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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+July 15, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 15, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 29, 2007 [EBook #23658]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Nigel Blower, Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 147.
+
+
+
+July 15th, 1914.
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Two men carrying bombs were arrested last week on the outskirts of
+Paris, and are suspected of a plot against the FRENCH PRESIDENT. They
+alleged that the bombs were made for the TSAR OF RUSSIA, but the TSAR
+denies that he gave the commission.
+
+       ***
+
+The town of Criccieth, it is reported, has decided to give up gas in
+favour of electricity. This, of course, is not meant as a slight on
+its most illustrious resident.
+
+       ***
+
+Posted at Ventnor, Isle of Wight, on July 14, 1904, a postcard has
+just been delivered at the Grapes Hotel in Cowes. The recipient is
+said to have expressed the opinion that it would have been quicker,
+almost, to have telephoned the message.
+
+       ***
+
+Miss NINA BOYLE, of the Women's Freedom League, has sent to the
+papers a list of ladies on whom she considers the KING ought to bestow
+honours. Among the writers there is one notable omission, and Miss
+MARIE CORELLI is said to be more of an anti-Suffragette than ever.
+
+       ***
+
+"NEW THEATRE FOR LONDON,
+ALL SEATS IN THE HOUSE TO BE BOOKED."
+
+So the great difficulty has been solved at last! So may theatres fail
+because the seats are not taken.
+
+       ***
+
+A movement is on foot to induce Mr. CHARLES GARVICE to change the name
+of his play, _A Heritage of Hate_, as so many patrons of melodrama
+have experienced difficulty in pronouncing the title as it stands at
+present.
+
+       ***
+
+In a struggle between a British sailor and a German policeman at
+Wilhelmshaven the other day honours seem to have been fairly even. The
+policeman, who used his sword, lost his head, and the sailor a piece
+of his nose.
+
+       ***
+
+Two men of good position were tried last week before the State Court
+of Berlin for refusing to address a policeman as "Mr." That will
+surprise no one who knows his Prussia. It is the sequel which takes
+our breath away. The two men were acquitted!
+
+       ***
+
+Volume 10 of the Census of 1911 shows that in the preceding ten years
+clergymen of the Established Church declined from 25,235 to 24,859.
+"The decrease is accounted for by the lack of young men taking
+orders." The wonder is that such orders were not at once snapped up by
+alert Germans.
+
+       ***
+
+Miss LAURA WENTWORTH, of Nebraska, known as "The Big Hat Girl," has,
+we are told, sailed from New York in the _Imperator_ with a hat which
+measures 58 inches in diameter. These giant liners are justifying
+themselves.
+
+       ***
+
+We are glad that the POSTMASTER-GENERAL has promised a Bill against
+foreign sweeps. Only the other day we received a circular headed
+"Schimneys Scheaply Schwept."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONE ADVANTAGE ABOUT THESE ABSOLUTELY REMOTE COUNTRY
+COTTAGES IS THAT YOU CAN WEAR OUT SOME OF THE COSTUMES IN WHICH YOU
+WENT TO THE FANCY BALLS THIS SEASON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+While we are ready to grant that it is not always easy to find the apt
+quotation, we cannot help thinking that _The Daily Telegraph_ would
+have caused less offence if it had published the following paragraph
+without any tag at all:--
+
+    The Mayor and Mayoress of Kensington, Alderman and Mrs. W. H.
+    Davison, held a reception at the Kensington Town trail last
+    evening, their guests numbering between 400 and 500.
+
+        Oh, how peaceful is their sleep,
+        They who "Keating's" always keep.
+
+       ***
+
+"Cheerful Company at all the Cafés. Soup to Cheese 1/-," announces an
+advertisement in _The Manchester Guardian_. We have heard of lively
+cheese before, but the chatty soup must be something of a novelty.
+
+       ***
+
+"Strawberries are going out," reports _The Evening News_. We are in a
+position to confirm this statement. We met one out the other evening.
+
+       ***
+
+According to _La France Militaire_ the French Navy is about to try the
+experiment of enlisting black sailors. We should say that they will
+be found to make the most admirable stokers, not showing the dirt like
+the white men.
+
+       ***
+
+Describing a recent visit of a party of Congressmen and State
+officials to one of the teetotal battleships of the American Navy,
+a contemporary says, "The distinguished guests took water with what
+grace they could." Evidently they thought it scarcely worth saying
+grace for.
+
+       ***
+
+The statement made last week in the course of a certain trial that "as
+a man grows older he becomes riper" has had a curious sequel.
+Orders are pouring in from the Cannibal Isles for consignments of
+centenarians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE.
+
+(_The modern girl, according to a daily paper, is not to be won by
+love-making. She prefers a cheerful and amusing companion._)
+
+  Dear, of old I swore devotion
+    In the manner knights employed,
+  Wrote epistles with emotion
+    (Which I trust have been destroyed);
+  Now at last, a practised lover,
+    Boasting conquests not a few,
+  I am told to put a cover
+    On my sentiments for you.
+
+  Cupid's chat is out of fashion;
+    Sloppy words are never said;
+  Voices once a-throb with passion
+    Shake with merriment instead;
+  Poets qualified to tackle
+    Lyric metres when inspired
+  Stoop to make the ladies cackle--
+    Nothing further is required.
+
+  Doubtless one whose occupation
+    Has a dull and solemn trend
+  Might enjoy, as relaxation,
+    Jesting with a female friend;
+  But, corrupted by the money
+    That my written humours bring,
+  How on earth can I be funny
+    For the pleasure of the thing?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Daily Chronicle_ on the latest submarine:--
+
+    "It will also be equipped with a quick-firing gun, which
+    disappears when the vessel is submerged."
+
+This is far the best arrangement; it would never do for it to be left
+floating where any passer-by could pick it up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WARM HALF-HOUR.
+
+Whatever the papers say, it was the hottest afternoon of the year. At
+six-thirty I had just finished dressing after my third cold bath since
+lunch, when Celia tapped on the door.
+
+"I want you to do something for me," she said. "It's a shame to ask
+you on a day like this."
+
+"It _is_ rather a shame," I agreed, "but I can always refuse."
+
+"Oh, but you mustn't. We haven't got any ice, and the Thompsons are
+coming to dinner. Do you think you could go and buy three pennyworth?
+Jane's busy, and I'm busy, and----"
+
+"And I'm busy," I said, opening and shutting a drawer with great
+rapidity.
+
+"Just three pennyworth," she pleaded. "Nice cool ice. Think of sliding
+home on it."
+
+Well, of course it had to be done. I took my hat and staggered out. On
+an ordinary cool day it is about half-a-mile to the fishmonger; to-day
+it was about two miles-and-a-quarter. I arrived exhausted, and with
+only just strength enough to kneel down and press my forehead against
+the large block of ice in the middle of the shop, round which the
+lobsters nestled.
+
+"Here, you mustn't do that," said the fishmonger, waving me away.
+
+I got up, slightly refreshed.
+
+"I want," I said, "some----" and then a thought occurred to me.
+
+After all, _did_ fishmongers sell ice? Probably the large block in
+front of me was just a trade sign like the coloured bottles at the
+chemist's. Suppose I said to a Fellow of the Pharmaceutical Society,
+"I want some of that green stuff in the window," he would only laugh.
+The tactful thing to do would be to buy a pint or two of laudanum
+first, and _then_, having established pleasant relations, ask him as a
+friend to lend me his green bottle for a bit.
+
+So I said to the fishmonger, "I want some--some nice lobsters."
+
+"How many would you like?"
+
+"One," I said.
+
+We selected a nice one between us, and he wrapped a piece of _Daily
+Mail_ round it, leaving only the whiskers visible, and gave it to me.
+The ice being now broken--I mean the ice being now--well, you see what
+I mean--I was now in a position to ask for some of his ice.
+
+"I wonder if you could let me have a little piece of your ice," I
+ventured.
+
+"How much ice do you want?" he said promptly.
+
+"Sixpennyworth," I said, not knowing a bit how much it would be, but
+feeling that Celia's threepennyworth sounded rather mean.
+
+"Six of ice, Bill," he shouted to an inferior at the back, and
+Bill tottered up with a block about the size of one of the lions in
+Trafalgar Square. He wrapped a piece of _Daily News_ round it and gave
+it to me.
+
+"Is that all?" asked the fishmonger.
+
+"That is all," I said faintly; and, with Algernon, the overwhiskered
+crustacean, firmly clutched in the right hand and Stonehenge supported
+on the palm of the left hand, I retired.
+
+The flat seemed a very long way away, but having bought twice as much
+ice as I wanted, and an entirely unnecessary lobster, I was not going
+to waste still more money in taxis. Hot though it was, I would walk.
+
+For some miles all went well. Then the ice began to drip through the
+paper, and in a little while the underneath part of _The Daily News_
+had disappeared altogether. Tucking the lobster under my arm I turned
+the block over, so that it rested on another part of the paper. Soon
+that had dissolved too. By the time I had got half-way our Radical
+contemporary had been entirely eaten.
+
+Fortunately _The Daily Mail_ remained. But to get it I had to
+disentangle Algernon first, and I had no hand available. There was
+only one thing to do. I put the block of ice down on the pavement,
+unwrapped the lobster, put the lobster temporarily in my pocket,
+spread its _Daily Mail_ out next to the ice, lifted the ice on to the
+paper, and--looked up and saw Mrs. Thompson approaching.
+
+She was the last person I wanted at that moment. In an hour and a half
+she would be dining with us. Algernon would not be dining with us.
+If Algernon and Mrs. Thompson were to meet now, would she not be
+expecting him to turn up at every course? Think of the long-drawn-out
+disappointment for her; not even lobster sauce!
+
+There was no time to lose. I decided to abandon the ice. Leaving it
+on the pavement I turned round and walked hastily back the way I had
+come.
+
+By the time I had shaken off Mrs. Thompson I was almost at the
+fishmonger's. That decided me. I would begin all over again, and would
+do it properly this time.
+
+"I want," I said boldly, "threepennyworth of ice."
+
+"Three of ice, Bill," said the fishmonger, and Bill gave me quite a
+respectable segment in _The Morning Post_.
+
+"And I want a taxi," I said, and I summoned one.
+
+We drove quickly home.
+
+As we neared the flat I suddenly remembered Algernon. I drew him out
+of my pocket, red and undraped.
+
+This would never do. If the porter saw me entering my residence with a
+nice lobster, the news would soon get about, and before I knew where I
+was I should have a super-tax form sprung on me. I placed the block of
+ice on the seat, took off its _Morning Post_, and wrapped up Algernon.
+Then I sprang out, gave the man a shilling, and got into the lift.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Bless you," said Celia, "have you got it? How sweet of you!" And she
+took my parcel from me. "Now we shall be able----Why, what's this?"
+
+I looked at it closely.
+
+"It's--it's a lobster," I said, "Didn't you say lobster?"
+
+"I said ice."
+
+"Oh," I said, "oh, I didn't understand. I thought you said lobster."
+
+"You can't put lobster in cider cup," said Celia severely.
+
+Of course I quite see that. It was rather a silly mistake of mine.
+However, it's pleasant to think that the taxi must have been nice and
+cool for the next man.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE TOWER.
+
+  Upon the old black guns
+    The old black raven hops;
+  We gave him bits of buns
+    And cakes and acid-drops;
+  He's wise, and his way's devout,
+    But he croaks and he flaps his wings
+  (And the flood runs out and the sergeants shout)
+    For the first and the last of things;
+  He croaks to Robinson, Brown, and Jones,
+  The song of the ravens, "_Dead Men's Bones!_"
+
+  For into the lifting dark
+    And a drizzle of clearing rain,
+  His sire flapped out of the Ark
+    And never came back again;
+  So I always fancy that,
+    Ere the frail lost blue showed thin,
+  Alone he sat upon Ararat
+    To see a new world in,
+  And yelped to the void from a cairn of stones
+  The song of the ravens, "_Dead Men's Bones!_"
+
+  When the last of mankind lie slain
+    On Armageddon's field,
+  When the last red west has ta'en
+    The last day's flaming shield,
+  There shall sit when the shadows run
+    (D'you doubt, good Sirs, d'you doubt?)
+  His last rogue son on an empty gun
+    To see an old world out;
+  And he'll croak (as to Robinson, Brown and Jones)
+  The song of the ravens, "_Dead Men's Bones!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LIBERAL CAVE-MEN; OR, A HOLT FROM THE BLUE.
+
+HARASSED CHANCELLOR. "IT'S NOT SO MUCH FOR MY FEET THAT I
+MIND--THEY'RE HARDENED AGAINST THIS KIND OF THING; BUT I DO HATE ROCKS
+ON MY HEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MARCH OF CIVILISATION IN IRELAND.
+
+_Tim._ "WELL, PATSY, ARE YE AFTHER BUILDING AN ADDITION TO YER
+HOUSE?"
+
+_Patsy._ "SHURE AND THE HINS LIKES A PLACE TO THIMSILVES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TEMPERING THE WIND;
+OR, THE INDEMNIFICATION OF ANTONIO.
+
+[_In the Census returns for 1911, recently published, organ-grinders
+are no longer counted as musicians._]
+
+  When buffets from the frowning Fates demoralise,
+    And all the spirit yearns for honeyed death;
+  When limply on the harper's brow the laurel lies
+    And something in his bosom deeply saith,
+  "N.G. I give it up! Behold! misshapen is
+    The bowler that surmounts my glorious mane;
+  Life is all kicks without the boon of halfpennies;
+        The rates are here again;"----
+
+  'Tis sweet, 'tis very sweet to gaze at Helicon
+    And think, "On me the sacred fire has dropped,
+  The lute, at any rate, still hangs, a relic, on
+    This diaphragm, although the shirt is popped;"
+  And so it was, I ween, with your position,
+    Ansonia's sunny child, from house to house
+  Aye wandering: still you ranked as a musician,
+        The same as Dr. STRAUSS.
+
+  People were rude to you: they said, "Be gibbetted!"
+    In many a ruthless road your cheek grew wan
+  Where hawkers and street-music were prohibited
+    And stout policemen urged you to get on;
+  Yet still that stubborn heart, the heart of CATO'S kin,
+    Stayed you, and still the gleam that cannot die,
+  Though every now and then an old potato skin
+        Did welt you in the eye.
+
+  Tattered and soiled, an exile and an alien,
+    Somehow you touched the Cockney nymphs with awe;
+  You lit the cold clay statue, like Pygmalion,
+    To blood-red raptures; you were sib to SHAW;
+  Others might hale the town in cushioned chariots
+    To see them dance or daub, to hear them strum;
+  You also had your moments: jigging Harriets
+        Joyed in your simian chum.
+
+  And how shall these things change? Shall childish galleries
+    That deemed you once Apollo's minister,
+  Say, "Garn, old monkey!" Shall colossal salaries
+    Reward the Muse and not the dulcimer?
+  Not gleaming eyeballs, not the soul illuminate?
+    Shall old faiths falter and Antonio's heart
+  Sicken the while he churns, and chilly ruminate,
+        "This is no longer Art"?
+
+  So be it then. But lest the slight unparalleled
+    Shall cause extinction of a breed so stout,
+  And scatter to the winds what tags his barrel held
+    And doom him to go under and get out;
+  Lest he despair and pine from this now streak of ills,
+    Not ranked with virtuosi's shining shapes,
+  Let him he classed anew amongst Pithekophils,
+        An amateur of Apes.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE SACRIFICES TO SPEED. THE "MINIM KID-FIT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAYMENT IN KIND.
+
+I argued that one and threepence was too much to pay for the delivery
+of a telegram which had only cost sixpence itself; I also argued that
+one and threepence was too little for a wealthy institution like the
+G.P.O. to worry about, but the messenger wouldn't reduce the price. I
+had had my telegram, said he, and I must pay for it. I offered to give
+him the telegram back, but he guessed it was only from Carr and wasn't
+having any. It was my money he wanted and that, unhappily, was some
+miles away in a bank.
+
+For reasons best known to myself, and not too clearly appreciated even
+in that quarter, I am always full of petty cash at the beginning of
+the month and out of it at the end. My wife never draws any at all,
+knowing it is much safer where it is, and as for Albert, our only son,
+he takes no interest in the stuff. When we, in moments of self-denial,
+slip a coin into the slit of his money-box, he is merely bored, being
+as yet unable to unlock the box and get the coin out again, owing to
+ignorance of the whereabouts of the key. I explained all this to the
+telegraph boy, but his heart didn't soften; so, still parleying with
+him in the porch, I sent the maid to my wife to see what she could do
+to ease the financial position.
+
+The maid returned with a shilling, which was my wife's limit, and this
+I tendered to the boy, explaining to him the theory of discount for
+net cash. But he was one of those small and obstinate creatures who
+won't learn, so I sent him round to the back premises to get some
+tea, while I retired to the front to do some thinking. It was at
+this moment that Albert chose, imprudently, to make an important
+announcement from the top of the stairs with regard to a first tooth,
+which he had lost by extraction the day before but had not yet been
+able to forget. His idea was that he should come down and inspect
+it once more; but I paid no heed to this. His mention of the matter
+suggested, when I came to think of it, a solution of my difficulty
+with the telegraph boy.
+
+Later, I asked my wife to step into my study and to shut the door
+behind her. "This has become a serious matter," said I; "nay, it
+threatens to be a grave scandal. You remember Albert's tooth?"
+
+She did. These things are not easily forgotten. "I wish," I pursued,
+"to interview Albert's nurse as to it," and I rang the bell sternly.
+
+"She hasn't got it," said my wife; "we have," and she took from the
+mantelpiece a small packet tied up with pink ribbon.
+
+I explained that it wasn't the child's molar but the child's funds
+that I was concerned with. "You will recollect that I compensated him
+for the loss of it with a shilling. It makes it all the more poignant
+that it was my last shilling. I put it into his money-box, the key of
+which is accessible to miscreants. That shilling is gone!"
+
+My wife smiled. "How did you find out?" she asked.
+
+"I had reason to be looking in the box," I said airily, "and happened
+by chance to notice that the shilling had been stolen."
+
+"You mean," said she, "that you were proposing to steal it yourself?"
+
+I disregarded the question. "I never did trust that nurse," said I.
+"But to steal the treasured capital of a defenceless infant!"
+
+"I am the thief," said my wife, "and you are the receiver. Whether
+or not the telegraph-boy will be jointly charged with us is for the
+police and Albert to decide between them."
+
+At this moment the nurse entered and asked what we required of her. My
+wife was confused, but not so I. I told nurse we required nothing of
+her but much of Albert. Would she ask him to step downstairs?
+
+We assembled in the porch, my wife, Albert, the nurse, and the
+telegraph boy. I took the chair.
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen," said I, "I have a proposal to lay before the
+meeting with a view to adjusting the acute crisis. Let me remind you
+of the facts:--The gentleman on my right," and I indicated Albert,
+whose attention wandered a little, "was recently possessed of a tooth,
+two parents, and a godfather of the name of Carr. The tooth, as teeth
+will, had to be removed; the parents, as parents may, advanced
+a shilling upon it; and the godfather, as godfathers needn't,
+telegraphed to say he was coming forthwith to the _locus in quo_.
+Things were so when Mr. (I didn't catch your name, Sir," and I turned
+to the telegraph boy) "threatened to liquidate us unless his debt was
+satisfied. Business is, as he very properly remarked, business. "Now
+for my suggestion: Albert," and I turned to him again, "will have, the
+telegram, which, being from _his_ godfather, is rightly his. He will,
+however, take it subject to encumbrances, of which, I understand, he
+has already discharged all but threepence. Happily his parents are
+willing to withdraw their first charge on his personal assets, and
+I have much satisfaction, Sir"--I bowed to the telegraph boy--"in
+presenting you with the goods, which were as recently as yesterday
+valued at no less than a shilling, and in asking you to keep the
+balance as a mark of our unshaken affection and esteem."
+
+And I handed him Albert's tooth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Accused, who gave the name of Janet Arthur, quoted Scott's
+    'Wha Hae' and other works."--_Lincolnshire Echo._
+
+Such as the Wha-Haeverley Novels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WORLD'S WORKERS.
+
+_Little Girl._ "PLEASE, MRS. MURPHY. MUVVER SAYS, IF IT'S FINE,
+TO-MORRER, WILL YOU GO BEGGIN' WITH 'ER?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "THORNS OF PRAISE."
+
+"HIS PURPLEST SIN."
+
+By VERNON BLATHERS (Jack Short, 6/-).
+
+
+_The Weekly Scotsman._ "... vivacious narrative ..."
+
+_The Strathpeffer Courant._ "Replete with up-to-date sentiment ...
+knowledge of the _beau monde_ ... racy, but never transcending the
+bounds of decorum."
+
+_The Buttevant Despatch._ "Passages which the author of 'The Rosary'
+might be proud to have written ... high ideals ... love interest well
+sustained ... careful punctuation."
+
+_The Nether Wallop News._ "Mr. Blathers is a benefactor ... reminds
+us of T. P. O'CONNOR ... luscious word-painting ... well-chosen
+epithets."
+
+_The Machrihamish Mirror._ "Stylish writing ... Mr. Blathers is
+evidently a _persona grata_ in the most _recherché_ circles."
+
+_The Chowbent Eagle._ "Edifying, yet entertaining ... faithful
+portraiture, but ... not in the least like ZOLA ... undoubtedly
+readable."
+
+_The Criccieth Sentinel._ "... inside knowledge of Mayfair ...
+redolent of humanity at its best ... fluid and flexible style ...
+suitable for a country congregation."
+
+_The Kilmarnock News._ "... cannot remember any book which ... better
+than this is."
+
+_The Pilworth Post._ "... redundant with wit ..."
+
+_The Peebles Advertiser._ "Mr. Blathers ... go far."
+
+_The Worcester Academy._ "Mr. Blathers is to be most heartily
+congratulated."
+
+_The N. Wales Dictator._ "... masterly delineation of the Smart Set."
+
+_The Peak News._ "... witty to excess."
+
+_The Bermondsey Examiner._ "Few books so well worth re- and
+re-reading."
+
+_The Poplar Courier._ "A fine novel."
+
+_The Sligo Spectator._ "... marked ability ..."
+
+_The Rutland Observer._ "... meritorious ..."
+
+_The Winchester Tribune._ "... feast of entertainment. Mr. Blathers'
+next should be ... awaited with impatience."
+
+_The Isle of Wight Critic._ "... clever novel ..."
+
+_The Cader-Idris Athenæum._ "... psychology ... humour ... passion."
+
+_The Bucklaw Post._ "... emotional depths ..."
+
+_The Sunday Deliverer._ "... remarkable book ..."
+
+_The Simla Gazette._ "... verdict ... profoundly enthralling work of
+fiction."
+
+_The Geelong Times._ "... better than ... GEORGE ELIOT."
+
+_The Cork Pall Mall._ "A brilliant first effort."
+
+_The Hackney Examiner._ "... well written ..."
+
+_The Tooting Express._ "... amusing ..."
+
+_The Monthly Citizen._ "The characters have life and movement."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Before lunch each section held its annual meeting in private,
+    and at two o'clock the company sat down to a substantial and
+    very acceptable repast, which was greatly relished by the
+    visitors. After being operated upon by a photographer the
+    party split."
+
+    _Ledbury Guardian._
+
+We were rather afraid they had overdone it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a photographic catalogue:--
+
+    "This is a most complete little Projector.... It is quite
+    self-contained and will protect a thirty-inch picture anywhere
+    at a moment's notice."
+
+It should be installed at the Royal Academy without delay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
+
+SOME OUTSTANDING FEATURES.
+
+_Park Lane._
+
+DEAREST DAPHNE,--The outstanding features of the season have certainly
+been the Friendship Fête, the Kamtchatkan Scriptural opera-ballet,
+"_Noé s'embarque sur l'Arche_," and the Cloak!
+
+The Friendship Fête, to celebrate our not having had any scraps with
+any foreign country for some little time, was simply immense. There
+were descriptive tableaux and groups, and the one undertaken by your
+Blanche--swords being turned into ploughshares and the figure of Peace
+standing in the middle, with Bellona crouching at her feet--was said
+to be an easy winner. I was Peace, of course, in chiffon draperies,
+with my hair down. I hadn't the faintest notion what sort of thing a
+ploughshare was, but I'd clever people to help me, and so it was all
+right. But oh, my best one! the difficulty I had in getting a Bellona!
+They all wanted to be Peace, and some of them were so absolutely
+horrid about it that I couldn't help telling them they were only
+showing how _fit_ they were to be Bellona! (I will tell _you_ in
+confidence that I believe one of them was responsible for some of my
+swords and ploughshares falling down with an immensely odious crash
+just as the opening ceremony was going on.) Norty was given the group
+of all nations, called, "All Men are Brothers," and he said on the
+whole it was rather a rotten job; there was a lot of friction, and
+at one time he was afraid things might get almost to _diplomatic_
+lengths; however, it all went smoothly at last. Still he told me
+_à l'oreille_ that he was glad it was well over, as two or three
+Friendship Fêtes would be enough to shake the peace of Europe to its
+foundations!
+
+But nothing matters much while one can go and see the wonderful,
+_wonderful_ Kamtchatkans in "_Noé s'embarque sur l'Arche_"--a feast of
+beauty--a riot of colour--a mass of inner meanings. Who am I, dearest,
+that I should try to word-paint it? Being an opera-ballet, there
+are two Noahs, a singing one and a dancing one. While that glorious
+Golliookin, the singing Noah, is giving the marvellous Flood Music in
+a gallery over the stage, our dear wonderful Ternitenky, the dancing
+Noah, is going into the Ark in a series of the most delicious _pas
+seuls_. Then his dance of Astonishment and Alarm as he sees the waters
+rising--and afterwards his dance of Joy and Thankfulness at finding
+himself quite dry! The _Pas de Six_ of Noah's Sons and their Wives!
+And the _ensemble_ dancing of the Animals! My dearest, you positively
+must and shall leave your solitudes and come and see the Kamtchatkans
+in Scriptural opera-ballet! Only second to _Noé_ is _La Femme de Lot_,
+with dear Sarkavina, in clouds of white, doing a sensational whirling
+dance as she turns into the Pillar, while that amazing soprano,
+Scriemalona, sings the mysterious Salt Music. Bishops quite _swarm_ at
+these performances. They say they consider it their _duty_ to go, and
+that they never _really_ understood the true character of NOAH till
+they saw Ternitenky's beautiful flying leap into the Ark, or quite
+grasped the personality of LOT'S Wife before seeing Sarkavina's
+Pillar-of-Salt dance.
+
+On _Noé_ and _Lot_ nights it's correct to carry a little darling Old
+Testament, bound in velvet or satin to match or contrast with
+one's toilette, and generally with jewels on the cover; and the
+Old Testament is quite often mentioned at dinner just now, people
+pretending they've been reading it, and so on. _À propos_, Mrs.
