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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:13:45 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:13:45 -0700 |
| commit | 2fff8ee73d21c52ea870ea360b5545a6eac35821 (patch) | |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/24587-8.txt b/24587-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f7cdb34 --- /dev/null +++ b/24587-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4251 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Lowest Rung, by Mary Cholmondeley + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Lowest Rung + Together with The Hand on the Latch, St. Luke's Summer and The Understudy + + +Author: Mary Cholmondeley + + + +Release Date: February 12, 2008 [eBook #24587] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LOWEST RUNG*** + + +E-text prepared by Louise Pryor, Jacqueline Jeremy, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +THE LOWEST RUNG + +Together with The Hand on +the Latch, St. Luke's Summer +and The Understudy + +by + +MARY CHOLMONDELEY + +Author of "Red Pottage" + + + + + + + +London +John Murray, Albemarle Street, W. +1908 + +Copyright, 1908, in the +United States of America + + + + + TO + HOWARD STURGIS + + + + +CONTENTS + + PAGE + + THE LOWEST RUNG 33 + + THE HAND ON THE LATCH 82 + + SAINT LUKE'S SUMMER 107 + + THE UNDERSTUDY 156 + + + + +PREFACE + + +I have been writing books for five-and-twenty years, novels of which I +believe myself to be the author, in spite of the fact that I have been +assured over and over again that they are not my own work. When I have +on several occasions ventured to claim them, I have seldom been +believed, which seems the more odd as, when others have claimed them, +they have been believed at once. Before I put my name to them they were +invariably considered to be, and reviewed as, the work of a man; and for +years after I had put my name to them various men have been mentioned to +me as the real author. + +I remember once, when I was very young and shy, how at one of my first +London dinner-parties a charming elderly man discussed one of my +earliest books with such appreciation that I at last remarked that I had +written it myself. If I had looked for a surprised flash of delight at +the fact that so much talent was palpitating in white muslin beside him, +I was doomed to be disappointed. He gravely and gently said, "I know +that to be untrue," and the conversation was turned to other subjects. + +One man did indeed actually announce himself to be the author of "Red +Pottage," in the presence of a large number of people, including the +late Mr. William Sharp, who related the occurrence to me. But the +incident ended uncomfortably for the claimant, which one would have +thought he might have foreseen. + +But whether my books are mine or not, still whenever one of them appears +the same thing happens. I am pressed to own that such-and-such a +character "is taken from So-and-so." I have not yet yielded to these +exhortations to confession, partly, no doubt, because it would be very +awkward for me afterwards if I owned that thirty different persons were +the one and only original of "So-and-so." + +My character for uprightness (if I ever had one) has never survived my +tacit, or in some cases emphatic, refusal to be squeezed through the +"clefts of confession." + +It is perhaps impossible for those who do not write fiction to form any +conception how easily an erroneous idea gains credence that some one has +been "put in a book"; or, if the idea has once been entertained, how +impossible it is to eradicate it. + +Looking back over a string of incidents of this kind in my own personal +experience, covering the last five-and-twenty years, I feel doubtful +whether I shall be believed if I instance some of them. They seem now, +after the lapse of years, frankly incredible, and yet they were real +enough to give me not a little pain at the time. It is the fashion +nowadays, if one says anything about oneself, to preface it by the +pontifical remark that what one writes is penned for the sake of others, +to save them, to cheer them, etc., etc. This, of course, now I come to +think of it, must be my reason also for my lapse into autobiography. I +see now that I only do it out of tenderness for the next generation. +Therefore, young writers of the future, now on the playing-fields of +Eton, take notice that my heart yearns over you. If, later on, you are +harrowed as I have been harrowed, remember + + _J'ai passé par là._ + +Observe the prints of my goloshes on the steep ascent, and take courage. +And if you are perturbed, as I have been perturbed, let me whisper to +you the exhortation of the bankrupt to the terrestrial globe: + + Never _you_ mind. Roll on. + +When I first took a pen into my youthful hand, I lived in a very +secluded part of the Midlands, and perhaps, my little world being what +it was, it was inevitable that the originals of my characters, +especially the tiresome ones, should be immediately identified with the +kindly neighbours within a five-mile radius of my paternal Rectory. Five +miles was about the utmost our little pony could do. It was therefore +obviously impossible that I could be acquainted with any one beyond that +distance. And from first to last, from that day to this, no one leading +a secluded life has been so fatuous as to believe that my characters +were evolved out of my inner consciousness. "After all, you must own you +took them from _some one_," is a phrase which has long lost its novelty +for me. I remember even now my shocked astonishment when a furious +neighbour walked up to me and said, "We all recognised Mrs. Alwynn at +once as Mrs. ----, _and we all say it is not in the least like her_." + +It was not, indeed. There was no shadow of resemblance. Did Mrs. ----, +who had been so kind to me from a child, ever hear that report, I +wonder? It gave me many a miserable hour, just when I was expanding in +the sunshine of my first favourable reviews. + +When I was still quite a beginner, Mrs. Clifford published her beautiful +and touching book, "Aunt Anne." + +There was, I am willing to believe--it is my duty to believe +_something_--a faint resemblance between her "Aunt Anne" and an old +great-aunt of mine, "Aunt Anna Maria," long since dead, whom I had only +seen once or twice when I was a small child. + +The fact that I could not have known my departed relation did not +prevent two of my cousins, elderly maiden ladies who had had that +privilege, from writing to me in great indignation at my having ventured +to travesty my old aunt. They had found me out (I am always being found +out), and the vials of their wrath were poured out over me. + +In my whilom ignorance, in my lamblike innocence of the darker side of +human nature, I actually thought that a disclaimer would settle the +matter. + +When has a disclaimer ever been of any use? When has it ever achieved +anything except to add untruthfulness to my other crimes? Why have I +ever written one, after that first disastrous essay, in which I civilly +pointed out that not I, but Mrs. Clifford, the well-known writer, was +the author of "Aunt Anne?" + +They replied at once to say that this was untrue, because I, and I +alone, _could_ have written it. + +I showed my father the letter. + +The two infuriated ladies were attached to my father, and had known him +for many years as a clergyman and a rural dean of unblemished character. +He wrote to them himself to assure them that they had made a mistake, +that I was not the author of the obnoxious work. + +But the only effect his letter had on their minds was a pained uprootal +of their respect and long affection for him. And they both died some +years later, and (presumably) went up to heaven, convinced of my guilt, +in spite of the unscrupulous parental ruridiaconal effort to whitewash +me. + +Long afterwards I mentioned this incident to Mrs. Clifford, but it did +not cause her surprise. She had had her own experiences. She told me +that when "Aunt Anne" appeared, she had many letters from persons with +whom she was unacquainted, reproaching her for having portrayed their +aunt. + +The reverse of the medal ought perhaps to be mentioned. So primitive was +the circle in which my youth was passed that an adverse review, if seen +by one of the community, was at once put down to a disaffected and +totally uneducated person in our village. + +A witty but unfavourable criticism in _Punch_ of my first story was +always believed by two ladies in the parish to have been penned by one +of the village tradesmen. It was in vain I assured them that the person +in question could not by any possibility be on the staff of _Punch_. +They only shook their heads, and repeated mysteriously that they "had +reasons for _knowing_ he had written it." + +When we moved to London, I hoped I might fare better. But evidently I +had been born under an unlucky star. The "Aunt Anne" incident proved to +be only the first playful ripple which heralded the incoming of the + + Breakers of the boundless deep. + +After the publication of "Red Pottage" a storm burst respecting one of +the characters--Mr. Gresley--which even now I have not forgotten. The +personal note was struck once more with vigour, but this time by the +clerical arm. I was denounced by name from a London pulpit. A Church +newspaper which shall be nameless suggested that my portrait of Mr. +Gresley was merely a piece of spite on my part, as I had probably been +jilted by a clergyman. I will not pretend that the turmoil gave me +unmixed pain. If it had, I should have been without literary vanity. But +when a witty bishop wrote to me that he had enjoined on his clergy the +study of Mr. Gresley as a Lenten penance, it was not possible for me to +remain permanently depressed. + +The character was the outcome of long, close observation of large +numbers of clergymen, but not of one particular parson. Why, then, was +it so exactly like individual clergymen that I received excited or +enthusiastic letters from the parishioners of I dare not say how many +parishes, affirming that their vicar (whom I had never beheld), and he +alone, could have been the prototype of Mr. Gresley? I was frequently +implored to go down and "see for myself." Their most adorable platitudes +were chronicled and sent up to me, till I wrung my hands because it was +too late to insert them in "Red Pottage."[1] For they all fitted Mr. +Gresley like a glove, and I should certainly have used them if it had +been possible. For, as has been well said, "There is no copyright in +platitudes." They are part of our goodly heritage. And though people +like Mr. Gresley and my academic prig Wentworth have in one sense made a +particular field of platitude their own, by exercising themselves +continually upon it, nevertheless we cannot allow them to warn us off as +trespassers, or permit them to annex or enclose common land, the +property and birthright of the race. + +Young men fresh from public schools also informed me that Mr. Gresley +was the facsimile of their tutor, and of no one else. I was at that time +unacquainted with any schoolmasters, being cut off from social +advantages. But that fact did me no good. The dispassionate statement of +it had no more effect on my young friends than my father's denial had on +my elderly relations. + +I am ashamed to say that once again, as in the case of "Aunt Anne," I +endeavoured to exculpate myself in order to pacify two old maiden +ladies. Why is it always the acutely unmarried who are made miserable by +my books? Is it because--odious thought, avaunt!--married persons do not +open them? These two ladies did not, indeed, think that I had been +"paying out" some particular clergyman, as suggested in their favourite +paper, _The Guardian_,[2] but they were shocked by the profanity of the +book. Soon afterwards the Bishop of Stepney (now Bishop of London) +preached on "Red Pottage" in St. Paul's. I sent them a newspaper which +reprinted the sermon _verbatim_, with a note saying that I trusted this +expression of opinion on the part of their idolised preacher might +mitigate their condemnation of the book. + +But when have my attempts at making an effect ever come off? My firework +never lights up properly like that of others! It only splutters and goes +out. I received in due course a dignified answer that they had both been +deeply distressed by my information, as it would prevent them ever going +to hear the Bishop of Stepney again. + +My own experience, especially as to "Red Pottage" and "Prisoners," +struck me as so direful, I seemed so peculiarly outside the protection +of Providence, like the celebrated plot of ground on which "no rain nor +no dew never fell," that I consulted several other brother and sister +novelists as to how they had fared in this delicate matter. It is not +for me to reveal the interesting skeletons concealed in cupboards not my +own, but I have almost invariably returned from these interviews +cheered, chuckling, and consoled by the comfortable realisation that +others had writhed on a hotter gridiron than I. + +Georges Sand, when she was accused of lampooning a certain _abbé_, said +that to draw one character of that kind one must know a thousand. She +has, I think, put her finger on the truth which is not easy to find--at +least, I never found it until I read those words of hers. + +It is necessary to know a very large number of persons of a certain +kind before one can evolve a type. Each he or she contributes a twig, +and the author weaves them into a nest. I have no doubt that I must have +taken such a twig from nearly every clergyman I met who had a _soupçon_ +of Mr. Gresley in him. + +But if an author takes one tiny trait, one saying, one sentiment, direct +from a person, there is always the danger that the contributor will +recognise the theft, and, if of a self-regarding temperament, will +instantly conclude that the _whole_ character is drawn from himself. +There is, for instance, no more universal trait, of what has been +unkindly called "the old-maid temperament" in either sex, than the +assertion that it is always busy. But when such a trait is noted in a +book, how many sensitive readers assume that it is a cruel personality. +If people could but perceive that what they think to be character in +themselves is often only sex, or sexlessness; if they could but believe +in the universality of what they hold to be their individuality! And yet +how easily they believe in it when it is pleasant to do so, when they +write books about themselves, and thousands of grateful readers bombard +the gifted authoress with letters to tell her that they also have "felt +just like that," and have "been helped" by her exquisite sentiments, +which are the exact replicas of their own! + +The worst of it is that with the academic or clerical prig, when the +mind has long been permitted to run in a deep, platitudinous groove from +which it is at last powerless to escape, the resemblance to a prig in +fiction is sometimes more than fanciful. It is real. For there is no +doubt that prigs have a horrid family likeness to each other, whether in +books or in real life. I have sometimes felt as the puzzled mother of +some long-lost Tichborne might feel. Each claimant to the estates in +turn seems to acquire a look of the original because he _is_ a claimant. +Has not this one my lost Willy's eyes? But no! that one has Willy's +hands. True, but the last-comer snuffles exactly as my lost Willy +snuffled. How many men have begun suddenly and indubitably in my eyes to +resemble one of the adored prigs of my novels, merely because they +insisted on the likeness themselves. + +The most obnoxious accident which has yet befallen me, the most wanton +blow below the belt which Fate has ever dealt me, is buried beneath the +snows of twenty years. But even now I cannot recall it without a +shudder. And if a carping critic ventures to point out that blows below +the belt are not often buried beneath snow, then all I can say is that +when I have made my meaning clear, I see no reason for a servile +conformity to academic rules of composition. + +I was writing "Diana Tempest." One of the characters, a very worldly +religious young female prig, was much in my mind. I know many such. I +may as well mention here that I do not bless the hour on which I first +saw the light. I have not found life an ardent feast of tumultuous joy. +But I do realise that it has been embellished by the acquaintance of a +larger number of delightful prigs than falls to the lot of most. I have +much to be thankful for. Having got hold of the character of this lady, +I piloted her through courtship and marriage. I gleefully invented _all_ +her sayings on these momentous occasions, and described the wedding and +the abhorrent bridegroom with great minuteness. In short, I gloated over +it. + +The book was finished, sold, finally corrected, and in the press when +one of the young women who had unconsciously contributed a trait to the +character became affianced. She immediately began throwing off with +great dignity, as if by clock-work, all the best things which I had +evolved out of my own brain and had put into the mouth of my female +prig. At first I was delighted with my own cleverness, but gradually I +became more and more uneasy, and when I attended the wedding my heart +failed me altogether. In "Diana Tempest" I had described the rich, +elderly, stout, and gouty bridegroom whom the lady had captured. There +he was before my panic-stricken eyes! The wedding was exactly as I had +already described it. It took place in London, just as I had said. The +remembrance that the book had passed beyond my own control, the +irrevocability of certain ghastly sentences, came over me in a flash, +together with the certainty that, however earnestly I might deny, swear, +take solemn oaths on family Bibles, nothing, nothing, not even a voice +from heaven, much less that of a rural dean still on earth, could make +my innocence credible. + +I may add that no voice from heaven sounded, and that I never made any +attempt at self-exculpation, or invited my father to sacrifice himself a +second time. + +As I heard "The Voice that breathed o'er Eden" and saw the bride of +twenty-five advance up the aisle to meet the bridegroom of forty-five +awaiting her deeply flushed, in a distorted white waistcoat--I had +mercilessly alluded to his white waistcoat as an error of judgment--I +gave myself up for lost; _and I was lost_. + +But all this time, while I have been giving a free rein to my +autobiographic instincts, the question still remains unanswered, Why is +human nature so prone to think it has been travestied that it becomes +impervious to reason on the subject the moment the idea has entered the +mind? Once lodged, I have never known such an idea dislodged, however +fantastic. Why is it that if, like Mrs. Clifford, one has the good +fortune to evolve a type, no one can believe it is not an individual? +Why does not the outraged friend console himself with the remembrance +that if he is one of many others who are feeling equally harrowed, he +cannot really be the object of a malignant spite, carefully disguised +till then under the apparel of a cheerful friendship? + +I think an answer--a partial answer--to the latter question may be found +in the fact that balm was never yet poured on a wounded spirit by the +assurance that there are thousands of others exactly like itself. We can +all endure to be lampooned. (I have even known a man who was deeply +disappointed when he was forced to believe that he had not been +victimised.) But to be told we are one of a herd! This flesh and blood +cannot tolerate. It is unthinkable; a living death. That we who "look +before and after," and "whose sincerest laughter with some pain is +fraught"; that _we_, lonely, superb, pining for what is not, +misunderstood by our nearest and dearest, who don't know, and never +_can_ know + + Half the reasons why we smile or sigh + +(unless, indeed, we are autobiographists: then they know _all_ the +reasons)--that WE should be confused with the vast mob of foolish, +sentimental spinsters, or pedantic clerics, or egotistic old bachelors! + +Away!--away! The reeling mind stops its ears against these obscene +suggestions. + +The only alternative which remains is that an unscrupulous novelist has +_heard_ of us--nothing more likely--without being actually acquainted +with us, and has listened to garbled accounts of us from our so-called +friends; or has actually met us at a bazaar or a funeral, though of +course he professes to have forgotten the meeting; has been impressed +with our subtle personality--nothing more likely--has felt an envious +admiration of what we ourselves value but little--our social charm--and +has yielded--nothing more likely--to the ignoble temptation of +caricaturing qualities which he cannot emulate. Or perhaps he has known +us for years, and has shown a mysterious indifference to our society, an +impatience of our deeper utterances, which we can now, _at last_, trace +to its true source, a guilty consciousness of premeditated treachery +which has led him to strike us in a dastardly manner, which we can +indeed afford--being what we are--to forgive, but which we shall never +forget. And if an opportunity offers later on, it is possible that an +unprejudiced and judicial mind may feel called upon to indicate what it +thinks of such conduct. + +Perhaps only those whose temperament leads them to believe themselves +ridiculed in a book know the rankling smart, the exquisite pain, the +sense of treachery of such an experience. It is probably the most +offensive slight that can be offered to a sensitive nature. + +And if the author realises this, even while he knows himself to be +guiltless in the matter, it is probable, if he also is somewhat +sensitive--and some authors are--that a great deal of the delight he may +derive from a successful novel may be dimmed by the realisation that he +has unwittingly pained a stranger, or, worse still, an acquaintance, or, +immeasurably worst of all, an old friend. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[1] One of these unknown correspondents wrote that their vicar had that +Sunday begun--he would have said _commenced_--his sermon with the words, +"God is Love, as the Archbishop of Canterbury remarked last week in +Westminster Abbey." + +[2] _The Guardian_, April 11, 1900: "Truth to tell, when I appreciated, +with much amusement, the light in which one was expected to regard Mr. +Gresley, I came to the conclusion that the authoress was paying out some +particular High Church parson, who had perhaps snubbed her or got the +better of her, by 'putting him into a book.' The poor, feeble creature +is described with appetite, so to speak, and when this is the case (with +a lady writer) one is pretty safe in being sure one has come across the +personal. Mr. Gresleys certainly exist, but only a woman in a (perhaps +wholly justified) tantrum would speak of them as a type of the clergy in +general."--THOS. J. BALL. + + + + +THE LOWEST RUNG + + We are dropping down the ladder rung by rung. + RUDYARD KIPLING. + + +The sudden splendour of the afternoon made me lay down my pen, and +tempted me afield. It had been a day of storm and great racing +cloud-wracks, after a night of hurricane and lashing rain. But in the +afternoon the sun had broken through, and I struggled across the +water-meadows, the hurrying, turbid water nearly up to the single planks +across the ditches, and climbed to the heathery uplands, battling my way +inch by inch against a tearing wind. + +My art had driven me forth from my warm fireside, as it is her wont to +drive her votaries, and the call of my art I have never disobeyed. + +For no artist must look at one side of life only. We must study it as a +whole, gleaning rich and varied sheaves as we go. My forthcoming book +of deep religious experiences, intertwined with descriptions of scenery, +needed a little contrast. I had had abundance of summer mornings and +dewy evenings, almost too many dewy evenings. And I thought a +description of a storm would be in keeping with the chapter on which I +was at that moment engaged, in which I dealt with the stress of my own +illness of the previous spring, and the mystery of pain, which had +necessitated a significant change in my life--a visit to Cromer. The +chapter dealing with Cromer, and the insurgent doubts of convalescence, +wandering on its poppy-strewn cliffs, as to the beneficence of the +Deity, was already done, and one of the finest I had ever written. + +But I was dissatisfied with the preceding chapter, and, as usual, went +for inspiration to Nature. + +It was late by the time I reached the upland, but I was rewarded for my +climb. + +Far away under the flaring sunset the long lines of tidal river and sea +stretched tawny and sinister, like drawn swords in firelight, between +the distant woods and cornfields. The death-like stillness and +smallness of the low-lying rigid landscape made the contrast with the +rushing enormity and turmoil of the heavens almost terrific. + +Great clouds shouldered up out of the sea, blotting out the low sun, +darkening the already darkened earth, and then towered up the sky, +releasing the struggling sun only to extinguish it once more, in a new +flying cohort. + +I do not know how long I stood there, spellbound, the woman lost in the +artist, scribbling frantically in my notebook, when an onslaught of rain +brought me to my senses and I looked round for shelter. + +Then I became aware that I had not been watching alone. A +desolate-looking figure, crouching at a little distance, half hidden by +a gorse-bush, was watching too, watching intently. She got up as I +turned and came towards me, her uncouth garments whipped against her by +the wind. + +The rain plunged down upon us, enveloping us both as in a whirlwind. + +"There is an empty cottage under the down," I shouted to her, and I +began to run towards it. It was a tumbledown place, but "any port in +such a storm." + +"It is not safe," she shouted back; "the roof is falling in." + +The squall of rain whirled past as suddenly as it had come, leaving me +gasping. She seemed to take no notice of it. + +"I spent last night there," she said. "The ceiling came down in the next +room. Besides," she added, "though possibly that may not deter you, +there are two policemen there." + +I saw now that it had been the cottage which she had been watching. And +sure enough, in a broken shaft of sunshine which straggled out for a +moment, I saw two dark figures steal towards the cottage under cover of +the wall. + +"Why are they there?" I said, gaping at such a strange sight. For I had +been many months at Rufford, and I had never seen a policeman. + +"They are lying in wait for some one," she said. + +It flashed back across my mind how at luncheon that day the vicar had +said that a female convict had escaped from Ipswich gaol, and had been +traced to Bealings, and, it was conjectured, was lurking in the +neighbourhood of Woodbridge. + +I took sudden note of my companion's peculiar dark bluish clothes and +shawl, and the blood rushed to my head. I knew what those garments +meant. She pushed back her grizzled hair from her lined, walnut-coloured +face, and we looked hard at each other. + +There was no fear in her eyes, but a certain curiosity as to what I was +going to do. + +"If I told you they were not looking for me," she said, "I could not, +under the circumstances, expect you to believe it." + +I am too highly strung for this workaday world. I know it to my cost. +The artistic temperament has its penalties. My doctor at Cromer often +told me that I vibrated like a harp at the slightest touch. I vibrated +now. Indeed, I almost sat down in the sodden track. + +But unlike many of my brothers and sisters of the pen, I am capable of +impulsive, even quixotic action, and I ought, in justice to myself, to +mention here that I had not then read that noble book "The Treasure of +Heaven," in which it will be remembered that a generous-souled woman +takes in from the storm, and nurses back to health in her lowly +cottage, an aged tramp who turns out to be a millionaire, and leaves her +his vast fortune. I did not get the idea of acting as I am about to +relate from Marie Corelli, the head of our profession, or indeed from +any other writer. But I have so often been accused of taking other +people's plots and ideas and sentiments, that I owe it to myself to make +this clear before I go on. + +"You poor soul," I said, "whatever you are, and whatever you've done, I +will shelter you and help you to escape." + +I felt I really could not take her into the house, so I added, "I have a +little stable in the garden, quite private, with nice dry hay in it. +Follow me." + +I suppose she saw at a glance that she could trust me, for she nodded, +and I sped down the hill, she following at a little distance, with the +shrieking, denouncing wind behind us. I walked as quickly as I could, +but when I got as far as the water-meadows my strength and breath gave +way. I was never robust, and always foolishly prone to overtax my small +store of strength. I was obliged to stop and lean my head on my arms +against a stile. + +"There is no need for such hurry," she said tranquilly. She had come up +noiselessly behind me. "There is not a soul in sight. Besides, look what +you are missing." + +She pointed to the familiar fields before me which we had yet to cross, +with the Dieben winding through them under his low, red-brick bridges, +and beyond the little clustered village with its grey church spire +standing shoulder high above the poplars. + +The sun had just set and there was no colour in the west, but over all +the homely, wind-swept landscape a solemn and unearthly light shone and +slowly passed, shone and slowly passed. + +"Look up," said my companion, turning a face of flame towards me. + +I looked up into the sky, as into an enormous furnace. Gigantic rolling +clouds of flame were sweeping before the roaring wind like some vast +prairie fire across the firmament. As they passed overhead, the +reflection of the lurid light on them was smitten earthwards, and passed +with them, making everything it traversed clear as noon--the lion on the +swinging sign of the public-house just across the water, the delicate +tracery of the church windows, the virginia creeper on my cottage porch. + +"I have only seen an afterglow like that once in my life," my companion +said, "and that was in Teneriffe." + +A few moments more, and the sky paled to grey. The darkness came down +with tropical suddenness. I made a movement forwards. + +"Shall I not be seen if I follow you through the village in these weird +clothes?" she said civilly, as one who hesitates to make a suggestion. +"Where is your house?" + +"My cot--it is not a house--is just at the end of those trees," I said. +"It is the only one close to the park gates. It has virginia creeper +over the porch, and a white gate." + +"It sounds charming." + +"But how on earth are we to get there?" I groaned. "And some one may +come along this path at any moment." + +The dusk was falling rapidly. Candles were beginning to twinkle in +latticed windows. A yellow light from the public-house made an +impassable streak across the road. Cheerful voices were coming along the +meadow path behind us. What was to be done? + +"Go home," she said steadily. "I will find my own way." + +"But my servant?" + +"Make your mind easy. She will not see me. I shall not ring the bell. +Have you a dog?" + +"No. My dear little Lindo----" + +"It's going to be a black night. I shall be in the porch half an hour +after dark." + +She went swiftly from me, and as the voices drew near I saw her pick her +way noiselessly into one of the great ditches, and stand motionless in +the water, obliterated against a pollard willow. + +I hurried home. My feet were quite wet, and even my stockings--a thing +that had not happened to me for years. I changed at once, and took five +drops of camphor on a lump of sugar. It would be extraordinarily +inconvenient if I were to take cold, with my tendency to bronchial +catarrh. I have no time to be ill in my busy life. Was not "Broodings +beside the Dieben" being finished in hot haste for an eager publisher? +And had I not promised to give away the Sunday-school prizes at +Forlinghorn a fortnight hence? + +It was half-past six. My garden boy was pumping in the scullery. He kept +his tools in the stable, and it was his duty to lock it up and hang the +key on the nail inside the scullery door. + +Supposing he forgot to hang it up to-night of all nights! Supposing he +took it away with him by mistake! I went into the scullery directly he +had gone. I made a pretext of throwing away some flowers, though I had +never thought of needing a pretext for going there before. The stable +key was on its nail all right. I looked into the kitchen, where my +little maid-servant was preparing my evening meal. When her back was +turned, I snatched the key from the nail, dropped it noisily on the +brick floor, caught it up, withdrew to the parlour, and sank down in my +armchair shaking from head to foot. My doctor was right indeed when he +said I vibrated like a harp. + +The life of contemplation and meditation is more suited to my highly +strung nature than that of adventure and intrigue. + +My servant brought in the lamp, and I hurriedly sat on the key while she +did so. Then she drew the curtains in the little houseplace, locked the +outer door, and went back to the kitchen. + +There are two doors to my cottage--the front door with the porch leading +to the lane, and the back door out of the scullery which opens into my +little slip of garden. At the bottom of the garden is a disused stable, +utilised by me to store wood in, and old boxes. The gate to the back way +to the stable from the lane had been permanently closed till the day +should come when I could afford a pony and cart. But in these days +novels of not too refined a type are the only form of literature (if +they can be called literature) for which the public is eager. It will +devour and extol anything, however coarse, which panders to its love of +excitement, while grave books dealing with the spiritual side of life, +books of thought and culture, are left unheeded on the shelf. Such had +been the fate of mine. + +The rain had ceased at last, and the wind was falling. My mind kept on +making all sorts of uneasy suggestions to me as I sat in my armchair. +What was I to do with the--the individual when I had got her safely into +the stable, if I ever did get her safely there? How about food, how +about dry clothes, how about a light, how about everything? Supposing +she overslept herself, and Tommy found her there in the morning when he +went for his tools? Supposing my landlord, Mr. Ledbury, who was a +magistrate, found out I had harboured a criminal, and gave me notice +just when I had repapered the parlour and put in a new back to the +kitchen range? Such a calamity was unthinkable. What happened to people +who compounded felonies? Was I compounding one? Why was not I sitting +down? What was I doing standing in the middle of the parlour with the +stable key in my hand, and, as I caught sight of myself in the glass, +with my mouth wide open? + +I sat down again resolutely, hiding the key under the cushion, and +calmer thoughts supervened. After all, it was most improbable, almost +impossible, that I should be found out. And once the adventure was +safely over, when I had successfully carried it through, what +interesting accounts I should be able to give of it at luncheon parties +in London in the winter. My brothers would really believe at last that I +could act with energy and presence of mind. There was a rooted +impression in the minds of my own family that I was a flurried sort of +person, easily thrown off my balance, making mountains out of molehills +(this was especially irritating to me, as I have always taken a broad, +sane view of life), who always twisted my ankle if it could be twisted, +or lost my luggage, or caught childish ailments for the second time. +Where there is but one gifted member in a large and commonplace family, +an absurd idea of this kind is apt to grow from a joke into an _idèe +fixe_. + +It had obtained credence originally because I certainly had once in a +dreamy moment got my gown shut into the door in an empty railway +compartment on the far side. And as the glass was up on the station side +I had been unable to attract any one's attention when I wanted to +alight, and had had to go on to Portsmouth (where the train stopped for +good) before I could make my presence and my predicament known. This +trivial incident had never been forgotten by my family--so much so, that +I had often regretted the hilarious spirit of pure comedy at my own +expense which had prompted me to relate it to them. + +Now was the time to show what metal I was made of. My spirits rose as I +felt I could rely on myself to be cautious, resourceful, bold. I sat on, +outwardly composed, but inwardly excited, straining my ears for a sign +that the fugitive was in the porch. I supposed I should presently hear a +light tap on my parlour window, which was close to the outer door. + +But none came. More than an hour passed. It had long been perfectly +dark. What could have happened? Had the poor creature been dogged and +waylaid by those two policemen after all? Was it possible that they had +seen us standing together at the stile, where she had so inconsiderately +joined me for a moment? At last I became so nervous that I went to the +outer door, opened it softly, and looked out. She was so near me that I +very nearly screamed. + +"How long have you been here?" I whispered. + +"Close on an hour." + +"Why didn't you tap on the window or something? I was waiting to let you +in." + +"I dared not do that. It might have been the kitchen window for all I +knew, and then your servant would have seen me." + +"But the kitchen is the other side." + +"Indeed! And where is the stable?" + +"At the bottom of the garden, away from the road." + +"How are we going to get to it?" + +"We can only get to it through the garden, now the back way is closed. I +closed it because the village children----" + +"Had not you better shut the door? If any one passed down the road, they +would see it was open." + +"It's as dark as pitch." + +"Yes, but there's a little light from within. I can see you from outside +quite plainly standing in the doorway." + +I led her indoors, and locked and bolted the door. + +"What is this room?" + +"The houseplace. I have my meals here. I live very primitively. My idea +is----" + +"Then your servant may come in at any moment to lay your supper." + +I could not say that she seemed nervous or frightened, but the way she +cut me short showed that she was so in reality. I was not offended, for +I am the first to make allowance when rudeness is not intentional. I led +the way hastily into the parlour. + +"She never comes in here," I said reassuringly, "after she has once +brought in the lamp. I am supposed to be working, and must not be +disturbed." + +"I'm not fit to come in," she said. + +And in truth she was not. She was caked with mud and dirt from head to +foot, an appalling figure in the lamplight. The rain dripped from her +hair, her sinister clothing, her whole person. She looked as if she must +have hidden in a wet ditch. I gazed horror-struck at my speckless +matting and pale Oriental rugs. I had never allowed a child or dog in +the house for fear of the matting, except of course my poor Lindo, who +had died a few months previously, and whom I had taught to wipe his feet +on the mat. + +A ghost of a smile twitched her grey mouth. + +"Is not that the _Times_?" she said. "Spread it out four thick, and lay +it on the floor." + +I did so, and she stepped carefully on to it. + +"Now," she said, standing on a great advertisement of a universal +history--"now that I am not damaging the furniture, pull yourself +together and _think_. How am I to get to the stable? I can't stop here." + +She could not indeed. I felt I might be absolutely powerless to get the +muddy footprints out of the matting. And no doubt there were some in the +houseplace too. + +"If I go through the scullery, I may be seen," she said, the water +pattering off her on to the newspaper. "So lucky you take in the +_Times_; it's printed on such thick paper. Where does that window look +out?" + +She pointed to the window at the farther end of the room. + +"On to the garden." + +"Capital! Then we can get out through it, of course, without going +through the scullery." + +I had not thought of that. I opened the window, and she was through it +in two cautious strides. + +"Now," she said, looking back at me, "I'm comparatively safe for the +moment, and so is the matting. But before we do anything more, get a +duster--a person like you is sure to have a duster in a drawer. Just so, +there it is. Now wipe up the marks of my muddy feet in the room we first +came into as well as this, and then see to the paint of the window. I +have probably smirched it. Then roll up the _Times_ tight, and put it +in the waste-paper basket." + +She watched me obey her. + +"Having obliterated all traces of crime," she said when I had finished, +"suppose we go on to the stable. Let me help you through the window. I +will wipe my hands on the grass first. And would not you be wise to put +on that little shawl I see on the sofa? It is getting cold." + +The window was only a yard from the ground, and I got out somehow, +encumbered in my shawl, which a grateful reader had crocheted for me. +She had, however, to help me in again directly I was out, for, between +us, we had forgotten the stable key, which was underneath the cushion of +my armchair. + +The rest was plain sailing. We stole down the garden path to the stable, +and I unlocked the door and let her in. + +"Kindly lock me in and take away the key," she said, vanishing past me +into the darkness, and I thought I detected a tone of relief in her +brisk, matter-of-fact voice. + +"I will bring some food as soon as I can," I whispered. "If I knock +three times, you will know it's only me." + +"Don't knock at all," she said; "it might be noticed. Why should you +knock to go into your own stable?" + +"I won't, then. And how about your wet things?" + +"That's nothing. I'm accustomed to being wet." + +I crawled back to the cottage, and managed to scramble in by the parlour +window, only to sink once more into my armchair in a state of collapse. +I had always entered so acutely into the joys and sorrows of others, +their love affairs, their difficulties, their bereavements (I had in +this way led such a full life), that I was surprised at this juncture to +find my nervous force so exhausted, until I remembered that ardent +natures who give out a great deal in the way of helpfulness and interest +are bound to suffer when the reaction comes. The reaction had come for +me now. I saw only too plainly the folly I had been guilty of in +harbouring a total stranger, the trouble I should probably get into, the +difficulty that a nature naturally frank and open to a fault would find +in keeping up a deception. I doubted my own powers, everything. The +truth was--but I did not realise it till afterwards--that I had missed +my tea. + +I could hear my servant laying my evening meal in the houseplace. In a +few minutes she tapped to tell me it was ready, and I rose mechanically +to obey the summons. And then, to my horror, I found I was still in +morning dress. For the first time for years I had not dressed for +dinner. What would she think if she saw me? But it was too late to +change now; I must just go in as I was. My whole life seemed dislocated, +torn up by the roots. + +There was not much to eat. Half a very small cold chicken, a lettuce, +and a little custard pudding, fortunately very nutritious, being made +with Eustace Miles's proteid. There were, however, a loaf and butter and +plasmon biscuits on the sideboard. I cut up as much as I dared of the +chicken, and put it between two very thick slices of buttered bread. +Then I crept out again and took it to her. She got up out of the hay, +and put out a gnarled brown hand for it. + +"I will bring you a cup of coffee later," I said. I was beginning to +feel a kind of proprietorship in her. She would have starved but for me. + +My servant always left at nine o'clock, to sleep at her father's +cottage, just over the way. I have a bell in the roof, which I can ring +with a cord in case of fire or thieves. + +To-night she was, of course, later than usual, but at last she brought +in the coffee, and then I heard her making her rounds, closing the +shutters on the ground floor, and locking the front door--at least, +trying to do so. I had already locked and bolted it. Then she locked the +scullery door on the outside, abstracted the key, and I heard her step +on the brick path, and the click of the gate. _She was gone_. + +I always heated the coffee myself over the parlour fire. It was already +bubbling on the hob. Directly she had left I went to the kitchen, and +got a second cup. I felt much better since I had had supper. And as I +took the cup from the shelf the fantastic idea came into my mind to ask +my protégée to come in and drink her coffee by the fire in the parlour. +I must frankly own it was foolhardy; it was rash, it was even dangerous. +But there it is! One cannot help the way one is made, and I am afraid I +am not of those who invariably take the coldly prudent course and stick +to it. + +I turned the idea over in my mind. I could put down sheets of brown +paper--I always have a store--from the door to the fire, and an old +mackintosh over the worst armchair, which was to be re-covered. Besides, +I had not had a good look at her yet, or made out the real woman under +the prison garb. That she was a person of education and refinement may +appear hardly credible to my readers, but to one like myself, whose +_métier_ it is to probe the secrets of my own heart and those of +others--to _me_ it was sufficiently obvious from the first moment that, +though I had to deal with a criminal, she was a very exceptional one, +and belonging to my own class. I went out to the stable, and suggested +to her that she should come in. + +"How do you know that I am not a man in disguise?" came a voice from the +darkness; and it seemed to me, not for the first time, that she was +amused at something. "I'm tall enough. Just think how stupendous it +would be if, when I was inside and the door really locked, I proved to +be a wicked, devastating, burglarious male." + +"I wish you would not say things like that," I said. "On your honour, +_are_ you a man?" + +She hesitated, and then said in a changed voice: + +"I am not. I don't know what I am. I was a woman once, just as a +derelict was a ship once. But whatever I am, I am not fit to come into a +self-respecting house. I am one solid cake of mud." + +Something in her reluctance made me the more determined. Besides, one of +the truths on which I have insisted most strongly in my "Veil of the +Temple" is that if we show full trust and confidence in others, they +will prove worthy of that trust. Her coming indoors had now become a +matter of principle, and I insisted. I even said I could lend her a +dressing-gown and slippers, so that her wet clothes might be dried by +the kitchen fire. + +She murmured something about a good Samaritan, but still demurred, and +asked if I had a bath-room. I said I had. + +That decided her. She seemed to have no difficulty in making up her +mind. She did not see two sides to things, as I always do myself. + +She said that if I liked to allow her to go to the bath-room first, she +should be happy to accept my kind invitation for an hour or so. If not, +she would stay where she was. + + * * * * * + +Half an hour later she was sitting opposite me in the parlour, on the +other side of the wood fire, sipping her coffee. I had not put down the +brown paper or the mackintosh. It was not necessary. Her close-cropped, +curly grey hair, still damp from the bath, was parted, and brushed +stiffly back over her ears. It must have been very beautiful hair once. +Her thin hands and thinner face and neck looked more like brown +parchment than ever, as she sat in the lamplight, my old blue +dressing-gown folded negligently round her, and taking picturesque folds +which it never did when I was inside it. Those long, gaunt limbs must +have been graceful once. Her feet were bare in her slippers--in my +slippers, I mean. She looked rather like a well-bred Indian. + +It was obvious that she was a lady, but her speech had already told me +that. What amazed me most where all amazed me was her self-possession. + +I wondered what her impression of me was, as we sat, such a strangely +assorted couple, one on each side of the fire. Did I indeed seem to her +the quixotic, impetuous, and yet withal dreamy creature which my books +show me to be? But I have often been told by those who know me well that +I am much more than my books. + +"I have not sat by a fire for how many months?" she said, her black eyes +on the logs. "Let me see, last time was in a lonely cottage on the +Cotswolds. It was a night like this, but colder, and a helpless old +couple let me in, and allowed me to dry my clothes, and lie by their +fire all night. Very unwise of them, wasn't it? I might have murdered +them in their beds." + +I began to feel rather uncomfortable. + +"You are not undergoing a sentence for murder, are you?" I asked. + +She looked at me for a moment, and then said: + +"The desperate creature who escaped from gaol three days ago, and who +was in for life for the murder of the man she lived with, and whose +convict clothes I am wearing--whose clothes, I mean, are at this moment +drying before your kitchen fire--is not the same woman who is now +drinking your excellent coffee." + +"Do you mean to tell me you have never been in prison?" + +"Yes, for a year; but I served my time and finished it four years ago." + +I wrung my hands. I was deeply disappointed in her. Her transparent +duplicity, which could impose on no one, not even so unsuspicious a +nature as mine, hurt me to the quick. + +"Oh! you poor soul," I said, "don't lie to me. Indeed it isn't +necessary. I will do all I can for you. I will help you to get away. I +will give you other clothes, and money, and we will bury these--these +garments of shame. But don't, for God's sake, don't lie to me." + +She looked gravely at me, as if she were measuring me, and seeing, no +doubt, that I was not deceived, a dusky red rose for a moment to her +face and brow. + +"It is not easy to speak the truth to some people," she said, her eyes +dropping once more to the fire, "even when they are as compassionate and +kind as you are." + +"Truthfulness is a habit that may be regained," I said earnestly. "I +myself, without half your temptations, was untruthful once." + +To associate oneself with the sins of others, to show one's own scar, +is not this sometimes the only way to comfort those overborne in the +battle of life? Had I not chronicled my own failing in the matter of +truthfulness when I foolishly and wickedly took blame on myself for the +fault of one dear to me, in my first book, "With Broken Wing"? But I saw +as I spoke that she had not read it, and did not realise to what I was +alluding. I have so steadily refused to be interviewed that possibly +also she had not even yet guessed who I was. + +"I am sure--I am quite sure," I went on after a moment, "that there is a +great deal of good in you, that you are by nature truthful." + +"Am I? I wonder. Perhaps I was so once, in the early, untroubled days. +But I have told many lies since then." + +She drank her coffee slowly, looking steadfastly into the fire, as if +she saw in the wavering flame some reflection of another fire on another +hearthstone. + +"How good it is!" she said at last, putting her cup down. "How +dreadfully good it is--the coffee and the fire, and the quiet room, and +to be dry and warm and clean! How good it all is! And how little I +thought of them when I had all these things!" + +She got up and looked at a water-colour over the low mantelpiece. + +"Madeira, isn't it?" she said. "I seem to remember that peculiar effect +of the vivid purple of the Bougainvillea against the dim, cloudy purple +of the hills behind." + +"It is Madeira," I said. "I was there ten years ago. Perhaps you have +read my little book, 'Beside the Bougainvillea'?" + +"My husband died there," she said, looking fixedly at the drawing. "He +died just before sunrise, and when it was over I remember looking out +across the sea, past the great English man-of-war in the harbour, to +those three little islands--I forget their names--and as the first level +rays touched them, the islands and the ship all seemed to melt into +half-transparent amethyst in a sea of glass, beneath a sky of glass. How +calm the sea was--hardly a ripple! I felt that even he, weak as he was, +could walk upon it. It was like daybreak in heaven, not on earth. And +his long martyrdom was over. It seemed as if we were both safe home at +last." + +"Had he been ill long?" + +"A long time. He suffered terribly. And I gave him morphia under the +doctor's directions. And then, when he was gone--not at first, but after +a little bit--I took morphia myself, to numb my own anguish and to get a +little sleep. I thought I should go mad if I could not get any sleep. I +had better have gone mad. But I took morphia instead, and sealed my own +doom. But how can you tell whether I am speaking the truth? Well, it +doesn't matter if you don't believe me. I am accustomed to it. I am +never believed now. And I don't care if I'm not. I don't deserve to be. +But I suppose you can see that I was not always a tramp on the highway. +And, at any rate, that is what I am now, and what I shall remain, unless +I drift into prison again, which God forbid, for I should suffocate in a +cell after the life in the open air which I am accustomed to." + +She shivered a little, as if she who seemed devoid of fear quailed at +the remembrance of her cell. + +"You are wondering how I have fallen so low," she said. "Do you remember +Kipling's lines-- + + "We are dropping down the ladder rung by rung? + +"Well, I have known what it is to drop down the ladder of life, +clinging convulsively to each rung in turn, losing hold of it, and being +caught back by compassionate hands, only to let go of it again; fighting +desperately to hold on to the next rung when I was thrust from the one +above it; having my hands beaten from each rung, one after another, one +after another, sinking lower and lower yet, cling as I would, pray as I +would, repent as I would." + +"Who beat your hands from the rungs?" I said. + +"Morphia," she replied. + +There was a long silence. + +"Morphia, that was the beginning and the middle and the end of my +misfortunes," she said. "What did I do that gradually lost me my +friends?--and I had such good friends, even after my best friend my +sister died. What did I do that ruined me by inches? In Australia I have +heard of evil men taken red-handed being left in the bush with food and +water by them, bound to a fallen tree which has been set on fire at one +end. And the fire smoulders and smoulders, and travels inch by inch +along the trunk, and they watch their slow, inevitable death coming +towards them day by day, until it at last destroys them also inch by +inch. What had I done that I should find myself bound like those poor +wretches? I cannot tell you. Morphia wipes out the memory as surely as +drink. I only know that I was in torment. Faces, familiar and strange +faces, some compassionate, some indignant, some horror-struck, come back +to me sometimes, blurred as by smoke, but I see nothing clearly. I dimly +remember fragments of appeals that were made to me, fragments of divine +music in cathedrals where I sobbed my heart out. Broken, splintered, +devastating memories of promises made in bitter tears, and endless lies +and subterfuges to conceal what I could not conceal. For morphia looks +out of the eyes of its victim. I knew that, but I thought no one could +see it in mine, that I could hide it. And I have one vivid recollection +of a quiet room with flowers in it, and latticed windows, but I don't +know where it was or how I came there, or who were the people in it who +spoke to me. There was a tall woman with grey parted hair in a lilac +gown. I can see her now. And I swore before God that I had left off the +drug. And some one standing behind me took the little infernal machine +out of my pocket, and I was confronted with it. And the tall woman wrung +her hands and groaned. How I hated her! And in my madness I accused her +of putting it there to ruin me. And some one (a man) said slowly, 'She +is impossible!--quite impossible!' That one memory stands out like a +little oasis in a desert of mirage and shifting sand, and thirst. I +should know the room again if I saw it. There was a window opening into +a little paved courtyard with a fountain in it, and doves drinking. But +I shall never see it again. And the drug became alive like a fiend, and +pushed me lower and lower, down, always down, until I did something +dreadful, I don't know now exactly what it was, though the prison +chaplain explained it to me. But it was about a cheque, and I was +convicted and sent to prison." + +"Then you have been in prison _twice_?" I said, anxious to make it easy +for her to be entirely truthful, for I could not doubt the truth of much +of this earlier history. + +She did not seem to hear me. + +"There is no crime," she went on, "however black, that I did not expiate +then. If suffering can wash out sins, I washed out mine. I, who thought +I had so many enemies, have no enemy. No one has ever injured me. But if +I had the cruellest in the world, I would not condemn him, if he were a +morphia maniac, to sudden enforced abstinence and prison life. And I +could not die. I am very strong by nature. I could neither die nor live. +It was months before I saw light, months of hell, consumed in the flame +of hell which is thirst. And slowly the power to live came back to me. I +was saved in spite of myself. And slowly the power of thought returned +to me. I had time to think. My mind drifted and drifted, but I got +control of it now and again, and then for longer intervals, as my poor +body reasserted itself from the slavery of the drug. And I thought--I +thought--I thought. And at last I made up my mind, my fierce, embittered +mind. And when I came out of prison, I took to the road. Even then there +were those who would have helped me, but I steeled my heart against +them. There was a strange woman with a sweet face waiting at the prison +door, who spoke kindly to me. But I distrusted her. I distrusted every +one. And I did not mean to be helped any more. I had been helped time +and time again. To be helped was to be put where I could get morphia, +where I had something, if it was only my clothes, which I could sell to +get it, where I could _steal_ things to sell to get it. If I had any +possessions, I knew that some day--not for a time perhaps, but some +day--I should sell it and get morphia somehow. They say you can't buy +it, but you can. I always could in the past, and I knew I always should +in the future. But on the road, in rags, a tramp, down in the dust, in +the safe refuge of the dust--there it was not possible. There I was out +of temptation. There I could not be burned in that flame again. That was +all I thought of, to creep away where the fire could not reach me. And I +felt sure I should not live long. In my ignorance I thought the exposure +to all weathers, and privation, and the first frost of winter would +bring me my release quickly. But they did not. They gave me new life +instead. I came out in spring, and I begged my way to Abinger Forest, +and nearly starved there; but I did not mind. Have you ever been in +Abinger Forest in the spring when the wortleberry is out? Can the +Elysian fields of Asphodel be more beautiful? Perhaps to others they +might seem so; but not to me. My first glimpse of hope came to me in the +woods at Abinger in a windless, sunny week at Easter. The gipsies gave +me food once or twice. And I ate the scraps that the trippers left after +their picnics at the top of Leith Hill where the tower is. And I lay in +the sun by day and I slept in a stack of bracken by night, and my +strained life relaxed. And I, who had become so hard and bitter, saw at +last what endless love and compassion had been vainly lavished on me, +and I was humbled. I had somehow got it rooted into my warped mind that +I had been cruelly treated, betrayed, abandoned by my friends, by every +one. I had tried hard to forgive them, but I could not. I saw at last +that it was I who had been cruel, I who had betrayed, I who needed +forgiveness; and I asked it of the only Friend I had left, the only +Friend Who never forsakes us. And peace came back and the deep wound in +my life healed. It seemed as if Nature, who had forgotten me for so +long, had pity on me, and took me again to her heart. For I had loved +her years ago, before my husband died. + +"When the weather broke, I took to the road, and the road has given me +back my health, and much more than health. I can see beauty again now. +And there is always beauty in the hedgerow; and wherever the road runs +there is beauty. In the open down, beside the tidal rivers with their +brown sails creeping among the buttercups, everywhere there is beauty. +And I can sleep again now. I learnt how to sleep at Abinger. I had +forgotten how it was done without morphia. O God! I can sleep, every +night, anywhere. It's worth being a tramp for that alone, to be able to +sleep naturally, to know in the daytime that you will have it at night, +and then to lie down and feel it stealing over you like the blessing of +God. I used to wake myself at first for sheer joy when it was coming. +And then to nestle down, and sink into it, down, down into it, till one +reaches the great peace. And no more wakings in torment as the drug +passes off, waking as in some iron grave, unable to stir hand or foot, +unable to beat back the suffocating horror and terror which lies cheek +to cheek with us. No more wakings in hell. No more mornings like that. +But instead, the cool, sweet waking in the crystal light in the open +air. And to see the sun come up, and to lie still against the clean, +fragrant haystack and let it warm you! And to watch the quiet, friendly +beasts rise up in the long meadows! And to wake hungry, instead of that +dreadful, maddening thirst! And to _like_ to eat--how good that is, even +if you go fasting half the day! But I never do. The poor will always +give you enough to eat. It hurts them to see any one hungry. Yes, I have +dropped down the ladder rung by rung, and now I have reached the lowest +rung. And it is a good place, the only safe place for wastrels such as +I, the only refuge from my enemy. There is peace on the lowest rung. I +can do no more harm there, and I have done so much. I was ambitious +once, I was admired and clever once; but I found no abiding city +anywhere. Temptation lurked everywhere. I was driven like chaff before +the wind.... But now I have the road. No one will take the road from me +while I live, or the ditch beside it to die in when my time comes. I am +provided for at last. I lead a clean life at last." + +She sat silent, her dreamy eyes fixed, her thin hands folded one over +the other. I looked at her with an aching heart. What strange mixture +of truth and lies was all this! But I said nothing. What was the use? + +And as we sat silent beside the dying fire the great inequality between +us pressed hard upon me: I, by no special virtue of my own, God knows! +on one of the uppermost rungs of life. She poor soul--poor soul--on the +lowest. + +The clock on the mantelpiece chimed eleven. + +She started slightly, looked at it, and then at me, as if uncertain of +her surroundings, and the shrewd, sardonic look came back to her face. + +"I am keeping you up," she said, rising. "I think your strong coffee has +gone to my head. This outburst of autobiography is a poor return for all +your kindness. I had no idea it was so late or that I could be so +garrulous, and I must make a very early start to-morrow. Shall I go into +the kitchen and put on my own clothes again? They must be quite dry by +now." + +"Oh! let me help you," I said impulsively. "Let me get you into a Home, +or help you to emigrate. Don't go back to this wandering, aimless life. +Work for others, interest in others, that is what _you_ need, what _I_ +need, what we _all_ need to take us out of ourselves, to make us forget +our own misery." + +"I have half forgotten mine already," she said. "To-night I remembered +it again. But I have long since put it from my mind. I think the moment +for a change of clothing in the kitchen has arrived." + +She spoke quietly, but as if her last word were final. I found it +impossible to continue the subject. + +"You will never escape in those clothes," I said. "You haven't the ghost +of a chance. If you will come into my room, I will see what I can find +for you." + +I had been willing to do much more than give her clothes, but I +instinctively felt that my appeal to her better feelings had fallen on +deaf ears. + +She followed me to my bedroom, and I got out all my oldest clothes and +spread them before her. But she would have none of them. + +"The worst look like an ultra-respectable district visitor," she said, +tossing aside one garment after another. It was the more curious that +she should say that because my brother-in-law had always said I looked +like one, and that my books even had a parochial flavour about them. But +then he had never really studied them, or he would have seen their +lighter side. + +"I had no idea pockets were worn in a little slit in the front seam," +said my visitor. "It shows how long it is since I have been 'in the +know.' No doubt front pockets came in with the bicycles. No. It is very +kind of you. But, except for that old dyed moreen petticoat, the things +won't do. I always was particular about dress, and I never was more so +than I am at this moment. You don't happen to have an old black ulster +with all the buttons off, and a bit of mangy fur dropping off the neck? +That's more my style. But of course you haven't." + +"I had one once of that kind; it was so bad that I could not even give +it away. So I put it in the dog's basket. Lindo used to sleep on it. He +loved it, poor dear! It may be there still." + +We went downstairs again, and I pulled Lindo's basket out from under the +stairs. + +The old black wrap was still in it, but it was mildewy and stuck to the +basket. It tore as I released it. It reminded me painfully of my lost +darling. + +"The very thing!" she said, with enthusiasm, as the dilapidated travesty +of a coat shook itself free. "Quiet and unobtrusive to the last degree. +Parisian in colour and simplicity. And mole colour is so becoming. Can +you really spare it? Then with the moreen petticoat I am provided, +equipped." + +We went back to the kitchen again. + +"What will you do with them?" I said, pointing to her convict clothes +which had dried perfectly stiff, owing to the amount of mud on them. How +such quantities of mud could have got on to them was a mystery to me. + +"It certainly does not improve one's clothes, to hide in a wet ditch in +a ploughed field," she said meditatively. "I will dispose of them early +to-morrow morning. I picked a place as I found my way here." + +"Not on _my_ premises?" I said anxiously. + +"Of course not. Do you take me for a monster of ingratitude? I'll manage +that all right." + +I suddenly remembered that she must have food to take with her. I went +to the larder, and when I came back I looked at her with renewed +amazement. + +My dressing-gown and slippers were laid carefully on a chair. The +astonishing woman was a tramp once more, squatting on the brick floor, +drawing on to her bare feet the shapeless excuses for boots which had +been toasting before the fire. + +Then she leaned over the hearth, rubbed her hands in the ashes, and +passed them gently over her face, her neck, her wrists and ankles. She +drew forward and tangled her hair before the kitchen glass. Then she +rolled up her convict clothes into a compact bundle, wiped her right +hand carefully on the kitchen towel, and held it out to me. + +"Remember," I said gravely, taking it in both of mine and pressing it, +"if ever you are in need of a friend, you know to whom to apply. Marion +Dalrymple, Rufford, will always find me." + +I thought I ought not to let her go away without letting her know who I +was. But my name seemed to have no especial meaning for her. Perhaps she +had lived beyond the pale too long. + +"You have indeed been a friend to me," she said. "God bless you, you +good Samaritan! May the world go well with you! Good-night, and thank +you, and good-bye. If you'll give me the stable key, I'll let myself in. +It's a pity you should come out; its raining again. And I'll leave the +stable locked when I go. And the key will be in the lavender bush at the +door. Good-bye again." + + * * * * * + +I did not sleep that night, and in the morning I was so tired that I +made no attempt to work. I had, of course, stolen out before six to +retrieve the stable key from the lavender bush, and hang it on its +accustomed nail. I looked into the stable first. My guest had departed. + +I spent an idle morning musing on the events of the previous evening, if +time thus spent can be called idling. It may seem so to others, but in +my own experience these apparently profitless hours are often more +fruitful than those spent in belabouring the brain to a forced activity. +But then I have always preferred to remain, as the great Molinos +advises, a learner rather than a teacher in the school of life. Early in +the afternoon, as I was on my way to the post-office, my landlord, Mr. +Ledbury, met me. He looked excited, an open telegram in his hand. + +"Have you heard about the escaped convict?" he said. "She has been +taken. She was traced to Bronsal Heath yesterday, and run to earth this +morning at Framlingham." + +He turned and walked with me. He was too much taken up with the news to +notice how I started and how my colour changed. But indeed I flush and +turn pale at nothing. All my life it has been a vexation to me that a +chance word or allusion should bring the colour to my cheek. + +"Poor soul!" he said. "I could almost wish she had made good her escape. +She got out, Heaven alone knows how, to see her child, which she had +heard was ill. But the ground she must have covered in the time! She was +absolutely dead beat when she was taken. And she was not in her prison +clothes. That is so inexplicable. How she got others she alone knows. +Some one must have befriended her, and given them to her--some one very +poor, for she was miserably clad, and the extraordinary thing is that +though she was traced to the deserted cottage on the heath yesterday, +and taken at Framlingham to-day, her prison clothes were found hidden in +my wood-yard, _here_ in my wood-yard, by Zack when he went to his work. +And this place is not on the way to Framlingham. How in the name of +fortune could she have hidden her clothes _here_?" + +"She must have wandered here in the dark," I suggested. + +"I don't understand it," he said, turning in at his own gate. "But +anyhow, the poor thing has been caught." + + * * * * * + +My story should end here. Indeed, to my mind it does end here. And if I +have been persuaded by my family to add a few more lines on the subject, +it is sorely against the grain and against my artistic sense. And I am +conscious that I have been unwise in allowing myself to be over-ruled by +those who have not given their lives to literature as I have done, and +who therefore cannot judge as I can when a story should be brought to a +close. + +I need hardly say that I often thought of my unhappy visitant, often +wondered how she was getting on. A year later I was staying with a +friend in Ipswich who was a visitor at the prison there, and I +remembered how it was to Ipswich