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+Project Gutenberg's Punch, or the London Charivari, July 1, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, July 1, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 18, 2008 [EBook #24357]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 147.
+
+
+
+July 1, 1914.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROGRESS.
+
+["Giving evidence recently before a Select Committee of the House of
+Commons, Miss C. E. Collet, of the Home Office, said the commercial
+laundry was killing the small hand laundry."--_Evening News._]
+
+  The little crafts! How soon they die!
+    In cottage doors no shuttle clicks;
+  The hand-loom has been ousted by
+    A large concern with lots more sticks.
+
+  The throb of pistons beats around;
+    Great chimneys rise on Thames's banks;
+  The same phenomena are found
+    In Sheffield. (Yorks) and Oldham (Lancs).
+
+  No longer now the housewife makes
+    Her rare preserves, for what's the good?
+  The factory round the corner fakes
+    Raspberry jam with chips of wood.
+
+  'Tis so with what we eat and wear,
+    Our bread, the boots wherein we splosh
+  'Tis so with what I deemed most fair,
+    Most virginal of all--the Wash.
+
+  'Tis this that chiefly, when I chant,
+    Fulfils my breast with sighs of ruth,
+  To think that engines can supplant
+    The Amazons I loved in youth.
+
+  That not with tender care, as erst
+    By spinster females fancy-free,
+  These button-holes of mine get burst
+    Before the shift comes back to me;
+
+  That mere machines, and not a maid
+    With fingers fatuously plied,
+  The collars and the cuffs have frayed
+    That still excoriate my hide;
+
+  That steam reduces to such states
+    What once was marred by human skill;
+  That socks are sundered from their mates
+    By means of an electric mill;
+
+  That not by Cupid's coy advance
+    (Some crone conniving at the fraud),
+  But simply by mechanic chance,
+    I get this handkerchief marked "Maud."
+
+  This is, indeed, a striking change;
+    I sometimes wonder if the world
+  Gets better as the skies grow strange
+    With coils of smoke about them curled.
+
+  If the old days were not the best
+    Ere printed formulas conveyed
+  Sorrow about that silken vest
+    For all eternity mislaid;
+
+  Ere yet the unwieldy motor-van
+    Came clattering round the kerbstone's brink,
+  Its driver dreaming some new plan
+    To make my mauve pyjamas shrink.
+
+Evoe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ENCHANTED CASTLE.
+
+There are warm days in London when even a window-box fails to charm, and
+one longs for the more open spaces of the country. Besides, one wants to
+see how the other flowers are getting on. It is on these days that we
+travel to our Castle of Stopes; as the crow flies, fifteen miles away.
+Indeed, that is the way we get to it, for it is a castle in the air. And
+when we are come to it Celia is always in a pink sun-bonnet gathering
+roses lovingly, and I, not very far off, am speaking strongly to
+somebody or other about something I want done. By-and-by I shall go into
+the library and work ... with an occasional glance through the open
+window at Celia.
+
+To think that a month ago we were quite happy with a few pink geraniums!
+
+Sunday, a month ago, was hot. "Let's take train somewhere," said Celia,
+"and have lunch under a hedge."
+
+"I know a lovely place for hedges," I said.
+
+"I know a lovely tin of potted grouse," said Celia, and she went off to
+cut some sandwiches. By twelve o'clock we were getting out of the train.
+
+The first thing we came to was a golf course, and Celia had to drag me
+past it. Then we came to a wood, and I had to drag her through it.
+Another mile along a lane, and then we both stopped together.
+
+"Oh!" we said.
+
+It was a cottage, the cottage of a dream. And by a cottage I mean, not
+four plain rooms and a kitchen, but one surprising room opening into
+another; rooms all on different levels and of different shapes, with
+delightful places to bump your head on; open fireplaces; a large square
+hall, oak-beamed, where your guests can hang about after breakfast,
+while deciding whether to play golf or sit in the garden. Yet all so
+cunningly disposed that from outside it looks only a cottage or, at
+most, two cottages persuaded into one.
+
+And, of course, we only saw it from outside. The little drive,
+determined to get there as soon as possible, pushed its way straight
+through an old barn, and arrived at the door simultaneously with the
+flagged lavender walk for the humble who came on foot. The rhododendrons
+were ablaze beneath the south windows; a little orchard was running wild
+on the west; there was a hint at the back of a clean-cut lawn. Also, you
+remember, there was a golf course, less than two miles away.
+
+"Oh," said Celia with a deep sigh, "but we must live here."
+
+An Irish terrier ran out to inspect us. I bent down and patted it. "With
+a dog," I added.
+
+"Isn't it all lovely? I wonder who it belongs to, and if----"
+
+"If he'd like to give it to us."
+
+"Perhaps he would if he saw us and admired us very much," said Celia
+hopefully.
+
+"I don't think Mr. Barlow is that sort of man," I said. "An excellent
+fellow, but not one to take these sudden fancies."
+
+"Mr. Barlow? How do you know his name?"
+
+"I have these surprising intuitions," I said modestly. "The way the
+chimneys stand up----"
+
+"I know," cried Celia. "The dog's collar."
+
+"Right, Watson. And the name of the house is Stopes."
+
+She repeated it to herself with a frown.
+
+"What a disappointing name," she said. "Just Stopes."
+
+"Stopes," I said. "Stopes, Stopes. If you keep on saying it, a certain
+old-world charm seems to gather round it. Stopes."
+
+"Stopes," said Celia. "It _is_ rather jolly."
+
+We said it ten more times each, and it seemed the only possible name for
+it. Stopes--of course.
+
+"Well?" I asked.
+
+"We must write to Mr. Barlow," said Celia decisively. "'Dear Mr. Barlow,
+er----Dear Mr. Barlow,----we----' Yes, it will be rather difficult. What
+do we want to say exactly?"
+
+"'Dear Mr. Barlow,--May we have your house?'"
+
+"Yes," smiled Celia, "but I'm afraid we can hardly ask for it. But we
+might rent it when--when he doesn't want it any more."
+
+"'Dear Mr. Barlow,'" I amended, "'have you any idea when you're! going
+to die?' No, that wouldn't do either. And there's another thing--we
+don't know his initials, or even if he's a 'Mr.' Perhaps he's a knight
+or a--a duke. Think how offended Duke Barlow would be if we put '----
+Barlow, Esq.' on the envelope."
+
+"We could telegraph. 'Barlow. After you with Stopes.'"
+
+"Perhaps there's a young Barlow, a Barlowette or two with expectations.
+It may have been in the family for years."
+
+"Then we----Oh, let's have lunch." She sat down and began to undo the
+sandwiches. "Dear o' Stopes," she said with her mouth full.
+
+We lunched outside Stopes. Surely if Earl Barlow had seen us he would
+have asked us in. But no doubt his dining-room looked the other way;
+towards the east and north, as I pointed out to Celia, thus being
+pleasantly cool at lunch-time.
+
+"Ha, Barlow," I said dramatically, "a time will come when _we_ shall be
+lunching in there, and _you_----bah!" And I tossed a potted-grouse
+sandwich to his dog.
+
+However, that didn't get us any nearer.
+
+"Will you _promise_," said Celia, "that we shall have lunch in there one
+day?"
+
+"I promise," I said readily. That gave me about sixty years to do
+something in.
+
+"I'm like--who was it who saw something of another man's and wouldn't be
+happy till he got it?"
+
+"The baby in the soap advertisement."
+
+"No, no, some king in history."
+
+"I believe you are thinking of Ahab, but you aren't a bit like him,
+really. Besides, we're not coveting Stopes. All we want to know is, does
+Barlow ever let it in the summer?"
+
+"That's it," said Celia eagerly.
+
+"And, if so," I went on, "will he lend us the money to pay the rent
+with?"
+
+"Er--yes," said Celia. "That's it."
+
+
+So for a month we have lived in our Castle of Stopes. I see Celia there
+in her pink sun-bonnet, gathering the flowers lovingly, bringing an
+armful of them into the hall, disturbing me sometimes in the library
+with "_Aren't_ they beauties? No, I only just looked in--good luck to
+you." And she sees me ordering a man about importantly, or waving my
+hand to her as I ride through the old barn on my road to the
+golf-course.
+
+But this morning she had an idea.
+
+"Suppose," she said timidly, "you _wrote_ about Stopes, and Mr. Barlow;
+happened to see it, and knew how much we wanted it, and----"
+
+"Well?"
+
+"Then," said Celia firmly, "if he were a gentleman he would give it to
+us."
+
+Very well. Now we shall see if Mr. Barlow is a gentleman.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Correspondence.
+
+"Equal Rights" writes:--
+
+    "Dear Sir,--Why are descriptive names confined to boxers, such
+    as Bombardier Wells and Gunboat Smith? Why not Rifleman Redmond,
+    Airman Churchill, Solicitor George, Golfer Asquith, Bushman
+    Wilding, Trundler Hitch, Dude Alexander, Bandsman Beecham,
+    Hunger-Striker Pankhurst? Or, to take Editors----"
+
+[The rest of this communication is omitted owing to considerations of
+space.--Ed.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHEN THE SHIPS COME HOME.
+
+[Illustration: Greece. "ISN'T IT TIME WE STARTED FIGHTING AGAIN?"
+
+Turkey. "YES, I DARESAY. HOW SOON COULD YOU BEGIN?"
+
+Greece. "OH, IN A FEW WEEKS."
+
+Turkey. "NO GOOD FOR ME. SHAN'T BE READY TILL THE AUTUMN".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "We're giving our pastor a new drawing-room carpet on the
+occasion on his jubilee. Show me something that looks nice but isn't too
+expensive."
+
+"Here is the very thing, Madame--real Kidderminister."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EGYPT IN VENICE.
+
+"_La Légende de Joseph._"
+
+Those who know the kind of attractions that the Russian ballet offers in
+so many of its themes could have easily guessed, without previous
+enlightenment, what episode in the life of Joseph had been selected for
+illustration last week at Drury Lane. But they could never have guessed
+that Herr Tiessen, author of a shilling guide to the intentions of the
+composer, would attach a transcendental significance to the conduct of
+_Potiphar's Wife_. "Through the unknown divine," he informs us, "which
+is still new and mysterious to her, an imperious desire awakens in her
+to fathom, to possess this world"--the world, that is to say, which
+_Joseph's_ imagination creates in the course of an exhibition dance. If
+this is so, I can only say that her behaviour is strangely misleading.
+
+The scene opens at a party given by _Potiphar_ in Venice. Venice, of
+course, was not _Potiphar's_ home address; and I marvel a little at the
+change of _venue_ when I think how much more harmony could have been got
+out of an Egyptian setting. But then I remind myself that the Russian
+ballet is nothing if not _bizarre_. The long banqueting-table recalls
+the canvases of Veronese, but with discordant notes of the Orient and
+elsewhere. _Potiphar_ himself, seated on a dais, has the air of an
+Assyrian bull. By his side _Mme. Potiphar_ wears breeches ending above
+the knee, with white stockings and high clogs.
+
+For the entertainment of the guests there was a dance of nuptial
+unveiling and a bout between half-a-dozen Turkish boxers. But it was a
+decadent and _blazé_ company, and something more piquant was needed for
+their titillation. This was supplied in the shape of an original dance
+by the fifteen-year-old _Joseph_, whom my guide describes as "graceful,
+wild and pungent." He was introduced in a recumbent posture, and asleep,
+on a covered stretcher, and at first I had the clever idea that he was
+the customary corpse that appeared at Egyptian feasts to remind the
+company of their liability to die. But when he woke up and began to
+dance I saw at once that I was wrong.
+
+I now know all about the interpretation of _Joseph's_ dance; but I defy
+anyone to say at sight and without a showman's assistance what precisely
+he was after. In the Third Figure (according to my guide-book) "there is
+in his leaps a feeling of heaviness, as if he were bound to earth, and
+he stumbles once or twice as one who has missed his goal;" but how was I
+to guess that this signified that his "searching after God" was still
+ineffectual? or that when in the Fourth Figure he "leaps with light
+feet" this meant that "Joseph has found God"? I don't blame the boy for
+not knowing the rule that forbids one art to trespass on the domain of
+another; but there is no excuse for Herr Strauss, who must have been
+well aware that, for the conveyance of any but the most obvious
+emotions, mute dancing can never be a satisfactory substitute for
+articulate poetry.
+
+However, _Potiphar's_ guests seemed better instructed than I was, for
+they threw off their apathy and took quite an intelligent interest in
+_Joseph's_ _pas seul_. Indeed, one young man (the episode escaped me at
+the dress rehearsal, but I have it in the guide-book)--one young man,
+"sobbing, buries his head in his hands, upsetting thereby a dish of
+fruit." As for _Potiphar_, it failed to stir the sombre depths of his
+abysmal boredom, but his wife, whose ennui had hitherto been of the most
+profound, began to sit up and take notice, and at the end of the dance
+she sent for _Joseph_ and supplemented his rather exiguous costume with
+a gross necklace of jewels, letting her hand linger awhile on his bare
+neck. Already, it will be seen, she was intrigued with the "unknown
+divine." _Joseph_, on the contrary, received her attentions without
+_empressement_.
+
+In the next scene--after a rather woolly and unintelligible
+interlude--we see _Joseph_ retiring to his couch in an alcove behind the
+place where the banqueting-table had been. You will judge how urgent was
+the lady's keenness to probe the mysteries of his divine nature when I
+tell you that she could not wait till the morning to pursue her
+enquiries, but must needs visit him in his chamber at dead of night, and
+wearing the one garment of the hour. At first, still half dreaming, he
+mistakes her for an angel (he had already seen one in his sleep), but
+subsequently, growing suspicious, he repels her with a dignified
+disdain. For I must tell you that, whatever the guide-book may allege
+about the loftiness of her designs, the music gave her away. It
+reverted, in fact, to the motive of those passages which had already
+accompanied and illustrated the nuptial dance, the dance (as Herr
+Tiessen calls it) of "burning Love-longing."
+
+At this juncture, _Potiphar_ and his minions break upon the scene. His
+wife, after denouncing _Joseph_, is distracted between passion of hatred
+and passion of love, and there is some play (reminding one of
+_L'Après-midi d'un Faune_) with the purple cloak which _Joseph_ had
+discarded. Presently she eludes her dilemma by fainting.
+
+Meanwhile it has been the work of a moment to order up a brazier, a pair
+of pincers, a poker, a headsman and an axe. The instruments of torture
+waste no time in getting red-hot; and we anticipate the worst. _Joseph_,
+however, who has ignored these preparations and maintained an attitude
+of superbly indifferent aloofness, suddenly becomes luminous under great
+pressure of limelight; and most of the cast, including a ballet of
+female dervishes, are abashed to the ground.
+
+Now appears, on the open-work entresol at the back of the stage, an
+archangel. The guide-book is in error where it says that he glides
+downwards on a shaft of light radiating from a star. As a matter of fact
+he walks down the main staircase to the ground floor. Approaching
+_Joseph_ he takes him by the hand and "leads him heavenwards" by the
+same flight of steps; and we are to understand that, in the opinion of
+Herr Strauss, the boy's subsequent career, as recorded in the Hebraic
+Scriptures, may be treated as negligible.
+
+I should like, in excuse of my own flippancy, to assume the same
+detachment, and to regard this ballet-theme as having practically no
+relation whatever to Biblical history, but being just one of many themes
+out of Oriental lore, mostly secular, that lend themselves to the drama
+of disappointed passion. My only serious protest is against the
+hypocrisy which pretends, with regard to _Potiphar's Wife_, to see a
+spiritual significance in what is mere vulgar animalism.
+
+I ought, by the way, to have said that, in a spasm of chagrin, she
+chokes herself with the pearl necklace which lent the only touch of
+superfluity to her night attire, and was carried out--but not up the
+main staircase. Thus ends this sordid tragedy that so well illustrates
+that quality in Herr Strauss to which my guide refers when he speaks of
+his realization of a "poignant longing for divine cheerfulness."
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Excuse me, Sir, but would you like to buy a nice little
+dawg?"
+
+"No, thanks very much. He looks as though he would bite."
+
+"'E won't bite yer _if you buy 'im_, Guv'ner."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENIGMA.
+
+    My love to me is cold,
+  And no more seeks my gaze; I wonder why!
+  The smile of welcome that I loved of old
+    No longer lights her eye.
+
+    One little week ago
+  I asked no surer guide than Cupid's chart;
+  I said, "Your eyes reveal the depths below,
+    And I can read your heart."
+
+    She let her shy gaze fall,
+  And smiling asked, "Is then my face a screed,
+  My brow an open love-letter, where all
+    The world my thoughts may read?"
+
+    Said I, "The world, I'll vow,
+  Is blind! Myself alone may see the signs,
+  And know the message written on your brow:
+    I read between the lines."
+
+    My dear to me is cold;
+  Gone somewhere is the love-light from her eye;
+  And, when our ways meet, stately she doth hold
+    Her course. I wonder why.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Curiously, the Australian Minister of Defence in the last
+    Parliament bore the same name as the Prime Minister in that
+    which has just been dissolved."
+
+    _Westminster Gazette._
+
+A similar curious coincidence happened in England, the War Minister in
+the last Parliament bearing the same name as the present Lord
+Chancellor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MEN FOR THE ANTARCTIC.
+
+    105 Canadian Dogs to go with Sir E. Shackleton."
+
+    _Daily Express._
+
+A gay lot, these Canadians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SCANDALMONGRIAN ROMANCE.
+
+(_By Francis Scribble._)
+
+[_The following article, specially written for us by the Author of "Ten
+Frail Beauties of the Restoration," "Tales Told by a Royal Washerwoman,"
+etc., is another important contribution to the literature of the Royal
+Dirty-Linen Bag._]
+
+A day or two ago a short notice in the papers told of the death of Mrs.
+Maria Tubbs at Cannes; but few, if any, of those who read that brief
+announcement will have recognised in it the close of one of the most
+amazing careers of the nineteenth century. Yet little surprise need be
+expressed at this general ignorance, for who would think to find under
+that somewhat common-place name the ravishingly beautiful Maria
+Cotherstone, who, forty years ago, was swept by Fate into the track of
+the late King of Scandalmongria, and well-nigh caused that singularly
+unstable bark to founder? It is with the kindly object of rescuing her
+romance from oblivion that this brief chronicle is written.
+
+In 1873 the Scandalmongrian Minister in London was requested to find an
+English lady to take charge of the two children of his Royal master,
+and, after searching enquiries, he was successful, and Miss Maria
+Cotherstone turned her back on England never more to return. She was
+just twenty-two, fresh and blooming, possessed of the gayest of spirits,
+delightful manners and the highest accomplishments. Quietly she assumed
+control of the Royal schoolroom, and by her charm no less than by her
+firmness she quickly won the respect and love of her charges. Well had
+it been for her memory if her influence had never spread beyond the
+walls of her schoolroom; this article had then been unwritten. But alas
+for human nature! One day His Majesty's eyes fell upon the person of his
+children's governess, and then began one of the most sordid intrigues it
+has ever been my pleasure to recall. [A large statement, as readers of
+our author's _Gleanings from a Royal Dustbin_ will readily acknowledge.
+However, the succeeding three-quarter of a column of details, here
+omitted, prove that there is at least some foundation for the remark.]
+
+... And so their romance ended, and His Majesty returned to the bosom of
+his family and became once more the righteous upholder of the sanctity
+of the marriage tie. At first his easy-going Court smiled somewhat at
+the claim; but, when one or two highly-placed officials presumed to
+follow in the footsteps of their Sovereign, and were in consequence
+banished irrevocably from his presence, Scandalmongrian Society realised
+with a pained surprise that what is venial in a monarch may, in a
+subject, be a damnable offence.
+
+And what of Maria, the charming, fascinating, much injured Maria? For
+several years she is lost, and then we hear of her marriage at Rome to
+"John Tubbs, Esq., of London," and once again she vanishes, only to turn
+up many years later at Cannes. She is a widow now, and a model of all
+the virtues. Who so staid and respectable as Madam? Who so charitable to
+the poor? Few, it is to be feared, will have recognised in that handsome
+old lady, so regular in her attendance at the services of the English
+Church, the beauteous Maria Cotherstone whose name was once on the lips
+of everybody from one end of Europe to the other. It nearly happened,
+indeed, that she went down to her grave with all her scandalous,
+feverish past forgotten, leaving behind her only the fragrant memory of
+her later life. But I have saved her. It is a queer story, quite
+interesting enough to recall.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN.
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "That's a nicely-made dress you have on,
+Jane. It's like the new parlourmaid's, isn't it?"
+
+_Jane (a close student of the fashion catalogues)._ "Oh no, Ma'am,
+_this_ is _quite_ a different creation."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+It is not only misfortune that makes strange bedfellows. Both Earl
+Beauchamp and Sir Joseph Beecham appear in the recent Honours List.
+
+       ***
+
+By-the-by, it is denied that Sir Joseph Beecham was in any way
+responsible for the Government's "Pills for Earthquakes," by which it
+was hoped to avert the Irish crisis.
+
+       ***
+
+A New York cable announces that the Duke of Manchester is interesting
+himself in a cinematograph proposition of a philanthropic nature, and
+that the company will be known as the "Church and School Social Service
+Corporation for the Advancement of Moral and Religious Education and
+Social Uplift Work through the medium of the Higher Art of the Moving
+Picture." It will of course be possible for the man in a hurry to call
+it, _tout court_, the
+"C.&S.S.S.C.F.T.A.O.M.&R.E.&S.U.W.T.T.M.O.T.H.A.O.T.M.P."
+
+       ***
+
+The penny off the income tax came just in time. It enabled several
+Liberal plutocrats to buy a rose on Alexandra Day.
+
+       ***
+
+The balance-sheet of the German Company which had been running a
+Zeppelin airship passenger service has just been issued, and shows a
+loss of £10,000 on the year's working. This is not surprising, the
+difficulty which all aircraft experience to keep their balance.
+
+       ***
+
+At the launch of the liner _Bismarck_ last week, the bottle of
+wine--which was thrown by the Countess Hannah von Bismarck missed the
+vessel, whereupon the Kaiser hauled back the bottle, and with his
+proverbial good luck hit the target.
+
+       ***
+
+Five shots were fired last week at Baron Henri de Rothschild. At first
+it was thought that this was done to stop the author of _Croesus_ from
+writing more plays, but, when it transpired that the assailant was a man
+who objected to the "Rothschild Cheap Milk Supply," public sympathy
+veered round in favour of the Baron.
+
+       ***
+
+Messrs. Selfridge and Co. were last week defrauded by a well-dressed
+man, who obtained two dressing-bags with silver fittings by means of a
+trick without paying for them. This is really abominable. It is bad
+enough when merely commercial firms are victimised: to best a
+philanthropic institution in this way is peculiarly base.
+
+       ***
+
+"Mexican Rebel Split."
+
+_Morning Post._
+
+Now perhaps the other civilised Powers will intervene. We have heard of
+many inhumanities marking the war in Mexico, but this treatment of a
+rebel is surely the limit.
+
+       ***
+
+It is not often, we imagine, that the British Navy is used to enforce a
+change of diet. H.M.S. _Torch_ has just been ordered on a punitive
+expedition to Malekula Island, where certain of the natives have been
+eating some of their compatriots.
+
+       ***
+
+An American woman, according to _The Express_, has a serious complaint
+about the London policeman. She declares that she walked all the way
+from Queen's Hall to Piccadilly Circus with three buttons of her blouse
+undone at the back, and "not a single policeman" offered to do it up for
+her. No doubt the Force was reluctant to interfere with what might turn
+out to be the latest fashion. A Boy Scout who offered, the other day, to
+sew up a split skirt got his ears soundly boxed.
+
+       ***
+
+Meanwhile the glad tidings reach us that women's skirts and bodices are
+to fasten in front instead of at the back. Husbands all over the world
+who have on occasions been pressed into their wives' service as maids,
+only to learn that they were clumsy boobies, would like to have the name
+of the arbiter of fashion who is responsible for this innovation, as
+there is some thought of erecting a statue to him.
+
+       ***
+
+Some distinguished German professors have been discussing the question
+of the best place in which to keep a baby in summer. It is
+characteristic, however, of these unpractical persons that not one of
+them suggests the obvious ice-safe.
+
+       ***
+
+"One of the first things the rich should learn," says Dean Inge, "is
+that money is not put to the best use when it is merely spent on
+enjoyment." It is hoped that this pronouncement may lead wealthy people
+to patronise our concert-halls more than they do.
+
+       ***
+
+"£1,600," a newspaper tells us, "were found hidden in the cork leg of
+Harry C. Wise while he was undergoing treatment in a hospital at
+Denver." And now, we suspect, Harry's friends will always be pulling his
+leg.
+
+       ***
+
+"Have you seen _Pelleas and Mélisande_?"
+
+"No. Is it as funny as _Potash and Perlmutter_?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COLLECTORS.
+
+My dinner partner was a self-made man and not ashamed of it.
+
+"Do you take an interest in china, ma'am?" he asked me.
+
+I felt that if I said "Yes" I should have to buy some. So I said "No,"
+but he didn't wait to hear what I said.
+
+"I think I may say," he continued, "that I have the finest collection of
+old Dresden china in London."
+
+He went into the figures, explaining the cost price and the difficulty
+of storage.
+
+"Oh," said I, "if you find it a nuisance, I've a parlour-maid I could
+recommend to you; just the girl to help you to get rid of it."
+
+At this point I think he had some idea of having the finest collection
+of parlourmaids in Middlesex, but he made it small dogs instead. Was I
+interested in these? No, but I supposed I'd have to be if he insisted.
+
+"I don't think I should be far wrong," he began, but I hustled him
+through to the end of his sentence.
+
+"Finest collection in--?" I asked.
+
+"England," he said.
+
+He went over their points, and in an expansive moment I marvelled. This
+was imprudent, as it caused him to search his mind for some further
+spectacular triumph wherewith to amaze and delight.
+
+"That," he said, looking up the table, "is my wife."
+
+"Marvellous," said I.
+
+He took this in the best part. "You refer to her diamonds?" he said.
+
+"Did I?" said I.
+
+"The finest collection in Great Britain," he declared, and spread
+himself over the subject.
+
+Later, in a mood of concession, he inquired as to my specialities. I had
+none, at least none that I could think of. Determined to extract
+something noteworthy, he questioned me on every possibility. Was I not
+married? That was so, I agreed, but then so many women are.
+
+"You have sons, ma'am?" he persisted, with that implacable optimism to
+which, among other things, he no doubt owed his success in the world.
+
+I thought of Baby. "Ah yes, of course," I said. "The finest collection
+in Europe."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'In Norway,' she says, 'we do not eat one-third the quantity
+    that the English eat; our meals are simpler and shorter. I
+    believe that this is the cause of the enormous amount of
+    indigestion that is suffered by the English.'"
