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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/22380-8.txt b/22380-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a9f16ed --- /dev/null +++ b/22380-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1503 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, +March 4, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, March 4, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: August 23, 2007 [EBook #22380] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +Transcriber's Note: The short pieces "Suppositious" and "Quite Another +Thing" were moved from their original positions accompanying the +illustration "The Political Fancy Dress Ball at Covent Gardent" to the end, +to prevent the "Essence of Parliament" article from being broken in the +middle. + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 104. + + + + +March 4, 1893. + + + + +A BALLAD OF WEALTHY WOOING. + + Ah, why, my Love, receive me + With such tip-tilted scorn? + Self-love can scarce retrieve me + From obloquy forlorn; + 'Twas not my fault, believe me, + That wealthy I was born. + Of Nature's gifts invidious + I'd choose I know not which; + One might as well be hideous + As shunn'd because he's rich. + O Love, if thou art bitter, + Then death must pleasant be; + I know not which is fitter, + Not I--(or is't "not me"?) + + 'Tis not that thou abhorrest, + Oh, maid of dainty mould! + The foison of the florist, + The goldsmith's craft of gold; + Nor less than others storest + Rare pelts by furriers sold; + But knowing I adore thee, + And deem all graces thine, + My choicest offerings bore + Just because they are mine. + Then, smile not, dear deceiver, + Keep no kind word for me, + Enough that the receiver + Is thou--(or is it "thee"?) + + When others come, how trimly + Thou sett'st thy chatty sail! + For me alone all dimly + Seemeth the sun to fail. + Young FRANK he frowneth grimly, + And thou turn'st haughty pale. + 'Tis not the taint of "City," + For here be scores who sport + Their Mayfair manners pretty + In Cop-the-Needle Court. + Ah, chill me not so coolly, + A Croesus though I be-- + The one who loveth truly + I swear is I--(or "me"?) + + But what availeth grammar + As taught in straitest schools-- + The hammer of the Crammer + Forging Bellona's tools-- + Or words that humbly stammer + Regardless of the rules? + And what availeth fretting, + Deep sighs, and dwindling waist, + And what the sad forgetting + Of culinary taste, + Since still thou fondly spurnest + Five hundred thou. (or "thee."?) + And on young STONEY turnest + Love's eye--(or _is_ it "me"?) + + * * * * * + +SAD CONCLUSION.--To be virtuous for virtue's sake, without prospect of +reward, this is to be good for nothing! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BYE-ELECTION-OLOGY. + +_Gladys._ "LISTEN, SIBYL. PAPA HAS WON A GREAT MORAL VICTORY----WHAT DOES A +MORAL VICTORY MEAN EXACTLY?" + +_Sibyl_ (_who has had more experience_). "OH, IT MEANS--WELL, THAT WE ARE +TO BE THE VICTIMS OF POLITICAL ECONOMY, AND NOT GO TO LONDON, AFTER ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +INDERWICKEDNESS. + +"I do not wish to make a joke," Mr. INDERWICK, Q.C., is reported to have +observed in the course of examining the plaintiff in a divorce case, but, +in spite of this pathetic announcement, which passed without any comment +from the Judge, the ruling passion was too strong for him, and he +continued, "but Artists' models are not always models of virtue, are they?" +Not new, not by any means new, of course, but he had apologised beforehand, +and he couldn't help it; as the weak heroine, who yields to strong +temptation in a French novel or play, usually acknowledges "_C'était plus +fort que moi_." The inflammable materials being in close contact, there was +nothing to 'inder-wick from catching fire when in proximity to a spark of +genius. Yet so powerfully had the eminent Queen's Counsel's prefatial +apology affected the court and the audience, that his saucy sally--(for +there is life in the old sally yet, whether in our alley or in this +Court)--was not followed by the usually reported "laughter." How was it +received? Doubtless with decorous silence and downcast eyes, expressive of +sweet memories of dear old jokes made long ago, in happier and brighter +times, "when all the world was young." + +When a good old joke is again brought into Court with or without apology, +instead of its being received with respectful silence, we should like to +read that it was greeted with "tears" or "sobs." It would, indeed, not be +unbecoming on the part of the Judge if, unable to control his emotion, he +had immediately arisen, and, in broken judicial utterances, had adjourned +the Court for the day, out of respect to the memory (for old jokes) of the +Leader or Junior who had apologetically perpetrated one. Should Mr. +INDERWICK try this again, the new effect, as above suggested, may be +obtained to the satisfaction of all parties, except, maybe, those to the +suit, "whom," as one learned brother might say with another, and still +profounder apology, "such a proceeding would not _suit_ at all." + + * * * * * + +LINES ON A LIFE-BELT. + +(_After Waller's "On a Girdle._") + + ["According to the evidence of the only two witnesses who sailed with + her, no Life-belts were forthcoming, when the Life-belts might have + given many of those on board a last chance of life."--_The "Times" on + the Inquiry into the Wreck of the "Roumania."_] + +_Shipwrecked Passenger loquitur_:-- + + That which would give me ease of mind, + And hope of life, I cannot find. + No monarch but would give his crown + For a Life-belt, when ships go down. + + It would relieve extremest fear, + That circlet light, that cork-lined sphere; + But in dark nooks below above, + The careless crew such trifles shove! + + A narrow compass, and yet there + Dwells safety, but for want of care. + Give me the Belt, which can't be found, + And I might live, who must be drowned! + + * * * * * + +A certain noble Lord was supposed to have somewhat disparaged one of his +horses on sale by describing him as "a Whistler." JAMES MCNEILL, "of that +ilk," was of opinion that this description, supposing the animal to have +been "a genuine Whistler," ought to have increased its value considerably. + + * * * * * + +The Musical Coster Craze. + +_Customer._ Have you a copy of COSTA'S _Eli_? + +_Shopman._ No, Sir; we have none of CHEVALIER'S songs. + + * * * * * + +SUPERLATIVE!--The appointment of Mr. DUFF, M.P., to be Governor of New +South Wales is a "positive" good, seeing that they might have appointed "a +comparative Duffer." + + * * * * * + +LOVELY CHEESE! OR, A WELSH RARE-BIT. + +[Illustration] + +AIR--_"Lovely Night." Dissenting Anti-Church Mice sing_:-- + + Lovely Cheese! Lovely Cheese! + To Church Mice thou art most dear, + But _do_ please, but _do_ please + Let _us_ also share thy cheer: + For though our "freedom" gladsome seems, + Too oft it brings poor fare alone; + But aided by what haunts our dreams, + How many joys Church Mice have known! + Lovely Cheese! Lovely Cheese! + Long we've yearned to draw more near + To the ease, toothsome ease, + Of the dwellers in thy sphere! + + Lovely cheese! Lovely cheese! + When a mouse thy cover nears, + Growling fit his heart to freeze, + Some keen-claw'd (Church) cat appears. + But now--that knife portends a boon; + Monopoly slice by slice 'twill slay. + We, too, may get--let it be soon!-- + Our bit of cheese, some day, some day! + Lovely Cheese! Lovely Cheese! + When that cover's lifted clear, + With what ease, with what ease + We poor mice may share Church cheer! + + * * * * * + +There was a feeling of uncertainty in the House of Commons last Wednesday, +as to what should be taken to constitute "A Religious Body." Not to go +harking back to the Rev. SYDNEY SMITH'S definition of "a +Corporation"--which, without speaking it profanely, cannot be here quoted +without offending eyes polite,--one may say that "A Religious Body" is a +contradiction in terms. It is simply "A Soul-less Thing." + + * * * * * + +"What's the name of that German Beer?" asked Mrs. R., "I rather think it is +Pil-sen-ner. It sounds to me more like medicine." + + * * * * * + +THE MAN FROM BLANKLEYS. + +A STORY IN SCENES. + + SCENE XI.--_The Drawing-room._ Mrs. GILWATTLE _is still unable to + express her feelings by more than a contemptuous glare._ + +_Uncle Gabriel._ My--ah--love, you didn't hear me. I was saying I've almost +prevailed on his Lordship---- + +_Mrs. Gilwattle_ (_becoming articulate_). His Lordship, indeed! If _that's_ +a Lord, I don't wonder you're such a Radical! + +_Uncle Gab._ Why--why--what's _come_ to you, JOANNA? My Lord, I hope you'll +excuse her--she's a little---- + +_Mrs. Gil._ Fiddlesticks! You've been made a fool of, GABRIEL! Can't you +see for yourself that he's neither the manners nor yet the appearance of a +_real_ nobleman--or anything but what he _is_? + +_Uncle Gab._ (_dropping_ Lord S.'s _arm_). Eh? If you're not a Lord, Sir, +what else _are_ you? + +_Lord Strath._ (_wavering between wrath and amusement_). Afraid I can't +enlighten you--I'm extremely curious to know myself. + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_distractedly_). Oh, Aunt, it wasn't my fault, really! +MONTAGUE _would_ have him! And--and we _sent_ round to say he wouldn't be +required--we did indeed! Please, _please_ don't tell anybody! + +_Mrs. Gil._ (_rigidly_). It is my _duty_ to let everyone here know how +disgracefully we have been insulted to-night, MARIA, and might have gone +away in ignorance, but for that innocent child--who has done nothing, that +_I_ can see, to deserve being shaken like that! _I_'m not going to sit by +in silence and see a man passed off as a Lord who is nothing more nor less +than one of the assistants out of BLANKLEY'S shop, hired to come and fill a +vacant seat! Yes, GABRIEL, if you doubt my word, look at MARIA--and _now_ +ask that young man to dine! + + [_Profound sensation among the company._ + +_Uncle Gab._ I--ah--withdraw the invitation, of course--it is cancelled, +Sir, cancelled! + +_Feminine Murmur._ I had a feeling, the moment he came in, as if--so +thankful now I didn't commit myself by so much as--ah, my dear, it all +comes from a desire to make a show!--&c., &c. + +_Uncle Gab._ It's the bare-faced impudence of coming here on false +pretences, that _I_ can't get over. Come, Mr. SHOPWALKER, COUNTERJUMPER, or +whatever you really are, what have _you_ got to say for yourself? + +_Lord Strath._ Say? Why---- + + [_He struggles to control his countenance for a moment, until he is + convulsed at last by irrepressible laughter._ + +_All_ (_except the_ TIDMARSHES). He's laughing--positively _laughing_ at +Us! The brazenness of it! + +_Lord Strath._ (_regaining composure_). I--I'm awfully sorry, but it struck +me suddenly as so----After all, the joke is only against myself. (_To +himself._) Must try and get my unfortunate hostess out of this fix--not +that she deserves it! (_Aloud._) If you will kindly let me explain, I think +I can---- + +_Mr. Tid._ (_suddenly_). Oh, hang explaining! It's all out now, and you'd +better leave it there! + +_Lord Strath._ I can't, indeed. I must make you all understand that this +well-meaning lady with the highly-developed sense of duty has done our host +and hostess a grave injustice, besides paying me a compliment I don't +deserve. I'm sorry to say I can't claim to be half as useful a member of +the community as any of the very obliging and attentive gentlemen in Mr. +BLANKLEY'S employment. If I'm anything, I'm a--an Egyptologist, in an +amateur sort of way, you know. A--in fact, I'm writing a book on Ancient +Egypt. + +_The Others._ A _literary_ man! As if _that_ made it any better! + +_Lord Strath._ I merely mention it because it led me to write to Mr. +CARTOUCHE--whom I happened to hear of as a famous collector--and ask to be +allowed to call and inspect his collection. Mr. CARTOUCHE (who lives, I +believe, at No. 92, next door) very kindly wrote, giving me leave, and +inviting me to dine at the same time, and--I know it was unpardonably +careless of me--but somehow I came here instead, and, Mr. and Mrs. TIDMARSH +being both too--er--hospitable to undeceive me, I never found my mistake +out till too late to put it right, without inconveniencing everybody. +That's really all. + + [_Uneasy reaction in the company._ + +_Uncle Gab._ (_pompously_). Ha--hum--no doubt that puts a somewhat +different complexion on the case, but it doesn't explain your conduct in +calling yourself Lord STRATHFOOZLEUM, or whatever it was. + +_Lord Strath._ I think you mean STRATHSPORRAN. I did call myself that, +because it happens to be my name. + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_passionately_). I don't believe it.... I _can't_. If it is, +why did Miss SEATON call you "Mr. CLAYPOLE"? + +_Lord Strath._ I beg your pardon--CLAYMORE. Because, when we last met, I +was DOUGLAS CLAYMORE, with no prospect whatever, as it seemed then, of +being anything else. + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_faintly_). Then he really is--_Oh_! + + [_She sinks on the couch, crushed._ + +_Uncle Gab._ Ha, well, my Lord, I'm glad this little misunderstanding is so +satisfactorily cleared up, and if I may venture to hope for the honour of +your company,--shall we say Friday wee----(Lord S. _looks at him +steadily._) Oh, if your Lordship has some better engagement, well and good. +Makes no difference to _me_ I assure you. JOANNA, our carriage must be here +by now, say good-bye and have done with it! Good-night, MARIA, I'll see you +don't expose me to _this_ again! + + + SCENE XII.--_The guests have all taken leave with extremely frosty + farewells_; Mr. TIDMARSH _is downstairs superintending their + departure._ GWENNIE _has been pardoned on_ Lord S.'s _intercession, + and dismissed, in much bewilderment, to bed._ Mrs. TIDMARSH _and_ Lord + STRATHSPORRAN _are alone._ + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_hysterically_). Oh, Lord STRATHSPORRAN, when I think how +I----What can I _ever_ say to you? + +_Lord Strath._ Only, I hope, that you forgive my stupidity in blundering in +here as I did, Mrs. TIDMARSH. + +_Mrs. Tid._ It _was_ a good deal your fault. If you had only said who you +really were--if my husband had not been idiot enough to misunderstand--if +Miss SEATON had been more straightforward, all this would never----! + +[Illustration: "Sitting down heavily on a Settee."] + +_Lord Strath._ We were all the victims of circumstances, weren't we? But I, +at least, have no reason to regret it. And, if I may ask one last +indulgence, will you--a--let me have an opportunity of saying good-bye to +Miss SEATON? + +_Mrs. Tid._ She, she doesn't _deserve_--Oh, I don't know _what_ I'm saying. +Of _course_, Lord STRATHSPORRAN, anything, _anything_ I can do to----I will +send her down to you, if you will only wait. She shall not keep you long! + +_Lord Strath._ (_alone, to himself_). It's an ill wind, &c. I shall have +MARJORY all to myself, now! To think that--but for a lucky blunder--I +should be spelling out scarabs and things on the wrong side of that wall at +this moment, and never dreaming that MARJORY was so----Ah, she's coming! +(Miss SEATON _enters, looking pale and disconsolate._) MARJORY, you've no +idea what you've missed! I _must_ tell you--it's too good to lose. What +_do_ you think all these good people have been taking me for? You'll never +guess! They actually believed I was hired from BLANKLEY'S! Give you my word +they did!... Why don't you _laugh_, MARJORY? + +_Miss Seaton_ (_faintly_). I--I _am_ laughing. No, DOUGLAS, I'm not. I +can't; I haven't the conscience to. Oh, I never meant you to know--but I +must tell you, whatever comes of it! _I_ believed it too, at first. +(_Tragically._) I _did_, DOUGLAS! + +_Lord Strath._ _Did_ you though, MARJORY? Then, by Jove, I _must_ have +looked the character! + +_Miss Seaton_ (_timidly_). I knew you--you weren't very well off, DOUGLAS, +and so I fancied you might----Oh, I know it was hateful of me ever to think +such a thing, but I did. And you can never _really_ forgive me! + +_Lord Strath._ Couldn't think of it! Shall I tell you something else, +MARJORY? I've a strong impression that you will not be an inmate of this +happy English household _much_ longer. + +_Miss Seaton._ I'm _sure_ I shan't, from Mrs. TIDMARSH'S expression just +now. But I don't care! + +_Lord Strath._ Don't be reckless. How do you know there isn't a moral lion +about? And where will you go next, MARJORY? + +_Miss Seaton_ (_with a shrug_). I don't know. I suppose to anybody who +wants a Governess, and doesn't mind taking her without a reference, if +there _is_ such a person! + +_Lord Strath._ Well, oddly enough, I fancy I know somebody who has been +trying for a long time to find a young person of just your age and +appearance, and might be induced to waive a reference on a personal +interview. (Miss SEATON _looks incredulous._)... MARJORY, don't you +understand? If I hadn't been such a pauper, I'd have spoken long ago, when +we were up in Scotland together, only it didn't seem fair then. I--I +daresay I've no better chance now; but, at least, I've more right to speak +than I had, and--and--will you have me, MARJORY? (_She turns away._) I--I +won't worry you, dear, if you really can't care about me in that way; +but--but if you only _could_, MARJORY, even a little! + +_Miss Seaton._ DOUGLAS!... + + _Same Scene--somewhat later._ + +_Lord Strath._ Not yet, MARJORY--I can't let you go just yet!... Must I, +really? Before I've said half what I wanted!... Well--in one minute, then. +And you're coming to my people as soon as you can get out of this, MARJORY; +and I shall see you every day, till--till we shall never be separated +any----Confound it!