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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/21808-8.txt b/21808-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b8c080a --- /dev/null +++ b/21808-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5420 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The House, by Eugene Field, Illustrated by E. +H. Garrett + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The House + An Episode in the Lives of Reuben Baker, Astronomer, and of His Wife, Alice + + +Author: Eugene Field + + + +Release Date: June 11, 2007 [eBook #21808] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HOUSE*** + + +E-text prepared by Al Haines + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustration. + See 21808-h.htm or 21808-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/1/8/0/21808/21808-h/21808-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/1/8/0/21808/21808-h.zip) + + + + + +The Works of Eugene Field + +Vol. VIII + +The Writings in Prose and Verse of Eugene Field + +THE HOUSE + +An Episode in the Lives of Reuben Baker, Astronomer, and of His Wife +Alice + + + + + + + +[Frontispiece: The House. Drawn by E. H. Garrett.] + + + + +Charles Scribner's Sons +New York +1911 + +Copyright, 1896, by +Julia Sutherland Field. + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +The story that is told in this volume is as surely an autobiography as +if that announcement were a part of the title: and it also has the +peculiar and significant distinction of being in some sort the +biography of every man and woman who enters seriously upon the business +of life. + +In its pages is to be found the history of the heart's desire of all +who are disposed to take the partnership of man and woman seriously. +The instinct--the desire--call it what you will--that is herein set +forth with such gentle humor is as old as humanity, and all literature +that contains germs of permanence teems with its influence. But never +before has it had so painstaking a biographer--so deft and subtle an +interpreter. + +We are told, alas! that the story of Alice and Reuben Baker wanted but +one chapter to complete it when Eugene Field died. That chapter was to +have told how they reached the fulfilment of their heart's desire. But +even here the unities are preserved. The chapter that is unwritten in +the book is also unwritten in the lives of perhaps the great majority +of men and women. + +The story that Mr. Field has told portrays his genius and his humor in +a new light. We have seen him scattering the germs of his wit +broadcast in the newspapers--we have seen him putting on the cap and +bells, as it were, to lead old Horace through some modern paces--we +have heard him singing his tender lullabies to children--we have wept +with him over "Little Boy Blue," and all the rest of those quaint +songs--we have listened to his wonderful stories--but only in the story +of "The House" do we find his humor so gently turned, so deftly put, +and so ripe for the purpose of literary expression. It lies deep here, +and those who desire to enjoy it as it should be enjoyed must place +their ears close to the heart of human nature. The wit and the +rollicking drollery that were but the surface indications of Mr. +Field's genius have here given place to the ripe humor that lies as +close to tears as to laughter--the humor that is a part and a large +part of almost every piece of English literature that has outlived the +hand that wrote it. + +JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS. + + + + +The Chapters in this Book + + + I WE BUY A PLACE + II OURSELVES AND OUR NEIGHBORS + III WE MAKE OUR BARGAIN KNOWN + IV THE FIRST PAYMENT + V WE NEGOTIATE A MORTGAGE + VI I AM BESOUGHT TO BUY THINGS + VII OUR PLANS FOR IMPROVEMENTS + VIII THE VANDALS BEGIN THEIR WORK + IX NEIGHBOR MACLEOD'S THISTLE + X COLONEL DOLLER'S GREAT IDEA + XI I MAKE A STAND FOR MY RIGHTS + XII I AM DECEIVED IN MR. WAX + XIII EDITOR WOODSIT A TRUE FRIEND + XIV THE VICTIM OF AN ORDINANCE + XV THE QUESTION OF INSURANCE + XVI NEIGHBOR ROBBINS' PLATYPUS + XVII OUR DEVICES FOR ECONOMIZING + XVIII I STATE MY VIEWS ON TAXATION + XIX OTHER PEOPLE'S DOGS + XX I ACQUIRE POISON AND EXPERIENCE + XXI WITH PLUMBERS AND PAINTERS + XXII THE BUTLER'S PANTRY + XXIII ALICE'S NIGHT WATCHMAN + XXIV DRIVEWAYS AND WALL PAPERS + XXV AT LAST WE ENTER OUR HOUSE + + + + +THE HOUSE + + +I + +WE BUY A PLACE + +It was either Plato the Athenian, or Confucius the Chinese, or +Andromachus the Cretan--or some other philosopher whose name I +disremember--that remarked once upon a time, and the time was many +centuries ago, that no woman was happy until she got herself a home. It +really makes no difference who first uttered this truth, the truth itself +is and always has been recognized as one possessing nearly all the +virtues of an axiom. + +I recall that one of the first wishes I heard Alice express during our +honeymoon was that we should sometime be rich enough to be able to build +a dear little house for ourselves. We were poor, of course; otherwise +our air castle would not have been "a dear little house"; it would have +been a palatial residence with a dance-hall at the top and a wine-cellar +at the bottom thereof. I have always observed that when the money comes +in the poetry flies out. Bread and cheese and kisses are all well enough +for poverty-stricken romance, but as soon as a poor man receives a +windfall his thoughts turn inevitably to a contemplation of the +probability of terrapin and canvasbacks. + +I encouraged Alice in her fond day-dreaming, and we decided between us +that the dear little house should be a cottage, about which the roses and +the honeysuckles should clamber in summer, and which in winter should be +banked up with straw and leaves, for Alice and I were both of New England +origin. I must confess that we had some reason for indulging these +pleasing speculations, for at that time my Aunt Susan was living, and she +was reputed as rich as mud (whatever that may mean), and this simile was +by her neighbors coupled with another, which represented Aunt Susan as +being as close as a clapboard on a house. Whatever her reputation was, I +happened to be Aunt Susan's nearest of kin, and although I never so far +lost my presence of mind as to intimate even indirectly that I had any +expectations, I wrote regularly to Aunt Susan once a month, and every +fall I sent her a box of game, which I told her I had shot in the woods +near our boarding-house, but which actually I had bought of a commission +merchant in South Water Street. + +With the legacy which we were to receive from Aunt Susan, Alice and I had +it all fixed up that we should build a cottage like one which Alice had +seen one time at Sweet Springs while convalescing at that fashionable +Missouri watering-place from an attack of the jaundice. This cottage +was, as I was informed, an ingenious combination of Gothic decadence and +Norman renaissance architecture. Being somewhat of an antiquarian by +nature, I was gratified by the promise of archaism which Alice's picture +of our future home presented. We picked out a corner lot in,--well, no +matter where; that delectable dream, with its Gothic and Norman features, +came to an untimely end all too soon. At its very height Aunt Susan up +and died, and a fortnight later we learned that, after bequeathing the +bulk of her property to foreign missions, she had left me, whom she had +condescended to refer to as her "beloved nephew," nine hundred dollars in +cash and her favorite flower-piece in wax, a hideous thing which for +thirty years had occupied the corner of honor in the front spare chamber. + +I do not know what Alice did with the wax-flowers. As for the nine +hundred dollars, I appropriated it to laudable purposes. Some of it went +for a new silk dress for Alice; the rest I spent for books, and I recall +my thrill of delight when I saw ensconced upon my shelves a splendid copy +of Audubon's "Birds" with its life-size pictures of turkeys, buzzards, +and other fowl done in impossible colors. + +After that experience "our house" simmered and shrivelled down from the +Norman-Gothic to plain, everyday, fin-de-siècle architecture. We +concluded that we could get along with five rooms (although six would be +better), and we transferred our affections from that corner lot in the +avenue which had engaged our attention during the decadent-renaissance +phase of our enthusiasm to a modest point in Slocum's Addition, a +locality originally known as Slocum's Slough, but now advertised and +heralded by the press and rehabilitated in public opinion as Paradise +Park. This pleasing mania lasted about two years. Then it was forever +abated by the awful discovery that Paradise Park was the breeding spot of +typhoid fever, and, furthermore, that old man Slocum's title to the +property was defective in every essential particular. + +Alice and I did not find it in our power either to overlook or to combat +these trifling objections; with unabated optimism we cast our eyes +elsewhere, and within a month we found another delectable biding +place--this time some distance from the city--in fact, in one of the new +and booming suburbs. Elmdale was then new to fame. I suppose they +called it Elmdale because it had neither an elm nor a dale. It was +fourteen miles from town, but its railroad transportation facilities were +unique. The five-o'clock milk-train took passengers in to business every +morning, and the eight-o'clock accommodation brought them home again +every evening; moreover, the noon freight stopped at Elmdale to take up +passengers every other Wednesday, and it was the practice of every other +train to whistle and to slack up in speed to thirty miles an hour while +passing through this promising suburb. + +I did not care particularly for Elmdale, but Alice took a mighty fancy to +it. Our twin boys (Galileo and Herschel, named after the astronomers of +blessed memory!) were now three years old, and Alice insisted that they +required the pure air and the wholesome freedom of rural life. Galileo +had, in fact, never quite been himself since he swallowed the pincushion. + +We did not go to Elmdale at once; we never went there. Elmdale was +simply another one of those curious phases in which our dream of a home +abounded. With the Elmdale phase "our house" underwent another change. +But this was natural enough. You see that in none of our other plans had +we contemplated the possibility of a growing family. Now we had two +uproarious boys, and their coming had naturally put us into pleasing +doubt as to what similar emergencies might transpire in the future. So +our five-room cottage had acquired (in our minds) two more rooms--seven +altogether--and numerous little changes in the plans and decorations of +"our house" had gradually been evolved. + +As I now remember, it was about this time that Alice made up her mind +that the reception-room should be treated in blue. Her birth had +occurred in December, and therefore turquoise was her birth-stone and the +blue thereof was her favorite color. I am not much of a believer in such +things--in fact, I discredit all superstitions except such as involve +black cats and the rabbit's foot, and these exceptions are wholly +reasonable, for my family lived for many years in Salem, Mass. But I +have always conceded that Alice has as good a right to her superstitions +as I to mine. I bought her the prettiest turquoise ring I could afford, +and I approved her determination to treat the reception-room in blue. I +rather enjoyed the prospect of the luxury of a reception-room; it had +ground the iron into my soul that, ever since we married and settled +down, Alice and I had been compelled in winter months to entertain our +callers in the same room where we ate our meals. In summer this +humiliation did not afflict us, for then we always sat of an evening on +the front porch. + +The blue room met with a curious fate. One Christmas our beneficent +friend, Colonel Mullaly, presented Alice and me with a beautiful and +valuable lamp. Alice went to Burley's the next week and priced one (not +half as handsome) and was told that it cost sixty dollars. It was a +tall, shapely lamp, with an alabaster and Italian marble pedestal +cunningly polished; a magnificent yellow silk shade served as the +crowning glory to this superb creation. + +For a week, perhaps, Alice was abstracted; then she told me that she had +been thinking it all over and had about made up her mind that when we got +our new house she would have the reception-room treated in a delicate +canary shade. + +"But why abandon the blue, my dear?" I asked. "I think it would be so +pretty to have the decoration of the room match your turquoise ring." + +"That 's just like a man!" said Alice. "Reuben, dear, could you possibly +imagine anything else so perfectly horrid as a yellow lampshade in a blue +room?" + +"You are right, sweetheart," said I. "That is something I had never +thought of before. You are right; canary color it shall be, and when we +have moved in I 'll buy you a dear little canary bird in a lovely gold +cage, and we 'll hang it in the front window right over the lamp, so that +everybody can see our treasures from the street and envy our happiness!" + +"You dear, sweet boy!" cried Alice, and she reached up and pulled my head +down and kissed her dear, sweet boy on his bald spot. Alice is an angel! + +I fear I am wearying you with the prolixity of my narrative. So let me +pass rapidly over the ten years that succeeded to the yellow-lamp epoch. +Ten hard but sweet years! Years full of struggle and hopes, touched with +bereavement and sorrow, but precious years, for troubles, like those we +have had, sanctify human lives. Children came to us, and of these +priceless treasures we lost two. If I thought Alice would ever see these +lines I should not say to you now that from the two great sorrows of +those years my heart has never been and never shall be weaned. I would +not have Alice know this, for it would open afresh the wounds her dear, +tender mother-heart has suffered. + +Galileo and Herschel are strapping fellows. They have survived their +juvenile ambitions to be milkmen, policemen, lamp-lighters, butchers, +grocerymen, etc., respectively. Both are now in the manual-training +school. Fanny, Josephine and Erasmus--I have not mentioned them +before,--these are the children that are left to us of those that have +come in the later years. And, my! how they are growing! What changes +have taken place in them and all about us! My affairs have prospered; if +it had n't been for the depression that set in two years ago I should +have had one thousand dollars in bank by this time. My salary has +increased steadily year by year; it has now reached a sum that enables me +to hope for speedy relief from those financial worries which encompass +the head of a numerous household. By the practice of rigid economy in +family expenses I have been able to accumulate a large number of +black-letter books and a fine collection of curios, including some fifty +pieces of mediaeval armor. We have lived in rented houses all these +years, but at no time has Alice abandoned the hope and the ambition of +having a home of her own. "Our house" has been the burthen of her song +from one year's end to the other. I understand that this becomes a +monomania with a woman who lives in a rented house. + +And, gracious! what changes has "our house" undergone since first dear +Alice pictured it as a possibility to me! It has passed through every +character, form, and style of architecture conceivable. From five rooms +it has grown to fourteen. The reception parlor, chameleon-like, has +changed color eight times. There have duly loomed up bewildering visions +of a library, a drawing-room, a butler's pantry, a nursery, a +laundry--oh, it quite takes my breath away to recall and recount the +possibilities which Alice's hopes and fancies conjured up. + +But, just two months ago to-day Alice burst in upon me. I was in my +study over the kitchen figuring upon the probable date of the conjunction +of Venus and Saturn in the year 1963. + +"Reuben, dear," cried Alice, "I 've done it! I 've bought a place!" + +"Alice Fothergill Baker," says I, "what _do_ you mean!" + +She was all out of breath--so transported with delight was she that she +could hardly speak. Yet presently she found breath to say: "You know the +old Schmittheimer place--the house that sets back from the street and has +lovely trees in the yard? You remember how often we 've gone by there +and wished we had a home like it? Well, I 've bought it! Do you +understand, Reuben dear? I 've bought it, and we 've got a home at last!" + +"Have you _paid_ for it, darling?" I asked. + +"N-n-no, not yet," she answered, "but I 'm going to, and you 're going to +help me, are n't you, Reuben?" + +"Alice," says I, going to her and putting my arms about her, "I don't +know what you 've done, but of course I 'll help you--yes, dearest, I 'll +back you to the last breath of my life!" + +Then she made me put on my boots and overcoat and hat and go with her to +see her new purchase--"our house!" + + + + +II + +OURSELVES AND OUR NEIGHBORS + +Everybody's house is better made by his neighbors. This philosophical +utterance occurs in one of those black-letter volumes which I purchased +with the money left me by my Aunt Susan (of blessed memory!). Even if +Alice and I had not fully made up our minds, after nineteen years of +planning and figuring, what kind of a house we wanted, we could have +referred the important matter to our neighbors in the confident +assurance that these amiable folk were much more intimately acquainted +with our needs and our desires than we ourselves were. The utter +disinterestedness of a neighbor qualifies him to judge dispassionately +of your requirements. When he tells you that you ought to do so and so +or ought to have such and such a thing, his counsel should be heeded, +because the probabilities are that he has made a careful study of you +and he has unselfishly arrived at conclusions which intelligently +contemplate your welfare. In planning for oneself one is too likely to +be directed by narrow prejudices and selfish considerations. + +Alice and I have always thought much of our neighbors. I suspect that +my neighbors are my most salient weaknesses. I confess that I enjoy +nothing else more than an informal call upon the Baylors, the Tiltmans, +the Rushes, the Denslows and the other good people who constitute the +best element in society in that part of the city where Alice and I and +our interesting family have been living in rented quarters for the last +six years. This informality of which I am so fond has often grieved +and offended Alice. It is that gentle lady's opinion that a man at my +time of life should have too much dignity to make a practice of +"bolting into people's houses" (I quote her words exactly) when I know +as well as I know anything that they are at dinner, and that a dessert +in the shape of a rhubarb pie or a Strawberry shortcake is about to be +served. + +There was a time when Alice overlooked this idiosyncrasy upon my part; +that was before I achieved what Alice terms a national reputation by my +discovery of a satellite to the star Gamma in the tail of the +constellation Leo. Alice does not stop to consider that our neighbors +have never read the royal octavo volume I wrote upon the subject of +that discovery; Alice herself has never read that book. Alice simply +knows that I wrote that book and paid a printer one thousand one +hundred dollars to print it; this is sufficient to give me a high and +broad status in her opinion, bless her loyal little heart! + +But what do our neighbors know or care about that book? What, for that +matter, do they know or care about the constellation Leo, to say +nothing of its tail and the satellites to the stellar component parts +thereof? I thank God that my hospitable neighbor, Mrs. Baylor, has +never suffered a passion for astronomical research to lead her into a +neglect of the noble art of compounding rhubarb pies, and I am equally +grateful that no similar passion has stood in the way of good Mrs. +Rush's enthusiastic and artistic construction of the most delicious +shortcake ever put into the human mouth. + +The Denslows, the Baylors, the Rushes, the Tiltmans and the rest have +taken a great interest in us, and they have shared the enthusiasm (I +had almost said rapture) with which Alice and I discoursed of "the +house" which we were going to have "sometime." They did not, however, +agree with us, nor did they agree with one another, as to the kind of +house this particular house of ours ought to be. Each one had a house +for sale, and each one insisted that his or her house was particularly +suited to our requirements. The merits of each of these houses were +eloquently paraded by the owners thereof, and the demerits were as +eloquently pointed out by others who had houses of their own to sell +"on easy terms and at long time." + +It was not long, as you can well suppose, before Alice and I were +intimately acquainted with all the weak points in our neighbors' +residences. We knew all about the Baylors' leaky roof, the Denslows' +cracked plastering, the Tiltmans' back stairway, the Rushes' exposed +water pipes, the Bollingers' defective chimney, the Dobells' rickety +foundation, and a thousand other scandalous details which had been +dinged into us and which we treasured up to serve as a warning to us +when we came to have a house--"_the_ house" which we had talked about +so many years. + +I can readily understand that there were those who regarded our talk +and our planning simply as so much effervescence. We had harped upon +the same old string so long--or at least Alice had--that, not +unfrequently, even we smilingly asked ourselves whether it were likely +that our day-dreaming would ever be realized. I dimly recall that upon +several occasions I went so far as to indulge in amiable sarcasms upon +Alice's exuberant mania. I do not remember just what these witticisms +were, but I daresay they were bright enough, for I never yet have +indulged in repartee without having bestowed much preliminary study and +thought upon it. + +I have mentioned our youngest son, Erasmus; he was born to us while we +were members of Plymouth Church, and we gave him that name in +consideration of the wishes of our beloved pastor, who was deeply +learned in and a profound admirer of the philosophical works of Erasmus +the original. Both Alice and I hoped that our son would incline to +follow in the footsteps of the mighty genius whose name he bore. But +from his very infancy he developed traits widely different from those +of the stern philosopher whom we had set up before him as the paragon +of human excellence. I have always suspected that little Erasmus +inherited his frivolous disposition from his uncle (his mother's +brother), Lemuel Fothergill, who at the early age of nineteen ran away +from the farm in Maine to travel with a thrashing machine, and who +subsequently achieved somewhat of a local reputation as a singer of +comic songs in the Barnabee Concert Troupe on the Connecticut river +circuit. + +Erasmus' sense of humor is hampered by no sentiment of reverence. For +the last five years he has caused his mother and me much humiliation by +his ribald treatment of the subject that is nearest and dearest to our +hearts. In fact, we have come to be ashamed of speaking of "the house" +in Erasmus' hearing, for that would give the child a chance to indulge +in humor at the expense of a matter which he seems to regard as +visionary as the merest fairy tale. Now Galileo and Herschel are very +different boys; they are making famous progress at the manual training +school. Galileo has already invented a churn of exceptional merit, and +Herschel is so deft at carpentering that I have determined to let him +build the observatory which I am going to have on the roof of the new +house one of these days. Galileo and Herschel are unusually proper, +steady boys. And our daughters--ah! that reminds me. + +Fanny is our oldest girl. She is going on fifteen now. She favors the +Bakers in appearance, but her character is more like her mother's side +of the family. If I do say it myself, Fanny is a beautiful girl. If I +could have _my_ way Fanny would be less given to the social amenities +of life, but the truth is that the dear creature naturally loves gayety +and is bound to have it at all times and under all conditions. Her +merry disposition makes her a favorite with all, and particularly with +her schoolmates. + +Now that I think of it, Willie Sears has been to see Fanny every +evening for the last week. I wonder whether Alice has noticed it; I +think I shall have to speak to her about it. Yet the probability is +that Alice will resent the suggestion which my mention of the matter +will convey. Alice has been saying all along that one particular +reason why our new house should be a large one is that there would then +be a room where Fanny could receive her company without being mortified +almost to death by Erasmus' horrid intrusion and still more horrid +remarks. At such times I forgive and adore Erasmus. It seems only +yesterday that I bought her a bisque doll at the World's Fair, a bisque +doll with pink eyes and blue hair, and now--oh, Fanny, are you no +longer our little girl? + +Still, we have Josephine, and I am sure she will honor us; for she was +born six years ago under the conjunction of Jupiter and Venus, and +while Mars was at perihelion. Moreover, she is the seventh daughter of +a seventh daughter, and there are those who believe that there is +especial virtue in that. I named her after the French empress, not +because I am a particular admirer of that remarkable but unfortunate +woman's character, but for the reason that upon one occasion she +secured a pension of eight hundred francs for the astronomer LeBanc, +who had already added to the sum of human happiness by locating an +asteroid near the left limb of the sun, and who subsequently discovered +a greenish yellow spot on the outer ring of the planet Saturn. I never +hear my dear little girl's voice or see her sweet face that I do not +think of the planet Saturn; and never in the solemn stillness of night +do I contemplate the scintillating glories of the ringed orb without +being reminded of the fair, innocent babe asleep in her little white +iron bedstead downstairs. + +This sentimental association of objects widely separated in space has +served to convince me that there is nothing, either in the heavens +above or in the earth beneath, that has not its use, both profitable +and pleasant. + + + + +III + +WE MAKE OUR BARGAIN KNOWN + +The Schmittheimer place has occasioned Alice and me many heartburnings +of envy the last three years. I recall that the first time we passed +it Alice exclaimed: "There, Reuben, is just the place for us!" I +agreed entirely with this proposition. The house stood back a goodly +distance from the street upon a prominence that gave it an extended +survey of the landscape, and afforded an exceptionally noble +opportunity for an unobstructed view of the heavens upon cloudless +nights. Alice particularly admired the lawn, for already she pictured +to herself the pleasing sight of little Josephine and little Erasmus at +play in the cool grass under the umbrageous trees. + +And now, having yearned and pined for this particular abiding-place a +many days, it was really ours! Alice told me about it--how she had +comprehended the bargain (for it was indeed a bargain!)--as we +proceeded together to inspect our new home. It seems that that very +morning, worn out with waiting and inflamed by a determination to do +Now or to perish in the attempt, Alice had sallied forth in quest of +the precious game. She had gone directly to the owner, had subtly +ingratiated herself in the confidence of Mrs. Schmittheimer, and, in +less than fifteen minutes' time, had made terms with that amiable +woman. And _such_ terms! My head fairly swims when I think of it. + +Mrs. Schmittheimer is a widow. Since her husband's demise two years +ago come next September, she has lived in comparative solitude in the +old home. She was not wholly alone, for with characteristic Teutonic +thrift she had rented the lower part of the house to a small family, +consisting of a mechanic, his wife, their baby, and a small dog. Mrs. +Schmittheimer herself lived and moved and had her being in the second +story, doing her own cooking and other housework, her only companion +being her faithful omnipresent cat, the sex of which (I state this for +a reason which will hereinafter transpire) was feminine. Although the +good Mrs. Schmittheimer was not unfrequently visited by female +compatriots who condoled with her and drank her coffee and ate her +kuchen, after the fashion of sympathetic, suffering womanhood, she +wearied of this loneliness; she was, in fact, as anxious to get away +from the old place as Alice and I were to get into it. + +So Alice and Mrs. Schmittheimer had little trouble in coming to an +understanding mutually agreeable. The late Mr. Schmittheimer had +always demanded the round sum of ten thousand dollars for the property +under discussion, but the prevalence of hard times and the persuasive +eloquence of my dear diplomatic Alice induced the late Mr. +Schmittheimer's relict to consent to a reduction of the price to nine +thousand five hundred dollars, "one thousand dollars in cash and the +balance in five years at six per cent. interest, payable semi-annually." + +"You see," said Alice to me, "that we practically get the place for +five years by simply paying rent. We pay one thousand dollars down and +fifty dollars a month interest. In five years there are sixty months. +and in that time we shall have paid for this place four thousand +dollars, which is but four hundred dollars more than we should have to +pay if we remained in the house we are now living in at sixty dollars a +month rental! You see, I have figured it all out, and figures can't +lie!" + +You will agree with me when I tell you right here that my wife Alice is +a superior woman. + +"Now we must be very careful," said Alice, "not to breathe a word about +this to anybody until all the papers have been signed and the property +has been transferred." + +I suggested that in so serious a proceeding it might be wise to have +the counsel of the more intimate of our neighbors; the Baylors, the +Rushes and the Tiltmans had had experience in such matters, and might +be of important service to us in this particular undertaking. + +"No," said Alice, "we must guard against every possibility of failure. +Our plan might leak out and reach the ears of the real-estate dealers, +and then we should be hopelessly lost. Our neighbors mean well, but +they are human. No, the only people I shall consult are the Denslows." + +I saw at once the wisdom of this determination. The Denslows are most +estimable folk and I admire and love them. Mrs. Denslow is of an +exceptionally warm, generous, and liberal nature, while, upon the other +hand, Mr. Denslow has the reputation of being the most cautious +business man in our city; the consequence is that in the administration +of affairs in the Denslow household you meet with that conservative +happy medium which is beautiful to contemplate. Alice was right; our +precious secret would be secure with the Denslows. In fact the +Denslows would be of distinct help to us in the vast enterprise in +which we had embarked. Mrs. Denslow would be prepared at all times to +provide sympathy and enthusiasm, and Mr. Denslow would be constituted +at once absolute engineer and watchdog of the business details of the +affair. + +But--I make the confession amid blushes--I cannot prevaricate, neither +can I dissemble. Alice knew the guilelessness and singleness of my +nature, and she should not have imposed that dreadful oath of secrecy +upon me. I would not for all the wealth of the Indies live over again +the awful four hours which followed my solemn promise to Alice not to +reveal the blissful tidings that we had bought the old Schmittheimer +place! I felt as if I had committed a crime; I was as a haunted man +must be. I dared not look my neighbors in the face lest they should +read the sweet truth in my honest eyes. + +Finally I broke completely down, for I could not stand it any longer. +I actually believe that if I had kept silent another hour the dreadful +consciousness of guilt would have swelled within me to such a bulk as +to have burst me into fragments, which would now be travelling around +aimlessly in space, like the lost Pleiad, or like the dismembered and +stray tail of a comet. So I called my next neighbor, Rush, out behind +his barn, and, under oath of secrecy, revealed the good news to him, +and then I did likewise by neighbor Tiltman, and so on, in seemly +progression, by all the other neighbors, until at last my confidence +had been securely reposed in every one. + +I cannot tell you what sweet relief I found in this proceeding. To my +killing consciousness of guilt succeeded a peace which passeth all +human understanding. There was a world of satisfaction, too, in being +assured by each of those dear neighbors that we (Alice and I) had got +the greatest bargain ever heard of, that we were the luckiest couple on +earth, that the old Schmittheimer place was just exactly what we +wanted, that the property would enhance double in value in less than a +year, etc., etc., etc. Oh, it is good to have such neighbors as ours +are! + +The Denslows were quite as glad as the others were to hear of our +bargain. Mrs. Denslow (bless her kind heart) began at once to picture +the veritable paradise into which it were possible to transform the +front lawn. In the exuberance of her fancy she portrayed winding +gravel walks among rose bushes and beds of gay flowers; rustic bowers +over which honeysuckle and ivy clambered; picturesque miniature Swiss +cottages in the trees for birds to nest in; an artificial lake well +stocked with goldfishes, and upon whose tranquil bosom a swan or two +would glide majestically through the mist of the fountain that +perennially would shower down its tinkling grace. + +It was very pleasing to hear Mrs. Denslow and Alice talk about these +things with that enthusiasm peculiar to their sex. Until "our house" +became a probability I did not really know with what rapidity it were +possible for women-folk to discuss and to decide even the most +insignificant details of the subject matter of their enthusiasm. As I +recall, in less than fifteen minutes' time after Alice had confided our +secret to Mrs. Denslow those two amiable and superior women had it +definitely settled what the color of the window shades was to be and +just how many brass-headed tacks would be required to fasten down the +new Japanese rug with which it was proposed to adorn the hardwood floor +of the library in the first story of "the addition" which had already +been determined upon. But Mrs. Denslow was no more prolific of lovely +suggestions than was Alice's widowed sister Adah, who has made her home +with us for the last two years. Adah's one o'ermastering ambition in +life has been to build a house. In the autumn of 1881 she saw in a +copy of "The National Architect" the picture and plans of a villa owned +by a plutocrat at Narragansett Pier. She preserved this paper as +sacredly as if it were one of the family archives, and upon the +slightest pretext she brought it forth and exhibited it and dilated in +extenso upon the surpassing advantages and beauties of the plutocratic +villa. + +When Adah learned that Alice and I had actually bought a place at last +she fairly wept for joy, and she excitedly produced her creased and +worn copy of "The National Architect" and besought us to remodel the +old Schmittheimer "rookery"--that is what she dared to call it--into a +villa! And when she was made to understand by means of numerous long +and earnest representations that a villa could not even be dreamed of +by poor folk, Adah was prepared to compromise the affair upon a basis +involving our promise to build a colonial house like Maria's house in +St. Jo. + +This Maria, whose name is forever upon Adah's tongue, had been Adah's +schoolmate back in St. Joseph, Missouri. Their friendship extended +through the blissful years of their early wedded life. And at the +present time they are as dear to each other as of yore. Adah +presupposes that everybody else knows who Maria is, and so everybody is +regaled perennially with Adah's loyal tributes to Maria's transcendent +virtues. Occasionally Alice (who is without doubt the sweetest-natured +creature in all the world) rebels against the example of Maria which +Adah continually holds forth. + +I have an instance just at hand. It could not have been more than half +an hour ago that I heard Adah say: "Alice, do you know I 've been +thinking about it all the morning, and I don't see how you 're going to +get along without a closet in that little east room up-stairs." + +"But," said Alice, "there seems to be no way of putting a closet into +that room." + +"Well, I think I 've hit on a plan," said Adah, and she produced a Mme. +Demorest pattern of a sleeve, upon which, with infinite pains, she had +traced certain lines with the wreck of a pencil which little Josephine +had tried to sharpen with the scissors. + +"Yes, I see," said Alice, amiably; "but that would cut in upon the +hall." + +"Well, Maria had to do the same thing when she made her house over," +said Adah, "and you 've no idea how nice it is." + +"I don't care _what_ Maria did," said Alice, bridling up. "This is +_my_ house, and I 'm not going to spoil a good hall by building any +skimpy little closets! That room will do for Erasmus, and he does n't +need any closet. So that is settled, once and forever!" + +I heard all this, myself, from the next room. I did not interfere at +all, for I make it a rule never to interpose in other people's +disagreements. I will admit, however, that it rather wounded me to +hear Alice call it "_my_ house" instead of _our_ house. + + + + +IV + +THE FIRST PAYMENT + +As for Mr. Denslow, he agreed with other friends and neighbors that in +our new old house we had secured a genuine bargain. But, as I have +already indicated, Mr. Denslow was no day-dreamer; he had a way of +viewing things that was severe in its practicality. + +Now, I am in no sense a business man; you may already have suspected +this truth. I am very far from being a fool, as those who have read my +numerous treatises (particularly my "Essay to Prove the Probability of +the Existence of an Atmosphere on the Other Side of the Moon") will +testify; but, having had little to do with the operations and methods +of trade and commerce, I am not (I admit it freely) an expert in what +in this great, bustling city of Chicago are termed affairs of the world. + +Mr. Denslow, upon the other hand, is keenly in touch with these +affairs; brought hourly during the day into contact and competition +with scheming--and not always scrupulous--men, he has acquired an +extensive knowledge of human nature of the rapacious type, and this +knowledge has made him wary, alert, prudent, and reserved. It is +perhaps this wide difference in our natures and our pursuits that has +attracted Mr. Denslow and me to each other; at any rate our friendship +has been profitable to both. Mr. Denslow's counsel upon several +important occasions has been of vast value to me, and I flatter myself +that upon one occasion at least I served Mr. Denslow to excellent +purpose. This was two years ago, when, as perhaps you remember, my +sun-spot theory was widely discussed by the newspaper press. I then +told Mr. Denslow that the recurrence of the sun spots would surely +induce a drought upon this planet, thereby causing a shortage in the +crops; whereupon Mr. Denslow "cornered the wheat market" (as the saying +is) and realized a handsome sum of money. + +Alice has long recognized Mr. Denslow's merits as a man of business; +she, too, has what, in lieu of a better term, our New England people +call faculty. So it was natural that after having drunk deep (so to +speak) at the fountain of Mrs. Denslow's enthusiasm, we should turn for +serious advice and practical counsel to _Mr._ Denslow. + +"This opportunity," said Mr. Denslow, "is one that comes only once in a +lifetime. You must not let it escape you. We should go at once to +Mrs. Schmittheimer and get her to sign an agreement to part with the +property upon the terms specified. In order to bind the agreement we +should pay her a small sum of money--oh, say one hundred dollars. The +receipt, in the form of an agreement or contract signed by her, will +bind the bargain in the contemplation of the law." + +"But it is after dark already," said Alice. "Wouldn't it seem rather +burglarious to make a descent upon the old lady at this hour?" + +"And what is more to the point," said I, "the detail (trifling as it +may appear) of planking down one hundred dollars is one which I happen +just at this moment to be unprepared to provide for." + +"The matter should be closed at once," said Mr. Denslow. "In a deal of +this kind delay is too often disastrous. As for the one hundred +dollars, I will lend you that amount, for a small cash payment is +really necessary to bind the bargain." + +My heart went out in gratitude to this noble gentleman. Never before +had I felt more keenly the value of neighborly friendship. + +"As this business is to be transacted in Mrs. Baker's name," said Mr. +Denslow to me, "it would be better for you not to go with us to see +Mrs. Schmittheimer. The presence of too many strangers might make the +old lady shy of doing what we want her to do. See?" + +Yes, I comprehended the intent of the suggestion, and I approved it. +While it was far from my desire to take any advantage of the Widow +Schmittheimer or of anybody else, I recognized the propriety of +conserving our own interests to the extent of suffering no rights of +our own to be either lost or jeoparded. So while Mr. Denslow and Alice +went upon their business mission I remained with Mrs. Denslow and her +interesting children and elucidated my theory of the ice-caps of the +planet Mars. In less than an hour Mr. Denslow and Alice returned and +exhibited with delight a receipt signed by Katherine Elizabeth +Schmittheimer, which receipt, I was glad to see, was practically a +contract to sell the property upon the terms specified in her original +talk with Alice. + +"The terms are certainly exceptionally advantageous!" said Mr. Denslow. +"It will take some time--perhaps a week or ten days--to investigate the +title; when this detail is satisfactorily disposed of you can pay down +your one thousand dollars and take possession of the premises." + +Pay down one thousand dollars? Ah, I had quite forgotten about that. +In my enthusiasm over the prospect of a home of our own, and in the +delirium induced by the delightful chatter about the paradise into +which that front lawn and that old rookery (as Adah called it) were to +be transformed, I had suffered all thought of the essential and +inevitable first payment of one thousand dollars to slip quite out of +my mind. Now this awful consideration, from which there could be no +escape, took complete and exclusive possession of me. Where in the +wide, wide world was I to get the one thousand dollars? + +This was the question I put to Alice on the way home from the Denslows' +that memorable evening. Alice knew as well as I did that my salary was +sufficient only to cover the current expenses of the family. She knew +as well as I did that the royalties from my books the last year were as +follows: + + "The Star Gamma in Leo and Its Satellite" . . . . . $1.60 + "Mars and Its Ice-Caps" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75 + "Probable Depth of the Bottle-Neck Seas as + Indicated by the Spectroscope" . . . . . . . . . .30 + "Logarithms for the Nursery" . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.15 + "Alphabetical Catalogue of Binary Stars" . . . . . . .65 + ----- + Total $4.45 + + +Alice knew, too, as well as I did, that the whole amount of money I +received from my lectures before the West Side Society for the +Diffusion of Knowledge did not exceed seventy dollars last year. She +knew all these things, and I told her so, and then I asked her where or +how she fancied we were going to raise the one thousand dollars for the +first payment on "our house." To my surprise, Alice was prepared--or +at least she seemed to be prepared for this question. + +"Reuben," said she, "I remember having heard Mr. Black say one day +during his visit to us last summer that we ought to have a home, and +that if we ever decided to buy one he would try his best to help us." + +Now that Alice spoke of it I, too, recalled that friendly remark of Mr. +Black's. A man who is drowning will catch at a straw. A man who has +bought a house with nothing to pay for it is also predisposed to +clutch. Our old friend Mr. Black now loomed up as my only sure +salvation. + +Mr. Black is upward of seventy years of age. He and my father went to +school together in Maine, and subsequently they lived near each other +in Cincinnati. Mr. Black had been a merchant; he had retired from +business rich. After my father's death, while I was still a boy, this +kind old friend was good to me, taking an interest in my work and my +welfare. He had no children of his own, and, if he did not regard me +almost as a son, I certainly grew to regard him almost as a father. +Mr. Black knew the value of money and respected it. He gave freely, +but only where he was assured it was deserved and would do actual good. +A prudent, careful, economical man himself, he encouraged prudence and +thrift in others. He never quite condoned what he regarded as +extravagance upon my part in buying my fifty pieces of mediaeval armor, +although it is to his munificence that I am indebted for the six-foot +telescope with which I am wont to scan the face of the heavens. + +The upshot of talks with Alice and Adah and the Denslows--to say +nothing of other neighbors with whom I confidentially consulted--the +upshot of these talks was that I determined to go to Cincinnati to +confer with Mr. Black upon the propriety of his advancing to me the +money wherewith Alice should make the first payment upon her--I mean +our house. To make short of a long story (for if there is one thing +that I despise above all others it is prolixity), I went to Cincinnati +and unfolded my business to my aged friend. Mr. Black appeared to be +in no indecent haste to satiate my craving. He is not, and never was, +a man of exuberant enthusiasms. I was rather pained when, upon +learning of the unparalleled bargain we had secured in the +Schmittheimer place, he did not go into raptures as did Mrs. Denslow, +and Mrs. Baylor, and Mrs. Tiltman and the rest of our neighbors at +home. So far from being carried away by any whirlwind of enthusiasm, +Mr. Black maintained a placidity of demeanor amounting to stoicism; he +plied me with questions about "titles," and "abstracts," and +"indentures," and "mortgages," and "liens," and "incumbrances," and +other things that I actually knew no more about than the veriest +Bushman knows about the theory of Nebulae. + +To add to my embarrassment he solicited explicit information about the +Schmittheimer place, in what subdivision it was located, and in what +township. Had I been a veritable human encyclopaedia I could hardly +have satisfied that man's greed for information touching that +particular spot. What knew I of tracts, of townships, of quarter +sections or of subdivisions? Were I filled with a knowledge of these +humdrum commonplaces, should I know aught of that enthusiasm which +thrills the being who, after many and long years of weary hoping and +waiting, sees the object of his desires just within his grasp? Should +Moses just in sight of the promised land be expected to give the +dimensions of that delectable spot, and to locate it and bound it and +map it off with the accuracy of a Rand & McNally township guide? + +I suppose that this conservatism is natural with some people--this lack +of fervor, this absence of enthusiasm. Still I will admit Mr. Black's +tranquillity--nay, his glacial composure--under the circumstances +surprised and grieved me. I did not understand why the prospect and +the promise of "our house" did not set Mr. Black--and, for that matter, +all the rest of humanity--into the selfsame transports of delight which +I experienced. Mind you, now, I am not complaining of nor am I finding +fault with Mr. Black. I am simply chronicling happenings and +observations. Mr. Black is a benevolent and beneficent man. He said +to me at last: "Well, you can tell Alice that I will send her a draft +for the money she needs, and within a fortnight I shall run up to take +a look at your purchase." + +I was in Cincinnati three days. I should have been there but two. A +curious happening detained me. As I was going to the railway station +from Mr. Black's house the evening of the second day I saw a man with a +reflector telescope selling views of the moon at five cents apiece. +The night was so auspicious for this diversion that I could not resist +the temptation. Thus seduced, the time sped so quickly and the +intoxication of the enjoyment was so complete that two hours slipped +away before I awakened to a realization of my folly, which cost me +somewhat over a dollar and a half, and compelled me to postpone my +departure for home to the next day. + + + + +V + +WE NEGOTIATE A MORTGAGE + +Alice and I supposed that as soon as we made that first payment upon +the old Schmittheimer place we should take possession of it. We had +hastened negotiations because naturally enough we were anxious to share +the delights of the Eden which was to be ours. It transpired all too +early in the proceedings, however, that the processes of the law are +exceedingly exacting and provokingly tedious. With the one thousand +dollars which Mr. Black gave us we fancied that we should be able to +say to the widow Schmittheimer: "Here is your money; now let us move +in." + +It seems that the business is not done in that business-like way. As +soon as the widow Schmittheimer contracted to part with her property at +a stated price and upon stated terms she awoke to a realization of the +fact that she ought to have the coöperation and counsel of a +lawyer--although for the life of me I cannot see what there was left +for a lawyer to do. With a magnanimity and generosity which bespoke +the largeness of his nature, Mr. Denslow volunteered his services as +counsellor to the wary widow, and I confess that I should have +interposed no objection to having this versatile friend serve in this +capacity. But the widow chose to decline the gratuitous services of +Mr. Denslow, and to pay fifty dollars for the professional advice of a +certain Lawyer Meisterbaum, not a bad fellow, but one of those carping, +superficial people who pretend to a conscientiousness and a prudence +and a zeal which they actually do not possess. + +After repeated meetings and the most annoying delays, Alice plainly +told this Lawyer Meisterbaum that he had more than earned his fee by +his puerile interferences with a prompt and amicable adjustment of the +affair. Alice and Mr. Denslow and I agreed that, if we had been left +to ourselves, we could have settled the business with the widow +Schmittheimer in half a day. However, I suppose that the lawyers must +have a chance to make a living, and I can readily understand how a +really conscientious lawyer might have the lingering remnant or +suggestion of a desire to impress his client with the suspicion that he +was earning his fee. + +For fully a fortnight after my return from Cincinnati we were harassed +by the delays of the law, or, more exactly speaking, by the +exasperating crochets of the lawyer. Meanwhile there came letters of +anxious inquiry from our munificent friend Mr. Black, for that +estimable person, being aware of my predilection for ancient armor and +other curios, found it difficult to disabuse his mind of the suspicion +that his one thousand dollars might have been diverted from its +original purpose, and misappropriated to what he esteemed the uses of +folly. So it was with a feeling of great relief that finally I +apprised our generous friend by telegraph that the transaction had been +closed. + +This end had not been reached, however, until Alice had put her +signature and her seal to a curiously-phrased document which served (as +I was told) as security to the widow Schmittheimer in case of "default +in payment of interest or principal." This instrument is called, as I +remember, a deed of trust, which seems to be another and a more polite +name for a mortgage. + +I protested against Alice's putting her signature to this document, +which I still recognize as a covert foe to our happiness and +prosperity. But Mr. Denslow assured us that the proceeding was wholly +proper and businesslike, and Alice paid no heed to my expostulations. +Never before had I had any experience in matters or with instruments of +this kind, and I will admit that I have not even now any idea of what +the purport of the document in question is, further than a distinct +intuition that its involved syntax and complex and cloudy phraseology +bode no good. + +As soon as the transaction was closed the widow Schmittheimer burst +into tears and loudly bewailed having parted with her home. I then +learned that for the last ten days she had been almost constantly +besieged by old friends of hers--the same who had been wont to consume +her coffee and her kuchen and who now regaled her (in compensation, as +it were, for her past hospitality) with reproachful assurances that she +had been virtually swindled out of her beautiful property. The grief +of this lonely and amiable woman touched me to the core, and I sought +to assuage her melancholy by telling her that we should expect her to +visit us, to which she replied amid tears and seeming gratitude that +she would be sure to call every September and March, these being the +months (as I afterward learned) in which the semi-annual interest, so +called, fell due. + +As you may suppose, while Alice and I, under the direction of Mr. +Denslow, were worrying ourselves nearly to death over the miserable +details of "closing" this transaction, our neighbors and Adah (Alice's +sister) busied themselves with planning improvements in and for our new +home. It was during this period that Adah met with one of those +sorrows which benumb the sensitive feminine heart. In a moment of +vandalism ever to be deprecated, little Erasmus discovered and took +possession of that copy of "The National Architect" which contained the +picture of the plutocratic villa at Narragansett Pier. This precious +relic was put by the heedless boy to the base use of serving as a tail +to a kite, and during one of the high winds the kite blew away, and +there was an end to Adah's most precious possession! Thus perished the +link that united Adah to the sweetest dream of her maturer years. + +However, this mishap did not wholly abate Adah's interest in our +affairs. In answer to Adah's solicitation a long letter had come from +Maria, bearing the blissful promise that a carefully made plan of +Maria's house of St. Joe (drawn by Maria herself upon a fly leaf +excerpted from Maria's favorite volume, "The Life of Mary Lyon") would +soon be forwarded for our enlightenment and delectation. Maria felt +kindly toward us, and her sympathies had been awakened to their very +depths by a tender souvenir Adah had sent her--a leaf plucked from one +of the lilac bushes on the old Schmittheimer place. Both Adah and +Maria belong to that old-school class of proper feminine folk who never +pick but always pluck flowers. + +Well, Adah and the neighbors kept as busy as a bee in a bottle planning +changes that they deemed necessary in our house. When we got through +with that dilly-dallying, shilly-shallying Lawyer Meisterbaum, Alice +and I found out that Adah and the neighbors had left little for us to +do except to approve their plans and pay for the execution thereof. + +There had been a kind of tacit understanding all along that such +changes as we made in the Schmittheimer house should be superintended +by an architect-carpenter who was cordially recommended by Mrs. +Denslow. This important person's name was Silas Plum, and he had a +shop in Osgood Avenue, opposite one of our most fashionable and most +prosperous cemeteries. Mrs. Denslow always called him Uncle Si, and +this circumstance rather prejudiced me in favor of him. The facts, +too, that Uncle Si was not overcrowded with business, that he was +considerate in his charges, and that he was of so great versatility +that he could boss the plumbing as well as the carpentering--these +facts confirmed us in the opinion that Uncle Si was just the man for +our needs. + +I went with Mrs. Denslow to call upon this gifted and honest son of +toil. His modest place of business was indicated to the passer-by by +this insinuating sign: + + SILAS PLUM, CARPENTER & BUILDER. + COFFIN BOXES A SPECIALITY. + + +I am not a superstitious person. I think I have already told you so. +Still I have instincts and intuitions; and you, who are not wholly dead +to the subtle influences of the more delicate sentiments, will probably +sympathize with me when I admit that Mr. Plum's sign did not inspire me +with that enthusiasm which is at least comforting to the possessor. +The reference to Mr. Plum's "speciality" was what cast a temporary +gloom over me, but Mrs. Denslow was not one of those who suffer a +detail so insignificant as this to stand in her way; so I was bounced +into Uncle Si's shop and presented to Uncle Si in propria persona. + +Uncle Si impressed me as being a very trustworthy man. He looked not +unlike myself; his gaunt, sinewy frame betokened severe practicability, +and his calm blue eyes and large straight mouth combined to give his +face an unmistakable and convincing expression of candor. Of speech he +was monosyllabic, and this peculiarity pleased me, for I have always +admired and always cultivated directness and terseness, there being +nothing else more distasteful to me than the prolixity, diffuseness, +pleonasm, amplification, redundance, and copia verborum of some people. +I told Uncle Si all about the new purchase we had made, and I drew upon +a pine board a fairly correct plan of the Schmittheimer house as it now +stood. I gave him to understand that numerous and important changes +were required, and that I desired to secure from him an estimate as to +the cost of those changes. + +"I can't tell how much it will be till I know what you want," said +Uncle Si. + +I recognized the justness of this remark, yet at the same time I felt +bitter toward Uncle Si for not knowing without being told. To tell the +truth, _I_ didn't know. I had heard Alice and Adah talking in a +general way about "closets" and a "new hall," and "hardwood floors" +and--and--and things of that kind; I remembered having heard some +discussion of a prospective "addition," and--yes--I now recalled that +the front porch would have to be rebuilt. Hoping to conceal my utter +ignorance, I told Uncle Si that we wanted "lots of changes," but this +would not satisfy the exasperating man; he insisted upon particulars, +upon "specifications," as he termed them. + +Of course I was unable to give them; so was Mrs. Denslow. The only +really distinct idea Mrs. Denslow had of the transformation +contemplated by Alice was one concerning the front lawn, and involving +gravel walks between flower beds and under umbrageous trees; exotics +perennially in bloom; Swiss tree boxes, from which the lark carolled by +day and the nightingale warbled at night; an artificial lake, in which +goldfishes swam and upon whose translucent bosom majestic swans glided +gracefully--I assure you that Mrs. Denslow has the soul of a poet! + +But these delightful fancies did not interest Uncle Si, because they +did not concern him or his trade. So we compromised the matter by +appointing an hour that evening for Uncle Si to call and talk it all +over with Alice. This was, seemingly, the only way out of the dilemma. +All I knew was what I didn't want, or, rather, what _we_ didn't want. +Our many and long and earnest conversations with the neighbors had +determined numerous important points. We didn't want a roof like the +Baylors' roof; nor water-pipes like the Rushes'; nor backstairs like +the Tiltmans'; nor plastering like the Denslows'; nor dormer-windows +like the Carters'; nor a kitchen sink like the Plunkers'; nor smoky +chimneys like the Bollingers'; nor a skimpy little conservatory like +the Mayhews'--in fact, there were so many things we _didn't_ want that +it seemed to me that if Uncle Si had been moderately ingenious or had +given his imagination full rein, he might have guessed what we _did_ +want, and so have gone ahead without fear of incurring our displeasure. + +It was perhaps better, however, that, before undertaking his task, +Uncle Si should require some hint or intimation of what would be +expected of him. I am the last man in the world to discourage what is +ordinarily regarded and accepted as reasonable precaution against +embarrassment and adversity. + + + + +VI + +I AM BESOUGHT TO BUY THINGS + +Alice had her talk with Uncle Si and issued therefrom with the +conviction that Uncle Si was a paragon of integrity and carpentering +skill. As for Uncle Si, he must have gathered together a pretty fair +general idea of what Alice wanted, for he promised to return the next +day with plans and details and with an estimate of what the +contemplated improvements would cost. + +Meanwhile another complication had arisen. The people to whom the +widow Schmittheimer had rented the lower part of the house declined to +vacate the premises unless we paid them a bonus of fifteen dollars. +Alice indignantly protested that we had no fifteen dollars to throw +away, and I recognized the truth of this proposition. Still, a visit +to the recalcitrant tenants convinced me that they were poor folk and +could ill afford to bear the expense of moving. Another circumstance +that made me feel rather kindly toward these people was that their name +was Mitchell, and, although they made no such claim, it pleased me to +fancy that they were of kin to that distinguished family which has +contributed so largely to the glory of native astronomical research. + +Actuated, therefore, by the most honorable impulses, I gave these +people fifteen dollars which I borrowed for that purpose from my most +estimable neighbor, Mrs. Tiltman, upon the understanding that I should +pay it back when I heard from "The Sidereal Torch," to which +publication I had sent a carefully prepared essay on Encke's comet. In +this wise a matter which might have caused us much delay and vexation +was quickly and amicably disposed of. I did not tell Alice of what I +had done, for although Alice is (as I have already assured you) the +most amiable of her sex, she cannot brook what she regards as an +imposition, and this inclination to resent seeming overbearance in +others has not unfrequently put us to expense and involved us in +embarrassment. + +Another episode which is still fresh in my memory I cannot forbear +relating. Alice came to me one day not long ago--it was perhaps three +weeks since--and insisted that I should attend to having the correct +name of the avenue in which we were to live put upon the lamp-posts at +the corners of that avenue. I could not guess what Alice meant until +she informed me that, although the name of that thoroughfare had by +ordinance of the City Council been changed from Mush Street to +Clarendon Avenue, the old name of Mush Street had (by a singular +inadvertence) been suffered to remain upon the lamp-posts along that +highway. + +"The idea!" cried Alice, indignantly. "Do you suppose I would live +upon Mush Street? Do you suppose I ever would have bought that house +and lot if I had suspected even for a moment that they were not in +Clarendon Avenue? Mush Street is just horrid--everybody else thinks +so, and I know it! I won't have it Mush Street; it's Clarendon Avenue, +and I 'm going to have Clarendon Avenue engraved on my cards! Reuben, +you must see at once that the lamp-posts are changed." + +I confess that so far as I myself am concerned it matters not whether +my abiding place be in Mush Street or in Clarendon Avenue so long as I +am comfortably bedded and fed and my family are well provided for. +Names are, at best, arbitrary things. Moreover, I was well aware (and +you will see for yourself if you consult a map of our city) that that +thoroughfare which has been renamed Clarendon Avenue is actually Mush +Street, or, at any rate, a continuation of Mush Street. However, I had +a regard for that sense of feminine pride which made Alice revolt +against Mush Street. I am aware that the conspicuous characteristics +of Mush Street for many miles are goats and fortune-tellers and coal +yards and rumshops and midwiveries; these glaring features are by no +means such as the élite of our society care to affect. Conceding that +my indifference to these idiosyncrasies should not be suffered to stand +in the way of the natural current of Alice's womanly pride, I promised +to do my best toward effecting what Alice required, and I am now +engaged upon a memorial to the Mayor and the Board of Aldermen praying +that the lamp-posts in Clarendon Avenue be purged of that lettering +which suggests the commonplace antecedents of that thoroughfare. + +I find that Alice is not alone in her wretchedness. It appears that +our friends Lawyer Miles and Mr. Redleigh and their families are at +present engaged in the momentous task of getting the name of the street +in which they live changed from Cemetery Avenue to Sportland Place. +And our other friends two blocks west of us are greatly agitated just +now because the name of their aristocratic thoroughfare has, by a whim +of the municipal authorities, been changed from Alexander Avenue to +Osgood Street. I have mentioned these facts to Alice, but no sense of +that sympathy which is said to arise from the companionship of misery +seems to reconcile my dear wife to the plebeian association which the +mere mention of Mush Street suggests. + +The Sunday morning after we had actually bought the Schmittheimer place +the city newspapers made a record of the event in their "society +column," and added that it was "understood that in their beautiful new +home Prof. and Mrs. Baker would entertain lavishly." I was inclined to +take exception to this item, which I regarded as a vulgar parade of our +private affairs; moreover, the innuendo was wholly untruthful. Alice +and I did not intend to "entertain" at all; we could not afford to +"entertain." What would Mr. Black say if by chance he were to get hold +of a copy of any of those Sunday morning newspapers and read that +mendacious paragraph? He would not only lament the one thousand +dollars which he had just advanced; worse than that, he would forever +shut down on those other acts of similar generosity which, I am free to +say, Alice and I counted among the pleasing probabilities of the near +future. + +I repeat that this untruthful notoriety through the medium of the +"society column" displeased me, and I am sure I should have spoken my +mind very freely about it if I had not heard Alice reading the item +with evident gusto to her sister Adah. My amazement was increased when +Alice asked me to secure a dozen extra papers for her, as she wished to +send marked copies to certain fashionable society acquaintances and to +several other relatives in Maine! I can picture the rural astonishment +with which Cousin Jabez Fothergill of Biddeford Pool and the Strattons +of North Moosehead will read of our good fortune. I more than half +suspect that in a moment of triumphant revenge and in a spirit of cruel +malice Alice sent a copy of the paper to Miss Mears at Pocatapaug. +Miss Mears is little to me now, but once I called her Hepsival, and +even after these many years of separation I would fain undo any act of +spite which her successful rival, Alice, might attempt. + +The Monday following the publication of this strangely malevolent item +was an unusually busy day with me. I seemed suddenly to have become +the target of every man who had anything to sell. I was waited upon by +fruit-tree venders, lightning-rod agents, fire underwriters, plumbers, +gas-fitters, painters, and an innumerable army of persons having +horses, cows, pigs, chickens, shade trees, patent hitching posts, +smoke-consumers, Pasteur filters, shrubbery, lawn statuary, fancy +poultry, garden utensils, and patent paving to dispose of. I really +cannot realize how I got rid of them all, for a more affable and +persuasive lot of gentlemen I never before had met with. Come to think +of it, I have not got rid of them. They continue to cultivate my +acquaintance and on account of their attentions (polite but persistent) +I have been compelled to lay aside temporarily my investigation into +the character of the atmosphere around Aldebaran, a most delicate work +upon which I am hoping to rear the superstructure of my fame. + +I admit that these attentions rather flatter me; it is possible that +after a time--say a year or two--I may weary of the courteous gentleman +who is now seeking to sell me a dozen apple-trees, one-third cash, +balance in ten years. I may, in the lapse of time, become indifferent +to the blandishments of him who daily for the last two months has been +trying to convince me that I cannot reach the summum bonum of human +happiness until I have invested four dollars in Perkins' patent +automatic garden rake and step-ladder combination. The gentleman who +has the smoke-consumer, the gentleman who deals in shrubbery, the +gentleman who advocates lightning rods, and the other gentlemen who +represent the tantamount interests of lawn statuary, fancy poultry, +patent paving, etc., etc., etc.