+
+    _Daily News and Leader._
+
+So our doctor, who attributed our indigestion to lobster mayonnaise, was
+wrong again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KINDNESS TO SUBJECTS.
+
+[One of our illustrated papers recently published a picture of the King
+of Spain in a motor-car which had broken down. The car was being pushed
+along by some helpful people, and the comment on the picture was, "It is
+these thoughtful little acts that make royalty so popular nowadays."
+Lest it should be thought that the other potentates of Europe take less
+trouble to make themselves beloved by their subjects, we hasten to give
+a few instances which have come to our notice.]
+
+[Illustration: Last week the King of Cadonia had his hat blown off in
+the Blümengarten (the beautiful park near the Royal Palace). This kindly
+act should deepen the affection in which the monarch is held by his
+People.]
+
+[Illustration: A few days ago the Crown Prince of Schlossrattenheim had
+an accident with his aeroplane, which overturned near Schutzmeer.
+Fortunately his Royal Highness fell on a retired Wuerst-haendler who was
+walking on the beach.
+
+The Crown Prince's devotion to his beloved subjects is well known, and
+this tactful deed was only another instance of it.]
+
+[Illustration: Yesterday Prince John of Pumpenhosen inadvertently
+collided with a pleasure-yacht at the mouth the harbour of Krebs while
+trying a new motor boat. All the passengers were saved and the Prince
+showed no signs of fear.
+
+This should enhance his great popularity, if such a thing were
+possible.]
+
+[Illustration: King Stephan III. of Servilia, while playing on the links
+at Nibliksk last week, Initiated one of his equerries into the humour of
+the game. By this thoughtful act his Majesty adds to the deserved love
+and reverence in which he is held by the Servilians of all classes.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Alan_ (_to his mother, who is busy with a heavy
+house-cleaning_). "Please, Mother, read me a story."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WALKERS.
+
+  There were eight pretty walkers who went up a hill;
+  They were Jessamine, Joseph and Japhet and Jill,
+  And Allie and Sally and Tumbledown Bill,
+            And Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They were all in good training and all of them keen,
+  And their chief wore a coat and a waistcoat of green;
+  He was always a proud man and kept himself clean,
+  Did Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They intended to lunch when they got to the top
+  On a sandwich apiece and a biscuit and chop.
+  The provisions were carefully bought in a shop
+            By Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They were jesters of merit--the sort who can poke
+  Funny tales in your ribs till you splutter and choke;
+  But the best of the lot at a jibe or a joke
+            Was Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  It was ten of the clock when the walking began,
+  And they started with Tumbledown Bill in the van;
+  And the rear was brought up by that excellent man,
+            By Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They went off at a pace I am bound to deplore,
+  For they did twenty yards in a minute or more
+  And a yard or two over, a capital score
+            For Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They had all that pedestrians fairly can ask:
+  Smooth roads, sunny weather and beer in a cask,
+  And a friend who could teach them to stick to their task,
+            Viz.: Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  Yet I somehow suppose that they hadn't the knack,
+  For in spite of it all they have never come back,
+  And I own that the future looks dismally black
+            For Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  Now the walkers who seem to be stuck on the hill,
+  They are Jessamine, Joseph and Japhet and Jill,
+  And Allie and Sally and Tumbledown Bill,
+            And Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+King Peter of Servia.
+
+(From _The Daily Mirror_.)
+
+    "The proclamation, however, as given in a later message, reads
+    thus:--To My Beloved People: As I shall be prevented by illness
+    from exercising my royal power for some time, I order, by
+    Article 69 of the Constitution, that so long as my cure lasts
+    the Crown Prince Alexander shall govern in my name. On this
+    occasion I recommend my dear fatherland to the care of the
+    Almighty.
+
+    (Signed) Peter."
+
+"On this occasion" is perhaps a little invidious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two consecutive books in _The Western Daily Press_ list of publications
+received:--
+
+"Ring Strategy and Tactics.
+
+Charles Dickens in Chancery."
+
+The boxing boom continues.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EMERGENCY EXIT.
+
+[Illustration: Scene--_A Tight Place_.
+
+Child Herbert (_to "Wicked Baron"_). "MY LORD, I HAVE EVER REGARDED YOU
+AS A PESTILENT VILLAIN--NAY WORSE, AN HEREDITARY IMBECILE. I THEREFORE
+RELY ON YOUR BENEFICENT WISDOM TO FIND ME A WAY OUT OF THIS SINISTER
+WOOD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June 22._--Great muster of forces on both
+sides. Not wholly explained by second reading of Budget Bill standing as
+first Order. A section of Ministerialists, purists in finance, took
+exception to proposed procedure. Holt, spokesman at mouth of new Cave,
+put down amendment challenging Chancellor of Exchequer's proposals. Here
+was chance for watchful Opposition. If some thirty Ministerialists would
+go with them into Lobby it would not quite suffice to turn out Ministry;
+but it would be better than a Snap Division, with its personal
+inconvenience of preliminary hiding in bath-rooms and underground
+cellars.
+
+Cassel, adding to Parliamentary reputation studiously attained, raised
+subject on point of order. Underlying suggestion was that Budget Bill
+should be withdrawn and reintroduced under amended form of procedure.
+Speaker, whilst admitting irregularity, stopped short of approving
+extreme course. Pointed out that the matter might be put right by moving
+fresh resolutions.
+
+This disappointing. Worse to follow. The Infant Samuel, making fresh
+appearance in new part of understudy of Chancellor of Exchequer,
+conceded point of procedure made by Radical Cave. Promised objection
+should be fully met. Holt, amid ironical cheers from Opposition, said in
+these circumstances would not move amendment. Incident reminded Walter
+Long of story of the Colonel and the opossum up a tree.
+
+"Don't shoot!" said the Opossum; "I'll come down."
+
+Chancellor of the Exchequer had come down. No need for Colonel Holt to
+discharge his gun.
+
+Thus threatened crisis blew over. Members, cheered by promise of
+reduction by one half of proposed increase in Income Tax, got away early
+to attend various functions in honour of King's birthday.
+
+_Business done._--Second reading of Budget Bill moved.
+
+[Illustration: _Wicket-keeper_ (_Mr. Cassel_). "How's that?"
+
+_Umpire_ (_Mr. Speaker_). "Out!"
+
+_Batsman_ (_Mr. Lloyd George_). "Rotten antiquated rule!"
+
+["I did not expect ... that hon. members would go rummaging in the
+dustbins of ancient precedent to find obstacles to place in the way of
+these proposals."--_Mr. Lloyd George on his Budget._]]
+
+_House of Lords, Tuesday._--London season in full fling. May be said to
+reach dizziest height in this birthday week. Social engagements numerous
+and clashing. To-day House of Lords magnet of attraction of surpassing
+force. The thing for _grandes dames_ to do is to go down to the House
+and be present at opening of fresh tourney round Home Rule Bill.
+Accordingly, the peeresses, alive to their responsibility as leaders of
+high thinking and simple living, flock down to Westminster, filling
+side-galleries with grace, beauty, and some finely feathered hats.
+
+Seats on floor also crowded. Patriotic peers arriving late, finding no
+room on the benches where the Union Jack is kept flying, cross over.
+Temporarily seat themselves among the comparatively scanty flock of
+discredited Ministerialists. Bishops muster in exceptional number. Their
+rochets form wedge of spotless white thrust in centre of black-coated
+laity seated below Gangway on right of Woolsack. Space before Throne
+thronged with Privy Councillors availing themselves of the privilege
+their rank confers to come thus closely into contact with what is still
+an hereditary chamber.
+
+[Illustration: "Bill presented to Lords as a sort of lay figure, which
+they may, in accordance with taste and conviction, suitably clothe."]
+
+In centre of first row Carson uplifts his tall figure and surveys a
+scene he has done much to make possible.
+
+Perhaps in matter of dramatic interest the play did not quite come up to
+its superb setting. Principal parts taken by Crewe and Lansdowne.
+Neither accustomed to move House to spasms of enthusiasm. Leader of
+House, introducing what is officially known as Government of Ireland
+Amending Bill, made it clear in such sentences as were fully audible
+that scheme does not go a step beyond overture towards settlement
+proffered by Premier last March.
+
+Lansdowne expressed profound disappointment at this lack of enterprise.
+"Rather a shabby and undignified proceeding on the part of a strong
+Government," he said, "to come down with proposal they know to be wholly
+inadequate, and to hint that we ought to assist them in converting it
+into a practical and workable measure."
+
+Actual condition of things could not with equal brevity be more clearly
+stated. Bill presented to Lords as sort of lay figure, which they may,
+in accordance with taste and conviction, suitably clothe. No assurance
+forthcoming that style and fit will be approved when submitted to House
+of Commons, final arbiters.
+
+Meanwhile Bill read a first time, and ordered to be printed.
+
+_Business done._--The Commons still harping on the Budget. Tim Healy
+enlivened proceedings by vigorous personal attack on "the most reckless
+and incapable Chancellor of the Exchequer that ever sat on the Treasury
+Bench." Lloyd George's retort courteous looked forward to with interest.
+
+_House of Commons, Wednesday._--When, shortly after half-past five,
+Chancellor Of Exchequer rose to take part in debate on new development
+of Budget Bill, House nearly empty. Interests at stake enormous.
+Situation enlivened for Opposition by quandary of Government. But
+afternoon is hot, and from the silver Thames cool air blows over
+Terrace. Accordingly thither Members repair, leaving House to solitude
+and Chiozza Money.
+
+Benches rapidly filled when news went round that Chancellor was on his
+legs. Soon there was crowded audience. Sound of cheering and
+counter-cheering, applausive and derisive, frequently broke forth.
+Chancellor in fine fighting form. Malcontents in his own camp are
+reconciled. Hereditary foe in front. Went for him accordingly. Walter
+Long seated immediately opposite conveniently served as suitable target
+for whirling lance. Effectively quoted from speeches made by him at
+other times, insisting upon relief of the rate so heavily burdoned as to
+make it impossible to carry out social reforms of imperative necessity.
+
+"After these lavish professions of anxiety to help local authorities, I
+did not," said the Chancellor, "expect the right hon. gentleman and his
+friends would go rummaging in the dustbins of ancient precedent, to find
+obstacles to place in the way of proposals of reform."
+
+Carried away by his own eloquence, the Chancellor, whilst sarcastically
+complimentary to Walter Long, went so far as to call him "The Father of
+Form IV." The putative parent blushed. There were cries of "Order!" and
+"Withdraw!" Speaker did not interpose, and Chancellor hurried on to
+another point of his argument.
+
+Quite a long time since our old friend Form IV., at one time a familiar
+impulse to party vituperation, was mentioned in debate. This unexpected
+disclosure of its paternity made quite a stir.
+
+Son Austen followed Chancellor in brisk speech that led to one or two
+interludes of angry interruption across the Table. When he made an end
+of speaking, debate relapsed into former condition of languor. Talk
+dully kept up till half-past eleven.
+
+_Business done._--Further debate on Budget.
+
+_Thursday._--Chancellor of Exchequer admittedly allured by what he
+describes as "attractive features" of proposal to raise fresh revenue.
+It is simply the levying of a special tax on all persons using titles.
+
+Idea not absolutely new. Principle established in case of citizens
+displaying crest or coat-of-arms. What is novel is suggested method of
+taxation. Differing from the dog-tax, levied at a common rate, it is
+proposed that our old nobility shall, in this fresh recognition of their
+lofty estate, be dealt with on a sliding scale. A duke will have his
+pre-eminence recognised by an exceptionally high rate of taxation.
+Marquises, earls and a' that will be mulct on a descending scale, till
+the lowly knight is reached. He will be compensated for comparative
+obscurity in the glittering throng by being let off for a nominal sum.
+
+Chancellor fears it is too late to adopt proposal this year, a way of
+putting it which seems to suggest that we may hear more of it in next
+year's Budget.
+
+_Business done._--Hayes Fisher's Amendment to Budget Bill negatived by
+303 votes to 265. Reduction of Ministerial majority to 38 hailed with
+boisterous burst of cheers and counter-cheers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Garden City Washing-day.
+
+Our sensitive artist insists on a harmonious colour-scheme.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Lord Mayor (on hearing a certain Peel): "Turn again (in your grave),
+Whittington."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+New song for old Cantabs.:--
+
+"O. B., what can the maté be?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUS IN URBE.
+
+No, this is not the Russian ballet. It is the English Folk Dance
+Society, and their performances at the Royal Horticultural Hall at
+Westminster the other day showed that the Russian ballet is not to have
+things all its own way. I am not going to moralise upon the salacious
+quality of some of the themes of our exotic visitors, but certainly it
+would be difficult to find a stronger contrast to their ruling passion
+than is presented by the purity and simplicity of these country dances.
+
+"Sellinger's Bound," danced to an air that lulled _Titania_ to sleep all
+through the winter at the Savoy, was the most popular, with its ring of
+a dozen dancers, hands joined, running together into the centre of their
+circle, as if to honour some imaginary deity--possibly Mr. Cecil Sharp,
+director of the Society, who has collected and revived the airs to which
+they dance.
+
+Then there were the Morris-dances, "Shepherd's Hey" (with nothing about
+a "nonny-nonny" in it), and "Haste to the Wedding." There might perhaps
+be a greater propriety in the latter if it were confined to men; but at
+least it raised no apprehension that anybody was going to "repent at
+leisure." In the "Flamborough Sword" dance, the men (with no Amazon
+assistance) raced through the figure and out again, eight of them, armed
+with bloodless wooden swords--a finely ordered riot.
+
+"Lady's Pleasure," a Morris-jig for two men, lays hold of you at the
+first bar, and again with a fresh grip and a tighter as the music slows
+up for the dancers to do their "capers"--all to the music of Mr. Cecil
+Sharp at the piano and Miss Avril at the fiddle.
+
+The object of The English Folk Dance Society is to teach rather than to
+perform in public. Hence the rarity of their displays, and the better
+reason why we should seize, when they come, our chances of assisting at
+these delightful exhibitions of an art whose revival has done so much to
+restore to the countryside the unpretentious joys that gave its name to
+Merrie England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was the time when Henry III. was batting with Simon de
+    Montfort and his Barons"--_Straits Times._
+
+But not at Lord's, which has only just celebrated its centenary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREAT ECONOMY EFFECTED BY CO-OPERATION IN ADVERTISEMENT.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MILITANTS' TARIFF.
+
+_Etna Lodge, W._
+
+Mrs. Bangham Smasher, having entered into partnership with the Misses
+Burnham Blazer, as General Agents of Destruction, begs to inform the
+public that the firm will prepared to execute commissions of all kinds,
+at the shortest notice, on the very moderate terms given below:--
+
+                                                £   s.  _d_.
+
+For breaking windows, per window                   0   7   6
+For howling, kicking, or biting during service
+in church, per howl, kick, or bite                 0  10   6
+For sitting on doorsteps of obnoxious persons,
+per hour, if fine                                  0  15   0
+For sitting on doorsteps of obnoxious persons,
+per hour, if wet                                   1   1   0
+For damaging golf greens, per green                1  11   6
+For throwing shoes at magistrates in court,
+according to size and weight of shoe,
+from                                               2   2   0
+For beating officials connected with gaols         3   3   0
+For slashing and hacking valuable pictures,
+from                                               7   7   0
+For bombs not intended to explode                  8   8   0
+For burning down a house, according to value
+and social position of owner, from                10   0   0
+For insulting exalted Personages, per insult      10  10   0
+For burning down a modern red-brick
+church                                            15  15   0
+For burning down a specially valuable and
+interesting ancient one (eleventh and
+twelfth centuries extra)                          21   0   0
+For bombs warranted to destroy an ordinary
+church.                                           30   0   0
+For bombs suited to wreck really superior
+Buildings, such as Westminster Abbey
+and St. Paul's                                    50   0   0
+For disturbing public meetings and the
+general harassing and annoyance of all
+peaceable and decent people                       No charge.
+
+Bangham Smasher, Burnham Blazer & Co. beg to assume their patrons that
+all the choppers, hammers, bombs, stones, etc., employed in their
+business are of the very best quality, and only refined paraffin and wax
+matches will be used in burning down any building.
+
+Being in a position to offer such exceptional advantages they trust to
+receive a large measure of support in their elevating and enlightening
+work.
+
+If none of the above is found suitable to the needs of intending
+clients, a further list of assorted outrages will be supplied on
+application.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE'S LOGIC.
+
+  My happiness is in another's keeping,
+    My heart delivered to a maiden's care,
+  And she can cast it down or set it leaping
+    (The latter process is extremely rare);
+  Ah, would that love indeed had made me blind,
+  That I might put her image out of mind!
+
+  Yet if I looked at her with eyes unseeing
+    Her voice and laughter would not pass unheard;
+  I should not be a reasonable being,
+    I still should tremble at her lightest word;
+  How could I then gain freedom from the spell
+  Unless I turned completely deaf as well?
+
+  So, blind and deaf, I might perhaps recover
+    A partial peace of mind, but all in vain,
+  For memories pursue the luckless lover,
+    And only death can ease him of his pain.
+  Thus, having proved that I were better dead,
+  I think I'll go and talk to her instead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BALM FOR THE BRAINLESS.
+
+    ["If one man has more brains than another, which enable him to
+    outstrip his fellows, is not that good fortune? What had he got
+    to do with it? If your brain is a bad one, it is not your
+    responsibility. If your brain is a good one it is not your
+    merit. Some men have greater physical, mental, moral strength
+    than others that enables them to win in the race. That is their
+    good fortune and they ought to be grateful for it; and the one
+    way they can best show their gratitude is by helping those who
+    are less fortunate than themselves. Men endowed with any, or
+    most, or all of these fortunate conditions ought not to be
+    stingy in helping others who have not been so fortunate as
+    themselves."--Mr. _Lloyd George at Denmark Hill, June 30_.]
+
+As a result of Mr. Lloyd George's vivid and convincing pronouncement on
+the responsibilities of the fortunate, we have been deluged with appeals
+from all sorts and conditions of unlucky correspondents. We select the
+following from among the most deserving cases in the hope that our
+opulent readers may avail themselves of the chances thus offered of
+redressing the partiality of fortune.
+
+The Cry of the Cracksman.
+
+_The Sanctuary, Crookhaven._
+
+Sir,--Endowed by nature with an imperfect moral sense and a complete
+inability to discriminate between _meum_ and _tuum_, I was irresistibly
+impelled at an early age to adopt the precarious profession of
+housebreaker. I have just served a sentence of three years, and was on
+the point of resuming my career when I read Mr. Lloyd George's
+epoch-making speech at Denmark Hill, in which he clearly defines the
+duty of the State to redress the inequalities of moral as well as
+material endowment by which so large a proportion of the community is
+penalised. I am the master of a fine literary style and admirably suited
+to discharge any secretarial duties, but it is only right that I should
+clearly explain at the outset that it is no use offering me any post
+unless it is so well salaried that I should never feel it was worth
+while to explore or appropriate the contents of my employer's safe.
+
+Respectfully yours,
+
+Raphael Bunny.
+
+
+The Luck of the Law.
+
+_Railway Carriage Bungalow,
+
+Shoreham, Sussex._
+
+Sir,--It is precisely thirty years since I was called to the Bar, and
+several of my contemporaries have already been elevated to the Bench,
+while Sir John Simon, who is considerably my junior, is in the receipt
+of a salary probably double that drawn by an ordinary Judge. My earnings
+for the last ten years have exempted me from income-tax, but this is but
+a poor consolation when I consider that were it not for the caprice of
+fortune I should probably be returning £400 or £500 a year to the
+Exchequer in super-tax. But not only have I been badly treated in regard
+to mental equipment; I have been further handicapped by hereditary
+conscientious objection to pay any bills. An annuity of £500 a year, or
+only one-tenth of the salary of a Judge, is the minimum that my
+self-respect will allow me to accept in payment of the State's
+long-standing debt to
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+William Weir.
+
+
+The Cruelty of Competition.
+
+Sir,--I confidently appeal for your support in the application for a
+grant which I am forwarding to the Prime Minister. My son, aged 14, has
+failed to win an entrance scholarship at Winchester and Charterhouse,
+not from any fault of his own, but simply owing to the unfair
+competition of other candidates more liberally endowed with brains. At a
+modest estimate I calculate that the extra drain on my resources for the
+next eight years in consequence of this undeserved hardship will amount
+to at least £600, which I can ill afford owing to unfortunate
+speculations in Patagonian ruby mines--another example of that bad luck
+which, in the noble words of the Chancellor Of the Exchequer, it is the
+privilege of the prosperous to remedy.
+
+I am, Sir, yours expectantly,
+
+(Rev.) J. Stonor Brooke.
+
+
+_Vis inertiæ._
+
+_Lotus Lodge, Limpsfield._
+
+Sir,--A victim since birth to congenital lassitude, which has rendered
+all labour, whether manual or mental, distasteful, nay, intolerable to
+me, I find myself at the age of 41 so out of touch with the spirit of
+strenuous effort which has invaded every corner of our national life
+that I am anxious to confer on the State or, failing that, some
+meritorious millionaire the privilege of providing for my modest needs.
+A snug sinecure with a commodious residence and a good car--cheap
+American motors are of course barred--represent the indispensable
+minimum.
+
+I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
+
+Everleigh Slack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some day, says the President of the Aero Club, we shall be able to go
+into a shop and buy a pair of wings. But we can do that already; the
+only difficulty is to fly with them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Gentleman, middle aged, would be glad of a few correspondents
+    (40 to 60)."
+
+    _T. P.'s Weekly._
+
+Too Many.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SILENT CHARMER.
+
+    [Speaking of flowers a contemporary recently remarked:--"These
+    careless-looking creatures filling the air with delight, robbing
+    tired brains of tiredness, are a delicate texture of coloured
+    effort that has prevailed out of a thousand chances, aided in
+    all that effort by man. Without man they would be but weeds--a
+    profusion of Nature's quantity."]
+
+  My dearest Thomas, I would not
+    Deny the fact that you are clever;
+  You've taught Dame Nature what is what
+    At horticultural endeavour
+  (She has not got that useful thing,
+  The shilling book of gardening).
+
+  She has her merits, but, of course,
+    Her wild attempts won't stand comparing
+  With such a floral _tour de force_
+    As that geranium you are wearing;
+  Yon chosen emblem of your skill
+  Must surely make her wilder still.
+
+  But give me Nature; when we meet
+    She does not prattle of her posies,
+  Dull facts of what begonias eat,
+    The dietetic fads of roses,
+  And how she strove with spade and spud.
+  Or nipped the green fly on the bud.
+
+  'Tis she that really soothes the brain,
+    Spreading her weeds in bright profusion,
+  And never troubling to explain
+    How much they owe to her collusion,
+  While, Thomas, _your_ achievements seem
+  To be your one and only theme.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. J. C. Parke, writing in _The Strand Magazine_ on the best way to
+beat Wilding, says:--
+
+    "Personally, after close observation and from playing against
+    him, I would suggest a determined attack on the champion's
+    forehead from the base-line."
+
+That ought to learn him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "His Majesty has been pleased to confer the dignity of an
+    Earldom of the United Kingdom upon Field-Marshal the Viscount
+    Kitchener of Khartoum, P.G.C., B.O.M.G.C., S.I.G.C.M.,
+    G.G.C.I.E."
+
+_Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+The old orders change, yielding place to new.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a magazine cover:--
+
+    "This magazine has been the turning point in many a man's
+    career. Spend twopence and half-an-hour on it.... Price
+    Threepence."
+
+We would rather pay the threepence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In our report of the wedding of Mr. Lee Kwee Law to Miss Chan
+    Siew Cheen we inadvertently left out the following, who also
+    sent presents_:----"--Straits Echo._
+
+And then they inadvertently left them out again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CURE FOR CRICKET.
+
+There is no longer any doubt that golf is threatening the supremacy of
+our national game. Judged by the only true standard--the amount of space
+allotted to it in the daily press--it is manifest that the encroachments
+of this insidious pastime have now reached a point where the cricket
+reformer must bestir himself before it is too late. We are convinced
+that so far we have been taking much too narrow a view. The time has
+come to look for light and leading outside the confines of our own Book
+of Rules. There are other games besides cricket. Let us call them to our
+councils.
+
+In the first place a valuable hint may surely be found in the
+development of Rugby football. It is common knowledge what immense
+results have followed the introduction, some twenty years ago, of the
+Four Three-quarter System. No spectator (and we cannot exist without the
+spectator) would ever dream now of returning to the old formation. Very
+well. The same principle can be easily adapted to our requirements in
+the form of the Three Batsmen System. The pitch would become an
+equilateral triangle, and we should suggest that the bowler have the
+option of bowling (from his own corner) at either of the two outlying
+batsmen (at theirs). Lots of interesting developments would follow, as,
+for instance, the institution of a sort of silly-point-short-mid-on in
+the centre of the triangle. (Should he be allowed to wear gloves?)
+
+Golf has also a lesson to teach us. We are all familiar with the huge
+strides that have been made by the introduction of the rubber-cored
+ball. We don't want to plagiarize, although a rubber-cored cricket ball
+is a nice idea. Why not aim at the opposite extreme and try a ball
+"reinforced" with concrete? The tingling of the batsman's fingers which
+might result could be neutralised by the use of a rubber-faced bat. This
+reform would, we believe, have one happy consequence. People wouldn't be
+so keen to play with their legs.
+
+As to lawn tennis--another dangerous rival--we hear a good deal in these
+days about "foot-faults." That seems to show the trend of modern
+thought. If we are to be in the swim we shall have to reconsider our
+no-ball rule. Why not make it a no-ball every time unless the bowler has
+both feet in the air at the moment when the ball leaves his hand? One
+might put up a little hurdle--nothing obtrusive--only a matter of a few
+inches high.
+
+We believe that something might even be done by borrowing from hockey
+the principle of the semi-circle, outside of which a goal may not be
+shot. The whole pitch might be enclosed in a circular crease--which
+would look uncommonly well in Press photographs. (We cannot exist
+without the Press.) No fielder inside the magic circle would be allowed
+to stop the ball with his feet.
+
+Finally there is the case of billiards, not a game that is very closely
+allied to cricket, but one from which much may be learned. How has
+billiards brightened itself? By adopting the great principle of
+"barring" certain strokes. Here we have got on to something really
+valuable. We propose to go one better, and draw up a schedule of the
+different conditions of barring under which matches may be played. It
+will only remain for secretaries, when fixtures are made, to arrange the
+terms by negotiation. In time to come, should we be able to carry our
+point, we shall all be familiar with such announcements as the
+following:--
+
+  Notts. _v._ Surrey. (Cut-barred.)
+  Gentlemen _v._ Players. (L.b.w.-barred.)
+  England _v._ Australia. (Googly-and-yorker-barred.)
+
+We do not pretend to have exhausted the subject, but we have made a
+start. We must look about us. Something may be learned, we firmly
+believe, even from skittles and ping-pong. Our national game cannot
+afford to exclude special features. It should have the best of
+everything.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Are you Mrs. Pilkington-Haycock?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Well, I am, and this is her pew."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Professional Candour.