--who's that? [Mr. TIDMARSH _enters suddenly._ + +_Mr. Tid._ Oh--er--Lord STRATHSPORRAN, sorry to interrupt you, but--hem--my +wife, who's feeling too unwell to come down again, desires me to say that, +in her opinion, Miss SEATON has been here quite long enough. [Miss SEATON +_escapes by the back drawing-room._ + +_Lord Strath._ I entirely agree with Mrs. TIDMARSH; but I am happy to say +that Miss SEATON will not remain here very much longer, as she has just +done me the honour of consenting to be my wife. Good night, Sir, and many +thanks for a most er--eventful evening. + + [_He goes out._ + +_Mr. Tid._ (_making an effort to escort him downstairs, but giving it up, +and sitting down heavily on a settee instead_). She'll be Lady +STRATHSPORRAN! And I shall have to break it to MARIA--after she's just gone +in and stuck a month's salary and immediate notice on her pincushion! Oh, +lor--as if my poor wife hadn't trouble enough to bear as it was! + +THE END. + + * * * * * + +HARE-ING HIS DIPLOMACY. + +As I have already conveyed, in a short note last week, the first night of +the revival of _Diplomacy_, viz., Saturday, Feb. 18th, will be for ever +memorable in the annals of the English stage in general, and in the +reminiscences of Mr. JOHN HARE in particular, whenever he may choose to +give them to the public. It will also afford matter for a brilliant chapter +in the second or third series of Mr. and Mrs. BANCROFT'S _On and Off the +Stage_. A great night, too, for the eminent adapters Messrs. SCOTT and +STEPHENSON, once known as "the Brothers ROWE," who rowed in the same boat. + +Never, at any time, has this version of the French play been so well cast +as it is now at Garrick Theatre, though nervousness told on all the actors, +especially on the elder ones, except, apparently, Mrs. BANCROFT, in whose +performance there was hardly any trace of it, though once she nearly missed +her cue while resting awhile at the back of the stage. + +The part of _Lady Henry Fairfax_ has literally nothing whatever to do with +the plot, and were it not played as it is now, and played so capitally by +Mrs. BANCROFT, it would be better, for an English audience at least, if +omitted entirely, or reduced to a few appropriate lines in pleasant places. +An English audience wants the story, when once begun, to go on without any +break or interruption; and indeed, but for dramatic effect, an English +audience is inclined to resent even the division of a piece into Acts, +unless such arrangement is evidently necessitated by some heavy mechanical +change of scenery. + +So our audiences would decidedly prefer to have the _rôles_ of _Lady Henry_ +and _The Marquise de Rio Zarès_ (with her wearisome iteration about "Don +ALVA," and played with rather too much accentuation by Lady MONCKTON) +reduced to the smallest possible algebraic expression. Mr. BANCROFT was the +same _Count Orloff_ as he was years ago on the little stage of the old +Prince of Wales's Theatre; his action more deliberate than when he was +younger and more impetuous; his pauses for meditation longer by a thought +or so than of yore; while in his tone and manner there was just a +delicately-deepened colouring of the genuine original Bancroftian "Old +Master." To Mr. BANCROFT, resuscitating our old courtly friend _Count +Orloff_ (now _Count Orl-on-again_), I would address the once well-known +line from "_Woodman, spare that Tree_"-- + +"Touch not a single _bow_!" + +[Illustration: "Three Men in a boat."] + +ARTHUR CECIL, too, as _Baron Stein_, excellent, _cela va sans dire_; yet, +somehow, his effects now seem to me to be laid on with too broad a brush, +especially in the scene of his last appearance, where he makes a sly, and, +for the _Baron Stein_, a rather over-elaborated and farcical attempt to +recapture the letter he has just given up. FORBES ROBERTSON is good from +first to last as the very weak-knee'd _Julian Beauelere_, sufficiently +emotional in the strong situations, and never better than when the +character itself is at its weakest; that is, in the one great scene with +his wife. + +The _Algie Fairfax_, of Mr. GILBERT HARE, was natural where the authors +have allowed him to be natural, and best, therefore, in the last Act, where +he has become a responsible personage in a diplomatic office. The +"three-men-in-a-difficulty" scene went as well as ever, though, on the +whole, played far too slowly, and with so much "suppressed force," that the +celebrated "_Monsieur! à vos ordres!_" when _Orloff_ suddenly breaks out +into "the language of diplomacy," did not electrify the house. On the +contrary, the audience took it very quietly, awaiting with some curiosity +the interference of _Henry Beauclerc_. And it was at this point that the +services of Mr. JOHN HARE in this character were invaluable. Never had his +crisp incisive style produced more marked effect. It is a pity that in the +Third Act, which being the weak point of the play requires all the strength +of the actor to be seriously employed, Mr. HARE should have given a very +light comedy, nay, even a farcical touch to his treatment of the "business" +of sniffing the perfume--when he is literally "on the scent"--and to the +momentous situation of his interview with _Zicka_. "_Maintenant à nos +deux!_" Odd that, in his treatment of the strength of the scent, SARDOU +should have shown the feebleness of his methods. Yet so it is. The play, at +this point, being practically played out, he carelessly chucks the puppets +into a corner. He has made his great scenes, and there's an end of it; let +the weakest go to the wall. + +[Illustration: DUET--_Baron Cecil Stein and Lady Henry Bancroft Fairfax_ +(_with original model of Strasbourg Clock_)--"Here we are again!"] + +[Illustration: SCENT ZICKA--from a (guilt)-stained-glass Russian window.] + +Last of all to be mentioned with unstinted praise is Miss KATE RORKE. It is +as well to remember throughout that we are witnessing a play of +semi-French, not purely domestic English life, and the essence of the play +could not be adapted to ordinary English notions. _Julian Beauclerc_, for +example, in England, would never have challenged _Count Orloff_; he might +have had "a deuce of a row with him"; _et voilà tout_. _Dora_, as a young +Irish girl, and not, as she is here, a half-breed, would never have +threatened to suicide herself out of the window, though all else she, as a +not particularly well-educated, but certainly very impulsive girl, might +probably have done. Her great scene, where she bangs her fists against the +looked doors, shrieking to her husband to return--an effect to be led up to +and made within the space of a minute--was, if I may be allowed to say so, +without being suspected of exaggeration, "just perfect." That some +considerable time will elapse before the enthusiasm aroused by this revival +dies out among the patrons and lovers of the Drama-at-its-best is the +private opinion, publicly expressed, of Yours, truly, "THE ONE MAN SEEN" IN +A BOX. + +P.S.--When _Diplomacy_ shall have accomplished its Hundred Nights, Mr. HARE +can announce its Scentenary. + + * * * * * + +A LAST STRAW. + +(_By One who has to Make Bricks with It._) + + ["... It is rumoured that a measure will shortly be introduced for + transferring the duties of Revising Barristers to Magistrates."] + + Go, tell the budding blooms they'll ne'er have dew more, + Go, doom the summer trees to languish leafless-- + A like effect this ultra-fiendish rumour + Works in the drooping bosoms of the Briefless. + + No more Reviserships! No paltry pittance + For Themis' harvesters, too often sheafless! + Is this the Constitution, once Great Britain's; + _This_, your provision for the meekly Briefless? + + As well proclaim to such as slave at Sessions, + A world unburglarised and wholly thiefless, + As rob the least rewarded of professions + Of its ancestral comfort for the Briefless. + + What's to become of us?--I speak for many, + Idle and "Unemployed," but oh! not griefless; + Please, please kind Government to spare a penny, + Or yet Trafalgar Square shall rouse the Briefless. + + Yes! Don't imagine, uncomplaining creatures + Are quite disorganised and limp, and chiefless; + Our jaw is one of our most drastic features, + And Art is long, though Life perforce be Briefless. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A REGULAR KNOUT AND KNOUTER!!!] + + * * * * * + +"'BEN' TROVATO."--Odd that the French author of such truly Parisian stories +as _Coeur d'Actrice_, _L'Amour pour Rire_, _Flirtage_, and others _du même +genre_, should be named "TILLET." There is a "du" before the French +author's name, and it is of course proverbial that even a certain person in +the Lower House shall have his "due." 'Tis just this, that, as far as name +goes, differentiates him from t'other TILLET, "which his Christian name is +BEN." + + * * * * * + +Further Fall in Irish Stocks. + +(_Vide Daily Papers, Feb. 24, 1893._) + + Though mongers of panic, with malice satanic, + The credit of Ireland be troublin', + Home Rule cannot shake her, nor severance break her, + So long as her _capital's D(o)ublin_.' + + * * * * * + +WEATHER FORECAST BY MRS. R.--"After this cold snowy weather," she observed, +oracularly, "we may expect what they call 'equally obnoxious gales.'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HISTORY CONTRADICTS ITSELF. + +THE MISSES ROUNDABOUT THINK TIGHT SKIRTS A PREPOSTEROUS AND EXTRAVAGANT +INVENTION, AND APPEAR AT MRS. WEASEL'S PARTY IN A SIMPLE AND ELEGANT +ATTIRE. [_Vide "Punch" for Nov. 21, 1857._] + + * * * * * + +PUTTING IT PLEASANTLY. + + [Mr. FOWLER announced the Government's willingness to appoint "a small + Commission" to consider how the City could be amalgamated with the + rest of London.] + + "Dilly, Dilly, come and be killed!" + Cried good _Mrs. Bond_ to the ducks, in the story. + Conceive with what rapture the victims were thrilled, + And then picture the joy of our Turtle friends, filled + With sweet premonitions of glory! + + No little testudinate triflers are these, + Unmindful of doom unforbodingly playing. + The cook's charming manners are likely to please, + But the flash of that knife Snapping Turtles might freeze, + 'Tis so strangely suggestive of--slaying. + + The civic Brer Terrapin certainly seems + Extremely content with its time-honoured station. + Our "young men" may dream highly optimist dreams, + But Turtledom feareth what Turtledom deems + The perils of--Unification! + + "No compulsion, of course, only, darlings, you must!" + That's their reading _au fond_ of the C. C. Cook's attitude. + "'Amalgamate' Us? Doosed cool, most unjust! + Your offer inspires us with dismal distrust, + Your 'Commission' won't move us to gratitude. + + "We love the traditions of Old London Town, + We Turtles. Pray leave us alone, and don't bother! + Amalgamate? Nay, on the notion we frown! + Like the lion and lamb we'll together lie down---- + When the one is safe inside the other!" + + Alack and alas! But the new _Mrs. Bond_ + Means mischief, we fear, with her kind "Dilly, Dilly!" + And well may the Turtles droop fins and despond. + When the snug isolation of which they're so fond, + They must part with at last, willy-nilly! + + * * * * * + +WAGES. + +(_A long way after Lord Tennyson._) + + ["Lord WOLMER ... pointed out that Mr. GLADSTONE'S majority of forty + would be wiped out if the 'paid mercenaries' of the Irish-American + factions were withdrawn, or were even unable to keep up a steady + attendance in the House of Commons."--_The Times._ + + "The proposed Bill to Provide for the Payment of Members of Parliament + ... is a bold attempt to transfer to the tax-payers of Great Britain + the burden of supporting at Westminster the Irish Nationalist + Members."--_Ibid._] + + Glory of Irishman, glory of orator, going it strong, + Paid by his countrymen's mites from across the Atlantic Sea-- + Glory of PAT, to spout, to struggle, right Ireland's old wrong! + Nay, but they aim not at glory, or Home Rule (swears WOLMER, swears + he): + Give 'em the glory of living on _us_ and our L. S. D.! + + The wages of swells are high; if high wage to a Minister's just. + Shall we have the heart low wages to hard-worked M.P.'s to deny? + _Mercenaries?_ What then are those toffs in high places of trust, + Who live on our golden largess? Will WOLMER inform us just why + We _may_ give wages to Wealth, and _not_ unto Poverty? + + * * * * * + +"Down Among the Dead Men." + +_Ebriosus loquitur_:-- + + Silly spook-hunters show a wish to learn + If (_hic!_) departed spiritsh e'er return! + _Did_ they, I should not have so dry a throttle, + Nor would it cost so mush to--passh the bottle! + Thersh no returning (_hic!_) of Spiritsh fled, + And (_hic!_) "dead men"--_worsh luck!_--continue dead! + + * * * * * + +WANTED BADLY.--A "close time" for Autograph-hunting. Alas! the great--and +even the not-so-very-great--are "made game of" all the year round. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUTTING IT PLEASANTLY! + +COUNTY COUNCIL COOK. "DILLY, DILLY, DILLY! COME AND BE--_AMALGAMATED_!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TRUSTY KNIGHT. + +_Tommy_ (_who has undertaken to escort his fair Cousin to see the Hounds +draw Covert_), "AND YOU KNOW YOU NEEDN'T MIND ALL THESE MEN. IT'S ALL +RIGHT, AS YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER FELLOW WITH YOU."] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S CHILD'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE. + +_Question._ What is a holiday? + +_Answer._ The hard work of that wearisome pursuit known as "pleasure." + +_Q._ To whom are holidays profitable? + +_A._ To the butchers, the pastry-cooks, and last, but certainly not least, +the doctors. + +_Q._ What are the ends of holidays? + +_A._ Pills and Bills. + +_Q._ What are pills? + +_A._ The means by which fortunes are made, and in another sense Clubs kept +select. + +_Q._ And Bills? + +_A._ Necessary evils laid on the table in the House of Commons, and thrown +into the waste-paper basket in the domestic circle. + +_Q._ What is Parliament? + +_A._ An assembly of men in which hats are worn when the Members don't want +to talk, and removed when they wish to show what amount of brains they may +possess. + +_Q._ What is a hat? + +_A._ Generally a nuisance. + +_Q._ What is cover? + +_A._ The profit made by an Outside Broker out of his too confiding +customers. + +_Q._ What is the difference between an Outside Broker and an Inside Broker? + +_A._ One is associated with the Stock Exchange, and the other is usually +made comfortable with a pot of beer and a penny paper in the kitchen. + +_Q._ What is a kitchen? + +_A._ The source from which happiness or misery flows under the +superintendence of a cook. + +_Q._ Describe a cook. + +_A._ As a food-preparer he, or she, is often an executioner. + +_Q._ What is a century? + +_A._ When obtained by a cricketer, an honour; when achieved by an +individual, a distinction that must be shortly followed by extinction. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--JOHN OLIVER HOBBES'S last contribution to FISHER +UNWIN'S charming Pseudonym Library is well named _A Study in Temptations_. +It is not in itself an attractive title, but it accurately indicates the +style of the book. It is a study for a novel rather than an accomplished +work. One expects, my Baronite says, that in some leisure time the author +will come back and finish it. It is well worth the labour, being full of +living characters. _Lady Warbeck_ in particular, is excellent, reminiscent +of, and worthy of THACKERAY. The temptingly arranged pages glitter with +shrewd thoughts admirably phrased. BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +NO DOUBT AS TO THE ANSWER.--In the list of "Noblemen and Gentlemen" +(invidious distinction, by the way) attending the _Levée_ at St. James's +Palace, whose name would be always found?--Why that of "JAMES O. FORBES, +_of Corse_." + + * * * * * + +NEW (NORWEGIAN) NONSENSE VERSE. + +(_After seeing Ibsen's Dramas._) + + There was a young female in Norway, + Who fancied herself in a poor way, + Because she felt that + Her sweet sex was squeezed flat, + As though caught in cold Destiny's doorway. + + This rebellious young woman of Norway + Cried, "Man, in his coarse, brutal boor-way, + Would wipe his big feet + On my sex soft and sweet; + But _I_'ll be no mere mat in Man's doorway!" + + And so this young woman of Norway + Got IBSEN to write, in cock-sure way, + Concerning her woes, + And tip-tilted her nose, + Crying, "_Now_ womankind will have more way!" + + But alas! this young woman of Norway + _Still_ feels that her soul's in a poor way, + Because, in a play, + She won't charm (so they say) + Or draw crowds through the theatre's doorway. + + * * * * * + +LATEST À PROPOS OF THE COVENT GARDEN FANCY DRESS BALLS.--"Of course," +observed Mrs. R., "as ladies do not want to be recognised, they simply go +in dummy noses." + + * * * * * + +LEGAL QUERY.--When a leading Barrister gets someone to "devil" for him, may +the latter's occupation be correctly described as "devilry"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IL Y EN A TOUJOURS UN QUI AIME--ET L'AUTRE QUI TEND LA +JOUE." + +_He._ "AH! YOU'D THINK A PRECIOUS LOT MORE OF ME, MATILDA, IF I WAS ONLY +SIX FEET HIGH!" + +_She._ "YES, DEAREST! BUT THEN YOU WOULDN'T THINK SUCH A PRECIOUS LOT OF +_ME_!"] + + * * * * * + +AN ORLEANS PLUM.--Prince HENRI D'ORLÉANS (says the _Times_) has just been +rebuking the British people for the Chauvinism of their Oriental policy. +Like the late M. MASSIE, whose shade he invokes, the young Prince seems to +object to us, not because we commit any specific acts of hostility, but +"because we look on in a most aggravating fashion." This is truly funny! +One country may steal a--Tonkin, but another may not look over a boundary! +Prince HENRY presents a peculiarly close parallel to KEENE'S infuriated +(and incoherent) Paterfamilias, who angrily commanded his silent son "not +to look at him in _that_ tone of voice!" + + * * * * * + +OPERA AND DISESTABLISHMENT.--_La Damnation de Faust_ was produced most +successfully at the Theatre at Monte Carlo. According to some stern +moralists, who regard the Principality as a gambling-hell upon earth, this +particular Opera was in a quite congenial atmosphere. Odd that in the two +Principalities, Monte Carlo and Wales, the objects for Disestablishment +should be so diametrically opposite. In Wales it is the particular Church, +and at Monte Carlo it is the not-at-all-particular t'other word, +unmentionable twice in the same paragraph to ears polite. + + * * * * * + +NEW READING.--(_By a Musical Lady Latinist._)--"Amor et melle et KELLIE est +fecundissimus." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 20._--New Chairman to-day; dropped in +in most casual way. Wondered to see MELLOR wandering about Library and +corridors at three o'clock in afternoon in full evening dress. "Going out +to tea?" I asked, in my genial way. + +"Order! order!" said MELLOR; "the Hon. Member will please give notice of +that question." And he stalked off, trying to convey to the mind of his +astonished interlocutor as near an approach to back view of COURTNEY as +could be attained, without loan of late Chairman's famous summer +pantaloons. + +Everything explained later. Soon as questions over, Mr. G., rising and +fixing glittering eye on SPEAKER, observed, "I beg to move that you, Sir, +do now leave the Chair." Strangers in Gallery pricked up their ears; +thought SPEAKER been doing something, and was now in for it. Right Hon. +Gentleman offered no defence, but meekly left Chair. Mr. G. up again like a +shot. "I beg to move that Mr. MELLOR do take the Chair," he said. Then +MELLOR (fortuitously on spot in evening dress) stepped into Chair, where +through six Sessions, COURTNEY has sat ruling the whirlwind out of order, +and riding on the storm. All done in moment. Before you knew where you +were, there was new Chairman of Committees proposing vote of £2,000 for +rearrangement of rooms in Houses of Parliament. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rose, with +evident intent of wanting to know "about these rooms," when irrepressible +Mr. G. on his feet again. "I beg to move," he said, addressing Chairman, +"that you do report progress, and ask leave to sit again." + +Rather hard this on MELLOR. Just got into Chair; beginning to feel +comfortable. Had proposed subject that might have agreeably occupied +Committee for half an hour, when here comes the untameable, irresistible, +peremptory Mr. G., and bundles him off. At first some signs of inclination +to resist. New Chairman, having put question and declared it carried, +should forthwith have stepped away from the table. MELLOR dropped into +Chair again. + +A moment of embarrassment. COURTNEY, looking critically on form below +Gangway, grimly smiled. Members under Gallery tittered. Clerk nudged new +Chairman in ribs. MELLOR sat on till, lifting his eyes, discovered Mr. G. +meaningly regarding him. Knew he'd be up again if he didn't go; so with +promising alacrity, hopped out of Chair, and disappeared from ken of House. + +"Well, I don't know," said honest BILL CREMER. "Of course I don't hold with +COURTNEY'S goings-on in the political field, and he can scarcely have +expected us to keep him on in a snug berth. But this I will say, the +manners of the new Chairman may, so to speak, be more MELLOR, but, as +Chairman of Committees, COURTNEY'll be hard to beat." + +_Business done._--"Ban, ban, Caliban, got a new Premier, get a new man"--in +Chairman of Committees. + +_Tuesday._--"The life of Her Majesty's Ministers," said the GRAND YOUNG +GARDNER, moodily contemplating his spats, "is not an entirely happy one. I +think I may add that is peculiarly the case with the MINISTER for +AGRICULTURE. I must say, if the language, be not regarded as too +flowery----" + +"The MINISTER for AGRICULTURE," I said, desiring to put GARDNER at his +ease, "would be fully justified in using cauliflowery language." + +"Thank you. Then I'll say I go to bed with tuberculosis, and get up with +HARRY CHAPLIN. The casual observer is, doubtless, aware that CHAPLIN has an +eye. He sees it gleaming through the eyeglass. I feel it ever upon me. It +is no slight thing to have succeeded a statesman of the calibre of CHAPLIN. +But when he persistently sits opposite you, critically observing all your +movements with that air of supreme intelligence which more than hints that, +as MINISTER for AGRICULTURE, he was personally acquainted with every one of +the cattle on a thousand hills, it is an ordeal that calls into play all +the higher faculties of Man. As to the tuberculosis, it is always breaking +out in unexpected places; people concerned insist upon regarding me as +personally responsible for the visitation." + +[Illustration: THE POLITICAL FANCY DRESS BALL AT COVENT GARDEN.] + +"But," I said, "you have your little holiday, Saturday to Monday, and get +out to dinner on off-nights?" + +"No," he sighed, "the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE has no off-nights; and if I +go to church at the seaside on a Sunday, the Church-warden in passing round +the collection-plate, is sure to steal into my hand a telegram, announcing +a fresh outbreak of tuberculosis. As to going out to dinner----" + +[Illustration: Harry'd H-rry Ch-pl-n, as he appeared when meditating on +Bimetallistic and Agricultural Distress.] + +"Ministers," CAUSTON here observed, "never dine out when the House is +sitting, unless commanded by the QUEEN, and Whips can't be spared even to +dine with HER MAJESTY." + +"As to going out to dinner," continued the GRAND YOUNG GARDNER, ignoring +the interruption of his genial colleague, "it is impossible. It was said, I +believe by one of themselves, 'The Guard dies, but never surrenders.' I may +add, the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE lunches but never dines. What would +become of the Government if a division-bell rang and he was found out of +the way? Now to-night, you would say, looking at the business, I might well +be spared. We commence with KIMBER on disparities in the representation of +constituencies. ROLLIT will follow in the interests of undersized +flat-fish. What has the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE to do with flat-fish of +whatever size? you might ask. To the casual observer, nothing. But, looking +ahead, as the responsibilities of my position make it necessary I should +habitually do, I recall the fact that sometimes the placid pilchard is cast +upon our shores in such quantities as to be carted away for manurial +purposes. I am not intimately acquainted with the pilchard. It is not like +the terrapin a land fish. I am not sure it is flat. Still I have a strong +impression it is undersized. Therefore it might come within the purview of +the discussion on ROLLIT'S motion. MUNDELLA, as you say, is in charge of +the debate, and I might comfortably go to dinner. But what does MUNDELLA +know of manure? No; the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE remains, and will +dine,--if necessary die, at his post." + +_Business done._--8:10 P.M., House Counted Out, whilst GRAND YOUNG GARDNER +is explaining how it was he couldn't go out to dinner. + +[Illustration: "THE WESTMINSTER PLAY." + +_Young Grandolphus_ (_in costume, with appropriate action_). "Hæc recinunt +Juvenes dictata senesque!"] + +_Friday_, 12:30 A.M.--Storm subsided. Magnificent whilst it lasted. +GRANDOLPH in fine form. Mr. G., under his influence, renewed his youth like +the eagle. At same time, though Welsh Church may be doomed, supply of cabs +on night like this inadequate. Better be put in yard in good time. KENYON +lingers on scene, still asking for Bill to be "taken _de die in diem_." "As +if he were giving a prescription," said WILFRID LAWSON, back from Mansion +House, where he has seen his portrait presented to Lady LAWSON. KENYON, +with eye on Bishop of ST. ASAPH, up in Peers' Gallery, made desperate +resistance to attack on Church. Bishop looked a little grave when KENYON +dropped into metaphor. + +[Illustration: A FEATURE OF THE DEBATE. + +_M-nd-lla._ À cause de mon nom suis-je "alien"? + +_J. L-wth-r_ (_heard but not seen_). Non, Monsieur! Mais vous _n'osez_ pas +dire le contraire.] + +"Bill like bagged fox, don't you know," said KENYON, nodding confidentially +to SPEAKER. "Meant to run any way you like. What I mean to say is--" and +here he turned for approval to Lord Bishop, consorting in Gallery with his +fighting Dean, "this fox is so tainted with insincerity, or aniseed, that +the hounds may just as well shut up their noses, and have nothing to do +with it." + +With this sage remark, and, something horribly like a wink at the Bishop, +KENYON sat down. Up again later, when Closure moved. HICKS-BEACH, in +temporary command of Opposition, deprecated resistance. But KENYON'S blood +up. With strong effort of self-restraint he stopped himself midway in +stentorian shout, "Yoicks!" dexterously turned the "Yo" into "No," and so +saved himself from reproof of SPEAKER. Having got the "No!" he made most of +it. Nothing left but to clear House for Division. Members near entreated +KENYON to desist from further opposition. No use fighting Closure; only +meant another Division and twenty minutes' prolongation of sitting. KENYON, +with eye reverently fixed on Bishop, immovable. Others might falter on the +way; might palter with the truth; might parlay with the enemy. KENYON would +have no compromise, no surrender. "Yoic----" he meant "No! no!" and he +shouted it too. + +"Will the Hon. Member name another teller?" said the wary SPEAKER, when +House cleared for Division. KENYON, evidently still seeing the fox steal +away, Aniseed at the Helm and Insincerity at the Prow, almost stumbled on +the name "YOICKS!" Again stopped himself just in time, and looked forlornly +round; eye finally resting on Peers' Gallery. If only the Bishop could +"tell" with him! That evidently out of order. Bishop belonged, to other +House. No one volunteering to stand with him in the breach, and two tellers +being a necessary preliminary to Division, KENYON bent his head in silent +grief, and leave given to bring in Bill which ASQUITH remorselessly +admitted was first step towards Disestablishment of Welsh Church. + +_Business done._--Welsh Church Suspensory Bill read First Time, by majority +of 56, in excited House of 546 Members. + +_Friday Night._--After the storm, the customary calm. Spent night in +discussing tempting themes of Local Taxation in London, and Superannuation +of School-teachers. On latter subject that _preux Chevalier_, TEMPLE, +laying down the lute, and leaving Amaryllis in the shade, delivered +luminous speech; convinced CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER; made him promise to +fork out. + +_Business done._--Much of useful kind. + + * * * * * + +"SUPPOSITIOUS."--"Well," observed our old friend, who was discussing a +recent case that had been headed "Romance in the Court of Chancery," "this +all comes from bringing up a child that they pretended was their own. I +mean what they call 'A Superstitious Child.'" + + * * * * * + +QUITE ANOTHER THING.--With reference to a recent burglary at Sir THOMAS +PIGOT'S, it is stated that "thieves were known to be in the neighbourhood, +and the police have the matter in hand." Wouldn't it be better if they had +the thieves there? + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, March 4, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: August 23, 2007 [EBook #22380] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +Transcriber's Note: The short pieces "Suppositious" and "Quite Another Thing" were moved from their original positions accompanying the illustration "The Political Fancy Dress Ball at Covent Gardent" on page 107 to the end of page 108, to prevent the "Essence of Parliament" article from being broken in the middle. + +<hr class="full" /> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOL. 104.</h2> + +<h2>March 4, 1893.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page97" id="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span> + + +<h2>A BALLAD OF WEALTHY WOOING.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah, why, my Love, receive me</p> +<p class="i2">With such tip-tilted scorn?</p> +<p>Self-love can scarce retrieve me</p> +<p class="i2">From obloquy forlorn;</p> +<p>'Twas not my fault, believe me,</p> +<p class="i2">That wealthy I was born.</p> +<p>Of Nature's gifts invidious</p> +<p class="i2">I'd choose I know not which;</p> +<p>One might as well be hideous</p> +<p class="i2">As shunn'd because he's rich.</p> +<p class="i4">O Love, if thou art bitter,</p> +<p class="i6">Then death must pleasant be;</p> +<p class="i4">I know not which is fitter,</p> +<p class="i6">Not I—(or is't "not me"?)</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>'Tis not that thou abhorrest,</p> +<p class="i2">Oh, maid of dainty mould!</p> +<p>The foison of the florist,</p> +<p class="i2">The goldsmith's craft of gold;</p> +<p>Nor less than others storest</p> +<p class="i2">Rare pelts by furriers sold;</p> +<p>But knowing I adore thee,</p> +<p class="i2">And deem all graces thine,</p> +<p>My choicest offerings bore</p> +<p class="i2">Just because they are mine.</p> +<p class="i4">Then, smile not, dear deceiver,</p> +<p class="i6">Keep no kind word for me,</p> +<p class="i4">Enough that the receiver</p> +<p class="i6">Is thou—(or is it "thee"?)</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>When others come, how trimly</p> +<p class="i2">Thou sett'st thy chatty sail!</p> +<p>For me alone all dimly</p> +<p class="i2">Seemeth the sun to fail.</p> +<p>Young <span class="sc">Frank</span> he frowneth grimly,</p> +<p class="i2">And thou turn'st haughty pale.</p> +<p>'Tis not the taint of "City,"</p> +<p class="i2">For here be scores who sport</p> +<p>Their Mayfair manners pretty</p> +<p class="i2">In Cop-the-Needle Court.</p> +<p class="i4">Ah, chill me not so coolly,</p> +<p class="i6">A Crœsus though I be—</p> +<p class="i4">The one who loveth truly</p> +<p class="i6">I swear is I—(or "me"?)</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>But what availeth grammar</p> +<p class="i2">As taught in straitest schools—</p> +<p>The hammer of the Crammer</p> +<p class="i2">Forging Bellona's tools—</p> +<p>Or words that humbly stammer</p> +<p class="i2">Regardless of the rules?</p> +<p>And what availeth fretting,</p> +<p class="i2">Deep sighs, and dwindling waist,</p> +<p>And what the sad forgetting</p> +<p class="i2">Of culinary taste,</p> +<p class="i4">Since still thou fondly spurnest</p> +<p class="i6">Five hundred thou. (or "thee."?)</p> +<p class="i4">And on young <span class="sc">Stoney</span> turnest</p> +<p class="i6">Love's eye—(or <i>is</i> it "me"?)</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Sad Conclusion</span>.—To be virtuous for +virtue's sake, without prospect of reward, +this is to be good for nothing!</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/097.png"><img width="100%" src="images/097.png" alt="" /></a><h3>BYE-ELECTION-OLOGY.</h3> + +<p><i>Gladys.</i> "<span class="sc">Listen, Sibyl. Papa has won a Great Moral Victory——What +does a Moral Victory mean exactly</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Sibyl</i> (<i>who has had more experience</i>). "<span class="sc">Oh, it means—well, that we are to be +the Victims of Political Economy, and not go to London, after all</span>!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>INDERWICKEDNESS.</h2> + +<p>"I do not wish to make a joke," Mr. +<span class="sc">Inderwick, Q.C.</span>, is reported to have observed +in the course of examining the plaintiff in a +divorce case, but, in spite of this pathetic +announcement, which passed without any +comment from the Judge, the ruling passion +was too strong for him, and he continued, +"but Artists' models are not always models +of virtue, are they?" Not new, not by any +means new, of course, but he had apologised +beforehand, and he couldn't help it; as the +weak heroine, who yields to strong temptation +in a French novel or play, usually +acknowledges "<i>C'était plus fort que moi</i>." +The inflammable materials being in close +contact, there was nothing to 'inder-wick +from catching fire when in proximity to a +spark of genius. Yet so powerfully had the +eminent Queen's Counsel's prefatial apology +affected the court and the audience, that +his saucy sally—(for there is life in the old +sally yet, whether in our alley or in this +Court)—was not followed by the usually +reported "laughter." How was it received? +Doubtless with decorous silence and downcast +eyes, expressive of sweet memories of +dear old jokes made long ago, in happier +and brighter times, "when all the world +was young."</p> + +<p>When a good old joke is again brought +into Court with or without apology, instead +of its being received with respectful silence, +we should like to read that it was greeted +with "tears" or "sobs." It would, indeed, +not be unbecoming on the part of the Judge +if, unable to control his emotion, he had +immediately arisen, and, in broken judicial +utterances, had adjourned the Court for the +day, out of respect to the memory (for old +jokes) of the Leader or Junior who had +apologetically perpetrated one. Should Mr. +<span class="sc">Inderwick</span> try this again, +the new effect, as above +suggested, may be obtained +to the satisfaction +of all parties, except, +maybe, those to the suit, +"whom," as one learned +brother might say with +another, and still profounder +apology, "such +a proceeding would not +<i>suit</i> at all."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>LINES ON A LIFE-BELT.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>After Waller's "On a +Girdle.</i>")</p> + +<blockquote><p>["According to the evidence +of the only two witnesses +who sailed with her, no +Life-belts were forthcoming, +when the Life-belts might +have given many of those on +board a last chance of life."—<i>The +"Times" on the Inquiry +into the Wreck of the +"Roumania."</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<p class="center"><i>Shipwrecked Passenger +loquitur</i>:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>That which would give me ease of mind,</p> +<p>And hope of life, I cannot find.</p> +<p>No monarch but would give his crown</p> +<p>For a Life-belt, when ships go down.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>It would relieve extremest fear,</p> +<p>That circlet light, that cork-lined sphere;</p> +<p>But in dark nooks below above,</p> +<p>The careless crew such trifles shove!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>A narrow compass, and yet there</p> +<p>Dwells safety, but for want of care.</p> +<p>Give me the Belt, which can't be found,</p> +<p>And I might live, who must be drowned!</p> +</div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p>A certain noble Lord +was supposed to have +somewhat disparaged +one of his horses on +sale by describing him as "a Whistler." +<span class="sc">James McNeill</span>, "of that ilk," was of +opinion that this description, supposing the +animal to have been "a genuine Whistler," +ought to have increased its value considerably.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Musical Coster Craze.</h2> + +<p><i>Customer.</i> Have you a copy of <span class="sc">Costa's</span> <i>Eli</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Shopman.</i> No, Sir; we have none of <span class="sc">Chevalier's</span> +songs.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Superlative</span>!—The appointment of Mr. +<span class="sc">Duff, M.P.</span>, to be Governor of New South +Wales is a "positive" good, seeing that they +might have appointed "a comparative Duffer."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page98" id="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span> + +<h2>LOVELY CHEESE! OR, A WELSH RARE-BIT.</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/098.png"><img width="100%" src="images/098.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Air</span>—<i>"Lovely Night." Dissenting Anti-Church Mice sing</i>:— +</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Lovely Cheese! Lovely Cheese!</p> +<p class="i2">To Church Mice thou art most dear,</p> +<p>But <i>do</i> please, but <i>do</i> please</p> +<p class="i2">Let <i>us</i> also share thy cheer:</p> +<p>For though our "freedom" gladsome seems,</p> +<p class="i2">Too oft it brings poor fare alone;</p> +<p>But aided by what haunts our dreams,</p> +<p class="i2">How many joys Church Mice have known!</p> +<p class="i4">Lovely Cheese! Lovely Cheese!</p> +<p class="i6">Long we've yearned to draw more near</p> +<p class="i4">To the ease, toothsome ease,</p> +<p class="i6">Of the dwellers in thy sphere!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Lovely cheese! Lovely cheese!</p> +<p class="i2">When a mouse thy cover nears,</p> +<p>Growling fit his heart to freeze,</p> +<p class="i2">Some keen-claw'd (Church) cat appears.</p> +<p>But now—that knife portends a boon;</p> +<p class="i2">Monopoly slice by slice 'twill slay.</p> +<p>We, too, may get—let it be soon!—</p> +<p class="i2">Our bit of cheese, some day, some day!</p> +<p class="i4">Lovely Cheese! Lovely Cheese!</p> +<p class="i6">When that cover's lifted clear,</p> +<p class="i4">With what ease, with what ease</p> +<p class="i6">We poor mice may share Church cheer!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>There was a feeling of uncertainty in the +House of Commons last Wednesday, as to what +should be taken to constitute "A Religious +Body." Not to go harking back to the Rev. +<span class="sc">Sydney Smith's</span> definition of "a Corporation"—which, +without speaking it profanely, +cannot be here quoted without offending eyes +polite,—one may say that "A Religious Body" +is a contradiction in terms. It is simply "A +Soul-less Thing."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"What's the name of that German Beer?" +asked Mrs. R., "I rather think it is Pil-sen-ner. +It sounds to me more like medicine."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page99" id="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span> + +<h2>THE MAN FROM BLANKLEYS.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">A Story in Scenes</span>.</p> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene XI.</span>—<i>The Drawing-room.</i> Mrs. <span class="sc">Gilwattle</span> <i>is still unable to +express her feelings by more than a contemptuous glare.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Uncle Gabriel.</i> My—ah—love, you didn't hear me. I was saying +I've almost prevailed on his Lordship——</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Gilwattle</i> (<i>becoming articulate</i>). His Lordship, indeed! If +<i>that's</i> a Lord, I don't wonder you're such a Radical!</p> + +<p><i>Uncle Gab.</i> Why—why—what's <i>come</i> to you, <span class="sc">Joanna</span>? My +Lord, I hope you'll excuse her—she's a little——</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Gil.</i> Fiddlesticks! You've been made a fool of, <span class="sc">Gabriel</span>! +Can't you see for yourself +that he's neither the manners +nor yet the appearance of a +<i>real</i> nobleman—or anything +but what he <i>is</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Uncle Gab.</i> (<i>dropping</i> Lord +S.'s <i>arm</i>). Eh? If you're not +a Lord, Sir, what else <i>are</i> you?</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> (<i>wavering +between wrath and amusement</i>). +Afraid I can't enlighten +you—I'm extremely +curious to know myself.