initial commit of ebook 22957HEADmain

60 files changed, 7262 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/22957-8.txt b/22957-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ec042a3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2153 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+April 14, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, April 14, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: October 11, 2007 [EBook #22957]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+*** Transcriber's Note: typo "thundebrolt" changed to thunderbolt on page
+267. The symbol + was used to bracket where text appeared upside down in
+the original. ***
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+Vol. 158.
+
+
+
+
+April 14, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"Hat-pins to match the colour of the eyes are to be very fashionable this
+year," according to a Trade journal. This should be good news to those
+Tube-travellers who object to having green hat-pins stuck in their blue
+eyes.
+
+       * * *
+
+Enterprise cannot be dead if it is really true that a well-known publisher
+has at last managed to persuade Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL to write a few words
+concerning the Labour Question.
+
+       * * *
+
+"I have never been knocked down by a motor omnibus," says Mr. JUSTICE
+DARLING. The famous judge should not complain. He must take his turn like
+the rest of us.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Never pull the doorbell too hard" is the advice of a writer on etiquette
+in a ladies' journal. When calling at a new wooden house the safest plan is
+not to pull the bell at all.
+
+       * * *
+
+"American bacon opened stronger yesterday," says a market report. If it
+opened any stronger than the last lot we bought it must have "gone some."
+
+       * * *
+
+Five golf balls were discovered inside a cow which was found dead last week
+on a Hertfordshire golf course. We understand that a certain member of the
+Club who lost half-a-dozen balls at Easter-time has demanded a recount.
+
+       * * *
+
+"An Englishman's place is by his own fireside," declares a writer in the
+Sunday Press. This is the first intimation we have received that
+Spring-cleaning is over.
+
+       * * *
+
+A serious quarrel between two prominent Sinn Feiners is reported. It
+appears that one accused the other of being "no murderer."
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Commercial Bribery and Tipping Review_, a new American publication,
+offers a prize of four pounds for the best article on "Why I believe
+barbers should not be tipped." The barbers claim that what they receive is
+not a tip, but the Price of Silence.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to an evening paper, crowds can be seen in London every day
+waiting to go into the pit. Oh, if only they were miners!
+
+       * * *
+
+"It is the last whisky at night which always overcomes me," said a
+defendant at the Guildhall. "A good plan," says a correspondent, "is to
+finish with the last whisky but one."
+
+       * * *
+
+The British Admiralty are offering two hundred and fifty war vessels for
+sale. This is just the chance for people who contemplate setting up in
+business as a new country.
+
+       * * *
+
+"A good tailor," says a fashion writer, "can always give his customer a
+good fit if he tries." All he has to do, of course, is to send the bill in.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. ALLDAY, a resident in Lundy Island for twenty years, who has just
+arrived in London, states that he has never seen a tax-collector. There is
+some talk of starting a fund with the object of presenting him with one.
+
+       * * *
+
+Dunmow workhouse is offered for sale. A great many people are anxious to
+buy it with the object of putting it aside for a rainy day.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Houndsditch firm has just had a telephone installed which was ordered six
+years ago. This, however, is not a record. Quite a number of instruments
+have been fitted up in less time than this.
+
+       * * *
+
+We understand that the thunderbolt which fell at Chester is not the one
+that the PREMIER intended to drop this month.
+
+       * * *
+
+Signor CAPRONI, lecturing in New York, says that aeroplanes capable of
+carrying five hundred passengers will shortly be constructed. We can only
+say that anybody can have our seat.
+
+       * * *
+
+Since _The Daily Express_ tirade against the officials of the Zoo visitors
+are requested not to go too near the Fellows.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The French army," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "will soon be all over."
+It does not say what; but if our late enemy continues the violation of the
+Peace Treaty the missing word should be "Germany."
+
+       * * *
+
+Birds, says _The Times_, are nesting in the plane-trees of Printing House
+Square. Some of the fledglings, we are informed, are already learning to
+whistle the familiar Northcliffe air, "LLOYD GEORGE Must Go," quite
+distinctly.
+
+       * * *
+
+The National Portrait Gallery, occupied by the War Office since 1914, has
+just been reopened. The rumour that a Brigadier-General who had eluded all
+attempts to evacuate him was still hanging about disguised as a portrait of
+Mrs. SIDDONS attracted a large attendance.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Corporation of Waterford has refused to recognise "Summer" time. One
+gathers that it is still the winter of their discontent down there.
+
+       * * *
+
+Sinn Feiners are now asking for the abolition of the Royal Irish
+Constabulary, and it is feared that, unless their request is granted, they
+may resort to violence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THOUGH THE MATERIAL, SIR, IS SOMEWHAT MORE EXPENSIVE, THE
+LEATHER BRACE HAS THE GREAT ADVANTAGE THAT IT LASTS FOR EVER; AND,
+MOREOVER, WHEN IT WEARS OUT IT MAKES AN EXCELLENT RAZOR-STROP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Mrs. ---- Requires useful Ladies' Maid, for Bath and country; only
+     ex-soldier or sailor need apply."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+A job that will obviously need a man of proved courage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WISDOM UP TO DATE--12TH EDITION.
+
+     [_The Times_ has announced, in two consecutive issues, that Mr. HUGH
+     CHISHOLM has retired from the control of its financial columns in
+     order to resume his editorship of the _Encyclopædia Britannica_. One
+     seems here to catch a faint echo of the proprietary booming of the
+     10th Edition by _The Times_ and Mr. HOOPER. The present publishers are
+     the Cambridge University Press.]
+
+  It is a common object of remark
+    How many things in life are periodic,
+  Some punctual (like the nesting of the lark,
+    Or Derby-day), and others more spasmodic,
+  Recurring loosely when the hour is ripe;
+  And here I sing a sample of the latter type.
+
+  Nine years have coursed with their accustomed speed
+    Since England hailed its previous apparition,
+  Since every man and woman who could read,
+    Wanting the nearest way to erudition,
+  Bought as an ornament of her (or his) home
+  The monumental masterpiece of Mr. CHISHOLM.
+
+  Much has occurred meanwhile of new and strange;
+    _E.g._, in matters purely scientific
+  Great Thinkers, eager to enlarge our range,
+    Have (on the lethal side) been most prolific;
+  Ten tomes would scarce contain what might be said on
+  Their contributions to the recent Armageddon.
+
+  What wonder if the Editor forsakes
+    The conduct of _The Times'_ financial pages?
+  An even weightier task he undertakes
+    Than to report on bullion; he engages
+  To let us know, by 1922,
+  All things (or more) that anybody ever knew.
+
+  Why should he care if Oil-cakes fall or jump?
+    He has the Total Universe for oyster;
+  Yankees may yield a point or Rubbers slump,
+    Yet not for such things shall his eye grow moister,
+  Save when, by force of habit, he admits
+  "A heavy tendency to-day in Ency. Brits."
+
+  Could but _The Times_ revive its ancient part,
+    Repeat its famous turn of dollar-scooping!
+  O memories of the urgent boomster's art,
+    And that persistent noise of HOOPER whooping,
+  Down to the Last Chance and the Closing Door,
+  And then the Absolutely Last, and then some more!
+
+  Those shrill appeals to get the Work TO-DAY
+    (With the superb revolving fumed-oak garage)--
+  How well they followed up their fearful prey
+    Till the massed thunders of the final barrage
+  Such pressure on your tympanum would bring
+  That you could bear no more, and _had_ to buy the thing.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Giant's Robe--Cheap.
+
+     "FOR SALE.--Superior Dress Suit, 37 chest, City made, silk facings and
+     lining, worn twice, no further use, suitable for individual 7 ft. 8
+     in. Price 4 guineas."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "PAYING GUESTS WANTED--From 1st June, married couple with no children;
+     also at once, single married lady or gentleman for three single rooms
+     or one single married couple."--_Indian Paper._
+
+To be in keeping with the inhabitants the house, no doubt, is
+"semi-detached."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "250 WORDS.                     TWO GUINEAS.
+             THE YOUNG WIFE'S ALLOWANCE."
+
+     _Daily Paper._
+
+The young husband who tries to get off for two guineas will find that the
+young wife regards two hundred and fifty words as entirely inadequate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SUPER-PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.
+
+The meagre and tantalizing report of Lord Northsquith's great journey
+through Spain and North Africa which has been issued through Reuter's
+agency has stimulated but not allayed curiosity. It is therefore with
+unfeigned pleasure that we are able to supplement this jejune summary with
+some absolutely authentic details supplied us by a Levantine detective of
+unimpeachable veracity who shadowed the party.
+
+Of the journey through Spain he has little to say. Lord Northsquith
+attended a bull-fight at Seville, at which an extraordinary incident
+occurred. At the moment when the distinguished visitor entered the ring and
+was taking his seat in the Royal Box, the bull, a huge and remarkably
+ferocious animal, suddenly threw up its hind legs and, after pawing the air
+convulsively for a few seconds, fell dead on the spot. No reason could be
+assigned for this rash act, which caused a very painful impression, but it
+is a curious fact that it synchronized exactly with the issue of the
+special edition of the Seville evening _Tarántula_, with the placard
+"Strange behaviour (_extravagancia_) of the British Prime Minister."
+
+At a subsequent interview with Count ROMANONES, Lord Northsquith was
+reluctantly obliged to confirm the statement that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was
+still under the impression that the Spanish Alhambra was a late replica of
+a theatre in London, but begged him not to attach undue importance to the
+misapprehension.
+
+The tour in Morocco was not attended by any specially untoward incidents,
+but at Marrakesh a group of Berbers evinced some hostility, which was
+promptly converted into effusive enthusiasm on their learning that Lord
+Northsquith was not of Welsh origin. Similar assurances were conveyed to
+the sardine-fishers of the coast, with beneficial results. The Pasha of
+Marrakesh expressed the hope that Lord Northsquith was not disappointed
+with the Morocco Atlas, and the illustrious stranger wittily rejoined, "No,
+but you should see my new morocco-bound _Times_ Atlas." When the remark was
+translated to the Pasha he laughed very courteously.
+
+Always interested in the relics of the mighty past Lord Northsquith made a
+special trip to the East Algerian Highlands to visit Timgad, and spent
+several minutes in the _tepidarium_ of the Roman baths. It was understood
+from the expression of his features that he was profoundly impressed by the
+superiority of the arrangements over those contemplated by the Coalition
+Minister of Health in the new bath-houses to be erected in Limehouse.
+
+Lastly the tour included a flying visit to Carthage. The French
+archæologists in charge of the excavations had recently dug up a colossal
+statue of HANNIBAL, and the resemblance to Lord Northsquith was so
+extraordinary that many of them were moved to transports of delight. They
+were however unanimous in their conviction that the deplorable state of the
+ruins was largely, if not entirely, due to Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S ignorance of
+Phoenician geography.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Startling Disclosure.
+
+From "Answers to Correspondents" in a Canadian Paper:
+
+     "Q.--Is it not a fact, that all of Lipton's challengers were built
+     stronger and heavier than the American cup defenders, to enable them
+     to cross the Atlantic?--A. D. B., Montreal.
+
+     A.--Yes, they were built stronger as they had to cross the ocean under
+     their own steam."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Serious injuries were sustained by ----, aged 54, while assisting in
+     discharging cargo. Shortly before one o'clock, it is stated, a cheese
+     struck him and knocked him down."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We have always maintained that these dangerous creatures should not be
+allowed to run loose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "WITHDRAWAL" FROM MOSCOW.
+
+CHORUS OF HALF-REVOLUTIONISTS SUPPORT MESSRS. SNOWDEN AND RAMSAY MACDONALD
+BY SINGING "THE RED (BUT NOT TOO RED) FLAG."
+
+[The Independent Labour Party by a large majority has voted in favour of
+withdrawing from the Moscow Internationale.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TENNIS PROSPECTS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITTLE BITS OF LONDON.
+
+THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+The guide-books have a good deal to say about the Houses of Parliament, but
+the people who write guide-books never go to the really amusing places and
+never know the really interesting things. For instance they have never yet
+explained what it is that the House of Commons smells of. I do not refer to
+the actual Chamber, which merely smells like the Tube, but the lofty
+passages and lobbies where the statues are. The smell, I think, is a
+mixture of cathedrals and soap. It is a baffling but rather seductive
+smell, and they tell me that the policemen miss it when they are
+transferred to point-duty. Possibly it is this smell which makes
+ex-Premiers want to go back there.
+
+But let us have no cheap mockery of the Houses of Parliament, because there
+is a lot to be said for them. They are much the best houses for
+hide-and-seek I know. The parts which are dear to the public, the cathedral
+parts, are no good for that, but behind them and under them and all round
+them there are miles and miles of superb secret passages and back
+staircases, the very place for a wet afternoon. They are decorated like
+second-class waiting-rooms and lead to a lot of rooms like third-class
+waiting-rooms; and at every corner there is a policeman; but this only adds
+to the excitement. Besides, at any moment you may blunder into some very
+secret waiting-room labelled "Serjeant-at-Arms."
+
+If you are seen by the SERJEANT-AT-ARMS you have lost the game, and if you
+are seen by a Lord of the Treasury I gather from the policemen that you
+would be put in the Tower. Or you may start light-heartedly from the
+Refreshment Department of the House of Commons and find yourself suddenly
+in the bowels of the House of Lords, probably in the very passage to the
+LORD CHANCELLOR'S Secretary's Room.
+
+Still, there is no other way for Private Secretaries to take exercise and
+at the same time avoid their Members without actually leaving the building,
+so risks of that sort have to be faced.
+
+While the Private Secretary is playing hide-and-seek in the passages and
+purlieus his Member waits for him in the Secretaries' Room. The
+Secretaries' Room is the real seat of legislation in this country, and it
+is surprising that Mr. BAGEHOT gave it no place in his account of the
+Constitution. It is also surprising, in view of its importance, that it
+should be such a dismal, ill-furnished and thoroughly mouldy room. It is a
+rotten room. Mr. ASQUITH, when a Private Secretary, is reported to have
+said of it, "In the whole course of my political career I can recall no
+case of administrative myopia at all parallel to the folly or ineptitude
+which has condemned the authors of legislation in His Majesty's Parliament
+to discharge their functions in this grotesque travesty of a legislative
+chamber, this sombre and obscure repository of mouldering archives and
+forgotten records, where the constructive statesmen of to-morrow are
+expected to shape their Utopias in an atmosphere of disillusion and decay,
+in surroundings appointed to be the shameful sepulchre of the nostrums of
+the past." If that is what Mr. ASQUITH said, I agree with him; if he didn't
+say it, I wish he had.
+
+The room is pitch-dark always, and it is full of tables and tomes. The
+tables are waiting-room tables and the tomes are as Mr. ASQUITH has
+described them. It is divided into two by a swing-door. One part is the
+female Private Secretary part, the other is the male Private Secretary
+part, and it is lamentable to record that no romance has ever occurred
+between a male Private Secretary and a female one.
+
+The room is plentifully supplied with House of Commons' stationery, which
+disappears at an astonishing rate. This is because the Members come in and
+remove it by the gross, knowing full well that the SERJEANT-AT-ARMS will
+suspect the Private Secretaries. It is a hard world.
+
+However, this is where the Members come to their Private Secretaries for
+instructions. They come there nominally to dictate letters to their
+constituents, but really they come to be told what amendments to move and
+what questions to ask and what the Drainage Bill is about, and whether they
+ought to support the Dentist Qualification (Ireland) (No. 2) Bill, or not.
+It is awful to think that if the Private Secretaries downed tools the whole
+machinery of Parliament would stop. No questions would be asked and no
+amendments moved and no speeches made. The Government would have things all
+their own way. Unless, of course, the Government's Private Secretaries
+struck too. But of course the Government's Private Secretaries never would,
+the dirty blacklegs!
+
+After the Secretaries' Room perhaps the most interesting thing in the two
+Houses is the House of Lords sitting as the Supreme Court. Everybody ought
+to see that. There is a nice old man sitting in the middle in plain clothes
+and several other nice old men in plain clothes sitting about on the
+benches, with little card-tables in front of them. Two or three of them
+have beards, which is against the best traditions of the Law. But they are
+very jolly old men, and now and then one of them sits up and moves his
+lips. You can see then that he is putting a sly question to the barrister
+who is talking at the counter, though you can't hear anything because they
+all whisper. While the barrister is answering, another old man wakes up and
+puts a sly question, so as to confuse the barrister. That is the game. The
+barrister who gets thoroughly annoyed first loses the case.
+
+They have quite enough to annoy them already. They are all cooped up in a
+minute pen about eight feet square. There are eight of them, four K.C.'s
+and four underlings. They have nowhere to put their papers and nowhere to
+stretch their legs. They sit there getting cramp, or they stand at the
+counter talking to the old men. In either position they grow more and more
+annoyed. Four of them are famous men, earning thousands and thousands. Why
+do they endure it? Because lawyers, contrary to the common belief, are the
+most long-suffering profession in the world. That is why they are the only
+Trade Union whose members have only half-an-hour for lunch. Well, it is
+their funeral; but if I were a K.C. sitting in that pen, with the whole of
+the House of Lords empty in front of me, I should get over the counter and
+walk about. Then the LORD CHANCELLOR might have a fit; and that alone would
+make it worth while.
+
+The only other interesting place in the Houses of Parliament is the
+Strangers' Dining Room. This is interesting because the Members there are
+all terrified lest you should hear what they are going to say. They never
+know who may be at the next table--a journalist or a Bolshevist or a
+landowner--and they talk with one eye permanently over their shoulder. It
+must be very painful.
+
+But of course the best time to visit the House is when it is not sitting,
+because then, if you are lucky, you may sit with impunity on the Front
+Bench and put your feet up on the table. If you are unlucky you will be
+shot at dawn.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Excitable Tenor_ (_during dispute about the bill_). "BUT,
+MY FRIEND, YOU NOT KNOW ME WHO I AM--NO? I AM SPOFFERINO. TO-NIGHT I SING
+AT ZE OPERA--'BUTTERFLY.'"
+
+_Waiter_ (_unimpressed_). "UM--YOU _LOOK_ LIKE A BUTTERFLY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+         "----'S BOOTS
+           HAVE BEEN
+     IN EVERYBODY'S MOUTH."
+
+     _Advt. in Local Paper._
+
+We fear the advertiser has put his foot in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LABOUR AND THE RUSSIAN BALLET.
+
+I wasn't present at the station when Madame PAVLOVA arrived in London,
+bringing with her, as I have been assured by six different newspapers, no
+fewer than three hundred and eighty-five pieces of luggage. But I have
+seen, thanks to Sir J. M. BARRIE, the transformation which a Russian _prima
+ballerina_ makes in an English country home, so I happen to know exactly
+what occurred. I think it deserves to be recorded. Very well then.
+
+     SCENE--_A Metropolitan railway terminus, though you wouldn't perhaps
+     recognise it, because it looks a little like the interior of a Greek
+     cathedral and a little like the fair at Nijni Novgorod, and the
+     posters have obviously been painted by_ Mr. WYNDHAM LEWIS _or somebody
+     like that. One porter is discovered leaning against an automatic sweet
+     machine designed by an Expressionist sculptor. He is wearing a long
+     mole-coloured smock, and looking with extreme disfavour at his
+     luggage-truck, which has somehow got itself painted bright blue and
+     green, with red wheels. Music by_ J. H. Thomaski.
+
+     [_Enter L., puffing slowly, the boat-train. The engine and carriages
+     resemble Early-Victorian prints._ Madame PAVLOVA _descends, and in a
+     very expressive dance conveys to the_ Porter _that she has one or two
+     trunks in the guard's van which she wants him to convey to a taxicab_.
+
+_Porter._ 'Ow many is there, lady?
+
+     [PAVLOVA _pirouettes a little more and points three hundred and
+     eighty-five times at the station-roof with her right toe_.
+
+_Porter._ Can't be done nohow.
+
+     [PAVLOVA _dances a dance indicative of absolute and heartrending
+     despair, terminating in an appeal to the heavens to come to her aid.
+     Enter R. an important-looking personage with a long white beard,
+     wearing a costume which might be, called a commissionaire's if it
+     wasn't so like a harlequin's._
+
+_Porter_ (_impressively and with evident relief_). The Stazione Maestro!
+
+_The Stazione Maestro._ What's all this?
+
+     [PAVLOVA _dances an explanation of the_ impasse. _The_ S.-M. _and the_
+     Porter _remove their caps and scratch their heads solemnly, to slow
+     music_.
+
+_The S.-M._ (_after deep cogitation_). This must be referred to the N.U.R.
+
+     [_Enter suddenly, R. and L., dancing, the Central Executive Committee
+     of the N.U.R. There is thunder and lightning._ PAVLOVA _repeats her
+     appeal. The_ C.E.C. _confabulate. The_ Chairman _finally announces
+     that the thing is entirely contrary to the principles of their Union,
+     and if the_ Station-master _permits it he must take the consequences.
+     The_ C.E.C. _disappear_.
+
+_The S.-M._ What about it, Bill?
+
+_Porter._ We'll do it. (_He dances._) Here goes, Mum.
+
+     [_Enter, suddenly, chorus of porters with multi-coloured trucks.
+     (They are the same as the_ C.E.C. _really, but they have changed
+     their clothes.) Aided by the_ S.-M. _and_ Bill _they remove the
+     three hundred and eighty-five packages, and wheel them, walking on
+     their toes, to the station exit, R. Here is seen a taxicab whose
+     driver is wrapped in profound meditation and smoking a hookah, the
+     bowl of which rests on the pavement. It is represented to him that a
+     lady with some luggage desires to charter his conveyance and proceed
+     to Hampstead. He comes forward to the centre and explains:_
+
+     _1. That it is near the dinner-hour._
+
+     _2. That he has no petrol._
+
+     _3. That he wouldn't do it for_ LLOYD GEORGE _hisself_.
+
+     _He retires to his vehicle and resumes his hookah._ PAVLOVA _dances
+     some dances expressive of Spring, of Butterflies, of Flowers, of
+     Unlimited Gold. In the midst of the final passage the driver leaps
+     from his seat, rushes on to the platform, jumps three hundred and
+     eighty-five times into the air, whirls_ PAVLOVA _off her toes and
+     dashes from side to side, carrying her in one hand. He finally flings
+     her into the taxicab and returns to his seat. The luggage is piled
+     upon the roof by dancing porters and tied with many-coloured ribbons.
+     The taxi departs in a cloud of petrol, the driver steering with his
+     toes and manipulating the clutches with his hands. Farewells are waved
+     and finally, surrounded by the rest of the porters, the_ Station
+     Master _and_ Bill _dance a dance of Glad Sacrifice, stab themselves
+     with their hands, and die_.
+
+CURTAIN OF SMOKE.
+
+Mind you, as I said at the beginning, I wasn't there myself, but I helped
+to steer three boxes to the seaside during the Easter holiday without the
+blandishments of Art. So I know something.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LABUNTUR ANNI.
+
+TO A CHITAL HEAD ON THE WALL OF A LONDON CLUB.
+
+  Light in the East, the dawn wind singing,
+    Solemn and grey and chill,
+  Rose in the sky, with Orion swinging
+    Down to the distant hill;
+  The grass dew-pearled and the _mohwa_ shaking
+    Her scented petals across the track,
+  And the herd astir to the new day breaking--
+    Gods! how it all comes back.
+
+  So it was, and on such a morning
+    Somebody's bullet sped,
+  And you, as you called to the herd a warning,
+    Dropped in the grasses dead;
+  And some stout hunter's heart was brimming
+    For joy that the gods of sport were good--
+  With a lump in his throat and his eyes a-dimming,
+    As the eyes of sportsmen should;--
+
+  As mine have done in the springtime running,
+    As mine in the halcyon days
+  Ere trigger-finger had lapsed from cunning
+    Or foot from the forest ways,
+  When I'd wake with the stars and the sunrise meeting
+    In the dewy fragrance of myrrh and musk,
+  Peacock and spurfowl sounding a greeting
+    And the jungle mine till dusk.
+
+  You take me back to the valleys of laughter,
+    The hills that hunters love,
+  The sudden rain and the sunshine after,
+    The cloud and the blue above,
+  The morning mist and creatures crying,
+    The beat in the drowsy afternoon,
+  Clear-washed eve with the sunset dying,
+    Night and the hunter's moon.
+
+  Not till all trees and jungles perish
+    Shall we go back that way
+  To those dear hills that the hunters cherish,
+    Where the hearts of the hunters stay;
+  So you dream on of the ancient glories,
+    Of water-meadows and hinds and stags,
+  While I and my like tell old, old stories ...
+    Ah! but it drags--it drags.
+
+  H. B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "MATRIMONY.
+
+     Accountant would write up Books, also Tax Returns; moderate charges."
+
+     _Liverpool Paper._
+
+This is much more delicate than the usual crude stipulation that the lady
+must have means.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+A NEO-GEORGIAN TRIES TO MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Art Patron_ (_who has heard something about a Modern
+Movement_). "NOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL ME THAT'S A VALUABLE BIT OF WORK?
+WHY, HANG IT ALL, I CAN RECOGNISE THE PLACE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PEACE WITH HONOUR.
+
+This is the story of Mr. Holmes, the Curate, and of how he brought peace to
+our troubled house. The principal characters are John, my brother-in-law,
+and Margery, my unmarried sister, and, at the bottom of the programme, in
+large letters, Mr. Holmes, the Curate. I have a small walking-on part. The
+story will now commence.
+
+John and Margery went out for a walk in the beautiful Spring sunshine as
+friendly as friendly. They came back three hours later--well, Cecilia (his
+wife) and I heard them at least two villages away.
+
+They both rushed into the room covered with mud and shouting at the tops of
+their voices.
+
+"Cecilia," roared John, "order this girl out of my house. She shan't stay
+under my roof another hour."
+
+"Cecilia," shrieked Margery, "he's an obstinate ignorant wretch, and thank
+Heaven he isn't _my_ husband."
+
+I put a cushion over my head.
+
+Cecilia kept hers.
+
+"If you will both go out of the room," she said, "take off your filthy
+boots and come back in your right minds and decent clothing I'll try to
+understand what you are both talking about."
+
+They crawled out of the room abjectly and I came out into the open once
+more.
+
+"Good Lord! What a family to be in!" I said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Cecilia," said John at tea, "harking back to the question of Hairy
+Bittercress----"
+
+"Hazel Catkin," said Margery.
+
+"What on earth----?" began Cecilia.
+
+"I'll tell her," said Margery quickly. "Cecilia, we had a competition this
+afternoon, seeing who could find most signs of Spring. Well, I found a bit
+of Hazel Catkin----"
+
+"Hairy Bittercress," said John.
+
+"I tell you----" went on Margery.
+
+"If you will calm yourself," interrupted John with dignity, "we will
+discuss the point."
+
+"There's nothing to discuss. What do you know about botany, I'd like to
+know?"
+
+"My dear child," said John, "when you were an infant-in-arms, nay, before
+you existed at all, it was my custom to ramble o'er the dewy meads,
+plucking the nimble Nipplewort and the shy Speedwell. I breakfasted on
+botany."