+
+    "The sermon over, a collection was taken, and hardly a person
+    present did not contribute. Mgr. Benson's sermon went to the
+    hardest heart there. Even the journalists contributed."
+
+    _The Universe._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HERE, THERE AND LONDON LETTER.
+
+_With apologies to "The Westminster_ Gazette."_
+
+The Home of the South Saxons.
+
+Sussex, the county for which Mr. C. B. Fry (who hurt his leg in the
+Lord's centenary match) used to play before he moved to Hampshire, is an
+attractive division of the country to the south of London with a long
+sea border. Mr. Kipling has praised it in some memorable verses, and
+among frequent visitors to its principal town, Brighton, is the
+Chancellor of the Exchequer. The word Sussex is a contraction of South
+Saxon. All will wish the old Oxonian a speedy recovery from his strain.
+
+A Monetary Proverb.
+
+The origin of the old saying, "Penny wise, pound foolish," which has
+come into vogue again in connection with the revised income tax--for who
+can deny that the saving of the penny is wise?--is lost in obscurity;
+but there is no doubt that it is very ancient. Many nations have the
+same proverb in different terms as applied to their own currency. In
+France the coins to which the saying best applies would be the sou and
+the louis; in America, the cent and the dollar; and so forth.
+
+Cordiality before Party.
+
+The circumstance of Mr. Lulu Harcourt's unveiling a memorial to Mr.
+Joseph Chamberlain and Mr. Austen Chamberlain at the Albert Dock
+Hospital is not without precedent. On more than one occasion party
+differences have been similarly forgotten. Thus several golf-players
+contributed to _The Daily Telegraph_ shilling fund in honour of the
+great W. G. Grace some few years ago. Such sinking of private
+shibboleths is a very excellent thing and goes far to show how
+thoroughly sound and healthy English public life really is _au fond_.
+
+The Names of Colleges.
+
+Exeter College, Oxford, which has just celebrated its six hundredth
+anniversary, is not the only college which bears the same name as that
+of a city. Pembroke is another. Keble is, of course, named after the
+hymn-writer and divine; and Balliol, where C. S. C. played the wag so
+divertingly, after Balliol. _À propos_ of Oxford, it is a question
+whether that extremely amusing book, _Verdant Green_, is still much read
+by freshers.
+
+The Author of _The Little Minister._
+
+Sir James Barrie, who is said to have written a revue for production
+this autumn at a West-End Theatre, must not be confounded with the
+French sculptor, Barye, in spite of the similarity of name. Barye is
+famous chiefly for his bronzes of lions; and fortunately, in making his
+studies of these dangerous animals, he escaped the fate which so often
+befalls the trainer of wild beasts whose animals suddenly turn upon him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+The Alien.
+
+Once upon a time a poet was sitting at his desk in his cottage near the
+woods, trying to write.
+
+It was a hot summer day and great fat white clouds were sailing across
+the sky. He knew that he ought to be out, but still he sat on, pen in
+hand, trying to write.
+
+Suddenly, among all the other sounds of busy urgent life that were
+filling the warm sweet air, he heard the new and unaccustomed song of a
+bird. At least not new and not unaccustomed, but new and unaccustomed
+there, in this sylvan retreat. The notes poured out, now shrill, now
+mellow, now bubbling like musical water, but always rich with the joy of
+life, the fulness of happiness. Where had he heard it before? What bird
+could it be?
+
+Suddenly the poet's housekeeper hurried in. "Oh, Sir," she exclaimed,
+"isn't it a pity? Someone's canary has got free, and it's singing out
+here something beautiful."
+
+"Of course," said the poet--"a canary;" and he hastened out to see it.
+But before he could get there the bird had flown to a clump of elms a
+little way off, from which proceeded sweeter and more tumultuously
+exultant song than they had ever known.
+
+The poet walked to the elms with his field-glasses, and after a while he
+discerned among the million leaves, the little yellow bird, with its
+throat trembling with rapture.
+
+But the poet and his housekeeper were not the only creatures who had
+heard the strange melody.
+
+"I say," said one sparrow to another, "did you hear that?"
+
+"What?" inquired the other sparrow, who was busy collecting food for a
+very greedy family.
+
+"Why, listen," said the first sparrow.
+
+"Bless my soul," said the second. "I never heard that before."
+
+"That's a strange bird," said the first sparrow; "I've seen it. It's all
+yellow."
+
+"All yellow?" said the other. "What awful cheek!"
+
+"Yes, isn't it?" replied the first sparrow. "Can you understand what it
+says?"
+
+"Not a note," said the second. "Another of those foreigners, I suppose.
+We shan't have a tree to call our own soon."
+
+"That's so," said the first. "There's no end to them. Nightingales are
+bad enough, grumbling all night, and swallows, although there's not so
+many of them this year as usual; but when it comes to yellow
+birds--well."
+
+"Hullo," said a passing tit, "what's the trouble now?"
+
+"Listen," said the sparrows.
+
+The tit was all attention for a minute while the gay triumphant song
+went on.
+
+"Well," he said, "that's a rum go. That's new, that is. Novel, I call
+it. What is it?"
+
+"It's a yellow foreigner," said the sparrows.
+
+"What's to be done with it?" the tit asked.
+
+"There's only one thing for self-respecting British birds to do," said
+the first sparrow. "Stop it. Teach it a lesson."
+
+"Absolutely," said the tit. "I'll go and find some others."
+
+"Yes, so will we," said the sparrows; and off they all flew, full of
+righteous purpose.
+
+Meanwhile the canary sang on and on, and the poet at the foot of the
+tree listened with delight.
+
+Suddenly, however, he was conscious of a new sound--a noisy chirping and
+harsh squeaking which seemed to fill the air, and a great cloud of small
+angry birds assailed the tree. For a while the uproar was immense, and
+the song ceased; and then, out of the heart of the tumult, pursued
+almost to the ground where the poet stood, fell the body of a little
+yellow bird, pecked to death by a thousand avenging furies.
+
+Seeing the poet they made off in a pack, still shrilling and squawking,
+but conscious of the highest rectitude.
+
+The poet picked up the poor mutilated body. It was still warm and it
+twitched a little, but never could its life and music return.
+
+While he stood thoughtfully there an old woman, holding an open cage and
+followed by half-a-dozen children, hobbled along the path.
+
+"My canary got away," she said. "Have you seen it? It flew in this
+direction."
+
+"I'm afraid I have seen it," said the poet, and he opened his hand.
+
+"My little pet!" said the old woman. "It sang so beautifully, and it
+used to feed from my fingers. My little pet."
+
+The poet returned to his work. "'In tooth and claw,'" he muttered to
+himself, "'In tooth and claw.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW TO UTILISE THE ART OF "SUGGESTION."
+
+The Doctor, six down at the turn, "suggests" to his opponent that they
+are playing croquet, and wins by two and one.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerics._)
+
+_Tents of a Night_ (Smith, Elder) is a quite ordinary story, about
+entirely commonplace persons, which has however an original twist in it.
+I never met a story that conveyed so vividly the nastiness of a summer
+holiday that isn't nice. The holiday was in Brittany, just the common
+round, Cherbourg, Coutances, Mont St. Michel, and the rest of it; and
+the holiday-makers were _Mr._ and _Mrs. Hepburn_, their niece _Anne_,
+and a rather pleasant flapper named _Barbara_ whom they had taken in
+charge. _Anne_ is the heroine and central character of the holiday; and
+certainly whatever discomforts it contained she seems to have done her
+successful best to add to. "This is a beastly place!" was her written
+comment upon St. Michel; and it was typical of her attitude throughout.
+Of course the real trouble with _Anne_ was something deeper than drains
+or crowded hotels or the smell of too many omelettes: she was in love.
+Apparently she was more or less in love with two men, _Dragotin
+Voinovich_ (whose name was a constant worry to _Anne's_ aunt, and I am
+bound to say that I share her feelings about it) and _Jimmy Fordyce_, a
+pleasant young Englishman who pulls the girls out of quicksands and
+makes himself generally agreeable. In the end, however--but on second
+thoughts the end, emotionally speaking, of _Anne_ is just what I shall
+not tell you, as it is precisely the thing that redeems the book from
+being commonplace. This you will enjoy; and also those remarkably real
+descriptions of various plage-hotels in August, the noise, the crowds,
+the long hot meals, the sunshine and constant wind, the sand on the
+staircase, and the general atmosphere of wet bathing-gowns--all these
+are a luxurious delight to read about in a comfortable English room.
+Miss Mary Findlater evidently knows them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dippers who have given a new meaning to the classical motto, _Respice
+finem_, are so common amongst novel readers that Patricia Wentworth will
+only have herself to thank if many who are unfamiliar with her work fail
+to do justice to a book nine-tenths of which is thoroughly interesting
+and excellently well-written. As a boy, the hero of _Simon Heriot_
+(Melrose) is misunderstood, and although _Mr. Martin_, his step-father,
+is a somewhat stagey specimen of the heavy and vulgar papa, the child's
+emotions (as, for instance, when he pretends that the storm of his
+parent's wrath is the ordeal of the Inquisition or some far-away battle
+of paladins in which he is contending) are finely conceived, and many of
+the later passages in _Simon's_ life--his unhappy love affair with _Maud
+Courtney_, his relations with his grandmother and with _William
+Forster_, the schoolmaster--are quite engrossing and give occasion for
+memorable sketches of character. It is when the natural end of the story
+is reached, and _Simon_ has come into his own and has just been wedded
+to his proper affinity, that the structure seems to me to fall with a
+crash. I might perhaps, though not without reluctance, have pardoned an
+impertinent railway accident which leaves the young man apparently
+crippled for life, but the last chapters, in which he finds spiritual
+comfort and (after the doctors have given up hope) complete anatomical
+readjustment through the ministrations of faith healing, alienated me
+entirely. From the outset the obvious scheme of the novel is to bring
+the hero back happily to the home and, if you will, the rustic church of
+his ancestors; and, though the science of Christian healing may do all
+that its adherents claim for it, it has about as much to do with the
+case of _Simon Heriot_ as the dancing dervishes or the rites of Voodoo.
+
+Demetra Vaka has melted my literary heart. By way of homage to her I eat
+the dust and recant all the hard and bitter things I said and thought in
+my youth concerning Ancient Greece; especially I apologise, on behalf of
+myself and my pedagogues, for after regarding its language as a dead
+one. _A Child of the Orient_ (Lane) has taught me better, though the
+last object the author appears to have in view is to educate. This
+"Greek girl brought up in a Turkish household" writes to amuse,
+entertain and charm, and her success is abundant. Whether it is
+attributable to the romantic particulars of the Turkish household or to
+the ingenuous personality of the Greek girl, I hesitate to say, since
+both are so captivating; but this I know, that, considered as
+descriptive sketches or personal episodes, each of the twenty-two
+chapters is a separate delight. For the ready writer material is not
+wanting in the Near East; a fine theme is provided in the national
+ambition of the Greek, who cannot forget his glorious past and be
+content with his less conspicuous present. As for the love interest, who
+should supply this better than the Turk? In these days of
+cosmopolitanism there are bound to be romantic complications in the
+lives of a polygamous people situate in a monogamous continent. By way
+of postscript the authoress travels abroad and deals with alien matters;
+her impression, I gather, is that if her ancestors of classical times
+could see our world of to-day and express an opinion upon it the best of
+their praise would be reserved for the fact of the British Empire, and
+the worst of their abuse be spent upon what is known as American humour.
+I am so constituted that I cannot but be prejudiced in favour of a
+writer gifted with so profound a judgment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The creatrix of _Pam_ must look to her laurels. Slovenliness is the
+aptest word to apply to the workmanship of _Maria_ (Hutchinson), the
+latest heroine of the Baroness Von Hutten. _Maria_ has the air of having
+been contracted for, while that fastidious overseer who lurks at the
+elbow of every honest craftsman, condemning this or that phrase,
+readjusting the other faulty piece of construction, has frankly
+abandoned the contractor. _Maria_ was the daughter of an artist cadger
+(name of _Drello_), friend of the great and seller of their autograph
+letters, whereby he was astute enough to make a comfortable living.
+_Maria_ had a dull brother named _Laertes_, who accidentally met a
+highness, who fell very abruptly in love with _Maria_ and made her
+strictly dishonourable proposals. _Maria_ drew herself up, compelled him
+to apologise and go away, until the nineteenth chapter, when she made
+similar proposals to the highness, now a duly and unhappily married
+_King of Sarmania_. But she is saved by the chivalrous love-lorn dwarf,
+_Tomsk_, who, with the irascible singing-master _Sulzer_, is responsible
+for the chief elements of vitality in this rather suburban romance. And
+I found myself never believing in _Maria's_ wondrous beauty and quite
+sharing _Sulzer's_ poor opinion of her singing. But this of course was
+mere prejudice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Grizel Married_ (Mills and Boon) Mrs. George de Horne Vaizey
+exhibits the highest-handed method of treating Romance that ever I met.
+For consider the situation to be resolved. _Dane Peignton_ was engaged
+to _Teresa_, but in love with _Lady Cassandra Raynor_, whose husband, I
+regret to add, was still alive. _Dane_ and _Cassandra_ had never told
+their love, and concealment might have continued to prey on their damask
+cheeks, if Mrs. Vaizey had not (very naturally), wished to give us a big
+emotional scene of avowal. It is the way in which this is done that
+compels my homage. Off go the characters on a picnic, obviously big with
+fate. _Teresa_ goes, and _Dane_ and _Cassandra_, the fourth being
+_Grizel_, whom you may recall pleasantly from an earlier book; but,
+though she fills the title _rôle_ in this one, she has little to do with
+its development. Of course I saw that something tragic was going to
+happen to somebody on that picnic--cliffs or tides or mad bulls or
+something. But I don't suppose that in twenty guesses you could get at
+the actual instrument of destiny. _Cassandra_ chokes over a fish-bone!
+That's what I meant about Mrs. Vaizey's courage. And the reward of it is
+that, after your first moment of incredulity, the fish-bone isn't in the
+least bit absurd. Poor _Cassandra_ comes quite near to expiring of it;
+and _Dane_, having thumped and battered her into safety, sobs out his
+wild and whirling passion, while _Grizel_ and poor _Teresa_ have just to
+sit about and listen. It really is rather a striking and original
+climax; incidentally it is far the best scene in an otherwise not very
+brilliant tale. But, having attended that picnic, I shall be astonished
+if you don't, want to go on to the end and see how it all straightens
+out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Bargain Two-seater, with most of the accessories; only
+done fifty miles; water-cooled-engine; owner giving up driving.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At 9.30 o'clock, as the fog lifted somewhat, the rescuing
+    steamer Lyonnesse had sighted the Gothland, fast on the rocks,
+    with a bad list to starboard, and apparently partly filled with
+    pater."
+
+    _Daily Chronicle._
+
+"Our Special Correspondent's" father seems to be a big man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "While the class watches, the teacher pronounces all the words.
+    Then the whole class pronounces them while the teacher points,
+    skipping around."--_Hawaii Educational Review._
+
+A pretty scene, if the teacher is a man of graceful movements.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, July
+1, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 24357-8.txt or 24357-8.zip *****
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+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+  <title>Punch, July 1, 1914.</title>
+
+  <style type="text/css">
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+  span.pagenum
+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
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+  .poem
+  {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
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+
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+<pre>
+
+Project Gutenberg's Punch, or the London Charivari, July 1, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, July 1, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 18, 2008 [EBook #24357]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 147.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>July 1, 1914.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/001a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/001a.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/001b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/001b.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>PROGRESS.</h2>
+
+<p>["Giving evidence recently before a Select
+Committee of the House of Commons, Miss
+C. E. Collet, of the Home Office, said the
+commercial laundry was killing the small
+hand laundry."&mdash;<i>Evening News.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The little crafts! How soon they die!</p>
+<p class="i2">In cottage doors no shuttle clicks;</p>
+<p>The hand-loom has been ousted by</p>
+<p class="i2">A large concern with lots more sticks.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The throb of pistons beats around;</p>
+<p class="i2">Great chimneys rise on Thames's banks;</p>
+<p>The same phenomena are found</p>
+<p class="i2">In Sheffield. (Yorks) and Oldham (Lancs).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>No longer now the housewife makes</p>
+<p class="i2">Her rare preserves, for what's the good?</p>
+<p>The factory round the corner fakes</p>
+<p class="i2">Raspberry jam with chips of wood.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>'Tis so with what we eat and wear,</p>
+<p class="i2">Our bread, the boots wherein we splosh</p>
+<p>'Tis so with what I deemed most fair,</p>
+<p class="i2">Most virginal of all&mdash;the Wash.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>'Tis this that chiefly, when I chant,</p>
+<p class="i2">Fulfils my breast with sighs of ruth,</p>
+<p>To think that engines can supplant</p>
+<p class="i2">The Amazons I loved in youth.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>That not with tender care, as erst</p>
+<p class="i2">By spinster females fancy-free,</p>
+<p>These button-holes of mine get burst</p>
+<p class="i2">Before the shift comes back to me;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>That mere machines, and not a maid</p>
+<p class="i2">With fingers fatuously plied,</p>
+<p>The collars and the cuffs have frayed</p>
+<p class="i2">That still excoriate my hide;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>That steam reduces to such states</p>
+<p class="i2">What once was marred by human skill;</p>
+<p>That socks are sundered from their mates</p>
+<p class="i2">By means of an electric mill;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>That not by Cupid's coy advance</p>
+<p class="i2">(Some crone conniving at the fraud),</p>
+<p>But simply by mechanic chance,</p>
+<p class="i2">I get this handkerchief marked "Maud."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>This is, indeed, a striking change;</p>
+<p class="i2">I sometimes wonder if the world</p>
+<p>Gets better as the skies grow strange</p>
+<p class="i2">With coils of smoke about them curled.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If the old days were not the best</p>
+<p class="i2">Ere printed formulas conveyed</p>
+<p>Sorrow about that silken vest</p>
+<p class="i2">For all eternity mislaid;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Ere yet the unwieldy motor-van</p>
+<p class="i2">Came clattering round the kerbstone's brink,</p>
+<p>Its driver dreaming some new plan</p>
+<p class="i2">To make my mauve pyjamas shrink.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span>
+
+<h2>THE ENCHANTED CASTLE.</h2>
+
+<p>There are warm days in London
+when even a window-box fails to charm,
+and one longs for the more open spaces
+of the country. Besides, one wants to
+see how the other flowers are getting
+on. It is on these days that we
+travel to our Castle of Stopes; as the
+crow flies, fifteen miles away. Indeed,
+that is the way we get to it, for it is a
+castle in the air. And when we are
+come to it Celia is always in a pink
+sun-bonnet gathering roses lovingly,
+and I, not very far off, am speaking
+strongly to somebody or other about
+something I want done. By-and-by
+I shall go into the library and work ...
+with an occasional glance through the
+open window at Celia.</p>
+
+<p>To think that a month ago we were
+quite happy with a few pink geraniums!</p>
+
+<p>Sunday, a month ago, was hot.
+"Let's take train somewhere," said
+Celia, "and have lunch under a hedge."</p>
+
+<p>"I know a lovely place for hedges,"
+I said.</p>
+
+<p>"I know a lovely tin of potted
+grouse," said Celia, and she went off
+to cut some sandwiches. By twelve
+o'clock we were getting out of the
+train.</p>
+
+<p>The first thing we came to was a golf
+course, and Celia had to drag me past
+it. Then we came to a wood, and I
+had to drag her through it. Another
+mile along a lane, and then we both
+stopped together.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" we said.</p>
+
+<p>It was a cottage, the cottage of a
+dream. And by a cottage I mean, not
+four plain rooms and a kitchen, but one
+surprising room opening into another;
+rooms all on different levels and of
+different shapes, with delightful places
+to bump your head on; open fireplaces;
+a large square hall, oak-beamed, where
+your guests can hang about after breakfast,
+while deciding whether to play
+golf or sit in the garden. Yet all so
+cunningly disposed that from outside
+it looks only a cottage or, at most, two
+cottages persuaded into one.</p>
+
+<p>And, of course, we only saw it from
+outside. The little drive, determined
+to get there as soon as possible, pushed
+its way straight through an old barn, and
+arrived at the door simultaneously with
+the flagged lavender walk for the humble
+who came on foot. The rhododendrons
+were ablaze beneath the south windows;
+a little orchard was running wild on the
+west; there was a hint at the back of
+a clean-cut lawn. Also, you remember,
+there was a golf course, less than two
+miles away.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," said Celia with a deep sigh,
+"but we must live here."</p>
+
+<p>An Irish terrier ran out to inspect
+us. I bent down and patted it. "With
+a dog," I added.</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't it all lovely? I wonder who
+it belongs to, and if&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"If he'd like to give it to us."</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps he would if he saw us and
+admired us very much," said Celia
+hopefully.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't think Mr. Barlow is that
+sort of man," I said. "An excellent
+fellow, but not one to take these sudden
+fancies."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Barlow? How do you know
+his name?"</p>
+
+<p>"I have these surprising intuitions,"
+I said modestly. "The way the chimneys
+stand up&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I know," cried Celia. "The dog's
+collar."</p>
+
+<p>"Right, Watson. And the name of
+the house is Stopes."</p>
+
+<p>She repeated it to herself with a
+frown.</p>
+
+<p>"What a disappointing name," she
+said. "Just Stopes."</p>
+
+<p>"Stopes," I said. "Stopes, Stopes.
+If you keep on saying it, a certain old-world
+charm seems to gather round it.
+Stopes."</p>
+
+<p>"Stopes," said Celia. "It <i>is</i> rather
+jolly."</p>
+
+<p>We said it ten more times each, and
+it seemed the only possible name for it.
+Stopes&mdash;of course.</p>
+
+<p>"Well?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"We must write to Mr. Barlow,"
+said Celia decisively. "'Dear Mr. Barlow,
+er&mdash;&mdash;Dear Mr. Barlow,&mdash;&mdash;we&mdash;&mdash;'
+Yes, it will be rather difficult. What
+do we want to say exactly?"</p>
+
+<p>"'Dear Mr. Barlow,&mdash;May we have
+your house?'"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," smiled Celia, "but I'm afraid
+we can hardly ask for it. But we
+might rent it when&mdash;when he doesn't
+want it any more."</p>
+
+<p>"'Dear Mr. Barlow,'" I amended,
+"'have you any idea when you're!
+going to die?' No, that wouldn't do
+either. And there's another thing&mdash;we
+don't know his initials, or even if he's
+a 'Mr.' Perhaps he's a knight or a&mdash;a
+duke. Think how offended Duke
+Barlow would be if we put '&mdash;&mdash; Barlow,
+Esq.' on the envelope."</p>
+
+<p>"We could telegraph. 'Barlow. After
+you with Stopes.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps there's a young Barlow,
+a Barlowette or two with expectations.
+It may have been in the family for
+years."</p>
+
+<p>"Then we&mdash;&mdash;Oh, let's have lunch."
+She sat down and began to undo the
+sandwiches. "Dear o' Stopes," she
+said with her mouth full.</p>
+
+<p>We lunched outside Stopes. Surely
+if Earl Barlow had seen us he would
+have asked us in. But no doubt his
+dining-room looked the other way;
+towards the east and north, as I
+pointed out to Celia, thus being pleasantly
+cool at lunch-time.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha, Barlow," I said dramatically,
+"a time will come when <i>we</i> shall be
+lunching in there, and <i>you</i>&mdash;&mdash;bah!"
+And I tossed a potted-grouse sandwich
+to his dog.</p>
+
+<p>However, that didn't get us any
+nearer.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you <i>promise</i>," said Celia,
+"that we shall have lunch in there one
+day?"</p>
+
+<p>"I promise," I said readily. That
+gave me about sixty years to do something
+in.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm like&mdash;who was it who saw
+something of another man's and
+wouldn't be happy till he got it?"</p>
+
+<p>"The baby in the soap advertisement."</p>
+
+<p>"No, no, some king in history."</p>
+
+<p>"I believe you are thinking of <span class="sc">Ahab</span>,
+but you aren't a bit like him, really.
+Besides, we're not coveting Stopes. All
+we want to know is, does Barlow ever
+let it in the summer?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's it," said Celia eagerly.</p>
+
+<p>"And, if so," I went on, "will he
+lend us the money to pay the rent
+with?"</p>
+
+<p>"Er&mdash;yes," said Celia. "That's it."</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>So for a month we have lived in our
+Castle of Stopes. I see Celia there in
+her pink sun-bonnet, gathering the
+flowers lovingly, bringing an armful of
+them into the hall, disturbing me sometimes
+in the library with "<i>Aren't</i> they
+beauties? No, I only just looked in&mdash;good
+luck to you." And she sees me
+ordering a man about importantly,
+or waving my hand to her as I ride
+through the old barn on my road to
+the golf-course.</p>
+
+<p>But this morning she had an idea.</p>
+
+<p>"Suppose," she said timidly, "you
+<i>wrote</i> about Stopes, and Mr. Barlow;
+happened to see it, and knew how much
+we wanted it, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well?"</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said Celia firmly, "if he
+were a gentleman he would give it
+to us."</p>
+
+<p>Very well. Now we shall see if Mr.
