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+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of the Magic Pudding, by Norman Lindsay.
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Magic Pudding, by Norman Lindsay
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Magic Pudding
+
+Author: Norman Lindsay
+
+Release Date: November 26, 2007 [EBook #23625]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MAGIC PUDDING ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Shell, Janet Blenkinship and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+  <h1><i>The</i><br /><br />
+  MAGIC PUDDING</h1>
+
+  <h2><i>Written and Illustrated by</i><br /><br />
+  NORMAN LINDSAY</h2>
+
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width: 362px;">
+<img src="images/gs002.jpg" width="362" height="248" alt="" title="Title page illustration" />
+</div>
+
+
+ <p class="center"> DOVER PUBLICATIONS, INC.<br />
+  Mineola, New York<br /><br />
+
+
+<i>Bibliographical Note</i><br /><br />
+
+This Dover edition, first published in 2006, is an unabridged<br />
+republication of the work published by Angus and Robertson, Ltd.,<br />
+Sydney, Australia, in 1918.<br /><br />
+
+<i>International Standard Book Number: 0-486-45281-6</i><br /><br />
+
+
+  Manufactured in the United States of America<br />
+  Dover Publications, Inc., 31 East 2nd Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501</p>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="toc" id="toc"></a>CONTENTS</h3>
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="CONTENTS">
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#First_Slice">First Slice</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#Second_Slice">Second Slice</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#Third_Slice">Third Slice</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#Fourth_Slice">Fourth Slice</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><span class="totoc"><a href="#toc">Contents</a></span><a name="First_Slice" id="First_Slice"></a>First Slice</h2>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 530px;">
+<img src="images/gs004.jpg" width="530" height="550" alt="" title="This is a frontways view of Bunyip Bluegum and his Uncle Wattleberry." />
+</div>
+
+<p>This is a frontways view of Bunyip Bluegum and his Uncle Wattleberry. At
+a glance you can see what a fine, round, splendid fellow Bunyip Bluegum
+is, without me telling you. At a second glance you can see that the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>Uncle is more square than round, and that his face has whiskers on it.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/gs005.jpg" width="400" height="332" alt="" title="Looked at sideways" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Looked at sideways you can still see what a splendid fellow Bunyip is,
+though you can only see one of his Uncle's whiskers.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/gs005b.jpg" width="400" height="326" alt="" title="Observed from behind" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Observed from behind, however, you completely lose sight of the
+whiskers, and so fail to realize how immensely important they are. In
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span>fact, these very whiskers were the chief cause of Bunyip's leaving home
+to see the world, for, as he often said to himself&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Whiskers alone are bad enough<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Attached to faces coarse and rough;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But how much greater their offence is<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When stuck on Uncles' countenances.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 433px;">
+<img src="images/gs006.jpg" width="433" height="500" alt="" title="Bunyip and his Uncle lived in a small house" />
+</div>
+
+<p>The plain truth was that Bunyip and his Uncle lived in a small house in
+a tree, and there was no room for the whiskers. What was worse, the
+whiskers were red, and they blew about in the wind, and Uncle
+Wattleberry would insist on bringing them to the dinner table with him,
+where they got in the soup.</p>
+
+<p>Bunyip Bluegum was a tidy bear, and he objected to whisker soup, so he
+was forced to eat his meals outside, which was awkward, and besides,
+lizards came and borrowed his soup.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/gs007.jpg" width="400" height="340" alt="" title="His Uncle refused to listen" />
+</div>
+
+
+<p>His Uncle refused to listen to reason on the subject of his whiskers. It
+was quite useless giving him hints, such as presents of razors, and
+scissors, and boxes of matches to burn them off. On such occasions he
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>would remark&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 467px;">
+<img src="images/gs008.jpg" width="467" height="500" alt="" title="Shaving may add an air" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Shaving may add an air that's somewhat brisker,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For dignity, commend me to the whisker.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Or, when more deeply moved, he would exclaim&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'As noble thoughts the inward being grace,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So noble whiskers dignify the face.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Prayers and entreaties to remove the whiskers being of no avail, Bunyip
+decided to leave home without more ado.</p>
+
+<p>The trouble was that he couldn't make up his mind whether to be a
+Traveller or a Swagman. You can't go about the world being nothing, but
+if you are a traveller you have to carry a bag, while if you are a
+swagman you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> have to carry a swag, and the question is: Which is the
+heavier?</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs009.jpg" width="500" height="455" alt="" title="put the matter before Egbert Rumpus Bumpus" />
+</div>
+
+
+<p>At length he decided to put the matter before Egbert Rumpus Bumpus, the
+poet, and ask his advice. He found Egbert busy writing poems on a slate.
+He was so busy that he only had time to sing out&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Don't interrupt the poet, friend,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Until his poem's at an end.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and went on writing harder than ever. He wrote all down one side of the
+slate and all up the other, and then remarked&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'As there's no time to finish that,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The time has come to have our chat.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Be quick, my friend, your business state,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Before I take another slate.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs010.jpg" width="500" height="436" alt="" title="The fact is" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'The fact is,' said the Bunyip, 'I have decided to see the world, and I
+cannot make up my mind whether to be a Traveller or a Swagman. Which
+would you advise?'</p>
+
+<p>Then said the Poet&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'As you've no bags it's plain to see<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A traveller you cannot be;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And as a swag you haven't either<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You cannot be a swagman neither.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For travellers must carry bags,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And swagmen have to hump their swags<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Like bottle-ohs or ragmen.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As you have neither swag nor bag<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You must remain a simple wag,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And not a swag- or bagman.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 432px;">
+<img src="images/gs011.jpg" width="432" height="500" alt="" title="&#39;Dear me,&#39; said Bunyip Bluegum" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Dear me,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'I never thought of that. What must I do
+in order to see the world without carrying swags or bags?'</p>
+
+<p>The Poet thought deeply, put on his eyeglass, and said impressively&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Take my advice, don't carry bags,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For bags are just as bad as swags;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They're never made to measure.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To see the world, your simple trick<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is but to take a walking-stick<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Assume an air of pleasure,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And tell the people near and far<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You stroll about because you are<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A Gentleman of Leisure.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 480px;">
+<img src="images/gs012.jpg" width="480" height="367" alt="" title="A Gentleman of Leisure" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'You have solved the problem,' said Bunyip Bluegum, and, wringing his
+friend's hand, he ran straight home, took his Uncle's walking-stick, and
+assuming an air of pleasure, set off to see the world.</p>
+
+<p>He found a great many things to see, such as dandelions, and ants, and
+traction engines, and bolting horses, and furniture being removed,
+besides being kept busy raising his hat, and passing the time of day
+with people on the road, for he was a very well-bred young fellow,
+polite in his manners, graceful in his attitudes, and able to converse
+on a great variety of subjects, having read all the best Australian
+poets.</p>
+
+<p>Unfortunately, in the hurry of leaving home, he had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> forgotten to
+provide himself with food, and at lunch time found himself attacked by
+the pangs of hunger.</p>
+
+<p>'Dear me,' he said, 'I feel quite faint. I had no idea that one's
+stomach was so important. I have everything I require, except food; but
+without food everything is rather less than nothing.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'I've got a stick to walk with.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've got a mind to think with.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've got a voice to talk with.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've got an eye to wink with.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've lots of teeth to eat with,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A brand new hat to bow with,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A pair of fists to beat with,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A rage to have a row with.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No joy it brings<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To have indeed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A lot of things<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">One does not need.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Observe my doleful plight.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For here am I without a crumb<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To satisfy a raging tum&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O what an oversight!'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>As he was indulging in these melancholy reflexions he came round a bend
+in the road, and discovered two people in the very act of having lunch.
+These people were none other than Bill Barnacle, the sailor, and his
+friend, Sam Sawnoff, the penguin bold.</p>
+
+<p>Bill was a small man with a large hat, a beard half as large as his hat,
+and feet half as large as his beard. Sam Sawnoff's feet were sitting
+down and his body was standing up, because his feet were so short and
+his body so long that he had to do both together. They had a pudding in
+a basin, and the smell that arose from it was so delightful that Bunyip
+Bluegum was quite unable to pass on.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 380px;">
+<img src="images/gs014.jpg" width="380" height="500" alt="" title="he said, raising his hat" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Excuse me,' he said, raising his hat, 'but am I right in supposing that
+this is a steak-and-kidney pudding?'</p>
+
+<p>'At present it is,' said Bill Barnacle.</p>
+
+<p>'It smells delightful,' said Bunyip Bluegum.</p>
+
+<p>'It is delightful,' said Bill, eating a large mouthful.</p>
+
+<p>Bunyip Bluegum was too much of a gentleman to invite himself to lunch,
+but he said carelessly, 'Am I right in supposing that there are onions
+in this pudding?'</p>
+
+<p>Before Bill could reply, a thick, angry voice came out of the pudding,
+saying<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Onions, bunions, corns and crabs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whiskers, wheels and hansom cabs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Beef and bottles, beer and bones,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Give him a feed and end his groans.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'Albert, Albert,' said Bill to the Puddin', 'where's your manners?'</p>
+
+<p>'Where's yours?' said the Puddin' rudely, 'guzzling away there, and
+never so much as offering this stranger a slice.'</p>
+
+<p>'There you are,' said Bill. 'There's nothing this Puddin' enjoys more
+than offering slices of himself to strangers.'</p>
+
+<p>'How very polite of him,' said Bunyip, but the Puddin' replied loudly&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Politeness be sugared, politeness be hanged,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Politeness be jumbled and tumbled and banged.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's simply a matter of putting on pace,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Politeness has nothing to do with the case.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs015.jpg" width="500" height="303" alt="" title="&#39;How very polite of him,&#39;" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Always anxious to be eaten,' said Bill, 'that's this Puddin's mania.
+Well, to oblige him, I ask you to join us at lunch.'</p>
+
+<p>'Delighted, I'm sure,' said Bunyip, seating himself. 'There's nothing I
+enjoy more than a good go in at steak-and-kidney pudding in the open
+air.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well said,' remarked Sam Sawnoff, patting him on the back. 'Hearty
+eaters are always welcome.'</p>
+
+<p>'You'll enjoy this Puddin',' said Bill, handing him a large slice. 'This
+is a very rare Puddin'.'</p>
+
+<p>'It's a cut-an'-come-again Puddin',' said Sam.</p>
+
+<p>'It's a Christmas, steak, and apple-dumpling Puddin',' said Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'It's a&mdash;Shall I tell him?' he asked, looking at Bill. Bill nodded, and
+the Penguin leaned across to Bunyip Bluegum and said in a low voice,
+'It's a Magic Puddin'.'</p>
+
+<p>'No whispering,' shouted the Puddin' angrily. 'Speak up. Don't strain a
+Puddin's ears at the meal table.'</p>
+
+<p>'No harm intended, Albert,' said Sam, 'I was merely remarking how well
+the crops are looking. Call him Albert when addressing him,' he added to
+Bunyip Bluegum. 'It soothes him.'</p>
+
+<p>'I am delighted to make your acquaintance, Albert,' said Bunyip.</p>
+
+<p>'No soft soap from total strangers,' said the Puddin', rudely.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't take no notice of him, mate,' said Bill. 'That's only his rough
+and ready way. What this Puddin' requires is politeness and constant
+eatin'.'</p>
+
+<p>They had a delightful meal, eating as much as possible, for whenever
+they stopped eating the Puddin' sang out&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Eat away, chew away, munch and bolt and guzzle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Never leave the table till you're full up to the muzzle.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs017.jpg" width="500" height="322" alt="" title="But at length they had to stop" />
+</div>
+
+<p>But at length they had to stop, in spite of these encouraging remarks,
+and, as they refused to eat any more, the Puddin' got out of his basin,
+remarking&mdash;'If you won't eat any more here's giving you a run for the
+sake of exercise', and he set off so swiftly on a pair of extremely thin
+legs that Bill had to run like an antelope to catch him up.</p>
+
+<p>'My word,' said Bill, when the Puddin' was brought back. 'You have to be
+as smart as paint to keep this Puddin' in order. He's that artful,
+lawyers couldn't manage him. Put your hat on, Albert, like a little
+gentleman,' he added, placing the basin on his head. He took the
+Puddin's hand, Sam took the other, and they all set off along the road.
+A peculiar thing about the Puddin' was that, though they had all had a
+great many slices off him, there was no sign of the place whence the
+slices had been cut.</p>
+
+<p>'That's where the Magic comes in,' explained Bill. 'The more you eats
+the more you gets. Cut-an'-come-again is his name, an' cut, an' come
+again, is his nature.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> Me an' Sam has been eatin' away at this Puddin'
+for years, and there's not a mark on him. Perhaps,' he added, 'you would
+like to hear how we came to own this remarkable Puddin'.'</p>
+
+<p>'Nothing would please me more,' said Bunyip Bluegum.</p>
+
+<p>'In that case,' said Bill, 'let her go for a song.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs018.jpg" width="500" height="395" alt="" title="&#39;let her go for a song.&#39;" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Ho, the cook of the <i>Saucy Sausage</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Was a feller called Curry and Rice,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A son of a gun as fat as a tun<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With a face as round as a hot-cross bun,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Or a barrel, to be precise.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'One winter's morn we rounds the Horn,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A-rollin' homeward bound.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We strikes on the ice, goes down in a trice,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And all on board but Curry and Rice<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And me an' Sam is drowned.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 474px;">
+<img src="images/gs019.jpg" width="474" height="550" alt="" title="We climbs on a lump of ice" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'For Sam an' me an' the cook, yer see,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We climbs on a lump of ice,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And there in the sleet we suffered a treat<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For several months from frozen feet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With nothin' at all but ice to eat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And ice does not suffice.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'And Sam and me we couldn't agree<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With the cook at any price.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We was both as thin as a piece of tin<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While that there cook was busting his skin<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On nothin' to eat but ice.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;">
+<img src="images/gs020.jpg" width="350" height="347" alt="" title="While that there cook was busting his skin" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Says Sam to me, "It's a mystery<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">More deep than words can utter;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whatever we do, here's me an' you,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Us both as thin as Irish stoo,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">While he's as fat as butter."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'But late one night we wakes in fright<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To see by a pale blue flare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That cook has got in a phantom pot<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A big plum-duff an' a rump-steak hot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the guzzlin' wizard is eatin' the lot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On top of the iceberg bare.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'There's a verse left out here,' said Bill, stopping the song, 'owin' to
+the difficulty of explainin' exactly what happened, when me and Sam
+discovered the deceitful nature of that cook. The next verse is as
+follows&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Now Sam an' me can never agree<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">What happened to Curry and Rice.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The whole affair is shrouded in doubt,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the night was dark and the flare went out,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And all we heard was a startled shout,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Though I think meself, in the subsequent rout,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That us bein' thin, an' him bein' stout,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the middle of pushin' an' shovin' about,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He&mdash;<span class="smcap">MUST HAVE FELL OFF THE ICE</span>.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<p>'That won't do, you know,' began the Puddin', but Sam said hurriedly,
+'It was very dark, and there's no sayin' at this date what happened.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes there is,' said the Puddin', 'for I had my eye on the whole affair,
+and it's my belief that if he hadn't been so round you'd have never
+rolled him off the iceberg, for you was both singin' out "Yo heave Ho"
+for half an hour, an' him trying to hold on to Bill's beard.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs021full.jpg" width="500" height="428" alt="" title="trying to hold on to Bill&#39;s beard" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'In the haste of the moment,' said Bill, 'he may have got a bit of a
+shove, for the ice bein' slippy, and us bein' justly enraged, and him
+bein' as round as a barrel, he may, as I said, have been too fat to save
+himself from rollin' off the iceberg. The point, however, is immaterial
+to our story, which concerns this Puddin'; and this Puddin',' said Bill
+patting him on the basin, 'was the very Puddin' that Curry and Rice
+invented on the iceberg.'</p>
+
+<p>'He must have been a very clever cook,' said Bunyip.</p>
+
+<p>'He was, poor feller, he was,' said Bill, greatly affected. 'For plum
+duff or Irish stoo there wasn't his equal in the land. But enough of
+these sad subjects. Pausin' only to explain that me an' Sam got off the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>
+iceberg on a homeward bound chicken coop, landed on Tierra del Fuego,
+walked to Valparaiso, and so got home, I will proceed to enliven the
+occasion with "The Ballad of the Bo'sun's Bride".'</p>
+
+<p>And without more ado, Bill, who had one of those beef-and-thunder
+voices, roared out&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Ho, aboard the <i>Salt Junk Sarah</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We was rollin' homeward bound,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When the bo'sun's bride fell over the side<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And very near got drowned.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Rollin' home, rollin' home,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Rollin' home across the foam,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">She had to swim to save her glim<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And catch us rollin' home.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>It was a very long song, so the rest of it is left out here, but there
+was a great deal of rolling and roaring in it, and they all joined in
+the chorus. They were all singing away at the top of their pipe, as Bill
+called it, when round a bend in the road they came on two low-looking
+persons hiding behind a tree. One was a Possum, with one of those sharp,
+snooting, snouting sort of faces, and the other was a bulbous,
+boozy-looking Wombat in an old long-tailed coat, and a hat that marked
+him down as a man you couldn't trust in the fowlyard. They were busy
+sharpening up a carving knife on a portable grind-stone, but the moment
+they caught sight of the travellers the Possum whipped the knife behind
+him and the Wombat put his hat over the grindstone.</p>
+
+<p>Bill Barnacle flew into a passion at these signs of treachery.</p>
+
+<p>'I see you there,' he shouted.</p>
+
+<p>'You can't see all of us,' shouted the Possum, and the Wombat added,
+''Cause why, some of us is behind the tree.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs023.jpg" width="500" height="415" alt="" title="Bill led the others aside" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Bill led the others aside, in order to hold a consultation.</p>
+
+<p>'What on earth's to be done?' he said.</p>
+
+<p>'We shall have to fight them, as usual,' said Sam.</p>
+
+<p>'Why do you have to fight them?' asked Bunyip Bluegum.</p>
+
+<p>'Because they're after our Puddin',' said Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'They're after our Puddin',' explained Sam, 'because they're
+professional puddin'-thieves.'</p>
+
+<p>'And as we're perfessional Puddin'-owners,' said Bill, 'we have to fight
+them on principle. The fighting,' he added, 'is a mere flea-bite, as the
+sayin' goes. The trouble is, what's to be done with the Puddin'?'</p>
+
+<p>'While you do the fighting,' said Bunyip bravely, 'I shall mind the
+Puddin'.'</p>
+
+
+
+<p>'The trouble is,' said Bill, 'that this is a very secret,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> crafty
+Puddin', an' if you wasn't up to his game he'd be askin' you to look at
+a spider an' then run away while your back is turned.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 404px;">
+<img src="images/gs024.jpg" width="404" height="500" alt="" title="then run away while your back is turned" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'That's right,' said the Puddin', gloomily. 'Take a Puddin's character
+away. Don't mind his feelings.'</p>
+
+
+
+<p>'We don't mind your feelin's, Albert,' said Bill. 'What we minds is your
+treacherous 'abits.' But Bunyip<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> Bluegum said, 'Why not turn him
+upside-down and sit on him?'</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs025.jpg" width="500" height="408" alt="" title="&#39;What a brutal suggestion,&#39;" />
+</div>
+
+
+<p>'What a brutal suggestion,' said the Puddin'; but no notice was taken of
+his objections, and as soon as he was turned safely upside-down, Bill
+and Sam ran straight at the puddin'-thieves and commenced sparring up at
+them with the greatest activity.</p>
+
+<p>'Put 'em up, ye puddin'-snatchers,' shouted Bill. 'Don't keep us
+sparrin' up here all day. Come out an' take your gruel while you've got
+the chance.'</p>
+
+<p>The Possum wished to turn the matter off by saying, 'I see the price of
+eggs has gone up again', but Bill gave him a punch on the snout that
+bent it like a carrot, and Sam caught the Wombat such a flip with his
+flapper that he gave in at once.</p>
+
+<p>'I shan't be able to fight any more this afternoon,' said the Wombat,
+'as I've got sore feet.' The Possum<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> said hurriedly, 'We shall be late
+for that appointment', and they took their grindstone and off they went.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs026.jpg" width="500" height="377" alt="" title="You&#39;ll repent bending a man&#39;s snout" />
+</div>
+
+<p>But when they were a safe distance away the Possum sang out: 'You'll
+repent this conduct. You'll repent bending a man's snout so that he can
+hardly see over it, let alone breathe through it with comfort', and the
+Wombat added, 'For shame, flapping a man with sore feet.'</p>
+
+<p>'We laugh with scorn at threats,' said Bill, and he added as a warning&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'I don't repent a snout that's bent,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And if again I tap it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh, with a clout I'll bend that snout<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With force enough to snap it.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and Sam added for the Wombat's benefit&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'I take no shame to fight the lame<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When they deserve to cop it.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So do not try to pipe your eye,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or with my flip I'll flop it.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></div></div>
+
+
+<p>The puddin'-thieves disappeared over the hill and, as the evening
+happened to come down rather suddenly at that moment, Bill said,
+'Business bein' over for the day, now's the time to set about makin' the
+camp fire.'</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs027.jpg" width="500" height="453" alt="" title="The puddin&#39;-thieves disappeared over the hill" />
+</div>
+
+<p>This was a welcome suggestion, for, as all travellers know, if you don't
+sit by a camp fire in the evening, you have to sit by nothing in the
+dark, which is a most unsociable way of spending your time. They found a
+comfortable nook under the hedge, where there were plenty of dry leaves
+to rest on, and there they built a fire, and put the billy on, and made
+tea. The tea and sugar and three tin cups and half a pound of mixed
+biscuits were brought out of the bag by Sam, while Bill cut slices of
+steak-and-kidney from the Puddin'. After that they had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> boiled jam-roll
+and apple-dumpling, as the fancy took them, for if you wanted a change
+of food from the Puddin', all you had to do was to whistle twice and
+turn the basin round.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs028.jpg" width="500" height="415" alt="" title="After they had eaten" />
+</div>
+
+<p>After they had eaten as much as they wanted, the things were put away in
+the bag, and they settled down comfortably for the evening.</p>
+
+<p>'This is what I call grand,' said Bill, cutting up his tobacco.
+'Full-and-plenty to eat, pipes goin' and the evenin's enjoyment before
+us. Tune up on the mouth-organ, Sam, an' off she goes with a song.'</p>
+
+<p>They had a mouth-organ in the bag which they took turns at playing, and
+Bill led off with a song which he said was called&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 299px;">
+<img src="images/gs029.jpg" width="299" height="400" alt="" title="SPANISH GOLD" />
+</div>
+
+
+<h4>SPANISH GOLD</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'When I was young I used to hold<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I'd run away to sea,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And be a Pirate brave and bold<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On the coast of Caribbee.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'For I sez to meself, "I'll fill me hold<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With Spanish silver and Spanish gold,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And out of every ship I sink<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'll collar the best of food and drink.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'"For Caribbee, or Barbaree,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or the shores of South Amerikee<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are all the same to a Pirate bold,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whose thoughts are fixed on Spanish gold."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'So one fine day I runs away<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A Pirate for to be;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But I found there was never a Pirate left<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On the coast of Caribbee.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'For Pirates go, but their next of kin<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are Merchant Captains, hard as sin,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And Merchant Mates as hard as nails<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Aboard of every ship that sails.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'And I worked aloft and I worked below,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I worked wherever I had to go,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the winds blew hard and the winds blew cold,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And I sez to meself as the ship she rolled,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'"O Caribbee! O Barbaree!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O shores of South Amerikee!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O, never go there: if the truth be told,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You'll get more kicks than Spanish gold."'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs030.jpg" width="500" height="396" alt="" title="It&#39;s a hard life, the sea" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'And that's the truth, mate,' said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum. 'There ain't
+no pirates nowadays at sea, except western ocean First Mates, and many's
+the bootin' I've had for not takin' in the slack of the topsail halyards
+fast enough to suit their fancy. It's a hard life, the sea, and Sam
+here'll bear me out when I say that bein' hit on the head with a
+belayin' pin while tryin' to pick up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> the weather earing is an
+experience that no man wants twice. But toon up, and a song all round.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs031.jpg" width="500" height="327" alt="" title="&#39;I shall sing you the &quot;Penguin Bold&quot;" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'I shall sing you the "Penguin Bold",' said Sam, and, striking a
+graceful attitude, he sang this song&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'To see the penguin out at sea,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And watch how he behaves,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Would prove that penguins cannot be<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And never shall be slaves.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You haven't got a notion<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How penguins brave the ocean<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And laugh with scorn at waves.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'To see the penguin at his ease<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Performing fearful larks<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With stingarees of all degrees,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As well as whales and sharks;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The sight would quickly let you know<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The great contempt that penguins show<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For stingarees and sharks.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 407px;">
+<img src="images/gs032.jpg" width="407" height="500" alt="" title="&#39;O see the penguin as he goes" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'O see the penguin as he goes<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A-turning Catherine wheels,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Without repose upon the nose<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of walruses and seals.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But bless your heart, a penguin feels<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Supreme contempt for foolish seals,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">While he never fails, where'er he goes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To turn back-flaps on a walrus nose.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<p>'It's all very fine,' said the Puddin' gloomily, 'singing about the joys
+of being penguins and pirates, but how'd you like to be a Puddin' and be
+eaten all day long?'</p>
+
+<p>And in a very gruff voice he sang as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'O, who would be a puddin',<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A puddin' in a pot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A puddin' which is stood on<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A fire which is hot?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O sad indeed the lot<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of puddin's in a pot.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'I wouldn't be a puddin'<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">If I could be a bird,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If I could be a wooden<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Doll, I would'n say a word.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yes, I have often heard<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's grand to be a bird.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'But as I am a puddin',<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A puddin' in a pot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I hope you get the stomach ache<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For eatin' me a lot.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I hope you get it hot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You puddin'-eatin' lot!'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'Very well sung, Albert,' said Bill encouragingly, 'though you're a
+trifle husky in your undertones, which is no doubt due to the gravy in
+your innards. However, as a reward for bein' a bright little feller we
+shall have a slice of you all round before turnin' in for the night.'</p>
+
+<p>So they whistled up the plum-duff side of the Puddin', and had supper.
+When that was done, Bill stood up and made a speech to Bunyip Bluegum.</p>
+
+<p>'I am now about to put before you an important proposal,' said Bill.
+'Here you are, a young intelligent feller, goin' about seein' the world
+by yourself. Here is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> Sam an' me, two as fine fellers as ever walked,
+goin' about the world with a Puddin'. My proposal to you is&mdash;Join us,
+and become a member of the Noble Society of Puddin'-owners. The duties
+of the Society,' went on Bill, 'are light. The members are required to
+wander along the roads, indulgin' in conversation, song and story,
+eatin' at regular intervals at the Puddin'. And now, what's your
+answer?'</p>
+
+<p>'My answer,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'is, Done with you.' And, shaking
+hands warmly all round, they loudly sang&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<h4>THE PUDDIN'-OWNERS' ANTHEM</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The solemn word is plighted,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The solemn tale is told,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We swear to stand united,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Three puddin'-owners bold.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'When we with rage assemble,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Let puddin'-snatchers groan;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let puddin'-burglars tremble,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They'll ne'er our puddin' own.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Hurrah for puddin'-owning,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Hurrah for Friendship's hand,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The puddin'-thieves are groaning<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To see our noble band.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Hurrah, we'll stick together,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And always bear in mind<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To eat our puddin' gallantly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Whenever we're inclined.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs035.jpg" width="500" height="432" alt="" title="they shook hands once more" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Having given three rousing cheers, they shook hands once more and turned
+in for the night. After such a busy day, walking, talking, fighting,
+singing, and eating puddin', they were all asleep in a pig's whisper.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><span class="totoc"><a href="#toc">Contents</a></span><a name="Second_Slice" id="Second_Slice"></a>Second Slice</h2>
+
+
+<p>The Society of Puddin'-owners were up bright and early next morning, and
+had the billy on and tea made before six o'clock, which is the best part
+of the day, because the world has just had his face washed, and the air
+smells like Pears' soap.</p>
+
+<p>'Aha,' said Bill Barnacle, cutting up slices of the Puddin', 'this is
+what I call grand. Here we are, after a splendid night's sleep on dry
+leaves, havin' a smokin' hot slice of steak-and-kidney for breakfast
+round the camp fire. What could be more delightful?'</p>
+
+<p>'What indeed?' said Bunyip Bluegum sipping tea.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, as I always say,' said Bill, 'if there's one thing more entrancin'
+than sittin' round a camp fire in the evenin' it's sitting round a camp
+fire in the mornin'. No bed and blankets and breakfast tables for Bill
+Barnacle. For as I says in my "Breakfast Ballad"&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'If there's anythin' better than lyin' on leaves,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It's risin' from leaves at dawnin',<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If there's anythin' better than sleepin' at eve,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It's wakin' up in the mawnin'.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'If there's anythin' better than camp firelight,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It's bright sunshine on wakin'.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If there's anythin' better than puddin' at night,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It's puddin' when day is breakin'.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'If there's anythin' better than singin' away<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">While the stars are gaily shinin',<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why, it's singin' a song at dawn of day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On puddin' for breakfast dinin'.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs037.jpg" width="500" height="402" alt="" title="There was a hearty round of applause" />
+</div>
+
+<p>There was a hearty round of applause at this song, for as Bunyip Bluegum
+remarked, 'Singing at breakfast should certainly be more commonly
+indulged in, as it greatly tends to enliven what is on most occasions a
+somewhat dull proceeding.'</p>
+
+<p>'One of the great advantages of being a professional Puddin'-owner,'
+said Sam Sawnoff, 'is that songs at breakfast are always encouraged.