+Golding-Newman, one of the latest climbers, excused herself for being
+late at dinner somewhere the other night by saying, "I was
+reading Deuteronomy and didn't notice how the time was going." The
+Bullyon-Boundermere woman was present and, determined to trump her
+rival's trick, chipped in with, "Oh, _isn't_ Deuteronomy _charming_?
+But I think of _all_ the books of the Old Testament my favourite is In
+Memoriam!"
+
+The Cloak, my Daphne, which is one of the most interesting arrivals
+in town this summer, is, _à mon avis_, something quite _more_ than
+a garment--it is a great big test of all that a woman most prides
+herself on! You may see a thousand women with cloaks on, but how many
+will be _really wearing_ them! As one criticised the cloaks and their
+wearers in the Enclosure at Aswood one couldn't help murmuring with a
+small sigh, "Who is sufficient for these things!" People who have the
+cloak fastened on _in just any way_, my dear, are simply begging the
+question; in its true inwardness, in its loftiest development, the
+cloak should be a separate creation, kept in its place only by the
+grace and knack of its wearer. There should be _character_ about it, a
+fascinating droop, a sweat crookedness that can only happen when it is
+worn with the art that--you know the rest.
+
+Shall I confide to you my little secret, dearest? Would you know why
+it is given to your Blanche to be easily best of the few women who do
+really _wear_ the cloak? When I'm ready, all but nay cloak, I run away
+from Yvonne down the stairs; she follows, carrying the cloak, and when
+she's beginning to overtake me she throws the cloak and I catch it on
+my shoulders. Result--I'm the envy and despair of all my best beloved
+enemies!
+
+People have been trying to find new places to wear their watches. A
+small watch on the toe of each shoe (plain for day wear, jewelled for
+the evening) had quite a little vogue, though as watches they were no
+good, for no one could see the time by them. Then little teeny watches
+on the tips of glove-fingers were liked a little. But the latest
+development is that Time is _démodé_, and anyone mentioning hours and
+half-hours is stamped as an outside person.
+
+Isn't this a _fragrant_ idea about our not being to blame for
+anything we do, because it's all owing to the _colours_ we live with?
+Everybody's _charmed_ about it. Instead of going to _lawyers_
+when things run off the rails a little, if one just called in a
+_colour-expert_ all sorts of horrors might be avoided, for he would
+prove that people are like that owing to the colours of their curtains
+and upholsteries, and aren't to blame themselves, poor, dears, the
+very least little bit! The Thistledown _ménage_, for instance. For
+ages it's been tottery, because Thistledown never understood Fluffy,
+and Fluffy, poor little thing, seemed to understand everybody except
+Thistledown. We've all been so sorry for her, for several times he's
+been on the point of dragging things into public. And now it turns out
+that nothing is Fluffy's fault and that, if she hadn't always had her
+own, own room done in pinky-bluey shades, she might have been quite a
+serious domestic character! T. says, if that's so, she'd better have
+her own, own room done in some other colour, but Fluffy says, No, she
+likes pinky-bluey shades, only he must remember, when he's inclined to
+be hard on her, that the pinky-blueys are to blame and not herself.
+
+Then there's old Lady Humguffin, easily the most miserly old dear who
+ever wore a transformation (she even has a taxi-meter thing in her
+own motors and anyone driving with her is expected to pay what it
+registers!). Colour-experts say that if it weren't for the frightfully
+dull dusty purple in which all her rooms are furnished she might part
+quite freely!
+
+So there it is, my dear! People say there's been no such important
+discovery since Gallienus--that fearful old man, you know, who said
+something moved when everyone else said it didn't. (I hardly know
+_how_ I know these things. Please, please don't think I'm becoming a
+_femme savante_!).
+
+  Ever thine,    BLANCHE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO MUCH CHAMPIONSHIP.
+
+Once life was an easy thing.
+
+Yorkshire or Surrey or Kent were cricket champions. RANJI or W. G.
+headed the batting averages; RHODES or RICHARDSON the bowling. The
+office boy who knew these details plus the Boat Race winner and the
+English Cup-holders could keep his end up in conversation. He even
+found time to do a little work.
+
+But now! That poor brain must know that McGinty of Fulham fetched
+£1,000 when put up for auction, that the front line of Blackburn
+Rovers represents an expense of £11,321 13s. 4d., and that Chelsea
+have played before 71,935 spectators. He must know the champions of
+the First, Second, Southern, Midland, and Scottish Leagues, and the
+teams that gained promotion.
+
+Then there is cricket--all worked out to "those damned dots," as
+Lord RANDOLPH said in an inspired moment. Think of the strain of
+remembering that Middlesex stands at 78.66 and Surrey at 72.94. And
+the sporting papers are publishing lists of catches made; and lists of
+catches missed are sure to follow. Think of it--you may have to name
+the Champion Butterfingers in 1915!
+
+Come to tennis. You must know the names of the Australian Terror, the
+New Zealand Cyclone, the American Whirlwind. You must at a glance be
+able to pronounce on the nationality of Mavrogordato or Froitzheim.
+You have the strain of proving that the victory of a New Zealander
+over a German proves the vitality of the dear old country.
+
+Or boxing. How can an ordinary mind retain the names of all the White
+Hopes or Black Despairs. At any moment some Terrible Magyar may wrest
+the bantam championship from us. You must learn to distinguish between
+WELLS, the reconstructor of the universe, and Knock-out WELLS. You
+must be acquainted with the doings and prospects of Dreadnought Brown
+and Mulekick Jones. You must know the F. E. Smithian repartees of JACK
+JOHNSON.
+
+Let us talk of golf. No, on second thoughts, let us notably refrain
+from talking about golf. Only if you don't know who defeated TRAVERS
+(_plus_ lumbago) and who eclipsed America's Bright Boy, you must hide
+your head in shame.
+
+We come to rowing. Once one could stay, "Ah, Leander," and with
+an easy shrug of the shoulders pass from the subject. But when
+international issues are involved, and the win of a Canadian or
+American or German crew may cause _The Daily Mail_ to declare (for the
+hundredth time) that England is played out, a man simply has to keep
+abreast of the results.
+
+There are a score of other things. Name for me, if you can, the
+Great American Four, the hydro-aeroplane champion, the M.P. champion
+pigeon-flyer, and the motor-bike hill-climbing champion.
+
+And the Olympic games are coming! Who are England's hopes in the
+discus-throwing and the fancy diving? What Britisher must we rely on
+in the javelin hop-skip-and-jump?
+
+Your brain reels at the prospect. We must decide to ignore all
+future championships. We must decline to be aggravated if a Japanese
+Badminton champion appears. We must cease to be interested if
+Britain's Hope beats the Horrible Peruvian at Tiddly-winks.
+
+There are three admirable reasons for this.
+
+The first is that we must play some games ourselves.
+
+The second, that, unless a check be put to championships, the
+Parliamentary news will be crowded out of the papers and we shall find
+ourselves in an unnatural state of peace and goodwill.
+
+The third, which one puts forward with diffidence, is that somebody,
+somewhere, somehow, sometime must do a little work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wife (with some sadness)._ "AH, WELL, HENRY, I SUPPOSE
+IT'S A BIT TOO LATE FOR YOU TO THINK OF THAT NOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  TO THE MEMORY
+  OF
+  JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN.
+
+  BORN 1836.                DIED JULY 2ND, 1914.
+
+  Ere warmth of Spring had stirred the wintry lands--
+    Spring that for him had no renewing breath--
+  He went apart to wait with folded hands
+        The lingering feet of Death.
+
+  Long had he laid his burnished armour by,
+    But still we flew his banner for a sign,
+  Still felt his spirit like a rallying-cry
+        Hearten the fighting line.
+
+  But he--ah, none could know the heavy strain,
+    Patiently to accept the watcher's part
+  While yet no weakness sapped the virile brain
+        Nor dulled the eager heart.
+
+  He should have died with all his harness on,
+    As those the Valkyr bore from out the fight,
+  In ringing mail that still unrusted shone,
+        Up to Valhalla's height.
+
+  Yet solace flowed from that surcease of strife:
+    Love found occasion in his need of care,
+  And time was ours to prove how dear the life
+        An Empire ill could spare.
+
+  And generous foes confessed the magic spell
+    Of greatness gone, that left the common store
+  Poor by his loss who loved his party well,
+        But loved his country more.
+
+  And ancient rivalries seemed very small
+    Beside that courage constant to the end;
+  And even Death, last enemy of all,
+        Came to him like a friend.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. JULY 2ND, 1914.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 6._--All heads were bared when the
+PRIME MINISTER rose to move adjournment of HOUSE in sign of sorrow at
+the passing way of a great Parliament man. To vast majority of present
+House JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN is a tradition. His personal presence, its
+commanding force, is varied and invariable attraction are unknown.
+Since his final re-election by faithful Birmingham, where, like the
+Shunamite woman, he dwelt among his own people loving and loved, he
+only once entered the House.
+
+It was a tragic scene, perhaps happily witnessed by few. Appointed
+business of sitting concluded and Members departed, a figure that once
+commanded attention of a listening Senate slowly entered from behind
+the SPEAKER'S chair. It was the senior Member for Birmingham come
+to take the oath. The action was indicative of his thoroughness and
+loyalty. No longer were oaths, rolls of Parliament and seats on either
+Front Bench matters of concern to him. His manifold task was done. His
+brilliant course was run. But, until he took the oath and signed the
+roll, he was not _de jure_ a Member of the House of Commons, and his
+vote might not be available by the Whips for a pair on a critical
+division.
+
+Accordingly here he was, moving haltingly with the aid of a stick,
+supported by the strong arm of the son whose maiden speech his old
+chief GLADSTONE years ago welcomed as "dear and refreshing to a
+father's heart." He took the oath and signed the roll--an historic
+page in a unique volume. With dimmed eyes he glanced round the
+familiar scene of hard fights and great triumphs, and went forth never
+to return.
+
+To-day he lived again in speeches delivered by the PRIME MINISTER, by
+the LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, and by the Cabinet colleague and leader
+to whom he was loyal to the last. The practice of delivering set
+eulogies to the memory of the departed great is the most difficult
+that falls to the lot of a Leader on either side of House of Commons.
+In some hands it has uncontrollable tendency to the artificiality
+and insipidity of funeral baked meats. DISRAELI was a failure on such
+occasions; GLADSTONE at his best. PRINCE ARTHUR, usually supreme, did
+not to-day reach his accustomed lofty level.
+
+In fineness of tone and exquisite felicity of phrasing, ASQUITH
+excelled himself. The first time the House of Commons caught a glimpse
+of profound depths of a nature habitually masked by impassive manner
+and curt speech was when he talked to it in broken voice about
+CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, just dead. Speaking this afternoon about one with
+whom, as he said, he "had exchanged many blows," he was even more
+impressive, not less by reason of the eloquence of his speech than by
+its simplicity and sincerity.
+
+_Business done._--In the House of Lords _le brave_ WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE
+was, if the phrase be Parliamentary, broken in the Division Lobby.
+Insisting on fighting the Home Rule Amending Bill to the last, he
+found himself supported by ten peers, a Liberal Ministry having for an
+important measure the majority, unparalleled in modern times, of 263.
+
+When figures were announced Lord CREWE, reminiscent of the farmer
+smacking his lips over a liqueur glass of old brandy, remarked to
+Viscount MORLEY, "I should like some more of that in a moog."
+
+_Tuesday._--Interesting episode preceded main business of sitting.
+Sort of rehearsal of meeting of Parliament on College Green. Opened
+by SHEEHAN rising from Bench partially filled by O'Brienites to move
+issue of new writ for North Galway. Had it been an English borough
+nothing particular would have happened. Writ would have been ordered
+as matter of course, and there an end on't.
+
+Things different on College Green. When SHEEHAN sat down, up gat
+Captain DONELAN from Redmondite camp, which when moved to Dublin will,
+by reason of numerical majority, be analogous to Ministerialists at
+Westminister. DONELAN remarked that in his capacity as Nationalist
+Whip he intended to move issue of writ next Monday. This fully
+explained why O'BRIEN'S young man moved it to-day. Otherwise cause of
+quarrel obscure. What they fought each other for dense mind of Saxon
+could not make out.
+
+Ambiguity partly due to DONELAN. Lacking the volubility common to his
+countrymen he had prepared heads of his speech jotted down on piece
+of notepaper. This so intricately folded that sequence of remarks
+occasionally suffered. Situation further complicated by accidental
+turning over of notes upside down. House grateful when presently TIM
+HEALY interposed. He being past-master of lucid statement, we should
+now know all about circumstances which apparently, to the temporary
+shouldering aside of Ulster, rocked Ireland to its centre.
+
+[Illustration: TIM BUONAPARTE.]
+
+Unfortunately TIM was embarrassed by attempt to assume a novel
+oratorical attitude. Usually he addresses House with studied
+carelessness of hands lightly clasped behind his back. Presumably in
+consideration of supreme national importance of the question whether
+SHEEHAN should move issue of writ to-day or DONELAN on Monday, he
+essayed a new attitude. It recalled NAPOLEON at Fontainebleau folding
+his arms majestically as he bade farewell to remnant of the Old Guard.
+
+Attempt, several times repeated, proved a failure. Somehow or other
+TIM'S arms would not adjust themselves to novel circumstances, and
+fell back into the old _laissez-faire_ position. Speech repeatedly
+interrupted on points of order by compatriots on back benches. What
+was clear was that some one had filed a petition in bankruptcy.
+Identity of delinquent not so clear.
+
+[Illustration: "Prospective first Speaker of a modern Irish
+Parliament."
+
+(Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL.)]
+
+However, as a foretaste of debate in Home Rule Parliament, proceedings
+interesting and instructive. Disposed of slanderous suggestions of
+disorder. Never, or hardly ever, was a more decorous debate. To
+it SWIFT MACNEILL, prospective first Speaker of a modern Irish
+Parliament, lent the dignity and authority of his patronage. Pretty
+to see him, as debate went forward, glancing aside at his
+wigged-and-gowned brother in the Chair, as who should say, "What do
+you think of this, Sir?"
+
+_Business done._--With assistance of Ministerial forces, O'Brienite
+motion for issue of writ for Galway defeated by Redmondite amendment
+to adjourn debate. WILLIAM O'BRIEN took swift revenge. House dividing
+on PREMIER'S motion allotting time for remaining stages of Budget
+Bill, he led his little flock into Opposition Lobby, assisting to
+reduce Ministerial majority to figure of 23. In this labour of love he
+found himself assisted by abstention of two groups of Ministerialists,
+one objecting to procedure on Finance Bill, the other thirsting for
+blood of the Ulster gun-runners.
+
+If PREMIER still hesitates about Autumn Session this incident should
+help him to make up his mind. The Government will be safer with its
+Members on the moors or the golf links than daily running the gauntlet
+at Westminster.
+
+_House of Lords, Thursday._--When noble lords take their legislative
+business seriously in hand they show the Commons a better way. Their
+dealing with the Amending Bill has been a model of businesslike
+procedure. Speeches uniformly brief because kept strictly to the
+point. Amendments carefully considered in council and moved from Front
+Opposition Bench were carried by large majorities.
+
+_Business done._--Home Rule Amending Bill turned inside out in two
+sittings. Own father wouldn't know it. SARK sums up situation by
+paraphrase of historic saying. "They have," he remarks, "made a new
+Bill and call it Peace."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EX-VICEREGAL BAG. (Earl CURZON.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.
+
+GREAT AMERICAN INVASION.
+
+The prospects of the forthcoming campaign in the East Worcestershire
+Division have been greatly brightened by the decision of the
+well-known sportsman, Mr. Otis Q. Janaway, to stand as an Independent
+Candidate with the express purpose of speeding-up the British
+Legislature. Mr. Janaway, who graduated in sociology at the University
+of Pensacola, and has recently been naturalised as a British subject,
+has brought with him a team of baseball players, four white and four
+coloured prize-fighters, and a chorus of variety artistes who will
+appear and sing at all his meetings. He is a powerful speaker with a
+great fund of anecdote, and his programme includes Compulsory Phonetic
+Spelling, the establishment of Christian Science, Electrocution, and
+the introduction of College Yells in Parliament. If her husband is
+elected, Mrs. Janaway has announced her intention of embracing the
+Speaker at the earliest opportunity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Professor Thaddeus Mulhooly, who was until recently President of the
+University of Tuskahoma, has taken up his residence at Ballybunnion
+with a view to qualifying as Parliamentary Candidate for North Kerry.
+Professor Mulhooly, whose grandparents resided at Tralee, has made
+a very favourable impression by the filial affection shown in his
+election war-cry, which runs, "Tralee, Trala, Tara Tarara, Tzing Boum
+Oshkosh." His platform is that of a Pan-Celtic Vegetarian, and he has
+secured the influential support of Mr. UPTON SINCLAIR, who is acting
+as his election agent, and who publicly embraced him at a meeting at
+Dingle last week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+General Amos Cadwalader Stunt, the well-known Colorado mining magnate,
+who recently purchased the Isle of Rum, has announced his intention
+of contesting the Elgin Burghs in the Liquid Paraffin interest. At a
+political meeting at Lossiemouth last week he held the attention of
+a crowded audience for upwards of an hour, during which his bodyguard
+serenaded him with mouth-organs and banjos, the interruptions of
+hecklers having been effectually discounted by a liberal distribution
+of chewing gum. At the close of this great effort General Stunt was
+publicly embraced by his wife's mother, Mrs. Titania Flagler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The by-election campaign at Hanley opened auspiciously on Thursday
+with a demonstration in favour of Mr. Cyrus P. Slocum, the eminent
+Pittsburg safety razor magnate, who has been selected by the
+Association of American Manufacturers in England to represent their
+interests at Westminster. Before Mr. Slocum rose the audience sang "My
+Country, 'tis of Thee" continuously for forty-five minutes and waved
+the Stars and Stripes for fully twenty minutes longer. Finally, the
+popular candidate was carried shoulder-high from the platform to
+his motor and smothered with kisses from his compatriots, the vast
+assemblage dispersing to the jocund strains of "John Brown's Body."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Great satisfaction is felt in American golfing circles at the
+announcement that Mr. Olonzo Jaggers has decided to contest the
+Tantallon Division of Haddingtonshire. Mr. Jaggers, who has recently
+erected a tasteful châlet on the Bass Rock, has just issued his
+election address. The two main planks of his platform are the
+legalising of the Schenectady putter for all golf meetings, and of
+megaphones and mouth-organs in the House of Commons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNTRUSTWORTHY WITNESS.
+
+_Mother._ "GERALD, A LITTLE BIRD HAS JUST TOLD ME THAT YOU HAVE BEEN A
+VERY NAUGHTY LITTLE BOY THIS AFTERNOON."
+
+_Gerald._ "DON'T YOU BELIEVE HIM, MUMMY. I'LL BET HE'S THE ONE THAT
+STEALS OUR RASPBERRIES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMANDA.
+
+  When the thunders are still and the tempests are furled
+  There are sights of all sorts in this wonderful world;
+  But the best of all sights in the season of hay
+  Is Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  She can toss it as other girls toss up a cap,
+  And her eyes have a glow that can dry the green sap;
+  She's as good as the sun's most beneficent ray,
+  Is Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  Oh, her smile is a treat and her frown is the deuce;
+  She can always say "hiss me" or "bo" to a goose;
+  When she gives you her hand she just melts you away,
+  Does Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  In a field of soft clover I marked her one night,
+  And her foot it was dainty, her step it was light,
+  And I laughed to myself to behold her so gay,
+  Miss Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  Then the sound of her voice from December to June
+  And from June to December is always a tune;
+  All the elves when they hear it stop short in their play
+  For Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  When she sits on her chair like a queen on her throne
+  She has beautiful manners entirely her own;
+  But you'd better take care what you venture to say
+  To Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  P.S.--Since I managed to write the above
+  I've been round to her house and I've offered my love;
+  And she laughed and made jokes, but she didn't say nay,
+  My Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Easter this year the ladies gave their first public
+    performance by ringing a peal at a local wedding. The ladies
+    now ring regularly every week. Some idea of the work may be
+    gathered from the fact that the tenor bell weighs 11 cwt.,
+    and yet, through all the training, not even a stay has been
+    broken."--_Church Monthly._
+
+Our feminine readers would like to know the name of the bellringers'
+_corsetière_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter to _The Daily Mail_:--
+
+    "One of our greatest poets was an apothecary's assistant, but
+    his 'Ode to a Skylark' is eternal."
+
+        Hail to thee, blithe SHELLEY!
+        KEATS thou never wert.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter to _The Market Mail_:--
+
+    "I enclose my card and remains.--Yours truly, VICTIM."
+
+We advise our contemporary to return the body.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INQUISITION.
+
+LETTER I.
+
+_Julius Pitherby, Esq., to myself._
+
+DEAR SIR,--Henry Anderson, who is an applicant for my temporarily
+vacant situation as working gardener, assistant hedger and ditcher and
+superintending odd man (single-handed), has referred me to you as
+to his character and qualifications, stating that he was in your
+employment--I gather some nine years ago--for a time. You will
+therefore, I trust, forgive me if I take the liberty of asking you to
+be good enough to answer the following questions concerning him and
+his wife. He calls himself twenty-five, married, with no family.
+
+(1) _Was_ he in your employment?
+
+(2) When?
+
+(3) Is he twenty-five?
+
+(4) Is he married?
+
+(5) Has he no family?
+
+(6) Is he _strictly_ sober? (These words are to be taken quite
+literally.)
+
+(7) His wife ditto?
+
+(8) Is he decent and morally respectable, careful in his habits and
+guarded in his language?
+
+(9) His wife ditto?
+
+(10) Is he honest and reliable?
+
+(11) His wife ditto, and _not one to answer back_?
+
+(12) Are they both used to the country, contented in their sphere,
+interested in rural surroundings, fond of children, fond of animals,
+fond of fruit?
+
+(13) Is he strong and healthy, neither shortsighted nor deaf? (I have
+suffered much from both.)
+
+(14) His wife ditto, _and always tidy_?
+
+(15) Does he stammer? (I have been greatly inconvenienced by this.)
+
+(16) His wife ditto?
+
+(17) Does he squint? (This has often been a trial to me.)
+
+(18) His wife ditto?
+
+(19) Is he active, industrious, enthusiastic and an early riser,
+good-natured, equable and obliging?
+
+(20) His wife ditto, and _no gossip_?
+
+(21) Is he a heavy smoker?
+
+(22) His wife ditto?
+
+(23) Is he well up to the culture of vegetables, the upraising of
+flowers and the education of fruit, both outside and under glass?
+
+(24) Is he capable of feeding hens, driving a motor, overhauling a
+pianola, carving or waiting at table if required?
+
+(25) To what Church do they belong? What are their favourite
+recreations? Do they sing in the choir? if so, is he tenor or
+baritone; his wife ditto?
+
+(26) Are they on good terms with each other, and _no domestic
+bickering_?
+
+(27) What wages did you pay him?
+
+(28) Why (on earth) did you part with him?
+
+An immediate answer will greatly oblige. I enclose an addressed
+envelope.
+
+I am, Your obedient Servant,
+
+JULIUS PITHERBY.
+
+
+LETTER II.
+
+_Myself to Julius Pitherby, Esq.,
+
+Manor Orange, Pimhaven._
+
+DEAR SIR,--I thank you for your letter. The answers to questions (1),
+(2), (25), (27) and (28) are in the affirmative. With regard to the
+others you have, no doubt unwittingly, put me in rather a dilemma. You
+see, Anderson left my service when he was sixteen and I have not heard
+of him since, though it is true that I did see his father (who belongs
+to this neighbourhood) on the roof of the church one day last month.
+I might make shots at them, of course, but I dare say it is better to
+leave it. I am interested to learn that Henry is married.
+
+I am,    Yours faithfully, &c.
+
+
+LETTER III.
+
+_Myself to Henry Anderson,
+c/o Ezekiel Anderson, Slater,
+Crashie, Howe._
+
+MY DEAR HENRY,--I do not think if I were you I should accept Mr.
+Julius Pitherby's offer of a job. Your marriage may, of course, have
+been--I hope it was--the occasion of your turning over a new leaf.
+Still, I doubt if you are quite the paragon he is looking for, and I
+am afraid that you may find him a little inquisitive.
+
+I am,    Yours faithfully, &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+THE POWER OF THE PRESS.
+
+Once upon a time there was a quiet respectable little
+spell-of-hot-weather, with no idea of being a nuisance or doing
+more than warm people up a bit, and make the summer really feel like
+summer, and add attraction to seaside resorts. Directly it reached our
+shores every one began to be happy; and they would have gone on being
+so but for the sub-editors, who cannot leave well alone but must be
+for ever finding adjectives for it and teasing it with attentions.
+Just then they were particularly free to turn their attentions to the
+kindly visitor, because there was no good murder at the moment, and no
+divorce case, and no spicy society scandal, and therefore their pages
+were in need of filling. And seeing the little spell-of-hot-weather
+they gave way to their passion for labelling everything with crisp
+terseness--or terse crispness (I forget which)--and called it a "heat
+wave," and straightway began to give it half the paper, and with huge
+headings such as, "THE HEAT-WAVE," "HEAT-WAVE STILL GROWING," "80 IN
+THE SHADE," "HOW TO SUPPORT SUCH WEATHER," so that the nice little
+spell-of-hot-weather was gradually goaded into the desire really to
+justify this excitement.
+
+"Very well," it said, "I never meant to be more than 80 in the shade
+and a pleasant interlude in the usual disappointing English June; but
+since they're determined I'm a nuisance I'll be one. I'll go up to
+84."
+
+And it did. It reached 84; and the wise people who like warmth
+said, "How splendid! If only it would go on like this for ever! Not
+hotter--just like this.".
+
+But the sub-editors were not satisfied. They had got hold of a good
+thing and they meant to run it for all it was worth. So "HOTTER THAN
+EVER" they sprawled across their papers, there still being nothing of
+real public interest to distract them, "HOTTER TOMORROW," "HEAT-WAVE
+GROWING," "TERRIBLE HEAT."
+
+And now the spell-of-hot-weather was stimulated to be really vicious.
+"I call Heaven to witness," it said, "that my sole desire was to be
+genial and beneficial. But what can one do when one is taunted and
+provoked, abused and nick-named like this? Very well then, I'll go up
+to 90!"
+
+And it did. The sub-editors were delighted. "APPALLING HEAT," they
+wrote, "TROPICAL ENGLAND," "GASPING LONDON," "HEAT-WAVE BREAKS ALL
+RECORDS," "HOTTEST DAY FOR FIFTY YEARS," "NO SIGNS OF RELIEF."
+
+And even the people who like warmth began to grumble a
+little--hypnotised by the Press. But the spell-of-hot-weather had had
+enough. "I'll go somewhere else, where I'm really welcome and they
+don't have contents bills," it said, and it crossed the Channel to
+Paris. It looked back to the English shores, deserted now by the happy
+paddlers and bathers and baskers of the days before. "I'm sorry to
+leave you," it said, "but don't blame me."
