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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+April 1, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, April 1, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 12, 2007  [eBook #22989]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 146, APRIL 1, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Janet Blenkinship, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22989-h.htm or 22989-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22989/22989-h/22989-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22989/22989-h.zip)
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+      The oe-ligature is represented in this text as "[oe]".
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 146
+
+APRIL 1, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+We are sorry to hear that the PREMIER is suffering from a troublesome
+Gough.
+
+       * * *
+
+Poor Mr. ASQUITH, as though he had not already worries enough, is
+getting into trouble for sending an exclusive statement to _The Times_.
+He now stands convicted by his own party of being a _Times_-server.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Premier Magazine_ is announced for sale. Is this, we wonder, the
+Powder Magazine on which he has been sitting?
+
+       * * *
+
+At one moment it began to look as if the Admiralty, after all, was going
+to change its mind and we were to have Grand Man[oe]uvres this year--off
+the coast of Ireland.
+
+       * * *
+
+There are rumours that the Suffragettes are now preparing to blow up the
+whole of Ireland, as they find that that little country has during the
+past few days been distracting public attention from their cause.
+
+       * * *
+
+An appeal is being made for funds to enable the battlefield of Waterloo
+to be preserved. A handsome donation has, it is said, been offered by
+one of our most enterprising railway companies, the only condition made
+being that the name shall be altered to Bakerloo.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is so often asserted that a Varsity career unfits one for success in
+the bigger world that it is satisfactory to read that the PRINCE OF
+WALES'S income from the Duchy of Cornwall was £85,719 last year, as
+compared with £81,350 in the previous year.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Association of Lancastrians in London held their annual dinner last
+week. It would have been a kindly and thoughtful act on the part of
+those responsible for the dinner had they offered a seat to Mr.
+MASTERMAN, the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, who is now back in
+town.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. Justice SCRUTTON has fined a man for saying "Hear, hear," in court,
+and there is something approaching a panic among our Comic Judges lest
+some colleague on a lower plane of humour should fine somebody, for
+laughing in court.
+
+       * * *
+
+It has been said that we English take our pleasures sadly. By way of
+compensation, apparently, we take our tragedies gaily. Under the heading
+"AMUSEMENT NOTES" in _The Daily Mail_ we find the following
+announcement:--"At the Scala Theatre a new colour film is promised for
+Monday next, which is to depict in striking fashion the terrors of
+modern scientific warfare."
+
+       * * *
+
+A contemporary describes the production, _Splash Me_, which was
+presented at the Palladium last week, as "a Water Revue." The correct
+expression is surely "Naval Revue"?
+
+       * * *
+
+Messrs. WEEKES AND CO. have published a "Song of the Aeroplane," and we
+suspect that all concerned in this venture are terrified lest some
+clumsy critic shall say, "Merely to hear this song makes one want to
+fly."
+
+       * * *
+
+It is sometimes asked, Are we a musical nation? It is possible, of
+course, that we are, but last week we were informed by an advertisement
+that "the greatest song success of the season" is entitled "Popsy
+Wopsy."
+
+       * * *
+
+A Mr. SNOOKS attained his 100th birthday last week. So much for those
+who say that ridicule kills!
+
+       * * *
+
+Thetford (Norfolk) Corporation have decided to pay their mayor a salary
+of £20 in future "owing to the heavy financial drain on his pocket." We
+think it should have been removed and the cost charged to drainage
+expenses.
+
+       * * *
+
+The coat-of-arms provided for the Metropolitan Asylum Board includes a
+red cross, the golden staff of ÆSCULAPIUS, an eagle, a dragon, and red
+and white roses. It sounds a mad enough medley.
+
+       * * *
+
+Answer to a correspondent: No, _Wild Life_ is not an organ of the
+Militants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Our Futurist Pygmalion (on seeing his Galatea come to
+life)._ "OH, WHY DIDN'T I REMAIN AN IDEALIST?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT OF THE DANDIES.
+
+(_According to our daily paper, sloppy untidiness is to be the fashion
+this year._)
+
+    I've jibed at Dame Fashion for many a year,
+      Jibed bitterly rather than gaily;
+    And over the follies of feminine wear
+    I indulged in a diatribe daily;
+    But now I must sing in a different strain
+      And praise with a penitent vigour
+    The kindness by which she was moved to ordain
+      Untidiness strictly _de rigueur_.
+
+    Though man from her fetters is commonly loose
+      (For he has the pluck to withstand her),
+    I take it that what is correct for the goose
+      Will not be amiss for the gander;
+    And I have a suit that for comfort and ease
+      I'd always elect to be dressed in;
+    The trousers have dear little bags where my knees
+      Have made them a corner to nest in.
+
+    The sleeves of the coat are all frayed at the end,
+      The seams of the waistcoat have "started,"
+    But I have a weakness for elderly friends,
+      And now we need never be parted;
+    No more when I wear it shall people esteem
+      The bardlet in need of compassion;
+    They'll merely consider him rather extreme
+      In his fervent devotion to Fashion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "BOLTON W. 1, MANCHESTER C. 0.
+  BOLTON WAN. 1, MANCHES. C. 0."
+
+  _Sunderland Daily Echo._
+
+It is still a little obscure, but "B. Wanderers 1, M. City 0" would
+bring it home to everybody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SPIRIT OF ULSTER AND THE ARMY.
+
+(_An Appeal to Both Parties._)
+
+    Still dreaming of the spell of Southern nights,
+      Strange on my homing senses fall the raucous
+    Shouts of Democracy, asserting rights
+      It long ago committed to the caucus;
+    Strange--in a Chamber run for party ends,
+      Busy with private rancours, feuds, ambitions--
+    The legend that the Nation's life depends
+          Upon her politicians!
+
+    Yet two things offer cheer: in Ulster there--
+      Fanatic sentiment, you'll say, and scoff it--
+    I see a hundred thousand men who care
+      For something dearer than their stomach's profit;
+    Under the Flag they stand at silent pause,
+      True Democrats that hold by Freedom's charter,
+    Resolved and covenanted for the Cause
+          To give their lives in barter!
+
+    I see young soldiers, too, who serve the KING
+      (For half the wage a Labour Member cashes),
+    Prepared, at honour's higher call, to fling
+      Their gallant dreams away in dust and ashes!
+    I care a lot for any laws they break,
+      But more I care to see what sacrifices
+    Men still are found to face for conscience' sake,
+          Knowing how hard the price is.
+
+    Ah, Sirs, and must you for a moment's gain--
+      I look to both your camps with like appealing--
+    Must you upon these virtues put a strain
+      Irrevocably past the hope of healing?
+    Cannot some gentler means be yet embraced
+      That, when the common peril comes upon her,
+    Such qualities of heart, too rare to waste,
+          May shield our Country's honour?
+
+                                        O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EGBERT, BULL-FROG.
+
+"Speaking," said my uncle James, "of dogs, did I ever tell you about
+Egbert, my bull-frog? I class Egbert among the dogs, partly because of
+his faithfulness and intelligence, and partly because his deep bay--you
+know how those bull-frogs bark--always reminded me of a bloodhound
+surprised while on a trail of aniseed. He was my constant companion in
+Northern Assam, where I was at that time planting rubber. He finally
+died of a surfeit of hard-boiled egg, of which he was passionately fond,
+and I was as miserable as if I had lost a brother.
+
+"I think Egbert had been trying to edge into the household for some time
+before I really noticed him. Looking back, I can remember meeting him
+sometimes in the garden, and, though I did not perceive it at first,
+there was a wistful look in his eye when I passed him by without
+speaking. It was not till our burglary that I began really to understand
+his sterling worth. A couple of natives were breaking in, and would
+undoubtedly have succeeded in their designs had it not been for Egbert's
+frantic barking, which aroused the house and brought me down with a
+revolver. It is almost certain that the devoted animal had made a
+practice, night after night, of sleeping near the front-door on the
+chance of something of the sort happening. He was always suspicious of
+natives.
+
+"After that of course his position in the house was established. He
+slept every night at the foot of my bed, and very soothing it was to
+hear his deep rhythmical breathing in the darkness.
+
+"In the daytime we were inseparable. We would go for walks together, and
+I have frequently spent hours throwing sticks into the pond at the
+bottom of the garden for him to retrieve. It was this practice which
+saved his life at the greatest crisis of his career.
+
+"I happened to have strained my leg, and I was sitting in the garden,
+dozing, Egbert by my side, when I was awakened by a hoarse bark from my
+faithful companion, and, looking down, I perceived him hopping rapidly
+towards the pond, pursued by an enormous oojoobwa snake, a reptile not
+dangerous to man, being non-poisonous, but a great scourge among the
+minor fauna of Assam, owing to its habit of pouncing upon them and
+swallowing them alive. This snake is particularly addicted to
+bull-frogs, and, judging from the earnest manner in which he was making
+for the pond, Egbert was not blind to this trait in its character.
+
+"You may imagine my agony of mind. There was I, helpless. My injured leg
+made it impossible for me to pursue the snake and administer one where
+it would do most good. And meanwhile the unequal race was already
+drawing to its inevitable close. Egbert, splendid as were his other
+qualities, was not built for speed. He was dignified rather than mobile.
+
+"What could I do? Nothing beyond throwing my stick in the hope of
+stunning the oojoobwa. It was a forlorn hope, but I did it; and it saved
+Egbert's life, though not in the way I had intended. The stick missed
+the snake and fell immediately in front of Egbert. It was enough. His
+grand intellect worked with the speed of lightning. Just as the snake
+reached him, he reached the stick; and the next moment there was Egbert,
+up to his neck in the reptile's throat, but saved from complete
+absorption by the stick, which he was holding firmly in his mouth.
+
+"I have seldom seen any living thing so completely nonplussed as was the
+oojoobwa. Snakes have very little reasoning power. They cannot weigh
+cause and effect. Otherwise of course the oojoobwa would have nipped
+Egbert till he was forced to leave go of the stick. Instead of doing
+this, he regarded the stick and Egbert as being constructed all in one
+piece, and imagined that he had happened upon a new breed--of
+unswallowable frog. He ejected Egbert, and lay thinking it over, while
+Egbert, full of pluck, continued his journey to the pond.
+
+"Three times in the next two yards did the snake endeavour to swallow
+his victim, and each time he gave it up; and after the last experiment
+Egbert, evidently finding this constant semi-disappearance into the
+other's interior bad for his nervous system, conceived the idea of
+backing towards the pond instead of heading in that direction, the
+process, though slower, being less liable to sudden interruption."
+
+"Well, to make the story short, the oojoobwa followed Egbert to the very
+edge of the pond, the picture of perplexity; and when my little friend
+finally dived in he lay there with his head over the edge of the bank,
+staring into the water for quite ten minutes. Then he turned, shook his
+head despairingly, and wriggled into the bushes, still thinking hard.
+And a little while later I saw Egbert's head appear cautiously over the
+side of the pond, the stick still in his mouth. He looked round to see
+that the coast was clear, and then came hopping up to me and laid the
+stick at my feet. And, strong man as I was, I broke down and cried like
+a child."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a revue poster at Birmingham:--
+
+  "I DO LIKE YOUR EYES
+    RECORD CAST."
+
+We dislike that kind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER CLOSING HOURS.
+
+RESTAURANT PROPRIETOR. "ANOTHER OF THESE NIGHT CLUBS! THEY'LL BE THE
+RUIN OF ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR BOYS.
+
+_Nephew (at preparatory school, to departing uncle)._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE,
+UNCLE. AWF'LY GOOD OF YOU TO COME OVER--AND, I SAY, I HOPE YOU BACKED
+OUTRAM FOR THE LINCOLNSHIRE?"
+
+_Uncle._ "UNFORTUNATELY, MY BOY, I WASN'T ON IT."
+
+_Nephew._ "YOU WEREN'T? WHY, WE WERE ALL ON IT HERE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PEACE-PRESERVATION ACT.
+
+Whereas _Mr. Punch_ has observed to his deep grief and chagrin that
+political ill-feeling in Great Britain has increased, is increasing and
+ought to be diminished, be it enacted--
+
+(1) That no morning, evening or weekly paper be allowed to print
+anything on its placard save one of these three phrases: "All the
+Winners," "Tips for To-day," or "Latest Football"; providing that
+nothing in this Act shall prevent _The Daily News and Leader_ from
+substituting "Latest Free Church News" for "Tips for To-day."
+
+(2) That no newspaper be allowed to announce more than one political
+crisis per week under a penalty of £1,000 for each and every subsequent
+crisis announced.
+
+(3) That Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR be appointed grand political censor, and
+that all descriptive expressions intended to be applied by people to
+their political opponents be submitted to him, to ensure that such
+phrases are properly saponaceous.
+
+(4) That six prominent fire-brands in each Party be deported to Saint
+Helena, and that they be chosen by ballot in this wise--the Liberals
+will select the Tories, the Tories the Liberals, the O'Brienites the
+Nationalists, and the Nationalists the O'Brienites. The Labour Party,
+being specially qualified for the task, will select six of its own body
+for deportation; and nothing in this Act is to hinder Mr. WEDGWOOD from
+deporting himself if he thinks it needful.
+
+(5) And whereas many highly respectable golfers of all shades of
+political opinion have been put off their game by political happenings
+at the week-end be it ordained that a gracious political truce reign
+from Thursday midnight to Tuesday midday, and that during that time, to
+be known as the Truce of _Mr. Punch_, no political crises, resignations,
+refusals of resignations, re-resignations or snap-divisions be allowed
+on any pretext whatever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Yesterday afternoon a Cardiff prisoner who had been arrested on a
+     warrant escaped from the custody of a police officer. The man
+     bolted without the slightest warning."
+
+     _Western Daily Press._
+
+He was no gentleman. He might at least have said, "One, two, three--Go!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLDEST OF THE ARTS.
+
+     [Speaking at the annual meeting of the governing body of Swanley
+     Horticultural College, Sir JOHN COCKBURN lamented that while that
+     institution provided healthful and delightful occupation, for which
+     women were eminently fitted, it suffered from a continuous epidemic
+     of matrimony, not only among the students but even upon the staff.]
+
+    AT Swanley College down in Kent
+    The students' time is not misspent.
+    Some of the arts at any rate
+    Thrive in this Eden up-to-date;
+    And doubtless each girl-gard'ner tries
+    To win the term's Top-dressing Prize,
+    Or trains her sense of paradox
+    (While gathering "nuts" and "plums" and stocks)
+    By taking Flora's new degree--
+    "Spinster of Hearts and Husbandry."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "First he must learn to be a sailor.... Stepping in a small
+     coasting craft, he put his shoulder to the wheel, determining, as
+     many a boy has done before and since, to get to the top of the tree
+     by plodding and perseverance."
+
+     _Ashore and Afloat._
+
+We don't recommend this as a beginning, however. Very often the captain,
+who wants to steer himself, resents an additional shoulder at the
+wheel--and invites you to the top of the masthead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE BRAINY IDEAS OF OUR DRAPERS.
+
+CUSTOMER BEING CONDUCTED TO THE SPRING MILLINERY DEPARTMENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOON.
+
+[_IMPOSSIBLE PLAY SERIES._]
+
+A SUPER-PSYCHOLOGICAL DRAMA IN ONE ACT.
+
+  _Persons of the Play._
+
+  Lord Gumthorpe.
+  Lady Gastwyck.
+  Angela Thynne.
+  Stud, _a butler_.
+
+[_Author to Printer._--Oblige me by reversing your usual practice, and
+printing the text in italics and the stage directions in roman type. My
+request will, I hope, prove intelligible.]
+
+_Scene._--The drawing-room at _Lady Gastwyck's_. A large, low room with
+a mullioned window at the back through which moonlight steals. The
+decoration of the room is Adams', though of rather a self-conscious
+type, as the plan and construction of the house is obviously of an
+earlier period. The furniture is Chinese Chippendale.
+
+_Lord Gumthorpe_ is leaning against the window; _Angela Thynne_ is
+leaning against the Chesterfield, and _Lady Gastwyck_ is leaning against
+the Adams' fireplace. _Lord Gumthorpe_ is a tall, gaunt man, slightly
+resembling the portrait of PHILIP IV. of Spain, by VELASQUEZ. He turns
+towards _Lady Gastwyck_ and waves his long arms with a gesture of
+indecision. He then turns back and looks out on to the lawn. _Angela
+Thynne_, is a large, ill-proportioned woman, with curiously limpid blue
+eyes, and a shrill hard voice like a fog-siren, that does not seem to
+belong to her personality. One is always haunted with the idea that she
+might be Scotch. _Lady Gastwyck_ rises. She is a short dark woman with
+deep-set eyes and one very remarkable characteristic. She has apparently
+only one eyebrow. She really has two, but they meet together in one dark
+straight line, and give her a forbidding aspect. She has a habit of
+walking with her chin thrust forward and her long arms curved like a
+boxer's. She advances upon _Lord Gumthorpe_. He instinctively puts up
+his hands as though expecting to be struck.
+
+LADY GASTWYCK. _You think then that we--that is, that you and I----_
+
+[She waves her hand towards the moonlit lawn. It might be an action of
+dismissal, or an appeal to the elemental forces. _Lord Gumthorpe_ drops
+limply on to the window-seat and presses his forehead against the stone
+mullion. Then he stands up and gazes at her face, trying not to appear
+to be looking at her one eyebrow.
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE (with tremulous indecision). _Yes! but you see----_
+
+[As he stands there the extraordinary resemblance between him and
+VELASQUEZ' portrait of PHILIP IV. of Spain comes home to her with such
+force that she is about to qualify her half-stated implication, when
+_Angela Thynne_ drops her fan into the fireplace. She has moved to the
+seat that _Lady Gastwyck_ had vacated. She is leaning forward with lips
+parted, and her limpid blue eyes gazing at the dead embers. _Lady
+Gastwyck_ recoils as though struck by a whip. She moves to the
+Chesterfield and leans against it, biting her nails. _Lord Gumthorpe_
+moves deeper into the recess, struggling with the emotions which the
+astounding act of _Angela_ has produced. As he sits there, the
+moonlight, pouring through the diamond panes of the window, throws
+rhomboids of light on to the polished floor. It looks like some
+enchanted chessboard. Leaning back and gazing with half-closed eyes, he
+peoples it with fantastic rooks, and knights and bishops, when suddenly
+the strangely penetrating voice of _Angela_ breaks the silence.
+
+ANGELA. _Would it be possible for you two to----_
+
+[There is a terrifying silence.]
+
+_Lord Gumthorpe_ (greedily). _Pawn to Queen's pawn four!_
+
+[He says this to gain time. For the besetting irresoluteness of the
+Gumthorpes is consuming him. "If only she would----" he is thinking to
+himself, rapidly reviewing the salient features of his past life. He has
+not the courage to look at _Angela_, but his eyes wander in the
+direction of _Lady Gastwyck_. She is leaning forward on the
+Chesterfield, her chin resting on her hand, her eyebrow looking like an
+enormous black moustache. He feels his way along the wall, keeping his
+face towards _Lady Gastwyck_. He knows--he was educated at Eton and
+Christchurch--that as the fan has fallen into the fireplace, unless it
+has been removed, it will be there still. Very slowly he reaches the
+grate and, without turning his head, picks up the fan. It is a moment of
+intense emotion. The air is charged with electric suspense. _Lady
+Gastwyck_ moves suddenly, and the rustle of her skirt sounds like the
+rattle of musketry on a frosty morning. _Lord Gumthorpe_ drops the fan.
+He gropes wildly in the fireplace but cannot find it again. Then with an
+air of helpless resignation he goes back to the window-seat. He gazes at
+the chequered pattern on the floor and mentally moves his king up one.
+_Lady Gastwyck_ glances across at him, and it occurs to her that he has
+aged during the last few minutes. He no longer looks like PHILIP IV. of
+Spain, but more like the sub-manager of the White Goods Department of a
+suburban Bon-Marché. She is anxious that _Angela_ shall not observe
+this, and hence makes the following appeal.
+
+LADY GASTWYCK (hysterically and _á propos_ of no one). _A maroon
+underskirt! a maroon underskirt! That would be the thing! Fancy, Angela,
+biscuit-coloured glacé with that coffee skin of hers and those teeth!
+You must save her! Take her to Raquin! Let Raquin cut it as only he
+knows how! Let her have---- Ah!_
+
+[She bursts into tears and then stops, seeing that her effort has
+failed, for a sombre silence ensues. _Angela_ has risen and is looking
+at _Lord Gumthorpe_. _Lord Gumthorpe_ is standing with his arms folded.
+He has just lost a bishop in the dim chiaroscuro of the window-seat and
+has not heard her outbreak. Suddenly he looks up, and fixes his eyes
+upon _Lady Gastwyck_ with a new sense of resolution. He advances
+towards her, and gazing boldly at her eyebrow, that looks more than
+ever like a moustache, calls out in a thin cruel voice.
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE. _Why don't you wax the ends?_
+
+[The effect of this bizarre question is startling. _Angela_ turns and
+smiles gently like one who has done one's best at a deathbed, and is
+almost relieved that the end has come. She walks almost serenely across
+the room to the sideboard, and, taking up a piece of cheese and three
+bananas, goes off to bed. But the effect on _Lady Gastwyck_ is
+different, for directly she hears _Lord Gumthorpe_ make this remark she
+realizes that he is a weak man.
+
+There is a pond at the end of the lawn covered with green sedge. She
+shivers. She has courage, but not that sort of courage. She rises and
+leans against the Adams' fireplace. The Adams' fireplace leans against
+her. It falls on to her with a tremendous crash.... _Lord Gumthorpe_
+comes forward and gazes at the jumbled _débris_. He is conscious of a
+sense of despairing conflict--the conflict between contemplative
+amazement and some natural but well-controlled demand for concrete
+action. An appalling conviction comes to him that he ought to _do_
+something. Under the fallen mess of brick, marble, and wood there are
+feeble undulations. A phrase keeps running through his mind--"Expressing
+her primitive virility." He tries to think where he has read it, and
+what it means, and how it could apply to the present case. The
+undulations cease. He decides that the phrase could not apply to it. He
+returns to the window-seat. A new horror obsesses him. The moon has
+moved round. The chessboard has been blotted out. _In extremis_, _Lord
+Gumthorpe_ falls back on his primitive instincts and rings for the
+butler. There is an imperceptible pause. _Stud_ glides in and stands in
+the middle of the room, tears of reverence and respectability streaming
+down his cheeks.
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE. (after an interminable pause). _Your mistress has
+dropped her fan into the fireplace!_
+
+[With a little croon of pleasure, Stud falls towards the fireplace.
+Suddenly he stops, beholding the-fallen wreckage. For a fraction of a
+second the fetters of a generation of servile habits are almost broken.
+A fugitive expression of surprise passes over his face. Then,
+remembering himself, he stumbles over the _débris_ and, groping among
+the cinders, picks up the fan.
+
+STUD (with finesse). _Here is the fan, my Lord. Shall I present it to
+her Ladyship?_
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE. (with extraordinary subtlety). _No, you may keep it. Her
+Ladyship does not require it._
+
+[_Stud_ goes out with the fan. _Lord Gumthorpe_ stands irresolutely
+warming his hands at the fire. _Angela's_ father from Atlantis,
+Tennessee, is heard outside in the hall eating cantaloup. The pips
+rattle against the door. Unable to withstand this further symbol of
+inevitable doom, _Lord Gumthorpe_ throws himself on to the fire. He is
+burnt up. The fire is blotted out. Everything is blotted out.
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Irritable Plus 4 (whose opponent is standing too close
+behind him)._ "NOW THEN, SIR, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THERE?"
+
+_Mild 18._ "ONLY GETTING READY TO CLAP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of a football match by "Brigadier" in _The Daily
+Record_:--
+
+     "Cresswell sustained an injury, and took no risks, but R. M. Morton
+     would have risked going at a battalion of dragoons with bayonets
+     drawn."
+
+There must be moments in these peaceful journalistic days of his
+retirement when that grand old soldier, "Brigadier," wishes he were once
+more charging at the head of his dragoons, with a drawn bayonet in his
+hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORANGES AND LEMONS.
+
+IV.--BEFORE LUNCH.
+
+I found Myra in the hammock at the end of the loggia.
+
+"Hallo," I said.
+
+"Hallo." She looked up from her book and waved her hand. "Mentone on the
+left, Monte Carlo on the right," she said, and returned to her book
+again. Simpson had mentioned the situation so many times that it had
+become a catch-phrase with us.
+
+"Fancy reading on a lovely morning like this," I complained.
+
+"But that's why. It's a very gloomy play by IBSEN, and whenever it's
+simply more than I can bear I look up and see Mentone on the left, Monte
+Carlo on the right--I mean, I see all the loveliness round me, and then
+I know the world isn't so bad after all." She put her book down. "Are
+you alone?"
+
+I gripped her wrist suddenly and put the paper-knife to her throat.
+
+"_We_ are alone," I hissed--or whatever you do to a sentence without any
+"s's" in it to make it dramatic. "Your friends cannot save you now.
+Prepare to--er--come a walk up the hill with me."
+
+"Help! Help!" whispered Myra. She hesitated a moment; then swung herself
+out of the hammock and went in for her hat.
+
+We climbed up a steep path which led to the rock-village above us.
+Simpson had told us that we must see the village; still more earnestly
+he had begged us to see Corsica. The view of Corsica was to be obtained
+from a point some miles up--too far to go before lunch.
+
+"However, we can always say we saw it," I reassured Myra. "From this
+distance you can't be certain of recognising an island you don't know.
+Any small cloud on the horizon will do."
+
+"I know it on the map."
+
+"Yes, but it looks quite different in real life. The great thing is to
+be able to assure Simpson at lunch that the Corsican question is now
+closed. When we're a little higher up, I shall say, 'Surely that's
+Corsica?' and you'll say, 'Not _Corsica_,?" as though you'd rather
+expected the Isle of Wight; and then it'll be all over. Hallo!
+
+We had just passed the narrow archway leading into the courtyard of the
+village and were following the path up the hill. But in that moment of
+passing we had been observed. Behind us a dozen village children now
+trailed eagerly.
+
+"Oh, the dears!" cried Myra.
+
+"But I think we made a mistake to bring them," I said severely. "No one
+is prouder of our--one, two, three ... I make it eleven--our eleven
+children than I am, but there are times when Father and Mother want to
+be alone."
+
+"I'm sorry, dear. I thought you'd be so proud to have them all with
+you."
+
+"I _am_ proud of them. To reflect that all the--one, two ... I make it
+thirteen--all these thirteen are ours is very inspiring. But I don't
+like people to think that we cannot afford our youngest, our little
+Philomène, shoes and stockings. And Giuseppe should have washed his face
+since last Friday. These are small matters, but they are very trying to
+a father."
+
+"Have you any coppers?" asked Myra suddenly. "You forgot their
+pocket-money last week."
+
+"One, two, three--I cannot possibly afford--one, two, three, four----
+Myra, I do wish you'd count them definitely and tell mo how many we
+have. One likes to know. I cannot afford pocket-money for more than a
+dozen."
+
+"Ten." She took a franc from me and gave it to the biggest girl.
+(Anne-Marie, our first, and getting on so nicely with her French.)
+Rapidly she explained what was to be done with it, Anne-Marie's look of
+intense rapture slowly straightening itself to one of ordinary gratitude
+as the financial standing of the other nine in the business became
+clear. Then we waved farewell to our family and went on.
+
+High above the village, a thousand feet above the sea, we rested, and
+looked down upon the silvery olives stretching into the blue ... and
+more particularly upon one red roof which stood up amid the grey-green
+trees.
+
+"That's the Cardews' villa," I said.
+
+Myra was silent.
+
+When Myra married me she promised to love, honour and write all my
+thank-you-very-much letters for me, for we agreed before the ceremony
+that the word "obey" should mean nothing more than that. There are two
+sorts of T. Y. V. M. letters--the "Thank you very much for asking us, we
+shall be delighted to come," and the "Thank you very much for having us,
+we enjoyed it immensely." With these off my mind I could really
+concentrate on my work, or my short mashie shots, or whatever was of
+importance. But there was now a new kind of letter to write, and one
+rather outside the terms of our original understanding. A friend of mine
+had told his friends the Cardews that we were going out to the Riviera
+and would let them know when we arrived ... and we had arrived a week
+ago.