+None of the ordinary breakfast rules, such as scowling while eating, and
+saying the porridge is as stiff as glue and the eggs are as tough as
+leather, are observed. Instead, songs, roars of laughter, and boisterous
+jests are the order of the day. For example, this sort of thing,' added
+Sam, doing a rapid back-flap and landing with a thump on Bill's head. As
+Bill was unprepared for this act of boisterous humour, his face was
+pushed into the Puddin' with great violence, and the gravy was splashed
+in his eye.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs038.jpg" width="500" height="374" alt="" title="playin&#39; such bungfoodlin&#39; tricks on a man" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'What d'yer mean, playin' such bungfoodlin' tricks on a man at
+breakfast?' roared Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'What d'yer mean,' shouted the Puddin', 'playing such foodbungling
+tricks on a Puddin' being breakfasted at?'</p>
+
+<p>'Breakfast humour, Bill, merely breakfast humour,' said Sam hastily.</p>
+
+<p>'Humour's humour,' shouted Bill, 'but puddin' in the whiskers is no
+joke.'</p>
+
+<p>'Whiskers in the Puddin' is worse than puddin' in the whiskers,' shouted
+the Puddin', standing up in his basin.</p>
+
+<p>'Observe the rules, Bill,' said Sam hurriedly. 'Boisterous humour at the
+breakfast table must be greeted with roars of laughter.'</p>
+
+<p>'To Jeredelum with the rules,' shouted Bill. 'Pushing a man's face into
+his own breakfast is beyond rules or reason, and deserves a punch in the
+gizzard.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Seeing matters arriving at this unpromising situation, Bunyip Bluegum
+interposed by saying, 'Rather than allow this happy occasion to be
+marred by unseemly recriminations, let us, while admitting that our
+admirable friend, Sam, may have unwittingly disturbed the composure of
+our admirable friend, Bill, at the expense of our admirable Puddin's
+gravy, let us, I say, by the simple act of extending the hand of
+friendship, dispel in an instant these gathering clouds of disruption.
+In the words of the poem&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Then let the fist of Friendship<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Be kept for Friendship's foes.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ne'er let that hand in anger land<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On Friendship's holy nose.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>These fine sentiments at once dispelled Bill's anger. He shook hands
+warmly with Sam, wiped the gravy from his face, and resumed breakfast
+with every appearance of hearty good humour.</p>
+
+<p>The meal over, the breakfast things were put away in the bag, Sam and
+Bill took Puddin' between them, and all set off along the road,
+enlivening the way with song and story. Bill regaled them with portions
+of the 'Ballad of the <i>Salt Junk Sarah</i>', which is one of those songs
+that go on for ever. Its great advantage, as Bill remarked, was that as
+it hadn't got an ending it didn't need a beginning, so you could start
+it anywhere.</p>
+
+<p>'As for instance,' said Bill, and he roared out&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Ho, aboard the <i>Salt Junk Sarah</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Rollin' home across the line,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Bo'sun collared the Captain's hat<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And threw it in the brine.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Rollin' home, rollin' home,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Rollin' home across the foam,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Captain sat without a hat<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The whole way rollin' home.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs040.jpg" width="500" height="323" alt="" title="Entertaining themselves in this way" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Entertaining themselves in this way as they strolled along, they were
+presently arrested by shouts of 'Fire! Fire!' and a Fireman in a large
+helmet came bolting down the road, pulling a fire hose behind him.</p>
+
+<p>'Aha!' said Bill. 'Now we shall have the awe-inspirin' spectacle of a
+fire to entertain us,' and, accosting the Fireman, he demanded to know
+where the fire was.</p>
+
+<p>'The fact is,' said the Fireman, 'that owing to the size of this helmet
+I can't see where it is; but if you will kindly glance at the
+surrounding district, you'll see it about somewhere.'</p>
+
+<p>They glanced about and, sure enough, there was a fire burning in the
+next field. It was only a cowshed, certainly, but it was blazing very
+nicely, and well worth looking at.</p>
+
+<p>'Fire,' said Bill, 'in the form of a common cowshed, is burnin' about
+nor'-nor'-east as the crow flies.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 398px;">
+<img src="images/gs041.jpg" width="398" height="500" alt="" title="if he gets too near the flames
+he&#39;ll be cooked again" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'In that case,' said the Fireman, 'I invite all present bravely to
+assist in putting it out. But,' he added impressively, 'if you'll take
+my advice, you'll shove that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> Puddin' in this hollow log and roll a
+stone agen the end to keep him in, for if he gets too near the flames
+he'll be cooked again and have his flavour ruined.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 458px;">
+<img src="images/gs042.jpg" width="458" height="500" alt="" title="&#39;How&#39;d you like to be shoved in a blooming log,&#39;" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'This is a very sensible feller,' said Bill, and though Puddin' objected
+strongly, he was at once pushed into a log and securely fastened in with
+a large stone.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>'How'd you like to be shoved in a blooming log,' he shouted at Bill,
+'when you was burning with anxiety to see the fire?' but Bill said
+severely, 'Be sensible, Albert, fires is too dangerous to Puddin's
+flavours.'</p>
+
+<p>No more time was lost in seizing the hose and they set off with the
+greatest enthusiasm. For, as everyone knows, running with the reel is
+one of the grand joys of being a fireman. They had the hose fixed to a
+garden tap in no time, and soon were all hard at work, putting out the
+fire.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs043.jpg" width="500" height="456" alt="" title="Of course there was a great deal of smoke" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Of course there was a great deal of smoke and shouting, and getting
+tripped up by the hose, and it was by the merest chance Bunyip Bluegum
+glanced back in time to see the Wombat in the act of stealing the
+Puddin' from the hollow log.</p>
+
+<p>'Treachery is at work,' he shouted.</p>
+
+<p>'Treachery,' roared Bill, and with one blow on the snout knocked the
+Fireman endways on into the burning cinders, where his helmet fell off,
+and exposed the countenance of that snooting, snouting scoundrel, the
+Possum.</p>
+
+<p>The Possum, of course, hadn't expected to have his disguise pierced so
+swiftly, and, though he managed to scramble out of the fire in time to
+save his bacon, he was considerably singed down the back.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs044.jpg" width="500" height="476" alt="" title="&#39;What a murderous attack!&#39;" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'What a murderous attack!' he exclaimed. 'O, what a brutal attempt to
+burn a man alive!' and as some hot cinders had got down his back he gave
+a sharp yell and ran off, singeing and smoking. Bill, distracted with
+rage, ran after the Possum, then changed his mind and ran after the
+Wombat, so that, what with running first after one and then after the
+other, they both had time to get clean away, and disappeared over the
+skyline.</p>
+
+<p>'I see it all,' shouted Bill, casting himself down in despair. 'Them low
+puddin'-thieves has borrowed a fireman's helmet, collared a hose, an'
+set fire to a cowshed in order to lure us away from the Puddin'.'</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 447px;">
+<img src="images/gs045.jpg" width="447" height="500" alt="" title="&#39;The whole thing&#39;s a low put-up job" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'The whole thing's a low put-up job on our noble credulity,' said Sam,
+casting himself down beside Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'It's one of the most frightful things that's ever happened,' said Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'It's worse than treading on tacks with bare feet,' said Sam.</p>
+
+<p>'It's worse than bein' caught stealin' fowls,' said Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'It's worse than bein' stood on by cows,' said Sam.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 476px;">
+<img src="images/gs046.jpg" width="476" height="500" alt="" title="&#39;It&#39;s worse than kerosene to boose," />
+</div>
+
+<p>'It's almost as bad as havin' an uncle called Aldobrantifoscofornio,'
+said Bill, and they both sang loudly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'It's worse than weevils, worse than warts,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It's worse than corns to bear.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's worse than havin' several quarts<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of treacle in your hair.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'It's worse than beetles in the soup,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It's worse than crows to eat.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's worse than wearin' small-sized boots<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Upon your large-sized feet.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'It's worse than kerosene to boose,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It's worse than ginger hair.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's worse than anythin' to lose<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A Puddin' rich and rare.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs047.jpg" width="500" height="371" alt="" title="Bunyip Bluegum reproved this despondency" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Bunyip Bluegum reproved this despondency, saying, 'Come, come, this is
+no time for giving way to despair. Let us, rather, by the fortitude of
+our bearing prove ourselves superior to this misfortune and, with the
+energy of justly enraged men, pursue these malefactors, who have so
+richly deserved our vengeance. Arise!'</p>
+
+<p>'Bravely spoken,' said Bill, immediately recovering from despair.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The grass is green, the day is fair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The dandelions abound.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is this a time for sad despair<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And sitting on the ground?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Our Puddin' in some darksome lair<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In iron chains is bound,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While puddin'-snatchers on him fare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And eat him by the pound.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Let gloom give way to angry glare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Let weak despair be drowned,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let vengeance in its rage declare<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Our Puddin' <span class="smcap">MUST</span> be found.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Then let's resolve to do and dare.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Let teeth with rage be ground.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let voices to the heavens declare<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Our Puddin' <span class="smcap">MUST</span> be found.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'Those gallant words have fired our blood,' said Sam, and they both
+shook hands with Bunyip, to show that they were now prepared to follow
+the call of vengeance.</p>
+
+<p>'In order to investigate this dastardly outrage,' said Bunyip, 'we must
+become detectives, and find a clue. We must find somebody who has seen a
+singed possum. Once traced to their lair, mother-wit will suggest some
+means of rescuing our Puddin'.'</p>
+
+<p>They set off at once, and, after a brisk walk, came to a small house
+with a signboard on it saying, 'Henderson Hedgehog, Horticulturist'.
+Henderson himself was in the garden, horticulturing a cabbage, and they
+asked him if he had chanced to see a singed possum that morning.</p>
+
+<p>'What's that? What, what?' said Henderson Hedgehog, and when they had
+repeated the question, he said, 'You must speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'</p>
+
+<p>'HAVE YOU SEEN A SINGED POSSUM?' shouted Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'I can't hear you,' said Henderson.</p>
+
+<p>'Have you seen a <span class="smcap">SINGED POSSUM</span>?' roared Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'To be sure,' said Henderson, 'but the turnips are backward.'</p>
+
+<p>'Turnips be stewed,' yelled Bill in such a tremendous voice that he blew
+his own hat off. '<span class="smcap">HAVE YOU SEEN A SINGED POSSUM?</span>'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Good season for wattle blossom,' said Henderson. 'Well, yes, but a very
+poor season for carrots.'</p>
+
+<p>'A man might as well talk to a carrot as try an' get sense out of this
+runt of a feller,' said Bill, disgusted. 'Come an' see if we can't find
+someone that it won't bust a man's vocal cords gettin' information out
+of.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs049.jpg" width="500" height="419" alt="" title="They left Henderson to his horticulturing" />
+</div>
+
+<p>They left Henderson to his horticulturing and walked on till they met a
+Parrot who was a Swagman, or a Swagman who was a Parrot. He must have
+been one or the other, if not both, for he had a bag and a swag, and a
+beak, and a billy, and a thundering bad temper into the bargain, for the
+moment Bill asked him if he had met a singed possum he shouted back&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>'Me eat a singed possum! I wouldn't eat a possum if he was singed,
+roasted, boiled, or fried.'</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 426px;">
+<img src="images/gs050.jpg" width="426" height="500" alt="" title="&#39;Why can&#39;t yer speak plainly, then,&#39;" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Not ett&mdash;met,' shouted Bill. 'I said, met a singed possum.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why can't yer speak plainly, then,' said the Parrot. 'Have you got a
+fill of tobacco on yer?'</p>
+
+<p>He took out his pipe and scowled at Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'Here you are,' said Bill. 'Cut a fill an' answer the question.'</p>
+
+<p>'All in good time,' said the Parrot, and he added to Sam, 'You got any
+tobacco?'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Sam handed him a fill, and he put it in his pocket. 'You ain't got any
+tobacco,' he said scornfully to Bunyip Bluegum. 'I can see that at a
+glance. You're one of the non-smoking sort, all fur and feathers.'</p>
+
+<p>'Here,' said Bill angrily. 'Enough o' this beatin' about the bush.
+Answer the question.'</p>
+
+<p>'Don't be impatient,' said the Parrot. 'Have you got a bit o' tea an'
+sugar on yer?'</p>
+
+<p>'Here's yer tea an' sugar,' said Bill, handing a little of each out of
+the bag. 'And that's the last thing you get. Now will you answer the
+question?'</p>
+
+<p>'Wot question?' asked the Parrot.</p>
+
+<p>'Have yer seen a singed possum?' roared Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'No, I haven't,' said the Parrot, and he actually had the insolence to
+laugh in Bill's face.</p>
+
+<p>'Of all the swivel-eyed, up-jumped, cross-grained, sons of a cock-eyed
+tinker,' exclaimed Bill, boiling with rage. 'If punching parrots on the
+beak wasn't too painful for pleasure, I'd land you a sockdolager on the
+muzzle that 'ud lay you out till Christmas. Come on, mates,' he added,
+'it's no use wastin' time over this low-down, hook-nosed
+tobacco-grabber.' And leaving the evil-minded Parrot to pursue his
+evil-minded way, they hurried off in search of information.</p>
+
+<p>The next person they spied was a Bandicoot carrying a watermelon. At a
+first glance you would have thought it was merely a watermelon walking
+by itself, but a second glance would have shown you that the walking was
+being done by a small pair of legs attached to the watermelon, and a
+third glance would have disclosed that the legs were attached to a
+Bandicoot.</p>
+
+<p>They shouted, 'Hi, you with the melon!' to attract his attention, and
+set off running after him, and the Bandicoot, being naturally of a
+terrified disposition, ran for all he was worth. He wasn't worth much as
+a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> runner, owing to the weight of the watermelon, and they caught him up
+half-way across the field.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs052.jpg" width="500" height="504" alt="" title="&#39;Take me watermelon,&#39; he gasped" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Conceiving that his hour had come, the Bandicoot gave a shrill squeak of
+terror and fell on his knees.</p>
+
+<p>'Take me watermelon,' he gasped,'but spare me life.'</p>
+
+<p>'Stuff an' nonsense,' said Bill. 'We don't want your life. What we want
+is some information. Have you seen a singed possum about this morning?'</p>
+
+<p>'Singed possums, sir, yes sir, certainly sir,' gasped the Bandicoot,
+trembling violently.</p>
+
+<p>'What!' exclaimed Bill, 'do yer mean to say you have seen a singed
+possum?'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Singed possums, sir, yes sir,' gulped the Bandicoot. 'Very plentiful,
+sir, this time of the year, sir, owing to the bush fires, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Rubbish,' roared Bill. 'I don't believe he's seen a singed possum at
+all.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 461px;">
+<img src="images/gs053.jpg" width="461" height="500" alt="" title="&#39;No, sir,&#39; quavered the Bandicoot" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'No, sir,' quavered the Bandicoot. 'Certainly not, sir. Wouldn't think
+of seeing singed possums if there was any objection, sir.'</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p>'You're a poltroon,' shouted Bill. 'You're a slaverin', quaverin',
+melon-carryin' nincompoop. There's no more chance of getting information
+out of you than out of a terrified Turnip.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 476px;">
+<img src="images/gs054.jpg" width="476" height="500" alt="" title="&#39;You&#39;re a slaverin&#39;, quaverin&#39;, melon-carryin&#39; nincompoop" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Leaving the Bandicoot to pursue his quavering, melon-humping existence,
+they set off again, Bill giving way to some very despondent expressions.</p>
+
+<p>'As far as I can see,' he said, 'if we can't find somethin' better than
+stone-deaf hedgehogs, peevish parrots, and funkin' bandicoots we may as
+well give way to despair.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Bunyip Bluegum was forced to exert his finest oratory to inspire them to
+another frame of mind. 'Let it never be said,' he exclaimed, 'that the
+unconquerable hearts of Puddin'-owners quailed before a parrot, a
+hedgehog, or a bandicoot.'</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Let hedgehogs deaf go delve and dig,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Immune from loudest howl,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let bandicoots lump melons big,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Let peevish parrots prowl.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Shall puddin'-owners bow the head<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">At such affronts as these?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No, No! March on, by anger led,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Our Puddin' to release.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Let courage high resolve inflame<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Our captive Pud to free;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Our banner wave, our words proclaim<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We march to victory!'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'Bravely sung,' exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip Bluegum by the hand, and
+they proceeded with expressions of the greatest courage and
+determination.</p>
+
+<p>As a reward for this renewed activity, they got some useful information
+from a Rooster who was standing at his front gate looking up and down
+the road, and wishing to heaven that somebody would come along for him
+to talk to. They got, in fact, a good deal more information than they
+asked for, for the Rooster was one of those fine up-standing, bumptious
+skites who love to talk all day, in the heartiest manner, to total
+strangers while their wives do the washing.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 483px;">
+<img src="images/gs056.jpg" width="483" height="500" alt="" title="Have you been burning feathers" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Singed possum,' he exclaimed, when they had put the usual question to
+him. 'Now, what an extraordinary thing that you should come along and
+ask me that question. What an astounding and incredible thing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> that you
+should actually use the word "singed" in connexion with the word
+"possum". Though mind you, the word I had in my mind was not "singed",
+but "burning". And not "possum", but "feathers". Now, I'll tell you why.
+Only this morning, as I was standing here, I said to myself "somebody's
+been burning feathers". I called out at once to the wife&mdash;fine woman,
+the wife, you'll meet her presently&mdash;"Have you been burning feathers?"
+"No", says she. "Well," said I, "if you haven't been burning feathers,
+somebody else has." At the very moment that I'm repeating the words
+"feathers" and "burning" you come along and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> repeat the words "singed"
+and "possum". Instantly I call to mind that at the identical moment that
+I smelt something burning, I saw a possum passing this very gate, though
+whether he happened to be singed or not I didn't inquire.'</p>
+
+<p>'Which way did he go?' inquired Bill excitedly.</p>
+
+<p>'Now, let me see,' said the Rooster. 'He went down the road, turned to
+the right, gave a jump and a howl, and set off in the direction of
+Watkin Wombat's summer residence.'</p>
+
+<p>'The very man we're after,' shouted Bill, and bolted off down the road,
+followed by the others, without taking any notice of the Rooster's
+request to wait a minute and be introduced to the wife.</p>
+
+<p>'His wife may be all right,' said Bill as they ran, 'but what I say is,
+blow meetin' a bloomin' old Rooster's wife when you haven't got a year
+to waste listenin' to a bloomin' old Rooster.'</p>
+
+<p>They followed the Rooster's directions with the utmost rapidity, and
+came to a large hollow tree with a door in the side and a notice-board
+nailed up which said, 'Watkin Wombat, Esq., Summer Residence'.</p>
+
+<p>The door was locked, but it was clear that the puddin'-thieves were
+inside, because they heard the Possum say peevishly, 'You're eating too
+much, and here's me, most severely singed, not getting sufficient', and
+the Wombat was heard to say, 'What you want is soap', but the Possum
+said angrily, 'What I need is immense quantities of puddin'.'</p>
+
+<p>The avengers drew aside to hold a consultation.</p>
+
+<p>'What's to be done?' said Bill. 'It's no use knockin', because they'd
+look through the keyhole and refuse to come out, and, not bein'
+burglars, we can't bust the door in. It seems to me that there's nothin'
+for it but to give way to despair.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 413px;">
+<img src="images/gs058.jpg" width="413" height="500" alt="" title="Never give way to despair" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Never give way to despair while whiskers can be made from dry grass,'
+said Bunyip Bluegum, and suiting the action to the word, he swiftly made
+a pair of fine moustaches out of dried grass and stuck them on with
+wattle gum. 'Now, lend me your hat,' he said to Bill, and taking the hat
+he turned up the brim, dented in the top, and put it on. 'The bag is
+also required,' he said to Sam, and taking that in his hand and turning
+his coat inside out, he stood before them completely disguised.</p>
+
+<p>'You two,' he said, 'must remain in hiding behind<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> the tree. You will
+hear me knock, accost the ruffians and hold them in conversation. The
+moment you hear me exclaim loudly, "Hey, Presto! Pots and Pans", you
+will dart out and engage the villains at fisticuffs. The rest leave to
+me.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 383px;">
+<img src="images/gs059.jpg" width="383" height="500" alt="" title="You will hear me knock" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Waiting till the others were hidden behind the tree,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> Bunyip rapped
+smartly on the door which opened presently and the Wombat put his head
+out cautiously.</p>
+
+<p>'Have I the extreme pleasure of addressing Watkin Wombat, Esq.?'
+inquired Bunyip Bluegum, with a bow.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, seeing a perfect stranger at the door, the Wombat had no
+suspicions, and said at once, 'Such is the name of him you see before
+you.'</p>
+
+<p>'I have called to see you,' said Bunyip, 'on a matter of business. The
+commodity which I vend is Pootles's Patent Pudding Enlarger, samples of
+which I have in the bag. As a guarantee of good faith we are giving
+samples of our famous Enlarger away to all well-known Puddin'-owners.
+The Enlarger, one of the wonders of modern science, has but to be poured
+over the puddin', with certain necessary incantations, and the puddin'
+will be instantly enlarged to double its normal size.' He took some
+sugar from the bag and held it up. 'I am now about to hand you some of
+this wonderful discovery. But,' he added impressively, 'the operation of
+enlarging the puddin' is a delicate one, and must be performed in the
+open air. Produce your puddin', and I will at once apply Pootles's
+Patent with marvellous effect.'</p>
+
+<p>'Of course it's understood that no charge is to be made,' said the
+Possum, hurrying out.</p>
+
+<p>'No charge whatever,' said Bunyip Bluegum.</p>
+
+<p>So on the principle of always getting something for nothing, as the
+Wombat said, Puddin' was brought out and placed on the ground.</p>
+
+<p>'Now watch me closely,' said Bunyip Bluegum. He sprinkled the Puddin'
+with sugar, made several passes with his hands, and pronounced these
+words<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Who incantations utters<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He generally mutters<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His gruesome blasts and bans<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But I, you need not doubt it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Prefer aloud to shout it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Hey, Presto! Pots and Pans.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 429px;">
+<img src="images/gs061.jpg" width="429" height="500" alt="" title="Out sprang Bill and Sam" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Out sprang Bill and Sam and set about the puddin'-thieves like a pair of
+windmills, giving them such a clip-clap clouting and a flip-flap
+flouting, that what with being punched and pounded, and clipped and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>
+clapped, they had only enough breath left to give two shrieks of despair
+while scrambling back into Watkin Wombat's Summer Residence, and banging
+the door behind them. The three friends had Puddin' secured in no time,
+and shook hands all round, congratulating Bunyip Bluegum on the success
+of his plan.</p>
+
+<p>'Your noble actin',' said Bill, 'has saved our Puddin's life.'</p>
+
+<p>'Them puddin'-thieves,' said Sam, 'was children in your hands.'</p>
+
+<p>'We hear you,' sang out the Possum, and the Wombat added, 'Oh, what
+deceit!'</p>
+
+<p>'Enough of you two,' shouted Bill. 'If we catch you sneakin' after our
+Puddin' again, you'll get such a beltin' that you'll wish you was
+vegetarians. And now,' said he, 'for a glorious reunion round the camp
+fire.'</p>
+
+<p>And a glorious reunion they had, tucking into hot steak-and-kidney
+puddin' and boiled jam roll, which, after the exertions of the day, went
+down, as Bill said, 'Grand'.</p>
+
+<p>'If them puddin'-thieves ain't sufferin' the agonies of despair at this
+very moment, I'll eat my hat along with the Puddin',' said Bill,
+exultantly.</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'the consciousness that our enemies are
+deservedly the victims of acute mental and physical anguish, imparts, it
+must be admitted, an additional flavour to the admirable Puddin'.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well spoken,' said Bill, admiringly. 'Which I will say, that for
+turning off a few well-chosen words no parson in the land is the equal
+of yourself.'</p>
+
+<p>'Your health!' said Bunyip Bluegum.</p>
+
+<p>The singing that evening was particularly loud and prolonged, owing to
+the satisfaction they all felt at the recovery of their beloved Puddin'.
+The Puddin', who had got the sulks over Sam's remarks that fifteen goes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span>
+of steak-and-kidney were enough for any self-respecting man, protested
+against the singing, which, he said, disturbed his gravy. '"More eating
+and less noise" is my motto,' he said, and he called Bill a
+leather-headed old barrel organ for reproving him.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/gs063.jpg" width="450" height="244" alt="" title="Albert is a spoilt child" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Albert is a spoilt child, I fear,' said Bill, shoving him into the bag
+to keep him quiet, and without more ado, led off with&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Ho! aboard the <i>Salt Junk Sarah</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Rollin' home around the Horn,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Bo'sun pulls the Captain's nose<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For treatin' him with scorn.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Rollin' home, rollin' home,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Rollin' home across the foam.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Bo'sun goes with thumps and blows<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The whole way rollin' home.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'But,' said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum, after about fifteen verses of the
+<i>Salt Junk Sarah</i>, 'the superior skill, ingenuity and darin' with which
+you bested them puddin'-snatchers reminds me of a similar incident in
+Sam's youth, which I will now sing you. The incident, though similar as
+regards courage an' darin', is totally different in regard to everythin'
+else, and is entitled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs064.jpg" width="500" height="320" alt="" title="THE PENGUIN&#39;S BRIDE" />
+</div>
+
+<h4>THE PENGUIN'S BRIDE</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">''Twas on the <i>Saucy Soup Tureen</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That Sam was foremast hand,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When on the quarter-deck was seen<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A maiding fit to be a Queen<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With her old Uncle stand.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'And Sam at once was sunk all<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In passion deep and grand,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But this here aged Uncle<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He was the Hearl of Buncle<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And Sam a foremast hand.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'And Sam he chewed salt junk all<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Day with grief forlorn,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Because the Hearl of Buncle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The lovely maiding's Uncle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Regarded him with scorn.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'When sailin' by Barbado,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The <i>Saucy Soup Tureen</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Before she could be stayed-O<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Went down in a tornado,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And never more was seen.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/gs065.jpg" width="400" height="378" alt="" title="The passengers were sunk alll" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The passengers were sunk all<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Beneath the ragin' wave,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The maiding and her Uncle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Noble Hearl of Buncle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Were saved by Sam the Brave.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/gs065b.jpg" width="450" height="309" alt="" title="Were saved by Sam the Brave" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'He saved the Noble Buncle<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">By divin' off the poop.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The maiding in a funk all<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He, saved along with Uncle<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Upon a chicken coop.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'And this here niece of Buncle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">When they got safe to land,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For havin' saved her Uncle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Noble Hearl of Buncle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">She offered Sam her hand.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'And that old Uncle Buncle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For joy of his release,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On Burgundy got drunk all<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Day in Castle Buncle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Which hastened his decease.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The lovely maiding Buncle<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Inherited the land;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And, now her aged Uncle<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Has gone, the Hearl of Buncle<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is Sam, the foremast hand.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/gs066.jpg" width="450" height="446" alt="" title="The lovely maiding Buncle" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Of course,' said Sam modestly, 'the song goes too far in sayin' as how
+I married the Hearl's niece, because, for one thing, I ain't a marryin'
+man, and for another thing, what she really sez to me when we got to
+land was, "You're a noble feller, an' here's five shillin's for you, and
+any time you happen to be round our way, just give a ring at the
+servants' bell, and there'll always be a feed waitin' for you in the
+kitchen." However, you've got to have songs to fill in the time with,
+and when a feller's got a rotten word like Buncle to find rhymes for,
+there's no sayin' how a song'll end.'</p>
+
+<p>'The exigencies of rhyme,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'may stand excused from
+a too strict insistence on verisimilitude, so that the general gaiety is
+thereby promoted. And now,' he added, 'before retiring to rest, let us
+all join in song,' and grasping each other's hands they loudly sang&mdash;</p>
+
+<h4>THE PUDDIN'-OWNERS' EVENSONG</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Let feeble feeders stoop<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To plates of oyster soup.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Let pap engage<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The gums of age<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And appetites that droop;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We much prefer to chew<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A Steak-and-kidney stew.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Let yokels coarse appease<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their appetites with cheese.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Let women dream<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of cakes and cream,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We scorn fal-lals like these;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Our sterner sex extols<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The joy of boiled jam rolls.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'We scorn digestive pills;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Give us the food that fills;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Who bravely stuff<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Themselves with Duff,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">May laugh at Doctor's bills.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For medicine, partake<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of kidney, stewed with steak.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Then plight our faith anew<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Three puddin'-owners true,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Who boldly claim<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In Friendship's name<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The noble Irish stoo,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hurrah, Hurrah, Hurroo!'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><span class="totoc"><a href="#toc">Contents</a></span><a name="Third_Slice" id="Third_Slice"></a>Third Slice</h2>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 432px;">
+<img src="images/gs069.jpg" width="432" height="500" alt="" title="set off along the road" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'After our experience of yesterday,' said Bill Barnacle as the company
+of Puddin'-owners set off along the road with their Puddin', 'we shall
+have to be particularly careful. For what with low puddin'-thieves
+disguising themselves as firemen, and low Wombats<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> sneakin' our Puddin'
+while we're helpin' to put out fires, not to speak of all the worry and
+bother of tryin' to get information out of parrots and bandicoots an'
+hedgehogs, why, it's enough to make a man suspect his own grandfather of
+bein' a puddin'-snatcher.'</p>
+
+<p>'As for me,' said Sam Sawnoff, practising boxing attitudes as he walked
+along, 'I feel like laying out the first man we meet on the off-chance
+of his being a puddin'-thief.'</p>
+
+<p>'Indeed,' observed Bunyip Bluegum, 'to have one's noblest feelings
+outraged by reposing a too great trust in unworthy people, is to end by
+regarding all humanity with an equal suspicion.'</p>
+
+<p>'If you ask my opinion,' said the Puddin' cynically, 'them
+puddin'-thieves are too clever for you; and, what's more, they're better
+eaters than you. Why,' said the Puddin', sneering at Bill, 'I'll back
+one puddin'-thief to eat more in a given time than three Puddin'-owners
+put together.'</p>
+
+<p>'These are very treacherous sentiments, Albert,' said Bill sternly.