+
+"Talking of botany," I broke in "there was a chap in my platoon----"
+
+John groaned loudly.
+
+"Do you suggest," I asked, "that he was not in my platoon?"
+
+"I suggest nothing," he answered; "I only know that they can't all have
+been in your platoon."
+
+"All who, John?" asked Cecilia.
+
+"All the chaps he tells us about. Haven't you noticed, since he came home,
+it's impossible to mention any type or freak or extraordinary individual
+that wasn't like somebody in his platoon? It must have been about five
+thousand per cent. over strength."
+
+"I treat your insults with contempt," I said, "and proceed with my story.
+This chap had the same affliction that has taken Margery and yourself. He
+spent his life searching for specimens of the Bingle-weed and the
+five-leaved Funglebid. At bayonet-drill he would stop in the middle of a
+'long-point, short-point, jab' to pluck a sudden Oojah-berry that caught
+his eye. In the end his passion got him to Blighty."
+
+"How?" asked Margery.
+
+"Well," I continued, "it was the morning of the great German attack. My
+friend--er--I will call him X--and myself were retiring on the village
+of--er--Y, followed by about six million Germans. Shots were falling all
+round us, when suddenly X saw a small wild flower at his feet. He bent down
+to pick it up and--er----"
+
+"That is quite enough, Alan," said Cecilia.
+
+"That is all, Cecilia," I said; "that is how he got to Blighty."
+
+"We will now proceed with the subject in hand," said John after a moment's
+silence. He produced a small crushed piece of green-stuff from his pocket.
+
+"The question before the house is, as we used to say in the Great War,
+'_Qu'est-ce-que c'est que ceci?_' Any suggestions that it is of the Lemon
+species will be returned unanswered. For my part I say it is Hairy
+Bittercress."
+
+"And I say it's Hazel Catkin," said Margery.
+
+"And what says Hubert the herbalist?" asked John, handing the weed to me.
+
+I examined it carefully through the ring of my napkin.
+
+"Well," I said, "speaking largely, I should say it is either Mustard or
+Cress, or both as the case may be."
+
+I was howled down and retired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We heard lots of the weed during the next few days. Each morning at
+breakfast it sprouted forth as it were.
+
+"And how is the Great Unknown?" I would ask.
+
+"The Hairy Bittercress is thriving, we thank you," John would answer.
+
+"Hazel Catkin," Margery would throw out.
+
+"Catkin yourself," from John, and so on _ad lib_.
+
+They kept it carefully in a small pot in the window, and if one looked at
+it the other watched jealously for foul play.
+
+"On Saturday," said John, "the Curate is coming to tea. He is a man of
+wisdom and a botanist to boot--or do I mean withal? On Saturday the Hairy
+Bittercress shall be publicly proclaimed by its rightful name."
+
+"Which is Hazel Catkin," said Margery.
+
+Saturday came and Saturday afternoon, and, about three o'clock, the Curate.
+I saw him coming and met him at the door.
+
+"Good afternoon, Mr. Holmes," I said. "You come to a house of bitterness
+and strife. Walk right in."
+
+"Indeed I trust not," he said.
+
+"Come with me," I replied; "I will tell you all about it." And I led him on
+tip-toe to a quiet spot.
+
+"Mr. Holmes," I said, "you know the family well. We have always been a
+happy loving crowd, have we not?"
+
+"Indeed you have," he said politely.
+
+"Well," I continued, "a weed has split us asunder. My brother-in-law and my
+younger sister are on the point of committing mutual murder."
+
+I explained the whole situation and drew a harrowing picture of its effect
+on our family life. "Unless you help us," I said, "this Hazel Catkin or
+Hairy Bittercress will ruin at least four promising young lives."
+
+"But I hardly see how I am to----" began Mr. Holmes.
+
+I told him what to do.
+
+"But surely," he said, "they will know better than that."
+
+"No, they won't," I said. "Neither of them knows anything about it, really.
+Come, Mr. Holmes, it is for a good cause."
+
+"Very well," he said. "Perhaps the end justifies the means. We will see
+what we can do."
+
+"Good man," I said. "Children unborn will bless your name for this day's
+work."
+
+I took him to the dining-room, where Margery and John were sitting.
+
+"Here is Mr. Holmes," I said.
+
+They both made a dash at him.
+
+"Mr. Holmes," said John, "we seek your aid. You have a wide and deep
+knowledge of geography--that is botany, and you shall settle a problem that
+is ruining my home."
+
+"Certainly I will do my best," said Mr. Holmes. And then without a blush:
+"What is the problem, may I ask?"
+
+"We have found a piece of----" began John.
+
+"Don't tell him," shrieked Margery. "Let him see for himself."
+
+They fetched the weed and handed it reverently to the Curate.
+
+Mr. Holmes looked at it carefully. He breathed on it and moistened it with
+his finger. At last he looked up.
+
+"This is a very rare specimen indeed," he said; "I never remember to have
+seen one quite like it. It is in fact a hybrid." He stopped and beamed at
+us.
+
+"What's it _called_?" shrieked Margery and John together.
+
+Mr. Holmes chose his words carefully.
+
+"It is called," he said, "Hairy Catkin."
+
+There was a pause while Margery and John gazed at each other.
+
+"'Hairy Catkin,'" said John solemnly.
+
+"Then--then we're both right!" said Margery.
+
+They looked at each other again and then did the only thing possible in the
+circumstances. Each fell on the other's neck.
+
+Mr. Holmes and I shook hands silently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GET UP, DEAR, AND GIVE YOUR SEAT TO THIS LADY. REMEMBER YOU
+LOSE NOTHING BY BEING POLITE."
+
+"OH, DON'T I? I LOSE MY SEAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Wool Shortage.
+
+     "Blankets, guaranteed all wood."
+
+     _Provincial Paper._
+
+     "Antique Carved Ebony Carpet."
+
+     _Another Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Within there is the delicious scent of burning logs, and all the
+     fragrance of only a 1-1/2_d._ stamp."--_Daily Paper._
+
+We have tasted the backs of these stamps--a delicious bouquet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Berwick Guardians on Euesday favour-tarining in Ireland, was more
+     able to deal receive their vates. The candidate, Mr. D. +opinion. The
+     ballot for position of places+ accompanied feastings and
+     jollification, and sentation what elections were like in the the
+     business of auctioneer."
+
+     _North-Country Paper._
+
+Portions of the paragraph are not too clear, but we should say there was no
+doubt about the jollification.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STAGE AMENITIES.
+
+"HELLO, CISSIE! SO YOU'RE ASSISTING AT DAISY DARLINT'S BENEFIT TOO?"
+
+"YES--THE CAT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHIPPO'S SCENARIO.
+
+(_With the British Army in France._)
+
+It was the Société Grand Guignol de Cinéma's busy day. On the beach at
+Petiteville cameras were rattling away like machine guns, orders from the
+producer were hissing through the air with the vicious hum of explosive
+bullets, and weary supers were marching and counter-marching in a state of
+hopeless apathy.
+
+At the very height of these operations Chippo Munks wandered into the
+camera barrage and got firmly entangled in the picture. As "crowd in
+background" was indicated by the scenario, the producer refrained from
+killing Chippo out of hand--in fact he invited his co-operation for another
+crowd a little later on. Thus it was that Chippo earned the right to
+describe himself as a "fillum actor," with licence to speak familiarly of
+his colleagues, CHARLES CHAPLIN and MARY PICKFORD, and full powers to pose
+as the ultimate authority of the camp whenever cinemas were mentioned.
+
+At the Café des Promeneurs it was generally assumed that Chippo was merely
+waiting for a fat contract from the Société Grand Guignol, and pending its
+arrival he explained that he was constructing a suitable scenario.
+
+"The public," he said, "is fed up with Texas rancheros in Anzac 'ats and
+antimacassar trousers playing poker dice with one 'and and keeping a
+sustained burst of rapid fire against their opponents with the other. They
+wants something true to life. Now, my fillum opens at the Café de l'Avenir,
+where a stout old British soldier runs a Crown an' Anchor board at personal
+loss, but 'appy in the knowledge that 'e is amusing his comrades."
+
+"The same answering to the name of Chippo Munks?" interjected Chris Jones.
+
+"The name on the programme is _Reginald Denvers_," said Chippo firmly.
+"Acrost the way, at the Café de la Vache Noire, a drunken unprincipled
+gambler named _Jim Blaney_--which you will also reckernise is an
+alias--regularly pockets the pay of 'is fellow-soldiers under pretence of a
+square deal at banker an' pontoon. One night, 'aving sucked 'is victims dry
+for the time being and also largely taken 'is cawfee _avec_, _Blaney_ goes
+acrost to the Avenir an' sets 'is stall out there. _Reginald_ remonstrates.
+
+"'I'm the Great White Chief in this 'ostelry,' says he, 'an' we don't want
+no three-card-trick sharks butting in.'
+
+"'My modest shrinking vi'let,' says _Blaney_, 'I'll play where I blinking
+well please.'
+
+"_Reginald_ thereupon remarks that sooner than allow 'is innocent patrons
+to be swindled by a six-fingered thimblerigging son of a confidence
+trickster 'e'd start in an' expose 'im.
+
+"At this point _Blaney_ swears to be revenged, an' there is a hinterval of
+a minute while the next part of the fillum is bein' prepared.
+
+"The following scene shows _Blaney_ all poshed up and busy trying to worm
+'is way into the confidence of _Suzanne_ (the daughter of the _patron_ of
+the Café de l'Avenir), who cherishes a secret passion for _Reginald_. 'E
+kids 'er to drop the contents of a white packet into _Reginald's vang
+blanc_, telling her it's a love lotion--I should say potion--that will gain
+'er _Reginald's_ everlasting affections. _Reggie_, being thirsty, scoffs
+off the whole issue an' finds to his dismay that 'is voice 'as been
+completely destroyed. That's a thrilling situation, Chris, a _professeur
+de_ Crown an' Anchor not being able to do his patter."
+
+[Illustration: A LEVY ON PATRIOTISM.]
+
+"'E might as well shut up shop right away," agreed Chris.
+
+"Jest so. _Reginald_ rushes after _Blaney_ and tells him off good an'
+proper----"
+
+"'Ow could 'e when 'e'd lorst his voice?" asked Chris.
+
+"Oh! burn it. This is a fillum drama. 'E sees 'is extensive _clientèle_
+drifting away to the Vache Noire an' _Blaney_ getting so rich 'e can afford
+Beaune an' eggs an' chips for 'is supper every night. In the interests of
+the misguided victims _Reginald_ tells the Military Police that drinking
+goes on during prohibited hours at the Vache Noire, an' gets the place put
+out of bounds. All the speckerlaters thereupon return to the Avenir, an'
+Part II. finishes with _Reginald_ recovering 'is voice an' carolling
+'Little Billy Fair-play, all the way from 'Olloway' while he rakes in the
+shekels with both hands and feet."
+
+"I'm getting the 'ang of this a bit," said Chris; "I recollect there was a
+chap named Slaney as once did you down on a deal, an' I remember a
+red-'aired girl at the Avenir. But all this talk about love lotions and
+voice dope gets me guessing."
+
+"A fillum drama that's true to life ain't bound to be absolutely true as to
+facts. The trimmings is extra. We opens next with a little slow music an'
+_Jim Blaney_ meeting _Reginald_ an' telling 'im 'e 's reformed an' given up
+gambling. Instead 'e's running a very respectable football sweep, the prize
+to be given to the one as draws the team that scores most goals, an' 'e
+offers _Reginald_ a commission an' a seat on the drawing committee if he'll
+recommend it amongst 'is clients. Such is 'is plausibleness that 'e even
+sells _Suzanne_ a ticket, though she's not rightly sure if Aston Villa is a
+race-horse or a lottery number. _Reginald_, however, suspects treachery.
+
+"'Take your breath reg'ler,' 'e says, or makes movements to that effect.
+'The matches for this sweep is played on Saturday, an' I seems to recollect
+that you an' a lot of the crowd is due for demob on Wednesday, an' I'm
+going for leave on Tuesday. What guarantee 'ave we that you weigh out
+before you go?'
+
+"'I pays out _immédiatemong_ on receipt of the Sunday papers, which will be
+Sunday night," says _Blaney_. 'That's good enough, ain't it?'
+
+"_Reginald_ therefore invests an' participates in the drawing, though still
+a bit doubtful. 'Is fears is justified, for on Friday night, 'aving got all
+the money, _Blaney_ steps outside the _estaminay_ an' hits a Military
+Police over the ear."
+
+"Whatever for?" asked Chris. "The War's over."
+
+"That's a mystery; but the mystery is solved when they 'ear that _Blaney_
+'as gone to clink to do ten days F.P. No. 2.
+
+"''E's just gauged it to a nicety,' says someone; ''e won't come out till
+we're demobbed, an' 'e'll be orf before _Reginald_ gets back from leave.'
+
+"It's 'ere the finest scene in the fillum ought to 'appen. Imagine a crowd
+of defrauded an' infuriated soldiery, led by _Reginald_, marching up to the
+F.P. compound and demanding that the miserable _Blaney_ an' their stakes
+should be 'anded over to them.
+
+"'Never!' says the Provost-Sergeant, twirling his moustaches to needle
+points.
+
+"'As a sportsman I appeal to you,' says _Reginald_, 'or we'll wreck the
+blinkin' compound.'
+
+[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_to dentist_). "BE CAREFUL, WON'T YOU? I'M DREFFLY
+TICKLISH."]
+
+"'I'll not give him up while I have breath in my body,' says the
+Provost-Sergeant. 'I've drawn Chelsea in the sweep.'
+
+"Then should ensue the gloriousest shemozzle that ever was; but this scene
+is spoiled by some miserable perisher who says it ain't worth while making
+a rough house till they know who's won. What really happens is that they
+wait till the Sunday papers arrive, when it is found _Suzanne_ 'as won the
+sweep, 'er 'aving drawn Sunderland, what was top-scorer with seven goals.
+
+"It is then that _Reginald's_ noble nature shows itself. Instead of telling
+'er that she's won an' then disappointing 'er by saying the prize money is
+in custody, 'e buys 'er ticket for 'alf-price. Then 'e goes to the compound
+an' bribes the sentry to let 'im talk to _Blaney_ through the barbed wire.
+
+"'There's the winning ticket, _Blaney_,' 'e says; 'now pay out.'
+
+"'Pay out?' says _Blaney_, grinning hideously. 'Why, what do you think I
+got into clink for?'
+
+"And the end comes with _Reginald_ stalking 'elplessly outside the wire,
+an' _Blaney_ laughing an' taunting 'im from inside."
+
+"I don't think much of it," said Chris critically. "I know that Slaney--'im
+what you call _Blaney_--did actually do you down real proper, but as a
+fillum it ain't a good ending."
+
+"P'r'aps it ain't--as it stands," admitted Chippo, "but when I'm
+demobilized--when _Reginald_ is demobilized, I should say, an' 'e 'appens
+to meet that _Jim Blaney_ there'll be the finest fillum finish that's ever
+been released, if the police don't interfere."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Informative Visitor_ (_member of party viewing sights of
+London_). "'ERE Y'ARE, BOYS. ON OUR LEFT IS THE STATOO OF THE FAMOUS
+SINGER, ALBERT 'ALL, AND ON THE RIGHT WE 'AVE THE KENSINGTON GAS WORKS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THIS FOR REMEMBRANCE.
+
+     [The Government is reported to have three million empty rum jars for
+     sale.]
+
+  I've long mused on buying a rifle,
+    A chunk of an aeroplane's gear
+  Or other belligerent trifle
+    By way of a small souvenir;
+  I've thought 'twould be fine (and your pardon
+    I beg if this savours of swank)
+  If the grotto that graces my garden
+    Were topped by a tank.
+
+  But only this morn I decided
+    Exactly the thing I preferred
+  To call back the prodigies I did
+    When the call for fatigue men was heard;
+  Though my life is again a civilian's,
+    Martial glories shall come back to view
+  If I buy from these derelict millions
+    A rum jar or two.
+
+  Though the spirit's long since been a "goner,"
+    Though the uttermost heel-tap be drained,
+  I will give them a place of high honour,
+    Well knowing that once they contained
+  My solace when seasons were rotten,
+    When the cold put my courage to flight,
+  Or the sergeant, perchance, had forgotten
+    To kiss me good-night.
+
+  In a world that is apt to be trying,
+    When things are inclined to go ill
+  And I'm sitting despondently sighing,
+    Perhaps they will comfort me still;
+  At the sight of these humble mementoes
+    It may be once more I shall know
+  From the crown of my head to my ten toes
+    That radiant glow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Journalistic Candour.
+
+     "CHANCES MISSED.
+
+     By _The Daily Mail_ correspondent recently in France."--_Daily Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "'The Trojan Person in Pink' will fill the bill at the
+     Haymarket."--_Evening Paper._
+
+Is this intended for a description of the lady to whom Paris gave the
+golden apple?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WORM TURNS.
+
+A JUGGLER'S COMIC ASSISTANT REFUSES TO MUFF HIS TRICKS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRESENCE OF MIND.
+
+  Proud is not the word for me
+  When I hear my 8-h.p.
+  Latest model motor-bike,
+  Having dodged the latest strike,
+  Is awaiting me complete
+  At the garage down the street.
+
+  Joyfully I take my way
+  (And a cheque-book too to pay
+  The two hundred odd they thought it
+  Right to charge the man who bought it).
+  Still, it is a lovely creature,
+  Up-to-date in every feature,
+  _And_ a side-car, painted carmine--
+  Joy! to think they really _are_ mine!
+
+  Time is short; I don't lose much in
+  Starting, and I let the clutch in;
+  Lest I should accelerate
+  Passing through the garage-gate,
+  Feeling certain as to what'll
+  Happen, I shut off the throttle,
+  When--my heart begins to beat--
+  I'm propelled across the street
+  In a way I never reckoned,
+  Gathering speed at every second.
+
+  Frantic, I apply the brake,
+  Realising my mistake
+  With my last remaining wit:
+  _I've not shut, but opened it!_
+  In another instant I
+  Hit the curb and start to fly.
+  Aeronautic friends of mine
+  Say that flying is divine;
+  Now I've tried it I confess
+  Few things interest me less,
+  Still, I own that in a sense
+  It is an experience.
+
+  These and other thoughts are there
+  As I whistle through the air,
+  And continue till I stop
+  In an ironmonger's shop
+  (Kept by Mr. Horne, a kind
+  Soul, but deaf and very blind).
+  Still--I mention this with pride,
+  For it shows how well I ride--
+  I have left the bike outside.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Little Mrs. Horne is sitting
+  In the neat back-parlour, knitting.
+  Mr. Horne, who hears the din
+  Which I make in coming in,
+  Leaves the shop and says to her:
+  "Martha, here's a customer.
+  From the sound of clinking metal
+  I should judge he wants a kettle."
+
+  Mrs. H. shows some surprise
+  At the sight that greets her eyes,
+  And, in answer to her shout,
+  Mr. H. comes running out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Now, it's something of a strain
+  On the busy human brain
+  Passing through a window-pane
+  To decide what it will do
+  When at last it's safely through.
+  As I gaze around I find--
+  Horror! why, I must be blind!
+  Blind or dead, I don't know which--
+  All about is black as pitch;
+  Thick the atmosphere as well
+  With a dank metallic smell....
+
+  Guessing that I am not dead
+  I attempt to loose my head
+  From a kettle's cold embrace;
+  And, meanwhile, to save my face
+  (Finding I can't get it out),
+  Say politely--up the spout--
+  "Lovely morning, is it not, Horne?
+  Think I'll take this little lot, Horne;
+  It is such a perfect fit,
+  And I'm so attached to it
+  That I find I cannot bring
+  My own head to leave the thing.
+  So you will oblige me greatly
+  If you'll pack them separately."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Housing Stringency.
+
+     "House for Sale 12 ft. by 1 ft., suitable for
+     bed-sitting-room."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+     "We claim that we can do you anything in our line as well, or perhaps
+     a little bit less than you will get it at many other places."
+
+     _Advt. in Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "ALLEGED WALLET-SNATCHER TAKES TWO OMNIBUSES."
+
+     _Evening News._
+
+No wonder there is a shortage in London travelling facilities.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORD-BUILDERS;
+
+A SHORTAGE OF STRAW.
+
+Aitchkin has been doing great things in forage, but prosperity has not
+spoilt him. Although he must be aware that I remember him in pre-war days,
+when he used to strap-hang to the City with his lunch in a satchel,
+nevertheless he often invites me round on those rare occasions when he
+dines quietly at home.
+
+The other evening, as he toyed with a modest eight-course dinner, I
+perceived that his cheerfulness was a trifle forced, and I thought that
+probably he was worrying over the behaviour of his little son, who, tiring
+that afternoon of his motor scooter, had done incalculable damage to the
+orchid-house with a home-made catapult.
+
+When we were left alone with our cigars he unburdened his soul. It appears
+that, ever since the Armistice, ambition has spurred Aitchkin to be
+something more than the "& Co." of a firm which has become torpid with war
+profits. He had decided to start in business "on his lonesome," and to make
+"Aitchkin" and "forage" synonymous terms. Already he had taken over the
+premises of a sovereign purse-maker at a "reasonable figure." (When
+Aitchkin is "reasonable" somebody loses money.) But his bargain did not
+include a Telegraphic Address, and that morning, working from his
+letter-heading, "Alfred Aitchkin," he had brought himself to compose an
+appropriate word. To the "Alf" of the Christian name he added "Alpha"
+representing the initial of the surname (I suspected the assistance of his
+lady-typist), making the complete word "Alf-Alpha" or, written
+phonetically, "Alfalfa"--Spanish for lucerne. It was a word which could not
+fail to fix itself indelibly in the minds of his clients, for it recalled
+not only Aitchkin's name, but the commodity he dealt in. Full of the pride
+of authorship he had driven round to the G.P.O. in his touring car.
+
+"But they crabbed it at once," he said sadly. "Telegraphic addresses
+nowadays have to conform to a lot of rotten new rules."
+
+He handed me a slip of paper on which, over the dead body of "Alfalfa," he
+had jotted down the following notes:--
+
+(1) Not less than eight, not more than ten letters.
+
+(2) Must not be composed of words or parts of words.
+
+(3) Words or parts of words may be accepted if they appear in the middle.
+
+(4) Must not look like a word.
+
+(5) Must be pronounceable.
+
+(6) Russian names, on account of their unusual spelling might be accepted.
+
+"And what's more," Aitchkin continued, "even when you've got a word which
+the Department will accept, it has to be submitted to a Committee who take
+'ten to fourteen days' to make up their minds."
+
+A faint tinkling of the piano came to our ears. Mrs. Aitchkin was waiting
+to sing to us. I produced pencil and paper and threw myself heart and soul
+into Aitchkin's problem.
+
+"Rules 2 and 3 are a little contradictory," I said, "and it will require no
+slight ingenuity to form a combination of letters which shall be
+pronounceable (Rule 5) and yet avoid the damnable appearance of a word
+(Rule 4). The concession about Russian names reminds me of something I have
+read about shaking hands with murder. In any case it is a barren
+concession, because, as we have seen, telegraphic addresses must be
+pronounceable. There is something sinister here," I continued. "This is the
+work of no ordinary mind. Some legal brain is behind all this."
+
+Love of the bizarre and the latitude of the Russian Rule led me to make my
+first attempt with the name of that all-round Bolshevik sportsman,
+BLODNJINKOFF, and I was endeavouring to abridge it to not less than eight
+and not more than ten letters without spoiling the natural beauty of the
+name when Aitchkin stopped me rather brusquely. And my next effort,
+"PLUCROES," he quashed, because he said that the implacable suspicion of
+the G.P.O. would be at once aroused by the diphthong. I fancy, though, from
+the narrowing of his eyes that he had some misgivings as to the derivation
+of the word.
+
+I then set to work with alternate consonants and vowels (which must give a
+pronounceable word), dealing with difficulties under the other rules as
+they might arise. Meanwhile Aitchkin, after the manner of an obstructionist
+official of the worst type, sat over me with the rules, condemning my
+results. Even "Telegrams: HAHAHAHAHA London," merely caused him to sniff
+contemptuously.
+
+"You'll like this one," I exclaimed--"ARLEYOTA. This is a combination of
+the word 'barley' (the 'b' being treated as obsolete like the 'n' in
+'norange') and the word 'oat' with the 'a' and 't' transposed."
+
+Aitchkin was interested. Breathing heavily, he tested the word with each
+rule in turn, while I sat relaxed in my chair. I pictured ARLEYOTA passed
+by the Department and brought into a hushed chamber before a solemn
+conclave of experts. How they would probe and analyse it during those
+momentous ten to fourteen days. And what a sensation there would be when
+they discovered that ARLEYOTA begins and ends with the indefinite article.
+
+Aitchkin thrust the papers into his pocket and rose abruptly, jamming the
+stopper more tightly into a decanter with his podgy hand.
+
+"Not too bad, ARLEYOTA," he said loftily; "I'll get them to polish it up at
+the office to-morrow." (So I _was_ right about the lady-typist).
+
+He opened the door and we passed out.
+
+"But it ends in TA," he shouted against the _Roses of Picardy_ which now
+came with unbroken force from the drawing-room. "'TA' is a word, you know."
+
+"_You_ may use it as such," I bawled, "but they've never heard of it among
+the staff of the G.P.O."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WANDERER IN NORFOLK.
+
+_A Fantasia on East Anglian Place-Names._
+
+  Tired by the City's ceaseless roaring
+  I fly to Great or Little Snoring;
+  When crowds grow riotous and lawless
+  I seek repose at Stratton Strawless;
+  When feeling thoroughly week-endish
+  I hie in haste to Barton Bendish,
+  Or vegetate at Little Hautbois
+  (Still uninvaded by the "dough-boy").
+  The simple rustic fare of Brockdish
+  Excels the choicest made or mock dish;
+  Nor is there any _patois_ so
+  Superb as that of Spooner Row.
+  PETT-RIDGE'S lively _Arthur Lidlington_
+  Might possibly be bored at Didlington;
+  And I admit that it would stump SHAW
+  To stir up a revolt at Strumpshaw.
+  The spirits of unrest are wholly
+  Out of their element at Sloley;
+  But even the weariest straphanger
+  Regains his courage at Shelfanger.
+  No taint of Bolshevistic snarling
+  Poisons the atmosphere of Larling,
+  And infants in the throes of teething
+  Become seraphical at Seething.
+
+  Nor must my homely Muse be mute on
+  The charms of Guist and Sall and Booton,
+  Shimpling and Tattersett and Stody
+  (Which, be it noted, rhymes with ruddy),
+  And fair Winfarthing, where KING TINO
+  Would seek in vain for a casino
+  Or even a flask of maraschino.
+  For here, far from the social scurry
+  That devastates suburban Surrey,
+  You find the authentic countryside;
+  Here, taking Solitude for bride,
+  The wanderer almost forgets
+  The jazzing crowd, the miners' threats.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "UNAPPROACHABLE
+
+     FAMILY ALES & STOUT."
