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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+April 12, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, April 12, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: December 5, 2007 [EBook #23746]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jane Hyland, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150.
+
+APRIL 12, 1916
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Junior Sub._ "THE COLONEL SAYS WILL YOU DISMISS THE PARADE, SIR?"
+_Newly-mounted Captain._ "CONFOUND IT! DO IT YOURSELF, SMITH. I'M BUSY
+RIDING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+We are in a position to state that the efficiency of Germany's new
+submersible Zeppelins has been greatly exaggerated.
+
+       ***
+
+Many schemes for coping with our £2,100,000,000 War indebtedness are
+before the authorities, and at least one dear old lady has written
+suggesting that they should hold a bazaar.
+
+       ***
+
+It is stated that the monkey market at Constantinople, which for
+hundreds of years has supplied the baboons found in Turkish harems, has
+closed down. German competition is said to be responsible for the
+incident.
+
+       ***
+
+The Government's indifference to the balloon type of aircraft has
+received a further illustration. They have rejected Highgate's fat
+conscript.
+
+       ***
+
+German scientists are now making explosives out of heather. Fortunately
+the secret of making Highlanders out of the same material still remains
+in our hands.
+
+       ***
+
+Deference to one's superiors in rank is all very well up to a point, but
+we should never go so far as to allow an article by a titled
+war-correspondent to be headed "The Great Offensive at Verdun."
+
+       ***
+
+British songsters, says a writer in _The Daily Chronicle_, are now being
+illegally used to regale the wealthy gourmets of the West End in place
+of the foreign varieties, which can no longer be imported. For
+ourselves, who are nothing if not British, we are glad of any sign that
+native musicians are coming by their own.
+
+       ***
+
+The practice of interning travellers in Tube and other stations during
+the progress of Zeppelin raids on the North-East Coast having become
+extremely popular, it is suggested that some much-needed revenue might
+be obtained by imposing a small tax--a penny, say, per hour--upon those
+who thus enjoy the protection and hospitality of our railways.
+
+       ***
+
+It is officially announced that Oxford is to have no more Rhodes
+Kolossals.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord ROBERT CECIL admitted in Parliament last week that the contraband
+list is to be enlarged, and it is rumoured that, notwithstanding the
+serious effect the step may have in the United States and elsewhere, the
+list will be extended to include munitions of war.
+
+       ***
+
+A prominent City barber points out to an _Evening News_ correspondent
+that it would be most unfortunate if the high cost of shaves should
+result in a discontinuance of the practice of tipping the operator, and
+adds that only two of the services have increased in price. He means, of
+course, to draw attention to the fact that sporting chatter, dislocation
+of the neck, and the removal of superfluous portions of the ears are
+still provided free of charge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Anti-Climax.
+
+From a _feuilleton_ (showing what our serial fictionists have to put up
+with):--
+
+    "'To-morrow?' repeated Rosalie, dully. 'I'm afraid I can't
+    to-morrow.'
+
+    To-morrow----!
+
+    There will be another fine instalment to-morrow."--_Daily
+    Mirror._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OF COCOA
+
+AND CERTAIN OLD ASSOCIATIONS REVIVED BY A DRAUGHT OF THIS NUTRITIOUS
+BEAN.
+
+["The rate on cocoa is raised from 1-1/2_d._ to 6_d._ per lb." (Loud
+cheers).
+
+_The CHANCELLOR'S Budget Speech._]
+
+  Now, ere the price thereof goes soaring up,
+    Ere yet the devastating tax comes in,
+  I wish to wallow in the temperate cup
+    (Loud cheers) that not inebriates, like gin;
+  Ho, waiter! bring me--nay, I do not jest--
+        A cocoa of the best!
+
+  Noblest of all non-alcoholic brews,
+    Rich nectar of the Nonconformist Press,
+  Tasting of CADBURY and _The Daily News_,
+    Of passive martyrs and the law's distress,
+  And redolent of the old narcotic spice
+        Of peace-at-any-price--
+
+  What memories, how intolerably sweet,
+    Hover about its fat and unctuous fumes!
+  Of Little England and a half-baked Fleet,
+    Of German friendship pure as vernal blooms,
+  And that dear country's hallowed right to dump
+        Things on us in the lump;
+
+  Of tropic isles whereon this beverage springs,
+    And niggers sweating out their pagan souls;
+  Of British workmen, flattered even as kings,
+    So to secure their suffrage at the polls;
+  Of liberty for all to go on strike
+        Just when and where they like.
+
+  I would renew these wistful dreams to-night;
+    For, since upon my precious nibs, when ground,
+  McKENNA's minions, with to-morrow's light,
+    Will plant a tax of sixpence in the pound,
+  My sacred memories, cheap enough before,
+        Will clearly cost me more.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SCRAP OF PAPER.
+
+I look all right, and I feel all right, but the doctor said the Army was
+no place for me. Having given me a piece of paper which said so, he
+looked over my head and called out, "Next, please." It was with this
+document I was going to produce a delicious thrill--what I might call an
+"electric" moment. I carefully rehearsed what should happen, though I
+was not quite sure what attitude to adopt--whether to give the
+impression that I was a member of a pacific society, look elaborately
+unconcerned or truculently youthful. This, I decided, had better be left
+to the psychological moment.
+
+I would take my seat or strap in the crowded tram or train. Observing
+that I wore neither khaki nor armlet someone would want to know why "a
+big, strong, healthy-looking fellow like you was not in the Army." I
+should then try to look pacific or elaborately--see above again. But I
+should say nothing. My studied silence would annoy everybody. I was
+quite sure of this, because I really can do that sort of silence very
+well. The inevitable old woman with a bundle would fix me with her
+watery eye. "The man in the street," who, of course, would now be in the
+tram or train, would give a brief history of his three sons and one
+brother-in-law at the Front. The armleted conductor (we are now in the
+tram) would give my ticket a very rude punch and my penny a very angry
+stare. When I was quite sure I had been set down as a slacker, I should
+produce the doctor's certificate of exemption. In my ultra-polite
+manner, which is nearly as good as my annoying silence, I should hand it
+to the man whose three sons and one brother-in-law had evidently been
+writing for more cigarettes. I would then say, "I know you can talk. It
+is possible you can read. Would you be good enough to read aloud this
+certificate?" It would be read and then handed back to me. I would fold
+it carefully and place it in my inside pocket. Looking very tenderly at
+the long row of rebuked countenances, I should get up and make for the
+door. This would be the delicious thrill, the electric moment. The
+following is what _did_ happen.
+
+I was on the Tube. Conditions were favourable, as Sir OLIVER LODGE would
+say to Mrs. PIPER. The old woman with the bundle was not there, but the
+shop-girl with three regimental brooches was. Everything was going as
+well as I could have wished. The shop-girl closed her novel and fingered
+her brooches. A fat old gentleman sniffed vigorously, and someone asked
+why "a big, strong, healthy, etc., etc." Nobody seemed to be impressed
+by my splendid silence, but it was there all the same, and somebody was
+going to be very sorry before he got home. I touched my tie and lit a
+fresh cigarette. The air was tense. I could almost see my electric
+moment walking down the compartment to meet me. We were nearing a
+station. I felt in my pocket.
+
+I had left the certificate at home!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOME HELPS FOR NON-COMBATANTS.
+
+THE ARMY AND NAVY EXEMPTIONS SUPPLY ASSOCIATION, LIMITED, offer
+facilities for the evasion of military service.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ladies supplied to act as Widowed Stepmothers to young Slackers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Gentlemen not desirous of serving should inspect one of our Bijou
+Residences. Bath (h. and c.); rent inclusive. District enjoys best water
+supply and most lenient Exemption Tribunal in the Home Counties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Persons requiring the Loan of Children may obtain these useful aids to
+exemption in lots of not less than half-a-dozen (mixed), by the day,
+week, or month, as desired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLAT FOOT IN TWELVE DAYS! A GENUINE DISCOVERY.
+
+Gentlemen wishing to acquire this useful impediment may do so with
+secrecy and despatch on application (with fee). No _permanent_
+disability need be feared, a certain cure being guaranteed within one
+calendar month after date of signing peace, upon payment of a further
+fee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEARN TO FAINT.
+
+One Correspondence Course will teach you this useful art in two and a
+half lessons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Do you want not to go to the Front? Then try our LITTLE WHITE LIVER
+PILLS and you will never have another worry. _Dose:_ One, once. Sold
+everywhere.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO LOOK OLD. A USEFUL WRINKLE.
+
+No more worry. No matter _how_ youthful your appearance, in TEN MINUTES
+we can make you look
+
+  AS GREY AS GRANDPA.
+
+Call and inspect our appliances. They will convince you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Are you a MAN OF GENIUS? And young? And in perfect health? We will see
+that you are saved for your country. In the words of one of our exempted
+clients:--
+
+  "For why should youth aglow with gifts divine
+  Be driven forth to glut the foreign swine?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GRAPES OF VERDUN.
+
+THE OLD FOX. "YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING MUCH NEARER THEM."
+
+THE CUB. "NO, FATHER. HADN'T WE BETTER GIVE IT OUT THAT THEY'RE SOUR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _His Fiancée._ "HE HAD VERY BAD LUCK. HE WAS KNOCKED OVER
+BY A RICOCHET."
+
+_Her Aunt._ "REALLY? I DIDN'T KNOW THE GERMANS HAD ANY NATIVE TROOPS
+FIGHTING FOR THEM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+XXXVII.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--This letter is written in England, but the reason for
+my presence here is not to be dismissed in a breath or mentioned first
+anyhow. It is to be led up to gradually, the music being stopped and the
+audience being asked to refrain from shuffling their feet about and
+coughing when we come to the critical moment.
+
+Reviewing my military career, I do not look upon myself as great; I look
+upon myself rather as very great. Even at the beginning of it I had a
+distinct way with me. I would say to fifty men, "Form fours," and sure
+enough they would form them. I would then rearrange my ideas and say,
+"Form two-deep," and there, in the twinkling of an eye, was your two
+deep. This is not common, I think; it was just something in me, some
+peculiar gift for which I was not responsible. So pleasing was the
+effect that I would sometimes go on repeating the process for ten
+minutes or so, and every time it fell out exactly as I said it would, no
+one ever daring to suggest that the sooner I settled down to a definite
+policy, whether in fours or twos, the sooner the War would end.
+
+For six months I continued performing this difficult and dangerous work,
+only once making the mistake of ordering my men to take a left turn and
+myself taking a right one. Fortunately this happened in a local town of
+tortuous by-ways, and so it fell out that I and my platoon only met
+again later in the day; and a most touching meeting it was. Discussing
+the matter afterwards with my C.O., I inclined to the view that it was
+an accident which I, for my part, was quite ready to forgive and forget.
+My C.O. was, however, out of sorts at the moment; in fact he let his
+tongue run away with him. He even proposed to put me on the Barrack
+Square for a month, a suggestion which caused my Adjutant (who was
+interfering as usual) to smile quite unpleasantly. I just looked them
+straight in the face and said nothing. This, I think, was little short
+of masterly on my part, since I knew all the time, and knew that they
+know, that there was in fact no Barrack Square thereabouts to put me on.
+
+After this my men did so extraordinarily well that I became a marked
+man. I was, in fact, invited to step over to France and to give some
+practical demonstrations in the art of making war. To pack a few
+articles into a bag and to parade my men was with me the work of a
+moment. Before starting it was, however, proper to address a pre-battle
+speech to them. Silence was enjoined and I spoke, spoke simply and
+honestly as a great soldier should. "Form fours," said I, and paused
+dramatically. "Form two-deep," I continued, and my meaning was
+understood. "Form fours," I concluded ... and we were ready for the
+worst.
+
+So we moved away for the Field. We did this, I remember, at 5 A.M. Not a
+moment was to be lost. Our train started at noon and we had three miles
+to march to the station. Running it pretty close, wasn't it?
+
+Never shall I forget the anxious faces which greeted our arrival at the
+French port. "Nip up to the trenches," said O.C. megaphone, "and save
+the situation if you can." Up to the trenches we nipped, covering the
+distance of sixty miles in less than three weeks. There was no doubt
+about our willingness and ability to do as we were told; our only
+difficulty was to discover in the dark where the situation was. Never
+shall I forget the tense strain that first night, my men standing to
+arms through the long hours, with their rifles pointing into the
+darkness beyond. But not a shot was fired, and when dawn broke all was
+well. True, the first light revealed the fact that I had got us all with
+our backs to the enemy, so that if there had been a battle it would have
+been between ourselves and Mr. Jones's platoon. But you can't have
+everything; and sense of direction never was my strong point. Never
+shall I forget our first breakfast in the trenches. It consisted of
+bacon and eggs, marmalade and tea. How strange and novel an experience
+it was to be at war!
+
+Never shall I forget.... Now I know there was something else, but there
+are such a lot of things that I am never going to forget about this War
+that I cannot be expected to remember them all. It was something about
+someone not shaving, and being in the rear rank while the front rank was
+being inspected, and in the front rank while the rear rank was being
+inspected. It was by such brilliance of strategy as this that I was able
+to do the Bosch out of that little dinner he meant to have in Paris. It
+was owing to the same, and to my being overheard to remark that I could
+run the blessed War by myself better than this, that I was given a pen
+and a piece of blotting-paper and told to carry on. After which, of
+course, the wretched Bosch never even got as far as Calais.
+
+Truly a remarkable man! But hear the crisis of my career.
+
+This letter is written in England. If you would only read your morning
+paper properly, you would know why. Looking down the Births Column to
+see if anybody you know has been born, you would have noticed that We,
+Henry, are the father of a son, a tall, good-looking fellow, who weighs
+eight, eighteen or eighty pounds (I could not be sure which) and is a
+man of few words, obviously the strong silent sort.
+
+On hearing the news we at once reported our achievement to the Staff and
+asked what we were to do about it. We were informed that, as far as we
+were concerned, the War stood adjourned for eight days. Later, as we
+stood in the street trying to think it all out and to remodel our
+demeanour so as to suggest the responsibility and respectability of a
+father, we were asked severely why we were standing idle, and told that,
+unless we were seen forthwith moving off for England at the double,
+action would be taken. So home, where we were very respectfully saluted
+by the New Draft. A strange but nice woman who had the parade in hand
+invited us to come a little closer, but this we refused to do, giving as
+our reason that we were beginning as we meant to go on and that undue
+familiarity is bad for discipline. We then addressed a few kind words to
+the Lady in the Case, who appeared to take it all very much as a matter
+of course, and with her discussed future dispositions. The Army and the
+Bar were negatived at once; it was suggested (not by us) that we have
+already in our small family an example sufficiently fortunate of both.
+He will be a sailor or a financier. There is something about sailors; it
+is always a pleasure and a pride to take one of them out to dinner in a
+public place, especially if he's your own. On the other hand the
+financier alternative is suggested with a view to the possibility (as
+things tend) that it may be he who has to take us out to dinner.
+
+  Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "WELL, JANE, WHAT SORT OF NEWS HAVE YOU FROM
+YOUR YOUNG MAN AT THE FRONT?"
+
+_Jane._ "FATAL, MUM."
+
+_Mistress._ "DEAR, DEAR! I'M VERY SORRY----"
+
+_Jane._ "YES, MUM. 'E'S BROKE IT OFF, MUM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The fall of rain during February in Exeter amounted to 5.39
+    inches. During the same month 80 hours 58 mins. of sunshine were
+    recorded, being an average of 2 hours 42 mins. per day. The
+    chief tradesmen of the district are responsible for this
+    gratifying result."
+
+    _Express and Echo (Exeter)._
+
+They seem to be easily satisfied down in the West. If London tradesmen
+take to purveying the weather we shall want a little less rain and a
+good deal more sunshine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN PRAISE OF PUSSY.
+
+    [Professor ROBERT WALLACE, of Edinburgh University, has been
+    defending the cat as a useful member of society and a defence
+    against the ravages of plague, and encourages the breeding,
+    collecting and distributing of types of cats known to be
+    "superior ratters."]
+
+  In these days of stress and passion
+  Feline charms are out of fashion,
+    And the cult of Pasht is coldly looked upon;
+  But cat-lovers may take solace
+  From the words of ROBERT WALLACE,
+    Who's a scientific Edinboro' don.
+
+  Cats as lissome merry minxes,
+  Or impenetrable Sphinxes--
+    Leonine, aloof, impassive, topaz-eyed--
+  Leave our staid professor chilly,
+  For he clearly thinks it silly
+    To regard them from the decorative side.
+
+  It is _not_ their grace, now serious,
+  Now malicious, now mysterious,
+    That appeals to his utilitarian mind;
+  But, when viewed as extirpators
+  Of disease-disseminators,
+    Then he looks with admiration on their kind.
+
+  For if cats should ever shun us
+  Rats with plague would overrun us,
+    And they're bad enough on economic grounds;
+  For their annual depredation
+  On the food-stuffs of the nation
+    He would estimate at twenty million pounds.
+
+  True, O Puss, romance is lacking
+  In your latest champion's backing,
+    But at least he isn't talking through his hat;
+  And if, after all, what matters
+  Is to have "superior ratters"--
+    Well, he pays the highest homage to the Cat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEROISM.
+
+There are heroes and heroes. All heroes are heroes: that is certain. But
+there are some heroes whose heroism involves more thought (shall I
+say?), more material, than that of others, who are heroic in a kind of
+rush, without any premeditation--heroic by instinct. Now it seems to me
+that the rewards of the more complex heroes ought--but let me
+illustrate.
+
+I have a friend who is a hero. The other day in France he did one of the
+most desperate things, and did it apparently as a matter of course; and
+he is to have the V.C. for it. But is the V.C. enough'? If it's enough
+for the instinctive heroes, is it enough for him? That is my question.
+The secret history of his deed is known only to me and to himself, and
+when I give you an idea of it you will be able to answer.
+
+I will tell you.
+
+Never mind what the deed was. All I will say is that it is comparable to
+the glorious feat of Lieutenant WARNEFORD, who bombed the Zeppelin from
+above and sent it crashing down. My friend is an aviator too, and since
+I am not allowed to describe his great performance in detail let us
+pretend that it was an exact replica of the WARNEFORD triumph. Armed
+with his bombs he saw the approaching Zepp and flew high, six or seven
+thousand feet, to get above it. So far he had merely obeyed the dictates
+of his brave impulsive nature. He had given no thought to the chances of
+danger or death, but had flown direct to his duty. So far he was
+instinctive. But my friend, as well as being unusually brave, is a
+singularly retiring kind of man. He hates publicity, ostentation. Very
+shy and very quiet, he moves about the world unperceived, and has all
+the reluctances of the anchorite. Nothing but his deep feeling about the
+War could have got him to do anything as prominent as aviation, so that
+it is not unnatural that, as he mounted higher and higher and came
+nearer and nearer to the desired point over the Zepp, he should suddenly
+realise what it would mean for him if he succeeded in bringing it down.
+
+Not that he had too much time for such reflections, for until the
+envelope intervened between him and the Zepp's marksmen he was being
+blazed at steadily. Bullets whistled about him. But one thinks swiftly,
+and in a flash he saw the extremely distasteful consequences to
+humility, and the dislocation of his secluded way of life if, dropping
+his bombs accurately, he earned (as he was bound to do) the Victoria
+Cross. All this he saw, and was properly furious at his bad luck--at the
+trick that destiny had played on him. He then dropped the bombs, the
+envelope ignited, and the Zepp, with its crew and its deadly cargo, fell
+to earth and was blown to atoms.
+
+Now my point is that for such a hero as my friend, whose whole soul is
+to be outraged by publicity and _réclame_, and much of whose dearly
+loved privacy is to be lost for ever, there ought to be a V.C. above and
+beyond the ordinary V.C.--a super V.C.; for he performed not one deed,
+but two: he not only destroyed the Zepp but he surrendered his
+sanctuary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Exhibition of Mr. Punch's War Cartoons is now being held at the
+Leicester Galleries, Leicester Square.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE PRINCE OF ARTILLERYMEN
+
+WHO RECENTLY BROUGHT DOWN A ZEPPELIN.
+
+  When, Gunner, through the breech you passed
+    That wingéd messenger of death,
+  And having made the breech-block fast,
+    With pounding heart and bated breath
+  Drew back the rod of tempered steel
+    That frees the charge and fires the fuse,
+  I would have given much to feel
+    My feet in your distinguished shoes.
+
+  But when your deadly missile burst
+    Right on the rover, checked his speed,
+  And made him rock like one whose thirst
+    Has frankly caused him to exceed,
+  You must have felt as feels a god
+    To whom whole nations bend the knee--
+  Whichever of the dozen odd
+    Disputant gunners you may be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Who can tell but what Rumania's watchful eye will yet sound the
+    bugle note which at the psychological moment will unite the
+    Balkan thrones?"--_Shanghai Mercury._
+
+Rumania seems to have something more than a speaking eye. It even plays
+tunes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a German paper quoted by _The Times_:--
+
+    "The German people fully recognises the nicely retiring manner
+    of the Kaiser during this war."
+
+The Allies are confident that it will receive further recognition before
+long.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In an article entitled "The Superiority of German Strategy" the
+_Frankfurter Zeitung_ says:--
+
+
+    "The road before us is, however, long and calls for great
+    achievements. We are not lacking in strength. Let us wait and
+    see."
+
+Mr. ASQUITH is wondering what this flattery portends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "I have spoken of the good there is in grooves, in the groovy
+    way of life ... Who can be blind to the fact that life in a
+    groove leads to bigotry and nar-grooves, in the groovy way of
+    life?"
+
+    "_Claudius Clear_" in "_The British Weekly._"
+
+Not we. We have never been blind to anything of the sort.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Little Lady, during all these months thoughts entirely with
+    you, treasuring up unbleaching memory of happy hours spent
+    together."--_Advertisement in "The Times._"
+
+Presumably in the wash-house. Unless some confusion arose, in the mind
+of the advertiser, between dying and bleaching.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECONOMY IN DRESS: THE NEW SMARTNESS.