+
+Yet the public did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The downpour of rain, which lasted for an hour, was preceded
+    by a remarkable shower of hailstones, some of which were
+    almost as large as marbles, and were as hard as ice."
+
+    _Yorkshire Herald._
+
+And then came the rain, some drops of which were as wet as water.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The tussle between Mr. Matheson and Mr. Anderson was carried
+    to the 18th green, where the latter stood one."--_Daily
+    Record._
+
+"Mine's a gin and ginger," said Mr. MATHESON, as he holed the winning
+put.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CREATION OF A MASTERPIECE OF MILLINERY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GUARDED GREEN.
+
+[_It has been suggested that spectators at popular golf competitions
+should be installed in grand stands and other enclosures, and be
+restrained from wandering about the links._]
+
+
+In playing his tee shot from in front of the Green Steward's marquee,
+Mr. Tullbrown-Smith, who took the honour in the final round of the
+1916 Amateur Championship, unfortunately pulled his ball, with the
+result that, narrowly missing the Actors' Benevolent Fund stand, it
+entered the grand ducal box. The Grand Duke Raphael graciously decided
+that Mr. Tullbrown-Smith should be presented to His Imperial Highness
+before playing out. Pardonable nervousness proved fatal to the shot,
+which, being badly topped, fell into the Press pen, where it was
+photographed by _The Daily Mirror's_ special artist before it could be
+recovered by its owner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is interesting to record that along the straight mile boarded by
+the shilling enclosure Mr. Tanquery McBrail, who had been playing with
+marvellously decorative effect, had his ball blown into the bunker at
+the tenth by the laughter of the less well-informed onlookers, while a
+regrettable incident was the contribution of several empty ginger-beer
+bottles to the natural difficulties of the hazard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some dissatisfaction was expressed among the occupants of the cinema
+operators' cage. From the position allotted to them by the publicity
+committee it was impossible to film the most interesting moments in
+the Championship round, such as Mr. Tullbrown-Smith's acceptance of a
+peeled banana from his caddie on emerging from the particularly scenic
+bunker known as "Hell." Also a fine "picture" was missed at the
+13th tee, where Mr. Tanquery McBrail was surrounded by a militant
+suffragist, who had invaded the course in spite of the rabbit-wire and
+double _chevaux-de-frise_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Owing to the fact that the fashionable audience assembled in the
+Guards', Cavalry and Bath Club stands insisted upon encoring both
+players' wonderful putts at the 16th green, and the consequent delay
+of nearly ten minutes, there were some rather ugly manifestations of
+impatience in the cheaper seats. In spite of the fact that the Pale
+Pink Pierrots had been specially engaged to fill the interval before
+the finalists passed, they were so loudly booed upon their
+arrival that Mr. Tanquery McBrail put his mashie approach into the
+Parliamentary compound, amidst the jeers and hoots of the more
+unruly, who seemed to forget that the royal and ancient game is not a
+music-hall entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The fact that the links marshal had placed all the professional
+players present in one row of fauteuils, opposite the long carry to
+the 18th green, hardly seemed to further the interests of perfect
+golf. The warmest acknowledgments are therefore due to a number of
+ex-open champions, who kindly turned their backs on what proved one of
+the most distressing episodes in the day's play.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MARK OF DISTINCTION.
+
+When I passed our butcher's on my way to the station yesterday
+morning, I noticed outside his shop a placard prominently displayed,
+which read:--"Williamson's Spring Lamb. So different from the ordinary
+butchers."
+
+There was no apostrophe before the "s" in "butchers," so the reference
+was clearly to Williamson and not Williamson's Spring Lamb.
+
+"Is Williamson really different from his rivals?" I said to myself,
+crossing to the other side of the road to take a general survey of
+the shop front. No, the same sort of joints seemed to be hanging up as
+those in other butchers' windows; the same sort of legends attached to
+those which passers-by were invited to note particularly.
+
+I crossed the road again. Yes, as I feared. There were several
+ordinary flies and at least one bluebottle exercising themselves
+on the meat. The choice cutlets were not isolated or decorated with
+garlands, or made a fuss of in any way. They just fraternised on terms
+of equality with the rest. The usual "young lady" in a smart blouse,
+with her bare pink neck served up in a ham-frill, sat behind the
+usual window, probably trying to work out the usual sums in butcher's
+arithmetic.
+
+The top half of Mr. Williamson was visible behind his chopping-table.
+He saw me and touched his hat--a bowler; nothing very extraordinary
+about the bowler. The brim was certainly a great deal flatter than I
+like personally, but quite in keeping with the general tastes of those
+who purvey meat.
+
+I thought it better to postpone further investigations, and reflected
+that Honor might be able to enlighten me when I returned home that
+evening.
+
+"No," she said, when I asked her about it, "I haven't noticed anything
+exceptionally superior about him."
+
+"Bills any different?"
+
+"No," she said, "they take as long to pay; about as exorbitant as most
+of the others."
+
+"Have you observed anything peculiar about his manners, then?" I said;
+"does he ever throw chops at you, for instance, when you pass the
+shop?"
+
+"No such luck," said Honor; "I'm a good catch."
+
+"Perhaps they give you tea," I said, "when you make an afternoon call
+on the sirloins?"
+
+"Indeed they don't," said Honor, "not even when I go to pay something
+off the book."
+
+"Then perhaps you have cosy little auction bridge parties in the room
+behind the cashier's window? No? Butchers are behind the times."
+
+"There ought," said Honor, "to be a good joke to be made out of
+that--a newspaper joke; but I can't quite see how to make it just
+yet."
+
+"That's something to the good," I said. "However, to our muttons."
+
+"Rotten," said Honor.
+
+"What of his entourage?" I said, ignoring her comment; "his
+steak-bearer and the like?"
+
+"Nothing unusual; just _épris_ with Emily."
+
+"Then where, oh where," I said, "is this difference that Williamson
+brags about?"
+
+"I don't know," Honor said helplessly.
+
+"I shall find out," I said, "even if I have to do the housekeeping
+myself for a bit."
+
+"You can take it on," she said, "when you like."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Aha!" I said triumphantly, as I burst into the room this evening.
+"I've solved the Williamson problem. He was standing at his door as I
+passed just now, in all the regalia of his dread office."
+
+"And you went up to him and said, 'Well, what about it?' and pointed
+to the notice, I suppose."
+
+"Not at all," I said; "I merely looked at him and the scales fell from
+my eyes. He butches in spats."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In the open Golf Championship Treen won with 78."--_Monthly
+    Daily Chronicle._
+
+Next year it will be the saintly ANDREW'S turn again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "With lightning-like repetition of his strides (his quick
+    action is the essence of his speed), Applegarth came flying
+    down the home straight."--_Yorkshire Post._
+
+Seeing that we were looking to APPLEGARTH to uphold British prestige
+at the next Olympic games, we regret extremely that the secret of his
+speed should have been given away to our rivals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Counsel._ "PRISONER IS THE MAN YOU SAW COMMIT THE
+THEFT?"
+
+_Witness (a bookmaker)._ "YES, SIR."
+
+_Counsel._ "YOU SWEAR ON YOUR OATH THAT PRISONER IS THE MAN?"
+
+_Witness._ "YES, SIR."
+
+_Sporting Judge._ "ARE YOU PREPARED TO GIVE ME FIVE TO TWO ON THE
+PRISONER BEING THE MAN?"
+
+_Witness._ "AH, I'M SORRY, ME LORD, BUT I'M TAKING A HOLIDAY TO-DAY.
+NOTHING DOING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+ELLEN MELICENT COBDEN can certainly not be accused of writing too
+hurriedly. I don't know how many years it is since, as "MILES AMBER,"
+she captured my admiration with that wonderful first novel, _Wistons_;
+and now here is her second, _Sylvia Saxon_ (UNWIN), only just
+appearing. I may say at once that it entirely confirms my impression
+that she is a writer of very real and original gifts. _Sylvia Saxon_
+is not a pleasant book. It is hard, more than a little bitter, and
+deliberately unsympathetic in treatment. But it is grimly real.
+_Sylvia_ herself is a character that lives, and her mother, Rachel,
+almost eclipses her in this same quality of tragic vitality. The
+whole tale is a tragedy of empty and meaningless lives passed in
+an atmosphere of too much money and too little significance. The
+"society" of a Northern manufacturing plutocracy, the display and
+rivalry, the marriages between the enriched families, the absence of
+any standard except wealth--all these things are set down with
+the minute realism that must come, I am sure, of intimate personal
+knowledge. _Sylvia_ is the offspring of one such family, and mated to
+the decadent heir of another. Her tragedy is that too late she meets a
+man whom she supposes capable of giving her the fuller, more complete
+life for which she has always ignorantly yearned. Then there is
+_Anne_, the penniless girl, hired as a child to be a playfellow for
+_Sylvia_, who herself loves the same man, and dies when his
+dawning affection is ruthlessly swept away from her by the dominant
+personality of _Sylvia_. A tale, one might call it, of unhappy women;
+not made the less grim by the fact that the man for whom they fought
+is shown as wholly unworthy of such emotion. A powerful, disturbing
+and highly original story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SAKI" has been now for a number of years a great delight to me, and
+his last work, _Beasts and Super-Beasts_ (LANE), is as good as any
+of its predecessors. Clothed in the elegant garments of _Clovis_ or
+_Reginald_, Mr. MUNRO makes plain to us how lovely this world might be
+were we only a little bolder about our practical jokes. In the art
+of introducing bears into the boudoir of a countess or pigs into the
+study of a diplomat, and then clinching the matter with the wittiest
+of epigrams, _Clovis_ is supreme. He knows, too, an immense amount
+about the vengeance that children may take upon their relations,
+and ladies upon their lady friends. I like him especially when he
+manoeuvres some stupid but kind-hearted woman into a situation of
+whose peril she herself is only cloudily aware, while the reader knows
+all about it. That is the fun of the whole thing. The reader is for
+ever assisting _Clovis_ and _Reginald_; in the course of their daring
+adventures he connives from behind curtains, through key-holes, from
+ambushes in trees, and always, whilst the poor creature is being
+harried by wild boars or terrified by menacing kittens, _Clovis_ may
+be observed, with finger on lip, begging of the intelligent reader
+that he will not give things away. Of the present collection of
+stories I like best "A Touch of Realism," "The Byzantine Omelette,"
+"The Boar-Pig," and "The Dreamer;" but all are good, and I can only
+hope that it will not be too long before _Clovis_ once again invites
+us to further delightful conspiracies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Ars est celara artem_, and not to define and emphasise it in a
+foreword to the reader. The motive of _The Last Shot_ (CHAPMAN AND
+HALL) appears in due course in the narrative; I would have preferred
+to discover it gradually for myself rather than have the essence of
+it extracted and poured into me in advance. The preface has not the
+excuse of a mere advertisement; to open this book at any point is to
+read the whole, and every page is the strongest possible incentive
+to the reading of the others. If (as is not admitted) any personal
+explanation was necessary, it should have been put at the end and in
+small type so that those who, like myself, detest explanations might
+have avoided this one. I am the more severe about this, because
+there can be no two opinions as to Mr. FREDERICK PALMER'S success
+in achieving his purpose, which, obviously, was to conceive modern
+warfare as between two First-class Powers, fighting in the midst of
+civilisation, and to reduce it to terms of exact realism, showing the
+latest devices of destruction at work, but carefully excluding those
+improbable and impossible agencies which the more exuberant but less
+informed novelist loves to imagine and put in play. Mr. PALMER'S
+conception, though based upon some experience, is for the most
+part speculative, of course, but I am confident that he gives us an
+excellent idea of how the military machine would work in practice, how
+its human constituent parts would feel inwardly, and what physical and
+moral effects a battle would have upon those civilians who inhabited
+and owned the battlefield. Whether or no the future will prove the
+truth of the author's somewhat Utopian conclusions, he certainly
+founds them upon a most exciting and convincing story, in which the
+"love interest" is as powerful as could be desired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Would you like to pay a round of visits to some delightful Shropshire
+houses, as the friend and guest of a charming woman, who knows all
+about what is most interesting in all of them, and has a pleasantly
+chatty manner of telling it? Of course you would; so would anyone.
+That is why I predict another success for Lady CATHERINE MILNES
+GASKELL'S latest house-book, _Friends Round the Wrekin_ (SMITH,
+ELDER). Perhaps you have pleasant memories of her former volumes in
+the same kind; if so, I need say no more by way of introduction; but,
+if not, I must tell you that her new book is very fairly described,
+in the words of the publisher, as "a further collection of history and
+legend, garden lore and character study." What the publishers modestly
+refrain from mentioning is the real charm with which it has been
+written, a quality that makes all the difference. There are also
+photographs of a number of wholly fascinating houses (the kind that
+make me wistful when I see them in the auctioneers' windows), and the
+author has some personal anecdote or quaint scrap of legend to tell
+you about each. I am quite willing to admit that the rambling book
+has increased lately to an extent imperfectly justified by its average
+quality. Too many of them confuse rambling with drivelling. But for
+the reflections of a cultivated woman, one who has steeped herself in
+the lore of a country she evidently loves, and can transcribe it with
+such tender and persuasive charm, there should always be room. I may
+add--and your own tastes must decide whether this is a flaw or a fresh
+merit--that Lady CATHERINE'S sympathies, political and social, are
+undisguisedly with the past, and that the "Education of the People"
+comes in, upon almost every other page, for as shrewd raps as her
+gentle nature will allow her to administer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I wish I were Mr. JUSTUS MILES FORMAN. Because then, if I ever chanced
+to wake up suddenly and find that I had been drugged in my sleep,
+and the six immense rubies, brought here from the East by a far-off
+ancestor and set in a black agate shield above my bed, to represent
+the "six _gouttes_ (or drops) _gules_ on a field _sable_" of my
+immemorial coat-of-arms, had been rudely reaved from me in the night
+by my cousin, who had sent one each to his six sons, I should have no
+fear. I should feel perfectly convinced that in a short time, by my
+own personal exertions, but without exercising the least particle
+of intelligence, I should recover those six rubies (representing six
+_gouttes_ or drops _gules_) and replace them in the black agate
+shield (representing a field _sable_); and naturally enough, like the
+autobiographical hero of _The Six Rubies_ (representing----I beg
+your pardon, I mean, published by WARD, LOCK), I should not dream
+of calling in the aid of the police. Another jolly thing that would
+inspirit me would be the fact that each of my adventures in search of
+the missing jewels would conform to a separate and well-known type of
+magazine story: there would be one fire, one notorious cracksman, one
+haunted castle, one cabinet with a secret drawer, and so on. There
+would be plenty of excitement, plenty of hairbreadth escapes. But
+I think that, when collating my experiences and putting them into
+six-shilling form, I should delete some of the tautologous references
+to the past which are one of the stern necessities of serial
+publication. Otherwise my readers might begin to feel slightly
+fatigued by my six ancestral _gouttes_. They might even begin to feel
+that they did not much care if I had hereditary sciatica.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady (to Nut who has talked of joining the Nationalist
+Volunteers)._ "BUT YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY, SURELY, YOU'RE GOING TO
+FIGHT?"
+
+_Nut._ "WELL I RATHER THOUGHT OF PAIRING WITH ONE OF THE ULSTER
+FELLOWS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In addition to excellent port, which furnished many prominent
+    features, the attendance was perhaps the best ever seen on a
+    like occasion."--_Sportsman._
+
+The most prominent feature would, of course, be the nose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, July 15, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 23658-8.txt or 23658-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/3/6/5/23658/
+
+Produced by Nigel Blower, Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
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+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
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+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+  <title>Punch, July 15, 1914.</title>
+  <style type="text/css">
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+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
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+  {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
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+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+July 15, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 15, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 29, 2007 [EBook #23658]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Nigel Blower, Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>Vol. 147.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>July 15th, 1914.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span></p>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>Two men carrying bombs were arrested last week on the outskirts of
+Paris, and are suspected of a plot against the <span class="sc">French President</span>. They
+alleged that the bombs were made for the <span class="sc">Tsar of Russia</span>, but the <span class="sc">Tsar</span>
+denies that he gave the commission.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The town of Criccieth, it is reported, has decided to give up gas in
+favour of electricity. This, of course, is not meant as a slight on its
+most illustrious resident.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Posted at Ventnor, Isle of Wight, on July 14, 1904, a postcard has just
+been delivered at the Grapes Hotel in Cowes. The recipient is said to
+have expressed the opinion that it would have been quicker, almost, to
+have telephoned the message.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Miss <span class="sc">Nina Boyle</span>, of the Women's Freedom League, has sent to the papers a
+list of ladies on whom she considers the <span class="sc">King</span> ought to bestow honours.
+Among the writers there is one notable omission, and Miss <span class="sc">Marie Corelli</span>
+is said to be more of an anti-Suffragette than ever.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"NEW THEATRE FOR LONDON,<br />
+<span class="sc">all seats in the house to be booked</span>."</p>
+
+<p>So the great difficulty has been solved at last! So may theatres fail
+because the seats are not taken.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A movement is on foot to induce Mr. <span class="sc">Charles Garvice</span> to change the name
+of his play, <i>A Heritage of Hate</i>, as so many patrons of melodrama have
+experienced difficulty in pronouncing the title as it stands at present.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In a struggle between a British sailor and a German policeman at
+Wilhelmshaven the other day honours seem to have been fairly even. The
+policeman, who used his sword, lost his head, and the sailor a piece of
+his nose.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Two men of good position were tried last week before the State Court of
+Berlin for refusing to address a policeman as "Mr." That will surprise
+no one who knows his Prussia. It is the sequel which takes our breath
+away. The two men were acquitted!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Volume 10 of the Census of 1911 shows that in the preceding ten years
+clergymen of the Established Church declined from 25,235 to 24,859. "The
+decrease is accounted for by the lack of young men taking orders." The
+wonder is that such orders were not at once snapped up by alert Germans.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Miss <span class="sc">Laura Wentworth</span>, of Nebraska, known as "The Big Hat Girl," has, we
+are told, sailed from New York in the <i>Imperator</i> with a hat which
+measures 58 inches in diameter. These giant liners are justifying
+themselves.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are glad that the <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span> has promised a Bill against
+foreign sweeps. Only the other day we received a circular headed
+"Schimneys Scheaply Schwept."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/61.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/61.jpg"
+alt="One advantage..." /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">One advantage about these absolutely remote country
+cottages is that you can wear out some of the costumes in which you went
+to the fancy balls this season.</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>While we are ready to grant that it is not always easy to find the apt
+quotation, we cannot help thinking that <i>The Daily Telegraph</i> would have
+caused less offence if it had published the following paragraph without
+any tag at all:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     The Mayor and Mayoress of Kensington, Alderman and Mrs. W. H.
+     Davison, held a reception at the Kensington Town trail last
+     evening, their guests numbering between 400 and 500.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<p>Oh, how peaceful is their sleep,</p>
+<p>They who "Keating's" always keep.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Cheerful Company at all the Cafés. Soup to Cheese 1/-," announces an
+advertisement in <i>The Manchester Guardian</i>. We have heard of lively
+cheese before, but the chatty soup must be something of a novelty.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Strawberries are going out," reports <i>The Evening News</i>. We are in a
+position to confirm this statement. We met one out the other evening.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to <i>La France Militaire</i> the French Navy is about to try the
+experiment of enlisting black sailors. We should say that they will be
+found to make the most admirable stokers, not showing the dirt like the
+white men.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Describing a recent visit of a party of Congressmen and State officials
+to one of the teetotal battleships of the American Navy, a contemporary
+says, "The distinguished guests took water with what grace they could."
+Evidently they thought it scarcely worth saying grace for.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The statement made last week in the course of a certain trial that "as a
+man grows older he becomes riper" has had a curious sequel. Orders are
+pouring in from the Cannibal Isles for consignments of centenarians.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>The modern girl, according to a daily paper, is not to be won by
+love-making. She prefers a cheerful and amusing companion.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Dear, of old I swore devotion</p>
+<p class="i2">In the manner knights employed,</p>
+<p>Wrote epistles with emotion</p>
+<p class="i2">(Which I trust have been destroyed);</p>
+<p>Now at last, a practised lover,</p>
+<p class="i2">Boasting conquests not a few,</p>
+<p>I am told to put a cover</p>
+<p class="i2">On my sentiments for you.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Cupid's chat is out of fashion;</p>
+<p class="i2">Sloppy words are never said;</p>
+<p>Voices once a-throb with passion</p>
+<p class="i2">Shake with merriment instead;</p>
+<p>Poets qualified to tackle</p>
+<p class="i2">Lyric metres when inspired</p>
+<p>Stoop to make the ladies cackle&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Nothing further is required.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Doubtless one whose occupation</p>
+<p class="i2">Has a dull and solemn trend</p>
+<p>Might enjoy, as relaxation,</p>
+<p class="i2">Jesting with a female friend;</p>
+<p>But, corrupted by the money</p>
+<p class="i2">That my written humours bring,</p>
+<p>How on earth can I be funny</p>
+<p class="i2">For the pleasure of the thing?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>The Daily Chronicle</i> on the latest submarine:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "It will also be equipped with a quick-firing gun, which disappears
+     when the vessel is submerged."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This is far the best arrangement; it would never do for it to be left
+floating where any passer-by could pick it up.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span></p>
+
+<h2>A WARM HALF-HOUR.</h2>
+
+<p>Whatever the papers say, it was the hottest afternoon of the year. At
+six-thirty I had just finished dressing after my third cold bath since
+lunch, when Celia tapped on the door.</p>
+
+<p>"I want you to do something for me," she said. "It's a shame to ask you
+on a day like this."</p>
+
+<p>"It <i>is</i> rather a shame," I agreed, "but I can always refuse."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, but you mustn't. We haven't got any ice, and the Thompsons are
+coming to dinner. Do you think you could go and buy three pennyworth?
+Jane's busy, and I'm busy, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"And I'm busy," I said, opening and shutting a drawer with great
+rapidity.</p>
+
+<p>"Just three pennyworth," she pleaded. "Nice cool ice. Think of sliding
+home on it."</p>
+
+<p>Well, of course it had to be done. I took my hat and staggered out. On
+an ordinary cool day it is about half-a-mile to the fishmonger; to-day
+it was about two miles-and-a-quarter. I arrived exhausted, and with only
+just strength enough to kneel down and press my forehead against the
+large block of ice in the middle of the shop, round which the lobsters
+nestled.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, you mustn't do that," said the fishmonger, waving me away.</p>
+
+<p>I got up, slightly refreshed.</p>
+
+<p>"I want," I said, "some&mdash;&mdash;" and then a thought occurred to me.</p>
+
+<p>After all, <i>did</i> fishmongers sell ice? Probably the large block in front
+of me was just a trade sign like the coloured bottles at the chemist's.
+Suppose I said to a Fellow of the Pharmaceutical Society, "I want some
+of that green stuff in the window," he would only laugh. The tactful
+thing to do would be to buy a pint or two of laudanum first, and <i>then</i>,
+having established pleasant relations, ask him as a friend to lend me
+his green bottle for a bit.</p>
+
+<p>So I said to the fishmonger, "I want some&mdash;some nice lobsters."</p>
+
+<p>"How many would you like?"</p>
+
+<p>"One," I said.</p>
+
+<p>We selected a nice one between us, and he wrapped a piece of <i>Daily
+Mail</i> round it, leaving only the whiskers visible, and gave it to me.
+The ice being now broken&mdash;I mean the ice being now&mdash;well, you see what I
+mean&mdash;I was now in a position to ask for some of his ice.</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder if you could let me have a little piece of your ice," I
+ventured.</p>
+
+<p>"How much ice do you want?" he said promptly.</p>
+
+<p>"Sixpennyworth," I said, not knowing a bit how much it would be, but
+feeling that Celia's threepennyworth sounded rather mean.</p>
+
+<p>"Six of ice, Bill," he shouted to an inferior at the back, and Bill
+tottered up with a block about the size of one of the lions in Trafalgar
+Square. He wrapped a piece of <i>Daily News</i> round it and gave it to me.</p>
+
+<p>"Is that all?" asked the fishmonger.</p>
+
+<p>"That is all," I said faintly; and, with Algernon, the overwhiskered
+crustacean, firmly clutched in the right hand and Stonehenge supported
+on the palm of the left hand, I retired.</p>
+
+<p>The flat seemed a very long way away, but having bought twice as much
+ice as I wanted, and an entirely unnecessary lobster, I was not going to
+waste still more money in taxis. Hot though it was, I would walk.</p>
+
+<p>For some miles all went well. Then the ice began to drip through the
+paper, and in a little while the underneath part of <i>The Daily News</i> had
+disappeared altogether. Tucking the lobster under my arm I turned the
+block over, so that it rested on another part of the paper. Soon that
+had dissolved too. By the time I had got half-way our Radical
+contemporary had been entirely eaten.</p>
+
+<p>Fortunately <i>The Daily Mail</i> remained. But to get it I had to
+disentangle Algernon first, and I had no hand available. There was only
+one thing to do. I put the block of ice down on the pavement, unwrapped
+the lobster, put the lobster temporarily in my pocket, spread its <i>Daily
+Mail</i> out next to the ice, lifted the ice on to the paper, and&mdash;looked
+up and saw Mrs. Thompson approaching.</p>
+
+<p>She was the last person I wanted at that moment. In an hour and a half
+she would be dining with us. Algernon would not be dining with us. If
+Algernon and Mrs. Thompson were to meet now, would she not be expecting
+him to turn up at every course? Think of the long-drawn-out
+disappointment for her; not even lobster sauce!</p>
+
+<p>There was no time to lose. I decided to abandon the ice. Leaving it on
+the pavement I turned round and walked hastily back the way I had come.</p>
+
+<p>By the time I had shaken off Mrs. Thompson I was almost at the
+fishmonger's. That decided me. I would begin all over again, and would
+do it properly this time.</p>
+
+<p>"I want," I said boldly, "threepennyworth of ice."</p>
+
+<p>"Three of ice, Bill," said the fishmonger, and Bill gave me quite a
+respectable segment in <i>The Morning Post</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"And I want a taxi," I said, and I summoned one.</p>
+
+<p>We drove quickly home.</p>
+
+<p>As we neared the flat I suddenly remembered Algernon. I drew him out of
+my pocket, red and undraped.</p>
+
+<p>This would never do. If the porter saw me entering my residence with a
+nice lobster, the news would soon get about, and before I knew where I
+was I should have a super-tax form sprung on me. I placed the block of
+ice on the seat, took off its <i>Morning Post</i>, and wrapped up Algernon.
+Then I sprang out, gave the man a shilling, and got into the lift.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Bless you," said Celia, "have you got it? How sweet of you!" And she
+took my parcel from me. "Now we shall be able&mdash;&mdash;Why, what's this?"</p>
+
+<p>I looked at it closely.</p>
+
+<p>"It's&mdash;it's a lobster," I said, "Didn't you say lobster?"</p>
+
+<p>"I said ice."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," I said, "oh, I didn't understand. I thought you said lobster."</p>
+
+<p>"You can't put lobster in cider cup," said Celia severely.</p>
+
+<p>Of course I quite see that. It was rather a silly mistake of mine.