+
+     _Advt. in Provincial Paper._
+
+This should please Mr. "PUSSYFOOT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW SPIRIT IN WEDDING GIFTS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE WESTERN FRONT.
+
+Once again we are "for it." It is that heavy hour between five and six when
+the vitality is all too low for the ordeal that awaits us. On either side
+the far-flung battle line of clustering figures stretches away into the
+gloom. It is an inspiring sight, this tense silent crowd of men of every
+class and vocation, united by a common purpose, grimly awaiting the moment
+when as one man they will hurl themselves into the fray.
+
+Is it the mere lust for fighting that has brought them here? Or is it the
+thought of the home that each hopes to return to that steels their courage
+and lends that _élan_ to their resolution without which one enters the
+struggle in vain?
+
+In the dim half-light I furtively scan the set faces around me and find
+myself wondering what thoughts those impassive masks conceal. Are they
+counting the cost? Most of them have been through the ordeal before. Pale
+faces there are--small wonder when one thinks of what lies before them.
+Here and there a man is puffing at his beloved "gasper" with the
+nonchalance that marks your bull-dog breed when stern work is afoot.
+
+Yet one cannot keep one's thoughts from the tremendous possibilities of the
+next few minutes. Where shall we be a few minutes hence? Some, one knows,
+will have gone West--and the others? Would they effect a lodgement, or be
+hurled back baffled and raging and impotent, as, alas! had too often been
+the case before?
+
+And what of those who were even now maybe preparing against our onslaught?
+Their intelligence could hardly have failed to warn them of our intentions.
+The position would be occupied, never fear, and in force, with seasoned men
+from the East.
+
+At last a stunning roar that seems to shake the very ground, rising to a
+shriek. Now it is each man for himself. The long line surges forward,
+looking eagerly for a breach. Now we can see our opponents--hate in their
+eyes--as they brace themselves for the shock. Now we are into them,
+fighting silently, with a sort of cold fury save where a muttered curse or
+the sharp cry of the injured bears testimony to the fierceness of the
+struggle.
+
+But see, they turn and waver. One more rush and we are through, driving
+them before us. The position is won.
+
+Breathing hard we look around at the havoc we have wrought, and suddenly
+the glamour of victory seems to fade and one loathes the whole senseless,
+savage business. We do not really hate these men. After all, they are our
+fellow-creatures.
+
+But what would you? One cannot spend the night on Charing Cross District
+platform.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE AND THE NEW ART.
+
+"WHAT'S HERE? THE PORTRAIT OF A BLINKING IDIOT?"
+
+_Merchant of Venice, Act II. Sc. 9._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a drapery firm's advertisement:
+
+     "WE NEVER ALLOW
+
+     DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER TO LEAVE THE PREMISES IF WE CAN AVOID IT.
+
+     IT DOESN'T PAY!"
+
+     _Scotch Paper._
+
+Suspiciously like a case of "Your money or your life!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY THE STREAM.
+
+(_Featuring the Premier._)
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has returned from a visit to the haunts of his youth with
+renewed health and reinforced Welsh accent. The last day of his holiday was
+spent in fishing in the company of two friends; but unfortunately the
+newspapers failed to supply any details of the scene, a lack of enterprise
+which it is difficult to understand, especially on the part of the journals
+known to employ Rubicon experts on their staff. Happily we are able to give
+information which we have reason to believe will not be officially
+contradicted.
+
+From his childhood Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has known intimately the romantic
+stream, named, for some unexplained reason, the Dwyfor river. To its
+musical murmur may be traced the mellifluous cadences of the statesman's
+voice employed so effectually in his appeals to Labour and the Paris
+Conference. Who can say what influences this little Welsh river, with its
+bubbling merriment, the flashing forceful leap of its cascades, its adroit
+avoidance of obstacles, may have had upon the career of the statesman of
+to-day, as through the years it has wound its way from the springs to the
+ocean? The senior fish of the Dwyfor are well known to him, and they gather
+fearlessly in large numbers to smile at his bait and to point it out to
+their friends.
+
+Towards the end of the day a humorous incident occurred. A keeper appeared
+on the opposite bank of the river and excitedly warned the party that they
+were trespassing, requesting them to retire. To his amazement his demands
+were ignored, and the trespassers replied to his protests by singing "The
+Land Song," the PREMIER'S rich tenor voice being easily distinguished above
+the roar of a neighbouring cascade.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Lieut ---- proposed that Mr. ----, our present vice-chairman, be
+     elected to the chair until the usual election of officials took place,
+     by that time a capable member would probably be found willing to
+     accept the position.
+
+     Mr. ---- thanked the proposer and seconders for their
+     compliment."--_Service Paper._
+
+The new chairman seems to be easily pleased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sunday School Teacher._ "DEAR ME, MAGGIE, YOU'RE NOT GOING
+AWAY BEFORE THE SERVICE IS BEGUN?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "IT'S OUR FREDDIE, MISS. 'E'S SWALLOWED THE COLLECTION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Inevitably you will find a sad significance in the title of _Harvest_
+(COLLINS), the last story, I suppose, that we shall have from the pen of
+Mrs. HUMPHREY WARD. It is a quite simple tale, very simply told, and of
+worth less for its inherent drama than for the admirable picture it gives
+of rural England in the last greatest days of the Great War. How quick was
+the writer's sympathy with every phase of the national ordeal is proved
+again by a score of vivid passages in which the fortunes of her characters
+are dated by the tremendous events that form their background. The story
+itself is of two women in partnership on a Midland farm, one of whom, the
+senior, has in her past certain secret episodes which, as is the way of
+such things, return to find her out and bring her happiness to ruin. The
+character of this _Janet_ is well and vigorously drawn, though there is
+perhaps little in her personality as shown here to make understandable the
+passion of her past. All the details of life on the land in the autumn of
+1918 are given with a skill that brings into the book not only the scent of
+the wheat-field but the stress, emotional and economic, of those
+unforgettable months. Because it is all so typically English one may call
+it a true consummation of the work of one who loved England well. In Mrs.
+WARD'S death the world of letters mourns the loss of a writer whose talent
+was ever ungrudgingly at the service of her country. She leaves a gap that
+it will be hard to fill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In some ways I think that they will be fortunate who do not read _A Remedy
+Against Sin_ (HUTCHINSON) till the vicissitudes of book-life have deprived
+it of its pictorial wrapper, because, though highly attractive as a
+drawing, the very charmingly-clad minx of the illustration is hardly a
+figure to increase one's sympathy with her as an injured heroine. And of
+course it is precisely this sympathy that Mr. W. B. MAXWELL is playing
+for--first, last and all the time. His title and the puff's preliminary
+will doubtless have given you the aim of the story, "to influence the
+public mind on one of the most vital questions of the day," the injustice
+of our divorce laws. For this end Mr. MAXWELL has exercised all his ability
+on the picture of a foolish young wife, chained to a lout who is shown
+passing swiftly from worse to unbearable, and herself broken at last by the
+ordeal of the witness-box in a "defended action." Inevitably such a book, a
+record of disillusion and increasing misery, can hardly be cheerful; tales
+with a purpose seldom are. But the poignant humanity of it will hold your
+sympathy throughout. You may think that Mr. MAXWELL too obviously loads his
+dice, and be aware also that (like others of its kind) the story suffers
+from over-concentration on a single theme. It moves in a world of
+incompatibles. The heroine's kindly friend is tied to a dipsomaniac wife;
+her coachman has no remedy for a ruined home because of the expense of
+divorce, and so on. To a great extent, however, Mr. MAXWELL'S craft has
+enabled him to overcome even these obstacles; his characters, though you
+may suspect manipulation, remain true types of their rather tiresome kind,
+and the result is a book that, though depressing, refuses to be put down.
+But as a wedding-present--no!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Underworld_ (JENKINS) describes life round about and down below a
+small coal-mine in Scotland something near thirty years ago. Its author,
+JAMES WELSH, tells us in a simple manly preface that he became a miner at
+the age of twelve, and worked at every phase of coal-getting till lately he
+was appointed check-weigher by his fellows, and therefore writes of what he
+knows at first hand. Here then is a straightforward tale with for hero a
+sensitive and enthusiastic young miner who draws his inspiration from BOB
+SMILLIE, loses his girl to the coal-owner's son and his life in a
+rescue-party. The villain, double-dyed, is not the coal-owner but his
+"gaffer," who favours his men as to choice of position at the coal-face in
+return for favours received from their wives. The chief surprise to the
+reader will be the difference between the status and power of the miner
+then and now. The writer has a considerable skill in composing effective
+dialogue, especially between his men; gives a convincing picture of the pit
+and home life, the anxieties, courage, affections and aspirations of the
+friends of whom he is "so proud." Nor does he cover up their weaknesses.
+Purple passages of fine writing show his inexperience slipping into
+pitfalls by the way, but his work rings true and deserves to be read by
+many at the present time when miners are so far from being victims of "the
+block"--the employers' device for starving out a "difficult" man--that they
+look like fitting the boot to another leg. One is made to realise their
+anxiety to get rid of that boot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_How They Did It_ (METHUEN) may be regarded as a novel with a purpose, and,
+like most such, suffers from the defects of its good intentions. The object
+is "an exposure of war muddling at home," and it must be admitted that Mr.
+GERALD O'DONOVAN gives us no half-measure; indeed I was left with the idea
+that greater moderation would have made a better case. To illustrate it, he
+takes his hero, _David Grant_, through a variety of experiences.
+Incapacitated from active fighting through the loss of an arm, he is given
+work as a housing officer on the Home Front. His endeavours to check the
+alleged extravagance and corruption of this command led to his being
+"invalided out"; after which he wanders round seeking civilian war-work
+(and marking only dishonesty everywhere), and ends up with a post in the
+huge, newly-formed and almost entirely farcical Ministry of Business. This
+final epithet puts in one word my criticism of Mr. O'DONOVAN'S method.
+Everyone admits the large grain of truth in his charges; the trouble is
+that he has too often allowed an honest indignation to carry him past his
+mark into the regions of burlesque, and in particular to confuse character
+with caricature. But as a topical squib, briskly written, _How They Did It_
+will provide plenty of angry amusement, with enough suggestion of the
+_roman à clef_ to keep the curious happy in fitting originals to its many
+portraits. I should perhaps add that the plot, such as it is, is held
+together by a rather perfunctory and intermittent love-affair, too
+obviously employed only to fill up time while the author is thinking out
+some fresh exposure. This I regretted, as _Mary_, the heroine, is here a
+shadow of what seems attractive and original substance. I wonder that the
+author did not invent for her a Ministry of Romance. He is quite capable of
+it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among the writers who have established stable reputations for themselves
+during the War "KLAXON" is in the very front rank. This is partly due to an
+easy natural style, but most to a sound judgment and an amazingly clear eye
+for essentials. To those (not myself) who want to forget the last few years
+it may seem that we have already been given enough opportunities to read
+about our submarines. Well, I have read nearly everything that has been
+written on this subject and could yet draw great delight from _The Story of
+Our Submarines_ (BLACKWOOD), a most informing and fascinating book.
+"Whatever happens," says "KLAXON," "the German policy of torpedoing
+merchant ships without warning must be made not only illegal but unsafe for
+a nation adopting it.... If these notes of mine serve no other purpose,
+they will, at any rate, do something towards differentiating between the
+submarine and the U-boat." By which it will be seen that to his many other
+claims on our regard "KLAXON" adds the gift, not always found among
+experts, of modesty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISGUST OF AN ARTIST ON FINDING HIS ACADEMY SUCCESS OF 1899
+AT AN AUCTION OF MISCELLANEOUS ARTICLES LEFT BEHIND IN RAILWAY CARRIAGES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VISIT.
+
+  When I went to Fairyland, visiting the Queen,
+  I rode upon a peacock, blue and gold and green;
+  Silver was the harness, crimson were the reins,
+  All hung about with little bells that swung on silken chains.
+
+  When I went to Fairyland, indeed you cannot think
+  What pretty things I had to eat, what pretty things to drink;
+  And did you know that butterflies could sing like little birds?
+  And did you guess that fairy-talk is not a bit like words?
+
+  When I went to Fairyland--of all the lovely things!--
+  They really taught me how to fly, they gave me fairy wings;
+  And every night I listen for a tapping on the pane--
+  I want so very much to go to Fairyland again.
+
+  R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Wanted, Bedroom and Sitting room (furnished), with use of bathroom,
+     without attendance."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We share the advertiser's desire for privacy during ablutions.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, April 14, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22957-8.txt or 22957-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/9/5/22957/
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/22957-8.zip b/22957-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b2bc6d1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-8.zip
diff --git a/22957-h.zip b/22957-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fb17c1b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h.zip
diff --git a/22957-h/22957-h.htm b/22957-h/22957-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..17b7298
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/22957-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2940 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, April 14, 1920.</title>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" />
+<style type="text/css">
+  <!--
+  body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+  p                    {text-align: justify;}
+  blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+  h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+  pre                  {font-size: 0.7em;}
+  .sc                  {font-variant: small-caps;}
+  .center              {text-align: center;}
+  .wide                {margin-left: 15em;}
+  .wid                 {margin-left: 13.5em;}
+
+  hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+  html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+  hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+  html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+  hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+  html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+  .note, .footnote     {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+    .footnote .label  {position: absolute; right: 86%; text-align: right;}
+
+  span.pagenum
+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
+
+  .poem
+  {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i3           {margin-left: 1.5em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+.poem p.i12 {
+	margin-left: 6em
+}
+.poem p.i18 {
+	margin-left: 9em
+}
+  .drama               {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .drama p             {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;}
+  .drama p.i2          {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;}
+  .drama p.i4          {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;}
+  .drama p.i6          {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;}
+  .drama p.i8          {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;}
+  .drama p.i10         {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+  {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+  .figright            {float: right;}
+  .figleft             {float: left;}
+
+td {
+    font-size: 0.9em;
+	text-align: center;
+	padding: 1em;
+}
+
+td.left {
+    font-size: 0.9em;
+	text-align: left;
+	padding: 1em;
+}
+  p.author {text-align: right;}
+  -->
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+April 14, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, April 14, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: October 11, 2007 [EBook #22957]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<hr />
+<p class="center">Transcriber's Note: typo "thundebrolt" changed to thunderbolt on page 267.  <u>Underlining</u> was used to indicate where text appeared upside down in the original.</p>
+<hr />
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 158.</h2>
+
+<h2>April 14, 1920.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page267" id="page267"></a>[pg 267]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>"Hat-pins to match the colour of
+the eyes are to be very fashionable this
+year," according to a Trade journal.
+This should be good news to those
+Tube-travellers who object to having
+green hat-pins stuck in their blue eyes.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Enterprise cannot be dead if it is
+really true that a well-known publisher
+has at last managed to persuade Mr.
+<span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span> to write a few
+words concerning the Labour Question.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"I have never been knocked down
+by a motor omnibus,"
+says Mr. <span class="sc">Justice Darling</span>.
+The famous judge
+should not complain.
+He must take his turn
+like the rest of us.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Never pull the doorbell
+too hard" is the
+advice of a writer on
+etiquette in a ladies'
+journal. When calling
+at a new wooden house
+the safest plan is not to
+pull the bell at all.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"American bacon
+opened stronger yesterday,"
+says a market report.
+If it opened any
+stronger than the last
+lot we bought it must
+have "gone some."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Five golf balls were
+discovered inside a cow
+which was found dead
+last week on a Hertfordshire
+golf course.
+We understand that a
+certain member of the
+Club who lost half-a-dozen
+balls at Easter-time
+has demanded a recount.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"An Englishman's place is by his
+own fireside," declares a writer in the
+Sunday Press. This is the first intimation
+we have received that Spring-cleaning
+is over.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A serious quarrel between two prominent
+Sinn Feiners is reported. It appears
+that one accused the other of
+being "no murderer."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>The Commercial Bribery and Tipping
+Review</i>, a new American publication,
+offers a prize of four pounds for the
+best article on "Why I believe barbers
+should not be tipped." The barbers
+claim that what they receive is not a
+tip, but the Price of Silence.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to an evening paper,
+crowds can be seen in London every
+day waiting to go into the pit. Oh, if
+only they were miners!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"It is the last whisky at night which
+always overcomes me," said a defendant
+at the Guildhall. "A good plan," says
+a correspondent, "is to finish with the
+last whisky but one."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The British Admiralty are offering
+two hundred and fifty war vessels for
+sale. This is just the chance for people
+who contemplate setting up in business
+as a new country.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"A good tailor," says a fashion
+writer, "can always give his customer
+a good fit if he tries." All he has to
+do, of course, is to send the bill in.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Allday</span>, a resident in Lundy
+Island for twenty years, who has just
+arrived in London, states that he has
+never seen a tax-collector. There is
+some talk of starting a fund with the
+object of presenting him with one.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Dunmow workhouse is offered for
+sale. A great many people are anxious
+to buy it with the object of putting it
+aside for a rainy day.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A Houndsditch firm has just had a
+telephone installed which was ordered
+six years ago. This, however, is not a
+record. Quite a number of instruments
+have been fitted up in less time than
+this.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We understand that the thunderbolt
+which fell at Chester is not the one
+that the <span class="sc">Premier</span> intended to drop this
+month.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Signor <span class="sc">Caproni</span>, lecturing in New
+York, says that aeroplanes capable of
+carrying five hundred passengers will
+shortly be constructed. We can only
+say that anybody can have our seat.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Since <i>The Daily Express</i> tirade
+against the officials of
+the Zoo visitors are requested
+not to go too
+near the Fellows.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"The French army,"
+says the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i>,
+"will soon be all
+over." It does not say
+what; but if our late
+enemy continues the
+violation of the Peace
+Treaty the missing word
+should be "Germany."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Birds, says <i>The Times</i>,
+are nesting in the plane-trees
+of Printing House
+Square. Some of the
+fledglings, we are informed,
+are already
+learning to whistle the
+familiar Northcliffe air,
+"<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> Must
+Go," quite distinctly.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The National Portrait
+Gallery, occupied by the
+War Office since 1914,
+has just been reopened.
+The rumour that a
+Brigadier-General who
+had eluded all attempts
+to evacuate him was still hanging about
+disguised as a portrait of Mrs. <span class="sc">Siddons</span>
+attracted a large attendance.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Corporation of Waterford has
+refused to recognise "Summer" time.
+One gathers that it is still the winter
+of their discontent down there.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Sinn Feiners are now asking for the
+abolition of the Royal Irish Constabulary,
+and it is feared that, unless their
+request is granted, they may resort to
+violence.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:55%;"><a href="images/267.png"><img width="100%" src="images/267.png" alt="" /></a><p>"<span class="sc">Though the material, Sir, is somewhat more expensive, the leather
+brace has the great advantage that it lasts for ever; and, moreover,
+when it wears out it makes an excellent razor-strop</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Mrs. &mdash;&mdash; Requires useful Ladies' Maid,
+for Bath and country; only ex-soldier or sailor
+need apply."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>A job that will obviously need a man
+of proved courage.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page268" id="page268"></a>[pg 268]</span><h2>WISDOM UP TO DATE&mdash;12TH EDITION.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>The Times</i> has announced, in two consecutive issues, that Mr.
+<span class="sc">Hugh Chisholm</span> has retired from the control of its financial columns
+in order to resume his editorship of the <i>Encyclop&aelig;dia Britannica</i>.
+One seems here to catch a faint echo of the proprietary booming of the
+10th Edition by <i>The Times</i> and Mr. <span class="sc">Hooper</span>. The present publishers
+are the Cambridge University Press.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>It is a common object of remark</p>
+<p class="i2">How many things in life are periodic,</p>
+<p>Some punctual (like the nesting of the lark,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or Derby-day), and others more spasmodic,</p>
+<p>Recurring loosely when the hour is ripe;</p>
+<p>And here I sing a sample of the latter type.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Nine years have coursed with their accustomed speed</p>
+<p class="i2">Since England hailed its previous apparition,</p>
+<p>Since every man and woman who could read,</p>
+<p class="i2">Wanting the nearest way to erudition,</p>
+<p>Bought as an ornament of her (or his) home</p>
+<p>The monumental masterpiece of Mr. <span class="sc">Chisholm</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Much has occurred meanwhile of new and strange;</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>E.g.</i>, in matters purely scientific</p>
+<p>Great Thinkers, eager to enlarge our range,</p>
+<p class="i2">Have (on the lethal side) been most prolific;</p>
+<p>Ten tomes would scarce contain what might be said on</p>
+<p>Their contributions to the recent Armageddon.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>What wonder if the Editor forsakes</p>
+<p class="i2">The conduct of <i>The Times'</i> financial pages?</p>
+<p>An even weightier task he undertakes</p>
+<p class="i2">Than to report on bullion; he engages</p>
+<p>To let us know, by 1922,</p>
+<p>All things (or more) that anybody ever knew.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Why should he care if Oil-cakes fall or jump?</p>
+<p class="i2">He has the Total Universe for oyster;</p>
+<p>Yankees may yield a point or Rubbers slump,</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet not for such things shall his eye grow moister,</p>
+<p>Save when, by force of habit, he admits</p>
+<p>"A heavy tendency to-day in Ency. Brits."</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Could but <i>The Times</i> revive its ancient part,</p>
+<p class="i2">Repeat its famous turn of dollar-scooping!</p>
+<p>O memories of the urgent boomster's art,</p>
+<p class="i2">And that persistent noise of <span class="sc">Hooper</span> whooping,</p>
+<p>Down to the Last Chance and the Closing Door,</p>
+<p>And then the Absolutely Last, and then some more!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Those shrill appeals to get the Work <span class="sc">TO-DAY</span></p>
+<p class="i2">(With the superb revolving fumed-oak garage)&mdash;</p>
+<p>How well they followed up their fearful prey</p>
+<p class="i2">Till the massed thunders of the final barrage</p>
+<p>Such pressure on your tympanum would bring</p>
+<p>That you could bear no more, and <i>had</i> to buy the thing.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>O. S.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>The Giant's Robe&mdash;Cheap.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">For Sale.</span>&mdash;Superior Dress Suit, 37 chest, City made, silk facings
+and lining, worn twice, no further use, suitable for individual 7 ft. 8 in.
+Price 4 guineas."&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Paying Guests Wanted</span>&mdash;From 1st June, married couple with
+no children; also at once, single married lady or gentleman for three
+single rooms or one single married couple."&mdash;<i>Indian Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>To be in keeping with the inhabitants the house, no doubt,
+is "semi-detached."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"250 <span class="sc">WORDS.</span>  <span class="wide"><span class="sc">TWO GUINEAS.</span></span></p>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p>THE YOUNG WIFE'S ALLOWANCE."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><i>Daily Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The young husband who tries to get off for two guineas will
+find that the young wife regards two hundred and fifty
+words as entirely inadequate.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR SUPER-PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.</h2>
+
+<p>The meagre and tantalizing report of Lord Northsquith's
+great journey through Spain and North Africa which has
+been issued through Reuter's agency has stimulated but not
+allayed curiosity. It is therefore with unfeigned pleasure
+that we are able to supplement this jejune summary with
+some absolutely authentic details supplied us by a Levantine
+detective of unimpeachable veracity who shadowed the party.</p>
+
+<p>Of the journey through Spain he has little to say. Lord
+Northsquith attended a bull-fight at Seville, at which an
+extraordinary incident occurred. At the moment when the
+distinguished visitor entered the ring and was taking his
+seat in the Royal Box, the bull, a huge and remarkably
+ferocious animal, suddenly threw up its hind legs and, after
+pawing the air convulsively for a few seconds, fell dead on
+the spot. No reason could be assigned for this rash act,
+which caused a very painful impression, but it is a curious
+fact that it synchronized exactly with the issue of the special
+edition of the Seville evening <i>Tar&aacute;ntula</i>, with the placard
+"Strange behaviour (<i>extravagancia</i>) of the British Prime
+Minister."</p>
+
+<p>At a subsequent interview with Count <span class="sc">Romanones</span>, Lord
+Northsquith was reluctantly obliged to confirm the statement
+that Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> was still under the impression
+that the Spanish Alhambra was a late replica of a theatre
+in London, but begged him not to attach undue importance
+to the misapprehension.</p>
+
+<p>The tour in Morocco was not attended by any specially
+untoward incidents, but at Marrakesh a group of Berbers
+evinced some hostility, which was promptly converted into
+effusive enthusiasm on their learning that Lord Northsquith
+was not of Welsh origin. Similar assurances were conveyed
+to the sardine-fishers of the coast, with beneficial results.