+
+[Illustration: "IT'S LOVELY, BUT I'M AFRAID THIRTY GUINEAS IS TOO MUCH
+FOR ME."
+
+"IT _IS_ A GOOD DEAL, BUT MADAM MUST REMEMBER THIS A GENUINE OLD DRESS.
+WE GUARANTEE IT TO HAVE BEEN IN CONSTANT WEAR FOR AT LEAST FIVE YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY! THAT'S A SMART FROCK, IF YOU LIKE!"
+
+"H'M, YES. BUT IT'S ONLY IMITATION--NOT REAL OLD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I LIKE IT, BUT IT LOOKS DREADFULLY NEW."
+
+"IF YOU FEEL THAT, MADAM, MIGHT I SUGGEST THAT YOU HAVE IT SOILED BY OUR
+SPECIAL PROCESS? WE ONLY CHARGE THREE GUINEAS EXTRA."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "COME ALONG, MABEL. DON'T MAKE YOUR MOUTH WATER LOOKING
+IN THERE. OLD CLOTHES ARE NOT FOR THE LIKES OF US."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "And how did you _know_ when you were
+wounded?"
+
+_Tommy._ "SAW IT IN _THE DAILY MAIL._"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MATCH PLAY.
+
+Since the Budget was produced the match-mendicant is at work more
+industriously than ever, patting his pockets and looking round
+expectantly at his fellow-travellers. The surreptitious filling of
+private boxes in restaurants and club smoke-rooms is rapidly on the
+increase. Yet if men would only meet the proposed match-tax calmly and
+thoughtfully they might still remain honest and independent.
+
+There are too many three-match men. Just as the tennis-player sends down
+the first ball into the net with a fine abandon, and is more careful
+with the second, so the three-match man strikes his first match without
+arresting his progress along the street, only slows down a little with
+the second, and not until the third is in his fingers does he look about
+for a doorway.
+
+If deep doorways and public telephone boxes were put to better use by
+the smokers of England much waste of matches would be avoided.
+
+And why do not men buy their matches in a businesslike way? Every man
+should ask to see them before making a purchase. He should compare the
+brands, take note of the length and thickness of the sticks, examine the
+size and quality of the heads, test the durability of the sides of the
+boxes, compare the numbers in the various boxes, test the breaking
+strain of the matches and the strength of the flares when struck, and
+time with a stop-watch the burning of a certain length of match.
+
+Many matches are ruined and wasted by harsh treatment. Strong men are
+apt to use their strength like giants in striking their matches, with
+the result that the matches break, or their heads are pulled off, or the
+side of the box is irreparably injured. Remember that the striking of a
+match is more of a wrist movement than an arm movement. The man who
+strikes a match straight from the shoulder deserves to lose it; and the
+average match is not made to be struck even from the elbow. Many a man,
+puzzled at his lack of success in striking matches, will find the secret
+of his failure in too vigorous a use of the forearm. The best plan--one
+that is adopted by our leading actors and other experts--is to stand
+firmly with the feet about fourteen inches apart, hold the box between
+the thumb and fingers of the left hand (be careful to avoid the
+unsightly method, which some strikers adopt, of holding it in the palm),
+take the match about one inch and an eighth from the head with the thumb
+and forefinger of the right hand, bend back the right wrist until the
+head of the match is two and a half inches from the end of the box, and
+with a swift but not too sudden wrist-movement away from you rub the
+head of the match against the side of the box. A little careful practice
+will soon get one into the way of judging the distance accurately, so
+that, on the one hand, the box is not missed, and, on the other hand,
+the head of the match is not too severely strafed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Five Zeppelins were seen off the East Coast between nine and
+    ten last night. They appeared to be rather larger machines than
+    those visiting the coast on previous occasions. Measures were
+    taken." _Western Evening Herald._
+
+We always use a simple foot-rule for this purpose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Forty Thousand American inhabitants at Erzram were massacred by
+    the Turks."
+
+    _Zululand Times._
+
+More trouble for President WILSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A WILLING VICTIM.
+
+_JOHN BULL (to CLAUDE DUVAL McKENNA)._ "THIS HAS INDEED BEEN A PLEASANT
+MEETING. YOU'RE QUITE SURE YOU'VE GOT ALL YOU WANT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, April 4th._--When introducing a Budget designed to raise a
+revenue of seventy or eighty millions, Mr. GLADSTONE was wont to speak
+for four or five hours. Mr. McKENNA, confronted with the task of raising
+over five hundred millions, polished off the job in exactly seventy-five
+minutes. Mr. GLADSTONE used to consider it necessary to prepare the way
+for each new impost by an elaborate argument. That was all very well in
+peace-time. But we are at war, when more than ever time is money, and so
+Mr. McKENNA was content to rely upon the imperative formula of the
+gentlemen of the road, "Stand and deliver."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A STUDY IN COMPARATIVE PHYSIOGNOMY. _A Peace Budget._ _A
+War Budget._ MR. GLADSTONE. MR. McKENNA.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For a moment, it is true, he reverted to the old traditions of
+Budget-night. After observing that there was no parallel in history to
+the willingness to be taxed which had been displayed by the British
+people, he declared that it would be a mistake to drive this spirit of
+public sacrifice too hard. The difficulty which many people had in
+maintaining a standard of life suitable to their condition was described
+in such moving terms as to convince some of Mr. McKENNA's more ingenuous
+hearers that the income-tax was not going to be raised after all.
+
+They were quickly disillusionised. The rich will have to contribute
+(with super-tax) close on half their incomes; the comparatively
+well-to-do a fourth; even the class to whose special hardships the
+CHANCELLOR had just made such pathetic allusion will have to pay an
+additional sixpence in the pound. If in the circumstances some of them
+feel inclined to echo _Sir Peter Teazle_'s remark to _Joseph_, "Oh, damn
+your sentiment," I think they may be excused.
+
+That, however, was Mr. McKENNA's only lapse. The rest of his speech was
+ruthlessly and refreshingly practical. The millions were ticked off as
+rapidly, and almost as mechanically, as the two-pences in the other
+taxis. Five millions from cinemas, horse-races, and other amusements,
+three from railway tickets, seven from sugar, two from mineral waters,
+another two from coffee and cocoa (even the great Liberal drink cannot
+escape under a Cocoalition), and nearly a million from motor vehicles.
+
+Forty-five years ago Mr. LOWE proposed to extract "_ex luce lucellum_"
+by putting a tax of a half-penny a box upon matches, and was duly
+punished for his pun. When the matchmakers of the East-end (quite as
+dangerous in their way as those of the West-end) marched in procession
+to the House of Commons, the Government bowed before the storm.
+Undeterred by their fate, Mr. McKENNA now proposes to put a tax of 4_d._
+on every thousand matches, and expects to get two millions out of it.
+But it must not be forgotten that there are substitutes for matches; and
+I should not be surprised if Mr. McKENNA himself has to put up with a
+spill.
+
+Not much criticism was however to be heard to-night, though Mr. WILLIAM
+O'BRIEN gave it as his opinion that Ireland ought to be omitted from the
+Budget altogether. With him was Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, whose principal
+complaint was that the tax on railway tickets would put a premium on
+foreign travel. People would go to Paris instead of Dublin, and
+Switzerland instead of Killarney. Here somebody tactlessly reminded him
+that a war was going on in Europe, and shunted him on to a less
+picturesque line of argument.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Sir George Reid refreshingly cheerful.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Wednesday, April 5th._--Congratulations are due to the Earl of MEATH on
+a long-delayed triumph. For fifteen years he has been trying to convince
+the British Government that there is an institution called Empire Day.
+Throughout the Dominions, May 24th, QUEEN VICTORIA's birthday, is kept
+as a public holiday, and even in the Old Country, despite official
+discouragement, the Union Jack is hoisted on thousands of schools and
+saluted by millions of children. To the suggestion that the public
+offices should be similarly adorned the Government, under the erroneous
+belief that patriotism and militarism were identical, has hitherto
+maintained an unflagging opposition. But to-day Lord CREWE admitted that
+the proposal was reasonable.
+
+Sir GEORGE REID has made the surprising discovery that there are a
+number of excellent speakers in the House of Commons who do not speak,
+but concentrate themselves upon the despatch of business. Perhaps this
+was his genial way of indicating the more obvious fact that there are
+others of a precisely opposite kind. He himself is an excellent speaker
+who speaks; but concentration is perhaps hardly his strongest point, and
+he wandered to-day over so many fields that the CHAIRMAN had more than
+once, with obvious regret, to recall him to the strict path of the
+Finance Bill, which ultimately passed its first reading, amid cheers
+that it would have done the KAISER good to hear.
+
+Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING, having been prevented by the Budget from making
+his usual Tuesday speech, delivered it to-day, and had a success which
+was, I trust, as gratifying to him as it was surprising to the House.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wife._ "DO YOU THINK THE ZEPPELINS WILL COME HERE?"
+_Husband._ "VERY POSSIBLY, I SHOULD SAY."
+_Wife._ "THEN I SHAN'T START THE SPRING CLEANING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the close of his now customary catalogue of the defects he has
+discovered in our air-service, he offered personally to organize raids
+upon the enemy's aircraft headquarters, and ventured to believe that he
+could bag as many Zeppelins in a day as the Government could bring down
+in a year by their present methods of misplaced guns and misplaced
+confidence.
+
+Mr. TENNANT did not think our confidence was misplaced. But he would
+certainly accept Mr. BILLING's offer, and would confer with him as to
+how to make the best use of his services. It seems probable, therefore,
+that for some little time the House will have to do without its weekly
+lecture from the Member for East Herts. Under the shadow of this
+impending bereavement Mr. TENNANT is bearing up as well as can be
+expected.
+
+_Thursday, April 6th._--Everyone was delighted to see the PRIME MINISTER
+back in his place to-day after his three weeks' absence. Members on both
+sides cheered loudly and long as he entered the House. They also
+displayed a gratifying curiosity regarding his views on various
+subjects, and to that end had put down no fewer than thirty-two
+questions for his consideration. The amount of information they received
+was hardly commensurate with the industry displayed in framing them. Mr.
+ASQUITH made, however, one announcement of great moment. The Government
+are now considering how many recruits they have got, and how many they
+still want. They will then announce their decision as to the method to
+be adopted for obtaining more, and will give a day for its discussion.
+This is to be done before Easter. Asked how long the House would adjourn
+for, Mr. ASQUITH replied, with obvious sincerity, "I hope for some
+time."
+
+The great crisis of which we have heard so much in the newspapers is
+thus postponed. But a little crisis, not altogether unconnected with the
+other, had still to be resolved. The Government had a motion down to
+stop the payment of double salaries to Members on service, and to this
+Sir FREDERICK BANBURY had tabled an amendment providing that
+Parliamentary salaries should be dropped altogether. Mr. DUKE and other
+Unionists subsequently put down another amendment, designed to stop the
+discussion of the larger question on the ground that it was a breach of
+the party truce.
+
+The SPEAKER however decided that Sir FREDERICK was entitled to first cut
+at the Banbury cake. He made, as I thought, a very fair and not unduly
+partisan use of his opportunity, arguing that the conditions of
+Parliamentary life had changed since the War, and that as Members were
+no longer called upon to work hard they should save the country a
+quarter-of-a-million by dropping their salaries.
+
+No one, I think, was prepared for the tremendous blast of invective
+which came from Mr. DUKE. In language which seemed to cause some
+trepidation even to the Ministers he was supporting he denounced his
+right hon. friend for introducing "this stale and stinking bone of
+contention," and plainly hinted that it was part of a plot to get rid of
+the PRIME MINISTER. If that eminent temperance advocate, Sir THOMAS
+WHITTAKER, had not poured water into Mr. DUKE's wine, and emptied the
+House in the process, there might have been a painful scene.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"DISRAELI."
+
+Our early-Victorian oligarchs disdained their DISRAELI as a mountebank
+because he wore the wrong waistcoats and had genius instead of
+common-sense. If he had grown to be the least like Mr. LOUIS NAPOLEON
+PARKER'S _Disraeli_, if he had taken to standing over Governors of the
+Bank of England and forcing them to sign documents under threat of
+smashing up their silly old bank, if he had been such a judge of men as
+to have made that prize ass, _Lord Deeford_, his secretary, or conducted
+his _menage_ at Downing Street in the highly diverting manner exhibited
+in Mr. PARKER's second Act, one trembles to think what they would have
+called him--and done to him. And whether, if the Bank had ever had such
+a Governor as _Sir Michael Probert_, England would have ever been in a
+position to buy a single share in the Suez Canal or any other venture,
+is a question for the curious to consider.
+
+No wonder the Americans enjoyed _Disraeli_! REINHARDT should pirate it
+for Berlin, as it would lend some colour to the imaginative Dr.
+HELLFERICH's airy dissertations on English finance. Can it be that our
+author is a hyphenated patriot in disguise and that this is merely a
+ramification of the so thorough German Press Bureau's activities? Perish
+the thought!
+
+At the opening of the play, with _Mr. Disraeli_ and his wife as guests
+at Glastonbury Towers, all went well. The almost uncanny lifelikeness of
+Mr. DENNIS EADIE's make-up, the steady flow of the great man's good
+things, which had been discerningly culled and quite skilfully put
+together, his swift parries and kindly thrusts, his charming tenderness
+towards that best of wives, the shining heroine of the crushed thumb,
+all this was admirable, was eminently believable--that is if you except
+the exaggerated futility and insolence of the aristocratic background.
+It was when the adventuress got going; when casements began to be
+mysteriously unlocked by fair hands, and pretty ears applied to
+key-holes at vital moments of quite improbable disclosures to more than
+improbable young men; when important despatches and secret codes began
+to be left about in conspicuous places, in rooms conveniently vacated
+for notoriously suspect plotters; when the Prime Minister began to
+bounce and prance and to lay booby traps, into which not his enemies but
+his incomparable secretary promptly blundered--it was then that things
+went crooked.
+
+It is perhaps not to be regretted. Nothing is more diverting to the
+perceptive playgoer than these little dramatic-simplicities; as when,
+the great Suez deal having been completed--a fact that it was enormously
+important to conceal from the Press and the country (and the
+adventuress)--a telegram with full details in the plainest of plain
+English is despatched from the local post-office to the great financier
+who had made the deal possible. The charming _naïveté_ of the family
+gathering at the Foreign Office (it might have been Mme. TUSSAUD's) and
+the adorable ingenuousness of the idea of bringing down a great
+international financier by holding up his cargo of bullion in a foreign
+port, should lead no one to complain that high politics are dull.
+
+I wouldn't have missed Mr. DENNIS EADIE's _Disraeli_ for a good deal.
+Where it was at all possible--which it was in general; Mr. PARKER only
+sprinkled his extravagances--the ease and plausibility of it were quite
+admirable. This adroit player gave us the tact, the wit, the gallantry,
+the generosity, the romantic exuberance. It was a fine performance, and
+it will be finer as its firm outline is filled in. The play, for all its
+vagaries, may even serve to remind a careless age of its too lightly
+forgotten spacious dead. Miss MARY JERROLD'S _Lady Beaconsfield_ was, I
+suppose, more in the nature of an imaginary portrait. It was beautiful
+and convincing. As a stage adventuress MME. DORZIAT was most attractive,
+if only she had been credible. She had no business to be in any of the
+situations in which she found herself, and must have needed all her
+skill to conceal the fact from herself. Miss MARY GLYNNE as _The Lady
+Clarissa_, the portentous _Duchess of Glastonbury's_ pretty daughter and
+the doomed bride of the egregious _Deeford_, was quite charming to watch
+and hear. Mr. CYRIL RAYMOND should, I am sure, mitigate the asinine
+priggishness of the young viscount's bearing in the First Act. His
+conversion from this to the merely crass stupidity of the second was too
+much for us to bear. Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD as Mr. _Hugh Meyers_ looked
+quite as if he might have been able to put his hand on two million; Mr.
+HARBEN as _Sir Michael Probert_ just as if he would sign any document
+which was put before him under threat or suggestion. Mr. CAMPBELL
+GULLAN, as the adventuress's husband, made himself the kind of clerk
+that no one would have trusted for a moment with even the petty cash.
+These things I know are necessary and I acquit him of any artistic
+impropriety. But you will go to see this piece chiefly for the sake of
+Mr. EADIE's _tour de force_, for the thrill of the rather pleasant
+sensation (mingled with a slightly horrified suspicion of sacrilege) of
+seeing a queer resurrection, and for the fragrance of a touching little
+idyll of married friendship--one of the most enduring of _Disraeliana_.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands?"
+                       _Merchant of Venice_, Act iii. Sc. I
+
+_Benjamin Disraeli_ ... Mr. DENNIS EADIE.
+_Mrs. Noel Travers_ ... Mlle. GABRIELLE DORZIAT]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Special Matinée, at which the Queen will be present, is to be given at
+the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, at 2.30, on Friday, April 14th, in aid of
+of the Y. W. C. A.'s fund for providing Hostels, Canteens and Rest Rooms
+for women engaged in munition and other war-work. Among the artists who
+have promised to appear are Madame SARAH BERNHARDT, Miss GLADYS COOPER,
+Mr. JOSEPH COYNE, Mr. GERALD DU MAURIER, Mr. DENNIS EADIE, Miss LILY
+ELSIE, Madame GENÉE, Mr. ROBERT HALE, Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, Madame KIRKBY
+LUNN, Mr. GEORGE ROBEY and Miss IRENE VANBRUGH. The Matinée has been
+organised by Miss OLGA NETHERSOLE, and the stage will be under the
+direction of Mr. DION BOUCICAULT.
+
+Applications for seats should be addressed to the Manager, Box Office,
+Theatre Royal, Drury Lane. Cheques to be made payable to Lady SYDENHAM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer (to Sentry on fire-step in the trenches_).
+"ANYTHING TO REPORT, SENTRY?"
+
+_Sentry (who has been gazing steadily at wire entanglements_), "ALL
+QUIET, SIR, EXCEPT THEM POSTS OUT THERE. IF I WATCH 'EM LONG ENOUGH THEY
+START FORMING FOURS.".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL ECONOMY.
+
+We learn that at a recent matinée performance of a play by Mr. W. B.
+YEATS, "instead of scenery a Chorus of singers was introduced, who
+described the scene as well as commenting upon the action." In these
+times that call for frugality other managements would do well to copy.
+One might mount an entire West-End Society comedy, and bring as it were
+the scent of Hay Hill across the footlights, at no greater expense than
+the cost of a back-curtain and a Chorus. The latter might go something
+as follows:--
+
+  This is the morning-room of the heroine's house in Half Moon Street;
+  Noble and large is the room, with three windows, two doors and a fireplace
+  (Goodness knows how many more in the wall through which we are looking).
+  Nobly and well is it furnished, with chairs and with tables and couches,
+  Couches beyond computation, and all of them soon to be sat on;
+  So may you see that the play will be dialogue rather than action.
+  Pleasant and fresh in the footlights the chintzes with which they are covered,
+  Giving a summer effect, helped out by the plants in the fireplace.
+  Curtains at each of the windows are flooded with limelight of amber,
+  Whence you may learn that the time is a fine afternoon in the season.
+  Centre of back a piano, whose makers are told on the programme,
+  Promises snatches of song, or it may be a heartbroken solo.
+  Carpets and rugs and the like you can fill in without any prompting;
+  Pictures and china and books, and photographs circled in silver.
+  Yes, you may take it from us that the piece has been mounted regardless.
+
+[_Enter the leading lady. She just pushes the back-curtains apart and
+emerges on to the stage, dressed in any old thing (what a saving!). The
+Chorus continues ecstatically._]
+
+  See where the heroine comes, flinging open the door from the staircase
+  (Marked you the head of the stairs and the artist-proof on the landing?
+  That's what I call realistic). She's threaded her way through the couches,
+  Sinks upon one for an instant, then rises and walks to the window,
+  Showing the back of her gown to be fully as chic as the front part.
+  So to the door (in the curtain) and slams it with signs of emotion,
+  Slams it so hard and so fierce that the walls of the room are a-quiver;
+  Even the opposite side of the roadway, as seen through the windows,
+  Shares in the general movement, as though it were struck by an earthquake.
+
+And so on. You catch the idea? Bare boards, a passion and a Chorus; and
+the management would save enough to make the amusement-tax a matter of
+indifference.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+V.--SWISS COTTAGE.
+
+  I heard a Jodeller
+    In a Swiss cottage
+  Eating a crust
+    And a bowlful of pottage.
+
+  He jodelled and jodelled
+    'Twixt every bite;
+  He jodelled until
+    Not a crumb was in sight.
+
+  He jodelled and jodelled
+    'Twixt every sup;
+  He jodelled until
+    He had drunk it all up.
+
+  He put down his bowl
+    And he came to the door,
+  And jodelled and jodelled
+    And jodelled for more!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The exportation of the following goods is prohibited to all
+    destinations:--
+
+    Acetic acid, cinematograph films, ferro-molybdenum,
+    ferro-silicon, ferro-tungsten, gramophone and other sound
+    records, photographic sensitive firms, &c., &c."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+    "Two photographers from Devonport, who had been already deferred
+    ten groups, asked that their claims should be heard in camera."
+
+    _Western Morning News._
+
+No doubt they belonged to one of the sensitive firms above mentioned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROOSEVELT IN THE RING.
+
+Every Englishman who has taken even a very humble part in the
+consideration and discussion of public affairs is or ought to be aware
+that the most gratuitous error he can commit is to take a side in
+American politics and to criticise American public men from the British
+point of view. From that error I propose to abstain most rigorously. It
+is the right of Americans to criticise their own Government and the
+public acts of their statesmen, and on that right I shall not infringe.
+It cannot, however, be improper for an Englishman to set out before his
+fellow-countrymen the utterances of a great American on matters which
+vitally affect not only America but the whole civilised world. Mr.