+
+"It isn't at all an easy letter to write," said Myra. "It's practically
+asking a stranger for hospitality."
+
+"Let us say 'indicating our readiness to accept it.' It sounds better."
+
+Myra smiled slowly to herself.
+
+"'Dear Mrs. Cardew,'" she said, "'we are ready for lunch when you are.
+Yours sincerely.'"
+
+"Well, that's the idea."
+
+"And then what about the others? If the Cardews are going to be nice we
+don't want to leave Dahlia and all of them out of it."
+
+I thought it over carefully for a little.
+
+"What you want to do," I said at last, "is to write a really long letter
+to Mrs. Cardew, acquainting her with all the facts. Keep nothing back
+from her. I should begin by dwelling on the personnel of our little
+company. 'My husband and I,' you should say, 'are not alone. We have
+also with us Mr. and Mrs. Archibald Mannering, a delightful couple. Mr.
+A. Mannering is something in the Territorials when he is not looking
+after his estate. His wife is a great favourite in the county. Next I
+have to introduce to you Mr. Thomas Todd, an agreeable young bachelor.
+Mr. Thos. Todd is in the Sucking-a-ruler-and-looking-out-of-the-window
+Department of the Admiralty, by whose exertions, so long as we preserve
+the 2 Todds to 1 formula--or, excluding Canadian Todds, 16 to
+10--Britannia rules the waves. Lastly, there is Mr. Samuel Simpson.
+Short of sight but warm of heart, and with (on a bad pitch) a nasty
+break from the off, Mr. S. Simpson is a _littérateur_ of some eminence
+but little circulation, combining on the cornet intense wind-power with
+no execution, and on the golf course an endless enthusiasm with only an
+occasional contact. This, dear Mrs. Cardew, is our little party. I say
+nothing of my husband.'"
+
+"Go on," smiled Myra. "You have still to explain how we invite ourselves
+to lunch."
+
+"We don't; we leave that to her. All we do is to give a list of the
+meals in which, in the ordinary course, we are wont to indulge, together
+with a few notes on our relative capacities at each. 'Perhaps,' you wind
+up, 'it is at luncheon time that as a party we show to the best
+advantage. Some day, my dear Mrs. Cardew, we must all meet at lunch. You
+will then see that I have exaggerated neither my husband's appetite, nor
+the light conversation of my brother, nor the power of apology, should
+any little _contretemps_ occur, of Mr. Samuel Simpson. Let us, I say,
+meet at lunch. Let us----'" I took out my watch suddenly.
+
+"Come on," I said, getting up and giving a hand to Myra; "we shall only
+just be in time for it."
+
+                                                         A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARTISTES' ALIASES.
+
+An interesting meeting was held at the Memorial Hall last Saturday in
+order to discuss schemes of brightening the nomenclature of British
+musicians.
+
+Sir FREDERIC COWEN, who presided, said that whereas in the last century
+it was the common practice of British singers to Italianize their
+surnames, we had now gone to the opposite extreme of an aggressive
+insularity. He thought that a compromise between the two entremes was
+feasible, by which a certain element of picturesqueness might be
+introduced into our programmes without exposing us to the charge of
+deliberately seeking to denationalise ourselves.
+
+Sir HENRY WOOD suggested that the method of the anagram or palindrome
+yielded very happy results. Nobody could be charged with running away
+from his name if he merely turned it upside down or inside out. For
+instance, Miss MURIEL FOSTER would become Miss Leirum Retsof, which had
+a pleasantly Slavonic sound, while Mr. HAMILTON HARTY would reappear in
+the impressive form of Mr. Notlimah Ytrah.
+
+Miss CARRIE TUBB protested vigorously against the proposal, on the
+ground that, if it were adopted, her name would sound just like Butt,
+which was already that of a contralto singer. (Sensation.)
+
+Madame CLARA BUTT supported the protest, pointing out that, if the
+suggestion were acted on, her name would sound just like Tubb, which was
+that of a soprano vocalist. (Great sensation.)
+
+Professor GRANVILLE BANTOCK pleaded eloquently for calling in the
+glamour of the East to illuminate the drab monotony of our Anglo-Saxon
+surnames. He was quite ready to be known in future as Bantockjee or
+Bangkok, if the sense of the meeting was in favour of the change--always
+subject, of course, to the consent of Sir OLIVER LODGE, the Principal of
+Birmingham University. (Loud cheers.)
+
+Mr. DELIUS was strongly opposed to any change of nomenclature being made
+compulsory. He was quite sure that he would not compose nearly so well
+under, _e.g._, the alias of De Lara. In any case, artists should be
+safeguarded against the appropriation of their names by others.
+
+Mr. ALGERNON ASHTON (who was greeted with soft music on muted violins)
+deprecated all unseemly pranks. Nothing would induce him to change his
+patronymic or turn it upside down or inside out.
+
+Mr. LANDON RONALD expressed sympathy with musicians who were handicapped
+by cacophonous or undignified names. For example, a singer called
+Hewlett or Ball laboured under a serious disadvantage when competing
+with artistes blessed with melodious appellations such as Bellincioni or
+Sammarco.
+
+Mr. BEN DAVIES observed that Welsh singers wore terribly hampered by the
+poverty of their nomenclature. Two out of every three bore the surname
+Davies, and at least one in three of our Welsh male soloists was
+christened Ivor. Ivor was a good name in itself, but it was becoming
+terribly hackneyed.
+
+Mr. HENRY BIRD thought that all musicians should be at liberty to assume
+names provided they were appropriate. But for a composer to call himself
+Johann Sebastian Wagner was to court disaster. He ventured to submit the
+following list for the benefit of persons who contemplated making the
+change. For a soprano: Miss Hyam Seton. For a contralto: Miss Ritchie
+Plummer. For a tenor: Mr. Uther Chesterton. For a bass: Mr. Deeping
+Downer. For a pianist: Mr. or Miss Ivory Pounds. For a banjoist: Mr.
+Plunkett Stringer.
+
+Miss PHYLLIS LETT, in a brief speech, explained that her name was
+all-British and had no connection whatever with Lithuania.
+
+Ultimately, on the proposal of Lord HOWARD DE WALDEN, seconded by Mr.
+JOSEF HOLBROOKE, a small committee was appointed, consisting of Sir
+EDWARD ELGAR, Professor BANTOCK, Madame CLARA BUTT, Mr. BEN DAVIES and
+Sir HENRY WOOD, to enquire into the different proposals, and the meeting
+dispersed to the strains of "For he might have been a Rooshan."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The audience was divided into two sections; the Smith supporters
+     cheered every blow Wye landed as a point for their man, while Wye's
+     friends were equally enthusiastic on his behalf."--_Daily Mail._
+
+With the SMITH supporters behind us, and a SMITH referee, we are
+prepared to take on CARPENTIER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:_Mother._ "WELL, DARLING, DO YOU REMEMBER _ANYTHING_ THE
+CLERGYMAN SAID?"
+
+_Barbara._ "YES, MUMMY, I HEARD HIM SAY, 'HALF-PAST-SIX'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PUNCH" IN HIS ELEMENT.
+
+(_Modelled on the Opening Chorus of "Atalanta in Calydon."_)
+
+    Once in so many calendar spaces
+      _Punch_, appearing on All Fools' Day,
+    Fills with giggles the hours and graces,
+      Causes the hares of March to stay;
+        And the soft sweet hatters along the Strand
+        Remember the dreams of Wonderland,
+    And the chessboard world and the White King's faces,
+      The hamless commons and all the hay.
+
+    Come with loud bells and belabouring of bladder,
+      Spirit of Laughter, descend on the town
+    With tumbling of paint-pails from top of the ladder
+      And blowing of tiles from the stockbroker's crown;
+        Bind on thy hosen in motley halves
+        Over the rondure and curve of thy calves;
+    The night may be mad, but the morn shall be madder--
+      Madder than moonshine and madder than brown.
+
+    What shall I say to it, how shall I pipe of it,
+      Weave it what strains of ineffable things?
+    O that my Muse were a Muse with a gripe of it,
+      Engined with petrol and wafted by wings!
+        For the sorrows and sighings of winter are done,
+        And _Punch_ is appearing on April 1,
+    And a savour of daffodils clings to the type of it,
+      And the buttered balm of a crumpet clings.
+
+    For the merle and the mavis have joined with the "shover"
+      In drowning the day and the night with their din,
+    And all too soon the unwary lover
+      Is walking about in vestures thin;
+        And the "nuts" are buying their shirts of cotton,
+        And, cast into storage cold, forgotten,
+    From delicate necks they were wont to cover,
+      'Possum by 'possum, the stoles come in.
+
+    And soon is an ending of football rushes,
+      The hold that tackles a travelling heel;
+    And the front of the town with new fire flushes,
+      The paints that follow the paints that peel;
+        And the season comes with its gauds and gold
+        When the amorous plaints once more are told,
+    And the polished hoof of her partner crushes
+      The damsel's shoes in the ballroom reel.
+
+    And _The Times_ by day and _The News_ by night,
+      Fleeter of foot than the Fleet Street kid,
+    Shall hurry in motor-cars left and right
+      Saying what Kent and Yorkshire did;
+        And, stout as pillars of marble set,
+        The copper shall capture the suffragette,
+    And screen from peril and heave from sight
+      The maid pursuing, the Minister hid.
+
+    The P.C. comes with his mænad haul,
+      Her hatbrim tilted across her eyes;
+    The cricketer dips to the flying ball,
+      His white pants billowing round his thighs;
+        But thou, _Charivari_, week by week
+        Remaining (I take it) quite unique,
+    Shalt shake with laughter and pink them all
+        With points that puncture the vogue that flies.
+
+                                             EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THERE'S MANY A SLIP ..."]
+
+[Illustration: AT THE DRESS REHEARSAL OF THE NEW COMIC OPERA,
+"RESIGNATION" (AS PLAYED TWICE WEEKLY.)
+
+_Seelius._ "I am undone!" [_Thrusts sword beneath armpit and expires._
+
+_Actor-Manager._ "Capital! But try, if possible, to make it just a
+_leetle_ more convincing."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 23._--In arrangement for business of
+week to-day set apart for discussion of Naval Estimates. That meant a
+problematically useful, indubitably dull debate. As has been remarked
+before, it is the unexpected that happens in House of Commons. Since it
+adjourned on Friday portentous news came from Ireland, indicating
+something like revolt among officers of the Army stationed there for
+avowed purpose of backing up civil force in preservation of peace and
+order. Wholesale resignations reported.
+
+The very existence of the Army seemed at stake. Had mere business, such
+as the voting of over £50,000,000 for upkeep of Navy, been to the fore,
+benches would have been half empty. As it was, they were thronged. Over
+the crowded assembly hurtled that indescribable buzz of excitement that
+presages eventful action. The PREMIER and LEADER OF OPPOSITION appearing
+on the scene were severally greeted with strident cheers from their
+followers. PRINCE ARTHUR, the Dropped Pilot, at urgent entreaty
+returning to the old ship in time of emergency, enjoyed unique
+distinction of being cheered by both sides. Demonstration more eloquent
+than ordered speech.
+
+Questions over, SEELY read studiously prosaic statement of events
+leading up to resignations on the Curragh. Someone had blundered, or, as
+the SECRETARY FOR WAR, anxious above all things to avoid irritation,
+preferred to put it, "there had been a misunderstanding." All over now.
+Explanations forthcoming had smoothed out difficulty. Resignations
+tendered had been withdrawn. Familiar military command "As you were"
+obeyed.
+
+That all very well. Opposition, upon whom crowning mercy had fallen from
+beneficent heavens, naturally indisposed to treat unexpected boon in
+niggardly spirit. BONNER LAW insisted on business being set aside and
+opportunity provided for rubbing in the salt. Lively debate followed.
+Speeches delivered with difficulty through running stream of
+interruption. BYLES OF BRADFORD began it. Breaking in upon BONNER LAW'S
+speech with pointed question he was greeted with savage shout of "Sit
+down" that would have made the rafters ring, supposing there were any.
+Under existing circumstances the glass ceiling looked down
+compassionately, whilst BYLES, after remaining on his legs for what
+seemed a full minute, resumed his seat.
+
+Amid uproar that raged during succeeding four hours, SPEAKER, preserving
+a superb equanimity, rode upon the whirlwind and directed the storm.
+Whilst PREMIER was trying to make himself heard, HELMSLEY constantly
+interrupted. SPEAKER made earnest appeal to Members to listen in
+patience.
+
+"There will," he said, "be plenty of time afterwards for anyone to ask
+any question or to reply to any point."
+
+WINTERTON, ever ready to volunteer in the interests of order, asked
+whether JOHN WARD, seated opposite, had not sinned in same manner as
+HELMSLEY.
+
+"That is no reason why the noble lord should imitate him."
+
+"What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander," retorted
+WINTERTON. Left House in doubt which was which.
+
+Later SPEAKER dropped down on PAGE CROFT.
+
+"The hon. member," he said, "is not entitled to interrupt because some
+argument suddenly strikes him."
+
+House laughed at this piquant way of putting it. SARK recalls curious
+fact. 321 years ago the same dictum was framed in almost identical
+phrase. Essential difference was that it was the Speaker of the day who
+was rebuked. He was EDWARD COKE, whose connection with one LYTTELTON is
+not unfamiliar in Courts of Law. Appearing at bar of House of Lords at
+opening of eighth Parliament of ELIZABETH, which met 19th February,
+1593, SPEAKER submitted the petition, forthcoming to this day on opening
+of a new Parliament, asking for privilege of speech.
+
+"Privilege of speech is granted," said the LORD KEEPER on behalf of the
+QUEEN. "But you must know what privilege you have. _Not to speak
+everyone what he listeth, or what cometh into his brain to titter._"
+
+Eight o'clock struck before turmoil ceased and House got into Committee
+on Navy Estimates. In a twinkling over £15,000,000 sterling voted. That
+nothing to what straightway followed. Getting into Committee on Ways and
+Means, House voted some £68,000,000 on account of the services of the
+year.
+
+After this, House was counted out. In imitation of proverbial character
+of current month, having come in as a lion it went out like a lamb.
+
+_Business done._--Tumultuous debate on Ulster side-issue. Huge sums
+voted in Committee of Supply.
+
+_Tuesday._--Renewal of yesterday's excitement round action of certain
+officers of the Army in Ireland. SEELY promised to circulate in the
+morning all papers relating thereto. To members of county councils,
+parish councils, and the like obscure consultative bodies, it would seem
+reasonable to wait opportunity for studying papers before debating their
+contents. We have a better way at Westminster. Business set down was the
+Army Vote. SEELY explained that for financial reasons it was absolutely
+necessary money should be voted. Necessity admitted, this was done. But
+not till four hours had been occupied in inflaming talk. As for the vote
+for many millions, no time was left to talk about it. Accordingly agreed
+to without comment or criticism.
+
+AMERY struck note of Opposition criticism on Curragh affair by
+describing "how meanly the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR sneaked out of the
+position into which he so proudly strutted a few days ago." More of same
+genial kind of talk from benches near. But as debate went forward
+Members evidently became possessed of growing sense of gravity of
+situation.
+
+It was the Labour Members who effected the change. For first time in
+life of present Parliament they with united front took the lead at a
+grave national crisis, representing without bluster the vastness of the
+social and political force behind them. JOHN WARD in weighty speech
+brought down the real question from nights of personal animosity and
+party rancour. It was "whether the discipline of the Army is to be
+maintained; whether it is to continue to be a neutral force to assist
+the civil power; or whether in future the House of Commons, representing
+the people, is to submit its decisions for approval to a military
+junta.".
+
+Warned party opposite that, the latter principle adopted, there will be
+no picking and choosing. The private soldier has his conscience as well
+as the commissioned officer. In cases of industrial dispute Tommy Atkins
+would find in speeches made to-day by noble Lords and hon. Members
+justification for refusal to shoot down members of his own class with
+whose position he had conscientious sympathy.
+
+J. H. THOMAS, Organising Secretary of Amalgamated Society of Railway
+Servants, put this in briefer phrasing when he said, "General GOUGH may
+feel keenly the Ulster situation. Tommy Atkins will feel not less keenly
+the industrial situation." House listened in significant silence to
+illustration pointing the moral. In November next four hundred thousand
+railway men will come to grips with their employers. If they do not
+obtain satisfactory terms they may simultaneously strike.
+
+"If," their Secretary added, "the doctrine laid down by the Opposition
+in respect to Ulster is sound it will be my duty to tell the railwaymen
+to prepare for the worst by organizing their forces, the half million
+capital possessed by the union to be used to provide arms and ammunition
+for them."
+
+_Business done._--Ominous debate arising on Ulster question. Army Votes
+rushed through without discussion.
+
+_Wednesday._--Sudden dramatic change in strained situation. Turned out
+that SEELY'S guarantee to General GOUGH, accepted as satisfactory and
+followed by withdrawal of that officer's resignation, had not been fully
+brought to knowledge of the Cabinet. Learning of its concluding
+paragraphs only when yesterday he read type-written, copy of White Paper
+published this morning, PREMIER sent for SECRETARY FOR WAR and
+repudiated them. SEELY, acknowledging his error, tendered his
+resignation. PREMIER declined to accept it. In view of all the
+circumstances he "thought it would be not only ungenerous but unjust to
+take such action."
+
+This strange story, told in two chapters, the first contributed by WAR
+SECRETARY, the second by the PREMIER, listened to with strained
+attention by crowded House. There followed debate whose stormy course
+occasionally rose to heights exceeding those scaled on two preceding
+days.
+
+Only once was there manifestation of general hearty assent. Forthcoming
+when the PREMIER warmly protested against "unfair and inconsiderate
+attempts, not made on one side only, to drag into the discussion the
+name of the KING."
+
+"His Majesty," he added, amid burst of general cheering, "has from first
+to last observed every rule that comports with the dignity of the
+position of a constitutional sovereign."
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading of Consolidated Fund Bill, on which
+debate arose, carried by 314 against 222. Majority, 92.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUGGESTED DESIGN FOR CAR WHICH, BY A SIMPLE ARRANGEMENT
+OP MIRRORS, ENABLES THE SUPER-NUT TO DRIVE IN THE SPECIAL SUPER-NUTTY
+POSITION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRUEL KINDNESS.
+
+There was once a schoolboy who was caught fishing in forbidden waters.
+He knew that the penalty was a switching (old style), and his
+contemporaries were pleased to remind him of the fact. Five o'clock was
+the hour fixed for the interview. The boy was small for his age, but
+brainy. All day he studied how he might save his skin and disappoint his
+friends, and at 4.30 he repaired stealthily to his dormitory to make his
+plans. They consisted of a sheet of brown paper--all that remained,
+alas, of a home-made cake--two copies of _The Scout_ and a chest
+protector, which had been included in his outfit by a solicitious
+parent. By means of the fatal fishing line he attached the combined
+padding to his person, then, stiffly resuming his garments, knocked at
+the dread portal as the clock struck.
+
+The Head glanced down over his spectacles. The boy stood strangely
+erect, and his face was brave though pale. A cane lay on the table. The
+master's eye was sterner than his heart. His hand reached for the cane,
+but he replaced it in a drawer, and for twenty minutes the listeners in
+the corridor vainly pricked their ears for the accustomed sounds.
+
+"Well?" they inquired anxiously when the victim reappeared.
+
+"He only jawed me," replied the small boy; and he wept.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An "agony" in _The Daily Graphic_:
+
+     "Maud darling, did you see my last massage?... Ada."
+
+No, ADA, but she heard about it. Stick to it and you'll soon be down to
+twelve-stone-five again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "In the Italian Chamber, on the 12th instant, there was only a
+     majority of Bill. It is believed that the Giolitti Cabinet is
+     tottering.--_Ostasiatischer Lloyd._"
+
+     _North China Herald._
+
+Gulielmo's casting vote cannot save them every time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "On his motor-trip he never met any cat travelling either without
+     lights after dusk or on the wrong side of the road."
+
+     _Ceylon Observer._
+
+Our dogs may well learn a lesson from this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The bride carried a large bouquet of Harum lilies."--_South
+     Staffordshire Times._
+
+This sort has two stalks, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "WHY HAVE YOU PUT TWO HOT-WATER BOTTLES IN MY
+BED, BRIDGET?"
+
+_Bridget._ "SURE, MEM, WAN OF THIM WAS LEAKING, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH,
+SO I PUT BOTH IN TO MAKE SURE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ODD MAN.
+
+    Jones is a man who is too topsy-turvy;
+      Nothing is quite as it should be with Jones,
+    Angular just where he ought to be curvy,
+      Padded with flesh where he ought to have bones.
+
+    Jones is a freak who attends to the labours,
+      Small and domestic, that make up the home:
+    Pays all the calls and leaves cards on the neighbours,
+      Leaving his wife to be lazy at home.
+
+    Does up her dresses without saying, "Blow it";
+      Pays and forgets to say "Bother" or "Biff";
+    Asks her to scatter the money and go it,
+      Beams at her bills when the totals are stiff.
+
+    As for his daughters, he gives them their chances,
+      Rushes them round to reception and fête;
+    Takes them himself to their concerts and dances;
+      Always looks pleased when they want to stay late.
+
+    Then he has meals which would make you grow thinner,
+      Often absorbing with infinite glee
+    Sponge-cakes at breakfast and crumpets at dinner,
+      Whitstable oysters at five o'clock tea.
+
+    Next he loves laughter: that is, to be laughed at--
+      Every way's right for the man to be rubbed;
+    Grins when he's sneered at and jeered at and chaffed at;
+      Wriggles with pleasure whenever he's snubbed.
+
+    Fiction, in short, in a million disguises
+      Never created a crankier clod,
+    More unaccountably made of surprises,
+      More topsy-turvily fashioned and odd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CARPET SALES.
+
+(_In accordance with the current announcements of the leading West-End
+houses, and with no reference to Anglo-Russian diplomacy._)
+
+    Carpets of Persia fashioned on Orient looms--
+      Webs which the craftsman's hand with a patient cunning
+        Wrought through the perfect marriage of warp and woof--
+    Such as were laid, I imagine, in Bahram's rooms
+      Where (since their removal) the lion and lizard lie sunning,
+        And the ass, according to OMAR, stamps his hoof--
+    Are selling off cheap, it is stated, for money down:
+    _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_
+
+    Carpets of Persia! (None of your home-made stuffs!)
+      After long years on the loom and infinite labour,
+        Piled in bales on piratical Arab dhows
+    At Bunder Abbas, and brought by a crew of roughs
+      (Each looking more of a cut-throat rip than his neighbour)
+        Down Ormuz Strait through a series of storms and rows--
+    Surely they ought to be bargains in London Town?
+    _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_
+
+    Carpets of Persia! Though not, perhaps, one of the best,
+      Like those which adorn the Victoria and Albert Museum,
+        Yet, since you assert that you're selling authentic antiques,
+    I'd like to have one which the foot of a Caliph has pressed,
+      Or one where the wives of a Wazir (I fancy I see 'em)
+        Were wont to recline, curled up in their shimmering breeks,
+    Or one whereon foreheads were rubbed before mighty HAROUN--
+    _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A POLITICAL CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+     SIR,--It has been brought to my notice that at a meeting you
+     addressed recently in your constituency you referred to me, and in
+     the course of your remarks you said that I had employed in the
+     House of Commons the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical
+     hireling." May I ask you for your authority for this statement? I
+     can only hope that your reply will avoid any ambiguity, and for
+     your further enlightenment I may inform you that I am annoyed.
+
+     I am sure I am acting as you would wish me to do in sending a copy
+     of this letter to the Press.
+
+                                 Yours faithfully,
+                               N. Y. Z THOMSON-THOMSON.
+
+       A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
+
+
+     SIR,--How like you to read an inaccurate report of my speech! The
+     words I used--you will find them reported in _The Wastepaper
+     Gazette_ for that week--were as follows: "We must then take these
+     statements of Mr. Thomson-Thomson to be nothing but the blustering
+     artifice of _a_ rhetorical hireling." You will, I am sure,
+     appreciate the difference between the two versions. If you do not,
+     I may add that I am prepared to endorse the opinion expressed in
+     the accurate version and to raise the question in the House of
+     Commons at an early opportunity.
+
+     I am sending a copy, of this letter to the Press, as your reply
+     will doubtless be irrelevant.
+
+                                 Yours faithfully,
+                               A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
+
+       N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
+
+
+     SIR,--I have perused several reports of your speech, and with one
+     exception they all agree that the word "the" was used and not the
+     word "a." _The Wastepaper Gazette_, with which I think you are
+     identified, is the only one which has printed your version of the
+     speech, and I must therefore decline to accept your statement. Of
+     course had the indefinite article been used it would have destroyed
+     any ground for complaint. As you are attempting to evade the
+     serious issue between us I can only conclude that your methods
+     indicate the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical hireling."
+     Unless I hear from you to the contrary I shall always maintain this
+     view.
+
+     I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.
+
+                                      Yours truly,
+                                 N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.
+
+       A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
+
+
+     SIR,--My Secretary was much pained at your last letter. He has
+     informed me of its contents. I can only say that I am surprised
+     that a statesman of your undoubted ability should exhibit such
+     peculiar controversial methods.
+
+     The circumstances are not new. In 1911, in the House of Commons, I
+     find that I formulated the same opinion of you in substantially the
+     same words, yet no objection was then raised by you nor could any
+     objection have been so raised.
+
+     Since your election your attitude on every question has been
+     deplorable, and although I am of the opposite party I may say that
+     in this view I am in no sense actuated by party feeling. This is a
+     matter too serious for the bitterness of partisanship.
+
+     I repeat that in my opinion you have frequently employed the
+     blustering artifice of a rhetorical hireling.
+
+     Unless I hear from you within half-an-hour I shall send a copy of
+     this letter to the Press.
+
+                            Yours faithfully,
+                         A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
+
+     P.S.--Could you oblige me by letting me know who was the originator
+     of the phrase?
+
+       N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
+
+     SIR,--You have totally failed to substantiate the serious charges
+     you made against me, and I am sorry, for the sweetness of political
+     life, that you have not had the courage or the fairness to withdraw
+     them.
+
+     I am glad that we have been able to conduct this correspondence on
+     the courteous lines which have ever characterised our public
+     careers.
+
+     I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.
+
+                            Yours faithfully,
+                        N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.
+
+     P.S.--I do not know who was the author of the phrase. But I knew
+     _you_ couldn't be.
+
+       A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
+
+     SIR,--I have nothing to add to my last letter.
+
+                                 Yours truly,
+                           A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
+
+     P.S.--I purpose sending a copy of this letter to the Press.
+
+       N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some idea of last week's Parliamentary crisis may be gathered from the
+following poster:--
+
+          -------------
+          |  CABINET  |
+          | SENDS FOR |
+          |  FRENCH   |
+          -------------
+
+Our neighbours across the water were too busy with their own troubles to
+respond. Much better have sent for Germans. Their arrival might have
+pulled us together.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOP.
+
+(_Spring Thoughts by One In Trade._)
+
+    When the new Spring is drawing near
+      There always rises in my blood
+    A keen desire to see the year
+        Fresh opening in the bud.
+
+    From my tame task to wander free;
+      For one brief day to get me gone
+    To some sweet rural spot, and see
+        How things are getting on.
+
+    So, when a rising glass invites,
+      Off by the ready train I fare;
+    How sweet are all the country sights,
+        How fresh the country air!
+
+    Here every prospect has its charm;
+      On every side I find a spell;
+    There is a pleasure in a farm,
+        And (almost) in the smell.
+
+    'Tis sweet to see the pretty lambs,
+      To mark them as they frisk and jump,
+    Or nestle round their anxious dams,
+        So placid and so plump.
+
+    I hear the lark's ecstatic gush
+      From his clear ambush in the sky;
+    A blackbird (if it's not a thrush)
+        Sings from a wood hard by.
+
+    I climb towards an open lea
+      Whereon the goodly cattle browse,
+    And oh, it does me good to see
+        Such oxen and such cows.
+
+    And here and there an early calf
+      Staggers about with weakling frame;
+    It is a sight that makes me laugh;
+        I feel so glad I came.
+
+    The orchard with its early pink
+      (Cherry, I'm told) adorns the scene;
+    While the horse-chestnut (as I think)
+        Is well-nigh turning green.