+'These are very ignoble and shameless words,' but the Puddin' merely
+laughed scornfully, and called Bill a bun-headed old beetle-crusher.</p>
+
+<p>'Very well,' said Bill, enraged, 'we shall see if a low puddin'-thief is
+better than a noble Puddin'-owner. When you see the terrible suspicions
+I shall indulge in to-day you'll regret them words.'</p>
+
+<p>To prove his words Bill insisted on closely inspecting everybody he met,
+in case they should be puddin'-thieves in disguise.</p>
+
+<p>To start off with, they had an unpleasant scene with a Kookaburra, a low
+larrikin who resented the way that Bill examined him.</p>
+
+<p>'Who are you starin' at, Poodle's Whiskers?' he asked.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs071.jpg" width="500" height="386" alt="" title="&#39;I&#39;m starin&#39; at you" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Never mind,' said Bill. 'I'm starin' at you for a good an' sufficient
+reason.'</p>
+
+<p>'Are yer?' said the Kookaburra. 'Well, all I can say is that if yer
+don't take yer dial outer the road I'll bloomin' well take an' bounce a
+gibber off yer crust,' and he followed them for quite a long way,
+singing out insulting things such as, 'You with the wire whiskers,' and
+'Get onter the bloke with the face fringe.'</p>
+
+<p>Bill, of course, treated this conduct with silent contempt. It was his
+rule through life, he said, never to fight people with beaks.</p>
+
+<p>The next encounter they had was with a Flying-fox who, though not so
+vulgar and rude as the Kookaburra, was equally enraged because, as Bill
+had suspicions that he was the Possum disguised, he insisted on
+measuring him to see if he was the same length.</p>
+
+<p>'Nice goings on, indeed,' said the Flying-fox, while Bill was measuring
+him, 'if a man can't go about his business without being measured by
+total strangers. A<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> nice thing, indeed, to happen to Finglebury
+Flying-fox, the well-known and respected fruit stealer.'</p>
+
+<p>However, he was found to be six inches too short, so they let him go,
+and he hurried off, saying, 'I shall have the Law on you for this,
+measuring a man in a public place without being licensed as a tailor.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs072.jpg" width="500" height="478" alt="" title="I shall have the Law on you for this" />
+</div>
+
+<p>The third disturbance due to Bill's suspicions occurred while Bunyip
+Bluegum was in a grocer's shop. They had run out of tea and sugar, and
+happening to pass through the town of Bungledoo took the opportunity of
+laying in a fresh supply. If Bunyip hadn't been in the shop, as was
+pointed out afterwards, the trouble wouldn't have occurred. The first he
+heard of it was a scream of 'Help, help, murder is being done!' and
+rushing out of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> shop, what was his amazement to see no less a person
+than his Uncle Wattleberry bounding and plunging about the road with
+Bill hanging on to his whiskers, and Sam hanging on to one leg.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 442px;">
+<img src="images/gs073.jpg" width="442" height="550" alt="" title="&#39;I&#39;ve got him," />
+</div>
+
+<p>'I've got him,' shouted Bill. 'Catch a hold of his other leg and give me
+a chance to get his whiskers off.'</p>
+
+<p>'But why are you taking his whiskers off?' inquired Bunyip Bluegum.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 402px;">
+<img src="images/gs074.jpg" width="402" height="500" alt="" title="Because they&#39;re stuck on with glue" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Because they're stuck on with glue,' shouted Bill. 'I saw it at a
+glance. It's Watkin Wombat, Esq., disguised as a company promoter.'</p>
+
+<p>'Dear me,' said Bunyip, hurriedly, 'you are making a mistake. This is
+not a puddin'-thief, this is an Uncle.'</p>
+
+<p>'A what?' exclaimed Bill, letting go the whiskers.</p>
+
+<p>'An Uncle,' replied Bunyip Bluegum.</p>
+
+<p>'An Uncle,' roared Uncle Wattleberry. 'An Uncle of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> the highest
+integrity. You have most disgracefully and unmercifully pulled an
+Uncle's whiskers.'</p>
+
+<p>'I can assure you,' said Bill, 'I pulled them under the delusion that
+you was a disguised Wombat.'</p>
+
+<p>'That is no excuse, sir,' bellowed Uncle Wattleberry. 'No one but an
+unmitigated ruffian would pull an Uncle's whiskers.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Who but the basest scoundrel, double-eyed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Would pluck an Uncle's whiskers in their pride,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What baseness, then, doth such a man disclose<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who'd raise a hand to pluck an Uncle's nose?'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'If I've gone too far,' said Bill, 'I apologize. If I'd known you was an
+Uncle I wouldn't have done it.'</p>
+
+<p>'Apologies are totally inadequate,' shouted Uncle Wattleberry. 'Nothing
+short of felling you to the earth with an umbrella could possibly atone
+for the outrage. You are a danger to the whisker-growing public. You
+have knocked my hat off, pulled my whiskers, and tried to remove my
+nose.'</p>
+
+<p>'Pullin' your nose,' said Bill, solemnly, 'is a mistake any man might
+make, for I put it to all present, as man to man, if that nose don't
+look as if it's only gummed on.'</p>
+
+<p>All present were forced to admit that it was a mistake that any man
+might make. 'Any man,' as Sam remarked, 'would think he was doing you a
+kindness by trying to pull it off.'</p>
+
+<p>'Allow me to point out also, my dear Uncle,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'that
+your whiskers were responsible for this seeming outrage. Let your anger,
+then, be assuaged by the consciousness that you are the victim, not of
+malice, but of the misfortune of wearing whiskers.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'How now,' exclaimed Uncle Wattleberry. 'My nephew Bunyip among these
+sacrilegious whisker-pluckers and nose-pullers. My nephew, not only
+aiding and abetting these ruffians, but seeking to palliate their
+crimes! This is too much. My feelings are such that nothing but bounding
+and plunging can relieve them.'</p>
+
+<p>And thereupon did Uncle Wattleberry proceed to bound and plunge with the
+greatest activity, shouting all the while&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'You need not think I bound and plunge<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Like this in festive mood.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I bound that bounding may expunge<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The thought of insult rude.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'An Uncle's rage must seek relief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His anger must be drowned;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It is to soothe an Uncle's grief<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That thus I plunge and bound.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'I bound and plunge, I seethe with rage,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">My mighty anger seeks<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So much relief that I engage<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To plunge and bound for weeks.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Seeing that there was no possibility of inducing Uncle Wattleberry to
+look at the affair in a reasonable light, they walked off and left him
+to continue his bounding and plunging for the amusement of the people of
+Bungledoo, who brought their chairs out on to the footpath in order to
+enjoy the sight at their ease. Bill's intention to regard everybody he
+met with suspicion was somewhat damped by this mistake, and he said
+there ought to be a law to prevent a man going about looking as if he
+was a disguised puddin'-thief.</p>
+
+<p>The most annoying part of it all was that when the puddin'-thieves did
+make their appearance they weren't disguised at all. They were dressed
+as common ordinary<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> puddin'-thieves, save that the Possum carried a bran
+bag in his hand and the Wombat waved a white flag.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 419px;">
+<img src="images/gs077.jpg" width="419" height="500" alt="" title="they weren&#39;t disguised at all" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Well, if this isn't too bad,' shouted Bill, enraged. 'What d'you mean,
+comin' along in this unexpected way without bein' disguised?'</p>
+
+<p>'No, no,' sang out the Possum. 'No disguises to-day.'</p>
+
+<p>'No fighting, either,' said the Wombat.</p>
+
+<p>'No disguises, no fighting, and no puddin'-stealing,'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> said the Possum.
+'Nothing but the fairest and most honourable dealings.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs078.jpg" width="500" height="504" alt="" title="We&#39;re after bringing you a present in this bag" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'If you ain't after our Puddin', what are you after?' demanded Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'We're after bringing you a present in this bag,' said the Possum.</p>
+
+<p>'Absurd,' said Bill. 'Puddin'-thieves don't give presents away.'</p>
+
+<p>'Don't say that, Bill,' said the Possum, solemnly. 'If you only knew
+what noble intentions we have, you'd be ashamed of them words.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs079.jpg" width="500" height="419" alt="" title="You&#39;d blush to hear your voice a-utterin&#39; of them" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'You'd blush to hear your voice a-utterin' of them,' said the Wombat.</p>
+
+<p>'I can't make this out at all,' said Bill, scratching his head. 'The
+idea of a puddin'-thief offering a man a present dumbfounds me, as the
+saying goes.'</p>
+
+<p>'No harm is intended,' said the Possum, and the Wombat added: 'Harm is
+as far from our thoughts as from the thoughts of angels.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, well,' said Bill, at length. 'I'll just glance at it first, to
+see what it's like.'</p>
+
+<p>But the Possum shook his head. 'No, no, Bill,' he said, 'no glancing,'
+and the Wombat added: 'To prove that no deception is intended, all heads
+must look in the bag together.'</p>
+
+<p>'What's to be done about this astoundin' predicament?' said Bill. 'If
+there is a present, of course we may as well have it. If there ain't a
+present, of course<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> we shall simply have to punch their snouts as
+usual.'</p>
+
+<p>'One must confess,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'to the prompting of a certain
+curiosity as to the nature of this present'; and Sam added, 'Anyway,
+there's no harm in having a look at it.'</p>
+
+<p>'No harm whatever,' said the Possum, and he held the bag open
+invitingly. The Puddin'-owners hesitated a moment, but the temptation
+was too strong, and they all looked in together. It was a fatal act. The
+Possum whipped the bag over their heads, the Wombat whipped a rope round
+the bag, and there they were, helpless.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;">
+<img src="images/gs080.jpg" width="550" height="340" alt="" title="The worst of it was that the Puddin" />
+</div>
+
+<p>The worst of it was that the Puddin', being too short to look in, was
+left outside, and the puddin'-thieves grabbed him at once and ran off
+like winking. To add to the Puddin'-owners' discomfiture there was a
+considerable amount of bran in the bag; and, as Bill said afterwards,
+'if there's anything worse than losing a valuable Puddin', it's bran in
+the whiskers'. They bounded and plunged about, but soon had to stop that
+on account of treading on each other's toes&mdash;especially<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> Sam's, who
+endured agonies, having no boots on.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;">
+<img src="images/gs081.jpg" width="550" height="423" alt="" title="&#39;What a frightful calamity,&#39;" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'What a frightful calamity,' groaned Bill giving way to despair.</p>
+
+<p>'It's worse than being chased by natives on the Limpopo River,' said
+Sam.</p>
+
+<p>'It's worse than fighting Arabs single-handed,' croaked Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'It's almost as bad as being pecked on the head by eagles,' said Sam,
+and in despair they sang in muffled tones&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'O what a fearful fate it is,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">O what a frightful fag,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To have to walk about like this<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">All tied up in a bag.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Our noble confidence has sent<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Us on this fearful jag;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In noble confidence we bent<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To look inside this bag.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Deprived of air, in dark despair<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Upon our way we drag;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Condemned for evermore to wear<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">This frightful, fearsome bag.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 335px;">
+<img src="images/gs082.jpg" width="335" height="500" alt="" title="Bunyip Bluegum" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Bunyip Bluegum reproved this faint-heartedness, saying, 'As our
+misfortunes are due to exhibiting too great a trust in scoundrels, so
+let us bear them with the greater fortitude. As in innocence we fell, so
+let our conduct in this hour of dire extremity be guided by the
+courageous endurance of men whose consciences are free from guilt.'</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs083.jpg" width="500" height="470" alt="" title="These fine words greatly stimulated the others" />
+</div>
+
+<p>These fine words greatly stimulated the others, and they endured with
+fortitude, walking on Sam's feet for an hour and a half, when the sound
+of footsteps apprised them that a traveller was approaching.</p>
+
+<p>This traveller was a grave, elderly dog named Benjimen Brandysnap, who
+was going to market with eggs. Seeing three people walking in a bag he
+naturally supposed they were practising for the sports, but on hearing
+their appeals for help he very kindly undid the rope.</p>
+
+<p>'Preserver,' exclaimed Bill, grasping him by the hand.</p>
+
+<p>'Noble being,' said Sam.</p>
+
+<p>'Guardian angel of oppressed Puddin'-owners,' said Bunyip Bluegum.</p>
+
+<p>Benjimen was quite overcome by these expressions of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> esteem, and handed
+round eggs, which were eaten on the spot.</p>
+
+<p>'And now,' said Bill, again shaking hands with their preserver, 'I am
+about to ask you a most important question. Have you seen any
+puddin'-thieves about this mornin'?'</p>
+
+<p>'Puddin'-thieves,' said Benjimen. 'Let me see. Now that you mention it,
+I remember seeing two puddin'-thieves at nine-thirty this morning. But
+they weren't stealing puddin's. They were engaged stealing a bag out of
+my stable. I was busy at the time whistling to the carrots, or I'd have
+stopped them.'</p>
+
+<p>'This is most important information,' said Bill. 'It proves this must be
+the very bag they stole. In what direction did the scoundrels go,
+friend, after stealing your bag?'</p>
+
+<p>'As I was engaged at the moment feeding the parsnips, I didn't happen to
+notice,' said Benjimen. 'But at this season puddin'-thieves generally go
+south-east, owing to the price of onions.'</p>
+
+<p>'In that case,' said Bill, 'we shall take a course north-west, for it's
+my belief that havin' stolen our Puddin' they'll make back to winter
+quarters.'</p>
+
+<p>'We will pursue to the north-west with the utmost vigour,' said Bunyip.</p>
+
+<p>'Swearin' never to give in till revenge has been inflicted and our
+Puddin' restored to us,' said Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'In order to exacerbate our just anger,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'let us
+sing as we go&mdash;</p>
+
+<h4>THE PUDDIN'-OWNERS' QUEST</h4>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'On a terrible quest we run north-west,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In a terrible rage we run;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With never a rest we run north-west<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Till our terrible work is done.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Without delay<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Away, away,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In a terrible rage we run all day.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'By our terrible zest you've doubtless guessed<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That vengeance is our work;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For we seek the nest with terrible zest<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Where the puddin'-snatchers lurk.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">With rage, with gloom,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">With fret and fume,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We seek the puddin'-snatchers' doom.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 498px;">
+<img src="images/gs085.jpg" width="498" height="500" alt="" title="They ran north-west for two hours" />
+</div>
+
+<p>They ran north-west for two hours without seeing a sign of the
+puddin'-thieves. Benjimen ran with them to exact revenge for the theft
+of his bag. It was hot work running, and having no Puddin' they couldn't
+have lunch, but Benjimen very generously handed eggs all round again.</p>
+
+<p>'Eggs is all very well,' said Bill, eating them in despair, 'but they
+don't come up to Puddin' as a regular diet, and all I can say is, that
+if that Puddin' ain't restored soon I shall go mad with grief.'</p>
+
+<p>'I shall go mad with rage,' said Sam, and they both sang loudly&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Go mad with grief or mad with rage,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It doesn't matter whether;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Our Puddin's left this earthly stage,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So in despair we must engage<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To both go mad together.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'I have a suggestion to make,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'which will at once
+restore your wonted good-humour. Observe me.'</p>
+
+<p>He looked about till he found a piece of board, and wrote this notice on
+it with his fountain pen&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<h4>A GRAND PROCESSION OF<br />
+THE AMALGAMATED SOCIETY OF<br />
+PUDDINGS WILL PASS HERE<br />
+AT 2.30 TO-DAY<br /></h4>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 521px;">
+<img src="images/gs087.jpg" width="521" height="550" alt="" title="This he hung on a tree" />
+</div>
+
+<p>This he hung on a tree. 'Now,' said he, 'all that remains to be done is
+to hide behind this bush. The news of the procession will spread like
+wildfire through the district, and the puddin'-thieves, unable to resist
+such a spectacle, will come hurrying to view the procession. The rest
+will be simply a matter of springing out on them like lions.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Superbly reasoned,' said Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 390px;">
+<img src="images/gs088.jpg" width="390" height="550" alt="" title="a crow, who happened to be passing" />
+</div>
+
+<p>They all hid behind the bush and a crow, who happened to be passing,
+read the sign and flew off at once to spread the news through the
+district.</p>
+
+<p>In fifteen minutes, by Bill's watch, the puddin'-thieves came running
+down the road, and took up a position on a stump to watch the
+procession. They had evidently been disturbed in the very act of eating<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span>
+Puddin', for the Possum was still masticating a mouthful; and the Wombat
+had stuck the Puddin' in his hat, and put his hat on his head, which
+clearly proved him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> to be a very ill-bred fellow, for in good society
+wearing puddin's on the head is hardly ever done.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 383px;">
+<img src="images/gs089.jpg" width="383" height="550" alt="" title="the Wombat
+had stuck the Puddin&#39; in his hat" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Bill and Sam, who were like bloodhounds straining at the leash, sprang
+out and confronted the scoundrels, while Bunyip and Ben got behind in
+order to cut off their retreat.</p>
+
+<p>'We've got you at last,' said Bill, sparring up at the Possum with the
+fiercest activity. 'Out with our Puddin', or prepare for a punch on the
+snout.'</p>
+
+<p>The Possum turned pale and the Wombat hastily got behind him.</p>
+
+<p>'Puddin',' said the Possum, acting amazement. 'What strange request is
+this?'</p>
+
+<p>'What means this strange request?' asked the Wombat.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs090.jpg" width="500" height="360" alt="" title="&#39;Produce the Puddin&#39; or prepare for death.&#39;" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'No bungfoodlin',' said Bill sternly. 'Produce the Puddin' or prepare
+for death.'</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Before bringing accusations,' said the Possum, 'prove where the Puddin'
+is.'</p>
+
+<p>'It's under that feller's hat,' roared Bill, pointing at the Wombat.</p>
+
+<p>'Prove it,' said the Wombat.</p>
+
+<p>'You can't wear hats that high, without there's puddin's under them,'
+said Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'That's not puddin's,' said the Possum; 'that's ventilation. He wears
+his hat like that to keep his brain cool.'</p>
+
+<p>'Very well,' said Bill. 'I call on Ben Brandysnap, as an independent
+witness whose bag has been stolen, to prove what's under that hat.'</p>
+
+<p>Ben put on his spectacles in order to study the Wombat carefully, and
+gravely pronounced this judgement&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'When you see a hat<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Stuck up like that<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">You remark with some surprise,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Has he been to a shop,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And bought for his top<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A hat of the largest size?"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Or else you say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As you note the way<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He wears it like a wreath,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"It cannot be fat<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That bulges his hat;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He's got something underneath."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'But whether or not<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's a Puddin' he's got<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Can only be settled by lifting his pot.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or by taking a stick,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A stone or a brick,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And hitting him hard on the head with it quick.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If he yells, you hit fat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If he doesn't, well that<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Will prove it's a Puddin' that's under his hat.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'Now are you satisfied?' asked Bill, and they all shouted&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Hurrah! hurray!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Just listen to that;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He knows the way<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To bell the cat.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You'd better obey<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His judgement pat,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Without delay<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Remove the hat;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's tit-for-tat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We tell you flat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You'll find it pay<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To lift your hat.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Obey the mandate of our chosen lawyer,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Remove that hat, or else we'll do it faw yer.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'No, no,' said the Possum, shaking his head. 'No removing people's hats.
+Removing hats is larceny, and you'll get six months for it.'</p>
+
+<p>'No bashing heads, either,' said the Wombat. 'That's manslaughter, and
+we'll have you hung for it.'</p>
+
+<p>Bill scratched his head. 'This is an unforeseen predicament,' he said.
+'Just mind them puddin'-thieves a minute, Ben, while we has a word in
+private.' He took Sam and Bunyip aside, and almost gave way to despair.
+'What a frightful situation,' wailed he. 'We can't unlawfully take a
+puddin'-thief's hat off, and while it remains on who's to prove our
+Puddin's under it? This is one of the worst things that's happened to
+Sam and me for years.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'It's worse than being chased by wart-hogs,' said Sam.</p>
+
+<p>'It's worse than rolling off a cowshed,' said Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'It's worse than wearing soup tureens for hats,' said Sam.</p>
+
+<p>'It's almost as bad as swallowing thistle buttons,' said Bill, and both
+sang loudly&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'It's worse than running in a fright,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Pursued by Polar bears;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's worse than being caught at night<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">By lions in their lairs.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'It's worse than barrel organs when<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They play from night till morn;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's worse than having large-sized men<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A-standing on your corn.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'It's worse than when at midnight you<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Tread on a silent cat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To have a puddin'-snatcher who<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Will not remove his hat.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'All is not yet lost,' said Bunyip Bluegum. 'Without reverting to
+violent measures, I will engage to have the hat removed.'</p>
+
+<p>'You will?' exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand.</p>
+
+<p>'I will,' said Bunyip firmly. 'All I ask is that you strike a dignified
+attitude in the presence of these scoundrels, and, at a given word,
+follow my example.'</p>
+
+<p>They all struck a dignified attitude in front of the puddin'-thieves,
+and Bunyip Bluegum, raising his hat, struck up the National Anthem, the
+others joining in with superb effect.</p>
+
+<p>'Hats off in honour to our King,' shouted Bill, and off came all the
+hats. The puddin'-thieves, of course,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> were helpless. The Wombat had to
+take his hat off, or prove himself disloyal, and there was Puddin'
+sitting on his head.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs094.jpg" width="500" height="386" alt="" title="The Wombat had to take his hat off" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Now who's a liar?' shouted Bill, hitting the Possum a swinging blow on
+the snout, while Sam gave the Wombat one of his famous over-arm flip
+flaps that knocked all the wind out of him. The Wombat tried to escape
+punishment by shouting, 'Never strike a man with a Puddin' on his head';
+but, now that their guilt was proved, Bill and Sam were utterly
+remorseless, and gave the puddin'-thieves such a trouncing that their
+shrieks pierced the firmament. When this had been done, all hands gave
+them an extra thumping in the interests of common morality. Eggs were
+rubbed in their hair by Benjimen, and Bill and Sam attended to the
+beating and snout-bending, while Bunyip did the reciting. Standing on a
+stump, he declaimed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 461px;">
+<img src="images/gs095.jpg" width="461" height="500" alt="" title="Your head we now are bumping." />
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The blows you feel we do not deal<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In common, vulgar thumping;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To higher motives we appeal&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It is to teach you not to steal,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Your head we now are bumping.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">You need not go on pumping<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Appeals for kinder dealing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We like to watch you jumping,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We like to hear you squealing.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We rather think this thumping<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Will take a bit of healing.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We hope these blows upon the nose,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">These bended snouts, these tramped-on toes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">These pains that you are feeling<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The truth will be revealing<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How wrong is puddin'-stealing.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Then, with great solemnity, he recited the following fine moral lesson&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/gs096.jpg" width="400" height="269" alt="" title="he recited the following fine moral lesson" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'A puddin'-thief, as I've heard tell,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Quite lost to noble feeling,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Spent all his days, and nights as well,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In constant puddin'-stealing.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'He stole them here, he stole them there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He knew no moderation;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He stole the coarse, he stole the rare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He stole without cessation.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/gs096b.jpg" width="400" height="328" alt="" title="He stole without cessation" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'He stole the steak-and-kidney stew<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That housewives in a rage hid;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He stole the infant's Puddin' too,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The Puddin' of the aged.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'He lived that Puddin's he might lure,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Into his clutches stealthy;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He stole the Puddin' of the poor,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The Puddin' of the wealthy.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'This evil wight went forth one night<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Intent on puddin'-stealing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When he beheld a hidden light<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A secret room revealing.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs097.jpg" width="500" height="330" alt="" title="The Puddin&#39; of the aged." />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Within he saw a fearful man,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With eyes like coals a-glowing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whose frightful whiskers over-ran<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His face, like weeds a-blowing;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'And there this fearful, frightful man,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A sight to set you quaking,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With pot and pan and curse and ban,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Began a Puddin' making.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs098.jpg" width="500" height="480" alt="" title="&#39;Twas made of buns and boiling oil" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">''Twas made of buns and boiling oil,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A carrot and some nails-O!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A lobster's claws, the knobs off doors,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An onion and some snails-O!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'A pound of fat, an old man rat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A pint of kerosene-O!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A box of tacks, some cobbler's wax,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Some gum and glycerine-O!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Gunpowder too, a hob-nailed shoe,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He stirred into his pottage;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some Irish stew, a pound of glue,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A high explosive sausage.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The deed was done, that frightful one,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With glare of vulture famished,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Blew out the light, and in the night<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Gave several howls, and vanished.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Our thieving lout, ensconced without,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Came through the window slinking;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He grabbed the pot and on the spot<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Began to eat like winking.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'He ate the lot, this guzzling sot&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Such appetite amazes&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Until those high explosives wrought<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Within his tum a loud report,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And blew him all to blazes.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'For him who steals ill-gotten meals<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Our moral is a good un.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We hope he feels that it reveals<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The danger he is stood in<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who steals a high explosive bomb,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Mistaking it for Puddin'.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 428px;">
+<img src="images/gs099.jpg" width="428" height="450" alt="" title="Who steals a high explosive bomb" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The puddin'-thieves wept loudly while this severe rebuke was being
+administered, and promised, with sobs, to amend their evil courses, and
+in the future to abstain from unlawful puddin'-snatching.</p>
+
+<p>'Your words,' said the Possum, 'has pierced our brains with horror and
+remorse'; and the Wombat added: 'From this time onwards our thoughts
+will be as far removed from Puddin' as is the thoughts of angels.'</p>
+
+<p>'We have heard that before,' said Bunyip Bluegum; 'but let us hope that
+this time your repentance is sincere. Let us hope that the tenderness of
+your snouts will be, if I may be permitted a flight of poetic fancy, a
+guiding star to lure your steps along the path of virtue&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'For he who finds his evil course is ended<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By having of his snout severely bended,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Along that path of virtue may be sent<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where virtuous snouts are seldom ever bent.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>With that the puddin'-thieves went over the hill, the sun went down and
+evening arrived, punctual to the minute.</p>
+
+<p>'Ah,' said Bill. 'It's a very fortunate thing that evenin's come along
+at this time, for, if it hadn't, we couldn't have waited dinner any
+longer. But, before preparin' for a night of gaiety, dance, and song, I
+have a proposal to put before my feller Puddin'-owners. I propose to
+invite our friend Ben here to join us round the camp fire. He has proved
+himself a very decent feller, free with his eggs, and as full of revenge
+against puddin'-thieves as ourselves.'</p>
+
+<p>'Hospitably spoken,' said Bunyip Bluegum, and the Puddin'-owners sang<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Come join us we intreat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Come join us we implore,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In Friendship's name our guest we claim,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And Friendship's name is law.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'We've Puddin' here a treat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We've Puddin' here galore;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Do not decline to stay and dine,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Our Puddin' you'll adore.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Our Puddin', we repeat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You really cannot beat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And here are we its owners three<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who graciously intreat<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">You'll be at our request,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The Puddin'-owners' guest.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'For these sentiments of esteem, admiration, and respect,' said Ben, 'I
+thank you. As one market-gardener to three Puddin'-owners, I may say I
+wouldn't wish to eat the Puddin' of three finer fellers than
+yourselves.'</p>
+
+<p>With this cordial understanding they set about preparing the camp fire,
+and the heartiest expressions of friendship were indulged in while the
+Puddin' was being passed round. As Bunyip aptly remarked&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'All Fortune's buffets he can surely pardon her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who claims as guest our courteous Market Gardener.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>To which Benjimen handsomely replied&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Still happier he, who meets three Puddin'-owners,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whose Puddin' is the equal of its donors.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And, indeed, a very pleasant evening they had round the camp fire.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><span class="totoc"><a href="#toc">Contents</a></span><a name="Fourth_Slice" id="Fourth_Slice"></a>Fourth Slice</h2>
+
+
+<p>'This is what I call satisfactory,' said Bill, as they sat at breakfast
+next morning. 'It's a great relief to the mind to know that them
+puddin'-thieves is sufferin' the agonies of remorse, and that our
+Puddin' is safe from bein' stolen every ten minutes.'</p>
+
+<p>'You're a bun-headed old optimist,' said the Puddin' rudely.