+_Roosevelt_--for Mr. _Roosevelt_ is the great American of whom I
+speak--has done more than give utterance to his opinions; he has
+deliberately collected them into a book, _Fear God and Take Your Own
+Part_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), and has thus invited us to read and
+consider his views. I accept his invitation and trust I shall not abuse
+the privilege.
+
+It is a refreshment to go about with Mr. ROOSEVELT through the pages of
+this book. Here are no doubts and no hesitations, no timidity and no
+blurred outlines. Everything is clear cut and well defined. Where Mr.
+ROOSEVELT blames he blames with a vigour which is overwhelming; where he
+approves he approves with a resonant zeal and enjoyment. He has no drop
+of English blood in his veins--he himself has said it more than
+once--yet he is strong in his praise of our conduct and even stronger in
+his denunciation of the faithlessness and inhumanity of Germany. The
+contemplation of German atrocities and of what he considers to be
+America's weak compliance with them fills him with a rage which is
+fortunately articulate. His indictment of Germany is as vigorous as the
+most ardent pro-Ally can desire. It would be agreeable to watch the
+KAISER's face if he should happen to take up this book in an idle moment
+between one front and another.
+
+Mr. ROOSEVELT's position can be best defined in his own words. "We
+Americans," he says, "must pay to the great truths set forth by Lincoln
+a loyalty of the heart and not of the lips only. In this crisis I hold
+that we have signally failed in our duty to Belgium and Armenia, and in
+our duty to ourselves. In this crisis I hold that the Allies are
+standing for the principles to which Abraham Lincoln said this country
+was dedicated; and the rulers of Germany have, in practical fashion,
+shown this to be the case by conducting a campaign against Americans on
+the ocean, which has resulted in the wholesale murder of American men,
+women and children, and by conducting within our own borders a campaign
+of the bomb and the torch against American industries. They have carried
+on war against our people; for wholesale and repeated killing is war,
+even though the killing takes the shape of assassination of
+non-combatants, instead of battle against armed men."
+
+Here again is a passage which is not lacking in emphasis: "Of course,
+incidentally, we have earned contempt and derision by our conduct in
+connection with the hundreds of Americans thus killed in time of peace
+without action on our part. The United States Senator or Governor of a
+State or other public representative who takes the position that our
+citizens should not, in accordance with their lawful rights, travel on
+such ships, and that we need not take action about their deaths,
+occupies a position precisely and exactly as base and as cowardly (and I
+use those words with scientific precision) as if his wife's face were
+slapped on the public streets and the only action he took was to tell
+her to stay in the house."
+
+This, too, on the hyphenated is good: "As regards the German-Americans
+who assail me in this contest because they are really mere transported
+Germans, hostile to this country and to human rights, I feel, not
+sorrow, but stern disapproval. I am not interested in their attitude
+toward me, but I am greatly interested in their attitude toward this
+nation. I am standing for the larger Americanism, for true Americanism;
+and as regards my attitude in this matter I do not ask as a favour, but
+challenge as a right, the support of all good American citizens, no
+matter where born and no matter of what creed or national origin." That
+puts the matter in a nutshell.
+
+I might continue with pithy extracts until the columns of _Punch_ were
+filled to overflowing, and even then I should not have exhausted the
+interest of this virile and timely book. The reading of it can only
+serve to confirm an Englishman's faith in his country's cause. Thank
+you, Mr. ROOSEVELT, for your admirable tonic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE AIR RAID. "ARE YOU HURT, SIR?"
+
+"YES, BUT NOT HALF SO BADLY AS THE CHAP WHO TRIED TO PINCH MY
+SOUVENIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VICTORIA.
+
+He entered the train at St. James' Park--a dark-eyed young Belgian
+wearing the new khaki uniform of KING ALBERT'S heroic Army. I had
+watched him hobbling along the platform, and my own boots and puttees
+being coated with mud after a day's trench-digging in Surrey I drew them
+in as he took the corner seat opposite mine, stretching out rather
+stiffly before him the leg which had no doubt stopped a Bosch's bullet.
+Here was the opportunity for an interesting exchange of views. I was
+mentally rehearsing a few bright opening sentences in French when the
+train again stopped. Half twisting in his seat he peered uncertainly out
+of window.
+
+"Victoria," I informed him; but he obviously didn't understand. I raised
+my voice.
+
+"Victoria Station," I told him again. "Er--er, _Victoire_."
+
+His stick fell clattering to the floor, his mouth broadened into a
+fraternal smile and, seizing both my hands, he worked them like
+pump-handles.
+
+"_Ah, bon, bon! À la victoire! Vivent les Alliés!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BRAZIL.--The British Consul at Porto Alegre states that there
+    appears to be a prospect of the work of repaying the town being
+    carried out in the near future. The contract provides for the
+    repaving of an area of 500,000 square miles at a total cost of
+    £223,200." _Morning Paper._
+
+If these figures are correct Porto Alegre must have the record for cheap
+paving, always excepting an even warmer place where good intentions are
+the material employed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant-Major (lecturing the young officers of a new
+battalion of an old regiment_). "YOU 'AVEN'T GOT TO MAKE TRADITIONS;
+YOU'VE ONLY GOT TO KEEP 'EM. YOU WAS THE BLANKSHIRE REGIMENT IN 1810.
+YOU ARE THE BLANKSHIRE REGIMENT IN 1916. NEVER MORE CLEARLY 'AS 'ISTORY
+REPEATED ITSELF.".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CONKY'S" UNCLE.
+
+There are some men whose patronymics are swallowed up in their
+nicknames, and my friend "Conky" is one of these. He has quite a
+decorative surname of his own, but it never counted. For the rest he is
+the possessor of a big booming bass voice, which he uses with more gusto
+than art. He is, apart from a certain pride in his musical
+accomplishments, a very good fellow; and so is Mrs. "Conky"--an amiable
+and agreeable woman, whose only fault is an excessive anxiety for the
+comfort of her guests, leading her at times to forget, in the words of
+the Chinese proverb, that "inattention is often the highest form of
+civility."
+
+They are a devoted couple, and the only cloud on their happiness was
+caused by Conky's expectations from a mysterious and eccentric uncle.
+For a long time I was inclined to disbelieve in his existence, as he
+never "materialised." But I was converted from my scepticism, some three
+years ago, when, on meeting Conky, I was informed that Uncle Joseph had
+invited himself on a short visit. My friend betrayed a certain
+agitation. "You know," he said, "it is twenty years since I saw him
+last, when he came to look me up at school, and rather frightened me."
+
+"Frightened you! But how?"
+
+"Well, you see, he's got a way of thinking aloud, and it's rather
+embarrassing. I don't mind being called 'Conky,' as you know, but it was
+rather trying to hear him say, 'I hope his nose has stopped growing.'
+However, I couldn't very well put him off now. I'm his only nephew; he's
+an old man, and said to be very rich." Conky sighed, but added more
+hopefully, "Anyhow, I'm sure Marjorie will rise to the occasion."
+Personally I was by no means so sure. I felt that Marjorie might overdo
+it: also that Conky, who loved the sound of his voice, might be tempted
+to soothe the old man with intempestive gusts of song.
+
+Unhappily my misgivings were realised. A few weeks later, on my way home
+from the club, I called in late one afternoon on the Conkys. They
+greeted me cordially as usual, but I could see something was amiss, and
+soon it all came out. The visit had been a fiasco. Uncle Joseph had been
+very friendly and even courteous, but at intervals he thought aloud with
+devastating frankness. Marjorie had exhausted herself in the labours of
+hospitality, but all in vain. Conky had sung, but the voice of the
+charmer had failed. And just as Uncle Joseph was going he observed in a
+final burst of candour, "Goo-ood people, very goo-ood people; but
+_she_'s a second-rate Martha, and _he_ sings like a bank-holiday
+trombone-player on Blackpool sands."
+
+From that day till a week ago I never heard Conky or his wife allude to
+Uncle Joseph. The memory was too painful. And yet it is impossible to
+deny that the experience was salutary. Marjorie is certainly less
+overwhelming in her hospitality, and Conky less prodigal of song. And
+when Conky told me last week that Uncle Joseph had died and left him
+£10,000, I felt that the old man had atoned handsomely for his
+unconscious indulgence in a habit for which, after all, a good deal was
+to be said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+The latest of our novelists to succumb to the temptations of the school
+story is Mr. E. F. BENSON; and I am pleased to add that in _David
+Blaize_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) he seems to have scored a notable
+success. It is the record of a not specially distinguished, but entirely
+charming, lad during his career at his private and public schools.
+Incidentally, as such records must, it becomes the history of certain
+other boys, two especially, and of _David_'s relations with them. It is
+this that is the real motive of the book. The friendship between
+_Maddox_ and _David_, its dangers and its rewards, seems to me to have
+been handled with the rarest delicacy and judgment. The hazards of the
+theme are obvious. There have been books in plenty before now that,
+essaying to navigate the uncharted seas of schoolboy friendship, have
+foundered beneath the waves of sloppiness that are so ready to engulph
+them. The more credit then to Mr. BENSON for bringing his barque
+triumphantly to harbour. To drop metaphor, the captious or the forgetful
+may call the whole sentimental--as if one could write about boys and
+leave out what is the greatest common factor of the race. But the
+sentiment is never mawkish. There is indeed an atmosphere of clean,
+fresh-smelling youth about the book that is vastly refreshing.
+Friendship and games make up the matter of it; there is nothing that I
+could repeat by way of plot; but if you care for a close and sympathetic
+study of boyhood at its happiest here is the book for your money.
+Finally I may mention that, though in sympathetic studies of boyhood the
+pedagogue receives as a rule scant courtesy, Mr. BENSON'S masters are
+(with one unimportant exception) such delightful persons that I can only
+hope that they are actual and not imaginary portraits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+You will get quite a serviceable impression of what the highlands and
+highlanders of Serbia and Montenegro were like in war, behind the lines
+when the lines still held, from _The Luck of Thirteen_ (SMITH, ELDER),
+by JAN GORDON (colourist) and CORA his wife, if you are not blinded by
+the perpetual flashes of brightness--such flashes as "somebody had
+gnawed a piece from one of the wheels" as an explanation of jolting;
+"the twistiest stream, which seemed as though it had been designed by a
+lump of mercury on a wobbling plate;" the trees in the mist "seemed to
+stand about with their hands in their pockets, like vegetable
+Charlie----" But no! I am hanged if I will write the accurséd name. This
+plucky pair of souls had put in some stiff months of typhus-fighting
+with a medical mission in the early months of the war, and these are
+impressions of the holiday which they took thereafter among those
+fateful hills, with a little carrying of despatches, retrieving of
+stores and a good deal of parasite-hunting thrown in, until they were
+finally caught up in the tragic Serbian retreat; still remaining, of
+course, incurably "bright." I think I detect a certain amount of the
+too-British attitude that contemns what is strange and is more than a
+little scornful of poverty, official and private. And I suppose the
+artist's wife will scoff if I tell her that I was shocked that she
+should have taken some shots at the Austrians with a Montenegrin machine
+gun, as if war was just a cock-shy for tourists. But I was. If Mr. JAN
+GORDON found a good deal more colour in his subjects than we other
+fellows would have been able to see, that's what an artist's for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SALVE.
+
+_Returning Soldier._ "'ULLO, MOTHER!"
+
+_His Wife (with stoic self-control)._ "'ULLO, FRED. BETTER WIPE YER
+BOOTS BEFORE YOU COME IN--AFTER THEM MUDDY TRENCHES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Jitny and the Boys_ (SMITH, ELDER) there are those elements of
+patriotism, humour and pathos which I find so desirable in War-time
+books. _Jitny_ was neither man nor woman, but a motor-car, and without
+disparaging those who drove her and rode in her I am bound to say that
+she was as much alive as any one of them. She certainly talked--or was
+responsible for--a lot of motor-shop, and I took it all in with the
+greatest ease and comfort. _Jitny_ indeed is a great car, but she is not
+exactly the heroine of a novel. She is just the sit-point from which a
+very human family surveys the world at a time when that world is
+undergoing a vast upheaval. In the father of this family Mr. BENNET
+COPPLESTONE has scored an unqualified success, but the boys are perhaps
+a little old for their years. This, however, is no great matter, for the
+essential fact is that the book is full of the thoughts which make us
+proud to-day and help us to face to-morrow. Yes, _Jitny_ has my
+blessing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Little Willie goes for more Loot.
+
+    "In the Woevre the Germans attempted on three occasions to
+    capture from us an earthquake."--_Glasgow Evening News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A schoolgirl's translation:--"_La marquise recommanda son âme à Dieu._"
+"The Marquis wished his donkey good-bye."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A number of officers in the province of Yunnan, China, hatched
+    a plot to behead the Governor-General at Urumtsi, and proclaim
+    the independence of the province of Sinkiang. The Governor,
+    discovering the plot, invited ten of the conspirators to an
+    official dinner, at which he beheaded them in turn."--_Reuter._
+
+"Another glass of wine, Mr. Wung Ti?" "No? Very well, then, if you would
+kindly stand up a moment and place your neck on the back of your
+chair---- Thank you. After the savoury I shall have the pleasure of
+calling upon the next on my list, Mr. Ah Sin," and so on. Quite a jolly
+dinner-party.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, April 12, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, April 12th, 1916.</title>
+<style type="text/css">
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+April 12, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, April 12, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: December 5, 2007 [EBook #23746]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jane Hyland, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 150.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>April 12th, 1916.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/241.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Junior Sub</i>. <span class="smcap">"The Colonel says will you dismiss the parade, Sir?"</span></p>
+<p><i>Newly-mounted Captain</i>. <span class="smcap">"Confound it! Do it yourself, Smith. I'm busy riding."</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>We are in a position to state that the efficiency of Germany's new
+submersible Zeppelins has been greatly exaggerated.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Many schemes for coping with our &pound;2,100,000,000 War indebtedness are
+before the authorities, and at least one dear old lady has written
+suggesting that they should hold a bazaar.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is stated that the monkey market at Constantinople, which for
+hundreds of years has supplied the baboons found in Turkish harems, has
+closed down. German competition is said to be responsible for the
+incident.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Government's indifference to the balloon type of aircraft has
+received a further illustration. They have rejected Highgate's fat
+conscript.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>German scientists are now making explosives out of heather. Fortunately
+the secret of making Highlanders out of the same material still remains
+in our hands.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Deference to one's superiors in rank is all very well up to a point, but
+we should never go so far as to allow an article by a titled
+war-correspondent to be headed "The Great Offensive at Verdun."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>British songsters, says a writer in <i>The Daily Chronicle</i>, are now being
+illegally used to regale the wealthy gourmets of the West End in place
+of the foreign varieties, which can no longer be imported. For
+ourselves, who are nothing if not British, we are glad of any sign that
+native musicians are coming by their own.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The practice of interning travellers in Tube and other stations during
+the progress of Zeppelin raids on the North-East Coast having become
+extremely popular, it is suggested that some much-needed revenue might
+be obtained by imposing a small tax&mdash;a penny, say, per hour&mdash;upon those
+who thus enjoy the protection and hospitality of our railways.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is officially announced that Oxford is to have no more Rhodes
+Kolossals.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Lord <span class="smcap">Robert Cecil</span> admitted in Parliament last week that the contraband
+list is to be enlarged, and it is rumoured that, notwithstanding the
+serious effect the step may have in the United States and elsewhere, the
+list will be extended to include munitions of war.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A prominent City barber points out to an <i>Evening News</i> correspondent
+that it would be most unfortunate if the high cost of shaves should
+result in a discontinuance of the practice of tipping the operator, and
+adds that only two of the services have increased in price. He means, of
+course, to draw attention to the fact that sporting chatter, dislocation
+of the neck, and the removal of superfluous portions of the ears are
+still provided free of charge.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h3>Anti-Climax.</h3>
+
+<p>From a <i>feuilleton</i> (showing what our serial fictionists have to put up
+with):&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"'To-morrow?' repeated Rosalie, dully. 'I'm afraid I can't
+to-morrow.'</p>
+
+<p>To-morrow&mdash;&mdash;!</p>
+
+<p>There will be another fine instalment to-morrow."&mdash;<i>Daily
+Mirror</i>.</p></blockquote><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>OF COCOA</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">and certain old associations revived by a draught of this nutritious
+bean</span>.</p>
+
+<p>["The rate on cocoa is raised from 1-&frac12;<i>d.</i> to 6<i>d.</i> per lb." (Loud
+cheers).  <i>The <span class="smcap">Chancellor's</span> Budget Speech.</i>]</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now, ere the price thereof goes soaring up,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Ere yet the devastating tax comes in,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I wish to wallow in the temperate cup</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">(Loud cheers) that not inebriates, like gin;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ho, waiter! bring me&mdash;nay, I do not jest&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 4em;">A cocoa of the best!</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Noblest of all non-alcoholic brews,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Rich nectar of the Nonconformist Press,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Tasting of <span class="smcap">Cadbury</span> and <i>The Daily News</i>,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of passive martyrs and the law's distress,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And redolent of the old narcotic spice</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Of peace-at-any-price&mdash;</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">What memories, how intolerably sweet,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Hover about its fat and unctuous fumes!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of Little England and a half-baked Fleet,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of German friendship pure as vernal blooms,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And that dear country's hallowed right to dump</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Things on us in the lump;</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of tropic isles whereon this beverage springs,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And niggers sweating out their pagan souls;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of British workmen, flattered even as kings,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">So to secure their suffrage at the polls;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of liberty for all to go on strike</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Just when and where they like.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I would renew these wistful dreams to-night;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">For, since upon my precious nibs, when ground,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><span class="smcap">McKenna</span>'s minions, with to-morrow's light,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Will plant a tax of sixpence in the pound,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">My sacred memories, cheap enough before,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Will clearly cost me more.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">O. S.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>ANOTHER SCRAP OF PAPER.</h2>
+
+<p>I look all right, and I feel all right, but the doctor said the Army was
+no place for me. Having given me a piece of paper which said so, he
+looked over my head and called out, "Next, please." It was with this
+document I was going to produce a delicious thrill&mdash;what I might call an
+"electric" moment. I carefully rehearsed what should happen, though I
+was not quite sure what attitude to adopt&mdash;whether to give the
+impression that I was a member of a pacific society, look elaborately
+unconcerned or truculently youthful. This, I decided, had better be left
+to the psychological moment.</p>
+
+<p>I would take my seat or strap in the crowded tram or train. Observing
+that I wore neither khaki nor armlet someone would want to know why "a
+big, strong, healthy-looking fellow like you was not in the Army." I
+should then try to look pacific or elaborately&mdash;see above again. But I
+should say nothing. My studied silence would annoy everybody. I was
+quite sure of this, because I really can do that sort of silence very
+well. The inevitable old woman with a bundle would fix me with her
+watery eye. "The man in the street," who, of course, would now be in the
+tram or train, would give a brief history of his three sons and one
+brother-in-law at the Front. The armleted conductor (we are now in the
+tram) would give my ticket a very rude punch and my penny a very angry
+stare. When I was quite sure I had been set down as a slacker, I should
+produce the doctor's certificate of exemption. In my ultra-polite
+manner, which is nearly as good as my annoying silence, I should hand it
+to the man whose three sons and one brother-in-law had evidently been
+writing for more cigarettes. I would then say, "I know you can talk. It
+is possible you can read. Would you be good enough to read aloud this
+certificate?" It would be read and then handed back to me. I would fold
+it carefully and place it in my inside pocket. Looking very tenderly at
+the long row of rebuked countenances, I should get up and make for the
+door. This would be the delicious thrill, the electric moment. The
+following is what <i>did</i> happen.</p>
+
+<p>I was on the Tube. Conditions were favourable, as Sir <span class="smcap">Oliver Lodge</span> would
+say to Mrs. <span class="smcap">Piper</span>. The old woman with the bundle was not there, but the
+shop-girl with three regimental brooches was. Everything was going as
+well as I could have wished. The shop-girl closed her novel and fingered
+her brooches. A fat old gentleman sniffed vigorously, and someone asked
+why "a big, strong, healthy, etc., etc." Nobody seemed to be impressed
+by my splendid silence, but it was there all the same, and somebody was
+going to be very sorry before he got home. I touched my tie and lit a
+fresh cigarette. The air was tense. I could almost see my electric
+moment walking down the compartment to meet me. We were nearing a
+station. I felt in my pocket.</p>
+
+<p>I had left the certificate at home!</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>HOME HELPS FOR NON-COMBATANTS.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Army and Navy Exemptions Supply Association, Limited</span>, offer
+facilities for the evasion of military service.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Ladies</span> supplied to act as Widowed Stepmothers to young Slackers.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gentlemen</span> not desirous of serving should inspect one of our Bijou
+Residences. Bath (h. and c.); rent inclusive. District enjoys best water
+supply and most lenient Exemption Tribunal in the Home Counties.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Persons</span> requiring the Loan of Children may obtain these useful aids to
+exemption in lots of not less than half-a-dozen (mixed), by the day,
+week, or month, as desired.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>FLAT FOOT IN TWELVE DAYS! A GENUINE DISCOVERY.</p>
+
+<p>Gentlemen wishing to acquire this useful impediment may do so with
+secrecy and despatch on application (with fee). No <i>permanent</i>
+disability need be feared, a certain cure being guaranteed within one
+calendar month after date of signing peace, upon payment of a further
+fee.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>LEARN TO FAINT.</p>
+
+<p>One Correspondence Course will teach you this useful art in two and a
+half lessons.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>Do you want not to go to the Front? Then try our <span class="smcap">Little White Liver
+Pills</span> and you will never have another worry. <i>Dose:</i> One, once. Sold
+everywhere.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>HOW TO LOOK OLD. A USEFUL WRINKLE.</p>
+
+<p>No more worry. No matter <i>how</i> youthful your appearance, in <span class="smcap">Ten Minutes</span>
+we can make you look</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><span class="smcap">As Grey as Grandpa.</span></span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Call and inspect our appliances. They will convince you.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>Are you a <span class="smcap">Man of Genius</span>? And young? And in perfect health? We will see
+that you are saved for your country. In the words of one of our exempted
+clients:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"For why should youth aglow with gifts divine</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Be driven forth to glut the foreign swine?"</span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/243.png"><img width="100%" src="images/243.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<h3>THE GRAPES OF VERDUN.</h3>
+<p><span class="smcap">The Old Fox</span>. "YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING MUCH NEARER THEM."</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">The Cub</span>. "NO, FATHER. HADN'T WE BETTER GIVE IT OUT THAT THEY'RE SOUR?"]<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/244.png"><img width="100%" src="images/244.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p><i>His Fianc&eacute;e.</i> <span class="smcap">"He had very bad luck. He was knocked over
+by a ricochet."</span></p>
+<p><i>Her Aunt.</i> <span class="smcap">"Really? I didn't know the Germans had any native troops
+fighting for them."</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+<p>XXXVII.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">My dear Charles</span>,&mdash;This letter is written in England, but the reason for
+my presence here is not to be dismissed in a breath or mentioned first
+anyhow. It is to be led up to gradually, the music being stopped and the
+audience being asked to refrain from shuffling their feet about and
+coughing when we come to the critical moment.</p>
+
+<p>Reviewing my military career, I do not look upon myself as great; I look
+upon myself rather as very great. Even at the beginning of it I had a
+distinct way with me. I would say to fifty men, "Form fours," and sure
+enough they would form them. I would then rearrange my ideas and say,
+"Form two-deep," and there, in the twinkling of an eye, was your two
+deep. This is not common, I think; it was just something in me, some
+peculiar gift for which I was not responsible. So pleasing was the
+effect that I would sometimes go on repeating the process for ten
+minutes or so, and every time it fell out exactly as I said it would, no
+one ever daring to suggest that the sooner I settled down to a definite
+policy, whether in fours or twos, the sooner the War would end.</p>
+
+<p>For six months I continued performing this difficult and dangerous work,
+only once making the mistake of ordering my men to take a left turn and
+myself taking a right one. Fortunately this happened in a local town of
+tortuous by-ways, and so it fell out that I and my platoon only met
+again later in the day; and a most touching meeting it was. Discussing
+the matter afterwards with my C.O., I inclined to the view that it was
+an accident which I, for my part, was quite ready to forgive and forget.