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Tid.</i> (<i>distractedly</i>). Oh, +Aunt, it wasn't my fault, +really! <span class="sc">Montague</span> <i>would</i> +have him! And—and we <i>sent</i> +round to say he wouldn't be +required—we did indeed! +Please, <i>please</i> don't tell anybody!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Gil.</i> (<i>rigidly</i>). It is +my <i>duty</i> to let everyone here +know how disgracefully we +have been insulted to-night, +<span class="sc">Maria</span>, and might have gone +away in ignorance, but for +that innocent child—who has +done nothing, that <i>I</i> can see, +to deserve being shaken like +that! <i>I</i>'m not going to sit +by in silence and see a man +passed off as a Lord who is +nothing more nor less than one +of the assistants out of <span class="sc">Blankley's</span> +shop, hired to come and +fill a vacant seat! Yes, <span class="sc">Gabriel</span>, +if you doubt my word, +look at <span class="sc">Maria</span>—and <i>now</i> ask +that young man to dine!</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Profound sensation among +the company.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Uncle Gab.</i> I—ah—withdraw +the invitation, of course—it +is cancelled, Sir, cancelled!</p> + +<p><i>Feminine Murmur.</i> I had a +feeling, the moment he came +in, as if—so thankful now I +didn't commit myself by so +much as—ah, my dear, it all +comes from a desire to make a +show!—&c., &c.</p> + +<p><i>Uncle Gab.</i> It's the bare-faced +impudence of coming +here on false pretences, that +<i>I</i> can't get over. Come, Mr. <span class="sc">Shopwalker, Counterjumper</span>, or +whatever you really are, what have <i>you</i> got to say for yourself?</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> Say? Why——</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>He struggles to control his countenance for a moment, until he +is convulsed at last by irrepressible laughter.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>All</i> (<i>except the</i> <span class="sc">Tidmarshes</span>). He's laughing—positively <i>laughing</i> +at Us! The brazenness of it!</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> (<i>regaining composure</i>). I—I'm awfully sorry, but it +struck me suddenly as so——After all, the joke is only against +myself. (<i>To himself.</i>) Must try and get my unfortunate hostess +out of this fix—not that she deserves it! (<i>Aloud.</i>) If you will +kindly let me explain, I think I can——</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> (<i>suddenly</i>). Oh, hang explaining! It's all out now, and +you'd better leave it there!</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> I can't, indeed. I must make you all understand +that this well-meaning lady with the highly-developed sense of duty +has done our host and hostess a grave injustice, besides paying me a +compliment I don't deserve. I'm sorry to say I can't claim to be +half as useful a member of the community as any of the very obliging +and attentive gentlemen in Mr. <span class="sc">Blankley's</span> employment. If I'm +anything, I'm a—an Egyptologist, in an amateur sort of way, you +know. A—in fact, I'm writing a book on Ancient Egypt.</p> + +<p><i>The Others.</i> A <i>literary</i> man! As if <i>that</i> made it any better!</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> I merely mention it because it led me to write to +Mr. <span class="sc">Cartouche</span>—whom I happened to hear of as a famous +collector—and ask to be allowed to call and inspect his collection. +Mr. <span class="sc">Cartouche</span> (who lives, I believe, at No. 92, next door) very +kindly wrote, giving me leave, and inviting me to dine at the same +time, and—I know it was unpardonably careless of me—but somehow +I came here instead, and, Mr. and Mrs. <span class="sc">Tidmarsh</span> being both +too—er—hospitable to undeceive +me, I never found my +mistake out till too late to put +it right, without inconveniencing +everybody. That's +really all.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Uneasy reaction in the +company.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Uncle Gab.</i> (<i>pompously</i>). +Ha—hum—no doubt that +puts a somewhat different +complexion on the case, but +it doesn't explain your conduct +in calling yourself Lord +<span class="sc">Strathfoozleum</span>, or whatever +it was.</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> I think you +mean <span class="sc">Strathsporran</span>. I did +call myself that, because it +happens to be my name.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Tid.</i> (<i>passionately</i>). I +don't believe it.... I <i>can't</i>. +If it is, why did Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> +call you "Mr. <span class="sc">Claypole</span>"?</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> I beg your +pardon—<span class="sc">Claymore</span>. Because, +when we last met, I was +<span class="sc">Douglas Claymore</span>, with no +prospect whatever, as it +seemed then, of being anything +else.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Tid.</i> (<i>faintly</i>). Then +he really is—<i>Oh</i>!</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>She sinks on the couch, +crushed.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Uncle Gab.</i> Ha, well, my +Lord, I'm glad this little +misunderstanding is so satisfactorily +cleared up, and if I +may venture to hope for the +honour of your company,—shall +we say Friday wee——(Lord +S. <i>looks at him steadily.</i>) +Oh, if your Lordship has some +better engagement, well and +good. Makes no difference +to <i>me</i> I assure you. <span class="sc">Joanna</span>, +our carriage must be here by +now, say good-bye and have +done with it! Good-night, +<span class="sc">Maria</span>, I'll see you don't +expose me to <i>this</i> again!</p> + +<br /> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene XII.</span>—<i>The guests have +all taken leave with extremely +frosty farewells</i>; +Mr. <span class="sc">Tidmarsh</span> <i>is downstairs superintending their departure.</i> +<span class="sc">Gwennie</span> <i>has been pardoned on</i> Lord S.'s <i>intercession, and +dismissed, in much bewilderment, to bed.</i> Mrs. <span class="sc">Tidmarsh</span> <i>and</i> +Lord <span class="sc">Strathsporran</span> <i>are alone.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mrs. Tid.</i> (<i>hysterically</i>). Oh, Lord <span class="sc">Strathsporran</span>, when I think +how I——What can I <i>ever</i> say to you?</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> Only, I hope, that you forgive my stupidity in +blundering in here as I did, Mrs. <span class="sc">Tidmarsh</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Tid.</i> It <i>was</i> a good deal your fault. If you had only said +who you really were—if my husband had not been idiot enough to +misunderstand—if Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> had been more straightforward, all +this would never——!</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/099.png"><img width="100%" src="images/099.png" alt="" /></a><h3>"Sitting down heavily on a Settee."</h3></div> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> We were all the victims of circumstances, weren't +we? But I, at least, have no reason to regret it. And, if I may ask +one last indulgence, will you—a—let me have an opportunity of +saying good-bye to Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Tid.</i> She, she doesn't <i>deserve</i>—Oh, I don't know <i>what</i> I'm +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page100" id="page100"></a>[pg 100]</span>saying. Of <i>course</i>, Lord <span class="sc">Strathsporran</span>, anything, <i>anything</i> I can +do to——I will send her down to you, if you will only wait. She +shall not keep you long!</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> (<i>alone, to himself</i>). It's an ill wind, &c. I shall +have <span class="sc">Marjory</span> all to myself, now! To think that—but for a lucky +blunder—I should be spelling out scarabs and things on the wrong side +of that wall at this moment, and never dreaming that <span class="sc">Marjory</span> was +so——Ah, she's coming! (Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> <i>enters, looking pale and disconsolate.</i>) +<span class="sc">Marjory</span>, you've no idea what you've missed! I <i>must</i> +tell you—it's too good to lose. What <i>do</i> you think all these good +people have been taking me for? You'll never guess! They +actually believed I was hired from <span class="sc">Blankley's</span>! Give you my word +they did!... Why don't you <i>laugh</i>, <span class="sc">Marjory</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Seaton</i> (<i>faintly</i>). I—I <i>am</i> laughing. No, <span class="sc">Douglas</span>, I'm +not. I can't; I haven't the conscience to. Oh, I never meant you +to know—but I must tell you, whatever comes of it! <i>I</i> believed it +too, at first. (<i>Tragically.</i>) I <i>did</i>, <span class="sc">Douglas</span>!</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> <i>Did</i> you though, <span class="sc">Marjory</span>? Then, by Jove, I <i>must</i> +have looked the character!</p> + +<p><i>Miss Seaton</i> (<i>timidly</i>). I knew you—you weren't very well off, +<span class="sc">Douglas</span>, and so I fancied you might——Oh, I know it was hateful +of me ever to think such a thing, but I did. And you can never +<i>really</i> forgive me!</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> Couldn't think of it! Shall I tell you something +else, <span class="sc">Marjory</span>? I've a strong impression that you will not be an +inmate of this happy English household <i>much</i> longer.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Seaton.</i> I'm <i>sure</i> I shan't, from Mrs. <span class="sc">Tidmarsh's</span> expression +just now. But I don't care!</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> Don't be reckless. How do you know there isn't a +moral lion about? And where will you go next, <span class="sc">Marjory</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Seaton</i> (<i>with a shrug</i>). I don't know. I suppose to anybody +who wants a Governess, and doesn't mind taking her without a +reference, if there <i>is</i> such a person!</p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> Well, oddly enough, I fancy I know somebody who +has been trying for a long time to find a young person of just your +age and appearance, and might be induced to waive a reference on a +personal interview. (Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> <i>looks incredulous.</i>)... <span class="sc">Marjory</span>, +don't you understand? If I hadn't been such a pauper, I'd have +spoken long ago, when we were up in Scotland together, only it didn't +seem fair then. I—I daresay I've no better chance now; but, at +least, I've more right to speak than I had, and—and—will you have +me, <span class="sc">Marjory</span>? (<i>She turns away.</i>) I—I won't worry you, dear, if +you really can't care about me in that way; but—but if you only +<i>could</i>, <span class="sc">Marjory</span>, even a little!</p> + +<p><i>Miss Seaton.</i> <span class="sc">Douglas</span>!...</p> + +<blockquote><p><i>Same Scene—somewhat later.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> Not yet, <span class="sc">Marjory</span>—I can't let you go just yet!... +Must I, really? Before I've said half what I wanted!... Well—in +one minute, then. And you're coming to my people as soon as +you can get out of this, <span class="sc">Marjory</span>; and I shall see you every day, +till—till we shall never be separated any——Confound it!—who's +that? [Mr. <span class="sc">Tidmarsh</span> <i>enters suddenly.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> Oh—er—Lord <span class="sc">Strathsporran</span>, sorry to interrupt you, +but—hem—my wife, who's feeling too unwell to come down again, +desires me to say that, in her opinion, Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> has been here +quite long enough. [Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> <i>escapes by the back drawing-room.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> I entirely agree with Mrs. <span class="sc">Tidmarsh</span>; but I am +happy to say that Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> will not remain here very much longer, +as she has just done me the honour of consenting to be my wife. +Good night, Sir, and many thanks for a most er—eventful evening.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>He goes out.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> (<i>making an effort to escort him downstairs, but giving it +up, and sitting down heavily on a settee instead</i>). She'll be Lady +<span class="sc">Strathsporran</span>! And I shall have to break it to <span class="sc">Maria</span>—after she's +just gone in and stuck a month's salary and immediate notice on +her pincushion! Oh, lor—as if my poor wife hadn't trouble enough +to bear as it was!</p> + +<p class="center">THE END.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>HARE-ING HIS DIPLOMACY.</h2> + +<p>As I have already conveyed, in a short note last week, the first +night of the revival of <i>Diplomacy</i>, viz., Saturday, Feb. 18th, will +be for ever memorable in the annals of the English stage in general, +and in the reminiscences of Mr. <span class="sc">John Hare</span> in particular, whenever +he may choose to +give them to the +public, It will also +afford matter for a +brilliant chapter +in the second or +third series of Mr. +and Mrs. <span class="sc">Bancroft's</span> +<i>On and +Off the Stage</i>. +A great night, too, +for the eminent +adapters Messrs. +<span class="sc">Scott</span> and <span class="sc">Stephenson</span>, +once +known as "the +Brothers <span class="sc">Rowe</span>," +who rowed in the +same boat.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:55%;"><a href="images/100.png"><img width="100%" src="images/100.png" alt="" /></a><h3>"Three Men in a boat."</h3></div> + +<p>Never, at any +time, has this version +of the French +play been so well +cast as it is now at +Garrick Theatre, +though nervousness +told on +all the actors, +especially on the +elder ones, except, +apparently, Mrs. <span class="sc">Bancroft</span>, in whose performance there was hardly +any trace of it, though once she nearly missed her cue while resting +awhile at the back of the stage.</p> + +<p>The part of <i>Lady Henry Fairfax</i> has literally nothing whatever +to do with the plot, and were it not played as it is now, and played +so capitally by Mrs. <span class="sc">Bancroft</span>, it would be better, for an English +audience at least, if omitted entirely, or reduced to a few appropriate +lines in pleasant places. An English audience wants the +story, when once begun, to go on without any break or interruption; +and indeed, but for dramatic effect, an English audience is inclined +to resent even the division of a piece into Acts, unless such arrangement +is evidently necessitated by some heavy mechanical change of +scenery.</p> + +<p>So our audiences would decidedly prefer to have the <i>rôles</i> of <i>Lady +Henry</i> and <i>The Marquise de Rio Zarès</i> (with her wearisome iteration +about "Don <span class="sc">Alva</span>," and played with rather too much accentuation +by Lady <span class="sc">Monckton</span>) reduced to the smallest possible +algebraic expression. Mr. <span class="sc">Bancroft</span> was the same <i>Count Orloff</i> as +he was years ago on the little stage of the old Prince of Wales's +Theatre; his action more deliberate than when he was younger and +more impetuous; +his pauses for +meditation longer +by a thought or +so than of yore; +while in his tone +and manner there +was just a +delicately-deepened +colouring of the +genuine original +Bancroftian "Old +Master." To Mr. +<span class="sc">Bancroft</span>, resuscitating +our old +courtly friend +<i>Count Orloff</i> (now +<i>Count Orl-on-again</i>), +I would +address the once +well-known line +from "<i>Woodman, +spare that +Tree</i>"—</p> + +<p>"Touch not a single <i>bow</i>!"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Arthur Cecil</span>, +too, as <i>Baron +Stein</i>, excellent, +<i>cela va sans dire</i>; yet, somehow, his effects now seem to me to be +laid on with too broad a brush, especially in the scene of his last +appearance, where he makes a sly, and, for the <i>Baron Stein</i>, a rather +over-elaborated and farcical attempt to recapture the letter he has +just given up. <span class="sc">Forbes Robertson</span> is good from first to last as the +very weak-knee'd <i>Julian Beauelere</i>, sufficiently emotional in the +strong situations, and never better than when the character itself +is at its weakest; that is, in the one great scene with his wife.</p> + +<p>The <i>Algie Fairfax</i>, of Mr. <span class="sc">Gilbert Hare</span>, was natural +where the authors have allowed him to be natural, and best, +therefore, in the last Act, where he has become a responsible +personage in a diplomatic office. The "three-men-in-a-difficulty" +scene went as well as ever, though, on the whole, played far too +slowly, and with so much "suppressed force," that the celebrated +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page101" id="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span>"<i>Monsieur! à vos ordres!</i>" when <i>Orloff</i> suddenly breaks out into +"the language of diplomacy," did not electrify the house. On the +contrary, the audience took it very quietly, awaiting with some +curiosity the interference of <i>Henry Beauclerc</i>. And it was at this +point that the services of Mr. <span class="sc">John Hare</span> in this character were +invaluable. Never had his crisp incisive style produced more marked +effect. It is a pity that in the Third Act, which being the weak point +of the play requires all the strength of the actor to be seriously +employed, Mr. <span class="sc">Hare</span> should have given a very light comedy, nay, +even a farcical touch to his treatment of the "business" of sniffing +the perfume—when he is literally "on the scent"—and to the +momentous situation of his interview with <i>Zicka</i>. "<i>Maintenant à nos deux!</i>" Odd that, in his treatment of the strength of the scent, +<span class="sc">Sardou</span> should have shown the feebleness of his methods. Yet so it is. +The play, at this point, being practically played out, he carelessly +chucks the puppets into a +corner. He has made his +great scenes, and there's an +end of it; let the weakest +go to the wall.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:42%;"><a href="images/101a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/101a.png" alt="" /></a><h3><span class="sc">Duet</span>—<i>Baron Cecil Stein and Lady Henry Bancroft Fairfax</i> (<i>with original +model of Strasbourg Clock</i>)—"Here we are again!"</h3></div> + +<div class="figright" style="width:27%;"><a href="images/101b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/101b.png" alt="" /></a> +<h3><span class="sc">Scent Zicka</span>—from a (guilt)-stained-glass +Russian window.