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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/22841-8.txt b/22841-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..448f79c --- /dev/null +++ b/22841-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,874 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Joseph Hanson, The Haberdasher, by +Mary Russell Mitford + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Joseph Hanson, The Haberdasher + +Author: Mary Russell Mitford + +Release Date: October 2, 2007 [EBook #22841] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. JOSEPH HANSON, THE HABERDASHER *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +MR. JOSEPH HANSON, THE HABERDASHER + +By Mary Russell Mitford + + +These are good days for great heroes; so far at least as regards the +general spread and universal diffusion of celebrity. In the matter +of fame, indeed, that grand bill upon posterity which is to be found +written in the page of history, and the changes of empires, Alexander +may, for aught I know, be nearly on a par with the Duke of Wellington; +but in point of local and temporary tributes to reputation, the great +ancient, king though he were, must have been far behind the great +modern. Even that comparatively recent warrior, the Duke of Marlborough, +made but a slight approach to the popular honours paid to the conqueror +of Napoleon. A few alehouse signs and the ballad of "Marlbrook s'en va't +en guerre," (for we are not talking now of the titles, and pensions, and +palaces, granted to him by the Sovereign and the Parliament,) seem to +have been the chief if not the only popular demonstrations vouchsafed by +friends and enemies to the hero of Blenheim. + +The name of Wellington, on the other hand, is necessarily in every man's +mouth at every hour of every day. He is the universal godfather of every +novelty, whether in art, in literature, or in science. Streets, bridges, +places, crescents, terraces, and railways, on the land; steam-boats on +the water; balloons in the air, are all distinguished by that honoured +appellation. We live in Wellington squares, we travel in Wellington +coaches, we dine in Wellington hotels, we are educated in Wellington +establishments, and are clothed from top to toe (that is to say the male +half of the nation) in Wellington boots, Wellington cloaks, Wellington +hats, each of which shall have been severally purchased at a warehouse +bearing the same distinguished title. + +Since every market town and almost every village in the kingdom, could +boast a Wellington house, or a Waterloo house, emulous to catch some +gilded ray from the blaze of their great namesake's glory, it would have +been strange indeed if the linendrapers and haberdashers of our good +town of Belford Regis had been so much in the rear of fashion as to +neglect this easy method of puffing off their wares. On the contrary, +so much did our shopkeepers rely upon the influence of an illustrious +appellation, that they seemed to despair of success unless sheltered by +the laurels of the great commander, and would press his name into the +service, even after its accustomed and legitimate forms of use seemed +exhausted. Accordingly we had not only a Wellington house and a Waterloo +house, but a new Waterloo establishment, and a genuine and original Duke +of Wellington warehouse. + +The new Waterloo establishment, a flashy dashy shop in the market-place, +occupying a considerable extent of frontage, and "conducted (as the +advertisements have it) by Mr. Joseph Hanson, late of London," put forth +by far the boldest pretensions of any magazine of finery and frippery in +the town; and it is with that magnificent _store_, and with that only, +that I intend to deal in the present story. + +If the celebrated Mr. Puff, he of the Critic, who, although Sheridan +probably borrowed the idea of that most amusing personage from the +auctioneers and picture-dealers of Foote's admirable farces, +first reduced to system the art of profitable lying, setting forth +methodically (scientifically it would be called in these days) the +different genera and species of that flourishing craft--if Mr. Puff +himself were to revisit this mortal stage, he would lift up his hands +and eyes in admiration and astonishment at the improvements which have +taken place in the art from whence he took, or to which he gave, a name +(for the fact is doubtful) the renowned art of Puffing! + +Talk of the progress of society, indeed! of the march of intellect, and +the diffusion of knowledge, of infant schools and adult colleges, +of gas-lights and rail-roads, of steam-boats and steam-coaches, of +literature for nothing, and science for less! What are they and fifty +other such nick-nacks compared with the vast strides made by this +improving age in the grand art of puffing? Nay, are they not for the +most part mere implements and accessories of that mighty engine of +trade? What is half the march of intellect, but puffery? Why do little +children learn their letters at school, but that they may come hereafter +to read puffs at college? Why but for the propagation of puffs do +honorary lecturers hold forth upon science, and gratuitous editors +circulate literature? Are not gas-lights chiefly used for their +illumination, and steamboats for their spread? And shall not history, +which has given to one era the name of the age of gold, and has entitled +another the age of silver, call this present nineteenth century the age +of puffs? + +Take up the first thing upon your table, the newspaper for instance, or +the magazine, the decorated drawing-box, the Bramah pen, and twenty to +one but a puff more or less direct shall lurk in the patent of the one, +while a whole congeries of puffs shall swarm in bare and undisguised +effrontery between the pages of the other. + +Walk into the streets;--and what meet you there? Puffs! puffs! puffs! +From the dead walls, chalked over with recommendations to purchase +Mr. Such-an-one's blacking, to the walking placard insinuating the +excellences of Mr. What-d'ye-call-him's Cream Gin*--from the bright +resplendent brass-knob, garnished with the significant words "Office +Bell," beside the door of an obscure surveyor, to the spruce carriage +of a newly arrived physician driving empty up and down the street, +everything whether movable or stationary is a puff. + + * He was a genius in his line (I had almost written an evil + genius) who invented that rare epithet, that singular + combination of the sweetest and purest of all luxuries, the + most healthful and innocent of dainties, redolent of + association so rural and poetical, with the vilest + abominations of great cities, the impure and disgusting + source of misery and crime. Cream Gin! The union of such + words is really a desecration of one of nature's most genial + gifts, as well as a burlesque on the charming old pastoral + poets; a flagrant offence against morals, and against that + which in its highest sense may almost be considered a branch + of morality--taste. + +But shops form, of course, the chief locality of the craft of puffing. +The getting off of goods is its grand aim and object. And of all shops +those which are devoted to the thousand and one articles of female +decoration, the few things which women do, and the many which they do +not want, stand pre-eminent in this great art of the nineteenth century. + +Not to enter upon the grand manoeuvres of the London establishments, the +doors for carriages to set down and the doors for carriages to take +up, indicating an affluence of customers, a degree of crowd and +inconvenience equal to the King's Theatre, on a Saturday night, or the +queen's drawing-room on a birthday, and attracting the whole female +world by that which in a fashionable cause the whole female world loves +so dearly, confusion, pressure, heat and noise;--to say nothing of those +bold schemes which require the multitudes of the metropolis to afford +them the slightest chance of success, we in our good borough of Belford +Regis, simple as it stands, had, as I have said, as pretty a show of +speculating haberdashers as any country town of its inches could well +desire; the most eminent of whom was beyond all question or competition, +the proprietor of the New Waterloo Establishment, Mr. Joseph Hanson, +late of London. + +His shop displayed, as I have already intimated, one of the largest and +showiest frontages in the market-place, and had been distinguished by a +greater number of occupants and a more rapid succession of failures in +the same line than any other in the town. + +The last tenant, save one, of that celebrated warehouse--the penultimate +bankrupt--had followed the beaten road of puffing, and announced his +goods as the cheapest ever manufactured. According to himself, his +handbills, and his advertisements, everything contained in that shop was +so very much under prime cost, that the more he sold the sooner he must +be ruined. To hear him, you would expect not only that he should give +his ribbons and muslins for nothing, but that he should offer you +a premium for consenting to accept of them. Gloves, handkerchiefs, +nightcaps, gown-pieces, every article at the door and in the window was +covered with tickets, each nearly as large as itself, tickets that might +be read across the market-place; and townspeople and country-people came +flocking round about, some to stare and some to buy. The starers were, +however, it is to be presumed, more numerous than the buyers, for +notwithstanding his tickets, his handbills, and his advertisements, in +less than six months the advertiser had failed, and that stock never, as +it's luckless owner used to say, approached for cheapness, was sold off +at half its original price. + +Warned by his predecessor's fate, the next comer adopted a newer and a +nobler style of attracting public attention. He called himself a steady +trader of the old school, abjured cheapness as synonymous with cheating, +disclaimed everything that savoured of a puff, denounced handbills and +advertisements, and had not a ticket in his whole shop. He cited the +high price of his articles as proofs of their goodness, and would have +held himself disgraced for ever if he had been detected in selling +a reasonable piece of goods. "He could not," he observed, "expect to +attract the rabble by such a mode of transacting business; his aim was +to secure a select body of customers amongst the nobility and gentry, +persons who looked to quality and durability in their purchases, and +were capable of estimating the solid advantages of dealing with a +tradesman who despised the trumpery artifices of the day." + +So high-minded a declaration, enforced too by much solemnity of +utterance and appearance--the speaker being a solid, substantial, +middle-aged man, equipped in a full suit of black, with a head nicely +powdered, and a pen stuck behind his ear--such a declaration