+My C.O. was, however, out of sorts at the moment; in fact he let his
+tongue run away with him. He even proposed to put me on the Barrack
+Square for a month, a suggestion which caused my Adjutant (who was
+interfering as usual) to smile quite unpleasantly. I just looked them
+straight in the face and said nothing. This, I think, was little short
+of masterly on my part, since I knew all the time, and knew that they
+know, that there was in fact no Barrack Square thereabouts to put me on.</p>
+
+<p>After this my men did so extraordinarily well that I became a marked
+man. I was, in fact, invited to step over to France and to give some
+practical demonstrations in the art of making war. To pack a few
+articles into a bag and to parade my men was with me the work of a
+moment. Before starting it was, however, proper to address a pre-battle
+speech to them. Silence was enjoined and I spoke, spoke simply and
+honestly as a great soldier should. "Form fours," said I, and paused
+dramatically. "Form two-deep," I continued, and my meaning was
+understood. "Form fours," I concluded ... and we were ready for the
+worst.</p>
+
+<p>So we moved away for the Field. We did this, I remember, at 5 A.M. Not a
+moment was to be lost. Our train started at noon and we had three miles
+to march to the station. Running it pretty close, wasn't it?</p>
+
+<p>Never shall I forget the anxious faces which greeted our arrival at the
+French port. "Nip up to the trenches," said O.C. megaphone, "and save
+the situation if you can." Up to the trenches we nipped, covering the
+distance of sixty miles in less than three weeks. There was no doubt
+about our willingness and ability to do as we were told; our only
+difficulty was to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span> discover in the dark where the situation was. Never
+shall I forget the tense strain that first night, my men standing to
+arms through the long hours, with their rifles pointing into the
+darkness beyond. But not a shot was fired, and when dawn broke all was
+well. True, the first light revealed the fact that I had got us all with
+our backs to the enemy, so that if there had been a battle it would have
+been between ourselves and Mr. Jones's platoon. But you can't have
+everything; and sense of direction never was my strong point. Never
+shall I forget our first breakfast in the trenches. It consisted of
+bacon and eggs, marmalade and tea. How strange and novel an experience
+it was to be at war!</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 50%;">
+<a href="images/245.png"><img width="100%" src="images/245.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Mistress</i>. "<span class="smcap">Well, Jane, what sort of news have you from
+your young man at the front?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Jane</i>. "<span class="smcap">Fatal, Mum</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mistress</i>. "<span class="smcap">Dear, dear! I'm very sorry&mdash;&mdash;"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Jane</i>. "<span class="smcap">Yes, Mum. 'E's broke it off, Mum</span>."</p></div>
+
+<p>Never shall I forget.... Now I know there was something else, but there
+are such a lot of things that I am never going to forget about this War
+that I cannot be expected to remember them all. It was something about
+someone not shaving, and being in the rear rank while the front rank was
+being inspected, and in the front rank while the rear rank was being
+inspected. It was by such brilliance of strategy as this that I was able
+to do the Bosch out of that little dinner he meant to have in Paris. It
+was owing to the same, and to my being overheard to remark that I could
+run the blessed War by myself better than this, that I was given a pen
+and a piece of blotting-paper and told to carry on. After which, of
+course, the wretched Bosch never even got as far as Calais.</p>
+
+<p>Truly a remarkable man! But hear the crisis of my career.</p>
+
+<p>This letter is written in England. If you would only read your morning
+paper properly, you would know why. Looking down the Births Column to
+see if anybody you know has been born, you would have noticed that We,
+Henry, are the father of a son, a tall, good-looking fellow, who weighs
+eight, eighteen or eighty pounds (I could not be sure which) and is a
+man of few words, obviously the strong silent sort.</p>
+
+<p>On hearing the news we at once reported our achievement to the Staff and
+asked what we were to do about it. We were informed that, as far as we
+were concerned, the War stood adjourned for eight days. Later, as we
+stood in the street trying to think it all out and to remodel our
+demeanour so as to suggest the responsibility and respectability of a
+father, we were asked severely why we were standing idle, and told that,
+unless we were seen forthwith moving off for England at the double,
+action would be taken. So home, where we were very respectfully saluted
+by the New Draft. A strange but nice woman who had the parade in hand
+invited us to come a little closer, but this we refused to do, giving as
+our reason that we were beginning as we meant to go on and that undue
+familiarity is bad for discipline. We then addressed a few kind words to
+the Lady in the Case, who appeared to take it all very much as a matter
+of course, and with her discussed future dispositions. The Army and the
+Bar were negatived at once; it was suggested (not by us) that we have
+already in our small family an example sufficiently fortunate of both.
+He will be a sailor or a financier. There is something about sailors; it
+is always a pleasure and a pride to take one of them out to dinner in a
+public place, especially if he's your own. On the other hand the
+financier alternative is suggested with a view to the possibility (as
+things tend) that it may be he who has to take us out to dinner.</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Yours ever,&nbsp; <span class="smcap">Henry</span>.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The fall of rain during February in Exeter amounted to 5.39
+inches. During the same month 80 hours 58 mins. of sunshine were
+recorded, being an average of 2 hours 42 mins. per day. The
+chief tradesmen of the district are responsible for this
+gratifying result." <i>Express and Echo (Exeter).</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>They seem to be easily satisfied down in the West. If London tradesmen
+take to purveying the weather we shall want a little less rain and a
+good deal more sunshine.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>IN PRAISE OF PUSSY.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[Professor <span class="smcap">Robert Wallace</span>, of Edinburgh University, has been
+defending the cat as a useful member of society and a defence
+against the ravages of plague, and encourages the breeding,
+collecting and distributing of types of cats known to be
+"superior ratters."]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In these days of stress and passion</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Feline charms are out of fashion,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And the cult of Pasht is coldly looked upon;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But cat-lovers may take solace</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">From the words of <span class="smcap">Robert Wallace</span>,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Who's a scientific Edinboro' don.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Cats as lissome merry minxes,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or impenetrable Sphinxes&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Leonine, aloof, impassive, topaz-eyed&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Leave our staid professor chilly,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For he clearly thinks it silly</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To regard them from the decorative side.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It is <i>not</i> their grace, now serious,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now malicious, now mysterious,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">That appeals to his utilitarian mind;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But, when viewed as extirpators</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of disease-disseminators,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Then he looks with admiration on their kind.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For if cats should ever shun us</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Rats with plague would overrun us,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And they're bad enough on economic grounds;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For their annual depredation</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On the food-stuffs of the nation</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He would estimate at twenty million pounds.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">True, O Puss, romance is lacking</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In your latest champion's backing,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">But at least he isn't talking through his hat;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And if, after all, what matters</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is to have "superior ratters"&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Well, he pays the highest homage to the Cat.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>HEROISM.</h2>
+
+<p>There are heroes and heroes. All heroes are heroes: that is certain. But
+there are some heroes whose heroism involves more thought (shall I
+say?), more material, than that of others, who are heroic in a kind of
+rush, without any premeditation&mdash;heroic by instinct. Now it seems to me
+that the rewards of the more complex heroes ought&mdash;but let me
+illustrate.</p>
+
+<p>I have a friend who is a hero. The other day in France he did one of the
+most desperate things, and did it apparently as a matter of course; and
+he is to have the V.C. for it. But is the V.C. enough'? If it's enough
+for the instinctive heroes, is it enough for him? That is my question.
+The secret history of his deed is known only to me and to himself, and
+when I give you an idea of it you will be able to answer.</p>
+
+<p>I will tell you.</p>
+
+<p>Never mind what the deed was. All I will say is that it is comparable to
+the glorious feat of Lieutenant <span class="smcap">Warneford</span>, who bombed the Zeppelin from
+above and sent it crashing down. My friend is an aviator too, and since
+I am not allowed to describe his great performance in detail let us
+pretend that it was an exact replica of the <span class="smcap">Warneford</span> triumph. Armed
+with his bombs he saw the approaching Zepp and flew high, six or seven
+thousand feet, to get above it. So far he had merely obeyed the dictates
+of his brave impulsive nature. He had given no thought to the chances of
+danger or death, but had flown direct to his duty. So far he was
+instinctive. But my friend, as well as being unusually brave, is a
+singularly retiring kind of man. He hates publicity, ostentation. Very
+shy and very quiet, he moves about the world unperceived, and has all
+the reluctances of the anchorite. Nothing but his deep feeling about the
+War could have got him to do anything as prominent as aviation, so that
+it is not unnatural that, as he mounted higher and higher and came
+nearer and nearer to the desired point over the Zepp, he should suddenly
+realise what it would mean for him if he succeeded in bringing it down.</p>
+
+<p>Not that he had too much time for such reflections, for until the
+envelope intervened between him and the Zepp's marksmen he was being
+blazed at steadily. Bullets whistled about him. But one thinks swiftly,
+and in a flash he saw the extremely distasteful consequences to
+humility, and the dislocation of his secluded way of life if, dropping
+his bombs accurately, he earned (as he was bound to do) the Victoria
+Cross. All this he saw, and was properly furious at his bad luck&mdash;at the
+trick that destiny had played on him. He then dropped the bombs, the
+envelope ignited, and the Zepp, with its crew and its deadly cargo, fell
+to earth and was blown to atoms.</p>
+
+<p>Now my point is that for such a hero as my friend, whose whole soul is
+to be outraged by publicity and <i>r&eacute;clame</i>, and much of whose dearly
+loved privacy is to be lost for ever, there ought to be a V.C. above and
+beyond the ordinary V.C.&mdash;a super V.C.; for he performed not one deed,
+but two: he not only destroyed the Zepp but he surrendered his
+sanctuary.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>An Exhibition of Mr. Punch's War Cartoons is now being held at the
+Leicester Galleries, Leicester Square.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h3>TO THE PRINCE OF ARTILLERYMEN</h3>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">who recently brought down a Zeppelin.</span></p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When, Gunner, through the breech you passed</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">That wing&eacute;d messenger of death,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And having made the breech-block fast,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With pounding heart and bated breath</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Drew back the rod of tempered steel</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">That frees the charge and fires the fuse,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I would have given much to feel</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">My feet in your distinguished shoes.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But when your deadly missile burst</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Right on the rover, checked his speed,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And made him rock like one whose thirst</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Has frankly caused him to exceed,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You must have felt as feels a god</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To whom whole nations bend the knee&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whichever of the dozen odd</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Disputant gunners you may be.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Who can tell but what Rumania's watchful eye will yet sound the
+bugle note which at the psychological moment will unite the
+Balkan thrones?"&mdash;<i>Shanghai Mercury</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Rumania seems to have something more than a speaking eye. It even plays
+tunes.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>From a German paper quoted by <i>The Times</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The German people fully recognises the nicely retiring manner
+of the Kaiser during this war."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The Allies are confident that it will receive further recognition before
+long.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>In an article entitled "The Superiority of German Strategy" the
+<i>Frankfurter Zeitung</i> says:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<blockquote><p>"The road before us is, however, long and calls for great
+achievements. We are not lacking in strength. Let us wait and
+see."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Asquith</span> is wondering what this flattery portends.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"I have spoken of the good there is in grooves, in the groovy
+way of life ... Who can be blind to the fact that life in a
+groove leads to bigotry and nar-grooves, in the groovy way of
+life?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Claudius Clear</i>" in "<i>The British Weekly</i>."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Not we. We have never been blind to anything of the sort.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="smcap">Little Lady</span>, during all these months thoughts entirely with
+you, treasuring up unbleaching memory of happy hours spent
+together."&mdash;<i>Advertisement in "The Times.</i>"</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Presumably in the wash-house. Unless some confusion arose, in the mind
+of the advertiser, between dying and bleaching.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>ECONOMY IN DRESS: THE NEW SMARTNESS.</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/247-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/247-1.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">"It's lovely, but I'm afraid thirty guineas is too much
+for me</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">It <i>is</i> a good deal, but Madam must remember this a genuine old dress.
+We Guarantee it to have been in constant wear for at least five years</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/247-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/247-2.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">"I say! that's a smart frock, if you like</span>!"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">H'm, yes. But it's only imitation&mdash;not real old</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/247-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/247-3.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">"I like it, but it looks dreadfully new</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">If you feel that, Madam, might I suggest that you have it soiled by our
+special process? We only charge three guineas extra</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/247-4.png"><img width="100%" src="images/247-4.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">"Come along, Mabel. Don't make your mouth water looking
+in there. Old clothes are not for the likes of Us</span>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span></p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/248.png"><img width="100%" src="images/248.png" alt="" /></a><br />
+
+<i>Visitor</i>. "And how did you <i>know</i> when you were
+wounded?" &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Tommy</i>. "<span class="smcap">Saw it in <i>The Daily Mail</i>.</span>"</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>MATCH PLAY.</h2>
+
+<p>Since the Budget was produced the match-mendicant is at work more
+industriously than ever, patting his pockets and looking round
+expectantly at his fellow-travellers. The surreptitious filling of
+private boxes in restaurants and club smoke-rooms is rapidly on the
+increase. Yet if men would only meet the proposed match-tax calmly and
+thoughtfully they might still remain honest and independent.</p>
+
+<p>There are too many three-match men. Just as the tennis-player sends down
+the first ball into the net with a fine abandon, and is more careful
+with the second, so the three-match man strikes his first match without
+arresting his progress along the street, only slows down a little with
+the second, and not until the third is in his fingers does he look about
+for a doorway.</p>
+
+<p>If deep doorways and public telephone boxes were put to better use by
+the smokers of England much waste of matches would be avoided.</p>
+
+<p>And why do not men buy their matches in a businesslike way? Every man
+should ask to see them before making a purchase. He should compare the
+brands, take note of the length and thickness of the sticks, examine the
+size and quality of the heads, test the durability of the sides of the
+boxes, compare the numbers in the various boxes, test the breaking
+strain of the matches and the strength of the flares when struck, and
+time with a stop-watch the burning of a certain length of match.</p>
+
+<p>Many matches are ruined and wasted by harsh treatment. Strong men are
+apt to use their strength like giants in striking their matches, with
+the result that the matches break, or their heads are pulled off, or the
+side of the box is irreparably injured. Remember that the striking of a
+match is more of a wrist movement than an arm movement. The man who
+strikes a match straight from the shoulder deserves to lose it; and the
+average match is not made to be struck even from the elbow. Many a man,
+puzzled at his lack of success in striking matches, will find the secret
+of his failure in too vigorous a use of the forearm. The best plan&mdash;one
+that is adopted by our leading actors and other experts&mdash;is to stand
+firmly with the feet about fourteen inches apart, hold the box between
+the thumb and fingers of the left hand (be careful to avoid the
+unsightly method, which some strikers adopt, of holding it in the palm),
+take the match about one inch and an eighth from the head with the thumb
+and forefinger of the right hand, bend back the right wrist until the
+head of the match is two and a half inches from the end of the box, and
+with a swift but not too sudden wrist-movement away from you rub the
+head of the match against the side of the box. A little careful practice
+will soon get one into the way of judging the distance accurately, so
+that, on the one hand, the box is not missed, and, on the other hand,
+the head of the match is not too severely strafed.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Five Zeppelins were seen off the East Coast between nine and
+ten last night. They appeared to be rather larger machines than
+those visiting the coast on previous occasions. Measures were
+taken." <i>Western Evening Herald.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We always use a simple foot-rule for this purpose.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Forty Thousand American inhabitants at Erzram were massacred by
+the Turks." <i>Zululand Times.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>More trouble for President <span class="smcap">Wilson</span>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/249.png"><img width="100%" src="images/249.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<h3>A WILLING VICTIM.</h3>
+
+<span class="smcap">John Bull</span> (<i>to <span class="smcap">Claude Duval McKenna</span>)</i>. "THIS HAS INDEED BEEN A PLEASANT
+MEETING. YOU'RE QUITE SURE YOU'VE GOT ALL YOU WANT?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span>
+</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, April 4th.</i>&mdash;When introducing a Budget designed to raise a
+revenue of seventy or eighty millions, Mr. <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> was wont to speak
+for four or five hours. Mr. <span class="smcap">McKenna</span>, confronted with the task of raising
+over five hundred millions, polished off the job in exactly seventy-five
+minutes. Mr. <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> used to consider it necessary to prepare the way
+for each new impost by an elaborate argument. That was all very well in
+peace-time. But we are at war, when more than ever time is money, and so
+Mr. <span class="smcap">McKenna</span> was content to rely upon the imperative formula of the
+gentlemen of the road, "Stand and deliver."</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 75%;">
+<a href="images/250-1.png"><img width="75%" src="images/250-1.png" alt="" /></a><br />
+
+A STUDY IN COMPARATIVE PHYSIOGNOMY.<br />
+
+<i>A Peace Budget.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <i>A War Budget.</i><br />
+<span class="smcap">Mr. Gladstone.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Mr. McKenna.</span></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>For a moment, it is true, he reverted to the old traditions of
+Budget-night. After observing that there was no parallel in history to
+the willingness to be taxed which had been displayed by the British
+people, he declared that it would be a mistake to drive this spirit of
+public sacrifice too hard. The difficulty which many people had in
+maintaining a standard of life suitable to their condition was described
+in such moving terms as to convince some of Mr. <span class="smcap">McKenna</span>'s more ingenuous
+hearers that the income-tax was not going to be raised after all.</p>
+
+<p>They were quickly disillusionised. The rich will have to contribute
+(with super-tax) close on half their incomes; the comparatively
+well-to-do a fourth; even the class to whose special hardships the
+<span class="smcap">Chancellor</span> had just made such pathetic allusion will have to pay an
+additional sixpence in the pound. If in the circumstances some of them
+feel inclined to echo <i>Sir Peter Teazle</i>'s remark to <i>Joseph</i>, "Oh, damn
+your sentiment," I think they may be excused.</p>
+
+<p>That, however, was Mr. <span class="smcap">McKenna</span>'s only lapse. The rest of his speech was
+ruthlessly and refreshingly practical. The millions were ticked off as
+rapidly, and almost as mechanically, as the two-pences in the other
+taxis. Five millions from cinemas, horse-races, and other amusements,
+three from railway tickets, seven from sugar, two from mineral waters,
+another two from coffee and cocoa (even the great Liberal drink cannot
+escape under a Cocoalition), and nearly a million from motor vehicles.</p>
+
+<p>Forty-five years ago Mr. <span class="smcap">Lowe</span> proposed to extract "<i>ex luce lucellum</i>"
+by putting a tax of a half-penny a box upon matches, and was duly
+punished for his pun. When the matchmakers of the East-end (quite as
+dangerous in their way as those of the West-end) marched in procession
+to the House of Commons, the Government bowed before the storm.
+Undeterred by their fate, Mr. <span class="smcap">McKenna</span> now proposes to put a tax of 4<i>d.</i>
+on every thousand matches, and expects to get two millions out of it.
+But it must not be forgotten that there are substitutes for matches; and
+I should not be surprised if Mr. <span class="smcap">McKenna</span> himself has to put up with a
+spill.</p>
+
+<p>Not much criticism was however to be heard to-night, though Mr. <span class="smcap">William
+O'Brien</span> gave it as his opinion that Ireland ought to be omitted from the
+Budget altogether. With him was Mr. <span class="smcap">Timothy Healy</span>, whose principal
+complaint was that the tax on railway tickets would put a premium on
+foreign travel. People would go to Paris instead of Dublin, and
+Switzerland instead of Killarney. Here somebody tactlessly reminded him
+that a war was going on in Europe, and shunted him on to a less
+picturesque line of argument.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 50%;">
+<a href="images/250-2.png"><img width="50%" src="images/250-2.png" alt="" /></a><br />Sir George Reid refreshingly cheerful.</div>
+
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, April 5th.</i>&mdash;Congratulations are due to the Earl of <span class="smcap">Meath</span> on
+a long-delayed triumph. For fifteen years he has been trying to convince
+the British Government that there is an institution called Empire Day.