+'Puddin'-thieves never suffer from remorse. They only suffer from
+blighted hopes and suppressed activity.'</p>
+
+<p>'Have you no trust in human nature, Albert?' asked Bill, sternly. 'Don't
+you know that nothin' gives a man greater remorse than havin' his face
+punched, his toes trod on, and eggs rubbed in his hair?'</p>
+
+<p>'I have grave doubts myself,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'as to the sincerity
+of their repentance'; and Ben Brandysnap said that, speaking as a market
+gardener, his experience of carrot catchers, onion snatchers, pumpkin
+pouncers, and cabbage grabbers induced him to hold the opinion that
+shooting them with pea-rifles was the only sure way to make them feel
+remorse.</p>
+
+<p>In fact, as Sam said&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The howls and groans of pain and grief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The accents of remorse,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Extracted from a puddin'-thief<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Are all put on, of course.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'Then, all I can say is,' cried Bill, enraged, 'if there's any more of
+this business of puddin'-thieves, disguised as firemen, stealing our
+Puddin', and puddin'-thieves, not disguised at all, shovin' bags over
+our heads, blow me if I don't give up Puddin'-owning in despair and take
+to keepin' carrots for a livin'.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The Puddin' was so furious at this remark that they were forced to eat
+an extra slice all round to pacify him, in spite of which he called Bill
+a turnip-headed old carrot-cruncher, and other insulting names. However,
+at length they set out on the road, Bill continuing to air some very
+despondent remarks.</p>
+
+<p>'For what is the good of havin' a noble trustin' nature,' said he, 'for
+every low puddin'-thief in the land to take advantage of? As far as I
+can see, the only thing to do is to punch every snout we meet, and
+chance the odds it belongs to a puddin'-thief.'</p>
+
+<p>'Come,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'I see you are not your wonted,
+good-humoured self this morning. As a means of promoting the general
+gaiety, I call on you to sing the <i>Salt Junk Sarah</i> without delay.'</p>
+
+<p>This was immediately effective, and Bill with the greatest heartiness
+roared out&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Ho, aboard the <i>Salt Junk Sarah</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Rollin' round the ocean wide,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The bo'sun's mate, I grieve to state,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He kissed the bo'sun's bride.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs103.jpg" width="500" height="359" alt="" title="Rollin&#39; round the ocean wide" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Rollin' home, rollin' home,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Home across the foam;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The bo'sun rose and punched his nose<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And banged him on the dome.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>At about the fifteenth verse they came to the town of Tooraloo, and that
+put a stop to the singing, because you can't sing in the public streets
+unless you are a musician or a nuisance. The town of Tooraloo is one of
+those dozing, snoozing, sausage-shaped places where all the people who
+aren't asleep are only half awake, and where dogs pass away their lives
+on the footpaths, and you fall over cows when taking your evening
+stroll.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs104.jpg" width="500" height="328" alt="" title="and fell flat on their backs" />
+</div>
+
+<p>There was a surprise awaiting them at Tooraloo, for the moment they
+arrived two persons in bell-toppers and long-tailed coats ran out from
+behind a fence and fell flat on their backs in the middle of the road,
+yelling 'Help, help! thieves and ruffians are at work!'</p>
+
+<p>The travellers naturally stared with amazement at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> this peculiar
+conduct. The moment the persons in bell-toppers caught sight of them
+they sprang up, and striking an attitude expressive of horror, shouted:</p>
+
+<p>'Behold the puddin'-thieves!'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs105.jpg" width="500" height="388" alt="" title="&#39;Behold the puddin&#39;-thieves!&#39;" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Behold the what?' exclaimed Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'Puddin'-thieves,' said one of the bell-topperers. 'For well you know
+that that dear Puddin' in your hand has been stolen from its parents and
+guardians, which is ourselves.' And the other bell-topperer added, 'Deny
+it not, for with that dear Puddin' in your hand your guilt is manifest.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, if this ain't enough to dumbfound a codfish,' exclaimed Bill.
+'Here's two total strangers, disguised as undertakers, actually accusin'
+us of stealin' our own Puddin'. Why, it's outside the bounds of
+comprehension!'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'It's enough to stagger the senses,' said Sam.</p>
+
+<p>'It's enough to daze the mind with horror,' said Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'Come, come,' said the bell-topperers, 'cease these expressions of
+amazement and hand over the stolen Puddin'.'</p>
+
+<p>'What d'yer mean,' exclaimed Bill, 'by calling this a stolen Puddin'?
+It's a respectable steak-and-kidney, apple-dumplin', grand digestive
+Puddin', and any fellers in pot-hats sayin' it's a stolen Puddin' is
+scoundrels of the deepest dye.'</p>
+
+<p>'Never use such words to people wearing bell-toppers,' said one of the
+bell-topperers, and the other added, 'With that dear Puddin' gazing up
+to heaven, how can you use such words?'</p>
+
+<p>'All very fine, no doubt,' sneered Bill, 'but if you ain't scoundrels of
+the deepest dye, remove them hats and prove you ain't afraid to look us
+in the eye.'</p>
+
+<p>'No, no,' said the first bell-topperer. 'No removing hats at present on
+account of sunstroke, and colds in the head, and doctor's orders. My
+doctor said to me only this morning, "Never remove your hat." Those were
+his words. "Let it be your rule through life," he said, "to keep the
+head warm, whatever happens."'</p>
+
+<p>'No singing "God save the King", neither,' said the other bell-topperer.
+'Let your conduct be noble, and never sing the National Anthem to people
+wearing bell-toppers.'</p>
+
+<p>'In fact,' said the first bell-topperer, 'all we say is, hand over the
+Puddin' with a few well-chosen words, and all ill-feeling will be
+dropped.'</p>
+
+<p>Bill was so enraged at this suggestion that he dashed his hat on the
+ground and kicked it to relieve his feelings. 'Law or no law,' he
+shouted, 'I call on all hands to knock them bell-toppers off.'</p>
+
+<p>All hands made a rush for the bell-topperers, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> shouted, 'An
+Englishman's hat is his castle,' and Top-hats are sacred things'; but
+they were overpowered by numbers, and their hats were snatched off. '<span class="smcap">THE
+PUDDIN'-THIEVES!</span>' shouted the company.</p>
+
+<p>Those bell-toppers had disguised that snooting, snouting scoundrel, the
+Possum, and his snoozing, boozing friend the Wombat! There was an
+immense uproar over this discovery, Bill and Sam flapping and
+snout-bending away at the puddin'-thieves, the puddin'-thieves roaring
+for mercy. Ben denounced them as bag snatchers, and Bunyip Bluegum
+expressed his indignation in a fine burst of oratory, beginning:</p>
+
+<p>'Base, indeed, must be those scoundrels, who, lost to all sense of
+decency and honour, boldly assume the outward semblance of worthy
+citizens, and, by the pretentious nature of their appearance, not only
+seek the better to impose upon the noble credulity of Puddin'-owners,
+but, with dastardly cunning, strike a blow at Society's most sacred
+emblem&mdash;the pot-hat.'</p>
+
+<p>The uproar brought the Mayor of Tooraloo hastening to the scene,
+followed by the local constable. The Mayor was a little, fat,
+breathless, beetle-shaped man, who hastened with difficulty owing to his
+robe of office being trodden on by the Constable, who ran close behind
+him in order to finish eating a banana in secret. He had some more
+bananas in a paper bag, and his face was one of those feeble faces that
+make one think of eggs and carrots and feathers, if you take my meaning.</p>
+
+<p>'How now, how now!' shouted the Mayor. 'A riot going on here, a
+disturbance in the town of Tooraloo. Constable, arrest these rioters and
+disturbers.'</p>
+
+<p>'Before going to extremes,' said the Constable, in a tremulous voice,
+'my advice to you is, read the Riot Act, and so have all the honour and
+glory of stopping the riot yourself.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs108.jpg" width="500" height="422" alt="" title="in the haste of departure" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Unfortunately,' said the Mayor, 'in the haste of departure, I forgot to
+bring the Riot Act, so there's nothing else for it; you must have all
+the honour and glory of quelling it.'</p>
+
+<p>'The trouble is,' said the Constable, 'that there are far too many
+rioters. One would have been quite sufficient. If there had been only
+one small undersized rioter, I should have quelled him with the utmost
+severity.'</p>
+
+<p>'Constable,' said the Mayor, sternly, 'in the name of His Majesty the
+King, I call on you to arrest these rioters without delay.'</p>
+
+<p>'Look here,' said Bill, 'you're labourin' under an error. This ain't a
+riot at all. This is merely two puddin'-thieves gettin' a hidin' for
+tryin' to steal our Puddin'.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Puddin'-thieves!' exclaimed the Mayor. 'Don't tell me that
+puddin'-thieves have come to Tooraloo.'</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'It staggers me with pain and grief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I can't believe it's true,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That we should have a puddin'-thief<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Or two in Tooraloo.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'It is enough to make one dumb<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And very pale in hue<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To know that puddin'-thieves should come<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To sacred Tooraloo.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The Law's just anger must appear.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Ho! seize these scoundrels who<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pollute the moral atmosphere<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of rural Tooraloo.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'We protest against these cruel words,' said the Possum. 'We have been
+assaulted and battered and snout-bended by ruffians of the worst
+description.'</p>
+
+<p>'How can Your Worship say such things,' said the Wombat, 'and us
+a-wearin' bell-toppers before your very eyes.'</p>
+
+<p>'If you've been assaulted and battered,' said the Mayor, 'we shall have
+to arrest the assaulters and batterers, as well.'</p>
+
+<p>'What's fair to one is fair to all,' said the Constable. 'You'll admit
+that, of course?' he added to Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'I admit nothin' of the sort,' said Bill. 'If you want to arrest
+anybody, do your duty and arrest these here puddin'-snatchers.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'If you're an officer of the Law,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A constant felon-catcher,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then do not hesitate before<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A common puddin'-snatcher.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs110.jpg" width="500" height="346" alt="" title="We call on you to arrest these assaulters" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'We call on you to arrest these assaulters and batterers of people
+wearing top-hats,' said the puddin'-thieves;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Our innocence let all attest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We prove it by our hatter;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It is your duty to arrest<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Not those in top-hats of the best<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But those who top-hats batter.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'It's very clear that somebody has to be arrested,' said the Mayor. 'I
+can't be put to the trouble of wearing my robes of office in public
+without somebody having to pay for it. I don't care whether you arrest
+the top-hat batterers, or the battered top-hatters; all I say is, do
+your duty, whatever happens&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'So somebody, no matter who,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">You must arrest or rue it;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As I'm the Mayor of Tooraloo,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And you've the painful job to do,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I call on you to do it.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs111.jpg" width="500" height="525" alt="" title="settle the matter by arresting the Puddin" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Very well,' said the Constable, peevishly, 'as I've got to take all the
+responsibility, I'll settle the matter by arresting the Puddin'. As far
+as I can see, he's the ringleader in this disturbance.'</p>
+
+<p>'You're a carrot-nosed poltroon,' said the Puddin' loudly. 'As for the
+Mayor, he's a sausage-shaped porous plaster,' and he gave him a sharp
+pinch in the leg.</p>
+
+<p>'What a ferocious Puddin',' said the Mayor, turning as pale as a turnip.
+'Officer, do your duty and arrest this dangerous felon before he
+perpetrates further sacrilegious acts.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'That's all very well, you know,' said the Constable, turning as pale as
+tripe; 'but he might nip me.'</p>
+
+<p>'I can't help that,' cried the Mayor, angrily. 'At all costs I must be
+protected from danger. Do your duty and arrest this felon with your
+hat.'</p>
+
+<p>The Constable looked round, gasped, and summoning all his courage,
+scooped up the Puddin' in his hat.</p>
+
+<p>'My word,' he said, breathlessly, 'but that was a narrow squeak. I
+expected every moment to be my last.'</p>
+
+<p>'Now we breathe more freely,' said the Mayor, and led the way to the
+Tooraloo Court House.</p>
+
+<p>'If this isn't too bad,' said Bill, furiously. 'Here we've had all the
+worry and trouble of fightin' puddin'-thieves night and day, and, on top
+of it all, here's this Tooralooral tadpole of a Mayor shovin' his nose
+into the business and arrestin' our Puddin' without rhyme or reason.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs112.jpg" width="500" height="290" alt="" title="carrying the Puddin&#39; in his hat" />
+</div>
+
+<p>As they had arrived at the Court House at that moment, Bill was forced
+to smother his resentment for the time being. There was nobody in Court
+except the Judge and the Usher, who were seated on the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> bench having a
+quiet game of cards over a bottle of port.</p>
+
+<p>'Order in the Court,' shouted the Usher, as they all came crowding in;
+and the Judge, seeing the Constable carrying the Puddin' in his hat,
+said severely:</p>
+
+<p>'This won't do, you know; it's Contempt of Court, bringing your lunch
+here.'</p>
+
+<p>'An' it please you, My Lord,' said the Constable hurriedly, 'this here
+Puddin' has been arrested for pinching the Mayor.'</p>
+
+<p>'As a consequence of which, I see you've pinched the Puddin',' said the
+Judge facetiously. 'Dear me, what spirits I am in to-day, to be sure!'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs113.jpg" width="500" height="459" alt="" title="this here
+Puddin&#39; has been arrested" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p>'The felon has an aroma most dangerously suggestive of beef gravy,' said
+the Usher, solemnly.</p>
+
+<p>'Beef gravy?' said the Judge. 'Now, it seems to me that the aroma is
+much more subtly suggestive of steak and kidney.'</p>
+
+<p>'Garnished, I think, with onions,' said the Usher.</p>
+
+<p>'In order to settle this knotty point, just hand the felon up here a
+moment,' said the Judge. 'I don't suppose you've got a knife about you?'
+he asked.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs114.jpg" width="500" height="408" alt="" title="The felon has an aroma most dangerously suggestive of beef gravy" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'I've got a paper-knife,' said the Usher; and, the Puddin' having been
+handed up to the bench, the Judge and the Usher cut a slice each, and
+had another glass of port.</p>
+
+<p>Bill was naturally enraged at seeing total strangers eating
+Puddin'-owners' private property, and he called out loudly:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Common justice and the lawful rights of Puddin'-owners.'</p>
+
+<p>'Silence in the Court while the Judge is eating,' shouted the Usher; and
+the Judge said severely&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'I really think you ought<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To see I'm taking food,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So, Silence in the Court!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(I'm also taking port),<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">If you intrude, in manner rude,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A lesson you'll be taught.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'An' it please Your Lordship,' said the Mayor, pointing to Bill, 'this
+person is a brutal assaulter of people wearing top-hats.'</p>
+
+<p>'No insults,' said Bill, and he gave the Mayor a slap in the face.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs115.jpg" width="500" height="423" alt="" title="he gave the Mayor a slap in the face" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The Mayor went as pale as cheese, and the Usher called out: 'No
+face-slapping while the judge is dining!' and the Judge said, angrily&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'It's really far from nice,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As you ought to be aware,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While I am chewing a slice,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To have you slapping the Mayor.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If I have to complain of you again<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I'll commit you in a trice,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">You'd better take my advice;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Don't let me warn you twice.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'All very well for you to talk,' said Bill, scornfully, 'sittin' up
+there eatin' our Puddin'. I'm a respectable Puddin'-owner, an' I calls
+on you to hand over that Puddin' under threat of an action-at-law for
+wrongful imprisonment, trespass, and illegally using the same.'</p>
+
+<p>'Personal remarks to the Judge are not allowed,' shouted the Usher, and
+the Judge said solemnly&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'A Judge must be respected,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A Judge you mustn't knock,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or else you'll be detected<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And shoved into the dock.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">You'll get a nasty shock<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">When gaolers turn the lock.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In prison cell you'll give a yell<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To hear the hangman knock.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Here, the Usher took off his coat, as the day was warm, and hung it on
+the back of his chair. He then rapped on the bench and said&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'In the name of the Law I must request<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Less noise while we're having a well-earned rest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the Judge and the Usher never must shirk<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A well-earned rest in the middle of work.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's the duty of both they are well aware<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To preserve their precious lives with care;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's their duty, when feeling overwrought,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To preserve their lives with Puddin' and Port.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs117.jpg" width="500" height="422" alt="" title="A well-earned rest in the middle of work" />
+</div>
+
+<p>He sat down and tossed off a bumper of port to prove his words. 'Your
+deal, I think,' said the Judge, and they went on sipping and munching
+and dealing out cards. At this, Bill gave way to despair.</p>
+
+<p>'What on earth's to be done?' he asked. 'Here's these legal ferrets has
+got our Puddin' in their clutches, and here's us, spellbound with
+anguish, watchin' them wolfin' it. Here's a situation as would wring
+groans from the breast of a boiled onion.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, it's worse than droppin' soverins down a drain,' said Sam.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'It's worse than catchin' your whiskers in the mangle,' said Bill.</p>
+
+<p>By a fortunate chance, at this moment the Possum happened to put his
+snout within Bill's reach, and Bill hit it a swinging clout to relieve
+his feelings.</p>
+
+<p>'It's unlawful,' shouted the Possum, 'to hit a man's snout unexpectedly
+when he isn't engaged puddin'-stealing.'</p>
+
+<p>'Observe the rules,' said the Wombat solemnly. 'Be kind to snouts when
+not engaged in theft.'</p>
+
+<p>'If it hadn't been for you two tryin' to steal our Puddin' all this
+trouble wouldn't have happened,' said Bill.</p>
+
+<p>'It's the Mayor's fault for bringing us all here,' cried the Possum,
+angrily. 'If you was a just man, you'd clout him on the snout, too.'</p>
+
+<p>'The Mayor's to blame,' said the Wombat. 'What about the whole lot of us
+settin' on to him?'</p>
+
+<p>At this suggestion the Mayor trembled so violently that his hat fell
+off.</p>
+
+<p>'What dreadful words are these?' he asked, and the Constable said
+hurriedly, 'Never set on to the Mayor while the local Constable is
+present. Let that be your golden rule.'</p>
+
+<p>'That's all very well,' said Bill, 'but if you two hadn't come
+interferin' at the wrong moment, our Puddin' wouldn't have been
+arrested, and all this trouble wouldn't have happened. As you're
+responsible, the question now is, What are you going to do about it?'</p>
+
+<p>'My advice is,' said the Constable, impressively, 'resign yourselves to
+Fate.'</p>
+
+<p>'My advice,' said the Mayor in a low voice, 'is general expressions of
+esteem and friendship, hand-shaking all round, inquiries after each
+other's health, chatty remarks about the weather, the price of potatoes,
+and how well the onions are looking.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Bill treated these suggestions with scorn. 'If any man in the company
+has better advice to offer, let him stand forth,' said he.</p>
+
+<p>Bunyip Bluegum stood forth. 'My advice,' he said, 'is this: try the case
+without the Judge; or, in other words, assume the legal functions of
+this defaulting personage in the bag-wig who is at present engaged in
+distending himself illegally with our Puddin'. For mark how runs the
+axiom&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'If you've a case without a Judge,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's clear your case will never budge;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But if a Judge you have to face,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The chances are you'll lose your case.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To win your case, and save your pelf,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why, try the blooming case yourself!'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'As usual, our friend here solves the problem in a few well-chosen
+words,' said Bill, and preparations were made at once for trying the
+case. After a sharp struggle, in which it was found necessary to bend
+the Possum's snout severely in order to make him listen to reason, the
+puddin'-thieves were forced into the dock. Their top-hats and
+frock-coats were taken away, for fear the jury might take them for
+undertakers, and not scoundrels. The Mayor and the Constable were pushed
+into the jury box to perform the duties of twelve good men and true, and
+the others took seats about the Court as witnesses for the prosecution.</p>
+
+<p>There was some delay before the proceedings began, for Bill said,
+'Here's me, the Crown Prosecutor, without a wig. This'll never do.'
+Fortunately, a wig was found in the Judge's private room, and Bill put
+it on with great satisfaction.</p>
+
+<p>'I'm afraid this is unconstitutional,' said the Mayor to the Constable.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 439px;">
+<img src="images/gs120.jpg" width="439" height="500" alt="" title="this is unconstitutional" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'It is unconstitutional,' said the Constable; 'but it's better than
+getting a punch on the snout.'</p>
+
+<p>The Mayor turned so pale at this that the Constable had to thrust a
+banana into his mouth to restore his courage.</p>
+
+<p>'Thank you,' said the Mayor, peevishly; 'but, on the whole, I prefer to
+be restored with peeled bananas.'</p>
+
+<p>'Order in the jury box,' said Bill, sharply, and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> Mayor having
+hurriedly bolted his banana, peel and all, proceedings commenced.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs121.jpg" width="500" height="481" alt="" title="hurriedly bolted his banana" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Gentlemen of the Jury,' said Bill, 'the case before you is one
+aboundin' in horror and amazement. Persons of the lowest morals has
+disguised themselves in pot-hats in order to decoy a Puddin' of tender
+years from his lawful guardians. It is related in the archives of the
+Noble Order of Puddin'-owners that previous to this dastardly attempt a
+valuable bag, the property of Sir Benjimen Brandysnap, had been stolen
+and the said Puddin'-owners invited to look at a present inside it. The
+said bag was then pulled over their heads, compelling the Puddin'-owners
+aforesaid to endure agonies of partial suffocation, let alone walkin' on
+each other's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> corns for several hours. Had not Sir Benjimen, the noble
+owner, appeared like a guardian angel and undone the bag, it is doubtful
+if Sir Samuel Sawnoff's corns could have stood the strain much longer,
+his groans bein' such as would have brought tears to the eyes of a
+hard-boiled egg.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;">
+<img src="images/gs122.jpg" width="550" height="456" alt="" title="&#39;A very moving story,&#39;" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'A very moving story,' said the Constable, and the Mayor was so affected
+that the Constable had to stuff a banana into his mouth to prevent him
+bursting into tears.</p>
+
+<p>'I now propose to call Sir Benjimen Brandysnap as first witness for the
+prosecution,' said Bill. 'Kindly step into the witness-box, Sir
+Benjimen, and relate the circumstances ensuin' on your bag bein' stole.'</p>
+
+<p>Benjimen stepped into the box, and, taking a piece of paper from his egg
+basket, said solemnly: 'I was very busy that morning, Gentlemen of the
+Jury, owing to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> the activity of the vegetables, as hereunder described&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'On Tuesday morn, as it happened by chance,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The parsnips stormed in a rage,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Because the young carrots were singing like parrots<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On top of the onions' cage.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The radishes swarmed on the angry air<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Around with the bumble bees,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While the brussels-sprouts were pulling the snouts<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of all the young French peas.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The artichokes bounded up and down<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On top of the pumpkins' heads,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the cabbage was dancing the highland fling<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">All over the onion beds.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'So I hadn't much time, as Your Honour perceives,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For watching the habits of puddin'-thieves.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'Tut, tut, Sir Benjimen,' said Bill, 'stir up your memory, sir; cast
+your eye over them felons in the dock, and tell the Court how you seen
+them steal the bag.'</p>
+
+<p>'The fact is,' said Benjimen, after studying the puddin'-thieves
+carefully, 'as they had their backs turned to me when they were engaged
+in stealing the bag, I should be able to judge better if they were
+turned round.'</p>
+
+<p>'Officer,' said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum, 'kindly turn the felons' backs
+to the witness.'</p>
+
+<p>The Possum and the Wombat objected, saying there wasn't room enough in
+the witness-box to turn round, so it was found necessary to twist their
+snouts the opposite way.</p>
+
+<p>'From this aspect,' said Ben, 'I have no hesitation in saying that those
+are the backs that stole the bags.'</p>
+
+<p>'Make a note of that, Gentlemen of the Jury,' said Bill, and the
+Constable obligingly made a note of it on his banana bag.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'The identity of the bag-stealers bein' now settled,' went on Bill, 'I
+shall kindly ask Sir Benjimen to step down, and call on Sir Samuel
+Sawnoff to ascend the witness-box.'</p>
+
+<p>Sam stepped up cheerfully, but, as the witness-box was the wrong size
+for Penguins, they had to hand him a chair to stand on.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 416px;">
+<img src="images/gs124.jpg" width="416" height="500" alt="" title="The identity of the bag-stealers bein&#39; now settled" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Now, Sir Samuel,' said Bill, impressively, 'I am about to ask you a
+most important leadin' question.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> Do you happen to notice such a thing
+as a Puddin' in the precinks of the Court?'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 440px;">
+<img src="images/gs125.jpg" width="440" height="550" alt="" title="Sam shaded his eyes with his flapper" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Sam shaded his eyes with his flapper and, seeing the Puddin' on the
+bench, started back dramatically.</p>
+
+<p>'Do my eyes deceive me, or is yon object a Puddin'?' he cried.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Well acted,' said the Mayor, and the Constable clapped loudly.</p>
+
+<p>'I am now about to ask you another leadin' question,' said Bill. 'Do you
+recognize that Puddin'?'</p>
+
+<p>'Do I recognize that Puddin'?' cried Sam in thrilling tones. 'That
+Puddin', sir, is dearer to me than an Uncle. That Puddin', sir, an' me
+has registered vows of eternal friendship and esteem.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 312px;">
+<img src="images/gs126.jpg" width="312" height="450" alt="" title="That Puddin&#39;, sir, an&#39; me have sailed the seas" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'That Puddin', sir, an' me have sailed the seas,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Known tropic suns, and braved the Arctic breeze,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We've heard on Popocatepetl's peak<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The savage Tom-Tom sharpenin' of his beak,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We've served the dreadful Jim-Jam up on toast,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When shipwrecked off the Coromandel coast,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And when we heard the frightful Bim-Bam rave,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Have plunged beneath the Salonican wave.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We've delved for Bulbuls' eggs on coral strands,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And chased the Pompeydon in distant lands.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That Puddin', sir, and me, has, back to back,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Withstood the fearful Rumty Tums' attack,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And swum the Indian Ocean for our lives,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pursued by Oysters, armed with oyster knives.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let me but say, e'er these adventures cloy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've knowed that Puddin' since he were a boy.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs127.jpg" width="500" height="391" alt="" title="And swum the Indian Ocean for our lives" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'All lies,' sang out the Puddin', looking over the rim of his basin.
+'For well you know that you and old Bill Barnacle collared me off Curry
+and Rice after rolling him off the iceberg.'</p>
+
+<p>'Albert, Albert,' said Bill, sternly. 'Where's your manners:
+interruptin' Sir Samuel in that rude way, and him a-performin' like an
+actor for your deliverance!'</p>
+
+<p>'How much longer do you expect me to stay up here, bein' guzzled by
+these legal land-crabs?' demanded the Puddin'.</p>
+
+<p>'You shall stay there, Albert, till the case is well and truly tried by
+these here noble Peers of the Realm assembled,' said Bill, impressively.</p>
+
+<p>'Too much style about you,' said the Puddin', rudely, and he threw the
+Judge's glass of port into Bill's face, remarking: 'Take that, for being
+a pumpkin-headed old shellback.'</p>
+
+<p>There was a great uproar over this very illegal act. The Judge was
+enraged at losing his port, and the Mayor was filled with horror because
+Bill wiped his face on the mayoral hat. Sam had to feign amazement<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> at
+being called a liar, and the puddin'-thieves kept shouting: 'Time, time;
+we can't stand here all day.'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 296px;">
+<img src="images/gs128.jpg" width="296" height="500" alt="" title="I call on
+Detective Bluegum to restore order" />
+</div>
+
+<p>In desperation, Bill bawled at the top of his voice: 'I call on
+Detective Bluegum to restore order in the Court.'</p>
+
+<p>Bunyip ran into the witness-box and, with a ready wit, shouted: 'I have
+dreadful news to impart to this honourable Court.'</p>
+
+<p>All eyes, of course, turned on Bunyip, who, raising his hand with an
+impressive gesture, said in thrilling<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> tones: 'From information
+received, it has been discovered that the Puddin' was poisoned at
+ten-thirty this morning.'</p>
+
+<p>This news restored order at once. The Judge turned pale as lard, and the
+Usher, having a darker complexion, turned as pale as soap. The Puddin'
+couldn't turn pale, so he let out a howl of terror.</p>
+
+<p>'Poisoned,' said the Usher, feebly. 'How, how?'</p>
+
+<p>'Poisoned,' said the Judge, feeling his stomach with trembling hands.
+'Until this moment I was under the delusion that a somewhat unpleasant
+sensation of being, as it were, distended, was merely due to having
+eaten seven slices. But if&mdash;'</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/gs129.jpg" width="500" height="447" alt="" title="&#39;Poisoned,&#39; said the Judge" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'If,' said the Usher, in a quavering voice<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'If you take a poisoned Puddin'<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And that poisoned Puddin' chew<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The sensations that you suffer<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I should rather say were due<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the poison in the Puddin'<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In the act of Poisoning You.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And I think the fact suffices<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Through this dreadfulest of crimes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As you've eaten seven slices<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">You've been poisoned seven times.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'It was your idea having it up on the bench,' said the Judge, angrily,
+to the Usher. 'Now,</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'If what you say is true,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That idea you'll sadly rue,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The poison I have eaten is entirely due to you.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's by taking your advice<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That I've had my seventh slice,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So I'll tell you what I'll do<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why, I'll beat you black and blue,'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and with that he hit the Usher a smart crack on the head with a port
+bottle.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't strike a poisoned man,' shouted the Usher; but the Judge went on
+smacking and cracking him with the bottle, singing&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The emotion of pity<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Need never be sought<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In a Judge who's been poisoned<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">By Puddin' and Port.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>In desperation, the Usher leapt off the bench, and landed head first in
+the dock, where he stuck like a sardine.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 471px;">
+<img src="images/gs131.jpg" width="471" height="550" alt="" title="Crowding in here where there&#39;s only room for two" />
+</div>
+
+<p>'Too bad, too bad,' shouted the puddin'-thieves. 'Crowding in here where
+there's only room for two.' Before they could get rid of the Usher, the
+Judge bounded over the bench and commenced whacking them with the
+bottle, singing&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'As I find great satisfaction<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Hitting anybody who<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Can offer that distraction,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Why, I'll have a go at you,'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></div></div>
+<p>and he went on bounding and whacking away with the bottle, while the
+puddin'-thieves kept roaring, and the Usher kept screaming. The uproar
+was deafening.</p>
+
+<p>'Just listen to it,' said Bill, in despair. 'I'd like to know how on
+earth we are going to finish the case with all this umptydoodle rumpus
+going on.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why,' said Bunyip, 'the simpler course is not to finish the case at
+all.'</p>
+
+<p>'Solved, as usual,' said Bill and, seizing the Puddin' from the bench,
+he dashed out of Court, followed by Sam, Ben, and Bunyip Bluegum.</p>
+
+<p>As they ran they could hear the Judge still whacking away at everybody,
+including the Mayor, and the Constable, whose screams were piercing.