from so +important a personage ought to have succeeded; but somehow or other +it did not. His customers, gentle and simple, were more select than +numerous, and in another six months the high-price man failed just as +the low-price man had failed before him. + +Their successor, Mr. Joseph Hanson, claimed to unite in his own person +the several merits of both his antecedents. Cheaper than the cheapest, +better, finer, more durable, than the best, nothing at all approaching +his assortment of linendrapery had, as he swore, and his head shopman, +Mr. Thomas Long, asseverated, ever been seen before in the streets of +Belford Regis; and the oaths of the master and the asseverations of +the man, together with a very grand display of fashions and finery, did +really seem, in the first instance at least, to attract more customers +than had of late visited those unfortunate premises. + +Mr. Joseph Hanson and Mr. Thomas Long were a pair admirably suited +to the concern, and to one another. Each possessed pre-eminently the +various requisites and qualifications in which the other happened to +be deficient. Tall, slender, elderly, with a fine bald head, a mild +countenance, a most insinuating address, and a general air of +faded gentility, Mr. Thomas Long was exactly the foreman to give +respectability to his employer; whilst bold, fluent, rapid, loud, +dashing in aspect and manner, with a great fund of animal spirits, and +a prodigious stock of assurance and conceit, respectability was, to +say the truth, the precise qualification which Mr. Joseph Hanson most +needed. + +Then the good town of Belford being divided, like most other country +towns, into two prevailing factions, theological and political, the +worthies whom I am attempting to describe prudently endeavoured to catch +all parties by embracing different sides; Mr. Joseph Hanson being a +tory and high-churchman of the very first water, who showed his loyalty +according to the most approved faction, by abusing his Majesty's +ministers as revolutionary, thwarting the town-council, getting tipsy +at conservative dinners, and riding twenty miles to attend an eminent +preacher who wielded in a neighbouring county all the thunders of +orthodoxy; whilst the soft-spoken Mr. Thomas Long was a Dissenter and a +radical, who proved his allegiance to the House of Brunswick (for both +claimed to be amongst the best wishers to the present dynasty and +the reigning sovereign) by denouncing the government as weak and +aristocratic, advocating the abolition of the peerage, getting up an +operative reform club, and going to chapel three times every Sunday. + +These measures succeeded so well, that the allotted six months (the +general period of failure in that concern) elapsed, and still found +Mr. Joseph Hanson as flourishing as ever in manner, and apparently +flourishing in trade; they stood him, too, in no small stead, in a +matter which promised to be still more conducive to his prosperity +than buying and selling feminine gear,--in the grand matter (for Joseph +jocosely professed to be a forlorn bachelor upon the lookout for a wife) +of a wealthy marriage. + +One of the most thrifty and thriving tradesmen in the town of Belford, +was old John Parsons, the tinman. His spacious shop, crowded with its +glittering and rattling commodities, pots, pans, kettles, meat-covers, +in a word, the whole _batterie de cuisine_, was situate in the narrow, +inconvenient lane called Oriel Street, which I have already done myself +the honour of introducing to the courteous reader, standing betwixt a +great chemist on one side, his windows filled with coloured jars, red, +blue, and green, looking like painted glass, or like the fruit made of +gems in Aladdin's garden, (I am as much taken myself with those jars +in a chemist's window as ever was Miss Edgeworth's Rosamond,) and an +eminent china warehouse on the other; our tinman having the honour to be +next-door neighbour to no less a lady than Mrs. Philadelphia Tyler. Many +a thriving tradesman might be found in Oriel Street, and many a blooming +damsel amongst the tradesmen's daughters; but if the town gossip might +be believed, the richest of all the rich shopkeepers was old John +Parsons, and the prettiest girl (even without reference to her father's +moneybags) was his fair daughter Harriet. + +John Parsons was one of those loud, violent, blustering, boisterous +personages who always put me in mind of the description so often +appended to characters of that sort in the dramatis personę of Beaumont +and Fletcher's plays, where one constantly meets with Ernulpho +or Bertoldo, or some such Italianised appellation, "an old angry +gentleman." The "old angry gentleman" of the fine old dramatists +generally keeps the promise of the play-bill. He storms and rails during +the whole five acts, scolding those the most whom he loves the best, +making all around him uncomfortable, and yet meaning fully to do right, +and firmly convinced that he is himself the injured party; and after +quarrelling with cause or without to the end of the comedy, makes +friends all round at the conclusion;--a sort of person whose good +intentions everybody appreciates, but from whose violence everybody that +can is sure to get away. + +Now such men are just as common in the real workaday world as in the old +drama; and precisely such a man was John Parsons. + +His daughter was exactly the sort of creature that such training was +calculated to produce; gentle, timid, shrinking, fond of her father, who +indeed doated upon her, and would have sacrificed his whole substance, +his right arm, his life, anything except his will or his humour, to give +her a moment's pleasure; gratefully fond of her father, but yet more +afraid than fond. + +The youngest and only surviving child of a large family, and brought +up without a mother's care, since Mrs. Parsons had died in her +infancy, there was a delicacy and fragility, a slenderness of form and +transparency of complexion, which, added to her gentleness and modesty, +gave an unexpected elegance to the tinman's daughter. A soft appealing +voice, dove-like eyes, a smile rather sweet than gay, a constant desire +to please, and a total unconsciousness of her own attractions, were +amongst her chief characteristics. Some persons hold the theory that +dissimilarity answers best in matrimony, and such persons would have +found a most satisfactory contrast of appearance, mind, and manner, +between the fair Harriet and her dashing suitor. + +Besides his one great and distinguishing quality of assurance and vulgar +pretension, which it is difficult to describe, by any word short of +impudence, Mr. Joseph Hanson was by no means calculated to please +the eye of a damsel of seventeen, an age at which a man who owned to +five-and-thirty, and who looked and most probably was at least ten years +farther advanced on the journey of life, would not fail to be set down +as a confirmed old bachelor. He had, too, a large mouth, full of large +irregular teeth, a head of hair which bore a great resemblance to a wig, +and a suspicion of a squint, (for it did not quite amount to that odious +deformity,) which added a most sinister expression to his countenance. +Harriet Parsons could not abide him; and I verily believe she would have +disliked him just as much though a certain Frederick Mallet had never +been in existence. + +How her father, a dissenter, a radical, and a steady tradesman of the +old school, who hated puffs and puffery, and finery and fashion, came to +be taken in by a man opposed to him in religion and politics, in action +and in speech, was a riddle that puzzled half the gossips in Belford. It +happened through a mutual enmity, often (to tell an unpalatable truth of +poor human nature) a stronger bond of union than a mutual affection. + +Thus it fell out. + +Amongst the reforms carried into effect by the town-council, whereof +John Parsons was a leading member, was the establishment of an efficient +new police to replace the incapable old watchmen, who had hitherto been +the sole guardians of life and property in our ancient borough. As far +as the principle went, the liberal party were united and triumphant. +They split, as liberals are apt to split, upon the rock of detail. It +so happened that a turnpike, belonging to one of the roads leading into +Belford, had been removed, by order of the commissioners, half a mile +farther from the town;--half a mile indeed beyond the town boundary; +and although there were only three houses, one a beer-shop, and the two +others small tenements inhabited by labouring people, between the site +of the old turnpike at the end of Prince's Street, and that of the new, +at the King's Head Pond, our friend the tinman, who was nothing if not +crotchetty, insisted with so much pertinacity upon the perambulation of +the blue-coated officials appointed for that beat, being extended along +the highway for the distance aforesaid, that the whole council were set +together by the ears, and the measure had very nearly gone by the board +in consequence. The imminence of the peril saved them. The danger of +reinstating the ancient Dogberrys of the watch, and still worse, +of giving a triumph to the tories, brought the reformers to their +senses--all except the man of tin, who, becoming only the more confirmed +in his own opinion as ally after ally fell off from him, persisted in +dividing the council six different times, and had the gratification of +finding himself on each of the three last divisions, in a minority of +one. He was about to bring forward the question upon a seventh occasion, +when a hint as to the propriety in such case of moving a vote of censure +against him for wasting the time of the board, caused him to secede from +the council in a fury, and to quarrel with the whole municipal body, +from the mayor downward. + +Now the mayor, a respectable and intelligent attorney, heretofore John +Parsons' most intimate friend, happened to have been brought publicly +and privately into collision with Mr. Joseph Hanson, who, delighted to +find an occasion on which he might at once indulge his aversion to the +civic dignitary, and promote the interest of his love-suit, was not +content with denouncing the corporation _de vive voię_, but wrote three +grandiloquent letters to the Belford Courant, in which he demonstrated +that the welfare of the borough, and the safety of the constitution, +depended upon the police parading regularly, by day and by night, along +the high road to the King's Head Pond, and that none but a pettifogging +chief magistrate, and an incapable town-council, corrupt tools of a +corrupt administration, could have had the gratuitous audacity to cause +the policeman to turn at the top of Prince's Street, thereby leaving +the persons and property of his majesty's liege subjects unprotected +and uncared for. He enlarged upon the fact of the tenements in question +being occupied