she had been brought back, and I asked +to see her. My friend knew her, and told me that she had made no further +attempt to escape, and that she believed the child was dead. It had been +an old promise that she would one day take me over the prison. I claimed +it, and begged that I might be allowed to have a few words with that +particular inmate. It was not according to the regulations, but my +friend was a privileged person. That afternoon I passed with her under +that dreary portal, and after walking along interminable white-washed +passages, and past how many locked and numbered doors, my friend +whispered to a warder, who motioned me to a cell. + +A woman was sitting on her bed with her head in her hands. + +"You have not forgotten me, I hope," I said gently. It may be weak, but +I have never been able to speak ungently to any one in trouble, whatever +the cause may be. I have known too much trouble myself. + +She raised her head slowly, pushed back her hair, and looked at me. + +I had never seen her before. + +I could only stare helplessly at her. + +"But you are not the woman who escaped last October?" I stammered at +last. + +"Yes," she said pathetically, "I am. Who else should I be? What do you +want with me?" + +But I was speechless. It was all so unexpected, so inexplicable. I have +often thought since how much stranger fact is than fiction. The more +interested one is in life and in one's fellow-creatures the more +surprises there are in store for one. With every year I live my sense of +wonder increases, and with it my realisation of my own ignorance. As I +stared amazedly at her, a change came over her face. She looked at me +almost with eagerness. + +"You didn't take me for 'er, did you?" she said hurriedly. "'Er as +'elped me. Did you know 'er? She ain't copped, is she? Don't tell me as +she's copped too." + +"I thought you _were_ her," I said. "I don't know what I thought. I +don't understand it." + +"She found me on a dirty night," she said, "in a tumbledown cottage. I'd +never seen her afore. But she crep' in and found me, and tole me there +was a watch kep' for me at Woodbridge. And she changed clothes with me, +so as to give me a bit of a chance. Mine was fair stiff with mud, for +I'd laid in a wet ditch till night, but they showed the blasted colour +for all that. And she give me all she had on her--her clothes, and a +bite of bread and bacon, and two pence. And it wasn't as if we was pals. +I'd never seen her afore. She stuck at nothing, and she only larfed at +the risk, for they'd have shut her up for certain if they'd caught her. +She said she'd manage some'ow. And she 'eartened me up, and put me on +the road for Wickham, and she said she'd dror away the pursoot by hiding +the prison clothes somewhere in the opsit direction where they could be +found easy by the first fool." + +"She did it," I said. + +"And how did she spare 'em? She'd nuthin' but them." + +"I gave her some more. If she had been my own sister I could not have +done more for her." + +"And she worn't caught, wor she?" + +"Not that I know of. No, I feel sure she never was. I helped her to get +away." + +"I was took in spite of all," said the woman, "and by my own silliness. +But I seed my little Nan alive fust, and that was all I wanted. And I +don't know who she was, nor what she was. She tole me she was a outcast +and a tramp and a good-for-nothing. But there's never been anybody yet, +be they who they may, as done for me what she done. She'd have give me +the skin orf her back if she could 'ave took it orf. And it worn't as if +I knowed her. I'd never set eyes on 'er afore, nor never shall again." + +I have never seen her again, either. + + + + +THE HAND ON THE LATCH + + There came a man across the moor, + Fell and foul of face was he, + He left the path by the cross-roads three, + And stood in the shadow of the door. + + MARY COLERIDGE. + + +She stood at her low window with its uneven, wavering glass, and looked +out across the prairie. A little snow had fallen, not much, only enough +to add a sense of desolation to the boundless plain, the infinite plain +outside the four cramped walls of her log hut. The log hut was like a +tiny boat moored in some vast, tideless, impassable sea. The immensity +of the prairie had crushed her in the earlier years of her married life; +but gradually she had become accustomed to it, then reconciled to it, at +last almost a part of it. The grey had come early to her thick hair, a +certain fixity to the quiet courage of her eyes. Her calm, steadfast +face showed that she was not given to depression, but nevertheless this +evening, as she stood watching for her husband's return, for the first +distant speck of him where the cart-rut vanished into the plain, a sense +of impending misfortune enfolded her with the dusk. Was it because the +first snow had fallen? Ah me! how much it meant. It was as significant +for her as the grey pallor that falls on a sick man's face. It meant the +endless winter, the greater isolation instead of the lesser, the +powerlessness to move hand or foot in that all-enveloping shroud; the +struggle, not for existence--with him beside her that was assured--not +for luxury, she had ceased to care for it, though he had not ceased to +care for her sake, but for life in any but its narrowest sense. Books, +letters, human speech, through the long months these would be almost +entirely denied her. The sudden remembrance of the larger needs of life +flooded her soul, touching to momentary semblance of movement many +things long cherished, but long since dead, like delicate sea-plants +beyond high-water mark, that cannot exist between the long droughts when +the spring tide does not come. She had known what she was doing when, +against the wishes of her family, she of the South had married him of +the North, when she left the busy city life she knew, and clave to her +husband, following him over the rim of the world, as women will follow +while they have feet to follow with. She was his superior in birth, +cultivation, refinement, but she had never regretted what she had done. +The regrets were his for her, for the poverty to which he had brought +her, and to which she had not been accustomed. She had only one regret, +if such a thin strip of a word as regret can be used to describe her +passionate, controlled desolation, immense as the prairie, because she +had no child. Perhaps if they had had children the walls of the log hut +in the waste might have closed in on them less rigidly. It might have +become more of a home. + +Her mind had taken its old mechanical bent, the trend of long habit, as +she looked out from that low window. How often she had stood there and +thought "If only we might have had a child!" And now, by sheer force of +habit, she thought it yet again. And then a slow rapture took possession +of her whole being, mounted, mounted till she leaned against the window +still faint with joy. She was to have a child after all. She had hardly +dared believe it at first; but as time had gone on a vague hope quickly +suppressed as unbearable had turned to suspense, suspense had alternated +with the fierce despair that precedes certainty. Certainty had come at +last, clear and calm and exquisite as dawn. She would have a child in +the spring. What was the winter to her now! Nothing but a step towards +joy. The world was all broken up and made new. The prairie, its great +loneliness, its death-like solitude, were gone out of her life. She was +to have a child in the spring. She had not dared to tell her husband +till she was sure. But she would tell him this evening, when they were +sitting together over the fire. + +She stood motionless in the deepening dusk, trying to be calm. And at +last in the far distance she saw a speck arise as it were out of a +crease in the level earth. Her husband on his horse. How many hundreds +of times she had seen him appear over the rim of the world, just as he +was appearing now. She lit the lamp and put it in the window. She blew +the log fire to a blaze. The firelight danced on the wooden walls, +crowded with cheap pictures, and on the few precious daguerreotypes that +reminded her she too had brothers and sisters and kin of her own, far +away in one of those southern cities where the war was still smouldering +grimly on. + +Her husband took his horse round and stalled him. Presently he came in. +They stood a moment together in silence as their custom was, and she +leaned her forehead against his shoulder. Then she busied herself with +his supper, and he sat down heavily at the little table. + +"Had you any difficulty this time in getting the money together?" she +asked. + +Her husband was a tax collector. + +"None," he said abstractedly; "at least--yes--a little. But I have it +all, and the arrears as well. It makes a large sum." + +He was evidently thinking of something else. She did not speak again. +She saw something was troubling him. + +"I heard news to-day at Philip's," he said at last, "which I don't like. +If I had heard in time, and if I could have borrowed a fresh horse, I +would have ridden straight on to ----. But it was too late in the day +to be safe, and you would have been anxious what had become of me if I +had been out all night with all this money on me. I shall go to-morrow +as soon as it is light." + +They discussed the business which took him to the nearest town thirty +miles away, where their small savings were invested, somewhat +precariously, as it turned out. What was safe, who was safe, while the +invisible war between North and South smouldered on and on? It had not +come near them, but as an earthquake which is engulfing cities in one +part of Europe will rattle a tea-cup without oversetting it on a cottage +shelf half a continent away, so the civil war had reached them at last. + +"I take a hopeful view," he said, but his face was overcast. "I don't +see why we should lose the little we have. It has been hard enough to +scrape it together, God knows. Promptitude and joint action with +Reynolds will probably save it. But I must be prompt." He still spoke +abstractedly, as if even now he were thinking of something else. + +He began to take out of the leathern satchel various bags of money. + +"Shall I help you to count it?" + +She often did so. + +They counted the flimsy dirty paper-money together, and put it all back +into the various labelled bags. + +"It comes right," he said. + +Suddenly she said, "But you can't pay it into the bank to-morrow if you +go to ----." + +"I know," he said looking at her; "that is what I have been thinking of +ever since I heard Philip's news. I don't like leaving you with all this +money in the house; but I must." + +She was silent. She was not frightened for herself, but it was State +money, not their own. She was not nervous as he was, but she had always +shared with him a certain dread of those bulging bags, and had always +been thankful to see him return safe--he never went twice by the same +track--after paying the money in. In those wild days, when men went +armed, with their lives in their hands, it was not well to be known to +have large sums about you. + +He looked at the bags, frowning. + +"I am not afraid," she said. + +"There is no real need to be," he said after a moment. "When I leave +to-morrow morning, it will be thought I have gone to pay it in. +Still----" + +He did not finish his sentence, but she knew what was in his mind: the +great loneliness of the prairie. Out in the white night came the short, +sharp yap of a wolf. + +"I am not afraid," she said again. + +"I shall be gone only one night," he said. + +"I have often been a night alone." + +"I know," he said; "but somehow it's worse leaving you with so much +money in the house." + +"No one knows it will be there." + +"That is true, except that every one knows I have been collecting large +sums." + +"They will think you have gone to pay it in as usual." + +"Yes," he said with an effort. + +Then he got up, and went to his tool-box. She watched him open it, +seeing him in a new light which encompassed him with even greater love. +"If I tell him to-night," she thought, "it will make him still more +anxious about leaving me. Perhaps he would refuse to go, and he must go. +I will not tell him till he comes back." + +The resolution not to speak was like taking hold of a piece of iron in +frost. She had not known it would hurt so much. A new tremulousness, +sweet and strange, passed over her--not cowardice, not fear, not of the +heart nor of the mind, but a sort of emotion of the whole being. + +"I will not tell him," she said again. + +Her husband got out his tools, took up a plank from the floor, and put +the money into a hole beneath it, beside their small valuables, such as +they were, in a biscuit tin. Then he replaced the plank, screwed it +down, and she drew back a small fur mat over the place. He put away the +tools and then came and stood in front of her. He was not conscious of +her transfiguration, and she dropped her eyes for fear of showing it. + +"I shall start early," he said, "as soon as it is light, and I shall be +back before sundown the day after to-morrow. I know it is unreasonable, +but I shall go easier in my mind if you will promise me one thing." + +"What is it?" + +"Not to go out of the house, or to let any one else come in on any +pretence whatever, while I am away," he said. "Bar everything, and stay +inside." + +"I shan't want to go out." + +He made an impatient movement. + +"Promise me that, come what will, you will let no one in during my +absence," he said. + +"I promise." + +"Swear it." + +She hesitated. + +"Swear it, to please me," he said. + +"I swear that I will let no one into the house, on any pretext whatever, +until you come back," she said, smiling at him. + +He sighed and relapsed into his chair, and gave way to the great fatigue +that possessed him. + +The next morning he started soon after daybreak, but not until he had +brought her in sufficient fuel to last several days. There had been more +snow in the night, fine snow like salt, but not enough to make +travelling difficult. She watched him ride away, and silenced the voice +within her which always said as she saw him go, "You will never see him +again; you have heard his voice for the last time." Perhaps, after all, +the difference between the brave and the cowardly lies in how they deal +with that voice. Both hear it. She silenced it instantly. It spoke +again, more insistently, "You have heard his voice, felt his kiss, for +the last time. He will never see the face of his child." She silenced it +again, and went about her work. + +The day passed as countless other days had passed. She was accustomed to +be much alone. She had work to do, enough and to spare, within the +little home which was to become a real home, please God, in the spring. +The evening fell almost before she expected it. She locked and barred +the doors, and closed the shutters of the windows. She made all secure, +as she had done many a time before. + +And then, putting aside her work, she took down the newest of her +well-worn books, lately sent her from New Orleans, and began to read. + + Oui, sans doute, tout meurt: ce monde est un grand rêve, + Et le peu de bonheur qui nous vient en chemin, + Nous n'avons pas plus tôt ce roseau dans la main, + Que le vent nous l'enlève. + +"Que le vent nous l'enlève." She repeated the last words to herself. Ah +no! the wind could not take her happiness out of her hand. + +A wandering wind had risen at nightfall, and it came softly across the +snow, and tried the doors and windows as with a furtive hand. She could +hear it coming as from an immense distance, passing with a sigh, +returning plaintive, homeless, forlorn, to whisper round the house. + + J'ai vu sous le soleil tomber bien d'autres choses + Que les feuilles des bois, et l'écume des eaux, + Bien d'autres s'en aller que le parfum des roses + Et le chant des oiseaux. + +That wind meant more snow. Involuntarily she laid down her book and +listened to it. + +How like the sound of the wind was to wandering footsteps, slowly +drawing near, creeping round the house. She could almost have fancied +that a hand touched the shutters, was even now trying to raise the latch +of the door. + +A moment of intense silence, in which the wind seemed to hold its breath +and listen without, while she listened within. And then a low, distinct +knock upon the door. + +She did not move. + +"It is the wind," she said to herself; but she knew it was not. + +The knock came again, low, urgent, not to be denied. + +She had become very cold. She had supposed fear was an emotion of the +mind. She had not reckoned for this slow paralysis of the body. + +She managed to creep to the window and unbar the shutter an inch or two. +By pressing her face against the extreme corner of the pane she could +just discern in the snowlight part of a man's figure, wrapped in a long +cloak. + +She barred the window once more. She was not surprised. She knew now +that she had known it always. She had pretended to herself that the +thief would not come; but she was expecting him when he knocked. And he +stood there, outside. Presently he would be inside. + +He knocked yet again, this time more loudly. What need was there for +silence when for miles and miles round there was no ear to hear save +that of a chance prairie dog? + +She laid hold upon her courage, seeing that it was her only refuge, and +went to the door. + +"Who is there?" she said through a chink. + +A man's voice, low and feeble, replied, "Let me in." + +"I cannot let you in." + +There was a short silence. + +"I pray you, let me in," he said again. + +"I have told you I cannot. Who are you?" + +"I am a soldier, wounded. I'm trying to get back to my friends at ----." +He mentioned a settlement about fifty miles north. "I have missed my +way, and I can't drag myself any farther." + +Her heart swung violently between suspicion and compassion. + +"I am alone in the house," she said. "My husband is away, and he made me +promise not to let any one in on any pretence whatever during his +absence." + +"Then I shall die on your doorstep," said the voice. "I can't drag +myself any farther." + +There was another silence. + +"It is beginning to snow," he said. + +"I know," she said, and he heard the trouble in her voice. + +"Open the door and look at me," he said, "and see if I can do you any +harm." + +She opened the door, and stood on the threshold, barring the way. He was +leaning against the doorpost with his head against it, as she had often +seen her husband lean when he was talking to her on a summer evening. +Something in his attitude, so like her husband's, touched her strangely. +Supposing he were in need, and pleaded for help in vain! + +The man turned his face towards her. It was sunk and hollow, ravaged +with pain, an evil-looking face. His right arm was in a sling under his +tattered military cloak. He seemed to have made his final effort, and +now stood staring dumbly at her. + +"My husband will never forgive me," she said, with a sort of sob. + +He said nothing more. He seemed at the last point of exhaustion. Through +the dim white night a few flakes of snow fell upon his harsh, repellent +face and on his bandaged arm. + +A sudden wave of pity carried all before it. + +She beckoned him into the house, and locked and barred the door. She put +him in her husband's chair by the fire. He hardly noticed anything. He +seemed stupefied. He sat staring alternately at the fire and at her. +When she asked him to which regiment he belonged, he did not answer. + +She set before him the supper she had prepared for herself, and chafed +his hard, emaciated, dirty hand till the warmth returned to it. Then he +ate, with difficulty at first, then with slow voracity, all she had put +before him. + +A semblance of life returned gradually to him. + +"I was pretty near done up when I knocked," he said several times. + +She dressed his wound, which did not appear very deep, wrapped it in +fresh bandages, and readjusted his sling. He took it all as a matter of +course. + +She made up a little bed of rugs and blankets for him in the back +kitchen. When she came back to the living-room, she found he had dragged +himself to his feet, and was looking vacantly at a little picture of +President Lincoln on the mantelshelf. She showed him the bed and told +him to lie down on it. He obeyed her implicitly, like a child. She left +him, and presently heard him cast himself down. A few minutes later she +went to the door and listened. His heavy, regular breathing told her he +was asleep. + +She went back to the kitchen, and sat down by the fire. + +Was he really asleep? Was it all feigned, the wound, the story, the +exhaustion? Had she been trapped? Oh! what had she done? What had she +done? + +She seemed like two people. One self, silent, alert, experienced, +fearless, knew that she had allowed herself to be deluded, in spite of +being warned; knew that her feelings had been played upon, made use of, +not even dexterously made use of; knew that she had disobeyed her +husband, broken her solemn oath to him, plunged him with herself into +disgrace if the money were stolen. And in the eyes of that self it was +already stolen. It was still under the plank beneath her feet, but it +was already stolen. + +The other self, tremulous, inconsequent, full of irresistible tenderness +for suffering and weakness even in its uncouthest garb, said +incessantly, "I could do no less. If I die for it, still I could do no +less. Somebody brought him into the world. Some woman cried for joy and +anguish when he was born. He would have died if I had not taken him in. +I could do no less." + +Through the long hours she sat by the fire, unable to reconcile herself +to going upstairs to her own room and to bed. + +Once she got up and noiselessly took down her husband's revolver from +the mantelshelf, and examined it. He had taken its fellow with him, and +apparently, contrary to his custom, he had taken the powder-flask with +him too, for it was gone from its nail. The revolvers were always kept +loaded, but--by some evil chance--the one that remained was unloaded. +She could have sworn she had seen her husband load it two days ago. Why +was this numbness creeping over her again? She got out powder and +bullets from a small store she had of her own, loaded and primed it, and +laid it on the table beside her. + +The night had become very still. Her hearing seemed to reach out till +she felt she could have heard a coyote move in its hole miles away. The +log fire creaked and shifted. The tall clock in the corner ticked, +catching its chain now and then as its manner was. The wooden walls +shrunk and groaned a little. The small home-like sounds only accentuated +the enormous silence without. Suddenly in the midst of them a real sound +fell upon her ear--very low, but different, not like the fragmentary +inadvertent murmur of the hut; a small, purposeful, stealthy, sound, +aware of itself. She listened, as she had listened before, without +moving. It was not louder than the whittling of a mouse behind the +wainscot, hardly louder than the scraping of a mole's thin hand in the +soil. It continued. Then it stopped. It was only her foolish fancy after +all. There it was again. Where did it come from? + +_The man in the next room?_ + +She took up the lamp and crept down the narrow passage to the door of +the back kitchen. His loud, even breathing sounded distinctly through +the crannies of the ill-fitting door. Surely it was overloud. She +listened to it. She could hear nothing else. Was his breathing a +pretence? She opened the door noiselessly, and went in, shading the +light with her hand. + +She bent over the sleeping man. At the first glance her heart sank, for +he had not taken off his boots. But as she looked hard at him her +suspicions died within her. He lay on his back with his coarse, +emaciated face towards her, his mouth open, showing his broken teeth. +The sleep of utter exhaustion was upon him. She could have killed him +as he lay. He was not acting. He was really asleep. + +She crept out of the room again, leaving the door ajar, and went back to +the kitchen. + +Hardly had she sat down when she heard the sound again. It was too faint +to reach her except when she was in the kitchen. She knew now where it +came from--_the door_. Some one was picking the lock. + +The instant the sleeping man was out of her sight she suspected him +again. + +Was he really asleep after all? He had not taken off his boots. When she +came back from making his bed she had found him standing by the +mantelshelf. Had he unloaded the pistol in her absence? Would he +presently get up, and open the door to his confederates? + +Her mind rose clear and cold and unflinching. She took up the pistol, +and then laid it down again. She wanted a more noiseless weapon. She got +out her husband's great clasp-knife from the open tool-box, took the +lamp, and crept back to the man's bedside. She should be able to kill +him--certainly she should be able to kill him; and then she should have +the pistol for the other one. + +But he still slept heavily. When she saw him again, again her +suspicions fell from her. She _knew_ he was asleep. + +She shook him by the shoulder, noiselessly, but with increasing +violence, until he opened his eyes with a groan. Then only she +remembered that she was shaking his wounded arm. He saw the knife in her +hand, and raised his left arm as if to ward off the blow. + +"Listen," she whispered, close to his ear. "Don't speak. There is a man +trying to break into the house. You must get up and help me." + +He stared at her, vaguely at first, but with growing intelligence. The +food and sleep had restored him somewhat to himself. He sat up on the +couch. + +"Take off my boots," he whispered; "I tried, and could not." + +Her last suspicion of him vanished. She cut the laces with her knife, +and dragged his boots off. They stuck to his feet, and bits of the +woollen socks came off with them. They had evidently not been taken off +for weeks. While she did it, he whispered, "Why should any one be +wanting to break in? There's nothing here to take." + +"Yes, there is," she said. "There's a lot of money." + +"Good Lord! Where?" + +"Under the floor in the kitchen." + +"Then it's the kitchen they'll make for. You bet they know where the +money is, if they know it's here. Are there many of 'em?" + +"I don't know." + +"Well, we shall know soon enough," said the man. He had become alert, +keen. "Have you any pistols?" + +"Yes, one." + +"Fetch it, but don't make a sound, mind." + +She stole away, and returned with the pistol. She would have put it into +his hand, but he pushed it away. + +"It's no use to me," he said, "with my arm in a sling. I will see what I +can do with my left hand and the knife. Can you shoot?" + +"Yes." + +"Can you hit anything?" + +"Yes." + +"To be depended on?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, it's darned lucky. How long will that door hold?" + +They were both in the little passage by now, pressed close together, +listening to the furtive pick, pick, of some one at the lock. + +"I don't think it will hold more than a minute." + +"Now, look here," he said, "I shall go and stand at the foot of the +stair, and knife the second man, if there is a second. The first man +I'll leave to you. There's a bit of light outside from the snow. He'll +let in enough light to see him by as he opens the door. Don't wait. Fire +at him as he comes in, and don't stop; go on firing at him till he +drops. You've got six bullets. Don't you make any mistake and shoot me. +I've had enough of that already. Now, you look carefully where I'm going +to stand and when I'm there you put out the lamp." + +He spoke to her as a man does to his comrade. + +That she could be frightened did not seem to enter his calculations. He +moved with cat-like stealth to the foot of the tiny staircase, and +flattened himself against the wall. Then he stretched his left arm once +or twice as if to make sure of it, licked the haft of the knife, and +nodded at her. + +She instantly put out the lamp. + +All was dark save for a faint thread of light which outlined the door. +Across the thread something moved once--twice. The sound of picking +ceased. Then another sound succeeded it, a new one, unlike the last, as +if something was being gently prized open, wrenched. + +"The bar will hold," she said to herself; and then remembered for the +first time that the rung into which the bar slid had been loose these +many days. It was giving now. + +It had given! + +The door opened silently, and a man came in. + +For a moment she saw him clear with the accomplice snowlight behind him. +She did not hesitate. She shot once and again. He fell, and struggled +violently up, and she shot again. He fell, and dragged himself to his +knees, and she shot again. Then he sank gently and slowly down, as if +tired, with his face against the wall, and moved no more. + +The man on the stairs rushed out and looked through the open door. + +"By G----! he was single-handed," he said. + +Then he stooped over the prostrate man, and turned him over on his +back. + +"Dead!" he said, chuckling. "Well done, missus! Stone dead!" + +He was masked. + +The dirty left hand tore the mask callously off the grey face. + +The woman had drawn near, and looked over his shoulder. + +"Do you know him?" said the man. + +For a moment she did not answer, and the pistol which had done its work +so well dropped noisily out of her palsied hand. + +"He is a stranger to me," she said, looking fixedly at her husband's +fading face. + + + + +SAINT LUKE'S SUMMER + +_IN TWO PARTS_ + + +PART I + + When the world's asleep, + I awake and weep, + Deeply sighing, say, + "Come, O break of day, + Lead my feet in my beloved's way." + + MARGARET L. WOODS. + +When first I knew Aunt Emmy I suppose she was about twenty-eight. I was +ten, and I thought her old, but still an agreeable companion, infinitely +pleasanter than her father and her brother, with whom she lived. She was +not my real aunt, but her father was my great-uncle, and I always called +her Aunt Emmy. Great-uncle Thomas and Uncle Tom were persons to be +avoided, stout, heavy, bullet-headed, bull-necked, throat-clearing men, +loud nose-blowers, loud soup-eaters, who reeked of tobacco when it was +my horrid duty to kiss them, and who addressed me in jocular terms when +they remembered my existence, of which I was always loth to remind them. +With these two horrors, whom she loved, Aunt Emmy lived. She was wrapped +up in them. I have actually seen her kiss Uncle Thomas when it was not +necessary, when he was asleep; and she admired Uncle Tom very much too, +though she seldom kissed him, I believe by his wish. He used to say +something about sister's kisses being like cold veal. I don't suppose he +invented that himself. He was always picking up things like that out of +a rose-coloured paper, and firing them off as his own. Uncle Tom was +tall and portly, and a wag out of office hours, with a moustache that, +in spite of all his efforts, would not turn up, but insisted on making a +melancholy inner semicircle just a size smaller than the rubicund circle +of his face. How I hated kindly, vulgar Uncle Tom! I used to pray that +he might die before the holidays. But he never did. I see now that Uncle +Tom was far, far worse than Uncle Thomas, who had had a stroke, and was +a kind of furious invalid who could not speak clearly, or eat anything +except things that were bad for him. But when I was a child, and first +began to spend my holidays in Pembridge Square, I regarded them both +with the same repulsion. + +Aunt Emmy was different. I know now that she must have been a remarkably +pretty woman, but I did not notice that at the time. But a faint, +indefinable fragrance seemed to envelop her. I loved to stroke her soft +white hand, and to turn the emerald ring on her third finger, and to +lean against her soft shoulder. Aunt Emmy's cheek was very soft too, and +so was her full, silky hair, which she wore parted all her life, though +it was never the fashion to do so that I can remember, though I am told +it is now the _dernier cri_ among the _débutantes_. Aunt Emmy had a +beautifully shaped head, and the whitest brow and neck that I have ever +seen. And she had a low voice, and was very dignified. I do not think +that she was a very wise woman, or that she had ever wrestled with the +deeper problems of life, or that the mystery of pain had ever caused her +faith to totter. But she was very good to live with. She devoted +herself. + +She never had her own way in anything that I can remember. The house +never represented her. The furniture was leathern and velvet and +stout-looking, the kind of furniture which seems to aim at being more or +less exact moulds of the forms of middle-aged men. The armchairs were +like commodious hip-baths in plush. Aunt Emmy and I were lost in them. I +remember once walking as a child through the wilderness of armchairs at +Maple's and thinking they all looked like Uncle Tom. A good deal of +Utrecht velvet had gone to the upholstering of that house in Pembridge +Square. It was comfortable, airless, flowerless, with gravy-coloured +walls. As I grew older I wondered why it was all so ugly and dreary. But +I found there were less means than I had supposed, and though the +cooking remained excellent, flowers and new chintzes were dispensed with +as unnecessary. Aunt Emmy opened a window surreptitiously now and then, +but Uncle Thomas and Uncle Tom hated draughts, and they did not get off +to sleep so quickly after dinner if the drawing-room had been aired +during the meal. The dining-room windows were never opened at all, +except when Uncle Thomas was too unwell to come in and Uncle Tom was +away. + +Many men had wished to marry Aunt Emmy; not only sedentary professional +men in long frock-coats, full to the brim of the best food, like Uncle +Tom; but nice, lean, hungry-looking, open-air men who were majors, or +country squires, or something interesting of that kind, whose clothes +sat well on them, and who drew up in the Row on little skittish, +curveting polo-ponies when Aunt Emmy and I walked there. I once asked +her, after a certain good-looking Major Stoddart had ridden on, why she +did not marry, but she only said reprovingly, with great dignity: + +"You don't understand such matters, my dear, or you would know that I +could not possibly leave your Uncle Thomas." + +I was silenced. I felt with bitterness that this could not be her whole +reason for celibacy, but that, owing to the purely superficial fact that +my hair was still in a pigtail, she supposed I was unable to comprehend +"lots of things" that I felt I understood perfectly, and on which my +mind was already working with an energy which would have surprised her +had she guessed it. + +By this time I worshipped Aunt Emmy, who represented in my somewhat +colourless orphaned existence the beautiful and romantic side of life. +Aunt Emmy looked romantic, and the contrast between her refined, gentle +self-effacement and the commonplace egotism of her two men was of the +glaring nature which appeals to a young girl's imagination. + +I never forgot Major Stoddart, and when I was eighteen, and had left +school and was living in Pembridge Square, I had the good fortune to +come in for the remains of a scene between Aunt Emmy and Uncle Tom--the +very day after I had turned up my hair. + +It was at luncheon, to which I came in late. Uncle Thomas was in bed +with gout, and Uncle Tom did not consider me of enough consequence to +matter. He had not realised even _now_ that I was a grown-up woman. +Looking back after all these years, I am not sure that he was not astute +enough to hope that I might prove an ally. + +"What you have got to do, Emmy, is to think of the future," he was +saying, scooping all the visible eggs out of an aspic pie. "It's no +manner of use living only in the present. You think this comfortable +home will go on for ever, where you have lived in luxury. It won't. It +can't. It's not in the nature of things. I saw Blackett yesterday +(Blackett was the doctor), and he told me that if the governor's gout +rises--and nothing he can do can keep it down--he won't last more than a +year at longest. In the nature of things," Uncle Tom continued, bolting +half an egg, "I shall then marry. In fact--in short----" + +"Has Miss Collett accepted you?" said Aunt Emmy tremulously. + +Miss Collett was a person of means, and of somewhat bulged attractions +for those who admire size, of whom Uncle Tom had often spoken as a +deuced fine woman. + +"She has," said Uncle Tom. "I made pretty sure of that before I said +anything myself. Nothing immediate, you understand; but eventually--when +the old governor goes--I don't want to hurry him, Lord knows; but when +the old man does pop off, I shall--bring her here." + +I looked round the room. I had seen Miss Collett, and the mahogany and +ormolu dining-room, with its great gilt mirrors, seemed a fitting +background for her. + +"I am very glad, dear Tom," said Aunt Emmy. "I think you and she will be +very well suited, and I am sure she is very lucky, though I suppose I +should never think any one _quite_ good enough." + +"Oh! that's all right," said Uncle Tom. "And as for the luck, it's all +on my side." + +He did not really think this, I knew, but it was the right thing to say, +so he said it. + +"But I am not thinking only of myself," he continued. "There is you to +be considered." + +Aunt Emmy dropped her eyes. + +"You mean, where I shall live," she said faintly. + +"Just so. Just so. You speak like a sensible woman. We must not forget +you." Uncle Tom was becoming visibly uneasy. "And I may as well tell you +now, old girl--prepare your mind beforehand, don't you know--that the +governor has not been able to leave you as much as he wished, as we +_both_ wished. The truth is, what with one thing and another, and nearly +all his capital tied up in the business, and this house on a long lease +and expensive to keep up, with the best will in the world the poor old +pater _can't_ do much for you." + +"It will be enough," said Aunt Emmy. + +"It will be the interest of seven thousand pounds at three and a half +per cent.," said Uncle Tom brutally, because he was uncomfortable, +"about two hundred and thirty pounds a year." + +"It will be ample," said Aunt Emmy. I knew by the faint colour in her +cheeks that the conversation was odious to her. "Dear Tom, let us talk +of something else." + +"We will," said Uncle Tom, with unexpected mental agility, and with the +obvious relief of a man who has got safely round a difficult corner. "We +will. Now, how about Colonel Stoddart?" + +My heart beat suddenly. I was beginning to see life--at last. + +"There is nothing to say about him," said Aunt Emmy. + +"A good chap, and a gentlemanly chap," said Uncle Tom urbanely, leaning +back in his chair. "Eton, the 'varsity, and all that sort of thing. +Quite one of ourselves. Old family, and a warm man. And suitable in age. +_My_ age. Thirty-nine. (Uncle Tom was really forty-one.) You're no +chicken yourself, you know, Emmy. Thirty-eight, though I own you don't +look it, my dear. Well, what's the matter with Colonel Stoddart, I +should like to know?" + +"Nothing." + +"Well, I'm glad to hear it, for he tells me you refused him again only +last week. Now, look here. One moment, please. Don't speak. I call it +Providence, downright Providence," and Uncle Tom rapped the table with a +thick finger. "And yet you won't look at him. I don't say marry him out +of hand. Of course," Uncle Tom added hurriedly, "you can't leave the old +pater while he is above ground. There's no question of that. But I _do_ +say, Give the fellow a chance. He's been dangling after you for years. +Tell him that some day----" + +Aunt Emmy rose from the table, and laid down her napkin. + +"Now, look here, old girl," said Uncle Tom, not unkindly, "don't get +your feathers up with me. Think better of it. You know this sort of +first-class opportunity may not occur again. It really may not. If it +isn't Providence, I'm sure I don't know what it is. And I believe your +only reason for refusing him is because of Bob Kingston. Now, don't fly +in the face of Providence just out of a bit of rotten sentiment which +you ought to be ashamed of at your age." + +My brain reeled. I had never heard of Bob Kingston. I said "Good God!" +to myself, not because it was natural to me to use such an expression, +but because I felt it was suitable to the occasion and to a person whose +hair was done up. + +"Tom," said Aunt Emmy, her soft eyes blazing, "I desire that you will +never allude to Mr. Kingston again." + +She left the room, and I did the same, with what I hope was a withering +glance at the open-mouthed Uncle Tom, who for days afterwards +interlarded his conversation with the refrain that he was blessed if he +could understand women. + +But I dared not follow Aunt Emmy to her little sitting-room at the top +of the house. She who was almost never alone, clung, I knew, to that +tiny refuge, and it was an understood thing between us that I might +creep in and sit with her a little after tea, but not before. + +So I raged up and down the empty gilded and mirrored drawing-room, +finding myself quite unable to reconcile the situation with my faith in +a beneficent Deity; and then consoled myself by chronicling my tottering +faith in my diary. I wrote a diary until I married. Then, I suppose, I +became more interested in life than in recording my own feelings. At +any rate, I discontinued it. + +At last, when Aunt Emmy did not come down for tea, I took her a cup. + +She was sitting in a low chair with her back to the light. I could see +that she had been crying, but she was quite calm. She had a suspiciously +clean pocket-handkerchief in her hand. Her sitting-room was a small +north chamber under the roof, but it was the place I liked best in the +house. On her rare expeditions abroad, before Uncle Thomas had become +too ill to be left, she had picked up some quaint pieces of pottery and +a few old Italian mirrors. The little white room with its pale blue +linen coverings had an atmosphere and a refinement of its own. It was +spring, and there was a bunch of daffodils near the open window in a +blue-and-white oil-jar with _Ole Scorpio_ on it. + +Aunt Emmy drank some tea, and remarked that I made it better than she +did. + +"Your Uncle Tom has a very kind heart," she said, looking a little +pugnaciously at me. "It is so like him, just when he might naturally be +taken up with his own affairs, to be anxious about me." + +We each knew the other was not deceived. + +I longed to say, "Why not marry Colonel Stoddart?" + +I had only seen him on horseback. I did not know how he looked on the +ground, but I would have married him myself in a second if he had asked +me, partly no doubt because he was a little like Lord K----, the hero of +my teens to whom I had never spoken, and partly because he was the exact +opposite of Uncle Tom. How Miss Collett _could_! How anybody could! Yet +Uncle Tom always talked as if he had only to choose among the flower of +English womanhood, and the stouter and more repellent he grew the more +communicative and conscientious he became about his fear of raising +expectations in female bosoms which he might not be able to gratify. How +I scorned Uncle Tom when he talked like that, knowing as I did--but +neither he nor Aunt Emmy knew I knew (it was always like that, they +always thought I did not know things)--knowing as I did that Miss Rose +Delaine and Miss Wright had both refused him. I did not realise in my +intolerant youth that the anxiety of some middle-aged bachelors still to +appear eligible, the way their minds hover round imaginary conquests, +has its pathetic side. Looking back, I believe now that Miss Collett was +not by any means poor Uncle Tom's first choice, but his last chance. And +perhaps he was her last chance too. + +"I know father is dying. I have known it some time," said Aunt Emmy, and +her face became convulsed. "He spoke so beautifully about it only +yesterday. And I have known for a long time that Tom and Miss Collett +were likely to come to an arrangement." + +She had not a grain of irony in her, but no word could have been more +applicable to Uncle Tom and Miss Collett than an arrangement. One felt +that each had measured the other by avoirdupois weight, and had found +the balance even. + +"Is Uncle Thomas opposed to your marrying?" I ventured to say, with the +tact of eighteen. + +"No, my dear; that is what is so wonderful. He was so dreadfully against +it long ago--once--indeed, until quite lately. But it's no use speaking +of that. But now he is quite anxious for it, so long as I don't leave +him. He wants me to promise Colonel Stoddart, but to tell him that I +could not leave my father during his lifetime, which of course I +couldn't." + +"Won't Colonel Stoddart wait?" I said, waxing bolder. I had slipped down +on the floor beside her and was stroking her white hand. I hoped I was +saying the right thing. I was adoringly fond of her, but I was also +eighteen, and this was my first introduction to a real romance. I was +feverishly anxious to rise to the occasion, to have nothing to regret in +retrospect. + +"I daresay he would. I think he said something about it," she said +apathetically. + +I remembered a beautiful sentence I had read in a novel about +confidences being mutual, and I said reproachfully, "Aunt Emmy, I have +told you _all_ about Lord K----; won't you tell me, just me, no one +else--about Mr. Kingston?" + +And she told me. I think it was a relief to speak to some one. I held my +cheek against her hand all the time. It seemed that a sort of demigod of +the name of Kingston had alighted in her life when she was nineteen (I +felt with a pang that I had still a whole year to wait) and he was +twenty-one. Aunt Emmy waxed boldly eloquent in her description of his +unique and heroic character, shyly eloquent in her dispassionate +indication of his almost terrifying beauty. + +I think Aunt Emmy became a girl in her teens again for a few minutes, +carried away by her memory, and by the idolising sympathy of the other +girl in her teens at her feet in a seventh heaven at being a confidant. +But in one sense, on the sentimental plane, she had never ceased to be a +girl. She and I viewed the situation almost from the same standpoint. + +"Aunt Emmy, _was_ he tall?" + +"He was, my love." + +"And slender?" + +My whole life hung in the balance. I had all a young girl's repulsion +towards stout men. + +"He was thin and wiry, and very athletic, a great rider." + +I gave a sigh of relief. + +"Did his--it does not really matter" (I felt the essentials were all +right and that I must not ask too much of life)--"but did his hair +curl?" + +Aunt Emmy drew out of her bosom a little locket, hanging by a thin gold +chain, with a forget-me-not in blue enamel on it, and opened it. Inside +was a curl of chestnut hair. It was not tied in the shape of a curl. It +was a real curl. + +I looked at it with awe. + +Aunt Emmy answered my highest expectations at every point. I had never +seen that enamel locket before. Yet I divined at once that she had worn +it under her clothes--as indeed she had, day and night for how many +years! I felt that I would not care how it ended, happily or unhappily, +if only I might have a romance and a locket like that. + +"He gave it me when we parted eighteen years ago," she said, her voice +quivering a little. + +I knew well that lovers always did part. They invariably severed, +"severed for years." I was not the least surprised to hear he was gone, +for I was already learning "In the Gloaming," and trilled it forth in a +thin, throaty voice which Aunt Emmy said was remarkably like what hers +had been at my age. + +"Why were you parted?" I asked. + +"He had not any money, and he had his way to make. And he had an uncle +out there who wanted him to go to him. It was a good opening, though he +would not have taken it if it had not been for me, for though he was so +fond of horses he was not the kind of person for that kind of life, +sheep and things. He cared so much for books and poetry. And your Uncle +Thomas was very much against my marrying at that time, in fact, he +positively forbade it. You see, mother was dead, and your Uncle Thomas +had become more dependent on me than he was quite aware until there was +a question of my leaving him. Men are like that, my love. They need a +woman all the time to look after them, and listen to their talk, and +keep vexatious things away. And he was always a most tender father. He +said he could not bear the thought of his only daughter roughing it in +Australia. He said he would withdraw his opposition if--if--Bob (Bob was +his name) came home with a sufficient fortune to keep me in comfort in +England." + +"And he never did?" + +"He went out to try. I felt sure he would, and he felt sure he would. At +twenty-two it seems as if fortunes can be made if it is really +necessary. And I promised to wait for him, and he was to work to win +me." + +I could not refrain from shedding a tear. It was all so beautiful, so +far beyond anything I could have hoped. I pressed Aunt Emmy's hand in +silence, and she went on: + +"But there were bad seasons, and though he worked and worked, and though +he did get on, still, you could not call it a fortune. And after five +years had passed he wrote to say that he was making a living, and his +uncle had taken him into partnership, and could not I come out to him. +He had built an extra room on purpose for me. Your Uncle Thomas was +terribly angry when the letter came, because he had always been against +my emigrating, and he forbade any further correspondence. Men are very +high-handed, my love, when you come to live with them. We were not +allowed to write after that. Do you know, my dear, I became so +distressed that I had thoughts--I actually contemplated running away to +Australia?" + +"Oh! why didn't you?" I groaned. That, of course, was the obvious +solution of the difficulty. + +"Very soon after that your Uncle Thomas had his stroke, and after that +of course I could not leave him." + +"Could not we do it still?" I suggested. Of course I took for granted +that I should be involved in the elopement, as the confidential friend +who carries a little reticule with jewels in it, and sustains throughout +the spirits of the principal eloper. + +"_Now!_" said Aunt Emmy, and for a moment a violent emotion disfigured +her sweet face. "Now. Oh! my child, all this happened fifteen years ago, +when you were a toddling baby." + +"I wish to Heaven I had been as old then as I am now," I said with +clenched hands. I felt that I could have vanquished Uncle Thomas and +Uncle Tom, and all this conspiracy against my darling Aunt Emmy's +happiness. + +"And is he still--still----?" I ventured. + +"I don't know whether he is still--free. I have not heard from him for +fifteen years. Uncle Thomas was very firm about the correspondence. He +is a very decided character, especially since his stroke, and I have +ceased to hear anything at all about him since his mother died twelve +years ago." + +To me twelve years ago was as in the time of Noah. Yet here was Aunt +Emmy, to whom it was all as fresh as yesterday. + +"When she died," said Aunt Emmy, "she was ill for a long time before, +and I used to go and sit with her. She was fond of me, but she never +quite did your Uncle Thomas justice. When she died she sent me this +ring." She touched the beautiful emerald ring she always wore. "She said +she had left it to him, and he had asked that she would send it to me. +It had been her own engagement ring." + +"Why don't you wear it on your engaged finger?" + +"I did at first. It was a kind of comfort to me. But Uncle Tom was +constantly vexed with me about it. He said it might keep things off. He +is a very practical person, Uncle Tom, a very shrewd man of business, +I'm told. So, to please him, I wear it in the daytime on my right hand." + +By this time I was shedding tears of sheer sensibility. + +"I have thought of him day and night; there has not been a night I have +not remembered him in my prayers for nearly twenty years. It will be +twenty years next April. How could I begin to think of any one else +_now_, Colonel Stoddart or any one? Uncle Tom is very clever, and so is +your Uncle Thomas, but I don't think they have ever _quite_ understood +what I feel about Mr. Kingston." + +An electric bell in a little box over the door rang in a furious manner. + +Aunt Emmy was on her feet in a second, smoothing her fair hair at the +Venetian mirror. + +"Your Uncle Thomas is awake," she said, "and is ready to be read to. He +never likes being kept waiting." + +This seemed to be the case, for as she left the room the electric bell +rang again more furiously than before, and I shook my fist at it. + + +PART II + + If some star of heaven + Led him by at even, + If some magic fate + Brought him, should I wait, + Or fly within and bid them close the gate? + + MARGARET L. WOODS. + +The following year I suddenly married a soldier, the only young man I +knew, and I knew him very slightly, and went out to India with him. I +did not forget Aunt Emmy, we corresponded regularly; but I was young +and my life was a very full one. I had seen nothing of the world till I +married. I had a child. The years rushed past, joyful, miserable, vivid, +surprising, happy years, in spite of the fact that my husband was not +remarkably like Lord K----in appearance, and not in the least like the +"plaister saint" with whom I had hurried to the altar on such slight +provocation. + +During these years Uncle Thomas died, and Uncle Tom married, and Aunt +Emmy wrote to me that she had taken a little cottage in Abinger Forest +against her brother's advice, and how, in spite of his opposition--how +much it must have cost her to oppose him--he had forgiven her and +presented her with the most expensive mahogany bedstead and bedding that +Maple could supply--"so like him." + +I wondered vaguely once or twice whether there had been any question of +her marrying Mr. Kingston, but there was no mention of him in her +letters, and I did not like to ask. I knew that she was very poor, but +presently my heart was gladdened by hearing from her that a distant +relation had left her a legacy, and that she was now comfortably off. + +Then suddenly our life was darkened. Our child died. I struggled with +my grief, became ill, and was sent home. Aunt Emmy urged me to go +straight to her. She and Uncle Tom were my only near relations in +England. He also offered to take me in for a time. He wrote with real +kindness. He had a child himself. And his wife wrote too. But I need +hardly say that I took my sore heart and my broken health straight to +Aunt Emmy. + +It was late in August when I arrived. The honeysuckle was still in bloom +on Aunt Emmy's white cottage, standing in its little orchard in a +clearing in the forest. She was waiting for me in the porch, and I ran +feebly to her up the narrow brick path between the tall clumps of +hollyhocks and Michaelmas daisies; and she drew me into the little +parlour and held me closely to her. And the years rolled away, and I was +a child again, and she was comforting me for my broken doll. + +With the egotism of youth I fear I had not given a thought to Aunt +Emmy's new home until I entered it. I knew that she was happy in it, and +that it had once been a gamekeeper's cottage, but that was about all. +Nowadays every one has a cottage--it is the fashion; and literary men +and women, tired of adulatory crowds, weary of their own greatness, flee +from the metropolis, and write exquisite articles about their gardens, +and the peace that lurks under a thatched roof, and the simple life, +lived far from shrilling crowds but near to nature, and _very_ near to +the Deity. Fortunate Deity! + +But in the days of which I am writing cottages and their floral and +spiritual appurtenances were not the rage. + +I never realised until I saw Aunt Emmy in a home of her own how much +taste she possessed, or how pretty a cottage could be. It did not try to +look like a house. It was just a cottage, standing amid its apple-trees, +now red with apples, with its old well half hidden in clumps of +lavender. The little dwelling itself, with its low ceilings and long oak +beams and dim colouring and quaint furniture, had a certain austere +charm, a quiet dignity of its own. The sunny air came softly in through +wide-open latticed windows, bringing with it the scent of mignonette. +There had never been a breath of air in the house in Pembridge Square. +_Ole Scorpio_, that friend of my youth, looked peaceful and complacent +in a little recess in which his soft colouring and perfect figure showed +to great advantage against a white-washed wall in shadow. + +Aunt Emmy herself, in a gown of some dull white material, with a little +grey in her rippling, parted hair, seemed at home for the first time in +her life. She looked a shade older, a shade thinner in the face, her +sweet eyes a little sunk inwards. But her tall figure had retained all +its old soft dignity and beauty of line. Looking at her as she poured +out my tea for me, I suddenly felt years older than she. + +This bewildering impression deepened as the days went on, and a +protecting, wondering compassion became part of my affection for her. + +During the years I had spent in India I had seen a good deal of both +sides of that motley, amazing fabric which we call life. I had felt the +throbbing of its great loom. I had touched with my own shrinking hand +the closeness of the texture, had marked the interweaving of the alien +strands, had marvelled and been dismayed, had marvelled and been awed, +had seen the dye of my own blood on one dim thread, the gold of my own +joy on another. The sheltered life had not been mine. + +But Aunt Emmy had not moved mentally by a hair's-breadth. All her +expansion, if expansion it could be called, had taken form in her house +and garden. I had not been a week under her roof before I found that Mr. +Kingston occupied exactly the same position in her life as he had done +in Pembridge Square. She had brought down her romance to adorn her new +home just as she had brought down _Ole Scorpio_, in cotton wool. Each +had their niche. Perhaps it was unreasonable in me to expect to find her +different. I had not expected it. But I had become such a totally +different person myself that her attitude to life, which had appeared to +me so romantic and natural when I was eighteen, now appeared +irremediably pathetic, visionary, out of touch with reality. Perhaps, +however, it was I who had become disillusioned and matter-of-fact. I saw +with a kind of pitying wonder that her youthful romance still supplied +to her, as it had done since she was nineteen, a certain atmosphere of +pensive, prayerful resignation, a background for ethereal day-dreams. +Her peaceful days were passed in a kind of picturesque haze, like the +mist that, seeming in itself a rosy light, sometimes veils a tranquil +September sunset. + +She was evidently very happy, but it was equally evident that she did +not know it. From words she let drop now and then I saw that she still +imagined she was bearing the heavy cross of her mutilated youth. But to +me it seemed as if some tender hand had lifted it from her shoulder. + +"Aunt Emmy," I said, yielding to an ignoble curiosity in the second week +of my visit, as we were picking the lavender together, "when Uncle +Thomas died, I had thought I should hear of your marrying Mr. Kingston." + +"I also hoped it, my dear," said Aunt Emmy, snipping the lavender into a +little basket, held in a loose white-gloved hand. + +I dared not look at her. + +"Mr. Kingston has not written," she said after a moment. + +"But did you write and tell him you were free, and still in the same +mind?" + +"I did not. I thought it might be awkward for him in case he were--after +all these years--contemplating some other possibility. I did not want to +embarrass him. But your Uncle Thomas's death was in all the papers, and +many of his relations are acquainted with us. I have no doubt the news +reached him." + +Of course it had. I had felt that it was hardly to be expected that Mr. +Kingston should have kept after twenty years, more than twenty years, +the same vivid memory of his early love that she had done. His silence +proved that he had not done so. I looked at Aunt Emmy. How pretty and +graceful and remote she looked, and how young her face was under the +shadow of her charming garden hat, tied with a soft black ribbon under +her chin. As long as she was not confronted with any one really young, +she had no look of age. It was difficult to believe that she was +forty-four. And he must be forty-six. It was too late. Middle-aged +marriages are risky affairs enough, when the Rubicon of forty is within +sight. But when it has been passed----! + +As I looked at her I hoped with all my heart that he would not come back +to disturb her peace of mind and dislocate her life afresh. + +But, astonishing to say, he did come back; and there was some adequate +reason, I have forgotten exactly what, for his not coming earlier. At +any rate, it was adequate. + +When I came down to breakfast a few days later, Aunt Emmy held a letter +towards me with a shaking hand. Her lips trembled. She could not +articulate. + +"Am I really to read it?" + +She nodded. + +It was a charming letter, written in a delicate, refined hand. Mr. +Kingston had not heard of her father's death till the day before he +wrote. He had been away up-country for a year, broken shoulder, etc. He +was starting for England at once. He should travel almost as quickly as +his letter. He should present himself at Pembridge Square and learn her +address directly he landed. His ship was the _Sultana_. + +I took up the morning paper. + +"The _Sultana_ arrived yesterday," I said. + +I looked at the envelope. It was directed on from Pembridge Square. + +"Tom will give him my address," said Aunt Emmy faintly. "I wonder how he +knows I am not living there now. _He will--arrive here--to-day._" + +She looked straight in front of her through the open windows to the +hollyhocks basking in the still September sunshine. A radiance lit up +her face, like that which perhaps shone on Christian's when at last +across the river he saw the pearl gates of the New Jerusalem. + +"At last!" she said. "After all these years! After all these dreadful, +dreadful years!" + +An unbearable pain went through me. It was not new to me. I had known it +once before, when I had seen my child sicken. Why did it return now? + +The radiance passed. A pitiful trembling shook her like a leaf. Her eyes +turned helplessly to mine, frightened and dimmed. + +"I forgot I am an old woman," she said. + +I kissed her hand. I told her that she was handsomer than any one. She +was very dignified and gentle. + +"You are very kind to me, my dear, and it is sweet of you to feel as you +do. I believe, as you say, that I am still nice-looking. But the fact +remains that it is nearly twenty-five years since we have seen each +other. I was nineteen then. And oh! I suppose I ought not to say it, but +I _was_ pretty. People turned to look at me in the street. And now I am +forty-four." + +"But he is older than you, isn't he?" + +"Two years. What is two years! We were the same age when we were young. +But a man of forty-six is younger than a woman of forty-four." + +I was silent. There was no contradicting that obvious fact. + +"He will probably come by the 4.12 train," said Aunt Emmy, rising. "If +you don't mind, as there are so many preparations to make, I will leave +you to finish your breakfast. I have had mine." + +She left the room, and I stared at her empty plate. I was not hungry +either. I was frightened for my dear Aunt Emmy. + +And yet, she was so yielding, so selfless, so absolutely uncritical, +that if any woman could marry late she was the woman. She could have +lived with a monster of egotism without finding it out. Had she not +devoted herself to two such monsters most of her life? And perhaps Mr. +Kingston was not a monster. Aunt Emmy arranged the flowers early as she +only could arrange them. I was only allowed to fetch the water and clean +the glasses. A certain pony-cart was sent to Muddington with the cook in +it to buy a tongue, and a Stilton cheese, and a little barrel of +anchovies, and various other condiments which Uncle Tom approved. Uncle +Tom's tastes represented those of his whole sex for Aunt Emmy. + +I insisted on her eating some luncheon, but this was barely possible, as +in the midst of it a telegram was brought in from Mr. Kingston to say he +should arrive by the 4.12 train. + +After luncheon Aunt Emmy went to her room. I followed her there half an +hour later to give her a note, and found her standing in the middle of +the floor, looking at all her gowns laid out on chairs. + +"I am afraid you can only think me very silly, my dear," she said, with +a sort of humble dignity. "I wished to consult you, but I did not like +to; but as you _are_ here, and if you don't mind my asking you--a +relation can often judge best what is advantageous--which gown _do_ you +think suits me best, the grey voile, or the lilac delaine, or the white +serge?" + +I decided on the white serge, and long before the dogcart ordered to +meet him could possibly arrive, Aunt Emmy was sitting, paler than I had +ever seen her, beside a wood fire in the parlour in the soft white gown +I loved her best in, pretending to read. She had lit the fire, though +we were not in the habit of having it till later in the day, because she +thought Australians might feel chilly. + +"I don't know how it is," she said at last, laying down the book, "but I +seem quite blind. I can't see the print." + +I could not see the needle-work I was bending over either. But that was +because senseless tears kept on rising to my eyes, do what I would. Aunt +Emmy's eyes had no tears in them. + +"It is very petty of me, I know, but I do hope he has not grown stout," +she said presently. "But of course it is to be expected, and if it is so +I must try to bear it. It could not make any _real_ difference. Your +Uncle Tom is the same age, and of course he is not--he really is _not_ +as thin as he was." + +"Was he ever thin?" + +"N-no. But Mr. Kingston was, at least, not thin, but very spare and +agile-looking." + +At last the sound of wheels reached us. Aunt Emmy clasped the arms of +her chair convulsively. + +"I daresay he has not come," she said almost inaudibly. + +The wheels stopped. I went into the tiny hall. + +A tall, spare, distinguished-looking man, with weather-beaten face and +peculiarly intent, hawklike eyes, was at the gate, and I went out to +greet him. As he took off his cap his crisp hair showed a little grey in +it. He was delightful to look at. + +I don't know what I said, but I mumbled something as I shook hands with +him, and pointed to the parlour door. He nodded gravely and went in, +hitting his tall head against the low lintel. Then he closed the door +gently. And I went to my room, and locked myself in. + +When I went into the parlour an hour later at tea-time I found them +sitting one on each side of the fire. I wished with all my heart that +they could have been sitting together at this moment after the marriage +of their daughter. Both had cried a little, I could see. He certainly +had. They got up when I came in, and stood together on the hearth, a +splendid-looking couple, dwarfing the white room with its low ceiling. + +What they must have been in youth I could well imagine. + +I was reintroduced to him, and I am not sure, though they were both +smiling at each other, that they were not relieved by my entrance with +the tea. He handed her her cup and waited on her with the deferential +awkwardness of a man who has not been in women's society for years. + +"I am a rough fellow, Emmy," he said once or twice. But he was not +rough. He was charming. He did not fit in at all with my preconceived +ideas of "Colonials." And it was quickly evident to me that his tender +admiration of Aunt Emmy still survived. I was partly reassured. Perhaps, +after all, he had brought happiness with him. + + * * * * * + +Saint Luke's summer was glorious that year, and it was nowhere more +wonderful than in the forest. One still golden day followed another, the +gossamer-threaded sunshine flooding the glades of yellowing and amber +trees, spilling itself headlong amid the rusting bracken, and losing +itself in the tiny foliage of the whortleberry, which, all its little +oval leaves, ruddy as a robin's breast, was imitating the trees, like a +miniature autumn forest underfoot. + +Aunt Emmy and Mr. Kingston walked daily in the marvel of the forest, and +it seemed as if the autumn sun shone kindly on them. Sometimes on her +return there was a bewildered look in her face which I did not +understand, and I wondered whether indeed all was well; but I put the +thought away, for his love for her was beyond the possibility of doubt, +and had not her love for him coloured her whole life? + +And yet-- + +Once I saw him take up _Ole Scorpio_ with a careful hand, and then +replace it in its recess with its spout pointing towards the room. +Presently, when he had gone, she gently moved it back to its former +position, exactly _en profile_, and the senseless idea darted through my +mind as I watched her do it that if her romance were moved from its +niche, she would instinctively wish to do the same, to readjust it to +the angle from which she had looked at it so long. + +As the days passed and the first shyness between them wore off, the +primitive life he had led for so many years showed itself in a certain +slowness of speech, a disinclination to make acquaintance with the +neighbours, and an increasing tendency to long, tranquil silences with a +pipe in the garden. But, wonderful to say, it had not apparently +blunted him mentally. And he actually cared for books. Unfortunately, +there were almost no books in the cottage. How he had kept it I cannot +imagine, but he certainly had retained a quickness of apprehension which +made him half-unconsciously adapt himself to Aunt Emmy and her little +habits in a way that astonished me. It was she who showed herself less +perceptive as regarded him. But this she never divined. She had got it +rooted into her small, graceful head that he would naturally wish to +converse principally about his farm. And, in spite of scant +encouragement, she continually "showed an interest," as she herself +expressed it, in sheep, and water creeks, and snakes, and bush fires. He +was always perfectly good-natured, and ready to answer; but I sometimes +wondered how it was she did not realise that she asked the same +questions over and over again. + +"Uncle Bob does not seem to care to talk much about his farming," I +ventured one day. "Perhaps he wishes to forget it for a little while." + +"My dear," said Aunt Emmy rebukingly, "when you are as old as I am, you +will know that the only thing men really care to talk of _is_ their +business. My dear father always talked of stocks, and shares, and--and +bonuses. He said I could not understand about them, as indeed I could +not, but it interested me very much to listen. And your Uncle Tom, as +you may remember"--I did indeed--"did the same. It is natural that Mr. +Kingston's mind should dwell on agricultural subjects." + +Presently wicked men began to mow the bracken with great scythes, and to +carry it away in carts which tilted and elbowed their way down the +mossy, heather-fringed tracks. Here and there the down-stretched arms of +the firs caught the topmost fronds of bracken and swept them from their +murdered brethren, and held them precariously suspended, only to drop +them when the first wind went by. + +I left the cottage for a week to visit my husband's relations, and when +I returned the forest was bare. An indefinable sadness seemed to brood +over it, and to have reached Aunt Emmy as well. Mr. Kingston had also +been away to visit his relations, and had returned, and was staying at +the little inn on the edge of the forest, from which he could more +readily run up daily to town to have his shoulder massaged, which still +troubled him. + +Aunt