+However, it's pleasant to think that the taxi must have been nice and
+cool for the next man.</p>
+
+<p class="author"> A. A. M.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="poem">
+
+<h2>AT THE TOWER.</h2>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Upon the old black guns</p>
+<p class="i2">The old black raven hops;</p>
+<p>We gave him bits of buns</p>
+<p class="i2">And cakes and acid-drops;</p>
+<p>He's wise, and his way's devout,</p>
+<p class="i2">But he croaks and he flaps his wings</p>
+<p>(And the flood runs out and the sergeants shout)</p>
+<p class="i2">For the first and the last of things;</p>
+<p>He croaks to Robinson, Brown, and Jones,</p>
+<p>The song of the ravens, "<i>Dead Men's Bones!</i>"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For into the lifting dark</p>
+<p class="i2">And a drizzle of clearing rain,</p>
+<p>His sire flapped out of the Ark</p>
+<p class="i2">And never came back again;</p>
+<p>So I always fancy that,</p>
+<p class="i2">Ere the frail lost blue showed thin,</p>
+<p>Alone he sat upon Ararat</p>
+<p class="i2">To see a new world in,</p>
+<p>And yelped to the void from a cairn of stones</p>
+<p>The song of the ravens, "<i>Dead Men's Bones!</i>"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>When the last of mankind lie slain</p>
+<p class="i2">On Armageddon's field,</p>
+<p>When the last red west has ta'en</p>
+<p class="i2">The last day's flaming shield,</p>
+<p>There shall sit when the shadows run</p>
+<p class="i2">(D'you doubt, good Sirs, d'you doubt?)</p>
+<p>His last rogue son on an empty gun</p>
+<p class="i2">To see an old world out;</p>
+<p>And he'll croak (as to Robinson, Brown and Jones)</p>
+<p>The song of the ravens, "<i>Dead Men's Bones!</i>"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/63.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/63.jpg" alt="The Liberal Cave-men" /></a>
+<h3>THE LIBERAL CAVE-MEN;</h3><h4>OR, A HOLT FROM THE BLUE.</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">Harassed Chancellor.</span> "IT'S NOT SO MUCH FOR MY FEET THAT I MIND&mdash;THEY'RE
+HARDENED AGAINST THIS KIND OF THING; BUT I DO HATE ROCKS ON MY HEAD."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span>
+<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/65.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/65.jpg" alt="The March Of Civilisation In Ireland" /></a>
+<h3>THE MARCH OF CIVILISATION IN IRELAND.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Tim</i>. <span class="sc">"Well, Patsy, are ye afther building an addition to yer house?"</span><br />
+<i>Patsy</i>. <span class="sc">"Shure and the hins likes a place to thimsilves</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TEMPERING THE WIND;</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">or, The Indemnification of Antonio</span>.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">[<i>In the Census returns for 1911, recently published, organ-grinders are
+no longer counted as musicians.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When buffets from the frowning Fates demoralise,</p>
+<p class="i2">And all the spirit yearns for honeyed death;</p>
+<p>When limply on the harper's brow the laurel lies</p>
+<p class="i2">And something in his bosom deeply saith,</p>
+<p>"N.G. I give it up! Behold! misshapen is</p>
+<p class="i2">The bowler that surmounts my glorious mane;</p>
+<p>Life is all kicks without the boon of halfpennies;</p>
+<p class="i6">The rates are here again;"&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>'Tis sweet, 'tis very sweet to gaze at Helicon</p>
+<p class="i2">And think, "On me the sacred fire has dropped,</p>
+<p>The lute, at any rate, still hangs, a relic, on</p>
+<p class="i2">This diaphragm, although the shirt is popped;"</p>
+<p>And so it was, I ween, with your position,</p>
+<p class="i2">Ansonia's sunny child, from house to house</p>
+<p>Aye wandering: still you ranked as a musician,</p>
+<p class="i6">The same as Dr. <span class="sc">Strauss</span>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>People were rude to you: they said, "Be gibbetted!"</p>
+<p class="i2">In many a ruthless road your cheek grew wan</p>
+<p>Where hawkers and street-music were prohibited</p>
+<p class="i2">And stout policemen urged you to get on;</p>
+<p>Yet still that stubborn heart, the heart of <span class="sc">Cato's</span> kin,</p>
+<p class="i2">Stayed you, and still the gleam that cannot die,</p>
+<p>Though every now and then an old potato skin</p>
+<p class="i6">Did welt you in the eye.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Tattered and soiled, an exile and an alien,</p>
+<p class="i2">Somehow you touched the Cockney nymphs with awe;</p>
+<p>You lit the cold clay statue, like Pygmalion,</p>
+<p class="i2">To blood-red raptures; you were sib to <span class="sc">Shaw</span>;</p>
+<p>Others might hale the town in cushioned chariots</p>
+<p class="i2">To see them dance or daub, to hear them strum;</p>
+<p>You also had your moments: jigging Harriets</p>
+<p class="i6">Joyed in your simian chum.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And how shall these things change? Shall childish galleries</p>
+<p class="i2">That deemed you once Apollo's minister,</p>
+<p>Say, "Garn, old monkey!" Shall colossal salaries</p>
+<p class="i2">Reward the Muse and not the dulcimer?</p>
+<p>Not gleaming eyeballs, not the soul illuminate?</p>
+<p class="i2">Shall old faiths falter and Antonio's heart</p>
+<p>Sicken the while he churns, and chilly ruminate,</p>
+<p class="i6">"This is no longer Art"?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>So be it then. But lest the slight unparalleled</p>
+<p class="i2">Shall cause extinction of a breed so stout,</p>
+<p>And scatter to the winds what tags his barrel held</p>
+<p class="i2">And doom him to go under and get out;</p>
+<p>Lest he despair and pine from this now streak of ills,</p>
+<p class="i2">Not ranked with virtuosi's shining shapes,</p>
+<p>Let him he classed anew amongst Pithekophils,</p>
+<p class="i6">An amateur of Apes.</p>
+  </div>
+<p class="midauthor"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span><br /></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/66.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/66.jpg" alt="More Sacrifices To Speed" /></a>
+<h3>MORE SACRIFICES TO SPEED.</h3>
+<span class="sc">The "Minim Kid-Fit."</span></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>PAYMENT IN KIND.</h2>
+
+<p>I argued that one and threepence was too much to pay for the delivery of
+a telegram which had only cost sixpence itself; I also argued that one
+and threepence was too little for a wealthy institution like the G.P.O.
+to worry about, but the messenger wouldn't reduce the price. I had had
+my telegram, said he, and I must pay for it. I offered to give him the
+telegram back, but he guessed it was only from Carr and wasn't having
+any. It was my money he wanted and that, unhappily, was some miles away
+in a bank.</p>
+
+<p>For reasons best known to myself, and not too clearly appreciated even
+in that quarter, I am always full of petty cash at the beginning of the
+month and out of it at the end. My wife never draws any at all, knowing
+it is much safer where it is, and as for Albert, our only son, he takes
+no interest in the stuff. When we, in moments of self-denial, slip a
+coin into the slit of his money-box, he is merely bored, being as yet
+unable to unlock the box and get the coin out again, owing to ignorance
+of the whereabouts of the key. I explained all this to the telegraph
+boy, but his heart didn't soften; so, still parleying with him in the
+porch, I sent the maid to my wife to see what she could do to ease the
+financial position.</p>
+
+<p>The maid returned with a shilling, which was my wife's limit, and this I
+tendered to the boy, explaining to him the theory of discount for net
+cash. But he was one of those small and obstinate creatures who won't
+learn, so I sent him round to the back premises to get some tea, while I
+retired to the front to do some thinking. It was at this moment that
+Albert chose, imprudently, to make an important announcement from the
+top of the stairs with regard to a first tooth, which he had lost by
+extraction the day before but had not yet been able to forget. His idea
+was that he should come down and inspect it once more; but I paid no
+heed to this. His mention of the matter suggested, when I came to think
+of it, a solution of my difficulty with the telegraph boy.</p>
+
+<p>Later, I asked my wife to step into my study and to shut the door behind
+her. "This has become a serious matter," said I; "nay, it threatens to
+be a grave scandal. You remember Albert's tooth?"</p>
+
+<p>She did. These things are not easily forgotten. "I wish," I pursued, "to
+interview Albert's nurse as to it," and I rang the bell sternly.</p>
+
+<p>"She hasn't got it," said my wife; "we have," and she took from the
+mantelpiece a small packet tied up with pink ribbon.</p>
+
+<p>I explained that it wasn't the child's molar but the child's funds that
+I was concerned with. "You will recollect that I compensated him for the
+loss of it with a shilling. It makes it all the more poignant that it
+was my last shilling. I put it into his money-box, the key of which is
+accessible to miscreants. That shilling is gone!"</p>
+
+<p>My wife smiled. "How did you find out?" she asked.</p>
+
+<p>"I had reason to be looking in the box," I said airily, "and happened by
+chance to notice that the shilling had been stolen."</p>
+
+<p>"You mean," said she, "that you were proposing to steal it yourself?"</p>
+
+<p>I disregarded the question. "I never did trust that nurse," said I. "But
+to steal the treasured capital of a defenceless infant!"</p>
+
+<p>"I am the thief," said my wife, "and you are the receiver. Whether or
+not the telegraph-boy will be jointly charged with us is for the police
+and Albert to decide between them."</p>
+
+<p>At this moment the nurse entered and asked what we required of her. My
+wife was confused, but not so I. I told nurse we required nothing of her
+but much of Albert. Would she ask him to step downstairs?</p>
+
+<p>We assembled in the porch, my wife, Albert, the nurse, and the telegraph
+boy. I took the chair.</p>
+
+<p>"Ladies and gentlemen," said I, "I have a proposal to lay before the
+meeting with a view to adjusting the acute crisis. Let me remind you of
+the facts:&mdash;The gentleman on my right," and I indicated Albert, whose
+attention wandered a little, "was recently possessed of a tooth, two
+parents, and a godfather of the name of Carr. The tooth, as teeth will,
+had to be removed; the parents, as parents may, advanced a shilling upon
+it; and the godfather, as godfathers needn't, telegraphed to say he was
+coming forthwith to the <i>locus in quo</i>. Things were so when Mr. (I
+didn't catch your name, Sir," and I turned to the telegraph boy)
+"threatened to liquidate us unless his debt was satisfied. Business is,
+as he very properly remarked, business. "Now for my suggestion: Albert,"
+and I turned to him again, "will have, the telegram, which, being from
+<i>his</i> godfather, is rightly his. He will, however, take it subject to
+encumbrances, of which, I understand, he has already discharged all but
+threepence. Happily his parents are willing to withdraw their first
+charge on his personal assets, and I have much satisfaction, Sir"&mdash;I
+bowed to the telegraph boy&mdash;"in presenting you with the goods, which
+were as recently as yesterday valued at no less than a shilling, and in
+asking you to keep the balance as a mark of our unshaken affection and
+esteem."</p>
+
+<p>And I handed him Albert's tooth.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "Accused, who gave the name of Janet Arthur, quoted Scott's 'Wha
+     Hae' and other works."&mdash;<i>Lincolnshire Echo.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Such as the Wha-Haeverley Novels.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/67.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/67.jpg" alt="The World's Workers" /></a>
+<h3>THE WORLD'S WORKERS.</h3>
+
+<i>Little Girl.</i> <span class="sc">"Please, Mrs. Murphy. Muvver says, if it's fine,
+to-morrer, will you go beggin' with 'er?</span>"</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE "THORNS OF PRAISE."</h2>
+
+<h3>"HIS PURPLEST SIN."</h3>
+
+<p class="center">By <span class="sc">Vernon Blathers</span> (Jack Short, 6/-).</p>
+
+<p><i>The Weekly Scotsman.</i> "... vivacious narrative ..."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Strathpeffer Courant.</i> "Replete with up-to-date sentiment ...
+knowledge of the <i>beau monde</i> ... racy, but never transcending the
+bounds of decorum."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Buttevant Despatch.</i> "Passages which the author of 'The Rosary'
+might be proud to have written ... high ideals ... love interest well
+sustained ... careful punctuation."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Nether Wallop News.</i> "Mr. Blathers is a benefactor ... reminds us
+of <span class="sc">T. P. O'Connor</span> ... luscious word-painting ... well-chosen epithets."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Machrihamish Mirror.</i> "Stylish writing ... Mr. Blathers is
+evidently a <i>persona grata</i> in the most <i>recherché</i> circles."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chowbent Eagle.</i> "Edifying, yet entertaining ... faithful
+portraiture, but ... not in the least like <span class="sc">Zola</span> ... undoubtedly
+readable."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Criccieth Sentinel.</i> "... inside knowledge of Mayfair ... redolent
+of humanity at its best ... fluid and flexible style ... suitable for a
+country congregation."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Kilmarnock News.</i> "... cannot remember any book which ... better
+than this is."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Pilworth Post.</i> "... redundant with wit ..."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Peebles Advertiser.</i> "Mr. Blathers ... go far."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Worcester Academy.</i> "Mr. Blathers is to be most heartily
+congratulated."</p>
+
+<p><i>The N. Wales Dictator.</i> "... masterly delineation of the Smart Set."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Peak News.</i> "... witty to excess."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Bermondsey Examiner.</i> "Few books so well worth re- and re-reading."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Poplar Courier.</i> "A fine novel."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Sligo Spectator.</i> "... marked ability ..."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Rutland Observer.</i> "... meritorious ..."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Winchester Tribune.</i> "... feast of entertainment. Mr. Blathers'
+next should be ... awaited with impatience."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Isle of Wight Critic.</i> "... clever novel ..."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Cader-Idris Athenæum.</i> "... psychology ... humour ... passion."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Bucklaw Post.</i> "... emotional depths ..."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Sunday Deliverer.</i> "... remarkable book ..."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Simla Gazette.</i> "... verdict ... profoundly enthralling work of
+fiction."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Geelong Times.</i> "... better than ... <span class="sc">George Eliot.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>The Cork Pall Mall.</i> "A brilliant first effort."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Hackney Examiner.</i> "... well written ..."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Tooting Express.</i> "... amusing ..."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Monthly Citizen.</i> "The characters have life and movement."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "Before lunch each section held its annual meeting in private, and
+     at two o'clock the company sat down to a substantial and very
+     acceptable repast, which was greatly relished by the visitors.
+     After being operated upon by a photographer the party split."</p>
+
+<p class="i4"> <i>Ledbury Guardian.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We were rather afraid they had overdone it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a photographic catalogue:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "This is a most complete little Projector.... It is quite
+     self-contained and will protect a thirty-inch picture anywhere at a
+     moment's notice."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It should be installed at the Royal Academy without delay.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page68" id="page68"></a>[pg 68]</span></p>
+
+<h2>BLANCHE'S LETTERS.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">Some Outstanding Features.</span></h3>
+
+<p class="author"> <i>Park Lane.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dearest Daphne</span>,&mdash;The outstanding features of the season have certainly
+been the Friendship Fête, the Kamtchatkan Scriptural opera-ballet, "<i>Noé
+s'embarque sur l'Arche</i>," and the Cloak!</p>
+
+<p>The Friendship Fête, to celebrate our not having had any scraps with any
+foreign country for some little time, was simply immense. There were
+descriptive tableaux and groups, and the one undertaken by your
+Blanche&mdash;swords being turned into ploughshares and the figure of Peace
+standing in the middle, with Bellona crouching at her feet&mdash;was said to
+be an easy winner. I was Peace, of course, in chiffon draperies, with my
+hair down. I hadn't the faintest notion what sort of thing a ploughshare
+was, but I'd clever people to help me, and so it was all right. But oh,
+my best one! the difficulty I had in getting a Bellona! They all wanted
+to be Peace, and some of them were so absolutely horrid about it that I
+couldn't help telling them they were only showing how <i>fit</i> they were to
+be Bellona! (I will tell <i>you</i> in confidence that I believe one of them
+was responsible for some of my swords and ploughshares falling down with
+an immensely odious crash just as the opening ceremony was going on.)
+Norty was given the group of all nations, called, "All Men are
+Brothers," and he said on the whole it was rather a rotten job; there
+was a lot of friction, and at one time he was afraid things might get
+almost to <i>diplomatic</i> lengths; however, it all went smoothly at last.
+Still he told me <i>à l'oreille</i> that he was glad it was well over, as two
+or three Friendship Fêtes would be enough to shake the peace of Europe
+to its foundations!</p>
+
+<p>But nothing matters much while one can go and see the wonderful,
+<i>wonderful</i> Kamtchatkans in "<i>Noé s'embarque sur l'Arche</i>"&mdash;a feast of
+beauty&mdash;a riot of colour&mdash;a mass of inner meanings. Who am I, dearest,
+that I should try to word-paint it? Being an opera-ballet, there are two
+Noahs, a singing one and a dancing one. While that glorious Golliookin,
+the singing Noah, is giving the marvellous Flood Music in a gallery over
+the stage, our dear wonderful Ternitenky, the dancing Noah, is going
+into the Ark in a series of the most delicious <i>pas seuls</i>. Then his
+dance of Astonishment and Alarm as he sees the waters rising&mdash;and
+afterwards his dance of Joy and Thankfulness at finding himself quite
+dry! The <i>Pas de Six</i> of Noah's Sons and their Wives! And the <i>ensemble</i>
+dancing of the Animals! My dearest, you positively must and shall leave
+your solitudes and come and see the Kamtchatkans in Scriptural
+opera-ballet! Only second to <i>Noé</i> is <i>La Femme de Lot</i>, with dear
+Sarkavina, in clouds of white, doing a sensational whirling dance as she
+turns into the Pillar, while that amazing soprano, Scriemalona, sings
+the mysterious Salt Music. Bishops quite <i>swarm</i> at these performances.
+They say they consider it their <i>duty</i> to go, and that they never
+<i>really</i> understood the true character of <span class="sc">Noah</span> till they saw
+Ternitenky's beautiful flying leap into the Ark, or quite grasped the
+personality of <span class="sc">Lot's</span> Wife before seeing Sarkavina's Pillar-of-Salt
+dance.</p>
+
+<p>On <i>Noé</i> and <i>Lot</i> nights it's correct to carry a little darling Old
+Testament, bound in velvet or satin to match or contrast with one's
+toilette, and generally with jewels on the cover; and the Old Testament
+is quite often mentioned at dinner just now, people pretending they've
+been reading it, and so on. <i>À propos</i>, Mrs. Golding-Newman, one of the
+latest climbers, excused herself for being late at dinner somewhere the
+other night by saying, "I was reading Deuteronomy and didn't notice how
+the time was going." The Bullyon-Boundermere woman was present and,
+determined to trump her rival's trick, chipped in with, "Oh, <i>isn't</i>
+Deuteronomy <i>charming</i>? But I think of <i>all</i> the books of the Old
+Testament my favourite is In Memoriam!"</p>
+
+<p>The Cloak, my Daphne, which is one of the most interesting arrivals in
+town this summer, is, <i>à mon avis</i>, something quite <i>more</i> than a
+garment&mdash;it is a great big test of all that a woman most prides herself
+on! You may see a thousand women with cloaks on, but how many will be
+<i>really wearing</i> them! As one criticised the cloaks and their wearers in
+the Enclosure at Aswood one couldn't help murmuring with a small sigh,
+"Who is sufficient for these things!" People who have the cloak fastened
+on <i>in just any way</i>, my dear, are simply begging the question; in its
+true inwardness, in its loftiest development, the cloak should be a
+separate creation, kept in its place only by the grace and knack of its
+wearer. There should be <i>character</i> about it, a fascinating droop, a
+sweat crookedness that can only happen when it is worn with the art
+that&mdash;you know the rest.</p>
+
+<p>Shall I confide to you my little secret, dearest? Would you know why it
+is given to your Blanche to be easily best of the few women who do
+really <i>wear</i> the cloak? When I'm ready, all but nay cloak, I run away
+from Yvonne down the stairs; she follows, carrying the cloak, and when
+she's beginning to overtake me she throws the cloak and I catch it on my
+shoulders. Result&mdash;I'm the envy and despair of all my best beloved
+enemies!</p>
+
+<p>People have been trying to find new places to wear their watches. A
+small watch on the toe of each shoe (plain for day wear, jewelled for
+the evening) had quite a little vogue, though as watches they were no
+good, for no one could see the time by them. Then little teeny watches
+on the tips of glove-fingers were liked a little. But the latest
+development is that Time is <i>démodé</i>, and anyone mentioning hours and
+half-hours is stamped as an outside person.</p>
+
+<p>Isn't this a <i>fragrant</i> idea about our not being to blame for anything
+we do, because it's all owing to the <i>colours</i> we live with? Everybody's
+<i>charmed</i> about it. Instead of going to <i>lawyers</i> when things run off
+the rails a little, if one just called in a <i>colour-expert</i> all sorts of
+horrors might be avoided, for he would prove that people are like that
+owing to the colours of their curtains and upholsteries, and aren't to
+blame themselves, poor, dears, the very least little bit! The
+Thistledown <i>ménage</i>, for instance. For ages it's been tottery, because
+Thistledown never understood Fluffy, and Fluffy, poor little thing,
+seemed to understand everybody except Thistledown. We've all been so
+sorry for her, for several times he's been on the point of dragging
+things into public. And now it turns out that nothing is Fluffy's fault
+and that, if she hadn't always had her own, own room done in pinky-bluey
+shades, she might have been quite a serious domestic character! T. says,
+if that's so, she'd better have her own, own room done in some other
+colour, but Fluffy says, No, she likes pinky-bluey shades, only he must
+remember, when he's inclined to be hard on her, that the pinky-blueys
+are to blame and not herself.</p>
+
+<p>Then there's old Lady Humguffin, easily the most miserly old dear who
+ever wore a transformation (she even has a taxi-meter thing in her own
+motors and anyone driving with her is expected to pay what it
+registers!). Colour-experts say that if it weren't for the frightfully
+dull dusty purple in which all her rooms are furnished she might part
+quite freely!</p>
+
+<p>So there it is, my dear! People say there's been no such important
+discovery since Gallienus&mdash;that fearful old man, you know, who said
+something moved when everyone else said it didn't. (I hardly know <i>how</i>
+I know these things. Please, please don't think I'm becoming a <i>femme
+savante</i>!).</p>
+
+<p>Ever thine,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="sc">Blanche</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span></p>
+
+<h2>TOO MUCH CHAMPIONSHIP.</h2>
+
+<p>Once life was an easy thing.</p>
+
+<p>Yorkshire or Surrey or Kent were cricket champions. <span class="sc">Ranji</span> or W. G.
+headed the batting averages; <span class="sc">Rhodes</span> or <span class="sc">Richardson</span> the bowling. The
+office boy who knew these details plus the Boat Race winner and the
+English Cup-holders could keep his end up in conversation. He even found
+time to do a little work.</p>
+
+<p>But now! That poor brain must know that McGinty of Fulham fetched £1,000
+when put up for auction, that the front line of Blackburn Rovers
+represents an expense of £11,321 13<i>s.</i> 4<i>d.</i>, and that Chelsea have
+played before 71,935 spectators. He must know the champions of the
+First, Second, Southern, Midland, and Scottish Leagues, and the teams
+that gained promotion.</p>
+
+<p>Then there is cricket&mdash;all worked out to "those damned dots," as Lord
+<span class="sc">Randolph</span> said in an inspired moment. Think of the strain of remembering
+that Middlesex stands at 78.66 and Surrey at 72.94. And the sporting
+papers are publishing lists of catches made; and lists of catches missed
+are sure to follow. Think of it&mdash;you may have to name the Champion
+Butterfingers in 1915!</p>
+
+<p>Come to tennis. You must know the names of the Australian Terror, the
+New Zealand Cyclone, the American Whirlwind. You must at a glance be
+able to pronounce on the nationality of Mavrogordato or Froitzheim. You
+have the strain of proving that the victory of a New Zealander over a
+German proves the vitality of the dear old country.</p>
+
+<p>Or boxing. How can an ordinary mind retain the names of all the White
+Hopes or Black Despairs. At any moment some Terrible Magyar may wrest
+the bantam championship from us. You must learn to distinguish between
+<span class="sc">Wells</span>, the reconstructor of the universe, and Knock-out <span class="sc">Wells</span>. You must
+be acquainted with the doings and prospects of Dreadnought Brown and
+Mulekick Jones. You must know the F. E. Smithian repartees of <span class="sc">Jack
+Johnson</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Let us talk of golf. No, on second thoughts, let us notably refrain from
+talking about golf. Only if you don't know who defeated <span class="sc">Travers</span> (<i>plus</i>
+lumbago) and who eclipsed America's Bright Boy, you must hide your head
+in shame.</p>
+
+<p>We come to rowing. Once one could stay, "Ah, Leander," and with an easy
+shrug of the shoulders pass from the subject. But when international
+issues are involved, and the win of a Canadian or American or German
+crew may cause <i>The Daily Mail</i> to declare (for the hundredth time) that
+England is played out, a man simply has to keep abreast of the results.</p>
+
+<p>There are a score of other things. Name for me, if you can, the Great
+American Four, the hydro-aeroplane champion, the M.P. champion
+pigeon-flyer, and the motor-bike hill-climbing champion.</p>
+
+<p>And the Olympic games are coming! Who are England's hopes in the
+discus-throwing and the fancy diving? What Britisher must we rely on in
+the javelin hop-skip-and-jump?</p>
+
+<p>Your brain reels at the prospect. We must decide to ignore all future
+championships. We must decline to be aggravated if a Japanese Badminton
+champion appears. We must cease to be interested if Britain's Hope beats
+the Horrible Peruvian at Tiddly-winks.</p>
+
+<p>There are three admirable reasons for this.</p>
+
+<p>The first is that we must play some games ourselves.</p>
+
+<p>The second, that, unless a check be put to championships, the
+Parliamentary news will be crowded out of the papers and we shall find
+ourselves in an unnatural state of peace and goodwill.</p>
+
+<p>The third, which one puts forward with diffidence, is that somebody,
+somewhere, somehow, sometime must do a little work.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/69.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/69.jpg" alt="Ah, well, Henry,..." /></a>
+<p><i>Wife (with some sadness).</i> <span class="sc">"Ah, well, Henry, I
+suppose it's a bit too late for you to think of that now.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<h2>To the Memory<br />
+of<br />
+Joseph Chamberlain.</h2>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">
+Born 1836.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Died July 2nd, 1914.</span></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Ere warmth of Spring had stirred the wintry lands&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Spring that for him had no renewing breath&mdash;</p>
+<p>He went apart to wait with folded hands</p>
+<p class="i6">The lingering feet of Death.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Long had he laid his burnished armour by,</p>
+<p class="i2">But still we flew his banner for a sign,</p>
+<p>Still felt his spirit like a rallying-cry</p>
+<p class="i4">Hearten the fighting line.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But he&mdash;ah, none could know the heavy strain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Patiently to accept the watcher's part</p>
+<p>While yet no weakness sapped the virile brain</p>
+<p class="i6">Nor dulled the eager heart.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He should have died with all his harness on,</p>
+<p class="i2">As those the Valkyr bore from out the fight,</p>
+<p>In ringing mail that still unrusted shone,</p>
+<p class="i4">Up to Valhalla's height.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet solace flowed from that surcease of strife:</p>
+<p class="i2">Love found occasion in his need of care,</p>
+<p>And time was ours to prove how dear the life</p>
+<p class="i6">An Empire ill could spare.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And generous foes confessed the magic spell</p>
+<p class="i2">Of greatness gone, that left the common store</p>
+<p>Poor by his loss who loved his party well,</p>
+<p class="i6">But loved his country more.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And ancient rivalries seemed very small</p>
+<p class="i2">Beside that courage constant to the end;</p>
+<p>And even Death, last enemy of all,</p>
+<p class="i6">Came to him like a friend.</p>
+  </div>
+<p class="midauthor">O. S.<br /></p>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/71.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/71.jpg" alt="Joseph Chamberlain" /></a>
+<h3>JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN.</h3>
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">July 2nd, 1914.</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span>
+<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page73" id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span></p>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 6.</i>&mdash;All heads were bared when the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> rose to move adjournment of <span class="sc">House</span> in sign of sorrow at the
+passing way of a great Parliament man. To vast majority of present House
+<span class="sc">Joseph Chamberlain</span> is a tradition. His personal presence, its commanding
+force, is varied and invariable attraction are unknown. Since his final
+re-election by faithful Birmingham, where, like the Shunamite woman, he
+dwelt among his own people loving and loved, he only once entered the
+House.</p>
+
+<p>It was a tragic scene, perhaps happily witnessed by few. Appointed
+business of sitting concluded and Members departed, a figure that once
+commanded attention of a listening Senate slowly entered from behind the
+<span class="sc">Speaker's</span> chair. It was the senior Member for Birmingham come to take
+the oath. The action was indicative of his thoroughness and loyalty. No
+longer were oaths, rolls of Parliament and seats on either Front Bench
+matters of concern to him. His manifold task was done. His brilliant
+course was run. But, until he took the oath and signed the roll, he was
+not <i>de jure</i> a Member of the House of Commons, and his vote might not
+be available by the Whips for a pair on a critical division.</p>
+
+<p>Accordingly here he was, moving haltingly with the aid of a stick,
+supported by the strong arm of the son whose maiden speech his old chief
+<span class="sc">Gladstone</span> years ago welcomed as "dear and refreshing to a father's
+heart." He took the oath and signed the roll&mdash;an historic page in a
+unique volume. With dimmed eyes he glanced round the familiar scene of
+hard fights and great triumphs, and went forth never to return.</p>
+
+<p>To-day he lived again in speeches delivered by the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>, by
+the <span class="sc">Leader of the Opposition</span>, and by the Cabinet colleague and leader to
+whom he was loyal to the last. The practice of delivering set eulogies
+to the memory of the departed great is the most difficult that falls to
+the lot of a Leader on either side of House of Commons. In some hands it
+has uncontrollable tendency to the artificiality and insipidity of
+funeral baked meats. <span class="sc">Disraeli</span> was a failure on such occasions; <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>
+at his best. <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span>, usually supreme, did not to-day reach his
+accustomed lofty level.</p>
+
+<p>In fineness of tone and exquisite felicity of phrasing, <span class="sc">Asquith</span> excelled
+himself. The first time the House of Commons caught a glimpse of
+profound depths of a nature habitually masked by impassive manner and
+curt speech was when he talked to it in broken voice about
+<span class="sc">Campbell-Bannerman</span>, just dead. Speaking this afternoon about one with
+whom, as he said, he "had exchanged many blows," he was even more
+impressive, not less by reason of the eloquence of his speech than by
+its simplicity and sincerity.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In the House of Lords <i>le brave</i> <span class="sc">Willoughby de Broke</span>
+was, if the phrase be Parliamentary, broken in the Division Lobby.