by agricultural labourers, a class over whom, as he +observed, the demagogues now in power delighted to tyrannise; and +concluded his flourishing appeal to the conservatives of the borough, +the county, and the empire at large, by a threat of getting up a +petition against the council, and bringing the whole affair before the +two Houses of Parliament. + +Although this precious epistle was signed Amicus Patrię, the writer +was far too proud of his production to entrench himself behind +the inglorious shield of a fictitious signature, and as the mayor, +professionally indignant at the epithet pettifogging, threatened both +the editor of the Belford Courant and Mr. Joseph Hanson with an action +for libel, it followed, as matter of course, that John Parsons not only +thought the haberdasher the most able and honest man in the borough, but +regarded him as the champion, if not the martyr, of his cause, and one +who deserved everything that he had to bestow, even to the hand and +portion of the pretty Harriet. + +Affairs were in this posture, when one fine morning the chief magistrate +of Belford entered the tinman's shop. + +"Mr. Parsons," said the worthy dignitary, in a very conciliatory tone, +"you may be as angry with me as you like, but I find from our good vicar +that the fellow Hanson has applied to him for a licence, and I cannot +let you throw away my little friend Harriet without giving you warning, +that a long and bitter repentance will follow such a union. There are +emergencies in which it becomes a duty to throw aside professional +niceties, and to sacrifice etiquette to the interests of an old +friendship; and I tell you, as a prudent man, that I know of my own +knowledge that this intended son-in-law of your's will be arrested +before the wedding-day." + +"I'll bail him," said John Parsons, stoutly. + +"He is not worth a farthing," quoth the chief magistrate. + +"I shall give him ten thousand pounds with my daughter," answered the +man of pots and kettles. + +"I doubt if ten thousand pounds will pay his just debts," rejoined the +mayor. + +"Then I'll give him twenty," responded the tinman. + +"He has failed in five different places within the last five years," +persisted the pertinacious adviser; "has run away from his creditors, +Heaven knows how often; has taken the benefit of the Act time after +time! You would not give your own sweet Harriet, the best and prettiest +girl in the county, to an adventurer, the history of whose life is to +be found in the Gazette and the Insolvent Court, and who is a high +churchman and a tory to boot. Surely you would not fling away your +daughter and your honest earnings upon a man of notorious bad character, +with whom you have not an opinion or a prejudice in common? Just think +what the other party will say!" + +"I'll tell you what, Mr. Mallet or Mr. Mayor, if you prefer the sound of +your new dignity," broke out John Parsons, in a fury, "I shall do what +I like with my money and my daughter, without consulting you, or caring +what anybody may chance to say, whether whig or tory. For my part, I +think there's little to choose between them. One side's as bad as the +other. Tyrants in office and patriots out. If Hanson is a conservative +and a churchman, his foreman is a radical and a dissenter; and they +neither of them pretend to dictate to their betters, which is more than +I can say of some who call themselves reformers. Once for all, I tell +you that he shall marry my Harriet, and that your nephew sha'n't: so +now you may arrest him as soon as you like. I'm not to be managed +here, however you and your tools may carry matters at the Town Hall. An +Englishman's house is his castle." + +"Well," said Mr. Mallet, "I am going. God knows I came out of old +friendship towards yourself, and sincere affection for the dear girl +your daughter. As to my nephew, besides that I firmly believe the young +people like each other, I know him to be as steady a lad as ever drew a +conveyance; and with what his father has left him, and what I can give +him, to say nothing of his professional prospects, he would be a fit +match for Harriet as far as money goes. But if you are determined----" + +"I _am_ determined," roared John Parsons. "Before next week is out, +Joseph Hanson shall be my son-in-law. And now, sir, I advise you to go +and drill your police." And the tinman retired from behind the counter +into the interior of his dwelling, (for this colloquy had taken place in +the shop,) banging the door behind him with a violence that really shook +the house. + +"Poor pretty Harriet!" thought the compassionate chief magistrate, "and +poor Frederick too! The end of next week! This is only Monday; something +may turn up in that time; we must make inquiries; I had feared that it +would have been earlier. My old tetchy friend here is just the man to +have arranged the marriage one day, and had the ceremony performed the +next. We must look about us." And full of such cogitations, the mayor +returned to his habitation. + +On the Thursday week after this conversation a coach drew up, about +eight o'clock in the morning, at the gate of St Stephen's churchyard, +and Mr. Joseph Hanson, in all the gloss of bridal finery, newly clad +from top to toe, smiling and smirking at every instant, jumped down, +followed by John Parsons, and prepared to hand out his reluctant bride +elect, when Mr. Mallet, with a showy-looking middle-aged woman (a sort +of feminine of Joseph himself) hanging upon his arm, accosted our friend +the tinman. + +"Stop!" cried the mayor. + +"What for?" inquired John Parsons. "If it's a debt, I've already told +you that I'll be his bail." + +"It is a debt," responded the chief magistrate; "and one that luckily he +must pay, and not you. Three years ago he married this lady at Liverpool +We have the certificate and all the documents." + +"Yes, sir," added the injured fair one; "and I find that he has another +wife in Dublin, and a third at Manchester. I have heard, too, that he +ran away with a young lady to Scotland; but that don't count, as he was +under age." + +"Four wives!" ejaculated John Parsons, in a transport of astonishment +and indignation. "Why the man is an absolute great Turk! But the +thing's impossible. Come and answer for yourself, Joseph Hanson." + +And the tinman turned to look for his intended son-in-law; but +frightened at the sight of the fair claimant of his hand and person, the +bridegroom had absconded, and John Parsons and the mayor had nothing for +it but to rejoin the pretty Harriet, smiling through her tears as she +sate with her bride-maiden in the coach at the churchyard-gate. + +"Well; it's a great escape! and we're for ever obliged to you, Mr. +Mayor. Don't cry any more, Harriet. If Frederick was but here, why, in +spite of the policemen---- but a week hence will do as well; and I am +beginning to be of Harriet's mind, that even if he had not had three or +four wives, we should be well off to be fairly rid of Mr. Joseph Hanson, +the puffing haberdasher." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Joseph Hanson, The Haberdasher, by +Mary Russell Mitford + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Joseph Hanson, The Haberdasher + +Author: Mary Russell Mitford + +Release Date: October 2, 2007 [EBook #22841] +Last Updated: January 9, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. JOSEPH HANSON, THE HABERDASHER *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + MR. JOSEPH HANSON, <br /> THE HABERDASHER + </h1> + <h2> + By Mary Russell Mitford + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + These are good days for great heroes; so far at least as regards the + general spread and universal diffusion of celebrity. In the matter of + fame, indeed, that grand bill upon posterity which is to be found written + in the page of history, and the changes of empires, Alexander may, for + aught I know, be nearly on a par with the Duke of Wellington; but in point + of local and temporary tributes to reputation, the great ancient, king + though he were, must have been far behind the great modern. Even that + comparatively recent warrior, the Duke of Marlborough, made but a slight + approach to the popular honours paid to the conqueror of Napoleon. A few + alehouse signs and the ballad of "Marlbrook s'en va't en guerre," (for we + are not talking now of the titles, and pensions, and palaces, granted to + him by the Sovereign and the Parliament,) seem to have been the chief if + not the only popular demonstrations vouchsafed by friends and enemies to + the hero of Blenheim. + </p> + <p> + The name of Wellington, on the other hand, is necessarily in every man's + mouth at every hour of every day. He is the universal godfather of every + novelty, whether in art, in literature, or in science. Streets, bridges, + places, crescents, terraces, and railways, on the land; steam-boats on the + water; balloons in the air, are all distinguished by that honoured + appellation. We live in Wellington squares, we travel in Wellington + coaches, we dine in Wellington hotels, we are educated in Wellington + establishments, and are clothed from top to toe (that is to say the male + half of the nation) in Wellington boots, Wellington cloaks, Wellington + hats, each of which shall have been severally purchased at a warehouse + bearing the same distinguished title. + </p> + <p> + Since every market town and almost every village in the kingdom, could + boast a Wellington house, or a Waterloo house, emulous to catch some + gilded ray from the blaze of their great namesake's glory, it would have + been strange indeed if the linendrapers and haberdashers of our good town + of Belford Regis had been so much in the rear of fashion as to neglect + this easy method of puffing off their wares. On the contrary, so much did + our shopkeepers rely upon the influence of an illustrious appellation, + that they seemed to despair of success unless sheltered by the laurels of + the great commander, and would press his name into the service, even after + its accustomed and legitimate forms of use seemed exhausted. Accordingly + we had not only a Wellington house and a Waterloo house, but a new + Waterloo establishment, and a genuine and original Duke of Wellington + warehouse. + </p> + <p> + The new Waterloo establishment, a flashy dashy shop in the market-place, + occupying a considerable extent of frontage, and "conducted (as the + advertisements have it) by Mr. Joseph Hanson, late of London," put forth + by far the boldest pretensions of any magazine of finery and frippery in + the town; and it is with that magnificent <i>store</i>, and with that + only, that I intend to deal in the present story. + </p> + <p> + If the celebrated Mr. Puff, he of the Critic, who, although Sheridan + probably borrowed the idea of that most amusing personage from the + auctioneers and picture-dealers of Foote's admirable farces, first reduced + to system