Emmy told me all this in her garden, where she was dividing her +white pinks. I knew she intended to make a fresh border, but the action +filled me with consternation. + +"But Aunt Emmy," I said (the foolish words jolted out of me by sudden +anxiety), "will you--will you be _here_ next spring?" + +I could have struck myself the moment the words were out of my mouth. + +The trowel dropped from her hand. + +"Oh no!" she said confusedly. "Neither I shall. I was forgetting. I +shall be in Australia." + +She looked round the little garden which she had made with her own +hands, and back to the white cottage, up to its eyes in Michaelmas +daisies, which had become such an ideal home, and in which, poor dear! +she had taken a deeper root than she knew, and a bewildered pain passed +for a moment over her face. It was as if she had been walking in her +sleep, and had suddenly come in contact with some obstacle, and had +waked up and was not for the first moment certain of her surroundings. + +"He is more to me than any cottage," she said, recovering herself +with a little gasp. "I had hoped perhaps he would have come and lived +here, and let me take care of him, after all his years of hard work. +But it was a selfish idea. He has told me that he cannot leave his +work or his uncle, who has been so kind to him, and who is very infirm +now--partially paralysed, and needing the greatest care. I shall--let +the cottage." + +"What is the place in Australia like?" I said with duplicity, for of +course I knew by this time exactly what it was like. But I wanted to +change her thoughts. + +She led the way indoors, and pointed to a sheaf of unmounted +photographs. I took them up, and examined them as if for the first time. +My heart sank as I looked at the inoffensive figure of the poor old +uncle in the verandah, whom Aunt Emmy was of course to nurse. The house +which that hard-working old man had built himself stood nakedly upon a +piece of naked ground. There was not a tree near it. Beyond were the +great cattle-yards and farm buildings, and what looked like an endless, +shrubless field. And on the right was the new two-windowed room, no +longer very new, which Mr. Kingston had built seventeen years ago for +Aunt Emmy. I knew how much labour that hideous addition meant, which was +a sort of degraded cousin many times removed from the pert villa +drawing-rooms, peering over portugal laurels on the road to Muddington. +I knew that Mr. Kingston had papered and painted that room with his own +hands. I knew also, but Aunt Emmy did not, that he had repapered and +repainted it several times while it waited for her. And yet by no +wildest effort of the imagination could I picture Aunt Emmy living +there, though her heart had been there all her life. + +A sudden rage rose within me against the deceased Uncle Thomas, and +against this other decrepit uncle, waiting to be nursed. + +I laid down the photographs, and went a turn in the forest, leaving Aunt +Emmy sitting idle in her gardening gloves. My foolish words had stopped +her happy activity. I was angry with myself, with Fate, with Australia, +with everything, and not least with Mr. Kingston. + +Everywhere in the bare glades little orphaned families of bracken held +their arched necks a few inches from the ground. Even in their +bereavement they too had remembered that it was autumn, and their tiny +curled fronds protecting their downcast faces were golden and ruddy. As +I turned a corner I suddenly caught sight of Mr. Kingston a few paces +from me, looking earnestly at one of these little groups. I did not want +to meet him just then, and I half turned aside; but he had already seen +me, and he gave a gesture of welcome, and I had to stop. + +My anger subsided somewhat as he came up. He looked harassed, and as if +he had not slept. + +"And so you are back," he said. "I was just wishing that you were at the +moment I caught sight of you. If you think it possible that a word or +two could be dragged out of such a silent enigmatical person as +yourself, I should like to have a little talk with you." + +I could not help liking him. His keen eyes were kindly, though his face +was grave. + +"What do you want to talk about?" I said bluntly. + +"What an unnecessary question. What can I want to talk about except +Emmy?" + +I was silent. I felt more uncomfortable about the whole affair than I +had done yet, and that was saying a good deal. + +Mr. Kingston led the way down a little track to a place where the trees +grew so close together that the murderous scythes had not been able to +get in among them. Here the bracken had been unmolested, and was going +unharassed through all its most gorgeous pageant. Great fronds of ivory +white, of palest gold, of brownest gold, of reddest gold upreared +themselves among the purple waves of the heather, wearing the stray +flecks of the sunshine like jewels on their breasts. We sat down on a +fallen tree round which the bracken had wrapped its splendour. + +"How extraordinarily beautiful it is!" he said, more to himself than to +me, putting out his long, artistic hand, gnarled and hardened with work, +and touching a pale frond with a reverent finger. "I am glad to have +seen it once more. It is twenty-five years since I have seen an English +autumn." + +There was a moment's silence, and then he went on without any change of +tone: + +"And you are thinking, you sad-faced, downright little woman who are so +afraid that I am going to make your dear Aunt Emmy unhappy, you are +thinking that you did not take a precarious seat on this trunk in order +to hear a possible enemy descant on the beauties of nature." + +I was astonished at his penetration. My own experience, gleaned entirely +from the genial little egotist whose wife I was, had taught me that men +never noticed anything. I had had no idea that I had shown the fear of +him which I felt. + +"And yet you are my only possible ally," he went on, "my only helper, if +you are willing to help me, in the somewhat difficult task which I have +in hand." + +"You mean, marrying my aunt?" I said. + +"No," he said, looking at me with a kindness which made me ready to sink +into the ground with shame. "I can do _that_ without assistance. Emmy, +God bless her! has been ready to marry me any time these twenty-five +years, and, poor soul, she is ready now. She has not the faintest idea +what she would be in for if she did, but she is ready to risk it." + +I was silent. I was bewildered for one thing, and I did not want "to put +my foot in it" again immediately for another. And there was really no +need for me to speak, for he went on slowly, looking full at me: + +"What I have to do, if I can, is to save Emmy's romance for her." + +I could only stare at him. + +"For twenty-five years," he went on, "that dear woman has lived on her +love for me. It has coloured her whole life. I know what I know. It has +been her support in all the endless years she nursed that cruel old +egoist her father, who would not let her marry me, when we _could_ have +married, seventeen years ago. But it is not _me_ that she wants now, +though she did want me for many years; it is the thought of me--if you +can't understand without my saying it, I can't make you--it's her +romance which is important to her, and which I want her to keep, at all +costs." + +"My darling Emmy," he said, and there were tears in his hawk eyes, "the +most unselfish and devoted, the sweetest, the humblest, and the most +beautiful creature I have ever known. And she has given up everything +out of constancy to me, home, children, everything; no, not for me +exactly, but for a dream, for an ideal, for something of which I was to +her the symbol, but which I no more resemble than I resemble that frond +of bracken." + +He turned his face away. + +"It would have been all right if they would have let us marry when we +were both still young, and I had got a home together," he went on; "but +now it would be inhuman to root her out of her little home and drag her +across the world, and try to transplant her into my rough place. How +rough it is I see, now that I have been back in England. I did not know +it was so uncouth when I lived in it. It's the only life I'm accustomed +to, the only life I'm fit for now, though it was sorely against the +grain at first. I don't think I could have stuck to it, except for the +hope of marrying her some day. But I see now the only life I'm fit for +is not fit for her. And I can't give it up. I can't desert my poor old +uncle, who is growing infirm and depends on me entirely." + +"Why did you come back?" I groaned. + +"I came back," he said, "because I have cared for her and worked for her +all my life. And because I heard that her beast of a father had left her +almost penniless, and that fat Tom had married and turned her out. And +until I saw her again from day to day I did not realise the nature of +her feeling for me. I came back to offer her what I had, not that it +was much, hoping to marry her and take her back with me.... But that is +not what would make my Emmy happy _now_. What she needs is to go on in +this perfect little doll's house, this little haven, thinking of me, and +praying for me, and tending her flowers, and mourning like a dove in its +tree because we are parted." + +It was exactly what Aunt Emmy needed. I could not have put it into +words, but this strange man had done so. + +"You will not speak," he said, "but you agree with me for all that. I +had to make sure you agreed. Your confirmation is all I wanted, and now +I have it." + +It was not that I would not speak. I could not speak. I was thinking of +the room in that horrid wooden house which he had built for her. + +After a few minutes he went on quietly: + +"I think the thing for me to do is to be ruined, only partially, of +course, not enough to make her miserable, and to hurry back to Australia +without her at once for the time being, and from there to write +regularly by every mail, nice letters (they cannot be forbidden now); +but never to come back any more. A bank has just failed in Australia in +which I had money. The situation can be arranged." + +I looked away from him. + +"I owe it to her," he said. + + + + +THE UNDERSTUDY + + The only form of human love that atrophies the heart is the love + of self. + + +Marion Wright sat in the centre seat of the third row of the stalls, +shivering in spite of her sables. It was the dress rehearsal of her +first play, that play on which she had spent herself to the verge of +mental bankruptcy. + +The nauseating presentiment of failure, the distaste and scorn of her +own work, were upon her, which the artist never escapes, which return as +acutely after twenty successes as in the hours of suspense before the +first essay. Marion's surroundings were not of a nature to reassure her. +To her unaccustomed eyes the empty, dimly lit theatre, swathed and +bandaged in dust-sheets, looked ominously dreary. Had any one ever +laughed in this shrouded desert? The long lines of stalls huddled under +their wrinkled coverings stretched before and behind her. The boxes were +shapeless holes of pallid grime. It was as if a London fog had trailed +its dingy veil over everything. There was a fog outside as well, and the +few electric lights which had been turned up peered blurred and yellow. +An immense ladder, three ladders tied together, reared itself from the +stalls to the roof. Something was being done to the lights on the +ceiling. Tired-looking men in overcoats were creeping into the +orchestra, thrusting white faces under screened lights, and rustling +papers on stands. + +Marion had the theatre to herself except for a few whisperers in the +back row of the stalls--her maid, an attendant, one or two actors of +minor parts who did not appear in the first act, and a few costumiers. + +It was fiercely cold, and she had not slept for several nights. She +wished she had never been born. + +A magnificent-looking woman, wearing her chin tilted slightly upwards, +was squeezing herself and an immense fur coat towards her along the +stalls, and sat down beside her. This was Lenore, the leading lady. + +She turned a colourless, beautifully shaped face and heavy eyes with +bistred lashes towards Marion. + +"I suppose we shall have to wait about two hours for Mr. Montgomery," +she said apathetically. + +"Does he always keep people waiting?" + +"Always, since he made his great hit in _The Deodars_." + +There was a moment's silence. + +"Mr. Montgomery does not like his part," said the leading lady +tentatively, hanging a hand in an interminable white glove over the back +of the stall in front of her. + +Marion's face hardened. + +"It's not a sympathetic part," she said, "but an artist ought not to +think of that." + +"No, it's not sympathetic," acquiesced Lenore, turning up her fur +collar. "It seems as if the principal man's part never _is_ sympathetic +in a woman's play. If the central figure is a woman, the men grouped +round her are generally prize specimens of worms. I wonder why. In your +play, now, Maggie's everything! George does not count for much, as far +as I can see. Even Maggie had not much use for him." + +"She loved him," said the author, with asperity. + +"Did she? Sometimes when I'm playing Maggie to Montgomery's George I +wonder if she did. And I just wonder now and then if I would have thrown +him over as she did. I mean for good and all. It seems to me--if she'd +cared for him, cared _really_, you know----" + +"She did," interposed Marion harshly. + +"Wouldn't she have quarrelled and made it up again? Would she have been +quite so hard on him?" + +"Yes, she would. Think, just think what she must have suffered in the +third act, the scene at the Savoy, when, loving him as she did, trusting +him as she did, she saw him come in with----" + +"Well, I expect you know best," said Lenore, whose interest seemed to +flag suddenly; "anyhow, she suffered, poor thing. Women like her always +do, I think." She rose slowly. "I may as well go and dress. I suppose we +shall be here till midnight." + +The orchestra struck up. + +"Anyhow, she suffered." + +The violins caught up the words and dinned them over and over again into +Marion's ears. Women like Maggie, women with deep hearts like +herself--for was not Maggie herself?--they always suffered, always +suffered, always!--said the violins. + +The manager suddenly appeared in front of the curtain and walked swiftly +over the little bridge from the stage to the stalls. He was a small, +sturdy, thin-lipped, choleric man, who looked as if he were made up of +energy; energy distilled and bottled. Some one had said of him that his +hat was really a glass stopper, which might fly off at any moment. + +It was off now. There had evidently been an explosion. He held a note in +his hand. + +"Montgomery has given up the part," he said. "He was odd at rehearsal +yesterday. I felt there was something wrong. He said he had no show. Now +he says he's too ill to come--bronchitis." + +The sense of disaster which had been hanging over Marion all day slipped +and engulfed her like an avalanche. She felt paralysed. + +"Then the play can't go on?" she said. + +"If it had to happen, better to-night than to-morrow night," said the +manager. "Montgomery is as slippery as an eel. I don't suppose he has +got bronchitis; but I have no doubt if I rushed over there at this +moment, I should find him in bed with a steam-kettle. He would play the +part." + +"What will you do?" gasped Marion. + +"Do?" he said. "Do? There's only one thing to do. Go through with the +play! It will start in two minutes, and we shall see what the understudy +can make of it. He's as clever as he can stick, and he's word perfect, +at any rate." + +"Who is he?" + +"A Mr. Delacour; at least, that's his stage name. He's been in America +for the last five years. Clever enough, but a rolling stone. He's not to +be depended on, poor devil; but it's Hobson's choice--we've got to +depend on him." + +The manager sat down beside her and clapped his hands. + +The lights suddenly burned up behind the curtain, the curtain rose and +the play began. + +Some plays, some books, some men and women, possess a mysterious force +which, for lack of a better word, we call vitality. Those who possess it +not call it by all manner of ugly names. But, nevertheless, it is the +great gift, the power that overcomes, which makes life on a large scale +possible, which makes the soldier, the lover, the saint, possible. Most +of us are only half alive. Our work is half dead. We deal in creep-mouse +sentiment, and call it love. We write pathetically of our impotence to +live, and call it resignation. We who have never been young, compare +notes with each other on how to remain senile, and call it the art of +growing old. + +But others go through life, and spend themselves on it, piece by piece, +with ardour as they go. These are the teachers--only they never teach. +They know. If we want to learn anything, we can watch them. And some of +us, again--and this is the hardest fate of all--come into life +inadequately equipped, not provisioned for a prolonged journey. What +little we have, and what little there is of us, we expend on the first +part of life, and having nothing left for middle age. + +Such a woman was Marion. She had talent, and she had, besides--as the +manager beside her had divined--one live play in her. But he doubted +whether she had more than one. She looked insolvent, a dweller in the +past, crippled by an acute memory. No doubt it was this self-regarding +memory which had resulted in the play. It was obviously a personal +experience, and as she was rich enough to share the risk of producing +it, he was more than ready to put it on. It was full of faults; it was +melodramatic, it was amateurish, but it was passionately alive. The pit +and the gallery would love it; and if the stalls found it a little +cheap, what of that? He had considerable _flair_. He believed it would +succeed. + +He glanced once or twice furtively at the handsome, unhappy-looking, +richly furred woman beside him--no longer young, "past youth, but not +past passion," with much of the charm of youth lingering in her graceful +erectness, her pretty hair, her delicate pallor. + +She had told him feverishly that the only thing she cared for--had ever +cared for--was art, success, fame. He had heard something like it often +before. + +He wished, with a half-sigh, that a little of that uneasy, egotistic +ambition might have been instilled into the heart of Lenore, for whom +he had a compassionate, bottled-up attachment of many years' standing. + +Poor Lenore! What an actress, and what a hopelessly womanly woman, still +mourning the providential demise of an impossible brother who had lived +on her. + +She was on the stage now, looking about seventeen, all youth and garden +hat and white muslin. + +Marion's face twitched. She was living her own youth over again. + +There was a pause. Lenore picked a rose to gain time, and looked into +the wings. + +"Delacour!" roared the manager, bouncing up in his stall and then +sitting down again. + +"We cut it here," said Lenore, advancing to the footlights, "and he +doesn't know. It is not his fault. He's waiting for his cue. See, Mr. +Delacour! Leave out that bit about the daisies, and come on at +'happiness.'" + +The understudy came on, and Marion's heart thrust suddenly at her like a +rapier, and left her for dead, staring in front of her. + +This was no understudy. This was the original George of the drama when +it was first acted. Marion saw the lover of her youth come on and kiss +Lenore's hand, with the same gesture with which he had once kissed +hers--in the sunshine, in a Kentish garden, beside a lavender bush, with +a bumble bee in it, ten endless years ago. + +He was hardly changed--a little thinner, perhaps, but not a day older in +his paint; the same reckless, debonair creature whom Marion had loved, +who had wounded her and grieved her, whom she had discarded at last with +bitter anger, whom she had never forgotten, whom she remembered with +anguish. + +The curtain was down before she recovered herself, and the conductor was +waving his baton. + +The manager turned to her with some excitement. + +"If only he can keep it up!" he said. "Delacour puts life into the +love-making. He makes love well, don't you think?" + +"Admirably." + +"If only he can keep it up!" repeated the manager. + +Through the two acts which followed, the understudy kept it up. He did +more. He acted with an intensity that made the rest of the play somewhat +colourless. At the end of the scene at the Savoy, just before the +curtain fell, he added a sentence of his own. + +In a second, before she knew what she had done, Marion had sprung to her +feet, and had said in a harsh, loud voice: + +"That last sentence is not in the part." + +The play stopped. The hurrying waiters with dishes stood stock still and +gaped, as astonished as if the interruption had been in real life. Some +of the supers at the little tables in the background got up to see what +was happening. + +Delacour, wineglass in hand, came forward to the footlights, and their +eyes met. + +"I beg your pardon," he said. "You say it is not in the part. I thought +it was. I will omit it in future." + +"You will do no such thing!" bawled the manager, leaping to his feet and +shaking his fist at him. "Omit it! Why, Miss Wright, it's an +inspiration. Gets him the whole sympathy just at the critical moment. +And what a curtain! Good God! What a curtain!" + +"Isn't it?" said Lenore. "Leave out my bit at the end altogether, and +make _that_ the curtain. Don't you agree, Miss Wright? And, look here, +Mr. Delacour, take the front centre here." + +"Start again at 'falsehood,'" said the manager briskly to Lenore. "Now, +then, everybody. Sit down at the back there. Now----" + +The play started again. Marion, astonished at her own violence, ashamed, +shattered by conflicting emotions, speechless, could only bow her +approval of the change, not that the manager cared a pin whether she +approved or not. + +_Was Delacour acting?_ Marion knew that he was not. And as the play +proceeded it changed in character. The words were the words she had +written. Many of them were the words he had used himself, but his +passion transformed them. They took on a new meaning. It was Maggie who +was becoming a mean figure in spite of her grandiloquence--perhaps +because of it. Her rigid principles, her petty, egotistic pride, her +faultless demeanour jarred on the audience. Lenore, like a true artist, +caught the novel side of the situation and emphasised it. Her Maggie +dwindled, dwindled, until the man held the stage alone, dominated it. +Marion had never before seen his side of the miserable drama in which +her happiness had made shipwreck, had never before seen her own +character in this light. It was as if he were saying the truth at last, +defending himself at last--which he had never done in real life. + +Finally repulsed, silent under her scornful invective, Delacour gathered +himself together and went off magnificent in defeat. + +The curtain fell for the last time. + +The tiny audience, strengthened by the rest of the cast who were not +needed in the final scene, broke into rapturous applause. The manager, +excited and radiant, clapped with the rest. + +"He's immense. He's immense!" he kept on saying. "Delacour's the making +of it. He's immense! Hang Montgomery! He may have bronchitis till he's +blue. Delacour makes the play. I will fetch him!" + +He disappeared behind the curtain, and in a few minutes reappeared, +dragging Delacour with him to introduce him to Marion. + +"We have met before," she said faintly, putting out her hand. + +"Did we ever really meet?" he said gently, taking it for a second in +his. + +He seemed quite exhausted. Now that she saw him close at hand, he looked +much older. And his face was grievously lined, deteriorated. + +She tried to thank him, to express her gratitude for the way he had +extricated them from a great difficulty; but her words were so +hesitating and frigid that the manager broke in, shaking him warmly by +the hand. + +Delacour bowed his thanks, murmured something conventional, and was +gone. + +Every one was in a hurry to go, too. Marion remained a moment longer +talking to the manager, and then they went together through the royal +box to the private entrance, where her brougham was waiting. Just as +they reached it, he was called away, and an attendant let her out. + +Waiting beside her brougham, in the rain, holding the door for her, was +Delacour, in a shabby overcoat, his hat in his hand. + +Again their eyes met in a long look. His, sombre, melancholy, humble, +had a great appeal in them. + +She seemed encased in some steel armour, which made movement and speech +wellnigh impossible. She thanked him inaudibly. + +He shut the door, said "Home" to the coachman, and turned away. + +The carriage drove off. + +Then something in Marion snapped. Her other self, the poor woman in her +whom she had denied and starved and brow-beaten, pounced upon her and +called out suddenly, desperately: + +"Forgive him. What is life without him? Think of the last ten years. Has +there been one day in all those grinding years when you have not longed +to see him? Has there ever been one day when you would not have given up +your ease and luxury for a cottage with him? And now he has come back +into your life. He still loves you. Are you going to lose him again? You +were vindictive, and you know it. Go back now and kneel down in the wet +street and ask him to forgive you. Quick! quick!--before it is too +late." + +The other woman in her, the woman who had discarded him, stopped her +ears. + +"No, no; I had good reasons for breaking with him. They hold as good +to-day as ten years ago." + +"Very well," said the other scornfully. "Then never dare to tell +yourself again that you ever loved him. Let that lie cease. Your love +was only pretty words and pride and self-seeking, and a miserable streak +of passion. What do you care what happens to him? Don't go back. You +don't care for him. You never cared. Never, never. And he knows it. He +is telling himself so now--at this moment." + +She stopped the brougham. She trembled so much that she could hardly +tell the man to drive back to the theatre. He turned slowly, the horse +evidently reluctant, and in a few minutes she was once more at the +private entrance. The door was closed. No one was to be seen in the +little _cul de sac_. The lamp over the door was out. She got out and +rang--once, twice, and yet again. Then she realised that every one else +had hurried away as precipitately as she had done, for the dawn was +already in the sky. She dragged herself back into her carriage and drove +home, shaking in every limb. + +After all, it did not matter. She would get his address from the manager +first thing to-morrow, and go straight on and see him, and sacrifice her +pride, and beseech him to take her back. She had been too proud. She +saw that at last. She would say so. She saw at last that resentment is +disloyalty. She would say so. She was so sick of her present life that +she would say anything. And he loved her still, thank God! And--thank +God, too--she was rich. And it was obvious that he was poor. She had +much to share with him. And she was still attractive. Other men still +wished to marry her. She was pretty, still. All that she had, all that +she still was, she would give him. And this long nightmare of the last +ten years would pass at last, as that other nightmare of her youth had +passed--her wretched home, with a drunken father and a heartbroken +mother. That had passed, though at the time it had seemed as if it would +endure for ever. Her parents had died, and her vulgar, kindly, rich aunt +had adopted her. And now this second nightmare was at an end, too. The +ache would go out of her life, the long daily hunger and thirst would +cease. There would be no more dreadful homecomings after evenings of +amusement; no more sick recoil and despair at waking and seeing the pale +finger of the dawn upon the blind. She would be happy at last. + +Marion cried herself to sleep that night. Next morning, as early as she +dared, she was at the theatre. The manager was going through his usual +paroxysm of anxiety and ill-temper which preceded a first night. He +could hardly find time for a word with her. There was a hitch in the +scenery of the last act; the lighting was not yet repaired; one of the +actors of the minor parts was ill, for whom an understudy had not been +provided; and the head scene-shifter had sprained his wrist. + +"I won't keep you," said Marion, as he hurried up, fuming; "I only want +Mr. Delacour's address. I should like to see him at once--to--to talk to +him about his part. There are a few points----" + +"Delacour's address?" said the manager. "Don't know it. Oh, yes, of +course!" He tore a little notebook out of his pocket. Then he suddenly +looked up at her. "Don't go to him. Send for him, if you like, or see +him here. He'll be here in an hour--at least, he will be if Smith is +worth his salt. I've bribed him to keep a lynx eye on him day and night, +and bring him up to time. But don't go and see him. I suppose you know +he----" + +"He's married?" gasped Marion. + +The manager laughed scornfully. + +"He _drinks_, my dear lady. He drinks. He's only just out of an +inebriates' home. But don't alarm yourself. If he's watched, I dare say +we shall manage all right. I hope to goodness we shall! Don't look so +scared. Smith has charge of him, and he is accustomed to the job. He was +quite sober last night. I hear he always is after an outbreak. You're +going home? Well, I think you're right. Yes, very cold here now. Quite +right not to stop. See you again later." + +Marion drove home and shut herself up in her room. There was no need to +lock the door. She was alone in the world, alone in her handsome, empty +house, where she had always been alone, even before her aunt died and +left it to her.... She would always be alone now. Only yesterday she had +hoped--what had she not hoped! She had seen him there in imagination +changing this weary house into a home, brilliant and faulty as ever, +lovable as ever, beloved as ever, surrounded by her lavished adoration. +She had seen their children running along its wide passages, playing in +its empty hall. + +And now. + +_He drank._ + +She shuddered. She had seen drink once. She knew. Never while she lived +would she forget what her home had been like. The past crowded back upon +her with all its vileness and nausea, all its unspeakable degradation +and violence, wrapped up with maudlin sentiment and cheap tears. The +sweat stood on her forehead. + +What an escape she had had! To think that if it had not been for that +chance word of the manager's she would by now have pledged herself +irrevocably to a drunkard, waded back into the slough from which she had +emerged. Oh, what a merciful fate it had been, after all, which had +parted them! How faithless she had been all these years! How little she +had realised how the divine love and wisdom had watched over her, had +shielded her! + +"Oh! thank God! Thank God!" she groaned. The other self in her, the poor +dying woman in her, arose on her deathbed and screamed to her, screamed +insane things. If a certain voice is too long ignored, its dictates seem +at last insane. + +"Take him back all the same!" gasped the dying voice. "Marry him. +Devote yourself to him, day and night. Cure him. Set him up. You love +him. Love can do it, if anything can." + +"I can't do it," groaned Marion. "Mother tried, but it was no good." + +"Then do as she did, try and fail." + +"I can't. He would break my heart." + +"Let him break it." + +Marion strangled the terrible, urgent voice with fury, and then cried as +if her heart would indeed break. The silenced voice spoke no more. + + * * * * * + +The play was a great success. Delacour, who had recently returned from +America, was the making of it. Lenore was the first to acknowledge it, +though his success was at her expense. Her part seemed only as a foil to +the sombre splendour of his. + +The play ran and ran. + +Delacour made no further effort to speak to Marion. He avoided her +systematically. He, on his side, was watched, was spied on, was +protected from himself, was never given a chance of yielding to +temptation. His self-imposed gaoler loved him. He was very lovable. The +manager was enthusiastic. Ignorant people said he was reformed. It +almost seemed as if he might grasp the great position to which his +talent entitled him. But how often before he had fallen just when he was +doing well! No one could depend on him. His record in America gradually +became known. It was a record of hideous outbreaks and cancelled +engagements. + +By dint of the strenuous will of others, to which he yielded himself, he +was kept on his feet through the whole run of the play. + +And then, released from surveillance, exhausted in mind and body--he +fell again. + +He blazed like a comet across the theatrical world, and then set as +suddenly as he had risen. + +Marion heard of it and shuddered. She had had a narrow escape. + + * * * * * + +She never wrote another play--at least, she never wrote another that +pleased a manager. She said she had not time. In spite of her success, +she felt a distaste for things theatrical. And perhaps she found that +success is not as warm a garment for a shivering life as she had +expected. There is a little fleecy wrap called affection, within the +reach of all of us, which she might have donned. But, as she often said, +there was, unfortunately, no one for whom she had much affection. She +was alone in the world. Her interest in the theatre was gradually +replaced by religion. Once she heard with real regret that Lenore had +lost her memory, and chloral was hinted at as the cause. She thought of +trying to save her, of making an earnest appeal to that better self +which, according to Marion, exists in all of us. But when she made +further inquiries about her, with a view to rescuing her, she was +daunted by the discovery that Lenore had been privately married to +Delacour for some time past, and that her declension, which was really +due to drink, dated from the time of the marriage. + +A year passed. Delacour began to make fitful reappearances, then more +frequent ones. He took and kept regular engagements. But his wife +returned no more. + +Presently Marion's own play was revived with success. It was one of +Delacour's greatest parts. And Marion went to see it, hidden behind the +curtains of her box. + +The years since she had last sat in that box had not dealt kindly with +her. Her discontented face showed that she was one of the many victims +of arrested development, still hampered in middle age by the egotistic +longings of youth. In youth we all want to receive instead of to give, +to be loved, to be served, to be admired. Middle age is the time to +reverse engines, the time to love, to serve, to give rather than to +receive. Marion had not learned that elementary lesson of life. We all +recognise them at sight, the nervous, fretful faces of the middle-aged +men and women who want to be loved. And love knows them, too, and--flies +them. + +The manager, somewhat pinched and grizzled, as from a long fast, came in +to see her between the acts, and growled out his disapproval of his +leading lady. + +"She's nothing to Lenore," he said. + +"Is she too"--Marion sought for a charitable word--"too ill to act?" + +"She is too ill to act," said the manager. "She will never act any more. +She is dying." + +There was a silence. + +"She is dying of drink," he said; "and if there is such a place as +heaven, she is very near it. And if there is such a person as God, I +hope she will say a word for me when she gets there." + +Marion did not speak. She was horrified. + +"She would marry Delacour," said the manager. "I begged her to marry me. +Over and over again I asked her. But she said I could do without her, +and Delacour couldn't. They fell in love with each other at this very +play when it was first put on. I saw it coming, and it spelt disaster +for her. But it was the real thing; and when the real thing comes, we +all have to knock under to it. It doesn't come often. Most of us are +quite incapable of it. I have only seen it once or twice. I dare say I +have never felt it, though I should have liked to take care of Lenore, +and not let her work so hard, and make a garden for her. She loves +flowers and running water. I made the garden just on the chance, but she +has never seen it. Down in Sussex it is, with a little old-world cottage +in it. It is a pretty place. Pergola; small cascade with rustic bridge; +fishpond, with green-tiled floor to show up the gold-fish. And a rose +garden. I should have liked her to see it. But she and Delacour! It was +like a thing in a book. They fell in love, and he behaved well. He +wouldn't marry her. He said he knew he couldn't cure himself of +drink--that his will was too weak. But she was determined to marry him. +She said her will was strong enough for both of them. I don't know about +her will. I think it was her love which was strong enough. He gave in at +last and married her. I know I shouldn't have held out as long as he +did. And for a little while things went well. He was at her feet. He +told me it was the first time any woman had ever cared for him. For a +little while I almost hoped--and then, in spite of his love for her, in +spite of everything, he began to drink again. Then she told him that +what he drank she should drink, and she stuck to it. If he drank, she +drank the same. If he 'nipped,' she did the same. When he got drunk, she +got drunk. It was kill or cure. And he loved her. That was her hold over +him. It took time, but she broke him of it. He suffered too much seeing +her kill herself for his sake, and it steadied him. He _had_ to give it +up." + +"Then, now--why doesn't she give it up, too?" + +"She can't," said the manager, his face twitching. "She was too far gone +by the time he was cured. She had not his physique. She was absolutely +played out. She is dying, and they both know it. But she does not mind. +She has saved him. That was the point. She is perfectly happy. She does +not care about anything else. He is a great actor. She has lived to see +him recognised. Some women wouldn't have risked it. But I suppose a +woman will take any risk if she loves, at least, women like Lenore +will." + +"And does he--in spite of this--does he love her still?" said Marion, +with dry lips. + +The manager was silent. + +"I did not think any one could care as much for Lenore as I did," he +said at last, "but Delacour does--he cares more." + + +_Printed by Hazell, Watson & Viney, Ld., London and Aylesbury._ + + + + +SHORTER NOVELS BY GREATER WRITERS + +_Each 2s. 6d. net._ + + THE GORGEOUS ISLE + By GERTRUDE ATHERTON + Author of "Rezanov," "Ancestors." + + THE LOWEST RUNG + By Miss CHOLMONDELEY + Author of "Moth and Rust." + + A COUNTY FAMILY + By STORER CLOUSTON + Author of "Count Bunker." + + IRRESOLUTE CATHERINE + By VIOLET JACOBS + Author of "The Sheep Stealers." + + OUT IN THE OPEN + By LUCAS MALET + Author of "Sir Richard Calmady." + + A FISH OUT OF WATER + By F. F. MONTRÉSOR + Author of "The Burning Torch." + + THE MILLS OF THE GODS + By ELIZABETH ROBINS + Author of "The Magnetic North." + + + + +THIN PAPER EDITIONS. + +THE DEFINITIVE EDITION OF THE WORKS OF GEORGE BORROW + +_In specially designed cover, with full gilt back. F'cap 8vo. Cloth, +1s. net; Lambskin, gilt top, 2s. net._ + + THE BIBLE IN SPAIN; or, The Journeys, Adventures, and Imprisonments + of an Englishman in an Attempt to Circulate the Scriptures in + the Peninsula. With the Notes and Glossary of ULICK BURKE. + + 880 pages, with Portrait, and 3 Half-tone reproductions from + Water-Colour Sketches by A. H. Hallam Murray. + + LAVENGRO: The Scholar, the Gypsy, the Priest. Containing + the Unaltered Text of the original issue; some suppressed + Episodes printed only in the editions issued by Mr. Murray; + MS. Variorum, Vocabulary, and Notes by Professor W. I. KNAPP. + + 608 pages, with 8 Pen and Ink Sketches by Percy Wadham. + + ROMANY RYE. A sequel to "Lavengro." Containing the + Unaltered Text of the original issue, with Notes, etc., by + Professor W. I. KNAPP. + + 432 pages, with 7 Pen and Ink Sketches by F. G. Kitson. + + WILD WALES: Its People, Language, and Scenery. + 768 pages, 8 Half-tone Illustrations by A. S. Hartrick, and Map. + + THE GYPSIES OF SPAIN. Their Manners, Customs, Religion and Language. + 464 pages, with 7 Half-tone Illustrations by A. Wallis Mills. + + ROMANO LAVO LIL: The Word Book of the Romany or English Gypsy + Language, with Specimens of Gypsy Poetry and an account of + certain Gypsyries, or places inhabited by them, and of + various things relating to Gypsy Life in England. + + + + +WORKS OF SAMUEL SMILES + +_In specially designed cover, With full gilt back, gilt top, and silk +marker. F'cap 8vo. Cloth, 2s. net; Lambskin, 2s. 6d. net._ + + SELF-HELP. With Illustrations of Conduct and Perseverance. + 512 pages, with 6 Half-tone Illustrations. + + CHARACTER. A Book of Noble Characteristics. + 448 pages, with 6 Half-tone Illustrations. + + DUTY. With Illustrations of Courage, Patience, and Endurance. + 496 pages, with 5 Half-tone Illustrations. + + THRIFT. A Book of Domestic Counsel. + 448 pages, with 7 Half-tone Illustrations. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LOWEST RUNG*** + + +******* This file should be named 24587-8.txt or 24587-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/5/8/24587 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p class="noi">Title: The Lowest Rung</p> +<p class="noi"> Together with The Hand on the Latch, St. Luke's Summer and The Understudy </p> +<p class="noi">Author: Mary Cholmondeley</p> +<p class="noi">Release Date: February 12, 2008 [eBook #24587]<br /> +Most recently revised: February 14, 2008</p> +<p class="noi">Language: English</p> +<p class="noi">Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p class="noi">***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LOWEST RUNG***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Louise Pryor, Jacqueline Jeremy,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> + +<h1 class="head"><big>THE LOWEST RUNG</big></h1> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 496px;"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="496" height="600" alt="Cover" title="" /> +</div> + +<h2 class="head"><big>THE LOWEST RUNG</big><br /><br /> +<small><small>TOGETHER WITH THE HAND ON<br /> +THE LATCH, ST. LUKE'S SUMMER<br /> +AND THE UNDERSTUDY<br /><br /><br /> + +BY MARY CHOLMONDELEY<br /> +<small><span class="smcap">author of "red pottage"</span></small><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + +LONDON<br /> +JOHN MURRAY, ALBEMARLE STREET, W.<br /> +1908</small></small></h2> + + +<h5 class="smcap head">COPYRIGHT, 1908, IN THE<br /> +UNITED STATES OF AMERICA</h5> + + +<h2 class="head"><small><small>TO</small><br /> +HOWARD STURGIS</small></h2> + + + + +<hr /> + +<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS</h2> + + +<div class="lib"> + +<ul class="b1"> +<li class="smcap right"><small>page</small></li> +</ul> + +<ul> + +<li class="con"><span class="left smcap">THE LOWEST RUNG</span> + <span class="right"><a href="#rung">33</a></span></li> + +<li class="con"><span class="left smcap">THE HAND ON THE LATCH</span> + <span class="right"><a href="#latch">82</a></span></li> + +<li class="con"><span class="left smcap">SAINT LUKE'S SUMMER</span> + <span class="right"><a href="#summer">107</a></span></li> + +<li class="con"><span class="left smcap">THE UNDERSTUDY</span> + <span class="right"><a href="#study">156</a></span></li> +</ul> +</div> + +<hr class="hr2" /> + + + +<h3 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span> +PREFACE</h3> + + +<p class="noi"><span class="smcap">I have</span> been writing books for five-and-twenty years, novels of which I +believe myself to be the author, in spite of the fact that I have been +assured over and over again that they are not my own work. When I have +on several occasions ventured to claim them, I have seldom been +believed, which seems the more odd as, when others have claimed them, +they have been believed at once. Before I put my name to them they were +invariably considered to be, and reviewed as, the work of a man; and for +years after I had put my name to them various men have been mentioned to +me as the real author.</p> + +<p>I remember once, when I was very young and shy, how at one of my first +London dinner-parties a charming elderly man discussed one of my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span> +earliest books with such appreciation that I at last remarked that I had +written it myself. If I had looked for a surprised flash of delight at +the fact that so much talent was palpitating in white muslin beside him, +I was doomed to be disappointed. He gravely and gently said, "I know +that to be untrue," and the conversation was turned to other subjects.</p> + +<p>One man did indeed actually announce himself to be the author of "Red +Pottage," in the presence of a large number of people, including the +late Mr. William Sharp, who related the occurrence to me. But the +incident ended uncomfortably for the claimant, which one would have +thought he might have foreseen.</p> + +<p>But whether my books are mine or not, still whenever one of them appears +the same thing happens. I am pressed to own that such-and-such a +character "is taken from So-and-so." I have not yet yielded to these +exhortations to confession, partly, no doubt, because it would be very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> +awkward for me afterwards if I owned that thirty different persons were +the one and only original of "So-and-so."</p> + +<p>My character for uprightness (if I ever had one) has never survived my +tacit, or in some cases emphatic, refusal to be squeezed through the +"clefts of confession."</p> + +<p>It is perhaps impossible for those who do not write fiction to form any +conception how easily an erroneous idea gains credence that some one has +been "put in a book"; or, if the idea has once been entertained, how +impossible it is to eradicate it.</p> + +<p>Looking back over a string of incidents of this kind in my own personal +experience, covering the last five-and-twenty years, I feel doubtful +whether I shall be believed if I instance some of them. They seem now, +after the lapse of years, frankly incredible, and yet they were real +enough to give me not a little pain at the time. It is the fashion<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> +nowadays, if one says anything about oneself, to preface it by the +pontifical remark that what one writes is penned for the sake of others, +to save them, to cheer them, etc., etc. This, of course, now I come to +think of it, must be my reason also for my lapse into autobiography. I +see now that I only do it out of tenderness for the next generation. +Therefore, young writers of the future, now on the playing-fields of +Eton, take notice that my heart yearns over you. If, later on, you are +harrowed as I have been harrowed, remember</p> + +<p class="centers"><em>J'ai passé par là.</em></p> + +<p>Observe the prints of my goloshes on the steep ascent, and take courage. +And if you are perturbed, as I have been perturbed, let me whisper to +you the exhortation of the bankrupt to the terrestrial globe:</p> + +<p class="centers">Never <em>you</em> mind. Roll on.</p> + +<p>When I first took a pen into my youthful <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span>hand, I lived in a very +secluded part of the Midlands, and perhaps, my little world being what +it was, it was inevitable that the originals of my characters, +especially the tiresome ones, should be immediately identified with the +kindly neighbours within a five-mile radius of my paternal Rectory. Five +miles was about the utmost our little pony could do. It was therefore +obviously impossible that I could be acquainted with any one beyond that +distance. And from first to last, from that day to this, no one leading +a secluded life has been so fatuous as to believe that my characters +were evolved out of my inner consciousness. "After all, you must own you +took them from <em>some one</em>," is a phrase which has long lost its novelty +for me. I remember even now my shocked astonishment when a furious +neighbour walked up to me and said, "We all recognised Mrs. Alwynn at +once as Mrs. ——, <em>and we all say it is not in the least like her</em>."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span>It was not, indeed. There was no shadow of resemblance. Did Mrs. ——, +who had been so kind to me from a child, ever hear that report, I +wonder? It gave me many a miserable hour, just when I was expanding in +the sunshine of my first favourable reviews.</p> + +<p>When I was still quite a beginner, Mrs. Clifford published her beautiful +and touching book, "Aunt Anne."</p> + +<p>There was, I am willing to believe—it is my duty to believe +<em>something</em>—a faint resemblance between her "Aunt Anne" and an old +great-aunt of mine, "Aunt Anna Maria," long since dead, whom I had only +seen once or twice when I was a small child.</p> + +<p>The fact that I could not have known my departed relation did not +prevent two of my cousins, elderly maiden ladies who had had that +privilege, from writing to me in great indignation at my having ventured +to travesty my old aunt. They had found me <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span>out (I am always being found +out), and the vials of their wrath were poured out over me.</p> + +<p>In my whilom ignorance, in my lamblike innocence of the darker side of +human nature, I actually thought that a disclaimer would settle the +matter.</p> + +<p>When has a disclaimer ever been of any use? When has it ever achieved +anything except to add untruthfulness to my other crimes? Why have I +ever written one, after that first disastrous essay, in which I civilly +pointed out that not I, but Mrs. Clifford, the well-known writer, was +the author of "Aunt Anne?"</p> + +<p>They replied at once to say that this was untrue, because I, and I +alone, <em>could</em> have written it.</p> + +<p>I showed my father the letter.</p> + +<p>The two infuriated ladies were attached to my father, and had known him +for many years as a clergyman and a rural dean of unblemished character. +He wrote to them <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span>himself to assure them that they had made a mistake, +that I was not the author of the obnoxious work.</p> + +<p>But the only effect his letter had on their minds was a pained uprootal +of their respect and long affection for him. And they both died some +years later, and (presumably) went up to heaven, convinced of my guilt, +in spite of the unscrupulous parental ruridiaconal effort to whitewash +me.</p> + +<p>Long afterwards I mentioned this incident to Mrs. Clifford, but it did +not cause her surprise. She had had her own experiences. She told me +that when "Aunt Anne" appeared, she had many letters from persons with +whom she was unacquainted, reproaching her for having portrayed their +aunt.</p> + +<p>The reverse of the medal ought perhaps to be mentioned. So primitive was +the circle in which my youth was passed that an adverse review, if seen +by one of the community, was at once put down to a disaffected <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span>and +totally uneducated person in our village.</p> + +<p>A witty but unfavourable criticism in <em>Punch</em> of my first story was +always believed by two ladies in the parish to have been penned by one +of the village tradesmen. It was in vain I assured them that the person +in question could not by any possibility be on the staff of <em>Punch</em>. +They only shook their heads, and repeated mysteriously that they "had +reasons for <em>knowing</em> he had written it."</p> + +<p>When we moved to London, I hoped I might fare better. But evidently I +had been born under an unlucky star. The "Aunt Anne" incident proved to +be only the first playful ripple which heralded the incoming of the</p> + +<p class="centers">Breakers of the boundless deep.</p> + +<p>After the publication of "Red Pottage" a storm burst respecting one of +the characters—Mr. Gresley—which even now I have not forgotten. The +personal note was struck <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span>once more with vigour, but this time by the +clerical arm. I was denounced by name from a London pulpit. A Church +newspaper which shall be nameless suggested that my portrait of Mr. +Gresley was merely a piece of spite on my part, as I had probably been +jilted by a clergyman. I will not pretend that the turmoil gave me +unmixed pain. If it had, I should have been without literary vanity. But +when a witty bishop wrote to me that he had enjoined on his clergy the +study of Mr. Gresley as a Lenten penance, it was not possible for me to +remain permanently depressed.</p> + +<p>The character was the outcome of long, close observation of large +numbers of clergymen, but not of one particular parson. Why, then, was +it so exactly like individual clergymen that I received excited or +enthusiastic letters from the parishioners of I dare not say how many +parishes, affirming that their vicar (whom I had never beheld), and he +alone, could have been the prototype of Mr. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span>Gresley? I was frequently +implored to go down and "see for myself." Their most adorable platitudes +were chronicled and sent up to me, till I wrung my hands because it was +too late to insert them in "Red Pottage."<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> For they all fitted Mr. +Gresley like a glove, and I should certainly have used them if it had +been possible. For, as has been well said, "There is no copyright in +platitudes." They are part of our goodly heritage. And though people +like Mr. Gresley and my academic prig Wentworth have in one sense made a +particular field of platitude their own, by exercising themselves +continually upon it, nevertheless we cannot allow them to warn us off as +trespassers, or permit them to annex or enclose common land, the +property and birthright of the race.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span>Young men fresh from public schools also informed me that Mr. Gresley +was the facsimile of their tutor, and of no one else. I was at that time +unacquainted with any schoolmasters, being cut off from social +advantages. But that fact did me no good. The dispassionate statement of +it had no more effect on my young friends than my father's denial had on +my elderly relations.</p> + +<p>I am ashamed to say that once again, as in the case of "Aunt Anne," I +endeavoured to exculpate myself in order to pacify two old maiden +ladies. Why is it always the acutely unmarried who are made miserable by +my books? Is it because—odious thought, avaunt!—married persons do not +open them? These two ladies did not, indeed, think that I had been +"paying out" some particular clergyman, as suggested in their favourite +paper, <em>The Guardian</em>,<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a> but they were shocked <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span>by the profanity of the +book. Soon afterwards the Bishop of Stepney (now Bishop of London) +preached on "Red Pottage" in St. Paul's. I sent them a newspaper which +reprinted the sermon <em>verbatim</em>, with a note saying that I trusted this +expression of opinion on the part of their idolised preacher might +mitigate their condemnation of the book.</p> + +<p>But when have my attempts at making an effect ever come off? My firework +never lights up properly like that of others! It only splutters and goes +out. I received in due course a dignified answer that they had both been +deeply distressed by my information, as it would prevent them ever going +to hear the Bishop of Stepney again.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span>My own experience, especially as to "Red Pottage" and "Prisoners," +struck me as so direful, I seemed so peculiarly outside the protection +of Providence, like the celebrated plot of ground on which "no rain nor +no dew never fell," that I consulted several other brother and sister +novelists as to how they had fared in this delicate matter. It is not +for me to reveal the interesting skeletons concealed in cupboards not my +own, but I have almost invariably returned from these interviews +cheered, chuckling, and consoled by the comfortable realisation that +others had writhed on a hotter gridiron than I.</p> + +<p>Georges Sand, when she was accused of lampooning a certain <em>abbé</em>, said +that to draw one character of that kind one must know a thousand. She +has, I think, put her finger on the truth which is not easy to find—at +least, I never found it until I read those words of hers.</p> + +<p>It is necessary to know a very large <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span>number of persons of a certain +kind before one can evolve a type. Each he or she contributes a twig, +and the author weaves them into a nest. I have no doubt that I must have +taken such a twig from nearly every clergyman I met who had a <em>soupçon</em> +of Mr. Gresley in him.</p> + +<p>But if an author takes one tiny trait, one saying, one sentiment, direct +from a person, there is always the danger that the contributor will +recognise the theft, and, if of a self-regarding temperament, will +instantly conclude that the <em>whole</em> character is drawn from himself. +There is, for instance, no more universal trait, of what has been +unkindly called "the old-maid temperament" in either sex, than the +assertion that it is always busy. But when such a trait is noted in a +book, how many sensitive readers assume that it is a cruel personality. +If people could but perceive that what they think to be character in +themselves is often only sex, or sexlessness; if they could but <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span>believe +in the universality of what they hold to be their individuality! And yet +how easily they believe in it when it is pleasant to do so, when they +write books about themselves, and thousands of grateful readers bombard +the gifted authoress with letters to tell her that they also have "felt +just like that," and have "been helped" by her exquisite sentiments, +which are the exact replicas of their own!</p> + +<p>The worst of it is that with the academic or clerical prig, when the +mind has long been permitted to run in a deep, platitudinous groove from +which it is at last powerless to escape, the resemblance to a prig in +fiction is sometimes more than fanciful. It is real. For there is no +doubt that prigs have a horrid family likeness to each other, whether in +books or in real life. I have sometimes felt as the puzzled mother of +some long-lost Tichborne might feel. Each claimant to the estates in +turn seems to acquire a look of the original because he <em>is</em> a claimant. +Has <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span>not this one my lost Willy's eyes? But no! that one has Willy's +hands. True, but the last-comer snuffles exactly as my lost Willy +snuffled. How many men have begun suddenly and indubitably in my eyes to +resemble one of the adored prigs of my novels, merely because they +insisted on the likeness themselves.</p> + +<p>The most obnoxious accident which has yet befallen me, the most wanton +blow below the belt which Fate has ever dealt me, is buried beneath the +snows of twenty years. But even now I cannot recall it without a +shudder. And if a carping critic ventures to point out that blows below +the belt are not often buried beneath snow, then all I can say is that +when I have made my meaning clear, I see no reason for a servile +conformity to academic rules of composition.</p> + +<p>I was writing "Diana Tempest." One of the characters, a very worldly +religious young female prig, was much in my mind. I know many such. I +may as well mention <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span>here that I do not bless the hour on which I first +saw the light. I have not found life an ardent feast of tumultuous joy. +But I do realise that it has been embellished by the acquaintance of a +larger number of delightful prigs than falls to the lot of most. I have +much to be thankful for. Having got hold of the character of this lady, +I piloted her through courtship and marriage. I gleefully invented <em>all</em> +her sayings on these momentous occasions, and described the wedding and +the abhorrent bridegroom with great minuteness. In short, I gloated over +it.</p> + +<p>The book was finished, sold, finally corrected, and in the press when +one of the young women who had unconsciously contributed a trait to the +character became affianced. She immediately began throwing off with +great dignity, as if by clock-work, all the best things which I had +evolved out of my own brain and had put into the mouth of my female +prig. At first I was delighted <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span>with my own cleverness, but gradually I +became more and more uneasy, and when I attended the wedding my heart +failed me altogether. In "Diana Tempest" I had described the rich, +elderly, stout, and gouty bridegroom whom the lady had captured. There +he was before my panic-stricken eyes! The wedding was exactly as I had +already described it. It took place in London, just as I had said. The +remembrance that the book had passed beyond my own control, the +irrevocability of certain ghastly sentences, came over me in a flash, +together with the certainty that, however earnestly I might deny, swear, +take solemn oaths on family Bibles, nothing, nothing, not even a voice +from heaven, much less that of a rural dean still on earth, could make +my innocence credible.</p> + +<p>I may add that no voice from heaven sounded, and that I never made any +attempt at self-exculpation, or invited my father to sacrifice himself a +second time.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span>As I heard "The Voice that breathed o'er Eden" and saw the bride of +twenty-five advance up the aisle to meet the bridegroom of forty-five +awaiting her deeply flushed, in a distorted white waistcoat—I had +mercilessly alluded to his white waistcoat as an error of judgment—I +gave myself up for lost; <em>and I was lost</em>.</p> + +<p>But all this time, while I have been giving a free rein to my +autobiographic instincts, the question still remains unanswered, Why is +human nature so prone to think it has been travestied that it becomes +impervious to reason on the subject the moment the idea has entered the +mind? Once lodged, I have never known such an idea dislodged, however +fantastic. Why is it that if, like Mrs. Clifford, one has the good +fortune to evolve a type, no one can believe it is not an individual? +Why does not the outraged friend console himself with the remembrance +that if he is one of many others who are feeling equally harrowed, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span>he +cannot really be the object of a malignant spite, carefully disguised +till then under the apparel of a cheerful friendship?</p> + +<p>I think an answer—a partial answer—to the latter question may be found +in the fact that balm was never yet poured on a wounded spirit by the +assurance that there are thousands of others exactly like itself. We can +all endure to be lampooned. (I have even known a man who was deeply +disappointed when he was forced to believe that he had not been +victimised.) But to be told we are one of a herd! This flesh and blood +cannot tolerate. It is unthinkable; a living death. That we who "look +before and after," and "whose sincerest laughter with some pain is +fraught"; that <em>we</em>, lonely, superb, pining for what is not, +misunderstood by our nearest and dearest, who don't know, and never +<em>can</em> know</p> + +<p class="centers">Half the reasons why we smile or sigh</p> + +<p class="noi">(unless, indeed, we are autobiographists: <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span>then they know <em>all</em> the +reasons)—that <span class="smcap">WE</span> should be confused with the vast mob of foolish, +sentimental spinsters, or pedantic clerics, or egotistic old bachelors!</p> + +<p>Away!—away! The reeling mind stops its ears against these obscene +suggestions.</p> + +<p>The only alternative which remains is that an unscrupulous novelist has +<em>heard</em> of us—nothing more likely—without being actually acquainted +with us, and has listened to garbled accounts of us from our so-called +friends; or has actually met us at a bazaar or a funeral, though of +course he professes to have forgotten the meeting; has been impressed +with our subtle personality—nothing more likely—has felt an envious +admiration of what we ourselves value but little—our social charm—and +has yielded—nothing more likely—to the ignoble temptation of +caricaturing qualities which he cannot emulate. Or perhaps he has known +us for years, and has shown a mysterious indifference to our society, an +impatience of <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span>our deeper utterances, which we can now, <em>at last</em>, trace +to its true source, a guilty consciousness of premeditated treachery +which has led him to strike us in a dastardly manner, which we can +indeed afford—being what we are—to forgive, but which we shall never +forget. And if an opportunity offers later on, it is possible that an +unprejudiced and judicial mind may feel called upon to indicate what it +thinks of such conduct.</p> + +<p>Perhaps only those whose temperament leads them to believe themselves +ridiculed in a book know the rankling smart, the exquisite pain, the +sense of treachery of such an experience. It is probably the most +offensive slight that can be offered to a sensitive nature.</p> + +<p>And if the author realises this, even while he knows himself to be +guiltless in the matter, it is probable, if he also is somewhat +sensitive—and some authors are—that a great deal of the delight he may +derive from a successful <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span>novel may be dimmed by the realisation that he +has unwittingly pained a stranger, or, worse still, an acquaintance, or, +immeasurably worst of all, an old friend.</p> + +<div class="footnotes"> + +<h3 class="foot">FOOTNOTES:</h3> + +<div class="footnote"> +<p class="footnote"><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><sup>[1]</sup></a> One of these unknown correspondents wrote that their vicar +had that Sunday begun—he would have said <em>commenced</em>—his sermon with +the words, "God is Love, as the Archbishop of Canterbury remarked last +week in Westminster Abbey."</p> +</div> + +<div class="footnote"> +<p class="footnote"><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><sup>[2]</sup></a> <em>The Guardian</em>, April 11, 1900: "Truth to tell, when I +appreciated, with much amusement, the light in which one was expected to +regard Mr. Gresley, I came to the conclusion that the authoress was +paying out some particular High Church parson, who had perhaps snubbed +her or got the better of her, by 'putting him into a book.' The poor, +feeble creature is described with appetite, so to speak, and when this +is the case (with a lady writer) one is pretty safe in being sure one +has come across the personal. Mr. Gresleys certainly exist, but only a +woman in a (perhaps wholly justified) tantrum would speak of them as a +type of the clergy in general."—<span class="smcap">Thos. J. Ball.</span></p> +</div> +</div> + + + + +<h2><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> +<a name="rung" id="rung"></a><big>The Lowest Rung</big></h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">We are dropping down the ladder rung by rung.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Rudyard Kipling</span>.<br /></p> +</div> + +<p class="noi"><span class="smcap">The</span> sudden splendour of the afternoon made me lay down my pen, and +tempted me afield. It had been a day of storm and great racing +cloud-wracks, after a night of hurricane and lashing rain. But in the +afternoon the sun had broken through, and I struggled across the +water-meadows, the hurrying, turbid water nearly up to the single planks +across the ditches, and climbed to the heathery uplands, battling my way +inch by inch against a tearing wind.</p> + +<p>My art had driven me forth from my warm fireside, as it is her wont to +drive her votaries, and the call of my art I have never disobeyed.</p> + +<p>For no artist must look at one side of life only. We must study it as a +whole, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span>gleaning rich and varied sheaves as we go. My forthcoming book +of deep religious experiences, intertwined with descriptions of scenery, +needed a little contrast. I had had abundance of summer mornings and +dewy evenings, almost too many dewy evenings. And I thought a +description of a storm would be in keeping with the chapter on which I +was at that moment engaged, in which I dealt with the stress of my own +illness of the previous spring, and the mystery of pain, which had +necessitated a significant change in my life—a visit to Cromer. The +chapter dealing with Cromer, and the insurgent doubts of convalescence, +wandering on its poppy-strewn cliffs, as to the beneficence of the +Deity, was already done, and one of the finest I had ever written.</p> + +<p>But I was dissatisfied with the preceding chapter, and, as usual, went +for inspiration to Nature.</p> + +<p>It was late by the time I reached the upland, but I was rewarded for my +climb.</p> + +<p>Far away under the flaring sunset the long lines of tidal river and sea +stretched tawny and sinister, like drawn swords in firelight, between +the distant woods and cornfields. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span>The death-like stillness and +smallness of the low-lying rigid landscape made the contrast with the +rushing enormity and turmoil of the heavens almost terrific.</p> + +<p>Great clouds shouldered up out of the sea, blotting out the low sun, +darkening the already darkened earth, and then towered up the sky, +releasing the struggling sun only to extinguish it once more, in a new +flying cohort.</p> + +<p>I do not know how long I stood there, spellbound, the woman lost in the +artist, scribbling frantically in my notebook, when an onslaught of rain +brought me to my senses and I looked round for shelter.</p> + +<p>Then I became aware that I had not been watching alone. A +desolate-looking figure, crouching at a little distance, half hidden by +a gorse-bush, was watching too, watching intently. She got up as I +turned and came towards me, her uncouth garments whipped against her by +the wind.</p> + +<p>The rain plunged down upon us, enveloping us both as in a whirlwind.</p> + +<p>"There is an empty cottage under the down," I shouted to her, and I +began to run towards it. It was a tumbledown place, but "any port in +such a storm."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span>"It is not safe," she shouted back; "the roof is falling in."</p> + +<p>The squall of rain whirled past as suddenly as it had come, leaving me +gasping. She seemed to take no notice of it.</p> + +<p>"I spent last night there," she said. "The ceiling came down in the next +room. Besides," she added, "though possibly that may not deter you, +there are two policemen there."</p> + +<p>I saw now that it had been the cottage which she had been watching. And +sure enough, in a broken shaft of sunshine which straggled out for a +moment, I saw two dark figures steal towards the cottage under cover of +the wall.</p> + +<p>"Why are they there?" I said, gaping at such a strange sight. For I had +been many months at Rufford, and I had never seen a policeman.</p> + +<p>"They are lying in wait for some one," she said.</p> + +<p>It flashed back across my mind how at luncheon that day the vicar had +said that a female convict had escaped from Ipswich gaol, and had been +traced to Bealings, and, it was conjectured, was lurking in the +neighbourhood of Woodbridge.