+
+    So through the day I roam apart,
+      And bless the happy dawn of Spring,
+    Which thrills a butcher's homely heart
+        With such sweet visiting.
+
+    But soon the light begins to fade,
+      And I must quit these rural joys
+    To labour at my daily trade
+        Mid London's dust and noise.
+
+    Back to the buses and the trams,
+      To think on Spring's recurring boon,
+    Especially the calves and lambs:
+        They will be ready soon.
+
+                           DUM-DUM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Carpentier was getting to be a sorry sight at the finish. There
+     was hardly anything to indicate that Jeannette had been in a
+     15-round glove-fight."--_Times._
+
+     "All this Carpentier stood well, and quick as lightning at long
+     range cut the mulatto's face to bits."--_Morning Post._
+
+We think our contemporaries are carrying their rivalry with each other
+too far.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CRAZE FOR SALARIED OFFICIALS-SOME SUGGESTIONS.
+
+1 WHY NOT HAVE _CONTROLLERS OF CONVIVIALITY_ TO CHECK OVER-INDULGENCE IN
+EATING.
+
+2 AND DRINKING?
+
+3 OR _WARDENS OF REPUTATIONS_ TO SUPPRESS SCANDAL
+
+4 AND TITTLE-TATTLE?
+
+5 OR _CENSORS OF PHRASEOLOGY_ TO RESTRAIN BAD LANGUAGE?
+
+6 BUT BEST OF ALL, MAKE _EVERYBODY_ AN _INSPECTOR OF OFFICIALS_, SO THAT
+THE GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC CAN GET A LITTLE OF ITS OWN BACK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COUNTRY LIFE EXHIBITION.
+
+INTERESTING PROGRAMME.
+
+Arrangements have now been completed for holding at the Piscicultural
+Hall, Kensington, an exhibition, the aim of which is to impart
+instruction in the art of living in the country. Such assistance is of
+the highest value, since many persons otherwise capable enough are
+unable to manage rural ways at once or deal with even such ordinary
+difficulties as neighbours' visits, invitations to garden parties,
+dinners, &c., political confessions, the retention of servants, the
+lighting system, the Vicar's calls, and so forth.
+
+HOW TO KEEP SERVANTS.
+
+On this most difficult problem lectures will be given by a practised
+chatelaine. Various different makes of gramophones will be on view, with
+a list of tunes most acceptable to the servants'-hall. The maximum
+possible distance of the house from the nearest picture palace has been
+worked out from illuminating statistics. Useful hints about followers
+may also be gathered here.
+
+CHURCH.
+
+Not every one in the country goes to church, but none can escape
+acquaintance with the Vicar. Hints as to how to deal with him are freely
+offered, and a variety of excuses for non-attendance have been drawn,
+ranging from a headache to Quakerism. Also what to say when the Vicar
+meets you on Sunday morning with your clubs. A list of minimum
+subscriptions to all conceivable charities is on sale.
+
+LIGHTING.
+
+For country householders who are at present burning oil, but think they
+would like an illuminant made of petrol or acetylene, a lecture will be
+given by an expert, who will examine all the myriad plants on the market
+and offer his opinion as to the least unsatisfactory. Diagrams of
+gardeners' burns and other injuries in a failure to master the
+intricacies of the engine are a popular feature. Also phonograph records
+of what certain gardeners have said, in various dialects, when told to
+tackle the new light.
+
+COUNTRY INN SECTION.
+
+Everything necessary to the successful management of a country inn is on
+view here. Among the exhibits are a cup of coffee as prepared from
+coffee and a cup of coffee as served in a typical inn. By studying the
+two the inn-keeper may learn what is expected of him, and how to avoid
+the mistake of serving coffee in which any flavour of coffee persists.
+
+POLITICS.
+
+Here the settler in the country is on very delicate ground and in need
+of all his tact. As the exhibition lecturer will point out, he must,
+before avowing his own political creed, ascertain that of his
+landlord--particularly so if he has only a yearly tenancy. The chances
+are that the landlord is a Conservative. If the tenant is Conservative
+too, all is well; if the contrary--but we had better leave the details
+to the lecturer.
+
+NAMES OF FLOWERS.
+
+A well-known horticulturist has invented a system by which the names of
+flowers can be taught in the shortest possible time, especially as the
+flowers have been carefully selected to exclude all but the fashionable.
+After only two lessons the pupil is in a position to lead a visitor
+through the garden and casually and accurately enumerate every
+delphinium and climbing rose in it. Suitable adjectives to apply to
+flowers are also provided.
+
+DOGS.
+
+Models of the two chief different types of country house--those which
+the dogs may enter as they will, and those from which the dogs are
+excluded--are on view.
+
+WHERE TO LIVE.
+
+A lecturer who knows every inch of the country within a forty-mile
+radius of London will discourse at intervals on the respective merits of
+each popular district. A list of the principal residents in each will be
+available, together with a computation of the chances of a newcomer
+being called on by any ladies with a title. In order to make this
+department really efficient the intending new resident must of course
+give true particulars as to his or her social history. Districts where
+new residents who have been in trade, always excepting wine and the
+motor industry, are not called on, are carefully marked on a special
+Social map.
+
+TAXIS.
+
+A map of England, coloured to show where the tariff is 8_d._ a mile,
+9_d._ a mile, 10_d._ a mile, and 1_s._ a mile, has been prepared.
+
+RAILWAYS.
+
+A careful examination of the railways out of London has been made, with
+full particulars as to the speed of their trains, punctuality,
+cleanliness, warmth, week-end tickets and so forth. Also hints for doing
+the company by old hands. Also character sketches of the station-masters
+at all likely stations.
+
+AEROPLANES.
+
+In order that accidents due to falling airmen may be guarded against, a
+map has been designed for sale in the hall, showing those parts of the
+country over which flights are most common.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD CHINA.
+
+    Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo,
+    Let her do just what she wanted to do;
+    Made her processions with peacocky banners
+    In the most regal and lavish of manners.
+
+    Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo,
+    Was a magician who lived at Foo-choo.
+    Now if you possess a magician of cunning
+    Nothing you want should be out of the running.
+
+    Little Wun-lee had all sorts of things--
+    Fly-away carpets and vanishing-rings,
+    Djinn as her footmen, and gem-spraying fountains,
+    And lovely snow-leopards from ghost-haunted mountains.
+
+    Little Wun-lee, combing her hair,
+    Saw a blue butterfly float through the air--
+    Saw a blue butterfly flicker and settle
+    On an azalea's rosy pink petal.
+
+    Little Wun-lee said: "By the MINGS,
+    _That_ for your fly-away carpets and rings!
+    Peacocks and palanquins? Powers and dominions?
+    I'll have a pair of blue butterfly's pinions!"
+
+    "Little Wun-lee," answered Nang Poo,
+    "That's the one trick no magician can do;
+    Never did wizard of land, air or water
+    Magic blue wings on a little white daughter."
+
+    Little Wun-lee, dainty and dear,
+    Cried for a day and a week and a year--
+    Cried till she died of a Thwarted Ambition,
+    And nobody cared but Nang-Poo, the magician.
+
+    Little Wun-lee, little Wun-lee,
+    He buried her 'neath the azalea tree;
+    And the burnished blue butterflies flicker and hover,
+    And the rosy pink petals fall lightly above her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Bloodthirsty Critic.
+
+_The Nation_ on _Saint Augustin_, by LOUIS BERTRAND:
+
+     "The student of Church history will do well to take Dr. Bertrand's
+     Life."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Sportsman (on the way home after dinner)._ "HI!
+LOOK OUT WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"
+
+_Second Sportsman._ "LOOK OUT YOURSELF! YOU'RE DRIVING, AREN'T YOU?"
+
+_First Sportsman._ "NO, I THOUGHT YOU WERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I doubt if Messrs. ASQUITH, CHURCHILL, EDMOND, LLOYD GEORGE, or even
+Colonel SEELY have leisure these days for novel-reading, and, if they
+have, they might be reluctant to devote it to _The Ulsterman_
+(HUTCHINSON). It does not treat of their favourite subject and, so far
+from offering any solution of extant difficulties, adds yet another
+complication to the Home Rule question. Everything from revenue to
+religion having been discussed, no one but Mr. F. FRANKFORT MOORE has
+thought to deal with the love interest. What is to be done, the tale
+suggests, for the young lovers in the North whose families are loyal to
+different sovereigns? _Ned_ was the son of a stalwart, if somewhat
+snobbish, adherent of His Majesty KING GEORGE THE FIFTH; _Kate_ was the
+daughter of a would-be subject of the Divine DEVLIN, and things could
+never have gone well with them had it not been for the intervention of
+_Ned's_ uncle, who had been so long out of Ireland that he had ceased to
+cherish any keen feelings in the dispute, and had been so used by his
+brother in the past that he was only too glad of the opportunity of
+spiting him by getting his son married to a Papist. But there are other
+cases, where no such facilities are at hand, and, if Mr. MOORE'S picture
+is a true one, it must go hard with such couples. What is to be done for
+them? Are they to be told to wait six years and see? I hope not, for
+whatever they might see in the period could have no interest for them?
+This matrimonial difficulty is one, at any rate, which, as all must
+agree, even that reputed panacea, the General Election, cannot be
+expected to cure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I think I never met a book more "racily" written--in a special sense of
+the word--than _The Progress of Prudence_ (MILLS AND BOON). Horses and
+hounds play so large a part therein as almost to be the protagonists;
+certainly they are the chief influencing forces in the development of
+the heroine, from the day when she attempts to purchase one of the pack,
+under the impression that they are being exhibited for sale, to that
+other day, some time later, when her own entry finishes second in the
+Grand National. You will notice that _Prudence_ had progressed
+considerably during the interval. Her early ignorance was due to the
+fact that she had only just developed from a slum factory-girl into a
+landed proprietress. The father of _Prudence_ had been a miser; and,
+when he died in the attic where he and the girl had miserably lived, he
+left her a fortune, and instructions to spend it on real estate. So Mr.
+W. F. HEWER starts us on a pretty problem--how, in these circumstances,
+will _Prudence_ get on? Of course, she gets on excellently; and
+soon is as keen a rider to hounds and a judge of horseflesh as any
+in a neighbourhood where those accomplishments are held in high
+esteem. Equally of course there are men, nay lords, who fall under
+the spell of her attraction; but when I tell you that the
+groom-and-general-horse-master, whom _Prudence_ engaged, and under whose
+tuition she so prospered, was a gentleman who had seen better days, you
+will probably have already guessed the end of the tale. This is reached
+after some scenes of pleasant humour and sentiment, and after I don't
+know how many runs with hounds, given with a minuteness of detail that
+shows Mr. HEWER to be a practised master of his subject. The same remark
+applies to the various meetings at which _Prudence_ (surely a little
+oddly named?) sees her colours carried to victory. Altogether a
+stablesque romance that should appeal irresistibly to its own public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Mailing of Blaise_ is Mr. A. S. TURBERVILLE'S first novel, and it
+is easy to understand why Messrs. SIDGWICK AND JACKSON have drawn
+attention to this fact. For the work reveals a great ignorance of, or a
+supreme contempt for, the art of construction, and its theme is very
+hackneyed; but at the same time Mr. TURBERVILLE observes so keenly that
+I groan in the spirit when I think of so much labour misspent on a
+subject unworthy of his talent. Here we have a boy with the artistic
+temperament born into the house of one _Brown_, a Cheapside tailor with
+puritanical prejudices and the mind of a sparrow. He and his rather
+futile wife were enough to make anyone rebellious; but too much irony is
+spent upon them, and it would have been less difficult to sympathise
+with _Philip_ if his parents' point of view had been more fairly stated.
+After many domestic frictions the son rushes away from London and lives
+a Bohemian life (extremely well described) on the Continent, until he
+marries a delightful and penniless wife. All the marks for charm go to
+_Athénée_, unless a few of them can be spared for their child, _Blaise_,
+who had, or so it seems to me, great trouble in thrusting his way upon
+the scenes. _Philip_ and _Athénée_ were going to do great things for
+their son, but unfortunately both of them were killed while he was still
+a little child, and he had to be retrieved to the bosom of the _Brown_
+family. The change from freedom to rigorous conventionality did not suit
+poor _Blaise_, and I could not be very sorry when he annoyed most of the
+_Browns_ by catching measles and petrified all of them by not
+recovering. Still, he lived long enough to get his name into the title,
+though this, I feel, was a bit of favouritism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Way Home_, by BASIL KING (METHUEN), describes the spiritual
+wanderings of a New Yorker, _Charlie Grace_, destined for the ministry;
+rejecting it, because of his disillusionment through the practice of the
+professing Christians about him, in favour of a hunt for the money which
+alone he finds can earn respect; adopting in business the inverted
+Christian motto, "Down the other fellow before he downs you"; drifting
+in and out of loves clean and sordid; and finally, broken in health,
+discovering the way, through the bitterness of a deeper disillusionment,
+back to an estranged wife; and yet another way to somewhere near the
+faith of his childhood and the peace of resignation. Barely is so
+serious a theme treated by a novelist with such simplicity, sincerity
+and eloquent reticence. Nobody need fear the dulness known as "pi-jaw."
+The story is full of interest. The characterisation, extraordinarily
+careful and balanced, is conveyed not only in description but in the
+cleverly-constructed dialogue. It is part of the author's skill to
+represent _Hilda_, _Charlie's_ wife, with her charming reserve and
+dignity, as not a little difficult and exacting, and so to divide our
+sympathies fairly between the two. There are many other living
+characters, of which old _Remnant_, the sexton, with his queerly
+American business notions of religion and dislike of the "riff-raff," is
+too nicely absurd and human not to have been drawn from life. There is
+very good stuff indeed in this book, which seems to me in every way an
+advance upon _The Street Called Straight_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is all a matter of taste. If you like that sort of book you will like
+_The Great Attempt_ (MURRAY), for Mr. FREDERICK ARTHUR'S story is quite
+good of its kind. But what sort of a book is it? Well, on page 31 one
+character says to another character, "Now listen. Thou knowest that
+there is some mystery regarding the heir to the estate. He is said to be
+in hiding abroad. The truth is that they have cheated him out of his
+inheritance and he can't do anything until he finds his papers." And yet
+it is not entirely that sort of book, for Mr. ARTHUR is evidently a
+thoughtful student of history, and he has drawn quite a vivid picture of
+the events leading up to the battle of Culloden. His sympathies are on
+the side of the PRETENDER and his cause, and he can see nothing to
+approve of in the ranks of the Hanoverians. I am content to take his
+word for the rights and wrongs of the case. The whole matter leaves me a
+little cold. I have no actual grievance against the OLD PRETENDER,
+though BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE is one of my pet aversions; but I consider
+that enough fiction has been written about him already. In the matter of
+subjects for novels I should like to institute an _Index Expurgatorius_.
+It would contain the two PRETENDERS, the French Revolution, the American
+Civil War, NAPOLEON, and most of the other well-worn names and events of
+history, and would remove a powerful temptation from the path of the
+young author. Missing heirs in search of papers I do not so much mind.
+Indeed, I am on the whole fond of missing heirs. But missing heirs with
+an historical background make me tired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR CURIO CRANKS.
+
+_Enthusiast (to diner who has just told a good story)._ "WOULD YOU MIND
+REPEATING THAT? IT HAS BEEN SO WELL RECEIVED. I WISH TO ADD IT TO MY
+COLLECTION OF RECORDS OF GOOD THINGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Doing the Hat Trick in Two.
+
+     "H. S. O. Ashington, who won three events last year, was expected
+     to repeat the achievement yesterday. He figured in the hurdles,
+     high and long jumps, and if he had not taken the high jump, which
+     he won at 5ft. 8in., the probability is that he would have done the
+     hat trick. His initial exertions, however, told against his
+     hurdling."
+
+     _Daily News._
+
+Unfortunately the absence of them would have told still more against his
+high-jumping.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Dr. John A. Bassin performed a surgical operation at Poughkeepsie,
+     New York, on a boy whose heart was too weak to permit the use of an
+     anaesthetic, and who was lulled into unconsciousness by the strains
+     of 'Highland Fling.'"
+
+To make this story more credible the _Singapore Free Press_ heads it
+"DACOITS IN BURMA."
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+146, APRIL 1, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22989-8.txt or 22989-8.zip *******
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+April 1, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, April 1, 1914</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: October 12, 2007  [eBook #22989]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 146, APRIL 1, 1914***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Janet Blenkinship,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 146.</h2>
+
+
+<h2>APRIL 1, 1914.</h2>
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="CHARIVARIA" id="CHARIVARIA"></a>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+
+<p>We are sorry to hear that the <span class="smcap">Premier</span> is suffering from a troublesome
+Gough.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>Poor Mr. <span class="smcap">Asquith</span>, as though he had not already worries enough, is
+getting into trouble for sending an exclusive statement to <i>The Times</i>.
+He now stands convicted by his own party of being a <i>Times</i>-server.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p><i>The Premier Magazine</i> is announced for sale. Is this, we wonder, the
+Powder Magazine on which he has been sitting?</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>At one moment it began to look as if the Admiralty, after all, was going
+to change its mind and we were to have Grand Man[oe]uvres this year&mdash;off
+the coast of Ireland.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>There are rumours that the Suffragettes are now preparing to blow up the
+whole of Ireland, as they find that that little country has during the
+past few days been distracting public attention from their cause.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>An appeal is being made for funds to enable the battlefield of Waterloo
+to be preserved. A handsome donation has, it is said, been offered by
+one of our most enterprising railway companies, the only condition made
+being that the name shall be altered to Bakerloo.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>It is so often asserted that a Varsity career unfits one for success in
+the bigger world that it is satisfactory to read that the <span class="smcap">Prince of
+Wales's</span> income from the Duchy of Cornwall was &pound;85,719 last year, as
+compared with &pound;81,350 in the previous year.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>The Association of Lancastrians in London held their annual dinner last
+week. It would have been a kindly and thoughtful act on the part of
+those responsible for the dinner had they offered a seat to Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Masterman</span>, the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, who is now back in
+town.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. Justice <span class="smcap">Scrutton</span> has fined a man for saying "Hear, hear," in court,
+and there is something approaching a panic among our Comic Judges lest
+some colleague on a lower plane of humour should fine somebody, for
+laughing in court.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>It has been said that we English take our pleasures sadly. By way of
+compensation, apparently, we take our tragedies gaily. Under the heading
+"<span class="smcap">Amusement Notes</span>" in <i>The Daily Mail</i> we find the following
+announcement:&mdash;"At the Scala Theatre a new colour film is promised for
+Monday next, which is to depict in striking fashion the terrors of
+modern scientific warfare."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>A contemporary describes the production, <i>Splash Me</i>, which was
+presented at the Palladium last week, as "a Water Revue." The correct
+expression is surely "Naval Revue"?</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>Messrs. <span class="smcap">Weekes and Co.</span> have published a "Song of the Aeroplane," and we
+suspect that all concerned in this venture are terrified lest some
+clumsy critic shall say, "Merely to hear this song makes one want to
+fly."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>It is sometimes asked, Are we a musical nation? It is possible, of
+course, that we are, but last week we were informed by an advertisement
+that "the greatest song success of the season" is entitled "Popsy
+Wopsy."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>A Mr. <span class="smcap">Snooks</span> attained his 100th birthday last week. So much for those
+who say that ridicule kills!</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>Thetford (Norfolk) Corporation have decided to pay their mayor a salary
+of &pound;20 in future "owing to the heavy financial drain on his pocket." We
+think it should have been removed and the cost charged to drainage
+expenses.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>The coat-of-arms provided for the Metropolitan Asylum Board includes a
+red cross, the golden staff of <span class="smcap">&AElig;sculapius</span>, an eagle, a dragon, and red
+and white roses. It sounds a mad enough medley.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 20%;" />
+
+<p>Answer to a correspondent: No, <i>Wild Life</i> is not an organ of the
+Militants.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 75%;">
+<a href="images/illus-241.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-241.jpg" alt="Our Futurist Pygmalion" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Our Futurist Pygmalion (on seeing his Galatea come to
+life).</i><br /><span class="smcap"  style="margin-left: 1em;">"Oh, why didn't I remain an idealist?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>THE NEXT OF THE DANDIES.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>According to our daily paper, sloppy untidiness is to be the fashion
+this year.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I've jibed at Dame Fashion for many a year,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Jibed bitterly rather than gaily;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And over the follies of feminine wear<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I indulged in a diatribe daily;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But now I must sing in a different strain<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And praise with a penitent vigour<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The kindness by which she was moved to ordain<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Untidiness strictly <i>de rigueur</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Though man from her fetters is commonly loose<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">(For he has the pluck to withstand her),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I take it that what is correct for the goose<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Will not be amiss for the gander;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And I have a suit that for comfort and ease<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I'd always elect to be dressed in;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The trousers have dear little bags where my knees<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Have made them a corner to nest in.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The sleeves of the coat are all frayed at the end,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The seams of the waistcoat have "started,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But I have a weakness for elderly friends,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And now we need never be parted;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No more when I wear it shall people esteem<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The bardlet in need of compassion;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They'll merely consider him rather extreme<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In his fervent devotion to Fashion.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"<span class="smcap">Bolton W. 1, Manchester C. 0.</span></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><span class="smcap">Bolton Wan. 1, Manches. C. 0.</span>"</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 10em;"><i>Sunderland Daily Echo.</i></span><br />
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It is still a little obscure, but "B. Wanderers 1, M. City 0" would
+bring it home to everybody.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span></p><hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>THE SPIRIT OF ULSTER AND THE ARMY.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>An Appeal to Both Parties.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Still dreaming of the spell of Southern nights,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Strange on my homing senses fall the raucous<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shouts of Democracy, asserting rights<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It long ago committed to the caucus;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Strange&mdash;in a Chamber run for party ends,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Busy with private rancours, feuds, ambitions&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The legend that the Nation's life depends<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Upon her politicians!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Yet two things offer cheer: in Ulster there&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Fanatic sentiment, you'll say, and scoff it&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I see a hundred thousand men who care<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For something dearer than their stomach's profit;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Under the Flag they stand at silent pause,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">True Democrats that hold by Freedom's charter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Resolved and covenanted for the Cause<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">To give their lives in barter!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I see young soldiers, too, who serve the <span class="smcap">king</span><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">(For half the wage a Labour Member cashes),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Prepared, at honour's higher call, to fling<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Their gallant dreams away in dust and ashes!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I care a lot for any laws they break,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But more I care to see what sacrifices<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Men still are found to face for conscience' sake,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Knowing how hard the price is.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Ah, Sirs, and must you for a moment's gain&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I look to both your camps with like appealing&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Must you upon these virtues put a strain<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Irrevocably past the hope of healing?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cannot some gentler means be yet embraced<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That, when the common peril comes upon her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Such qualities of heart, too rare to waste,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">May shield our Country's honour?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i14">O. S.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>EGBERT, BULL-FROG.</h2>
+
+<p>"Speaking," said my uncle James, "of dogs, did I ever tell you about
+Egbert, my bull-frog? I class Egbert among the dogs, partly because of
+his faithfulness and intelligence, and partly because his deep bay&mdash;you
+know how those bull-frogs bark&mdash;always reminded me of a bloodhound
+surprised while on a trail of aniseed. He was my constant companion in
+Northern Assam, where I was at that time planting rubber. He finally
+died of a surfeit of hard-boiled egg, of which he was passionately fond,
+and I was as miserable as if I had lost a brother.</p>
+
+<p>"I think Egbert had been trying to edge into the household for some time
+before I really noticed him. Looking back, I can remember meeting him
+sometimes in the garden, and, though I did not perceive it at first,
+there was a wistful look in his eye when I passed him by without
+speaking. It was not till our burglary that I began really to understand
+his sterling worth. A couple of natives were breaking in, and would
+undoubtedly have succeeded in their designs had it not been for Egbert's
+frantic barking, which aroused the house and brought me down with a
+revolver. It is almost certain that the devoted animal had made a
+practice, night after night, of sleeping near the front-door on the
+chance of something of the sort happening. He was always suspicious of
+natives.</p>
+
+<p>"After that of course his position in the house was established. He
+slept every night at the foot of my bed, and very soothing it was to
+hear his deep rhythmical breathing in the darkness.</p>
+
+<p>"In the daytime we were inseparable. We would go for walks together, and
+I have frequently spent hours throwing sticks into the pond at the
+bottom of the garden for him to retrieve. It was this practice which
+saved his life at the greatest crisis of his career.</p>
+
+<p>"I happened to have strained my leg, and I was sitting in the garden,
+dozing, Egbert by my side, when I was awakened by a hoarse bark from my
+faithful companion, and, looking down, I perceived him hopping rapidly
+towards the pond, pursued by an enormous oojoobwa snake, a reptile not
+dangerous to man, being non-poisonous, but a great scourge among the
+minor fauna of Assam, owing to its habit of pouncing upon them and
+swallowing them alive. This snake is particularly addicted to
+bull-frogs, and, judging from the earnest manner in which he was making
+for the pond, Egbert was not blind to this trait in its character.</p>
+
+<p>"You may imagine my agony of mind. There was I, helpless. My injured leg
+made it impossible for me to pursue the snake and administer one where
+it would do most good. And meanwhile the unequal race was already
+drawing to its inevitable close. Egbert, splendid as were his other
+qualities, was not built for speed. He was dignified rather than mobile.</p>
+
+<p>"What could I do? Nothing beyond throwing my stick in the hope of
+stunning the oojoobwa. It was a forlorn hope, but I did it; and it saved
+Egbert's life, though not in the way I had intended. The stick missed
+the snake and fell immediately in front of Egbert. It was enough. His
+grand intellect worked with the speed of lightning. Just as the snake
+reached him, he reached the stick; and the next moment there was Egbert,
+up to his neck in the reptile's throat, but saved from complete
+absorption by the stick, which he was holding firmly in his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>"I have seldom seen any living thing so completely nonplussed as was the
+oojoobwa. Snakes have very little reasoning power. They cannot weigh
+cause and effect. Otherwise of course the oojoobwa would have nipped
+Egbert till he was forced to leave go of the stick. Instead of doing
+this, he regarded the stick and Egbert as being constructed all in one
+piece, and imagined that he had happened upon a new breed&mdash;of
+unswallowable frog. He ejected Egbert, and lay thinking it over, while
+Egbert, full of pluck, continued his journey to the pond.</p>
+
+<p>"Three times in the next two yards did the snake endeavour to swallow
+his victim, and each time he gave it up; and after the last experiment
+Egbert, evidently finding this constant semi-disappearance into the
+other's interior bad for his nervous system, conceived the idea of
+backing towards the pond instead of heading in that direction, the
+process, though slower, being less liable to sudden interruption."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, to make the story short, the oojoobwa followed Egbert to the very
+edge of the pond, the picture of perplexity; and when my little friend
+finally dived in he lay there with his head over the edge of the bank,
+staring into the water for quite ten minutes. Then he turned, shook his
+head despairingly, and wriggled into the bushes, still thinking hard.