+Insisting on fighting the Home Rule Amending Bill to the last, he found
+himself supported by ten peers, a Liberal Ministry having for an
+important measure the majority, unparalleled in modern times, of 263.</p>
+
+<p>When figures were announced Lord <span class="sc">Crewe</span>, reminiscent of the farmer
+smacking his lips over a liqueur glass of old brandy, remarked to
+Viscount <span class="sc">Morley</span>, "I should like some more of that in a moog."</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Interesting episode preceded main business of sitting. Sort
+of rehearsal of meeting of Parliament on College Green. Opened by
+<span class="sc">Sheehan</span> rising from Bench partially filled by O'Brienites to move issue
+of new writ for North Galway. Had it been an English borough nothing
+particular would have happened. Writ would have been ordered as matter
+of course, and there an end on't.</p>
+
+<p>Things different on College Green. When <span class="sc">Sheehan</span> sat down, up gat Captain
+<span class="sc">Donelan</span> from Redmondite camp, which when moved to Dublin will, by reason
+of numerical majority, be analogous to Ministerialists at Westminister.
+<span class="sc">Donelan</span> remarked that in his capacity as Nationalist Whip he intended to
+move issue of writ next Monday. This fully explained why <span class="sc">O'Brien's</span> young
+man moved it to-day. Otherwise cause of quarrel obscure. What they
+fought each other for dense mind of Saxon could not make out.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/73-1.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/73-1.jpg" alt="Tim Buonaparte" /></a>
+<h4>TIM BUONAPARTE.</h4></div>
+
+<p>Ambiguity partly due to <span class="sc">Donelan</span>. Lacking the volubility common to his
+countrymen he had prepared heads of his speech jotted down on piece of
+notepaper. This so intricately folded that sequence of remarks
+occasionally suffered. Situation further complicated by accidental
+turning over of notes upside down. House grateful when presently <span class="sc">Tim
+Healy</span> interposed. He being past-master of lucid statement, we should now
+know all about circumstances which apparently, to the temporary
+shouldering aside of Ulster, rocked Ireland to its centre.</p>
+
+<p>Unfortunately <span class="sc">Tim</span> was embarrassed by attempt to assume a novel
+oratorical attitude. Usually he addresses House with studied
+carelessness of hands lightly clasped behind his back. Presumably in
+consideration of supreme national importance of the question whether
+<span class="sc">Sheehan</span> should move issue of writ to-day or <span class="sc">Donelan</span> on Monday, he
+essayed a new attitude. It recalled <span class="sc">Napoleon</span> at Fontainebleau folding
+his arms majestically as he bade farewell to remnant of the Old Guard.</p>
+
+<p>Attempt, several times repeated, proved a failure. Somehow or other
+<span class="sc">Tim's</span> arms would not adjust themselves
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page74" id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span>
+to novel circumstances, and fell back into the old <i>laissez-faire</i>
+position. Speech repeatedly interrupted on points of order by
+compatriots on back benches. What was clear was that some one had filed
+a petition in bankruptcy. Identity of delinquent not so clear.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/73-2.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/73-2.jpg" alt="Swift MacNeill" /></a>
+"Prospective first Speaker of a modern Irish Parliament."
+<p class="center">(Mr. <span class="sc">Swift MacNeill</span>.)</p></div>
+
+<p>However, as a foretaste of debate in Home Rule Parliament, proceedings
+interesting and instructive. Disposed of slanderous suggestions of
+disorder. Never, or hardly ever, was a more decorous debate. To it <span class="sc">Swift
+MacNeill</span>, prospective first Speaker of a modern Irish Parliament, lent
+the dignity and authority of his patronage. Pretty to see him, as debate
+went forward, glancing aside at his wigged-and-gowned brother in the
+Chair, as who should say, "What do you think of this, Sir?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;With assistance of Ministerial forces, O'Brienite
+motion for issue of writ for Galway defeated by Redmondite amendment to
+adjourn debate. <span class="sc">William O'Brien</span> took swift revenge. House dividing on
+<span class="sc">Premier's</span> motion allotting time for remaining stages of Budget Bill, he
+led his little flock into Opposition Lobby, assisting to reduce
+Ministerial majority to figure of 23. In this labour of love he found
+himself assisted by abstention of two groups of Ministerialists, one
+objecting to procedure on Finance Bill, the other thirsting for blood of
+the Ulster gun-runners.</p>
+
+<p>If <span class="sc">Premier</span> still hesitates about Autumn Session this incident should
+help him to make up his mind. The Government will be safer with its
+Members on the moors or the golf links than daily running the gauntlet
+at Westminster.</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Lords, Thursday.</i>&mdash;When noble lords take their legislative
+business seriously in hand they show the Commons a better way. Their
+dealing with the Amending Bill has been a model of businesslike
+procedure. Speeches uniformly brief because kept strictly to the point.
+Amendments carefully considered in council and moved from Front
+Opposition Bench were carried by large majorities.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Home Rule Amending Bill turned inside out in two
+sittings. Own father wouldn't know it. <span class="sc">Sark</span> sums up situation by
+paraphrase of historic saying. "They have," he remarks, "made a new Bill
+and call it Peace."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/74.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/74.jpg" alt="Earl Curzon" /></a>
+<h3>AN EX-VICEREGAL BAG.</h3>
+<p class="center">(Earl <span class="sc">Curzon</span>.)</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">Great American Invasion.</span></h3>
+
+<p>The prospects of the forthcoming campaign in the East Worcestershire
+Division have been greatly brightened by the decision of the well-known
+sportsman, Mr. Otis Q. Janaway, to stand as an Independent Candidate
+with the express purpose of speeding-up the British Legislature. Mr.
+Janaway, who graduated in sociology at the University of Pensacola, and
+has recently been naturalised as a British subject, has brought with him
+a team of baseball players, four white and four coloured prize-fighters,
+and a chorus of variety artistes who will appear and sing at all his
+meetings. He is a powerful speaker with a great fund of anecdote, and
+his programme includes Compulsory Phonetic Spelling, the establishment
+of Christian Science, Electrocution, and the introduction of College
+Yells in Parliament. If her husband is elected, Mrs. Janaway has
+announced her intention of embracing the Speaker at the earliest
+opportunity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Professor Thaddeus Mulhooly, who was until recently President of the
+University of Tuskahoma, has taken up his residence at Ballybunnion with
+a view to qualifying as Parliamentary Candidate for North Kerry.
+Professor Mulhooly, whose grandparents resided at Tralee, has made a
+very favourable impression by the filial affection shown in his election
+war-cry, which runs, "Tralee, Trala, Tara Tarara, Tzing Boum Oshkosh."
+His platform is that of a Pan-Celtic Vegetarian, and he has secured the
+influential support of Mr. <span class="sc">Upton Sinclair</span>, who is acting as his election
+agent, and who publicly embraced him at a meeting at Dingle last week.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>General Amos Cadwalader Stunt, the well-known Colorado mining magnate,
+who recently purchased the Isle of Rum, has announced his intention of
+contesting the Elgin Burghs in the Liquid Paraffin interest. At a
+political meeting at Lossiemouth last week he held the attention of a
+crowded audience for upwards of an hour, during which his bodyguard
+serenaded him with mouth-organs and banjos, the interruptions of
+hecklers having been effectually discounted by a liberal distribution of
+chewing gum. At the close of this great effort General Stunt was
+publicly embraced by his wife's mother, Mrs. Titania Flagler.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The by-election campaign at Hanley opened auspiciously on Thursday with
+a demonstration in favour of Mr. Cyrus P. Slocum, the eminent Pittsburg
+safety razor magnate, who has been selected by the Association of
+American Manufacturers in England to represent their interests at
+Westminster. Before Mr. Slocum rose the audience sang "My Country, 'tis
+of Thee" continuously for forty-five minutes and waved the Stars and
+Stripes for fully twenty minutes longer. Finally, the popular candidate
+was carried shoulder-high from the platform to his motor and smothered
+with kisses from his compatriots, the vast assemblage dispersing to the
+jocund strains of "John Brown's Body."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Great satisfaction is felt in American golfing circles at the
+announcement that Mr. Olonzo Jaggers has decided to contest the
+Tantallon Division of Haddingtonshire. Mr. Jaggers, who has recently
+erected a tasteful châlet on the Bass Rock, has just issued his election
+address. The two main planks of his platform are the legalising of the
+Schenectady putter for all golf meetings, and of megaphones and
+mouth-organs in the House of Commons.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page75" id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/75.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/75.jpg" alt="An Untrustworthy Witness" /></a>
+<h3>AN UNTRUSTWORTHY WITNESS.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mother.</i> "<span class="sc">Gerald, a little bird has just told me that you have been a
+very naughty little boy this afternoon.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Gerald.</i> "<span class="sc">Don't you believe him, Mummy. I'll bet he's the one that
+steals our raspberries.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AMANDA.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When the thunders are still and the tempests are furled</p>
+<p>There are sights of all sorts in this wonderful world;</p>
+<p>But the best of all sights in the season of hay</p>
+<p>Is Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>She can toss it as other girls toss up a cap,</p>
+<p>And her eyes have a glow that can dry the green sap;</p>
+<p>She's as good as the sun's most beneficent ray,</p>
+<p>Is Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, her smile is a treat and her frown is the deuce;</p>
+<p>She can always say "hiss me" or "bo" to a goose;</p>
+<p>When she gives you her hand she just melts you away,</p>
+<p>Does Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>In a field of soft clover I marked her one night,</p>
+<p>And her foot it was dainty, her step it was light,</p>
+<p>And I laughed to myself to behold her so gay,</p>
+<p>Miss Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Then the sound of her voice from December to June</p>
+<p>And from June to December is always a tune;</p>
+<p>All the elves when they hear it stop short in their play</p>
+<p>For Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>When she sits on her chair like a queen on her throne</p>
+<p>She has beautiful manners entirely her own;</p>
+<p>But you'd better take care what you venture to say</p>
+<p>To Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>P.S.&mdash;Since I managed to write the above</p>
+<p>I've been round to her house and I've offered my love;</p>
+<p>And she laughed and made jokes, but she didn't say nay,</p>
+<p>My Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.</p>
+  </div>
+<p class="midauthor"> R. C. L.</p>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "At Easter this year the ladies gave their first public performance
+     by ringing a peal at a local wedding. The ladies now ring regularly
+     every week. Some idea of the work may be gathered from the fact
+     that the tenor bell weighs 11 cwt., and yet, through all the
+     training, not even a stay has been broken."&mdash;<i>Church Monthly.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Our feminine readers would like to know the name of the bellringers'
+<i>corsetière</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a letter to <i>The Daily Mail</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "One of our greatest poets was an apothecary's assistant, but his
+     'Ode to a Skylark' is eternal."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Hail to thee, blithe <span class="sc">Shelley</span>!</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Keats</span> thou never wert.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a letter to <i>The Market Mail</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "I enclose my card and remains.&mdash;Yours truly, <span class="sc">Victim</span>."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We advise our contemporary to return the body.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page76" id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span></p>
+
+<h2>THE INQUISITION.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">Letter I.</span></h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Julius Pitherby, Esq., to myself.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;Henry Anderson, who is an applicant for my temporarily vacant
+situation as working gardener, assistant hedger and ditcher and
+superintending odd man (single-handed), has referred me to you as to his
+character and qualifications, stating that he was in your employment&mdash;I
+gather some nine years ago&mdash;for a time. You will therefore, I trust,
+forgive me if I take the liberty of asking you to be good enough to
+answer the following questions concerning him and his wife. He calls
+himself twenty-five, married, with no family.</p>
+
+<p>(1) <i>Was</i> he in your employment?</p>
+
+<p>(2) When?</p>
+
+<p>(3) Is he twenty-five?</p>
+
+<p>(4) Is he married?</p>
+
+<p>(5) Has he no family?</p>
+
+<p>(6) Is he <i>strictly</i> sober? (These words are to be taken quite
+literally.)</p>
+
+<p>(7) His wife ditto?</p>
+
+<p>(8) Is he decent and morally respectable, careful in his habits and
+guarded in his language?</p>
+
+<p>(9) His wife ditto?</p>
+
+<p>(10) Is he honest and reliable?</p>
+
+<p>(11) His wife ditto, and <i>not one to answer back</i>?</p>
+
+<p>(12) Are they both used to the country, contented in their sphere,
+interested in rural surroundings, fond of children, fond of animals,
+fond of fruit?</p>
+
+<p>(13) Is he strong and healthy, neither shortsighted nor deaf? (I have
+suffered much from both.)</p>
+
+<p>(14) His wife ditto, <i>and always tidy</i>?</p>
+
+<p>(15) Does he stammer? (I have been greatly inconvenienced by this.)</p>
+
+<p>(16) His wife ditto?</p>
+
+<p>(17) Does he squint? (This has often been a trial to me.)</p>
+
+<p>(18) His wife ditto?</p>
+
+<p>(19) Is he active, industrious, enthusiastic and an early riser,
+good-natured, equable and obliging?</p>
+
+<p>(20) His wife ditto, and <i>no gossip</i>?</p>
+
+<p>(21) Is he a heavy smoker?</p>
+
+<p>(22) His wife ditto?</p>
+
+<p>(23) Is he well up to the culture of vegetables, the upraising of
+flowers and the education of fruit, both outside and under glass?</p>
+
+<p>(24) Is he capable of feeding hens, driving a motor, overhauling a
+pianola, carving or waiting at table if required?</p>
+
+<p>(25) To what Church do they belong? What are their favourite
+recreations? Do they sing in the choir? if so, is he tenor or baritone;
+his wife ditto?</p>
+
+<p>(26) Are they on good terms with each other, and <i>no domestic
+bickering</i>?</p>
+
+<p>(27) What wages did you pay him?</p>
+
+<p>(28) Why (on earth) did you part with him?</p>
+
+<p>An immediate answer will greatly oblige. I enclose an addressed
+envelope.</p>
+
+<p>I am, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Your obedient Servant,</p>
+
+<p class="midauthor"> <span class="sc">Julius Pitherby.</span></p>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">Letter II.</span></h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Myself to Julius Pitherby, Esq.,</i></p>
+<p class="right"><i>Manor Orange, Pimhaven.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;I thank you for your letter. The answers to questions (1),
+(2), (25), (27) and (28) are in the affirmative. With regard to the
+others you have, no doubt unwittingly, put me in rather a dilemma. You
+see, Anderson left my service when he was sixteen and I have not heard
+of him since, though it is true that I did see his father (who belongs
+to this neighbourhood) on the roof of the church one day last month. I
+might make shots at them, of course, but I dare say it is better to
+leave it. I am interested to learn that Henry is married.</p>
+
+<p>I am, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Yours faithfully, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">Letter III.</span></h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Myself to Henry Anderson,</i></p>
+<p class="right"><i>c/o Ezekiel Anderson, Slater, Crashie, Howe.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">My dear Henry</span>,&mdash;I do not think if I were you I should accept Mr. Julius
+Pitherby's offer of a job. Your marriage may, of course, have been&mdash;I
+hope it was&mdash;the occasion of your turning over a new leaf. Still, I
+doubt if you are quite the paragon he is looking for, and I am afraid
+that you may find him a little inquisitive.</p>
+
+<p>I am, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Yours faithfully, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ONCE UPON A TIME.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">The Power of the Press.</span></h3>
+
+<p>Once upon a time there was a quiet respectable little
+spell-of-hot-weather, with no idea of being a nuisance or doing more
+than warm people up a bit, and make the summer really feel like summer,
+and add attraction to seaside resorts. Directly it reached our shores
+every one began to be happy; and they would have gone on being so but
+for the sub-editors, who cannot leave well alone but must be for ever
+finding adjectives for it and teasing it with attentions. Just then they
+were particularly free to turn their attentions to the kindly visitor,
+because there was no good murder at the moment, and no divorce case, and
+no spicy society scandal, and therefore their pages were in need of
+filling. And seeing the little spell-of-hot-weather they gave way to
+their passion for labelling everything with crisp terseness&mdash;or terse
+crispness (I forget which)&mdash;and called it a "heat wave," and straightway
+began to give it half the paper, and with huge headings such as, "<span class="sc">The
+Heat-Wave</span>," "<span class="sc">Heat-Wave Still Growing</span>," "<span class="sc">80 in the Shade</span>," "<span class="sc">How to
+Support such Weather</span>," so that the nice little spell-of-hot-weather was
+gradually goaded into the desire really to justify this excitement.</p>
+
+<p>"Very well," it said, "I never meant to be more than 80 in the shade and
+a pleasant interlude in the usual disappointing English June; but since
+they're determined I'm a nuisance I'll be one. I'll go up to 84."</p>
+
+<p>And it did. It reached 84; and the wise people who like warmth said,
+"How splendid! If only it would go on like this for ever! Not
+hotter&mdash;just like this.".</p>
+
+<p>But the sub-editors were not satisfied. They had got hold of a good
+thing and they meant to run it for all it was worth. So "<span class="sc">Hotter than
+Ever</span>" they sprawled across their papers, there still being nothing of
+real public interest to distract them, "<span class="sc">Hotter Tomorrow</span>," "<span class="sc">Heat-Wave
+Growing</span>," "<span class="sc">Terrible Heat</span>."</p>
+
+<p>And now the spell-of-hot-weather was stimulated to be really vicious. "I
+call Heaven to witness," it said, "that my sole desire was to be genial
+and beneficial. But what can one do when one is taunted and provoked,
+abused and nick-named like this? Very well then, I'll go up to 90!"</p>
+
+<p>And it did. The sub-editors were delighted. "<span class="sc">Appalling Heat</span>," they
+wrote, "<span class="sc">Tropical England</span>," "<span class="sc">Gasping London</span>," "<span class="sc">Heat-Wave Breaks all
+Records</span>," "<span class="sc">Hottest Day for Fifty Years</span>," "<span class="sc">No Signs of Relief</span>."</p>
+
+<p>And even the people who like warmth began to grumble a
+little&mdash;hypnotised by the Press. But the spell-of-hot-weather had had
+enough. "I'll go somewhere else, where I'm really welcome and they don't
+have contents bills," it said, and it crossed the Channel to Paris. It
+looked back to the English shores, deserted now by the happy paddlers
+and bathers and baskers of the days before. "I'm sorry to leave you," it
+said, "but don't blame me."</p>
+
+<p>Yet the public did.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "The downpour of rain, which lasted for an hour, was preceded by a
+     remarkable shower of hailstones, some of which were almost as large
+     as marbles, and were as hard as ice."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Herald.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And then came the rain, some drops of which were as wet as water.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "The tussle between Mr. Matheson and Mr. Anderson was carried to
+     the 18th green, where the latter stood one."&mdash;<i>Daily Record.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>"Mine's a gin and ginger," said Mr. <span class="sc">Matheson</span>, as he holed the winning
+put.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page77" id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/77.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/77.jpg" alt="The Creation Of A Masterpiece Of Millinery" /></a>
+<h3>THE CREATION OF A MASTERPIECE OF MILLINERY.</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page78" id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span></p>
+
+<h2>THE GUARDED GREEN.</h2>
+
+<p>[<i>It has been suggested that spectators at popular golf competitions
+should be installed in grand stands and other enclosures, and be
+restrained from wandering about the links.</i>]</p>
+
+<p>In playing his tee shot from in front of the Green Steward's marquee,
+Mr. Tullbrown-Smith, who took the honour in the final round of the 1916
+Amateur Championship, unfortunately pulled his ball, with the result
+that, narrowly missing the Actors' Benevolent Fund stand, it entered the
+grand ducal box. The Grand Duke Raphael graciously decided that Mr.
+Tullbrown-Smith should be presented to His Imperial Highness before
+playing out. Pardonable nervousness proved fatal to the shot, which,
+being badly topped, fell into the Press pen, where it was photographed
+by <i>The Daily Mirror's</i> special artist before it could be recovered by
+its owner.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is interesting to record that along the straight mile boarded by the
+shilling enclosure Mr. Tanquery McBrail, who had been playing with
+marvellously decorative effect, had his ball blown into the bunker at
+the tenth by the laughter of the less well-informed onlookers, while a
+regrettable incident was the contribution of several empty ginger-beer
+bottles to the natural difficulties of the hazard.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Some dissatisfaction was expressed among the occupants of the cinema
+operators' cage. From the position allotted to them by the publicity
+committee it was impossible to film the most interesting moments in the
+Championship round, such as Mr. Tullbrown-Smith's acceptance of a peeled
+banana from his caddie on emerging from the particularly scenic bunker
+known as "Hell." Also a fine "picture" was missed at the 13th tee, where
+Mr. Tanquery McBrail was surrounded by a militant suffragist, who had
+invaded the course in spite of the rabbit-wire and double
+<i>chevaux-de-frise</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Owing to the fact that the fashionable audience assembled in the
+Guards', Cavalry and Bath Club stands insisted upon encoring both
+players' wonderful putts at the 16th green, and the consequent delay of
+nearly ten minutes, there were some rather ugly manifestations of
+impatience in the cheaper seats. In spite of the fact that the Pale Pink
+Pierrots had been specially engaged to fill the interval before the
+finalists passed, they were so loudly booed upon their arrival that Mr.