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span>I took sudden note of my companion's peculiar dark bluish clothes and +shawl, and the blood rushed to my head. I knew what those garments +meant. She pushed back her grizzled hair from her lined, walnut-coloured +face, and we looked hard at each other.</p> + +<p>There was no fear in her eyes, but a certain curiosity as to what I was +going to do.</p> + +<p>"If I told you they were not looking for me," she said, "I could not, +under the circumstances, expect you to believe it."</p> + +<p>I am too highly strung for this workaday world. I know it to my cost. +The artistic temperament has its penalties. My doctor at Cromer often +told me that I vibrated like a harp at the slightest touch. I vibrated +now. Indeed, I almost sat down in the sodden track.</p> + +<p>But unlike many of my brothers and sisters of the pen, I am capable of +impulsive, even quixotic action, and I ought, in justice to myself, to +mention here that I had not then read that noble book "The Treasure of +Heaven," in which it will be remembered that a generous-souled woman +takes in from the storm, and nurses back to health in her <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span>lowly +cottage, an aged tramp who turns out to be a millionaire, and leaves her +his vast fortune. I did not get the idea of acting as I am about to +relate from Marie Corelli, the head of our profession, or indeed from +any other writer. But I have so often been accused of taking other +people's plots and ideas and sentiments, that I owe it to myself to make +this clear before I go on.</p> + +<p>"You poor soul," I said, "whatever you are, and whatever you've done, I +will shelter you and help you to escape."</p> + +<p>I felt I really could not take her into the house, so I added, "I have a +little stable in the garden, quite private, with nice dry hay in it. +Follow me."</p> + +<p>I suppose she saw at a glance that she could trust me, for she nodded, +and I sped down the hill, she following at a little distance, with the +shrieking, denouncing wind behind us. I walked as quickly as I could, +but when I got as far as the water-meadows my strength and breath gave +way. I was never robust, and always foolishly prone to overtax my small +store of strength. I was obliged to stop and lean my head on my arms +against a stile.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span>"There is no need for such hurry," she said tranquilly. She had come up +noiselessly behind me. "There is not a soul in sight. Besides, look what +you are missing."</p> + +<p>She pointed to the familiar fields before me which we had yet to cross, +with the Dieben winding through them under his low, red-brick bridges, +and beyond the little clustered village with its grey church spire +standing shoulder high above the poplars.</p> + +<p>The sun had just set and there was no colour in the west, but over all +the homely, wind-swept landscape a solemn and unearthly light shone and +slowly passed, shone and slowly passed.</p> + +<p>"Look up," said my companion, turning a face of flame towards me.</p> + +<p>I looked up into the sky, as into an enormous furnace. Gigantic rolling +clouds of flame were sweeping before the roaring wind like some vast +prairie fire across the firmament. As they passed overhead, the +reflection of the lurid light on them was smitten earthwards, and passed +with them, making everything it traversed clear as noon—the lion on the +swinging sign of <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span>the public-house just across the water, the delicate +tracery of the church windows, the virginia creeper on my cottage porch.</p> + +<p>"I have only seen an afterglow like that once in my life," my companion +said, "and that was in Teneriffe."</p> + +<p>A few moments more, and the sky paled to grey. The darkness came down +with tropical suddenness. I made a movement forwards.</p> + +<p>"Shall I not be seen if I follow you through the village in these weird +clothes?" she said civilly, as one who hesitates to make a suggestion. +"Where is your house?"</p> + +<p>"My cot—it is not a house—is just at the end of those trees," I said. +"It is the only one close to the park gates. It has virginia creeper +over the porch, and a white gate."</p> + +<p>"It sounds charming."</p> + +<p>"But how on earth are we to get there?" I groaned. "And some one may +come along this path at any moment."</p> + +<p>The dusk was falling rapidly. Candles were beginning to twinkle in +latticed windows. A yellow light from the public-house made an +impassable streak across the road. Cheerful voices were coming along the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span>meadow path behind us. What was to be done?</p> + +<p>"Go home," she said steadily. "I will find my own way."</p> + +<p>"But my servant?"</p> + +<p>"Make your mind easy. She will not see me. I shall not ring the bell. +Have you a dog?"</p> + +<p>"No. My dear little Lindo——"</p> + +<p>"It's going to be a black night. I shall be in the porch half an hour +after dark."</p> + +<p>She went swiftly from me, and as the voices drew near I saw her pick her +way noiselessly into one of the great ditches, and stand motionless in +the water, obliterated against a pollard willow.</p> + +<p>I hurried home. My feet were quite wet, and even my stockings—a thing +that had not happened to me for years. I changed at once, and took five +drops of camphor on a lump of sugar. It would be extraordinarily +inconvenient if I were to take cold, with my tendency to bronchial +catarrh. I have no time to be ill in my busy life. Was not "Broodings +beside the Dieben" being finished in hot haste for an eager publisher? +And had I not promised to give away the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span>Sunday-school prizes at +Forlinghorn a fortnight hence?</p> + +<p>It was half-past six. My garden boy was pumping in the scullery. He kept +his tools in the stable, and it was his duty to lock it up and hang the +key on the nail inside the scullery door.</p> + +<p>Supposing he forgot to hang it up to-night of all nights! Supposing he +took it away with him by mistake! I went into the scullery directly he +had gone. I made a pretext of throwing away some flowers, though I had +never thought of needing a pretext for going there before. The stable +key was on its nail all right. I looked into the kitchen, where my +little maid-servant was preparing my evening meal. When her back was +turned, I snatched the key from the nail, dropped it noisily on the +brick floor, caught it up, withdrew to the parlour, and sank down in my +armchair shaking from head to foot. My doctor was right indeed when he +said I vibrated like a harp.</p> + +<p>The life of contemplation and meditation is more suited to my highly +strung nature than that of adventure and intrigue.</p> + +<p>My servant brought in the lamp, and I hurriedly sat on the key while she +did so. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span>Then she drew the curtains in the little houseplace, locked the +outer door, and went back to the kitchen.</p> + +<p>There are two doors to my cottage—the front door with the porch leading +to the lane, and the back door out of the scullery which opens into my +little slip of garden. At the bottom of the garden is a disused stable, +utilised by me to store wood in, and old boxes. The gate to the back way +to the stable from the lane had been permanently closed till the day +should come when I could afford a pony and cart. But in these days +novels of not too refined a type are the only form of literature (if +they can be called literature) for which the public is eager. It will +devour and extol anything, however coarse, which panders to its love of +excitement, while grave books dealing with the spiritual side of life, +books of thought and culture, are left unheeded on the shelf. Such had +been the fate of mine.</p> + +<p>The rain had ceased at last, and the wind was falling. My mind kept on +making all sorts of uneasy suggestions to me as I sat in my armchair. +What was I to do with the—the individual when I had got her safely into +the stable, if I ever did get her safely there? <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span>How about food, how +about dry clothes, how about a light, how about everything? Supposing +she overslept herself, and Tommy found her there in the morning when he +went for his tools? Supposing my landlord, Mr. Ledbury, who was a +magistrate, found out I had harboured a criminal, and gave me notice +just when I had repapered the parlour and put in a new back to the +kitchen range? Such a calamity was unthinkable. What happened to people +who compounded felonies? Was I compounding one? Why was not I sitting +down? What was I doing standing in the middle of the parlour with the +stable key in my hand, and, as I caught sight of myself in the glass, +with my mouth wide open?</p> + +<p>I sat down again resolutely, hiding the key under the cushion, and +calmer thoughts supervened. After all, it was most improbable, almost +impossible, that I should be found out. And once the adventure was +safely over, when I had successfully carried it through, what +interesting accounts I should be able to give of it at luncheon parties +in London in the winter. My brothers would really believe at last that I +could act with energy and presence of mind. There was a <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span>rooted +impression in the minds of my own family that I was a flurried sort of +person, easily thrown off my balance, making mountains out of molehills +(this was especially irritating to me, as I have always taken a broad, +sane view of life), who always twisted my ankle if it could be twisted, +or lost my luggage, or caught childish ailments for the second time. +Where there is but one gifted member in a large and commonplace family, +an absurd idea of this kind is apt to grow from a joke into an <em>idèe +fixe</em>.</p> + +<p>It had obtained credence originally because I certainly had once in a +dreamy moment got my gown shut into the door in an empty railway +compartment on the far side. And as the glass was up on the station side +I had been unable to attract any one's attention when I wanted to +alight, and had had to go on to Portsmouth (where the train stopped for +good) before I could make my presence and my predicament known. This +trivial incident had never been forgotten by my family—so much so, that +I had often regretted the hilarious spirit of pure comedy at my own +expense which had prompted me to relate it to them.</p> + +<p>Now was the time to show what metal <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span>I was made of. My spirits rose as I +felt I could rely on myself to be cautious, resourceful, bold. I sat on, +outwardly composed, but inwardly excited, straining my ears for a sign +that the fugitive was in the porch. I supposed I should presently hear a +light tap on my parlour window, which was close to the outer door.</p> + +<p>But none came. More than an hour passed. It had long been perfectly +dark. What could have happened? Had the poor creature been dogged and +waylaid by those two policemen after all? Was it possible that they had +seen us standing together at the stile, where she had so inconsiderately +joined me for a moment? At last I became so nervous that I went to the +outer door, opened it softly, and looked out. She was so near me that I +very nearly screamed.</p> + +<p>"How long have you been here?" I whispered.</p> + +<p>"Close on an hour."</p> + +<p>"Why didn't you tap on the window or something? I was waiting to let you +in."</p> + +<p>"I dared not do that. It might have been the kitchen window for all I +knew, and then your servant would have seen me."</p> + +<p>"But the kitchen is the other side."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span>"Indeed! And where is the stable?"</p> + +<p>"At the bottom of the garden, away from the road."</p> + +<p>"How are we going to get to it?"</p> + +<p>"We can only get to it through the garden, now the back way is closed. I +closed it because the village children——"</p> + +<p>"Had not you better shut the door? If any one passed down the road, they +would see it was open."</p> + +<p>"It's as dark as pitch."</p> + +<p>"Yes, but there's a little light from within. I can see you from outside +quite plainly standing in the doorway."</p> + +<p>I led her indoors, and locked and bolted the door.</p> + +<p>"What is this room?"</p> + +<p>"The houseplace. I have my meals here. I live very primitively. My idea +is——"</p> + +<p>"Then your servant may come in at any moment to lay your supper."</p> + +<p>I could not say that she seemed nervous or frightened, but the way she +cut me short showed that she was so in reality. I was not offended, for +I am the first to make allowance when rudeness is not intentional. I led +the way hastily into the parlour.</p> + +<p>"She never comes in here," I said reassuringly, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span>"after she has once +brought in the lamp. I am supposed to be working, and must not be +disturbed."</p> + +<p>"I'm not fit to come in," she said.</p> + +<p>And in truth she was not. She was caked with mud and dirt from head to +foot, an appalling figure in the lamplight. The rain dripped from her +hair, her sinister clothing, her whole person. She looked as if she must +have hidden in a wet ditch. I gazed horror-struck at my speckless +matting and pale Oriental rugs. I had never allowed a child or dog in +the house for fear of the matting, except of course my poor Lindo, who +had died a few months previously, and whom I had taught to wipe his feet +on the mat.</p> + +<p>A ghost of a smile twitched her grey mouth.</p> + +<p>"Is not that the <em>Times</em>?" she said. "Spread it out four thick, and lay +it on the floor."</p> + +<p>I did so, and she stepped carefully on to it.</p> + +<p>"Now," she said, standing on a great advertisement of a universal +history—"now that I am not damaging the furniture, pull yourself +together and <em>think</em>. How am I to get to the stable? I can't stop here."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span>She could not indeed. I felt I might be absolutely powerless to get the +muddy footprints out of the matting. And no doubt there were some in the +houseplace too.</p> + +<p>"If I go through the scullery, I may be seen," she said, the water +pattering off her on to the newspaper. "So lucky you take in the +<em>Times</em>; it's printed on such thick paper. Where does that window look +out?"</p> + +<p>She pointed to the window at the farther end of the room.</p> + +<p>"On to the garden."</p> + +<p>"Capital! Then we can get out through it, of course, without going +through the scullery."</p> + +<p>I had not thought of that. I opened the window, and she was through it +in two cautious strides.</p> + +<p>"Now," she said, looking back at me, "I'm comparatively safe for the +moment, and so is the matting. But before we do anything more, get a +duster—a person like you is sure to have a duster in a drawer. Just so, +there it is. Now wipe up the marks of my muddy feet in the room we first +came into as well as this, and then see to the paint of the window. I +have probably smirched <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span>it. Then roll up the <em>Times</em> tight, and put it +in the waste-paper basket."</p> + +<p>She watched me obey her.</p> + +<p>"Having obliterated all traces of crime," she said when I had finished, +"suppose we go on to the stable. Let me help you through the window. I +will wipe my hands on the grass first. And would not you be wise to put +on that little shawl I see on the sofa? It is getting cold."</p> + +<p>The window was only a yard from the ground, and I got out somehow, +encumbered in my shawl, which a grateful reader had crocheted for me. +She had, however, to help me in again directly I was out, for, between +us, we had forgotten the stable key, which was underneath the cushion of +my armchair.</p> + +<p>The rest was plain sailing. We stole down the garden path to the stable, +and I unlocked the door and let her in.</p> + +<p>"Kindly lock me in and take away the key," she said, vanishing past me +into the darkness, and I thought I detected a tone of relief in her +brisk, matter-of-fact voice.</p> + +<p>"I will bring some food as soon as I can," I whispered. "If I knock +three times, you will know it's only me."</p> + +<p>"Don't knock at all," she said; "it might <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span>be noticed. Why should you +knock to go into your own stable?"</p> + +<p>"I won't, then. And how about your wet things?"</p> + +<p>"That's nothing. I'm accustomed to being wet."</p> + +<p>I crawled back to the cottage, and managed to scramble in by the parlour +window, only to sink once more into my armchair in a state of collapse. +I had always entered so acutely into the joys and sorrows of others, +their love affairs, their difficulties, their bereavements (I had in +this way led such a full life), that I was surprised at this juncture to +find my nervous force so exhausted, until I remembered that ardent +natures who give out a great deal in the way of helpfulness and interest +are bound to suffer when the reaction comes. The reaction had come for +me now. I saw only too plainly the folly I had been guilty of in +harbouring a total stranger, the trouble I should probably get into, the +difficulty that a nature naturally frank and open to a fault would find +in keeping up a deception. I doubted my own powers, everything. The +truth was—but I did not realise it till afterwards—that I had missed +my tea.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span>I could hear my servant laying my evening meal in the houseplace. In a +few minutes she tapped to tell me it was ready, and I rose mechanically +to obey the summons. And then, to my horror, I found I was still in +morning dress. For the first time for years I had not dressed for +dinner. What would she think if she saw me? But it was too late to +change now; I must just go in as I was. My whole life seemed dislocated, +torn up by the roots.</p> + +<p>There was not much to eat. Half a very small cold chicken, a lettuce, +and a little custard pudding, fortunately very nutritious, being made +with Eustace Miles's proteid. There were, however, a loaf and butter and +plasmon biscuits on the sideboard. I cut up as much as I dared of the +chicken, and put it between two very thick slices of buttered bread. +Then I crept out again and took it to her. She got up out of the hay, +and put out a gnarled brown hand for it.</p> + +<p>"I will bring you a cup of coffee later," I said. I was beginning to +feel a kind of proprietorship in her. She would have starved but for me.</p> + +<p>My servant always left at nine o'clock, to sleep at her father's +cottage, just over the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span>way. I have a bell in the roof, which I can ring +with a cord in case of fire or thieves.</p> + +<p>To-night she was, of course, later than usual, but at last she brought +in the coffee, and then I heard her making her rounds, closing the +shutters on the ground floor, and locking the front door—at least, +trying to do so. I had already locked and bolted it. Then she locked the +scullery door on the outside, abstracted the key, and I heard her step +on the brick path, and the click of the gate. <em>She was gone</em>.</p> + +<p>I always heated the coffee myself over the parlour fire. It was already +bubbling on the hob. Directly she had left I went to the kitchen, and +got a second cup. I felt much better since I had had supper. And as I +took the cup from the shelf the fantastic idea came into my mind to ask +my protégée to come in and drink her coffee by the fire in the parlour. +I must frankly own it was foolhardy; it was rash, it was even dangerous. +But there it is! One cannot help the way one is made, and I am afraid I +am not of those who invariably take the coldly prudent course and stick +to it.</p> + +<p>I turned the idea over in my mind. I <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span>could put down sheets of brown +paper—I always have a store—from the door to the fire, and an old +mackintosh over the worst armchair, which was to be re-covered. Besides, +I had not had a good look at her yet, or made out the real woman under +the prison garb. That she was a person of education and refinement may +appear hardly credible to my readers, but to one like myself, whose +<em>métier</em> it is to probe the secrets of my own heart and those of +others—to <em>me</em> it was sufficiently obvious from the first moment that, +though I had to deal with a criminal, she was a very exceptional one, +and belonging to my own class. I went out to the stable, and suggested +to her that she should come in.</p> + +<p>"How do you know that I am not a man in disguise?" came a voice from the +darkness; and it seemed to me, not for the first time, that she was +amused at something. "I'm tall enough. Just think how stupendous it +would be if, when I was inside and the door really locked, I proved to +be a wicked, devastating, burglarious male."</p> + +<p>"I wish you would not say things like that," I said. "On your honour, +<em>are</em> you a man?"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span>She hesitated, and then said in a changed voice:</p> + +<p>"I am not. I don't know what I am. I was a woman once, just as a +derelict was a ship once. But whatever I am, I am not fit to come into a +self-respecting house. I am one solid cake of mud."</p> + +<p>Something in her reluctance made me the more determined. Besides, one of +the truths on which I have insisted most strongly in my "Veil of the +Temple" is that if we show full trust and confidence in others, they +will prove worthy of that trust. Her coming indoors had now become a +matter of principle, and I insisted. I even said I could lend her a +dressing-gown and slippers, so that her wet clothes might be dried by +the kitchen fire.</p> + +<p>She murmured something about a good Samaritan, but still demurred, and +asked if I had a bath-room. I said I had.</p> + +<p>That decided her. She seemed to have no difficulty in making up her +mind. She did not see two sides to things, as I always do myself.</p> + +<p>She said that if I liked to allow her to go to the bath-room first, she +should be happy to accept my kind invitation for an hour <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span>or so. If not, +she would stay where she was.</p> + +<hr class="hr3" /> + +<p>Half an hour later she was sitting opposite me in the parlour, on the +other side of the wood fire, sipping her coffee. I had not put down the +brown paper or the mackintosh. It was not necessary. Her close-cropped, +curly grey hair, still damp from the bath, was parted, and brushed +stiffly back over her ears. It must have been very beautiful hair once. +Her thin hands and thinner face and neck looked more like brown +parchment than ever, as she sat in the lamplight, my old blue +dressing-gown folded negligently round her, and taking picturesque folds +which it never did when I was inside it. Those long, gaunt limbs must +have been graceful once. Her feet were bare in her slippers—in my +slippers, I mean. She looked rather like a well-bred Indian.</p> + +<p>It was obvious that she was a lady, but her speech had already told me +that. What amazed me most where all amazed me was her self-possession.</p> + +<p>I wondered what her impression of me was, as we sat, such a strangely +assorted couple, one on each side of the fire. Did I indeed <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span>seem to her +the quixotic, impetuous, and yet withal dreamy creature which my books +show me to be? But I have often been told by those who know me well that +I am much more than my books.</p> + +<p>"I have not sat by a fire for how many months?" she said, her black eyes +on the logs. "Let me see, last time was in a lonely cottage on the +Cotswolds. It was a night like this, but colder, and a helpless old +couple let me in, and allowed me to dry my clothes, and lie by their +fire all night. Very unwise of them, wasn't it? I might have murdered +them in their beds."</p> + +<p>I began to feel rather uncomfortable.</p> + +<p>"You are not undergoing a sentence for murder, are you?" I asked.</p> + +<p>She looked at me for a moment, and then said:</p> + +<p>"The desperate creature who escaped from gaol three days ago, and who +was in for life for the murder of the man she lived with, and whose +convict clothes I am wearing—whose clothes, I mean, are at this moment +drying before your kitchen fire—is not the same woman who is now +drinking your excellent coffee."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span>"Do you mean to tell me you have never been in prison?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, for a year; but I served my time and finished it four years ago."</p> + +<p>I wrung my hands. I was deeply disappointed in her. Her transparent +duplicity, which could impose on no one, not even so unsuspicious a +nature as mine, hurt me to the quick.</p> + +<p>"Oh! you poor soul," I said, "don't lie to me. Indeed it isn't +necessary. I will do all I can for you. I will help you to get away. I +will give you other clothes, and money, and we will bury these—these +garments of shame. But don't, for God's sake, don't lie to me."</p> + +<p>She looked gravely at me, as if she were measuring me, and seeing, no +doubt, that I was not deceived, a dusky red rose for a moment to her +face and brow.</p> + +<p>"It is not easy to speak the truth to some people," she said, her eyes +dropping once more to the fire, "even when they are as compassionate and +kind as you are."</p> + +<p>"Truthfulness is a habit that may be regained," I said earnestly. "I +myself, without half your temptations, was untruthful once."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span>To associate oneself with the sins of others, to show one's own scar, +is not this sometimes the only way to comfort those overborne in the +battle of life? Had I not chronicled my own failing in the matter of +truthfulness when I foolishly and wickedly took blame on myself for the +fault of one dear to me, in my first book, "With Broken Wing"? But I saw +as I spoke that she had not read it, and did not realise to what I was +alluding. I have so steadily refused to be interviewed that possibly +also she had not even yet guessed who I was.</p> + +<p>"I am sure—I am quite sure," I went on after a moment, "that there is a +great deal of good in you, that you are by nature truthful."</p> + +<p>"Am I? I wonder. Perhaps I was so once, in the early, untroubled days. +But I have told many lies since then."</p> + +<p>She drank her coffee slowly, looking steadfastly into the fire, as if +she saw in the wavering flame some reflection of another fire on another +hearthstone.</p> + +<p>"How good it is!" she said at last, putting her cup down. "How +dreadfully good it is—the coffee and the fire, and the quiet room, and +to be dry and warm and clean! <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span>How good it all is! And how little I +thought of them when I had all these things!"</p> + +<p>She got up and looked at a water-colour over the low mantelpiece.</p> + +<p>"Madeira, isn't it?" she said. "I seem to remember that peculiar effect +of the vivid purple of the Bougainvillea against the dim, cloudy purple +of the hills behind."</p> + +<p>"It is Madeira," I said. "I was there ten years ago. Perhaps you have +read my little book, 'Beside the Bougainvillea'?"</p> + +<p>"My husband died there," she said, looking fixedly at the drawing. "He +died just before sunrise, and when it was over I remember looking out +across the sea, past the great English man-of-war in the harbour, to +those three little islands—I forget their names—and as the first level +rays touched them, the islands and the ship all seemed to melt into +half-transparent amethyst in a sea of glass, beneath a sky of glass. How +calm the sea was—hardly a ripple! I felt that even he, weak as he was, +could walk upon it. It was like daybreak in heaven, not on earth. And +his long martyrdom was over. It seemed as if we were both safe home at +last."</p> + +<p>"Had he been ill long?"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span>"A long time. He suffered terribly. And I gave him morphia under the +doctor's directions. And then, when he was gone—not at first, but after +a little bit—I took morphia myself, to numb my own anguish and to get a +little sleep. I thought I should go mad if I could not get any sleep. I +had better have gone mad. But I took morphia instead, and sealed my own +doom. But how can you tell whether I am speaking the truth? Well, it +doesn't matter if you don't believe me. I am accustomed to it. I am +never believed now. And I don't care if I'm not. I don't deserve to be. +But I suppose you can see that I was not always a tramp on the highway. +And, at any rate, that is what I am now, and what I shall remain, unless +I drift into prison again, which God forbid, for I should suffocate in a +cell after the life in the open air which I am accustomed to."</p> + +<p>She shivered a little, as if she who seemed devoid of fear quailed at +the remembrance of her cell.</p> + +<p>"You are wondering how I have fallen so low," she said. "Do you remember +Kipling's lines—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"We are dropping down the ladder rung by rung?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p class="noi"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span>"Well, I have known what it is to drop down the ladder of life, +clinging convulsively to each rung in turn, losing hold of it, and being +caught back by compassionate hands, only to let go of it again; fighting +desperately to hold on to the next rung when I was thrust from the one +above it; having my hands beaten from each rung, one after another, one +after another, sinking lower and lower yet, cling as I would, pray as I +would, repent as I would."</p> + +<p>"Who beat your hands from the rungs?" I said.</p> + +<p>"Morphia," she replied.</p> + +<p>There was a long silence.</p> + +<p>"Morphia, that was the beginning and the middle and the end of my +misfortunes," she said. "What did I do that gradually lost me my +friends?—and I had such good friends, even after my best friend my +sister died. What did I do that ruined me by inches? In Australia I have +heard of evil men taken red-handed being left in the bush with food and +water by them, bound to a fallen tree which has been set on fire at one +end. And the fire smoulders and smoulders, and travels inch by inch +along the trunk, and they watch their slow, inevitable death coming +towards <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span>them day by day, until it at last destroys them also inch by +inch. What had I done that I should find myself bound like those poor +wretches? I cannot tell you. Morphia wipes out the memory as surely as +drink. I only know that I was in torment. Faces, familiar and strange +faces, some compassionate, some indignant, some horror-struck, come back +to me sometimes, blurred as by smoke, but I see nothing clearly. I dimly +remember fragments of appeals that were made to me, fragments of divine +music in cathedrals where I sobbed my heart out. Broken, splintered, +devastating memories of promises made in bitter tears, and endless lies +and subterfuges to conceal what I could not conceal. For morphia looks +out of the eyes of its victim. I knew that, but I thought no one could +see it in mine, that I could hide it. And I have one vivid recollection +of a quiet room with flowers in it, and latticed windows, but I don't +know where it was or how I came there, or who were the people in it who +spoke to me. There was a tall woman with grey parted hair in a lilac +gown. I can see her now. And I swore before God that I had left off the +drug. And some one standing behind me took the little <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span>infernal machine +out of my pocket, and I was confronted with it. And the tall woman wrung +her hands and groaned. How I hated her! And in my madness I accused her +of putting it there to ruin me. And some one (a man) said slowly, 'She +is impossible!—quite impossible!' That one memory stands out like a +little oasis in a desert of mirage and shifting sand, and thirst. I +should know the room again if I saw it. There was a window opening into +a little paved courtyard with a fountain in it, and doves drinking. But +I shall never see it again. And the drug became alive like a fiend, and +pushed me lower and lower, down, always down, until I did something +dreadful, I don't know now exactly what it was, though the prison +chaplain explained it to me. But it was about a cheque, and I was +convicted and sent to prison."</p> + +<p>"Then you have been in prison <em>twice</em>?" I said, anxious to make it easy +for her to be entirely truthful, for I could not doubt the truth of much +of this earlier history.</p> + +<p>She did not seem to hear me.</p> + +<p>"There is no crime," she went on, "however black, that I did not expiate +then. If suffering can wash out sins, I washed out <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span>mine. I, who thought +I had so many enemies, have no enemy. No one has ever injured me. But if +I had the cruellest in the world, I would not condemn him, if he were a +morphia maniac, to sudden enforced abstinence and prison life. And I +could not die. I am very strong by nature. I could neither die nor live. +It was months before I saw light, months of hell, consumed in the flame +of hell which is thirst. And slowly the power to live came back to me. I +was saved in spite of myself. And slowly the power of thought returned +to me. I had time to think. My mind drifted and drifted, but I got +control of it now and again, and then for longer intervals, as my poor +body reasserted itself from the slavery of the drug. And I thought—I +thought—I thought. And at last I made up my mind, my fierce, embittered +mind. And when I came out of prison, I took to the road. Even then there +were those who would have helped me, but I steeled my heart against +them. There was a strange woman with a sweet face waiting at the prison +door, who spoke kindly to me. But I distrusted her. I distrusted every +one. And I did not mean to be helped any more. I had been helped <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span>time +and time again. To be helped was to be put where I could get morphia, +where I had something, if it was only my clothes, which I could sell to +get it, where I could <em>steal</em> things to sell to get it. If I had any +possessions, I knew that some day—not for a time perhaps, but some +day—I should sell it and get morphia somehow. They say you can't buy +it, but you can. I always could in the past, and I knew I always should +in the future. But on the road, in rags, a tramp, down in the dust, in +the safe refuge of the dust—there it was not possible. There I was out +of temptation. There I could not be burned in that flame again. That was +all I thought of, to creep away where the fire could not reach me. And I +felt sure I should not live long. In my ignorance I thought the exposure +to all weathers, and privation, and the first frost of winter would +bring me my release quickly. But they did not. They gave me new life +instead. I came out in spring, and I begged my way to Abinger Forest, +and nearly starved there; but I did not mind. Have you ever been in +Abinger Forest in the spring when the wortleberry is out? Can the +Elysian fields of Asphodel be more <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span>beautiful? Perhaps to others they +might seem so; but not to me. My first glimpse of hope came to me in the +woods at Abinger in a windless, sunny week at Easter. The gipsies gave +me food once or twice. And I ate the scraps that the trippers left after +their picnics at the top of Leith Hill where the tower is. And I lay in +the sun by day and I slept in a stack of bracken by night, and my +strained life relaxed. And I, who had become so hard and bitter, saw at +last what endless love and compassion had been vainly lavished on me, +and I was humbled. I had somehow got it rooted into my warped mind that +I had been cruelly treated, betrayed, abandoned by my friends, by every +one. I had tried hard to forgive them, but I could not. I saw at last +that it was I who had been cruel, I who had betrayed, I who needed +forgiveness; and I asked it of the only Friend I had left, the only +Friend Who never forsakes us. And peace came back and the deep wound in +my life healed. It seemed as if Nature, who had forgotten me for so +long, had pity on me, and took me again to her heart. For I had loved +her years ago, before my husband died.</p> + +<p>"When the weather broke, I took to the road, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span>and the road has given me +back my health, and much more than health. I can see beauty again now. +And there is always beauty in the hedgerow; and wherever the road runs +there is beauty. In the open down, beside the tidal rivers with their +brown sails creeping among the buttercups, everywhere there is beauty. +And I can sleep again now. I learnt how to sleep at Abinger. I had +forgotten how it was done without morphia. O God! I can sleep, every +night, anywhere. It's worth being a tramp for that alone, to be able to +sleep naturally, to know in the daytime that you will have it at night, +and then to lie down and feel it stealing over you like the blessing of +God. I used to wake myself at first for sheer joy when it was coming. +And then to nestle down, and sink into it, down, down into it, till one +reaches the great peace. And no more wakings in torment as the drug +passes off, waking as in some iron grave, unable to stir hand or foot, +unable to beat back the suffocating horror and terror which lies cheek +to cheek with us. No more wakings in hell. No more mornings like that. +But instead, the cool, sweet waking in the crystal light in the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span>open +air. And to see the sun come up, and to lie still against the clean, +fragrant haystack and let it warm you! And to watch the quiet, friendly +beasts rise up in the long meadows! And to wake hungry, instead of that +dreadful, maddening thirst! And to <em>like</em> to eat—how good that is, even +if you go fasting half the day! But I never do. The poor will always +give you enough to eat. It hurts them to see any one hungry. Yes, I have +dropped down the ladder rung by rung, and now I have reached the lowest +rung. And it is a good place, the only safe place for wastrels such as +I, the only refuge from my enemy. There is peace on the lowest rung. I +can do no more harm there, and I have done so much. I was ambitious +once, I was admired and clever once; but I found no abiding city +anywhere. Temptation lurked everywhere. I was driven like chaff before +the wind.... But now I have the road. No one will take the road from me +while I live, or the ditch beside it to die in when my time comes. I am +provided for at last. I lead a clean life at last."</p> + +<p>She sat silent, her dreamy eyes fixed, her thin hands folded one over +the other. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span>I looked at her with an aching heart. What strange mixture +of truth and lies was all this! But I said nothing. What was the use?</p> + +<p>And as we sat silent beside the dying fire the great inequality between +us pressed hard upon me: I, by no special virtue of my own, God knows! +on one of the uppermost rungs of life. She poor soul—poor soul—on the +lowest.</p> + +<p>The clock on the mantelpiece chimed eleven.</p> + +<p>She started slightly, looked at it, and then at me, as if uncertain of +her surroundings, and the shrewd, sardonic look came back to her face.</p> + +<p>"I am keeping you up," she said, rising. "I think your strong coffee has +gone to my head. This outburst of autobiography is a poor return for all +your kindness. I had no idea it was so late or that I could be so +garrulous, and I must make a very early start to-morrow. Shall I go into +the kitchen and put on my own clothes again? They must be quite dry by +now."</p> + +<p>"Oh! let me help you," I said impulsively. "Let me get you into a Home, +or help you to emigrate. Don't go back to this wandering, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span>aimless life. +Work for others, interest in others, that is what <em>you</em> need, what <em>I</em> +need, what we <em>all</em> need to take us out of ourselves, to make us forget +our own misery."</p> + +<p>"I have half forgotten mine already," she said. "To-night I remembered +it again. But I have long since put it from my mind. I think the moment +for a change of clothing in the kitchen has arrived."</p> + +<p>She spoke quietly, but as if her last word were final. I found it +impossible to continue the subject.</p> + +<p>"You will never escape in those clothes," I said. "You haven't the ghost +of a chance. If you will come into my room, I will see what I can find +for you."</p> + +<p>I had been willing to do much more than give her clothes, but I +instinctively felt that my appeal to her better feelings had fallen on +deaf ears.</p> + +<p>She followed me to my bedroom, and I got out all my oldest clothes and +spread them before her. But she would have none of them.</p> + +<p>"The worst look like an ultra-respectable district visitor," she said, +tossing aside one garment after another. It was the more <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span>curious that +she should say that because my brother-in-law had always said I looked +like one, and that my books even had a parochial flavour about them. But +then he had never really studied them, or he would have seen their +lighter side.</p> + +<p>"I had no idea pockets were worn in a little slit in the front seam," +said my visitor. "It shows how long it is since I have been 'in the +know.' No doubt front pockets came in with the bicycles. No. It is very +kind of you. But, except for that old dyed moreen petticoat, the things +won't do. I always was particular about dress, and I never was more so +than I am at this moment. You don't happen to have an old black ulster +with all the buttons off, and a bit of mangy fur dropping off the neck? +That's more my style. But of course you haven't."</p> + +<p>"I had one once of that kind; it was so bad that I could not even give +it away. So I put it in the dog's basket. Lindo used to sleep on it. He +loved it, poor dear! It may be there still."</p> + +<p>We went downstairs again, and I pulled Lindo's basket out from under the +stairs.</p> + +<p>The old black wrap was still in it, but it was mildewy and stuck to the +basket. It <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span>tore as I released it. It reminded me painfully of my lost +darling.</p> + +<p>"The very thing!" she said, with enthusiasm, as the dilapidated travesty +of a coat shook itself free. "Quiet and unobtrusive to the last degree. +Parisian in colour and simplicity. And mole colour is so becoming. Can +you really spare it? Then with the moreen petticoat I am provided, +equipped."</p> + +<p>We went back to the kitchen again.</p> + +<p>"What will you do with them?" I said, pointing to her convict clothes +which had dried perfectly stiff, owing to the amount of mud on them. How +such quantities of mud could have got on to them was a mystery to me.</p> + +<p>"It certainly does not improve one's clothes, to hide in a wet ditch in +a ploughed field," she said meditatively. "I will dispose of them early +to-morrow morning. I picked a place as I found my way here."</p> + +<p>"Not on <em>my</em> premises?" I said anxiously.</p> + +<p>"Of course not. Do you take me for a monster of ingratitude? I'll manage +that all right."</p> + +<p>I suddenly remembered that she must have food to take with her. I went +to the larder, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span>and when I came back I looked at her with renewed +amazement.</p> + +<p>My dressing-gown and slippers were laid carefully on a chair. The +astonishing woman was a tramp once more, squatting on the brick floor, +drawing on to her bare feet the shapeless excuses for boots which had +been toasting before the fire.</p> + +<p>Then she leaned over the hearth, rubbed her hands in the ashes, and +passed them gently over her face, her neck, her wrists and ankles. She +drew forward and tangled her hair before the kitchen glass. Then she +rolled up her convict clothes into a compact bundle, wiped her right +hand carefully on the kitchen towel, and held it out to me.</p> + +<p>"Remember," I said gravely, taking it in both of mine and pressing it, +"if ever you are in need of a friend, you know to whom to apply. Marion +Dalrymple, Rufford, will always find me."</p> + +<p>I thought I ought not to let her go away without letting her know who I +was. But my name seemed to have no especial meaning for her. Perhaps she +had lived beyond the pale too long.</p> + +<p>"You have indeed been a friend to me," <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span>she said. "God bless you, you +good Samaritan! May the world go well with you! Good-night, and thank +you, and good-bye. If you'll give me the stable key, I'll let myself in. +It's a pity you should come out; its raining again. And I'll leave the +stable locked when I go. And the key will be in the lavender bush at the +door. Good-bye again."</p> + +<hr class="hr3" /> + +<p>I did not sleep that night, and in the morning I was so tired that I +made no attempt to work. I had, of course, stolen out before six to +retrieve the stable key from the lavender bush, and hang it on its +accustomed nail. I looked into the stable first. My guest had departed.</p> + +<p>I spent an idle morning musing on the events of the previous evening, if +time thus spent can be called idling. It may seem so to others, but in +my own experience these apparently profitless hours are often more +fruitful than those spent in belabouring the brain to a forced activity. +But then I have always preferred to remain, as the great Molinos +advises, a learner rather than a teacher in the school of life. Early in +the afternoon, as I was on my way to the post-office, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span>my landlord, Mr. +Ledbury, met me. He looked excited, an open telegram in his hand.</p> + +<p>"Have you heard about the escaped convict?" he said. "She has been +taken. She was traced to Bronsal Heath yesterday, and run to earth this +morning at Framlingham."</p> + +<p>He turned and walked with me. He was too much taken up with the news to +notice how I started and how my colour changed. But indeed I flush and +turn pale at nothing. All my life it has been a vexation to me that a +chance word or allusion should bring the colour to my cheek.</p> + +<p>"Poor soul!" he said. "I could almost wish she had made good her escape. +She got out, Heaven alone knows how, to see her child, which she had +heard was ill. But the ground she must have covered in the time! She was +absolutely dead beat when she was taken. And she was not in her prison +clothes. That is so inexplicable. How she got others she alone knows. +Some one must have befriended her, and given them to her—some one very +poor, for she was miserably clad, and the extraordinary thing is that +though she was traced to the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span>deserted cottage on the heath yesterday, +and taken at Framlingham to-day, her prison clothes were found hidden in +my wood-yard, <em>here</em> in my wood-yard, by Zack when he went to his work. +And this place is not on the way to Framlingham. How in the name of +fortune could she have hidden her clothes <em>here</em>?"</p> + +<p>"She must have wandered here in the dark," I suggested.</p> + +<p>"I don't understand it," he said, turning in at his own gate. "But +anyhow, the poor thing has been caught."</p> + +<hr class="hr3" /> + +<p>My story should end here. Indeed, to my mind it does end here. And if I +have been persuaded by my family to add a few more lines on the subject, +it is sorely against the grain and against my artistic sense. And I am +conscious that I have been unwise in allowing myself to be over-ruled by +those who have not given their lives to literature as I have done, and +who therefore cannot judge as I can when a story should be brought to a +close.</p> + +<p>I need hardly say that I often thought of my unhappy visitant, often +wondered how she was getting on. A year later I was <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span>staying with a +friend in Ipswich who was a visitor at the prison there, and I +remembered how it was to Ipswich she had been brought back, and I asked +to see her. My friend knew her, and told me that she had made no further +attempt to escape, and that she believed the child was dead. It had been +an old promise that she would one day take me over the prison. I claimed +it, and begged that I might be allowed to have a few words with that +particular inmate. It was not according to the regulations, but my +friend was a privileged person. That afternoon I passed with her under +that dreary portal, and after walking along interminable white-washed +passages, and past how many locked and numbered doors, my friend +whispered to a warder, who motioned me to a cell.</p> + +<p>A woman was sitting on her bed with her head in her hands.</p> + +<p>"You have not forgotten me, I hope," I said gently. It may be weak, but +I have never been able to speak ungently to any one in trouble, whatever +the cause may be. I have known too much trouble myself.</p> + +<p>She raised her head slowly, pushed back her hair, and looked at me.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span>I had never seen her before.</p> + +<p>I could only stare helplessly at her.</p> + +<p>"But you are not the woman who escaped last October?" I stammered at +last.</p> + +<p>"Yes," she said pathetically, "I am. Who else should I be? What do you +want with me?"</p> + +<p>But I was speechless. It was all so unexpected, so inexplicable. I have +often thought since how much stranger fact is than fiction. The more +interested one is in life and in one's fellow-creatures the more +surprises there are in store for one. With every year I live my sense of +wonder increases, and with it my realisation of my own ignorance. As I +stared amazedly at her, a change came over her face. She looked at me +almost with eagerness.</p> + +<p>"You didn't take me for 'er, did you?" she said hurriedly. "'Er as +'elped me. Did you know 'er? She ain't copped, is she? Don't tell me as +she's copped too."</p> + +<p>"I thought you <em>were</em> her," I said. "I don't know what I thought. I +don't understand it."</p> + +<p>"She found me on a dirty night," she said, "in a tumbledown cottage. I'd +never seen her afore. But she crep' in and found <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span>me, and tole me there +was a watch kep' for me at Woodbridge. And she changed clothes with me, +so as to give me a bit of a chance. Mine was fair stiff with mud, for +I'd laid in a wet ditch till night, but they showed the blasted colour +for all that. And she give me all she had on her—her clothes, and a +bite of bread and bacon, and two pence. And it wasn't as if we was pals. +I'd never seen her afore. She stuck at nothing, and she only larfed at +the risk, for they'd have shut her up for certain if they'd caught her. +She said she'd manage some'ow. And she 'eartened me up, and put me on +the road for Wickham, and she said she'd dror away the pursoot by hiding +the prison clothes somewhere in the opsit direction where they could be +found easy by the first fool."</p> + +<p>"She did it," I said.</p> + +<p>"And how did she spare 'em? She'd nuthin' but them."</p> + +<p>"I gave her some more. If she had been my own sister I could not have +done more for her."</p> + +<p>"And she worn't caught, wor she?"</p> + +<p>"Not that I know of. No, I feel sure she never was. I helped her to get +away."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span>"I was took in spite of all," said the woman, "and by my own silliness. +But I seed my little Nan alive fust, and that was all I wanted. And I +don't know who she was, nor what she was. She tole me she was a outcast +and a tramp and a good-for-nothing. But there's never been anybody yet, +be they who they may, as done for me what she done. She'd have give me +the skin orf her back if she could 'ave took it orf. And it worn't as if +I knowed her. I'd never set eyes on 'er afore, nor never shall again."</p> + +<p>I have never seen her again, either.</p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span> +<a name="latch" id="latch"></a><big>The Hand on the Latch</big></h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There came a man across the moor,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Fell and foul of face was he,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He left the path by the cross-roads three,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And stood in the shadow of the door.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Mary Coleridge.</span><br /></p> +</div> + + +<p class="noi"><span class="smcap">She</span> stood at her low window with its uneven, wavering glass, and looked +out across the prairie. A little snow had fallen, not much, only enough +to add a sense of desolation to the boundless plain, the infinite plain +outside the four cramped walls of her log hut. The log hut was like a +tiny boat moored in some vast, tideless, impassable sea. The immensity +of the prairie had crushed her in the earlier years of her married life; +but gradually she had become accustomed to it, then reconciled to it, at +last almost a part of it. The grey had come early to her thick hair, a +certain fixity to the quiet courage of her eyes. Her calm, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span>steadfast +face showed that she was not given to depression, but nevertheless this +evening, as she stood watching for her husband's return, for the first +distant speck of him where the cart-rut vanished into the plain, a sense +of impending misfortune enfolded her with the dusk. Was it because the +first snow had fallen? Ah me! how much it meant. It was as significant +for her as the grey pallor that falls on a sick man's face. It meant the +endless winter, the greater isolation instead of the lesser, the +powerlessness to move hand or foot in that all-enveloping shroud; the +struggle, not for existence—with him beside her that was assured—not +for luxury, she had ceased to care for it, though he had not ceased to +care for her sake, but for life in any but its narrowest sense. Books, +letters, human speech, through the long months these would be almost +entirely denied her. The sudden remembrance of the larger needs of life +flooded her soul, touching to momentary semblance of movement many +things long cherished, but long since dead, like delicate sea-plants +beyond high-water mark, that cannot exist between the long droughts when +the spring tide does not come. She <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span>had known what she was doing when, +against the wishes of her family, she of the South had married him of +the North, when she left the busy city life she knew, and clave to her +husband, following him over the rim of the world, as women will follow +while they have feet to follow with. She was his superior in birth, +cultivation, refinement, but she had never regretted what she had done. +The regrets were his for her, for the poverty to which he had brought +her, and to which she had not been accustomed. She had only one regret, +if such a thin strip of a word as regret can be used to describe her +passionate, controlled desolation, immense as the prairie, because she +had no child. Perhaps if they had had children the walls of the log hut +in the waste might have closed in on them less rigidly. It might have +become more of a home.</p> + +<p>Her mind had taken its old mechanical bent, the trend of long habit, as +she looked out from that low window. How often she had stood there and +thought "If only we might have had a child!" And now, by sheer force of +habit, she thought it yet again. And then a slow rapture took possession +of <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span>her whole being, mounted, mounted till she leaned against the window +still faint with joy. She was to have a child after all. She had hardly +dared believe it at first; but as time had gone on a vague hope quickly +suppressed as unbearable had turned to suspense, suspense had alternated +with the fierce despair that precedes certainty. Certainty had come at +last, clear and calm and exquisite as dawn. She would have a child in +the spring. What was the winter to her now! Nothing but a step towards +joy. The world was all broken up and made new. The prairie, its great +loneliness, its death-like solitude, were gone out of her life. She was +to have a child in the spring. She had not dared to tell her husband +till she was sure. But she would tell him this evening, when they were +sitting together over the fire.</p> + +<p>She stood motionless in the deepening dusk, trying to be calm. And at +last in the far distance she saw a speck arise as it were out of a +crease in the level earth. Her husband on his horse. How many hundreds +of times she had seen him appear over the rim of the world, just as he +was appearing now. She lit the lamp and put it in the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span>window. She blew +the log fire to a blaze. The firelight danced on the wooden walls, +crowded with cheap pictures, and on the few precious daguerreotypes that +reminded her she too had brothers and sisters and kin of her own, far +away in one of those southern cities where the war was still smouldering +grimly on.</p> + +<p>Her husband took his horse round and stalled him. Presently he came in. +They stood a moment together in silence as their custom was, and she +leaned her forehead against his shoulder. Then she busied herself with +his supper, and he sat down heavily at the little table.</p> + +<p>"Had you any difficulty this time in getting the money together?" she +asked.</p> + +<p>Her husband was a tax collector.</p> + +<p>"None," he said abstractedly; "at least—yes—a little. But I have it +all, and the arrears as well. It makes a large sum."</p> + +<p>He was evidently thinking of something else. She did not speak again. +She saw something was troubling him.</p> + +<p>"I heard news to-day at Philip's," he said at last, "which I don't like. +If I had heard in time, and if I could have borrowed a fresh horse, I +would have ridden straight <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span>on to ——. But it was too late in the day +to be safe, and you would have been anxious what had become of me if I +had been out all night with all this money on me. I shall go to-morrow +as soon as it is light."</p> + +<p>They discussed the business which took him to the nearest town thirty +miles away, where their small savings were invested, somewhat +precariously, as it turned out. What was safe, who was safe, while the +invisible war between North and South smouldered on and on? It had not +come near them, but as an earthquake which is engulfing cities in one +part of Europe will rattle a tea-cup without oversetting it on a cottage +shelf half a continent away, so the civil war had reached them at last.</p> + +<p>"I take a hopeful view," he said, but his face was overcast. "I don't +see why we should lose the little we have. It has been hard enough to +scrape it together, God knows. Promptitude and joint action with +Reynolds will probably save it. But I must be prompt." He still spoke +abstractedly, as if even now he were thinking of something else.</p> + +<p>He began to take out of the leathern satchel various bags of money.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span>"Shall I help you to count it?"</p> + +<p>She often did so.</p> + +<p>They counted the flimsy dirty paper-money together, and put it all back +into the various labelled bags.</p> + +<p>"It comes right," he said.</p> + +<p>Suddenly she said, "But you can't pay it into the bank to-morrow if you +go to ——."</p> + +<p>"I know," he said looking at her; "that is what I have been thinking of +ever since I heard Philip's news. I don't like leaving you with all this +money in the house; but I must."</p> + +<p>She was silent. She was not frightened for herself, but it was State +money, not their own. She was not nervous as he was, but she had always +shared with him a certain dread of those bulging bags, and had always +been thankful to see him return safe—he never went twice by the same +track—after paying the money in. In those wild days, when men went +armed, with their lives in their hands, it was not well to be known to +have large sums about you.</p> + +<p>He looked at the bags, frowning.</p> + +<p>"I am not afraid," she said.</p> + +<p>"There is no real need to be," he said after a moment. "When I leave +to-morrow <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span>morning, it will be thought I have gone to pay it in. +Still——"</p> + +<p>He did not finish his sentence, but she knew what was in his mind: the +great loneliness of the prairie. Out in the white night came the short, +sharp yap of a wolf.</p> + +<p>"I am not afraid," she said again.</p> + +<p>"I shall be gone only one night," he said.</p> + +<p>"I have often been a night alone."</p> + +<p>"I know," he said; "but somehow it's worse leaving you with so much +money in the house."</p> + +<p>"No one knows it will be there."</p> + +<p>"That is true, except that every one knows I have been collecting large +sums."</p> + +<p>"They will think you have gone to pay it in as usual."</p> + +<p>"Yes," he said with an effort.</p> + +<p>Then he got up, and went to his tool-box. She watched him open it, +seeing him in a new light which encompassed him with even greater love. +"If I tell him to-night," she thought, "it will make him still more +anxious about leaving me. Perhaps he would refuse to go, and he must go. +I will not tell him till he comes back."</p> + +<p>The resolution not to speak was like taking hold of a piece of iron in +frost. She <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span>had not known it would hurt so much. A new tremulousness, +sweet and strange, passed over her—not cowardice, not fear, not of the +heart nor of the mind, but a sort of emotion of the whole being.</p> + +<p>"I will not tell him," she said again.</p> + +<p>Her husband got out his tools, took up a plank from the floor, and put +the money into a hole beneath it, beside their small valuables, such as +they were, in a biscuit tin. Then he replaced the plank, screwed it +down, and she drew back a small fur mat over the place. He put away the +tools and then came and stood in front of her. He was not conscious of +her transfiguration, and she dropped her eyes for fear of showing it.</p> + +<p>"I shall start early," he said, "as soon as it is light, and I shall be +back before sundown the day after to-morrow. I know it is unreasonable, +but I shall go easier in my mind if you will promise me one thing."</p> + +<p>"What is it?"</p> + +<p>"Not to go out of the house, or to let any one else come in on any +pretence whatever, while I am away," he said. "Bar everything, and stay +inside."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span>"I shan't want to go out."</p> + +<p>He made an impatient movement.</p> + +<p>"Promise me that, come what will, you will let no one in during my +absence," he said.</p> + +<p>"I promise."</p> + +<p>"Swear it."</p> + +<p>She hesitated.</p> + +<p>"Swear it, to please me," he said.</p> + +<p>"I swear that I will let no one into the house, on any pretext whatever, +until you come back," she said, smiling at him.</p> + +<p>He sighed and relapsed into his chair, and gave way to the great fatigue +that possessed him.</p> + +<p>The next morning he started soon after daybreak, but not until he had +brought her in sufficient fuel to last several days. There had been more +snow in the night, fine snow like salt, but not enough to make +travelling difficult. She watched him ride away, and silenced the voice +within her which always said as she saw him go, "You will never see him +again; you have heard his voice for the last time." Perhaps, after all, +the difference between the brave and the cowardly lies in how they deal +with that voice. Both hear it. She silenced it instantly. It spoke +again, more insistently, "You have heard <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span>his voice, felt his kiss, for +the last time. He will never see the face of his child." She silenced it +again, and went about her work.</p> + +<p>The day passed as countless other days had passed. She was accustomed to +be much alone. She had work to do, enough and to spare, within the +little home which was to become a real home, please God, in the spring. +The evening fell almost before she expected it. She locked and barred +the doors, and closed the shutters of the windows. She made all secure, +as she had done many a time before.</p> + +<p>And then, putting aside her work, she took down the newest of her +well-worn books, lately sent her from New Orleans, and began to read.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oui, sans doute, tout meurt: ce monde est un grand rêve,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Et le peu de bonheur qui nous vient en chemin,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nous n'avons pas plus tôt ce roseau dans la main,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Que le vent nous l'enlève.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>"Que le vent nous l'enlève." She repeated the last words to herself. Ah +no! the wind could not take her happiness out of her hand.</p> + +<p>A wandering wind had risen at nightfall, and it came softly across the +snow, and tried <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span>the doors and windows as with a furtive hand. She could +hear it coming as from an immense distance, passing with a sigh, +returning plaintive, homeless, forlorn, to whisper round the house.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">J'ai vu sous le soleil tomber bien d'autres choses<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Que les feuilles des bois, et l'écume des eaux,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Bien d'autres s'en aller que le parfum des roses<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Et le chant des oiseaux.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>That wind meant more snow. Involuntarily she laid down her book and +listened to it.</p> + +<p>How like the sound of the wind was to wandering footsteps, slowly +drawing near, creeping round the house. She could almost have fancied +that a hand touched the shutters, was even now trying to raise the latch +of the door.</p> + +<p>A moment of intense silence, in which the wind seemed to hold its breath +and listen without, while she listened within. And then a low, distinct +knock upon the door.</p> + +<p>She did not move.</p> + +<p>"It is the wind," she said to herself; but she knew it was not.</p> + +<p>The knock came again, low, urgent, not to be denied.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span>She had become very cold. She had supposed fear was an emotion of the +mind. She had not reckoned for this slow paralysis of the body.</p> + +<p>She managed to creep to the window and unbar the shutter an inch or two. +By pressing her face against the extreme corner of the pane she could +just discern in the snowlight part of a man's figure, wrapped in a long +cloak.</p> + +<p>She barred the window once more. She was not surprised. She knew now +that she had known it always. She had pretended to herself that the +thief would not come; but she was expecting him when he knocked. And he +stood there, outside. Presently he would be inside.</p> + +<p>He knocked yet again, this time more loudly. What need was there for +silence when for miles and miles round there was no ear to hear save +that of a chance prairie dog?</p> + +<p>She laid hold upon her courage, seeing that it was her only refuge, and +went to the door.</p> + +<p>"Who is there?" she said through a chink.</p> + +<p>A man's voice, low and feeble, replied, "Let me in."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span>"I cannot let you in."</p> + +<p>There was a short silence.</p> + +<p>"I pray you, let me in," he said again.</p> + +<p>"I have told you I cannot. Who are you?"</p> + +<p>"I am a soldier, wounded. I'm trying to get back to my friends at ——." +He mentioned a settlement about fifty miles north. "I have missed my +way, and I can't drag myself any farther."</p> + +<p>Her heart swung violently between suspicion and compassion.</p> + +<p>"I am alone in the house," she said. "My husband is away, and he made me +promise not to let any one in on any pretence whatever during his +absence."</p> + +<p>"Then I shall die on your doorstep," said the voice. "I can't drag +myself any farther."</p> + +<p>There was another silence.</p> + +<p>"It is beginning to snow," he said.</p> + +<p>"I know," she said, and he heard the trouble in her voice.</p> + +<p>"Open the door and look at me," he said, "and see if I can do you any +harm."</p> + +<p>She opened the door, and stood on the threshold, barring the way. He was +leaning against the doorpost with his head against it, as she had often +seen her husband lean <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span>when he was talking to her on a summer evening. +Something in his attitude, so like her husband's, touched her strangely. +Supposing he were in need, and pleaded for help in vain!</p> + +<p>The man turned his face towards her. It was sunk and hollow, ravaged +with pain, an evil-looking face. His right arm was in a sling under his +tattered military cloak. He seemed to have made his final effort, and +now stood staring dumbly at her.</p> + +<p>"My husband will never forgive me," she said, with a sort of sob.</p> + +<p>He said nothing more. He seemed at the last point of exhaustion. Through +the dim white night a few flakes of snow fell upon his harsh, repellent +face and on his bandaged arm.</p> + +<p>A sudden wave of pity carried all before it.</p> + +<p>She beckoned him into the house, and locked and barred the door. She put +him in her husband's chair by the fire. He hardly noticed anything. He +seemed stupefied. He sat staring alternately at the fire and at her. +When she asked him to which regiment he belonged, he did not answer.</p> + +<p>She set before him the supper she had <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span>prepared for herself, and chafed +his hard, emaciated, dirty hand till the warmth returned to it. Then he +ate, with difficulty at first, then with slow voracity, all she had put +before him.</p> + +<p>A semblance of life returned gradually to him.</p> + +<p>"I was pretty near done up when I knocked," he said several times.</p> + +<p>She dressed his wound, which did not appear very deep, wrapped it in +fresh bandages, and readjusted his sling. He took it all as a matter of +course.</p> + +<p>She made up a little bed of rugs and blankets for him in the back +kitchen. When she came back to the living-room, she found he had dragged +himself to his feet, and was looking vacantly at a little picture of +President Lincoln on the mantelshelf. She showed him the bed and told +him to lie down on it. He obeyed her implicitly, like a child. She left +him, and presently heard him cast himself down. A few minutes later she +went to the door and listened. His heavy, regular breathing told her he +was asleep.</p> + +<p>She went back to the kitchen, and sat down by the fire.