+'Indeed,' said Bunyip&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'I rather think they'll rather rue<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The haste with which they sought to sue<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Us, in the Court of Tooraloo.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For, mark how just is Fate!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'The whole benighted, blooming crew,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Puddin'-thieves, the Usher too,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are being beaten black and blue<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With bottles on the pate.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'I rather think they will eschew,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In future, Puddin'-owners who<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pass through the simple rural view<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">About the town of Tooraloo.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>'And now,' said Bill, when they had run a mile or two beyond the town,
+'and now for some brilliant plan, swiftly conceived, which will put a
+stop to this Puddin'-snatchin' business for ever. For the point is,'
+continued Bill, lowering his voice, 'here we are pretty close up to the
+end of the book, and something will have to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> done in a Tremendous
+Hurry, or else we'll be cut off short by the cover.'</p>
+
+<p>'The solution is perfectly simple,' said Bunyip. 'We have merely to stop
+wandering along the road, and the story will stop wandering through the
+book. This, too, will baffle the puddin'-thieves, for while we wander
+along the road, our Puddin' is exposed to the covetous glances of every
+passing puddin'-snatcher. Let us, then, remove to some safe, secluded
+spot and settle down to a life of gaiety, dance, and song, where no
+puddin'-thief will dare to show a sacrilegious head. Let us, in fact,
+build a house in a tree. For, mark the advantages of such a habitation&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Up on high<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No neighbours pry<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In at the window,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On the sly.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Up in a tree<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You're always free<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">From bores and bailiffs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You'll agree.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Up on high<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Bricks you shy<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">At bores and bailiffs<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Passing by.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Up in the leaves<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One never grieves<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Over the pranks<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of puddin'-thieves.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'If you would be<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Gay and free,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Take my tip and<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Live in a tree.'<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<p>'We will, we will,' shouted the Puddin'-owners; but the Puddin' said
+sourly: 'This is all very well, all this high falutin'. But what about
+the dreadful news of being poisoned at ten-thirty this morning?'</p>
+
+<p>'You ain't poisoned, Albert,' said Bill. 'That was only a mere <i>ruse de
+guerre</i>, as they say in the noosepapers.'</p>
+
+<p>'A what?' demanded the Puddin', suspiciously.</p>
+
+<p>'Let words be sufficient, without explanation,' said Bill, severely.
+'And as we haven't time to waste talkin' philosophy to a Puddin', why,
+into the bag he goes, or we'll never get the story finished.'</p>
+
+<p>So Puddin' was bundled into the bag, and Bill said, hurriedly:
+'Brilliant as our friend Bunyip had proved himself with his ready wit,
+it remains for old Bill to suggest the brightest idea of all. Here is
+our friend Ben, a market gardener of the finest description. Very well.
+Why not build our house in his market garden. The advantages are
+obvious. Vegetables free of charge the whole year round, and fruit in
+season. Eggs to be had for the askin', and a fine, simple, honest feller
+like Ben, to chat to of an evening. What could be more delightful?'</p>
+
+<p>Ben looked very grave at this proposal and began: 'I very much doubt
+whether there will be enough bed clothes for four people, let alone the
+carrots are very nervous of strangers&mdash;' when Bill cut him short with a
+hearty clap on the back.</p>
+
+<p>'Say no more,' said Bill, handsomely. 'Rough, good-humoured fellers like
+us don't need apologies, or any social fal-lals at all. We'll take you
+as we find you. Without more ado, we shall build a house in your market
+garden.'</p>
+
+<p>And, without more ado, they did.</p>
+
+<p>The picture overleaf saves the trouble of explaining how they built it,
+and what a splendid house it is. In<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> order that the Puddin' might have
+plenty of exercise, they made him a little Puddin' paddock, whence he
+can shout rude remarks to the people passing by; a habit, I grieve to
+state, he is very prone to.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 556px;">
+<img src="images/gs135.jpg" width="556" height="650" alt="" title="what a splendid house it is" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Of course, at night they pull up the ladder in case a stray
+puddin'-thief happens to be prowling around. If a friend calls to have a
+quiet chat, or to join in a sing-song round the fire, they let the
+ladder down for him.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And a very pleasant life they lead, sitting of a summer evening on the
+balcony while Ben does his little market-garden jobs below, and the
+Puddin' throws bits of bark at the cabbages, and pulls faces at the
+little pickle onions, in order to make them squeak with terror.</p>
+
+<p>On winter nights there is always Puddin' and hot coffee for supper, and
+many's the good go in I've had up there, a-sitting round the fire.</p>
+
+<p>I didn't mean to let on that I knew their address, on account of so many
+people wanting to have a go at the Puddin'. However, it's out now.</p>
+
+<p>When the wind blows and the rain comes down, it's jolly sitting up aloft
+in the snug tree-house, especially when old Bill is in good form and
+gives us the <i>Salt Junk Sarah</i>, with all hands joining in the chorus.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Oh, rolling round the ocean,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">From a far and foreign land,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">May suit the common notion<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That a sailor's life is grand.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'But as for me, I'd sooner be<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A-roaring here at home<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">About the rolling, roaring life<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of them that sails the foam.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'For the homeward-bounder's chorus,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Which he roars across the foam,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is all about chucking a sailor's life,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And settling down at home.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Home, home, home,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That's the song of them that roam,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The song of the roaring, rolling sea<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is all about rolling home.'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Magic Pudding, by Norman Lindsay
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,3418 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Magic Pudding, by Norman Lindsay
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Magic Pudding
+
+Author: Norman Lindsay
+
+Release Date: November 26, 2007 [EBook #23625]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MAGIC PUDDING ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Shell, Janet Blenkinship and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  _The_
+  MAGIC PUDDING
+
+  _Written and Illustrated by_
+  NORMAN LINDSAY
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  DOVER PUBLICATIONS, INC.
+  Mineola, New York
+
+_Bibliographical Note_
+
+This Dover edition, first published in 2006, is an unabridged
+republication of the work published by Angus and Robertson, Ltd.,
+Sydney, Australia, in 1918.
+
+_International Standard Book Number: 0-486-45281-6_
+
+  Manufactured in the United States of America
+  Dover Publications, Inc., 31 East 2nd Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+First Slice
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This is a frontways view of Bunyip Bluegum and his Uncle Wattleberry. At
+a glance you can see what a fine, round, splendid fellow Bunyip Bluegum
+is, without me telling you. At a second glance you can see that the
+Uncle is more square than round, and that his face has whiskers on it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Looked at sideways you can still see what a splendid fellow Bunyip is,
+though you can only see one of his Uncle's whiskers.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Observed from behind, however, you completely lose sight of the
+whiskers, and so fail to realize how immensely important they are. In
+fact, these very whiskers were the chief cause of Bunyip's leaving home
+to see the world, for, as he often said to himself--
+
+  'Whiskers alone are bad enough
+  Attached to faces coarse and rough;
+  But how much greater their offence is
+  When stuck on Uncles' countenances.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The plain truth was that Bunyip and his Uncle lived in a small house in
+a tree, and there was no room for the whiskers. What was worse, the
+whiskers were red, and they blew about in the wind, and Uncle
+Wattleberry would insist on bringing them to the dinner table with him,
+where they got in the soup.
+
+Bunyip Bluegum was a tidy bear, and he objected to whisker soup, so he
+was forced to eat his meals outside, which was awkward, and besides,
+lizards came and borrowed his soup.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+His Uncle refused to listen to reason on the subject of his whiskers. It
+was quite useless giving him hints, such as presents of razors, and
+scissors, and boxes of matches to burn them off. On such occasions he
+would remark--
+
+  'Shaving may add an air that's somewhat brisker,
+  For dignity, commend me to the whisker.'
+
+Or, when more deeply moved, he would exclaim--
+
+  'As noble thoughts the inward being grace,
+  So noble whiskers dignify the face.'
+
+Prayers and entreaties to remove the whiskers being of no avail, Bunyip
+decided to leave home without more ado.
+
+The trouble was that he couldn't make up his mind whether to be a
+Traveller or a Swagman. You can't go about the world being nothing, but
+if you are a traveller you have to carry a bag, while if you are a
+swagman you have to carry a swag, and the question is: Which is the
+heavier?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+At length he decided to put the matter before Egbert Rumpus Bumpus, the
+poet, and ask his advice. He found Egbert busy writing poems on a slate.
+He was so busy that he only had time to sing out--
+
+  'Don't interrupt the poet, friend,
+  Until his poem's at an end.'
+
+and went on writing harder than ever. He wrote all down one side of the
+slate and all up the other, and then remarked--
+
+  'As there's no time to finish that,
+  The time has come to have our chat.
+  Be quick, my friend, your business state,
+  Before I take another slate.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'The fact is,' said the Bunyip, 'I have decided to see the world, and I
+cannot make up my mind whether to be a Traveller or a Swagman. Which
+would you advise?'
+
+Then said the Poet--
+
+  'As you've no bags it's plain to see
+  A traveller you cannot be;
+  And as a swag you haven't either
+  You cannot be a swagman neither.
+  For travellers must carry bags,
+  And swagmen have to hump their swags
+    Like bottle-ohs or ragmen.
+  As you have neither swag nor bag
+  You must remain a simple wag,
+    And not a swag- or bagman.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Dear me,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'I never thought of that. What must I do
+in order to see the world without carrying swags or bags?'
+
+The Poet thought deeply, put on his eyeglass, and said impressively--
+
+  'Take my advice, don't carry bags,
+  For bags are just as bad as swags;
+    They're never made to measure.
+  To see the world, your simple trick
+  Is but to take a walking-stick--
+    Assume an air of pleasure,
+  And tell the people near and far
+  You stroll about because you are
+    A Gentleman of Leisure.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'You have solved the problem,' said Bunyip Bluegum, and, wringing his
+friend's hand, he ran straight home, took his Uncle's walking-stick, and
+assuming an air of pleasure, set off to see the world.
+
+He found a great many things to see, such as dandelions, and ants, and
+traction engines, and bolting horses, and furniture being removed,
+besides being kept busy raising his hat, and passing the time of day
+with people on the road, for he was a very well-bred young fellow,
+polite in his manners, graceful in his attitudes, and able to converse
+on a great variety of subjects, having read all the best Australian
+poets.
+
+Unfortunately, in the hurry of leaving home, he had forgotten to
+provide himself with food, and at lunch time found himself attacked by
+the pangs of hunger.
+
+'Dear me,' he said, 'I feel quite faint. I had no idea that one's
+stomach was so important. I have everything I require, except food; but
+without food everything is rather less than nothing.
+
+  'I've got a stick to walk with.
+  I've got a mind to think with.
+  I've got a voice to talk with.
+  I've got an eye to wink with.
+  I've lots of teeth to eat with,
+  A brand new hat to bow with,
+  A pair of fists to beat with,
+  A rage to have a row with.
+  No joy it brings
+    To have indeed
+  A lot of things
+    One does not need.
+  Observe my doleful plight.
+    For here am I without a crumb
+    To satisfy a raging tum--
+  O what an oversight!'
+
+As he was indulging in these melancholy reflexions he came round a bend
+in the road, and discovered two people in the very act of having lunch.
+These people were none other than Bill Barnacle, the sailor, and his
+friend, Sam Sawnoff, the penguin bold.
+
+Bill was a small man with a large hat, a beard half as large as his hat,
+and feet half as large as his beard. Sam Sawnoff's feet were sitting
+down and his body was standing up, because his feet were so short and
+his body so long that he had to do both together. They had a pudding in
+a basin, and the smell that arose from it was so delightful that Bunyip
+Bluegum was quite unable to pass on.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Excuse me,' he said, raising his hat, 'but am I right in supposing that
+this is a steak-and-kidney pudding?'
+
+'At present it is,' said Bill Barnacle.
+
+'It smells delightful,' said Bunyip Bluegum.
+
+'It is delightful,' said Bill, eating a large mouthful.
+
+Bunyip Bluegum was too much of a gentleman to invite himself to lunch,
+but he said carelessly, 'Am I right in supposing that there are onions
+in this pudding?'
+
+Before Bill could reply, a thick, angry voice came out of the pudding,
+saying--
+
+  'Onions, bunions, corns and crabs,
+  Whiskers, wheels and hansom cabs,
+  Beef and bottles, beer and bones,
+  Give him a feed and end his groans.'
+
+'Albert, Albert,' said Bill to the Puddin', 'where's your manners?'
+
+'Where's yours?' said the Puddin' rudely, 'guzzling away there, and
+never so much as offering this stranger a slice.'
+
+'There you are,' said Bill. 'There's nothing this Puddin' enjoys more
+than offering slices of himself to strangers.'
+
+'How very polite of him,' said Bunyip, but the Puddin' replied loudly--
+
+  'Politeness be sugared, politeness be hanged,
+  Politeness be jumbled and tumbled and banged.
+  It's simply a matter of putting on pace,
+  Politeness has nothing to do with the case.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Always anxious to be eaten,' said Bill, 'that's this Puddin's mania.
+Well, to oblige him, I ask you to join us at lunch.'
+
+'Delighted, I'm sure,' said Bunyip, seating himself. 'There's nothing I
+enjoy more than a good go in at steak-and-kidney pudding in the open
+air.'
+
+'Well said,' remarked Sam Sawnoff, patting him on the back. 'Hearty
+eaters are always welcome.'
+
+'You'll enjoy this Puddin',' said Bill, handing him a large slice. 'This
+is a very rare Puddin'.'
+
+'It's a cut-an'-come-again Puddin',' said Sam.
+
+'It's a Christmas, steak, and apple-dumpling Puddin',' said Bill.
+
+'It's a--Shall I tell him?' he asked, looking at Bill. Bill nodded, and
+the Penguin leaned across to Bunyip Bluegum and said in a low voice,
+'It's a Magic Puddin'.'
+
+'No whispering,' shouted the Puddin' angrily. 'Speak up. Don't strain a
+Puddin's ears at the meal table.'
+
+'No harm intended, Albert,' said Sam, 'I was merely remarking how well
+the crops are looking. Call him Albert when addressing him,' he added to
+Bunyip Bluegum. 'It soothes him.'
+
+'I am delighted to make your acquaintance, Albert,' said Bunyip.
+
+'No soft soap from total strangers,' said the Puddin', rudely.
+
+'Don't take no notice of him, mate,' said Bill. 'That's only his rough
+and ready way. What this Puddin' requires is politeness and constant
+eatin'.'
+
+They had a delightful meal, eating as much as possible, for whenever
+they stopped eating the Puddin' sang out--
+
+  'Eat away, chew away, munch and bolt and guzzle,
+  Never leave the table till you're full up to the muzzle.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But at length they had to stop, in spite of these encouraging remarks,
+and, as they refused to eat any more, the Puddin' got out of his basin,
+remarking--'If you won't eat any more here's giving you a run for the
+sake of exercise', and he set off so swiftly on a pair of extremely thin
+legs that Bill had to run like an antelope to catch him up.
+
+'My word,' said Bill, when the Puddin' was brought back. 'You have to be
+as smart as paint to keep this Puddin' in order. He's that artful,
+lawyers couldn't manage him. Put your hat on, Albert, like a little
+gentleman,' he added, placing the basin on his head. He took the
+Puddin's hand, Sam took the other, and they all set off along the road.
+A peculiar thing about the Puddin' was that, though they had all had a
+great many slices off him, there was no sign of the place whence the
+slices had been cut.
+
+'That's where the Magic comes in,' explained Bill. 'The more you eats
+the more you gets. Cut-an'-come-again is his name, an' cut, an' come
+again, is his nature. Me an' Sam has been eatin' away at this Puddin'
+for years, and there's not a mark on him. Perhaps,' he added, 'you would
+like to hear how we came to own this remarkable Puddin'.'
+
+'Nothing would please me more,' said Bunyip Bluegum.
+
+'In that case,' said Bill, 'let her go for a song.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'Ho, the cook of the _Saucy Sausage_,
+    Was a feller called Curry and Rice,
+  A son of a gun as fat as a tun
+  With a face as round as a hot-cross bun,
+    Or a barrel, to be precise.
+
+  'One winter's morn we rounds the Horn,
+    A-rollin' homeward bound.
+  We strikes on the ice, goes down in a trice,
+  And all on board but Curry and Rice
+    And me an' Sam is drowned.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'For Sam an' me an' the cook, yer see,
+    We climbs on a lump of ice,
+  And there in the sleet we suffered a treat
+  For several months from frozen feet,
+  With nothin' at all but ice to eat,
+    And ice does not suffice.
+
+  'And Sam and me we couldn't agree
+    With the cook at any price.
+  We was both as thin as a piece of tin
+  While that there cook was busting his skin
+    On nothin' to eat but ice.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'Says Sam to me, "It's a mystery
+    More deep than words can utter;
+  Whatever we do, here's me an' you,
+  Us both as thin as Irish stoo,
+    While he's as fat as butter."
+
+  'But late one night we wakes in fright
+    To see by a pale blue flare,
+  That cook has got in a phantom pot
+  A big plum-duff an' a rump-steak hot,
+  And the guzzlin' wizard is eatin' the lot,
+    On top of the iceberg bare.'
+
+'There's a verse left out here,' said Bill, stopping the song, 'owin' to
+the difficulty of explainin' exactly what happened, when me and Sam
+discovered the deceitful nature of that cook. The next verse is as
+follows--
+
+  'Now Sam an' me can never agree
+    What happened to Curry and Rice.
+  The whole affair is shrouded in doubt,
+  For the night was dark and the flare went out,
+  And all we heard was a startled shout,
+  Though I think meself, in the subsequent rout,
+  That us bein' thin, an' him bein' stout,
+  In the middle of pushin' an' shovin' about,
+    He--MUST HAVE FELL OFF THE ICE.'
+
+'That won't do, you know,' began the Puddin', but Sam said hurriedly,
+'It was very dark, and there's no sayin' at this date what happened.'
+
+'Yes there is,' said the Puddin', 'for I had my eye on the whole affair,
+and it's my belief that if he hadn't been so round you'd have never
+rolled him off the iceberg, for you was both singin' out "Yo heave Ho"
+for half an hour, an' him trying to hold on to Bill's beard.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'In the haste of the moment,' said Bill, 'he may have got a bit of a
+shove, for the ice bein' slippy, and us bein' justly enraged, and him
+bein' as round as a barrel, he may, as I said, have been too fat to save
+himself from rollin' off the iceberg. The point, however, is immaterial
+to our story, which concerns this Puddin'; and this Puddin',' said Bill
+patting him on the basin, 'was the very Puddin' that Curry and Rice
+invented on the iceberg.'
+
+'He must have been a very clever cook,' said Bunyip.
+
+'He was, poor feller, he was,' said Bill, greatly affected. 'For plum
+duff or Irish stoo there wasn't his equal in the land. But enough of
+these sad subjects. Pausin' only to explain that me an' Sam got off the
+iceberg on a homeward bound chicken coop, landed on Tierra del Fuego,
+walked to Valparaiso, and so got home, I will proceed to enliven the
+occasion with "The Ballad of the Bo'sun's Bride".'
+
+And without more ado, Bill, who had one of those beef-and-thunder
+voices, roared out--
+
+  'Ho, aboard the _Salt Junk Sarah_
+    We was rollin' homeward bound,
+  When the bo'sun's bride fell over the side
+    And very near got drowned.
+  Rollin' home, rollin' home,
+  Rollin' home across the foam,
+    She had to swim to save her glim
+  And catch us rollin' home.'
+
+It was a very long song, so the rest of it is left out here, but there
+was a great deal of rolling and roaring in it, and they all joined in
+the chorus. They were all singing away at the top of their pipe, as Bill
+called it, when round a bend in the road they came on two low-looking
+persons hiding behind a tree. One was a Possum, with one of those sharp,
+snooting, snouting sort of faces, and the other was a bulbous,
+boozy-looking Wombat in an old long-tailed coat, and a hat that marked
+him down as a man you couldn't trust in the fowlyard. They were busy
+sharpening up a carving knife on a portable grind-stone, but the moment
+they caught sight of the travellers the Possum whipped the knife behind
+him and the Wombat put his hat over the grindstone.
+
+Bill Barnacle flew into a passion at these signs of treachery.
+
+'I see you there,' he shouted.
+
+'You can't see all of us,' shouted the Possum, and the Wombat added,
+''Cause why, some of us is behind the tree.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Bill led the others aside, in order to hold a consultation.
+
+'What on earth's to be done?' he said.
+
+'We shall have to fight them, as usual,' said Sam.
+
+'Why do you have to fight them?' asked Bunyip Bluegum.
+
+'Because they're after our Puddin',' said Bill.
+
+'They're after our Puddin',' explained Sam, 'because they're
+professional puddin'-thieves.'
+
+'And as we're perfessional Puddin'-owners,' said Bill, 'we have to fight
+them on principle. The fighting,' he added, 'is a mere flea-bite, as the
+sayin' goes. The trouble is, what's to be done with the Puddin'?'
+
+'While you do the fighting,' said Bunyip bravely, 'I shall mind the
+Puddin'.'
+
+'The trouble is,' said Bill, 'that this is a very secret, crafty
+Puddin', an' if you wasn't up to his game he'd be askin' you to look at
+a spider an' then run away while your back is turned.'
+
+'That's right,' said the Puddin', gloomily. 'Take a Puddin's character
+away. Don't mind his feelings.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'We don't mind your feelin's, Albert,' said Bill. 'What we minds is your
+treacherous 'abits.' But Bunyip Bluegum said, 'Why not turn him
+upside-down and sit on him?'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'What a brutal suggestion,' said the Puddin'; but no notice was taken of
+his objections, and as soon as he was turned safely upside-down, Bill
+and Sam ran straight at the puddin'-thieves and commenced sparring up at
+them with the greatest activity.
+
+'Put 'em up, ye puddin'-snatchers,' shouted Bill. 'Don't keep us
+sparrin' up here all day. Come out an' take your gruel while you've got
+the chance.'
+
+The Possum wished to turn the matter off by saying, 'I see the price of
+eggs has gone up again', but Bill gave him a punch on the snout that
+bent it like a carrot, and Sam caught the Wombat such a flip with his
+flapper that he gave in at once.
+
+'I shan't be able to fight any more this afternoon,' said the Wombat,
+'as I've got sore feet.' The Possum said hurriedly, 'We shall be late
+for that appointment', and they took their grindstone and off they went.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But when they were a safe distance away the Possum sang out: 'You'll
+repent this conduct. You'll repent bending a man's snout so that he can
+hardly see over it, let alone breathe through it with comfort', and the
+Wombat added, 'For shame, flapping a man with sore feet.'
+
+'We laugh with scorn at threats,' said Bill, and he added as a warning--
+
+  'I don't repent a snout that's bent,
+    And if again I tap it,
+  Oh, with a clout I'll bend that snout
+    With force enough to snap it.'
+
+and Sam added for the Wombat's benefit--
+
+  'I take no shame to fight the lame
+  When they deserve to cop it.
+  So do not try to pipe your eye,
+  Or with my flip I'll flop it.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The puddin'-thieves disappeared over the hill and, as the evening
+happened to come down rather suddenly at that moment, Bill said,
+'Business bein' over for the day, now's the time to set about makin' the
+camp fire.'
+
+This was a welcome suggestion, for, as all travellers know, if you don't
+sit by a camp fire in the evening, you have to sit by nothing in the
+dark, which is a most unsociable way of spending your time. They found a
+comfortable nook under the hedge, where there were plenty of dry leaves
+to rest on, and there they built a fire, and put the billy on, and made
+tea. The tea and sugar and three tin cups and half a pound of mixed
+biscuits were brought out of the bag by Sam, while Bill cut slices of
+steak-and-kidney from the Puddin'. After that they had boiled jam-roll
+and apple-dumpling, as the fancy took them, for if you wanted a change
+of food from the Puddin', all you had to do was to whistle twice and
+turn the basin round.
+
+After they had eaten as much as they wanted, the things were put away in
+the bag, and they settled down comfortably for the evening.
+
+'This is what I call grand,' said Bill, cutting up his tobacco.
+'Full-and-plenty to eat, pipes goin' and the evenin's enjoyment before
+us. Tune up on the mouth-organ, Sam, an' off she goes with a song.'
+
+They had a mouth-organ in the bag which they took turns at playing, and
+Bill led off with a song which he said was called--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+SPANISH GOLD
+
+  'When I was young I used to hold
+    I'd run away to sea,
+  And be a Pirate brave and bold
+    On the coast of Caribbee.
+
+  'For I sez to meself, "I'll fill me hold
+  With Spanish silver and Spanish gold,
+  And out of every ship I sink
+  I'll collar the best of food and drink.
+
+  '"For Caribbee, or Barbaree,
+  Or the shores of South Amerikee
+  Are all the same to a Pirate bold,
+  Whose thoughts are fixed on Spanish gold."
+
+  'So one fine day I runs away
+    A Pirate for to be;
+  But I found there was never a Pirate left
+    On the coast of Caribbee.
+
+  'For Pirates go, but their next of kin
+  Are Merchant Captains, hard as sin,
+  And Merchant Mates as hard as nails
+  Aboard of every ship that sails.
+
+  'And I worked aloft and I worked below,
+  I worked wherever I had to go,
+  And the winds blew hard and the winds blew cold,
+  And I sez to meself as the ship she rolled,
+
+  '"O Caribbee! O Barbaree!
+  O shores of South Amerikee!
+  O, never go there: if the truth be told,
+  You'll get more kicks than Spanish gold."'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'And that's the truth, mate,' said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum. 'There ain't
+no pirates nowadays at sea, except western ocean First Mates, and many's
+the bootin' I've had for not takin' in the slack of the topsail halyards
+fast enough to suit their fancy. It's a hard life, the sea, and Sam
+here'll bear me out when I say that bein' hit on the head with a
+belayin' pin while tryin' to pick up the weather earing is an
+experience that no man wants twice. But toon up, and a song all round.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'I shall sing you the "Penguin Bold",' said Sam, and, striking a
+graceful attitude, he sang this song--
+
+  'To see the penguin out at sea,
+    And watch how he behaves,
+  Would prove that penguins cannot be
+    And never shall be slaves.
+  You haven't got a notion
+  How penguins brave the ocean
+    And laugh with scorn at waves.
+
+  'To see the penguin at his ease
+    Performing fearful larks
+  With stingarees of all degrees,
+    As well as whales and sharks;
+  The sight would quickly let you know
+  The great contempt that penguins show
+    For stingarees and sharks.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'O see the penguin as he goes
+    A-turning Catherine wheels,
+  Without repose upon the nose
+    Of walruses and seals.
+  But bless your heart, a penguin feels
+  Supreme contempt for foolish seals,
+    While he never fails, where'er he goes,
+    To turn back-flaps on a walrus nose.'
+
+'It's all very fine,' said the Puddin' gloomily, 'singing about the joys
+of being penguins and pirates, but how'd you like to be a Puddin' and be
+eaten all day long?'
+
+And in a very gruff voice he sang as follows:--
+
+  'O, who would be a puddin',
+    A puddin' in a pot,
+  A puddin' which is stood on
+    A fire which is hot?
+  O sad indeed the lot
+  Of puddin's in a pot.
+
+  'I wouldn't be a puddin'
+    If I could be a bird,
+  If I could be a wooden
+    Doll, I would'n say a word.
+  Yes, I have often heard
+  It's grand to be a bird.
+
+  'But as I am a puddin',
+    A puddin' in a pot,
+  I hope you get the stomach ache
+    For eatin' me a lot.
+  I hope you get it hot,
+  You puddin'-eatin' lot!'
+
+'Very well sung, Albert,' said Bill encouragingly, 'though you're a
+trifle husky in your undertones, which is no doubt due to the gravy in
+your innards. However, as a reward for bein' a bright little feller we
+shall have a slice of you all round before turnin' in for the night.'
+
+So they whistled up the plum-duff side of the Puddin', and had supper.
+When that was done, Bill stood up and made a speech to Bunyip Bluegum.
+
+'I am now about to put before you an important proposal,' said Bill.
+'Here you are, a young intelligent feller, goin' about seein' the world
+by yourself. Here is Sam an' me, two as fine fellers as ever walked,
+goin' about the world with a Puddin'. My proposal to you is--Join us,
+and become a member of the Noble Society of Puddin'-owners. The duties
+of the Society,' went on Bill, 'are light. The members are required to
+wander along the roads, indulgin' in conversation, song and story,
+eatin' at regular intervals at the Puddin'. And now, what's your
+answer?'