+Barlow is a gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>A. A. M.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Correspondence.</h3>
+
+<p>"Equal Rights" writes:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Dear Sir,&mdash;Why are descriptive names confined
+to boxers, such as Bombardier Wells
+and Gunboat Smith? Why not Rifleman
+Redmond, Airman Churchill, Solicitor George,
+Golfer Asquith, Bushman Wilding, Trundler
+Hitch, Dude Alexander, Bandsman Beecham,
+Hunger-Striker Pankhurst? Or, to take
+Editors&mdash;&mdash;"
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>[The rest of this communication is
+omitted owing to considerations of
+space.&mdash;<span class="sc">Ed</span>.]</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span>
+
+<h3>WHEN THE SHIPS COME HOME.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/003.png"><img width="100%" src="images/003.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">Greece.</span> "ISN'T IT TIME WE STARTED FIGHTING AGAIN?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Turkey.</span> "YES, I DARESAY. HOW SOON COULD YOU BEGIN?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Greece.</span> "OH, IN A FEW WEEKS."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Turkey.</span> "NO GOOD FOR ME. SHAN'T BE READY TILL THE AUTUMN".</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/005.png"><img width="100%" src="images/005.png" alt=""/></a><p>"<span class="sc">We're giving our pastor a new drawing-room carpet on
+the occasion on his jubilee. Show me something that looks nice but isn't
+too expensive.</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Here is the very thing, Madame&mdash;real Kidderminister.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>EGYPT IN VENICE.</h2>
+
+<p>"<i><span class="sc">La L&eacute;gende de Joseph</span>.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Those who know the kind of attractions
+that the Russian ballet offers in so
+many of its themes could have easily
+guessed, without previous enlightenment,
+what episode in the life of <span class="sc">Joseph</span>
+had been selected for illustration last
+week at Drury Lane. But they could
+never have guessed that Herr <span class="sc">Tiessen</span>,
+author of a shilling guide to the intentions
+of the composer, would attach a
+transcendental significance to the conduct
+of <i>Potiphar's Wife</i>. "Through the
+unknown divine," he informs us,
+"which is still new and mysterious to
+her, an imperious desire awakens in
+her to fathom, to possess this world"&mdash;the
+world, that is to say, which <i>Joseph's</i>
+imagination creates in the course of an
+exhibition dance. If this is so, I can
+only say that her behaviour is strangely
+misleading.</p>
+
+<p>The scene opens at a party given by
+<i>Potiphar</i> in Venice. Venice, of course,
+was not <i>Potiphar's</i> home address; and
+I marvel a little at the change of <i>venue</i>
+when I think how much more harmony
+could have been got out of an Egyptian
+setting. But then I remind myself
+that the Russian ballet is nothing if not
+<i>bizarre</i>. The long banqueting-table
+recalls the canvases of <span class="sc">Veronese</span>, but
+with discordant notes of the Orient and
+elsewhere. <i>Potiphar</i> himself, seated
+on a dais, has the air of an Assyrian
+bull. By his side <i>Mme. Potiphar</i> wears
+breeches ending above the knee, with
+white stockings and high clogs.</p>
+
+<p>For the entertainment of the guests
+there was a dance of nuptial unveiling
+and a bout between half-a-dozen Turkish
+boxers. But it was a decadent and
+<i>blaz&eacute;</i> company, and something more
+piquant was needed for their titillation.
+This was supplied in the shape
+of an original dance by the fifteen-year-old
+<i>Joseph</i>, whom my guide describes as
+"graceful, wild and pungent." He was
+introduced in a recumbent posture, and
+asleep, on a covered stretcher, and at
+first I had the clever idea that he was
+the customary corpse that appeared at
+Egyptian feasts to remind the company
+of their liability to die. But when he
+woke up and began to dance I saw at
+once that I was wrong.</p>
+
+<p>I now know all about the interpretation
+of <i>Joseph's</i> dance; but I defy anyone
+to say at sight and without a showman's
+assistance what precisely he was
+after. In the Third Figure (according
+to my guide-book) "there is in his
+leaps a feeling of heaviness, as if he
+were bound to earth, and he stumbles
+once or twice as one who has missed
+his goal;" but how was I to guess that
+this signified that his "searching after
+God" was still ineffectual? or that
+when in the Fourth Figure he "leaps
+with light feet" this meant that "Joseph
+has found God"? I don't blame the boy
+for not knowing the rule that forbids
+one art to trespass on the domain of
+another; but there is no excuse for
+Herr <span class="sc">Strauss</span>, who must have been
+well aware that, for the conveyance of
+any but the most obvious emotions,
+mute dancing can never be a satisfactory
+substitute for articulate poetry.</p>
+
+<p>However, <i>Potiphar's</i> guests seemed
+better instructed than I was, for they
+threw off their apathy and took quite an
+intelligent interest in <i>Joseph's</i> <i>pas seul</i>.
+Indeed, one young man (the episode
+escaped me at the dress rehearsal, but I
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span>
+have it in the guide-book)&mdash;one young
+man, "sobbing, buries his head in his
+hands, upsetting thereby a dish of fruit."
+As for <i>Potiphar</i>, it failed to stir the
+sombre depths of his abysmal boredom,
+but his wife, whose ennui had hitherto
+been of the most profound, began to sit
+up and take notice, and at the end of the
+dance she sent for <i>Joseph</i> and supplemented
+his rather exiguous costume
+with a gross necklace of jewels, letting
+her hand linger awhile on his bare neck.
+Already, it will be seen, she was intrigued
+with the "unknown divine."
+<i>Joseph</i>, on the contrary, received
+her attentions without
+<i>empressement</i>.</p>
+
+<p>In the next scene&mdash;after a
+rather woolly and unintelligible
+interlude&mdash;we see <i>Joseph</i>
+retiring to his couch in an
+alcove behind the place where
+the banqueting-table had
+been. You will judge how
+urgent was the lady's keenness
+to probe the mysteries
+of his divine nature
+when I tell you that she
+could not wait till the morning
+to pursue her enquiries,
+but must needs visit him in
+his chamber at dead of night,
+and wearing the one garment
+of the hour. At first, still
+half dreaming, he mistakes
+her for an angel (he had
+already seen one in his sleep),
+but subsequently, growing
+suspicious, he repels her with
+a dignified disdain. For I
+must tell you that, whatever
+the guide-book may allege
+about the loftiness of her
+designs, the music gave her
+away. It reverted, in fact,
+to the motive of those passages
+which had already accompanied
+and illustrated the
+nuptial dance, the dance (as
+Herr <span class="sc">Tiessen</span> calls it) of
+"burning Love-longing."</p>
+
+<p>At this juncture, <i>Potiphar</i>
+and his minions break upon the scene.
+His wife, after denouncing <i>Joseph</i>, is
+distracted between passion of hatred
+and passion of love, and there is some
+play (reminding one of <i>L'Apr&egrave;s-midi
+d'un Faune</i>) with the purple cloak
+which <i>Joseph</i> had discarded. Presently
+she eludes her dilemma by fainting.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile it has been the work of
+a moment to order up a brazier, a pair
+of pincers, a poker, a headsman and
+an axe. The instruments of torture
+waste no time in getting red-hot; and
+we anticipate the worst. <i>Joseph</i>, however,
+who has ignored these preparations
+and maintained an attitude of
+superbly indifferent aloofness, suddenly
+becomes luminous under great pressure
+of limelight; and most of the cast,
+including a ballet of female dervishes,
+are abashed to the ground.</p>
+
+<p>Now appears, on the open-work
+entresol at the back of the stage, an
+archangel. The guide-book is in error
+where it says that he glides downwards
+on a shaft of light radiating from a
+star. As a matter of fact he walks
+down the main staircase to the ground
+floor. Approaching <i>Joseph</i> he takes
+him by the hand and "leads him
+heavenwards" by the same flight of
+steps; and we are to understand that,
+in the opinion of Herr <span class="sc">Strauss</span>, the
+boy's subsequent career, as recorded
+in the Hebraic Scriptures, may be
+treated as negligible.</p>
+
+<p>I should like, in excuse of my own
+flippancy, to assume the same detachment,
+and to regard this ballet-theme
+as having practically no relation whatever
+to Biblical history, but being just
+one of many themes out of Oriental
+lore, mostly secular, that lend themselves
+to the drama of disappointed
+passion. My only serious protest is
+against the hypocrisy which pretends,
+with regard to <i>Potiphar's Wife</i>, to see
+a spiritual significance in what is mere
+vulgar animalism.</p>
+
+<p>I ought, by the way, to have said
+that, in a spasm of chagrin, she chokes
+herself with the pearl necklace which
+lent the only touch of superfluity to
+her night attire, and was carried out&mdash;but
+not up the main staircase. Thus
+ends this sordid tragedy that so well
+illustrates that quality in Herr <span class="sc">Strauss</span>
+to which my guide refers when he
+speaks of his realization of a "poignant
+longing for divine cheerfulness."</p>
+
+<p>O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/006.png"><img width="100%" src="images/006.png" alt=""/></a><p>"<span class="sc">Excuse me, Sir, but would you like to buy a nice little
+dawg?</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">No, thanks very much. He looks as though he would bite.</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">'E won't bite yer <i>if you buy 'im</i>, Guv'ner.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ENIGMA.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">My love to me is cold,</p>
+<p>And no more seeks my gaze; I wonder why!</p>
+<p>The smile of welcome that I loved of old</p>
+<p class="i2">No longer lights her eye.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">One little week ago</p>
+<p>I asked no surer guide than Cupid's chart;</p>
+<p>I said, "Your eyes reveal the depths below,</p>
+<p class="i2">And I can read your heart."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">She let her shy gaze fall,</p>
+<p>And smiling asked, "Is then my face a screed,</p>
+<p>My brow an open love-letter, where all</p>
+<p class="i2">The world my thoughts may read?"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Said I, "The world, I'll vow,</p>
+<p>Is blind! Myself alone may see the signs,</p>
+<p>And know the message written on your brow:</p>
+<p class="i2">I read between the lines."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">My dear to me is cold;</p>
+<p>Gone somewhere is the love-light from her eye;</p>
+<p>And, when our ways meet, stately she doth hold</p>
+<p class="i2">Her course. I wonder why.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Curiously, the Australian Minister of
+Defence in the last Parliament bore the same
+name as the Prime Minister in that which
+has just been dissolved."</p>
+
+<p><i>Westminster Gazette.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>A similar curious coincidence happened
+in England, the War Minister in the
+last Parliament bearing the same name
+as the present Lord Chancellor.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"MEN FOR THE ANTARCTIC.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">105 Canadian Dogs to go with
+Sir E. Shackleton.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Express.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>A gay lot, these Canadians.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span>
+
+<h2>A SCANDALMONGRIAN ROMANCE.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>By Francis Scribble.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>[<i>The following article, specially written
+for us by the Author of "Ten Frail
+Beauties of the Restoration," "Tales
+Told by a Royal Washerwoman,"
+etc., is another important contribution
+to the literature of the Royal Dirty-Linen
+Bag.</i>]</p>
+
+<p>A day or two ago a short notice in
+the papers told of the death of Mrs.
+Maria Tubbs at Cannes; but few, if any,
+of those who read that brief announcement
+will have recognised in it the
+close of one of the most amazing
+careers of the nineteenth century. Yet
+little surprise need be expressed at this
+general ignorance, for who would think
+to find under that somewhat common-place
+name the ravishingly beautiful
+Maria Cotherstone, who, forty years
+ago, was swept by Fate into the track
+of the late King of Scandalmongria,
+and well-nigh caused that singularly
+unstable bark to founder? It is with
+the kindly object of rescuing her
+romance from oblivion that this brief
+chronicle is written.</p>
+
+<p>In 1873 the Scandalmongrian Minister
+in London was requested to find an
+English lady to take charge of the two
+children of his Royal master, and,
+after searching enquiries, he was successful,
+and Miss Maria Cotherstone
+turned her back on England never more
+to return. She was just twenty-two,
+fresh and blooming, possessed of the
+gayest of spirits, delightful manners
+and the highest accomplishments.
+Quietly she assumed control of the
+Royal schoolroom, and by her charm
+no less than by her firmness she
+quickly won the respect and love of
+her charges. Well had it been for her
+memory if her influence had never
+spread beyond the walls of her schoolroom;
+this article had then been unwritten.
+But alas for human nature!
+One day His Majesty's eyes fell upon
+the person of his children's governess,
+and then began one of the most sordid
+intrigues it has ever been my pleasure
+to recall. [A large statement, as readers
+of our author's <i>Gleanings from a Royal
+Dustbin</i> will readily acknowledge.
+However, the succeeding three-quarter
+of a column of details, here omitted,
+prove that there is at least some
+foundation for the remark.]</p>
+
+<p>... And so their romance ended,
+and His Majesty returned to the bosom
+of his family and became once more the
+righteous upholder of the sanctity of
+the marriage tie. At first his easy-going
+Court smiled somewhat at the
+claim; but, when one or two highly-placed
+officials presumed to follow in
+the footsteps of their Sovereign, and
+were in consequence banished irrevocably
+from his presence, Scandalmongrian
+Society realised with a pained
+surprise that what is venial in a
+monarch may, in a subject, be a
+damnable offence.</p>
+
+<p>And what of Maria, the charming,
+fascinating, much injured Maria? For
+several years she is lost, and then we
+hear of her marriage at Rome to "John
+Tubbs, Esq., of London," and once
+again she vanishes, only to turn up
+many years later at Cannes. She is a
+widow now, and a model of all the
+virtues. Who so staid and respectable
+as Madam? Who so charitable to the
+poor? Few, it is to be feared, will have
+recognised in that handsome old lady, so
+regular in her attendance at the services
+of the English Church, the beauteous
+Maria Cotherstone whose name was
+once on the lips of everybody from one
+end of Europe to the other. It nearly
+happened, indeed, that she went down
+to her grave with all her scandalous,
+feverish past forgotten, leaving behind
+her only the fragrant memory of her
+later life. But I have saved her. It is
+a queer story, quite interesting enough
+to recall.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/007.png"><img width="100%" src="images/007.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Mistress.</i> "<span class="sc">That's a nicely-made dress you have on, Jane. It's like the new
+parlourmaid's, isn't it?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Jane (a close student of the fashion catalogues).</i> "<span class="sc">Oh no, Ma'am, <i>this</i> is <i>quite</i> a different
+creation.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page8" id="page8"></a>[pg 8]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>It is not only misfortune that makes
+strange bedfellows. Both Earl <span class="sc">Beauchamp</span>
+and Sir <span class="sc">Joseph Beecham</span> appear
+in the recent Honours List.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>By-the-by, it is denied that Sir <span class="sc">Joseph
+Beecham</span> was in any way responsible
+for the Government's "Pills for Earthquakes,"
+by which it was hoped to
+avert the Irish crisis.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A New York cable announces that
+the Duke of <span class="sc">Manchester</span> is interesting
+himself in a cinematograph proposition
+of a philanthropic nature, and
+that the company will be known as the
+"Church and School Social Service Corporation
+for the Advancement of Moral
+and Religious Education and Social
+Uplift Work through the medium of the
+Higher Art of the Moving Picture." It
+will of course be possible for the man
+in a hurry to call it, <i>tout court</i>, the
+"C.&amp;S.S.S.C.F.T.A.O.M.&amp;R.E.&amp;S.U.W.T.T.M.O.T.H.A.O.T.M.P."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The penny off the income tax came
+just in time. It enabled several Liberal
+plutocrats to buy a rose on Alexandra
+Day.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The balance-sheet of the German
+Company which had been running a
+Zeppelin airship passenger service has
+just been issued, and shows a loss of
+&pound;10,000 on the year's working. This
+is not surprising, the difficulty which
+all aircraft experience to keep their
+balance.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>At the launch of the liner <i>Bismarck</i>
+last week, the bottle of wine&mdash;which was
+thrown by the Countess <span class="sc">Hannah von
+Bismarck</span> missed the vessel, whereupon
+the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> hauled back the
+bottle, and with his proverbial good
+luck hit the target.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Five shots were fired last week at
+Baron <span class="sc">Henri de Rothschild</span>. At first
+it was thought that this was done to
+stop the author of <i>Cr&oelig;sus</i> from writing
+more plays, but, when it transpired
+that the assailant was a man who
+objected to the "Rothschild Cheap
+Milk Supply," public sympathy veered
+round in favour of the Baron.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Messrs. <span class="sc">Selfridge and Co.</span> were last
+week defrauded by a well-dressed man,
+who obtained two dressing-bags with
+silver fittings by means of a trick without
+paying for them. This is really
+abominable. It is bad enough when
+merely commercial firms are victimised:
+to best a philanthropic institution in
+this way is peculiarly base.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Mexican Rebel Split</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Morning Post.</i></p>
+
+<p>Now perhaps the other civilised
+Powers will intervene. We have heard
+of many inhumanities marking the war
+in Mexico, but this treatment of a rebel
+is surely the limit.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is not often, we imagine, that the
+British Navy is used to enforce a
+change of diet. H.M.S. <i>Torch</i> has
+just been ordered on a punitive expedition
+to Malekula Island, where certain
+of the natives have been eating some
+of their compatriots.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>An American woman, according to
+<i>The Express</i>, has a serious complaint
+about the London policeman. She declares
+that she walked all the way from
+Queen's Hall to Piccadilly Circus with
+three buttons of her blouse undone at
+the back, and "not a single policeman"
+offered to do it up for her. No doubt
+the Force was reluctant to interfere
+with what might turn out to be the
+latest fashion. A Boy Scout who
+offered, the other day, to sew up a
+split skirt got his ears soundly boxed.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Meanwhile the glad tidings reach us
+that women's skirts and bodices are to
+fasten in front instead of at the back.
+Husbands all over the world who have
+on occasions been pressed into their
+wives' service as maids, only to learn
+that they were clumsy boobies, would
+like to have the name of the arbiter of
+fashion who is responsible for this
+innovation, as there is some thought
+of erecting a statue to him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Some distinguished German professors
+have been discussing the question
+of the best place in which to keep
+a baby in summer. It is characteristic,
+however, of these unpractical persons
+that not one of them suggests the
+obvious ice-safe.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"One of the first things the rich
+should learn," says Dean <span class="sc">Inge</span>, "is
+that money is not put to the best use
+when it is merely spent on enjoyment."
+It is hoped that this pronouncement
+may lead wealthy people to patronise
+our concert-halls more than they do.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"&pound;1,600," a newspaper tells us, "were
+found hidden in the cork leg of <span class="sc">Harry
+C. Wise</span> while he was undergoing treatment
+in a hospital at Denver." And
+now, we suspect, <span class="sc">Harry's</span> friends will
+always be pulling his leg.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Have you seen <i>Pelleas and M&eacute;lisande</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"No. Is it as funny as <i>Potash and
+Perlmutter</i>?"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE COLLECTORS.</h3>
+
+<p>My dinner partner was a self-made
+man and not ashamed of it.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you take an interest in china,
+ma'am?" he asked me.</p>
+
+<p>I felt that if I said "Yes" I should
+have to buy some. So I said "No,"
+but he didn't wait to hear what I said.</p>
+
+<p>"I think I may say," he continued,
+"that I have the finest collection of
+old Dresden china in London."</p>
+
+<p>He went into the figures, explaining
+the cost price and the difficulty of
+storage.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," said I, "if you find it a
+nuisance, I've a parlour-maid I could
+recommend to you; just the girl to
+help you to get rid of it."</p>
+
+<p>At this point I think he had some
+idea of having the finest collection of
+parlourmaids in Middlesex, but he made
+it small dogs instead. Was I interested
+in these? No, but I supposed I'd have
+to be if he insisted.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't think I should be far
+wrong," he began, but I hustled him
+through to the end of his sentence.</p>
+
+<p>"Finest collection in&mdash;?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"England," he said.</p>
+
+<p>He went over their points, and in an
+expansive moment I marvelled. This
+was imprudent, as it caused him to
+search his mind for some further spectacular
+triumph wherewith to amaze
+and delight.</p>
+
+<p>"That," he said, looking up the table,
+"is my wife."</p>
+
+<p>"Marvellous," said I.</p>
+
+<p>He took this in the best part. "You
+refer to her diamonds?" he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Did I?" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"The finest collection in Great
+Britain," he declared, and spread himself
+over the subject.</p>
+
+<p>Later, in a mood of concession, he
+inquired as to my specialities. I had
+none, at least none that I could think
+of. Determined to extract something
+noteworthy, he questioned me on every
+possibility. Was I not married? That
+was so, I agreed, but then so many
+women are.</p>
+
+<p>"You have sons, ma'am?" he persisted,
+with that implacable optimism to
+which, among other things, he no doubt
+owed his success in the world.</p>
+
+<p>I thought of Baby. "Ah yes, of
+course," I said. "The finest collection
+in Europe."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"'In Norway,' she says, 'we do not eat one-third
+the quantity that the English eat; our
+meals are simpler and shorter. I believe that
+this is the cause of the enormous amount of
+indigestion that is suffered by the English.'"</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily News and Leader.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>So our doctor, who attributed our indigestion
+to lobster mayonnaise, was
+wrong again.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span>
+
+<h3>KINDNESS TO SUBJECTS.</h3>
+
+<p>[One of our illustrated papers recently published a picture of the King
+of <span class="sc">Spain</span> in a motor-car which had broken down. The car was
+being pushed along by some helpful people, and the comment on the
+picture was, "It is these thoughtful little acts that make royalty so
+popular nowadays." Lest it should be thought that the other potentates
+of Europe take less trouble to make themselves beloved by their
+subjects, we hasten to give a few instances which have come to our
+notice.]</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/009a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/009a.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Last week the King of Cadonia had his hat blown
+off in the Bl&uuml;mengarten (the beautiful park near
+the Royal Palace). This kindly act should deepen
+the affection in which the monarch is held by his
+People.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/009b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/009b.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">A few days ago the Crown Prince of Schlossrattenheim
+had an accident with his aeroplane, which
+overturned near Schutzmeer. Fortunately his Royal
+Highness fell on a retired Wuerst-haendler who
+was walking on the beach</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Crown Prince's devotion to his beloved subjects
+is well known, and this tactful deed was only
+another instance of it</span>.</p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/009c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/009c.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Yesterday Prince John of Pumpenhosen inadvertently
+collided with a pleasure-yacht at the mouth
+the harbour of Krebs while trying a new motor
+boat. All the passengers were saved and the Prince
+showed no signs of fear.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">This should enhance his great popularity, if such
+a thing were possible</span>.</p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/009d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/009d.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">King Stephan III. of Servilia, while playing on
+the links at Nibliksk last week, Initiated one of his
+equerries into the humour of the game. By this
+thoughtful act his Majesty adds to the deserved
+love and reverence in which he is held by the
+Servilians of all classes</span>.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/010.png"><img width="100%" src="images/010.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Alan</i> (<i>to his mother, who is busy with a heavy
+house-cleaning</i>). "<span class="sc">Please, Mother, read me a story</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE WALKERS.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There were eight pretty walkers who went up a hill;</p>
+<p>They were Jessamine, Joseph and Japhet and Jill,</p>
+<p>And Allie and Sally and Tumbledown Bill,</p>
+<p class="i10">And Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They were all in good training and all of them keen,</p>
+<p>And their chief wore a coat and a waistcoat of green;</p>
+<p>He was always a proud man and kept himself clean,</p>
+<p>Did Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They intended to lunch when they got to the top</p>
+<p>On a sandwich apiece and a biscuit and chop.</p>
+<p>The provisions were carefully bought in a shop</p>
+<p class="i10">By Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They were jesters of merit&mdash;the sort who can poke</p>
+<p>Funny tales in your ribs till you splutter and choke;</p>
+<p>But the best of the lot at a jibe or a joke</p>
+<p class="i10">Was Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It was ten of the clock when the walking began,</p>
+<p>And they started with Tumbledown Bill in the van;</p>
+<p>And the rear was brought up by that excellent man,</p>
+<p class="i10">By Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They went off at a pace I am bound to deplore,</p>
+<p>For they did twenty yards in a minute or more</p>
+<p>And a yard or two over, a capital score</p>
+<p class="i10">For Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They had all that pedestrians fairly can ask:</p>
+<p>Smooth roads, sunny weather and beer in a cask,</p>
+<p>And a friend who could teach them to stick to their task,</p>
+<p class="i10">Viz.: Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet I somehow suppose that they hadn't the knack,</p>
+<p>For in spite of it all they have never come back,</p>
+<p>And I own that the future looks dismally black</p>
+<p class="i10">For Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Now the walkers who seem to be stuck on the hill,</p>
+<p>They are Jessamine, Joseph and Japhet and Jill,</p>
+<p>And Allie and Sally and Tumbledown Bill,</p>
+<p class="i10">And Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>R.C.L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>King Peter of Servia.</h2>
+
+<p>(From <i>The Daily Mirror</i>.)</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The proclamation, however, as given in a later message, reads
+thus:&mdash;To My Beloved People: As I shall be prevented by illness
+from exercising my royal power for some time, I order, by Article
+69 of the Constitution, that so long as my cure lasts the Crown
+Prince Alexander shall govern in my name. On this occasion I
+recommend my dear fatherland to the care of the Almighty.</p>
+
+<p>(Signed) <span class="sc">Peter</span>."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>"On this occasion" is perhaps a little invidious.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Two consecutive books in <i>The Western Daily Press</i> list
+of publications received:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Ring Strategy and Tactics.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Charles Dickens in Chancery</span>."</p>
+
+<p>The boxing boom continues.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span>
+
+<h3>THE EMERGENCY EXIT.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/011.png"><img width="100%" src="images/011.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>A Tight Place</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Child Herbert</span> (<i>to "Wicked Baron"</i>). "MY LORD, I HAVE EVER
+REGARDED YOU AS A PESTILENT VILLAIN&mdash;NAY WORSE, AN HEREDITARY IMBECILE.
+I THEREFORE RELY ON YOUR BENEFICENT WISDOM TO FIND ME A WAY OUT OF THIS
+SINISTER WOOD."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page13" id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, June 22.</i>&mdash;Great
+muster of forces on both sides.
+Not wholly explained by second reading
+of Budget Bill standing as first
+Order. A section of Ministerialists,
+purists in finance, took exception to
+proposed procedure. <span class="sc">Holt</span>, spokesman
+at mouth of new Cave, put down
+amendment challenging <span class="sc">Chancellor
+of Exchequer's</span> proposals. Here was
+chance for watchful Opposition. If
+some thirty Ministerialists would go
+with them into Lobby it would not
+quite suffice to turn out Ministry; but it
+would be better than a Snap Division,
+with its personal inconvenience of
+preliminary hiding in bath-rooms and
+underground cellars.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/013a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/013a.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Wicket-keeper</i> (<i>Mr. <span class="sc">Cassel</span></i>). "How's that?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Umpire</i> (<i>Mr. <span class="sc">Speaker</span></i>). "Out!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Batsman</i> (<i>Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span></i>). "Rotten antiquated rule!"</p>
+
+<p>["I did not expect ... that hon. members would go rummaging in the
+dustbins of ancient precedent to find obstacles to place in the way of
+these proposals."&mdash;<i>Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> on his Budget.</i>]</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Cassel</span>, adding to Parliamentary
+reputation studiously attained, raised
+subject on point of order. Underlying
+suggestion was that Budget Bill should
+be withdrawn and reintroduced under
+amended form of procedure. <span class="sc">Speaker</span>,
+whilst admitting irregularity, stopped
+short of approving extreme course.
+Pointed out that the matter might be
+put right by moving fresh resolutions.</p>
+
+<p>This disappointing. Worse to follow.
+The <span class="sc">Infant Samuel</span>, making fresh
+appearance in new part of understudy
+of <span class="sc">Chancellor of Exchequer</span>, conceded
+point of procedure made by
+Radical Cave. Promised objection should
+be fully met. <span class="sc">Holt</span>, amid ironical
+cheers from Opposition, said in these
+circumstances would not move amendment.
+Incident reminded <span class="sc">Walter
+Long</span> of story of the Colonel and the
+opossum up a tree.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't shoot!" said the Opossum;
+"I'll come down."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span> had
+come down. No need for Colonel <span class="sc">Holt</span>
+to discharge his gun.</p>
+
+<p>Thus threatened crisis blew over.