+And a little while later I saw Egbert's head appear cautiously over the
+side of the pond, the stick still in his mouth. He looked round to see
+that the coast was clear, and then came hopping up to me and laid the
+stick at my feet. And, strong man as I was, I broke down and cried like
+a child."</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<blockquote><p>From a revue poster at Birmingham:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"I DO LIKE YOUR EYES</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Record Cast</span>."</span><br />
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We dislike that kind.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span></p><hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 75%;">
+<a href="images/illus-243.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-243.jpg" alt="AFTER CLOSING HOURS." /></a>
+
+<h3>AFTER CLOSING HOURS.</h3>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><span class="smcap">Restaurant Proprietor.</span> "ANOTHER OF THESE NIGHT CLUBS! THEY'LL BE THE
+RUIN OF ME."</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 85%;">
+<a href="images/illus-245.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-245.jpg" alt="OUR BOYS." /></a>
+
+<h3>OUR BOYS.</h3>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Nephew (at preparatory school, to departing uncle).</i> "<span class="smcap">Well, good-bye,
+Uncle. Awf'ly good of you to come over&mdash;and, I say, I hope you backed
+Outram for the Lincolnshire?</span>"</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Uncle.</i> <span class="smcap">"Unfortunately, my boy, I wasn't on it.</span>"</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Nephew.</i> "YOU WEREN'T? WHY, WE WERE ALL ON IT HERE!"</p>
+
+
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>A PEACE-PRESERVATION ACT.</h2>
+
+<p>Whereas <i>Mr. Punch</i> has observed to his deep grief and chagrin that
+political ill-feeling in Great Britain has increased, is increasing and
+ought to be diminished, be it enacted&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>(1) That no morning, evening or weekly paper be allowed to print
+anything on its placard save one of these three phrases: "All the
+Winners," "Tips for To-day," or "Latest Football"; providing that
+nothing in this Act shall prevent <i>The Daily News and Leader</i> from
+substituting "Latest Free Church News" for "Tips for To-day."</p>
+
+<p>(2) That no newspaper be allowed to announce more than one political
+crisis per week under a penalty of &pound;1,000 for each and every subsequent
+crisis announced.</p>
+
+<p>(3) That Mr. <span class="smcap">T. P. O'Connor</span> be appointed grand political censor, and
+that all descriptive expressions intended to be applied by people to
+their political opponents be submitted to him, to ensure that such
+phrases are properly saponaceous.</p>
+
+<p>(4) That six prominent fire-brands in each Party be deported to Saint
+Helena, and that they be chosen by ballot in this wise&mdash;the Liberals
+will select the Tories, the Tories the Liberals, the O'Brienites the
+Nationalists, and the Nationalists the O'Brienites. The Labour Party,
+being specially qualified for the task, will select six of its own body
+for deportation; and nothing in this Act is to hinder Mr. <span class="smcap">Wedgwood</span> from
+deporting himself if he thinks it needful.</p>
+
+<p>(5) And whereas many highly respectable golfers of all shades of
+political opinion have been put off their game by political happenings
+at the week-end be it ordained that a gracious political truce reign
+from Thursday midnight to Tuesday midday, and that during that time, to
+be known as the Truce of <i>Mr. Punch</i>, no political crises, resignations,
+refusals of resignations, re-resignations or snap-divisions be allowed
+on any pretext whatever.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Yesterday afternoon a Cardiff prisoner who had been arrested on a
+warrant escaped from the custody of a police officer. The man
+bolted without the slightest warning."</p>
+
+<p><i>Western Daily Press.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>He was no gentleman. He might at least have said, "One, two, three&mdash;Go!"</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>THE OLDEST OF THE ARTS.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[Speaking at the annual meeting of the governing body of Swanley
+Horticultural College, Sir <span class="smcap">John Cockburn</span> lamented that while that
+institution provided healthful and delightful occupation, for which
+women were eminently fitted, it suffered from a continuous epidemic
+of matrimony, not only among the students but even upon the staff.]</p></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">At</span> Swanley College down in Kent<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The students' time is not misspent.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some of the arts at any rate<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thrive in this Eden up-to-date;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And doubtless each girl-gard'ner tries<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To win the term's Top-dressing Prize,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or trains her sense of paradox<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(While gathering "nuts" and "plums" and stocks)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By taking Flora's new degree&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Spinster of Hearts and Husbandry."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"First he must learn to be a sailor.... Stepping in a small
+coasting craft, he put his shoulder to the wheel, determining, as
+many a boy has done before and since, to get to the top of the tree
+by plodding and perseverance."</p>
+
+<p><i>Ashore and Afloat.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>We don't recommend this as a beginning, however. Very often the captain,
+who wants to steer himself, resents an additional shoulder at the
+wheel&mdash;and invites you to the top of the masthead.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 85%;">
+<a href="images/illus-246.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-246.jpg" alt="MORE BRAINY IDEAS OF OUR DRAPERS." /></a>
+
+<h3>MORE BRAINY IDEAS OF OUR DRAPERS.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Customer being conducted To the Spring Millinery Department.</span></p>
+
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>THE MOON.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">[<i><span class="smcap">Impossible Play Series.</span></i>]</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">A Super-psychological Drama in One Act.</span></p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>Persons of the Play.</i></p>
+
+
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" width="40%" cellspacing="0" summary="">
+<tr>
+<td>Lord Gumthorpe.<br />Lady Gastwyck.</td>
+<td>Angela Thynne.<br />Stud, <i>a butler</i>.</td>
+</tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+<blockquote><p style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in">[<i>Author to Printer.</i>&mdash;Oblige me by reversing your usual practice, and
+printing the text in italics and the stage directions in roman type. My
+request will, I hope, prove intelligible.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in"><i>Scene.</i>&mdash;The drawing-room at <i>Lady Gastwyck's</i>. A large, low room with
+a mullioned window at the back through which moonlight steals. The
+decoration of the room is Adams', though of rather a self-conscious
+type, as the plan and construction of the house is obviously of an
+earlier period. The furniture is Chinese Chippendale.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Gumthorpe</i> is leaning against the window; <i>Angela Thynne</i> is
+leaning against the Chesterfield, and <i>Lady Gastwyck</i> is leaning against
+the Adams' fireplace. <i>Lord Gumthorpe</i> is a tall, gaunt man, slightly
+resembling the portrait of <span class="smcap">Philip IV.</span> of Spain, by <span class="smcap">Velasquez</span>. He turns
+towards <i>Lady Gastwyck</i> and waves his long arms with a gesture of
+indecision. He then turns back and looks out on to the lawn. <i>Angela
+Thynne</i>, is a large, ill-proportioned woman, with curiously limpid blue
+eyes, and a shrill hard voice like a fog-siren, that does not seem to
+belong to her personality. One is always haunted with the idea that she
+might be Scotch. <i>Lady Gastwyck</i> rises. She is a short dark woman with
+deep-set eyes and one very remarkable characteristic. She has apparently
+only one eyebrow. She really has two, but they meet together in one dark
+straight line, and give her a forbidding aspect. She has a habit of
+walking with her chin thrust forward and her long arms curved like a
+boxer's. She advances upon <i>Lord Gumthorpe</i>. He instinctively puts up
+his hands as though expecting to be struck.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lady Gastwyck.</span> <i>You think then that we&mdash;that is, that you and I&mdash;&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in">[She waves her hand towards the moonlit lawn. It might be an action of
+dismissal, or an appeal to the elemental forces. <i>Lord Gumthorpe</i> drops
+limply on to the window-seat and presses his forehead against the stone
+mullion. Then he stands up and gazes at her face, trying not to appear
+to be looking at her one eyebrow.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Gumthorpe</span> (with tremulous indecision). <i>Yes! but you see&mdash;&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in">[As he stands there the extraordinary resemblance between him and
+<span class="smcap">Velasquez'</span> portrait of <span class="smcap">Philip IV.</span> of Spain comes home to her with such
+force that she is about to qualify her half-stated implication, when
+<i>Angela Thynne</i> drops her fan into the fireplace. She has moved to the
+seat that <i>Lady Gastwyck</i> had vacated. She is leaning forward with lips
+parted, and her limpid blue eyes gazing at the dead embers. <i>Lady
+Gastwyck</i> recoils as though struck by a whip. She moves to the
+Chesterfield and leans against it, biting her nails. <i>Lord Gumthorpe</i>
+moves deeper into the recess, struggling with the emotions which the
+astounding act of <i>Angela</i> has produced. As he sits there, the
+moonlight, pouring through the diamond panes of the window, throws
+rhomboids of light on to the polished floor. It looks like some
+enchanted chessboard. Leaning back and gazing with half-closed eyes, he
+peoples it with fantastic rooks, and knights and bishops, when suddenly
+the strangely penetrating voice of <i>Angela</i> breaks the silence.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Angela.</span> <i>Would it be possible for you two to&mdash;&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p class="right">[There is a terrifying silence.]</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Gumthorpe</i> (greedily). <i>Pawn to Queen's pawn four!</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in">[He says this to gain time. For the besetting irresoluteness of the
+Gumthorpes is consuming him. "If only she would&mdash;&mdash;" he is thinking to
+himself, rapidly reviewing the salient features of his past life. He has
+not the courage to look at <i>Angela</i>, but his eyes wander in the
+direction of <i>Lady Gastwyck</i>. She is leaning forward on the
+Chesterfield, her chin resting on her hand, her eyebrow looking like an
+enormous black moustache. He feels his way along the wall, keeping his
+face towards <i>Lady Gastwyck</i>. He knows&mdash;he was educated at Eton and
+Christchurch&mdash;that as the fan has fallen into the fireplace, unless it
+has been removed, it will be there still. Very slowly he reaches the
+grate and, without turning his head, picks up the fan. It is a moment of
+intense emotion. The air is charged with electric suspense. <i>Lady
+Gastwyck</i> moves suddenly, and the rustle of her skirt sounds like the
+rattle of musketry on a frosty morning. <i>Lord Gumthorpe</i> drops the fan.
+He gropes wildly in the fireplace but cannot find it again. Then with an
+air of helpless resignation he goes back to the window-seat. He gazes at
+the chequered pattern on the floor and mentally moves his king up one.
+<i>Lady Gastwyck</i> glances across at him, and it occurs to her that he has
+aged during the last few minutes. He no longer looks like <span class="smcap">Philip IV.</span> of
+Spain, but more like the sub-manager of the White Goods Department of a
+suburban Bon-March&eacute;. She is anxious that <i>Angela</i> shall not observe
+this, and hence makes the following appeal.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lady Gastwyck</span> (hysterically and <i>&aacute; propos</i> of no one). <i>A maroon
+underskirt! a maroon underskirt! That would be the thing! Fancy, Angela,
+biscuit-coloured glac&eacute; with that coffee skin of hers and those teeth!
+You must save her! Take her to Raquin! Let Raquin cut it as only he
+knows how! Let her have&mdash;&mdash; Ah!</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in">[She bursts into tears and then stops, seeing that her effort has
+failed, for a sombre silence ensues. <i>Angela</i> has risen and is looking
+at <i>Lord Gumthorpe</i>. <i>Lord Gumthorpe</i> is standing with his arms folded.
+He has just lost a bishop in the dim chiaroscuro of the window-seat and
+has not heard her outbreak. Suddenly he looks up, and fixes his eyes
+upon <i>Lady Gastwyck</i> with a new sense of resolution. He advances
+towards<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span> her, and gazing boldly at her eyebrow, that looks more than
+ever like a moustache, calls out in a thin cruel voice.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Gumthorpe.</span> <i>Why don't you wax the ends?</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in">[The effect of this bizarre question is startling. <i>Angela</i> turns and
+smiles gently like one who has done one's best at a deathbed, and is
+almost relieved that the end has come. She walks almost serenely across
+the room to the sideboard, and, taking up a piece of cheese and three
+bananas, goes off to bed. But the effect on <i>Lady Gastwyck</i> is
+different, for directly she hears <i>Lord Gumthorpe</i> make this remark she
+realizes that he is a weak man.</p>
+
+<p>There is a pond at the end of the lawn covered with green sedge. She
+shivers. She has courage, but not that sort of courage. She rises and
+leans against the Adams' fireplace. The Adams' fireplace leans against
+her. It falls on to her with a tremendous crash.... <i>Lord Gumthorpe</i>
+comes forward and gazes at the jumbled <i>d&eacute;bris</i>. He is conscious of a
+sense of despairing conflict&mdash;the conflict between contemplative
+amazement and some natural but well-controlled demand for concrete
+action. An appalling conviction comes to him that he ought to <i>do</i>
+something. Under the fallen mess of brick, marble, and wood there are
+feeble undulations. A phrase keeps running through his mind&mdash;"Expressing
+her primitive virility." He tries to think where he has read it, and
+what it means, and how it could apply to the present case. The
+undulations cease. He decides that the phrase could not apply to it. He
+returns to the window-seat. A new horror obsesses him. The moon has
+moved round. The chessboard has been blotted out. <i>In extremis</i>, <i>Lord
+Gumthorpe</i> falls back on his primitive instincts and rings for the
+butler. There is an imperceptible pause. <i>Stud</i> glides in and stands in
+the middle of the room, tears of reverence and respectability streaming
+down his cheeks.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Gumthorpe.</span> (after an interminable pause). <i>Your mistress has
+dropped her fan into the fireplace!</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in">[With a little croon of pleasure, Stud falls towards the fireplace.
+Suddenly he stops, beholding the-fallen wreckage. For a fraction of a
+second the fetters of a generation of servile habits are almost broken.
+A fugitive expression of surprise passes over his face. Then,
+remembering himself, he stumbles over the <i>d&eacute;bris</i> and, groping among
+the cinders, picks up the fan.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Stud</span> (with finesse). <i>Here is the fan, my Lord. Shall I present it to
+her Ladyship?</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Gumthorpe.</span> (with extraordinary subtlety). <i>No, you may keep it. Her
+Ladyship does not require it.</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in">[<i>Stud</i> goes out with the fan. <i>Lord Gumthorpe</i> stands irresolutely
+warming his hands at the fire. <i>Angela's</i> father from Atlantis,
+Tennessee, is heard outside in the hall eating cantaloup. The pips
+rattle against the door. Unable to withstand this further symbol of
+inevitable doom, <i>Lord Gumthorpe</i> throws himself on to the fire. He is
+burnt up. The fire is blotted out. Everything is blotted out.</p></blockquote>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Curtain.</span></h4>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 85%;">
+<a href="images/illus-247.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-247.jpg" alt="Irritable Plus 4" /></a>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Irritable Plus 4 (whose opponent is standing too close
+behind him).</i> "<span class="smcap">Now then, Sir, what are you supposed to be doing there?</span>"</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Mild 18.</i> "<span class="smcap">Only getting ready to clap.</span>"</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<p>From an account of a football match by "Brigadier" in <i>The Daily
+Record</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Cresswell sustained an injury, and took no risks, but R. M. Morton
+would have risked going at a battalion of dragoons with bayonets
+drawn."</p></div>
+
+<p>There must be moments in these peaceful journalistic days of his
+retirement when that grand old soldier, "Brigadier," wishes he were once
+more charging at the head of his dragoons, with a drawn bayonet in his
+hand.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span></p><hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>ORANGES AND LEMONS.</h2>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">IV.&mdash;Before Lunch.</span></h4>
+
+<p>I found Myra in the hammock at the end of the loggia.</p>
+
+<p>"Hallo," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Hallo." She looked up from her book and waved her hand. "Mentone on the
+left, Monte Carlo on the right," she said, and returned to her book
+again. Simpson had mentioned the situation so many times that it had
+become a catch-phrase with us.</p>
+
+<p>"Fancy reading on a lovely morning like this," I complained.</p>
+
+<p>"But that's why. It's a very gloomy play by <span class="smcap">Ibsen</span>, and whenever it's
+simply more than I can bear I look up and see Mentone on the left, Monte
+Carlo on the right&mdash;I mean, I see all the loveliness round me, and then
+I know the world isn't so bad after all." She put her book down. "Are
+you alone?"</p>
+
+<p>I gripped her wrist suddenly and put the paper-knife to her throat.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>We</i> are alone," I hissed&mdash;or whatever you do to a sentence without any
+"s's" in it to make it dramatic. "Your friends cannot save you now.
+Prepare to&mdash;er&mdash;come a walk up the hill with me."</p>
+
+<p>"Help! Help!" whispered Myra. She hesitated a moment; then swung herself
+out of the hammock and went in for her hat.</p>
+
+<p>We climbed up a steep path which led to the rock-village above us.
+Simpson had told us that we must see the village; still more earnestly
+he had begged us to see Corsica. The view of Corsica was to be obtained
+from a point some miles up&mdash;too far to go before lunch.</p>
+
+<p>"However, we can always say we saw it," I reassured Myra. "From this
+distance you can't be certain of recognising an island you don't know.
+Any small cloud on the horizon will do."</p>
+
+<p>"I know it on the map."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but it looks quite different in real life. The great thing is to
+be able to assure Simpson at lunch that the Corsican question is now
+closed. When we're a little higher up, I shall say, 'Surely that's
+Corsica?' and you'll say, 'Not <i>Corsica</i>,?" as though you'd rather
+expected the Isle of Wight; and then it'll be all over. Hallo!</p>
+
+<p>We had just passed the narrow archway leading into the courtyard of the
+village and were following the path up the hill. But in that moment of
+passing we had been observed. Behind us a dozen village children now
+trailed eagerly.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, the dears!" cried Myra.</p>
+
+<p>"But I think we made a mistake to bring them," I said severely. "No one
+is prouder of our&mdash;one, two, three ... I make it eleven&mdash;our eleven
+children than I am, but there are times when Father and Mother want to
+be alone."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm sorry, dear. I thought you'd be so proud to have them all with
+you."</p>
+
+<p>"I <i>am</i> proud of them. To reflect that all the&mdash;one, two ... I make it
+thirteen&mdash;all these thirteen are ours is very inspiring. But I don't
+like people to think that we cannot afford our youngest, our little
+Philom&egrave;ne, shoes and stockings. And Giuseppe should have washed his face
+since last Friday. These are small matters, but they are very trying to
+a father."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you any coppers?" asked Myra suddenly. "You forgot their
+pocket-money last week."</p>
+
+<p>"One, two, three&mdash;I cannot possibly afford&mdash;one, two, three, four&mdash;&mdash;
+Myra, I do wish you'd count them definitely and tell mo how many we
+have. One likes to know. I cannot afford pocket-money for more than a
+dozen."</p>
+
+<p>"Ten." She took a franc from me and gave it to the biggest girl.
+(Anne-Marie, our first, and getting on so nicely with her French.)
+Rapidly she explained what was to be done with it, Anne-Marie's look of
+intense rapture slowly straightening itself to one of ordinary gratitude
+as the financial standing of the other nine in the business became
+clear. Then we waved farewell to our family and went on.</p>
+
+<p>High above the village, a thousand feet above the sea, we rested, and
+looked down upon the silvery olives stretching into the blue ... and
+more particularly upon one red roof which stood up amid the grey-green
+trees.</p>
+
+<p>"That's the Cardews' villa," I said.</p>
+
+<p>Myra was silent.</p>
+
+<p>When Myra married me she promised to love, honour and write all my
+thank-you-very-much letters for me, for we agreed before the ceremony
+that the word "obey" should mean nothing more than that. There are two
+sorts of T. Y. V. M. letters&mdash;the "Thank you very much for asking us, we
+shall be delighted to come," and the "Thank you very much for having us,
+we enjoyed it immensely." With these off my mind I could really
+concentrate on my work, or my short mashie shots, or whatever was of
+importance. But there was now a new kind of letter to write, and one
+rather outside the terms of our original understanding. A friend of mine
+had told his friends the Cardews that we were going out to the Riviera
+and would let them know when we arrived ... and we had arrived a week
+ago.</p>
+
+<p>"It isn't at all an easy letter to write," said Myra. "It's practically
+asking a stranger for hospitality."</p>
+
+<p>"Let us say 'indicating our readiness to accept it.' It sounds better."</p>
+
+<p>Myra smiled slowly to herself.</p>
+
+<p>"'Dear Mrs. Cardew,'" she said, "'we are ready for lunch when you are.
+Yours sincerely.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that's the idea."</p>
+
+<p>"And then what about the others? If the Cardews are going to be nice we
+don't want to leave Dahlia and all of them out of it."</p>
+
+<p>I thought it over carefully for a little.</p>
+
+<p>"What you want to do," I said at last, "is to write a really long letter
+to Mrs. Cardew, acquainting her with all the facts. Keep nothing back
+from her. I should begin by dwelling on the personnel of our little
+company. 'My husband and I,' you should say, 'are not alone. We have
+also with us Mr. and Mrs. Archibald Mannering, a delightful couple. Mr.
+A. Mannering is something in the Territorials when he is not looking
+after his estate. His wife is a great favourite in the county. Next I
+have to introduce to you Mr. Thomas Todd, an agreeable young bachelor.
+Mr. Thos. Todd is in the Sucking-a-ruler-and-looking-out-of-the-window
+Department of the Admiralty, by whose exertions, so long as we preserve
+the 2 Todds to 1 formula&mdash;or, excluding Canadian Todds, 16 to
+10&mdash;Britannia rules the waves. Lastly, there is Mr. Samuel Simpson.
+Short of sight but warm of heart, and with (on a bad pitch) a nasty
+break from the off, Mr. S. Simpson is a <i>litt&eacute;rateur</i> of some eminence
+but little circulation, combining on the cornet intense wind-power with
+no execution, and on the golf course an endless enthusiasm with only an
+occasional contact. This, dear Mrs. Cardew, is our little party. I say
+nothing of my husband.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Go on," smiled Myra. "You have still to explain how we invite ourselves
+to lunch."</p>
+
+<p>"We don't; we leave that to her. All we do is to give a list of the
+meals in which, in the ordinary course, we are wont to indulge, together
+with a few notes on our relative capacities at each. 'Perhaps,' you wind
+up, 'it is at luncheon time that as a party we show to the best
+advantage. Some day, my dear Mrs. Cardew, we must all meet at lunch. You
+will then see that I have exaggerated neither my husband's appetite, nor
+the light conversation of my brother, nor the power of apology, should
+any little <i>contretemps</i> occur, of Mr. Samuel Simpson. Let us, I say,
+meet at lunch. Let us&mdash;&mdash;'" I took out my watch suddenly.</p>
+
+<p>"Come on," I said, getting up and giving a hand to Myra; "we shall only
+just be in time for it."</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+A. A. M.
+</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span></p><hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>ARTISTES' ALIASES.</h2>
+
+<p>An interesting meeting was held at the Memorial Hall last Saturday in
+order to discuss schemes of brightening the nomenclature of British
+musicians.</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="smcap">Frederic Cowen</span>, who presided, said that whereas in the last century
+it was the common practice of British singers to Italianize their
+surnames, we had now gone to the opposite extreme of an aggressive
+insularity. He thought that a compromise between the two entremes was
+feasible, by which a certain element of picturesqueness might be
+introduced into our programmes without exposing us to the charge of
+deliberately seeking to denationalise ourselves.</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="smcap">Henry Wood</span> suggested that the method of the anagram or palindrome
+yielded very happy results. Nobody could be charged with running away
+from his name if he merely turned it upside down or inside out. For
+instance, Miss <span class="smcap">Muriel Foster</span> would become Miss Leirum Retsof, which had
+a pleasantly Slavonic sound, while Mr. <span class="smcap">Hamilton Harty</span> would reappear in
+the impressive form of Mr. Notlimah Ytrah.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="smcap">Carrie Tubb</span> protested vigorously against the proposal, on the
+ground that, if it were adopted, her name would sound just like Butt,
+which was already that of a contralto singer. (Sensation.)</p>
+
+<p>Madame <span class="smcap">Clara Butt</span> supported the protest, pointing out that, if the
+suggestion were acted on, her name would sound just like Tubb, which was
+that of a soprano vocalist. (Great sensation.)</p>
+
+<p>Professor <span class="smcap">Granville Bantock</span> pleaded eloquently for calling in the
+glamour of the East to illuminate the drab monotony of our Anglo-Saxon
+surnames. He was quite ready to be known in future as Bantockjee or
+Bangkok, if the sense of the meeting was in favour of the change&mdash;always
+subject, of course, to the consent of Sir <span class="smcap">Oliver Lodge</span>, the Principal of
+Birmingham University. (Loud cheers.)</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Delius</span> was strongly opposed to any change of nomenclature being made
+compulsory. He was quite sure that he would not compose nearly so well
+under, <i>e.g.</i>, the alias of De Lara. In any case, artists should be
+safeguarded against the appropriation of their names by others.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Algernon Ashton</span> (who was greeted with soft music on muted violins)
+deprecated all unseemly pranks. Nothing would induce him to change his
+patronymic or turn it upside down or inside out.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Landon Ronald</span> expressed sympathy with musicians who were handicapped
+by cacophonous or undignified names. For example, a singer called
+Hewlett or Ball laboured under a serious disadvantage when competing
+with artistes blessed with melodious appellations such as Bellincioni or
+Sammarco.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Ben Davies</span> observed that Welsh singers wore terribly hampered by the
+poverty of their nomenclature. Two out of every three bore the surname
+Davies, and at least one in three of our Welsh male soloists was
+christened Ivor. Ivor was a good name in itself, but it was becoming
+terribly hackneyed.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry Bird</span> thought that all musicians should be at liberty to assume
+names provided they were appropriate. But for a composer to call himself
+Johann Sebastian Wagner was to court disaster. He ventured to submit the
+following list for the benefit of persons who contemplated making the
+change. For a soprano: Miss Hyam Seton. For a contralto: Miss Ritchie
+Plummer. For a tenor: Mr. Uther Chesterton. For a bass: Mr. Deeping
+Downer. For a pianist: Mr. or Miss Ivory Pounds. For a banjoist: Mr.
+Plunkett Stringer.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="smcap">Phyllis Lett</span>, in a brief speech, explained that her name was
+all-British and had no connection whatever with Lithuania.</p>
+
+<p>Ultimately, on the proposal of Lord <span class="smcap">Howard de Walden</span>, seconded by Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Josef Holbrooke</span>, a small committee was appointed, consisting of Sir
+<span class="smcap">Edward Elgar</span>, Professor <span class="smcap">Bantock</span>, Madame <span class="smcap">Clara Butt</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Ben Davies</span> and
+Sir <span class="smcap">Henry Wood</span>, to enquire into the different proposals, and the meeting
+dispersed to the strains of "For he might have been a Rooshan."</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 85%;">
+<a href="images/illus-249.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-249.jpg" alt="A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES." /></a>
+
+<h3>A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES.</h3>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The audience was divided into two sections; the Smith supporters
+cheered every blow Wye landed as a point for their man, while Wye's
+friends were equally enthusiastic on his behalf."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>With the <span class="smcap">Smith</span> supporters behind us, and a <span class="smcap">Smith</span> referee, we are
+prepared to take on <span class="smcap">Carpentier</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span></p><hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 95%;">
+<a href="images/illus-250.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-250.jpg" alt="Mother." /></a>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Mother.</i> "<span class="smcap">Well, darling, do you remember <i>anything</i> the
+clergyman said?</span>"</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Barbara.</i> "<span class="smcap">Yes, Mummy, I heard him say, 'half-past-six'!</span>"</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>"PUNCH" IN HIS ELEMENT.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Modelled on the Opening Chorus of "Atalanta in Calydon."</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Once in so many calendar spaces<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>Punch</i>, appearing on All Fools' Day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Fills with giggles the hours and graces,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Causes the hares of March to stay;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And the soft sweet hatters along the Strand<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Remember the dreams of Wonderland,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the chessboard world and the White King's faces,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The hamless commons and all the hay.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Come with loud bells and belabouring of bladder,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Spirit of Laughter, descend on the town<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With tumbling of paint-pails from top of the ladder<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And blowing of tiles from the stockbroker's crown;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Bind on thy hosen in motley halves<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Over the rondure and curve of thy calves;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The night may be mad, but the morn shall be madder&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Madder than moonshine and madder than brown.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">What shall I say to it, how shall I pipe of it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Weave it what strains of ineffable things?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O that my Muse were a Muse with a gripe of it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Engined with petrol and wafted by wings!<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">For the sorrows and sighings of winter are done,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And <i>Punch</i> is appearing on April 1,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a savour of daffodils clings to the type of it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And the buttered balm of a crumpet clings.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">For the merle and the mavis have joined with the "shover"<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In drowning the day and the night with their din,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And all too soon the unwary lover<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is walking about in vestures thin;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And the "nuts" are buying their shirts of cotton,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And, cast into storage cold, forgotten,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From delicate necks they were wont to cover,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">'Possum by 'possum, the stoles come in.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And soon is an ending of football rushes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The hold that tackles a travelling heel;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the front of the town with new fire flushes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The paints that follow the paints that peel;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And the season comes with its gauds and gold<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">When the amorous plaints once more are told,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the polished hoof of her partner crushes<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The damsel's shoes in the ballroom reel.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And <i>The Times</i> by day and <i>The News</i> by night,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Fleeter of foot than the Fleet Street kid,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shall hurry in motor-cars left and right<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Saying what Kent and Yorkshire did;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And, stout as pillars of marble set,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The copper shall capture the suffragette,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And screen from peril and heave from sight<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The maid pursuing, the Minister hid.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The P.C. comes with his m&aelig;nad haul,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Her hatbrim tilted across her eyes;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The cricketer dips to the flying ball,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His white pants billowing round his thighs;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">But thou, <i>Charivari</i>, week by week<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Remaining (I take it) quite unique,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shalt shake with laughter and pink them all<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">With points that puncture the vogue that flies.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i14"><span class="smcap">Evoe.</span><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span></p><hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 75%;">
+<a href="images/illus-251.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-251.jpg" alt="Mother." /></a>
+
+<h3>"THERE'S MANY A SLIP ..."</h3>
+
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>[Illustration: AT THE DRESS REHEARSAL OF THE NEW COMIC OPERA,
+"RESIGNATION" (AS PLAYED TWICE WEEKLY.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Seelius.</i> "I am undone!" [<i>Thrusts sword beneath armpit and expires.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Actor-Manager.</i> "Capital! But try, if possible, to make it just a
+<i>leetle</i> more convincing."]</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Extracted from the diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 23.</i>&mdash;In arrangement for business of
+week to-day set apart for discussion of Naval Estimates. That meant a
+problematically useful, indubitably dull debate. As has been remarked
+before, it is the unexpected that happens in House of Commons. Since it
+adjourned on Friday portentous news came from Ireland, indicating
+something like revolt among officers of the Army stationed there for
+avowed purpose of backing up civil force in preservation of peace and
+order. Wholesale resignations reported.</p>
+
+<p>The very existence of the Army seemed at stake. Had mere business, such
+as the voting of over &pound;50,000,000 for upkeep of Navy, been to the fore,
+benches would have been half empty. As it was, they were thronged. Over
+the crowded assembly hurtled that indescribable buzz of excitement that
+presages eventful action. The <span class="smcap">Premier</span> and <span class="smcap">Leader of Opposition</span> appearing
+on the scene were severally greeted with strident cheers from their
+followers. <span class="smcap">Prince Arthur</span>, the Dropped Pilot, at urgent entreaty
+returning to the old ship in time of emergency, enjoyed unique
+distinction of being cheered by both sides. Demonstration more eloquent
+than ordered speech.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 45%;">
+<a href="images/illus-253.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-253.jpg" alt="Mother." /></a>
+
+<h4>AT THE DRESS REHEARSAL OF THE NEW COMIC OPERA,
+"RESIGNATION"<br />(AS PLAYED TWICE WEEKLY.)</h4>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Seelius.</i> "I am undone!"</p>
+
+<p class="right">[<i>Thrusts sword beneath armpit and expires.</i></p>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Actor-Manager.</i> "Capital! But try, if possible, to make it just a
+<i>leetle</i> more convincing."</p>
+
+</div>
+<p>Questions over, <span class="smcap">Seely</span> read studiously prosaic statement of events
+leading up to resignations on the Curragh. Someone had blundered, or, as
+the <span class="smcap">Secretary for War</span>, anxious above all things to avoid irritation,
+preferred to put it, "there had been a misunderstanding." All over now.