</h3></div> + +<p>Last of all to be mentioned +with unstinted praise is +Miss <span class="sc">Kate Rorke</span>. It is as +well to remember throughout +that we are witnessing +a play of semi-French, not +purely domestic English life, +and the essence of the play +could not be adapted to +ordinary English notions. +<i>Julian Beauclerc</i>, for example, +in England, would +never have challenged <i>Count +Orloff</i>; he might have had +"a deuce of a row with +him"; <i>et voilà tout</i>. <i>Dora</i>, +as a young Irish girl, and +not, as she is here, a half-breed, +would never have +threatened to suicide herself +out of the window, though +all else she, as a not particularly +well-educated, but +certainly very impulsive +girl, might probably have +done. Her great scene, +where she bangs her fists +against the looked doors, +shrieking to her husband to +return—an effect to be led +up to and made within the +space of a minute—was, if I +may be allowed to say so, +without being suspected of +exaggeration, "just perfect." +That some considerable +time will elapse before +the enthusiasm aroused by this revival dies out among the patrons +and lovers of the Drama-at-its-best is the private opinion, publicly +expressed, of Yours, truly, <span class="sc">"The One Man Seen" in a Box</span>.</p> + +<p>P.S.—When <i>Diplomacy</i> shall have accomplished its Hundred +Nights, Mr. <span class="sc">Hare</span> can announce its Scentenary.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A LAST STRAW.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By One who has to Make Bricks with It.</i>)</p> + +<blockquote><p>["... It is rumoured that a measure will +shortly be introduced for transferring the duties +of Revising Barristers to Magistrates."]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Go, tell the budding blooms they'll ne'er have dew more,</p> +<p class="i2">Go, doom the summer trees to languish leafless—</p> +<p>A like effect this ultra-fiendish rumour</p> +<p class="i2">Works in the drooping bosoms of the Briefless.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>No more Reviserships! No paltry pittance</p> +<p class="i2">For Themis' harvesters, too often sheafless!</p> +<p>Is this the Constitution, once Great Britain's;</p> +<p class="i2"><i>This</i>, your provision for the meekly Briefless?</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>As well proclaim to such as slave at Sessions,</p> +<p class="i2">A world unburglarised and wholly thiefless,</p> +<p>As rob the least rewarded of professions</p> +<p class="i2">Of its ancestral comfort for the Briefless.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>What's to become of us?—I speak for many,</p> +<p class="i2">Idle and "Unemployed," but oh! not griefless;</p> +<p>Please, please kind Government to spare a penny,</p> +<p class="i2">Or yet Trafalgar Square shall rouse the Briefless.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Yes! Don't imagine, uncomplaining creatures</p> +<p class="i2">Are quite disorganised and limp, and chiefless;</p> +<p>Our jaw is one of our most drastic features,</p> +<p class="i2">And Art is long, though Life perforce be Briefless.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/101c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/101c.png" alt="" /></a><h3>A REGULAR KNOUT AND KNOUTER!!!</h3></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">"'Ben' Trovato."</span>—Odd that the French +author of such truly Parisian stories as <i>Cœur +d'Actrice</i>, <i>L'Amour pour Rire</i>, <i>Flirtage</i>, +and others <i>du même genre</i>, should be named +"<span class="sc">Tillet</span>." There is a "du" before the French +author's name, and it is of course proverbial +that even a certain person in the Lower House +shall have his "due." 'Tis just this, that, +as far as name goes, differentiates him from +t'other <span class="sc">Tillet</span>, "which his Christian name is +<span class="sc">Ben</span>."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Further Fall in Irish Stocks.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Vide Daily Papers, Feb. 24, 1893.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Though mongers of panic, with malice satanic,</p> +<p class="i2">The credit of Ireland be troublin',</p> +<p>Home Rule cannot shake her, nor severance break her,</p> +<p class="i2">So long as her <i>capital's D(o)ublin</i>.'</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Weather Forecast by Mrs. R.</span>—"After +this cold snowy weather," she observed, +oracularly, "we may expect what they call +'equally obnoxious gales.'"</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page102" id="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/102.png"><img width="100%" src="images/102.png" alt="" /></a><h3>HISTORY CONTRADICTS ITSELF.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">The Misses Roundabout think Tight Skirts a preposterous and extravagant Invention, and appear at Mrs. Weasel's +Party in a Simple and Elegant Attire</span>. [<i>Vide "Punch" for Nov. 21, 1857.</i></p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>PUTTING IT PLEASANTLY.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>[Mr. <span class="sc">Fowler</span> announced the Government's willingness to appoint "a +small Commission" to consider how the City could be amalgamated with the +rest of London.]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Dilly, Dilly, come and be killed!"</p> +<p class="i2">Cried good <i>Mrs. Bond</i> to the ducks, in the story.</p> +<p>Conceive with what rapture the victims were thrilled,</p> +<p>And then picture the joy of our Turtle friends, filled</p> +<p class="i6">With sweet premonitions of glory!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>No little testudinate triflers are these,</p> +<p class="i2">Unmindful of doom unforbodingly playing.</p> +<p>The cook's charming manners are likely to please,</p> +<p>But the flash of that knife Snapping Turtles might freeze,</p> +<p class="i6">'Tis so strangely suggestive of—slaying.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The civic Brer Terrapin certainly seems</p> +<p class="i2">Extremely content with its time-honoured station.</p> +<p>Our "young men" may dream highly optimist dreams,</p> +<p>But Turtledom feareth what Turtledom deems</p> +<p class="i6">The perils of—Unification!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"No compulsion, of course, only, darlings, you must!"</p> +<p class="i2">That's their reading <i>au fond</i> of the C. C. Cook's attitude.</p> +<p>"'Amalgamate' Us? Doosed cool, most unjust!</p> +<p>Your offer inspires us with dismal distrust,</p> +<p class="i6">Your 'Commission' won't move us to gratitude.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"We love the traditions of Old London Town,</p> +<p class="i2">We Turtles. Pray leave us alone, and don't bother!</p> +<p>Amalgamate? Nay, on the notion we frown!</p> +<p>Like the lion and lamb we'll together lie down——</p> +<p class="i6">When the one is safe inside the other!"</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Alack and alas! But the new <i>Mrs. Bond</i></p> +<p class="i2">Means mischief, we fear, with her kind "Dilly, Dilly!"</p> +<p>And well may the Turtles droop fins and despond.</p> +<p>When the snug isolation of which they're so fond,</p> +<p class="i6">They must part with at last, willy-nilly!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>WAGES.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>A long way after Lord Tennyson.</i>)</p> + +<blockquote><p>["Lord <span class="sc">Wolmer</span> ... pointed out that Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone's</span> majority of +forty would be wiped out if the 'paid mercenaries' of the Irish-American +factions were withdrawn, or were even unable to keep up a steady attendance +in the House of Commons."—<i>The Times.</i></p> + +<p>"The proposed Bill to Provide for the Payment of Members of Parliament +... is a bold attempt to transfer to the tax-payers of Great Britain the +burden of supporting at Westminster the Irish Nationalist Members."—<i>Ibid.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Glory of Irishman, glory of orator, going it strong,</p> +<p class="i2">Paid by his countrymen's mites from across the Atlantic Sea—</p> +<p>Glory of <span class="sc">Pat</span>, to spout, to struggle, right Ireland's old wrong!</p> +<p class="i2">Nay, but they aim not at glory, or Home Rule (swears <span class="sc">Wolmer</span>, swears he):</p> +<p>Give 'em the glory of living on <i>us</i> and our L. S. D.!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The wages of swells are high; if high wage to a Minister's just.</p> +<p class="i2">Shall we have the heart low wages to hard-worked M.P.'s to deny?</p> +<p><i>Mercenaries?</i> What then are those toffs in high places of trust,</p> +<p class="i2">Who live on our golden largess? Will <span class="sc">Wolmer</span> inform us just why</p> +<p>We <i>may</i> give wages to Wealth, and <i>not</i> unto Poverty?</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"Down Among the Dead Men."</h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Ebriosus loquitur</i>:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Silly spook-hunters show a wish to learn</p> +<p>If (<i>hic!</i>) departed spiritsh e'er return!</p> +<p><i>Did</i> they, I should not have so dry a throttle,</p> +<p>Nor would it cost so mush to—passh the bottle!</p> +<p>Thersh no returning (<i>hic!</i>) of Spiritsh fled,</p> +<p>And (<i>hic!</i>) "dead men"—<i>worsh luck!</i>—continue dead!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Wanted Badly</span>.—A "close time" for Autograph-hunting. +Alas! the great—and even the not-so-very-great—are "made game +of" all the year round.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page103" id="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/103.png"><img width="100%" src="images/103.png" alt="" /></a><h3>PUTTING IT PLEASANTLY!</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">County Council Cook</span>. "DILLY, DILLY, DILLY! COME AND BE—<i>AMALGAMATED</i>!!"</p></div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page104" id="page104"></a>[pg 104]</span> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page105" id="page105"></a>[pg 105]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/105.png"><img width="100%" src="images/105.png" alt="" /></a><h3>A TRUSTY KNIGHT.</h3> + +<p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>who has undertaken to escort his fair Cousin to see the Hounds draw Covert</i>), "<span class="sc">And you know you needn't mind all these +Men. It's all right, as you've got another Fellow with you</span>."</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S CHILD'S GUIDE +TO KNOWLEDGE.</h2> + +<p><i>Question.</i> What is a holiday?</p> + +<p><i>Answer.</i> The hard work of that wearisome +pursuit known as "pleasure."</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> To whom are holidays profitable?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> To the butchers, the pastry-cooks, and +last, but certainly not least, the doctors.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What are the ends of holidays?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Pills and Bills.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What are pills?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> The means by which fortunes are made, +and in another sense Clubs kept select.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> And Bills?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Necessary evils laid on the table in the +House of Commons, and thrown into the +waste-paper basket in the domestic circle.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is Parliament?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> An assembly of men in which hats are +worn when the Members don't want to talk, +and removed when they wish to show what +amount of brains they may possess.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is a hat?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Generally a nuisance.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is cover?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> The profit made by an Outside Broker +out of his too confiding customers.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is the difference between an +Outside Broker and an Inside Broker?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> One is associated with the Stock Exchange, +and the other is usually made comfortable +with a pot of beer and a penny +paper in the kitchen.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is a kitchen?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> The source from which happiness or +misery flows under the superintendence of a +cook.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Describe a cook.</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> As a food-preparer he, or she, is often +an executioner.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What is a century?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> When obtained by a cricketer, an +honour; when achieved by an individual, a +distinction that must be shortly followed +by extinction.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Our Booking-Office.—John Oliver +Hobbes's</span> last contribution to <span class="sc">Fisher Unwin's</span> +charming Pseudonym Library is well named +<i>A Study in Temptations</i>. It is not in +itself an attractive title, but it accurately +indicates the style of the book. It is a study +for a novel rather than an accomplished work. +One expects, my Baronite says, that in some +leisure time the author will come back and +finish it. It is well worth the labour, being +full of living characters. <i>Lady Warbeck</i> +in particular, is excellent, reminiscent of, and +worthy of <span class="sc">Thackeray</span>. The temptingly +arranged pages glitter with shrewd thoughts +admirably phrased. <span class="sc">Baron de B.-W.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">No Doubt as to the Answer</span>.—In the +list of "Noblemen and Gentlemen" (invidious +distinction, by the way) attending the +<i>Levée</i> at St. James's Palace, whose name +would be always found?—Why that of +"<span class="sc">James O. Forbes</span>, <i>of Corse</i>."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>NEW (NORWEGIAN) NONSENSE VERSE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>After seeing Ibsen's Dramas.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There was a young female in Norway,</p> +<p>Who fancied herself in a poor way,</p> +<p class="i6">Because she felt that</p> +<p class="i6">Her sweet sex was squeezed flat,</p> +<p>As though caught in cold Destiny's doorway.</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>This rebellious young woman of Norway</p> +<p>Cried, "Man, in his coarse, brutal boor-way,</p> +<p class="i6">Would wipe his big feet</p> +<p class="i6">On my sex soft and sweet;</p> +<p>But <i>I</i>'ll be no mere mat in Man's doorway!"</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>And so this young woman of Norway</p> +<p>Got <span class="sc">Ibsen</span> to write, in cock-sure way,</p> +<p class="i6">Concerning her woes,</p> +<p class="i6">And tip-tilted her nose,</p> +<p>Crying, "<i>Now</i> womankind will have more way!"</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>But alas! this young woman of Norway</p> +<p><i>Still</i> feels that her soul's in a poor way,</p> +<p class="i6">Because, in a play,</p> +<p class="i6">She won't charm (so they say)</p> +<p>Or draw crowds through the theatre's doorway.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Latest à Propos of the Covent Garden +Fancy Dress Balls</span>.—"Of course," observed +Mrs. R., "as ladies do not want to be +recognised, they simply go in dummy noses."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Legal Query</span>.—When a leading Barrister +gets someone to "devil" for him, may the +latter's occupation be correctly described as +"devilry"?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page106" id="page106"></a>[pg 106]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:37%;"><a href="images/106.png"><img width="100%" src="images/106.png" alt="" /></a><h3>"IL Y EN A TOUJOURS UN QUI AIME—ET L'AUTRE +QUI TEND LA JOUE."</h3> + +<p><i>He.</i> "<span class="sc">Ah! you'd think a Precious lot more of me, Matilda, if I was +only Six Feet high</span>!"</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, Dearest! But then you wouldn't think such a Precious +Lot of <i>Me</i></span>!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">An Orleans Plum</span>.—Prince <span class="sc">Henri d'Orléans</span> (says the <i>Times</i>) has just been +rebuking the British people for the Chauvinism of their Oriental policy. Like +the late <span class="sc">M. Massie</span>, whose shade he invokes, the young Prince seems to object +to us, not because we commit any specific acts of hostility, but "because we +look on in a most aggravating fashion." This is truly funny! One country may +steal a—Tonkin, but another may not look over a boundary! Prince <span class="sc">Henry</span> +presents a peculiarly close parallel to <span class="sc">Keene's</span> infuriated (and incoherent) +Paterfamilias, who angrily commanded his silent son "not to look at him in <i>that</i> +tone of voice!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Opera and Disestablishment</span>.—<i>La Damnation de Faust</i> was produced most +successfully at the Theatre at Monte Carlo. According to some stern moralists, +who regard the Principality as a gambling-hell upon earth, this particular Opera +was in a quite congenial atmosphere. Odd that in the two Principalities, Monte +Carlo and Wales, the objects for Disestablishment should be so diametrically +opposite. In Wales it is the particular Church, and at Monte Carlo it is the not-at-all-particular +t'other word, unmentionable twice in the same paragraph to +ears polite.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">New Reading.</span>—(<i>By a Musical Lady Latinist.</i>)—"Amor et melle et <span class="sc">Kellie</span> +est fecundissimus."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p class="center">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February 20.</i>—New +Chairman to-day; dropped in in most casual way. +Wondered to see <span class="sc">Mellor</span> wandering about Library and +corridors at three o'clock in afternoon in full evening +dress. "Going out to tea?" I asked, in my genial +way.</p> + +<p>"Order! order!" said <span class="sc">Mellor</span>; "the Hon. Member +will please give notice of that question." And he +stalked off, trying to convey to the mind of his astonished +interlocutor as near an approach to back view +of <span class="sc">Courtney</span> as could be attained, without loan of late +Chairman's famous summer pantaloons.</p> + +<p>Everything explained later. Soon as questions over, +Mr. G., rising and fixing glittering eye on <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, +observed, "I beg to move that you, Sir, do now leave +the Chair." Strangers in Gallery pricked up their +ears; thought <span class="sc">Speaker</span> been doing something, and was +now in for it. Right Hon. Gentleman offered no +defence, but meekly left Chair. Mr. G. up again like +a shot. "I beg to move that Mr. <span class="sc">Mellor</span> do take +the Chair," he said. Then <span class="sc">Mellor</span> (fortuitously on +spot in evening dress) stepped into Chair, where through +six Sessions, <span class="sc">Courtney</span> has sat ruling the whirlwind out +of order, and riding on the storm. All done in moment. +Before you knew where you were, there was new +Chairman of Committees proposing vote of £2,000 for +rearrangement of rooms in Houses of Parliament. +<span class="sc">Alpheus Cleophas</span> rose, with evident intent of +wanting to know "about these rooms," when irrepressible +Mr. G. on his feet again. "I beg to move," he +said, addressing Chairman, "that you do report progress, +and ask leave to sit again."