--I may, in the flight of years, become +insensible to their charms, for there is no change that is not rendered +possible by the capricious offices of Time. But at present I can +hardly realize how these people can ever be other than they now +are--near to me, as I know, and dear to me, as I feel. + +I did not suspect, before I became a householder, that the mere +possession of property was capable of making a man an object of such +unflagging interest to his fellow creatures. I find it very +pleasing--the solicitude with which these newly-made acquaintances (the +venders, agents, and other polite gentlemen) regard me, and attend upon +me, and seek to gain my approval. It is sweet to be beloved. + +In the very height of this enjoyment, however, there are considerations +which serve to cause me feelings of disquietude. My conscience +constantly reproves me for the deception which I am practising upon +these people. It occurred to me several weeks ago that I had no right +to pose as the proprietor of our new house. The new house and its +circumadjacent real estate belong not to me, but to Alice and to her +heirs and assigns forever. I have no proprietary rights in that house +or upon that expansive lawn; If I am there, it is simply as a piece of +furniture, like the stove, or the clock, or the centre-table. I am +simply tolerated, perhaps as an object of ornament, perhaps as an +object of use. This is a humiliating confession; the thought that it +is actually true pains me poignantly. + +I never supposed I was a moral coward, but I must be; otherwise I would +weeks ago have called an open-air mass-meeting of the apple-tree +agents, the fire-underwriters, the patent pavers and the others, and +confessed to them that their attentions were misdirected, and that I +was not in fact _the_ fortunate being whose lot they sought to better. + +A strangely craven consideration withheld me from this manly course. I +suspected that as soon as I divulged the truth I would be forsaken by +this troupe--this retinue of unctuous courtiers. In my imaginings I +beheld myself deserted and alone, while the vast army of my quondam +attendants and flatterers tagged after and surrounded and fawned upon +Alice, the real purchaser and actual owner of our new place! + +I make a candid exposition of these things, not more for the purpose of +relieving my conscience of its long pent-up misery than for the purpose +of disclosing that which may happily serve as a warning to my +fellow-beings. I long ago discovered that one of the compensations of +human folly is the example which that folly affords for the discreet +guidance of others. + + + + +VII + +OUR PLANS FOR IMPROVEMENTS + +The result of the numerous conferences between Alice and Uncle Si was +rather surprising to me. It involved the expenditure of somewhat more +than three thousand dollars. However, a letter had been received from +our beneficent friend, Mr. Black, in which that estimable gentleman +expressed the conviction that we ought not to try to live in a house +that did not have the ordinary conveniences of a modern city home, and +that we should add whatever improvements we deemed necessary to our +comfort; these pleasing expressions of opinion were supplemented by the +still more pleasing intimation that Mr. Black would advance us whatever +sum was necessary to the provision of the changes and innovations we +deemed expedient. It was evident that Mr. Black was most kindly +disposed toward us; at the same time our munificent patron took +occasion to caution us against extravagance and to impress upon us a +sense of the necessity of constant and rigorous economy--"especially +and particularly in the direction of those vanities which simply +gratify an individual whim, and are of no practical value whatsoever." + +Alice read this last sentence aloud to me several times, for it +expressed exactly her opinion of my fondness for mediaeval armor. I am +making no complaint of the sly satisfaction which Alice seemingly takes +in twitting me with my weakness. I expect to have a glorious revenge +by and by when we move into our new house, and when Alice discovers how +very appropriate and ornamental my mediaeval armor will be, set up +against the walls and in the corners of the front hall. + +Fortified by the letter from Mr. Black, we had little difficulty in +planning the most charming improvements. I make use of the plural +personal pronoun, although if I were testifying upon oath I should feel +compelled to admit that I myself had precious little to do with the +planning. It grieved me considerably to observe that while the +neighbors generally, and Mrs. Denslow particularly, were diligently +consulted as to every detail of the new house, an expression of my +wishes, views, and advice was not only not solicited, but, when +volunteered, seemed to be regarded as an impertinence. It occurred to +me at such times that prosperity by no means improved Alice's temper, +but I should perhaps have taken into consideration the circumstance +that this particular period was one of exceptional excitement, and that +had the same sense of responsibility which burdened Alice been put upon +me, I, too, should have exhibited an irritability wholly foreign to my +nature under normal conditions and environments. + +It was determined to reconstruct certain parts of the old Schmittheimer +residence and to build an addition of two stories, the first-floor room +to be devoted to the purposes of a library or living room, and the room +in the second story to be Alice's bed-chamber. A vast number of +closets were contemplated, for, as you are presumably aware, woman-kind +are passionately fond of closets, and happy, thrice happy, is the +husband who is accorded the inestimable boon of suspending his Sunday +suit from a nail therein. As for myself, I have always regarded the +average closet as an ingenious device of the evil one for the +propagation and encouragement of moths. + +Among other contemplated innovations were a butler's pantry and a +conservatory. I approved of the latter, but not of the former. I +foresaw in that butler's pantry a pretext, if not a reason, for the +purchase of china, crockery, and glassware, to be used only when we had +company and to be hidden away at other times until broken by careless +servants. + +A conservatory had for years been one of my most pleasing desires. +Although I know little of them, I am fond of flowers, particularly of +those which others care for and which do not breed or abound in +creeping things. But the use to which I was ambitious to put my--or +our--conservatory was that of an aviary. I love all pet birds, and one +of my sweetest day dreams has been that which possessed me of a large +glass room or bower well stocked with canaries, linnets, bullfinches, +robins, wrens, Java sparrows, love birds, and paroquets. I have often +pictured to myself the delight I should experience in entering into +this heaven of song and in caressing these feathered pets, in feeding +them and in teaching them pretty tricks and games. I recall those +pleasant boyhood days when a pet crow, and a flock of pigeons, and two +baby hawks afforded me rapture and solicitude combined. Then followed +an experience with a matronly hen and her brood of chicks. + +I am not ashamed to say that I loved these friends of my youth and that +I still reverence their memories. Nor am I ashamed to tell you that +for several years after I reached maturity a particular object of my +affections was a wee canary bird that sang sweet songs to me and played +daintily with my finger whenever I thrust it into the little rascal's +cage. Alice insists that I actually cried when that silly little +creature died; may be I did, for I am a very, very foolish fellow. + +One of the things I have never been able to understand is why Alice, +with all her gentleness and tenderness, has so violent an antipathy to +bird and brute pets. Alice actually seems to dislike birds and dogs +with the same zeal with which I love them. At times--you will hardly +believe it--Alice has exhibited Neronian cruelty and hardness of heart. +I remember that on one occasion she caught a harmless, innocent little +blue mouse in the pantry. She fully intended to drown the helpless +creature--as if this world were not big enough for mice and men to live +and be happy in! I had great difficulty in rescuing the tiny rodent +from his captor, and I remember the satisfaction I had in giving him +his liberty under the kitchen porch of neighbor Rush's house next door. + +At first Alice was kindly disposed toward the conservatory scheme, but +in an unguarded moment one day I chanced to breathe a suggestion that a +combination conservatory-bird cage would do very nicely, and that +settled the fate of my pleasant dreamings forever. + +But I seldom argue these things with Alice. The conservatory is now a +shattered dream, and the butler's pantry is inevitable. The graceful +alcove, which was to have been the conservatory (with aviary features), +is to be provided with a permanent, stationary seat which Adah is to +upholster in a pattern which Maria has promised to send from St. Joe. +Whenever I think of it there rise up before my mind's eye visions of +stolen meetings in that alcove, and whispered interviews, in which I +fancy I see our daughter Fanny figuring as an active participant, and +then I devoutly pray that little Erasmus' vigilance may be increased a +thousand-fold. + +I was informed in good time that the library was to be virtually the +living-room for the family. It was here that casual callers were to be +received and entertained; here the errand boys who delivered packages +from the downtown shops were to leave their goods and get their +receipts; here the laundryman was to wait every Monday morning while +Adah gathered up my hebdomadal bundle of linen for the wash; here were +the children to gather for a frolic every evening after the humble +vesper meal. + +I am wondering whether Alice and Adah and the neighbors will approve of +my dearly cherished plan to have one of the tall clocks stationed in +one corner, and my very old Suffolk oak table in another corner, and in +still another the curious old sofa which Aunt 'Gusty has promised to +send me from Darien, Georgia. I am painfully aware that Alice and Adah +and the neighbors regard the beautiful furniture in which I delight as +"old trumpery." + +When we first looked at the Schmittheimer place Alice exclaimed, upon +being ushered into one of the rooms: "Now this is just the room for +Reuben and his old trumpery!" It is twenty-two feet long and eighteen +feet wide, and there are windows to the north, west, and south. +Curiously enough, the chimney runs up through the middle of this room, +presenting an appearance at once novel and grotesque. Alice assures me +that this will prove a unique and charming feature, for she intends to +put innumerable shelves around the chimney, and place thereon the +interesting and valuable curios, the purchase of which has kept me +involved in financial embarrassment for the last twenty years. + +Alice has settled it in her own mind just where in my new room each bit +of my beloved furniture shall be located--the mahogany chest of +drawers, the old secretary, the four-post bedstead, the haircloth +trunk, the oak book-case, the corn-husk rocker, the cuckoo clock, the +Dutch cabinet--yes, each blessed piece has already had its place +assigned to it, even to the old red cricket which Miss Anna Rice sent +me from her Connecticut home twelve years ago. I am indeed the most +fortunate of men; for who but my Alice _could_ be so sweet and +self-abnegatory as to take upon her own dear little shoulders the +burden of responsibilities that elsewise would weigh upon her husband? + + + + +VIII + +THE VANDALS BEGIN THEIR WORK + +At the regular April meeting of the Lake Shore Society of Antiquarians +I met my old and valued friend, Belville Rock, and told him of the +important venture which Alice had made. He seemed greatly pleased at +the prospect of our having a home of our own, and after making careful +inquiries into the extent and character of the improvements we +contemplated he bade me tell Alice that he wanted to pay the bill for +the painting of the exterior of the house. "I desire to do somewhat +toward beautifying your premises," said he, "and I don't know that I +can do better than to paint the house. You understand, of course, that +my long and intimate acquaintance with you and Alice warrants me in +proposing as a friendly act what elsewise might be regarded as an +impertinence." + +I hastened to assure Mr. Rock that both Alice and I knew him to be +utterly incapable of any word or deed that could by any means be +misconstrued into an impertinence. We had known this amiable gentleman +for the period of twenty years. It was he who proposed me for +membership of the Lake Shore Society of Antiquarians, and it was he who +provided the means wherewith I published my first book, entitled "A +Critical View of the Causes of Eclamptic and Traumatic Idiocy." + +This was at the time in my career when I supposed I had good reason to +believe that all human mental and physical ills are directly traceable +to the influence of the moon, which theory was suggested to me by the +discovery that cabbages thrive when planted in the first quarter of the +moon and invariably pine when planted in the full of the moon. I am +still more or less of a believer in this theory, and it is my purpose +to renew my investigations and experiments in this direction, +particularly so far as cabbages are involved, for I mean to have a +kitchen garden (with Alice's permission) as soon as we move into our +new place in Mush Street--pardon me, I mean Clarendon Avenue. + +Belville Rock has always exhibited a friendly interest in me and my +welfare. He is president of a savings bank and is concerned in +numerous mercantile and speculative enterprises. He belongs to many +clubs and social organizations, and is president of the Sons of +Vermont, the Sons of New York, the Sons of Rhode Island, the Sons of +Michigan, and the other Sons who have effected formal organizations in +this city. He is treasurer of most of the current enterprises and he +is recognized as a leader of distinct influence in the several +political parties which control public affairs locally. + +Mr. Rock commands the happy faculty of divorcing himself wholly from +business during those hours which he has dedicated to sociability. He +declines to discuss monetary matters outside his room at the bank. I +recall how, upon several occasions when I have approached him upon the +delicate subject of negotiating a trifling temporary loan, he has +dismissed the matter by reminding me that he had certain days which he +set apart for business of this character, and that at other times he +devoted himself exclusively to the consideration of other things. + +I recall, too, that after persistent inquiry (having, possibly, selfish +ends in view), I learned from Cashier Bolton, who is Mr. Rock's +marble-hearted alter ego, that Mr. Rock's hours for the consideration +of all applications for personal accommodations were from 7.55 to 8 +a.m., every other Thursday. This may strike the average person as a +unique singularity, but I find it easy to understand how a man so +numerously interested in affairs as Mr. Rock is should find it +imperative to regulate his business and social conduct with the most +methodical and most exacting system. + +You can depend upon it that I lost no time in apprising Alice and Adah +and our neighbors of Mr. Rock's munificent proposition, and I hardly +need assure you that by all Mr. Rock's generosity was warmly applauded. +The incident gave rise to a new phase in the sequence of events, for +immediately a discussion arose as to the color which we ought to paint +our new house, and this discussion continued with increasing vigor for +several days. Adah was characteristically earnest in her advocacy of a +soft cream yellow, that being the shade adopted by Maria when she +repainted her St. Joe domicile--a soft cream yellow, with the blinds in +a delicate brown, that was Adah's choice as inspired by her memory of +Maria's habitation. The Baylors suggested a poetic grayish tint, which +they insisted would look specially pretty through the foliage of the +fine old trees in the front yard. The Tiltmans preferred a light +brown, and the Rushes a bright yellow. As for Mrs. Denslow, she raised +her voice in favor of "white, with green blinds," for, as she wisely +argued, it was not possible to find a more appropriate combination for +a house that had been a farmhouse and that would retain (even after we +had rehabilitated it) the most salient characteristics of a farmhouse. + +Alice and I agreed with Mrs. Denslow (as we generally do), and our +determination was confirmed when we subsequently learned, upon inquiry +of Mr. Krome, the painter, that white paint was as expensive a paint as +could be selected. It was our desire, in our choice of paint, to do +nothing likely to lessen or to detract from the lustre of the +princeliness of Mr. Rock's liberality. Mr. Rock had set no limitations +to his munificence; far be it from us to do that which might be +construed wrongfully as inappreciation of that munificence. It was the +part of friendship to premise that Mr. Rock's intentions were large, +and then it behooved us to see that those intentions were carried out +upon a scale of equal scope. We decided, therefore, that the paint +should be white, and that it should be carriage paint. + +Uncle Si had advised us to have plenty of light and air admitted to +"the addition" by means of numerous windows. According to the rude +plan he submitted for Alice's approval, "the addition" when completed +would have looked like a collection of windows of every size and shape. +This was before Mr. Rock offered to paint the house. After Mr. Rock's +proposal was made to and accepted by us it occurred to us that it would +result in a considerable saving to us if we were to limit the number of +windows and devote the space (thus economized) to clapboarding. This +would involve a larger expense upon Mr. Rock's part, but it could not +be denied that Mr. Rock could better afford paying for paint than we +could afford paying for window frames and glass. + +I think it likely that I should have called on Mr. Rock to learn his +preference in the matter had the "every other Thursday" been nearer at +hand. But Mr. Krome, the painter, and Uncle Si, the boss carpenter, +required a speedy decision, and so we went ahead without consulting our +munificent friend. Mr. Krome thereupon volunteered to do our painting +by the square yard, instead of by the square foot (as is the customary +proceeding); he admitted, with a candor rarely met with in his +profession, he could as well afford to do our house in white carriage +paint by the square yard as other rival painters could afford to do it +in common white lead by the square foot. I assured Mr. Krome of my +determination to spare no pains to coöperate with him in every honest +and ambitious endeavor at Mr. Rock's expense. + +So now, the widow Schmittheimer having vacated the premises, the work +of rehabilitation began in earnest. Men with wheelbarrows and spades +and picks made their appearance and started in to demolish walls and to +excavate sand at a marvelous rate. Presently a cavernous space yawned +where it was proposed to locate the cellar where the steam-heating +apparatus was to stand. The sand taken from this spot was harrowed out +and dumped in a pile over the horse-radish bed in the back yard. + +This was the first piece of vandalism I noticed, and I protested +against it. Not long thereafter I discovered that the workmen engaged +at battering down the partitions in the upper part of the house were +piling up the refuse scantling and laths on the currant and gooseberry +bushes in the side yard. I protested again, and so I kept on +protesting, for hardly a day passed that I did not detect the workmen +about that house at some piece of lawlessness jeoparding the cherry +trees, or the lilac bushes, or the tulips, or the roses, or the +peonies, or the asparagus bed. + +Cui bono--to what good? With as much effect might the wild man of +Borneo rail at Capella because her silvery, twinkling light is +seventy-one years in reaching this distant planet. + +I am unalterably opposed to the wanton destruction of life. Moreover, +it seems to me that the trees, the shrubbery, the vines and the flowers +on the Schmittheimer place have certain rights which the invaders ought +to respect. At any rate, I spent the better part of two days +transplanting a number of the currant and gooseberry bushes, and +although I had a stiff neck and a very lame back for a considerable +time thereafter I felt more than compensated therefor by the conviction +that I had saved the lives of friends who would duly give me practical +proof of their gratitude. + +There were certain acts of lawlessness that I could neither prevent nor +repair. One grieved me particularly. The plumber hitched his horse to +a tree in the front yard one morning, and, before the damage he had +done was discovered, the herbivorous beast had eaten up a white lilac +bush and a snowball bush, thus completing a destruction for which there +would seem to be no compensation. Upon another occasion a stray cow +invaded the premises and laid waste the tulip bed and chewed off the +tender buds on the choicest of the rose bushes. + +But the most extensive and the most hideous depredations were committed +by human beings under pretext of necessity and of interest in my +behalf. I refer now to those remorseless men who came first and tore +up the beautiful lawn and cut away the roots of trees and digged a +deep, long pit in which to lay sewer pipes; who came again and +committed another similar atrocity under plea of laying a water-pipe; +who came still again and for the third time abused and seared and +seamed and blighted that lawn for the alleged purpose of laying a +gas-pipe! O civilization! what crimes are committed in thy name! + +These experiences sobered and saddened me to a degree that was +strangely new to me. At times I felt embittered against all the world. +But as there is no cloud that has not its silver lining, so there were +pleasant little happenings which ever and anon seemed to relieve my +despondency. On one occasion Uncle Si said to me cheerily: "We 're +going to have good luck from this time on." "What do you mean?" I +asked. "Come along with me and see for yourself," said he. + +Uncle Si led the way into the house and down into the basement. He +pointed to an old valise that, spread open, lay under the stairs amid +the débris which the masons had left. + +"That 's what I mean," said Uncle Si, "and it brings good luck every +time!" + +I saw that the old and abandoned valise contained a tabby cat at whose +generous dugs six wee kittens were tugging industriously. The widow +Schmittheimer had left her home and gone elsewhere, but faithful tabby +remained behind, true to that instinct which makes the feline +unalterably loyal to locality. + +I never before liked cats; I have always positively disliked them +because they kill birds. Yet, do you know, I actually felt my heart go +out in tenderness to this particular mother tabby and her mewing kits. +It occurred to me, as she lay there, blinking and purring in apparent +amiability and in evident pride, that here at least was a cat that +would not kill birds; if so, I would adopt her, and as for the +kittens--yes, I would adopt them, too. + +I made up my mind that I would name the kittens after my most intimate +neighbors; one should be Baylor, another Tiltman, another Rush, a +fourth Denslow, the fifth Browe, and the sixth Roth. I am sorry there +are not two more, for I should like to honor my two munificent patrons, +Mr. Black and Mr. Rock. But there must be a limit to human +possibilities. As for the mother cat herself, there was but one thing +for me to do; I had to name her Alice, of course. + + + + +IX + +NEIGHBOR MACLEOD'S THISTLE + +The incident of the tabby cat's appearance with six kittens may have +been a portent either of good or of evil. As you know, I am not a +superstitious person. I smile at those whimsical fancies which figure +so conspicuously in many people's lives, such as the howling of dogs, +the flickering of a candle, the arrangement of the grounds in a cup, +the cracking of a mirror, the sudden stopping of the clock, the crowing +of hens, the chirping of crickets, the hooting of an owl, the fall of a +family portrait, the spilling of salt, a dream of the toothache, etc., +etc., etc. If this particular cat had been black instead of tabby I +should have regarded her advent as a prognostic, for it is conceded by +all scientists that there is a mysteriously subtle virtue in a black +cat. + +The fact, however, that she was tabby dispossessed her of all power +either for evil or for good, and I could not help regarding Uncle Si +with pity for the seeming veneration in which he held this harmless and +innocent beast. Still I determined to watch and note events with a +view to confuting the superstition which foresaw good luck in the +presence of this cat and her offspring. + +While the work of rehabilitating the old house was at its height I +received a letter from my friend Byron Tinkle of Kansas City, +congratulating me upon having secured so lovely a home after so many +years of patient waiting. "And now," said he, "I am anxious to be +represented by some bit of furniture in your new place. It has +occurred to me that a handsome library table might be acceptable, and +it would certainly delight me to present you with an object which would +serve to remind you of your old schoolmate, whose affection for you has +been abated neither by separation nor by the lapse of time." + +Mr. Tinkle then went on to say that he had hit upon a very appropriate +design for a library table--a design full of historical and +mythological allusion. Four figures of Atlas supporting the world were +to serve as the legs of this table, and around the sides of the top +were to be carved scenes illustrative of the progress of civilization +since the building of Solomon's temple. Upon the four edges of the top +were to be inlaid mosaic portraits of the most famous scientists, +including Aesculapius, Moses, Galileo, Darwin, Herschel, Mitchell, +Huxley, Harvey, Jenner, etc., and the top itself was to represent a +cunningly devised map of the world, in which my native town of +Biddeford, Maine, was to appear as the central and most conspicuous +figure. + +I felt very grateful to my old friend Tinkle for his generosity, but I +said nothing of it to Alice. Recalling the experience with Colonel +Mullaly's yellow lamp, I suspected that if Alice were to hear of this +promised addition to our furniture she would surely change the whole +architectural scheme of our new home in order to adapt it to the new +centre table. + +Mr. Tinkle's princely offer was but the beginning of a series of +handsome and useful gifts. It seemed as if our friends no sooner heard +of our purchase of a home than they became possessed of a desire to +contribute toward embellishing that home. Another Kansas City friend, +Colonel Gustave Gerton, late of the Bavarian Guards, telegraphed me +that a dozen young apple trees, carefully picked from his Nonpareil +Nursery, awaited my order. The Janowins, who have a prosperous farm in +Kentucky, duly apprised us that when we were ready to stock our place +they would send us a heifer and a litter of pigs. Cousin Jabez +Fothergill forwarded to us all the way from Maine a box which was found +to contain a pint of Hubbard squash seeds, a dozen daffodil sprouts, +and a goodly collection of catnip roots. Offers of dogs came from +numerous quarters--dogs representing the mastiff, bloodhound, +Newfoundland, beagle, setter, pointer, St. Bernard, terrier, bull, +Spitz, dachshund, spaniel, colly, pug, and poodle families. Had we +contemplated a perennial bench show, instead of a quiet home, we could +hardly have been more favored. With a discretion begotten of twenty +years' experience as a husband, I referred all these proffers of canine +gifts to Alice with power to act, and I dimly surmise that +consideration of them has been postponed indefinitely. + +As soon as our neighbors realized what horticultural possibilities our +noble expanse of front yard offered they fairly overwhelmed us with +floral and arboreal gifts. During that unusually warm spell we had +about two months ago there was scarcely an hour of the day that a +wheelbarrow or a man servant or both did not arrive bearing lilac +sprouts from the Leets, or Japanese ivy slips from the Sissons, or +peonies from the old Doller homestead, or mignonette from Mrs. Roth, or +dahlias from Mrs. Knox, or marigolds from the Baylors, or pansies from +the Haynes, or tulip bulbs from Mrs. Redd, or something or another from +somebody else. + +You can depend upon it that all this kept me wondrously busy. I broke +four trowels and raised a dozen ugly blisters on my right hand in my +attempt to get these tender tokens of friendship transplanted before +they withered. One day Mrs. Baylor and Mrs. Rush took me to a +neighboring greenhouse with them; they wanted to purchase some vines to +train over their front porches. The man at the greenhouse showed me an +innumerable assortment of beautiful rose-bushes, which I bought in the +fond delusion that they would vastly embellish our front lawn. I +recall the pride with which I told Alice and Adah that I guessed I had +purchased enough flowers to fill the whole yard. I recall also the +sense of humiliation I experienced when, after that innumerable +assortment had been set out in the yard, I discovered that there was +not enough of them to make an impression even upon the most susceptible +eye. + +I am not yet quite sure whether neighbor Macleod was in earnest or +whether he meant it in fun when he sent us a magnificent thistle, with +the suggestion that we plant it in our lawn. But, out of respect to +neighbor Macleod's patriotism as a loyal son of Caledonia, I did plant +the thistle in amiable compliance with my friend's suggestion. Other +neighbors protested against this, but I imputed their objections to +that natural feeling of jealousy which is too likely to manifest itself +when the interests of other neighbors are involved. The thistle was an +uncommonly large and active one, and I suffered somewhat from its teeth +before I finally got it comfortably located in a patch of succulent +turf under one of our willow-trees. + +The unusually warm spell to which I have referred was followed (as you +will doubtless recollect), by a period of bitterly cold weather. With +an anguish which I am utterly incapable of describing, I saw my +marigolds and mignonette and roses and peonies and dahlias and pansies +and other leafy pets wither and droop and shrivel. In less than +forty-eight hours' time they were all apparently as dead as that side +of the moon which is invisible to us. The only flower or shrub in all +that once blooming lawn which remained unshorn of its beauty by the +bitter hyperborean blasts was the Macleod thistle. Proudly it reared +itself amid that desolation, and defiantly it exhibited its fangs to +foe and friend alike. + +I cannot tell you how heartily I rejoiced that I had not yielded to the +importunities of the Baylors, the Tiltmans, the Browes, and the +Denslows when, in an ebullition of neighborly jealousy, they sought the +destruction of that sturdy plant. But my delight was of short +duration. One morning before I arrived to pursue my horticultural +avocation a remorseless policeman invaded the premises and pulled up +the bristling emblem of Scotia and cast it into the hard highway under +the pretext that by so doing he was complying with a provision of the +revised statutes. I learned that this policeman is a Swede, and I can +justify his conduct only upon the hypothesis of heredity, although it +is hard to conceive that the malignant feeling which existed centuries +ago among the Norsemen who were wont to harry the Scottish coast should +exhibit itself at this remote period in the demeanor of a naturalized +Swede who presumably does not know the difference between a viking and +a meteorite. + +If I had been of a sarcastic or of a bitter nature, I might have +imputed this curious train of mishaps to the malign influence of that +maternal tabby cat which Uncle Si had hailed as a harbinger of good +luck. As it was, I could not resist giving play to my desire for +retaliation when Uncle Si confided to me one morning that some +unscrupulous person or persons had invaded the premises the night +before and had carried off about six thousand feet of choice lumber. I +was disposed to be very wroth at first, but when I gathered from Uncle +Si's remarks that the loss would fall upon him and not upon me my anger +was assuaged to a degree that admitted of my suggesting to Uncle Si +that perhaps this incident might be reckoned as a part of that "good +luck" which the advent of the tabby cat and her kits had prognosticated. + +Having unbosomed myself of this perhaps too savage thrust, I gave Uncle +Si a cigar and in my most cordial tones bade him "never mind and be of +good cheer." I make it a practice never to say or do that which is +likely to occasion pain or humiliation without accompanying the word or +the deed with somewhat that shall serve as an antidote thereunto. For +I bear ill will to none, and it is constantly my endeavor to make life +pleasant and dear not only to myself but also to my fellow beings. + +My consideration for Uncle Si's feelings was almost immediately +rewarded, for as I left Uncle Si smoking his cigar in a comforted mood +I beheld my neighbor, Colonel Bobbett Doller, coming up the driveway +and beckoning to me. If you know the colonel as I do, you know him to +be a gentleman of wealth, of position, and of influence. Moreover, +Colonel Doller is a man of large sympathies. He had heard of our +recent acquisition and had come to congratulate me. We shook hands +warmly. + +"You have here," said Colonel Doller, cordially, "a magnificent +property, and I heartily rejoice to learn that you acquired it at a +merely nominal price. Has it occurred to you, my dear sir, that this +tract, with its majestic sweep of lawn and its picturesque glory of +shade trees, presents tremendous possibilities--in fact, secures to you +the opportunity of comprehending riches beyond the dreams of avarice? +Let us be seated upon this pile of bricks while I unfold to you a +panorama of potentialities." + + + + +X + +COLONEL DOLLER'S GREAT IDEA + +Colonel Bobbett Doller and I sat down, side by side, on the pile of +bricks, and the colonel proceeded straightway to disclose pleasing +visions to my mind's eye. + +"You are doubtless aware," said the colonel, "that you are not, in the +severest acceptation of the term, a business man?" + +"Alas," said I, "I am compelled in all candor to admit that lamentable +fact." + +"Then," continued the colonel, "you probably do not know that this +noble expanse of high ground upon which your stately residence is +reared is the exact centre of a radius of eighty miles. In other +words, did the power of your vision extend eighty miles you would be +able to see for yourself from the roof of your superb house that this +point is in fact the centre of a radius representing a stretch in any +and every direction of eighty miles." + +"No, I had never supposed it possible," said I. + +"It is, nevertheless, a demonstrable fact," said Colonel Doller. "It +is more notorious, however, that this property of yours (designated in +the records as the south half of lot 16, Terhune's addition, section 9, +township of Pond View)"---- + +"Page 273, volume 105," said I, interrupting him; for I suddenly +recalled the superscription on the warranty deed. + +"Exactly," said Colonel Doller, with a genial smile. "Now, as I was +about to remark, it is notorious that this property of yours is situate +in the very heart of the delectable tract known to the world as the +North Shore. I do not exaggerate when I say, in the language of my +popular brochure entitled, 'Homes for the Homeless,' that the North +Shore offers inducements, both for the living and for the dead, which +are not met with in any other part of our growing community. +Recognizing the merit of these inducements, immigration has turned its +tide toward the North Shore. Ten years ago there was naught but +desolation where now the dandelion blooms and the voice of the +tree-toad is heard in song. What do we see about us to-day? To the +north of us the roof of Martin Howard's new barn glistens under the +smiling noonday sun. Turning our gaze westward we behold the turrets +of the palatial residence which neighbor Bales has erected in Razzle +Street. Yonder in the southeast horizon we detect the tall, lithe +flagpole which Major Ryson has set up as a graceful tribute to the +memory of the late lamented yacht club. Cast your eyes where you will +and you will see convincing evidences of the onward, irresistible march +of civilization. + +"This noble property of yours," continued Colonel Doller, "is the very +heart of all this pulsing, throbbing, bustling, teeming civilization. +Why, my dear Baker, I would not exchange (if I were you) the +opportunities now within your grasp for any other conceivable +thing--not even though millions were placed in the opposing scale!" + +"I don't believe I understand you," said I. + +"I will be more explicit," said Colonel Doller. "The tide of +immigration has already overwhelmed this section; a great commercial +wave is closely following it. Trade will soon locate its emporiums in +the midst of us. Already two blocks to the south of this property a +commercial mart has begun to invite the attention and the patronage of +our public." + +"You refer to Pusheck's grocery store?" + +"The same," said Colonel Doller. "Presently a barber-shop and a banana +stand will follow; then a bicycle repair-shop will spring up in our +midst, and from that moment our status as a commercial centre will be +assured." + +As I was in no sense a business man I could not deny this. To be frank +with you, it all looked very plausible to me. + +"There is nothing else," continued Colonel Doller, "more practicable or +of greater value than foreseeing events and being prepared for them. +Now, here you are in the very midst of this flood of immigration, and +with the tidal wave of commerce at your very door. Is your property in +a position to avail you handsomely in case you accede to the demands of +reason and conclude to yield to the persuasions of immigration and +commerce? The consideration which should be paramount with you is +this: 'Having secured this property, how can I get rid of it to the +best advantage?'" + +"But it is n't for sale," said I. + +"True, quite true," answered Colonel Doller, with a weary, patient +smile, "but it will be. What is North Shore property for if not for +sale? You certainly do not intend to violate all the customs and +traditions of the community by holding out against an opportunity to +benefit yourself? That, my dear Baker, would be folly." + +"But nobody has asked us to sell," said I, apologetically. + +"That is because your property is not in desirable shape," said the +colonel. "If it were, you would have chances to enrich yourself in +less than a month. You see your lot fronts one hundred feet on +Clarendon Avenue, and runs back two hundred and thirty-nine feet to a +prospective alley; this gives you one hundred feet of salable property, +but with a depth that actually involves a wicked waste of land. Now +suppose you were to buy the twenty-five feet that lies to the south on +Clarendon Avenue just between your lot and Sandpile Terrace. That +would give you a frontage of two hundred and thirty-nine feet on the +terrace, with a depth altogether of one hundred and twenty-five feet! +Do you follow me?" + +"Yes, I see," said I, as this good and shrewd man's meaning gradually +stole upon me. + +"With that additional twenty-five feet," resumed Colonel Doller, "you +could divide up the whole property into what you might call (if you +chose) Baker's Subdivision: then you could parcel it off into +twenty-foot lots with frontage on Sandpile Terrace--and there you are, +a rich man almost before you know it." + +"Gracious me! That _is_ a great idea!" said I, and I whistled softly +to myself. + +"Great? Well, I should say so!" exclaimed Colonel Doller. "I knew it +would appeal to you, for you are a man of intelligence and capable of +foreseeing and appreciating potentialities." + +"Who owns that strip?" I asked, referring to the twenty-five feet +adjoining our lot to the south. + +"Well, it happens to be mine," said Colonel Doller. "As soon as I +heard that you had purchased this place it occurred to me that you +ought to have that twenty-five feet in order to make the rest of your +property available. So, without saying a word about it to anybody +else, I 've stepped over here to tell you that if you want it I 'll +throw that strip in to you at one hundred and twenty-five dollars per +front foot." + +"We gave only one hundred dollars a foot for this lot," said I. + +"Very true," said Colonel Doller, "but _my_ lot admits of giving you a +frontage of two hundred and thirty-nine feet on Sandpile Terrace." + +"To be sure it does," said I. "For the moment I quite lost sight of +that. Well, I think very favorably of it, and I suspect Mr. Black +would insist upon my closing with you at once. I 'll speak to Alice +about it." + +"Be careful not to breathe a word of it to anybody else," suggested +Colonel Doller in a low, mysterious tone, "and whatever else you do, +don't let my partner, Leet, have even so much as an inkling of the fact +that we 've had a talk! You understand?" + +"It shall be kept a profound secret!" said I, with solemn earnestness. + +Colonel Doller patted me reassuringly on the shoulder as he arose to +depart. + +"Baker," said he, kindly, "you are as good as a rich man already! You +get that extra twenty-five feet and make a subdivision of this +property, and you 'll have so much money you won't know what to do with +it! Why, the next thing we'll hear of you, you'll be living in a +castle on a hill, with an observatory--just think of it, Baker, old +man! an observatory and a twelve-foot telescope capable of discovering +a new comet every night, rain or shine!" + +The kind gentleman's enthusiasm quite took my breath away. As I +watched him departing down the shady drive my heart overflowed with +gratitude, and again I thanked the providential Power that had given me +so many kind, solicitous, and self-sacrificing friends. + +My conversation with Colonel Doller set me to indulging in thoughts +which were entirely new to me, and which pleased me with their novelty +and brilliancy. I fancied myself already possessed of a wealth which +permitted me to pursue unreservedly those studies and investigations +which have been my delight since youth. In imagination I pictured +myself the owner of a sightly residence surmounted by a spacious +observatory, in which was located a magnificent reflector-telescope +operated by the newest and nicest mechanism. It was pleasing to be +rich, even in fancy. My thoughts reverted to the children. + +"Dear pampered darlings," I murmured, "they little know the lives of +independence and of ease that are before them. They will never know +what it is to toil and to economize. And Alice--sweet girl--this will +put an end to her worry about grocery bills!" + +It is curious how completely I lost interest in our new house as soon +as the prospect of getting rich dawned upon me. You will not believe +it, but after that talk with Colonel Doller I looked with actual +disdain upon the old Schmittheimer home and its broad, velvety lawn +under the noble trees. I was so possessed with the fascinating scheme +suggested by Colonel Doller that I was even tempted to bid Uncle Si and +his men quit work until I had consulted with Alice as to the +feasibility of abandoning the proposed improvements and investing the +rest of Mr. Black's three thousand dollars in the twenty-five-foot +strip to the south of us. I am glad now that the still small voice +within me prevailed, and that I saw Alice before saying anything to +Uncle Si. + +"Reuben Baker," exclaimed Alice, "that property is _mine_ and I bought +it for a home, _not_ to _sell_. If you and Colonel Doller want to +speculate, you need n't think you 're going to rope me into any of your +schemes." + +"But, Alice, darling--" + +"I sha' n't listen to a word of such nonsense," persisted Alice. "So, +there." + +I was inclined to remonstrate, but just at that moment the front door +bell rang and a telegraphic message was handed in. The message was +from Cincinnati and it read in this wise: + +"Shall be there to-morrow morning to look things over. _Luther M. +Black_." + +In the prospect of a visit from our patron, Mr. Black, I speedily +forgot all about Colonel Bobbett Doller and his pleasing panorama of +potentialities. In this we see illustrated the wisdom of Providence in +so dispensing human events as to soothe the wounds of disappointment +with the balm of anticipation. + + + + +XI + +I MAKE A STAND FOR MY RIGHTS + +Shortly after Mr. Black's arrival that worthy gentleman was escorted +with all due formality to the old Schmittheimer place in Clarendon +Avenue. Recognizing the fact that first impressions are lasting, we +determined that Mr. Black's first impressions of our purchase should be +favorable. So we conducted him to our property by a rather circuitous +route. The approach to the old Schmittheimer place from the north is +by all means the most agreeable; it leads by Mr. Rink's fine colonial +house and Martin Howard's new place and through an embowered avenue of +weeping willows, which, out of deference to his melancholy profession, +Mr. Dimmons, landscape gardener of our most prosperous cemetery, has +constructed in front of his beautiful residence in Thistle Patch Court; +a turn is then made upon Dandelion Place, and just one block this side +of Mr. Allworth's bowlder house (famous as the greatest bargain ever +acquired on the North Shore) another turn to the right brings you in +sight and within a few yards of our property. + +Mr. Black was pleased with the neighborhood. He is not a man of +enthusiasms; in all the years of my acquaintance with him I have never +known him to give way to an ebullition of any kind. Yet upon this +occasion there was an expression upon his face when he first set eyes +upon our property which gave me to understand that he approved of our +purchase. I hastened to clinch this favorable impression by apprising +him briefly of the proposition Colonel Bobbett Doller had made to me +the previous afternoon, and I flatter myself that, between us, Alice +and I made a pretty fair presentation of the merits of our new place. + +"You seem to have begun reconstructing the house," said Mr. Black. +"Who is your architect?" + +"We have no real architect," said I. "In order to save expense we have +employed a boss carpenter capable not only of designing plans, but also +of executing them. His name is Silas Plum." + +"Plum? That is a very familiar name to me," said Mr. Black. "I wonder +whether he is any kin to the Plum family of Maine. There was an +Elnathan Plum, who used to live in Aroostook, and I went to school with +him at Pocatapaug Academy in the winter of 1827. The last time I +visited Maine I was told that he had moved west in 1840, or +thereabouts. He married a third cousin of mine whose maiden name was +Eastman--Euphemia Eastman, as I recall it." + +Of course I was unable to say what Uncle Si's antecedents were, but I +felt pretty certain that, if left to himself, Mr. Black would find out +all about them, for of all the people I ever met with Mr. Black surely +has the most astounding faculty for acquiring and remembering +genealogical data. + +Our worthy friend consumed fully a half-hour's time inspecting our +front lawn, examining into the condition of the fence, learning what +kind of trees we had, and ascertaining the character and depth of the +soil. I do not hesitate to affirm that he knew more about these things +at the end of that half-hour than I shall know at the end of ten years' +daily association with them. I took pains, however, to make the most +of what small knowledge I had, and with considerable flourish I called +Mr. Black's attention to our lilac and gooseberry bushes, and with +conscious pride pointed out the wild grape vine in the corner of the +yard. I told Mr. Black that it was our intention to have a kitchen +garden back of the house, and that among other things we should +cultivate onions of the choicest quality. I had an object in +specifying the onions particularly, for I knew that Mr. Black had a +fondness (amounting almost to a passion) for this succulent fruit. + +In all that I pointed out and in all that I said Mr. Black appeared to +take more than common interest. One thing that seemed to please him +particularly was the discovery that three of our currant bushes had +escaped the malice of the workmen, and he promised Alice to write to +his niece at Biddeford for her recipe for making currant wine, a +beverage which, he assured us, would cheer but not inebriate. + +Alice and I had made it up beforehand that we would leave Mr. Black and +Uncle Si together for a spell after we had introduced them to each +other; for we wanted our patron to learn for himself (unembarrassed by +our presence) just what had been done and how it had been done. I take +it for granted that the two enjoyed their three hours' confabulation, +but I more than half suspect they spent precious little of that time in +a discussion of our affairs. Mr. Black told me afterward that he had +ascertained that Uncle Si (or Silas, as he called him) was, as he had +surmised, a son of Elnathan Plum of Aroostook. + +"Silas looks more like his mother's side of the family," said Mr. +Black. "The Eastmans, as I remember them, were tall and spare, with +blue eyes and straight noses. We have an Eastman in Cincinnati who +looks enough like Silas to be his brother, although he belongs to the +Ebenezer Eastman branch of the family, who located in Westboro, Mass,, +in 1765. Tooker Eastman, the Cincinnati representative of the family, +is pastor of the First Church; he married Sukey, the widow of Amos +Sears, who (that is to say, Amos) was a son of Calvin Sears, who was +postmaster at Biddeford while I was a young man in that town." + +From this and other similar morsels of information which Mr. Black let +fall in my hearing I gathered that Mr. Black's talk with Uncle Si had +been rather of a historical and reminiscent than of a business +character. But this mattered not to me; it was clear that Mr. Black +approved of our purchase and of the improvements we contemplated, and +that was enough to insure our entire satisfaction. + +When I came down from my study that evening I found Mr. Black and Alice +sitting in the parlor, looking mysteriously solemn. + +"I have been advising your wife to make a will," said Mr. Black. + +"Why, Alice dear, are you ill?" I asked, in genuine alarm. + +Alice laughingly answered that she had never before felt heartier or in +finer spirits. + +"Then why make a will?" I asked. "Who ever heard of a person's making +a will unless he was sick?" + +"You are laboring under a delusion too common to humanity," said Mr. +Black. "In the midst of life we are in death. It is during health and +while we are in full possession of our physical and mental faculties +that we should provide against that penalty which we all alike as +debtors are sooner or later to pay to nature. Your wife has recently +become possessed by purchase of property that may eventually be of +large value. It seems proper that she should draw a will indicating +her desires as to the disposal of this property in the event of her +demise." + +"But what," I cried with honest feeling, "what would be lands or gold +without my Alice?" + +"Calm your agitation, Reuben dear," said Alice. "The suggestion which +Mr. Black has made does not involve you to the extent of making you an +heir." + +"No," said Mr. Black, "it is proper that you should have a life estate +in the property, but the property itself should ultimately go to the +children." + +"Still," said Alice, thoughtfully, "if Reuben were to survive me it +would be just like him to marry again, and I believe I should just rise +up in my grave if I thought another woman was living on the premises +which I myself had earned." + +"Oh, but Alice, that is very unfair!" I expostulated. "It is _I_ who +am earning the money--or, at least, it is I who expect to earn the +money wherewith to repay our dear friend, Mr. Black, the sums he has +advanced and may advance for our property!" + +"There! I suspected it all the time," cried Alice, indignantly. "You +are already claiming the property--you are already preparing for my +death--I daresay you have your eyes already on the woman who is to step +into my place when I am gone! But I won't die--no, I just won't! But +I 'll make a will and I 'll give everything to the children, and you +sha' n't have a thing when I do die--not a thing, not even a life +estate--so there!" + +Mr. Black and I were trying to soothe the dear creature, when there +came a knock at the front door. Alice popped up and made her escape +into the dining-room. The front door opened and the ruddy, smiling +face of neighbor Denslow appeared. + +"Pardon my informality," said Mr. Denslow, cheerily; "can I come in?" + +"By all means," I cried. "You are in good season to meet my old and +valued friend, Mr. Black." + +Mr. Denslow greeted Mr. Black effusively. All my neighbors had heard +me speak of my generous patron, and they all took a really noble +neighborly pride in promoting my interests with him. Mr. Denslow began +at once to dilate in eloquent terms upon the bargain Alice and I had +secured in the old Schmittheimer place. + +"And, by the way," said Mr. Denslow, turning to me, "the mention of +your bargain reminds me of the object of my call. August +Schmittheimer, a son of the widow, came to my office to-day to tell me +that he is prepared to let you have the thirty-three feet in the rear +of your lot at a merely nominal price--say two hundred dollars." + +I had cast envious eyes upon this particular strip of ground several +times. Alice had remarked that it would afford an ideal spot upon +which to hang out the washing on Monday mornings; at other times it +would serve as a convenient playground for Josephine and little +Erasmus. It really seemed like a special Providence that what we had +been wishing for should unexpectedly be thrust within our very grasp. + +"I think that we should have that extra strip by all means," said I; +and then I added, by way of demonstrating the wisdom of my opinion to +Mr. Black: "We shall thus be enabled to enlarge our onion bed to +pretentious proportions." + +This argument must have convinced Mr. Black, for he remarked at once +that he recognized the wisdom of acquiring the extra piece of land at +the bargain price suggested. + +"If it pleases you, then," said Mr. Denslow, "I will attend the first +thing in the morning to having the investigation into the title begun, +and I suppose that within the next three days the deal can be +consummated and the property duly transferred to Mrs. Baker." + +Too often I do not think of the bright and felicitous thing to say or +do until it is too late. On this occasion, however, a really shrewd +and happy thought occurred to me. The somewhat malicious purpose it +contemplated was justified, I claim, by the context (so to speak) of +events. + +"Neighbor Denslow," said I, confidentially, "when it comes to the +transfer of that property please be so kind as to have the warranty +deed made to me." + +Mr. Denslow looked so surprised, and so did Mr. Black, that I deemed an +explanation necessary. + + + + +XII + +I AM DECEIVED IN MR. WAX + +I went on to say that it seemed to me to be unwise to invest too much +power in Alice's hands; that _I_ had certain rights which should be +protected, and that if I was not to be assured a life estate in Alice's +property I ought to have at least thirty-three feet to which I could, +in an emergency, retire to spend the evening of my existence in peace +and security. + +"Possessed of that thirty-three feet," said I, "I make no question that +I shall soon be able to bring Alice to terms. Give me the power to +stand on my own patch of ground and defy Alice every Monday morning +when the weekly wash is ready to be hung out, and I will cheerfully +risk the future." + +Mr. Denslow and Mr. Black are sensible and loyal men; they recognized +the propriety of standing by me in this emergency, and it was agreed +that the extra piece of ground should be conveyed to me. + +That night I dreamed that Alice had been called to her heavenly reward +and that I had been turned out of doors by our heartless children. I +was an aged and tottering man. The wind blew lustily and a storm was +raging. I drew my threadbare coat closer about me, for I was shivering +with the cold. + +"Alas," I cried (in my dream), "whither shall I turn? Is there no spot +on earth where I can die in peace?" + +Then, O joy! it occurred to me (in my dream) that I owned the +thirty-three feet back of the dear old home. Two years' taxes were due +on it, but it was still mine--all mine! + +"The snow is deep and clean and hospitable there," I cried (still in my +dream), "and it is all mine own! To that snowbank will I make my way, +and there will I lie down to sleep my last sleep." + +But just then I awoke to discover that it was only a dream. Had I been +of a superstitious nature I might have read in this dream divers +premonitions and strange significances. As it was, it merely confirmed +me in my belief that I had done wisely in securing that +thirty-three-foot strip. + +Mr. Black went back home next day, and nothing more was said for the +nonce about a "will" or a "life estate," or any matter thereunto +appertaining, and disagreeable to Alice and to me alike. The cold +weather having melted away into sunshine and warmth, I once more began +to be deeply interested in horticulture and floriculture, and this, +too, in spite of the ineffaceable scars which the spade-wielding +vandals had left in the large front yard in the alleged interest of the +sewer, water, and gas-pipes. + +This enthusiasm of mine in behalf of matters of which I knew absolutely +nothing was retired by my respected neighbor, Fadda Pierce, who is so +learned in all affairs involving flowers and shrubbery that I actually +believe that what he does n't know about them is n't worth knowing. +Fadda's cottage is covered with every variety of dainty and luxurious +vine, and in his yard bloom all kinds of rare and beautiful flowers. +He is so famed for his fondness for and luck with flowers that I felt +grateful to the dear old gentleman when he visited me with a view to +advising me as to the kind of flowers I ought to plant in my lawn and +around the house. + +It was then that I learned of the existence of shrubs, vines, and +flowers of which I had never before heard. It is indeed amazing that +an ordinarily intelligent man can reach the age of forty-five years +without being able to profess truthfully a more or less intimate +acquaintance with hydrangeas, fuchsias, taraxacums, syringas, +sisymbriums, gilliflowers, kentaphyllons, maydenheer, chrysanthemums, +orchids, geraniums, lichens, laburnums, jasmines, heliotropes, +gentians, eucalyptuses, crocuses, carnations, dahlias, cactuses, +billybuttons, anemones, anthropomorphons, amaranths, etc., etc. Fadda +Pierce did not chide me for my heathenish ignorance; he seemed to take +it for granted that I had been too busy acquiring knowledge in other +lines to have time to devote to research in botany. He was much more +considerate than neighbor Roth was when he pulled up his team in front +of my house one day and asked me how far it was to Glencoe. I answered +that I did not know; whereupon he shrugged his shoulders and muttered: +"I thought as much, by gosh! You can tell how fur 't is to the sun, +the moon, an' the stars, but you can't tell how fur 't is to Glencoe!" + +Fadda Pierce advised me to set out about two dozen cobies (I think he +called them) around our new colonial front porch, and then he kindly +designated certain spots in the yard where beds ought to be constructed +for certain flowers, the names of which he wrote down on a slip of +paper. Some of these beds were to be circular, some square, and some +oblong. Fadda told me that I would require at least three loads of +black dirt, and he gave me the address of a person who dealt in this +precious commodity at one dollar and a half a load. I called upon this +person at once and ordered the three loads of black dirt to be +delivered immediately. I then bethought myself that I required an +outfit of garden tools; so I made my way to the nearest hardware shop +and purchased a spade, a hoe, a rake, a wheelbarrow, a watering can, a +trowel, and a pruning-knife. I trundled the barrow home, with the +other purchases in it. + +The day was exceedingly warm, and my appearance in this new rôle +excited the derision of my neighbors; but I felt rather flattered to be +called Farmer Baker, and I was glad to give the Baylors, the Edwardses, +the Dollers, the Tiltmans, the Rushes, the Sissons, and the rest to +understand that I by no means disdained to condescend to the humble +plane of an agriculturist. Now that I come to think of it, I remember +to have read somewhere that Galileo took his recreation at hoeing and +grubbing in the vineyard adjoining his observatory. + +As I trundled the barrow up the winding road of the Schmittheimer place +I became aware that a man was following me. So I stopped and waited +for him to overtake me. His appearance indicated poverty and all its +attendant miseries. + +"Good sir," said the stranger, "pardon me for this intrusion, but +misfortunes of a most grievous character compel me to thrust myself +upon your mercy. You behold in me, sir, one of the most hapless of +creatures, one whom adversity has buffeted with cruel pertinacity, and +finally driven out to become a homeless and friendless wanderer upon +the face of the earth. My name, sir, is Percival Wax, born and reared +under the auspices of riches, but now forced by the reverses of +remorseless fate to importune you for the wherewithal to procure food +and lodging." + +"Mr. Wax," said I, "your appearance by no means belies your words. +Your raiment is torn and soiled; your shoes are not mates, and your hat +was evidently made for a larger head than yours. I also read in your +dim eyes, your unkempt beard, and your dishevelled hair corroboration +of your claims to intimacy with adversity. While I sympathize with you +in your misfortune, I cannot break one of the imperative rules which +govern the conduct of my life; if you are willing to work I will gladly +provide you with the means of relief from your embarrassment." + +"Work? Ah, kind sir," said Mr. Wax, eagerly, "it is that which I have +vainly sought for weeks. I have been out of employment ever since the +combined efforts of our National Administration and of our incompetent +Congress succeeded in sowing the seeds of distrust in every mind, +thereby stagnating business and precipitating a financial crisis, from +the débris of which I can never hope to arise." + +"Can you make flower-beds, Mr. Wax?" I asked. + +"Kind gentleman," he answered, "my profession before financial ruin +overwhelmed me was that of a landscape gardener." + +This was, indeed, a marvellously pleasing coincidence. Here was the +very man I needed. + +"Take up the barrow, Mr. Wax, and follow me," said I. + +I showed him where I wanted the flowerbeds made--the circular, the +square, and the oblong. He was first to remove the turf and then fill +in and square up the beds with black dirt. I found him quick to +understand, and he seemed to be anxious to get to work. + +"You can begin as soon as you please," said I. "Meanwhile I shall go +to luncheon, and on my return I shall bring you three or four mustard +sandwiches and some hard-boiled eggs to stay you until you have +finished your task." + +"Thank you, kind sir," said Mr. Wax with tears of gratitude in his +voice. + +I was gone an hour or more. At luncheon I told Alice of what I had +done, but she did not seem to share my enthusiasm at having provided +Mr. Wax with an opportunity to turn an honest penny or two. She very +clearly indicated to me her distrust of all tramps, to which class she +was sure Mr. Wax belonged. Thereupon I warned Alice against the +inhumanity and wickedness of insensibility to the sufferings of others, +and I was glad that the children were at the table with us to hear my +remarks in praise of that charity which has compassion for all +conditions of misery. + +Upon my return to the Schmittheimer place I was disappointed to find +that no progress had been made with the flower-beds. + +"I wonder where Mr. Wax is?" said I to Uncle Si. + +"Do you mean that ---- tramp that was here about noon?" asked Uncle Si. + +"He may have been a tramp," said I, purposely ignoring Uncle Si's +profane epithet (for I do not approve of profanity). + +"He went away shortly after you went," said Uncle Si. "I asked him +where he was going with the wheelbarrow and the garden tools, and he +said you had hired him to take them over to your house in Heavenward +Avenue for you." + +"Mr. Wax lied to you," said I. "He has stolen that barrow and those +tools." + +Uncle Si consoled me by telling me that in all human probability Mr. +Wax had sold his stealings by this time and was already squandering his +ill-gotten gains in a barroom. I lamented not only the ingratitude and +dishonesty of this man whom I had sought to befriend, but also the loss +of my barrow and my garden tools. There was, however, some consolation +in the thought that my experience would serve me to good purpose in the +future. + +The three mustard sandwiches and the two hard-boiled eggs which I had +brought from home for Mr. Wax's luncheon I now took down into the +cellar and fed to Alice, the mother cat. Had I been a superstitious +person I should not have performed this kind deed by one whom many +might have regarded as the prognostic (if not actually the cause) of +the many evils which had befallen me of late. As it was, I took a kind +of spiteful satisfaction in observing that the gaunt beast did not +exhibit that exuberant fondness for mustard sandwiches and hard-boiled +eggs which might be confidently looked for in the mother of six healthy +and always hungry kittens. + + + + +XIII + +EDITOR WOODSIT A TRUE FRIEND + +One morning--it was a Thursday morning, as I distinctly recall--I was +much surprised to find that work upon the house had practically been +suspended. I was sure there could not have been a strike, for I told +the workmen at the beginning that whenever they felt as if they were +not getting enough pay they must come to me about it and I would raise +their wages. They had already been to me three times and received an +increase of pay each time. So I felt moderately secure against a +strike. Uncle Si explained the situation briefly. + +"The plasterers were to have begun today," said he, "but there is no +water for them; so I had to send them away." + +"No water?" I cried. "No water? Then tell me, I pray, why this noble +front yard of ours has been converted into a dreary waste by those +vandals with their spades and picks? Why is that deep, wide, ragged +ditch still yawning in our faces and threatening the death of every +tree at whose roots it crawls? And why did I pay Sibley the plumber +forty-five dollars last Saturday night, if it were not for the laying +of water pipe in that hideous ditch? No water, indeed!" + +"It is nobody's fault but the city's," explained Uncle Si. "The pipe +is all laid and nothing remains but for the city to make the connection +with the main in the street. You see _we_ can't tap the main; that is +for the city to do." + +"Then why does n't the city do it?" I asked. + +Uncle Si shrugged his shoulders. + +"The city _ought_ to do a good many things it _does n't_ do," said he. +"They promised to have that main tapped at eight o'clock last Monday +morning, and here it is ten o'clock Thursday morning and not a drop of +water on the place! There is n't any use kicking, for those +politicians down at the City Hall do things their own way and take +their own time doing 'em!" + +I saw that argument with Uncle Si meant simply a waste of time, so I +determined to go down-town to the City Hall myself to see whether no +eloquence or indignation of my own would move the derelict officers to +a performance of their duty. On the train I fell in with Mr. Leet, who +was on his way to his place of business. He had not seen me since our +purchase of the Schmittheimer property, and he took this first occasion +to congratulate me upon what he called one of those bargains which +occur at rare intervals in a century. Finding me in a felicitous mood, +Mr. Leet went on to say that the property we already possessed would be +enhanced in value an hundred-fold and would be rendered marketable +instantaneously by the further acquisition of the twenty-five feet +adjoining it upon the north. + +"Yes," said I, "Mr. Doller spoke to me about that twenty-five-foot +strip some time ago." + +"Aha, so Doller has been approaching you, has he?" said Mr. Leet, +softly. "Well, Doller is very cunning--very cunning, indeed. But he +has nothing to do with the _north_ strip. _He_ owns the twenty-five +feet to the _south_ of your property, the piece fronting on Sandpile +Terrace, and a very malarious location it is, too. I pledge you my +word, Mr. Baker, I have seen mosquitos hovering over that Doller strip +at night as big as bats!" + +I could neither deny nor affirm the truth of this assertion. + +"My twenty-five-foot strip to the north," continued Mr. Leet, "is high +and dry and sightly. The view it commands of the Water Works is +indescribably fine. You are surely practical enough to see, Mr. Baker, +that by purchasing that strip and throwing it in with yours you will +have a subdivision fronting upon Dandelion Place which would offer +unparalleled inducements to the seeker after suburban property. What +is more," added Mr. Leet in a confidential whisper, "it would not +surprise me a bit if there were coal deposits in the twenty-five-foot +strip of mine. I have very distinct suspicions, but the paramount +importance of my other business interests has prevented me from making +the investigation which might enrich me beyond all calculation. Now, +you have time, and if you feel disposed to take that property I 'll let +you have it at the merely nominal price of one hundred and twenty-five +dollars a front foot." + +This seemed reasonable enough, particularly when I considered the +chances of there being a coal mine on the property. However, as I had +told Mr. Doller, so I now told Mr. Leet: I would first have to speak to +Alice about the matter. Then I confided to Mr. Leet the object of my +mission down-town. Presumably in the hope of insuring and clinching my +devotion to his interests as represented in his twenty-five-foot lot, +Mr. Leet manifested solicitude in my behalf and inveighed bitterly +against the shiftlessness of the municipal administration as +illustrated in the neglect to tap the water main for the benefit of my +property. + +"The most aggravatingly exasperating part of it all," says I, "is that +I am a Republican and have been one for thirty years. Moreover, I am a +reformer, having helped to organize the Civic Federation and having +served for somewhat more than a year as chairman of the Special +Committee on Ash Barrels and Garbage Boxes in the third precinct of the +Twenty-fifth Ward. I made several addresses during the last campaign +in advocacy of civil-service reform and all those other reforms which +are invariably advocated and promised by the party which is not in +power but wants to be. In the thirty years that I have been a +Republican I have never asked a favor of my party, and it