to buy a deck of round + cornered cards for the heathen. Say, what does ‘damfido,’ mean? Pa has + some of the queerest expressions, since he joined the church.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA IS “NISHIATED”—ARE YOU A MASON?—NO HARM TO PLAY aT + LODGE—WHY GOATS ARE KEPT IN STABLES—THE BAD BOY GETS THE + GOAT UP STAIRS—THE GRAND BUMPER DEGREE—KYAN PEPPER ON THE + GOAT’S BEARD—“BRING FORTH THE ROYAL BUMPER “—THE GOAT ON + THE RAMPAGE. +</pre> + <p> + “Say, are you a Mason, or a nodfellow, or anything?” asked the bad boy of + the grocery man, as he went to the cinnamon bag on the shelf and took out + a long stick of cinnamon bark to chew. + </p> + <p> + “Why, yes, of course I am, but what set you to thinking of that,” asked + the grocery man, as he went to the desk and charged the boy’s father with + a half a pound of cinnamon. + </p> + <p> + “Well, do the goats bunt when you nishiate a fresh candidate?” + </p> + <p> + “No, of course not. The goats are cheap ones, that have no life, and we + muzzle them, and put pillows over their heads, so they can’t hurt + anybody,” says the grocery man, as he winked at a brother Odd Fellow who + was seated on a sugar barrel, looking mysterious, “But why do you ask?” + </p> + <p> + “O, nothin, only I wish me and my chum had muzzled our goat with a pillow. + Pa would have enjoyed his becoming a member of our lodge better. You see, + Pa had been telling us how much good the Masons and Odd Fellers did, and + said we ought to try and grow up good so we could jine the lodges when we + got big, and I asked Pa if it would do any hurt for us to have a play + lodge in my room, and purtend to nishiate, and Pa said it wouldn’t do any + hurt. He said it would improve our minds and learn us to be men. So my + chum and me borried a goat that lives in a livery stable. Say, did you + know they keep a goat in a livery stable so the horses won’t get sick? + They get used to the smell of the goat, and after that nothing can make + them sick but a glue factory. I wish my girl boarded in a livery stable, + then she would get used to the smell. I went home with her from church + Sunday night, and the smell of the goat on my clothes made her sick to her + stummick, and she acted just like an excursion on the lake, and said if I + didn’t go and bury myself and take the smell out of me she wouldn’t never + go with me again. She was just as pale as a ghost, and the prespiration on + her lip was just zif she had been hit by a street sprinkler. You see my + chum and me had to carry the goat up to my room when Pa and Ma was out + riding, and he blatted so we had to tie a handkerchief around his nose, + and his feet made such a noise on the floor that we put some baby’s socks + on his feet. Gosh, how frowy a goat smells, don’t it? I should think you + Masons must have strong stummix, Why don’t you have a skunk or a mule for + a trade mark. Take a mule, and annoint it with limburg cheese and you + could initiate and make a candidate smell just as bad as with a gosh darn + mildewed goat. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my chum and me practiced with that goat until he could bunt the + picture of a goat every time. We borried a buck beer sign from a saloon + man and hung it on the back of a chair, and the goat would hit it every + time. That night Pa wanted to know what we were doing up in my room, and I + told him we were playing lodge, and improving our minds, and Pa said that + was right, there was nothing that did boys of our age half so much good as + to imitate men, and store by useful nollidge. Then my chum asked Pa if he + didn’t want to come up and take the grand bumper degree, and Pa laffed and + said he didn’t care if he did, just to encourage us boys in innocent + pastime, that was so improving to our intellex. + </p> + <p> + “We had shut the goat up in a closet in my room, and he had got over + blatting, so we took off the handkerchief, and he was eating some of my + paper collars, and skate straps. We went up stairs, and told Pa to come up + pretty soon and give three distinct raps, and when we asked him who comes + there he must say, ‘a pilgrim who wants to join your ancient order and + ride the goat.’ Ma wanted to come up too, but we told her if she come in + it would break up the lodge, cause a woman couldn’t keep a secret, and we + didn’t have any side saddle for the goat. Say, if you never tried it, the + next time you nitiate a man in your Mason’s lodge you sprinkle a little + kyan pepper on the goat’s beard just afore you turn him loose. You can get + three times as much fun to the square inch of goat. You wouldn’t think it + was the same goat. Well, we got all fixed and Pa rapped, and we let him in + and told him he must be blindfolded, and he got on his knees a laffing and + I tied a towel around his eyes, and then I turned him around and made him + get down on his hands also, and then his back was right towards the closet + door, and I put the buck beer sign right against Pa’s clothes. He was a + laffing all the time, and said we boys were as full of fun as they made + ’em, and we told him it was a solemn occasion, and we wouldn’t permit no + levity, and if he didn’t stop laffing we couldn’t give him the grand + bumper degree.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p093.jpg" alt="Then Everything Was Ready P093 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Then everything was ready, and my chum had his hand on the closet door, + and some kyan pepper in his other hand, and I asked Pa in low bass tones + if he felt as though he wanted to turn back, or if he had nerve enough to + go ahead and take the degree. I warned him that it was full of dangers, as + the goat was loaded for bear, and told him he yet had time to retrace his + steps if he wanted to. He said he wanted the whole bizness, and we could + go ahead with the menagerie. Then I said to Pa that if he had decided to + go ahead, and not blame us for the consequences, to repeat after me the + following: ‘Bring forth the Royal Bumper and let him Bump.’ Pa repeated + the words, and my chum sprinkled the kyan pepper on the goat’s moustache, + and he sneezed once and looked sassy, and then he see the lager beer goat + raring up, and he started for it, just like a cow catcher, and blatted. Pa + is real fat, but he knew he got hit, and he grunted, and said, + ’Hell’s-fire, what you boys doin?’” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p095.jpg" alt="Hell’s-fire, What You Boys Doin P095 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “And then the goat gave him another degree, and Pa pulled off the towel + and got up and started for the stairs, and so did the goat, and Ma was at + the bottom of the stairs listening, and when I looked over the banisters + Pa and Ma and the goat were all in a heap, and Pa was yelling murder, and + Ma was screaming fire, and the goat was blatting, and sneezing, and + bunting, and the hired girl came into the hall and the goat took after her + and she crossed herself just as the goat struck her and said, ’Howly + mother, protect me!’ and went down stairs the way we boys slide down hill, + with both hands on herself, and the goat rared up and blatted, and Pa and + Ma went into their room and shut the door, and then my chum and me opened + the front door and drove the goat out. The minister, who comes to see Ma + every three times a week, was just ringing the bell and the goat thought + he wanted to be nishiated too, and gave him one, for luck, and then went + down the sidewalk, blatting, and sneezing, and the minister came in the + parlor and said he was stabbed, and then Pa came out of his room with his + suspenders hanging down, and he didn’t know the minister was there, and he + said cuss words, and Ma cried and told Pa he would go to hell sure, and Pa + said he didn’t care, he would kill that kussid goat afore he went, and I + told Pa the minister was in the parlor, and he and Ma went down and said + the weather was propitious for a revival, and it seemed as though an + outpouring of the spirit was about to be vouchsafed to His people, and + none of them sot down but Ma, cause the goat didn’t hit her, and while + they were talking relidgin, with their mouths, and kussin the goat + inwardly, my chum and me adjourned the lodge, and I went and stayed with + him all night, and I haven’t been home since. But I don’t believe Pa will + lick me, cause he said he would not hold us responsible for the + consequences. He ordered the goat hisself, and we filled the order, don’t + you see? Well, I guess I will go and sneak in the back way, and find out + from the hired girl how the land lays. She won’t go back on me, cause the + goat was not loaded for hired girls. She just happened to get in at the + wrong time. Good bye, sir, Remember and give your goat kyan pepper in your + lodge.” + </p> + <p> + As the boy went away, and skipped over the back fence, the grocery man + said to his brother odd fellow, + </p> + <p> + “If that boy don’t beat the devil then I never saw one that did. The old + man ought to have him sent to a lunatic asylum.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS GIRL GOES BACK ON HIM—THE GROCERY MAN IS AFRAID—BUT + THE BAD BOY IS A WRECK!—“MY GIRL, HAS SHOOK ME!”—THE BAD + BOY’S HEART IS BROKEN—STILL HE ENJOYS A BIT OF FUN—COD- + LIVER OIL ON THE PANCAKES—THE HIRED GIRLS MADE VICTIMS—THE + BAD BOY VOWS VENGEANCE ON HIS GIRL AND THE TELEGRAPH + MESSENGER. +</pre> + <p> + “Now you git right away from here,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, + as he came in with a hungry look on his face, and a wild light in his eye. + “I am afraid of you. I wouldn’t be surprised to see you go off half cocked + and blow us all up. I think you are a devil. You may have a billy goat, or + a shot gun or a bottle of poison concealed about you. Condemn you, the + police ought to muzzle you. You will kill somebody yet. Here take a + handful of prunes and go off somewhere and enjoy yourself, and keep away + from here,” and the grocery man went on sorting potatoes, and watching the + haggard face of the boy. “What ails you anyway?” he added, as the boy + refused the prunes, and seemed to be sick to the stomach. + </p> + <p> + “O, I am a wreck,” said the boy, as he grated his teeth, and looked + wicked. “You see before you a shadow. I have drank of the sweets of life, + and now only the dregs remain. I look back at the happiness of the past + two weeks, during which I have been permitted to gaze into the fond blue + eyes of my loved one, and carry her rubbers to school for her to wear home + when it rained, to hear the sweet words that fell from her lips as she + lovingly told me I was a terror, and as I think it is all over, and that I + shall never again place my arm around her waist, I feel as if the world + had been kicked off its base and was whirling through space, liable to be + knocked into a cocked hat, and I don’t care a darn. My girl has shook me.” + </p> + <p> + “Sho! You don’t say so,” says the grocery man as he threw a rotten potato + into a basket of good ones that were going to the orphan asylum. “Well, + she showed sense. You would have blown her up, or broken her neck, or + something. But don’t feel bad. You will soon find another girl that will + discount her, and you will forget this one.” + </p> + <p> + “Never!” said the the boy, as he nibbled at a piece of codfish that he had + picked off. “I shall never allow my affections to become entwined about + another piece of calico. It unmans me, sir. Henceforth I am a hater of the + whole girl race. From this out I shall harbor revenge in my heart, and no + girl can cross my path and live. I want to grow up to become a he school + ma’am, or a he milliner, or something, where I can. grind girls into the + dust under the heel of a terrible despotism, and make them sue for mercy. + To think that girl, on whom I have lavished my heart’s best love and over + thirty cents, in the past two weeks, could let the smell of a goat on my + clothes come between us, and break off, an acquaintance that seemed to be + the forerunner of a happy future, and say “ta-ta” to me, and go off to + dancing school with a telegraph messenger boy who wears a sleeping car + porter uniform, is too much, and my heart is broken. I will lay for that + messenger some night, when he is delivering a message in our ward, and I + will make him think lightning has struck the wire and run in on his bench. + O, you don’t know anything about the woe there is in this world. You never + loved many people, did you?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man admitted he never loved very hard, but he knew a little + something about it from-an aunt of his, who got mashed on a Chicago + drummer. “But your father must be having a rest while your whole mind is + occupied with your love affair,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” says the boy, with a vacant look, “I take no interest in the + pleasure of the chase any more, though I did have a little quiet fun this + morning at the breakfast table. You see Pa is the contrariest man ever + was. If I complain that anything at the table don’t taste good, Pa says it + is all right. This morning I took the syrup pitcher and emptied out the + white syrup and put in some cod liver oil that Ma is taking for her cough. + I put some on my pancakes and pretended to taste of it, and I told Pa the + syrup was sour and not fit to eat. Pa was mad in a second, and he poured + out some on his pancakes, and said I was getting too confounded + particular. He said the syrup was good enough for him, and he sopped his + pancakes in it and fired some down his neck. He is a gaul durned + hypocrite, that’s what he is. I could see by his face that the cod liver + oil was nearly killing him, but he said that syrup was all right, and if I + didn’t eat mine he would break my back, and by gosh, I had to eat it, and + Pa said he guessed he hadn’t got much appetite, and he would just drink a + cup of coffee and eat a donut. + </p> + <p> + “I like to dide, and that is one thing, I think, that makes this + disappointment in love harder to bear. But I felt sorry for Ma. Ma ain’t + got a very strong stummick, and when she got some of that cod liver oil in + her mouth she went right up stairs, sicker’n a horse, and Pa had to help + her, and she had noo-ralgia all the morning. I eat pickles to take the + taste out of my mouth, and then I laid for the hired girls. They eat too + much syrup, anyway, and when they got on to that cod liver oil, and + swallowed a lot of it, one of them, a nirish girl, she got up from the + table and put her hand on her corset, and said, “howly Jaysus,” and went + out in the kitchen, as pale as Ma is when she has powder on her face, and + the other girl who is Dutch, she swallowed a pancake and said, “Mine Gott, + vas de matter from me,” and she went out and leaned on the coal bin, then + they talked Irish and Dutch, and got clubs, and started to look for me, + and I thought I would come over here. + </p> + <p> + “The whole family is sick, but it is not from love, like my illness, and + they will get over it, while I shall fill an early grave, but not till I + have made that girl and the telegraph messenger wish they were dead. Pa + and I are going to Chicago next week, and I’ll bet we’ll have some fun. Pa + says I need a change of air, and I think he is going to try and lose me. + It’s a cold day when I get left anywhere that I can’t find my way back, + Well, good bye, old rotten potatoes.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023_a" id="link2H_4_0023_a"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HE AND HIS PA IN CHICAGO—NOTHING LIKE TRAVELING TO GIVE + TONE—LAUGHING IN THE WRONG PLACE—A DIABOLICAL PLOT—HIS PA + ARRESTED AS A KIDNAPPER—THE NUMBERS ON THE DOORS CHANGED— + THE WRONG ROOM—“NOTHIN THE MAZZER WITH ME, PET!”—THE TELL- + TALE HAT. +</pre> + <p> + “What is this I hear about your Pa’s being arrested in Chicago,” said the + grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in with a can for kerosene and a + jug for vinegar. + </p> + <p> + “Well, it was true, but the police let him go after they hit him a few + licks and took him to the station,” said the boy, as he got the vinegar + into the kerosene can, and the kerosene in the jug. “You see, Pa and me + went down there to stay over night, and have fun. Ma said she druther we + would be away then not when they were cleaning house, and Pa thought it + would do me good to travel, and sort of get tone, and he thought maybe I’d + be better, and not play jokes, but I guess it is born in me. Do you know I + actually think of mean things to do when I am in the most solemn places. + They took me to a funeral once; and I got to thinking what a stampede + there would be if the corpse would come to life and sit up in the coffin, + and I snickered right out, and Pa took me out doors and kicked my pants. I + don’t think he orter kicked me for it, cause I didn’t think of it a + purpose. Such things have occurred, and I have read about them, and a poor + boy ought to be allowed to think, hadn’t he?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, but what about his being arrested. Never mind the funeral,” said the + grocery man, as he took his knife and picked some of the lead out of the + weights on the scales. + </p> + <p> + “We went down on the cars, and Pa had a headache, because he had been out + all night electioneering for the prohibition ticket, and he was cross, and + scolded me, and once he pulled my ear cause I asked him if he knew the + girl he was winking at in a seat across the aisle. I didn’t enjoy myself + much, and some men were talking about kidnapping children, and it gave me + an ijee, and just before I got to Chicago I went after a drink of water at + the other end of the car, and I saw a man who looked as though he wouldn’t + stand any fooling, and I whispered to him and told him that the + bald-headed man I was sitting with was taking me away from my home in + Milwaukee, and I mistrusted he was going to make a thief or a pickpocket + of me. I said ‘s-h-h-h,’ and told him not to say anything or the man would + maul me. Then I went back to the seat and asked Pa to buy me a gold watch, + and he looked mad and cuffed me on the ear. The man that I whispered too + got talking with some other men, and when we got off the cars at Chicago a + policeman came up to Pa and took him by the neck and said, ‘Mr. Kidnapper, + I guess we will run you in.’ Pa was mad and tried to jerk away, and the + cop choked him, and another cop came along and helped, and the passengers + crowded around and wanted to lynch Pa, and Pa wanted to know what they + meant, and they asked him where he stole the kid, and he said I was his + kid, and asked me if I wasn’t, and I looked scarred, as though I was + afraid to say no, and I said ‘Y-e-s S-e-r, I guess so.’ Then the police + said the poor boy was scart, and they would take us both to the station, + and they made Pa walk spry, and when he held back they jerked him along. + He was offul mad and said he would make somebody smart for this, and I + hoped it wouldn’t be me. At the station they charged Pa with kidnapping a + boy from Milwaukee, and he said it was a lie, and I was his boy, and I + said of course I was, and the boss asked who told the cops Pa was a + kidnapper, and they said ‘damfino,’ and then the boss told Pa he could go, + but not to let it occur again, and Pa and me went away. I looked so sorry + for Pa that he never tumbled to me, that I was to blame. We walked around + town all day, and went to the stores, and at night Pa was offul tired, and + he put me to bed in the tavern and he went out to walk around and get + rested. I was not tired, and I walked all around the hotel. I thought Pa + had gone to a theatre, and that made me mad, and I thought I would play a + joke on him. Our room was 210 and the next was 212, and there was a old + maid with a scotch terrier occupied 212. I saw her twice and she called me + names, cause she thought I wanted to steal her dog. That made me mad at + her, and so I took my jack knife and drew the tacks out of the tin thing + that the numbers were painted on, and put the old maid’s number on our + door and our number on her door, and then I went to bed. I tried to keep + awake, so as to help Pa if he had any difficulty, but I guess I got + asleep, but woke up when the dog barked. If the dog had not woke me up, + the woman’s scream would, and if that hadn’t, Pa would. You see, Pa came + home from the theatre about ’leven, and he had been drinking. He says + everybody drinks when they go to Chicago, even the minister. Pa looked at + the numbers on the doors all along the hall till he found 210, and walked + right in and pulled off his coat and threw it on the lounge where the dog + was. The old maid was asleep, but the dog barked, and Pa said, ‘That + cussed boy has bought a dog.’ and he kicked the dog, and then the old maid + said, ‘what is the matter pet?’” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p105.jpg" alt="In the Wrong Room P105 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Pa laffed and said, ‘Nothin the mazzer with <i>me</i>, pet,’ and then you + ought to have heard the yelling. The old maid covered her head and kicked + and yelled, and the dog snarled and bit Pa on the pants, and Pa had his + vest off and his suspenders unbuttoned, and he got scared and took his + coat and vest and went out in the hall, and I opened our door and told Pa + he was in the wrong room, and he said he guessed he knowed it, and he came + in our room and I locked the door, and then the bell boy, and the porter, + and the clerk came up to see what ailed the old maid, and she said a + burglar got in the room, and they found Pa’s hat on the lounge, and they + took it and told her to be quiet and they would find the burglar. Pa was + so scared that he sweat like everything, and the bed was offul warm, and + he pretended to go to sleep, but he was wondering how he could get his hat + back. In the morning I told him it would be hard work to explain it to Ma + how he happened to get into the wrong room, and he said it wasn’t + necessary to say anything about it to Ma. Then he gave me five dollars to + go out and buy him a new hat, and he said I might keep the change if I + would not mention it when I got home, and I got him one for ten shillings, + and we took the eight o’clock train in the morning and came home, and I + spose the Chicago detectives are trying to fit Pa’s hat onto a burglar. Pa + seemed offully relieved when we got across the state line into Wisconsin. + But you’d a dide to see him come out of that old lady’s room with his coat + and vest on his arm, and his suspenders hanging down, looking scart. He + dassent lick me any more or I’ll tell Ma where Pa left his hat.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA IS DISCOURAGED. “I AIN’T NO JONER!”—THE STORY OP THE + ANCIENT PROPHET—THE SUNDAY SCHOOL FOLKS GO BACK ON THE BAD + BOY—CAGED CATS—A COMMITTEE MEETING—A REMARKABLE CAT- + ASTROPHE!—“THAT BOY BEATS HELL!”—BASTING THE BAD BOY—THE + HOT-WATER-IN-THE SPONGE TRICK. +</pre> + <p> + “Say, you leave here mighty quick,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, + as he came in, with his arm in a sling, and backed up againt the stove to + get warm. “Everything has gone wrong since you got to coming here, and I + think you are a regular Jonah. I find sand in my sugar, kerosene in the + butter, the codfish is all picked off, and there is something wrong every + time you come here. Now you leave.” + </p> + <p> + “I aint no Joner,” said the boy as he wiped his nose on his coat sleeve, + and reached into a barrel for a snow apple. “I never swallered no whale. + Say, do you believe that story about Joner being in the whale’s belly, all + night? I don’t. The minister was telling about it at Sunday school last + Sunday, and asked me what I thought Joner was doing while he was in there, + and I told him I interpreted the story this way, that the whale was fixed + up inside with upper and lower berths, like a sleeping car, and Joner had + a lower berth, and the porter made up the berth as soon as Joner came in + with his satchel, and Joner pulled off his boots and gave them to the + porter to black, and put his watch under the pillow and turned in. The + boys in Sunday school all laffed, and the minister said I was a bigger + fool than Pa was, and that was useless. If you go back on me, now, I won’t + have a friend, except my chum and a dog, and I swear, by my halidom, that + I never put no sand in your sugar, or kerosene in your butter. I admit the + picking off of the codfish, but you can charge it to Pa, the same as you + did the eggs that I pushed my chum over into last summer, though I thought + you did wrong in charging Christmas prices for dog days’ eggs. When my + chum’s Ma scraped his pants she said there was not an egg represented on + there that was less than two years old. The Sunday school folks have all + gone back on me, since I put kyan pepper on the stove, when they were + singing ‘Little Drops of Water,’ and they all had to go out doors and air + themselves, but I didn’t mean to let the pepper drop on the stove. I was + just holding it over the stove to warm it, when my chum hit the funny bone + of my elbow. Pa says I am a terror to cats. Every time Pa says anything, + it gives me a new idea. I tell you Pa has got a great brain, but sometimes + he don’t have it with him. When he said I was a terror to cats I thought + what fun there is in cats, and me and my chum went to stealing cats right + off, and before night we had eleven cats caged. We had one in a canary + bird cage, three in Pa’s old hat boxes, three in Ma’s band box, four in + valises, two in a trunk, and the rest in a closet up stairs.” + </p> + <p> + “That night Pa said he wanted me to stay home because the committee that + is going to get up a noyster supper in the church was going to meet at our + house, and they might want to send me on errands. I asked him if my chum + couldn’t stay too, ’cause he is the healthiest infant to run after errands + that ever was, and Pa said he could stay, but we must remember that there + musn’t be no monkey business going on. I told him there shouldn’t be no + monkey business, but I didn’t promise nothing about cats. Well, sir, you’d + a dide. The committee was in the library by the back stairs, and me and my + chum got the cat boxes all together, at the top of the stairs, and we took + them all out and put them in a clothes basket, and just as the minister + was speaking, and telling what a great good was done by these oyster + sociables, in bringing the young people together, and taking their minds + from the wickedness of the world, and turning their thoughts into + different channels, one of the old torn cats in the basket gave a + ’purmeow’ that sounded like the wail of a lost soul, or a challenge to + battle, I told my chum that we couldn’t hold the bread-board over the + clothes basket much longer, when two or three cats began to yowl, and the + minister stopped talking and Pa told Ma to open the stair door and tell + the hired girl to see what was the matter up there. She thought our cat + had got shut up in the storm door, and she opened the stair door to yell + to the girl, and then I pushed the clothes basket, cats and all down the + back stairs. Well, sir, I suppose no committee for a noyster supper, was + ever more astonished. I heard ma fall over a willow rocking chair, and + say, ‘scat,’ and I heard Pa say, ‘well, I’m dam’d,’ and a girl that sings + in the choir say, ‘Heavens, I am stabbed,’ then my chum and me ran to the + front of the house and come down the front stairs looking as innocent as + could be, and we went in the library, and I was just going to tell Pa if + there was any errands he wanted run my chum and me was just aching to run + them, when a yellow cat without any tail was walking over the minister, + and Pa was throwing a hassock at two cats that were clawing each other + under the piano, and Ma was trying to get her frizzes back on her head, + and the choir girl was standing on the lounge with her dress pulled up, + trying to scare cats with her striped stockings, and the minister was + holding his hands up, and I guess he was asking a blessing on the cats, + and my chum opened the front door and all the cats went out. Pa and Ma + looked at me and I said it wasn’t me, and the minister wanted to know how + so much cat hair got on my coat and vest, and I said a cat met me in the + hall and kicked me, and Ma cried, and Pa said that boy beats hell, and the + minister said I would be all right if I had been properly brought up, and + then Ma was mad, and the committee broke up. Well, to tell the honest + truth Pa basted me, and yanked me around until I had to have my arm in a + sling, but what’s the use of making such a fuss about a few cats. Ma said + she never wanted to have my company again, cause I spoiled everything. But + I got even with Pa for basting me, this morning, and I dassent go home. + You see Ma has got a great big bath sponge as big as a chair cushion, and + this morning I took the sponge and filled it with warm water, and took the + feather cushion out of the chair Pa sits in at the table, and put the + sponge in its place, and covered it over with the cushion cover, and when + we all got set down to the table Pa came in and sat down on it to ask a + blessing. He started in by closing his eyes and placing his hands up in + front of him like a letter V, and then he began to ask that the food we + were about to partake off be blessed, and then he was going on to ask that + ’all of us be made to see the error of our ways, when he began to hitch + around, and he opened one eye and looked at me, and I looked as pious as a + boy can look when he knows the pancakes are getting cold, and Pa he kind + of sighed and said ’Amen’ sort of snappish, and he got up and told Ma he + didn’t feel well, and she would have to take his place and pass around the + sassidge and potatoes, and he looked kind of scart and went out with his + hand on his pistol pocket, as though he would like to shoot, and Ma she + got up and went around and sat in Pa’s chair. The sponge didn’t hold more + than half a pail full of water, and I didn’t want to play no joke on Ma, + cause the cats nearly broke her up, but she sat down and was just going to + help me, when she rung the bell and called the hired girl, and said she + felt as though her neuralgia was coming on, and she would go to her room, + and told the girl to sit down and help Hennery. The girl sat down and + poured me out some coffee, and then she said. ‘Howly Saint Patrick, but I + blave those pancakes are burning,’ and she went out in the kitchen. I + drank my coffee, and then took the big sponge out of the chair and put the + cushion in the place of it, and then I put the sponge in the bath room, + and I went up to Pa and Ma’s room, and asked them if I should go after the + doctor, and Pa had changed his clothes and got on his Sunday pants, and he + said, ‘never mind the doctor, I guess we will pull through,’ and for me to + get out and go to the devil, and I came over here. Say, there is no harm + in a little warm water, is there? Well, I’d like to know what Pa and Ma + and the hired girl thought. I am the only real healthy one there is in our + family.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HE BECOMES A DRUGGIST—“I HAVE GONE INTO BUSINESS!”—A NEW + ROSE GERANIUM PERFUME—THE BAD BOY IN A DRUGGIST’S STORE— + PRACTICING ON HIS PA—AN EXPLOSION—THE SEIDLETZ POWDER—HIS + PA’S FREQUENT PAINS—POUNDING INDIA-RUBBER—CURING A WART. +</pre> + <p> + “Whew! What is that smells so about this store? It seems as though + everything had turned frowy,” said the grocery man to his clerk, in the + presence of the bad boy, who was standing with his back to the stove, his + coat tails parted with his hands, and a cigarette in his mouth. + </p> + <p> + “May be it is me that smells frowy,” said the boy as he put his thumbs in + the armholes of his vest, and spit at the keyhole in the door. “I have + gone into business.” + </p> + <p> + “By thunder, I believe it is you,” said the grocery man, as he went up to + the boy, snuffed a couple of times, and then held his hand to his nose. + “The board of health will kerosene you, if they ever smell that smell, and + send you to the glue factory. What business you gone into to make you + smell so rank?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you see Pa began to think it was time I learned a trade, or a + perfession, and he saw a sign in a drug store window, ‘Boy Wanted,’ and as + he had a boy he didn’t want, he went to the druggist and got a job for me. + This smell on me will go off in a few weeks. You know I wanted to try all + the perfumery in the store, and after I had got about forty different + extracts on my clothes, another boy that worked there he fixed up a bottle + of benzine and assafety and brimstone, and a whole lot of other horrid + stuff, and labeled it ‘rose geranium,’ and I guess I just wallered in it. + It <i>is</i> awful, aint it? It kerflummixed Ma when I went into the + dining-room the first night that I got home from the store, and broke Pa + all up, He said I reminded him of the time that they had a litter of + skunks under the barn. The air seemed fixed around where I am, and + everybody seems to know who fixed it. A girl came in the store yesterday + to buy a satchet, and there wasn’t anybody there but me, and I didn’t know + what it was, and I took down everything in the store pretty near, before I + found it, and then I wouldn’t have found it only the proprietor came in. + The girl asked the proprietor if there wasn’t a good deal of sewer-gas in + the store, and he told me to go out and shake myself. I think the girl was + mad at me because I got a nursing bottle out of the show case, with a + rubber muzzle, and asked her if that was what she wanted. Well, she told + me a satchet was something for the stummick, and I thought a nursing + bottle was the nearest thing to it.” + </p> + <p> + “I should think you would drive all the customers away from the store,” + said the grocery man, as he opened the door to let the fresh air in. + </p> + <p> + “I don’t know but I will, but I am hired for a month on trial, and I shall + stay. You see, I shan’t practice on anybody but Pa for a spell. I made up + my mind to that when I gave a woman some salts instead of powdered borax, + and she came back mad. Pa seems to want to encourage me, and is willing to + take anything that I ask him to, He had a sore throat and wanted something + for it, and the boss drugger told me to put some tannin and chlorate of + potash in a mortar, and grind it, and I let Pa pound it with the mortar, + and while he was pounding I dropped in a couple of drops of sulphuric + acid, and it exploded and blowed Pa’s hat clear across the store, and Pa + was whiter than a sheet. He said he guessed his throat was all right, and + he wouldn’t come near me again that day. The next day Pa came in and I was + laying for him. I took a white seidletz powder and a blue one, and + dissolved them in separate glasses, and when Pa came in I asked him if he + didn’t want some lemonade, and he said he did, and I gave him the sour one + and he drank it. He said it was too sour, and then I gave him the other + glass, that looked like water, to take the taste out of his mouth, and he + drank it. Well, sir, when those two powders got together in Pa’s stummick, + and began to siz and steam, and foam, Pa pretty near choked to death, and + the suds came out of his nostrils, and his eyes stuck out, and as soon as + he could get his breath he yelled ‘fire,’ and said he was poisoned, and + called for a doctor, but I thought as long as we had a doctor right in the + family there was no use of hiring one, so I got a stomach pump, and I + would have had him baled out in no time, only the proprietor came in and + told me to go and wash some bottles, and he gave Pa a drink of brandy, and + Pa said he felt better.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p115.jpg" alt="A New Way to Take Seidlitz Powders P115 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Pa has learned where we keep the liquor, and he comes in two or three + times a day with a pain in his stomach. They play awful mean tricks on a + boy in a drug store. The first day they put a chunk of something sort of + blue into a mortar, and told me to pulverize it, and then made it up into + two grain pills. Well, sir, I pounded that chunk all the forenoon, and it + never pulverized at all, and the boss told me to hurry up, as the woman + was waiting for the pills, and I mauled it till I was nearly dead, and + when it was time to go to supper the boss came and looked in the mortar, + and took out the chunk, and said, ’You dum fool, you have been pounding + all day on a chunk of India rubber, instead of blue mass!’ Well, how did I + know? But I will get even with them if I stay there long enough, and don’t + you forget it. If you have a prescription you want filled you can come + down to the store and I will put it up for you myself, and then you will + be sure you get what you pay for. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, said the grocery man, as he cut off a piece of limberg cheese and + put on the stove, to purify the air in the room, “I should laugh to see + myself taking any medicine you put up. You will kill some one yet, by + giving them poison instead of quinine. But what has your Pa got his nose + tied up for? He looks as though he had had a fight.” + </p> + <p> + “O, that was from my treatment. He had a wart on his nose. You know that + wart. You remember how the minister told him if other peoples business had + a button-hole in it, Pa could button the wart in the button-hole, as he + always had his nose there. Well, I told Pa I could cure that wart with + caustic, and he said he would give five dollars if I could cure it, so I + took a stick of caustic and burned the wart off, but I guess I burned down + into the nose a little, for it swelled up as big as a lobster. Pa says he + would rather have a whole nest of warts than such a nose, but it will be + all right in a year or two.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HE QUITS THE DRUG BUSINESS. HE HAS DISSOLVED WITH THE + DRUGGER—THE OLD LADY AND THE GIN—THE BAD BOY IGNOMINIOUSLY + FIRED—HOW HE DOSED HIS PA’s BRANDY—THE BAD BOY AS “HAWTY + AS A DOOK”—HE GETS EVEN WITH HIS GIRL—THE BAD BOY WANTS A + QUIET PLACE—THE OLD MAN THREATENS THE PARSON. +</pre> + <p> + “What are you loafing around here for,” says the grocery man to the bad + boy one day this week. “It is after nine o’clock, and I should think you + would want to be down to the drug store. How do you know but there may be + somebody dying for a dose of pills?” + </p> + <p> + “O, darn the drug store. I have got sick of that business, and I have + dissolved with the drugger. I have resigned. The policy of the store did + not meet with my approval, and I have stepped out and am waiting for them + to come and tender me a better position at an increased salary,” said the + boy, as he threw a cigar stub into a barrel of prunes and lit a fresh one. + </p> + <p> + “Resigned, eh?” said the grocery man as he fished out the cigar stub and + charged the boy’s father with two pounds of prunes, “didn’t you and the + boss agree?” + </p> + <p> + “Not exactly, I gave an old lady some gin when she asked for camphor and + water, and she made a show of herself. I thought I would fool her, but she + knew mighty well what it was, and she drank about half a pint of gin, and + got to tipping over bottles and kegs of paint, and when the drug man came + in with his wife, the old woman threw her arms around his neck and called + him her darling, and when he pushed her away, and told her she was drunk, + she picked up a bottle of citrate of magnesia and pointed it at him, and + the cork came out like a pistol, and he thought he was shot, and his wife + fainted away, and the police came and took the old gin refrigerator away, + and then the drug man told me to face the door, and when I wasn’t looking + he kicked me four times, and I landed in the street, and he said if I ever + came in sight of the store again he would kill me dead. That is the way I + resigned. I tell you, they will send for me again. They never can run that + store without me. + </p> + <p> + “I guess they will worry along without you,” said the grocery man. “How + does your Pa take your being fired out? I should think it would brake him + all up.” + </p> + <p> + “O, I think Pa rather likes it. At first he thought he had a soft snap + with me in the drug store, cause he has got to drinking again, like a + fish, and he has gone back on the church entirely; but after I had put a + few things in his brandy he concluded it was cheaper to buy it, and he is + now patronizing a barrel house down by the river. + </p> + <p> + “One day I put some Castile soap in a drink of brandy, and Pa leaned over + the back fence more than an hour, with his finger down his throat. The man + that collects the ashes from the alley asked Pa if he had lost anything, + and Pa said he was only ‘sugaring off.’ I don’t know what that is. When Pa + felt better he came in and wanted a little whiskey to take the taste out + of his mouth, and I gave him some, with about a teaspoonful of pulverized + alum in it. Well, sir, you’d a dide. Pa’s mouth and throat was so puckered + up that he couldn’t talk. I don’t think that drugman will make anything by + firing me out, because I shall turn all the trade that I control to + another store. Why, sir, sometimes there were eight and nine girls in the + store all at wonct, on account of my being there. They came to have me put + extracts on their handkerchiefs, and to eat gum drops—he will lose + all that trade now. My girl that went back on me for the telegraph + messenger boy, she came with the rest of the girls, but she found, that I + could be as ‘hawty as a dook.’ I got even with her, though. I pretended I + wasn’t mad, and when she wanted me to put some perfumery op her + handkerchief I said all right, and I put on a little geranium and white + rose, and then I got some tincture of assafety, and sprinkled it on her + dress and cloak when she went out. That is about the worst smelling stuff + that ever was, and I was glad when she went out and met the telgraph boy + on the corner. They went off together; but he came back pretty soon, about + the homesickest boy you ever saw, and he told my chum he would never go + with that girl again because she smelled like spoiled oysters or sewer + gas. Her folks noticed it, and made her go and wash her feet and soak + herself, and her brother told my chum it didn’t do any good, she smelled + just like a glue factory, and my chum—the darn fool—told her + brother that it was me who perfumed her, and he hit me in the eye with a + frozen fish, down by the fish store, and that’s what made my eye black; + but I know how to cure a black eye. I have not been in a drug store eight + days, and not know how to cure a black eye; and I guess I learned that + girl not to go back on a boy ’cause he smelled like a goat. + </p> + <p> + “Well, what was it about your leaving the wrong medicine at houses? The + policeman in this ward told me you come pretty near killing several people + by leaving the wrong medicine.” + </p> + <p> + “The way of it was this. There was about a dozen different kinds of + medicine to leave at different places, and I was in a hurry to go to the + roller skating rink, so I got my chum to help me, and we just took the + numbers of the houses, and when we rung the bell we would hand out the + first package we come to, and I understand there was a good deal of + complaint. One old maid who ordered powder for her face, her ticket drew + some worm lozengers, and she kicked awfully, and a widow who was going to + be married, she ordered a celluloid comb and brush, and she got a nursing + bottle with a rubber nozzle, and a toothing ring, and she made quite a + fuss; but the woman who was weaning her baby and wanted the nursing + bottle, she got the comb and brush and some blue pills, and she never made + any fuss at all. It makes a good deal of difference, I notice, whether a + person gets a better thing than they ordered or not. But the drug business + is too lively for me. I have got to have a quiet place, and I guess I will + be a cash boy in a store. Pa says he thinks I was cut out for a bunko + steerer, and I may look for that kind of a job. Pa he is a terror since he + got to drinking again. He came home the other day, when the minister was + calling on Ma, and just cause the minister was sitting on the sofa with + Ma, and had his hand on her shoulder, where she said the pain was when the + rheumatiz came on, Pa was mad and told the minister he would kick his + liver clear around on the other side if he caught him there again, and Ma + felt awful about it. After the minister had gone away, Ma told Pa he had + got no feeling at all, and Pa said he had got enough feeling for one + family, and he didn’t want no sky-sharp to help him. He said he could cure + all the rheumatiz there was around his house, and then he went down town + and didn’t get home till most breakfast time. Ma says she thinks I am + responsible for Pa’s falling into bad ways again, and now I am going to + cure him. You watch me, and see if I don’t have Pa in the church in less + than a week, praying and singing, and going home with the choir singers, + just as pious as ever. I am going to get a boy that writes a woman’s hand + to write to Pa, and—but I must not give it away. But you just watch + Pa, that’s all. Well, I must go and saw some wood. It is coming down a + good deal, from a drug clerk to sawing wood, but I will get on top yet, + and don’t you forget it.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA KILLS HIM—A GENIUS AT WHISTLING—A FUR-LINED CLOAK A + SURE CURE FOR CONSUMPTION—ANOTHER LETTER SENT TO THE OLD + MAN—HE RESOLVES ON IMMEDIATE PUNISHMENT—THE BLADDER-BUFFER + THE EXPLOSION—A TRAGIC SCENE—HIS PA VOWS TO REFORM. +</pre> + <p> + “For heaven’s sake dry up that whistling,” said the grocery man to the bad + boy, as he sat on a bag of peanuts, whistling and filling his pockets. + “There is no sense in such whistling. What do you whistle for, anyway?” + </p> + <p> + “I am practicing my profession,” said the boy, as he got up and stretched + himself, and cut off a slice of cheese, and took a few crackers. “I have + always been a good whistler, and I have decided to turn my talent to + account. I am going to hire an office and put out a sign, ‘Boy furnished + to whistle for lost dogs.’ You see there are dogs lost every day, and any + man would give half a dollar to a boy to find his dog. I can hire out to + whistle for dogs, and can go around whistling and enjoying myself, and + make money, Don’t you think it is a good scheme?” asked the boy of the + grocery man. + </p> + <p> + “Naw,” said the grocery man, as he charged the cheese to the boy’s father, + and picked up his cigar stub, which he had left on the counter, and which + the boy had rubbed on the kerosene barrel, “No, sir, that whistle would + scare any dog that heard it. Say, what was your Pa running after the + doctor in his shirt sleeves for last Sunday morning? He looked scared. Was + your Ma sick again?” + </p> + <p> + “O, no, Ma is healthy enough, now she has got a new fur lined cloak. She + played consumption on Pa, and coughed so she liked to raise her lights and + liver, and made Pa believe she couldn’t live, and got the doctor to + prescribe a fur lined circular, and Pa went and got one, and Ma has + improved awfully. Her cough is all gone, and she can walk ten miles. I was + the one that was sick. You see, I wanted to get Pa into the church again, + and get him to stop drinking, so I got a boy to write a letter to him, in + a female hand, and sign the name of a choir singer Pa was mashed on, and + tell him she was yearning for him to come back to the church, and that the + church seemed a blank without his smiling face, and benevolent heart, and + to please come back for her sake. Pa got the letters Saturday night and he + seemed tickled, but I guess he dreamed about it all night, and Sunday + morning he was mad, and he took me by the ear and said I couldn’t come no + ’Daisy’ business on him the second time. He said he knew I wrote the + letter, and for me to go up to the store room and prepare for the + almightiest licking a boy ever had, and he went down stairs and broke up + an apple barrel and got a stave to whip me with. Well, I had to think + mighty quick, but I was enough for him. I got a dried bladder in my room, + one that me and my chum got to the slotter house, and blowed it partly up, + so it would be sort of flat-like, and I put it down inside the back part + of my pants, right about where Pa hits when he punishes me. I knowed when + the barrel stave hit the bladder it would explode. Well, Pa he came up and + found me crying. I can cry just as easy as you can turn on the water at a + faucet, and Pa took off his coat and looked sorry. I was afraid he would + give up whipping me when he see me cry, and I wanted the bladder + experiment to go on, so I looked kind of hard, as if I was defying him to + do his worst, and then he took me by the neck and laid me across a trunk. + I didn’t dare struggle much for fear the bladder would loose itself, and + Pa said, ‘Now Hennery, I am going to break you of this damfoolishness, or + I will break your back,’ and he spit on his hands and brought the barrel + stave down on my best pants. Well, you’d a dide if you had heard the + explosion. It almost knocked me off the trunk. It sounded like firing a + firecracker away down cellar in a barrel, and Pa looked scared. I rolled + off the trunk, on the floor, and put some flour on my face, to make me + look pale, and then I kind of kicked my legs like a fellow who is dying on + the stage, after being stabbed with a piece of lath, and groaned, and + said, ‘Pa you have killed me, but I forgive you,’ and then rolled around, + and frothed at the mouth, cause I had a piece of soap in my mouth to make + foam. Well, Pa, was all broke up. He said, ‘Great God, what have I done? I + have broke his spinal column. O, my poor boy, do not die?’ I kept chewing + the soap and foaming at the mouth, and I drew my legs up and kicked them + out, and clutched my hair, and rolled my eyes, and then kicked Pa in the + stummick as he bent over me, and knocked his breath out of him, and then + my limbs began to get rigid, and I said, ‘Too late, Pa, I die at the hand + of an assassin. Go for a doctor.’” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p127.jpg" + alt="Too Late, Pa, I Die at the Hand of an Assassin P127 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Pa throwed his coat over me, and started down stairs on a run, ‘I have + murdered my brave boy,’ and he told Ma to go up stairs and stay with me, + cause I had fallen off a trunk and ruptured a blood vessel, and he went + after a doctor. When he went out the front door, I sat up and lit a + cigarette, and Ma came up and I told her all about how I fooled Pa, and if + she would take on and cry, when Pa got back, I would get him to go to + church again, and swear off drinking and she said she would. + </p> + <p> + “So when Pa and the doc. came back, Ma was sitting on a velocipede I used + to ride, which was in the store-room, and she had her apron over her face, + and she just more than bellowed. Pa he was pale, and he told the doc. he + was just a playing with me with a little piece of board, and he heard + something crack, and he guessed my spine got broke falling off the trunk. + The doctor wanted to feel where my spine was broke, but I opened my eyes + and had a vacant kind of stare, like a woman who leads a dog by a string, + and looked as though my mind was wandering, and I told the doctor there + was no use setting my spine, as it was broke in several places, and I + wouldn’t let him feel of the dried bladder. I told Pa I was going to die, + and I wanted him to promise me two things on my dying bed. He cried and + said he would, and I told him to promise me he would quit drinking, and + attend church regular, and he said he would never drink another drop, and + would go to church every Sunday. I made him get down on his knees beside + me and swear it, and the doc. witnessed it, and Ma said she was so glad, + and Ma called the doctor out in in the hall and told him the joke, and the + doc. came in and told Pa he was afraid Pa’s presence would excite the + patient, and for him to put on his coat and go out and walk around the + block, or go to church, and Ma and he would remove me to another room, and + do all that was possible to make my last hours pleasant. Pa he cried, and + said he would put on his plug hat and go to church, and he kissed me, and + got flour on his nose, and I came near laughing right out, to see the + white flour on his red nose, when I thought how the people in church would + laugh at Pa. But he went out feeling mighty bad, and then I got up and + pulled the bladder out of my pants, and Ma and the doc. laughed awful. + When Pa got back from church and asked for me, Ma said that I had gone + down town. She said the doctor found my spine was only uncoupled and he + coupled it together, and I was all right. Pa said it was ‘almighty + strange, cause I heard the spine break, when I struck him with the barrel + stave.’ Pa was nervous all the afternoon, and Ma thinks he suspects that + we played it on him. Say, you don’t think there is any harm in playing it + on an old man a little for a good cause, do you?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said he supposed, in the interest of reform it was all + right, but if it was his boy that played such tricks he would take an ax + to him, and the boy went out, apparently encouraged, saying he hadn’t seen + the old man since the day before, and he was almost afraid to meet him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA MORTIFIED—SEARCHING FOR SEWER GAS—THE POWERFUL ODOR + OF LIMBERGER CHEESE AT CHURCH—THE AFTER MEETING—FUMIGATING + THE HOUSE—THE BAD BOY RESOLVES TO BOARD AT AN HOTEL. +</pre> + <p> + “What was the health officer doing over to your house this morning?” said + the grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth was firing frozen potatoes at + the man who collects garbage in the alley. + </p> + <p> + “O, they are searching for sewer gas and such things, and they have got + plumbers and other society experts till you can’t rest, and I came away + for fear they would find the sewer gas and warm my jacket. Say, do you + think it is right, when anything smells awfully, to always lay it to a + boy?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, in nine cases out of ten they would hit it right, but what do you + think is the trouble over to your house, honest?” + </p> + <p> + “S-h-h! Now don’t breathe a word of it to a living soul, or I am a dead + boy. You see I was over to the dairy fair at the exposition building + Saturday night, and when they were breaking up, me and my chum helped to + carry boxes of cheese and firkins of butter, and a cheese-man gave each of + us a piece of limberger cheese, wrapped up in tin foil. Sunday morning I + opened my piece, and it made me tired. O, it was the offulest smell I ever + heard of, except the smell when they found a tramp who hung himself in the + woods on the Whitefish Bay road, and had been dead three weeks. It was + just like a old back number funeral. Pa and Ma were just getting ready to + go to church, and I cut off a piece of cheese and put it in the inside + pocket of Pa’s vest, and I put another in the lining of Ma’s muff, and + they went to church. I went down to church, too, and sat on a back seat + with my chum, looking just as pious as though I was taking up a + collection. The church was pretty warm, and by the time they got up to + sing the first hymn Pa’s cheese began to smell a match against Ma’s + cheese.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0016" id="linkimage-0016"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p131.jpg" alt="Just As I Am P131 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Pa held one side of the hymn book and Ma held the other, and Pa he always + sings for all that is out, and when he braced himself and sang “Just as I + am,” Ma thought Pa’s voice was tinctured a little with biliousness and she + looked at him, and hunched him and told him to stop singing and breathe + through his nose, cause his breath was enough to stop a clock. Pa stopped + singing and turned around kind of cross towards Ma, and then he smelled + Ma’s cheese, and He turned his head the other way and said, ‘whew,’ and + they didn’t sing any more, but they looked at each other as though they + smelled frowy. When they sat down they sat as far apart as they could get, + and Pa sat next to a woman who used to be a nurse in a hospital, and when + she smelled Pa’s cheese she looked at him as though she thought he had the + small pox, and she held her handkerchief to her nose. The man in the other + end of the pew, that Ma sat near, he was a stranger from Racine, who + belongs to our church, and he looked at Ma sort of queer, and after the + minister prayed, and they got up to sing again, the man took his hat and + went out, and when he came by me he said something in a whisper about a + female glue factory. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, before the sermon was over everybody in that part of the + church had their handkerchiefs to their noses, and they looked at Pa and + Ma scandalous, and the two ushers they come around in the pews looking for + a dog, and when the minister got over his sermon, and wiped the + perspiration off his face, he said he would like to have the trustees of + the church stay after meeting, as there was some business of importance to + transact. He said the question of proper ventilation and sewerage for the + church would be brought up, and that he presumed the congregation had + noticed this morning that the church was unusually full of sewer gas. He + said he had spoken of the matter before, and expected it would be attended + to before this. He said he was a meek and humble follower of the lamb, and + was willing to cast his lot wherever the Master decided, but he would be + blessed if he would preach any longer in a church that smelled like a bone + boiling establishment. He said religion was a good thing, but no person + could enjoy religion as well in a fat rending establishment as he could in + a flower garden, and as far as he was concerned he had got enough. + Everybody looked at everybody else, and Pa looked at Ma as though he knew + where the sewer gas came from, and Ma looked at Pa real mad, and me and my + chum lit out, and I went home and distributed my cheese all around. I put + a slice in Ma’s bureau drawer, down under her underclothes, and a piece in + the spare room, under the bed, and a piece in the bath-room, in the soap + dish, and a slice in the album on the parlor table, and a piece in the + library in a book, and I went to the dining room and put some under the + table, and dropped a piece under the range in the kitchen. I tell you the + house was loaded for bear. Ma came home from church first, and when I + asked where Pa was, she said she hoped he had gone to walk around a block + to air hisself. Pa came home to dinner, and when he got a smell of the + house he opened all the doors, and Ma put a comfortable around her + shoulders and told Pa he was a disgrace to civilization. She tried to get + Pa to drink some carbolic acid. Pa finally convinced Ma it was not him, + and then they decided it was the house that smelled so, as well as the + church, and all Sunday afternoon they went visiting, and this morning Pa + went down to the health office and got the inspector of nuisances to come + up to the house, and when he smelled around a spell he said there was dead + rats in the main sewer pipe, and they sent for plumbers, and Ma went out + to a neighbors to borry some fresh air, and when the plumbers began to dig + up the floor in the basement I came over here. If they find any of that + limberg cheese it will go hard with me. The hired girls have both quit, + and Ma says she is going to break up keeping house and board. That is just + into my hand, I want to board at a hotel, where you can have a + bill-of-fare and tooth picks, and billiards, and everything. Well I guess + I will go over to the house and stand in the back door and listen to the + mocking bird. If you see me come flying out of the alley with my coat tail + full of boots you can bet they have discovered the sewer gas.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA BROKE UP—THE BAD BOY DON’T THINK THE GROCER FIT FOH + HEAVEN—HE IS VERY SEVERE ON HIS OLD FRIEND—THE NEED OF A + NEW REVISED EDITION—THE BAD BOY TURNS REVISER—HIS PA + REACHES FOR THE POKER—A SPECIAL PROVIDENCE—THE SLED + SLEWED!—HIS PA UNDER THE MULES. +</pre> + <p> + “Well, I guess I will go to hell. I will see you later,” said the bad boy + to the grocery man, as he held a cracker under the faucet of the syrup + keg, and then sat down on a soap box by the stove and proceeded to make a + lunch, while the grocery man charged the boy’s father with a gallon of + syrup and a pound of crackers. + </p> + <p> + “What do you mean, you profane wretch, talking about meeting me later in + Hades,” said the indignant grocery man. “I expect to pass by the hot place + where you are sizzling, and go to the realms of bliss, where there is one + continued round of hap-hiness, and angels playing on golden harps, and + singing hymns of praise.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, Pa says I will surely go to hell, and I thought you would probably + be there, as it costs something to get to heaven, and you can get to the + other place for nothing. Say, you would be a healthy delegate to go to + heaven, with a lot of girl angels, wouldn’t you, smelling of frowy butter, + as you always do, and kerosene, and herring, and bar soap, and cheese, and + rotten potatoes. Say, an angel wouldn’t stay on the same golden street + with you, without holding her handkerchief to her nose, and you couldn’t + get in there, anyway, cause you would want to pay your entrance fee out of + the store. + </p> + <p> + “Say, you get out of here, condemn you. You are getting sassy. There is no + one that is more free hearted than I am,” said the grocery man. + </p> + <p> + “O, give us a <i>siesta</i>. I am onto you bigger than an elevator. When + they had the oyster sociable at the church, you gave four pounds of musty + crackers with worms in, and they tasted of kerosene, and when the minister + prayed for those who had generously contributed to the sociable, you + raised up your head as though you wanted them all to know he meant you. If + a man can get to heaven on four pounds of musty crackers, done up in a + paper that has been around mackerel, then what’s the use of a man being + good, and giving sixteen ounces to the pound? But, there, don’t blush, and + cry. I will use my influence to get your feet onto the golden streets of + the New Jerusalem, but you have got to quit sending those small potatoes + to our house, with a few big ones on top of the basket. I’ll tell you how + it was that Pa told me I would go to hell. You see Pa has been reading out + of an old back number bible, and Ma and me argued with him about getting a + new revised edition. We told him that the old one was all out of style, + and that all the neighbors had the newest cut in bibles, with dolman + sleeves, and gathered in the back, and they put on style over us, and we + could not hold up our heads in society when it was known that we were + wearing the old last year’s bible. Pa kicked against it, but finally got + one. I thought I had as much right to change things in the revised bible, + as the other fellows had to change the old one, so I pasted some mottoes + and patent medicine advertisements in it, after the verses. Pa never reads + a whole chapter, but reads a verse or two and skips around. Before + breakfast, the other morning, Pa got the new bible and started to read the + ten commandments, and some other things. The first thing Pa struck was, + ‘Verily I say unto you, try St. Jacobs oil for rheumatism.’ Pa looked over + his specks at Ma, and then looked at me, but I had my face covered with my + hands, sort of pious. Pa said he didn’t think it was just the thing to put + advertisements in the bible, but Ma said she didn’t know as it was any + worse than to have a patent medicine notice next to Beecher’s sermon in + the religious paper. Pa sighed and turned over a few leaves, and read, + ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his ox, if you love me as I + love you no knife can cut our love in two.’ That last part was a motto + that I got out of a paper of candy. Pa said that the sentiment was good, + but he didn’t think the revisers had improved the old commandment very + much. Then Pa turned over and read, ‘Take a little wine for the stomach’s + sake, and keep a bottle of Reed’s Gilt Edged tonic on your side-board, and + you can defy malaria, and chills and fever.’ Pa was hot. He looked at it + again, and noticed that the tonic commandment was on yellow paper, and the + corner curled up, and Pa took hold of it, and the paste that I stuck it on + with was not good, and it come off, and when I saw Pa lay down the bible, + and put his spectacles in the case, and reach for the fire poker, I knew + he was not going to pray, and I looked out the window and yelled dog + fight, and I lit out, and Pa followed me as far as the sidewalk, and it + was that morning when it was so slippery, and Pa’s feet slipped out from + under him, and he stood on his neck, and slid around on his ear, and the + special providence of sleet on the sidewalk saved me. Say, do you believe + in special providence? What was the use of that sleet on the sidewalk, if + it was not to save sinners?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0017" id="linkimage-0017"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p138.jpg" alt="Special Providences for a Bad Boy P138 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “O, I don’t know anything about special providences,” said the grocery + man, “but I know you have got two of your pockets filled with them + boneless raisins since you have been talking, and my opinion is you will + steal. But, say, what is your Pa on crutches for? I see him hobbling down + town this morning. Has he sprained his ankle?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I guess his ankle got sprained with all the rest. You see, my chum + and me went bobbing, and Pa said he supposed he used to be the greatest + bobber, when he was a boy, that ever was. He said he used to slide down a + hill that was steeper than a church steeple. We asked him to go with us, + and we went to that street that goes down by the depot, and we had two + sleds hitched together, and there were mor’n a hundred boys, and Pa wanted + to steer, and he got on the front sled, and when we got about half way + down the sled slewed, and my chum and me got off all right, but Pa got + shut up between the two sleds, and the other boys behind fell over Pa and + one sled runner caught him in the trowsers leg, and dragged him over the + slippery ice clear to the bottom, and the whole lay out run into the + street car, and the mules got wild and kicked, and Pa’s suspenders broke, + and when my chum and me got down there Pa was under the car, and a boy’s + boots was in Pa’s shirt bosom, and another boy was straddle of Pa’s neck, + and the crowd rushed up from the depot, and got Pa out, and began to yell + ‘fire,’ and ‘police,’ and he kicked at a boy that was trying to get his + sled out of the small of Pa’s back, and a policeman came along and pushed + Pa and said, ‘Go away from here, ye owld divil, and let the b’ys enjoy + themselves,’ and he was going to arrest Pa, when me and my chum told him + we would take Pa home. Pa said the hill was not steep enough for him, or + he wouldn’t have fell off. He is offul stiff to-day: but he says he will + go skating with us next week, and show us how to skate. Pa means well, but + he don’t realize that he is getting stiff and can’t be as kitteny as he + used to be. He is very kind to me, If I had some fathers I would have been + a broken backed, disfigured angel long ago. Don’t you think so?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said he was sure of it, and the boy got out with his + boneless raisins, and pocket full of lump sugar. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GOES SKATING—THE BAD BOY CARVES A TURKEY—HIS PA’S + FAME AS A SKATER—THE OLD MAN ESSAYS TO SKATE ON ROLLERS— + HIS WILD CAPERS—HE SPREADS HIMSELF—HOLIDAYS A CONDEMNED + NUISANCE—THE BAY BOY’S CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. +</pre> + <p> + “What is that stuff on your shirt bosom, that looks like soap grease?” + said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came into the grocery the + morning after Christmas. + </p> + <p> + The boy looked at his shirt front, put his fingers on the stuff and + smelled of his fingers, and then said, “O, that is nothing but a little of + the turkey dressing and gravy. You see after Pa and I got back from the + roller skating rink yesterday, Pa was all broke up and he couldn’t carve + the turkey, and I had to do it, and Pa sat in a stuffed chair with his + head tied up, and a pillow amongst his legs, and he kept complaining that + I didn’t do it right. Gol darn a turkey any way. I should think they would + make a turkey flat on the back, so he would lay on a greasy platter + without skating all around the table. It looks easy to see Pa carve a + turkey, but when I speared into the bosom of that turkey, and began to saw + on it, the turkey rolled-around as though it was on castors, and it was + all I could do to keep it out of Ma’s lap. But I rasseled with it till I + got off enough white meat for Pa and Ma and dark meat enough for me, and I + dug out the dressing, but most of it flew into my shirt bosom, cause the + string that tied up the place where the dressing was concealed about the + person of the turkey, broke prematurely, and one oyster hit Pa in the eye, + and he said I was as awkward as a cross-eyed girl trying to kiss a man + with a hair lip. If I ever get to be the head of a family I shall carve + turkeys with a corn sheller.” + </p> + <p> + “But what broke your Pa up at the roller skating rink,” asked the grocery + man. + </p> + <p> + “O, everything broke him up. He is, split up so Ma buttons the top of his + pants to his collar button, like a by cycle rider. Well, he no business to + have told me and my chum that he used to be the best skater in North + America, when he was a boy. He said he skated once from Albany to New York + in an hour and eighty minutes. Me and my chum thought if Pa was such a + terror on skates we would get him to put on a pair of roller skates and + enter him as the “great unknown,” and clean out the whole gang. We told Pa + that he must remember that roller skates were different from ice skates, + and that maybe he couldn’t skate on them, but he said it didn’t make any + difference what they were as long as they were skates, and he would just + paralyze the whole crowd. So we got a pair of big roller skates for him, + and while we were strapping them on, Pa he looked at the skaters glide + around on the smooth wax floor just as though they were greased. Pa looked + at the skates on his feet, after they were fastened, sort of forlorn like, + the way a horse thief does when they put shackles on his legs, and I told + him if he was afraid he couldn’t skate with them we would take them off, + but he said he would beat anybody there was there, or bust a suspender. + Then we straightened Pa up, and pointed him towards the middle of the + room, and he said, “leggo,” and we just give him a little push to start + him, and he began to go. + </p> + <p> + “Well, by gosh, you’d a dide to have seen Pa try to stop. You see, you + can’t stick in your heel and stop, like you can on ice skates, and Pa soon + found that out, and he began to turn sideways, and then he threw his arms + and walked on his heels, and he lost his hat, and his eyes began to stick + out, cause he was going right towards an iron post. One arm caught the + post and he circled around it a few times, and then he let go and began to + fall, and, sir, he kept falling all across the room, and everybody got out + of the way, except a girl, and Pa grabbed her by the polonaise, like a + drowning man grabs at straws, though there wasn’t any straws in her + polonaise as I know of, but Pa just pulled her along as though she was + done up in a shawl-strap, and his feet went out from under him and he + struck on his shoulders and kept a going, with the girl dragging along + like a bundle of clothes.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0018" id="linkimage-0018"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p143.jpg" alt="Pa Grabbed Her by the Polonaise P143 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “If Pa had had another pair of roller skates on his shoulders, and castors + on his ears, he couldn’t have slid along any better. Pa is a short, big + man, and as he was rolling along on his back, he looked like a sofa with + castors on being pushed across a room by a girl. Finally Pa came to the + wall and had to stop, and the girl fell right across him, with her roller + skates in his neck, and she called him an old brute, and told him if he + didn’t let go of her polonaise she would murder him. Just then my chum and + me got there and we amputated Pa from the girl, and lifted him up, and + told him for heaven’s sake to let us take off the skates, cause he + couldn’t skate any more than a cow, and Pa was mad and said for us to let + him alone, and he could skate all right, and we let go and he struck out + again. Well, sir, I was ashamed. An old man like Pa ought to know better + than to try to be a boy. This last time Pa said he was going to spread + himself, and if I am any judge of a big spread, he did spread himself. + Somehow the skates had got turned around side-ways on his feet, and his + feet got to going in different directions, and Pa’s feet were getting so + far apart that I was afraid I would have two Pa’s, half the size, with one + leg apiece. + </p> + <p> + “I tried to get him to take up a collection of his legs, and get them both + in the same ward but his arms flew around and one hit me on the nose, and + I thought if he wanted to strike the best friend he had, he could run his + old legs hisself. When he began to seperate I could hear the bones crack, + but maybe it was his pants, but anyway he came down on the floor like one + of these fellows in a circus who spreads hissel, and he kept going and + finally he surrounded an iron post with his legs, and stopped, and looked + pale, and the proprietor of the rink told Pa if he wanted to give a flying + trapeze performance he would have to go to the gymnasium, and he couldn’t + skate on his shoulders any more, cause other skaters were afraid of him. + Then Pa said he would kick the liver out of the proprietor of the rink, + and he got up and steaded himself, and then he tried to kick the man, but + both heels went up to wonct, and Pa turned a back summersault and struck + right on his vest in front. I guess it knocked the breath out of him, for + he didn’t speak for a few minutes, and then he wanted to go home, and we + put him in a street car, and he laid down on the hay and rode home. O, the + work we had to get Pa’s clothes off. He had cricks in his back, and + everywhere, and Ma was away to one of the neighbors, to look at the + presents, and I had to put liniment on Pa, and I made a mistake and got a + bottle of furniture polish, and put it on Pa and rubbed it in, and when Ma + came home, Pa smelled like a coffin at a charity funeral, and Ma said + there was no way of getting that varnish off of Pa till it wore off. Pa + says holidays are a condemned nuisance anyway. He will have to stay in the + house all this week. + </p> + <p> + “You are pretty rough on the old man,” said the grocery man, “after he has + been so kind to you and given you nice presents.” + </p> + <p> + “Nice presents nothin. All I got was a ’come to Jesus’ Christmas card, + with brindle fringe, from Ma, and Pa gave me a pair of his old suspenders, + and a calender with mottoes for every month, some quotations from + scripture, such as ‘honor thy father and mother,’ and ‘evil communications + corrupt two in the bush,’ and ‘a bird in the hand beats two pair.’ Such + things don’t help a boy to be good. What a boy wants is club skates, and + seven shot revolvers, and such things. Well, I must go and help Pa roll + over in bed, and put on a new porous plaster. Good bye.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GOES CALLING—HIS PA STARTS FORTH—A PICTURE OF THE + OLD MAN “FULL “—POLITENESS AT A WINTER PICNIC—ASSAULTED BY + SANDBAGGERS—RESOLVED TO DRINK NO MORE COFFEE—A GIRL FULL + OF “AIG NOGG.” + </pre> + <p> + “Say, you are getting too alfired smart,” said the grocery man to the bad + boy as he pushed him into a corner by the molasses barrel, and took him by + the neck and choked him so his eyes stuck out. “You have driven away + several of my best customers, and now, confound you, I am going to have + your life,” and he took up a cheese knife and began to sharpen it on his + boot. + </p> + <p> + “What’s the—gurgle—matter,” asked the choking boy, as the + grocery man’s fingers let up on his throat a little, so he could speak. “I + haint done nothin.” + </p> + <p> + “Didn’t you hang up that dead gray torn cat by the heels, in front of my + store, with the rabbits I had for sale? I didn’t notice it until the + minister called me out in front of the store, and pointing to the rabbits, + asked what good fat cats were selling for. By crimus, this thing has got + to stop. You have got to move out of this ward or I will.” + </p> + <p> + The boy got his breath and said it wasn’t him that put the cat up there. + He said it was the policeman, and he and his chum saw him do it, and he + just come in to tell the grocery man about it, and before he could speak + he had his neck nearly pulled off. The boy began to cry, and the grocery + man said he was only joking, and gave him a box of sardines, and they made + up. Then he asked the boy how his Pa put in his New Years, and the boy + sighed and said: + </p> + <p> + “We had a sad time at our house New Years. Pa insisted on making calls, + and Ma and me tried to prevent it, but he said he was of age, and guessed + he could make calls if he wanted to, so he looked at the morning paper and + got the names of all the places where they were going to receive, and he + turned his paper collar, and changed ends with his cuffs, and put some + arnica on his handkerchief, and started out. Ma told him not to drink + anything, and he said he wouldn’t, but he did. He was full the third place + he went to. O, so full. Some men can get full and not show it, but when Pa + gets full, he gets so full his back teeth float, and the liquor crowds his + eyes out, and his mouth gets loose and wiggles all over his face, and he + laughs all the time, and the perspiration just oozes out of him, and his + face gets red, and he walks <i>so</i> wide. O, he disgraced us all. At one + place he wished the hired girl a happy new year more than twenty times, + and hung his hat on her elbow, and tried to put on a rubber hall mat for + his over shoes. At another place he walked up a lady’s train, and carried + away a card basket full of bananas and oranges. Ma wanted my chum and me + to follow Pa and bring him home, and about dark we found him in the door + yard of a house where they have statues in front of the house, and he + grabbed me by the arm, and mistook me for another caller, and insisted on + introducing me to a marble statue without any clothes on. He said it was a + friend of his, and it was a winter picnic.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0019" id="linkimage-0019"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p149.jpg" alt="Happy New Year Mum P149 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “He hung his hat on an evergreen, and put his overcoat on the iron fence, + and I was so mortified I almost cried. My chum said if his Pa made such a + circus of himself he would sand bag him. That gave me an idea, and when we + got Pa most home I went and got a paper box covered with red paper, so it + looked just like a brick, and a bottle of tomato ketchup, and when we got + Pa up on the steps at home I hit him with the paper brick, and my chum + squirted the ketchup on his head, and we demanded his money, and then he + yelled murder, and we lit out, and Ma and the minister, who was making a + call on her, all the afternoon; they came to the door and pulled Pa in. He + said he had been attacked by a band of robbers, and they knocked his + brains out, but he whipped them, and then Ma saw the ketchup brains oozing + out of his head, and she screamed, and the minister said, ‘Good heavens he + is murdered,’ and just then I came in the back door and they sent me after + the doctor, and they put him on the lounge, and tied up his head with a + towel to keep the brains in, and Pa began to snore, and when the doctor + came in it took them half an hour to wake him, and then he was awful sick + to his stummick, and then Ma asked the doctor if he would live, and the + doc. analyzed the ketchup and smelled of it and told Ma he would be all + right if he had a little Worcester sauce to put on with the ketchup, and + when he said Pa would pull through, Ma looked awful sad. Then Pa opened + his eyes and saw the minister and said that was one of the robbers that + jumped on him, and he wanted to whip the minister, but the doc. held Pa’s + arms and Ma sat on his legs, and the minister said he had got some other + calls to make, and he wished Ma a happy new year in the hall, much as + fifteen minutes. His happy new year to Ma is most as long as his prayers. + Well, we got Pa to bed, and when we undressed him we found nine napkins in + the bosom of his vest, that he had picked up at the places where he + called. He is all right this morning, but he says it is the last time he + will drink coffee when he makes New Year’s calls.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, then you didn’t have much fun yourself on New Years. That’s too + bad,” said the grocery man, as he looked at the sad eyed youth. “But you + look hard. If you were old enough I should say you had been drunk, your + eyes are so red.” + </p> + <p> + “Didn’t have any fun eh? Well, I wish I had as many collars as I had fun. + You see, after Pa got to sleep Ma wanted me and my chum to go to the + houses that Pa had called at and return the napkins he had Kleptomaniaced, + so we dressed up and went. The first house we called at the girls were + sort of demoralized. I don’t know as I ever saw a girl drunk, but those + girls acted queer. The callers had stopped coming, and the girls were + drinking something out of shaving cups that looked like lather, and they + said it was ‘aignogg.’ They laffed and kicked up their heels wuss nor a + circus, and their collars got unpinned, and their faces was red, and they + put their arms around me and my chum and hugged us and asked us if we + didn’t want some of the custard. You’d a dide to see me and my chum drink + that lather. It looked just like soap suds with nutmaig in it, but by gosh + it got in its work sudden. At first I was afraid when the girls hugged me, + but after I had drank a couple of shaving cups full of the ’aignogg’ I + wasn’t afraid no more, and I hugged a girl so hard she catched her breath + and panted and said, ‘O, don’t.’ Then I kissed her, and she is a great big + girl, bigger’n me, but she didn’t care. Say, did you ever kiss a girl full + of aignogg? If you did it would break up your grocery business. You would + want to waller in bliss instead of selling mackerel. My chum ain’t no + slouch either. He was sitting in a stuffed chair holding another New + Year’s girl, and I could hear him kiss her so it sounded like a cutter + scraping on bare ground. But the girl’s Pa came in and said he guessed it + was time to close the place, unless they had a license for an all night + house, and me and my chum went out. But <i>wasn’t</i> we sick when we got + out doors. O, it seemed as though the pegs in my boots was the only thing + that kept them down, and my chum he like to dide. He had been to dinner + and supper and I had only been skating all day, so he had more to contend + with than I did. O, my, but that lets me out on aignogg. I don’t know how + I got home, but I got in bed with Pa, cause Ma was called away to attend a + baby matinee in the night. I don’t know how it is, but there never is + anybody in our part of the town that has a baby but they have it in the + night, and they send for Ma. I don’t know what she has to be sent for + every time for. Ma ain’t to blame for all the young ones in this town, but + she has got up a reputashun, and when we hear the bell ring in the night + Ma gets up and begins to put on her clothes, and the next morning she + comes in the dining room with a shawl over her head, and says, ‘its a girl + and weighs ten pounds,’ or a boy, if its a boy baby. Ma was out on one of + her professional engagements, and I got in bed with Pa. I had heard Pa + blame Ma about her cold feet, so I got a piece of ice about as big as a + raisin box, just zactly like one of Ma’s feet, and I laid it right against + the small of Pa’s back. I couldn’t help laffing, but pretty soon Pa began + to squirm and he said, ‘Why’n ’ell don’t you warm them feet before you + come to bed,’ and then he hauled back his leg and kicked me clear out in + the middle of the floor, and said if he married again he would marry a + woman who had lost both of her feet in a railroad accident. Then I put the + ice back in the bed with Pa and went to my room, and in the morning Pa + said he sweat more’n a pail full in the night. Well, you must excuse me, I + have an engagement to shovel snow off the side-walk. But before I go, let + me advise you not to drink aignogg, and don’t sell torn cats for rabbits,” + and he got out the door just in time to miss the rutabaga that the grocery + man threw at him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA DISSECTED—THE MISERIES OP THE MUMPS—NO PICKLES + THANK YOU—ONE MORE EFFORT TO REFORM THE OLD MAN—THE BAD + BOY PLAYS MEDICAL STUDENT—PROCEEDS TO DISSECT HIS PA— + “GENTLEMEN I AM NOT DEAD!”—SAVED FROM THE SCALPEL!—“NO + MORE WHISKY FOR YOU.” + </pre> + <p> + “I understand your Pa has got to drinking again like a fish,” says the + grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth came in the grocery and took a + handful of dried apples. The boy ate a dried apple and then made up a + terrible face, and the grocery man asked him what he was trying to do with + his face. The boy caught his breath and then said: + </p> + <p> + “Say, don’t you know any better than to keep dried apples where a boy can + get hold of them when he has got the mumps? You will kill some boy yet by + such dum carelessness. I thought these were sweet dried apples, but they + are sour as a boarding house keeper, and they make me tired. Didn’t you + ever have the mumps? Gosh, but don’t it hurt though? You have got to be + darn careful when you have the mumps, and not go out bob-sledding, or + skating, or you will have your neck swell up biggern a milk pail. Pa says + he had the mumps once when he was a boy and it broke him all up. + </p> + <p> + “Well, never mind the mumps, how about your Pa spreeing it. Try one of + those pickles in the jar there, wont you. I always like to have a boy + enjoy himself when he comes to see me,” said the grocery man, winking to a + man who was filling and old fashioned tin box with tobacco out of the + pail, who winked back as much as to say, “if that boy eats a pickle on top + of them mumps we will have a circus, sure.” + </p> + <p> + “You can’t play no pickle on me, not when I have the mumps. Ma passed the + pickles to me this morning, and I took one mouthful, and like to had the + lockjaw. But Ma didn’t do it on purpose, I guess. She never had the mumps + and didn’t know how discouraging a pickle is. Darn if I didn’t feel as + though I had been struck in the butt of the ear with a brick. But about + Pa. He has been fuller’n a goose ever since New Year’s day. I think its + wrong for women to tempt feeble minded persons with liquor on New Year’s. + Now me and my chum, we can take a drink and then let it alone. We have got + brain, and know when we have got enough, but Pa, when he gets to going + don’t ever stop until he gets so sick that he can’t keep his stummick + inside of hisself. It is getting so they look to me to brace Pa up every + time he gets on a tear, and I guess I fixed him this time so he will never + touch liquor again. I scared him so his bald head turned gray in a singe + night. + </p> + <p> + “What under the heavens have you done to him now?” says the grocery man, + in astonishment. “I hope you haven’t done anything you will regret in + after years.” + </p> + <p> + “Regret nothing,” said the boy, as he turned the lid of the cheese box + back and took the knife and sliced off a piece of cheese, and took a few + crackers out of a barrel, and sat down on a soap box by the stove, “You + see Ma was annoyed to death with Pa. He would come home full, when she had + company, and lay down on the sofa and snore, and he would smell like a + distillery. It hurt me to see Ma cry, and I told her I would break Pa of + drinking if she would let me, and she said if I would promise not to hurt + Pa to go ahead, and I promised not to. Then I got my chum and another boy, + quite a big boy, to help, and Pa is all right. We went down to the place + where they sell arms and legs, to folks who have served in the army, or a + saw mill, or a thrashing machine, and lost their limbs, and we borrowed + some arms and legs, and fixed up a dissecting room. We fixed a long table + in the basement, big enough to lay Pa out on you know, and then we got + false whiskers and moustaches, and when Pa came in the house drunk and + laid down on the sofa, and got to sleep we took him and laid him out on + the table, and took some trunk straps, and a sircingle and strapped him + down to the table. He slept right along all through it, and we had another + table with the false arms and legs on, and we rolled up our sleeves, and + smoked pipes, Just like I read that medical students do when they cut up a + man. Well, you’d a dide to see Pa look at us when he woke up. I saw him + open his eyes, and then we began to talk about cutting up dead men. We put + hickory nuts in our mouths so our voices would sound different, so he + wouldn’t know us, and I was telling the other boys about what a time we + had cutting up the last man we bought. I said he was awful tough, and when + we had got his legs off and had taken out his brain, his friends come to + the dissecting room and claimed the body, and we had to give it up, but I + saved the legs. I looked at Pa on the table and he began to turn pale, and + he squirmed around to get up, but found he was fast. I had pulled his + shirt up under his arms, while he was asleep, and as he began to move I + took an icicle, and in the dim light of the candles, that were sitting on + the table in beer bottles, I drew the icicle across Pa’s stummick and I + said to my chum, ‘Doc, I guess we had better cut open this old duffer and + see if he died from inflamation of the stummick, from hard drinking, as + the coroner said he did.’ Pa shuddered all over when he felt the icicle + going over his bare stummick, and he said, ‘For God’s sake, gentlemen, + what does this mean? I am not dead.’” + </p> + <p> + “The other boys looked at Pa with astonishment, and I said ’Well, we + bought you for dead, and the coroner’s jury said you were dead, and by the + eternal we ain’t going to be fooled out of a corpse when we buy one, are + we Doc?’ My chum said not if he knowed his self, and the other students + said, ’Of course he is dead. He thinks he is alive, but he died day before + yesterday, fell dead on the street, and his folks said he had been a + nuisance and they wouldn’t claim the corpse, and we bought it at the + morgue. Then I drew the icicle across him again, and I said, ‘I don’t know + about this, doctor. I find that blood follows the scalpel as I cut through + the cuticle. Hand me the blood sponge please.’ Pa began to wiggle around, + and we looked at him, and my chum raised his eye-lid, and looked solemn, + and Pa said, ‘Hold on, gentlemen. Don’t cut into me any more, and I can + explain this matter. This is all a mistake. I was only drunk.’ We went in + a corner and whispered, and Pa kept talking all the time. He said if we + would postpone the hog killing he could send and get witnesses to prove + that he was not dead, but that he was a respectable citizen, and had a + family. After we held a consultation I went to Pa and told him that what + he said about being alive might possibly be true, though we had our + doubts. We had found such cases before in our practice east, where men + seemed to be alive, but it was only temporary. Before we had got them cut + up they were dead enough for all practical purposes. Then I laid the + icicle across Pa’s abdomen, and went on to tell him that even if he was + alive it would be better for him to play that he was dead, because he was + such a nuisance to his family that they did not want him, and I was + telling him that I had heard that in his lifetime he was very cruel to his + boy, a bright little fellow who was at the head of his class in Sunday + school and a pet wherever he was known, when Pa interrupted me and said, + ‘Doctor, please take that carving knife off my stomach, for it makes me + nervous. As for that boy of mine, he is the condemndest little whelp in + town, and he isn’t no pet anywhere. Now, you let up on this dissectin’ + business, and I will make it all right with you.’ We held another + consultation and then I told Pa that we did not feel that it was doing + justice to society to give up the body of a notorious drunkard, after we + had paid twenty dollars for the corpse. If there was any hopes that he + would reform and try and lead a different life, it would be different, and + I said to the boys, ‘gentlemen, we must do our duty. Doc, you dismember + that leg, and I will attend to the stomach and the upper part of the body. + He will be dead before we are done with him. We must remember that society + has some claims on us, and not let our better natures be worked upon by + the <i>post mortem</i> promises of a dead drunkard.’ Then I took my icicle + and began fumbling around the abdomen portion of Pa’s remains, and my chum + took a rough piece of ice and began to saw his leg off, while the other + boy took hold of the leg and said he would catch it when it dropped off. + Well, Pa kicked like a steer. He said he wanted to make one more appeal to + us, and we acted sort of impatient but we let up to hear what he had to + say. He said if we would turn him loose he would give us ten dollars more + than we paid, for his body, and that he would, never drink, another drop + as long as he lived. Then we whispered some more and then told him we + thought favorably of his last proposition, but he must swear, with his + hand on the leg of a corpse we were then dissecting that he would never + drink again, and then he must be blindfolded and be conducted several + blocks away from the dissecting room, before we could turn him loose. He + said that was all right, and so we blindfolded him, and made him take a + bloody oath, with his hand on a piece of ice that we told him was a piece + of another corpse, and then we took him out of the house and walked him + around the block four times, and left him on a corner, after he had + promised to send the money to an address that I gave him. We told him to + stand still five minutes after we left him, then remove the blindfold, and + go home. We watched him, from behind a board fence, and he took off the + handkerchief, looked at the name on a street lamp, and found he was not + far from home. He started off saying ‘That’s a pretty narrow escape old + man. No more whiskey for you.’ I did not see him again until this morning, + and when I asked him where he was last night he shuddered and said ‘none + of your darn business. But I never drink any more, you remember that.’ Ma + was tickled and she told me I was worth my weight in gold. Well, good day. + That cheese is musty.” And the boy went and caught on a passing sleigh. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA JOINS A TEMPERANCE SOCIETY. THE GROCERY MAN + SYMPATHISES WITH THE OLD MAN—WARNS THE BAD BOY THAT HE MAY + HAVE A STEP-FATHER!—THE BAD BOY SCORNS THE IDEA—INTRODUCES + HIS PA TO THE GRAND “WORTHY DUKE!”—THE SOLEMN OATH—THE + BRAND PLUCKED FROM THE BURNING. +</pre> + <p> + “Don’t you think my Pa is showing his age good deal more than usual?” + asked the bad boy of the grocery man, as he took a smoked herring out of a + box and peeled off the skin with a broken bladed jack-knife, and split it + open and ripped off the bone, threw the head at a cat, and took some + crackers and began to eat.. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don’t know but he does look as though he was getting old,” said + the grocery man, as he took a piece of yellow wrapping paper, and charged + the boy’s poor old father with a dozen herrings and a pound of crackers; + “But there is no wonder he is getting old. I wouldn’t go through what your + father has, the last year, for a million dollars. I tell you, boy, when + your father is dead, and you get a step-father, and he makes you walk the + chalk mark you will realize what a bonanza you have fooled yourself out of + by killing off your father. The way I figure it, your father will last + about six months, and you ought to treat him right, the little time he has + to live.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I am going to,” said the boy, as he picked the herring bones out of + his teeth with a piece of a match that he sharpened with his knife. “But I + don’t believe in borrowing trouble about a stepfather so long before hand. + I don’t think Ma could get a man to step into Pa’s shoes, as long as I + lived, not if she was inlaid with diamonds, and owned a brewery. There are + brave men, I know, that are on the marry, but none of them would want to + be brevet father to a chérubin like me, except he got pretty good wages. + And then, since Pa was dissected he is going to lead a different life, and + I guess I will make a man of him, if he holds out. We got him to join the + Good Templars last night.” + </p> + <p> + “No, you don’t tell me,” said the grocery man, as he thought that his + trade in cider for mince pies would be cut off. “So you got him into the + Good Templars, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, he thinks he has joined the Good Templars, so it is all the same. + You see my chum and me have been going to a private gymnasium, on the west + side kept by a Dutchman, and in a back room he has all the tools for + getting up muscle. There, look at my arm,” said the boy, as he rolled up + his sleeve and showed a muscle about as big is an oyster. “That is the + result of training at the gymnasium. Before I took lessons I hadn’t any + more muscle than you have got. Well, the dutchman was going to a dance on + the south side the other night, and he asked my chum to tend the + gymnasium, and I told Pa if he would join the Good Templars that night + there wouldn’t be many at the lodge, and he wouldn’t be so embarrassed, + and as I was one of the officers of the lodge I would put it to him light, + and he said he would go, so my chum got five other boys to help us put him + through. So we steered him down to the gymnasium, and made him rap on the + storm door outside, and I said who comes there, and he said it was a + pilgrim who wanted to jine our sublime order. I asked him if he had made + up his mind to turn from the ways of a hyena, and adopt the customs of the + truly good, and he said if he knew his own heart he had, and then I told + him to come in out of the snow and take off his pants. He kicked a little + at taking off his pants, because it was cold out there in the storm door + dog house, but I told him they all had to do it. The princes, potentates + and paupers all had to come to it. He asked me how it was when we + initiated women, and I told him women never took that degree. He pulled of + his pants, and wanted a check for them, but I told him the Grand Mogul + would hold his clothes, and then I blind-folded him, and with a base ball + club I pounded on the floor as I walked around the gymnasium, while the + lodge, headed by my chum, sung, ‘We wont go home till morning.’ I stopped + in front of the ice-water tank and said ‘Grand Worthy Duke, I bring before + you a pilgrim who has drank of the dregs until his stomach won’t hold + water, and who desires to swear off.’ The Grand Mogul asked me if he was + worthy and well qualified, and I told him that he had been drunk more or + less since the reunion last summer, which ought to qualify him. Then the + Grand Mogul made Pa repeat the most blood-curdling oath, in which Pa + agreed, if he ever drank another drop, to allow anybody to pull his + toe-nails out with tweezers, to have his liver dug out and fed to dogs, + his head chopped off, and his eyes removed. Then the Mogul said he would + brand the candidate on the bare back with the initial letters of our + order, ‘G. T.,’ that all might read how a brand had been snatched from the + burning. You’d a dide to see Pa flinch when I pulled up his shirt, and got + ready to brand him. + </p> + <p> + “My chum got a piece of ice out of the water cooler, and just as he + clapped it on Pa’s back I burned a piece of horses hoof in the candle and + held it to Pa’s nose, and I guess Pa actually thought it was his burning + skin that he smelled. He jumped about six feet and said, ‘Great heavens, + what you dewin’,’ and then he began to roll over a barrel which I had + arranged for him. Pa thought he was going down cellar, and he hung to the + barrel, but he was on top half the time. When Pa and the barrel got + through fighting I was beside him, and I said, ‘Calm yourself, and be + prepared for the ordeal that is to follow.’ Pa asked how much of this dum + fooling there was, and said he was sorry he joined. He said he could let + licker alone without having the skin all burned off his back. I told Pa to + be brave and not weaken, and all would be well. He wiped the perspiration + off his face on the end of his shirt, and we put a belt around his body + and hitched it to a tackle, and pulled him up so his feet were just off + the floor, and then we talked as though we were away off, and I told my + chum to look out that Pa did not hit the gas fixtures, and Pa actually + thought he was being hauled clear up to the roof. I could see he was + scared by the complexion of his hands and feet, as they clawed the air. He + actually sweat so the drops fell on the floor. Bime-by we let him down, + and he was awfully relieved, though his feet were not more than two inches + from the floor any of the time. We were just going to slip Pa down a board + with slivers in to give him a realizing sense of the rough road a reformed + man has to travel, and got him straddle of the board, when the dutchman + came home from the dance, fullern a goose, and he drove us boys out, and + we left Pa, and the dutchman said, ’Vot you vas doing here mit dose boys, + you old duffer, and vere vas your pants?’ and Pa pulled off the + handkerchief from his eyes, and the dutchman said if he didn’t get out in + a holy minute he would kick the stuffing out of him, and Pa got out. He + took his pants and put them on in the alley, and then we come up to Pa and + told him that was the third time the drunken dutchman had broke up our + Lodge, but we should keep on doing good until we had reformed every + drunkard in Milwaukee, and Pa said that was right, and he would see us + through if it cost every dollar he had. Then we took him home, and when Ma + asked if she couldn’t join the Lodge too, Pa said, ‘Now you take my + advice, and don’t you ever join no Good Templars. Your system could not + stand the racket. Say, I want you to put some cold cream on my back.’ I + think Pa will be a different man now, don’t you?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said if he was that boy’s pa for fifteen minutes he would + be a different boy, or there would be a funeral, and the boy took a + handful of soft-shelled almonds and a few layer raisins and skipped out. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA’S MARVELOUS ESCAPE—THE GROCERY MAN HAS NO VASELINE— + THE OLD MAN PROVIDES THREE FIRE ESCAPES—ONE OF THE ESCAPES + TESTED—HIS PA SCANDALIZES THE CHURCH—“SHE’S A DARLING!”— + WORLDLY MUSIC IN THE COURTS OF ZION. +</pre> + <p> + “Got any vaseline,” said the bad boy to the grocery man, as he went into + the store one cold morning, leaving the door open, and picked up a cigar + stub that had been thrown down near the stove, and began to smoke it. + </p> + <p> + “Shut the door, dum you. Was you brought up in a saw mill? You’ll freeze + every potato in the house. No, I haven’t got vaseline. What do you want of + vaseline?” said the grocery man, as he set the syrup keg on a chair by the + stove where it would thaw out. + </p> + <p> + “Want to rub it on Pa’s legs,” said the boy, as he tried to draw smoke + through the cigar stub. + </p> + <p> + “What is the matter with your Pa’s legs? Rheumatiz?” + </p> + <p> + “Wuss nor rheumatiz,” said the boy, as he threw away the cigar stub and + drew some cider in a broken tea cup. “Pa has got the worst looking hind + legs you ever saw. You see, since there has been so many fires Pa has got + offul scared, and he has bought three fire escapes, made out of rope with + knots in them, and he has been telling us every day how he could rescue + the whole family in case of fire. He told us to keep cool, whatever + happened, and to rely on him. If the house got on fire we were all to rush + to Pa, and he would save us. Well, last night Ma had to go to one of the + neighbors, where they was going to have twins, and we didn’t sleep much, + cause Ma had to come home twice in the night to get saffron, and an old + flannel petticoat that I broke in when I was a kid, cause the people where + Ma went did not know as twins was on the bill of fare, and they only had + flannel petticoats for one. Pa was cross at being kept awake, and told Ma + he hoped when all the children in Milwaukee were born, and got grown up, + she would take in her sign and not go around nights and act as usher to + baby matinees. Pa says there ought to be a law that babies should arrive + on the regular day trains, and not wait for the midnight express. Well, Pa + he got asleep, and he slept till about eight o’clock in the morning, and + the blinds were closed, and it was dark in his room, and I had to wait for + my breakfast till I was hungry as a wolf, and the girl told me to wake Pa + up, so I went up stairs, and I don’t know what made me think of it, but I + had some of this powder they make red fire with in the theatre, that me + and my chum had the 4th of July, and I put it in a washdish in the + bath-room, and I touched it off and hollered fire. I was going to wake Pa + up and tell him it was all right, and laugh at him. I guess there was too + much fire, or I yelled too loud, cause Pa jumped out of bed and grabbed a + rope and rushed through the hall towards the back window, that goes out on + a shed. I tried to say something, but Pa ran over me and told me to save + myself, and I got to the back window to tell him there was no fire just as + he let himself out the window He had one end of the rope tied to the leg + of the washstand, and he was climbing down the back side of the shed by + the kitchen, with nothing on but his nightshirt, and he was the horriblest + looking object ever was, with his legs flying and trying to stick his + toenails into the rope and the side of the house.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0020" id="linkimage-0020"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p169.jpg" alt="Pa’s Fire Escape P169 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I dont think a man looks well in society with nothing on but his + nightshirt. I didn’t blame the hired girls for being scared when they saw + Pa and his legs coming down outside the window, and when they yelled I + went down to the kitchen, and they said a crazy man with no clothes but a + pillow slip around his neck was trying to kick the window in, and they run + into the parlor, and I opened the door and let Pa in the kitchen. He asked + me if anybody else was saved and then I told him there was no fire, and he + must have dreamed he was in hell, or somewhere. Well Pa was astonished, + and said he must be wrong in the head, and I left him thawing himself by + the stove while I went after his pants, and his legs were badly chilled, + but I guess nothin’ was froze. He lays it all to Ma, and says if she would + stay at home and let people run their own baby shows, there would be more + comfort in the house. Ma came in with a shawl over her head, and a bowl + full of something that smelled frowy, and after she had told us what the + result of her visit was, she sent me after vaseline to rub Pa’s legs. Pa + says that he has demonstrated that if a man is cool and collected, in case + of fire, and goes deliberately at work to save himself, he will come out + all right.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you are the meanest boy I ever heard of,” said the grocery man. + “But what about your Pa’s dancing a clog dance in church Sunday? The + minister’s hired girl was in here after some codfish yesterday morning, + and she said the minister said your Pa had scandalized the church the + worst way.” + </p> + <p> + “O, he didn’t dance in church. He was a little excited, that’s all. You + see, Pa chews tobacco, and it is pretty hard on him to sit all through a + sermon without taking a chew, and he gets nervous. He always reaches + around in his pistol pocket, when they stand up to sing the last time, and + feels in his tobacco box and gets out a chew, and puts it in his mouth + when the minister pronounces the benediction, and then when they get out + doors he is all ready to spit. He always does that. Well, my chum had a + present, on Christmas, of a music box, just about as big as Pa’s tobacco + box, and all you have to do is to touch a spring and it plays, ‘She’s a + Daisy, She’s a Dumpling.’ I borrowed it and put it in Pa’s pistol pocket, + where he keeps his tobacco box, and when the choir got most through + singing Pa reached his hand in his pocket and began to fumble around for a + chew. He touched the spring, and just as everybody bowed their heads to + receive the benediction, and it was so still you could hear a gum drop, + the music box began to play, and in the stillness it sounded as loud as a + church organ. Well, I thought Ma would sink. The minister heard it, and + everybody looked at Pa, too, and Pa turned red, and the music box kept up, + ‘She’s a Daisy,’ and the minister looked mad and said ’Amen,’ and the + people began to put on their coats, and the minister told the deacon to + hunt up the source of that worldly music, and they took Pa into the room + back of the pulpit and searched him, and Ma says Pa will have to be + churched. They kept the music box, and I have got to carry in coal to get + money enough to buy my chum a new music box. Well, I shall have to go and + get that vaseline or Pa’s legs will suffer. Good day.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0032" id="link2HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA JOKES HIM. THE BAD BOY CAUGHT AT LAST—HOW TO GROW A + MOUSTACHE—TAR AND CAYENNE PEPPER—THE GROCERYMAN’S PATE IS + SEALED—FATHER AND SON JOIN IN A PRACTICAL JOKE—SOFT SOAP + ON THE STEPS—DOWN FALL OF MINISTERS AND DEACONS—MA TO THE + RESCUE!—THE BAD BOY GETS EVEN WITH HIS PA. +</pre> + <p> + “What on earth is that you have got on your upper lip?” said the grocery + man to the bad boy, as he came in and began to peel a rutabaga, and his + upper lip hung down over his teeth, and was covered with something that + looked like shoemaker’s wax, “You look as though you had been digging + potatoes with your nose.” + </p> + <p> + “O, that is some of Pa’s darn smartness. I asked him if he knew anything + that would make a boy’s moustache grow, and he told me the best thing he + ever tried was tar, and for me to rub it on thick when I went to bed, and + wash it off in the morning. I put it on last night, and by gosh I can’t + wash it off. Pa told me all I had to do was to use a scouring brick, and + it would come off, and I used the brick, and it took the skin off, and the + tar is there yet, and say, does my lip look very bad?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man told him it was the worst looking lip he ever saw, but he + could cure it by rubbing a little cayenne pepper in the tar. He said the + tar would neutralize the pepper, and the pepper would loosen the tar, and + act as a cooling lotion to the lacerated lip. The boy went to a can of + pepper behind the counter, and stuck his finger in and rubbed a lot of it + on his lip, and then his hair began to raise, and he began to cry, and + rushed to the water-pail and ran his face into the water to wash off the + pepper. The grocery man laughed, and when the boy had got the pepper + washed off, and had resumed his rutabaga, he said: + </p> + <p> + “That seals your fate. No man ever trifles with the feelings of the bold + buccanneer of the Spanish main, without living to rue it. I will lay for + you, old man, and don’t you forget it. Pa thought he was smart when he got + me to put tar on my lip, to bring my moustache out, and to-day he lays on + a bed of pain, and to-morrow your turn will come. You will regret that you + did not get down on your knees and beg my pardon. You will be sorry that + you did not prescribe cold cream for my bruised lip, instead of cayenne + pepper. Beware, you base twelve ounces to the pound huckster, you + gimlet-eyed seller of dog sausage, you sanded sugar idiot, you small + potato three card monte sleight of hand rotton egg fiend, you villian that + sells smoked sturgeon and dogfish for smoked halibut. The avenger is on + your track.” + </p> + <p> + “Look here, young man, don’t you threaten me, or I will take you by the + ear and walk you through green fields, and beside still waters, to the + front door, and kick your pistol pocket clear around so you can wear it + for a watch pocket in your vest. No boy can frighten me by crimus. But + tell me, how did you get even with your Pa?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, give me a glass of cider and we will be friends and I will tell + you. Thanks! Gosh, but that cider is made out of mouldy dried apples and + sewer water,” and he took a handful of layer raisins off the top of a box + to take the taste out of his mouth, and while the grocer charged a peck of + rutabagas, a gallon of cider and two pounds of raisins to the boy’s Pa, + the boy proceeded: “You see, Pa likes a joke the best of anybody you ever + saw, if it is on somebody else, but he kicks like a steer when it is on + him. I asked him this morning if it wouldn’t be a good joke to put some + soft soap on the front step, so the letter carrier would slip up and spill + his-self, and Pa said it would be elegant. Pa is a Democrat, and he thinks + that anything that will make it unpleasant for Republican office holders, + is legitimate, and he encouraged me to paralyze the letter-carrier. The + letter-carrier is as old a man as Pa, and I didn’t want to humiliate him, + but I just wanted Pa to give his consent, so he couldn’t kick if he got + caught in his own trap. You see? + </p> + <p> + “Well, this morning the minister and two of the deacons called on Pa, to + have a talk with him about his actions in church, on two or three + occasions, when he pulled out the pack of cards with his handkerchief, and + played the music box, and they had a pretty hot time in the back parlor, + and finally they settled it, and were going to sing a hymn, when Pa handed + them a little hymn book, and the minister opened it and turned pale and + said, ’what’s this?’ and they looked at it, and it was a book of Hoyle’s + games instead of a hymn book. Gosh, wasn’t the minister mad! He had + started to read a hymn and he quit after he read two lines where it said, + ‘In a game of four-handed euchre, never trump your partner’s ace, but rely + on the ace to take the trick on suit.’ Pa was trying to explain how the + book came to be there, when the minister and the deacons started out, and + then I poured the two quart tin pail full of soft soap on the front step. + It was this white soap, just the color of the step, and when I got it + spread I went down in the basement. The visitors came out and Pa was + trying to explain to them, about Hoyle, when one of the deacons stepped in + the soap, and his feet flew up and he struck on his pants and slid down + the steps. The minister said ‘great heavens, deacon, are you hurt? let me + assist you,’ and he took two quick steps, and you have seen these fellows + in a nigger show that kick each other head over heels and fall on their + ears, and stand on their heads and turn around like a top. The minister’s + feet slipped and the next I saw he was standing on his head in his hat, + and his legs were sort of wilted and fell limp by his side, and he fell + over on his stomach. You talk about spreading the gospel in heathen lands. + It is nothing to the way you can spread it with two quarts of soft soap. + The minister didn’t look pious a bit, when he was trying to catch the + railing he looked as though he wanted to murder every man on earth, but it + may be he was tired. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Pa was paralyzed, and he and the other deacon rushed out to pick up + the minister and the first old man, and when they struck the step they + went kiting. Pa’s feet somehow slipped backwards, and he turned a + summersault and struck full length on his back, and one heel was across + the minister’s neck, and he slid down the steps, and the other deacon fell + all over the other three, and Pa swore at them, and it was the worst + looking lot of pious people I ever saw. I think if the minister had been + in the woods somewhere, where nobody could have heard him, he would have + used language. They all seemed mad at each other. The hired girl told Ma + there was three tramps out on the sidewalk fighting Pa, and Ma she took + the broom and started to help Pa, and I tried to stop Ma, ’cause her + constitution is not very strong and I didn’t want her to do any flying + trapeze bizness, but I couldn’t stop her, and she went out with the broom + and a towel tied around her head. Well, I don’t know where Ma did strike, + but when she came in she said she had palpitation of the heart, but that + was not the place where she put the arnica. O, but she <i>did</i> go + through the air like a bullet through cheese, and when she went down the + steps a bumpity-bump, I felt sorry for Ma. The minister had got so he + could set up on the sidewalk, with his back against the lower step, when + Ma came sliding down, and one of the heels of her gaiters hit the minister + in the hair, and the other foot went right through between his arm and his + side, and the broom like to pushed his teeth down his throat. But he was + not mad at Ma. As soon as he see it was Ma he said, ’Why, sister, the + wicked stand in slippery places, don’t they?’ and Ma she was mad and said + for him to let go her stocking, and then Pa was mad and he said, + ‘look-a-here you sky-pilot, this thing has gone far enough,’ and then a + policeman came along and first he thought they were all drunk, but he + found they were respectable, and he got a chip and scraped the soap off of + them, and they went home, and Pa and Ma they got in the house some way, + and just then the letter-carrier came along, but he didn’t have any + letters for us, and he didn’t come onto the steps, and then I went up + stairs and I said, ‘Pa, don’t you think it is real mean, after you and I + fixed the soap on the steps for the letter-carrier, he didn’t come on the + step at all,’ and Pa was scraping the soap off his pants with a piece of + shingle, and the hired girl was putting liniment on Ma, and heating it in + for palpitation of the heart, and Pa said, ‘You dam idjut, no more of + this, or I’ll maul the liver out of you,’ and I asked him if he didn’t + think soft soap would help a moustache to grow, and he picked up Ma’s + work-basket and threw it at my head, as I went down stairs, and I came + over him. Don’t you think my Pa is unreasonable to get mad at a little + joke that he planned himself?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said he didn’t know, and the boy went out with a pair of + skates over his shoulder, and the grocery man is wondering what joke the + boy will play on him to-get even for the cayenne pepper. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0033" id="link2HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GETS MAD—A BOOM IN COURT-PLASTER—THE BAD BOY + DECLINES BEING MAULED!—THE OLD MAN GETS A HOT BOX—THE BAD + BOY BORROWS A CAT!—THE BATTLE!—“HELEN BLAZES”—THE CAT + VICTORIOUS!—THE BAD BOY DRAWS THE LINE AT KINDLING WOOD! +</pre> + <p> + “I was down to the drug store this morning, and saw your Ma buying a lot + of court-plaster, enough to make a shirt, I should think. What’s she doing + with so much court-plaster?” asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as he + came in and pulled off his boots by the stove and emptied out a lot of + snow, that had collected as he walked through a drift, which melted and + made a bad smell. + </p> + <p> + “O, I guess she is going to patch Pa up so he will hold water. Pa’s temper + got him into the worst muss you ever see, last night. If that museum was + here now they would hire Pa and exhibit him as the tattooed man. I tell + you, I have got too old to be mauled as though I was a kid, and any man + who attacks me from this out, wants to have his peace made with the + insurance companies, and know that his calling and election is sure, + because I am a bad man, and don’t you forget it.” And the boy pulled on + his boots and looked so cross and desperate that the grocery man asked him + if he wouldn’t try a little new cider. + </p> + <p> + “Good heavens!” said the grocery man, as the boy swallowed the cider, and + his face resumed its natural look, and the piratical frown disappeared + with the cider. “You have not stabbed your father, have you? I have feared + that one thing would bring on another, with you, and that you would yet be + hung.” + </p> + <p> + “Naw, I haven’t stabbed him. It was another cat that stabbed him. You see, + Pa wants me to do all the work around the house. The other day he bought a + load of kindling wood, and told me to carry it into the basement. I have + not been educated up to kindling wood, and I didn’t do it. When supper + time came, and Pa found that I had not carried in the kindling wood, he + had a hot box, and he told me if that wood was not in when he came back + from the lodge, that he would warm my jacket. Well, I tried to hire some + one to carry it in, and got a man to promise to come in the morning and + carry it in and take his pay in groceries, and I was going to buy the + groceries here and have them charged to Pa. But that wouldn’t help me out + that night. I knew when Pa came home he would search for me. So I slept in + the back hall on a cot. But I didn’t want Pa to have all his trouble for + nothing, so I borrowed an old torn cat that my chum’s old maid aunt owns, + and put the cat in my bed. I thought if Pa came in my room after me, and + found that by his unkindness I had changed to a torn cat, he would be + sorry. That is the biggest cat you ever see, and the worst fighter in our + ward. It isn’t afraid of anything, and can whip a New Foundland dog + quicker than you could put sand in a barrel of sugar. Well, about eleven + o’clock I heard Pa tumble over the kindling wood, and I knew by the remark + he made, as the wood slid around under him, that there was going to be a + cat fight real quick. He come up to Ma’s room, and sounded Ma as to + whether Hennery had retired to his virtuous couch. Pa is awful sarcastic + when he tries to be. I could hear him take off his clothes, and hear him + say, as he picked up a trunk strap, ’I guess I will go up to his room and + watch the smile on his face, as he dreams of angels. I yearn to press him + to my aching bosom. I thought to myself, mebbe you won’t yearn so much + directly. He come up stairs, and I could hear him breathing hard. I looked + around the corner and could see he just had on his shirt and pants, and + his suspenders were hanging down, and his bald head shone like a calcium + light just before it explodes. Pa went in my room, and up to the bed, and + I could hear him say, ‘Come out here and bring in that kindling wood, or I + will start a fire on your base-burner with this strap.’ And then there was + a yowling such as I never heard before, and Pa said, ‘Helen Blazes,’ and + the furniture in my room began to fall around and break. O, <i>my!</i> I + think Pa took the torn cat right by the neck, the way he does me, and that + left all the cat’s feet free to get in their work. By the way the cat + squawled as though it was being choked, I know Pa had him by the neck. I + suppose the cat thought Pa was a whole flock of New Found-land dogs, and + the cat had a record on dogs, and it kicked awful. Pa’s shirt was no + protection at all in a cat fight, and the cat just walked all around Pa’s + stomach, and Pa yelled ‘police,’ and ‘fire,’ and ‘turn on the hose,’ and + he called Ma, and the cat yowled. If Pa had had the presence of mind + enough to have dropped the cat, or rolled it up in the mat-trass, it would + have been all right, but a man always gets rattled in time of danger, and + he held onto the cat and started down stairs yelling murder, and he met Ma + coming up. + </p> + <p> + “I guess Ma’s night-cap, or something, frightened the cat some more, cause + he stabbed Ma on the night-shirt with one hind foot, and Ma said ‘mercy on + us,’ and she went back, and Pa stumbled on a hand-sled that was on the + stairs, and they all fell down, and the cat got away and went down in the + coal bin and yowled all night. Pa and Ma went into their room, and I guess + they anointed themselves with vasaline, and Pond’s extract, and I went and + got into my bed, cause it was cold out in the hall, and the cat had warmed + my bed as well as it had warmed Pa. It was all I could do to go to sleep, + with Pa and Ma talking all night, and this morning I came down the back + stairs, and havn’t been to breakfast, cause I don’t want to see Pa when he + is vexed. You let the man that carries in the kindling wood have six + shillings worth of groceries, and charge them to Pa. I have passed the + kindling wood period in a boy’s life, and have arrived at the coal period. + I will carry in coal, but I draw the line at kindling wood. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you are a cruel, bad boy,” said the grocery man, as he went to the + book and charged the six shillings. + </p> + <p> + “O, I don’t know. I think Pa is cruel. A man who will take a poor kitty by + the neck, that hasn’t done any harm, and tries to chastise the poor thing + with a trunk strap, ought to be looked after by the humane society. And if + it is cruel to take a cat by the neck, how much more cruel is it to take a + boy by the neck, that had diphtheria only a few years ago, and whose + throat is tender. Say, I guess I will accept your invitation to take + breakfast with you,” and the boy cut off a piece of bologna and helped + himself to the crackers, and while the grocery man was cut shoveling off + the snow from the sidewalk, the boy filled his pockets with raisins and + loaf sugar, and then went out to watch the man carry in his kindling wood. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0034" id="link2HCH0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA AN INVENTOR THE BAD BOY A MARTYR—THE DOG-COLLAR IN + THE SAUSAGE—A PATENT STOVE—THE PATENT TESTED!—HIS PA A + BURNT OFFERING—EARLY BREAKFAST! +</pre> + <p> + “Ha! Ha! Now I have got you,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, the + other morning, as he came in and jumped upon the counter and tied the end + of a ball of twine to the tail of a dog, and “sicked” the dog on another + dog that was following a passing sleigh, causing the twine to pay out + until the whole ball was scattered along the block. “Condemn you, I’ve a + notion to choke the liver out of you. Who tied that twine to the dog’s + tail?” + </p> + <p> + The boy choked up with emotion, and the tears came into his eyes, and he + said he didn’t know anything about the twine or the dog. He said he + noticed the dog come in, and wag his tail around the twine, but he + supposed the dog was a friend of the family, and did not disturb him. + “Everybody lays everything that is done to me,” said the boy, as he put + his handkerchief to his nose, “and they will be sorry for it when I die. I + have a good notion to poison myself by eating some of your glucose sugar. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, and you do about everything that is mean. The other day a lady came + in and told me to send up to her house some of my country sausage, done up + in muslin bags, and while she was examining it she noticed something hard + inside the bags, and asked me what it was, and I opened it, and I hope to + die if there wasn’t a little brass pad-lock and a piece of a red morocco + dog collar imbedded in the sausage. Now how do you suppose that got in + there?” and the grocery man looked savage. + </p> + <p> + The boy looked interested, and put on an expression as though in deep + thought, and finally said, “I suppose the farmer that put up the sausage + did not strain the dog meat. Sausage meat ought to be strained.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man pulled in about half a block of twine, after the dog had + run against a fence and broke it, and told the boy he knew perfectly well + how the brass pad-lock came to be in the sausage, but thinking it was + safer to have the good will of the boy than the ill will, he offered him a + handfull of prunes. + </p> + <p> + “No,” says the boy, “I have swore off on mouldy prunes. I am no + kinder-garten any more. For years I have eaten rotten peaches around this + store, and everything you couldn’t sell, but I have turned over a new leaf + now, and after this nothing is too good for me, Since Pa has got to be an + inventor, we are going to live high.” + </p> + <p> + “What’s your Pa invented? I saw a hearse and three hacks go up on your + street the other day, and I thought may be you had killed your Pa.” + </p> + <p> + “Not much. There will be more than three hacks when I kill Pa, and don’t + you forget it. Well, sir, Pa has struck a fortune, if he can make the + thing work. He has got an idea about coal stoves that will bring him + several million dollars, if he gets a royalty of five dollars on every + cook stove in the world. His idea is to have a coal stove on castors with + the pipe made to telescope out and in, and rubber hose for one joint, so + you can pull the stove all around the room and warm any particular place. + Well, sir, to hear Pa tell about it, you would think it would + revolutionize the country, and maybe it will when he gets it perfected, + but he came near burning the house up, and scared us half to death this + morn-ing, and burned his shirt off, and he is all covered with cotton with + sweet oil on, and he smells like salad dressing. + </p> + <p> + “You see Pa had a pipe made and some castors put on our coal stove, and he + tied a rope to the hearth of the stove, and had me put in some kindling + wood and coal last night, so he could draw the stove up to the bed and + light the fire without getting up. Ma told him he would put his foot in + it, and he told her to dry up, and let him run the stove business. He said + it took a man with brain to run a patent right, and Ma she pulled the + clothes over her head and let Pa do the fire act. She has been building + the fires for twenty years, and thought she would let Pa see how good it + was. Well, Pa pulled the stove to the bed, and touched off the kindling + wood. I guess maybe I got a bundle of kindling wood that the hired girl + had put kerosene on, cause it blazed up awful and smoked, and the blaze + bursted out the doors and windows of the stove, and Pa yelled fire, and I + jumped out of bed and rushed in and he was the scartest man you ever see, + and you’d a dide to see how he kicked when I threw a pail of water on his + legs and put his shirt out. Ma did not get burned, but she was pretty wet, + and she told Pa she would pay the five dollars royalty on that stove and + take the castors off and let it remain stationary. Pa says he will make it + work if he burns the house down. I think it was real mean in Pa to get mad + at me because I threw cold water on him instead of warm water, to put his + shirt out. If I had waited till I could heat water to the right + temperature I would have been an orphan and Pa would have been a burnt + offering. But some men always kick at everything. Pa has given up business + entirely and says he shall devote the remainder of his life curing himself + of the different troubles that I get him into. He has retained a doctor by + the year, and he buys liniment by the gallon.” + </p> + <p> + “What was it about your folks getting up in the middle of the night to + eat? The hired girl was over here after some soap the other morning, and + she said she was going to leave your house.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, that was a picnic. Pa said he wanted breakfast earlier than we was + in the habit of having it, and he said I might see to it that the house + was awake early enough. The other night I awoke with the awfulest pain you + ever heard of. It was that night that you give me and my chum the bottle + of pickled oysters that had begun to work. Well, I couldn’t sleep, and I + thought I would call the hired girls, and they got up and got breakfast to + going, and then I rapped on Pa and Ma’s door and told them the breakfast + was getting cold, and they got up and came down. We eat breakfast by gas + light, and Pa yawned and said it made a man feel good to get up and get + ready for work before daylight, the way he used to on the farm, and Ma she + yawned and agreed with Pa, ’cause she has to, or have a row. After + breakfast we sat around for an hour, and Pa said it was a long time + getting daylight, and bimeby Pa looked at his watch. When he began to pull + out his watch I lit out and hid in the storeroom, and pretty soon I heard + Pa and Ma come up stairs and go to bed, and then the hired girls, they + went to bed, and when it was all still, and the pain had stopped inside of + my clothes, I went to bed, and I looked to see what time it was and it was + two o’clock in the morning. We got dinner at eight o’clock in the morning, + and Pa said he guessed he would call up the house after this, so I have + lost another job, and it was all on account of that bottle of pickled + oysters you gave me. My chum says he had colic too, but he didn’t call up + his folks. It was all he could do to get up hisself. Why don’t you + sometimes give away something that is not spiled?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said he guessed he knew what to give away, and the boy + went out and hung up a sign in front of the grocery, that he had made on + wrapping paper with red chalk, which read, “Rotten eggs, good enough for + custard pies, for 18 cents a dozen.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0035" id="link2HCH0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GETS BOXED—A PARROT FOR SALE—THE OLD MAN IS DOWN ON + THE GROCER—“A CONTRITE HEART BEATS A BOB-TAIL FLUSH!”— + POLLLY’S RESPONSES—CAN A PARROT GO TO HELL?—THE OLD MAN + GETS ANOTHER BLACK EYE—DUFFY HITS FOR KEEPS—NOTHING LIKE + AN OYSTER FOR A BLACK EYE. +</pre> + <p> + “You don’t want to buy a good parrot, do you,” said the bad boy to the + grocery man, as he put his wet mittens on the top of the stove to dry, and + kept his back to the stove so he could watch the grocery man, and be + prepared for a kick, if the man should remember the rotten egg sign that + the boy put up in front of the grocery, last week. + </p> + <p> + “Naw, I don’t want no parrot. I had rather have a fool boy around than a + parrot. But what’s the matter with your Ma’s parrot? I thought she + wouldn’t part with him for anything.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, she wouldn’t until Wednesday night; but now she says she will not + have him around, and I may have half I can get for him. She told me to go + to some saloon, or some disreputable place and sell him, and I thought + maybe he would about suit you,” and the boy broke into a bunch of celery, + and took out a few tender stalks and rubbed them on a codfish, to salt + them, and began to bite the stalks, while he held the sole of one wet boot + up against the stove to dry it, making a smell of burned leather that came + near turning the stomach of the cigar sign. + </p> + <p> + “Look-a-here, boy, don’t you call this a disreputable place. Some of the + best people in this town come here,” said the grocery man, as he held up + the cheese-knife and grated his teeth as though he would like to jab it + into, the youth. + </p> + <p> + “O, that’s all right, they come here ’cause you trust; but you make up + what you lose by charging it to other people. Pa will make it hot for you + the last of the week. He has been looking over your bill, and comparing it + with the hired girl, and she says we haven’t ever had a prune, or a dried + apple, or a raisin, or any cinnamon, or crackers and cheese out of your + store, and he says you are worse than the James Brothers, and that you + used to be a three card monte man; and he will have you arrested for + highway robbery, but you can settle that with Pa. I like you, because you + are no ordinary sneak thief. You are a high-toned, gentlemanly sort of a + bilk, and wouldn’t take anything you couldn’t lift. O, keep your seat, and + don’t get excited. It does a man good to hear the truth from one who has + got the nerve to tell it. + </p> + <p> + “But about the parrot. Ma has been away from home for a week, having a + high old time in Chicago, going to theatres and things, and while she was + gone, I guess the hired girl or somebody learned the parrot some new + things to say. A parrot that can only say ‘Polly wants a cracker,’ dont + amount to anything—what we need is new style parrots that can + converse on the topics of the day, and say things original. Well, when Ma + got back, I guess her conscience hurt her for the way she had been + carrying on in Chicago, and so when she heard the basement of the church + was being frescoed, she invited the committee to hold the Wednesday + evening prayer meeting at our house. First, there were four people came, + and Ma asked Pa to stay to make up a quorum, and Pa said seeing he had two + pair, he guessed he would stay in, and if Ma would deal him a queen he + would have a full hand. I don’t know what Pa meant; but he plays draw + poker sometimes. Anyway, there was eleven people came, including the + minister, and after they had talked about the neighbors a spell, and Ma + had showed the women a new tidy she had worked for the heathen, with a + motto on it which Pa had taught her: ’A contrite heart beats a bob-tailed + flush,’—and Pa had talked to the men about a religious silver mine + he was selling stock in, which he advised them as a friend to buy for the + glory of the church, they all went in the back parlor, and the minister + led in prayer. He got down on his knees right under the parrot’s cage, and + you’d a dide to see Polly hang on to the wires of the cage with one foot, + and drop an apple core on the minister’s head. Ma shook her handkerchief + at Polly, and looked sassy, and Polly got up on the perch, and as the + minister got warmed up, and began to raise the roof, Polly said, ‘O, dry + up.’ The minister had his eyes shut, but he opened one of them a little + and looked at Pa. Pa was tickled at the parrot, but when the minister + looked at Pa as though it was him that was making irreverent remarks, Pa + was mad. + </p> + <p> + “The minister got to the ‘Amen,’ and Polly shook hisself and said ‘What + you giving us?’ and the minister got up and brushed the bird seed off his + knees, and he looked mad. I thought Ma would sink with mortification, and + I was sitting on a piano stool, looking as pious as a Sunday school + superintendent the Sunday before he skips out with the bank’s funds; and + Ma looked at me as though she thought it was me that had been tampering + with the parrot. Gosh, I never said a word to that parrot, and I can prove + it by my chum. + </p> + <p> + “Well, the minister asked one of the sisters if she wouldn’t pray, and she + wasn’t engaged, so she said with pleasure, and she kneeled down, but she + corked herself, ’cause she got one knee on a cast iron dumb bell that I + had been practising with. She said ‘O my,’ in a disgusted sort of a way, + and then she began to pray for the reformation of the youth of the land, + and asked for the spirit to descend on the household, and particularly on + the boy that was such a care and anxiety to his parents, and just then + Polly said, ‘O, pull down your vest.’ Well, you’d a dide to see that woman + look at me. The parrot cage was partly behind the window curtain, and they + couldn’t see it, and she thought it was me. She looked at Ma as though she + was wondering why she didn’t hit me with a poker, but she went on, and + Polly said, ‘wipe off your chin,’ and then the lady got through and got + up, and told Ma it must be a great trial to have an idiotic child, and + then Ma she was mad and said it wasn’t half so bad as it was to be a + kleptomaniac, and then the woman got up and said she wouldn’t stay no + longer, and Pa said to me to take that parrot out doors, and that seemed + to make them all good natured again. Ma said to take the parrot and give + it to the poor. I took the cage and pointed my finger at the parrot and it + looked at the woman and said ‘old catamaran,’ and the woman tried to look + pious and resigned, but she couldn’t. As I was going out the door the + parrot ruffed up his feathers and said ‘Dammit, set em up,’ and I hurried + out with the cage for fear he would say something bad, and the folks all + held up their hands and said it was scandalous. Say, I wonder if a parrot + can go to hell with the rest of the community. Well, I put the parrot in + the woodshed, and after they all had their innings, except Pa, who acted + as umpire, the meeting broke up, and Ma says its the last time she will + have that gang at her house. + </p> + <p> + “That must have been where your Pa got his black eye,” said the grocery + man, as he charged the bunch of celery to the boy’s Pa. “Did the minister + hit him, or was it one of the sisters?” + </p> + <p> + “O, he didn’t get his black eye at prayer meeting!” said the boy, as he + took his mittens off the stove and rubbed them to take the stiffening out. + “It was from boxing. Pa told my chum and me that it was no harm to learn + to box, cause we could defend ourselves, and he said he used to be a holy + terror with the boxing gloves when he was a boy, and he has been giving us + lessons. Well, he is no slouch, now I tell you, and handles himself pretty + well for a church member. I read in the paper how Zack Chandler played it + on Conkling by getting Jem Mace, the prize fighter, to knock him silly, + and I asked Pa if he wouldn’t let me bring a poor boy who had no father to + teach him boxing, to our house to learn to box, and Pa said certainly, + fetch him along. He said he would be glad to do anything for a poor + orphan. So I went down in the Third ward and got an Irish boy by the name + of Duffy, who can knock the socks off of any boy in the ward. He fit a + prize fight once. It would have made you laugh to see Pa telling him how + to hold his hands and how to guard his face. He told Duffy not to be + afraid, but strike right out and hit for keeps. Duffy said he was afraid + Pa would get mad if he hit him, and Pa said, ’nonsense, boy, knock me down + if you can, and I will laugh ha! ha!’ Well, Duffy he hauled back and gave + Pa one in the nose and another in both eyes, and cuffed him on the ear and + punched him in the stomach, and lammed him in the mouth and made his teeth + bleed, and then he gave him a side-winder in both eyes, and Pa pulled off + the boxing gloves and grabbed a chair, and we adjourned and went down + stairs as though there was a panic. I haven’t seen Pa since. Was his eye + very black?” + </p> + <p> + “Black, I should say so,” said the grocery man. “And his nose seemed to be + trying to look into his left ear. He was at the market buying beefsteak to + put on it.” + </p> + <p> + “O, beef steak is no account. I must go and see him and tell him that an + oyster is the best thing for a black eye. Well, I must go. A boy has a + pretty hard time running a house the way it should be run,” and the boy + went out and hung up a sign in front of the grocery: “<i>Frowy Butter a + Speshulty</i>.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg’s Peck’s Bad Boy and His Pa, by George W. Peck + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA *** + +***** This file should be named 25487-h.htm or 25487-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/4/8/25487/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..99b264c --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #25487 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/25487) diff --git a/old/25487-h.htm.2021-01-25 b/old/25487-h.htm.2021-01-25 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2728bb8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/25487-h.htm.2021-01-25 @@ -0,0 +1,5767 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Peck's Bad Boy and his Pa., by Geo. W. Peck + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd7; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa + 1883 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Illustrator: Gean Smith + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25487] +Last Updated: November 22, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="Cover " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" alt="Frontispiece " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/titlepage.jpg" alt="Titlepage " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Geo. W. Peck + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h3> + With Illustrations by Gean Smith. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h4> + Belford, Clarke & Co. - 1883. + </h4> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [Transcriber’s Note: The variable grammar and punctuation in + this file make it difficult to decide which errors are + archaic usage and which the printer’s fault. I have made + corrections only of what appeared obvious printer’s errors. + This eBook is taken from the 1883 1st edition.] +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A CARD FROM THE AUTHOR. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Office of “Peck’s Sun,” Milwaukee, Feb., 1883. + + Belford, Clarke & Co.: + + Gents—If you have made up your minds that the world will + cease to move unless these “Bad Boy” articles are given to + the public in book form, why go ahead, and peace to your + ashes. The “Bad Boy” is not a “myth,” though there may be + some stretches of imagination in the articles. The + counterpart of this boy is located in every city, village + and country hamlet throughout the land. He is wide awake, + full of vinegar, and is ready to crawl under the canvas of a + circus or repeat a hundred verses of the New Testament in + Sunday School. He knows where every melon patch in the + neighborhood is located, and at what hours the dog is + chained up. He will tie an oyster can to a dog’s tail to + give the dog exercise, or will fight at the drop of the hat + to protect the smaller boy or a school girl. He gets in his + work everywhere there is a fair prospect of fun, and his + heart is easily touched by an appeal in the right way, + though his coat-tail is oftener touched with a boot than his + heart is by kindness. But he shuffles through life until the + time comes for him to make a mark in the world, and then he + buckles on the harness and goes to the front, and becomes + successful, and then those who said he would bring up in + State Prison, remember that he always <i>was</i> a mighty smart + lad, and they never tire of telling of some of his deviltry + when he was a boy, though they thought he was pretty tough + at the time. This book is respectfully dedicated to boys, to + the men who have been boys themselves, to the girls who like + the boys, and to the mothers, bless them, who like both the + boys and the girls, + + Very respectfully, + + GEO. W. PECK, +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> A CARD FROM THE AUTHOR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_TOC"> DETAILED CONTENTS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> <big><b>PECK’S BAD BOY.</b></big> </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + </td> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023_a"> CHAPTER XXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a> + </p> + </td> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER XXXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER XXXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER XXXIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER XXXV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER XXXVI. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + List of Illustrations + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Cover </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Frontispiece </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Titlepage </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkcan-can"> They Danced the Can-Can </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Air Was Filled With Dog, and Pa, And + Rockets </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0005"> Stoper, Says Pa, I’ve Got a Whale </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0006"> Ma Appears on the Scene </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0007"> Pa on the Run </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0008"> The Bad Boy and his Girl </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0009"> Helen Damnation </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0010"> The Gun Just Rared up </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0011"> Then Everything Was Ready </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0012"> Hell’s-fire, What You Boys Doin </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0013"> In the Wrong Room </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0014"> A New Way to Take Seidlitz Powders </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0015"> Too Late, Pa, I Die at the Hand of an + Assassin </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0016"> Just As I Am </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0017"> Special Providences for a Bad Boy </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0018"> Pa Grabbed Her by the Polonaise </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0019"> Happy New Year Mum </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0020"> Pa’s Fire Escape </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_TOC" id="link2H_TOC"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + <big><b>DETAILED CONTENTS:</b></big> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER I. <br /> THE BOY WITH A LAME BACK—THE BOY COULDN’T SIT + DOWN—A PRACTICAL JOKE ON <br /> THE OLD MAN—A LETTER FROM + “DAISY “—GUARDING THE FOUR CORNERS—THE OLD <br /> MAN IS + UNUSUALLY GENEROUS—MA ASKS AWKWARD QUESTIONS—THE BOY TALKED + TO <br /> WITH A BED SLAT—NO ENCOURAGEMENT FOR A BOY <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER II. <br /> THE BOY AT WORK AGAIN—THE BEST BOYS FULL OF + TRICKS—THE OLD MAN <br /> LAYS DOWN THE LAW ABOUT JOKES—RUBBER + HOSE MACARONI—THE OLD MAS’s <br /> STRUGGLES—CHEWING + VIGOROUSLY BUT IN VAIN—AN INQUEST HELD—REVELRY BY <br /> + NIGHT—MUSIC IN THE WOODSHED—“‘twas ever thus.” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER III. <br /> THE BAD BOY GIVES HIS PA AWAY—PA IS A HARD + CITIZEN—DRINKING <br /> SOZODONT—MAKING UP THE SPARE BED—THE + MIDNIGHT WAR DANCE—AN <br /> APPOINTMENT BY THE COAL-BIN. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER IV. <br /> THE BAD BOY’S FOURTH OF JULY.—PA IS A POINTER, + NOT A SETTER—SPECIAL <br /> ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FOURTH OF JULY—A + GRAND SUPPLY OF FIREWORKS—THE <br /> EXPLOSION—THE AIR FULL + OF PA AND DOG AND ROCKETS—THE NEW HELL—A SCENE <br /> THAT + BEGGARS DESCRIPTION. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER V. <br /> THE BAD BOY’S MA COMES HOME.—DEVILTRY, ONLY A + LITTLE FUN—THE BAD <br /> BOY’S CHUM—A LADY’S WARDROBE IN THE + OLD MAN’S ROOM—MA’s UNEXPECTED <br /> ARRIVAL—WHERE IS THE + HUZZY?—DAMFINO!—THE BAD BOY WANTS TO TRAVEL WITH <br /> A + CIRCUS <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VI. <br /> HIS PA IS A DARN COWARD—HIS PA HAS BEEN A MAJOR—HOW + HE WOULD DEAL WITH <br /> BURGLARS—HIS BRAVERY PUT TO THE TEST—THE + ICE REVOLVER—HIS PA BEGINS <br /> TO PRAY—TELLS WHERE THE + CHANGE IS—“PLEASE MR. BURGLAR SPARE A POOR <br /> MAN’S LIFE!”—MA + WAKES UP—THE BAD BOY AND HIS CHUM RUN—FISH-POLE <br /> SAUCE—MA + WOULD MAKE A GOOD CHIEF OF POLICE <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VII. <br /> HIS PA GETS A BITE.—“HIS PA GETS TOO MUCH + WATER”—THE DOCTOR’S <br /> DISAGREE—HOW TO SPOIL BOYS—HIS + PA GOES TO PEWAUKEE IN SEARCH OF HIS <br /> SON—ANXIOUS TO FISH—“STOPER, + I’VE GOT A WHALE!”—OVERBOARD—HIS PA IS <br /> SAVED—A + DOLLAR FOR HIS PANTS. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VIII. <br /> HE IS TOO HEALTHY—AN EMPTY CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE + AND A BLACK EYE—HE IS <br /> ARRESTED—OCONOMOWOC FOR HEALTH—HIS + PA. IS AN OLD MASHER—DANCED TILL <br /> THE COWS CAME HOME—THE + GIRL FROM THE SUNNY SOUTH—THE BAD BOY IS SENT <br /> HOME <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER IX. <br /> HIS PA HAS GOT ’EM AGAIN.—HIS PA IS DRINKING + HARD—HE HAS BECOME A <br /> TERROR—A JUMPING DOG——THE + OLD MAN IS SHAMEFULLY ASSAULTED—“THIS IS <br /> A HELLISH CLIMATE + MY BOY!”—HIS PA SWEARS OFF—HIS MA STILL SNEEZING AT <br /> + LAKE SUPERIOR <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER X. <br /> HIS PA HAS GOT RELIGION—THE BAD BOY GOES TO + SUNDAY SCHOOL—PROMISES <br /> REFORMATION—THE OLD MAN ON + TRIAL FOR SIX MONTHS—WHAT MA THINKS—ANTS <br /> IN PA’S + LIVER-PAD—THE OLD MAN IN CHURCH—RELIGION IS ONE THING, ANTS + <br /> ANOTHER <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XI. <br /> HIS PA TAKES A TRICK—JAMAICA RUM AND CARDS—THE + BAD BOY POSSESSED OF <br /> A DEVIL—THE KIND DEACON—AT + PRAYER-MEETING—THE OLD MAN TELLS HIS <br /> EXPERIENCE—THE + FLYING CARDS—THE PRAYER-MEETING SUDDENLY CLOSED <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XII. <br /> HIS PA GETS PULLED—THE OLD MAN STUDIES THE + BIBLE—DANIEL IN THE LIONS’ <br /> DEN—THE MULE AND THE MULE’S + FATHER—MURDER IN THE THIRD WARD—THE OLD <br /> MAN ARRESTED—THE + OLD MAN FANS THE DUST OUT OF HIS SON’S PANTS <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIII. <br /> HIS PA GOES TO THE EXPOSITION—THE BAD BOY ACTS + AS GUIDE—THE CIRCUS <br /> STORY—THE OLD MAN WANTS TO SIT + DOWN—TRIES TO EAT PANCAKES—DRINKS SOME <br /> MINERAL WATER—THE + OLD MAN FALLS IN LOVE WITH A WAX WOMAN—A POLICEMAN <br /> + INTERFERES—THE LIGHTS GO OUT—THE GROCERY MAN DON’T WANT A + CLERK <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIV. <br /> HIS PA CATCHES ON—TWO DAYS AND NIGHTS IN THE + BATHROOM—RELIGION CAKES <br /> THE OLD MAN’S BREAST—THE BAD + BOY’S CHUM DRESSED UP AS A GIRL—THE OLD <br /> MAN DELUDED—THE + COUPLE START FOR THE COURT HOUSE PARK—HIS MA APPEARS <br /> ON THE + SCENE—“IF YOU LOVE ME, KISS ME?”—MA TO THE RESCUE—“I + AM DEAD <br /> AM I?”—HIS PA THROWS A CHAIR THROUGH THE TRANSOM + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XV. <br /> HIS PA AT THE RE-UNION—THE OLD MAN IN MILITARY + SPLENDOR—TELLS HOW HE <br /> MOWED DOWN THE REBELS—“I AND + GRANT”—WHAT IS A SUTLER.—TEN DOLLARS FOR <br /> PICKLES!—“LET + US HANG HIM!”—THE OLD MAN ON THE RUN—HE STANDS UP TO <br /> + SUPPER—THE BAD BOY IS TO DIE AT SUNSET <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVI. <br /> THE BAD BOY IN LOVE—ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN?—NO + GETTING TO HEAVEN ON SMALL <br /> POTATOES—THE BAD BOY HAS TO CHEW + COBS—MA SAYS IT’S GOOD FOR A BOY <br /> TO BE IN LOVE—LOVE + WEAKENS THE BAD BOY—HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO GET <br /> MARRIED?—MAD + DOG—NEVER EAT ICE CREAM <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVII. <br /> HIS PA FIGHTS HORNETS—THE OLD MAN LOOKS BAD—THE + WOODS OF <br /> WAUWATOSA—THE OLD MAN TAKES A NAP—“HELEN + DAMNATION!”—“HELL IS OUT <br /> FOR NOON.”—THE LIVER MEDICINE—ITS + WONDERFUL EFFECTS—THE BAD BOY <br /> IS DRUNK—GIVE ME A + LEMON!—A SIGHT OF THE COMET!—THE HIRED GIRL’S <br /> RELIGION + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVIII. <br /> HIS PA GOES HUNTING—MUTILATED JAW—THE + OLD MAN HAS TAKEN TO SWEARING <br /> AGAIN—OUT WEST, DUCK SHOOTING—-HIS + COAT TAIL SHOT OFF—SHOOTS AT A <br /> WILD GOOSE—THE GUN + KICKS!—THROWS A CHAIR AT HIS SON—THE ASTONISHED <br /> + SHE-DEACON <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIX. <br /> HIS PA IS “NISHIATED”—ARE YOU A MASON?—NO + HARM TO PLAY AT LODGE—WHY <br /> GOATS ARE KEPT IN STABLES—THE + BAD BOY GETS THE GOAT UPSTAIRS—THE GRAND <br /> DUMPER DEGREE—KYAN + PEPPER ON THE GOAT’S BEARD—“BRING FORTH THE ROYAL <br /> BUMPER”—THE + GOAT ON THE RAMPAGE <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XX. <br /> HIS GIRL GOES BACK ON HIM. THE GROCERY MAN IS AFRAID—BUT + THE BAD BOY IS <br /> A WRECK—“MY GIRL, HAS SHOOK ME!”—THE + BAD BOY’S HEART IS BROKEN—STILL <br /> HE ENJOYS A BIT OF FUN—COD + LIVER OIL ON THE PANCAKES—THE HIRED GIRLS <br /> MADE VICTIMS—THE + BAD BOY VOWS VENGEANCE ON HIS GIRL AND THE TELEGRAPH <br /> MESSENGER + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023_a"> CHAPTER XXI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXI. <br /> HE AND HIS PA IN CHICAGO—NOTHING LIKE TRAVELING + TO GIVE TONE—LAUGHING <br /> IN THE WRONG PLACE—A DIABOLICAL + PLOT—-HIS PA ARRESTED AS A <br /> KIDNAPPER—-THE NUMBERS ON + THE DOORS CHANGED—THE WRONG ROOM—“NOTHIN’ <br /> THE MAZZER + WITH ME, PET!”—THE TELL-TALE HAT <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXII. <br /> HIS PA IS DISCOURAGED—“I AIN’T NO JONER!”—THE + STORY OF THE ANCIENT <br /> PROPHET—THE SUNDAY SCHOOL FOLKS GO BACK + ON THE BAD BOY:—CAGED <br /> CATS—A COMMITTEE MEETING—A + REMARKABLE CATASTROPHE!—“THAT BOY BEATS <br /> HELL!”—BASTING + THE BAD BOY—THE HOT WATER IN THE SPONGE TRICK <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXIII. <br /> HE BECOMES A DRUGGIST—“I HAVE GONE INTO + BUSINESS!”—-A NEW <br /> ROSE-GERANIUM PERFUME—-THE BAD BOY + IN A DRUGGIST’S STORE—PRACTICING <br /> ON HIS PA—THE + EXPLOSION—THE SEIDLETZ POWDER—HIS PA’S FREQUENT <br /> PAINS—POUNDING + INDIA-RUBBER—CURING A WART <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXIV. HE QUITS THE DRUG BUSINESS. <br /> HE HAS DISSOLVED WITH + THE DRUGGER—THE OLD LADY AND THE GIN—THE BAD BOY <br /> + IGNOMINIOUSLY FIRED—HOW HE DOSED HIS PA’S BRANDY—THE BAD BOY + AS “HAWTY <br /> AS A DOOK!”—HE GETS EVEN WITH HIS GIRL—-THE + BAD BOY WANTS A QUIET <br /> PLACE—THE OLD MAN THREATENS THE PARSON + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXV. <br /> HIS PA KILLS HIM—A GENIUS AT WHISTLING—A + FUR-LINED CLOAK A CURE CURE <br /> FOR CONSUMPTION—ANOTHER LETTER + SENT TO THE OLD MAN—HE RESOLVES ON <br /> IMMEDIATE PUNISHMENT—THE + BLADDER-BUFFER—THE EXPLOSION—A TRAGIC <br /> SCENE—HIS + PA VOWS TO REFORM <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXVI. <br /> HIS PA MORTIFIED—SEARCHING FOR SEWER GAS—THE + POWERFUL ODOR OF <br /> LIMBURGER CHEESE AT CHURCH—THE AFTER + MEETING—FUMIGATING THE HOUSE—THE <br /> BAD BOY RESOLVES TO + BOARD AT AN HOTEL. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXVII. <br /> HIS PA BROKE UP—THE BAD BOY DON’T THINK THE + GROCER FIT FOR HEAVEN—HE <br /> IS VERY SEVERE ON HIS OLD FRIEND—THE + NEED OF A NEW REVISED EDITION—THE <br /> BAD BOY TURNS REVISER—HIS + PA REACHES FOR THE POKER—A SPECIAL <br /> PROVIDENCE—THE SLED + SLEWED!—HIS PA UNDER THE MULES <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXVIII. <br /> HIS PA GOES SKATING—THE BAD BOY CARVES A + TURKEY—HIS PA’S FAME AS A <br /> SKATER—THE OLD MAN ESSAYS TO + SKATE ON ROLLERS—HIS WILD CAPERS—HE <br /> SPREADS HIMSELF—-HOLIDAYS + A CONDEMNED NUISANCER—THE BAD BOY’S <br /> CHRISTMAS PRESENTS <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXIX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXIX. <br /> HIS PA GOES CALLING—HIS PA STARTS FORTH—A + PICTURE OF THE OLD <br /> MAN “FULL”—POLITENESS AT A WINTER PICNIC—ASSAULTED + BY <br /> SANDBAGGERS—RESOLVED TO DRINK NO MORE COFFEE—A GIRL + FULL OF “AIG NOGG” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXX. <br /> HIS PA DISSECTED—THE MISERIES OF THE MUMPS—NO + PICKLES, THANK <br /> YOU—ONE MORE EFFORT To REFORM THE OLD MAN—THE + BAD BOY PLAYS MEDICAL <br /> STUDENT—PROCEEDS TO DISSECT HIS PA—“GENTLEMEN, + I AM NOT DEAD!”—SAVED <br /> FROM THE SCALPEL—“NO MORE WHISKY + FOR YOU.” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXXI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXXI. <br /> HIS PA JOINS A TEMPERANCE SOCIETY—THE GROCERY + MAN SYMPATHISES WITH THE <br /> OLD MAN—WARNS THE BAD BOY THAT HE + MAY HAVE A STEP-FATHER!—THE BAD <br /> BOY SCORNS THE IDEA—INTRODUCES + HIS PA TO THE GRAND “WORTHY DUKE!”—THE <br /> SOLEMN OATH—THE + BRAND PLUCKED FROM THE BURNING <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER XXXII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXXII. <br /> HIS PA’S MARVELOUS ESCAPE—THE GROCERY MAN HAS + NO VASELINE—THE OLD <br /> MAN PROVIDES THREE FIRE ESCAPES—ONE + OF THE ESCAPES TESTED—HIS PA <br /> SCANDALIZES THE CHURCH—“SHE’S + A DARLING!”—WORLDLY MUSIC IN THE COURTS <br /> OF ZION <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER XXXIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXXIII. <br /> HIS PA JOKES HIM—THE BAD BOY CAUGHT AT LAST—HOW + TO GROW A <br /> MOUSTACHE—TAR AND CAYENNE PEPPER—THE GROCERY + MAN’S FATE IS <br /> SEALED—FATHER AND SON JOIN IN A PRACTICAL JOKE—SOFT + SOAP ON THE <br /> STEPS—DOWNFALL OF MINISTERS AND DEACONS—“MA + TO THE RESCUE!”—THE BAD <br /> BOY GETS EVEN WITH HIS PA <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER XXXIV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXXIV. <br /> HIS PA GETS MAD—A ROOM IN COURT-PLASTER—THE + BAD BOY DECLINES BEING <br /> MAULED!—THE OLD MAN GETS A HOT BOX—THE + BAD BOY BORROWS A CAT!—THE <br /> BATTLE!—“HELEN BLAZES!”—THE + CAT VICTORIOUS!—THE BAD BOY DRAWS THE <br /> LINE AT KINDLING WOOD! + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER XXXV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXXV. <br /> HIS PA AN INVENTOR—THE BAD BOY A MARTYR—THE + DOG-COLLAR IN <br /> THE SAUSAGE—A PATENT STOVE—THE PATENT + TESTED!—HIS PA A BURNT <br /> OFFERING—EARLY BREAKFAST! <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER XXXVI. </a> + </p> + <p> + HIS PA GETS BOXED—PARROT FOR SALE—THE OLD MAN IS DOWN ON THE + <br /> GROCER—“A CONTRITE HEART BEATS A BOB-TAILED FLUSH!”—POLLY’S + <br /> RESPONSES—CAN A PARROT GO TO HELL?—THE OLD MAN GETS + ANOTHER BLACK <br /> EYE—DUFFY HITS FOR KEEPS!—NOTHING LIKE + AN OYSTER FOR A BLACK EYE <br /> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <h1> + PECK’S BAD BOY. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BOY WITH A LAME BACK—THE BOY COULDN’T SIT DOWN—A + PRACTICAL JOKE ON THE OLD MAN—A LETTER FROM “DAISY”— + GUARDING THE FOUR CORNERS—THE OLD MAN IS UNUSUALLY + GENEROUS—MA ASKS AWKWARD QUESTIONS—THE BOY TALKED TO WITH + A BED-SLAT—NO ENCOURAGEMENT FOR A BOY! +</pre> + <p> + A young fellow who is pretty smart on general principles, and who is + always in good humor, went into a store the other morning limping and + seemed to be broke up generally. The proprietor asked him if he wouldn’t + sit down, and he said he couldn’t very well, as his back was lame. He + seemed discouraged, and the proprietor asked him what was the matter. + “Well,” says he, as he put his hand on his pistol pocket and groaned, + “There is no encouragement for a boy to have any fun nowadays. If a boy + tries to play an innocent joke he gets kicked all over the house.” The + store keeper asked him what had happened to disturb his hilarity. He said + he had played a joke on his father and had been limping ever since. + </p> + <p> + “You see, I thought the old man was a little spry. You know he is no + spring chicken yourself; and though his eyes are not what they used to be, + yet he can see a pretty girl further than I can. The other day I wrote a + note in a fine hand and addressed it to him, asking him to meet me on the + corner of Wisconsin and Milwaukee streets, at 7:30 on Saturday evening, + and signed the name of ’Daisy’ to it. At supper time Pa he was all shaved + up and had his hair plastered over the bald spot, and he got on some clean + cuffs, and said he was going to the Consistory to initiate some candidates + from the country, and he might not be in till late. He didn’t eat much + supper, and hurried off with my umbrella. I winked at Ma but didn’t say + anything. At 7:30 I went down town and he was standing there by the + post-office corner, in a dark place. I went by him and said, “Hello, Pa, + what are you doing there?” He said he was waiting for a man. I went down + street and pretty soon I went up on the other corner by Chapman’s and he + was standing there. You see, he didn’t know what corner “Daisy” was going + to be on, and had to cover all four corners. I saluted him and asked him + if he hadn’t found his man yet, and he said no, the man was a little late. + It is a mean boy that won’t speak to his Pa when he sees him standing on a + corner, I went up street and I saw Pa cross over by the drug store in a + sort of a hurry, and I could see a girl going by with a water-proof on, + but she skited right along and Pa looked kind of solemn, the way he does + when I ask him for new clothes. I turned and came back and he was standing + there in the doorway, and I said, “Pa you will catch cold if you stand + around waiting for a man. You go down to the Consistory and let me lay for + the man.” Pa said, “never you mind, you go about your business and I will + attend to the man.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, when a boy’s Pa tells him to never you mind, and looks spunky, my + experience is that a boy wants to go right away from there, and I went + down street. I thought I would cross over and go up the other side, and + see how long he would stay. There was a girl or two going up ahead of me, + and I see a man hurrying across from the drug store to Van Pelt’s corner. + It was Pa, and as the girls went along and never looked around Pa looked + mad and stepped into the doorway. It was about eight o’clock then, and Pa + was tired, and I felt sorry for him and I went up to him and asked him for + half a dollar to go to the Academy. I never knew him to shell out so + freely and so quick. He gave me a dollar, and I told him I would go and + get it changed and bring him back the half a dollar, but he said I needn’t + mind the change. It is awful mean of a boy that has always been treated + well to play it on his Pa that way, and I felt ashamed. As I turned the + corner and saw him standing there shivering, waiting for the man, my + conscience troubled me, and I told a policeman to go and tell Pa that + “Daisy” had been suddenly taken with worms, and would not be there that + evening. I peeked around the corner and Pa and the policeman went off to + get a drink. I was glad they did cause Pa needed it, after standing around + so long. Well, when I went home the joke was so good I told Ma about it, + and she was mad. I guess she was mad at me for treating Pa that way. I + heard Pa come home about eleven o’clock, and Ma was real kind to him. She + told him to warm his feet, cause they were just like chunks of ice. Then + she asked him how many they initiated in the Consistory, and he said six, + and then she asked him if they initiated “Daisy” in the Consistory, and + pretty soon I heard Pa snoring. In the morning he took me into the + basement, and gave me the hardest talking to that I over had, with a bed + slat. He said he knew that I wrote, that note all the time, and he thought + he would pretend that he was looking for “Daisy,” just to fool me. It + don’t look reasonable that a man would catch epizootic and rheumatism just + to fool his boy, does it? What did he give me the dollar for? Ma and Pa + don’t seem to call each other pet any more, and as for me, they both look + at me as though I was a hard citizen. I am going to Missouri to take Jesse + James’s place. There is no encouragement for a boy here. Well, good + morning. If Pa comes in here asking for me tell him that you saw an + express wagon going to the morgue with the remains of a pretty boy who + acted as though he died from concussion of a bed slat on Peck’s bad boy on + the pistol pocket. That will make Pa feel sorry. O, he has got the + awfulest cold, though.” And the boy limped out to separate a couple of + dogs that were fighting. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY AT WORK AGAIN—THE BEST BOYS FULL OF TRICKS—THE + OLD MAN LAYS DOWN THE LAW ABOUT JOKES—RUBBER-HOSE MACARONI— + THE OLD MAN’S STRUGGLES—CHEWING VIGOROUSLY BUT IN VAIN—AN + INQUEST HELD—REVELRY BY NIGHT—MUSIC IN THE WOODSHED— + “‘TWAS EVER THUS.” + </pre> + <p> + Of course all boys are not full of tricks, but the best of them are. That + is, those who are the readiest to play innocent jokes, and who are + continually looking for chances to make Rome howl, are the most apt to + turn out to be first-class business men. There is a boy in the Seventh + Ward who is so full of fun that sometimes it makes him ache. He is the + same boy who not long since wrote a note to his father and signed the name + “Daisy” to it, and got the old man to stand on a corner for two hours + waiting for the girl. After that scrape the old man told the boy that he + had no objection to innocent jokes, such as would not bring reproach upon + him, and as long as the boy confined himself to jokes that would simply + cause pleasant laughter, and not cause the finger of scorn to be pointed + at a parent, he would be the last one to kick. So the boy has been for + three weeks trying to think of some innocent joke to play on his father. + The old man is getting a little near sighted, and his teeth are not as + good as they used to be, but the old man will not admit it. Nothing that + anybody can say can make him own up that his eyesight is failing, or that + his teeth are poor, and he would bet a hundred dollars that he could see + as far as ever. The boy knew the failing, and made up his mind to + demonstrate to the old man that he was rapidly getting off his base.. The + old person is very fond of macaroni, and eats it about three times a week. + The other day the boy was in a drug store and noticed in a show case a lot + of small rubber hose, about the size of sticks of macaroni, such as is + used on nursing bottles, and other rubber utensils. It was white and nice, + and the boy’s mind was made up at once. He bought a yard of it, and took + it home. When the macaroni was cooked and ready to be served, he hired the + table girl to help him play it on the old man. They took a pair of shears + and cut the rubber hose in pieces about the same length as the pieces of + boiled macaroni, and put them in a saucer with a little macaroni over the + rubber pipes, and placed the dish at the old man’s plate. Well, we suppose + if ten thousand people could have had reserved seats and seen the old man + struggle with the India rubber macaroni, and have seen the boy’s struggle + to keep from laughing, they would have had more fun than they would at a + circus, First the old delegate attempted to cut the macaroni into small + pieces, and failing, he remarked that it was not cooked enough. The boy + said his macaroni was cooked too tender, and that his father’s teeth were + so poor that he would have to eat soup entirely pretty soon. The old man + said, “Never you mind my teeth, young man,” and decided that he would not + complain of anything again. He took up a couple of pieces of rubber and + one piece of macaroni on a fork and put them in his mouth. The macaroni + dissolved easy enough, and went down perfectly easy, but the flat macaroni + was too much for him. He chewed on it for a minute or two, and talked + about the weather in order that none of the family should see that he was + in trouble, and when he found the macaroni would not down, he called their + attention to something out of the window and took the rubber slyly from + his mouth, and laid it under the edge of his plate. He was more than half + convinced that his teeth were played out, but went on eating something + else for a while, and finally he thought he would just chance the macaroni + once more for luck, and he mowed away another fork full in his mouth. It + was the same old story. He chewed like a seminary girl chewing gum, and + his eyes stuck out and his face became red, and his wife looked at him as + though afraid he was going to die of apoplexy, and finally the servant + girl burst out laughing, and went out of the room with her apron stuffed + in her mouth, and the boy felt as though it was unhealthy to tarry too + long at the table and he went out. + </p> + <p> + Left alone with his wife the old man took the rubber macaroni from his + mouth and laid it on his plate, and he and his wife held an inquest over + it. The wife tried to spear it with a fork, but couldn’t make any + impression on it, and then she see it was rubber hose, and told the old + man. He was mad and glad, at the same time; glad because he had found that + his teeth where not to blame, and mad because the grocer had sold him + boarding house macaroni. Then the girl came in and was put on the + confessional, and told all, and presently there was a sound of revelry by + night, in the wood shed, and the still, small voice was saying, “O, Pa, + don’t! you said you didn’t care for innocent jokes. Oh!” And then the old + man, between the strokes of the piece of clap-board would say, “Feed your + father a hose cart next, won’t ye. Be firing car springs and clothes + wringers down me next, eh? Put some gravy on a rubber overcoat, probably, + and serve it to me for salad. Try a piece of overshoe, with a bone in it, + for my beefsteak, likely. Give your poor old father a slice of rubber bib + in place of tripe to-morrow, I expect. Boil me a rubber water bag for + apple dumplings, pretty soon, if I don’t look out. There! You go and split + the kindling wood.” ’Twas ever thus. A boy cant have any fun now days. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY GIVES HIS PA AWAY—PA IS A HARD CITIZEN— + DRINKING SOZODONT—MAKING UP THE SPARE BED—THE MIDNIGHT + WAR-DANCE—AN APPOINTMENT BY THE COAL BIN. +</pre> + <p> + The bad boy’s mother was out of town for a week, and when she came home + she found everything topsy turvey. The beds were all mussed up, and there + was not a thing hung up anywhere. She called the bad boy and asked him + what in the deuce had been going on, and he made it pleasant for his Pa + about as follows: + </p> + <p> + “Well, Ma, I know I will get killed, but I shall die like a man. When Pa + met you at the depot he looked too innocent for any kind of use, but he’s + a hard citizen, and don’t you forget it. He hasn’t been home a single + night till after eleven o’clock, and he was tired every night, and he had + somebody come home with him.” + </p> + <p> + “O, heavens, Hennery,” said the mother, with a sigh, “are you sure about + this?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” says the bad boy, “I was on to the whole racket. The first night + they came home awful tickled, and I guess they drank some of your + Sozodont, cause they seemed to foam at the mouth. Pa wanted to put his + friend in the spare bed, but there were no sheets on it, and he went to + rumaging around in the drawers for sheets. He got out all the towels and + table-cloths, and, made up the bed with table-cloths, the first night, and + in the morning the visitor kicked because there was a big coffee stain on + the table-cloth sheet. You know that tablecloth you spilled the coffee on + last spring, when Pa scared you by having his whiskers cut off. O, they + raised thunder around the room. Pa took your night-shirt, you know the one + with the lace work all down the front, and put a pillow in it, and set it + on a chair, then took a burned match and marked eyes and nose on the + pillow, and put your bonnet on it, and then they had a war dance. Pa hurt + the bald spot on his head by hitting it against the gas chandelier, and + then he said dammit. Then they throwed pillows at each other. Pa’s friend + didn’t have any night shirt, and Pa gave his friend one of your’n, and the + friend took that old hoop-skirt in the closet, the one Pa always steps on + when he goes in the close, after a towel and hurts his bare foot, you + know, and put it on under the night shirt, and they walked around arm in + arm. O, it made me tired to see a man Pa’s age act so like a darn fool.” + </p> + <p> + “Hennery,” says the mother, with a deep meaning in her voice, “I want to + ask you one question. Did your Pa’s friend <i>wear a dress?</i>” + </p> + <p> + “O, yes,” said the bad boy, coolly, not noticing the pale face of his Ma, + “the friend put on that old blue dress of yours, with the pistol pocket in + front, you know, and pinned a red cloth on for a train, and they danced + the can-can.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkcan-can" id="linkcan-can"></a><br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img alt="p019 (122K)" src="images/p019.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Just at this point Pa came home to dinner, and the bad boy said, “Pa, I + was just telling Ma what a nice time you had that first night she went + away, with the pillows, and—” + </p> + <p> + “Hennery!” says the old gentleman severely, “you are a confounded fool.” + </p> + <p> + “Izick,” said the wife more severely, “Why did you bring a female home + with you that night. Have you got no—” + </p> + <p> + “O, Ma,” says the bad boy, “it was not a woman. It was young Mr. Brown, + Pa’s clerk at the store, you know.” + </p> + <p> + “O!” said Mas with a smile and a sigh. + </p> + <p> + “Hennery,” said his stern parent, “I want to see you there by the coal bin + for a minute or two. You are the gaul durndest fool I ever see. What you + want to learn the first thing you do is to keep your mouth shut,” and then + they went on with the frugal meal, while Hennery seemed to feel as though + something was coming. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY’S FOURTH OF JULY—PA IS A POINTER NOT A SETTER— + SPECIAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FOURTH OF JULY—A GRAND SUPPLY + OF FIRE WORKS—THE EXPLOSION—THE AIR FULL OF PA AND DOG AND + ROCKETS—THE NEW HELL—A SCENE THAT BEGGARS DESCRIPTION. +</pre> + <p> + “How long do you think it will be before your father will be able to come + down to the office?” asked the druggist of the bad boy as he was buying + some arnica and court plaster. + </p> + <p> + “O, the doc. says he could come down now if he would on some street where + there were no horses to scare,” said the boy as he bought some gum, “but + he says he aint in no hurry to come down till his hair grows out, and he + gets some new clothes made. Say, do you wet this court plaster and stick + it on?” + </p> + <p> + The druggist told him how the court plaster worked, and then asked him if + his Pa couldn’t ride down town. + </p> + <p> + “Ride down? well, I guess nix. He would have to set down if he rode down + town, and Pa is no setter this trip, he is a pointer. That’s where the + pinwheel struck him.” + </p> + <p> + “Well how did it all happen?” asked the druggist, as he wrapped a yellow + paper over the bottle of arnica, and twisted the ends, and then helped the + boy stick the strip of court plaster on his nose. + </p> + <p> + “Nobody knows how it happened but Pa, and when I come near to ask him + about it he feels around his night shirt where his pistol pocket would be + if it was pants he had on, and tells me to leave his sight forever, and I + leave too, quick. You see he is afraid I will get hurt every 4th of July, + and he told me if I wouldn’t fire a fire-cracker all day he would let me + get four dollars’ worth of nice fire-works and he would fire them off for + me in the evening in the back yard. I promised, and he gave me the money + and I bought a dandy lot of fire-works, and don’t you forget it. I had a + lot of rockets and Roman candles, and six pin-wheels, and a lot of nigger + chasers, and some of these cannon fire-crackers, and torpedoes, and a box + of parlor matches. I took them home and put the package in our big stuffed + chair and put a newspaper over them. + </p> + <p> + “Pa always takes a nap in that stuffed chair after dinner, and he went + into the sitting room and I heard him driving our poodle dog out of the + chair, and heard him ask the dog what he was a-chewing, and just then the + explosion took place, and we all rushed in there, I tell you what I + honestly think. I think that dog was chewing that box of parlor matches. + This kind that pop so when you step on them. Pa was just going to set down + when the whole air was filled with dog, and Pa, and rockets, and + everything.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p023.jpg" + alt="Air Was Filled With Dog, and Pa, And Rockets P023 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “When I got in there Pa had a sofa pillow trying to put the dog out, and + in the meantime Pa’s linen pants were afire. I grabbed a pail of this + indigo water that they had been rinsing clothes with and throwed it on Pa, + or there wouldn’t have been a place on him biggern a sixpence that wasn’t + burnt, and then he threw a camp chair at me and told me to go to Gehenna. + Ma says that’s the new hell they have got up in the revised edition of the + Bible for bad boys. When Pa’s pants were out his coat-tail blazed up and a + Roman candle was firing blue and red balls at his legs, and a rocket got + into his white vest. The scene beggared description, like the Racine fire. + A nigger chaser got after Ma and treed her on top of the sofa, and another + one took after a girl that Ma invited to dinner, and burnt one of her + stockings so she had to wear one of Ma’s stockings, a good deal too big + for her, home. After things got a little quiet, and we opened the doors + and windows to let out the smoke and the smell of burnt dog hair, and Pa’s + whiskers, the big fire crackers began to go off, and a policeman came to + the door and asked what was the matter, and Pa told him to go along with + me to Gehenna, but I don’t want to go with a policeman. It would give me + dead away. Well, there was nobody hurt much but the dog and Pa. I felt + awful sorry for the dog. He hasn’t got hair enough to cover hisself. Pa, + didn’t have much hair anyway, except by the ears, but he thought a good + deal of his whiskers, cause they wasn’t very gray. Say, couldn’t you send + this anarchy up to the house? If I go up there Pa will say I am the damest + fool on record. This is the last 4th of July you catch me celebrating. I + am going to work in a glue factory, where nobody will ever come to see + me.” + </p> + <p> + And the boy went out to pick up some squib firecrackers, that had failed + to explode, in front of the drug store. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY’S MA COMES HOME—NO DEVILTRY ONLY A LITTLE FUN— + THE BAD BOY’S CHUM—A LADY’S WARDROBE IN THE OLD MAN’S ROOM— + MA’S UNEXPECTED ARRIVAL—WHERE IS THE HUZZY?—DAMFINO!—THE + BAD BOY WANTS TO TRAVEL WITH A CIRCUS. +</pre> + <p> + “When is your ma coming back?” asked the grocery man, of the bad boy, as + he found him standing on the sidewalk when the grocery was opened in the + morning, taking some pieces of brick out of his coat tail pockets. + </p> + <p> + “O she got back at midnight, last night,” said the boy, as he eat a few + blue berries out of a case. “That’s what makes me up so early, Pa has been + kicking at these pieces of brick with his bare feet, and when I came away + he had his toes in his hand and was trying to go back up stairs on one + foot. Pa haint got no sense.” + </p> + <p> + “I am afraid you are a terror,” said the grocery man, as he looked at the + innocent face of the boy, “You are always making your parents some + trouble, and it is a wonder to me they don’t send you to some reform + school. What deviltry were you up to last night to get kicked this + morning?” + </p> + <p> + “No deviltry, just a little fun. You see, Ma went to Chicago to stay a + week, and she got tired, and telegraphed she would be home last night, and + Pa was down town and I forgot to give him the dispatch, and after he went + to bed, me and a chum of mine thought wo would have a 4th of July. + </p> + <p> + “You see, my chum has got a sister about as big as Ma, and we hooked some + of her clothes and after P got to snoring we put them in Pa’s room. O, + you’d a laffed. We put a pair of number one slippers with blue stockings, + down in front of the rocking chair, beside Pa’s boots, and a red corset on + a chair, and my chum’s sister’s best black silk dress on another chair, + and a hat with a white feather on, on the bureau, and some frizzes on the + gas bracket, and everything we could find that belonged to a girl in my + mum’s sister’s room. O, we got a red parasol too, and left it right in the + middle of the floor. Well, when I looked at the lay-out, and heard Pa + snoring, I thought I should die. You see, Ma knows Pa is, a darn good + feller, but she is easily excited. My chum slept with me that night, and + when we heard the door bell ring I stuffed a pillow in my mouth, There was + nobody to meet Ma at the depot, and she hired a hack and came right up. + Nobody heard the bell but me, and I had to go down and let Ma in. She was + pretty hot, now you bet, at not being met at the depot. “Where’s your + father?” said she, as she began to go up stairs. + </p> + <p> + “I told her I guessed Pa had gone to sleep by this time, but I heard a + good deal of noise in the room about an hour ago, and may be he was taking + a bath. Then I slipped up stairs and looked over the banisters. Ma said + something about heavens and earth, and where is the huzzy, and a lot of + things I couldn’t hear, and Pa said damfino and its no such thing, and the + door slammed and they talked for two hours. I s’pose they finally layed it + to me, as they always do, ’cause Pa called me very early this morning, and + when I came down stairs he came out in the hall and his face was redder’n + a beet, and he tried to stab me with his big toe-nail, and if it hadn’t + been for these pieces of brick he would have hurt my feelings. I see they + had my chum’s sister’s clothes all pinned up in a newspaper, and I s’pose + when I go back I shall have to carry them home, and then she will be down + on me. I’ll tell you what, I have got a good notion to take some + shoemaker’s wax and stick my chum on my back and travel with a circus as a + double headed boy from Borneo. A fellow could have more fun, and not get + kicked all the time.” + </p> + <p> + And the boy sampled some strawberries in a case in front of the store and + went down the street whistling for his chum, who was looking out of an + alley to see if the coast was clear. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA IS A DARN COWARD—HIS PA HAS BEEN A MAJOR—-HOW HE + WOULD DEAL WITH BURGLARS—HIS BRAVERY PUT TO THE TEST—THE + ICE REVOLVER—HIS PA BEGINS TO PRAY—TELLS WHERE THE CHANGE + IS—“PLEASE MR. BURGLAR SPARE A POOR MAN’S LIFE!”—MA WAKES + UP—THE BAD BOY AND HIS CHUM RUN—FISH-POLE SAUCE—MA WOULD + MAKE A GOOD CHIEF OF POLICE. +</pre> + <p> + “I suppose you think my Pa is a brave man,” said the bad boy to the + grocer, as he was trying a new can opener on a tin biscuit box in the + grocery, while the grocer was putting up some canned goods for the boy, + who said the goods where (sp.) for the folks to use at a picnic, but which + was to be taken out camping by the boy and his chum. + </p> + <p> + “O I suppose he is a brave man,” said the grocer, as he charged the goods + to the boy’s father. “Your Pa is called a major, and you know at the time + of the reunion he wore a veteran badge, and talked to the boys about how + they suffered during the war.” + </p> + <p> + “Suffered nothing,” remarked the boy with a sneer, “unless they suffered + from the peach brandy and leather pies Pa sold them. Pa was a sutler, + that’s the kind of a veteran he was, and he is a coward.” + </p> + <p> + “What makes you think your Pa is a coward?” asked the grocer, as he saw + the boy slipping some sweet crackers into his pistol pocket. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my chum and me tried him last night, and he is so sick this morning + that he can’t get up. You see, since the burglars got into Magie’s, Pa has + been telling what he would do if the burglars got into our house. He said + he would jump out of bed and knock one senseless with his fist, and throw + the other over the banister. I told my chum Pa was a coward, and we fixed + up like burglars, with masks on, and I had Pa’s long hunting boots on, and + we pulled caps down over our eyes, and looked fit to frighten a policeman. + I took Pa’s meerschaum pipe case and tied a little piece of ice over the + end the stem goes in, and after Pa and Ma was asleep we went in the room, + and I put the cold muzzle of the ice revolver to Pa’s temple, and when he + woke up I told him if he moved a muscle or said a word I would spatter the + wall and the counterpane with his brains. He closed his eyes and began to + pray. Then I stood off and told him to hold up his hands, and tell me + where the valuables was. He held up his hands, and sat up in bed, and + sweat and trembled, and told us the change was in his left hand pants + pocket, and that Ma’s money purse was in the bureau drawer in the cuff + box, and my chum went and got them, Pa shook so the bed fairly squeaked + and I told him I was a good notion to shoot a few holes in him just for + fun, and he cried and said please Mr. Burglar, take all I have got, but + spare a poor old man’s life, who never did any harm! Then I told him to + lay down on his stomach and pull the clothes over his head, and stick his + feet over the foot board, and he did it, and I took a shawl strap and was + strapping his feet together, and he was scared, I tell you. It would have + been all right if Ma hadn’t woke up. Pa trembled so Ma woke up and thought + he had the ager, and my chum turned up the light to see how much there was + in Ma’s purse, and Ma see me, and asked me what I was doing and I told her + I was a burglar, robbing the house. I don’t know whether Ma tumbled to the + racket or not, but she threw a pillow at me, and said “get out of here or + I’ll take you across my knee,” and she got up and we run. She followed us + to my room, and took Pa’s jointed fish pole and mauled us both until I + don’t want any more burgling, and my chum says he will never speak to me + again. I didn’t think Ma had so much sand. She is brave as a lion, and Pa + is a regular squaw. Pa sent for me to come to his room this morning, but I + ain’t well, and am going out to Pewaukee to camp out till the burglar + scare is over. If Pa comes around here talking about war times, and how he + faced the enemy on many a well fought field, you ask him if he ever threw + any burglars down a banister. He is a frod (sp.), Pa is, but Ma would make + a good chief of police, and don’t you let it escape you.” + </p> + <p> + And the boy took his canned ham and lobster, and tucking some crackers + inside the bosom of his blue flannel shirt, started for Pewaukee, while + the grocer looked at him as though he was a hard citizen. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GETS A BITE—HIS PA GETS TOO MUCH WATER—THE DOCTOR’S + DISAGREE—HOW TO SPOIL BOYS—HIS PA GOES TO PEWAUKEE IN + SEARCH OF HIS SON—ANXIOUS TO FISH—“STOPER I’VE GOT A + WHALE!”—OVERBOARD—HIS PA IS SAVED—GOES TO CUT A SWITCH— + A DOLLAR FOR HIS PANTS. +</pre> + <p> + “So the doctor thinks your Pa has ruptured a blood vessel, eh,” says the + street car driver to the bad boy, as the youngster was playing sweet on + him to get a free ride down town. + </p> + <p> + “Well, they don’t know. The doctor at Pewaukee said Pa had dropsy, until + he found the water that they wrung out of his pants was lake water, and + there was a doctor on the cars belonging to the Insane Asylum, when we put + Pa on the train, who said from the looks of his face, sort of red and + blue, that it was apoplexy, but a horse doctor that was down at the depot + when we put Pa in the carriage to take him home, said he was off his feed, + and had been taking too much water when he was hot, and got foundered. O, + you can’t tell anything about doctors. No two of ’em guesses alike,” + answered the boy, as he turned the brake for the driver to stop the car + for a sister of charity, and then punched the mule with a fish pole, when + the driver was looking back, to see if he couldn’t jerk her off the back + step. + </p> + <p> + “Well, how did your Pa happen to fall out of the boat? Didn’t he know the + lake was wet?” + </p> + <p> + “He had a suspicion that it was damp, when his back struck the water, I + think. I’ll tell you how it was. When my chum and I run away to Pewaukee, + Ma thought we had gone off to be piruts, and she told Pa it was a duty he + owed to society to go and get us to come back, and be good. She told him + if he would treat me as an equal, and laugh and joke with me, I wouldn’t + be so bad. She said kicking and pounding spoiled more boys than all the + Sunday schools. So Pa came out to our camp, about two miles up the lake + from Pewaukee, and he was just as good natured as though we had never had + any trouble at all. We let him stay all night with us, and gave him a + napkin with a red border to sleep on under a tree, cause there was not + blankets enough to go around, and in the morning I let him have one of the + soda crackers I had in my shirt bosom and he wanted to go fishing with us. + He said he would show us how to fish. So he got a piece of pork rind at a + farm house for bait, and put it on a hook, and we got in an old boat, and + my chum rowed and Pa and I trolled. In swinging the boat around Pa’s line + got under the boat, and come right up near me. I don’t know what possessed + me, but I took hold of Pa’s line and gave it a “yank,” and Pa jumped so + quick his hat went off in the lake.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p034.jpg" alt="Stoper, Says Pa, I’ve Got a Whale P034 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Stoper,” says Pa, “I’ve got a whale.” It’s mean in a man to call his + chubby faced little boy a whale, but the whale yanked again and Pa began + to pull him in. I hung on, and let the line out a little at a time, just + zackly like a fish, and he pulled, and sweat, and the bald spot on his + head was getting sun burnt, and the line cut my hand, so I wound it around + the oar-lock, and Pa pulled hard enough to tip the boat over. He thought + he had a forty pound musculunger, and he stood up in the boat and pulled + on that oar-lock as hard as he could. I ought not to have done it, but I + loosened the line from the oar-lock, and when it slacked up Pa went right + out over the side of the boat, and struck on his pants, and split a hole + in the water as big as a wash tub. His head went down under water, and his + boot heels hung over in the boat. “What you doin’? Diving after the fish?” + says I as Pa’s head came up and he blowed out the water. I thought Pa + belonged to the church, but he said “you damidyut.” + </p> + <p> + “I guess he was talking to the fish. Wall, sir, my chum took hold of Pa’s + foot and the collar of his coat and held him in the stern of the boat, and + I paddled the boat to the shore, and Pa crawled out and shook himself. I + never had no ijee a man’-pants could hold so much water. It was just like + when they pull the thing on a street sprinkler. Then Pa took off his pants + and my chum and me took hold of the legs and Pa took hold of the summer + kitchen, and we rung the water out. Pa want so sociable after that, and he + went back in the woods with his knife; with nothing on but a linen duster + and a neck-tie, while his pants were drying on a tree, to cut a switch, + and we hollered to him that a party of picnicers from Lake Side were + coming ashore right where his pants were, to pic-nic, and Pa he run into + the woods. He was afraid there would be some wimmen in the pic-nic that he + knowed, and he coaxed us to come in the woods where he was, and he said he + would give us a dollar a piece and not be mad any more if we would bring + him his pants. We got his pants, and you ought to see how they was + wrinkled when he put them on. They looked as though they had been ironed + with waffle irons. We went to the depot and came home on a freight train, + and Pa sneezed all the way in the caboose, and I don’t think he has + ruptured any blood vessel. Well, I get off here at Mitchell’s bank,” and + the boy turned the brake and jumped off without paying his fare. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HE IS TOO HEALTHY. AN EMPTY CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND A BLACK + EYE—HE IS ARRESTED—OCONOMOWOC FOR HEALTH—HIS PA IS AN OLD + MASHER—DANCED TILL THE COWS CAME HOME—THE GIRL PROM THE + SUNNY SOUTH—THE BAD BOY IS SENT HOME. +</pre> + <p> + “There, I knew you would get into trouble,” said the grocery man to the + bad boy, as a policeman came along leading him by the ear, the boy having + an empty champagne bottle in one hand, and a black eye. “What has he been + doing Mr. Policeman?” asked the grocery man, as the policeman halted with + the boy in front of the store. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I was going by a house up here when this kid opened the door with a + quart bottle of champagne, and he cut the wire and fired the cork at + another boy, and the champagne went all over the sidewalk, and some of it + went on me, and I knew there was something wrong, cause champagne is to + expensive to waste that way, and he said he was running the shebang and if + I would bring him here you would say he was all right. If you say so I + will let him go.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said he had better let the boy go, as his parents would + not like to have their little pet locked up. So the policeman let go his + ear, and he throwed the empty bottle at a coal wagon, and after the + policeman had brushed the champagne off his coat, and smelled of his + fingers, and started off, the grocery man turned to the boy, who was + peeling a cucumber, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Now, what kind of a circus have you been having, and what do you mean by + destroying wine that way! and where are your folks?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I’ll tell you. Ma she has got the hay fever and has gone to Lake + Superior to see if she can’t stop sneezing, and Saturday Pa said he and me + would go out to Oconomowoc and stay over Sunday, and try and recuperate + our health. Pa said it would be a good joke for me not to call him Pa, but + to act as though I was his younger brother, and we would have a real nice + time. I knowed what he wanted. He is an old masher, that’s what’s the + matter with him, and he was going to play himself for a batchelor. O, + thunder, I got on to his racket in a minute. He was introduced to some of + the girls and Saturday evening he danced till the cows come home. At home + he is awful fraid of rheumatic, and he never sweats, or sits in a draft; + but the water just poured off’n him, and he stood in the door and let a + girl fan him till I was afraid he would freeze, and just as he was telling + a girl from Tennessee, who was joking him about being a nold batch, that + he was not sure as he could always hold out a woman hater if he was to be + thrown into contact with the charming ladies of the Sunny South, I pulled + his coat and said, ’Pa how do you spose Ma’s hay fever is to-night. I’ll + bet she is just sneezing the top of her head off.” Wall, sir, you just + oughten seen that girl and Pa. Pa looked at me as if I was a total + stranger, and told the porter if that freckled faced boot-black belonged + around the house he had better be fired out of the ball-room, and the girl + said the disgustin’ thing, and just before they fired me I told Pa he had + better look out or he would sweat through his liver pad. + </p> + <p> + “I went to bed and Pa staid up till the lights were put out. He was mad + when he came to bed, but he didn’t lick me, cause the people in the next + room would hear him, but the next morning he talked to me. He said I might + go back home Sunday night, and he would stay a day or two. He sat around + on the veranda all the afternoon, talking with the girls, and when he + would see me coming along he would look cross. He took a girl out boat + riding, and when I asked him if I couldn’t go along, he said he was afraid + I would get drowned, and he said if I went home there was nothing there + too good for me, and so my chum and me got to firing bottles of champane, + and he hit me in the eye with a cork, and I drove him out doors and was + just going to shell his earth works, when the policeman collared me. Say, + what’s good for a black eye?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man told him his Pa would cure it when he got home, “What do + you think your Pa’s object was in passing himself off for a single man at + Oconomowoc,” asked the grocery man, as he charged up the cucumber to the + boy’s father. + </p> + <p> + “That’s what beats me. Aside from Ma’s hay fever she is one of the + healthiest women in this town. O, I suppose he does it for his health, the + way they all do when they go to a summer resort, but it leaves a boy an + orphan, don’t it, to have such kitteny parents.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA HAS GOT ’EM AGAIN! HIS PA IS DRINKING HARD—HE HAS + BECOME A TERROR—A JUMPING DOG—THE OLD MAN IS SHAMEFULLY + ASSAULTED—“THIS IS A HELLISH CLIMATE MY BOY!”—HIS PA + SWEARS OFF—HIS MA STILL SNEEZING AT LAKE SUPERIOR. +</pre> + <p> + ’“If the dogs in our neighborhood hold out I guess I can do something that + all the temperance societies in this town have failed to do,” says the bad + boy to the grocery man, as he cut off a piece of cheese and took a handful + of crackers out of a box. + </p> + <p> + “Well for Heaven’s sake, what have you been doing now, you little + reprobate,” asked the grocery man, as he went to the desk and charged the + boy’s father with a pound and four ounces of cheese and two pounds of + crackers. “If you was my boy and played any of your tricks on me I would + maul the everlasting life out of you. Your father is a cussed fool that he + dont send you to the reform school. The hired girl was over this morning + and says your father is sick, and I should think he would be. What you + done? Poisoned him I suppose.” + </p> + <p> + “No, I didn’t poison him; I just scared the liver out of him that’s all.” + </p> + <p> + “How was it,” asked the groceryman, as he charged up a pound of prunes to + the boy’s father. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I’ll tell you, but if you ever tell Pa I wont trade here any more. + You see, Pa belongs to all the secret societies, and when there is a grand + lodge or anything here, he drinks awfully. There was something last week, + some sort of a leather apron affair, or a sash over the shoulder, and + every night he was out till the next day, and his breath smelled all the + time like in front of a vinegar store, where they keep yeast. Ever since + Ma took her hay fever with her up to Lake Superior, Pa has been a terror, + and I thought something ought to be done. Since that variegated dog trick + was played on him he has been pretty sober till Ma went away, and I + happened to think of a dog a boy in the Third Ward has got, that will do + tricks. He will jump up and take a man’s hat off, and bring a + handkerchief, and all that. So I got the boy to come up on our street, and + Monday night, about dark, I got in the house and told the boy when Pa came + along to make the dog take his hat, and to pin a handkerchief to Pa’s coat + tail and make the dog take that, and then for him and the dog to lite out + for home. Well, you’d a dide. Pa came up the street as dignified and + important as though he had gone through bankruptcy, and tried to walk + straight, and just as he got near the door the boy pointed to Pa’s hat and + said, “Fetch it!” The dog is a big Newfoundland, but he is a jumper, and + don’t you forget it. Pa is short and thick, and when the dog struck him on + the shoulder and took his hat Pa almost fell over, and then he said get + out, and he kicked and backed up toward the step, and then turned around + and the boy pointed to the handkerchief and said, “fetch it,” and the dog + gave one bark and went for it, and got hold of it and a part of Pa’s + duster, and Pa tried to climb up the steps on his hands and feet, and the + dog pulled the other way, and it is an old last year’s duster anyway, and + the whole back breadth come out, and when I opened the door there Pa stood + with the front of his coat and the sleeves on, but the back was gone, and + I took hold of his arm, and he said, “Get out,” and was going to kick me, + thinking I was a dog, and I told him I was his own little boy, and asked + him if anything was the matter, and he said, “M (hic) atter enough. New F + (hic) lanp dog chawing me last hour’n a half. Why didn’t you come and k + (hic) ill’em?” I told Pa there was no dog at all, and he must be careful + of his health or I wouldn’t have no Pa at all. He looked at me and asked + me, as he felt for the place where the back of his linen duster was, what + had become of his coat-tail and hat if there was no dog, and I told him he + had probably caught his coat on that barbed wire fence down street, and he + said he saw the dog and a boy just as plain as could be, and for me to + help him up stairs and go for the doctor. I got him to the bed, and he + said, “this is a hellish climate my boy,” and I went for the doctor. Pa + said he wanted to be cauterised, so he wouldn’t go mad. I told the doc. + the Joke, and he said he would keep it up, and he gave Pa some powders, + and told him if he drank any more before Christmas he was a dead man. Pa + says it has learned him a lesson and they can never get any more pizen + down him, but don’t you give me away, will you, cause he would go and + complain to the police about the dog, and they would shoot it. Ma will be + back as soon as she gets through sneezing, and I will tell her, and <i>she</i> + will give me a cho-meo, cause she dont like to have Pa drink only between + meals. Well, good day. There’s a Italian got a bear that performs in the + street, and I am going to find where he is showing, and feed the bear a + cayenne pepper lozenger, and see him clean out the Pollack settlement. + Good bye.” + </p> + <p> + And the boy went to look for the bear. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA HAS GOT RELIGION—THE BAD BOY GOES TO SUNDAY SCHOOL— + PROMISES REFORMATION—THE OLD MAN ON TRIAL FOR SIX MONTHS— + WHAT MA THINKS—ANTS IN PA’S LIVER-PAD—THE OLD MAN IN + CHURCH—RELIGION IS ONE THING—ANTS ANOTHER. +</pre> + <p> + “Well, that beats the devil,” said the grocery man, as he stood in front + of his grocery and saw the bad boy coming along, on the way home from + Sunday school, with a clean shirt on, and a testament and some dime novels + under his arm. “What has got into you, and what has come over your Pa. I + see he has braced up, and looks pale and solemn. You haven’t converted him + have you?