the art of profitable lying, setting forth methodically + (scientifically it would be called in these days) the different genera and + species of that flourishing craft—if Mr. Puff himself were to + revisit this mortal stage, he would lift up his hands and eyes in + admiration and astonishment at the improvements which have taken place in + the art from whence he took, or to which he gave, a name (for the fact is + doubtful) the renowned art of Puffing! + </p> + <p> + Talk of the progress of society, indeed! of the march of intellect, and + the diffusion of knowledge, of infant schools and adult colleges, of + gas-lights and rail-roads, of steam-boats and steam-coaches, of literature + for nothing, and science for less! What are they and fifty other such + nick-nacks compared with the vast strides made by this improving age in + the grand art of puffing? Nay, are they not for the most part mere + implements and accessories of that mighty engine of trade? What is half + the march of intellect, but puffery? Why do little children learn their + letters at school, but that they may come hereafter to read puffs at + college? Why but for the propagation of puffs do honorary lecturers hold + forth upon science, and gratuitous editors circulate literature? Are not + gas-lights chiefly used for their illumination, and steamboats for their + spread? And shall not history, which has given to one era the name of the + age of gold, and has entitled another the age of silver, call this present + nineteenth century the age of puffs? + </p> + <p> + Take up the first thing upon your table, the newspaper for instance, or + the magazine, the decorated drawing-box, the Bramah pen, and twenty to one + but a puff more or less direct shall lurk in the patent of the one, while + a whole congeries of puffs shall swarm in bare and undisguised effrontery + between the pages of the other. + </p> + <p> + Walk into the streets;—and what meet you there? Puffs! puffs! puffs! + From the dead walls, chalked over with recommendations to purchase Mr. + Such-an-one's blacking, to the walking placard insinuating the excellences + of Mr. What-d'ye-call-him's Cream Gin*—from the bright resplendent + brass-knob, garnished with the significant words "Office Bell," beside the + door of an obscure surveyor, to the spruce carriage of a newly arrived + physician driving empty up and down the street, everything whether movable + or stationary is a puff. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * He was a genius in his line (I had almost written an evil + genius) who invented that rare epithet, that singular + combination of the sweetest and purest of all luxuries, the + most healthful and innocent of dainties, redolent of + association so rural and poetical, with the vilest + abominations of great cities, the impure and disgusting + source of misery and crime. Cream Gin! The union of such + words is really a desecration of one of nature's most genial + gifts, as well as a burlesque on the charming old pastoral + poets; a flagrant offence against morals, and against that + which in its highest sense may almost be considered a branch + of morality—taste. +</pre> + <p> + But shops form, of course, the chief locality of the craft of puffing. The + getting off of goods is its grand aim and object. And of all shops those + which are devoted to the thousand and one articles of female decoration, + the few things which women do, and the many which they do not want, stand + pre-eminent in this great art of the nineteenth century. + </p> + <p> + Not to enter upon the grand manoeuvres of the London establishments, the + doors for carriages to set down and the doors for carriages to take up, + indicating an affluence of customers, a degree of crowd and inconvenience + equal to the King's Theatre, on a Saturday night, or the queen's + drawing-room on a birthday, and attracting the whole female world by that + which in a fashionable cause the whole female world loves so dearly, + confusion, pressure, heat and noise;—to say nothing of those bold + schemes which require the multitudes of the metropolis to afford them the + slightest chance of success, we in our good borough of Belford Regis, + simple as it stands, had, as I have said, as pretty a show of speculating + haberdashers as any country town of its inches could well desire; the most + eminent of whom was beyond all question or competition, the proprietor of + the New Waterloo Establishment, Mr. Joseph Hanson, late of London. + </p> + <p> + His shop displayed, as I have already intimated, one of the largest and + showiest frontages in the market-place, and had been distinguished by a + greater number of occupants and a more rapid succession of failures in the + same line than any other in the town. + </p> + <p> + The last tenant, save one, of that celebrated warehouse—the + penultimate bankrupt—had followed the beaten road of puffing, and + announced his goods as the cheapest ever manufactured. According to + himself, his handbills, and his advertisements, everything contained in + that shop was so very much under prime cost, that the more he sold the + sooner he must be ruined. To hear him, you would expect not only that he + should give his ribbons and muslins for nothing, but that he should offer + you a premium for consenting to accept of them. Gloves, handkerchiefs, + nightcaps, gown-pieces, every article at the door and in the window was + covered with tickets, each nearly as large as itself, tickets that might + be read across the market-place; and townspeople and country-people came + flocking round about, some to stare and some to buy. The starers were, + however, it is to be presumed, more numerous than the buyers, for + notwithstanding his tickets, his handbills, and his advertisements, in + less than six months the advertiser had failed, and that stock never, as + it's luckless owner used to say, approached for cheapness, was sold off at + half its original price. + </p> + <p> + Warned by his predecessor's fate, the next comer adopted a newer and a + nobler style of attracting public attention. He called himself a steady + trader of the old school, abjured cheapness as synonymous with cheating, + disclaimed everything that savoured of a puff, denounced handbills and + advertisements, and had not a ticket in his whole shop. He cited the high + price of his articles as proofs of their goodness, and would have held + himself disgraced for ever if he had been detected in selling a reasonable + piece of goods. "He could not," he observed, "expect to attract the rabble + by such a mode of transacting business; his aim was to secure a select + body of customers amongst the nobility and gentry, persons who looked to + quality and durability in their purchases, and were capable of estimating + the solid advantages of dealing with a tradesman who despised the trumpery + artifices of the day." + </p> + <p> + So high-minded a declaration, enforced too by much solemnity of utterance + and appearance—the speaker being a solid, substantial, middle-aged + man, equipped in a full suit of black, with a head nicely powdered, and a + pen stuck behind his ear—such a declaration from so important a + personage ought to have succeeded; but somehow or other it did not. His + customers, gentle and simple, were more select than numerous, and in + another six months the high-price man failed just as the low-price man had + failed before him. + </p> + <p> + Their successor, Mr. Joseph Hanson, claimed to unite in his own person the + several merits of both his antecedents. Cheaper than the cheapest, better, + finer, more durable, than the best, nothing at all approaching his + assortment of linendrapery had, as he swore, and his head shopman, Mr. + Thomas Long, asseverated, ever been seen before in the streets of Belford + Regis; and the oaths of the master and the asseverations of the man, + together with a very grand display of fashions and finery, did really + seem, in the first instance at least, to attract more customers than had + of late visited those unfortunate premises. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Joseph Hanson and Mr. Thomas Long were a pair admirably suited to the + concern, and to one another. Each possessed pre-eminently the various + requisites and qualifications in which the other happened to be deficient. + Tall, slender, elderly, with a fine bald head, a mild countenance, a most + insinuating address, and a general air of faded gentility, Mr. Thomas Long + was exactly the foreman to give respectability to his employer; whilst + bold, fluent, rapid, loud, dashing in aspect and manner, with a great fund + of animal spirits, and a prodigious stock of assurance and conceit, + respectability was, to say the truth, the precise qualification which Mr. + Joseph Hanson most needed. + </p> + <p> + Then the good town of Belford being divided, like most other country + towns, into two prevailing factions, theological and political, the + worthies whom I am attempting to describe prudently endeavoured to catch + all parties by embracing different sides; Mr. Joseph Hanson being a tory + and high-churchman of the very first water, who showed his loyalty + according to the most approved faction, by abusing his Majesty's ministers + as revolutionary, thwarting the town-council, getting tipsy at + conservative dinners, and riding twenty miles to attend an eminent + preacher who wielded in a neighbouring county all the thunders of + orthodoxy; whilst the soft-spoken Mr. Thomas Long was a Dissenter and a + radical, who proved his allegiance to the House of Brunswick (for both + claimed to be amongst the best wishers to the present dynasty and the + reigning sovereign) by denouncing the government as weak and aristocratic, + advocating the abolition of the peerage, getting up an operative reform + club, and going to chapel three times every Sunday. + </p> + <p> + These measures succeeded so well, that the allotted six months (the + general period of failure in that concern) elapsed, and still found Mr. + Joseph Hanson as flourishing as ever in manner, and apparently flourishing + in trade; they stood him, too, in no small stead, in a matter which + promised to be still more conducive to his prosperity than buying and + selling feminine gear,—in the grand matter (for Joseph jocosely + professed to be a forlorn bachelor upon the lookout for a wife) of a + wealthy marriage. + </p> + <p> + One of the most thrifty and thriving tradesmen in the town of Belford, was + old John Parsons, the tinman. His spacious shop, crowded with its + glittering and rattling commodities, pots, pans, kettles, meat-covers, in + a word, the whole <i>batterie de cuisine</i>, was situate in the narrow, + inconvenient lane called Oriel Street, which I have already done myself + the honour of introducing to the courteous reader, standing betwixt a + great chemist on one side, his windows filled with coloured