does seem +just a bit ungrateful that the Republican reform municipal +administration which I helped to elect should seize with apparent +avidity upon its first opportunity to snub me by refusing to tap the +public water main in front of my property." + +"You should see Mayor Speedy about it," suggested Mr. Leet. + +"I thought of doing so," said I, "but as I had already determined to +approach him with reference to changing the name of Mush Street to +Clarendon Avenue, I concluded that I ought not to call upon him with +this complaint about the water. I particularly wish to avoid all +appearance of hampering the administration with importunities and +complaints of a personal nature." + +"A man of your reputation," said Mr. Leet, "should certainly have the +strongest kind of a pull at the City Hall." + +"You may not believe it," said I, "but I do not know a man in the City +Hall. I visit the place but twice a year, and my dealings on those +occasions are restricted to a haughty young foreigner, who graciously +permits me to pay him the amount of my water tax and then waves me to +another foreigner who in turn waves me to the door. No, I have no +influence at the City Hall, and as I was telling Editor Woodsit last +week--" + +"Do you know Editor Woodsit?" asked Mr. Leet, interrupting me. + +"Indeed I do," said I; "he has promised to print my essay on the +nebular hypothesis of Professor Lecouvrier as soon as his contract with +the monometallist college professors expires. He is one of the most +intimate friends I have." + +"Then he is just the one to fix that City Hall matter for you," said +Mr. Leet. "Woodsit is the most potent political influence in the midst +of us." + +It was hard to understand why a potent political influence should be +invoked in order to secure the tapping of a water main. However, I +determined to enlist the coöperation of my journalistic friend. Twenty +or thirty people were waiting outside Editor Woodsit's door. This +number included noted clergymen, poets, authors, politicians, jurists, +merchants, etc., etc. By some means or another, Editor Woodsit learned +I was among the waiting throng, and he sent for me to come in. His +private office is spacious and elegantly furnished. The walls are hung +with splendid tapestries and costly oil paintings. Over Editor +Woodsit's desk appears the legend, "The Pen Is Mightier Than the +Sword." Near the desk are rows of nickel-plated tubes, about six feet +in height and two feet in diameter; the lids or covers to these tubes +are opened by means of a keyboard in front of the editor. The tubes +themselves contain the heads of the departments of the State and +municipal governments. + +"What you tell me pains me deeply," said Mr. Woodsit, after he heard my +story. "But there is no need of going to the City Hall about it; the +matter can be attended to here. I never trifle with underlings when +the responsible heads are at hand." + +Editor Woodsit reached over and touched a button on the keyboard; it +was button No. 9. Immediately the lid or top of tube No. 9 flew open +and the head and face of a man appeared; it was the head and face of +Commissioner Dent. + +"This friend of mine," said Editor Woodsit, sternly, "complains that he +can't get your department to connect the pipe with the water main in +front of his property. My friend is a Republican, Dent, and he is a +reformer. What excuse have you to offer for neglecting him?" + +Commissioner Dent turned very pale and he vainly tried to stammer an +apology. + +"This is a pretty kind of reform!" cried Editor Woodsit, savagely. "If +a similar complaint occurs again I shall have your case investigated by +my legal and spiritual counsellor, Joshua Selah, and may be have you +impeached. Now see that Mr. Baker's reasonable demands are complied +with at once." + +With these words Editor Woodsit touched another button, and the head +and face of Commissioner Dent disappeared and the top closed down over +the box. It was all the work of two or three minutes, and it was +certainly the most marvellous experience I had ever met with. My +wonderment increased when I learned an hour later, upon my arrival +home, that less than fifteen minutes (as I figure it) after I left +Editor Woodsit's office an employé of Commissioner Dent's department +came galloping up to my place on a foam-flecked steed, and, vaulting +from his saddle, unswung his melting-furnace, soldering-irons, and +other tools, and, quicker than you could say a pater noster, tapped the +water main and made the desired connection with the pipe that fed my +premises. + +"I guess you must have a pull at the City Hall," said Uncle Si; and +then he went on to tell me how people who have no pull have to wait +weeks, sometimes, before their just requirements are answered by the +municipal authorities. If what Uncle Si tells me is true I cannot be +too glad that I have what is even more efficacious than a pull at the +City Hall--a friend in Editor Woodsit. + + + + +XIV + +THE VICTIM OF AN ORDINANCE. + +And now that a plentiful supply of water was provided, it seemed proper +to celebrate by giving the lawn (poor abused thing!) a deluge of the +refreshing element. The exceeding ardor of the sun and the absence of +rain had wrought havoc with the grass and shrubbery. The drought +seemed determined to finish the work of destruction which the workmen, +with their picks and spades, had begun. With a joyous heart, +therefore, I applied myself to the task of rescuing the fainting +vegetation. I borrowed Mr. Tiltman's hose because it was the best and +longest in the neighborhood and was provided with a patent nozzle which +was so versatile that there was actually no detail in its business +which it did not perform in a most masterly way. I shall never forget +the feeling of exultation with which I stood on that expansive lawn and +sprayed the parched grass and drooping shrubbery. I fancied I could +see the thirsty blades and leaves reach up to drink in the restoring +element. My thoughts while I was thus engaged were similar, I suppose, +to those of benevolent men who hasten to the succor of their suffering +fellow-beings. I can imagine that it was with some such inspiring +feelings that relief was borne to Livingstone in Africa and to Greely +in the Arctic Circle. To the good man it is always a pleasure to do an +act of magnanimity, and the fact that my considerate regard for our +lawn involved no danger or privation did not serve in the least to +abate my satisfaction in the performance of my task. + +While I was thus engaged I observed a stranger coming up the lawn +toward me. I bade him a very good morning, but he seemed disinclined +to exchange civilities with me. He was a low-browed, roughish-looking +fellow, and I conceived an immediate dislike for him. + +"You 'll have to give me your name," said he, very gruffly. + +"For what purpose?" I asked, for his tone and manner nettled me. + +"I 'm a detective," said he, exhibiting a silver star on his vest +front, "and I 'm on the trail of you ducks that sprinkle your lawns +after legal hours. Oh, I 'm onto your racket." + +"Sir," said I, indignantly, "I have made no racket. I am a quiet, +law-abiding citizen, and this is my own lawn to do with as I please." + +"Come, now," said he, insolently, "don't give me any funny business. +You 're sprinklin' after hours and I 'm going to report you to police +headquarters. There 's no use of kickin', so you 'd better give me +your name an' save trouble." + +"Sir," I cried, "Reuben Baker is not a name to be ashamed of, and if +you think that by any of your underhand hocus pocus you can trespass on +my premises and prevent my caring for my own property you are grandly +mistaken." + +"You 'll sing a different song to-morrer," said the fellow, and I am +sure I heard him chuckling to himself as he walked away. + +Later in the day I learned from neighbor Baylor that I had indeed +transgressed the law by operating the lawn hose at ten o'clock in the +morning. It seems that there is an ordinance imposing a fine upon all +who sprinkle their lawns between eight o'clock in the morning and five +o'clock in the afternoon. + +I declared in very vigorous English that I would never submit to any +such outrage, and my indignation touched the boiling point when, still +later in the day, a policeman came to my house and handed me a document +apprising me that I must give a good and sufficient bond for my +appearance the next morning before his honor, Justice Fatty, to answer +to the charge of having maliciously, etc., defied, disobeyed and broken +the ordinance, etc. I went at once to seek the counsel of Lawyer +Miles, for whose legal acumen and forensic eloquence I had harbored the +profoundest veneration ever since I had heard his prosecution of a man +named Tackleton for causing the death of neighbor Baylor's pet dog. I +recall that on that occasion there was not a dry eye in the court and +that even the defendant himself wept copiously; whereupon the presiding +justice, fearing that he might be unduly influenced by the emotion of +the auditors, ordered the constable to clear the room of everybody not +a party to the cause. At this supreme moment Lawyer Miles, with +streaming eyes and amid choking sobs, cried out: "Mercy, your honor; in +the name of the tenderest and holiest of human considerations I appeal +for mercy! Turn out the men-folks if you will, but spare, oh, spare +the women and children." + +Ever since this memorable occasion I have regarded Lawyer Miles as the +foremost of living jurists, and it was the most natural thing in the +world that I should determine to confide to him any legal business of +mine that might arise--in which determination I was confirmed by a +suspicion that Lawyer Miles never charged his neighbors any fee for his +professional services. + +I was not a little surprised when, having heard my story, Lawyer Miles +counselled me to plead guilty to the charge and to pay the regulation +fine, which together with the costs (so called), amounted to seven +dollars and fifty cents. It was in vain that I represented to Lawyer +Miles the outrage of punishing a man for seeking to beautify his +premises, and thereby to contribute to the comfort and delectation of +the public generally. Lawyer Miles took the narrow view that the +ordinance had been violated, and that, therefore, the fine should be +paid. "The ordinance may be an unwise one," said he. "In that event +we should elect a city council that will repeal it. But so long as the +law exists it should be enforced." + +The advice of Lawyer Miles, coupled with the tears of Alice, finally +prevailed. Alice fancied that I was in danger of being committed to +prison, and she hysterically represented to me the horror of the +ignominy which would ever thereafter attach to our family name. In one +breath she proposed to send post haste for our pastor, the Rev. Dr. +Sungaulus, in the hope that by means of his spiritual ministrations I +might be dissuaded from further defiance of the law; in the next breath +she conjured me by every regard I had for the future of our +children--Galileo, Herschel, Fanny, Erasmus, and Josephine--to listen +to the Voice of Reason. At the mention of Josephine's name I weakened, +for, as I have already intimated to you, the innocent babe has acquired +a powerful hold upon the tendrils of my heart. In an instant my anger +departed. + +"It shall be as you say, Alice: I will pay the fine and costs. But +from this moment I consecrate my life to the election of councilmen +from the Twenty-fifth Ward who will repeal that odious ordinance and +make it legal for property-owners to sprinkle their lawns when and how +they please." + +In looking back over the short period of the history of "our house" I +find no other incident so disagreeable as this one which I have just +narrated. Even at this remote date I cannot refer to it without +feeling my gorge rise. By nature I am peaceful, and I am exceeding +slow to wrath. But anything that savors of injustice exasperates me to +the degree of frenzy. I am still fixed in my determination to secure +the repeal of the ordinance which robbed me of seven dollars and fifty +cents and is jeoparding the lives of my lilac bushes, my peonies, my +twin cherry-trees (George and Martha), and my grass. I intend to see +that the matter is brought up at the next quarterly meeting of the +Buena Park Benevolent and Protective Citizens' Association, and you can +depend upon it that when that association speaks its tones are heard +around the world and go thundering down the ages. + +This affair of mine with the odious ordinance was duly reported in the +daily newspapers through the delectable medium of the column headed +"Minor Criminal Items." It did not conduce to my equanimity to see my +name catalogued with persons arrested for sneak thievery, +pocket-picking, drunkenness, brawling, and mayhem. I never before +suspected that my friends made a practice of perusing the criminal +calendar, but after the appearance of that disagreeable item in print I +began to get letters from old acquaintances condoling with me and +asking whether they could be of any service to me in my trouble. Some +of these letters must have been dispatched in a spirit of humor, but I +see nothing mirthfull in the association of an honest man's name with +crime, and the people who have sought to poke fun at me in this +unpleasant affair need not be at all surprised if I do not bow to them +the next time we meet. + +Another class of people I have no sympathy with are those who do not +recognize in our purchase of a home a cause for general joy and +congratulation. You may not believe it, but it is nevertheless a fact +that within the last two months I have met people and apprised them of +our purchase and they have never so much as expressed even the least +bit of delight. My old friend Slashon Tomsing, who makes considerable +pretense to being interested in the public welfare--why, when I met him +at the Civic Federation rooms not long ago and began to tell him of our +new home, instead of being swept away (as it were) upon a tidal wave of +rapture, he immediately changed the theme of conversation and asked my +opinion of bimetallism. I gave him to understand very distinctly that +the public was in very poor business if it suffered itself to become +interested in bimetallism or in any other ism so long as it had an +opportunity to discuss "our new house" as a living, absorbing, and +burning theme. + +Another friend, my old and particularly valued friend, Professor Sniff, +curator of Mahon's Museum of Marvels--but I'll let that affair pass; +for Professor Sniff certainly did not intend to wound my feelings by +his apparent indifference; moreover, he has promised to send me for my +private collection all the duplicates that occur in section E of his +museum, which section is devoted exclusively to dried centipedes, +tarantulas, and beetles and to Mexican lizards in bottles of alcohol. + +All who have ever engaged in the enterprise of a new house will agree +with me when I say that nothing else wounds one more deeply than the +indifference of the rest of humanity to what is nearest and dearest to +his heart. When I walk the street nowadays I actually pity the crowds +of people I see, because, forsooth, they know nothing of the great joy +I have acquired in that blessed house. Alice made me take her to hear +a Mme. Melba in Italian opera last month at the Auditorium. As we came +away Alice asked: "Was n't it grand?" + +"Yes," I answered, "and yet amid it all I was oppressed by a feeling of +sadness. For, of all the six thousand souls in that splendid building, +only you and I, dear Alice, were aware that the old Schmittheimer place +had passed into the possession of the two happiest people on earth." + + + + +XV + +THE QUESTION OF INSURANCE + +My neighbor, Mr. Teddy, called on me one morning as I sat under a +willow tree watching the tinner at work on the roof and wondering +whether it was really as nice and warm on a tin roof under an +unobscured sun as it seemed to be. + +"Do you know," said Mr. Teddy, cordially, "this is the first time I +have ever visited this place. Frequently in my walks of an evening I +have passed here, and, in common with others, I have admired the +graceful slope of the lawn, the stately dignity of the trees, and the +bright colors of the flowers that here and there dot the verdant +expanse. Surely in the possession of this charming estate you are, my +dear friend, one of the most fortunate of mortals. Your life amid +these picturesque environments, in this sequestered spot, far from the +din and turmoil of the urban throng, will be in every respect ideal--a +dream, sir, a poetic dream." + +You will perhaps understand by this time that I regard Mr. Teddy as an +exceptionally worthy and pleasant gentleman. + +"And," continued Mr. Teddy, "it would be cruel if your studious +researches in this academic grove were by any chance to be interrupted +by any harassing business care. The serpent of worldly solicitude, +sir, should never be suffered to enter this veritable Eden." + +"You are right, my good friend and neighbor," said I, "but how can I +prevent the intrusion of care, since, alas! I am merely human?" + +"It behooves you to make provision against every contingency," answered +Mr. Teddy. "Do I understand that you carry insurance upon this +residence?" + +"Insurance? Why, no, I think not," said I. "Insurance is a matter I +never thought of." + +"Is it possible," cried Mr. Teddy, "that you have neglected to provide +against that serious loss which would accrue if a careless workman were +to drop a lighted match in yonder pile of shavings? Think for one +moment, sir, of the ruin that would confront you if this magnificent +but uninsured architectural pile were to be swept away by the pale hand +of the remorseless fire fiend! I beg of you to provide yourself with +the means of redress ere you are overtaken by the bitter pill of +adversity. Mr. Baker, your beautiful home should be insured at once!" + +It then occurred to me for the first time that neighbor Teddy was the +general western agent of the Royal Liliuokalani Fire, Marine and +Accident Insurance Company of Hawaii. I have often wondered why a man +when he embarks in the insurance business invariably attaches himself +to a concern located in some far distant clime, and now that I am +thinking of it, I will add that I have often wondered why the efficacy +of patent medicines is so often testified to by the affidavits of +people with strange names who reside in queer streets in obscure +hamlets hundreds of miles distant from the place of publication. + +"It would be wise of you," said Mr. Teddy, "to let me write you out a +policy immediately. It is always prudent to take time by the forelock. +Our rates are low, and, as you doubtless are aware, our company is the +most prosperous in the world. We were awarded a medal at the World's +Fair. + +"I know absolutely nothing about these things," said I, candidly, "but +I suppose we ought to have the place insured. I should be glad to have +you drop around some evening and talk the matter over with Alice and +me." + +To this suggestion Mr. Teddy took very kindly and he promised to call +very soon. As he retired down the gravel walk Colonel Bobbett Doller +came up the same. The two gentlemen saluted each other very coldly. + +"Colonel Doller is coming to talk to me about that twenty-five foot +strip of land," says I to myself; but I was in error. + +"Ah, good morning, neighbor Baker, good morning!" cried Colonel Doller, +cheerily. "Beautiful weather we 're having--too dry, though, much too +dry! All nature is parched. We need rain badly; otherwise the most +lamentable consequences will follow. I dare say you have noticed by +the paper how alarmingly prevalent conflagrations have become?" + +"Have they?" I asked, in genuine surprise. + +"Shockingly so," answered Colonel Doller. "The record is simply +appalling. If this thing continues a lot of the little mushroom +insurance companies will fail; it 's an ill wind that blows nobody +good. The public will presently awaken to a realization of the danger +of patronizing the irresponsible concerns which are trying to do +business under the shadow of the old and reliable companies." + +"Do you really think there will be a panic?" I asked. + +"Among the small fry, yes," answered Colonel Doller; "but nothing short +of a universal cataclysm will feaze to the slightest degree the +Vesuvius Assurance Company (limited) of Piddleton, England, the oldest +and staunchest insurance company in the world, of which I am, as +perhaps you know, the general manager for the western hemisphere." + +"We--and when I say we," continued Colonel Doller, "I mean the +Vesuvius--we have a cash capital of eighteen million pounds, and a +reserve fund of twelve million five hundred and sixty-eight thousand +two hundred pounds, three shillings, and six pence. Our losses last +year were six million three hundred thousand pounds in round numbers, +and our premiums were eight million five hundred and sixty-three +thousand two hundred and sixty-five pounds and eighteen pence. So you +can see for yourself (for figures do not lie) that the Vesuvius is as +solid as the everlasting hills." + +"The Royal Liliuokalani is a pretty good company, is n't it?" says I. + +"The Royal Liliuokalani?" repeated Colonel Doller. "The Royal +Liliuokalani? Let me see--I don't know that I ever heard of it. It's +a Milwaukee concern, is n't it?" + +"No," said I, "my understanding is that it is a Hawaiian enterprise." + +"Possibly so--very likely it is," said Colonel Doller, indifferently. +"There are so many of these little schemes springing up nowadays that I +do not pretend to keep track of them. If, however, you should at any +time contemplate insuring you will, of course, come to the Vesuvius." + +I repeated to Colonel Doller what I had told Mr. Teddy about the +feasibility of consulting Alice. Colonel Doller replied that while the +Vesuvius was entirely too big and too conservative a company ever to +skirmish for business, he would, purely out of regard for his long +friendship for me, call that evening to have a business talk with Alice +and me. + +Later in the day I had a visit from Frederick Jeems, another neighbor +engaged in the profession of fire insurance. He began his attack +adroitly by complimenting my new house and by regretting that I was +shingling the roof. + +"But so long as you 're insured," said he, carelessly, "I don't know +that it makes any difference whether you use shingles or slate." + +I confessed that I had not taken out any insurance, and this gave him +the desired opportunity to bring up his batteries of eloquence, of +argument, of statistics, and of figures. Before he was done he had +overwhelmed the Royal Liliuokalani of Hawaii and the Vesuvius of +Piddleton with a genuine avalanche of scorn and derision, and had quite +convinced me that the only solvent and secure insurance concern in the +world was the Deutsche Kaiser of Bomberg-am-Rhine. In an inspired +moment I bade Mr. Jeems come round that very evening to present his +facts and figures to Alice, and I laughed slyly to myself as I pictured +the meeting between himself, Mr. Teddy, and Colonel Doller. This may +strike you as having been malicious, but I claim that under the +circumstances I was warranted in planning this practical joke. + +Having disposed of these three gentlemen, I flattered myself that I was +temporarily done with the vexatious details of insurance, and I was +getting ready to bank up one of the flowerbeds with black dirt when who +should come along but another neighbor, and a very charming one, +too--Angus Cameron Macleod? For two years we have been more or less +intimate. Macleod combines many strangely diverse accomplishments. He +executes the sword dance with singular grace, and he recites Robert +Burns' poems and passages from "Marmion" by the yard, and with +inspiring animation. Although I am in no sense a music critic, nor +even a connoisseur, I will confess that I have often been actually +transported with delight by neighbor Macleod's rendition of "The +Campbells Are Coming" on the bagpipes. At the same time he is a +skilful rhetorician and severe logician, as all who have heard his +defence of Presbyterianism will testify, and I will concede that I +never heard anything more absorbingly fascinating than his exposition +of the honest and ennobling old doctrine of infant damnation. If you +knew Macleod you 'd agree with me that he is a man of parts. + +"Now that your house is pretty nearly done," said Macleod, "you ought +to take out some insurance in our company, the Bonny Thistle Marine of +Inverness." + +"But gracious me!" I cried in astonishment. "Why should I take out any +marine insurance on a _house_?" + +"For the very best reason in the world," answered Mr. Macleod. "Your +house stands within two hundred yards of one of the fiercest inland +seas of the world. Even now you can hear the tempestuous billows +dashing wildly upon yonder treacherous sands, and you can see the surf +madly reaching out as if to overwhelm this fair spot with its fatal +fury. At any time a tidal wave is likely to sweep in from the frowning +shores of Michigan. Fancy for one moment what would become of this +beautiful but delicate fabric if that mighty lake were to burst its +confines and surge in one vast wall in this direction! Has not the +immortal Scott truly said: + + "Against the wrath of nature how vain + the works of man? + + +"My dear Baker, you certainly are too sensible a man to be blind to the +security which is held out to you in this supreme moment of peril by +the Bonny Thistle Marine of Inverness." + +I admit that I knew not what to say. I had never before suspected any +of these dangers which, according to my friends, now seemed imminent. +On the one hand our cherished new house was threatened by fire; on the +other hand that same dear edifice seemed to be doomed to a watery +grave. Under these conflicting threatenings what was an inexperienced +man to do? Heaven be praised, my presence of mind did not desert me. +I referred Mr. Macleod to Alice, as I had referred the others. It was +her house, and she would have to be responsible for it against the +devouring elements. + +That night I dreamed that the awful suggestions of Messrs. Teddy, +Jeems, Doller, and Macleod had been realized. I dreamed that the new +house was confronted upon one side by a wall of flame, and upon the +other by a wall of water. Destruction and death seemed imminent. I +dreamed that, trusting rather the mercy of the waves than the ferocity +of the flames, I leaped into the billows and struggled like a Titan +with them. I awoke, screaming with affright. + + + + +XVI + +NEIGHBOR ROBBINS' PLATYPUS + +I wish you knew Burr Robbins. It is quite likely, however, that you +_do_ know him, for he has been conspicuously before the public for a +number of years. Mr. Robbins lives just across the way from the old +Schmittheimer place, and he has surrounded himself with comforts and +luxuries of a most extraordinary character. He is a retired circus +proprietor, and he has taken with him into retirement many of the most +startling features of the menagerie which used to figure as one of the +most delectable component parts of the "absolutely greatest +agglomeration of marvels exhibiting under one canvas." + +In his front yard Mr. Robbins pastures two trained buffalo, a sacred +cow, a gnu (or horned horse), two musk deer, a giraffe, a woolly horse, +a five-legged calf and a moose. In the back yard there are two white +bear cubs, a baby elephant, a nest of pythons, half a dozen ostriches, +a learned pig, several alligators and crocodiles, and a giant sloth +from South America. The stable is well stocked with monkeys, parrots, +eagles, lizards, tortoises and other curiosities, and in the watering +trough are a sea serpent and a mermaid (said to be the only specimens +of these marvels in a domesticated state). + +Alice expressed some anxiety at first that the proximity of the strange +creatures might prove unpleasant to us, and she strictly forbade little +Erasmus associating with the pythons or pulling the crocodiles' tails. +Mr. Robbins has assured us, however, that his pets are docile and +trustworthy, and it is his custom to invite the little children of the +neighborhood to visit and play with the most tractable of them. + +I got acquainted with neighbor Robbins in a rather curious manner. His +platypus escaped from its cage in the stable and sought refuge in our +front yard. I discovered that it had made a nest in one of our lilac +bushes and had laid an egg in it. With eggs at twenty cents a dozen +and our family fond of custard, an industrious platypus is by no means +an unwelcome visitor. When Mr. Robbins came looking for his vagrant +pet I suggested that a flock of platypuses would be a decided +improvement upon the poultry with which the average farmer stocks his +farm. I was considerably surprised to learn from Mr. Robbins that the +market price of platypuses is eight hundred dollars apiece, and I at +once foresaw that this strange creature was not likely to become the +dreaded competitor of the hen in the midst of us. + +Erasmus and little Josephine became deeply interested in Mr. Robbins, +and they are now spending a large share of their time in the society +either of that fascinating gentleman or of his equally fascinating wild +beasts. Erasmus has learned to throw a back-somersault with surprising +ease and grace and to sing a comic song with electrical effect. These +accomplishments he has acquired under the careful tutelage of Rufe +Botts, formerly known to fame as Professor Botts, manager of the +Nonpareil Congress of Trained Dogs and Trick Ponies. I understand that +he also served Mr. Robbins in "the palmy days" as a clown in the ring +during the regular performance and as a serio-comic vocalist at the +concert immediately after the show under the great canvas. Relentless +time, however, rings in wondrous changes, and the whilom Professor +Rufus Botts, pride alike of the amphitheatre and of the concert stage, +is now plain Rufe Botts on a salary of four dollars a week (and found) +as Mr. Robbins' man of all work. + +Alice and I have feared that Rufe's influence might not be beneficial +to the children. It pains us to observe that Josephine has learned to +ride a padded horse and to leap with surprising certainty through a +hoop and over a banner. Erasmus does not disguise his intention of +joining a circus when he reaches the age of maturity, and I happened to +overhear Rufe remark the other day that our daughter Fanny, with just a +leetle more practice, would make a ne plus ultra snake-charmer and +knife-thrower. Mr. Robbins has laughed at our solicitude; he tells us +that these are the vagarious fancies and exuberant whims of youth and +that they will duly die out. This is really very consoling to me, for +I can conceive of nothing else more humiliating than the spectacle of +our beloved Josephine flaunting around a circus ring upon the back of a +fat horse and attired in shockingly scanty raiment. It would break his +mother's heart if Erasmus were to diverge from that course in theology +which she has mapped out and were to embark in the picturesque +profession of turning somersaults in public. Our family reputation +would surely be irreparably damaged if our Fanny were to be beguiled +into the fascinating but hazardous arts of a snake-charmer and a +knife-thrower! Heaven send that our fears be dissipated by future +events! + +And yet, full of temptations and of misery as I believe the career of a +circus performer to be, I am entertained and instructed by neighbor +Robbins' recital of his exploits and experiences, and I am deeply +stirred by his narrative of the adventures he had in the capture of +those same wild beasts which now embellish his expansive estate in +Clarendon Avenue. Indeed, a peculiar interest is now attached by me to +each particular beast, for I have heard Mr. Robbins tell how in their +native jungles or on their native pampas or in their native lagoons or +among their native rocky fastnesses he sought and found and +comprehended the lemurs, the bisons, the alligators, the rackaboars, +and the other marvels of zoölogy. + +It is very pleasant, I can assure you, to listen to tales of adventure +while one is engaged at the somewhat prosaic task of trimming a lilac +bush or of weeding the pansy bed. Whenever he discovers me at this +kind of toil neighbor Robbins comes over and leans up against a tree +and beguiles the tedium of labor with a bit of personal experience. I +can't begin to tell you how attached I have already become to Mr. +Robbins. I have already made up my mind that when his own front lawn +gets pretty well cleaned out I shall ask neighbor Robbins to pasture +his sacred cow, horned horse, and five-legged calf in our front yard +for a spell. + +I shall never forget the shock I had one afternoon while Mr. Robbins +and I were visiting on our front lawn. I had been pruning one of the +poplars and Mr. Robbins was telling me of the difficulty Professor +Rufus Botts and he had once had trying to teach the wild man of Borneo +to eat olives and anchovy paste. Suddenly I saw a strange object pass +up the street on a bicycle. I had never seen the like before. My +acquaintance with Burr Robbins' menagerie had made me familiar with +most of the curious forms of animal life, but never before had I seen +so remarkable an object as I beheld upon that bicycle. + +"Look there! Look quick!" said I to neighbor Robbins. "It is going up +the street and it has wheels under it!" + +"Where?" asked Mr. Robbins; "I don't see anything." + +"Yes, you do," said I; "I mean the queer thing on the bicycle--can it +be one of your trained animals that has got away?" + +"Bless your soul, man," answered Mr. Robbins, "that's not an animal! +That's a woman!" + +"Oh, no, it is n't," said I. "No woman ever dressed like that." + +"No woman ever dressed like that?" echoed Mr. Robbins, with a mocking +laugh; "why, neighbor Baker, where have you been hiding so long that +you 're so behind the times?" + +"I 've not been hiding at all," said I, indignantly. "I 've been +living in Evanston Avenue, and a very worthy locality it is, too!" + +"And do you mean to tell me," asked Mr. Robbins, "that women don't ride +the bicycle in Evanston Avenue?" + +"Of course they do," said I, "but they don't look like _that_! The +women that ride in Evanston Avenue wear dresses, the same as other +women wear. This strange object (which you declare is a woman) wears +pants!" + +"Those ain't pants," said Mr. Robbins; "those are bloomers." + +"I don't care what you call them," said I, "they 're pants just the +same, and, what is more, very ill-fitting pants at that!" + +"That," said Mr. Robbins, "is the new style of bicycle attire for the +feminine sex. Shocking as it may appear to you, it is much more ample +than the costume which I found to be popular among the female +bicyclists of France during my visit to that country last summer." + +"But you don't mean to tell me," said I, "that women make a practice of +riding up and down Clarendon Avenue in pants!" + +"Certainly, I do," said Mr. Robbins. "We do things in style over this +way. Evanston Avenue is a century behind the times. Oh, you 'll learn +a lot of things when you get moved over here into your new house." + +"But I 'll not stand it!" I cried. "I 'll inform the police and I 'll +have the law on these brazen creatures. What would Alice say! And +what would become of Fanny and of little Josephine if they were brought +up under the demoralizing influences of spectacles like that! Do you +suppose I 'm going to have Galileo and Herschel corrupted? And little +Erasmus--shall his pure, innocent mind be contaminated? Never, +neighbor Robbins, never!" + +But Mr. Robbins did not seem to view the matter at all as I did. It +was evident that his long connection with the circus had calloused the +sensibility of his perceptive faculties. He was inclined to jeer at +what he termed my prudishness. I was glad to be back in Evanston +Avenue once more, secure in an atmosphere of propriety. It was several +hours, however, before I could get my mind away from thoughts of that +woman in pants, so profoundly had her appearance in that strangely +abbreviated costume shocked me. + + + + +XVII + +OUR DEVICES FOR ECONOMIZING + +Unless you want to render yourself liable to an attack of nervous +prostration you should never watch a skilful workman nailing on lath. +It is the most bewildering spectacle you can conceive of. I watched it +for twenty minutes one day--it was when they were lathing the big front +room downstairs, the library, and my brain began to reel as if I were +intoxicated. I actually believe that if Uncle Si had not led me away +and set me down under one of the willow-trees in the front yard I +should have had a spell of sickness, and may be even now had been +confined in the incurable ward of a lunatic asylum. I can't understand +how they do it so accurately and so fast and with such apparent ease. +The whole proceeding is so fascinating that I really believe that, next +to proficiency in the science of astronomy, I should like to be an +expert at nailing lath. In every line of mechanics my education has +been grievously neglected. + +Alice says that I am not practical enough to make a successful +carpenter; she gets this unfair opinion of me from an incident in our +early wedded life which she delights in recalling in the presence of +people upon whom I am particularly desirous of making a favorable +impression. It seems that when Galileo and Herschel were little tots I +undertook to construct a playhouse for them in the back yard. This was +at a time when I was exceptionally busied with my professional studies; +Mars was rapidly approaching perihelion, and I had been commissioned by +the Blue Island Society of the Arts and Sciences to prepare a chart of +the bottle-neck seas. It would have been surprising indeed had I not +been preoccupied--too absorbed in intellectual pursuits to cope +successfully with any such worldly and prosaic thing as a playhouse in +the back yard. Yet Alice insists that it is most amusing that I should +have neglected to provide that structure with windows and a door, and +that, as a natural consequence, I should have nailed myself up securely +in that affair. + +On another occasion I painted myself gradually into a corner while +attempting to paint the floor of the spare chamber. Alice reproached +me bitterly for this; she said she supposed everybody knew that a floor +should always be painted toward, and not away from the door. Alice +seems never to consider that few other people are gifted with such +intuitions as she has, but are compelled to drag along through life +learning by experience. + +I do not wish to be understood as complaining or railing against fate +because I am not skilled in mechanics; I recognize as a distinct boon +the fact that I am awkward in the use of tools, and the further fact +that I have no ambition in the direction of mechanical endeavor has +doubtless saved me many a bruised thumb and a vast amount of hard +labor. When I see my neighbors tinkering away at their storm windows +and garbage boxes and grape vine trellises and dog kennels and window +screens and front gates, I do not neglect to thank heaven that Alice +has the best of reasons for not asking me to engage in similar odd jobs +about our house. + +Still, I am sure that, if I ever do engage in any avocation, it will be +that of nailing lath, an employment requiring an exercise of patience, +of intelligence, and of skill to the highest degree. + +Until we bought the new place I had no idea that the expense of +conducting an establishment of one's own was so large. It seems, +however, that when one has once become a property-owner there is no end +to the things one must have and cannot get along without. It is +impossible to say how or where the venders of patent arrangements find +out about you, but no sooner do you buy a place of your own than you +are run to death by people who actually prove to you that you _must_ +have what they have to sell. + +Alice and I are very happy in the confidence that we have secured a +simple device which is going to reduce our coal bill by at least fifty +per cent.; it is a fuel-saving machine which is to be attached to our +new steam-heating apparatus, and if it accomplishes anything like what +the agent said it would, why, it is worth five dollars ten times over! +And we are expecting wonders, too, of the gas-saving apparatus for +which we have paid three dollars and which is to be attached to the +meter with such pleasing results that we shall have five times more +light at a saving of at least sixty per cent in cost. + +I find upon consulting my expense account for May that during that +month alone Alice and I purchased no fewer than thirty devices of an +economical character. We have three different kinds of +smoke-consumers, an automatic carpet-sweeper, a bottle of lightning +polish for plate-glass, a dish-washing machine, a knife-scourer, a +potato-parer, two automatic lawn-hose reels, a sewer-gas consumer, a +patent ashes-sifter, etc., etc. It has required a considerable outlay +of money to get stocked up with these things, but we regard them as a +very wise investment. It is wholly consistent with our policy of +economy to provide ourselves with the means of making a marked +reduction in our expenses. We flatter ourselves that before we have +been in our house six months we shall have demonstrated that we are not +upon earth for the purpose of enriching gas companies and other +soulless corporations. + +But I think the wisest investment we have made is the insurance policy +which we have taken out on Alice's life. The incident came about so +curiously that I feel inclined to tell it in detail. I was one evening +sitting out in front of our house--the rented one, I mean--watching the +stars gradually making their appearance in the cerulean vault, and I +was marvelling at the endless wonders of the heavenly expanse, when I +became aware that somebody was approaching. I saw that this somebody +was my Sheridan Road friend and neighbor, Treese Smith. He was +whistling softly to himself an air which I did not recognize, but which +my daughter Fanny (who is a music connoisseur) identified as "My Pearl +Is a Bowery Girl." Presuming that he was coming to pay me a neighborly +call, I arose to meet him. Fancy my amazement when upon beholding me +Mr. Smith burst into tears. I do not remember ever to have been more +astounded than by this sudden transition from gayety to grief. I could +hardly find words to ask my friend what trouble had befallen him. + +"I was hoping to meet no one," he sobbed, "for I am in no condition of +mind to associate with my fellow-beings." + +"It is evident," I interposed, "that some great sorrow has come upon +you; surely you would not hesitate to come to me for sympathy." + +"You are right," said Mr. Smith, making a heroic effort to gather +himself together. "It would be selfish of me not to give so dear a +neighbor as you a chance to share my misery. Read this." + +He handed me a bit of printed stuff which he had evidently cut from a +newspaper. I stood under the street lamp and read it in this wise: + + +KANSAS CITY, May 23.--During the thunder-storm to-day Mrs. Bolivar +Bowers, wife of the well-known scientist, was struck and destroyed by +lightning. Deceased leaves a husband and five children; no insurance. + + +"Ah, I see," said I in my gentlest tone; "she was a dear +friend--perhaps a relative of yours." + +"No, not that," said Mr. Smith, still sobbing; "you misinterpret my +grief. This party was in no way akin to me except under that common +descent from the old Adam which makes all humanity brothers and +sisters. I did not know deceased, nor did I ever see her." + +"Then why," I asked, in some astonishment, "why are you so moved by the +news of her death?" + +"To one of my nature," exclaimed Mr. Smith, "the circumstances detailed +in this item are most painful to contemplate. We find here recorded +the sudden demise of the sole support of a husband and five children--a +wife and mother snatched away by death, leaving a helpless family +without any visible means of support." + +"But why without any means of support?" I asked. + +"It says so," answered Mr. Smith. "The husband is a scientist and is +therefore by nature and by occupation disqualified for earning a +livelihood." + +"Surely enough," said I, "that is quite true." + +"Can you picture a more distressing scene," continued Mr. Smith, still +in tears, "than that of this helpless father and his five little ones +standing above that lifeless lady and wondering where their food and +raiment will come from now? It is sad, it is agonizing, it is awful! +And yet it all might have been averted--all this solicitude about the +future. Had Mrs. Bolivar Bowers taken out a policy in my company, the +International Mutual Tontine Life Insurance Company of Paw Paw, +Indiana, the aspect to-day would have been different, and Bolivar +Bowers and his callow brood of little Bowerses would have reason to +bless the rod that smote them. Ah, friend Baker, the International +Mutual Tontine has done a glorious work toward mitigating the wrath of +the grim destroyer; under the grace of its soothing balm bereavement +becomes an actual pleasure, death loses its sting, and the grave its +victory." + +From this small, casual beginning followed that train of explanation +and argument upon Mr. Smith's part which led to Alice's taking out a +life policy in the Indiana company. Mr. Smith is a man of broad and +deep human sympathies. Had he not happened upon that newspaper item, +had his heart not gone out in passionate sympathy toward the bereaved +Bolivar Bowers and his little ones, had he not wandered in an +irresponsible paroxysm of grief in the direction of my house that +evening, and had he not confided his sorrow to me--why, then we should +not have known of the greatest of human benefactors, and Alice would +not now be safe (so to speak) in the bosom of the International Mutual +Tontine Life Insurance Company of Paw Paw. + +I do not regard these things as accidental; they are special +providences. + + + + +XVIII + +I STATE MY VIEWS ON TAXATION + +Of the many friends who hastened to congratulate us when they heard +that we had acquired a home, none was more delighted than Gamlin +Harland. I take it for granted that you have read Mr. Harland's +numerous books, and that you know all about Mr. Harland himself. Not +to know of him is to argue one's self unknown. + +My first meeting with Mr. Harland was at a single-tax convention six +years ago; he was a delegate to that convention from Wisconsin, and I +was a delegate from Illinois. I was a delegate because the manager of +the party, who lives in New York, could n't find anybody else to serve +as the delegate from the congressional district in which I lived. I +thought that rather than have that district unrepresented I ought to +serve, and so I did. The acquaintance I then made with Gamlin Harland +soon ripened into friendship, and this intimacy has lasted ever since. +Mr. Harland insists that I am a single-tax man, and it may be that I am +in theory, although I certainly am not in practice; for I never have +paid any tax of any kind, be it single or double. + +As soon as he heard of our purchase Mr. Harland came out to inspect the +premises, and of course he was delighted. + +"This will make a new man of you," said he to me. "It will take your +mind off your impracticable star-gazing and moonshining, and divert +your attention into the channels of realism. These premises are so +spacious as to admit of your engaging to a considerable extent in +agriculture; you can now lay aside the telescope and the spectrum for +the spade and the hoe; the field of speculation can be abandoned for +this noble acre which I hope soon to see smiling into an abundant +harvest." + +"Yes," said I, "it is my purpose to engage largely in the cultivation +of flowers." + +"Pshaw!" cried Mr. Harland, "there you go again! Don't you know that +flowers are wholly worthless except in so far as they pander to the +gratification of a sensuous appetite? It would be a crime to surrender +these opportunities to ignoble uses. You must raise vegetables here, +or perhaps some of the small fruits would thrive better in this rich +sandy soil." + +Investigation satisfied Mr. Harland that blackberries were _the_ +particular kind of small fruit to which the soil seemed adapted. I was +not surprised at this, for I knew that the blackberry was a favorite +with Mr. Harland--in fact, Mr. Harland is the only author I know of who +has written a novel whose plot hinges (so to speak) upon a blackberry. +So passionately fond of this fruit is he that he devotes a part of the +year to cultivating blackberries on his Wisconsin farm. There are +invidious persons who intimate that his only reason for cultivating the +blackberry is to be found in the fact that nothing else will grow on +his farm, and presumably you have heard the epigram which the +romanticists have perpetrated at Mr. Harland's expense, and which +represents that ambitious and aggressive gentleman as raising +blackberries in summer and ---- in winter. + +After getting me thoroughly inoculated with the blackberry idea, and +having duly impressed me with his theory that true manhood consisted of +making one's self unspeakably miserable and sweaty with a shovel and a +hoe, Mr. Harland broached his favorite topic, and ventured the +assertion that now that I was the possessor of taxable property I would +become as rabid a single-tax advocate as Henry George himself. I +answered that I already advocated a single-tax system, for the reason +that if we could only once get a single-tax system in vogue we should +then be but one remove from no taxation at all, and would have less +difficulty in securing that desirable end ultimately. + +The truth of the matter is, I object to taxation only in so far as it +affects me. I have no objection to other folk being taxed, but I do +not fancy being taxed myself. I agree with Brother Harland that there +is palpable injustice in making an industrious and public-spirited man +pay for the so-called privilege of building himself a home; he pays the +carpenters and masons and painters for making that home, and he is then +expected to pay the city and the State for having invested his hard +earnings in a permanent enterprise which gives employment to the +laborer, which beautifies the neighborhood, and which enhances the +value of the adjacent property. The object of taxation (as Mr. Harland +asserts and as I believe) is to enrich the office-holding class, a +class of loose morality, utterly heartless and utterly conscienceless, +and I agree with Mr. Harland in the opinion that the time is not far +distant when the honest people of this country will arise as one man +and subvert the corrupt hand of politics which is now grinding us under +the iron heel of oppression. + +It is seldom that I give expression to my views upon this subject, for +the reason that I fear they may be misinterpreted. I have always had +an apprehension that I would be mistaken for an anarchist, which I am +not; I am an advocate of peace and of the laws; I do not believe in +violence of any kind. + +And now that I am speaking of violence, I am reminded of an incident +which illustrates the thoughtless cruelty of too many of our youth. It +was scarcely two weeks ago that I detected a boy (apparently about +twelve years of age) climbing one of the willow trees in our old +Schmittheimer place. I crept up on him unawares and speedily became +satisfied that he was after the eggs in a bird's nest that nestled +cozily in a crotch of the limbs. I shouted lustily at the young +scapegrace, and his confusion convinced me that my suspicions were +correct. I kept him in his uncomfortable position in the tree until I +had lectured him severely for the cruelty he contemplated and until I +had exacted from him a promise that he would forever thereafter abstain +from the practice of robbing birds' nests. The tears which trickled +down his face assured me no less than his solemn protests did that the +lad was indeed penitent, but the fellow had no sooner descended from +the tree and reached a point of safety the other side of the fence than +he gave utterance to sentiments which wholly disabused my mind of all +faith in his previous professions of reform. + +I have never been able to understand what pleasure can accrue from the +spoliation of the homes of birds, the beautiful musical creatures that +contribute so largely toward making the world cheerful. One of the +pleasantest recollections of my boyhood is that in all that active +period I never once killed or wounded a bird or robbed its nest. And I +think that the kindest act I ever did--at least the one which I recall +with the most satisfaction--was my release of a caged bird. A +careless, heedless neighbor had caught and caged a redbird, and the +mournful twittering of the poor creature as he fluttered incessantly +behind the bars of his prison pained and haunted me. The redbird can +never be reconciled to confinement; he is of the forest; the wildness +of his peculiar note indicates the restlessness of his nature. So for +nearly a year the melancholy twittering and the fluttering of that +caged bird haunted me. + +One morning--it was in the gracious May time--I awoke early. The sun +was just coming up and was kissing the tears from lovely Nature's face. +The air was full of coolness and of sweet smells. Then, hearing the +querulous note of the imprisoned bird upon the porch yonder, I +determined to set the poor thing free. So I dressed myself and stole +out into the graciousness of the early morning. To my last day I shall +not forget the delight, the rapture, with which that released bird +mounted from the doorway of his cage and sped away! + +One of the most treasured relics I have is a poem which my father wrote +when I was a little boy. My father was a native of Maine, but for all +that he was a man of sentiment and he had much literary taste, and +ability, too. The poem which he gave me, and which I have always +treasured, will (if I am not grievously in error) touch a responsive +chord in many a human heart, for all humanity looks back with +tenderness to the time of youth. + + + THE MORNING BIRD + + A bird sat in the maple tree + And this was the song he sang to me: + "O little boy, awake, arise! + The sun is high in the morning skies; + The brook's a-play in the pasture lot + And wondereth that the little boy + It loveth dearly cometh not + To share its turbulence and joy; + The grass hath kisses cool and sweet + For truant little brown bare feet-- + So come, O child, awake, arise! + The sun is high in the morning skies!" + + So from the yonder maple tree + The bird kept singing unto me; + But that was very long ago-- + I did not think--I did not know-- + Else would I not have longer slept + And dreamt the precious hours away; + Else would I from my bed have leapt + To greet another happy day-- + A day, untouched of care and ruth, + With sweet companionship of youth-- + The dear old friends which you and I + Knew in the happy years gone by! + + Still in the maple can be heard + The music of the morning bird, + And still the song is of the day + That runneth o'er with childish play; + Still of each pleasant old-time place + And of the old-time friends I knew-- + The pool where hid the furtive dace, + The lot the brook went scampering through; + The mill, the lane, the bellflower tree + That used to love to shelter me-- + And all those others I knew _then_, + But which I cannot know again! + + Alas! from yonder maple tree + The morning bird sings not to me; + Else would his ghostly voice prolong + An evening, not a morning, song + And he would tell of each dear spot + I knew so well and cherished then, + As all forgetting, not forgot + By him who would be young again! + O child, the voice from yonder tree + Calleth to _you_, and not to _me_; + So wake and know those friendships all + I would to God I could recall! + + + + +XIX + +OTHER PEOPLE'S DOGS + +When I discovered one morning that my young sunflowers and my tomato +vines had been cut down during the night by some lawless depredator I +was mightily incensed. I had not supposed that there was anybody so +mean as to commit such a wanton destruction. The value of the property +destroyed was not large; I had paid but five cents apiece for the +twenty tomato vines, and the young sunflowers were a present from Fadda +Pierce. The intrinsic value of these things was so small as to cut no +figure in my mind, but having watched the graceful creatures wax large +and comely from mere sprouts it was quite natural that I should have a +strong sentimental attachment for them. For the fruit of the tomato +vine I care nothing, but I had with much satisfaction pictured the +enjoyment which Alice and the children would derive from the luscious +tomatoes which I flattered myself were to ripen upon our own vines +under the genial August sun. + +Moreover, I had already made up a list of the names of city friends to +whom I intended to send handsome specimens of these first fruits of my +experiments in farming; the Reillys, the Lynches, the Chapins, the +Maxwells, the Scotts, the Fayes, the Deweys, the Morrises, the +Millards, the Larneds, the Fletchers, the Ways--these and other +fortunate cronies were to be made recipients of my bounty in case the +fruit held out. I will say nothing of the pleasing future I depicted +for the sunflowers; the sunflower is a particular favorite of mine, +presumably because it is one of the very few flowers I am capable of +identifying. + +My impulse, when beholding the tomato vines and sunflowers cut down in +the innocence of youth, was to determine not to pursue gardening +further. To this mood succeeded a fit of anger, and I was so outraged +by the destruction I beheld that I would cheerfully have given any sum +of money I could have borrowed of my neighbors for information leading +to the apprehension of the perpetrator of this brutal wrong. + +As it was, I wrote out an offer of five dollars reward upon a sheet of +letter paper and nailed it with four large wire nails to a maple tree +in front of the place, where all passers-by could see and read it. +Later in the day I went to tell Fadda Pierce of the trouble which had +befallen me, and he consoled me with the assurance that the work of +destruction had been wrought--not by a human being, as I had surmised, +but by cutworms, a kind of reptile that plies its nefarious trade +between two days for no other apparent purpose than that of making +gentlemen farmers like myself miserable. + +Fadda Pierce told me that Paris green was an effective antidote against +these destructive worms, and I have ordered a barrel of it from the +city. I intend to spread a layer of this Paris green over all our +flower and vegetable beds; the contrast thus presented to the dull, +sere brown of our lawn will be very pleasing to the eye. In fact, I am +not sure that it would not be cheaper to color our whole lawn with +Paris green than to attempt to revise it with water, which can be used +with legal liberality only between the first of November and the first +of May. + +By way of illustrating what a mockery our national Department of +Agriculture is, I will say that I wrote to Secretary Morton about the +cutworms and asked that he suggest an antidote against the same. +Although five weeks have elapsed since I dispatched that letter I have +had no word of any kind from the Department of Agriculture. I feel the +slight all the more keenly because I am a personal acquaintance of +Secretary Morton's, having been introduced to and shaken hands with him +at the quadrennial convention of the Western Academy of Science at +Omaha in 1884. Prompt attention to my letter was due on the score of +old friendship. The Secretary of Agriculture will recognize his error +in offending me if ever he becomes a candidate for the presidency. +Reuben Baker never forgets an affront. + +But, though my sunflowers and my tomato vines suffered as I have +narrated, my potatoes were doing finely. The potato patch is located +in the back yard, near the poplar trees; it is in the shape of the Big +Dipper, and I took the precaution to plant the potatoes in the new of +the moon. The first planting never amounted to anything, for the +reason that I peeled them and cut out the eyes before putting them in +their hills. I learned subsequently that this was as fatal a course as +it were possible to pursue. You must never peel potatoes or cut out +their eyes if you want them to grow. I do not know why this is so, but +it is. At any rate, the second crop I planted was a success. Every +day I dug down into the hills to see how the potatoes were progressing, +and I was thus enabled to keep track of the development of the tender +fruit. + +My young friend Budd Taylor provided me with a dozen ears of seed +popcorn which I planted in a warm, bright spot and which soon bristled +up in splendid style. I think it likely that, but for the birds, I +should have had a crop of popcorn sufficient to supply the Chicago +market, for I never before saw anything like that corn for luxuriance +and thrift. How the birds ever found out about it will doubtless +remain a mystery. + +The birds I refer to proved to be blackbirds, although for a time I +mistook them for young crows. One morning I detected about three dozen +of the poaching rogues stalking through the grass in the direction of +my corn-patch, and, almost before I knew it, the feathered rascals had +played havoc with my promising crop of popcorn. Then I remembered that +I had read and seen pictures in books of scarecrows; so I dressed up a +figure and set it up near the corn patch. It was really a very good +counterfeit of a man, as indeed it ought to have been, for the clothing +I used was far from ragged, and Alice had been intending to send it to +a poor relative of hers in Nebraska. + +The night after I had set up this lay figure in the yard a policeman +came along Clarendon Avenue for the first time in his professional +career. He espied the figure in the yard and at once mistook it for a +thief who had come to steal our lawn hose. With a gallantry and with a +devotion to duty which cannot be too highly commended, the intrepid +policeman opened fire with his revolver and put seven holes through the +scarecrow before he discovered his mistake. + +The cannonading awakened Major Ryson, one of the nearest neighbors, and +that discreet gentleman immediately set his bull terrier loose. This +sagacious but vindictive animal bore down upon the scene of action and +treed the policeman the first thing. Having expended all his +ammunition upon the lay figure, the policeman had no means of +interchanging compliments with his assailant, and was therefore +compelled to spend the night in a willow. Meanwhile the bull terrier +encountered the scarecrow, and, mistaking it for a human being, soon +tore that unfortunate object into ten thousand pieces. Next day our +lawn was literally strewn with straw and buttons and remnants of what +had once been a very decent suit of clothes. + +This reference to Major Ryson's bull terrier reminds me of the visit +which the Baylors' dog paid to our new premises. The Baylors' dog is a +St. Bernard about a year old and weighing one hundred and seventy-five +pounds. Most of the time this amiable leviathan is confined in the +Baylors' back yard, a spot hardly large enough to admit of the +leviathan's turning around in it. The evening to which I refer the +Baylors made a pilgrimage to our new house for the purpose of +ascertaining whether we had put in a copper kitchen sink or a +galvanized iron one. I can't imagine what possessed them to do it, but +they took the St. Bernard with them. The sense of freedom which this +playful beast felt upon being let loose in our extensive yard proved +wholly uncontrollable, and while the Baylors were investigating the +sink question the amiable leviathan gallivanted about the premises with +that elephantine exuberance which is to be expected of a St. Bernard +one year old and weighing one hundred and seventy-five pounds. Adah +(who has an eye to the beautiful) had planted a vast number of +nasturtiums and red geraniums, and under one of the oak trees had +trained numerous graceful, dainty vines, which, as I recall, are known +to horticultural amateurs as 'cobies. + +In the twinkling of an eye the Baylor leviathan swept these blossoming +innocents out of existence, and in other twinklings he wrought +desolation among the peonies, the pansies, and other floral objects +upon which the women folk had lavished a wealth of patient care. A +bull in a china-shop could hardly create the havoc which the Baylor +pup, with his one hundred and seventy-five pounds of animal spirits, +wrought in our lawn. Next morning the lawn looked as if it had been +honored with a nocturnal visitation from Burr Robbins' galaxy of +domesticated wild beasts. + +Curiously enough, the Baylors thought it was very funny. I don't know +why it is, but it can't be denied that it _is_ a fact that those acts +which in other people's pups strike us as strangely improper, become in +our own pups the most natural and most mirth-provoking performances in +the world. I recall the anger with which neighbor Baylor drove +neighbor Macleod's mastiff off his porch one evening because that +mastiff attempted to make his way through the screen door behind which +the family cat was visible. In this instance the Macleod mastiff was +simply following the predominating instinct of the canine kind, and +neighbor Baylor hated the unreasonable beast for it. Yet I 'll warrant +me that while his own lubberly pup was prancing around over our +flowerbeds neighbor Baylor regarded the performance as the most cunning +and most charming divertisement in the world. + +It is much the same way with children. If I were put upon oath, I +should have to admit that the very same antics which I regard as most +seemly (not to say fascinating) in my own pretty little darlings I do +not approve of at all when I see them attempted by the awkward, homely +children of my neighbors. + + + + +XX + +I ACQUIRE POISON AND EXPERIENCE + +There is no telling to what unparalleled extent I should have carried +my agricultural work but for a happening which interrupted my career in +that direction and temporarily invalidated me for the performance of +all manual labor. To make short of a long and painful story, I will +tell you at once that in the very midst of my agricultural triumphs I +was rudely awakened to a realization of the fact that I had been badly +poisoned by ivy. The luxuriant growth in one part of our lawn which in +my innocence I had mistaken for infant oak trees and had nurtured with +great assiduity proved to be the poison vine which is shunned alike of +knowing man and beast. + +The truth about this insiduous [Transcriber's note: insidious?] plant +was not revealed to me until after the harm was done. I awoke one +night to find my hands and wrists afflicted with so pestiferous an +itching that it verily seemed to me as if the points of ten thousand +thousand hot needles were being thrust into my cuticle. There are no +words capable of expressing how torturesome this affliction is; to my +physical suffering there was added a distinct mental disquietude +arising from a sense of injustice that nature, supposed to be so +benignant to her friends, should have punished me so grievously for +having sought to cultivate and foster her arts. + +I was shocked, too, to discover that my misfortune awakened no feeling +of sympathy in others; nay, my neighbors seemed to regard it rather as +a joke that I, a scientist of no mean ability (if I _do_ say it +myself), should have fallen victim to the commonest and most vicious of +all destroyers of human happiness. The amount of badinage, sarcasm, +and irony indulged in by these unfeeling folk at the expense of +"Farmer" Baker (as they now jocosely dubbed me) would fill a royal +octavo volume. I assure you that I regarded this species of humor as +impertinent to the degree of atrocity. + +My family physician, Dr. Hodges, prescribed several vials of pellets +which bore a striking resemblance to one another, but whose virtues I +was solemnly assured depended wholly upon my strict observance of the +_ordo_ of their administration internally, which _ordo_ may have been +simple and clear enough to Dr. Hodges, but was to me as intricate and +complicated as a Bradshaw railway guide. Furthermore, having +ascertained by artful inquiry what viands and beverages I particularly +liked, Dr. Hodges strictly forbade my indulgence in them, and such +articles of food and drink as I was particularly averse to be +recommended for my diet. Meanwhile I was meeting constantly with +people who had been afflicted with ivy poisoning, and these kind, +cheery souls encouraged me with recitals of their experiences. I was +told that it took seven years for ivy poison to get out of the system; +that every year during the ivy season (whatever that may mean) there +would be a recurrence of this pestiferous eruption, sometimes in one +part of the body, sometimes in another, and not unfrequently upon the +whole surface. There were, of course, numerous nostrums warranted to +allay the fiery tingling and maddening stinging of the malady, and, as +I cheerfully adopted every suggestion that came to my ears, I was +presently stocked up with enough salves and solutions to fill an +apothecary-shop, and my associates began to complain that I was as +redolent of odors as a chemical laboratory. Naturally enough, +therefore, I became morbid and despondent, and began to regard myself +as a mercilessly afflicted and shunned thing. + +But amid all this trouble there came to me one big, bright ray of +satisfaction. I remembered that, when Alice took out a life policy +with neighbor Treese Smith, I also took out an accident policy with the +same gentleman in the Wabash Mutual Internecine Association of Indiana. +There was, as you can well understand, a heap of consolation in the +thought that no matter how little or how much or how long I suffered, +the Wabash concern would have to pay for it. As I recollected, the +insurance was fifty dollars a week during incapacity for work. If, +therefore, the ivy poison remained in my system seven years, the amount +of insurance due me would be--let me see: + +Seven years--three hundred and sixty-four weeks. + +Three hundred and sixty-four weeks at fifty dollars per week--eighteen +thousand two hundred dollars. + +This was, indeed, a considerable sum of money! I began to understand +that, viewed from a purely business standpoint, my affliction might +become financially profitable. It even occurred to me that in case the +Wabash company paid promptly, and I got used to the tearing ebullitions +of the ivy poison, I might contrive to get a renewal of the malady at +the end of the first seven years. I wondered that, with this +opportunity of