+Members, cheered by promise of reduction
+by one half of proposed increase
+in Income Tax, got away early to
+attend various functions in honour of
+<span class="sc">King's</span> birthday.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Second reading of
+Budget Bill moved.</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Lords, Tuesday.</i>&mdash;London
+season in full fling. May be said to
+reach dizziest height in this birthday
+week. Social engagements numerous
+and clashing. To-day House of Lords
+magnet of attraction of surpassing
+force. The thing for <i>grandes dames</i>
+to do is to go down to the House
+and be present at opening of fresh
+tourney round Home Rule Bill.
+Accordingly, the peeresses, alive to
+their responsibility as leaders of high
+thinking and simple living, flock down
+to Westminster, filling side-galleries
+with grace, beauty, and some finely
+feathered hats.</p>
+
+<p>Seats on floor also crowded. Patriotic
+peers arriving late, finding no room on
+the benches where the Union Jack is
+kept flying, cross over. Temporarily
+seat themselves among the comparatively
+scanty flock of discredited
+Ministerialists. Bishops muster in
+exceptional number. Their rochets
+form wedge of spotless white thrust
+in centre of black-coated laity seated
+below Gangway on right of Woolsack.
+Space before Throne thronged with
+Privy Councillors availing themselves
+of the privilege their rank confers to
+come thus closely into contact with
+what is still an hereditary chamber.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/013b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/013b.png" alt=""/></a><p>"Bill presented to Lords as a sort of lay figure,
+which they may, in accordance with
+taste and conviction, suitably clothe."</p></div>
+
+<p>In centre of first row <span class="sc">Carson</span> uplifts
+his tall figure and surveys a scene he
+has done much to make possible.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps in matter of dramatic interest
+the play did not quite come up to its
+superb setting. Principal parts taken
+by <span class="sc">Crewe</span> and <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span>. Neither
+accustomed to move House to spasms
+of enthusiasm. <span class="sc">Leader of House</span>,
+introducing what is officially known as
+Government of Ireland Amending Bill,
+made it clear in such sentences as were
+fully audible that scheme does not go
+a step beyond overture towards settlement
+proffered by <span class="sc">Premier</span> last March.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Lansdowne</span> expressed profound disappointment
+at this lack of enterprise.
+"Rather a shabby and undignified
+proceeding on the part of a strong
+Government," he said, "to come down
+with proposal they know to be wholly
+inadequate, and to hint that we ought
+to assist them in converting it into a
+practical and workable measure."</p>
+
+<p>Actual condition of things could not
+with equal brevity be more clearly
+stated. Bill presented to Lords as
+sort of lay figure, which they may, in
+accordance with taste and conviction,
+suitably clothe. No assurance forthcoming
+that style and fit will be
+approved when submitted to House of
+Commons, final arbiters.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile Bill read a first time, and
+ordered to be printed.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page14" id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;The Commons still
+harping on the Budget. <span class="sc">Tim Healy</span>
+enlivened proceedings by vigorous personal
+attack on "the most reckless and
+incapable <span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span>
+that ever sat on the Treasury
+Bench." <span class="sc">Lloyd George's</span> retort courteous
+looked forward to with interest.</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Wednesday.</i>&mdash;When,
+shortly after half-past five, <span class="sc">Chancellor
+Of Exchequer</span> rose to take
+part in debate on new development of
+Budget Bill, House nearly empty. Interests
+at stake enormous. Situation
+enlivened for Opposition by quandary
+of Government. But afternoon is hot,
+and from the silver Thames cool air
+blows over Terrace. Accordingly thither
+Members repair, leaving House to
+solitude and <span class="sc">Chiozza Money</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Benches rapidly filled when news
+went round that <span class="sc">Chancellor</span> was on
+his legs. Soon there was
+crowded audience. Sound
+of cheering and counter-cheering,
+applausive and
+derisive, frequently broke
+forth. <span class="sc">Chancellor</span> in
+fine fighting form. Malcontents
+in his own camp
+are reconciled. Hereditary
+foe in front. Went
+for him accordingly.
+<span class="sc">Walter Long</span> seated
+immediately opposite
+conveniently served as
+suitable target for whirling
+lance. Effectively
+quoted from speeches
+made by him at other
+times, insisting upon
+relief of the rate so
+heavily burdoned as to make it impossible
+to carry out social reforms of
+imperative necessity.</p>
+
+<p>"After these lavish professions of
+anxiety to help local authorities, I did
+not," said the <span class="sc">Chancellor</span>, "expect
+the right hon. gentleman and his friends
+would go rummaging in the dustbins of
+ancient precedent, to find obstacles to
+place in the way of proposals of
+reform."</p>
+
+<p>Carried away by his own eloquence,
+the <span class="sc">Chancellor</span>, whilst sarcastically
+complimentary to <span class="sc">Walter Long</span>, went
+so far as to call him "The Father of
+Form IV." The putative parent
+blushed. There were cries of "Order!"
+and "Withdraw!" <span class="sc">Speaker</span> did not
+interpose, and <span class="sc">Chancellor</span> hurried on
+to another point of his argument.</p>
+
+<p>Quite a long time since our old
+friend Form IV., at one time a familiar
+impulse to party vituperation, was
+mentioned in debate. This unexpected
+disclosure of its paternity made quite
+a stir.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Son Austen</span> followed <span class="sc">Chancellor</span>
+in brisk speech that led to one or two
+interludes of angry interruption across
+the Table. When he made an end of
+speaking, debate relapsed into former
+condition of languor. Talk dully kept
+up till half-past eleven.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Further debate on
+Budget.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Chancellor of Exchequer</span>
+admittedly allured by what
+he describes as "attractive features" of
+proposal to raise fresh revenue. It is
+simply the levying of a special tax on
+all persons using titles.</p>
+
+<p>Idea not absolutely new. Principle
+established in case of citizens displaying
+crest or coat-of-arms. What is novel is
+suggested method of taxation. Differing
+from the dog-tax, levied at a common
+rate, it is proposed that our old nobility
+shall, in this fresh recognition of
+their lofty estate, be dealt with on a
+sliding scale. A duke will have his
+pre-eminence recognised by an exceptionally
+high rate of taxation. Marquises,
+earls and a' that will be mulct
+on a descending scale, till the lowly
+knight is reached. He will be compensated
+for comparative obscurity in the
+glittering throng by being let off for a
+nominal sum.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Chancellor</span> fears it is too late to
+adopt proposal this year, a way of
+putting it which seems to suggest that
+we may hear more of it in next
+year's Budget.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Hayes Fisher's</span>
+Amendment to Budget Bill negatived
+by 303 votes to 265. Reduction of
+Ministerial majority to 38 hailed with
+boisterous burst of cheers and counter-cheers.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/014.png"><img width="100%" src="images/014.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Garden City Washing-day.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Our sensitive artist insists on a harmonious colour-scheme.</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The <span class="sc">Lord Mayor</span> (on hearing a certain
+<span class="sc">Peel</span>): "Turn again (in your
+grave), <span class="sc">whittington</span>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>New song for old Cantabs.:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"O. B., what can the mat&eacute; be?"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>RUS IN URBE.</h2>
+
+<p>No, this is not the Russian ballet.
+It is the English Folk Dance Society,
+and their performances at the Royal
+Horticultural Hall at Westminster the
+other day showed that the Russian
+ballet is not to have things all its own
+way. I am not going to moralise upon
+the salacious quality of some of the
+themes of our exotic visitors, but
+certainly it would be difficult to find a
+stronger contrast to their ruling passion
+than is presented by the purity and
+simplicity of these country dances.</p>
+
+<p>"Sellinger's Bound," danced to an
+air that lulled <i>Titania</i> to sleep all
+through the winter at the Savoy, was
+the most popular, with its ring of a
+dozen dancers, hands joined, running
+together into the centre of their circle,
+as if to honour some imaginary deity&mdash;possibly
+Mr. <span class="sc">Cecil
+Sharp</span>, director of the
+Society, who has collected
+and revived the
+airs to which they dance.</p>
+
+<p>Then there were the
+Morris-dances, "Shepherd's
+Hey" (with nothing
+about a "nonny-nonny"
+in it), and
+"Haste to the Wedding."
+There might perhaps be a
+greater propriety in the
+latter if it were confined
+to men; but at least it
+raised no apprehension
+that anybody was going
+to "repent at leisure."
+In the "Flamborough
+Sword" dance, the men
+(with no Amazon assistance) raced
+through the figure and out again,
+eight of them, armed with bloodless
+wooden swords&mdash;a finely ordered riot.</p>
+
+<p>"Lady's Pleasure," a Morris-jig for
+two men, lays hold of you at the first
+bar, and again with a fresh grip and
+a tighter as the music slows up for
+the dancers to do their "capers"&mdash;all
+to the music of Mr. <span class="sc">Cecil Sharp</span> at
+the piano and Miss <span class="sc">Avril</span> at the fiddle.</p>
+
+<p>The object of The English Folk
+Dance Society is to teach rather than
+to perform in public. Hence the rarity
+of their displays, and the better reason
+why we should seize, when they come,
+our chances of assisting at these
+delightful exhibitions of an art whose
+revival has done so much to restore to
+the countryside the unpretentious joys
+that gave its name to Merrie England.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"It was the time when Henry III. was
+batting with Simon de Montfort and his
+Barons"&mdash;<i>Straits Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But not at Lord's, which has only just
+celebrated its centenary.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page15" id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span>
+
+<h3>GREAT ECONOMY EFFECTED BY CO-OPERATION IN ADVERTISEMENT.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/015.png"><img width="100%" src="images/015.png" alt=""/></a></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>LOVE'S LOGIC.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>My happiness is in another's keeping,</p>
+<p class="i2">My heart delivered to a maiden's care,</p>
+<p>And she can cast it down or set it leaping</p>
+<p class="i2">(The latter process is extremely rare);</p>
+<p>Ah, would that love indeed had made me blind,</p>
+<p>That I might put her image out of mind!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet if I looked at her with eyes unseeing</p>
+<p class="i2">Her voice and laughter would not pass unheard;</p>
+<p>I should not be a reasonable being,</p>
+<p class="i2">I still should tremble at her lightest word;</p>
+<p>How could I then gain freedom from the spell</p>
+<p>Unless I turned completely deaf as well?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>So, blind and deaf, I might perhaps recover</p>
+<p class="i2">A partial peace of mind, but all in vain,</p>
+<p>For memories pursue the luckless lover,</p>
+<p class="i2">And only death can ease him of his pain.</p>
+<p>Thus, having proved that I were better dead,</p>
+<p>I think I'll go and talk to her instead.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page16" id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span>
+
+<h2>BALM FOR THE BRAINLESS.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+["If one man has more brains than another,
+which enable him to outstrip his fellows, is
+not that good fortune? What had he got to
+do with it? If your brain is a bad one, it is
+not your responsibility. If your brain is a
+good one it is not your merit. Some men
+have greater physical, mental, moral strength
+than others that enables them to win in the
+race. That is their good fortune and they
+ought to be grateful for it; and the one way
+they can best show their gratitude is by
+helping those who are less fortunate than
+themselves. Men endowed with any, or most,
+or all of these fortunate conditions ought not
+to be stingy in helping others who have not
+been so fortunate as themselves."&mdash;Mr. <i><span class="sc">Lloyd
+George</span> at Denmark Hill, June 30</i>.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>As a result of Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George's</span>
+vivid and convincing pronouncement
+on the responsibilities of the fortunate,
+we have been deluged with appeals
+from all sorts and conditions of unlucky
+correspondents. We select the following
+from among the most deserving
+cases in the hope that our opulent
+readers may avail themselves of the
+chances thus offered of redressing the
+partiality of fortune.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Cry of the Cracksman</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Sanctuary, Crookhaven.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,&mdash;Endowed by nature with an
+imperfect moral sense and a complete
+inability to discriminate between <i>meum</i>
+and <i>tuum</i>, I was irresistibly impelled
+at an early age to adopt the precarious
+profession of housebreaker. I have
+just served a sentence of three years,
+and was on the point of resuming my
+career when I read Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George's</span>
+epoch-making speech at Denmark Hill,
+in which he clearly defines the duty of
+the State to redress the inequalities of
+moral as well as material endowment
+by which so large a proportion of the
+community is penalised. I am the
+master of a fine literary style and
+admirably suited to discharge any
+secretarial duties, but it is only right
+that I should clearly explain at the
+outset that it is no use offering me any
+post unless it is so well salaried that I
+should never feel it was worth while to
+explore or appropriate the contents
+of my employer's safe.</p>
+
+<p>Respectfully yours,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Raphael Bunny</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Luck of the Law</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Railway Carriage Bungalow,</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Shoreham, Sussex.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,&mdash;It is precisely thirty years
+since I was called to the Bar, and
+several of my contemporaries have
+already been elevated to the Bench,
+while Sir <span class="sc">John Simon</span>, who is considerably
+my junior, is in the receipt of a
+salary probably double that drawn by
+an ordinary Judge. My earnings for
+the last ten years have exempted me
+from income-tax, but this is but a poor
+consolation when I consider that were
+it not for the caprice of fortune I should
+probably be returning &pound;400 or &pound;500 a
+year to the Exchequer in super-tax.
+But not only have I been badly treated
+in regard to mental equipment; I have
+been further handicapped by hereditary
+conscientious objection to pay any bills.
+An annuity of &pound;500 a year, or only one-tenth
+of the salary of a Judge, is the
+minimum that my self-respect will
+allow me to accept in payment of the
+State's long-standing debt to</p>
+
+<p>Yours faithfully,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">William Weir</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Cruelty of Competition.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,&mdash;I confidently appeal for your
+support in the application for a grant
+which I am forwarding to the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span>. My son, aged 14, has failed
+to win an entrance scholarship at Winchester
+and Charterhouse, not from
+any fault of his own, but simply owing
+to the unfair competition of other candidates
+more liberally endowed with
+brains. At a modest estimate I calculate
+that the extra drain on my resources
+for the next eight years in
+consequence of this undeserved hardship
+will amount to at least &pound;600, which
+I can ill afford owing to unfortunate
+speculations in Patagonian ruby mines&mdash;another
+example of that bad luck
+which, in the noble words of the <span class="sc">Chancellor
+Of the Exchequer</span>, it is the
+privilege of the prosperous to remedy.</p>
+
+<p>I am, Sir, yours expectantly,</p>
+
+<p>(Rev.) <span class="sc">J. Stonor Brooke.</span></p>
+
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><i><span class="sc">Vis inerti&aelig;</span>.</i></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Lotus Lodge, Limpsfield.</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,&mdash;A victim since birth to congenital
+lassitude, which has rendered all
+labour, whether manual or mental, distasteful,
+nay, intolerable to me, I find
+myself at the age of 41 so out of touch
+with the spirit of strenuous effort which
+has invaded every corner of our national
+life that I am anxious to confer on the
+State or, failing that, some meritorious
+millionaire the privilege of providing
+for my modest needs. A snug sinecure
+with a commodious residence and a
+good car&mdash;cheap American motors are
+of course barred&mdash;represent the indispensable
+minimum.</p>
+
+<p>I am, Sir, yours faithfully,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Everleigh Slack</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Some day, says the President of the
+Aero Club, we shall be able to go into
+a shop and buy a pair of wings. But
+we can do that already; the only difficulty
+is to fly with them.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Gentleman, middle aged, would be glad
+of a few correspondents (40 to 60)."</p>
+
+<p><i>T. P.'s Weekly.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Too Many.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE SILENT CHARMER.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[Speaking of flowers a contemporary recently
+remarked:&mdash;"These careless-looking creatures
+filling the air with delight, robbing tired brains
+of tiredness, are a delicate texture of coloured
+effort that has prevailed out of a thousand
+chances, aided in all that effort by man.
+Without man they would be but weeds&mdash;a
+profusion of Nature's quantity."]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>My dearest Thomas, I would not</p>
+<p class="i2">Deny the fact that you are clever;</p>
+<p>You've taught Dame Nature what is what</p>
+<p class="i2">At horticultural endeavour</p>
+<p>(She has not got that useful thing,</p>
+<p>The shilling book of gardening).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>She has her merits, but, of course,</p>
+<p class="i2">Her wild attempts won't stand comparing</p>
+<p>With such a floral <i>tour de force</i></p>
+<p class="i2">As that geranium you are wearing;</p>
+<p>Yon chosen emblem of your skill</p>
+<p>Must surely make her wilder still.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But give me Nature; when we meet</p>
+<p class="i2">She does not prattle of her posies,</p>
+<p>Dull facts of what begonias eat,</p>
+<p class="i2">The dietetic fads of roses,</p>
+<p>And how she strove with spade and spud.</p>
+<p>Or nipped the green fly on the bud.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>'Tis she that really soothes the brain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Spreading her weeds in bright profusion,</p>
+<p>And never troubling to explain</p>
+<p class="i2">How much they owe to her collusion,</p>
+<p>While, Thomas, <i>your</i> achievements seem</p>
+<p>To be your one and only theme.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">J. C. Parke</span>, writing in <i>The
+Strand Magazine</i> on the best way to
+beat <span class="sc">Wilding</span>, says:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Personally, after close observation and
+from playing against him, I would suggest a
+determined attack on the champion's forehead
+from the base-line."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>That ought to learn him.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"His Majesty has been pleased to confer
+the dignity of an Earldom of the United
+Kingdom upon Field-Marshal the Viscount
+Kitchener of Khartoum, P.G.C., B.O.M.G.C.,
+S.I.G.C.M., G.G.C.I.E."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Newcastle Daily Journal.</i></p>
+
+<p>The old orders change, yielding place
+to new.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a magazine cover:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"This magazine has been the turning point
+in many a man's career. Spend twopence
+and half-an-hour on it.... Price Threepence."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We would rather pay the threepence.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"In our report of the wedding of Mr. Lee
+Kwee Law to Miss Chan Siew Cheen we inadvertently
+left out the following, who also
+sent presents<i>:&mdash;&mdash;"&mdash;Straits Echo.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And then they inadvertently left them
+out again.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page17" id="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span>
+
+<h2>THE CURE FOR CRICKET.</h2>
+
+<p>There is no longer any doubt that
+golf is threatening the supremacy of
+our national game. Judged by the
+only true standard&mdash;the amount of
+space allotted to it in the daily press&mdash;it
+is manifest that the encroachments of
+this insidious pastime have now reached
+a point where the cricket reformer must
+bestir himself before it is too late. We
+are convinced that so far we have been
+taking much too narrow a view. The
+time has come to look for light and
+leading outside the confines of our own
+Book of Rules. There are other games
+besides cricket. Let us call them to
+our councils.</p>
+
+<p>In the first place a valuable hint
+may surely be found in the development
+of Rugby football. It is common
+knowledge what immense results have
+followed the introduction, some twenty
+years ago, of the Four Three-quarter
+System. No spectator (and we cannot
+exist without the spectator) would ever
+dream now of returning to the old
+formation. Very well. The same
+principle can be easily adapted to our
+requirements in the form of the Three
+Batsmen System. The pitch would
+become an equilateral triangle, and we
+should suggest that the bowler have
+the option of bowling (from his own
+corner) at either of the two outlying
+batsmen (at theirs). Lots of interesting
+developments would follow, as, for
+instance, the institution of a sort of
+silly-point-short-mid-on in the centre
+of the triangle. (Should he be allowed
+to wear gloves?)</p>
+
+<p>Golf has also a lesson to teach us.
+We are all familiar with the huge
+strides that have been made by the introduction
+of the rubber-cored ball.
+We don't want to plagiarize, although
+a rubber-cored cricket ball is a nice
+idea. Why not aim at the opposite
+extreme and try a ball "reinforced"
+with concrete? The tingling of the
+batsman's fingers which might result
+could be neutralised by the use of a
+rubber-faced bat. This reform would,
+we believe, have one happy consequence.
+People wouldn't be so keen
+to play with their legs.</p>
+
+<p>As to lawn tennis&mdash;another dangerous
+rival&mdash;we hear a good deal in these
+days about "foot-faults." That seems
+to show the trend of modern thought.
+If we are to be in the swim we shall
+have to reconsider our no-ball rule.
+Why not make it a no-ball every time
+unless the bowler has both feet in the
+air at the moment when the ball leaves
+his hand? One might put up a little
+hurdle&mdash;nothing obtrusive&mdash;only a
+matter of a few inches high.</p>
+
+<p>We believe that something might
+even be done by borrowing from hockey
+the principle of the semi-circle, outside
+of which a goal may not be shot. The
+whole pitch might be enclosed in a
+circular crease&mdash;which would look uncommonly
+well in Press photographs.
+(We cannot exist without the Press.)
+No fielder inside the magic circle would
+be allowed to stop the ball with his
+feet.</p>
+
+<p>Finally there is the case of billiards,
+not a game that is very closely allied
+to cricket, but one from which much
+may be learned. How has billiards
+brightened itself? By adopting the
+great principle of "barring" certain
+strokes. Here we have got on to something
+really valuable. We propose to
+go one better, and draw up a schedule
+of the different conditions of barring
+under which matches may be played.
+It will only remain for secretaries, when
+fixtures are made, to arrange the terms
+by negotiation. In time to come,
+should we be able to carry our point, we
+shall all be familiar with such announcements
+as the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Notts. <i>v.</i> Surrey. (Cut-barred.)
+Gentlemen <i>v.</i> Players. (L.b.w.-barred.)
+England <i>v.</i> Australia. (Googly-and-yorker-barred.)
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We do not pretend to have exhausted
+the subject, but we have made a start.
+We must look about us. Something
+may be learned, we firmly believe, even
+from skittles and ping-pong. Our
+national game cannot afford to exclude
+special features. It should have the
+best of everything.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/017.png"><img width="100%" src="images/017.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">"Are you Mrs. Pilkington-Haycock?"</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">"No."</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">"Well, I am, and this is her pew."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Professional Candour.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The sermon over, a collection was taken,
+and hardly a person present did not contribute.
+Mgr. Benson's sermon went to the hardest
+heart there. Even the journalists contributed."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Universe.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page18" id="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span>
+
+<h2>THE HERE, THERE AND LONDON LETTER.</h2>
+
+<p><i>With apologies to "The Westminster
+Gazette."</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Home of the South Saxons</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Sussex, the county for which Mr.
+<span class="sc">C. B. Fry</span> (who hurt his leg in the
+Lord's centenary match) used to play
+before he moved to Hampshire, is an
+attractive division of the country to
+the south of London with a long sea
+border. Mr. <span class="sc">Kipling</span> has praised it in
+some memorable verses, and among
+frequent visitors to its principal town,
+Brighton, is the <span class="sc">Chancellor of the
+Exchequer</span>. The word Sussex is a
+contraction of South Saxon. All will
+wish the old Oxonian a speedy recovery
+from his strain.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">A Monetary Proverb.</span></p>
+
+<p>The origin of the old saying, "Penny
+wise, pound foolish," which has come
+into vogue again in connection with
+the revised income tax&mdash;for who can
+deny that the saving of the penny is
+wise?&mdash;is lost in obscurity; but there is
+no doubt that it is very ancient. Many
+nations have the same proverb in
+different terms as applied to their own
+currency. In France the coins to which
+the saying best applies would be the
+sou and the louis; in America, the
+cent and the dollar; and so forth.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Cordiality before Party</span>.</p>
+
+<p>The circumstance of Mr. <span class="sc">Lulu Harcourt's</span>
+unveiling a memorial to Mr.
+<span class="sc">Joseph Chamberlain</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Austen
+Chamberlain</span> at the Albert Dock Hospital
+is not without precedent. On
+more than one occasion party differences
+have been similarly forgotten.
+Thus several golf-players contributed
+to <i>The Daily Telegraph</i> shilling fund
+in honour of the great <span class="sc">W. G. Grace</span>
+some few years ago. Such sinking of
+private shibboleths is a very excellent
+thing and goes far to show how
+thoroughly sound and healthy English
+public life really is <i>au fond</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Names of Colleges</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Exeter College, Oxford, which has
+just celebrated its six hundredth anniversary,
+is not the only college which
+bears the same name as that of a city.
+Pembroke is another. Keble is, of
+course, named after the hymn-writer
+and divine; and Balliol, where C. S. C.
+played the wag so divertingly, after Balliol.
+<i>&Agrave; propos</i> of Oxford, it is a question
+whether that extremely amusing book,
+<i>Verdant Green</i>, is still much read by
+freshers.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Author of <i>The Little
+Minister.</i></span></p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">James Barrie</span>, who is said to
+have written a revue for production this
+autumn at a West-End Theatre, must
+not be confounded with the French
+sculptor, <span class="sc">Barye</span>, in spite of the similarity
+of name. <span class="sc">Barye</span> is famous
+chiefly for his bronzes of lions; and fortunately,
+in making his studies of these
+dangerous animals, he escaped the fate
+which so often befalls the trainer of
+wild beasts whose animals suddenly
+turn upon him.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ONCE UPON A TIME.</h2>
+
+<h3>The Alien.</h3>
+
+<p>Once upon a time a poet was sitting
+at his desk in his cottage near the
+woods, trying to write.</p>
+
+<p>It was a hot summer day and great
+fat white clouds were sailing across the
+sky. He knew that he ought to be
+out, but still he sat on, pen in hand,
+trying to write.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly, among all the other sounds
+of busy urgent life that were filling the
+warm sweet air, he heard the new and
+unaccustomed song of a bird. At least
+not new and not unaccustomed, but new
+and unaccustomed there, in this sylvan
+retreat. The notes poured out, now
+shrill, now mellow, now bubbling like
+musical water, but always rich with
+the joy of life, the fulness of happiness.
+Where had he heard it before? What
+bird could it be?</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly the poet's housekeeper hurried
+in. "Oh, Sir," she exclaimed,
+"isn't it a pity? Someone's canary
+has got free, and it's singing out here
+something beautiful."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," said the poet&mdash;"a
+canary;" and he hastened out to see
+it. But before he could get there the
+bird had flown to a clump of elms a
+little way off, from which proceeded
+sweeter and more tumultuously exultant
+song than they had ever known.</p>
+
+<p>The poet walked to the elms with his
+field-glasses, and after a while he discerned
+among the million leaves, the
+little yellow bird, with its throat trembling
+with rapture.</p>
+
+<p>But the poet and his housekeeper
+were not the only creatures who had
+heard the strange melody.</p>
+
+<p>"I say," said one sparrow to another,
+"did you hear that?"</p>
+
+<p>"What?" inquired the other sparrow,
+who was busy collecting food for a very
+greedy family.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, listen," said the first sparrow.</p>
+
+<p>"Bless my soul," said the second.
+"I never heard that before."</p>
+
+<p>"That's a strange bird," said the
+first sparrow; "I've seen it. It's all
+yellow."</p>
+
+<p>"All yellow?" said the other. "What
+awful cheek!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, isn't it?" replied the first
+sparrow. "Can you understand what
+it says?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not a note," said the second.
+"Another of those foreigners, I suppose.