+The Pasha of Marrakesh expressed the hope that Lord
+Northsquith was not disappointed with the Morocco Atlas,
+and the illustrious stranger wittily rejoined, "No, but you
+should see my new morocco-bound <i>Times</i> Atlas." When
+the remark was translated to the Pasha he laughed very
+courteously.</p>
+
+<p>Always interested in the relics of the mighty past Lord
+Northsquith made a special trip to the East Algerian Highlands
+to visit Timgad, and spent several minutes in the
+<i>tepidarium</i> of the Roman baths. It was understood from
+the expression of his features that he was profoundly impressed
+by the superiority of the arrangements over those
+contemplated by the Coalition Minister of Health in the
+new bath-houses to be erected in Limehouse.</p>
+
+<p>Lastly the tour included a flying visit to Carthage. The
+French arch&aelig;ologists in charge of the excavations had
+recently dug up a colossal statue of <span class="sc">Hannibal</span>, and the
+resemblance to Lord Northsquith was so extraordinary that
+many of them were moved to transports of delight. They
+were however unanimous in their conviction that the deplorable
+state of the ruins was largely, if not entirely, due
+to Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George's</span> ignorance of Ph&oelig;nician geography.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A Startling Disclosure.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">From "Answers to Correspondents" in a Canadian Paper:</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Q.&mdash;Is it not a fact, that all of Lipton's challengers were built
+stronger and heavier than the American cup defenders, to enable
+them to cross the Atlantic?&mdash;A. D. B., Montreal.</p>
+
+<p>A.&mdash;Yes, they were built stronger as they had to cross the ocean
+under their own steam."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"Serious injuries were sustained by &mdash;&mdash;, aged 54, while assisting
+in discharging cargo. Shortly before one o'clock, it is stated, a cheese
+struck him and knocked him down."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We have always maintained that these dangerous creatures
+should not be allowed to run loose.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page269" id="page269"></a>[pg 269]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:95%;"><a href="images/269.png"><img width="100%" src="images/269.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE "WITHDRAWAL" FROM MOSCOW.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Chorus of Half-Revolutionists support Messrs. Snowden and Ramsay Macdonald by singing "The Red (but not too Red) Flag."</span></p>
+
+<p class="center">[The Independent Labour Party by a large majority has voted in favour of withdrawing from the Moscow Internationale.]</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page270" id="page270"></a>[pg 270]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/270.png"><img width="100%" src="images/270.png" alt="" /></a><h3>TENNIS PROSPECTS.</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>LITTLE BITS OF LONDON.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">The Houses of Parliament.</span></p>
+
+<p>The guide-books have a good deal to
+say about the Houses of Parliament,
+but the people who write guide-books
+never go to the really amusing places
+and never know the really interesting
+things. For instance they have never
+yet explained what it is that the House
+of Commons smells of. I do not refer
+to the actual Chamber, which merely
+smells like the Tube, but the lofty passages
+and lobbies where the statues
+are. The smell, I think, is a mixture
+of cathedrals and soap. It is a baffling
+but rather seductive smell, and they
+tell me that the policemen miss it when
+they are transferred to point-duty. Possibly
+it is this smell which makes ex-Premiers
+want to go back there.</p>
+
+<p>But let us have no cheap mockery
+of the Houses of Parliament, because
+there is a lot to be said for them. They
+are much the best houses for hide-and-seek
+I know. The parts which are
+dear to the public, the cathedral parts,
+are no good for that, but behind them
+and under them and all round them
+there are miles and miles of superb
+secret passages and back staircases, the
+very place for a wet afternoon. They
+are decorated like second-class waiting-rooms
+and lead to a lot of rooms like
+third-class waiting-rooms; and at every
+corner there is a policeman; but this
+only adds to the excitement. Besides,
+at any moment you may blunder into
+some very secret waiting-room labelled
+"Serjeant-at-Arms."</p>
+
+<p>If you are seen by the <span class="sc">Serjeant-at-Arms</span>
+you have lost the game, and if
+you are seen by a Lord of the Treasury
+I gather from the policemen that you
+would be put in the Tower. Or you may
+start light-heartedly from the Refreshment
+Department of the House of
+Commons and find yourself suddenly in
+the bowels of the House of Lords, probably
+in the very passage to the <span class="sc">Lord
+Chancellor's</span> Secretary's Room.</p>
+
+<p>Still, there is no other way for
+Private Secretaries to take exercise and
+at the same time avoid their Members
+without actually leaving the building,
+so risks of that sort have to be faced.</p>
+
+<p>While the Private Secretary is playing
+hide-and-seek in the passages and
+purlieus his Member waits for him in
+the Secretaries' Room. The Secretaries'
+Room is the real seat of legislation in
+this country, and it is surprising that
+Mr. <span class="sc">Bagehot</span> gave it no place in his
+account of the Constitution. It is also
+surprising, in view of its importance,
+that it should be such a dismal, ill-furnished
+and thoroughly mouldy room.
+It is a rotten room. Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>,
+when a Private Secretary, is reported
+to have said of it, "In the whole course
+of my political career I can recall no
+case of administrative myopia at all
+parallel to the folly or ineptitude which
+has condemned the authors of legislation
+in His Majesty's Parliament to discharge
+their functions in this grotesque
+travesty of a legislative chamber, this
+sombre and obscure repository of
+mouldering archives and forgotten records,
+where the constructive statesmen
+of to-morrow are expected to shape
+their Utopias in an atmosphere of
+disillusion and decay, in surroundings
+appointed to be the shameful sepulchre
+of the nostrums of the past." If that
+is what Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> said, I agree with
+him; if he didn't say it, I wish he had.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page271" id="page271"></a>[pg 271]</span><p>The room is pitch-dark always, and
+it is full of tables and tomes. The
+tables are waiting-room tables and the
+tomes are as Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> has described
+them. It is divided into two by a swing-door.
+One part is the female Private
+Secretary part, the other is the male
+Private Secretary part, and it is lamentable
+to record that no romance has ever
+occurred between a male Private Secretary
+and a female one.</p>
+
+<p>The room is plentifully supplied with
+House of Commons' stationery, which
+disappears at an astonishing rate. This
+is because the Members come in and
+remove it by the gross, knowing full
+well that the <span class="sc">Serjeant-at-Arms</span> will
+suspect the Private Secretaries. It is
+a hard world.</p>
+
+<p>However, this is where the Members
+come to their Private Secretaries for instructions.
+They come there nominally
+to dictate letters to their constituents,
+but really they come to be told what
+amendments to move and what questions
+to ask and what the Drainage
+Bill is about, and whether they ought
+to support the Dentist Qualification
+(Ireland) (No. 2) Bill, or not. It is
+awful to think that if the Private
+Secretaries downed tools the whole
+machinery of Parliament would stop.
+No questions would be asked and no
+amendments moved and no speeches
+made. The Government would have
+things all their own way. Unless,
+of course, the Government's Private
+Secretaries struck too. But of course
+the Government's Private Secretaries
+never would, the dirty blacklegs!</p>
+
+<p>After the Secretaries' Room perhaps
+the most interesting thing in the two
+Houses is the House of Lords sitting
+as the Supreme Court. Everybody
+ought to see that. There is a nice old
+man sitting in the middle in plain
+clothes and several other nice old men
+in plain clothes sitting about on the
+benches, with little card-tables in front
+of them. Two or three of them have
+beards, which is against the best traditions
+of the Law. But they are very
+jolly old men, and now and then one
+of them sits up and moves his lips.
+You can see then that he is putting a
+sly question to the barrister who is
+talking at the counter, though you can't
+hear anything because they all whisper.
+While the barrister is answering, another
+old man wakes up and puts a
+sly question, so as to confuse the
+barrister. That is the game. The barrister
+who gets thoroughly annoyed
+first loses the case.</p>
+
+<p>They have quite enough to annoy
+them already. They are all cooped up
+in a minute pen about eight feet square.
+There are eight of them, four K.C.'s and
+four underlings. They have nowhere to
+put their papers and nowhere to stretch
+their legs. They sit there getting cramp,
+or they stand at the counter talking to
+the old men. In either position they
+grow more and more annoyed. Four
+of them are famous men, earning thousands
+and thousands. Why do they
+endure it? Because lawyers, contrary
+to the common belief, are the most
+long-suffering profession in the world.
+That is why they are the only Trade
+Union whose members have only half-an-hour
+for lunch. Well, it is their
+funeral; but if I were a K.C. sitting in
+that pen, with the whole of the House
+of Lords empty in front of me, I should
+get over the counter and walk about.
+Then the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span> might have
+a fit; and that alone would make it
+worth while.</p>
+
+<p>The only other interesting place in the
+Houses of Parliament is the Strangers'
+Dining Room. This is interesting because
+the Members there are all terrified
+lest you should hear what they are
+going to say. They never know who
+may be at the next table&mdash;a journalist
+or a Bolshevist or a landowner&mdash;and
+they talk with one eye permanently over
+their shoulder. It must be very painful.</p>
+
+<p>But of course the best time to visit
+the House is when it is not sitting, because
+then, if you are lucky, you may
+sit with impunity on the Front Bench
+and put your feet up on the table. If
+you are unlucky you will be shot at
+dawn.</p>
+
+<p>A. P. H.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:45%;"><a href="images/271.png"><img width="100%" src="images/271.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Excitable Tenor</i> (<i>during dispute about the bill</i>). "<span class="sc">But, my friend, you not know me
+who I am&mdash;no? I am Spofferino. To-night I sing at ze opera&mdash;'Butterfly.'</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Waiter</i> (<i>unimpressed</i>). "<span class="sc">Um&mdash;you <i>look</i> like a butterfly</span>!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"&mdash;&mdash;'S BOOTS</p>
+<p class="i3">HAVE BEEN</p>
+<p><span class="sc">In Everybody's Mouth.</span>"</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Advt. in Local Paper.</i></p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>We fear the advertiser has put his foot
+in it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page272" id="page272"></a>[pg 272]</span><h2>LABOUR AND THE RUSSIAN BALLET.</h2>
+
+<p>I wasn't present at the station when
+Madame <span class="sc">Pavlova</span> arrived in London,
+bringing with her, as I have been assured
+by six different newspapers, no
+fewer than three hundred and eighty-five
+pieces of luggage. But I have
+seen, thanks to Sir <span class="sc">J. M. Barrie</span>, the
+transformation which a Russian <i>prima
+ballerina</i> makes in an English country
+home, so I happen to know exactly
+what occurred. I think it deserves to
+be recorded. Very well then.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>A Metropolitan railway terminus,
+though you wouldn't perhaps recognise
+it, because it looks a little like
+the interior of a Greek cathedral and a
+little like the fair at Nijni Novgorod,
+and the posters have obviously been
+painted by</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Wyndham Lewis</span>
+<i>or somebody like that. One porter is
+discovered leaning against an automatic
+sweet machine designed by an
+Expressionist sculptor. He is wearing
+a long mole-coloured smock, and
+looking with extreme disfavour at his
+luggage-truck, which has somehow got
+itself painted bright blue and green,
+with red wheels. Music by</i> J. H.
+Thomaski.</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Enter L., puffing slowly, the boat-train.
+The engine and carriages
+resemble Early-Victorian prints.</i>
+Madame <span class="sc">Pavlova</span> <i>descends, and
+in a very expressive dance conveys
+to the</i> Porter <i>that she has
+one or two trunks in the guard's
+van which she wants him to convey
+to a taxicab</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Porter.</i> 'Ow many is there, lady?</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<span class="sc">Pavlova</span> <i>pirouettes a little more
+and points three hundred and
+eighty-five times at the station-roof
+with her right toe</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Porter.</i> Can't be done nohow.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<span class="sc">Pavlova</span> <i>dances a dance indicative
+of absolute and heartrending despair,
+terminating in an appeal
+to the heavens to come to her aid.
+Enter R. an important-looking
+personage with a long white
+beard, wearing a costume which
+might be, called a commissionaire's
+if it wasn't so like a harlequin's.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Porter</i> (<i>impressively and with evident
+relief</i>). The Stazione Maestro!</p>
+
+<p><i>The Stazione Maestro.</i> What's all this?</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<span class="sc">Pavlova</span> <i>dances an explanation of
+the</i> impasse. <i>The</i> S.-M. <i>and the</i>
+Porter <i>remove their caps and
+scratch their heads solemnly, to
+slow music</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>The S.-M.</i> (<i>after deep cogitation</i>). This
+must be referred to the N.U.R.</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Enter suddenly, R. and L., dancing,
+the Central Executive Committee
+of the N.U.R. There is
+thunder and lightning.</i> <span class="sc">Pavlova</span>
+<i>repeats her appeal. The</i> C.E.C.
+<i>confabulate. The</i> Chairman <i>finally
+announces that the thing is
+entirely contrary to the principles
+of their Union, and if the</i> Station-master
+<i>permits it he must take
+the consequences. The</i> C.E.C.
+<i>disappear</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>The S.-M.</i> What about it, Bill?</p>
+
+<p><i>Porter.</i> We'll do it. (<i>He dances.</i>)
+Here goes, Mum.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Enter, suddenly, chorus of porters
+with multi-coloured trucks. (They
+are the same as the</i> C.E.C. <i>really,
+but they have changed their
+clothes.) Aided by the</i> S.-M. <i>and</i>
+Bill <i>they remove the three hundred
+and eighty-five packages,
+and wheel them, walking on their
+toes, to the station exit, R. Here
+is seen a taxicab whose driver is
+wrapped in profound meditation
+and smoking a hookah, the bowl
+of which rests on the pavement.
+It is represented to him that a
+lady with some luggage desires to
+charter his conveyance and proceed
+to Hampstead. He comes forward
+to the centre and explains:</i></p>
+
+<p><i>1. That it is near the dinner-hour.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>2. That he has no petrol.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>3. That he wouldn't do it for</i>
+<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> <i>hisself</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>He retires to his vehicle and resumes
+his hookah.</i> <span class="sc">Pavlova</span>
+<i>dances some dances expressive of
+Spring, of Butterflies, of Flowers,
+of Unlimited Gold. In the midst
+of the final passage the driver
+leaps from his seat, rushes on to
+the platform, jumps three hundred
+and eighty-five times into
+the air, whirls</i> <span class="sc">Pavlova</span> <i>off her
+toes and dashes from side to side,
+carrying her in one hand. He
+finally flings her into the taxicab
+and returns to his seat. The luggage
+is piled upon the roof by
+dancing porters and tied with
+many-coloured ribbons. The taxi
+departs in a cloud of petrol, the
+driver steering with his toes and
+manipulating the clutches with
+his hands. Farewells are waved
+and finally, surrounded by the
+rest of the porters, the</i> Station
+Master <i>and</i> Bill <i>dance a dance
+of Glad Sacrifice, stab themselves
+with their hands, and die</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Curtain of Smoke</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Mind you, as I said at the beginning,
+I wasn't there myself, but I helped to
+steer three boxes to the seaside during
+the Easter holiday without the blandishments
+of Art. So I know something.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>LABUNTUR ANNI.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">To a Chital Head on the Wall of
+a London Club</span>.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Light in the East, the dawn wind singing,</p>
+<p class="i2">Solemn and grey and chill,</p>
+<p>Rose in the sky, with Orion swinging</p>
+<p class="i2">Down to the distant hill;</p>
+<p>The grass dew-pearled and the <i>mohwa</i> shaking</p>
+<p class="i2">Her scented petals across the track,</p>
+<p>And the herd astir to the new day breaking&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Gods! how it all comes back.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>So it was, and on such a morning</p>
+<p class="i2">Somebody's bullet sped,</p>
+<p>And you, as you called to the herd a warning,</p>
+<p class="i2">Dropped in the grasses dead;</p>
+<p>And some stout hunter's heart was brimming</p>
+<p class="i2">For joy that the gods of sport were good&mdash;</p>
+<p>With a lump in his throat and his eyes a-dimming,</p>
+<p class="i2">As the eyes of sportsmen should;&mdash;</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>As mine have done in the springtime running,</p>
+<p class="i2">As mine in the halcyon days</p>
+<p>Ere trigger-finger had lapsed from cunning</p>
+<p class="i2">Or foot from the forest ways,</p>
+<p>When I'd wake with the stars and the sunrise meeting</p>
+<p class="i2">In the dewy fragrance of myrrh and musk,</p>
+<p>Peacock and spurfowl sounding a greeting</p>
+<p class="i2">And the jungle mine till dusk.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>You take me back to the valleys of laughter,</p>
+<p class="i2">The hills that hunters love,</p>
+<p>The sudden rain and the sunshine after,</p>
+<p class="i2">The cloud and the blue above,</p>
+<p>The morning mist and creatures crying,</p>
+<p class="i2">The beat in the drowsy afternoon,</p>
+<p>Clear-washed eve with the sunset dying,</p>
+<p class="i2">Night and the hunter's moon.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Not till all trees and jungles perish</p>
+<p class="i2">Shall we go back that way</p>
+<p>To those dear hills that the hunters cherish,</p>
+<p class="i2">Where the hearts of the hunters stay;</p>
+<p>So you dream on of the ancient glories,</p>
+<p class="i2">Of water-meadows and hinds and stags,</p>
+<p>While I and my like tell old, old stories ...</p>
+<p class="i2">Ah! but it drags&mdash;it drags.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>H. B.</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><div class="poem">  <div class="stanza"><p class="i10">"<span class="sc">Matrimony</span>.</p></div></div>
+
+<p>Accountant would write up Books, also Tax
+Returns; moderate charges."</p>
+
+<p><i>Liverpool Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This is much more delicate than the
+usual crude stipulation that the lady
+must have means.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page273" id="page273"></a>[pg 273]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/273.png"><img width="100%" src="images/273.png" alt="" /></a><h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">A NEO-GEORGIAN TRIES TO MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page274" id="page274"></a>[pg 274]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/274.png"><img width="100%" src="images/274.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Art Patron</i> (<i>who has heard something about a Modern Movement</i>). "<span class="sc">Now you're
+not going to tell me that's a valuable bit of work? Why, hang it all,
+I can recognise the place</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>PEACE WITH HONOUR.</h2>
+
+<p>This is the story of Mr. Holmes, the
+Curate, and of how he brought peace
+to our troubled house. The principal
+characters are John, my brother-in-law,
+and Margery, my unmarried sister, and,
+at the bottom of the programme, in large
+letters, Mr. Holmes, the Curate. I have
+a small walking-on part. The story
+will now commence.</p>
+
+<p>John and Margery went out for a
+walk in the beautiful Spring sunshine
+as friendly as friendly. They came back
+three hours later&mdash;well, Cecilia (his
+wife) and I heard them at least two
+villages away.</p>
+
+<p>They both rushed into the room
+covered with mud and shouting at the
+tops of their voices.</p>
+
+<p>"Cecilia," roared
+John, "order this girl
+out of my house. She
+shan't stay under my
+roof another hour."</p>
+
+<p>"Cecilia," shrieked
+Margery, "he's an
+obstinate ignorant
+wretch, and thank
+Heaven he isn't <i>my</i>
+husband."</p>
+
+<p>I put a cushion over
+my head.</p>
+
+<p>Cecilia kept hers.</p>
+
+<p>"If you will both go
+out of the room," she
+said, "take off your
+filthy boots and come
+back in your right
+minds and decent
+clothing I'll try to understand
+what you are
+both talking about."</p>
+
+<p>They crawled out of
+the room abjectly and I came out into
+the open once more.</p>
+
+<p>"Good Lord! What a family to be
+in!" I said.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"Cecilia," said John at tea, "harking
+back to the question of Hairy
+Bittercress&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hazel Catkin," said Margery.</p>
+
+<p>"What on earth&mdash;&mdash;?" began Cecilia.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll tell her," said Margery quickly.
+"Cecilia, we had a competition this
+afternoon, seeing who could find most
+signs of Spring. Well, I found a bit of
+Hazel Catkin&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hairy Bittercress," said John.</p>
+
+<p>"I tell you&mdash;&mdash;" went on Margery.</p>
+
+<p>"If you will calm yourself," interrupted
+John with dignity, "we will
+discuss the point."</p>
+
+<p>"There's nothing to discuss. What
+do you know about botany, I'd like to
+know?"</p>
+
+<p>"My dear child," said John, "when
+you were an infant-in-arms, nay,
+before you existed at all, it was my
+custom to ramble o'er the dewy meads,
+plucking the nimble Nipplewort and
+the shy Speedwell. I breakfasted on
+botany."</p>
+
+<p>"Talking of botany," I broke in
+"there was a chap in my platoon&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>John groaned loudly.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you suggest," I asked, "that he
+was not in my platoon?"</p>
+
+<p>"I suggest nothing," he answered;
+"I only know that they can't all have
+been in your platoon."</p>
+
+<p>"All who, John?" asked Cecilia.</p>
+
+<p>"All the chaps he tells us about.
+Haven't you noticed, since he came
+home, it's impossible to mention any
+type or freak or extraordinary individual
+that wasn't like somebody in
+his platoon? It must have been about
+five thousand per cent. over strength."</p>
+
+<p>"I treat your insults with contempt,"
+I said, "and proceed with my story.
+This chap had the same affliction that
+has taken Margery and yourself. He
+spent his life searching for specimens
+of the Bingle-weed and the five-leaved
+Funglebid. At bayonet-drill he would
+stop in the middle of a 'long-point, short-point,
+jab' to pluck a sudden Oojah-berry
+that caught his eye. In the end his
+passion got him to Blighty."</p>
+
+<p>"How?" asked Margery.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I continued, "it was the
+morning of the great German attack.
+My friend&mdash;er&mdash;I will call him X&mdash;and
+myself were retiring on the village of&mdash;er&mdash;Y,
+followed by about six million
+Germans. Shots were falling all round
+us, when suddenly X saw a small wild
+flower at his feet. He bent down to
+pick it up and&mdash;er&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"That is quite enough, Alan," said
+Cecilia.</p>
+
+<p>"That is all, Cecilia," I said; "that
+is how he got to Blighty."</p>
+
+<p>"We will now proceed with the subject
+in hand," said John after a moment's
+silence. He produced a small
+crushed piece of green-stuff from his
+pocket.</p>
+
+<p>"The question before the house is,
+as we used to say in the Great War,
+'<i>Qu'est-ce-que c'est que ceci?</i>' Any
+suggestions that it is of the Lemon
+species will be returned unanswered.
+For my part I say it is Hairy Bittercress."</p>
+
+<p>"And I say it's Hazel Catkin," said
+Margery.</p>
+
+<p>"And what says Hubert the herbalist?"
+asked John, handing the weed
+to me.</p>
+
+<p>I examined it carefully
+through the ring
+of my napkin.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said,
+"speaking largely, I
+should say it is either
+Mustard or Cress, or
+both as the case may
+be."</p>
+
+<p>I was howled down
+and retired.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>We heard lots of
+the weed during the
+next few days. Each
+morning at breakfast
+it sprouted forth as it
+were.</p>
+
+<p>"And how is the
+Great Unknown?" I
+would ask.</p>
+
+<p>"The Hairy Bittercress
+is thriving, we
+thank you," John
+would answer.</p>
+
+<p>"Hazel Catkin," Margery would
+throw out.</p>
+
+<p>"Catkin yourself," from John, and
+so on <i>ad lib</i>.</p>
+
+<p>They kept it carefully in a small pot
+in the window, and if one looked at it
+the other watched jealously for foul
+play.</p>
+
+<p>"On Saturday," said John, "the
+Curate is coming to tea. He is a man
+of wisdom and a botanist to boot&mdash;or
+do I mean withal? On Saturday the
+Hairy Bittercress shall be publicly proclaimed
+by its rightful name."</p>
+
+<p>"Which is Hazel Catkin," said Margery.</p>
+
+<p>Saturday came and Saturday afternoon,
+and, about three o'clock, the
+Curate. I saw him coming and met
+him at the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Good afternoon, Mr. Holmes," I
+said. "You come to a house of bitterness
+and strife. Walk right in."</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed I trust not," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Come with me," I replied; "I will
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page275" id="page275"></a>[pg 275]</span>tell you all about it." And I led him
+on tip-toe to a quiet spot.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Holmes," I said, "you know
+the family well. We have always been
+a happy loving crowd, have we not?"</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed you have," he said politely.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I continued, "a weed has
+split us asunder. My brother-in-law
+and my younger sister are on the point
+of committing mutual murder."</p>
+
+<p>I explained the whole situation and
+drew a harrowing picture of its effect
+on our family life. "Unless you help
+us," I said, "this Hazel Catkin or Hairy
+Bittercress will ruin at least four promising
+young lives."</p>
+
+<p>"But I hardly see how I am to&mdash;&mdash;"
+began Mr. Holmes.</p>
+
+<p>I told him what to do.</p>
+
+<p>"But surely," he said, "they will
+know better than that."</p>
+
+<p>"No, they won't," I said. "Neither
+of them knows anything about it, really.
+Come, Mr. Holmes, it is for a good
+cause."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well," he said. "Perhaps the
+end justifies the means. We will see
+what we can do."</p>
+
+<p>"Good man," I said. "Children unborn
+will bless your name for this day's
+work."</p>
+
+<p>I took him to the dining-room, where
+Margery and John were sitting.</p>
+
+<p>"Here is Mr. Holmes," I said.</p>
+
+<p>They both made a dash at him.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Holmes," said John, "we seek
+your aid. You have a wide and deep
+knowledge of geography&mdash;that is
+botany, and you shall settle a problem
+that is ruining my home."</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly I will do my best," said
+Mr. Holmes. And then without a blush:
+"What is the problem, may I ask?"</p>
+
+<p>"We have found a piece of&mdash;&mdash;"
+began John.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't tell him," shrieked Margery.
+"Let him see for himself."</p>
+
+<p>They fetched the weed and handed it
+reverently to the Curate.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Holmes looked at it carefully.
+He breathed on it and moistened it with
+his finger. At last he looked up.</p>
+
+<p>"This is a very rare specimen indeed,"
+he said; "I never remember to have
+seen one quite like it. It is in fact a
+hybrid." He stopped and beamed at us.</p>
+
+<p>"What's it <i>called</i>?" shrieked Margery
+and John together.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Holmes chose his words carefully.</p>
+
+<p>"It is called," he said, "Hairy Catkin."</p>
+
+<p>There was a pause while Margery
+and John gazed at each other.</p>
+
+<p>"'Hairy Catkin,'" said John solemnly.</p>
+
+<p>"Then&mdash;then we're both right!" said
+Margery.</p>
+
+<p>They looked at each other again and
+then did the only thing possible in the
+circumstances. Each fell on the other's
+neck.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Holmes and I shook hands
+silently.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/275.png"><img width="100%" src="images/275.png" alt="" /></a><p>"<span class="sc">Get up, dear, and give your seat to this lady. Remember you lose nothing by being polite.</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Oh, don't I? I lose my seat.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>The Wool Shortage.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Blankets, guaranteed all wood."</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Antique Carved Ebony Carpet."</p>
+
+<p><i>Another Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"Within there is the delicious scent of
+burning logs, and all the fragrance of only a
+1&frac12;<i>d.</i> stamp."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We have tasted the backs of these
+stamps&mdash;a delicious bouquet.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Berwick Guardians on Euesday favour-tarining
+in Ireland, was more able to deal
+receive their vates. The candidate, Mr. D.
+<u>opinion. The ballot for position of places</u>
+accompanied feastings and jollification, and
+sentation what elections were like in the the
+the business of auctioneer."</p>
+
+<p><i>North-Country Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Portions of the paragraph are not too
+clear, but we should say there was no
+doubt about the jollification.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page276" id="page276"></a>[pg 276]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:78%;"><a href="images/276.png"><img width="100%" src="images/276.png" alt="" /></a><h3>STAGE AMENITIES.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Hello, Cissie! So you're assisting at Daisy Darlint's benefit too</span>?"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Yes&mdash;the cat</span>!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>CHIPPO'S SCENARIO.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>With the British Army in France.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>It was the Soci&eacute;t&eacute; Grand Guignol de
+Cin&eacute;ma's busy day. On the beach at
+Petiteville cameras were rattling away
+like machine guns, orders from the
+producer were hissing through the air
+with the vicious hum of explosive
+bullets, and weary supers were marching
+and counter-marching in a state of
+hopeless apathy.</p>
+
+<p>At the very height of these operations
+Chippo Munks wandered into the camera
+barrage and got firmly entangled in
+the picture. As "crowd in background"
+was indicated by the scenario, the
+producer refrained from killing Chippo
+out of hand&mdash;in fact he invited his co-operation
+for another crowd a little
+later on. Thus it was that Chippo
+earned the right to describe himself as
+a "fillum actor," with licence to speak
+familiarly of his colleagues, <span class="sc">Charles
+Chaplin</span> and <span class="sc">Mary Pickford</span>, and full
+powers to pose as the ultimate authority
+of the camp whenever cinemas
+were mentioned.</p>
+
+<p>At the Caf&eacute; des Promeneurs it was
+generally assumed that Chippo was
+merely waiting for a fat contract from
+the Soci&eacute;t&eacute; Grand Guignol, and pending
+its arrival he explained that he was
+constructing a suitable scenario.</p>
+
+<p>"The public," he said, "is fed up
+with Texas rancheros in Anzac 'ats and
+antimacassar trousers playing poker
+dice with one 'and and keeping a sustained
+burst of rapid fire against their
+opponents with the other. They wants
+something true to life. Now, my fillum
+opens at the Caf&eacute; de l'Avenir, where a
+stout old British soldier runs a Crown
+an' Anchor board at personal loss, but
+'appy in the knowledge that 'e is
+amusing his comrades."</p>
+
+<p>"The same answering to the name of
+Chippo Munks?" interjected Chris
+Jones.</p>
+
+<p>"The name on the programme is
+<i>Reginald Denvers</i>," said Chippo firmly.