getting rich cum otio et cum dignitate, there were so +many poor people in the world; however, I mentally resolved not to +discover my shrewd plan to anybody else. + +When I called upon neighbor Treese Smith I was prudent enough to let +him know that I probably had the worst case of ivy poisoning ever heard +of, and with more than common pride I exhibited to him my hands and +wrists in confirmation of my claims. Mr. Smith (whom you already know +as a man of tender feelings and broad sympathies) expressed himself as +being very sorry for me, and he asked me if I had tried certain +remedies, which he named. + +As it was another kind of remedy I was after, I adroitly led the +conversation up to the proper point, and then I intimated that it would +not harrow up my feelings if I were tendered a payment on account of my +accident policy in the Wabash Mutual Internecine Association of +Indiana. I liked Smith, and I felt that I ought to be candid with him. +I told him that it was pretty generally agreed by the medical +profession that when a person once got a dose of poison ivy it remained +in his system for seven years, during which period it worked its +baleful offices off and on with varying malignance. I recognized the +fact that I had a valid claim on the Wabash company for fifty dollars a +week for seven years; that the total amount of money due or paid me by +said company at the end of the natural life of the ivy poison would be +a trifle over eighteen thousand dollars. I told Mr. Smith that I was +not disposed to take advantage of or to be too hard on the Wabash +company, and that, being naturally of a conservative disposition, I was +willing to compromise this matter for--say--well--ten thousand dollars, +and cancel the policy. + +Mr. Smith answered me in the tone and with the manner of one who is +seeking to break bad news gradually and gently to another. + +"It is painfully clear to me," said the kind, sympathetic man, "that +you have not read the conditions upon which your accident policy is +issued to you. I fear that when you come to examine it more carefully +you will learn that in this case you have no claims upon our +company--or, perhaps, I should say _the_ company, since I am merely its +agent and have nothing to do with the framing of its contracts." + +"I have the instrument with me," said I, producing the policy. "I have +read it carefully and understand it fully. It is a simple, short, +straightforward document, and the type is so big and clear that even a +child could read it." + +"Alas," said Mr. Smith, with a sigh, "I fear you have not read the +conditions; you will find them on the other side of the sheet, printed +in small type." + +I turned the page, and surely enough there were a number of paragraphs +under the title of "The Conditions"; they were printed in small type +and pale-blue ink. + +"But what have 'conditions' to do with this case?" I asked. "I got +insured in the Wabash Mutual Internecine company against accident, and +here I 've had an accident! Ivy poison is as severe an accident as can +happen to any animal, except, perhaps, an alligator or a rhinoceros, +and I think I 'm entitled to my money." + +"You are quite right from your standpoint," said Mr. Smith, "but it is +not the correct standpoint. You are insured (as you will see by +referring to your policy) as an A No. 1 risk. Turn to the conditions, +and you will observe that our A No. 1 risks are insured against +accident by lightning only. If, now, you had been struck by lightning +instead of by ivy, and if the subtle electric fluid had impaired your +physical economy, or imparted to your veins any noxious rheum or any +venom wherefrom either temporary or permanent harm or disquietude +accrued to you, then you would have a legal and just claim against +our--I mean _the_ company." + +"But I supposed I was insured against every kind of accident," said I. +"When it comes to getting pay for an accident, a dislocation of a toe +is quite as desirable, in my opinion, as a broken neck." + +"Ah, but insurance companies must differentiate," said Mr. Smith. +"There are so many kinds of accidents that it is absolutely necessary +to have grades and classes and differences and distinctions. You are +insured against lightning: you belong to A No. 1. If you were insured +against a broken leg you would be in X No. 2, or against a sprained +wrist in H No. 3. My recollection is that our policies of insurance +against poison ivy are written in Q No. 4, but I am not positive. If, +however, you care to profit by this annoying experience and desire to +insure against ivy poison, I will look the matter up the first thing +to-morrow and write you out a policy at once. In your case the policy +should be made out for a period of fourteen years, since your present +dose of poison will not lose its efficacy for seven years, and that +will render insurance taken _after the fact_ inoperative." + +There was a heavy thunder shower the next day, and I stood out in it +all the time in the hope of getting a chance to claim remuneration from +the Wabash Mutual Internecine Association. But the lightning dodged me +as if I had been a sacred and charmed object. I made up my mind that +it was folly to try to get even with the insurance concern, and since a +farming career was now closed against me, I determined to devote my +spare time to watching the progress of affairs inside our new house and +to coöperate with Alice and Adah and our feminine neighbors in their +herculean task of "having things as they should be." + + + + +XXI + +WITH PLUMBERS AND PAINTERS + +It did not take me long to find out that, in the treatment of the +interior of the new house, Alice had fallen a victim to the influence +of the Denslow-Baylor-Maria schools. I was not much surprised by this +discovery, for I had known for some time that Alice regarded the +Denslows and the Baylors as people of rare taste, and it was quite +natural (as every unprejudiced person will allow) that, associating +with Adah continually and being bound to her by ties of consanguinity, +Alice should be susceptible to Adah's hortations, incitements, +impulsations, and instigations. + +At any rate, I found that our new house was to be a conspicuous +intermingling and interblending of the Denslow, Baylor, and Maria +styles of architecture. The big front room downstairs, the library, +was distinctly Denslowish, and so was the big front room up-stairs, as +well as the butler's pantry and the reception-room. The Baylor +influence manifested itself in the spare bedroom and the dining-room, +and the Maria influence (thanks to Adah) was clearly exhibited in the +front and side porches, in my bedroom, and in the several hallways. +Alice insisted that the house was to be strictly old colonial and also +requested me to speak of it as such in the presence of visitors, +particularly in the hearing of her relatives from the country when they +came into the city next September to do their winter buying. + +In my fancy I can already picture the dear girl putting on airs with +those guileless rural folk who know no more about the architectural and +the decorative arts than an unclouted Patagonian knows of the four +houses of the Jesuitical order. Nor do I know much about those things, +and I am glad that I do not, for if I had devoted my early years of +study to plinths, architraves, columns, dados, friezes, pediments, +sconces, wainscots, cornices, capitals, entablatures, and such like, +how could I have originated my theory of star-drift and how would +humanity have been enlightened upon the all-important subjects of the +asteroids, the satellites of the star Gamma in Scorpio, the atmosphere +on the other side of the moon, the depth of the Martian bottle-neck +seas, the probability of the existence of natural gas wells in Jupiter, +etc., etc.? If I had been a Linnaeus or a Buffon instead of Reuben +Baker, I should have never suffered myself to fall an innocent victim +to poison ivy--yes, that is true, but at the same time my now famous +theory of double stars and my equally famous theory as to the several +elements in comets' tails would have been denied to the world. No one +man can combine within himself all human genius; in all modesty I +declare myself satisfied with being simply Reuben Baker. + +While I devoted my attention to out-of-door affairs--by which I mean +care of the lawn, of the flower-beds, and of the vegetable patches--I +had a comparatively tranquil existence. Having transferred the base of +my operations (or perhaps I should say my observations) indoors, I +found numerous disagreements and misunderstandings to distract me. I +was not long in finding out that there were two factions (so to speak) +in charge of the department of the interior. Parties of the first part +were Alice and all our feminine neighbors; party of the second part was +Uncle Si. + +You see, there had never been anything more explicit than a verbal +understanding between Uncle Si and Alice; the two had talked the matter +all over at the start, and they agreed upon every theory so nicely that +I do not wonder they decided that a written contract was not necessary. +Uncle Si did some figuring which resulted in his saying that he would +reconstruct the old house and build an addition for the even sum of two +thousand dollars. Very few specifications were made, but there was a +pretty clear verbal understanding reached, and the consequence was as +distinct a misunderstanding as the work progressed. Most of the +trouble was over the detail of hardwood. Alice was sure that Uncle Si +had agreed to put in hardwood floors and trimmings throughout; Uncle Si +expostulated that he had never thought of so preposterous a project, +since it would have bankrupted him as sure as his name was Silas Plum. + +The result was that Alice never went near the new house that she did +not groan and moan and declare that Georgia pine was simply the +horridest wood in all the world, while, upon the other hand, Uncle Si +speedily came to regard Alice as an arch enemy who was seeking to trick +and impoverish him. The neighbors sided with Alice, of course. They +freely expressed the conviction that Uncle Si and all other contractors +would bear constant watching. It is perhaps needless for me to add +that Uncle Si regarded all neighbors as impertinent and mischievous +intermeddlers. + +I will confess that of all the workmen about the place the plumbers +interested me most. They came late and quit early, and much of the +intervening time was spent in asking one another questions and in +ordering one another about. No tool was at hand when it was required. +If the pliers were needed the whole gang of plumbers stopped work to +hunt for the missing instrument, which was sometimes found in one +remote spot and sometimes in another--never where it should have been. +I have a theory that for reasons best known to themselves plumbers make +a practice of mislaying and losing their tools. + +I supposed that having once begun their work these plumbers would push +it to completion. I never undertake anything that I do not keep at it +until it is done and finished, and I think that this rule obtains among +most of the professions and trades. Plumbers seem, however, to be a +privileged class. They come to your premises and spend an hour or two +examining what is to be done; then they go away. When they get ready +to come back they return--this time with a miniature furnace and +whatever tools they do not require. Then they go away to bring the +tools they need, leaving the tools they do not require for a pretext +for another trip. Then they take turns at suggesting how the proposed +work should be done, and one after another they get down upon their +knees and peer into closets and holes and under floors and into dark +places, after which some of them go back to the "shop," for more +things, while the others either sit around doing nothing or busy +themselves at losing and mislaying the tools they have already at hand. + +Uncle Si, who is an authority on the subject, says that there never was +a plumber who died of overwork or in the poorhouse. He tells me that +he once knew of a plumber named Bilkins who fell dead of heart disease +one day when he discovered that he had worked four minutes overtime. + +The boss painter was another individual who excited my astonishment. I +never knew another man so fertile in the art of prevarication. Mr. +Krome would rather lie than eat--at any rate, he would rather lie than +paint. He never neglected to come over twice a day and take a long and +careful survey of the house. + +"I reckon you 're about ready for us, eh?" he 'd ask. + +"We 're waiting on you," Uncle Si would say. + +"Then I 'll have to put my gang at work in the mornin'," he would +answer. This performance was repeated again and again, but the "gang" +we looked for did not come. I remonstrated against this seeming +neglect, but Mr. Krome blandly assured me that when his men did once +get to work they would push the job with incredible speed. I knew he +was a liar, yet I always believed the fellow. + +We gave him the glazing to do. We even accommodated him to the extent +of sending the window frames to his shop instead of making him haul +them himself. We did this out of no special regard for Mr. Krome, for, +aside from pure selfish considerations, Mr. Krome is no more to us than +we are to Hecuba; but we desired to facilitate him in the work he had +engaged to do for us. + +After the window frames had been at the fellow's shop a fortnight, I +began to suggest that their return would gratify me to the degree of +rapture. Mr. Krome put us off with one excuse and another (all equally +plausible) and presently a month had rolled by. Like the man in the +fable who tried brickbats when kind words were no longer of avail, I +threatened to turn the work of glazing over to another glazier who was +not so busy with his lying as to prevent him from attending to the +duties of his legitimate trade. This served as a mild remedy, for the +window frames presently began to arrive one at a time, and I actually +felt like calling upon our pastor for a special service of praise and +thanksgiving when finally those windows were all in place. + +The one thing that Alice, the neighbors, Uncle Si, and I were amicably +agreed upon was the opinion that Mr. Krome, for a boss painter, was not +worth the powder to blow him off the face of the earth. I felt tempted +to tell him so, but he was at all times so amiable and so chatty that I +really could not find the heart to mention a matter likely to interrupt +the flow of his good nature. The chances are that Mr. Krome +entertained much the same opinion of Uncle Si that Uncle Si had of Mr. +Krome. My somewhat intimate association with workingmen for the last +three months enables me to say that, so far as I have been able to +observe, workingmen often have a precious poor opinion of one another. +The plumbers talk of the carpenters as lazy and shiftless, the painters +speak ill of the plumbers, the carpenters regard the tinners with +derision, and so it goes through the whole category. + +Now that I come to think of it, I am compelled to admit that this +practice of setting a low estimate upon the endeavors and +responsibilities of others is not restricted to the workingman's class. +I blush to recall how often I myself have envied the apparent ease with +which Belville Rock and Bobbett Doller stem the tide of human affairs +while I labor on and on, barely eking out a subsistence. So far as I +can see, they toil not, neither do they spin. + +The chances are, on the other hand, that both Belville Rock and Colonel +Doller regard me as the luckiest of lazy dogs, who has but to lie on +his back and look at sun, moon, and stars to earn both fame and +fortune. The farmer's candid conviction is that the city man is a +fellow who does nothing and gets rich at it; the urban resident is +quite as positive that the farmer habitually loafs around and lets God +do the rest. The truth of this whole matter is that all humanity is +prone to discontentment of that kind which not only denies happiness to +oneself but also begrudges others the happiness they achieve. + +But of this frailty I shall speak no further; indeed, I do not +understand how I happened to be led into this line of discourse, for it +is quite at a tangent with the subject I had in mind--namely, the +butler's pantry. + + + + +XXII + +THE BUTLER'S PANTRY + +In the good old days, which were, of course, the days when you and I +were boys and girls together at Biddeford, Me., our civilization knew +nothing of that miserable invention which is now foisted upon the +modern house under the name of butler's pantry. In those good old days +we used to have pantries and china closets and butteries and all that +sort of thing, and people were contented. + +At the present time, however, civilization is so curiously possessed of +a desire to ape the customs of European society that every kind of +innovation is seized upon with enthusiasm and without any apparent +regard for the derision and contempt to which it renders us liable. In +my opinion (which is sustained by such an eminent authority as Lawyer +Miles) the butler's pantry without the butler is as absurd a +contrivance as a carriage without a horse or a purse without gold or +silver to put therein. Yet there is not, I presume to say, a tenement +house in all this city that has not its butler's pantry; without this +adjunct no home is considered complete, and it makes no difference +whether "the lady of the house" does her own work or is able to employ +female servants, the butler's pantry is a sine qua non. + +I told Alice that I regarded a butler's pantry much in the light of a +last year's bird's nest, and I added that since we were going to have a +butler's pantry minus the butler I supposed the next move would be in +the direction of a wine cellar minus the wine. But my humor is wholly +lost upon Alice; since she began training with other householders that +superior woman has exhibited a strange indifference to my suggestions +and counsel. + +I mentioned Lawyer Miles a moment ago. This gives me the opportunity +of saying that my sympathies have gone out with enthusiasm toward that +gifted man ever since I heard him remark, not very long ago, that he +liked to have things cluttered up in his house. I am not able to +define the compound "cluttered-up," but it conveys to my mind a meaning +that is perfectly clear, and it suggests conditions which are pleasing +to me. I, too, like to have things cluttered up. The most dreadful +day in the week is, to my thinking, Friday--not because we invariably +have fried fish upon that day, but because it is upon Friday that a +vandal hired girl appears in my study and, under the direction of my +wife, proceeds to "put things in shape." Alice insists that I am not +orderly or methodical, yet amid all the so-called disorder of my study +I can at any moment lay my hands upon any chart or map or book or paper +I require, provided everything is left just where I drop it. + +My doctrine about such things is that books and charts and papers were +made for use and are therefore of the greatest utility when most +available. When I am at work I like my tools around me; if they are +not handy, my work is interrupted, and an interruption often breaks the +train of thought and renders impotent or at least mediocre an endeavor +which elsewise would be excellent. In their ambition to "put things in +shape," and to give me an object lesson in order and method, Alice and +her vandal hired girl hide my tools of trade, disposing of my books, +papers, and pens, and even of my slippers, in such ingenious wise as to +keep me busy for hours finding these necessities and replacing them +where they will be available. + +I thought that Alice and her mercenary were the only women in the world +addicted to this weekly practice, but from what Lawyer Miles and other +married men tell me I gather that there are other wives in the world +quite as possessed of the seven devils of order and method as Alice is. + +To return to that other matter: Alice has hinted to me that she intends +to store a great deal of my own porcelain and pottery away in the +butler's pantry. I had hoped that when we got into the new house we +should have plenty of space for displaying the platters, plates, bowls, +teapots, etc., etc., to which age has added a special charm, and the +collection of which has involved the expenditure of much time and money +upon my part. + +I am convinced, however, that Alice intends to hide all these beautiful +old specimens away; the butler's pantry is evidently for this purpose. +I have not questioned Alice about it, but (to use Uncle Si's favorite +expression) "it's dollars to doughnuts" that Alice is figuring on +displaying her sixty-dollar set of new porcelain in the new glass +cabinet in the dining-room, while my rare antiques--among them the blue +platter, which was sent me from New Orleans, and which belonged +originally to the pirate Lafitte--are relegated to the dim mysterious +shelves of the butler's pantry, where dust will obscure them and +spiders make them their favorite romping grounds. I intend to ask +Lawyer Miles what he would do under like circumstances. + +There is a sink in the butler's pantry, but it is wholly superfluous. +I am told that this adjunct is useful in washing such dishes and +glassware as are too precious to be sent to the kitchen. All this +sounds very fine, but the practice is to whew the tableware of all +kinds into the kitchen, whether there be a sink in the butler's pantry +or not. My grandmother (and my mother, too) never suffered a servant +to wash the fine porcelain or the cut glass; that responsible task was +always reserved for the housewife herself, and the result was that no +porcelain was chipped and no cut glass cracked. They sent me an old +willow teapot from Biddeford, and it had n't been with us three weeks +before our Celtic cook marred its symmetry by chipping off its +venerable nozzle. + +The only reason why so many charming bits of china have come down to us +from the last century is that our grandmothers and our mothers cared +for these things and protected them from rough usage. But, bless your +soul! do you suppose Alice could be induced to bare her arms and apply +herself to the task of washing a stack of antique porcelain or a row of +cut-glass tumblers? No, not for the entire wealth of Wedgewood or the +combined output of Dresden and of Sèvres! + +Mrs. Baylor tells me that I am doing the butler's pantry a grave +injustice; that the servants will use it, and that it will prove a +great convenience. I do not wish to appear unreasonable and I am +willing to concede that the servants will utilize the pantry and its +death-dealing sink. It is very probable that under their auspices the +slaughter of china and of glassware will be continued; it moots not to +the average hired-girl whether the sink be in the kitchen or the +butler's pantry, upon the housetop or in the bowels of the earth; the +work of destruction goes on at four dollars a week and every Thursday +out. + +It was during the pantry agitation that Mr. Patrick Devoe came into our +lives. He approached us one sweltering afternoon and introduced +himself with all the urbanity of a native of Glanmire, County Cork. He +praised our house and our premises and my wife and our children. We +wondered what he was driving at, but he didn't keep us in suspense very +long, for he was, as he assured us, a business man from the word "go." +He was, it appeared, the proprietor of a street-sprinkling cart, and +the object of his call upon us was to crave the boon of sprinkling +Clarendon Avenue in front of our place at the merely nominal price of +ten cents a day. + +Mr. Devoe could hardly have called at a time more favorable to his +interests. The day was, as I have already intimated, oppressively hot: +there was a stiff wind from the south and the dust rolled up the avenue +in clouds. Mr. Devoe represented to us that the other people in the +neighborhood had contracted for his services and our reputation belied +us if we were unwilling to secure at a paltry financial outlay what +would contribute to our comfort and health. This persuasive gentleman +assured us that, under the benign influence of his sprinkling cart, +Clarendon Avenue would presently become one of the most popular of +suburban driveways. Hither would equipages come from every quarter, +and the thoroughfare eventually would be famed as the coolest, +shadiest, and most fashionable in Chicago. + +Furthermore Mr. Devoe represented that the trees, shrubbery, and grass +of our premises would be directly benefited by his sprinkling cart; the +gracious flood of water, distributed twice a day by his itinerant cart, +would not only lay the dust of the highway, but also permeate and +circulate through the contiguous soil, bearing refreshment and health +to tree, plant, and flower alike. The vigor of vegetation meant much +to humanity; by this means an abundance of ozone would be supplied to +the circumambient atmosphere, insuring healthful sleep and general +reinvigoration to man, woman, and child. + +Mr. Devoe's presentation of the facts and possibilities was so +convincing that both Alice and I recognized the propriety of securing +his services. The sum of ten cents per diem seemed very trifling; it +was not until after Mr. Devoe had departed with our contract in his +pocket that we began to realize that, however insignificant ten cents +per diem might be, seventy cents per week was not to be sneezed at, +while twenty-one dollars for the season was simply a gross +extravagance. I was in favor of recalling and annulling our contract +with Mr. Devoe, but Alice insisted that we should keep strictly in line +with the other neighbors, doing nothing likely to stigmatize us either +as mean or as unfashionable. + +A day or two after this incident a ruffianly looking fellow called on +us to "make arrangements," as he said, about hauling away our garbage +when we got moved into our new house. I told the fellow that the city +sent a garbage wagon around every week to remove the garbage free of +cost. To this the fellow replied that the city did its work +carelessly, that the wagon was invariably overloaded, and that no +reliance could be placed upon the garbage boxes being emptied if that +responsible duty were intrusted to the city employés. + +The fellow seemed to know what he was talking about, and his +representations were so fair that finally I agreed to pay him +twenty-five cents a week for hauling the garbage away. That evening I +heard from Mr. Baylor that the scheme was a vulgar bit of blackmail; +that the fellow was driver for one of the city wagons and made a +practice of extorting fees from householders for doing work which he +was already paid to do. I felt grievously outraged and I threatened to +report this infamy to the municipal authorities. But Mr. Baylor and +other friends assured me that these infamous practices of blackmail +were encouraged at the City Hall, and that I would simply be laughed at +if I ventured to complain. + +It was about this time, too, that I paid a man four dollars to clean +out the catch basin in the rear of our premises. The man told me that +the catch basin was "reeking with the germs of disease." I did n't see +how that could well be, since the sewer had not been laid six weeks. +However, the man insisted, and he talked so portentously of bacteria +and bacilli and morbiferous microbes that finally in a terror of +apprehension I gave him four dollars and bade him do his saving work +and do it quickly. + +When the neighbors heard of this incident they unanimously pronounced +me a fool, accompanying that opprobrious stigmatization with an epithet +which my religious convictions prohibit me from recording. + + + + +XXIII + +ALICE'S NIGHT WATCHMAN + +From what I have already told you it is likely that you have gathered +that Alice and I had good reason to conclude that being a householder +was by no means as cheap an enjoyment as could be conceived of. We +recalled the words of the sagacious and prudent Mr. Denslow. "When you +get a place of your own," said that wise man, "you will find that there +will be a thousand annoying little demands for your money where now +there is one." Our other friend, Mr. Black, had expressed the same +idea when he told us that "a house-owner never gets through paying +out." If Alice and I had had any thought upon the matter at all it was +to the effect that when we had a home of our own we got rid forever of +the monstrous bugaboo of house-rent at sixty dollars a month. We +supposed that all our spare time could be devoted to counting the money +we were going to save by getting out of a grasping, avaricious +landlord's clutches. Experience is a severe teacher; Alice and I have +found out a great many things since we began to have direct dealings +with builders, masons, plumbers, painters et id omne genus, as well as +with sprinklers, day laborers, landscape gardeners, fruit-tree +peddlers, lightning-rod agents, and others of that ilk. + +We duly became aware that we were losing a good deal at the hands of +nocturnal depredators. Our flower beds were despoiled with amazing +regularity; the broken lath and old lumber which had been piled up in +the back yard, and which Alice intended to use eventually for kindling, +disappeared mysteriously, and the carpenters reported finding evidences +every morning that some person or persons had been tramping through the +house the night before. + +We were all at once possessed of the paralyzing fear that this +nocturnal trespasser, or these nocturnal trespassers, might set our +house on fire. The floors were strewn with shavings; a spark would +precipitate a conflagration, and the old Schmittheimer place would burn +like so much tinder. I read over the fire-insurance policies which we +had taken out with our genial friends, Doller, Jeems, and Teddy, and I +found out that the companies represented by those gentlemen were not +responsible for losses upon unoccupied premises, or for losses +resulting from incendiarism. It occurred to me that it would be wise +to invite the police to keep an eye on the place at night, but this +plan seemed impracticable for the reason that I wanted to keep the +lawn-sprinklers running all night in defiance of the ordinance, and +this could not be done if the police were to be mousing about the +premises. + +While I was still worrying over this distressing problem one of the +carpenters came to me with a harrowing tale about a tramp whom he had +caught sleeping in the barn. This tramp had gained access to the barn +by means of a window. He quietly removed the sash, after breaking the +panes of glass, and crawled in. The carpenter caught the impudent +rogue early next morning in flagrante delicto--that is to say, found +him snoozing upon a mattress which Alice had stored away in the barn +for safe-keeping. An argument ensued, but the tramp finally beat a +retreat. + +Upon the evening of that same day the carpenter remained after working +hours to see whether the tramp would come back for another night's +lodging in the nice, warm barn on that nice, clean mattress. Surely +enough, as evening shadows fell the tramp made his reappearance and +sought to effect an entrance to the barn. Thereupon the belligerent +carpenter emerged from his hiding and bade the trespasser be gone. The +tramp complied with this demand, but not until he had signified his +intention of returning later at night for the purpose of squaring +accounts with the carpenter. + +This dark threat filled the carpenter with gloomy forebodings and he +hastened to Alice and me for advice. Of course we assured him that we +would support him in any line of action he would take, and we promised +to pay him one dollar if he would stay and guard the premises that +night. The carpenter was not insensible to the soothing influences of +lucre, and he consented to watch and defend our property, provided we +furnished him with a weapon of one kind or another, for he had a +conviction that the tramp fully intended to come back that very night +to cut his heart out. + +My acquaintance with weapons is limited to that circle which includes +my collection of antique armor and several old flintlocks picked up at +different times in New England and in the South. I confessed to the +carpenter that I had in the house nothing suited to his bellicose +purposes, unless he was willing to put up with a mediaeval battle axe +or a Queen Anne musket. The carpenter seemed disinclined to place any +reliance upon these means of defence, and he suggested that perhaps I +might borrow a pistol of some one of the neighbors. I had not thought +of that before; the idea impressed me favorably, and I proceeded to act +upon it. It was no easy task, however, finding what I wanted. At the +Denslows an axe was the only weapon to be had, and at the Baylors', the +Crowes', the Sissons', and the Ewings' I found that the spears had been +beaten into plowshares and the swords into pruning-hooks. I felt that +it would be folly to apply at the Tiltmans', for Jack Tiltman is the +mildest man in seven States, and he is descended from a line of Quakers +religiously opposed to war and strife. However, meeting with Tiltman, +I ventured to confide to him the dilemma I was in, and I was surprised +when he told me that he could provide me with any kind or size of +revolver I wanted. Presently he brought out of his house a machine +which, had he not assured me to the contrary, I should at first sight +have mistaken for a one-inch aperture telescope. + +"Is it loaded?" I asked. + +"Yes, seven times," said he. + +"And will it go off seven times all at once?" said I. + +"Once will be enough," said he; and then he added that the bore was so +large that if the bullet once struck a man it would let daylight clean +through him, even in the night time. + +You can well understand that, by the time the carpenter was equipped +for defensive operations, the whole neighborhood was worked up to a +condition of great excitement. The children were enthusiastic over the +prospect of bloodshed, and from the chatter that was indulged in by +these innocents you might have supposed that a murderous tramp lurked +at every corner. Alice and I walked over to the Schmittheimer place +with the carpenter, and we were accompanied by several of our neighbors +and their offspring. The evening was now advanced to the degree of +darkness, and our heated fancies transformed every shadow into a living +creature. Little Annie Ewing was on the verge of hysterics and +declared she saw things behind every tree and stump, and Mr. Denslow +contributed to the general excitement by recalling that he had read +that very day of several mysterious murders down in a remote corner of +Arizona by unknown tramps. + +I admit that I, too, was much perturbed. I contemplated with +indignation the lawless impudence of the fellow who had broken into our +barn, and who had subsequently threatened violence to the carpenter for +expostulating against this act of trespass. At the same time I could +not stifle a feeling of pity for the homeless being who doubtless found +the bed upon our barn floor as grateful as the downy couch of a Persian +potentate. Nor could I stifle the conviction that it was a piece of +miserable greediness on my part to deny this friendless and penniless +wanderer the humble shelter he craved. + +In fact I presently became so ashamed of the part I was taking in these +proceedings that but for my regard for Alice's feelings I would have +packed the carpenter off home and left the barn open to the tramp and +all his kind. As it was my conscience gave me no rest until I had +induced neighbor Tiltman to extract the cartridges from the pistol, +which service he did so cleverly that the carpenter knew nothing about +it, and continued to bluster and bloviate like a dragoon on dress +parade. + +The tramp did not return that night, and I was glad he did not, for it +would have spoiled our new premises for me had any act of violence been +committed thereupon. The experience, however, alarmed Alice to such an +extent that she determined to employ a private watchman to guard the +premises by night until we occupied them. She told me at supper the +next evening that for this purpose she had secured the services of a +poor but honest man who had called that day seeking employment. + +"You don't mean to tell me, my dear," said I, "that you have intrusted +this responsible duty to a person who is in the habit of travelling +from house to house, asking alms!" + +"I guess I know an honest man when I see him," said Alice, "and I know +this man is honest, if there is such a thing as an honest man." + +Alice went on to say that her protégé was an old soldier; that he had +wept when he told of his unrequited services for his country, and of +the ingratitude which he had experienced when his application for a +pension was denied by the unfeeling authorities at Washington. Alice +said she had never met with a more civil-spoken person, and he must +indeed have impressed her most favorably, for she advanced him fifty +cents on account. + +We slept securely that night, for Alice's assurances made me confident +that under the new watchman's sleepless vigilance all would be safe on +the Schmittheimer premises. But about seven o'clock next morning there +was a rude outcry, and there came a terrible banging at our front door. +Looking out into the street we saw the carpenter with a very sorry +specimen of manhood in custody. The carpenter was flourishing neighbor +Tiltman's unloaded pistol and threatening to blow his prisoner's brains +out. + +"I caught him asleep in the barn!" cried the carpenter, excitedly. + +"Stop! Stop!" shrieked Alice. "Don't shoot him! Don't harm a hair of +his head! He is the night watchman I hired to guard the place!" + +"He 's the tramp!" insisted the carpenter. "He 's the very tramp who +broke into the barn and slept there once before. I 've caught him now +and I won't let him go!" + +The prisoner protested that the carpenter was mistaken, that he was, +indeed, the night watchman, and that he was entitled to "the kind +lady's protection." + +The fellow's voice sounded familiar and I recognized his form and face. +Yes, there could be no mistake; I had seen and dealt with this person +before. + +"My friends," said I, addressing Alice and her carpenter and the crowd +of neighbors that had assembled, "you are right, and yet you are wrong. +I know this man, and I identify him as the base ingrate who stole my +new wheelbarrow and my garden utensils. Your name, sir," I continued, +sternly, transfixing the quaking wretch with a glance of commingled +anger and scorn, "your name is Percival Wax!" + + + + +XXIV + +DRIVEWAYS AND WALL-PAPERS + +Had we been so disposed we could have given the wretched Percival Wax a +great deal of trouble. Lawyer Miles was anxious to prosecute the +fellow, and I dare say he felt that he had missed the greatest +opportunity of his life when Alice and I concluded to let the matter +drop. We were moved to this decision by the consideration that, while +we owed Percival Wax only our resentment and vengeance, a prosecution +of him for his numerous misdemeanors would put us to no end of trouble. +The exposure and punishment of vice would doubtless prove much more +popular among the virtuous, did not these proceedings involve so great +an expenditure both of time and of labor. Alice and I were not long in +making up our minds that we had plenty of other unavoidable troubles to +engage our attention; so we let the tramp go, but not, however, until I +had lectured him seriously upon the propriety of his abandoning his +evil ways and until Alice had given him a clean shirt and an old pair +of shoes with which to start out afresh upon the pathway of reform, +which he solemnly promised to follow. + +If you have ever passed the old Schmittheimer place--and doubtless you +have, for it is the pride and ornament of a most aristocratic +section--you must have noticed the roadway that leads from the street +to the residence that looms up majestically two hundred feet back from +the street. Perhaps you have wondered why grounds in other respects so +attractive should be defaced by a feature so unsightly and so +impracticable as this identical roadway. + +And yet, as I told Alice, this roadway was actually the most natural +feature of the place; there was absolutely no touch of artificiality +about it; it was originally a stretch of sand, and such it had remained +from time immemorial, by which I mean from that remote date--presumably +eighteen centuries ago--when the receding waters of Lake Michigan left +the spot subsequently to be known as the old Schmittheimer place high +and dry in section 5, range 16, township 3. The genius of man had +wrought wondrous and beautiful changes elsewhere, converting marshes +into boulevards and transforming sandy wastes into blooming gardens; +but never had it expended a touch or a thought upon that bald +prehistoric streak which served as a driveway for all vehicles that +dared invade the old Schmittheimer place. + +How many vehicles had in the lapse of years been hopelessly maimed or +totally wrecked while trying to traverse that roadway I shall not +presume to say, for as a man of science I glory in exactness and I +eschew surmise. This much I know, for I have seen it time and again +during the last four months: nothing that moves on wheels has ventured +upon that roadway that it did not sink slowly but surely up to the hubs +of its wheels in the unresisting sand. The Pusheck grocery cart broke +a spring the first time it drove in, and the wagon that hauled the +steam fixtures was stalled for three hours in one of those treacherous +depressions in which the roadway abounds, depressions which, as I am +told, are known to dwellers in hilly country places as "thank-ye-marms." + +Until I became acquainted with this particular roadway I never fully +comprehended the nicety and the force of the phrase "to drive in." I +had heard people say that they had driven into such and such places, +and I had wondered why they employed this figure of speech when, it +seemed to me, it would have been more exact to say that they entered +upon or drove over. But I know now that it is no figure of speech when +one says that he drives into the old Schmittheimer place. No other +phrase could more exactly express an actuality. + +If we were going to retain the driveway in all its unhampered +prehistoric simplicity, just as the glacial period found and left it, +it would really be the proper thing for us to found and to maintain a +rescue station in its vicinity, for we have been called upon to hasten +to the relief of every vehicle that has "driven into" the premises +since we took possession. And a very serious theological aspect of +this matter is had in a consideration of the fact that this prehistoric +driveway not only breaks spokes and tires and hubs and springs, but +also incites human beings to break the third commandment. I have +overheard the young man who drives Pusheck's grocery cart indulging in +expletives which I am sure he never learned as a member of Alice's +Bible class. + +So, taking one consideration with another, Alice and I determined to +have a new road. Undoubtedly this was a wise determination; if we had +gone ahead from that wise beginning and built the road as we had +planned, all would have been well. The serious error we made was in +seeking the counsel of our neighbors--the very same error we have made +and kept on making over and over again ever since we entered upon this +scheme of the new house. + +I take it for granted that you know as well as I do that when it comes +to roads, there are as many different kinds of roads as there are +planetoids in the solar system. Furthermore, paradoxical as it may +appear, each of these different kinds is better than any of these +others, for each possesses not only all the advantages of the others, +but also certain distinct and paramount advantages of its own. Alice +and I had decided upon a dirt road, because we believed that a dirt +road would conform in appearance to the other rustic and farmlike +features of the place, and because we fancied that a dirt road could be +constructed cheaply. + +I use the term "dirt road" under protest. I am aware that what is +called a dirt road is, properly speaking, an earth road. Dirt is +filth, but earth is not; so when we call an earth road a dirt road we +commit a vulgar error by employing a wrong epithet. All this I know, +and yet, conforming to a custom, because it is a custom followed by all +except a smattering of purists, I humiliate my sense of integrity, and +I prostitute the virtue of my native speech. + +In an unguarded moment, as I have intimated, we confided to our +neighbors the precious secret that the stretch of sand from our front +gate to our backyard was to make way for a modern, safe, and +comfortable driveway. Immediately we were overwhelmed with suggestions +and advice as to the particular kind of driveway we really ought to +have. You may have noticed that whenever a friend (a dear, good +friend) advises, he or she invariably tells you what you really _ought_ +to have--putting much emphasis on the "ought." This clinches and +rivets the advice. When one says to you that you really ought to have +such or such a thing, he means, of course, that you would have it if +you were not either too poor or too stupid (or both) to get it. Alice +and I are poor in purse, but I deny that we are idiots. + +Not to consume your time with further discourse upon this subject +(although I will concede that it has its fascinations and its +importance), I will say that the primitive roadway (illustrative of the +pre-glacial period) still winds its Saharan course through our +premises. For Alice and I are undetermined whether to follow our own +instincts and have a dirt road (there it is again!) or whether to +concede to neighborly influence in the matter of this driveway, just as +we have conceded upon nearly every other detail that has come up for +consideration within the last four months. I dare say we shall +eventually come back to our original plan, for it is already as clear +as the noonday sun that if we adopt the suggestion of any one neighbor +we shall have all the rest of our neighbors down on us for the rest of +our lives. + +We had an unpleasant experience of this character in the matter of +wall-paper. It seems that Alice and Adah consulted all the women-folks +in their acquaintance, and after much agitation made such selections of +wall-paper as they believed would serve as a felicitous compromise +between all parties consulted and all tastes expressed. The result is +that nobody is suited--nobody but me. As for me, I am too much of a +philosopher and too busy with my philosophy to spend any time worrying +about the color or the pattern of the paper on the walls. If the paper +is not so prepossessing as it might be, I should be glad that it is +upon my walls rather than upon the walls of those whom it would vex +much more than it does me. + +I do not mind telling you that my favorite color in wall-paper (as well +as in everything else) is red, and it was a delicate concession upon +Alice's part to cover the walls of my study over the kitchen with paper +of undeniably red hue, upon which appear tracings of yellowish white in +a pattern particularly pleasing to my uneducated eye. Little +Josephine's room (which is shared by Alice's sister Adah) is decorated +with wall-paper in which red is also the predominant color. The +pattern is of bunches of roses in full bloom, and these counterfeit +presentments are so true to the life that when little Josephine first +entered the apartment she reached out her tiny hands in rapture and +sought to pluck the beautiful flowers. Adah, too, is delighted with +this floral design; the rose is her favorite flower, and by a charming +coincidence it happens to be also the favorite flower of Adah's friend +Maria--of course you remember Maria; married Johnnie Richardson, and +lives at St. Joe, Missouri. So, you see, there are several tender +sentiments attaching Adah to that rose-bedecked apartment. + +And yet (will you believe it?) there are those who do not at all +approve of the wall-paper in which I and little Josephine and Adah (to +say nothing of Maria) take so great delight. Some of these people have +been ill-mannered enough to laugh aloud and long when they beheld the +impassioned hue of the covering of the walls in my study! There was +one person (I forbear mention of her name) who seriously said she +thought we 'd be afraid to let little Josephine sleep in that +rose-garlanded room; that the glaring colors would be likely to give +the dear child the "willies." I do not know what the "willies" are, +but I do know that little Josephine sleeps well, eats well, and is +happy, and this is all that we could hope for in one of her tender +years. + +Now while I cannot do otherwise than defend the choices in wall-papers +which Alice and Adah have made, I distinctly recognize and I regret two +very unpleasant facts: first, that by not complying with their advice +upon the subject we have grievously offended a number of our neighbors, +and, second, that Alice and Adah are prepared to set down in the list +of their active and malignant foes every woman who presumes to +disparage either by word or by look the wall-paper they have picked out +as most pleasing to their tastes. + + + + +XXV + +AT LAST WE ENTER OUR HOUSE + +The detail of hardware fixtures did not enter into our original +calculations. This was very stupid of us, so everybody else +said--everybody, of course, who had been through the ordeal of building +a house. It is surprising how soon one who has had this experience +forgets that before he had that experience he was as ignorant and as +unsuspecting a body as could be imagined. + +I suspect that after all it is a good thing for humanity that all +people do not have to go through with what Alice and I have experienced +the last four months. Otherwise the world would be filled with +distrust, for I can conceive of nothing else so likely to sow the seeds +of rancor and of suspicion in one's bosom as an experience at building +a house. + +It has seemed to me at times during the last four months as if the +carpenters and joiners and plumbers and painters were leagued against +Alice and me to defraud and to rob us. I supposed that in these dull +and hard times these people would feel in a measure grateful to us for +giving them a chance to ply their trades. I find, however, that they +expect me to be grateful to them for allowing me the privilege of +paying them exorbitant prices for very indifferent services. + +Alice wanted to make a contract in every instance, but she was wheedled +out of this by the eloquent representations of the sharpers to the +effect that it would be much cheaper in the end to pay for the material +used and so much per diem for the actual labor done. This looked +reasonable enough, but the result was wholly in favor of the per-diem +fellows. Our experience has convinced us that a mechanic who is +working per diem will never make an end to his job so long as the +appropriation holds out. + +Of what use would our new house have been to us if the doors and +windows and screens and blinds had not been supplied with the fixtures +required for their operation? We have very little worth stealing, and +yet I feel more secure if there are locks upon our doors and if the +windows are fastened down. Uncle Si knew that we would need bolts and +locks and other similar hardware fixtures; the neighbors, our busiest +advisers, knew it, too; yet nobody ever said booh about these things to +us. They fancied, forsooth, that we would have by intuition the +knowledge which they had acquired by costly experience! And when we +complained of the expense and trouble involved in the selection and +purchase of these extras, the intimation that we were unreasonably +idiotic was freely bandied about by the very people who should have +sympathized with us. + +The fixtures came late, too late for the big storm. There being no +bolt or any other fastening to the north porch door, the wind blew that +door open and the rain descended in torrents upon the hardwood floor of +the guest chamber. Next day it was apparent that the floor was +practically ruined. The carpenters agreed that it would have to be +scraped and that it was very likely to swell and spring out of place on +account of the soaking it had suffered. + +Hardwood floors may have their advantages: they ought to have, for they +are a costly luxury and they are a great care. Owing to the few +hardwood floors in our new house we were delayed moving into the place +for many weeks. When Uncle Si and his cohort got through with them +they were as billowy as the surface of the ocean. + +The painters came to us one by one and apprized us in confidence that +those floors were the worst they had ever seen. They said that the +carpenters must have supposed that we wanted a toboggan slide instead +of hardwood floors. This sarcasm rankled in our bosoms. + +At this critical juncture Lansom Mansom, the cabinetmaker who had made +our bookcases for us, came to our relief with the suggestion that he be +employed to "go over" the floors and make them practicable. He advised +the per-diem scheme, and with characteristic good nature we acceded to +it. Thereupon this crafty and thrifty person set himself about this +delectable task, which busied him five weeks at four dollars a day--a +sum not to be sneezed at, I can tell you. + +When the floors were scraped and stained and varnished it took two +weeks for them to dry; meanwhile nobody was permitted to approach them. +A favored few among our most intimate friends were graciously allowed +to peer in at the shining floors from the porch outside, and it seemed +very tedious waiting for the time to come when we could put those +floors to the uses for which floors are undoubtedly intended. + +When at last we _were_ suffered to walk upon the floors an unlooked-for +casualty came very near dashing to the ground the cup of joy which our +pride had, metaphorically speaking, raised to our lips. Little +Josephine, the most precious jewel in our domestic diadem, had never +before had any experience with hardwood floors, and no sooner did she +begin to dance and caper on that smooth and lustrous surface than the +innocent little lambkin lost her footing and fell, sustaining so severe +a shock as to render the services of a physician necessary. + +This mishap confirmed me in my dislike for hardwood floors, and that +dislike has increased steadily. Several other people have come very +near breaking their necks by losing their balance on that treacherous +surface, and I confess that I myself am compelled to exercise the art +of a Blondin in order to maintain my equilibrium in those slippery +places. + +Alice has always argued that hardwood floors were particularly +desirable for the reason that they did away with the expense and care +of carpets. It is true that we are to have no carpets in the +apartments where these hardwood floors have been laid, but these +handsome floors simply emphasize and italicize a man's poverty unless +they are dotted with rugs, and there is none so foolhardy as to deny +that the average rug costs five times as much as the average carpet. +And the care demanded by a hardwood floor is exacting, for that shining +surface, upon which every spot of dust stands out so distinctly, must +be gone over daily with a soft brush, and must be wiped up with a wet +cloth at least thrice a week. + +Moreover the utmost precaution must be practised lest the surface of +the hardwood floor be scratched or be seamed by the nails in one's +boots or by the legs of tables or of chairs. Our youngest son, +Erasmus, complains grievously of the restrictions put upon him since he +entered upon this hardwood-floor epoch of his career. It is hard for +the buoyant lad to understand why he is not to be permitted to slide +and skate on these floors as he has hitherto been permitted to slide +and skate on the floors of the rented houses we have lived in. I have +not chided Erasmus for his remonstrances, for I, too, have been tempted +to rebel against the new order of things. If either Erasmus or I ever +build a house of our own we shall eschew the hardwood-floor heresy as +we would a pest. + +There is another evil which I am at this moment reminded of, and that +is the folding-door evil. In all my experience I have never met with +another door as honest, sensible, and trustworthy as the door that +swings on hinges. + +I told Alice so when the subject of doors came up in our discussions of +proposed innovations in the new house. But Alice had conceived the +notion that we ought to have a folding door in the parlor, and when +Alice once gets a notion into her head all creation with a pickaxe +couldn't get it out again. + +Properly speaking, the door was not a folding door; it was a sliding +door. When pushed back it was to disappear in the wall separating the +parlor from the front hall. When I saw Uncle Si and his men +constructing this door I expressed the fear that it wouldn't work, but +Uncle Si laughed my fears to scorn; the trouble with too many doors, he +said, was that they were made of cheap stuff; _this_ door, he assured +me, was an A No. 1 door and would never--could never--get out of place. +Then he showed me the rollers and attachments and proved their +practicability and strength. + +Not knowing any more about such things than a seacow knows of the +summer solstice, I assented to all his propositions and went my way +with my apprehensions completely allayed. But in less than forty-eight +hours after Uncle Si and his men turned over the house to us, bang went +that door, and no power at our command could budge it an inch either +way. + +Another carpenter came and investigated. Presently he shook his head +and smiled a bitter smile. Then he told us that the break would not +have happened if the fixtures had not been of the cheapest make. What +we required, he said, was fixtures that cost ten dollars instead of +three dollars, our door being a large parlor door and not a light +pantry door. + +We bade this sarcastic genius go ahead and remedy the evil as best he +could, and the result is that the door now slides as smoothly as even +the most exacting could wish: this repair has involved the expenditure +of only fifteen dollars, and I would not mention it if I had any +confidence whatever in the door even in its rehabilitated condition. I +know as well as I know anything else that as soon as we build a fire in +our heating apparatus next November the heat thereof will warp and +twist that door into such shape that it will be as impossible to budge +it as if it were nailed down. We shall then be in a serious pickle, +for we shall be unable to enter our parlor. + +The windows all over the house are fast in their casings, having been +painted so carefully by those rascally painters that it requires the +power of a steam derrick to raise them. The other morning I tried to +open one of the windows in the butler's pantry, for the atmosphere in +that place was absolutely stifling. I tugged and pulled and pushed in +vain. + +Finally a happy thought struck me, and I hunted up a hammer and used it +lustily upon the obstinate sash. I must have got careless, for after I +had hammered away for several minutes I missed my aim and the head of +the hammer went through a pane of glass. + +I didn't want Alice to know anything about this mishap, so I furtively +hired a glazier to repair the damage I had done. As I made no contract +with the fellow he took advantage of me, just as I should have known by +experience he would. Here is a copy of the bill he has just sent in +for me to pay: + + + "REUBEN BAKER, Esq., to J. SYKES, Dr. + + To one pane glass 7x11 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .30 + To one day's labor setting same . . . . . . . . . . . $3.60 + ----- + Total . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3.90 + Please remit." + + + + +[It was the intention of Mr. Field to add a final chapter to his book +describing the entrance of the Baker family into their new home, but +his sudden death left the book with this chapter unwritten.] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HOUSE*** + + +******* This file should be named 21808-8.txt or 21808-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/1/8/0/21808 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Garrett</h1> +<pre class="pg"> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: The House</p> +<p> An Episode in the Lives of Reuben Baker, Astronomer, and of His Wife, Alice</p> +<p>Author: Eugene Field</p> +<p>Release Date: June 11, 2007 [eBook #21808]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HOUSE***</p> +<br><br><center><h3>E-text prepared by Al Haines</h3></center><br><br> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" noshade> +<p> </p> + +<A NAME="img-front"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG CLASS="imgcenter" SRC="images/img-front.jpg" ALT="The House. Drawn by E. H. Garrett." BORDER="2" WIDTH="297" HEIGHT="446"> +<H3 CLASS="h3center" STYLE="width: 297px"> +The House. Drawn by E. H. Garrett. +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<BR><BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +THE WORKS OF EUGENE FIELD +<BR> +Vol. VIII +<BR><BR> +THE WRITINGS IN PROSE AND VERSE OF EUGENE FIELD +</H3> + +<BR><BR> + +<H1 ALIGN="center"> +THE HOUSE +</H1> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +AN EPISODE IN THE LIVES OF REUBEN BAKER, <BR> +ASTRONOMER, AND OF HIS WIFE ALICE +</H3> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS +<BR> +NEW YORK +<BR> +1911 +</H4> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H5 ALIGN="center"> +Copyright, 1896, by +<BR> +JULIA SUTHERLAND FIELD. +</H5> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +INTRODUCTION +</H3> + +<P> +The story that is told in this volume is as surely an autobiography as +if that announcement were a part of the title: and it also has the +peculiar and significant distinction of being in some sort the +biography of every man and woman who enters seriously upon the business +of life. +</P> + +<P> +In its pages is to be found the history of the heart's desire of all +who are disposed to take the partnership of man and woman seriously. +The instinct—the desire—call it what you will—that is herein set +forth with such gentle humor is as old as humanity, and all literature +that contains germs of permanence teems with its influence. But never +before has it had so painstaking a biographer—so deft and subtle an +interpreter. +</P> + +<P> +We are told, alas! that the story of Alice and Reuben Baker wanted but +one chapter to complete it when Eugene Field died. That chapter was to +have told how they reached the fulfilment of their heart's desire. But +even here the unities are preserved. The chapter that is unwritten in +the book is also unwritten in the lives of perhaps the great majority +of men and women. +</P> + +<P> +The story that Mr. Field has told portrays his genius and his humor in +a new light. We have seen him scattering the germs of his wit +broadcast in the newspapers—we have seen him putting on the cap and +bells, as it were, to lead old Horace through some modern paces—we +have heard him singing his tender lullabies to children—we have wept +with him over "Little Boy Blue," and all the rest of those quaint +songs—we have listened to his wonderful stories—but only in the story +of "The House" do we find his humor so gently turned, so deftly put, +and so ripe for the purpose of literary expression. It lies deep here, +and those who desire to enjoy it as it should be enjoyed must place +their ears close to the heart of human nature. The wit and the +rollicking drollery that were but the surface indications of Mr. +Field's genius have here given place to the ripe humor that lies as +close to tears as to laughter—the humor that is a part and a large +part of almost every piece of English literature that has outlived the +hand that wrote it. +</P> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +The Chapters in this Book +</H2> + +<BR> + +<CENTER> + +<TABLE WIDTH="80%"> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">I </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap01">WE BUY A PLACE</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">II </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap02">OURSELVES AND OUR NEIGHBORS</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">III </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap03">WE MAKE OUR BARGAIN KNOWN</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">IV </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap04">THE FIRST PAYMENT</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">V </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap05">WE NEGOTIATE A MORTGAGE</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">VI </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap06">I AM BESOUGHT TO BUY THINGS</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">VII </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap07">OUR PLANS FOR IMPROVEMENTS</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">VIII </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap08">THE VANDALS BEGIN THEIR WORK</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">IX </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap09">NEIGHBOR MACLEOD'S THISTLE</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">X </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap10">COLONEL DOLLER'S GREAT IDEA</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XI </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap11">I MAKE A STAND FOR MY RIGHTS</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XII </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap12">I AM DECEIVED IN MR. WAX</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XIII </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap13">EDITOR WOODSIT A TRUE FRIEND</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XIV </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap14">THE VICTIM OF AN ORDINANCE</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XV </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap15">THE QUESTION OF INSURANCE</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XVI </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap16">NEIGHBOR ROBBINS' PLATYPUS</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XVII </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap17">OUR DEVICES FOR ECONOMIZING</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XVIII </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap18">I STATE MY VIEWS ON TAXATION</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XIX </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap19">OTHER PEOPLE'S DOGS</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XX </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap20">I ACQUIRE POISON AND EXPERIENCE</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XXI </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap21">WITH PLUMBERS AND PAINTERS</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XXII </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap22">THE BUTLER'S PANTRY</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XXIII </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap23">ALICE'S NIGHT WATCHMAN</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XXIV </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap24">DRIVEWAYS AND WALL PAPERS</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">XXV </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap25">AT LAST WE ENTER OUR HOUSE</A></TD> +</TR> + +</TABLE> + +</CENTER> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap01"></A> + +<H1 ALIGN="center"> +THE HOUSE +</H1> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +I +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +WE BUY A PLACE +</H3> + +<P> +It was either Plato the Athenian, or Confucius the Chinese, or +Andromachus the Cretan—or some other philosopher whose name I +disremember—that remarked once upon a time, and the time was many +centuries ago, that no woman was happy until she got herself a home. It +really makes no difference who first uttered this truth, the truth itself +is and always has been recognized as one possessing nearly all the +virtues of an axiom. +</P> + +<P> +I recall that one of the first wishes I heard Alice express during our +honeymoon was that we should sometime be rich enough to be able to build +a dear little house for ourselves. We were poor, of course; otherwise +our air castle would not have been "a dear little house"; it would have +been a palatial residence with a dance-hall at the top and a wine-cellar +at the bottom thereof. I have always observed that when the money comes +in the poetry flies out. Bread and cheese and kisses are all well enough +for poverty-stricken romance, but as soon as a poor man receives a +windfall his thoughts turn inevitably to a contemplation of the +probability of terrapin and canvasbacks. +</P> + +<P> +I encouraged Alice in her fond day-dreaming, and we decided between us +that the dear little house should be a cottage, about which the roses and +the honeysuckles should clamber in summer, and which in winter should be +banked up with straw and leaves, for Alice and I were both of New England +origin. I must confess that we had some reason for indulging these +pleasing speculations, for at that time my Aunt Susan was living, and she +was reputed as rich as mud (whatever that may mean), and this simile was +by her neighbors coupled with another, which represented Aunt Susan as +being as close as a clapboard on a house. Whatever her reputation was, I +happened to be Aunt Susan's nearest of kin, and although I never so far +lost my presence of mind as to intimate even indirectly that I had any +expectations, I wrote regularly to Aunt Susan once a month, and every +fall I sent her a box of game, which I told her I had shot in the woods +near our boarding-house, but which actually I had bought of a commission +merchant in South Water Street. +</P> + +<P> +With the legacy which we were to receive from Aunt Susan, Alice and I had +it all fixed up that we should build a cottage like one which Alice had +seen one time at Sweet Springs while convalescing at that fashionable +Missouri watering-place from an attack of the jaundice. This cottage +was, as I was informed, an ingenious combination of Gothic decadence and +Norman renaissance architecture. Being somewhat of an antiquarian by +nature, I was gratified by the promise of archaism which Alice's picture +of our future home presented. We picked out a corner lot in,—well, no +matter where; that delectable dream, with its Gothic and Norman features, +came to an untimely end all too soon. At its very