+We shan't have a tree to call our
+own soon."</p>
+
+<p>"That's so," said the first. "There's
+no end to them. Nightingales are bad
+enough, grumbling all night, and swallows,
+although there's not so many of
+them this year as usual; but when it
+comes to yellow birds&mdash;well."</p>
+
+<p>"Hullo," said a passing tit, "what's
+the trouble now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Listen," said the sparrows.</p>
+
+<p>The tit was all attention for a minute
+while the gay triumphant song went on.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," he said, "that's a rum go.
+That's new, that is. Novel, I call it.
+What is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"It's a yellow foreigner," said the
+sparrows.</p>
+
+<p>"What's to be done with it?" the
+tit asked.</p>
+
+<p>"There's only one thing for self-respecting
+British birds to do," said
+the first sparrow. "Stop it. Teach
+it a lesson."</p>
+
+<p>"Absolutely," said the tit. "I'll go
+and find some others."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, so will we," said the sparrows;
+and off they all flew, full of righteous
+purpose.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile the canary sang on and
+on, and the poet at the foot of the tree
+listened with delight.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly, however, he was conscious
+of a new sound&mdash;a noisy chirping and
+harsh squeaking which seemed to fill
+the air, and a great cloud of small angry
+birds assailed the tree. For a while
+the uproar was immense, and the song
+ceased; and then, out of the heart of
+the tumult, pursued almost to the
+ground where the poet stood, fell the
+body of a little yellow bird, pecked to
+death by a thousand avenging furies.</p>
+
+<p>Seeing the poet they made off in a
+pack, still shrilling and squawking, but
+conscious of the highest rectitude.</p>
+
+<p>The poet picked up the poor mutilated
+body. It was still warm and it
+twitched a little, but never could its
+life and music return.</p>
+
+<p>While he stood thoughtfully there an
+old woman, holding an open cage and
+followed by half-a-dozen children, hobbled
+along the path.</p>
+
+<p>"My canary got away," she said.
+"Have you seen it? It flew in this
+direction."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm afraid I have seen it," said the
+poet, and he opened his hand.</p>
+
+<p>"My little pet!" said the old woman.
+"It sang so beautifully, and it used to
+feed from my fingers. My little pet."</p>
+
+<p>The poet returned to his work. "'In
+tooth and claw,'" he muttered to himself,
+"'In tooth and claw.'"</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page19" id="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/019.png"><img width="100%" src="images/019.png" alt=""/></a><p>HOW TO UTILISE THE ART OF "SUGGESTION."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Doctor, six down at the turn, "suggests" to his opponent that
+they are playing croquet, and wins by two and one</span>.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerics.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Tents of a Night</i> (<span class="sc">Smith, Elder</span>) is a quite ordinary story,
+about entirely commonplace persons, which has however
+an original twist in it. I never met a story that conveyed
+so vividly the nastiness of a summer holiday that isn't nice.
+The holiday was in Brittany, just the common round,
+Cherbourg, Coutances, Mont St. Michel, and the rest of it;
+and the holiday-makers were <i>Mr.</i> and <i>Mrs. Hepburn</i>, their
+niece <i>Anne</i>, and a rather pleasant flapper named <i>Barbara</i>
+whom they had taken in charge. <i>Anne</i> is the heroine and
+central character of the holiday; and certainly whatever
+discomforts it contained she seems to have done her successful
+best to add to. "This is a beastly place!" was her
+written comment upon St. Michel; and it was typical of her
+attitude throughout. Of course the real trouble with <i>Anne</i>
+was something deeper than drains or crowded hotels or the
+smell of too many omelettes: she was in love. Apparently
+she was more or less in love with two men, <i>Dragotin Voinovich</i>
+(whose name was a constant worry to <i>Anne's</i> aunt,
+and I am bound to say that I share her feelings about it)
+and <i>Jimmy Fordyce</i>, a pleasant young Englishman who
+pulls the girls out of quicksands and makes himself
+generally agreeable. In the end, however&mdash;but on second
+thoughts the end, emotionally speaking, of <i>Anne</i> is just
+what I shall not tell you, as it is precisely the thing that
+redeems the book from being commonplace. This you will
+enjoy; and also those remarkably real descriptions of
+various plage-hotels in August, the noise, the crowds, the
+long hot meals, the sunshine and constant wind, the sand
+on the staircase, and the general atmosphere of wet bathing-gowns&mdash;all
+these are a luxurious delight to read about
+in a comfortable English room. Miss <span class="sc">Mary Findlater</span>
+evidently knows them.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Dippers who have given a new meaning to the classical
+motto, <i>Respice finem</i>, are so common amongst novel readers
+that <span class="sc">Patricia Wentworth</span> will only have herself to thank
+if many who are unfamiliar with her work fail to do justice
+to a book nine-tenths of which is thoroughly interesting
+and excellently well-written. As a boy, the hero of <i>Simon
+Heriot</i> (<span class="sc">Melrose</span>) is misunderstood, and although <i>Mr.
+Martin</i>, his step-father, is a somewhat stagey specimen of
+the heavy and vulgar papa, the child's emotions (as, for
+instance, when he pretends that the storm of his parent's
+wrath is the ordeal of the Inquisition or some far-away
+battle of paladins in which he is contending) are finely
+conceived, and many of the later passages in <i>Simon's</i> life&mdash;his
+unhappy love affair with <i>Maud Courtney</i>, his relations
+with his grandmother and with <i>William Forster</i>, the schoolmaster&mdash;are
+quite engrossing and give occasion for memorable
+sketches of character. It is when the natural end of
+the story is reached, and <i>Simon</i> has come into his own and
+has just been wedded to his proper affinity, that the structure
+seems to me to fall with a crash. I might perhaps,
+though not without reluctance, have pardoned an impertinent
+railway accident which leaves the young man apparently
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page20" id="page20"></a>[pg 20]</span>
+crippled for life, but the last chapters, in which he finds
+spiritual comfort and (after the doctors have given up hope)
+complete anatomical readjustment through the ministrations
+of faith healing, alienated me entirely. From the
+outset the obvious scheme of the novel is to bring the hero
+back happily to the home and, if you will, the rustic church
+of his ancestors; and, though the science of Christian
+healing may do all that its adherents claim for it, it has
+about as much to do with the case of <i>Simon Heriot</i> as the
+dancing dervishes or the rites of Voodoo.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Demetra Vaka</span> has melted my literary heart. By way
+of homage to her I eat the dust and recant all the hard and
+bitter things I said and thought in my youth concerning
+Ancient Greece; especially I apologise, on behalf of myself
+and my pedagogues, for after regarding its language as a
+dead one. <i>A Child of the Orient</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>) has taught me
+better, though the last object the author appears to have in
+view is to educate. This "Greek girl brought up in a
+Turkish household" writes to amuse, entertain and charm,
+and her success is abundant.
+Whether it is attributable to
+the romantic particulars of
+the Turkish household or to
+the ingenuous personality of
+the Greek girl, I hesitate to
+say, since both are so captivating;
+but this I know,
+that, considered as descriptive
+sketches or personal episodes,
+each of the twenty-two
+chapters is a separate delight.
+For the ready writer
+material is not wanting in
+the Near East; a fine theme
+is provided in the national
+ambition of the Greek, who
+cannot forget his glorious
+past and be content with his
+less conspicuous present. As
+for the love interest, who
+should supply this better
+than the Turk? In these
+days of cosmopolitanism
+there are bound to be romantic complications in the lives
+of a polygamous people situate in a monogamous continent.
+By way of postscript the authoress travels abroad and deals
+with alien matters; her impression, I gather, is that if her
+ancestors of classical times could see our world of to-day
+and express an opinion upon it the best of their praise
+would be reserved for the fact of the British Empire, and
+the worst of their abuse be spent upon what is known as
+American humour. I am so constituted that I cannot but
+be prejudiced in favour of a writer gifted with so profound
+a judgment.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The creatrix of <i>Pam</i> must look to her laurels. Slovenliness
+is the aptest word to apply to the workmanship of
+<i>Maria</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>), the latest heroine of the Baroness
+<span class="sc">Von Hutten</span>. <i>Maria</i> has the air of having been contracted
+for, while that fastidious overseer who lurks at the elbow
+of every honest craftsman, condemning this or that phrase,
+readjusting the other faulty piece of construction, has
+frankly abandoned the contractor. <i>Maria</i> was the daughter
+of an artist cadger (name of <i>Drello</i>), friend of the great
+and seller of their autograph letters, whereby he was
+astute enough to make a comfortable living. <i>Maria</i> had a
+dull brother named <i>Laertes</i>, who accidentally met a highness,
+who fell very abruptly in love with <i>Maria</i> and made
+her strictly dishonourable proposals. <i>Maria</i> drew herself
+up, compelled him to apologise and go away, until the
+nineteenth chapter, when she made similar proposals to the
+highness, now a duly and unhappily married <i>King of
+Sarmania</i>. But she is saved by the chivalrous love-lorn
+dwarf, <i>Tomsk</i>, who, with the irascible singing-master
+<i>Sulzer</i>, is responsible for the chief elements of vitality in
+this rather suburban romance. And I found myself never
+believing in <i>Maria's</i> wondrous beauty and quite sharing
+<i>Sulzer's</i> poor opinion of her singing. But this of course
+was mere prejudice.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In <i>Grizel Married</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>) Mrs. <span class="sc">George de
+Horne Vaizey</span> exhibits the highest-handed method of
+treating Romance that ever I met. For consider the
+situation to be resolved. <i>Dane Peignton</i> was engaged to
+<i>Teresa</i>, but in love with <i>Lady Cassandra Raynor</i>, whose
+husband, I regret to add, was still alive. <i>Dane</i> and <i>Cassandra</i>
+had never told their love, and concealment might
+have continued to prey on their damask cheeks, if Mrs.
+<span class="sc">Vaizey</span> had not (very
+naturally), wished to give us
+a big emotional scene of
+avowal. It is the way in
+which this is done that compels
+my homage. Off go the
+characters on a picnic, obviously
+big with fate. <i>Teresa</i>
+goes, and <i>Dane</i> and <i>Cassandra</i>,
+the fourth being
+<i>Grizel</i>, whom you may recall
+pleasantly from an earlier
+book; but, though she fills
+the title <i>r&ocirc;le</i> in this one,
+she has little to do with its
+development. Of course I
+saw that something tragic
+was going to happen to
+somebody on that picnic&mdash;cliffs
+or tides or mad bulls
+or something. But I don't
+suppose that in twenty
+guesses you could get at the
+actual instrument of destiny.
+<i>Cassandra</i> chokes over a fish-bone! That's what I
+meant about Mrs. <span class="sc">Vaizey's</span> courage. And the reward of
+it is that, after your first moment of incredulity, the fish-bone
+isn't in the least bit absurd. Poor <i>Cassandra</i> comes
+quite near to expiring of it; and <i>Dane</i>, having thumped
+and battered her into safety, sobs out his wild and whirling
+passion, while <i>Grizel</i> and poor <i>Teresa</i> have just to sit about
+and listen. It really is rather a striking and original climax;
+incidentally it is far the best scene in an otherwise not very
+brilliant tale. But, having attended that picnic, I shall be
+astonished if you don't, want to go on to the end and see
+how it all straightens out.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/020.png"><img width="100%" src="images/020.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">Bargain</span> Two-seater, with most of the accessories; only done
+fifty miles; water-cooled-engine; owner giving up driving.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"At 9.30 o'clock, as the fog lifted somewhat, the rescuing steamer
+Lyonnesse had sighted the Gothland, fast on the rocks, with a bad
+list to starboard, and apparently partly filled with pater."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Chronicle.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>"Our Special Correspondent's" father seems to be a big
+man.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"While the class watches, the teacher pronounces all the words.
+Then the whole class pronounces them while the teacher points,
+skipping around."&mdash;<i>Hawaii Educational Review.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>A pretty, scene, if the teacher is a man of graceful
+movements.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, July
+1, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+Project Gutenberg's Punch, or the London Charivari, July 1, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, July 1, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 18, 2008 [EBook #24357]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 147.
+
+
+
+July 1, 1914.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROGRESS.
+
+["Giving evidence recently before a Select Committee of the House of
+Commons, Miss C. E. Collet, of the Home Office, said the commercial
+laundry was killing the small hand laundry."--_Evening News._]
+
+  The little crafts! How soon they die!
+    In cottage doors no shuttle clicks;
+  The hand-loom has been ousted by
+    A large concern with lots more sticks.
+
+  The throb of pistons beats around;
+    Great chimneys rise on Thames's banks;
+  The same phenomena are found
+    In Sheffield. (Yorks) and Oldham (Lancs).
+
+  No longer now the housewife makes
+    Her rare preserves, for what's the good?
+  The factory round the corner fakes
+    Raspberry jam with chips of wood.
+
+  'Tis so with what we eat and wear,
+    Our bread, the boots wherein we splosh
+  'Tis so with what I deemed most fair,
+    Most virginal of all--the Wash.
+
+  'Tis this that chiefly, when I chant,
+    Fulfils my breast with sighs of ruth,
+  To think that engines can supplant
+    The Amazons I loved in youth.
+
+  That not with tender care, as erst
+    By spinster females fancy-free,
+  These button-holes of mine get burst
+    Before the shift comes back to me;
+
+  That mere machines, and not a maid
+    With fingers fatuously plied,
+  The collars and the cuffs have frayed
+    That still excoriate my hide;
+
+  That steam reduces to such states
+    What once was marred by human skill;
+  That socks are sundered from their mates
+    By means of an electric mill;
+
+  That not by Cupid's coy advance
+    (Some crone conniving at the fraud),
+  But simply by mechanic chance,
+    I get this handkerchief marked "Maud."
+
+  This is, indeed, a striking change;
+    I sometimes wonder if the world
+  Gets better as the skies grow strange
+    With coils of smoke about them curled.
+
+  If the old days were not the best
+    Ere printed formulas conveyed
+  Sorrow about that silken vest
+    For all eternity mislaid;
+
+  Ere yet the unwieldy motor-van
+    Came clattering round the kerbstone's brink,
+  Its driver dreaming some new plan
+    To make my mauve pyjamas shrink.
+
+Evoe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ENCHANTED CASTLE.
+
+There are warm days in London when even a window-box fails to charm, and
+one longs for the more open spaces of the country. Besides, one wants to
+see how the other flowers are getting on. It is on these days that we
+travel to our Castle of Stopes; as the crow flies, fifteen miles away.
+Indeed, that is the way we get to it, for it is a castle in the air. And
+when we are come to it Celia is always in a pink sun-bonnet gathering
+roses lovingly, and I, not very far off, am speaking strongly to
+somebody or other about something I want done. By-and-by I shall go into
+the library and work ... with an occasional glance through the open
+window at Celia.
+
+To think that a month ago we were quite happy with a few pink geraniums!
+
+Sunday, a month ago, was hot. "Let's take train somewhere," said Celia,
+"and have lunch under a hedge."
+
+"I know a lovely place for hedges," I said.
+
+"I know a lovely tin of potted grouse," said Celia, and she went off to
+cut some sandwiches. By twelve o'clock we were getting out of the train.
+
+The first thing we came to was a golf course, and Celia had to drag me
+past it. Then we came to a wood, and I had to drag her through it.
+Another mile along a lane, and then we both stopped together.
+
+"Oh!" we said.
+
+It was a cottage, the cottage of a dream. And by a cottage I mean, not
+four plain rooms and a kitchen, but one surprising room opening into
+another; rooms all on different levels and of different shapes, with
+delightful places to bump your head on; open fireplaces; a large square
+hall, oak-beamed, where your guests can hang about after breakfast,
+while deciding whether to play golf or sit in the garden. Yet all so
+cunningly disposed that from outside it looks only a cottage or, at
+most, two cottages persuaded into one.
+
+And, of course, we only saw it from outside. The little drive,
+determined to get there as soon as possible, pushed its way straight
+through an old barn, and arrived at the door simultaneously with the
+flagged lavender walk for the humble who came on foot. The rhododendrons
+were ablaze beneath the south windows; a little orchard was running wild
+on the west; there was a hint at the back of a clean-cut lawn. Also, you
+remember, there was a golf course, less than two miles away.
+
+"Oh," said Celia with a deep sigh, "but we must live here."
+
+An Irish terrier ran out to inspect us. I bent down and patted it. "With
+a dog," I added.
+
+"Isn't it all lovely? I wonder who it belongs to, and if----"
+
+"If he'd like to give it to us."
+
+"Perhaps he would if he saw us and admired us very much," said Celia
+hopefully.
+
+"I don't think Mr. Barlow is that sort of man," I said. "An excellent
+fellow, but not one to take these sudden fancies."
+
+"Mr. Barlow? How do you know his name?"
+
+"I have these surprising intuitions," I said modestly. "The way the
+chimneys stand up----"
+
+"I know," cried Celia. "The dog's collar."
+
+"Right, Watson. And the name of the house is Stopes."
+
+She repeated it to herself with a frown.
+
+"What a disappointing name," she said. "Just Stopes."
+
+"Stopes," I said. "Stopes, Stopes. If you keep on saying it, a certain
+old-world charm seems to gather round it. Stopes."
+
+"Stopes," said Celia. "It _is_ rather jolly."
+
+We said it ten more times each, and it seemed the only possible name for
+it. Stopes--of course.
+
+"Well?" I asked.
+
+"We must write to Mr. Barlow," said Celia decisively. "'Dear Mr. Barlow,
+er----Dear Mr. Barlow,----we----' Yes, it will be rather difficult. What
+do we want to say exactly?"
+
+"'Dear Mr. Barlow,--May we have your house?'"
+
+"Yes," smiled Celia, "but I'm afraid we can hardly ask for it. But we
+might rent it when--when he doesn't want it any more."
+
+"'Dear Mr. Barlow,'" I amended, "'have you any idea when you're! going
+to die?' No, that wouldn't do either. And there's another thing--we
+don't know his initials, or even if he's a 'Mr.' Perhaps he's a knight
+or a--a duke. Think how offended Duke Barlow would be if we put '----
+Barlow, Esq.' on the envelope."
+
+"We could telegraph. 'Barlow. After you with Stopes.'"
+
+"Perhaps there's a young Barlow, a Barlowette or two with expectations.
+It may have been in the family for years."
+
+"Then we----Oh, let's have lunch." She sat down and began to undo the
+sandwiches. "Dear o' Stopes," she said with her mouth full.
+
+We lunched outside Stopes. Surely if Earl Barlow had seen us he would
+have asked us in. But no doubt his dining-room looked the other way;
+towards the east and north, as I pointed out to Celia, thus being
+pleasantly cool at lunch-time.
+
+"Ha, Barlow," I said dramatically, "a time will come when _we_ shall be
+lunching in there, and _you_----bah!" And I tossed a potted-grouse
+sandwich to his dog.
+
+However, that didn't get us any nearer.
+
+"Will you _promise_," said Celia, "that we shall have lunch in there one
+day?"
+
+"I promise," I said readily. That gave me about sixty years to do
+something in.
+
+"I'm like--who was it who saw something of another man's and wouldn't be
+happy till he got it?"
+
+"The baby in the soap advertisement."
+
+"No, no, some king in history."
+
+"I believe you are thinking of Ahab, but you aren't a bit like him,
+really. Besides, we're not coveting Stopes. All we want to know is, does
+Barlow ever let it in the summer?"
+
+"That's it," said Celia eagerly.
+
+"And, if so," I went on, "will he lend us the money to pay the rent
+with?"
+
+"Er--yes," said Celia. "That's it."
+
+
+So for a month we have lived in our Castle of Stopes. I see Celia there
+in her pink sun-bonnet, gathering the flowers lovingly, bringing an
+armful of them into the hall, disturbing me sometimes in the library
+with "_Aren't_ they beauties? No, I only just looked in--good luck to
+you." And she sees me ordering a man about importantly, or waving my
+hand to her as I ride through the old barn on my road to the
+golf-course.
+
+But this morning she had an idea.
+
+"Suppose," she said timidly, "you _wrote_ about Stopes, and Mr. Barlow;
+happened to see it, and knew how much we wanted it, and----"
+
+"Well?"
+
+"Then," said Celia firmly, "if he were a gentleman he would give it to
+us."
+
+Very well. Now we shall see if Mr. Barlow is a gentleman.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Correspondence.
+
+"Equal Rights" writes:--
+
+    "Dear Sir,--Why are descriptive names confined to boxers, such
+    as Bombardier Wells and Gunboat Smith? Why not Rifleman Redmond,
+    Airman Churchill, Solicitor George, Golfer Asquith, Bushman
+    Wilding, Trundler Hitch, Dude Alexander, Bandsman Beecham,
+    Hunger-Striker Pankhurst? Or, to take Editors----"
+
+[The rest of this communication is omitted owing to considerations of
+space.--Ed.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHEN THE SHIPS COME HOME.
+
+[Illustration: Greece. "ISN'T IT TIME WE STARTED FIGHTING AGAIN?"
+
+Turkey. "YES, I DARESAY. HOW SOON COULD YOU BEGIN?"
+
+Greece. "OH, IN A FEW WEEKS."
+
+Turkey. "NO GOOD FOR ME. SHAN'T BE READY TILL THE AUTUMN".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "We're giving our pastor a new drawing-room carpet on the
+occasion on his jubilee. Show me something that looks nice but isn't too
+expensive."
+
+"Here is the very thing, Madame--real Kidderminister."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EGYPT IN VENICE.
+
+"_La Legende de Joseph._"
+
+Those who know the kind of attractions that the Russian ballet offers in
+so many of its themes could have easily guessed, without previous
+enlightenment, what episode in the life of Joseph had been selected for
+illustration last week at Drury Lane. But they could never have guessed
+that Herr Tiessen, author of a shilling guide to the intentions of the
+composer, would attach a transcendental significance to the conduct of
+_Potiphar's Wife_. "Through the unknown divine," he informs us, "which
+is still new and mysterious to her, an imperious desire awakens in her
+to fathom, to possess this world"--the world, that is to say, which
+_Joseph's_ imagination creates in the course of an exhibition dance. If
+this is so, I can only say that her behaviour is strangely misleading.
+
+The scene opens at a party given by _Potiphar_ in Venice. Venice, of
+course, was not _Potiphar's_ home address; and I marvel a little at the
+change of _venue_ when I think how much more harmony could have been got
+out of an Egyptian setting. But then I remind myself that the Russian
+ballet is nothing if not _bizarre_. The long banqueting-table recalls
+the canvases of Veronese, but with discordant notes of the Orient and
+elsewhere. _Potiphar_ himself, seated on a dais, has the air of an
+Assyrian bull. By his side _Mme. Potiphar_ wears breeches ending above
+the knee, with white stockings and high clogs.
+
+For the entertainment of the guests there was a dance of nuptial
+unveiling and a bout between half-a-dozen Turkish boxers. But it was a
+decadent and _blaze_ company, and something more piquant was needed for
+their titillation. This was supplied in the shape of an original dance
+by the fifteen-year-old _Joseph_, whom my guide describes as "graceful,
+wild and pungent." He was introduced in a recumbent posture, and asleep,
+on a covered stretcher, and at first I had the clever idea that he was
+the customary corpse that appeared at Egyptian feasts to remind the
+company of their liability to die. But when he woke up and began to
+dance I saw at once that I was wrong.
+
+I now know all about the interpretation of _Joseph's_ dance; but I defy
+anyone to say at sight and without a showman's assistance what precisely
+he was after. In the Third Figure (according to my guide-book) "there is
+in his leaps a feeling of heaviness, as if he were bound to earth, and
+he stumbles once or twice as one who has missed his goal;" but how was I
+to guess that this signified that his "searching after God" was still
+ineffectual? or that when in the Fourth Figure he "leaps with light
+feet" this meant that "Joseph has found God"? I don't blame the boy for
+not knowing the rule that forbids one art to trespass on the domain of
+another; but there is no excuse for Herr Strauss, who must have been
+well aware that, for the conveyance of any but the most obvious
+emotions, mute dancing can never be a satisfactory substitute for
+articulate poetry.
+
+However, _Potiphar's_ guests seemed better instructed than I was, for
+they threw off their apathy and took quite an intelligent interest in
+_Joseph's_ _pas seul_. Indeed, one young man (the episode escaped me at
+the dress rehearsal, but I have it in the guide-book)--one young man,
+"sobbing, buries his head in his hands, upsetting thereby a dish of
+fruit." As for _Potiphar_, it failed to stir the sombre depths of his
+abysmal boredom, but his wife, whose ennui had hitherto been of the most
+profound, began to sit up and take notice, and at the end of the dance
+she sent for _Joseph_ and supplemented his rather exiguous costume with
+a gross necklace of jewels, letting her hand linger awhile on his bare
+neck. Already, it will be seen, she was intrigued with the "unknown
+divine." _Joseph_, on the contrary, received her attentions without
+_empressement_.
+
+In the next scene--after a rather woolly and unintelligible
+interlude--we see _Joseph_ retiring to his couch in an alcove behind the
+place where the banqueting-table had been. You will judge how urgent was
+the lady's keenness to probe the mysteries of his divine nature when I
+tell you that she could not wait till the morning to pursue her
+enquiries, but must needs visit him in his chamber at dead of night, and
+wearing the one garment of the hour. At first, still half dreaming, he
+mistakes her for an angel (he had already seen one in his sleep), but
+subsequently, growing suspicious, he repels her with a dignified
+disdain. For I must tell you that, whatever the guide-book may allege
+about the loftiness of her designs, the music gave her away. It
+reverted, in fact, to the motive of those passages which had already
+accompanied and illustrated the nuptial dance, the dance (as Herr
+Tiessen calls it) of "burning Love-longing."
+
+At this juncture, _Potiphar_ and his minions break upon the scene. His
+wife, after denouncing _Joseph_, is distracted between passion of hatred
+and passion of love, and there is some play (reminding one of
+_L'Apres-midi d'un Faune_) with the purple cloak which _Joseph_ had
+discarded. Presently she eludes her dilemma by fainting.
+
+Meanwhile it has been the work of a moment to order up a brazier, a pair
+of pincers, a poker, a headsman and an axe. The instruments of torture
+waste no time in getting red-hot; and we anticipate the worst. _Joseph_,
+however, who has ignored these preparations and maintained an attitude
+of superbly indifferent aloofness, suddenly becomes luminous under great
+pressure of limelight; and most of the cast, including a ballet of
+female dervishes, are abashed to the ground.
+
+Now appears, on the open-work entresol at the back of the stage, an
+archangel. The guide-book is in error where it says that he glides
+downwards on a shaft of light radiating from a star. As a matter of fact
+he walks down the main staircase to the ground floor. Approaching
+_Joseph_ he takes him by the hand and "leads him heavenwards" by the
+same flight of steps; and we are to understand that, in the opinion of
+Herr Strauss, the boy's subsequent career, as recorded in the Hebraic
+Scriptures, may be treated as negligible.