+Explanations forthcoming had smoothed out difficulty. Resignations
+tendered had been withdrawn. Familiar military command "As you were"
+obeyed.</p>
+
+<p>That all very well. Opposition, upon whom crowning mercy had fallen from
+beneficent heavens, naturally indisposed to treat unexpected boon in
+niggardly spirit. <span class="smcap">Bonner Law</span> insisted on business being set aside and
+opportunity provided for rubbing in the salt. Lively debate followed.
+Speeches delivered with difficulty through running stream of
+interruption. <span class="smcap">Byles of Bradford</span> began it. Breaking in upon <span class="smcap">Bonner Law's</span>
+speech with pointed question he was greeted with savage shout of "Sit
+down" that would have made the rafters ring, supposing there were any.
+Under existing circumstances the glass ceiling looked down
+compassionately, whilst <span class="smcap">Byles</span>, after remaining on his legs for what
+seemed a full minute, resumed his seat.</p>
+
+<p>Amid uproar that raged during succeeding four hours, <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>, preserving
+a superb equanimity, rode upon the whirlwind and directed the storm.
+Whilst <span class="smcap">Premier</span> was trying to make himself heard, <span class="smcap">Helmsley</span> constantly
+interrupted. <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> made earnest appeal to Members to listen in
+patience.</p>
+
+<p>"There will," he said, "be plenty of time afterwards for anyone to ask
+any question or to reply to any point."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Winterton</span>, ever ready to volunteer in the interests of order, asked
+whether <span class="smcap">John Ward</span>, seated opposite, had not sinned in same manner as
+<span class="smcap">Helmsley</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"That is no reason why the noble lord should imitate him."</p>
+
+<p>"What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander," retorted
+<span class="smcap">Winterton</span>. Left House in doubt which was which.</p>
+
+<p>Later <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> dropped down on <span class="smcap">Page Croft</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"The hon. member," he said, "is not entitled to interrupt because some
+argument suddenly strikes him."</p>
+
+<p>House laughed at this piquant way of putting it. <span class="smcap">Sark</span> recalls curious
+fact. 321 years ago the same dictum was framed in almost identical
+phrase. Essential difference was that it was the Speaker of the day who
+was rebuked. He was <span class="smcap">Edward Coke</span>, whose connection with one <span class="smcap">Lyttelton</span> is
+not unfamiliar in Courts of Law. Appearing at bar of House of Lords at
+opening of eighth Parliament of <span class="smcap">Elizabeth</span>, which met 19th February,
+1593, <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> submitted the petition, forthcoming to this day on opening
+of a new Parliament, asking for privilege of speech.</p>
+
+<p>"Privilege of speech is granted," said the <span class="smcap">Lord Keeper</span> on behalf of the
+<span class="smcap">Queen</span>. "But you must know what privilege you have. <i>Not to speak
+everyone what he listeth, or what cometh into his brain to titter.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Eight o'clock struck before turmoil ceased and House got into Committee
+on Navy Estimates. In a twinkling over &pound;15,000,000 sterling voted. That
+nothing to what straightway followed. Getting into Committee on Ways and
+Means, House voted some &pound;68,000,000 on account of the services of the
+year.</p>
+
+<p>After this, House was counted out. In imitation of proverbial character
+of current month, having come in as a lion it went out like a lamb.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Tumultuous debate on Ulster side-issue. Huge sums
+voted in Committee of Supply.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Renewal of yesterday's excitement round action of certain
+officers of the Army in Ireland. <span class="smcap">Seely</span> promised to circulate in the
+morning all papers relating thereto. To members of county councils,
+parish councils, and the like obscure consultative bodies, it would seem
+reasonable to wait opportunity for studying papers before debating their
+contents. We have a better way at Westminster. Business set down was the
+Army Vote. <span class="smcap">Seely</span> explained that for financial reasons it was absolutely
+necessary money should be voted. Necessity admitted, this was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span> done. But
+not till four hours had been occupied in inflaming talk. As for the vote
+for many millions, no time was left to talk about it. Accordingly agreed
+to without comment or criticism.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Amery</span> struck note of Opposition criticism on Curragh affair by
+describing "how meanly the <span class="smcap">Secretary of State for War</span> sneaked out of the
+position into which he so proudly strutted a few days ago." More of same
+genial kind of talk from benches near. But as debate went forward
+Members evidently became possessed of growing sense of gravity of
+situation.</p>
+
+<p>It was the Labour Members who effected the change. For first time in
+life of present Parliament they with united front took the lead at a
+grave national crisis, representing without bluster the vastness of the
+social and political force behind them. <span class="smcap">John Ward</span> in weighty speech
+brought down the real question from nights of personal animosity and
+party rancour. It was "whether the discipline of the Army is to be
+maintained; whether it is to continue to be a neutral force to assist
+the civil power; or whether in future the House of Commons, representing
+the people, is to submit its decisions for approval to a military
+junta.".</p>
+
+<p>Warned party opposite that, the latter principle adopted, there will be
+no picking and choosing. The private soldier has his conscience as well
+as the commissioned officer. In cases of industrial dispute Tommy Atkins
+would find in speeches made to-day by noble Lords and hon. Members
+justification for refusal to shoot down members of his own class with
+whose position he had conscientious sympathy.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">J. H. Thomas</span>, Organising Secretary of Amalgamated Society of Railway
+Servants, put this in briefer phrasing when he said, "General <span class="smcap">Gough</span> may
+feel keenly the Ulster situation. Tommy Atkins will feel not less keenly
+the industrial situation." House listened in significant silence to
+illustration pointing the moral. In November next four hundred thousand
+railway men will come to grips with their employers. If they do not
+obtain satisfactory terms they may simultaneously strike.</p>
+
+<p>"If," their Secretary added, "the doctrine laid down by the Opposition
+in respect to Ulster is sound it will be my duty to tell the railwaymen
+to prepare for the worst by organizing their forces, the half million
+capital possessed by the union to be used to provide arms and ammunition
+for them."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Ominous debate arising on Ulster question. Army Votes
+rushed through without discussion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Sudden dramatic change in strained situation. Turned out
+that <span class="smcap">Seely's</span> guarantee to General <span class="smcap">Gough</span>, accepted as satisfactory and
+followed by withdrawal of that officer's resignation, had not been fully
+brought to knowledge of the Cabinet. Learning of its concluding
+paragraphs only when yesterday he read type-written, copy of White Paper
+published this morning, <span class="smcap">Premier</span> sent for <span class="smcap">Secretary for War</span> and
+repudiated them. <span class="smcap">Seely</span>, acknowledging his error, tendered his
+resignation. <span class="smcap">Premier</span> declined to accept it. In view of all the
+circumstances he "thought it would be not only ungenerous but unjust to
+take such action."</p>
+
+<p>This strange story, told in two chapters, the first contributed by <span class="smcap">War
+Secretary</span>, the second by the <span class="smcap">Premier</span>, listened to with strained
+attention by crowded House. There followed debate whose stormy course
+occasionally rose to heights exceeding those scaled on two preceding
+days.</p>
+
+<p>Only once was there manifestation of general hearty assent. Forthcoming
+when the <span class="smcap">Premier</span> warmly protested against "unfair and inconsiderate
+attempts, not made on one side only, to drag into the discussion the
+name of the <span class="smcap">King</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"His Majesty," he added, amid burst of general cheering, "has from first
+to last observed every rule that comports with the dignity of the
+position of a constitutional sovereign."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Second Reading of Consolidated Fund Bill, on which
+debate arose, carried by 314 against 222. Majority, 92.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 85%;">
+<a href="images/illus-254.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-254.jpg" alt="Mother." /></a>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><span class="smcap">Suggested design for car which, by a simple arrangement
+op mirrors, enables the super-nut to drive in the special super-nutty
+position.</span></p>
+
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>CRUEL KINDNESS.</h2>
+
+<p>There was once a schoolboy who was caught fishing in forbidden waters.
+He knew that the penalty was a switching (old style), and his
+contemporaries were pleased to remind him of the fact. Five o'clock was
+the hour fixed for the interview. The boy was small for his age, but
+brainy. All day he studied how he might save his skin and disappoint his
+friends, and at 4.30 he repaired stealthily to his dormitory to make his
+plans. They consisted of a sheet of brown paper&mdash;all that remained,
+alas, of a home-made cake&mdash;two copies of <i>The Scout</i> and a chest
+protector, which had been included in his outfit by a solicitious
+parent. By means of the fatal fishing line he attached the combined
+padding to his person, then, stiffly resuming his garments, knocked at
+the dread portal as the clock struck.</p>
+
+<p>The Head glanced down over his spectacles. The boy stood strangely
+erect, and his face was brave though pale. A cane lay on the table. The
+master's eye was sterner than his heart. His hand reached for the cane,
+but he replaced it in a drawer, and for twenty minutes the listeners in
+the corridor vainly pricked their ears for the accustomed sounds.</p>
+
+<p>"Well?" they inquired anxiously when the victim reappeared.</p>
+
+<p>"He only jawed me," replied the small boy; and he wept.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<p>An "agony" in <i>The Daily Graphic</i>:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Maud darling, did you see my last massage?... Ada."</p></div>
+
+<p>No, <span class="smcap">Ada</span>, but she heard about it. Stick to it and you'll soon be down to
+twelve-stone-five again.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"In the Italian Chamber, on the 12th instant, there was only a
+majority of Bill. It is believed that the Giolitti Cabinet is
+tottering.&mdash;<i>Ostasiatischer Lloyd.</i>"</p>
+
+<p><i>North China Herald.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Gulielmo's casting vote cannot save them every time.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"On his motor-trip he never met any cat travelling either without
+lights after dusk or on the wrong side of the road."</p>
+
+<p><i>Ceylon Observer.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Our dogs may well learn a lesson from this.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The bride carried a large bouquet of Harum lilies."&mdash;<i>South
+Staffordshire Times.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>This sort has two stalks, of course.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span></p><hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 85%;">
+<a href="images/illus-255.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-255.jpg" alt="Mother." /></a>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Mistress.</i> "<span class="smcap">Why have you put two hot-water bottles in my
+bed, Bridget?</span>"</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Bridget.</i> "<span class="smcap">Sure, Mem, wan of thim was leaking, and I didn't know which,
+so I put both in to make sure.</span>"</p>
+
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>THE ODD MAN.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Jones is a man who is too topsy-turvy;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nothing is quite as it should be with Jones,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Angular just where he ought to be curvy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Padded with flesh where he ought to have bones.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Jones is a freak who attends to the labours,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Small and domestic, that make up the home:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pays all the calls and leaves cards on the neighbours,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Leaving his wife to be lazy at home.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Does up her dresses without saying, "Blow it";<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Pays and forgets to say "Bother" or "Biff";<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Asks her to scatter the money and go it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Beams at her bills when the totals are stiff.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">As for his daughters, he gives them their chances,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Rushes them round to reception and f&ecirc;te;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Takes them himself to their concerts and dances;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Always looks pleased when they want to stay late.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then he has meals which would make you grow thinner,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Often absorbing with infinite glee<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sponge-cakes at breakfast and crumpets at dinner,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Whitstable oysters at five o'clock tea.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Next he loves laughter: that is, to be laughed at&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Every way's right for the man to be rubbed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Grins when he's sneered at and jeered at and chaffed at;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Wriggles with pleasure whenever he's snubbed.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Fiction, in short, in a million disguises<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Never created a crankier clod,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">More unaccountably made of surprises,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">More topsy-turvily fashioned and odd.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>CARPET SALES.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">(<i>In accordance with the current announcements of the leading West-End
+houses, and with no reference to Anglo-Russian diplomacy.</i>)</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Carpets of Persia fashioned on Orient looms&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Webs which the craftsman's hand with a patient cunning<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Wrought through the perfect marriage of warp and woof&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Such as were laid, I imagine, in Bahram's rooms<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Where (since their removal) the lion and lizard lie sunning,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And the ass, according to <span class="smcap">Omar</span>, stamps his hoof&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are selling off cheap, it is stated, for money down:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Carpets of Persia! (None of your home-made stuffs!)<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">After long years on the loom and infinite labour,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Piled in bales on piratical Arab dhows<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At Bunder Abbas, and brought by a crew of roughs<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">(Each looking more of a cut-throat rip than his neighbour)<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Down Ormuz Strait through a series of storms and rows&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Surely they ought to be bargains in London Town?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Carpets of Persia! Though not, perhaps, one of the best,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Like those which adorn the Victoria and Albert Museum,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Yet, since you assert that you're selling authentic antiques,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'd like to have one which the foot of a Caliph has pressed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Or one where the wives of a Wazir (I fancy I see 'em)<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Were wont to recline, curled up in their shimmering breeks,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or one whereon foreheads were rubbed before mighty <span class="smcap">Haroun</span>&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span></p><hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>A POLITICAL CORRESPONDENCE.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;It has been brought to my notice that at a meeting you
+addressed recently in your constituency you referred to me, and in
+the course of your remarks you said that I had employed in the
+House of Commons the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical
+hireling." May I ask you for your authority for this statement? I
+can only hope that your reply will avoid any ambiguity, and for
+your further enlightenment I may inform you that I am annoyed.</p>
+
+<p>I am sure I am acting as you would wish me to do in sending a copy
+of this letter to the Press.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+Yours faithfully,<br />
+<span class="smcap">N. Y. Z Thomson-Thomson</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap"  style="margin-left: 2em;">A. B. C. Wentworth-Coke, Esq.</span><br />
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;How like you to read an inaccurate report of my speech! The
+words I used&mdash;you will find them reported in <i>The Wastepaper
+Gazette</i> for that week&mdash;were as follows: "We must then take these
+statements of Mr. Thomson-Thomson to be nothing but the blustering
+artifice of <i>a</i> rhetorical hireling." You will, I am sure,
+appreciate the difference between the two versions. If you do not,
+I may add that I am prepared to endorse the opinion expressed in
+the accurate version and to raise the question in the House of
+Commons at an early opportunity.</p>
+
+<p>I am sending a copy, of this letter to the Press, as your reply
+will doubtless be irrelevant.</p>
+
+<p class="center">Yours faithfully,<br />
+<span class="smcap">A. B. C. Wentworth-Coke</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap"  style="margin-left: 2em;">N. Y. Z. Thomson-Thomson, Esq.</span><br />
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;I have perused several reports of your speech, and with one
+exception they all agree that the word "the" was used and not the
+word "a." <i>The Wastepaper Gazette</i>, with which I think you are
+identified, is the only one which has printed your version of the
+speech, and I must therefore decline to accept your statement. Of
+course had the indefinite article been used it would have destroyed
+any ground for complaint. As you are attempting to evade the
+serious issue between us I can only conclude that your methods
+indicate the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical hireling."
+Unless I hear from you to the contrary I shall always maintain this
+view.</p>
+
+<p>I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.</p>
+
+<p class="center">Yours truly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">N. Y. Z. Thomson-Thomson</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap"  style="margin-left: 2em;">A. B. C. Wentworth-Coke, Esq.</span><br />
+</p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;My Secretary was much pained at your last letter. He has
+informed me of its contents. I can only say that I am surprised
+that a statesman of your undoubted ability should exhibit such
+peculiar controversial methods.</p>
+
+<p>The circumstances are not new. In 1911, in the House of Commons, I
+find that I formulated the same opinion of you in substantially the
+same words, yet no objection was then raised by you nor could any
+objection have been so raised.</p>
+
+<p>Since your election your attitude on every question has been
+deplorable, and although I am of the opposite party I may say that
+in this view I am in no sense actuated by party feeling. This is a
+matter too serious for the bitterness of partisanship.</p>
+
+<p>I repeat that in my opinion you have frequently employed the
+blustering artifice of a rhetorical hireling.</p>
+
+<p>Unless I hear from you within half-an-hour I shall send a copy of
+this letter to the Press.</p>
+
+<p class="center">Yours faithfully,<br />
+<span class="smcap"  style="margin-left: 2em;">A. B. C. Wentworth-Coke</span>.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;Could you oblige me by letting me know who was the originator
+of the phrase?</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap"  style="margin-left: 2em;">N. Y. Z. Thomson-Thomson, Esq.</span><br />
+</p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;You have totally failed to substantiate the serious charges
+you made against me, and I am sorry, for the sweetness of political
+life, that you have not had the courage or the fairness to withdraw
+them.</p>
+
+<p>I am glad that we have been able to conduct this correspondence on
+the courteous lines which have ever characterised our public
+careers.</p>
+
+<p>I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.</p>
+
+<p class="center">Yours faithfully,<br />
+<span class="smcap">N. Y. Z. Thomson-Thomson</span>.
+</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;I do not know who was the author of the phrase. But I knew
+<i>you</i> couldn't be.</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap"  style="margin-left: 2em;">A. B. C. Wentworth-Coke, Esq.</span><br />
+</p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;I have nothing to add to my last letter.</p>
+
+<p class="center">Yours truly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">A. B. C. Wentworth-Coke</span>.
+</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;I purpose sending a copy of this letter to the Press.</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap"  style="margin-left: 2em;">N. Y. Z. Thomson-Thomson, Esq.</span><br />
+</p></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<p>Some idea of last week's Parliamentary crisis may be gathered from the
+following poster:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+ <div class="centerbox bbox">
+    <p class="center"><span class="smcap">Cabinet<br /><br />
+   sends for<br /><br />
+    French</span></p></div>
+
+
+
+<p>Our neighbours across the water were too busy with their own troubles to
+respond. Much better have sent for Germans. Their arrival might have
+pulled us together.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>SHOP.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Spring Thoughts by One In Trade.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">When the new Spring is drawing near<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">There always rises in my blood<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A keen desire to see the year<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Fresh opening in the bud.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">From my tame task to wander free;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For one brief day to get me gone<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To some sweet rural spot, and see<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">How things are getting on.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">So, when a rising glass invites,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Off by the ready train I fare;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How sweet are all the country sights,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">How fresh the country air!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Here every prospect has its charm;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On every side I find a spell;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There is a pleasure in a farm,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And (almost) in the smell.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Tis sweet to see the pretty lambs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To mark them as they frisk and jump,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or nestle round their anxious dams,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">So placid and so plump.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I hear the lark's ecstatic gush<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">From his clear ambush in the sky;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A blackbird (if it's not a thrush)<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Sings from a wood hard by.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I climb towards an open lea<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Whereon the goodly cattle browse,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And oh, it does me good to see<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Such oxen and such cows.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And here and there an early calf<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Staggers about with weakling frame;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It is a sight that makes me laugh;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">I feel so glad I came.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The orchard with its early pink<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">(Cherry, I'm told) adorns the scene;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While the horse-chestnut (as I think)<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Is well-nigh turning green.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">So through the day I roam apart,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And bless the happy dawn of Spring,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which thrills a butcher's homely heart<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">With such sweet visiting.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But soon the light begins to fade,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And I must quit these rural joys<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To labour at my daily trade<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Mid London's dust and noise.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Back to the buses and the trams,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To think on Spring's recurring boon,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Especially the calves and lambs:<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">They will be ready soon.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i11"><span class="smcap">Dum-Dum.</span><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+
+
+
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Carpentier was getting to be a sorry sight at the finish. There
+was hardly anything to indicate that Jeannette had been in a
+15-round glove-fight."&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p>
+
+
+
+<p>"All this Carpentier stood well, and quick as lightning at long
+range cut the mulatto's face to bits."&mdash;<i>Morning Post.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+
+<p>We think our contemporaries are carrying their rivalry with each other
+too far.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<h2>THE CRAZE FOR SALARIED OFFICIALS-SOME SUGGESTIONS.</h2>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%">
+<div class="figleft" style="width:350px; height: 283px;">
+   <img src="images/illus-257atb.jpg"
+      alt="" />
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><span class="smcap"><b>Why not have <i>Controllers of Conviviality</i><br />to check over-indulgence in
+eating.</b></span></p><br />
+<span class="link"><a href="images/illus-257a.jpg">View larger image</a></span>
+</div>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 350px; height: 268px;">
+    <img src="images/illus-257btb.jpg"
+      alt="" />
+<p class="center"><br /><span class="smcap"><b>And drinking?</b></span>.</p><br />
+<span class="link"><a href="images/illus-257b.jpg">View larger image</a></span>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p style="clear: both;">&nbsp;</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%">
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 350px; height: 290px;">
+   <img src="images/illus-257ctb.jpg"
+      alt="" />
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><span class="smcap"><b>or <i>Wardens of Reputations</i><br />to suppress scandal</b></span></p><br />
+<span class="link"><a href="images/illus-257c.jpg">View larger image</a></span>
+</div>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 350px; height: 268px;">
+    <img src="images/illus-257dtb.jpg"
+      alt="" />
+<p class="center"><br /><span class="smcap"><b>and tittle-tattle?</b></span>.</p><br />
+<span class="link"><a href="images/illus-257d.jpg">View larger image</a></span>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p style="clear: both;">&nbsp;</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%">
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 350px; height: 272px;">
+   <img src="images/illus-257etb.jpg"
+      alt="" />
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><br /><br /><br /><br /><span class="smcap"><b>or <i>Censors of Phraseology</i></b><br /><b>to restrain bad language?</b></span></p><br />
+<span class="link"><a href="images/illus-257e.jpg">View larger image</a></span>
+</div>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 350px; height: 285px;">
+    <img src="images/illus-257ftb.jpg"
+      alt="" />
+<p class="center"><br /><span class="smcap"><b>But best of all, make <i>everybody</i> an<br /><i>Inspector of Officials</i>, so<br />that
+the great British Public can<br />get a little of its own back.</b></span>.</p><br />
+<span class="link"><a href="images/illus-257f.jpg">View larger image</a></span>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p style="clear: both;">&nbsp;</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>COUNTRY LIFE EXHIBITION.</h2>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Interesting Programme.</span></h4>
+
+<p>Arrangements have now been completed for holding at the Piscicultural
+Hall, Kensington, an exhibition, the aim of which is to impart
+instruction in the art of living in the country. Such assistance is of
+the highest value, since many persons otherwise capable enough are
+unable to manage rural ways at once or deal with even such ordinary
+difficulties as neighbours' visits, invitations to garden parties,
+dinners, &amp;c., political confessions, the retention of servants, the
+lighting system, the Vicar's calls, and so forth.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">How to Keep Servants.</span></h4>
+
+<p>On this most difficult problem lectures will be given by a practised
+chatelaine. Various different makes of gramophones will be on view, with
+a list of tunes most acceptable to the servants'-hall. The maximum
+possible distance of the house from the nearest picture palace has been
+worked out from illuminating statistics. Useful hints about followers
+may also be gathered here.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Church.</span></h4>
+
+<p>Not every one in the country goes to church, but none can escape
+acquaintance with the Vicar. Hints as to how to deal with him are freely
+offered, and a variety of excuses for non-attendance have been drawn,
+ranging from a headache to Quakerism. Also what to say when the Vicar
+meets you on Sunday morning with your clubs. A list of minimum
+subscriptions to all conceivable charities is on sale.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Lighting.</span></h4>
+
+<p>For country householders who are at present burning oil, but think they
+would like an illuminant made of petrol or acetylene, a lecture will be
+given by an expert, who will examine all the myriad plants on the market
+and offer his opinion as to the least unsatisfactory. Diagrams of
+gardeners' burns and other injuries in a failure to master the
+intricacies of the engine are a popular feature. Also phonograph records
+of what certain gardeners have said, in various dialects, when told to
+tackle the new light.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Country Inn Section.</span></h4>
+
+<p>Everything necessary to the successful management of a country inn is on
+view here. Among the exhibits are a cup of coffee as prepared from
+coffee and a cup of coffee as served in a typical inn. By studying the
+two the inn-keeper may learn what is expected of him, and how to avoid
+the mistake of serving coffee in which any flavour of coffee persists.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Politics.</span></h4>
+
+<p>Here the settler in the country is on very delicate ground and in need
+of all his tact. As the exhibition lecturer will point out, he must,
+before avowing his own political creed, ascertain that of his
+landlord&mdash;particularly so if he has only a yearly tenancy. The chances
+are that the landlord is a Conservative. If the tenant is Conservative
+too, all is well; if the contrary&mdash;but we had better leave the details
+to the lecturer.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Names of Flowers.</span></h4>
+
+<p>A well-known horticulturist has invented a system by which the names of
+flowers can be taught in the shortest possible time, especially as the
+flowers have been carefully selected to exclude all but the fashionable.
