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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, May
+10, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, May 10, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 14, 2007  [eBook #22992]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, MAY 10, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22992-h.htm or 22992-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/9/22992/22992-h/22992-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/9/22992/22992-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+MAY 10, 1916
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Many graphic tales have been told of the immense loads of plunder
+carried off during the fighting in Dublin; but there has been looting on
+a large scale elsewhere, if one may believe the headline of a
+contemporary:--"Man arrested with Colt in his pocket at Bloomsbury."
+
+       ***
+
+Says a writer in The _Daily Chronicle_: "In one neighbourhood within the
+Zeppelin zone there are hundreds of partridges who defy the Defence of
+the Realm Act. Two or three hours before anyone else is aware that the
+baby-killers are approaching these bold birds go chuckle, chuckle,
+chuckle, as if there were an army of the more human sort of poachers
+about." Personally we have always felt that the section of the Defence
+of the Realm Act which forbids one to go chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, when
+the Zeppelins are approaching is superfluous as well as in inferior
+taste.
+
+       ***
+
+Dr. WALFORD DAVIS, in a lecture on "Songs for Home Singing," recently
+told his hearers how Major Tom Bridges saved a couple of battalions at
+the Front with two penny whistles. We feel bound to point out however
+that any attempt to save the nation with the same exiguous weapons would
+be too hazardous to be encouraged.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to a lack of the necessary dyes there will soon be no more red
+tape available for the War Office and elsewhere. It is to be hoped,
+however, that the familiar and picturesque salutation with which staff
+officers are in the habit of taking leave of one another, "So long, Old
+Tape!" will not be allowed to become obsolete.
+
+       ***
+
+Attention has recently been drawn to the number of strapping boys who
+are idling their time away in cinema houses in the absence of their
+fathers at the Front. Their strapping fathers, of course.
+
+       ***
+
+According to the President of the Baptist Union, "you must hit a
+Londoner at least six times before he smarts." We do not presume to
+dispute this statement, but what we want to know is, how was the
+Londoner occupied while the President of the Baptist Union was
+conducting his extremely interesting experiment?
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the scarcity of tonnage, Denmark shipowners have put into
+commission two 18th-century sailing vessels. Meanwhile in the
+neighbourhood of Mount Ararat there is, we learn, some talk of
+organising an expedition for the recovery of the Ark with a view to her
+utilisation in the cattle-carrying trade.
+
+       ***
+
+The Recorder of Pontefract states that in a recent walk he followed for
+three miles three men who were smoking, and counted sixty-two matches
+struck by them. It is reported that the gentlemen concerned have since
+called upon the Recorder to explain that it was in a spirit of war
+economy that they had dispensed with the services of the torch-bearer
+who had hitherto attended their movements.
+
+       ***
+
+There will be no Bakers' Exhibition this year, it is announced. Many
+_chic_ models however, both in _gáteaux_ and the new open-work
+_confiserie_, will be privately exhibited.
+
+       ***
+
+A contributor to _The Observer_ draws our attention to the phenomenally
+early return of the swifts. But after all there must be something
+particularly soothing about England these days to a neurotic fowl like a
+swift.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that Mr. BIRRELL has lately thrown off one of his _obiter
+dicta_--to the effect that Mr. Asquith and his colleagues have expressed
+an ambition to go down in the pages of history as the "Ministry of All
+the Buried Talents."
+
+       ***
+
+It was a confirmed dyspeptic of our acquaintance who, on reading that in
+Paris they are serving a half-mourning salad consisting mainly of sliced
+potatoes, artichokes and pickled walnuts, expressed surprise at their
+failure to add a few radishes to the dish, so that they might be
+thoroughly miserable while they were about it.
+
+       ***
+
+According to a contemporary, Mr. H. B. IRVING'S _Cassius_ "came very
+near to Shakespeare." A delightful change from the innumerable Cassii
+that are modelled, for instance, on Mr. W. W. JACOBS.
+
+       ***
+
+Sir THOMAS LIPTON'S yacht, the _Erin_, has been sunk in the
+Mediterranean, and no doubt the Germans think they have done something
+to go bragh about.
+
+       ***
+
+Italians are being invited by means of circulars dropped from balloons
+to desert to the Austrians, the sum of 5s. 8d. being offered to each
+deserter. This is no doubt what is technically known as a _ballon
+d'essai_.
+
+       ***
+
+The House of Commons is giving serious consideration to the Daylight
+Saving Scheme. But certain occupants of the Treasury Bench (we are
+careful not to "refer to" them as members of the Cabinet) are said to be
+withholding their support till they know what it is that the surplus
+daylight is to be let into.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAY PARADE.
+
+[Illustration: _Officer._ "Have you made an allotment?"
+
+_Recruit._ "Oh, no, Sir! I give up me fowls and cabbages the day afore I
+joined the army."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "London, April 6.--A Zeppelin airship attacked the north-east
+    coast of England on Wednesday afternoon, but was driven off by
+    our anti-Haircraft defences."
+
+    _Daily Chronicle (Jamaica)._
+
+This subtle allusion to the former occupation of the Zeppelin crew has,
+we believe, caused much anxiety among the ex-barbers in the German
+Service, who fear that the A.A.C. will go for them bald-headed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "April 23rd was ... the 300th anniversary of the birth of
+    Shakespeare and of the death of Shakespeare."--_Daily Paper._
+
+And to think of all he accomplished in less than twenty-four hours!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a Red Cross sale:--
+
+    "The exors. of the late Robert Dawson's calf made £6."--_Eastern
+    Daily Press._
+
+We wonder if this generous gift came out of the pockets of the
+next-of-kine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "For whoever was responsible for that blunder, which in most
+    countries would certainly have evoked a cry of betrayal, the
+    mainsheet of Nelson's Victory would be all too inadequate as a
+    penitential white sheet and far too illustrious as a shroud."
+
+    _The Leader (British East Africa)._
+
+We agree, but it would make a splendid halter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY OF THOMAS.
+
+Theory and Practice.
+
+Scene._--Sand on the ---- Frontier of ---. A Cavalry outpost recently
+arrived is sitting in a hollow in a vile temper, morosely gouging hunks
+of tepid bully beef out of red tins. Several thousand mosquitos are
+assiduously eating the outpost. There is nothing to do except to kill
+the beasts and watch the antics of the scavenger beetle, who extracts a
+precarious livelihood from the sand by rolling all refuse into little
+balls and burying them. It is very hot._
+
+_1st Trooper._ Shoot the devils, I would. I can't understand their
+letting 'em go the way they do. The first one I meets I shoots. Killing
+our wounded the way they do.
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Ay, and killing's not the worst they do, neither. You
+should ha' seen them, two poor fellows of ours wot was found. You
+wouldn't be taking no prisoners after that.
+
+_1st Trooper._ If I 'ad my way I wouldn't take no prisoners. 'Tain't
+safe, for one thing. That was 'ow pore old Bill got done in; went to
+take a white-headed old devil prisoner as might have been his
+grandfather, and he up and strafed him in the stomach with a shot-gun.
+Don't care 'oo it is. They say the women's as bad as the men.
+
+_Corporal (darkly)._ Ah, shooting's too good for 'em, I say, after wot
+they done.
+
+_1st Trooper._ They do say they're starving now. Living on grass, 'alf
+of 'em; specially after that lot of camels wot was captured.
+
+_Corporal (darkly)._ Ah, let 'em starve, I say. Starving's too good for
+'em after wot they done.
+
+_2nd Trooper._ That's just it. They won't let 'em starve. As soon as
+they've finished killing our wounded they comes into our camp with all
+their families, and we feeds 'em up with dates and biscuits and probably
+lets 'em go again.
+
+_1st Trooper._ We're too soft-'earted, that's wot we are. Them Germans
+wouldn't carry on like that; they'd shoot 'em quick and no more said.
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Ay, you're right there, and when we gets home the first
+thing we shall find is a relief fund to provide food for 'em.
+
+_Corporal._ Well, they'd better not come near _this_ post; they won't
+get no dates 'ere.
+
+_Sentry._ Corporal, I can see 'alf-a-dozen of them blighters coming
+along about a mile away. Shall I give 'em one?
+
+_Corporal._ No, you idiot. Let's 'ave a look at 'em first.
+
+_[Enter a middle-aged Arab, dressed in the most indescribable rags and
+in the last stage of exhaustion. He is followed at long intervals by his
+family to two generations, who watch his reception anxiously from
+afar.]_
+
+_Arab (falling flat on his face at sight of the Corporal). Bimbashi,
+bimbashi, mongeries, mongeries._
+
+_Corporal._ Yes, I'll bash yer all right. Grey-'eaded old reprobate, you
+ought to know better.
+
+_Arab (in an anguished voice). Mongeries, mongeries._
+
+_1st Trooper._ Lord, he do look thin, por beggar. _Mongeries_--that
+means food, don't it? 'E looks as if 'e hadn't eaten nothing for weeks.
+'Ere, 'ave a biscuit, old sport.
+
+_[Arab makes a spasmodic wriggle towards him.]_
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Look out, Bill, 'e's going to bite your leg.
+
+_1st Trooper (with dignity)._ No, 'e ain't; 'e's a-going to kiss my
+boots. Gorblimy, 'e's a rum old devil!
+
+_Corporal (suddenly remembering his duty)._ 'Ere you, take your clothes
+off. Efta aygry. Strip.
+
+_[The Arab undoes his rags, which slip to the ground.]_
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Blimy, Alf, look at 'em. I never see such a thing in my
+life. Look at that big one on his neck.
+
+_1st Trooper (suddenly)._ I say, old chap, don't you never 'ave a bath?
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Lord, though, ain't he thin? 'E's a fair skeleton.
+
+_[The Arab puts on his clothes again and falls exhausted with the
+effort.]_
+
+_Corporal._ Pore old feller, 'e's fair done; give 'im a biscuit, Alf.
+
+_1st Trooper._ Try 'im with some bully; they say they won't eat that,
+though.
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Won't 'e! I never seen the stuff go so quick. 'Ere, old
+feller, don't eat the tin.
+
+_Corporal._ Don't give 'im any more or 'e'll kill 'isself. Let's see if
+his family can do the disappearing trick as quick as 'e can. Poor
+devils, they've been through something. 'Ere, you family, _mongeries_.
+_Tala henna._
+
+_[The family are brought up and fed on the day's rations.]_
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Lord, Alf, look at this kid; 'is legs ain't as thick as
+my finger; cries just like they do at 'ome too. 'Ere, 'ave a bit o' jam.
+
+_Corporal._ Take 'em back to camp now and 'and 'em over. Come on, old
+boy; you're all right. Lord, ain't they pretty near done. Lucky they
+found us when they did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Better Half.
+
+    "Thames Ditton.--Attested man called up willing to let half
+    house, or take another lady in similar position."--_Daily
+    Telegraph._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WE GIVE OUR SONS."
+
+  Such our proud cry--a vain and empty boast;
+    Love did not ask so great a sacrifice;
+  The first _réveillé_ found you at your post;
+    You knew the cost; clear-eyed you paid the price;
+  Some far clear call we were too dull to hear
+        Had caught your ear.
+
+  Not ours to urge you, or to know the voice;
+    No stern decree you followed or obeyed;
+  Nothing compelled your swift unerring choice,
+    Except the stuff of which your dreams were made;
+  To that high instinct passionately true,
+        Your way you knew.
+
+  We did not give you--all unasked you went,
+    Sons of a greater motherhood than ours;
+  To our proud hearts your young brief lives were lent,
+    Then swept beyond us by resistless powers.
+  Only we hear, when we have lost our all,
+         That far clear call.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Non-Stop Service.
+
+The following announcement was recently made at a Liverpool church:--
+
+    "The service to-night will be at six o'clock, and will be
+    continued until further notice."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Butcher expressed his thanks to Mr. Wood for his kind
+    words, and said it was a great satisfaction to know that his
+    efforts had been appreciated, and very gratifying to be thanked
+    by one of the staff. He might reply in the words of Betsy
+    Twigge, 'Changing the name, the same to you.'"
+
+    _Ashbourne Telegraph._
+
+We note, but do not approve, the change.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Washington, Friday.
+
+    Sir Cecil Spring Rice has been instructed to apologise for the
+    action of the British Governor at Trinidad in failing to return
+    the call of the Secretary to the Treasury, Mr. McAdoo, on the
+    latter's visit on board the American cruiser _Tennessee_."
+
+    _Exchange Telegraph._
+
+Much McAdoo about nothing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Evening News_ publishes an account of a conversation between
+"Prince Henry of Prussia (the Kaiser's brother) and Admiral Issimo, of
+Germany." The Issimos are a most distinguished fighting family (of
+Italian origin), and whenever they have adopted either a military or
+naval career have invariably come to the very top.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAKE UP, ENGLAND!
+
+[Illustration: The Sun (_to Householder_). "NOW, THEN, WHY WASTE YOUR
+DAYLIGHT? SAVE IT AND GIVE IT TO THE COUNTRY."
+
+(If only for the sake of economy in artificial light during War-time,
+the Daylight-saving scheme should have the support of all patriots.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+XXXIX.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--There comes a time in the life of the military motor
+when, owing to one thing or another (but mostly another), it becomes a
+casualty and retires, on the ground of ill-health, to the Base. As such
+it is towed into the nearest workshops; but, before it departs to the
+Base there arrive, from all corners of the Army area, drivers of other
+similar motors, coming, as you might say, "for a purpose." These are the
+vultures who have got to hear of the affair, are sorry indeed that such
+mishaps should occur, but, stifling their sorrow, see their way to
+snaffle some little benefit for themselves.
+
+One vulture will come to exchange old lamps for new, another to do a
+deal in magnetos, and a third, may be, to better himself in the matter
+of wheels. There will be some squabbling, and, when the work is done,
+the last state of that casualty will be worse than the first, and it
+will proceed to the Base a melancholy collection of all the most
+dilapidated parts in the area, for which even the most optimistic
+authority at the back of beyond will see no useful future.
+
+Yesterday the following interview took place at my little office, which
+is also my little home and is very handsomely and elaborately furnished
+with a system of boxes, some to sit on, some to write on and some to go
+to sleep in.
+
+"An officer to see you, Sir," said the orderly, and in there came a
+representative from Signals who was pleased to meet me. I put aside my
+work in order to deal with him politely, firmly and once and for all.
+
+"If," I said haughtily, "you are the gentleman who rings me up on the
+telephone every morning at 7 A.M., goes on ringing me up till I creep to
+the instrument and murmur 'Hello!' and then tells me that is all and
+will I please ring off, then I too am glad we have met at last."
+
+He denied the suggestion so hotly that I unbent a little. I asked him to
+be seated, and offered him a part of my bed for the purpose.
+
+"It's like this," he began.
+
+"Is it?" said I. "Then no doubt you want me to sign an Army Form and
+take all the responsibility?"
+
+"For what?" he asked.
+
+"I'm sure I don't know," I answered; "and it doesn't much matter, for I
+shall only pass it on to someone else, please."
+
+For once it wasn't an Army Form. Was I not, he ventured to ask, the
+proprietor of a small car?
+
+"What was once a small car before it met what was once a large telegraph
+pole," I said thoughtlessly.
+
+He was glad to hear this, as he too was the owner of a small car. We
+shook hands on that, though we knew all the time that H.M. Government
+was the owner of both. H.M. Government not being present, however, to
+insist on its rights, we were able to do a quiet swank. In the course of
+it he mentioned, quite by the way, the matter of shock-absorbers. He had
+reason to believe that my car could spare his car a couple of these.
+
+I saw the need for hedging. "That telegraph pole I mentioned just now
+wasn't really very large," I explained, "and it came away quietly,
+offering no resistance."
+
+He smiled knowingly at that.
+
+"Were _you_," I continued, fixing a cold and relentless eye upon
+him--"were you equally lucky with your--your--?"
+
+"Small lorry," he said, with a faint blush. "A tiny lorry, in fact."
+
+"Not more than a dozen tons or so?" I suggested. "No doubt it passed
+quite gradually over you, frightening more than hurting you, and you
+were able to walk home with remainder of small motor in pocket of
+greatcoat?"
+
+He didn't go into that subject. "By the way," he said, "I happened to be
+round at the workshops just now----"
+
+"Did you, indeed?" I took him up. "Then let me tell you at once that the
+wreckage in the workshop's yard was not my small car, so you may abandon
+any hopes you had built upon that."
+
+He appeared to be surprised at the attitude I adopted.
+
+"No," he said slowly--"no, I knew that wasn't _your_ car."
+
+I thought rapidly. "It was _yours_," I hazarded, "and your idea was to
+re-equip that battered wreck at the expense of my very slightly injured
+property?"
+
+He smiled shamelessly.
+
+"You are a most unscrupulous officer," I said, "and I'm beginning to
+think you _are_ the voice which gets me out of bed--I mean, interrupts
+my work--every morning at dawn."
+
+"No, really," he replied, glad to have something to be honest about. "At
+that hour I am always in--at work myself."
+
+We shook hands again on that and I offered him a cigarette.
+
+"Have one of mine," said he.
+
+"No, no," I pressed; "you have one of mine."
+
+Again, if the truth had been admitted, H.M. Government was the rightful
+owner of both.
+
+"Of course," he explained, "you saw my little 'bus from quite its worst
+aspect in that yard."
+
+I was for getting to business. "I want," said I, "a back axle-shaft, a
+head-light, a wind-screen and some mud-guards. What's yours?"
+
+"I could do with a spare wheel-holder, a horn, a couple of yards of
+foot-board," he said. "Two shock-absorbers and at least one wheel I must
+have."
+
+A little discussion proved that between us we could put up a very decent
+car. The only difficulty arose from a doubt as to what was to happen
+when we went out in it. It would still be a two-seater, and neither of
+our chauffeurs was small enough to be carried in the tool-box. Who was
+going to drive, who was going to sit by and, when occasion demanded,
+step out and do the dirty work? Neither of us seeing his way to give in
+on these points, we had to think of some other solution.
+
+"You mentioned the workshops just now," I said. "Were you going on to
+say that the officer in charge told you of another small car which was
+in trouble?"
+
+"He did," said Signals.
+
+"Same here," said I. "Did he then recommend you to get what you wanted
+off that other car?"
+
+"He did," said Signals.
+
+"Same here," said I. "And did you also ascertain that this officer in
+charge possesses a small car of his own rich in standard parts?"
+
+"I did," said Signals.
+
+"Same here," said I. "Let us go out and look for that----"
+
+"Officer in charge," said Signals.
+
+"No," said I, "his car." I felt that we were justified, in the
+circumstances, in dividing it between us.
+
+But there is no limit to these officers in charge of workshops. We had
+the greatest difficulty in finding his car at all, and, when we did, it
+had the appearance of being deliberately concealed. Worse still; when we
+found the car we found also a sentry standing over it, with rifle and
+fixed bayonet. Though we took this to be a direct insult to ourselves,
+we were too proud to go and expostulate with the officer himself about
+it.
+
+Yours ever, Henry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Unfortunate position of once popular Berlin naval battle
+artist, whose occupation has vanished through his having rashly sunk the
+entire British Fleet at an early stage of the war.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The conscientious special.]
+
+[Illustration: the ingenious bank manager.]
+
+[Illustration: and the cautious burglar.]
+
+[Illustration: who lacked staying power.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LETTER.
+
+(From Captain Claude Seaforth to a novelist friend.)
+
+MY DEAR MAN,--You asked me to tell you if anything very remarkable came
+my way. I think I have a story for you at last. If I could only write I
+would make something of it myself, but not being of Kitchener's Army I
+can't.
+
+The other day, while I was clearing up papers and accounts and all over
+ink, as I always get, the Sergeant came to me, looking very rum. "Two
+young fellows want to see you," he said.
+
+Of course I said I was too busy and that he must deal with them.
+
+"I think you'd rather see them yourself," he said, with another odd
+look.
+
+"What do they want?" I asked.
+
+"They want to enlist," he said; "but they don't want to see the doctor."
+
+We've had some of these before--consumptives of the bull-dog breed, you
+know. Full of pluck but no mortal use; "done in" on the first route
+march.
+
+"Why don't you tell them that they must see the doctor and have done
+with it?" I asked the Sergeant.
+
+Again he smiled queerly. "I made sure you'd rather do it yourself," he
+said. "Shall I send them in?"
+
+So I wished them further and said "Yes;" and in they came.
+
+They were the prettiest boys you ever saw in your life--too pretty. One
+had red hair and the other black, and they were dressed like navvies.
+They held their caps in their hands.
+
+"What's this rubbish about not seeing a doctor?" I asked. You know my
+brutal way.
+
+"We thought perhaps it could be dispensed with," Red Hair said, drawing
+nearer to Black Hair.
+
+"Of course it can't," I told them. "What's the use to the Army of
+weaklings who can't stand the strain? They're just clogs in the
+machinery. Don't you see that?"
+
+"We're very strong," Red Hair said, "only----"
+
+"Only what?"
+
+"Only----" Here they looked at each other, and Red Hair said, "Shall
+we?" and Black Hair said, "Yes;" and they both came closer to me.
+
+"Will you promise," said Red Hair, "that you will treat as confidential
+anything we say to you?"
+
+"So long as it is nothing dangerous to the State," I said, rather proud
+of myself for thinking of it.
+
+"We want to fight for our country," Red Hair began.
+
+"No one wants to fight more," Black Hair put in.
+
+"And we're very strong," Red Hair continued.
+
+"I won a cup for lawn-tennis at Devonshire Park," Black Hair added.
+
+"But," said Red Hair.
+
+"Yes?" I replied.
+
+"Don't you believe in some women being as strong as men?"
+
+"Certainly," I said.
+
+"Well then," said Red Hair, "that's like us. We are as strong as lots of
+men and much keener, and we want you to be kind to us and let us
+enlist."
+
+"We'll never do anything to give ourselves away," said Black Hair; but,
+bless her innocent heart, she was giving herself away all the time.
+Every moment was feminine.
+
+"My dear young ladies," I said at last, "I think you are splendid and an
+example to the world; but what you ask is impossible. Have you thought
+for a moment what it would be like to find yourselves in barracks with
+the ordinary British soldier? He is a brave man and, when you meet him
+alone, he is nearly always a nice man; but collectively he might not do
+as company for you."
+
+"But look at this," said Red Hair, showing me a newspaper-cutting about
+a group of Russian girls known as "The Twelve Friends," who have been
+through the campaign and were treated with the utmost respect by the
+soldiers.
+
+"And there's a woman buried at Brighton," said Black Hair, "who fought
+as a man for years and lived to be a hundred."
+
+"And think of JOAN OF ARC," said Red Hair.
+
+"And BOADICEA," said Black Hair.
+
+"Well," I said, "leaving JOAN OF ARC and BOADICEA aside, possibly those
+Russians and that Brighton woman looked like men, which it is certain
+you don't. But any way we must be serious. What would your people say?"
+
+"We left word," said Red Hair, "that we were going off to do something
+for our country. They won't worry. Oh, please be kind and help us!"
+
+Here all four of their beautiful eyes grow moist.
+
+I could have hugged both of them, but I kept an iron hand on myself.
+
+"You nice absurd creatures," I said, "do be reasonable. To begin with,
+passing the doctor is an absolute necessity. That shuts you out. But
+even if you got through how do you think you would be helping your
+country? All the men would be falling in love with you; and that's bad
+enough as it is after working hours; it would be the ruin of discipline.
+And you could not bear the fatigue. No, go back and learn to be nurses
+and let your lovely hair grow again."
+
+They were very obstinate and very unwilling to entertain the thought of
+drudgery such as nursing after all their dreams of excitement; but at
+last they came to reason, and I sent for a cab and packed them off in it
+(I simply could not bear the idea of other people seeing them in that
+masquerade), and told them that the sooner they changed the better.
+
+After they had gone the Sergeant came in about something.
+
+I said nothing, and he said nothing, each of us waiting for the other.
+
+He moved about absolutely silently, and I dared not meet his glance
+because I knew I should give myself away. The rascal has not been
+running his eye over young women all these years without being able to
+spot them in a moment, even in navvy's clothes.