jars, red, + blue, and green, looking like painted glass, or like the fruit made of + gems in Aladdin's garden, (I am as much taken myself with those jars in a + chemist's window as ever was Miss Edgeworth's Rosamond,) and an eminent + china warehouse on the other; our tinman having the honour to be next-door + neighbour to no less a lady than Mrs. Philadelphia Tyler. Many a thriving + tradesman might be found in Oriel Street, and many a blooming damsel + amongst the tradesmen's daughters; but if the town gossip might be + believed, the richest of all the rich shopkeepers was old John Parsons, + and the prettiest girl (even without reference to her father's moneybags) + was his fair daughter Harriet. + </p> + <p> + John Parsons was one of those loud, violent, blustering, boisterous + personages who always put me in mind of the description so often appended + to characters of that sort in the dramatis personę of Beaumont and + Fletcher's plays, where one constantly meets with Ernulpho or Bertoldo, or + some such Italianised appellation, "an old angry gentleman." The "old + angry gentleman" of the fine old dramatists generally keeps the promise of + the play-bill. He storms and rails during the whole five acts, scolding + those the most whom he loves the best, making all around him + uncomfortable, and yet meaning fully to do right, and firmly convinced + that he is himself the injured party; and after quarrelling with cause or + without to the end of the comedy, makes friends all round at the + conclusion;—a sort of person whose good intentions everybody + appreciates, but from whose violence everybody that can is sure to get + away. + </p> + <p> + Now such men are just as common in the real workaday world as in the old + drama; and precisely such a man was John Parsons. + </p> + <p> + His daughter was exactly the sort of creature that such training was + calculated to produce; gentle, timid, shrinking, fond of her father, who + indeed doated upon her, and would have sacrificed his whole substance, his + right arm, his life, anything except his will or his humour, to give her a + moment's pleasure; gratefully fond of her father, but yet more afraid than + fond. + </p> + <p> + The youngest and only surviving child of a large family, and brought up + without a mother's care, since Mrs. Parsons had died in her infancy, there + was a delicacy and fragility, a slenderness of form and transparency of + complexion, which, added to her gentleness and modesty, gave an unexpected + elegance to the tinman's daughter. A soft appealing voice, dove-like eyes, + a smile rather sweet than gay, a constant desire to please, and a total + unconsciousness of her own attractions, were amongst her chief + characteristics. Some persons hold the theory that dissimilarity answers + best in matrimony, and such persons would have found a most satisfactory + contrast of appearance, mind, and manner, between the fair Harriet and her + dashing suitor. + </p> + <p> + Besides his one great and distinguishing quality of assurance and vulgar + pretension, which it is difficult to describe, by any word short of + impudence, Mr. Joseph Hanson was by no means calculated to please the eye + of a damsel of seventeen, an age at which a man who owned to + five-and-thirty, and who looked and most probably was at least ten years + farther advanced on the journey of life, would not fail to be set down as + a confirmed old bachelor. He had, too, a large mouth, full of large + irregular teeth, a head of hair which bore a great resemblance to a wig, + and a suspicion of a squint, (for it did not quite amount to that odious + deformity,) which added a most sinister expression to his countenance. + Harriet Parsons could not abide him; and I verily believe she would have + disliked him just as much though a certain Frederick Mallet had never been + in existence. + </p> + <p> + How her father, a dissenter, a radical, and a steady tradesman of the old + school, who hated puffs and puffery, and finery and fashion, came to be + taken in by a man opposed to him in religion and politics, in action and + in speech, was a riddle that puzzled half the gossips in Belford. It + happened through a mutual enmity, often (to tell an unpalatable truth of + poor human nature) a stronger bond of union than a mutual affection. + </p> + <p> + Thus it fell out. + </p> + <p> + Amongst the reforms carried into effect by the town-council, whereof John + Parsons was a leading member, was the establishment of an efficient new + police to replace the incapable old watchmen, who had hitherto been the + sole guardians of life and property in our ancient borough. As far as the + principle went, the liberal party were united and triumphant. They split, + as liberals are apt to split, upon the rock of detail. It so happened that + a turnpike, belonging to one of the roads leading into Belford, had been + removed, by order of the commissioners, half a mile farther from the town;—half + a mile indeed beyond the town boundary; and although there were only three + houses, one a beer-shop, and the two others small tenements inhabited by + labouring people, between the site of the old turnpike at the end of + Prince's Street, and that of the new, at the King's Head Pond, our friend + the tinman, who was nothing if not crotchetty, insisted with so much + pertinacity upon the perambulation of the blue-coated officials appointed + for that beat, being extended along the highway for the distance + aforesaid, that the whole council were set together by the ears, and the + measure had very nearly gone by the board in consequence. The imminence of + the peril saved them. The danger of reinstating the ancient Dogberrys of + the watch, and still worse, of giving a triumph to the tories, brought the + reformers to their senses—all except the man of tin, who, becoming + only the more confirmed in his own opinion as ally after ally fell off + from him, persisted in dividing the council six different times, and had + the gratification of finding himself on each of the three last divisions, + in a minority of one. He was about to bring forward the question upon a + seventh occasion, when a hint as to the propriety in such case of moving a + vote of censure against him for wasting the time of the board, caused him + to secede from the council in a fury, and to quarrel with the whole + municipal body, from the mayor downward. + </p> + <p> + Now the mayor, a respectable and intelligent attorney, heretofore John + Parsons' most intimate friend, happened to have been brought publicly and + privately into collision with Mr. Joseph Hanson, who, delighted to find an + occasion on which he might at once indulge his aversion to the civic + dignitary, and promote the interest of his love-suit, was not content with + denouncing the corporation <i>de vive voię</i>, but wrote three + grandiloquent letters to the Belford Courant, in which he demonstrated + that the welfare of the borough, and the safety of the constitution, + depended upon the police parading regularly, by day and by night, along + the high road to the King's Head Pond, and that none but a pettifogging + chief magistrate, and an incapable town-council, corrupt tools of a + corrupt administration, could have had the gratuitous audacity to cause + the policeman to turn at the top of Prince's Street, thereby leaving the + persons and property of his majesty's liege subjects unprotected and + uncared for. He enlarged upon the fact of the tenements in question being + occupied by agricultural labourers, a class over whom, as he observed, the + demagogues now in power delighted to tyrannise; and concluded his + flourishing appeal to the conservatives of the borough, the county, and + the empire at large, by a threat of getting up a petition against the + council, and bringing the whole affair before the two Houses of + Parliament. + </p> + <p> + Although this precious epistle was signed Amicus Patrię, the writer was + far too proud of his production to entrench himself behind the inglorious + shield of a fictitious signature, and as the mayor, professionally + indignant at the epithet pettifogging, threatened both the editor of the + Belford Courant and Mr. Joseph Hanson with an action for libel, it + followed, as matter of course, that John Parsons not only thought the + haberdasher the most able and honest man in the borough, but regarded him + as the champion, if not the martyr, of his cause, and one who deserved + everything that he had to bestow, even to the hand and portion of the + pretty Harriet. + </p> + <p> + Affairs were in this posture, when one fine morning the chief magistrate + of Belford entered the tinman's shop. + </p> + <p> + "Mr. Parsons," said the worthy dignitary, in a very conciliatory tone, + "you may be as angry with me as you like, but I find from our good vicar + that the fellow Hanson has applied to him for a licence, and I cannot let + you throw away my little friend Harriet without giving you warning, that a + long and bitter repentance will follow such a union. There are emergencies + in which it becomes a duty to throw aside professional niceties, and to + sacrifice etiquette to the interests of an old friendship; and I tell you, + as a prudent man, that I know of my own knowledge that this intended + son-in-law of your's will be arrested before the wedding-day." + </p> + <p> + "I'll bail him," said John Parsons, stoutly. + </p> + <p> + "He is not worth a farthing," quoth the chief magistrate. + </p> + <p> + "I shall give him ten thousand pounds with my daughter," answered the man + of pots and kettles. + </p> + <p> + "I doubt if ten thousand pounds will pay his just debts," rejoined the + mayor. + </p> + <p> + "Then I'll give him twenty," responded the tinman. + </p> + <p> + "He has failed in five different places within the last five years," + persisted the pertinacious adviser; "has run away from his creditors, + Heaven knows how often; has taken the benefit of the Act time after time! + You would not give your own sweet Harriet, the best and prettiest girl in + the county, to an adventurer, the history of whose life is to be found in + the Gazette and the Insolvent Court, and who is a high churchman and a + tory to boot. Surely you would not fling away your daughter and your + honest earnings upon a man of notorious bad character, with whom you have + not an opinion or a prejudice in common? Just think what the other party + will say!" + </p> + <p> + "I'll tell you what, Mr. Mallet or Mr. Mayor, if you prefer the sound of + your new dignity," broke out John Parsons, in a fury, "I shall do what I + like with my money and my daughter, without consulting you, or caring what + anybody may chance to say, whether whig or tory. For my part, I think + there's little to choose between them. One side's as bad as the other. + Tyrants in office and patriots out. If Hanson is a conservative and a + churchman, his foreman is a