+
+I should like, in excuse of my own flippancy, to assume the same
+detachment, and to regard this ballet-theme as having practically no
+relation whatever to Biblical history, but being just one of many themes
+out of Oriental lore, mostly secular, that lend themselves to the drama
+of disappointed passion. My only serious protest is against the
+hypocrisy which pretends, with regard to _Potiphar's Wife_, to see a
+spiritual significance in what is mere vulgar animalism.
+
+I ought, by the way, to have said that, in a spasm of chagrin, she
+chokes herself with the pearl necklace which lent the only touch of
+superfluity to her night attire, and was carried out--but not up the
+main staircase. Thus ends this sordid tragedy that so well illustrates
+that quality in Herr Strauss to which my guide refers when he speaks of
+his realization of a "poignant longing for divine cheerfulness."
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Excuse me, Sir, but would you like to buy a nice little
+dawg?"
+
+"No, thanks very much. He looks as though he would bite."
+
+"'E won't bite yer _if you buy 'im_, Guv'ner."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENIGMA.
+
+    My love to me is cold,
+  And no more seeks my gaze; I wonder why!
+  The smile of welcome that I loved of old
+    No longer lights her eye.
+
+    One little week ago
+  I asked no surer guide than Cupid's chart;
+  I said, "Your eyes reveal the depths below,
+    And I can read your heart."
+
+    She let her shy gaze fall,
+  And smiling asked, "Is then my face a screed,
+  My brow an open love-letter, where all
+    The world my thoughts may read?"
+
+    Said I, "The world, I'll vow,
+  Is blind! Myself alone may see the signs,
+  And know the message written on your brow:
+    I read between the lines."
+
+    My dear to me is cold;
+  Gone somewhere is the love-light from her eye;
+  And, when our ways meet, stately she doth hold
+    Her course. I wonder why.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Curiously, the Australian Minister of Defence in the last
+    Parliament bore the same name as the Prime Minister in that
+    which has just been dissolved."
+
+    _Westminster Gazette._
+
+A similar curious coincidence happened in England, the War Minister in
+the last Parliament bearing the same name as the present Lord
+Chancellor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MEN FOR THE ANTARCTIC.
+
+    105 Canadian Dogs to go with Sir E. Shackleton."
+
+    _Daily Express._
+
+A gay lot, these Canadians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SCANDALMONGRIAN ROMANCE.
+
+(_By Francis Scribble._)
+
+[_The following article, specially written for us by the Author of "Ten
+Frail Beauties of the Restoration," "Tales Told by a Royal Washerwoman,"
+etc., is another important contribution to the literature of the Royal
+Dirty-Linen Bag._]
+
+A day or two ago a short notice in the papers told of the death of Mrs.
+Maria Tubbs at Cannes; but few, if any, of those who read that brief
+announcement will have recognised in it the close of one of the most
+amazing careers of the nineteenth century. Yet little surprise need be
+expressed at this general ignorance, for who would think to find under
+that somewhat common-place name the ravishingly beautiful Maria
+Cotherstone, who, forty years ago, was swept by Fate into the track of
+the late King of Scandalmongria, and well-nigh caused that singularly
+unstable bark to founder? It is with the kindly object of rescuing her
+romance from oblivion that this brief chronicle is written.
+
+In 1873 the Scandalmongrian Minister in London was requested to find an
+English lady to take charge of the two children of his Royal master,
+and, after searching enquiries, he was successful, and Miss Maria
+Cotherstone turned her back on England never more to return. She was
+just twenty-two, fresh and blooming, possessed of the gayest of spirits,
+delightful manners and the highest accomplishments. Quietly she assumed
+control of the Royal schoolroom, and by her charm no less than by her
+firmness she quickly won the respect and love of her charges. Well had
+it been for her memory if her influence had never spread beyond the
+walls of her schoolroom; this article had then been unwritten. But alas
+for human nature! One day His Majesty's eyes fell upon the person of his
+children's governess, and then began one of the most sordid intrigues it
+has ever been my pleasure to recall. [A large statement, as readers of
+our author's _Gleanings from a Royal Dustbin_ will readily acknowledge.
+However, the succeeding three-quarter of a column of details, here
+omitted, prove that there is at least some foundation for the remark.]
+
+... And so their romance ended, and His Majesty returned to the bosom of
+his family and became once more the righteous upholder of the sanctity
+of the marriage tie. At first his easy-going Court smiled somewhat at
+the claim; but, when one or two highly-placed officials presumed to
+follow in the footsteps of their Sovereign, and were in consequence
+banished irrevocably from his presence, Scandalmongrian Society realised
+with a pained surprise that what is venial in a monarch may, in a
+subject, be a damnable offence.
+
+And what of Maria, the charming, fascinating, much injured Maria? For
+several years she is lost, and then we hear of her marriage at Rome to
+"John Tubbs, Esq., of London," and once again she vanishes, only to turn
+up many years later at Cannes. She is a widow now, and a model of all
+the virtues. Who so staid and respectable as Madam? Who so charitable to
+the poor? Few, it is to be feared, will have recognised in that handsome
+old lady, so regular in her attendance at the services of the English
+Church, the beauteous Maria Cotherstone whose name was once on the lips
+of everybody from one end of Europe to the other. It nearly happened,
+indeed, that she went down to her grave with all her scandalous,
+feverish past forgotten, leaving behind her only the fragrant memory of
+her later life. But I have saved her. It is a queer story, quite
+interesting enough to recall.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN.
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "That's a nicely-made dress you have on,
+Jane. It's like the new parlourmaid's, isn't it?"
+
+_Jane (a close student of the fashion catalogues)._ "Oh no, Ma'am,
+_this_ is _quite_ a different creation."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+It is not only misfortune that makes strange bedfellows. Both Earl
+Beauchamp and Sir Joseph Beecham appear in the recent Honours List.
+
+       ***
+
+By-the-by, it is denied that Sir Joseph Beecham was in any way
+responsible for the Government's "Pills for Earthquakes," by which it
+was hoped to avert the Irish crisis.
+
+       ***
+
+A New York cable announces that the Duke of Manchester is interesting
+himself in a cinematograph proposition of a philanthropic nature, and
+that the company will be known as the "Church and School Social Service
+Corporation for the Advancement of Moral and Religious Education and
+Social Uplift Work through the medium of the Higher Art of the Moving
+Picture." It will of course be possible for the man in a hurry to call
+it, _tout court_, the
+"C.&S.S.S.C.F.T.A.O.M.&R.E.&S.U.W.T.T.M.O.T.H.A.O.T.M.P."
+
+       ***
+
+The penny off the income tax came just in time. It enabled several
+Liberal plutocrats to buy a rose on Alexandra Day.
+
+       ***
+
+The balance-sheet of the German Company which had been running a
+Zeppelin airship passenger service has just been issued, and shows a
+loss of L10,000 on the year's working. This is not surprising, the
+difficulty which all aircraft experience to keep their balance.
+
+       ***
+
+At the launch of the liner _Bismarck_ last week, the bottle of
+wine--which was thrown by the Countess Hannah von Bismarck missed the
+vessel, whereupon the Kaiser hauled back the bottle, and with his
+proverbial good luck hit the target.
+
+       ***
+
+Five shots were fired last week at Baron Henri de Rothschild. At first
+it was thought that this was done to stop the author of _Croesus_ from
+writing more plays, but, when it transpired that the assailant was a man
+who objected to the "Rothschild Cheap Milk Supply," public sympathy
+veered round in favour of the Baron.
+
+       ***
+
+Messrs. Selfridge and Co. were last week defrauded by a well-dressed
+man, who obtained two dressing-bags with silver fittings by means of a
+trick without paying for them. This is really abominable. It is bad
+enough when merely commercial firms are victimised: to best a
+philanthropic institution in this way is peculiarly base.
+
+       ***
+
+"Mexican Rebel Split."
+
+_Morning Post._
+
+Now perhaps the other civilised Powers will intervene. We have heard of
+many inhumanities marking the war in Mexico, but this treatment of a
+rebel is surely the limit.
+
+       ***
+
+It is not often, we imagine, that the British Navy is used to enforce a
+change of diet. H.M.S. _Torch_ has just been ordered on a punitive
+expedition to Malekula Island, where certain of the natives have been
+eating some of their compatriots.
+
+       ***
+
+An American woman, according to _The Express_, has a serious complaint
+about the London policeman. She declares that she walked all the way
+from Queen's Hall to Piccadilly Circus with three buttons of her blouse
+undone at the back, and "not a single policeman" offered to do it up for
+her. No doubt the Force was reluctant to interfere with what might turn
+out to be the latest fashion. A Boy Scout who offered, the other day, to
+sew up a split skirt got his ears soundly boxed.
+
+       ***
+
+Meanwhile the glad tidings reach us that women's skirts and bodices are
+to fasten in front instead of at the back. Husbands all over the world
+who have on occasions been pressed into their wives' service as maids,
+only to learn that they were clumsy boobies, would like to have the name
+of the arbiter of fashion who is responsible for this innovation, as
+there is some thought of erecting a statue to him.
+
+       ***
+
+Some distinguished German professors have been discussing the question
+of the best place in which to keep a baby in summer. It is
+characteristic, however, of these unpractical persons that not one of
+them suggests the obvious ice-safe.
+
+       ***
+
+"One of the first things the rich should learn," says Dean Inge, "is
+that money is not put to the best use when it is merely spent on
+enjoyment." It is hoped that this pronouncement may lead wealthy people
+to patronise our concert-halls more than they do.
+
+       ***
+
+"L1,600," a newspaper tells us, "were found hidden in the cork leg of
+Harry C. Wise while he was undergoing treatment in a hospital at
+Denver." And now, we suspect, Harry's friends will always be pulling his
+leg.
+
+       ***
+
+"Have you seen _Pelleas and Melisande_?"
+
+"No. Is it as funny as _Potash and Perlmutter_?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COLLECTORS.
+
+My dinner partner was a self-made man and not ashamed of it.
+
+"Do you take an interest in china, ma'am?" he asked me.
+
+I felt that if I said "Yes" I should have to buy some. So I said "No,"
+but he didn't wait to hear what I said.
+
+"I think I may say," he continued, "that I have the finest collection of
+old Dresden china in London."
+
+He went into the figures, explaining the cost price and the difficulty
+of storage.
+
+"Oh," said I, "if you find it a nuisance, I've a parlour-maid I could
+recommend to you; just the girl to help you to get rid of it."
+
+At this point I think he had some idea of having the finest collection
+of parlourmaids in Middlesex, but he made it small dogs instead. Was I
+interested in these? No, but I supposed I'd have to be if he insisted.
+
+"I don't think I should be far wrong," he began, but I hustled him
+through to the end of his sentence.
+
+"Finest collection in--?" I asked.
+
+"England," he said.
+
+He went over their points, and in an expansive moment I marvelled. This
+was imprudent, as it caused him to search his mind for some further
+spectacular triumph wherewith to amaze and delight.
+
+"That," he said, looking up the table, "is my wife."
+
+"Marvellous," said I.
+
+He took this in the best part. "You refer to her diamonds?" he said.
+
+"Did I?" said I.
+
+"The finest collection in Great Britain," he declared, and spread
+himself over the subject.
+
+Later, in a mood of concession, he inquired as to my specialities. I had
+none, at least none that I could think of. Determined to extract
+something noteworthy, he questioned me on every possibility. Was I not
+married? That was so, I agreed, but then so many women are.
+
+"You have sons, ma'am?" he persisted, with that implacable optimism to
+which, among other things, he no doubt owed his success in the world.
+
+I thought of Baby. "Ah yes, of course," I said. "The finest collection
+in Europe."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'In Norway,' she says, 'we do not eat one-third the quantity
+    that the English eat; our meals are simpler and shorter. I
+    believe that this is the cause of the enormous amount of
+    indigestion that is suffered by the English.'"
+
+    _Daily News and Leader._
+
+So our doctor, who attributed our indigestion to lobster mayonnaise, was
+wrong again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KINDNESS TO SUBJECTS.
+
+[One of our illustrated papers recently published a picture of the King
+of Spain in a motor-car which had broken down. The car was being pushed
+along by some helpful people, and the comment on the picture was, "It is
+these thoughtful little acts that make royalty so popular nowadays."
+Lest it should be thought that the other potentates of Europe take less
+trouble to make themselves beloved by their subjects, we hasten to give
+a few instances which have come to our notice.]
+
+[Illustration: Last week the King of Cadonia had his hat blown off in
+the Bluemengarten (the beautiful park near the Royal Palace). This kindly
+act should deepen the affection in which the monarch is held by his
+People.]
+
+[Illustration: A few days ago the Crown Prince of Schlossrattenheim had
+an accident with his aeroplane, which overturned near Schutzmeer.
+Fortunately his Royal Highness fell on a retired Wuerst-haendler who was
+walking on the beach.
+
+The Crown Prince's devotion to his beloved subjects is well known, and
+this tactful deed was only another instance of it.]
+
+[Illustration: Yesterday Prince John of Pumpenhosen inadvertently
+collided with a pleasure-yacht at the mouth the harbour of Krebs while
+trying a new motor boat. All the passengers were saved and the Prince
+showed no signs of fear.
+
+This should enhance his great popularity, if such a thing were
+possible.]
+
+[Illustration: King Stephan III. of Servilia, while playing on the links
+at Nibliksk last week, Initiated one of his equerries into the humour of
+the game. By this thoughtful act his Majesty adds to the deserved love
+and reverence in which he is held by the Servilians of all classes.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Alan_ (_to his mother, who is busy with a heavy
+house-cleaning_). "Please, Mother, read me a story."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WALKERS.
+
+  There were eight pretty walkers who went up a hill;
+  They were Jessamine, Joseph and Japhet and Jill,
+  And Allie and Sally and Tumbledown Bill,
+            And Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They were all in good training and all of them keen,
+  And their chief wore a coat and a waistcoat of green;
+  He was always a proud man and kept himself clean,
+  Did Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They intended to lunch when they got to the top
+  On a sandwich apiece and a biscuit and chop.
+  The provisions were carefully bought in a shop
+            By Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They were jesters of merit--the sort who can poke
+  Funny tales in your ribs till you splutter and choke;
+  But the best of the lot at a jibe or a joke
+            Was Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  It was ten of the clock when the walking began,
+  And they started with Tumbledown Bill in the van;
+  And the rear was brought up by that excellent man,
+            By Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They went off at a pace I am bound to deplore,
+  For they did twenty yards in a minute or more
+  And a yard or two over, a capital score
+            For Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They had all that pedestrians fairly can ask:
+  Smooth roads, sunny weather and beer in a cask,
+  And a friend who could teach them to stick to their task,
+            Viz.: Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  Yet I somehow suppose that they hadn't the knack,
+  For in spite of it all they have never come back,
+  And I own that the future looks dismally black
+            For Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  Now the walkers who seem to be stuck on the hill,
+  They are Jessamine, Joseph and Japhet and Jill,
+  And Allie and Sally and Tumbledown Bill,
+            And Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+King Peter of Servia.
+
+(From _The Daily Mirror_.)
+
+    "The proclamation, however, as given in a later message, reads
+    thus:--To My Beloved People: As I shall be prevented by illness
+    from exercising my royal power for some time, I order, by
+    Article 69 of the Constitution, that so long as my cure lasts
+    the Crown Prince Alexander shall govern in my name. On this
+    occasion I recommend my dear fatherland to the care of the
+    Almighty.
+
+    (Signed) Peter."
+
+"On this occasion" is perhaps a little invidious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two consecutive books in _The Western Daily Press_ list of publications
+received:--
+
+"Ring Strategy and Tactics.
+
+Charles Dickens in Chancery."
+
+The boxing boom continues.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EMERGENCY EXIT.
+
+[Illustration: Scene--_A Tight Place_.
+
+Child Herbert (_to "Wicked Baron"_). "MY LORD, I HAVE EVER REGARDED YOU
+AS A PESTILENT VILLAIN--NAY WORSE, AN HEREDITARY IMBECILE. I THEREFORE
+RELY ON YOUR BENEFICENT WISDOM TO FIND ME A WAY OUT OF THIS SINISTER
+WOOD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June 22._--Great muster of forces on both
+sides. Not wholly explained by second reading of Budget Bill standing as
+first Order. A section of Ministerialists, purists in finance, took
+exception to proposed procedure. Holt, spokesman at mouth of new Cave,
+put down amendment challenging Chancellor of Exchequer's proposals. Here
+was chance for watchful Opposition. If some thirty Ministerialists would
+go with them into Lobby it would not quite suffice to turn out Ministry;
+but it would be better than a Snap Division, with its personal
+inconvenience of preliminary hiding in bath-rooms and underground
+cellars.
+
+Cassel, adding to Parliamentary reputation studiously attained, raised
+subject on point of order. Underlying suggestion was that Budget Bill
+should be withdrawn and reintroduced under amended form of procedure.
+Speaker, whilst admitting irregularity, stopped short of approving
+extreme course. Pointed out that the matter might be put right by moving
+fresh resolutions.
+
+This disappointing. Worse to follow. The Infant Samuel, making fresh
+appearance in new part of understudy of Chancellor of Exchequer,
+conceded point of procedure made by Radical Cave. Promised objection
+should be fully met. Holt, amid ironical cheers from Opposition, said in
+these circumstances would not move amendment. Incident reminded Walter
+Long of story of the Colonel and the opossum up a tree.
+
+"Don't shoot!" said the Opossum; "I'll come down."
+
+Chancellor of the Exchequer had come down. No need for Colonel Holt to
+discharge his gun.
+
+Thus threatened crisis blew over. Members, cheered by promise of
+reduction by one half of proposed increase in Income Tax, got away early
+to attend various functions in honour of King's birthday.
+
+_Business done._--Second reading of Budget Bill moved.
+
+[Illustration: _Wicket-keeper_ (_Mr. Cassel_). "How's that?"
+
+_Umpire_ (_Mr. Speaker_). "Out!"
+
+_Batsman_ (_Mr. Lloyd George_). "Rotten antiquated rule!"
+
+["I did not expect ... that hon. members would go rummaging in the
+dustbins of ancient precedent to find obstacles to place in the way of
+these proposals."--_Mr. Lloyd George on his Budget._]]
+
+_House of Lords, Tuesday._--London season in full fling. May be said to
+reach dizziest height in this birthday week. Social engagements numerous
+and clashing. To-day House of Lords magnet of attraction of surpassing
+force. The thing for _grandes dames_ to do is to go down to the House
+and be present at opening of fresh tourney round Home Rule Bill.
+Accordingly, the peeresses, alive to their responsibility as leaders of
+high thinking and simple living, flock down to Westminster, filling
+side-galleries with grace, beauty, and some finely feathered hats.
+
+Seats on floor also crowded. Patriotic peers arriving late, finding no
+room on the benches where the Union Jack is kept flying, cross over.
+Temporarily seat themselves among the comparatively scanty flock of
+discredited Ministerialists. Bishops muster in exceptional number. Their
+rochets form wedge of spotless white thrust in centre of black-coated
+laity seated below Gangway on right of Woolsack. Space before Throne
+thronged with Privy Councillors availing themselves of the privilege
+their rank confers to come thus closely into contact with what is still
+an hereditary chamber.
+
+[Illustration: "Bill presented to Lords as a sort of lay figure, which
+they may, in accordance with taste and conviction, suitably clothe."]
+
+In centre of first row Carson uplifts his tall figure and surveys a
+scene he has done much to make possible.
+
+Perhaps in matter of dramatic interest the play did not quite come up to
+its superb setting. Principal parts taken by Crewe and Lansdowne.
+Neither accustomed to move House to spasms of enthusiasm. Leader of
+House, introducing what is officially known as Government of Ireland
+Amending Bill, made it clear in such sentences as were fully audible
+that scheme does not go a step beyond overture towards settlement
+proffered by Premier last March.
+
+Lansdowne expressed profound disappointment at this lack of enterprise.
+"Rather a shabby and undignified proceeding on the part of a strong
+Government," he said, "to come down with proposal they know to be wholly
+inadequate, and to hint that we ought to assist them in converting it
+into a practical and workable measure."
+
+Actual condition of things could not with equal brevity be more clearly
+stated. Bill presented to Lords as sort of lay figure, which they may,
+in accordance with taste and conviction, suitably clothe. No assurance
+forthcoming that style and fit will be approved when submitted to House
+of Commons, final arbiters.
+
+Meanwhile Bill read a first time, and ordered to be printed.
+
+_Business done._--The Commons still harping on the Budget. Tim Healy
+enlivened proceedings by vigorous personal attack on "the most reckless
+and incapable Chancellor of the Exchequer that ever sat on the Treasury
+Bench." Lloyd George's retort courteous looked forward to with interest.
+
+_House of Commons, Wednesday._--When, shortly after half-past five,
+Chancellor Of Exchequer rose to take part in debate on new development
+of Budget Bill, House nearly empty. Interests at stake enormous.
+Situation enlivened for Opposition by quandary of Government. But
+afternoon is hot, and from the silver Thames cool air blows over
+Terrace. Accordingly thither Members repair, leaving House to solitude
+and Chiozza Money.
+
+Benches rapidly filled when news went round that Chancellor was on his
+legs. Soon there was crowded audience. Sound of cheering and
+counter-cheering, applausive and derisive, frequently broke forth.
+Chancellor in fine fighting form. Malcontents in his own camp are
+reconciled. Hereditary foe in front. Went for him accordingly. Walter
+Long seated immediately opposite conveniently served as suitable target
+for whirling lance. Effectively quoted from speeches made by him at
+other times, insisting upon relief of the rate so heavily burdoned as to
+make it impossible to carry out social reforms of imperative necessity.
+
+"After these lavish professions of anxiety to help local authorities, I
+did not," said the Chancellor, "expect the right hon. gentleman and his
+friends would go rummaging in the dustbins of ancient precedent, to find
+obstacles to place in the way of proposals of reform."
+
+Carried away by his own eloquence, the Chancellor, whilst sarcastically
+complimentary to Walter Long, went so far as to call him "The Father of
+Form IV." The putative parent blushed. There were cries of "Order!" and
+"Withdraw!" Speaker did not interpose, and Chancellor hurried on to
+another point of his argument.
+
+Quite a long time since our old friend Form IV., at one time a familiar
+impulse to party vituperation, was mentioned in debate. This unexpected
+disclosure of its paternity made quite a stir.
+
+Son Austen followed Chancellor in brisk speech that led to one or two
+interludes of angry interruption across the Table. When he made an end
+of speaking, debate relapsed into former condition of languor. Talk
+dully kept up till half-past eleven.
+
+_Business done._--Further debate on Budget.
+
+_Thursday._--Chancellor of Exchequer admittedly allured by what he
+describes as "attractive features" of proposal to raise fresh revenue.
+It is simply the levying of a special tax on all persons using titles.
+
+Idea not absolutely new. Principle established in case of citizens
+displaying crest or coat-of-arms. What is novel is suggested method of
+taxation. Differing from the dog-tax, levied at a common rate, it is
+proposed that our old nobility shall, in this fresh recognition of their
+lofty estate, be dealt with on a sliding scale. A duke will have his
+pre-eminence recognised by an exceptionally high rate of taxation.
+Marquises, earls and a' that will be mulct on a descending scale, till
+the lowly knight is reached. He will be compensated for comparative
+obscurity in the glittering throng by being let off for a nominal sum.
+
+Chancellor fears it is too late to adopt proposal this year, a way of
+putting it which seems to suggest that we may hear more of it in next
+year's Budget.
+
+_Business done._--Hayes Fisher's Amendment to Budget Bill negatived by
+303 votes to 265. Reduction of Ministerial majority to 38 hailed with
+boisterous burst of cheers and counter-cheers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Garden City Washing-day.
+
+Our sensitive artist insists on a harmonious colour-scheme.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Lord Mayor (on hearing a certain Peel): "Turn again (in your grave),
+Whittington."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+New song for old Cantabs.:--
+
+"O. B., what can the mate be?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUS IN URBE.
+
+No, this is not the Russian ballet. It is the English Folk Dance
+Society, and their performances at the Royal Horticultural Hall at
+Westminster the other day showed that the Russian ballet is not to have
+things all its own way. I am not going to moralise upon the salacious
+quality of some of the themes of our exotic visitors, but certainly it
+would be difficult to find a stronger contrast to their ruling passion
+than is presented by the purity and simplicity of these country dances.
+
+"Sellinger's Bound," danced to an air that lulled _Titania_ to sleep all
+through the winter at the Savoy, was the most popular, with its ring of
+a dozen dancers, hands joined, running together into the centre of their
+circle, as if to honour some imaginary deity--possibly Mr. Cecil Sharp,
+director of the Society, who has collected and revived the airs to which
+they dance.
+
+Then there were the Morris-dances, "Shepherd's Hey" (with nothing about
+a "nonny-nonny" in it), and "Haste to the Wedding." There might perhaps
+be a greater propriety in the latter if it were confined to men; but at
+least it raised no apprehension that anybody was going to "repent at
+leisure." In the "Flamborough Sword" dance, the men (with no Amazon
+assistance) raced through the figure and out again, eight of them, armed
+with bloodless wooden swords--a finely ordered riot.
+
+"Lady's Pleasure," a Morris-jig for two men, lays hold of you at the
+first bar, and again with a fresh grip and a tighter as the music slows
+up for the dancers to do their "capers"--all to the music of Mr. Cecil
+Sharp at the piano and Miss Avril at the fiddle.
+
+The object of The English Folk Dance Society is to teach rather than to
+perform in public. Hence the rarity of their displays, and the better
+reason why we should seize, when they come, our chances of assisting at
+these delightful exhibitions of an art whose revival has done so much to
+restore to the countryside the unpretentious joys that gave its name to
+Merrie England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was the time when Henry III. was batting with Simon de
+    Montfort and his Barons"--_Straits Times._
+
+But not at Lord's, which has only just celebrated its centenary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREAT ECONOMY EFFECTED BY CO-OPERATION IN ADVERTISEMENT.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MILITANTS' TARIFF.
+
+_Etna Lodge, W._
+
+Mrs. Bangham Smasher, having entered into partnership with the Misses
+Burnham Blazer, as General Agents of Destruction, begs to inform the
+public that the firm will prepared to execute commissions of all kinds,
+at the shortest notice, on the very moderate terms given below:--
+
+                                                L   s.  _d_.