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span>Was he really asleep? Was it all feigned, the wound, the story, the +exhaustion? Had she been trapped? Oh! what had she done? What had she +done?</p> + +<p>She seemed like two people. One self, silent, alert, experienced, +fearless, knew that she had allowed herself to be deluded, in spite of +being warned; knew that her feelings had been played upon, made use of, +not even dexterously made use of; knew that she had disobeyed her +husband, broken her solemn oath to him, plunged him with herself into +disgrace if the money were stolen. And in the eyes of that self it was +already stolen. It was still under the plank beneath her feet, but it +was already stolen.</p> + +<p>The other self, tremulous, inconsequent, full of irresistible tenderness +for suffering and weakness even in its uncouthest garb, said +incessantly, "I could do no less. If I die for it, still I could do no +less. Somebody brought him into the world. Some woman cried for joy and +anguish when he was born. He would have died if I had not taken him in. +I could do no less."</p> + +<p>Through the long hours she sat by the fire, unable to reconcile herself +to going upstairs to her own room and to bed.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span>Once she got up and noiselessly took down her husband's revolver from +the mantelshelf, and examined it. He had taken its fellow with him, and +apparently, contrary to his custom, he had taken the powder-flask with +him too, for it was gone from its nail. The revolvers were always kept +loaded, but—by some evil chance—the one that remained was unloaded. +She could have sworn she had seen her husband load it two days ago. Why +was this numbness creeping over her again? She got out powder and +bullets from a small store she had of her own, loaded and primed it, and +laid it on the table beside her.</p> + +<p>The night had become very still. Her hearing seemed to reach out till +she felt she could have heard a coyote move in its hole miles away. The +log fire creaked and shifted. The tall clock in the corner ticked, +catching its chain now and then as its manner was. The wooden walls +shrunk and groaned a little. The small home-like sounds only accentuated +the enormous silence without. Suddenly in the midst of them a real sound +fell upon her ear—very low, but different, not like the fragmentary +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span>inadvertent murmur of the hut; a small, purposeful, stealthy, sound, +aware of itself. She listened, as she had listened before, without +moving. It was not louder than the whittling of a mouse behind the +wainscot, hardly louder than the scraping of a mole's thin hand in the +soil. It continued. Then it stopped. It was only her foolish fancy after +all. There it was again. Where did it come from?</p> + +<p><em>The man in the next room?</em></p> + +<p>She took up the lamp and crept down the narrow passage to the door of +the back kitchen. His loud, even breathing sounded distinctly through +the crannies of the ill-fitting door. Surely it was overloud. She +listened to it. She could hear nothing else. Was his breathing a +pretence? She opened the door noiselessly, and went in, shading the +light with her hand.</p> + +<p>She bent over the sleeping man. At the first glance her heart sank, for +he had not taken off his boots. But as she looked hard at him her +suspicions died within her. He lay on his back with his coarse, +emaciated face towards her, his mouth open, showing his broken teeth. +The sleep of utter exhaustion was upon him. She could have <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span>killed him +as he lay. He was not acting. He was really asleep.</p> + +<p>She crept out of the room again, leaving the door ajar, and went back to +the kitchen.</p> + +<p>Hardly had she sat down when she heard the sound again. It was too faint +to reach her except when she was in the kitchen. She knew now where it +came from—<em>the door</em>. Some one was picking the lock.</p> + +<p>The instant the sleeping man was out of her sight she suspected him +again.</p> + +<p>Was he really asleep after all? He had not taken off his boots. When she +came back from making his bed she had found him standing by the +mantelshelf. Had he unloaded the pistol in her absence? Would he +presently get up, and open the door to his confederates?</p> + +<p>Her mind rose clear and cold and unflinching. She took up the pistol, +and then laid it down again. She wanted a more noiseless weapon. She got +out her husband's great clasp-knife from the open tool-box, took the +lamp, and crept back to the man's bedside. She should be able to kill +him—certainly she should be able to kill him; and then she should have +the pistol for the other one.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span>But he still slept heavily. When she saw him again, again her +suspicions fell from her. She <em>knew</em> he was asleep.</p> + +<p>She shook him by the shoulder, noiselessly, but with increasing +violence, until he opened his eyes with a groan. Then only she +remembered that she was shaking his wounded arm. He saw the knife in her +hand, and raised his left arm as if to ward off the blow.</p> + +<p>"Listen," she whispered, close to his ear. "Don't speak. There is a man +trying to break into the house. You must get up and help me."</p> + +<p>He stared at her, vaguely at first, but with growing intelligence. The +food and sleep had restored him somewhat to himself. He sat up on the +couch.</p> + +<p>"Take off my boots," he whispered; "I tried, and could not."</p> + +<p>Her last suspicion of him vanished. She cut the laces with her knife, +and dragged his boots off. They stuck to his feet, and bits of the +woollen socks came off with them. They had evidently not been taken off +for weeks. While she did it, he whispered, "Why should any one be +wanting to break in? There's nothing here to take."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span>"Yes, there is," she said. "There's a lot of money."</p> + +<p>"Good Lord! Where?"</p> + +<p>"Under the floor in the kitchen."</p> + +<p>"Then it's the kitchen they'll make for. You bet they know where the +money is, if they know it's here. Are there many of 'em?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know."</p> + +<p>"Well, we shall know soon enough," said the man. He had become alert, +keen. "Have you any pistols?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, one."</p> + +<p>"Fetch it, but don't make a sound, mind."</p> + +<p>She stole away, and returned with the pistol. She would have put it into +his hand, but he pushed it away.</p> + +<p>"It's no use to me," he said, "with my arm in a sling. I will see what I +can do with my left hand and the knife. Can you shoot?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Can you hit anything?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"To be depended on?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Well, it's darned lucky. How long will that door hold?"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span>They were both in the little passage by now, pressed close together, +listening to the furtive pick, pick, of some one at the lock.</p> + +<p>"I don't think it will hold more than a minute."</p> + +<p>"Now, look here," he said, "I shall go and stand at the foot of the +stair, and knife the second man, if there is a second. The first man +I'll leave to you. There's a bit of light outside from the snow. He'll +let in enough light to see him by as he opens the door. Don't wait. Fire +at him as he comes in, and don't stop; go on firing at him till he +drops. You've got six bullets. Don't you make any mistake and shoot me. +I've had enough of that already. Now, you look carefully where I'm going +to stand and when I'm there you put out the lamp."</p> + +<p>He spoke to her as a man does to his comrade.</p> + +<p>That she could be frightened did not seem to enter his calculations. He +moved with cat-like stealth to the foot of the tiny staircase, and +flattened himself against the wall. Then he stretched his left arm once +or twice as if to make sure of it, licked the haft of the knife, and +nodded at her.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span>She instantly put out the lamp.</p> + +<p>All was dark save for a faint thread of light which outlined the door. +Across the thread something moved once—twice. The sound of picking +ceased. Then another sound succeeded it, a new one, unlike the last, as +if something was being gently prized open, wrenched.</p> + +<p>"The bar will hold," she said to herself; and then remembered for the +first time that the rung into which the bar slid had been loose these +many days. It was giving now.</p> + +<p>It had given!</p> + +<p>The door opened silently, and a man came in.</p> + +<p>For a moment she saw him clear with the accomplice snowlight behind him. +She did not hesitate. She shot once and again. He fell, and struggled +violently up, and she shot again. He fell, and dragged himself to his +knees, and she shot again. Then he sank gently and slowly down, as if +tired, with his face against the wall, and moved no more.</p> + +<p>The man on the stairs rushed out and looked through the open door.</p> + +<p>"By G——! he was single-handed," he said.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span>Then he stooped over the prostrate man, and turned him over on his +back.</p> + +<p>"Dead!" he said, chuckling. "Well done, missus! Stone dead!"</p> + +<p>He was masked.</p> + +<p>The dirty left hand tore the mask callously off the grey face.</p> + +<p>The woman had drawn near, and looked over his shoulder.</p> + +<p>"Do you know him?" said the man.</p> + +<p>For a moment she did not answer, and the pistol which had done its work +so well dropped noisily out of her palsied hand.</p> + +<p>"He is a stranger to me," she said, looking fixedly at her husband's +fading face.</p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span> +<a name="summer" id="summer"></a><big>Saint Luke's Summer</big><br /> +<br /> +<em>IN TWO PARTS</em></h2> + + +<h3>PART I</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">When the world's asleep,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I awake and weep,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Deeply sighing, say,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Come, O break of day,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Lead my feet in my beloved's way."<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Margaret L. Woods</span>.<br /></p> +</div> + +<p class="noi"><span class="smcap">When</span> first I knew Aunt Emmy I suppose she was about twenty-eight. I was +ten, and I thought her old, but still an agreeable companion, infinitely +pleasanter than her father and her brother, with whom she lived. She was +not my real aunt, but her father was my great-uncle, and I always called +her Aunt Emmy. Great-uncle Thomas and Uncle Tom were persons to be +avoided, stout, heavy, bullet-headed, bull-necked, throat-clearing men, +loud nose-blowers, loud soup-eaters, who reeked of tobacco when it <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span>was +my horrid duty to kiss them, and who addressed me in jocular terms when +they remembered my existence, of which I was always loth to remind them. +With these two horrors, whom she loved, Aunt Emmy lived. She was wrapped +up in them. I have actually seen her kiss Uncle Thomas when it was not +necessary, when he was asleep; and she admired Uncle Tom very much too, +though she seldom kissed him, I believe by his wish. He used to say +something about sister's kisses being like cold veal. I don't suppose he +invented that himself. He was always picking up things like that out of +a rose-coloured paper, and firing them off as his own. Uncle Tom was +tall and portly, and a wag out of office hours, with a moustache that, +in spite of all his efforts, would not turn up, but insisted on making a +melancholy inner semicircle just a size smaller than the rubicund circle +of his face. How I hated kindly, vulgar Uncle Tom! I used to pray that +he might die before the holidays. But he never did. I see now that Uncle +Tom was far, far worse than Uncle Thomas, who had had a stroke, and was +a kind of furious invalid who could not speak clearly, or eat anything +except <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span>things that were bad for him. But when I was a child, and first +began to spend my holidays in Pembridge Square, I regarded them both +with the same repulsion.</p> + +<p>Aunt Emmy was different. I know now that she must have been a remarkably +pretty woman, but I did not notice that at the time. But a faint, +indefinable fragrance seemed to envelop her. I loved to stroke her soft +white hand, and to turn the emerald ring on her third finger, and to +lean against her soft shoulder. Aunt Emmy's cheek was very soft too, and +so was her full, silky hair, which she wore parted all her life, though +it was never the fashion to do so that I can remember, though I am told +it is now the <em>dernier cri</em> among the <em>débutantes</em>. Aunt Emmy had a +beautifully shaped head, and the whitest brow and neck that I have ever +seen. And she had a low voice, and was very dignified. I do not think +that she was a very wise woman, or that she had ever wrestled with the +deeper problems of life, or that the mystery of pain had ever caused her +faith to totter. But she was very good to live with. She devoted +herself.</p> + +<p>She never had her own way in anything that I can remember. The house +never <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span>represented her. The furniture was leathern and velvet and +stout-looking, the kind of furniture which seems to aim at being more or +less exact moulds of the forms of middle-aged men. The armchairs were +like commodious hip-baths in plush. Aunt Emmy and I were lost in them. I +remember once walking as a child through the wilderness of armchairs at +Maple's and thinking they all looked like Uncle Tom. A good deal of +Utrecht velvet had gone to the upholstering of that house in Pembridge +Square. It was comfortable, airless, flowerless, with gravy-coloured +walls. As I grew older I wondered why it was all so ugly and dreary. But +I found there were less means than I had supposed, and though the +cooking remained excellent, flowers and new chintzes were dispensed with +as unnecessary. Aunt Emmy opened a window surreptitiously now and then, +but Uncle Thomas and Uncle Tom hated draughts, and they did not get off +to sleep so quickly after dinner if the drawing-room had been aired +during the meal. The dining-room windows were never opened at all, +except when Uncle Thomas was too unwell to come in and Uncle Tom was +away.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span>Many men had wished to marry Aunt Emmy; not only sedentary professional +men in long frock-coats, full to the brim of the best food, like Uncle +Tom; but nice, lean, hungry-looking, open-air men who were majors, or +country squires, or something interesting of that kind, whose clothes +sat well on them, and who drew up in the Row on little skittish, +curveting polo-ponies when Aunt Emmy and I walked there. I once asked +her, after a certain good-looking Major Stoddart had ridden on, why she +did not marry, but she only said reprovingly, with great dignity:</p> + +<p>"You don't understand such matters, my dear, or you would know that I +could not possibly leave your Uncle Thomas."</p> + +<p>I was silenced. I felt with bitterness that this could not be her whole +reason for celibacy, but that, owing to the purely superficial fact that +my hair was still in a pigtail, she supposed I was unable to comprehend +"lots of things" that I felt I understood perfectly, and on which my +mind was already working with an energy which would have surprised her +had she guessed it.</p> + +<p>By this time I worshipped Aunt Emmy, who represented in my somewhat +colourless <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span>orphaned existence the beautiful and romantic side of life. +Aunt Emmy looked romantic, and the contrast between her refined, gentle +self-effacement and the commonplace egotism of her two men was of the +glaring nature which appeals to a young girl's imagination.</p> + +<p>I never forgot Major Stoddart, and when I was eighteen, and had left +school and was living in Pembridge Square, I had the good fortune to +come in for the remains of a scene between Aunt Emmy and Uncle Tom—the +very day after I had turned up my hair.</p> + +<p>It was at luncheon, to which I came in late. Uncle Thomas was in bed +with gout, and Uncle Tom did not consider me of enough consequence to +matter. He had not realised even <em>now</em> that I was a grown-up woman. +Looking back after all these years, I am not sure that he was not astute +enough to hope that I might prove an ally.</p> + +<p>"What you have got to do, Emmy, is to think of the future," he was +saying, scooping all the visible eggs out of an aspic pie. "It's no +manner of use living only in the present. You think this comfortable +home will go on for ever, where you have lived in luxury. It won't. It +can't. It's not in <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span>the nature of things. I saw Blackett yesterday +(Blackett was the doctor), and he told me that if the governor's gout +rises—and nothing he can do can keep it down—he won't last more than a +year at longest. In the nature of things," Uncle Tom continued, bolting +half an egg, "I shall then marry. In fact—in short——"</p> + +<p>"Has Miss Collett accepted you?" said Aunt Emmy tremulously.</p> + +<p>Miss Collett was a person of means, and of somewhat bulged attractions +for those who admire size, of whom Uncle Tom had often spoken as a +deuced fine woman.</p> + +<p>"She has," said Uncle Tom. "I made pretty sure of that before I said +anything myself. Nothing immediate, you understand; but eventually—when +the old governor goes—I don't want to hurry him, Lord knows; but when +the old man does pop off, I shall—bring her here."</p> + +<p>I looked round the room. I had seen Miss Collett, and the mahogany and +ormolu dining-room, with its great gilt mirrors, seemed a fitting +background for her.</p> + +<p>"I am very glad, dear Tom," said Aunt Emmy. "I think you and she will be +very well suited, and I am sure she is very lucky, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span>though I suppose I +should never think any one <em>quite</em> good enough."</p> + +<p>"Oh! that's all right," said Uncle Tom. "And as for the luck, it's all +on my side."</p> + +<p>He did not really think this, I knew, but it was the right thing to say, +so he said it.</p> + +<p>"But I am not thinking only of myself," he continued. "There is you to +be considered."</p> + +<p>Aunt Emmy dropped her eyes.</p> + +<p>"You mean, where I shall live," she said faintly.</p> + +<p>"Just so. Just so. You speak like a sensible woman. We must not forget +you." Uncle Tom was becoming visibly uneasy. "And I may as well tell you +now, old girl—prepare your mind beforehand, don't you know—that the +governor has not been able to leave you as much as he wished, as we +<em>both</em> wished. The truth is, what with one thing and another, and nearly +all his capital tied up in the business, and this house on a long lease +and expensive to keep up, with the best will in the world the poor old +pater <em>can't</em> do much for you."</p> + +<p>"It will be enough," said Aunt Emmy.</p> + +<p>"It will be the interest of seven thousand <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span>pounds at three and a half +per cent.," said Uncle Tom brutally, because he was uncomfortable, +"about two hundred and thirty pounds a year."</p> + +<p>"It will be ample," said Aunt Emmy. I knew by the faint colour in her +cheeks that the conversation was odious to her. "Dear Tom, let us talk +of something else."</p> + +<p>"We will," said Uncle Tom, with unexpected mental agility, and with the +obvious relief of a man who has got safely round a difficult corner. "We +will. Now, how about Colonel Stoddart?"</p> + +<p>My heart beat suddenly. I was beginning to see life—at last.</p> + +<p>"There is nothing to say about him," said Aunt Emmy.</p> + +<p>"A good chap, and a gentlemanly chap," said Uncle Tom urbanely, leaning +back in his chair. "Eton, the 'varsity, and all that sort of thing. +Quite one of ourselves. Old family, and a warm man. And suitable in age. +<em>My</em> age. Thirty-nine. (Uncle Tom was really forty-one.) You're no +chicken yourself, you know, Emmy. Thirty-eight, though I own you don't +look it, my dear. Well, what's the matter with Colonel Stoddart, I +should like to know?"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span>"Nothing."</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm glad to hear it, for he tells me you refused him again only +last week. Now, look here. One moment, please. Don't speak. I call it +Providence, downright Providence," and Uncle Tom rapped the table with a +thick finger. "And yet you won't look at him. I don't say marry him out +of hand. Of course," Uncle Tom added hurriedly, "you can't leave the old +pater while he is above ground. There's no question of that. But I <em>do</em> +say, Give the fellow a chance. He's been dangling after you for years. +Tell him that some day——"</p> + +<p>Aunt Emmy rose from the table, and laid down her napkin.</p> + +<p>"Now, look here, old girl," said Uncle Tom, not unkindly, "don't get +your feathers up with me. Think better of it. You know this sort of +first-class opportunity may not occur again. It really may not. If it +isn't Providence, I'm sure I don't know what it is. And I believe your +only reason for refusing him is because of Bob Kingston. Now, don't fly +in the face of Providence just out of a bit of rotten sentiment which +you ought to be ashamed of at your age."</p> + +<p>My brain reeled. I had never heard of <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span>Bob Kingston. I said "Good God!" +to myself, not because it was natural to me to use such an expression, +but because I felt it was suitable to the occasion and to a person whose +hair was done up.</p> + +<p>"Tom," said Aunt Emmy, her soft eyes blazing, "I desire that you will +never allude to Mr. Kingston again."</p> + +<p>She left the room, and I did the same, with what I hope was a withering +glance at the open-mouthed Uncle Tom, who for days afterwards +interlarded his conversation with the refrain that he was blessed if he +could understand women.</p> + +<p>But I dared not follow Aunt Emmy to her little sitting-room at the top +of the house. She who was almost never alone, clung, I knew, to that +tiny refuge, and it was an understood thing between us that I might +creep in and sit with her a little after tea, but not before.</p> + +<p>So I raged up and down the empty gilded and mirrored drawing-room, +finding myself quite unable to reconcile the situation with my faith in +a beneficent Deity; and then consoled myself by chronicling my tottering +faith in my diary. I wrote a diary until I married. Then, I suppose, I +became <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span>more interested in life than in recording my own feelings. At +any rate, I discontinued it.</p> + +<p>At last, when Aunt Emmy did not come down for tea, I took her a cup.</p> + +<p>She was sitting in a low chair with her back to the light. I could see +that she had been crying, but she was quite calm. She had a suspiciously +clean pocket-handkerchief in her hand. Her sitting-room was a small +north chamber under the roof, but it was the place I liked best in the +house. On her rare expeditions abroad, before Uncle Thomas had become +too ill to be left, she had picked up some quaint pieces of pottery and +a few old Italian mirrors. The little white room with its pale blue +linen coverings had an atmosphere and a refinement of its own. It was +spring, and there was a bunch of daffodils near the open window in a +blue-and-white oil-jar with <em>Ole Scorpio</em> on it.</p> + +<p>Aunt Emmy drank some tea, and remarked that I made it better than she +did.</p> + +<p>"Your Uncle Tom has a very kind heart," she said, looking a little +pugnaciously at me. "It is so like him, just when he might naturally be +taken up with his own affairs, to be anxious about me."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span>We each knew the other was not deceived.</p> + +<p>I longed to say, "Why not marry Colonel Stoddart?"</p> + +<p>I had only seen him on horseback. I did not know how he looked on the +ground, but I would have married him myself in a second if he had asked +me, partly no doubt because he was a little like Lord K——, the hero of +my teens to whom I had never spoken, and partly because he was the exact +opposite of Uncle Tom. How Miss Collett <em>could</em>! How anybody could! Yet +Uncle Tom always talked as if he had only to choose among the flower of +English womanhood, and the stouter and more repellent he grew the more +communicative and conscientious he became about his fear of raising +expectations in female bosoms which he might not be able to gratify. How +I scorned Uncle Tom when he talked like that, knowing as I did—but +neither he nor Aunt Emmy knew I knew (it was always like that, they +always thought I did not know things)—knowing as I did that Miss Rose +Delaine and Miss Wright had both refused him. I did not realise in my +intolerant youth that the anxiety of some middle-aged bachelors still to +appear eligible, the way their minds hover round imaginary <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span>conquests, +has its pathetic side. Looking back, I believe now that Miss Collett was +not by any means poor Uncle Tom's first choice, but his last chance. And +perhaps he was her last chance too.</p> + +<p>"I know father is dying. I have known it some time," said Aunt Emmy, and +her face became convulsed. "He spoke so beautifully about it only +yesterday. And I have known for a long time that Tom and Miss Collett +were likely to come to an arrangement."</p> + +<p>She had not a grain of irony in her, but no word could have been more +applicable to Uncle Tom and Miss Collett than an arrangement. One felt +that each had measured the other by avoirdupois weight, and had found +the balance even.</p> + +<p>"Is Uncle Thomas opposed to your marrying?" I ventured to say, with the +tact of eighteen.</p> + +<p>"No, my dear; that is what is so wonderful. He was so dreadfully against +it long ago—once—indeed, until quite lately. But it's no use speaking +of that. But now he is quite anxious for it, so long as I don't leave +him. He wants me to promise Colonel Stoddart, but to tell him that I +could not <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span>leave my father during his lifetime, which of course I +couldn't."</p> + +<p>"Won't Colonel Stoddart wait?" I said, waxing bolder. I had slipped down +on the floor beside her and was stroking her white hand. I hoped I was +saying the right thing. I was adoringly fond of her, but I was also +eighteen, and this was my first introduction to a real romance. I was +feverishly anxious to rise to the occasion, to have nothing to regret in +retrospect.</p> + +<p>"I daresay he would. I think he said something about it," she said +apathetically.</p> + +<p>I remembered a beautiful sentence I had read in a novel about +confidences being mutual, and I said reproachfully, "Aunt Emmy, I have +told you <em>all</em> about Lord K——; won't you tell me, just me, no one +else—about Mr. Kingston?"</p> + +<p>And she told me. I think it was a relief to speak to some one. I held my +cheek against her hand all the time. It seemed that a sort of demigod of +the name of Kingston had alighted in her life when she was nineteen (I +felt with a pang that I had still a whole year to wait) and he was +twenty-one. Aunt Emmy waxed boldly eloquent in her description of his +unique and heroic <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span>character, shyly eloquent in her dispassionate +indication of his almost terrifying beauty.</p> + +<p>I think Aunt Emmy became a girl in her teens again for a few minutes, +carried away by her memory, and by the idolising sympathy of the other +girl in her teens at her feet in a seventh heaven at being a confidant. +But in one sense, on the sentimental plane, she had never ceased to be a +girl. She and I viewed the situation almost from the same standpoint.</p> + +<p>"Aunt Emmy, <em>was</em> he tall?"</p> + +<p>"He was, my love."</p> + +<p>"And slender?"</p> + +<p>My whole life hung in the balance. I had all a young girl's repulsion +towards stout men.</p> + +<p>"He was thin and wiry, and very athletic, a great rider."</p> + +<p>I gave a sigh of relief.</p> + +<p>"Did his—it does not really matter" (I felt the essentials were all +right and that I must not ask too much of life)—"but did his hair +curl?"</p> + +<p>Aunt Emmy drew out of her bosom a little locket, hanging by a thin gold +chain, with a forget-me-not in blue enamel on it, and opened it. Inside +was a curl of chestnut <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span>hair. It was not tied in the shape of a curl. It +was a real curl.</p> + +<p>I looked at it with awe.</p> + +<p>Aunt Emmy answered my highest expectations at every point. I had never +seen that enamel locket before. Yet I divined at once that she had worn +it under her clothes—as indeed she had, day and night for how many +years! I felt that I would not care how it ended, happily or unhappily, +if only I might have a romance and a locket like that.</p> + +<p>"He gave it me when we parted eighteen years ago," she said, her voice +quivering a little.</p> + +<p>I knew well that lovers always did part. They invariably severed, +"severed for years." I was not the least surprised to hear he was gone, +for I was already learning "In the Gloaming," and trilled it forth in a +thin, throaty voice which Aunt Emmy said was remarkably like what hers +had been at my age.</p> + +<p>"Why were you parted?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"He had not any money, and he had his way to make. And he had an uncle +out there who wanted him to go to him. It was a good opening, though he +would not have <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span>taken it if it had not been for me, for though he was so +fond of horses he was not the kind of person for that kind of life, +sheep and things. He cared so much for books and poetry. And your Uncle +Thomas was very much against my marrying at that time, in fact, he +positively forbade it. You see, mother was dead, and your Uncle Thomas +had become more dependent on me than he was quite aware until there was +a question of my leaving him. Men are like that, my love. They need a +woman all the time to look after them, and listen to their talk, and +keep vexatious things away. And he was always a most tender father. He +said he could not bear the thought of his only daughter roughing it in +Australia. He said he would withdraw his opposition if—if—Bob (Bob was +his name) came home with a sufficient fortune to keep me in comfort in +England."</p> + +<p>"And he never did?"</p> + +<p>"He went out to try. I felt sure he would, and he felt sure he would. At +twenty-two it seems as if fortunes can be made if it is really +necessary. And I promised to wait for him, and he was to work to win +me."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span>I could not refrain from shedding a tear. It was all so beautiful, so +far beyond anything I could have hoped. I pressed Aunt Emmy's hand in +silence, and she went on:</p> + +<p>"But there were bad seasons, and though he worked and worked, and though +he did get on, still, you could not call it a fortune. And after five +years had passed he wrote to say that he was making a living, and his +uncle had taken him into partnership, and could not I come out to him. +He had built an extra room on purpose for me. Your Uncle Thomas was +terribly angry when the letter came, because he had always been against +my emigrating, and he forbade any further correspondence. Men are very +high-handed, my love, when you come to live with them. We were not +allowed to write after that. Do you know, my dear, I became so +distressed that I had thoughts—I actually contemplated running away to +Australia?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! why didn't you?" I groaned. That, of course, was the obvious +solution of the difficulty.</p> + +<p>"Very soon after that your Uncle Thomas had his stroke, and after that +of course I could not leave him."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span>"Could not we do it still?" I suggested. Of course I took for granted +that I should be involved in the elopement, as the confidential friend +who carries a little reticule with jewels in it, and sustains throughout +the spirits of the principal eloper.</p> + +<p>"<em>Now!</em>" said Aunt Emmy, and for a moment a violent emotion disfigured +her sweet face. "Now. Oh! my child, all this happened fifteen years ago, +when you were a toddling baby."</p> + +<p>"I wish to Heaven I had been as old then as I am now," I said with +clenched hands. I felt that I could have vanquished Uncle Thomas and +Uncle Tom, and all this conspiracy against my darling Aunt Emmy's +happiness.</p> + +<p>"And is he still—still——?" I ventured.</p> + +<p>"I don't know whether he is still—free. I have not heard from him for +fifteen years. Uncle Thomas was very firm about the correspondence. He +is a very decided character, especially since his stroke, and I have +ceased to hear anything at all about him since his mother died twelve +years ago."</p> + +<p>To me twelve years ago was as in the time of Noah. Yet here was Aunt +Emmy, to whom it was all as fresh as yesterday.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span>"When she died," said Aunt Emmy, "she was ill for a long time before, +and I used to go and sit with her. She was fond of me, but she never +quite did your Uncle Thomas justice. When she died she sent me this +ring." She touched the beautiful emerald ring she always wore. "She said +she had left it to him, and he had asked that she would send it to me. +It had been her own engagement ring."</p> + +<p>"Why don't you wear it on your engaged finger?"</p> + +<p>"I did at first. It was a kind of comfort to me. But Uncle Tom was +constantly vexed with me about it. He said it might keep things off. He +is a very practical person, Uncle Tom, a very shrewd man of business, +I'm told. So, to please him, I wear it in the daytime on my right hand."</p> + +<p>By this time I was shedding tears of sheer sensibility.</p> + +<p>"I have thought of him day and night; there has not been a night I have +not remembered him in my prayers for nearly twenty years. It will be +twenty years next April. How could I begin to think of any one else +<em>now</em>, Colonel Stoddart or any <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span>one? Uncle Tom is very clever, and so is +your Uncle Thomas, but I don't think they have ever <em>quite</em> understood +what I feel about Mr. Kingston."</p> + +<p>An electric bell in a little box over the door rang in a furious manner.</p> + +<p>Aunt Emmy was on her feet in a second, smoothing her fair hair at the +Venetian mirror.</p> + +<p>"Your Uncle Thomas is awake," she said, "and is ready to be read to. He +never likes being kept waiting."</p> + +<p>This seemed to be the case, for as she left the room the electric bell +rang again more furiously than before, and I shook my fist at it.</p> + +<hr class="hr4" /> + +<h3>PART II</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">If some star of heaven<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Led him by at even,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">If some magic fate<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Brought him, should I wait,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Or fly within and bid them close the gate?<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Margaret L. Woods</span>.<br /></p> +</div> + +<p class="noi"><span class="smcap">The</span> following year I suddenly married a soldier, the only young man I +knew, and I knew him very slightly, and went out to India with him. I +did not forget Aunt <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span>Emmy, we corresponded regularly; but I was young +and my life was a very full one. I had seen nothing of the world till I +married. I had a child. The years rushed past, joyful, miserable, vivid, +surprising, happy years, in spite of the fact that my husband was not +remarkably like Lord K——in appearance, and not in the least like the +"plaister saint" with whom I had hurried to the altar on such slight +provocation.</p> + +<p>During these years Uncle Thomas died, and Uncle Tom married, and Aunt +Emmy wrote to me that she had taken a little cottage in Abinger Forest +against her brother's advice, and how, in spite of his opposition—how +much it must have cost her to oppose him—he had forgiven her and +presented her with the most expensive mahogany bedstead and bedding that +Maple could supply—"so like him."</p> + +<p>I wondered vaguely once or twice whether there had been any question of +her marrying Mr. Kingston, but there was no mention of him in her +letters, and I did not like to ask. I knew that she was very poor, but +presently my heart was gladdened by hearing from her that a distant +relation had left her a legacy, and that she was now comfortably off.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span>Then suddenly our life was darkened. Our child died. I struggled with +my grief, became ill, and was sent home. Aunt Emmy urged me to go +straight to her. She and Uncle Tom were my only near relations in +England. He also offered to take me in for a time. He wrote with real +kindness. He had a child himself. And his wife wrote too. But I need +hardly say that I took my sore heart and my broken health straight to +Aunt Emmy.</p> + +<p>It was late in August when I arrived. The honeysuckle was still in bloom +on Aunt Emmy's white cottage, standing in its little orchard in a +clearing in the forest. She was waiting for me in the porch, and I ran +feebly to her up the narrow brick path between the tall clumps of +hollyhocks and Michaelmas daisies; and she drew me into the little +parlour and held me closely to her. And the years rolled away, and I was +a child again, and she was comforting me for my broken doll.</p> + +<p>With the egotism of youth I fear I had not given a thought to Aunt +Emmy's new home until I entered it. I knew that she was happy in it, and +that it had once been a gamekeeper's cottage, but that was about <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span>all. +Nowadays every one has a cottage—it is the fashion; and literary men +and women, tired of adulatory crowds, weary of their own greatness, flee +from the metropolis, and write exquisite articles about their gardens, +and the peace that lurks under a thatched roof, and the simple life, +lived far from shrilling crowds but near to nature, and <em>very</em> near to +the Deity. Fortunate Deity!</p> + +<p>But in the days of which I am writing cottages and their floral and +spiritual appurtenances were not the rage.</p> + +<p>I never realised until I saw Aunt Emmy in a home of her own how much +taste she possessed, or how pretty a cottage could be. It did not try to +look like a house. It was just a cottage, standing amid its apple-trees, +now red with apples, with its old well half hidden in clumps of +lavender. The little dwelling itself, with its low ceilings and long oak +beams and dim colouring and quaint furniture, had a certain austere +charm, a quiet dignity of its own. The sunny air came softly in through +wide-open latticed windows, bringing with it the scent of mignonette. +There had never been a breath of air in the house in Pembridge Square. +<em>Ole Scorpio</em>, that friend of my youth, looked peaceful and <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span>complacent +in a little recess in which his soft colouring and perfect figure showed +to great advantage against a white-washed wall in shadow.</p> + +<p>Aunt Emmy herself, in a gown of some dull white material, with a little +grey in her rippling, parted hair, seemed at home for the first time in +her life. She looked a shade older, a shade thinner in the face, her +sweet eyes a little sunk inwards. But her tall figure had retained all +its old soft dignity and beauty of line. Looking at her as she poured +out my tea for me, I suddenly felt years older than she.</p> + +<p>This bewildering impression deepened as the days went on, and a +protecting, wondering compassion became part of my affection for her.</p> + +<p>During the years I had spent in India I had seen a good deal of both +sides of that motley, amazing fabric which we call life. I had felt the +throbbing of its great loom. I had touched with my own shrinking hand +the closeness of the texture, had marked the interweaving of the alien +strands, had marvelled and been dismayed, had marvelled and been awed, +had seen the dye of my own blood on one dim thread, the gold of <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span>my own +joy on another. The sheltered life had not been mine.</p> + +<p>But Aunt Emmy had not moved mentally by a hair's-breadth. All her +expansion, if expansion it could be called, had taken form in her house +and garden. I had not been a week under her roof before I found that Mr. +Kingston occupied exactly the same position in her life as he had done +in Pembridge Square. She had brought down her romance to adorn her new +home just as she had brought down <em>Ole Scorpio</em>, in cotton wool. Each +had their niche. Perhaps it was unreasonable in me to expect to find her +different. I had not expected it. But I had become such a totally +different person myself that her attitude to life, which had appeared to +me so romantic and natural when I was eighteen, now appeared +irremediably pathetic, visionary, out of touch with reality. Perhaps, +however, it was I who had become disillusioned and matter-of-fact. I saw +with a kind of pitying wonder that her youthful romance still supplied +to her, as it had done since she was nineteen, a certain atmosphere of +pensive, prayerful resignation, a background for ethereal day-dreams. +Her peaceful days were passed in <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span>a kind of picturesque haze, like the +mist that, seeming in itself a rosy light, sometimes veils a tranquil +September sunset.</p> + +<p>She was evidently very happy, but it was equally evident that she did +not know it. From words she let drop now and then I saw that she still +imagined she was bearing the heavy cross of her mutilated youth. But to +me it seemed as if some tender hand had lifted it from her shoulder.</p> + +<p>"Aunt Emmy," I said, yielding to an ignoble curiosity in the second week +of my visit, as we were picking the lavender together, "when Uncle +Thomas died, I had thought I should hear of your marrying Mr. Kingston."</p> + +<p>"I also hoped it, my dear," said Aunt Emmy, snipping the lavender into a +little basket, held in a loose white-gloved hand.</p> + +<p>I dared not look at her.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Kingston has not written," she said after a moment.</p> + +<p>"But did you write and tell him you were free, and still in the same +mind?"</p> + +<p>"I did not. I thought it might be awkward for him in case he were—after +all these years—contemplating some other possibility. I did not want to +embarrass him. But your <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span>Uncle Thomas's death was in all the papers, and +many of his relations are acquainted with us. I have no doubt the news +reached him."</p> + +<p>Of course it had. I had felt that it was hardly to be expected that Mr. +Kingston should have kept after twenty years, more than twenty years, +the same vivid memory of his early love that she had done. His silence +proved that he had not done so. I looked at Aunt Emmy. How pretty and +graceful and remote she looked, and how young her face was under the +shadow of her charming garden hat, tied with a soft black ribbon under +her chin. As long as she was not confronted with any one really young, +she had no look of age. It was difficult to believe that she was +forty-four. And he must be forty-six. It was too late. Middle-aged +marriages are risky affairs enough, when the Rubicon of forty is within +sight. But when it has been passed——!</p> + +<p>As I looked at her I hoped with all my heart that he would not come back +to disturb her peace of mind and dislocate her life afresh.</p> + +<p>But, astonishing to say, he did come back; and there was some adequate +reason, I have <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span>forgotten exactly what, for his not coming earlier. At +any rate, it was adequate.</p> + +<p>When I came down to breakfast a few days later, Aunt Emmy held a letter +towards me with a shaking hand. Her lips trembled. She could not +articulate.</p> + +<p>"Am I really to read it?"</p> + +<p>She nodded.</p> + +<p>It was a charming letter, written in a delicate, refined hand. Mr. +Kingston had not heard of her father's death till the day before he +wrote. He had been away up-country for a year, broken shoulder, etc. He +was starting for England at once. He should travel almost as quickly as +his letter. He should present himself at Pembridge Square and learn her +address directly he landed. His ship was the <em>Sultana</em>.</p> + +<p>I took up the morning paper.</p> + +<p>"The <em>Sultana</em> arrived yesterday," I said.</p> + +<p>I looked at the envelope. It was directed on from Pembridge Square.</p> + +<p>"Tom will give him my address," said Aunt Emmy faintly. "I wonder how he +knows I am not living there now. <em>He will—arrive here—to-day.</em>"</p> + +<p>She looked straight in front of her through the open windows to the +hollyhocks basking <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span>in the still September sunshine. A radiance lit up +her face, like that which perhaps shone on Christian's when at last +across the river he saw the pearl gates of the New Jerusalem.</p> + +<p>"At last!" she said. "After all these years! After all these dreadful, +dreadful years!"</p> + +<p>An unbearable pain went through me. It was not new to me. I had known it +once before, when I had seen my child sicken. Why did it return now?</p> + +<p>The radiance passed. A pitiful trembling shook her like a leaf. Her eyes +turned helplessly to mine, frightened and dimmed.</p> + +<p>"I forgot I am an old woman," she said.</p> + +<p>I kissed her hand. I told her that she was handsomer than any one. She +was very dignified and gentle.</p> + +<p>"You are very kind to me, my dear, and it is sweet of you to feel as you +do. I believe, as you say, that I am still nice-looking. But the fact +remains that it is nearly twenty-five years since we have seen each +other. I was nineteen then. And oh! I suppose I ought not to say it, but +I <em>was</em> pretty. People turned to look at me in the street. And now I am +forty-four."</p> + +<p>"But he is older than you, isn't he?"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span>"Two years. What is two years! We were the same age when we were young. +But a man of forty-six is younger than a woman of forty-four."</p> + +<p>I was silent. There was no contradicting that obvious fact.</p> + +<p>"He will probably come by the 4.12 train," said Aunt Emmy, rising. "If +you don't mind, as there are so many preparations to make, I will leave +you to finish your breakfast. I have had mine."</p> + +<p>She left the room, and I stared at her empty plate. I was not hungry +either. I was frightened for my dear Aunt Emmy.</p> + +<p>And yet, she was so yielding, so selfless, so absolutely uncritical, +that if any woman could marry late she was the woman. She could have +lived with a monster of egotism without finding it out. Had she not +devoted herself to two such monsters most of her life? And perhaps Mr. +Kingston was not a monster. Aunt Emmy arranged the flowers early as she +only could arrange them. I was only allowed to fetch the water and clean +the glasses. A certain pony-cart was sent to Muddington with the cook in +it to buy a tongue, and a Stilton cheese, and a little barrel of +anchovies, and various other <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span>condiments which Uncle Tom approved. Uncle +Tom's tastes represented those of his whole sex for Aunt Emmy.</p> + +<p>I insisted on her eating some luncheon, but this was barely possible, as +in the midst of it a telegram was brought in from Mr. Kingston to say he +should arrive by the 4.12 train.</p> + +<p>After luncheon Aunt Emmy went to her room. I followed her there half an +hour later to give her a note, and found her standing in the middle of +the floor, looking at all her gowns laid out on chairs.</p> + +<p>"I am afraid you can only think me very silly, my dear," she said, with +a sort of humble dignity. "I wished to consult you, but I did not like +to; but as you <em>are</em> here, and if you don't mind my asking you—a +relation can often judge best what is advantageous—which gown <em>do</em> you +think suits me best, the grey voile, or the lilac delaine, or the white +serge?"</p> + +<p>I decided on the white serge, and long before the dogcart ordered to +meet him could possibly arrive, Aunt Emmy was sitting, paler than I had +ever seen her, beside a wood fire in the parlour in the soft white gown +I loved her best in, pretending to read. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span>She had lit the fire, though +we were not in the habit of having it till later in the day, because she +thought Australians might feel chilly.</p> + +<p>"I don't know how it is," she said at last, laying down the book, "but I +seem quite blind. I can't see the print."</p> + +<p>I could not see the needle-work I was bending over either. But that was +because senseless tears kept on rising to my eyes, do what I would. Aunt +Emmy's eyes had no tears in them.</p> + +<p>"It is very petty of me, I know, but I do hope he has not grown stout," +she said presently. "But of course it is to be expected, and if it is so +I must try to bear it. It could not make any <em>real</em> difference. Your +Uncle Tom is the same age, and of course he is not—he really is <em>not</em> +as thin as he was."</p> + +<p>"Was he ever thin?"</p> + +<p>"N-no. But Mr. Kingston was, at least, not thin, but very spare and +agile-looking."</p> + +<p>At last the sound of wheels reached us. Aunt Emmy clasped the arms of +her chair convulsively.</p> + +<p>"I daresay he has not come," she said almost inaudibly.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span>The wheels stopped. I went into the tiny hall.</p> + +<p>A tall, spare, distinguished-looking man, with weather-beaten face and +peculiarly intent, hawklike eyes, was at the gate, and I went out to +greet him. As he took off his cap his crisp hair showed a little grey in +it. He was delightful to look at.</p> + +<p>I don't know what I said, but I mumbled something as I shook hands with +him, and pointed to the parlour door. He nodded gravely and went in, +hitting his tall head against the low lintel. Then he closed the door +gently. And I went to my room, and locked myself in.</p> + +<p>When I went into the parlour an hour later at tea-time I found them +sitting one on each side of the fire. I wished with all my heart that +they could have been sitting together at this moment after the marriage +of their daughter. Both had cried a little, I could see. He certainly +had. They got up when I came in, and stood together on the hearth, a +splendid-looking couple, dwarfing the white room with its low ceiling.</p> + +<p>What they must have been in youth I could well imagine.</p> + +<p>I was reintroduced to him, and I am not <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span>sure, though they were both +smiling at each other, that they were not relieved by my entrance with +the tea. He handed her her cup and waited on her with the deferential +awkwardness of a man who has not been in women's society for years.</p> + +<p>"I am a rough fellow, Emmy," he said once or twice. But he was not +rough. He was charming. He did not fit in at all with my preconceived +ideas of "Colonials." And it was quickly evident to me that his tender +admiration of Aunt Emmy still survived. I was partly reassured. Perhaps, +after all, he had brought happiness with him.</p> + +<hr class="hr5" /> + +<p>Saint Luke's summer was glorious that year, and it was nowhere more +wonderful than in the forest. One still golden day followed another, the +gossamer-threaded sunshine flooding the glades of yellowing and amber +trees, spilling itself headlong amid the rusting bracken, and losing +itself in the tiny foliage of the whortleberry, which, all its little +oval leaves, ruddy as a robin's breast, was imitating the trees, like a +miniature autumn forest underfoot.</p> + +<p>Aunt Emmy and Mr. Kingston walked daily in the marvel of the forest, and +it <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span>seemed as if the autumn sun shone kindly on them. Sometimes on her +return there was a bewildered look in her face which I did not +understand, and I wondered whether indeed all was well; but I put the +thought away, for his love for her was beyond the possibility of doubt, +and had not her love for him coloured her whole life?</p> + +<p>And yet—</p> + +<p>Once I saw him take up <em>Ole Scorpio</em> with a careful hand, and then +replace it in its recess with its spout pointing towards the room. +Presently, when he had gone, she gently moved it back to its former +position, exactly <em>en profile</em>, and the senseless idea darted through my +mind as I watched her do it that if her romance were moved from its +niche, she would instinctively wish to do the same, to readjust it to +the angle from which she had looked at it so long.</p> + +<p>As the days passed and the first shyness between them wore off, the +primitive life he had led for so many years showed itself in a certain +slowness of speech, a disinclination to make acquaintance with the +neighbours, and an increasing tendency to long, tranquil silences with a +pipe in the garden. But, wonderful to say, it had not apparently +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span>blunted him mentally. And he actually cared for books. Unfortunately, +there were almost no books in the cottage. How he had kept it I cannot +imagine, but he certainly had retained a quickness of apprehension which +made him half-unconsciously adapt himself to Aunt Emmy and her little +habits in a way that astonished me. It was she who showed herself less +perceptive as regarded him. But this she never divined. She had got it +rooted into her small, graceful head that he would naturally wish to +converse principally about his farm. And, in spite of scant +encouragement, she continually "showed an interest," as she herself +expressed it, in sheep, and water creeks, and snakes, and bush fires. He +was always perfectly good-natured, and ready to answer; but I sometimes +wondered how it was she did not realise that she asked the same +questions over and over again.</p> + +<p>"Uncle Bob does not seem to care to talk much about his farming," I +ventured one day. "Perhaps he wishes to forget it for a little while."</p> + +<p>"My dear," said Aunt Emmy rebukingly, "when you are as old as I am, you +will know that the only thing men really care <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span>to talk of <em>is</em> their +business. My dear father always talked of stocks, and shares, and—and +bonuses. He said I could not understand about them, as indeed I could +not, but it interested me very much to listen. And your Uncle Tom, as +you may remember"—I did indeed—"did the same. It is natural that Mr. +Kingston's mind should dwell on agricultural subjects."</p> + +<p>Presently wicked men began to mow the bracken with great scythes, and to +carry it away in carts which tilted and elbowed their way down the +mossy, heather-fringed tracks. Here and there the down-stretched arms of +the firs caught the topmost fronds of bracken and swept them from their +murdered brethren, and held them precariously suspended, only to drop +them when the first wind went by.</p> + +<p>I left the cottage for a week to visit my husband's relations, and when +I returned the forest was bare. An indefinable sadness seemed to brood +over it, and to have reached Aunt Emmy as well. Mr. Kingston had also +been away to visit his relations, and had returned, and was staying at +the little inn on the edge of the forest, from which he could more +readily run up daily to town <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span>to have his shoulder massaged, which still +troubled him.</p> + +<p>Aunt Emmy told me all this in her garden, where she was dividing her +white pinks. I knew she intended to make a fresh border, but the action +filled me with consternation.</p> + +<p>"But Aunt Emmy," I said (the foolish words jolted out of me by sudden +anxiety), "will you—will you be <em>here</em> next spring?"</p> + +<p>I could have struck myself the moment the words were out of my mouth.</p> + +<p>The trowel dropped from her hand.</p> + +<p>"Oh no!" she said confusedly. "Neither I shall. I was forgetting. I +shall be in Australia."</p> + +<p>She looked round the little garden which she had made with her own +hands, and back to the white cottage, up to its eyes in Michaelmas +daisies, which had become such an ideal home, and in which, poor dear! +she had taken a deeper root than she knew, and a bewildered pain passed +for a moment over her face. It was as if she had been walking in her +sleep, and had suddenly come in contact with some obstacle, and had +waked up and was not for the first moment certain of her surroundings.</p> + +<p>"He is more to me than any cottage," <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span>she said, recovering herself with +a little gasp. "I had hoped perhaps he would have come and lived here, +and let me take care of him, after all his years of hard work. But it +was a selfish idea. He has told me that he cannot leave his work or his +uncle, who has been so kind to him, and who is very infirm +now—partially paralysed, and needing the greatest care. I shall—let +the cottage."</p> + +<p>"What is the place in Australia like?" I said with duplicity, for of +course I knew by this time exactly what it was like. But I wanted to +change her thoughts.</p> + +<p>She led the way indoors, and pointed to a sheaf of unmounted +photographs. I took them up, and examined them as if for the first time. +My heart sank as I looked at the inoffensive figure of the poor old +uncle in the verandah, whom Aunt Emmy was of course to nurse. The house +which that hard-working old man had built himself stood nakedly upon a +piece of naked ground. There was not a tree near it. Beyond were the +great cattle-yards and farm buildings, and what looked like an endless, +shrubless field. And on the right was the new two-windowed room, no +longer very new, which Mr. Kingston had built seventeen years ago <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span>for +Aunt Emmy. I knew how much labour that hideous addition meant, which was +a sort of degraded cousin many times removed from the pert villa +drawing-rooms, peering over portugal laurels on the road to Muddington. +I knew that Mr. Kingston had papered and painted that room with his own +hands. I knew also, but Aunt Emmy did not, that he had repapered and +repainted it several times while it waited for her. And yet by no +wildest effort of the imagination could I picture Aunt Emmy living +there, though her heart had been there all her life.</p> + +<p>A sudden rage rose within me against the deceased Uncle Thomas, and +against this other decrepit uncle, waiting to be nursed.</p> + +<p>I laid down the photographs, and went a turn in the forest, leaving Aunt +Emmy sitting idle in her gardening gloves. My foolish words had stopped +her happy activity. I was angry with myself, with Fate, with Australia, +with everything, and not least with Mr. Kingston.</p> + +<p>Everywhere in the bare glades little orphaned families of bracken held +their arched necks a few inches from the ground. Even in their +bereavement they too had <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span>remembered that it was autumn, and their tiny +curled fronds protecting their downcast faces were golden and ruddy. As +I turned a corner I suddenly caught sight of Mr. Kingston a few paces +from me, looking earnestly at one of these little groups. I did not want +to meet him just then, and I half turned aside; but he had already seen +me, and he gave a gesture of welcome, and I had to stop.</p> + +<p>My anger subsided somewhat as he came up. He looked harassed, and as if +he had not slept.</p> + +<p>"And so you are back," he said. "I was just wishing that you were at the +moment I caught sight of you. If you think it possible that a word or +two could be dragged out of such a silent enigmatical person as +yourself, I should like to have a little talk with you."</p> + +<p>I could not help liking him. His keen eyes were kindly, though his face +was grave.</p> + +<p>"What do you want to talk about?" I said bluntly.</p> + +<p>"What an unnecessary question. What can I want to talk about except +Emmy?"</p> + +<p>I was silent. I felt more uncomfortable about the whole affair than I +had done yet, and that was saying a good deal.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span>Mr. Kingston led the way down a little track to a place where the trees +grew so close together that the murderous scythes had not been able to +get in among them. Here the bracken had been unmolested, and was going +unharassed through all its most gorgeous pageant. Great fronds of ivory +white, of palest gold, of brownest gold, of reddest gold upreared +themselves among the purple waves of the heather, wearing the stray +flecks of the sunshine like jewels on their breasts. We sat down on a +fallen tree round which the bracken had wrapped its splendour.</p> + +<p>"How extraordinarily beautiful it is!" he said, more to himself than to +me, putting out his long, artistic hand, gnarled and hardened with work, +and touching a pale frond with a reverent finger. "I am glad to have +seen it once more. It is twenty-five years since I have seen an English +autumn."</p> + +<p>There was a moment's silence, and then he went on without any change of +tone:</p> + +<p>"And you are thinking, you sad-faced, downright little woman who are so +afraid that I am going to make your dear Aunt Emmy unhappy, you are +thinking that you did not take a precarious seat on this trunk in <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span>order +to hear a possible enemy descant on the beauties of nature."</p> + +<p>I was astonished at his penetration. My own experience, gleaned entirely +from the genial little egotist whose wife I was, had taught me that men +never noticed anything. I had had no idea that I had shown the fear of +him which I felt.</p> + +<p>"And yet you are my only possible ally," he went on, "my only helper, if +you are willing to help me, in the somewhat difficult task which I have +in hand."</p> + +<p>"You mean, marrying my aunt?," I said.</p> + +<p>"No," he said, looking at me with a kindness which made me ready to sink +into the ground with shame. "I can do <em>that</em> without assistance. Emmy, +God bless her! has been ready to marry me any time these twenty-five +years, and, poor soul, she is ready now. She has not the faintest idea +what she would be in for if she did, but she is ready to risk it."</p> + +<p>I was silent. I was bewildered for one thing, and I did not want "to put +my foot in it" again immediately for another. And there was really no +need for me to speak, for he went on slowly, looking full at me:</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span>"What I have to do, if I can, is to save Emmy's romance for her."</p> + +<p>I could only stare at him.</p> + +<p>"For twenty-five years," he went on, "that dear woman has lived on her +love for me. It has coloured her whole life. I know what I know. It has +been her support in all the endless years she nursed that cruel old +egoist her father, who would not let her marry me, when we <em>could</em> have +married, seventeen years ago. But it is not <em>me</em> that she wants now, +though she did want me for many years; it is the thought of me—if you +can't understand without my saying it, I can't make you—it's her +romance which is important to her, and which I want her to keep, at all +costs."</p> + +<p>"My darling Emmy," he said, and there were tears in his hawk eyes, "the +most unselfish and devoted, the sweetest, the humblest, and the most +beautiful creature I have ever known. And she has given up everything +out of constancy to me, home, children, everything; no, not for me +exactly, but for a dream, for an ideal, for something of which I was to +her the symbol, but which I no more resemble than I resemble that frond +of bracken."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span>He turned his face away.</p> + +<p>"It would have been all right if they would have let us marry when we +were both still young, and I had got a home together," he went on; "but +now it would be inhuman to root her out of her little home and drag her +across the world, and try to transplant her into my rough place. How +rough it is I see, now that I have been back in England. I did not know +it was so uncouth when I lived in it. It's the only life I'm accustomed +to, the only life I'm fit for now, though it was sorely against the +grain at first. I don't think I could have stuck to it, except for the +hope of marrying her some day. But I see now the only life I'm fit for +is not fit for her. And I can't give it up. I can't desert my poor old +uncle, who is growing infirm and depends on me entirely."</p> + +<p>"Why did you come back?" I groaned.</p> + +<p>"I came back," he said, "because I have cared for her and worked for her +all my life. And because I heard that her beast of a father had left her +almost penniless, and that fat Tom had married and turned her out. And +until I saw her again from day to day I did not realise the nature of +her feeling for me. I came back to offer her what I had, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span>not that it +was much, hoping to marry her and take her back with me.... But that is +not what would make my Emmy happy <em>now</em>. What she needs is to go on in +this perfect little doll's house, this little haven, thinking of me, and +praying for me, and tending her flowers, and mourning like a dove in its +tree because we are parted."</p> + +<p>It was exactly what Aunt Emmy needed. I could not have put it into +words, but this strange man had done so.</p> + +<p>"You will not speak," he said, "but you agree with me for all that. I +had to make sure you agreed. Your confirmation is all I wanted, and now +I have it."</p> + +<p>It was not that I would not speak. I could not speak. I was thinking of +the room in that horrid wooden house which he had built for her.</p> + +<p>After a few minutes he went on quietly:</p> + +<p>"I think the thing for me to do is to be ruined, only partially, of +course, not enough to make her miserable, and to hurry back to Australia +without her at once for the time being, and from there to write +regularly by every mail, nice letters (they cannot be forbidden now); +but never to come back any <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span>more. A bank has just failed in Australia in +which I had money. The situation can be arranged."</p> + +<p>I looked away from him.</p> + +<p>"I owe it to her," he said.</p> + + +<hr /> + + +<h2><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span> +<a name="study" id="study"></a><big>The Understudy</big></h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The only form of human love that atrophies the heart is the love +of self.</span></div> +</div> + +<p class="noi"><span class="smcap">Marion Wright</span> sat in the centre seat of the third row of the stalls, +shivering in spite of her sables. It was the dress rehearsal of her +first play, that play on which she had spent herself to the verge of +mental bankruptcy.</p> + +<p>The nauseating presentiment of failure, the distaste and scorn of her +own work, were upon her, which the artist never escapes, which return as +acutely after twenty successes as in the hours of suspense before the +first essay. Marion's surroundings were not of a nature to reassure her. +To her unaccustomed eyes the empty, dimly lit theatre, swathed and +bandaged in dust-sheets, looked ominously dreary. Had any one ever +laughed in this shrouded desert? The long lines of <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span>stalls huddled under +their wrinkled coverings stretched before and behind her. The boxes were +shapeless holes of pallid grime. It was as if a London fog had trailed +its dingy veil over everything. There was a fog outside as well, and the +few electric lights which had been turned up peered blurred and yellow. +An immense ladder, three ladders tied together, reared itself from the +stalls to the roof. Something was being done to the lights on the +ceiling. Tired-looking men in overcoats were creeping into the +orchestra, thrusting white faces under screened lights, and rustling +papers on stands.</p> + +<p>Marion had the theatre to herself except for a few whisperers in the +back row of the stalls—her maid, an attendant, one or two actors of +minor parts who did not appear in the first act, and a few costumiers.</p> + +<p>It was fiercely cold, and she had not slept for several nights. She +wished she had never been born.</p> + +<p>A magnificent-looking woman, wearing her chin tilted slightly upwards, +was squeezing herself and an immense fur coat towards her along the +stalls, and sat down beside her. This was Lenore, the leading lady.</p> + +<p>She turned a colourless, beautifully shaped <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span>face and heavy eyes with +bistred lashes towards Marion.</p> + +<p>"I suppose we shall have to wait about two hours for Mr. Montgomery," +she said apathetically.</p> + +<p>"Does he always keep people waiting?"</p> + +<p>"Always, since he made his great hit in <em>The Deodars</em>."</p> + +<p>There was a moment's silence.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Montgomery does not like his part," said the leading lady +tentatively, hanging a hand in an interminable white glove over the back +of the stall in front of her.</p> + +<p>Marion's face hardened.</p> + +<p>"It's not a sympathetic part," she said, "but an artist ought not to +think of that."</p> + +<p>"No, it's not sympathetic," acquiesced Lenore, turning up her fur +collar. "It seems as if the principal man's part never <em>is</em> sympathetic +in a woman's play. If the central figure is a woman, the men grouped +round her are generally prize specimens of worms. I wonder why. In your +play, now, Maggie's everything! George does not count for much, as far +as I can see. Even Maggie had not much use for him."</p> + +<p>"She loved him," said the author, with asperity.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span>"Did she? Sometimes when I'm playing Maggie to Montgomery's George I +wonder if she did. And I just wonder now and then if I would have thrown +him over as she did. I mean for good and all. It seems to me—if she'd +cared for him, cared <em>really</em>, you know——"</p> + +<p>"She did," interposed Marion harshly.</p> + +<p>"Wouldn't she have quarrelled and made it up again? Would she have been +quite so hard on him?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, she would. Think, just think what she must have suffered in the +third act, the scene at the Savoy, when, loving him as she did, trusting +him as she did, she saw him come in with——"</p> + +<p>"Well, I expect you know best," said Lenore, whose interest seemed to +flag suddenly; "anyhow, she suffered, poor thing. Women like her always +do, I think." She rose slowly. "I may as well go and dress. I suppose we +shall be here till midnight."