+Throughout the Dominions, May 24th, <span class="smcap">Queen Victoria</span>'s birthday, is kept
+as a public holiday, and even in the Old Country, despite official
+discouragement, the Union Jack is hoisted on thousands of schools and
+saluted by millions of children. To the suggestion that the public
+offices should be similarly adorned the Government, under the erroneous
+belief that patriotism and militarism were identical, has hitherto
+maintained an unflagging opposition. But to-day Lord <span class="smcap">Crewe</span> admitted that
+the proposal was reasonable.</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="smcap">George Reid</span> has made the surprising discovery that there are a
+number of excellent speakers in the House of Commons who do not speak,
+but concentrate themselves upon the despatch of business. Perhaps this
+was his genial way of indicating the more obvious fact that there are
+others of a precisely opposite kind. He himself is an excellent speaker
+who speaks; but concentration is perhaps hardly his strongest point, and
+he wandered to-day over so many fields that the <span class="smcap">Chairman</span> had more than
+once, with obvious regret, to recall him to the strict path of the
+Finance Bill, which ultimately passed its first reading, amid cheers
+that it would have done the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span> good to hear.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Pemberton-Billing</span>, having been prevented by the Budget from making
+his usual Tuesday speech, delivered it to-day, and had a success which
+was, I trust, as gratifying to him as it was surprising to the House.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/251.png"><img width="100%" src="images/251.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Wife</i>. "<span class="smcap">Do you think the Zeppelins will come here</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Husband</i>. "<span class="smcap">Very possibly, I should say</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife</i>. "<span class="smcap">Then I shan't start the Spring cleaning</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>At the close of his now customary catalogue of the defects he has
+discovered in our air-service, he offered personally to organize raids
+upon the enemy's aircraft headquarters, and ventured to believe that he
+could bag as many Zeppelins in a day as the Government could bring down
+in a year by their present methods of misplaced guns and misplaced
+confidence.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Tennant</span> did not think our confidence was misplaced. But he would
+certainly accept Mr. <span class="smcap">Billing</span>'s offer, and would confer with him as to
+how to make the best use of his services. It seems probable, therefore,
+that for some little time the House will have to do without its weekly
+lecture from the Member for East Herts. Under the shadow of this
+impending bereavement Mr. <span class="smcap">Tennant</span> is bearing up as well as can be
+expected.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, April 6th.</i>&mdash;Everyone was delighted to see the <span class="smcap">Prime Minister</span>
+back in his place to-day after his three weeks' absence. Members on both
+sides cheered loudly and long as he entered the House. They also
+displayed a gratifying curiosity regarding his views on various
+subjects, and to that end had put down no fewer than thirty-two
+questions for his consideration. The amount of information they received
+was hardly commensurate with the industry displayed in framing them. Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Asquith</span> made, however, one announcement of great moment. The Government
+are now considering how many recruits they have got, and how many they
+still want. They will then announce their decision as to the method to
+be adopted for obtaining more, and will give a day for its discussion.
+This is to be done before Easter. Asked how long the House would adjourn
+for, Mr. <span class="smcap">Asquith</span> replied, with obvious sincerity, "I hope for some
+time."</p>
+
+<p>The great crisis of which we have heard so much in the newspapers is
+thus postponed. But a little crisis, not altogether unconnected with the
+other, had still to be resolved. The Government had a motion down to
+stop the payment of double salaries to Members on service, and to this
+Sir <span class="smcap">Frederick Banbury</span> had tabled an amendment providing that
+Parliamentary salaries should be dropped altogether. Mr. <span class="smcap">Duke</span> and other
+Unionists subsequently put down another amendment, designed to stop the
+discussion of the larger question on the ground that it was a breach of
+the party truce.</p>
+
+<p>The <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> however decided that Sir <span class="smcap">Frederick</span> was entitled to first cut
+at the Banbury cake. He made, as I thought, a very fair and not unduly
+partisan use of his opportunity, arguing that the conditions of
+Parliamentary life had changed since the War, and that as Members were
+no longer called upon to work hard they should save the country a
+quarter-of-a-million by dropping their salaries.</p>
+
+<p>No one, I think, was prepared for the tremendous blast of invective
+which came from Mr. <span class="smcap">Duke</span>. In language which seemed to cause some
+trepidation even to the Ministers he was supporting he denounced his
+right hon. friend for introducing "this stale and stinking bone of
+contention," and plainly hinted that it was part of a plot to get rid of
+the <span class="smcap">Prime Minister</span>. If that eminent temperance advocate, Sir <span class="smcap">Thomas
+Whittaker</span>, had not poured water into Mr. <span class="smcap">Duke</span>'s wine, and emptied the
+House in the process, there might have been a painful scene.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">"Disraeli."</span></p>
+
+<p>Our early-Victorian oligarchs disdained their <span class="smcap">Disraeli</span> as a mountebank
+because he wore the wrong waistcoats and had genius instead of
+common-sense. If he had grown to be the least like Mr. <span class="smcap">Louis Napoleon
+Parker's</span> <i>Disraeli</i>, if he had taken to standing over Governors of the
+Bank of England and forcing them to sign documents under threat of
+smashing up their silly old bank, if he had been such a judge of men as
+to have made that prize ass, <i>Lord Deeford</i>, his secretary, or conducted
+his <i>menage</i> at Downing Street in the highly diverting manner exhibited
+in Mr. <span class="smcap">Parker</span>'s second Act, one trembles to think what they would have
+called him&mdash;and done to him. And whether, if the Bank had ever had such
+a Governor as <i>Sir Michael Probert</i>, England would have ever been in a
+position to buy a single share in the Suez Canal or any other venture,
+is a question for the curious to consider.</p>
+
+<p>No wonder the Americans enjoyed <i>Disraeli</i>! <span class="smcap">Reinhardt</span> should pirate it
+for Berlin, as it would lend some colour to the imaginative Dr.
+<span class="smcap">Hellferich</span>'s airy dissertations on English finance. Can it be that our
+author is a hyphenated patriot in disguise and that this is merely a
+ramification of the so thorough German Press Bureau's activities? Perish
+the thought!</p>
+
+<p>At the opening of the play, with <i>Mr. Disraeli</i> and his wife as guests
+at Glastonbury Towers, all went well. The almost uncanny lifelikeness of
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Dennis Eadie</span>'s make-up, the steady flow of the great man's good
+things, which had been discerningly culled and quite skilfully put
+together, his swift parries and kindly thrusts, his charming tenderness
+towards that best of wives, the shining heroine of the crushed thumb,
+all this was admirable, was eminently believable&mdash;that is if you except
+the exaggerated futility and insolence of the aristocratic background.
+It was when the adventuress got going; when casements began to be
+mysteriously unlocked by fair hands, and pretty ears applied to
+key-holes at vital moments of quite improbable disclosures to more than
+improbable young men; when important despatches and secret codes began
+to be left about in conspicuous places, in rooms conveniently vacated
+for notoriously suspect plotters; when the Prime Minister began to
+bounce and prance and to lay booby traps, into which not his enemies but
+his incomparable secretary promptly blundered&mdash;it was then that things
+went crooked.</p>
+
+<p>It is perhaps not to be regretted. Nothing is more diverting to the
+perceptive playgoer than these little dramatic-simplicities; as when,
+the great Suez deal having been completed&mdash;a fact that it was enormously
+important to conceal from the Press and the country (and the
+adventuress)&mdash;a telegram with full details in the plainest of plain
+English is despatched from the local post-office to the great financier
+who had made the deal possible. The charming <i>na&iuml;vet&eacute;</i> of the family
+gathering at the Foreign Office (it might have been Mme. <span class="smcap">Tussaud</span>'s) and
+the adorable ingenuousness of the idea of bringing down a great
+international financier by holding up his cargo of bullion in a foreign
+port, should lead no one to complain that high politics are dull.</p>
+
+<p>I wouldn't have missed Mr. <span class="smcap">Dennis Eadie</span>'s <i>Disraeli</i> for a good deal.
+Where it was at all possible&mdash;which it was in general; Mr. <span class="smcap">Parker</span> only
+sprinkled his extravagances&mdash;the ease and plausibility of it were quite
+admirable. This adroit player gave us the tact, the wit, the gallantry,
+the generosity, the romantic exuberance. It was a fine performance, and
+it will be finer as its firm outline is filled in. The play, for all its
+vagaries, may even serve to remind a careless age of its too lightly
+forgotten spacious dead. Miss <span class="smcap">Mary Jerrold's</span> <i>Lady Beaconsfield</i> was, I
+suppose, more in the nature of an imaginary portrait. It was beautiful
+and convincing. As a stage adventuress <span class="smcap">Mme. Dorziat</span> was most attractive,
+if only she had been credible. She had no business to be in any of the
+situations in which she found herself, and must have needed all her
+skill to conceal the fact from herself. Miss <span class="smcap">Mary Glynne</span> as <i>The Lady
+Clarissa</i>, the portentous <i>Duchess of Glastonbury's</i> pretty daughter and
+the doomed bride of the egregious <i>Deeford</i>, was quite charming to watch
+and hear. Mr. <span class="smcap">Cyril Raymond</span> should, I am sure, mitigate the asinine
+priggishness of the young viscount's bearing in the First Act. His
+conversion from this to the merely crass stupidity of the second was too
+much for us to bear. Mr. <span class="smcap">Vincent Sternroyd</span> as Mr. <i>Hugh Meyers</i> looked
+quite as if he might have been able to put his hand on two million; Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Harben</span> as <i>Sir Michael Probert</i> just as if he would sign any document
+which was put before him under threat or suggestion. Mr. <span class="smcap">Campbell
+Gullan</span>, as the adventuress's husband, made himself the kind of clerk
+that no one would have trusted for a moment with even the petty cash.
+These things I know are necessary and I acquit him of any artistic
+impropriety. But you will go to see this piece chiefly for the sake of
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Eadie</span>'s <i>tour de force</i>, for the thrill of the rather pleasant
+sensation (mingled with a slightly horrified suspicion of sacrilege) of
+seeing a queer resurrection, and for the fragrance of a touching little
+idyll of married friendship&mdash;one of the most enduring of <i>Disraeliana</i>.
+
+T.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/252.png"><img width="100%" src="images/252.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p>"Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Merchant of Venice</i>, Act iii. Sc. I</p>
+
+<p><i>Benjamin Disraeli</i> ... Mr. <span class="smcap">Dennis Eadie</span>. <i>Mrs. Noel Travers</i> ... Mlle.
+<span class="smcap">Gabrielle Dorziat</span></p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>A Special Matin&eacute;e, at which the Queen will be present, is to be given at
+the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, at 2.30, on Friday, April 14th, in aid of
+of the Y. W. C. A.'s fund for providing Hostels, Canteens and Rest Rooms
+for women engaged in munition and other war-work. Among the artists who
+have promised to appear are Madame <span class="smcap">Sarah Bernhardt</span>, Miss <span class="smcap">Gladys Cooper</span>,
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Joseph Coyne</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Gerald du Maurier</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Dennis Eadie</span>, Miss <span class="smcap">Lily
+Elsie</span>, Madame <span class="smcap">Gen&eacute;e</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Robert Hale</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Charles Hawtrey</span>, Madame <span class="smcap">Kirkby
+Lunn</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">George Robey</span> and Miss <span class="smcap">Irene Vanbrugh</span>. The Matin&eacute;e has been
+organised by Miss <span class="smcap">Olga Nethersole</span>, and the stage will be under the
+direction of Mr. <span class="smcap">Dion Boucicault</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Applications for seats should be addressed to the Manager, Box Office,
+Theatre Royal, Drury Lane. Cheques to be made payable to Lady <span class="smcap">Sydenham</span>.</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span></p>
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/253.png"><img width="100%" src="images/253.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Officer (to Sentry on fire-step in the trenches</i>).
+"<span class="smcap">Anything to report, Sentry?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sentry (who has been gazing steadily at wire entanglements</i>), "<span class="smcap">All
+quiet, Sir, except them posts out there. If I watch 'em long enough they
+start forming fours."</span>.</p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>THEATRICAL ECONOMY.</h2>
+
+<p>We learn that at a recent matin&eacute;e performance of a play by Mr. W. B.
+<span class="smcap">Yeats</span>, "instead of scenery a Chorus of singers was introduced, who
+described the scene as well as commenting upon the action." In these
+times that call for frugality other managements would do well to copy.
+One might mount an entire West-End Society comedy, and bring as it were
+the scent of Hay Hill across the footlights, at no greater expense than
+the cost of a back-curtain and a Chorus. The latter might go something
+as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">This is the morning-room of the heroine's house in Half Moon Street;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Noble and large is the room, with three windows, two doors and a fireplace</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Goodness knows how many more in the wall through which we are looking).</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nobly and well is it furnished, with chairs and with tables and couches,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Couches beyond computation, and all of them soon to be sat on;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So may you see that the play will be dialogue rather than action.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Pleasant and fresh in the footlights the chintzes with which they are covered,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Giving a summer effect, helped out by the plants in the fireplace.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Curtains at each of the windows are flooded with limelight of amber,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whence you may learn that the time is a fine afternoon in the season.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Centre of back a piano, whose makers are told on the programme,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Promises snatches of song, or it may be a heartbroken solo.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Carpets and rugs and the like you can fill in without any prompting;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Pictures and china and books, and photographs circled in silver.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Yes, you may take it from us that the piece has been mounted regardless.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Enter the leading lady. She just pushes the back-curtains apart and
+emerges on to the stage, dressed in any old thing (what a saving!). The
+Chorus continues ecstatically.</i>]</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">See where the heroine comes, flinging open the door from the staircase</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Marked you the head of the stairs and the artist-proof on the landing?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That's what I call realistic). She's threaded her way through the couches,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sinks upon one for an instant, then rises and walks to the window,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Showing the back of her gown to be fully as chic as the front part.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So to the door (in the curtain) and slams it with signs of emotion,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Slams it so hard and so fierce that the walls of the room are a-quiver;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Even the opposite side of the roadway, as seen through the windows,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Shares in the general movement, as though it were struck by an earthquake.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>And so on. You catch the idea? Bare boards, a passion and a Chorus; and
+the management would save enough to make the amusement-tax a matter of
+indifference.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h3>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">V.&mdash;Swiss Cottage.</span></p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I heard a Jodeller</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">In a Swiss cottage</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Eating a crust</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And a bowlful of pottage.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He jodelled and jodelled</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'Twixt every bite;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He jodelled until</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Not a crumb was in sight.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He jodelled and jodelled</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'Twixt every sup;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He jodelled until</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He had drunk it all up.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He put down his bowl</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And he came to the door,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And jodelled and jodelled</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And jodelled for more!</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The exportation of the following goods is prohibited to all
+destinations:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Acetic acid, cinematograph films, ferro-molybdenum,
+ferro-silicon, ferro-tungsten, gramophone and other sound
+records, photographic sensitive firms, &amp;c., &amp;c." <i>Liverpool Daily Post.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Two photographers from Devonport, who had been already deferred
+ten groups, asked that their claims should be heard in camera." <i>Western Morning News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>No doubt they belonged to one of the sensitive firms above mentioned.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>ROOSEVELT IN THE RING.</h2>
+
+<p>Every Englishman who has taken even a very humble part in the
+consideration and discussion of public affairs is or ought to be aware
+that the most gratuitous error he can commit is to take a side in
+American politics and to criticise American public men from the British
+point of view. From that error I propose to abstain most rigorously. It
+is the right of Americans to criticise their own Government and the
+public acts of their statesmen, and on that right I shall not infringe.
+It cannot, however, be improper for an Englishman to set out before his
+fellow-countrymen the utterances of a great American on matters which
+vitally affect not only America but the whole civilised world. Mr.
+<i>Roosevelt</i>&mdash;for Mr. <i>Roosevelt</i> is the great American of whom I
+speak&mdash;has done more than give utterance to his opinions; he has
+deliberately collected them into a book, <i>Fear God and Take Your Own
+Part</i> (<span class="smcap">Hodder and Stoughton</span>), and has thus invited us to read and
+consider his views. I accept his invitation and trust I shall not abuse
+the privilege.</p>
+
+<p>It is a refreshment to go about with Mr. <span class="smcap">Roosevelt</span> through the pages of
+this book. Here are no doubts and no hesitations, no timidity and no
+blurred outlines. Everything is clear cut and well defined. Where Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Roosevelt</span> blames he blames with a vigour which is overwhelming; where he
+approves he approves with a resonant zeal and enjoyment. He has no drop
+of English blood in his veins&mdash;he himself has said it more than
+once&mdash;yet he is strong in his praise of our conduct and even stronger in
+his denunciation of the faithlessness and inhumanity of Germany. The
+contemplation of German atrocities and of what he considers to be
+America's weak compliance with them fills him with a rage which is
+fortunately articulate. His indictment of Germany is as vigorous as the
+most ardent pro-Ally can desire. It would be agreeable to watch the
+<span class="smcap">Kaiser</span>'s face if he should happen to take up this book in an idle moment
+between one front and another.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Roosevelt</span>'s position can be best defined in his own words. "We
+Americans," he says, "must pay to the great truths set forth by Lincoln
+a loyalty of the heart and not of the lips only. In this crisis I hold
+that we have signally failed in our duty to Belgium and Armenia, and in
+our duty to ourselves. In this crisis I hold that the Allies are
+standing for the principles to which Abraham Lincoln said this country
+was dedicated; and the rulers of Germany have, in practical fashion,
+shown this to be the case by conducting a campaign against Americans on
+the ocean, which has resulted in the wholesale murder of American men,
+women and children, and by conducting within our own borders a campaign
+of the bomb and the torch against American industries. They have carried
+on war against our people; for wholesale and repeated killing is war,
+even though the killing takes the shape of assassination of
+non-combatants, instead of battle against armed men."</p>
+
+<p>Here again is a passage which is not lacking in emphasis: "Of course,
+incidentally, we have earned contempt and derision by our conduct in
+connection with the hundreds of Americans thus killed in time of peace
+without action on our part. The United States Senator or Governor of a
+State or other public representative who takes the position that our
+citizens should not, in accordance with their lawful rights, travel on
+such ships, and that we need not take action about their deaths,
+occupies a position precisely and exactly as base and as cowardly (and I
+use those words with scientific precision) as if his wife's face were
+slapped on the public streets and the only action he took was to tell
+her to stay in the house."</p>
+
+<p>This, too, on the hyphenated is good: "As regards the German-Americans
+who assail me in this contest because they are really mere transported
+Germans, hostile to this country and to human rights, I feel, not
+sorrow, but stern disapproval. I am not interested in their attitude
+toward me, but I am greatly interested in their attitude toward this
+nation. I am standing for the larger Americanism, for true Americanism;
+and as regards my attitude in this matter I do not ask as a favour, but
+challenge as a right, the support of all good American citizens, no
+matter where born and no matter of what creed or national origin." That
+puts the matter in a nutshell.</p>
+
+<p>I might continue with pithy extracts until the columns of <i>Punch</i> were
+filled to overflowing, and even then I should not have exhausted the
+interest of this virile and timely book. The reading of it can only
+serve to confirm an Englishman's faith in his country's cause. Thank
+you, Mr. <span class="smcap">Roosevelt</span>, for your admirable tonic.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 75%;">
+<a href="images/254.png"><img width="75%" src="images/254.png" alt="" /></a><br />
+
+AFTER THE AIR RAID. "<span class="smcap">Are you hurt, Sir</span>?"<br />
+
+"<span class="smcap">Yes, but not half so badly as the chap who tried to pinch my
+souvenir</span>."</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h3>VICTORIA.</h3>
+
+<p>He entered the train at St. James' Park&mdash;a dark-eyed young Belgian
+wearing the new khaki uniform of <span class="smcap">King Albert's</span> heroic Army. I had
+watched him hobbling along the platform, and my own boots and puttees
+being coated with mud after a day's trench-digging in Surrey I drew them
+in as he took the corner seat opposite mine, stretching out rather
+stiffly before him the leg which had no doubt stopped a Bosch's bullet.
+Here was the opportunity for an interesting exchange of views. I was
+mentally rehearsing a few bright opening sentences in French when the
+train again stopped. Half twisting in his seat he peered uncertainly out
+of window.</p>
+
+<p>"Victoria," I informed him; but he obviously didn't understand. I raised
+my voice.</p>
+
+<p>"Victoria Station," I told him again. "Er&mdash;er, <i>Victoire</i>."</p>
+
+<p>His stick fell clattering to the floor, his mouth broadened into a
+fraternal smile and, seizing both my hands, he worked them like
+pump-handles.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Ah, bon, bon! &Agrave; la victoire! Vivent les Alli&eacute;s!</i>"</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="smcap">Brazil</span>.&mdash;The British Consul at Porto Alegre states that there
+appears to be a prospect of the work of repaying the town being
+carried out in the near future. The contract provides for the
+repaving of an area of 500,000 square miles at a total cost of
+&pound;223,200." <i>Morning Paper</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>If these figures are correct Porto Alegre must have the record for cheap
+paving, always excepting an even warmer place where good intentions are
+the material employed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%;">
+<a href="images/255-gray.png"><img width="100%" src="images/255-gray.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Sergeant-Major (lecturing the young officers of a new
+battalion of an old regiment</i>). <span class="smcap">"You 'aven't got to make traditions;
+you've only got to keep 'em. You was the Blankshire Regiment in 1810.