+"Acrost the way, at the Caf&eacute; de la
+Vache Noire, a drunken unprincipled
+gambler named <i>Jim Blaney</i>&mdash;which
+you will also reckernise is an alias&mdash;regularly
+pockets the pay of 'is fellow-soldiers
+under pretence of a square deal
+at banker an' pontoon. One night,
+'aving sucked 'is victims dry for the time
+being and also largely taken 'is cawfee
+<i>avec</i>, <i>Blaney</i> goes acrost to the Avenir
+an' sets 'is stall out there. <i>Reginald</i>
+remonstrates.</p>
+
+<p>"'I'm the Great White Chief in this
+'ostelry,' says he, 'an' we don't want no
+three-card-trick sharks butting in.'</p>
+
+<p>"'My modest shrinking vi'let,' says
+<i>Blaney</i>, 'I'll play where I blinking
+well please.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Reginald</i> thereupon remarks that
+sooner than allow 'is innocent patrons
+to be swindled by a six-fingered thimblerigging
+son of a confidence trickster
+'e'd start in an' expose 'im.</p>
+
+<p>"At this point <i>Blaney</i> swears to be
+revenged, an' there is a hinterval of
+a minute while the next part of the
+fillum is bein' prepared.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page277" id="page277"></a>[pg 277]</span><div class="figright" style="width:45%;"><a href="images/277.png"><img width="100%" src="images/277.png" alt="" /></a><h3>A LEVY ON PATRIOTISM.</h3></div>
+
+<p>"The following scene shows <i>Blaney</i>
+all poshed up and busy trying to worm
+'is way into the confidence of <i>Suzanne</i>
+(the daughter of the <i>patron</i> of the Caf&eacute;
+de l'Avenir), who cherishes a secret
+passion for <i>Reginald</i>. 'E kids 'er to
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page278" id="page278"></a>[pg 278]</span>drop the contents of a white packet into
+<i>Reginald's vang blanc</i>, telling her it's a
+love lotion&mdash;I should say potion&mdash;that
+will gain 'er <i>Reginald's</i> everlasting
+affections. <i>Reggie</i>, being thirsty, scoffs
+off the whole issue an' finds to his dismay
+that 'is voice 'as been completely
+destroyed. That's a thrilling situation,
+Chris, a <i>professeur de</i> Crown an' Anchor
+not being able to do his patter."</p>
+
+<p>"'E might as well shut up shop
+right away," agreed Chris.</p>
+
+<p>"Jest so. <i>Reginald</i> rushes after
+<i>Blaney</i> and tells him off good an'
+proper&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"'Ow could 'e when 'e'd lorst his
+voice?" asked Chris.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! burn it. This is a fillum
+drama. 'E sees 'is extensive <i>client&egrave;le</i>
+drifting away to the Vache Noire an'
+<i>Blaney</i> getting so rich 'e can afford
+Beaune an' eggs an' chips for 'is supper
+every night. In the interests of the
+misguided victims <i>Reginald</i> tells the
+Military Police that drinking goes on
+during prohibited hours at the Vache
+Noire, an' gets the place put out of
+bounds. All the speckerlaters thereupon
+return to the Avenir, an' Part II.
+finishes with <i>Reginald</i> recovering 'is
+voice an' carolling 'Little Billy Fair-play,
+all the way from 'Olloway' while
+he rakes in the shekels with both hands
+and feet."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm getting the 'ang of this a bit,"
+said Chris; "I recollect there was a
+chap named Slaney as once did you
+down on a deal, an' I remember a red-'aired
+girl at the Avenir. But all this
+talk about love lotions and voice dope
+gets me guessing."</p>
+
+<p>"A fillum drama that's true to life
+ain't bound to be absolutely true as to
+facts. The trimmings is extra. We
+opens next with a little slow music an'
+<i>Jim Blaney</i> meeting <i>Reginald</i> an'
+telling 'im 'e 's reformed an' given up
+gambling. Instead 'e's running a very
+respectable football sweep, the prize to
+be given to the one as draws the team
+that scores most goals, an' 'e offers
+<i>Reginald</i> a commission an' a seat on
+the drawing committee if he'll recommend
+it amongst 'is clients. Such is
+'is plausibleness that 'e even sells
+<i>Suzanne</i> a ticket, though she's not
+rightly sure if Aston Villa is a race-horse
+or a lottery number. <i>Reginald</i>,
+however, suspects treachery.</p>
+
+<p>"'Take your breath reg'ler,' 'e says,
+or makes movements to that effect.
+'The matches for this sweep is played
+on Saturday, an' I seems to recollect
+that you an' a lot of the crowd is due for
+demob on Wednesday, an' I'm going
+for leave on Tuesday. What guarantee
+'ave we that you weigh out before
+you go?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I pays out <i>imm&eacute;diatemong</i> on receipt
+of the Sunday papers, which will
+be Sunday night," says <i>Blaney</i>. 'That's
+good enough, ain't it?'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Reginald</i> therefore invests an' participates
+in the drawing, though still a
+bit doubtful. 'Is fears is justified, for
+on Friday night, 'aving got all the
+money, <i>Blaney</i> steps outside the <i>estaminay</i>
+an' hits a Military Police over the
+ear."</p>
+
+<p>"Whatever for?" asked Chris. "The
+War's over."</p>
+
+<p>"That's a mystery; but the mystery
+is solved when they 'ear that <i>Blaney</i>
+'as gone to clink to do ten days F.P.
+No. 2.</p>
+
+<p>"''E's just gauged it to a nicety,'
+says someone; ''e won't come out till
+we're demobbed, an' 'e'll be orf before
+<i>Reginald</i> gets back from leave.'</p>
+
+<p>"It's 'ere the finest scene in the
+fillum ought to 'appen. Imagine a
+crowd of defrauded an' infuriated soldiery,
+led by <i>Reginald</i>, marching up to
+the F.P. compound and demanding that
+the miserable <i>Blaney</i> an' their stakes
+should be 'anded over to them.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/278.png"><img width="100%" src="images/278.png" alt="" /></a><p class="center"><i>Mabel</i> (<i>to dentist</i>). "<span class="sc">Be careful, won't you? I'm dreffly ticklish.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<p>"'Never!' says the Provost-Sergeant,
+twirling his moustaches to needle
+points.</p>
+
+<p>"'As a sportsman I appeal to you,'
+says <i>Reginald</i>, 'or we'll wreck the
+blinkin' compound.'</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page279" id="page279"></a>[pg 279]</span><p>"'I'll not give him up while I have
+breath in my body,' says the Provost-Sergeant.
+'I've drawn Chelsea in the
+sweep.'</p>
+
+<p>"Then should ensue the gloriousest
+shemozzle that ever was; but this scene
+is spoiled by some miserable perisher
+who says it ain't worth while making a
+rough house till they know who's won.
+What really happens is that they wait
+till the Sunday papers arrive, when it
+is found <i>Suzanne</i> 'as won the sweep,
+'er 'aving drawn Sunderland, what was
+top-scorer with seven goals.</p>
+
+<p>"It is then that <i>Reginald's</i> noble
+nature shows itself. Instead of telling
+'er that she's won an' then disappointing
+'er by saying the prize money
+is in custody, 'e buys 'er ticket for 'alf-price.
+Then 'e goes to the compound
+an' bribes the sentry to let 'im talk to
+<i>Blaney</i> through the barbed wire.</p>
+
+<p>"'There's the winning ticket,
+<i>Blaney</i>,' 'e says; 'now pay out.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Pay out?' says <i>Blaney</i>, grinning
+hideously. 'Why, what do you think I
+got into clink for?'</p>
+
+<p>"And the end comes with <i>Reginald</i>
+stalking 'elplessly outside the wire, an'
+<i>Blaney</i> laughing an' taunting 'im from
+inside."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't think much of it," said
+Chris critically. "I know that Slaney&mdash;'im
+what you call <i>Blaney</i>&mdash;did actually
+do you down real proper, but as a
+fillum it ain't a good ending."</p>
+
+<p>"P'r'aps it ain't&mdash;as it stands,"
+admitted Chippo, "but when I'm demobilized&mdash;when
+<i>Reginald</i> is demobilized,
+I should say, an' 'e 'appens to
+meet that <i>Jim Blaney</i> there'll be the
+finest fillum finish that's ever been released,
+if the police don't interfere."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/279.png"><img width="100%" src="images/279.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Informative Visitor</i> (<i>member of party viewing sights of London</i>). "<span class="sc">'Ere y'are, boys. On our left is the statoo of the famous
+singer, Albert 'All, and on the right we 'ave the Kensington Gas Works.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THIS FOR REMEMBRANCE.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[The Government is reported to have three
+million empty rum jars for sale.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I've long mused on buying a rifle,</p>
+<p class="i2">A chunk of an aeroplane's gear</p>
+<p>Or other belligerent trifle</p>
+<p class="i2">By way of a small souvenir;</p>
+<p>I've thought 'twould be fine (and your pardon</p>
+<p class="i2">I beg if this savours of swank)</p>
+<p>If the grotto that graces my garden</p>
+<p class="i2">Were topped by a tank.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>But only this morn I decided</p>
+<p class="i2">Exactly the thing I preferred</p>
+<p>To call back the prodigies I did</p>
+<p class="i2">When the call for fatigue men was heard;</p>
+<p>Though my life is again a civilian's,</p>
+<p class="i2">Martial glories shall come back to view</p>
+<p>If I buy from these derelict millions</p>
+<p class="i2">A rum jar or two.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Though the spirit's long since been a "goner,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Though the uttermost heel-tap be drained,</p>
+<p>I will give them a place of high honour,</p>
+<p class="i2">Well knowing that once they contained</p>
+<p>My solace when seasons were rotten,</p>
+<p class="i2">When the cold put my courage to flight,</p>
+<p>Or the sergeant, perchance, had forgotten</p>
+<p class="i2">To kiss me good-night.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>In a world that is apt to be trying,</p>
+<p class="i2">When things are inclined to go ill</p>
+<p>And I'm sitting despondently sighing,</p>
+<p class="i2">Perhaps they will comfort me still;</p>
+<p>At the sight of these humble mementoes</p>
+<p class="i2">It may be once more I shall know</p>
+<p>From the crown of my head to my ten toes</p>
+<p class="i2">That radiant glow.</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>Journalistic Candour.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Chances Missed.</span></p>
+
+<p>By <i>The Daily Mail</i> correspondent recently
+in France."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"'The Trojan Person in Pink' will fill the
+bill at the Haymarket."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Is this intended for a description of the
+lady to whom Paris gave the golden
+apple?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page280" id="page280"></a>[pg 280]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:85%;"><a href="images/280.png"><img width="100%" src="images/280.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE WORM TURNS.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">A JUGGLER'S COMIC ASSISTANT REFUSES TO MUFF HIS TRICKS.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>PRESENCE OF MIND.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Proud is not the word for me</p>
+<p>When I hear my 8-h.p.</p>
+<p>Latest model motor-bike,</p>
+<p>Having dodged the latest strike,</p>
+<p>Is awaiting me complete</p>
+<p>At the garage down the street.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Joyfully I take my way</p>
+<p>(And a cheque-book too to pay</p>
+<p>The two hundred odd they thought it</p>
+<p>Right to charge the man who bought it).</p>
+<p>Still, it is a lovely creature,</p>
+<p>Up-to-date in every feature,</p>
+<p><i>And</i> a side-car, painted carmine&mdash;</p>
+<p>Joy! to think they really <i>are</i> mine!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Time is short; I don't lose much in</p>
+<p>Starting, and I let the clutch in;</p>
+<p>Lest I should accelerate</p>
+<p>Passing through the garage-gate,</p>
+<p>Feeling certain as to what'll</p>
+<p>Happen, I shut off the throttle,</p>
+<p>When&mdash;my heart begins to beat&mdash;</p>
+<p>I'm propelled across the street</p>
+<p>In a way I never reckoned,</p>
+<p>Gathering speed at every second.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Frantic, I apply the brake,</p>
+<p>Realising my mistake</p>
+<p>With my last remaining wit:</p>
+<p><i>I've not shut, but opened it!</i></p>
+<p>In another instant I</p>
+<p>Hit the curb and start to fly.</p>
+<p>Aeronautic friends of mine</p>
+<p>Say that flying is divine;</p>
+<p>Now I've tried it I confess</p>
+<p>Few things interest me less,</p>
+<p>Still, I own that in a sense</p>
+<p>It is an experience.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>These and other thoughts are there</p>
+<p>As I whistle through the air,</p>
+<p>And continue till I stop</p>
+<p>In an ironmonger's shop</p>
+<p>(Kept by Mr. Horne, a kind</p>
+<p>Soul, but deaf and very blind).</p>
+<p>Still&mdash;I mention this with pride,</p>
+<p>For it shows how well I ride&mdash;</p>
+<p>I have left the bike outside.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<hr style="width: 20%; Margin-left: 1em; Margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em;" />
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Little Mrs. Horne is sitting</p>
+<p>In the neat back-parlour, knitting.</p>
+<p>Mr. Horne, who hears the din</p>
+<p>Which I make in coming in,</p>
+<p>Leaves the shop and says to her:</p>
+<p>"Martha, here's a customer.</p>
+<p>From the sound of clinking metal</p>
+<p>I should judge he wants a kettle."</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Mrs. H. shows some surprise</p>
+<p>At the sight that greets her eyes,</p>
+<p>And, in answer to her shout,</p>
+<p>Mr. H. comes running out.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<hr style="width: 20%; Margin-left: 1em; Margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em;" />
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Now, it's something of a strain</p>
+<p>On the busy human brain</p>
+<p>Passing through a window-pane</p>
+<p>To decide what it will do</p>
+<p>When at last it's safely through.</p>
+<p>As I gaze around I find&mdash;</p>
+<p>Horror! why, I must be blind!</p>
+<p>Blind or dead, I don't know which&mdash;</p>
+<p>All about is black as pitch;</p>
+<p>Thick the atmosphere as well</p>
+<p>With a dank metallic smell....</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Guessing that I am not dead</p>
+<p>I attempt to loose my head</p>
+<p>From a kettle's cold embrace;</p>
+<p>And, meanwhile, to save my face</p>
+<p>(Finding I can't get it out),</p>
+<p>Say politely&mdash;up the spout&mdash;</p>
+<p>"Lovely morning, is it not, Horne?</p>
+<p>Think I'll take this little lot, Horne;</p>
+<p>It is such a perfect fit,</p>
+<p>And I'm so attached to it</p>
+<p>That I find I cannot bring</p>
+<p>My own head to leave the thing.</p>
+<p>So you will oblige me greatly</p>
+<p>If you'll pack them separately."</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>The Housing Stringency.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"House for Sale 12 ft. by 1 ft., suitable for
+bed-sitting-room."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>Commercial Candour.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"We claim that we can do you anything in
+our line as well, or perhaps a little bit less
+than you will get it at many other places."</p>
+
+<p><i>Advt. in Local Paper.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Alleged Wallet-Snatcher Takes Two
+Omnibuses.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Evening News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>No wonder there is a shortage in
+London travelling facilities.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page281" id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span><h3>THE WORD-BUILDERS;</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">A Shortage of Straw.</span></p>
+
+<p>Aitchkin has been doing great things
+in forage, but prosperity has not spoilt
+him. Although he must be aware that
+I remember him in pre-war days, when
+he used to strap-hang to the City with
+his lunch in a satchel, nevertheless he
+often invites me round on those rare occasions
+when he dines quietly at home.</p>
+
+<p>The other evening, as he toyed with
+a modest eight-course dinner, I perceived
+that his cheerfulness was a trifle
+forced, and I thought that probably he
+was worrying over the behaviour of his
+little son, who, tiring that afternoon of
+his motor scooter, had done incalculable
+damage to the orchid-house with a
+home-made catapult.</p>
+
+<p>When we were left alone with our
+cigars he unburdened his soul. It
+appears that, ever since the Armistice,
+ambition has spurred Aitchkin to be
+something more than the "&amp; Co." of a
+firm which has become torpid with war
+profits. He had decided to start in
+business "on his lonesome," and to
+make "Aitchkin" and "forage" synonymous
+terms. Already he had taken
+over the premises of a sovereign purse-maker
+at a "reasonable figure." (When
+Aitchkin is "reasonable" somebody
+loses money.) But his bargain did not
+include a Telegraphic Address, and that
+morning, working from his letter-heading,
+"Alfred Aitchkin," he had brought
+himself to compose an appropriate
+word. To the "Alf" of the Christian
+name he added "Alpha" representing
+the initial of the surname (I suspected
+the assistance of his lady-typist), making
+the complete word "Alf-Alpha" or,
+written phonetically, "Alfalfa"&mdash;Spanish
+for lucerne. It was a word which
+could not fail to fix itself indelibly in
+the minds of his clients, for it recalled
+not only Aitchkin's name, but the commodity
+he dealt in. Full of the pride
+of authorship he had driven round to the
+G.P.O. in his touring car.</p>
+
+<p>"But they crabbed it at once," he
+said sadly. "Telegraphic addresses
+nowadays have to conform to a lot of
+rotten new rules."</p>
+
+<p>He handed me a slip of paper on
+which, over the dead body of "Alfalfa,"
+he had jotted down the following
+notes:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>(1) Not less than eight, not more
+than ten letters.</p>
+
+<p>(2) Must not be composed of words
+or parts of words.</p>
+
+<p>(3) Words or parts of words may be
+accepted if they appear in the middle.</p>
+
+<p>(4) Must not look like a word.</p>
+
+<p>(5) Must be pronounceable.</p>
+
+<p>(6) Russian names, on account of
+their unusual spelling might be accepted.</p>
+
+<p>"And what's more," Aitchkin continued,
+"even when you've got a word
+which the Department will accept, it
+has to be submitted to a Committee
+who take 'ten to fourteen days' to
+make up their minds."</p>
+
+<p>A faint tinkling of the piano came to
+our ears. Mrs. Aitchkin was waiting
+to sing to us. I produced pencil and
+paper and threw myself heart and soul
+into Aitchkin's problem.</p>
+
+<p>"Rules 2 and 3 are a little contradictory,"
+I said, "and it will require no
+slight ingenuity to form a combination
+of letters which shall be pronounceable
+(Rule 5) and yet avoid the damnable
+appearance of a word (Rule 4). The concession
+about Russian names reminds
+me of something I have read about
+shaking hands with murder. In any
+case it is a barren concession, because,
+as we have seen, telegraphic addresses
+must be pronounceable. There is something
+sinister here," I continued. "This
+is the work of no ordinary mind. Some
+legal brain is behind all this."</p>
+
+<p>Love of the bizarre and the latitude
+of the Russian Rule led me to make
+my first attempt with the name of that
+all-round Bolshevik sportsman, <span class="sc">Blodnjinkoff</span>,
+and I was endeavouring to
+abridge it to not less than eight and not
+more than ten letters without spoiling
+the natural beauty of the name when
+Aitchkin stopped me rather brusquely.
+And my next effort, "<span class="sc">Plucr&oelig;s</span>," he
+quashed, because he said that the implacable
+suspicion of the G.P.O. would
+be at once aroused by the diphthong. I
+fancy, though, from the narrowing of
+his eyes that he had some misgivings
+as to the derivation of the word.</p>
+
+<p>I then set to work with alternate
+consonants and vowels (which must
+give a pronounceable word), dealing
+with difficulties under the other rules
+as they might arise. Meanwhile Aitchkin,
+after the manner of an obstructionist
+official of the worst type, sat
+over me with the rules, condemning my
+results. Even "Telegrams: <span class="sc">Hahahahaha</span>
+London," merely caused him to
+sniff contemptuously.</p>
+
+<p>"You'll like this one," I exclaimed&mdash;"<span class="sc">Arleyota</span>.
+This is a combination of
+the word 'barley' (the 'b' being
+treated as obsolete like the 'n' in
+'norange') and the word 'oat' with
+the 'a' and 't' transposed."</p>
+
+<p>Aitchkin was interested. Breathing
+heavily, he tested the word with each
+rule in turn, while I sat relaxed in my
+chair. I pictured <span class="sc">Arleyota</span> passed by
+the Department and brought into a
+hushed chamber before a solemn conclave
+of experts. How they would
+probe and analyse it during those
+momentous ten to fourteen days. And
+what a sensation there would be when
+they discovered that <span class="sc">Arleyota</span> begins
+and ends with the indefinite article.</p>
+
+<p>Aitchkin thrust the papers into his
+pocket and rose abruptly, jamming the
+stopper more tightly into a decanter
+with his podgy hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Not too bad, <span class="sc">Arleyota</span>," he said
+loftily; "I'll get them to polish it up
+at the office to-morrow." (So I <i>was</i>
+right about the lady-typist).</p>
+
+<p>He opened the door and we passed
+out.</p>
+
+<p>"But it ends in <span class="sc">TA</span>," he shouted
+against the <i>Roses of Picardy</i> which
+now came with unbroken force from
+the drawing-room. "'<span class="sc">Ta</span>' is a word,
+you know."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>You</i> may use it as such," I bawled,
+"but they've never heard of it among
+the staff of the G.P.O."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE WANDERER IN NORFOLK.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>A Fantasia on East Anglian
+Place-Names.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Tired by the City's ceaseless roaring</p>
+<p>I fly to Great or Little Snoring;</p>
+<p>When crowds grow riotous and lawless</p>
+<p>I seek repose at Stratton Strawless;</p>
+<p>When feeling thoroughly week-endish</p>
+<p>I hie in haste to Barton Bendish,</p>
+<p>Or vegetate at Little Hautbois</p>
+<p>(Still uninvaded by the "dough-boy").</p>
+<p>The simple rustic fare of Brockdish</p>
+<p>Excels the choicest made or mock dish;</p>
+<p>Nor is there any <i>patois</i> so</p>
+<p>Superb as that of Spooner Row.</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Pett-Ridge's</span> lively <i>Arthur Lidlington</i></p>
+<p>Might possibly be bored at Didlington;</p>
+<p>And I admit that it would stump <span class="sc">Shaw</span></p>
+<p>To stir up a revolt at Strumpshaw.</p>
+<p>The spirits of unrest are wholly</p>
+<p>Out of their element at Sloley;</p>
+<p>But even the weariest straphanger</p>
+<p>Regains his courage at Shelfanger.</p>
+<p>No taint of Bolshevistic snarling</p>
+<p>Poisons the atmosphere of Larling,</p>
+<p>And infants in the throes of teething</p>
+<p>Become seraphical at Seething.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Nor must my homely Muse be mute on</p>
+<p>The charms of Guist and Sall and Booton,</p>
+<p>Shimpling and Tattersett and Stody</p>
+<p>(Which, be it noted, rhymes with ruddy),</p>
+<p>And fair Winfarthing, where <span class="sc">King Tino</span></p>
+<p>Would seek in vain for a casino</p>
+<p>Or even a flask of maraschino.</p>
+<p>For here, far from the social scurry</p>
+<p>That devastates suburban Surrey,</p>
+<p>You find the authentic countryside;</p>
+<p>Here, taking Solitude for bride,</p>
+<p>The wanderer almost forgets</p>
+<p>The jazzing crowd, the miners' threats.</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"UNAPPROACHABLE</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Family Ales &amp; Stout.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Advt. in Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+
+<p>This should please Mr. "<span class="sc">Pussyfoot</span>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page282" id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/282.png"><img width="100%" src="images/282.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE NEW SPIRIT IN WEDDING GIFTS.</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page283" id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span><h2>ON THE WESTERN FRONT.</h2>
+
+<p>Once again we are "for it." It is
+that heavy hour between five and six
+when the vitality is all too low for
+the ordeal that awaits us. On either
+side the far-flung battle line of clustering
+figures stretches away into the
+gloom. It is an inspiring sight, this
+tense silent crowd of men of every
+class and vocation, united by a common
+purpose, grimly awaiting the
+moment when as one man
+they will hurl themselves into
+the fray.</p>
+
+<p>Is it the mere lust for fighting
+that has brought them
+here? Or is it the thought
+of the home that each hopes
+to return to that steels their
+courage and lends that <i>&eacute;lan</i>
+to their resolution without
+which one enters the struggle
+in vain?</p>
+
+<p>In the dim half-light I
+furtively scan the set faces
+around me and find myself
+wondering what thoughts
+those impassive masks conceal.
+Are they counting the
+cost? Most of them have
+been through the ordeal before.
+Pale faces there are&mdash;small
+wonder when one
+thinks of what lies before
+them. Here and there a man
+is puffing at his beloved "gasper"
+with the nonchalance
+that marks your bull-dog breed
+when stern work is afoot.</p>
+
+<p>Yet one cannot keep one's
+thoughts from the tremendous
+possibilities of the next
+few minutes. Where shall
+we be a few minutes hence?
+Some, one knows, will have
+gone West&mdash;and the others?
+Would they effect a lodgement,
+or be hurled back baffled
+and raging and impotent,
+as, alas! had too often been
+the case before?</p>
+
+<p>And what of those who
+were even now maybe preparing
+against our onslaught? Their
+intelligence could hardly have failed
+to warn them of our intentions. The
+position would be occupied, never fear,
+and in force, with seasoned men from
+the East.</p>
+
+<p>At last a stunning roar that seems
+to shake the very ground, rising to a
+shriek. Now it is each man for himself.
+The long line surges forward,
+looking eagerly for a breach. Now we
+can see our opponents&mdash;hate in their
+eyes&mdash;as they brace themselves for the
+shock. Now we are into them, fighting
+silently, with a sort of cold fury save
+where a muttered curse or the sharp
+cry of the injured bears testimony to
+the fierceness of the struggle.</p>
+
+<p>But see, they turn and waver. One
+more rush and we are through, driving
+them before us. The position is
+won.</p>
+
+<p>Breathing hard we look around at
+the havoc we have wrought, and suddenly
+the glamour of victory seems to
+fade and one loathes the whole senseless,
+savage business. We do not really
+hate these men. After all, they are our
+fellow-creatures.</p>
+
+<p>But what would you? One cannot
+spend the night on Charing Cross
+District platform.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/283.png"><img width="100%" src="images/283.png" alt="" /></a><h3>SHAKSPEARE AND THE NEW ART.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">What's here? The portrait of a blinking idiot?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Merchant of Venice, Act II. Sc. 9.</i></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a drapery firm's advertisement:</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"WE NEVER ALLOW</p>
+
+<p>DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER TO LEAVE THE <br />
+PREMISES IF WE CAN AVOID IT.</p>
+
+<p>IT DOESN'T PAY!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Scotch Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Suspiciously like a case of "Your money
+or your life!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BY THE STREAM.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Featuring the Premier.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> has returned
+from a visit to the haunts of his youth
+with renewed health and reinforced
+Welsh accent. The last day of his
+holiday was spent in fishing in the
+company of two friends; but unfortunately
+the newspapers failed to supply
+any details of the scene, a lack of enterprise
+which it is difficult to
+understand, especially on the
+part of the journals known
+to employ Rubicon experts
+on their staff. Happily we
+are able to give information
+which we have reason to
+believe will not be officially
+contradicted.</p>
+
+<p>From his childhood Mr.