+Tanquery McBrail put his mashie approach into the Parliamentary
+compound, amidst the jeers and hoots of the more unruly, who seemed to
+forget that the royal and ancient game is not a music-hall
+entertainment.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The fact that the links marshal had placed all the professional players
+present in one row of fauteuils, opposite the long carry to the 18th
+green, hardly seemed to further the interests of perfect golf. The
+warmest acknowledgments are therefore due to a number of ex-open
+champions, who kindly turned their backs on what proved one of the most
+distressing episodes in the day's play.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A MARK OF DISTINCTION.</h2>
+
+<p>When I passed our butcher's on my way to the station yesterday morning,
+I noticed outside his shop a placard prominently displayed, which
+read:&mdash;"Williamson's Spring Lamb. So different from the ordinary
+butchers."</p>
+
+<p>There was no apostrophe before the "s" in "butchers," so the reference
+was clearly to Williamson and not Williamson's Spring Lamb.</p>
+
+<p>"Is Williamson really different from his rivals?" I said to myself,
+crossing to the other side of the road to take a general survey of the
+shop front. No, the same sort of joints seemed to be hanging up as those
+in other butchers' windows; the same sort of legends attached to those
+which passers-by were invited to note particularly.</p>
+
+<p>I crossed the road again. Yes, as I feared. There were several ordinary
+flies and at least one bluebottle exercising themselves on the meat. The
+choice cutlets were not isolated or decorated with garlands, or made a
+fuss of in any way. They just fraternised on terms of equality with the
+rest. The usual "young lady" in a smart blouse, with her bare pink neck
+served up in a ham-frill, sat behind the usual window, probably trying
+to work out the usual sums in butcher's arithmetic.</p>
+
+<p>The top half of Mr. Williamson was visible behind his chopping-table. He
+saw me and touched his hat&mdash;a bowler; nothing very extraordinary about
+the bowler. The brim was certainly a great deal flatter than I like
+personally, but quite in keeping with the general tastes of those who
+purvey meat.</p>
+
+<p>I thought it better to postpone further investigations, and reflected
+that Honor might be able to enlighten me when I returned home that
+evening.</p>
+
+<p>"No," she said, when I asked her about it, "I haven't noticed anything
+exceptionally superior about him."</p>
+
+<p>"Bills any different?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," she said, "they take as long to pay; about as exorbitant as most
+of the others."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you observed anything peculiar about his manners, then?" I said;
+"does he ever throw chops at you, for instance, when you pass the shop?"</p>
+
+<p>"No such luck," said Honor; "I'm a good catch."</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps they give you tea," I said, "when you make an afternoon call on
+the sirloins?"</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed they don't," said Honor, "not even when I go to pay something
+off the book."</p>
+
+<p>"Then perhaps you have cosy little auction bridge parties in the room
+behind the cashier's window? No? Butchers are behind the times."</p>
+
+<p>"There ought," said Honor, "to be a good joke to be made out of that&mdash;a
+newspaper joke; but I can't quite see how to make it just yet."</p>
+
+<p>"That's something to the good," I said. "However, to our muttons."</p>
+
+<p>"Rotten," said Honor.</p>
+
+<p>"What of his entourage?" I said, ignoring her comment; "his steak-bearer
+and the like?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing unusual; just <i>épris</i> with Emily."</p>
+
+<p>"Then where, oh where," I said, "is this difference that Williamson
+brags about?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know," Honor said helplessly.</p>
+
+<p>"I shall find out," I said, "even if I have to do the housekeeping
+myself for a bit."</p>
+
+<p>"You can take it on," she said, "when you like."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Aha!" I said triumphantly, as I burst into the room this evening. "I've
+solved the Williamson problem. He was standing at his door as I passed
+just now, in all the regalia of his dread office."</p>
+
+<p>"And you went up to him and said, 'Well, what about it?' and pointed to
+the notice, I suppose."</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," I said; "I merely looked at him and the scales fell from
+my eyes. He butches in spats."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "In the open Golf Championship Treen won with 78."&mdash;<i>Monthly Daily
+     Chronicle.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Next year it will be the saintly <span class="sc">Andrew's</span> turn again.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "With lightning-like repetition of his strides (his quick action is
+     the essence of his speed), Applegarth came flying down the home
+     straight."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Post.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Seeing that we were looking to <span class="sc">Applegarth</span> to uphold British prestige at
+the next Olympic games, we regret extremely that the secret of his speed
+should have been given away to our rivals.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page79" id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/79.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/79.jpg" alt="The Bookmaker" /></a>
+<p><i>Counsel.</i> "<span class="sc">Prisoner is the man you saw commit the
+theft?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Witness (a bookmaker).</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, Sir.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Counsel.</i> "<span class="sc">You swear on your oath that prisoner is the man?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Witness.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, Sir.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Sporting Judge.</i> "<span class="sc">Are you prepared to give me five to two on the
+prisoner being the man?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Witness.</i> "<span class="sc">Ah, I'm sorry, me lord, but I'm taking a holiday to-day.
+Nothing doing.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Ellen Melicent Cobden</span> can certainly not be accused of writing too
+hurriedly. I don't know how many years it is since, as "<span class="sc">Miles Amber</span>,"
+she captured my admiration with that wonderful first novel, <i>Wistons</i>;
+and now here is her second, <i>Sylvia Saxon</i> (<span class="sc">Unwin</span>), only just appearing.
+I may say at once that it entirely confirms my impression that she is a
+writer of very real and original gifts. <i>Sylvia Saxon</i> is not a pleasant
+book. It is hard, more than a little bitter, and deliberately
+unsympathetic in treatment. But it is grimly real. <i>Sylvia</i> herself is a
+character that lives, and her mother, Rachel, almost eclipses her in
+this same quality of tragic vitality. The whole tale is a tragedy of
+empty and meaningless lives passed in an atmosphere of too much money
+and too little significance. The "society" of a Northern manufacturing
+plutocracy, the display and rivalry, the marriages between the enriched
+families, the absence of any standard except wealth&mdash;all these things
+are set down with the minute realism that must come, I am sure, of
+intimate personal knowledge. <i>Sylvia</i> is the offspring of one such
+family, and mated to the decadent heir of another. Her tragedy is that
+too late she meets a man whom she supposes capable of giving her the
+fuller, more complete life for which she has always ignorantly yearned.
+Then there is <i>Anne</i>, the penniless girl, hired as a child to be a
+playfellow for <i>Sylvia</i>, who herself loves the same man, and dies when
+his dawning affection is ruthlessly swept away from her by the dominant
+personality of <i>Sylvia</i>. A tale, one might call it, of unhappy women;
+not made the less grim by the fact that the man for whom they fought is
+shown as wholly unworthy of such emotion. A powerful, disturbing and
+highly original story.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Saki</span>" has been now for a number of years a great delight to me, and his
+last work, <i>Beasts and Super-Beasts</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>), is as good as any of its
+predecessors. Clothed in the elegant garments of <i>Clovis</i> or <i>Reginald</i>,
+Mr. <span class="sc">Munro</span> makes plain to us how lovely this world might be were we only
+a little bolder about our practical jokes. In the art of introducing
+bears into the boudoir of a countess or pigs into the study of a
+diplomat, and then clinching the matter with the wittiest of epigrams,
+<i>Clovis</i> is supreme. He knows, too, an immense amount about the
+vengeance that children may take upon their relations, and ladies upon
+their lady friends. I like him especially when he man&oelig;uvres some
+stupid but kind-hearted woman into a situation of whose peril she
+herself is only cloudily aware, while the reader knows all about it.
+That is the fun of the whole thing. The reader is for ever assisting
+<i>Clovis</i> and <i>Reginald</i>; in the course of their daring adventures he
+connives from behind curtains, through key-holes, from ambushes in
+trees, and always, whilst the poor creature is being harried by wild
+boars or terrified by menacing kittens, <i>Clovis</i> may be observed, with
+finger on lip, begging of the intelligent reader that he will not give
+things away. Of the present collection of stories I like best "A Touch
+of Realism,"
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page80" id="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span>
+"The Byzantine Omelette," "The Boar-Pig," and "The Dreamer;" but all are
+good, and I can only hope that it will not be too long before <i>Clovis</i>
+once again invites us to further delightful conspiracies.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>Ars est celara artem</i>, and not to define and emphasise it in a foreword
+to the reader. The motive of <i>The Last Shot</i> (<span class="sc">Chapman and Hall</span>) appears
+in due course in the narrative; I would have preferred to discover it
+gradually for myself rather than have the essence of it extracted and
+poured into me in advance. The preface has not the excuse of a mere
+advertisement; to open this book at any point is to read the whole, and
+every page is the strongest possible incentive to the reading of the
+others. If (as is not admitted) any personal explanation was necessary,
+it should have been put at the end and in small type so that those who,
+like myself, detest explanations might have avoided this one. I am the
+more severe about this, because there can be no two opinions as to Mr.
+<span class="sc">Frederick Palmer's</span> success in achieving his purpose, which, obviously,
+was to conceive modern warfare as between two First-class Powers,
+fighting in the midst of civilisation, and to reduce it to terms of
+exact realism, showing the latest devices of destruction at work, but
+carefully excluding those improbable and impossible agencies which the
+more exuberant but less informed novelist loves to imagine and put in
+play. Mr. <span class="sc">Palmer's</span> conception, though based upon some experience, is for
+the most part speculative, of course, but I am confident that he gives
+us an excellent idea of how the military machine would work in practice,
+how its human constituent parts would feel inwardly, and what physical
+and moral effects a battle would have upon those civilians who inhabited
+and owned the battlefield. Whether or no the future will prove the truth
+of the author's somewhat Utopian conclusions, he certainly founds them
+upon a most exciting and convincing story, in which the "love interest"
+is as powerful as could be desired.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Would you like to pay a round of visits to some delightful Shropshire
+houses, as the friend and guest of a charming woman, who knows all about
+what is most interesting in all of them, and has a pleasantly chatty
+manner of telling it? Of course you would; so would anyone. That is why
+I predict another success for Lady <span class="sc">Catherine Milnes Gaskell's</span> latest
+house-book, <i>Friends Round the Wrekin</i> (<span class="sc">Smith, Elder</span>). Perhaps you have
+pleasant memories of her former volumes in the same kind; if so, I need
+say no more by way of introduction; but, if not, I must tell you that
+her new book is very fairly described, in the words of the publisher, as
+"a further collection of history and legend, garden lore and character
+study." What the publishers modestly refrain from mentioning is the real
+charm with which it has been written, a quality that makes all the
+difference. There are also photographs of a number of wholly fascinating
+houses (the kind that make me wistful when I see them in the
+auctioneers' windows), and the author has some personal anecdote or
+quaint scrap of legend to tell you about each. I am quite willing to
+admit that the rambling book has increased lately to an extent
+imperfectly justified by its average quality. Too many of them confuse
+rambling with drivelling. But for the reflections of a cultivated woman,
+one who has steeped herself in the lore of a country she evidently
+loves, and can transcribe it with such tender and persuasive charm,
+there should always be room. I may add&mdash;and your own tastes must decide
+whether this is a flaw or a fresh merit&mdash;that Lady <span class="sc">Catherine's</span>
+sympathies, political and social, are undisguisedly with the past, and
+that the "Education of the People" comes in, upon almost every other
+page, for as shrewd raps as her gentle nature will allow her to
+administer.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>I wish I were Mr. <span class="sc">Justus Miles Forman</span>. Because then, if I ever chanced
+to wake up suddenly and find that I had been drugged in my sleep, and
+the six immense rubies, brought here from the East by a far-off ancestor
+and set in a black agate shield above my bed, to represent the "six
+<i>gouttes</i> (or drops) <i>gules</i> on a field <i>sable</i>" of my immemorial
+coat-of-arms, had been rudely reaved from me in the night by my cousin,
+who had sent one each to his six sons, I should have no fear. I should
+feel perfectly convinced that in a short time, by my own personal
+exertions, but without exercising the least particle of intelligence, I
+should recover those six rubies (representing six <i>gouttes</i> or drops
+<i>gules</i>) and replace them in the black agate shield (representing a
+field <i>sable</i>); and naturally enough, like the autobiographical hero of
+<i>The Six Rubies</i> (representing&mdash;&mdash;I beg your pardon, I mean, published
+by <span class="sc">Ward, Lock</span>), I should not dream of calling in the aid of the police.
+Another jolly thing that would inspirit me would be the fact that each
+of my adventures in search of the missing jewels would conform to a
+separate and well-known type of magazine story: there would be one fire,
+one notorious cracksman, one haunted castle, one cabinet with a secret
+drawer, and so on. There would be plenty of excitement, plenty of
+hairbreadth escapes. But I think that, when collating my experiences and
+putting them into six-shilling form, I should delete some of the
+tautologous references to the past which are one of the stern
+necessities of serial publication. Otherwise my readers might begin to
+feel slightly fatigued by my six ancestral <i>gouttes</i>. They might even
+begin to feel that they did not much care if I had hereditary sciatica.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/80.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/80.jpg" alt="You're going to fight?" /></a>
+<p><i>Lady (to Nut who has talked of joining the Nationalist Volunteers).</i>
+"<span class="sc">But you don't mean to say, surely, you're going to fight?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Nut.</i> "<span class="sc">Well I rather thought of pairing with one of the Ulster
+fellows.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+     "In addition to excellent port, which furnished many prominent
+     features, the attendance was perhaps the best ever seen on a like
+     occasion."&mdash;<i>Sportsman.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The most prominent feature would, of course, be the nose.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<pre>
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, July 15, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2201 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+July 15, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 15, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 29, 2007 [EBook #23658]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Nigel Blower, Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 147.
+
+
+
+July 15th, 1914.
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Two men carrying bombs were arrested last week on the outskirts of
+Paris, and are suspected of a plot against the FRENCH PRESIDENT. They
+alleged that the bombs were made for the TSAR OF RUSSIA, but the TSAR
+denies that he gave the commission.
+
+       ***
+
+The town of Criccieth, it is reported, has decided to give up gas in
+favour of electricity. This, of course, is not meant as a slight on
+its most illustrious resident.
+
+       ***
+
+Posted at Ventnor, Isle of Wight, on July 14, 1904, a postcard has
+just been delivered at the Grapes Hotel in Cowes. The recipient is
+said to have expressed the opinion that it would have been quicker,
+almost, to have telephoned the message.
+
+       ***
+
+Miss NINA BOYLE, of the Women's Freedom League, has sent to the
+papers a list of ladies on whom she considers the KING ought to bestow
+honours. Among the writers there is one notable omission, and Miss
+MARIE CORELLI is said to be more of an anti-Suffragette than ever.
+
+       ***
+
+"NEW THEATRE FOR LONDON,
+ALL SEATS IN THE HOUSE TO BE BOOKED."
+
+So the great difficulty has been solved at last! So may theatres fail
+because the seats are not taken.
+
+       ***
+
+A movement is on foot to induce Mr. CHARLES GARVICE to change the name
+of his play, _A Heritage of Hate_, as so many patrons of melodrama
+have experienced difficulty in pronouncing the title as it stands at
+present.
+
+       ***
+
+In a struggle between a British sailor and a German policeman at
+Wilhelmshaven the other day honours seem to have been fairly even. The
+policeman, who used his sword, lost his head, and the sailor a piece
+of his nose.
+
+       ***
+
+Two men of good position were tried last week before the State Court
+of Berlin for refusing to address a policeman as "Mr." That will
+surprise no one who knows his Prussia. It is the sequel which takes
+our breath away. The two men were acquitted!
+
+       ***
+
+Volume 10 of the Census of 1911 shows that in the preceding ten years
+clergymen of the Established Church declined from 25,235 to 24,859.
+"The decrease is accounted for by the lack of young men taking
+orders." The wonder is that such orders were not at once snapped up by
+alert Germans.
+
+       ***
+
+Miss LAURA WENTWORTH, of Nebraska, known as "The Big Hat Girl," has,
+we are told, sailed from New York in the _Imperator_ with a hat which
+measures 58 inches in diameter. These giant liners are justifying
+themselves.
+
+       ***
+
+We are glad that the POSTMASTER-GENERAL has promised a Bill against
+foreign sweeps. Only the other day we received a circular headed
+"Schimneys Scheaply Schwept."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONE ADVANTAGE ABOUT THESE ABSOLUTELY REMOTE COUNTRY
+COTTAGES IS THAT YOU CAN WEAR OUT SOME OF THE COSTUMES IN WHICH YOU
+WENT TO THE FANCY BALLS THIS SEASON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+While we are ready to grant that it is not always easy to find the apt
+quotation, we cannot help thinking that _The Daily Telegraph_ would
+have caused less offence if it had published the following paragraph
+without any tag at all:--
+
+    The Mayor and Mayoress of Kensington, Alderman and Mrs. W. H.
+    Davison, held a reception at the Kensington Town trail last
+    evening, their guests numbering between 400 and 500.
+
+        Oh, how peaceful is their sleep,
+        They who "Keating's" always keep.
+
+       ***
+
+"Cheerful Company at all the Cafes. Soup to Cheese 1/-," announces an
+advertisement in _The Manchester Guardian_. We have heard of lively
+cheese before, but the chatty soup must be something of a novelty.
+
+       ***
+
+"Strawberries are going out," reports _The Evening News_. We are in a
+position to confirm this statement. We met one out the other evening.
+
+       ***
+
+According to _La France Militaire_ the French Navy is about to try the
+experiment of enlisting black sailors. We should say that they will
+be found to make the most admirable stokers, not showing the dirt like
+the white men.
+
+       ***
+
+Describing a recent visit of a party of Congressmen and State
+officials to one of the teetotal battleships of the American Navy,
+a contemporary says, "The distinguished guests took water with what
+grace they could." Evidently they thought it scarcely worth saying
+grace for.
+
+       ***
+
+The statement made last week in the course of a certain trial that "as
+a man grows older he becomes riper" has had a curious sequel.
+Orders are pouring in from the Cannibal Isles for consignments of
+centenarians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE.
+
+(_The modern girl, according to a daily paper, is not to be won by
+love-making. She prefers a cheerful and amusing companion._)
+
+  Dear, of old I swore devotion
+    In the manner knights employed,
+  Wrote epistles with emotion
+    (Which I trust have been destroyed);
+  Now at last, a practised lover,
+    Boasting conquests not a few,
+  I am told to put a cover
+    On my sentiments for you.
+
+  Cupid's chat is out of fashion;
+    Sloppy words are never said;
+  Voices once a-throb with passion
+    Shake with merriment instead;
+  Poets qualified to tackle
+    Lyric metres when inspired
+  Stoop to make the ladies cackle--
+    Nothing further is required.
+
+  Doubtless one whose occupation
+    Has a dull and solemn trend
+  Might enjoy, as relaxation,
+    Jesting with a female friend;
+  But, corrupted by the money
+    That my written humours bring,
+  How on earth can I be funny
+    For the pleasure of the thing?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Daily Chronicle_ on the latest submarine:--
+
+    "It will also be equipped with a quick-firing gun, which
+    disappears when the vessel is submerged."
+
+This is far the best arrangement; it would never do for it to be left
+floating where any passer-by could pick it up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WARM HALF-HOUR.
+
+Whatever the papers say, it was the hottest afternoon of the year. At
+six-thirty I had just finished dressing after my third cold bath since
+lunch, when Celia tapped on the door.
+
+"I want you to do something for me," she said. "It's a shame to ask
+you on a day like this."
+
+"It _is_ rather a shame," I agreed, "but I can always refuse."
+
+"Oh, but you mustn't. We haven't got any ice, and the Thompsons are
+coming to dinner. Do you think you could go and buy three pennyworth?
+Jane's busy, and I'm busy, and----"
+
+"And I'm busy," I said, opening and shutting a drawer with great
+rapidity.
+
+"Just three pennyworth," she pleaded. "Nice cool ice. Think of sliding
+home on it."
+
+Well, of course it had to be done. I took my hat and staggered out. On
+an ordinary cool day it is about half-a-mile to the fishmonger; to-day
+it was about two miles-and-a-quarter. I arrived exhausted, and with
+only just strength enough to kneel down and press my forehead against
+the large block of ice in the middle of the shop, round which the
+lobsters nestled.
+
+"Here, you mustn't do that," said the fishmonger, waving me away.
+
+I got up, slightly refreshed.
+
+"I want," I said, "some----" and then a thought occurred to me.
+
+After all, _did_ fishmongers sell ice? Probably the large block in
+front of me was just a trade sign like the coloured bottles at the
+chemist's. Suppose I said to a Fellow of the Pharmaceutical Society,
+"I want some of that green stuff in the window," he would only laugh.
+The tactful thing to do would be to buy a pint or two of laudanum
+first, and _then_, having established pleasant relations, ask him as a
+friend to lend me his green bottle for a bit.
+
+So I said to the fishmonger, "I want some--some nice lobsters."
+
+"How many would you like?"
+
+"One," I said.
+
+We selected a nice one between us, and he wrapped a piece of _Daily
+Mail_ round it, leaving only the whiskers visible, and gave it to me.
+The ice being now broken--I mean the ice being now--well, you see what
+I mean--I was now in a position to ask for some of his ice.
+
+"I wonder if you could let me have a little piece of your ice," I
+ventured.
+
+"How much ice do you want?" he said promptly.
+
+"Sixpennyworth," I said, not knowing a bit how much it would be, but
+feeling that Celia's threepennyworth sounded rather mean.
+
+"Six of ice, Bill," he shouted to an inferior at the back, and
+Bill tottered up with a block about the size of one of the lions in
+Trafalgar Square. He wrapped a piece of _Daily News_ round it and gave
+it to me.
+
+"Is that all?" asked the fishmonger.
+
+"That is all," I said faintly; and, with Algernon, the overwhiskered
+crustacean, firmly clutched in the right hand and Stonehenge supported
+on the palm of the left hand, I retired.
+
+The flat seemed a very long way away, but having bought twice as much
+ice as I wanted, and an entirely unnecessary lobster, I was not going
+to waste still more money in taxis. Hot though it was, I would walk.
+
+For some miles all went well. Then the ice began to drip through the
+paper, and in a little while the underneath part of _The Daily News_
+had disappeared altogether. Tucking the lobster under my arm I turned
+the block over, so that it rested on another part of the paper. Soon
+that had dissolved too. By the time I had got half-way our Radical
+contemporary had been entirely eaten.
+
+Fortunately _The Daily Mail_ remained. But to get it I had to
+disentangle Algernon first, and I had no hand available. There was
+only one thing to do. I put the block of ice down on the pavement,
+unwrapped the lobster, put the lobster temporarily in my pocket,
+spread its _Daily Mail_ out next to the ice, lifted the ice on to the
+paper, and--looked up and saw Mrs. Thompson approaching.
+
+She was the last person I wanted at that moment. In an hour and a half
+she would be dining with us. Algernon would not be dining with us.
+If Algernon and Mrs. Thompson were to meet now, would she not be
+expecting him to turn up at every course? Think of the long-drawn-out
+disappointment for her; not even lobster sauce!
+
+There was no time to lose. I decided to abandon the ice. Leaving it
+on the pavement I turned round and walked hastily back the way I had
+come.
+
+By the time I had shaken off Mrs. Thompson I was almost at the
+fishmonger's. That decided me. I would begin all over again, and would
+do it properly this time.
+
+"I want," I said boldly, "threepennyworth of ice."
+
+"Three of ice, Bill," said the fishmonger, and Bill gave me quite a
+respectable segment in _The Morning Post_.
+
+"And I want a taxi," I said, and I summoned one.
+
+We drove quickly home.
+
+As we neared the flat I suddenly remembered Algernon. I drew him out
+of my pocket, red and undraped.
+
+This would never do. If the porter saw me entering my residence with a
+nice lobster, the news would soon get about, and before I knew where I
+was I should have a super-tax form sprung on me. I placed the block of
+ice on the seat, took off its _Morning Post_, and wrapped up Algernon.
+Then I sprang out, gave the man a shilling, and got into the lift.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Bless you," said Celia, "have you got it? How sweet of you!" And she
+took my parcel from me. "Now we shall be able----Why, what's this?"
+
+I looked at it closely.
+
+"It's--it's a lobster," I said, "Didn't you say lobster?"
+
+"I said ice."
+
+"Oh," I said, "oh, I didn't understand. I thought you said lobster."
+
+"You can't put lobster in cider cup," said Celia severely.
+
+Of course I quite see that. It was rather a silly mistake of mine.
+However, it's pleasant to think that the taxi must have been nice and
+cool for the next man.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE TOWER.
+
+  Upon the old black guns
+    The old black raven hops;
+  We gave him bits of buns
+    And cakes and acid-drops;
+  He's wise, and his way's devout,
+    But he croaks and he flaps his wings
+  (And the flood runs out and the sergeants shout)
+    For the first and the last of things;
+  He croaks to Robinson, Brown, and Jones,
+  The song of the ravens, "_Dead Men's Bones!_"
+
+  For into the lifting dark
+    And a drizzle of clearing rain,
+  His sire flapped out of the Ark
+    And never came back again;
+  So I always fancy that,
+    Ere the frail lost blue showed thin,
+  Alone he sat upon Ararat
+    To see a new world in,
+  And yelped to the void from a cairn of stones
+  The song of the ravens, "_Dead Men's Bones!_"
+
+  When the last of mankind lie slain
+    On Armageddon's field,
+  When the last red west has ta'en
+    The last day's flaming shield,
+  There shall sit when the shadows run
+    (D'you doubt, good Sirs, d'you doubt?)
+  His last rogue son on an empty gun
+    To see an old world out;
+  And he'll croak (as to Robinson, Brown and Jones)
+  The song of the ravens, "_Dead Men's Bones!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LIBERAL CAVE-MEN; OR, A HOLT FROM THE BLUE.
+
+HARASSED CHANCELLOR. "IT'S NOT SO MUCH FOR MY FEET THAT I
+MIND--THEY'RE HARDENED AGAINST THIS KIND OF THING; BUT I DO HATE ROCKS
+ON MY HEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MARCH OF CIVILISATION IN IRELAND.
+
+_Tim._ "WELL, PATSY, ARE YE AFTHER BUILDING AN ADDITION TO YER
+HOUSE?"
+
+_Patsy._ "SHURE AND THE HINS LIKES A PLACE TO THIMSILVES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TEMPERING THE WIND;
+OR, THE INDEMNIFICATION OF ANTONIO.
+
+[_In the Census returns for 1911, recently published, organ-grinders
+are no longer counted as musicians._]
+
+  When buffets from the frowning Fates demoralise,
+    And all the spirit yearns for honeyed death;
+  When limply on the harper's brow the laurel lies
+    And something in his bosom deeply saith,
+  "N.G. I give it up! Behold! misshapen is
+    The bowler that surmounts my glorious mane;
+  Life is all kicks without the boon of halfpennies;
+        The rates are here again;"----
+
+  'Tis sweet, 'tis very sweet to gaze at Helicon
+    And think, "On me the sacred fire has dropped,
+  The lute, at any rate, still hangs, a relic, on
+    This diaphragm, although the shirt is popped;"
+  And so it was, I ween, with your position,
+    Ansonia's sunny child, from house to house
+  Aye wandering: still you ranked as a musician,
+        The same as Dr. STRAUSS.
+
+  People were rude to you: they said, "Be gibbetted!"
+    In many a ruthless road your cheek grew wan
+  Where hawkers and street-music were prohibited
+    And stout policemen urged you to get on;
+  Yet still that stubborn heart, the heart of CATO'S kin,
+    Stayed you, and still the gleam that cannot die,
+  Though every now and then an old potato skin
+        Did welt you in the eye.
+
+  Tattered and soiled, an exile and an alien,
+    Somehow you touched the Cockney nymphs with awe;
+  You lit the cold clay statue, like Pygmalion,
+    To blood-red raptures; you were sib to SHAW;
+  Others might hale the town in cushioned chariots
+    To see them dance or daub, to hear them strum;
+  You also had your moments: jigging Harriets
+        Joyed in your simian chum.
+
+  And how shall these things change? Shall childish galleries
+    That deemed you once Apollo's minister,
+  Say, "Garn, old monkey!" Shall colossal salaries
+    Reward the Muse and not the dulcimer?
+  Not gleaming eyeballs, not the soul illuminate?
+    Shall old faiths falter and Antonio's heart
+  Sicken the while he churns, and chilly ruminate,
+        "This is no longer Art"?
+
+  So be it then. But lest the slight unparalleled
+    Shall cause extinction of a breed so stout,
+  And scatter to the winds what tags his barrel held
+    And doom him to go under and get out;
+  Lest he despair and pine from this now streak of ills,
+    Not ranked with virtuosi's shining shapes,
+  Let him he classed anew amongst Pithekophils,
+        An amateur of Apes.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE SACRIFICES TO SPEED. THE "MINIM KID-FIT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAYMENT IN KIND.