+
+'My answer,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'is, Done with you.' And, shaking
+hands warmly all round, they loudly sang--
+
+THE PUDDIN'-OWNERS' ANTHEM
+
+  'The solemn word is plighted,
+    The solemn tale is told,
+  We swear to stand united,
+    Three puddin'-owners bold.
+
+  'When we with rage assemble,
+  Let puddin'-snatchers groan;
+  Let puddin'-burglars tremble,
+    They'll ne'er our puddin' own.
+
+  'Hurrah for puddin'-owning,
+    Hurrah for Friendship's hand,
+  The puddin'-thieves are groaning
+    To see our noble band.
+
+  'Hurrah, we'll stick together,
+    And always bear in mind
+  To eat our puddin' gallantly,
+    Whenever we're inclined.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Having given three rousing cheers, they shook hands once more and turned
+in for the night. After such a busy day, walking, talking, fighting,
+singing, and eating puddin', they were all asleep in a pig's whisper.
+
+
+
+
+Second Slice
+
+
+The Society of Puddin'-owners were up bright and early next morning, and
+had the billy on and tea made before six o'clock, which is the best part
+of the day, because the world has just had his face washed, and the air
+smells like Pears' soap.
+
+'Aha,' said Bill Barnacle, cutting up slices of the Puddin', 'this is
+what I call grand. Here we are, after a splendid night's sleep on dry
+leaves, havin' a smokin' hot slice of steak-and-kidney for breakfast
+round the camp fire. What could be more delightful?'
+
+'What indeed?' said Bunyip Bluegum sipping tea.
+
+'Why, as I always say,' said Bill, 'if there's one thing more entrancin'
+than sittin' round a camp fire in the evenin' it's sitting round a camp
+fire in the mornin'. No bed and blankets and breakfast tables for Bill
+Barnacle. For as I says in my "Breakfast Ballad"--
+
+  'If there's anythin' better than lyin' on leaves,
+    It's risin' from leaves at dawnin',
+  If there's anythin' better than sleepin' at eve,
+    It's wakin' up in the mawnin'.
+
+  'If there's anythin' better than camp firelight,
+    It's bright sunshine on wakin'.
+  If there's anythin' better than puddin' at night,
+    It's puddin' when day is breakin'.
+
+  'If there's anythin' better than singin' away
+    While the stars are gaily shinin',
+  Why, it's singin' a song at dawn of day,
+    On puddin' for breakfast dinin'.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There was a hearty round of applause at this song, for as Bunyip Bluegum
+remarked, 'Singing at breakfast should certainly be more commonly
+indulged in, as it greatly tends to enliven what is on most occasions a
+somewhat dull proceeding.'
+
+'One of the great advantages of being a professional Puddin'-owner,'
+said Sam Sawnoff, 'is that songs at breakfast are always encouraged.
+None of the ordinary breakfast rules, such as scowling while eating, and
+saying the porridge is as stiff as glue and the eggs are as tough as
+leather, are observed. Instead, songs, roars of laughter, and boisterous
+jests are the order of the day. For example, this sort of thing,' added
+Sam, doing a rapid back-flap and landing with a thump on Bill's head. As
+Bill was unprepared for this act of boisterous humour, his face was
+pushed into the Puddin' with great violence, and the gravy was splashed
+in his eye.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'What d'yer mean, playin' such bungfoodlin' tricks on a man at
+breakfast?' roared Bill.
+
+'What d'yer mean,' shouted the Puddin', 'playing such foodbungling
+tricks on a Puddin' being breakfasted at?'
+
+'Breakfast humour, Bill, merely breakfast humour,' said Sam hastily.
+
+'Humour's humour,' shouted Bill, 'but puddin' in the whiskers is no
+joke.'
+
+'Whiskers in the Puddin' is worse than puddin' in the whiskers,' shouted
+the Puddin', standing up in his basin.
+
+'Observe the rules, Bill,' said Sam hurriedly. 'Boisterous humour at the
+breakfast table must be greeted with roars of laughter.'
+
+'To Jeredelum with the rules,' shouted Bill. 'Pushing a man's face into
+his own breakfast is beyond rules or reason, and deserves a punch in the
+gizzard.'
+
+Seeing matters arriving at this unpromising situation, Bunyip Bluegum
+interposed by saying, 'Rather than allow this happy occasion to be
+marred by unseemly recriminations, let us, while admitting that our
+admirable friend, Sam, may have unwittingly disturbed the composure of
+our admirable friend, Bill, at the expense of our admirable Puddin's
+gravy, let us, I say, by the simple act of extending the hand of
+friendship, dispel in an instant these gathering clouds of disruption.
+In the words of the poem--
+
+  'Then let the fist of Friendship
+    Be kept for Friendship's foes.
+  Ne'er let that hand in anger land
+    On Friendship's holy nose.'
+
+These fine sentiments at once dispelled Bill's anger. He shook hands
+warmly with Sam, wiped the gravy from his face, and resumed breakfast
+with every appearance of hearty good humour.
+
+The meal over, the breakfast things were put away in the bag, Sam and
+Bill took Puddin' between them, and all set off along the road,
+enlivening the way with song and story. Bill regaled them with portions
+of the 'Ballad of the _Salt Junk Sarah_', which is one of those songs
+that go on for ever. Its great advantage, as Bill remarked, was that as
+it hadn't got an ending it didn't need a beginning, so you could start
+it anywhere.
+
+'As for instance,' said Bill, and he roared out--
+
+  'Ho, aboard the _Salt Junk Sarah_,
+  Rollin' home across the line,
+  The Bo'sun collared the Captain's hat
+  And threw it in the brine.
+  Rollin' home, rollin' home,
+  Rollin' home across the foam,
+  The Captain sat without a hat
+  The whole way rollin' home.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Entertaining themselves in this way as they strolled along, they were
+presently arrested by shouts of 'Fire! Fire!' and a Fireman in a large
+helmet came bolting down the road, pulling a fire hose behind him.
+
+'Aha!' said Bill. 'Now we shall have the awe-inspirin' spectacle of a
+fire to entertain us,' and, accosting the Fireman, he demanded to know
+where the fire was.
+
+'The fact is,' said the Fireman, 'that owing to the size of this helmet
+I can't see where it is; but if you will kindly glance at the
+surrounding district, you'll see it about somewhere.'
+
+They glanced about and, sure enough, there was a fire burning in the
+next field. It was only a cowshed, certainly, but it was blazing very
+nicely, and well worth looking at.
+
+'Fire,' said Bill, 'in the form of a common cowshed, is burnin' about
+nor'-nor'-east as the crow flies.'
+
+'In that case,' said the Fireman, 'I invite all present bravely to
+assist in putting it out. But,' he added impressively, 'if you'll take
+my advice, you'll shove that Puddin' in this hollow log and roll a
+stone agen the end to keep him in, for if he gets too near the flames
+he'll be cooked again and have his flavour ruined.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'This is a very sensible feller,' said Bill, and though Puddin' objected
+strongly, he was at once pushed into a log and securely fastened in with
+a large stone.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'How'd you like to be shoved in a blooming log,' he shouted at Bill,
+'when you was burning with anxiety to see the fire?' but Bill said
+severely, 'Be sensible, Albert, fires is too dangerous to Puddin's
+flavours.'
+
+No more time was lost in seizing the hose and they set off with the
+greatest enthusiasm. For, as everyone knows, running with the reel is
+one of the grand joys of being a fireman. They had the hose fixed to a
+garden tap in no time, and soon were all hard at work, putting out the
+fire.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Of course there was a great deal of smoke and shouting, and getting
+tripped up by the hose, and it was by the merest chance Bunyip Bluegum
+glanced back in time to see the Wombat in the act of stealing the
+Puddin' from the hollow log.
+
+'Treachery is at work,' he shouted.
+
+'Treachery,' roared Bill, and with one blow on the snout knocked the
+Fireman endways on into the burning cinders, where his helmet fell off,
+and exposed the countenance of that snooting, snouting scoundrel, the
+Possum.
+
+The Possum, of course, hadn't expected to have his disguise pierced so
+swiftly, and, though he managed to scramble out of the fire in time to
+save his bacon, he was considerably singed down the back.
+
+'What a murderous attack!' he exclaimed. 'O, what a brutal attempt to
+burn a man alive!' and as some hot cinders had got down his back he gave
+a sharp yell and ran off, singeing and smoking. Bill, distracted with
+rage, ran after the Possum, then changed his mind and ran after the
+Wombat, so that, what with running first after one and then after the
+other, they both had time to get clean away, and disappeared over the
+skyline.
+
+'I see it all,' shouted Bill, casting himself down in despair. 'Them low
+puddin'-thieves has borrowed a fireman's helmet, collared a hose, an'
+set fire to a cowshed in order to lure us away from the Puddin'.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'The whole thing's a low put-up job on our noble credulity,' said Sam,
+casting himself down beside Bill.
+
+'It's one of the most frightful things that's ever happened,' said Bill.
+
+'It's worse than treading on tacks with bare feet,' said Sam.
+
+'It's worse than bein' caught stealin' fowls,' said Bill.
+
+'It's worse than bein' stood on by cows,' said Sam.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'It's almost as bad as havin' an uncle called Aldobrantifoscofornio,'
+said Bill, and they both sang loudly--
+
+  'It's worse than weevils, worse than warts,
+    It's worse than corns to bear.
+  It's worse than havin' several quarts
+    Of treacle in your hair.
+
+  'It's worse than beetles in the soup,
+    It's worse than crows to eat.
+  It's worse than wearin' small-sized boots
+    Upon your large-sized feet.
+
+  'It's worse than kerosene to boose,
+    It's worse than ginger hair.
+  It's worse than anythin' to lose
+    A Puddin' rich and rare.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Bunyip Bluegum reproved this despondency, saying, 'Come, come, this is
+no time for giving way to despair. Let us, rather, by the fortitude of
+our bearing prove ourselves superior to this misfortune and, with the
+energy of justly enraged men, pursue these malefactors, who have so
+richly deserved our vengeance. Arise!'
+
+'Bravely spoken,' said Bill, immediately recovering from despair.
+
+  'The grass is green, the day is fair,
+    The dandelions abound.
+  Is this a time for sad despair
+    And sitting on the ground?
+
+  'Our Puddin' in some darksome lair
+    In iron chains is bound,
+  While puddin'-snatchers on him fare,
+    And eat him by the pound.
+
+  'Let gloom give way to angry glare,
+    Let weak despair be drowned,
+  Let vengeance in its rage declare
+    Our Puddin' must be found.
+
+  'Then let's resolve to do and dare.
+    Let teeth with rage be ground.
+  Let voices to the heavens declare
+    Our Puddin' MUST be found.'
+
+'Those gallant words have fired our blood,' said Sam, and they both
+shook hands with Bunyip, to show that they were now prepared to follow
+the call of vengeance.
+
+'In order to investigate this dastardly outrage,' said Bunyip, 'we must
+become detectives, and find a clue. We must find somebody who has seen a
+singed possum. Once traced to their lair, mother-wit will suggest some
+means of rescuing our Puddin'.'
+
+They set off at once, and, after a brisk walk, came to a small house
+with a signboard on it saying, 'Henderson Hedgehog, Horticulturist'.
+Henderson himself was in the garden, horticulturing a cabbage, and they
+asked him if he had chanced to see a singed possum that morning.
+
+'What's that? What, what?' said Henderson Hedgehog, and when they had
+repeated the question, he said, 'You must speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'
+
+'Have you seen a singed possum?' shouted Bill.
+
+'I can't hear you,' said Henderson.
+
+'Have you seen a SINGED POSSUM?' roared Bill.
+
+'To be sure,' said Henderson, 'but the turnips are backward.'
+
+'Turnips be stewed,' yelled Bill in such a tremendous voice that he blew
+his own hat off. 'HAVE YOU SEEN A SINGED POSSUM?'
+
+'Good season for wattle blossom,' said Henderson. 'Well, yes, but a very
+poor season for carrots.'
+
+'A man might as well talk to a carrot as try an' get sense out of this
+runt of a feller,' said Bill, disgusted. 'Come an' see if we can't find
+someone that it won't bust a man's vocal cords gettin' information out
+of.'
+
+They left Henderson to his horticulturing and walked on till they met a
+Parrot who was a Swagman, or a Swagman who was a Parrot. He must have
+been one or the other, if not both, for he had a bag and a swag, and a
+beak, and a billy, and a thundering bad temper into the bargain, for the
+moment Bill asked him if he had met a singed possum he shouted back--
+
+'Me eat a singed possum! I wouldn't eat a possum if he was singed,
+roasted, boiled, or fried.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Not ett--met,' shouted Bill. 'I said, met a singed possum.'
+
+'Why can't yer speak plainly, then,' said the Parrot. 'Have you got a
+fill of tobacco on yer?'
+
+He took out his pipe and scowled at Bill.
+
+'Here you are,' said Bill. 'Cut a fill an' answer the question.'
+
+'All in good time,' said the Parrot, and he added to Sam, 'You got any
+tobacco?'
+
+Sam handed him a fill, and he put it in his pocket. 'You ain't got any
+tobacco,' he said scornfully to Bunyip Bluegum. 'I can see that at a
+glance. You're one of the non-smoking sort, all fur and feathers.'
+
+'Here,' said Bill angrily. 'Enough o' this beatin' about the bush.
+Answer the question.'
+
+'Don't be impatient,' said the Parrot. 'Have you got a bit o' tea an'
+sugar on yer?'
+
+'Here's yer tea an' sugar,' said Bill, handing a little of each out of
+the bag. 'And that's the last thing you get. Now will you answer the
+question?'
+
+'Wot question?' asked the Parrot.
+
+'Have yer seen a singed possum?' roared Bill.
+
+'No, I haven't,' said the Parrot, and he actually had the insolence to
+laugh in Bill's face.
+
+'Of all the swivel-eyed, up-jumped, cross-grained, sons of a cock-eyed
+tinker,' exclaimed Bill, boiling with rage. 'If punching parrots on the
+beak wasn't too painful for pleasure, I'd land you a sockdolager on the
+muzzle that 'ud lay you out till Christmas. Come on, mates,' he added,
+'it's no use wastin' time over this low-down, hook-nosed
+tobacco-grabber.' And leaving the evil-minded Parrot to pursue his
+evil-minded way, they hurried off in search of information.
+
+The next person they spied was a Bandicoot carrying a watermelon. At a
+first glance you would have thought it was merely a watermelon walking
+by itself, but a second glance would have shown you that the walking was
+being done by a small pair of legs attached to the watermelon, and a
+third glance would have disclosed that the legs were attached to a
+Bandicoot.
+
+They shouted, 'Hi, you with the melon!' to attract his attention, and
+set off running after him, and the Bandicoot, being naturally of a
+terrified disposition, ran for all he was worth. He wasn't worth much as
+a runner, owing to the weight of the watermelon, and they caught him up
+half-way across the field.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Conceiving that his hour had come, the Bandicoot gave a shrill squeak of
+terror and fell on his knees.
+
+'Take me watermelon,' he gasped,'but spare me life.'
+
+'Stuff an' nonsense,' said Bill. 'We don't want your life. What we want
+is some information. Have you seen a singed possum about this morning?'
+
+'Singed possums, sir, yes sir, certainly sir,' gasped the Bandicoot,
+trembling violently.
+
+'What!' exclaimed Bill, 'do yer mean to say you have seen a singed
+possum?'
+
+'Singed possums, sir, yes sir,' gulped the Bandicoot. 'Very plentiful,
+sir, this time of the year, sir, owing to the bush fires, sir.'
+
+'Rubbish,' roared Bill. 'I don't believe he's seen a singed possum at
+all.'
+
+'No, sir,' quavered the Bandicoot. 'Certainly not, sir. Wouldn't think
+of seeing singed possums if there was any objection, sir.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'You're a poltroon,' shouted Bill. 'You're a slaverin', quaverin',
+melon-carryin' nincompoop. There's no more chance of getting information
+out of you than out of a terrified Turnip.'
+
+Leaving the Bandicoot to pursue his quavering, melon-humping existence,
+they set off again, Bill giving way to some very despondent expressions.
+
+'As far as I can see,' he said, 'if we can't find somethin' better than
+stone-deaf hedgehogs, peevish parrots, and funkin' bandicoots we may as
+well give way to despair.'
+
+Bunyip Bluegum was forced to exert his finest oratory to inspire them to
+another frame of mind. 'Let it never be said,' he exclaimed, 'that the
+unconquerable hearts of Puddin'-owners quailed before a parrot, a
+hedgehog, or a bandicoot.'
+
+  'Let hedgehogs deaf go delve and dig,
+    Immune from loudest howl,
+  Let bandicoots lump melons big,
+    Let peevish parrots prowl.
+
+  'Shall puddin'-owners bow the head
+    At such affronts as these?
+  No, No! March on, by anger led,
+    Our Puddin' to release.
+
+  'Let courage high resolve inflame
+    Our captive Pud to free;
+  Our banner wave, our words proclaim
+    We march to victory!'
+
+'Bravely sung,' exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip Bluegum by the hand, and
+they proceeded with expressions of the greatest courage and
+determination.
+
+As a reward for this renewed activity, they got some useful information
+from a Rooster who was standing at his front gate looking up and down
+the road, and wishing to heaven that somebody would come along for him
+to talk to. They got, in fact, a good deal more information than they
+asked for, for the Rooster was one of those fine up-standing, bumptious
+skites who love to talk all day, in the heartiest manner, to total
+strangers while their wives do the washing.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Singed possum,' he exclaimed, when they had put the usual question to
+him. 'Now, what an extraordinary thing that you should come along and
+ask me that question. What an astounding and incredible thing that you
+should actually use the word "singed" in connexion with the word
+"possum". Though mind you, the word I had in my mind was not "singed",
+but "burning". And not "possum", but "feathers". Now, I'll tell you why.
+Only this morning, as I was standing here, I said to myself "somebody's
+been burning feathers". I called out at once to the wife--fine woman,
+the wife, you'll meet her presently--"Have you been burning feathers?"
+"No", says she. "Well," said I, "if you haven't been burning feathers,
+somebody else has." At the very moment that I'm repeating the words
+"feathers" and "burning" you come along and repeat the words "singed"
+and "possum". Instantly I call to mind that at the identical moment that
+I smelt something burning, I saw a possum passing this very gate, though
+whether he happened to be singed or not I didn't inquire.'
+
+'Which way did he go?' inquired Bill excitedly.
+
+'Now, let me see,' said the Rooster. 'He went down the road, turned to
+the right, gave a jump and a howl, and set off in the direction of
+Watkin Wombat's summer residence.'
+
+'The very man we're after,' shouted Bill, and bolted off down the road,
+followed by the others, without taking any notice of the Rooster's
+request to wait a minute and be introduced to the wife.
+
+'His wife may be all right,' said Bill as they ran, 'but what I say is,
+blow meetin' a bloomin' old Rooster's wife when you haven't got a year
+to waste listenin' to a bloomin' old Rooster.'
+
+They followed the Rooster's directions with the utmost rapidity, and
+came to a large hollow tree with a door in the side and a notice-board
+nailed up which said, 'Watkin Wombat, Esq., Summer Residence'.
+
+The door was locked, but it was clear that the puddin'-thieves were
+inside, because they heard the Possum say peevishly, 'You're eating too
+much, and here's me, most severely singed, not getting sufficient', and
+the Wombat was heard to say, 'What you want is soap', but the Possum
+said angrily, 'What I need is immense quantities of puddin'.'
+
+The avengers drew aside to hold a consultation.
+
+'What's to be done?' said Bill. 'It's no use knockin', because they'd
+look through the keyhole and refuse to come out, and, not bein'
+burglars, we can't bust the door in. It seems to me that there's nothin'
+for it but to give way to despair.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Never give way to despair while whiskers can be made from dry grass,'
+said Bunyip Bluegum, and suiting the action to the word, he swiftly made
+a pair of fine moustaches out of dried grass and stuck them on with
+wattle gum. 'Now, lend me your hat,' he said to Bill, and taking the hat
+he turned up the brim, dented in the top, and put it on. 'The bag is
+also required,' he said to Sam, and taking that in his hand and turning
+his coat inside out, he stood before them completely disguised.
+
+'You two,' he said, 'must remain in hiding behind the tree. You will
+hear me knock, accost the ruffians and hold them in conversation. The
+moment you hear me exclaim loudly, "Hey, Presto! Pots and Pans", you
+will dart out and engage the villains at fisticuffs. The rest leave to
+me.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Waiting till the others were hidden behind the tree, Bunyip rapped
+smartly on the door which opened presently and the Wombat put his head
+out cautiously.
+
+'Have I the extreme pleasure of addressing Watkin Wombat, Esq.?'
+inquired Bunyip Bluegum, with a bow.
+
+Of course, seeing a perfect stranger at the door, the Wombat had no
+suspicions, and said at once, 'Such is the name of him you see before
+you.'
+
+'I have called to see you,' said Bunyip, 'on a matter of business. The
+commodity which I vend is Pootles's Patent Pudding Enlarger, samples of
+which I have in the bag. As a guarantee of good faith we are giving
+samples of our famous Enlarger away to all well-known Puddin'-owners.
+The Enlarger, one of the wonders of modern science, has but to be poured
+over the puddin', with certain necessary incantations, and the puddin'
+will be instantly enlarged to double its normal size.' He took some
+sugar from the bag and held it up. 'I am now about to hand you some of
+this wonderful discovery. But,' he added impressively, 'the operation of
+enlarging the puddin' is a delicate one, and must be performed in the
+open air. Produce your puddin', and I will at once apply Pootles's
+Patent with marvellous effect.'
+
+'Of course it's understood that no charge is to be made,' said the
+Possum, hurrying out.
+
+'No charge whatever,' said Bunyip Bluegum.
+
+So on the principle of always getting something for nothing, as the
+Wombat said, Puddin' was brought out and placed on the ground.
+
+'Now watch me closely,' said Bunyip Bluegum. He sprinkled the Puddin'
+with sugar, made several passes with his hands, and pronounced these
+words--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'Who incantations utters
+  He generally mutters
+    His gruesome blasts and bans
+  But I, you need not doubt it,
+  Prefer aloud to shout it,
+    Hey, Presto! Pots and Pans.'
+
+Out sprang Bill and Sam and set about the puddin'-thieves like a pair of
+windmills, giving them such a clip-clap clouting and a flip-flap
+flouting, that what with being punched and pounded, and clipped and
+clapped, they had only enough breath left to give two shrieks of despair
+while scrambling back into Watkin Wombat's Summer Residence, and banging
+the door behind them. The three friends had Puddin' secured in no time,
+and shook hands all round, congratulating Bunyip Bluegum on the success
+of his plan.
+
+'Your noble actin',' said Bill, 'has saved our Puddin's life.'
+
+'Them puddin'-thieves,' said Sam, 'was children in your hands.'
+
+'We hear you,' sang out the Possum, and the Wombat added, 'Oh, what
+deceit!'
+
+'Enough of you two,' shouted Bill. 'If we catch you sneakin' after our
+Puddin' again, you'll get such a beltin' that you'll wish you was
+vegetarians. And now,' said he, 'for a glorious reunion round the camp
+fire.'
+
+And a glorious reunion they had, tucking into hot steak-and-kidney
+puddin' and boiled jam roll, which, after the exertions of the day, went
+down, as Bill said, 'Grand'.
+
+'If them puddin'-thieves ain't sufferin' the agonies of despair at this
+very moment, I'll eat my hat along with the Puddin',' said Bill,
+exultantly.
+
+'Indeed,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'the consciousness that our enemies are
+deservedly the victims of acute mental and physical anguish, imparts, it
+must be admitted, an additional flavour to the admirable Puddin'.'
+
+'Well spoken,' said Bill, admiringly. 'Which I will say, that for
+turning off a few well-chosen words no parson in the land is the equal
+of yourself.'
+
+'Your health!' said Bunyip Bluegum.
+
+The singing that evening was particularly loud and prolonged, owing to
+the satisfaction they all felt at the recovery of their beloved Puddin'.
+The Puddin', who had got the sulks over Sam's remarks that fifteen goes
+of steak-and-kidney were enough for any self-respecting man, protested
+against the singing, which, he said, disturbed his gravy. '"More eating
+and less noise" is my motto,' he said, and he called Bill a
+leather-headed old barrel organ for reproving him.
+
+'Albert is a spoilt child, I fear,' said Bill, shoving him into the bag
+to keep him quiet, and without more ado, led off with--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'Ho! aboard the _Salt Junk Sarah_,
+    Rollin' home around the Horn,
+  The Bo'sun pulls the Captain's nose
+    For treatin' him with scorn.
+
+  'Rollin' home, rollin' home,
+  Rollin' home across the foam.
+  The Bo'sun goes with thumps and blows
+  The whole way rollin' home.'
+
+'But,' said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum, after about fifteen verses of the
+_Salt Junk Sarah_, 'the superior skill, ingenuity and darin' with which
+you bested them puddin'-snatchers reminds me of a similar incident in
+Sam's youth, which I will now sing you. The incident, though similar as
+regards courage an' darin', is totally different in regard to everythin'
+else, and is entitled--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE PENGUIN'S BRIDE
+
+  ''Twas on the _Saucy Soup Tureen_,
+    That Sam was foremast hand,
+  When on the quarter-deck was seen
+  A maiding fit to be a Queen
+    With her old Uncle stand.
+
+  'And Sam at once was sunk all
+    In passion deep and grand,
+  But this here aged Uncle
+  He was the Hearl of Buncle
+    And Sam a foremast hand.
+
+  'And Sam he chewed salt junk all
+    Day with grief forlorn,
+  Because the Hearl of Buncle,
+    The lovely maiding's Uncle,
+  Regarded him with scorn.
+
+  'When sailin' by Barbado,
+    The _Saucy Soup Tureen_,
+  Before she could be stayed-O
+  Went down in a tornado,
+    And never more was seen.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'The passengers were sunk all
+    Beneath the ragin' wave,
+  The maiding and her Uncle,
+  The Noble Hearl of Buncle,
+    Were saved by Sam the Brave.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'He saved the Noble Buncle
+    By divin' off the poop.
+  The maiding in a funk all
+  He, saved along with Uncle
+    Upon a chicken coop.
+
+  'And this here niece of Buncle,
+    When they got safe to land,
+  For havin' saved her Uncle,
+  The Noble Hearl of Buncle,
+    She offered Sam her hand.
+
+  'And that old Uncle Buncle,
+    For joy of his release,
+  On Burgundy got drunk all
+  Day in Castle Buncle,
+    Which hastened his decease.
+
+  'The lovely maiding Buncle
+    Inherited the land;
+  And, now her aged Uncle
+  Has gone, the Hearl of Buncle
+    Is Sam, the foremast hand.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Of course,' said Sam modestly, 'the song goes too far in sayin' as how
+I married the Hearl's niece, because, for one thing, I ain't a marryin'
+man, and for another thing, what she really sez to me when we got to
+land was, "You're a noble feller, an' here's five shillin's for you, and
+any time you happen to be round our way, just give a ring at the
+servants' bell, and there'll always be a feed waitin' for you in the
+kitchen." However, you've got to have songs to fill in the time with,
+and when a feller's got a rotten word like Buncle to find rhymes for,
+there's no sayin' how a song'll end.'
+
+'The exigencies of rhyme,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'may stand excused from
+a too strict insistence on verisimilitude, so that the general gaiety is
+thereby promoted. And now,' he added, 'before retiring to rest, let us
+all join in song,' and grasping each other's hands they loudly sang--
+
+THE PUDDIN'-OWNERS' EVENSONG
+
+  'Let feeble feeders stoop
+  To plates of oyster soup.
+    Let pap engage
+    The gums of age
+  And appetites that droop;
+    We much prefer to chew
+    A Steak-and-kidney stew.
+
+  'Let yokels coarse appease
+  Their appetites with cheese.
+    Let women dream
+    Of cakes and cream,
+  We scorn fal-lals like these;
+    Our sterner sex extols
+    The joy of boiled jam rolls.
+
+  'We scorn digestive pills;
+  Give us the food that fills;
+    Who bravely stuff
+    Themselves with Duff,
+  May laugh at Doctor's bills.
+    For medicine, partake
+    Of kidney, stewed with steak.
+
+  'Then plight our faith anew
+  Three puddin'-owners true,
+    Who boldly claim
+    In Friendship's name
+  The noble Irish stoo,
+  Hurrah, Hurrah, Hurroo!'
+
+
+
+
+Third Slice
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'After our experience of yesterday,' said Bill Barnacle as the company
+of Puddin'-owners set off along the road with their Puddin', 'we shall
+have to be particularly careful. For what with low puddin'-thieves
+disguising themselves as firemen, and low Wombats sneakin' our Puddin'
+while we're helpin' to put out fires, not to speak of all the worry and
+bother of tryin' to get information out of parrots and bandicoots an'
+hedgehogs, why, it's enough to make a man suspect his own grandfather of
+bein' a puddin'-snatcher.'
+
+'As for me,' said Sam Sawnoff, practising boxing attitudes as he walked
+along, 'I feel like laying out the first man we meet on the off-chance
+of his being a puddin'-thief.'
+
+'Indeed,' observed Bunyip Bluegum, 'to have one's noblest feelings
+outraged by reposing a too great trust in unworthy people, is to end by
+regarding all humanity with an equal suspicion.'