+<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> has known
+intimately the romantic
+stream, named, for some unexplained
+reason, the Dwyfor
+river. To its musical murmur
+may be traced the
+mellifluous cadences of the
+statesman's voice employed
+so effectually in his appeals
+to Labour and the Paris
+Conference. Who can say
+what influences this little
+Welsh river, with its bubbling
+merriment, the flashing forceful
+leap of its cascades, its
+adroit avoidance of obstacles,
+may have had upon the career
+of the statesman of to-day,
+as through the years it has
+wound its way from the
+springs to the ocean? The
+senior fish of the Dwyfor are
+well known to him, and they
+gather fearlessly in large numbers
+to smile at his bait and to
+point it out to their friends.</p>
+
+<p>Towards the end of the day
+a humorous incident occurred.
+A keeper appeared on the opposite
+bank of the river and
+excitedly warned the party
+that they were trespassing,
+requesting them to retire.
+To his amazement his demands were
+ignored, and the trespassers replied to
+his protests by singing "The Land
+Song," the <span class="sc">Premier's</span> rich tenor voice
+being easily distinguished above the
+roar of a neighbouring cascade.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Lieut &mdash;&mdash; proposed that Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, our
+present vice-chairman, be elected to the chair
+until the usual election of officials took place,
+by that time a capable member would probably
+be found willing to accept the position.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. &mdash;&mdash; thanked the proposer and seconders
+for their compliment."&mdash;<i>Service Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The new chairman seems to be easily
+pleased.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page284" id="page284"></a>[pg 284]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/284.png"><img width="100%" src="images/284.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Sunday School Teacher.</i> "<span class="sc">Dear me, Maggie, you're not going away before the service is begun?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Girl.</i> "<span class="sc">It's our Freddie, Miss. 'E's swallowed the collection.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>Inevitably you will find a sad significance in the title of
+<i>Harvest</i> (<span class="sc">Collins</span>), the last story, I suppose, that we shall
+have from the pen of Mrs. <span class="sc">Humphrey Ward</span>. It is a quite
+simple tale, very simply told, and of worth less for its inherent
+drama than for the admirable picture it gives of rural
+England in the last greatest days of the Great War. How
+quick was the writer's sympathy with every phase of the
+national ordeal is proved again by a score of vivid passages
+in which the fortunes of her characters are dated by the
+tremendous events that form their background. The story
+itself is of two women in partnership on a Midland farm, one
+of whom, the senior, has in her past certain secret episodes
+which, as is the way of such things, return to find her out
+and bring her happiness to ruin. The character of this
+<i>Janet</i> is well and vigorously drawn, though there is perhaps
+little in her personality as shown here to make understandable
+the passion of her past. All the details of life on the
+land in the autumn of 1918 are given with a skill that
+brings into the book not only the scent of the wheat-field
+but the stress, emotional and economic, of those unforgettable
+months. Because it is all so typically English one
+may call it a true consummation of the work of one who
+loved England well. In Mrs. <span class="sc">Ward's</span> death the world of
+letters mourns the loss of a writer whose talent was ever
+ungrudgingly at the service of her country. She leaves a
+gap that it will be hard to fill.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In some ways I think that they will be fortunate who do
+not read <i>A Remedy Against Sin</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) till the
+vicissitudes of book-life have deprived it of its pictorial
+wrapper, because, though highly attractive as a drawing,
+the very charmingly-clad minx of the illustration is hardly
+a figure to increase one's sympathy with her as an injured
+heroine. And of course it is precisely this sympathy that
+Mr. <span class="sc">W. B. Maxwell</span> is playing for&mdash;first, last and all the
+time. His title and the puff's preliminary will doubtless
+have given you the aim of the story, "to influence the public
+mind on one of the most vital questions of the day," the
+injustice of our divorce laws. For this end Mr. <span class="sc">Maxwell</span>
+has exercised all his ability on the picture of a foolish young
+wife, chained to a lout who is shown passing swiftly from
+worse to unbearable, and herself broken at last by the
+ordeal of the witness-box in a "defended action." Inevitably
+such a book, a record of disillusion and increasing misery,
+can hardly be cheerful; tales with a purpose seldom are.
+But the poignant humanity of it will hold your sympathy
+throughout. You may think that Mr. <span class="sc">Maxwell</span> too obviously
+loads his dice, and be aware also that (like others of
+its kind) the story suffers from over-concentration on a
+single theme. It moves in a world of incompatibles. The
+heroine's kindly friend is tied to a dipsomaniac wife; her
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page285" id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span>coachman has no remedy for a ruined home because of the
+expense of divorce, and so on. To a great extent, however,
+Mr. <span class="sc">Maxwell's</span> craft has enabled him to overcome even
+these obstacles; his characters, though you may suspect
+manipulation, remain true types of their rather tiresome
+kind, and the result is a book that, though depressing,
+refuses to be put down. But as a wedding-present&mdash;no!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>The Underworld</i> (<span class="sc">Jenkins</span>) describes life round about and
+down below a small coal-mine in Scotland something near
+thirty years ago. Its author, <span class="sc">James Welsh</span>, tells us in a
+simple manly preface that he became a miner at the age
+of twelve, and worked at every phase of coal-getting till
+lately he was appointed check-weigher by his fellows, and
+therefore writes of what he knows at first hand. Here
+then is a straightforward tale with for hero a sensitive and
+enthusiastic young miner who draws his inspiration from
+<span class="sc">Bob Smillie</span>, loses his girl to the coal-owner's son and his
+life in a rescue-party. The villain, double-dyed, is not the
+coal-owner but his "gaffer," who favours his men as to
+choice of position at
+the coal-face in return
+for favours received
+from their wives. The
+chief surprise to the
+reader will be the difference
+between the status
+and power of the miner
+then and now. The
+writer has a considerable
+skill in composing
+effective dialogue, especially
+between his
+men; gives a convincing
+picture of the pit
+and home life, the
+anxieties, courage, affections
+and aspirations
+of the friends of whom
+he is "so proud." Nor
+does he cover up their
+weaknesses. Purple
+passages of fine writing
+show his inexperience
+slipping into pitfalls by the way, but his work rings true
+and deserves to be read by many at the present time when
+miners are so far from being victims of "the block"&mdash;the
+employers' device for starving out a "difficult" man&mdash;that
+they look like fitting the boot to another leg. One is made
+to realise their anxiety to get rid of that boot.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>How They Did It</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>) may be regarded as a novel
+with a purpose, and, like most such, suffers from the defects
+of its good intentions. The object is "an exposure of war
+muddling at home," and it must be admitted that Mr.
+<span class="sc">Gerald O'Donovan</span> gives us no half-measure; indeed I
+was left with the idea that greater moderation would have
+made a better case. To illustrate it, he takes his hero,
+<i>David Grant</i>, through a variety of experiences. Incapacitated
+from active fighting through the loss of an arm, he is
+given work as a housing officer on the Home Front. His endeavours
+to check the alleged extravagance and corruption of
+this command led to his being "invalided out"; after which
+he wanders round seeking civilian war-work (and marking
+only dishonesty everywhere), and ends up with a post in
+the huge, newly-formed and almost entirely farcical Ministry
+of Business. This final epithet puts in one word my
+criticism of Mr. <span class="sc">O'Donovan's</span> method. Everyone admits the
+large grain of truth in his charges; the trouble is that he
+has too often allowed an honest indignation to carry him
+past his mark into the regions of burlesque, and in particular
+to confuse character with caricature. But as a
+topical squib, briskly written, <i>How They Did It</i> will provide
+plenty of angry amusement, with enough suggestion of
+the <i>roman &agrave; clef</i> to keep the curious happy in fitting
+originals to its many portraits. I should perhaps add that
+the plot, such as it is, is held together by a rather perfunctory
+and intermittent love-affair, too obviously employed
+only to fill up time while the author is thinking
+out some fresh exposure. This I regretted, as <i>Mary</i>, the
+heroine, is here a shadow of what seems attractive and
+original substance. I wonder that the author did not invent
+for her a Ministry of Romance. He is quite capable of it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Among the writers who have established stable reputations
+for themselves during the War "<span class="sc">Klaxon</span>" is in the
+very front rank. This is partly due to an easy natural style,
+but most to a sound judgment and an amazingly clear eye
+for essentials. To those (not myself) who want to forget the
+last few years it may
+seem that we have
+already been given
+enough opportunities
+to read about our submarines.
+Well, I have
+read nearly everything
+that has been written on
+this subject and could
+yet draw great delight
+from <i>The Story of Our
+Submarines</i> (<span class="sc">Blackwood</span>),
+a most informing
+and fascinating
+book. "Whatever happens,"
+says "<span class="sc">Klaxon</span>,"
+"the German policy
+of torpedoing merchant
+ships without warning
+must be made not only
+illegal but unsafe for a
+nation adopting it....
+If these notes of mine
+serve no other purpose,
+they will, at any rate, do something towards differentiating
+between the submarine and the U-boat." By which it will be
+seen that to his many other claims on our regard "<span class="sc">Klaxon</span>"
+adds the gift, not always found among experts, of modesty.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/285.png"><img width="100%" src="images/285.png" alt="" /></a><p>DISGUST OF AN ARTIST ON FINDING HIS ACADEMY SUCCESS
+OF 1899 AT AN AUCTION OF MISCELLANEOUS ARTICLES LEFT
+BEHIND IN RAILWAY CARRIAGES.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE VISIT.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When I went to Fairyland, visiting the Queen,</p>
+<p>I rode upon a peacock, blue and gold and green;</p>
+<p>Silver was the harness, crimson were the reins,</p>
+<p>All hung about with little bells that swung on silken chains.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>When I went to Fairyland, indeed you cannot think</p>
+<p>What pretty things I had to eat, what pretty things to drink;</p>
+<p>And did you know that butterflies could sing like little birds?</p>
+<p>And did you guess that fairy-talk is not a bit like words?</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>When I went to Fairyland&mdash;of all the lovely things!&mdash;</p>
+<p>They really taught me how to fly, they gave me fairy wings;</p>
+<p>And every night I listen for a tapping on the pane&mdash;</p>
+<p>I want so very much to go to Fairyland again.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>R. F.</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Wanted, Bedroom and Sitting room (furnished), with use of bathroom,
+without attendance."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We share the advertiser's desire for privacy during ablutions.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, April 14, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22957-h.htm or 22957-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/9/5/22957/
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/22957-h/images/267.png b/22957-h/images/267.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..282d652
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/267.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/269.png b/22957-h/images/269.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6972915
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/269.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/270.png b/22957-h/images/270.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..75e8176
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/270.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/271.png b/22957-h/images/271.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fcb879c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/271.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/273.png b/22957-h/images/273.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7a61412
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/273.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/274.png b/22957-h/images/274.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..36e20d8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/274.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/275.png b/22957-h/images/275.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4e932c7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/275.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/276.png b/22957-h/images/276.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..06dfc9c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/276.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/277.png b/22957-h/images/277.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f10819c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/277.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/278.png b/22957-h/images/278.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6512750
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/278.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/279.png b/22957-h/images/279.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1d13de1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/279.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/280.png b/22957-h/images/280.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3c4cda8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/280.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/282.png b/22957-h/images/282.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b8fa3ad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/282.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/283.png b/22957-h/images/283.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0234657
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/283.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/284.png b/22957-h/images/284.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cdc088e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/284.png
diff --git a/22957-h/images/285.png b/22957-h/images/285.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..594216d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-h/images/285.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p281-image.png b/22957-page-images/p281-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c798173
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p281-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p281.png b/22957-page-images/p281.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..27eb500
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p281.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p282.png b/22957-page-images/p282.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fd34a70
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p282.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p283-image.png b/22957-page-images/p283-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5f882ab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p283-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p283.png b/22957-page-images/p283.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cbd36c2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p283.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p284-image.png b/22957-page-images/p284-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cebffaa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p284-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p284.png b/22957-page-images/p284.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5173535
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p284.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p285-image.png b/22957-page-images/p285-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..40c0a65
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p285-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p285.png b/22957-page-images/p285.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..511d3c1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p285.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p286.png b/22957-page-images/p286.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..855d8da
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p286.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p287-image.png b/22957-page-images/p287-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..75a5749
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p287-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p287.png b/22957-page-images/p287.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..be47fde
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p287.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p288-image.png b/22957-page-images/p288-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e5669bc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p288-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p288.png b/22957-page-images/p288.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8e61021
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p288.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p289-image.png b/22957-page-images/p289-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..922cecf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p289-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p289.png b/22957-page-images/p289.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..692bca3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p289.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p290-image.png b/22957-page-images/p290-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..065fc87
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p290-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p290.png b/22957-page-images/p290.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..72d596b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p290.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p291-image.png b/22957-page-images/p291-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0eea236
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p291-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p291.png b/22957-page-images/p291.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6a90111
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p291.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p293-image.png b/22957-page-images/p293-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9c98261
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p293-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p293.png b/22957-page-images/p293.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8708cbf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p293.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p294-image.png b/22957-page-images/p294-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cabedef
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p294-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p294.png b/22957-page-images/p294.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e8421e5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p294.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p295-image.png b/22957-page-images/p295-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7f81310
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p295-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p295.png b/22957-page-images/p295.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b33232b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p295.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p296.png b/22957-page-images/p296.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b5d9533
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p296.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p297-image.png b/22957-page-images/p297-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4174607
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p297-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p297.png b/22957-page-images/p297.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..27668f2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p297.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p298-image.png b/22957-page-images/p298-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e67e11e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p298-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p298.png b/22957-page-images/p298.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7813020
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p298.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p299-image.png b/22957-page-images/p299-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..609b838
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p299-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p299.png b/22957-page-images/p299.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..31d4822
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p299.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p300-image.png b/22957-page-images/p300-image.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c24bf67
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p300-image.png
diff --git a/22957-page-images/p300.png b/22957-page-images/p300.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f7129a6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957-page-images/p300.png
diff --git a/22957.txt b/22957.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d14a274
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2153 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+April 14, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, April 14, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: October 11, 2007 [EBook #22957]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+*** Transcriber's Note: typo "thundebrolt" changed to thunderbolt on page
+267. The symbol + was used to bracket where text appeared upside down in
+the original. ***
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+Vol. 158.
+
+
+
+
+April 14, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"Hat-pins to match the colour of the eyes are to be very fashionable this
+year," according to a Trade journal. This should be good news to those
+Tube-travellers who object to having green hat-pins stuck in their blue
+eyes.
+
+       * * *
+
+Enterprise cannot be dead if it is really true that a well-known publisher
+has at last managed to persuade Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL to write a few words
+concerning the Labour Question.
+
+       * * *
+
+"I have never been knocked down by a motor omnibus," says Mr. JUSTICE
+DARLING. The famous judge should not complain. He must take his turn like
+the rest of us.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Never pull the doorbell too hard" is the advice of a writer on etiquette
+in a ladies' journal. When calling at a new wooden house the safest plan is
+not to pull the bell at all.
+
+       * * *
+
+"American bacon opened stronger yesterday," says a market report. If it
+opened any stronger than the last lot we bought it must have "gone some."
+
+       * * *
+
+Five golf balls were discovered inside a cow which was found dead last week
+on a Hertfordshire golf course. We understand that a certain member of the
+Club who lost half-a-dozen balls at Easter-time has demanded a recount.
+
+       * * *
+
+"An Englishman's place is by his own fireside," declares a writer in the
+Sunday Press. This is the first intimation we have received that
+Spring-cleaning is over.
+
+       * * *
+
+A serious quarrel between two prominent Sinn Feiners is reported. It
+appears that one accused the other of being "no murderer."
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Commercial Bribery and Tipping Review_, a new American publication,
+offers a prize of four pounds for the best article on "Why I believe
+barbers should not be tipped." The barbers claim that what they receive is
+not a tip, but the Price of Silence.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to an evening paper, crowds can be seen in London every day
+waiting to go into the pit. Oh, if only they were miners!
+
+       * * *
+
+"It is the last whisky at night which always overcomes me," said a
+defendant at the Guildhall. "A good plan," says a correspondent, "is to
+finish with the last whisky but one."
+
+       * * *
+
+The British Admiralty are offering two hundred and fifty war vessels for
+sale. This is just the chance for people who contemplate setting up in
+business as a new country.
+
+       * * *
+
+"A good tailor," says a fashion writer, "can always give his customer a
+good fit if he tries." All he has to do, of course, is to send the bill in.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. ALLDAY, a resident in Lundy Island for twenty years, who has just
+arrived in London, states that he has never seen a tax-collector. There is
+some talk of starting a fund with the object of presenting him with one.
+
+       * * *
+
+Dunmow workhouse is offered for sale. A great many people are anxious to
+buy it with the object of putting it aside for a rainy day.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Houndsditch firm has just had a telephone installed which was ordered six
+years ago. This, however, is not a record. Quite a number of instruments
+have been fitted up in less time than this.
+
+       * * *
+
+We understand that the thunderbolt which fell at Chester is not the one
+that the PREMIER intended to drop this month.
+
+       * * *
+
+Signor CAPRONI, lecturing in New York, says that aeroplanes capable of
+carrying five hundred passengers will shortly be constructed. We can only
+say that anybody can have our seat.
+
+       * * *
+
+Since _The Daily Express_ tirade against the officials of the Zoo visitors
+are requested not to go too near the Fellows.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The French army," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "will soon be all over."
+It does not say what; but if our late enemy continues the violation of the
+Peace Treaty the missing word should be "Germany."
+
+       * * *
+
+Birds, says _The Times_, are nesting in the plane-trees of Printing House
+Square. Some of the fledglings, we are informed, are already learning to
+whistle the familiar Northcliffe air, "LLOYD GEORGE Must Go," quite
+distinctly.
+
+       * * *
+
+The National Portrait Gallery, occupied by the War Office since 1914, has
+just been reopened. The rumour that a Brigadier-General who had eluded all
+attempts to evacuate him was still hanging about disguised as a portrait of
+Mrs. SIDDONS attracted a large attendance.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Corporation of Waterford has refused to recognise "Summer" time. One
+gathers that it is still the winter of their discontent down there.
+
+       * * *
+
+Sinn Feiners are now asking for the abolition of the Royal Irish
+Constabulary, and it is feared that, unless their request is granted, they
+may resort to violence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THOUGH THE MATERIAL, SIR, IS SOMEWHAT MORE EXPENSIVE, THE
+LEATHER BRACE HAS THE GREAT ADVANTAGE THAT IT LASTS FOR EVER; AND,
+MOREOVER, WHEN IT WEARS OUT IT MAKES AN EXCELLENT RAZOR-STROP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Mrs. ---- Requires useful Ladies' Maid, for Bath and country; only
+     ex-soldier or sailor need apply."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+A job that will obviously need a man of proved courage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WISDOM UP TO DATE--12TH EDITION.
+
+     [_The Times_ has announced, in two consecutive issues, that Mr. HUGH
+     CHISHOLM has retired from the control of its financial columns in
+     order to resume his editorship of the _Encyclopaedia Britannica_. One
+     seems here to catch a faint echo of the proprietary booming of the
+     10th Edition by _The Times_ and Mr. HOOPER. The present publishers are
+     the Cambridge University Press.]
+
+  It is a common object of remark
+    How many things in life are periodic,
+  Some punctual (like the nesting of the lark,
+    Or Derby-day), and others more spasmodic,
+  Recurring loosely when the hour is ripe;
+  And here I sing a sample of the latter type.
+
+  Nine years have coursed with their accustomed speed
+    Since England hailed its previous apparition,
+  Since every man and woman who could read,
+    Wanting the nearest way to erudition,
+  Bought as an ornament of her (or his) home
+  The monumental masterpiece of Mr. CHISHOLM.
+
+  Much has occurred meanwhile of new and strange;
+    _E.g._, in matters purely scientific
+  Great Thinkers, eager to enlarge our range,
+    Have (on the lethal side) been most prolific;
+  Ten tomes would scarce contain what might be said on
+  Their contributions to the recent Armageddon.
+
+  What wonder if the Editor forsakes
+    The conduct of _The Times'_ financial pages?
+  An even weightier task he undertakes
+    Than to report on bullion; he engages
+  To let us know, by 1922,
+  All things (or more) that anybody ever knew.
+
+  Why should he care if Oil-cakes fall or jump?
+    He has the Total Universe for oyster;
+  Yankees may yield a point or Rubbers slump,
+    Yet not for such things shall his eye grow moister,
+  Save when, by force of habit, he admits
+  "A heavy tendency to-day in Ency. Brits."
+
+  Could but _The Times_ revive its ancient part,
+    Repeat its famous turn of dollar-scooping!
+  O memories of the urgent boomster's art,
+    And that persistent noise of HOOPER whooping,
+  Down to the Last Chance and the Closing Door,
+  And then the Absolutely Last, and then some more!
+
+  Those shrill appeals to get the Work TO-DAY
+    (With the superb revolving fumed-oak garage)--
+  How well they followed up their fearful prey
+    Till the massed thunders of the final barrage
+  Such pressure on your tympanum would bring
+  That you could bear no more, and _had_ to buy the thing.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Giant's Robe--Cheap.
+
+     "FOR SALE.--Superior Dress Suit, 37 chest, City made, silk facings and
+     lining, worn twice, no further use, suitable for individual 7 ft. 8
+     in. Price 4 guineas."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "PAYING GUESTS WANTED--From 1st June, married couple with no children;
+     also at once, single married lady or gentleman for three single rooms
+     or one single married couple."--_Indian Paper._
+
+To be in keeping with the inhabitants the house, no doubt, is
+"semi-detached."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "250 WORDS.                     TWO GUINEAS.
+             THE YOUNG WIFE'S ALLOWANCE."
+
+     _Daily Paper._
+
+The young husband who tries to get off for two guineas will find that the
+young wife regards two hundred and fifty words as entirely inadequate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SUPER-PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.
+
+The meagre and tantalizing report of Lord Northsquith's great journey
+through Spain and North Africa which has been issued through Reuter's
+agency has stimulated but not allayed curiosity. It is therefore with
+unfeigned pleasure that we are able to supplement this jejune summary with
+some absolutely authentic details supplied us by a Levantine detective of
+unimpeachable veracity who shadowed the party.
+
+Of the journey through Spain he has little to say. Lord Northsquith
+attended a bull-fight at Seville, at which an extraordinary incident
+occurred. At the moment when the distinguished visitor entered the ring and
+was taking his seat in the Royal Box, the bull, a huge and remarkably
+ferocious animal, suddenly threw up its hind legs and, after pawing the air
+convulsively for a few seconds, fell dead on the spot. No reason could be
+assigned for this rash act, which caused a very painful impression, but it
+is a curious fact that it synchronized exactly with the issue of the
+special edition of the Seville evening _Tarantula_, with the placard
+"Strange behaviour (_extravagancia_) of the British Prime Minister."
+
+At a subsequent interview with Count ROMANONES, Lord Northsquith was
+reluctantly obliged to confirm the statement that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was
+still under the impression that the Spanish Alhambra was a late replica of
+a theatre in London, but begged him not to attach undue importance to the
+misapprehension.
+
+The tour in Morocco was not attended by any specially untoward incidents,
+but at Marrakesh a group of Berbers evinced some hostility, which was
+promptly converted into effusive enthusiasm on their learning that Lord
+Northsquith was not of Welsh origin. Similar assurances were conveyed to
+the sardine-fishers of the coast, with beneficial results. The Pasha of
+Marrakesh expressed the hope that Lord Northsquith was not disappointed
+with the Morocco Atlas, and the illustrious stranger wittily rejoined, "No,
+but you should see my new morocco-bound _Times_ Atlas." When the remark was
+translated to the Pasha he laughed very courteously.
+
+Always interested in the relics of the mighty past Lord Northsquith made a
+special trip to the East Algerian Highlands to visit Timgad, and spent
+several minutes in the _tepidarium_ of the Roman baths. It was understood
+from the expression of his features that he was profoundly impressed by the
+superiority of the arrangements over those contemplated by the Coalition
+Minister of Health in the new bath-houses to be erected in Limehouse.
+
+Lastly the tour included a flying visit to Carthage. The French
+archaeologists in charge of the excavations had recently dug up a colossal
+statue of HANNIBAL, and the resemblance to Lord Northsquith was so
+extraordinary that many of them were moved to transports of delight. They
+were however unanimous in their conviction that the deplorable state of the
+ruins was largely, if not entirely, due to Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S ignorance of
+Phoenician geography.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Startling Disclosure.
+
+From "Answers to Correspondents" in a Canadian Paper:
+
+     "Q.--Is it not a fact, that all of Lipton's challengers were built
+     stronger and heavier than the American cup defenders, to enable them
+     to cross the Atlantic?--A. D. B., Montreal.
+
+     A.--Yes, they were built stronger as they had to cross the ocean under
+     their own steam."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Serious injuries were sustained by ----, aged 54, while assisting in
+     discharging cargo. Shortly before one o'clock, it is stated, a cheese
+     struck him and knocked him down."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We have always maintained that these dangerous creatures should not be
+allowed to run loose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "WITHDRAWAL" FROM MOSCOW.
+
+CHORUS OF HALF-REVOLUTIONISTS SUPPORT MESSRS. SNOWDEN AND RAMSAY MACDONALD
+BY SINGING "THE RED (BUT NOT TOO RED) FLAG."
+
+[The Independent Labour Party by a large majority has voted in favour of
+withdrawing from the Moscow Internationale.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TENNIS PROSPECTS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITTLE BITS OF LONDON.
+
+THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+The guide-books have a good deal to say about the Houses of Parliament, but
+the people who write guide-books never go to the really amusing places and
+never know the really interesting things. For instance they have never yet
+explained what it is that the House of Commons smells of. I do not refer to
+the actual Chamber, which merely smells like the Tube, but the lofty
+passages and lobbies where the statues are. The smell, I think, is a
+mixture of cathedrals and soap. It is a baffling but rather seductive
+smell, and they tell me that the policemen miss it when they are
+transferred to point-duty. Possibly it is this smell which makes
+ex-Premiers want to go back there.
+
+But let us have no cheap mockery of the Houses of Parliament, because there
+is a lot to be said for them. They are much the best houses for
+hide-and-seek I know. The parts which are dear to the public, the cathedral
+parts, are no good for that, but behind them and under them and all round
+them there are miles and miles of superb secret passages and back
+staircases, the very place for a wet afternoon. They are decorated like
+second-class waiting-rooms and lead to a lot of rooms like third-class
+waiting-rooms; and at every corner there is a policeman; but this only adds
+to the excitement. Besides, at any moment you may blunder into some very
+secret waiting-room labelled "Serjeant-at-Arms."