</p> + +<p>The orchestra struck up.</p> + +<p>"Anyhow, she suffered."</p> + +<p>The violins caught up the words and dinned them over and over again into +Marion's ears. Women like Maggie, women <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span>with deep hearts like +herself—for was not Maggie herself?—they always suffered, always +suffered, always!—said the violins.</p> + +<p>The manager suddenly appeared in front of the curtain and walked swiftly +over the little bridge from the stage to the stalls. He was a small, +sturdy, thin-lipped, choleric man, who looked as if he were made up of +energy; energy distilled and bottled. Some one had said of him that his +hat was really a glass stopper, which might fly off at any moment.</p> + +<p>It was off now. There had evidently been an explosion. He held a note in +his hand.</p> + +<p>"Montgomery has given up the part," he said. "He was odd at rehearsal +yesterday. I felt there was something wrong. He said he had no show. Now +he says he's too ill to come—bronchitis."</p> + +<p>The sense of disaster which had been hanging over Marion all day slipped +and engulfed her like an avalanche. She felt paralysed.</p> + +<p>"Then the play can't go on?" she said.</p> + +<p>"If it had to happen, better to-night than to-morrow night," said the +manager. "Montgomery is as slippery as an eel. I <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[161]</a></span>don't suppose he has +got bronchitis; but I have no doubt if I rushed over there at this +moment, I should find him in bed with a steam-kettle. He would play the +part."</p> + +<p>"What will you do?" gasped Marion.</p> + +<p>"Do?" he said. "Do? There's only one thing to do. Go through with the +play! It will start in two minutes, and we shall see what the understudy +can make of it. He's as clever as he can stick, and he's word perfect, +at any rate."</p> + +<p>"Who is he?"</p> + +<p>"A Mr. Delacour; at least, that's his stage name. He's been in America +for the last five years. Clever enough, but a rolling stone. He's not to +be depended on, poor devil; but it's Hobson's choice—we've got to +depend on him."</p> + +<p>The manager sat down beside her and clapped his hands.</p> + +<p>The lights suddenly burned up behind the curtain, the curtain rose and +the play began.</p> + +<p>Some plays, some books, some men and women, possess a mysterious force +which, for lack of a better word, we call vitality. Those who possess it +not call it by all <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[162]</a></span>manner of ugly names. But, nevertheless, it is the +great gift, the power that overcomes, which makes life on a large scale +possible, which makes the soldier, the lover, the saint, possible. Most +of us are only half alive. Our work is half dead. We deal in creep-mouse +sentiment, and call it love. We write pathetically of our impotence to +live, and call it resignation. We who have never been young, compare +notes with each other on how to remain senile, and call it the art of +growing old.</p> + +<p>But others go through life, and spend themselves on it, piece by piece, +with ardour as they go. These are the teachers—only they never teach. +They know. If we want to learn anything, we can watch them. And some of +us, again—and this is the hardest fate of all—come into life +inadequately equipped, not provisioned for a prolonged journey. What +little we have, and what little there is of us, we expend on the first +part of life, and having nothing left for middle age.</p> + +<p>Such a woman was Marion. She had talent, and she had, besides—as the +manager beside her had divined—one live play in her. But he doubted +whether she had more <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[163]</a></span>than one. She looked insolvent, a dweller in the +past, crippled by an acute memory. No doubt it was this self-regarding +memory which had resulted in the play. It was obviously a personal +experience, and as she was rich enough to share the risk of producing +it, he was more than ready to put it on. It was full of faults; it was +melodramatic, it was amateurish, but it was passionately alive. The pit +and the gallery would love it; and if the stalls found it a little +cheap, what of that? He had considerable <em>flair</em>. He believed it would +succeed.</p> + +<p>He glanced once or twice furtively at the handsome, unhappy-looking, +richly furred woman beside him—no longer young, "past youth, but not +past passion," with much of the charm of youth lingering in her graceful +erectness, her pretty hair, her delicate pallor.</p> + +<p>She had told him feverishly that the only thing she cared for—had ever +cared for—was art, success, fame. He had heard something like it often +before.</p> + +<p>He wished, with a half-sigh, that a little of that uneasy, egotistic +ambition might have been instilled into the heart of Lenore, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[164]</a></span>for whom +he had a compassionate, bottled-up attachment of many years' standing.</p> + +<p>Poor Lenore! What an actress, and what a hopelessly womanly woman, still +mourning the providential demise of an impossible brother who had lived +on her.</p> + +<p>She was on the stage now, looking about seventeen, all youth and garden +hat and white muslin.</p> + +<p>Marion's face twitched. She was living her own youth over again.</p> + +<p>There was a pause. Lenore picked a rose to gain time, and looked into +the wings.</p> + +<p>"Delacour!" roared the manager, bouncing up in his stall and then +sitting down again.</p> + +<p>"We cut it here," said Lenore, advancing to the footlights, "and he +doesn't know. It is not his fault. He's waiting for his cue. See, Mr. +Delacour! Leave out that bit about the daisies, and come on at +'happiness.'"</p> + +<p>The understudy came on, and Marion's heart thrust suddenly at her like a +rapier, and left her for dead, staring in front of her.</p> + +<p>This was no understudy. This was the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[165]</a></span>original George of the drama when +it was first acted. Marion saw the lover of her youth come on and kiss +Lenore's hand, with the same gesture with which he had once kissed +hers—in the sunshine, in a Kentish garden, beside a lavender bush, with +a bumble bee in it, ten endless years ago.</p> + +<p>He was hardly changed—a little thinner, perhaps, but not a day older in +his paint; the same reckless, debonair creature whom Marion had loved, +who had wounded her and grieved her, whom she had discarded at last with +bitter anger, whom she had never forgotten, whom she remembered with +anguish.</p> + +<p>The curtain was down before she recovered herself, and the conductor was +waving his baton.</p> + +<p>The manager turned to her with some excitement.</p> + +<p>"If only he can keep it up!" he said. "Delacour puts life into the +love-making. He makes love well, don't you think?"</p> + +<p>"Admirably."</p> + +<p>"If only he can keep it up!" repeated the manager.</p> + +<p>Through the two acts which followed, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[166]</a></span>the understudy kept it up. He did +more. He acted with an intensity that made the rest of the play somewhat +colourless. At the end of the scene at the Savoy, just before the +curtain fell, he added a sentence of his own.</p> + +<p>In a second, before she knew what she had done, Marion had sprung to her +feet, and had said in a harsh, loud voice:</p> + +<p>"That last sentence is not in the part."</p> + +<p>The play stopped. The hurrying waiters with dishes stood stock still and +gaped, as astonished as if the interruption had been in real life. Some +of the supers at the little tables in the background got up to see what +was happening.</p> + +<p>Delacour, wineglass in hand, came forward to the footlights, and their +eyes met.</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon," he said. "You say it is not in the part. I thought +it was. I will omit it in future."</p> + +<p>"You will do no such thing!" bawled the manager, leaping to his feet and +shaking his fist at him. "Omit it! Why, Miss Wright, it's an +inspiration. Gets him the whole sympathy just at the critical moment. +And what a curtain! Good God! What a curtain!"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[167]</a></span>"Isn't it?" said Lenore. "Leave out my bit at the end altogether, and +make <em>that</em> the curtain. Don't you agree, Miss Wright? And, look here, +Mr. Delacour, take the front centre here."</p> + +<p>"Start again at 'falsehood,'" said the manager briskly to Lenore. "Now, +then, everybody. Sit down at the back there. Now——"</p> + +<p>The play started again. Marion, astonished at her own violence, ashamed, +shattered by conflicting emotions, speechless, could only bow her +approval of the change, not that the manager cared a pin whether she +approved or not.</p> + +<p><em>Was Delacour acting?</em> Marion knew that he was not. And as the play +proceeded it changed in character. The words were the words she had +written. Many of them were the words he had used himself, but his +passion transformed them. They took on a new meaning. It was Maggie who +was becoming a mean figure in spite of her grandiloquence—perhaps +because of it. Her rigid principles, her petty, egotistic pride, her +faultless demeanour jarred on the audience. Lenore, like a true artist, +caught the novel side of the situation and emphasised <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[168]</a></span>it. Her Maggie +dwindled, dwindled, until the man held the stage alone, dominated it. +Marion had never before seen his side of the miserable drama in which +her happiness had made shipwreck, had never before seen her own +character in this light. It was as if he were saying the truth at last, +defending himself at last—which he had never done in real life.</p> + +<p>Finally repulsed, silent under her scornful invective, Delacour gathered +himself together and went off magnificent in defeat.</p> + +<p>The curtain fell for the last time.</p> + +<p>The tiny audience, strengthened by the rest of the cast who were not +needed in the final scene, broke into rapturous applause. The manager, +excited and radiant, clapped with the rest.</p> + +<p>"He's immense. He's immense!" he kept on saying. "Delacour's the making +of it. He's immense! Hang Montgomery! He may have bronchitis till he's +blue. Delacour makes the play. I will fetch him!"</p> + +<p>He disappeared behind the curtain, and in a few minutes reappeared, +dragging Delacour with him to introduce him to Marion.</p> + +<p>"We have met before," she said faintly, putting out her hand.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[169]</a></span>"Did we ever really meet?" he said gently, taking it for a second in +his.</p> + +<p>He seemed quite exhausted. Now that she saw him close at hand, he looked +much older. And his face was grievously lined, deteriorated.</p> + +<p>She tried to thank him, to express her gratitude for the way he had +extricated them from a great difficulty; but her words were so +hesitating and frigid that the manager broke in, shaking him warmly by +the hand.</p> + +<p>Delacour bowed his thanks, murmured something conventional, and was +gone.</p> + +<p>Every one was in a hurry to go, too. Marion remained a moment longer +talking to the manager, and then they went together through the royal +box to the private entrance, where her brougham was waiting. Just as +they reached it, he was called away, and an attendant let her out.</p> + +<p>Waiting beside her brougham, in the rain, holding the door for her, was +Delacour, in a shabby overcoat, his hat in his hand.</p> + +<p>Again their eyes met in a long look. His, sombre, melancholy, humble, +had a great appeal in them.</p> + +<p>She seemed encased in some steel armour, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[170]</a></span>which made movement and speech +wellnigh impossible. She thanked him inaudibly.</p> + +<p>He shut the door, said "Home" to the coachman, and turned away.</p> + +<p>The carriage drove off.</p> + +<p>Then something in Marion snapped. Her other self, the poor woman in her +whom she had denied and starved and brow-beaten, pounced upon her and +called out suddenly, desperately:</p> + +<p>"Forgive him. What is life without him? Think of the last ten years. Has +there been one day in all those grinding years when you have not longed +to see him? Has there ever been one day when you would not have given up +your ease and luxury for a cottage with him? And now he has come back +into your life. He still loves you. Are you going to lose him again? You +were vindictive, and you know it. Go back now and kneel down in the wet +street and ask him to forgive you. Quick! quick!—before it is too +late."</p> + +<p>The other woman in her, the woman who had discarded him, stopped her +ears.</p> + +<p>"No, no; I had good reasons for breaking with him. They hold as good +to-day as ten years ago."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[171]</a></span>"Very well," said the other scornfully. "Then never dare to tell +yourself again that you ever loved him. Let that lie cease. Your love +was only pretty words and pride and self-seeking, and a miserable streak +of passion. What do you care what happens to him? Don't go back. You +don't care for him. You never cared. Never, never. And he knows it. He +is telling himself so now—at this moment."</p> + +<p>She stopped the brougham. She trembled so much that she could hardly +tell the man to drive back to the theatre. He turned slowly, the horse +evidently reluctant, and in a few minutes she was once more at the +private entrance. The door was closed. No one was to be seen in the +little <em>cul de sac</em>. The lamp over the door was out. She got out and +rang—once, twice, and yet again. Then she realised that every one else +had hurried away as precipitately as she had done, for the dawn was +already in the sky. She dragged herself back into her carriage and drove +home, shaking in every limb.</p> + +<p>After all, it did not matter. She would get his address from the manager +first thing to-morrow, and go straight on and see him, and sacrifice her +pride, and beseech him to <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[172]</a></span>take her back. She had been too proud. She +saw that at last. She would say so. She saw at last that resentment is +disloyalty. She would say so. She was so sick of her present life that +she would say anything. And he loved her still, thank God! And—thank +God, too—she was rich. And it was obvious that he was poor. She had +much to share with him. And she was still attractive. Other men still +wished to marry her. She was pretty, still. All that she had, all that +she still was, she would give him. And this long nightmare of the last +ten years would pass at last, as that other nightmare of her youth had +passed—her wretched home, with a drunken father and a heartbroken +mother. That had passed, though at the time it had seemed as if it would +endure for ever. Her parents had died, and her vulgar, kindly, rich aunt +had adopted her. And now this second nightmare was at an end, too. The +ache would go out of her life, the long daily hunger and thirst would +cease. There would be no more dreadful homecomings after evenings of +amusement; no more sick recoil and despair at waking and seeing the pale +finger of the dawn upon the blind. She would be happy at last.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[173]</a></span>Marion cried herself to sleep that night. Next morning, as early as she +dared, she was at the theatre. The manager was going through his usual +paroxysm of anxiety and ill-temper which preceded a first night. He +could hardly find time for a word with her. There was a hitch in the +scenery of the last act; the lighting was not yet repaired; one of the +actors of the minor parts was ill, for whom an understudy had not been +provided; and the head scene-shifter had sprained his wrist.</p> + +<p>"I won't keep you," said Marion, as he hurried up, fuming; "I only want +Mr. Delacour's address. I should like to see him at once—to—to talk to +him about his part. There are a few points——"</p> + +<p>"Delacour's address?" said the manager. "Don't know it. Oh, yes, of +course!" He tore a little notebook out of his pocket. Then he suddenly +looked up at her. "Don't go to him. Send for him, if you like, or see +him here. He'll be here in an hour—at least, he will be if Smith is +worth his salt. I've bribed him to keep a lynx eye on him day and night, +and bring him up to time. But don't go and see him. I suppose you know +he——"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[174]</a></span>"He's married?" gasped Marion.</p> + +<p>The manager laughed scornfully.</p> + +<p>"He <em>drinks</em>, my dear lady. He drinks. He's only just out of an +inebriates' home. But don't alarm yourself. If he's watched, I dare say +we shall manage all right. I hope to goodness we shall! Don't look so +scared. Smith has charge of him, and he is accustomed to the job. He was +quite sober last night. I hear he always is after an outbreak. You're +going home? Well, I think you're right. Yes, very cold here now. Quite +right not to stop. See you again later."</p> + +<p>Marion drove home and shut herself up in her room. There was no need to +lock the door. She was alone in the world, alone in her handsome, empty +house, where she had always been alone, even before her aunt died and +left it to her.... She would always be alone now. Only yesterday she had +hoped—what had she not hoped! She had seen him there in imagination +changing this weary house into a home, brilliant and faulty as ever, +lovable as ever, beloved as ever, surrounded by her lavished adoration. +She had seen their children running along its wide passages, playing in +its empty hall.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[175]</a></span>And now.</p> + +<p><em>He drank.</em></p> + +<p>She shuddered. She had seen drink once. She knew. Never while she lived +would she forget what her home had been like. The past crowded back upon +her with all its vileness and nausea, all its unspeakable degradation +and violence, wrapped up with maudlin sentiment and cheap tears. The +sweat stood on her forehead.</p> + +<p>What an escape she had had! To think that if it had not been for that +chance word of the manager's she would by now have pledged herself +irrevocably to a drunkard, waded back into the slough from which she had +emerged. Oh, what a merciful fate it had been, after all, which had +parted them! How faithless she had been all these years! How little she +had realised how the divine love and wisdom had watched over her, had +shielded her!</p> + +<p>"Oh! thank God! Thank God!" she groaned. The other self in her, the poor +dying woman in her, arose on her deathbed and screamed to her, screamed +insane things. If a certain voice is too long ignored, its dictates seem +at last insane.</p> + +<p>"Take him back all the same!" gasped <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[176]</a></span>the dying voice. "Marry him. +Devote yourself to him, day and night. Cure him. Set him up. You love +him. Love can do it, if anything can."</p> + +<p>"I can't do it," groaned Marion. "Mother tried, but it was no good."</p> + +<p>"Then do as she did, try and fail."</p> + +<p>"I can't. He would break my heart."</p> + +<p>"Let him break it."</p> + +<p>Marion strangled the terrible, urgent voice with fury, and then cried as +if her heart would indeed break. The silenced voice spoke no more.</p> + +<hr class="hr3" /> + +<p>The play was a great success. Delacour, who had recently returned from +America, was the making of it. Lenore was the first to acknowledge it, +though his success was at her expense. Her part seemed only as a foil to +the sombre splendour of his.</p> + +<p>The play ran and ran.</p> + +<p>Delacour made no further effort to speak to Marion. He avoided her +systematically. He, on his side, was watched, was spied on, was +protected from himself, was never given a chance of yielding to +temptation. His self-imposed gaoler loved him. He was very lovable. The +manager was enthusiastic. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[177]</a></span>Ignorant people said he was reformed. It +almost seemed as if he might grasp the great position to which his +talent entitled him. But how often before he had fallen just when he was +doing well! No one could depend on him. His record in America gradually +became known. It was a record of hideous outbreaks and cancelled +engagements.</p> + +<p>By dint of the strenuous will of others, to which he yielded himself, he +was kept on his feet through the whole run of the play.</p> + +<p>And then, released from surveillance, exhausted in mind and body—he +fell again.</p> + +<p>He blazed like a comet across the theatrical world, and then set as +suddenly as he had risen.</p> + +<p>Marion heard of it and shuddered. She had had a narrow escape.</p> + +<hr class="hr3" /> + +<p>She never wrote another play—at least, she never wrote another that +pleased a manager. She said she had not time. In spite of her success, +she felt a distaste for things theatrical. And perhaps she found that +success is not as warm a garment for a shivering life as she had +expected. There is a little fleecy wrap called affection, within <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[178]</a></span>the +reach of all of us, which she might have donned. But, as she often said, +there was, unfortunately, no one for whom she had much affection. She +was alone in the world. Her interest in the theatre was gradually +replaced by religion. Once she heard with real regret that Lenore had +lost her memory, and chloral was hinted at as the cause. She thought of +trying to save her, of making an earnest appeal to that better self +which, according to Marion, exists in all of us. But when she made +further inquiries about her, with a view to rescuing her, she was +daunted by the discovery that Lenore had been privately married to +Delacour for some time past, and that her declension, which was really +due to drink, dated from the time of the marriage.</p> + +<p>A year passed. Delacour began to make fitful reappearances, then more +frequent ones. He took and kept regular engagements. But his wife +returned no more.</p> + +<p>Presently Marion's own play was revived with success. It was one of +Delacour's greatest parts. And Marion went to see it, hidden behind the +curtains of her box.</p> + +<p>The years since she had last sat in that box had not dealt kindly with +her. Her <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[179]</a></span>discontented face showed that she was one of the many victims +of arrested development, still hampered in middle age by the egotistic +longings of youth. In youth we all want to receive instead of to give, +to be loved, to be served, to be admired. Middle age is the time to +reverse engines, the time to love, to serve, to give rather than to +receive. Marion had not learned that elementary lesson of life. We all +recognise them at sight, the nervous, fretful faces of the middle-aged +men and women who want to be loved. And love knows them, too, and—flies +them.</p> + +<p>The manager, somewhat pinched and grizzled, as from a long fast, came in +to see her between the acts, and growled out his disapproval of his +leading lady.</p> + +<p>"She's nothing to Lenore," he said.</p> + +<p>"Is she too"—Marion sought for a charitable word—"too ill to act?"</p> + +<p>"She is too ill to act," said the manager. "She will never act any more. +She is dying."</p> + +<p>There was a silence.</p> + +<p>"She is dying of drink," he said; "and if there is such a place as +heaven, she is very near it. And if there is such a person <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[180]</a></span>as God, I +hope she will say a word for me when she gets there."</p> + +<p>Marion did not speak. She was horrified.</p> + +<p>"She would marry Delacour," said the manager. "I begged her to marry me. +Over and over again I asked her. But she said I could do without her, +and Delacour couldn't. They fell in love with each other at this very +play when it was first put on. I saw it coming, and it spelt disaster +for her. But it was the real thing; and when the real thing comes, we +all have to knock under to it. It doesn't come often. Most of us are +quite incapable of it. I have only seen it once or twice. I dare say I +have never felt it, though I should have liked to take care of Lenore, +and not let her work so hard, and make a garden for her. She loves +flowers and running water. I made the garden just on the chance, but she +has never seen it. Down in Sussex it is, with a little old-world cottage +in it. It is a pretty place. Pergola; small cascade with rustic bridge; +fishpond, with green-tiled floor to show up the gold-fish. And a rose +garden. I should have liked her to see it. But she and Delacour! It was +like a thing in a book. They fell in love, and he <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[181]</a></span>behaved well. He +wouldn't marry her. He said he knew he couldn't cure himself of +drink—that his will was too weak. But she was determined to marry him. +She said her will was strong enough for both of them. I don't know about +her will. I think it was her love which was strong enough. He gave in at +last and married her. I know I shouldn't have held out as long as he +did. And for a little while things went well. He was at her feet. He +told me it was the first time any woman had ever cared for him. For a +little while I almost hoped—and then, in spite of his love for her, in +spite of everything, he began to drink again. Then she told him that +what he drank she should drink, and she stuck to it. If he drank, she +drank the same. If he 'nipped,' she did the same. When he got drunk, she +got drunk. It was kill or cure. And he loved her. That was her hold over +him. It took time, but she broke him of it. He suffered too much seeing +her kill herself for his sake, and it steadied him. He <em>had</em> to give it +up."</p> + +<p>"Then, now—why doesn't she give it up, too?"</p> + +<p>"She can't," said the manager, his face twitching. "She was too far gone +by the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[182]</a></span>time he was cured. She had not his physique. She was absolutely +played out. She is dying, and they both know it. But she does not mind. +She has saved him. That was the point. She is perfectly happy. She does +not care about anything else. He is a great actor. She has lived to see +him recognised. Some women wouldn't have risked it. But I suppose a +woman will take any risk if she loves, at least, women like Lenore +will."</p> + +<p>"And does he—in spite of this—does he love her still?" said Marion, +with dry lips.</p> + +<p>The manager was silent.</p> + +<p>"I did not think any one could care as much for Lenore as I did," he +said at last, "but Delacour does—he cares more."</p> + +<hr class="hr6" /> + +<h5><em>Printed by Hazell, Watson & Viney, Ld., London and Aylesbury.</em></h5> + +<hr class="hr7" /> + + + +<div class="box"> +<h2>SHORTER NOVELS<br /> +BY GREATER WRITERS</h2> +<h3><em>Each 2s. 6d. net.</em></h3> + +<p class="left"><big>THE GORGEOUS ISLE</big><br /> +<span class="ti8">By GERTRUDE ATHERTON</span><br /> +<span class="ti10">Author of "Rezanov," "Ancestors."</span></p> + +<p class="left"><big>THE LOWEST RUNG</big><br /> +<span class="ti8">By Miss CHOLMONDELEY</span><br /> +<span class="ti10">Author of "Moth and Rust."</span></p> + +<p class="left"><big>A COUNTY FAMILY</big><br /> +<span class="ti8">By STORER CLOUSTON</span><br /> +<span class="ti10">Author of "Count Bunker."</span></p> + +<p class="left"><big>IRRESOLUTE CATHERINE</big><br /> +<span class="ti8">By VIOLET JACOBS</span><br /> +<span class="ti10">Author of "The Sheep Stealers."</span></p> + +<p class="left"><big>OUT IN THE OPEN</big><br /> +<span class="ti8">By LUCAS MALET</span><br /> +<span class="ti10">Author of "Sir Richard Calmady."</span></p> + +<p class="left"><big>A FISH OUT OF WATER</big><br /> +<span class="ti8">By F. F. MONTRÉSOR</span><br /> +<span class="ti10">Author of "The Burning Torch."</span></p> + +<p class="left"><big>THE MILLS OF THE GODS</big><br /> +<span class="ti8">By ELIZABETH ROBINS</span><br /> +<span class="ti10">Author of "The Magnetic North."</span></p> + +</div> + + +<div class="box"> +<h4>THIN PAPER EDITIONS.</h4> + +<h2><small>THE DEFINITIVE EDITION OF THE</small><br /> +WORKS OF GEORGE BORROW</h2> + +<p class="center noi"><small><em>In specially designed cover, with full gilt back.<br /> +F'cap 8vo. Cloth, 1s. net; Lambskin, gilt top, 2s. net.</em></small></p> + + +<p class="hang"><big>THE BIBLE IN SPAIN</big>; or, The Journeys, Adventures, and +Imprisonments of an Englishman in an Attempt to Circulate +the Scriptures in the Peninsula. With the Notes and Glossary +of <span class="smcap">Ulick Burke</span>.<br /> +<small>880 pages, with Portrait, and 3 Half-tone reproductions from +Water-Colour Sketches by A. H. Hallam Murray.</small></p> + +<p class="hang"><big>LAVENGRO</big>: The Scholar, the Gypsy, the Priest. Containing +the Unaltered Text of the original issue; some suppressed Episodes +printed only in the editions issued by Mr. Murray; MS. Variorum, +Vocabulary, and Notes by Professor <span class="smcap">W. I. Knapp</span>.<br /> +<small>608 pages, with 8 Pen and Ink Sketches by Percy Wadham.</small></p> + +<p class="hang"><big>ROMANY RYE</big>. A sequel to "Lavengro." Containing the +Unaltered Text of the original issue, with Notes, etc., by Professor +<span class="smcap">W. I. Knapp</span>.<br /> +<small>432 pages, with 7 Pen and Ink Sketches by F. G. Kitson.</small></p> + +<p class="hang"><big>WILD WALES</big>: Its People, Language, and Scenery.<br /> +<small>768 pages, 8 Half-tone Illustrations by A. S. Hartrick, and Map.</small></p> + +<p class="hang"><big>THE GYPSIES OF SPAIN</big>. Their Manners, Customs, +Religion and Language.<br /> +<small>464 pages, with 7 Half-tone Illustrations by A. Wallis Mills.</small></p> + +<p class="hang"><big>ROMANO LAVO LIL:</big> The Word Book of the Romany or +English Gypsy Language, with Specimens of Gypsy Poetry and +an account of certain Gypsyries, or places inhabited by them, +and of various things relating to Gypsy Life in England.</p> +</div> + + +<div class="box"> +<h2>WORKS OF SAMUEL SMILES</h2> + +<p class="center"><small><em>In specially designed cover,<br /> +With full gilt back, gilt top, and silk marker.<br /> +F'cap 8vo. Cloth, 2s. net; Lambskin, 2s. 6d. net.</em></small></p> + +<p class="hang"><big>SELF-HELP</big>. With Illustrations of Conduct and Perseverance.<br /> +<small>512 pages, with 6 Half-tone Illustrations.</small></p> + +<p class="hang"><big>CHARACTER</big>. A Book of Noble Characteristics.<br /> +<small>448 pages, with 6 Half-tone Illustrations.</small></p> + +<p class="hang"><big>DUTY</big>. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Lowest Rung + Together with The Hand on the Latch, St. Luke's Summer and The Understudy + + +Author: Mary Cholmondeley + + + +Release Date: February 12, 2008 [eBook #24587] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LOWEST RUNG*** + + +E-text prepared by Louise Pryor, Jacqueline Jeremy, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +THE LOWEST RUNG + +Together with The Hand on +the Latch, St. Luke's Summer +and The Understudy + +by + +MARY CHOLMONDELEY + +Author of "Red Pottage" + + + + + + + +London +John Murray, Albemarle Street, W. +1908 + +Copyright, 1908, in the +United States of America + + + + + TO + HOWARD STURGIS + + + + +CONTENTS + + PAGE + + THE LOWEST RUNG 33 + + THE HAND ON THE LATCH 82 + + SAINT LUKE'S SUMMER 107 + + THE UNDERSTUDY 156 + + + + +PREFACE + + +I have been writing books for five-and-twenty years, novels of which I +believe myself to be the author, in spite of the fact that I have been +assured over and over again that they are not my own work. When I have +on several occasions ventured to claim them, I have seldom been +believed, which seems the more odd as, when others have claimed them, +they have been believed at once. Before I put my name to them they were +invariably considered to be, and reviewed as, the work of a man; and for +years after I had put my name to them various men have been mentioned to +me as the real author. + +I remember once, when I was very young and shy, how at one of my first +London dinner-parties a charming elderly man discussed one of my +earliest books with such appreciation that I at last remarked that I had +written it myself. If I had looked for a surprised flash of delight at +the fact that so much talent was palpitating in white muslin beside him, +I was doomed to be disappointed. He gravely and gently said, "I know +that to be untrue," and the conversation was turned to other subjects. + +One man did indeed actually announce himself to be the author of "Red +Pottage," in the presence of a large number of people, including the +late Mr. William Sharp, who related the occurrence to me. But the +incident ended uncomfortably for the claimant, which one would have +thought he might have foreseen. + +But whether my books are mine or not, still whenever one of them appears +the same thing happens. I am pressed to own that such-and-such a +character "is taken from So-and-so." I have not yet yielded to these +exhortations to confession, partly, no doubt, because it would be very +awkward for me afterwards if I owned that thirty different persons were +the one and only original of "So-and-so." + +My character for uprightness (if I ever had one) has never survived my +tacit, or in some cases emphatic, refusal to be squeezed through the +"clefts of confession." + +It is perhaps impossible for those who do not write fiction to form any +conception how easily an erroneous idea gains credence that some one has +been "put in a book"; or, if the idea has once been entertained, how +impossible it is to eradicate it. + +Looking back over a string of incidents of this kind in my own personal +experience, covering the last five-and-twenty years, I feel doubtful +whether I shall be believed if I instance some of them. They seem now, +after the lapse of years, frankly incredible, and yet they were real +enough to give me not a little pain at the time. It is the fashion +nowadays, if one says anything about oneself, to preface it by the +pontifical remark that what one writes is penned for the sake of others, +to save them, to cheer them, etc., etc. This, of course, now I come to +think of it, must be my reason also for my lapse into autobiography. I +see now that I only do it out of tenderness for the next generation. +Therefore, young writers of the future, now on the playing-fields of +Eton, take notice that my heart yearns over you. If, later on, you are +harrowed as I have been harrowed, remember + + _J'ai passe par la._ + +Observe the prints of my goloshes on the steep ascent, and take courage. +And if you are perturbed, as I have been perturbed, let me whisper to +you the exhortation of the bankrupt to the terrestrial globe: + + Never _you_ mind. Roll on. + +When I first took a pen into my youthful hand, I lived in a very +secluded part of the Midlands, and perhaps, my little world being what +it was, it was inevitable that the originals of my characters, +especially the tiresome ones, should be immediately identified with the +kindly neighbours within a five-mile radius of my paternal Rectory. Five +miles was about the utmost our little pony could do. It was therefore +obviously impossible that I could be acquainted with any one beyond that +distance. And from first to last, from that day to this, no one leading +a secluded life has been so fatuous as to believe that my characters +were evolved out of my inner consciousness. "After all, you must own you +took them from _some one_," is a phrase which has long lost its novelty +for me. I remember even now my shocked astonishment when a furious +neighbour walked up to me and said, "We all recognised Mrs. Alwynn at +once as Mrs. ----, _and we all say it is not in the least like her_." + +It was not, indeed. There was no shadow of resemblance. Did Mrs. ----, +who had been so kind to me from a child, ever hear that report, I +wonder? It gave me many a miserable hour, just when I was expanding in +the sunshine of my first favourable reviews. + +When I was still quite a beginner, Mrs. Clifford published her beautiful +and touching book, "Aunt Anne." + +There was, I am willing to believe--it is my duty to believe +_something_--a faint resemblance between her "Aunt Anne" and an old +great-aunt of mine, "Aunt Anna Maria," long since dead, whom I had only +seen once or twice when I was a small child. + +The fact that I could not have known my departed relation did not +prevent two of my cousins, elderly maiden ladies who had had that +privilege, from writing to me in great indignation at my having ventured +to travesty my old aunt. They had found me out (I am always being found +out), and the vials of their wrath were poured out over me. + +In my whilom ignorance, in my lamblike innocence of the darker side of +human nature, I actually thought that a disclaimer would settle the +matter. + +When has a disclaimer ever been of any use? When has it ever achieved +anything except to add untruthfulness to my other crimes? Why have I +ever written one, after that first disastrous essay, in which I civilly +pointed out that not I, but Mrs. Clifford, the well-known writer, was +the author of "Aunt Anne?" + +They replied at once to say that this was untrue, because I, and I +alone, _could_ have written it. + +I showed my father the letter. + +The two infuriated ladies were attached to my father, and had known him +for many years as a clergyman and a rural dean of unblemished character. +He wrote to them himself to assure them that they had made a mistake, +that I was not the author of the obnoxious work. + +But the only effect his letter had on their minds was a pained uprootal +of their respect and long affection for him. And they both died some +years later, and (presumably) went up to heaven, convinced of my guilt, +in spite of the unscrupulous parental ruridiaconal effort to whitewash +me. + +Long afterwards I mentioned this incident to Mrs. Clifford, but it did +not cause her surprise. She had had her own experiences. She told me +that when "Aunt Anne" appeared, she had many letters from persons with +whom she was unacquainted, reproaching her for having portrayed their +aunt. + +The reverse of the medal ought perhaps to be mentioned. So primitive was +the circle in which my youth was passed that an adverse review, if seen +by one of the community, was at once put down to a disaffected and +totally uneducated person in our village. + +A witty but unfavourable criticism in _Punch_ of my first story was +always believed by two ladies in the parish to have been penned by one +of the village tradesmen. It was in vain I assured them that the person +in question could not by any possibility be on the staff of _Punch_. +They only shook their heads, and repeated mysteriously that they "had +reasons for _knowing_ he had written it." + +When we moved to London, I hoped I might fare better. But evidently I +had been born under an unlucky star. The "Aunt Anne" incident proved to +be only the first playful ripple which heralded the incoming of the + + Breakers of the boundless deep. + +After the publication of "Red Pottage" a storm burst respecting one of +the characters--Mr. Gresley--which even now I have not forgotten. The +personal note was struck once more with vigour, but this time by the +clerical arm. I was denounced by name from a London pulpit. A Church +newspaper which shall be nameless suggested that my portrait of Mr. +Gresley was merely a piece of spite on my part, as I had probably been +jilted by a clergyman. I will not pretend that the turmoil gave me +unmixed pain. If it had, I should have been without literary vanity. But +when a witty bishop wrote to me that he had enjoined on his clergy the +study of Mr. Gresley as a Lenten penance, it was not possible for me to +remain permanently depressed. + +The character was the outcome of long, close observation of large +numbers of clergymen, but not of one particular parson. Why, then, was +it so exactly like individual clergymen that I received excited or +enthusiastic letters from the parishioners of I dare not say how many +parishes, affirming that their vicar (whom I had never beheld), and he +alone, could have been the prototype of Mr. Gresley? I was frequently +implored to go down and "see for myself." Their most adorable platitudes +were chronicled and sent up to me, till I wrung my hands because it was +too late to insert them in "Red Pottage."[1] For they all fitted Mr. +Gresley like a glove, and I should certainly have used them if it had +been possible. For, as has been well said, "There is no copyright in +platitudes." They are part of our goodly heritage. And though people +like Mr. Gresley and my academic prig Wentworth have in one sense made a +particular field of platitude their own, by exercising themselves +continually upon it, nevertheless we cannot allow them to warn us off as +trespassers, or permit them to annex or enclose common land, the +property and birthright of the race. + +Young men fresh from public schools also informed me that Mr. Gresley +was the facsimile of their tutor, and of no one else. I was at that time +unacquainted with any schoolmasters, being cut off from social +advantages. But that fact did me no good. The dispassionate statement of +it had no more effect on my young friends than my father's denial had on +my elderly relations. + +I am ashamed to say that once again, as in the case of "Aunt Anne," I +endeavoured to exculpate myself in order to pacify two old maiden +ladies. Why is it always the acutely unmarried who are made miserable by +my books? Is it because--odious thought, avaunt!--married persons do not +open them? These two ladies did not, indeed, think that I had been +"paying out" some particular clergyman, as suggested in their favourite +paper, _The Guardian_,[2] but they were shocked by the profanity of the +book. Soon afterwards the Bishop of Stepney (now Bishop of London) +preached on "Red Pottage" in St. Paul's. I sent them a newspaper which +reprinted the sermon _verbatim_, with a note saying that I trusted this +expression of opinion on the part of their idolised preacher might +mitigate their condemnation of the book. + +But when have my attempts at making an effect ever come off? My firework +never lights up properly like that of others! It only splutters and goes +out. I received in due course a dignified answer that they had both been +deeply distressed by my information, as it would prevent them ever going +to hear the Bishop of Stepney again. + +My own experience, especially as to "Red Pottage" and "Prisoners," +struck me as so direful, I seemed so peculiarly outside the protection +of Providence, like the celebrated plot of ground on which "no rain nor +no dew never fell," that I consulted several other brother and sister +novelists as to how they had fared in this delicate matter. It is not +for me to reveal the interesting skeletons concealed in cupboards not my +own, but I have almost invariably returned from these interviews +cheered, chuckling, and consoled by the comfortable realisation that +others had writhed on a hotter gridiron than I. + +Georges Sand, when she was accused of lampooning a certain _abbe_, said +that to draw one character of that kind one must know a thousand. She +has, I think, put her finger on the truth which is not easy to find--at +least, I never found it until I read those words of hers. + +It is necessary to know a very large number of persons of a certain +kind before one can evolve a type. Each he or she contributes a twig, +and the author weaves them into a nest. I have no doubt that I must have +taken such a twig from nearly every clergyman I met who had a _soupcon_ +of Mr. Gresley in him. + +But if an author takes one tiny trait, one saying, one sentiment, direct +from a person, there is always the danger that the contributor will +recognise the theft, and, if of a self-regarding temperament, will +instantly conclude that the _whole_ character is drawn from himself. +There is, for instance, no more universal trait, of what has been +unkindly called "the old-maid temperament" in either sex, than the +assertion that it is always busy. But when such a trait is noted in a +book, how many sensitive readers assume that it is a cruel personality. +If people could but perceive that what they think to be character in +themselves is often only sex, or sexlessness; if they could but believe +in the universality of what they hold to be their individuality! And yet +how easily they believe in it when it is pleasant to do so, when they +write books about themselves, and thousands of grateful readers bombard +the gifted authoress with letters to tell her that they also have "felt +just like that," and have "been helped" by her exquisite sentiments, +which are the exact replicas of their own! + +The worst of it is that with the academic or clerical prig, when the +mind has long been permitted to run in a deep, platitudinous groove from +which it is at last powerless to escape, the resemblance to a prig in +fiction is sometimes more than fanciful. It is real. For there is no +doubt that prigs have a horrid family likeness to each other, whether in +books or in real life. I have sometimes felt as the puzzled mother of +some long-lost Tichborne might feel. Each claimant to the estates in +turn seems to acquire a look of the original because he _is_ a claimant. +Has not this one my lost Willy's eyes? But no! that one has Willy's +hands. True, but the last-comer snuffles exactly as my lost Willy +snuffled. How many men have begun suddenly and indubitably in my eyes to +resemble one of the adored prigs of my novels, merely because they +insisted on the likeness themselves. + +The most obnoxious accident which has yet befallen me, the most wanton +blow below the belt which Fate has ever dealt me, is buried beneath the +snows of twenty years. But even now I cannot recall it without a +shudder. And if a carping critic ventures to point out that blows below +the belt are not often buried beneath snow, then all I can say is that +when I have made my meaning clear, I see no reason for a servile +conformity to academic rules of composition. + +I was writing "Diana Tempest." One of the characters, a very worldly +religious young female prig, was much in my mind. I know many such. I +may as well mention here that I do not bless the hour on which I first +saw the light. I have not found life an ardent feast of tumultuous joy. +But I do realise that it has been embellished by the acquaintance of a +larger number of delightful prigs than falls to the lot of most. I have +much to be thankful for. Having got hold of the character of this lady, +I piloted her through courtship and marriage. I gleefully invented _all_ +her sayings on these momentous occasions, and described the wedding and +the abhorrent bridegroom with great minuteness. In short, I gloated over +it. + +The book was finished, sold, finally corrected, and in the press when +one of the young women who had unconsciously contributed a trait to the +character became affianced. She immediately began throwing off with +great dignity, as if by clock-work, all the best things which I had +evolved out of my own brain and had put into the mouth of my female +prig. At first I was delighted with my own cleverness, but gradually I +became more and more uneasy, and when I attended the wedding my heart +failed me altogether. In "Diana Tempest" I had described the rich, +elderly, stout, and gouty bridegroom whom the lady had captured. There +he was before my panic-stricken eyes! The wedding was exactly as I had +already described it. It took place in London, just as I had said. The +remembrance that the book had passed beyond my own control, the +irrevocability of certain ghastly sentences, came over me in a flash, +together with the certainty that, however earnestly I might deny, swear, +take solemn oaths on family Bibles, nothing, nothing, not even a voice +from heaven, much less that of a rural dean still on earth, could make +my innocence credible. + +I may add that no voice from heaven sounded, and that I never made any +attempt at self-exculpation, or invited my father to sacrifice himself a +second time. + +As I heard "The Voice that breathed o'er Eden" and saw the bride of +twenty-five advance up the aisle to meet the bridegroom of forty-five +awaiting her deeply flushed, in a distorted white waistcoat--I had +mercilessly alluded to his white waistcoat as an error of judgment--I +gave myself up for lost; _and I was lost_. + +But all this time, while I have been giving a free rein to my +autobiographic instincts, the question still remains unanswered, Why is +human nature so prone to think it has been travestied that it becomes +impervious to reason on the subject the moment the idea has entered the +mind? Once lodged, I have never known such an idea dislodged, however +fantastic. Why is it that if, like Mrs. Clifford, one has the good +fortune to evolve a type, no one can believe it is not an individual? +Why does not the outraged friend console himself with the remembrance +that if he is one of many others who are feeling equally harrowed, he +cannot really be the object of a malignant spite, carefully disguised +till then under the apparel of a cheerful friendship? + +I think an answer--a partial answer--to the latter question may be found +in the fact that balm was never yet poured on a wounded spirit by the +assurance that there are thousands of others exactly like itself. We can +all endure to be lampooned. (I have even known a man who was deeply +disappointed when he was forced to believe that he had not been +victimised.) But to be told we are one of a herd! This flesh and blood +cannot tolerate. It is unthinkable; a living death. That we who "look +before and after," and "whose sincerest laughter with some pain is +fraught"; that _we_, lonely, superb, pining for what is not, +misunderstood by our nearest and dearest, who don't know, and never +_can_ know + + Half the reasons why we smile or sigh + +(unless, indeed, we are autobiographists: then they know _all_ the +reasons)--that WE should be confused with the vast mob of foolish, +sentimental spinsters, or pedantic clerics, or egotistic old bachelors! + +Away!--away! The reeling mind stops its ears against these obscene +suggestions. + +The only alternative which remains is that an unscrupulous novelist has +_heard_ of us--nothing more likely--without being actually acquainted +with us, and has listened to garbled accounts of us from our so-called +friends; or has actually met us at a bazaar or a funeral, though of +course he professes to have forgotten the meeting; has been impressed +with our subtle personality--nothing more likely--has felt an envious +admiration of what we ourselves value but little--our social charm--and +has yielded--nothing more likely--to the ignoble temptation of +caricaturing qualities which he cannot emulate. Or perhaps he has known +us for years, and has shown a mysterious indifference to our society, an +impatience of our deeper utterances, which we can now, _at last_, trace +to its true source, a guilty consciousness of premeditated treachery +which has led him to strike us in a dastardly manner, which we can +indeed afford--being what we are--to forgive, but which we shall never +forget. And if an opportunity offers later on, it is possible that an +unprejudiced and judicial mind may feel called upon to indicate what it +thinks of such conduct. + +Perhaps only those whose temperament leads them to believe themselves +ridiculed in a book know the rankling smart, the exquisite pain, the +sense of treachery of such an experience. It is probably the most +offensive slight that can be offered to a sensitive nature. + +And if the author realises this, even while he knows himself to be +guiltless in the matter, it is probable, if he also is somewhat +sensitive--and some authors are--that a great deal of the delight he may +derive from a successful novel may be dimmed by the realisation that he +has unwittingly pained a stranger, or, worse still, an acquaintance, or, +immeasurably worst of all, an old friend. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[1] One of these unknown correspondents wrote that their vicar had that +Sunday begun--he would have said _commenced_--his sermon with the words, +"God is Love, as the Archbishop of Canterbury remarked last week in +Westminster Abbey." + +[2] _The Guardian_, April 11, 1900: "Truth to tell, when I appreciated, +with much amusement, the light in which one was expected to regard Mr. +Gresley, I came to the conclusion that the authoress was paying out some +particular High Church parson, who had perhaps snubbed her or got the +better of her, by 'putting him into a book.' The poor, feeble creature +is described with appetite, so to speak, and when this is the case (with +a lady writer) one is pretty safe in being sure one has come across the +personal. Mr. Gresleys certainly exist, but only a woman in a (perhaps +wholly justified) tantrum would speak of them as a type of the clergy in +general."--THOS. J. BALL. + + + + +THE LOWEST RUNG + + We are dropping down the ladder rung by rung. + RUDYARD KIPLING. + + +The sudden splendour of the afternoon made me lay down my pen, and +tempted me afield. It had been a day of storm and great racing +cloud-wracks, after a night of hurricane and lashing rain. But in the +afternoon the sun had broken through, and I struggled across the +water-meadows, the hurrying, turbid water nearly up to the single planks +across the ditches, and climbed to the heathery uplands, battling my way +inch by inch against a tearing wind. + +My art had driven me forth from my warm fireside, as it is her wont to +drive her votaries, and the call of my art I have never disobeyed. + +For no artist must look at one side of life only. We must study it as a +whole, gleaning rich and varied sheaves as we go. My forthcoming book +of deep religious experiences, intertwined with descriptions of scenery, +needed a little contrast. I had had abundance of summer mornings and +dewy evenings, almost too many dewy evenings. And I thought a +description of a storm would be in keeping with the chapter on which I +was at that moment engaged, in which I dealt with the stress of my own +illness of the previous spring, and the mystery of pain, which had +necessitated a significant change in my life--a visit to Cromer. The +chapter dealing with Cromer, and the insurgent doubts of convalescence, +wandering on its poppy-strewn cliffs, as to the beneficence of the +Deity, was already done, and one of the finest I had ever written. + +But I was dissatisfied with the preceding chapter, and, as usual, went +for inspiration to Nature. + +It was late by the time I reached the upland, but I was rewarded for my +climb. + +Far away under the flaring sunset the long lines of tidal river and sea +stretched tawny and sinister, like drawn swords in firelight, between +the distant woods and cornfields. The death-like stillness and +smallness of the low-lying rigid landscape made the contrast with the +rushing enormity and turmoil of the heavens almost terrific. + +Great clouds shouldered up out of the sea, blotting out the low sun, +darkening the already darkened earth, and then towered up the sky, +releasing the struggling sun only to extinguish it once more, in a new +flying cohort. + +I do not know how long I stood there, spellbound, the woman lost in the +artist, scribbling frantically in my notebook, when an onslaught of rain +brought me to my senses and I looked round for shelter. + +Then I became aware that I had not been watching alone. A +desolate-looking figure, crouching at a little distance, half hidden by +a gorse-bush, was watching too, watching intently. She got up as I +turned and came towards me, her uncouth garments whipped against her by +the wind. + +The rain plunged down upon us, enveloping us both as in a whirlwind. + +"There is an empty cottage under the down," I shouted to her, and I +began to run towards it. It was a tumbledown place, but "any port in +such a storm." + +"It is not safe," she shouted back; "the roof is falling in." + +The squall of rain whirled past as suddenly as it had come, leaving me +gasping. She seemed to take no notice of it. + +"I spent last night there," she said. "The ceiling came down in the next +room. Besides," she added, "though possibly that may not deter you, +there are two policemen there." + +I saw now that it had been the cottage which she had been watching. And +sure enough, in a broken shaft of sunshine which straggled out for a +moment, I saw two dark figures steal towards the cottage under cover of +the wall. + +"Why are they there?" I said, gaping at such a strange sight. For I had +been many months at Rufford, and I had never seen a policeman. + +"They are lying in wait for some one," she said. + +It flashed back across my mind how at luncheon that day the vicar had +said that a female convict had escaped from Ipswich gaol, and had been +traced to Bealings, and, it was conjectured, was lurking in the +neighbourhood of Woodbridge. + +I took sudden note of my companion's peculiar dark bluish clothes and +shawl, and the blood rushed to my head. I knew what those garments +meant. She pushed back her grizzled hair from her lined, walnut-coloured +face, and we looked hard at each other. + +There was no fear in her eyes, but a certain curiosity as to what I was +going to do. + +"If I told you they were not looking for me," she said, "I could not, +under the circumstances, expect you to believe it." + +I am too highly strung for this workaday world. I know it to my cost. +The artistic temperament has its penalties. My doctor at Cromer often +told me that I vibrated like a harp at the slightest touch. I vibrated +now. Indeed, I almost sat down in the sodden track. + +But unlike many of my brothers and sisters of the pen, I am capable of +impulsive, even quixotic action, and I ought, in justice to myself, to +mention here that I had not then read that noble book "The Treasure of +Heaven," in which it will be remembered that a generous-souled woman +takes in from the storm, and nurses back to health in her lowly +cottage, an aged tramp who turns out to be a millionaire, and leaves her +his vast fortune. I did not get the idea of acting as I am about to +relate from Marie Corelli, the head of our profession, or indeed from +any other writer. But I have so often been accused of taking other +people's plots and ideas and sentiments, that I owe it to myself to make +this clear before I go on. + +"You poor soul," I said, "whatever you are, and whatever you've done, I +will shelter you and help you to escape." + +I felt I really could not take her into the house, so I added, "I have a +little stable in the garden, quite private, with nice dry hay in it. +Follow me." + +I suppose she saw at a glance that she could trust me, for she nodded, +and I sped down the hill, she following at a little distance, with the +shrieking, denouncing wind behind us. I walked as quickly as I could, +but when I got as far as the water-meadows my strength and breath gave +way. I was never robust, and always foolishly prone to overtax my small +store of strength. I was obliged to stop and lean my head on my arms +against a stile. + +"There is no need for such hurry," she said tranquilly. She had come up +noiselessly behind me. "There is not a soul in sight. Besides, look what +you are missing." + +She pointed to the familiar fields before me which we had yet to cross, +with the Dieben winding through them under his low, red-brick bridges, +and beyond the little clustered village with its grey church spire +standing shoulder high above the poplars. + +The sun had just set and there was no colour in the west, but over all +the homely, wind-swept landscape a solemn and unearthly light shone and +slowly passed, shone and slowly passed. + +"Look up," said my companion, turning a face of flame towards me. + +I looked up into the sky, as into an enormous furnace. Gigantic rolling +clouds of flame were sweeping before the roaring wind like some vast +prairie fire across the firmament. As they passed overhead, the +reflection of the lurid light on them was smitten earthwards, and passed +with them, making everything it traversed clear as noon--the lion on the +swinging sign of the public-house just across the water, the delicate +tracery of the church windows, the virginia creeper on my cottage porch. + +"I have only seen an afterglow like that once in my life," my companion +said, "and that was in Teneriffe." + +A few moments more, and the sky paled to grey. The darkness came down +with tropical suddenness. I made a movement forwards. + +"Shall I not be seen if I follow you through the village in these weird +clothes?" she said civilly, as one who hesitates to make a suggestion. +"Where is your house?" + +"My cot--it is not a house--is just at the end of those trees," I said. +"It is the only one close to the park gates. It has virginia creeper +over the porch, and a white gate." + +"It sounds charming." + +"But how on earth are we to get there?" I groaned. "And some one may +come along this path at any moment." + +The dusk was falling rapidly. Candles were beginning to twinkle in +latticed windows. A yellow light from the public-house made an +impassable streak across the road. Cheerful voices were coming along the +meadow path behind us. What was to be done? + +"Go home," she said steadily. "I will find my own way." + +"But my servant?" + +"Make your mind easy. She will not see me. I shall not ring the bell. +Have you a dog?" + +"No. My dear little Lindo----" + +"It's going to be a black night. I shall be in the porch half an hour +after dark." + +She went swiftly from me, and as the voices drew near I saw her pick her +way noiselessly into one of the great ditches, and stand motionless in +the water, obliterated against a pollard willow. + +I hurried home. My feet were quite wet, and even my stockings--a thing +that had not happened to me for years. I changed at once, and took five +drops of camphor on a lump of sugar. It would be extraordinarily +inconvenient if I were to take cold, with my tendency to bronchial +catarrh. I have no time to be ill in my busy life. Was not "Broodings +beside the Dieben" being finished in hot haste for an eager publisher? +And had I not promised to give away the Sunday-school prizes at +Forlinghorn a fortnight hence? + +It was half-past six. My garden boy was pumping in the scullery. He kept +his tools in the stable, and it was his duty to lock it up and hang the +key on the nail inside the scullery door. + +Supposing he forgot to hang it up to-night of all nights! Supposing he +took it away with him by mistake! I went into the scullery directly he +had gone. I made a pretext of throwing away some flowers, though I had +never thought of needing a pretext for going there before. The stable +key was on its nail all right. I looked into the kitchen, where my +little maid-servant was preparing my evening meal. When her back was +turned, I snatched the key from the nail, dropped it noisily on the +brick floor, caught it up, withdrew to the parlour, and sank down in my +armchair shaking from head to foot. My doctor was right indeed when he +said I vibrated like a harp. + +The life of contemplation and meditation is more suited to my highly +strung nature than that of adventure and intrigue. + +My servant brought in the lamp, and I hurriedly sat on the key while she +did so. Then she drew the curtains in the little houseplace, locked the +outer door, and went back to the kitchen. + +There are two doors to my cottage--the front door with the porch leading +to the lane, and the back door out of the scullery which opens into my +little slip of garden. At the bottom of the garden is a disused stable, +utilised by me to store wood in, and old boxes. The gate to the back way +to the stable from the lane had been permanently closed till the day +should come when I could afford a pony and cart. But in these days +novels of not too refined a type are the only form of literature (if +they can be called literature) for which the public is eager. It will +devour and extol anything, however coarse, which panders to its love of +excitement, while grave books dealing with the spiritual side of life, +books of thought and culture, are left unheeded on the shelf. Such had +been the fate of mine. + +The rain had ceased at last, and the wind was falling. My mind kept on +making all sorts of uneasy suggestions to me as I sat in my armchair. +What was I to do with the--the individual when I had got her safely into +the stable, if I ever did get her safely there? How about food, how +about dry clothes, how about a light, how about everything? Supposing +she overslept herself, and Tommy found her there in the morning when he +went for his tools? Supposing my landlord, Mr. Ledbury, who was a +magistrate, found out I had harboured a criminal, and gave me notice +just when I had repapered the parlour and put in a new back to the +kitchen range? Such a calamity was unthinkable. What happened to people +who compounded felonies? Was I compounding one? Why was not I sitting +down? What was I doing standing in the middle of the parlour with the +stable key in my hand, and, as I caught sight of myself in the glass, +with my mouth wide open? + +I sat down again resolutely, hiding the key under the cushion, and +calmer thoughts supervened. After all, it was most improbable, almost +impossible, that I should be found out. And once the adventure was +safely over, when I had successfully carried it through, what +interesting accounts I should be able to give of it at luncheon parties +in London in the winter. My brothers would really believe at last that I +could act with energy and presence of mind. There was a rooted +impression in the minds of my own family that I was a flurried sort of +person, easily thrown off my balance, making mountains out of molehills +(this was especially irritating to me, as I have always taken a broad, +sane view of life), who always twisted my ankle if it could be twisted, +or lost my luggage, or caught childish ailments for the second time. +Where there is but one gifted member in a large and commonplace family, +an absurd idea of this kind is apt to grow from a joke into an _idee +fixe_. + +It had obtained credence originally because I certainly had once in a +dreamy moment got my gown shut into the door in an empty railway +compartment on the far side. And as the glass was up on the station side +I had been unable to attract any one's attention when I wanted to +alight, and had had to go on to Portsmouth (where the train stopped for +good) before I could make my presence and my predicament known. This +trivial incident had never been forgotten by my family--so much so, that +I had often regretted the hilarious spirit of pure comedy at my own +expense which had prompted me to relate it to them. + +Now was the time to show what metal I was made of. My spirits rose as I +felt I could rely on myself to be cautious, resourceful, bold. I sat on, +outwardly composed, but inwardly excited, straining my ears for a sign +that the fugitive was in the porch. I supposed I should presently hear a +light tap on my parlour window, which was close to the outer door. + +But none came. More than an hour passed. It had long been perfectly +dark. What could have happened? Had the poor creature been dogged and +waylaid by those two policemen after all? Was it possible that they had +seen us standing together at the stile, where she had so inconsiderately +joined me for a moment? At last I became so nervous that I went to the +outer door, opened it softly, and looked out. She was so near me that I +very nearly screamed. + +"How long have you been here?" I whispered. + +"Close on an hour." + +"Why didn't you tap on the window or something? I was waiting to let you +in." + +"I dared not do that. It might have been the kitchen window for all I +knew, and then your servant would have seen me." + +"But the kitchen is the other side." + +"Indeed! And where is the stable?" + +"At the bottom of the garden, away from the road." + +"How are we going to get to it?" + +"We can only get to it through the garden, now the back way is closed. I +closed it because the village children----" + +"Had not you better shut the door? If any one passed down the road, they +would see it was open." + +"It's as dark as pitch." + +"Yes, but there's a little light from within. I can see you from outside +quite plainly standing in the doorway." + +I led her indoors, and locked and bolted the door. + +"What is this room?" + +"The houseplace. I have my meals here. I live very primitively. My idea +is----" + +"Then your servant may come in at any moment to lay your supper." + +I could not say that she seemed nervous or frightened, but the way she +cut me short showed that she was so in reality. I was not offended, for +I am the first to make allowance when rudeness is not intentional. I led +the way hastily into the parlour. + +"She never comes in here," I said reassuringly, "after she has once +brought in the lamp. I am supposed to be working, and must not be +disturbed." + +"I'm not fit to come in," she said. + +And in truth she was not. She was caked with mud and dirt from head to +foot, an appalling figure in the lamplight. The rain dripped from her +hair, her sinister clothing, her whole person. She looked as if she must +have hidden in a wet ditch. I gazed horror-struck at my speckless +matting and pale Oriental rugs. I had never allowed a child or dog in +the house for fear of the matting, except of course my poor Lindo, who +had died a few months previously, and whom I had taught to wipe his feet +on the mat. + +A ghost of a smile twitched her grey mouth. + +"Is not that the _Times_?" she said. "Spread it out four thick, and lay +it on the floor." + +I did so, and she stepped carefully on to it. + +"Now," she said, standing on a great advertisement of a universal +history--"now that I am not damaging the furniture, pull yourself +together and _think_. How am I to get to the stable? I can't stop here." + +She could not indeed. I felt I might be absolutely powerless to get the +muddy footprints out of the matting. And no doubt there were some in the +houseplace too. + +"If I go through the scullery, I may be seen," she said, the water +pattering off her on to the newspaper. "So lucky you take in the +_Times_; it's printed on such thick paper. Where does that window look +out?" + +She pointed to the window at the farther end of the room. + +"On to the garden." + +"Capital! Then we can get out through it, of course, without going +through the scullery." + +I had not thought of that. I opened the window, and she was through it +in two cautious strides. + +"Now," she said, looking back at me, "I'm comparatively safe for the +moment, and so is the matting. But before we do anything more, get a +duster--a person like you is sure to have a duster in a drawer. Just so, +there it is. Now wipe up the marks of my muddy feet in the room we first +came into as well as this, and then see to the paint of the window. I +have probably smirched it. Then roll up the _Times_ tight, and put it +in the waste-paper basket." + +She watched me obey her. + +"Having obliterated all traces of crime," she said when I had finished, +"suppose we go on to the stable. Let me help you through the window. I +will wipe my hands on the grass first. And would not you be wise to put +on that little shawl I see on the sofa? It is getting cold." + +The window was only a yard from the ground, and I got out somehow, +encumbered in my shawl, which a grateful reader had crocheted for me. +She had, however, to help me in again directly I was