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Pa has not got religion enough to hurt yet, but he has got the + symptoms. He has joined the church on prowbation, and is trying to be good + so he can get in the church for keeps. He said it was hell living the way + he did, and he has got me to promise to go to Sunday school. He said if I + didn’t he would maul me so my skin wouldn’t hold water. You see, Ma said + Pa had got to be on trial for six months before he could get in the + church, and if he could get along without swearing and doing anything bad, + he was all right, and we must try him and see if we could cause him to + swear. She said she thought a person, when they was on a prowbation, ought + to be a martyr, and try and overcome all temptations to do evil, and if Pa + could go through six months of our home life, and not cuss the hinges off + the door, he was sure of a glorious immortality beyond the grave. She said + it wouldn’t be wrong for me to continue to play innocent jokes on Pa, and + if he took it all right he was a Christian but if he got a hot box, and + flew around mad, he was better out of church than in it. There he comes + now,” said the boy as he got behind a sign, “and he is pretty hot for a + Christian. He is looking for me. You had ought to have seen him in church + this morning. You see, I commenced the exercises at home after breakfast + by putting a piece of ice in each of Pa’s boots, and when he pulled on the + boots he yelled that his feet were all on fire, and we told him that it + was nothing but symptoms of gout, so he left the ice in his boots to melt, + and he said all the morning that he felt as though he had sweat his boots + full. But that was not the worst. You know, Pa he wears a liver-pad. Well, + on Saturday my chum and me was out on the lake shore and we found a nest + of ants, these little red ants, and I got a pop bottle half full of the + ants and took them home. I didn’t know what I would do with the ants, but + ants are always handy to have in the house. This morning, when Pa was + dressing for church, I saw his liver-pad on a chair, and noticed a hole in + it, and I thought what a good place it would be for the ants. I don’t know + what possessed me, but I took the liver-pad into my room, and opened the + bottle, and put the hole over the mouth of the bottle and I guess the ants + thought there was something to eat in the liver-pad, cause they all went + into it, and they crawled around in the bran and condition powders inside + of it, and I took it back to Pa, and he put it on under his shirt, and + dressed himself, and we went to church. Pa squirmed a little when the + minister was praying, and I guess some of the ants had come out to view + the landscape o’er. When we got up to sing the hymn Pa kept kicking, as + though he was nervous, and he felt down his neck and looked sort of wild, + this way he did when he had the jim-jams. When we sat down Pa couldn’t + keep still, and I like to dide when I saw some of the ants come out of his + shirt bosom and go racing around his white vest. Pa tried to look pious, + and resigned, but he couldn’t keep his legs still, and he sweat mor’n a + pail full. When the minister preached about “the worm that never dieth,” + Pa reached into his vest and scratched his ribs, and he looked as though + he would give ten dollars if the minister would get through. Ma she looked + at Pa as though she would bite his head off, but Pa he just squirmed, and + acted as though his soul was on fire. Say, does ants bite, or just crawl + around? Well, when the minister said amen, and prayed the second round, + and then said a brother who was a missionary to the heathen would like to + make a few remarks about the work of the missionaries in Bengal, and take + up a collection, Pa told Ma they would have to excuse <i>him</i>, and he + lit out for home, slapping himself on the legs and on the arms and on the + back, and he acted crazy. Ma and me went home, after the heathen got + through, and found Pa in his bed room, with part of his clothes off, and + the liver-pad was on the floor, and Pa was stamping on it with his boots, + and talking offul. + </p> + <p> + “What is the matter,” says Ma.. “Don’t your religion agree with you?” + </p> + <p> + “Religion be dashed,” says Pa, as he kicked the liver pad. “I would give + ten dollars to know how a pint of red ants got into my liver pad. Religon + is one thing, and a million ants walking all over a man, playing tag, is + another. I didn’t know the liver pad was loaded. How in Gehenna did they + get in there?” and Pa scowled at Ma as though he would kill her. + </p> + <p> + “‘Don’t swear dear,” says Ma, as she threw down her hymn book, and took + off her bonnet. “You should be patient. Remember Job was patient, and he + was afflicted with sore boils.” + </p> + <p> + “I don’t care,” says Pa, as he chased the ants out of his drawers, “Job + never had ants in his liver pad. If he had he would have swore the + shingles off a barn. Here you,” says Pa, speaking to me, “you head off + them ants running under the bureau. If the truth was known I believe you + would be responsible for this outrage.” And Pa looked at me kind of hard. + </p> + <p> + “O, Pa,” says I, with tears in my eyes, “Do you think your little Sunday + school boy would catch ants in a pop bottle on the lake shore, and bring + them home, and put them in the hole of your liver pad, just before you put + it on to go to church? You are to (sp.) bad.” And I shed some tears. I can + shed tears now any time I want to, but it didn’t do any good this time. Pa + knew it was me, and while he was looking for the shawl strap I went to + Sunday school, and now I guess he is after me, and I will go and take a + walk down to Bay View. + </p> + <p> + The boy moved off as his Pa turned a corner, and the grocery man said, + “Well, that boy beats all I ever saw. If he was mine I would give him + away.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA TAKES A TRICK—JAMAICA RUM AND CARDS—THE BAD BOY + POSSESSED OF A DEVIL—THE KIND DEACON—AT PRAYER MEETING— + THE OLD MAN TELLS HIS EXPERIENCE—THE FLYING CARDS—THE + PRAYER MEETING SUDDENLY CLOSED. +</pre> + <p> + “What is it I hear about your Pa being turned out of prayer meeting + Wednesday night,” asked the grocer of the bad boy, as he came over after + some cantelopes for breakfast, and plugged a couple to see if they were + ripe. + </p> + <p> + “He wasn’t turned out of prayer meeting at all. The people all went away + and Pa and me was the last ones out of the church. But Pa was mad, and + don’t you forget it.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, what seemed to be the trouble? Has your Pa become a backslider?” + </p> + <p> + “O, no, his flag is still there. But something seems to go wrong. You see, + when we got ready to go to prayer meeting last night. Pa told me to go up + stairs and get him a hankerchief, and to drop a little perfumery on it, + and put it in the tail pocket of his black coat. I did it, but I guess I + got hold of the wrong bottle of fumery. There was a label on the fumery + bottle that said ‘Jamaica Rum,’ and I thought it was the same as Bay Rum, + and I put on a whole lot. Just afore I put the hankerchief in Pa’s pocket, + I noticed a pack of cards on the stand, that Pa used to play hi lo-jack + with Ma evenings when he was so sick he couldn’t go down town, before he + got ’ligion, and I wrapped the hankercher around the pack of cards and put + them in his pocket. I don’t know what made me do it, and Pa don’t, either, + I guess, ’cause he told Ma this morning I was possessed of a devil. I + never owned no devil, but I had a pair of pet goats onct, and they played + hell all around, Pa said. That’s what the devil does, ain’t it? Well, I + must go home with these melons, or they won’t keep.” + </p> + <p> + “But hold on,” says the grocery man as he gave the boy a few rasins with + worms in, that he couldn’t sell, to keep him, “what about the prayer + meeting?” + </p> + <p> + “O, I like to forgot. Well Pa and me went to prayer meeting, and Ma came + along afterwards with a deakin that is mashed on her, I guess, ’cause he + says she is to be pitted for havin’ to go through life yoked to such an + old prize ox as Pa. I heard him tell Ma that, when he was helping her put + on her rubber waterprivilege to go home in the rain the night of the + sociable, and she looked at him just as she does at me when she wants me + to go down to the hair foundry after her switch, and said, “O, you dear + brother,” and all the way home he kept her waterprivilege on by putting + his arm on the small of her back. Ma asked Pa if he didn’t think the + deakin was real kind, and Pa said, “yez, dam kind,” but that was afore he + got ’ligion. We sat in a pew, at the prayer meeting, next to Ma and the + deakin, and there was lots of pious folks all round there. After the + preacher had gone to bat, and an old lady had her innings, a praying, and + the singers had got out on first base, Pa was on deck, and the preacher + said they would like to hear from the recent convert, who was trying to + walk in the straight and narrow way, but who found it so hard, owing to + the many crosses he had to bear. Pa knowed it was him that had to go to + bat, and he got up and said he felt it was good to be there. He said he + didn’t feel that he was a full sized Christian yet, but he was getting in + his work the best he could. He said at times everything looked dark to + him, and he feared he should falter by the wayside, but by a firm resolve + he kept his eye sot on the future, and if he was tempted to do wrong he + said get thee behind me, Satan, and stuck in his toe-nails for a pull for + the right. He said he was thankful to the brothers and sisters, + particularly the sisters, for all they had done to make his burden light, + and hoped to meet them all in—When Pa got as far as that he sort of + broke down, I spose he was going to say heaven, though after a few minutes + they all thought he wanted to meet them in a saloon. When his eyes began + to leak, Pa put his hand in his tail pocket for his handkercher, and got + hold of it, and gave it a jerk, and out came the handkercher, and the + cards. Well, if he had shuffled them, and Ma had cut them, and he had + dealt six hands, they couldn’t have been dealt any better. They flew into + everybody’s lap. The deakin that was with Ma got the jack of spades and + three aces and a deuce, and Ma got some nine spots and a king of hearts, + and Ma nearly fainted, cause she didn’t get a better hand, I spose. The + preacher got a pair of deuces, and a queen of hearts, and he looked up at + Pa as though it was a misdeal, and a old woman who sat across the aisle, + she only got two cards, but that was enough. Pa didn’t see what he done at + first, cause he had the handkerchief over his eyes, but when he smelled + the rum on it, he took it away, and then he saw everybody discarding, and + he thought he had struck a poker game, and he looked around as though he + was mad cause they didn’t deal him a hand. The minister adjourned the + prayer meeting and whispered to Pa, and everybody went out holding their + noses on account of Pa’s fumery, and when Pa came home he asked Ma what he + should do to be saved. Ma said she didn’t know. The deakin told her Pa + seemed wedded to his idols. Pa said the deakin better run his own idols, + and Pa would run his. I don’t know how it is going to turn out, but Pa + says he is going to stick to the church.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GETS PULLED. THE OLD MAN STUDIES THE BIBLE—DANIEL IN + THE LION’S DEN—THE MULE AND THE MULE’S FATHER—MURDER IN + THE THIRD WARD—THE OLD MAN ARRESTED—THE OLD MAN FANS THE + DUST OUT OF HIS SON’S PANTS. +</pre> + <p> + “What was you and your Ma down to the police station for so late last + night?” asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as he kicked a dog away from + a basket of peaches standing on the sidewalk “Your Ma seemed to be much + affected.” + </p> + <p> + “That’s a family secret. But if you will give me some of those rotton + peaches I will tell you, if you won’t ever ask Pa how he came to be pulled + by the police.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man told him to help himself out of the basket that the dog + had been smelling of, and he filled his pockets, and the bosom of his + flannel shirt, and his hat, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Well, you know Pa is studying up on the Bible, and he is trying to get me + interested, and he wants me to ask him questions, but if I ask him any + questions that he can’t answer, he gets mad. When I asked him about Daniel + in the den of lions, and if he didn’t think Dan was traveling with a show, + and had the lions chloroformed, he said I was a scoffer, and would go to + Gehenna. Now I don’t want to go to Gehenna just for wanting to get posted + in the show business of old times, do you? When Pa said Dan was saved from + the jaws of the lions because he prayed three times every day, and had + faith, I told him that was just what the duffer that goes into the lions + den in Coup’s circus did because I saw him in the dressing room, when me + and my chum got in for carrying water for the elephant, and he was + exhorting with a girl in tights who was going to ride two horses. Pa said + I was mistaken, cause they never prayed in circus, ’cept the lemonade + butchers. I guess I know when I hear a man pray. Coup’s Daniel talked just + like a deacon at class meeting, and told the girl to go to the place where + the minister says we will all go if we don’t do different. Pa says it is + wicked to speak of Daniel in the same breath that you speak of a circus, + so I am wicked I ’spose. Well, I couldn’t help it and when he wanted me to + ask him questions about Elijah going up in a chariot of fire, I asked him + if he believed a chariot like the ones in the circus, with eight horses, + could carry a man right up to the clouds, and Pa said of course it could. + Then I asked him what they did with the horses after they got up there, or + if the chariot kept running back and forth like a bust to a pic-nic, and + whether they had stalls for the horses and harness-makers to repair + harnesses, and wagon-makers, cause a chariot is liable to run off a wheel, + if it strikes a cloud in turning a corner. Pa said I made him tired. He + said I had no more conception of the beauties of scripture than a mule, + and then I told Pa he couldn’t expect a mule to know much unless the + mule’s father had brought him up right, and where a mule’s father had been + a regular old bummer till he got jim-jams, and only got religon to keep + out of the inebriate asylum, that the little mule was entitled to more + charity for his short comings than the mule’s Papa. That seemed to make Pa + mad, and he said the scripture lesson would be continued some other time, + and I might go out and play, and if I wasn’t in before nine o’clock he + would come after me and warm my jacket. Well, I was out playing, and me + and my chum heard of the murder in the Third Ward, and went down there to + see the dead and wounded, and it was after ten o’clock, and Pa was + searching for me, and I saw Pa go into an alley, in his shirt sleves and + no hat on, and the police were looking for the murderer, and I told the + policeman that there was a suspicious looking man in the alley, and the + policeman went in there and jumped on his back, and held him down, and the + patrol wagon came, and they loaded Pa in, and he gnashed his teeth, and + said they would pay dearly for this, and they held his hands and told him + not to talk, as he would commit himself, and they tore off his suspender + buttons, and I went home and told Ma the police had pulled Pa for being in + a suspicious place, and she said she had always been afraid he would come + to some bad end, and we went down to the station and the police let Pa go + on promise that he wouldn’t do so again, and we went home and Pa fanned + the dust out of my pants. But he did it in a pious manner, and I can’t + complain. He was trying to explain to Ma how it was that he was pulled, + when I came away, and I guess he will make out to square himself. Say, + don’t these peaches seem to have a darn queer taste. Well, good bye. I am + going down to the morgue to have some fun.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GOES TO THE EXPOSITION. THE BAD BOY ACTS AS GUIDE— + THE CIRCUS STORY—THE OLD MAN WANTS TO SIT DOWN—TRIES TO + EAT PANCAKES—DRINKS SOME MINERAL WATER—THE OLD MAN FALLS + IN LOVE WITH A WAX WOMAN—A POLICEMAN INTERFERES—THE LIGHTS + GO OUT—THE GROCERY-MAN DON’T WANT A CLERK. +</pre> + <p> + “Well, everything seems to be quiet over to your house this week,” says + the groceryman to the bad boy, as the youth was putting his thumb into + some peaches through the mosquito netting over the baskets, to see if they + were soft enough to steal, “I suppose you have let up on the old man, + haven’t you?” + </p> + <p> + “O, no. We keep it right up. The minister of the church that Pa has joined + says while Pa is on probation it is perfectly proper for us to do + everything to try him, and make him fall from grace. The minister says if + Pa comes out of his six months probation without falling by the wayside he + has got the elements to make the boss christian, and Ma and me are doing + all we can.” + </p> + <p> + “What was the doctor at your house for this morning?” asked the + groceryman, “Is your Ma sick?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Ma is worth two in the bush. It’s Pa that ain’t well. He is having + some trouble with his digestion. You see he went to the exposition with me + as guide, and that is enough to ruin any man’s digestion. Pa is + near-sighted, and he said he wanted me to go along and show him things. + Well, I never had so much fun since Pa fell out of the boat. First we went + in by the fountain, and Pa never had been in the exposition building + before. Last year he was in Yourip, and he was astonished at the magnitude + of everything. First I made him jump clear across the aisle there, where + the stuffed tigers are, by the fur place. I told him the keeper was just + coming along with some meat to feed the animals, and when they smelled the + meat they just clawed things. He run against a show-case, and then wanted + to go away. + </p> + <p> + “He said he traveled with a circus when he was young, and nobody knew the + dangers of fooling around wild animals better than he did. He said once he + fought with seven tigers and two Nubian lions for five hours, with Mabee’s + old show. I asked him if that was afore he got religin, and he said never + you mind. He is an old liar, even if he is converted. Ma says he never was + with a circus, and she has known him ever since he wore short dresses. + Wall, you would a dide to see Pa there by the furniture place, where they + have got beautiful beds and chairs. There was one blue chair under a glass + case, all velvet, and a sign was over it, telling people to keep their + hands off. Pa asked me what the sign was, and I told him it said ladies + and gentlemen are requested to sit in the chairs and try them. Pa climbed + over the railing and was just going to sit down on the glass show case + over the chair, when one of the walk-around fellows, with imitation police + hats, took him by the collar and yanked him back over the railing, and was + going to kick Pa’s pants. Pa was mad to have his coat collar pulled up + over his head, and have the set of his coat spoiled, and he was going to + sass the man, when I told Pa the man was a lunatic from the asylum, that + was on exhibition, and Pa wanted to go away from there. He said he didn’t + know what they wanted to exhibit lunatics for. We went up stairs to the + pancake bazar, where they broil pancakes out of self rising flour, and put + butter and sugar on them and give them away. Pa said he could eat more + pancakes than any man out of jail, and wanted me to get him some. I took a + couple of pancakes and tore out a piece of the lining of my coat and put + it between the pancakes and handed them to Pa, with a paper around the + pancakes. Pa didn’t notice the paper nor the cloth, and it would have made + you laff to see him chew on them. I told him I guessed he didn’t have as + good teeth as he used to, and he said never you mind the teeth, and he + kept on until he swallowed the whole business, and he said he guessed he + didn’t want any more. He is so sensitive about his teeth that he would eat + a leather apron if anybody told him he couldn’t. When the doctor said Pa’s + digestion was bad, I told him if he could let Pa swallow a seamstress or a + sewing machine, to sew up the cloth, he would get well, and the Doc. says + I am going to be the death of Pa some day. But I thought I should split + when Pa wanted a drink of water. I asked him if he would druther have + mineral water, and he said he guessed it would take the strongest kind of + mineral water to wash down them pancakes, so I took him to where the fire + extinguishers are, and got him to take the nozzle of the extinguisher in + his mouth, and I turned the faucet. I don’t think he got more than a quart + of the stuff out of the saleratus machine down him, but he rared right up + and said he be condamed if believed that water was ever intended to drink, + and he felt as though he should bust, and just then the man who kicks the + big organ struck up and the building shook, and I guess Pa thought he <i>had</i> + busted. The most fun was when we came along to where the wax woman is. + They have got a wax woman dressed up to kill, and she looks just as + natural as if she could breathe. She had a handkerchief in her hand, and + as we came along I told Pa there was a lady that seemed to know him. Pa is + on the mash himself, and he looked at her and smiled and said good + evening, and asked me who she was. + </p> + <p> + “I told him it looked to me like the girl that sings in the choir at our + church, and Pa said corse it is, and he went right in where she was and + said “pretty good show, isn’t it,” and put out his hand to shake hands + with her, but the woman who tends the stand came along and thought Pa was + drunk and said “old gentleman I guess you had better get out of here. This + is for ladies only.” + </p> + <p> + “Pa said he didn’t care nothing about her lady’s only, all he wanted was + to converse with an acquaintance, and then one of the policemen came along + and told Pa he had better go down to the saloon where he belonged. Pa + excused himself to the wax woman, and said he would see her later, and + told the policeman if he would come out on the sidewalk he would knock + leven kinds of stuffin out of him. The policeman told him that would be + all right, and I led Pa away. He was offul mad. But it was the best fun + when the lights went out. You see the electric light machine slipped a + cog, or lost its cud, and all of a sudden the lights went out and it was + as dark as a squaw’s pocket. Pa wanted to know what made it so dark, and I + told him it was not dark. He said boy don’t you fool me. You see I thought + it would be fun to make Pa believe he was struck blind, so I told him his + eyes must be wrong. He said do you mean to say you can see, and I told him + everything was as plain as day, and I pointed out the different things, + and explained them, and walked Pa along, and acted just as though I could + see, and Pa said it had come at last. He had felt for years as though he + would some day lose his eyesight and now it had come and he said he laid + it all to that condamned mineral water. After a little they lit some of + the gas burners, and Pa said he could see a little, and wanted to go home, + and I took him home. When we got out of the building he began to see + things, and said his eyes were coming around all right. Pa is the easiest + man to fool ever I saw.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I should think he would kill you,” said the grocery man. “Don’t he + ever catch on, and find out you have deceived him?” + </p> + <p> + “O, sometimes. But about nine times in ten I can get away with him. Say, + don’t you want to hire me for a clerk?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said that he had rather have a spotted hyena, and the boy + stole a melon and went away. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA CATCHES OK—TWO DAYS AND NIGHTS IN THE BATH ROOM— + RELIGION CAKES THE OLD MAN’S BREAST—THE BAD BOY’S CHUM— + DRESSED UP AS A GIRL—THE OLD MAN DELUDED—THE COUPLE START + FOR THE COURT HOUSE PARK—HIS MA APPEARS ON THE SCENE—“IF + YOU LOVE ME KISS ME”—MA TO THE RESCUE—“I AM DEAD AM I?” + HIS PA THROWS A CHAIR THROUGH THE TRANSOM. +</pre> + <p> + “Where have you been for a week back,” asked the grocery man of the bad + boy, as the boy pulled the tail board out of the delivery wagon + accidentally and let a couple of bushels of potatoes roll out into the + gutter. “I haven’t seen you around here, and you look pale. You haven’t + been sick, have you?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I have not been sick. Pa locked me up in the bath-room for two days + and two nights, and didn’t give me nothing to eat but bread and water. + Since he has got religious he seems to be harder than ever on me. Say, do + you think religion softens a man’s heart, or does it give him a caked + breast? I ’spect Pa will burn me at the stake next.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said that when a man had truly been converted his heart + was softened, and he was always looking for a chance to do good and be + kind to the poor, but if he only had this galvanized religion, this roll + plate piety, or whitewashed reformation, he was liable to be a harder + citizen than before. “What made your Pa lock you up in the bath-room on + bread and water?” he asked. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” says the boy, as he eat a couple of salt pickles out of a jar on + the sidewalk, “Pa is not converted enough to hurt him, and I knowed it, + and I thought it would be a good joke to try him and see if he was so + confounded good, so I got my chum to dress up in a suit of his sister’s + summer clothes. Well, you wouldn’t believe my chum would look so much like + a girl. He would fool the oldest inhabitant. You know how fat he is. He + had to sell his bicycle to a slim fellow that clerks in a store, cause he + didn’t want it any more. His neck is just as fat and there are dimples in + it, and with a dress low in the neck, and long at the trail he looks as + tall as my Ma. He busted one of his sister’s slippers getting them on, and + her stockings were a good deal too big for him, but he tucked his drawers + down in them and tied a suspender around his leg above the knee, and they + stayed on all right. Well, he looked killin’, I should prevaricate, with + his sister’s muslin dress on, starched as stiff as a shirt, and her + reception hat with a white feather as big as a Newfoundland dog’s tail. Pa + said he had got to go down town to see some of the old soldiers of his + regiment, and I loafed along behind. My chum met Pa on the corner and + asked him where the Lake Shore Park was. “She” said she was a stranger + from Chicago, that her husband had deserted her and she didn’t know but + she would jump into the lake. Pa looked in my chum’s eye and sized her up, + and said it would be a shame to commit suicide, and asked if she didn’t + want to take a walk, My chum said he should titter, and he took Pa’s arm + and they walked up to the lake and back. Well, you may talk about joining + the church on probation all you please, but they get their arm around a + girl all the same. Pa hugged my chum till he says he thought Pa would + break his sister’s corset all to pieces, and he squeezed my chum’s hand + till the ring cut right into his finger and he has to wear a piece of + court plaster on it. They started for the Court House park, as I told my + chum to do, and I went and got Ma. It was about time for the soldiers to + go to the exposition for the evening bizness, and I told Ma we could go + down and see them go by. Ma just throwed a shawl over her head and we + started down through the park. When we got near Pa and my chum I told Ma + it was a shame for so many people to be sitting around lally-gagging right + before folks, and she said it was disgustin’, and then I pointed to my + chum who had his head on Pa’s bosom, and Pa was patting my chum on the + cheek, while he held his other arm around his waist, They was on the iron + seat, and we came right up behind them and when Ma saw Pa’s bald head I + thought she would bust. She knew his head as quick as she sot eyes on it.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p066.jpg" alt="Ma Appears on the Scene P066 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “My chum asked Pa if he was married, and he said he was a widower, He said + his wife died fourteen years ago, of liver complaint. Well, Ma shook like + a leaf, and I could hear her new teeth rattle just like chewing + strawberries with sand in them. Then my chum put his arms around Pa’s neck + and said, “If you love me kiss me in the mouth.” Pa was just leaning down + to kiss my chum when Ma couldn’t stand it any longer, and she went right + around in front of them, and she grabbed my chum by the hair and it all + came off, hat and all; and my chum jumped up and Ma scratched him in the + face, and my chum tried to get his hands in his pants pocket to get his + handkerchief to wipe off the blood on his nose, and Ma she turned on Pa + and he turned pale, and then she was going for my chum again when he said, + “O let up on a feller,” and he see she was mad and he grabbed the hat and + hair off the gravel walk and took the skirt of his sister’s dress in his + hand and sifted out for home on a gallop, and Ma took Pa by the elbow and + said, “You are a nice old party, ain’t you? I am dead, am I? Died of liver + complaint fourteen years ago, did I? You will find an animated corpse on + your hands. Around kissing spry wimmen out in the night, sir.” When they + started home Pa seemed to be as weak as a cat, and couldn’t say a word, + and I asked if I could go to the exposition, and they said I could, I + don’t know what happened after they got home, but Pa was setting up for me + when I got back and he wanted to know what I brought Ma down there for, + and how I knew he was there. + </p> + <p> + “I thought it would help Pa out of the scrape and so I told him it was not + a girl he was hugging at all, but it was my chum, and he laffed at first, + and told Ma it was not a girl, but Ma said she knew a darn sight better. + She guessed she could tell a girl. + </p> + <p> + “Then Pa was mad and he said I was at the bottom of the whole bizness, and + he locked me up, and said I was enough to paralyze a saint. I told him + through the key-hole that a saint that had any sense ought to tell a boy + from a girl, and then he throwed a chair at me through the transom. The + worst of the whole thing is my chum is mad at me cause Ma scratched him, + and he says that lets him out. He don’t go into any more schemes with me. + Well, I must be going. Pa is going to have my measure taken for a raw + hide, he says, and I have got to stay at home from the sparing match and + learn my Sunday school lesson.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA AT THE REUNION. THE OLD MAN IN MILITARY SPLENDOR— + TELLS HOW HE MOWED DOWN THE REBELS—“I AND GRANT”—WHAT IS A + SUTLER?—TEN DOLLARS FOR PICKELS!—“LET US HANG HIM!”—THE + OLD MAN ON THE RUN—HE STANDS UP TO SUPPER—THE BAD BOY IS + TO DIE AT SUNSET. +</pre> + <p> + “I saw your Pa wearing a red, white, and blue badge, and a round red + badge, and several other badges, last week, during the reunion,” said the + grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth asked for a piece of codfish skin + to settle coffee with. “He looked like a hero, with his old black hat, + with a gold cord around it.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, he wore all the badges he could get, the first day, but after he + blundered into a place where there were a lot of fellows from his own + regiment, he took off the badges, and he wasn’t very numerous around the + boys the rest of the week. But he was lightning on the sham battle,” says + the boy. + </p> + <p> + “What was the matter? Didn’t the old soldiers treat him well? Didn’t they + seem to yearn for his society?” asked the grocery man, as the boy was + making a lunch on some sweet crackers in a tin cannister. + </p> + <p> + “Well, they were not very much mashed on Pa. You see, Pa never gets tired + telling us about how he fit in the army. For several years I didn’t know + what a sutler was, and when Pa would tell about taking a musket that a + dead soldier had dropped, and going into the thickest of the light, and + fairly mowing down the rebels in swaths the way they cut hay, I thought he + was the greatest man that ever was. Until I was eleven years old I thought + Pa had killed men enough to fill the Forest Home cemetery. I thought a + sutler was something higher than a general, and Pa used to talk about “I + and Grant,” and what Sheridan told him, and how Sherman marched with him + to the sea, and all that kind of rot, until I wondered why they didn’t + have pictures of Pa on a white horse, with epaulets on, and a sword. One + day at school I told a boy that my Pa killed more men than Grant, and the + boy said he didn’t doubt it, but he killed them with commissary whiskey. + The boy said his Pa was in the same regiment that my Pa was sutler of, and + his Pa said my Pa charged him five dollars for a canteen of peppersauce + and alcohol and called it whiskey. Then I began to enquire into it, and + found out that a sutler was a sort of liquid peanut stand, and that his + rank in the army was about the same as a chestnut roaster on the sidewalk + here at home. It made me sick, and I never had the same respect for Pa + after that. But Pa, don’t care. He thinks he is a hero, and tried to get a + pension on account of losing a piece of his thumb, but when the officers + found he was wounded by the explosion of a can of baked beans, they + couldn’t give it to him. Pa was down town when the veterans were here, and + I was with him, and I saw a lot of old soldiers looking at Pa, and I told + him they acted as though they knew him, and he put on his glasses, and + said to one of them, “How are you Bill?” The soldier looked at Pa and + called the other soldiers, and one said, That’s the old duffer that sold + me the bottle of brandy peaches at Chickamauga, for three dollars, and + they eat a hole through my stummick. Another said, ‘He’s the cuss that + took ten dollars out of my pay for pickles that were put up in <i>aqua + fortis</i>. Look at the corps badges he has on.’ Another said, ‘The old + whelp! He charged me fifty cents a pound for onions when I had the scurvy + at Atlanta.’ Another said, ‘He beat me out of my wages playing draw poker + with a cold deck, and the aces up his sleeve. Let us hang him.’ By this + time Pa’s nerves got unstrung and began to hurt him, and he said he wanted + to go home, and when we got around the corner he tore off his badges and + threw them in the sewer, and said it was all a man’s life was worth to be + a veteran now days. He didn’t go down town again till next day, and when + he heard a band playing he would go around a block. But at the sham battle + where there were no veterans hardly, he was all right with the militia + boys, and told them how he did when he was in the army. I thought it would + be fun to see Pa run, and so when one of the cavalry fellows lost his cap + in the charge, and was looking for it, I told the dragoon that the pussy + old man over by the fence had stolen his cap. That was Pa. Then I told Pa + that the soldier on the horse said he was a rebel, and he was going to + kill him. The soldier started after Pa with his sabre drawn, and Pa + started to run, and it was funny you bet.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p071.jpg" alt="Pa on the Run P071 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “The soldier galloped his horse, and yelled, and Pa put in his best licks, + and run up the track to where there was a board off the fence, and tried + to get through, but he got stuck, and the soldier put the point of his + sabre on Pa’s pants and pushed, and Pa got through the fence and I guess + he ran all the way home. At supper time Pa would not come to the table, + but stood up and ate off the side board, and Ma said Pa’s shirt was all + bloody, and Pa said mor’n fifty of them cavalry men charged on him, and he + held them at bay as long as he could, and then retired in good order. This + morning a boy told him that I set the cavalry man onto him, and he made me + wear two mouse traps on my ears all the forenoon, and he says he will kill + me at sunset. I ain’t going to be there at sunset, and don’t you remember + about it. Well, good bye. I have got to go down to the morgue and see them + bring in the man that was found on the lake shore, and see if the morgue + keeper is drunk this time.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY IN LOVE—ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN?—NO GETTING TO + HEAVEN ON SMALL POTATOES!—THE BAD BOY HAS TO CHEW COBS—MA + SAYS IT’S GOOD FOR A BOY TO BE IN LOVE—LOVE WEAKENS THE BAD + BOY—HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO GET MARRIED?—MAD DOG!—NEVER + EAT ICE CREAM. +</pre> + <p> + “Are you a christian?” asked the bad boy of the grocery man, as that + gentleman was placing vegetables out in front of the grocery one morning. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I hope so,” answered the grocery man, “I try to do what is right, + and hope to wear the golden crown when the time comes to close my books.” + </p> + <p> + “Then how is it that you put out a box of great big sweet potatoes, and + when we order some, and they come to the table, they are little bits of + things, not bigger than a radish? Do you expect to get to heaven on such + small potatoes, when you use big ones for a sign?” asked the boy, as he + took out a silk handkerchief and brushed a speck of dust off his nicely + blacked shoes. + </p> + <p> + The grocery man blushed and said he did not mean to take any such + advantage of his customers. + </p> + <p> + He said it must have been a mistake of the boy that delivers groceries. + </p> + <p> + “Then you must hire the boy to make mistakes, for it has been so every + time we have had sweet potatoes for five years,” said the boy. “And about + green corn. You have a few ears stripped down to show how nice and plump + it is, and if we order a dozen ears there are only two that have got any + corn on at all, and Pa and Ma gets them, and the rest of us have to chew + cobs. Do you hope to wear a crown of glory on that kind of corn?” + </p> + <p> + “O, such things will happen,” said the grocery man with a laugh, “But + don’t let’s talk about heaven. Let’s talk about the other place. How’s + things over to your house? And say, what’s the matter with you. You are + all dressed up, and have got a clean shirt on, and your shoes blacked, and + I notice your pants are not raveled out so at the bottoms of the legs + behind. You are not in love are you?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I should smile,” said the boy, as he looked in a small mirror on + the counter, covered with fly specks. “A girl got mashed on me, and Ma + says it is good for a boy who hasn’t got no sister, to be in love with a + girl, and so I kind of tumbled to myself and she don’t go no where without + I go with her. I take her to dancing school, and everywhere, and she loves + me like a house afire. Say, was you ever in love? Makes a fellow feel + queer, don’t it? Well sir, the first time I went home with her I put my + arm around her, and honest it scared me. It was just like when you take + hold of the handles of a lectric battery, and you can’t let go till the + man turns the knob. Honest, I was just as weak as a cat. I thought she had + needles in her belt and was going to take my arm away, but it was just + like it was glued on. I asked her if she felt that way too, and she said + she used to, but it was nothing when you got used to it. That made me mad. + But she is older than me and knows more about it. When I was going to + leave her at the gate, she kissed me, and that was worse than putting my + arm around her. By gosh, I trembled all over just like I had chills, but I + was as warm as toast. She wouldn’t let go for much as a minute, and I was + tired as though I had been carrying coal up stairs.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p074.jpg" alt="The Bad Boy and his Girl P074 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I didn’t want to go home at all, but she said it would be the best way + for me to go home, and come again the next day, and the next morning I + went to her house before any of them were up, and her Pa came out to let + the cat in, and I asked him what time his girl got up, and he laffed and + said I had got it bad, and that I had better go home and not be picked + till I got ripe. Say, how much does it cost to get married?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I should say you had got it bad,” said the grocery man, as he set + out a basket of beets. “Your getting in love will be a great thing for + your Pa. You won’t have any time to play any more jokes on him.” + </p> + <p> + “O, I guess we can find time to keep Pa from being lonesome. Have you seen + him this morning? You ought to have seen him last night. You see, my + chum’s Pa has got a setter dog stuffed. It is one that died two years ago, + and he thought a great deal of it, and he had it stuffed, for a ornament. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my chum and me took the dog and put it on our front steps, and took + some cotton and fastened it to the dog’s mouth so it looked just like + froth, and we got behind the door and waited for Pa to come home from the + theatre. When Pa started to come up the steps I growled and Pa looked at + the dog and said, “Mad dog, by crimus,” and he started down the sidewalk, + and my chum barked just like a dog, and I “Ki-yi’d” and growled like a dog + that gets licked, and you ought to see Pa run. He went around in the alley + and was going to get in the basement window, and my chum had a revolver + with some blank cartridges, and we went down in the basement and when Pa + was trying to open the window my chum began to fire towards Pa. Pa + hollered that it was only him, and not a burglar, but after my chum fired + four shots Pa run and climbed over the fence, and then we took the dog + home and I stayed with my chum all night, and this morning Ma said Pa + didn’t get home till four o’clock and then a policeman came with him, and + Pa talked about mad dogs and being taken for a burglar and nearly killed, + and she said she was afraid Pa had took to drinking again, and she asked + me if I heard any firing of guns, and I said no, and then she put a wet + towel on Pa’s head.” + </p> + <p> + “You ought to be ashamed,” said the grocery man “How does your Pa like + your being in love with the girl? Does he seem to encourage you in it?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes, she was up to our house to borry some tea, and Pa patted her on + the cheek and hugged her and said she was a dear little daisy, and wanted + her to sit in his lap, but when I wanted him to let me have fifty cents to + buy her some ice cream he said that was all nonsense. He said: “Look at + your Ma. Eating ice cream when she was a girl was what injured her health + for life.” I asked Ma about it, and she said Pa never laid out ten cents + for ice cream or any luxury for her in all the five years he was sparking + her. She says he took her to a circus once but he got free tickets for + carrying water for the elephant. She says Pa was tighter than the bark to + a tree. I tell you its going to be different with me. If there is anything + that girl wants she is going to have it if I have to sell Ma’s copper + boiler to get the money, What is the use of having wealth if you hoard it + up and don’t enjoy it? This family will be run on different principles + after this, you bet. Say, how much are those yellow wooden pocket combs in + the show case? I’ve a good notion to buy them for her. How would one of + them round mirrors, with a zinc cover, do for a present for a girl? + There’s nothing too good for her.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA FIGHTS HORNETS—THE OLD MAN LOOKS BAD—THE WOODS OF + WAUWATOSA—THE OLD MAN TAKES A NAP—“HELEN DAMNATION”— + “HELL IS OUT FOR NOON”—THE LIVER MEDICINE—ITS WONDERFUL + EFFECTS—THE BAD BOY IS DRUNK!—GIVE ME A LEMON!—A SIGHT OF + THE COMET!—THE HIRED GIRL’S RELIGION. +</pre> + <p> + “Go away from here now,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came + into the store and was going to draw some cider out of a barrel into a + pint measure that had flies in it. “Get right out of this place, and don’t + let me see you around here until the health officer says you Pa has got + over the small pox. I saw him this morning and his face is all covered + with postules, and they will have him in the pest house before night. You + git,” and he picked up a butter tryer and went for the boy who took refuge + behind a barrel of onions, and held up his hands as though Jesse James had + drawn a bead on him. + </p> + <p> + “O, you go and chase yourself. That is not small pox Pa has got. He had a + fight with a nest of hornets,” said the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Hornets! Well, I’ll be cussed,” remarked the grocery man, as he put up + the butter tryer, and handed the boy a slice of rotten muskmelon. “How in + the world did he get into a nest of hornets? I hope you did not have + anything to do with it.” + </p> + <p> + The boy buried his face in the melon, until he looked as though a yellow + gash had been cut from his mouth to his ears, and after swallowing the + melon, he said: “Well, Pa says I was responsible, and he says that settles + it, and I can go my way and he will go his. He said he was willing to + overlook everything I had done to make his life unbearable, but steering + him onto a nest of hornets, and then getting drunk, was too much, and I + can go.” + </p> + <p> + “What, you haven’t been drunk,” says the grocery man, “Great heavens, that + will kill your poor old father.” + </p> + <p> + “O, I guess it won’t kill him very much. He has been getting drunk for + twenty years, and he says he is healthier to-day than he ever was, since + his liver has got to working again. You see, Monday was a regular Indian + summer day, and Pa said he would take me and my chum out in the woods to + gather hickory nuts, if we would be good. I said I would, and my chum said + he would, and we got a couple of bags and went away out to Wauwatosa, in + the woods. We clubbed the trees and got more nuts than anybody, and had a + lunch, and Pa was just enjoying his relidgin first rate. While Pa was + taking a nap under a tree, my chum and me looked around and found a + hornets’ nest on the lower limb of the tree we were sitting under, and my + chum said it would be a good joke to get a pole and run it into the + hornet’s nest, and then run. Honest, I didn’t think about Pa being under + the tree, and I went into a field and got a hop pole, and put the small + end up into the nest, and gouged the nest a couple of times, and when the + boss hornet came out of the hole and looked sassy, and then looked back in + the hole and whistled to the other hornets to come out and have a circus, + and they began to come out, my chum and me run and climbed over a fence, + and got behind a pile of hop poles that was stacked up.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p079.jpg" alt="Helen Damnation P079 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I guess the hornets saw my Pa just as quick as they got out of the nest, + cause pretty soon we heard Pa call to ‘Helen Damnation,’ or some woman we + didn’t know, and then he took his coat, that he had been using for a + pillow, and whipped around, and he slapped hisself on the shoulders, and + then took the lunch basket and pounded around like he was crazy, and + bime-by he started on a run towards town, holding his pants up, cause his + suspenders was hanging down on his hips, and I never see a fat man run so, + and fan himself with a basket. We could hear him yell, ‘come on, boys. + Hell is out for noon,’ and he went over a hill, and we didn’t see him any + more. We waited till near dark because we was afraid to go after the bags + of nuts till the hornets had gone to bed, and then we came home. The bags + were awful heavy, and I think it was real mean in Pa to go off and leave + us, and not help carry the bags.” + </p> + <p> + “I swan,” says the grocery man, “You are too mean to live. But what about + your getting drunk?” + </p> + <p> + “O, I was going to tell you. Pa had a bottle of liver medicine in his coat + pocket, and when he was whipping his hornets the bottle dropped out, and I + picked it up to carry it home to him. My chum wanted to smell of the liver + medicine, so he took out the cork and it smelled just like in front of a + liquor store on East Water street, and my chum said his liver was bad, + too, and he took a swaller, and he said he should think it was enough to + cut a feller’s liver up in slices, but it was good, and then I had a + peculiar feeling in my liver, and my chum said his liver felt better after + he took a swaller, and and so I took a swaller, and it was the offulest + liver remedy I ever tasted. It scorched my throat just like the diptheria, + but it beats diptheria, or sore throat, all to pieces, and my chum and me + laffed, we was so tickled. Did you ever take liver medicine? You know how + it makes you feel as if your liver had got on top of your lights, and like + you wanted to jump and holler. Well, sir, honest that liver medicine made + me dance a jig on the viaduct bridge, and an old soldier from the + soldiers’ home came along and asked us what was the matter, and we told + him about our livers, and the liver medicine, and showed him the bottle, + and he said he sposed he had the worst liver in the world, and said the + doctors at the home, couldn’t cure him. It’s a mean boy that won’t help a + nold vetran cure his liver, so I told him to try Pa’s liver remedy, and he + took a regular cow swaller, and said, ‘here’s to your livers, boys.’ He + must have a liver bigger nor a cow’s, and I guess it is better now. + </p> + <p> + “Then my liver begun to feel curus again, and my chum said his liver was + getting torpid some more, and we both took another dose, and started home + and we got generous, and give our nuts all away to some boys. Say, does + liver medicine make a feller give away all he has got? We kept taking + medicine every five blocks, and we locked arms and went down a back street + and sung ‘O it is a glorious thing to be a pirut king,’ and when we got + home my heart felt bigger nor a washtub and I thought p’raps my liver had + gone to my head, and Pa came to the door with his face tied up in towels, + and some yellow stuff on the towels that smelted like anarchy, and I + slapped him on the shoulder and shouted, ’Hello, Gov., how’s your liver,’ + and gave him the bottle, and it was empty, and he asked me if we had been + drinking that medicine and he said he was ruined, and I told him he could + get some more down to the saloon, and he took hold of my collar and I + lammed him in the ear, and he bounced me up stairs, and then I turned + pale, and had cramps, and I didn’t remember any more till I woke up and + the doctor was over me, and Pa and Ma looked scared, and the Doc. had a + tin thing like you draw water out of a country cistern, only smaller, and + Ma said if it hadn’t been for the stomach pump she wouldn’t have had any + little boy, and I looked at the knobs on Pa’s face and I laffed and asked + Pa if he got into the hornets, too. Then the Doc. laffed, and Ma cried, + and Pa swore, and I groaned, and got sick again, and then they let me go + to sleep again, and this morning I had the offulest headache, and Pa’s + face looks like he had fell on a picket fence. When I got out I went to my + chum’s house to see if they had got him pumped out, and his Ma drove me + out with a broom, and she says I will ruin every boy in the neighborhood. + Pa says I was drunk and kicked him in the groin when he fired me up + stairs, and I asked him how I could be drunk just taking medicine for my + liver, and he said go to the devil, and I came over here. Say, give me a + lemon to settle my stomach.” + </p> + <p> + “But, look-a-here,” says the grocery man, as he gave the boy a little + dried up lemon, about as big as a prune, and told him he was a terror, + “what is the matter of your eye winkers and your hair? They seem to be + burned off.” + </p> + <p> + “O, thunder, didn’t Pa tell you about the comet exploding and burning us + all? That was the worst thing since the flood, when Noar run the excursion + boat from Kalamazoo to Mount Ararat. You see we had been reading about the + comet, which is visible at four o’clock in the morning, and I heard Pa + tell the hired girl to wake him and Ma up when she got up to set the + pancakes and go to early mass so they could, see the comet. The hired girl + is a Cathlick, and she don’t make no fuss about it, but she has got more + good, square relidgin than a dozen like Pa. It makes a good deal of + difference how relidgin affects different people, don’t it. Now Pa’s + relidgin makes him wild, and he wants to kick my pants, and pull my hair, + but the hired girl’s relidgin makes her want to hug me, if I am abused, + and she puts anarchy on my bruises, and gives me pie. Pa wouldn’t get up + at four o’clock in the morning to go to early mass, unless he could take a + fish pole along and some angel worms. The hired girl prays when no one + sees her but God, but Pa wants to get a church full of sisterin’, and pray + loud, as though he was an auctioneer selling tin razors. Say, it beats all + what a difference liver medicine has on two people, too. Now that hickory + nut day, when me and my chum got full of Pa’s liver medicine, I felt so + good natured I gave my hickory nuts away to the children, and wanted to + give my coat and pants to a poor tramp, but my chum, who ain’t no bigger’n + me, got on his ear and wanted to kick the socks off a little girl who was + going home from school. It’s queer, ain’t it. Well, about the cornet. When + I heard Pa tell the hired girl to wake him and Ma up, I told her to’ wake + me up about half an hour before she waked Pa up, and then I got my chum to + stay with me, and we made a comet to play on Pa, you see my room is right + over Pa’s room, and I got two lengths of stove pipe and covered them all + over with phosphorus, so they looked just as bright at as a comet. Then we + got two Roman candles and a big sky rocket, and we were going to touch off + the Roman candles and the sky rocket just as Pa and Ma got to looking at + the comet. I didn’t know that a sky rocket would kick back, did you? Well, + you’d a dide to see that comet. We tied a piece of white rubber garden + hose to the stove pipe for a tail and went to bed, and when the girl woke + us up we laid for Pa and Ma. Pretty soon we heard Pa’s window open, and I + looked out, and Pa and Ma had their heads and half their bodies out of the + window. They had their night shirts on and looked just like the pictures + of Millerites waiting for the world to come to an end. Pa looked up and + seed the stove pipe and he said: + </p> + <p> + “Hanner, for God’s sake, look up there. That is the damest comet I ever + see. It is as bright as day. See the tail of it. Now that is worth getting + up to see.” + </p> + <p> + “Just then my chum lit the two Roman candles and I touched off the rocket, + and that’s where my eye winkers went. The rocket busted the joints of the + stove pipe, and they fell down on Pa, but Ma got her head inside before + the comet struck, and wasn’t hurt, but one length of stove pipe struck Pa + endways on the neck and almost cut a biscuit out of him, and the fire and + sparks just poured down in his hair, and burned his night shirt. Pa was + scart. He thought the world was coming to an end, and the window came down + on his back, and he began to sing, “Earth’s but a desert drear, Heaven is + my home.” I see he was caught in the window, and I went down stairs to put + out the fire on his night shirt, and put up the window to let him in, and + he said, “My boy, your Ma and I are going to Heaven, but I fear you will + go to the bad place,” and I told him I would take my chances, and he + better put on his pants if he was going anywhere that there would be + liable to be ladies present, and when he got his head in Ma told him the + world was not coming to an end, but somebody had been setting off + fireworks, and she said she guessed it was their dear little boy, and when + I saw Pa feeling under the bed for a bed slat I got up stairs pretty + previous now, and don’t you forget it, and Ma put cold cream on where the + sparks burnt Pa’s shirt, and Pa said another day wouldn’t pass over his + head before he had me in the Reform School. Well, if I go to the Reform + School, somebody’s got to pay attention, you can bet your liver. A boy + can’t have any fun these days without everybody thinks he is a heathen. + What hurt did it do to play comet? It’s a mean father that wont stand a + little scorchin’ in the interests of science.” + </p> + <p> + The boy went out, scratching the place where his eye winkers were, and + then the grocery man knew what it was that caused the fire engines to be + out around at four o’clock in the morning, looking for a fire. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GOES HUNTING. MUTILATED JAW—THE OLD MAN HAS TAKEN TO + SWEARING AGAIN—OUT WEST DUCK SHOOTING—HIS COAT-TAIL SHOT + OFF—SHOOTS AT A WILD GOOSE—THE GUN KICKS!—THROWS A CHAIR + AT HIS SON—THE ASTONISHED SHE DEACON. +</pre> + <p> + “What has your Pa got his jaw tied up for, and what makes his right eye so + black and blue,” asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as the boy came to + bring some butter back that was strong enough to work on the street. “You + haven’t hurt your poor old Pa, have you?” + </p> + <p> + “O, his jaw is all right now. You ought to have seen him when the gun was + engaged in kicking him,” says the boy as he set the butter plate on the + cheese box. + </p> + <p> + “Well, tell us about it. What had the gun against your Pa? I guess it was + the son-of-a-gun that kicked him,” said the grocery man, as he winked at a + servant girl who came in with her apron over her head, after two cents + worth of yeast. + </p> + <p> + “I’ll tell you, if you will keep watch down street for Pa. He says he is + dammed if he will stand this foolishness any longer.” + </p> + <p> + “What, does your father swear, while he is on probation?” + </p> + <p> + “Swear! Well, I should cackle. You ought to have heard him when he come + to, and spit out the loose teeth. You see, since Pa quit drinking he is a + little nervous, and the doctor said he ought to go out somewhere and get + bizness off his mind, and hunt ducks, and row a boat, and get strength, + and Pa said shooting ducks was just in his hand, and for me to go and + borrow a gun, and I could go along and carry game. So I got a gun at the + gun store, and some cartridges, and we went away out west on the cars, + more than fifty miles, and stayed two days. You ought to seen Pa. He was + just like a boy that was sick, and couldn’t go to school. When we got out + by the lake he jumped up and cracked his heels together, and yelled. I + thought he was crazy, but he was only cunning. First I scared him nearly + to death by firing off the gun behind him, as we were going along the + bank, and blowing off a piece of his coat-tail. I knew it wouldn’t hurt + him, but he turned pale and told me to lay down that gun, and he picked it + up and carried it the rest of the way, and I was offul glad cause it was a + heavy gun. His coat-tail smelled like when you burn a rag to make the air + in the room stop smelling so, all the forenoon. You know Pa is a little + near sighted but he don’t believe it, so I got some of the wooden decoy + ducks that the hunters use, and put them in the lake, and you ought to see + Pa get down on his belly and crawl through the grass, to get up close to + them. + </p> + <p> + “He shot twenty times at the wooden ducks, and wanted me to go in and + fetch them out, but I told him I was no retriever dog. Then Pa was mad, + and said all he brought me along for was to carry game, and I had come + near shooting his hind leg off, and now I wouldn’t carry ducks. While he + was coaxing me to go in the cold water without my pants on, I heard some + wild geese squawking, and then Pa heard them, and he was excited. He said + you lay down behind the muskrat house, and I will get a goose. I told him + he couldn’t kill a goose with that fine shot, and I gave him a large + cartridge the gun store man loaded for me, with a handful of powder in, + and I told Pa it was a goose cartridge, and Pa put it in the gun. The + geese came along, about a mile high, squawking, and Pa aimed at a dark + cloud and fired. Well, I was offul scared, I thought I had killed him.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p088.jpg" alt="The Gun Just Rared up P088 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “The gun just rared up and come down on his jaw, shoulder and everywhere, + and he went over a log and struck on his shoulder, the gun flew out of his + hands, and Pa he laid there on his neck, with his feet over the log, and + that was the first time he didn’t scold me since he got relidgin. I felt + offul sorry, and got some dirty water in my hat and poured it down his + neck, and laid him out, and pretty soon he opened his eyes and asked if + any of the passengers got ashore alive. Then his eye swelled out so it + looked like a blue door-knob, and pa felt of his jaw, and asked if the + engineer and fireman jumped off, or if they went down with the engine. He + seemed dazed, and then he saw the gun, and he said take the dam thing + away, it is going to kick me again. Then he got his senses and wanted to + know if he killed a goose, and I told him no, but he nearly broke one’s + jaw, and then he said the gun kicked him when it went off, and he laid + down and the gun kept kicking him more than twenty times, when he was + trying to sleep. He went back to the tavern where we were stopping and + wouldn’t touch the gun, but made me lug it. He told the tavern keeper that + he fell over a wire fence, but I think he began to suspect, after he spit + the loose teeth out, that the gun was loaded for bear. I suppose he will + kill me some day. Don’t you think he will?” + </p> + <p> + “Any coroner’s jury would let him off and call it justifiable, if he + should kill you. You must be a lunatic. Has your Pa talked much about it + since you got back?” asked the grocery man. + </p> + <p> + “Not much. You see he can’t talk much without breaking his jaw. But he was + able to throw a chair at me. You see I thought I would joke him a little, + cause when anybody feels bad a joke kind of livens em up, so we were + talking about Pa’s liver, and Ma said he seemed to be better since his + liver had become more active, and I said, ‘Pa, when you was a rolling over + with the gun chasing you, and kicking you every round, your liver was + active enough, cause it was on top half the time.’ Then Pa throwed the + chair at me. He says he believes I knew that cartridge was loaded. But you + ought to seen the fun when an old she deacon of Pa’s church called to + collect some money to send to the heathens. + </p> + <p> + “Ma wasn’t in, so Pa went to the parlor to stand her off, and when she see + that Pa’s face was tied up, and his eye was black, and his jaw cracked, + she held up both hands and said, ’O, my dear brother, you have been drunk + again. You have backslid. You will have to go back and commence your + probation all over again, and Pa said, ‘Damfido,’ and the old she deacon + screamed and went off without getting enough money to buy a deck of round + cornered cards for the heathen. Say, what does ‘damfido,’ mean? Pa has + some of the queerest expressions, since he joined the church.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA IS “NISHIATED”—ARE YOU A MASON?—NO HARM TO PLAY aT + LODGE—WHY GOATS ARE KEPT IN STABLES—THE BAD BOY GETS THE + GOAT UP STAIRS—THE GRAND BUMPER DEGREE—KYAN PEPPER ON THE + GOAT’S BEARD—“BRING FORTH THE ROYAL BUMPER “—THE GOAT ON + THE RAMPAGE. +</pre> + <p> + “Say, are you a Mason, or a nodfellow, or anything?” asked the bad boy of + the grocery man, as he went to the cinnamon bag on the shelf and took out + a long stick of cinnamon bark to chew. + </p> + <p> + “Why, yes, of course I am, but what set you to thinking of that,” asked + the grocery man, as he went to the desk and charged the boy’s father with + a half a pound of cinnamon. + </p> + <p> + “Well, do the goats bunt when you nishiate a fresh candidate?” + </p> + <p> + “No, of course not. The goats are cheap ones, that have no life, and we + muzzle them, and put pillows over their heads, so they can’t hurt + anybody,” says the grocery man, as he winked at a brother Odd Fellow who + was seated on a sugar barrel, looking mysterious, “But why do you ask?” + </p> + <p> + “O, nothin, only I wish me and my chum had muzzled our goat with a pillow. + Pa would have enjoyed his becoming a member of our lodge better. You see, + Pa had been telling us how much good the Masons and Odd Fellers did, and + said we ought to try and grow up good so we could jine the lodges when we + got big, and I asked Pa if it would do any hurt for us to have a play + lodge in my room, and purtend to nishiate, and Pa said it wouldn’t do any + hurt. He said it would improve our minds and learn us to be men. So my + chum and me borried a goat that lives in a livery stable. Say, did you + know they keep a goat in a livery stable so the horses won’t get sick? + They get used to the smell of the goat, and after that nothing can make + them sick but a glue factory. I wish my girl boarded in a livery stable, + then she would get used to the smell. I went home with her from church + Sunday night, and the smell of the goat on my clothes made her sick to her + stummick, and she acted just like an excursion on the lake, and said if I + didn’t go and bury myself and take the smell out of me she wouldn’t never + go with me again. She was just as pale as a ghost, and the prespiration on + her lip was just zif she had been hit by a street sprinkler. You see my + chum and me had to carry the goat up to my room when Pa and Ma was out + riding, and he blatted so we had to tie a handkerchief around his nose, + and his feet made such a noise on the floor that we put some baby’s socks + on his feet. Gosh, how frowy a goat smells, don’t it? I should think you + Masons must have strong stummix, Why don’t you have a skunk or a mule for + a trade mark. Take a mule, and annoint it with limburg cheese and you + could initiate and make a candidate smell just as bad as with a gosh darn + mildewed goat. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my chum and me practiced with that goat until he could bunt the + picture of a goat every time. We borried a buck beer sign from a saloon + man and hung it on the back of a chair, and the goat would hit it every + time. That night Pa wanted to know what we were doing up in my room, and I + told him we were playing lodge, and improving our minds, and Pa said that + was right, there was nothing that did boys of our age half so much good as + to imitate men, and store by useful nollidge. Then my chum asked Pa if he + didn’t want to come up and take the grand bumper degree, and Pa laffed and + said he didn’t care if he did, just to encourage us boys in innocent + pastime, that was so improving to our intellex. + </p> + <p> + “We had shut the goat up in a closet in my room, and he had got over + blatting, so we took off the handkerchief, and he was eating some of my + paper collars, and skate straps. We went up stairs, and told Pa to come up + pretty soon and give three distinct raps, and when we asked him who comes + there he must say, ‘a pilgrim who wants to join your ancient order and + ride the goat.’ Ma wanted to come up too, but we told her if she come in + it would break up the lodge, cause a woman couldn’t keep a secret, and we + didn’t have any side saddle for the goat. Say, if you never tried it, the + next time you nitiate a man in your Mason’s lodge you sprinkle a little + kyan pepper on the goat’s beard just afore you turn him loose. You can get + three times as much fun to the square inch of goat. You wouldn’t think it + was the same goat. Well, we got all fixed and Pa rapped, and we let him in + and told him he must be blindfolded, and he got on his knees a laffing and + I tied a towel around his eyes, and then I turned him around and made him + get down on his hands also, and then his back was right towards the closet + door, and I put the buck beer sign right against Pa’s clothes. He was a + laffing all the time, and said we boys were as full of fun as they made + ’em, and we told him it was a solemn occasion, and we wouldn’t permit no + levity, and if he didn’t stop laffing we couldn’t give him the grand + bumper degree.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p093.jpg" alt="Then Everything Was Ready P093 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Then everything was ready, and my chum had his hand on the closet door, + and some kyan pepper in his other hand, and I asked Pa in low bass tones + if he felt as though he wanted to turn back, or if he had nerve enough to + go ahead and take the degree. I warned him that it was full of dangers, as + the goat was loaded for bear, and told him he yet had time to retrace his + steps if he wanted to. He said he wanted the whole bizness, and we could + go ahead with the menagerie. Then I said to Pa that if he had decided to + go ahead, and not blame us for the consequences, to repeat after me the + following: ‘Bring forth the Royal Bumper and let him Bump.’ Pa repeated + the words, and my chum sprinkled the kyan pepper on the goat’s moustache, + and he sneezed once and looked sassy, and then he see the lager beer goat + raring up, and he started for it, just like a cow catcher, and blatted. Pa + is real fat, but he knew he got hit, and he grunted, and said, + ’Hell’s-fire, what you boys doin?’” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p095.jpg" alt="Hell’s-fire, What You Boys Doin P095 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “And then the goat gave him another degree, and Pa pulled off the towel + and got up and started for the stairs, and so did the goat, and Ma was at + the bottom of the stairs listening, and when I looked over the banisters + Pa and Ma and the goat were all in a heap, and Pa was yelling murder, and + Ma was screaming fire, and the goat was blatting, and sneezing, and + bunting, and the hired girl came into the hall and the goat took after her + and she crossed herself just as the goat struck her and said, ’Howly + mother, protect me!’ and went down stairs the way we boys slide down hill, + with both hands on herself, and the goat rared up and blatted, and Pa and + Ma went into their room and shut the door, and then my chum and me opened + the front door and drove the goat out. The minister, who comes to see Ma + every three times a week, was just ringing the bell and the goat thought + he wanted to be nishiated too, and gave him one, for luck, and then went + down the sidewalk, blatting, and sneezing, and the minister came in the + parlor and said he was stabbed, and then Pa came out of his room with his + suspenders hanging down, and he didn’t know the minister was there, and he + said cuss words, and Ma cried and told Pa he would go to hell sure, and Pa + said he didn’t care, he would kill that kussid goat afore he went, and I + told Pa the minister was in the parlor, and he and Ma went down and said + the weather was propitious for a revival, and it seemed as though an + outpouring of the spirit was about to be vouchsafed to His people, and + none of them sot down but Ma, cause the goat didn’t hit her, and while + they were talking relidgin, with their mouths, and kussin the goat + inwardly, my chum and me adjourned the lodge, and I went and stayed with + him all night, and I haven’t been home since. But I don’t believe Pa will + lick me, cause he said he would not hold us responsible for the + consequences. He ordered the goat hisself, and we filled the order, don’t + you see? Well, I guess I will go and sneak in the back way, and find out + from the hired girl how the land lays. She won’t go back on me, cause the + goat was not loaded for hired girls. She just happened to get in at the + wrong time. Good bye, sir, Remember and give your goat kyan pepper in your + lodge.” + </p> + <p> + As the boy went away, and skipped over the back fence, the grocery man + said to his brother odd fellow, + </p> + <p> + “If that boy don’t beat the devil then I never saw one that did. The old + man ought to have him sent to a lunatic asylum.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS GIRL GOES BACK ON HIM—THE GROCERY MAN IS AFRAID—BUT + THE BAD BOY IS A WRECK!—“MY GIRL, HAS SHOOK ME!”—THE BAD + BOY’S HEART IS BROKEN—STILL HE ENJOYS A BIT OF FUN—COD- + LIVER OIL ON THE PANCAKES—THE HIRED GIRLS MADE VICTIMS—THE + BAD BOY VOWS VENGEANCE ON HIS GIRL AND THE TELEGRAPH + MESSENGER. +</pre> + <p> + “Now you git right away from here,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, + as he came in with a hungry look on his face, and a wild light in his eye. + “I am afraid of you. I wouldn’t be surprised to see you go off half cocked + and blow us all up. I think you are a devil. You may have a billy goat, or + a shot gun or a bottle of poison concealed about you. Condemn you, the + police ought to muzzle you. You will kill somebody yet. Here take a + handful of prunes and go off somewhere and enjoy yourself, and keep away + from here,” and the grocery man went on sorting potatoes, and watching the + haggard face of the boy. “What ails you anyway?” he added, as the boy + refused the prunes, and seemed to be sick to the stomach. + </p> + <p> + “O, I am a wreck,” said the boy, as he grated his teeth, and looked + wicked. “You see before you a shadow. I have drank of the sweets of life, + and now only the dregs remain. I look back at the happiness of the past + two weeks, during which I have been permitted to gaze into the fond blue + eyes of my loved one, and carry her rubbers to school for her to wear home + when it rained, to hear the sweet words that fell from her lips as she + lovingly told me I was a terror, and as I think it is all over, and that I + shall never again place my arm around her waist, I feel as if the world + had been kicked off its base and was whirling through space, liable to be + knocked into a cocked hat, and I don’t care a darn. My girl has shook me.” + </p> + <p> + “Sho! You don’t say so,” says the grocery man as he threw a rotten potato + into a basket of good ones that were going to the orphan asylum. “Well, + she showed sense. You would have blown her up, or broken her neck, or + something. But don’t feel bad. You will soon find another girl that will + discount her, and you will forget this one.” + </p> + <p> + “Never!” said the the boy, as he nibbled at a piece of codfish that he had + picked off. “I shall never allow my affections to become entwined about + another piece of calico. It unmans me, sir. Henceforth I am a hater of the + whole girl race. From this out I shall harbor revenge in my heart, and no + girl can cross my path and live. I want to grow up to become a he school + ma’am, or a he milliner, or something, where I can. grind girls into the + dust under the heel of a terrible despotism, and make them sue for mercy. + To think that girl, on whom I have lavished my heart’s best love and over + thirty cents, in the past two weeks, could let the smell of a goat on my + clothes come between us, and break off, an acquaintance that seemed to be + the forerunner of a happy future, and say “ta-ta” to me, and go off to + dancing school with a telegraph messenger boy who wears a sleeping car + porter uniform, is too much, and my heart is broken. I will lay for that + messenger some night, when he is delivering a message in our ward, and I + will make him think lightning has struck the wire and run in on his bench. + O, you don’t know anything about the woe there is in this world. You never + loved many people, did you?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man admitted he never loved very hard, but he knew a little + something about it from-an aunt of his, who got mashed on a Chicago + drummer. “But your father must be having a rest while your whole mind is + occupied with your love affair,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” says the boy, with a vacant look, “I take no interest in the + pleasure of the chase any more, though I did have a little quiet fun this + morning at the breakfast table. You see Pa is the contrariest man ever + was. If I complain that anything at the table don’t taste good, Pa says it + is all right. This morning I took the syrup pitcher and emptied out the + white syrup and put in some cod liver oil that Ma is taking for her cough. + I put some on my pancakes and pretended to taste of it, and I told Pa the + syrup was sour and not fit to eat. Pa was mad in a second, and he poured + out some on his pancakes, and said I was getting too confounded + particular. He said the syrup was good enough for him, and he sopped his + pancakes in it and fired some down his neck. He is a gaul durned + hypocrite, that’s what he is. I could see by his face that the cod liver + oil was nearly killing him, but he said that syrup was all right, and if I + didn’t eat mine he would break my back, and by gosh, I had to eat it, and + Pa said he guessed he hadn’t got much appetite, and he would just drink a + cup of coffee and eat a donut. + </p> + <p> + “I like to dide, and that is one thing, I think, that makes this + disappointment in love harder to bear. But I felt sorry for Ma. Ma ain’t + got a very strong stummick, and when she got some of that cod liver oil in + her mouth she went right up stairs, sicker’n a horse, and Pa had to help + her, and she had noo-ralgia all the morning. I eat pickles to take the + taste out of my mouth, and then I laid for the hired girls. They eat too + much syrup, anyway, and when they got on to that cod liver oil, and + swallowed a lot of it, one of them, a nirish girl, she got up from the + table and put her hand on her corset, and said, “howly Jaysus,” and went + out in the kitchen, as pale as Ma is when she has powder on her face, and + the other girl who is Dutch, she swallowed a pancake and said, “Mine Gott, + vas de matter from me,” and she went out and leaned on the coal bin, then + they talked Irish and Dutch, and got clubs, and started to look for me, + and I thought I would come over here. + </p> + <p> + “The whole family is sick, but it is not from love, like my illness, and + they will get over it, while I shall fill an early grave, but not till I + have made that girl and the telegraph messenger wish they were dead. Pa + and I are going to Chicago next week, and I’ll bet we’ll have some fun. Pa + says I need a change of air, and I think he is going to try and lose me. + It’s a cold day when I get left anywhere that I can’t find my way back, + Well, good bye, old rotten potatoes.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023_a" id="link2H_4_0023_a"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HE AND HIS PA IN CHICAGO—NOTHING LIKE TRAVELING TO GIVE + TONE—LAUGHING IN THE WRONG PLACE—A DIABOLICAL PLOT—HIS PA + ARRESTED AS A KIDNAPPER—THE NUMBERS ON THE DOORS CHANGED— + THE WRONG ROOM—“NOTHIN THE MAZZER WITH ME, PET!”—THE TELL- + TALE HAT. +</pre> + <p> + “What is this I hear about your Pa’s being arrested in Chicago,” said the + grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in with a can for kerosene and a + jug for vinegar. + </p> + <p> + “Well, it was true, but the police let him go after they hit him a few + licks and took him to the station,” said the boy, as he got the vinegar + into the kerosene can, and the kerosene in the jug. “You see, Pa and me + went down there to stay over night, and have fun. Ma said she druther we + would be away then not when they were cleaning house, and Pa thought it + would do me good to travel, and sort of get tone, and he thought maybe I’d + be better, and not play jokes, but I guess it is born in me. Do you know I + actually think of mean things to do when I am in the most solemn places. + They took me to a funeral once; and I got to thinking what a stampede + there would be if the corpse would come to life and sit up in the coffin, + and I snickered right out, and Pa took me out doors and kicked my pants. I + don’t think he orter kicked me for it, cause I didn’t think of it a + purpose. Such things have occurred, and I have read about them, and a poor + boy ought to be allowed to think, hadn’t he?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, but what about his being arrested. Never mind the funeral,” said the + grocery man, as he took his knife and picked some of the lead out of the + weights on the scales. + </p> + <p> + “We went down on the cars, and Pa had a headache, because he had been out + all night electioneering for the prohibition ticket, and he was cross, and + scolded me, and once he pulled my ear cause I asked him if he knew the + girl he was winking at in a seat across the aisle. I didn’t enjoy myself + much, and some men were talking about kidnapping children, and it gave me + an ijee, and just before I got to Chicago I went after a drink of water at + the other end of the car, and I saw a man who looked as though he wouldn’t + stand any fooling, and I whispered to him and told him that the + bald-headed man I was sitting with was taking me away from my home in + Milwaukee, and I mistrusted he was going to make a thief or a pickpocket + of me. I said ‘s-h-h-h,’ and told him not to say anything or the man would + maul me. Then I went back to the seat and asked Pa to buy me a gold watch, + and he looked mad and cuffed me on the ear. The man that I whispered too + got talking with some other men, and when we got off the cars at Chicago a + policeman came up to Pa and took him by the neck and said, ‘Mr. Kidnapper, + I guess we will run you in.’ Pa was mad and tried to jerk away, and the + cop choked him, and another cop came along and helped, and the passengers + crowded around and wanted to lynch Pa, and Pa wanted to know what they + meant, and they asked him where he stole the kid, and he said I was his + kid, and asked me if I wasn’t, and I looked scarred, as though I was + afraid to say no, and I said ‘Y-e-s S-e-r, I guess so.’ Then the police + said the poor boy was scart, and they would take us both to the station, + and they made Pa walk spry, and when he held back they jerked him along. + He was offul mad and said he would make somebody smart for this, and I + hoped it wouldn’t be me. At the station they charged Pa with kidnapping a + boy from Milwaukee, and he said it was a lie, and I was his boy, and I + said of course I was, and the boss asked who told the cops Pa was a + kidnapper, and they said ‘damfino,’ and then the boss told Pa he could go, + but not to let it occur again, and Pa and me went away. I looked so sorry + for Pa that he never tumbled to me, that I was to blame. We walked around + town all day, and went to the stores, and at night Pa was offul tired, and + he put me to bed in the tavern and he went out to walk around and get + rested. I was not tired, and I walked all around the hotel. I thought Pa + had gone to a theatre, and that made me mad, and I thought I would play a + joke on him. Our room was 210 and the next was 212, and there was a old + maid with a scotch terrier occupied 212. I saw her twice and she called me + names, cause she thought I wanted to steal her dog. That made me mad at + her, and so I took my jack knife and drew the tacks out of the tin thing + that the numbers were painted on, and put the old maid’s number on our + door and our number on her door, and then I went to bed. I tried to keep + awake, so as to help Pa if he had any difficulty, but I guess I got + asleep, but woke up when the dog barked. If the dog had not woke me up, + the woman’s scream would, and if that hadn’t, Pa would. You see, Pa came + home from the theatre about ’leven, and he had been drinking. He says + everybody drinks when they go to Chicago, even the minister. Pa looked at + the numbers on the doors all along the hall till he found 210, and walked + right in and pulled off his coat and threw it on the lounge where the dog + was. The old maid was asleep, but the dog barked, and Pa said, ‘That + cussed boy has bought a dog.’ and he kicked the dog, and then the old maid + said, ‘what is the matter pet?’” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p105.jpg" alt="In the Wrong Room P105 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Pa laffed and said, ‘Nothin the mazzer with <i>me</i>, pet,’ and then you + ought to have heard the yelling. The old maid covered her head and kicked + and yelled, and the dog snarled and bit Pa on the pants, and Pa had his + vest off and his suspenders unbuttoned, and he got scared and took his + coat and vest and went out in the hall, and I opened our door and told Pa + he was in the wrong room, and he said he guessed he knowed it, and he came + in our room and I locked the door, and then the bell boy, and the porter, + and the clerk came up to see what ailed the old maid, and she said a + burglar got in the room, and they found Pa’s hat on the lounge, and they + took it and told her to be quiet and they would find the burglar. Pa was + so scared that he sweat like everything, and the bed was offul warm, and + he pretended to go to sleep, but he was wondering how he could get his hat + back. In the morning I told him it would be hard work to explain it to Ma + how he happened to get into the wrong room, and he said it wasn’t + necessary to say anything about it to Ma. Then he gave me five dollars to + go out and buy him a new hat, and he said I might keep the change if I + would not mention it when I got home, and I got him one for ten shillings, + and we took the eight o’clock train in the morning and came home, and I + spose the Chicago detectives are trying to fit Pa’s hat onto a burglar. Pa + seemed offully relieved when we got across the state line into Wisconsin. + But you’d a dide to see him come out of that old lady’s room with his coat + and vest on his arm, and his suspenders hanging down, looking scart. He + dassent lick me any more or I’ll tell Ma where Pa left his hat.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA IS DISCOURAGED. “I AIN’T NO JONER!”—THE STORY OP THE + ANCIENT PROPHET—THE SUNDAY SCHOOL FOLKS GO BACK ON THE BAD + BOY—CAGED CATS—A COMMITTEE MEETING—A REMARKABLE CAT- + ASTROPHE!—“THAT BOY BEATS HELL!”—BASTING THE BAD BOY—THE + HOT-WATER-IN-THE SPONGE TRICK. +</pre> + <p> + “Say, you leave here mighty quick,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, + as he came in, with his arm in a sling, and backed up againt the stove to + get warm. “Everything has gone wrong since you got to coming here, and I + think you are a regular Jonah. I find sand in my sugar, kerosene in the + butter, the codfish is all picked off, and there is something wrong every + time you come here. Now you leave.” + </p> + <p> + “I aint no Joner,” said the boy as he wiped his nose on his coat sleeve, + and reached into a barrel for a snow apple. “I never swallered no whale. + Say, do you believe that story about Joner being in the whale’s belly, all + night? I don’t. The minister was telling about it at Sunday school last + Sunday, and asked me what I thought Joner was doing while he was in there, + and I told him I interpreted the story this way, that the whale was fixed + up inside with upper and lower berths, like a sleeping car, and Joner had + a lower berth, and the porter made up the berth as soon as Joner came in + with his satchel, and Joner pulled off his boots and gave them to the + porter to black, and put his watch under the pillow and turned in. The + boys in Sunday school all laffed, and the minister said I was a bigger + fool than Pa was, and that was useless. If you go back on me, now, I won’t + have a friend, except my chum and a dog, and I swear, by my halidom, that + I never put no sand in your sugar, or kerosene in your butter. I admit the + picking off of the codfish, but you can charge it to Pa, the same as you + did the eggs that I pushed my chum over into last summer, though I thought + you did wrong in charging Christmas prices for dog days’ eggs. When my + chum’s Ma scraped his pants she said there was not an egg represented on + there that was less than two years old. The Sunday school folks have all + gone back on me, since I put kyan pepper on the stove, when they were + singing ‘Little Drops of Water,’ and they all had to go out doors and air + themselves, but I didn’t mean to let the pepper drop on the stove. I was + just holding it over the stove to warm it, when my chum hit the funny bone + of my elbow. Pa says I am a terror to cats. Every time Pa says anything, + it gives me a new idea. I tell you Pa has got a great brain, but sometimes + he don’t have it with him. When he said I was a terror to cats I thought + what fun there is in cats, and me and my chum went to stealing cats right + off, and before night we had eleven cats caged. We had one in a canary + bird cage, three in Pa’s old hat boxes, three in Ma’s band box, four in + valises, two in a trunk, and the rest in a closet up stairs.” + </p> + <p> + “That night Pa said he wanted me to stay home because the committee that + is going to get up a noyster supper in the church was going to meet at our + house, and they might want to send me on errands. I asked him if my chum + couldn’t stay too, ’cause he is the healthiest infant to run after errands + that ever was, and Pa said he could stay, but we must remember that there + musn’t be no monkey business going on. I told him there shouldn’t be no + monkey business, but I didn’t promise nothing about cats. Well, sir, you’d + a dide. The committee was in the library by the back stairs, and me and my + chum got the cat boxes all together, at the top of the stairs, and we took + them all out and put them in a clothes basket, and just as the minister + was speaking, and telling what a great good was done by these oyster + sociables, in bringing the young people together, and taking their minds + from the wickedness of the world, and turning their thoughts into + different channels, one of the old torn cats in the basket gave a + ’purmeow’ that sounded like the wail of a lost soul, or a challenge to + battle, I told my chum that we couldn’t hold the bread-board over the + clothes basket much longer, when two or three cats began to yowl, and the + minister stopped talking and Pa told Ma to open the stair door and tell + the hired girl to see what was the matter up there. She thought our cat + had got shut up in the storm door, and she opened the stair door to yell + to the girl, and then I pushed the clothes basket, cats and all down the + back stairs. Well, sir, I suppose no committee for a noyster supper, was + ever more astonished. I heard ma fall over a willow rocking chair, and + say, ‘scat,’ and I heard Pa say, ‘well, I’m dam’d,’ and a girl that sings + in the choir say, ‘Heavens, I am stabbed,’ then my chum and me ran to the + front of the house and come down the front stairs looking as innocent as + could be, and we went in the library, and I was just going to tell Pa if + there was any errands he wanted run my chum and me was just aching to run + them, when a yellow cat without any tail was walking over the minister, + and Pa was throwing a hassock at two cats that were clawing each other + under the piano, and Ma was trying to get her frizzes back on her head, + and the choir girl was standing on the lounge with her dress pulled up, + trying to scare cats with her striped stockings, and the minister was + holding his hands up, and I guess he was asking a blessing on the cats, + and my chum opened the front door and all the cats went out. Pa and Ma + looked at me and I said it wasn’t me, and the minister wanted to know how + so much cat hair got on my coat and vest, and I said a cat met me in the + hall and kicked me, and Ma cried, and Pa said that boy beats hell, and the + minister said I would be all right if I had been properly brought up, and + then Ma was mad, and the committee broke up. Well, to tell the honest + truth Pa basted me, and yanked me around until I had to have my arm in a + sling, but what’s the use of making such a fuss about a few cats. Ma said + she never wanted to have my company again, cause I spoiled everything. But + I got even with Pa for basting me, this morning, and I dassent go home. + You see Ma has got a great big bath sponge as big as a chair cushion, and + this morning I took the sponge and filled it with warm water, and took the + feather cushion out of the chair Pa sits in at the table, and put the + sponge in its place, and covered it over with the cushion cover, and when + we all got set down to the table Pa came in and sat down on it to ask a + blessing. He started in by closing his eyes and placing his hands up in + front of him like a letter V, and then he began to ask that the food we + were about to partake off be blessed, and then he was going on to ask that + ’all of us be made to see the error of our ways, when he began to hitch + around, and he opened one eye and looked at me, and I looked as pious as a + boy can look when he knows the pancakes are getting cold, and Pa he kind + of sighed and said ’Amen’ sort of snappish, and he got up and told Ma he + didn’t feel well, and she would have to take his place and pass around the + sassidge and potatoes, and he looked kind of scart and went out with his + hand on his pistol pocket, as though he would like to shoot, and Ma she + got up and went around and sat in Pa’s chair. The sponge didn’t hold more + than half a pail full of water, and I didn’t want to play no joke on Ma, + cause the cats nearly broke her up, but she sat down and was just going to + help me, when she rung the bell and called the hired girl, and said she + felt as though her neuralgia was coming on, and she would go to her room, + and told the girl to sit down and help Hennery. The girl sat down and + poured me out some coffee, and then she said. ‘Howly Saint Patrick, but I + blave those pancakes are burning,’ and she went out in the kitchen. I + drank my coffee, and then took the big sponge out of the chair and put the + cushion in the place of it, and then I put the sponge in the bath room, + and I went up to Pa and Ma’s room, and asked them if I should go after the + doctor, and Pa had changed his clothes and got on his Sunday pants, and he + said, ‘never mind the doctor, I guess we will pull through,’ and for me to + get out and go to the devil, and I came over here. Say, there is no harm + in a little warm water, is there? Well, I’d like to know what Pa and Ma + and the hired girl thought. I am the only real healthy one there is in our + family.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HE BECOMES A DRUGGIST—“I HAVE GONE INTO BUSINESS!”—A NEW + ROSE GERANIUM PERFUME—THE BAD BOY IN A DRUGGIST’S STORE— + PRACTICING ON HIS PA—AN EXPLOSION—THE SEIDLETZ POWDER—HIS + PA’S FREQUENT PAINS—POUNDING INDIA-RUBBER—CURING A WART. +</pre> + <p> + “Whew! What is that smells so about this store? It seems as though + everything had turned frowy,” said the grocery man to his clerk, in the + presence of the bad boy, who was standing with his back to the stove, his + coat tails parted with his hands, and a cigarette in his mouth. + </p> + <p> + “May be it is me that smells frowy,” said the boy as he put his thumbs in + the armholes of his vest, and spit at the keyhole in the door. “I have + gone into business.” + </p> + <p> + “By thunder, I believe it is you,” said the grocery man, as he went up to + the boy, snuffed a couple of times, and then held his hand to his nose. + “The board of health will kerosene you, if they ever smell that smell, and + send you to the glue factory. What business you gone into to make you + smell so rank?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you see Pa began to think it was time I learned a trade, or a + perfession, and he saw a sign in a drug store window, ‘Boy Wanted,’ and as + he had a boy he didn’t want, he went to the druggist and got a job for me. + This smell on me will go off in a few weeks. You know I wanted to try all + the perfumery in the store, and after I had got about forty different + extracts on my clothes, another boy that worked there he fixed up a bottle + of benzine and assafety and brimstone, and a whole lot of other horrid + stuff, and labeled it ‘rose geranium,’ and I guess I just wallered in it. + It <i>is</i> awful, aint it? It kerflummixed Ma when I went into the + dining-room the first night that I got home from the store, and broke Pa + all up, He said I reminded him of the time that they had a litter of + skunks under the barn. The air seemed fixed around where I am, and + everybody seems to know who fixed it. A girl came in the store yesterday + to buy a satchet, and there wasn’t anybody there but me, and I didn’t know + what it was, and I took down everything in the store pretty near, before I + found it, and then I wouldn’t have found it only the proprietor came in. + The girl asked the proprietor if there wasn’t a good deal of sewer-gas in + the store, and he told me to go out and shake myself. I think the girl was + mad at me because I got a nursing bottle out of the show case, with a + rubber muzzle, and asked her if that was what she wanted. Well, she told + me a satchet was something for the stummick, and I thought a nursing + bottle was the nearest thing to it.” + </p> + <p> + “I should think you would drive all the customers away from the store,” + said the grocery man, as he opened the door to let the fresh air in. + </p> + <p> + “I don’t know but I will, but I am hired for a month on trial, and I shall + stay. You see, I shan’t practice on anybody but Pa for a spell. I made up + my mind to that when I gave a woman some salts instead of powdered borax, + and she came back mad. Pa seems to want to encourage me, and is willing to + take anything that I ask him to, He had a sore throat and wanted something + for it, and the boss drugger told me to put some tannin and chlorate of + potash in a mortar, and grind it, and I let Pa pound it with the mortar, + and while he was pounding I dropped in a couple of drops of sulphuric + acid, and it exploded and blowed Pa’s hat clear across the store, and Pa + was whiter than a sheet. He said he guessed his throat was all right, and + he wouldn’t come near me again that day. The next day Pa came in and I was + laying for him. I took a white seidletz powder and a blue one, and + dissolved them in separate glasses, and when Pa came in I asked him if he + didn’t want some lemonade, and he said he did, and I gave him the sour one + and he drank it. He said it was too sour, and then I gave him the other + glass, that looked like water, to take the taste out of his mouth, and he + drank it. Well, sir, when those two powders got together in Pa’s stummick, + and began to siz and steam, and foam, Pa pretty near choked to death, and + the suds came out of his nostrils, and his eyes stuck out, and as soon as + he could get his breath he yelled ‘fire,’ and said he was poisoned, and + called for a doctor, but I thought as long as we had a doctor right in the + family there was no use of hiring one, so I got a stomach pump, and I + would have had him baled out in no time, only the proprietor came in and + told me to go and wash some bottles, and he gave Pa a drink of brandy, and + Pa said he felt better.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p115.jpg" alt="A New Way to Take Seidlitz Powders P115 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Pa has learned where we keep the liquor, and he comes in two or three + times a day with a pain in his stomach. They play awful mean tricks on a + boy in a drug store. The first day they put a chunk of something sort of + blue into a mortar, and told me to pulverize it, and then made it up into + two grain pills. Well, sir, I pounded that chunk all the forenoon, and it + never pulverized at all, and the boss told me to hurry up, as the woman + was waiting for the pills, and I mauled it till I was nearly dead, and + when it was time to go to supper the boss came and looked in the mortar, + and took out the chunk, and said, ’You dum fool, you have been pounding + all day on a chunk of India rubber, instead of blue mass!’ Well, how did I + know? But I will get even with them if I stay there long enough, and don’t + you forget it. If you have a prescription you want filled you can come + down to the store and I will put it up for you myself, and then you will + be sure you get what you pay for. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, said the grocery man, as he cut off a piece of limberg cheese and + put on the stove, to purify the air in the room, “I should laugh to see + myself taking any medicine you put up. You will kill some one yet, by + giving them poison instead of quinine. But what has your Pa got his nose + tied up for? He looks as though he had had a fight.” + </p> + <p> + “O, that was from my treatment. He had a wart on his nose. You know that + wart. You remember how the minister told him if other peoples business had + a button-hole in it, Pa could button the wart in the button-hole, as he + always had his nose there. Well, I told Pa I could cure that wart with + caustic, and he said he would give five dollars if I could cure it, so I + took a stick of caustic and burned the wart off, but I guess I burned down + into the nose a little, for it swelled up as big as a lobster. Pa says he + would rather have a whole nest of warts than such a nose, but it will be + all right in a year or two.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HE QUITS THE DRUG BUSINESS. HE HAS DISSOLVED WITH THE + DRUGGER—THE OLD LADY AND THE GIN—THE BAD BOY IGNOMINIOUSLY + FIRED—HOW HE DOSED HIS PA’s BRANDY—THE BAD BOY AS “HAWTY + AS A DOOK”—HE GETS EVEN WITH HIS GIRL—THE BAD BOY WANTS A + QUIET PLACE—THE OLD MAN THREATENS THE PARSON. +</pre> + <p> + “What are you loafing around here for,” says the grocery man to the bad + boy one day this week. “It is after nine o’clock, and I should think you + would want to be down to the drug store. How do you know but there may be + somebody dying for a dose of pills?” + </p> + <p> + “O, darn the drug store. I have got sick of that business, and I have + dissolved with the drugger. I have resigned. The policy of the store did + not meet with my approval, and I have stepped out and am waiting for them + to come and tender me a better position at an increased salary,” said the + boy, as he threw a cigar stub into a barrel of prunes and lit a fresh one. + </p> + <p> + “Resigned, eh?” said the grocery man as he fished out the cigar stub and + charged the boy’s father with two pounds of prunes, “didn’t you and the + boss agree?” + </p> + <p> + “Not exactly, I gave an old lady some gin when she asked for camphor and + water, and she made a show of herself. I thought I would fool her, but she + knew mighty well what it was, and she drank about half a pint of gin, and + got to tipping over bottles and kegs of paint, and when the drug man came + in with his wife, the old woman threw her arms around his neck and called + him her darling, and when he pushed her away, and told her she was drunk, + she picked up a bottle of citrate of magnesia and pointed it at him, and + the cork came out like a pistol, and he thought he was shot, and his wife + fainted away, and the police came and took the old gin refrigerator away, + and then the drug man told me to face the door, and when I wasn’t looking + he kicked me four times, and I landed in the street, and he said if I ever + came in sight of the store again he would kill me dead. That is the way I + resigned. I tell you, they will send for me again. They never can run that + store without me. + </p> + <p> + “I guess they will worry along without you,” said the grocery man. “How + does your Pa take your being fired out? I should think it would brake him + all up.” + </p> + <p> + “O, I think Pa rather likes it. At first he thought he had a soft snap + with me in the drug store, cause he has got to drinking again, like a + fish, and he has gone back on the church entirely; but after I had put a + few things in his brandy he concluded it was cheaper to buy it, and he is + now patronizing a barrel house down by the river. + </p> + <p> + “One day I put some Castile soap in a drink of brandy, and Pa leaned over + the back fence more than an hour, with his finger down his throat. The man + that collects the ashes from the alley asked Pa if he had lost anything, + and Pa said he was only ‘sugaring off.’ I don’t know what that is. When Pa + felt better he came in and wanted a little whiskey to take the taste out + of his mouth, and I gave him some, with about a teaspoonful of pulverized + alum in it. Well, sir, you’d a dide. Pa’s mouth and throat was so puckered + up that he couldn’t talk. I don’t think that drugman will make anything by + firing me out, because I shall turn all the trade that I control to + another store. Why, sir, sometimes there were eight and nine girls in the + store all at wonct, on account of my being there. They came to have me put + extracts on their handkerchiefs, and to eat gum drops—he will lose + all that trade now. My girl that went back on me for the telegraph + messenger boy, she came with the rest of the girls, but she found, that I + could be as ‘hawty as a dook.’ I got even with her, though. I pretended I + wasn’t mad, and when she wanted me to put some perfumery op her + handkerchief I said all right, and I put on a little geranium and white + rose, and then I got some tincture of assafety, and sprinkled it on her + dress and cloak when she went out. That is about the worst smelling stuff + that ever was, and I was glad when she went out and met the telgraph boy + on the corner. They went off together; but he came back pretty soon, about + the homesickest boy you ever saw, and he told my chum he would never go + with that girl again because she smelled like spoiled oysters or sewer + gas. Her folks noticed it, and made her go and wash her feet and soak + herself, and her brother told my chum it didn’t do any good, she smelled + just like a glue factory, and my chum—the darn fool—told her + brother that it was me who perfumed her, and he hit me in the eye with a + frozen fish, down by the fish store, and that’s what made my eye black; + but I know how to cure a black eye. I have not been in a drug store eight + days, and not know how to cure a black eye; and I guess I learned that + girl not to go back on a boy ’cause he smelled like a goat. + </p> + <p> + “Well, what was it about your leaving the wrong medicine at houses? The + policeman in this ward told me you come pretty near killing several people + by leaving the wrong medicine.” + </p> + <p> + “The way of it was this. There was about a dozen different kinds of + medicine to leave at different places, and I was in a hurry to go to the + roller skating rink, so I got my chum to help me, and we just took the + numbers of the houses, and when we rung the bell we would hand out the + first package we come to, and I understand there was a good deal of + complaint. One old maid who ordered powder for her face, her ticket drew + some worm lozengers, and she kicked awfully, and a widow who was going to + be married, she ordered a celluloid comb and brush, and she got a nursing + bottle with a rubber nozzle, and a toothing ring, and she made quite a + fuss; but the woman who was weaning her baby and wanted the nursing + bottle, she got the comb and brush and some blue pills, and she never made + any fuss at all. It makes a good deal of difference, I notice, whether a + person gets a better thing than they ordered or not. But the drug business + is too lively for me. I have got to have a quiet place, and I guess I will + be a cash boy in a store. Pa says he thinks I was cut out for a bunko + steerer, and I may look for that kind of a job. Pa he is a terror since he + got to drinking again. He came home the other day, when the minister was + calling on Ma, and just cause the minister was sitting on the sofa with + Ma, and had his hand on her shoulder, where she said the pain was when the + rheumatiz came on, Pa was mad and told the minister he would kick his + liver clear around on the other side if he caught him there again, and Ma + felt awful about it. After the minister had gone away, Ma told Pa he had + got no feeling at all, and Pa said he had got enough feeling for one + family, and he didn’t want no sky-sharp to help him. He said he could cure + all the rheumatiz there was around his house, and then he went down town + and didn’t get home till most breakfast time. Ma says she thinks I am + responsible for Pa’s falling into bad ways again, and now I am going to + cure him. You watch me, and see if I don’t have Pa in the church in less + than a week, praying and singing, and going home with the choir singers, + just as pious as ever. I am going to get a boy that writes a woman’s hand + to write to Pa, and—but I must not give it away. But you just watch + Pa, that’s all. Well, I must go and saw some wood. It is coming down a + good deal, from a drug clerk to sawing wood, but I will get on top yet, + and don’t you forget it.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA KILLS HIM—A GENIUS AT WHISTLING—A FUR-LINED CLOAK A + SURE CURE FOR CONSUMPTION—ANOTHER LETTER SENT TO THE OLD + MAN—HE RESOLVES ON IMMEDIATE PUNISHMENT—THE BLADDER-BUFFER + THE EXPLOSION—A TRAGIC SCENE—HIS PA VOWS TO REFORM. +</pre> + <p> + “For heaven’s sake dry up that whistling,” said the grocery man to the bad + boy, as he sat on a bag of peanuts, whistling and filling his pockets. + “There is no sense in such whistling. What do you whistle for, anyway?” + </p> + <p> + “I am practicing my profession,” said the boy, as he got up and stretched + himself, and cut off a slice of cheese, and took a few crackers. “I have + always been a good whistler, and I have decided to turn my talent to + account. I am going to hire an office and put out a sign, ‘Boy furnished + to whistle for lost dogs.’ You see there are dogs lost every day, and any + man would give half a dollar to a boy to find his dog. I can hire out to + whistle for dogs, and can go around whistling and enjoying myself, and + make money, Don’t you think it is a good scheme?” asked the boy of the + grocery man. + </p> + <p> + “Naw,” said the grocery man, as he charged the cheese to the boy’s father, + and picked up his cigar stub, which he had left on the counter, and which + the boy had rubbed on the kerosene barrel, “No, sir, that whistle would + scare any dog that heard it. Say, what was your Pa running after the + doctor in his shirt sleeves for last Sunday morning? He looked scared. Was + your Ma sick again?” + </p> + <p> + “O, no, Ma is healthy enough, now she has got a new fur lined cloak. She + played consumption on Pa, and coughed so she liked to raise her lights and + liver, and made Pa believe she couldn’t live, and got the doctor to + prescribe a fur lined circular, and Pa went and got one, and Ma has + improved awfully. Her cough is all gone, and she can walk ten miles. I was + the one that was sick. You see, I wanted to get Pa into the church again, + and get him to stop drinking, so I got a boy to write a letter to him, in + a female hand, and sign the name of a choir singer Pa was mashed on, and + tell him she was yearning for him to come back to the church, and that the + church seemed a blank without his smiling face, and benevolent heart, and + to please come back for her sake. Pa got the letters Saturday night and he + seemed tickled, but I guess he dreamed about it all night, and Sunday + morning he was mad, and he took me by the ear and said I couldn’t come no + ’Daisy’ business on him the second time. He said he knew I wrote the + letter, and for me to go up to the store room and prepare for the + almightiest licking a boy ever had, and he went down stairs and broke up + an apple barrel and got a stave to whip me with. Well, I had to think + mighty quick, but I was enough for him. I got a dried bladder in my room, + one that me and my chum got to the slotter house, and blowed it partly up, + so it would be sort of flat-like, and I put it down inside the back part + of my pants, right about where Pa hits when he punishes me. I knowed when + the barrel stave hit the bladder it would explode. Well, Pa he came up and + found me crying. I can cry just as easy as you can turn on the water at a + faucet, and Pa took off his coat and looked sorry. I was afraid he would + give up whipping me when he see me cry, and I wanted the bladder + experiment to go on, so I looked kind of hard, as if I was defying him to + do his worst, and then he took me by the neck and laid me across a trunk. + I didn’t dare struggle much for fear the bladder would loose itself, and + Pa said, ‘Now Hennery, I am going to break you of this damfoolishness, or + I will break your back,’ and he spit on his hands and brought the barrel + stave down on my best pants. Well, you’d a dide if you had heard the + explosion. It almost knocked me off the trunk. It sounded like firing a + firecracker away down cellar in a barrel, and Pa looked scared. I rolled + off the trunk, on the floor, and put some flour on my face, to make me + look pale, and then I kind of kicked my legs like a fellow who is dying on + the stage, after being stabbed with a piece of lath, and groaned, and + said, ‘Pa you have killed me, but I forgive you,’ and then rolled around, + and frothed at the mouth, cause I had a piece of soap in my mouth to make + foam. Well, Pa, was all broke up. He said, ‘Great God, what have I done? I + have broke his spinal column. O, my poor boy, do not die?’ I kept chewing + the soap and foaming at the mouth, and I drew my legs up and kicked them + out, and clutched my hair, and rolled my eyes, and then kicked Pa in the + stummick as he bent over me, and knocked his breath out of him, and then + my limbs began to get rigid, and I said, ‘Too late, Pa, I die at the hand + of an assassin. Go for a doctor.’” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p127.jpg" + alt="Too Late, Pa, I Die at the Hand of an Assassin P127 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Pa throwed his coat over me, and started down stairs on a run, ‘I have + murdered my brave boy,’ and he told Ma to go up stairs and stay with me, + cause I had fallen off a trunk and ruptured a blood vessel, and he went + after a doctor. When he went out the front door, I sat up and lit a + cigarette, and Ma came up and I told her all about how I fooled Pa, and if + she would take on and cry, when Pa got back, I would get him to go to + church again, and swear off drinking and she said she would. + </p> + <p> + “So when Pa and the doc. came back, Ma was sitting on a velocipede I used + to ride, which was in the store-room, and she had her apron over her face, + and she just more than bellowed. Pa he was pale, and he told the doc. he + was just a playing with me with a little piece of board, and he heard + something crack, and he guessed my spine got broke falling off the trunk. + The doctor wanted to feel where my spine was broke, but I opened my eyes + and had a vacant kind of stare, like a woman who leads a dog by a string, + and looked as though my mind was wandering, and I told the doctor there + was no use setting my spine, as it was broke in several places, and I + wouldn’t let him feel of the dried bladder. I told Pa I was going to die, + and I wanted him to promise me two things on my dying bed. He cried and + said he would, and I told him to promise me he would quit drinking, and + attend church regular, and he said he would never drink another drop, and + would go to church every Sunday. I made him get down on his knees beside + me and swear it, and the doc. witnessed it, and Ma said she was so glad, + and Ma called the doctor out in in the hall and told him the joke, and the + doc. came in and told Pa he was afraid Pa’s presence would excite the + patient, and for him to put on his coat and go out and walk around the + block, or go to church, and Ma and he would remove me to another room, and + do all that was possible to make my last hours pleasant. Pa he cried, and + said he would put on his plug hat and go to church, and he kissed me, and + got flour on his nose, and I came near laughing right out, to see the + white flour on his red nose, when I thought how the people in church would + laugh at Pa. But he went out feeling mighty bad, and then I got up and + pulled the bladder out of my pants, and Ma and the doc. laughed awful. + When Pa got back from church and asked for me, Ma said that I had gone + down town. She said the doctor found my spine was only uncoupled and he + coupled it together, and I was all right. Pa said it was ‘almighty + strange, cause I heard the spine break, when I struck him with the barrel + stave.’ Pa was nervous all the afternoon, and Ma thinks he suspects that + we played it on him. Say, you don’t think there is any harm in playing it + on an old man a little for a good cause, do you?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said he supposed, in the interest of reform it was all + right, but if it was his boy that played such tricks he would take an ax + to him, and the boy went out, apparently encouraged, saying he hadn’t seen + the old man since the day before, and he was almost afraid to meet him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA MORTIFIED—SEARCHING FOR SEWER GAS—THE POWERFUL ODOR + OF LIMBERGER CHEESE AT CHURCH—THE AFTER MEETING—FUMIGATING + THE HOUSE—THE BAD BOY RESOLVES TO BOARD AT AN HOTEL. +</pre> + <p> + “What was the health officer doing over to your house this morning?” said + the grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth was firing frozen potatoes at + the man who collects garbage in the alley. + </p> + <p> + “O, they are searching for sewer gas and such things, and they have got + plumbers and other society experts till you can’t rest, and I came away + for fear they would find the sewer gas and warm my jacket. Say, do you + think it is right, when anything smells awfully, to always lay it to a + boy?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, in nine cases out of ten they would hit it right, but what do you + think is the trouble over to your house, honest?” + </p> + <p> + “S-h-h! Now don’t breathe a word of it to a living soul, or I am a dead + boy. You see I was over to the dairy fair at the exposition building + Saturday night, and when they were breaking up, me and my chum helped to + carry boxes of cheese and firkins of butter, and a cheese-man gave each of + us a piece of limberger cheese, wrapped up in tin foil. Sunday morning I + opened my piece, and it made me tired. O, it was the offulest smell I ever + heard of, except the smell when they found a tramp who hung himself in the + woods on the Whitefish Bay road, and had been dead three weeks. It was + just like a old back number funeral. Pa and Ma were just getting ready to + go to church, and I cut off a piece of cheese and put it in the inside + pocket of Pa’s vest, and I put another in the lining of Ma’s muff, and + they went to church. I went down to church, too, and sat on a back seat + with my chum, looking just as pious as though I was taking up a + collection. The church was pretty warm, and by the time they got up to + sing the first hymn Pa’s cheese began to smell a match against Ma’s + cheese.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0016" id="linkimage-0016"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p131.jpg" alt="Just As I Am P131 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Pa held one side of the hymn book and Ma held the other, and Pa he always + sings for all that is out, and when he braced himself and sang “Just as I + am,” Ma thought Pa’s voice was tinctured a little with biliousness and she + looked at him, and hunched him and told him to stop singing and breathe + through his nose, cause his breath was enough to stop a clock. Pa stopped + singing and turned around kind of cross towards Ma, and then he smelled + Ma’s cheese, and He turned his head the other way and said, ‘whew,’ and + they didn’t sing any more, but they looked at each other as though they + smelled frowy. When they sat down they sat as far apart as they could get, + and Pa sat next to a woman who used to be a nurse in a hospital, and when + she smelled Pa’s cheese she looked at him as though she thought he had the + small pox, and she held her handkerchief to her nose. The man in the other + end of the pew, that Ma sat near, he was a stranger from Racine, who + belongs to our church, and he looked at Ma sort of queer, and after the + minister prayed, and they got up to sing again, the man took his hat and + went out, and when he came by me he said something in a whisper about a + female glue factory. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, before the sermon was over everybody in that part of the + church had their handkerchiefs to their noses, and they looked at Pa and + Ma scandalous, and the two ushers they come around in the pews looking for + a dog, and when the minister got over his sermon, and wiped the + perspiration off his face, he said he would like to have the trustees of + the church stay after meeting, as there was some business of importance to + transact. He said the question of proper ventilation and sewerage for the + church would be brought up, and that he presumed the congregation had + noticed this morning that the church was unusually full of sewer gas. He + said he had spoken of the matter before, and expected it would be attended + to before this. He said he was a meek and humble follower of the lamb, and + was willing to cast his lot wherever the Master decided, but he would be + blessed if he would preach any longer in a church that smelled like a bone + boiling establishment. He said religion was a good thing, but no person + could enjoy religion as well in a fat rending establishment as he could in + a flower garden, and as far as he was concerned he had got enough. + Everybody looked at everybody else, and Pa looked at Ma as though he knew + where the sewer gas came from, and Ma looked at Pa real mad, and me and my + chum lit out, and I went home and distributed my cheese all around. I put + a slice in Ma’s bureau drawer, down under her underclothes, and a piece in + the spare room, under the bed, and a piece in the bath-room, in the soap + dish, and a slice in the album on the parlor table, and a piece in the + library in a book, and I went to the dining room and put some under the + table, and dropped a piece under the range in the kitchen. I tell you the + house was loaded for bear. Ma came home from church first, and when I + asked where Pa was, she said she hoped he had gone to walk around a block + to air hisself. Pa came home to dinner, and when he got a smell of the + house he opened all the doors, and Ma put a comfortable around her + shoulders and told Pa he was a disgrace to civilization. She tried to get + Pa to drink some carbolic acid. Pa finally convinced Ma it was not him, + and then they decided it was the house that smelled so, as well as the + church, and all Sunday afternoon they went visiting, and this morning Pa + went down to the health office and got the inspector of nuisances to come + up to the house, and when he smelled around a spell he said there was dead + rats in the main sewer pipe, and they sent for plumbers, and Ma went out + to a neighbors to borry some fresh air, and when the plumbers began to dig + up the floor in the basement I came over here. If they find any of that + limberg cheese it will go hard with me. The hired girls have both quit, + and Ma says she is going to break up keeping house and board. That is just + into my hand, I want to board at a hotel, where you can have a + bill-of-fare and tooth picks, and billiards, and everything. Well I guess + I will go over to the house and stand in the back door and listen to the + mocking bird. If you see me come flying out of the alley with my coat tail + full of boots you can bet they have discovered the sewer gas.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA BROKE UP—THE BAD BOY DON’T THINK THE GROCER FIT FOH + HEAVEN—HE IS VERY SEVERE ON HIS OLD FRIEND—THE NEED OF A + NEW REVISED EDITION—THE BAD BOY TURNS REVISER—HIS PA + REACHES FOR THE POKER—A SPECIAL PROVIDENCE—THE SLED + SLEWED!—HIS PA UNDER THE MULES. +</pre> + <p> + “Well, I guess I will go to hell. I will see you later,” said the bad boy + to the grocery man, as he held a cracker under the faucet of the syrup + keg, and then sat down on a soap box by the stove and proceeded to make a + lunch, while the grocery man charged the boy’s father with a gallon of + syrup and a pound of crackers. + </p> + <p> + “What do you mean, you profane wretch, talking about meeting me later in + Hades,” said the indignant grocery man. “I expect to pass by the hot place + where you are sizzling, and go to the realms of bliss, where there is one + continued round of hap-hiness, and angels playing on golden harps, and + singing hymns of praise.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, Pa says I will surely go to hell, and I thought you would probably + be there, as it costs something to get to heaven, and you can get to the + other place for nothing. Say, you would be a healthy delegate to go to + heaven, with a lot of girl angels, wouldn’t you, smelling of frowy butter, + as you always do, and kerosene, and herring, and bar soap, and cheese, and + rotten potatoes. Say, an angel wouldn’t stay on the same golden street + with you, without holding her handkerchief to her nose, and you couldn’t + get in there, anyway, cause you would want to pay your entrance fee out of + the store. + </p> + <p> + “Say, you get out of here, condemn you. You are getting sassy. There is no + one that is more free hearted than I am,” said the grocery man. + </p> + <p> + “O, give us a <i>siesta</i>. I am onto you bigger than an elevator. When + they had the oyster sociable at the church, you gave four pounds of musty + crackers with worms in, and they tasted of kerosene, and when the minister + prayed for those who had generously contributed to the sociable, you + raised up your head as though you wanted them all to know he meant you. If + a man can get to heaven on four pounds of musty crackers, done up in a + paper that has been around mackerel, then what’s the use of a man being + good, and giving sixteen ounces to the pound? But, there, don’t blush, and + cry. I will use my influence to get your feet onto the golden streets of + the New Jerusalem, but you have got to quit sending those small potatoes + to our house, with a few big ones on top of the basket. I’ll tell you how + it was that Pa told me I would go to hell. You see Pa has been reading out + of an old back number bible, and Ma and me argued with him about getting a + new revised edition. We told him that the old one was all out of style, + and that all the neighbors had the newest cut in bibles, with dolman + sleeves, and gathered in the back, and they put on style over us, and we + could not hold up our heads in society when it was known that we were + wearing the old last year’s bible. Pa kicked against it, but finally got + one. I thought I had as much right to change things in the revised bible, + as the other fellows had to change the old one, so I pasted some mottoes + and patent medicine advertisements in it, after the verses. Pa never reads + a whole chapter, but reads a verse or two and skips around. Before + breakfast, the other morning, Pa got the new bible and started to read the + ten commandments, and some other things. The first thing Pa struck was, + ‘Verily I say unto you, try St. Jacobs oil for rheumatism.’ Pa looked over + his specks at Ma, and then looked at me, but I had my face covered with my + hands, sort of pious. Pa said he didn’t think it was just the thing to put + advertisements in the bible, but Ma said she didn’t know as it was any + worse than to have a patent medicine notice next to Beecher’s sermon in + the religious paper. Pa sighed and turned over a few leaves, and read, + ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his ox, if you love me as I + love you no knife can cut our love in two.’ That last part was a motto + that I got out of a paper of candy. Pa said that the sentiment was good, + but he didn’t think the revisers had improved the old commandment very + much. Then Pa turned over and read, ‘Take a little wine for the stomach’s + sake, and keep a bottle of Reed’s Gilt Edged tonic on your side-board, and + you can defy malaria, and chills and fever.’ Pa was hot. He looked at it + again, and noticed that the tonic commandment was on yellow paper, and the + corner curled up, and Pa took hold of it, and the paste that I stuck it on + with was not good, and it come off, and when I saw Pa lay down the bible, + and put his spectacles in the case, and reach for the fire poker, I knew + he was not going to pray, and I looked out the window and yelled dog + fight, and I lit out, and Pa followed me as far as the sidewalk, and it + was that morning when it was so slippery, and Pa’s feet slipped out from + under him, and he stood on his neck, and slid around on his ear, and the + special providence of sleet on the sidewalk saved me. Say, do you believe + in special providence? What was the use of that sleet on the sidewalk, if + it was not to save sinners?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0017" id="linkimage-0017"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p138.jpg" alt="Special Providences for a Bad Boy P138 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “O, I don’t know anything about special providences,” said the grocery + man, “but I know you have got two of your pockets filled with them + boneless raisins since you have been talking, and my opinion is you will + steal. But, say, what is your Pa on crutches for? I see him hobbling down + town this morning. Has he sprained his ankle?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I guess his ankle got sprained with all the rest. You see, my chum + and me went bobbing, and Pa said he supposed he used to be the greatest + bobber, when he was a boy, that ever was. He said he used to slide down a + hill that was steeper than a church steeple. We asked him to go with us, + and we went to that street that goes down by the depot, and we had two + sleds hitched together, and there were mor’n a hundred boys, and Pa wanted + to steer, and he got on the front sled, and when we got about half way + down the sled slewed, and my chum and me got off all right, but Pa got + shut up between the two sleds, and the other boys behind fell over Pa and + one sled runner caught him in the trowsers leg, and dragged him over the + slippery ice clear to the bottom, and the whole lay out run into the + street car, and the mules got wild and kicked, and Pa’s suspenders broke, + and when my chum and me got down there Pa was under the car, and a boy’s + boots was in Pa’s shirt bosom, and another boy was straddle of Pa’s neck, + and the crowd rushed up from the depot, and got Pa out, and began to yell + ‘fire,’ and ‘police,’ and he kicked at a boy that was trying to get his + sled out of the small of Pa’s back, and a policeman came along and pushed + Pa and said, ‘Go away from here, ye owld divil, and let the b’ys enjoy + themselves,’ and he was going to arrest Pa, when me and my chum told him + we would take Pa home. Pa said the hill was not steep enough for him, or + he wouldn’t have fell off. He is offul stiff to-day: but he says he will + go skating with us next week, and show us how to skate. Pa means well, but + he don’t realize that he is getting stiff and can’t be as kitteny as he + used to be. He is very kind to me, If I had some fathers I would have been + a broken backed, disfigured angel long ago. Don’t you think so?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said he was sure of it, and the boy got out with his + boneless raisins, and pocket full of lump sugar. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GOES SKATING—THE BAD BOY CARVES A TURKEY—HIS PA’S + FAME AS A SKATER—THE OLD MAN ESSAYS TO SKATE ON ROLLERS— + HIS WILD CAPERS—HE SPREADS HIMSELF—HOLIDAYS A CONDEMNED + NUISANCE—THE BAY BOY’S CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. +</pre> + <p> + “What is that stuff on your shirt bosom, that looks like soap grease?” + said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came into the grocery the + morning after Christmas. + </p> + <p> + The boy looked at his shirt front, put his fingers on the stuff and + smelled of his fingers, and then said, “O, that is nothing but a little of + the turkey dressing and gravy. You see after Pa and I got back from the + roller skating rink yesterday, Pa was all broke up and he couldn’t carve + the turkey, and I had to do it, and Pa sat in a stuffed chair with his + head tied up, and a pillow amongst his legs, and he kept complaining that + I didn’t do it right. Gol darn a turkey any way. I should think they would + make a turkey flat on the back, so he would lay on a greasy platter + without skating all around the table. It looks easy to see Pa carve a + turkey, but when I speared into the bosom of that turkey, and began to saw + on it, the turkey rolled-around as though it was on castors, and it was + all I could do to keep it out of Ma’s lap. But I rasseled with it till I + got off enough white meat for Pa and Ma and dark meat enough for me, and I + dug out the dressing, but most of it flew into my shirt bosom, cause the + string that tied up the place where the dressing was concealed about the + person of the turkey, broke prematurely, and one oyster hit Pa in the eye, + and he said I was as awkward as a cross-eyed girl trying to kiss a man + with a hair lip. If I ever get to be the head of a family I shall carve + turkeys with a corn sheller.” + </p> + <p> + “But what broke your Pa up at the roller skating rink,” asked the grocery + man. + </p> + <p> + “O, everything broke him up. He is, split up so Ma buttons the top of his + pants to his collar button, like a by cycle rider. Well, he no business to + have told me and my chum that he used to be the best skater in North + America, when he was a boy. He said he skated once from Albany to New York + in an hour and eighty minutes. Me and my chum thought if Pa was such a + terror on skates we would get him to put on a pair of roller skates and + enter him as the “great unknown,” and clean out the whole gang. We told Pa + that he must remember that roller skates were different from ice skates, + and that maybe he couldn’t skate on them, but he said it didn’t make any + difference what they were as long as they were skates, and he would just + paralyze the whole crowd. So we got a pair of big roller skates for him, + and while we were strapping them on, Pa he looked at the skaters glide + around on the smooth wax floor just as though they were greased. Pa looked + at the skates on his feet, after they were fastened, sort of forlorn like, + the way a horse thief does when they put shackles on his legs, and I told + him if he was afraid he couldn’t skate with them we would take them off, + but he said he would beat anybody there was there, or bust a suspender. + Then we straightened Pa up, and pointed him towards the middle of the + room, and he said, “leggo,” and we just give him a little push to start + him, and he began to go. + </p> + <p> + “Well, by gosh, you’d a dide to have seen Pa try to stop. You see, you + can’t stick in your heel and stop, like you can on ice skates, and Pa soon + found that out, and he began to turn sideways, and then he threw his arms + and walked on his heels, and he lost his hat, and his eyes began to stick + out, cause he was going right towards an iron post. One arm caught the + post and he circled around it a few times, and then he let go and began to + fall, and, sir, he kept falling all across the room, and everybody got out + of the way, except a girl, and Pa grabbed her by the polonaise, like a + drowning man grabs at straws, though there wasn’t any straws in her + polonaise as I know of, but Pa just pulled her along as though she was + done up in a shawl-strap, and his feet went out from under him and he + struck on his shoulders and kept a going, with the girl dragging along + like a bundle of clothes.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0018" id="linkimage-0018"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p143.jpg" alt="Pa Grabbed Her by the Polonaise P143 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “If Pa had had another pair of roller skates on his shoulders, and castors + on his ears, he couldn’t have slid along any better. Pa is a short, big + man, and as he was rolling along on his back, he looked like a sofa with + castors on being pushed across a room by a girl. Finally Pa came to the + wall and had to stop, and the girl fell right across him, with her roller + skates in his neck, and she called him an old brute, and told him if he + didn’t let go of her polonaise she would murder him. Just then my chum and + me got there and we amputated Pa from the girl, and lifted him up, and + told him for heaven’s sake to let us take off the skates, cause he + couldn’t skate any more than a cow, and Pa was mad and said for us to let + him alone, and he could skate all right, and we let go and he struck out + again. Well, sir, I was ashamed. An old man like Pa ought to know better + than to try to be a boy. This last time Pa said he was going to spread + himself, and if I am any judge of a big spread, he did spread himself. + Somehow the skates had got turned around side-ways on his feet, and his + feet got to going in different directions, and Pa’s feet were getting so + far apart that I was afraid I would have two Pa’s, half the size, with one + leg apiece. + </p> + <p> + “I tried to get him to take up a collection of his legs, and get them both + in the same ward but his arms flew around and one hit me on the nose, and + I thought if he wanted to strike the best friend he had, he could run his + old legs hisself. When he began to seperate I could hear the bones crack, + but maybe it was his pants, but anyway he came down on the floor like one + of these fellows in a circus who spreads hissel, and he kept going and + finally he surrounded an iron post with his legs, and stopped, and looked + pale, and the proprietor of the rink told Pa if he wanted to give a flying + trapeze performance he would have to go to the gymnasium, and he couldn’t + skate on his shoulders any more, cause other skaters were afraid of him. + Then Pa said he would kick the liver out of the proprietor of the rink, + and he got up and steaded himself, and then he tried to kick the man, but + both heels went up to wonct, and Pa turned a back summersault and struck + right on his vest in front. I guess it knocked the breath out of him, for + he didn’t speak for a few minutes, and then he wanted to go home, and we + put him in a street car, and he laid down on the hay and rode home. O, the + work we had to get Pa’s clothes off. He had cricks in his back, and + everywhere, and Ma was away to one of the neighbors, to look at the + presents, and I had to put liniment on Pa, and I made a mistake and got a + bottle of furniture polish, and put it on Pa and rubbed it in, and when Ma + came home, Pa smelled like a coffin at a charity funeral, and Ma said + there was no way of getting that varnish off of Pa till it wore off. Pa + says holidays are a condemned nuisance anyway. He will have to stay in the + house all this week. + </p> + <p> + “You are pretty rough on the old man,” said the grocery man, “after he has + been so kind to you and given you nice presents.” + </p> + <p> + “Nice presents nothin. All I got was a ’come to Jesus’ Christmas card, + with brindle fringe, from Ma, and Pa gave me a pair of his old suspenders, + and a calender with mottoes for every month, some quotations from + scripture, such as ‘honor thy father and mother,’ and ‘evil communications + corrupt two in the bush,’ and ‘a bird in the hand beats two pair.’ Such + things don’t help a boy to be good. What a boy wants is club skates, and + seven shot revolvers, and such things. Well, I must go and help Pa roll + over in bed, and put on a new porous plaster. Good bye.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GOES CALLING—HIS PA STARTS FORTH—A PICTURE OF THE + OLD MAN “FULL “—POLITENESS AT A WINTER PICNIC—ASSAULTED BY + SANDBAGGERS—RESOLVED TO DRINK NO MORE COFFEE—A GIRL FULL + OF “AIG NOGG.” + </pre> + <p> + “Say, you are getting too alfired smart,” said the grocery man to the bad + boy as he pushed him into a corner by the molasses barrel, and took him by + the neck and choked him so his eyes stuck out. “You have driven away + several of my best customers, and now, confound you, I am going to have + your life,” and he took up a cheese knife and began to sharpen it on his + boot. + </p> + <p> + “What’s the—gurgle—matter,” asked the choking boy, as the + grocery man’s fingers let up on his throat a little, so he could speak. “I + haint done nothin.” + </p> + <p> + “Didn’t you hang up that dead gray torn cat by the heels, in front of my + store, with the rabbits I had for sale? I didn’t notice it until the + minister called me out in front of the store, and pointing to the rabbits, + asked what good fat cats were selling for. By crimus, this thing has got + to stop. You have got to move out of this ward or I will.” + </p> + <p> + The boy got his breath and said it wasn’t him that put the cat up there. + He said it was the policeman, and he and his chum saw him do it, and he + just come in to tell the grocery man about it, and before he could speak + he had his neck nearly pulled off. The boy began to cry, and the grocery + man said he was only joking, and gave him a box of sardines, and they made + up. Then he asked the boy how his Pa put in his New Years, and the boy + sighed and said: + </p> + <p> + “We had a sad time at our house New Years. Pa insisted on making calls, + and Ma and me tried to prevent it, but he said he was of age, and guessed + he could make calls if he wanted to, so he looked at the morning paper and + got the names of all the places where they were going to receive, and he + turned his paper collar, and changed ends with his cuffs, and put some + arnica on his handkerchief, and started out. Ma told him not to drink + anything, and he said he wouldn’t, but he did. He was full the third place + he went to. O, so full. Some men can get full and not show it, but when Pa + gets full, he gets so full his back teeth float, and the liquor crowds his + eyes out, and his mouth gets loose and wiggles all over his face, and he + laughs all the time, and the perspiration just oozes out of him, and his + face gets red, and he walks <i>so</i> wide. O, he disgraced us all. At one + place he wished the hired girl a happy new year more than twenty times, + and hung his hat on her elbow, and tried to put on a rubber hall mat for + his over shoes. At another place he walked up a lady’s train, and carried + away a card basket full of bananas and oranges. Ma wanted my chum and me + to follow Pa and bring him home, and about dark we found him in the door + yard of a house where they have statues in front of the house, and he + grabbed me by the arm, and mistook me for another caller, and insisted on + introducing me to a marble statue without any clothes on. He said it was a + friend of his, and it was a winter picnic.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0019" id="linkimage-0019"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p149.jpg" alt="Happy New Year Mum P149 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “He hung his hat on an evergreen, and put his overcoat on the iron fence, + and I was so mortified I almost cried. My chum said if his Pa made such a + circus of himself he would sand bag him. That gave me an idea, and when we + got Pa most home I went and got a paper box covered with red paper, so it + looked just like a brick, and a bottle of tomato ketchup, and when we got + Pa up on the steps at home I hit him with the paper brick, and my chum + squirted the ketchup on his head, and we demanded his money, and then he + yelled murder, and we lit out, and Ma and the minister, who was making a + call on her, all the afternoon; they came to the door and pulled Pa in. He + said he had been attacked by a band of robbers, and they knocked his + brains out, but he whipped them, and then Ma saw the ketchup brains oozing + out of his head, and she screamed, and the minister said, ‘Good heavens he + is murdered,’ and just then I came in the back door and they sent me after + the doctor, and they put him on the lounge, and tied up his head with a + towel to keep the brains in, and Pa began to snore, and when the doctor + came in it took them half an hour to wake him, and then he was awful sick + to his stummick, and then Ma asked the doctor if he would live, and the + doc. analyzed the ketchup and smelled of it and told Ma he would be all + right if he had a little Worcester sauce to put on with the ketchup, and + when he said Pa would pull through, Ma looked awful sad. Then Pa opened + his eyes and saw the minister and said that was one of the robbers that + jumped on him, and he wanted to whip the minister, but the doc. held Pa’s + arms and Ma sat on his legs, and the minister said he had got some other + calls to make, and he wished Ma a happy new year in the hall, much as + fifteen minutes. His happy new year to Ma is most as long as his prayers. + Well, we got Pa to bed, and when we undressed him we found nine napkins in + the bosom of his vest, that he had picked up at the places where he + called. He is all right this morning, but he says it is the last time he + will drink coffee when he makes New Year’s calls.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, then you didn’t have much fun yourself on New Years. That’s too + bad,” said the grocery man, as he looked at the sad eyed youth. “But you + look hard. If you were old enough I should say you had been drunk, your + eyes are so red.” + </p> + <p> + “Didn’t have any fun eh? Well, I wish I had as many collars as I had fun. + You see, after Pa got to sleep Ma wanted me and my chum to go to the + houses that Pa had called at and return the napkins he had Kleptomaniaced, + so we dressed up and went. The first house we called at the girls were + sort of demoralized. I don’t know as I ever saw a girl drunk, but those + girls acted queer. The callers had stopped coming, and the girls were + drinking something out of shaving cups that looked like lather, and they + said it was ‘aignogg.’ They laffed and kicked up their heels wuss nor a + circus, and their collars got unpinned, and their faces was red, and they + put their arms around me and my chum and hugged us and asked us if we + didn’t want some of the custard. You’d a dide to see me and my chum drink + that lather. It looked just like soap suds with nutmaig in it, but by gosh + it got in its work sudden. At first I was afraid when the girls hugged me, + but after I had drank a couple of shaving cups full of the ’aignogg’ I + wasn’t afraid no more, and I hugged a girl so hard she catched her breath + and panted and said, ‘O, don’t.’ Then I kissed her, and she is a great big + girl, bigger’n me, but she didn’t care. Say, did you ever kiss a girl full + of aignogg? If you did it would break up your grocery business. You would + want to waller in bliss instead of selling mackerel. My chum ain’t no + slouch either. He was sitting in a stuffed chair holding another New + Year’s girl, and I could hear him kiss her so it sounded like a cutter + scraping on bare ground. But the girl’s Pa came in and said he guessed it + was time to close the place, unless they had a license for an all night + house, and me and my chum went out. But <i>wasn’t</i> we sick when we got + out doors. O, it seemed as though the pegs in my boots was the only thing + that kept them down, and my chum he like to dide. He had been to dinner + and supper and I had only been skating all day, so he had more to contend + with than I did. O, my, but that lets me out on aignogg. I don’t know how + I got home, but I got in bed with Pa, cause Ma was called away to attend a + baby matinee in the night. I don’t know how it is, but there never is + anybody in our part of the town that has a baby but they have it in the + night, and they send for Ma. I don’t know what she has to be sent for + every time for. Ma ain’t to blame for all the young ones in this town, but + she has got up a reputashun, and when we hear the bell ring in the night + Ma gets up and begins to put on her clothes, and the next morning she + comes in the dining room with a shawl over her head, and says, ‘its a girl + and weighs ten pounds,’ or a boy, if its a boy baby. Ma was out on one of + her professional engagements, and I got in bed with Pa. I had heard Pa + blame Ma about her cold feet, so I got a piece of ice about as big as a + raisin box, just zactly like one of Ma’s feet, and I laid it right against + the small of Pa’s back. I couldn’t help laffing, but pretty soon Pa began + to squirm and he said, ‘Why’n ’ell don’t you warm them feet before you + come to bed,’ and then he hauled back his leg and kicked me clear out in + the middle of the floor, and said if he married again he would marry a + woman who had lost both of her feet in a railroad accident. Then I put the + ice back in the bed with Pa and went to my room, and in the morning Pa + said he sweat more’n a pail full in the night. Well, you must excuse me, I + have an engagement to shovel snow off the side-walk. But before I go, let + me advise you not to drink aignogg, and don’t sell torn cats for rabbits,” + and he got out the door just in time to miss the rutabaga that the grocery + man threw at him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA DISSECTED—THE MISERIES OP THE MUMPS—NO PICKLES + THANK YOU—ONE MORE EFFORT TO REFORM THE OLD MAN—THE BAD + BOY PLAYS MEDICAL STUDENT—PROCEEDS TO DISSECT HIS PA— + “GENTLEMEN I AM NOT DEAD!”—SAVED FROM THE SCALPEL!—“NO + MORE WHISKY FOR YOU.” + </pre> + <p> + “I understand your Pa has got to drinking again like a fish,” says the + grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth came in the grocery and took a + handful of dried apples. The boy ate a dried apple and then made up a + terrible face, and the grocery man asked him what he was trying to do with + his face. The boy caught his breath and then said: + </p> + <p> + “Say, don’t you know any better than to keep dried apples where a boy can + get hold of them when he has got the mumps? You will kill some boy yet by + such dum carelessness. I thought these were sweet dried apples, but they + are sour as a boarding house keeper, and they make me tired. Didn’t you + ever have the mumps? Gosh, but don’t it hurt though? You have got to be + darn careful when you have the mumps, and not go out bob-sledding, or + skating, or you will have your neck swell up biggern a milk pail. Pa says + he had the mumps once when he was a boy and it broke him all up. + </p> + <p> + “Well, never mind the mumps, how about your Pa spreeing it. Try one of + those pickles in the jar there, wont you. I always like to have a boy + enjoy himself when he comes to see me,” said the grocery man, winking to a + man who was filling and old fashioned tin box with tobacco out of the + pail, who winked back as much as to say, “if that boy eats a pickle on top + of them mumps we will have a circus, sure.” + </p> + <p> + “You can’t play no pickle on me, not when I have the mumps. Ma passed the + pickles to me this morning, and I took one mouthful, and like to had the + lockjaw. But Ma didn’t do it on purpose, I guess. She never had the mumps + and didn’t know how discouraging a pickle is. Darn if I didn’t feel as + though I had been struck in the butt of the ear with a brick. But about + Pa. He has been fuller’n a goose ever since New Year’s day. I think its + wrong for women to tempt feeble minded persons with liquor on New Year’s. + Now me and my chum, we can take a drink and then let it alone. We have got + brain, and know when we have got enough, but Pa, when he gets to going + don’t ever stop until he gets so sick that he can’t keep his stummick + inside of hisself. It is getting so they look to me to brace Pa up every + time he gets on a tear, and I guess I fixed him this time so he will never + touch liquor again. I scared him so his bald head turned gray in a singe + night. + </p> + <p> + “What under the heavens have you done to him now?” says the grocery man, + in astonishment. “I hope you haven’t done anything you will regret in + after years.” + </p> + <p> + “Regret nothing,” said the boy, as he turned the lid of the cheese box + back and took the knife and sliced off a piece of cheese, and took a few + crackers out of a barrel, and sat down on a soap box by the stove, “You + see Ma was annoyed to death with Pa. He would come home full, when she had + company, and lay down on the sofa and snore, and he would smell like a + distillery. It hurt me to see Ma cry, and I told her I would break Pa of + drinking if she would let me, and she said if I would promise not to hurt + Pa to go ahead, and I promised not to. Then I got my chum and another boy, + quite a big boy, to help, and Pa is all right. We went down to the place + where they sell arms and legs, to folks who have served in the army, or a + saw mill, or a thrashing machine, and lost their limbs, and we borrowed + some arms and legs, and fixed up a dissecting room. We fixed a long table + in the basement, big enough to lay Pa out on you know, and then we got + false whiskers and moustaches, and when Pa came in the house drunk and + laid down on the sofa, and got to sleep we took him and laid him out on + the table, and took some trunk straps, and a sircingle and strapped him + down to the table. He slept right along all through it, and we had another + table with the false arms and legs on, and we rolled up our sleeves, and + smoked pipes, Just like I read that medical students do when they cut up a + man. Well, you’d a dide to see Pa look at us when he woke up. I saw him + open his eyes, and then we began to talk about cutting up dead men. We put + hickory nuts in our mouths so our voices would sound different, so he + wouldn’t know us, and I was telling the other boys about what a time we + had cutting up the last man we bought. I said he was awful tough, and when + we had got his legs off and had taken out his brain, his friends come to + the dissecting room and claimed the body, and we had to give it up, but I + saved the legs. I looked at Pa on the table and he began to turn pale, and + he squirmed around to get up, but found he was fast. I had pulled his + shirt up under his arms, while he was asleep, and as he began to move I + took an icicle, and in the dim light of the candles, that were sitting on + the table in beer bottles, I drew the icicle across Pa’s stummick and I + said to my chum, ‘Doc, I guess we had better cut open this old duffer and + see if he died from inflamation of the stummick, from hard drinking, as + the coroner said he did.’ Pa shuddered all over when he felt the icicle + going over his bare stummick, and he said, ‘For God’s sake, gentlemen, + what does this mean? I am not dead.’” + </p> + <p> + “The other boys looked at Pa with astonishment, and I said ’Well, we + bought you for dead, and the coroner’s jury said you were dead, and by the + eternal we ain’t going to be fooled out of a corpse when we buy one, are + we Doc?’ My chum said not if he knowed his self, and the other students + said, ’Of course he is dead. He thinks he is alive, but he died day before + yesterday, fell dead on the street, and his folks said he had been a + nuisance and they wouldn’t claim the corpse, and we bought it at the + morgue. Then I drew the icicle across him again, and I said, ‘I don’t know + about this, doctor. I find that blood follows the scalpel as I cut through + the cuticle. Hand me the blood sponge please.’ Pa began to wiggle around, + and we looked at him, and my chum raised his eye-lid, and looked solemn, + and Pa said, ‘Hold on, gentlemen. Don’t cut into me any more, and I can + explain this matter. This is all a mistake. I was only drunk.’ We went in + a corner and whispered, and Pa kept talking all the time. He said if we + would postpone the hog killing he could send and get witnesses to prove + that he was not dead, but that he was a respectable citizen, and had a + family. After we held a consultation I went to Pa and told him that what + he said about being alive might possibly be true, though we had our + doubts. We had found such cases before in our practice east, where men + seemed to be alive, but it was only temporary. Before we had got them cut + up they were dead enough for all practical purposes. Then I laid the + icicle across Pa’s abdomen, and went on to tell him that even if he was + alive it would be better for him to play that he was dead, because he was + such a nuisance to his family that they did not want him, and I was + telling him that I had heard that in his lifetime he was very cruel to his + boy, a bright little fellow who was at the head of his class in Sunday + school and a pet wherever he was known, when Pa interrupted me and said, + ‘Doctor, please take that carving knife off my stomach, for it makes me + nervous. As for that boy of mine, he is the condemndest little whelp in + town, and he isn’t no pet anywhere. Now, you let up on this dissectin’ + business, and I will make it all right with you.’ We held another + consultation and then I told Pa that we did not feel that it was doing + justice to society to give up the body of a notorious drunkard, after we + had paid twenty dollars for the corpse. If there was any hopes that he + would reform and try and lead a different life, it would be different, and + I said to the boys, ‘gentlemen, we must do our duty. Doc, you dismember + that leg, and I will attend to the stomach and the upper part of the body. + He will be dead before we are done with him. We must remember that society + has some claims on us, and not let our better natures be worked upon by + the <i>post mortem</i> promises of a dead drunkard.’ Then I took my icicle + and began fumbling around the abdomen portion of Pa’s remains, and my chum + took a rough piece of ice and began to saw his leg off, while the other + boy took hold of the leg and said he would catch it when it dropped off. + Well, Pa kicked like a steer. He said he wanted to make one more appeal to + us, and we acted sort of impatient but we let up to hear what he had to + say. He said if we would turn him loose he would give us ten dollars more + than we paid, for his body, and that he would, never drink, another drop + as long as he lived. Then we whispered some more and then told him we + thought favorably of his last proposition, but he must swear, with his + hand on the leg of a corpse we were then dissecting that he would never + drink again, and then he must be blindfolded and be conducted several + blocks away from the dissecting room, before we could turn him loose. He + said that was all right, and so we blindfolded him, and made him take a + bloody oath, with his hand on a piece of ice that we told him was a piece + of another corpse, and then we took him out of the house and walked him + around the block four times, and left him on a corner, after he had + promised to send the money to an address that I gave him. We told him to + stand still five minutes after we left him, then remove the blindfold, and + go home. We watched him, from behind a board fence, and he took off the + handkerchief, looked at the name on a street lamp, and found he was not + far from home. He started off saying ‘That’s a pretty narrow escape old + man. No more whiskey for you.’ I did not see him again until this morning, + and when I asked him where he was last night he shuddered and said ‘none + of your darn business. But I never drink any more, you remember that.’ Ma + was tickled and she told me I was worth my weight in gold. Well, good day. + That cheese is musty.” And the boy went and caught on a passing sleigh. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA JOINS A TEMPERANCE SOCIETY. THE GROCERY MAN + SYMPATHISES WITH THE OLD MAN—WARNS THE BAD BOY THAT HE MAY + HAVE A STEP-FATHER!—THE BAD BOY SCORNS THE IDEA—INTRODUCES + HIS PA TO THE GRAND “WORTHY DUKE!”—THE SOLEMN OATH—THE + BRAND PLUCKED FROM THE BURNING. +</pre> + <p> + “Don’t you think my Pa is showing his age good deal more than usual?” + asked the bad boy of the grocery man, as he took a smoked herring out of a + box and peeled off the skin with a broken bladed jack-knife, and split it + open and ripped off the bone, threw the head at a cat, and took some + crackers and began to eat.. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don’t know but he does look as though he was getting old,” said + the grocery man, as he took a piece of yellow wrapping paper, and charged + the boy’s poor old father with a dozen herrings and a pound of crackers; + “But there is no wonder he is getting old. I wouldn’t go through what your + father has, the last year, for a million dollars. I tell you, boy, when + your father is dead, and you get a step-father, and he makes you walk the + chalk mark you will realize what a bonanza you have fooled yourself out of + by killing off your father. The way I figure it, your father will last + about six months, and you ought to treat him right, the little time he has + to live.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I am going to,” said the boy, as he picked the herring bones out of + his teeth with a piece of a match that he sharpened with his knife. “But I + don’t believe in borrowing trouble about a stepfather so long before hand. + I don’t think Ma could get a man to step into Pa’s shoes, as long as I + lived, not if she was inlaid with diamonds, and owned a brewery. There are + brave men, I know, that are on the marry, but none of them would want to + be brevet father to a chérubin like me, except he got pretty good wages. + And then, since Pa was dissected he is going to lead a different life, and + I guess I will make a man of him, if he holds out. We got him to join the + Good Templars last night.” + </p> + <p> + “No, you don’t tell me,” said the grocery man, as he thought that his + trade in cider for mince pies would be cut off. “So you got him into the + Good Templars, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, he thinks he has joined the Good Templars, so it is all the same. + You see my chum and me have been going to a private gymnasium, on the west + side kept by a Dutchman, and in a back room he has all the tools for + getting up muscle. There, look at my arm,” said the boy, as he rolled up + his sleeve and showed a muscle about as big is an oyster. “That is the + result of training at the gymnasium. Before I took lessons I hadn’t any + more muscle than you have got. Well, the dutchman was going to a dance on + the south side the other night, and he asked my chum to tend the + gymnasium, and I told Pa if he would join the Good Templars that night + there wouldn’t be many at the lodge, and he wouldn’t be so embarrassed, + and as I was one of the officers of the lodge I would put it to him light, + and he said he would go, so my chum got five other boys to help us put him + through. So we steered him down to the gymnasium, and made him rap on the + storm door outside, and I said who comes there, and he said it was a + pilgrim who wanted to jine our sublime order. I asked him if he had made + up his mind to turn from the ways of a hyena, and adopt the customs of the + truly good, and he said if he knew his own heart he had, and then I told + him to come in out of the snow and take off his pants. He kicked a little + at taking off his pants, because it was cold out there in the storm door + dog house, but I told him they all had to do it. The princes, potentates + and paupers all had to come to it. He asked me how it was when we + initiated women, and I told him women never took that degree. He pulled of + his pants, and wanted a check for them, but I told him the Grand Mogul + would hold his clothes, and then I blind-folded him, and with a base ball + club I pounded on the floor as I walked around the gymnasium, while the + lodge, headed by my chum, sung, ‘We wont go home till morning.’ I stopped + in front of the ice-water tank and said ‘Grand Worthy Duke, I bring before + you a pilgrim who has drank of the dregs until his stomach won’t hold + water, and who desires to swear off.’ The Grand Mogul asked me if he was + worthy and well qualified, and I told him that he had been drunk more or + less since the reunion last summer, which ought to qualify him. Then the + Grand Mogul made Pa repeat the most blood-curdling oath, in which Pa + agreed, if he ever drank another drop, to allow anybody to pull his + toe-nails out with tweezers, to have his liver dug out and fed to dogs, + his head chopped off, and his eyes removed. Then the Mogul said he would + brand the candidate on the bare back with the initial letters of our + order, ‘G. T.,’ that all might read how a brand had been snatched from the + burning. You’d a dide to see Pa flinch when I pulled up his shirt, and got + ready to brand him. + </p> + <p> + “My chum got a piece of ice out of the water cooler, and just as he + clapped it on Pa’s back I burned a piece of horses hoof in the candle and + held it to Pa’s nose, and I guess Pa actually thought it was his burning + skin that he smelled. He jumped about six feet and said, ‘Great heavens, + what you dewin’,’ and then he began to roll over a barrel which I had + arranged for him. Pa thought he was going down cellar, and he hung to the + barrel, but he was on top half the time. When Pa and the barrel got + through fighting I was beside him, and I said, ‘Calm yourself, and be + prepared for the ordeal that is to follow.’ Pa asked how much of this dum + fooling there was, and said he was sorry he joined. He said he could let + licker alone without having the skin all burned off his back. I told Pa to + be brave and not weaken, and all would be well. He wiped the perspiration + off his face on the end of his shirt, and we put a belt around his body + and hitched it to a tackle, and pulled him up so his feet were just off + the floor, and then we talked as though we were away off, and I told my + chum to look out that Pa did not hit the gas fixtures, and Pa actually + thought he was being hauled clear up to the roof. I could see he was + scared by the complexion of his hands and feet, as they clawed the air. He + actually sweat so the drops fell on the floor. Bime-by we let him down, + and he was awfully relieved, though his feet were not more than two inches + from the floor any of the time. We were just going to slip Pa down a board + with slivers in to give him a realizing sense of the rough road a reformed + man has to travel, and got him straddle of the board, when the dutchman + came home from the dance, fullern a goose, and he drove us boys out, and + we left Pa, and the dutchman said, ’Vot you vas doing here mit dose boys, + you old duffer, and vere vas your pants?’ and Pa pulled off the + handkerchief from his eyes, and the dutchman said if he didn’t get out in + a holy minute he would kick the stuffing out of him, and Pa got out. He + took his pants and put them on in the alley, and then we come up to Pa and + told him that was the third time the drunken dutchman had broke up our + Lodge, but we should keep on doing good until we had reformed every + drunkard in Milwaukee, and Pa said that was right, and he would see us + through if it cost every dollar he had. Then we took him home, and when Ma + asked if she couldn’t join the Lodge too, Pa said, ‘Now you take my + advice, and don’t you ever join no Good Templars. Your system could not + stand the racket. Say, I want you to put some cold cream on my back.’ I + think Pa will be a different man now, don’t you?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said if he was that boy’s pa for fifteen minutes he would + be a different boy, or there would be a funeral, and the boy took a + handful of soft-shelled almonds and a few layer raisins and skipped out. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA’S MARVELOUS ESCAPE—THE GROCERY MAN HAS NO VASELINE— + THE OLD MAN PROVIDES THREE FIRE ESCAPES—ONE OF THE ESCAPES + TESTED—HIS PA SCANDALIZES THE CHURCH—“SHE’S A DARLING!”— + WORLDLY MUSIC IN THE COURTS OF ZION. +</pre> + <p> + “Got any vaseline,” said the bad boy to the grocery man, as he went into + the store one cold morning, leaving the door open, and picked up a cigar + stub that had been thrown down near the stove, and began to smoke it. + </p> + <p> + “Shut the door, dum you. Was you brought up in a saw mill? You’ll freeze + every potato in the house. No, I haven’t got vaseline. What do you want of + vaseline?” said the grocery man, as he set the syrup keg on a chair by the + stove where it would thaw out. + </p> + <p> + “Want to rub it on Pa’s legs,” said the boy, as he tried to draw smoke + through the cigar stub. + </p> + <p> + “What is the matter with your Pa’s legs? Rheumatiz?” + </p> + <p> + “Wuss nor rheumatiz,” said the boy, as he threw away the cigar stub and + drew some cider in a broken tea cup. “Pa has got the worst looking hind + legs you ever saw. You see, since there has been so many fires Pa has got + offul scared, and he has bought three fire escapes, made out of rope with + knots in them, and he has been telling us every day how he could rescue + the whole family in case of fire. He told us to keep cool, whatever + happened, and to rely on him. If the house got on fire we were all to rush + to Pa, and he would save us. Well, last night Ma had to go to one of the + neighbors, where they was going to have twins, and we didn’t sleep much, + cause Ma had to come home twice in the night to get saffron, and an old + flannel petticoat that I broke in when I was a kid, cause the people where + Ma went did not know as twins was on the bill of fare, and they only had + flannel petticoats for one. Pa was cross at being kept awake, and told Ma + he hoped when all the children in Milwaukee were born, and got grown up, + she would take in her sign and not go around nights and act as usher to + baby matinees. Pa says there ought to be a law that babies should arrive + on the regular day trains, and not wait for the midnight express. Well, Pa + he got asleep, and he slept till about eight o’clock in the morning, and + the blinds were closed, and it was dark in his room, and I had to wait for + my breakfast till I was hungry as a wolf, and the girl told me to wake Pa + up, so I went up stairs, and I don’t know what made me think of it, but I + had some of this powder they make red fire with in the theatre, that me + and my chum had the 4th of July, and I put it in a washdish in the + bath-room, and I touched it off and hollered fire. I was going to wake Pa + up and tell him it was all right, and laugh at him. I guess there was too + much fire, or I yelled too loud, cause Pa jumped out of bed and grabbed a + rope and rushed through the hall towards the back window, that goes out on + a shed. I tried to say something, but Pa ran over me and told me to save + myself, and I got to the back window to tell him there was no fire just as + he let himself out the window He had one end of the rope tied to the leg + of the washstand, and he was climbing down the back side of the shed by + the kitchen, with nothing on but his nightshirt, and he was the horriblest + looking object ever was, with his legs flying and trying to stick his + toenails into the rope and the side of the house.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0020" id="linkimage-0020"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/p169.jpg" alt="Pa’s Fire Escape P169 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I dont think a man looks well in society with nothing on but his + nightshirt. I didn’t blame the hired girls for being scared when they saw + Pa and his legs coming down outside the window, and when they yelled I + went down to the kitchen, and they said a crazy man with no clothes but a + pillow slip around his neck was trying to kick the window in, and they run + into the parlor, and I opened the door and let Pa in the kitchen. He asked + me if anybody else was saved and then I told him there was no fire, and he + must have dreamed he was in hell, or somewhere. Well Pa was astonished, + and said he must be wrong in the head, and I left him thawing himself by + the stove while I went after his pants, and his legs were badly chilled, + but I guess nothin’ was froze. He lays it all to Ma, and says if she would + stay at home and let people run their own baby shows, there would be more + comfort in the house. Ma came in with a shawl over her head, and a bowl + full of something that smelled frowy, and after she had told us what the + result of her visit was, she sent me after vaseline to rub Pa’s legs. Pa + says that he has demonstrated that if a man is cool and collected, in case + of fire, and goes deliberately at work to save himself, he will come out + all right.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you are the meanest boy I ever heard of,” said the grocery man. + “But what about your Pa’s dancing a clog dance in church Sunday? The + minister’s hired girl was in here after some codfish yesterday morning, + and she said the minister said your Pa had scandalized the church the + worst way.” + </p> + <p> + “O, he didn’t dance in church. He was a little excited, that’s all. You + see, Pa chews tobacco, and it is pretty hard on him to sit all through a + sermon without taking a chew, and he gets nervous. He always reaches + around in his pistol pocket, when they stand up to sing the last time, and + feels in his tobacco box and gets out a chew, and puts it in his mouth + when the minister pronounces the benediction, and then when they get out + doors he is all ready to spit. He always does that. Well, my chum had a + present, on Christmas, of a music box, just about as big as Pa’s tobacco + box, and all you have to do is to touch a spring and it plays, ‘She’s a + Daisy, She’s a Dumpling.’ I borrowed it and put it in Pa’s pistol pocket, + where he keeps his tobacco box, and when the choir got most through + singing Pa reached his hand in his pocket and began to fumble around for a + chew. He touched the spring, and just as everybody bowed their heads to + receive the benediction, and it was so still you could hear a gum drop, + the music box began to play, and in the stillness it sounded as loud as a + church organ. Well, I thought Ma would sink. The minister heard it, and + everybody looked at Pa, too, and Pa turned red, and the music box kept up, + ‘She’s a Daisy,’ and the minister looked mad and said ’Amen,’ and the + people began to put on their coats, and the minister told the deacon to + hunt up the source of that worldly music, and they took Pa into the room + back of the pulpit and searched him, and Ma says Pa will have to be + churched. They kept the music box, and I have got to carry in coal to get + money enough to buy my chum a new music box. Well, I shall have to go and + get that vaseline or Pa’s legs will suffer. Good day.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0032" id="link2HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA JOKES HIM. THE BAD BOY CAUGHT AT LAST—HOW TO GROW A + MOUSTACHE—TAR AND CAYENNE PEPPER—THE GROCERYMAN’S PATE IS + SEALED—FATHER AND SON JOIN IN A PRACTICAL JOKE—SOFT SOAP + ON THE STEPS—DOWN FALL OF MINISTERS AND DEACONS—MA TO THE + RESCUE!—THE BAD BOY GETS EVEN WITH HIS PA. +</pre> + <p> + “What on earth is that you have got on your upper lip?” said the grocery + man to the bad boy, as he came in and began to peel a rutabaga, and his + upper lip hung down over his teeth, and was covered with something that + looked like shoemaker’s wax, “You look as though you had been digging + potatoes with your nose.” + </p> + <p> + “O, that is some of Pa’s darn smartness. I asked him if he knew anything + that would make a boy’s moustache grow, and he told me the best thing he + ever tried was tar, and for me to rub it on thick when I went to bed, and + wash it off in the morning. I put it on last night, and by gosh I can’t + wash it off. Pa told me all I had to do was to use a scouring brick, and + it would come off, and I used the brick, and it took the skin off, and the + tar is there yet, and say, does my lip look very bad?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man told him it was the worst looking lip he ever saw, but he + could cure it by rubbing a little cayenne pepper in the tar. He said the + tar would neutralize the pepper, and the pepper would loosen the tar, and + act as a cooling lotion to the lacerated lip. The boy went to a can of + pepper behind the counter, and stuck his finger in and rubbed a lot of it + on his lip, and then his hair began to raise, and he began to cry, and + rushed to the water-pail and ran his face into the water to wash off the + pepper. The grocery man laughed, and when the boy had got the pepper + washed off, and had resumed his rutabaga, he said: + </p> + <p> + “That seals your fate. No man ever trifles with the feelings of the bold + buccanneer of the Spanish main, without living to rue it. I will lay for + you, old man, and don’t you forget it. Pa thought he was smart when he got + me to put tar on my lip, to bring my moustache out, and to-day he lays on + a bed of pain, and to-morrow your turn will come. You will regret that you + did not get down on your knees and beg my pardon. You will be sorry that + you did not prescribe cold cream for my bruised lip, instead of cayenne + pepper. Beware, you base twelve ounces to the pound huckster, you + gimlet-eyed seller of dog sausage, you sanded sugar idiot, you small + potato three card monte sleight of hand rotton egg fiend, you villian that + sells smoked sturgeon and dogfish for smoked halibut. The avenger is on + your track.” + </p> + <p> + “Look here, young man, don’t you threaten me, or I will take you by the + ear and walk you through green fields, and beside still waters, to the + front door, and kick your pistol pocket clear around so you can wear it + for a watch pocket in your vest. No boy can frighten me by crimus. But + tell me, how did you get even with your Pa?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, give me a glass of cider and we will be friends and I will tell + you. Thanks! Gosh, but that cider is made out of mouldy dried apples and + sewer water,” and he took a handful of layer raisins off the top of a box + to take the taste out of his mouth, and while the grocer charged a peck of + rutabagas, a gallon of cider and two pounds of raisins to the boy’s Pa, + the boy proceeded: “You see, Pa likes a joke the best of anybody you ever + saw, if it is on somebody else, but he kicks like a steer when it is on + him. I asked him this morning if it wouldn’t be a good joke to put some + soft soap on the front step, so the letter carrier would slip up and spill + his-self, and Pa said it would be elegant. Pa is a Democrat, and he thinks + that anything that will make it unpleasant for Republican office holders, + is legitimate, and he encouraged me to paralyze the letter-carrier. The + letter-carrier is as old a man as Pa, and I didn’t want to humiliate him, + but I just wanted Pa to give his consent, so he couldn’t kick if he got + caught in his own trap. You see? + </p> + <p> + “Well, this morning the minister and two of the deacons called on Pa, to + have a talk with him about his actions in church, on two or three + occasions, when he pulled out the pack of cards with his handkerchief, and + played the music box, and they had a pretty hot time in the back parlor, + and finally they settled it, and were going to sing a hymn, when Pa handed + them a little hymn book, and the minister opened it and turned pale and + said, ’what’s this?’ and they looked at it, and it was a book of Hoyle’s + games instead of a hymn book. Gosh, wasn’t the minister mad! He had + started to read a hymn and he quit after he read two lines where it said, + ‘In a game of four-handed euchre, never trump your partner’s ace, but rely + on the ace to take the trick on suit.’ Pa was trying to explain how the + book came to be there, when the minister and the deacons started out, and + then I poured the two quart tin pail full of soft soap on the front step. + It was this white soap, just the color of the step, and when I got it + spread I went down in the basement. The visitors came out and Pa was + trying to explain to them, about Hoyle, when one of the deacons stepped in + the soap, and his feet flew up and he struck on his pants and slid down + the steps. The minister said ‘great heavens, deacon, are you hurt? let me + assist you,’ and he took two quick steps, and you have seen these fellows + in a nigger show that kick each other head over heels and fall on their + ears, and stand on their heads and turn around like a top. The minister’s + feet slipped and the next I saw he was standing on his head in his hat, + and his legs were sort of wilted and fell limp by his side, and he fell + over on his stomach. You talk about spreading the gospel in heathen lands. + It is nothing to the way you can spread it with two quarts of soft soap. + The minister didn’t look pious a bit, when he was trying to catch the + railing he looked as though he wanted to murder every man on earth, but it + may be he was tired. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Pa was paralyzed, and he and the other deacon rushed out to pick up + the minister and the first old man, and when they struck the step they + went kiting. Pa’s feet somehow slipped backwards, and he turned a + summersault and struck full length on his back, and one heel was across + the minister’s neck, and he slid down the steps, and the other deacon fell + all over the other three, and Pa swore at them, and it was the worst + looking lot of pious people I ever saw. I think if the minister had been + in the woods somewhere, where nobody could have heard him, he would have + used language. They all seemed mad at each other. The hired girl told Ma + there was three tramps out on the sidewalk fighting Pa, and Ma she took + the broom and started to help Pa, and I tried to stop Ma, ’cause her + constitution is not very strong and I didn’t want her to do any flying + trapeze bizness, but I couldn’t stop her, and she went out with the broom + and a towel tied around her head. Well, I don’t know where Ma did strike, + but when she came in she said she had palpitation of the heart, but that + was not the place where she put the arnica. O, but she <i>did</i> go + through the air like a bullet through cheese, and when she went down the + steps a bumpity-bump, I felt sorry for Ma. The minister had got so he + could set up on the sidewalk, with his back against the lower step, when + Ma came sliding down, and one of the heels of her gaiters hit the minister + in the hair, and the other foot went right through between his arm and his + side, and the broom like to pushed his teeth down his throat. But he was + not mad at Ma. As soon as he see it was Ma he said, ’Why, sister, the + wicked stand in slippery places, don’t they?’ and Ma she was mad and said + for him to let go her stocking, and then Pa was mad and he said, + ‘look-a-here you sky-pilot, this thing has gone far enough,’ and then a + policeman came along and first he thought they were all drunk, but he + found they were respectable, and he got a chip and scraped the soap off of + them, and they went home, and Pa and Ma they got in the house some way, + and just then the letter-carrier came along, but he didn’t have any + letters for us, and he didn’t come onto the steps, and then I went up + stairs and I said, ‘Pa, don’t you think it is real mean, after you and I + fixed the soap on the steps for the letter-carrier, he didn’t come on the + step at all,’ and Pa was scraping the soap off his pants with a piece of + shingle, and the hired girl was putting liniment on Ma, and heating it in + for palpitation of the heart, and Pa said, ‘You dam idjut, no more of + this, or I’ll maul the liver out of you,’ and I asked him if he didn’t + think soft soap would help a moustache to grow, and he picked up Ma’s + work-basket and threw it at my head, as I went down stairs, and I came + over him. Don’t you think my Pa is unreasonable to get mad at a little + joke that he planned himself?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said he didn’t know, and the boy went out with a pair of + skates over his shoulder, and the grocery man is wondering what joke the + boy will play on him to-get even for the cayenne pepper. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0033" id="link2HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GETS MAD—A BOOM IN COURT-PLASTER—THE BAD BOY + DECLINES BEING MAULED!—THE OLD MAN GETS A HOT BOX—THE BAD + BOY BORROWS A CAT!—THE BATTLE!—“HELEN BLAZES”—THE CAT + VICTORIOUS!—THE BAD BOY DRAWS THE LINE AT KINDLING WOOD! +</pre> + <p> + “I was down to the drug store this morning, and saw your Ma buying a lot + of court-plaster, enough to make a shirt, I should think. What’s she doing + with so much court-plaster?” asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as he + came in and pulled off his boots by the stove and emptied out a lot of + snow, that had collected as he walked through a drift, which melted and + made a bad smell. + </p> + <p> + “O, I guess she is going to patch Pa up so he will hold water. Pa’s temper + got him into the worst muss you ever see, last night. If that museum was + here now they would hire Pa and exhibit him as the tattooed man. I tell + you, I have got too old to be mauled as though I was a kid, and any man + who attacks me from this out, wants to have his peace made with the + insurance companies, and know that his calling and election is sure, + because I am a bad man, and don’t you forget it.” And the boy pulled on + his boots and looked so cross and desperate that the grocery man asked him + if he wouldn’t try a little new cider. + </p> + <p> + “Good heavens!” said the grocery man, as the boy swallowed the cider, and + his face resumed its natural look, and the piratical frown disappeared + with the cider. “You have not stabbed your father, have you? I have feared + that one thing would bring on another, with you, and that you would yet be + hung.” + </p> + <p> + “Naw, I haven’t stabbed him. It was another cat that stabbed him. You see, + Pa wants me to do all the work around the house. The other day he bought a + load of kindling wood, and told me to carry it into the basement. I have + not been educated up to kindling wood, and I didn’t do it. When supper + time came, and Pa found that I had not carried in the kindling wood, he + had a hot box, and he told me if that wood was not in when he came back + from the lodge, that he would warm my jacket. Well, I tried to hire some + one to carry it in, and got a man to promise to come in the morning and + carry it in and take his pay in groceries, and I was going to buy the + groceries here and have them charged to Pa. But that wouldn’t help me out + that night. I knew when Pa came home he would search for me. So I slept in + the back hall on a cot. But I didn’t want Pa to have all his trouble for + nothing, so I borrowed an old torn cat that my chum’s old maid aunt owns, + and put the cat in my bed. I thought if Pa came in my room after me, and + found that by his unkindness I had changed to a torn cat, he would be + sorry. That is the biggest cat you ever see, and the worst fighter in our + ward. It isn’t afraid of anything, and can whip a New Foundland dog + quicker than you could put sand in a barrel of sugar. Well, about eleven + o’clock I heard Pa tumble over the kindling wood, and I knew by the remark + he made, as the wood slid around under him, that there was going to be a + cat fight real quick. He come up to Ma’s room, and sounded Ma as to + whether Hennery had retired to his virtuous couch. Pa is awful sarcastic + when he tries to be. I could hear him take off his clothes, and hear him + say, as he picked up a trunk strap, ’I guess I will go up to his room and + watch the smile on his face, as he dreams of angels. I yearn to press him + to my aching bosom. I thought to myself, mebbe you won’t yearn so much + directly. He come up stairs, and I could hear him breathing hard. I looked + around the corner and could see he just had on his shirt and pants, and + his suspenders were hanging down, and his bald head shone like a calcium + light just before it explodes. Pa went in my room, and up to the bed, and + I could hear him say, ‘Come out here and bring in that kindling wood, or I + will start a fire on your base-burner with this strap.’ And then there was + a yowling such as I never heard before, and Pa said, ‘Helen Blazes,’ and + the furniture in my room began to fall around and break. O, <i>my!</i> I + think Pa took the torn cat right by the neck, the way he does me, and that + left all the cat’s feet free to get in their work. By the way the cat + squawled as though it was being choked, I know Pa had him by the neck. I + suppose the cat thought Pa was a whole flock of New Found-land dogs, and + the cat had a record on dogs, and it kicked awful. Pa’s shirt was no + protection at all in a cat fight, and the cat just walked all around Pa’s + stomach, and Pa yelled ‘police,’ and ‘fire,’ and ‘turn on the hose,’ and + he called Ma, and the cat yowled. If Pa had had the presence of mind + enough to have dropped the cat, or rolled it up in the mat-trass, it would + have been all right, but a man always gets rattled in time of danger, and + he held onto the cat and started down stairs yelling murder, and he met Ma + coming up. + </p> + <p> + “I guess Ma’s night-cap, or something, frightened the cat some more, cause + he stabbed Ma on the night-shirt with one hind foot, and Ma said ‘mercy on + us,’ and she went back, and Pa stumbled on a hand-sled that was on the + stairs, and they all fell down, and the cat got away and went down in the + coal bin and yowled all night. Pa and Ma went into their room, and I guess + they anointed themselves with vasaline, and Pond’s extract, and I went and + got into my bed, cause it was cold out in the hall, and the cat had warmed + my bed as well as it had warmed Pa. It was all I could do to go to sleep, + with Pa and Ma talking all night, and this morning I came down the back + stairs, and havn’t been to breakfast, cause I don’t want to see Pa when he + is vexed. You let the man that carries in the kindling wood have six + shillings worth of groceries, and charge them to Pa. I have passed the + kindling wood period in a boy’s life, and have arrived at the coal period. + I will carry in coal, but I draw the line at kindling wood. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you are a cruel, bad boy,” said the grocery man, as he went to the + book and charged the six shillings. + </p> + <p> + “O, I don’t know. I think Pa is cruel. A man who will take a poor kitty by + the neck, that hasn’t done any harm, and tries to chastise the poor thing + with a trunk strap, ought to be looked after by the humane society. And if + it is cruel to take a cat by the neck, how much more cruel is it to take a + boy by the neck, that had diphtheria only a few years ago, and whose + throat is tender. Say, I guess I will accept your invitation to take + breakfast with you,” and the boy cut off a piece of bologna and helped + himself to the crackers, and while the grocery man was cut shoveling off + the snow from the sidewalk, the boy filled his pockets with raisins and + loaf sugar, and then went out to watch the man carry in his kindling wood. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0034" id="link2HCH0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA AN INVENTOR THE BAD BOY A MARTYR—THE DOG-COLLAR IN + THE SAUSAGE—A PATENT STOVE—THE PATENT TESTED!—HIS PA A + BURNT OFFERING—EARLY BREAKFAST! +</pre> + <p> + “Ha! Ha! Now I have got you,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, the + other morning, as he came in and jumped upon the counter and tied the end + of a ball of twine to the tail of a dog, and “sicked” the dog on another + dog that was following a passing sleigh, causing the twine to pay out + until the whole ball was scattered along the block. “Condemn you, I’ve a + notion to choke the liver out of you. Who tied that twine to the dog’s + tail?” + </p> + <p> + The boy choked up with emotion, and the tears came into his eyes, and he + said he didn’t know anything about the twine or the dog. He said he + noticed the dog come in, and wag his tail around the twine, but he + supposed the dog was a friend of the family, and did not disturb him. + “Everybody lays everything that is done to me,” said the boy, as he put + his handkerchief to his nose, “and they will be sorry for it when I die. I + have a good notion to poison myself by eating some of your glucose sugar. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, and you do about everything that is mean. The other day a lady came + in and told me to send up to her house some of my country sausage, done up + in muslin bags, and while she was examining it she noticed something hard + inside the bags, and asked me what it was, and I opened it, and I hope to + die if there wasn’t a little brass pad-lock and a piece of a red morocco + dog collar imbedded in the sausage. Now how do you suppose that got in + there?” and the grocery man looked savage. + </p> + <p> + The boy looked interested, and put on an expression as though in deep + thought, and finally said, “I suppose the farmer that put up the sausage + did not strain the dog meat. Sausage meat ought to be strained.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man pulled in about half a block of twine, after the dog had + run against a fence and broke it, and told the boy he knew perfectly well + how the brass pad-lock came to be in the sausage, but thinking it was + safer to have the good will of the boy than the ill will, he offered him a + handfull of prunes. + </p> + <p> + “No,” says the boy, “I have swore off on mouldy prunes. I am no + kinder-garten any more. For years I have eaten rotten peaches around this + store, and everything you couldn’t sell, but I have turned over a new leaf + now, and after this nothing is too good for me, Since Pa has got to be an + inventor, we are going to live high.” + </p> + <p> + “What’s your Pa invented? I saw a hearse and three hacks go up on your + street the other day, and I thought may be you had killed your Pa.” + </p> + <p> + “Not much. There will be more than three hacks when I kill Pa, and don’t + you forget it. Well, sir, Pa has struck a fortune, if he can make the + thing work. He has got an idea about coal stoves that will bring him + several million dollars, if he gets a royalty of five dollars on every + cook stove in the world. His idea is to have a coal stove on castors with + the pipe made to telescope out and in, and rubber hose for one joint, so + you can pull the stove all around the room and warm any particular place. + Well, sir, to hear Pa tell about it, you would think it would + revolutionize the country, and maybe it will when he gets it perfected, + but he came near burning the house up, and scared us half to death this + morn-ing, and burned his shirt off, and he is all covered with cotton with + sweet oil on, and he smells like salad dressing. + </p> + <p> + “You see Pa had a pipe made and some castors put on our coal stove, and he + tied a rope to the hearth of the stove, and had me put in some kindling + wood and coal last night, so he could draw the stove up to the bed and + light the fire without getting up. Ma told him he would put his foot in + it, and he told her to dry up, and let him run the stove business. He said + it took a man with brain to run a patent right, and Ma she pulled the + clothes over her head and let Pa do the fire act. She has been building + the fires for twenty years, and thought she would let Pa see how good it + was. Well, Pa pulled the stove to the bed, and touched off the kindling + wood. I guess maybe I got a bundle of kindling wood that the hired girl + had put kerosene on, cause it blazed up awful and smoked, and the blaze + bursted out the doors and windows of the stove, and Pa yelled fire, and I + jumped out of bed and rushed in and he was the scartest man you ever see, + and you’d a dide to see how he kicked when I threw a pail of water on his + legs and put his shirt out. Ma did not get burned, but she was pretty wet, + and she told Pa she would pay the five dollars royalty on that stove and + take the castors off and let it remain stationary. Pa says he will make it + work if he burns the house down. I think it was real mean in Pa to get mad + at me because I threw cold water on him instead of warm water, to put his + shirt out. If I had waited till I could heat water to the right + temperature I would have been an orphan and Pa would have been a burnt + offering. But some men always kick at everything. Pa has given up business + entirely and says he shall devote the remainder of his life curing himself + of the different troubles that I get him into. He has retained a doctor by + the year, and he buys liniment by the gallon.” + </p> + <p> + “What was it about your folks getting up in the middle of the night to + eat? The hired girl was over here after some soap the other morning, and + she said she was going to leave your house.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, that was a picnic. Pa said he wanted breakfast earlier than we was + in the habit of having it, and he said I might see to it that the house + was awake early enough. The other night I awoke with the awfulest pain you + ever heard of. It was that night that you give me and my chum the bottle + of pickled oysters that had begun to work. Well, I couldn’t sleep, and I + thought I would call the hired girls, and they got up and got breakfast to + going, and then I rapped on Pa and Ma’s door and told them the breakfast + was getting cold, and they got up and came down. We eat breakfast by gas + light, and Pa yawned and said it made a man feel good to get up and get + ready for work before daylight, the way he used to on the farm, and Ma she + yawned and agreed with Pa, ’cause she has to, or have a row. After + breakfast we sat around for an hour, and Pa said it was a long time + getting daylight, and bimeby Pa looked at his watch. When he began to pull + out his watch I lit out and hid in the storeroom, and pretty soon I heard + Pa and Ma come up stairs and go to bed, and then the hired girls, they + went to bed, and when it was all still, and the pain had stopped inside of + my clothes, I went to bed, and I looked to see what time it was and it was + two o’clock in the morning. We got dinner at eight o’clock in the morning, + and Pa said he guessed he would call up the house after this, so I have + lost another job, and it was all on account of that bottle of pickled + oysters you gave me. My chum says he had colic too, but he didn’t call up + his folks. It was all he could do to get up hisself. Why don’t you + sometimes give away something that is not spiled?” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said he guessed he knew what to give away, and the boy + went out and hung up a sign in front of the grocery, that he had made on + wrapping paper with red chalk, which read, “Rotten eggs, good enough for + custard pies, for 18 cents a dozen.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0035" id="link2HCH0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA GETS BOXED—A PARROT FOR SALE—THE OLD MAN IS DOWN ON + THE GROCER—“A CONTRITE HEART BEATS A BOB-TAIL FLUSH!”— + POLLLY’S RESPONSES—CAN A PARROT GO TO HELL?—THE OLD MAN + GETS ANOTHER BLACK EYE—DUFFY HITS FOR KEEPS—NOTHING LIKE + AN OYSTER FOR A BLACK EYE. +</pre> + <p> + “You don’t want to buy a good parrot, do you,” said the bad boy to the + grocery man, as he put his wet mittens on the top of the stove to dry, and + kept his back to the stove so he could watch the grocery man, and be + prepared for a kick, if the man should remember the rotten egg sign that + the boy put up in front of the grocery, last week. + </p> + <p> + “Naw, I don’t want no parrot. I had rather have a fool boy around than a + parrot. But what’s the matter with your Ma’s parrot? I thought she + wouldn’t part with him for anything.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, she wouldn’t until Wednesday night; but now she says she will not + have him around, and I may have half I can get for him. She told me to go + to some saloon, or some disreputable place and sell him, and I thought + maybe he would about suit you,” and the boy broke into a bunch of celery, + and took out a few tender stalks and rubbed them on a codfish, to salt + them, and began to bite the stalks, while he held the sole of one wet boot + up against the stove to dry it, making a smell of burned leather that came + near turning the stomach of the cigar sign. + </p> + <p> + “Look-a-here, boy, don’t you call this a disreputable place. Some of the + best people in this town come here,” said the grocery man, as he held up + the cheese-knife and grated his teeth as though he would like to jab it + into, the youth. + </p> + <p> + “O, that’s all right, they come here ’cause you trust; but you make up + what you lose by charging it to other people. Pa will make it hot for you + the last of the week. He has been looking over your bill, and comparing it + with the hired girl, and she says we haven’t ever had a prune, or a dried + apple, or a raisin, or any cinnamon, or crackers and cheese out of your + store, and he says you are worse than the James Brothers, and that you + used to be a three card monte man; and he will have you arrested for + highway robbery, but you can settle that with Pa. I like you, because you + are no ordinary sneak thief. You are a high-toned, gentlemanly sort of a + bilk, and wouldn’t take anything you couldn’t lift. O, keep your seat, and + don’t get excited. It does a man good to hear the truth from one who has + got the nerve to tell it. + </p> + <p> + “But about the parrot. Ma has been away from home for a week, having a + high old time in Chicago, going to theatres and things, and while she was + gone, I guess the hired girl or somebody learned the parrot some new + things to say. A parrot that can only say ‘Polly wants a cracker,’ dont + amount to anything—what we need is new style parrots that can + converse on the topics of the day, and say things original. Well, when Ma + got back, I guess her conscience hurt her for the way she had been + carrying on in Chicago, and so when she heard the basement of the church + was being frescoed, she invited the committee to hold the Wednesday + evening prayer meeting at our house. First, there were four people came, + and Ma asked Pa to stay to make up a quorum, and Pa said seeing he had two + pair, he guessed he would stay in, and if Ma would deal him a queen he + would have a full hand. I don’t know what Pa meant; but he plays draw + poker sometimes. Anyway, there was eleven people came, including the + minister, and after they had talked about the neighbors a spell, and Ma + had showed the women a new tidy she had worked for the heathen, with a + motto on it which Pa had taught her: ’A contrite heart beats a bob-tailed + flush,’—and Pa had talked to the men about a religious silver mine + he was selling stock in, which he advised them as a friend to buy for the + glory of the church, they all went in the back parlor, and the minister + led in prayer. He got down on his knees right under the parrot’s cage, and + you’d a dide to see Polly hang on to the wires of the cage with one foot, + and drop an apple core on the minister’s head. Ma shook her handkerchief + at Polly, and looked sassy, and Polly got up on the perch, and as the + minister got warmed up, and began to raise the roof, Polly said, ‘O, dry + up.’ The minister had his eyes shut, but he opened one of them a little + and looked at Pa. Pa was tickled at the parrot, but when the minister + looked at Pa as though it was him that was making irreverent remarks, Pa + was mad. + </p> + <p> + “The minister got to the ‘Amen,’ and Polly shook hisself and said ‘What + you giving us?’ and the minister got up and brushed the bird seed off his + knees, and he looked mad. I thought Ma would sink with mortification, and + I was sitting on a piano stool, looking as pious as a Sunday school + superintendent the Sunday before he skips out with the bank’s funds; and + Ma looked at me as though she thought it was me that had been tampering + with the parrot. Gosh, I never said a word to that parrot, and I can prove + it by my chum. + </p> + <p> + “Well, the minister asked one of the sisters if she wouldn’t pray, and she + wasn’t engaged, so she said with pleasure, and she kneeled down, but she + corked herself, ’cause she got one knee on a cast iron dumb bell that I + had been practising with. She said ‘O my,’ in a disgusted sort of a way, + and then she began to pray for the reformation of the youth of the land, + and asked for the spirit to descend on the household, and particularly on + the boy that was such a care and anxiety to his parents, and just then + Polly said, ‘O, pull down your vest.’ Well, you’d a dide to see that woman + look at me. The parrot cage was partly behind the window curtain, and they + couldn’t see it, and she thought it was me. She looked at Ma as though she + was wondering why she didn’t hit me with a poker, but she went on, and + Polly said, ‘wipe off your chin,’ and then the lady got through and got + up, and told Ma it must be a great trial to have an idiotic child, and + then Ma she was mad and said it wasn’t half so bad as it was to be a + kleptomaniac, and then the woman got up and said she wouldn’t stay no + longer, and Pa said to me to take that parrot out doors, and that seemed + to make them all good natured again. Ma said to take the parrot and give + it to the poor. I took the cage and pointed my finger at the parrot and it + looked at the woman and said ‘old catamaran,’ and the woman tried to look + pious and resigned, but she couldn’t. As I was going out the door the + parrot ruffed up his feathers and said ‘Dammit, set em up,’ and I hurried + out with the cage for fear he would say something bad, and the folks all + held up their hands and said it was scandalous. Say, I wonder if a parrot + can go to hell with the rest of the community. Well, I put the parrot in + the woodshed, and after they all had their innings, except Pa, who acted + as umpire, the meeting broke up, and Ma says its the last time she will + have that gang at her house. + </p> + <p> + “That must have been where your Pa got his black eye,” said the grocery + man, as he charged the bunch of celery to the boy’s Pa. “Did the minister + hit him, or was it one of the sisters?” + </p> + <p> + “O, he didn’t get his black eye at prayer meeting!” said the boy, as he + took his mittens off the stove and rubbed them to take the stiffening out. + “It was from boxing. Pa told my chum and me that it was no harm to learn + to box, cause we could defend ourselves, and he said he used to be a holy + terror with the boxing gloves when he was a boy, and he has been giving us + lessons. Well, he is no slouch, now I tell you, and handles himself pretty + well for a church member. I read in the paper how Zack Chandler played it + on Conkling by getting Jem Mace, the prize fighter, to knock him silly, + and I asked Pa if he wouldn’t let me bring a poor boy who had no father to + teach him boxing, to our house to learn to box, and Pa said certainly, + fetch him along. He said he would be glad to do anything for a poor + orphan. So I went down in the Third ward and got an Irish boy by the name + of Duffy, who can knock the socks off of any boy in the ward. He fit a + prize fight once. It would have made you laugh to see Pa telling him how + to hold his hands and how to guard his face. He told Duffy not to be + afraid, but strike right out and hit for keeps. Duffy said he was afraid + Pa would get mad if he hit him, and Pa said, ’nonsense, boy, knock me down + if you can, and I will laugh ha! ha!’ Well, Duffy he hauled back and gave + Pa one in the nose and another in both eyes, and cuffed him on the ear and + punched him in the stomach, and lammed him in the mouth and made his teeth + bleed, and then he gave him a side-winder in both eyes, and Pa pulled off + the boxing gloves and grabbed a chair, and we adjourned and went down + stairs as though there was a panic. I haven’t seen Pa since. Was his eye + very black?” + </p> + <p> + “Black, I should say so,” said the grocery man. “And his nose seemed to be + trying to look into his left ear. He was at the market buying beefsteak to + put on it.” + </p> + <p> + “O, beef steak is no account. I must go and see him and tell him that an + oyster is the best thing for a black eye. Well, I must go. A boy has a + pretty hard time running a house the way it should be run,” and the boy + went out and hung up a sign in front of the grocery: “<i>Frowy Butter a + Speshulty</i>.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg’s Peck’s Bad Boy and His Pa, by George W. Peck + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA *** + +***** This file should be named 25487-h.htm or 25487-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/4/8/25487/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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