+
+At last I could stand it no longer. "Damn it," I said, "what are you
+doing? Why don't you go? I didn't send for you." But still I didn't dare
+look up.
+
+"I thought perhaps you had something to say to me, Sir," he said.
+
+"No, I haven't," I replied. "Why should I? What about?"
+
+"Only about those two young men, Sir," he replied.
+
+"Get out," I said; but before he could go I had burst into laughter.
+
+"Better not mention it," I managed to say.
+
+He promised.
+
+There--won't you find that useful?
+
+Yours, C. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VERY RARE BIRD.
+
+Brown lives next door but one to me. His speciality is birds, and he
+must be a frightful nuisance to them. I shouldn't care to be a bird if
+Brown knew where my nest was. It isn't that he takes their eggs. If he
+would merely rob them and go away it wouldn't matter so much. They could
+always begin again after a decent interval. But a naturalist of the
+modern school doesn't want a bird's eggs; he wants to watch her sitting
+on them. Now sitting is a business that demands concentration, a strong
+effort of the will and an undistracted mind. How on earth is a bird to
+concentrate when she knows perfectly well that Brown, disguised as a
+tree or a sheep or a haycock, is watching her day after day for hours at
+a stretch and snap-shotting her every five minutes or so for some
+confounded magazine? In nine cases out of ten she lets her thoughts
+wander and ends half unconsciously by posing, with the result that most
+of her eggs don't hatch out.
+
+Brown has a highly-trained sense of hearing. You and I, of course,
+possess pretty good ears for ordinary purposes. We can catch as soon as
+anyone else that muffled midnight hum, as of a distant threshing-machine
+beneath a blanket, which advertises the approach of the roaming Zepp.
+From constant practice, too, we have learnt, sitting in our drawing room
+or study, to distinguish the crash of the overturned nursery table
+upstairs from the duller, less resonant thud of baby's head as it
+strikes the floor. But can we positively state from the note of the
+blackbird at the bottom of the garden whether it has three, four or five
+eggs in its nest, or indeed if it is a house-holder at all? No, we
+cannot; but Brown can.
+
+Even specialists, however, occasionally make mistakes. A day or two ago,
+just as dusk was falling, Brown entered my house in a state of
+considerable excitement and informed me that a pair of reed-warblers
+were building in my orchard.
+
+"Are you sure?" I asked.
+
+"Quite," he replied. "I have not actually seen the birds yet, but I have
+heard them from my own garden, and of course the note of the nesting
+reed-warbler is unmistakable."
+
+"Of course," I agreed.
+
+"It is a most extraordinary occurrence," he continued, "most
+extraordinary."
+
+"You mean because there are no reeds there?"
+
+"Exactly."
+
+I was quite certain in my own mind that there were no reed-warblers
+either, but I felt it would be impertinent for a layman like myself to
+argue with Brown.
+
+"There!" he exclaimed, darting to the open window. "Can't you hear it?"
+
+I listened. "Oh, that," I said; "that's----"
+
+"The mating song of the male reed-warbler," interrupted Brown
+ecstatically. "Now, whatever happens, don't let them be disturbed. Don't
+even try to find the nest, or you may alarm them. Leave it all to me. I
+shan't have a free morning till Saturday, but there's no hurry. I'll
+bring my camera round then, and when I've located the spot they're
+building in I'll rig up a hiding-place and take some photos. Don't let
+anybody go near them; the great thing is to make them feel quite at
+home." He was gone before I could explain.
+
+It is rather an awkward situation, because, when Brown comes on Saturday
+morning, I am afraid that if he secures any really successful photos
+they will prove a disappointment to him. They will represent my
+gardener, Williams, trundling a barrow, the wheel of which is badly in
+need of oil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Tercentenarians.
+
+    "It is one of the most marvellous of doubles that William
+    Shakespeare and Miguel de Cervantes died on the very same day of
+    the same year--on the 23rd day of April, 1916."
+
+    _The Leader (B.E. Africa)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL ACADEMY-FIRST DEPRESSIONS.
+
+[Illustration: Gerald Kelly. _The Bird_. "Lucky thing I'm stuffed or I'd
+have fallen off this perch long ago!"]
+
+[Illustration: Nurah Cundell. Women Workers on the land playing with
+their week's wages. Note the Physical Development Produced by the
+open-air life.]
+
+[Illustration: Robert Burns. The lady spy, having finished her
+performance of the hymn of hate, sets the signal lights and awaits
+confidently the arrival of the German fleet.]
+
+[Illustration: Sir E. J. Poynter, Bt., P.R.A. The shell-worker's mid-day
+rest.]
+
+[Illustration: W. Orpen, A.R.A. and A. S. Cope, R.A. _Lord Spencer._
+"Not bad, but I fancy I take _The Tailor and Cutter's_ prize."]
+
+[Illustration: This is not in the Academy, but represents the Spirit of
+Allegory luring ambitious artists to their doom.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHEN THE BOYS COME HOME."
+
+[Illustration: Many women who are taking over men's work may not feel
+inclined to return to their former occupations after the War. Their work
+in that case will have to be done by men.
+
+Ex-soldiers Waiting in the Consulting-boom of Their Panel Doctor To Be
+Treated for "housemaid's Knee."]
+
+[Illustration: Male nurse receiving the glad eye from a military
+man-killer.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SOLDIER'S SPRING.
+
+      On stormy days I get quite warlike;
+        I find it easy to be fierce
+      In winter, when the land is more like
+        The Arctic Pole, with winds that pierce;
+  With James for foe and all the meadows mired
+    I feel in concord with the wildest plan,
+  And grudge no effort that may be required
+          To enfilade the man.
+
+      But now how hard, when Spring is active,
+        To utter anything but purrs;
+      With all the hillside so attractive
+        How can one concentrate on "spurs"?
+  And oh, I sympathise with that young scout
+    Whom anxious folk sent forth to spy the foe,
+  But he came back and cried, "_The lilac's out_!
+          And that is all I know."
+
+      They ask me things about my picket,
+        And whether I'm in touch with whom;
+      I want to lie in yonder thicket,
+        I only wish to touch the bloom;
+  And when men agitate about their flanks
+    And say their left is sadly in the air,
+  I hear the missel-thrush and murmur, "Thanks,
+          I wish that I was there."
+
+      When we extend and crawl in grim rows,
+        I want to go and wander free;
+      I deviate to pluck a primrose,
+        I stay behind to watch a bee;
+  Nor have the heart to keep the men in line,
+    When some have lingered where the squirrels leap,
+  And some are busy by the eglantine,
+          And some are sound asleep.
+
+      And always I am filled with presage
+        That, some fair noon of balmy airs,
+      I shall indite a rude Field Message
+        If Colonels pry in my affairs;
+  Shall tell them simply, "It is early May,
+    And here the daffodils are almost old;
+  About that sentry-group I cannot say----
+          In fact it leaves me cold."
+
+      But, strange, I do not think the enemy
+        In Spring-tide on the Chersonnese
+      Was any whit less vile or venomy
+        When all the heavens whispered Peace;
+  Though wild birds babbled in the cypress dim,
+    And through thick fern the drowsy lizards stole,
+  It never had the least effect on him--
+          He can't have had a soul.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Lloyd George is taking over all the distilleries with
+    patent stills for munition work. Bonded whisky is sufficient for
+    two years' conviction."--_Times of Ceylon._
+
+Provided that you take enough of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was a delight to hear the voices of the children ring through
+    the class-rooms in songs like 'Orpheus with his Lute' and 'Where
+    is Sylvia?'"--_Daily News._
+
+We note an error in the latter title. It should, of course, have been,
+"Has anybody here seen Sylvia?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW DAMOCLES.
+
+[Illustration: John Bull. "I WON'T HAVE THIS THING HANGING OVER MY HEAD
+ANY LONGER. I'LL HAVE IT IN MY HAND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, May 2nd._--The House of Commons was unusually well attended
+this afternoon. Members filled the benches and overflowed into the
+galleries, and many Peers looked down upon the scene, among them Lord
+GRENFELL, formerly Commander-in-Chief in Ireland, and Lord MACDONNELL,
+once Under-Secretary to the Lord-Lieutenant. All were curious to learn
+what the PRIME MINISTER would have to say about the painful events of
+the past week. Would he announce that the Government, conscious of
+failure, had decided to resign _en bloc_? Or would it be merely pruned
+and strengthened by the lopping of a few of the obviously weaker
+branches?
+
+Nothing of the sort. Mr. ASQUITH made the barest allusion to the
+surrender of Kut--an incident which was "not one of serious military
+significance." As for the insurrection in Dublin, there would be a
+debate upon it as soon as the Government had completed its enquiries.
+The main purpose of his speech was to announce that the Government had
+decided to introduce a Bill for general compulsion, and to get rid of
+the piece-meal treatment of recruiting to which the House had objected.
+Members were, I think, hardly prepared for the vigour with which the
+PRIME MINISTER turned upon his critics, reminding them that just the
+same denunciation of "vacillating statesmen" was current in the days of
+PITT. No doubt there had been blunders both in policy and strategy, but
+nevertheless the contribution of this Kingdom and this Empire to the
+common cause was growing steadily, and the military situation of the
+Allies was never so good as it was to-day. If the Government no longer
+had the confidence of the people, he thundered out, "let the House say
+so."
+
+While the immediate answer to this challenge was a volley of cheers,
+most of the speakers in the subsequent debate disguised their confidence
+in the Government so successfully that it almost appeared to be
+non-existent. From Sir EDWARD CARSON, who acidly remarked that it was
+unnecessary for him to praise the Government, as "they always do that
+for themselves," down to Sir JOHN SIMON, who declared that compulsion
+was being introduced from considerations of political expediency rather
+than military necessity, no one seemed to be convinced that the
+Government even now quite knew its own mind.
+
+The House of Lords, after listening to a moving tribute to the memory of
+Lord ST. ALDWYN from his old colleague, Lord LANSDOWNE, settled down to
+a debate on the new Order in Council prohibiting references to Cabinet
+secrets. It met with equal condemnation from Lord PARMOOR as a
+constitutional lawyer and from Lord BURNHAM as a practical journalist.
+The Ministers who "blabbed" were the real criminals. Lord BURNHAM
+recommended to them the example of the gentleman in the French
+Revolution, who always wore a gag in order to retain his self-control.
+
+Lord BUCKMASTER, that "most susceptible Chancellor," made a very
+ingenuous defence of his colleagues. They were the unconscious victims
+of adroit interviewers, who obtained information from them by a process
+of extraction so painless that they did not know the value of what they
+were giving away.
+
+It is time that these innocents were protected against themselves. A gag
+must in future be issued to every Minister with his Windsor uniform. The
+discarded G.R. armlets of the V.T.C. might very well serve the purpose.
+
+_Wednesday, May 3rd_.--When, some nine years ago, Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL
+was appointed Chief Secretary to the Lord-Lieutenant a friend who had
+some knowledge of Irish affairs wrote to him: "I do not know whether to
+congratulate you or condole with you, but I think it is the latter."
+
+It was an easy guess, but its confirmation took an unusually long time.
+Indeed, at one moment it looked as if Mr. BIRRELL would escape the
+almost invariable fate of Irish Secretaries, and leave Dublin with his
+political reputation enhanced. When he had placed the National
+University Act on the Statute-book, thus solving a problem that had
+baffled his predecessors since the Union, he might have sung his _Nunc
+Dimittis_ in a halo.
+
+Perhaps he was not sufficiently ambitious to demand release; perhaps
+none of his colleagues was anxious to take his job; perhaps the
+Nationalist leader insisted on keeping him in the silken fetters of
+office as a hostage for Home Rule. Anyhow, the opportunity was missed;
+and thenceforward Nemesis dogged his track.
+
+Two years ago it seemed that Ulster would be his stumbling-block. The
+War saved him from that, but only to bring him down through more
+sinister instruments. In his pathetic apology this afternoon he
+confessed that he had failed to estimate accurately the strength of the
+Sinn Fein movement. He might have been wrong in not suppressing it
+before, but his omission to do so was due to a consuming desire to keep
+Ireland's front united in face of the common foe.
+
+This frank admission of error would in any case have disarmed hostile
+criticism; but its effect was strengthened by the unseemly interjections
+with which Mr. GINNELL accompanied it. If the Member for Westmeath is a
+sample of the sort of persons with whom the CHIEF SECRETARY had to deal,
+no wonder that he failed to understand the lengths to which they would
+go.
+
+Mr. REDMOND, obviously disgusted by the pranks of his nominal supporter,
+chivalrously shouldered part of the blame that Mr. BIRRELL had taken
+upon himself; and even Sir EDWARD CARSON, though a life-long and bitter
+opponent of his policy, was ready to admit that he had been
+well-intentioned and had done his best.
+
+Later on, when the PRIME MINISTER had introduced the new Military
+Service Bill, establishing compulsion for all men married or single,
+Colonel CRAIG made a vain appeal to Mr. REDMOND to get the measure
+extended to Ireland. Nothing would do more to show the world that the
+recent rebellion was only the work of an insignificant section of the
+Irish people.
+
+[Illustration: HIS MASTER'S VOICE.
+
+(With acknowledgments to the well-known poster.)
+
+Mr. Lloyd George to Mr. Holt, who moved the rejection of the Bill.]
+
+_Thursday, May 4th_.--Although Mr. GINNELL was one of the Members to
+whom the Government were ready a week ago to impart secrets of State
+with which the Press was not deemed fit to be trusted, I gather that he
+has other sources of information which he considers much more
+trustworthy. Among various tit-bits with which he regaled the House this
+afternoon was a suggested reason why British aircraft have not yet
+bombarded Essen. He has his suspicions that it is because members of the
+British Cabinet have shares in some of FRAU KRUPP'S subsidiary
+companies.
+
+Most people know that all leave from the Front was stopped just before
+Easter, and have hitherto assumed that the stoppage was due to the
+exigencies of the military situation. To Mr. PETO, an earnest seeker
+after truth, as befits his name, Mr. TENNANT admitted that there was
+another reason. Last year, it seems, some returning warriors got so much
+mixed up in the congested Easter traffic that they never reached home at
+all, so this year the authorities resolved to keep them out of the
+danger-zone.
+
+The Government welcomes any suggestion that may help to win the War. Mr.
+EUGENE WASON'S latest idea is that if the War Office and the Admiralty
+were to put their heads together they might make it easier for outdoor
+artists in Cornwall to obtain permits to pursue their studies, at
+present restricted, in military areas; and Mr. TENNANT assured him that
+this important matter was still "under consideration."
+
+The Second Reading of the Military Service Bill brought forth some
+rather trite arguments from Mr. HOLT and other opponents of compulsion,
+and a lively defence from Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, who thoroughly enjoyed the
+opportunity, after a long silence, of being able to speak his mind
+without fear of complications with his colleagues. With examples drawn
+from France and the American Civil War he argued that compulsory service
+was an essential incident of true democracy. But an even more effective
+backing for the Bill came from Mr. ARTHUR HENDERSON. Hitherto, according
+to his own description, "the heaviest drag-weight of the Cabinet," he
+now lent it increased momentum, and carried with him into the Lobby all
+but nine of his colleagues of the Labour Party. Altogether, Sir JOHN
+SIMON and his friends mustered just three dozen, and the Second Reading
+was carried against them by a majority of 292.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dear Old Silly._ "And where do you two come from?"
+
+_Wounded Australian._ "We're Anzacs, Madam."
+
+_Dear Old Silly._ "Really? How delightful! And do you both belong to
+this same tribe?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "Pigs.--Live Stock Mem of Mark. No. 10.--Alderman ----."
+
+    _Live Stock Journal._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "God be with Lord Hardinge wherever he may be, whatever may be
+    his sphere of service, for we fear we shall not look upon his
+    like again."
+
+    "It is in this atmosphere of hope and confidence that Lord
+    Chelmsford takes up the mantle of the Viceroyalty."--_Times of
+    India._
+
+Not for the first time the attempt to welcome the coming and speed the
+parting guest in the same breath has failed to turn out quite happily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Evidence was given that the pig, which was introduced in a
+    revue at the Metropolitan Music Hall, was kept at the back of
+    the stage in a crate in which it could not turn or stretch
+    itself ... Mr. Paul Taylor said he was glad the case had been
+    ventilated."
+
+    _The Times._
+
+So, no doubt, was the pig.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Instructor._ "Gunnery, gentlemen, is an exact mechanical
+science. Everything is done by rule----"
+
+_Ex-Actor._ "Then where does my personality come in, Sir?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHION-PLATE PATRIOTS.
+
+  Since our ranks, Mr. _Punch_, you've seen fit to upbraid
+    (These lines are to show that you're hard on us),
+  When you hear the defence of the fashion-plate maid
+    I'm perfectly certain you'll pardon us;
+  Though our heels and our hose and our frills and our frocks,
+    Regardless of taste and expense,
+  Your notion of war-time economy shocks;
+    We're doing our bit, in a sense.
+
+  Now take, for example, Irene and me;
+    She's thin and I'm rather--voluminous;
+  Our skirts, full and frilly, just cover the knee,
+    And our hose-play discourages gloominess;
+  We've a bent for a boot with a soul-stirring spat,
+    Gilt-buttoned and stubbily toed,
+  And a top-gallant plume on a tip-tilted hat
+    When we're ripe for the Park and the road.
+
+  The public each week, Mr. _Punch_, you impress
+    With your cool-headed wit and ability,
+  So I wonder you've not had the gumption to guess
+    There's method in our imbecility;
+  Read on, and your premature chiding deplore,
+    For our merciful mission, in brief,
+  Is to brighten the tragical drama of war
+    By providing the comic relief.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  If I were like a man I know and _Billing_ were my name,
+  I wouldn't waste my precious time in striving after fame;
+  I'd let it come to me unsought, unstruggled for, and then
+  I'd just go on existing as a perfect specimen.
+
+  No care would line my marble brow; I'd take no thought of pelf;
+  I'd lie the long day through at ease a-thinking of myself;
+  For when a man's mere presence lends to any scene delight
+  He needn't worry what he does--whate'er he does is right.
+
+  If I could bloom as blooms the rose, and BILLING were a bee,
+  With all my pink and petalled force I'd coax him unto me;
+  I'd open out my honeyed store, and he might linger on,
+  Or cut and cut and come again until the whole were gone.
+
+  Such heaps of charm our BILLING has, such tons of _savoir faire_,
+  It irks me much to see him spend his treasures on the air;
+  And, still to hint a further fault, he cultivates the pose
+  Of knowing all of everything, and lets you know he knows.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    Reproductions of Mr. Punch's picture "Haven" are to be sold for
+    the benefit of the Star and Garter Building Fund, and may be
+    obtained from the Secretary of the Fund, at 21, Old Bond Street,
+    W. They are to be had in two sizes, at _2s. 6d._ and _1s._, or,
+    with Postage and Packing, _2s. 10d._ and _1s. 2d._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LUCKIEST MAN.
+
+We were talking, the other night, about lucky people. Barmer declared
+that he knew the man (of whom we had all of us heard) who was left a
+large fortune by an eccentric old gentleman whose hat he had picked up
+on a windy day at Brighton. A better and more original contribution to
+the discussion was that of Bastable, a retired Anglo-Indian. I give it
+as nearly as I can in his own words. "The luckiest man I ever met," he
+said, "is my groom-gardener, Andrews. I don't mean to say in respect of
+prosperity or health, for he is a delicate man, and I can only afford to
+give him a modest wage. But he has a charmed life, as you will admit
+when you hear of his three escapes.
+
+"Number 1 was when he was employed in repairing the roof of one of the
+big London stations. He was slung up in a cradle when he lost his
+balance and fell to the ground--a distance of about 80 feet. The odds
+were about a million to one that he would be killed, but he managed to
+light on precisely the one spot in the whole station area which secured
+him a soft fall--a barrel of butter which was standing on the platform,
+and from which, for some reason or other, the lid had been removed. The
+butter was ruined, but Andrews escaped with a bad shaking. I believe the
+butter-merchant brought an action against the Company, but I forget what
+happened.
+
+"Number 2 grew out of Andrews's weakness for parrots. He had bought a
+parrot from a sailor, who told him that the best way to teach it to
+speak was to hang the cage in a well and repeat the words or phrases to
+it at 3 A.M. in the morning, so as to secure the greatest freedom from
+disturbance. Andrews was then employed in a brewery at Watford, and
+lived in a cottage with a strip of garden at the back. There was also a
+well, so that he could carry out the sailor's instructions on the spot.
+The cage, which was a large one and nearly filled the well, was made
+fast to the bucket apparatus, and the first two lessons passed off
+without any incident. But on the third night, when Andrews was hard at
+work, he was hailed by a policeman, who came along the lane at the side
+of the garden--it was an end house--and asked him what he was doing.
+When Andrews said that he was teaching his parrot to talk, the
+policeman, naturally suspecting that he was there for some felonious
+purpose, climbed over the wall and made a grab at him. It was a dark
+night, and, in trying to dodge the policeman, Andrews stepped into the
+well, which, according to his account, was ninety feet deep. But, as
+good luck would have it, he got jammed between the cage and the side of
+the well, and remained hung up until the policeman hauled him out with
+the aid of the bucket rope. He was badly bruised, but got all right in a
+few days.
+
+"Andrews's third and last escape was in the War. He was a reservist,
+went out early, saw a lot of fighting and came through without a scratch
+till last November, when his trench was rushed and he was taken
+prisoner. The front trenches at that point were only about forty yards
+apart, and before he was removed to the rear a British shell lit close
+to him and blew him back into his own lines. He was badly hurt and,
+after some months in hospital, was invalided out of the Army, but
+manages to do the light work I want all right."
+
+We all subscribed to Bastable's view of Andrews's luck--all at least
+except Barmer, who was a little nettled at having his story eclipsed. "I
+can believe the yarn about the shell," he said, "but the butter story is
+a bit thick, and all tales about parrots are suspect."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bus Conductor._ "Blimy! We _do_ want an Air Minister,
+and no mistake, with things like you floatin' abaht in the sky."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Toujours la Politesse.
+
+    "The officer and a man ran in and respectfully shot with a
+    revolver and bayoneted two other men each."--_Englishman
+    (Calcutta)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Washington, Monday.
+
+    A representative from Mr. Gerard on his visit to the Kaiser at
+    Headquarters has been received at the State Department, and is
+    now being decoded."--_Manchester Daily Dispatch._
+
+We cannot believe that any American diplomatist could be a mere cipher.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDICALLY UNFIT.
+
+    For weight of years some men must stay
+      And some must pause for lack,
+    And some there are would be away
+      But duty holds them back,
+  Driving the jobs at home that must be done
+        To smash the Hun.
+
+    And others, whether old or young,
+      Refuse to wait behind;
+    And some with scarcely half a lung
+      Have found the doctors kind;
+  Yet never once did any listen to my tick
+        But barred me quick.
+
+    And some whose place should be the van
+      Are doing nothing much;
+    By all the blood that beats in Man
+      I would that any such
+  Could loan me, while he plays the skulker's part,
+        His coward heart.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A JUST MAN.
+
+There were four on each side. At the last moment a short round man came
+running up and got in. Hurry had not improved his mood, and one glance
+of his eye was enough to make me move along two inches to give him room.
+He stood arranging his luggage on the rack, pulled his coat straight,
+and sat down--on the other side. The suddenness of his assault was
+terrific. I quickly recovered my two inches, and the journey to the next
+station was quite pleasant, so far as I was concerned.
+
+He and I were then left alone.
+
+"I am much obliged to you for moving to make room for me, Sir," he said
+politely. "But when I get into a compartment with four a side I make it
+a practice to sit down on the side on which nobody has moved--on
+principle, Sir, on principle."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Very Still Life.
+
+From a notice of Mr. BRANGWYN'S Academy picture, "The Poulterer's
+Shop":--
+
+    "Everything lies in its place as if it had been there for
+    centuries."--_Morning Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Sinecure.