radical and a dissenter; and they neither of + them pretend to dictate to their betters, which is more than I can say of + some who call themselves reformers. Once for all, I tell you that he shall + marry my Harriet, and that your nephew sha'n't: so now you may arrest him + as soon as you like. I'm not to be managed here, however you and your + tools may carry matters at the Town Hall. An Englishman's house is his + castle." + </p> + <p> + "Well," said Mr. Mallet, "I am going. God knows I came out of old + friendship towards yourself, and sincere affection for the dear girl your + daughter. As to my nephew, besides that I firmly believe the young people + like each other, I know him to be as steady a lad as ever drew a + conveyance; and with what his father has left him, and what I can give + him, to say nothing of his professional prospects, he would be a fit match + for Harriet as far as money goes. But if you are determined——" + </p> + <p> + "I <i>am</i> determined," roared John Parsons. "Before next week is out, + Joseph Hanson shall be my son-in-law. And now, sir, I advise you to go and + drill your police." And the tinman retired from behind the counter into + the interior of his dwelling, (for this colloquy had taken place in the + shop,) banging the door behind him with a violence that really shook the + house. + </p> + <p> + "Poor pretty Harriet!" thought the compassionate chief magistrate, "and + poor Frederick too! The end of next week! This is only Monday; something + may turn up in that time; we must make inquiries; I had feared that it + would have been earlier. My old tetchy friend here is just the man to have + arranged the marriage one day, and had the ceremony performed the next. We + must look about us." And full of such cogitations, the mayor returned to + his habitation. + </p> + <p> + On the Thursday week after this conversation a coach drew up, about eight + o'clock in the morning, at the gate of St Stephen's churchyard, and Mr. + Joseph Hanson, in all the gloss of bridal finery, newly clad from top to + toe, smiling and smirking at every instant, jumped down, followed by John + Parsons, and prepared to hand out his reluctant bride elect, when Mr. + Mallet, with a showy-looking middle-aged woman (a sort of feminine of + Joseph himself) hanging upon his arm, accosted our friend the tinman. + </p> + <p> + "Stop!" cried the mayor. + </p> + <p> + "What for?" inquired John Parsons. "If it's a debt, I've already told you + that I'll be his bail." + </p> + <p> + "It is a debt," responded the chief magistrate; "and one that luckily he + must pay, and not you. Three years ago he married this lady at Liverpool + We have the certificate and all the documents." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, sir," added the injured fair one; "and I find that he has another + wife in Dublin, and a third at Manchester. I have heard, too, that he ran + away with a young lady to Scotland; but that don't count, as he was under + age." + </p> + <p> + "Four wives!" ejaculated John Parsons, in a transport of astonishment and + indignation. "Why the man is an absolute great Turk! But the thing's + impossible. Come and answer for yourself, Joseph Hanson." + </p> + <p> + And the tinman turned to look for his intended son-in-law; but frightened + at the sight of the fair claimant of his hand and person, the bridegroom + had absconded, and John Parsons and the mayor had nothing for it but to + rejoin the pretty Harriet, smiling through her tears as she sate with her + bride-maiden in the coach at the churchyard-gate. + </p> + <p> + "Well; it's a great escape! and we're for ever obliged to you, Mr. Mayor. + Don't cry any more, Harriet. If Frederick was but here, why, in spite of + the policemen—— but a week hence will do as well; and I am + beginning to be of Harriet's mind, that even if he had not had three or + four wives, we should be well off to be fairly rid of Mr. Joseph Hanson, + the puffing haberdasher." + </p> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Joseph Hanson, The Haberdasher, by +Mary Russell Mitford + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Joseph Hanson, The Haberdasher + +Author: Mary Russell Mitford + +Release Date: October 2, 2007 [EBook #22841] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. JOSEPH HANSON, THE HABERDASHER *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +MR. JOSEPH HANSON, THE HABERDASHER + +By Mary Russell Mitford + + +These are good days for great heroes; so far at least as regards the +general spread and universal diffusion of celebrity. In the matter +of fame, indeed, that grand bill upon posterity which is to be found +written in the page of history, and the changes of empires, Alexander +may, for aught I know, be nearly on a par with the Duke of Wellington; +but in point of local and temporary tributes to reputation, the great +ancient, king though he were, must have been far behind the great +modern. Even that comparatively recent warrior, the Duke of Marlborough, +made but a slight approach to the popular honours paid to the conqueror +of Napoleon. A few alehouse signs and the ballad of "Marlbrook s'en va't +en guerre," (for we are not talking now of the titles, and pensions, and +palaces, granted to him by the Sovereign and the Parliament,) seem to +have been the chief if not the only popular demonstrations vouchsafed by +friends and enemies to the hero of Blenheim. + +The name of Wellington, on the other hand, is necessarily in every man's +mouth at every hour of every day. He is the universal godfather of every +novelty, whether in art, in literature, or in science. Streets, bridges, +places, crescents, terraces, and railways, on the land; steam-boats on +the water; balloons in the air, are all distinguished by that honoured +appellation. We live in Wellington squares, we travel in Wellington +coaches, we dine in Wellington hotels, we are educated in Wellington +establishments, and are clothed from top to toe (that is to say the male +half of the nation) in Wellington boots, Wellington cloaks, Wellington +hats, each of which shall have been severally purchased at a warehouse +bearing the same distinguished title. + +Since every market town and almost every village in the kingdom, could +boast a Wellington house, or a Waterloo house, emulous to catch some +gilded ray from the blaze of their great namesake's glory, it would have +been strange indeed if the linendrapers and haberdashers of our good +town of Belford Regis had been so much in the rear of fashion as to +neglect this easy method of puffing off their wares. On the contrary, +so much did our shopkeepers rely upon the influence of an illustrious +appellation, that they seemed to despair of success unless sheltered by +the laurels of the great commander, and would press his name into the +service, even after its accustomed and legitimate forms of use seemed +exhausted. Accordingly we had not only a Wellington house and a Waterloo +house, but a new Waterloo establishment, and a genuine and original Duke +of Wellington warehouse. + +The new Waterloo establishment, a flashy dashy shop in the market-place, +occupying a considerable extent of frontage, and "conducted (as the +advertisements have it) by Mr. Joseph Hanson, late of London," put forth +by far the boldest pretensions of any magazine of finery and frippery in +the town; and it is with that magnificent _store_, and with that only, +that I intend to deal in the present story. + +If the celebrated Mr. Puff, he of the Critic, who, although Sheridan +probably borrowed the idea of that most amusing personage from the +auctioneers and picture-dealers of Foote's admirable farces, +first reduced to system the art of profitable lying, setting forth +methodically (scientifically it would be called in these days) the +different genera and species of that flourishing craft--if Mr. Puff +himself were to revisit this mortal stage, he would lift up his hands +and eyes in admiration and astonishment at the improvements which have +taken place in the art from whence he took, or to which he gave, a name +(for the fact is doubtful) the renowned art of Puffing! + +Talk of the progress of society, indeed! of the march of intellect, and +the diffusion of knowledge, of infant schools and adult colleges, +of gas-lights and rail-roads, of steam-boats and steam-coaches, of +literature for nothing, and science for less! What are they and fifty +other such nick-nacks compared with the vast strides made by this +improving age in the grand art of puffing? Nay, are they not for the +most part mere implements and accessories of that mighty engine of +trade? What is half the march of intellect, but puffery? Why do little +children learn their letters at school, but that they may come hereafter +to read puffs at college? Why but for the propagation of puffs do +honorary lecturers hold forth upon science, and gratuitous editors +circulate literature? Are not gas-lights chiefly used for their +illumination, and steamboats for their spread? And shall not history, +which has given to one era the name of the age of gold, and has entitled +another the age of silver, call this present nineteenth century the age +of puffs? + +Take up the first thing upon your table, the newspaper for instance, or +the magazine, the decorated drawing-box, the Bramah pen, and twenty to +one but a puff more or less direct shall lurk in the patent of the one, +while a whole congeries of puffs shall swarm in bare and undisguised +effrontery between the pages of the other. + +Walk into the streets;--and what meet you there? Puffs! puffs! puffs! +From the dead walls, chalked over with recommendations to purchase +Mr. Such-an-one's blacking, to the walking placard insinuating the +excellences of Mr. What-d'ye-call-him's Cream Gin*--from the bright +resplendent brass-knob, garnished with the significant words "Office +Bell," beside the door of an obscure surveyor, to the spruce carriage +of a newly arrived physician driving empty up and down the street, +everything whether movable or stationary is a puff. + + * He was a genius in his line (I had almost written an evil + genius) who invented that rare epithet, that singular + combination of the sweetest and purest of all luxuries, the + most healthful and innocent of dainties, redolent of + association so rural and poetical, with the vilest + abominations of great cities, the impure and disgusting + source of misery and crime. Cream Gin! The union of such + words is really a desecration of one of nature's most genial + gifts, as well as a burlesque on the charming old pastoral + poets; a flagrant offence against morals, and against that + which in its highest sense may almost be considered a branch + of morality--taste. + +But shops form, of course, the chief locality of the craft of puffing. +The getting off of goods is its grand aim and object. And of all shops +those which are devoted to the thousand and one