+You are the Blankshire Regiment in 1916. Never more clearly 'as 'istory
+repeated itself."</span>.</p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h3>"CONKY'S" UNCLE.</h3>
+
+<p>There are some men whose patronymics are swallowed up in their
+nicknames, and my friend "Conky" is one of these. He has quite a
+decorative surname of his own, but it never counted. For the rest he is
+the possessor of a big booming bass voice, which he uses with more gusto
+than art. He is, apart from a certain pride in his musical
+accomplishments, a very good fellow; and so is Mrs. "Conky"&mdash;an amiable
+and agreeable woman, whose only fault is an excessive anxiety for the
+comfort of her guests, leading her at times to forget, in the words of
+the Chinese proverb, that "inattention is often the highest form of
+civility."</p>
+
+<p>They are a devoted couple, and the only cloud on their happiness was
+caused by Conky's expectations from a mysterious and eccentric uncle.
+For a long time I was inclined to disbelieve in his existence, as he
+never "materialised." But I was converted from my scepticism, some three
+years ago, when, on meeting Conky, I was informed that Uncle Joseph had
+invited himself on a short visit. My friend betrayed a certain
+agitation. "You know," he said, "it is twenty years since I saw him
+last, when he came to look me up at school, and rather frightened me."</p>
+
+<p>"Frightened you! But how?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see, he's got a way of thinking aloud, and it's rather
+embarrassing. I don't mind being called 'Conky,' as you know, but it was
+rather trying to hear him say, 'I hope his nose has stopped growing.'
+However, I couldn't very well put him off now. I'm his only nephew; he's
+an old man, and said to be very rich." Conky sighed, but added more
+hopefully, "Anyhow, I'm sure Marjorie will rise to the occasion."
+Personally I was by no means so sure. I felt that Marjorie might overdo
+it: also that Conky, who loved the sound of his voice, might be tempted
+to soothe the old man with intempestive gusts of song.</p>
+
+<p>Unhappily my misgivings were realised. A few weeks later, on my way home
+from the club, I called in late one afternoon on the Conkys. They
+greeted me cordially as usual, but I could see something was amiss, and
+soon it all came out. The visit had been a fiasco. Uncle Joseph had been
+very friendly and even courteous, but at intervals he thought aloud with
+devastating frankness. Marjorie had exhausted herself in the labours of
+hospitality, but all in vain. Conky had sung, but the voice of the
+charmer had failed. And just as Uncle Joseph was going he observed in a
+final burst of candour, "Goo-ood people, very goo-ood people; but
+<i>she</i>'s a second-rate Martha, and <i>he</i> sings like a bank-holiday
+trombone-player on Blackpool sands."</p>
+
+<p>From that day till a week ago I never heard Conky or his wife allude to
+Uncle Joseph. The memory was too painful. And yet it is impossible to
+deny that the experience was salutary. Marjorie is certainly less
+overwhelming in her hospitality, and Conky less prodigal of song. And
+when Conky told me last week that Uncle Joseph had died and left him
+&pound;10,000, I felt that the old man had atoned handsomely for his
+unconscious indulgence in a habit for which, after all, a good deal was
+to be said.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<h3><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)</i></h3>
+
+<p>The latest of our novelists to succumb to the temptations of the school
+story is Mr. E. F. <span class="smcap">Benson</span>; and I am pleased to add that in <i>David
+Blaize</i> (<span class="smcap">Hodder and Stoughton</span>) he seems to have scored a notable
+success. It is the record of a not specially distinguished, but entirely
+charming, lad during his career at his private and public schools.
+Incidentally, as such records must, it becomes the history of certain
+other boys, two especially, and of <i>David</i>'s relations with them. It is
+this that is the real motive of the book. The friendship between
+<i>Maddox</i> and <i>David</i>, its dangers and its rewards, seems to me to have
+been handled with the rarest delicacy and judgment. The hazards of the
+theme are obvious. There have been books in plenty before now that,
+essaying to navigate the uncharted seas of schoolboy friendship, have
+foundered beneath the waves of sloppiness that are so ready to engulph
+them. The more credit then to Mr. <span class="smcap">Benson</span> for bringing his barque
+triumphantly to harbour. To drop metaphor, the captious or the forgetful
+may call the whole sentimental&mdash;as if one could write about boys and
+leave out what is the greatest common factor of the race. But the
+sentiment is never mawkish. There is indeed an atmosphere of clean,
+fresh-smelling youth about the book that is vastly refreshing.
+Friendship and games make up the matter of it; there is nothing that I
+could repeat by way of plot; but if you care for a close and sympathetic
+study of boyhood at its happiest here is the book for your money.
+Finally I may mention that, though in sympathetic studies of boyhood the
+pedagogue receives as a rule scant courtesy, Mr. <span class="smcap">Benson's</span> masters are
+(with one unimportant exception) such delightful persons that I can only
+hope that they are actual and not imaginary portraits.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>You will get quite a serviceable impression of what the highlands and
+highlanders of Serbia and Montenegro were like in war, behind the lines
+when the lines still held, from <i>The Luck of Thirteen</i> (<span class="smcap">Smith, Elder</span>),
+by <span class="smcap">Jan Gordon</span> (colourist) and <span class="smcap">Cora</span> his wife, if you are not blinded by
+the perpetual flashes of brightness&mdash;such flashes as "somebody had
+gnawed a piece from one of the wheels" as an explanation of jolting;
+"the twistiest stream, which seemed as though it had been designed by a
+lump of mercury on a wobbling plate;" the trees in the mist "seemed to
+stand about with their hands in their pockets, like vegetable
+Charlie&mdash;&mdash;" But no! I am hanged if I will write the accurs&eacute;d name. This
+plucky pair of souls had put in some stiff months of typhus-fighting
+with a medical mission in the early months of the war, and these are
+impressions of the holiday which they took thereafter among those
+fateful hills, with a little carrying of despatches, retrieving of
+stores and a good deal of parasite-hunting thrown in, until they were
+finally caught up in the tragic Serbian retreat; still remaining, of
+course, incurably "bright." I think I detect a certain amount of the
+too-British attitude that contemns what is strange and is more than a
+little scornful of poverty, official and private. And I suppose the
+artist's wife will scoff if I tell her that I was shocked that she
+should have taken some shots at the Austrians with a Montenegrin machine
+gun, as if war was just a cock-shy for tourists. But I was. If Mr. <span class="smcap">Jan
+Gordon</span> found a good deal more colour in his subjects than we other
+fellows would have been able to see, that's what an artist's for.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%;">
+<a href="images/256.png"><img width="100%" src="images/256.png" alt="" /></a>
+
+<p>SALVE.</p>
+
+<p><i>Returning Soldier</i>. <span class="smcap">"'Ullo, Mother!"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>His Wife (with stoic self-control).</i> <span class="smcap">"'Ullo, Fred. Better wipe yer
+boots before you come in&mdash;after them muddy trenches."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>In <i>Jitny and the Boys</i> (<span class="smcap">Smith, Elder</span>) there are those elements of
+patriotism, humour and pathos which I find so desirable in War-time
+books. <i>Jitny</i> was neither man nor woman, but a motor-car, and without
+disparaging those who drove her and rode in her I am bound to say that
+she was as much alive as any one of them. She certainly talked&mdash;or was
+responsible for&mdash;a lot of motor-shop, and I took it all in with the
+greatest ease and comfort. <i>Jitny</i> indeed is a great car, but she is not
+exactly the heroine of a novel. She is just the sit-point from which a
+very human family surveys the world at a time when that world is
+undergoing a vast upheaval. In the father of this family Mr. <span class="smcap">Bennet
+Copplestone</span> has scored an unqualified success, but the boys are perhaps
+a little old for their years. This, however, is no great matter, for the
+essential fact is that the book is full of the thoughts which make us
+proud to-day and help us to face to-morrow. Yes, <i>Jitny</i> has my
+blessing.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>Little Willie goes for more Loot.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"In the Woevre the Germans attempted on three occasions to
+capture from us an earthquake."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Evening News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>A schoolgirl's translation:&mdash;"<i>La marquise recommanda son &acirc;me &agrave; Dieu</i>."
+"The Marquis wished his donkey good-bye."</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<blockquote><p>"A number of officers in the province of Yunnan, China, hatched
+a plot to behead the Governor-General at Urumtsi, and proclaim
+the independence of the province of Sinkiang. The Governor,
+discovering the plot, invited ten of the conspirators to an
+official dinner, at which he beheaded them in turn."&mdash;<i>Reuter</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>"Another glass of wine, Mr. Wung Ti?" "No? Very well, then, if you would
+kindly stand up a moment and place your neck on the back of your
+chair&mdash;&mdash; Thank you. After the savoury I shall have the pleasure of
+calling upon the next on my list, Mr. Ah Sin," and so on. Quite a jolly
+dinner-party.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, April 12, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1806 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+April 12, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, April 12, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: December 5, 2007 [EBook #23746]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jane Hyland, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150.
+
+APRIL 12, 1916
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Junior Sub._ "THE COLONEL SAYS WILL YOU DISMISS THE PARADE, SIR?"
+_Newly-mounted Captain._ "CONFOUND IT! DO IT YOURSELF, SMITH. I'M BUSY
+RIDING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+We are in a position to state that the efficiency of Germany's new
+submersible Zeppelins has been greatly exaggerated.
+
+       ***
+
+Many schemes for coping with our L2,100,000,000 War indebtedness are
+before the authorities, and at least one dear old lady has written
+suggesting that they should hold a bazaar.
+
+       ***
+
+It is stated that the monkey market at Constantinople, which for
+hundreds of years has supplied the baboons found in Turkish harems, has
+closed down. German competition is said to be responsible for the
+incident.
+
+       ***
+
+The Government's indifference to the balloon type of aircraft has
+received a further illustration. They have rejected Highgate's fat
+conscript.
+
+       ***
+
+German scientists are now making explosives out of heather. Fortunately
+the secret of making Highlanders out of the same material still remains
+in our hands.
+
+       ***
+
+Deference to one's superiors in rank is all very well up to a point, but
+we should never go so far as to allow an article by a titled
+war-correspondent to be headed "The Great Offensive at Verdun."
+
+       ***
+
+British songsters, says a writer in _The Daily Chronicle_, are now being
+illegally used to regale the wealthy gourmets of the West End in place
+of the foreign varieties, which can no longer be imported. For
+ourselves, who are nothing if not British, we are glad of any sign that
+native musicians are coming by their own.
+
+       ***
+
+The practice of interning travellers in Tube and other stations during
+the progress of Zeppelin raids on the North-East Coast having become
+extremely popular, it is suggested that some much-needed revenue might
+be obtained by imposing a small tax--a penny, say, per hour--upon those
+who thus enjoy the protection and hospitality of our railways.
+
+       ***
+
+It is officially announced that Oxford is to have no more Rhodes
+Kolossals.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord ROBERT CECIL admitted in Parliament last week that the contraband
+list is to be enlarged, and it is rumoured that, notwithstanding the
+serious effect the step may have in the United States and elsewhere, the
+list will be extended to include munitions of war.
+
+       ***
+
+A prominent City barber points out to an _Evening News_ correspondent
+that it would be most unfortunate if the high cost of shaves should
+result in a discontinuance of the practice of tipping the operator, and
+adds that only two of the services have increased in price. He means, of
+course, to draw attention to the fact that sporting chatter, dislocation
+of the neck, and the removal of superfluous portions of the ears are
+still provided free of charge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Anti-Climax.
+
+From a _feuilleton_ (showing what our serial fictionists have to put up
+with):--
+
+    "'To-morrow?' repeated Rosalie, dully. 'I'm afraid I can't
+    to-morrow.'
+
+    To-morrow----!
+
+    There will be another fine instalment to-morrow."--_Daily
+    Mirror._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OF COCOA
+
+AND CERTAIN OLD ASSOCIATIONS REVIVED BY A DRAUGHT OF THIS NUTRITIOUS
+BEAN.
+
+["The rate on cocoa is raised from 1-1/2_d._ to 6_d._ per lb." (Loud
+cheers).
+
+_The CHANCELLOR'S Budget Speech._]
+
+  Now, ere the price thereof goes soaring up,
+    Ere yet the devastating tax comes in,
+  I wish to wallow in the temperate cup
+    (Loud cheers) that not inebriates, like gin;
+  Ho, waiter! bring me--nay, I do not jest--
+        A cocoa of the best!
+
+  Noblest of all non-alcoholic brews,
+    Rich nectar of the Nonconformist Press,
+  Tasting of CADBURY and _The Daily News_,
+    Of passive martyrs and the law's distress,
+  And redolent of the old narcotic spice
+        Of peace-at-any-price--
+
+  What memories, how intolerably sweet,
+    Hover about its fat and unctuous fumes!
+  Of Little England and a half-baked Fleet,
+    Of German friendship pure as vernal blooms,
+  And that dear country's hallowed right to dump
+        Things on us in the lump;
+
+  Of tropic isles whereon this beverage springs,
+    And niggers sweating out their pagan souls;
+  Of British workmen, flattered even as kings,
+    So to secure their suffrage at the polls;
+  Of liberty for all to go on strike
+        Just when and where they like.
+
+  I would renew these wistful dreams to-night;
+    For, since upon my precious nibs, when ground,
+  McKENNA's minions, with to-morrow's light,
+    Will plant a tax of sixpence in the pound,
+  My sacred memories, cheap enough before,
+        Will clearly cost me more.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SCRAP OF PAPER.
+
+I look all right, and I feel all right, but the doctor said the Army was
+no place for me. Having given me a piece of paper which said so, he
+looked over my head and called out, "Next, please." It was with this
+document I was going to produce a delicious thrill--what I might call an
+"electric" moment. I carefully rehearsed what should happen, though I
+was not quite sure what attitude to adopt--whether to give the
+impression that I was a member of a pacific society, look elaborately
+unconcerned or truculently youthful. This, I decided, had better be left
+to the psychological moment.
+
+I would take my seat or strap in the crowded tram or train. Observing
+that I wore neither khaki nor armlet someone would want to know why "a
+big, strong, healthy-looking fellow like you was not in the Army." I
+should then try to look pacific or elaborately--see above again. But I
+should say nothing. My studied silence would annoy everybody. I was
+quite sure of this, because I really can do that sort of silence very
+well. The inevitable old woman with a bundle would fix me with her
+watery eye. "The man in the street," who, of course, would now be in the
+tram or train, would give a brief history of his three sons and one
+brother-in-law at the Front. The armleted conductor (we are now in the
+tram) would give my ticket a very rude punch and my penny a very angry
+stare. When I was quite sure I had been set down as a slacker, I should
+produce the doctor's certificate of exemption. In my ultra-polite
+manner, which is nearly as good as my annoying silence, I should hand it
+to the man whose three sons and one brother-in-law had evidently been
+writing for more cigarettes. I would then say, "I know you can talk. It
+is possible you can read. Would you be good enough to read aloud this
+certificate?" It would be read and then handed back to me. I would fold
+it carefully and place it in my inside pocket. Looking very tenderly at
+the long row of rebuked countenances, I should get up and make for the
+door. This would be the delicious thrill, the electric moment. The
+following is what _did_ happen.
+
+I was on the Tube. Conditions were favourable, as Sir OLIVER LODGE would
+say to Mrs. PIPER. The old woman with the bundle was not there, but the
+shop-girl with three regimental brooches was. Everything was going as
+well as I could have wished. The shop-girl closed her novel and fingered
+her brooches. A fat old gentleman sniffed vigorously, and someone asked
+why "a big, strong, healthy, etc., etc." Nobody seemed to be impressed
+by my splendid silence, but it was there all the same, and somebody was
+going to be very sorry before he got home. I touched my tie and lit a
+fresh cigarette. The air was tense. I could almost see my electric
+moment walking down the compartment to meet me. We were nearing a
+station. I felt in my pocket.
+
+I had left the certificate at home!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOME HELPS FOR NON-COMBATANTS.
+
+THE ARMY AND NAVY EXEMPTIONS SUPPLY ASSOCIATION, LIMITED, offer
+facilities for the evasion of military service.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ladies supplied to act as Widowed Stepmothers to young Slackers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Gentlemen not desirous of serving should inspect one of our Bijou
+Residences. Bath (h. and c.); rent inclusive. District enjoys best water
+supply and most lenient Exemption Tribunal in the Home Counties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Persons requiring the Loan of Children may obtain these useful aids to
+exemption in lots of not less than half-a-dozen (mixed), by the day,
+week, or month, as desired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLAT FOOT IN TWELVE DAYS! A GENUINE DISCOVERY.
+
+Gentlemen wishing to acquire this useful impediment may do so with
+secrecy and despatch on application (with fee). No _permanent_
+disability need be feared, a certain cure being guaranteed within one
+calendar month after date of signing peace, upon payment of a further
+fee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEARN TO FAINT.
+
+One Correspondence Course will teach you this useful art in two and a
+half lessons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Do you want not to go to the Front? Then try our LITTLE WHITE LIVER
+PILLS and you will never have another worry. _Dose:_ One, once. Sold
+everywhere.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO LOOK OLD. A USEFUL WRINKLE.
+
+No more worry. No matter _how_ youthful your appearance, in TEN MINUTES
+we can make you look
+
+  AS GREY AS GRANDPA.
+
+Call and inspect our appliances. They will convince you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Are you a MAN OF GENIUS? And young? And in perfect health? We will see
+that you are saved for your country. In the words of one of our exempted
+clients:--
+
+  "For why should youth aglow with gifts divine
+  Be driven forth to glut the foreign swine?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GRAPES OF VERDUN.
+
+THE OLD FOX. "YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING MUCH NEARER THEM."
+
+THE CUB. "NO, FATHER. HADN'T WE BETTER GIVE IT OUT THAT THEY'RE SOUR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _His Fiancee._ "HE HAD VERY BAD LUCK. HE WAS KNOCKED OVER
+BY A RICOCHET."
+
+_Her Aunt._ "REALLY? I DIDN'T KNOW THE GERMANS HAD ANY NATIVE TROOPS
+FIGHTING FOR THEM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+XXXVII.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--This letter is written in England, but the reason for
+my presence here is not to be dismissed in a breath or mentioned first
+anyhow. It is to be led up to gradually, the music being stopped and the
+audience being asked to refrain from shuffling their feet about and
+coughing when we come to the critical moment.
+
+Reviewing my military career, I do not look upon myself as great; I look
+upon myself rather as very great. Even at the beginning of it I had a
+distinct way with me. I would say to fifty men, "Form fours," and sure
+enough they would form them. I would then rearrange my ideas and say,
+"Form two-deep," and there, in the twinkling of an eye, was your two
+deep. This is not common, I think; it was just something in me, some
+peculiar gift for which I was not responsible. So pleasing was the
+effect that I would sometimes go on repeating the process for ten
+minutes or so, and every time it fell out exactly as I said it would, no
+one ever daring to suggest that the sooner I settled down to a definite
+policy, whether in fours or twos, the sooner the War would end.
+
+For six months I continued performing this difficult and dangerous work,
+only once making the mistake of ordering my men to take a left turn and
+myself taking a right one. Fortunately this happened in a local town of
+tortuous by-ways, and so it fell out that I and my platoon only met
+again later in the day; and a most touching meeting it was. Discussing
+the matter afterwards with my C.O., I inclined to the view that it was
+an accident which I, for my part, was quite ready to forgive and forget.
+My C.O. was, however, out of sorts at the moment; in fact he let his
+tongue run away with him. He even proposed to put me on the Barrack
+Square for a month, a suggestion which caused my Adjutant (who was
+interfering as usual) to smile quite unpleasantly. I just looked them
+straight in the face and said nothing. This, I think, was little short
+of masterly on my part, since I knew all the time, and knew that they
+know, that there was in fact no Barrack Square thereabouts to put me on.
+
+After this my men did so extraordinarily well that I became a marked
+man. I was, in fact, invited to step over to France and to give some
+practical demonstrations in the art of making war. To pack a few
+articles into a bag and to parade my men was with me the work of a
+moment. Before starting it was, however, proper to address a pre-battle
+speech to them. Silence was enjoined and I spoke, spoke simply and
+honestly as a great soldier should. "Form fours," said I, and paused
+dramatically. "Form two-deep," I continued, and my meaning was
+understood. "Form fours," I concluded ... and we were ready for the
+worst.
+
+So we moved away for the Field. We did this, I remember, at 5 A.M. Not a
+moment was to be lost. Our train started at noon and we had three miles
+to march to the station. Running it pretty close, wasn't it?
+
+Never shall I forget the anxious faces which greeted our arrival at the
+French port. "Nip up to the trenches," said O.C. megaphone, "and save
+the situation if you can." Up to the trenches we nipped, covering the
+distance of sixty miles in less than three weeks. There was no doubt
+about our willingness and ability to do as we were told; our only
+difficulty was to discover in the dark where the situation was. Never
+shall I forget the tense strain that first night, my men standing to
+arms through the long hours, with their rifles pointing into the
+darkness beyond. But not a shot was fired, and when dawn broke all was
+well. True, the first light revealed the fact that I had got us all with
+our backs to the enemy, so that if there had been a battle it would have
+been between ourselves and Mr. Jones's platoon. But you can't have
+everything; and sense of direction never was my strong point. Never
+shall I forget our first breakfast in the trenches. It consisted of
+bacon and eggs, marmalade and tea. How strange and novel an experience
+it was to be at war!
+
+Never shall I forget.... Now I know there was something else, but there
+are such a lot of things that I am never going to forget about this War
+that I cannot be expected to remember them all. It was something about
+someone not shaving, and being in the rear rank while the front rank was
+being inspected, and in the front rank while the rear rank was being
+inspected. It was by such brilliance of strategy as this that I was able
+to do the Bosch out of that little dinner he meant to have in Paris. It
+was owing to the same, and to my being overheard to remark that I could
+run the blessed War by myself better than this, that I was given a pen
+and a piece of blotting-paper and told to carry on. After which, of
+course, the wretched Bosch never even got as far as Calais.