out, for, between +us, we had forgotten the stable key, which was underneath the cushion of +my armchair. + +The rest was plain sailing. We stole down the garden path to the stable, +and I unlocked the door and let her in. + +"Kindly lock me in and take away the key," she said, vanishing past me +into the darkness, and I thought I detected a tone of relief in her +brisk, matter-of-fact voice. + +"I will bring some food as soon as I can," I whispered. "If I knock +three times, you will know it's only me." + +"Don't knock at all," she said; "it might be noticed. Why should you +knock to go into your own stable?" + +"I won't, then. And how about your wet things?" + +"That's nothing. I'm accustomed to being wet." + +I crawled back to the cottage, and managed to scramble in by the parlour +window, only to sink once more into my armchair in a state of collapse. +I had always entered so acutely into the joys and sorrows of others, +their love affairs, their difficulties, their bereavements (I had in +this way led such a full life), that I was surprised at this juncture to +find my nervous force so exhausted, until I remembered that ardent +natures who give out a great deal in the way of helpfulness and interest +are bound to suffer when the reaction comes. The reaction had come for +me now. I saw only too plainly the folly I had been guilty of in +harbouring a total stranger, the trouble I should probably get into, the +difficulty that a nature naturally frank and open to a fault would find +in keeping up a deception. I doubted my own powers, everything. The +truth was--but I did not realise it till afterwards--that I had missed +my tea. + +I could hear my servant laying my evening meal in the houseplace. In a +few minutes she tapped to tell me it was ready, and I rose mechanically +to obey the summons. And then, to my horror, I found I was still in +morning dress. For the first time for years I had not dressed for +dinner. What would she think if she saw me? But it was too late to +change now; I must just go in as I was. My whole life seemed dislocated, +torn up by the roots. + +There was not much to eat. Half a very small cold chicken, a lettuce, +and a little custard pudding, fortunately very nutritious, being made +with Eustace Miles's proteid. There were, however, a loaf and butter and +plasmon biscuits on the sideboard. I cut up as much as I dared of the +chicken, and put it between two very thick slices of buttered bread. +Then I crept out again and took it to her. She got up out of the hay, +and put out a gnarled brown hand for it. + +"I will bring you a cup of coffee later," I said. I was beginning to +feel a kind of proprietorship in her. She would have starved but for me. + +My servant always left at nine o'clock, to sleep at her father's +cottage, just over the way. I have a bell in the roof, which I can ring +with a cord in case of fire or thieves. + +To-night she was, of course, later than usual, but at last she brought +in the coffee, and then I heard her making her rounds, closing the +shutters on the ground floor, and locking the front door--at least, +trying to do so. I had already locked and bolted it. Then she locked the +scullery door on the outside, abstracted the key, and I heard her step +on the brick path, and the click of the gate. _She was gone_. + +I always heated the coffee myself over the parlour fire. It was already +bubbling on the hob. Directly she had left I went to the kitchen, and +got a second cup. I felt much better since I had had supper. And as I +took the cup from the shelf the fantastic idea came into my mind to ask +my protegee to come in and drink her coffee by the fire in the parlour. +I must frankly own it was foolhardy; it was rash, it was even dangerous. +But there it is! One cannot help the way one is made, and I am afraid I +am not of those who invariably take the coldly prudent course and stick +to it. + +I turned the idea over in my mind. I could put down sheets of brown +paper--I always have a store--from the door to the fire, and an old +mackintosh over the worst armchair, which was to be re-covered. Besides, +I had not had a good look at her yet, or made out the real woman under +the prison garb. That she was a person of education and refinement may +appear hardly credible to my readers, but to one like myself, whose +_metier_ it is to probe the secrets of my own heart and those of +others--to _me_ it was sufficiently obvious from the first moment that, +though I had to deal with a criminal, she was a very exceptional one, +and belonging to my own class. I went out to the stable, and suggested +to her that she should come in. + +"How do you know that I am not a man in disguise?" came a voice from the +darkness; and it seemed to me, not for the first time, that she was +amused at something. "I'm tall enough. Just think how stupendous it +would be if, when I was inside and the door really locked, I proved to +be a wicked, devastating, burglarious male." + +"I wish you would not say things like that," I said. "On your honour, +_are_ you a man?" + +She hesitated, and then said in a changed voice: + +"I am not. I don't know what I am. I was a woman once, just as a +derelict was a ship once. But whatever I am, I am not fit to come into a +self-respecting house. I am one solid cake of mud." + +Something in her reluctance made me the more determined. Besides, one of +the truths on which I have insisted most strongly in my "Veil of the +Temple" is that if we show full trust and confidence in others, they +will prove worthy of that trust. Her coming indoors had now become a +matter of principle, and I insisted. I even said I could lend her a +dressing-gown and slippers, so that her wet clothes might be dried by +the kitchen fire. + +She murmured something about a good Samaritan, but still demurred, and +asked if I had a bath-room. I said I had. + +That decided her. She seemed to have no difficulty in making up her +mind. She did not see two sides to things, as I always do myself. + +She said that if I liked to allow her to go to the bath-room first, she +should be happy to accept my kind invitation for an hour or so. If not, +she would stay where she was. + + * * * * * + +Half an hour later she was sitting opposite me in the parlour, on the +other side of the wood fire, sipping her coffee. I had not put down the +brown paper or the mackintosh. It was not necessary. Her close-cropped, +curly grey hair, still damp from the bath, was parted, and brushed +stiffly back over her ears. It must have been very beautiful hair once. +Her thin hands and thinner face and neck looked more like brown +parchment than ever, as she sat in the lamplight, my old blue +dressing-gown folded negligently round her, and taking picturesque folds +which it never did when I was inside it. Those long, gaunt limbs must +have been graceful once. Her feet were bare in her slippers--in my +slippers, I mean. She looked rather like a well-bred Indian. + +It was obvious that she was a lady, but her speech had already told me +that. What amazed me most where all amazed me was her self-possession. + +I wondered what her impression of me was, as we sat, such a strangely +assorted couple, one on each side of the fire. Did I indeed seem to her +the quixotic, impetuous, and yet withal dreamy creature which my books +show me to be? But I have often been told by those who know me well that +I am much more than my books. + +"I have not sat by a fire for how many months?" she said, her black eyes +on the logs. "Let me see, last time was in a lonely cottage on the +Cotswolds. It was a night like this, but colder, and a helpless old +couple let me in, and allowed me to dry my clothes, and lie by their +fire all night. Very unwise of them, wasn't it? I might have murdered +them in their beds." + +I began to feel rather uncomfortable. + +"You are not undergoing a sentence for murder, are you?" I asked. + +She looked at me for a moment, and then said: + +"The desperate creature who escaped from gaol three days ago, and who +was in for life for the murder of the man she lived with, and whose +convict clothes I am wearing--whose clothes, I mean, are at this moment +drying before your kitchen fire--is not the same woman who is now +drinking your excellent coffee." + +"Do you mean to tell me you have never been in prison?" + +"Yes, for a year; but I served my time and finished it four years ago." + +I wrung my hands. I was deeply disappointed in her. Her transparent +duplicity, which could impose on no one, not even so unsuspicious a +nature as mine, hurt me to the quick. + +"Oh! you poor soul," I said, "don't lie to me. Indeed it isn't +necessary. I will do all I can for you. I will help you to get away. I +will give you other clothes, and money, and we will bury these--these +garments of shame. But don't, for God's sake, don't lie to me." + +She looked gravely at me, as if she were measuring me, and seeing, no +doubt, that I was not deceived, a dusky red rose for a moment to her +face and brow. + +"It is not easy to speak the truth to some people," she said, her eyes +dropping once more to the fire, "even when they are as compassionate and +kind as you are." + +"Truthfulness is a habit that may be regained," I said earnestly. "I +myself, without half your temptations, was untruthful once." + +To associate oneself with the sins of others, to show one's own scar, +is not this sometimes the only way to comfort those overborne in the +battle of life? Had I not chronicled my own failing in the matter of +truthfulness when I foolishly and wickedly took blame on myself for the +fault of one dear to me, in my first book, "With Broken Wing"? But I saw +as I spoke that she had not read it, and did not realise to what I was +alluding. I have so steadily refused to be interviewed that possibly +also she had not even yet guessed who I was. + +"I am sure--I am quite sure," I went on after a moment, "that there is a +great deal of good in you, that you are by nature truthful." + +"Am I? I wonder. Perhaps I was so once, in the early, untroubled days. +But I have told many lies since then." + +She drank her coffee slowly, looking steadfastly into the fire, as if +she saw in the wavering flame some reflection of another fire on another +hearthstone. + +"How good it is!" she said at last, putting her cup down. "How +dreadfully good it is--the coffee and the fire, and the quiet room, and +to be dry and warm and clean! How good it all is! And how little I +thought of them when I had all these things!" + +She got up and looked at a water-colour over the low mantelpiece. + +"Madeira, isn't it?" she said. "I seem to remember that peculiar effect +of the vivid purple of the Bougainvillea against the dim, cloudy purple +of the hills behind." + +"It is Madeira," I said. "I was there ten years ago. Perhaps you have +read my little book, 'Beside the Bougainvillea'?" + +"My husband died there," she said, looking fixedly at the drawing. "He +died just before sunrise, and when it was over I remember looking out +across the sea, past the great English man-of-war in the harbour, to +those three little islands--I forget their names--and as the first level +rays touched them, the islands and the ship all seemed to melt into +half-transparent amethyst in a sea of glass, beneath a sky of glass. How +calm the sea was--hardly a ripple! I felt that even he, weak as he was, +could walk upon it. It was like daybreak in heaven, not on earth. And +his long martyrdom was over. It seemed as if we were both safe home at +last." + +"Had he been ill long?" + +"A long time. He suffered terribly. And I gave him morphia under the +doctor's directions. And then, when he was gone--not at first, but after +a little bit--I took morphia myself, to numb my own anguish and to get a +little sleep. I thought I should go mad if I could not get any sleep. I +had better have gone mad. But I took morphia instead, and sealed my own +doom. But how can you tell whether I am speaking the truth? Well, it +doesn't matter if you don't believe me. I am accustomed to it. I am +never believed now. And I don't care if I'm not. I don't deserve to be. +But I suppose you can see that I was not always a tramp on the highway. +And, at any rate, that is what I am now, and what I shall remain, unless +I drift into prison again, which God forbid, for I should suffocate in a +cell after the life in the open air which I am accustomed to." + +She shivered a little, as if she who seemed devoid of fear quailed at +the remembrance of her cell. + +"You are wondering how I have fallen so low," she said. "Do you remember +Kipling's lines-- + + "We are dropping down the ladder rung by rung? + +"Well, I have known what it is to drop down the ladder of life, +clinging convulsively to each rung in turn, losing hold of it, and being +caught back by compassionate hands, only to let go of it again; fighting +desperately to hold on to the next rung when I was thrust from the one +above it; having my hands beaten from each rung, one after another, one +after another, sinking lower and lower yet, cling as I would, pray as I +would, repent as I would." + +"Who beat your hands from the rungs?" I said. + +"Morphia," she replied. + +There was a long silence. + +"Morphia, that was the beginning and the middle and the end of my +misfortunes," she said. "What did I do that gradually lost me my +friends?--and I had such good friends, even after my best friend my +sister died. What did I do that ruined me by inches? In Australia I have +heard of evil men taken red-handed being left in the bush with food and +water by them, bound to a fallen tree which has been set on fire at one +end. And the fire smoulders and smoulders, and travels inch by inch +along the trunk, and they watch their slow, inevitable death coming +towards them day by day, until it at last destroys them also inch by +inch. What had I done that I should find myself bound like those poor +wretches? I cannot tell you. Morphia wipes out the memory as surely as +drink. I only know that I was in torment. Faces, familiar and strange +faces, some compassionate, some indignant, some horror-struck, come back +to me sometimes, blurred as by smoke, but I see nothing clearly. I dimly +remember fragments of appeals that were made to me, fragments of divine +music in cathedrals where I sobbed my heart out. Broken, splintered, +devastating memories of promises made in bitter tears, and endless lies +and subterfuges to conceal what I could not conceal. For morphia looks +out of the eyes of its victim. I knew that, but I thought no one could +see it in mine, that I could hide it. And I have one vivid recollection +of a quiet room with flowers in it, and latticed windows, but I don't +know where it was or how I came there, or who were the people in it who +spoke to me. There was a tall woman with grey parted hair in a lilac +gown. I can see her now. And I swore before God that I had left off the +drug. And some one standing behind me took the little infernal machine +out of my pocket, and I was confronted with it. And the tall woman wrung +her hands and groaned. How I hated her! And in my madness I accused her +of putting it there to ruin me. And some one (a man) said slowly, 'She +is impossible!--quite impossible!' That one memory stands out like a +little oasis in a desert of mirage and shifting sand, and thirst. I +should know the room again if I saw it. There was a window opening into +a little paved courtyard with a fountain in it, and doves drinking. But +I shall never see it again. And the drug became alive like a fiend, and +pushed me lower and lower, down, always down, until I did something +dreadful, I don't know now exactly what it was, though the prison +chaplain explained it to me. But it was about a cheque, and I was +convicted and sent to prison." + +"Then you have been in prison _twice_?" I said, anxious to make it easy +for her to be entirely truthful, for I could not doubt the truth of much +of this earlier history. + +She did not seem to hear me. + +"There is no crime," she went on, "however black, that I did not expiate +then. If suffering can wash out sins, I washed out mine. I, who thought +I had so many enemies, have no enemy. No one has ever injured me. But if +I had the cruellest in the world, I would not condemn him, if he were a +morphia maniac, to sudden enforced abstinence and prison life. And I +could not die. I am very strong by nature. I could neither die nor live. +It was months before I saw light, months of hell, consumed in the flame +of hell which is thirst. And slowly the power to live came back to me. I +was saved in spite of myself. And slowly the power of thought returned +to me. I had time to think. My mind drifted and drifted, but I got +control of it now and again, and then for longer intervals, as my poor +body reasserted itself from the slavery of the drug. And I thought--I +thought--I thought. And at last I made up my mind, my fierce, embittered +mind. And when I came out of prison, I took to the road. Even then there +were those who would have helped me, but I steeled my heart against +them. There was a strange woman with a sweet face waiting at the prison +door, who spoke kindly to me. But I distrusted her. I distrusted every +one. And I did not mean to be helped any more. I had been helped time +and time again. To be helped was to be put where I could get morphia, +where I had something, if it was only my clothes, which I could sell to +get it, where I could _steal_ things to sell to get it. If I had any +possessions, I knew that some day--not for a time perhaps, but some +day--I should sell it and get morphia somehow. They say you can't buy +it, but you can. I always could in the past, and I knew I always should +in the future. But on the road, in rags, a tramp, down in the dust, in +the safe refuge of the dust--there it was not possible. There I was out +of temptation. There I could not be burned in that flame again. That was +all I thought of, to creep away where the fire could not reach me. And I +felt sure I should not live long. In my ignorance I thought the exposure +to all weathers, and privation, and the first frost of winter would +bring me my release quickly. But they did not. They gave me new life +instead. I came out in spring, and I begged my way to Abinger Forest, +and nearly starved there; but I did not mind. Have you ever been in +Abinger Forest in the spring when the wortleberry is out? Can the +Elysian fields of Asphodel be more beautiful? Perhaps to others they +might seem so; but not to me. My first glimpse of hope came to me in the +woods at Abinger in a windless, sunny week at Easter. The gipsies gave +me food once or twice. And I ate the scraps that the trippers left after +their picnics at the top of Leith Hill where the tower is. And I lay in +the sun by day and I slept in a stack of bracken by night, and my +strained life relaxed. And I, who had become so hard and bitter, saw at +last what endless love and compassion had been vainly lavished on me, +and I was humbled. I had somehow got it rooted into my warped mind that +I had been cruelly treated, betrayed, abandoned by my friends, by every +one. I had tried hard to forgive them, but I could not. I saw at last +that it was I who had been cruel, I who had betrayed, I who needed +forgiveness; and I asked it of the only Friend I had left, the only +Friend Who never forsakes us. And peace came back and the deep wound in +my life healed. It seemed as if Nature, who had forgotten me for so +long, had pity on me, and took me again to her heart. For I had loved +her years ago, before my husband died. + +"When the weather broke, I took to the road, and the road has given me +back my health, and much more than health. I can see beauty again now. +And there is always beauty in the hedgerow; and wherever the road runs +there is beauty. In the open down, beside the tidal rivers with their +brown sails creeping among the buttercups, everywhere there is beauty. +And I can sleep again now. I learnt how to sleep at Abinger. I had +forgotten how it was done without morphia. O God! I can sleep, every +night, anywhere. It's worth being a tramp for that alone, to be able to +sleep naturally, to know in the daytime that you will have it at night, +and then to lie down and feel it stealing over you like the blessing of +God. I used to wake myself at first for sheer joy when it was coming. +And then to nestle down, and sink into it, down, down into it, till one +reaches the great peace. And no more wakings in torment as the drug +passes off, waking as in some iron grave, unable to stir hand or foot, +unable to beat back the suffocating horror and terror which lies cheek +to cheek with us. No more wakings in hell. No more mornings like that. +But instead, the cool, sweet waking in the crystal light in the open +air. And to see the sun come up, and to lie still against the clean, +fragrant haystack and let it warm you! And to watch the quiet, friendly +beasts rise up in the long meadows! And to wake hungry, instead of that +dreadful, maddening thirst! And to _like_ to eat--how good that is, even +if you go fasting half the day! But I never do. The poor will always +give you enough to eat. It hurts them to see any one hungry. Yes, I have +dropped down the ladder rung by rung, and now I have reached the lowest +rung. And it is a good place, the only safe place for wastrels such as +I, the only refuge from my enemy. There is peace on the lowest rung. I +can do no more harm there, and I have done so much. I was ambitious +once, I was admired and clever once; but I found no abiding city +anywhere. Temptation lurked everywhere. I was driven like chaff before +the wind.... But now I have the road. No one will take the road from me +while I live, or the ditch beside it to die in when my time comes. I am +provided for at last. I lead a clean life at last." + +She sat silent, her dreamy eyes fixed, her thin hands folded one over +the other. I looked at her with an aching heart. What strange mixture +of truth and lies was all this! But I said nothing. What was the use? + +And as we sat silent beside the dying fire the great inequality between +us pressed hard upon me: I, by no special virtue of my own, God knows! +on one of the uppermost rungs of life. She poor soul--poor soul--on the +lowest. + +The clock on the mantelpiece chimed eleven. + +She started slightly, looked at it, and then at me, as if uncertain of +her surroundings, and the shrewd, sardonic look came back to her face. + +"I am keeping you up," she said, rising. "I think your strong coffee has +gone to my head. This outburst of autobiography is a poor return for all +your kindness. I had no idea it was so late or that I could be so +garrulous, and I must make a very early start to-morrow. Shall I go into +the kitchen and put on my own clothes again? They must be quite dry by +now." + +"Oh! let me help you," I said impulsively. "Let me get you into a Home, +or help you to emigrate. Don't go back to this wandering, aimless life. +Work for others, interest in others, that is what _you_ need, what _I_ +need, what we _all_ need to take us out of ourselves, to make us forget +our own misery." + +"I have half forgotten mine already," she said. "To-night I remembered +it again. But I have long since put it from my mind. I think the moment +for a change of clothing in the kitchen has arrived." + +She spoke quietly, but as if her last word were final. I found it +impossible to continue the subject. + +"You will never escape in those clothes," I said. "You haven't the ghost +of a chance. If you will come into my room, I will see what I can find +for you." + +I had been willing to do much more than give her clothes, but I +instinctively felt that my appeal to her better feelings had fallen on +deaf ears. + +She followed me to my bedroom, and I got out all my oldest clothes and +spread them before her. But she would have none of them. + +"The worst look like an ultra-respectable district visitor," she said, +tossing aside one garment after another. It was the more curious that +she should say that because my brother-in-law had always said I looked +like one, and that my books even had a parochial flavour about them. But +then he had never really studied them, or he would have seen their +lighter side. + +"I had no idea pockets were worn in a little slit in the front seam," +said my visitor. "It shows how long it is since I have been 'in the +know.' No doubt front pockets came in with the bicycles. No. It is very +kind of you. But, except for that old dyed moreen petticoat, the things +won't do. I always was particular about dress, and I never was more so +than I am at this moment. You don't happen to have an old black ulster +with all the buttons off, and a bit of mangy fur dropping off the neck? +That's more my style. But of course you haven't." + +"I had one once of that kind; it was so bad that I could not even give +it away. So I put it in the dog's basket. Lindo used to sleep on it. He +loved it, poor dear! It may be there still." + +We went downstairs again, and I pulled Lindo's basket out from under the +stairs. + +The old black wrap was still in it, but it was mildewy and stuck to the +basket. It tore as I released it. It reminded me painfully of my lost +darling. + +"The very thing!" she said, with enthusiasm, as the dilapidated travesty +of a coat shook itself free. "Quiet and unobtrusive to the last degree. +Parisian in colour and simplicity. And mole colour is so becoming. Can +you really spare it? Then with the moreen petticoat I am provided, +equipped." + +We went back to the kitchen again. + +"What will you do with them?" I said, pointing to her convict clothes +which had dried perfectly stiff, owing to the amount of mud on them. How +such quantities of mud could have got on to them was a mystery to me. + +"It certainly does not improve one's clothes, to hide in a wet ditch in +a ploughed field," she said meditatively. "I will dispose of them early +to-morrow morning. I picked a place as I found my way here." + +"Not on _my_ premises?" I said anxiously. + +"Of course not. Do you take me for a monster of ingratitude? I'll manage +that all right." + +I suddenly remembered that she must have food to take with her. I went +to the larder, and when I came back I looked at her with renewed +amazement. + +My dressing-gown and slippers were laid carefully on a chair. The +astonishing woman was a tramp once more, squatting on the brick floor, +drawing on to her bare feet the shapeless excuses for boots which had +been toasting before the fire. + +Then she leaned over the hearth, rubbed her hands in the ashes, and +passed them gently over her face, her neck, her wrists and ankles. She +drew forward and tangled her hair before the kitchen glass. Then she +rolled up her convict clothes into a compact bundle, wiped her right +hand carefully on the kitchen towel, and held it out to me. + +"Remember," I said gravely, taking it in both of mine and pressing it, +"if ever you are in need of a friend, you know to whom to apply. Marion +Dalrymple, Rufford, will always find me." + +I thought I ought not to let her go away without letting her know who I +was. But my name seemed to have no especial meaning for her. Perhaps she +had lived beyond the pale too long. + +"You have indeed been a friend to me," she said. "God bless you, you +good Samaritan! May the world go well with you! Good-night, and thank +you, and good-bye. If you'll give me the stable key, I'll let myself in. +It's a pity you should come out; its raining again. And I'll leave the +stable locked when I go. And the key will be in the lavender bush at the +door. Good-bye again." + + * * * * * + +I did not sleep that night, and in the morning I was so tired that I +made no attempt to work. I had, of course, stolen out before six to +retrieve the stable key from the lavender bush, and hang it on its +accustomed nail. I looked into the stable first. My guest had departed. + +I spent an idle morning musing on the events of the previous evening, if +time thus spent can be called idling. It may seem so to others, but in +my own experience these apparently profitless hours are often more +fruitful than those spent in belabouring the brain to a forced activity. +But then I have always preferred to remain, as the great Molinos +advises, a learner rather than a teacher in the school of life. Early in +the afternoon, as I was on my way to the post-office, my landlord, Mr. +Ledbury, met me. He looked excited, an open telegram in his hand. + +"Have you heard about the escaped convict?" he said. "She has been +taken. She was traced to Bronsal Heath yesterday, and run to earth this +morning at Framlingham." + +He turned and walked with me. He was too much taken up with the news to +notice how I started and how my colour changed. But indeed I flush and +turn pale at nothing. All my life it has been a vexation to me that a +chance word or allusion should bring the colour to my cheek. + +"Poor soul!" he said. "I could almost wish she had made good her escape. +She got out, Heaven alone knows how, to see her child, which she had +heard was ill. But the ground she must have covered in the time! She was +absolutely dead beat when she was taken. And she was not in her prison +clothes. That is so inexplicable. How she got others she alone knows. +Some one must have befriended her, and given them to her--some one very +poor, for she was miserably clad, and the extraordinary thing is that +though she was traced to the deserted cottage on the heath yesterday, +and taken at Framlingham to-day, her prison clothes were found hidden in +my wood-yard, _here_ in my wood-yard, by Zack when he went to his work. +And this place is not on the way to Framlingham. How in the name of +fortune could she have hidden her clothes _here_?" + +"She must have wandered here in the dark," I suggested. + +"I don't understand it," he said, turning in at his own gate. "But +anyhow, the poor thing has been caught." + + * * * * * + +My story should end here. Indeed, to my mind it does end here. And if I +have been persuaded by my family to add a few more lines on the subject, +it is sorely against the grain and against my artistic sense. And I am +conscious that I have been unwise in allowing myself to be over-ruled by +those who have not given their lives to literature as I have done, and +who therefore cannot judge as I can when a story should be brought to a +close. + +I need hardly say that I often thought of my unhappy visitant, often +wondered how she was getting on. A year later I was staying with a +friend in Ipswich who was a visitor at the prison there, and I +remembered how it was to Ipswich she had been brought back, and I asked +to see her. My friend knew her, and told me that she had made no further +attempt to escape, and that she believed the child was dead. It had been +an old promise that she would one day take me over the prison. I claimed +it, and begged that I might be allowed to have a few words with that +particular inmate. It was not according to the regulations, but my +friend was a privileged person. That afternoon I passed with her under +that dreary portal, and after walking along interminable white-washed +passages, and past how many locked and numbered doors, my friend +whispered to a warder, who motioned me to a cell. + +A woman was sitting on her bed with her head in her hands. + +"You have not forgotten me, I hope," I said gently. It may be weak, but +I have never been able to speak ungently to any one in trouble, whatever +the cause may be. I have known too much trouble myself. + +She raised her head slowly, pushed back her hair, and looked at me. + +I had never seen her before. + +I could only stare helplessly at her. + +"But you are not the woman who escaped last October?" I stammered at +last. + +"Yes," she said pathetically, "I am. Who else should I be? What do you +want with me?" + +But I was speechless. It was all so unexpected, so inexplicable. I have +often thought since how much stranger fact is than fiction. The more +interested one is in life and in one's fellow-creatures the more +surprises there are in store for one. With every year I live my sense of +wonder increases, and with it my realisation of my own ignorance. As I +stared amazedly at her, a change came over her face. She looked at me +almost with eagerness. + +"You didn't take me for 'er, did you?" she said hurriedly. "'Er as +'elped me. Did you know 'er? She ain't copped, is she? Don't tell me as +she's copped too." + +"I thought you _were_ her," I said. "I don't know what I thought. I +don't understand it." + +"She found me on a dirty night," she said, "in a tumbledown cottage. I'd +never seen her afore. But she crep' in and found me, and tole me there +was a watch kep' for me at Woodbridge. And she changed clothes with me, +so as to give me a bit of a chance. Mine was fair stiff with mud, for +I'd laid in a wet ditch till night, but they showed the blasted colour +for all that. And she give me all she had on her--her clothes, and a +bite of bread and bacon, and two pence. And it wasn't as if we was pals. +I'd never seen her afore. She stuck at nothing, and she only larfed at +the risk, for they'd have shut her up for certain if they'd caught her. +She said she'd manage some'ow. And she 'eartened me up, and put me on +the road for Wickham, and she said she'd dror away the pursoot by hiding +the prison clothes somewhere in the opsit direction where they could be +found easy by the first fool." + +"She did it," I said. + +"And how did she spare 'em? She'd nuthin' but them." + +"I gave her some more. If she had been my own sister I could not have +done more for her." + +"And she worn't caught, wor she?" + +"Not that I know of. No, I feel sure she never was. I helped her to get +away." + +"I was took in spite of all," said the woman, "and by my own silliness. +But I seed my little Nan alive fust, and that was all I wanted. And I +don't know who she was, nor what she was. She tole me she was a outcast +and a tramp and a good-for-nothing. But there's never been anybody yet, +be they who they may, as done for me what she done. She'd have give me +the skin orf her back if she could 'ave took it orf. And it worn't as if +I knowed her. I'd never set eyes on 'er afore, nor never shall again." + +I have never seen her again, either. + + + + +THE HAND ON THE LATCH + + There came a man across the moor, + Fell and foul of face was he, + He left the path by the cross-roads three, + And stood in the shadow of the door. + + MARY COLERIDGE. + + +She stood at her low window with its uneven, wavering glass, and looked +out across the prairie. A little snow had fallen, not much, only enough +to add a sense of desolation to the boundless plain, the infinite plain +outside the four cramped walls of her log hut. The log hut was like a +tiny boat moored in some vast, tideless, impassable sea. The immensity +of the prairie had crushed her in the earlier years of her married life; +but gradually she had become accustomed to it, then reconciled to it, at +last almost a part of it. The grey had come early to her thick hair, a +certain fixity to the quiet courage of her eyes. Her calm, steadfast +face showed that she was not given to depression, but nevertheless this +evening, as she stood watching for her husband's return, for the first +distant speck of him where the cart-rut vanished into the plain, a sense +of impending misfortune enfolded her with the dusk. Was it because the +first snow had fallen? Ah me! how much it meant. It was as significant +for her as the grey pallor that falls on a sick man's face. It meant the +endless winter, the greater isolation instead of the lesser, the +powerlessness to move hand or foot in that all-enveloping shroud; the +struggle, not for existence--with him beside her that was assured--not +for luxury, she had ceased to care for it, though he had not ceased to +care for her sake, but for life in any but its narrowest sense. Books, +letters, human speech, through the long months these would be almost +entirely denied her. The sudden remembrance of the larger needs of life +flooded her soul, touching to momentary semblance of movement many +things long cherished, but long since dead, like delicate sea-plants +beyond high-water mark, that cannot exist between the long droughts when +the spring tide does not come. She had known what she was doing when, +against the wishes of her family, she of the South had married him of +the North, when she left the busy city life she knew, and clave to her +husband, following him over the rim of the world, as women will follow +while they have feet to follow with. She was his superior in birth, +cultivation, refinement, but she had never regretted what she had done. +The regrets were his for her, for the poverty to which he had brought +her, and to which she had not been accustomed. She had only one regret, +if such a thin strip of a word as regret can be used to describe her +passionate, controlled desolation, immense as the prairie, because she +had no child. Perhaps if they had had children the walls of the log hut +in the waste might have closed in on them less rigidly. It might have +become more of a home. + +Her mind had taken its old mechanical bent, the trend of long habit, as +she looked out from that low window. How often she had stood there and +thought "If only we might have had a child!" And now, by sheer force of +habit, she thought it yet again. And then a slow rapture took possession +of her whole being, mounted, mounted till she leaned against the window +still faint with joy. She was to have a child after all. She had hardly +dared believe it at first; but as time had gone on a vague hope quickly +suppressed as unbearable had turned to suspense, suspense had alternated +with the fierce despair that precedes certainty. Certainty had come at +last, clear and calm and exquisite as dawn. She would have a child in +the spring. What was the winter to her now! Nothing but a step towards +joy. The world was all broken up and made new. The prairie, its great +loneliness, its death-like solitude, were gone out of her life. She was +to have a child in the spring. She had not dared to tell her husband +till she was sure. But she would tell him this evening, when they were +sitting together over the fire. + +She stood motionless in the deepening dusk, trying to be calm. And at +last in the far distance she saw a speck arise as it were out of a +crease in the level earth. Her husband on his horse. How many hundreds +of times she had seen him appear over the rim of the world, just as he +was appearing now. She lit the lamp and put it in the window. She blew +the log fire to a blaze. The firelight danced on the wooden walls, +crowded with cheap pictures, and on the few precious daguerreotypes that +reminded her she too had brothers and sisters and kin of her own, far +away in one of those southern cities where the war was still smouldering +grimly on. + +Her husband took his horse round and stalled him. Presently he came in. +They stood a moment together in silence as their custom was, and she +leaned her forehead against his shoulder. Then she busied herself with +his supper, and he sat down heavily at the little table. + +"Had you any difficulty this time in getting the money together?" she +asked. + +Her husband was a tax collector. + +"None," he said abstractedly; "at least--yes--a little. But I have it +all, and the arrears as well. It makes a large sum." + +He was evidently thinking of something else. She did not speak again. +She saw something was troubling him. + +"I heard news to-day at Philip's," he said at last, "which I don't like. +If I had heard in time, and if I could have borrowed a fresh horse, I +would have ridden straight on to ----. But it was too late in the day +to be safe, and you would have been anxious what had become of me if I +had been out all night with all this money on me. I shall go to-morrow +as soon as it is light." + +They discussed the business which took him to the nearest town thirty +miles away, where their small savings were invested, somewhat +precariously, as it turned out. What was safe, who was safe, while the +invisible war between North and South smouldered on and on? It had not +come near them, but as an earthquake which is engulfing cities in one +part of Europe will rattle a tea-cup without oversetting it on a cottage +shelf half a continent away, so the civil war had reached them at last. + +"I take a hopeful view," he said, but his face was overcast. "I don't +see why we should lose the little we have. It has been hard enough to +scrape it together, God knows. Promptitude and joint action with +Reynolds will probably save it. But I must be prompt." He still spoke +abstractedly, as if even now he were thinking of something else. + +He began to take out of the leathern satchel various bags of money. + +"Shall I help you to count it?" + +She often did so. + +They counted the flimsy dirty paper-money together, and put it all back +into the various labelled bags. + +"It comes right," he said. + +Suddenly she said, "But you can't pay it into the bank to-morrow if you +go to ----." + +"I know," he said looking at her; "that is what I have been thinking of +ever since I heard Philip's news. I don't like leaving you with all this +money in the house; but I must." + +She was silent. She was not frightened for herself, but it was State +money, not their own. She was not nervous as he was, but she had always +shared with him a certain dread of those bulging bags, and had always +been thankful to see him return safe--he never went twice by the same +track--after paying the money in. In those wild days, when men went +armed, with their lives in their hands, it was not well to be known to +have large sums about you. + +He looked at the bags, frowning. + +"I am not afraid," she said. + +"There is no real need to be," he said after a moment. "When I leave +to-morrow morning, it will be thought I have gone to pay it in. +Still----" + +He did not finish his sentence, but she knew what was in his mind: the +great loneliness of the prairie. Out in the white night came the short, +sharp yap of a wolf. + +"I am not afraid," she said again. + +"I shall be gone only one night," he said. + +"I have often been a night alone." + +"I know," he said; "but somehow it's worse leaving you with so much +money in the house." + +"No one knows it will be there." + +"That is true, except that every one knows I have been collecting large +sums." + +"They will think you have gone to pay it in as usual." + +"Yes," he said with an effort. + +Then he got up, and went to his tool-box. She watched him open it, +seeing him in a new light which encompassed him with even greater love. +"If I tell him to-night," she thought, "it will make him still more +anxious about leaving me. Perhaps he would refuse to go, and he must go. +I will not tell him till he comes back." + +The resolution not to speak was like taking hold of a piece of iron in +frost. She had not known it would hurt so much. A new tremulousness, +sweet and strange, passed over her--not cowardice, not fear, not of the +heart nor of the mind, but a sort of emotion of the whole being. + +"I will not tell him," she said again. + +Her husband got out his tools, took up a plank from the floor, and put +the money into a hole beneath it, beside their small valuables, such as +they were, in a biscuit tin. Then he replaced the plank, screwed it +down, and she drew back a small fur mat over the place. He put away the +tools and then came and stood in front of her. He was not conscious of +her transfiguration, and she dropped her eyes for fear of showing it. + +"I shall start early," he said, "as soon as it is light, and I shall be +back before sundown the day after to-morrow. I know it is unreasonable, +but I shall go easier in my mind if you will promise me one thing." + +"What is it?" + +"Not to go out of the house, or to let any one else come in on any +pretence whatever, while I am away," he said. "Bar everything, and stay +inside." + +"I shan't want to go out." + +He made an impatient movement. + +"Promise me that, come what will, you will let no one in during my +absence," he said. + +"I promise." + +"Swear it." + +She hesitated. + +"Swear it, to please me," he said. + +"I swear that I will let no one into the house, on any pretext whatever, +until you come back," she said, smiling at him. + +He sighed and relapsed into his chair, and gave way to the great fatigue +that possessed him. + +The next morning he started soon after daybreak, but not until he had +brought her in sufficient fuel to last several days. There had been more +snow in the night, fine snow like salt, but not enough to make +travelling difficult. She watched him ride away, and silenced the voice +within her which always said as she saw him go, "You will never see him +again; you have heard his voice for the last time." Perhaps, after all, +the difference between the brave and the cowardly lies in how they deal +with that voice. Both hear it. She silenced it instantly. It spoke +again, more insistently, "You have heard his voice, felt his kiss, for +the last time. He will never see the face of his child." She silenced it +again, and went about her work. + +The day passed as countless other days had passed. She was accustomed to +be much alone. She had work to do, enough and to spare, within the +little home which was to become a real home, please God, in the spring. +The evening fell almost before she expected it. She locked and barred +the doors, and closed the shutters of the windows. She made all secure, +as she had done many a time before. + +And then, putting aside her work, she took down the newest of her +well-worn books, lately sent her from New Orleans, and began to read. + + Oui, sans doute, tout meurt: ce monde est un grand reve, + Et le peu de bonheur qui nous vient en chemin, + Nous n'avons pas plus tot ce roseau dans la main, + Que le vent nous l'enleve. + +"Que le vent nous l'enleve." She repeated the last words to herself. Ah +no! the wind could not take her happiness out of her hand. + +A wandering wind had risen at nightfall, and it came softly across the +snow, and tried the doors and windows as with a furtive hand. She could +hear it coming as from an immense distance, passing with a sigh, +returning plaintive, homeless, forlorn, to whisper round the house. + + J'ai vu sous le soleil tomber bien d'autres choses + Que les feuilles des bois, et l'ecume des eaux, + Bien d'autres s'en aller que le parfum des roses + Et le chant des oiseaux. + +That wind meant more snow. Involuntarily she laid down her book and +listened to it. + +How like the sound of the wind was to wandering footsteps, slowly +drawing near, creeping round the house. She could almost have fancied +that a hand touched the shutters, was even now trying to raise the latch +of the door. + +A moment of intense silence, in which the wind seemed to hold its breath +and listen without, while she listened within. And then a low, distinct +knock upon the door. + +She did not move. + +"It is the wind," she said to herself; but she knew it was not. + +The knock came again, low, urgent, not to be denied. + +She had become very cold. She had supposed fear was an emotion of the +mind. She had not reckoned for this slow paralysis of the body. + +She managed to creep to the window and unbar the shutter an inch or two. +By pressing her face against the extreme corner of the pane she could +just discern in the snowlight part of a man's figure, wrapped in a long +cloak. + +She barred the window once more. She was not surprised. She knew now +that she had known it always. She had pretended to herself that the +thief would not come; but she was expecting him when he knocked. And he +stood there, outside. Presently he would be inside. + +He knocked yet again, this time more loudly. What need was there for +silence when for miles and miles round there was no ear to hear save +that of a chance prairie dog? + +She laid hold upon her courage, seeing that it was her only refuge, and +went to the door. + +"Who is there?" she said through a chink. + +A man's voice, low and feeble, replied, "Let me in." + +"I cannot let you in." + +There was a short silence. + +"I pray you, let me in," he said again. + +"I have told you I cannot. Who are you?" + +"I am a soldier, wounded. I'm trying to get back to my friends at ----." +He mentioned a settlement about fifty miles north. "I have missed my +way, and I can't drag myself any farther." + +Her heart swung violently between suspicion and compassion. + +"I am alone in the house," she said. "My husband is away, and he made me +promise not to let any one in on any pretence whatever during his +absence." + +"Then I shall die on your doorstep," said the voice. "I can't drag +myself any farther." + +There was another silence. + +"It is beginning to snow," he said. + +"I know," she said, and he heard the trouble in her voice. + +"Open the door and look at me," he said, "and see if I can do you any +harm." + +She opened the door, and stood on the threshold, barring the way. He was +leaning against the doorpost with his head against it, as she had often +seen her husband lean when he was talking to her on a summer evening. +Something in his attitude, so like her husband's, touched her strangely. +Supposing he were in need, and pleaded for help in vain! + +The man turned his face towards her. It was sunk and hollow, ravaged +with pain, an evil-looking face. His right arm was in a sling under his +tattered military cloak. He seemed to have made his final effort, and +now stood staring dumbly at her. + +"My husband will never forgive me," she said, with a sort of sob. + +He said nothing more. He seemed at the last point of exhaustion. Through +the dim white night a few flakes of snow fell upon his harsh, repellent +face and on his bandaged arm. + +A sudden wave of pity carried all before it. + +She beckoned him into the house, and locked and barred the door. She put +him in her husband's chair by the fire. He hardly noticed anything. He +seemed stupefied. He sat staring alternately at the fire and at her. +When she asked him to which regiment he belonged, he did not answer. + +She set before him the supper she had prepared for herself, and chafed +his hard, emaciated, dirty hand till the warmth returned to it. Then he +ate, with difficulty at first, then with slow voracity, all she had put +before him. + +A semblance of life returned gradually to him. + +"I was pretty near done up when I knocked," he said several times. + +She dressed his wound, which did not appear very deep, wrapped it in +fresh bandages, and readjusted his sling. He took it all as a matter of +course. + +She made up a little bed of rugs and blankets for him in the back +kitchen. When she came back to the living-room, she found he had dragged +himself to his feet, and was looking vacantly at a little picture of +President Lincoln on the mantelshelf. She showed him the bed and told +him to lie down on it. He obeyed her implicitly, like a child. She left +him, and presently heard him cast himself down. A few minutes later she +went to the door and listened. His heavy, regular breathing told her he +was asleep. + +She went back to the kitchen, and sat down by the fire. + +Was he really asleep? Was it all feigned, the wound, the story, the +exhaustion? Had she been trapped? Oh! what had she done? What had she +done? + +She seemed like two people. One self, silent, alert, experienced, +fearless, knew that she had allowed herself to be deluded, in spite of +being warned; knew that her feelings had been played upon, made use of, +not even dexterously made use of; knew that she had disobeyed her +husband, broken her solemn oath to him, plunged him with herself into +disgrace if the money were stolen. And in the eyes of that self it was +already stolen. It was still under the plank beneath her feet, but it +was already stolen. + +The other self, tremulous, inconsequent, full of irresistible tenderness +for suffering and weakness even in its uncouthest garb, said +incessantly, "I could do no less. If I die for it, still I could do no +less. Somebody brought him into the world. Some woman cried for joy and +anguish when he was born. He would have died if I had not taken him in. +I could do no less." + +Through the long hours she sat by the fire, unable to reconcile herself +to going upstairs to her own room and to bed. + +Once she got up and noiselessly took down her husband's revolver from +the mantelshelf, and examined it. He had taken its fellow with him, and +apparently, contrary to his custom, he had taken the powder-flask with +him too, for it was gone from its nail. The revolvers were always kept +loaded, but--by some evil chance--the one that remained was unloaded. +She could have sworn she had seen her husband load it two days ago. Why +was this numbness creeping over her again? She got out powder and +bullets from a small store she had of her own, loaded and primed it, and +laid it on the table beside her. + +The night had become very still. Her hearing seemed to reach out till +she felt she could have heard a coyote move in its hole miles away. The +log fire creaked and shifted. The tall clock in the corner ticked, +catching its chain now and then as its manner was. The wooden walls +shrunk and groaned a little. The small home-like sounds only accentuated +the enormous silence without. Suddenly in the midst of them a real sound +fell upon her ear--very low, but different, not like the fragmentary +inadvertent murmur of the hut; a small, purposeful, stealthy, sound, +aware of itself. She listened, as she had listened before, without +moving. It was not louder than the whittling of a mouse behind the +wainscot, hardly louder than the scraping of a mole's thin hand in the +soil. It continued. Then it stopped. It was only her foolish fancy after +all. There it was again. Where did it come from? + +_The man in the next room?_ + +She took up the lamp and crept down the narrow passage to the door of +the back kitchen. His loud, even breathing sounded distinctly through +the crannies of the ill-fitting door. Surely it was overloud. She +listened to it. She could hear nothing else. Was his breathing a +pretence? She opened the door noiselessly, and went in, shading the +light with her hand. + +She bent over the sleeping man. At the first glance her heart sank, for +he had not taken off his boots. But as she looked hard at him her +suspicions died within her. He lay on his back with his coarse, +emaciated face towards her, his mouth open, showing his broken teeth. +The sleep of utter exhaustion was upon him. She could have killed him +as he lay. He was not acting. He was really asleep. + +She crept out of the room again, leaving the door ajar, and went back to +the kitchen. + +Hardly had she sat down when she heard the sound again. It was too faint +to reach her except when she was in the kitchen. She knew now where it +came from--_the door_. Some one was picking the lock. + +The instant the sleeping man was out of her sight she suspected him +again. + +Was he really asleep after all? He had not taken off his boots. When she +came back from making his bed she had found him standing by the +mantelshelf. Had he unloaded the pistol in her absence? Would he +presently get up, and open the door to his confederates? + +Her mind rose clear and cold and unflinching. She took up the pistol, +and then laid it down again. She wanted a more noiseless weapon. She got +out her husband's great clasp-knife from the open tool-box, took the +lamp, and crept back to the man's bedside. She should be able to kill +him--certainly she should be able to kill him; and then she should have +the pistol for the other one. + +But he still slept heavily. When she saw him again, again her +suspicions fell from her. She _knew_ he was asleep. + +She shook him by the shoulder, noiselessly, but with increasing +violence, until he opened his eyes with a groan. Then only she +remembered that she was shaking his wounded arm. He saw the knife in her +hand, and raised his left arm as if to ward off the blow. + +"Listen," she whispered, close to his ear. "Don't speak. There is a man +trying to break into the house. You must get up and help me." + +He stared at her, vaguely at first, but with growing intelligence. The +food and sleep had restored him somewhat to himself. He sat up on the +couch. + +"Take off my boots," he whispered; "I tried, and could not." + +Her last suspicion of him vanished. She cut the laces with her knife, +and dragged his boots off. They stuck to his feet, and bits of the +woollen socks came off with them. They had evidently not been taken off +for weeks. While she did it, he whispered, "Why should any one be +wanting to break in? There's nothing here to take." + +"Yes, there is," she said. "There's a lot of money." + +"Good Lord! Where?" + +"Under the floor in the kitchen." + +"Then it's the kitchen they'll make for. You bet they know where the +money is, if they know it's here. Are there many of 'em?" + +"I don't know." + +"Well, we shall know soon enough," said the man. He had become alert, +keen. "Have you any pistols?" + +"Yes, one." + +"Fetch it, but don't make a sound, mind." + +She stole away, and returned with the pistol. She would have put it into +his hand, but he pushed it away. + +"It's no use to me," he said, "with my arm in a sling. I will see what I +can do with my left hand and the knife. Can you shoot?" + +"Yes." + +"Can you hit anything?" + +"Yes." + +"To be depended on?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, it's darned lucky. How long will that door hold?" + +They were both in the little passage by now, pressed close together, +listening to the furtive pick, pick, of some one at the lock. + +"I don't think it will hold more than a minute." + +"Now, look here," he said, "I shall go and stand at the foot of the +stair, and knife the second man, if there is a second. The first man +I'll leave to you. There's a bit of light outside from the snow. He'll +let in enough light to see him by as he opens the door. Don't wait. Fire +at him as he comes in, and don't stop; go on firing at him till he +drops. You've got six bullets. Don't you make any mistake and shoot me. +I've had enough of that already. Now, you look carefully where I'm going +to stand and when I'm there you put out the lamp." + +He spoke to her as a man does to his comrade. + +That she could be frightened did not seem to enter his calculations. He +moved with cat-like stealth to the foot of the tiny staircase, and +flattened himself against the wall. Then he stretched his left arm once +or twice as if to make sure of it, licked the haft of the knife, and +nodded at her. + +She instantly put out the lamp. + +All was dark save for a faint thread of light which outlined the door. +Across the thread something moved once--twice. The sound of picking +ceased. Then another sound succeeded it, a new one, unlike the last, as +if something was being gently prized open, wrenched. + +"The bar will hold," she said to herself; and then remembered for the +first time that the rung into which the bar slid had been loose these +many days. It was giving now. + +It had given! + +The door opened silently, and a man came in. + +For a moment she saw him clear with the accomplice snowlight behind him. +She did not hesitate. She shot once and again. He fell, and struggled +violently up, and she shot again. He fell, and dragged himself to his +knees, and she shot again. Then he sank gently and slowly down, as if +tired, with his face against the wall, and moved no more. + +The man on the stairs rushed out and looked through the open door. + +"By G----! he was single-handed," he said. + +Then he stooped over the prostrate man, and turned him over on his +back. + +"Dead!" he said, chuckling. "Well done, missus! Stone dead!" + +He was masked. + +The dirty left hand tore the mask callously off the grey face. + +The woman had drawn near, and looked over his shoulder. + +"Do you know him?" said the man. + +For a moment she did not answer, and the pistol which had done its work +so well dropped noisily out of her palsied hand. + +"He is a stranger to me," she said, looking fixedly at her husband's +fading face. + + + + +SAINT LUKE'S SUMMER + +_IN TWO PARTS_ + + +PART I + + When the world's asleep, + I awake and weep, + Deeply sighing, say, + "Come, O break of day, + Lead my feet in my beloved's way." + + MARGARET L. WOODS. + +When first I knew Aunt Emmy I suppose she was about twenty-eight. I was +ten, and I thought her old, but still an agreeable companion, infinitely +pleasanter than her father and her brother, with whom she lived. She was +not my real aunt, but her father was my great-uncle, and I always called +her Aunt Emmy. Great-uncle Thomas and Uncle Tom were persons to be +avoided, stout, heavy, bullet-headed, bull-necked, throat-clearing men, +loud nose-blowers, loud soup-eaters, who reeked of tobacco when it was +my horrid duty to kiss them, and who addressed me in jocular terms when +they remembered my existence, of which I was always loth to remind them. +With these two horrors, whom she loved, Aunt Emmy lived. She was wrapped +up in them. I have actually seen her kiss Uncle Thomas when it was not +necessary, when he was asleep; and she admired Uncle Tom very much too, +though she seldom kissed him, I believe by his wish. He used to say +something about sister's kisses being like cold veal. I don't suppose he +invented that himself. He was always picking up things like that out of +a rose-coloured paper, and firing them off as his own. Uncle Tom was +tall and portly, and a wag out of office hours, with a moustache that, +in spite of all his efforts, would not turn up, but insisted on making a +melancholy inner semicircle just a size smaller than the rubicund circle +of his face. How I hated kindly, vulgar Uncle Tom! I used to pray that +he might die before the holidays. But he never did. I see now that Uncle +Tom was far, far worse than Uncle Thomas, who had had a stroke, and was +a kind of furious invalid who could not speak clearly, or eat anything +except things that were bad for him. But when I was a child, and first +began to spend my holidays in Pembridge Square, I regarded them both +with the same repulsion. + +Aunt Emmy was different. I know now that she must have been a remarkably +pretty woman, but I did not notice that at the time. But a faint, +indefinable fragrance seemed to envelop her. I loved to stroke her soft +white hand, and to turn the emerald ring on her third finger, and to +lean against her soft shoulder. Aunt Emmy's cheek was very soft too, and +so was her full, silky hair, which she wore parted all her life, though +it was never the fashion to do so that I can remember, though I am told +it is now the _dernier cri_ among the _debutantes_. Aunt Emmy had a +beautifully shaped head, and the whitest brow and neck that I have ever +seen. And she had a low voice, and was very dignified. I do not think +that she was a very wise woman, or that she had ever wrestled with the +deeper problems of life, or that the mystery of pain had ever caused her +faith to totter. But she was very good to live with. She devoted +herself. + +She never had her own way in anything that I can remember. The house +never represented her. The furniture was leathern and velvet and +stout-looking, the kind of furniture which seems to aim at being more or +less exact moulds of the forms of middle-aged men. The armchairs were +like commodious hip-baths in plush. Aunt Emmy and I were lost in them. I +remember once walking as a child through the wilderness of armchairs at +Maple's and thinking they all looked like Uncle Tom. A good deal of +Utrecht velvet had gone to the upholstering of that house in Pembridge +Square. It was comfortable, airless, flowerless, with gravy-coloured +walls. As I grew older I wondered why it was all so ugly and dreary. But +I found there were less means than I had supposed, and though the +cooking remained excellent, flowers and new chintzes were dispensed with +as unnecessary. Aunt Emmy opened a window surreptitiously now and then, +but Uncle Thomas and Uncle Tom hated draughts, and they did not get off +to sleep so quickly after dinner if the drawing-room had been aired +during the meal. The dining-room windows were never opened at all, +except when Uncle Thomas was too unwell to come in and Uncle Tom was +away. + +Many men had wished to marry Aunt Emmy; not only sedentary professional +men in long frock-coats, full to the brim of the best food, like Uncle +Tom; but nice, lean, hungry-looking, open-air men who were majors, or +country squires, or something interesting of that kind, whose clothes +sat well on them, and who drew up in the Row on little skittish, +curveting polo-ponies when Aunt Emmy and I walked there. I once asked +her, after a certain good-looking Major Stoddart had ridden on, why she +did not marry, but she only said reprovingly, with great dignity: + +"You don't understand such matters, my dear, or you would know that I +could not possibly leave your Uncle Thomas." + +I was silenced. I felt with bitterness that this could not be her whole +reason for celibacy, but that, owing to the purely superficial fact that +my hair was still in a pigtail, she supposed I was unable to comprehend +"lots of things" that I felt I understood perfectly, and on which my +mind was already working with an energy which would have surprised her +had she guessed it. + +By this time I worshipped Aunt Emmy, who represented in my somewhat +colourless orphaned existence the beautiful and romantic side of life. +Aunt Emmy looked romantic, and the contrast between her refined, gentle +self-effacement and the commonplace egotism of her two men was of the +glaring nature which appeals to a young girl's imagination. + +I never forgot Major Stoddart, and when I was eighteen, and had left +school and was living in Pembridge Square, I had the good fortune to +come in for the remains of a scene between Aunt Emmy and Uncle Tom--the +very day after I had turned up my hair. + +It was at luncheon, to which I came in late. Uncle Thomas was in bed +with gout, and Uncle Tom did not consider me of enough consequence to +matter. He had not realised even _now_ that I was a grown-up woman. +Looking back after all these years, I am not sure that he was not astute +enough to hope that I might prove an ally. + +"What you have got to do, Emmy, is to think of the future," he was +saying, scooping all the visible eggs out of an aspic pie. "It's no +manner of use living only in the present. You think this comfortable +home will go on for ever, where you have lived in luxury. It won't. It +can't. It's not in the nature of things. I saw Blackett yesterday +(Blackett was the doctor), and he told me that if the governor's gout +rises--and nothing he can do can keep it down--he won't last more than a +year at longest. In the nature of things," Uncle Tom continued, bolting +half an egg, "I shall then marry. In fact--in short----" + +"Has Miss Collett accepted you?" said Aunt Emmy tremulously. + +Miss Collett was a person of means, and of somewhat bulged attractions +for those who admire size, of whom Uncle Tom had often spoken as a +deuced fine woman. + +"She has," said Uncle Tom. "I made pretty sure of that before I said +anything myself. Nothing immediate, you understand; but eventually--when +the old governor goes--I don't want to hurry him, Lord knows; but when +the old man does pop off, I shall--bring her here." + +I looked round the room. I had seen Miss Collett, and the mahogany and +ormolu dining-room, with its great gilt mirrors, seemed a fitting +background for her. + +"I am very glad, dear Tom," said Aunt Emmy. "I think you and she will be +very well suited, and I am sure she is very lucky, though I suppose I +should never think any one _quite_ good enough." + +"Oh! that's all right," said Uncle Tom. "And as for the luck, it's all +on my side." + +He did not really think this, I knew, but it was the right thing to say, +so he said it. + +"But I am not thinking only of myself," he continued. "There is you to +be considered." + +Aunt Emmy dropped her eyes. + +"You mean, where I shall live," she said faintly. + +"Just so. Just so. You speak like a sensible woman. We must not forget +you." Uncle Tom was becoming visibly uneasy. "And I may as well tell you +now, old girl--prepare your mind beforehand, don't you know--that the +governor has not been able to leave you as much as he wished, as we +_both_ wished. The truth is, what with one thing and another, and nearly +all his capital tied up in the business, and this house on a long lease +and expensive to keep up, with the best will in the world the poor old +pater _can't_ do much for you." + +"It will be enough," said Aunt Emmy. + +"It will be the interest of seven thousand pounds at three and a half +per cent.," said Uncle Tom brutally, because he was uncomfortable, +"about two hundred and thirty pounds a year." + +"It will be ample," said Aunt Emmy. I knew by the faint colour in her +cheeks that the conversation was odious to her. "Dear Tom, let us talk +of something else." + +"We will," said Uncle Tom, with unexpected mental agility, and with the +obvious relief of a man who has got safely round a difficult corner. "We +will. Now, how about Colonel Stoddart?" + +My heart beat suddenly. I was beginning to see life--at last. + +"There is nothing to say about him," said Aunt Emmy. + +"A good chap, and a gentlemanly chap," said Uncle Tom urbanely, leaning +back in his chair. "Eton, the 'varsity, and all that sort of thing. +Quite one of ourselves. Old family, and a warm man. And suitable in age. +_My_ age. Thirty-nine. (Uncle Tom was really forty-one.) You're no +chicken yourself, you know, Emmy. Thirty-eight, though I own you don't +look it, my dear. Well, what's the matter with Colonel Stoddart, I +should like to know?" + +"Nothing." + +"Well, I'm glad to hear it, for he tells me you refused him again only +last week. Now, look here. One moment, please. Don't speak. I call it +Providence, downright Providence," and Uncle Tom rapped the table with a +thick finger. "And yet you won't look at him. I don't say marry him out +of hand. Of course," Uncle Tom added hurriedly, "you can't leave the old +pater while he is above ground. There's no question of that. But I _do_ +say, Give the fellow a chance. He's been dangling after you for years. +Tell him that some day----" + +Aunt Emmy rose from the table, and laid down her napkin. + +"Now, look here, old girl," said Uncle Tom, not unkindly, "don't get +your feathers up with me. Think better of it. You know this sort of +first-class opportunity may not occur again. It really may not. If it +isn't Providence, I'm sure I don't know what it is. And I believe your +only reason for refusing him is because of Bob Kingston. Now, don't fly +in the face of Providence just out of a bit of rotten sentiment which +you ought to be ashamed of at your age." + +My brain reeled. I had never heard of Bob Kingston. I said "Good God!" +to myself, not because it was natural to me to use such an expression, +but because I felt it was suitable to the occasion and to a person whose +hair was done up. + +"Tom," said Aunt Emmy, her soft eyes blazing, "I desire that you will +never allude to Mr. Kingston again." + +She left the room, and I did the same, with what I hope was a withering +glance at the open-mouthed Uncle Tom, who for days afterwards +interlarded his conversation with the refrain that he was blessed if he +could understand women. + +But I dared not follow Aunt Emmy to her little sitting-room at the top +of the house. She who was almost never alone, clung, I knew, to that +tiny refuge, and it was an understood thing between us that I might +creep in and sit with her a little after tea, but not before. + +So I raged up and down the empty gilded and mirrored drawing-room, +finding myself quite unable to reconcile the situation with my faith in +a beneficent Deity; and then consoled myself by chronicling my tottering +faith in my diary. I wrote a diary until I married. Then, I suppose, I +became more interested in life than in recording my own feelings. At +any rate, I discontinued it. + +At last, when Aunt Emmy did not come down for tea, I took her a cup. + +She was sitting in a low chair with her back to the light. I could see +that she had been crying, but she was quite calm. She had a suspiciously +clean pocket-handkerchief in her hand. Her sitting-room was a small +north chamber under the roof, but it was the place I liked best in the +house. On her rare expeditions abroad, before Uncle Thomas had become +too ill to be left, she had picked up some quaint pieces of pottery and +a few old Italian mirrors. The little white room with its pale blue +linen coverings had an atmosphere and a refinement of its own. It was +spring, and there was a bunch of daffodils near the open window in a +blue-and-white oil-jar with _Ole Scorpio_ on it. + +Aunt Emmy drank some tea, and remarked that I made it better than she +did. + +"Your Uncle Tom has a very kind heart," she said, looking a little +pugnaciously at me. "It is so like him, just when he might naturally be +taken up with his own affairs, to be anxious about me." + +We each knew the other was not deceived. + +I longed to say, "Why not marry Colonel Stoddart?" + +I had only seen him on horseback. I did not know how he looked on the +ground, but I would have married him myself in a second if he had asked +me, partly no doubt because he was a little like Lord K----, the hero of +my teens to whom I had never spoken, and partly because he was the exact +opposite of Uncle Tom. How Miss Collett _could_! How anybody could! Yet +Uncle Tom always talked as if he had only to choose among the flower of +English womanhood, and the stouter and more repellent he grew the more +communicative and conscientious he became about his fear of raising +expectations in female bosoms which he might not be able to gratify. How +I scorned Uncle Tom when he talked like that, knowing as I did--but +neither he nor Aunt Emmy knew I knew (it was always like that, they +always thought I did not know things)--knowing as I did that Miss Rose +Delaine and Miss Wright had both refused him. I did not realise in my +intolerant youth that the anxiety of some middle-aged bachelors still to +appear eligible, the way their minds hover round imaginary conquests, +has its pathetic side. Looking back, I believe now that Miss Collett was +not by any means poor Uncle Tom's first choice, but his last chance. And +perhaps he was her last chance too. + +"I know father is dying. I have known it some time," said Aunt Emmy, and +her face became convulsed. "He spoke so beautifully about it only +yesterday. And I have known for a long time that Tom and Miss Collett +were likely to come to an arrangement." + +She had not a grain of irony in her, but no word could have been more +applicable to Uncle Tom and Miss Collett than an arrangement. One felt +that each had measured the other by avoirdupois weight, and had found +the balance even. + +"Is Uncle Thomas opposed to your marrying?" I ventured to say, with the +tact of eighteen. + +"No, my dear; that is what is so wonderful. He was so dreadfully against +it long ago--once--indeed, until quite lately. But it's no use speaking +of that. But now he is quite anxious for it, so long as I don't leave +him. He wants me to promise Colonel Stoddart, but to tell him that I +could not leave my father during his lifetime, which of course I +couldn't." + +"Won't Colonel Stoddart wait?" I said, waxing bolder. I had slipped down +on the floor beside her and was stroking her white hand. I hoped I was +saying the right thing. I was adoringly fond of her, but I was also +eighteen, and this was my first introduction to a real romance. I was +feverishly anxious to rise to the occasion, to have nothing to regret in +retrospect. + +"I daresay he would. I think he said something about it," she said +apathetically. + +I remembered a beautiful sentence I had read in a novel about +confidences being mutual, and I said reproachfully, "Aunt Emmy, I have +told you _all_ about Lord K----; won't you tell me, just me, no one +else--about Mr. Kingston?" + +And she told me. I think it was a relief to speak to some one. I held my +cheek against her hand all the time. It seemed that a sort of demigod of +the name of Kingston had alighted in her life when she was nineteen (I +felt with a pang that I had still a whole year to wait) and he was +twenty-one. Aunt Emmy waxed boldly eloquent in her description of his +unique and heroic character, shyly eloquent in her dispassionate +indication of his almost terrifying beauty. + +I think Aunt Emmy became a girl in her teens again for a few minutes, +carried away by her memory, and by the idolising sympathy of the other +girl in her teens at her feet in a seventh heaven at being a confidant. +But in one sense, on the sentimental plane, she had never ceased to be a +girl. She and I viewed the situation almost from the same standpoint. + +"Aunt Emmy, _was_ he tall?" + +"He was, my love." + +"And slender?" + +My whole life hung in the balance. I had all a young girl's repulsion +towards stout men. + +"He was thin and wiry, and very athletic, a great rider." + +I gave a sigh of relief. + +"Did his--it does not really matter" (I felt the essentials were all +right and that I must not ask too much of life)--"but did his hair +curl?" + +Aunt Emmy drew out of her bosom a little locket, hanging by a thin gold +chain, with a forget-me-not in blue enamel on it, and opened it. Inside +was a curl of chestnut hair. It was not tied in the shape of a curl. It +was a real curl. + +I looked at it with awe. + +Aunt Emmy answered my highest expectations at every point. I had never +seen that enamel locket before. Yet I divined at once that she had worn +it under her clothes--as indeed she had, day and night for how many +years! I felt that I would not care how it ended, happily or unhappily, +if only I might have a romance and a locket like that. + +"He gave it me when we parted eighteen years ago," she said, her voice +quivering a little. + +I knew well that lovers always did part. They invariably severed, +"severed for years." I was not the least surprised to hear he was gone, +for I was already learning "In the Gloaming," and trilled it forth in a +thin, throaty voice which Aunt Emmy said was remarkably like what hers +had been at my age. + +"Why were you parted?" I asked. + +"He had not any money, and he had his way to make. And he had an uncle +out there who wanted him to go to him. It was a good opening, though he +would not have taken it if it had not been for me, for though he was so +fond of horses he was not the kind of person for that kind of life, +sheep and things. He cared so much for books and poetry. And your Uncle +Thomas was very much against my marrying at that time, in fact, he +positively forbade it. You see, mother was dead, and your Uncle Thomas +had become more dependent on me than he was quite aware until there was +a question of my leaving him. Men are like that, my love. They need a +woman all the time to look after them, and listen to their talk, and +keep vexatious things away. And he was always a most tender father. He +said he could not bear the thought of his only daughter roughing it in +Australia. He said he would withdraw his opposition if--if--Bob (Bob was +his name) came home with a sufficient fortune to keep me in comfort in +England." + +"And he never did?" + +"He went out to try. I felt sure he would, and he felt sure he would. At +twenty-two it seems as if fortunes can be made if it is really +necessary. And I promised to wait for him, and he was to work to win +me." + +I could not refrain from shedding a tear. It was all so beautiful, so +far beyond anything I could have hoped. I pressed Aunt Emmy's hand in +silence, and she went on: + +"But there were bad seasons, and though he worked and worked, and though +he did get on, still, you could not call it a fortune. And after five +years had passed he wrote to say that he was making a living, and his +uncle had taken him into partnership, and could not I come out to him. +He had built an extra room on purpose for me. Your Uncle Thomas was +terribly angry when the letter came, because he had always been against +my emigrating, and he forbade any further correspondence. Men are very +high-handed, my love, when you come to live with them. We were not +allowed to write after that. Do you know, my dear, I became so +distressed that I had thoughts--I actually contemplated running away to +Australia?" + +"Oh! why didn't you?" I groaned. That, of course, was the obvious +solution of the difficulty. + +"Very soon after that your Uncle Thomas had his stroke, and after that +of course I could not leave him." + +"Could not we do it still?" I suggested. Of course I took for granted +that I should be involved in the elopement, as the confidential friend +who carries a little reticule with jewels in it, and sustains throughout +the spirits of the principal eloper. + +"_Now!