+
+For breaking windows, per window                   0   7   6
+For howling, kicking, or biting during service
+in church, per howl, kick, or bite                 0  10   6
+For sitting on doorsteps of obnoxious persons,
+per hour, if fine                                  0  15   0
+For sitting on doorsteps of obnoxious persons,
+per hour, if wet                                   1   1   0
+For damaging golf greens, per green                1  11   6
+For throwing shoes at magistrates in court,
+according to size and weight of shoe,
+from                                               2   2   0
+For beating officials connected with gaols         3   3   0
+For slashing and hacking valuable pictures,
+from                                               7   7   0
+For bombs not intended to explode                  8   8   0
+For burning down a house, according to value
+and social position of owner, from                10   0   0
+For insulting exalted Personages, per insult      10  10   0
+For burning down a modern red-brick
+church                                            15  15   0
+For burning down a specially valuable and
+interesting ancient one (eleventh and
+twelfth centuries extra)                          21   0   0
+For bombs warranted to destroy an ordinary
+church.                                           30   0   0
+For bombs suited to wreck really superior
+Buildings, such as Westminster Abbey
+and St. Paul's                                    50   0   0
+For disturbing public meetings and the
+general harassing and annoyance of all
+peaceable and decent people                       No charge.
+
+Bangham Smasher, Burnham Blazer & Co. beg to assume their patrons that
+all the choppers, hammers, bombs, stones, etc., employed in their
+business are of the very best quality, and only refined paraffin and wax
+matches will be used in burning down any building.
+
+Being in a position to offer such exceptional advantages they trust to
+receive a large measure of support in their elevating and enlightening
+work.
+
+If none of the above is found suitable to the needs of intending
+clients, a further list of assorted outrages will be supplied on
+application.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE'S LOGIC.
+
+  My happiness is in another's keeping,
+    My heart delivered to a maiden's care,
+  And she can cast it down or set it leaping
+    (The latter process is extremely rare);
+  Ah, would that love indeed had made me blind,
+  That I might put her image out of mind!
+
+  Yet if I looked at her with eyes unseeing
+    Her voice and laughter would not pass unheard;
+  I should not be a reasonable being,
+    I still should tremble at her lightest word;
+  How could I then gain freedom from the spell
+  Unless I turned completely deaf as well?
+
+  So, blind and deaf, I might perhaps recover
+    A partial peace of mind, but all in vain,
+  For memories pursue the luckless lover,
+    And only death can ease him of his pain.
+  Thus, having proved that I were better dead,
+  I think I'll go and talk to her instead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BALM FOR THE BRAINLESS.
+
+    ["If one man has more brains than another, which enable him to
+    outstrip his fellows, is not that good fortune? What had he got
+    to do with it? If your brain is a bad one, it is not your
+    responsibility. If your brain is a good one it is not your
+    merit. Some men have greater physical, mental, moral strength
+    than others that enables them to win in the race. That is their
+    good fortune and they ought to be grateful for it; and the one
+    way they can best show their gratitude is by helping those who
+    are less fortunate than themselves. Men endowed with any, or
+    most, or all of these fortunate conditions ought not to be
+    stingy in helping others who have not been so fortunate as
+    themselves."--Mr. _Lloyd George at Denmark Hill, June 30_.]
+
+As a result of Mr. Lloyd George's vivid and convincing pronouncement on
+the responsibilities of the fortunate, we have been deluged with appeals
+from all sorts and conditions of unlucky correspondents. We select the
+following from among the most deserving cases in the hope that our
+opulent readers may avail themselves of the chances thus offered of
+redressing the partiality of fortune.
+
+The Cry of the Cracksman.
+
+_The Sanctuary, Crookhaven._
+
+Sir,--Endowed by nature with an imperfect moral sense and a complete
+inability to discriminate between _meum_ and _tuum_, I was irresistibly
+impelled at an early age to adopt the precarious profession of
+housebreaker. I have just served a sentence of three years, and was on
+the point of resuming my career when I read Mr. Lloyd George's
+epoch-making speech at Denmark Hill, in which he clearly defines the
+duty of the State to redress the inequalities of moral as well as
+material endowment by which so large a proportion of the community is
+penalised. I am the master of a fine literary style and admirably suited
+to discharge any secretarial duties, but it is only right that I should
+clearly explain at the outset that it is no use offering me any post
+unless it is so well salaried that I should never feel it was worth
+while to explore or appropriate the contents of my employer's safe.
+
+Respectfully yours,
+
+Raphael Bunny.
+
+
+The Luck of the Law.
+
+_Railway Carriage Bungalow,
+
+Shoreham, Sussex._
+
+Sir,--It is precisely thirty years since I was called to the Bar, and
+several of my contemporaries have already been elevated to the Bench,
+while Sir John Simon, who is considerably my junior, is in the receipt
+of a salary probably double that drawn by an ordinary Judge. My earnings
+for the last ten years have exempted me from income-tax, but this is but
+a poor consolation when I consider that were it not for the caprice of
+fortune I should probably be returning L400 or L500 a year to the
+Exchequer in super-tax. But not only have I been badly treated in regard
+to mental equipment; I have been further handicapped by hereditary
+conscientious objection to pay any bills. An annuity of L500 a year, or
+only one-tenth of the salary of a Judge, is the minimum that my
+self-respect will allow me to accept in payment of the State's
+long-standing debt to
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+William Weir.
+
+
+The Cruelty of Competition.
+
+Sir,--I confidently appeal for your support in the application for a
+grant which I am forwarding to the Prime Minister. My son, aged 14, has
+failed to win an entrance scholarship at Winchester and Charterhouse,
+not from any fault of his own, but simply owing to the unfair
+competition of other candidates more liberally endowed with brains. At a
+modest estimate I calculate that the extra drain on my resources for the
+next eight years in consequence of this undeserved hardship will amount
+to at least L600, which I can ill afford owing to unfortunate
+speculations in Patagonian ruby mines--another example of that bad luck
+which, in the noble words of the Chancellor Of the Exchequer, it is the
+privilege of the prosperous to remedy.
+
+I am, Sir, yours expectantly,
+
+(Rev.) J. Stonor Brooke.
+
+
+_Vis inertiae._
+
+_Lotus Lodge, Limpsfield._
+
+Sir,--A victim since birth to congenital lassitude, which has rendered
+all labour, whether manual or mental, distasteful, nay, intolerable to
+me, I find myself at the age of 41 so out of touch with the spirit of
+strenuous effort which has invaded every corner of our national life
+that I am anxious to confer on the State or, failing that, some
+meritorious millionaire the privilege of providing for my modest needs.
+A snug sinecure with a commodious residence and a good car--cheap
+American motors are of course barred--represent the indispensable
+minimum.
+
+I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
+
+Everleigh Slack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some day, says the President of the Aero Club, we shall be able to go
+into a shop and buy a pair of wings. But we can do that already; the
+only difficulty is to fly with them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Gentleman, middle aged, would be glad of a few correspondents
+    (40 to 60)."
+
+    _T. P.'s Weekly._
+
+Too Many.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SILENT CHARMER.
+
+    [Speaking of flowers a contemporary recently remarked:--"These
+    careless-looking creatures filling the air with delight, robbing
+    tired brains of tiredness, are a delicate texture of coloured
+    effort that has prevailed out of a thousand chances, aided in
+    all that effort by man. Without man they would be but weeds--a
+    profusion of Nature's quantity."]
+
+  My dearest Thomas, I would not
+    Deny the fact that you are clever;
+  You've taught Dame Nature what is what
+    At horticultural endeavour
+  (She has not got that useful thing,
+  The shilling book of gardening).
+
+  She has her merits, but, of course,
+    Her wild attempts won't stand comparing
+  With such a floral _tour de force_
+    As that geranium you are wearing;
+  Yon chosen emblem of your skill
+  Must surely make her wilder still.
+
+  But give me Nature; when we meet
+    She does not prattle of her posies,
+  Dull facts of what begonias eat,
+    The dietetic fads of roses,
+  And how she strove with spade and spud.
+  Or nipped the green fly on the bud.
+
+  'Tis she that really soothes the brain,
+    Spreading her weeds in bright profusion,
+  And never troubling to explain
+    How much they owe to her collusion,
+  While, Thomas, _your_ achievements seem
+  To be your one and only theme.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. J. C. Parke, writing in _The Strand Magazine_ on the best way to
+beat Wilding, says:--
+
+    "Personally, after close observation and from playing against
+    him, I would suggest a determined attack on the champion's
+    forehead from the base-line."
+
+That ought to learn him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "His Majesty has been pleased to confer the dignity of an
+    Earldom of the United Kingdom upon Field-Marshal the Viscount
+    Kitchener of Khartoum, P.G.C., B.O.M.G.C., S.I.G.C.M.,
+    G.G.C.I.E."
+
+_Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+The old orders change, yielding place to new.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a magazine cover:--
+
+    "This magazine has been the turning point in many a man's
+    career. Spend twopence and half-an-hour on it.... Price
+    Threepence."
+
+We would rather pay the threepence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In our report of the wedding of Mr. Lee Kwee Law to Miss Chan
+    Siew Cheen we inadvertently left out the following, who also
+    sent presents_:----"--Straits Echo._
+
+And then they inadvertently left them out again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CURE FOR CRICKET.
+
+There is no longer any doubt that golf is threatening the supremacy of
+our national game. Judged by the only true standard--the amount of space
+allotted to it in the daily press--it is manifest that the encroachments
+of this insidious pastime have now reached a point where the cricket
+reformer must bestir himself before it is too late. We are convinced
+that so far we have been taking much too narrow a view. The time has
+come to look for light and leading outside the confines of our own Book
+of Rules. There are other games besides cricket. Let us call them to our
+councils.
+
+In the first place a valuable hint may surely be found in the
+development of Rugby football. It is common knowledge what immense
+results have followed the introduction, some twenty years ago, of the
+Four Three-quarter System. No spectator (and we cannot exist without the
+spectator) would ever dream now of returning to the old formation. Very
+well. The same principle can be easily adapted to our requirements in
+the form of the Three Batsmen System. The pitch would become an
+equilateral triangle, and we should suggest that the bowler have the
+option of bowling (from his own corner) at either of the two outlying
+batsmen (at theirs). Lots of interesting developments would follow, as,
+for instance, the institution of a sort of silly-point-short-mid-on in
+the centre of the triangle. (Should he be allowed to wear gloves?)
+
+Golf has also a lesson to teach us. We are all familiar with the huge
+strides that have been made by the introduction of the rubber-cored
+ball. We don't want to plagiarize, although a rubber-cored cricket ball
+is a nice idea. Why not aim at the opposite extreme and try a ball
+"reinforced" with concrete? The tingling of the batsman's fingers which
+might result could be neutralised by the use of a rubber-faced bat. This
+reform would, we believe, have one happy consequence. People wouldn't be
+so keen to play with their legs.
+
+As to lawn tennis--another dangerous rival--we hear a good deal in these
+days about "foot-faults." That seems to show the trend of modern
+thought. If we are to be in the swim we shall have to reconsider our
+no-ball rule. Why not make it a no-ball every time unless the bowler has
+both feet in the air at the moment when the ball leaves his hand? One
+might put up a little hurdle--nothing obtrusive--only a matter of a few
+inches high.
+
+We believe that something might even be done by borrowing from hockey
+the principle of the semi-circle, outside of which a goal may not be
+shot. The whole pitch might be enclosed in a circular crease--which
+would look uncommonly well in Press photographs. (We cannot exist
+without the Press.) No fielder inside the magic circle would be allowed
+to stop the ball with his feet.
+
+Finally there is the case of billiards, not a game that is very closely
+allied to cricket, but one from which much may be learned. How has
+billiards brightened itself? By adopting the great principle of
+"barring" certain strokes. Here we have got on to something really
+valuable. We propose to go one better, and draw up a schedule of the
+different conditions of barring under which matches may be played. It
+will only remain for secretaries, when fixtures are made, to arrange the
+terms by negotiation. In time to come, should we be able to carry our
+point, we shall all be familiar with such announcements as the
+following:--
+
+  Notts. _v._ Surrey. (Cut-barred.)
+  Gentlemen _v._ Players. (L.b.w.-barred.)
+  England _v._ Australia. (Googly-and-yorker-barred.)
+
+We do not pretend to have exhausted the subject, but we have made a
+start. We must look about us. Something may be learned, we firmly
+believe, even from skittles and ping-pong. Our national game cannot
+afford to exclude special features. It should have the best of
+everything.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Are you Mrs. Pilkington-Haycock?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Well, I am, and this is her pew."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Professional Candour.
+
+    "The sermon over, a collection was taken, and hardly a person
+    present did not contribute. Mgr. Benson's sermon went to the
+    hardest heart there. Even the journalists contributed."
+
+    _The Universe._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HERE, THERE AND LONDON LETTER.
+
+_With apologies to "The Westminster_ Gazette."_
+
+The Home of the South Saxons.
+
+Sussex, the county for which Mr. C. B. Fry (who hurt his leg in the
+Lord's centenary match) used to play before he moved to Hampshire, is an
+attractive division of the country to the south of London with a long
+sea border. Mr. Kipling has praised it in some memorable verses, and
+among frequent visitors to its principal town, Brighton, is the
+Chancellor of the Exchequer. The word Sussex is a contraction of South
+Saxon. All will wish the old Oxonian a speedy recovery from his strain.
+
+A Monetary Proverb.
+
+The origin of the old saying, "Penny wise, pound foolish," which has
+come into vogue again in connection with the revised income tax--for who
+can deny that the saving of the penny is wise?--is lost in obscurity;
+but there is no doubt that it is very ancient. Many nations have the
+same proverb in different terms as applied to their own currency. In
+France the coins to which the saying best applies would be the sou and
+the louis; in America, the cent and the dollar; and so forth.
+
+Cordiality before Party.
+
+The circumstance of Mr. Lulu Harcourt's unveiling a memorial to Mr.
+Joseph Chamberlain and Mr. Austen Chamberlain at the Albert Dock
+Hospital is not without precedent. On more than one occasion party
+differences have been similarly forgotten. Thus several golf-players
+contributed to _The Daily Telegraph_ shilling fund in honour of the
+great W. G. Grace some few years ago. Such sinking of private
+shibboleths is a very excellent thing and goes far to show how
+thoroughly sound and healthy English public life really is _au fond_.
+
+The Names of Colleges.
+
+Exeter College, Oxford, which has just celebrated its six hundredth
+anniversary, is not the only college which bears the same name as that
+of a city. Pembroke is another. Keble is, of course, named after the
+hymn-writer and divine; and Balliol, where C. S. C. played the wag so
+divertingly, after Balliol. _A propos_ of Oxford, it is a question
+whether that extremely amusing book, _Verdant Green_, is still much read
+by freshers.
+
+The Author of _The Little Minister._
+
+Sir James Barrie, who is said to have written a revue for production
+this autumn at a West-End Theatre, must not be confounded with the
+French sculptor, Barye, in spite of the similarity of name. Barye is
+famous chiefly for his bronzes of lions; and fortunately, in making his
+studies of these dangerous animals, he escaped the fate which so often
+befalls the trainer of wild beasts whose animals suddenly turn upon him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+The Alien.
+
+Once upon a time a poet was sitting at his desk in his cottage near the
+woods, trying to write.
+
+It was a hot summer day and great fat white clouds were sailing across
+the sky. He knew that he ought to be out, but still he sat on, pen in
+hand, trying to write.
+
+Suddenly, among all the other sounds of busy urgent life that were
+filling the warm sweet air, he heard the new and unaccustomed song of a
+bird. At least not new and not unaccustomed, but new and unaccustomed
+there, in this sylvan retreat. The notes poured out, now shrill, now
+mellow, now bubbling like musical water, but always rich with the joy of
+life, the fulness of happiness. Where had he heard it before? What bird
+could it be?
+
+Suddenly the poet's housekeeper hurried in. "Oh, Sir," she exclaimed,
+"isn't it a pity? Someone's canary has got free, and it's singing out
+here something beautiful."
+
+"Of course," said the poet--"a canary;" and he hastened out to see it.
+But before he could get there the bird had flown to a clump of elms a
+little way off, from which proceeded sweeter and more tumultuously
+exultant song than they had ever known.
+
+The poet walked to the elms with his field-glasses, and after a while he
+discerned among the million leaves, the little yellow bird, with its
+throat trembling with rapture.
+
+But the poet and his housekeeper were not the only creatures who had
+heard the strange melody.
+
+"I say," said one sparrow to another, "did you hear that?"
+
+"What?" inquired the other sparrow, who was busy collecting food for a
+very greedy family.
+
+"Why, listen," said the first sparrow.
+
+"Bless my soul," said the second. "I never heard that before."
+
+"That's a strange bird," said the first sparrow; "I've seen it. It's all
+yellow."
+
+"All yellow?" said the other. "What awful cheek!"
+
+"Yes, isn't it?" replied the first sparrow. "Can you understand what it
+says?"
+
+"Not a note," said the second. "Another of those foreigners, I suppose.
+We shan't have a tree to call our own soon."
+
+"That's so," said the first. "There's no end to them. Nightingales are
+bad enough, grumbling all night, and swallows, although there's not so
+many of them this year as usual; but when it comes to yellow
+birds--well."
+
+"Hullo," said a passing tit, "what's the trouble now?"
+
+"Listen," said the sparrows.
+
+The tit was all attention for a minute while the gay triumphant song
+went on.
+
+"Well," he said, "that's a rum go. That's new, that is. Novel, I call
+it. What is it?"
+
+"It's a yellow foreigner," said the sparrows.
+
+"What's to be done with it?" the tit asked.
+
+"There's only one thing for self-respecting British birds to do," said
+the first sparrow. "Stop it. Teach it a lesson."
+
+"Absolutely," said the tit. "I'll go and find some others."
+
+"Yes, so will we," said the sparrows; and off they all flew, full of
+righteous purpose.
+
+Meanwhile the canary sang on and on, and the poet at the foot of the
+tree listened with delight.
+
+Suddenly, however, he was conscious of a new sound--a noisy chirping and
+harsh squeaking which seemed to fill the air, and a great cloud of small
+angry birds assailed the tree. For a while the uproar was immense, and
+the song ceased; and then, out of the heart of the tumult, pursued
+almost to the ground where the poet stood, fell the body of a little
+yellow bird, pecked to death by a thousand avenging furies.
+
+Seeing the poet they made off in a pack, still shrilling and squawking,
+but conscious of the highest rectitude.
+
+The poet picked up the poor mutilated body. It was still warm and it
+twitched a little, but never could its life and music return.
+
+While he stood thoughtfully there an old woman, holding an open cage and
+followed by half-a-dozen children, hobbled along the path.
+
+"My canary got away," she said. "Have you seen it? It flew in this
+direction."
+
+"I'm afraid I have seen it," said the poet, and he opened his hand.
+
+"My little pet!" said the old woman. "It sang so beautifully, and it
+used to feed from my fingers. My little pet."
+
+The poet returned to his work. "'In tooth and claw,'" he muttered to
+himself, "'In tooth and claw.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW TO UTILISE THE ART OF "SUGGESTION."
+
+The Doctor, six down at the turn, "suggests" to his opponent that they
+are playing croquet, and wins by two and one.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerics._)
+
+_Tents of a Night_ (Smith, Elder) is a quite ordinary story, about
+entirely commonplace persons, which has however an original twist in it.
+I never met a story that conveyed so vividly the nastiness of a summer
+holiday that isn't nice. The holiday was in Brittany, just the common
+round, Cherbourg, Coutances, Mont St. Michel, and the rest of it; and
+the holiday-makers were _Mr._ and _Mrs. Hepburn_, their niece _Anne_,
+and a rather pleasant flapper named _Barbara_ whom they had taken in
+charge. _Anne_ is the heroine and central character of the holiday; and
+certainly whatever discomforts it contained she seems to have done her
+successful best to add to. "This is a beastly place!" was her written
+comment upon St. Michel; and it was typical of her attitude throughout.
+Of course the real trouble with _Anne_ was something deeper than drains
+or crowded hotels or the smell of too many omelettes: she was in love.
+Apparently she was more or less in love with two men, _Dragotin
+Voinovich_ (whose name was a constant worry to _Anne's_ aunt, and I am
+bound to say that I share her feelings about it) and _Jimmy Fordyce_, a
+pleasant young Englishman who pulls the girls out of quicksands and
+makes himself generally agreeable. In the end, however--but on second
+thoughts the end, emotionally speaking, of _Anne_ is just what I shall
+not tell you, as it is precisely the thing that redeems the book from
+being commonplace. This you will enjoy; and also those remarkably real
+descriptions of various plage-hotels in August, the noise, the crowds,
+the long hot meals, the sunshine and constant wind, the sand on the
+staircase, and the general atmosphere of wet bathing-gowns--all these
+are a luxurious delight to read about in a comfortable English room.
+Miss Mary Findlater evidently knows them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dippers who have given a new meaning to the classical motto, _Respice
+finem_, are so common amongst novel readers that Patricia Wentworth will
+only have herself to thank if many who are unfamiliar with her work fail
+to do justice to a book nine-tenths of which is thoroughly interesting
+and excellently well-written. As a boy, the hero of _Simon Heriot_
+(Melrose) is misunderstood, and although _Mr. Martin_, his step-father,
+is a somewhat stagey specimen of the heavy and vulgar papa, the child's
+emotions (as, for instance, when he pretends that the storm of his
+parent's wrath is the ordeal of the Inquisition or some far-away battle
+of paladins in which he is contending) are finely conceived, and many of
+the later passages in _Simon's_ life--his unhappy love affair with _Maud
+Courtney_, his relations with his grandmother and with _William
+Forster_, the schoolmaster--are quite engrossing and give occasion for
+memorable sketches of character. It is when the natural end of the story
+is reached, and _Simon_ has come into his own and has just been wedded
+to his proper affinity, that the structure seems to me to fall with a
+crash. I might perhaps, though not without reluctance, have pardoned an
+impertinent railway accident which leaves the young man apparently
+crippled for life, but the last chapters, in which he finds spiritual
+comfort and (after the doctors have given up hope) complete anatomical
+readjustment through the ministrations of faith healing, alienated me
+entirely. From the outset the obvious scheme of the novel is to bring
+the hero back happily to the home and, if you will, the rustic church of
+his ancestors; and, though the science of Christian healing may do all
+that its adherents claim for it, it has about as much to do with the
+case of _Simon Heriot_ as the dancing dervishes or the rites of Voodoo.
+
+Demetra Vaka has melted my literary heart. By way of homage to her I eat
+the dust and recant all the hard and bitter things I said and thought in
+my youth concerning Ancient Greece; especially I apologise, on behalf of
+myself and my pedagogues, for after regarding its language as a dead
+one. _A Child of the Orient_ (Lane) has taught me better, though the
+last object the author appears to have in view is to educate. This
+"Greek girl brought up in a Turkish household" writes to amuse,
+entertain and charm, and her success is abundant. Whether it is
+attributable to the romantic particulars of the Turkish household or to
+the ingenuous personality of the Greek girl, I hesitate to say, since
+both are so captivating; but this I know, that, considered as
+descriptive sketches or personal episodes, each of the twenty-two
+chapters is a separate delight. For the ready writer material is not
+wanting in the Near East; a fine theme is provided in the national
+ambition of the Greek, who cannot forget his glorious past and be
+content with his less conspicuous present. As for the love interest, who
+should supply this better than the Turk? In these days of
+cosmopolitanism there are bound to be romantic complications in the
+lives of a polygamous people situate in a monogamous continent. By way
+of postscript the authoress travels abroad and deals with alien matters;
+her impression, I gather, is that if her ancestors of classical times
+could see our world of to-day and express an opinion upon it the best of
+their praise would be reserved for the fact of the British Empire, and
+the worst of their abuse be spent upon what is known as American humour.
+I am so constituted that I cannot but be prejudiced in favour of a
+writer gifted with so profound a judgment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The creatrix of _Pam_ must look to her laurels. Slovenliness is the
+aptest word to apply to the workmanship of _Maria_ (Hutchinson), the
+latest heroine of the Baroness Von Hutten. _Maria_ has the air of having
+been contracted for, while that fastidious overseer who lurks at the
+elbow of every honest craftsman, condemning this or that phrase,
+readjusting the other faulty piece of construction, has frankly
+abandoned the contractor. _Maria_ was the daughter of an artist cadger
+(name of _Drello_), friend of the great and seller of their autograph
+letters, whereby he was astute enough to make a comfortable living.
+_Maria_ had a dull brother named _Laertes_, who accidentally met a
+highness, who fell very abruptly in love with _Maria_ and made her
+strictly dishonourable proposals. _Maria_ drew herself up, compelled him
+to apologise and go away, until the nineteenth chapter, when she made
+similar proposals to the highness, now a duly and unhappily married
+_King of Sarmania_. But she is saved by the chivalrous love-lorn dwarf,
+_Tomsk_, who, with the irascible singing-master _Sulzer_, is responsible
+for the chief elements of vitality in this rather suburban romance. And
+I found myself never believing in _Maria's_ wondrous beauty and quite
+sharing _Sulzer's_ poor opinion of her singing. But this of course was
+mere prejudice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Grizel Married_ (Mills and Boon) Mrs. George de Horne Vaizey
+exhibits the highest-handed method of treating Romance that ever I met.
+For consider the situation to be resolved. _Dane Peignton_ was engaged
+to _Teresa_, but in love with _Lady Cassandra Raynor_, whose husband, I
+regret to add, was still alive. _Dane_ and _Cassandra_ had never told
+their love, and concealment might have continued to prey on their damask
+cheeks, if Mrs. Vaizey had not (very naturally), wished to give us a big
+emotional scene of avowal. It is the way in which this is done that
+compels my homage. Off go the characters on a picnic, obviously big with
+fate. _Teresa_ goes, and _Dane_ and _Cassandra_, the fourth being
+_Grizel_, whom you may recall pleasantly from an earlier book; but,
+though she fills the title _role_ in this one, she has little to do with
+its development. Of course I saw that something tragic was going to
+happen to somebody on that picnic--cliffs or tides or mad bulls or
+something. But I don't suppose that in twenty guesses you could get at
+the actual instrument of destiny. _Cassandra_ chokes over a fish-bone!
+That's what I meant about Mrs. Vaizey's courage. And the reward of it is
+that, after your first moment of incredulity, the fish-bone isn't in the
+least bit absurd. Poor _Cassandra_ comes quite near to expiring of it;
+and _Dane_, having thumped and battered her into safety, sobs out his
+wild and whirling passion, while _Grizel_ and poor _Teresa_ have just to
+sit about and listen. It really is rather a striking and original
+climax; incidentally it is far the best scene in an otherwise not very
+brilliant tale. But, having attended that picnic, I shall be astonished
+if you don't, want to go on to the end and see how it all straightens
+out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Bargain Two-seater, with most of the accessories; only
+done fifty miles; water-cooled-engine; owner giving up driving.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At 9.30 o'clock, as the fog lifted somewhat, the rescuing
+    steamer Lyonnesse had sighted the Gothland, fast on the rocks,
+    with a bad list to starboard, and apparently partly filled with
+    pater."
+
+    _Daily Chronicle._
+
+"Our Special Correspondent's" father seems to be a big man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "While the class watches, the teacher pronounces all the words.
+    Then the whole class pronounces them while the teacher points,
+    skipping around."--_Hawaii Educational Review._
+
+A pretty scene, if the teacher is a man of graceful movements.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, July
+1, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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