+
+    "GENERAL; £20; fam 2; every Sunday and wk-day off."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The rebels barricaded St. Stephen's Green with motor-cars and
+    tramcars, as in the French Revolution."--_Northampton
+    Chronicle._
+
+The 1789 models of motor-cars and tramcars are of course out of date by
+now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"Pen."
+
+During one of the intervals which served so well to eke out the brief
+two hours of Mr. VACHELL's new "comedy," and were quite as good as many
+things in the play, I allowed my mind--an absolute blank--to dwell upon
+certain arresting features in the stage curtain of the St. James's
+Theatre. In the centre, imposed upon a design whose significance I do
+not pretend to penetrate, is a gigantic wreath encircling a monogram of
+the magic initials, G. A., which are surmounted by something which I
+took to be an heraldic top-hat. This headpiece is in turn surmounted by
+an heraldic eagle--the ordinary arrangement by which the helmet appears
+above the coat-of-arms being thus reversed. The central design is
+flanked on each side by two other wreaths, massive but subordinate.
+Within the sinister wreath is enshrined in Greek capitals the letters
+ALEX, and within the dexter wreath the letters ANDROS. "Reading from
+left to right" we have here the historic name of the Macedonian monarch.
+
+I cannot account for the Greek form of the name on the ground that the
+St. James's Theatre is the home of the Classical Drama, for the themes
+of its plays seldom go back beyond the later decades of the 19th century
+A.D., and I can only conclude that it is meant to indicate that the
+conquests of Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER'S company resemble those of the famous
+phalanx of his namesake, the Great.
+
+Most theatres have an atmosphere of their own, and it would be hard to
+recall any play at the St. James's that has been less in keeping with
+the local climate than this comedy, so described, of Mr. VACHELL'S. On
+the score of impropriety and improbability it might in the old days have
+appealed to the Criterion management; but its lack of broad humour must
+have negatived these advantages. In any case Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER'S
+house was no place for a farce so out of harmony with Macedonian
+methods.
+
+Almost its solitary interest lay in the doubt, maintained to the last
+moment, as to which of its many fatuous males would turn out to be the
+hero--meaning by hero the chosen husband of the heroine, for none of
+them had any personal claim to the title. Indeed, the choice ultimately
+fell upon the one that had the least distinctive personality of all, his
+disguise being kept up by a kind of protective colourlessness.
+
+But for Miss ELLIS JEFFREYS, who played the aunt of the preposterous
+_Lady Pen_ with a courage worthy of a better cause, and extracted from
+the play such humour as it held for her, matters would have gone badly
+for those of us who have been accustomed to look to Mr. VACHELL for
+entertainment. Mr. ALLAN AYNESWORTH, as the heroine's guardian, had no
+difficulty in transmitting pleasantly enough his mild share of the fun.
+Miss MARIE HEMINGWAY needed all her prettiness to make up for the
+futility of her part. And I was really sorry that so sound an actor as
+Mr. DAWSON MILWARD should have had such ineffective stuff put into his
+mouth.
+
+Far the funniest thing about the play was the fact that so clever and
+experienced a writer should have made it. Perhaps the compliments I have
+paid to my friend Mr. VACHELL in these columns have given me the right
+to beg him not to take advantage of his many recent successes and palm
+off on the public just any kind of banality, For these are days when
+pens (with or without a big P) must be pretty good if they are to
+compete with the sword.
+
+With this appeal (and with a silent prayer that the play may not come by
+a natural death in time for my homily to serve as a funeral
+appreciation) I hasten to conclude, hoping that it will find, him in the
+pink (as they say) of a blushful remorse; and, anyhow, I remain,
+
+His sincerely, O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+XI.--Saint John's Wood.
+
+  Saint John walked in a Wood
+    Where elm-trees spread their branches
+  And Squirrels climbed and Pigeons cooed.
+    And Hares sat on their haunches.
+  He built him willow huts
+    Wherever he might settle;
+  His meat was chiefly hazel-nuts,
+    His drink the honey-nettle.
+  His Wood that grew so green
+    Is now as grey as stone;
+  His Wood may any day be seen,
+    But where's the good Saint John?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On all faces was the defiant scowl of hatred as we looked at
+    them."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+What had our genial contemporary done to deserve this?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Turkish newspapers received in Copenhagen contain long lists of
+    names of prominent Arabs who have been hanged for treason or for
+    absenting themselves from military service. Overleaf is another
+    list of well-known Arabs living in Great Britain and the British
+    Colonies, who are cordially invited to return without
+    delay."--_Morning Paper._
+
+Dilly ducks, dilly ducks, come and be killed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JUSTIFICATION.
+
+[Illustration: _Wife._ "Two bottles of ginger-beer, dear?"
+
+_He._ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our
+wedding-day?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
+
+It is pleasant to find that even in these days the revival of interest
+in volumes of short stories still continues. But of course the stories
+must have a certain quality. I am glad to think that _Traveller's
+Samples_ (MILLS AND BOON) will help forward the movement. Mrs. HENRY
+DUDENEY has a quite excellent touch for this sort of thing; her tales
+are both atmospheric and, for their length, astonishingly full of
+character. Also she has an engaging habit of avoiding the expected. Take
+one of the best in this present book, called "_John_," for instance. It
+is the slightest possible thing, just a picture of a schoolboy's
+hopeless love for a shallow cruel-brained girl eight years older than
+himself, who is in process of getting engaged to an eligible bachelor.
+But every figure in the little group lives. And the second part, which
+tells the return of the boy-lover twelve years later, shows you what I
+mean about Mrs. DUDENEY'S refreshing originality. I doubt if there are
+many writers who would have finished off the story in her very
+satisfactory way. There is one quality characteristic of most of the
+tales--a feeling for middle-age in men and women; many of them seem to
+be variations upon the same theme of a love that comes by waiting. Mrs.
+DUDENEY can handle this situation with unfailing charm. Her confessed
+comedies are by far the weakest things in the book; there is one of them
+indeed that seemed to me amazingly pointless. But with this exception I
+can commend her volume whole-heartedly, and only hope that the author
+will continue to send out goods of such excellent workmanship, "as per"
+(whatever that means) these attractive samples.
+
+Those who search for minor compensations have affected to find one in
+the idea that the actual happening of the World War has removed from us
+the old fictional scares, novels of German super-spies, and unsuspecting
+islanders taken unprepared. But to think this is to reckon without the
+ingenuity of such writers as Mr. RIDGWELL CULLUM. He, for example, has
+but to postulate that worst nightmare of all, an inconclusive peace, and
+we are back in the former terrors, blacker than ever. Suppose the Polish
+inventor of German undersea craft to have been so stricken with remorse
+at the frightful results thereof that he determines to hand all his
+secrets to the English Government, in the person of a young gentleman
+who combines the positions of Cabinet Minister, son and heir to a great
+shipbuilder, and hero of the story; suppose, moreover, that the said
+inventor was blessed with an only daughter, of radiant beauty and the
+rather conspicuous name of _Vita Vladimir_; suppose the inevitable
+romance, a secret submarine expedition to the island where Germany is
+maturing her felonious little plans, the destruction of the latest
+frightfulness, retaliation by Prussian myrmidons, abductions, murders,
+and I don't know what besides--and you will have some faint idea of the
+tumultuous episodes of _The Men Who Wrought_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL). To say
+that the story moves is vastly to understate its headlong rapidity of
+action. And, while I hardly fancy that the characters themselves will
+carry overwhelming conviction, there remains, in the theory of the
+submersible liner and application to political facts, enough genuine
+wisdom to lift the tale out of the company of six-shilling shockers. To
+this extent at least _The Men Who Wrought_ combines instruction with
+entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Inter-Arma_ (HEINEMANN) is the title that Mr. EDMUND GOSSE has given to
+his latest volume of essays, reprinted from _The Edinburgh Review_. No
+one who loves clarity of style will need assurance about the quality of
+these studies, which, with one exception, are concerned with some or
+other aspect of the world-struggle. In "War and Literature," a paper
+dated during the black days of October, 1914, the author attempts to
+realise what will be the probable literary effect of the catastrophe by
+recounting the various ways in which French writers suffered from that
+of 1870. An interesting prediction, too, as recalling what many of us
+believed at the beginning of the war, is this about the future of
+English letters: "What we must really face is the fact that this harvest
+of volumes [the autumn publishings of 1914] will mark the end of what is
+called 'current literature' for the remaining duration of the war. There
+can be no aftermath, we can aspire to no revival. The book which does
+not deal directly and crudely with the complexities of warfare and the
+various branches of strategy will, from Christmas onwards, not be
+published at all." As they stand, these words might well serve as a mild
+tonic for "current pessimism"; not even the paper famine has brought
+them to fulfilment. Elsewhere in the volume is an instructive paper on
+"The Neutrality of Sweden" (valuable but vexatious, as are all the
+indictments of our insular apathy in the matter of influencing foreign
+opinion), and two or three interesting studies of French life and
+letters under the conditions of war. In fine, a book full of scholarly
+grace, such as may well achieve the writer's hope, expressed in his
+preface, of renewing the friendship he has already made with those
+readers "whose minds have become attuned to his," though they are now
+"separated from him by leagues of sea and occupied in noble and
+unprecedented service."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The author of _The Dop Doctor_, with her expansive style, always seems
+cramped in any story of under a couple of hundred thousand words or so.
+Perhaps the best things in her new book of short stories, _Earth to
+Earth_ (HEINEMANN), concern _The Macwaugh_, a shocking bad artist with
+an immense thirst and the heftiest of Scotch accents. I don't think that
+there ever was or could be anybody like _Macwaugh_, or indeed that
+people talk or act like the majority of the characters in this book; but
+that's where, perhaps, "RICHARD DEHAN" scores a point or two off those
+realists who mistake accuracy of detail for art. This amiable drunkard,
+though absurd, lives and moves. The author is evidently attached to him,
+and that helps. She has, indeed, something of the Dickensian exuberance
+which carries off absurdities and crudities that would otherwise be
+intolerably tiresome. She even seems to get some fun out of this kind of
+thing:--"'Write,' commanded the Zanouka with a double-barrelled flash of
+her great eyes;" or, again, "It's all poppycock and bumblepuppy,"
+meaning, just, it isn't true.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you are writing or intending to write a book about boys let me beg
+you not to follow the prevailing fashion and call your hero David.
+Within the last few weeks I have read DAVID PENSTEPHEN, DAVID BLAISE,
+and now it is Miss ELEANOR PORTER'S _Just David_ (CONSTABLE) and I am
+beginning to want a rest from the name. _David III._, if he may be
+called so, has saved me from utter confusion of mind by being an
+American product and having a charm that is peculiarly his own. Cynics
+indeed may find his perfection a little cloying, and may say with some
+justification that no human child ever radiated so much joy and
+happiness. All the same, this simple tale of childhood will appeal
+irresistibly to those who do not draw too fine a distinction between
+sentiment and sentimentality. On the whole Miss PORTER, although
+hovering near the border, does not pass into the swamps of sloppiness,
+and as an antidote to War fiction I can recommend _Just David_ without
+any further qualification.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RICHARD HARDING DAVIS will, alas, entertain us no more with his
+easy-flowing pen. These short stories, _Somewhere in France_
+(DUCKWORTH), must be his farewell to us. And it is good to feel that his
+sympathies are so whole-heartedly on the right side. The first of the
+stories (the only one that has anything to do with the War) is a
+spirited yarn of the turning of the tables on a German secret service
+agent, with plenty of atmosphere and hurrying action. The rest are light
+studies of American life, of which I chiefly commend an extravaganza set
+in Hayti with a resourceful Yankee electrician, as hero, in conflict
+with the President in the matter of overdue wages; and the final item of
+a tussle between a stern and upright District Attorney and the might of
+Tammany, in which the author seems to have a rather whimsical mistrust
+of both sides. I always like to think of Tammany when our croakers are
+holding up everything in this poor little island to obloquy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The God in the Car.
+
+    "Rumania asked permission for the passage through Bulgaria of
+    several wagons of grain bought from Greece. Bulgaria agreed on
+    condition that Rumania should release over 200 wagons of
+    Bulgarian gods detained in Rumania."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "An extract of squills, which has been used by the French
+    Government in the trenches for two or three months, is to be
+    used in a Berwickshire County Council experiment to exterminate
+    rates."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+We should like to hear of something equally deadly to taxes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Miss Ruby Miller is in gorgeous green, to match her gorgeous
+    red hair."--_Sunday Pictorial._
+
+It is perhaps just as well that some people, notably engine-drivers, do
+not see things in this way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Chauffeur (ex-coachman, to master, who has been
+influenced by economy posters)._ "A run or two now and again, Sir, would
+be good for the car. You see, if I might so express it, she's just
+eating her bonnet off."]
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, MAY 10, 1916***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22992-8.txt or 22992-8.zip *******
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, May 10, 1916, by Various</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, May
+10, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, May 10, 1916</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: October 14, 2007  [eBook #22992]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, MAY 10, 1916***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 150.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>May 10, 1916.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page305" id="page305"></a>[pg 305]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>Many graphic tales have been told of
+the immense loads of plunder carried
+off during the fighting in Dublin; but
+there has been looting on a large scale
+elsewhere, if one may believe the
+headline of a contemporary:&mdash;"Man
+arrested with Colt in his pocket at
+Bloomsbury."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Says a writer in The <i>Daily Chronicle</i>:
+"In one neighbourhood within the
+Zeppelin zone there are hundreds of
+partridges who defy the Defence of the
+Realm Act. Two or three hours before
+anyone else is aware that the baby-killers
+are approaching these bold birds
+go chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, as if there
+were an army of the more human sort
+of poachers about." Personally we
+have always felt that the
+section of the Defence of the
+Realm Act which forbids one
+to go chuckle, chuckle, chuckle,
+when the Zeppelins are approaching
+is superfluous as
+well as in inferior taste.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Dr. <span class="sc">Walford Davis</span>, in a
+lecture on "Songs for Home
+Singing," recently told his
+hearers how Major Tom
+Bridges saved a couple of
+battalions at the Front with
+two penny whistles. We feel
+bound to point out however
+that any attempt to save the
+nation with the same exiguous
+weapons would be too hazardous
+to be encouraged.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Owing to a lack of the
+necessary dyes there will soon be no
+more red tape available for the War
+Office and elsewhere. It is to be
+hoped, however, that the familiar and
+picturesque salutation with which staff
+officers are in the habit of taking
+leave of one another, "So long, Old
+Tape!" will not be allowed to become
+obsolete.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Attention has recently been drawn to
+the number of strapping boys who are
+idling their time away in cinema houses
+in the absence of their fathers at the
+Front.  Their strapping fathers, of
+course.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to the President of the
+Baptist Union, "you must hit a Londoner
+at least six times before he
+smarts." We do not presume to dispute
+this statement, but what we want
+to know is, how was the Londoner
+occupied while the President of the
+Baptist Union was conducting his
+extremely interesting experiment?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Owing to the scarcity of tonnage,
+Denmark shipowners have put into
+commission two 18th-century sailing
+vessels. Meanwhile in the neighbourhood
+of Mount Ararat there is, we
+learn, some talk of organising an
+expedition for the recovery of the
+Ark with a view to her utilisation in
+the cattle-carrying trade.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Recorder of Pontefract states
+that in a recent walk he followed for
+three miles three men who were smoking,
+and counted sixty-two matches
+struck by them. It is reported that the
+gentlemen concerned have since called
+upon the Recorder to explain that it
+was in a spirit of war economy that
+they had dispensed with the services
+of the torch-bearer who had hitherto
+attended their movements.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There will be no Bakers' Exhibition
+this year, it is announced. Many <i>chic</i>
+models however, both in <i>g&aacute;teaux</i> and
+the new open-work <i>confiserie</i>, will be
+privately exhibited.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A contributor to <i>The Observer</i> draws
+our attention to the phenomenally early
+return of the swifts. But after all
+there must be something particularly
+soothing about England these days to a
+neurotic fowl like a swift.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is rumoured that Mr. <span class="sc">Birrell</span> has
+lately thrown off one of his <i>obiter
+dicta</i>&mdash;to the effect that Mr. Asquith
+and his colleagues have expressed an
+ambition to go down in the pages of
+history as the "Ministry of All the
+Buried Talents."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It was a confirmed dyspeptic of our
+acquaintance who, on reading that in
+Paris they are serving a half-mourning
+salad consisting mainly of sliced potatoes,
+artichokes and pickled walnuts,
+expressed surprise at their failure to
+add a few radishes to the dish, so that
+they might be thoroughly miserable
+while they were about it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to a contemporary, Mr. H. B.
+<span class="sc">Irving's</span> <i>Cassius</i> "came very near
+to Shakespeare." A delightful change
+from the innumerable Cassii that are
+modelled, for instance, on Mr. W. W.
+<span class="sc">Jacobs</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Thomas Lipton's</span> yacht, the <i>Erin</i>,
+has been sunk in the Mediterranean,
+and no doubt the Germans think they
+have done something to go bragh about.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Italians are being invited by means
+of circulars dropped from balloons to
+desert to the Austrians, the sum of
+5s. 8d. being offered to each deserter.
+This is no doubt what is technically
+known as a <i>ballon d'essai</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The House of Commons is
+giving serious consideration to
+the Daylight Saving Scheme.
+But certain occupants of the
+Treasury Bench (we are careful
+not to "refer to" them as members
+of the Cabinet) are said
+to be withholding their support
+till they know what it is
+that the surplus daylight is to
+be let into.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>PAY PARADE.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/305.png"><img width="100%" src="images/305.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Officer.</i> "<span class="sc">Have you made an allotment</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Recruit.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, no, Sir! I give up me fowls and cabbages
+the day afore I joined the army</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"London, April 6.&mdash;A Zeppelin
+airship attacked the north-east coast
+of England on Wednesday afternoon,
+but was driven off by our
+anti-Haircraft defences."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Chronicle (Jamaica).</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This subtle allusion to the
+former occupation of the Zeppelin crew
+has, we believe, caused much anxiety
+among the ex-barbers in the German
+Service, who fear that the A.A.C. will
+go for them bald-headed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"April 23rd was ... the 300th anniversary
+of the birth of Shakespeare and of the death
+of Shakespeare."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And to think of all he accomplished
+in less than twenty-four hours!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>At a Red Cross sale:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The exors. of the late Robert Dawson's
+calf made &pound;6."&mdash;<i>Eastern Daily Press.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We wonder if this generous gift came
+out of the pockets of the next-of-kine.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"For whoever was responsible for that
+blunder, which in most countries would
+certainly have evoked a cry of betrayal, the
+mainsheet of Nelson's Victory would be all
+too inadequate as a penitential white sheet
+and far too illustrious as a shroud."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Leader (British East Africa).</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We agree, but it would make a splendid
+halter.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page306" id="page306"></a>[pg 306]</span>
+
+<h2>THE WAY OF THOMAS.</h2>
+
+<h3>Theory and Practice.</h3>
+
+<p>Scene.<i>&mdash;Sand on the &mdash;&mdash; Frontier
+of &mdash;-. A Cavalry outpost recently
+arrived is sitting in a hollow in a vile
+temper, morosely gouging hunks of
+tepid bully beef out of red tins.
+Several thousand mosquitos are assiduously
+eating the outpost. There
+is nothing to do except to kill the
+beasts and watch the antics of the
+scavenger beetle, who extracts a precarious
+livelihood from the sand by
+rolling all refuse into little balls and
+burying them. It is very hot.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>1st Trooper.</i> Shoot the devils, I
+would. I can't understand their letting
+'em go the way they do. The first one
+I meets I shoots. Killing our wounded
+the way they do.</p>
+
+<p><i>2nd Trooper.</i> Ay, and killing's not
+the worst they do, neither. You should
+ha' seen them, two poor fellows of ours
+wot was found. You wouldn't be taking
+no prisoners after that.</p>
+
+<p><i>1st Trooper.</i> If I 'ad my way I
+wouldn't take no prisoners. 'Tain't
+safe, for one thing. That was 'ow pore
+old Bill got done in; went to take a
+white-headed old devil prisoner as
+might have been his grandfather, and
+he up and strafed him in the stomach
+with a shot-gun. Don't care 'oo it is.
+They say the women's as bad as the
+men.</p>
+
+<p><i>Corporal (darkly).</i> Ah, shooting's too
+good for 'em, I say, after wot they done.</p>
+
+<p><i>1st Trooper.</i> They do say they're
+starving now. Living on grass, 'alf of
+'em; specially after that lot of camels
+wot was captured.</p>
+
+<p><i>Corporal (darkly).</i> Ah, let 'em starve,
+I say. Starving's too good for 'em
+after wot they done.</p>
+
+<p><i>2nd Trooper.</i> That's just it. They
+won't let 'em starve. As soon as
+they've finished killing our wounded
+they comes into our camp with all
+their families, and we feeds 'em up
+with dates and biscuits and probably
+lets 'em go again.</p>
+
+<p><i>1st Trooper.</i> We're too soft-'earted,
+that's wot we are. Them Germans
+wouldn't carry on like that; they'd
+shoot 'em quick and no more said.</p>
+
+<p><i>2nd Trooper.</i> Ay, you're right there,
+and when we gets home the first thing
+we shall find is a relief fund to provide
+food for 'em.</p>
+
+<p><i>Corporal.</i> Well, they'd better not
+come near <i>this</i> post; they won't get
+no dates 'ere.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sentry.</i> Corporal, I can see 'alf-a-dozen
+of them blighters coming along
+about a mile away. Shall I give 'em
+one?</p>
+
+<p><i>Corporal.</i> No, you idiot. Let's 'ave
+a look at 'em first.</p>
+
+<p><i>[Enter a middle-aged Arab, dressed in
+the most indescribable rags and in
+the last stage of exhaustion. He is
+followed at long intervals by his
+family to two generations, who watch
+his reception anxiously from afar.]</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Arab (falling flat on his face at sight
+of the Corporal). Bimbashi, bimbashi,
+mongeries, mongeries.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Corporal.</i> Yes, I'll bash yer all right.
+Grey-'eaded old reprobate, you ought
+to know better.</p>
+
+<p><i>Arab (in an anguished voice). Mongeries,
+mongeries.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>1st Trooper.</i> Lord, he do look thin,
+por beggar. <i>Mongeries</i>&mdash;that means
+food, don't it? 'E looks as if 'e hadn't
+eaten nothing for weeks. 'Ere, 'ave a
+biscuit, old sport.</p>
+
+<p><i>[Arab makes a spasmodic wriggle towards
+him.]</i></p>
+
+<p><i>2nd Trooper.</i> Look out, Bill, 'e's
+going to bite your leg.</p>
+
+<p><i>1st Trooper (with dignity).</i> No, 'e
+ain't; 'e's a-going to kiss my boots.
+Gorblimy, 'e's a rum old devil!</p>
+
+<p><i>Corporal (suddenly remembering his
+duty).</i> 'Ere you, take your clothes off.
+Efta aygry. Strip.</p>
+
+<p><i>[The Arab undoes his rags, which slip
+to the ground.]</i></p>
+
+<p><i>2nd Trooper.</i> Blimy, Alf, look at 'em.
+I never see such a thing in my life.
+Look at that big one on his neck.</p>
+
+<p><i>1st Trooper (suddenly).</i> I say, old
+chap, don't you never 'ave a bath?</p>
+
+<p><i>2nd Trooper.</i> Lord, though, ain't he
+thin? 'E's a fair skeleton.</p>
+
+<p><i>[The Arab puts on his clothes again
+and falls exhausted with the effort.]</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Corporal.</i> Pore old feller, 'e's fair
+done; give 'im a biscuit, Alf.</p>
+
+<p><i>1st Trooper.</i> Try 'im with some bully;
+they say they won't eat that, though.</p>
+
+<p><i>2nd Trooper.</i> Won't 'e! I never seen
+the stuff go so quick. 'Ere, old feller,
+don't eat the tin.</p>
+
+<p><i>Corporal.</i> Don't give 'im any more
+or 'e'll kill 'isself. Let's see if his
+family can do the disappearing trick as
+quick as 'e can. Poor devils, they've
+been through something. 'Ere, you
+family, <i>mongeries</i>. <i>Tala henna.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>[The family are brought up and fed
+on the day's rations.]</i></p>
+
+<p><i>2nd Trooper.</i> Lord, Alf, look at this
+kid; 'is legs ain't as thick as my finger;
+cries just like they do at 'ome too.