+After only two lessons the pupil is in a position to lead a visitor
+through the garden and casually and accurately enumerate every
+delphinium and climbing rose in it. Suitable adjectives to apply to
+flowers are also provided.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Dogs.</span></h4>
+
+<p>Models of the two chief different types of country house&mdash;those which
+the dogs may enter as they will, and those from which the dogs are
+excluded&mdash;are on view.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Where to Live.</span></h4>
+
+<p>A lecturer who knows every inch of the country within a forty-mile
+radius of London will discourse at intervals on the respective merits of
+each popular district. A list of the principal residents in each will be
+available, together with a computation of the chances of a newcomer
+being called on by any ladies with a title. In order to make this
+department really efficient the intending new resident must of course
+give true particulars as to his or her social history. Districts where
+new residents who have been in trade, always excepting wine and the
+motor industry, are not called on, are carefully marked on a special
+Social map.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Taxis.</span></h4>
+
+<p>A map of England, coloured to show where the tariff is 8<i>d.</i> a mile,
+9<i>d.</i> a mile, 10<i>d.</i> a mile, and 1<i>s.</i> a mile, has been prepared.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Railways.</span></h4>
+
+<p>A careful examination of the railways out of London has been made, with
+full particulars as to the speed of their trains, punctuality,
+cleanliness, warmth, week-end tickets and so forth. Also hints for doing
+the company by old hands. Also character sketches of the station-masters
+at all likely stations.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Aeroplanes.</span></h4>
+
+<p>In order that accidents due to falling airmen may be guarded against, a
+map has been designed for sale in the hall, showing those parts of the
+country over which flights are most common.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>OLD CHINA.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let her do just what she wanted to do;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Made her processions with peacocky banners<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the most regal and lavish of manners.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was a magician who lived at Foo-choo.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Now if you possess a magician of cunning<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nothing you want should be out of the running.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Little Wun-lee had all sorts of things&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Fly-away carpets and vanishing-rings,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Djinn as her footmen, and gem-spraying fountains,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And lovely snow-leopards from ghost-haunted mountains.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Little Wun-lee, combing her hair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Saw a blue butterfly float through the air&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Saw a blue butterfly flicker and settle<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On an azalea's rosy pink petal.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Little Wun-lee said: "By the <span class="smcap">Mings</span>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>That</i> for your fly-away carpets and rings!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Peacocks and palanquins? Powers and dominions?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'll have a pair of blue butterfly's pinions!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Little Wun-lee," answered Nang Poo,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"That's the one trick no magician can do;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Never did wizard of land, air or water<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Magic blue wings on a little white daughter."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Little Wun-lee, dainty and dear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cried for a day and a week and a year&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cried till she died of a Thwarted Ambition,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And nobody cared but Nang-Poo, the magician.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Little Wun-lee, little Wun-lee,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He buried her 'neath the azalea tree;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the burnished blue butterflies flicker and hover,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the rosy pink petals fall lightly above her.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<p>A Bloodthirsty Critic.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Nation</i> on <i>Saint Augustin</i>, by <span class="smcap">Louis Bertrand</span>:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The student of Church history will do well to take Dr. Bertrand's
+Life."</p></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span></p><hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 85%;">
+<a href="images/illus-259.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-259.jpg" alt="Mother." /></a>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>First Sportsman (on the way home after dinner).</i> "<span class="smcap">Hi!
+look out where you're going!</span>"</p>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Second Sportsman.</i> "<span class="smcap">Look out yourself! You're driving, aren't you?</span>"</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>First Sportsman.</i> "<span class="smcap">No, I thought you were.</span>"</p>
+
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>I doubt if Messrs. <span class="smcap">Asquith, Churchill, Edmond, Lloyd George</span>, or even
+Colonel <span class="smcap">Seely</span> have leisure these days for novel-reading, and, if they
+have, they might be reluctant to devote it to <i>The Ulsterman</i>
+(<span class="smcap">Hutchinson</span>). It does not treat of their favourite subject and, so far
+from offering any solution of extant difficulties, adds yet another
+complication to the Home Rule question. Everything from revenue to
+religion having been discussed, no one but Mr. <span class="smcap">F. Frankfort Moore</span> has
+thought to deal with the love interest. What is to be done, the tale
+suggests, for the young lovers in the North whose families are loyal to
+different sovereigns? <i>Ned</i> was the son of a stalwart, if somewhat
+snobbish, adherent of His Majesty <span class="smcap">King George the Fifth</span>; <i>Kate</i> was the
+daughter of a would-be subject of the Divine <span class="smcap">Devlin</span>, and things could
+never have gone well with them had it not been for the intervention of
+<i>Ned's</i> uncle, who had been so long out of Ireland that he had ceased to
+cherish any keen feelings in the dispute, and had been so used by his
+brother in the past that he was only too glad of the opportunity of
+spiting him by getting his son married to a Papist. But there are other
+cases, where no such facilities are at hand, and, if Mr. <span class="smcap">Moore's</span> picture
+is a true one, it must go hard with such couples. What is to be done for
+them? Are they to be told to wait six years and see? I hope not, for
+whatever they might see in the period could have no interest for them?
+This matrimonial difficulty is one, at any rate, which, as all must
+agree, even that reputed panacea, the General Election, cannot be
+expected to cure.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 30%;' />
+
+<p>I think I never met a book more "racily" written&mdash;in a special sense of
+the word&mdash;than <i>The Progress of Prudence</i> (<span class="smcap">Mills and Boon</span>). Horses and
+hounds play so large a part therein as almost to be the protagonists;
+certainly they are the chief influencing forces in the development of
+the heroine, from the day when she attempts to purchase one of the pack,
+under the impression that they are being exhibited for sale, to that
+other day, some time later, when her own entry finishes second in the
+Grand National. You will notice that <i>Prudence</i> had progressed
+considerably during the interval. Her early ignorance was due to the
+fact that she had only just developed from a slum factory-girl into a
+landed proprietress. The father of <i>Prudence</i> had been a miser; and,
+when he died in the attic where he and the girl had miserably lived, he
+left her a fortune, and instructions to spend it on real estate. So Mr.
+<span class="smcap">W. F. Hewer</span> starts us on a pretty problem&mdash;how, in these circumstances,
+will <i>Prudence</i> get on? Of course, she gets on excellently; and soon is
+as keen a rider to hounds and a judge of horseflesh as any in a
+neighbourhood where those accomplishments are held in high esteem.
+Equally of course there are men, nay lords, who fall under the spell of
+her attraction; but when I tell you that the
+groom-and-general-horse-master, whom <i>Prudence</i> engaged, and under whose
+tuition she so prospered, was a gentleman who had seen better days, you
+will probably have already guessed the end of the tale. This is reached
+after some scenes of pleasant humour<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> and sentiment, and after I don't
+know how many runs with hounds, given with a minuteness of detail that
+shows Mr. <span class="smcap">Hewer</span> to be a practised master of his subject. The same remark
+applies to the various meetings at which <i>Prudence</i> (surely a little
+oddly named?) sees her colours carried to victory. Altogether a
+stablesque romance that should appeal irresistibly to its own public.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 30%;' />
+
+<p><i>The Mailing of Blaise</i> is Mr. <span class="smcap">A. S. Turberville's</span> first novel, and it
+is easy to understand why Messrs. <span class="smcap">Sidgwick and Jackson</span> have drawn
+attention to this fact. For the work reveals a great ignorance of, or a
+supreme contempt for, the art of construction, and its theme is very
+hackneyed; but at the same time Mr. <span class="smcap">Turberville</span> observes so keenly that
+I groan in the spirit when I think of so much labour misspent on a
+subject unworthy of his talent. Here we have a boy with the artistic
+temperament born into the house of one <i>Brown</i>, a Cheapside tailor with
+puritanical prejudices and the mind of a sparrow. He and his rather
+futile wife were enough to make anyone rebellious; but too much irony is
+spent upon them, and it would have been less difficult to sympathise
+with <i>Philip</i> if his parents' point of view had been more fairly stated.
+After many domestic frictions the son rushes away from London and lives
+a Bohemian life (extremely well described) on the Continent, until he
+marries a delightful and penniless wife. All the marks for charm go to
+<i>Ath&eacute;n&eacute;e</i>, unless a few of them can be spared for their child, <i>Blaise</i>,
+who had, or so it seems to me, great trouble in thrusting his way upon
+the scenes. <i>Philip</i> and <i>Ath&eacute;n&eacute;e</i> were going to do great things for
+their son, but unfortunately both of them were killed while he was still
+a little child, and he had to be retrieved to the bosom of the <i>Brown</i>
+family. The change from freedom to rigorous conventionality did not suit
+poor <i>Blaise</i>, and I could not be very sorry when he annoyed most of the
+<i>Browns</i> by catching measles and petrified all of them by not
+recovering. Still, he lived long enough to get his name into the title,
+though this, I feel, was a bit of favouritism.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 30%;' />
+
+<p><i>The Way Home</i>, by <span class="smcap">Basil King</span> (<span class="smcap">Methuen</span>), describes the spiritual
+wanderings of a New Yorker, <i>Charlie Grace</i>, destined for the ministry;
+rejecting it, because of his disillusionment through the practice of the
+professing Christians about him, in favour of a hunt for the money which
+alone he finds can earn respect; adopting in business the inverted
+Christian motto, "Down the other fellow before he downs you"; drifting
+in and out of loves clean and sordid; and finally, broken in health,
+discovering the way, through the bitterness of a deeper disillusionment,
+back to an estranged wife; and yet another way to somewhere near the
+faith of his childhood and the peace of resignation. Barely is so
+serious a theme treated by a novelist with such simplicity, sincerity
+and eloquent reticence. Nobody need fear the dulness known as "pi-jaw."
+The story is full of interest. The characterisation, extraordinarily
+careful and balanced, is conveyed not only in description but in the
+cleverly-constructed dialogue. It is part of the author's skill to
+represent <i>Hilda</i>, <i>Charlie's</i> wife, with her charming reserve and
+dignity, as not a little difficult and exacting, and so to divide our
+sympathies fairly between the two. There are many other living
+characters, of which old <i>Remnant</i>, the sexton, with his queerly
+American business notions of religion and dislike of the "riff-raff," is
+too nicely absurd and human not to have been drawn from life. There is
+very good stuff indeed in this book, which seems to me in every way an
+advance upon <i>The Street Called Straight</i>.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 30%;' />
+
+<p>It is all a matter of taste. If you like that sort of book you will like
+<i>The Great Attempt</i> (<span class="smcap">Murray</span>), for Mr. <span class="smcap">Frederick Arthur's</span> story is quite
+good of its kind. But what sort of a book is it? Well, on page 31 one
+character says to another character, "Now listen. Thou knowest that
+there is some mystery regarding the heir to the estate. He is said to be
+in hiding abroad. The truth is that they have cheated him out of his
+inheritance and he can't do anything until he finds his papers." And yet
+it is not entirely that sort of book, for Mr. <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> is evidently a
+thoughtful student of history, and he has drawn quite a vivid picture of
+the events leading up to the battle of Culloden. His sympathies are on
+the side of the <span class="smcap">Pretender</span> and his cause, and he can see nothing to
+approve of in the ranks of the Hanoverians. I am content to take his
+word for the rights and wrongs of the case. The whole matter leaves me a
+little cold. I have no actual grievance against the <span class="smcap">Old Pretender</span>,
+though <span class="smcap">Bonnie Prince Charlie</span> is one of my pet aversions; but I consider
+that enough fiction has been written about him already. In the matter of
+subjects for novels I should like to institute an <i>Index Expurgatorius</i>.
+It would contain the two <span class="smcap">Pretenders</span>, the French Revolution, the American
+Civil War, <span class="smcap">Napoleon</span>, and most of the other well-worn names and events of
+history, and would remove a powerful temptation from the path of the
+young author. Missing heirs in search of papers I do not so much mind.
+Indeed, I am on the whole fond of missing heirs. But missing heirs with
+an historical background make me tired.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 85%;">
+<a href="images/illus-260.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-260.jpg" alt="Mother." /></a>
+
+<h3>OUR CURIO CRANKS.</h3>
+
+<p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.1in"><i>Enthusiast (to diner who has just told a good story).</i> "<span class="smcap">Would you mind
+repeating that? It has been so well received. I wish to add it to my
+collection of Records of Good Things.</span>"</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<h4>Doing the Hat Trick in Two.</h4>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"H. S. O. Ashington, who won three events last year, was expected
+to repeat the achievement yesterday. He figured in the hurdles,
+high and long jumps, and if he had not taken the high jump, which
+he won at 5ft. 8in., the probability is that he would have done the
+hat trick. His initial exertions, however, told against his
+hurdling."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily News.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Unfortunately the absence of them would have told still more against his
+high-jumping.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 50%;' />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Dr. John A. Bassin performed a surgical operation at Poughkeepsie,
+New York, on a boy whose heart was too weak to permit the use of an
+anaesthetic, and who was lulled into unconsciousness by the strains
+of 'Highland Fling.'"</p></div>
+
+<p>To make this story more credible the <i>Singapore Free Press</i> heads it
+"<span class="smcap">Dacoits in Burma</span>."</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 146, APRIL 1, 1914***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 22989-h.txt or 22989-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22989">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/9/8/22989</a></p>
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+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2268 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+April 1, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, April 1, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 12, 2007  [eBook #22989]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 146, APRIL 1, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Janet Blenkinship, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22989-h.htm or 22989-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22989/22989-h/22989-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22989/22989-h.zip)
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+      The oe-ligature is represented in this text as "[oe]".
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 146
+
+APRIL 1, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+We are sorry to hear that the PREMIER is suffering from a troublesome
+Gough.
+
+       * * *
+
+Poor Mr. ASQUITH, as though he had not already worries enough, is
+getting into trouble for sending an exclusive statement to _The Times_.
+He now stands convicted by his own party of being a _Times_-server.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Premier Magazine_ is announced for sale. Is this, we wonder, the
+Powder Magazine on which he has been sitting?
+
+       * * *
+
+At one moment it began to look as if the Admiralty, after all, was going
+to change its mind and we were to have Grand Man[oe]uvres this year--off
+the coast of Ireland.
+
+       * * *
+
+There are rumours that the Suffragettes are now preparing to blow up the
+whole of Ireland, as they find that that little country has during the
+past few days been distracting public attention from their cause.
+
+       * * *
+
+An appeal is being made for funds to enable the battlefield of Waterloo
+to be preserved. A handsome donation has, it is said, been offered by
+one of our most enterprising railway companies, the only condition made
+being that the name shall be altered to Bakerloo.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is so often asserted that a Varsity career unfits one for success in
+the bigger world that it is satisfactory to read that the PRINCE OF
+WALES'S income from the Duchy of Cornwall was L85,719 last year, as
+compared with L81,350 in the previous year.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Association of Lancastrians in London held their annual dinner last
+week. It would have been a kindly and thoughtful act on the part of
+those responsible for the dinner had they offered a seat to Mr.
+MASTERMAN, the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, who is now back in
+town.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. Justice SCRUTTON has fined a man for saying "Hear, hear," in court,
+and there is something approaching a panic among our Comic Judges lest
+some colleague on a lower plane of humour should fine somebody, for
+laughing in court.
+
+       * * *
+
+It has been said that we English take our pleasures sadly. By way of
+compensation, apparently, we take our tragedies gaily. Under the heading
+"AMUSEMENT NOTES" in _The Daily Mail_ we find the following
+announcement:--"At the Scala Theatre a new colour film is promised for
+Monday next, which is to depict in striking fashion the terrors of
+modern scientific warfare."
+
+       * * *
+
+A contemporary describes the production, _Splash Me_, which was
+presented at the Palladium last week, as "a Water Revue." The correct
+expression is surely "Naval Revue"?
+
+       * * *
+
+Messrs. WEEKES AND CO. have published a "Song of the Aeroplane," and we
+suspect that all concerned in this venture are terrified lest some
+clumsy critic shall say, "Merely to hear this song makes one want to
+fly."
+
+       * * *
+
+It is sometimes asked, Are we a musical nation? It is possible, of
+course, that we are, but last week we were informed by an advertisement
+that "the greatest song success of the season" is entitled "Popsy
+Wopsy."
+
+       * * *
+
+A Mr. SNOOKS attained his 100th birthday last week. So much for those
+who say that ridicule kills!
+
+       * * *
+
+Thetford (Norfolk) Corporation have decided to pay their mayor a salary
+of L20 in future "owing to the heavy financial drain on his pocket." We
+think it should have been removed and the cost charged to drainage
+expenses.
+
+       * * *
+
+The coat-of-arms provided for the Metropolitan Asylum Board includes a
+red cross, the golden staff of AESCULAPIUS, an eagle, a dragon, and red
+and white roses. It sounds a mad enough medley.
+
+       * * *
+
+Answer to a correspondent: No, _Wild Life_ is not an organ of the
+Militants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Our Futurist Pygmalion (on seeing his Galatea come to
+life)._ "OH, WHY DIDN'T I REMAIN AN IDEALIST?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT OF THE DANDIES.
+
+(_According to our daily paper, sloppy untidiness is to be the fashion
+this year._)
+
+    I've jibed at Dame Fashion for many a year,
+      Jibed bitterly rather than gaily;
+    And over the follies of feminine wear
+    I indulged in a diatribe daily;
+    But now I must sing in a different strain
+      And praise with a penitent vigour
+    The kindness by which she was moved to ordain
+      Untidiness strictly _de rigueur_.
+
+    Though man from her fetters is commonly loose
+      (For he has the pluck to withstand her),
+    I take it that what is correct for the goose
+      Will not be amiss for the gander;
+    And I have a suit that for comfort and ease
+      I'd always elect to be dressed in;
+    The trousers have dear little bags where my knees
+      Have made them a corner to nest in.
+
+    The sleeves of the coat are all frayed at the end,
+      The seams of the waistcoat have "started,"
+    But I have a weakness for elderly friends,
+      And now we need never be parted;
+    No more when I wear it shall people esteem
+      The bardlet in need of compassion;
+    They'll merely consider him rather extreme
+      In his fervent devotion to Fashion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "BOLTON W. 1, MANCHESTER C. 0.
+  BOLTON WAN. 1, MANCHES. C. 0."
+
+  _Sunderland Daily Echo._
+
+It is still a little obscure, but "B. Wanderers 1, M. City 0" would
+bring it home to everybody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SPIRIT OF ULSTER AND THE ARMY.
+
+(_An Appeal to Both Parties._)
+
+    Still dreaming of the spell of Southern nights,
+      Strange on my homing senses fall the raucous
+    Shouts of Democracy, asserting rights
+      It long ago committed to the caucus;
+    Strange--in a Chamber run for party ends,
+      Busy with private rancours, feuds, ambitions--
+    The legend that the Nation's life depends
+          Upon her politicians!
+
+    Yet two things offer cheer: in Ulster there--
+      Fanatic sentiment, you'll say, and scoff it--
+    I see a hundred thousand men who care
+      For something dearer than their stomach's profit;
+    Under the Flag they stand at silent pause,
+      True Democrats that hold by Freedom's charter,
+    Resolved and covenanted for the Cause
+          To give their lives in barter!
+
+    I see young soldiers, too, who serve the KING
+      (For half the wage a Labour Member cashes),
+    Prepared, at honour's higher call, to fling
+      Their gallant dreams away in dust and ashes!
+    I care a lot for any laws they break,
+      But more I care to see what sacrifices
+    Men still are found to face for conscience' sake,
+          Knowing how hard the price is.
+
+    Ah, Sirs, and must you for a moment's gain--
+      I look to both your camps with like appealing--
+    Must you upon these virtues put a strain
+      Irrevocably past the hope of healing?
+    Cannot some gentler means be yet embraced
+      That, when the common peril comes upon her,
+    Such qualities of heart, too rare to waste,
+          May shield our Country's honour?
+
+                                        O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EGBERT, BULL-FROG.
+
+"Speaking," said my uncle James, "of dogs, did I ever tell you about
+Egbert, my bull-frog? I class Egbert among the dogs, partly because of
+his faithfulness and intelligence, and partly because his deep bay--you
+know how those bull-frogs bark--always reminded me of a bloodhound
+surprised while on a trail of aniseed. He was my constant companion in
+Northern Assam, where I was at that time planting rubber. He finally
+died of a surfeit of hard-boiled egg, of which he was passionately fond,
+and I was as miserable as if I had lost a brother.
+
+"I think Egbert had been trying to edge into the household for some time
+before I really noticed him. Looking back, I can remember meeting him
+sometimes in the garden, and, though I did not perceive it at first,
+there was a wistful look in his eye when I passed him by without
+speaking. It was not till our burglary that I began really to understand
+his sterling worth. A couple of natives were breaking in, and would
+undoubtedly have succeeded in their designs had it not been for Egbert's
+frantic barking, which aroused the house and brought me down with a
+revolver. It is almost certain that the devoted animal had made a
+practice, night after night, of sleeping near the front-door on the
+chance of something of the sort happening. He was always suspicious of
+natives.
+
+"After that of course his position in the house was established. He
+slept every night at the foot of my bed, and very soothing it was to
+hear his deep rhythmical breathing in the darkness.
+
+"In the daytime we were inseparable. We would go for walks together, and
+I have frequently spent hours throwing sticks into the pond at the
+bottom of the garden for him to retrieve. It was this practice which
+saved his life at the greatest crisis of his career.
+
+"I happened to have strained my leg, and I was sitting in the garden,
+dozing, Egbert by my side, when I was awakened by a hoarse bark from my
+faithful companion, and, looking down, I perceived him hopping rapidly
+towards the pond, pursued by an enormous oojoobwa snake, a reptile not
+dangerous to man, being non-poisonous, but a great scourge among the
+minor fauna of Assam, owing to its habit of pouncing upon them and
+swallowing them alive. This snake is particularly addicted to
+bull-frogs, and, judging from the earnest manner in which he was making
+for the pond, Egbert was not blind to this trait in its character.
+
+"You may imagine my agony of mind. There was I, helpless. My injured leg
+made it impossible for me to pursue the snake and administer one where
+it would do most good. And meanwhile the unequal race was already
+drawing to its inevitable close. Egbert, splendid as were his other
+qualities, was not built for speed. He was dignified rather than mobile.
+
+"What could I do? Nothing beyond throwing my stick in the hope of
+stunning the oojoobwa. It was a forlorn hope, but I did it; and it saved
+Egbert's life, though not in the way I had intended. The stick missed
+the snake and fell immediately in front of Egbert. It was enough. His
+grand intellect worked with the speed of lightning. Just as the snake
+reached him, he reached the stick; and the next moment there was Egbert,
+up to his neck in the reptile's throat, but saved from complete
+absorption by the stick, which he was holding firmly in his mouth.
+
+"I have seldom seen any living thing so completely nonplussed as was the
+oojoobwa. Snakes have very little reasoning power. They cannot weigh
+cause and effect. Otherwise of course the oojoobwa would have nipped
+Egbert till he was forced to leave go of the stick. Instead of doing
+this, he regarded the stick and Egbert as being constructed all in one
+piece, and imagined that he had happened upon a new breed--of
+unswallowable frog. He ejected Egbert, and lay thinking it over, while
+Egbert, full of pluck, continued his journey to the pond.
+
+"Three times in the next two yards did the snake endeavour to swallow
+his victim, and each time he gave it up; and after the last experiment
+Egbert, evidently finding this constant semi-disappearance into the
+other's interior bad for his nervous system, conceived the idea of
+backing towards the pond instead of heading in that direction, the
+process, though slower, being less liable to sudden interruption."
+
+"Well, to make the story short, the oojoobwa followed Egbert to the very
+edge of the pond, the picture of perplexity; and when my little friend
+finally dived in he lay there with his head over the edge of the bank,
+staring into the water for quite ten minutes. Then he turned, shook his
+head despairingly, and wriggled into the bushes, still thinking hard.
+And a little while later I saw Egbert's head appear cautiously over the
+side of the pond, the stick still in his mouth. He looked round to see
+that the coast was clear, and then came hopping up to me and laid the
+stick at my feet. And, strong man as I was, I broke down and cried like
+a child."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a revue poster at Birmingham:--
+
+  "I DO LIKE YOUR EYES
+    RECORD CAST."
+
+We dislike that kind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER CLOSING HOURS.
+
+RESTAURANT PROPRIETOR. "ANOTHER OF THESE NIGHT CLUBS! THEY'LL BE THE
+RUIN OF ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR BOYS.
+
+_Nephew (at preparatory school, to departing uncle)._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE,
+UNCLE. AWF'LY GOOD OF YOU TO COME OVER--AND, I SAY, I HOPE YOU BACKED
+OUTRAM FOR THE LINCOLNSHIRE?"
+
+_Uncle._ "UNFORTUNATELY, MY BOY, I WASN'T ON IT."
+
+_Nephew._ "YOU WEREN'T? WHY, WE WERE ALL ON IT HERE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PEACE-PRESERVATION ACT.
+
+Whereas _Mr. Punch_ has observed to his deep grief and chagrin that
+political ill-feeling in Great Britain has increased, is increasing and
+ought to be diminished, be it enacted--
+
+(1) That no morning, evening or weekly paper be allowed to print
+anything on its placard save one of these three phrases: "All the
+Winners," "Tips for To-day," or "Latest Football"; providing that
+nothing in this Act shall prevent _The Daily News and Leader_ from
+substituting "Latest Free Church News" for "Tips for To-day."
+
+(2) That no newspaper be allowed to announce more than one political
+crisis per week under a penalty of L1,000 for each and every subsequent
+crisis announced.
+
+(3) That Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR be appointed grand political censor, and
+that all descriptive expressions intended to be applied by people to
+their political opponents be submitted to him, to ensure that such
+phrases are properly saponaceous.
+
+(4) That six prominent fire-brands in each Party be deported to Saint
+Helena, and that they be chosen by ballot in this wise--the Liberals
+will select the Tories, the Tories the Liberals, the O'Brienites the
+Nationalists, and the Nationalists the O'Brienites. The Labour Party,
+being specially qualified for the task, will select six of its own body
+for deportation; and nothing in this Act is to hinder Mr. WEDGWOOD from
+deporting himself if he thinks it needful.
+
+(5) And whereas many highly respectable golfers of all shades of
+political opinion have been put off their game by political happenings
+at the week-end be it ordained that a gracious political truce reign
+from Thursday midnight to Tuesday midday, and that during that time, to
+be known as the Truce of _Mr. Punch_, no political crises, resignations,
+refusals of resignations, re-resignations or snap-divisions be allowed
+on any pretext whatever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Yesterday afternoon a Cardiff prisoner who had been arrested on a
+     warrant escaped from the custody of a police officer. The man
+     bolted without the slightest warning."
+
+     _Western Daily Press._
+
+He was no gentleman. He might at least have said, "One, two, three--Go!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLDEST OF THE ARTS.
+
+     [Speaking at the annual meeting of the governing body of Swanley
+     Horticultural College, Sir JOHN COCKBURN lamented that while that
+     institution provided healthful and delightful occupation, for which
+     women were eminently fitted, it suffered from a continuous epidemic
+     of matrimony, not only among the students but even upon the staff.]
+
+    AT Swanley College down in Kent
+    The students' time is not misspent.
+    Some of the arts at any rate
+    Thrive in this Eden up-to-date;
+    And doubtless each girl-gard'ner tries
+    To win the term's Top-dressing Prize,
+    Or trains her sense of paradox
+    (While gathering "nuts" and "plums" and stocks)
+    By taking Flora's new degree--
+    "Spinster of Hearts and Husbandry."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "First he must learn to be a sailor.... Stepping in a small
+     coasting craft, he put his shoulder to the wheel, determining, as
+     many a boy has done before and since, to get to the top of the tree
+     by plodding and perseverance."
+
+     _Ashore and Afloat._
+
+We don't recommend this as a beginning, however. Very often the captain,
+who wants to steer himself, resents an additional shoulder at the
+wheel--and invites you to the top of the masthead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE BRAINY IDEAS OF OUR DRAPERS.
+
+CUSTOMER BEING CONDUCTED TO THE SPRING MILLINERY DEPARTMENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOON.
+
+[_IMPOSSIBLE PLAY SERIES._]
+
+A SUPER-PSYCHOLOGICAL DRAMA IN ONE ACT.
+
+  _Persons of the Play._
+
+  Lord Gumthorpe.
+  Lady Gastwyck.
+  Angela Thynne.
+  Stud, _a butler_.
+
+[_Author to Printer._--Oblige me by reversing your usual practice, and
+printing the text in italics and the stage directions in roman type. My
+request will, I hope, prove intelligible.]
+
+_Scene._--The drawing-room at _Lady Gastwyck's_. A large, low room with
+a mullioned window at the back through which moonlight steals. The
+decoration of the room is Adams', though of rather a self-conscious
+type, as the plan and construction of the house is obviously of an
+earlier period. The furniture is Chinese Chippendale.