+
+'If you ask my opinion,' said the Puddin' cynically, 'them
+puddin'-thieves are too clever for you; and, what's more, they're better
+eaters than you. Why,' said the Puddin', sneering at Bill, 'I'll back
+one puddin'-thief to eat more in a given time than three Puddin'-owners
+put together.'
+
+'These are very treacherous sentiments, Albert,' said Bill sternly.
+'These are very ignoble and shameless words,' but the Puddin' merely
+laughed scornfully, and called Bill a bun-headed old beetle-crusher.
+
+'Very well,' said Bill, enraged, 'we shall see if a low puddin'-thief is
+better than a noble Puddin'-owner. When you see the terrible suspicions
+I shall indulge in to-day you'll regret them words.'
+
+To prove his words Bill insisted on closely inspecting everybody he met,
+in case they should be puddin'-thieves in disguise.
+
+To start off with, they had an unpleasant scene with a Kookaburra, a low
+larrikin who resented the way that Bill examined him.
+
+'Who are you starin' at, Poodle's Whiskers?' he asked.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Never mind,' said Bill. 'I'm starin' at you for a good an' sufficient
+reason.'
+
+'Are yer?' said the Kookaburra. 'Well, all I can say is that if yer
+don't take yer dial outer the road I'll bloomin' well take an' bounce a
+gibber off yer crust,' and he followed them for quite a long way,
+singing out insulting things such as, 'You with the wire whiskers,' and
+'Get onter the bloke with the face fringe.'
+
+Bill, of course, treated this conduct with silent contempt. It was his
+rule through life, he said, never to fight people with beaks.
+
+The next encounter they had was with a Flying-fox who, though not so
+vulgar and rude as the Kookaburra, was equally enraged because, as Bill
+had suspicions that he was the Possum disguised, he insisted on
+measuring him to see if he was the same length.
+
+'Nice goings on, indeed,' said the Flying-fox, while Bill was measuring
+him, 'if a man can't go about his business without being measured by
+total strangers. A nice thing, indeed, to happen to Finglebury
+Flying-fox, the well-known and respected fruit stealer.'
+
+However, he was found to be six inches too short, so they let him go,
+and he hurried off, saying, 'I shall have the Law on you for this,
+measuring a man in a public place without being licensed as a tailor.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The third disturbance due to Bill's suspicions occurred while Bunyip
+Bluegum was in a grocer's shop. They had run out of tea and sugar, and
+happening to pass through the town of Bungledoo took the opportunity of
+laying in a fresh supply. If Bunyip hadn't been in the shop, as was
+pointed out afterwards, the trouble wouldn't have occurred. The first he
+heard of it was a scream of 'Help, help, murder is being done!' and
+rushing out of the shop, what was his amazement to see no less a person
+than his Uncle Wattleberry bounding and plunging about the road with
+Bill hanging on to his whiskers, and Sam hanging on to one leg.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'I've got him,' shouted Bill. 'Catch a hold of his other leg and give me
+a chance to get his whiskers off.'
+
+'But why are you taking his whiskers off?' inquired Bunyip Bluegum.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Because they're stuck on with glue,' shouted Bill. 'I saw it at a
+glance. It's Watkin Wombat, Esq., disguised as a company promoter.'
+
+'Dear me,' said Bunyip, hurriedly, 'you are making a mistake. This is
+not a puddin'-thief, this is an Uncle.'
+
+'A what?' exclaimed Bill, letting go the whiskers.
+
+'An Uncle,' replied Bunyip Bluegum.
+
+'An Uncle,' roared Uncle Wattleberry. 'An Uncle of the highest
+integrity. You have most disgracefully and unmercifully pulled an
+Uncle's whiskers.'
+
+'I can assure you,' said Bill, 'I pulled them under the delusion that
+you was a disguised Wombat.'
+
+'That is no excuse, sir,' bellowed Uncle Wattleberry. 'No one but an
+unmitigated ruffian would pull an Uncle's whiskers.
+
+  'Who but the basest scoundrel, double-eyed,
+  Would pluck an Uncle's whiskers in their pride,
+  What baseness, then, doth such a man disclose
+  Who'd raise a hand to pluck an Uncle's nose?'
+
+'If I've gone too far,' said Bill, 'I apologize. If I'd known you was an
+Uncle I wouldn't have done it.'
+
+'Apologies are totally inadequate,' shouted Uncle Wattleberry. 'Nothing
+short of felling you to the earth with an umbrella could possibly atone
+for the outrage. You are a danger to the whisker-growing public. You
+have knocked my hat off, pulled my whiskers, and tried to remove my
+nose.'
+
+'Pullin' your nose,' said Bill, solemnly, 'is a mistake any man might
+make, for I put it to all present, as man to man, if that nose don't
+look as if it's only gummed on.'
+
+All present were forced to admit that it was a mistake that any man
+might make. 'Any man,' as Sam remarked, 'would think he was doing you a
+kindness by trying to pull it off.'
+
+'Allow me to point out also, my dear Uncle,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'that
+your whiskers were responsible for this seeming outrage. Let your anger,
+then, be assuaged by the consciousness that you are the victim, not of
+malice, but of the misfortune of wearing whiskers.'
+
+'How now,' exclaimed Uncle Wattleberry. 'My nephew Bunyip among these
+sacrilegious whisker-pluckers and nose-pullers. My nephew, not only
+aiding and abetting these ruffians, but seeking to palliate their
+crimes! This is too much. My feelings are such that nothing but bounding
+and plunging can relieve them.'
+
+And thereupon did Uncle Wattleberry proceed to bound and plunge with the
+greatest activity, shouting all the while--
+
+  'You need not think I bound and plunge
+    Like this in festive mood.
+  I bound that bounding may expunge
+    The thought of insult rude.
+
+  'An Uncle's rage must seek relief,
+    His anger must be drowned;
+  It is to soothe an Uncle's grief
+    That thus I plunge and bound.
+
+  'I bound and plunge, I seethe with rage,
+    My mighty anger seeks
+  So much relief that I engage
+    To plunge and bound for weeks.'
+
+Seeing that there was no possibility of inducing Uncle Wattleberry to
+look at the affair in a reasonable light, they walked off and left him
+to continue his bounding and plunging for the amusement of the people of
+Bungledoo, who brought their chairs out on to the footpath in order to
+enjoy the sight at their ease. Bill's intention to regard everybody he
+met with suspicion was somewhat damped by this mistake, and he said
+there ought to be a law to prevent a man going about looking as if he
+was a disguised puddin'-thief.
+
+The most annoying part of it all was that when the puddin'-thieves did
+make their appearance they weren't disguised at all. They were dressed
+as common ordinary puddin'-thieves, save that the Possum carried a bran
+bag in his hand and the Wombat waved a white flag.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Well, if this isn't too bad,' shouted Bill, enraged. 'What d'you mean,
+comin' along in this unexpected way without bein' disguised?'
+
+'No, no,' sang out the Possum. 'No disguises to-day.'
+
+'No fighting, either,' said the Wombat.
+
+'No disguises, no fighting, and no puddin'-stealing,' said the Possum.
+'Nothing but the fairest and most honourable dealings.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'If you ain't after our Puddin', what are you after?' demanded Bill.
+
+'We're after bringing you a present in this bag,' said the Possum.
+
+'Absurd,' said Bill. 'Puddin'-thieves don't give presents away.'
+
+'Don't say that, Bill,' said the Possum, solemnly. 'If you only knew
+what noble intentions we have, you'd be ashamed of them words.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'You'd blush to hear your voice a-utterin' of them,' said the Wombat.
+
+'I can't make this out at all,' said Bill, scratching his head. 'The
+idea of a puddin'-thief offering a man a present dumbfounds me, as the
+saying goes.'
+
+'No harm is intended,' said the Possum, and the Wombat added: 'Harm is
+as far from our thoughts as from the thoughts of angels.'
+
+'Well, well,' said Bill, at length. 'I'll just glance at it first, to
+see what it's like.'
+
+But the Possum shook his head. 'No, no, Bill,' he said, 'no glancing,'
+and the Wombat added: 'To prove that no deception is intended, all heads
+must look in the bag together.'
+
+'What's to be done about this astoundin' predicament?' said Bill. 'If
+there is a present, of course we may as well have it. If there ain't a
+present, of course we shall simply have to punch their snouts as
+usual.'
+
+'One must confess,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'to the prompting of a certain
+curiosity as to the nature of this present'; and Sam added, 'Anyway,
+there's no harm in having a look at it.'
+
+'No harm whatever,' said the Possum, and he held the bag open
+invitingly. The Puddin'-owners hesitated a moment, but the temptation
+was too strong, and they all looked in together. It was a fatal act. The
+Possum whipped the bag over their heads, the Wombat whipped a rope round
+the bag, and there they were, helpless.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The worst of it was that the Puddin', being too short to look in, was
+left outside, and the puddin'-thieves grabbed him at once and ran off
+like winking. To add to the Puddin'-owners' discomfiture there was a
+considerable amount of bran in the bag; and, as Bill said afterwards,
+'if there's anything worse than losing a valuable Puddin', it's bran in
+the whiskers'. They bounded and plunged about, but soon had to stop that
+on account of treading on each other's toes--especially Sam's, who
+endured agonies, having no boots on.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'What a frightful calamity,' groaned Bill giving way to despair.
+
+'It's worse than being chased by natives on the Limpopo River,' said
+Sam.
+
+'It's worse than fighting Arabs single-handed,' croaked Bill.
+
+'It's almost as bad as being pecked on the head by eagles,' said Sam,
+and in despair they sang in muffled tones--
+
+  'O what a fearful fate it is,
+    O what a frightful fag,
+  To have to walk about like this
+    All tied up in a bag.
+
+  'Our noble confidence has sent
+    Us on this fearful jag;
+  In noble confidence we bent
+    To look inside this bag.
+
+  'Deprived of air, in dark despair
+  Upon our way we drag;
+  Condemned for evermore to wear
+  This frightful, fearsome bag.'
+
+Bunyip Bluegum reproved this faint-heartedness, saying, 'As our
+misfortunes are due to exhibiting too great a trust in scoundrels, so
+let us bear them with the greater fortitude. As in innocence we fell, so
+let our conduct in this hour of dire extremity be guided by the
+courageous endurance of men whose consciences are free from guilt.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+These fine words greatly stimulated the others, and they endured with
+fortitude, walking on Sam's feet for an hour and a half, when the sound
+of footsteps apprised them that a traveller was approaching.
+
+This traveller was a grave, elderly dog named Benjimen Brandysnap, who
+was going to market with eggs. Seeing three people walking in a bag he
+naturally supposed they were practising for the sports, but on hearing
+their appeals for help he very kindly undid the rope.
+
+'Preserver,' exclaimed Bill, grasping him by the hand.
+
+'Noble being,' said Sam.
+
+'Guardian angel of oppressed Puddin'-owners,' said Bunyip Bluegum.
+
+Benjimen was quite overcome by these expressions of esteem, and handed
+round eggs, which were eaten on the spot.
+
+'And now,' said Bill, again shaking hands with their preserver, 'I am
+about to ask you a most important question. Have you seen any
+puddin'-thieves about this mornin'?'
+
+'Puddin'-thieves,' said Benjimen. 'Let me see. Now that you mention it,
+I remember seeing two puddin'-thieves at nine-thirty this morning. But
+they weren't stealing puddin's. They were engaged stealing a bag out of
+my stable. I was busy at the time whistling to the carrots, or I'd have
+stopped them.'
+
+'This is most important information,' said Bill. 'It proves this must be
+the very bag they stole. In what direction did the scoundrels go,
+friend, after stealing your bag?'
+
+'As I was engaged at the moment feeding the parsnips, I didn't happen to
+notice,' said Benjimen. 'But at this season puddin'-thieves generally go
+south-east, owing to the price of onions.'
+
+'In that case,' said Bill, 'we shall take a course north-west, for it's
+my belief that havin' stolen our Puddin' they'll make back to winter
+quarters.'
+
+'We will pursue to the north-west with the utmost vigour,' said Bunyip.
+
+'Swearin' never to give in till revenge has been inflicted and our
+Puddin' restored to us,' said Bill.
+
+'In order to exacerbate our just anger,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'let us
+sing as we go--
+
+THE PUDDIN'-OWNERS' QUEST
+
+  'On a terrible quest we run north-west,
+    In a terrible rage we run;
+  With never a rest we run north-west
+    Till our terrible work is done.
+      Without delay
+      Away, away,
+  In a terrible rage we run all day.
+
+  'By our terrible zest you've doubtless guessed
+    That vengeance is our work;
+  For we seek the nest with terrible zest
+    Where the puddin'-snatchers lurk.
+      With rage, with gloom,
+      With fret and fume,
+  We seek the puddin'-snatchers' doom.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+They ran north-west for two hours without seeing a sign of the
+puddin'-thieves. Benjimen ran with them to exact revenge for the theft
+of his bag. It was hot work running, and having no Puddin' they couldn't
+have lunch, but Benjimen very generously handed eggs all round again.
+
+'Eggs is all very well,' said Bill, eating them in despair, 'but they
+don't come up to Puddin' as a regular diet, and all I can say is, that
+if that Puddin' ain't restored soon I shall go mad with grief.'
+
+'I shall go mad with rage,' said Sam, and they both sang loudly--
+
+  'Go mad with grief or mad with rage,
+    It doesn't matter whether;
+  Our Puddin's left this earthly stage,
+  So in despair we must engage
+    To both go mad together.'
+
+'I have a suggestion to make,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'which will at once
+restore your wonted good-humour. Observe me.'
+
+He looked about till he found a piece of board, and wrote this notice on
+it with his fountain pen--
+
+         A GRAND PROCESSION OF
+      THE AMALGAMATED SOCIETY OF
+        PUDDINGS WILL PASS HERE
+           AT 2.30 TO-DAY
+
+This he hung on a tree. 'Now,' said he, 'all that remains to be done is
+to hide behind this bush. The news of the procession will spread like
+wildfire through the district, and the puddin'-thieves, unable to resist
+such a spectacle, will come hurrying to view the procession. The rest
+will be simply a matter of springing out on them like lions.'
+
+'Superbly reasoned,' said Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+They all hid behind the bush and a crow, who happened to be passing,
+read the sign and flew off at once to spread the news through the
+district.
+
+In fifteen minutes, by Bill's watch, the puddin'-thieves came running
+down the road, and took up a position on a stump to watch the
+procession. They had evidently been disturbed in the very act of eating
+Puddin', for the Possum was still masticating a mouthful; and the Wombat
+had stuck the Puddin' in his hat, and put his hat on his head, which
+clearly proved him to be a very ill-bred fellow, for in good society
+wearing puddin's on the head is hardly ever done.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Bill and Sam, who were like bloodhounds straining at the leash, sprang
+out and confronted the scoundrels, while Bunyip and Ben got behind in
+order to cut off their retreat.
+
+'We've got you at last,' said Bill, sparring up at the Possum with the
+fiercest activity. 'Out with our Puddin', or prepare for a punch on the
+snout.'
+
+The Possum turned pale and the Wombat hastily got behind him.
+
+'Puddin',' said the Possum, acting amazement. 'What strange request is
+this?'
+
+'What means this strange request?' asked the Wombat.
+
+'No bungfoodlin',' said Bill sternly. 'Produce the Puddin' or prepare
+for death.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Before bringing accusations,' said the Possum, 'prove where the Puddin'
+is.'
+
+'It's under that feller's hat,' roared Bill, pointing at the Wombat.
+
+'Prove it,' said the Wombat.
+
+'You can't wear hats that high, without there's puddin's under them,'
+said Bill.
+
+'That's not puddin's,' said the Possum; 'that's ventilation. He wears
+his hat like that to keep his brain cool.'
+
+'Very well,' said Bill. 'I call on Ben Brandysnap, as an independent
+witness whose bag has been stolen, to prove what's under that hat.'
+
+Ben put on his spectacles in order to study the Wombat carefully, and
+gravely pronounced this judgement--
+
+  'When you see a hat
+  Stuck up like that
+    You remark with some surprise,
+  "Has he been to a shop,
+  And bought for his top
+    A hat of the largest size?"
+
+  'Or else you say,
+  As you note the way
+    He wears it like a wreath,
+  "It cannot be fat
+  That bulges his hat;
+    He's got something underneath."
+
+  'But whether or not
+  It's a Puddin' he's got
+    Can only be settled by lifting his pot.
+  Or by taking a stick,
+  A stone or a brick,
+    And hitting him hard on the head with it quick.
+  If he yells, you hit fat,
+  If he doesn't, well that
+    Will prove it's a Puddin' that's under his hat.'
+
+'Now are you satisfied?' asked Bill, and they all shouted--
+
+  'Hurrah! hurray!
+    Just listen to that;
+  He knows the way
+    To bell the cat.
+  You'd better obey
+    His judgement pat,
+
+  'Without delay
+    Remove the hat;
+  It's tit-for-tat,
+    We tell you flat,
+  You'll find it pay
+    To lift your hat.
+
+  'Obey the mandate of our chosen lawyer,
+  Remove that hat, or else we'll do it faw yer.'
+
+'No, no,' said the Possum, shaking his head. 'No removing people's hats.
+Removing hats is larceny, and you'll get six months for it.'
+
+'No bashing heads, either,' said the Wombat. 'That's manslaughter, and
+we'll have you hung for it.'
+
+Bill scratched his head. 'This is an unforeseen predicament,' he said.
+'Just mind them puddin'-thieves a minute, Ben, while we has a word in
+private.' He took Sam and Bunyip aside, and almost gave way to despair.
+'What a frightful situation,' wailed he. 'We can't unlawfully take a
+puddin'-thief's hat off, and while it remains on who's to prove our
+Puddin's under it? This is one of the worst things that's happened to
+Sam and me for years.'
+
+'It's worse than being chased by wart-hogs,' said Sam.
+
+'It's worse than rolling off a cowshed,' said Bill.
+
+'It's worse than wearing soup tureens for hats,' said Sam.
+
+'It's almost as bad as swallowing thistle buttons,' said Bill, and both
+sang loudly--
+
+  'It's worse than running in a fright,
+    Pursued by Polar bears;
+  It's worse than being caught at night
+    By lions in their lairs.
+
+  'It's worse than barrel organs when
+    They play from night till morn;
+  It's worse than having large-sized men
+    A-standing on your corn.
+
+  'It's worse than when at midnight you
+    Tread on a silent cat,
+  To have a puddin'-snatcher who
+    Will not remove his hat.'
+
+'All is not yet lost,' said Bunyip Bluegum. 'Without reverting to
+violent measures, I will engage to have the hat removed.'
+
+'You will?' exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand.
+
+'I will,' said Bunyip firmly. 'All I ask is that you strike a dignified
+attitude in the presence of these scoundrels, and, at a given word,
+follow my example.'
+
+They all struck a dignified attitude in front of the puddin'-thieves,
+and Bunyip Bluegum, raising his hat, struck up the National Anthem, the
+others joining in with superb effect.
+
+'Hats off in honour to our King,' shouted Bill, and off came all the
+hats. The puddin'-thieves, of course, were helpless. The Wombat had to
+take his hat off, or prove himself disloyal, and there was Puddin'
+sitting on his head.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Now who's a liar?' shouted Bill, hitting the Possum a swinging blow on
+the snout, while Sam gave the Wombat one of his famous over-arm flip
+flaps that knocked all the wind out of him. The Wombat tried to escape
+punishment by shouting, 'Never strike a man with a Puddin' on his head';
+but, now that their guilt was proved, Bill and Sam were utterly
+remorseless, and gave the puddin'-thieves such a trouncing that their
+shrieks pierced the firmament. When this had been done, all hands gave
+them an extra thumping in the interests of common morality. Eggs were
+rubbed in their hair by Benjimen, and Bill and Sam attended to the
+beating and snout-bending, while Bunyip did the reciting. Standing on a
+stump, he declaimed--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'The blows you feel we do not deal
+    In common, vulgar thumping;
+  To higher motives we appeal--
+  It is to teach you not to steal,
+    Your head we now are bumping.
+    You need not go on pumping
+  Appeals for kinder dealing,
+    We like to watch you jumping,
+  We like to hear you squealing.
+    We rather think this thumping
+  Will take a bit of healing.
+    We hope these blows upon the nose,
+    These bended snouts, these tramped-on toes,
+  These pains that you are feeling
+  The truth will be revealing
+  How wrong is puddin'-stealing.'
+
+Then, with great solemnity, he recited the following fine moral lesson--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'A puddin'-thief, as I've heard tell,
+    Quite lost to noble feeling,
+  Spent all his days, and nights as well,
+    In constant puddin'-stealing.
+
+  'He stole them here, he stole them there,
+    He knew no moderation;
+  He stole the coarse, he stole the rare,
+    He stole without cessation.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'He stole the steak-and-kidney stew
+    That housewives in a rage hid;
+  He stole the infant's Puddin' too,
+    The Puddin' of the aged.
+
+  'He lived that Puddin's he might lure,
+    Into his clutches stealthy;
+  He stole the Puddin' of the poor,
+    The Puddin' of the wealthy.
+
+  'This evil wight went forth one night
+    Intent on puddin'-stealing,
+  When he beheld a hidden light
+    A secret room revealing.
+
+  'Within he saw a fearful man,
+    With eyes like coals a-glowing,
+  Whose frightful whiskers over-ran
+    His face, like weeds a-blowing;
+
+  'And there this fearful, frightful man,
+    A sight to set you quaking,
+  With pot and pan and curse and ban,
+    Began a Puddin' making.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  ''Twas made of buns and boiling oil,
+    A carrot and some nails-O!
+  A lobster's claws, the knobs off doors,
+    An onion and some snails-O!
+
+  'A pound of fat, an old man rat,
+    A pint of kerosene-O!
+  A box of tacks, some cobbler's wax,
+    Some gum and glycerine-O!
+
+  'Gunpowder too, a hob-nailed shoe,
+    He stirred into his pottage;
+  Some Irish stew, a pound of glue,
+    A high explosive sausage.
+
+  'The deed was done, that frightful one,
+    With glare of vulture famished,
+  Blew out the light, and in the night
+    Gave several howls, and vanished.
+
+  'Our thieving lout, ensconced without,
+    Came through the window slinking;
+  He grabbed the pot and on the spot
+    Began to eat like winking.
+
+  'He ate the lot, this guzzling sot--
+    Such appetite amazes--
+  Until those high explosives wrought
+  Within his tum a loud report,
+    And blew him all to blazes.
+
+  'For him who steals ill-gotten meals
+    Our moral is a good un.
+  We hope he feels that it reveals
+    The danger he is stood in
+  Who steals a high explosive bomb,
+    Mistaking it for Puddin'.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The puddin'-thieves wept loudly while this severe rebuke was being
+administered, and promised, with sobs, to amend their evil courses, and
+in the future to abstain from unlawful puddin'-snatching.
+
+'Your words,' said the Possum, 'has pierced our brains with horror and
+remorse'; and the Wombat added: 'From this time onwards our thoughts
+will be as far removed from Puddin' as is the thoughts of angels.'
+
+'We have heard that before,' said Bunyip Bluegum; 'but let us hope that
+this time your repentance is sincere. Let us hope that the tenderness of
+your snouts will be, if I may be permitted a flight of poetic fancy, a
+guiding star to lure your steps along the path of virtue--
+
+  'For he who finds his evil course is ended
+  By having of his snout severely bended,
+  Along that path of virtue may be sent
+  Where virtuous snouts are seldom ever bent.'
+
+With that the puddin'-thieves went over the hill, the sun went down and
+evening arrived, punctual to the minute.
+
+'Ah,' said Bill. 'It's a very fortunate thing that evenin's come along
+at this time, for, if it hadn't, we couldn't have waited dinner any
+longer. But, before preparin' for a night of gaiety, dance, and song, I
+have a proposal to put before my feller Puddin'-owners. I propose to
+invite our friend Ben here to join us round the camp fire. He has proved
+himself a very decent feller, free with his eggs, and as full of revenge
+against puddin'-thieves as ourselves.'
+
+'Hospitably spoken,' said Bunyip Bluegum, and the Puddin'-owners sang--
+
+  'Come join us we intreat,
+    Come join us we implore,
+  In Friendship's name our guest we claim,
+    And Friendship's name is law.
+
+  'We've Puddin' here a treat,
+    We've Puddin' here galore;
+  Do not decline to stay and dine,
+    Our Puddin' you'll adore.
+
+  'Our Puddin', we repeat,
+  You really cannot beat,
+    And here are we its owners three
+  Who graciously intreat
+    You'll be at our request,
+    The Puddin'-owners' guest.'
+
+'For these sentiments of esteem, admiration, and respect,' said Ben, 'I
+thank you. As one market-gardener to three Puddin'-owners, I may say I
+wouldn't wish to eat the Puddin' of three finer fellers than
+yourselves.'
+
+With this cordial understanding they set about preparing the camp fire,
+and the heartiest expressions of friendship were indulged in while the
+Puddin' was being passed round. As Bunyip aptly remarked--
+
+  'All Fortune's buffets he can surely pardon her,
+  Who claims as guest our courteous Market Gardener.'
+
+To which Benjimen handsomely replied--
+
+  'Still happier he, who meets three Puddin'-owners,
+  Whose Puddin' is the equal of its donors.'
+
+And, indeed, a very pleasant evening they had round the camp fire.
+
+
+
+
+Fourth Slice
+
+
+'This is what I call satisfactory,' said Bill, as they sat at breakfast
+next morning. 'It's a great relief to the mind to know that them
+puddin'-thieves is sufferin' the agonies of remorse, and that our
+Puddin' is safe from bein' stolen every ten minutes.'
+
+'You're a bun-headed old optimist,' said the Puddin' rudely.
+'Puddin'-thieves never suffer from remorse. They only suffer from
+blighted hopes and suppressed activity.'
+
+'Have you no trust in human nature, Albert?' asked Bill, sternly. 'Don't
+you know that nothin' gives a man greater remorse than havin' his face
+punched, his toes trod on, and eggs rubbed in his hair?'
+
+'I have grave doubts myself,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'as to the sincerity
+of their repentance'; and Ben Brandysnap said that, speaking as a market
+gardener, his experience of carrot catchers, onion snatchers, pumpkin
+pouncers, and cabbage grabbers induced him to hold the opinion that
+shooting them with pea-rifles was the only sure way to make them feel
+remorse.
+
+In fact, as Sam said--
+
+  'The howls and groans of pain and grief,
+    The accents of remorse,
+  Extracted from a puddin'-thief
+    Are all put on, of course.'
+
+'Then, all I can say is,' cried Bill, enraged, 'if there's any more of
+this business of puddin'-thieves, disguised as firemen, stealing our
+Puddin', and puddin'-thieves, not disguised at all, shovin' bags over
+our heads, blow me if I don't give up Puddin'-owning in despair and take
+to keepin' carrots for a livin'.'
+
+The Puddin' was so furious at this remark that they were forced to eat
+an extra slice all round to pacify him, in spite of which he called Bill
+a turnip-headed old carrot-cruncher, and other insulting names. However,
+at length they set out on the road, Bill continuing to air some very
+despondent remarks.
+
+'For what is the good of havin' a noble trustin' nature,' said he, 'for
+every low puddin'-thief in the land to take advantage of? As far as I
+can see, the only thing to do is to punch every snout we meet, and
+chance the odds it belongs to a puddin'-thief.'
+
+'Come,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'I see you are not your wonted,
+good-humoured self this morning. As a means of promoting the general
+gaiety, I call on you to sing the _Salt Junk Sarah_ without delay.'
+
+This was immediately effective, and Bill with the greatest heartiness
+roared out--
+
+  'Ho, aboard the _Salt Junk Sarah_
+    Rollin' round the ocean wide,
+  The bo'sun's mate, I grieve to state,
+    He kissed the bo'sun's bride.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'Rollin' home, rollin' home,
+  Home across the foam;
+  The bo'sun rose and punched his nose
+  And banged him on the dome.'
+
+At about the fifteenth verse they came to the town of Tooraloo, and that
+put a stop to the singing, because you can't sing in the public streets
+unless you are a musician or a nuisance. The town of Tooraloo is one of
+those dozing, snoozing, sausage-shaped places where all the people who
+aren't asleep are only half awake, and where dogs pass away their lives
+on the footpaths, and you fall over cows when taking your evening
+stroll.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There was a surprise awaiting them at Tooraloo, for the moment they
+arrived two persons in bell-toppers and long-tailed coats ran out from
+behind a fence and fell flat on their backs in the middle of the road,
+yelling 'Help, help! thieves and ruffians are at work!'
+
+The travellers naturally stared with amazement at this peculiar
+conduct. The moment the persons in bell-toppers caught sight of them
+they sprang up, and striking an attitude expressive of horror, shouted:
+
+'Behold the puddin'-thieves!'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Behold the what?' exclaimed Bill.
+
+'Puddin'-thieves,' said one of the bell-topperers. 'For well you know
+that that dear Puddin' in your hand has been stolen from its parents and
+guardians, which is ourselves.' And the other bell-topperer added, 'Deny
+it not, for with that dear Puddin' in your hand your guilt is manifest.'
+
+'Well, if this ain't enough to dumbfound a codfish,' exclaimed Bill.
+'Here's two total strangers, disguised as undertakers, actually accusin'
+us of stealin' our own Puddin'. Why, it's outside the bounds of
+comprehension!'
+
+'It's enough to stagger the senses,' said Sam.
+
+'It's enough to daze the mind with horror,' said Bill.