+
+I argued that one and threepence was too much to pay for the delivery
+of a telegram which had only cost sixpence itself; I also argued that
+one and threepence was too little for a wealthy institution like the
+G.P.O. to worry about, but the messenger wouldn't reduce the price. I
+had had my telegram, said he, and I must pay for it. I offered to give
+him the telegram back, but he guessed it was only from Carr and wasn't
+having any. It was my money he wanted and that, unhappily, was some
+miles away in a bank.
+
+For reasons best known to myself, and not too clearly appreciated even
+in that quarter, I am always full of petty cash at the beginning of
+the month and out of it at the end. My wife never draws any at all,
+knowing it is much safer where it is, and as for Albert, our only son,
+he takes no interest in the stuff. When we, in moments of self-denial,
+slip a coin into the slit of his money-box, he is merely bored, being
+as yet unable to unlock the box and get the coin out again, owing to
+ignorance of the whereabouts of the key. I explained all this to the
+telegraph boy, but his heart didn't soften; so, still parleying with
+him in the porch, I sent the maid to my wife to see what she could do
+to ease the financial position.
+
+The maid returned with a shilling, which was my wife's limit, and this
+I tendered to the boy, explaining to him the theory of discount for
+net cash. But he was one of those small and obstinate creatures who
+won't learn, so I sent him round to the back premises to get some
+tea, while I retired to the front to do some thinking. It was at
+this moment that Albert chose, imprudently, to make an important
+announcement from the top of the stairs with regard to a first tooth,
+which he had lost by extraction the day before but had not yet been
+able to forget. His idea was that he should come down and inspect
+it once more; but I paid no heed to this. His mention of the matter
+suggested, when I came to think of it, a solution of my difficulty
+with the telegraph boy.
+
+Later, I asked my wife to step into my study and to shut the door
+behind her. "This has become a serious matter," said I; "nay, it
+threatens to be a grave scandal. You remember Albert's tooth?"
+
+She did. These things are not easily forgotten. "I wish," I pursued,
+"to interview Albert's nurse as to it," and I rang the bell sternly.
+
+"She hasn't got it," said my wife; "we have," and she took from the
+mantelpiece a small packet tied up with pink ribbon.
+
+I explained that it wasn't the child's molar but the child's funds
+that I was concerned with. "You will recollect that I compensated him
+for the loss of it with a shilling. It makes it all the more poignant
+that it was my last shilling. I put it into his money-box, the key of
+which is accessible to miscreants. That shilling is gone!"
+
+My wife smiled. "How did you find out?" she asked.
+
+"I had reason to be looking in the box," I said airily, "and happened
+by chance to notice that the shilling had been stolen."
+
+"You mean," said she, "that you were proposing to steal it yourself?"
+
+I disregarded the question. "I never did trust that nurse," said I.
+"But to steal the treasured capital of a defenceless infant!"
+
+"I am the thief," said my wife, "and you are the receiver. Whether
+or not the telegraph-boy will be jointly charged with us is for the
+police and Albert to decide between them."
+
+At this moment the nurse entered and asked what we required of her. My
+wife was confused, but not so I. I told nurse we required nothing of
+her but much of Albert. Would she ask him to step downstairs?
+
+We assembled in the porch, my wife, Albert, the nurse, and the
+telegraph boy. I took the chair.
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen," said I, "I have a proposal to lay before the
+meeting with a view to adjusting the acute crisis. Let me remind you
+of the facts:--The gentleman on my right," and I indicated Albert,
+whose attention wandered a little, "was recently possessed of a tooth,
+two parents, and a godfather of the name of Carr. The tooth, as teeth
+will, had to be removed; the parents, as parents may, advanced
+a shilling upon it; and the godfather, as godfathers needn't,
+telegraphed to say he was coming forthwith to the _locus in quo_.
+Things were so when Mr. (I didn't catch your name, Sir," and I turned
+to the telegraph boy) "threatened to liquidate us unless his debt was
+satisfied. Business is, as he very properly remarked, business. "Now
+for my suggestion: Albert," and I turned to him again, "will have, the
+telegram, which, being from _his_ godfather, is rightly his. He will,
+however, take it subject to encumbrances, of which, I understand, he
+has already discharged all but threepence. Happily his parents are
+willing to withdraw their first charge on his personal assets, and
+I have much satisfaction, Sir"--I bowed to the telegraph boy--"in
+presenting you with the goods, which were as recently as yesterday
+valued at no less than a shilling, and in asking you to keep the
+balance as a mark of our unshaken affection and esteem."
+
+And I handed him Albert's tooth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Accused, who gave the name of Janet Arthur, quoted Scott's
+    'Wha Hae' and other works."--_Lincolnshire Echo._
+
+Such as the Wha-Haeverley Novels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WORLD'S WORKERS.
+
+_Little Girl._ "PLEASE, MRS. MURPHY. MUVVER SAYS, IF IT'S FINE,
+TO-MORRER, WILL YOU GO BEGGIN' WITH 'ER?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "THORNS OF PRAISE."
+
+"HIS PURPLEST SIN."
+
+By VERNON BLATHERS (Jack Short, 6/-).
+
+
+_The Weekly Scotsman._ "... vivacious narrative ..."
+
+_The Strathpeffer Courant._ "Replete with up-to-date sentiment ...
+knowledge of the _beau monde_ ... racy, but never transcending the
+bounds of decorum."
+
+_The Buttevant Despatch._ "Passages which the author of 'The Rosary'
+might be proud to have written ... high ideals ... love interest well
+sustained ... careful punctuation."
+
+_The Nether Wallop News._ "Mr. Blathers is a benefactor ... reminds
+us of T. P. O'CONNOR ... luscious word-painting ... well-chosen
+epithets."
+
+_The Machrihamish Mirror._ "Stylish writing ... Mr. Blathers is
+evidently a _persona grata_ in the most _recherche_ circles."
+
+_The Chowbent Eagle._ "Edifying, yet entertaining ... faithful
+portraiture, but ... not in the least like ZOLA ... undoubtedly
+readable."
+
+_The Criccieth Sentinel._ "... inside knowledge of Mayfair ...
+redolent of humanity at its best ... fluid and flexible style ...
+suitable for a country congregation."
+
+_The Kilmarnock News._ "... cannot remember any book which ... better
+than this is."
+
+_The Pilworth Post._ "... redundant with wit ..."
+
+_The Peebles Advertiser._ "Mr. Blathers ... go far."
+
+_The Worcester Academy._ "Mr. Blathers is to be most heartily
+congratulated."
+
+_The N. Wales Dictator._ "... masterly delineation of the Smart Set."
+
+_The Peak News._ "... witty to excess."
+
+_The Bermondsey Examiner._ "Few books so well worth re- and
+re-reading."
+
+_The Poplar Courier._ "A fine novel."
+
+_The Sligo Spectator._ "... marked ability ..."
+
+_The Rutland Observer._ "... meritorious ..."
+
+_The Winchester Tribune._ "... feast of entertainment. Mr. Blathers'
+next should be ... awaited with impatience."
+
+_The Isle of Wight Critic._ "... clever novel ..."
+
+_The Cader-Idris Athenaeum._ "... psychology ... humour ... passion."
+
+_The Bucklaw Post._ "... emotional depths ..."
+
+_The Sunday Deliverer._ "... remarkable book ..."
+
+_The Simla Gazette._ "... verdict ... profoundly enthralling work of
+fiction."
+
+_The Geelong Times._ "... better than ... GEORGE ELIOT."
+
+_The Cork Pall Mall._ "A brilliant first effort."
+
+_The Hackney Examiner._ "... well written ..."
+
+_The Tooting Express._ "... amusing ..."
+
+_The Monthly Citizen._ "The characters have life and movement."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Before lunch each section held its annual meeting in private,
+    and at two o'clock the company sat down to a substantial and
+    very acceptable repast, which was greatly relished by the
+    visitors. After being operated upon by a photographer the
+    party split."
+
+    _Ledbury Guardian._
+
+We were rather afraid they had overdone it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a photographic catalogue:--
+
+    "This is a most complete little Projector.... It is quite
+    self-contained and will protect a thirty-inch picture anywhere
+    at a moment's notice."
+
+It should be installed at the Royal Academy without delay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
+
+SOME OUTSTANDING FEATURES.
+
+_Park Lane._
+
+DEAREST DAPHNE,--The outstanding features of the season have certainly
+been the Friendship Fete, the Kamtchatkan Scriptural opera-ballet,
+"_Noe s'embarque sur l'Arche_," and the Cloak!
+
+The Friendship Fete, to celebrate our not having had any scraps with
+any foreign country for some little time, was simply immense. There
+were descriptive tableaux and groups, and the one undertaken by your
+Blanche--swords being turned into ploughshares and the figure of Peace
+standing in the middle, with Bellona crouching at her feet--was said
+to be an easy winner. I was Peace, of course, in chiffon draperies,
+with my hair down. I hadn't the faintest notion what sort of thing a
+ploughshare was, but I'd clever people to help me, and so it was all
+right. But oh, my best one! the difficulty I had in getting a Bellona!
+They all wanted to be Peace, and some of them were so absolutely
+horrid about it that I couldn't help telling them they were only
+showing how _fit_ they were to be Bellona! (I will tell _you_ in
+confidence that I believe one of them was responsible for some of my
+swords and ploughshares falling down with an immensely odious crash
+just as the opening ceremony was going on.) Norty was given the group
+of all nations, called, "All Men are Brothers," and he said on the
+whole it was rather a rotten job; there was a lot of friction, and
+at one time he was afraid things might get almost to _diplomatic_
+lengths; however, it all went smoothly at last. Still he told me
+_a l'oreille_ that he was glad it was well over, as two or three
+Friendship Fetes would be enough to shake the peace of Europe to its
+foundations!
+
+But nothing matters much while one can go and see the wonderful,
+_wonderful_ Kamtchatkans in "_Noe s'embarque sur l'Arche_"--a feast of
+beauty--a riot of colour--a mass of inner meanings. Who am I, dearest,
+that I should try to word-paint it? Being an opera-ballet, there
+are two Noahs, a singing one and a dancing one. While that glorious
+Golliookin, the singing Noah, is giving the marvellous Flood Music in
+a gallery over the stage, our dear wonderful Ternitenky, the dancing
+Noah, is going into the Ark in a series of the most delicious _pas
+seuls_. Then his dance of Astonishment and Alarm as he sees the waters
+rising--and afterwards his dance of Joy and Thankfulness at finding
+himself quite dry! The _Pas de Six_ of Noah's Sons and their Wives!
+And the _ensemble_ dancing of the Animals! My dearest, you positively
+must and shall leave your solitudes and come and see the Kamtchatkans
+in Scriptural opera-ballet! Only second to _Noe_ is _La Femme de Lot_,
+with dear Sarkavina, in clouds of white, doing a sensational whirling
+dance as she turns into the Pillar, while that amazing soprano,
+Scriemalona, sings the mysterious Salt Music. Bishops quite _swarm_ at
+these performances. They say they consider it their _duty_ to go, and
+that they never _really_ understood the true character of NOAH till
+they saw Ternitenky's beautiful flying leap into the Ark, or quite
+grasped the personality of LOT'S Wife before seeing Sarkavina's
+Pillar-of-Salt dance.
+
+On _Noe_ and _Lot_ nights it's correct to carry a little darling Old
+Testament, bound in velvet or satin to match or contrast with
+one's toilette, and generally with jewels on the cover; and the
+Old Testament is quite often mentioned at dinner just now, people
+pretending they've been reading it, and so on. _A propos_, Mrs.
+Golding-Newman, one of the latest climbers, excused herself for being
+late at dinner somewhere the other night by saying, "I was
+reading Deuteronomy and didn't notice how the time was going." The
+Bullyon-Boundermere woman was present and, determined to trump her
+rival's trick, chipped in with, "Oh, _isn't_ Deuteronomy _charming_?
+But I think of _all_ the books of the Old Testament my favourite is In
+Memoriam!"
+
+The Cloak, my Daphne, which is one of the most interesting arrivals
+in town this summer, is, _a mon avis_, something quite _more_ than
+a garment--it is a great big test of all that a woman most prides
+herself on! You may see a thousand women with cloaks on, but how many
+will be _really wearing_ them! As one criticised the cloaks and their
+wearers in the Enclosure at Aswood one couldn't help murmuring with a
+small sigh, "Who is sufficient for these things!" People who have the
+cloak fastened on _in just any way_, my dear, are simply begging the
+question; in its true inwardness, in its loftiest development, the
+cloak should be a separate creation, kept in its place only by the
+grace and knack of its wearer. There should be _character_ about it, a
+fascinating droop, a sweat crookedness that can only happen when it is
+worn with the art that--you know the rest.
+
+Shall I confide to you my little secret, dearest? Would you know why
+it is given to your Blanche to be easily best of the few women who do
+really _wear_ the cloak? When I'm ready, all but nay cloak, I run away
+from Yvonne down the stairs; she follows, carrying the cloak, and when
+she's beginning to overtake me she throws the cloak and I catch it on
+my shoulders. Result--I'm the envy and despair of all my best beloved
+enemies!
+
+People have been trying to find new places to wear their watches. A
+small watch on the toe of each shoe (plain for day wear, jewelled for
+the evening) had quite a little vogue, though as watches they were no
+good, for no one could see the time by them. Then little teeny watches
+on the tips of glove-fingers were liked a little. But the latest
+development is that Time is _demode_, and anyone mentioning hours and
+half-hours is stamped as an outside person.
+
+Isn't this a _fragrant_ idea about our not being to blame for
+anything we do, because it's all owing to the _colours_ we live with?
+Everybody's _charmed_ about it. Instead of going to _lawyers_
+when things run off the rails a little, if one just called in a
+_colour-expert_ all sorts of horrors might be avoided, for he would
+prove that people are like that owing to the colours of their curtains
+and upholsteries, and aren't to blame themselves, poor, dears, the
+very least little bit! The Thistledown _menage_, for instance. For
+ages it's been tottery, because Thistledown never understood Fluffy,
+and Fluffy, poor little thing, seemed to understand everybody except
+Thistledown. We've all been so sorry for her, for several times he's
+been on the point of dragging things into public. And now it turns out
+that nothing is Fluffy's fault and that, if she hadn't always had her
+own, own room done in pinky-bluey shades, she might have been quite a
+serious domestic character! T. says, if that's so, she'd better have
+her own, own room done in some other colour, but Fluffy says, No, she
+likes pinky-bluey shades, only he must remember, when he's inclined to
+be hard on her, that the pinky-blueys are to blame and not herself.
+
+Then there's old Lady Humguffin, easily the most miserly old dear who
+ever wore a transformation (she even has a taxi-meter thing in her
+own motors and anyone driving with her is expected to pay what it
+registers!). Colour-experts say that if it weren't for the frightfully
+dull dusty purple in which all her rooms are furnished she might part
+quite freely!
+
+So there it is, my dear! People say there's been no such important
+discovery since Gallienus--that fearful old man, you know, who said
+something moved when everyone else said it didn't. (I hardly know
+_how_ I know these things. Please, please don't think I'm becoming a
+_femme savante_!).
+
+  Ever thine,    BLANCHE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO MUCH CHAMPIONSHIP.
+
+Once life was an easy thing.
+
+Yorkshire or Surrey or Kent were cricket champions. RANJI or W. G.
+headed the batting averages; RHODES or RICHARDSON the bowling. The
+office boy who knew these details plus the Boat Race winner and the
+English Cup-holders could keep his end up in conversation. He even
+found time to do a little work.
+
+But now! That poor brain must know that McGinty of Fulham fetched
+L1,000 when put up for auction, that the front line of Blackburn
+Rovers represents an expense of L11,321 13s. 4d., and that Chelsea
+have played before 71,935 spectators. He must know the champions of
+the First, Second, Southern, Midland, and Scottish Leagues, and the
+teams that gained promotion.
+
+Then there is cricket--all worked out to "those damned dots," as
+Lord RANDOLPH said in an inspired moment. Think of the strain of
+remembering that Middlesex stands at 78.66 and Surrey at 72.94. And
+the sporting papers are publishing lists of catches made; and lists of
+catches missed are sure to follow. Think of it--you may have to name
+the Champion Butterfingers in 1915!
+
+Come to tennis. You must know the names of the Australian Terror, the
+New Zealand Cyclone, the American Whirlwind. You must at a glance be
+able to pronounce on the nationality of Mavrogordato or Froitzheim.
+You have the strain of proving that the victory of a New Zealander
+over a German proves the vitality of the dear old country.
+
+Or boxing. How can an ordinary mind retain the names of all the White
+Hopes or Black Despairs. At any moment some Terrible Magyar may wrest
+the bantam championship from us. You must learn to distinguish between
+WELLS, the reconstructor of the universe, and Knock-out WELLS. You
+must be acquainted with the doings and prospects of Dreadnought Brown
+and Mulekick Jones. You must know the F. E. Smithian repartees of JACK
+JOHNSON.
+
+Let us talk of golf. No, on second thoughts, let us notably refrain
+from talking about golf. Only if you don't know who defeated TRAVERS
+(_plus_ lumbago) and who eclipsed America's Bright Boy, you must hide
+your head in shame.
+
+We come to rowing. Once one could stay, "Ah, Leander," and with
+an easy shrug of the shoulders pass from the subject. But when
+international issues are involved, and the win of a Canadian or
+American or German crew may cause _The Daily Mail_ to declare (for the
+hundredth time) that England is played out, a man simply has to keep
+abreast of the results.
+
+There are a score of other things. Name for me, if you can, the
+Great American Four, the hydro-aeroplane champion, the M.P. champion
+pigeon-flyer, and the motor-bike hill-climbing champion.
+
+And the Olympic games are coming! Who are England's hopes in the
+discus-throwing and the fancy diving? What Britisher must we rely on
+in the javelin hop-skip-and-jump?
+
+Your brain reels at the prospect. We must decide to ignore all
+future championships. We must decline to be aggravated if a Japanese
+Badminton champion appears. We must cease to be interested if
+Britain's Hope beats the Horrible Peruvian at Tiddly-winks.
+
+There are three admirable reasons for this.
+
+The first is that we must play some games ourselves.
+
+The second, that, unless a check be put to championships, the
+Parliamentary news will be crowded out of the papers and we shall find
+ourselves in an unnatural state of peace and goodwill.
+
+The third, which one puts forward with diffidence, is that somebody,
+somewhere, somehow, sometime must do a little work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wife (with some sadness)._ "AH, WELL, HENRY, I SUPPOSE
+IT'S A BIT TOO LATE FOR YOU TO THINK OF THAT NOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  TO THE MEMORY
+  OF
+  JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN.
+
+  BORN 1836.                DIED JULY 2ND, 1914.
+
+  Ere warmth of Spring had stirred the wintry lands--
+    Spring that for him had no renewing breath--
+  He went apart to wait with folded hands
+        The lingering feet of Death.
+
+  Long had he laid his burnished armour by,
+    But still we flew his banner for a sign,
+  Still felt his spirit like a rallying-cry
+        Hearten the fighting line.
+
+  But he--ah, none could know the heavy strain,
+    Patiently to accept the watcher's part
+  While yet no weakness sapped the virile brain
+        Nor dulled the eager heart.
+
+  He should have died with all his harness on,
+    As those the Valkyr bore from out the fight,
+  In ringing mail that still unrusted shone,
+        Up to Valhalla's height.
+
+  Yet solace flowed from that surcease of strife:
+    Love found occasion in his need of care,
+  And time was ours to prove how dear the life
+        An Empire ill could spare.
+
+  And generous foes confessed the magic spell
+    Of greatness gone, that left the common store
+  Poor by his loss who loved his party well,
+        But loved his country more.
+
+  And ancient rivalries seemed very small
+    Beside that courage constant to the end;
+  And even Death, last enemy of all,
+        Came to him like a friend.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. JULY 2ND, 1914.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 6._--All heads were bared when the
+PRIME MINISTER rose to move adjournment of HOUSE in sign of sorrow at
+the passing way of a great Parliament man. To vast majority of present
+House JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN is a tradition. His personal presence, its
+commanding force, is varied and invariable attraction are unknown.
+Since his final re-election by faithful Birmingham, where, like the
+Shunamite woman, he dwelt among his own people loving and loved, he
+only once entered the House.
+
+It was a tragic scene, perhaps happily witnessed by few. Appointed
+business of sitting concluded and Members departed, a figure that once
+commanded attention of a listening Senate slowly entered from behind
+the SPEAKER'S chair. It was the senior Member for Birmingham come
+to take the oath. The action was indicative of his thoroughness and
+loyalty. No longer were oaths, rolls of Parliament and seats on either
+Front Bench matters of concern to him. His manifold task was done. His
+brilliant course was run. But, until he took the oath and signed the
+roll, he was not _de jure_ a Member of the House of Commons, and his
+vote might not be available by the Whips for a pair on a critical
+division.
+
+Accordingly here he was, moving haltingly with the aid of a stick,
+supported by the strong arm of the son whose maiden speech his old
+chief GLADSTONE years ago welcomed as "dear and refreshing to a
+father's heart." He took the oath and signed the roll--an historic
+page in a unique volume. With dimmed eyes he glanced round the
+familiar scene of hard fights and great triumphs, and went forth never
+to return.
+
+To-day he lived again in speeches delivered by the PRIME MINISTER, by
+the LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, and by the Cabinet colleague and leader
+to whom he was loyal to the last. The practice of delivering set
+eulogies to the memory of the departed great is the most difficult
+that falls to the lot of a Leader on either side of House of Commons.
+In some hands it has uncontrollable tendency to the artificiality
+and insipidity of funeral baked meats. DISRAELI was a failure on such
+occasions; GLADSTONE at his best. PRINCE ARTHUR, usually supreme, did
+not to-day reach his accustomed lofty level.
+
+In fineness of tone and exquisite felicity of phrasing, ASQUITH
+excelled himself. The first time the House of Commons caught a glimpse
+of profound depths of a nature habitually masked by impassive manner
+and curt speech was when he talked to it in broken voice about
+CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, just dead. Speaking this afternoon about one with
+whom, as he said, he "had exchanged many blows," he was even more
+impressive, not less by reason of the eloquence of his speech than by
+its simplicity and sincerity.
+
+_Business done._--In the House of Lords _le brave_ WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE
+was, if the phrase be Parliamentary, broken in the Division Lobby.
+Insisting on fighting the Home Rule Amending Bill to the last, he
+found himself supported by ten peers, a Liberal Ministry having for an
+important measure the majority, unparalleled in modern times, of 263.
+
+When figures were announced Lord CREWE, reminiscent of the farmer
+smacking his lips over a liqueur glass of old brandy, remarked to
+Viscount MORLEY, "I should like some more of that in a moog."
+
+_Tuesday._--Interesting episode preceded main business of sitting.
+Sort of rehearsal of meeting of Parliament on College Green. Opened
+by SHEEHAN rising from Bench partially filled by O'Brienites to move
+issue of new writ for North Galway. Had it been an English borough
+nothing particular would have happened. Writ would have been ordered
+as matter of course, and there an end on't.
+
+Things different on College Green. When SHEEHAN sat down, up gat
+Captain DONELAN from Redmondite camp, which when moved to Dublin will,
+by reason of numerical majority, be analogous to Ministerialists at
+Westminister. DONELAN remarked that in his capacity as Nationalist
+Whip he intended to move issue of writ next Monday. This fully
+explained why O'BRIEN'S young man moved it to-day. Otherwise cause of
+quarrel obscure. What they fought each other for dense mind of Saxon
+could not make out.
+
+Ambiguity partly due to DONELAN. Lacking the volubility common to his
+countrymen he had prepared heads of his speech jotted down on piece
+of notepaper. This so intricately folded that sequence of remarks
+occasionally suffered. Situation further complicated by accidental
+turning over of notes upside down. House grateful when presently TIM
+HEALY interposed. He being past-master of lucid statement, we should
+now know all about circumstances which apparently, to the temporary
+shouldering aside of Ulster, rocked Ireland to its centre.
+
+[Illustration: TIM BUONAPARTE.]
+
+Unfortunately TIM was embarrassed by attempt to assume a novel
+oratorical attitude. Usually he addresses House with studied
+carelessness of hands lightly clasped behind his back. Presumably in
+consideration of supreme national importance of the question whether
+SHEEHAN should move issue of writ to-day or DONELAN on Monday, he
+essayed a new attitude. It recalled NAPOLEON at Fontainebleau folding
+his arms majestically as he bade farewell to remnant of the Old Guard.
+
+Attempt, several times repeated, proved a failure. Somehow or other
+TIM'S arms would not adjust themselves to novel circumstances, and
+fell back into the old _laissez-faire_ position. Speech repeatedly
+interrupted on points of order by compatriots on back benches. What
+was clear was that some one had filed a petition in bankruptcy.
+Identity of delinquent not so clear.
+
+[Illustration: "Prospective first Speaker of a modern Irish
+Parliament."
+
+(Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL.)]
+
+However, as a foretaste of debate in Home Rule Parliament, proceedings
+interesting and instructive. Disposed of slanderous suggestions of
+disorder. Never, or hardly ever, was a more decorous debate. To
+it SWIFT MACNEILL, prospective first Speaker of a modern Irish
+Parliament, lent the dignity and authority of his patronage. Pretty
+to see him, as debate went forward, glancing aside at his
+wigged-and-gowned brother in the Chair, as who should say, "What do
+you think of this, Sir?"
+
+_Business done._--With assistance of Ministerial forces, O'Brienite
+motion for issue of writ for Galway defeated by Redmondite amendment
+to adjourn debate. WILLIAM O'BRIEN took swift revenge. House dividing
+on PREMIER'S motion allotting time for remaining stages of Budget
+Bill, he led his little flock into Opposition Lobby, assisting to
+reduce Ministerial majority to figure of 23. In this labour of love he
+found himself assisted by abstention of two groups of Ministerialists,
+one objecting to procedure on Finance Bill, the other thirsting for
+blood of the Ulster gun-runners.
+
+If PREMIER still hesitates about Autumn Session this incident should
+help him to make up his mind. The Government will be safer with its
+Members on the moors or the golf links than daily running the gauntlet
+at Westminster.
+
+_House of Lords, Thursday._--When noble lords take their legislative
+business seriously in hand they show the Commons a better way. Their
+dealing with the Amending Bill has been a model of businesslike
+procedure. Speeches uniformly brief because kept strictly to the
+point. Amendments carefully considered in council and moved from Front
+Opposition Bench were carried by large majorities.
+
+_Business done._--Home Rule Amending Bill turned inside out in two
+sittings. Own father wouldn't know it. SARK sums up situation by
+paraphrase of historic saying. "They have," he remarks, "made a new
+Bill and call it Peace."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EX-VICEREGAL BAG. (Earl CURZON.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.
+
+GREAT AMERICAN INVASION.