articles of female +decoration, the few things which women do, and the many which they do +not want, stand pre-eminent in this great art of the nineteenth century. + +Not to enter upon the grand manoeuvres of the London establishments, the +doors for carriages to set down and the doors for carriages to take +up, indicating an affluence of customers, a degree of crowd and +inconvenience equal to the King's Theatre, on a Saturday night, or the +queen's drawing-room on a birthday, and attracting the whole female +world by that which in a fashionable cause the whole female world loves +so dearly, confusion, pressure, heat and noise;--to say nothing of those +bold schemes which require the multitudes of the metropolis to afford +them the slightest chance of success, we in our good borough of Belford +Regis, simple as it stands, had, as I have said, as pretty a show of +speculating haberdashers as any country town of its inches could well +desire; the most eminent of whom was beyond all question or competition, +the proprietor of the New Waterloo Establishment, Mr. Joseph Hanson, +late of London. + +His shop displayed, as I have already intimated, one of the largest and +showiest frontages in the market-place, and had been distinguished by a +greater number of occupants and a more rapid succession of failures in +the same line than any other in the town. + +The last tenant, save one, of that celebrated warehouse--the penultimate +bankrupt--had followed the beaten road of puffing, and announced his +goods as the cheapest ever manufactured. According to himself, his +handbills, and his advertisements, everything contained in that shop was +so very much under prime cost, that the more he sold the sooner he must +be ruined. To hear him, you would expect not only that he should give +his ribbons and muslins for nothing, but that he should offer you +a premium for consenting to accept of them. Gloves, handkerchiefs, +nightcaps, gown-pieces, every article at the door and in the window was +covered with tickets, each nearly as large as itself, tickets that might +be read across the market-place; and townspeople and country-people came +flocking round about, some to stare and some to buy. The starers were, +however, it is to be presumed, more numerous than the buyers, for +notwithstanding his tickets, his handbills, and his advertisements, in +less than six months the advertiser had failed, and that stock never, as +it's luckless owner used to say, approached for cheapness, was sold off +at half its original price. + +Warned by his predecessor's fate, the next comer adopted a newer and a +nobler style of attracting public attention. He called himself a steady +trader of the old school, abjured cheapness as synonymous with cheating, +disclaimed everything that savoured of a puff, denounced handbills and +advertisements, and had not a ticket in his whole shop. He cited the +high price of his articles as proofs of their goodness, and would have +held himself disgraced for ever if he had been detected in selling +a reasonable piece of goods. "He could not," he observed, "expect to +attract the rabble by such a mode of transacting business; his aim was +to secure a select body of customers amongst the nobility and gentry, +persons who looked to quality and durability in their purchases, and +were capable of estimating the solid advantages of dealing with a +tradesman who despised the trumpery artifices of the day." + +So high-minded a declaration, enforced too by much solemnity of +utterance and appearance--the speaker being a solid, substantial, +middle-aged man, equipped in a full suit of black, with a head nicely +powdered, and a pen stuck behind his ear--such a declaration from so +important a personage ought to have succeeded; but somehow or other +it did not. His customers, gentle and simple, were more select than +numerous, and in another six months the high-price man failed just as +the low-price man had failed before him. + +Their successor, Mr. Joseph Hanson, claimed to unite in his own person +the several merits of both his antecedents. Cheaper than the cheapest, +better, finer, more durable, than the best, nothing at all approaching +his assortment of linendrapery had, as he swore, and his head shopman, +Mr. Thomas Long, asseverated, ever been seen before in the streets of +Belford Regis; and the oaths of the master and the asseverations of +the man, together with a very grand display of fashions and finery, did +really seem, in the first instance at least, to attract more customers +than had of late visited those unfortunate premises. + +Mr. Joseph Hanson and Mr. Thomas Long were a pair admirably suited +to the concern, and to one another. Each possessed pre-eminently the +various requisites and qualifications in which the other happened to +be deficient. Tall, slender, elderly, with a fine bald head, a mild +countenance, a most insinuating address, and a general air of +faded gentility, Mr. Thomas Long was exactly the foreman to give +respectability to his employer; whilst bold, fluent, rapid, loud, +dashing in aspect and manner, with a great fund of animal spirits, and +a prodigious stock of assurance and conceit, respectability was, to +say the truth, the precise qualification which Mr. Joseph Hanson most +needed. + +Then the good town of Belford being divided, like most other country +towns, into two prevailing factions, theological and political, the +worthies whom I am attempting to describe prudently endeavoured to catch +all parties by embracing different sides; Mr. Joseph Hanson being a +tory and high-churchman of the very first water, who showed his loyalty +according to the most approved faction, by abusing his Majesty's +ministers as revolutionary, thwarting the town-council, getting tipsy +at conservative dinners, and riding twenty miles to attend an eminent +preacher who wielded in a neighbouring county all the thunders of +orthodoxy; whilst the soft-spoken Mr. Thomas Long was a Dissenter and a +radical, who proved his allegiance to the House of Brunswick (for both +claimed to be amongst the best wishers to the present dynasty and +the reigning sovereign) by denouncing the government as weak and +aristocratic, advocating the abolition of the peerage, getting up an +operative reform club, and going to chapel three times every Sunday. + +These measures succeeded so well, that the allotted six months (the +general period of failure in that concern) elapsed, and still found +Mr. Joseph Hanson as flourishing as ever in manner, and apparently +flourishing in trade; they stood him, too, in no small stead, in a +matter which promised to be still more conducive to his prosperity +than buying and selling feminine gear,--in the grand matter (for Joseph +jocosely professed to be a forlorn bachelor upon the lookout for a wife) +of a wealthy marriage. + +One of the most thrifty and thriving tradesmen in the town of Belford, +was old John Parsons, the tinman. His spacious shop, crowded with its +glittering and rattling commodities, pots, pans, kettles, meat-covers, +in a word, the whole _batterie de cuisine_, was situate in the narrow, +inconvenient lane called Oriel Street, which I have already done myself +the honour of introducing to the courteous reader, standing betwixt a +great chemist on one side, his windows filled with coloured jars, red, +blue, and green, looking like painted glass, or like the fruit made of +gems in Aladdin's garden, (I am as much taken myself with those jars +in a chemist's window as ever was Miss Edgeworth's Rosamond,) and an +eminent china warehouse on the other; our tinman having the honour to be +next-door neighbour to no less a lady than Mrs. Philadelphia Tyler. Many +a thriving tradesman might be found in Oriel Street, and many a blooming +damsel amongst the tradesmen's daughters; but if the town gossip might +be believed, the richest of all the rich shopkeepers was old John +Parsons, and the prettiest girl (even without reference to her father's +moneybags) was his fair daughter Harriet. + +John Parsons was one of those loud, violent, blustering, boisterous +personages who always put me in mind of the description so often +appended to characters of that sort in the dramatis personae of Beaumont +and Fletcher's plays, where one constantly meets with Ernulpho +or Bertoldo, or some such Italianised appellation, "an old angry +gentleman." The "old angry gentleman" of the fine old dramatists +generally keeps the promise of the play-bill. He storms and rails during +the whole five acts, scolding those the most whom he loves the best, +making all around him uncomfortable, and yet meaning fully to do right, +and firmly convinced that he is himself the injured party; and after +quarrelling with cause or without to the end of the comedy, makes +friends all round at the conclusion;--a sort of person whose good +intentions everybody appreciates, but from whose violence everybody that +can is sure to get away. + +Now such men are just as common in the real workaday world as in the old +drama; and precisely such a man was John Parsons. + +His daughter was exactly the sort of creature that such training was +calculated to produce; gentle, timid, shrinking, fond of her father, who +indeed doated upon her, and would have sacrificed his whole substance, +his right arm, his life, anything except his will or his humour, to give +her a moment's pleasure; gratefully fond of her father, but yet more +afraid than fond. + +The youngest and only surviving child of a large family, and brought +up without a mother's care, since Mrs. Parsons had died in her +infancy, there was a delicacy and fragility, a slenderness of form and +transparency of complexion, which, added to her gentleness and modesty, +gave an unexpected elegance to the tinman's daughter. A soft appealing +voice, dove-like eyes, a smile rather sweet than gay, a constant desire +to please, and a total unconsciousness of her own attractions, were +amongst her chief characteristics. Some persons hold the theory that +dissimilarity answers best in matrimony, and such persons would have +found a most satisfactory contrast of appearance, mind, and manner, +between the fair Harriet and her dashing suitor. + +Besides his one great and distinguishing quality of assurance and vulgar +pretension, which it is difficult to describe, by any word short of +impudence, Mr. Joseph Hanson was by no means calculated to please +the eye of a damsel of seventeen, an age at which a man who owned to +five-and-thirty, and who looked and most probably was at least ten years +farther advanced on the journey of life, would not fail to be set down +as a confirmed old bachelor. He had, too, a large mouth, full of large +irregular teeth, a head of hair which bore a great resemblance to a wig, +and a suspicion of a squint, (for it did not quite amount to that odious +deformity,) which added a most sinister expression to his countenance. +Harriet Parsons could