+
+_Lord Gumthorpe_ is leaning against the window; _Angela Thynne_ is
+leaning against the Chesterfield, and _Lady Gastwyck_ is leaning against
+the Adams' fireplace. _Lord Gumthorpe_ is a tall, gaunt man, slightly
+resembling the portrait of PHILIP IV. of Spain, by VELASQUEZ. He turns
+towards _Lady Gastwyck_ and waves his long arms with a gesture of
+indecision. He then turns back and looks out on to the lawn. _Angela
+Thynne_, is a large, ill-proportioned woman, with curiously limpid blue
+eyes, and a shrill hard voice like a fog-siren, that does not seem to
+belong to her personality. One is always haunted with the idea that she
+might be Scotch. _Lady Gastwyck_ rises. She is a short dark woman with
+deep-set eyes and one very remarkable characteristic. She has apparently
+only one eyebrow. She really has two, but they meet together in one dark
+straight line, and give her a forbidding aspect. She has a habit of
+walking with her chin thrust forward and her long arms curved like a
+boxer's. She advances upon _Lord Gumthorpe_. He instinctively puts up
+his hands as though expecting to be struck.
+
+LADY GASTWYCK. _You think then that we--that is, that you and I----_
+
+[She waves her hand towards the moonlit lawn. It might be an action of
+dismissal, or an appeal to the elemental forces. _Lord Gumthorpe_ drops
+limply on to the window-seat and presses his forehead against the stone
+mullion. Then he stands up and gazes at her face, trying not to appear
+to be looking at her one eyebrow.
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE (with tremulous indecision). _Yes! but you see----_
+
+[As he stands there the extraordinary resemblance between him and
+VELASQUEZ' portrait of PHILIP IV. of Spain comes home to her with such
+force that she is about to qualify her half-stated implication, when
+_Angela Thynne_ drops her fan into the fireplace. She has moved to the
+seat that _Lady Gastwyck_ had vacated. She is leaning forward with lips
+parted, and her limpid blue eyes gazing at the dead embers. _Lady
+Gastwyck_ recoils as though struck by a whip. She moves to the
+Chesterfield and leans against it, biting her nails. _Lord Gumthorpe_
+moves deeper into the recess, struggling with the emotions which the
+astounding act of _Angela_ has produced. As he sits there, the
+moonlight, pouring through the diamond panes of the window, throws
+rhomboids of light on to the polished floor. It looks like some
+enchanted chessboard. Leaning back and gazing with half-closed eyes, he
+peoples it with fantastic rooks, and knights and bishops, when suddenly
+the strangely penetrating voice of _Angela_ breaks the silence.
+
+ANGELA. _Would it be possible for you two to----_
+
+[There is a terrifying silence.]
+
+_Lord Gumthorpe_ (greedily). _Pawn to Queen's pawn four!_
+
+[He says this to gain time. For the besetting irresoluteness of the
+Gumthorpes is consuming him. "If only she would----" he is thinking to
+himself, rapidly reviewing the salient features of his past life. He has
+not the courage to look at _Angela_, but his eyes wander in the
+direction of _Lady Gastwyck_. She is leaning forward on the
+Chesterfield, her chin resting on her hand, her eyebrow looking like an
+enormous black moustache. He feels his way along the wall, keeping his
+face towards _Lady Gastwyck_. He knows--he was educated at Eton and
+Christchurch--that as the fan has fallen into the fireplace, unless it
+has been removed, it will be there still. Very slowly he reaches the
+grate and, without turning his head, picks up the fan. It is a moment of
+intense emotion. The air is charged with electric suspense. _Lady
+Gastwyck_ moves suddenly, and the rustle of her skirt sounds like the
+rattle of musketry on a frosty morning. _Lord Gumthorpe_ drops the fan.
+He gropes wildly in the fireplace but cannot find it again. Then with an
+air of helpless resignation he goes back to the window-seat. He gazes at
+the chequered pattern on the floor and mentally moves his king up one.
+_Lady Gastwyck_ glances across at him, and it occurs to her that he has
+aged during the last few minutes. He no longer looks like PHILIP IV. of
+Spain, but more like the sub-manager of the White Goods Department of a
+suburban Bon-Marche. She is anxious that _Angela_ shall not observe
+this, and hence makes the following appeal.
+
+LADY GASTWYCK (hysterically and _a propos_ of no one). _A maroon
+underskirt! a maroon underskirt! That would be the thing! Fancy, Angela,
+biscuit-coloured glace with that coffee skin of hers and those teeth!
+You must save her! Take her to Raquin! Let Raquin cut it as only he
+knows how! Let her have---- Ah!_
+
+[She bursts into tears and then stops, seeing that her effort has
+failed, for a sombre silence ensues. _Angela_ has risen and is looking
+at _Lord Gumthorpe_. _Lord Gumthorpe_ is standing with his arms folded.
+He has just lost a bishop in the dim chiaroscuro of the window-seat and
+has not heard her outbreak. Suddenly he looks up, and fixes his eyes
+upon _Lady Gastwyck_ with a new sense of resolution. He advances
+towards her, and gazing boldly at her eyebrow, that looks more than
+ever like a moustache, calls out in a thin cruel voice.
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE. _Why don't you wax the ends?_
+
+[The effect of this bizarre question is startling. _Angela_ turns and
+smiles gently like one who has done one's best at a deathbed, and is
+almost relieved that the end has come. She walks almost serenely across
+the room to the sideboard, and, taking up a piece of cheese and three
+bananas, goes off to bed. But the effect on _Lady Gastwyck_ is
+different, for directly she hears _Lord Gumthorpe_ make this remark she
+realizes that he is a weak man.
+
+There is a pond at the end of the lawn covered with green sedge. She
+shivers. She has courage, but not that sort of courage. She rises and
+leans against the Adams' fireplace. The Adams' fireplace leans against
+her. It falls on to her with a tremendous crash.... _Lord Gumthorpe_
+comes forward and gazes at the jumbled _debris_. He is conscious of a
+sense of despairing conflict--the conflict between contemplative
+amazement and some natural but well-controlled demand for concrete
+action. An appalling conviction comes to him that he ought to _do_
+something. Under the fallen mess of brick, marble, and wood there are
+feeble undulations. A phrase keeps running through his mind--"Expressing
+her primitive virility." He tries to think where he has read it, and
+what it means, and how it could apply to the present case. The
+undulations cease. He decides that the phrase could not apply to it. He
+returns to the window-seat. A new horror obsesses him. The moon has
+moved round. The chessboard has been blotted out. _In extremis_, _Lord
+Gumthorpe_ falls back on his primitive instincts and rings for the
+butler. There is an imperceptible pause. _Stud_ glides in and stands in
+the middle of the room, tears of reverence and respectability streaming
+down his cheeks.
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE. (after an interminable pause). _Your mistress has
+dropped her fan into the fireplace!_
+
+[With a little croon of pleasure, Stud falls towards the fireplace.
+Suddenly he stops, beholding the-fallen wreckage. For a fraction of a
+second the fetters of a generation of servile habits are almost broken.
+A fugitive expression of surprise passes over his face. Then,
+remembering himself, he stumbles over the _debris_ and, groping among
+the cinders, picks up the fan.
+
+STUD (with finesse). _Here is the fan, my Lord. Shall I present it to
+her Ladyship?_
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE. (with extraordinary subtlety). _No, you may keep it. Her
+Ladyship does not require it._
+
+[_Stud_ goes out with the fan. _Lord Gumthorpe_ stands irresolutely
+warming his hands at the fire. _Angela's_ father from Atlantis,
+Tennessee, is heard outside in the hall eating cantaloup. The pips
+rattle against the door. Unable to withstand this further symbol of
+inevitable doom, _Lord Gumthorpe_ throws himself on to the fire. He is
+burnt up. The fire is blotted out. Everything is blotted out.
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Irritable Plus 4 (whose opponent is standing too close
+behind him)._ "NOW THEN, SIR, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THERE?"
+
+_Mild 18._ "ONLY GETTING READY TO CLAP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of a football match by "Brigadier" in _The Daily
+Record_:--
+
+     "Cresswell sustained an injury, and took no risks, but R. M. Morton
+     would have risked going at a battalion of dragoons with bayonets
+     drawn."
+
+There must be moments in these peaceful journalistic days of his
+retirement when that grand old soldier, "Brigadier," wishes he were once
+more charging at the head of his dragoons, with a drawn bayonet in his
+hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORANGES AND LEMONS.
+
+IV.--BEFORE LUNCH.
+
+I found Myra in the hammock at the end of the loggia.
+
+"Hallo," I said.
+
+"Hallo." She looked up from her book and waved her hand. "Mentone on the
+left, Monte Carlo on the right," she said, and returned to her book
+again. Simpson had mentioned the situation so many times that it had
+become a catch-phrase with us.
+
+"Fancy reading on a lovely morning like this," I complained.
+
+"But that's why. It's a very gloomy play by IBSEN, and whenever it's
+simply more than I can bear I look up and see Mentone on the left, Monte
+Carlo on the right--I mean, I see all the loveliness round me, and then
+I know the world isn't so bad after all." She put her book down. "Are
+you alone?"
+
+I gripped her wrist suddenly and put the paper-knife to her throat.
+
+"_We_ are alone," I hissed--or whatever you do to a sentence without any
+"s's" in it to make it dramatic. "Your friends cannot save you now.
+Prepare to--er--come a walk up the hill with me."
+
+"Help! Help!" whispered Myra. She hesitated a moment; then swung herself
+out of the hammock and went in for her hat.
+
+We climbed up a steep path which led to the rock-village above us.
+Simpson had told us that we must see the village; still more earnestly
+he had begged us to see Corsica. The view of Corsica was to be obtained
+from a point some miles up--too far to go before lunch.
+
+"However, we can always say we saw it," I reassured Myra. "From this
+distance you can't be certain of recognising an island you don't know.
+Any small cloud on the horizon will do."
+
+"I know it on the map."
+
+"Yes, but it looks quite different in real life. The great thing is to
+be able to assure Simpson at lunch that the Corsican question is now
+closed. When we're a little higher up, I shall say, 'Surely that's
+Corsica?' and you'll say, 'Not _Corsica_,?" as though you'd rather
+expected the Isle of Wight; and then it'll be all over. Hallo!
+
+We had just passed the narrow archway leading into the courtyard of the
+village and were following the path up the hill. But in that moment of
+passing we had been observed. Behind us a dozen village children now
+trailed eagerly.
+
+"Oh, the dears!" cried Myra.
+
+"But I think we made a mistake to bring them," I said severely. "No one
+is prouder of our--one, two, three ... I make it eleven--our eleven
+children than I am, but there are times when Father and Mother want to
+be alone."
+
+"I'm sorry, dear. I thought you'd be so proud to have them all with
+you."
+
+"I _am_ proud of them. To reflect that all the--one, two ... I make it
+thirteen--all these thirteen are ours is very inspiring. But I don't
+like people to think that we cannot afford our youngest, our little
+Philomene, shoes and stockings. And Giuseppe should have washed his face
+since last Friday. These are small matters, but they are very trying to
+a father."
+
+"Have you any coppers?" asked Myra suddenly. "You forgot their
+pocket-money last week."
+
+"One, two, three--I cannot possibly afford--one, two, three, four----
+Myra, I do wish you'd count them definitely and tell mo how many we
+have. One likes to know. I cannot afford pocket-money for more than a
+dozen."
+
+"Ten." She took a franc from me and gave it to the biggest girl.
+(Anne-Marie, our first, and getting on so nicely with her French.)
+Rapidly she explained what was to be done with it, Anne-Marie's look of
+intense rapture slowly straightening itself to one of ordinary gratitude
+as the financial standing of the other nine in the business became
+clear. Then we waved farewell to our family and went on.
+
+High above the village, a thousand feet above the sea, we rested, and
+looked down upon the silvery olives stretching into the blue ... and
+more particularly upon one red roof which stood up amid the grey-green
+trees.
+
+"That's the Cardews' villa," I said.
+
+Myra was silent.
+
+When Myra married me she promised to love, honour and write all my
+thank-you-very-much letters for me, for we agreed before the ceremony
+that the word "obey" should mean nothing more than that. There are two
+sorts of T. Y. V. M. letters--the "Thank you very much for asking us, we
+shall be delighted to come," and the "Thank you very much for having us,
+we enjoyed it immensely." With these off my mind I could really
+concentrate on my work, or my short mashie shots, or whatever was of
+importance. But there was now a new kind of letter to write, and one
+rather outside the terms of our original understanding. A friend of mine
+had told his friends the Cardews that we were going out to the Riviera
+and would let them know when we arrived ... and we had arrived a week
+ago.
+
+"It isn't at all an easy letter to write," said Myra. "It's practically
+asking a stranger for hospitality."
+
+"Let us say 'indicating our readiness to accept it.' It sounds better."
+
+Myra smiled slowly to herself.
+
+"'Dear Mrs. Cardew,'" she said, "'we are ready for lunch when you are.
+Yours sincerely.'"
+
+"Well, that's the idea."
+
+"And then what about the others? If the Cardews are going to be nice we
+don't want to leave Dahlia and all of them out of it."
+
+I thought it over carefully for a little.
+
+"What you want to do," I said at last, "is to write a really long letter
+to Mrs. Cardew, acquainting her with all the facts. Keep nothing back
+from her. I should begin by dwelling on the personnel of our little
+company. 'My husband and I,' you should say, 'are not alone. We have
+also with us Mr. and Mrs. Archibald Mannering, a delightful couple. Mr.
+A. Mannering is something in the Territorials when he is not looking
+after his estate. His wife is a great favourite in the county. Next I
+have to introduce to you Mr. Thomas Todd, an agreeable young bachelor.
+Mr. Thos. Todd is in the Sucking-a-ruler-and-looking-out-of-the-window
+Department of the Admiralty, by whose exertions, so long as we preserve
+the 2 Todds to 1 formula--or, excluding Canadian Todds, 16 to
+10--Britannia rules the waves. Lastly, there is Mr. Samuel Simpson.
+Short of sight but warm of heart, and with (on a bad pitch) a nasty
+break from the off, Mr. S. Simpson is a _litterateur_ of some eminence
+but little circulation, combining on the cornet intense wind-power with
+no execution, and on the golf course an endless enthusiasm with only an
+occasional contact. This, dear Mrs. Cardew, is our little party. I say
+nothing of my husband.'"
+
+"Go on," smiled Myra. "You have still to explain how we invite ourselves
+to lunch."
+
+"We don't; we leave that to her. All we do is to give a list of the
+meals in which, in the ordinary course, we are wont to indulge, together
+with a few notes on our relative capacities at each. 'Perhaps,' you wind
+up, 'it is at luncheon time that as a party we show to the best
+advantage. Some day, my dear Mrs. Cardew, we must all meet at lunch. You
+will then see that I have exaggerated neither my husband's appetite, nor
+the light conversation of my brother, nor the power of apology, should
+any little _contretemps_ occur, of Mr. Samuel Simpson. Let us, I say,
+meet at lunch. Let us----'" I took out my watch suddenly.
+
+"Come on," I said, getting up and giving a hand to Myra; "we shall only
+just be in time for it."
+
+                                                         A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARTISTES' ALIASES.
+
+An interesting meeting was held at the Memorial Hall last Saturday in
+order to discuss schemes of brightening the nomenclature of British
+musicians.
+
+Sir FREDERIC COWEN, who presided, said that whereas in the last century
+it was the common practice of British singers to Italianize their
+surnames, we had now gone to the opposite extreme of an aggressive
+insularity. He thought that a compromise between the two entremes was
+feasible, by which a certain element of picturesqueness might be
+introduced into our programmes without exposing us to the charge of
+deliberately seeking to denationalise ourselves.
+
+Sir HENRY WOOD suggested that the method of the anagram or palindrome
+yielded very happy results. Nobody could be charged with running away
+from his name if he merely turned it upside down or inside out. For
+instance, Miss MURIEL FOSTER would become Miss Leirum Retsof, which had
+a pleasantly Slavonic sound, while Mr. HAMILTON HARTY would reappear in
+the impressive form of Mr. Notlimah Ytrah.
+
+Miss CARRIE TUBB protested vigorously against the proposal, on the
+ground that, if it were adopted, her name would sound just like Butt,
+which was already that of a contralto singer. (Sensation.)
+
+Madame CLARA BUTT supported the protest, pointing out that, if the
+suggestion were acted on, her name would sound just like Tubb, which was
+that of a soprano vocalist. (Great sensation.)
+
+Professor GRANVILLE BANTOCK pleaded eloquently for calling in the
+glamour of the East to illuminate the drab monotony of our Anglo-Saxon
+surnames. He was quite ready to be known in future as Bantockjee or
+Bangkok, if the sense of the meeting was in favour of the change--always
+subject, of course, to the consent of Sir OLIVER LODGE, the Principal of
+Birmingham University. (Loud cheers.)
+
+Mr. DELIUS was strongly opposed to any change of nomenclature being made
+compulsory. He was quite sure that he would not compose nearly so well
+under, _e.g._, the alias of De Lara. In any case, artists should be
+safeguarded against the appropriation of their names by others.
+
+Mr. ALGERNON ASHTON (who was greeted with soft music on muted violins)
+deprecated all unseemly pranks. Nothing would induce him to change his
+patronymic or turn it upside down or inside out.
+
+Mr. LANDON RONALD expressed sympathy with musicians who were handicapped
+by cacophonous or undignified names. For example, a singer called
+Hewlett or Ball laboured under a serious disadvantage when competing
+with artistes blessed with melodious appellations such as Bellincioni or
+Sammarco.
+
+Mr. BEN DAVIES observed that Welsh singers wore terribly hampered by the
+poverty of their nomenclature. Two out of every three bore the surname
+Davies, and at least one in three of our Welsh male soloists was
+christened Ivor. Ivor was a good name in itself, but it was becoming
+terribly hackneyed.
+
+Mr. HENRY BIRD thought that all musicians should be at liberty to assume
+names provided they were appropriate. But for a composer to call himself
+Johann Sebastian Wagner was to court disaster. He ventured to submit the
+following list for the benefit of persons who contemplated making the
+change. For a soprano: Miss Hyam Seton. For a contralto: Miss Ritchie
+Plummer. For a tenor: Mr. Uther Chesterton. For a bass: Mr. Deeping
+Downer. For a pianist: Mr. or Miss Ivory Pounds. For a banjoist: Mr.
+Plunkett Stringer.
+
+Miss PHYLLIS LETT, in a brief speech, explained that her name was
+all-British and had no connection whatever with Lithuania.
+
+Ultimately, on the proposal of Lord HOWARD DE WALDEN, seconded by Mr.
+JOSEF HOLBROOKE, a small committee was appointed, consisting of Sir
+EDWARD ELGAR, Professor BANTOCK, Madame CLARA BUTT, Mr. BEN DAVIES and
+Sir HENRY WOOD, to enquire into the different proposals, and the meeting
+dispersed to the strains of "For he might have been a Rooshan."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The audience was divided into two sections; the Smith supporters
+     cheered every blow Wye landed as a point for their man, while Wye's
+     friends were equally enthusiastic on his behalf."--_Daily Mail._
+
+With the SMITH supporters behind us, and a SMITH referee, we are
+prepared to take on CARPENTIER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:_Mother._ "WELL, DARLING, DO YOU REMEMBER _ANYTHING_ THE
+CLERGYMAN SAID?"
+
+_Barbara._ "YES, MUMMY, I HEARD HIM SAY, 'HALF-PAST-SIX'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PUNCH" IN HIS ELEMENT.
+
+(_Modelled on the Opening Chorus of "Atalanta in Calydon."_)
+
+    Once in so many calendar spaces
+      _Punch_, appearing on All Fools' Day,
+    Fills with giggles the hours and graces,
+      Causes the hares of March to stay;
+        And the soft sweet hatters along the Strand
+        Remember the dreams of Wonderland,
+    And the chessboard world and the White King's faces,
+      The hamless commons and all the hay.
+
+    Come with loud bells and belabouring of bladder,
+      Spirit of Laughter, descend on the town
+    With tumbling of paint-pails from top of the ladder
+      And blowing of tiles from the stockbroker's crown;
+        Bind on thy hosen in motley halves
+        Over the rondure and curve of thy calves;
+    The night may be mad, but the morn shall be madder--
+      Madder than moonshine and madder than brown.
+
+    What shall I say to it, how shall I pipe of it,
+      Weave it what strains of ineffable things?
+    O that my Muse were a Muse with a gripe of it,
+      Engined with petrol and wafted by wings!
+        For the sorrows and sighings of winter are done,
+        And _Punch_ is appearing on April 1,
+    And a savour of daffodils clings to the type of it,
+      And the buttered balm of a crumpet clings.
+
+    For the merle and the mavis have joined with the "shover"
+      In drowning the day and the night with their din,
+    And all too soon the unwary lover
+      Is walking about in vestures thin;
+        And the "nuts" are buying their shirts of cotton,
+        And, cast into storage cold, forgotten,
+    From delicate necks they were wont to cover,
+      'Possum by 'possum, the stoles come in.
+
+    And soon is an ending of football rushes,
+      The hold that tackles a travelling heel;
+    And the front of the town with new fire flushes,
+      The paints that follow the paints that peel;
+        And the season comes with its gauds and gold
+        When the amorous plaints once more are told,
+    And the polished hoof of her partner crushes
+      The damsel's shoes in the ballroom reel.
+
+    And _The Times_ by day and _The News_ by night,
+      Fleeter of foot than the Fleet Street kid,
+    Shall hurry in motor-cars left and right
+      Saying what Kent and Yorkshire did;
+        And, stout as pillars of marble set,
+        The copper shall capture the suffragette,
+    And screen from peril and heave from sight
+      The maid pursuing, the Minister hid.
+
+    The P.C. comes with his maenad haul,
+      Her hatbrim tilted across her eyes;
+    The cricketer dips to the flying ball,
+      His white pants billowing round his thighs;
+        But thou, _Charivari_, week by week
+        Remaining (I take it) quite unique,
+    Shalt shake with laughter and pink them all
+        With points that puncture the vogue that flies.
+
+                                             EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THERE'S MANY A SLIP ..."]
+
+[Illustration: AT THE DRESS REHEARSAL OF THE NEW COMIC OPERA,
+"RESIGNATION" (AS PLAYED TWICE WEEKLY.)
+
+_Seelius._ "I am undone!" [_Thrusts sword beneath armpit and expires._
+
+_Actor-Manager._ "Capital! But try, if possible, to make it just a
+_leetle_ more convincing."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 23._--In arrangement for business of
+week to-day set apart for discussion of Naval Estimates. That meant a
+problematically useful, indubitably dull debate. As has been remarked
+before, it is the unexpected that happens in House of Commons. Since it
+adjourned on Friday portentous news came from Ireland, indicating
+something like revolt among officers of the Army stationed there for
+avowed purpose of backing up civil force in preservation of peace and
+order. Wholesale resignations reported.
+
+The very existence of the Army seemed at stake. Had mere business, such
+as the voting of over L50,000,000 for upkeep of Navy, been to the fore,
+benches would have been half empty. As it was, they were thronged. Over
+the crowded assembly hurtled that indescribable buzz of excitement that
+presages eventful action. The PREMIER and LEADER OF OPPOSITION appearing
+on the scene were severally greeted with strident cheers from their
+followers. PRINCE ARTHUR, the Dropped Pilot, at urgent entreaty
+returning to the old ship in time of emergency, enjoyed unique
+distinction of being cheered by both sides. Demonstration more eloquent
+than ordered speech.
+
+Questions over, SEELY read studiously prosaic statement of events
+leading up to resignations on the Curragh. Someone had blundered, or, as
+the SECRETARY FOR WAR, anxious above all things to avoid irritation,
+preferred to put it, "there had been a misunderstanding." All over now.
+Explanations forthcoming had smoothed out difficulty. Resignations
+tendered had been withdrawn. Familiar military command "As you were"
+obeyed.
+
+That all very well. Opposition, upon whom crowning mercy had fallen from
+beneficent heavens, naturally indisposed to treat unexpected boon in
+niggardly spirit. BONNER LAW insisted on business being set aside and
+opportunity provided for rubbing in the salt. Lively debate followed.
+Speeches delivered with difficulty through running stream of
+interruption. BYLES OF BRADFORD began it. Breaking in upon BONNER LAW'S
+speech with pointed question he was greeted with savage shout of "Sit
+down" that would have made the rafters ring, supposing there were any.
+Under existing circumstances the glass ceiling looked down
+compassionately, whilst BYLES, after remaining on his legs for what
+seemed a full minute, resumed his seat.
+
+Amid uproar that raged during succeeding four hours, SPEAKER, preserving
+a superb equanimity, rode upon the whirlwind and directed the storm.
+Whilst PREMIER was trying to make himself heard, HELMSLEY constantly
+interrupted. SPEAKER made earnest appeal to Members to listen in
+patience.
+
+"There will," he said, "be plenty of time afterwards for anyone to ask
+any question or to reply to any point."
+
+WINTERTON, ever ready to volunteer in the interests of order, asked
+whether JOHN WARD, seated opposite, had not sinned in same manner as
+HELMSLEY.
+
+"That is no reason why the noble lord should imitate him."
+
+"What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander," retorted
+WINTERTON. Left House in doubt which was which.
+
+Later SPEAKER dropped down on PAGE CROFT.
+
+"The hon. member," he said, "is not entitled to interrupt because some
+argument suddenly strikes him."
+
+House laughed at this piquant way of putting it. SARK recalls curious
+fact. 321 years ago the same dictum was framed in almost identical
+phrase. Essential difference was that it was the Speaker of the day who
+was rebuked. He was EDWARD COKE, whose connection with one LYTTELTON is
+not unfamiliar in Courts of Law. Appearing at bar of House of Lords at
+opening of eighth Parliament of ELIZABETH, which met 19th February,
+1593, SPEAKER submitted the petition, forthcoming to this day on opening
+of a new Parliament, asking for privilege of speech.
+
+"Privilege of speech is granted," said the LORD KEEPER on behalf of the
+QUEEN. "But you must know what privilege you have. _Not to speak
+everyone what he listeth, or what cometh into his brain to titter._"
+
+Eight o'clock struck before turmoil ceased and House got into Committee
+on Navy Estimates. In a twinkling over L15,000,000 sterling voted. That
+nothing to what straightway followed. Getting into Committee on Ways and
+Means, House voted some L68,000,000 on account of the services of the
+year.
+
+After this, House was counted out. In imitation of proverbial character
+of current month, having come in as a lion it went out like a lamb.
+
+_Business done._--Tumultuous debate on Ulster side-issue. Huge sums
+voted in Committee of Supply.
+
+_Tuesday._--Renewal of yesterday's excitement round action of certain
+officers of the Army in Ireland. SEELY promised to circulate in the
+morning all papers relating thereto. To members of county councils,
+parish councils, and the like obscure consultative bodies, it would seem
+reasonable to wait opportunity for studying papers before debating their
+contents. We have a better way at Westminster. Business set down was the
+Army Vote. SEELY explained that for financial reasons it was absolutely
+necessary money should be voted. Necessity admitted, this was done. But
+not till four hours had been occupied in inflaming talk. As for the vote
+for many millions, no time was left to talk about it. Accordingly agreed
+to without comment or criticism.
+
+AMERY struck note of Opposition criticism on Curragh affair by
+describing "how meanly the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR sneaked out of the
+position into which he so proudly strutted a few days ago." More of same
+genial kind of talk from benches near. But as debate went forward
+Members evidently became possessed of growing sense of gravity of
+situation.
+
+It was the Labour Members who effected the change. For first time in
+life of present Parliament they with united front took the lead at a
+grave national crisis, representing without bluster the vastness of the
+social and political force behind them. JOHN WARD in weighty speech
+brought down the real question from nights of personal animosity and
+party rancour. It was "whether the discipline of the Army is to be
+maintained; whether it is to continue to be a neutral force to assist
+the civil power; or whether in future the House of Commons, representing
+the people, is to submit its decisions for approval to a military
+junta.".
+
+Warned party opposite that, the latter principle adopted, there will be
+no picking and choosing. The private soldier has his conscience as well
+as the commissioned officer. In cases of industrial dispute Tommy Atkins
+would find in speeches made to-day by noble Lords and hon. Members
+justification for refusal to shoot down members of his own class with
+whose position he had conscientious sympathy.
+
+J. H. THOMAS, Organising Secretary of Amalgamated Society of Railway
+Servants, put this in briefer phrasing when he said, "General GOUGH may
+feel keenly the Ulster situation. Tommy Atkins will feel not less keenly
+the industrial situation." House listened in significant silence to
+illustration pointing the moral. In November next four hundred thousand
+railway men will come to grips with their employers. If they do not
+obtain satisfactory terms they may simultaneously strike.