</p> + +<p>Rather hard this on <span class="sc">Mellor</span>. Just got into Chair; +beginning to feel comfortable. Had proposed subject +that might have agreeably occupied Committee for half +an hour, when here comes the untameable, irresistible, +peremptory Mr. G., and bundles him off. At first some +signs of inclination to resist. New Chairman, having +put question and declared it carried, should forthwith +have stepped away from the table. <span class="sc">Mellor</span> dropped +into Chair again.</p> + +<p>A moment of embarrassment. <span class="sc">Courtney</span>, looking +critically on form below Gangway, grimly smiled. +Members under Gallery tittered. Clerk nudged new +Chairman in ribs. <span class="sc">Mellor</span> sat on till, lifting his eyes, +discovered Mr. G. meaningly regarding him. Knew +he'd be up again if he didn't go; so with promising +alacrity, hopped out of Chair, and disappeared from +ken of House.</p> + +<p>"Well, I don't know," said honest <span class="sc">Bill Cremer</span>. +"Of course I don't hold with <span class="sc">Courtney's</span> goings-on +in the political field, and he can scarcely have expected +us to keep him on in a snug berth. But this I will say, +the manners of the new Chairman may, so to speak, +be more <span class="sc">Mellor</span>, but, as Chairman of Committees, +<span class="sc">Courtney</span>'ll be hard to beat."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—"Ban, ban, Caliban, got a new +Premier, get a new man"—in Chairman of Committees.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—"The life of Her Majesty's Ministers," +said the <span class="sc">Grand Young Gardner</span>, moodily contemplating +his spats, "is not an entirely happy one. I +think I may add that is peculiarly the case with the +<span class="sc">Minister</span> for <span class="sc">Agriculture</span>. I must say, if the +language, be not regarded as too flowery——"</p> + +<p>"The <span class="sc">Minister</span> for <span class="sc">Agriculture</span>," I said, desiring +to put <span class="sc">Gardner</span> at his ease, "would be fully +justified in using cauliflowery language."</p> + +<p>"Thank you. Then I'll say I go to bed with +tuberculosis, and get up with <span class="sc">Harry Chaplin</span>. The +casual observer is, doubtless, aware that <span class="sc">Chaplin</span> has +an eye. He sees it gleaming through the eyeglass. +I feel it ever upon me. It is no slight thing to have +succeeded a statesman of the calibre of <span class="sc">Chaplin</span>. But +when he persistently sits opposite you, critically observing +all your movements with that air of supreme +intelligence which more than hints that, as <span class="sc">Minister</span> +for <span class="sc">Agriculture</span>, he was personally acquainted with +every one of the cattle on a thousand hills, it is an ordeal +that calls into play all the higher faculties of Man. As +to the tuberculosis, it is always breaking out in unexpected +places; people concerned insist upon regarding +me as personally responsible for the visitation."</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" id="page107"></a>[pg 107]</span><div class="figright" style="width:55%;"><a href="images/107.png"><img width="100%" src="images/107.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE POLITICAL FANCY DRESS BALL AT COVENT GARDEN.</h3></div> + +<p>"But," I said, "you have your little holiday, Saturday to +Monday, and get out to dinner on off-nights?"</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page108" id="page108"></a>[pg 108]</span><p>"No," he sighed, "the <span class="sc">Minister</span> for <span class="sc">Agriculture</span> has no off-nights; +and if I go to church at the seaside on a Sunday, the Church-warden +in passing round the collection-plate, +is sure to steal into my hand a +telegram, announcing a fresh outbreak +of tuberculosis. As to going out to +dinner——"</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/108a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/108a.png" alt="" /></a><h3>Harry'd H-rry Ch-pl-n, as he appeared when +meditating on Bimetallistic and Agricultural +Distress.</h3></div> + +<p>"Ministers," <span class="sc">Causton</span> here observed, +"never dine out when the House is sitting, +unless commanded by the <span class="sc">Queen</span>, +and Whips can't be spared even to dine +with <span class="sc">Her Majesty</span>."</p> + +<p>"As to going out to +dinner," continued the +<span class="sc">Grand Young Gardner</span>, +ignoring the interruption +of his genial +colleague, "it is impossible. +It was said, +I believe by one of +themselves, 'The +Guard dies, but never +surrenders.' I may +add, the <span class="sc">Minister</span> for +<span class="sc">Agriculture</span> lunches +but never dines. What +would become of the +Government if a division-bell +rang and he +was found out of the +way? Now to-night, +you would say, looking +at the business, I +might well be spared. We commence with <span class="sc">Kimber</span> on disparities +in the representation of constituencies. <span class="sc">Rollit</span> will follow in the +interests of undersized flat-fish. What has the <span class="sc">Minister</span> for <span class="sc">Agriculture</span> +to do with flat-fish of whatever size? you might ask. To +the casual observer, nothing. +But, looking ahead, as the +responsibilities of my position +make it necessary I +should habitually do, I recall +the fact that sometimes +the placid pilchard is cast +upon our shores in such +quantities as to be carted +away for manurial purposes. +I am not intimately acquainted +with the pilchard. +It is not like the terrapin a +land fish. I am not sure it +is flat. Still I have a strong +impression it is undersized. +Therefore it might come +within the purview of the +discussion on <span class="sc">Rollit's</span> motion. +<span class="sc">Mundella</span>, as you +say, is in charge of the debate, +and I might comfortably +go to dinner. But what +does <span class="sc">Mundella</span> know of +manure? No; the <span class="sc">Minister</span> +for <span class="sc">Agriculture</span> remains, +and will dine,—if necessary +die, at his post."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—8:10 <span class="sc">P.M.</span>, +House Counted Out, whilst +<span class="sc">Grand Young Gardner</span> is +explaining how it was he +couldn't go out to dinner.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/108b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/108b.png" alt="" /></a><h3>"THE WESTMINSTER PLAY."</h3> + +<p><i>Young Grandolphus</i> (<i>in costume, with appropriate action</i>). "Hæc recinunt Juvenes +dictata senesque!"</p></div> + +<p><i>Friday</i>, 12:30 <span class="sc">A.M.</span>—Storm +subsided. Magnificent whilst +it lasted. <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> in fine +form. Mr. G., under his +influence, renewed his youth +like the eagle. At same +time, though Welsh Church +may be doomed, supply of +cabs on night like this inadequate. +Better be put in yard in good time. <span class="sc">Kenyon</span> lingers on scene, +still asking for Bill to be "taken <i>de die in diem</i>." "As if he were +giving a prescription," said <span class="sc">Wilfrid Lawson</span>, back from Mansion +House, where he has seen his portrait presented to Lady <span class="sc">Lawson</span>. +<span class="sc">Kenyon</span>, with eye on Bishop of <span class="sc">St. Asaph</span>, up in Peers' Gallery, +made desperate resistance to attack on Church. Bishop looked a +little grave when <span class="sc">Kenyon</span> dropped into metaphor.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:25%;"><a href="images/108c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/108c.png" alt="" /></a><h3><span class="sc">A Feature of the Debate</span>.</h3> + +<p><i>M-nd-lla.</i> À cause de mon nom +suis-je "alien"?</p> + +<p><i>J. L-wth-r</i> (<i>heard but not seen</i>). +Non, Monsieur! Mais vous <i>n'osez</i> +pas dire le contraire.</p></div> + +<p>"Bill like bagged fox, don't you know," said <span class="sc">Kenyon</span>, nodding +confidentially to <span class="sc">Speaker</span>. "Meant to run any way you like. +What I mean to say is—" and +here he turned for approval to +Lord Bishop, consorting in Gallery +with his fighting Dean, "this +fox is so tainted with insincerity, +or aniseed, that the hounds may +just as well shut up their noses, +and have nothing to do with it."</p> + +<p>With this sage remark, and, +something horribly like a wink at +the Bishop, <span class="sc">Kenyon</span> sat down. +Up again later, when Closure +moved. <span class="sc">Hicks-Beach</span>, in temporary +command of Opposition, +deprecated resistance. But <span class="sc">Kenyon's</span> +blood up. With strong +effort of self-restraint he stopped +himself midway in stentorian +shout, "Yoicks!" dexterously +turned the "Yo" into "No," and +so saved himself from reproof of +<span class="sc">Speaker</span>. Having got the "No!" +he made most of it. Nothing left +but to clear House for Division. +Members near entreated <span class="sc">Kenyon</span> +to desist from further opposition. +No use fighting Closure; only +meant another Division and twenty +minutes' prolongation of sitting. +<span class="sc">Kenyon</span>, with eye reverently fixed +on Bishop, immovable. Others +might falter on the way; might +palter with the truth; might +parlay with the enemy. <span class="sc">Kenyon</span> +would have no compromise, no surrender. "Yoic——" he meant +"No! no!" and he shouted +it too.</p> + +<p>"Will the Hon. Member +name another teller?" said +the wary <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, when +House cleared for Division. +<span class="sc">Kenyon</span>, evidently still +seeing the fox steal away, +Aniseed at the Helm and +Insincerity at the Prow, +almost stumbled on the name +"<span class="sc">Yoicks!</span>" Again stopped +himself just in time, and +looked forlornly round; eye +finally resting on Peers' Gallery. +If only the Bishop +could "tell" with him! +That evidently out of order. +Bishop belonged, to other +House. No one volunteering +to stand with him in the +breach, and two tellers being +a necessary preliminary to +Division, <span class="sc">Kenyon</span> bent his +head in silent grief, and +leave given to bring in Bill +which <span class="sc">Asquith</span> remorselessly +admitted was first step +towards Disestablishment of +Welsh Church.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Welsh +Church Suspensory Bill read +First Time, by majority of +56, in excited House of 546 +Members.</p> + +<p><i>Friday Night.</i>—After the +storm, the customary calm. +Spent night in discussing +tempting themes of Local +Taxation in London, and +Superannuation of School-teachers. +On latter subject +that <i>preux Chevalier</i>, <span class="sc">Temple</span>, laying down the lute, and leaving +Amaryllis in the shade, delivered luminous speech; convinced +<span class="sc">Chancellor</span> of the <span class="sc">Exchequer</span>; made him promise to fork +out.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Much of useful kind.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Suppositious</span>."—"Well," observed our old friend, who was discussing a recent +case that had been headed "Romance in the Court of Chancery," "this all comes from +bringing up a child that they pretended was their own. I mean what they call 'A +Superstitious Child.'"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Quite Another Thing</span>.—With reference to a recent burglary at Sir <span class="sc">Thomas +Pigot's</span>, it is stated that "thieves were known to be in the neighbourhood, and the +police have the matter in hand." Wouldn't it be better if they had the thieves +there?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><font size="+1">☞</font>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will +in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule +there will be no exception.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +104, March 4, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 22380-h.htm or 22380-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/3/8/22380/ + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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b/22380-page-images/p108c-image.png diff --git a/22380.txt b/22380.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3e762fb --- /dev/null +++ b/22380.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1503 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, +March 4, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, March 4, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: August 23, 2007 [EBook #22380] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +Transcriber's Note: The short pieces "Suppositious" and "Quite Another +Thing" were moved from their original positions accompanying the +illustration "The Political Fancy Dress Ball at Covent Gardent" to the end, +to prevent the "Essence of Parliament" article from being broken in the +middle. + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 104. + + + + +March 4, 1893. + + + + +A BALLAD OF WEALTHY WOOING. + + Ah, why, my Love, receive me + With such tip-tilted scorn? + Self-love can scarce retrieve me + From obloquy forlorn; + 'Twas not my fault, believe me, + That wealthy I was born. + Of Nature's gifts invidious + I'd choose I know not which; + One might as well be hideous + As shunn'd because he's rich. + O Love, if thou art bitter, + Then death must pleasant be; + I know not which is fitter, + Not I--(or is't "not me"?) + + 'Tis not that thou abhorrest, + Oh, maid of dainty mould! + The foison of the florist, + The goldsmith's craft of gold; + Nor less than others storest + Rare pelts by furriers sold; + But knowing I adore thee, + And deem all graces thine, + My choicest offerings bore + Just because they are mine. + Then, smile not, dear deceiver, + Keep no kind word for me, + Enough that the receiver + Is thou--(or is it "thee"?) + + When others come, how trimly + Thou sett'st thy chatty sail! + For me alone all dimly + Seemeth the sun to fail. + Young FRANK he frowneth grimly, + And thou turn'st haughty pale. + 'Tis not the taint of "City," + For here be scores who sport + Their Mayfair manners pretty + In Cop-the-Needle Court. + Ah, chill me not so coolly, + A Croesus though I be-- + The one who loveth truly + I swear is I--(or "me"?) + + But what availeth grammar + As taught in straitest schools-- + The hammer of the Crammer + Forging Bellona's tools-- + Or words that humbly stammer + Regardless of the rules? + And what availeth fretting, + Deep sighs, and dwindling waist, + And what the sad forgetting + Of culinary taste, + Since still thou fondly spurnest + Five hundred thou. (or "thee."?) + And on young STONEY turnest + Love's eye--(or _is_ it "me"?) + + * * * * * + +SAD CONCLUSION.--To be virtuous for virtue's sake, without prospect of +reward, this is to be good for nothing! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BYE-ELECTION-OLOGY. + +_Gladys._ "LISTEN, SIBYL. PAPA HAS WON A GREAT MORAL VICTORY----WHAT DOES A +MORAL VICTORY MEAN EXACTLY?" + +_Sibyl_ (_who has had more experience_). "OH, IT MEANS--WELL, THAT WE ARE +TO BE THE VICTIMS OF POLITICAL ECONOMY, AND NOT GO TO LONDON, AFTER ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +INDERWICKEDNESS. + +"I do not wish to make a joke," Mr. INDERWICK, Q.C., is reported to have +observed in the course of examining the plaintiff in a divorce case, but, +in spite of this pathetic announcement, which passed without any comment +from the Judge, the ruling passion was too strong for him, and he +continued, "but Artists' models are not always models of virtue, are they?" +Not new, not by any means new, of course, but he had apologised beforehand, +and he couldn't help it; as the weak heroine, who yields to strong +temptation in a French novel or play, usually acknowledges "_C'etait plus +fort que moi_." The inflammable materials being in close contact, there was +nothing to 'inder-wick from catching fire when in proximity to a spark of +genius. Yet so powerfully had the eminent Queen's Counsel's prefatial +apology affected the court and the audience, that his saucy sally--(for +there is life in the old sally yet, whether in our alley or in this +Court)--was not followed by the usually reported "laughter." How was it +received? Doubtless with decorous silence and downcast eyes, expressive of +sweet memories of dear old jokes made long ago, in happier and brighter +times, "when all the world was young." + +When a good old joke is again brought into Court with or without apology, +instead of its being received with respectful silence, we should like to +read that it was greeted with "tears" or "sobs." It would, indeed, not be +unbecoming on the part of the Judge if, unable to control his emotion, he +had immediately arisen, and, in broken judicial utterances, had adjourned +the Court for the day, out of respect to the memory (for old jokes) of the +Leader or Junior who had apologetically perpetrated one. Should Mr. +INDERWICK try this again, the new effect, as above suggested, may be +obtained to the satisfaction of all parties, except, maybe, those to the +suit, "whom," as one learned brother might say with another, and still +profounder apology, "such a proceeding would not _suit_ at all." + + * * * * * + +LINES ON A LIFE-BELT. + +(_After Waller's "On a Girdle._") + + ["According to the evidence of the only two witnesses who sailed with + her, no Life-belts were forthcoming, when the Life-belts might have + given many of those on board a last chance of life."--_The "Times" on + the Inquiry into the Wreck of the "Roumania."_] + +_Shipwrecked Passenger loquitur_:-- + + That which would give me ease of mind, + And hope of life, I cannot find. + No monarch but would give his crown + For a Life-belt, when ships go down. + + It would relieve extremest fear, + That circlet light, that cork-lined sphere; + But in dark nooks below above, + The careless crew such trifles shove! + + A narrow compass, and yet there + Dwells safety, but for want of care. + Give me the Belt, which can't be found, + And I might live, who must be drowned! + + * * * * * + +A certain noble Lord was supposed to have somewhat disparaged one of his +horses on sale by describing him as "a Whistler." JAMES MCNEILL, "of that +ilk," was of opinion that this description, supposing the animal to have +been "a genuine Whistler," ought to have increased its value considerably. + + * * * * * + +The Musical Coster Craze. + +_Customer._ Have you a copy of COSTA'S _Eli_? + +_Shopman._ No, Sir; we have none of CHEVALIER'S songs. + + * * * * * + +SUPERLATIVE!--The appointment of Mr. DUFF, M.P., to be Governor of New +South Wales is a "positive" good, seeing that they might have appointed "a +comparative Duffer." + + * * * * * + +LOVELY CHEESE! OR, A WELSH RARE-BIT. + +[Illustration] + +AIR--_"Lovely Night." Dissenting Anti-Church Mice sing_:-- + + Lovely Cheese! Lovely Cheese! + To Church Mice thou art most dear, + But _do_ please, but _do_ please + Let _us_ also share thy cheer: + For though our "freedom" gladsome seems, + Too oft it brings poor fare alone; + But aided by what haunts our dreams, + How many joys Church Mice have known! + Lovely Cheese! Lovely Cheese! + Long we've yearned to draw more near + To the ease, toothsome ease, + Of the dwellers in thy sphere! + + Lovely cheese! Lovely cheese! + When a mouse thy cover nears, + Growling fit his heart to freeze, + Some keen-claw'd (Church) cat appears. + But now--that knife portends a boon; + Monopoly slice by slice 'twill slay. + We, too, may get--let it be soon!