+
+Truly a remarkable man! But hear the crisis of my career.
+
+This letter is written in England. If you would only read your morning
+paper properly, you would know why. Looking down the Births Column to
+see if anybody you know has been born, you would have noticed that We,
+Henry, are the father of a son, a tall, good-looking fellow, who weighs
+eight, eighteen or eighty pounds (I could not be sure which) and is a
+man of few words, obviously the strong silent sort.
+
+On hearing the news we at once reported our achievement to the Staff and
+asked what we were to do about it. We were informed that, as far as we
+were concerned, the War stood adjourned for eight days. Later, as we
+stood in the street trying to think it all out and to remodel our
+demeanour so as to suggest the responsibility and respectability of a
+father, we were asked severely why we were standing idle, and told that,
+unless we were seen forthwith moving off for England at the double,
+action would be taken. So home, where we were very respectfully saluted
+by the New Draft. A strange but nice woman who had the parade in hand
+invited us to come a little closer, but this we refused to do, giving as
+our reason that we were beginning as we meant to go on and that undue
+familiarity is bad for discipline. We then addressed a few kind words to
+the Lady in the Case, who appeared to take it all very much as a matter
+of course, and with her discussed future dispositions. The Army and the
+Bar were negatived at once; it was suggested (not by us) that we have
+already in our small family an example sufficiently fortunate of both.
+He will be a sailor or a financier. There is something about sailors; it
+is always a pleasure and a pride to take one of them out to dinner in a
+public place, especially if he's your own. On the other hand the
+financier alternative is suggested with a view to the possibility (as
+things tend) that it may be he who has to take us out to dinner.
+
+  Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "WELL, JANE, WHAT SORT OF NEWS HAVE YOU FROM
+YOUR YOUNG MAN AT THE FRONT?"
+
+_Jane._ "FATAL, MUM."
+
+_Mistress._ "DEAR, DEAR! I'M VERY SORRY----"
+
+_Jane._ "YES, MUM. 'E'S BROKE IT OFF, MUM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The fall of rain during February in Exeter amounted to 5.39
+    inches. During the same month 80 hours 58 mins. of sunshine were
+    recorded, being an average of 2 hours 42 mins. per day. The
+    chief tradesmen of the district are responsible for this
+    gratifying result."
+
+    _Express and Echo (Exeter)._
+
+They seem to be easily satisfied down in the West. If London tradesmen
+take to purveying the weather we shall want a little less rain and a
+good deal more sunshine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN PRAISE OF PUSSY.
+
+    [Professor ROBERT WALLACE, of Edinburgh University, has been
+    defending the cat as a useful member of society and a defence
+    against the ravages of plague, and encourages the breeding,
+    collecting and distributing of types of cats known to be
+    "superior ratters."]
+
+  In these days of stress and passion
+  Feline charms are out of fashion,
+    And the cult of Pasht is coldly looked upon;
+  But cat-lovers may take solace
+  From the words of ROBERT WALLACE,
+    Who's a scientific Edinboro' don.
+
+  Cats as lissome merry minxes,
+  Or impenetrable Sphinxes--
+    Leonine, aloof, impassive, topaz-eyed--
+  Leave our staid professor chilly,
+  For he clearly thinks it silly
+    To regard them from the decorative side.
+
+  It is _not_ their grace, now serious,
+  Now malicious, now mysterious,
+    That appeals to his utilitarian mind;
+  But, when viewed as extirpators
+  Of disease-disseminators,
+    Then he looks with admiration on their kind.
+
+  For if cats should ever shun us
+  Rats with plague would overrun us,
+    And they're bad enough on economic grounds;
+  For their annual depredation
+  On the food-stuffs of the nation
+    He would estimate at twenty million pounds.
+
+  True, O Puss, romance is lacking
+  In your latest champion's backing,
+    But at least he isn't talking through his hat;
+  And if, after all, what matters
+  Is to have "superior ratters"--
+    Well, he pays the highest homage to the Cat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEROISM.
+
+There are heroes and heroes. All heroes are heroes: that is certain. But
+there are some heroes whose heroism involves more thought (shall I
+say?), more material, than that of others, who are heroic in a kind of
+rush, without any premeditation--heroic by instinct. Now it seems to me
+that the rewards of the more complex heroes ought--but let me
+illustrate.
+
+I have a friend who is a hero. The other day in France he did one of the
+most desperate things, and did it apparently as a matter of course; and
+he is to have the V.C. for it. But is the V.C. enough'? If it's enough
+for the instinctive heroes, is it enough for him? That is my question.
+The secret history of his deed is known only to me and to himself, and
+when I give you an idea of it you will be able to answer.
+
+I will tell you.
+
+Never mind what the deed was. All I will say is that it is comparable to
+the glorious feat of Lieutenant WARNEFORD, who bombed the Zeppelin from
+above and sent it crashing down. My friend is an aviator too, and since
+I am not allowed to describe his great performance in detail let us
+pretend that it was an exact replica of the WARNEFORD triumph. Armed
+with his bombs he saw the approaching Zepp and flew high, six or seven
+thousand feet, to get above it. So far he had merely obeyed the dictates
+of his brave impulsive nature. He had given no thought to the chances of
+danger or death, but had flown direct to his duty. So far he was
+instinctive. But my friend, as well as being unusually brave, is a
+singularly retiring kind of man. He hates publicity, ostentation. Very
+shy and very quiet, he moves about the world unperceived, and has all
+the reluctances of the anchorite. Nothing but his deep feeling about the
+War could have got him to do anything as prominent as aviation, so that
+it is not unnatural that, as he mounted higher and higher and came
+nearer and nearer to the desired point over the Zepp, he should suddenly
+realise what it would mean for him if he succeeded in bringing it down.
+
+Not that he had too much time for such reflections, for until the
+envelope intervened between him and the Zepp's marksmen he was being
+blazed at steadily. Bullets whistled about him. But one thinks swiftly,
+and in a flash he saw the extremely distasteful consequences to
+humility, and the dislocation of his secluded way of life if, dropping
+his bombs accurately, he earned (as he was bound to do) the Victoria
+Cross. All this he saw, and was properly furious at his bad luck--at the
+trick that destiny had played on him. He then dropped the bombs, the
+envelope ignited, and the Zepp, with its crew and its deadly cargo, fell
+to earth and was blown to atoms.
+
+Now my point is that for such a hero as my friend, whose whole soul is
+to be outraged by publicity and _reclame_, and much of whose dearly
+loved privacy is to be lost for ever, there ought to be a V.C. above and
+beyond the ordinary V.C.--a super V.C.; for he performed not one deed,
+but two: he not only destroyed the Zepp but he surrendered his
+sanctuary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Exhibition of Mr. Punch's War Cartoons is now being held at the
+Leicester Galleries, Leicester Square.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE PRINCE OF ARTILLERYMEN
+
+WHO RECENTLY BROUGHT DOWN A ZEPPELIN.
+
+  When, Gunner, through the breech you passed
+    That winged messenger of death,
+  And having made the breech-block fast,
+    With pounding heart and bated breath
+  Drew back the rod of tempered steel
+    That frees the charge and fires the fuse,
+  I would have given much to feel
+    My feet in your distinguished shoes.
+
+  But when your deadly missile burst
+    Right on the rover, checked his speed,
+  And made him rock like one whose thirst
+    Has frankly caused him to exceed,
+  You must have felt as feels a god
+    To whom whole nations bend the knee--
+  Whichever of the dozen odd
+    Disputant gunners you may be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Who can tell but what Rumania's watchful eye will yet sound the
+    bugle note which at the psychological moment will unite the
+    Balkan thrones?"--_Shanghai Mercury._
+
+Rumania seems to have something more than a speaking eye. It even plays
+tunes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a German paper quoted by _The Times_:--
+
+    "The German people fully recognises the nicely retiring manner
+    of the Kaiser during this war."
+
+The Allies are confident that it will receive further recognition before
+long.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In an article entitled "The Superiority of German Strategy" the
+_Frankfurter Zeitung_ says:--
+
+
+    "The road before us is, however, long and calls for great
+    achievements. We are not lacking in strength. Let us wait and
+    see."
+
+Mr. ASQUITH is wondering what this flattery portends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "I have spoken of the good there is in grooves, in the groovy
+    way of life ... Who can be blind to the fact that life in a
+    groove leads to bigotry and nar-grooves, in the groovy way of
+    life?"
+
+    "_Claudius Clear_" in "_The British Weekly._"
+
+Not we. We have never been blind to anything of the sort.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Little Lady, during all these months thoughts entirely with
+    you, treasuring up unbleaching memory of happy hours spent
+    together."--_Advertisement in "The Times._"
+
+Presumably in the wash-house. Unless some confusion arose, in the mind
+of the advertiser, between dying and bleaching.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECONOMY IN DRESS: THE NEW SMARTNESS.
+
+[Illustration: "IT'S LOVELY, BUT I'M AFRAID THIRTY GUINEAS IS TOO MUCH
+FOR ME."
+
+"IT _IS_ A GOOD DEAL, BUT MADAM MUST REMEMBER THIS A GENUINE OLD DRESS.
+WE GUARANTEE IT TO HAVE BEEN IN CONSTANT WEAR FOR AT LEAST FIVE YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY! THAT'S A SMART FROCK, IF YOU LIKE!"
+
+"H'M, YES. BUT IT'S ONLY IMITATION--NOT REAL OLD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I LIKE IT, BUT IT LOOKS DREADFULLY NEW."
+
+"IF YOU FEEL THAT, MADAM, MIGHT I SUGGEST THAT YOU HAVE IT SOILED BY OUR
+SPECIAL PROCESS? WE ONLY CHARGE THREE GUINEAS EXTRA."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "COME ALONG, MABEL. DON'T MAKE YOUR MOUTH WATER LOOKING
+IN THERE. OLD CLOTHES ARE NOT FOR THE LIKES OF US."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "And how did you _know_ when you were
+wounded?"
+
+_Tommy._ "SAW IT IN _THE DAILY MAIL._"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MATCH PLAY.
+
+Since the Budget was produced the match-mendicant is at work more
+industriously than ever, patting his pockets and looking round
+expectantly at his fellow-travellers. The surreptitious filling of
+private boxes in restaurants and club smoke-rooms is rapidly on the
+increase. Yet if men would only meet the proposed match-tax calmly and
+thoughtfully they might still remain honest and independent.
+
+There are too many three-match men. Just as the tennis-player sends down
+the first ball into the net with a fine abandon, and is more careful
+with the second, so the three-match man strikes his first match without
+arresting his progress along the street, only slows down a little with
+the second, and not until the third is in his fingers does he look about
+for a doorway.
+
+If deep doorways and public telephone boxes were put to better use by
+the smokers of England much waste of matches would be avoided.
+
+And why do not men buy their matches in a businesslike way? Every man
+should ask to see them before making a purchase. He should compare the
+brands, take note of the length and thickness of the sticks, examine the
+size and quality of the heads, test the durability of the sides of the
+boxes, compare the numbers in the various boxes, test the breaking
+strain of the matches and the strength of the flares when struck, and
+time with a stop-watch the burning of a certain length of match.
+
+Many matches are ruined and wasted by harsh treatment. Strong men are
+apt to use their strength like giants in striking their matches, with
+the result that the matches break, or their heads are pulled off, or the
+side of the box is irreparably injured. Remember that the striking of a
+match is more of a wrist movement than an arm movement. The man who
+strikes a match straight from the shoulder deserves to lose it; and the
+average match is not made to be struck even from the elbow. Many a man,
+puzzled at his lack of success in striking matches, will find the secret
+of his failure in too vigorous a use of the forearm. The best plan--one
+that is adopted by our leading actors and other experts--is to stand
+firmly with the feet about fourteen inches apart, hold the box between
+the thumb and fingers of the left hand (be careful to avoid the
+unsightly method, which some strikers adopt, of holding it in the palm),
+take the match about one inch and an eighth from the head with the thumb
+and forefinger of the right hand, bend back the right wrist until the
+head of the match is two and a half inches from the end of the box, and
+with a swift but not too sudden wrist-movement away from you rub the
+head of the match against the side of the box. A little careful practice
+will soon get one into the way of judging the distance accurately, so
+that, on the one hand, the box is not missed, and, on the other hand,
+the head of the match is not too severely strafed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Five Zeppelins were seen off the East Coast between nine and
+    ten last night. They appeared to be rather larger machines than
+    those visiting the coast on previous occasions. Measures were
+    taken." _Western Evening Herald._
+
+We always use a simple foot-rule for this purpose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Forty Thousand American inhabitants at Erzram were massacred by
+    the Turks."
+
+    _Zululand Times._
+
+More trouble for President WILSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A WILLING VICTIM.
+
+_JOHN BULL (to CLAUDE DUVAL McKENNA)._ "THIS HAS INDEED BEEN A PLEASANT
+MEETING. YOU'RE QUITE SURE YOU'VE GOT ALL YOU WANT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, April 4th._--When introducing a Budget designed to raise a
+revenue of seventy or eighty millions, Mr. GLADSTONE was wont to speak
+for four or five hours. Mr. McKENNA, confronted with the task of raising
+over five hundred millions, polished off the job in exactly seventy-five
+minutes. Mr. GLADSTONE used to consider it necessary to prepare the way
+for each new impost by an elaborate argument. That was all very well in
+peace-time. But we are at war, when more than ever time is money, and so
+Mr. McKENNA was content to rely upon the imperative formula of the
+gentlemen of the road, "Stand and deliver."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A STUDY IN COMPARATIVE PHYSIOGNOMY. _A Peace Budget._ _A
+War Budget._ MR. GLADSTONE. MR. McKENNA.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For a moment, it is true, he reverted to the old traditions of
+Budget-night. After observing that there was no parallel in history to
+the willingness to be taxed which had been displayed by the British
+people, he declared that it would be a mistake to drive this spirit of
+public sacrifice too hard. The difficulty which many people had in
+maintaining a standard of life suitable to their condition was described
+in such moving terms as to convince some of Mr. McKENNA's more ingenuous
+hearers that the income-tax was not going to be raised after all.
+
+They were quickly disillusionised. The rich will have to contribute
+(with super-tax) close on half their incomes; the comparatively
+well-to-do a fourth; even the class to whose special hardships the
+CHANCELLOR had just made such pathetic allusion will have to pay an
+additional sixpence in the pound. If in the circumstances some of them
+feel inclined to echo _Sir Peter Teazle_'s remark to _Joseph_, "Oh, damn
+your sentiment," I think they may be excused.
+
+That, however, was Mr. McKENNA's only lapse. The rest of his speech was
+ruthlessly and refreshingly practical. The millions were ticked off as
+rapidly, and almost as mechanically, as the two-pences in the other
+taxis. Five millions from cinemas, horse-races, and other amusements,
+three from railway tickets, seven from sugar, two from mineral waters,
+another two from coffee and cocoa (even the great Liberal drink cannot
+escape under a Cocoalition), and nearly a million from motor vehicles.
+
+Forty-five years ago Mr. LOWE proposed to extract "_ex luce lucellum_"
+by putting a tax of a half-penny a box upon matches, and was duly
+punished for his pun. When the matchmakers of the East-end (quite as
+dangerous in their way as those of the West-end) marched in procession
+to the House of Commons, the Government bowed before the storm.
+Undeterred by their fate, Mr. McKENNA now proposes to put a tax of 4_d._
+on every thousand matches, and expects to get two millions out of it.
+But it must not be forgotten that there are substitutes for matches; and
+I should not be surprised if Mr. McKENNA himself has to put up with a
+spill.
+
+Not much criticism was however to be heard to-night, though Mr. WILLIAM
+O'BRIEN gave it as his opinion that Ireland ought to be omitted from the
+Budget altogether. With him was Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, whose principal
+complaint was that the tax on railway tickets would put a premium on
+foreign travel. People would go to Paris instead of Dublin, and
+Switzerland instead of Killarney. Here somebody tactlessly reminded him
+that a war was going on in Europe, and shunted him on to a less
+picturesque line of argument.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Sir George Reid refreshingly cheerful.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Wednesday, April 5th._--Congratulations are due to the Earl of MEATH on
+a long-delayed triumph. For fifteen years he has been trying to convince
+the British Government that there is an institution called Empire Day.
+Throughout the Dominions, May 24th, QUEEN VICTORIA's birthday, is kept
+as a public holiday, and even in the Old Country, despite official
+discouragement, the Union Jack is hoisted on thousands of schools and
+saluted by millions of children. To the suggestion that the public
+offices should be similarly adorned the Government, under the erroneous
+belief that patriotism and militarism were identical, has hitherto
+maintained an unflagging opposition. But to-day Lord CREWE admitted that
+the proposal was reasonable.
+
+Sir GEORGE REID has made the surprising discovery that there are a
+number of excellent speakers in the House of Commons who do not speak,
+but concentrate themselves upon the despatch of business. Perhaps this
+was his genial way of indicating the more obvious fact that there are
+others of a precisely opposite kind. He himself is an excellent speaker
+who speaks; but concentration is perhaps hardly his strongest point, and
+he wandered to-day over so many fields that the CHAIRMAN had more than
+once, with obvious regret, to recall him to the strict path of the
+Finance Bill, which ultimately passed its first reading, amid cheers
+that it would have done the KAISER good to hear.
+
+Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING, having been prevented by the Budget from making
+his usual Tuesday speech, delivered it to-day, and had a success which
+was, I trust, as gratifying to him as it was surprising to the House.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wife._ "DO YOU THINK THE ZEPPELINS WILL COME HERE?"
+_Husband._ "VERY POSSIBLY, I SHOULD SAY."
+_Wife._ "THEN I SHAN'T START THE SPRING CLEANING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the close of his now customary catalogue of the defects he has
+discovered in our air-service, he offered personally to organize raids
+upon the enemy's aircraft headquarters, and ventured to believe that he
+could bag as many Zeppelins in a day as the Government could bring down
+in a year by their present methods of misplaced guns and misplaced
+confidence.
+
+Mr. TENNANT did not think our confidence was misplaced. But he would
+certainly accept Mr. BILLING's offer, and would confer with him as to
+how to make the best use of his services. It seems probable, therefore,
+that for some little time the House will have to do without its weekly
+lecture from the Member for East Herts. Under the shadow of this
+impending bereavement Mr. TENNANT is bearing up as well as can be
+expected.
+
+_Thursday, April 6th._--Everyone was delighted to see the PRIME MINISTER
+back in his place to-day after his three weeks' absence. Members on both
+sides cheered loudly and long as he entered the House. They also
+displayed a gratifying curiosity regarding his views on various
+subjects, and to that end had put down no fewer than thirty-two
+questions for his consideration. The amount of information they received
+was hardly commensurate with the industry displayed in framing them. Mr.
+ASQUITH made, however, one announcement of great moment. The Government
+are now considering how many recruits they have got, and how many they
+still want. They will then announce their decision as to the method to
+be adopted for obtaining more, and will give a day for its discussion.
+This is to be done before Easter. Asked how long the House would adjourn
+for, Mr. ASQUITH replied, with obvious sincerity, "I hope for some
+time."
+
+The great crisis of which we have heard so much in the newspapers is
+thus postponed. But a little crisis, not altogether unconnected with the
+other, had still to be resolved. The Government had a motion down to
+stop the payment of double salaries to Members on service, and to this
+Sir FREDERICK BANBURY had tabled an amendment providing that
+Parliamentary salaries should be dropped altogether. Mr. DUKE and other
+Unionists subsequently put down another amendment, designed to stop the
+discussion of the larger question on the ground that it was a breach of
+the party truce.
+
+The SPEAKER however decided that Sir FREDERICK was entitled to first cut
+at the Banbury cake. He made, as I thought, a very fair and not unduly
+partisan use of his opportunity, arguing that the conditions of
+Parliamentary life had changed since the War, and that as Members were
+no longer called upon to work hard they should save the country a
+quarter-of-a-million by dropping their salaries.
+
+No one, I think, was prepared for the tremendous blast of invective
+which came from Mr. DUKE. In language which seemed to cause some
+trepidation even to the Ministers he was supporting he denounced his
+right hon. friend for introducing "this stale and stinking bone of
+contention," and plainly hinted that it was part of a plot to get rid of
+the PRIME MINISTER. If that eminent temperance advocate, Sir THOMAS
+WHITTAKER, had not poured water into Mr. DUKE's wine, and emptied the
+House in the process, there might have been a painful scene.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"DISRAELI."
+
+Our early-Victorian oligarchs disdained their DISRAELI as a mountebank
+because he wore the wrong waistcoats and had genius instead of
+common-sense. If he had grown to be the least like Mr. LOUIS NAPOLEON
+PARKER'S _Disraeli_, if he had taken to standing over Governors of the
+Bank of England and forcing them to sign documents under threat of
+smashing up their silly old bank, if he had been such a judge of men as
+to have made that prize ass, _Lord Deeford_, his secretary, or conducted
+his _menage_ at Downing Street in the highly diverting manner exhibited
+in Mr. PARKER's second Act, one trembles to think what they would have
+called him--and done to him. And whether, if the Bank had ever had such
+a Governor as _Sir Michael Probert_, England would have ever been in a
+position to buy a single share in the Suez Canal or any other venture,
+is a question for the curious to consider.
+
+No wonder the Americans enjoyed _Disraeli_! REINHARDT should pirate it
+for Berlin, as it would lend some colour to the imaginative Dr.
+HELLFERICH's airy dissertations on English finance. Can it be that our
+author is a hyphenated patriot in disguise and that this is merely a
+ramification of the so thorough German Press Bureau's activities? Perish
+the thought!
+
+At the opening of the play, with _Mr. Disraeli_ and his wife as guests
+at Glastonbury Towers, all went well. The almost uncanny lifelikeness of
+Mr. DENNIS EADIE's make-up, the steady flow of the great man's good
+things, which had been discerningly culled and quite skilfully put
+together, his swift parries and kindly thrusts, his charming tenderness
+towards that best of wives, the shining heroine of the crushed thumb,
+all this was admirable, was eminently believable--that is if you except
+the exaggerated futility and insolence of the aristocratic background.