_" said Aunt Emmy, and for a moment a violent emotion disfigured +her sweet face. "Now. Oh! my child, all this happened fifteen years ago, +when you were a toddling baby." + +"I wish to Heaven I had been as old then as I am now," I said with +clenched hands. I felt that I could have vanquished Uncle Thomas and +Uncle Tom, and all this conspiracy against my darling Aunt Emmy's +happiness. + +"And is he still--still----?" I ventured. + +"I don't know whether he is still--free. I have not heard from him for +fifteen years. Uncle Thomas was very firm about the correspondence. He +is a very decided character, especially since his stroke, and I have +ceased to hear anything at all about him since his mother died twelve +years ago." + +To me twelve years ago was as in the time of Noah. Yet here was Aunt +Emmy, to whom it was all as fresh as yesterday. + +"When she died," said Aunt Emmy, "she was ill for a long time before, +and I used to go and sit with her. She was fond of me, but she never +quite did your Uncle Thomas justice. When she died she sent me this +ring." She touched the beautiful emerald ring she always wore. "She said +she had left it to him, and he had asked that she would send it to me. +It had been her own engagement ring." + +"Why don't you wear it on your engaged finger?" + +"I did at first. It was a kind of comfort to me. But Uncle Tom was +constantly vexed with me about it. He said it might keep things off. He +is a very practical person, Uncle Tom, a very shrewd man of business, +I'm told. So, to please him, I wear it in the daytime on my right hand." + +By this time I was shedding tears of sheer sensibility. + +"I have thought of him day and night; there has not been a night I have +not remembered him in my prayers for nearly twenty years. It will be +twenty years next April. How could I begin to think of any one else +_now_, Colonel Stoddart or any one? Uncle Tom is very clever, and so is +your Uncle Thomas, but I don't think they have ever _quite_ understood +what I feel about Mr. Kingston." + +An electric bell in a little box over the door rang in a furious manner. + +Aunt Emmy was on her feet in a second, smoothing her fair hair at the +Venetian mirror. + +"Your Uncle Thomas is awake," she said, "and is ready to be read to. He +never likes being kept waiting." + +This seemed to be the case, for as she left the room the electric bell +rang again more furiously than before, and I shook my fist at it. + + +PART II + + If some star of heaven + Led him by at even, + If some magic fate + Brought him, should I wait, + Or fly within and bid them close the gate? + + MARGARET L. WOODS. + +The following year I suddenly married a soldier, the only young man I +knew, and I knew him very slightly, and went out to India with him. I +did not forget Aunt Emmy, we corresponded regularly; but I was young +and my life was a very full one. I had seen nothing of the world till I +married. I had a child. The years rushed past, joyful, miserable, vivid, +surprising, happy years, in spite of the fact that my husband was not +remarkably like Lord K----in appearance, and not in the least like the +"plaister saint" with whom I had hurried to the altar on such slight +provocation. + +During these years Uncle Thomas died, and Uncle Tom married, and Aunt +Emmy wrote to me that she had taken a little cottage in Abinger Forest +against her brother's advice, and how, in spite of his opposition--how +much it must have cost her to oppose him--he had forgiven her and +presented her with the most expensive mahogany bedstead and bedding that +Maple could supply--"so like him." + +I wondered vaguely once or twice whether there had been any question of +her marrying Mr. Kingston, but there was no mention of him in her +letters, and I did not like to ask. I knew that she was very poor, but +presently my heart was gladdened by hearing from her that a distant +relation had left her a legacy, and that she was now comfortably off. + +Then suddenly our life was darkened. Our child died. I struggled with +my grief, became ill, and was sent home. Aunt Emmy urged me to go +straight to her. She and Uncle Tom were my only near relations in +England. He also offered to take me in for a time. He wrote with real +kindness. He had a child himself. And his wife wrote too. But I need +hardly say that I took my sore heart and my broken health straight to +Aunt Emmy. + +It was late in August when I arrived. The honeysuckle was still in bloom +on Aunt Emmy's white cottage, standing in its little orchard in a +clearing in the forest. She was waiting for me in the porch, and I ran +feebly to her up the narrow brick path between the tall clumps of +hollyhocks and Michaelmas daisies; and she drew me into the little +parlour and held me closely to her. And the years rolled away, and I was +a child again, and she was comforting me for my broken doll. + +With the egotism of youth I fear I had not given a thought to Aunt +Emmy's new home until I entered it. I knew that she was happy in it, and +that it had once been a gamekeeper's cottage, but that was about all. +Nowadays every one has a cottage--it is the fashion; and literary men +and women, tired of adulatory crowds, weary of their own greatness, flee +from the metropolis, and write exquisite articles about their gardens, +and the peace that lurks under a thatched roof, and the simple life, +lived far from shrilling crowds but near to nature, and _very_ near to +the Deity. Fortunate Deity! + +But in the days of which I am writing cottages and their floral and +spiritual appurtenances were not the rage. + +I never realised until I saw Aunt Emmy in a home of her own how much +taste she possessed, or how pretty a cottage could be. It did not try to +look like a house. It was just a cottage, standing amid its apple-trees, +now red with apples, with its old well half hidden in clumps of +lavender. The little dwelling itself, with its low ceilings and long oak +beams and dim colouring and quaint furniture, had a certain austere +charm, a quiet dignity of its own. The sunny air came softly in through +wide-open latticed windows, bringing with it the scent of mignonette. +There had never been a breath of air in the house in Pembridge Square. +_Ole Scorpio_, that friend of my youth, looked peaceful and complacent +in a little recess in which his soft colouring and perfect figure showed +to great advantage against a white-washed wall in shadow. + +Aunt Emmy herself, in a gown of some dull white material, with a little +grey in her rippling, parted hair, seemed at home for the first time in +her life. She looked a shade older, a shade thinner in the face, her +sweet eyes a little sunk inwards. But her tall figure had retained all +its old soft dignity and beauty of line. Looking at her as she poured +out my tea for me, I suddenly felt years older than she. + +This bewildering impression deepened as the days went on, and a +protecting, wondering compassion became part of my affection for her. + +During the years I had spent in India I had seen a good deal of both +sides of that motley, amazing fabric which we call life. I had felt the +throbbing of its great loom. I had touched with my own shrinking hand +the closeness of the texture, had marked the interweaving of the alien +strands, had marvelled and been dismayed, had marvelled and been awed, +had seen the dye of my own blood on one dim thread, the gold of my own +joy on another. The sheltered life had not been mine. + +But Aunt Emmy had not moved mentally by a hair's-breadth. All her +expansion, if expansion it could be called, had taken form in her house +and garden. I had not been a week under her roof before I found that Mr. +Kingston occupied exactly the same position in her life as he had done +in Pembridge Square. She had brought down her romance to adorn her new +home just as she had brought down _Ole Scorpio_, in cotton wool. Each +had their niche. Perhaps it was unreasonable in me to expect to find her +different. I had not expected it. But I had become such a totally +different person myself that her attitude to life, which had appeared to +me so romantic and natural when I was eighteen, now appeared +irremediably pathetic, visionary, out of touch with reality. Perhaps, +however, it was I who had become disillusioned and matter-of-fact. I saw +with a kind of pitying wonder that her youthful romance still supplied +to her, as it had done since she was nineteen, a certain atmosphere of +pensive, prayerful resignation, a background for ethereal day-dreams. +Her peaceful days were passed in a kind of picturesque haze, like the +mist that, seeming in itself a rosy light, sometimes veils a tranquil +September sunset. + +She was evidently very happy, but it was equally evident that she did +not know it. From words she let drop now and then I saw that she still +imagined she was bearing the heavy cross of her mutilated youth. But to +me it seemed as if some tender hand had lifted it from her shoulder. + +"Aunt Emmy," I said, yielding to an ignoble curiosity in the second week +of my visit, as we were picking the lavender together, "when Uncle +Thomas died, I had thought I should hear of your marrying Mr. Kingston." + +"I also hoped it, my dear," said Aunt Emmy, snipping the lavender into a +little basket, held in a loose white-gloved hand. + +I dared not look at her. + +"Mr. Kingston has not written," she said after a moment. + +"But did you write and tell him you were free, and still in the same +mind?" + +"I did not. I thought it might be awkward for him in case he were--after +all these years--contemplating some other possibility. I did not want to +embarrass him. But your Uncle Thomas's death was in all the papers, and +many of his relations are acquainted with us. I have no doubt the news +reached him." + +Of course it had. I had felt that it was hardly to be expected that Mr. +Kingston should have kept after twenty years, more than twenty years, +the same vivid memory of his early love that she had done. His silence +proved that he had not done so. I looked at Aunt Emmy. How pretty and +graceful and remote she looked, and how young her face was under the +shadow of her charming garden hat, tied with a soft black ribbon under +her chin. As long as she was not confronted with any one really young, +she had no look of age. It was difficult to believe that she was +forty-four. And he must be forty-six. It was too late. Middle-aged +marriages are risky affairs enough, when the Rubicon of forty is within +sight. But when it has been passed----! + +As I looked at her I hoped with all my heart that he would not come back +to disturb her peace of mind and dislocate her life afresh. + +But, astonishing to say, he did come back; and there was some adequate +reason, I have forgotten exactly what, for his not coming earlier. At +any rate, it was adequate. + +When I came down to breakfast a few days later, Aunt Emmy held a letter +towards me with a shaking hand. Her lips trembled. She could not +articulate. + +"Am I really to read it?" + +She nodded. + +It was a charming letter, written in a delicate, refined hand. Mr. +Kingston had not heard of her father's death till the day before he +wrote. He had been away up-country for a year, broken shoulder, etc. He +was starting for England at once. He should travel almost as quickly as +his letter. He should present himself at Pembridge Square and learn her +address directly he landed. His ship was the _Sultana_. + +I took up the morning paper. + +"The _Sultana_ arrived yesterday," I said. + +I looked at the envelope. It was directed on from Pembridge Square. + +"Tom will give him my address," said Aunt Emmy faintly. "I wonder how he +knows I am not living there now. _He will--arrive here--to-day._" + +She looked straight in front of her through the open windows to the +hollyhocks basking in the still September sunshine. A radiance lit up +her face, like that which perhaps shone on Christian's when at last +across the river he saw the pearl gates of the New Jerusalem. + +"At last!" she said. "After all these years! After all these dreadful, +dreadful years!" + +An unbearable pain went through me. It was not new to me. I had known it +once before, when I had seen my child sicken. Why did it return now? + +The radiance passed. A pitiful trembling shook her like a leaf. Her eyes +turned helplessly to mine, frightened and dimmed. + +"I forgot I am an old woman," she said. + +I kissed her hand. I told her that she was handsomer than any one. She +was very dignified and gentle. + +"You are very kind to me, my dear, and it is sweet of you to feel as you +do. I believe, as you say, that I am still nice-looking. But the fact +remains that it is nearly twenty-five years since we have seen each +other. I was nineteen then. And oh! I suppose I ought not to say it, but +I _was_ pretty. People turned to look at me in the street. And now I am +forty-four." + +"But he is older than you, isn't he?" + +"Two years. What is two years! We were the same age when we were young. +But a man of forty-six is younger than a woman of forty-four." + +I was silent. There was no contradicting that obvious fact. + +"He will probably come by the 4.12 train," said Aunt Emmy, rising. "If +you don't mind, as there are so many preparations to make, I will leave +you to finish your breakfast. I have had mine." + +She left the room, and I stared at her empty plate. I was not hungry +either. I was frightened for my dear Aunt Emmy. + +And yet, she was so yielding, so selfless, so absolutely uncritical, +that if any woman could marry late she was the woman. She could have +lived with a monster of egotism without finding it out. Had she not +devoted herself to two such monsters most of her life? And perhaps Mr. +Kingston was not a monster. Aunt Emmy arranged the flowers early as she +only could arrange them. I was only allowed to fetch the water and clean +the glasses. A certain pony-cart was sent to Muddington with the cook in +it to buy a tongue, and a Stilton cheese, and a little barrel of +anchovies, and various other condiments which Uncle Tom approved. Uncle +Tom's tastes represented those of his whole sex for Aunt Emmy. + +I insisted on her eating some luncheon, but this was barely possible, as +in the midst of it a telegram was brought in from Mr. Kingston to say he +should arrive by the 4.12 train. + +After luncheon Aunt Emmy went to her room. I followed her there half an +hour later to give her a note, and found her standing in the middle of +the floor, looking at all her gowns laid out on chairs. + +"I am afraid you can only think me very silly, my dear," she said, with +a sort of humble dignity. "I wished to consult you, but I did not like +to; but as you _are_ here, and if you don't mind my asking you--a +relation can often judge best what is advantageous--which gown _do_ you +think suits me best, the grey voile, or the lilac delaine, or the white +serge?" + +I decided on the white serge, and long before the dogcart ordered to +meet him could possibly arrive, Aunt Emmy was sitting, paler than I had +ever seen her, beside a wood fire in the parlour in the soft white gown +I loved her best in, pretending to read. She had lit the fire, though +we were not in the habit of having it till later in the day, because she +thought Australians might feel chilly. + +"I don't know how it is," she said at last, laying down the book, "but I +seem quite blind. I can't see the print." + +I could not see the needle-work I was bending over either. But that was +because senseless tears kept on rising to my eyes, do what I would. Aunt +Emmy's eyes had no tears in them. + +"It is very petty of me, I know, but I do hope he has not grown stout," +she said presently. "But of course it is to be expected, and if it is so +I must try to bear it. It could not make any _real_ difference. Your +Uncle Tom is the same age, and of course he is not--he really is _not_ +as thin as he was." + +"Was he ever thin?" + +"N-no. But Mr. Kingston was, at least, not thin, but very spare and +agile-looking." + +At last the sound of wheels reached us. Aunt Emmy clasped the arms of +her chair convulsively. + +"I daresay he has not come," she said almost inaudibly. + +The wheels stopped. I went into the tiny hall. + +A tall, spare, distinguished-looking man, with weather-beaten face and +peculiarly intent, hawklike eyes, was at the gate, and I went out to +greet him. As he took off his cap his crisp hair showed a little grey in +it. He was delightful to look at. + +I don't know what I said, but I mumbled something as I shook hands with +him, and pointed to the parlour door. He nodded gravely and went in, +hitting his tall head against the low lintel. Then he closed the door +gently. And I went to my room, and locked myself in. + +When I went into the parlour an hour later at tea-time I found them +sitting one on each side of the fire. I wished with all my heart that +they could have been sitting together at this moment after the marriage +of their daughter. Both had cried a little, I could see. He certainly +had. They got up when I came in, and stood together on the hearth, a +splendid-looking couple, dwarfing the white room with its low ceiling. + +What they must have been in youth I could well imagine. + +I was reintroduced to him, and I am not sure, though they were both +smiling at each other, that they were not relieved by my entrance with +the tea. He handed her her cup and waited on her with the deferential +awkwardness of a man who has not been in women's society for years. + +"I am a rough fellow, Emmy," he said once or twice. But he was not +rough. He was charming. He did not fit in at all with my preconceived +ideas of "Colonials." And it was quickly evident to me that his tender +admiration of Aunt Emmy still survived. I was partly reassured. Perhaps, +after all, he had brought happiness with him. + + * * * * * + +Saint Luke's summer was glorious that year, and it was nowhere more +wonderful than in the forest. One still golden day followed another, the +gossamer-threaded sunshine flooding the glades of yellowing and amber +trees, spilling itself headlong amid the rusting bracken, and losing +itself in the tiny foliage of the whortleberry, which, all its little +oval leaves, ruddy as a robin's breast, was imitating the trees, like a +miniature autumn forest underfoot. + +Aunt Emmy and Mr. Kingston walked daily in the marvel of the forest, and +it seemed as if the autumn sun shone kindly on them. Sometimes on her +return there was a bewildered look in her face which I did not +understand, and I wondered whether indeed all was well; but I put the +thought away, for his love for her was beyond the possibility of doubt, +and had not her love for him coloured her whole life? + +And yet-- + +Once I saw him take up _Ole Scorpio_ with a careful hand, and then +replace it in its recess with its spout pointing towards the room. +Presently, when he had gone, she gently moved it back to its former +position, exactly _en profile_, and the senseless idea darted through my +mind as I watched her do it that if her romance were moved from its +niche, she would instinctively wish to do the same, to readjust it to +the angle from which she had looked at it so long. + +As the days passed and the first shyness between them wore off, the +primitive life he had led for so many years showed itself in a certain +slowness of speech, a disinclination to make acquaintance with the +neighbours, and an increasing tendency to long, tranquil silences with a +pipe in the garden. But, wonderful to say, it had not apparently +blunted him mentally. And he actually cared for books. Unfortunately, +there were almost no books in the cottage. How he had kept it I cannot +imagine, but he certainly had retained a quickness of apprehension which +made him half-unconsciously adapt himself to Aunt Emmy and her little +habits in a way that astonished me. It was she who showed herself less +perceptive as regarded him. But this she never divined. She had got it +rooted into her small, graceful head that he would naturally wish to +converse principally about his farm. And, in spite of scant +encouragement, she continually "showed an interest," as she herself +expressed it, in sheep, and water creeks, and snakes, and bush fires. He +was always perfectly good-natured, and ready to answer; but I sometimes +wondered how it was she did not realise that she asked the same +questions over and over again. + +"Uncle Bob does not seem to care to talk much about his farming," I +ventured one day. "Perhaps he wishes to forget it for a little while." + +"My dear," said Aunt Emmy rebukingly, "when you are as old as I am, you +will know that the only thing men really care to talk of _is_ their +business. My dear father always talked of stocks, and shares, and--and +bonuses. He said I could not understand about them, as indeed I could +not, but it interested me very much to listen. And your Uncle Tom, as +you may remember"--I did indeed--"did the same. It is natural that Mr. +Kingston's mind should dwell on agricultural subjects." + +Presently wicked men began to mow the bracken with great scythes, and to +carry it away in carts which tilted and elbowed their way down the +mossy, heather-fringed tracks. Here and there the down-stretched arms of +the firs caught the topmost fronds of bracken and swept them from their +murdered brethren, and held them precariously suspended, only to drop +them when the first wind went by. + +I left the cottage for a week to visit my husband's relations, and when +I returned the forest was bare. An indefinable sadness seemed to brood +over it, and to have reached Aunt Emmy as well. Mr. Kingston had also +been away to visit his relations, and had returned, and was staying at +the little inn on the edge of the forest, from which he could more +readily run up daily to town to have his shoulder massaged, which still +troubled him. + +Aunt Emmy told me all this in her garden, where she was dividing her +white pinks. I knew she intended to make a fresh border, but the action +filled me with consternation. + +"But Aunt Emmy," I said (the foolish words jolted out of me by sudden +anxiety), "will you--will you be _here_ next spring?" + +I could have struck myself the moment the words were out of my mouth. + +The trowel dropped from her hand. + +"Oh no!" she said confusedly. "Neither I shall. I was forgetting. I +shall be in Australia." + +She looked round the little garden which she had made with her own +hands, and back to the white cottage, up to its eyes in Michaelmas +daisies, which had become such an ideal home, and in which, poor dear! +she had taken a deeper root than she knew, and a bewildered pain passed +for a moment over her face. It was as if she had been walking in her +sleep, and had suddenly come in contact with some obstacle, and had +waked up and was not for the first moment certain of her surroundings. + +"He is more to me than any cottage," she said, recovering herself +with a little gasp. "I had hoped perhaps he would have come and lived +here, and let me take care of him, after all his years of hard work. +But it was a selfish idea. He has told me that he cannot leave his +work or his uncle, who has been so kind to him, and who is very infirm +now--partially paralysed, and needing the greatest care. I shall--let +the cottage." + +"What is the place in Australia like?" I said with duplicity, for of +course I knew by this time exactly what it was like. But I wanted to +change her thoughts. + +She led the way indoors, and pointed to a sheaf of unmounted +photographs. I took them up, and examined them as if for the first time. +My heart sank as I looked at the inoffensive figure of the poor old +uncle in the verandah, whom Aunt Emmy was of course to nurse. The house +which that hard-working old man had built himself stood nakedly upon a +piece of naked ground. There was not a tree near it. Beyond were the +great cattle-yards and farm buildings, and what looked like an endless, +shrubless field. And on the right was the new two-windowed room, no +longer very new, which Mr. Kingston had built seventeen years ago for +Aunt Emmy. I knew how much labour that hideous addition meant, which was +a sort of degraded cousin many times removed from the pert villa +drawing-rooms, peering over portugal laurels on the road to Muddington. +I knew that Mr. Kingston had papered and painted that room with his own +hands. I knew also, but Aunt Emmy did not, that he had repapered and +repainted it several times while it waited for her. And yet by no +wildest effort of the imagination could I picture Aunt Emmy living +there, though her heart had been there all her life. + +A sudden rage rose within me against the deceased Uncle Thomas, and +against this other decrepit uncle, waiting to be nursed. + +I laid down the photographs, and went a turn in the forest, leaving Aunt +Emmy sitting idle in her gardening gloves. My foolish words had stopped +her happy activity. I was angry with myself, with Fate, with Australia, +with everything, and not least with Mr. Kingston. + +Everywhere in the bare glades little orphaned families of bracken held +their arched necks a few inches from the ground. Even in their +bereavement they too had remembered that it was autumn, and their tiny +curled fronds protecting their downcast faces were golden and ruddy. As +I turned a corner I suddenly caught sight of Mr. Kingston a few paces +from me, looking earnestly at one of these little groups. I did not want +to meet him just then, and I half turned aside; but he had already seen +me, and he gave a gesture of welcome, and I had to stop. + +My anger subsided somewhat as he came up. He looked harassed, and as if +he had not slept. + +"And so you are back," he said. "I was just wishing that you were at the +moment I caught sight of you. If you think it possible that a word or +two could be dragged out of such a silent enigmatical person as +yourself, I should like to have a little talk with you." + +I could not help liking him. His keen eyes were kindly, though his face +was grave. + +"What do you want to talk about?" I said bluntly. + +"What an unnecessary question. What can I want to talk about except +Emmy?" + +I was silent. I felt more uncomfortable about the whole affair than I +had done yet, and that was saying a good deal. + +Mr. Kingston led the way down a little track to a place where the trees +grew so close together that the murderous scythes had not been able to +get in among them. Here the bracken had been unmolested, and was going +unharassed through all its most gorgeous pageant. Great fronds of ivory +white, of palest gold, of brownest gold, of reddest gold upreared +themselves among the purple waves of the heather, wearing the stray +flecks of the sunshine like jewels on their breasts. We sat down on a +fallen tree round which the bracken had wrapped its splendour. + +"How extraordinarily beautiful it is!" he said, more to himself than to +me, putting out his long, artistic hand, gnarled and hardened with work, +and touching a pale frond with a reverent finger. "I am glad to have +seen it once more. It is twenty-five years since I have seen an English +autumn." + +There was a moment's silence, and then he went on without any change of +tone: + +"And you are thinking, you sad-faced, downright little woman who are so +afraid that I am going to make your dear Aunt Emmy unhappy, you are +thinking that you did not take a precarious seat on this trunk in order +to hear a possible enemy descant on the beauties of nature." + +I was astonished at his penetration. My own experience, gleaned entirely +from the genial little egotist whose wife I was, had taught me that men +never noticed anything. I had had no idea that I had shown the fear of +him which I felt. + +"And yet you are my only possible ally," he went on, "my only helper, if +you are willing to help me, in the somewhat difficult task which I have +in hand." + +"You mean, marrying my aunt?" I said. + +"No," he said, looking at me with a kindness which made me ready to sink +into the ground with shame. "I can do _that_ without assistance. Emmy, +God bless her! has been ready to marry me any time these twenty-five +years, and, poor soul, she is ready now. She has not the faintest idea +what she would be in for if she did, but she is ready to risk it." + +I was silent. I was bewildered for one thing, and I did not want "to put +my foot in it" again immediately for another. And there was really no +need for me to speak, for he went on slowly, looking full at me: + +"What I have to do, if I can, is to save Emmy's romance for her." + +I could only stare at him. + +"For twenty-five years," he went on, "that dear woman has lived on her +love for me. It has coloured her whole life. I know what I know. It has +been her support in all the endless years she nursed that cruel old +egoist her father, who would not let her marry me, when we _could_ have +married, seventeen years ago. But it is not _me_ that she wants now, +though she did want me for many years; it is the thought of me--if you +can't understand without my saying it, I can't make you--it's her +romance which is important to her, and which I want her to keep, at all +costs." + +"My darling Emmy," he said, and there were tears in his hawk eyes, "the +most unselfish and devoted, the sweetest, the humblest, and the most +beautiful creature I have ever known. And she has given up everything +out of constancy to me, home, children, everything; no, not for me +exactly, but for a dream, for an ideal, for something of which I was to +her the symbol, but which I no more resemble than I resemble that frond +of bracken." + +He turned his face away. + +"It would have been all right if they would have let us marry when we +were both still young, and I had got a home together," he went on; "but +now it would be inhuman to root her out of her little home and drag her +across the world, and try to transplant her into my rough place. How +rough it is I see, now that I have been back in England. I did not know +it was so uncouth when I lived in it. It's the only life I'm accustomed +to, the only life I'm fit for now, though it was sorely against the +grain at first. I don't think I could have stuck to it, except for the +hope of marrying her some day. But I see now the only life I'm fit for +is not fit for her. And I can't give it up. I can't desert my poor old +uncle, who is growing infirm and depends on me entirely." + +"Why did you come back?" I groaned. + +"I came back," he said, "because I have cared for her and worked for her +all my life. And because I heard that her beast of a father had left her +almost penniless, and that fat Tom had married and turned her out. And +until I saw her again from day to day I did not realise the nature of +her feeling for me. I came back to offer her what I had, not that it +was much, hoping to marry her and take her back with me.... But that is +not what would make my Emmy happy _now_. What she needs is to go on in +this perfect little doll's house, this little haven, thinking of me, and +praying for me, and tending her flowers, and mourning like a dove in its +tree because we are parted." + +It was exactly what Aunt Emmy needed. I could not have put it into +words, but this strange man had done so. + +"You will not speak," he said, "but you agree with me for all that. I +had to make sure you agreed. Your confirmation is all I wanted, and now +I have it." + +It was not that I would not speak. I could not speak. I was thinking of +the room in that horrid wooden house which he had built for her. + +After a few minutes he went on quietly: + +"I think the thing for me to do is to be ruined, only partially, of +course, not enough to make her miserable, and to hurry back to Australia +without her at once for the time being, and from there to write +regularly by every mail, nice letters (they cannot be forbidden now); +but never to come back any more. A bank has just failed in Australia in +which I had money. The situation can be arranged." + +I looked away from him. + +"I owe it to her," he said. + + + + +THE UNDERSTUDY + + The only form of human love that atrophies the heart is the love + of self. + + +Marion Wright sat in the centre seat of the third row of the stalls, +shivering in spite of her sables. It was the dress rehearsal of her +first play, that play on which she had spent herself to the verge of +mental bankruptcy. + +The nauseating presentiment of failure, the distaste and scorn of her +own work, were upon her, which the artist never escapes, which return as +acutely after twenty successes as in the hours of suspense before the +first essay. Marion's surroundings were not of a nature to reassure her. +To her unaccustomed eyes the empty, dimly lit theatre, swathed and +bandaged in dust-sheets, looked ominously dreary. Had any one ever +laughed in this shrouded desert? The long lines of stalls huddled under +their wrinkled coverings stretched before and behind her. The boxes were +shapeless holes of pallid grime. It was as if a London fog had trailed +its dingy veil over everything. There was a fog outside as well, and the +few electric lights which had been turned up peered blurred and yellow. +An immense ladder, three ladders tied together, reared itself from the +stalls to the roof. Something was being done to the lights on the +ceiling. Tired-looking men in overcoats were creeping into the +orchestra, thrusting white faces under screened lights, and rustling +papers on stands. + +Marion had the theatre to herself except for a few whisperers in the +back row of the stalls--her maid, an attendant, one or two actors of +minor parts who did not appear in the first act, and a few costumiers. + +It was fiercely cold, and she had not slept for several nights. She +wished she had never been born. + +A magnificent-looking woman, wearing her chin tilted slightly upwards, +was squeezing herself and an immense fur coat towards her along the +stalls, and sat down beside her. This was Lenore, the leading lady. + +She turned a colourless, beautifully shaped face and heavy eyes with +bistred lashes towards Marion. + +"I suppose we shall have to wait about two hours for Mr. Montgomery," +she said apathetically. + +"Does he always keep people waiting?" + +"Always, since he made his great hit in _The Deodars_." + +There was a moment's silence. + +"Mr. Montgomery does not like his part," said the leading lady +tentatively, hanging a hand in an interminable white glove over the back +of the stall in front of her. + +Marion's face hardened. + +"It's not a sympathetic part," she said, "but an artist ought not to +think of that." + +"No, it's not sympathetic," acquiesced Lenore, turning up her fur +collar. "It seems as if the principal man's part never _is_ sympathetic +in a woman's play. If the central figure is a woman, the men grouped +round her are generally prize specimens of worms. I wonder why. In your +play, now, Maggie's everything! George does not count for much, as far +as I can see. Even Maggie had not much use for him." + +"She loved him," said the author, with asperity. + +"Did she? Sometimes when I'm playing Maggie to Montgomery's George I +wonder if she did. And I just wonder now and then if I would have thrown +him over as she did. I mean for good and all. It seems to me--if she'd +cared for him, cared _really_, you know----" + +"She did," interposed Marion harshly. + +"Wouldn't she have quarrelled and made it up again? Would she have been +quite so hard on him?" + +"Yes, she would. Think, just think what she must have suffered in the +third act, the scene at the Savoy, when, loving him as she did, trusting +him as she did, she saw him come in with----" + +"Well, I expect you know best," said Lenore, whose interest seemed to +flag suddenly; "anyhow, she suffered, poor thing. Women like her always +do, I think." She rose slowly. "I may as well go and dress. I suppose we +shall be here till midnight." + +The orchestra struck up. + +"Anyhow, she suffered." + +The violins caught up the words and dinned them over and over again into +Marion's ears. Women like Maggie, women with deep hearts like +herself--for was not Maggie herself?--they always suffered, always +suffered, always!--said the violins. + +The manager suddenly appeared in front of the curtain and walked swiftly +over the little bridge from the stage to the stalls. He was a small, +sturdy, thin-lipped, choleric man, who looked as if he were made up of +energy; energy distilled and bottled. Some one had said of him that his +hat was really a glass stopper, which might fly off at any moment. + +It was off now. There had evidently been an explosion. He held a note in +his hand. + +"Montgomery has given up the part," he said. "He was odd at rehearsal +yesterday. I felt there was something wrong. He said he had no show. Now +he says he's too ill to come--bronchitis." + +The sense of disaster which had been hanging over Marion all day slipped +and engulfed her like an avalanche. She felt paralysed. + +"Then the play can't go on?" she said. + +"If it had to happen, better to-night than to-morrow night," said the +manager. "Montgomery is as slippery as an eel. I don't suppose he has +got bronchitis; but I have no doubt if I rushed over there at this +moment, I should find him in bed with a steam-kettle. He would play the +part." + +"What will you do?" gasped Marion. + +"Do?" he said. "Do? There's only one thing to do. Go through with the +play! It will start in two minutes, and we shall see what the understudy +can make of it. He's as clever as he can stick, and he's word perfect, +at any rate." + +"Who is he?" + +"A Mr. Delacour; at least, that's his stage name. He's been in America +for the last five years. Clever enough, but a rolling stone. He's not to +be depended on, poor devil; but it's Hobson's choice--we've got to +depend on him." + +The manager sat down beside her and clapped his hands. + +The lights suddenly burned up behind the curtain, the curtain rose and +the play began. + +Some plays, some books, some men and women, possess a mysterious force +which, for lack of a better word, we call vitality. Those who possess it +not call it by all manner of ugly names. But, nevertheless, it is the +great gift, the power that overcomes, which makes life on a large scale +possible, which makes the soldier, the lover, the saint, possible. Most +of us are only half alive. Our work is half dead. We deal in creep-mouse +sentiment, and call it love. We write pathetically of our impotence to +live, and call it resignation. We who have never been young, compare +notes with each other on how to remain senile, and call it the art of +growing old. + +But others go through life, and spend themselves on it, piece by piece, +with ardour as they go. These are the teachers--only they never teach. +They know. If we want to learn anything, we can watch them. And some of +us, again--and this is the hardest fate of all--come into life +inadequately equipped, not provisioned for a prolonged journey. What +little we have, and what little there is of us, we expend on the first +part of life, and having nothing left for middle age. + +Such a woman was Marion. She had talent, and she had, besides--as the +manager beside her had divined--one live play in her. But he doubted +whether she had more than one. She looked insolvent, a dweller in the +past, crippled by an acute memory. No doubt it was this self-regarding +memory which had resulted in the play. It was obviously a personal +experience, and as she was rich enough to share the risk of producing +it, he was more than ready to put it on. It was full of faults; it was +melodramatic, it was amateurish, but it was passionately alive. The pit +and the gallery would love it; and if the stalls found it a little +cheap, what of that? He had considerable _flair_. He believed it would +succeed. + +He glanced once or twice furtively at the handsome, unhappy-looking, +richly furred woman beside him--no longer young, "past youth, but not +past passion," with much of the charm of youth lingering in her graceful +erectness, her pretty hair, her delicate pallor. + +She had told him feverishly that the only thing she cared for--had ever +cared for--was art, success, fame. He had heard something like it often +before. + +He wished, with a half-sigh, that a little of that uneasy, egotistic +ambition might have been instilled into the heart of Lenore, for whom +he had a compassionate, bottled-up attachment of many years' standing. + +Poor Lenore! What an actress, and what a hopelessly womanly woman, still +mourning the providential demise of an impossible brother who had lived +on her. + +She was on the stage now, looking about seventeen, all youth and garden +hat and white muslin. + +Marion's face twitched. She was living her own youth over again. + +There was a pause. Lenore picked a rose to gain time, and looked into +the wings. + +"Delacour!" roared the manager, bouncing up in his stall and then +sitting down again. + +"We cut it here," said Lenore, advancing to the footlights, "and he +doesn't know. It is not his fault. He's waiting for his cue. See, Mr. +Delacour! Leave out that bit about the daisies, and come on at +'happiness.'" + +The understudy came on, and Marion's heart thrust suddenly at her like a +rapier, and left her for dead, staring in front of her. + +This was no understudy. This was the original George of the drama when +it was first acted. Marion saw the lover of her youth come on and kiss +Lenore's hand, with the same gesture with which he had once kissed +hers--in the sunshine, in a Kentish garden, beside a lavender bush, with +a bumble bee in it, ten endless years ago. + +He was hardly changed--a little thinner, perhaps, but not a day older in +his paint; the same reckless, debonair creature whom Marion had loved, +who had wounded her and grieved her, whom she had discarded at last with +bitter anger, whom she had never forgotten, whom she remembered with +anguish. + +The curtain was down before she recovered herself, and the conductor was +waving his baton. + +The manager turned to her with some excitement. + +"If only he can keep it up!" he said. "Delacour puts life into the +love-making. He makes love well, don't you think?" + +"Admirably." + +"If only he can keep it up!" repeated the manager. + +Through the two acts which followed, the understudy kept it up. He did +more. He acted with an intensity that made the rest of the play somewhat +colourless. At the end of the scene at the Savoy, just before the +curtain fell, he added a sentence of his own. + +In a second, before she knew what she had done, Marion had sprung to her +feet, and had said in a harsh, loud voice: + +"That last sentence is not in the part." + +The play stopped. The hurrying waiters with dishes stood stock still and +gaped, as astonished as if the interruption had been in real life. Some +of the supers at the little tables in the background got up to see what +was happening. + +Delacour, wineglass in hand, came forward to the footlights, and their +eyes met. + +"I beg your pardon," he said. "You say it is not in the part. I thought +it was. I will omit it in future." + +"You will do no such thing!" bawled the manager, leaping to his feet and +shaking his fist at him. "Omit it! Why, Miss Wright, it's an +inspiration. Gets him the whole sympathy just at the critical moment. +And what a curtain! Good God! What a curtain!" + +"Isn't it?" said Lenore. "Leave out my bit at the end altogether, and +make _that_ the curtain. Don't you agree, Miss Wright? And, look here, +Mr. Delacour, take the front centre here." + +"Start again at 'falsehood,'" said the manager briskly to Lenore. "Now, +then, everybody. Sit down at the back there. Now----" + +The play started again. Marion, astonished at her own violence, ashamed, +shattered by conflicting emotions, speechless, could only bow her +approval of the change, not that the manager cared a pin whether she +approved or not. + +_Was Delacour acting?_ Marion knew that he was not. And as the play +proceeded it changed in character. The words were the words she had +written. Many of them were the words he had used himself, but his +passion transformed them. They took on a new meaning. It was Maggie who +was becoming a mean figure in spite of her grandiloquence--perhaps +because of it. Her rigid principles, her petty, egotistic pride, her +faultless demeanour jarred on the audience. Lenore, like a true artist, +caught the novel side of the situation and emphasised it. Her Maggie +dwindled, dwindled, until the man held the stage alone, dominated it. +Marion had never before seen his side of the miserable drama in which +her happiness had made shipwreck, had never before seen her own +character in this light. It was as if he were saying the truth at last, +defending himself at last--which he had never done in real life. + +Finally repulsed, silent under her scornful invective, Delacour gathered +himself together and went off magnificent in defeat. + +The curtain fell for the last time. + +The tiny audience, strengthened by the rest of the cast who were not +needed in the final scene, broke into rapturous applause. The manager, +excited and radiant, clapped with the rest. + +"He's immense. He's immense!" he kept on saying. "Delacour's the making +of it. He's immense! Hang Montgomery! He may have bronchitis till he's +blue. Delacour makes the play. I will fetch him!" + +He disappeared behind the curtain, and in a few minutes reappeared, +dragging Delacour with him to introduce him to Marion. + +"We have met before," she said faintly, putting out her hand. + +"Did we ever really meet?" he said gently, taking it for a second in +his. + +He seemed quite exhausted. Now that she saw him close at hand, he looked +much older. And his face was grievously lined, deteriorated. + +She tried to thank him, to express her gratitude for the way he had +extricated them from a great difficulty; but her words were so +hesitating and frigid that the manager broke in, shaking him warmly by +the hand. + +Delacour bowed his thanks, murmured something conventional, and was +gone. + +Every one was in a hurry to go, too. Marion remained a moment longer +talking to the manager, and then they went together through the royal +box to the private entrance, where her brougham was waiting. Just as +they reached it, he was called away, and an attendant let her out. + +Waiting beside her brougham, in the rain, holding the door for her, was +Delacour, in a shabby overcoat, his hat in his hand. + +Again their eyes met in a long look. His, sombre, melancholy, humble, +had a great appeal in them. + +She seemed encased in some steel armour, which made movement and speech +wellnigh impossible. She thanked him inaudibly. + +He shut the door, said "Home" to the coachman, and turned away. + +The carriage drove off. + +Then something in Marion snapped. Her other self, the poor woman in her +whom she had denied and starved and brow-beaten, pounced upon her and +called out suddenly, desperately: + +"Forgive him. What is life without him? Think of the last ten years. Has +there been one day in all those grinding years when you have not longed +to see him? Has there ever been one day when you would not have given up +your ease and luxury for a cottage with him? And now he has come back +into your life. He still loves you. Are you going to lose him again? You +were vindictive, and you know it. Go back now and kneel down in the wet +street and ask him to forgive you. Quick! quick!--before it is too +late." + +The other woman in her, the woman who had discarded him, stopped her +ears. + +"No, no; I had good reasons for breaking with him. They hold as good +to-day as ten years ago." + +"Very well," said the other scornfully. "Then never dare to tell +yourself again that you ever loved him. Let that lie cease. Your love +was only pretty words and pride and self-seeking, and a miserable streak +of passion. What do you care what happens to him? Don't go back. You +don't care for him. You never cared. Never, never. And he knows it. He +is telling himself so now--at this moment." + +She stopped the brougham. She trembled so much that she could hardly +tell the man to drive back to the theatre. He turned slowly, the horse +evidently reluctant, and in a few minutes she was once more at the +private entrance. The door was closed. No one was to be seen in the +little _cul de sac_. The lamp over the door was out. She got out and +rang--once, twice, and yet again. Then she realised that every one else +had hurried away as precipitately as she had done, for the dawn was +already in the sky. She dragged herself back into her carriage and drove +home, shaking in every limb. + +After all, it did not matter. She would get his address from the manager +first thing to-morrow, and go straight on and see him, and sacrifice her +pride, and beseech him to take her back. She had been too proud. She +saw that at last. She would say so. She saw at last that resentment is +disloyalty. She would say so. She was so sick of her present life that +she would say anything. And he loved her still, thank God! And--thank +God, too--she was rich. And it was obvious that he was poor. She had +much to share with him. And she was still attractive. Other men still +wished to marry her. She was pretty, still. All that she had, all that +she still was, she would give him. And this long nightmare of the last +ten years would pass at last, as that other nightmare of her youth had +passed--her wretched home, with a drunken father and a heartbroken +mother. That had passed, though at the time it had seemed as if it would +endure for ever. Her parents had died, and her vulgar, kindly, rich aunt +had adopted her. And now this second nightmare was at an end, too. The +ache would go out of her life, the long daily hunger and thirst would +cease. There would be no more dreadful homecomings after evenings of +amusement; no more sick recoil and despair at waking and seeing the pale +finger of the dawn upon the blind. She would be happy at last. + +Marion cried herself to sleep that night. Next morning, as early as she +dared, she was at the theatre. The manager was going through his usual +paroxysm of anxiety and ill-temper which preceded a first night. He +could hardly find time for a word with her. There was a hitch in the +scenery of the last act; the lighting was not yet repaired; one of the +actors of the minor parts was ill, for whom an understudy had not been +provided; and the head scene-shifter had sprained his wrist. + +"I won't keep you," said Marion, as he hurried up, fuming; "I only want +Mr. Delacour's address. I should like to see him at once--to--to talk to +him about his part. There are a few points----" + +"Delacour's address?" said the manager. "Don't know it. Oh, yes, of +course!" He tore a little notebook out of his pocket. Then he suddenly +looked up at her. "Don't go to him. Send for him, if you like, or see +him here. He'll be here in an hour--at least, he will be if Smith is +worth his salt. I've bribed him to keep a lynx eye on him day and night, +and bring him up to time. But don't go and see him. I suppose you know +he----" + +"He's married?" gasped Marion. + +The manager laughed scornfully. + +"He _drinks_, my dear lady. He drinks. He's only just out of an +inebriates' home. But don't alarm yourself. If he's watched, I dare say +we shall manage all right. I hope to goodness we shall! Don't look so +scared. Smith has charge of him, and he is accustomed to the job. He was +quite sober last night. I hear he always is after an outbreak. You're +going home? Well, I think you're right. Yes, very cold here now. Quite +right not to stop. See you again later." + +Marion drove home and shut herself up in her room. There was no need to +lock the door. She was alone in the world, alone in her handsome, empty +house, where she had always been alone, even before her aunt died and +left it to her.... She would always be alone now. Only yesterday she had +hoped--what had she not hoped! She had seen him there in imagination +changing this weary house into a home, brilliant and faulty as ever, +lovable as ever, beloved as ever, surrounded by her lavished adoration. +She had seen their children running along its wide passages, playing in +its empty hall. + +And now. + +_He drank._ + +She shuddered. She had seen drink once. She knew. Never while she lived +would she forget what her home had been like. The past crowded back upon +her with all its vileness and nausea, all its unspeakable degradation +and violence, wrapped up with maudlin sentiment and cheap tears. The +sweat stood on her forehead. + +What an escape she had had! To think that if it had not been for that +chance word of the manager's she would by now have pledged herself +irrevocably to a drunkard, waded back into the slough from which she had +emerged. Oh, what a merciful fate it had been, after all, which had +parted them! How faithless she had been all these years! How little she +had realised how the divine love and wisdom had watched over her, had +shielded her! + +"Oh! thank God! Thank God!" she groaned. The other self in her, the poor +dying woman in her, arose on her deathbed and screamed to her, screamed +insane things. If a certain voice is too long ignored, its dictates seem +at last insane. + +"Take him back all the same!" gasped the dying voice. "Marry him. +Devote yourself to him, day and night. Cure him. Set him up. You love +him. Love can do it, if anything can." + +"I can't do it," groaned Marion. "Mother tried, but it was no good." + +"Then do as she did, try and fail." + +"I can't. He would break my heart." + +"Let him break it." + +Marion strangled the terrible, urgent voice with fury, and then cried as +if her heart would indeed break. The silenced voice spoke no more. + + * * * * * + +The play was a great success. Delacour, who had recently returned from +America, was the making of it. Lenore was the first to acknowledge it, +though his success was at her expense. Her part seemed only as a foil to +the sombre splendour of his. + +The play ran and ran. + +Delacour made no further effort to speak to Marion. He avoided her +systematically. He, on his side, was watched, was spied on, was +protected from himself, was never given a chance of yielding to +temptation. His self-imposed gaoler loved him. He was very lovable. The +manager was enthusiastic. Ignorant people said he was reformed. It +almost seemed as if he might grasp the great position to which his +talent entitled him. But how often before he had fallen just when he was +doing well! No one could depend on him. His record in America gradually +became known. It was a record of hideous outbreaks and cancelled +engagements. + +By dint of the strenuous will of others, to which he yielded himself, he +was kept on his feet through the whole run of the play. + +And then, released from surveillance, exhausted in mind and body--he +fell again. + +He blazed like a comet across the theatrical world, and then set as +suddenly as he had risen. + +Marion heard of it and shuddered. She had had a narrow escape. + + * * * * * + +She never wrote another play--at least, she never wrote another that +pleased a manager. She said she had not time. In spite of her success, +she felt a distaste for things theatrical. And perhaps she found that +success is not as warm a garment for a shivering life as she had +expected. There is a little fleecy wrap called affection, within the +reach of all of us, which she might have donned. But, as she often said, +there was, unfortunately, no one for whom she had much affection. She +was alone in the world. Her interest in the theatre was gradually +replaced by religion. Once she heard with real regret that Lenore had +lost her memory, and chloral was hinted at as the cause. She thought of +trying to save her, of making an earnest appeal to that better self +which, according to Marion, exists in all of us. But when she made +further inquiries about her, with a view to rescuing her, she was +daunted by the discovery that Lenore had been privately married to +Delacour for some time past, and that her declension, which was really +due to drink, dated from the time of the marriage. + +A year passed. Delacour began to make fitful reappearances, then more +frequent ones. He took and kept regular engagements. But his wife +returned no more. + +Presently Marion's own play was revived with success. It was one of +Delacour's greatest parts. And Marion went to see it, hidden behind the +curtains of her box. + +The years since she had last sat in that box had not dealt kindly with +her. Her discontented face showed that she was one of the many victims +of arrested development, still hampered in middle age by the egotistic +longings of youth. In youth we all want to receive instead of to give, +to be loved, to be served, to be admired. Middle age is the time to +reverse engines, the time to love, to serve, to give rather than to +receive. Marion had not learned that elementary lesson of life. We all +recognise them at sight, the nervous, fretful faces of the middle-aged +men and women who want to be loved. And love knows them, too, and--flies +them. + +The manager, somewhat pinched and grizzled, as from a long fast, came in +to see her between the acts, and growled out his disapproval of his +leading lady. + +"She's nothing to Lenore," he said. + +"Is she too"--Marion sought for a charitable word--"too ill to act?" + +"She is too ill to act," said the manager. "She will never act any more. +She is dying." + +There was a silence. + +"She is dying of drink," he said; "and if there is such a place as +heaven, she is very near it. And if there is such a person as God, I +hope she will say a word for me when she gets there." + +Marion did not speak. She was horrified. + +"She would marry Delacour," said the manager. "I begged her to marry me. +Over and over again I asked her. But she said I could do without her, +and Delacour couldn't. They fell in love with each other at this very +play when it was first put on. I saw it coming, and it spelt disaster +for her. But it was the real thing; and when the real thing comes, we +all have to knock under to it. It doesn't come often. Most of us are +quite incapable of it. I have only seen it once or twice. I dare say I +have never felt it, though I should have liked to take care of Lenore, +and not let her work so hard, and make a garden for her. She loves +flowers and running water. I made the garden just on the chance, but she +has never seen it. Down in Sussex it is, with a little old-world cottage +in it. It is a pretty place. Pergola; small cascade with rustic bridge; +fishpond, with green-tiled floor to show up the gold-fish. And a rose +garden. I should have liked her to see it. But she and Delacour! It was +like a thing in a book. They fell in love, and he behaved well. He +wouldn't marry her. He said he knew he couldn't cure himself of +drink--that his will was too weak. But she was determined to marry him. +She said her will was strong enough for both of them. I don't know about +her will. I think it was her love which was strong enough. He gave in at +last and married her. I know I shouldn't have held out as long as he +did. And for a little while things went well. He was at her feet. He +told me it was the first time any woman had ever cared for him. For a +little while I almost hoped--and then, in spite of his love for her, in +spite of everything, he began to drink again. Then she told him that +what he drank she should drink, and she stuck to it. If he drank, she +drank the same. If he 'nipped,' she did the same. When he got drunk, she +got drunk. It was kill or cure. And he loved her. That was her hold over +him. It took time, but she broke him of it. He suffered too much seeing +her kill herself for his sake, and it steadied him. He _had_ to give it +up." + +"Then, now--why doesn't she give it up, too?" + +"She can't," said the manager, his face twitching. "She was too far gone +by the time he was cured. She had not his physique. She was absolutely +played out. She is dying, and they both know it. But she does not mind. +She has saved him. That was the point. She is perfectly happy. She does +not care about anything else. He is a great actor. She has lived to see +him recognised. Some women wouldn't have risked it. But I suppose a +woman will take any risk if she loves, at least, women like Lenore +will." + +"And does he--in spite of this--does he love her still?" said Marion, +with dry lips. + +The manager was silent. + +"I did not think any one could care as much for Lenore as I did," he +said at last, "but Delacour does--he cares more." + + +_Printed by Hazell, Watson & Viney, Ld., London and Aylesbury._ + + + + +SHORTER NOVELS BY GREATER WRITERS + +_Each 2s. 6d. net._ + + THE GORGEOUS ISLE + By GERTRUDE ATHERTON + Author of "Rezanov," "Ancestors." + + THE LOWEST RUNG + By Miss CHOLMONDELEY + Author of "Moth and Rust." + + A COUNTY FAMILY + By STORER CLOUSTON + Author of "Count Bunker." + + IRRESOLUTE CATHERINE + By VIOLET JACOBS + Author of "The Sheep Stealers." + + OUT IN THE OPEN + By LUCAS MALET + Author of "Sir Richard Calmady." + + A FISH OUT OF WATER + By F. F. MONTRESOR + Author of "The Burning Torch." + + THE MILLS OF THE GODS + By ELIZABETH ROBINS + Author of "The Magnetic North." + + + + +THIN PAPER EDITIONS. + +THE DEFINITIVE EDITION OF THE WORKS OF GEORGE BORROW + +_In specially designed cover, with full gilt back. F'cap 8vo. Cloth, +1s. net; Lambskin, gilt top, 2s. net._ + + THE BIBLE IN SPAIN; or, The Journeys, Adventures, and Imprisonments + of an Englishman in an Attempt to Circulate the Scriptures in + the Peninsula. With the Notes and Glossary of ULICK BURKE. + + 880 pages, with Portrait, and 3 Half-tone reproductions from + Water-Colour Sketches by A. H. Hallam Murray. + + LAVENGRO: The Scholar, the Gypsy, the Priest. Containing + the Unaltered Text of the original issue; some suppressed + Episodes printed only in the editions issued by Mr. Murray; + MS. Variorum, Vocabulary, and Notes by Professor W. I. KNAPP. + + 608 pages, with 8 Pen and Ink Sketches by Percy Wadham. + + ROMANY RYE. A sequel to "Lavengro." Containing the + Unaltered Text of the original issue, with Notes, etc., by + Professor W. I. KNAPP. + + 432 pages, with 7 Pen and Ink Sketches by F. G. Kitson. + + WILD WALES: Its People, Language, and Scenery. + 768 pages, 8 Half-tone Illustrations by A. S. Hartrick, and Map. + + THE GYPSIES OF SPAIN. Their Manners, Customs, Religion and Language. + 464 pages, with 7 Half-tone Illustrations by A. Wallis Mills. + + ROMANO LAVO LIL: The Word Book of the Romany or English Gypsy + Language, with Specimens of Gypsy Poetry and an account of + certain Gypsyries, or places inhabited by them, and of + various things relating to Gypsy Life in England. + + + + +WORKS OF SAMUEL SMILES + +_In specially designed cover, With full gilt back, gilt top, and silk +marker. F'cap 8vo. Cloth, 2s. net; Lambskin, 2s. 6d. net._ + + SELF-HELP. With Illustrations of Conduct and Perseverance. + 512 pages, with 6 Half-tone Illustrations. + + CHARACTER. A Book of Noble Characteristics. + 448 pages, with 6 Half-tone Illustrations. + + DUTY. With Illustrations of Courage, Patience, and Endurance. + 496 pages, with 5 Half-tone Illustrations. + + THRIFT. A Book of Domestic Counsel. + 448 pages, with 7 Half-tone Illustrations. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LOWEST RUNG*** + + +******* This file should be named 24587.txt or 24587.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/5/8/24587 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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