-- + Our bit of cheese, some day, some day! + Lovely Cheese! Lovely Cheese! + When that cover's lifted clear, + With what ease, with what ease + We poor mice may share Church cheer! + + * * * * * + +There was a feeling of uncertainty in the House of Commons last Wednesday, +as to what should be taken to constitute "A Religious Body." Not to go +harking back to the Rev. SYDNEY SMITH'S definition of "a +Corporation"--which, without speaking it profanely, cannot be here quoted +without offending eyes polite,--one may say that "A Religious Body" is a +contradiction in terms. It is simply "A Soul-less Thing." + + * * * * * + +"What's the name of that German Beer?" asked Mrs. R., "I rather think it is +Pil-sen-ner. It sounds to me more like medicine." + + * * * * * + +THE MAN FROM BLANKLEYS. + +A STORY IN SCENES. + + SCENE XI.--_The Drawing-room._ Mrs. GILWATTLE _is still unable to + express her feelings by more than a contemptuous glare._ + +_Uncle Gabriel._ My--ah--love, you didn't hear me. I was saying I've almost +prevailed on his Lordship---- + +_Mrs. Gilwattle_ (_becoming articulate_). His Lordship, indeed! If _that's_ +a Lord, I don't wonder you're such a Radical! + +_Uncle Gab._ Why--why--what's _come_ to you, JOANNA? My Lord, I hope you'll +excuse her--she's a little---- + +_Mrs. Gil._ Fiddlesticks! You've been made a fool of, GABRIEL! Can't you +see for yourself that he's neither the manners nor yet the appearance of a +_real_ nobleman--or anything but what he _is_? + +_Uncle Gab._ (_dropping_ Lord S.'s _arm_). Eh? If you're not a Lord, Sir, +what else _are_ you? + +_Lord Strath._ (_wavering between wrath and amusement_). Afraid I can't +enlighten you--I'm extremely curious to know myself. + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_distractedly_). Oh, Aunt, it wasn't my fault, really! +MONTAGUE _would_ have him! And--and we _sent_ round to say he wouldn't be +required--we did indeed! Please, _please_ don't tell anybody! + +_Mrs. Gil._ (_rigidly_). It is my _duty_ to let everyone here know how +disgracefully we have been insulted to-night, MARIA, and might have gone +away in ignorance, but for that innocent child--who has done nothing, that +_I_ can see, to deserve being shaken like that! _I_'m not going to sit by +in silence and see a man passed off as a Lord who is nothing more nor less +than one of the assistants out of BLANKLEY'S shop, hired to come and fill a +vacant seat! Yes, GABRIEL, if you doubt my word, look at MARIA--and _now_ +ask that young man to dine! + + [_Profound sensation among the company._ + +_Uncle Gab._ I--ah--withdraw the invitation, of course--it is cancelled, +Sir, cancelled! + +_Feminine Murmur._ I had a feeling, the moment he came in, as if--so +thankful now I didn't commit myself by so much as--ah, my dear, it all +comes from a desire to make a show!--&c., &c. + +_Uncle Gab._ It's the bare-faced impudence of coming here on false +pretences, that _I_ can't get over. Come, Mr. SHOPWALKER, COUNTERJUMPER, or +whatever you really are, what have _you_ got to say for yourself? + +_Lord Strath._ Say? Why---- + + [_He struggles to control his countenance for a moment, until he is + convulsed at last by irrepressible laughter._ + +_All_ (_except the_ TIDMARSHES). He's laughing--positively _laughing_ at +Us! The brazenness of it! + +_Lord Strath._ (_regaining composure_). I--I'm awfully sorry, but it struck +me suddenly as so----After all, the joke is only against myself. (_To +himself._) Must try and get my unfortunate hostess out of this fix--not +that she deserves it! (_Aloud._) If you will kindly let me explain, I think +I can---- + +_Mr. Tid._ (_suddenly_). Oh, hang explaining! It's all out now, and you'd +better leave it there! + +_Lord Strath._ I can't, indeed. I must make you all understand that this +well-meaning lady with the highly-developed sense of duty has done our host +and hostess a grave injustice, besides paying me a compliment I don't +deserve. I'm sorry to say I can't claim to be half as useful a member of +the community as any of the very obliging and attentive gentlemen in Mr. +BLANKLEY'S employment. If I'm anything, I'm a--an Egyptologist, in an +amateur sort of way, you know. A--in fact, I'm writing a book on Ancient +Egypt. + +_The Others._ A _literary_ man! As if _that_ made it any better! + +_Lord Strath._ I merely mention it because it led me to write to Mr. +CARTOUCHE--whom I happened to hear of as a famous collector--and ask to be +allowed to call and inspect his collection. Mr. CARTOUCHE (who lives, I +believe, at No. 92, next door) very kindly wrote, giving me leave, and +inviting me to dine at the same time, and--I know it was unpardonably +careless of me--but somehow I came here instead, and, Mr. and Mrs. TIDMARSH +being both too--er--hospitable to undeceive me, I never found my mistake +out till too late to put it right, without inconveniencing everybody. +That's really all. + + [_Uneasy reaction in the company._ + +_Uncle Gab._ (_pompously_). Ha--hum--no doubt that puts a somewhat +different complexion on the case, but it doesn't explain your conduct in +calling yourself Lord STRATHFOOZLEUM, or whatever it was. + +_Lord Strath._ I think you mean STRATHSPORRAN. I did call myself that, +because it happens to be my name. + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_passionately_). I don't believe it.... I _can't_. If it is, +why did Miss SEATON call you "Mr. CLAYPOLE"? + +_Lord Strath._ I beg your pardon--CLAYMORE. Because, when we last met, I +was DOUGLAS CLAYMORE, with no prospect whatever, as it seemed then, of +being anything else. + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_faintly_). Then he really is--_Oh_! + + [_She sinks on the couch, crushed._ + +_Uncle Gab._ Ha, well, my Lord, I'm glad this little misunderstanding is so +satisfactorily cleared up, and if I may venture to hope for the honour of +your company,--shall we say Friday wee----(Lord S. _looks at him +steadily._) Oh, if your Lordship has some better engagement, well and good. +Makes no difference to _me_ I assure you. JOANNA, our carriage must be here +by now, say good-bye and have done with it! Good-night, MARIA, I'll see you +don't expose me to _this_ again! + + + SCENE XII.--_The guests have all taken leave with extremely frosty + farewells_; Mr. TIDMARSH _is downstairs superintending their + departure._ GWENNIE _has been pardoned on_ Lord S.'s _intercession, + and dismissed, in much bewilderment, to bed._ Mrs. TIDMARSH _and_ Lord + STRATHSPORRAN _are alone._ + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_hysterically_). Oh, Lord STRATHSPORRAN, when I think how +I----What can I _ever_ say to you? + +_Lord Strath._ Only, I hope, that you forgive my stupidity in blundering in +here as I did, Mrs. TIDMARSH. + +_Mrs. Tid._ It _was_ a good deal your fault. If you had only said who you +really were--if my husband had not been idiot enough to misunderstand--if +Miss SEATON had been more straightforward, all this would never----! + +[Illustration: "Sitting down heavily on a Settee."] + +_Lord Strath._ We were all the victims of circumstances, weren't we? But I, +at least, have no reason to regret it. And, if I may ask one last +indulgence, will you--a--let me have an opportunity of saying good-bye to +Miss SEATON? + +_Mrs. Tid._ She, she doesn't _deserve_--Oh, I don't know _what_ I'm saying. +Of _course_, Lord STRATHSPORRAN, anything, _anything_ I can do to----I will +send her down to you, if you will only wait. She shall not keep you long! + +_Lord Strath._ (_alone, to himself_). It's an ill wind, &c. I shall have +MARJORY all to myself, now! To think that--but for a lucky blunder--I +should be spelling out scarabs and things on the wrong side of that wall at +this moment, and never dreaming that MARJORY was so----Ah, she's coming! +(Miss SEATON _enters, looking pale and disconsolate._) MARJORY, you've no +idea what you've missed! I _must_ tell you--it's too good to lose. What +_do_ you think all these good people have been taking me for? You'll never +guess! They actually believed I was hired from BLANKLEY'S! Give you my word +they did!... Why don't you _laugh_, MARJORY? + +_Miss Seaton_ (_faintly_). I--I _am_ laughing. No, DOUGLAS, I'm not. I +can't; I haven't the conscience to. Oh, I never meant you to know--but I +must tell you, whatever comes of it! _I_ believed it too, at first. +(_Tragically._) I _did_, DOUGLAS! + +_Lord Strath._ _Did_ you though, MARJORY? Then, by Jove, I _must_ have +looked the character! + +_Miss Seaton_ (_timidly_). I knew you--you weren't very well off, DOUGLAS, +and so I fancied you might----Oh, I know it was hateful of me ever to think +such a thing, but I did. And you can never _really_ forgive me! + +_Lord Strath._ Couldn't think of it! Shall I tell you something else, +MARJORY? I've a strong impression that you will not be an inmate of this +happy English household _much_ longer. + +_Miss Seaton._ I'm _sure_ I shan't, from Mrs. TIDMARSH'S expression just +now. But I don't care! + +_Lord Strath._ Don't be reckless. How do you know there isn't a moral lion +about? And where will you go next, MARJORY? + +_Miss Seaton_ (_with a shrug_). I don't know. I suppose to anybody who +wants a Governess, and doesn't mind taking her without a reference, if +there _is_ such a person! + +_Lord Strath._ Well, oddly enough, I fancy I know somebody who has been +trying for a long time to find a young person of just your age and +appearance, and might be induced to waive a reference on a personal +interview. (Miss SEATON _looks incredulous._)... MARJORY, don't you +understand? If I hadn't been such a pauper, I'd have spoken long ago, when +we were up in Scotland together, only it didn't seem fair then. I--I +daresay I've no better chance now; but, at least, I've more right to speak +than I had, and--and--will you have me, MARJORY? (_She turns away._) I--I +won't worry you, dear, if you really can't care about me in that way; +but--but if you only _could_, MARJORY, even a little! + +_Miss Seaton._ DOUGLAS!... + + _Same Scene--somewhat later._ + +_Lord Strath._ Not yet, MARJORY--I can't let you go just yet!... Must I, +really? Before I've said half what I wanted!... Well--in one minute, then. +And you're coming to my people as soon as you can get out of this, MARJORY; +and I shall see you every day, till--till we shall never be separated +any----Confound it!--who's that? [Mr. TIDMARSH _enters suddenly._ + +_Mr. Tid._ Oh--er--Lord STRATHSPORRAN, sorry to interrupt you, but--hem--my +wife, who's feeling too unwell to come down again, desires me to say that, +in her opinion, Miss SEATON has been here quite long enough. [Miss SEATON +_escapes by the back drawing-room._ + +_Lord Strath._ I entirely agree with Mrs. TIDMARSH; but I am happy to say +that Miss SEATON will not remain here very much longer, as she has just +done me the honour of consenting to be my wife. Good night, Sir, and many +thanks for a most er--eventful evening. + + [_He goes out._ + +_Mr. Tid._ (_making an effort to escort him downstairs, but giving it up, +and sitting down heavily on a settee instead_). She'll be Lady +STRATHSPORRAN! And I shall have to break it to MARIA--after she's just gone +in and stuck a month's salary and immediate notice on her pincushion! Oh, +lor--as if my poor wife hadn't trouble enough to bear as it was! + +THE END. + + * * * * * + +HARE-ING HIS DIPLOMACY. + +As I have already conveyed, in a short note last week, the first night of +the revival of _Diplomacy_, viz., Saturday, Feb. 18th, will be for ever +memorable in the annals of the English stage in general, and in the +reminiscences of Mr. JOHN HARE in particular, whenever he may choose to +give them to the public. It will also afford matter for a brilliant chapter +in the second or third series of Mr. and Mrs. BANCROFT'S _On and Off the +Stage_. A great night, too, for the eminent adapters Messrs. SCOTT and +STEPHENSON, once known as "the Brothers ROWE," who rowed in the same boat. + +Never, at any time, has this version of the French play been so well cast +as it is now at Garrick Theatre, though nervousness told on all the actors, +especially on the elder ones, except, apparently, Mrs. BANCROFT, in whose +performance there was hardly any trace of it, though once she nearly missed +her cue while resting awhile at the back of the stage. + +The part of _Lady Henry Fairfax_ has literally nothing whatever to do with +the plot, and were it not played as it is now, and played so capitally by +Mrs. BANCROFT, it would be better, for an English audience at least, if +omitted entirely, or reduced to a few appropriate lines in pleasant places. +An English audience wants the story, when once begun, to go on without any +break or interruption; and indeed, but for dramatic effect, an English +audience is inclined to resent even the division of a piece into Acts, +unless such arrangement is evidently necessitated by some heavy mechanical +change of scenery. + +So our audiences would decidedly prefer to have the _roles_ of _Lady Henry_ +and _The Marquise de Rio Zares_ (with her wearisome iteration about "Don +ALVA," and played with rather too much accentuation by Lady MONCKTON) +reduced to the smallest possible algebraic expression. Mr. BANCROFT was the +same _Count Orloff_ as he was years ago on the little stage of the old +Prince of Wales's Theatre; his action more deliberate than when he was +younger and more impetuous; his pauses for meditation longer by a thought +or so than of yore; while in his tone and manner there was just a +delicately-deepened colouring of the genuine original Bancroftian "Old +Master." To Mr. BANCROFT, resuscitating our old courtly friend _Count +Orloff_ (now _Count Orl-on-again_), I would address the once well-known +line from "_Woodman, spare that Tree_"-- + +"Touch not a single _bow_!" + +[Illustration: "Three Men in a boat."] + +ARTHUR CECIL, too, as _Baron Stein_, excellent, _cela va sans dire_; yet, +somehow, his effects now seem to me to be laid on with too broad a brush, +especially in the scene of his last appearance, where he makes a sly, and, +for the _Baron Stein_, a rather over-elaborated and farcical attempt to +recapture the letter he has just given up. FORBES ROBERTSON is good from +first to last as the very weak-knee'd _Julian Beauelere_, sufficiently +emotional in the strong situations, and never better than when the +character itself is at its weakest; that is, in the one great scene with +his wife. + +The _Algie Fairfax_, of Mr. GILBERT HARE, was natural where the authors +have allowed him to be natural, and best, therefore, in the last Act, where +he has become a responsible personage in a diplomatic office. The +"three-men-in-a-difficulty" scene went as well as ever, though, on the +whole, played far too slowly, and with so much "suppressed force," that the +celebrated "_Monsieur! a vos ordres!_" when _Orloff_ suddenly breaks out +into "the language of diplomacy," did not electrify the house. On the +contrary, the audience took it very quietly, awaiting with some curiosity +the interference of _Henry Beauclerc_. And it was at this point that the +services of Mr. JOHN HARE in this character were invaluable. Never had his +crisp incisive style produced more marked effect. It is a pity that in the +Third Act, which being the weak point of the play requires all the strength +of the actor to be seriously employed, Mr. HARE should have given a very +light comedy, nay, even a farcical touch to his treatment of the "business" +of sniffing the perfume--when he is literally "on the scent"--and to the +momentous situation of his interview with _Zicka_. "_Maintenant a nos +deux!_" Odd that, in his treatment of the strength of the scent, SARDOU +should have shown the feebleness of his methods. Yet so it is. The play, at +this point, being practically played out, he carelessly chucks the puppets +into a corner. He has made his great scenes, and there's an end of it; let +the weakest go to the wall. + +[Illustration: DUET--_Baron Cecil Stein and Lady Henry Bancroft Fairfax_ +(_with original model of Strasbourg Clock_)--"Here we are again!"] + +[Illustration: SCENT ZICKA--from a (guilt)-stained-glass Russian window.] + +Last of all to be mentioned with unstinted praise is Miss KATE RORKE. It is +as well to remember throughout that we are witnessing a play of +semi-French, not purely domestic English life, and the essence of the play +could not be adapted to ordinary English notions. _Julian Beauclerc_, for +example, in England, would never have challenged _Count Orloff_; he might +have had "a deuce of a row with him"; _et voila tout_. _Dora_, as a young +Irish girl, and not, as she is here, a half-breed, would never have +threatened to suicide herself out of the window, though all else she, as a +not particularly well-educated, but certainly very impulsive girl, might +probably have done. Her great scene, where she bangs her fists against the +looked doors, shrieking to her husband to return--an effect to be led up to +and made within the space of a minute--was, if I may be allowed to say so, +without being suspected of exaggeration, "just perfect." That some +considerable time will elapse before the enthusiasm aroused by this revival +dies out among the patrons and lovers of the Drama-at-its-best is the +private opinion, publicly expressed, of Yours, truly, "THE ONE MAN SEEN" IN +A BOX. + +P.S.--When _Diplomacy_ shall have accomplished its Hundred Nights, Mr. HARE +can announce its Scentenary. + + * * * * * + +A LAST STRAW. + +(_By One who has to Make Bricks with It._) + + ["... It is rumoured that a measure will shortly be introduced for + transferring the duties of Revising Barristers to Magistrates."] + + Go, tell the budding blooms they'll ne'er have dew more, + Go, doom the summer trees to languish leafless-- + A like effect this ultra-fiendish rumour + Works in the drooping bosoms of the Briefless. + + No more Reviserships! No paltry pittance + For Themis' harvesters, too often sheafless! + Is this the Constitution, once Great Britain's; + _This_, your provision for the meekly Briefless? + + As well proclaim to such as slave at Sessions, + A world unburglarised and wholly thiefless, + As rob the least rewarded of professions + Of its ancestral comfort for the Briefless. + + What's to become of us?--I speak for many, + Idle and "Unemployed," but oh! not griefless; + Please, please kind Government to spare a penny, + Or yet Trafalgar Square shall rouse the Briefless. + + Yes! Don't imagine, uncomplaining creatures + Are quite disorganised and limp, and chiefless; + Our jaw is one of our most drastic features, + And Art is long, though Life perforce be Briefless. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A REGULAR KNOUT AND KNOUTER!!!] + + * * * * * + +"'BEN' TROVATO."--Odd that the French author of such truly Parisian stories +as _Coeur d'Actrice_, _L'Amour pour Rire_, _Flirtage_, and others _du meme +genre_, should be named "TILLET." There is a "du" before the French +author's name, and it is of course proverbial that even a certain person in +the Lower House shall have his "due." 'Tis just this, that, as far as name +goes, differentiates him from t'other TILLET, "which his Christian name is +BEN." + + * * * * * + +Further Fall in Irish Stocks. + +(_Vide Daily Papers, Feb. 24, 1893._) + + Though mongers of panic, with malice satanic, + The credit of Ireland be troublin', + Home Rule cannot shake her, nor severance break her, + So long as her _capital's D(o)ublin_.' + + * * * * * + +WEATHER FORECAST BY MRS. R.--"After this cold snowy weather," she observed, +oracularly, "we may expect what they call 'equally obnoxious gales.'