+'Ere, 'ave a bit o' jam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Corporal.</i> Take 'em back to camp
+now and 'and 'em over. Come on, old
+boy; you're all right. Lord, ain't
+they pretty near done. Lucky they
+found us when they did.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The Better Half.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Thames Ditton.&mdash;Attested man called up
+willing to let half house, or take another
+lady in similar position."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"WE GIVE OUR SONS."</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Such our proud cry&mdash;a vain and empty boast;</p>
+<p class="i2">Love did not ask so great a sacrifice;</p>
+<p>The first <i>r&eacute;veill&eacute;</i> found you at your post;</p>
+<p class="i2">You knew the cost; clear-eyed you paid the price;</p>
+<p>Some far clear call we were too dull to hear</p>
+<p class="i6">Had caught your ear.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Not ours to urge you, or to know the voice;</p>
+<p class="i2">No stern decree you followed or obeyed;</p>
+<p>Nothing compelled your swift unerring choice,</p>
+<p class="i2">Except the stuff of which your dreams were made;</p>
+<p>To that high instinct passionately true,</p>
+<p class="i6">Your way you knew.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We did not give you&mdash;all unasked you went,</p>
+<p class="i2">Sons of a greater motherhood than ours;</p>
+<p>To our proud hearts your young brief lives were lent,</p>
+<p class="i2">Then swept beyond us by resistless powers.</p>
+<p>Only we hear, when we have lost our all,</p>
+<p class="i6"> That far clear call.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A Non-Stop Service.</h3>
+
+<p>The following announcement was recently
+made at a Liverpool church:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The service to-night will be at six o'clock,
+and will be continued until further notice."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Mr. Butcher expressed his thanks to Mr.
+Wood for his kind words, and said it was a
+great satisfaction to know that his efforts had
+been appreciated, and very gratifying to be
+thanked by one of the staff. He might reply
+in the words of Betsy Twigge, 'Changing the
+name, the same to you.'"</p>
+
+<p><i>Ashbourne Telegraph.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We note, but do not approve, the change.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Washington, Friday.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Cecil Spring Rice has been instructed
+to apologise for the action of the British
+Governor at Trinidad in failing to return
+the call of the Secretary to the Treasury,
+Mr. McAdoo, on the latter's visit on board
+the American cruiser <i>Tennessee</i>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Exchange Telegraph.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Much McAdoo about nothing.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The <i>Evening News</i> publishes an account
+of a conversation between "Prince
+Henry of Prussia (the Kaiser's brother)
+and Admiral Issimo, of Germany." The
+Issimos are a most distinguished fighting
+family (of Italian origin), and whenever
+they have adopted either a military
+or naval career have invariably come
+to the very top.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page307" id="page307"></a>[pg 307]</span>
+
+<h3>WAKE UP, ENGLAND!</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/307.png"><img width="100%" src="images/307.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">The Sun</span> (<i>to Householder</i>). "NOW, THEN, WHY
+WASTE YOUR DAYLIGHT? SAVE IT AND GIVE IT TO THE COUNTRY."</p>
+
+<p>[If only for the sake of economy in artificial light during War-time,
+the Daylight-saving scheme should have the support of all patriots.]</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page308" id="page308"></a>[pg 308]</span>
+
+<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+<h3>XXXIX.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">My dear Charles</span>,&mdash;There comes a
+time in the life of the military motor
+when, owing to one thing or another
+(but mostly another), it becomes a
+casualty and retires, on the ground of
+ill-health, to the Base. As such it is
+towed into the nearest workshops; but,
+before it departs to the Base there
+arrive, from all corners of the Army
+area, drivers of other similar motors,
+coming, as you might say, "for a purpose."
+These are the vultures who
+have got to hear of the affair, are sorry
+indeed that such mishaps should occur,
+but, stifling their sorrow, see their way
+to snaffle some little benefit for themselves.</p>
+
+<p>One vulture will come to exchange
+old lamps for new, another to
+do a deal in magnetos, and a
+third, may be, to better himself
+in the matter of wheels.
+There will be some squabbling,
+and, when the work is done,
+the last state of that casualty
+will be worse than the first,
+and it will proceed to the
+Base a melancholy collection
+of all the most dilapidated
+parts in the area, for which
+even the most optimistic
+authority at the back of beyond
+will see no useful future.</p>
+
+<p>Yesterday the following interview
+took place at my little
+office, which is also my little
+home and is very handsomely
+and elaborately furnished with
+a system of boxes, some to sit
+on, some to write on and some
+to go to sleep in.</p>
+
+<p>"An officer to see you, Sir," said
+the orderly, and in there came a
+representative from Signals who was
+pleased to meet me. I put aside my
+work in order to deal with him politely,
+firmly and once and for all.</p>
+
+<p>"If," I said haughtily, "you are the
+gentleman who rings me up on the
+telephone every morning at 7 <span class="sc">A.M.</span>, goes
+on ringing me up till I creep to the
+instrument and murmur 'Hello!' and
+then tells me that is all and will I
+please ring off, then I too am glad we
+have met at last."</p>
+
+<p>He denied the suggestion so hotly
+that I unbent a little. I asked him to
+be seated, and offered him a part of my
+bed for the purpose.</p>
+
+<p>"It's like this," he began.</p>
+
+<p>"Is it?" said I. "Then no doubt
+you want me to sign an Army Form
+and take all the responsibility?"</p>
+
+<p>"For what?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm sure I don't know," I answered;
+"and it doesn't much matter,
+for I shall only pass it on to someone
+else, please."</p>
+
+<p>For once it wasn't an Army Form.
+Was I not, he ventured to ask, the
+proprietor of a small car?</p>
+
+<p>"What was once a small car before
+it met what was once a large telegraph
+pole," I said thoughtlessly.</p>
+
+<p>He was glad to hear this, as he too
+was the owner of a small car. We
+shook hands on that, though we knew
+all the time that H.M. Government
+was the owner of both. H.M. Government
+not being present, however, to
+insist on its rights, we were able to
+do a quiet swank. In the course of it
+he mentioned, quite by the way, the
+matter of shock-absorbers. He had reason
+to believe that my car could spare
+his car a couple of these.</p>
+
+<p>I saw the need for hedging. "That
+telegraph pole I mentioned just now
+wasn't really very large," I explained,
+"and it came away quietly, offering no
+resistance."</p>
+
+<p>He smiled knowingly at that.</p>
+
+<p>"Were <i>you</i>," I continued, fixing a cold
+and relentless eye upon him&mdash;"were
+you equally lucky with your&mdash;your&mdash;?"</p>
+
+<p>"Small lorry," he said, with a faint
+blush. "A tiny lorry, in fact."</p>
+
+<p>"Not more than a dozen tons or so?"
+I suggested. "No doubt it passed
+quite gradually over you, frightening
+more than hurting you, and you were
+able to walk home with remainder
+of small motor in pocket of greatcoat?"</p>
+
+<p>He didn't go into that subject. "By
+the way," he said, "I happened to be
+round at the workshops just now&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Did you, indeed?" I took him up.
+"Then let me tell you at once that the
+wreckage in the workshop's yard was
+not my small car, so you may abandon
+any hopes you had built upon that."</p>
+
+<p>He appeared to be surprised at the
+attitude I adopted.</p>
+
+<p>"No," he said slowly&mdash;"no, I knew
+that wasn't <i>your</i> car."</p>
+
+<p>I thought rapidly. "It was <i>yours</i>,"
+I hazarded, "and your idea was to
+re-equip that battered wreck at the
+expense of my very slightly injured
+property?"</p>
+
+<p>He smiled shamelessly.</p>
+
+<p>"You are a most unscrupulous
+officer," I said, "and I'm beginning
+to think you <i>are</i> the voice which gets
+me out of bed&mdash;I mean, interrupts my
+work&mdash;every morning at dawn."</p>
+
+<p>"No, really," he replied, glad to have
+something to be honest about. "At
+that hour I am always in&mdash;at work
+myself."</p>
+
+<p>We shook hands again on that and I
+offered him a cigarette.</p>
+
+<p>"Have one of mine," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"No, no," I pressed; "you
+have one of mine."</p>
+
+<p>Again, if the truth had been
+admitted, H.M. Government
+was the rightful owner of
+both.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," he explained,
+"you saw my little 'bus from
+quite its worst aspect in that
+yard."</p>
+
+<p>I was for getting to business.
+"I want," said I, "a
+back axle-shaft, a head-light,
+a wind-screen and some mud-guards.
+What's yours?"</p>
+
+<p>"I could do with a spare
+wheel-holder, a horn, a couple
+of yards of foot-board," he
+said. "Two shock-absorbers
+and at least one wheel I must
+have."</p>
+
+<p>A little discussion proved
+that between us we could put up a
+very decent car. The only difficulty
+arose from a doubt as to what was to
+happen when we went out in it. It
+would still be a two-seater, and neither
+of our chauffeurs was small enough to
+be carried in the tool-box. Who was
+going to drive, who was going to sit by
+and, when occasion demanded, step out
+and do the dirty work? Neither of
+us seeing his way to give in on these
+points, we had to think of some other
+solution.</p>
+
+<p>"You mentioned the workshops just
+now," I said. "Were you going on to
+say that the officer in charge told you
+of another small car which was in
+trouble?"</p>
+
+<p>"He did," said Signals.</p>
+
+<p>"Same here," said I. "Did he then
+recommend you to get what you
+wanted off that other car?"</p>
+
+<p>"He did," said Signals.</p>
+
+<p>"Same here," said I. "And did
+you also ascertain that this officer in
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page309" id="page309"></a>[pg 309]</span>
+charge possesses a small car of his own
+rich in standard parts?"</p>
+
+<p>"I did," said Signals.</p>
+
+<p>"Same here," said I. "Let us go
+out and look for that&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Officer in charge," said Signals.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said I, "his car." I felt that
+we were justified, in the circumstances,
+in dividing it between us.</p>
+
+<p>But there is no limit to these officers
+in charge of workshops. We had the
+greatest difficulty in finding his car at
+all, and, when we did, it had the
+appearance of being deliberately concealed.
+Worse still; when we found
+the car we found also a sentry standing
+over it, with rifle and fixed bayonet.
+Though we took this to be a direct
+insult to ourselves, we were too proud
+to go and expostulate with the officer
+himself about it.</p>
+
+<p>Yours ever,  <span class="sc">Henry</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/308.png"><img width="100%" src="images/308.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Unfortunate position of once popular Berlin naval
+battle artist, whose occupation has vanished through
+his having rashly sunk the entire British Fleet at an
+early stage of the war.</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/309a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/309a.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">The conscientious special.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/309b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/309b.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">The ingenious bank manager.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/309c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/309c.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">And the cautious burglar.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/309d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/309d.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Who lacked staying power</span>.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A LETTER.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note">(From Captain Claude Seaforth to a
+novelist friend.)</blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="sc">My dear Man</span>,&mdash;You asked me to
+tell you if anything very remarkable
+came my way. I think I have a story
+for you at last. If I could only write
+I would make something of it myself,
+but not being of Kitchener's Army I
+can't.</p>
+
+<p>The other day, while I was clearing
+up papers and accounts and all over
+ink, as I always get, the Sergeant came
+to me, looking very rum. "Two young
+fellows want to see you," he said.</p>
+
+<p>Of course I said I was too busy and
+that he must deal with them.</p>
+
+<p>"I think you'd rather see them yourself,"
+he said, with another odd look.</p>
+
+<p>"What do they want?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"They want to enlist," he said; "but
+they don't want to see the doctor."</p>
+
+<p>We've had some of these before&mdash;consumptives
+of the bull-dog breed, you
+know. Full of pluck but no mortal use;
+"done in" on the first route march.</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you tell them that they
+must see the doctor and have done
+with it?" I asked the Sergeant.</p>
+
+<p>Again he smiled queerly. "I made
+sure you'd rather do it yourself," he
+said. "Shall I send them in?"</p>
+
+<p>So I wished them further and said
+"Yes;" and in they came.</p>
+
+<p>They were the prettiest boys you
+ever saw in your life&mdash;too pretty. One
+had red hair and the other black, and
+they were dressed like navvies. They
+held their caps in their hands.</p>
+
+<p>"What's this rubbish about not
+seeing a doctor?" I asked. You know
+my brutal way.</p>
+
+<p>"We thought perhaps it could be
+dispensed with," Red Hair said, drawing
+nearer to Black Hair.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course it can't," I told them.
+"What's the use to the Army of
+weaklings who can't stand the strain?
+They're just clogs in the machinery.
+Don't you see that?"</p>
+
+<p>"We're very strong," Red Hair said,
+"only&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Only what?"</p>
+
+<p>"Only&mdash;&mdash;"  Here they looked at
+each other, and Red Hair said, "Shall
+we?" and Black Hair said, "Yes;"
+and they both came closer to me.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you promise," said Red Hair,
+"that you will treat as confidential
+anything we say to you?"</p>
+
+<p>"So long as it is nothing dangerous
+to the State," I said, rather proud of
+myself for thinking of it.</p>
+
+<p>"We want to fight for our country,"
+Red Hair began.</p>
+
+<p>"No one wants to fight more," Black
+Hair put in.</p>
+
+<p>"And we're very strong," Red Hair
+continued.</p>
+
+<p>"I won a cup for lawn-tennis at
+Devonshire Park," Black Hair added.</p>
+
+<p>"But," said Red Hair.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes?" I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you believe in some women
+being as strong as men?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well then," said Red Hair, "that's
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page310" id="page310"></a>[pg 310]</span>
+like us. We are as strong as lots of
+men and much keener, and we want
+you to be kind to us and let us enlist."</p>
+
+<p>"We'll never do anything to give
+ourselves away," said Black Hair; but,
+bless her innocent heart, she was
+giving herself away all the time.
+Every moment was feminine.</p>
+
+<p>"My dear young ladies," I said at
+last, "I think you are splendid and an
+example to the world; but what you
+ask is impossible. Have you thought
+for a moment what it would be like
+to find yourselves in barracks with the
+ordinary British soldier? He is a
+brave man and, when you meet him
+alone, he is nearly always a nice man;
+but collectively he might not do as
+company for you."</p>
+
+<p>"But look at this," said Red Hair,
+showing me a newspaper-cutting about
+a group of Russian girls known as
+"The Twelve Friends," who have been
+through the campaign and were treated
+with the utmost respect by the soldiers.</p>
+
+<p>"And there's a woman buried at
+Brighton," said Black Hair, "who
+fought as a man for years and lived to
+be a hundred."</p>
+
+<p>"And think of <span class="sc">Joan of Arc</span>," said
+Red Hair.</p>
+
+<p>"And <span class="sc">Boadicea</span>," said Black Hair.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said, "leaving <span class="sc">Joan of
+Arc</span> and <span class="sc">Boadicea</span> aside, possibly those
+Russians and that Brighton woman
+looked like men, which it is certain
+you don't. But any way we must be
+serious. What would your people
+say?"</p>
+
+<p>"We left word," said Red Hair,
+"that we were going off to do something
+for our country. They won't
+worry. Oh, please be kind and help
+us!"</p>
+
+<p>Here all four of their beautiful eyes
+grow moist.</p>
+
+<p>I could have hugged both of them,
+but I kept an iron hand on myself.</p>
+
+<p>"You nice absurd creatures," I said,
+"do be reasonable. To begin with,
+passing the doctor is an absolute
+necessity. That shuts you out. But
+even if you got through how do
+you think you would be helping your
+country? All the men would be falling
+in love with you; and that's bad
+enough as it is after working hours;
+it would be the ruin of discipline. And
+you could not bear the fatigue. No,
+go back and learn to be nurses and let
+your lovely hair grow again."</p>
+
+<p>They were very obstinate and very
+unwilling to entertain the thought of
+drudgery such as nursing after all their
+dreams of excitement; but at last they
+came to reason, and I sent for a cab
+and packed them off in it (I simply
+could not bear the idea of other people
+seeing them in that masquerade), and
+told them that the sooner they changed
+the better.</p>
+
+<p>After they had gone the Sergeant
+came in about something.</p>
+
+<p>I said nothing, and he said nothing,
+each of us waiting for the other.</p>
+
+<p>He moved about absolutely silently,
+and I dared not meet his glance because
+I knew I should give myself away.
+The rascal has not been running his
+eye over young women all these years
+without being able to spot them in a
+moment, even in navvy's clothes.</p>
+
+<p>At last I could stand it no longer.
+"Damn it," I said, "what are you
+doing? Why don't you go? I didn't
+send for you." But still I didn't dare
+look up.</p>
+
+<p>"I thought perhaps you had something
+to say to me, Sir," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I haven't," I replied. "Why
+should I? What about?"</p>
+
+<p>"Only about those two young men,
+Sir," he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Get out," I said; but before he
+could go I had burst into laughter.</p>
+
+<p>"Better not mention it," I managed
+to say.</p>
+
+<p>He promised.</p>
+
+<p>There&mdash;won't you find that useful?</p>
+
+<p>Yours,   C. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A VERY RARE BIRD.</h2>
+
+<p>Brown lives next door but one to
+me. His speciality is birds, and he
+must be a frightful nuisance to them.
+I shouldn't care to be a bird if Brown
+knew where my nest was. It isn't
+that he takes their eggs. If he would
+merely rob them and go away it
+wouldn't matter so much. They could
+always begin again after a decent interval.
+But a naturalist of the modern
+school doesn't want a bird's eggs; he
+wants to watch her sitting on them.
+Now sitting is a business that demands
+concentration, a strong effort of the
+will and an undistracted mind. How
+on earth is a bird to concentrate when
+she knows perfectly well that Brown,
+disguised as a tree or a sheep or a
+haycock, is watching her day after
+day for hours at a stretch and snap-shotting
+her every five minutes or so
+for some confounded magazine? In
+nine cases out of ten she lets her
+thoughts wander and ends half unconsciously
+by posing, with the result
+that most of her eggs don't hatch out.</p>
+
+<p>Brown has a highly-trained sense of
+hearing. You and I, of course, possess
+pretty good ears for ordinary purposes.
+We can catch as soon as anyone else
+that muffled midnight hum, as of a
+distant threshing-machine beneath a
+blanket, which advertises the approach
+of the roaming Zepp. From constant
+practice, too, we have learnt, sitting in
+our drawing room or study, to distinguish
+the crash of the overturned
+nursery table upstairs from the duller,
+less resonant thud of baby's head as
+it strikes the floor.  But can we positively
+state from the note of the blackbird
+at the bottom of the garden
+whether it has three, four or five eggs
+in its nest, or indeed if it is a house-holder
+at all? No, we cannot; but
+Brown can.</p>
+
+<p>Even specialists, however, occasionally
+make mistakes. A day or two
+ago, just as dusk was falling, Brown
+entered my house in a state of considerable
+excitement and informed me
+that a pair of reed-warblers were building
+in my orchard.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you sure?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Quite," he replied. "I have not
+actually seen the birds yet, but I have
+heard them from my own garden, and
+of course the note of the nesting reed-warbler
+is unmistakable."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," I agreed.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a most extraordinary occurrence,"
+he continued, "most extraordinary."</p>
+
+<p>"You mean because there are no
+reeds there?"</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly."</p>
+
+<p>I was quite certain in my own mind
+that there were no reed-warblers either,
+but I felt it would be impertinent for
+a layman like myself to argue with
+Brown.</p>
+
+<p>"There!" he exclaimed, darting to
+the open window. "Can't you hear it?"</p>
+
+<p>I listened. "Oh, that," I said;
+"that's&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"The mating song of the male reed-warbler,"
+interrupted Brown ecstatically.
+"Now, whatever happens, don't
+let them be disturbed. Don't even try
+to find the nest, or you may alarm
+them. Leave it all to me. I shan't
+have a free morning till Saturday,
+but there's no hurry. I'll bring my
+camera round then, and when I've
+located the spot they're building in
+I'll rig up a hiding-place and take
+some photos. Don't let anybody go
+near them; the great thing is to make
+them feel quite at home." He was
+gone before I could explain.</p>
+
+<p>It is rather an awkward situation,
+because, when Brown comes on Saturday
+morning, I am afraid that if he
+secures any really successful photos
+they will prove a disappointment to
+him. They will represent my gardener,
+Williams, trundling a barrow, the wheel
+of which is badly in need of oil.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Tercentenarians.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"It is one of the most marvellous of doubles
+that William Shakespeare and Miguel de Cervantes
+died on the very same day of the same
+year&mdash;on the 23rd day of April, 1916."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Leader (B.E. Africa).</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page311" id="page311"></a>[pg 311]</span>
+
+<h3>ROYAL ACADEMY-FIRST DEPRESSIONS.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/311a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/311a.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Gerald Kelly.</span> <i>The Bird</i>. <span class="sc">"Lucky thing
+I'm stuffed or I'd have fallen off this
+perch long ago!"</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/311b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/311b.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Nurah Cundell. Women Workers on the land playing with their week's
+wages.  Note the Physical Development Produced by the open-air life.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/311c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/311c.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Robert Burns. The lady spy, having finished her performance
+of the hymn of hate, sets the signal lights and awaits confidently
+the arrival of the German fleet.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/311d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/311d.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Sir E. J. Poynter, Bt., P.R.A.  The
+shell-worker's mid-day rest.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/311e.png"><img width="100%" src="images/311e.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">W. Orpen, A.R.A. and A. S. Cope, R.A.</span> <i>Lord
+Spencer.</i> "<span class="sc">Not bad, but I fancy I take</span> <i>The Tailor and
+Cutter's</i> <span class="sc">prize</span>."</p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/311f.png"><img width="100%" src="images/311f.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">This is not in the Academy, but represents the Spirit
+of Allegory luring ambitious artists to their doom.</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page312" id="page312"></a>[pg 312]</span>
+
+<h3>"WHEN THE BOYS COME HOME."</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/312a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/312a.png" alt=""/></a><p>Many women who are taking over men's work may not feel inclined to return to their former occupations after the War.