+It was when the adventuress got going; when casements began to be
+mysteriously unlocked by fair hands, and pretty ears applied to
+key-holes at vital moments of quite improbable disclosures to more than
+improbable young men; when important despatches and secret codes began
+to be left about in conspicuous places, in rooms conveniently vacated
+for notoriously suspect plotters; when the Prime Minister began to
+bounce and prance and to lay booby traps, into which not his enemies but
+his incomparable secretary promptly blundered--it was then that things
+went crooked.
+
+It is perhaps not to be regretted. Nothing is more diverting to the
+perceptive playgoer than these little dramatic-simplicities; as when,
+the great Suez deal having been completed--a fact that it was enormously
+important to conceal from the Press and the country (and the
+adventuress)--a telegram with full details in the plainest of plain
+English is despatched from the local post-office to the great financier
+who had made the deal possible. The charming _naivete_ of the family
+gathering at the Foreign Office (it might have been Mme. TUSSAUD's) and
+the adorable ingenuousness of the idea of bringing down a great
+international financier by holding up his cargo of bullion in a foreign
+port, should lead no one to complain that high politics are dull.
+
+I wouldn't have missed Mr. DENNIS EADIE's _Disraeli_ for a good deal.
+Where it was at all possible--which it was in general; Mr. PARKER only
+sprinkled his extravagances--the ease and plausibility of it were quite
+admirable. This adroit player gave us the tact, the wit, the gallantry,
+the generosity, the romantic exuberance. It was a fine performance, and
+it will be finer as its firm outline is filled in. The play, for all its
+vagaries, may even serve to remind a careless age of its too lightly
+forgotten spacious dead. Miss MARY JERROLD'S _Lady Beaconsfield_ was, I
+suppose, more in the nature of an imaginary portrait. It was beautiful
+and convincing. As a stage adventuress MME. DORZIAT was most attractive,
+if only she had been credible. She had no business to be in any of the
+situations in which she found herself, and must have needed all her
+skill to conceal the fact from herself. Miss MARY GLYNNE as _The Lady
+Clarissa_, the portentous _Duchess of Glastonbury's_ pretty daughter and
+the doomed bride of the egregious _Deeford_, was quite charming to watch
+and hear. Mr. CYRIL RAYMOND should, I am sure, mitigate the asinine
+priggishness of the young viscount's bearing in the First Act. His
+conversion from this to the merely crass stupidity of the second was too
+much for us to bear. Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD as Mr. _Hugh Meyers_ looked
+quite as if he might have been able to put his hand on two million; Mr.
+HARBEN as _Sir Michael Probert_ just as if he would sign any document
+which was put before him under threat or suggestion. Mr. CAMPBELL
+GULLAN, as the adventuress's husband, made himself the kind of clerk
+that no one would have trusted for a moment with even the petty cash.
+These things I know are necessary and I acquit him of any artistic
+impropriety. But you will go to see this piece chiefly for the sake of
+Mr. EADIE's _tour de force_, for the thrill of the rather pleasant
+sensation (mingled with a slightly horrified suspicion of sacrilege) of
+seeing a queer resurrection, and for the fragrance of a touching little
+idyll of married friendship--one of the most enduring of _Disraeliana_.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands?"
+                       _Merchant of Venice_, Act iii. Sc. I
+
+_Benjamin Disraeli_ ... Mr. DENNIS EADIE.
+_Mrs. Noel Travers_ ... Mlle. GABRIELLE DORZIAT]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Special Matinee, at which the Queen will be present, is to be given at
+the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, at 2.30, on Friday, April 14th, in aid of
+of the Y. W. C. A.'s fund for providing Hostels, Canteens and Rest Rooms
+for women engaged in munition and other war-work. Among the artists who
+have promised to appear are Madame SARAH BERNHARDT, Miss GLADYS COOPER,
+Mr. JOSEPH COYNE, Mr. GERALD DU MAURIER, Mr. DENNIS EADIE, Miss LILY
+ELSIE, Madame GENEE, Mr. ROBERT HALE, Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, Madame KIRKBY
+LUNN, Mr. GEORGE ROBEY and Miss IRENE VANBRUGH. The Matinee has been
+organised by Miss OLGA NETHERSOLE, and the stage will be under the
+direction of Mr. DION BOUCICAULT.
+
+Applications for seats should be addressed to the Manager, Box Office,
+Theatre Royal, Drury Lane. Cheques to be made payable to Lady SYDENHAM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer (to Sentry on fire-step in the trenches_).
+"ANYTHING TO REPORT, SENTRY?"
+
+_Sentry (who has been gazing steadily at wire entanglements_), "ALL
+QUIET, SIR, EXCEPT THEM POSTS OUT THERE. IF I WATCH 'EM LONG ENOUGH THEY
+START FORMING FOURS.".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL ECONOMY.
+
+We learn that at a recent matinee performance of a play by Mr. W. B.
+YEATS, "instead of scenery a Chorus of singers was introduced, who
+described the scene as well as commenting upon the action." In these
+times that call for frugality other managements would do well to copy.
+One might mount an entire West-End Society comedy, and bring as it were
+the scent of Hay Hill across the footlights, at no greater expense than
+the cost of a back-curtain and a Chorus. The latter might go something
+as follows:--
+
+  This is the morning-room of the heroine's house in Half Moon Street;
+  Noble and large is the room, with three windows, two doors and a fireplace
+  (Goodness knows how many more in the wall through which we are looking).
+  Nobly and well is it furnished, with chairs and with tables and couches,
+  Couches beyond computation, and all of them soon to be sat on;
+  So may you see that the play will be dialogue rather than action.
+  Pleasant and fresh in the footlights the chintzes with which they are covered,
+  Giving a summer effect, helped out by the plants in the fireplace.
+  Curtains at each of the windows are flooded with limelight of amber,
+  Whence you may learn that the time is a fine afternoon in the season.
+  Centre of back a piano, whose makers are told on the programme,
+  Promises snatches of song, or it may be a heartbroken solo.
+  Carpets and rugs and the like you can fill in without any prompting;
+  Pictures and china and books, and photographs circled in silver.
+  Yes, you may take it from us that the piece has been mounted regardless.
+
+[_Enter the leading lady. She just pushes the back-curtains apart and
+emerges on to the stage, dressed in any old thing (what a saving!). The
+Chorus continues ecstatically._]
+
+  See where the heroine comes, flinging open the door from the staircase
+  (Marked you the head of the stairs and the artist-proof on the landing?
+  That's what I call realistic). She's threaded her way through the couches,
+  Sinks upon one for an instant, then rises and walks to the window,
+  Showing the back of her gown to be fully as chic as the front part.
+  So to the door (in the curtain) and slams it with signs of emotion,
+  Slams it so hard and so fierce that the walls of the room are a-quiver;
+  Even the opposite side of the roadway, as seen through the windows,
+  Shares in the general movement, as though it were struck by an earthquake.
+
+And so on. You catch the idea? Bare boards, a passion and a Chorus; and
+the management would save enough to make the amusement-tax a matter of
+indifference.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+V.--SWISS COTTAGE.
+
+  I heard a Jodeller
+    In a Swiss cottage
+  Eating a crust
+    And a bowlful of pottage.
+
+  He jodelled and jodelled
+    'Twixt every bite;
+  He jodelled until
+    Not a crumb was in sight.
+
+  He jodelled and jodelled
+    'Twixt every sup;
+  He jodelled until
+    He had drunk it all up.
+
+  He put down his bowl
+    And he came to the door,
+  And jodelled and jodelled
+    And jodelled for more!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The exportation of the following goods is prohibited to all
+    destinations:--
+
+    Acetic acid, cinematograph films, ferro-molybdenum,
+    ferro-silicon, ferro-tungsten, gramophone and other sound
+    records, photographic sensitive firms, &c., &c."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+    "Two photographers from Devonport, who had been already deferred
+    ten groups, asked that their claims should be heard in camera."
+
+    _Western Morning News._
+
+No doubt they belonged to one of the sensitive firms above mentioned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROOSEVELT IN THE RING.
+
+Every Englishman who has taken even a very humble part in the
+consideration and discussion of public affairs is or ought to be aware
+that the most gratuitous error he can commit is to take a side in
+American politics and to criticise American public men from the British
+point of view. From that error I propose to abstain most rigorously. It
+is the right of Americans to criticise their own Government and the
+public acts of their statesmen, and on that right I shall not infringe.
+It cannot, however, be improper for an Englishman to set out before his
+fellow-countrymen the utterances of a great American on matters which
+vitally affect not only America but the whole civilised world. Mr.
+_Roosevelt_--for Mr. _Roosevelt_ is the great American of whom I
+speak--has done more than give utterance to his opinions; he has
+deliberately collected them into a book, _Fear God and Take Your Own
+Part_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), and has thus invited us to read and
+consider his views. I accept his invitation and trust I shall not abuse
+the privilege.
+
+It is a refreshment to go about with Mr. ROOSEVELT through the pages of
+this book. Here are no doubts and no hesitations, no timidity and no
+blurred outlines. Everything is clear cut and well defined. Where Mr.
+ROOSEVELT blames he blames with a vigour which is overwhelming; where he
+approves he approves with a resonant zeal and enjoyment. He has no drop
+of English blood in his veins--he himself has said it more than
+once--yet he is strong in his praise of our conduct and even stronger in
+his denunciation of the faithlessness and inhumanity of Germany. The
+contemplation of German atrocities and of what he considers to be
+America's weak compliance with them fills him with a rage which is
+fortunately articulate. His indictment of Germany is as vigorous as the
+most ardent pro-Ally can desire. It would be agreeable to watch the
+KAISER's face if he should happen to take up this book in an idle moment
+between one front and another.
+
+Mr. ROOSEVELT's position can be best defined in his own words. "We
+Americans," he says, "must pay to the great truths set forth by Lincoln
+a loyalty of the heart and not of the lips only. In this crisis I hold
+that we have signally failed in our duty to Belgium and Armenia, and in
+our duty to ourselves. In this crisis I hold that the Allies are
+standing for the principles to which Abraham Lincoln said this country
+was dedicated; and the rulers of Germany have, in practical fashion,
+shown this to be the case by conducting a campaign against Americans on
+the ocean, which has resulted in the wholesale murder of American men,
+women and children, and by conducting within our own borders a campaign
+of the bomb and the torch against American industries. They have carried
+on war against our people; for wholesale and repeated killing is war,
+even though the killing takes the shape of assassination of
+non-combatants, instead of battle against armed men."
+
+Here again is a passage which is not lacking in emphasis: "Of course,
+incidentally, we have earned contempt and derision by our conduct in
+connection with the hundreds of Americans thus killed in time of peace
+without action on our part. The United States Senator or Governor of a
+State or other public representative who takes the position that our
+citizens should not, in accordance with their lawful rights, travel on
+such ships, and that we need not take action about their deaths,
+occupies a position precisely and exactly as base and as cowardly (and I
+use those words with scientific precision) as if his wife's face were
+slapped on the public streets and the only action he took was to tell
+her to stay in the house."
+
+This, too, on the hyphenated is good: "As regards the German-Americans
+who assail me in this contest because they are really mere transported
+Germans, hostile to this country and to human rights, I feel, not
+sorrow, but stern disapproval. I am not interested in their attitude
+toward me, but I am greatly interested in their attitude toward this
+nation. I am standing for the larger Americanism, for true Americanism;
+and as regards my attitude in this matter I do not ask as a favour, but
+challenge as a right, the support of all good American citizens, no
+matter where born and no matter of what creed or national origin." That
+puts the matter in a nutshell.
+
+I might continue with pithy extracts until the columns of _Punch_ were
+filled to overflowing, and even then I should not have exhausted the
+interest of this virile and timely book. The reading of it can only
+serve to confirm an Englishman's faith in his country's cause. Thank
+you, Mr. ROOSEVELT, for your admirable tonic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE AIR RAID. "ARE YOU HURT, SIR?"
+
+"YES, BUT NOT HALF SO BADLY AS THE CHAP WHO TRIED TO PINCH MY
+SOUVENIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VICTORIA.
+
+He entered the train at St. James' Park--a dark-eyed young Belgian
+wearing the new khaki uniform of KING ALBERT'S heroic Army. I had
+watched him hobbling along the platform, and my own boots and puttees
+being coated with mud after a day's trench-digging in Surrey I drew them
+in as he took the corner seat opposite mine, stretching out rather
+stiffly before him the leg which had no doubt stopped a Bosch's bullet.
+Here was the opportunity for an interesting exchange of views. I was
+mentally rehearsing a few bright opening sentences in French when the
+train again stopped. Half twisting in his seat he peered uncertainly out
+of window.
+
+"Victoria," I informed him; but he obviously didn't understand. I raised
+my voice.
+
+"Victoria Station," I told him again. "Er--er, _Victoire_."
+
+His stick fell clattering to the floor, his mouth broadened into a
+fraternal smile and, seizing both my hands, he worked them like
+pump-handles.
+
+"_Ah, bon, bon! A la victoire! Vivent les Allies!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BRAZIL.--The British Consul at Porto Alegre states that there
+    appears to be a prospect of the work of repaying the town being
+    carried out in the near future. The contract provides for the
+    repaving of an area of 500,000 square miles at a total cost of
+    L223,200." _Morning Paper._
+
+If these figures are correct Porto Alegre must have the record for cheap
+paving, always excepting an even warmer place where good intentions are
+the material employed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant-Major (lecturing the young officers of a new
+battalion of an old regiment_). "YOU 'AVEN'T GOT TO MAKE TRADITIONS;
+YOU'VE ONLY GOT TO KEEP 'EM. YOU WAS THE BLANKSHIRE REGIMENT IN 1810.
+YOU ARE THE BLANKSHIRE REGIMENT IN 1916. NEVER MORE CLEARLY 'AS 'ISTORY
+REPEATED ITSELF.".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CONKY'S" UNCLE.
+
+There are some men whose patronymics are swallowed up in their
+nicknames, and my friend "Conky" is one of these. He has quite a
+decorative surname of his own, but it never counted. For the rest he is
+the possessor of a big booming bass voice, which he uses with more gusto
+than art. He is, apart from a certain pride in his musical
+accomplishments, a very good fellow; and so is Mrs. "Conky"--an amiable
+and agreeable woman, whose only fault is an excessive anxiety for the
+comfort of her guests, leading her at times to forget, in the words of
+the Chinese proverb, that "inattention is often the highest form of
+civility."
+
+They are a devoted couple, and the only cloud on their happiness was
+caused by Conky's expectations from a mysterious and eccentric uncle.
+For a long time I was inclined to disbelieve in his existence, as he
+never "materialised." But I was converted from my scepticism, some three
+years ago, when, on meeting Conky, I was informed that Uncle Joseph had
+invited himself on a short visit. My friend betrayed a certain
+agitation. "You know," he said, "it is twenty years since I saw him
+last, when he came to look me up at school, and rather frightened me."
+
+"Frightened you! But how?"
+
+"Well, you see, he's got a way of thinking aloud, and it's rather
+embarrassing. I don't mind being called 'Conky,' as you know, but it was
+rather trying to hear him say, 'I hope his nose has stopped growing.'
+However, I couldn't very well put him off now. I'm his only nephew; he's
+an old man, and said to be very rich." Conky sighed, but added more
+hopefully, "Anyhow, I'm sure Marjorie will rise to the occasion."
+Personally I was by no means so sure. I felt that Marjorie might overdo
+it: also that Conky, who loved the sound of his voice, might be tempted
+to soothe the old man with intempestive gusts of song.
+
+Unhappily my misgivings were realised. A few weeks later, on my way home
+from the club, I called in late one afternoon on the Conkys. They
+greeted me cordially as usual, but I could see something was amiss, and
+soon it all came out. The visit had been a fiasco. Uncle Joseph had been
+very friendly and even courteous, but at intervals he thought aloud with
+devastating frankness. Marjorie had exhausted herself in the labours of
+hospitality, but all in vain. Conky had sung, but the voice of the
+charmer had failed. And just as Uncle Joseph was going he observed in a
+final burst of candour, "Goo-ood people, very goo-ood people; but
+_she_'s a second-rate Martha, and _he_ sings like a bank-holiday
+trombone-player on Blackpool sands."
+
+From that day till a week ago I never heard Conky or his wife allude to
+Uncle Joseph. The memory was too painful. And yet it is impossible to
+deny that the experience was salutary. Marjorie is certainly less
+overwhelming in her hospitality, and Conky less prodigal of song. And
+when Conky told me last week that Uncle Joseph had died and left him
+L10,000, I felt that the old man had atoned handsomely for his
+unconscious indulgence in a habit for which, after all, a good deal was
+to be said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+The latest of our novelists to succumb to the temptations of the school
+story is Mr. E. F. BENSON; and I am pleased to add that in _David
+Blaize_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) he seems to have scored a notable
+success. It is the record of a not specially distinguished, but entirely
+charming, lad during his career at his private and public schools.
+Incidentally, as such records must, it becomes the history of certain
+other boys, two especially, and of _David_'s relations with them. It is
+this that is the real motive of the book. The friendship between
+_Maddox_ and _David_, its dangers and its rewards, seems to me to have
+been handled with the rarest delicacy and judgment. The hazards of the
+theme are obvious. There have been books in plenty before now that,
+essaying to navigate the uncharted seas of schoolboy friendship, have
+foundered beneath the waves of sloppiness that are so ready to engulph
+them. The more credit then to Mr. BENSON for bringing his barque
+triumphantly to harbour. To drop metaphor, the captious or the forgetful
+may call the whole sentimental--as if one could write about boys and
+leave out what is the greatest common factor of the race. But the
+sentiment is never mawkish. There is indeed an atmosphere of clean,
+fresh-smelling youth about the book that is vastly refreshing.
+Friendship and games make up the matter of it; there is nothing that I
+could repeat by way of plot; but if you care for a close and sympathetic
+study of boyhood at its happiest here is the book for your money.
+Finally I may mention that, though in sympathetic studies of boyhood the
+pedagogue receives as a rule scant courtesy, Mr. BENSON'S masters are
+(with one unimportant exception) such delightful persons that I can only
+hope that they are actual and not imaginary portraits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+You will get quite a serviceable impression of what the highlands and
+highlanders of Serbia and Montenegro were like in war, behind the lines
+when the lines still held, from _The Luck of Thirteen_ (SMITH, ELDER),
+by JAN GORDON (colourist) and CORA his wife, if you are not blinded by
+the perpetual flashes of brightness--such flashes as "somebody had
+gnawed a piece from one of the wheels" as an explanation of jolting;
+"the twistiest stream, which seemed as though it had been designed by a
+lump of mercury on a wobbling plate;" the trees in the mist "seemed to
+stand about with their hands in their pockets, like vegetable
+Charlie----" But no! I am hanged if I will write the accursed name. This
+plucky pair of souls had put in some stiff months of typhus-fighting
+with a medical mission in the early months of the war, and these are
+impressions of the holiday which they took thereafter among those
+fateful hills, with a little carrying of despatches, retrieving of
+stores and a good deal of parasite-hunting thrown in, until they were
+finally caught up in the tragic Serbian retreat; still remaining, of
+course, incurably "bright." I think I detect a certain amount of the
+too-British attitude that contemns what is strange and is more than a
+little scornful of poverty, official and private. And I suppose the
+artist's wife will scoff if I tell her that I was shocked that she
+should have taken some shots at the Austrians with a Montenegrin machine
+gun, as if war was just a cock-shy for tourists. But I was. If Mr. JAN
+GORDON found a good deal more colour in his subjects than we other
+fellows would have been able to see, that's what an artist's for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SALVE.
+
+_Returning Soldier._ "'ULLO, MOTHER!"
+
+_His Wife (with stoic self-control)._ "'ULLO, FRED. BETTER WIPE YER
+BOOTS BEFORE YOU COME IN--AFTER THEM MUDDY TRENCHES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Jitny and the Boys_ (SMITH, ELDER) there are those elements of
+patriotism, humour and pathos which I find so desirable in War-time
+books. _Jitny_ was neither man nor woman, but a motor-car, and without
+disparaging those who drove her and rode in her I am bound to say that
+she was as much alive as any one of them. She certainly talked--or was
+responsible for--a lot of motor-shop, and I took it all in with the
+greatest ease and comfort. _Jitny_ indeed is a great car, but she is not
+exactly the heroine of a novel. She is just the sit-point from which a
+very human family surveys the world at a time when that world is
+undergoing a vast upheaval. In the father of this family Mr. BENNET
+COPPLESTONE has scored an unqualified success, but the boys are perhaps
+a little old for their years. This, however, is no great matter, for the
+essential fact is that the book is full of the thoughts which make us
+proud to-day and help us to face to-morrow. Yes, _Jitny_ has my
+blessing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Little Willie goes for more Loot.
+
+    "In the Woevre the Germans attempted on three occasions to
+    capture from us an earthquake."--_Glasgow Evening News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A schoolgirl's translation:--"_La marquise recommanda son ame a Dieu._"
+"The Marquis wished his donkey good-bye."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A number of officers in the province of Yunnan, China, hatched
+    a plot to behead the Governor-General at Urumtsi, and proclaim
+    the independence of the province of Sinkiang. The Governor,
+    discovering the plot, invited ten of the conspirators to an
+    official dinner, at which he beheaded them in turn."--_Reuter._
+
+"Another glass of wine, Mr. Wung Ti?" "No? Very well, then, if you would
+kindly stand up a moment and place your neck on the back of your
+chair---- Thank you. After the savoury I shall have the pleasure of
+calling upon the next on my list, Mr. Ah Sin," and so on. Quite a jolly
+dinner-party.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, April 12, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 23746.txt or 23746.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/3/7/4/23746/
+
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+
+
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