+
+"If," their Secretary added, "the doctrine laid down by the Opposition
+in respect to Ulster is sound it will be my duty to tell the railwaymen
+to prepare for the worst by organizing their forces, the half million
+capital possessed by the union to be used to provide arms and ammunition
+for them."
+
+_Business done._--Ominous debate arising on Ulster question. Army Votes
+rushed through without discussion.
+
+_Wednesday._--Sudden dramatic change in strained situation. Turned out
+that SEELY'S guarantee to General GOUGH, accepted as satisfactory and
+followed by withdrawal of that officer's resignation, had not been fully
+brought to knowledge of the Cabinet. Learning of its concluding
+paragraphs only when yesterday he read type-written, copy of White Paper
+published this morning, PREMIER sent for SECRETARY FOR WAR and
+repudiated them. SEELY, acknowledging his error, tendered his
+resignation. PREMIER declined to accept it. In view of all the
+circumstances he "thought it would be not only ungenerous but unjust to
+take such action."
+
+This strange story, told in two chapters, the first contributed by WAR
+SECRETARY, the second by the PREMIER, listened to with strained
+attention by crowded House. There followed debate whose stormy course
+occasionally rose to heights exceeding those scaled on two preceding
+days.
+
+Only once was there manifestation of general hearty assent. Forthcoming
+when the PREMIER warmly protested against "unfair and inconsiderate
+attempts, not made on one side only, to drag into the discussion the
+name of the KING."
+
+"His Majesty," he added, amid burst of general cheering, "has from first
+to last observed every rule that comports with the dignity of the
+position of a constitutional sovereign."
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading of Consolidated Fund Bill, on which
+debate arose, carried by 314 against 222. Majority, 92.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUGGESTED DESIGN FOR CAR WHICH, BY A SIMPLE ARRANGEMENT
+OP MIRRORS, ENABLES THE SUPER-NUT TO DRIVE IN THE SPECIAL SUPER-NUTTY
+POSITION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRUEL KINDNESS.
+
+There was once a schoolboy who was caught fishing in forbidden waters.
+He knew that the penalty was a switching (old style), and his
+contemporaries were pleased to remind him of the fact. Five o'clock was
+the hour fixed for the interview. The boy was small for his age, but
+brainy. All day he studied how he might save his skin and disappoint his
+friends, and at 4.30 he repaired stealthily to his dormitory to make his
+plans. They consisted of a sheet of brown paper--all that remained,
+alas, of a home-made cake--two copies of _The Scout_ and a chest
+protector, which had been included in his outfit by a solicitious
+parent. By means of the fatal fishing line he attached the combined
+padding to his person, then, stiffly resuming his garments, knocked at
+the dread portal as the clock struck.
+
+The Head glanced down over his spectacles. The boy stood strangely
+erect, and his face was brave though pale. A cane lay on the table. The
+master's eye was sterner than his heart. His hand reached for the cane,
+but he replaced it in a drawer, and for twenty minutes the listeners in
+the corridor vainly pricked their ears for the accustomed sounds.
+
+"Well?" they inquired anxiously when the victim reappeared.
+
+"He only jawed me," replied the small boy; and he wept.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An "agony" in _The Daily Graphic_:
+
+     "Maud darling, did you see my last massage?... Ada."
+
+No, ADA, but she heard about it. Stick to it and you'll soon be down to
+twelve-stone-five again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "In the Italian Chamber, on the 12th instant, there was only a
+     majority of Bill. It is believed that the Giolitti Cabinet is
+     tottering.--_Ostasiatischer Lloyd._"
+
+     _North China Herald._
+
+Gulielmo's casting vote cannot save them every time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "On his motor-trip he never met any cat travelling either without
+     lights after dusk or on the wrong side of the road."
+
+     _Ceylon Observer._
+
+Our dogs may well learn a lesson from this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The bride carried a large bouquet of Harum lilies."--_South
+     Staffordshire Times._
+
+This sort has two stalks, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "WHY HAVE YOU PUT TWO HOT-WATER BOTTLES IN MY
+BED, BRIDGET?"
+
+_Bridget._ "SURE, MEM, WAN OF THIM WAS LEAKING, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH,
+SO I PUT BOTH IN TO MAKE SURE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ODD MAN.
+
+    Jones is a man who is too topsy-turvy;
+      Nothing is quite as it should be with Jones,
+    Angular just where he ought to be curvy,
+      Padded with flesh where he ought to have bones.
+
+    Jones is a freak who attends to the labours,
+      Small and domestic, that make up the home:
+    Pays all the calls and leaves cards on the neighbours,
+      Leaving his wife to be lazy at home.
+
+    Does up her dresses without saying, "Blow it";
+      Pays and forgets to say "Bother" or "Biff";
+    Asks her to scatter the money and go it,
+      Beams at her bills when the totals are stiff.
+
+    As for his daughters, he gives them their chances,
+      Rushes them round to reception and fete;
+    Takes them himself to their concerts and dances;
+      Always looks pleased when they want to stay late.
+
+    Then he has meals which would make you grow thinner,
+      Often absorbing with infinite glee
+    Sponge-cakes at breakfast and crumpets at dinner,
+      Whitstable oysters at five o'clock tea.
+
+    Next he loves laughter: that is, to be laughed at--
+      Every way's right for the man to be rubbed;
+    Grins when he's sneered at and jeered at and chaffed at;
+      Wriggles with pleasure whenever he's snubbed.
+
+    Fiction, in short, in a million disguises
+      Never created a crankier clod,
+    More unaccountably made of surprises,
+      More topsy-turvily fashioned and odd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CARPET SALES.
+
+(_In accordance with the current announcements of the leading West-End
+houses, and with no reference to Anglo-Russian diplomacy._)
+
+    Carpets of Persia fashioned on Orient looms--
+      Webs which the craftsman's hand with a patient cunning
+        Wrought through the perfect marriage of warp and woof--
+    Such as were laid, I imagine, in Bahram's rooms
+      Where (since their removal) the lion and lizard lie sunning,
+        And the ass, according to OMAR, stamps his hoof--
+    Are selling off cheap, it is stated, for money down:
+    _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_
+
+    Carpets of Persia! (None of your home-made stuffs!)
+      After long years on the loom and infinite labour,
+        Piled in bales on piratical Arab dhows
+    At Bunder Abbas, and brought by a crew of roughs
+      (Each looking more of a cut-throat rip than his neighbour)
+        Down Ormuz Strait through a series of storms and rows--
+    Surely they ought to be bargains in London Town?
+    _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_
+
+    Carpets of Persia! Though not, perhaps, one of the best,
+      Like those which adorn the Victoria and Albert Museum,
+        Yet, since you assert that you're selling authentic antiques,
+    I'd like to have one which the foot of a Caliph has pressed,
+      Or one where the wives of a Wazir (I fancy I see 'em)
+        Were wont to recline, curled up in their shimmering breeks,
+    Or one whereon foreheads were rubbed before mighty HAROUN--
+    _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A POLITICAL CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+     SIR,--It has been brought to my notice that at a meeting you
+     addressed recently in your constituency you referred to me, and in
+     the course of your remarks you said that I had employed in the
+     House of Commons the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical
+     hireling." May I ask you for your authority for this statement? I
+     can only hope that your reply will avoid any ambiguity, and for
+     your further enlightenment I may inform you that I am annoyed.
+
+     I am sure I am acting as you would wish me to do in sending a copy
+     of this letter to the Press.
+
+                                 Yours faithfully,
+                               N. Y. Z THOMSON-THOMSON.
+
+       A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
+
+
+     SIR,--How like you to read an inaccurate report of my speech! The
+     words I used--you will find them reported in _The Wastepaper
+     Gazette_ for that week--were as follows: "We must then take these
+     statements of Mr. Thomson-Thomson to be nothing but the blustering
+     artifice of _a_ rhetorical hireling." You will, I am sure,
+     appreciate the difference between the two versions. If you do not,
+     I may add that I am prepared to endorse the opinion expressed in
+     the accurate version and to raise the question in the House of
+     Commons at an early opportunity.
+
+     I am sending a copy, of this letter to the Press, as your reply
+     will doubtless be irrelevant.
+
+                                 Yours faithfully,
+                               A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
+
+       N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
+
+
+     SIR,--I have perused several reports of your speech, and with one
+     exception they all agree that the word "the" was used and not the
+     word "a." _The Wastepaper Gazette_, with which I think you are
+     identified, is the only one which has printed your version of the
+     speech, and I must therefore decline to accept your statement. Of
+     course had the indefinite article been used it would have destroyed
+     any ground for complaint. As you are attempting to evade the
+     serious issue between us I can only conclude that your methods
+     indicate the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical hireling."
+     Unless I hear from you to the contrary I shall always maintain this
+     view.
+
+     I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.
+
+                                      Yours truly,
+                                 N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.
+
+       A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
+
+
+     SIR,--My Secretary was much pained at your last letter. He has
+     informed me of its contents. I can only say that I am surprised
+     that a statesman of your undoubted ability should exhibit such
+     peculiar controversial methods.
+
+     The circumstances are not new. In 1911, in the House of Commons, I
+     find that I formulated the same opinion of you in substantially the
+     same words, yet no objection was then raised by you nor could any
+     objection have been so raised.
+
+     Since your election your attitude on every question has been
+     deplorable, and although I am of the opposite party I may say that
+     in this view I am in no sense actuated by party feeling. This is a
+     matter too serious for the bitterness of partisanship.
+
+     I repeat that in my opinion you have frequently employed the
+     blustering artifice of a rhetorical hireling.
+
+     Unless I hear from you within half-an-hour I shall send a copy of
+     this letter to the Press.
+
+                            Yours faithfully,
+                         A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
+
+     P.S.--Could you oblige me by letting me know who was the originator
+     of the phrase?
+
+       N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
+
+     SIR,--You have totally failed to substantiate the serious charges
+     you made against me, and I am sorry, for the sweetness of political
+     life, that you have not had the courage or the fairness to withdraw
+     them.
+
+     I am glad that we have been able to conduct this correspondence on
+     the courteous lines which have ever characterised our public
+     careers.
+
+     I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.
+
+                            Yours faithfully,
+                        N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.
+
+     P.S.--I do not know who was the author of the phrase. But I knew
+     _you_ couldn't be.
+
+       A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
+
+     SIR,--I have nothing to add to my last letter.
+
+                                 Yours truly,
+                           A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
+
+     P.S.--I purpose sending a copy of this letter to the Press.
+
+       N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some idea of last week's Parliamentary crisis may be gathered from the
+following poster:--
+
+          -------------
+          |  CABINET  |
+          | SENDS FOR |
+          |  FRENCH   |
+          -------------
+
+Our neighbours across the water were too busy with their own troubles to
+respond. Much better have sent for Germans. Their arrival might have
+pulled us together.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOP.
+
+(_Spring Thoughts by One In Trade._)
+
+    When the new Spring is drawing near
+      There always rises in my blood
+    A keen desire to see the year
+        Fresh opening in the bud.
+
+    From my tame task to wander free;
+      For one brief day to get me gone
+    To some sweet rural spot, and see
+        How things are getting on.
+
+    So, when a rising glass invites,
+      Off by the ready train I fare;
+    How sweet are all the country sights,
+        How fresh the country air!
+
+    Here every prospect has its charm;
+      On every side I find a spell;
+    There is a pleasure in a farm,
+        And (almost) in the smell.
+
+    'Tis sweet to see the pretty lambs,
+      To mark them as they frisk and jump,
+    Or nestle round their anxious dams,
+        So placid and so plump.
+
+    I hear the lark's ecstatic gush
+      From his clear ambush in the sky;
+    A blackbird (if it's not a thrush)
+        Sings from a wood hard by.
+
+    I climb towards an open lea
+      Whereon the goodly cattle browse,
+    And oh, it does me good to see
+        Such oxen and such cows.
+
+    And here and there an early calf
+      Staggers about with weakling frame;
+    It is a sight that makes me laugh;
+        I feel so glad I came.
+
+    The orchard with its early pink
+      (Cherry, I'm told) adorns the scene;
+    While the horse-chestnut (as I think)
+        Is well-nigh turning green.
+
+    So through the day I roam apart,
+      And bless the happy dawn of Spring,
+    Which thrills a butcher's homely heart
+        With such sweet visiting.
+
+    But soon the light begins to fade,
+      And I must quit these rural joys
+    To labour at my daily trade
+        Mid London's dust and noise.
+
+    Back to the buses and the trams,
+      To think on Spring's recurring boon,
+    Especially the calves and lambs:
+        They will be ready soon.
+
+                           DUM-DUM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Carpentier was getting to be a sorry sight at the finish. There
+     was hardly anything to indicate that Jeannette had been in a
+     15-round glove-fight."--_Times._
+
+     "All this Carpentier stood well, and quick as lightning at long
+     range cut the mulatto's face to bits."--_Morning Post._
+
+We think our contemporaries are carrying their rivalry with each other
+too far.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CRAZE FOR SALARIED OFFICIALS-SOME SUGGESTIONS.
+
+1 WHY NOT HAVE _CONTROLLERS OF CONVIVIALITY_ TO CHECK OVER-INDULGENCE IN
+EATING.
+
+2 AND DRINKING?
+
+3 OR _WARDENS OF REPUTATIONS_ TO SUPPRESS SCANDAL
+
+4 AND TITTLE-TATTLE?
+
+5 OR _CENSORS OF PHRASEOLOGY_ TO RESTRAIN BAD LANGUAGE?
+
+6 BUT BEST OF ALL, MAKE _EVERYBODY_ AN _INSPECTOR OF OFFICIALS_, SO THAT
+THE GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC CAN GET A LITTLE OF ITS OWN BACK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COUNTRY LIFE EXHIBITION.
+
+INTERESTING PROGRAMME.
+
+Arrangements have now been completed for holding at the Piscicultural
+Hall, Kensington, an exhibition, the aim of which is to impart
+instruction in the art of living in the country. Such assistance is of
+the highest value, since many persons otherwise capable enough are
+unable to manage rural ways at once or deal with even such ordinary
+difficulties as neighbours' visits, invitations to garden parties,
+dinners, &c., political confessions, the retention of servants, the
+lighting system, the Vicar's calls, and so forth.
+
+HOW TO KEEP SERVANTS.
+
+On this most difficult problem lectures will be given by a practised
+chatelaine. Various different makes of gramophones will be on view, with
+a list of tunes most acceptable to the servants'-hall. The maximum
+possible distance of the house from the nearest picture palace has been
+worked out from illuminating statistics. Useful hints about followers
+may also be gathered here.
+
+CHURCH.
+
+Not every one in the country goes to church, but none can escape
+acquaintance with the Vicar. Hints as to how to deal with him are freely
+offered, and a variety of excuses for non-attendance have been drawn,
+ranging from a headache to Quakerism. Also what to say when the Vicar
+meets you on Sunday morning with your clubs. A list of minimum
+subscriptions to all conceivable charities is on sale.
+
+LIGHTING.
+
+For country householders who are at present burning oil, but think they
+would like an illuminant made of petrol or acetylene, a lecture will be
+given by an expert, who will examine all the myriad plants on the market
+and offer his opinion as to the least unsatisfactory. Diagrams of
+gardeners' burns and other injuries in a failure to master the
+intricacies of the engine are a popular feature. Also phonograph records
+of what certain gardeners have said, in various dialects, when told to
+tackle the new light.
+
+COUNTRY INN SECTION.
+
+Everything necessary to the successful management of a country inn is on
+view here. Among the exhibits are a cup of coffee as prepared from
+coffee and a cup of coffee as served in a typical inn. By studying the
+two the inn-keeper may learn what is expected of him, and how to avoid
+the mistake of serving coffee in which any flavour of coffee persists.
+
+POLITICS.
+
+Here the settler in the country is on very delicate ground and in need
+of all his tact. As the exhibition lecturer will point out, he must,
+before avowing his own political creed, ascertain that of his
+landlord--particularly so if he has only a yearly tenancy. The chances
+are that the landlord is a Conservative. If the tenant is Conservative
+too, all is well; if the contrary--but we had better leave the details
+to the lecturer.
+
+NAMES OF FLOWERS.
+
+A well-known horticulturist has invented a system by which the names of
+flowers can be taught in the shortest possible time, especially as the
+flowers have been carefully selected to exclude all but the fashionable.
+After only two lessons the pupil is in a position to lead a visitor
+through the garden and casually and accurately enumerate every
+delphinium and climbing rose in it. Suitable adjectives to apply to
+flowers are also provided.
+
+DOGS.
+
+Models of the two chief different types of country house--those which
+the dogs may enter as they will, and those from which the dogs are
+excluded--are on view.
+
+WHERE TO LIVE.
+
+A lecturer who knows every inch of the country within a forty-mile
+radius of London will discourse at intervals on the respective merits of
+each popular district. A list of the principal residents in each will be
+available, together with a computation of the chances of a newcomer
+being called on by any ladies with a title. In order to make this
+department really efficient the intending new resident must of course
+give true particulars as to his or her social history. Districts where
+new residents who have been in trade, always excepting wine and the
+motor industry, are not called on, are carefully marked on a special
+Social map.
+
+TAXIS.
+
+A map of England, coloured to show where the tariff is 8_d._ a mile,
+9_d._ a mile, 10_d._ a mile, and 1_s._ a mile, has been prepared.
+
+RAILWAYS.
+
+A careful examination of the railways out of London has been made, with
+full particulars as to the speed of their trains, punctuality,
+cleanliness, warmth, week-end tickets and so forth. Also hints for doing
+the company by old hands. Also character sketches of the station-masters
+at all likely stations.
+
+AEROPLANES.
+
+In order that accidents due to falling airmen may be guarded against, a
+map has been designed for sale in the hall, showing those parts of the
+country over which flights are most common.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD CHINA.
+
+    Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo,
+    Let her do just what she wanted to do;
+    Made her processions with peacocky banners
+    In the most regal and lavish of manners.
+
+    Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo,
+    Was a magician who lived at Foo-choo.
+    Now if you possess a magician of cunning
+    Nothing you want should be out of the running.
+
+    Little Wun-lee had all sorts of things--
+    Fly-away carpets and vanishing-rings,
+    Djinn as her footmen, and gem-spraying fountains,
+    And lovely snow-leopards from ghost-haunted mountains.
+
+    Little Wun-lee, combing her hair,
+    Saw a blue butterfly float through the air--
+    Saw a blue butterfly flicker and settle
+    On an azalea's rosy pink petal.
+
+    Little Wun-lee said: "By the MINGS,
+    _That_ for your fly-away carpets and rings!
+    Peacocks and palanquins? Powers and dominions?
+    I'll have a pair of blue butterfly's pinions!"
+
+    "Little Wun-lee," answered Nang Poo,
+    "That's the one trick no magician can do;
+    Never did wizard of land, air or water
+    Magic blue wings on a little white daughter."
+
+    Little Wun-lee, dainty and dear,
+    Cried for a day and a week and a year--
+    Cried till she died of a Thwarted Ambition,
+    And nobody cared but Nang-Poo, the magician.
+
+    Little Wun-lee, little Wun-lee,
+    He buried her 'neath the azalea tree;
+    And the burnished blue butterflies flicker and hover,
+    And the rosy pink petals fall lightly above her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Bloodthirsty Critic.
+
+_The Nation_ on _Saint Augustin_, by LOUIS BERTRAND:
+
+     "The student of Church history will do well to take Dr. Bertrand's
+     Life."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Sportsman (on the way home after dinner)._ "HI!
+LOOK OUT WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"
+
+_Second Sportsman._ "LOOK OUT YOURSELF! YOU'RE DRIVING, AREN'T YOU?"
+
+_First Sportsman._ "NO, I THOUGHT YOU WERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I doubt if Messrs. ASQUITH, CHURCHILL, EDMOND, LLOYD GEORGE, or even
+Colonel SEELY have leisure these days for novel-reading, and, if they
+have, they might be reluctant to devote it to _The Ulsterman_
+(HUTCHINSON). It does not treat of their favourite subject and, so far
+from offering any solution of extant difficulties, adds yet another
+complication to the Home Rule question. Everything from revenue to
+religion having been discussed, no one but Mr. F. FRANKFORT MOORE has
+thought to deal with the love interest. What is to be done, the tale
+suggests, for the young lovers in the North whose families are loyal to
+different sovereigns? _Ned_ was the son of a stalwart, if somewhat
+snobbish, adherent of His Majesty KING GEORGE THE FIFTH; _Kate_ was the
+daughter of a would-be subject of the Divine DEVLIN, and things could
+never have gone well with them had it not been for the intervention of
+_Ned's_ uncle, who had been so long out of Ireland that he had ceased to
+cherish any keen feelings in the dispute, and had been so used by his
+brother in the past that he was only too glad of the opportunity of
+spiting him by getting his son married to a Papist. But there are other
+cases, where no such facilities are at hand, and, if Mr. MOORE'S picture
+is a true one, it must go hard with such couples. What is to be done for
+them? Are they to be told to wait six years and see? I hope not, for
+whatever they might see in the period could have no interest for them?
+This matrimonial difficulty is one, at any rate, which, as all must
+agree, even that reputed panacea, the General Election, cannot be
+expected to cure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I think I never met a book more "racily" written--in a special sense of
+the word--than _The Progress of Prudence_ (MILLS AND BOON). Horses and
+hounds play so large a part therein as almost to be the protagonists;
+certainly they are the chief influencing forces in the development of
+the heroine, from the day when she attempts to purchase one of the pack,
+under the impression that they are being exhibited for sale, to that
+other day, some time later, when her own entry finishes second in the
+Grand National. You will notice that _Prudence_ had progressed
+considerably during the interval. Her early ignorance was due to the
+fact that she had only just developed from a slum factory-girl into a
+landed proprietress. The father of _Prudence_ had been a miser; and,
+when he died in the attic where he and the girl had miserably lived, he
+left her a fortune, and instructions to spend it on real estate. So Mr.
+W. F. HEWER starts us on a pretty problem--how, in these circumstances,
+will _Prudence_ get on? Of course, she gets on excellently; and
+soon is as keen a rider to hounds and a judge of horseflesh as any
+in a neighbourhood where those accomplishments are held in high
+esteem. Equally of course there are men, nay lords, who fall under
+the spell of her attraction; but when I tell you that the
+groom-and-general-horse-master, whom _Prudence_ engaged, and under whose
+tuition she so prospered, was a gentleman who had seen better days, you
+will probably have already guessed the end of the tale. This is reached
+after some scenes of pleasant humour and sentiment, and after I don't
+know how many runs with hounds, given with a minuteness of detail that
+shows Mr. HEWER to be a practised master of his subject. The same remark
+applies to the various meetings at which _Prudence_ (surely a little
+oddly named?) sees her colours carried to victory. Altogether a
+stablesque romance that should appeal irresistibly to its own public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Mailing of Blaise_ is Mr. A. S. TURBERVILLE'S first novel, and it
+is easy to understand why Messrs. SIDGWICK AND JACKSON have drawn
+attention to this fact. For the work reveals a great ignorance of, or a
+supreme contempt for, the art of construction, and its theme is very
+hackneyed; but at the same time Mr. TURBERVILLE observes so keenly that
+I groan in the spirit when I think of so much labour misspent on a
+subject unworthy of his talent. Here we have a boy with the artistic
+temperament born into the house of one _Brown_, a Cheapside tailor with
+puritanical prejudices and the mind of a sparrow. He and his rather
+futile wife were enough to make anyone rebellious; but too much irony is
+spent upon them, and it would have been less difficult to sympathise
+with _Philip_ if his parents' point of view had been more fairly stated.
+After many domestic frictions the son rushes away from London and lives
+a Bohemian life (extremely well described) on the Continent, until he
+marries a delightful and penniless wife. All the marks for charm go to
+_Athenee_, unless a few of them can be spared for their child, _Blaise_,
+who had, or so it seems to me, great trouble in thrusting his way upon
+the scenes. _Philip_ and _Athenee_ were going to do great things for
+their son, but unfortunately both of them were killed while he was still
+a little child, and he had to be retrieved to the bosom of the _Brown_
+family. The change from freedom to rigorous conventionality did not suit
+poor _Blaise_, and I could not be very sorry when he annoyed most of the
+_Browns_ by catching measles and petrified all of them by not
+recovering. Still, he lived long enough to get his name into the title,
+though this, I feel, was a bit of favouritism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Way Home_, by BASIL KING (METHUEN), describes the spiritual
+wanderings of a New Yorker, _Charlie Grace_, destined for the ministry;
+rejecting it, because of his disillusionment through the practice of the
+professing Christians about him, in favour of a hunt for the money which
+alone he finds can earn respect; adopting in business the inverted
+Christian motto, "Down the other fellow before he downs you"; drifting
+in and out of loves clean and sordid; and finally, broken in health,
+discovering the way, through the bitterness of a deeper disillusionment,
+back to an estranged wife; and yet another way to somewhere near the
+faith of his childhood and the peace of resignation. Barely is so
+serious a theme treated by a novelist with such simplicity, sincerity
+and eloquent reticence. Nobody need fear the dulness known as "pi-jaw."
+The story is full of interest. The characterisation, extraordinarily
+careful and balanced, is conveyed not only in description but in the
+cleverly-constructed dialogue. It is part of the author's skill to
+represent _Hilda_, _Charlie's_ wife, with her charming reserve and
+dignity, as not a little difficult and exacting, and so to divide our
+sympathies fairly between the two. There are many other living
+characters, of which old _Remnant_, the sexton, with his queerly
+American business notions of religion and dislike of the "riff-raff," is
+too nicely absurd and human not to have been drawn from life. There is
+very good stuff indeed in this book, which seems to me in every way an
+advance upon _The Street Called Straight_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is all a matter of taste. If you like that sort of book you will like
+_The Great Attempt_ (MURRAY), for Mr. FREDERICK ARTHUR'S story is quite
+good of its kind. But what sort of a book is it? Well, on page 31 one
+character says to another character, "Now listen. Thou knowest that
+there is some mystery regarding the heir to the estate. He is said to be
+in hiding abroad. The truth is that they have cheated him out of his
+inheritance and he can't do anything until he finds his papers." And yet
+it is not entirely that sort of book, for Mr. ARTHUR is evidently a
+thoughtful student of history, and he has drawn quite a vivid picture of
+the events leading up to the battle of Culloden. His sympathies are on
+the side of the PRETENDER and his cause, and he can see nothing to
+approve of in the ranks of the Hanoverians. I am content to take his
+word for the rights and wrongs of the case. The whole matter leaves me a
+little cold. I have no actual grievance against the OLD PRETENDER,
+though BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE is one of my pet aversions; but I consider
+that enough fiction has been written about him already. In the matter of
+subjects for novels I should like to institute an _Index Expurgatorius_.
+It would contain the two PRETENDERS, the French Revolution, the American
+Civil War, NAPOLEON, and most of the other well-worn names and events of
+history, and would remove a powerful temptation from the path of the
+young author. Missing heirs in search of papers I do not so much mind.
+Indeed, I am on the whole fond of missing heirs. But missing heirs with
+an historical background make me tired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR CURIO CRANKS.
+
+_Enthusiast (to diner who has just told a good story)._ "WOULD YOU MIND
+REPEATING THAT? IT HAS BEEN SO WELL RECEIVED. I WISH TO ADD IT TO MY
+COLLECTION OF RECORDS OF GOOD THINGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Doing the Hat Trick in Two.
+
+     "H. S. O. Ashington, who won three events last year, was expected
+     to repeat the achievement yesterday. He figured in the hurdles,
+     high and long jumps, and if he had not taken the high jump, which
+     he won at 5ft. 8in., the probability is that he would have done the
+     hat trick. His initial exertions, however, told against his
+     hurdling."
+
+     _Daily News._
+
+Unfortunately the absence of them would have told still more against his
+high-jumping.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Dr. John A. Bassin performed a surgical operation at Poughkeepsie,
+     New York, on a boy whose heart was too weak to permit the use of an
+     anaesthetic, and who was lulled into unconsciousness by the strains
+     of 'Highland Fling.'"
+
+To make this story more credible the _Singapore Free Press_ heads it
+"DACOITS IN BURMA."
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+146, APRIL 1, 1914***
+
+
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