+
+If you are seen by the SERJEANT-AT-ARMS you have lost the game, and if you
+are seen by a Lord of the Treasury I gather from the policemen that you
+would be put in the Tower. Or you may start light-heartedly from the
+Refreshment Department of the House of Commons and find yourself suddenly
+in the bowels of the House of Lords, probably in the very passage to the
+LORD CHANCELLOR'S Secretary's Room.
+
+Still, there is no other way for Private Secretaries to take exercise and
+at the same time avoid their Members without actually leaving the building,
+so risks of that sort have to be faced.
+
+While the Private Secretary is playing hide-and-seek in the passages and
+purlieus his Member waits for him in the Secretaries' Room. The
+Secretaries' Room is the real seat of legislation in this country, and it
+is surprising that Mr. BAGEHOT gave it no place in his account of the
+Constitution. It is also surprising, in view of its importance, that it
+should be such a dismal, ill-furnished and thoroughly mouldy room. It is a
+rotten room. Mr. ASQUITH, when a Private Secretary, is reported to have
+said of it, "In the whole course of my political career I can recall no
+case of administrative myopia at all parallel to the folly or ineptitude
+which has condemned the authors of legislation in His Majesty's Parliament
+to discharge their functions in this grotesque travesty of a legislative
+chamber, this sombre and obscure repository of mouldering archives and
+forgotten records, where the constructive statesmen of to-morrow are
+expected to shape their Utopias in an atmosphere of disillusion and decay,
+in surroundings appointed to be the shameful sepulchre of the nostrums of
+the past." If that is what Mr. ASQUITH said, I agree with him; if he didn't
+say it, I wish he had.
+
+The room is pitch-dark always, and it is full of tables and tomes. The
+tables are waiting-room tables and the tomes are as Mr. ASQUITH has
+described them. It is divided into two by a swing-door. One part is the
+female Private Secretary part, the other is the male Private Secretary
+part, and it is lamentable to record that no romance has ever occurred
+between a male Private Secretary and a female one.
+
+The room is plentifully supplied with House of Commons' stationery, which
+disappears at an astonishing rate. This is because the Members come in and
+remove it by the gross, knowing full well that the SERJEANT-AT-ARMS will
+suspect the Private Secretaries. It is a hard world.
+
+However, this is where the Members come to their Private Secretaries for
+instructions. They come there nominally to dictate letters to their
+constituents, but really they come to be told what amendments to move and
+what questions to ask and what the Drainage Bill is about, and whether they
+ought to support the Dentist Qualification (Ireland) (No. 2) Bill, or not.
+It is awful to think that if the Private Secretaries downed tools the whole
+machinery of Parliament would stop. No questions would be asked and no
+amendments moved and no speeches made. The Government would have things all
+their own way. Unless, of course, the Government's Private Secretaries
+struck too. But of course the Government's Private Secretaries never would,
+the dirty blacklegs!
+
+After the Secretaries' Room perhaps the most interesting thing in the two
+Houses is the House of Lords sitting as the Supreme Court. Everybody ought
+to see that. There is a nice old man sitting in the middle in plain clothes
+and several other nice old men in plain clothes sitting about on the
+benches, with little card-tables in front of them. Two or three of them
+have beards, which is against the best traditions of the Law. But they are
+very jolly old men, and now and then one of them sits up and moves his
+lips. You can see then that he is putting a sly question to the barrister
+who is talking at the counter, though you can't hear anything because they
+all whisper. While the barrister is answering, another old man wakes up and
+puts a sly question, so as to confuse the barrister. That is the game. The
+barrister who gets thoroughly annoyed first loses the case.
+
+They have quite enough to annoy them already. They are all cooped up in a
+minute pen about eight feet square. There are eight of them, four K.C.'s
+and four underlings. They have nowhere to put their papers and nowhere to
+stretch their legs. They sit there getting cramp, or they stand at the
+counter talking to the old men. In either position they grow more and more
+annoyed. Four of them are famous men, earning thousands and thousands. Why
+do they endure it? Because lawyers, contrary to the common belief, are the
+most long-suffering profession in the world. That is why they are the only
+Trade Union whose members have only half-an-hour for lunch. Well, it is
+their funeral; but if I were a K.C. sitting in that pen, with the whole of
+the House of Lords empty in front of me, I should get over the counter and
+walk about. Then the LORD CHANCELLOR might have a fit; and that alone would
+make it worth while.
+
+The only other interesting place in the Houses of Parliament is the
+Strangers' Dining Room. This is interesting because the Members there are
+all terrified lest you should hear what they are going to say. They never
+know who may be at the next table--a journalist or a Bolshevist or a
+landowner--and they talk with one eye permanently over their shoulder. It
+must be very painful.
+
+But of course the best time to visit the House is when it is not sitting,
+because then, if you are lucky, you may sit with impunity on the Front
+Bench and put your feet up on the table. If you are unlucky you will be
+shot at dawn.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Excitable Tenor_ (_during dispute about the bill_). "BUT,
+MY FRIEND, YOU NOT KNOW ME WHO I AM--NO? I AM SPOFFERINO. TO-NIGHT I SING
+AT ZE OPERA--'BUTTERFLY.'"
+
+_Waiter_ (_unimpressed_). "UM--YOU _LOOK_ LIKE A BUTTERFLY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+         "----'S BOOTS
+           HAVE BEEN
+     IN EVERYBODY'S MOUTH."
+
+     _Advt. in Local Paper._
+
+We fear the advertiser has put his foot in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LABOUR AND THE RUSSIAN BALLET.
+
+I wasn't present at the station when Madame PAVLOVA arrived in London,
+bringing with her, as I have been assured by six different newspapers, no
+fewer than three hundred and eighty-five pieces of luggage. But I have
+seen, thanks to Sir J. M. BARRIE, the transformation which a Russian _prima
+ballerina_ makes in an English country home, so I happen to know exactly
+what occurred. I think it deserves to be recorded. Very well then.
+
+     SCENE--_A Metropolitan railway terminus, though you wouldn't perhaps
+     recognise it, because it looks a little like the interior of a Greek
+     cathedral and a little like the fair at Nijni Novgorod, and the
+     posters have obviously been painted by_ Mr. WYNDHAM LEWIS _or somebody
+     like that. One porter is discovered leaning against an automatic sweet
+     machine designed by an Expressionist sculptor. He is wearing a long
+     mole-coloured smock, and looking with extreme disfavour at his
+     luggage-truck, which has somehow got itself painted bright blue and
+     green, with red wheels. Music by_ J. H. Thomaski.
+
+     [_Enter L., puffing slowly, the boat-train. The engine and carriages
+     resemble Early-Victorian prints._ Madame PAVLOVA _descends, and in a
+     very expressive dance conveys to the_ Porter _that she has one or two
+     trunks in the guard's van which she wants him to convey to a taxicab_.
+
+_Porter._ 'Ow many is there, lady?
+
+     [PAVLOVA _pirouettes a little more and points three hundred and
+     eighty-five times at the station-roof with her right toe_.
+
+_Porter._ Can't be done nohow.
+
+     [PAVLOVA _dances a dance indicative of absolute and heartrending
+     despair, terminating in an appeal to the heavens to come to her aid.
+     Enter R. an important-looking personage with a long white beard,
+     wearing a costume which might be, called a commissionaire's if it
+     wasn't so like a harlequin's._
+
+_Porter_ (_impressively and with evident relief_). The Stazione Maestro!
+
+_The Stazione Maestro._ What's all this?
+
+     [PAVLOVA _dances an explanation of the_ impasse. _The_ S.-M. _and the_
+     Porter _remove their caps and scratch their heads solemnly, to slow
+     music_.
+
+_The S.-M._ (_after deep cogitation_). This must be referred to the N.U.R.
+
+     [_Enter suddenly, R. and L., dancing, the Central Executive Committee
+     of the N.U.R. There is thunder and lightning._ PAVLOVA _repeats her
+     appeal. The_ C.E.C. _confabulate. The_ Chairman _finally announces
+     that the thing is entirely contrary to the principles of their Union,
+     and if the_ Station-master _permits it he must take the consequences.
+     The_ C.E.C. _disappear_.
+
+_The S.-M._ What about it, Bill?
+
+_Porter._ We'll do it. (_He dances._) Here goes, Mum.
+
+     [_Enter, suddenly, chorus of porters with multi-coloured trucks.
+     (They are the same as the_ C.E.C. _really, but they have changed
+     their clothes.) Aided by the_ S.-M. _and_ Bill _they remove the
+     three hundred and eighty-five packages, and wheel them, walking on
+     their toes, to the station exit, R. Here is seen a taxicab whose
+     driver is wrapped in profound meditation and smoking a hookah, the
+     bowl of which rests on the pavement. It is represented to him that a
+     lady with some luggage desires to charter his conveyance and proceed
+     to Hampstead. He comes forward to the centre and explains:_
+
+     _1. That it is near the dinner-hour._
+
+     _2. That he has no petrol._
+
+     _3. That he wouldn't do it for_ LLOYD GEORGE _hisself_.
+
+     _He retires to his vehicle and resumes his hookah._ PAVLOVA _dances
+     some dances expressive of Spring, of Butterflies, of Flowers, of
+     Unlimited Gold. In the midst of the final passage the driver leaps
+     from his seat, rushes on to the platform, jumps three hundred and
+     eighty-five times into the air, whirls_ PAVLOVA _off her toes and
+     dashes from side to side, carrying her in one hand. He finally flings
+     her into the taxicab and returns to his seat. The luggage is piled
+     upon the roof by dancing porters and tied with many-coloured ribbons.
+     The taxi departs in a cloud of petrol, the driver steering with his
+     toes and manipulating the clutches with his hands. Farewells are waved
+     and finally, surrounded by the rest of the porters, the_ Station
+     Master _and_ Bill _dance a dance of Glad Sacrifice, stab themselves
+     with their hands, and die_.
+
+CURTAIN OF SMOKE.
+
+Mind you, as I said at the beginning, I wasn't there myself, but I helped
+to steer three boxes to the seaside during the Easter holiday without the
+blandishments of Art. So I know something.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LABUNTUR ANNI.
+
+TO A CHITAL HEAD ON THE WALL OF A LONDON CLUB.
+
+  Light in the East, the dawn wind singing,
+    Solemn and grey and chill,
+  Rose in the sky, with Orion swinging
+    Down to the distant hill;
+  The grass dew-pearled and the _mohwa_ shaking
+    Her scented petals across the track,
+  And the herd astir to the new day breaking--
+    Gods! how it all comes back.
+
+  So it was, and on such a morning
+    Somebody's bullet sped,
+  And you, as you called to the herd a warning,
+    Dropped in the grasses dead;
+  And some stout hunter's heart was brimming
+    For joy that the gods of sport were good--
+  With a lump in his throat and his eyes a-dimming,
+    As the eyes of sportsmen should;--
+
+  As mine have done in the springtime running,
+    As mine in the halcyon days
+  Ere trigger-finger had lapsed from cunning
+    Or foot from the forest ways,
+  When I'd wake with the stars and the sunrise meeting
+    In the dewy fragrance of myrrh and musk,
+  Peacock and spurfowl sounding a greeting
+    And the jungle mine till dusk.
+
+  You take me back to the valleys of laughter,
+    The hills that hunters love,
+  The sudden rain and the sunshine after,
+    The cloud and the blue above,
+  The morning mist and creatures crying,
+    The beat in the drowsy afternoon,
+  Clear-washed eve with the sunset dying,
+    Night and the hunter's moon.
+
+  Not till all trees and jungles perish
+    Shall we go back that way
+  To those dear hills that the hunters cherish,
+    Where the hearts of the hunters stay;
+  So you dream on of the ancient glories,
+    Of water-meadows and hinds and stags,
+  While I and my like tell old, old stories ...
+    Ah! but it drags--it drags.
+
+  H. B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "MATRIMONY.
+
+     Accountant would write up Books, also Tax Returns; moderate charges."
+
+     _Liverpool Paper._
+
+This is much more delicate than the usual crude stipulation that the lady
+must have means.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+A NEO-GEORGIAN TRIES TO MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Art Patron_ (_who has heard something about a Modern
+Movement_). "NOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL ME THAT'S A VALUABLE BIT OF WORK?
+WHY, HANG IT ALL, I CAN RECOGNISE THE PLACE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PEACE WITH HONOUR.
+
+This is the story of Mr. Holmes, the Curate, and of how he brought peace to
+our troubled house. The principal characters are John, my brother-in-law,
+and Margery, my unmarried sister, and, at the bottom of the programme, in
+large letters, Mr. Holmes, the Curate. I have a small walking-on part. The
+story will now commence.
+
+John and Margery went out for a walk in the beautiful Spring sunshine as
+friendly as friendly. They came back three hours later--well, Cecilia (his
+wife) and I heard them at least two villages away.
+
+They both rushed into the room covered with mud and shouting at the tops of
+their voices.
+
+"Cecilia," roared John, "order this girl out of my house. She shan't stay
+under my roof another hour."
+
+"Cecilia," shrieked Margery, "he's an obstinate ignorant wretch, and thank
+Heaven he isn't _my_ husband."
+
+I put a cushion over my head.
+
+Cecilia kept hers.
+
+"If you will both go out of the room," she said, "take off your filthy
+boots and come back in your right minds and decent clothing I'll try to
+understand what you are both talking about."
+
+They crawled out of the room abjectly and I came out into the open once
+more.
+
+"Good Lord! What a family to be in!" I said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Cecilia," said John at tea, "harking back to the question of Hairy
+Bittercress----"
+
+"Hazel Catkin," said Margery.
+
+"What on earth----?" began Cecilia.
+
+"I'll tell her," said Margery quickly. "Cecilia, we had a competition this
+afternoon, seeing who could find most signs of Spring. Well, I found a bit
+of Hazel Catkin----"
+
+"Hairy Bittercress," said John.
+
+"I tell you----" went on Margery.
+
+"If you will calm yourself," interrupted John with dignity, "we will
+discuss the point."
+
+"There's nothing to discuss. What do you know about botany, I'd like to
+know?"
+
+"My dear child," said John, "when you were an infant-in-arms, nay, before
+you existed at all, it was my custom to ramble o'er the dewy meads,
+plucking the nimble Nipplewort and the shy Speedwell. I breakfasted on
+botany."
+
+"Talking of botany," I broke in "there was a chap in my platoon----"
+
+John groaned loudly.
+
+"Do you suggest," I asked, "that he was not in my platoon?"
+
+"I suggest nothing," he answered; "I only know that they can't all have
+been in your platoon."
+
+"All who, John?" asked Cecilia.
+
+"All the chaps he tells us about. Haven't you noticed, since he came home,
+it's impossible to mention any type or freak or extraordinary individual
+that wasn't like somebody in his platoon? It must have been about five
+thousand per cent. over strength."
+
+"I treat your insults with contempt," I said, "and proceed with my story.
+This chap had the same affliction that has taken Margery and yourself. He
+spent his life searching for specimens of the Bingle-weed and the
+five-leaved Funglebid. At bayonet-drill he would stop in the middle of a
+'long-point, short-point, jab' to pluck a sudden Oojah-berry that caught
+his eye. In the end his passion got him to Blighty."
+
+"How?" asked Margery.
+
+"Well," I continued, "it was the morning of the great German attack. My
+friend--er--I will call him X--and myself were retiring on the village
+of--er--Y, followed by about six million Germans. Shots were falling all
+round us, when suddenly X saw a small wild flower at his feet. He bent down
+to pick it up and--er----"
+
+"That is quite enough, Alan," said Cecilia.
+
+"That is all, Cecilia," I said; "that is how he got to Blighty."
+
+"We will now proceed with the subject in hand," said John after a moment's
+silence. He produced a small crushed piece of green-stuff from his pocket.
+
+"The question before the house is, as we used to say in the Great War,
+'_Qu'est-ce-que c'est que ceci?_' Any suggestions that it is of the Lemon
+species will be returned unanswered. For my part I say it is Hairy
+Bittercress."
+
+"And I say it's Hazel Catkin," said Margery.
+
+"And what says Hubert the herbalist?" asked John, handing the weed to me.
+
+I examined it carefully through the ring of my napkin.
+
+"Well," I said, "speaking largely, I should say it is either Mustard or
+Cress, or both as the case may be."
+
+I was howled down and retired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We heard lots of the weed during the next few days. Each morning at
+breakfast it sprouted forth as it were.
+
+"And how is the Great Unknown?" I would ask.
+
+"The Hairy Bittercress is thriving, we thank you," John would answer.
+
+"Hazel Catkin," Margery would throw out.
+
+"Catkin yourself," from John, and so on _ad lib_.
+
+They kept it carefully in a small pot in the window, and if one looked at
+it the other watched jealously for foul play.
+
+"On Saturday," said John, "the Curate is coming to tea. He is a man of
+wisdom and a botanist to boot--or do I mean withal? On Saturday the Hairy
+Bittercress shall be publicly proclaimed by its rightful name."
+
+"Which is Hazel Catkin," said Margery.
+
+Saturday came and Saturday afternoon, and, about three o'clock, the Curate.
+I saw him coming and met him at the door.
+
+"Good afternoon, Mr. Holmes," I said. "You come to a house of bitterness
+and strife. Walk right in."
+
+"Indeed I trust not," he said.
+
+"Come with me," I replied; "I will tell you all about it." And I led him on
+tip-toe to a quiet spot.
+
+"Mr. Holmes," I said, "you know the family well. We have always been a
+happy loving crowd, have we not?"
+
+"Indeed you have," he said politely.
+
+"Well," I continued, "a weed has split us asunder. My brother-in-law and my
+younger sister are on the point of committing mutual murder."
+
+I explained the whole situation and drew a harrowing picture of its effect
+on our family life. "Unless you help us," I said, "this Hazel Catkin or
+Hairy Bittercress will ruin at least four promising young lives."
+
+"But I hardly see how I am to----" began Mr. Holmes.
+
+I told him what to do.
+
+"But surely," he said, "they will know better than that."
+
+"No, they won't," I said. "Neither of them knows anything about it, really.
+Come, Mr. Holmes, it is for a good cause."
+
+"Very well," he said. "Perhaps the end justifies the means. We will see
+what we can do."
+
+"Good man," I said. "Children unborn will bless your name for this day's
+work."
+
+I took him to the dining-room, where Margery and John were sitting.
+
+"Here is Mr. Holmes," I said.
+
+They both made a dash at him.
+
+"Mr. Holmes," said John, "we seek your aid. You have a wide and deep
+knowledge of geography--that is botany, and you shall settle a problem that
+is ruining my home."
+
+"Certainly I will do my best," said Mr. Holmes. And then without a blush:
+"What is the problem, may I ask?"
+
+"We have found a piece of----" began John.
+
+"Don't tell him," shrieked Margery. "Let him see for himself."
+
+They fetched the weed and handed it reverently to the Curate.
+
+Mr. Holmes looked at it carefully. He breathed on it and moistened it with
+his finger. At last he looked up.
+
+"This is a very rare specimen indeed," he said; "I never remember to have
+seen one quite like it. It is in fact a hybrid." He stopped and beamed at
+us.
+
+"What's it _called_?" shrieked Margery and John together.
+
+Mr. Holmes chose his words carefully.
+
+"It is called," he said, "Hairy Catkin."
+
+There was a pause while Margery and John gazed at each other.
+
+"'Hairy Catkin,'" said John solemnly.
+
+"Then--then we're both right!" said Margery.
+
+They looked at each other again and then did the only thing possible in the
+circumstances. Each fell on the other's neck.
+
+Mr. Holmes and I shook hands silently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GET UP, DEAR, AND GIVE YOUR SEAT TO THIS LADY. REMEMBER YOU
+LOSE NOTHING BY BEING POLITE."
+
+"OH, DON'T I? I LOSE MY SEAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Wool Shortage.
+
+     "Blankets, guaranteed all wood."
+
+     _Provincial Paper._
+
+     "Antique Carved Ebony Carpet."
+
+     _Another Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Within there is the delicious scent of burning logs, and all the
+     fragrance of only a 1-1/2_d._ stamp."--_Daily Paper._
+
+We have tasted the backs of these stamps--a delicious bouquet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Berwick Guardians on Euesday favour-tarining in Ireland, was more
+     able to deal receive their vates. The candidate, Mr. D. +opinion. The
+     ballot for position of places+ accompanied feastings and
+     jollification, and sentation what elections were like in the the
+     business of auctioneer."
+
+     _North-Country Paper._
+
+Portions of the paragraph are not too clear, but we should say there was no
+doubt about the jollification.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STAGE AMENITIES.
+
+"HELLO, CISSIE! SO YOU'RE ASSISTING AT DAISY DARLINT'S BENEFIT TOO?"
+
+"YES--THE CAT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHIPPO'S SCENARIO.
+
+(_With the British Army in France._)
+
+It was the Societe Grand Guignol de Cinema's busy day. On the beach at
+Petiteville cameras were rattling away like machine guns, orders from the
+producer were hissing through the air with the vicious hum of explosive
+bullets, and weary supers were marching and counter-marching in a state of
+hopeless apathy.
+
+At the very height of these operations Chippo Munks wandered into the
+camera barrage and got firmly entangled in the picture. As "crowd in
+background" was indicated by the scenario, the producer refrained from
+killing Chippo out of hand--in fact he invited his co-operation for another
+crowd a little later on. Thus it was that Chippo earned the right to
+describe himself as a "fillum actor," with licence to speak familiarly of
+his colleagues, CHARLES CHAPLIN and MARY PICKFORD, and full powers to pose
+as the ultimate authority of the camp whenever cinemas were mentioned.
+
+At the Cafe des Promeneurs it was generally assumed that Chippo was merely
+waiting for a fat contract from the Societe Grand Guignol, and pending its
+arrival he explained that he was constructing a suitable scenario.
+
+"The public," he said, "is fed up with Texas rancheros in Anzac 'ats and
+antimacassar trousers playing poker dice with one 'and and keeping a
+sustained burst of rapid fire against their opponents with the other. They
+wants something true to life. Now, my fillum opens at the Cafe de l'Avenir,
+where a stout old British soldier runs a Crown an' Anchor board at personal
+loss, but 'appy in the knowledge that 'e is amusing his comrades."
+
+"The same answering to the name of Chippo Munks?" interjected Chris Jones.
+
+"The name on the programme is _Reginald Denvers_," said Chippo firmly.
+"Acrost the way, at the Cafe de la Vache Noire, a drunken unprincipled
+gambler named _Jim Blaney_--which you will also reckernise is an
+alias--regularly pockets the pay of 'is fellow-soldiers under pretence of a
+square deal at banker an' pontoon. One night, 'aving sucked 'is victims dry
+for the time being and also largely taken 'is cawfee _avec_, _Blaney_ goes
+acrost to the Avenir an' sets 'is stall out there. _Reginald_ remonstrates.
+
+"'I'm the Great White Chief in this 'ostelry,' says he, 'an' we don't want
+no three-card-trick sharks butting in.'
+
+"'My modest shrinking vi'let,' says _Blaney_, 'I'll play where I blinking
+well please.'
+
+"_Reginald_ thereupon remarks that sooner than allow 'is innocent patrons
+to be swindled by a six-fingered thimblerigging son of a confidence
+trickster 'e'd start in an' expose 'im.
+
+"At this point _Blaney_ swears to be revenged, an' there is a hinterval of
+a minute while the next part of the fillum is bein' prepared.
+
+"The following scene shows _Blaney_ all poshed up and busy trying to worm
+'is way into the confidence of _Suzanne_ (the daughter of the _patron_ of
+the Cafe de l'Avenir), who cherishes a secret passion for _Reginald_. 'E
+kids 'er to drop the contents of a white packet into _Reginald's vang
+blanc_, telling her it's a love lotion--I should say potion--that will gain
+'er _Reginald's_ everlasting affections. _Reggie_, being thirsty, scoffs
+off the whole issue an' finds to his dismay that 'is voice 'as been
+completely destroyed. That's a thrilling situation, Chris, a _professeur
+de_ Crown an' Anchor not being able to do his patter."
+
+[Illustration: A LEVY ON PATRIOTISM.]
+
+"'E might as well shut up shop right away," agreed Chris.
+
+"Jest so. _Reginald_ rushes after _Blaney_ and tells him off good an'
+proper----"
+
+"'Ow could 'e when 'e'd lorst his voice?" asked Chris.
+
+"Oh! burn it. This is a fillum drama. 'E sees 'is extensive _clientele_
+drifting away to the Vache Noire an' _Blaney_ getting so rich 'e can afford
+Beaune an' eggs an' chips for 'is supper every night. In the interests of
+the misguided victims _Reginald_ tells the Military Police that drinking
+goes on during prohibited hours at the Vache Noire, an' gets the place put
+out of bounds. All the speckerlaters thereupon return to the Avenir, an'
+Part II. finishes with _Reginald_ recovering 'is voice an' carolling
+'Little Billy Fair-play, all the way from 'Olloway' while he rakes in the
+shekels with both hands and feet."
+
+"I'm getting the 'ang of this a bit," said Chris; "I recollect there was a
+chap named Slaney as once did you down on a deal, an' I remember a
+red-'aired girl at the Avenir. But all this talk about love lotions and
+voice dope gets me guessing."
+
+"A fillum drama that's true to life ain't bound to be absolutely true as to
+facts. The trimmings is extra. We opens next with a little slow music an'
+_Jim Blaney_ meeting _Reginald_ an' telling 'im 'e 's reformed an' given up
+gambling. Instead 'e's running a very respectable football sweep, the prize
+to be given to the one as draws the team that scores most goals, an' 'e
+offers _Reginald_ a commission an' a seat on the drawing committee if he'll
+recommend it amongst 'is clients. Such is 'is plausibleness that 'e even
+sells _Suzanne_ a ticket, though she's not rightly sure if Aston Villa is a
+race-horse or a lottery number. _Reginald_, however, suspects treachery.
+
+"'Take your breath reg'ler,' 'e says, or makes movements to that effect.
+'The matches for this sweep is played on Saturday, an' I seems to recollect
+that you an' a lot of the crowd is due for demob on Wednesday, an' I'm
+going for leave on Tuesday. What guarantee 'ave we that you weigh out
+before you go?'
+
+"'I pays out _immediatemong_ on receipt of the Sunday papers, which will be
+Sunday night," says _Blaney_. 'That's good enough, ain't it?'
+
+"_Reginald_ therefore invests an' participates in the drawing, though still
+a bit doubtful. 'Is fears is justified, for on Friday night, 'aving got all
+the money, _Blaney_ steps outside the _estaminay_ an' hits a Military
+Police over the ear."
+
+"Whatever for?" asked Chris. "The War's over."
+
+"That's a mystery; but the mystery is solved when they 'ear that _Blaney_
+'as gone to clink to do ten days F.P. No. 2.