+Their work in that case will have to be done by men.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Ex-soldiers Waiting in the Consulting-boom of Their
+Panel Doctor To Be Treated for "housemaid's Knee."</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/312b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/312b.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Male nurse receiving the glad eye from a military
+man-killer.</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE SOLDIER'S SPRING.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">On stormy days I get quite warlike;</p>
+<p class="i6">I find it easy to be fierce</p>
+<p class="i4">In winter, when the land is more like</p>
+<p class="i6">The Arctic Pole, with winds that pierce;</p>
+<p>With James for foe and all the meadows mired</p>
+<p class="i2">I feel in concord with the wildest plan,</p>
+<p>And grudge no effort that may be required</p>
+<p class="i8">To enfilade the man.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">But now how hard, when Spring is active,</p>
+<p class="i6">To utter anything but purrs;</p>
+<p class="i4">With all the hillside so attractive</p>
+<p class="i6">How can one concentrate on "spurs"?</p>
+<p>And oh, I sympathise with that young scout</p>
+<p class="i2">Whom anxious folk sent forth to spy the foe,</p>
+<p>But he came back and cried, "<i>The lilac's out</i>!</p>
+<p class="i8">And that is all I know."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">They ask me things about my picket,</p>
+<p class="i6">And whether I'm in touch with whom;</p>
+<p class="i4">I want to lie in yonder thicket,</p>
+<p class="i6">I only wish to touch the bloom;</p>
+<p>And when men agitate about their flanks</p>
+<p class="i2">And say their left is sadly in the air,</p>
+<p>I hear the missel-thrush and murmur, "Thanks,</p>
+<p class="i8">I wish that I was there."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">When we extend and crawl in grim rows,</p>
+<p class="i6">I want to go and wander free;</p>
+<p class="i4">I deviate to pluck a primrose,</p>
+<p class="i6">I stay behind to watch a bee;</p>
+<p>Nor have the heart to keep the men in line,</p>
+<p class="i2">When some have lingered where the squirrels leap,</p>
+<p>And some are busy by the eglantine,</p>
+<p class="i8">And some are sound asleep.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">And always I am filled with presage</p>
+<p class="i6">That, some fair noon of balmy airs,</p>
+<p class="i4">I shall indite a rude Field Message</p>
+<p class="i6">If Colonels pry in my affairs;</p>
+<p>Shall tell them simply, "It is early May,</p>
+<p class="i2">And here the daffodils are almost old;</p>
+<p>About that sentry-group I cannot say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i8">In fact it leaves me cold."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">But, strange, I do not think the enemy</p>
+<p class="i6">In Spring-tide on the Chersonnese</p>
+<p class="i4">Was any whit less vile or venomy</p>
+<p class="i6">When all the heavens whispered Peace;</p>
+<p>Though wild birds babbled in the cypress dim,</p>
+<p class="i2">And through thick fern the drowsy lizards stole,</p>
+<p>It never had the least effect on him&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i8">He can't have had a soul.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Mr. Lloyd George is taking over all the distilleries with patent
+stills for munition work. Bonded whisky is sufficient for two
+years' conviction."&mdash;<i>Times of Ceylon.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Provided that you take enough of it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"It was a delight to hear the voices of the children ring through
+the class-rooms in songs like 'Orpheus with his Lute' and 'Where
+is Sylvia?'"&mdash;<i>Daily News.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We note an error in the latter title. It should, of course,
+have been, "Has anybody here seen Sylvia?"</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page313" id="page313"></a>[pg 313]</span>
+
+<h3>THE NEW DAMOCLES.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/313.png"><img width="100%" src="images/313.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">John Bull</span>. "I WON'T HAVE THIS THING HANGING OVER
+MY HEAD ANY LONGER. I'LL HAVE IT IN MY HAND."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page314" id="page314"></a>[pg 314]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, May 2nd.</i>&mdash;The House of
+Commons was unusually well attended
+this afternoon.  Members filled the
+benches and overflowed into the galleries,
+and many Peers looked down upon
+the scene, among them Lord <span class="sc">Grenfell</span>,
+formerly Commander-in-Chief in Ireland,
+and Lord <span class="sc">MacDonnell</span>, once
+Under-Secretary to the Lord-Lieutenant.
+All were curious to learn what the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> would have to say about
+the painful events of the past week.
+Would he announce that the Government,
+conscious of failure, had decided
+to resign <i>en bloc</i>? Or would it be
+merely pruned and strengthened by
+the lopping of a few of the obviously
+weaker branches?</p>
+
+<p>Nothing of the sort. Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>
+made the barest allusion to the surrender
+of Kut&mdash;an incident
+which was "not one
+of serious military significance."
+As for the insurrection
+in Dublin, there
+would be a debate upon
+it as soon as the Government
+had completed its
+enquiries. The main purpose
+of his speech was
+to announce that the
+Government had decided
+to introduce a Bill for
+general compulsion, and
+to get rid of the piece-meal
+treatment of recruiting
+to which the House
+had objected. Members
+were, I think, hardly prepared
+for the vigour with
+which the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>
+turned upon his critics, reminding them
+that just the same denunciation of
+"vacillating statesmen" was current
+in the days of <span class="sc">Pitt</span>. No doubt there
+had been blunders both in policy and
+strategy, but nevertheless the contribution
+of this Kingdom and this
+Empire to the common cause was
+growing steadily, and the military
+situation of the Allies was never so
+good as it was to-day. If the Government
+no longer had the confidence of
+the people, he thundered out, "let the
+House say so."</p>
+
+<p>While the immediate answer to this
+challenge was a volley of cheers, most
+of the speakers in the subsequent debate
+disguised their confidence in the
+Government so successfully that it
+almost appeared to be non-existent.
+From Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson</span>, who acidly
+remarked that it was unnecessary for
+him to praise the Government, as
+"they always do that for themselves,"
+down to Sir <span class="sc">John Simon</span>, who declared
+that compulsion was being introduced
+from considerations of political expediency
+rather than military necessity, no
+one seemed to be convinced that the
+Government even now quite knew its
+own mind.</p>
+
+<p>The House of Lords, after listening
+to a moving tribute to the memory
+of Lord <span class="sc">St. Aldwyn</span> from his old colleague,
+Lord <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span>, settled down
+to a debate on the new Order in Council
+prohibiting references to Cabinet
+secrets. It met with equal condemnation
+from Lord <span class="sc">Parmoor</span> as a
+constitutional lawyer and from Lord
+<span class="sc">Burnham</span> as a practical journalist.
+The Ministers who "blabbed" were the
+real criminals. Lord <span class="sc">Burnham</span> recommended
+to them the example of the
+gentleman in the French Revolution,
+who always wore a gag in order to
+retain his self-control.</p>
+
+<p>Lord <span class="sc">Buckmaster</span>, that "most susceptible
+Chancellor," made a very
+ingenuous defence of his colleagues.
+They were the unconscious victims of
+adroit interviewers, who obtained information
+from them by a process of
+extraction so painless that they did
+not know the value of what they were
+giving away.</p>
+
+<p>It is time that these innocents were
+protected against themselves. A gag
+must in future be issued to every Minister
+with his Windsor uniform. The
+discarded G.R. armlets of the V.T.C.
+might very well serve the purpose.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, May 3rd</i>.&mdash;When, some
+nine years ago, Mr. <span class="sc">Augustine Birrell</span>
+was appointed Chief Secretary to the
+Lord-Lieutenant a friend who had
+some knowledge of Irish affairs wrote
+to him: "I do not know whether to congratulate
+you or condole with you, but
+I think it is the latter."</p>
+
+<p>It was an easy guess, but its confirmation
+took an unusually long time.
+Indeed, at one moment it looked as if
+Mr. <span class="sc">Birrell</span> would escape the almost
+invariable fate of Irish Secretaries, and
+leave Dublin with his political reputation
+enhanced. When he had placed
+the National University Act on the
+Statute-book, thus solving a problem
+that had baffled his predecessors since
+the Union, he might have sung his
+<i>Nunc Dimittis</i> in a halo.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps he was not sufficiently ambitious
+to demand release; perhaps
+none of his colleagues was anxious to
+take his job; perhaps the Nationalist
+leader insisted on keeping him
+in the silken fetters of office as a hostage
+for Home Rule. Anyhow, the
+opportunity was missed; and thenceforward
+Nemesis dogged his track.</p>
+
+<p>Two years ago it seemed that Ulster
+would be his stumbling-block. The
+War saved him from that, but only to
+bring him down through more sinister
+instruments. In his pathetic apology
+this afternoon he confessed
+that he had failed
+to estimate accurately the
+strength of the Sinn Fein
+movement. He might
+have been wrong in not
+suppressing it before, but
+his omission to do so was
+due to a consuming desire
+to keep Ireland's front
+united in face of the common
+foe.</p>
+
+<p>This frank admission of
+error would in any case
+have disarmed hostile criticism;
+but its effect was
+strengthened by the unseemly
+interjections with
+which Mr. <span class="sc">Ginnell</span> accompanied
+it. If the
+Member for Westmeath
+is a sample of the sort of persons with
+whom the <span class="sc">Chief Secretary</span> had to deal,
+no wonder that he failed to understand
+the lengths to which they would go.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span>, obviously disgusted
+by the pranks of his nominal supporter,
+chivalrously shouldered part of
+the blame that Mr. <span class="sc">Birrell</span> had taken
+upon himself; and even Sir <span class="sc">Edward
+Carson</span>, though a life-long and bitter
+opponent of his policy, was ready to
+admit that he had been well-intentioned
+and had done his best.</p>
+
+<p>Later on, when the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>
+had introduced the new Military Service
+Bill, establishing compulsion for
+all men married or single, Colonel <span class="sc">Craig</span>
+made a vain appeal to Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span>
+to get the measure extended to Ireland.
+Nothing would do more to show the
+world that the recent rebellion was
+only the work of an insignificant
+section of the Irish people.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/314.png"><img width="100%" src="images/314.png" alt=""/></a><p>HIS MASTER'S VOICE.</p>
+
+<p>(With acknowledgments to the well-known poster.)</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> to Mr. <span class="sc">Holt</span>, who moved the rejection of the Bill.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, May 4th</i>.&mdash;Although Mr.
+<span class="sc">Ginnell</span> was one of the Members
+to whom the Government were
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page315" id="page315"></a>[pg 315]</span>
+ready a week ago to impart secrets of
+State with which the Press was not
+deemed fit to be trusted, I gather that
+he has other sources of information
+which he considers much more trustworthy.
+Among various tit-bits with
+which he regaled the House this afternoon
+was a suggested reason why
+British aircraft have not yet bombarded
+Essen. He has his suspicions that it is
+because members of the British Cabinet
+have shares in some of <span class="sc">Frau Krupp's</span>
+subsidiary companies.</p>
+
+<p>Most people know that all leave from
+the Front was stopped just before
+Easter, and have hitherto assumed
+that the stoppage was due to the
+exigencies of the military situation.
+To Mr. <span class="sc">Peto</span>, an earnest seeker after
+truth, as befits his name, Mr. <span class="sc">Tennant</span>
+admitted that there was another reason.
+Last year, it seems, some returning
+warriors got so much mixed up in the
+congested Easter traffic that they never
+reached home at all, so this year the
+authorities resolved to keep them out
+of the danger-zone.</p>
+
+<p>The Government welcomes any suggestion
+that may help to win the War.
+Mr. <span class="sc">Eugene Wason's</span> latest idea is
+that if the War Office and the Admiralty
+were to put their heads together they
+might make it easier for outdoor artists
+in Cornwall to obtain permits to pursue
+their studies, at present restricted,
+in military areas; and Mr. <span class="sc">Tennant</span>
+assured him that this important matter
+was still "under consideration."</p>
+
+<p>The Second Reading of the Military
+Service Bill brought forth some rather
+trite arguments from Mr. <span class="sc">Holt</span> and
+other opponents of compulsion, and a
+lively defence from Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>,
+who thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity,
+after a long silence, of being
+able to speak his mind without fear of
+complications with his colleagues.
+With examples drawn from France and
+the American Civil War he argued that
+compulsory service was an essential
+incident of true democracy. But an
+even more effective backing for the Bill
+came from Mr. <span class="sc">Arthur Henderson</span>.
+Hitherto, according to his own description,
+"the heaviest drag-weight of the
+Cabinet," he now lent it increased
+momentum, and carried with him into
+the Lobby all but nine of his colleagues
+of the Labour Party. Altogether, Sir
+<span class="sc">John Simon</span> and his friends mustered
+just three dozen, and the Second Reading
+was carried against them by a
+majority of 292.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/315.png"><img width="100%" src="images/315.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Dear Old Silly.</i> "<span class="sc">And where do you two come
+from</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Wounded Australian.</i> "<span class="sc">We're Anzacs, Madam</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Dear Old Silly.</i> "<span class="sc">Really? How delightful! And do you both
+belong to this same tribe</span>?"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Pigs.&mdash;<span class="sc">Live Stock Mem of Mark</span>.
+No. 10.&mdash;Alderman &mdash;&mdash;."</p>
+
+<p><i>Live Stock Journal.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"God be with Lord Hardinge wherever he
+may be, whatever may be his sphere of service,
+for we fear we shall not look upon his like
+again."</p>
+
+<p>"It is in this atmosphere of hope and confidence
+that Lord Chelmsford takes up the
+mantle of the Viceroyalty."&mdash;<i>Times of India.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Not for the first time the attempt to
+welcome the coming and speed the
+parting guest in the same breath has
+failed to turn out quite happily.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Evidence was given that the pig, which
+was introduced in a revue at the Metropolitan
+Music Hall, was kept at the back of the stage
+in a crate in which it could not turn or
+stretch itself ... Mr. Paul Taylor said he
+was glad the case had been ventilated."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>So, no doubt, was the pig.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page316" id="page316"></a>[pg 316]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/316.png"><img width="100%" src="images/316.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Instructor.</i> <span class="sc">"Gunnery, gentlemen, is an exact
+mechanical science. Everything is done by rule&mdash;&mdash;"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Ex-Actor.</i> <span class="sc">"Then where does my personality come in, Sir?"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>FASHION-PLATE PATRIOTS.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Since our ranks, Mr. <i>Punch</i>, you've seen fit to upbraid</p>
+<p class="i2">(These lines are to show that you're hard on us),</p>
+<p>When you hear the defence of the fashion-plate maid</p>
+<p class="i2">I'm perfectly certain you'll pardon us;</p>
+<p>Though our heels and our hose and our frills and our frocks,</p>
+<p class="i2">Regardless of taste and expense,</p>
+<p>Your notion of war-time economy shocks;</p>
+<p class="i2">We're doing our bit, in a sense.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Now take, for example, Irene and me;</p>
+<p class="i2">She's thin and I'm rather&mdash;voluminous;</p>
+<p>Our skirts, full and frilly, just cover the knee,</p>
+<p class="i2">And our hose-play discourages gloominess;</p>
+<p>We've a bent for a boot with a soul-stirring spat,</p>
+<p class="i2">Gilt-buttoned and stubbily toed,</p>
+<p>And a top-gallant plume on a tip-tilted hat</p>
+<p class="i2">When we're ripe for the Park and the road.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The public each week, Mr. <i>Punch</i>, you impress</p>
+<p class="i2">With your cool-headed wit and ability,</p>
+<p>So I wonder you've not had the gumption to guess</p>
+<p class="i2">There's method in our imbecility;</p>
+<p>Read on, and your premature chiding deplore,</p>
+<p class="i2">For our merciful mission, in brief,</p>
+<p>Is to brighten the tragical drama of war</p>
+<p class="i2">By providing the comic relief.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>If I were like a man I know and <i>Billing</i> were my name,</p>
+<p>I wouldn't waste my precious time in striving after fame;</p>
+<p>I'd let it come to me unsought, unstruggled for, and then</p>
+<p>I'd just go on existing as a perfect specimen.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>No care would line my marble brow; I'd take no thought of pelf;</p>
+<p>I'd lie the long day through at ease a-thinking of myself;</p>
+<p>For when a man's mere presence lends to any scene delight</p>
+<p>He needn't worry what he does&mdash;whate'er he does is right.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If I could bloom as blooms the rose, and <span class="sc">Billing</span> were a bee,</p>
+<p>With all my pink and petalled force I'd coax him unto me;</p>
+<p>I'd open out my honeyed store, and he might linger on,</p>
+<p>Or cut and cut and come again until the whole were gone.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Such heaps of charm our <span class="sc">Billing</span> has, such tons of <i>savoir faire</i>,</p>
+<p>It irks me much to see him spend his treasures on the air;</p>
+<p>And, still to hint a further fault, he cultivates the pose</p>
+<p>Of knowing all of everything, and lets you know he knows.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Reproductions of Mr. Punch's picture "Haven" are to be
+sold for the benefit of the Star and Garter Building Fund,
+and may be obtained from the Secretary of the Fund, at
+21, Old Bond Street, W. They are to be had in two sizes,
+at <i>2s. 6d.</i> and <i>1s.</i>, or, with Postage and Packing, <i>2s. 10d.</i>
+and <i>1s. 2d.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page317" id="page317"></a>[pg 317]</span>
+
+<h2>THE LUCKIEST MAN.</h2>
+
+<p>We were talking, the other night,
+about lucky people. Barmer declared
+that he knew the man (of whom we
+had all of us heard) who was left a
+large fortune by an eccentric old gentleman
+whose hat he had picked up on
+a windy day at Brighton. A better
+and more original contribution to
+the discussion was that of Bastable,
+a retired Anglo-Indian. I give it as
+nearly as I can in his own words.
+"The luckiest man I ever met," he
+said, "is my groom-gardener, Andrews.
+I don't mean to say in respect of prosperity
+or health, for he is a delicate
+man, and I can only afford to give
+him a modest wage. But he has a
+charmed life, as you will admit when
+you hear of his three escapes.</p>
+
+<p>"Number 1 was when he was employed
+in repairing the roof of one of
+the big London stations. He was
+slung up in a cradle when he lost
+his balance and fell to the ground&mdash;a
+distance of about 80 feet. The odds
+were about a million to one that he
+would be killed, but he managed to
+light on precisely the one spot in the
+whole station area which secured him
+a soft fall&mdash;a barrel of butter which
+was standing on the platform, and from
+which, for some reason or other, the
+lid had been removed. The butter
+was ruined, but Andrews escaped with
+a bad shaking. I believe the butter-merchant
+brought an action against
+the Company, but I forget what happened.</p>
+
+<p>"Number 2 grew out of Andrews's
+weakness for parrots. He had bought
+a parrot from a sailor, who told him
+that the best way to teach it to speak
+was to hang the cage in a well and
+repeat the words or phrases to it at
+3 <span class="sc">A.M.</span> in the morning, so as to secure
+the greatest freedom from disturbance.
+Andrews was then employed in a brewery
+at Watford, and lived in a cottage
+with a strip of garden at the back.
+There was also a well, so that he could
+carry out the sailor's instructions on
+the spot. The cage, which was a large
+one and nearly filled the well, was
+made fast to the bucket apparatus, and
+the first two lessons passed off without
+any incident. But on the third night,
+when Andrews was hard at work, he
+was hailed by a policeman, who came
+along the lane at the side of the garden&mdash;it
+was an end house&mdash;and asked him
+what he was doing. When Andrews said
+that he was teaching his parrot to talk,
+the policeman, naturally suspecting that
+he was there for some felonious purpose,
+climbed over the wall and made
+a grab at him. It was a dark night,
+and, in trying to dodge the policeman,
+Andrews stepped into the well, which,
+according to his account, was ninety
+feet deep. But, as good luck would
+have it, he got jammed between the
+cage and the side of the well, and remained
+hung up until the policeman
+hauled him out with the aid of the
+bucket rope. He was badly bruised,
+but got all right in a few days.</p>
+
+<p>"Andrews's third and last escape
+was in the War. He was a reservist,
+went out early, saw a lot of fighting
+and came through without a scratch
+till last November, when his trench
+was rushed and he was taken prisoner.
+The front trenches at that point were
+only about forty yards apart, and before
+he was removed to the rear a British
+shell lit close to him and blew him
+back into his own lines. He was badly
+hurt and, after some months in hospital,
+was invalided out of the Army,
+but manages to do the light work I
+want all right."</p>
+
+<p>We all subscribed to Bastable's view
+of Andrews's luck&mdash;all at least except
+Barmer, who was a little nettled at
+having his story eclipsed. "I can believe
+the yarn about the shell," he said,
+"but the butter story is a bit thick, and
+all tales about parrots are suspect."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/317.png"><img width="100%" src="images/317.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Bus Conductor.</i> "<span class="sc">Blimy! We <i>do</i> want an
+Air Minister, and no mistake, with things like you floatin' abaht in the
+sky</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Toujours la Politesse.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The officer and a man ran in and respectfully
+shot with a revolver and bayoneted two
+other men each."&mdash;<i>Englishman (Calcutta).</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Washington, Monday.</p>
+
+<p>A representative from Mr. Gerard on his
+visit to the Kaiser at Headquarters has been
+received at the State Department, and is now
+being decoded."&mdash;<i>Manchester Daily Dispatch.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We cannot believe that any American
+diplomatist could be a mere cipher.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page318" id="page318"></a>[pg 318]</span>
+
+<h2>MEDICALLY UNFIT.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">For weight of years some men must stay</p>
+<p class="i4">And some must pause for lack,</p>
+<p class="i2">And some there are would be away</p>
+<p class="i4">But duty holds them back,</p>
+<p>Driving the jobs at home that must be done</p>
+<p class="i6">To smash the Hun.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">And others, whether old or young,</p>
+<p class="i4">Refuse to wait behind;</p>
+<p class="i2">And some with scarcely half a lung</p>
+<p class="i4">Have found the doctors kind;</p>
+<p>Yet never once did any listen to my tick</p>
+<p class="i6">But barred me quick.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">And some whose place should be the van</p>
+<p class="i4">Are doing nothing much;</p>
+<p class="i2">By all the blood that beats in Man</p>
+<p class="i4">I would that any such</p>
+<p>Could loan me, while he plays the skulker's part,</p>
+<p class="i6">His coward heart.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A JUST MAN.</h2>
+
+<p>There were four on each side. At
+the last moment a short round man
+came running up and got in. Hurry
+had not improved his mood, and one
+glance of his eye was enough to make
+me move along two inches to give him
+room. He stood arranging his luggage
+on the rack, pulled his coat straight,
+and sat down&mdash;on the other side. The
+suddenness of his assault was terrific.
+I quickly recovered my two inches, and
+the journey to the next station was
+quite pleasant, so far as I was concerned.</p>
+
+<p>He and I were then left alone.</p>
+
+<p>"I am much obliged to you for
+moving to make room for me, Sir," he
+said politely. "But when I get into
+a compartment with four a side I make
+it a practice to sit down on the side
+on which nobody has moved&mdash;on
+principle, Sir, on principle."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Very Still Life.</h3>
+
+<p>From a notice of Mr. <span class="sc">Brangwyn's</span>
+Academy picture, "The Poulterer's
+Shop":&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Everything lies in its place as if it had
+been there for centuries."&mdash;<i>Morning Post.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A Sinecure.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">General</span>; &pound;20; fam 2; every Sunday
+and wk-day off."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The rebels barricaded St. Stephen's Green
+with motor-cars and tramcars, as in the French
+Revolution."&mdash;<i>Northampton Chronicle.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The 1789 models of motor-cars and
+tramcars are of course out of date by
+now.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<h3>"Pen."</h3>
+
+<p>During one of the intervals which
+served so well to eke out the brief two
+hours of Mr. <span class="sc">Vachell's</span> new "comedy,"
+and were quite as good as many things
+in the play, I allowed my mind&mdash;an
+absolute blank&mdash;to dwell upon certain
+arresting features in the stage curtain
+of the St. James's Theatre. In the
+centre, imposed upon a design whose
+significance I do not pretend to penetrate,
+is a gigantic wreath encircling a
+monogram of the magic initials, G. A.,
+which are surmounted by something
+which I took to be an heraldic top-hat.
+This headpiece is in turn surmounted
+by an heraldic eagle&mdash;the ordinary
+arrangement by which the helmet appears
+above the coat-of-arms being thus
+reversed. The central design is flanked
+on each side by two other wreaths,
+massive but subordinate. Within the
+sinister wreath is enshrined in Greek
+capitals the letters ALEX, and within
+the dexter wreath the letters ANDROS.
+"Reading from left to right" we have
+here the historic name of the Macedonian
+monarch.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot account for the Greek form
+of the name on the ground that the
+St. James's Theatre is the home of the
+Classical Drama, for the themes of its
+plays seldom go back beyond the later
+decades of the 19th century A.D., and
+I can only conclude that it is meant
+to indicate that the conquests of Sir
+<span class="sc">George Alexander's</span> company resemble
+those of the famous phalanx of his
+namesake, the Great.</p>
+
+<p>Most theatres have an atmosphere
+of their own, and it would be hard to
+recall any play at the St. James's that
+has been less in keeping with the local
+climate than this comedy, so described,
+of Mr. <span class="sc">Vachell's</span>. On the score of impropriety
+and improbability it might
+in the old days have appealed to the
+Criterion management; but its lack of
+broad humour must have negatived these
+advantages. In any case Sir <span class="sc">George
+Alexander's</span> house was no place for a
+farce so out of harmony with Macedonian
+methods.</p>
+
+<p>Almost its solitary interest lay in
+the doubt, maintained to the last
+moment, as to which of its many
+fatuous males would turn out to be
+the hero&mdash;meaning by hero the chosen
+husband of the heroine, for none of
+them had any personal claim to the
+title. Indeed, the choice ultimately
+fell upon the one that had the least
+distinctive personality of all, his disguise
+being kept up by a kind of
+protective colourlessness.</p>
+
+<p>But for Miss <span class="sc">Ellis Jeffreys</span>, who
+played the aunt of the preposterous
+<i>Lady Pen</i> with a courage worthy of a
+better cause, and extracted from the
+play such humour as it held for her,
+matters would have gone badly for
+those of us who have been accustomed
+to look to Mr. <span class="sc">Vachell</span> for entertainment.