not abide him; and I verily believe she would have +disliked him just as much though a certain Frederick Mallet had never +been in existence. + +How her father, a dissenter, a radical, and a steady tradesman of the +old school, who hated puffs and puffery, and finery and fashion, came to +be taken in by a man opposed to him in religion and politics, in action +and in speech, was a riddle that puzzled half the gossips in Belford. It +happened through a mutual enmity, often (to tell an unpalatable truth of +poor human nature) a stronger bond of union than a mutual affection. + +Thus it fell out. + +Amongst the reforms carried into effect by the town-council, whereof +John Parsons was a leading member, was the establishment of an efficient +new police to replace the incapable old watchmen, who had hitherto been +the sole guardians of life and property in our ancient borough. As far +as the principle went, the liberal party were united and triumphant. +They split, as liberals are apt to split, upon the rock of detail. It +so happened that a turnpike, belonging to one of the roads leading into +Belford, had been removed, by order of the commissioners, half a mile +farther from the town;--half a mile indeed beyond the town boundary; +and although there were only three houses, one a beer-shop, and the two +others small tenements inhabited by labouring people, between the site +of the old turnpike at the end of Prince's Street, and that of the new, +at the King's Head Pond, our friend the tinman, who was nothing if not +crotchetty, insisted with so much pertinacity upon the perambulation of +the blue-coated officials appointed for that beat, being extended along +the highway for the distance aforesaid, that the whole council were set +together by the ears, and the measure had very nearly gone by the board +in consequence. The imminence of the peril saved them. The danger of +reinstating the ancient Dogberrys of the watch, and still worse, +of giving a triumph to the tories, brought the reformers to their +senses--all except the man of tin, who, becoming only the more confirmed +in his own opinion as ally after ally fell off from him, persisted in +dividing the council six different times, and had the gratification of +finding himself on each of the three last divisions, in a minority of +one. He was about to bring forward the question upon a seventh occasion, +when a hint as to the propriety in such case of moving a vote of censure +against him for wasting the time of the board, caused him to secede from +the council in a fury, and to quarrel with the whole municipal body, +from the mayor downward. + +Now the mayor, a respectable and intelligent attorney, heretofore John +Parsons' most intimate friend, happened to have been brought publicly +and privately into collision with Mr. Joseph Hanson, who, delighted to +find an occasion on which he might at once indulge his aversion to the +civic dignitary, and promote the interest of his love-suit, was not +content with denouncing the corporation _de vive voiae_, but wrote three +grandiloquent letters to the Belford Courant, in which he demonstrated +that the welfare of the borough, and the safety of the constitution, +depended upon the police parading regularly, by day and by night, along +the high road to the King's Head Pond, and that none but a pettifogging +chief magistrate, and an incapable town-council, corrupt tools of a +corrupt administration, could have had the gratuitous audacity to cause +the policeman to turn at the top of Prince's Street, thereby leaving +the persons and property of his majesty's liege subjects unprotected +and uncared for. He enlarged upon the fact of the tenements in question +being occupied by agricultural labourers, a class over whom, as he +observed, the demagogues now in power delighted to tyrannise; and +concluded his flourishing appeal to the conservatives of the borough, +the county, and the empire at large, by a threat of getting up a +petition against the council, and bringing the whole affair before the +two Houses of Parliament. + +Although this precious epistle was signed Amicus Patriae, the writer +was far too proud of his production to entrench himself behind +the inglorious shield of a fictitious signature, and as the mayor, +professionally indignant at the epithet pettifogging, threatened both +the editor of the Belford Courant and Mr. Joseph Hanson with an action +for libel, it followed, as matter of course, that John Parsons not only +thought the haberdasher the most able and honest man in the borough, but +regarded him as the champion, if not the martyr, of his cause, and one +who deserved everything that he had to bestow, even to the hand and +portion of the pretty Harriet. + +Affairs were in this posture, when one fine morning the chief magistrate +of Belford entered the tinman's shop. + +"Mr. Parsons," said the worthy dignitary, in a very conciliatory tone, +"you may be as angry with me as you like, but I find from our good vicar +that the fellow Hanson has applied to him for a licence, and I cannot +let you throw away my little friend Harriet without giving you warning, +that a long and bitter repentance will follow such a union. There are +emergencies in which it becomes a duty to throw aside professional +niceties, and to sacrifice etiquette to the interests of an old +friendship; and I tell you, as a prudent man, that I know of my own +knowledge that this intended son-in-law of your's will be arrested +before the wedding-day." + +"I'll bail him," said John Parsons, stoutly. + +"He is not worth a farthing," quoth the chief magistrate. + +"I shall give him ten thousand pounds with my daughter," answered the +man of pots and kettles. + +"I doubt if ten thousand pounds will pay his just debts," rejoined the +mayor. + +"Then I'll give him twenty," responded the tinman. + +"He has failed in five different places within the last five years," +persisted the pertinacious adviser; "has run away from his creditors, +Heaven knows how often; has taken the benefit of the Act time after +time! You would not give your own sweet Harriet, the best and prettiest +girl in the county, to an adventurer, the history of whose life is to +be found in the Gazette and the Insolvent Court, and who is a high +churchman and a tory to boot. Surely you would not fling away your +daughter and your honest earnings upon a man of notorious bad character, +with whom you have not an opinion or a prejudice in common? Just think +what the other party will say!" + +"I'll tell you what, Mr. Mallet or Mr. Mayor, if you prefer the sound of +your new dignity," broke out John Parsons, in a fury, "I shall do what +I like with my money and my daughter, without consulting you, or caring +what anybody may chance to say, whether whig or tory. For my part, I +think there's little to choose between them. One side's as bad as the +other. Tyrants in office and patriots out. If Hanson is a conservative +and a churchman, his foreman is a radical and a dissenter; and they +neither of them pretend to dictate to their betters, which is more than +I can say of some who call themselves reformers. Once for all, I tell +you that he shall marry my Harriet, and that your nephew sha'n't: so +now you may arrest him as soon as you like. I'm not to be managed +here, however you and your tools may carry matters at the Town Hall. An +Englishman's house is his castle." + +"Well," said Mr. Mallet, "I am going. God knows I came out of old +friendship towards yourself, and sincere affection for the dear girl +your daughter. As to my nephew, besides that I firmly believe the young +people like each other, I know him to be as steady a lad as ever drew a +conveyance; and with what his father has left him, and what I can give +him, to say nothing of his professional prospects, he would be a fit +match for Harriet as far as money goes. But if you are determined----" + +"I _am_ determined," roared John Parsons. "Before next week is out, +Joseph Hanson shall be my son-in-law. And now, sir, I advise you to go +and drill your police." And the tinman retired from behind the counter +into the interior of his dwelling, (for this colloquy had taken place in +the shop,) banging the door behind him with a violence that really shook +the house. + +"Poor pretty Harriet!" thought the compassionate chief magistrate, "and +poor Frederick too! The end of next week! This is only Monday; something +may turn up in that time; we must make inquiries; I had feared that it +would have been earlier. My old tetchy friend here is just the man to +have arranged the marriage one day, and had the ceremony performed the +next. We must look about us." And full of such cogitations, the mayor +returned to his habitation. + +On the Thursday week after this conversation a coach drew up, about +eight o'clock in the morning, at the gate of St Stephen's churchyard, +and Mr. Joseph Hanson, in all the gloss of bridal finery, newly clad +from top to toe, smiling and smirking at every instant, jumped down, +followed by John Parsons, and prepared to hand out his reluctant bride +elect, when Mr. Mallet, with a showy-looking middle-aged woman (a sort +of feminine of Joseph himself) hanging upon his arm, accosted our friend +the tinman. + +"Stop!" cried the mayor. + +"What for?" inquired John Parsons. "If it's a debt, I've already told +you that I'll be his bail." + +"It is a debt," responded the chief magistrate; "and one that luckily he +must pay, and not you. Three years ago he married this lady at Liverpool +We have the certificate and all the documents." + +"Yes, sir," added the injured fair one; "and I find that he has another +wife in Dublin, and a third at Manchester. I have heard, too, that he +ran away with a young lady to Scotland; but that don't count, as he was +under age." + +"Four wives!" ejaculated John Parsons, in a transport of astonishment +and indignation. "Why the man is an absolute great Turk! But the +thing's impossible. Come and answer for yourself, Joseph Hanson." + +And the tinman turned to look for his intended son-in-law; but +frightened at the sight of the fair claimant of his hand and person, the +bridegroom had absconded, and John Parsons and the mayor had nothing for +it but to rejoin the pretty Harriet, smiling through her tears as she +sate with her bride-maiden in the coach at the churchyard-gate. + +"Well; it's a great escape! and we're for ever obliged to you, Mr. +Mayor. Don't cry any more, Harriet. If Frederick was but here, why, in +spite of the policemen---- but a week hence will do as well; and I am +beginning to be of Harriet's mind, that even if he had not had three or +four wives, we should be well off to be fairly rid of Mr. Joseph Hanson, +the puffing haberdasher." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Joseph Hanson, The Haberdasher, by +Mary Russell Mitford + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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