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HISTORY CONTRADICTS ITSELF. + +THE MISSES ROUNDABOUT THINK TIGHT SKIRTS A PREPOSTEROUS AND EXTRAVAGANT +INVENTION, AND APPEAR AT MRS. WEASEL'S PARTY IN A SIMPLE AND ELEGANT +ATTIRE. [_Vide "Punch" for Nov. 21, 1857._] + + * * * * * + +PUTTING IT PLEASANTLY. + + [Mr. FOWLER announced the Government's willingness to appoint "a small + Commission" to consider how the City could be amalgamated with the + rest of London.] + + "Dilly, Dilly, come and be killed!" + Cried good _Mrs. Bond_ to the ducks, in the story. + Conceive with what rapture the victims were thrilled, + And then picture the joy of our Turtle friends, filled + With sweet premonitions of glory! + + No little testudinate triflers are these, + Unmindful of doom unforbodingly playing. + The cook's charming manners are likely to please, + But the flash of that knife Snapping Turtles might freeze, + 'Tis so strangely suggestive of--slaying. + + The civic Brer Terrapin certainly seems + Extremely content with its time-honoured station. + Our "young men" may dream highly optimist dreams, + But Turtledom feareth what Turtledom deems + The perils of--Unification! + + "No compulsion, of course, only, darlings, you must!" + That's their reading _au fond_ of the C. C. Cook's attitude. + "'Amalgamate' Us? Doosed cool, most unjust! + Your offer inspires us with dismal distrust, + Your 'Commission' won't move us to gratitude. + + "We love the traditions of Old London Town, + We Turtles. Pray leave us alone, and don't bother! + Amalgamate? Nay, on the notion we frown! + Like the lion and lamb we'll together lie down---- + When the one is safe inside the other!" + + Alack and alas! But the new _Mrs. Bond_ + Means mischief, we fear, with her kind "Dilly, Dilly!" + And well may the Turtles droop fins and despond. + When the snug isolation of which they're so fond, + They must part with at last, willy-nilly! + + * * * * * + +WAGES. + +(_A long way after Lord Tennyson._) + + ["Lord WOLMER ... pointed out that Mr. GLADSTONE'S majority of forty + would be wiped out if the 'paid mercenaries' of the Irish-American + factions were withdrawn, or were even unable to keep up a steady + attendance in the House of Commons."--_The Times._ + + "The proposed Bill to Provide for the Payment of Members of Parliament + ... is a bold attempt to transfer to the tax-payers of Great Britain + the burden of supporting at Westminster the Irish Nationalist + Members."--_Ibid._] + + Glory of Irishman, glory of orator, going it strong, + Paid by his countrymen's mites from across the Atlantic Sea-- + Glory of PAT, to spout, to struggle, right Ireland's old wrong! + Nay, but they aim not at glory, or Home Rule (swears WOLMER, swears + he): + Give 'em the glory of living on _us_ and our L. S. D.! + + The wages of swells are high; if high wage to a Minister's just. + Shall we have the heart low wages to hard-worked M.P.'s to deny? + _Mercenaries?_ What then are those toffs in high places of trust, + Who live on our golden largess? Will WOLMER inform us just why + We _may_ give wages to Wealth, and _not_ unto Poverty? + + * * * * * + +"Down Among the Dead Men." + +_Ebriosus loquitur_:-- + + Silly spook-hunters show a wish to learn + If (_hic!_) departed spiritsh e'er return! + _Did_ they, I should not have so dry a throttle, + Nor would it cost so mush to--passh the bottle! + Thersh no returning (_hic!_) of Spiritsh fled, + And (_hic!_) "dead men"--_worsh luck!_--continue dead! + + * * * * * + +WANTED BADLY.--A "close time" for Autograph-hunting. Alas! the great--and +even the not-so-very-great--are "made game of" all the year round. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUTTING IT PLEASANTLY! + +COUNTY COUNCIL COOK. "DILLY, DILLY, DILLY! COME AND BE--_AMALGAMATED_!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TRUSTY KNIGHT. + +_Tommy_ (_who has undertaken to escort his fair Cousin to see the Hounds +draw Covert_), "AND YOU KNOW YOU NEEDN'T MIND ALL THESE MEN. IT'S ALL +RIGHT, AS YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER FELLOW WITH YOU."] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S CHILD'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE. + +_Question._ What is a holiday? + +_Answer._ The hard work of that wearisome pursuit known as "pleasure." + +_Q._ To whom are holidays profitable? + +_A._ To the butchers, the pastry-cooks, and last, but certainly not least, +the doctors. + +_Q._ What are the ends of holidays? + +_A._ Pills and Bills. + +_Q._ What are pills? + +_A._ The means by which fortunes are made, and in another sense Clubs kept +select. + +_Q._ And Bills? + +_A._ Necessary evils laid on the table in the House of Commons, and thrown +into the waste-paper basket in the domestic circle. + +_Q._ What is Parliament? + +_A._ An assembly of men in which hats are worn when the Members don't want +to talk, and removed when they wish to show what amount of brains they may +possess. + +_Q._ What is a hat? + +_A._ Generally a nuisance. + +_Q._ What is cover? + +_A._ The profit made by an Outside Broker out of his too confiding +customers. + +_Q._ What is the difference between an Outside Broker and an Inside Broker? + +_A._ One is associated with the Stock Exchange, and the other is usually +made comfortable with a pot of beer and a penny paper in the kitchen. + +_Q._ What is a kitchen? + +_A._ The source from which happiness or misery flows under the +superintendence of a cook. + +_Q._ Describe a cook. + +_A._ As a food-preparer he, or she, is often an executioner. + +_Q._ What is a century? + +_A._ When obtained by a cricketer, an honour; when achieved by an +individual, a distinction that must be shortly followed by extinction. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--JOHN OLIVER HOBBES'S last contribution to FISHER +UNWIN'S charming Pseudonym Library is well named _A Study in Temptations_. +It is not in itself an attractive title, but it accurately indicates the +style of the book. It is a study for a novel rather than an accomplished +work. One expects, my Baronite says, that in some leisure time the author +will come back and finish it. It is well worth the labour, being full of +living characters. _Lady Warbeck_ in particular, is excellent, reminiscent +of, and worthy of THACKERAY. The temptingly arranged pages glitter with +shrewd thoughts admirably phrased. BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +NO DOUBT AS TO THE ANSWER.--In the list of "Noblemen and Gentlemen" +(invidious distinction, by the way) attending the _Levee_ at St. James's +Palace, whose name would be always found?--Why that of "JAMES O. FORBES, +_of Corse_." + + * * * * * + +NEW (NORWEGIAN) NONSENSE VERSE. + +(_After seeing Ibsen's Dramas._) + + There was a young female in Norway, + Who fancied herself in a poor way, + Because she felt that + Her sweet sex was squeezed flat, + As though caught in cold Destiny's doorway. + + This rebellious young woman of Norway + Cried, "Man, in his coarse, brutal boor-way, + Would wipe his big feet + On my sex soft and sweet; + But _I_'ll be no mere mat in Man's doorway!" + + And so this young woman of Norway + Got IBSEN to write, in cock-sure way, + Concerning her woes, + And tip-tilted her nose, + Crying, "_Now_ womankind will have more way!" + + But alas! this young woman of Norway + _Still_ feels that her soul's in a poor way, + Because, in a play, + She won't charm (so they say) + Or draw crowds through the theatre's doorway. + + * * * * * + +LATEST A PROPOS OF THE COVENT GARDEN FANCY DRESS BALLS.--"Of course," +observed Mrs. R., "as ladies do not want to be recognised, they simply go +in dummy noses." + + * * * * * + +LEGAL QUERY.--When a leading Barrister gets someone to "devil" for him, may +the latter's occupation be correctly described as "devilry"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IL Y EN A TOUJOURS UN QUI AIME--ET L'AUTRE QUI TEND LA +JOUE." + +_He._ "AH! YOU'D THINK A PRECIOUS LOT MORE OF ME, MATILDA, IF I WAS ONLY +SIX FEET HIGH!" + +_She._ "YES, DEAREST! BUT THEN YOU WOULDN'T THINK SUCH A PRECIOUS LOT OF +_ME_!"] + + * * * * * + +AN ORLEANS PLUM.--Prince HENRI D'ORLEANS (says the _Times_) has just been +rebuking the British people for the Chauvinism of their Oriental policy. +Like the late M. MASSIE, whose shade he invokes, the young Prince seems to +object to us, not because we commit any specific acts of hostility, but +"because we look on in a most aggravating fashion." This is truly funny! +One country may steal a--Tonkin, but another may not look over a boundary! +Prince HENRY presents a peculiarly close parallel to KEENE'S infuriated +(and incoherent) Paterfamilias, who angrily commanded his silent son "not +to look at him in _that_ tone of voice!" + + * * * * * + +OPERA AND DISESTABLISHMENT.--_La Damnation de Faust_ was produced most +successfully at the Theatre at Monte Carlo. According to some stern +moralists, who regard the Principality as a gambling-hell upon earth, this +particular Opera was in a quite congenial atmosphere. Odd that in the two +Principalities, Monte Carlo and Wales, the objects for Disestablishment +should be so diametrically opposite. In Wales it is the particular Church, +and at Monte Carlo it is the not-at-all-particular t'other word, +unmentionable twice in the same paragraph to ears polite. + + * * * * * + +NEW READING.--(_By a Musical Lady Latinist._)--"Amor et melle et KELLIE est +fecundissimus." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 20._--New Chairman to-day; dropped in +in most casual way. Wondered to see MELLOR wandering about Library and +corridors at three o'clock in afternoon in full evening dress. "Going out +to tea?" I asked, in my genial way. + +"Order! order!" said MELLOR; "the Hon. Member will please give notice of +that question." And he stalked off, trying to convey to the mind of his +astonished interlocutor as near an approach to back view of COURTNEY as +could be attained, without loan of late Chairman's famous summer +pantaloons. + +Everything explained later. Soon as questions over, Mr. G., rising and +fixing glittering eye on SPEAKER, observed, "I beg to move that you, Sir, +do now leave the Chair." Strangers in Gallery pricked up their ears; +thought SPEAKER been doing something, and was now in for it. Right Hon. +Gentleman offered no defence, but meekly left Chair. Mr. G. up again like a +shot. "I beg to move that Mr. MELLOR do take the Chair," he said. Then +MELLOR (fortuitously on spot in evening dress) stepped into Chair, where +through six Sessions, COURTNEY has sat ruling the whirlwind out of order, +and riding on the storm. All done in moment. Before you knew where you +were, there was new Chairman of Committees proposing vote of L2,000 for +rearrangement of rooms in Houses of Parliament. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rose, with +evident intent of wanting to know "about these rooms," when irrepressible +Mr. G. on his feet again. "I beg to move," he said, addressing Chairman, +"that you do report progress, and ask leave to sit again." + +Rather hard this on MELLOR. Just got into Chair; beginning to feel +comfortable. Had proposed subject that might have agreeably occupied +Committee for half an hour, when here comes the untameable, irresistible, +peremptory Mr. G., and bundles him off. At first some signs of inclination +to resist. New Chairman, having put question and declared it carried, +should forthwith have stepped away from the table. MELLOR dropped into +Chair again. + +A moment of embarrassment. COURTNEY, looking critically on form below +Gangway, grimly smiled. Members under Gallery tittered. Clerk nudged new +Chairman in ribs. MELLOR sat on till, lifting his eyes, discovered Mr. G. +meaningly regarding him. Knew he'd be up again if he didn't go; so with +promising alacrity, hopped out of Chair, and disappeared from ken of House. + +"Well, I don't know," said honest BILL CREMER. "Of course I don't hold with +COURTNEY'S goings-on in the political field, and he can scarcely have +expected us to keep him on in a snug berth. But this I will say, the +manners of the new Chairman may, so to speak, be more MELLOR, but, as +Chairman of Committees, COURTNEY'll be hard to beat." + +_Business done._--"Ban, ban, Caliban, got a new Premier, get a new man"--in +Chairman of Committees. + +_Tuesday._--"The life of Her Majesty's Ministers," said the GRAND YOUNG +GARDNER, moodily contemplating his spats, "is not an entirely happy one. I +think I may add that is peculiarly the case with the MINISTER for +AGRICULTURE. I must say, if the language, be not regarded as too +flowery----" + +"The MINISTER for AGRICULTURE," I said, desiring to put GARDNER at his +ease, "would be fully justified in using cauliflowery language." + +"Thank you. Then I'll say I go to bed with tuberculosis, and get up with +HARRY CHAPLIN. The casual observer is, doubtless, aware that CHAPLIN has an +eye. He sees it gleaming through the eyeglass. I feel it ever upon me. It +is no slight thing to have succeeded a statesman of the calibre of CHAPLIN. +But when he persistently sits opposite you, critically observing all your +movements with that air of supreme intelligence which more than hints that, +as MINISTER for AGRICULTURE, he was personally acquainted with every one of +the cattle on a thousand hills, it is an ordeal that calls into play all +the higher faculties of Man. As to the tuberculosis, it is always breaking +out in unexpected places; people concerned insist upon regarding me as +personally responsible for the visitation." + +[Illustration: THE POLITICAL FANCY DRESS BALL AT COVENT GARDEN.] + +"But," I said, "you have your little holiday, Saturday to Monday, and get +out to dinner on off-nights?" + +"No," he sighed, "the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE has no off-nights; and if I +go to church at the seaside on a Sunday, the Church-warden in passing round +the collection-plate, is sure to steal into my hand a telegram, announcing +a fresh outbreak of tuberculosis. As to going out to dinner----" + +[Illustration: Harry'd H-rry Ch-pl-n, as he appeared when meditating on +Bimetallistic and Agricultural Distress.] + +"Ministers," CAUSTON here observed, "never dine out when the House is +sitting, unless commanded by the QUEEN, and Whips can't be spared even to +dine with HER MAJESTY." + +"As to going out to dinner," continued the GRAND YOUNG GARDNER, ignoring +the interruption of his genial colleague, "it is impossible. It was said, I +believe by one of themselves, 'The Guard dies, but never surrenders.' I may +add, the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE lunches but never dines. What would +become of the Government if a division-bell rang and he was found out of +the way? Now to-night, you would say, looking at the business, I might well +be spared. We commence with KIMBER on disparities in the representation of +constituencies. ROLLIT will follow in the interests of undersized +flat-fish. What has the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE to do with flat-fish of +whatever size? you might ask. To the casual observer, nothing. But, looking +ahead, as the responsibilities of my position make it necessary I should +habitually do, I recall the fact that sometimes the placid pilchard is cast +upon our shores in such quantities as to be carted away for manurial +purposes. I am not intimately acquainted with the pilchard. It is not like +the terrapin a land fish. I am not sure it is flat. Still I have a strong +impression it is undersized. Therefore it might come within the purview of +the discussion on ROLLIT'S motion. MUNDELLA, as you say, is in charge of +the debate, and I might comfortably go to dinner. But what does MUNDELLA +know of manure? No; the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE remains, and will +dine,--if necessary die, at his post." + +_Business done._--8:10 P.M., House Counted Out, whilst GRAND YOUNG GARDNER +is explaining how it was he couldn't go out to dinner. + +[Illustration: "THE WESTMINSTER PLAY." + +_Young Grandolphus_ (_in costume, with appropriate action_). "Haec recinunt +Juvenes dictata senesque!"] + +_Friday_, 12:30 A.M.--Storm subsided. Magnificent whilst it lasted. +GRANDOLPH in fine form. Mr. G., under his influence, renewed his youth like +the eagle. At same time, though Welsh Church may be doomed, supply of cabs +on night like this inadequate. Better be put in yard in good time. KENYON +lingers on scene, still asking for Bill to be "taken _de die in diem_." "As +if he were giving a prescription," said WILFRID LAWSON, back from Mansion +House, where he has seen his portrait presented to Lady LAWSON. KENYON, +with eye on Bishop of ST. ASAPH, up in Peers' Gallery, made desperate +resistance to attack on Church. Bishop looked a little grave when KENYON +dropped into metaphor. + +[Illustration: A FEATURE OF THE DEBATE. + +_M-nd-lla._ A cause de mon nom suis-je "alien"? + +_J. L-wth-r_ (_heard but not seen_). Non, Monsieur! Mais vous _n'osez_ pas +dire le contraire.] + +"Bill like bagged fox, don't you know," said KENYON, nodding confidentially +to SPEAKER. "Meant to run any way you like. What I mean to say is--" and +here he turned for approval to Lord Bishop, consorting in Gallery with his +fighting Dean, "this fox is so tainted with insincerity, or aniseed, that +the hounds may just as well shut up their noses, and have nothing to do +with it." + +With this sage remark, and, something horribly like a wink at the Bishop, +KENYON sat down. Up again later, when Closure moved. HICKS-BEACH, in +temporary command of Opposition, deprecated resistance. But KENYON'S blood +up. With strong effort of self-restraint he stopped himself midway in +stentorian shout, "Yoicks!" dexterously turned the "Yo" into "No," and so +saved himself from reproof of SPEAKER. Having got the "No!" he made most of +it. Nothing left but to clear House for Division. Members near entreated +KENYON to desist from further opposition. No use fighting Closure; only +meant another Division and twenty minutes' prolongation of sitting. KENYON, +with eye reverently fixed on Bishop, immovable. Others might falter on the +way; might palter with the truth; might parlay with the enemy. KENYON would +have no compromise, no surrender. "Yoic----" he meant "No! no!" and he +shouted it too. + +"Will the Hon. Member name another teller?" said the wary SPEAKER, when +House cleared for Division. KENYON, evidently still seeing the fox steal +away, Aniseed at the Helm and Insincerity at the Prow, almost stumbled on +the name "YOICKS!" Again stopped himself just in time, and looked forlornly +round; eye finally resting on Peers' Gallery. If only the Bishop could +"tell" with him! That evidently out of order. Bishop belonged, to other +House. No one volunteering to stand with him in the breach, and two tellers +being a necessary preliminary to Division, KENYON bent his head in silent +grief, and leave given to bring in Bill which ASQUITH remorselessly +admitted was first step towards Disestablishment of Welsh Church. + +_Business done._--Welsh Church Suspensory Bill read First Time, by majority +of 56, in excited House of 546 Members. + +_Friday Night._--After the storm, the customary calm. Spent night in +discussing tempting themes of Local Taxation in London, and Superannuation +of School-teachers. On latter subject that _preux Chevalier_, TEMPLE, +laying down the lute, and leaving Amaryllis in the shade, delivered +luminous speech; convinced CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER; made him promise to +fork out. + +_Business done._--Much of useful kind. + + * * * * * + +"SUPPOSITIOUS."--"Well," observed our old friend, who was discussing a +recent case that had been headed "Romance in the Court of Chancery," "this +all comes from bringing up a child that they pretended was their own. I +mean what they call 'A Superstitious Child.'" + + * * * * * + +QUITE ANOTHER THING.--With reference to a recent burglary at Sir THOMAS +PIGOT'S, it is stated that "thieves were known to be in the neighbourhood, +and the police have the matter in hand." Wouldn't it be better if they had +the thieves there? + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. 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