+Mr. <span class="sc">Allan Aynesworth</span>, as the
+heroine's guardian, had no difficulty in
+transmitting pleasantly enough his mild
+share of the fun. Miss <span class="sc">Marie Hemingway</span>
+needed all her prettiness to make
+up for the futility of her part. And I
+was really sorry that so sound an
+actor as Mr. <span class="sc">Dawson Milward</span> should
+have had such ineffective stuff put into
+his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>Far the funniest thing about the play
+was the fact that so clever and experienced
+a writer should have made it.
+Perhaps the compliments I have paid
+to my friend Mr. <span class="sc">Vachell</span> in these
+columns have given me the right to
+beg him not to take advantage of his
+many recent successes and palm off on
+the public just any kind of banality,
+For these are days when pens (with or
+without a big P) must be pretty good if
+they are to compete with the sword.</p>
+
+<p>With this appeal (and with a silent
+prayer that the play may not come by
+a natural death in time for my homily
+to serve as a funeral appreciation) I
+hasten to conclude, hoping that it will
+find, him in the pink (as they say)
+of a blushful remorse; and, anyhow, I
+remain,   His sincerely,  O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2>
+
+<h3>XI.&mdash;Saint John's Wood.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Saint John walked in a Wood</p>
+<p class="i2">Where elm-trees spread their branches</p>
+<p>And Squirrels climbed and Pigeons cooed.</p>
+<p class="i2">And Hares sat on their haunches.</p>
+<p>He built him willow huts</p>
+<p class="i2">Wherever he might settle;</p>
+<p>His meat was chiefly hazel-nuts,</p>
+<p class="i2">His drink the honey-nettle.</p>
+<p>His Wood that grew so green</p>
+<p class="i2">Is now as grey as stone;</p>
+<p>His Wood may any day be seen,</p>
+<p class="i2">But where's the good Saint John?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"On all faces was the defiant scowl of hatred
+as we looked at them."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>What had our genial contemporary
+done to deserve this?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Turkish newspapers received in Copenhagen
+contain long lists of names of prominent
+Arabs who have been hanged for treason or
+for absenting themselves from military service.
+Overleaf is another list of well-known Arabs
+living in Great Britain and the British Colonies,
+who are cordially invited to return without
+delay."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Dilly ducks, dilly ducks, come and be
+killed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page319" id="page319"></a>[pg 319]</span>
+
+<h3>JUSTIFICATION.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/319.png"><img width="100%" src="images/319.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Wife.</i> <span class="sc">"Two bottles of ginger-beer, dear?"</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> <span class="sc">"Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the
+anniversary of our wedding-day?"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<h3>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)</h3>
+
+<p>It is pleasant to find that even in these days the revival
+of interest in volumes of short stories still continues. But
+of course the stories must have a certain quality. I am
+glad to think that <i>Traveller's Samples</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>)
+will help forward the movement. Mrs. <span class="sc">Henry Dudeney</span>
+has a quite excellent touch for this sort of thing; her tales
+are both atmospheric and, for their length, astonishingly
+full of character. Also she has an engaging habit of avoiding
+the expected. Take one of the best in this present
+book, called "<i>John</i>," for instance. It is the slightest possible
+thing, just a picture of a schoolboy's hopeless love for a
+shallow cruel-brained girl eight years older than himself,
+who is in process of getting engaged to an eligible bachelor.
+But every figure in the little group lives. And the second
+part, which tells the return of the boy-lover twelve years
+later, shows you what I mean about Mrs. <span class="sc">Dudeney's</span>
+refreshing originality. I doubt if there are many writers
+who would have finished off the story in her very satisfactory
+way. There is one quality characteristic of most
+of the tales&mdash;a feeling for middle-age in men and women;
+many of them seem to be variations upon the same theme
+of a love that comes by waiting. Mrs. <span class="sc">Dudeney</span> can
+handle this situation with unfailing charm. Her confessed
+comedies are by far the weakest things in the book; there
+is one of them indeed that seemed to me amazingly pointless.
+But with this exception I can commend her volume
+whole-heartedly, and only hope that the author will continue
+to send out goods of such excellent workmanship,
+"as per" (whatever that means) these attractive samples.</p>
+
+<p>Those who search for minor compensations have affected
+to find one in the idea that the actual happening of the
+World War has removed from us the old fictional scares,
+novels of German super-spies, and unsuspecting islanders
+taken unprepared. But to think this is to reckon without
+the ingenuity of such writers as Mr. <span class="sc">Ridgwell Cullum</span>.
+He, for example, has but to postulate that worst nightmare
+of all, an inconclusive peace, and we are back in the former
+terrors, blacker than ever. Suppose the Polish inventor of
+German undersea craft to have been so stricken with
+remorse at the frightful results thereof that he determines
+to hand all his secrets to the English Government, in the
+person of a young gentleman who combines the positions
+of Cabinet Minister, son and heir to a great shipbuilder,
+and hero of the story; suppose, moreover, that the said
+inventor was blessed with an only daughter, of radiant
+beauty and the rather conspicuous name of <i>Vita Vladimir</i>;
+suppose the inevitable romance, a secret submarine expedition
+to the island where Germany is maturing her felonious
+little plans, the destruction of the latest frightfulness,
+retaliation by Prussian myrmidons, abductions, murders,
+and I don't know what besides&mdash;and you will have some
+faint idea of the tumultuous episodes of <i>The Men Who
+Wrought</i> (<span class="sc">Chapman and Hall</span>). To say that the story
+moves is vastly to understate its headlong rapidity of
+action. And, while I hardly fancy that the characters
+themselves will carry overwhelming conviction, there
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page320" id="page320"></a>[pg 320]</span>
+remains, in the theory of the submersible liner and
+application to political facts, enough genuine wisdom to lift
+the tale out of the company of six-shilling shockers. To
+this extent at least <i>The Men Who Wrought</i> combines
+instruction with entertainment.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Inter-Arma</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>) is the title that Mr. <span class="sc">Edmund
+Gosse</span> has given to his latest volume of essays, reprinted
+from <i>The Edinburgh Review</i>. No one who loves clarity of
+style will need assurance about the quality of these studies,
+which, with one exception, are concerned with some or other
+aspect of the world-struggle. In "War and Literature,"
+a paper dated during the black days of October, 1914, the
+author attempts to realise what will be the probable literary
+effect of the catastrophe by recounting the various ways
+in which French writers suffered from that of 1870. An
+interesting prediction, too, as recalling what many of us
+believed at the beginning of the war, is this about the
+future of English letters: "What we must really face is
+the fact that this harvest of volumes [the autumn publishings
+of 1914] will mark
+the end of what is called
+'current literature' for the
+remaining duration of the
+war. There can be no aftermath,
+we can aspire to no
+revival. The book which does
+not deal directly and crudely
+with the complexities of warfare
+and the various branches
+of strategy will, from Christmas
+onwards, not be published
+at all." As they stand, these
+words might well serve as a
+mild tonic for "current pessimism";
+not even the paper
+famine has brought them to
+fulfilment. Elsewhere in the
+volume is an instructive
+paper on "The Neutrality of
+Sweden" (valuable but vexatious,
+as are all the indictments
+of our insular apathy
+in the matter of influencing
+foreign opinion), and two or
+three interesting studies of
+French life and letters under the conditions of war. In
+fine, a book full of scholarly grace, such as may well achieve
+the writer's hope, expressed in his preface, of renewing the
+friendship he has already made with those readers "whose
+minds have become attuned to his," though they are now
+"separated from him by leagues of sea and occupied in
+noble and unprecedented service."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The author of <i>The Dop Doctor</i>, with her expansive style,
+always seems cramped in any story of under a couple of
+hundred thousand words or so. Perhaps the best things
+in her new book of short stories, <i>Earth to Earth</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>),
+concern <i>The Macwaugh</i>, a shocking bad artist with an
+immense thirst and the heftiest of Scotch accents. I don't
+think that there ever was or could be anybody like <i>Macwaugh</i>,
+or indeed that people talk or act like the majority
+of the characters in this book; but that's where, perhaps,
+"<span class="sc">Richard Dehan</span>" scores a point or two off those realists
+who mistake accuracy of detail for art. This amiable
+drunkard, though absurd, lives and moves. The author is
+evidently attached to him, and that helps. She has, indeed,
+something of the Dickensian exuberance which carries off
+absurdities and crudities that would otherwise be intolerably
+tiresome. She even seems to get some fun out of this
+kind of thing:&mdash;"'Write,' commanded the Zanouka with a
+double-barrelled flash of her great eyes;" or, again, "It's all
+poppycock and bumblepuppy," meaning, just, it isn't true.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>If you are writing or intending to write a book about
+boys let me beg you not to follow the prevailing fashion
+and call your hero David. Within the last few weeks I have
+read <span class="sc">David Penstephen, David Blaise</span>, and now it is Miss
+<span class="sc">Eleanor Porter's</span> <i>Just David</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>) and I am
+beginning to want a rest from the name. <i>David III.</i>, if he
+may be called so, has saved me from utter confusion of
+mind by being an American product and having a charm
+that is peculiarly his own. Cynics indeed may find his perfection
+a little cloying, and may say with some justification
+that no human child ever radiated so much joy and happiness.
+All the same, this simple tale of childhood will
+appeal irresistibly to those who do not draw too fine a
+distinction between sentiment and sentimentality. On the
+whole Miss <span class="sc">Porter</span>, although hovering near the border,
+does not pass into the swamps
+of sloppiness, and as an antidote
+to War fiction I can recommend
+<i>Just David</i> without
+any further qualification.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Richard Harding Davis</span>
+will, alas, entertain us no
+more with his easy-flowing
+pen. These short stories,
+<i>Somewhere in France</i> (<span class="sc">Duckworth</span>),
+must be his farewell
+to us. And it is good to feel
+that his sympathies are so
+whole-heartedly on the right
+side. The first of the stories
+(the only one that has anything
+to do with the War) is a
+spirited yarn of the turning of
+the tables on a German secret
+service agent, with plenty
+of atmosphere and hurrying
+action.  The rest are light
+studies of American life, of
+which I chiefly commend an
+extravaganza set in Hayti with
+a resourceful Yankee electrician, as hero, in conflict with
+the President in the matter of overdue wages; and the
+final item of a tussle between a stern and upright District
+Attorney and the might of Tammany, in which the author
+seems to have a rather whimsical mistrust of both sides. I
+always like to think of Tammany when our croakers are
+holding up everything in this poor little island to obloquy.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The God in the Car.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Rumania asked permission for the passage through Bulgaria of
+several wagons of grain bought from Greece. Bulgaria agreed on
+condition that Rumania should release over 200 wagons of Bulgarian
+gods detained in Rumania."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"An extract of squills, which has been used by the French Government
+in the trenches for two or three months, is to be used in a
+Berwickshire County Council experiment to exterminate rates."</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We should like to hear of something equally deadly to taxes.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Miss Ruby Miller is in gorgeous green, to match her gorgeous
+red hair."&mdash;<i>Sunday Pictorial.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It is perhaps just as well that some people, notably
+engine-drivers, do not see things in this way.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/320.png"><img width="100%" src="images/320.png" alt="" /></a><p>
+<i>Chauffeur (ex-coachman, to master, who has been influenced by
+economy posters).</i> <span class="sc">"A run or two now and again, Sir, would
+be good for the car. You see, if I might so express it,
+she's just eating her bonnet off."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, MAY 10, 1916***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 22992-h.txt or 22992-h.zip *******</p>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2051 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, May
+10, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, May 10, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 14, 2007  [eBook #22992]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, MAY 10, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22992-h.htm or 22992-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/9/22992/22992-h/22992-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/9/22992/22992-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+MAY 10, 1916
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Many graphic tales have been told of the immense loads of plunder
+carried off during the fighting in Dublin; but there has been looting on
+a large scale elsewhere, if one may believe the headline of a
+contemporary:--"Man arrested with Colt in his pocket at Bloomsbury."
+
+       ***
+
+Says a writer in The _Daily Chronicle_: "In one neighbourhood within the
+Zeppelin zone there are hundreds of partridges who defy the Defence of
+the Realm Act. Two or three hours before anyone else is aware that the
+baby-killers are approaching these bold birds go chuckle, chuckle,
+chuckle, as if there were an army of the more human sort of poachers
+about." Personally we have always felt that the section of the Defence
+of the Realm Act which forbids one to go chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, when
+the Zeppelins are approaching is superfluous as well as in inferior
+taste.
+
+       ***
+
+Dr. WALFORD DAVIS, in a lecture on "Songs for Home Singing," recently
+told his hearers how Major Tom Bridges saved a couple of battalions at
+the Front with two penny whistles. We feel bound to point out however
+that any attempt to save the nation with the same exiguous weapons would
+be too hazardous to be encouraged.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to a lack of the necessary dyes there will soon be no more red
+tape available for the War Office and elsewhere. It is to be hoped,
+however, that the familiar and picturesque salutation with which staff
+officers are in the habit of taking leave of one another, "So long, Old
+Tape!" will not be allowed to become obsolete.
+
+       ***
+
+Attention has recently been drawn to the number of strapping boys who
+are idling their time away in cinema houses in the absence of their
+fathers at the Front. Their strapping fathers, of course.
+
+       ***
+
+According to the President of the Baptist Union, "you must hit a
+Londoner at least six times before he smarts." We do not presume to
+dispute this statement, but what we want to know is, how was the
+Londoner occupied while the President of the Baptist Union was
+conducting his extremely interesting experiment?
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the scarcity of tonnage, Denmark shipowners have put into
+commission two 18th-century sailing vessels. Meanwhile in the
+neighbourhood of Mount Ararat there is, we learn, some talk of
+organising an expedition for the recovery of the Ark with a view to her
+utilisation in the cattle-carrying trade.
+
+       ***
+
+The Recorder of Pontefract states that in a recent walk he followed for
+three miles three men who were smoking, and counted sixty-two matches
+struck by them. It is reported that the gentlemen concerned have since
+called upon the Recorder to explain that it was in a spirit of war
+economy that they had dispensed with the services of the torch-bearer
+who had hitherto attended their movements.
+
+       ***
+
+There will be no Bakers' Exhibition this year, it is announced. Many
+_chic_ models however, both in _gateaux_ and the new open-work
+_confiserie_, will be privately exhibited.
+
+       ***
+
+A contributor to _The Observer_ draws our attention to the phenomenally
+early return of the swifts. But after all there must be something
+particularly soothing about England these days to a neurotic fowl like a
+swift.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that Mr. BIRRELL has lately thrown off one of his _obiter
+dicta_--to the effect that Mr. Asquith and his colleagues have expressed
+an ambition to go down in the pages of history as the "Ministry of All
+the Buried Talents."
+
+       ***
+
+It was a confirmed dyspeptic of our acquaintance who, on reading that in
+Paris they are serving a half-mourning salad consisting mainly of sliced
+potatoes, artichokes and pickled walnuts, expressed surprise at their
+failure to add a few radishes to the dish, so that they might be
+thoroughly miserable while they were about it.
+
+       ***
+
+According to a contemporary, Mr. H. B. IRVING'S _Cassius_ "came very
+near to Shakespeare." A delightful change from the innumerable Cassii
+that are modelled, for instance, on Mr. W. W. JACOBS.
+
+       ***
+
+Sir THOMAS LIPTON'S yacht, the _Erin_, has been sunk in the
+Mediterranean, and no doubt the Germans think they have done something
+to go bragh about.
+
+       ***
+
+Italians are being invited by means of circulars dropped from balloons
+to desert to the Austrians, the sum of 5s. 8d. being offered to each
+deserter. This is no doubt what is technically known as a _ballon
+d'essai_.
+
+       ***
+
+The House of Commons is giving serious consideration to the Daylight
+Saving Scheme. But certain occupants of the Treasury Bench (we are
+careful not to "refer to" them as members of the Cabinet) are said to be
+withholding their support till they know what it is that the surplus
+daylight is to be let into.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAY PARADE.
+
+[Illustration: _Officer._ "Have you made an allotment?"
+
+_Recruit._ "Oh, no, Sir! I give up me fowls and cabbages the day afore I
+joined the army."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "London, April 6.--A Zeppelin airship attacked the north-east
+    coast of England on Wednesday afternoon, but was driven off by
+    our anti-Haircraft defences."
+
+    _Daily Chronicle (Jamaica)._
+
+This subtle allusion to the former occupation of the Zeppelin crew has,
+we believe, caused much anxiety among the ex-barbers in the German
+Service, who fear that the A.A.C. will go for them bald-headed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "April 23rd was ... the 300th anniversary of the birth of
+    Shakespeare and of the death of Shakespeare."--_Daily Paper._
+
+And to think of all he accomplished in less than twenty-four hours!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a Red Cross sale:--
+
+    "The exors. of the late Robert Dawson's calf made L6."--_Eastern
+    Daily Press._
+
+We wonder if this generous gift came out of the pockets of the
+next-of-kine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "For whoever was responsible for that blunder, which in most
+    countries would certainly have evoked a cry of betrayal, the
+    mainsheet of Nelson's Victory would be all too inadequate as a
+    penitential white sheet and far too illustrious as a shroud."
+
+    _The Leader (British East Africa)._
+
+We agree, but it would make a splendid halter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY OF THOMAS.
+
+Theory and Practice.
+
+Scene._--Sand on the ---- Frontier of ---. A Cavalry outpost recently
+arrived is sitting in a hollow in a vile temper, morosely gouging hunks
+of tepid bully beef out of red tins. Several thousand mosquitos are
+assiduously eating the outpost. There is nothing to do except to kill
+the beasts and watch the antics of the scavenger beetle, who extracts a
+precarious livelihood from the sand by rolling all refuse into little
+balls and burying them. It is very hot._
+
+_1st Trooper._ Shoot the devils, I would. I can't understand their
+letting 'em go the way they do. The first one I meets I shoots. Killing
+our wounded the way they do.
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Ay, and killing's not the worst they do, neither. You
+should ha' seen them, two poor fellows of ours wot was found. You
+wouldn't be taking no prisoners after that.
+
+_1st Trooper._ If I 'ad my way I wouldn't take no prisoners. 'Tain't
+safe, for one thing. That was 'ow pore old Bill got done in; went to
+take a white-headed old devil prisoner as might have been his
+grandfather, and he up and strafed him in the stomach with a shot-gun.
+Don't care 'oo it is. They say the women's as bad as the men.
+
+_Corporal (darkly)._ Ah, shooting's too good for 'em, I say, after wot
+they done.
+
+_1st Trooper._ They do say they're starving now. Living on grass, 'alf
+of 'em; specially after that lot of camels wot was captured.
+
+_Corporal (darkly)._ Ah, let 'em starve, I say. Starving's too good for
+'em after wot they done.
+
+_2nd Trooper._ That's just it. They won't let 'em starve. As soon as
+they've finished killing our wounded they comes into our camp with all
+their families, and we feeds 'em up with dates and biscuits and probably
+lets 'em go again.
+
+_1st Trooper._ We're too soft-'earted, that's wot we are. Them Germans
+wouldn't carry on like that; they'd shoot 'em quick and no more said.
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Ay, you're right there, and when we gets home the first
+thing we shall find is a relief fund to provide food for 'em.
+
+_Corporal._ Well, they'd better not come near _this_ post; they won't
+get no dates 'ere.
+
+_Sentry._ Corporal, I can see 'alf-a-dozen of them blighters coming
+along about a mile away. Shall I give 'em one?
+
+_Corporal._ No, you idiot. Let's 'ave a look at 'em first.
+
+_[Enter a middle-aged Arab, dressed in the most indescribable rags and
+in the last stage of exhaustion. He is followed at long intervals by his
+family to two generations, who watch his reception anxiously from
+afar.]_
+
+_Arab (falling flat on his face at sight of the Corporal). Bimbashi,
+bimbashi, mongeries, mongeries._
+
+_Corporal._ Yes, I'll bash yer all right. Grey-'eaded old reprobate, you
+ought to know better.
+
+_Arab (in an anguished voice). Mongeries, mongeries._
+
+_1st Trooper._ Lord, he do look thin, por beggar. _Mongeries_--that
+means food, don't it? 'E looks as if 'e hadn't eaten nothing for weeks.
+'Ere, 'ave a biscuit, old sport.
+
+_[Arab makes a spasmodic wriggle towards him.]_
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Look out, Bill, 'e's going to bite your leg.
+
+_1st Trooper (with dignity)._ No, 'e ain't; 'e's a-going to kiss my
+boots. Gorblimy, 'e's a rum old devil!
+
+_Corporal (suddenly remembering his duty)._ 'Ere you, take your clothes
+off. Efta aygry. Strip.
+
+_[The Arab undoes his rags, which slip to the ground.]_
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Blimy, Alf, look at 'em. I never see such a thing in my
+life. Look at that big one on his neck.
+
+_1st Trooper (suddenly)._ I say, old chap, don't you never 'ave a bath?
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Lord, though, ain't he thin? 'E's a fair skeleton.
+
+_[The Arab puts on his clothes again and falls exhausted with the
+effort.]_
+
+_Corporal._ Pore old feller, 'e's fair done; give 'im a biscuit, Alf.
+
+_1st Trooper._ Try 'im with some bully; they say they won't eat that,
+though.
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Won't 'e! I never seen the stuff go so quick. 'Ere, old
+feller, don't eat the tin.
+
+_Corporal._ Don't give 'im any more or 'e'll kill 'isself. Let's see if
+his family can do the disappearing trick as quick as 'e can. Poor
+devils, they've been through something. 'Ere, you family, _mongeries_.
+_Tala henna._
+
+_[The family are brought up and fed on the day's rations.]_
+
+_2nd Trooper._ Lord, Alf, look at this kid; 'is legs ain't as thick as
+my finger; cries just like they do at 'ome too. 'Ere, 'ave a bit o' jam.
+
+_Corporal._ Take 'em back to camp now and 'and 'em over. Come on, old
+boy; you're all right. Lord, ain't they pretty near done. Lucky they
+found us when they did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Better Half.
+
+    "Thames Ditton.--Attested man called up willing to let half
+    house, or take another lady in similar position."--_Daily
+    Telegraph._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WE GIVE OUR SONS."
+
+  Such our proud cry--a vain and empty boast;
+    Love did not ask so great a sacrifice;
+  The first _reveille_ found you at your post;
+    You knew the cost; clear-eyed you paid the price;
+  Some far clear call we were too dull to hear
+        Had caught your ear.
+
+  Not ours to urge you, or to know the voice;
+    No stern decree you followed or obeyed;
+  Nothing compelled your swift unerring choice,
+    Except the stuff of which your dreams were made;
+  To that high instinct passionately true,
+        Your way you knew.
+
+  We did not give you--all unasked you went,
+    Sons of a greater motherhood than ours;
+  To our proud hearts your young brief lives were lent,
+    Then swept beyond us by resistless powers.
+  Only we hear, when we have lost our all,
+         That far clear call.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Non-Stop Service.
+
+The following announcement was recently made at a Liverpool church:--
+
+    "The service to-night will be at six o'clock, and will be
+    continued until further notice."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Butcher expressed his thanks to Mr. Wood for his kind
+    words, and said it was a great satisfaction to know that his
+    efforts had been appreciated, and very gratifying to be thanked
+    by one of the staff. He might reply in the words of Betsy
+    Twigge, 'Changing the name, the same to you.'"
+
+    _Ashbourne Telegraph._
+
+We note, but do not approve, the change.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Washington, Friday.
+
+    Sir Cecil Spring Rice has been instructed to apologise for the
+    action of the British Governor at Trinidad in failing to return
+    the call of the Secretary to the Treasury, Mr. McAdoo, on the
+    latter's visit on board the American cruiser _Tennessee_."
+
+    _Exchange Telegraph._
+
+Much McAdoo about nothing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Evening News_ publishes an account of a conversation between
+"Prince Henry of Prussia (the Kaiser's brother) and Admiral Issimo, of
+Germany." The Issimos are a most distinguished fighting family (of
+Italian origin), and whenever they have adopted either a military or
+naval career have invariably come to the very top.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAKE UP, ENGLAND!