+
+"''E's just gauged it to a nicety,' says someone; ''e won't come out till
+we're demobbed, an' 'e'll be orf before _Reginald_ gets back from leave.'
+
+"It's 'ere the finest scene in the fillum ought to 'appen. Imagine a crowd
+of defrauded an' infuriated soldiery, led by _Reginald_, marching up to the
+F.P. compound and demanding that the miserable _Blaney_ an' their stakes
+should be 'anded over to them.
+
+"'Never!' says the Provost-Sergeant, twirling his moustaches to needle
+points.
+
+"'As a sportsman I appeal to you,' says _Reginald_, 'or we'll wreck the
+blinkin' compound.'
+
+[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_to dentist_). "BE CAREFUL, WON'T YOU? I'M DREFFLY
+TICKLISH."]
+
+"'I'll not give him up while I have breath in my body,' says the
+Provost-Sergeant. 'I've drawn Chelsea in the sweep.'
+
+"Then should ensue the gloriousest shemozzle that ever was; but this scene
+is spoiled by some miserable perisher who says it ain't worth while making
+a rough house till they know who's won. What really happens is that they
+wait till the Sunday papers arrive, when it is found _Suzanne_ 'as won the
+sweep, 'er 'aving drawn Sunderland, what was top-scorer with seven goals.
+
+"It is then that _Reginald's_ noble nature shows itself. Instead of telling
+'er that she's won an' then disappointing 'er by saying the prize money is
+in custody, 'e buys 'er ticket for 'alf-price. Then 'e goes to the compound
+an' bribes the sentry to let 'im talk to _Blaney_ through the barbed wire.
+
+"'There's the winning ticket, _Blaney_,' 'e says; 'now pay out.'
+
+"'Pay out?' says _Blaney_, grinning hideously. 'Why, what do you think I
+got into clink for?'
+
+"And the end comes with _Reginald_ stalking 'elplessly outside the wire,
+an' _Blaney_ laughing an' taunting 'im from inside."
+
+"I don't think much of it," said Chris critically. "I know that Slaney--'im
+what you call _Blaney_--did actually do you down real proper, but as a
+fillum it ain't a good ending."
+
+"P'r'aps it ain't--as it stands," admitted Chippo, "but when I'm
+demobilized--when _Reginald_ is demobilized, I should say, an' 'e 'appens
+to meet that _Jim Blaney_ there'll be the finest fillum finish that's ever
+been released, if the police don't interfere."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Informative Visitor_ (_member of party viewing sights of
+London_). "'ERE Y'ARE, BOYS. ON OUR LEFT IS THE STATOO OF THE FAMOUS
+SINGER, ALBERT 'ALL, AND ON THE RIGHT WE 'AVE THE KENSINGTON GAS WORKS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THIS FOR REMEMBRANCE.
+
+     [The Government is reported to have three million empty rum jars for
+     sale.]
+
+  I've long mused on buying a rifle,
+    A chunk of an aeroplane's gear
+  Or other belligerent trifle
+    By way of a small souvenir;
+  I've thought 'twould be fine (and your pardon
+    I beg if this savours of swank)
+  If the grotto that graces my garden
+    Were topped by a tank.
+
+  But only this morn I decided
+    Exactly the thing I preferred
+  To call back the prodigies I did
+    When the call for fatigue men was heard;
+  Though my life is again a civilian's,
+    Martial glories shall come back to view
+  If I buy from these derelict millions
+    A rum jar or two.
+
+  Though the spirit's long since been a "goner,"
+    Though the uttermost heel-tap be drained,
+  I will give them a place of high honour,
+    Well knowing that once they contained
+  My solace when seasons were rotten,
+    When the cold put my courage to flight,
+  Or the sergeant, perchance, had forgotten
+    To kiss me good-night.
+
+  In a world that is apt to be trying,
+    When things are inclined to go ill
+  And I'm sitting despondently sighing,
+    Perhaps they will comfort me still;
+  At the sight of these humble mementoes
+    It may be once more I shall know
+  From the crown of my head to my ten toes
+    That radiant glow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Journalistic Candour.
+
+     "CHANCES MISSED.
+
+     By _The Daily Mail_ correspondent recently in France."--_Daily Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "'The Trojan Person in Pink' will fill the bill at the
+     Haymarket."--_Evening Paper._
+
+Is this intended for a description of the lady to whom Paris gave the
+golden apple?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WORM TURNS.
+
+A JUGGLER'S COMIC ASSISTANT REFUSES TO MUFF HIS TRICKS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRESENCE OF MIND.
+
+  Proud is not the word for me
+  When I hear my 8-h.p.
+  Latest model motor-bike,
+  Having dodged the latest strike,
+  Is awaiting me complete
+  At the garage down the street.
+
+  Joyfully I take my way
+  (And a cheque-book too to pay
+  The two hundred odd they thought it
+  Right to charge the man who bought it).
+  Still, it is a lovely creature,
+  Up-to-date in every feature,
+  _And_ a side-car, painted carmine--
+  Joy! to think they really _are_ mine!
+
+  Time is short; I don't lose much in
+  Starting, and I let the clutch in;
+  Lest I should accelerate
+  Passing through the garage-gate,
+  Feeling certain as to what'll
+  Happen, I shut off the throttle,
+  When--my heart begins to beat--
+  I'm propelled across the street
+  In a way I never reckoned,
+  Gathering speed at every second.
+
+  Frantic, I apply the brake,
+  Realising my mistake
+  With my last remaining wit:
+  _I've not shut, but opened it!_
+  In another instant I
+  Hit the curb and start to fly.
+  Aeronautic friends of mine
+  Say that flying is divine;
+  Now I've tried it I confess
+  Few things interest me less,
+  Still, I own that in a sense
+  It is an experience.
+
+  These and other thoughts are there
+  As I whistle through the air,
+  And continue till I stop
+  In an ironmonger's shop
+  (Kept by Mr. Horne, a kind
+  Soul, but deaf and very blind).
+  Still--I mention this with pride,
+  For it shows how well I ride--
+  I have left the bike outside.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Little Mrs. Horne is sitting
+  In the neat back-parlour, knitting.
+  Mr. Horne, who hears the din
+  Which I make in coming in,
+  Leaves the shop and says to her:
+  "Martha, here's a customer.
+  From the sound of clinking metal
+  I should judge he wants a kettle."
+
+  Mrs. H. shows some surprise
+  At the sight that greets her eyes,
+  And, in answer to her shout,
+  Mr. H. comes running out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Now, it's something of a strain
+  On the busy human brain
+  Passing through a window-pane
+  To decide what it will do
+  When at last it's safely through.
+  As I gaze around I find--
+  Horror! why, I must be blind!
+  Blind or dead, I don't know which--
+  All about is black as pitch;
+  Thick the atmosphere as well
+  With a dank metallic smell....
+
+  Guessing that I am not dead
+  I attempt to loose my head
+  From a kettle's cold embrace;
+  And, meanwhile, to save my face
+  (Finding I can't get it out),
+  Say politely--up the spout--
+  "Lovely morning, is it not, Horne?
+  Think I'll take this little lot, Horne;
+  It is such a perfect fit,
+  And I'm so attached to it
+  That I find I cannot bring
+  My own head to leave the thing.
+  So you will oblige me greatly
+  If you'll pack them separately."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Housing Stringency.
+
+     "House for Sale 12 ft. by 1 ft., suitable for
+     bed-sitting-room."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+     "We claim that we can do you anything in our line as well, or perhaps
+     a little bit less than you will get it at many other places."
+
+     _Advt. in Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "ALLEGED WALLET-SNATCHER TAKES TWO OMNIBUSES."
+
+     _Evening News._
+
+No wonder there is a shortage in London travelling facilities.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORD-BUILDERS;
+
+A SHORTAGE OF STRAW.
+
+Aitchkin has been doing great things in forage, but prosperity has not
+spoilt him. Although he must be aware that I remember him in pre-war days,
+when he used to strap-hang to the City with his lunch in a satchel,
+nevertheless he often invites me round on those rare occasions when he
+dines quietly at home.
+
+The other evening, as he toyed with a modest eight-course dinner, I
+perceived that his cheerfulness was a trifle forced, and I thought that
+probably he was worrying over the behaviour of his little son, who, tiring
+that afternoon of his motor scooter, had done incalculable damage to the
+orchid-house with a home-made catapult.
+
+When we were left alone with our cigars he unburdened his soul. It appears
+that, ever since the Armistice, ambition has spurred Aitchkin to be
+something more than the "& Co." of a firm which has become torpid with war
+profits. He had decided to start in business "on his lonesome," and to make
+"Aitchkin" and "forage" synonymous terms. Already he had taken over the
+premises of a sovereign purse-maker at a "reasonable figure." (When
+Aitchkin is "reasonable" somebody loses money.) But his bargain did not
+include a Telegraphic Address, and that morning, working from his
+letter-heading, "Alfred Aitchkin," he had brought himself to compose an
+appropriate word. To the "Alf" of the Christian name he added "Alpha"
+representing the initial of the surname (I suspected the assistance of his
+lady-typist), making the complete word "Alf-Alpha" or, written
+phonetically, "Alfalfa"--Spanish for lucerne. It was a word which could not
+fail to fix itself indelibly in the minds of his clients, for it recalled
+not only Aitchkin's name, but the commodity he dealt in. Full of the pride
+of authorship he had driven round to the G.P.O. in his touring car.
+
+"But they crabbed it at once," he said sadly. "Telegraphic addresses
+nowadays have to conform to a lot of rotten new rules."
+
+He handed me a slip of paper on which, over the dead body of "Alfalfa," he
+had jotted down the following notes:--
+
+(1) Not less than eight, not more than ten letters.
+
+(2) Must not be composed of words or parts of words.
+
+(3) Words or parts of words may be accepted if they appear in the middle.
+
+(4) Must not look like a word.
+
+(5) Must be pronounceable.
+
+(6) Russian names, on account of their unusual spelling might be accepted.
+
+"And what's more," Aitchkin continued, "even when you've got a word which
+the Department will accept, it has to be submitted to a Committee who take
+'ten to fourteen days' to make up their minds."
+
+A faint tinkling of the piano came to our ears. Mrs. Aitchkin was waiting
+to sing to us. I produced pencil and paper and threw myself heart and soul
+into Aitchkin's problem.
+
+"Rules 2 and 3 are a little contradictory," I said, "and it will require no
+slight ingenuity to form a combination of letters which shall be
+pronounceable (Rule 5) and yet avoid the damnable appearance of a word
+(Rule 4). The concession about Russian names reminds me of something I have
+read about shaking hands with murder. In any case it is a barren
+concession, because, as we have seen, telegraphic addresses must be
+pronounceable. There is something sinister here," I continued. "This is the
+work of no ordinary mind. Some legal brain is behind all this."
+
+Love of the bizarre and the latitude of the Russian Rule led me to make my
+first attempt with the name of that all-round Bolshevik sportsman,
+BLODNJINKOFF, and I was endeavouring to abridge it to not less than eight
+and not more than ten letters without spoiling the natural beauty of the
+name when Aitchkin stopped me rather brusquely. And my next effort,
+"PLUCROES," he quashed, because he said that the implacable suspicion of
+the G.P.O. would be at once aroused by the diphthong. I fancy, though, from
+the narrowing of his eyes that he had some misgivings as to the derivation
+of the word.
+
+I then set to work with alternate consonants and vowels (which must give a
+pronounceable word), dealing with difficulties under the other rules as
+they might arise. Meanwhile Aitchkin, after the manner of an obstructionist
+official of the worst type, sat over me with the rules, condemning my
+results. Even "Telegrams: HAHAHAHAHA London," merely caused him to sniff
+contemptuously.
+
+"You'll like this one," I exclaimed--"ARLEYOTA. This is a combination of
+the word 'barley' (the 'b' being treated as obsolete like the 'n' in
+'norange') and the word 'oat' with the 'a' and 't' transposed."
+
+Aitchkin was interested. Breathing heavily, he tested the word with each
+rule in turn, while I sat relaxed in my chair. I pictured ARLEYOTA passed
+by the Department and brought into a hushed chamber before a solemn
+conclave of experts. How they would probe and analyse it during those
+momentous ten to fourteen days. And what a sensation there would be when
+they discovered that ARLEYOTA begins and ends with the indefinite article.
+
+Aitchkin thrust the papers into his pocket and rose abruptly, jamming the
+stopper more tightly into a decanter with his podgy hand.
+
+"Not too bad, ARLEYOTA," he said loftily; "I'll get them to polish it up at
+the office to-morrow." (So I _was_ right about the lady-typist).
+
+He opened the door and we passed out.
+
+"But it ends in TA," he shouted against the _Roses of Picardy_ which now
+came with unbroken force from the drawing-room. "'TA' is a word, you know."
+
+"_You_ may use it as such," I bawled, "but they've never heard of it among
+the staff of the G.P.O."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WANDERER IN NORFOLK.
+
+_A Fantasia on East Anglian Place-Names._
+
+  Tired by the City's ceaseless roaring
+  I fly to Great or Little Snoring;
+  When crowds grow riotous and lawless
+  I seek repose at Stratton Strawless;
+  When feeling thoroughly week-endish
+  I hie in haste to Barton Bendish,
+  Or vegetate at Little Hautbois
+  (Still uninvaded by the "dough-boy").
+  The simple rustic fare of Brockdish
+  Excels the choicest made or mock dish;
+  Nor is there any _patois_ so
+  Superb as that of Spooner Row.
+  PETT-RIDGE'S lively _Arthur Lidlington_
+  Might possibly be bored at Didlington;
+  And I admit that it would stump SHAW
+  To stir up a revolt at Strumpshaw.
+  The spirits of unrest are wholly
+  Out of their element at Sloley;
+  But even the weariest straphanger
+  Regains his courage at Shelfanger.
+  No taint of Bolshevistic snarling
+  Poisons the atmosphere of Larling,
+  And infants in the throes of teething
+  Become seraphical at Seething.
+
+  Nor must my homely Muse be mute on
+  The charms of Guist and Sall and Booton,
+  Shimpling and Tattersett and Stody
+  (Which, be it noted, rhymes with ruddy),
+  And fair Winfarthing, where KING TINO
+  Would seek in vain for a casino
+  Or even a flask of maraschino.
+  For here, far from the social scurry
+  That devastates suburban Surrey,
+  You find the authentic countryside;
+  Here, taking Solitude for bride,
+  The wanderer almost forgets
+  The jazzing crowd, the miners' threats.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "UNAPPROACHABLE
+
+     FAMILY ALES & STOUT."
+
+     _Advt. in Provincial Paper._
+
+This should please Mr. "PUSSYFOOT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW SPIRIT IN WEDDING GIFTS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE WESTERN FRONT.
+
+Once again we are "for it." It is that heavy hour between five and six when
+the vitality is all too low for the ordeal that awaits us. On either side
+the far-flung battle line of clustering figures stretches away into the
+gloom. It is an inspiring sight, this tense silent crowd of men of every
+class and vocation, united by a common purpose, grimly awaiting the moment
+when as one man they will hurl themselves into the fray.
+
+Is it the mere lust for fighting that has brought them here? Or is it the
+thought of the home that each hopes to return to that steels their courage
+and lends that _elan_ to their resolution without which one enters the
+struggle in vain?
+
+In the dim half-light I furtively scan the set faces around me and find
+myself wondering what thoughts those impassive masks conceal. Are they
+counting the cost? Most of them have been through the ordeal before. Pale
+faces there are--small wonder when one thinks of what lies before them.
+Here and there a man is puffing at his beloved "gasper" with the
+nonchalance that marks your bull-dog breed when stern work is afoot.
+
+Yet one cannot keep one's thoughts from the tremendous possibilities of the
+next few minutes. Where shall we be a few minutes hence? Some, one knows,
+will have gone West--and the others? Would they effect a lodgement, or be
+hurled back baffled and raging and impotent, as, alas! had too often been
+the case before?
+
+And what of those who were even now maybe preparing against our onslaught?
+Their intelligence could hardly have failed to warn them of our intentions.
+The position would be occupied, never fear, and in force, with seasoned men
+from the East.
+
+At last a stunning roar that seems to shake the very ground, rising to a
+shriek. Now it is each man for himself. The long line surges forward,
+looking eagerly for a breach. Now we can see our opponents--hate in their
+eyes--as they brace themselves for the shock. Now we are into them,
+fighting silently, with a sort of cold fury save where a muttered curse or
+the sharp cry of the injured bears testimony to the fierceness of the
+struggle.
+
+But see, they turn and waver. One more rush and we are through, driving
+them before us. The position is won.
+
+Breathing hard we look around at the havoc we have wrought, and suddenly
+the glamour of victory seems to fade and one loathes the whole senseless,
+savage business. We do not really hate these men. After all, they are our
+fellow-creatures.
+
+But what would you? One cannot spend the night on Charing Cross District
+platform.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE AND THE NEW ART.
+
+"WHAT'S HERE? THE PORTRAIT OF A BLINKING IDIOT?"
+
+_Merchant of Venice, Act II. Sc. 9._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a drapery firm's advertisement:
+
+     "WE NEVER ALLOW
+
+     DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER TO LEAVE THE PREMISES IF WE CAN AVOID IT.
+
+     IT DOESN'T PAY!"
+
+     _Scotch Paper._
+
+Suspiciously like a case of "Your money or your life!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY THE STREAM.
+
+(_Featuring the Premier._)
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has returned from a visit to the haunts of his youth with
+renewed health and reinforced Welsh accent. The last day of his holiday was
+spent in fishing in the company of two friends; but unfortunately the
+newspapers failed to supply any details of the scene, a lack of enterprise
+which it is difficult to understand, especially on the part of the journals
+known to employ Rubicon experts on their staff. Happily we are able to give
+information which we have reason to believe will not be officially
+contradicted.
+
+From his childhood Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has known intimately the romantic
+stream, named, for some unexplained reason, the Dwyfor river. To its
+musical murmur may be traced the mellifluous cadences of the statesman's
+voice employed so effectually in his appeals to Labour and the Paris
+Conference. Who can say what influences this little Welsh river, with its
+bubbling merriment, the flashing forceful leap of its cascades, its adroit
+avoidance of obstacles, may have had upon the career of the statesman of
+to-day, as through the years it has wound its way from the springs to the
+ocean? The senior fish of the Dwyfor are well known to him, and they gather
+fearlessly in large numbers to smile at his bait and to point it out to
+their friends.
+
+Towards the end of the day a humorous incident occurred. A keeper appeared
+on the opposite bank of the river and excitedly warned the party that they
+were trespassing, requesting them to retire. To his amazement his demands
+were ignored, and the trespassers replied to his protests by singing "The
+Land Song," the PREMIER'S rich tenor voice being easily distinguished above
+the roar of a neighbouring cascade.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Lieut ---- proposed that Mr. ----, our present vice-chairman, be
+     elected to the chair until the usual election of officials took place,
+     by that time a capable member would probably be found willing to
+     accept the position.
+
+     Mr. ---- thanked the proposer and seconders for their
+     compliment."--_Service Paper._
+
+The new chairman seems to be easily pleased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sunday School Teacher._ "DEAR ME, MAGGIE, YOU'RE NOT GOING
+AWAY BEFORE THE SERVICE IS BEGUN?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "IT'S OUR FREDDIE, MISS. 'E'S SWALLOWED THE COLLECTION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Inevitably you will find a sad significance in the title of _Harvest_
+(COLLINS), the last story, I suppose, that we shall have from the pen of
+Mrs. HUMPHREY WARD. It is a quite simple tale, very simply told, and of
+worth less for its inherent drama than for the admirable picture it gives
+of rural England in the last greatest days of the Great War. How quick was
+the writer's sympathy with every phase of the national ordeal is proved
+again by a score of vivid passages in which the fortunes of her characters
+are dated by the tremendous events that form their background. The story
+itself is of two women in partnership on a Midland farm, one of whom, the
+senior, has in her past certain secret episodes which, as is the way of
+such things, return to find her out and bring her happiness to ruin. The
+character of this _Janet_ is well and vigorously drawn, though there is
+perhaps little in her personality as shown here to make understandable the
+passion of her past. All the details of life on the land in the autumn of
+1918 are given with a skill that brings into the book not only the scent of
+the wheat-field but the stress, emotional and economic, of those
+unforgettable months. Because it is all so typically English one may call
+it a true consummation of the work of one who loved England well. In Mrs.
+WARD'S death the world of letters mourns the loss of a writer whose talent
+was ever ungrudgingly at the service of her country. She leaves a gap that
+it will be hard to fill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In some ways I think that they will be fortunate who do not read _A Remedy
+Against Sin_ (HUTCHINSON) till the vicissitudes of book-life have deprived
+it of its pictorial wrapper, because, though highly attractive as a
+drawing, the very charmingly-clad minx of the illustration is hardly a
+figure to increase one's sympathy with her as an injured heroine. And of
+course it is precisely this sympathy that Mr. W. B. MAXWELL is playing
+for--first, last and all the time. His title and the puff's preliminary
+will doubtless have given you the aim of the story, "to influence the
+public mind on one of the most vital questions of the day," the injustice
+of our divorce laws. For this end Mr. MAXWELL has exercised all his ability
+on the picture of a foolish young wife, chained to a lout who is shown
+passing swiftly from worse to unbearable, and herself broken at last by the
+ordeal of the witness-box in a "defended action." Inevitably such a book, a
+record of disillusion and increasing misery, can hardly be cheerful; tales
+with a purpose seldom are. But the poignant humanity of it will hold your
+sympathy throughout. You may think that Mr. MAXWELL too obviously loads his
+dice, and be aware also that (like others of its kind) the story suffers
+from over-concentration on a single theme. It moves in a world of
+incompatibles. The heroine's kindly friend is tied to a dipsomaniac wife;
+her coachman has no remedy for a ruined home because of the expense of
+divorce, and so on. To a great extent, however, Mr. MAXWELL'S craft has
+enabled him to overcome even these obstacles; his characters, though you
+may suspect manipulation, remain true types of their rather tiresome kind,
+and the result is a book that, though depressing, refuses to be put down.
+But as a wedding-present--no!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Underworld_ (JENKINS) describes life round about and down below a
+small coal-mine in Scotland something near thirty years ago. Its author,
+JAMES WELSH, tells us in a simple manly preface that he became a miner at
+the age of twelve, and worked at every phase of coal-getting till lately he
+was appointed check-weigher by his fellows, and therefore writes of what he
+knows at first hand. Here then is a straightforward tale with for hero a
+sensitive and enthusiastic young miner who draws his inspiration from BOB
+SMILLIE, loses his girl to the coal-owner's son and his life in a
+rescue-party. The villain, double-dyed, is not the coal-owner but his
+"gaffer," who favours his men as to choice of position at the coal-face in
+return for favours received from their wives. The chief surprise to the
+reader will be the difference between the status and power of the miner
+then and now. The writer has a considerable skill in composing effective
+dialogue, especially between his men; gives a convincing picture of the pit
+and home life, the anxieties, courage, affections and aspirations of the
+friends of whom he is "so proud." Nor does he cover up their weaknesses.
+Purple passages of fine writing show his inexperience slipping into
+pitfalls by the way, but his work rings true and deserves to be read by
+many at the present time when miners are so far from being victims of "the
+block"--the employers' device for starving out a "difficult" man--that they
+look like fitting the boot to another leg. One is made to realise their
+anxiety to get rid of that boot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_How They Did It_ (METHUEN) may be regarded as a novel with a purpose, and,
+like most such, suffers from the defects of its good intentions. The object
+is "an exposure of war muddling at home," and it must be admitted that Mr.
+GERALD O'DONOVAN gives us no half-measure; indeed I was left with the idea
+that greater moderation would have made a better case. To illustrate it, he
+takes his hero, _David Grant_, through a variety of experiences.
+Incapacitated from active fighting through the loss of an arm, he is given
+work as a housing officer on the Home Front. His endeavours to check the
+alleged extravagance and corruption of this command led to his being
+"invalided out"; after which he wanders round seeking civilian war-work
+(and marking only dishonesty everywhere), and ends up with a post in the
+huge, newly-formed and almost entirely farcical Ministry of Business. This
+final epithet puts in one word my criticism of Mr. O'DONOVAN'S method.
+Everyone admits the large grain of truth in his charges; the trouble is
+that he has too often allowed an honest indignation to carry him past his
+mark into the regions of burlesque, and in particular to confuse character
+with caricature. But as a topical squib, briskly written, _How They Did It_
+will provide plenty of angry amusement, with enough suggestion of the
+_roman a clef_ to keep the curious happy in fitting originals to its many
+portraits. I should perhaps add that the plot, such as it is, is held
+together by a rather perfunctory and intermittent love-affair, too
+obviously employed only to fill up time while the author is thinking out
+some fresh exposure. This I regretted, as _Mary_, the heroine, is here a
+shadow of what seems attractive and original substance. I wonder that the
+author did not invent for her a Ministry of Romance. He is quite capable of
+it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among the writers who have established stable reputations for themselves
+during the War "KLAXON" is in the very front rank. This is partly due to an
+easy natural style, but most to a sound judgment and an amazingly clear eye
+for essentials. To those (not myself) who want to forget the last few years
+it may seem that we have already been given enough opportunities to read
+about our submarines. Well, I have read nearly everything that has been
+written on this subject and could yet draw great delight from _The Story of
+Our Submarines_ (BLACKWOOD), a most informing and fascinating book.
+"Whatever happens," says "KLAXON," "the German policy of torpedoing
+merchant ships without warning must be made not only illegal but unsafe for
+a nation adopting it.... If these notes of mine serve no other purpose,
+they will, at any rate, do something towards differentiating between the
+submarine and the U-boat." By which it will be seen that to his many other
+claims on our regard "KLAXON" adds the gift, not always found among
+experts, of modesty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISGUST OF AN ARTIST ON FINDING HIS ACADEMY SUCCESS OF 1899
+AT AN AUCTION OF MISCELLANEOUS ARTICLES LEFT BEHIND IN RAILWAY CARRIAGES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VISIT.
+
+  When I went to Fairyland, visiting the Queen,
+  I rode upon a peacock, blue and gold and green;
+  Silver was the harness, crimson were the reins,
+  All hung about with little bells that swung on silken chains.
+
+  When I went to Fairyland, indeed you cannot think
+  What pretty things I had to eat, what pretty things to drink;
+  And did you know that butterflies could sing like little birds?
+  And did you guess that fairy-talk is not a bit like words?
+
+  When I went to Fairyland--of all the lovely things!--
+  They really taught me how to fly, they gave me fairy wings;
+  And every night I listen for a tapping on the pane--
+  I want so very much to go to Fairyland again.
+
+  R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Wanted, Bedroom and Sitting room (furnished), with use of bathroom,
+     without attendance."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We share the advertiser's desire for privacy during ablutions.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, April 14, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22957.txt or 22957.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/9/5/22957/
+
+Produced by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/22957.zip b/22957.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9f93446
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22957.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..992259f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #22957 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/22957)