+
+'Come, come,' said the bell-topperers, 'cease these expressions of
+amazement and hand over the stolen Puddin'.'
+
+'What d'yer mean,' exclaimed Bill, 'by calling this a stolen Puddin'?
+It's a respectable steak-and-kidney, apple-dumplin', grand digestive
+Puddin', and any fellers in pot-hats sayin' it's a stolen Puddin' is
+scoundrels of the deepest dye.'
+
+'Never use such words to people wearing bell-toppers,' said one of the
+bell-topperers, and the other added, 'With that dear Puddin' gazing up
+to heaven, how can you use such words?'
+
+'All very fine, no doubt,' sneered Bill, 'but if you ain't scoundrels of
+the deepest dye, remove them hats and prove you ain't afraid to look us
+in the eye.'
+
+'No, no,' said the first bell-topperer. 'No removing hats at present on
+account of sunstroke, and colds in the head, and doctor's orders. My
+doctor said to me only this morning, "Never remove your hat." Those were
+his words. "Let it be your rule through life," he said, "to keep the
+head warm, whatever happens."'
+
+'No singing "God save the King", neither,' said the other bell-topperer.
+'Let your conduct be noble, and never sing the National Anthem to people
+wearing bell-toppers.'
+
+'In fact,' said the first bell-topperer, 'all we say is, hand over the
+Puddin' with a few well-chosen words, and all ill-feeling will be
+dropped.'
+
+Bill was so enraged at this suggestion that he dashed his hat on the
+ground and kicked it to relieve his feelings. 'Law or no law,' he
+shouted, 'I call on all hands to knock them bell-toppers off.'
+
+All hands made a rush for the bell-topperers, who shouted, 'An
+Englishman's hat is his castle,' and Top-hats are sacred things'; but
+they were overpowered by numbers, and their hats were snatched off. 'THE
+PUDDIN'-THIEVES!' shouted the company.
+
+Those bell-toppers had disguised that snooting, snouting scoundrel, the
+Possum, and his snoozing, boozing friend the Wombat! There was an
+immense uproar over this discovery, Bill and Sam flapping and
+snout-bending away at the puddin'-thieves, the puddin'-thieves roaring
+for mercy. Ben denounced them as bag snatchers, and Bunyip Bluegum
+expressed his indignation in a fine burst of oratory, beginning:
+
+'Base, indeed, must be those scoundrels, who, lost to all sense of
+decency and honour, boldly assume the outward semblance of worthy
+citizens, and, by the pretentious nature of their appearance, not only
+seek the better to impose upon the noble credulity of Puddin'-owners,
+but, with dastardly cunning, strike a blow at Society's most sacred
+emblem--the pot-hat.'
+
+The uproar brought the Mayor of Tooraloo hastening to the scene,
+followed by the local constable. The Mayor was a little, fat,
+breathless, beetle-shaped man, who hastened with difficulty owing to his
+robe of office being trodden on by the Constable, who ran close behind
+him in order to finish eating a banana in secret. He had some more
+bananas in a paper bag, and his face was one of those feeble faces that
+make one think of eggs and carrots and feathers, if you take my meaning.
+
+'How now, how now!' shouted the Mayor. 'A riot going on here, a
+disturbance in the town of Tooraloo. Constable, arrest these rioters and
+disturbers.'
+
+'Before going to extremes,' said the Constable, in a tremulous voice,
+'my advice to you is, read the Riot Act, and so have all the honour and
+glory of stopping the riot yourself.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Unfortunately,' said the Mayor, 'in the haste of departure, I forgot to
+bring the Riot Act, so there's nothing else for it; you must have all
+the honour and glory of quelling it.'
+
+'The trouble is,' said the Constable, 'that there are far too many
+rioters. One would have been quite sufficient. If there had been only
+one small undersized rioter, I should have quelled him with the utmost
+severity.'
+
+'Constable,' said the Mayor, sternly, 'in the name of His Majesty the
+King, I call on you to arrest these rioters without delay.'
+
+'Look here,' said Bill, 'you're labourin' under an error. This ain't a
+riot at all. This is merely two puddin'-thieves gettin' a hidin' for
+tryin' to steal our Puddin'.'
+
+'Puddin'-thieves!' exclaimed the Mayor. 'Don't tell me that
+puddin'-thieves have come to Tooraloo.'
+
+  'It staggers me with pain and grief,
+    I can't believe it's true,
+  That we should have a puddin'-thief
+    Or two in Tooraloo.
+
+  'It is enough to make one dumb
+    And very pale in hue
+  To know that puddin'-thieves should come
+    To sacred Tooraloo.
+
+  'The Law's just anger must appear.
+    Ho! seize these scoundrels who
+  Pollute the moral atmosphere
+    Of rural Tooraloo.'
+
+'We protest against these cruel words,' said the Possum. 'We have been
+assaulted and battered and snout-bended by ruffians of the worst
+description.'
+
+'How can Your Worship say such things,' said the Wombat, 'and us
+a-wearin' bell-toppers before your very eyes.'
+
+'If you've been assaulted and battered,' said the Mayor, 'we shall have
+to arrest the assaulters and batterers, as well.'
+
+'What's fair to one is fair to all,' said the Constable. 'You'll admit
+that, of course?' he added to Bill.
+
+'I admit nothin' of the sort,' said Bill. 'If you want to arrest
+anybody, do your duty and arrest these here puddin'-snatchers.
+
+  'If you're an officer of the Law,
+    A constant felon-catcher,
+  Then do not hesitate before
+    A common puddin'-snatcher.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'We call on you to arrest these assaulters and batterers of people
+wearing top-hats,' said the puddin'-thieves;
+
+  'Our innocence let all attest,
+    We prove it by our hatter;
+  It is your duty to arrest
+  Not those in top-hats of the best
+    But those who top-hats batter.'
+
+'It's very clear that somebody has to be arrested,' said the Mayor. 'I
+can't be put to the trouble of wearing my robes of office in public
+without somebody having to pay for it. I don't care whether you arrest
+the top-hat batterers, or the battered top-hatters; all I say is, do
+your duty, whatever happens--
+
+  'So somebody, no matter who,
+    You must arrest or rue it;
+  As I'm the Mayor of Tooraloo,
+  And you've the painful job to do,
+    I call on you to do it.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Very well,' said the Constable, peevishly, 'as I've got to take all the
+responsibility, I'll settle the matter by arresting the Puddin'. As far
+as I can see, he's the ringleader in this disturbance.'
+
+'You're a carrot-nosed poltroon,' said the Puddin' loudly. 'As for the
+Mayor, he's a sausage-shaped porous plaster,' and he gave him a sharp
+pinch in the leg.
+
+'What a ferocious Puddin',' said the Mayor, turning as pale as a turnip.
+'Officer, do your duty and arrest this dangerous felon before he
+perpetrates further sacrilegious acts.'
+
+'That's all very well, you know,' said the Constable, turning as pale as
+tripe; 'but he might nip me.'
+
+'I can't help that,' cried the Mayor, angrily. 'At all costs I must be
+protected from danger. Do your duty and arrest this felon with your
+hat.'
+
+The Constable looked round, gasped, and summoning all his courage,
+scooped up the Puddin' in his hat.
+
+'My word,' he said, breathlessly, 'but that was a narrow squeak. I
+expected every moment to be my last.'
+
+'Now we breathe more freely,' said the Mayor, and led the way to the
+Tooraloo Court House.
+
+'If this isn't too bad,' said Bill, furiously. 'Here we've had all the
+worry and trouble of fightin' puddin'-thieves night and day, and, on top
+of it all, here's this Tooralooral tadpole of a Mayor shovin' his nose
+into the business and arrestin' our Puddin' without rhyme or reason.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As they had arrived at the Court House at that moment, Bill was forced
+to smother his resentment for the time being. There was nobody in Court
+except the Judge and the Usher, who were seated on the bench having a
+quiet game of cards over a bottle of port.
+
+'Order in the Court,' shouted the Usher, as they all came crowding in;
+and the Judge, seeing the Constable carrying the Puddin' in his hat,
+said severely:
+
+'This won't do, you know; it's Contempt of Court, bringing your lunch
+here.'
+
+'An' it please you, My Lord,' said the Constable hurriedly, 'this here
+Puddin' has been arrested for pinching the Mayor.'
+
+'As a consequence of which, I see you've pinched the Puddin',' said the
+Judge facetiously. 'Dear me, what spirits I am in to-day, to be sure!'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'The felon has an aroma most dangerously suggestive of beef gravy,' said
+the Usher, solemnly.
+
+'Beef gravy?' said the Judge. 'Now, it seems to me that the aroma is
+much more subtly suggestive of steak and kidney.'
+
+'Garnished, I think, with onions,' said the Usher.
+
+'In order to settle this knotty point, just hand the felon up here a
+moment,' said the Judge. 'I don't suppose you've got a knife about you?'
+he asked.
+
+'I've got a paper-knife,' said the Usher; and, the Puddin' having been
+handed up to the bench, the Judge and the Usher cut a slice each, and
+had another glass of port.
+
+Bill was naturally enraged at seeing total strangers eating
+Puddin'-owners' private property, and he called out loudly:
+
+'Common justice and the lawful rights of Puddin'-owners.'
+
+'Silence in the Court while the Judge is eating,' shouted the Usher; and
+the Judge said severely--
+
+  'I really think you ought
+    To see I'm taking food,
+  So, Silence in the Court!
+  (I'm also taking port),
+    If you intrude, in manner rude,
+  A lesson you'll be taught.'
+
+'An' it please Your Lordship,' said the Mayor, pointing to Bill, 'this
+person is a brutal assaulter of people wearing top-hats.'
+
+'No insults,' said Bill, and he gave the Mayor a slap in the face.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Mayor went as pale as cheese, and the Usher called out: 'No
+face-slapping while the judge is dining!' and the Judge said, angrily--
+
+  'It's really far from nice,
+    As you ought to be aware,
+  While I am chewing a slice,
+    To have you slapping the Mayor.
+  If I have to complain of you again
+    I'll commit you in a trice,
+    You'd better take my advice;
+    Don't let me warn you twice.'
+
+'All very well for you to talk,' said Bill, scornfully, 'sittin' up
+there eatin' our Puddin'. I'm a respectable Puddin'-owner, an' I calls
+on you to hand over that Puddin' under threat of an action-at-law for
+wrongful imprisonment, trespass, and illegally using the same.'
+
+'Personal remarks to the Judge are not allowed,' shouted the Usher, and
+the Judge said solemnly--
+
+  'A Judge must be respected,
+    A Judge you mustn't knock,
+  Or else you'll be detected
+    And shoved into the dock.
+    You'll get a nasty shock
+    When gaolers turn the lock.
+  In prison cell you'll give a yell
+    To hear the hangman knock.'
+
+Here, the Usher took off his coat, as the day was warm, and hung it on
+the back of his chair. He then rapped on the bench and said--
+
+  'In the name of the Law I must request
+  Less noise while we're having a well-earned rest,
+  For the Judge and the Usher never must shirk
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  A well-earned rest in the middle of work.
+  It's the duty of both they are well aware
+  To preserve their precious lives with care;
+  It's their duty, when feeling overwrought,
+  To preserve their lives with Puddin' and Port.'
+
+He sat down and tossed off a bumper of port to prove his words. 'Your
+deal, I think,' said the Judge, and they went on sipping and munching
+and dealing out cards. At this, Bill gave way to despair.
+
+'What on earth's to be done?' he asked. 'Here's these legal ferrets has
+got our Puddin' in their clutches, and here's us, spellbound with
+anguish, watchin' them wolfin' it. Here's a situation as would wring
+groans from the breast of a boiled onion.'
+
+'Why, it's worse than droppin' soverins down a drain,' said Sam.
+
+'It's worse than catchin' your whiskers in the mangle,' said Bill.
+
+By a fortunate chance, at this moment the Possum happened to put his
+snout within Bill's reach, and Bill hit it a swinging clout to relieve
+his feelings.
+
+'It's unlawful,' shouted the Possum, 'to hit a man's snout unexpectedly
+when he isn't engaged puddin'-stealing.'
+
+'Observe the rules,' said the Wombat solemnly. 'Be kind to snouts when
+not engaged in theft.'
+
+'If it hadn't been for you two tryin' to steal our Puddin' all this
+trouble wouldn't have happened,' said Bill.
+
+'It's the Mayor's fault for bringing us all here,' cried the Possum,
+angrily. 'If you was a just man, you'd clout him on the snout, too.'
+
+'The Mayor's to blame,' said the Wombat. 'What about the whole lot of us
+settin' on to him?'
+
+At this suggestion the Mayor trembled so violently that his hat fell
+off.
+
+'What dreadful words are these?' he asked, and the Constable said
+hurriedly, 'Never set on to the Mayor while the local Constable is
+present. Let that be your golden rule.'
+
+'That's all very well,' said Bill, 'but if you two hadn't come
+interferin' at the wrong moment, our Puddin' wouldn't have been
+arrested, and all this trouble wouldn't have happened. As you're
+responsible, the question now is, What are you going to do about it?'
+
+'My advice is,' said the Constable, impressively, 'resign yourselves to
+Fate.'
+
+'My advice,' said the Mayor in a low voice, 'is general expressions of
+esteem and friendship, hand-shaking all round, inquiries after each
+other's health, chatty remarks about the weather, the price of potatoes,
+and how well the onions are looking.'
+
+Bill treated these suggestions with scorn. 'If any man in the company
+has better advice to offer, let him stand forth,' said he.
+
+Bunyip Bluegum stood forth. 'My advice,' he said, 'is this: try the case
+without the Judge; or, in other words, assume the legal functions of
+this defaulting personage in the bag-wig who is at present engaged in
+distending himself illegally with our Puddin'. For mark how runs the
+axiom--
+
+  'If you've a case without a Judge,
+  It's clear your case will never budge;
+  But if a Judge you have to face,
+  The chances are you'll lose your case.
+  To win your case, and save your pelf,
+  Why, try the blooming case yourself!'
+
+'As usual, our friend here solves the problem in a few well-chosen
+words,' said Bill, and preparations were made at once for trying the
+case. After a sharp struggle, in which it was found necessary to bend
+the Possum's snout severely in order to make him listen to reason, the
+puddin'-thieves were forced into the dock. Their top-hats and
+frock-coats were taken away, for fear the jury might take them for
+undertakers, and not scoundrels. The Mayor and the Constable were pushed
+into the jury box to perform the duties of twelve good men and true, and
+the others took seats about the Court as witnesses for the prosecution.
+
+There was some delay before the proceedings began, for Bill said,
+'Here's me, the Crown Prosecutor, without a wig. This'll never do.'
+Fortunately, a wig was found in the Judge's private room, and Bill put
+it on with great satisfaction.
+
+'I'm afraid this is unconstitutional,' said the Mayor to the Constable.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'It is unconstitutional,' said the Constable; 'but it's better than
+getting a punch on the snout.'
+
+The Mayor turned so pale at this that the Constable had to thrust a
+banana into his mouth to restore his courage.
+
+'Thank you,' said the Mayor, peevishly; 'but, on the whole, I prefer to
+be restored with peeled bananas.'
+
+'Order in the jury box,' said Bill, sharply, and the Mayor having
+hurriedly bolted his banana, peel and all, proceedings commenced.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Gentlemen of the Jury,' said Bill, 'the case before you is one
+aboundin' in horror and amazement. Persons of the lowest morals has
+disguised themselves in pot-hats in order to decoy a Puddin' of tender
+years from his lawful guardians. It is related in the archives of the
+Noble Order of Puddin'-owners that previous to this dastardly attempt a
+valuable bag, the property of Sir Benjimen Brandysnap, had been stolen
+and the said Puddin'-owners invited to look at a present inside it. The
+said bag was then pulled over their heads, compelling the Puddin'-owners
+aforesaid to endure agonies of partial suffocation, let alone walkin' on
+each other's corns for several hours. Had not Sir Benjimen, the noble
+owner, appeared like a guardian angel and undone the bag, it is doubtful
+if Sir Samuel Sawnoff's corns could have stood the strain much longer,
+his groans bein' such as would have brought tears to the eyes of a
+hard-boiled egg.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'A very moving story,' said the Constable, and the Mayor was so affected
+that the Constable had to stuff a banana into his mouth to prevent him
+bursting into tears.
+
+'I now propose to call Sir Benjimen Brandysnap as first witness for the
+prosecution,' said Bill. 'Kindly step into the witness-box, Sir
+Benjimen, and relate the circumstances ensuin' on your bag bein' stole.'
+
+Benjimen stepped into the box, and, taking a piece of paper from his egg
+basket, said solemnly: 'I was very busy that morning, Gentlemen of the
+Jury, owing to the activity of the vegetables, as hereunder described--
+
+  'On Tuesday morn, as it happened by chance,
+    The parsnips stormed in a rage,
+  Because the young carrots were singing like parrots
+    On top of the onions' cage.
+
+  'The radishes swarmed on the angry air
+    Around with the bumble bees,
+  While the brussels-sprouts were pulling the snouts
+    Of all the young French peas.
+
+  'The artichokes bounded up and down
+    On top of the pumpkins' heads,
+  And the cabbage was dancing the highland fling
+    All over the onion beds.
+
+  'So I hadn't much time, as Your Honour perceives,
+  For watching the habits of puddin'-thieves.'
+
+'Tut, tut, Sir Benjimen,' said Bill, 'stir up your memory, sir; cast
+your eye over them felons in the dock, and tell the Court how you seen
+them steal the bag.'
+
+'The fact is,' said Benjimen, after studying the puddin'-thieves
+carefully, 'as they had their backs turned to me when they were engaged
+in stealing the bag, I should be able to judge better if they were
+turned round.'
+
+'Officer,' said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum, 'kindly turn the felons' backs
+to the witness.'
+
+The Possum and the Wombat objected, saying there wasn't room enough in
+the witness-box to turn round, so it was found necessary to twist their
+snouts the opposite way.
+
+'From this aspect,' said Ben, 'I have no hesitation in saying that those
+are the backs that stole the bags.'
+
+'Make a note of that, Gentlemen of the Jury,' said Bill, and the
+Constable obligingly made a note of it on his banana bag.
+
+'The identity of the bag-stealers bein' now settled,' went on Bill, 'I
+shall kindly ask Sir Benjimen to step down, and call on Sir Samuel
+Sawnoff to ascend the witness-box.'
+
+Sam stepped up cheerfully, but, as the witness-box was the wrong size
+for Penguins, they had to hand him a chair to stand on.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Now, Sir Samuel,' said Bill, impressively, 'I am about to ask you a
+most important leadin' question. Do you happen to notice such a thing
+as a Puddin' in the precinks of the Court?'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Sam shaded his eyes with his flapper and, seeing the Puddin' on the
+bench, started back dramatically.
+
+'Do my eyes deceive me, or is yon object a Puddin'?' he cried.
+
+'Well acted,' said the Mayor, and the Constable clapped loudly.
+
+'I am now about to ask you another leadin' question,' said Bill. 'Do you
+recognize that Puddin'?'
+
+'Do I recognize that Puddin'?' cried Sam in thrilling tones. 'That
+Puddin', sir, is dearer to me than an Uncle. That Puddin', sir, an' me
+has registered vows of eternal friendship and esteem.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  'That Puddin', sir, an' me have sailed the seas,
+  Known tropic suns, and braved the Arctic breeze,
+  We've heard on Popocatepetl's peak
+  The savage Tom-Tom sharpenin' of his beak,
+  We've served the dreadful Jim-Jam up on toast,
+  When shipwrecked off the Coromandel coast,
+  And when we heard the frightful Bim-Bam rave,
+  Have plunged beneath the Salonican wave.
+  We've delved for Bulbuls' eggs on coral strands,
+  And chased the Pompeydon in distant lands.
+  That Puddin', sir, and me, has, back to back,
+  Withstood the fearful Rumty Tums' attack,
+  And swum the Indian Ocean for our lives,
+  Pursued by Oysters, armed with oyster knives.
+  Let me but say, e'er these adventures cloy,
+  I've knowed that Puddin' since he were a boy.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'All lies,' sang out the Puddin', looking over the rim of his basin.
+'For well you know that you and old Bill Barnacle collared me off Curry
+and Rice after rolling him off the iceberg.'
+
+'Albert, Albert,' said Bill, sternly. 'Where's your manners:
+interruptin' Sir Samuel in that rude way, and him a-performin' like an
+actor for your deliverance!'
+
+'How much longer do you expect me to stay up here, bein' guzzled by
+these legal land-crabs?' demanded the Puddin'.
+
+'You shall stay there, Albert, till the case is well and truly tried by
+these here noble Peers of the Realm assembled,' said Bill, impressively.
+
+'Too much style about you,' said the Puddin', rudely, and he threw the
+Judge's glass of port into Bill's face, remarking: 'Take that, for being
+a pumpkin-headed old shellback.'
+
+There was a great uproar over this very illegal act. The Judge was
+enraged at losing his port, and the Mayor was filled with horror because
+Bill wiped his face on the mayoral hat. Sam had to feign amazement at
+being called a liar, and the puddin'-thieves kept shouting: 'Time, time;
+we can't stand here all day.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In desperation, Bill bawled at the top of his voice: 'I call on
+Detective Bluegum to restore order in the Court.'
+
+Bunyip ran into the witness-box and, with a ready wit, shouted: 'I have
+dreadful news to impart to this honourable Court.'
+
+All eyes, of course, turned on Bunyip, who, raising his hand with an
+impressive gesture, said in thrilling tones: 'From information
+received, it has been discovered that the Puddin' was poisoned at
+ten-thirty this morning.'
+
+This news restored order at once. The Judge turned pale as lard, and the
+Usher, having a darker complexion, turned as pale as soap. The Puddin'
+couldn't turn pale, so he let out a howl of terror.
+
+'Poisoned,' said the Usher, feebly. 'How, how?'
+
+'Poisoned,' said the Judge, feeling his stomach with trembling hands.
+'Until this moment I was under the delusion that a somewhat unpleasant
+sensation of being, as it were, distended, was merely due to having
+eaten seven slices. But if--'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'If,' said the Usher, in a quavering voice--
+
+  'If you take a poisoned Puddin'
+    And that poisoned Puddin' chew
+  The sensations that you suffer
+    I should rather say were due
+  To the poison in the Puddin'
+    In the act of Poisoning You.
+  And I think the fact suffices
+    Through this dreadfulest of crimes,
+  As you've eaten seven slices
+    You've been poisoned seven times.'
+
+'It was your idea having it up on the bench,' said the Judge, angrily,
+to the Usher. 'Now,
+
+  'If what you say is true,
+  That idea you'll sadly rue,
+  The poison I have eaten is entirely due to you.
+  It's by taking your advice
+  That I've had my seventh slice,
+  So I'll tell you what I'll do
+  Why, I'll beat you black and blue,'
+
+and with that he hit the Usher a smart crack on the head with a port
+bottle.
+
+'Don't strike a poisoned man,' shouted the Usher; but the Judge went on
+smacking and cracking him with the bottle, singing--
+
+  'The emotion of pity
+    Need never be sought
+  In a Judge who's been poisoned
+    By Puddin' and Port.'
+
+In desperation, the Usher leapt off the bench, and landed head first in
+the dock, where he stuck like a sardine.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+'Too bad, too bad,' shouted the puddin'-thieves. 'Crowding in here where
+there's only room for two.' Before they could get rid of the Usher, the
+Judge bounded over the bench and commenced whacking them with the
+bottle, singing--
+
+  'As I find great satisfaction
+    Hitting anybody who
+  Can offer that distraction,
+    Why, I'll have a go at you,'
+and he went on bounding and whacking away with the bottle, while the
+puddin'-thieves kept roaring, and the Usher kept screaming. The uproar
+was deafening.
+
+'Just listen to it,' said Bill, in despair. 'I'd like to know how on
+earth we are going to finish the case with all this umptydoodle rumpus
+going on.'
+
+'Why,' said Bunyip, 'the simpler course is not to finish the case at
+all.'
+
+'Solved, as usual,' said Bill and, seizing the Puddin' from the bench,
+he dashed out of Court, followed by Sam, Ben, and Bunyip Bluegum.
+
+As they ran they could hear the Judge still whacking away at everybody,
+including the Mayor, and the Constable, whose screams were piercing.
+'Indeed,' said Bunyip--
+
+  'I rather think they'll rather rue
+  The haste with which they sought to sue
+  Us, in the Court of Tooraloo.
+    For, mark how just is Fate!
+
+  'The whole benighted, blooming crew,
+  The Puddin'-thieves, the Usher too,
+  Are being beaten black and blue
+    With bottles on the pate.
+
+  'I rather think they will eschew,
+  In future, Puddin'-owners who
+  Pass through the simple rural view
+    About the town of Tooraloo.'
+
+'And now,' said Bill, when they had run a mile or two beyond the town,
+'and now for some brilliant plan, swiftly conceived, which will put a
+stop to this Puddin'-snatchin' business for ever. For the point is,'
+continued Bill, lowering his voice, 'here we are pretty close up to the
+end of the book, and something will have to be done in a Tremendous
+Hurry, or else we'll be cut off short by the cover.'
+
+'The solution is perfectly simple,' said Bunyip. 'We have merely to stop
+wandering along the road, and the story will stop wandering through the
+book. This, too, will baffle the puddin'-thieves, for while we wander
+along the road, our Puddin' is exposed to the covetous glances of every
+passing puddin'-snatcher. Let us, then, remove to some safe, secluded
+spot and settle down to a life of gaiety, dance, and song, where no
+puddin'-thief will dare to show a sacrilegious head. Let us, in fact,
+build a house in a tree. For, mark the advantages of such a habitation--
+
+  'Up on high
+  No neighbours pry
+    In at the window,
+  On the sly.
+
+  'Up in a tree
+  You're always free
+    From bores and bailiffs,
+  You'll agree.
+
+  'Up on high
+  Bricks you shy
+    At bores and bailiffs
+  Passing by.
+
+  'Up in the leaves
+  One never grieves
+    Over the pranks
+  Of puddin'-thieves.
+
+  'If you would be
+  Gay and free,
+    Take my tip and
+  Live in a tree.'
+
+'We will, we will,' shouted the Puddin'-owners; but the Puddin' said
+sourly: 'This is all very well, all this high falutin'. But what about
+the dreadful news of being poisoned at ten-thirty this morning?'
+
+'You ain't poisoned, Albert,' said Bill. 'That was only a mere _ruse de
+guerre_, as they say in the noosepapers.'
+
+'A what?' demanded the Puddin', suspiciously.
+
+'Let words be sufficient, without explanation,' said Bill, severely.
+'And as we haven't time to waste talkin' philosophy to a Puddin', why,
+into the bag he goes, or we'll never get the story finished.'
+
+So Puddin' was bundled into the bag, and Bill said, hurriedly:
+'Brilliant as our friend Bunyip had proved himself with his ready wit,
+it remains for old Bill to suggest the brightest idea of all. Here is
+our friend Ben, a market gardener of the finest description. Very well.
+Why not build our house in his market garden. The advantages are
+obvious. Vegetables free of charge the whole year round, and fruit in
+season. Eggs to be had for the askin', and a fine, simple, honest feller
+like Ben, to chat to of an evening. What could be more delightful?'
+
+Ben looked very grave at this proposal and began: 'I very much doubt
+whether there will be enough bed clothes for four people, let alone the
+carrots are very nervous of strangers--' when Bill cut him short with a
+hearty clap on the back.
+
+'Say no more,' said Bill, handsomely. 'Rough, good-humoured fellers like
+us don't need apologies, or any social fal-lals at all. We'll take you
+as we find you. Without more ado, we shall build a house in your market
+garden.'
+
+And, without more ado, they did.
+
+The picture overleaf saves the trouble of explaining how they built it,
+and what a splendid house it is. In order that the Puddin' might have
+plenty of exercise, they made him a little Puddin' paddock, whence he
+can shout rude remarks to the people passing by; a habit, I grieve to
+state, he is very prone to.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Of course, at night they pull up the ladder in case a stray
+puddin'-thief happens to be prowling around. If a friend calls to have a
+quiet chat, or to join in a sing-song round the fire, they let the
+ladder down for him.
+
+And a very pleasant life they lead, sitting of a summer evening on the
+balcony while Ben does his little market-garden jobs below, and the
+Puddin' throws bits of bark at the cabbages, and pulls faces at the
+little pickle onions, in order to make them squeak with terror.
+
+On winter nights there is always Puddin' and hot coffee for supper, and
+many's the good go in I've had up there, a-sitting round the fire.
+
+I didn't mean to let on that I knew their address, on account of so many
+people wanting to have a go at the Puddin'. However, it's out now.
+
+When the wind blows and the rain comes down, it's jolly sitting up aloft
+in the snug tree-house, especially when old Bill is in good form and
+gives us the _Salt Junk Sarah_, with all hands joining in the chorus.
+
+  'Oh, rolling round the ocean,
+    From a far and foreign land,
+  May suit the common notion
+    That a sailor's life is grand.
+
+  'But as for me, I'd sooner be
+    A-roaring here at home
+  About the rolling, roaring life
+    Of them that sails the foam.
+
+  'For the homeward-bounder's chorus,
+    Which he roars across the foam,
+  Is all about chucking a sailor's life,
+    And settling down at home.
+
+  'Home, home, home,
+    That's the song of them that roam,
+  The song of the roaring, rolling sea
+    Is all about rolling home.'
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Magic Pudding, by Norman Lindsay
+
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