+
+The prospects of the forthcoming campaign in the East Worcestershire
+Division have been greatly brightened by the decision of the
+well-known sportsman, Mr. Otis Q. Janaway, to stand as an Independent
+Candidate with the express purpose of speeding-up the British
+Legislature. Mr. Janaway, who graduated in sociology at the University
+of Pensacola, and has recently been naturalised as a British subject,
+has brought with him a team of baseball players, four white and four
+coloured prize-fighters, and a chorus of variety artistes who will
+appear and sing at all his meetings. He is a powerful speaker with a
+great fund of anecdote, and his programme includes Compulsory Phonetic
+Spelling, the establishment of Christian Science, Electrocution, and
+the introduction of College Yells in Parliament. If her husband is
+elected, Mrs. Janaway has announced her intention of embracing the
+Speaker at the earliest opportunity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Professor Thaddeus Mulhooly, who was until recently President of the
+University of Tuskahoma, has taken up his residence at Ballybunnion
+with a view to qualifying as Parliamentary Candidate for North Kerry.
+Professor Mulhooly, whose grandparents resided at Tralee, has made
+a very favourable impression by the filial affection shown in his
+election war-cry, which runs, "Tralee, Trala, Tara Tarara, Tzing Boum
+Oshkosh." His platform is that of a Pan-Celtic Vegetarian, and he has
+secured the influential support of Mr. UPTON SINCLAIR, who is acting
+as his election agent, and who publicly embraced him at a meeting at
+Dingle last week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+General Amos Cadwalader Stunt, the well-known Colorado mining magnate,
+who recently purchased the Isle of Rum, has announced his intention
+of contesting the Elgin Burghs in the Liquid Paraffin interest. At a
+political meeting at Lossiemouth last week he held the attention of
+a crowded audience for upwards of an hour, during which his bodyguard
+serenaded him with mouth-organs and banjos, the interruptions of
+hecklers having been effectually discounted by a liberal distribution
+of chewing gum. At the close of this great effort General Stunt was
+publicly embraced by his wife's mother, Mrs. Titania Flagler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The by-election campaign at Hanley opened auspiciously on Thursday
+with a demonstration in favour of Mr. Cyrus P. Slocum, the eminent
+Pittsburg safety razor magnate, who has been selected by the
+Association of American Manufacturers in England to represent their
+interests at Westminster. Before Mr. Slocum rose the audience sang "My
+Country, 'tis of Thee" continuously for forty-five minutes and waved
+the Stars and Stripes for fully twenty minutes longer. Finally, the
+popular candidate was carried shoulder-high from the platform to
+his motor and smothered with kisses from his compatriots, the vast
+assemblage dispersing to the jocund strains of "John Brown's Body."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Great satisfaction is felt in American golfing circles at the
+announcement that Mr. Olonzo Jaggers has decided to contest the
+Tantallon Division of Haddingtonshire. Mr. Jaggers, who has recently
+erected a tasteful chalet on the Bass Rock, has just issued his
+election address. The two main planks of his platform are the
+legalising of the Schenectady putter for all golf meetings, and of
+megaphones and mouth-organs in the House of Commons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNTRUSTWORTHY WITNESS.
+
+_Mother._ "GERALD, A LITTLE BIRD HAS JUST TOLD ME THAT YOU HAVE BEEN A
+VERY NAUGHTY LITTLE BOY THIS AFTERNOON."
+
+_Gerald._ "DON'T YOU BELIEVE HIM, MUMMY. I'LL BET HE'S THE ONE THAT
+STEALS OUR RASPBERRIES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMANDA.
+
+  When the thunders are still and the tempests are furled
+  There are sights of all sorts in this wonderful world;
+  But the best of all sights in the season of hay
+  Is Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  She can toss it as other girls toss up a cap,
+  And her eyes have a glow that can dry the green sap;
+  She's as good as the sun's most beneficent ray,
+  Is Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  Oh, her smile is a treat and her frown is the deuce;
+  She can always say "hiss me" or "bo" to a goose;
+  When she gives you her hand she just melts you away,
+  Does Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  In a field of soft clover I marked her one night,
+  And her foot it was dainty, her step it was light,
+  And I laughed to myself to behold her so gay,
+  Miss Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  Then the sound of her voice from December to June
+  And from June to December is always a tune;
+  All the elves when they hear it stop short in their play
+  For Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  When she sits on her chair like a queen on her throne
+  She has beautiful manners entirely her own;
+  But you'd better take care what you venture to say
+  To Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+  P.S.--Since I managed to write the above
+  I've been round to her house and I've offered my love;
+  And she laughed and made jokes, but she didn't say nay,
+  My Amanda Volanda McKittrick O'Dea.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Easter this year the ladies gave their first public
+    performance by ringing a peal at a local wedding. The ladies
+    now ring regularly every week. Some idea of the work may be
+    gathered from the fact that the tenor bell weighs 11 cwt.,
+    and yet, through all the training, not even a stay has been
+    broken."--_Church Monthly._
+
+Our feminine readers would like to know the name of the bellringers'
+_corsetiere_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter to _The Daily Mail_:--
+
+    "One of our greatest poets was an apothecary's assistant, but
+    his 'Ode to a Skylark' is eternal."
+
+        Hail to thee, blithe SHELLEY!
+        KEATS thou never wert.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter to _The Market Mail_:--
+
+    "I enclose my card and remains.--Yours truly, VICTIM."
+
+We advise our contemporary to return the body.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INQUISITION.
+
+LETTER I.
+
+_Julius Pitherby, Esq., to myself._
+
+DEAR SIR,--Henry Anderson, who is an applicant for my temporarily
+vacant situation as working gardener, assistant hedger and ditcher and
+superintending odd man (single-handed), has referred me to you as
+to his character and qualifications, stating that he was in your
+employment--I gather some nine years ago--for a time. You will
+therefore, I trust, forgive me if I take the liberty of asking you to
+be good enough to answer the following questions concerning him and
+his wife. He calls himself twenty-five, married, with no family.
+
+(1) _Was_ he in your employment?
+
+(2) When?
+
+(3) Is he twenty-five?
+
+(4) Is he married?
+
+(5) Has he no family?
+
+(6) Is he _strictly_ sober? (These words are to be taken quite
+literally.)
+
+(7) His wife ditto?
+
+(8) Is he decent and morally respectable, careful in his habits and
+guarded in his language?
+
+(9) His wife ditto?
+
+(10) Is he honest and reliable?
+
+(11) His wife ditto, and _not one to answer back_?
+
+(12) Are they both used to the country, contented in their sphere,
+interested in rural surroundings, fond of children, fond of animals,
+fond of fruit?
+
+(13) Is he strong and healthy, neither shortsighted nor deaf? (I have
+suffered much from both.)
+
+(14) His wife ditto, _and always tidy_?
+
+(15) Does he stammer? (I have been greatly inconvenienced by this.)
+
+(16) His wife ditto?
+
+(17) Does he squint? (This has often been a trial to me.)
+
+(18) His wife ditto?
+
+(19) Is he active, industrious, enthusiastic and an early riser,
+good-natured, equable and obliging?
+
+(20) His wife ditto, and _no gossip_?
+
+(21) Is he a heavy smoker?
+
+(22) His wife ditto?
+
+(23) Is he well up to the culture of vegetables, the upraising of
+flowers and the education of fruit, both outside and under glass?
+
+(24) Is he capable of feeding hens, driving a motor, overhauling a
+pianola, carving or waiting at table if required?
+
+(25) To what Church do they belong? What are their favourite
+recreations? Do they sing in the choir? if so, is he tenor or
+baritone; his wife ditto?
+
+(26) Are they on good terms with each other, and _no domestic
+bickering_?
+
+(27) What wages did you pay him?
+
+(28) Why (on earth) did you part with him?
+
+An immediate answer will greatly oblige. I enclose an addressed
+envelope.
+
+I am, Your obedient Servant,
+
+JULIUS PITHERBY.
+
+
+LETTER II.
+
+_Myself to Julius Pitherby, Esq.,
+
+Manor Orange, Pimhaven._
+
+DEAR SIR,--I thank you for your letter. The answers to questions (1),
+(2), (25), (27) and (28) are in the affirmative. With regard to the
+others you have, no doubt unwittingly, put me in rather a dilemma. You
+see, Anderson left my service when he was sixteen and I have not heard
+of him since, though it is true that I did see his father (who belongs
+to this neighbourhood) on the roof of the church one day last month.
+I might make shots at them, of course, but I dare say it is better to
+leave it. I am interested to learn that Henry is married.
+
+I am,    Yours faithfully, &c.
+
+
+LETTER III.
+
+_Myself to Henry Anderson,
+c/o Ezekiel Anderson, Slater,
+Crashie, Howe._
+
+MY DEAR HENRY,--I do not think if I were you I should accept Mr.
+Julius Pitherby's offer of a job. Your marriage may, of course, have
+been--I hope it was--the occasion of your turning over a new leaf.
+Still, I doubt if you are quite the paragon he is looking for, and I
+am afraid that you may find him a little inquisitive.
+
+I am,    Yours faithfully, &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+THE POWER OF THE PRESS.
+
+Once upon a time there was a quiet respectable little
+spell-of-hot-weather, with no idea of being a nuisance or doing
+more than warm people up a bit, and make the summer really feel like
+summer, and add attraction to seaside resorts. Directly it reached our
+shores every one began to be happy; and they would have gone on being
+so but for the sub-editors, who cannot leave well alone but must be
+for ever finding adjectives for it and teasing it with attentions.
+Just then they were particularly free to turn their attentions to the
+kindly visitor, because there was no good murder at the moment, and no
+divorce case, and no spicy society scandal, and therefore their pages
+were in need of filling. And seeing the little spell-of-hot-weather
+they gave way to their passion for labelling everything with crisp
+terseness--or terse crispness (I forget which)--and called it a "heat
+wave," and straightway began to give it half the paper, and with huge
+headings such as, "THE HEAT-WAVE," "HEAT-WAVE STILL GROWING," "80 IN
+THE SHADE," "HOW TO SUPPORT SUCH WEATHER," so that the nice little
+spell-of-hot-weather was gradually goaded into the desire really to
+justify this excitement.
+
+"Very well," it said, "I never meant to be more than 80 in the shade
+and a pleasant interlude in the usual disappointing English June; but
+since they're determined I'm a nuisance I'll be one. I'll go up to
+84."
+
+And it did. It reached 84; and the wise people who like warmth
+said, "How splendid! If only it would go on like this for ever! Not
+hotter--just like this.".
+
+But the sub-editors were not satisfied. They had got hold of a good
+thing and they meant to run it for all it was worth. So "HOTTER THAN
+EVER" they sprawled across their papers, there still being nothing of
+real public interest to distract them, "HOTTER TOMORROW," "HEAT-WAVE
+GROWING," "TERRIBLE HEAT."
+
+And now the spell-of-hot-weather was stimulated to be really vicious.
+"I call Heaven to witness," it said, "that my sole desire was to be
+genial and beneficial. But what can one do when one is taunted and
+provoked, abused and nick-named like this? Very well then, I'll go up
+to 90!"
+
+And it did. The sub-editors were delighted. "APPALLING HEAT," they
+wrote, "TROPICAL ENGLAND," "GASPING LONDON," "HEAT-WAVE BREAKS ALL
+RECORDS," "HOTTEST DAY FOR FIFTY YEARS," "NO SIGNS OF RELIEF."
+
+And even the people who like warmth began to grumble a
+little--hypnotised by the Press. But the spell-of-hot-weather had had
+enough. "I'll go somewhere else, where I'm really welcome and they
+don't have contents bills," it said, and it crossed the Channel to
+Paris. It looked back to the English shores, deserted now by the happy
+paddlers and bathers and baskers of the days before. "I'm sorry to
+leave you," it said, "but don't blame me."
+
+Yet the public did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The downpour of rain, which lasted for an hour, was preceded
+    by a remarkable shower of hailstones, some of which were
+    almost as large as marbles, and were as hard as ice."
+
+    _Yorkshire Herald._
+
+And then came the rain, some drops of which were as wet as water.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The tussle between Mr. Matheson and Mr. Anderson was carried
+    to the 18th green, where the latter stood one."--_Daily
+    Record._
+
+"Mine's a gin and ginger," said Mr. MATHESON, as he holed the winning
+put.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CREATION OF A MASTERPIECE OF MILLINERY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GUARDED GREEN.
+
+[_It has been suggested that spectators at popular golf competitions
+should be installed in grand stands and other enclosures, and be
+restrained from wandering about the links._]
+
+
+In playing his tee shot from in front of the Green Steward's marquee,
+Mr. Tullbrown-Smith, who took the honour in the final round of the
+1916 Amateur Championship, unfortunately pulled his ball, with the
+result that, narrowly missing the Actors' Benevolent Fund stand, it
+entered the grand ducal box. The Grand Duke Raphael graciously decided
+that Mr. Tullbrown-Smith should be presented to His Imperial Highness
+before playing out. Pardonable nervousness proved fatal to the shot,
+which, being badly topped, fell into the Press pen, where it was
+photographed by _The Daily Mirror's_ special artist before it could be
+recovered by its owner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is interesting to record that along the straight mile boarded by
+the shilling enclosure Mr. Tanquery McBrail, who had been playing with
+marvellously decorative effect, had his ball blown into the bunker at
+the tenth by the laughter of the less well-informed onlookers, while a
+regrettable incident was the contribution of several empty ginger-beer
+bottles to the natural difficulties of the hazard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some dissatisfaction was expressed among the occupants of the cinema
+operators' cage. From the position allotted to them by the publicity
+committee it was impossible to film the most interesting moments in
+the Championship round, such as Mr. Tullbrown-Smith's acceptance of a
+peeled banana from his caddie on emerging from the particularly scenic
+bunker known as "Hell." Also a fine "picture" was missed at the
+13th tee, where Mr. Tanquery McBrail was surrounded by a militant
+suffragist, who had invaded the course in spite of the rabbit-wire and
+double _chevaux-de-frise_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Owing to the fact that the fashionable audience assembled in the
+Guards', Cavalry and Bath Club stands insisted upon encoring both
+players' wonderful putts at the 16th green, and the consequent delay
+of nearly ten minutes, there were some rather ugly manifestations of
+impatience in the cheaper seats. In spite of the fact that the Pale
+Pink Pierrots had been specially engaged to fill the interval before
+the finalists passed, they were so loudly booed upon their
+arrival that Mr. Tanquery McBrail put his mashie approach into the
+Parliamentary compound, amidst the jeers and hoots of the more
+unruly, who seemed to forget that the royal and ancient game is not a
+music-hall entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The fact that the links marshal had placed all the professional
+players present in one row of fauteuils, opposite the long carry to
+the 18th green, hardly seemed to further the interests of perfect
+golf. The warmest acknowledgments are therefore due to a number of
+ex-open champions, who kindly turned their backs on what proved one of
+the most distressing episodes in the day's play.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MARK OF DISTINCTION.
+
+When I passed our butcher's on my way to the station yesterday
+morning, I noticed outside his shop a placard prominently displayed,
+which read:--"Williamson's Spring Lamb. So different from the ordinary
+butchers."
+
+There was no apostrophe before the "s" in "butchers," so the reference
+was clearly to Williamson and not Williamson's Spring Lamb.
+
+"Is Williamson really different from his rivals?" I said to myself,
+crossing to the other side of the road to take a general survey of
+the shop front. No, the same sort of joints seemed to be hanging up as
+those in other butchers' windows; the same sort of legends attached to
+those which passers-by were invited to note particularly.
+
+I crossed the road again. Yes, as I feared. There were several
+ordinary flies and at least one bluebottle exercising themselves
+on the meat. The choice cutlets were not isolated or decorated with
+garlands, or made a fuss of in any way. They just fraternised on terms
+of equality with the rest. The usual "young lady" in a smart blouse,
+with her bare pink neck served up in a ham-frill, sat behind the
+usual window, probably trying to work out the usual sums in butcher's
+arithmetic.
+
+The top half of Mr. Williamson was visible behind his chopping-table.
+He saw me and touched his hat--a bowler; nothing very extraordinary
+about the bowler. The brim was certainly a great deal flatter than I
+like personally, but quite in keeping with the general tastes of those
+who purvey meat.
+
+I thought it better to postpone further investigations, and reflected
+that Honor might be able to enlighten me when I returned home that
+evening.
+
+"No," she said, when I asked her about it, "I haven't noticed anything
+exceptionally superior about him."
+
+"Bills any different?"
+
+"No," she said, "they take as long to pay; about as exorbitant as most
+of the others."
+
+"Have you observed anything peculiar about his manners, then?" I said;
+"does he ever throw chops at you, for instance, when you pass the
+shop?"
+
+"No such luck," said Honor; "I'm a good catch."
+
+"Perhaps they give you tea," I said, "when you make an afternoon call
+on the sirloins?"
+
+"Indeed they don't," said Honor, "not even when I go to pay something
+off the book."
+
+"Then perhaps you have cosy little auction bridge parties in the room
+behind the cashier's window? No? Butchers are behind the times."
+
+"There ought," said Honor, "to be a good joke to be made out of
+that--a newspaper joke; but I can't quite see how to make it just
+yet."
+
+"That's something to the good," I said. "However, to our muttons."
+
+"Rotten," said Honor.
+
+"What of his entourage?" I said, ignoring her comment; "his
+steak-bearer and the like?"
+
+"Nothing unusual; just _epris_ with Emily."
+
+"Then where, oh where," I said, "is this difference that Williamson
+brags about?"
+
+"I don't know," Honor said helplessly.
+
+"I shall find out," I said, "even if I have to do the housekeeping
+myself for a bit."
+
+"You can take it on," she said, "when you like."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Aha!" I said triumphantly, as I burst into the room this evening.
+"I've solved the Williamson problem. He was standing at his door as I
+passed just now, in all the regalia of his dread office."
+
+"And you went up to him and said, 'Well, what about it?' and pointed
+to the notice, I suppose."
+
+"Not at all," I said; "I merely looked at him and the scales fell from
+my eyes. He butches in spats."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In the open Golf Championship Treen won with 78."--_Monthly
+    Daily Chronicle._
+
+Next year it will be the saintly ANDREW'S turn again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "With lightning-like repetition of his strides (his quick
+    action is the essence of his speed), Applegarth came flying
+    down the home straight."--_Yorkshire Post._
+
+Seeing that we were looking to APPLEGARTH to uphold British prestige
+at the next Olympic games, we regret extremely that the secret of his
+speed should have been given away to our rivals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Counsel._ "PRISONER IS THE MAN YOU SAW COMMIT THE
+THEFT?"
+
+_Witness (a bookmaker)._ "YES, SIR."
+
+_Counsel._ "YOU SWEAR ON YOUR OATH THAT PRISONER IS THE MAN?"
+
+_Witness._ "YES, SIR."
+
+_Sporting Judge._ "ARE YOU PREPARED TO GIVE ME FIVE TO TWO ON THE
+PRISONER BEING THE MAN?"
+
+_Witness._ "AH, I'M SORRY, ME LORD, BUT I'M TAKING A HOLIDAY TO-DAY.
+NOTHING DOING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+ELLEN MELICENT COBDEN can certainly not be accused of writing too
+hurriedly. I don't know how many years it is since, as "MILES AMBER,"
+she captured my admiration with that wonderful first novel, _Wistons_;
+and now here is her second, _Sylvia Saxon_ (UNWIN), only just
+appearing. I may say at once that it entirely confirms my impression
+that she is a writer of very real and original gifts. _Sylvia Saxon_
+is not a pleasant book. It is hard, more than a little bitter, and
+deliberately unsympathetic in treatment. But it is grimly real.
+_Sylvia_ herself is a character that lives, and her mother, Rachel,
+almost eclipses her in this same quality of tragic vitality. The
+whole tale is a tragedy of empty and meaningless lives passed in
+an atmosphere of too much money and too little significance. The
+"society" of a Northern manufacturing plutocracy, the display and
+rivalry, the marriages between the enriched families, the absence of
+any standard except wealth--all these things are set down with
+the minute realism that must come, I am sure, of intimate personal
+knowledge. _Sylvia_ is the offspring of one such family, and mated to
+the decadent heir of another. Her tragedy is that too late she meets a
+man whom she supposes capable of giving her the fuller, more complete
+life for which she has always ignorantly yearned. Then there is
+_Anne_, the penniless girl, hired as a child to be a playfellow for
+_Sylvia_, who herself loves the same man, and dies when his
+dawning affection is ruthlessly swept away from her by the dominant
+personality of _Sylvia_. A tale, one might call it, of unhappy women;
+not made the less grim by the fact that the man for whom they fought
+is shown as wholly unworthy of such emotion. A powerful, disturbing
+and highly original story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SAKI" has been now for a number of years a great delight to me, and
+his last work, _Beasts and Super-Beasts_ (LANE), is as good as any
+of its predecessors. Clothed in the elegant garments of _Clovis_ or
+_Reginald_, Mr. MUNRO makes plain to us how lovely this world might be
+were we only a little bolder about our practical jokes. In the art
+of introducing bears into the boudoir of a countess or pigs into the
+study of a diplomat, and then clinching the matter with the wittiest
+of epigrams, _Clovis_ is supreme. He knows, too, an immense amount
+about the vengeance that children may take upon their relations,
+and ladies upon their lady friends. I like him especially when he
+manoeuvres some stupid but kind-hearted woman into a situation of
+whose peril she herself is only cloudily aware, while the reader knows
+all about it. That is the fun of the whole thing. The reader is for
+ever assisting _Clovis_ and _Reginald_; in the course of their daring
+adventures he connives from behind curtains, through key-holes, from
+ambushes in trees, and always, whilst the poor creature is being
+harried by wild boars or terrified by menacing kittens, _Clovis_ may
+be observed, with finger on lip, begging of the intelligent reader
+that he will not give things away. Of the present collection of
+stories I like best "A Touch of Realism," "The Byzantine Omelette,"
+"The Boar-Pig," and "The Dreamer;" but all are good, and I can only
+hope that it will not be too long before _Clovis_ once again invites
+us to further delightful conspiracies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Ars est celara artem_, and not to define and emphasise it in a
+foreword to the reader. The motive of _The Last Shot_ (CHAPMAN AND
+HALL) appears in due course in the narrative; I would have preferred
+to discover it gradually for myself rather than have the essence of
+it extracted and poured into me in advance. The preface has not the
+excuse of a mere advertisement; to open this book at any point is to
+read the whole, and every page is the strongest possible incentive
+to the reading of the others. If (as is not admitted) any personal
+explanation was necessary, it should have been put at the end and in
+small type so that those who, like myself, detest explanations might
+have avoided this one. I am the more severe about this, because
+there can be no two opinions as to Mr. FREDERICK PALMER'S success
+in achieving his purpose, which, obviously, was to conceive modern
+warfare as between two First-class Powers, fighting in the midst of
+civilisation, and to reduce it to terms of exact realism, showing the
+latest devices of destruction at work, but carefully excluding those
+improbable and impossible agencies which the more exuberant but less
+informed novelist loves to imagine and put in play. Mr. PALMER'S
+conception, though based upon some experience, is for the most
+part speculative, of course, but I am confident that he gives us an
+excellent idea of how the military machine would work in practice, how
+its human constituent parts would feel inwardly, and what physical and
+moral effects a battle would have upon those civilians who inhabited
+and owned the battlefield. Whether or no the future will prove the
+truth of the author's somewhat Utopian conclusions, he certainly
+founds them upon a most exciting and convincing story, in which the
+"love interest" is as powerful as could be desired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Would you like to pay a round of visits to some delightful Shropshire
+houses, as the friend and guest of a charming woman, who knows all
+about what is most interesting in all of them, and has a pleasantly
+chatty manner of telling it? Of course you would; so would anyone.
+That is why I predict another success for Lady CATHERINE MILNES
+GASKELL'S latest house-book, _Friends Round the Wrekin_ (SMITH,
+ELDER). Perhaps you have pleasant memories of her former volumes in
+the same kind; if so, I need say no more by way of introduction; but,
+if not, I must tell you that her new book is very fairly described,
+in the words of the publisher, as "a further collection of history and
+legend, garden lore and character study." What the publishers modestly
+refrain from mentioning is the real charm with which it has been
+written, a quality that makes all the difference. There are also
+photographs of a number of wholly fascinating houses (the kind that
+make me wistful when I see them in the auctioneers' windows), and the
+author has some personal anecdote or quaint scrap of legend to tell
+you about each. I am quite willing to admit that the rambling book
+has increased lately to an extent imperfectly justified by its average
+quality. Too many of them confuse rambling with drivelling. But for
+the reflections of a cultivated woman, one who has steeped herself in
+the lore of a country she evidently loves, and can transcribe it with
+such tender and persuasive charm, there should always be room. I may
+add--and your own tastes must decide whether this is a flaw or a fresh
+merit--that Lady CATHERINE'S sympathies, political and social, are
+undisguisedly with the past, and that the "Education of the People"
+comes in, upon almost every other page, for as shrewd raps as her
+gentle nature will allow her to administer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I wish I were Mr. JUSTUS MILES FORMAN. Because then, if I ever chanced
+to wake up suddenly and find that I had been drugged in my sleep,
+and the six immense rubies, brought here from the East by a far-off
+ancestor and set in a black agate shield above my bed, to represent
+the "six _gouttes_ (or drops) _gules_ on a field _sable_" of my
+immemorial coat-of-arms, had been rudely reaved from me in the night
+by my cousin, who had sent one each to his six sons, I should have no
+fear. I should feel perfectly convinced that in a short time, by my
+own personal exertions, but without exercising the least particle
+of intelligence, I should recover those six rubies (representing six
+_gouttes_ or drops _gules_) and replace them in the black agate
+shield (representing a field _sable_); and naturally enough, like the
+autobiographical hero of _The Six Rubies_ (representing----I beg
+your pardon, I mean, published by WARD, LOCK), I should not dream
+of calling in the aid of the police. Another jolly thing that would
+inspirit me would be the fact that each of my adventures in search of
+the missing jewels would conform to a separate and well-known type of
+magazine story: there would be one fire, one notorious cracksman, one
+haunted castle, one cabinet with a secret drawer, and so on. There
+would be plenty of excitement, plenty of hairbreadth escapes. But
+I think that, when collating my experiences and putting them into
+six-shilling form, I should delete some of the tautologous references
+to the past which are one of the stern necessities of serial
+publication. Otherwise my readers might begin to feel slightly
+fatigued by my six ancestral _gouttes_. They might even begin to feel
+that they did not much care if I had hereditary sciatica.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady (to Nut who has talked of joining the Nationalist
+Volunteers)._ "BUT YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY, SURELY, YOU'RE GOING TO
+FIGHT?"
+
+_Nut._ "WELL I RATHER THOUGHT OF PAIRING WITH ONE OF THE ULSTER
+FELLOWS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In addition to excellent port, which furnished many prominent
+    features, the attendance was perhaps the best ever seen on a
+    like occasion."--_Sportsman._
+
+The most prominent feature would, of course, be the nose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, July 15, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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