+
+[Illustration: The Sun (_to Householder_). "NOW, THEN, WHY WASTE YOUR
+DAYLIGHT? SAVE IT AND GIVE IT TO THE COUNTRY."
+
+(If only for the sake of economy in artificial light during War-time,
+the Daylight-saving scheme should have the support of all patriots.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+XXXIX.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--There comes a time in the life of the military motor
+when, owing to one thing or another (but mostly another), it becomes a
+casualty and retires, on the ground of ill-health, to the Base. As such
+it is towed into the nearest workshops; but, before it departs to the
+Base there arrive, from all corners of the Army area, drivers of other
+similar motors, coming, as you might say, "for a purpose." These are the
+vultures who have got to hear of the affair, are sorry indeed that such
+mishaps should occur, but, stifling their sorrow, see their way to
+snaffle some little benefit for themselves.
+
+One vulture will come to exchange old lamps for new, another to do a
+deal in magnetos, and a third, may be, to better himself in the matter
+of wheels. There will be some squabbling, and, when the work is done,
+the last state of that casualty will be worse than the first, and it
+will proceed to the Base a melancholy collection of all the most
+dilapidated parts in the area, for which even the most optimistic
+authority at the back of beyond will see no useful future.
+
+Yesterday the following interview took place at my little office, which
+is also my little home and is very handsomely and elaborately furnished
+with a system of boxes, some to sit on, some to write on and some to go
+to sleep in.
+
+"An officer to see you, Sir," said the orderly, and in there came a
+representative from Signals who was pleased to meet me. I put aside my
+work in order to deal with him politely, firmly and once and for all.
+
+"If," I said haughtily, "you are the gentleman who rings me up on the
+telephone every morning at 7 A.M., goes on ringing me up till I creep to
+the instrument and murmur 'Hello!' and then tells me that is all and
+will I please ring off, then I too am glad we have met at last."
+
+He denied the suggestion so hotly that I unbent a little. I asked him to
+be seated, and offered him a part of my bed for the purpose.
+
+"It's like this," he began.
+
+"Is it?" said I. "Then no doubt you want me to sign an Army Form and
+take all the responsibility?"
+
+"For what?" he asked.
+
+"I'm sure I don't know," I answered; "and it doesn't much matter, for I
+shall only pass it on to someone else, please."
+
+For once it wasn't an Army Form. Was I not, he ventured to ask, the
+proprietor of a small car?
+
+"What was once a small car before it met what was once a large telegraph
+pole," I said thoughtlessly.
+
+He was glad to hear this, as he too was the owner of a small car. We
+shook hands on that, though we knew all the time that H.M. Government
+was the owner of both. H.M. Government not being present, however, to
+insist on its rights, we were able to do a quiet swank. In the course of
+it he mentioned, quite by the way, the matter of shock-absorbers. He had
+reason to believe that my car could spare his car a couple of these.
+
+I saw the need for hedging. "That telegraph pole I mentioned just now
+wasn't really very large," I explained, "and it came away quietly,
+offering no resistance."
+
+He smiled knowingly at that.
+
+"Were _you_," I continued, fixing a cold and relentless eye upon
+him--"were you equally lucky with your--your--?"
+
+"Small lorry," he said, with a faint blush. "A tiny lorry, in fact."
+
+"Not more than a dozen tons or so?" I suggested. "No doubt it passed
+quite gradually over you, frightening more than hurting you, and you
+were able to walk home with remainder of small motor in pocket of
+greatcoat?"
+
+He didn't go into that subject. "By the way," he said, "I happened to be
+round at the workshops just now----"
+
+"Did you, indeed?" I took him up. "Then let me tell you at once that the
+wreckage in the workshop's yard was not my small car, so you may abandon
+any hopes you had built upon that."
+
+He appeared to be surprised at the attitude I adopted.
+
+"No," he said slowly--"no, I knew that wasn't _your_ car."
+
+I thought rapidly. "It was _yours_," I hazarded, "and your idea was to
+re-equip that battered wreck at the expense of my very slightly injured
+property?"
+
+He smiled shamelessly.
+
+"You are a most unscrupulous officer," I said, "and I'm beginning to
+think you _are_ the voice which gets me out of bed--I mean, interrupts
+my work--every morning at dawn."
+
+"No, really," he replied, glad to have something to be honest about. "At
+that hour I am always in--at work myself."
+
+We shook hands again on that and I offered him a cigarette.
+
+"Have one of mine," said he.
+
+"No, no," I pressed; "you have one of mine."
+
+Again, if the truth had been admitted, H.M. Government was the rightful
+owner of both.
+
+"Of course," he explained, "you saw my little 'bus from quite its worst
+aspect in that yard."
+
+I was for getting to business. "I want," said I, "a back axle-shaft, a
+head-light, a wind-screen and some mud-guards. What's yours?"
+
+"I could do with a spare wheel-holder, a horn, a couple of yards of
+foot-board," he said. "Two shock-absorbers and at least one wheel I must
+have."
+
+A little discussion proved that between us we could put up a very decent
+car. The only difficulty arose from a doubt as to what was to happen
+when we went out in it. It would still be a two-seater, and neither of
+our chauffeurs was small enough to be carried in the tool-box. Who was
+going to drive, who was going to sit by and, when occasion demanded,
+step out and do the dirty work? Neither of us seeing his way to give in
+on these points, we had to think of some other solution.
+
+"You mentioned the workshops just now," I said. "Were you going on to
+say that the officer in charge told you of another small car which was
+in trouble?"
+
+"He did," said Signals.
+
+"Same here," said I. "Did he then recommend you to get what you wanted
+off that other car?"
+
+"He did," said Signals.
+
+"Same here," said I. "And did you also ascertain that this officer in
+charge possesses a small car of his own rich in standard parts?"
+
+"I did," said Signals.
+
+"Same here," said I. "Let us go out and look for that----"
+
+"Officer in charge," said Signals.
+
+"No," said I, "his car." I felt that we were justified, in the
+circumstances, in dividing it between us.
+
+But there is no limit to these officers in charge of workshops. We had
+the greatest difficulty in finding his car at all, and, when we did, it
+had the appearance of being deliberately concealed. Worse still; when we
+found the car we found also a sentry standing over it, with rifle and
+fixed bayonet. Though we took this to be a direct insult to ourselves,
+we were too proud to go and expostulate with the officer himself about
+it.
+
+Yours ever, Henry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Unfortunate position of once popular Berlin naval battle
+artist, whose occupation has vanished through his having rashly sunk the
+entire British Fleet at an early stage of the war.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The conscientious special.]
+
+[Illustration: the ingenious bank manager.]
+
+[Illustration: and the cautious burglar.]
+
+[Illustration: who lacked staying power.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LETTER.
+
+(From Captain Claude Seaforth to a novelist friend.)
+
+MY DEAR MAN,--You asked me to tell you if anything very remarkable came
+my way. I think I have a story for you at last. If I could only write I
+would make something of it myself, but not being of Kitchener's Army I
+can't.
+
+The other day, while I was clearing up papers and accounts and all over
+ink, as I always get, the Sergeant came to me, looking very rum. "Two
+young fellows want to see you," he said.
+
+Of course I said I was too busy and that he must deal with them.
+
+"I think you'd rather see them yourself," he said, with another odd
+look.
+
+"What do they want?" I asked.
+
+"They want to enlist," he said; "but they don't want to see the doctor."
+
+We've had some of these before--consumptives of the bull-dog breed, you
+know. Full of pluck but no mortal use; "done in" on the first route
+march.
+
+"Why don't you tell them that they must see the doctor and have done
+with it?" I asked the Sergeant.
+
+Again he smiled queerly. "I made sure you'd rather do it yourself," he
+said. "Shall I send them in?"
+
+So I wished them further and said "Yes;" and in they came.
+
+They were the prettiest boys you ever saw in your life--too pretty. One
+had red hair and the other black, and they were dressed like navvies.
+They held their caps in their hands.
+
+"What's this rubbish about not seeing a doctor?" I asked. You know my
+brutal way.
+
+"We thought perhaps it could be dispensed with," Red Hair said, drawing
+nearer to Black Hair.
+
+"Of course it can't," I told them. "What's the use to the Army of
+weaklings who can't stand the strain? They're just clogs in the
+machinery. Don't you see that?"
+
+"We're very strong," Red Hair said, "only----"
+
+"Only what?"
+
+"Only----" Here they looked at each other, and Red Hair said, "Shall
+we?" and Black Hair said, "Yes;" and they both came closer to me.
+
+"Will you promise," said Red Hair, "that you will treat as confidential
+anything we say to you?"
+
+"So long as it is nothing dangerous to the State," I said, rather proud
+of myself for thinking of it.
+
+"We want to fight for our country," Red Hair began.
+
+"No one wants to fight more," Black Hair put in.
+
+"And we're very strong," Red Hair continued.
+
+"I won a cup for lawn-tennis at Devonshire Park," Black Hair added.
+
+"But," said Red Hair.
+
+"Yes?" I replied.
+
+"Don't you believe in some women being as strong as men?"
+
+"Certainly," I said.
+
+"Well then," said Red Hair, "that's like us. We are as strong as lots of
+men and much keener, and we want you to be kind to us and let us
+enlist."
+
+"We'll never do anything to give ourselves away," said Black Hair; but,
+bless her innocent heart, she was giving herself away all the time.
+Every moment was feminine.
+
+"My dear young ladies," I said at last, "I think you are splendid and an
+example to the world; but what you ask is impossible. Have you thought
+for a moment what it would be like to find yourselves in barracks with
+the ordinary British soldier? He is a brave man and, when you meet him
+alone, he is nearly always a nice man; but collectively he might not do
+as company for you."
+
+"But look at this," said Red Hair, showing me a newspaper-cutting about
+a group of Russian girls known as "The Twelve Friends," who have been
+through the campaign and were treated with the utmost respect by the
+soldiers.
+
+"And there's a woman buried at Brighton," said Black Hair, "who fought
+as a man for years and lived to be a hundred."
+
+"And think of JOAN OF ARC," said Red Hair.
+
+"And BOADICEA," said Black Hair.
+
+"Well," I said, "leaving JOAN OF ARC and BOADICEA aside, possibly those
+Russians and that Brighton woman looked like men, which it is certain
+you don't. But any way we must be serious. What would your people say?"
+
+"We left word," said Red Hair, "that we were going off to do something
+for our country. They won't worry. Oh, please be kind and help us!"
+
+Here all four of their beautiful eyes grow moist.
+
+I could have hugged both of them, but I kept an iron hand on myself.
+
+"You nice absurd creatures," I said, "do be reasonable. To begin with,
+passing the doctor is an absolute necessity. That shuts you out. But
+even if you got through how do you think you would be helping your
+country? All the men would be falling in love with you; and that's bad
+enough as it is after working hours; it would be the ruin of discipline.
+And you could not bear the fatigue. No, go back and learn to be nurses
+and let your lovely hair grow again."
+
+They were very obstinate and very unwilling to entertain the thought of
+drudgery such as nursing after all their dreams of excitement; but at
+last they came to reason, and I sent for a cab and packed them off in it
+(I simply could not bear the idea of other people seeing them in that
+masquerade), and told them that the sooner they changed the better.
+
+After they had gone the Sergeant came in about something.
+
+I said nothing, and he said nothing, each of us waiting for the other.
+
+He moved about absolutely silently, and I dared not meet his glance
+because I knew I should give myself away. The rascal has not been
+running his eye over young women all these years without being able to
+spot them in a moment, even in navvy's clothes.
+
+At last I could stand it no longer. "Damn it," I said, "what are you
+doing? Why don't you go? I didn't send for you." But still I didn't dare
+look up.
+
+"I thought perhaps you had something to say to me, Sir," he said.
+
+"No, I haven't," I replied. "Why should I? What about?"
+
+"Only about those two young men, Sir," he replied.
+
+"Get out," I said; but before he could go I had burst into laughter.
+
+"Better not mention it," I managed to say.
+
+He promised.
+
+There--won't you find that useful?
+
+Yours, C. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VERY RARE BIRD.
+
+Brown lives next door but one to me. His speciality is birds, and he
+must be a frightful nuisance to them. I shouldn't care to be a bird if
+Brown knew where my nest was. It isn't that he takes their eggs. If he
+would merely rob them and go away it wouldn't matter so much. They could
+always begin again after a decent interval. But a naturalist of the
+modern school doesn't want a bird's eggs; he wants to watch her sitting
+on them. Now sitting is a business that demands concentration, a strong
+effort of the will and an undistracted mind. How on earth is a bird to
+concentrate when she knows perfectly well that Brown, disguised as a
+tree or a sheep or a haycock, is watching her day after day for hours at
+a stretch and snap-shotting her every five minutes or so for some
+confounded magazine? In nine cases out of ten she lets her thoughts
+wander and ends half unconsciously by posing, with the result that most
+of her eggs don't hatch out.
+
+Brown has a highly-trained sense of hearing. You and I, of course,
+possess pretty good ears for ordinary purposes. We can catch as soon as
+anyone else that muffled midnight hum, as of a distant threshing-machine
+beneath a blanket, which advertises the approach of the roaming Zepp.
+From constant practice, too, we have learnt, sitting in our drawing room
+or study, to distinguish the crash of the overturned nursery table
+upstairs from the duller, less resonant thud of baby's head as it
+strikes the floor. But can we positively state from the note of the
+blackbird at the bottom of the garden whether it has three, four or five
+eggs in its nest, or indeed if it is a house-holder at all? No, we
+cannot; but Brown can.
+
+Even specialists, however, occasionally make mistakes. A day or two ago,
+just as dusk was falling, Brown entered my house in a state of
+considerable excitement and informed me that a pair of reed-warblers
+were building in my orchard.
+
+"Are you sure?" I asked.
+
+"Quite," he replied. "I have not actually seen the birds yet, but I have
+heard them from my own garden, and of course the note of the nesting
+reed-warbler is unmistakable."
+
+"Of course," I agreed.
+
+"It is a most extraordinary occurrence," he continued, "most
+extraordinary."
+
+"You mean because there are no reeds there?"
+
+"Exactly."
+
+I was quite certain in my own mind that there were no reed-warblers
+either, but I felt it would be impertinent for a layman like myself to
+argue with Brown.
+
+"There!" he exclaimed, darting to the open window. "Can't you hear it?"
+
+I listened. "Oh, that," I said; "that's----"
+
+"The mating song of the male reed-warbler," interrupted Brown
+ecstatically. "Now, whatever happens, don't let them be disturbed. Don't
+even try to find the nest, or you may alarm them. Leave it all to me. I
+shan't have a free morning till Saturday, but there's no hurry. I'll
+bring my camera round then, and when I've located the spot they're
+building in I'll rig up a hiding-place and take some photos. Don't let
+anybody go near them; the great thing is to make them feel quite at
+home." He was gone before I could explain.
+
+It is rather an awkward situation, because, when Brown comes on Saturday
+morning, I am afraid that if he secures any really successful photos
+they will prove a disappointment to him. They will represent my
+gardener, Williams, trundling a barrow, the wheel of which is badly in
+need of oil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Tercentenarians.
+
+    "It is one of the most marvellous of doubles that William
+    Shakespeare and Miguel de Cervantes died on the very same day of
+    the same year--on the 23rd day of April, 1916."
+
+    _The Leader (B.E. Africa)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL ACADEMY-FIRST DEPRESSIONS.
+
+[Illustration: Gerald Kelly. _The Bird_. "Lucky thing I'm stuffed or I'd
+have fallen off this perch long ago!"]
+
+[Illustration: Nurah Cundell. Women Workers on the land playing with
+their week's wages. Note the Physical Development Produced by the
+open-air life.]
+
+[Illustration: Robert Burns. The lady spy, having finished her
+performance of the hymn of hate, sets the signal lights and awaits
+confidently the arrival of the German fleet.]
+
+[Illustration: Sir E. J. Poynter, Bt., P.R.A. The shell-worker's mid-day
+rest.]
+
+[Illustration: W. Orpen, A.R.A. and A. S. Cope, R.A. _Lord Spencer._
+"Not bad, but I fancy I take _The Tailor and Cutter's_ prize."]
+
+[Illustration: This is not in the Academy, but represents the Spirit of
+Allegory luring ambitious artists to their doom.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHEN THE BOYS COME HOME."
+
+[Illustration: Many women who are taking over men's work may not feel
+inclined to return to their former occupations after the War. Their work
+in that case will have to be done by men.
+
+Ex-soldiers Waiting in the Consulting-boom of Their Panel Doctor To Be
+Treated for "housemaid's Knee."]
+
+[Illustration: Male nurse receiving the glad eye from a military
+man-killer.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SOLDIER'S SPRING.
+
+      On stormy days I get quite warlike;
+        I find it easy to be fierce
+      In winter, when the land is more like
+        The Arctic Pole, with winds that pierce;
+  With James for foe and all the meadows mired
+    I feel in concord with the wildest plan,
+  And grudge no effort that may be required
+          To enfilade the man.
+
+      But now how hard, when Spring is active,
+        To utter anything but purrs;
+      With all the hillside so attractive
+        How can one concentrate on "spurs"?
+  And oh, I sympathise with that young scout
+    Whom anxious folk sent forth to spy the foe,
+  But he came back and cried, "_The lilac's out_!
+          And that is all I know."
+
+      They ask me things about my picket,
+        And whether I'm in touch with whom;
+      I want to lie in yonder thicket,
+        I only wish to touch the bloom;
+  And when men agitate about their flanks
+    And say their left is sadly in the air,
+  I hear the missel-thrush and murmur, "Thanks,
+          I wish that I was there."
+
+      When we extend and crawl in grim rows,
+        I want to go and wander free;
+      I deviate to pluck a primrose,
+        I stay behind to watch a bee;
+  Nor have the heart to keep the men in line,
+    When some have lingered where the squirrels leap,
+  And some are busy by the eglantine,
+          And some are sound asleep.
+
+      And always I am filled with presage
+        That, some fair noon of balmy airs,
+      I shall indite a rude Field Message
+        If Colonels pry in my affairs;
+  Shall tell them simply, "It is early May,
+    And here the daffodils are almost old;
+  About that sentry-group I cannot say----
+          In fact it leaves me cold."
+
+      But, strange, I do not think the enemy
+        In Spring-tide on the Chersonnese
+      Was any whit less vile or venomy
+        When all the heavens whispered Peace;
+  Though wild birds babbled in the cypress dim,
+    And through thick fern the drowsy lizards stole,
+  It never had the least effect on him--
+          He can't have had a soul.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Lloyd George is taking over all the distilleries with
+    patent stills for munition work. Bonded whisky is sufficient for
+    two years' conviction."--_Times of Ceylon._
+
+Provided that you take enough of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was a delight to hear the voices of the children ring through
+    the class-rooms in songs like 'Orpheus with his Lute' and 'Where
+    is Sylvia?'"--_Daily News._
+
+We note an error in the latter title. It should, of course, have been,
+"Has anybody here seen Sylvia?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW DAMOCLES.
+
+[Illustration: John Bull. "I WON'T HAVE THIS THING HANGING OVER MY HEAD
+ANY LONGER. I'LL HAVE IT IN MY HAND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, May 2nd._--The House of Commons was unusually well attended
+this afternoon. Members filled the benches and overflowed into the
+galleries, and many Peers looked down upon the scene, among them Lord
+GRENFELL, formerly Commander-in-Chief in Ireland, and Lord MACDONNELL,
+once Under-Secretary to the Lord-Lieutenant. All were curious to learn
+what the PRIME MINISTER would have to say about the painful events of
+the past week. Would he announce that the Government, conscious of
+failure, had decided to resign _en bloc_? Or would it be merely pruned
+and strengthened by the lopping of a few of the obviously weaker
+branches?
+
+Nothing of the sort. Mr. ASQUITH made the barest allusion to the
+surrender of Kut--an incident which was "not one of serious military
+significance." As for the insurrection in Dublin, there would be a
+debate upon it as soon as the Government had completed its enquiries.
+The main purpose of his speech was to announce that the Government had
+decided to introduce a Bill for general compulsion, and to get rid of
+the piece-meal treatment of recruiting to which the House had objected.
+Members were, I think, hardly prepared for the vigour with which the
+PRIME MINISTER turned upon his critics, reminding them that just the
+same denunciation of "vacillating statesmen" was current in the days of
+PITT. No doubt there had been blunders both in policy and strategy, but
+nevertheless the contribution of this Kingdom and this Empire to the
+common cause was growing steadily, and the military situation of the
+Allies was never so good as it was to-day. If the Government no longer
+had the confidence of the people, he thundered out, "let the House say
+so."
+
+While the immediate answer to this challenge was a volley of cheers,
+most of the speakers in the subsequent debate disguised their confidence
+in the Government so successfully that it almost appeared to be
+non-existent. From Sir EDWARD CARSON, who acidly remarked that it was
+unnecessary for him to praise the Government, as "they always do that
+for themselves," down to Sir JOHN SIMON, who declared that compulsion
+was being introduced from considerations of political expediency rather
+than military necessity, no one seemed to be convinced that the
+Government even now quite knew its own mind.
+
+The House of Lords, after listening to a moving tribute to the memory of
+Lord ST. ALDWYN from his old colleague, Lord LANSDOWNE, settled down to
+a debate on the new Order in Council prohibiting references to Cabinet
+secrets. It met with equal condemnation from Lord PARMOOR as a
+constitutional lawyer and from Lord BURNHAM as a practical journalist.
+The Ministers who "blabbed" were the real criminals. Lord BURNHAM
+recommended to them the example of the gentleman in the French
+Revolution, who always wore a gag in order to retain his self-control.
+
+Lord BUCKMASTER, that "most susceptible Chancellor," made a very
+ingenuous defence of his colleagues. They were the unconscious victims
+of adroit interviewers, who obtained information from them by a process
+of extraction so painless that they did not know the value of what they
+were giving away.
+
+It is time that these innocents were protected against themselves. A gag
+must in future be issued to every Minister with his Windsor uniform. The
+discarded G.R. armlets of the V.T.C. might very well serve the purpose.
+
+_Wednesday, May 3rd_.--When, some nine years ago, Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL
+was appointed Chief Secretary to the Lord-Lieutenant a friend who had
+some knowledge of Irish affairs wrote to him: "I do not know whether to
+congratulate you or condole with you, but I think it is the latter."
+
+It was an easy guess, but its confirmation took an unusually long time.
+Indeed, at one moment it looked as if Mr. BIRRELL would escape the
+almost invariable fate of Irish Secretaries, and leave Dublin with his
+political reputation enhanced. When he had placed the National
+University Act on the Statute-book, thus solving a problem that had
+baffled his predecessors since the Union, he might have sung his _Nunc
+Dimittis_ in a halo.
+
+Perhaps he was not sufficiently ambitious to demand release; perhaps
+none of his colleagues was anxious to take his job; perhaps the
+Nationalist leader insisted on keeping him in the silken fetters of
+office as a hostage for Home Rule. Anyhow, the opportunity was missed;
+and thenceforward Nemesis dogged his track.
+
+Two years ago it seemed that Ulster would be his stumbling-block. The
+War saved him from that, but only to bring him down through more
+sinister instruments. In his pathetic apology this afternoon he
+confessed that he had failed to estimate accurately the strength of the
+Sinn Fein movement. He might have been wrong in not suppressing it
+before, but his omission to do so was due to a consuming desire to keep
+Ireland's front united in face of the common foe.
+
+This frank admission of error would in any case have disarmed hostile
+criticism; but its effect was strengthened by the unseemly interjections
+with which Mr. GINNELL accompanied it. If the Member for Westmeath is a
+sample of the sort of persons with whom the CHIEF SECRETARY had to deal,
+no wonder that he failed to understand the lengths to which they would
+go.
+
+Mr. REDMOND, obviously disgusted by the pranks of his nominal supporter,
+chivalrously shouldered part of the blame that Mr. BIRRELL had taken
+upon himself; and even Sir EDWARD CARSON, though a life-long and bitter
+opponent of his policy, was ready to admit that he had been
+well-intentioned and had done his best.
+
+Later on, when the PRIME MINISTER had introduced the new Military
+Service Bill, establishing compulsion for all men married or single,
+Colonel CRAIG made a vain appeal to Mr. REDMOND to get the measure
+extended to Ireland. Nothing would do more to show the world that the
+recent rebellion was only the work of an insignificant section of the
+Irish people.
+
+[Illustration: HIS MASTER'S VOICE.
+
+(With acknowledgments to the well-known poster.)
+
+Mr. Lloyd George to Mr. Holt, who moved the rejection of the Bill.]
+
+_Thursday, May 4th_.--Although Mr. GINNELL was one of the Members to
+whom the Government were ready a week ago to impart secrets of State
+with which the Press was not deemed fit to be trusted, I gather that he
+has other sources of information which he considers much more
+trustworthy. Among various tit-bits with which he regaled the House this
+afternoon was a suggested reason why British aircraft have not yet
+bombarded Essen. He has his suspicions that it is because members of the
+British Cabinet have shares in some of FRAU KRUPP'S subsidiary
+companies.
+
+Most people know that all leave from the Front was stopped just before
+Easter, and have hitherto assumed that the stoppage was due to the
+exigencies of the military situation. To Mr. PETO, an earnest seeker
+after truth, as befits his name, Mr. TENNANT admitted that there was
+another reason. Last year, it seems, some returning warriors got so much
+mixed up in the congested Easter traffic that they never reached home at
+all, so this year the authorities resolved to keep them out of the
+danger-zone.
+
+The Government welcomes any suggestion that may help to win the War. Mr.
+EUGENE WASON'S latest idea is that if the War Office and the Admiralty
+were to put their heads together they might make it easier for outdoor
+artists in Cornwall to obtain permits to pursue their studies, at
+present restricted, in military areas; and Mr. TENNANT assured him that
+this important matter was still "under consideration."
+
+The Second Reading of the Military Service Bill brought forth some
+rather trite arguments from Mr. HOLT and other opponents of compulsion,
+and a lively defence from Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, who thoroughly enjoyed the
+opportunity, after a long silence, of being able to speak his mind
+without fear of complications with his colleagues. With examples drawn
+from France and the American Civil War he argued that compulsory service
+was an essential incident of true democracy. But an even more effective
+backing for the Bill came from Mr. ARTHUR HENDERSON. Hitherto, according
+to his own description, "the heaviest drag-weight of the Cabinet," he
+now lent it increased momentum, and carried with him into the Lobby all
+but nine of his colleagues of the Labour Party. Altogether, Sir JOHN
+SIMON and his friends mustered just three dozen, and the Second Reading
+was carried against them by a majority of 292.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dear Old Silly._ "And where do you two come from?"
+
+_Wounded Australian._ "We're Anzacs, Madam."
+
+_Dear Old Silly._ "Really? How delightful! And do you both belong to
+this same tribe?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "Pigs.--Live Stock Mem of Mark. No. 10.--Alderman ----."
+
+    _Live Stock Journal._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "God be with Lord Hardinge wherever he may be, whatever may be
+    his sphere of service, for we fear we shall not look upon his
+    like again."
+
+    "It is in this atmosphere of hope and confidence that Lord
+    Chelmsford takes up the mantle of the Viceroyalty."--_Times of
+    India._
+
+Not for the first time the attempt to welcome the coming and speed the
+parting guest in the same breath has failed to turn out quite happily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Evidence was given that the pig, which was introduced in a
+    revue at the Metropolitan Music Hall, was kept at the back of
+    the stage in a crate in which it could not turn or stretch
+    itself ... Mr. Paul Taylor said he was glad the case had been
+    ventilated."
+
+    _The Times._
+
+So, no doubt, was the pig.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Instructor._ "Gunnery, gentlemen, is an exact mechanical
+science. Everything is done by rule----"
+
+_Ex-Actor._ "Then where does my personality come in, Sir?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHION-PLATE PATRIOTS.
+
+  Since our ranks, Mr. _Punch_, you've seen fit to upbraid
+    (These lines are to show that you're hard on us),
+  When you hear the defence of the fashion-plate maid
+    I'm perfectly certain you'll pardon us;
+  Though our heels and our hose and our frills and our frocks,
+    Regardless of taste and expense,
+  Your notion of war-time economy shocks;
+    We're doing our bit, in a sense.
+
+  Now take, for example, Irene and me;
+    She's thin and I'm rather--voluminous;
+  Our skirts, full and frilly, just cover the knee,
+    And our hose-play discourages gloominess;
+  We've a bent for a boot with a soul-stirring spat,
+    Gilt-buttoned and stubbily toed,
+  And a top-gallant plume on a tip-tilted hat
+    When we're ripe for the Park and the road.
+
+  The public each week, Mr. _Punch_, you impress
+    With your cool-headed wit and ability,
+  So I wonder you've not had the gumption to guess
+    There's method in our imbecility;
+  Read on, and your premature chiding deplore,
+    For our merciful mission, in brief,
+  Is to brighten the tragical drama of war
+    By providing the comic relief.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  If I were like a man I know and _Billing_ were my name,
+  I wouldn't waste my precious time in striving after fame;
+  I'd let it come to me unsought, unstruggled for, and then
+  I'd just go on existing as a perfect specimen.
+
+  No care would line my marble brow; I'd take no thought of pelf;
+  I'd lie the long day through at ease a-thinking of myself;
+  For when a man's mere presence lends to any scene delight
+  He needn't worry what he does--whate'er he does is right.
+
+  If I could bloom as blooms the rose, and BILLING were a bee,
+  With all my pink and petalled force I'd coax him unto me;
+  I'd open out my honeyed store, and he might linger on,
+  Or cut and cut and come again until the whole were gone.
+
+  Such heaps of charm our BILLING has, such tons of _savoir faire_,
+  It irks me much to see him spend his treasures on the air;
+  And, still to hint a further fault, he cultivates the pose
+  Of knowing all of everything, and lets you know he knows.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    Reproductions of Mr. Punch's picture "Haven" are to be sold for
+    the benefit of the Star and Garter Building Fund, and may be
+    obtained from the Secretary of the Fund, at 21, Old Bond Street,
+    W. They are to be had in two sizes, at _2s. 6d._ and _1s._, or,
+    with Postage and Packing, _2s. 10d._ and _1s. 2d._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LUCKIEST MAN.
+
+We were talking, the other night, about lucky people. Barmer declared
+that he knew the man (of whom we had all of us heard) who was left a
+large fortune by an eccentric old gentleman whose hat he had picked up
+on a windy day at Brighton. A better and more original contribution to
+the discussion was that of Bastable, a retired Anglo-Indian. I give it
+as nearly as I can in his own words. "The luckiest man I ever met," he
+said, "is my groom-gardener, Andrews. I don't mean to say in respect of
+prosperity or health, for he is a delicate man, and I can only afford to
+give him a modest wage. But he has a charmed life, as you will admit
+when you hear of his three escapes.
+
+"Number 1 was when he was employed in repairing the roof of one of the
+big London stations. He was slung up in a cradle when he lost his
+balance and fell to the ground--a distance of about 80 feet. The odds
+were about a million to one that he would be killed, but he managed to
+light on precisely the one spot in the whole station area which secured
+him a soft fall--a barrel of butter which was standing on the platform,
+and from which, for some reason or other, the lid had been removed. The
+butter was ruined, but Andrews escaped with a bad shaking. I believe the
+butter-merchant brought an action against the Company, but I forget what
+happened.
+
+"Number 2 grew out of Andrews's weakness for parrots. He had bought a
+parrot from a sailor, who told him that the best way to teach it to
+speak was to hang the cage in a well and repeat the words or phrases to
+it at 3 A.M. in the morning, so as to secure the greatest freedom from
+disturbance. Andrews was then employed in a brewery at Watford, and
+lived in a cottage with a strip of garden at the back. There was also a
+well, so that he could carry out the sailor's instructions on the spot.
+The cage, which was a large one and nearly filled the well, was made
+fast to the bucket apparatus, and the first two lessons passed off
+without any incident. But on the third night, when Andrews was hard at
+work, he was hailed by a policeman, who came along the lane at the side
+of the garden--it was an end house--and asked him what he was doing.
+When Andrews said that he was teaching his parrot to talk, the
+policeman, naturally suspecting that he was there for some felonious
+purpose, climbed over the wall and made a grab at him. It was a dark
+night, and, in trying to dodge the policeman, Andrews stepped into the
+well, which, according to his account, was ninety feet deep. But, as
+good luck would have it, he got jammed between the cage and the side of
+the well, and remained hung up until the policeman hauled him out with
+the aid of the bucket rope. He was badly bruised, but got all right in a
+few days.
+
+"Andrews's third and last escape was in the War. He was a reservist,
+went out early, saw a lot of fighting and came through without a scratch
+till last November, when his trench was rushed and he was taken
+prisoner. The front trenches at that point were only about forty yards
+apart, and before he was removed to the rear a British shell lit close
+to him and blew him back into his own lines. He was badly hurt and,
+after some months in hospital, was invalided out of the Army, but
+manages to do the light work I want all right."
+
+We all subscribed to Bastable's view of Andrews's luck--all at least
+except Barmer, who was a little nettled at having his story eclipsed. "I
+can believe the yarn about the shell," he said, "but the butter story is
+a bit thick, and all tales about parrots are suspect."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bus Conductor._ "Blimy! We _do_ want an Air Minister,
+and no mistake, with things like you floatin' abaht in the sky."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Toujours la Politesse.
+
+    "The officer and a man ran in and respectfully shot with a
+    revolver and bayoneted two other men each."--_Englishman
+    (Calcutta)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Washington, Monday.
+
+    A representative from Mr. Gerard on his visit to the Kaiser at
+    Headquarters has been received at the State Department, and is
+    now being decoded."--_Manchester Daily Dispatch._
+
+We cannot believe that any American diplomatist could be a mere cipher.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDICALLY UNFIT.
+
+    For weight of years some men must stay
+      And some must pause for lack,
+    And some there are would be away
+      But duty holds them back,
+  Driving the jobs at home that must be done
+        To smash the Hun.
+
+    And others, whether old or young,
+      Refuse to wait behind;
+    And some with scarcely half a lung
+      Have found the doctors kind;
+  Yet never once did any listen to my tick
+        But barred me quick.
+
+    And some whose place should be the van
+      Are doing nothing much;
+    By all the blood that beats in Man
+      I would that any such
+  Could loan me, while he plays the skulker's part,
+        His coward heart.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A JUST MAN.
+
+There were four on each side. At the last moment a short round man came
+running up and got in. Hurry had not improved his mood, and one glance
+of his eye was enough to make me move along two inches to give him room.
+He stood arranging his luggage on the rack, pulled his coat straight,
+and sat down--on the other side. The suddenness of his assault was
+terrific. I quickly recovered my two inches, and the journey to the next
+station was quite pleasant, so far as I was concerned.
+
+He and I were then left alone.
+
+"I am much obliged to you for moving to make room for me, Sir," he said
+politely. "But when I get into a compartment with four a side I make it
+a practice to sit down on the side on which nobody has moved--on
+principle, Sir, on principle."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Very Still Life.
+
+From a notice of Mr. BRANGWYN'S Academy picture, "The Poulterer's
+Shop":--
+
+    "Everything lies in its place as if it had been there for
+    centuries."--_Morning Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Sinecure.
+
+    "GENERAL; L20; fam 2; every Sunday and wk-day off."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The rebels barricaded St. Stephen's Green with motor-cars and
+    tramcars, as in the French Revolution."--_Northampton
+    Chronicle._
+
+The 1789 models of motor-cars and tramcars are of course out of date by
+now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"Pen."
+
+During one of the intervals which served so well to eke out the brief
+two hours of Mr. VACHELL's new "comedy," and were quite as good as many
+things in the play, I allowed my mind--an absolute blank--to dwell upon
+certain arresting features in the stage curtain of the St. James's
+Theatre. In the centre, imposed upon a design whose significance I do
+not pretend to penetrate, is a gigantic wreath encircling a monogram of
+the magic initials, G. A., which are surmounted by something which I
+took to be an heraldic top-hat. This headpiece is in turn surmounted by
+an heraldic eagle--the ordinary arrangement by which the helmet appears
+above the coat-of-arms being thus reversed. The central design is
+flanked on each side by two other wreaths, massive but subordinate.
+Within the sinister wreath is enshrined in Greek capitals the letters
+ALEX, and within the dexter wreath the letters ANDROS. "Reading from
+left to right" we have here the historic name of the Macedonian monarch.
+
+I cannot account for the Greek form of the name on the ground that the
+St. James's Theatre is the home of the Classical Drama, for the themes
+of its plays seldom go back beyond the later decades of the 19th century
+A.D., and I can only conclude that it is meant to indicate that the
+conquests of Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER'S company resemble those of the famous
+phalanx of his namesake, the Great.
+
+Most theatres have an atmosphere of their own, and it would be hard to
+recall any play at the St. James's that has been less in keeping with
+the local climate than this comedy, so described, of Mr. VACHELL'S. On
+the score of impropriety and improbability it might in the old days have
+appealed to the Criterion management; but its lack of broad humour must
+have negatived these advantages. In any case Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER'S
+house was no place for a farce so out of harmony with Macedonian
+methods.
+
+Almost its solitary interest lay in the doubt, maintained to the last
+moment, as to which of its many fatuous males would turn out to be the
+hero--meaning by hero the chosen husband of the heroine, for none of
+them had any personal claim to the title. Indeed, the choice ultimately
+fell upon the one that had the least distinctive personality of all, his
+disguise being kept up by a kind of protective colourlessness.
+
+But for Miss ELLIS JEFFREYS, who played the aunt of the preposterous
+_Lady Pen_ with a courage worthy of a better cause, and extracted from
+the play such humour as it held for her, matters would have gone badly
+for those of us who have been accustomed to look to Mr. VACHELL for
+entertainment. Mr. ALLAN AYNESWORTH, as the heroine's guardian, had no
+difficulty in transmitting pleasantly enough his mild share of the fun.
+Miss MARIE HEMINGWAY needed all her prettiness to make up for the
+futility of her part. And I was really sorry that so sound an actor as
+Mr. DAWSON MILWARD should have had such ineffective stuff put into his
+mouth.
+
+Far the funniest thing about the play was the fact that so clever and
+experienced a writer should have made it. Perhaps the compliments I have
+paid to my friend Mr. VACHELL in these columns have given me the right
+to beg him not to take advantage of his many recent successes and palm
+off on the public just any kind of banality, For these are days when
+pens (with or without a big P) must be pretty good if they are to
+compete with the sword.
+
+With this appeal (and with a silent prayer that the play may not come by
+a natural death in time for my homily to serve as a funeral
+appreciation) I hasten to conclude, hoping that it will find, him in the
+pink (as they say) of a blushful remorse; and, anyhow, I remain,
+
+His sincerely, O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+XI.--Saint John's Wood.
+
+  Saint John walked in a Wood
+    Where elm-trees spread their branches
+  And Squirrels climbed and Pigeons cooed.
+    And Hares sat on their haunches.
+  He built him willow huts
+    Wherever he might settle;
+  His meat was chiefly hazel-nuts,
+    His drink the honey-nettle.
+  His Wood that grew so green
+    Is now as grey as stone;
+  His Wood may any day be seen,
+    But where's the good Saint John?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On all faces was the defiant scowl of hatred as we looked at
+    them."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+What had our genial contemporary done to deserve this?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Turkish newspapers received in Copenhagen contain long lists of
+    names of prominent Arabs who have been hanged for treason or for
+    absenting themselves from military service. Overleaf is another
+    list of well-known Arabs living in Great Britain and the British
+    Colonies, who are cordially invited to return without
+    delay."--_Morning Paper._
+
+Dilly ducks, dilly ducks, come and be killed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JUSTIFICATION.
+
+[Illustration: _Wife._ "Two bottles of ginger-beer, dear?"
+
+_He._ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our
+wedding-day?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
+
+It is pleasant to find that even in these days the revival of interest
+in volumes of short stories still continues. But of course the stories
+must have a certain quality. I am glad to think that _Traveller's
+Samples_ (MILLS AND BOON) will help forward the movement. Mrs. HENRY
+DUDENEY has a quite excellent touch for this sort of thing; her tales
+are both atmospheric and, for their length, astonishingly full of
+character. Also she has an engaging habit of avoiding the expected. Take
+one of the best in this present book, called "_John_," for instance. It
+is the slightest possible thing, just a picture of a schoolboy's
+hopeless love for a shallow cruel-brained girl eight years older than
+himself, who is in process of getting engaged to an eligible bachelor.
+But every figure in the little group lives. And the second part, which
+tells the return of the boy-lover twelve years later, shows you what I
+mean about Mrs. DUDENEY'S refreshing originality. I doubt if there are
+many writers who would have finished off the story in her very
+satisfactory way. There is one quality characteristic of most of the
+tales--a feeling for middle-age in men and women; many of them seem to
+be variations upon the same theme of a love that comes by waiting. Mrs.
+DUDENEY can handle this situation with unfailing charm. Her confessed
+comedies are by far the weakest things in the book; there is one of them
+indeed that seemed to me amazingly pointless. But with this exception I
+can commend her volume whole-heartedly, and only hope that the author
+will continue to send out goods of such excellent workmanship, "as per"
+(whatever that means) these attractive samples.
+
+Those who search for minor compensations have affected to find one in
+the idea that the actual happening of the World War has removed from us
+the old fictional scares, novels of German super-spies, and unsuspecting
+islanders taken unprepared. But to think this is to reckon without the
+ingenuity of such writers as Mr. RIDGWELL CULLUM. He, for example, has
+but to postulate that worst nightmare of all, an inconclusive peace, and
+we are back in the former terrors, blacker than ever. Suppose the Polish
+inventor of German undersea craft to have been so stricken with remorse
+at the frightful results thereof that he determines to hand all his
+secrets to the English Government, in the person of a young gentleman
+who combines the positions of Cabinet Minister, son and heir to a great
+shipbuilder, and hero of the story; suppose, moreover, that the said
+inventor was blessed with an only daughter, of radiant beauty and the
+rather conspicuous name of _Vita Vladimir_; suppose the inevitable
+romance, a secret submarine expedition to the island where Germany is
+maturing her felonious little plans, the destruction of the latest
+frightfulness, retaliation by Prussian myrmidons, abductions, murders,
+and I don't know what besides--and you will have some faint idea of the
+tumultuous episodes of _The Men Who Wrought_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL). To say
+that the story moves is vastly to understate its headlong rapidity of
+action. And, while I hardly fancy that the characters themselves will
+carry overwhelming conviction, there remains, in the theory of the
+submersible liner and application to political facts, enough genuine
+wisdom to lift the tale out of the company of six-shilling shockers. To
+this extent at least _The Men Who Wrought_ combines instruction with
+entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Inter-Arma_ (HEINEMANN) is the title that Mr. EDMUND GOSSE has given to
+his latest volume of essays, reprinted from _The Edinburgh Review_. No
+one who loves clarity of style will need assurance about the quality of
+these studies, which, with one exception, are concerned with some or
+other aspect of the world-struggle. In "War and Literature," a paper
+dated during the black days of October, 1914, the author attempts to
+realise what will be the probable literary effect of the catastrophe by
+recounting the various ways in which French writers suffered from that
+of 1870. An interesting prediction, too, as recalling what many of us
+believed at the beginning of the war, is this about the future of
+English letters: "What we must really face is the fact that this harvest
+of volumes [the autumn publishings of 1914] will mark the end of what is
+called 'current literature' for the remaining duration of the war. There
+can be no aftermath, we can aspire to no revival. The book which does
+not deal directly and crudely with the complexities of warfare and the
+various branches of strategy will, from Christmas onwards, not be
+published at all." As they stand, these words might well serve as a mild
+tonic for "current pessimism"; not even the paper famine has brought
+them to fulfilment. Elsewhere in the volume is an instructive paper on
+"The Neutrality of Sweden" (valuable but vexatious, as are all the
+indictments of our insular apathy in the matter of influencing foreign
+opinion), and two or three interesting studies of French life and
+letters under the conditions of war. In fine, a book full of scholarly
+grace, such as may well achieve the writer's hope, expressed in his
+preface, of renewing the friendship he has already made with those
+readers "whose minds have become attuned to his," though they are now
+"separated from him by leagues of sea and occupied in noble and
+unprecedented service."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The author of _The Dop Doctor_, with her expansive style, always seems
+cramped in any story of under a couple of hundred thousand words or so.
+Perhaps the best things in her new book of short stories, _Earth to
+Earth_ (HEINEMANN), concern _The Macwaugh_, a shocking bad artist with
+an immense thirst and the heftiest of Scotch accents. I don't think that
+there ever was or could be anybody like _Macwaugh_, or indeed that
+people talk or act like the majority of the characters in this book; but
+that's where, perhaps, "RICHARD DEHAN" scores a point or two off those
+realists who mistake accuracy of detail for art. This amiable drunkard,
+though absurd, lives and moves. The author is evidently attached to him,
+and that helps. She has, indeed, something of the Dickensian exuberance
+which carries off absurdities and crudities that would otherwise be
+intolerably tiresome. She even seems to get some fun out of this kind of
+thing:--"'Write,' commanded the Zanouka with a double-barrelled flash of
+her great eyes;" or, again, "It's all poppycock and bumblepuppy,"
+meaning, just, it isn't true.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you are writing or intending to write a book about boys let me beg
+you not to follow the prevailing fashion and call your hero David.
+Within the last few weeks I have read DAVID PENSTEPHEN, DAVID BLAISE,
+and now it is Miss ELEANOR PORTER'S _Just David_ (CONSTABLE) and I am
+beginning to want a rest from the name. _David III._, if he may be
+called so, has saved me from utter confusion of mind by being an
+American product and having a charm that is peculiarly his own. Cynics
+indeed may find his perfection a little cloying, and may say with some
+justification that no human child ever radiated so much joy and
+happiness. All the same, this simple tale of childhood will appeal
+irresistibly to those who do not draw too fine a distinction between
+sentiment and sentimentality. On the whole Miss PORTER, although
+hovering near the border, does not pass into the swamps of sloppiness,
+and as an antidote to War fiction I can recommend _Just David_ without
+any further qualification.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RICHARD HARDING DAVIS will, alas, entertain us no more with his
+easy-flowing pen. These short stories, _Somewhere in France_
+(DUCKWORTH), must be his farewell to us. And it is good to feel that his
+sympathies are so whole-heartedly on the right side. The first of the
+stories (the only one that has anything to do with the War) is a
+spirited yarn of the turning of the tables on a German secret service
+agent, with plenty of atmosphere and hurrying action. The rest are light
+studies of American life, of which I chiefly commend an extravaganza set
+in Hayti with a resourceful Yankee electrician, as hero, in conflict
+with the President in the matter of overdue wages; and the final item of
+a tussle between a stern and upright District Attorney and the might of
+Tammany, in which the author seems to have a rather whimsical mistrust
+of both sides. I always like to think of Tammany when our croakers are
+holding up everything in this poor little island to obloquy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The God in the Car.
+
+    "Rumania asked permission for the passage through Bulgaria of
+    several wagons of grain bought from Greece. Bulgaria agreed on
+    condition that Rumania should release over 200 wagons of
+    Bulgarian gods detained in Rumania."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "An extract of squills, which has been used by the French
+    Government in the trenches for two or three months, is to be
+    used in a Berwickshire County Council experiment to exterminate
+    rates."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+We should like to hear of something equally deadly to taxes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Miss Ruby Miller is in gorgeous green, to match her gorgeous
+    red hair."--_Sunday Pictorial._
+
+It is perhaps just as well that some people, notably engine-drivers, do
+not see things in this way.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Chauffeur (ex-coachman, to master, who has been
+influenced by economy posters)._ "A run or two now and again, Sir, would
+be good for the car. You see, if I might so express it, she's just
+eating her bonnet off."]
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, MAY 10, 1916***
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+
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