height Aunt Susan up +and died, and a fortnight later we learned that, after bequeathing the +bulk of her property to foreign missions, she had left me, whom she had +condescended to refer to as her "beloved nephew," nine hundred dollars in +cash and her favorite flower-piece in wax, a hideous thing which for +thirty years had occupied the corner of honor in the front spare chamber. +</P> + +<P> +I do not know what Alice did with the wax-flowers. As for the nine +hundred dollars, I appropriated it to laudable purposes. Some of it went +for a new silk dress for Alice; the rest I spent for books, and I recall +my thrill of delight when I saw ensconced upon my shelves a splendid copy +of Audubon's "Birds" with its life-size pictures of turkeys, buzzards, +and other fowl done in impossible colors. +</P> + +<P> +After that experience "our house" simmered and shrivelled down from the +Norman-Gothic to plain, everyday, fin-de-siècle architecture. We +concluded that we could get along with five rooms (although six would be +better), and we transferred our affections from that corner lot in the +avenue which had engaged our attention during the decadent-renaissance +phase of our enthusiasm to a modest point in Slocum's Addition, a +locality originally known as Slocum's Slough, but now advertised and +heralded by the press and rehabilitated in public opinion as Paradise +Park. This pleasing mania lasted about two years. Then it was forever +abated by the awful discovery that Paradise Park was the breeding spot of +typhoid fever, and, furthermore, that old man Slocum's title to the +property was defective in every essential particular. +</P> + +<P> +Alice and I did not find it in our power either to overlook or to combat +these trifling objections; with unabated optimism we cast our eyes +elsewhere, and within a month we found another delectable biding +place—this time some distance from the city—in fact, in one of the new +and booming suburbs. Elmdale was then new to fame. I suppose they +called it Elmdale because it had neither an elm nor a dale. It was +fourteen miles from town, but its railroad transportation facilities were +unique. The five-o'clock milk-train took passengers in to business every +morning, and the eight-o'clock accommodation brought them home again +every evening; moreover, the noon freight stopped at Elmdale to take up +passengers every other Wednesday, and it was the practice of every other +train to whistle and to slack up in speed to thirty miles an hour while +passing through this promising suburb. +</P> + +<P> +I did not care particularly for Elmdale, but Alice took a mighty fancy to +it. Our twin boys (Galileo and Herschel, named after the astronomers of +blessed memory!) were now three years old, and Alice insisted that they +required the pure air and the wholesome freedom of rural life. Galileo +had, in fact, never quite been himself since he swallowed the pincushion. +</P> + +<P> +We did not go to Elmdale at once; we never went there. Elmdale was +simply another one of those curious phases in which our dream of a home +abounded. With the Elmdale phase "our house" underwent another change. +But this was natural enough. You see that in none of our other plans had +we contemplated the possibility of a growing family. Now we had two +uproarious boys, and their coming had naturally put us into pleasing +doubt as to what similar emergencies might transpire in the future. So +our five-room cottage had acquired (in our minds) two more rooms—seven +altogether—and numerous little changes in the plans and decorations of +"our house" had gradually been evolved. +</P> + +<P> +As I now remember, it was about this time that Alice made up her mind +that the reception-room should be treated in blue. Her birth had +occurred in December, and therefore turquoise was her birth-stone and the +blue thereof was her favorite color. I am not much of a believer in such +things—in fact, I discredit all superstitions except such as involve +black cats and the rabbit's foot, and these exceptions are wholly +reasonable, for my family lived for many years in Salem, Mass. But I +have always conceded that Alice has as good a right to her superstitions +as I to mine. I bought her the prettiest turquoise ring I could afford, +and I approved her determination to treat the reception-room in blue. I +rather enjoyed the prospect of the luxury of a reception-room; it had +ground the iron into my soul that, ever since we married and settled +down, Alice and I had been compelled in winter months to entertain our +callers in the same room where we ate our meals. In summer this +humiliation did not afflict us, for then we always sat of an evening on +the front porch. +</P> + +<P> +The blue room met with a curious fate. One Christmas our beneficent +friend, Colonel Mullaly, presented Alice and me with a beautiful and +valuable lamp. Alice went to Burley's the next week and priced one (not +half as handsome) and was told that it cost sixty dollars. It was a +tall, shapely lamp, with an alabaster and Italian marble pedestal +cunningly polished; a magnificent yellow silk shade served as the +crowning glory to this superb creation. +</P> + +<P> +For a week, perhaps, Alice was abstracted; then she told me that she had +been thinking it all over and had about made up her mind that when we got +our new house she would have the reception-room treated in a delicate +canary shade. +</P> + +<P> +"But why abandon the blue, my dear?" I asked. "I think it would be so +pretty to have the decoration of the room match your turquoise ring." +</P> + +<P> +"That 's just like a man!" said Alice. "Reuben, dear, could you possibly +imagine anything else so perfectly horrid as a yellow lampshade in a blue +room?" +</P> + +<P> +"You are right, sweetheart," said I. "That is something I had never +thought of before. You are right; canary color it shall be, and when we +have moved in I 'll buy you a dear little canary bird in a lovely gold +cage, and we 'll hang it in the front window right over the lamp, so that +everybody can see our treasures from the street and envy our happiness!" +</P> + +<P> +"You dear, sweet boy!" cried Alice, and she reached up and pulled my head +down and kissed her dear, sweet boy on his bald spot. Alice is an angel! +</P> + +<P> +I fear I am wearying you with the prolixity of my narrative. So let me +pass rapidly over the ten years that succeeded to the yellow-lamp epoch. +Ten hard but sweet years! Years full of struggle and hopes, touched with +bereavement and sorrow, but precious years, for troubles, like those we +have had, sanctify human lives. Children came to us, and of these +priceless treasures we lost two. If I thought Alice would ever see these +lines I should not say to you now that from the two great sorrows of +those years my heart has never been and never shall be weaned. I would +not have Alice know this, for it would open afresh the wounds her dear, +tender mother-heart has suffered. +</P> + +<P> +Galileo and Herschel are strapping fellows. They have survived their +juvenile ambitions to be milkmen, policemen, lamp-lighters, butchers, +grocerymen, etc., respectively. Both are now in the manual-training +school. Fanny, Josephine and Erasmus—I have not mentioned them +before,—these are the children that are left to us of those that have +come in the later years. And, my! how they are growing! What changes +have taken place in them and all about us! My affairs have prospered; if +it had n't been for the depression that set in two years ago I should +have had one thousand dollars in bank by this time. My salary has +increased steadily year by year; it has now reached a sum that enables me +to hope for speedy relief from those financial worries which encompass +the head of a numerous household. By the practice of rigid economy in +family expenses I have been able to accumulate a large number of +black-letter books and a fine collection of curios, including some fifty +pieces of mediaeval armor. We have lived in rented houses all these +years, but at no time has Alice abandoned the hope and the ambition of +having a home of her own. "Our house" has been the burthen of her song +from one year's end to the other. I understand that this becomes a +monomania with a woman who lives in a rented house. +</P> + +<P> +And, gracious! what changes has "our house" undergone since first dear +Alice pictured it as a possibility to me! It has passed through every +character, form, and style of architecture conceivable. From five rooms +it has grown to fourteen. The reception parlor, chameleon-like, has +changed color eight times. There have duly loomed up bewildering visions +of a library, a drawing-room, a butler's pantry, a nursery, a +laundry—oh, it quite takes my breath away to recall and recount the +possibilities which Alice's hopes and fancies conjured up. +</P> + +<P> +But, just two months ago to-day Alice burst in upon me. I was in my +study over the kitchen figuring upon the probable date of the conjunction +of Venus and Saturn in the year 1963. +</P> + +<P> +"Reuben, dear," cried Alice, "I 've done it! I 've bought a place!" +</P> + +<P> +"Alice Fothergill Baker," says I, "what <I>do</I> you mean!" +</P> + +<P> +She was all out of breath—so transported with delight was she that she +could hardly speak. Yet presently she found breath to say: "You know the +old Schmittheimer place—the house that sets back from the street and has +lovely trees in the yard? You remember how often we 've gone by there +and wished we had a home like it? Well, I 've bought it! Do you +understand, Reuben dear? I 've bought it, and we 've got a home at last!" +</P> + +<P> +"Have you <I>paid</I> for it, darling?" I asked. +</P> + +<P> +"N-n-no, not yet," she answered, "but I 'm going to, and you 're going to +help me, are n't you, Reuben?" +</P> + +<P> +"Alice," says I, going to her and putting my arms about her, "I don't +know what you 've done, but of course I 'll help you—yes, dearest, I 'll +back you to the last breath of my life!" +</P> + +<P> +Then she made me put on my boots and overcoat and hat and go with her to +see her new purchase—"our house!" +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap02"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +II +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +OURSELVES AND OUR NEIGHBORS +</H3> + +<P> +Everybody's house is better made by his neighbors. This philosophical +utterance occurs in one of those black-letter volumes which I purchased +with the money left me by my Aunt Susan (of blessed memory!). Even if +Alice and I had not fully made up our minds, after nineteen years of +planning and figuring, what kind of a house we wanted, we could have +referred the important matter to our neighbors in the confident +assurance that these amiable folk were much more intimately acquainted +with our needs and our desires than we ourselves were. The utter +disinterestedness of a neighbor qualifies him to judge dispassionately +of your requirements. When he tells you that you ought to do so and so +or ought to have such and such a thing, his counsel should be heeded, +because the probabilities are that he has made a careful study of you +and he has unselfishly arrived at conclusions which intelligently +contemplate your welfare. In planning for oneself one is too likely to +be directed by narrow prejudices and selfish considerations. +</P> + +<P> +Alice and I have always thought much of our neighbors. I suspect that +my neighbors are my most salient weaknesses. I confess that I enjoy +nothing else more than an informal call upon the Baylors, the Tiltmans, +the Rushes, the Denslows and the other good people who constitute the +best element in society in that part of the city where Alice and I and +our interesting family have been living in rented quarters for the last +six years. This informality of which I am so fond has often grieved +and offended Alice. It is that gentle lady's opinion that a man at my +time of life should have too much dignity to make a practice of +"bolting into people's houses" (I quote her words exactly) when I know +as well as I know anything that they are at dinner, and that a dessert +in the shape of a rhubarb pie or a Strawberry shortcake is about to be +served. +</P> + +<P> +There was a time when Alice overlooked this idiosyncrasy upon my part; +that was before I achieved what Alice terms a national reputation by my +discovery of a satellite to the star Gamma in the tail of the +constellation Leo. Alice does not stop to consider that our neighbors +have never read the royal octavo volume I wrote upon the subject of +that discovery; Alice herself has never read that book. Alice simply +knows that I wrote that book and paid a printer one thousand one +hundred dollars to print it; this is sufficient to give me a high and +broad status in her opinion, bless her loyal little heart! +</P> + +<P> +But what do our neighbors know or care about that book? What, for that +matter, do they know or care about the constellation Leo, to say +nothing of its tail and the satellites to the stellar component parts +thereof? I thank God that my hospitable neighbor, Mrs. Baylor, has +never suffered a passion for astronomical research to lead her into a +neglect of the noble art of compounding rhubarb pies, and I am equally +grateful that no similar passion has stood in the way of good Mrs. +Rush's enthusiastic and artistic construction of the most delicious +shortcake ever put into the human mouth. +</P> + +<P> +The Denslows, the Baylors, the Rushes, the Tiltmans and the rest have +taken a great interest in us, and they have shared the enthusiasm (I +had almost said rapture) with which Alice and I discoursed of "the +house" which we were going to have "sometime." They did not, however, +agree with us, nor did they agree with one another, as to the kind of +house this particular house of ours ought to be. Each one had a house +for sale, and each one insisted that his or her house was particularly +suited to our requirements. The merits of each of these houses were +eloquently paraded by the owners thereof, and the demerits were as +eloquently pointed out by others who had houses of their own to sell +"on easy terms and at long time." +</P> + +<P> +It was not long, as you can well suppose, before Alice and I were +intimately acquainted with all the weak points in our neighbors' +residences. We knew all about the Baylors' leaky roof, the Denslows' +cracked plastering, the Tiltmans' back stairway, the Rushes' exposed +water pipes, the Bollingers' defective chimney, the Dobells' rickety +foundation, and a thousand other scandalous details which had been +dinged into us and which we treasured up to serve as a warning to us +when we came to have a house—"<I>the</I> house" which we had talked about +so many years. +</P> + +<P> +I can readily understand that there were those who regarded our talk +and our planning simply as so much effervescence. We had harped upon +the same old string so long—or at least Alice had—that, not +unfrequently, even we smilingly asked ourselves whether it were likely +that our day-dreaming would ever be realized. I dimly recall that upon +several occasions I went so far as to indulge in amiable sarcasms upon +Alice's exuberant mania. I do not remember just what these witticisms +were, but I daresay they were bright enough, for I never yet have +indulged in repartee without having bestowed much preliminary study and +thought upon it. +</P> + +<P> +I have mentioned our youngest son, Erasmus; he was born to us while we +were members of Plymouth Church, and we gave him that name in +consideration of the wishes of our beloved pastor, who was deeply +learned in and a profound admirer of the philosophical works of Erasmus +the original. Both Alice and I hoped that our son would incline to +follow in the footsteps of the mighty genius whose name he bore. But +from his very infancy he developed traits widely different from those +of the stern philosopher whom we had set up before him as the paragon +of human excellence. I have always suspected that little Erasmus +inherited his frivolous disposition from his uncle (his mother's +brother), Lemuel Fothergill, who at the early age of nineteen ran away +from the farm in Maine to travel with a thrashing machine, and who +subsequently achieved somewhat of a local reputation as a singer of +comic songs in the Barnabee Concert Troupe on the Connecticut river +circuit. +</P> + +<P> +Erasmus' sense of humor is hampered by no sentiment of reverence. For +the last five years he has caused his mother and me much humiliation by +his ribald treatment of the subject that is nearest and dearest to our +hearts. In fact, we have come to be ashamed of speaking of "the house" +in Erasmus' hearing, for that would give the child a chance to indulge +in humor at the expense of a matter which he seems to regard as +visionary as the merest fairy tale. Now Galileo and Herschel are very +different boys; they are making famous progress at the manual training +school. Galileo has already invented a churn of exceptional merit, and +Herschel is so deft at carpentering that I have determined to let him +build the observatory which I am going to have on the roof of the new +house one of these days. Galileo and Herschel are unusually proper, +steady boys. And our daughters—ah! that reminds me. +</P> + +<P> +Fanny is our oldest girl. She is going on fifteen now. She favors the +Bakers in appearance, but her character is more like her mother's side +of the family. If I do say it myself, Fanny is a beautiful girl. If I +could have <I>my</I> way Fanny would be less given to the social amenities +of life, but the truth is that the dear creature naturally loves gayety +and is bound to have it at all times and under all conditions. Her +merry disposition makes her a favorite with all, and particularly with +her schoolmates. +</P> + +<P> +Now that I think of it, Willie Sears has been to see Fanny every +evening for the last week. I wonder whether Alice has noticed it; I +think I shall have to speak to her about it. Yet the probability is +that Alice will resent the suggestion which my mention of the matter +will convey. Alice has been saying all along that one particular +reason why our new house should be a large one is that there would then +be a room where Fanny could receive her company without being mortified +almost to death by Erasmus' horrid intrusion and still more horrid +remarks. At such times I forgive and adore Erasmus. It seems only +yesterday that I bought her a bisque doll at the World's Fair, a bisque +doll with pink eyes and blue hair, and now—oh, Fanny, are you no +longer our little girl? +</P> + +<P> +Still, we have Josephine, and I am sure she will honor us; for she was +born six years ago under the conjunction of Jupiter and Venus, and +while Mars was at perihelion. Moreover, she is the seventh daughter of +a seventh daughter, and there are those who believe that there is +especial virtue in that. I named her after the French empress, not +because I am a particular admirer of that remarkable but unfortunate +woman's character, but for the reason that upon one occasion she +secured a pension of eight hundred francs for the astronomer LeBanc, +who had already added to the sum of human happiness by locating an +asteroid near the left limb of the sun, and who subsequently discovered +a greenish yellow spot on the outer ring of the planet Saturn. I never +hear my dear little girl's voice or see her sweet face that I do not +think of the planet Saturn; and never in the solemn stillness of night +do I contemplate the scintillating glories of the ringed orb without +being reminded of the fair, innocent babe asleep in her little white +iron bedstead downstairs. +</P> + +<P> +This sentimental association of objects widely separated in space has +served to convince me that there is nothing, either in the heavens +above or in the earth beneath, that has not its use, both profitable +and pleasant. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap03"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +III +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +WE MAKE OUR BARGAIN KNOWN +</H3> + +<P> +The Schmittheimer place has occasioned Alice and me many heartburnings +of envy the last three years. I recall that the first time we passed +it Alice exclaimed: "There, Reuben, is just the place for us!" I +agreed entirely with this proposition. The house stood back a goodly +distance from the street upon a prominence that gave it an extended +survey of the landscape, and afforded an exceptionally noble +opportunity for an unobstructed view of the heavens upon cloudless +nights. Alice particularly admired the lawn, for already she pictured +to herself the pleasing sight of little Josephine and little Erasmus at +play in the cool grass under the umbrageous trees. +</P> + +<P> +And now, having yearned and pined for this particular abiding-place a +many days, it was really ours! Alice told me about it—how she had +comprehended the bargain (for it was indeed a bargain!)—as we +proceeded together to inspect our new home. It seems that that very +morning, worn out with waiting and inflamed by a determination to do +Now or to perish in the attempt, Alice had sallied forth in quest of +the precious game. She had gone directly to the owner, had subtly +ingratiated herself in the confidence of Mrs. Schmittheimer, and, in +less than fifteen minutes' time, had made terms with that amiable +woman. And <I>such</I> terms! My head fairly swims when I think of it. +</P> + +<P> +Mrs. Schmittheimer is a widow. Since her husband's demise two years +ago come next September, she has lived in comparative solitude in the +old home. She was not wholly alone, for with characteristic Teutonic +thrift she had rented the lower part of the house to a small family, +consisting of a mechanic, his wife, their baby, and a small dog. Mrs. +Schmittheimer herself lived and moved and had her being in the second +story, doing her own cooking and other housework, her only companion +being her faithful omnipresent cat, the sex of which (I state this for +a reason which will hereinafter transpire) was feminine. Although the +good Mrs. Schmittheimer was not unfrequently visited by female +compatriots who condoled with her and drank her coffee and ate her +kuchen, after the fashion of sympathetic, suffering womanhood, she +wearied of this loneliness; she was, in fact, as anxious to get away +from the old place as Alice and I were to get into it. +</P> + +<P> +So Alice and Mrs. Schmittheimer had little trouble in coming to an +understanding mutually agreeable. The late Mr. Schmittheimer had +always demanded the round sum of ten thousand dollars for the property +under discussion, but the prevalence of hard times and the persuasive +eloquence of my dear diplomatic Alice induced the late Mr. +Schmittheimer's relict to consent to a reduction of the price to nine +thousand five hundred dollars, "one thousand dollars in cash and the +balance in five years at six per cent. interest, payable semi-annually." +</P> + +<P> +"You see," said Alice to me, "that we practically get the place for +five years by simply paying rent. We pay one thousand dollars down and +fifty dollars a month interest. In five years there are sixty months. +and in that time we shall have paid for this place four thousand +dollars, which is but four hundred dollars more than we should have to +pay if we remained in the house we are now living in at sixty dollars a +month rental! You see, I have figured it all out, and figures can't +lie!" +</P> + +<P> +You will agree with me when I tell you right here that my wife Alice is +a superior woman. +</P> + +<P> +"Now we must be very careful," said Alice, "not to breathe a word about +this to anybody until all the papers have been signed and the property +has been transferred." +</P> + +<P> +I suggested that in so serious a proceeding it might be wise to have +the counsel of the more intimate of our neighbors; the Baylors, the +Rushes and the Tiltmans had had experience in such matters, and might +be of important service to us in this particular undertaking. +</P> + +<P> +"No," said Alice, "we must guard against every possibility of failure. +Our plan might leak out and reach the ears of the real-estate dealers, +and then we should be hopelessly lost. Our neighbors mean well, but +they are human. No, the only people I shall consult are the Denslows." +</P> + +<P> +I saw at once the wisdom of this determination. The Denslows are most +estimable folk and I admire and love them. Mrs. Denslow is of an +exceptionally warm, generous, and liberal nature, while, upon the other +hand, Mr. Denslow has the reputation of being the most cautious +business man in our city; the consequence is that in the administration +of affairs in the Denslow household you meet with that conservative +happy medium which is beautiful to contemplate. Alice was right; our +precious secret would be secure with the Denslows. In fact the +Denslows would be of distinct help to us in the vast enterprise in +which we had embarked. Mrs. Denslow would be prepared at all times to +provide sympathy and enthusiasm, and Mr. Denslow would be constituted +at once absolute engineer and watchdog of the business details of the +affair. +</P> + +<P> +But—I make the confession amid blushes—I cannot prevaricate, neither +can I dissemble. Alice knew the guilelessness and singleness of my +nature, and she should not have imposed that dreadful oath of secrecy +upon me. I would not for all the wealth of the Indies live over again +the awful four hours which followed my solemn promise to Alice not to +reveal the blissful tidings that we had bought the old Schmittheimer +place! I felt as if I had committed a crime; I was as a haunted man +must be. I dared not look my neighbors in the face lest they should +read the sweet truth in my honest eyes. +</P> + +<P> +Finally I broke completely down, for I could not stand it any longer. +I actually believe that if I had kept silent another hour the dreadful +consciousness of guilt would have swelled within me to such a bulk as +to have burst me into fragments, which would now be travelling around +aimlessly in space, like the lost Pleiad, or like the dismembered and +stray tail of a comet. So I called my next neighbor, Rush, out behind +his barn, and, under oath of secrecy, revealed the good news to him, +and then I did likewise by neighbor Tiltman, and so on, in seemly +progression, by all the other neighbors, until at last my confidence +had been securely reposed in every one. +</P> + +<P> +I cannot tell you what sweet relief I found in this proceeding. To my +killing consciousness of guilt succeeded a peace which passeth all +human understanding. There was a world of satisfaction, too, in being +assured by each of those dear neighbors that we (Alice and I) had got +the greatest bargain ever heard of, that we were the luckiest couple on +earth, that the old Schmittheimer place was just exactly what we +wanted, that the property would enhance double in value in less than a +year, etc., etc., etc. Oh, it is good to have such neighbors as ours +are! +</P> + +<P> +The Denslows were quite as glad as the others were to hear of our +bargain. Mrs. Denslow (bless her kind heart) began at once to picture +the veritable paradise into which it were possible to transform the +front lawn. In the exuberance of her fancy she portrayed winding +gravel walks among rose bushes and beds of gay flowers; rustic bowers +over which honeysuckle and ivy clambered; picturesque miniature Swiss +cottages in the trees for birds to nest in; an artificial lake well +stocked with goldfishes, and upon whose tranquil bosom a swan or two +would glide majestically through the mist of the fountain that +perennially would shower down its tinkling grace. +</P> + +<P> +It was very pleasing to hear Mrs. Denslow and Alice talk about these +things with that enthusiasm peculiar to their sex. Until "our house" +became a probability I did not really know with what rapidity it were +possible for women-folk to discuss and to decide even the most +insignificant details of the subject matter of their enthusiasm. As I +recall, in less than fifteen minutes' time after Alice had confided our +secret to Mrs. Denslow those two amiable and superior women had it +definitely settled what the color of the window shades was to be and +just how many brass-headed tacks would be required to fasten down the +new Japanese rug with which it was proposed to adorn the hardwood floor +of the library in the first story of "the addition" which had already +been determined upon. But Mrs. Denslow was no more prolific of lovely +suggestions than was Alice's widowed sister Adah, who has made her home +with us for the last two years. Adah's one o'ermastering ambition in +life has been to build a house. In the autumn of 1881 she saw in a +copy of "The National Architect" the picture and plans of a villa owned +by a plutocrat at Narragansett Pier. She preserved this paper as +sacredly as if it were one of the family archives, and upon the +slightest pretext she brought it forth and exhibited it and dilated in +extenso upon the surpassing advantages and beauties of the plutocratic +villa. +</P> + +<P> +When Adah learned that Alice and I had actually bought a place at last +she fairly wept for joy, and she excitedly produced her creased and +worn copy of "The National Architect" and besought us to remodel the +old Schmittheimer "rookery"—that is what she dared to call it—into a +villa! And when she was made to understand by means of numerous long +and earnest representations that a villa could not even be dreamed of +by poor folk, Adah was prepared to compromise the affair upon a basis +involving our promise to build a colonial house like Maria's house in +St. Jo. +</P> + +<P> +This Maria, whose name is forever upon Adah's tongue, had been Adah's +schoolmate back in St. Joseph, Missouri. Their friendship extended +through the blissful years of their early wedded life. And at the +present time they are as dear to each other as of yore. Adah +presupposes that everybody else knows who Maria is, and so everybody is +regaled perennially with Adah's loyal tributes to Maria's transcendent +virtues. Occasionally Alice (who is without doubt the sweetest-natured +creature in all the world) rebels against the example of Maria which +Adah continually holds forth. +</P> + +<P> +I have an instance just at hand. It could not have been more than half +an hour ago that I heard Adah say: "Alice, do you know I 've been +thinking about it all the morning, and I don't see how you 're going to +get along without a closet in that little east room up-stairs." +</P> + +<P> +"But," said Alice, "there seems to be no way of putting a closet into +that room." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, I think I 've hit on a plan," said Adah, and she produced a Mme. +Demorest pattern of a sleeve, upon which, with infinite pains, she had +traced certain lines with the wreck of a pencil which little Josephine +had tried to sharpen with the scissors. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, I see," said Alice, amiably; "but that would cut in upon the +hall." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, Maria had to do the same thing when she made her house over," +said Adah, "and you 've no idea how nice it is." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't care <I>what</I> Maria did," said Alice, bridling up. "This is +<I>my</I> house, and I 'm not going to spoil a good hall by building any +skimpy little closets! That room will do for Erasmus, and he does n't +need any closet. So that is settled, once and forever!" +</P> + +<P> +I heard all this, myself, from the next room. I did not interfere at +all, for I make it a rule never to interpose in other people's +disagreements. I will admit, however, that it rather wounded me to +hear Alice call it "<I>my</I> house" instead of <I>our</I> house. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap04"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +IV +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +THE FIRST PAYMENT +</H3> + +<P> +As for Mr. Denslow, he agreed with other friends and neighbors that in +our new old house we had secured a genuine bargain. But, as I have +already indicated, Mr. Denslow was no day-dreamer; he had a way of +viewing things that was severe in its practicality. +</P> + +<P> +Now, I am in no sense a business man; you may already have suspected +this truth. I am very far from being a fool, as those who have read my +numerous treatises (particularly my "Essay to Prove the Probability of +the Existence of an Atmosphere on the Other Side of the Moon") will +testify; but, having had little to do with the operations and methods +of trade and commerce, I am not (I admit it freely) an expert in what +in this great, bustling city of Chicago are termed affairs of the world. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Denslow, upon the other hand, is keenly in touch with these +affairs; brought hourly during the day into contact and competition +with scheming—and not always scrupulous—men, he has acquired an +extensive knowledge of human nature of the rapacious type, and this +knowledge has made him wary, alert, prudent, and reserved. It is +perhaps this wide difference in our natures and our pursuits that has +attracted Mr. Denslow and me to each other; at any rate our friendship +has been profitable to both. Mr. Denslow's counsel upon several +important occasions has been of vast value to me, and I flatter myself +that upon one occasion at least I served Mr. Denslow to excellent +purpose. This was two years ago, when, as perhaps you remember, my +sun-spot theory was widely discussed by the newspaper press. I then +told Mr. Denslow that the recurrence of the sun spots would surely +induce a drought upon this planet, thereby causing a shortage in the +crops; whereupon Mr. Denslow "cornered the wheat market" (as the saying +is) and realized a handsome sum of money. +</P> + +<P> +Alice has long recognized Mr. Denslow's merits as a man of business; +she, too, has what, in lieu of a better term, our New England people +call faculty. So it was natural that after having drunk deep (so to +speak) at the fountain of Mrs. Denslow's enthusiasm, we should turn for +serious advice and practical counsel to <I>Mr.</I> Denslow. +</P> + +<P> +"This opportunity," said Mr. Denslow, "is one that comes only once in a +lifetime. You must not let it escape you. We should go at once to +Mrs. Schmittheimer and get her to sign an agreement to part with the +property upon the terms specified. In order to bind the agreement we +should pay her a small sum of money—oh, say one hundred dollars. The +receipt, in the form of an agreement or contract signed by her, will +bind the bargain in the contemplation of the law." +</P> + +<P> +"But it is after dark already," said Alice. "Wouldn't it seem rather +burglarious to make a descent upon the old lady at this hour?" +</P> + +<P> +"And what is more to the point," said I, "the detail (trifling as it +may appear) of planking down one hundred dollars is one which I happen +just at this moment to be unprepared to provide for." +</P> + +<P> +"The matter should be closed at once," said Mr. Denslow. "In a deal of +this kind delay is too often disastrous. As for the one hundred +dollars, I will lend you that amount, for a small cash payment is +really necessary to bind the bargain." +</P> + +<P> +My heart went out in gratitude to this noble gentleman. Never before +had I felt more keenly the value of neighborly friendship. +</P> + +<P> +"As this business is to be transacted in Mrs. Baker's name," said Mr. +Denslow to me, "it would be better for you not to go with us to see +Mrs. Schmittheimer. The presence of too many strangers might make the +old lady shy of doing what we want her to do. See?" +</P> + +<P> +Yes, I comprehended the intent of the suggestion, and I approved it. +While it was far from my desire to take any advantage of the Widow +Schmittheimer or of anybody else, I recognized the propriety of +conserving our own interests to the extent of suffering no rights of +our own to be either lost or jeoparded. So while Mr. Denslow and Alice +went upon their business mission I remained with Mrs. Denslow and her +interesting children and elucidated my theory of the ice-caps of the +planet Mars. In less than an hour Mr. Denslow and Alice returned and +exhibited with delight a receipt signed by Katherine Elizabeth +Schmittheimer, which receipt, I was glad to see, was practically a +contract to sell the property upon the terms specified in her original +talk with Alice. +</P> + +<P> +"The terms are certainly exceptionally advantageous!" said Mr. Denslow. +"It will take some time—perhaps a week or ten days—to investigate the +title; when this detail is satisfactorily disposed of you can pay down +your one thousand dollars and take possession of the premises." +</P> + +<P> +Pay down one thousand dollars? Ah, I had quite forgotten about that. +In my enthusiasm over the prospect of a home of our own, and in the +delirium induced by the delightful chatter about the paradise into +which that front lawn and that old rookery (as Adah called it) were to +be transformed, I had suffered all thought of the essential and +inevitable first payment of one thousand dollars to slip quite out of +my mind. Now this awful consideration, from which there could be no +escape, took complete and exclusive possession of me. Where in the +wide, wide world was I to get the one thousand dollars? +</P> + +<P> +This was the question I put to Alice on the way home from the Denslows' +that memorable evening. Alice knew as well as I did that my salary was +sufficient only to cover the current expenses of the family. She knew +as well as I did that the royalties from my books the last year were as +follows: +</P> + +<PRE STYLE="font-family: Courier New; font-size: 10pt"> +"The Star Gamma in Leo and Its Satellite" . . . . . $1.60 +"Mars and Its Ice-Caps" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75 +"Probable Depth of the Bottle-Neck Seas as + Indicated by the Spectroscope" . . . . . . . . . .30 +"Logarithms for the Nursery" . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.15 +"Alphabetical Catalogue of Binary Stars" . . . . . . .65 + ----- + Total $4.45 +</PRE> + +<BR> + +<P> +Alice knew, too, as well as I did, that the whole amount of money I +received from my lectures before the West Side Society for the +Diffusion of Knowledge did not exceed seventy dollars last year. She +knew all these things, and I told her so, and then I asked her where or +how she fancied we were going to raise the one thousand dollars for the +first payment on "our house." To my surprise, Alice was prepared—or +at least she seemed to be prepared for this question. +</P> + +<P> +"Reuben," said she, "I remember having heard Mr. Black say one day +during his visit to us last summer that we ought to have a home, and +that if we ever decided to buy one he would try his best to help us." +</P> + +<P> +Now that Alice spoke of it I, too, recalled that friendly remark of Mr. +Black's. A man who is drowning will catch at a straw. A man who has +bought a house with nothing to pay for it is also predisposed to +clutch. Our old friend Mr. Black now loomed up as my only sure +salvation. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Black is upward of seventy years of age. He and my father went to +school together in Maine, and subsequently they lived near each other +in Cincinnati. Mr. Black had been a merchant; he had retired from +business rich. After my father's death, while I was still a boy, this +kind old friend was good to me, taking an interest in my work and my +welfare. He had no children of his own, and, if he did not regard me +almost as a son, I certainly grew to regard him almost as a father. +Mr. Black knew the value of money and respected it. He gave freely, +but only where he was assured it was deserved and would do actual good. +A prudent, careful, economical man himself, he encouraged prudence and +thrift in others. He never quite condoned what he regarded as +extravagance upon my part in buying my fifty pieces of mediaeval armor, +although it is to his munificence that I am indebted for the six-foot +telescope with which I am wont to scan the face of the heavens. +</P> + +<P> +The upshot of talks with Alice and Adah and the Denslows—to say +nothing of other neighbors with whom I confidentially consulted—the +upshot of these talks was that I determined to go to Cincinnati to +confer with Mr. Black upon the propriety of his advancing to me the +money wherewith Alice should make the first payment upon her—I mean +our house. To make short of a long story (for if there is one thing +that I despise above all others it is prolixity), I went to Cincinnati +and unfolded my business to my aged friend. Mr. Black appeared to be +in no indecent haste to satiate my craving. He is not, and never was, +a man of exuberant enthusiasms. I was rather pained when, upon +learning of the unparalleled bargain we had secured in the +Schmittheimer place, he did not go into raptures as did Mrs. Denslow, +and Mrs. Baylor, and Mrs. Tiltman and the rest of our neighbors at +home. So far from being carried away by any whirlwind of enthusiasm, +Mr. Black maintained a placidity of demeanor amounting to stoicism; he +plied me with questions about "titles," and "abstracts," and +"indentures," and "mortgages," and "liens," and "incumbrances," and +other things that I actually knew no more about than the veriest +Bushman knows about the theory of Nebulae. +</P> + +<P> +To add to my embarrassment he solicited explicit information about the +Schmittheimer place, in what subdivision it was located, and in what +township. Had I been a veritable human encyclopaedia I could hardly +have satisfied that man's greed for information touching that +particular spot. What knew I of tracts, of townships, of quarter +sections or of subdivisions? Were I filled with a knowledge of these +humdrum commonplaces, should I know aught of that enthusiasm which +thrills the being who, after many and long years of weary hoping and +waiting, sees the object of his desires just within his grasp? Should +Moses just in sight of the promised land be expected to give the +dimensions of that delectable spot, and to locate it and bound it and +map it off with the accuracy of a Rand & McNally township guide? +</P> + +<P> +I suppose that this conservatism is natural with some people—this lack +of fervor, this absence of enthusiasm. Still I will admit Mr. Black's +tranquillity—nay, his glacial composure—under the circumstances +surprised and grieved me. I did not understand why the prospect and +the promise of "our house" did not set Mr. Black—and, for that matter, +all the rest of humanity—into the selfsame transports of delight which +I experienced. Mind you, now, I am not complaining of nor am I finding +fault with Mr. Black. I am simply chronicling happenings and +observations. Mr. Black is a benevolent and beneficent man. He said +to me at last: "Well, you can tell Alice that I will send her a draft +for the money she needs, and within a fortnight I shall run up to take +a look at your purchase." +</P> + +<P> +I was in Cincinnati three days. I should have been there but two. A +curious happening detained me. As I was going to the railway station +from Mr. Black's house the evening of the second day I saw a man with a +reflector telescope selling views of the moon at five cents apiece. +The night was so auspicious for this diversion that I could not resist +the temptation. Thus seduced, the time sped so quickly and the +intoxication of the enjoyment was so complete that two hours slipped +away before I awakened to a realization of my folly, which cost me +somewhat over a dollar and a half, and compelled me to postpone my +departure for home to the next day. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap05"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +V +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +WE NEGOTIATE A MORTGAGE +</H3> + +<P> +Alice and I supposed that as soon as we made that first payment upon +the old Schmittheimer place we should take possession of it. We had +hastened negotiations because naturally enough we were anxious to share +the delights of the Eden which was to be ours. It transpired all too +early in the proceedings, however, that the processes of the law are +exceedingly exacting and provokingly tedious. With the one thousand +dollars which Mr. Black gave us we fancied that we should be able to +say to the widow Schmittheimer: "Here is your money; now let us move +in." +</P> + +<P> +It seems that the business is not done in that business-like way. As +soon as the widow Schmittheimer contracted to part with her property at +a stated price and upon stated terms she awoke to a realization of the +fact that she ought to have the coöperation and counsel of a +lawyer—although for the life of me I cannot see what there was left +for a lawyer to do. With a magnanimity and generosity which bespoke +the largeness of his nature, Mr. Denslow volunteered his services as +counsellor to the wary widow, and I confess that I should have +interposed no objection to having this versatile friend serve in this +capacity. But the widow chose to decline the gratuitous services of +Mr. Denslow, and to pay fifty dollars for the professional advice of a +certain Lawyer Meisterbaum, not a bad fellow, but one of those carping, +superficial people who pretend to a conscientiousness and a prudence +and a zeal which they actually do not possess. +</P> + +<P> +After repeated meetings and the most annoying delays, Alice plainly +told this Lawyer Meisterbaum that he had more than earned his fee by +his puerile interferences with a prompt and amicable adjustment of the +affair. Alice and Mr. Denslow and I agreed that, if we had been left +to ourselves, we could have settled the business with the widow +Schmittheimer in half a day. However, I suppose that the lawyers must +have a chance to make a living, and I can readily understand how a +really conscientious lawyer might have the lingering remnant or +suggestion of a desire to impress his client with the suspicion that he +was earning his fee. +</P> + +<P> +For fully a fortnight after my return from Cincinnati we were harassed +by the delays of the law, or, more exactly speaking, by the +exasperating crochets of the lawyer. Meanwhile there came letters of +anxious inquiry from our munificent friend Mr. Black, for that +estimable person, being aware of my predilection for ancient armor and +other curios, found it difficult to disabuse his mind of the suspicion +that his one thousand dollars might have been diverted from its +original purpose, and misappropriated to what he esteemed the uses of +folly. So it was with a feeling of great relief that finally I +apprised our generous friend by telegraph that the transaction had been +closed. +</P> + +<P> +This end had not been reached, however, until Alice had put her +signature and her seal to a curiously-phrased document which served (as +I was told) as security to the widow Schmittheimer in case of "default +in payment of interest or principal." This instrument is called, as I +remember, a deed of trust, which seems to be another and a more polite +name for a mortgage. +</P> + +<P> +I protested against Alice's putting her signature to this document, +which I still recognize as a covert foe to our happiness and +prosperity. But Mr. Denslow assured us that the proceeding was wholly +proper and businesslike, and Alice paid no heed to my expostulations. +Never before had I had any experience in matters or with instruments of +this kind, and I will admit that I have not even now any idea of what +the purport of the document in question is, further than a distinct +intuition that its involved syntax and complex and cloudy phraseology +bode no good. +</P> + +<P> +As soon as the transaction was closed the widow Schmittheimer burst +into tears and loudly bewailed having parted with her home. I then +learned that for the last ten days she had been almost constantly +besieged by old friends of hers—the same who had been wont to consume +her coffee and her kuchen and who now regaled her (in compensation, as +it were, for her past hospitality) with reproachful assurances that she +had been virtually swindled out of her beautiful property. The grief +of this lonely and amiable woman touched me to the core, and I sought +to assuage her melancholy by telling her that we should expect her to +visit us, to which she replied amid tears and seeming gratitude that +she would be sure to call every September and March, these being the +months (as I afterward learned) in which the semi-annual interest, so +called, fell due. +</P> + +<P> +As you may suppose, while Alice and I, under the direction of Mr. +Denslow, were worrying ourselves nearly to death over the miserable +details of "closing" this transaction, our neighbors and Adah (Alice's +sister) busied themselves with planning improvements in and for our new +home. It was during this period that Adah met with one of those +sorrows which benumb the sensitive feminine heart. In a moment of +vandalism ever to be deprecated, little Erasmus discovered and took +possession of that copy of "The National Architect" which contained the +picture of the plutocratic villa at Narragansett Pier. This precious +relic was put by the heedless boy to the base use of serving as a tail +to a kite, and during one of the high winds the kite blew away, and +there was an end to Adah's most precious possession! Thus perished the +link that united Adah to the sweetest dream of her maturer years. +</P> + +<P> +However, this mishap did not wholly abate Adah's interest in our +affairs. In answer to Adah's solicitation a long letter had come from +Maria, bearing the blissful promise that a carefully made plan of +Maria's house of St. Joe (drawn by Maria herself upon a fly leaf +excerpted from Maria's favorite volume, "The Life of Mary Lyon") would +soon be forwarded for our enlightenment and delectation. Maria felt +kindly toward us, and her sympathies had been awakened to their very +depths by a tender souvenir Adah had sent her—a leaf plucked from one +of the lilac bushes on the old Schmittheimer place. Both Adah and +Maria belong to that old-school class of proper feminine folk who never +pick but always pluck flowers. +</P> + +<P> +Well, Adah and the neighbors kept as busy as a bee in a bottle planning +changes that they deemed necessary in our house. When we got through +with that dilly-dallying, shilly-shallying Lawyer Meisterbaum, Alice +and I found out that Adah and the neighbors had left little for us to +do except to approve their plans and pay for the execution thereof. +</P> + +<P> +There had been a kind of tacit understanding all along that such +changes as we made in the Schmittheimer house should be superintended +by an architect-carpenter who was cordially recommended by Mrs. +Denslow. This important person's name was Silas Plum, and he had a +shop in Osgood Avenue, opposite one of our most fashionable and most +prosperous cemeteries. Mrs. Denslow always called him Uncle Si, and +this circumstance rather prejudiced me in favor of him. The facts, +too, that Uncle Si was not overcrowded with business, that he was +considerate in his charges, and that he was of so great versatility +that he could boss the plumbing as well as the carpentering—these +facts confirmed us in the opinion that Uncle Si was just the man for +our needs. +</P> + +<P> +I went with Mrs. Denslow to call upon this gifted and honest son of +toil. His modest place of business was indicated to the passer-by by +this insinuating sign: +</P> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +SILAS PLUM, CARPENTER & BUILDER.<BR> +COFFIN BOXES A SPECIALITY.<BR> +</H3> + +<BR> + +<P> +I am not a superstitious person. I think I have already told you so. +Still I have instincts and intuitions; and you, who are not wholly dead +to the subtle influences of the more delicate sentiments, will probably +sympathize with me when I admit that Mr. Plum's sign did not inspire me +with that enthusiasm which is at least comforting to the possessor. +The reference to Mr. Plum's "speciality" was what cast a temporary +gloom over me, but Mrs. Denslow was not one of those who suffer a +detail so insignificant as this to stand in her way; so I was bounced +into Uncle Si's shop and presented to Uncle Si in propria persona. +</P> + +<P> +Uncle Si impressed me as being a very trustworthy man. He looked not +unlike myself; his gaunt, sinewy frame betokened severe practicability, +and his calm blue eyes and large straight mouth combined to give his +face an unmistakable and convincing expression of candor. Of speech he +was monosyllabic, and this peculiarity pleased me, for I have always +admired and always cultivated directness and terseness, there being +nothing else more distasteful to me than the prolixity, diffuseness, +pleonasm, amplification, redundance, and copia verborum of some people. +I told Uncle Si all about the new purchase we had made, and I drew upon +a pine board a fairly correct plan of the Schmittheimer house as it now +stood. I gave him to understand that numerous and important changes +were required, and that I desired to secure from him an estimate as to +the cost of those changes. +</P> + +<P> +"I can't tell how much it will be till I know what you want," said +Uncle Si. +</P> + +<P> +I recognized the justness of this remark, yet at the same time I felt +bitter toward Uncle Si for not knowing without being told. To tell the +truth, <I>I</I> didn't know. I had heard Alice and Adah talking in a +general way about "closets" and a "new hall," and "hardwood floors" +and—and—and things of that kind; I remembered having heard some +discussion of a prospective "addition," and—yes—I now recalled that +the front porch would have to be rebuilt. Hoping to conceal my utter +ignorance, I told Uncle Si that we wanted "lots of changes," but this +would not satisfy the exasperating man; he insisted upon particulars, +upon "specifications," as he termed them. +</P> + +<P> +Of course I was unable to give them; so was Mrs. Denslow. The only +really distinct idea Mrs. Denslow had of the transformation +contemplated by Alice was one concerning the front lawn, and involving +gravel walks between flower beds and under umbrageous trees; exotics +perennially in bloom; Swiss tree boxes, from which the lark carolled by +day and the nightingale warbled at night; an artificial lake, in which +goldfishes swam and upon whose translucent bosom majestic swans glided +gracefully—I assure you that Mrs. Denslow has the soul of a poet! +</P> + +<P> +But these delightful fancies did not interest Uncle Si, because they +did not concern him or his trade. So we compromised the matter by +appointing an hour that evening for Uncle Si to call and talk it all +over with Alice. This was, seemingly, the only way out of the dilemma. +All I knew was what I didn't want, or, rather, what <I>we</I> didn't want. +Our many and long and earnest conversations with the neighbors had +determined numerous important points. We didn't want a roof like the +Baylors' roof; nor water-pipes like the Rushes'; nor backstairs like +the Tiltmans'; nor plastering like the Denslows'; nor dormer-windows +like the Carters'; nor a kitchen sink like the Plunkers'; nor smoky +chimneys like the Bollingers'; nor a skimpy little conservatory like +the Mayhews'—in fact, there were so many things we <I>didn't</I> want that +it seemed to me that if Uncle Si had been moderately ingenious or had +given his imagination full rein, he might have guessed what we <I>did</I> +want, and so have gone ahead without fear of incurring our displeasure. +</P> + +<P> +It was perhaps better, however, that, before undertaking his task, +Uncle Si should require some hint or intimation of what would be +expected of him. I am the last man in the world to discourage what is +ordinarily regarded and accepted as reasonable precaution against +embarrassment and adversity. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap06"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +VI +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +I AM BESOUGHT TO BUY THINGS +</H3> + +<P> +Alice had her talk with Uncle Si and issued therefrom with the +conviction that Uncle Si was a paragon of integrity and carpentering +skill. As for Uncle Si, he must have gathered together a pretty fair +general idea of what Alice wanted, for he promised to return the next +day with plans and details and with an estimate of what the +contemplated improvements would cost. +</P> + +<P> +Meanwhile another complication had arisen. The people to whom the +widow Schmittheimer had rented the lower part of the house declined to +vacate the premises unless we paid them a bonus of fifteen dollars. +Alice indignantly protested that we had no fifteen dollars to throw +away, and I recognized the truth of this proposition. Still, a visit +to the recalcitrant tenants convinced me that they were poor folk and +could ill afford to bear the expense of moving. Another circumstance +that made me feel rather kindly toward these people was that their name +was Mitchell, and, although they made no such claim, it pleased me to +fancy that they were of kin to that distinguished family which has +contributed so largely to the glory of native astronomical research. +</P> + +<P> +Actuated, therefore, by the most honorable impulses, I gave these +people fifteen dollars which I borrowed for that purpose from my most +estimable neighbor, Mrs. Tiltman, upon the understanding that I should +pay it back when I heard from "The Sidereal Torch," to which +publication I had sent a carefully prepared essay on Encke's comet. In +this wise a matter which might have caused us much delay and vexation +was quickly and amicably disposed of. I did not tell Alice of what I +had done, for although Alice is (as I have already assured you) the +most amiable of her sex, she cannot brook what she regards as an +imposition, and this inclination to resent seeming overbearance in +others has not unfrequently put us to expense and involved us in +embarrassment. +</P> + +<P> +Another episode which is still fresh in my memory I cannot forbear +relating. Alice came to me one day not long ago—it was perhaps three +weeks since—and insisted that I should attend to having the correct +name of the avenue in which we were to live put upon the lamp-posts at +the corners of that avenue. I could not guess what Alice meant until +she informed me that, although the name of that thoroughfare had by +ordinance of the City Council been changed from Mush Street to +Clarendon Avenue, the old name of Mush Street had (by a singular +inadvertence) been suffered to remain upon the lamp-posts along that +highway. +</P> + +<P> +"The idea!" cried Alice, indignantly. "Do you suppose I would live +upon Mush Street? Do you suppose I ever would have bought that house +and lot if I had suspected even for a moment that they were not in +Clarendon Avenue? Mush Street is just horrid—everybody else thinks +so, and I know it! I won't have it Mush Street; it's Clarendon Avenue, +and I 'm going to have Clarendon Avenue engraved on my cards! Reuben, +you must see at once that the lamp-posts are changed." +</P> + +<P> +I confess that so far as I myself am concerned it matters not whether +my abiding place be in Mush Street or in Clarendon Avenue so long as I +am comfortably bedded and fed and my family are well provided for. +Names are, at best, arbitrary things. Moreover, I was well aware (and +you will see for yourself if you consult a map of our city) that that +thoroughfare which has been renamed Clarendon Avenue is actually Mush +Street, or, at any rate, a continuation of Mush Street. However, I had +a regard for that sense of feminine pride which made Alice revolt +against Mush Street. I am aware that the conspicuous characteristics +of Mush Street for many miles are goats and fortune-tellers and coal +yards and rumshops and midwiveries; these glaring features are by no +means such as the élite of our society care to affect. Conceding that +my indifference to these idiosyncrasies should not be suffered to stand +in the way of the natural current of Alice's womanly pride, I promised +to do my best toward effecting what Alice required, and I am now +engaged upon a memorial to the Mayor and the Board of Aldermen praying +that the lamp-posts in Clarendon Avenue be purged of that lettering +which suggests the commonplace antecedents of that thoroughfare. +</P> + +<P> +I find that Alice is not alone in her wretchedness. It appears that +our friends Lawyer Miles and Mr. Redleigh and their families are at +present engaged in the momentous task of getting the name of the street +in which they live changed from Cemetery Avenue to Sportland Place. +And our other friends two blocks west of us are greatly agitated just +now because the name of their aristocratic thoroughfare has, by a whim +of the municipal authorities, been changed from Alexander Avenue to +Osgood Street. I have mentioned these facts to Alice, but no sense of +that sympathy which is said to arise from the companionship of misery +seems to reconcile my dear wife to the plebeian association which the +mere mention of Mush Street suggests. +</P> + +<P> +The Sunday morning after we had actually bought the Schmittheimer place +the city newspapers made a record of the event in their "society +column," and added that it was "understood that in their beautiful new +home Prof. and Mrs. Baker would entertain lavishly." I was inclined to +take exception to this item, which I regarded as a vulgar parade of our +private affairs; moreover, the innuendo was wholly untruthful. Alice +and I did not intend to "entertain" at all; we could not afford to +"entertain." What would Mr. Black say if by chance he were to get hold +of a copy of any of those Sunday morning newspapers and read that +mendacious paragraph? He would not only lament the one thousand +dollars which he had just advanced; worse than that, he would forever +shut down on those other acts of similar generosity which, I am free to +say, Alice and I counted among the pleasing probabilities of the near +future. +</P> + +<P> +I repeat that this untruthful notoriety through the medium of the +"society column" displeased me, and I am sure I should have spoken my +mind very freely about it if I had not heard Alice reading the item +with evident gusto to her sister Adah. My amazement was increased when +Alice asked me to secure a dozen extra papers for her, as she wished to +send marked copies to certain fashionable society acquaintances and to +several other relatives in Maine! I can picture the rural astonishment +with which Cousin Jabez Fothergill of Biddeford Pool and the Strattons +of North Moosehead will read of our good fortune. I more than half +suspect that in a moment of triumphant revenge and in a spirit of cruel +malice Alice sent a copy of the paper to Miss Mears at Pocatapaug. +Miss Mears is little to me now, but once I called her Hepsival, and +even after these many years of separation I would fain undo any act of +spite which her successful rival, Alice, might attempt. +</P> + +<P> +The Monday following the publication of this strangely malevolent item +was an unusually busy day with me. I seemed suddenly to have become +the target of every man who had anything to sell. I was waited upon by +fruit-tree venders, lightning-rod agents, fire underwriters, plumbers, +gas-fitters, painters, and an innumerable army of persons having +horses, cows, pigs, chickens, shade trees, patent hitching posts, +smoke-consumers, Pasteur filters, shrubbery, lawn statuary, fancy +poultry, garden utensils, and patent paving to dispose of. I really +cannot realize how I got rid of them all, for a more affable and +persuasive lot of gentlemen I never before had met with. Come to think +of it, I have not got rid of them. They continue to cultivate my +acquaintance and on account of their attentions (polite but persistent) +I have been compelled to lay aside temporarily my investigation into +the character of the atmosphere around Aldebaran, a most delicate work +upon which I am hoping to rear the superstructure of my fame. +</P> + +<P> +I admit that these attentions rather flatter me; it is possible that +after a time—say a year or two—I may weary of the courteous gentleman +who is now seeking to sell me a dozen apple-trees, one-third cash, +balance in ten years. I may, in the lapse of time, become indifferent +to the blandishments of him who daily for the last two months has been +trying to convince me that I cannot reach the summum bonum of human +happiness until I have invested four dollars in Perkins' patent +automatic garden rake and step-ladder combination. The gentleman who +has the smoke-consumer, the gentleman who deals in shrubbery, the +gentleman who advocates lightning rods, and the other gentlemen who +represent the tantamount interests of lawn statuary, fancy poultry, +patent paving, etc., etc., etc.—I may, in the flight of years, become +insensible to their charms, for there is no change that is not rendered +possible by the capricious offices of Time. But at present I can +hardly realize how these people can ever be other than they now +are—near to me, as I know, and dear to me, as I feel. +</P> + +<P> +I did not suspect, before I became a householder, that the mere +possession of property was capable of making a man an object of such +unflagging interest to his fellow creatures. I find it very +pleasing—the solicitude with which these newly-made acquaintances (the +venders, agents, and other polite gentlemen) regard me, and attend upon +me, and seek to gain my approval. It is sweet to be beloved. +</P> + +<P> +In the very height of this enjoyment, however, there are considerations +which serve to cause me feelings of disquietude. My conscience +constantly reproves me for the deception which I am practising upon +these people. It occurred to me several weeks ago that I had no right +to pose as the proprietor of our new house. The new house and its +circumadjacent real estate belong not to me, but to Alice and to her +heirs and assigns forever. I have no proprietary rights in that house +or upon that expansive lawn; If I am there, it is simply as a piece of +furniture, like the stove, or the clock, or the centre-table. I am +simply tolerated, perhaps as an object of ornament, perhaps as an +object of use. This is a humiliating confession; the thought that it +is actually true pains me poignantly. +</P> + +<P> +I never supposed I was a moral coward, but I must be; otherwise I would +weeks ago have called an open-air mass-meeting of the apple-tree +agents, the fire-underwriters, the patent pavers and the others, and +confessed to them that their attentions were misdirected, and that I +was not in fact <I>the</I> fortunate being whose lot they sought to better. +</P> + +<P> +A strangely craven consideration withheld me from this manly course. I +suspected that as soon as I divulged the truth I would be forsaken by +this troupe—this retinue of unctuous courtiers. In my imaginings I +beheld myself deserted and alone, while the vast army of my quondam +attendants and flatterers tagged after and surrounded and fawned upon +Alice, the real purchaser and actual owner of our new place! +</P> + +<P> +I make a candid exposition of these things, not more for the purpose of +relieving my conscience of its long pent-up misery than for the purpose +of disclosing that which may happily serve as a warning to my +fellow-beings. I long ago discovered that one of the compensations of +human folly is the example which that folly affords for the discreet +guidance of others. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap07"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +VII +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +OUR PLANS FOR IMPROVEMENTS +</H3> + +<P> +The result of the numerous conferences between Alice and Uncle Si was +rather surprising to me. It involved the expenditure of somewhat more +than three thousand dollars. However, a letter had been received from +our beneficent friend, Mr. Black, in which that estimable gentleman +expressed the conviction that we ought not to try to live in a house +that did not have the ordinary conveniences of a modern city home, and +that we should add whatever improvements we deemed necessary to our +comfort; these pleasing expressions of opinion were supplemented by the +still more pleasing intimation that Mr. Black would advance us whatever +sum was necessary to the provision of the changes and innovations we +deemed expedient. It was evident that Mr. Black was most kindly +disposed toward us; at the same time our munificent patron took +occasion to caution us against extravagance and to impress upon us a +sense of the necessity of constant and rigorous economy—"especially +and particularly in the direction of those vanities which simply +gratify an individual whim, and are of no practical value whatsoever." +</P> + +<P> +Alice read this last sentence aloud to me several times, for it +expressed exactly her opinion of my fondness for mediaeval armor. I am +making no complaint of the sly satisfaction which Alice seemingly takes +in twitting me with my weakness. I expect to have a glorious revenge +by and by when we move into our new house, and when Alice discovers how +very appropriate and ornamental my mediaeval armor will be, set up +against the walls and in the corners of the front hall. +</P> + +<P> +Fortified by the letter from Mr. Black, we had little difficulty in +planning the most charming improvements. I make use of the plural +personal pronoun, although if I were testifying upon oath I should feel +compelled to admit that I myself had precious little to do with the +planning. It grieved me considerably to observe that while the +neighbors generally, and Mrs. Denslow particularly, were diligently +consulted as to every detail of the new house, an expression of my +wishes, views, and advice was not only not solicited, but, when +volunteered, seemed to be regarded as an impertinence. It occurred to +me at such times that prosperity by no means improved Alice's temper, +but I should perhaps have taken into consideration the circumstance +that this particular period was one of exceptional excitement, and that +had the same sense of responsibility which burdened Alice been put upon +me, I, too, should have exhibited an irritability wholly foreign to my +nature under normal conditions and environments. +</P> + +<P> +It was determined to reconstruct certain parts of the old Schmittheimer +residence and to build an addition of two stories, the first-floor room +to be devoted to the purposes of a library or living room, and the room +in the second story to be Alice's bed-chamber. A vast number of +closets were contemplated, for, as you are presumably aware, woman-kind +are passionately fond of closets, and happy, thrice happy, is the +husband who is accorded the inestimable boon of suspending his Sunday +suit from a nail therein. As for myself, I have always regarded the +average closet as an ingenious device of the evil one for the +propagation and encouragement of moths. +</P> + +<P> +Among other contemplated innovations were a butler's pantry and a +conservatory. I approved of the latter, but not of the former. I +foresaw in that butler's pantry a pretext, if not a reason, for the +purchase of china, crockery, and glassware, to be used only when we had +company and to be hidden away at other times until broken by careless +servants. +</P> + +<P> +A conservatory had for years been one of my most pleasing desires. +Although I know little of them, I am fond of flowers, particularly of +those which others care for and which do not breed or abound in +creeping things. But the use to which I was ambitious to put my—or +our—conservatory was that of an aviary. I love all pet birds, and one +of my sweetest day dreams has been that which possessed me of a large +glass room or bower well stocked with canaries, linnets, bullfinches, +robins, wrens, Java sparrows, love birds, and paroquets. I have often +pictured to myself the delight I should experience in entering into +this heaven of song and in caressing these feathered pets, in feeding +them and in teaching them pretty tricks and games. I recall those +pleasant boyhood days when a pet crow, and a flock of pigeons, and two +baby hawks afforded me rapture and solicitude combined. Then followed +an experience with a matronly hen and her brood of chicks. +</P> + +<P> +I am not ashamed to say that I loved these friends of my youth and that +I still reverence their memories. Nor am I ashamed to tell you that +for several years after I reached maturity a particular object of my +affections was a wee canary bird that sang sweet songs to me and played +daintily with my finger whenever I thrust it into the little rascal's +cage. Alice insists that I actually cried when that silly little +creature died; may be I did, for I am a very, very foolish fellow. +</P> + +<P> +One of the things I have never been able to understand is why Alice, +with all her gentleness and tenderness, has so violent an antipathy to +bird and brute pets. Alice actually seems to dislike birds and dogs +with the same zeal with which I love them. At times—you will hardly +believe it—Alice has exhibited Neronian cruelty and hardness of heart. +I remember that on one occasion she caught a harmless, innocent little +blue mouse in the pantry. She fully intended to drown the helpless +creature—as if this world were not big enough for mice and men to live +and be happy in! I had great difficulty in rescuing the tiny rodent +from his captor, and I remember the satisfaction I had in giving him +his liberty under the kitchen porch of neighbor Rush's house next door. +</P> + +<P> +At first Alice was kindly disposed toward the conservatory scheme, but +in an unguarded moment one day I chanced to breathe a suggestion that a +combination conservatory-bird cage would do very nicely, and that +settled the fate of my pleasant dreamings forever. +</P> + +<P> +But I seldom argue these things with Alice. The conservatory is now a +shattered dream, and the butler's pantry is inevitable. The graceful +alcove, which was to have been the conservatory (with aviary features), +is to be provided with a permanent, stationary seat which Adah is to +upholster in a pattern which Maria has promised to send from St. Joe. +Whenever I think of it there rise up before my mind's eye visions of +stolen meetings in that alcove, and whispered interviews, in which I +fancy I see our daughter Fanny figuring as an active participant, and +then I devoutly pray that little Erasmus' vigilance may be increased a +thousand-fold. +</P> + +<P> +I was informed in good time that the library was to be virtually the +living-room for the family. It was here that casual callers were to be +received and entertained; here the errand boys who delivered packages +from the downtown shops were to leave their goods and get their +receipts; here the laundryman was to wait every Monday morning while +Adah gathered up my hebdomadal bundle of linen for the wash; here were +the children to gather for a frolic every evening after the humble +vesper meal. +</P> + +<P> +I am wondering whether Alice and Adah and the neighbors will approve of +my dearly cherished plan to have one of the tall clocks stationed in +one corner, and my very old Suffolk oak table in another corner, and in +still another the curious old sofa which Aunt 'Gusty has promised to +send me from Darien, Georgia. I am painfully aware that Alice and Adah +and the neighbors regard the beautiful furniture in which I delight as +"old trumpery." +</P> + +<P> +When we first looked at the Schmittheimer place Alice exclaimed, upon +being ushered into one of the rooms: "Now this is just the room for +Reuben and his old trumpery!" It is twenty-two feet long and eighteen +feet wide, and there are windows to the north, west, and south. +Curiously enough, the chimney runs up through the middle of this room, +presenting an appearance at once novel and grotesque. Alice assures me +that this will prove a unique and charming feature, for she intends to +put innumerable shelves around the chimney, and place thereon the +interesting and valuable curios, the purchase of which has kept me +involved in financial embarrassment for the last twenty years. +</P> + +<P> +Alice has settled it in her own mind just where in my new room each bit +of my beloved furniture shall be located—the mahogany chest of +drawers, the old secretary, the four-post bedstead, the haircloth +trunk, the oak book-case, the corn-husk rocker, the cuckoo clock, the +Dutch cabinet—yes, each blessed piece has already had its place +assigned to it, even to the old red cricket which Miss Anna Rice sent +me from her Connecticut home twelve years ago. I am indeed the most +fortunate of men; for who but my Alice <I>could</I> be so sweet and +self-abnegatory as to take upon her own dear little shoulders the +burden of responsibilities that elsewise would weigh upon her husband? +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap08"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +VIII +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +THE VANDALS BEGIN THEIR WORK +</H3> + +<P> +At the regular April meeting of the Lake Shore Society of Antiquarians +I met my old and valued friend, Belville Rock, and told him of the +important venture which Alice had made. He seemed greatly pleased at +the prospect of our having a home of our own, and after making careful +inquiries into the extent and character of the improvements we +contemplated he bade me tell Alice that he wanted to pay the bill for +the painting of the exterior of the house. "I desire to do somewhat +toward beautifying your premises," said he, "and I don't know that I +can do better than to paint the house. You understand, of course, that +my long and intimate acquaintance with you and Alice warrants me in +proposing as a friendly act what elsewise might be regarded as an +impertinence." +</P> + +<P> +I hastened to assure Mr. Rock that both Alice and I knew him to be +utterly incapable of any word or deed that could by any means be +misconstrued into an impertinence. We had known this amiable gentleman +for the period of twenty years. It was he who proposed me for +membership of the Lake Shore Society of Antiquarians, and it was he who +provided the means wherewith I published my first book, entitled "A +Critical View of the Causes of Eclamptic and Traumatic Idiocy." +</P> + +<P> +This was at the time in my career when I supposed I had good reason to +believe that all human mental and physical ills are directly traceable +to the influence of the moon, which theory was suggested to me by the +discovery that cabbages thrive when planted in the first quarter of the +moon and invariably pine when planted in the full of the moon. I am +still more or less of a believer in this theory, and it is my purpose +to renew my investigations and experiments in this direction, +particularly so far as cabbages are involved, for I mean to have a +kitchen garden (with Alice's permission) as soon as we move into our +new place in Mush Street—pardon me, I mean Clarendon Avenue. +</P> + +<P> +Belville Rock has always exhibited a friendly interest in me and my +welfare. He is president of a savings bank and is concerned in +numerous mercantile and speculative enterprises. He belongs to many +clubs and social organizations, and is president of the Sons of +Vermont, the Sons of New York, the Sons of Rhode Island, the Sons of +Michigan, and the other Sons who have effected formal organizations in +this city. He is treasurer of most of the current enterprises and he +is recognized as a leader of distinct influence in the several +political parties which control public affairs locally. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Rock commands the happy faculty of divorcing himself wholly from +business during those hours which he has dedicated to sociability. He +declines to discuss monetary matters outside his room at the bank. I +recall how, upon several occasions when I have approached him upon the +delicate subject of negotiating a trifling temporary loan, he has +dismissed the matter by reminding me that he had certain days which he +set apart for business of this character, and that at other times he +devoted himself exclusively to the consideration of other things. +</P> + +<P> +I recall, too, that after persistent inquiry (having, possibly, selfish +ends in view), I learned from Cashier Bolton, who is Mr. Rock's +marble-hearted alter ego, that Mr. Rock's hours for the consideration +of all applications for personal accommodations were from 7.55 to 8 +a.m., every other Thursday. This may strike the average person as a +unique singularity, but I find it easy to understand how a man so +numerously interested in affairs as Mr. Rock is should find it +imperative to regulate his business and social conduct with the most +methodical and most exacting system. +</P> + +<P> +You can depend upon it that I lost no time in apprising Alice and Adah +and our neighbors of Mr. Rock's munificent proposition, and I hardly +need assure you that by all Mr. Rock's generosity was warmly applauded. +The incident gave rise to a new phase in the sequence of events, for +immediately a discussion arose as to the color which we ought to paint +our new house, and this discussion continued with increasing vigor for +several days. Adah was characteristically earnest in her advocacy of a +soft cream yellow, that being the shade adopted by Maria when she +repainted her St. Joe domicile—a soft cream yellow, with the blinds in +a delicate brown, that was Adah's choice as inspired by her memory of +Maria's habitation. The Baylors suggested a poetic grayish tint, which +they insisted would look specially pretty through the foliage of the +fine old trees in the front yard. The Tiltmans preferred a light +brown, and the Rushes a bright yellow. As for Mrs. Denslow, she raised +her voice in favor of "white, with green blinds," for, as she wisely +argued, it was not possible to find a more appropriate combination for +a house that had been a farmhouse and that would retain (even after we +had rehabilitated it) the most salient characteristics of a farmhouse. +</P> + +<P> +Alice and I agreed with Mrs. Denslow (as we generally do), and our +determination was confirmed when we subsequently learned, upon inquiry +of Mr. Krome, the painter, that white paint was as expensive a paint as +could be selected. It was our desire, in our choice of paint, to do +nothing likely to lessen or to detract from the lustre of the +princeliness of Mr. Rock's liberality. Mr. Rock had set no limitations +to his munificence; far be it from us to do that which might be +construed wrongfully as inappreciation of that munificence. It was the +part of friendship to premise that Mr. Rock's intentions were large, +and then it behooved us to see that those intentions were carried out +upon a scale of equal scope. We decided, therefore, that the paint +should be white, and that it should be carriage paint. +</P> + +<P> +Uncle Si had advised us to have plenty of light and air admitted to +"the addition" by means of numerous windows. According to the rude +plan he submitted for Alice's approval, "the addition" when completed +would have looked like a collection of windows of every size and shape. +This was before Mr. Rock offered to paint the house. After Mr. Rock's +proposal was made to and accepted by us it occurred to us that it would +result in a considerable saving to us if we were to limit the number of +windows and devote the space (thus economized) to clapboarding. This +would involve a larger expense upon Mr. Rock's part, but it could not +be denied that Mr. Rock could better afford paying for paint than we +could afford paying for window frames and glass. +</P> + +<P> +I think it likely that I should have called on Mr. Rock to learn his +preference in the matter had the "every other Thursday" been nearer at +hand. But Mr. Krome, the painter, and Uncle Si, the boss carpenter, +required a speedy decision, and so we went ahead without consulting our +munificent friend. Mr. Krome thereupon volunteered to do our painting +by the square yard, instead of by the square foot (as is the customary +proceeding); he admitted, with a candor rarely met with in his +profession, he could as well afford to do our house in white carriage +paint by the square yard as other rival painters could afford to do it +in common white lead by the square foot. I assured Mr. Krome of my +determination to spare no pains to coöperate with him in every honest +and ambitious endeavor at Mr. Rock's expense. +</P> + +<P> +So now, the widow Schmittheimer having vacated the premises, the work +of rehabilitation began in earnest. Men with wheelbarrows and spades +and picks made their appearance and started in to demolish walls and to +excavate sand at a marvelous rate. Presently a cavernous space yawned +where it was proposed to locate the cellar where the steam-heating +apparatus was to stand. The sand taken from this spot was harrowed out +and dumped in a pile over the horse-radish bed in the back yard. +</P> + +<P> +This was the first piece of vandalism I noticed, and I protested +against it. Not long thereafter I discovered that the workmen engaged +at battering down the partitions in the upper part of the house were +piling up the refuse scantling and laths on the currant and gooseberry +bushes in the side yard. I protested again, and so I kept on +protesting, for hardly a day passed that I did not detect the workmen +about that house at some piece of lawlessness jeoparding the cherry +trees, or the lilac bushes, or the tulips, or the roses, or the +peonies, or the asparagus bed. +</P> + +<P> +Cui bono—to what good? With as much effect might the wild man of +Borneo rail at Capella because her silvery, twinkling light is +seventy-one years in reaching this distant planet. +</P> + +<P> +I am unalterably opposed to the wanton destruction of life. Moreover, +it seems to me that the trees, the shrubbery, the vines and the flowers +on the Schmittheimer place have certain rights which the invaders ought +to respect. At any rate, I spent the better part of two days +transplanting a number of the currant and gooseberry bushes, and +although I had a stiff neck and a very lame back for a considerable +time thereafter I felt more than compensated therefor by the conviction +that I had saved the lives of friends who would duly give me practical +proof of their gratitude. +</P> + +<P> +There were certain acts of lawlessness that I could neither prevent nor +repair. One grieved me particularly. The plumber hitched his horse to +a tree in the front yard one morning, and, before the damage he had +done was discovered, the herbivorous beast had eaten up a white lilac +bush and a snowball bush, thus completing a destruction for which there +would seem to be no compensation. Upon another occasion a stray cow +invaded the premises and laid waste the tulip bed and chewed off the +tender buds on the choicest of the rose bushes. +</P> + +<P> +But the most extensive and the most hideous depredations were committed +by human beings under pretext of necessity and of interest in my +behalf. I refer now to those remorseless men who came first and tore +up the beautiful lawn and cut away the roots of trees and digged a +deep, long pit in which to lay sewer pipes; who came again and +committed another similar atrocity under plea of laying a water-pipe; +who came still again and for the third time abused and seared and +seamed and blighted that lawn for the alleged purpose of laying a +gas-pipe! O civilization! what crimes are committed in thy name! +</P> + +<P> +These experiences sobered and saddened me to a degree that was +strangely new to me. At times I felt embittered against all the world. +But as there is no cloud that has not its silver lining, so there were +pleasant little happenings which ever and anon seemed to relieve my +despondency. On one occasion Uncle Si said to me cheerily: "We 're +going to have good luck from this time on." "What do you mean?" I +asked. "Come along with me and see for yourself," said he. +</P> + +<P> +Uncle Si led the way into the house and down into the basement. He +pointed to an old valise that, spread open, lay under the stairs amid +the débris which the masons had left. +</P> + +<P> +"That 's what I mean," said Uncle Si, "and it brings good luck every +time!" +</P> + +<P> +I saw that the old and abandoned valise contained a tabby cat at whose +generous dugs six wee kittens were tugging industriously. The widow +Schmittheimer had left her home and gone elsewhere, but faithful tabby +remained behind, true to that instinct which makes the feline +unalterably loyal to locality. +</P> + +<P> +I never before liked cats; I have always positively disliked them +because they kill birds. Yet, do you know, I actually felt my heart go +out in tenderness to this particular mother tabby and her mewing kits. +It occurred to me, as she lay there, blinking and purring in apparent +amiability and in evident pride, that here at least was a cat that +would not kill birds; if so, I would adopt her, and as for the +kittens—yes, I would adopt them, too. +</P> + +<P> +I made up my mind that I would name the kittens after my most intimate +neighbors; one should be Baylor, another Tiltman, another Rush, a +fourth Denslow, the fifth Browe, and the sixth Roth. I am sorry there +are not two more, for I should like to honor my two munificent patrons, +Mr. Black and Mr. Rock. But there must be a limit to human +possibilities. As for the mother cat herself, there was but one thing +for me to do; I had to name her Alice, of course. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap09"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +IX +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +NEIGHBOR MACLEOD'S THISTLE +</H3> + +<P> +The incident of the tabby cat's appearance with six kittens may have +been a portent either of good or of evil. As you know, I am not a +superstitious person. I smile at those whimsical fancies which figure +so conspicuously in many people's lives, such as the howling of dogs, +the flickering of a candle, the arrangement of the grounds in a cup, +the cracking of a mirror, the sudden stopping of the clock, the crowing +of hens, the chirping of crickets, the hooting of an owl, the fall of a +family portrait, the spilling of salt, a dream of the toothache, etc., +etc., etc. If this particular cat had been black instead of tabby I +should have regarded her advent as a prognostic, for it is conceded by +all scientists that there is a mysteriously subtle virtue in a black +cat. +</P> + +<P> +The fact, however, that she was tabby dispossessed her of all power +either for evil or for good, and I could not help regarding Uncle Si +with pity for the seeming veneration in which he held this harmless and +innocent beast. Still I determined to watch and note events with a +view to confuting the superstition which foresaw good luck in the +presence of this cat and her offspring. +</P> + +<P> +While the work of rehabilitating the old house was at its height I +received a letter from my friend Byron Tinkle of Kansas City, +congratulating me upon having secured so lovely a home after so many +years of patient waiting. "And now," said he, "I am anxious to be +represented by some bit of furniture in your new place. It has +occurred to me that a handsome library table might be acceptable, and +it would certainly delight me to present you with an object which would +serve to remind you of your old schoolmate, whose affection for you has +been abated neither by separation nor by the lapse of time." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Tinkle then went on to say that he had hit upon a very appropriate +design for a library table—a design full of historical and +mythological allusion. Four figures of Atlas supporting the world were +to serve as the legs of this table, and around the sides of the top +were to be carved scenes illustrative of the progress of civilization +since the building of Solomon's temple. Upon the four edges of the top +were to be inlaid mosaic portraits of the most famous scientists, +including Aesculapius, Moses, Galileo, Darwin, Herschel, Mitchell, +Huxley, Harvey, Jenner, etc., and the top itself was to represent a +cunningly devised map of the world, in which my native town of +Biddeford, Maine, was to appear as the central and most conspicuous +figure. +</P> + +<P> +I felt very grateful to my old friend Tinkle for his generosity, but I +said nothing of it to Alice. Recalling the experience with Colonel +Mullaly's yellow lamp, I suspected that if Alice were to hear of this +promised addition to our furniture she would surely change the whole +architectural scheme of our new home in order to adapt it to the new +centre table. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Tinkle's princely offer was but the beginning of a series of +handsome and useful gifts. It seemed as if our friends no sooner heard +of our purchase of a home than they became possessed of a desire to +contribute toward embellishing that home. Another Kansas City friend, +Colonel Gustave Gerton, late of the Bavarian Guards, telegraphed me +that a dozen young apple trees, carefully picked from his Nonpareil +Nursery, awaited my order. The Janowins, who have a prosperous farm in +Kentucky, duly apprised us that when we were ready to stock our place +they would send us a heifer and a litter of pigs. Cousin Jabez +Fothergill forwarded to us all the way from Maine a box which was found +to contain a pint of Hubbard squash seeds, a dozen daffodil sprouts, +and a goodly collection of catnip roots. Offers of dogs came from +numerous quarters—dogs representing the mastiff, bloodhound, +Newfoundland, beagle, setter, pointer, St. Bernard, terrier, bull, +Spitz, dachshund, spaniel, colly, pug, and poodle families. Had we +contemplated a perennial bench show, instead of a quiet home, we could +hardly have been more favored. With a discretion begotten of twenty +years' experience as a husband, I referred all these proffers of canine +gifts to Alice with power to act, and I dimly surmise that +consideration of them has been postponed indefinitely. +</P> + +<P> +As soon as our neighbors realized what horticultural possibilities our +noble expanse of front yard offered they fairly overwhelmed us with +floral and arboreal gifts. During that unusually warm spell we had +about two months ago there was scarcely an hour of the day that a +wheelbarrow or a man servant or both did not arrive bearing lilac +sprouts from the Leets, or Japanese ivy slips from the Sissons, or +peonies from the old Doller homestead, or mignonette from Mrs. Roth, or +dahlias from Mrs. Knox, or marigolds from the Baylors, or pansies from +the Haynes, or tulip bulbs from Mrs. Redd, or something or another from +somebody else. +</P> + +<P> +You can depend upon it that all this kept me wondrously busy. I broke +four trowels and raised a dozen ugly blisters on my right hand in my +attempt to get these tender tokens of friendship transplanted before +they withered. One day Mrs. Baylor and Mrs. Rush took me to a +neighboring greenhouse with them; they wanted to purchase some vines to +train over their front porches. The man at the greenhouse showed me an +innumerable assortment of beautiful rose-bushes, which I bought in the +fond delusion that they would vastly embellish our front lawn. I +recall the pride with which I told Alice and Adah that I guessed I had +purchased enough flowers to fill the whole yard. I recall also the +sense of humiliation I experienced when, after that innumerable +assortment had been set out in the yard, I discovered that there was +not enough of them to make an impression even upon the most susceptible +eye. +</P> + +<P> +I am not yet quite sure whether neighbor Macleod was in earnest or +whether he meant it in fun when he sent us a magnificent thistle, with +the suggestion that we plant it in our lawn. But, out of respect to +neighbor Macleod's patriotism as a loyal son of Caledonia, I did plant +the thistle in amiable compliance with my friend's suggestion. Other +neighbors protested against this, but I imputed their objections to +that natural feeling of jealousy which is too likely to manifest itself +when the interests of other neighbors are involved. The thistle was an +uncommonly large and active one, and I suffered somewhat from its teeth +before I finally got it comfortably located in a patch of succulent +turf under one of our willow-trees. +</P> + +<P> +The unusually warm spell to which I have referred was followed (as you +will doubtless recollect), by a period of bitterly cold weather. With +an anguish which I am utterly incapable of describing, I saw my +marigolds and mignonette and roses and peonies and dahlias and pansies +and other leafy pets wither and droop and shrivel. In less than +forty-eight hours' time they were all apparently as dead as that side +of the moon which is invisible to us. The only flower or shrub in all +that once blooming lawn which remained unshorn of its beauty by the +bitter hyperborean blasts was the Macleod thistle. Proudly it reared +itself amid that desolation, and defiantly it exhibited its fangs to +foe and friend alike. +</P> + +<P> +I cannot tell you how heartily I rejoiced that I had not yielded to the +importunities of the Baylors, the Tiltmans, the Browes, and the +Denslows when, in an ebullition of neighborly jealousy, they sought the +destruction of that sturdy plant. But my delight was of short +duration. One morning before I arrived to pursue my horticultural +avocation a remorseless policeman invaded the premises and pulled up +the bristling emblem of Scotia and cast it into the hard highway under +the pretext that by so doing he was complying with a provision of the +revised statutes. I learned that this policeman is a Swede, and I can +justify his conduct only upon the hypothesis of heredity, although it +is hard to conceive that the malignant feeling which existed centuries +ago among the Norsemen who were wont to harry the Scottish coast should +exhibit itself at this remote period in the demeanor of a naturalized +Swede who presumably does not know the difference between a viking and +a meteorite. +</P> + +<P> +If I had been of a sarcastic or of a bitter nature, I might have +imputed this curious train of mishaps to the malign influence of that +maternal tabby cat which Uncle Si had hailed as a harbinger of good +luck. As it was, I could not resist giving play to my desire for +retaliation when Uncle Si confided to me one morning that some +unscrupulous person or persons had invaded the premises the night +before and had carried off about six thousand feet of choice lumber. I +was disposed to be very wroth at first, but when I gathered from Uncle +Si's remarks that the loss would fall upon him and not upon me my anger +was assuaged to a degree that admitted of my suggesting to Uncle Si +that perhaps this incident might be reckoned as a part of that "good +luck" which the advent of the tabby cat and her kits had prognosticated. +</P> + +<P> +Having unbosomed myself of this perhaps too savage thrust, I gave Uncle +Si a cigar and in my most cordial tones bade him "never mind and be of +good cheer." I make it a practice never to say or do that which is +likely to occasion pain or humiliation without accompanying the word or +the deed with somewhat that shall serve as an antidote thereunto. For +I bear ill will to none, and it is constantly my endeavor to make life +pleasant and dear not only to myself but also to my fellow beings. +</P> + +<P> +My consideration for Uncle Si's feelings was almost immediately +rewarded, for as I left Uncle Si smoking his cigar in a comforted mood +I beheld my neighbor, Colonel Bobbett Doller, coming up the driveway +and beckoning to me. If you know the colonel as I do, you know him to +be a gentleman of wealth, of position, and of influence. Moreover, +Colonel Doller is a man of large sympathies. He had heard of our +recent acquisition and had come to congratulate me. We shook hands +warmly. +</P> + +<P> +"You have here," said Colonel Doller, cordially, "a magnificent +property, and I heartily rejoice to learn that you acquired it at a +merely nominal price. Has it occurred to you, my dear sir, that this +tract, with its majestic sweep of lawn and its picturesque glory of +shade trees, presents tremendous possibilities—in fact, secures to you +the opportunity of comprehending riches beyond the dreams of avarice? +Let us be seated upon this pile of bricks while I unfold to you a +panorama of potentialities." +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap10"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +X +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +COLONEL DOLLER'S GREAT IDEA +</H3> + +<P> +Colonel Bobbett Doller and I sat down, side by side, on the pile of +bricks, and the colonel proceeded straightway to disclose pleasing +visions to my mind's eye. +</P> + +<P> +"You are doubtless aware," said the colonel, "that you are not, in the +severest acceptation of the term, a business man?" +</P> + +<P> +"Alas," said I, "I am compelled in all candor to admit that lamentable +fact." +</P> + +<P> +"Then," continued the colonel, "you probably do not know that this +noble expanse of high ground upon which your stately residence is +reared is the exact centre of a radius of eighty miles. In other +words, did the power of your vision extend eighty miles you would be +able to see for yourself from the roof of your superb house that this +point is in fact the centre of a radius representing a stretch in any +and every direction of eighty miles." +</P> + +<P> +"No, I had never supposed it possible," said I. +</P> + +<P> +"It is, nevertheless, a demonstrable fact," said Colonel Doller. "It +is more notorious, however, that this property of yours (designated in +the records as the south half of lot 16, Terhune's addition, section 9, +township of Pond View)"—— +</P> + +<P> +"Page 273, volume 105," said I, interrupting him; for I suddenly +recalled the superscription on the warranty deed. +</P> + +<P> +"Exactly," said Colonel Doller, with a genial smile. "Now, as I was +about to remark, it is notorious that this property of yours is situate +in the very heart of the delectable tract known to the world as the +North Shore. I do not exaggerate when I say, in the language of my +popular brochure entitled, 'Homes for the Homeless,' that the North +Shore offers inducements, both for the living and for the dead, which +are not met with in any other part of our growing community. +Recognizing the merit of these inducements, immigration has turned its +tide toward the North Shore. Ten years ago there was naught but +desolation where now the dandelion blooms and the voice of the +tree-toad is heard in song. What do we see about us to-day? To the +north of us the roof of Martin Howard's new barn glistens under the +smiling noonday sun. Turning our gaze westward we behold the turrets +of the palatial residence which neighbor Bales has erected in Razzle +Street. Yonder in the southeast horizon we detect the tall, lithe +flagpole which Major Ryson has set up as a graceful tribute to the +memory of the late lamented yacht club. Cast your eyes where you will +and you will see convincing evidences of the onward, irresistible march +of civilization. +</P> + +<P> +"This noble property of yours," continued Colonel Doller, "is the very +heart of all this pulsing, throbbing, bustling, teeming civilization. +Why, my dear Baker, I would not exchange (if I were you) the +opportunities now within your grasp for any other conceivable +thing—not even though millions were placed in the opposing scale!" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't believe I understand you," said I. +</P> + +<P> +"I will be more explicit," said Colonel Doller. "The tide of +immigration has already overwhelmed this section; a great commercial +wave is closely following it. Trade will soon locate its emporiums in +the midst of us. Already two blocks to the south of this property a +commercial mart has begun to invite the attention and the patronage of +our public." +</P> + +<P> +"You refer to Pusheck's grocery store?" +</P> + +<P> +"The same," said Colonel Doller. "Presently a barber-shop and a banana +stand will follow; then a bicycle repair-shop will spring up in our +midst, and from that moment our status as a commercial centre will be +assured." +</P> + +<P> +As I was in no sense a business man I could not deny this. To be frank +with you, it all looked very plausible to me. +</P> + +<P> +"There is nothing else," continued Colonel Doller, "more practicable or +of greater value than foreseeing events and being prepared for them. +Now, here you are in the very midst of this flood of immigration, and +with the tidal wave of commerce at your very door. Is your property in +a position to avail you handsomely in case you accede to the demands of +reason and conclude to yield to the persuasions of immigration and +commerce? The consideration which should be paramount with you is +this: 'Having secured this property, how can I get rid of it to the +best advantage?'" +</P> + +<P> +"But it is n't for sale," said I. +</P> + +<P> +"True, quite true," answered Colonel Doller, with a weary, patient +smile, "but it will be. What is North Shore property for if not for +sale? You certainly do not intend to violate all the customs and +traditions of the community by holding out against an opportunity to +benefit yourself? That, my dear Baker, would be folly." +</P> + +<P> +"But nobody has asked us to sell," said I, apologetically. +</P> + +<P> +"That is because your property is not in desirable shape," said the +colonel. "If it were, you would have chances to enrich yourself in +less than a month. You see your lot fronts one hundred feet on +Clarendon Avenue, and runs back two hundred and thirty-nine feet to a +prospective alley; this gives you one hundred feet of salable property, +but with a depth that actually involves a wicked waste of land. Now +suppose you were to buy the twenty-five feet that lies to the south on +Clarendon Avenue just between your lot and Sandpile Terrace. That +would give you a frontage of two hundred and thirty-nine feet on the +terrace, with a depth altogether of one hundred and twenty-five feet! +Do you follow me?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, I see," said I, as this good and shrewd man's meaning gradually +stole upon me. +</P> + +<P> +"With that additional twenty-five feet," resumed Colonel Doller, "you +could divide up the whole property into what you might call (if you +chose) Baker's Subdivision: then you could parcel it off into +twenty-foot lots with frontage on Sandpile Terrace—and there you are, +a rich man almost before you know it." +</P> + +<P> +"Gracious me! That <I>is</I> a great idea!" said I, and I whistled softly +to myself. +</P> + +<P> +"Great? Well, I should say so!" exclaimed Colonel Doller. "I knew it +would appeal to you, for you are a man of intelligence and capable of +foreseeing and appreciating potentialities." +</P> + +<P> +"Who owns that strip?" I asked, referring to the twenty-five feet +adjoining our lot to the south. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, it happens to be mine," said Colonel Doller. "As soon as I +heard that you had purchased this place it occurred to me that you +ought to have that twenty-five feet in order to make the rest of your +property available. So, without saying a word about it to anybody +else, I 've stepped over here to tell you that if you want it I 'll +throw that strip in to you at one hundred and twenty-five dollars per +front foot." +</P> + +<P> +"We gave only one hundred dollars a foot for this lot," said I. +</P> + +<P> +"Very true," said Colonel Doller, "but <I>my</I> lot admits of giving you a +frontage of two hundred and thirty-nine feet on Sandpile Terrace." +</P> + +<P> +"To be sure it does," said I. "For the moment I quite lost sight of +that. Well, I think very favorably of it, and I suspect Mr. Black +would insist upon my closing with you at once. I 'll speak to Alice +about it." +</P> + +<P> +"Be careful not to breathe a word of it to anybody else," suggested +Colonel Doller in a low, mysterious tone, "and whatever else you do, +don't let my partner, Leet, have even so much as an inkling of the fact +that we 've had a talk! You understand?" +</P> + +<P> +"It shall be kept a profound secret!" said I, with solemn earnestness. +</P> + +<P> +Colonel Doller patted me reassuringly on the shoulder as he arose to +depart. +</P> + +<P> +"Baker," said he, kindly, "you are as good as a rich man already! You +get that extra twenty-five feet and make a subdivision of this +property, and you 'll have so much money you won't know what to do with +it! Why, the next thing we'll hear of you, you'll be living in a +castle on a hill, with an observatory—just think of it, Baker, old +man! an observatory and a twelve-foot telescope capable of discovering +a new comet every night, rain or shine!" +</P> + +<P> +The kind gentleman's enthusiasm quite took my breath away. As I +watched him departing down the shady drive my heart overflowed with +gratitude, and again I thanked the providential Power that had given me +so many kind, solicitous, and self-sacrificing friends. +</P> + +<P> +My conversation with Colonel Doller set me to indulging in thoughts +which were entirely new to me, and which pleased me with their novelty +and brilliancy. I fancied myself already possessed of a wealth which +permitted me to pursue unreservedly those studies and investigations +which have been my delight since youth. In imagination I pictured +myself the owner of a sightly residence surmounted by a spacious +observatory, in which was located a magnificent reflector-telescope +operated by the newest and nicest mechanism. It was pleasing to be +rich, even in fancy. My thoughts reverted to the children. +</P> + +<P> +"Dear pampered darlings," I murmured, "they little know the lives of +independence and of ease that are before them. They will never know +what it is to toil and to economize. And Alice—sweet girl—this will +put an end to her worry about grocery bills!" +</P> + +<P> +It is curious how completely I lost interest in our new house as soon +as the prospect of getting rich dawned upon me. You will not believe +it, but after that talk with Colonel Doller I looked with actual +disdain upon the old Schmittheimer home and its broad, velvety lawn +under the noble trees. I was so possessed with the fascinating scheme +suggested by Colonel Doller that I was even tempted to bid Uncle Si and +his men quit work until I had consulted with Alice as to the +feasibility of abandoning the proposed improvements and investing the +rest of Mr. Black's three thousand dollars in the twenty-five-foot +strip to the south of us. I am glad now that the still small voice +within me prevailed, and that I saw Alice before saying anything to +Uncle Si. +</P> + +<P> +"Reuben Baker," exclaimed Alice, "that property is <I>mine</I> and I bought +it for a home, <I>not</I> to <I>sell</I>. If you and Colonel Doller want to +speculate, you need n't think you 're going to rope me into any of your +schemes." +</P> + +<P> +"But, Alice, darling—" +</P> + +<P> +"I sha' n't listen to a word of such nonsense," persisted Alice. "So, +there." +</P> + +<P> +I was inclined to remonstrate, but just at that moment the front door +bell rang and a telegraphic message was handed in. The message was +from Cincinnati and it read in this wise: +</P> + +<P> +"Shall be there to-morrow morning to look things over. <I>Luther M. +Black</I>." +</P> + +<P> +In the prospect of a visit from our patron, Mr. Black, I speedily +forgot all about Colonel Bobbett Doller and his pleasing panorama of +potentialities. In this we see illustrated the wisdom of Providence in +so dispensing human events as to soothe the wounds of disappointment +with the balm of anticipation. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap11"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XI +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +I MAKE A STAND FOR MY RIGHTS +</H3> + +<P> +Shortly after Mr. Black's arrival that worthy gentleman was escorted +with all due formality to the old Schmittheimer place in Clarendon +Avenue. Recognizing the fact that first impressions are lasting, we +determined that Mr. Black's first impressions of our purchase should be +favorable. So we conducted him to our property by a rather circuitous +route. The approach to the old Schmittheimer place from the north is +by all means the most agreeable; it leads by Mr. Rink's fine colonial +house and Martin Howard's new place and through an embowered avenue of +weeping willows, which, out of deference to his melancholy profession, +Mr. Dimmons, landscape gardener of our most prosperous cemetery, has +constructed in front of his beautiful residence in Thistle Patch Court; +a turn is then made upon Dandelion Place, and just one block this side +of Mr. Allworth's bowlder house (famous as the greatest bargain ever +acquired on the North Shore) another turn to the right brings you in +sight and within a few yards of our property. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Black was pleased with the neighborhood. He is not a man of +enthusiasms; in all the years of my acquaintance with him I have never +known him to give way to an ebullition of any kind. Yet upon this +occasion there was an expression upon his face when he first set eyes +upon our property which gave me to understand that he approved of our +purchase. I hastened to clinch this favorable impression by apprising +him briefly of the proposition Colonel Bobbett Doller had made to me +the previous afternoon, and I flatter myself that, between us, Alice +and I made a pretty fair presentation of the merits of our new place. +</P> + +<P> +"You seem to have begun reconstructing the house," said Mr. Black. +"Who is your architect?" +</P> + +<P> +"We have no real architect," said I. "In order to save expense we have +employed a boss carpenter capable not only of designing plans, but also +of executing them. His name is Silas Plum." +</P> + +<P> +"Plum? That is a very familiar name to me," said Mr. Black. "I wonder +whether he is any kin to the Plum family of Maine. There was an +Elnathan Plum, who used to live in Aroostook, and I went to school with +him at Pocatapaug Academy in the winter of 1827. The last time I +visited Maine I was told that he had moved west in 1840, or +thereabouts. He married a third cousin of mine whose maiden name was +Eastman—Euphemia Eastman, as I recall it." +</P> + +<P> +Of course I was unable to say what Uncle Si's antecedents were, but I +felt pretty certain that, if left to himself, Mr. Black would find out +all about them, for of all the people I ever met with Mr. Black surely +has the most astounding faculty for acquiring and remembering +genealogical data. +</P> + +<P> +Our worthy friend consumed fully a half-hour's time inspecting our +front lawn, examining into the condition of the fence, learning what +kind of trees we had, and ascertaining the character and depth of the +soil. I do not hesitate to affirm that he knew more about these things +at the end of that half-hour than I shall know at the end of ten years' +daily association with them. I took pains, however, to make the most +of what small knowledge I had, and with considerable flourish I called +Mr. Black's attention to our lilac and gooseberry bushes, and with +conscious pride pointed out the wild grape vine in the corner of the +yard. I told Mr. Black that it was our intention to have a kitchen +garden back of the house, and that among other things we should +cultivate onions of the choicest quality. I had an object in +specifying the onions particularly, for I knew that Mr. Black had a +fondness (amounting almost to a passion) for this succulent fruit. +</P> + +<P> +In all that I pointed out and in all that I said Mr. Black appeared to +take more than common interest. One thing that seemed to please him +particularly was the discovery that three of our currant bushes had +escaped the malice of the workmen, and he promised Alice to write to +his niece at Biddeford for her recipe for making currant wine, a +beverage which, he assured us, would cheer but not inebriate. +</P> + +<P> +Alice and I had made it up beforehand that we would leave Mr. Black and +Uncle Si together for a spell after we had introduced them to each +other; for we wanted our patron to learn for himself (unembarrassed by +our presence) just what had been done and how it had been done. I take +it for granted that the two enjoyed their three hours' confabulation, +but I more than half suspect they spent precious little of that time in +a discussion of our affairs. Mr. Black told me afterward that he had +ascertained that Uncle Si (or Silas, as he called him) was, as he had +surmised, a son of Elnathan Plum of Aroostook. +</P> + +<P> +"Silas looks more like his mother's side of the family," said Mr. +Black. "The Eastmans, as I remember them, were tall and spare, with +blue eyes and straight noses. We have an Eastman in Cincinnati who +looks enough like Silas to be his brother, although he belongs to the +Ebenezer Eastman branch of the family, who located in Westboro, Mass,, +in 1765. Tooker Eastman, the Cincinnati representative of the family, +is pastor of the First Church; he married Sukey, the widow of Amos +Sears, who (that is to say, Amos) was a son of Calvin Sears, who was +postmaster at Biddeford while I was a young man in that town." +</P> + +<P> +From this and other similar morsels of information which Mr. Black let +fall in my hearing I gathered that Mr. Black's talk with Uncle Si had +been rather of a historical and reminiscent than of a business +character. But this mattered not to me; it was clear that Mr. Black +approved of our purchase and of the improvements we contemplated, and +that was enough to insure our entire satisfaction. +</P> + +<P> +When I came down from my study that evening I found Mr. Black and Alice +sitting in the parlor, looking mysteriously solemn. +</P> + +<P> +"I have been advising your wife to make a will," said Mr. Black. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, Alice dear, are you ill?" I asked, in genuine alarm. +</P> + +<P> +Alice laughingly answered that she had never before felt heartier or in +finer spirits. +</P> + +<P> +"Then why make a will?" I asked. "Who ever heard of a person's making +a will unless he was sick?" +</P> + +<P> +"You are laboring under a delusion too common to humanity," said Mr. +Black. "In the midst of life we are in death. It is during health and +while we are in full possession of our physical and mental faculties +that we should provide against that penalty which we all alike as +debtors are sooner or later to pay to nature. Your wife has recently +become possessed by purchase of property that may eventually be of +large value. It seems proper that she should draw a will indicating +her desires as to the disposal of this property in the event of her +demise." +</P> + +<P> +"But what," I cried with honest feeling, "what would be lands or gold +without my Alice?" +</P> + +<P> +"Calm your agitation, Reuben dear," said Alice. "The suggestion which +Mr. Black has made does not involve you to the extent of making you an +heir." +</P> + +<P> +"No," said Mr. Black, "it is proper that you should have a life estate +in the property, but the property itself should ultimately go to the +children." +</P> + +<P> +"Still," said Alice, thoughtfully, "if Reuben were to survive me it +would be just like him to marry again, and I believe I should just rise +up in my grave if I thought another woman was living on the premises +which I myself had earned." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, but Alice, that is very unfair!" I expostulated. "It is <I>I</I> who +am earning the money—or, at least, it is I who expect to earn the +money wherewith to repay our dear friend, Mr. Black, the sums he has +advanced and may advance for our property!" +</P> + +<P> +"There! I suspected it all the time," cried Alice, indignantly. "You +are already claiming the property—you are already preparing for my +death—I daresay you have your eyes already on the woman who is to step +into my place when I am gone! But I won't die—no, I just won't! But +I 'll make a will and I 'll give everything to the children, and you +sha' n't have a thing when I do die—not a thing, not even a life +estate—so there!" +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Black and I were trying to soothe the dear creature, when there +came a knock at the front door. Alice popped up and made her escape +into the dining-room. The front door opened and the ruddy, smiling +face of neighbor Denslow appeared. +</P> + +<P> +"Pardon my informality," said Mr. Denslow, cheerily; "can I come in?" +</P> + +<P> +"By all means," I cried. "You are in good season to meet my old and +valued friend, Mr. Black." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Denslow greeted Mr. Black effusively. All my neighbors had heard +me speak of my generous patron, and they all took a really noble +neighborly pride in promoting my interests with him. Mr. Denslow began +at once to dilate in eloquent terms upon the bargain Alice and I had +secured in the old Schmittheimer place. +</P> + +<P> +"And, by the way," said Mr. Denslow, turning to me, "the mention of +your bargain reminds me of the object of my call. August +Schmittheimer, a son of the widow, came to my office to-day to tell me +that he is prepared to let you have the thirty-three feet in the rear +of your lot at a merely nominal price—say two hundred dollars." +</P> + +<P> +I had cast envious eyes upon this particular strip of ground several +times. Alice had remarked that it would afford an ideal spot upon +which to hang out the washing on Monday mornings; at other times it +would serve as a convenient playground for Josephine and little +Erasmus. It really seemed like a special Providence that what we had +been wishing for should unexpectedly be thrust within our very grasp. +</P> + +<P> +"I think that we should have that extra strip by all means," said I; +and then I added, by way of demonstrating the wisdom of my opinion to +Mr. Black: "We shall thus be enabled to enlarge our onion bed to +pretentious proportions." +</P> + +<P> +This argument must have convinced Mr. Black, for he remarked at once +that he recognized the wisdom of acquiring the extra piece of land at +the bargain price suggested. +</P> + +<P> +"If it pleases you, then," said Mr. Denslow, "I will attend the first +thing in the morning to having the investigation into the title begun, +and I suppose that within the next three days the deal can be +consummated and the property duly transferred to Mrs. Baker." +</P> + +<P> +Too often I do not think of the bright and felicitous thing to say or +do until it is too late. On this occasion, however, a really shrewd +and happy thought occurred to me. The somewhat malicious purpose it +contemplated was justified, I claim, by the context (so to speak) of +events. +</P> + +<P> +"Neighbor Denslow," said I, confidentially, "when it comes to the +transfer of that property please be so kind as to have the warranty +deed made to me." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Denslow looked so surprised, and so did Mr. Black, that I deemed an +explanation necessary. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap12"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XII +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +I AM DECEIVED IN MR. WAX +</H3> + +<P> +I went on to say that it seemed to me to be unwise to invest too much +power in Alice's hands; that <I>I</I> had certain rights which should be +protected, and that if I was not to be assured a life estate in Alice's +property I ought to have at least thirty-three feet to which I could, +in an emergency, retire to spend the evening of my existence in peace +and security. +</P> + +<P> +"Possessed of that thirty-three feet," said I, "I make no question that +I shall soon be able to bring Alice to terms. Give me the power to +stand on my own patch of ground and defy Alice every Monday morning +when the weekly wash is ready to be hung out, and I will cheerfully +risk the future." +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Denslow and Mr. Black are sensible and loyal men; they recognized +the propriety of standing by me in this emergency, and it was agreed +that the extra piece of ground should be conveyed to me. +</P> + +<P> +That night I dreamed that Alice had been called to her heavenly reward +and that I had been turned out of doors by our heartless children. I +was an aged and tottering man. The wind blew lustily and a storm was +raging. I drew my threadbare coat closer about me, for I was shivering +with the cold. +</P> + +<P> +"Alas," I cried (in my dream), "whither shall I turn? Is there no spot +on earth where I can die in peace?" +</P> + +<P> +Then, O joy! it occurred to me (in my dream) that I owned the +thirty-three feet back of the dear old home. Two years' taxes were due +on it, but it was still mine—all mine! +</P> + +<P> +"The snow is deep and clean and hospitable there," I cried (still in my +dream), "and it is all mine own! To that snowbank will I make my way, +and there will I lie down to sleep my last sleep." +</P> + +<P> +But just then I awoke to discover that it was only a dream. Had I been +of a superstitious nature I might have read in this dream divers +premonitions and strange significances. As it was, it merely confirmed +me in my belief that I had done wisely in securing that +thirty-three-foot strip. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Black went back home next day, and nothing more was said for the +nonce about a "will" or a "life estate," or any matter thereunto +appertaining, and disagreeable to Alice and to me alike. The cold +weather having melted away into sunshine and warmth, I once more began +to be deeply interested in horticulture and floriculture, and this, +too, in spite of the ineffaceable scars which the spade-wielding +vandals had left in the large front yard in the alleged interest of the +sewer, water, and gas-pipes. +</P> + +<P> +This enthusiasm of mine in behalf of matters of which I knew absolutely +nothing was retired by my respected neighbor, Fadda Pierce, who is so +learned in all affairs involving flowers and shrubbery that I actually +believe that what he does n't know about them is n't worth knowing. +Fadda's cottage is covered with every variety of dainty and luxurious +vine, and in his yard bloom all kinds of rare and beautiful flowers. +He is so famed for his fondness for and luck with flowers that I felt +grateful to the dear old gentleman when he visited me with a view to +advising me as to the kind of flowers I ought to plant in my lawn and +around the house. +</P> + +<P> +It was then that I learned of the existence of shrubs, vines, and +flowers of which I had never before heard. It is indeed amazing that +an ordinarily intelligent man can reach the age of forty-five years +without being able to profess truthfully a more or less intimate +acquaintance with hydrangeas, fuchsias, taraxacums, syringas, +sisymbriums, gilliflowers, kentaphyllons, maydenheer, chrysanthemums, +orchids, geraniums, lichens, laburnums, jasmines, heliotropes, +gentians, eucalyptuses, crocuses, carnations, dahlias, cactuses, +billybuttons, anemones, anthropomorphons, amaranths, etc., etc. Fadda +Pierce did not chide me for my heathenish ignorance; he seemed to take +it for granted that I had been too busy acquiring knowledge in other +lines to have time to devote to research in botany. He was much more +considerate than neighbor Roth was when he pulled up his team in front +of my house one day and asked me how far it was to Glencoe. I answered +that I did not know; whereupon he shrugged his shoulders and muttered: +"I thought as much, by gosh! You can tell how fur 't is to the sun, +the moon, an' the stars, but you can't tell how fur 't is to Glencoe!" +</P> + +<P> +Fadda Pierce advised me to set out about two dozen cobies (I think he +called them) around our new colonial front porch, and then he kindly +designated certain spots in the yard where beds ought to be constructed +for certain flowers, the names of which he wrote down on a slip of +paper. Some of these beds were to be circular, some square, and some +oblong. Fadda told me that I would require at least three loads of +black dirt, and he gave me the address of a person who dealt in this +precious commodity at one dollar and a half a load. I called upon this +person at once and ordered the three loads of black dirt to be +delivered immediately. I then bethought myself that I required an +outfit of garden tools; so I made my way to the nearest hardware shop +and purchased a spade, a hoe, a rake, a wheelbarrow, a watering can, a +trowel, and a pruning-knife. I trundled the barrow home, with the +other purchases in it. +</P> + +<P> +The day was exceedingly warm, and my appearance in this new rôle +excited the derision of my neighbors; but I felt rather flattered to be +called Farmer Baker, and I was glad to give the Baylors, the Edwardses, +the Dollers, the Tiltmans, the Rushes, the Sissons, and the rest to +understand that I by no means disdained to condescend to the humble +plane of an agriculturist. Now that I come to think of it, I remember +to have read somewhere that Galileo took his recreation at hoeing and +grubbing in the vineyard adjoining his observatory. +</P> + +<P> +As I trundled the barrow up the winding road of the Schmittheimer place +I became aware that a man was following me. So I stopped and waited +for him to overtake me. His appearance indicated poverty and all its +attendant miseries. +</P> + +<P> +"Good sir," said the stranger, "pardon me for this intrusion, but +misfortunes of a most grievous character compel me to thrust myself +upon your mercy. You behold in me, sir, one of the most hapless of +creatures, one whom adversity has buffeted with cruel pertinacity, and +finally driven out to become a homeless and friendless wanderer upon +the face of the earth. My name, sir, is Percival Wax, born and reared +under the auspices of riches, but now forced by the reverses of +remorseless fate to importune you for the wherewithal to procure food +and lodging." +</P> + +<P> +"Mr. Wax," said I, "your appearance by no means belies your words. +Your raiment is torn and soiled; your shoes are not mates, and your hat +was evidently made for a larger head than yours. I also read in your +dim eyes, your unkempt beard, and your dishevelled hair corroboration +of your claims to intimacy with adversity. While I sympathize with you +in your misfortune, I cannot break one of the imperative rules which +govern the conduct of my life; if you are willing to work I will gladly +provide you with the means of relief from your embarrassment." +</P> + +<P> +"Work? Ah, kind sir," said Mr. Wax, eagerly, "it is that which I have +vainly sought for weeks. I have been out of employment ever since the +combined efforts of our National Administration and of our incompetent +Congress succeeded in sowing the seeds of distrust in every mind, +thereby stagnating business and precipitating a financial crisis, from +the débris of which I can never hope to arise." +</P> + +<P> +"Can you make flower-beds, Mr. Wax?" I asked. +</P> + +<P> +"Kind gentleman," he answered, "my profession before financial ruin +overwhelmed me was that of a landscape gardener." +</P> + +<P> +This was, indeed, a marvellously pleasing coincidence. Here was the +very man I needed. +</P> + +<P> +"Take up the barrow, Mr. Wax, and follow me," said I. +</P> + +<P> +I showed him where I wanted the flowerbeds made—the circular, the +square, and the oblong. He was first to remove the turf and then fill +in and square up the beds with black dirt. I found him quick to +understand, and he seemed to be anxious to get to work. +</P> + +<P> +"You can begin as soon as you please," said I. "Meanwhile I shall go +to luncheon, and on my return I shall bring you three or four mustard +sandwiches and some hard-boiled eggs to stay you until you have +finished your task." +</P> + +<P> +"Thank you, kind sir," said Mr. Wax with tears of gratitude in his +voice. +</P> + +<P> +I was gone an hour or more. At luncheon I told Alice of what I had +done, but she did not seem to share my enthusiasm at having provided +Mr. Wax with an opportunity to turn an honest penny or two. She very +clearly indicated to me her distrust of all tramps, to which class she +was sure Mr. Wax belonged. Thereupon I warned Alice against the +inhumanity and wickedness of insensibility to the sufferings of others, +and I was glad that the children were at the table with us to hear my +remarks in praise of that charity which has compassion for all +conditions of misery. +</P> + +<P> +Upon my return to the Schmittheimer place I was disappointed to find +that no progress had been made with the flower-beds. +</P> + +<P> +"I wonder where Mr. Wax is?" said I to Uncle Si. +</P> + +<P> +"Do you mean that —— tramp that was here about noon?" asked Uncle Si. +</P> + +<P> +"He may have been a tramp," said I, purposely ignoring Uncle Si's +profane epithet (for I do not approve of profanity). +</P> + +<P> +"He went away shortly after you went," said Uncle Si. "I asked him +where he was going with the wheelbarrow and the garden tools, and he +said you had hired him to take them over to your house in Heavenward +Avenue for you." +</P> + +<P> +"Mr. Wax lied to you," said I. "He has stolen that barrow and those +tools." +</P> + +<P> +Uncle Si consoled me by telling me that in all human probability Mr. +Wax had sold his stealings by this time and was already squandering his +ill-gotten gains in a barroom. I lamented not only the ingratitude and +dishonesty of this man whom I had sought to befriend, but also the loss +of my barrow and my garden tools. There was, however, some consolation +in the thought that my experience would serve me to good purpose in the +future. +</P> + +<P> +The three mustard sandwiches and the two hard-boiled eggs which I had +brought from home for Mr. Wax's luncheon I now took down into the +cellar and fed to Alice, the mother cat. Had I been a superstitious +person I should not have performed this kind deed by one whom many +might have regarded as the prognostic (if not actually the cause) of +the many evils which had befallen me of late. As it was, I took a kind +of spiteful satisfaction in observing that the gaunt beast did not +exhibit that exuberant fondness for mustard sandwiches and hard-boiled +eggs which might be confidently looked for in the mother of six healthy +and always hungry kittens. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap13"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XIII +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +EDITOR WOODSIT A TRUE FRIEND +</H3> + +<P> +One morning—it was a Thursday morning, as I distinctly recall—I was +much surprised to find that work upon the house had practically been +suspended. I was sure there could not have been a strike, for I told +the workmen at the beginning that whenever they felt as if they were +not getting enough pay they must come to me about it and I would raise +their wages. They had already been to me three times and received an +increase of pay each time. So I felt moderately secure against a +strike. Uncle Si explained the situation briefly. +</P> + +<P> +"The plasterers were to have begun today," said he, "but there is no +water for them; so I had to send them away." +</P> + +<P> +"No water?" I cried. "No water? Then tell me, I pray, why this noble +front yard of ours has been converted into a dreary waste by those +vandals with their spades and picks? Why is that deep, wide, ragged +ditch still yawning in our faces and threatening the death of every +tree at whose roots it crawls? And why did I pay Sibley the plumber +forty-five dollars last Saturday night, if it were not for the laying +of water pipe in that hideous ditch? No water, indeed!" +</P> + +<P> +"It is nobody's fault but the city's," explained Uncle Si. "The pipe +is all laid and nothing remains but for the city to make the connection +with the main in the street. You see <I>we</I> can't tap the main; that is +for the city to do." +</P> + +<P> +"Then why does n't the city do it?" I asked. +</P> + +<P> +Uncle Si shrugged his shoulders. +</P> + +<P> +"The city <I>ought</I> to do a good many things it <I>does n't</I> do," said he. +"They promised to have that main tapped at eight o'clock last Monday +morning, and here it is ten o'clock Thursday morning and not a drop of +water on the place! There is n't any use kicking, for those +politicians down at the City Hall do things their own way and take +their own time doing 'em!" +</P> + +<P> +I saw that argument with Uncle Si meant simply a waste of time, so I +determined to go down-town to the City Hall myself to see whether no +eloquence or indignation of my own would move the derelict officers to +a performance of their duty. On the train I fell in with Mr. Leet, who +was on his way to his place of business. He had not seen me since our +purchase of the Schmittheimer property, and he took this first occasion +to congratulate me upon what he called one of those bargains which +occur at rare intervals in a century. Finding me in a felicitous mood, +Mr. Leet went on to say that the property we already possessed would be +enhanced in value an hundred-fold and would be rendered marketable +instantaneously by the further acquisition of the twenty-five feet +adjoining it upon the north. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," said I, "Mr. Doller spoke to me about that twenty-five-foot +strip some time ago." +</P> + +<P> +"Aha, so Doller has been approaching you, has he?" said Mr. Leet, +softly. "Well, Doller is very cunning—very cunning, indeed. But he +has nothing to do with the <I>north</I> strip. <I>He</I> owns the twenty-five +feet to the <I>south</I> of your property, the piece fronting on Sandpile +Terrace, and a very malarious location it is, too. I pledge you my +word, Mr. Baker, I have seen mosquitos hovering over that Doller strip +at night as big as bats!" +</P> + +<P> +I could neither deny nor affirm the truth of this assertion. +</P> + +<P> +"My twenty-five-foot strip to the north," continued Mr. Leet, "is high +and dry and sightly. The view it commands of the Water Works is +indescribably fine. You are surely practical enough to see, Mr. Baker, +that by purchasing that strip and throwing it in with yours you will +have a subdivision fronting upon Dandelion Place which would offer +unparalleled inducements to the seeker after suburban property. What +is more," added Mr. Leet in a confidential whisper, "it would not +surprise me a bit if there were coal deposits in the twenty-five-foot +strip of mine. I have very distinct suspicions, but the paramount +importance of my other business interests has prevented me from making +the investigation which might enrich me beyond all calculation. Now, +you have time, and if you feel disposed to take that property I 'll let +you have it at the merely nominal price of one hundred and twenty-five +dollars a front foot." +</P> + +<P> +This seemed reasonable enough, particularly when I considered the +chances of there being a coal mine on the property. However, as I had +told Mr. Doller, so I now told Mr. Leet: I would first have to speak to +Alice about the matter. Then I confided to Mr. Leet the object of my +mission down-town. Presumably in the hope of insuring and clinching my +devotion to his interests as represented in his twenty-five-foot lot, +Mr. Leet manifested solicitude in my behalf and inveighed bitterly +against the shiftlessness of the municipal administration as +illustrated in the neglect to tap the water main for the benefit of my +property. +</P> + +<P> +"The most aggravatingly exasperating part of it all," says I, "is that +I am a Republican and have been one for thirty years. Moreover, I am a +reformer, having helped to organize the Civic Federation and having +served for somewhat more than a year as chairman of the Special +Committee on Ash Barrels and Garbage Boxes in the third precinct of the +Twenty-fifth Ward. I made several addresses during the last campaign +in advocacy of civil-service reform and all those other reforms which +are invariably advocated and promised by the party which is not in +power but wants to be. In the thirty years that I have been a +Republican I have never asked a favor of my party, and it does seem +just a bit ungrateful that the Republican reform municipal +administration which I helped to elect should seize with apparent +avidity upon its first opportunity to snub me by refusing to tap the +public water main in front of my property." +</P> + +<P> +"You should see Mayor Speedy about it," suggested Mr. Leet. +</P> + +<P> +"I thought of doing so," said I, "but as I had already determined to +approach him with reference to changing the name of Mush Street to +Clarendon Avenue, I concluded that I ought not to call upon him with +this complaint about the water. I particularly wish to avoid all +appearance of hampering the administration with importunities and +complaints of a personal nature." +</P> + +<P> +"A man of your reputation," said Mr. Leet, "should certainly have the +strongest kind of a pull at the City Hall." +</P> + +<P> +"You may not believe it," said I, "but I do not know a man in the City +Hall. I visit the place but twice a year, and my dealings on those +occasions are restricted to a haughty young foreigner, who graciously +permits me to pay him the amount of my water tax and then waves me to +another foreigner who in turn waves me to the door. No, I have no +influence at the City Hall, and as I was telling Editor Woodsit last +week—" +</P> + +<P> +"Do you know Editor Woodsit?" asked Mr. Leet, interrupting me. +</P> + +<P> +"Indeed I do," said I; "he has promised to print my essay on the +nebular hypothesis of Professor Lecouvrier as soon as his contract with +the monometallist college professors expires. He is one of the most +intimate friends I have." +</P> + +<P> +"Then he is just the one to fix that City Hall matter for you," said +Mr. Leet. "Woodsit is the most potent political influence in the midst +of us." +</P> + +<P> +It was hard to understand why a potent political influence should be +invoked in order to secure the tapping of a water main. However, I +determined to enlist the coöperation of my journalistic friend. Twenty +or thirty people were waiting outside Editor Woodsit's door. This +number included noted clergymen, poets, authors, politicians, jurists, +merchants, etc., etc. By some means or another, Editor Woodsit learned +I was among the waiting throng, and he sent for me to come in. His +private office is spacious and elegantly furnished. The walls are hung +with splendid tapestries and costly oil paintings. Over Editor +Woodsit's desk appears the legend, "The Pen Is Mightier Than the +Sword." Near the desk are rows of nickel-plated tubes, about six feet +in height and two feet in diameter; the lids or covers to these tubes +are opened by means of a keyboard in front of the editor. The tubes +themselves contain the heads of the departments of the State and +municipal governments. +</P> + +<P> +"What you tell me pains me deeply," said Mr. Woodsit, after he heard my +story. "But there is no need of going to the City Hall about it; the +matter can be attended to here. I never trifle with underlings when +the responsible heads are at hand." +</P> + +<P> +Editor Woodsit reached over and touched a button on the keyboard; it +was button No. 9. Immediately the lid or top of tube No. 9 flew open +and the head and face of a man appeared; it was the head and face of +Commissioner Dent. +</P> + +<P> +"This friend of mine," said Editor Woodsit, sternly, "complains that he +can't get your department to connect the pipe with the water main in +front of his property. My friend is a Republican, Dent, and he is a +reformer. What excuse have you to offer for neglecting him?" +</P> + +<P> +Commissioner Dent turned very pale and he vainly tried to stammer an +apology. +</P> + +<P> +"This is a pretty kind of reform!" cried Editor Woodsit, savagely. "If +a similar complaint occurs again I shall have your case investigated by +my legal and spiritual counsellor, Joshua Selah, and may be have you +impeached. Now see that Mr. Baker's reasonable demands are complied +with at once." +</P> + +<P> +With these words Editor Woodsit touched another button, and the head +and face of Commissioner Dent disappeared and the top closed down over +the box. It was all the work of two or three minutes, and it was +certainly the most marvellous experience I had ever met with. My +wonderment increased when I learned an hour later, upon my arrival +home, that less than fifteen minutes (as I figure it) after I left +Editor Woodsit's office an employé of Commissioner Dent's department +came galloping up to my place on a foam-flecked steed, and, vaulting +from his saddle, unswung his melting-furnace, soldering-irons, and +other tools, and, quicker than you could say a pater noster, tapped the +water main and made the desired connection with the pipe that fed my +premises. +</P> + +<P> +"I guess you must have a pull at the City Hall," said Uncle Si; and +then he went on to tell me how people who have no pull have to wait +weeks, sometimes, before their just requirements are answered by the +municipal authorities. If what Uncle Si tells me is true I cannot be +too glad that I have what is even more efficacious than a pull at the +City Hall—a friend in Editor Woodsit. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap14"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XIV +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +THE VICTIM OF AN ORDINANCE. +</H3> + +<P> +And now that a plentiful supply of water was provided, it seemed proper +to celebrate by giving the lawn (poor abused thing!) a deluge of the +refreshing element. The exceeding ardor of the sun and the absence of +rain had wrought havoc with the grass and shrubbery. The drought +seemed determined to finish the work of destruction which the workmen, +with their picks and spades, had begun. With a joyous heart, +therefore, I applied myself to the task of rescuing the fainting +vegetation. I borrowed Mr. Tiltman's hose because it was the best and +longest in the neighborhood and was provided with a patent nozzle which +was so versatile that there was actually no detail in its business +which it did not perform in a most masterly way. I shall never forget +the feeling of exultation with which I stood on that expansive lawn and +sprayed the parched grass and drooping shrubbery. I fancied I could +see the thirsty blades and leaves reach up to drink in the restoring +element. My thoughts while I was thus engaged were similar, I suppose, +to those of benevolent men who hasten to the succor of their suffering +fellow-beings. I can imagine that it was with some such inspiring +feelings that relief was borne to Livingstone in Africa and to Greely +in the Arctic Circle. To the good man it is always a pleasure to do an +act of magnanimity, and the fact that my considerate regard for our +lawn involved no danger or privation did not serve in the least to +abate my satisfaction in the performance of my task. +</P> + +<P> +While I was thus engaged I observed a stranger coming up the lawn +toward me. I bade him a very good morning, but he seemed disinclined +to exchange civilities with me. He was a low-browed, roughish-looking +fellow, and I conceived an immediate dislike for him. +</P> + +<P> +"You 'll have to give me your name," said he, very gruffly. +</P> + +<P> +"For what purpose?" I asked, for his tone and manner nettled me. +</P> + +<P> +"I 'm a detective," said he, exhibiting a silver star on his vest +front, "and I 'm on the trail of you ducks that sprinkle your lawns +after legal hours. Oh, I 'm onto your racket." +</P> + +<P> +"Sir," said I, indignantly, "I have made no racket. I am a quiet, +law-abiding citizen, and this is my own lawn to do with as I please." +</P> + +<P> +"Come, now," said he, insolently, "don't give me any funny business. +You 're sprinklin' after hours and I 'm going to report you to police +headquarters. There 's no use of kickin', so you 'd better give me +your name an' save trouble." +</P> + +<P> +"Sir," I cried, "Reuben Baker is not a name to be ashamed of, and if +you think that by any of your underhand hocus pocus you can trespass on +my premises and prevent my caring for my own property you are grandly +mistaken." +</P> + +<P> +"You 'll sing a different song to-morrer," said the fellow, and I am +sure I heard him chuckling to himself as he walked away. +</P> + +<P> +Later in the day I learned from neighbor Baylor that I had indeed +transgressed the law by operating the lawn hose at ten o'clock in the +morning. It seems that there is an ordinance imposing a fine upon all +who sprinkle their lawns between eight o'clock in the morning and five +o'clock in the afternoon. +</P> + +<P> +I declared in very vigorous English that I would never submit to any +such outrage, and my indignation touched the boiling point when, still +later in the day, a policeman came to my house and handed me a document +apprising me that I must give a good and sufficient bond for my +appearance the next morning before his honor, Justice Fatty, to answer +to the charge of having maliciously, etc., defied, disobeyed and broken +the ordinance, etc. I went at once to seek the counsel of Lawyer +Miles, for whose legal acumen and forensic eloquence I had harbored the +profoundest veneration ever since I had heard his prosecution of a man +named Tackleton for causing the death of neighbor Baylor's pet dog. I +recall that on that occasion there was not a dry eye in the court and +that even the defendant himself wept copiously; whereupon the presiding +justice, fearing that he might be unduly influenced by the emotion of +the auditors, ordered the constable to clear the room of everybody not +a party to the cause. At this supreme moment Lawyer Miles, with +streaming eyes and amid choking sobs, cried out: "Mercy, your honor; in +the name of the tenderest and holiest of human considerations I appeal +for mercy! Turn out the men-folks if you will, but spare, oh, spare +the women and children." +</P> + +<P> +Ever since this memorable occasion I have regarded Lawyer Miles as the +foremost of living jurists, and it was the most natural thing in the +world that I should determine to confide to him any legal business of +mine that might arise—in which determination I was confirmed by a +suspicion that Lawyer Miles never charged his neighbors any fee for his +professional services. +</P> + +<P> +I was not a little surprised when, having heard my story, Lawyer Miles +counselled me to plead guilty to the charge and to pay the regulation +fine, which together with the costs (so called), amounted to seven +dollars and fifty cents. It was in vain that I represented to Lawyer +Miles the outrage of punishing a man for seeking to beautify his +premises, and thereby to contribute to the comfort and delectation of +the public generally. Lawyer Miles took the narrow view that the +ordinance had been violated, and that, therefore, the fine should be +paid. "The ordinance may be an unwise one," said he. "In that event +we should elect a city council that will repeal it. But so long as the +law exists it should be enforced." +</P> + +<P> +The advice of Lawyer Miles, coupled with the tears of Alice, finally +prevailed. Alice fancied that I was in danger of being committed to +prison, and she hysterically represented to me the horror of the +ignominy which would ever thereafter attach to our family name. In one +breath she proposed to send post haste for our pastor, the Rev. Dr. +Sungaulus, in the hope that by means of his spiritual ministrations I +might be dissuaded from further defiance of the law; in the next breath +she conjured me by every regard I had for the future of our +children—Galileo, Herschel, Fanny, Erasmus, and Josephine—to listen +to the Voice of Reason. At the mention of Josephine's name I weakened, +for, as I have already intimated to you, the innocent babe has acquired +a powerful hold upon the tendrils of my heart. In an instant my anger +departed. +</P> + +<P> +"It shall be as you say, Alice: I will pay the fine and costs. But +from this moment I consecrate my life to the election of councilmen +from the Twenty-fifth Ward who will repeal that odious ordinance and +make it legal for property-owners to sprinkle their lawns when and how +they please." +</P> + +<P> +In looking back over the short period of the history of "our house" I +find no other incident so disagreeable as this one which I have just +narrated. Even at this remote date I cannot refer to it without +feeling my gorge rise. By nature I am peaceful, and I am exceeding +slow to wrath. But anything that savors of injustice exasperates me to +the degree of frenzy. I am still fixed in my determination to secure +the repeal of the ordinance which robbed me of seven dollars and fifty +cents and is jeoparding the lives of my lilac bushes, my peonies, my +twin cherry-trees (George and Martha), and my grass. I intend to see +that the matter is brought up at the next quarterly meeting of the +Buena Park Benevolent and Protective Citizens' Association, and you can +depend upon it that when that association speaks its tones are heard +around the world and go thundering down the ages. +</P> + +<P> +This affair of mine with the odious ordinance was duly reported in the +daily newspapers through the delectable medium of the column headed +"Minor Criminal Items." It did not conduce to my equanimity to see my +name catalogued with persons arrested for sneak thievery, +pocket-picking, drunkenness, brawling, and mayhem. I never before +suspected that my friends made a practice of perusing the criminal +calendar, but after the appearance of that disagreeable item in print I +began to get letters from old acquaintances condoling with me and +asking whether they could be of any service to me in my trouble. Some +of these letters must have been dispatched in a spirit of humor, but I +see nothing mirthfull in the association of an honest man's name with +crime, and the people who have sought to poke fun at me in this +unpleasant affair need not be at all surprised if I do not bow to them +the next time we meet. +</P> + +<P> +Another class of people I have no sympathy with are those who do not +recognize in our purchase of a home a cause for general joy and +congratulation. You may not believe it, but it is nevertheless a fact +that within the last two months I have met people and apprised them of +our purchase and they have never so much as expressed even the least +bit of delight. My old friend Slashon Tomsing, who makes considerable +pretense to being interested in the public welfare—why, when I met him +at the Civic Federation rooms not long ago and began to tell him of our +new home, instead of being swept away (as it were) upon a tidal wave of +rapture, he immediately changed the theme of conversation and asked my +opinion of bimetallism. I gave him to understand very distinctly that +the public was in very poor business if it suffered itself to become +interested in bimetallism or in any other ism so long as it had an +opportunity to discuss "our new house" as a living, absorbing, and +burning theme. +</P> + +<P> +Another friend, my old and particularly valued friend, Professor Sniff, +curator of Mahon's Museum of Marvels—but I'll let that affair pass; +for Professor Sniff certainly did not intend to wound my feelings by +his apparent indifference; moreover, he has promised to send me for my +private collection all the duplicates that occur in section E of his +museum, which section is devoted exclusively to dried centipedes, +tarantulas, and beetles and to Mexican lizards in bottles of alcohol. +</P> + +<P> +All who have ever engaged in the enterprise of a new house will agree +with me when I say that nothing else wounds one more deeply than the +indifference of the rest of humanity to what is nearest and dearest to +his heart. When I walk the street nowadays I actually pity the crowds +of people I see, because, forsooth, they know nothing of the great joy +I have acquired in that blessed house. Alice made me take her to hear +a Mme. Melba in Italian opera last month at the Auditorium. As we came +away Alice asked: "Was n't it grand?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," I answered, "and yet amid it all I was oppressed by a feeling of +sadness. For, of all the six thousand souls in that splendid building, +only you and I, dear Alice, were aware that the old Schmittheimer place +had passed into the possession of the two happiest people on earth." +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap15"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XV +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +THE QUESTION OF INSURANCE +</H3> + +<P> +My neighbor, Mr. Teddy, called on me one morning as I sat under a +willow tree watching the tinner at work on the roof and wondering +whether it was really as nice and warm on a tin roof under an +unobscured sun as it seemed to be. +</P> + +<P> +"Do you know," said Mr. Teddy, cordially, "this is the first time I +have ever visited this place. Frequently in my walks of an evening I +have passed here, and, in common with others, I have admired the +graceful slope of the lawn, the stately dignity of the trees, and the +bright colors of the flowers that here and there dot the verdant +expanse. Surely in the possession of this charming estate you are, my +dear friend, one of the most fortunate of mortals. Your life amid +these picturesque environments, in this sequestered spot, far from the +din and turmoil of the urban throng, will be in every respect ideal—a +dream, sir, a poetic dream." +</P> + +<P> +You will perhaps understand by this time that I regard Mr. Teddy as an +exceptionally worthy and pleasant gentleman. +</P> + +<P> +"And," continued Mr. Teddy, "it would be cruel if your studious +researches in this academic grove were by any chance to be interrupted +by any harassing business care. The serpent of worldly solicitude, +sir, should never be suffered to enter this veritable Eden." +</P> + +<P> +"You are right, my good friend and neighbor," said I, "but how can I +prevent the intrusion of care, since, alas! I am merely human?" +</P> + +<P> +"It behooves you to make provision against every contingency," answered +Mr. Teddy. "Do I understand that you carry insurance upon this +residence?" +</P> + +<P> +"Insurance? Why, no, I think not," said I. "Insurance is a matter I +never thought of." +</P> + +<P> +"Is it possible," cried Mr. Teddy, "that you have neglected to provide +against that serious loss which would accrue if a careless workman were +to drop a lighted match in yonder pile of shavings? Think for one +moment, sir, of the ruin that would confront you if this magnificent +but uninsured architectural pile were to be swept away by the pale hand +of the remorseless fire fiend! I beg of you to provide yourself with +the means of redress ere you are overtaken by the bitter pill of +adversity. Mr. Baker, your beautiful home should be insured at once!" +</P> + +<P> +It then occurred to me for the first time that neighbor Teddy was the +general western agent of the Royal Liliuokalani Fire, Marine and +Accident Insurance Company of Hawaii. I have often wondered why a man +when he embarks in the insurance business invariably attaches himself +to a concern located in some far distant clime, and now that I am +thinking of it, I will add that I have often wondered why the efficacy +of patent medicines is so often testified to by the affidavits of +people with strange names who reside in queer streets in obscure +hamlets hundreds of miles distant from the place of publication. +</P> + +<P> +"It would be wise of you," said Mr. Teddy, "to let me write you out a +policy immediately. It is always prudent to take time by the forelock. +Our rates are low, and, as you doubtless are aware, our company is the +most prosperous in the world. We were awarded a medal at the World's +Fair. +</P> + +<P> +"I know absolutely nothing about these things," said I, candidly, "but +I suppose we ought to have the place insured. I should be glad to have +you drop around some evening and talk the matter over with Alice and +me." +</P> + +<P> +To this suggestion Mr. Teddy took very kindly and he promised to call +very soon. As he retired down the gravel walk Colonel Bobbett Doller +came up the same. The two gentlemen saluted each other very coldly. +</P> + +<P> +"Colonel Doller is coming to talk to me about that twenty-five foot +strip of land," says I to myself; but I was in error. +</P> + +<P> +"Ah, good morning, neighbor Baker, good morning!" cried Colonel Doller, +cheerily. "Beautiful weather we 're having—too dry, though, much too +dry! All nature is parched. We need rain badly; otherwise the most +lamentable consequences will follow. I dare say you have noticed by +the paper how alarmingly prevalent conflagrations have become?" +</P> + +<P> +"Have they?" I asked, in genuine surprise. +</P> + +<P> +"Shockingly so," answered Colonel Doller. "The record is simply +appalling. If this thing continues a lot of the little mushroom +insurance companies will fail; it 's an ill wind that blows nobody +good. The public will presently awaken to a realization of the danger +of patronizing the irresponsible concerns which are trying to do +business under the shadow of the old and reliable companies." +</P> + +<P> +"Do you really think there will be a panic?" I asked. +</P> + +<P> +"Among the small fry, yes," answered Colonel Doller; "but nothing short +of a universal cataclysm will feaze to the slightest degree the +Vesuvius Assurance Company (limited) of Piddleton, England, the oldest +and staunchest insurance company in the world, of which I am, as +perhaps you know, the general manager for the western hemisphere." +</P> + +<P> +"We—and when I say we," continued Colonel Doller, "I mean the +Vesuvius—we have a cash capital of eighteen million pounds, and a +reserve fund of twelve million five hundred and sixty-eight thousand +two hundred pounds, three shillings, and six pence. Our losses last +year were six million three hundred thousand pounds in round numbers, +and our premiums were eight million five hundred and sixty-three +thousand two hundred and sixty-five pounds and eighteen pence. So you +can see for yourself (for figures do not lie) that the Vesuvius is as +solid as the everlasting hills." +</P> + +<P> +"The Royal Liliuokalani is a pretty good company, is n't it?" says I. +</P> + +<P> +"The Royal Liliuokalani?" repeated Colonel Doller. "The Royal +Liliuokalani? Let me see—I don't know that I ever heard of it. It's +a Milwaukee concern, is n't it?" +</P> + +<P> +"No," said I, "my understanding is that it is a Hawaiian enterprise." +</P> + +<P> +"Possibly so—very likely it is," said Colonel Doller, indifferently. +"There are so many of these little schemes springing up nowadays that I +do not pretend to keep track of them. If, however, you should at any +time contemplate insuring you will, of course, come to the Vesuvius." +</P> + +<P> +I repeated to Colonel Doller what I had told Mr. Teddy about the +feasibility of consulting Alice. Colonel Doller replied that while the +Vesuvius was entirely too big and too conservative a company ever to +skirmish for business, he would, purely out of regard for his long +friendship for me, call that evening to have a business talk with Alice +and me. +</P> + +<P> +Later in the day I had a visit from Frederick Jeems, another neighbor +engaged in the profession of fire insurance. He began his attack +adroitly by complimenting my new house and by regretting that I was +shingling the roof. +</P> + +<P> +"But so long as you 're insured," said he, carelessly, "I don't know +that it makes any difference whether you use shingles or slate." +</P> + +<P> +I confessed that I had not taken out any insurance, and this gave him +the desired opportunity to bring up his batteries of eloquence, of +argument, of statistics, and of figures. Before he was done he had +overwhelmed the Royal Liliuokalani of Hawaii and the Vesuvius of +Piddleton with a genuine avalanche of scorn and derision, and had quite +convinced me that the only solvent and secure insurance concern in the +world was the Deutsche Kaiser of Bomberg-am-Rhine. In an inspired +moment I bade Mr. Jeems come round that very evening to present his +facts and figures to Alice, and I laughed slyly to myself as I pictured +the meeting between himself, Mr. Teddy, and Colonel Doller. This may +strike you as having been malicious, but I claim that under the +circumstances I was warranted in planning this practical joke. +</P> + +<P> +Having disposed of these three gentlemen, I flattered myself that I was +temporarily done with the vexatious details of insurance, and I was +getting ready to bank up one of the flowerbeds with black dirt when who +should come along but another neighbor, and a very charming one, +too—Angus Cameron Macleod? For two years we have been more or less +intimate. Macleod combines many strangely diverse accomplishments. He +executes the sword dance with singular grace, and he recites Robert +Burns' poems and passages from "Marmion" by the yard, and with +inspiring animation. Although I am in no sense a music critic, nor +even a connoisseur, I will confess that I have often been actually +transported with delight by neighbor Macleod's rendition of "The +Campbells Are Coming" on the bagpipes. At the same time he is a +skilful rhetorician and severe logician, as all who have heard his +defence of Presbyterianism will testify, and I will concede that I +never heard anything more absorbingly fascinating than his exposition +of the honest and ennobling old doctrine of infant damnation. If you +knew Macleod you 'd agree with me that he is a man of parts. +</P> + +<P> +"Now that your house is pretty nearly done," said Macleod, "you ought +to take out some insurance in our company, the Bonny Thistle Marine of +Inverness." +</P> + +<P> +"But gracious me!" I cried in astonishment. "Why should I take out any +marine insurance on a <I>house</I>?" +</P> + +<P> +"For the very best reason in the world," answered Mr. Macleod. "Your +house stands within two hundred yards of one of the fiercest inland +seas of the world. Even now you can hear the tempestuous billows +dashing wildly upon yonder treacherous sands, and you can see the surf +madly reaching out as if to overwhelm this fair spot with its fatal +fury. At any time a tidal wave is likely to sweep in from the frowning +shores of Michigan. Fancy for one moment what would become of this +beautiful but delicate fabric if that mighty lake were to burst its +confines and surge in one vast wall in this direction! Has not the +immortal Scott truly said: +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +"Against the wrath of nature how vain<BR> +<SPAN STYLE="margin-left: 3em">the works of man?</SPAN><BR> +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +"My dear Baker, you certainly are too sensible a man to be blind to the +security which is held out to you in this supreme moment of peril by +the Bonny Thistle Marine of Inverness." +</P> + +<P> +I admit that I knew not what to say. I had never before suspected any +of these dangers which, according to my friends, now seemed imminent. +On the one hand our cherished new house was threatened by fire; on the +other hand that same dear edifice seemed to be doomed to a watery +grave. Under these conflicting threatenings what was an inexperienced +man to do? Heaven be praised, my presence of mind did not desert me. +I referred Mr. Macleod to Alice, as I had referred the others. It was +her house, and she would have to be responsible for it against the +devouring elements. +</P> + +<P> +That night I dreamed that the awful suggestions of Messrs. Teddy, +Jeems, Doller, and Macleod had been realized. I dreamed that the new +house was confronted upon one side by a wall of flame, and upon the +other by a wall of water. Destruction and death seemed imminent. I +dreamed that, trusting rather the mercy of the waves than the ferocity +of the flames, I leaped into the billows and struggled like a Titan +with them. I awoke, screaming with affright. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap16"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XVI +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +NEIGHBOR ROBBINS' PLATYPUS +</H3> + +<P> +I wish you knew Burr Robbins. It is quite likely, however, that you +<I>do</I> know him, for he has been conspicuously before the public for a +number of years. Mr. Robbins lives just across the way from the old +Schmittheimer place, and he has surrounded himself with comforts and +luxuries of a most extraordinary character. He is a retired circus +proprietor, and he has taken with him into retirement many of the most +startling features of the menagerie which used to figure as one of the +most delectable component parts of the "absolutely greatest +agglomeration of marvels exhibiting under one canvas." +</P> + +<P> +In his front yard Mr. Robbins pastures two trained buffalo, a sacred +cow, a gnu (or horned horse), two musk deer, a giraffe, a woolly horse, +a five-legged calf and a moose. In the back yard there are two white +bear cubs, a baby elephant, a nest of pythons, half a dozen ostriches, +a learned pig, several alligators and crocodiles, and a giant sloth +from South America. The stable is well stocked with monkeys, parrots, +eagles, lizards, tortoises and other curiosities, and in the watering +trough are a sea serpent and a mermaid (said to be the only specimens +of these marvels in a domesticated state). +</P> + +<P> +Alice expressed some anxiety at first that the proximity of the strange +creatures might prove unpleasant to us, and she strictly forbade little +Erasmus associating with the pythons or pulling the crocodiles' tails. +Mr. Robbins has assured us, however, that his pets are docile and +trustworthy, and it is his custom to invite the little children of the +neighborhood to visit and play with the most tractable of them. +</P> + +<P> +I got acquainted with neighbor Robbins in a rather curious manner. His +platypus escaped from its cage in the stable and sought refuge in our +front yard. I discovered that it had made a nest in one of our lilac +bushes and had laid an egg in it. With eggs at twenty cents a dozen +and our family fond of custard, an industrious platypus is by no means +an unwelcome visitor. When Mr. Robbins came looking for his vagrant +pet I suggested that a flock of platypuses would be a decided +improvement upon the poultry with which the average farmer stocks his +farm. I was considerably surprised to learn from Mr. Robbins that the +market price of platypuses is eight hundred dollars apiece, and I at +once foresaw that this strange creature was not likely to become the +dreaded competitor of the hen in the midst of us. +</P> + +<P> +Erasmus and little Josephine became deeply interested in Mr. Robbins, +and they are now spending a large share of their time in the society +either of that fascinating gentleman or of his equally fascinating wild +beasts. Erasmus has learned to throw a back-somersault with surprising +ease and grace and to sing a comic song with electrical effect. These +accomplishments he has acquired under the careful tutelage of Rufe +Botts, formerly known to fame as Professor Botts, manager of the +Nonpareil Congress of Trained Dogs and Trick Ponies. I understand that +he also served Mr. Robbins in "the palmy days" as a clown in the ring +during the regular performance and as a serio-comic vocalist at the +concert immediately after the show under the great canvas. Relentless +time, however, rings in wondrous changes, and the whilom Professor +Rufus Botts, pride alike of the amphitheatre and of the concert stage, +is now plain Rufe Botts on a salary of four dollars a week (and found) +as Mr. Robbins' man of all work. +</P> + +<P> +Alice and I have feared that Rufe's influence might not be beneficial +to the children. It pains us to observe that Josephine has learned to +ride a padded horse and to leap with surprising certainty through a +hoop and over a banner. Erasmus does not disguise his intention of +joining a circus when he reaches the age of maturity, and I happened to +overhear Rufe remark the other day that our daughter Fanny, with just a +leetle more practice, would make a ne plus ultra snake-charmer and +knife-thrower. Mr. Robbins has laughed at our solicitude; he tells us +that these are the vagarious fancies and exuberant whims of youth and +that they will duly die out. This is really very consoling to me, for +I can conceive of nothing else more humiliating than the spectacle of +our beloved Josephine flaunting around a circus ring upon the back of a +fat horse and attired in shockingly scanty raiment. It would break his +mother's heart if Erasmus were to diverge from that course in theology +which she has mapped out and were to embark in the picturesque +profession of turning somersaults in public. Our family reputation +would surely be irreparably damaged if our Fanny were to be beguiled +into the fascinating but hazardous arts of a snake-charmer and a +knife-thrower! Heaven send that our fears be dissipated by future +events! +</P> + +<P> +And yet, full of temptations and of misery as I believe the career of a +circus performer to be, I am entertained and instructed by neighbor +Robbins' recital of his exploits and experiences, and I am deeply +stirred by his narrative of the adventures he had in the capture of +those same wild beasts which now embellish his expansive estate in +Clarendon Avenue. Indeed, a peculiar interest is now attached by me to +each particular beast, for I have heard Mr. Robbins tell how in their +native jungles or on their native pampas or in their native lagoons or +among their native rocky fastnesses he sought and found and +comprehended the lemurs, the bisons, the alligators, the rackaboars, +and the other marvels of zoölogy. +</P> + +<P> +It is very pleasant, I can assure you, to listen to tales of adventure +while one is engaged at the somewhat prosaic task of trimming a lilac +bush or of weeding the pansy bed. Whenever he discovers me at this +kind of toil neighbor Robbins comes over and leans up against a tree +and beguiles the tedium of labor with a bit of personal experience. I +can't begin to tell you how attached I have already become to Mr. +Robbins. I have already made up my mind that when his own front lawn +gets pretty well cleaned out I shall ask neighbor Robbins to pasture +his sacred cow, horned horse, and five-legged calf in our front yard +for a spell. +</P> + +<P> +I shall never forget the shock I had one afternoon while Mr. Robbins +and I were visiting on our front lawn. I had been pruning one of the +poplars and Mr. Robbins was telling me of the difficulty Professor +Rufus Botts and he had once had trying to teach the wild man of Borneo +to eat olives and anchovy paste. Suddenly I saw a strange object pass +up the street on a bicycle. I had never seen the like before. My +acquaintance with Burr Robbins' menagerie had made me familiar with +most of the curious forms of animal life, but never before had I seen +so remarkable an object as I beheld upon that bicycle. +</P> + +<P> +"Look there! Look quick!" said I to neighbor Robbins. "It is going up +the street and it has wheels under it!" +</P> + +<P> +"Where?" asked Mr. Robbins; "I don't see anything." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, you do," said I; "I mean the queer thing on the bicycle—can it +be one of your trained animals that has got away?" +</P> + +<P> +"Bless your soul, man," answered Mr. Robbins, "that's not an animal! +That's a woman!" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, no, it is n't," said I. "No woman ever dressed like that." +</P> + +<P> +"No woman ever dressed like that?" echoed Mr. Robbins, with a mocking +laugh; "why, neighbor Baker, where have you been hiding so long that +you 're so behind the times?" +</P> + +<P> +"I 've not been hiding at all," said I, indignantly. "I 've been +living in Evanston Avenue, and a very worthy locality it is, too!" +</P> + +<P> +"And do you mean to tell me," asked Mr. Robbins, "that women don't ride +the bicycle in Evanston Avenue?" +</P> + +<P> +"Of course they do," said I, "but they don't look like <I>that</I>! The +women that ride in Evanston Avenue wear dresses, the same as other +women wear. This strange object (which you declare is a woman) wears +pants!" +</P> + +<P> +"Those ain't pants," said Mr. Robbins; "those are bloomers." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't care what you call them," said I, "they 're pants just the +same, and, what is more, very ill-fitting pants at that!" +</P> + +<P> +"That," said Mr. Robbins, "is the new style of bicycle attire for the +feminine sex. Shocking as it may appear to you, it is much more ample +than the costume which I found to be popular among the female +bicyclists of France during my visit to that country last summer." +</P> + +<P> +"But you don't mean to tell me," said I, "that women make a practice of +riding up and down Clarendon Avenue in pants!" +</P> + +<P> +"Certainly, I do," said Mr. Robbins. "We do things in style over this +way. Evanston Avenue is a century behind the times. Oh, you 'll learn +a lot of things when you get moved over here into your new house." +</P> + +<P> +"But I 'll not stand it!" I cried. "I 'll inform the police and I 'll +have the law on these brazen creatures. What would Alice say! And +what would become of Fanny and of little Josephine if they were brought +up under the demoralizing influences of spectacles like that! Do you +suppose I 'm going to have Galileo and Herschel corrupted? And little +Erasmus—shall his pure, innocent mind be contaminated? Never, +neighbor Robbins, never!" +</P> + +<P> +But Mr. Robbins did not seem to view the matter at all as I did. It +was evident that his long connection with the circus had calloused the +sensibility of his perceptive faculties. He was inclined to jeer at +what he termed my prudishness. I was glad to be back in Evanston +Avenue once more, secure in an atmosphere of propriety. It was several +hours, however, before I could get my mind away from thoughts of that +woman in pants, so profoundly had her appearance in that strangely +abbreviated costume shocked me. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap17"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XVII +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +OUR DEVICES FOR ECONOMIZING +</H3> + +<P> +Unless you want to render yourself liable to an attack of nervous +prostration you should never watch a skilful workman nailing on lath. +It is the most bewildering spectacle you can conceive of. I watched it +for twenty minutes one day—it was when they were lathing the big front +room downstairs, the library, and my brain began to reel as if I were +intoxicated. I actually believe that if Uncle Si had not led me away +and set me down under one of the willow-trees in the front yard I +should have had a spell of sickness, and may be even now had been +confined in the incurable ward of a lunatic asylum. I can't understand +how they do it so accurately and so fast and with such apparent ease. +The whole proceeding is so fascinating that I really believe that, next +to proficiency in the science of astronomy, I should like to be an +expert at nailing lath. In every line of mechanics my education has +been grievously neglected. +</P> + +<P> +Alice says that I am not practical enough to make a successful +carpenter; she gets this unfair opinion of me from an incident in our +early wedded life which she delights in recalling in the presence of +people upon whom I am particularly desirous of making a favorable +impression. It seems that when Galileo and Herschel were little tots I +undertook to construct a playhouse for them in the back yard. This was +at a time when I was exceptionally busied with my professional studies; +Mars was rapidly approaching perihelion, and I had been commissioned by +the Blue Island Society of the Arts and Sciences to prepare a chart of +the bottle-neck seas. It would have been surprising indeed had I not +been preoccupied—too absorbed in intellectual pursuits to cope +successfully with any such worldly and prosaic thing as a playhouse in +the back yard. Yet Alice insists that it is most amusing that I should +have neglected to provide that structure with windows and a door, and +that, as a natural consequence, I should have nailed myself up securely +in that affair. +</P> + +<P> +On another occasion I painted myself gradually into a corner while +attempting to paint the floor of the spare chamber. Alice reproached +me bitterly for this; she said she supposed everybody knew that a floor +should always be painted toward, and not away from the door. Alice +seems never to consider that few other people are gifted with such +intuitions as she has, but are compelled to drag along through life +learning by experience. +</P> + +<P> +I do not wish to be understood as complaining or railing against fate +because I am not skilled in mechanics; I recognize as a distinct boon +the fact that I am awkward in the use of tools, and the further fact +that I have no ambition in the direction of mechanical endeavor has +doubtless saved me many a bruised thumb and a vast amount of hard +labor. When I see my neighbors tinkering away at their storm windows +and garbage boxes and grape vine trellises and dog kennels and window +screens and front gates, I do not neglect to thank heaven that Alice +has the best of reasons for not asking me to engage in similar odd jobs +about our house. +</P> + +<P> +Still, I am sure that, if I ever do engage in any avocation, it will be +that of nailing lath, an employment requiring an exercise of patience, +of intelligence, and of skill to the highest degree. +</P> + +<P> +Until we bought the new place I had no idea that the expense of +conducting an establishment of one's own was so large. It seems, +however, that when one has once become a property-owner there is no end +to the things one must have and cannot get along without. It is +impossible to say how or where the venders of patent arrangements find +out about you, but no sooner do you buy a place of your own than you +are run to death by people who actually prove to you that you <I>must</I> +have what they have to sell. +</P> + +<P> +Alice and I are very happy in the confidence that we have secured a +simple device which is going to reduce our coal bill by at least fifty +per cent.; it is a fuel-saving machine which is to be attached to our +new steam-heating apparatus, and if it accomplishes anything like what +the agent said it would, why, it is worth five dollars ten times over! +And we are expecting wonders, too, of the gas-saving apparatus for +which we have paid three dollars and which is to be attached to the +meter with such pleasing results that we shall have five times more +light at a saving of at least sixty per cent in cost. +</P> + +<P> +I find upon consulting my expense account for May that during that +month alone Alice and I purchased no fewer than thirty devices of an +economical character. We have three different kinds of +smoke-consumers, an automatic carpet-sweeper, a bottle of lightning +polish for plate-glass, a dish-washing machine, a knife-scourer, a +potato-parer, two automatic lawn-hose reels, a sewer-gas consumer, a +patent ashes-sifter, etc., etc. It has required a considerable outlay +of money to get stocked up with these things, but we regard them as a +very wise investment. It is wholly consistent with our policy of +economy to provide ourselves with the means of making a marked +reduction in our expenses. We flatter ourselves that before we have +been in our house six months we shall have demonstrated that we are not +upon earth for the purpose of enriching gas companies and other +soulless corporations. +</P> + +<P> +But I think the wisest investment we have made is the insurance policy +which we have taken out on Alice's life. The incident came about so +curiously that I feel inclined to tell it in detail. I was one evening +sitting out in front of our house—the rented one, I mean—watching the +stars gradually making their appearance in the cerulean vault, and I +was marvelling at the endless wonders of the heavenly expanse, when I +became aware that somebody was approaching. I saw that this somebody +was my Sheridan Road friend and neighbor, Treese Smith. He was +whistling softly to himself an air which I did not recognize, but which +my daughter Fanny (who is a music connoisseur) identified as "My Pearl +Is a Bowery Girl." Presuming that he was coming to pay me a neighborly +call, I arose to meet him. Fancy my amazement when upon beholding me +Mr. Smith burst into tears. I do not remember ever to have been more +astounded than by this sudden transition from gayety to grief. I could +hardly find words to ask my friend what trouble had befallen him. +</P> + +<P> +"I was hoping to meet no one," he sobbed, "for I am in no condition of +mind to associate with my fellow-beings." +</P> + +<P> +"It is evident," I interposed, "that some great sorrow has come upon +you; surely you would not hesitate to come to me for sympathy." +</P> + +<P> +"You are right," said Mr. Smith, making a heroic effort to gather +himself together. "It would be selfish of me not to give so dear a +neighbor as you a chance to share my misery. Read this." +</P> + +<P> +He handed me a bit of printed stuff which he had evidently cut from a +newspaper. I stood under the street lamp and read it in this wise: +</P> + +<BR> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +KANSAS CITY, May 23.—During the thunder-storm to-day Mrs. Bolivar +Bowers, wife of the well-known scientist, was struck and destroyed by +lightning. Deceased leaves a husband and five children; no insurance. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +"Ah, I see," said I in my gentlest tone; "she was a dear +friend—perhaps a relative of yours." +</P> + +<P> +"No, not that," said Mr. Smith, still sobbing; "you misinterpret my +grief. This party was in no way akin to me except under that common +descent from the old Adam which makes all humanity brothers and +sisters. I did not know deceased, nor did I ever see her." +</P> + +<P> +"Then why," I asked, in some astonishment, "why are you so moved by the +news of her death?" +</P> + +<P> +"To one of my nature," exclaimed Mr. Smith, "the circumstances detailed +in this item are most painful to contemplate. We find here recorded +the sudden demise of the sole support of a husband and five children—a +wife and mother snatched away by death, leaving a helpless family +without any visible means of support." +</P> + +<P> +"But why without any means of support?" I asked. +</P> + +<P> +"It says so," answered Mr. Smith. "The husband is a scientist and is +therefore by nature and by occupation disqualified for earning a +livelihood." +</P> + +<P> +"Surely enough," said I, "that is quite true." +</P> + +<P> +"Can you picture a more distressing scene," continued Mr. Smith, still +in tears, "than that of this helpless father and his five little ones +standing above that lifeless lady and wondering where their food and +raiment will come from now? It is sad, it is agonizing, it is awful! +And yet it all might have been averted—all this solicitude about the +future. Had Mrs. Bolivar Bowers taken out a policy in my company, the +International Mutual Tontine Life Insurance Company of Paw Paw, +Indiana, the aspect to-day would have been different, and Bolivar +Bowers and his callow brood of little Bowerses would have reason to +bless the rod that smote them. Ah, friend Baker, the International +Mutual Tontine has done a glorious work toward mitigating the wrath of +the grim destroyer; under the grace of its soothing balm bereavement +becomes an actual pleasure, death loses its sting, and the grave its +victory." +</P> + +<P> +From this small, casual beginning followed that train of explanation +and argument upon Mr. Smith's part which led to Alice's taking out a +life policy in the Indiana company. Mr. Smith is a man of broad and +deep human sympathies. Had he not happened upon that newspaper item, +had his heart not gone out in passionate sympathy toward the bereaved +Bolivar Bowers and his little ones, had he not wandered in an +irresponsible paroxysm of grief in the direction of my house that +evening, and had he not confided his sorrow to me—why, then we should +not have known of the greatest of human benefactors, and Alice would +not now be safe (so to speak) in the bosom of the International Mutual +Tontine Life Insurance Company of Paw Paw. +</P> + +<P> +I do not regard these things as accidental; they are special +providences. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap18"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XVIII +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +I STATE MY VIEWS ON TAXATION +</H3> + +<P> +Of the many friends who hastened to congratulate us when they heard +that we had acquired a home, none was more delighted than Gamlin +Harland. I take it for granted that you have read Mr. Harland's +numerous books, and that you know all about Mr. Harland himself. Not +to know of him is to argue one's self unknown. +</P> + +<P> +My first meeting with Mr. Harland was at a single-tax convention six +years ago; he was a delegate to that convention from Wisconsin, and I +was a delegate from Illinois. I was a delegate because the manager of +the party, who lives in New York, could n't find anybody else to serve +as the delegate from the congressional district in which I lived. I +thought that rather than have that district unrepresented I ought to +serve, and so I did. The acquaintance I then made with Gamlin Harland +soon ripened into friendship, and this intimacy has lasted ever since. +Mr. Harland insists that I am a single-tax man, and it may be that I am +in theory, although I certainly am not in practice; for I never have +paid any tax of any kind, be it single or double. +</P> + +<P> +As soon as he heard of our purchase Mr. Harland came out to inspect the +premises, and of course he was delighted. +</P> + +<P> +"This will make a new man of you," said he to me. "It will take your +mind off your impracticable star-gazing and moonshining, and divert +your attention into the channels of realism. These premises are so +spacious as to admit of your engaging to a considerable extent in +agriculture; you can now lay aside the telescope and the spectrum for +the spade and the hoe; the field of speculation can be abandoned for +this noble acre which I hope soon to see smiling into an abundant +harvest." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," said I, "it is my purpose to engage largely in the cultivation +of flowers." +</P> + +<P> +"Pshaw!" cried Mr. Harland, "there you go again! Don't you know that +flowers are wholly worthless except in so far as they pander to the +gratification of a sensuous appetite? It would be a crime to surrender +these opportunities to ignoble uses. You must raise vegetables here, +or perhaps some of the small fruits would thrive better in this rich +sandy soil." +</P> + +<P> +Investigation satisfied Mr. Harland that blackberries were <I>the</I> +particular kind of small fruit to which the soil seemed adapted. I was +not surprised at this, for I knew that the blackberry was a favorite +with Mr. Harland—in fact, Mr. Harland is the only author I know of who +has written a novel whose plot hinges (so to speak) upon a blackberry. +So passionately fond of this fruit is he that he devotes a part of the +year to cultivating blackberries on his Wisconsin farm. There are +invidious persons who intimate that his only reason for cultivating the +blackberry is to be found in the fact that nothing else will grow on +his farm, and presumably you have heard the epigram which the +romanticists have perpetrated at Mr. Harland's expense, and which +represents that ambitious and aggressive gentleman as raising +blackberries in summer and —— in winter. +</P> + +<P> +After getting me thoroughly inoculated with the blackberry idea, and +having duly impressed me with his theory that true manhood consisted of +making one's self unspeakably miserable and sweaty with a shovel and a +hoe, Mr. Harland broached his favorite topic, and ventured the +assertion that now that I was the possessor of taxable property I would +become as rabid a single-tax advocate as Henry George himself. I +answered that I already advocated a single-tax system, for the reason +that if we could only once get a single-tax system in vogue we should +then be but one remove from no taxation at all, and would have less +difficulty in securing that desirable end ultimately. +</P> + +<P> +The truth of the matter is, I object to taxation only in so far as it +affects me. I have no objection to other folk being taxed, but I do +not fancy being taxed myself. I agree with Brother Harland that there +is palpable injustice in making an industrious and public-spirited man +pay for the so-called privilege of building himself a home; he pays the +carpenters and masons and painters for making that home, and he is then +expected to pay the city and the State for having invested his hard +earnings in a permanent enterprise which gives employment to the +laborer, which beautifies the neighborhood, and which enhances the +value of the adjacent property. The object of taxation (as Mr. Harland +asserts and as I believe) is to enrich the office-holding class, a +class of loose morality, utterly heartless and utterly conscienceless, +and I agree with Mr. Harland in the opinion that the time is not far +distant when the honest people of this country will arise as one man +and subvert the corrupt hand of politics which is now grinding us under +the iron heel of oppression. +</P> + +<P> +It is seldom that I give expression to my views upon this subject, for +the reason that I fear they may be misinterpreted. I have always had +an apprehension that I would be mistaken for an anarchist, which I am +not; I am an advocate of peace and of the laws; I do not believe in +violence of any kind. +</P> + +<P> +And now that I am speaking of violence, I am reminded of an incident +which illustrates the thoughtless cruelty of too many of our youth. It +was scarcely two weeks ago that I detected a boy (apparently about +twelve years of age) climbing one of the willow trees in our old +Schmittheimer place. I crept up on him unawares and speedily became +satisfied that he was after the eggs in a bird's nest that nestled +cozily in a crotch of the limbs. I shouted lustily at the young +scapegrace, and his confusion convinced me that my suspicions were +correct. I kept him in his uncomfortable position in the tree until I +had lectured him severely for the cruelty he contemplated and until I +had exacted from him a promise that he would forever thereafter abstain +from the practice of robbing birds' nests. The tears which trickled +down his face assured me no less than his solemn protests did that the +lad was indeed penitent, but the fellow had no sooner descended from +the tree and reached a point of safety the other side of the fence than +he gave utterance to sentiments which wholly disabused my mind of all +faith in his previous professions of reform. +</P> + +<P> +I have never been able to understand what pleasure can accrue from the +spoliation of the homes of birds, the beautiful musical creatures that +contribute so largely toward making the world cheerful. One of the +pleasantest recollections of my boyhood is that in all that active +period I never once killed or wounded a bird or robbed its nest. And I +think that the kindest act I ever did—at least the one which I recall +with the most satisfaction—was my release of a caged bird. A +careless, heedless neighbor had caught and caged a redbird, and the +mournful twittering of the poor creature as he fluttered incessantly +behind the bars of his prison pained and haunted me. The redbird can +never be reconciled to confinement; he is of the forest; the wildness +of his peculiar note indicates the restlessness of his nature. So for +nearly a year the melancholy twittering and the fluttering of that +caged bird haunted me. +</P> + +<P> +One morning—it was in the gracious May time—I awoke early. The sun +was just coming up and was kissing the tears from lovely Nature's face. +The air was full of coolness and of sweet smells. Then, hearing the +querulous note of the imprisoned bird upon the porch yonder, I +determined to set the poor thing free. So I dressed myself and stole +out into the graciousness of the early morning. To my last day I shall +not forget the delight, the rapture, with which that released bird +mounted from the doorway of his cage and sped away! +</P> + +<P> +One of the most treasured relics I have is a poem which my father wrote +when I was a little boy. My father was a native of Maine, but for all +that he was a man of sentiment and he had much literary taste, and +ability, too. The poem which he gave me, and which I have always +treasured, will (if I am not grievously in error) touch a responsive +chord in many a human heart, for all humanity looks back with +tenderness to the time of youth. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +THE MORNING BIRD<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +A bird sat in the maple tree<BR> +And this was the song he sang to me:<BR> +"O little boy, awake, arise!<BR> +The sun is high in the morning skies;<BR> +The brook's a-play in the pasture lot<BR> +<SPAN STYLE="margin-left: 1em">And wondereth that the little boy</SPAN><BR> +It loveth dearly cometh not<BR> +<SPAN STYLE="margin-left: 1em">To share its turbulence and joy;</SPAN><BR> +The grass hath kisses cool and sweet<BR> +For truant little brown bare feet—<BR> +So come, O child, awake, arise!<BR> +The sun is high in the morning skies!"<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +So from the yonder maple tree<BR> +The bird kept singing unto me;<BR> +But that was very long ago—<BR> +I did not think—I did not know—<BR> +Else would I not have longer slept<BR> +<SPAN STYLE="margin-left: 1em">And dreamt the precious hours away;</SPAN><BR> +Else would I from my bed have leapt<BR> +<SPAN STYLE="margin-left: 1em">To greet another happy day—</SPAN><BR> +A day, untouched of care and ruth,<BR> +With sweet companionship of youth—<BR> +The dear old friends which you and I<BR> +Knew in the happy years gone by!<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +Still in the maple can be heard<BR> +The music of the morning bird,<BR> +And still the song is of the day<BR> +That runneth o'er with childish play;<BR> +Still of each pleasant old-time place<BR> +<SPAN STYLE="margin-left: 1em">And of the old-time friends I knew—</SPAN><BR> +The pool where hid the furtive dace,<BR> +<SPAN STYLE="margin-left: 1em">The lot the brook went scampering through;</SPAN><BR> +The mill, the lane, the bellflower tree<BR> +That used to love to shelter me—<BR> +And all those others I knew <I>then</I>,<BR> +But which I cannot know again!<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +Alas! from yonder maple tree<BR> +The morning bird sings not to me;<BR> +Else would his ghostly voice prolong<BR> +An evening, not a morning, song<BR> +And he would tell of each dear spot<BR> +<SPAN STYLE="margin-left: 1em">I knew so well and cherished then,</SPAN><BR> +As all forgetting, not forgot<BR> +<SPAN STYLE="margin-left: 1em">By him who would be young again!</SPAN><BR> +O child, the voice from yonder tree<BR> +Calleth to <I>you</I>, and not to <I>me</I>;<BR> +So wake and know those friendships all<BR> +I would to God I could recall!<BR> +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap19"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XIX +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +OTHER PEOPLE'S DOGS +</H3> + +<P> +When I discovered one morning that my young sunflowers and my tomato +vines had been cut down during the night by some lawless depredator I +was mightily incensed. I had not supposed that there was anybody so +mean as to commit such a wanton destruction. The value of the property +destroyed was not large; I had paid but five cents apiece for the +twenty tomato vines, and the young sunflowers were a present from Fadda +Pierce. The intrinsic value of these things was so small as to cut no +figure in my mind, but having watched the graceful creatures wax large +and comely from mere sprouts it was quite natural that I should have a +strong sentimental attachment for them. For the fruit of the tomato +vine I care nothing, but I had with much satisfaction pictured the +enjoyment which Alice and the children would derive from the luscious +tomatoes which I flattered myself were to ripen upon our own vines +under the genial August sun. +</P> + +<P> +Moreover, I had already made up a list of the names of city friends to +whom I intended to send handsome specimens of these first fruits of my +experiments in farming; the Reillys, the Lynches, the Chapins, the +Maxwells, the Scotts, the Fayes, the Deweys, the Morrises, the +Millards, the Larneds, the Fletchers, the Ways—these and other +fortunate cronies were to be made recipients of my bounty in case the +fruit held out. I will say nothing of the pleasing future I depicted +for the sunflowers; the sunflower is a particular favorite of mine, +presumably because it is one of the very few flowers I am capable of +identifying. +</P> + +<P> +My impulse, when beholding the tomato vines and sunflowers cut down in +the innocence of youth, was to determine not to pursue gardening +further. To this mood succeeded a fit of anger, and I was so outraged +by the destruction I beheld that I would cheerfully have given any sum +of money I could have borrowed of my neighbors for information leading +to the apprehension of the perpetrator of this brutal wrong. +</P> + +<P> +As it was, I wrote out an offer of five dollars reward upon a sheet of +letter paper and nailed it with four large wire nails to a maple tree +in front of the place, where all passers-by could see and read it. +Later in the day I went to tell Fadda Pierce of the trouble which had +befallen me, and he consoled me with the assurance that the work of +destruction had been wrought—not by a human being, as I had surmised, +but by cutworms, a kind of reptile that plies its nefarious trade +between two days for no other apparent purpose than that of making +gentlemen farmers like myself miserable. +</P> + +<P> +Fadda Pierce told me that Paris green was an effective antidote against +these destructive worms, and I have ordered a barrel of it from the +city. I intend to spread a layer of this Paris green over all our +flower and vegetable beds; the contrast thus presented to the dull, +sere brown of our lawn will be very pleasing to the eye. In fact, I am +not sure that it would not be cheaper to color our whole lawn with +Paris green than to attempt to revise it with water, which can be used +with legal liberality only between the first of November and the first +of May. +</P> + +<P> +By way of illustrating what a mockery our national Department of +Agriculture is, I will say that I wrote to Secretary Morton about the +cutworms and asked that he suggest an antidote against the same. +Although five weeks have elapsed since I dispatched that letter I have +had no word of any kind from the Department of Agriculture. I feel the +slight all the more keenly because I am a personal acquaintance of +Secretary Morton's, having been introduced to and shaken hands with him +at the quadrennial convention of the Western Academy of Science at +Omaha in 1884. Prompt attention to my letter was due on the score of +old friendship. The Secretary of Agriculture will recognize his error +in offending me if ever he becomes a candidate for the presidency. +Reuben Baker never forgets an affront. +</P> + +<P> +But, though my sunflowers and my tomato vines suffered as I have +narrated, my potatoes were doing finely. The potato patch is located +in the back yard, near the poplar trees; it is in the shape of the Big +Dipper, and I took the precaution to plant the potatoes in the new of +the moon. The first planting never amounted to anything, for the +reason that I peeled them and cut out the eyes before putting them in +their hills. I learned subsequently that this was as fatal a course as +it were possible to pursue. You must never peel potatoes or cut out +their eyes if you want them to grow. I do not know why this is so, but +it is. At any rate, the second crop I planted was a success. Every +day I dug down into the hills to see how the potatoes were progressing, +and I was thus enabled to keep track of the development of the tender +fruit. +</P> + +<P> +My young friend Budd Taylor provided me with a dozen ears of seed +popcorn which I planted in a warm, bright spot and which soon bristled +up in splendid style. I think it likely that, but for the birds, I +should have had a crop of popcorn sufficient to supply the Chicago +market, for I never before saw anything like that corn for luxuriance +and thrift. How the birds ever found out about it will doubtless +remain a mystery. +</P> + +<P> +The birds I refer to proved to be blackbirds, although for a time I +mistook them for young crows. One morning I detected about three dozen +of the poaching rogues stalking through the grass in the direction of +my corn-patch, and, almost before I knew it, the feathered rascals had +played havoc with my promising crop of popcorn. Then I remembered that +I had read and seen pictures in books of scarecrows; so I dressed up a +figure and set it up near the corn patch. It was really a very good +counterfeit of a man, as indeed it ought to have been, for the clothing +I used was far from ragged, and Alice had been intending to send it to +a poor relative of hers in Nebraska. +</P> + +<P> +The night after I had set up this lay figure in the yard a policeman +came along Clarendon Avenue for the first time in his professional +career. He espied the figure in the yard and at once mistook it for a +thief who had come to steal our lawn hose. With a gallantry and with a +devotion to duty which cannot be too highly commended, the intrepid +policeman opened fire with his revolver and put seven holes through the +scarecrow before he discovered his mistake. +</P> + +<P> +The cannonading awakened Major Ryson, one of the nearest neighbors, and +that discreet gentleman immediately set his bull terrier loose. This +sagacious but vindictive animal bore down upon the scene of action and +treed the policeman the first thing. Having expended all his +ammunition upon the lay figure, the policeman had no means of +interchanging compliments with his assailant, and was therefore +compelled to spend the night in a willow. Meanwhile the bull terrier +encountered the scarecrow, and, mistaking it for a human being, soon +tore that unfortunate object into ten thousand pieces. Next day our +lawn was literally strewn with straw and buttons and remnants of what +had once been a very decent suit of clothes. +</P> + +<P> +This reference to Major Ryson's bull terrier reminds me of the visit +which the Baylors' dog paid to our new premises. The Baylors' dog is a +St. Bernard about a year old and weighing one hundred and seventy-five +pounds. Most of the time this amiable leviathan is confined in the +Baylors' back yard, a spot hardly large enough to admit of the +leviathan's turning around in it. The evening to which I refer the +Baylors made a pilgrimage to our new house for the purpose of +ascertaining whether we had put in a copper kitchen sink or a +galvanized iron one. I can't imagine what possessed them to do it, but +they took the St. Bernard with them. The sense of freedom which this +playful beast felt upon being let loose in our extensive yard proved +wholly uncontrollable, and while the Baylors were investigating the +sink question the amiable leviathan gallivanted about the premises with +that elephantine exuberance which is to be expected of a St. Bernard +one year old and weighing one hundred and seventy-five pounds. Adah +(who has an eye to the beautiful) had planted a vast number of +nasturtiums and red geraniums, and under one of the oak trees had +trained numerous graceful, dainty vines, which, as I recall, are known +to horticultural amateurs as 'cobies. +</P> + +<P> +In the twinkling of an eye the Baylor leviathan swept these blossoming +innocents out of existence, and in other twinklings he wrought +desolation among the peonies, the pansies, and other floral objects +upon which the women folk had lavished a wealth of patient care. A +bull in a china-shop could hardly create the havoc which the Baylor +pup, with his one hundred and seventy-five pounds of animal spirits, +wrought in our lawn. Next morning the lawn looked as if it had been +honored with a nocturnal visitation from Burr Robbins' galaxy of +domesticated wild beasts. +</P> + +<P> +Curiously enough, the Baylors thought it was very funny. I don't know +why it is, but it can't be denied that it <I>is</I> a fact that those acts +which in other people's pups strike us as strangely improper, become in +our own pups the most natural and most mirth-provoking performances in +the world. I recall the anger with which neighbor Baylor drove +neighbor Macleod's mastiff off his porch one evening because that +mastiff attempted to make his way through the screen door behind which +the family cat was visible. In this instance the Macleod mastiff was +simply following the predominating instinct of the canine kind, and +neighbor Baylor hated the unreasonable beast for it. Yet I 'll warrant +me that while his own lubberly pup was prancing around over our +flowerbeds neighbor Baylor regarded the performance as the most cunning +and most charming divertisement in the world. +</P> + +<P> +It is much the same way with children. If I were put upon oath, I +should have to admit that the very same antics which I regard as most +seemly (not to say fascinating) in my own pretty little darlings I do +not approve of at all when I see them attempted by the awkward, homely +children of my neighbors. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap20"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XX +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +I ACQUIRE POISON AND EXPERIENCE +</H3> + +<P> +There is no telling to what unparalleled extent I should have carried +my agricultural work but for a happening which interrupted my career in +that direction and temporarily invalidated me for the performance of +all manual labor. To make short of a long and painful story, I will +tell you at once that in the very midst of my agricultural triumphs I +was rudely awakened to a realization of the fact that I had been badly +poisoned by ivy. The luxuriant growth in one part of our lawn which in +my innocence I had mistaken for infant oak trees and had nurtured with +great assiduity proved to be the poison vine which is shunned alike of +knowing man and beast. +</P> + +<P> +The truth about this insiduous [Transcriber's note: insidious?] plant +was not revealed to me until after the harm was done. I awoke one +night to find my hands and wrists afflicted with so pestiferous an +itching that it verily seemed to me as if the points of ten thousand +thousand hot needles were being thrust into my cuticle. There are no +words capable of expressing how torturesome this affliction is; to my +physical suffering there was added a distinct mental disquietude +arising from a sense of injustice that nature, supposed to be so +benignant to her friends, should have punished me so grievously for +having sought to cultivate and foster her arts. +</P> + +<P> +I was shocked, too, to discover that my misfortune awakened no feeling +of sympathy in others; nay, my neighbors seemed to regard it rather as +a joke that I, a scientist of no mean ability (if I <I>do</I> say it +myself), should have fallen victim to the commonest and most vicious of +all destroyers of human happiness. The amount of badinage, sarcasm, +and irony indulged in by these unfeeling folk at the expense of +"Farmer" Baker (as they now jocosely dubbed me) would fill a royal +octavo volume. I assure you that I regarded this species of humor as +impertinent to the degree of atrocity. +</P> + +<P> +My family physician, Dr. Hodges, prescribed several vials of pellets +which bore a striking resemblance to one another, but whose virtues I +was solemnly assured depended wholly upon my strict observance of the +<I>ordo</I> of their administration internally, which <I>ordo</I> may have been +simple and clear enough to Dr. Hodges, but was to me as intricate and +complicated as a Bradshaw railway guide. Furthermore, having +ascertained by artful inquiry what viands and beverages I particularly +liked, Dr. Hodges strictly forbade my indulgence in them, and such +articles of food and drink as I was particularly averse to be +recommended for my diet. Meanwhile I was meeting constantly with +people who had been afflicted with ivy poisoning, and these kind, +cheery souls encouraged me with recitals of their experiences. I was +told that it took seven years for ivy poison to get out of the system; +that every year during the ivy season (whatever that may mean) there +would be a recurrence of this pestiferous eruption, sometimes in one +part of the body, sometimes in another, and not unfrequently upon the +whole surface. There were, of course, numerous nostrums warranted to +allay the fiery tingling and maddening stinging of the malady, and, as +I cheerfully adopted every suggestion that came to my ears, I was +presently stocked up with enough salves and solutions to fill an +apothecary-shop, and my associates began to complain that I was as +redolent of odors as a chemical laboratory. Naturally enough, +therefore, I became morbid and despondent, and began to regard myself +as a mercilessly afflicted and shunned thing. +</P> + +<P> +But amid all this trouble there came to me one big, bright ray of +satisfaction. I remembered that, when Alice took out a life policy +with neighbor Treese Smith, I also took out an accident policy with the +same gentleman in the Wabash Mutual Internecine Association of Indiana. +There was, as you can well understand, a heap of consolation in the +thought that no matter how little or how much or how long I suffered, +the Wabash concern would have to pay for it. As I recollected, the +insurance was fifty dollars a week during incapacity for work. If, +therefore, the ivy poison remained in my system seven years, the amount +of insurance due me would be—let me see: +</P> + +<P> +Seven years—three hundred and sixty-four weeks. +</P> + +<P> +Three hundred and sixty-four weeks at fifty dollars per week—eighteen +thousand two hundred dollars. +</P> + +<P> +This was, indeed, a considerable sum of money! I began to understand +that, viewed from a purely business standpoint, my affliction might +become financially profitable. It even occurred to me that in case the +Wabash company paid promptly, and I got used to the tearing ebullitions +of the ivy poison, I might contrive to get a renewal of the malady at +the end of the first seven years. I wondered that, with this +opportunity of getting rich cum otio et cum dignitate, there were so +many poor people in the world; however, I mentally resolved not to +discover my shrewd plan to anybody else. +</P> + +<P> +When I called upon neighbor Treese Smith I was prudent enough to let +him know that I probably had the worst case of ivy poisoning ever heard +of, and with more than common pride I exhibited to him my hands and +wrists in confirmation of my claims. Mr. Smith (whom you already know +as a man of tender feelings and broad sympathies) expressed himself as +being very sorry for me, and he asked me if I had tried certain +remedies, which he named. +</P> + +<P> +As it was another kind of remedy I was after, I adroitly led the +conversation up to the proper point, and then I intimated that it would +not harrow up my feelings if I were tendered a payment on account of my +accident policy in the Wabash Mutual Internecine Association of +Indiana. I liked Smith, and I felt that I ought to be candid with him. +I told him that it was pretty generally agreed by the medical +profession that when a person once got a dose of poison ivy it remained +in his system for seven years, during which period it worked its +baleful offices off and on with varying malignance. I recognized the +fact that I had a valid claim on the Wabash company for fifty dollars a +week for seven years; that the total amount of money due or paid me by +said company at the end of the natural life of the ivy poison would be +a trifle over eighteen thousand dollars. I told Mr. Smith that I was +not disposed to take advantage of or to be too hard on the Wabash +company, and that, being naturally of a conservative disposition, I was +willing to compromise this matter for—say—well—ten thousand dollars, +and cancel the policy. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Smith answered me in the tone and with the manner of one who is +seeking to break bad news gradually and gently to another. +</P> + +<P> +"It is painfully clear to me," said the kind, sympathetic man, "that +you have not read the conditions upon which your accident policy is +issued to you. I fear that when you come to examine it more carefully +you will learn that in this case you have no claims upon our +company—or, perhaps, I should say <I>the</I> company, since I am merely its +agent and have nothing to do with the framing of its contracts." +</P> + +<P> +"I have the instrument with me," said I, producing the policy. "I have +read it carefully and understand it fully. It is a simple, short, +straightforward document, and the type is so big and clear that even a +child could read it." +</P> + +<P> +"Alas," said Mr. Smith, with a sigh, "I fear you have not read the +conditions; you will find them on the other side of the sheet, printed +in small type." +</P> + +<P> +I turned the page, and surely enough there were a number of paragraphs +under the title of "The Conditions"; they were printed in small type +and pale-blue ink. +</P> + +<P> +"But what have 'conditions' to do with this case?" I asked. "I got +insured in the Wabash Mutual Internecine company against accident, and +here I 've had an accident! Ivy poison is as severe an accident as can +happen to any animal, except, perhaps, an alligator or a rhinoceros, +and I think I 'm entitled to my money." +</P> + +<P> +"You are quite right from your standpoint," said Mr. Smith, "but it is +not the correct standpoint. You are insured (as you will see by +referring to your policy) as an A No. 1 risk. Turn to the conditions, +and you will observe that our A No. 1 risks are insured against +accident by lightning only. If, now, you had been struck by lightning +instead of by ivy, and if the subtle electric fluid had impaired your +physical economy, or imparted to your veins any noxious rheum or any +venom wherefrom either temporary or permanent harm or disquietude +accrued to you, then you would have a legal and just claim against +our—I mean <I>the</I> company." +</P> + +<P> +"But I supposed I was insured against every kind of accident," said I. +"When it comes to getting pay for an accident, a dislocation of a toe +is quite as desirable, in my opinion, as a broken neck." +</P> + +<P> +"Ah, but insurance companies must differentiate," said Mr. Smith. +"There are so many kinds of accidents that it is absolutely necessary +to have grades and classes and differences and distinctions. You are +insured against lightning: you belong to A No. 1. If you were insured +against a broken leg you would be in X No. 2, or against a sprained +wrist in H No. 3. My recollection is that our policies of insurance +against poison ivy are written in Q No. 4, but I am not positive. If, +however, you care to profit by this annoying experience and desire to +insure against ivy poison, I will look the matter up the first thing +to-morrow and write you out a policy at once. In your case the policy +should be made out for a period of fourteen years, since your present +dose of poison will not lose its efficacy for seven years, and that +will render insurance taken <I>after the fact</I> inoperative." +</P> + +<P> +There was a heavy thunder shower the next day, and I stood out in it +all the time in the hope of getting a chance to claim remuneration from +the Wabash Mutual Internecine Association. But the lightning dodged me +as if I had been a sacred and charmed object. I made up my mind that +it was folly to try to get even with the insurance concern, and since a +farming career was now closed against me, I determined to devote my +spare time to watching the progress of affairs inside our new house and +to coöperate with Alice and Adah and our feminine neighbors in their +herculean task of "having things as they should be." +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap21"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XXI +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +WITH PLUMBERS AND PAINTERS +</H3> + +<P> +It did not take me long to find out that, in the treatment of the +interior of the new house, Alice had fallen a victim to the influence +of the Denslow-Baylor-Maria schools. I was not much surprised by this +discovery, for I had known for some time that Alice regarded the +Denslows and the Baylors as people of rare taste, and it was quite +natural (as every unprejudiced person will allow) that, associating +with Adah continually and being bound to her by ties of consanguinity, +Alice should be susceptible to Adah's hortations, incitements, +impulsations, and instigations. +</P> + +<P> +At any rate, I found that our new house was to be a conspicuous +intermingling and interblending of the Denslow, Baylor, and Maria +styles of architecture. The big front room downstairs, the library, +was distinctly Denslowish, and so was the big front room up-stairs, as +well as the butler's pantry and the reception-room. The Baylor +influence manifested itself in the spare bedroom and the dining-room, +and the Maria influence (thanks to Adah) was clearly exhibited in the +front and side porches, in my bedroom, and in the several hallways. +Alice insisted that the house was to be strictly old colonial and also +requested me to speak of it as such in the presence of visitors, +particularly in the hearing of her relatives from the country when they +came into the city next September to do their winter buying. +</P> + +<P> +In my fancy I can already picture the dear girl putting on airs with +those guileless rural folk who know no more about the architectural and +the decorative arts than an unclouted Patagonian knows of the four +houses of the Jesuitical order. Nor do I know much about those things, +and I am glad that I do not, for if I had devoted my early years of +study to plinths, architraves, columns, dados, friezes, pediments, +sconces, wainscots, cornices, capitals, entablatures, and such like, +how could I have originated my theory of star-drift and how would +humanity have been enlightened upon the all-important subjects of the +asteroids, the satellites of the star Gamma in Scorpio, the atmosphere +on the other side of the moon, the depth of the Martian bottle-neck +seas, the probability of the existence of natural gas wells in Jupiter, +etc., etc.? If I had been a Linnaeus or a Buffon instead of Reuben +Baker, I should have never suffered myself to fall an innocent victim +to poison ivy—yes, that is true, but at the same time my now famous +theory of double stars and my equally famous theory as to the several +elements in comets' tails would have been denied to the world. No one +man can combine within himself all human genius; in all modesty I +declare myself satisfied with being simply Reuben Baker. +</P> + +<P> +While I devoted my attention to out-of-door affairs—by which I mean +care of the lawn, of the flower-beds, and of the vegetable patches—I +had a comparatively tranquil existence. Having transferred the base of +my operations (or perhaps I should say my observations) indoors, I +found numerous disagreements and misunderstandings to distract me. I +was not long in finding out that there were two factions (so to speak) +in charge of the department of the interior. Parties of the first part +were Alice and all our feminine neighbors; party of the second part was +Uncle Si. +</P> + +<P> +You see, there had never been anything more explicit than a verbal +understanding between Uncle Si and Alice; the two had talked the matter +all over at the start, and they agreed upon every theory so nicely that +I do not wonder they decided that a written contract was not necessary. +Uncle Si did some figuring which resulted in his saying that he would +reconstruct the old house and build an addition for the even sum of two +thousand dollars. Very few specifications were made, but there was a +pretty clear verbal understanding reached, and the consequence was as +distinct a misunderstanding as the work progressed. Most of the +trouble was over the detail of hardwood. Alice was sure that Uncle Si +had agreed to put in hardwood floors and trimmings throughout; Uncle Si +expostulated that he had never thought of so preposterous a project, +since it would have bankrupted him as sure as his name was Silas Plum. +</P> + +<P> +The result was that Alice never went near the new house that she did +not groan and moan and declare that Georgia pine was simply the +horridest wood in all the world, while, upon the other hand, Uncle Si +speedily came to regard Alice as an arch enemy who was seeking to trick +and impoverish him. The neighbors sided with Alice, of course. They +freely expressed the conviction that Uncle Si and all other contractors +would bear constant watching. It is perhaps needless for me to add +that Uncle Si regarded all neighbors as impertinent and mischievous +intermeddlers. +</P> + +<P> +I will confess that of all the workmen about the place the plumbers +interested me most. They came late and quit early, and much of the +intervening time was spent in asking one another questions and in +ordering one another about. No tool was at hand when it was required. +If the pliers were needed the whole gang of plumbers stopped work to +hunt for the missing instrument, which was sometimes found in one +remote spot and sometimes in another—never where it should have been. +I have a theory that for reasons best known to themselves plumbers make +a practice of mislaying and losing their tools. +</P> + +<P> +I supposed that having once begun their work these plumbers would push +it to completion. I never undertake anything that I do not keep at it +until it is done and finished, and I think that this rule obtains among +most of the professions and trades. Plumbers seem, however, to be a +privileged class. They come to your premises and spend an hour or two +examining what is to be done; then they go away. When they get ready +to come back they return—this time with a miniature furnace and +whatever tools they do not require. Then they go away to bring the +tools they need, leaving the tools they do not require for a pretext +for another trip. Then they take turns at suggesting how the proposed +work should be done, and one after another they get down upon their +knees and peer into closets and holes and under floors and into dark +places, after which some of them go back to the "shop," for more +things, while the others either sit around doing nothing or busy +themselves at losing and mislaying the tools they have already at hand. +</P> + +<P> +Uncle Si, who is an authority on the subject, says that there never was +a plumber who died of overwork or in the poorhouse. He tells me that +he once knew of a plumber named Bilkins who fell dead of heart disease +one day when he discovered that he had worked four minutes overtime. +</P> + +<P> +The boss painter was another individual who excited my astonishment. I +never knew another man so fertile in the art of prevarication. Mr. +Krome would rather lie than eat—at any rate, he would rather lie than +paint. He never neglected to come over twice a day and take a long and +careful survey of the house. +</P> + +<P> +"I reckon you 're about ready for us, eh?" he 'd ask. +</P> + +<P> +"We 're waiting on you," Uncle Si would say. +</P> + +<P> +"Then I 'll have to put my gang at work in the mornin'," he would +answer. This performance was repeated again and again, but the "gang" +we looked for did not come. I remonstrated against this seeming +neglect, but Mr. Krome blandly assured me that when his men did once +get to work they would push the job with incredible speed. I knew he +was a liar, yet I always believed the fellow. +</P> + +<P> +We gave him the glazing to do. We even accommodated him to the extent +of sending the window frames to his shop instead of making him haul +them himself. We did this out of no special regard for Mr. Krome, for, +aside from pure selfish considerations, Mr. Krome is no more to us than +we are to Hecuba; but we desired to facilitate him in the work he had +engaged to do for us. +</P> + +<P> +After the window frames had been at the fellow's shop a fortnight, I +began to suggest that their return would gratify me to the degree of +rapture. Mr. Krome put us off with one excuse and another (all equally +plausible) and presently a month had rolled by. Like the man in the +fable who tried brickbats when kind words were no longer of avail, I +threatened to turn the work of glazing over to another glazier who was +not so busy with his lying as to prevent him from attending to the +duties of his legitimate trade. This served as a mild remedy, for the +window frames presently began to arrive one at a time, and I actually +felt like calling upon our pastor for a special service of praise and +thanksgiving when finally those windows were all in place. +</P> + +<P> +The one thing that Alice, the neighbors, Uncle Si, and I were amicably +agreed upon was the opinion that Mr. Krome, for a boss painter, was not +worth the powder to blow him off the face of the earth. I felt tempted +to tell him so, but he was at all times so amiable and so chatty that I +really could not find the heart to mention a matter likely to interrupt +the flow of his good nature. The chances are that Mr. Krome +entertained much the same opinion of Uncle Si that Uncle Si had of Mr. +Krome. My somewhat intimate association with workingmen for the last +three months enables me to say that, so far as I have been able to +observe, workingmen often have a precious poor opinion of one another. +The plumbers talk of the carpenters as lazy and shiftless, the painters +speak ill of the plumbers, the carpenters regard the tinners with +derision, and so it goes through the whole category. +</P> + +<P> +Now that I come to think of it, I am compelled to admit that this +practice of setting a low estimate upon the endeavors and +responsibilities of others is not restricted to the workingman's class. +I blush to recall how often I myself have envied the apparent ease with +which Belville Rock and Bobbett Doller stem the tide of human affairs +while I labor on and on, barely eking out a subsistence. So far as I +can see, they toil not, neither do they spin. +</P> + +<P> +The chances are, on the other hand, that both Belville Rock and Colonel +Doller regard me as the luckiest of lazy dogs, who has but to lie on +his back and look at sun, moon, and stars to earn both fame and +fortune. The farmer's candid conviction is that the city man is a +fellow who does nothing and gets rich at it; the urban resident is +quite as positive that the farmer habitually loafs around and lets God +do the rest. The truth of this whole matter is that all humanity is +prone to discontentment of that kind which not only denies happiness to +oneself but also begrudges others the happiness they achieve. +</P> + +<P> +But of this frailty I shall speak no further; indeed, I do not +understand how I happened to be led into this line of discourse, for it +is quite at a tangent with the subject I had in mind—namely, the +butler's pantry. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap22"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XXII +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +THE BUTLER'S PANTRY +</H3> + +<P> +In the good old days, which were, of course, the days when you and I +were boys and girls together at Biddeford, Me., our civilization knew +nothing of that miserable invention which is now foisted upon the +modern house under the name of butler's pantry. In those good old days +we used to have pantries and china closets and butteries and all that +sort of thing, and people were contented. +</P> + +<P> +At the present time, however, civilization is so curiously possessed of +a desire to ape the customs of European society that every kind of +innovation is seized upon with enthusiasm and without any apparent +regard for the derision and contempt to which it renders us liable. In +my opinion (which is sustained by such an eminent authority as Lawyer +Miles) the butler's pantry without the butler is as absurd a +contrivance as a carriage without a horse or a purse without gold or +silver to put therein. Yet there is not, I presume to say, a tenement +house in all this city that has not its butler's pantry; without this +adjunct no home is considered complete, and it makes no difference +whether "the lady of the house" does her own work or is able to employ +female servants, the butler's pantry is a sine qua non. +</P> + +<P> +I told Alice that I regarded a butler's pantry much in the light of a +last year's bird's nest, and I added that since we were going to have a +butler's pantry minus the butler I supposed the next move would be in +the direction of a wine cellar minus the wine. But my humor is wholly +lost upon Alice; since she began training with other householders that +superior woman has exhibited a strange indifference to my suggestions +and counsel. +</P> + +<P> +I mentioned Lawyer Miles a moment ago. This gives me the opportunity +of saying that my sympathies have gone out with enthusiasm toward that +gifted man ever since I heard him remark, not very long ago, that he +liked to have things cluttered up in his house. I am not able to +define the compound "cluttered-up," but it conveys to my mind a meaning +that is perfectly clear, and it suggests conditions which are pleasing +to me. I, too, like to have things cluttered up. The most dreadful +day in the week is, to my thinking, Friday—not because we invariably +have fried fish upon that day, but because it is upon Friday that a +vandal hired girl appears in my study and, under the direction of my +wife, proceeds to "put things in shape." Alice insists that I am not +orderly or methodical, yet amid all the so-called disorder of my study +I can at any moment lay my hands upon any chart or map or book or paper +I require, provided everything is left just where I drop it. +</P> + +<P> +My doctrine about such things is that books and charts and papers were +made for use and are therefore of the greatest utility when most +available. When I am at work I like my tools around me; if they are +not handy, my work is interrupted, and an interruption often breaks the +train of thought and renders impotent or at least mediocre an endeavor +which elsewise would be excellent. In their ambition to "put things in +shape," and to give me an object lesson in order and method, Alice and +her vandal hired girl hide my tools of trade, disposing of my books, +papers, and pens, and even of my slippers, in such ingenious wise as to +keep me busy for hours finding these necessities and replacing them +where they will be available. +</P> + +<P> +I thought that Alice and her mercenary were the only women in the world +addicted to this weekly practice, but from what Lawyer Miles and other +married men tell me I gather that there are other wives in the world +quite as possessed of the seven devils of order and method as Alice is. +</P> + +<P> +To return to that other matter: Alice has hinted to me that she intends +to store a great deal of my own porcelain and pottery away in the +butler's pantry. I had hoped that when we got into the new house we +should have plenty of space for displaying the platters, plates, bowls, +teapots, etc., etc., to which age has added a special charm, and the +collection of which has involved the expenditure of much time and money +upon my part. +</P> + +<P> +I am convinced, however, that Alice intends to hide all these beautiful +old specimens away; the butler's pantry is evidently for this purpose. +I have not questioned Alice about it, but (to use Uncle Si's favorite +expression) "it's dollars to doughnuts" that Alice is figuring on +displaying her sixty-dollar set of new porcelain in the new glass +cabinet in the dining-room, while my rare antiques—among them the blue +platter, which was sent me from New Orleans, and which belonged +originally to the pirate Lafitte—are relegated to the dim mysterious +shelves of the butler's pantry, where dust will obscure them and +spiders make them their favorite romping grounds. I intend to ask +Lawyer Miles what he would do under like circumstances. +</P> + +<P> +There is a sink in the butler's pantry, but it is wholly superfluous. +I am told that this adjunct is useful in washing such dishes and +glassware as are too precious to be sent to the kitchen. All this +sounds very fine, but the practice is to whew the tableware of all +kinds into the kitchen, whether there be a sink in the butler's pantry +or not. My grandmother (and my mother, too) never suffered a servant +to wash the fine porcelain or the cut glass; that responsible task was +always reserved for the housewife herself, and the result was that no +porcelain was chipped and no cut glass cracked. They sent me an old +willow teapot from Biddeford, and it had n't been with us three weeks +before our Celtic cook marred its symmetry by chipping off its +venerable nozzle. +</P> + +<P> +The only reason why so many charming bits of china have come down to us +from the last century is that our grandmothers and our mothers cared +for these things and protected them from rough usage. But, bless your +soul! do you suppose Alice could be induced to bare her arms and apply +herself to the task of washing a stack of antique porcelain or a row of +cut-glass tumblers? No, not for the entire wealth of Wedgewood or the +combined output of Dresden and of Sèvres! +</P> + +<P> +Mrs. Baylor tells me that I am doing the butler's pantry a grave +injustice; that the servants will use it, and that it will prove a +great convenience. I do not wish to appear unreasonable and I am +willing to concede that the servants will utilize the pantry and its +death-dealing sink. It is very probable that under their auspices the +slaughter of china and of glassware will be continued; it moots not to +the average hired-girl whether the sink be in the kitchen or the +butler's pantry, upon the housetop or in the bowels of the earth; the +work of destruction goes on at four dollars a week and every Thursday +out. +</P> + +<P> +It was during the pantry agitation that Mr. Patrick Devoe came into our +lives. He approached us one sweltering afternoon and introduced +himself with all the urbanity of a native of Glanmire, County Cork. He +praised our house and our premises and my wife and our children. We +wondered what he was driving at, but he didn't keep us in suspense very +long, for he was, as he assured us, a business man from the word "go." +He was, it appeared, the proprietor of a street-sprinkling cart, and +the object of his call upon us was to crave the boon of sprinkling +Clarendon Avenue in front of our place at the merely nominal price of +ten cents a day. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Devoe could hardly have called at a time more favorable to his +interests. The day was, as I have already intimated, oppressively hot: +there was a stiff wind from the south and the dust rolled up the avenue +in clouds. Mr. Devoe represented to us that the other people in the +neighborhood had contracted for his services and our reputation belied +us if we were unwilling to secure at a paltry financial outlay what +would contribute to our comfort and health. This persuasive gentleman +assured us that, under the benign influence of his sprinkling cart, +Clarendon Avenue would presently become one of the most popular of +suburban driveways. Hither would equipages come from every quarter, +and the thoroughfare eventually would be famed as the coolest, +shadiest, and most fashionable in Chicago. +</P> + +<P> +Furthermore Mr. Devoe represented that the trees, shrubbery, and grass +of our premises would be directly benefited by his sprinkling cart; the +gracious flood of water, distributed twice a day by his itinerant cart, +would not only lay the dust of the highway, but also permeate and +circulate through the contiguous soil, bearing refreshment and health +to tree, plant, and flower alike. The vigor of vegetation meant much +to humanity; by this means an abundance of ozone would be supplied to +the circumambient atmosphere, insuring healthful sleep and general +reinvigoration to man, woman, and child. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Devoe's presentation of the facts and possibilities was so +convincing that both Alice and I recognized the propriety of securing +his services. The sum of ten cents per diem seemed very trifling; it +was not until after Mr. Devoe had departed with our contract in his +pocket that we began to realize that, however insignificant ten cents +per diem might be, seventy cents per week was not to be sneezed at, +while twenty-one dollars for the season was simply a gross +extravagance. I was in favor of recalling and annulling our contract +with Mr. Devoe, but Alice insisted that we should keep strictly in line +with the other neighbors, doing nothing likely to stigmatize us either +as mean or as unfashionable. +</P> + +<P> +A day or two after this incident a ruffianly looking fellow called on +us to "make arrangements," as he said, about hauling away our garbage +when we got moved into our new house. I told the fellow that the city +sent a garbage wagon around every week to remove the garbage free of +cost. To this the fellow replied that the city did its work +carelessly, that the wagon was invariably overloaded, and that no +reliance could be placed upon the garbage boxes being emptied if that +responsible duty were intrusted to the city employés. +</P> + +<P> +The fellow seemed to know what he was talking about, and his +representations were so fair that finally I agreed to pay him +twenty-five cents a week for hauling the garbage away. That evening I +heard from Mr. Baylor that the scheme was a vulgar bit of blackmail; +that the fellow was driver for one of the city wagons and made a +practice of extorting fees from householders for doing work which he +was already paid to do. I felt grievously outraged and I threatened to +report this infamy to the municipal authorities. But Mr. Baylor and +other friends assured me that these infamous practices of blackmail +were encouraged at the City Hall, and that I would simply be laughed at +if I ventured to complain. +</P> + +<P> +It was about this time, too, that I paid a man four dollars to clean +out the catch basin in the rear of our premises. The man told me that +the catch basin was "reeking with the germs of disease." I did n't see +how that could well be, since the sewer had not been laid six weeks. +However, the man insisted, and he talked so portentously of bacteria +and bacilli and morbiferous microbes that finally in a terror of +apprehension I gave him four dollars and bade him do his saving work +and do it quickly. +</P> + +<P> +When the neighbors heard of this incident they unanimously pronounced +me a fool, accompanying that opprobrious stigmatization with an epithet +which my religious convictions prohibit me from recording. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap23"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XXIII +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +ALICE'S NIGHT WATCHMAN +</H3> + +<P> +From what I have already told you it is likely that you have gathered +that Alice and I had good reason to conclude that being a householder +was by no means as cheap an enjoyment as could be conceived of. We +recalled the words of the sagacious and prudent Mr. Denslow. "When you +get a place of your own," said that wise man, "you will find that there +will be a thousand annoying little demands for your money where now +there is one." Our other friend, Mr. Black, had expressed the same +idea when he told us that "a house-owner never gets through paying +out." If Alice and I had had any thought upon the matter at all it was +to the effect that when we had a home of our own we got rid forever of +the monstrous bugaboo of house-rent at sixty dollars a month. We +supposed that all our spare time could be devoted to counting the money +we were going to save by getting out of a grasping, avaricious +landlord's clutches. Experience is a severe teacher; Alice and I have +found out a great many things since we began to have direct dealings +with builders, masons, plumbers, painters et id omne genus, as well as +with sprinklers, day laborers, landscape gardeners, fruit-tree +peddlers, lightning-rod agents, and others of that ilk. +</P> + +<P> +We duly became aware that we were losing a good deal at the hands of +nocturnal depredators. Our flower beds were despoiled with amazing +regularity; the broken lath and old lumber which had been piled up in +the back yard, and which Alice intended to use eventually for kindling, +disappeared mysteriously, and the carpenters reported finding evidences +every morning that some person or persons had been tramping through the +house the night before. +</P> + +<P> +We were all at once possessed of the paralyzing fear that this +nocturnal trespasser, or these nocturnal trespassers, might set our +house on fire. The floors were strewn with shavings; a spark would +precipitate a conflagration, and the old Schmittheimer place would burn +like so much tinder. I read over the fire-insurance policies which we +had taken out with our genial friends, Doller, Jeems, and Teddy, and I +found out that the companies represented by those gentlemen were not +responsible for losses upon unoccupied premises, or for losses +resulting from incendiarism. It occurred to me that it would be wise +to invite the police to keep an eye on the place at night, but this +plan seemed impracticable for the reason that I wanted to keep the +lawn-sprinklers running all night in defiance of the ordinance, and +this could not be done if the police were to be mousing about the +premises. +</P> + +<P> +While I was still worrying over this distressing problem one of the +carpenters came to me with a harrowing tale about a tramp whom he had +caught sleeping in the barn. This tramp had gained access to the barn +by means of a window. He quietly removed the sash, after breaking the +panes of glass, and crawled in. The carpenter caught the impudent +rogue early next morning in flagrante delicto—that is to say, found +him snoozing upon a mattress which Alice had stored away in the barn +for safe-keeping. An argument ensued, but the tramp finally beat a +retreat. +</P> + +<P> +Upon the evening of that same day the carpenter remained after working +hours to see whether the tramp would come back for another night's +lodging in the nice, warm barn on that nice, clean mattress. Surely +enough, as evening shadows fell the tramp made his reappearance and +sought to effect an entrance to the barn. Thereupon the belligerent +carpenter emerged from his hiding and bade the trespasser be gone. The +tramp complied with this demand, but not until he had signified his +intention of returning later at night for the purpose of squaring +accounts with the carpenter. +</P> + +<P> +This dark threat filled the carpenter with gloomy forebodings and he +hastened to Alice and me for advice. Of course we assured him that we +would support him in any line of action he would take, and we promised +to pay him one dollar if he would stay and guard the premises that +night. The carpenter was not insensible to the soothing influences of +lucre, and he consented to watch and defend our property, provided we +furnished him with a weapon of one kind or another, for he had a +conviction that the tramp fully intended to come back that very night +to cut his heart out. +</P> + +<P> +My acquaintance with weapons is limited to that circle which includes +my collection of antique armor and several old flintlocks picked up at +different times in New England and in the South. I confessed to the +carpenter that I had in the house nothing suited to his bellicose +purposes, unless he was willing to put up with a mediaeval battle axe +or a Queen Anne musket. The carpenter seemed disinclined to place any +reliance upon these means of defence, and he suggested that perhaps I +might borrow a pistol of some one of the neighbors. I had not thought +of that before; the idea impressed me favorably, and I proceeded to act +upon it. It was no easy task, however, finding what I wanted. At the +Denslows an axe was the only weapon to be had, and at the Baylors', the +Crowes', the Sissons', and the Ewings' I found that the spears had been +beaten into plowshares and the swords into pruning-hooks. I felt that +it would be folly to apply at the Tiltmans', for Jack Tiltman is the +mildest man in seven States, and he is descended from a line of Quakers +religiously opposed to war and strife. However, meeting with Tiltman, +I ventured to confide to him the dilemma I was in, and I was surprised +when he told me that he could provide me with any kind or size of +revolver I wanted. Presently he brought out of his house a machine +which, had he not assured me to the contrary, I should at first sight +have mistaken for a one-inch aperture telescope. +</P> + +<P> +"Is it loaded?" I asked. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, seven times," said he. +</P> + +<P> +"And will it go off seven times all at once?" said I. +</P> + +<P> +"Once will be enough," said he; and then he added that the bore was so +large that if the bullet once struck a man it would let daylight clean +through him, even in the night time. +</P> + +<P> +You can well understand that, by the time the carpenter was equipped +for defensive operations, the whole neighborhood was worked up to a +condition of great excitement. The children were enthusiastic over the +prospect of bloodshed, and from the chatter that was indulged in by +these innocents you might have supposed that a murderous tramp lurked +at every corner. Alice and I walked over to the Schmittheimer place +with the carpenter, and we were accompanied by several of our neighbors +and their offspring. The evening was now advanced to the degree of +darkness, and our heated fancies transformed every shadow into a living +creature. Little Annie Ewing was on the verge of hysterics and +declared she saw things behind every tree and stump, and Mr. Denslow +contributed to the general excitement by recalling that he had read +that very day of several mysterious murders down in a remote corner of +Arizona by unknown tramps. +</P> + +<P> +I admit that I, too, was much perturbed. I contemplated with +indignation the lawless impudence of the fellow who had broken into our +barn, and who had subsequently threatened violence to the carpenter for +expostulating against this act of trespass. At the same time I could +not stifle a feeling of pity for the homeless being who doubtless found +the bed upon our barn floor as grateful as the downy couch of a Persian +potentate. Nor could I stifle the conviction that it was a piece of +miserable greediness on my part to deny this friendless and penniless +wanderer the humble shelter he craved. +</P> + +<P> +In fact I presently became so ashamed of the part I was taking in these +proceedings that but for my regard for Alice's feelings I would have +packed the carpenter off home and left the barn open to the tramp and +all his kind. As it was my conscience gave me no rest until I had +induced neighbor Tiltman to extract the cartridges from the pistol, +which service he did so cleverly that the carpenter knew nothing about +it, and continued to bluster and bloviate like a dragoon on dress +parade. +</P> + +<P> +The tramp did not return that night, and I was glad he did not, for it +would have spoiled our new premises for me had any act of violence been +committed thereupon. The experience, however, alarmed Alice to such an +extent that she determined to employ a private watchman to guard the +premises by night until we occupied them. She told me at supper the +next evening that for this purpose she had secured the services of a +poor but honest man who had called that day seeking employment. +</P> + +<P> +"You don't mean to tell me, my dear," said I, "that you have intrusted +this responsible duty to a person who is in the habit of travelling +from house to house, asking alms!" +</P> + +<P> +"I guess I know an honest man when I see him," said Alice, "and I know +this man is honest, if there is such a thing as an honest man." +</P> + +<P> +Alice went on to say that her protégé was an old soldier; that he had +wept when he told of his unrequited services for his country, and of +the ingratitude which he had experienced when his application for a +pension was denied by the unfeeling authorities at Washington. Alice +said she had never met with a more civil-spoken person, and he must +indeed have impressed her most favorably, for she advanced him fifty +cents on account. +</P> + +<P> +We slept securely that night, for Alice's assurances made me confident +that under the new watchman's sleepless vigilance all would be safe on +the Schmittheimer premises. But about seven o'clock next morning there +was a rude outcry, and there came a terrible banging at our front door. +Looking out into the street we saw the carpenter with a very sorry +specimen of manhood in custody. The carpenter was flourishing neighbor +Tiltman's unloaded pistol and threatening to blow his prisoner's brains +out. +</P> + +<P> +"I caught him asleep in the barn!" cried the carpenter, excitedly. +</P> + +<P> +"Stop! Stop!" shrieked Alice. "Don't shoot him! Don't harm a hair of +his head! He is the night watchman I hired to guard the place!" +</P> + +<P> +"He 's the tramp!" insisted the carpenter. "He 's the very tramp who +broke into the barn and slept there once before. I 've caught him now +and I won't let him go!" +</P> + +<P> +The prisoner protested that the carpenter was mistaken, that he was, +indeed, the night watchman, and that he was entitled to "the kind +lady's protection." +</P> + +<P> +The fellow's voice sounded familiar and I recognized his form and face. +Yes, there could be no mistake; I had seen and dealt with this person +before. +</P> + +<P> +"My friends," said I, addressing Alice and her carpenter and the crowd +of neighbors that had assembled, "you are right, and yet you are wrong. +I know this man, and I identify him as the base ingrate who stole my +new wheelbarrow and my garden utensils. Your name, sir," I continued, +sternly, transfixing the quaking wretch with a glance of commingled +anger and scorn, "your name is Percival Wax!" +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap24"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XXIV +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +DRIVEWAYS AND WALL-PAPERS +</H3> + +<P> +Had we been so disposed we could have given the wretched Percival Wax a +great deal of trouble. Lawyer Miles was anxious to prosecute the +fellow, and I dare say he felt that he had missed the greatest +opportunity of his life when Alice and I concluded to let the matter +drop. We were moved to this decision by the consideration that, while +we owed Percival Wax only our resentment and vengeance, a prosecution +of him for his numerous misdemeanors would put us to no end of trouble. +The exposure and punishment of vice would doubtless prove much more +popular among the virtuous, did not these proceedings involve so great +an expenditure both of time and of labor. Alice and I were not long in +making up our minds that we had plenty of other unavoidable troubles to +engage our attention; so we let the tramp go, but not, however, until I +had lectured him seriously upon the propriety of his abandoning his +evil ways and until Alice had given him a clean shirt and an old pair +of shoes with which to start out afresh upon the pathway of reform, +which he solemnly promised to follow. +</P> + +<P> +If you have ever passed the old Schmittheimer place—and doubtless you +have, for it is the pride and ornament of a most aristocratic +section—you must have noticed the roadway that leads from the street +to the residence that looms up majestically two hundred feet back from +the street. Perhaps you have wondered why grounds in other respects so +attractive should be defaced by a feature so unsightly and so +impracticable as this identical roadway. +</P> + +<P> +And yet, as I told Alice, this roadway was actually the most natural +feature of the place; there was absolutely no touch of artificiality +about it; it was originally a stretch of sand, and such it had remained +from time immemorial, by which I mean from that remote date—presumably +eighteen centuries ago—when the receding waters of Lake Michigan left +the spot subsequently to be known as the old Schmittheimer place high +and dry in section 5, range 16, township 3. The genius of man had +wrought wondrous and beautiful changes elsewhere, converting marshes +into boulevards and transforming sandy wastes into blooming gardens; +but never had it expended a touch or a thought upon that bald +prehistoric streak which served as a driveway for all vehicles that +dared invade the old Schmittheimer place. +</P> + +<P> +How many vehicles had in the lapse of years been hopelessly maimed or +totally wrecked while trying to traverse that roadway I shall not +presume to say, for as a man of science I glory in exactness and I +eschew surmise. This much I know, for I have seen it time and again +during the last four months: nothing that moves on wheels has ventured +upon that roadway that it did not sink slowly but surely up to the hubs +of its wheels in the unresisting sand. The Pusheck grocery cart broke +a spring the first time it drove in, and the wagon that hauled the +steam fixtures was stalled for three hours in one of those treacherous +depressions in which the roadway abounds, depressions which, as I am +told, are known to dwellers in hilly country places as "thank-ye-marms." +</P> + +<P> +Until I became acquainted with this particular roadway I never fully +comprehended the nicety and the force of the phrase "to drive in." I +had heard people say that they had driven into such and such places, +and I had wondered why they employed this figure of speech when, it +seemed to me, it would have been more exact to say that they entered +upon or drove over. But I know now that it is no figure of speech when +one says that he drives into the old Schmittheimer place. No other +phrase could more exactly express an actuality. +</P> + +<P> +If we were going to retain the driveway in all its unhampered +prehistoric simplicity, just as the glacial period found and left it, +it would really be the proper thing for us to found and to maintain a +rescue station in its vicinity, for we have been called upon to hasten +to the relief of every vehicle that has "driven into" the premises +since we took possession. And a very serious theological aspect of +this matter is had in a consideration of the fact that this prehistoric +driveway not only breaks spokes and tires and hubs and springs, but +also incites human beings to break the third commandment. I have +overheard the young man who drives Pusheck's grocery cart indulging in +expletives which I am sure he never learned as a member of Alice's +Bible class. +</P> + +<P> +So, taking one consideration with another, Alice and I determined to +have a new road. Undoubtedly this was a wise determination; if we had +gone ahead from that wise beginning and built the road as we had +planned, all would have been well. The serious error we made was in +seeking the counsel of our neighbors—the very same error we have made +and kept on making over and over again ever since we entered upon this +scheme of the new house. +</P> + +<P> +I take it for granted that you know as well as I do that when it comes +to roads, there are as many different kinds of roads as there are +planetoids in the solar system. Furthermore, paradoxical as it may +appear, each of these different kinds is better than any of these +others, for each possesses not only all the advantages of the others, +but also certain distinct and paramount advantages of its own. Alice +and I had decided upon a dirt road, because we believed that a dirt +road would conform in appearance to the other rustic and farmlike +features of the place, and because we fancied that a dirt road could be +constructed cheaply. +</P> + +<P> +I use the term "dirt road" under protest. I am aware that what is +called a dirt road is, properly speaking, an earth road. Dirt is +filth, but earth is not; so when we call an earth road a dirt road we +commit a vulgar error by employing a wrong epithet. All this I know, +and yet, conforming to a custom, because it is a custom followed by all +except a smattering of purists, I humiliate my sense of integrity, and +I prostitute the virtue of my native speech. +</P> + +<P> +In an unguarded moment, as I have intimated, we confided to our +neighbors the precious secret that the stretch of sand from our front +gate to our backyard was to make way for a modern, safe, and +comfortable driveway. Immediately we were overwhelmed with suggestions +and advice as to the particular kind of driveway we really ought to +have. You may have noticed that whenever a friend (a dear, good +friend) advises, he or she invariably tells you what you really <I>ought</I> +to have—putting much emphasis on the "ought." This clinches and +rivets the advice. When one says to you that you really ought to have +such or such a thing, he means, of course, that you would have it if +you were not either too poor or too stupid (or both) to get it. Alice +and I are poor in purse, but I deny that we are idiots. +</P> + +<P> +Not to consume your time with further discourse upon this subject +(although I will concede that it has its fascinations and its +importance), I will say that the primitive roadway (illustrative of the +pre-glacial period) still winds its Saharan course through our +premises. For Alice and I are undetermined whether to follow our own +instincts and have a dirt road (there it is again!) or whether to +concede to neighborly influence in the matter of this driveway, just as +we have conceded upon nearly every other detail that has come up for +consideration within the last four months. I dare say we shall +eventually come back to our original plan, for it is already as clear +as the noonday sun that if we adopt the suggestion of any one neighbor +we shall have all the rest of our neighbors down on us for the rest of +our lives. +</P> + +<P> +We had an unpleasant experience of this character in the matter of +wall-paper. It seems that Alice and Adah consulted all the women-folks +in their acquaintance, and after much agitation made such selections of +wall-paper as they believed would serve as a felicitous compromise +between all parties consulted and all tastes expressed. The result is +that nobody is suited—nobody but me. As for me, I am too much of a +philosopher and too busy with my philosophy to spend any time worrying +about the color or the pattern of the paper on the walls. If the paper +is not so prepossessing as it might be, I should be glad that it is +upon my walls rather than upon the walls of those whom it would vex +much more than it does me. +</P> + +<P> +I do not mind telling you that my favorite color in wall-paper (as well +as in everything else) is red, and it was a delicate concession upon +Alice's part to cover the walls of my study over the kitchen with paper +of undeniably red hue, upon which appear tracings of yellowish white in +a pattern particularly pleasing to my uneducated eye. Little +Josephine's room (which is shared by Alice's sister Adah) is decorated +with wall-paper in which red is also the predominant color. The +pattern is of bunches of roses in full bloom, and these counterfeit +presentments are so true to the life that when little Josephine first +entered the apartment she reached out her tiny hands in rapture and +sought to pluck the beautiful flowers. Adah, too, is delighted with +this floral design; the rose is her favorite flower, and by a charming +coincidence it happens to be also the favorite flower of Adah's friend +Maria—of course you remember Maria; married Johnnie Richardson, and +lives at St. Joe, Missouri. So, you see, there are several tender +sentiments attaching Adah to that rose-bedecked apartment. +</P> + +<P> +And yet (will you believe it?) there are those who do not at all +approve of the wall-paper in which I and little Josephine and Adah (to +say nothing of Maria) take so great delight. Some of these people have +been ill-mannered enough to laugh aloud and long when they beheld the +impassioned hue of the covering of the walls in my study! There was +one person (I forbear mention of her name) who seriously said she +thought we 'd be afraid to let little Josephine sleep in that +rose-garlanded room; that the glaring colors would be likely to give +the dear child the "willies." I do not know what the "willies" are, +but I do know that little Josephine sleeps well, eats well, and is +happy, and this is all that we could hope for in one of her tender +years. +</P> + +<P> +Now while I cannot do otherwise than defend the choices in wall-papers +which Alice and Adah have made, I distinctly recognize and I regret two +very unpleasant facts: first, that by not complying with their advice +upon the subject we have grievously offended a number of our neighbors, +and, second, that Alice and Adah are prepared to set down in the list +of their active and malignant foes every woman who presumes to +disparage either by word or by look the wall-paper they have picked out +as most pleasing to their tastes. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap25"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XXV +</H3> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +AT LAST WE ENTER OUR HOUSE +</H3> + +<P> +The detail of hardware fixtures did not enter into our original +calculations. This was very stupid of us, so everybody else +said—everybody, of course, who had been through the ordeal of building +a house. It is surprising how soon one who has had this experience +forgets that before he had that experience he was as ignorant and as +unsuspecting a body as could be imagined. +</P> + +<P> +I suspect that after all it is a good thing for humanity that all +people do not have to go through with what Alice and I have experienced +the last four months. Otherwise the world would be filled with +distrust, for I can conceive of nothing else so likely to sow the seeds +of rancor and of suspicion in one's bosom as an experience at building +a house. +</P> + +<P> +It has seemed to me at times during the last four months as if the +carpenters and joiners and plumbers and painters were leagued against +Alice and me to defraud and to rob us. I supposed that in these dull +and hard times these people would feel in a measure grateful to us for +giving them a chance to ply their trades. I find, however, that they +expect me to be grateful to them for allowing me the privilege of +paying them exorbitant prices for very indifferent services. +</P> + +<P> +Alice wanted to make a contract in every instance, but she was wheedled +out of this by the eloquent representations of the sharpers to the +effect that it would be much cheaper in the end to pay for the material +used and so much per diem for the actual labor done. This looked +reasonable enough, but the result was wholly in favor of the per-diem +fellows. Our experience has convinced us that a mechanic who is +working per diem will never make an end to his job so long as the +appropriation holds out. +</P> + +<P> +Of what use would our new house have been to us if the doors and +windows and screens and blinds had not been supplied with the fixtures +required for their operation? We have very little worth stealing, and +yet I feel more secure if there are locks upon our doors and if the +windows are fastened down. Uncle Si knew that we would need bolts and +locks and other similar hardware fixtures; the neighbors, our busiest +advisers, knew it, too; yet nobody ever said booh about these things to +us. They fancied, forsooth, that we would have by intuition the +knowledge which they had acquired by costly experience! And when we +complained of the expense and trouble involved in the selection and +purchase of these extras, the intimation that we were unreasonably +idiotic was freely bandied about by the very people who should have +sympathized with us. +</P> + +<P> +The fixtures came late, too late for the big storm. There being no +bolt or any other fastening to the north porch door, the wind blew that +door open and the rain descended in torrents upon the hardwood floor of +the guest chamber. Next day it was apparent that the floor was +practically ruined. The carpenters agreed that it would have to be +scraped and that it was very likely to swell and spring out of place on +account of the soaking it had suffered. +</P> + +<P> +Hardwood floors may have their advantages: they ought to have, for they +are a costly luxury and they are a great care. Owing to the few +hardwood floors in our new house we were delayed moving into the place +for many weeks. When Uncle Si and his cohort got through with them +they were as billowy as the surface of the ocean. +</P> + +<P> +The painters came to us one by one and apprized us in confidence that +those floors were the worst they had ever seen. They said that the +carpenters must have supposed that we wanted a toboggan slide instead +of hardwood floors. This sarcasm rankled in our bosoms. +</P> + +<P> +At this critical juncture Lansom Mansom, the cabinetmaker who had made +our bookcases for us, came to our relief with the suggestion that he be +employed to "go over" the floors and make them practicable. He advised +the per-diem scheme, and with characteristic good nature we acceded to +it. Thereupon this crafty and thrifty person set himself about this +delectable task, which busied him five weeks at four dollars a day—a +sum not to be sneezed at, I can tell you. +</P> + +<P> +When the floors were scraped and stained and varnished it took two +weeks for them to dry; meanwhile nobody was permitted to approach them. +A favored few among our most intimate friends were graciously allowed +to peer in at the shining floors from the porch outside, and it seemed +very tedious waiting for the time to come when we could put those +floors to the uses for which floors are undoubtedly intended. +</P> + +<P> +When at last we <I>were</I> suffered to walk upon the floors an unlooked-for +casualty came very near dashing to the ground the cup of joy which our +pride had, metaphorically speaking, raised to our lips. Little +Josephine, the most precious jewel in our domestic diadem, had never +before had any experience with hardwood floors, and no sooner did she +begin to dance and caper on that smooth and lustrous surface than the +innocent little lambkin lost her footing and fell, sustaining so severe +a shock as to render the services of a physician necessary. +</P> + +<P> +This mishap confirmed me in my dislike for hardwood floors, and that +dislike has increased steadily. Several other people have come very +near breaking their necks by losing their balance on that treacherous +surface, and I confess that I myself am compelled to exercise the art +of a Blondin in order to maintain my equilibrium in those slippery +places. +</P> + +<P> +Alice has always argued that hardwood floors were particularly +desirable for the reason that they did away with the expense and care +of carpets. It is true that we are to have no carpets in the +apartments where these hardwood floors have been laid, but these +handsome floors simply emphasize and italicize a man's poverty unless +they are dotted with rugs, and there is none so foolhardy as to deny +that the average rug costs five times as much as the average carpet. +And the care demanded by a hardwood floor is exacting, for that shining +surface, upon which every spot of dust stands out so distinctly, must +be gone over daily with a soft brush, and must be wiped up with a wet +cloth at least thrice a week. +</P> + +<P> +Moreover the utmost precaution must be practised lest the surface of +the hardwood floor be scratched or be seamed by the nails in one's +boots or by the legs of tables or of chairs. Our youngest son, +Erasmus, complains grievously of the restrictions put upon him since he +entered upon this hardwood-floor epoch of his career. It is hard for +the buoyant lad to understand why he is not to be permitted to slide +and skate on these floors as he has hitherto been permitted to slide +and skate on the floors of the rented houses we have lived in. I have +not chided Erasmus for his remonstrances, for I, too, have been tempted +to rebel against the new order of things. If either Erasmus or I ever +build a house of our own we shall eschew the hardwood-floor heresy as +we would a pest. +</P> + +<P> +There is another evil which I am at this moment reminded of, and that +is the folding-door evil. In all my experience I have never met with +another door as honest, sensible, and trustworthy as the door that +swings on hinges. +</P> + +<P> +I told Alice so when the subject of doors came up in our discussions of +proposed innovations in the new house. But Alice had conceived the +notion that we ought to have a folding door in the parlor, and when +Alice once gets a notion into her head all creation with a pickaxe +couldn't get it out again. +</P> + +<P> +Properly speaking, the door was not a folding door; it was a sliding +door. When pushed back it was to disappear in the wall separating the +parlor from the front hall. When I saw Uncle Si and his men +constructing this door I expressed the fear that it wouldn't work, but +Uncle Si laughed my fears to scorn; the trouble with too many doors, he +said, was that they were made of cheap stuff; <I>this</I> door, he assured +me, was an A No. 1 door and would never—could never—get out of place. +Then he showed me the rollers and attachments and proved their +practicability and strength. +</P> + +<P> +Not knowing any more about such things than a seacow knows of the +summer solstice, I assented to all his propositions and went my way +with my apprehensions completely allayed. But in less than forty-eight +hours after Uncle Si and his men turned over the house to us, bang went +that door, and no power at our command could budge it an inch either +way. +</P> + +<P> +Another carpenter came and investigated. Presently he shook his head +and smiled a bitter smile. Then he told us that the break would not +have happened if the fixtures had not been of the cheapest make. What +we required, he said, was fixtures that cost ten dollars instead of +three dollars, our door being a large parlor door and not a light +pantry door. +</P> + +<P> +We bade this sarcastic genius go ahead and remedy the evil as best he +could, and the result is that the door now slides as smoothly as even +the most exacting could wish: this repair has involved the expenditure +of only fifteen dollars, and I would not mention it if I had any +confidence whatever in the door even in its rehabilitated condition. I +know as well as I know anything else that as soon as we build a fire in +our heating apparatus next November the heat thereof will warp and +twist that door into such shape that it will be as impossible to budge +it as if it were nailed down. We shall then be in a serious pickle, +for we shall be unable to enter our parlor. +</P> + +<P> +The windows all over the house are fast in their casings, having been +painted so carefully by those rascally painters that it requires the +power of a steam derrick to raise them. The other morning I tried to +open one of the windows in the butler's pantry, for the atmosphere in +that place was absolutely stifling. I tugged and pulled and pushed in +vain. +</P> + +<P> +Finally a happy thought struck me, and I hunted up a hammer and used it +lustily upon the obstinate sash. I must have got careless, for after I +had hammered away for several minutes I missed my aim and the head of +the hammer went through a pane of glass. +</P> + +<P> +I didn't want Alice to know anything about this mishap, so I furtively +hired a glazier to repair the damage I had done. As I made no contract +with the fellow he took advantage of me, just as I should have known by +experience he would. Here is a copy of the bill he has just sent in +for me to pay: +</P> + +<BR> + +<PRE STYLE="font-family: Courier New; font-size: 10pt"> +"REUBEN BAKER, Esq., to J. SYKES, Dr.<BR> + +To one pane glass 7x11 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .30 +To one day's labor setting same . . . . . . . . . . . $3.60 + ----- + Total . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3.90 +Please remit." +</PRE> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<P> +[It was the intention of Mr. Field to add a final chapter to his book +describing the entrance of the Baker family into their new home, but +his sudden death left the book with this chapter unwritten.] +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR><BR> +<hr class="full" noshade> + +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HOUSE***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 21808-h.txt or 21808-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/1/8/0/21808">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/1/8/0/21808</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL</a> + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** +</pre> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/21808-h/images/img-front.jpg b/21808-h/images/img-front.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..12df11b --- /dev/null +++ b/21808-h/images/img-front.jpg diff --git a/21808.txt b/21808.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cbb5c9c --- /dev/null +++ b/21808.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5420 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The House, by Eugene Field, Illustrated by E. +H. Garrett + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The House + An Episode in the Lives of Reuben Baker, Astronomer, and of His Wife, Alice + + +Author: Eugene Field + + + +Release Date: June 11, 2007 [eBook #21808] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HOUSE*** + + +E-text prepared by Al Haines + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustration. + See 21808-h.htm or 21808-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/1/8/0/21808/21808-h/21808-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/1/8/0/21808/21808-h.zip) + + + + + +The Works of Eugene Field + +Vol. VIII + +The Writings in Prose and Verse of Eugene Field + +THE HOUSE + +An Episode in the Lives of Reuben Baker, Astronomer, and of His Wife +Alice + + + + + + + +[Frontispiece: The House. Drawn by E. H. Garrett.] + + + + +Charles Scribner's Sons +New York +1911 + +Copyright, 1896, by +Julia Sutherland Field. + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +The story that is told in this volume is as surely an autobiography as +if that announcement were a part of the title: and it also has the +peculiar and significant distinction of being in some sort the +biography of every man and woman who enters seriously upon the business +of life. + +In its pages is to be found the history of the heart's desire of all +who are disposed to take the partnership of man and woman seriously. +The instinct--the desire--call it what you will--that is herein set +forth with such gentle humor is as old as humanity, and all literature +that contains germs of permanence teems with its influence. But never +before has it had so painstaking a biographer--so deft and subtle an +interpreter. + +We are told, alas! that the story of Alice and Reuben Baker wanted but +one chapter to complete it when Eugene Field died. That chapter was to +have told how they reached the fulfilment of their heart's desire. But +even here the unities are preserved. The chapter that is unwritten in +the book is also unwritten in the lives of perhaps the great majority +of men and women. + +The story that Mr. Field has told portrays his genius and his humor in +a new light. We have seen him scattering the germs of his wit +broadcast in the newspapers--we have seen him putting on the cap and +bells, as it were, to lead old Horace through some modern paces--we +have heard him singing his tender lullabies to children--we have wept +with him over "Little Boy Blue," and all the rest of those quaint +songs--we have listened to his wonderful stories--but only in the story +of "The House" do we find his humor so gently turned, so deftly put, +and so ripe for the purpose of literary expression. It lies deep here, +and those who desire to enjoy it as it should be enjoyed must place +their ears close to the heart of human nature. The wit and the +rollicking drollery that were but the surface indications of Mr. +Field's genius have here given place to the ripe humor that lies as +close to tears as to laughter--the humor that is a part and a large +part of almost every piece of English literature that has outlived the +hand that wrote it. + +JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS. + + + + +The Chapters in this Book + + + I WE BUY A PLACE + II OURSELVES AND OUR NEIGHBORS + III WE MAKE OUR BARGAIN KNOWN + IV THE FIRST PAYMENT + V WE NEGOTIATE A MORTGAGE + VI I AM BESOUGHT TO BUY THINGS + VII OUR PLANS FOR IMPROVEMENTS + VIII THE VANDALS BEGIN THEIR WORK + IX NEIGHBOR MACLEOD'S THISTLE + X COLONEL DOLLER'S GREAT IDEA + XI I MAKE A STAND FOR MY RIGHTS + XII I AM DECEIVED IN MR. WAX + XIII EDITOR WOODSIT A TRUE FRIEND + XIV THE VICTIM OF AN ORDINANCE + XV THE QUESTION OF INSURANCE + XVI NEIGHBOR ROBBINS' PLATYPUS + XVII OUR DEVICES FOR ECONOMIZING + XVIII I STATE MY VIEWS ON TAXATION + XIX OTHER PEOPLE'S DOGS + XX I ACQUIRE POISON AND EXPERIENCE + XXI WITH PLUMBERS AND PAINTERS + XXII THE BUTLER'S PANTRY + XXIII ALICE'S NIGHT WATCHMAN + XXIV DRIVEWAYS AND WALL PAPERS + XXV AT LAST WE ENTER OUR HOUSE + + + + +THE HOUSE + + +I + +WE BUY A PLACE + +It was either Plato the Athenian, or Confucius the Chinese, or +Andromachus the Cretan--or some other philosopher whose name I +disremember--that remarked once upon a time, and the time was many +centuries ago, that no woman was happy until she got herself a home. It +really makes no difference who first uttered this truth, the truth itself +is and always has been recognized as one possessing nearly all the +virtues of an axiom. + +I recall that one of the first wishes I heard Alice express during our +honeymoon was that we should sometime be rich enough to be able to build +a dear little house for ourselves. We were poor, of course; otherwise +our air castle would not have been "a dear little house"; it would have +been a palatial residence with a dance-hall at the top and a wine-cellar +at the bottom thereof. I have always observed that when the money comes +in the poetry flies out. Bread and cheese and kisses are all well enough +for poverty-stricken romance, but as soon as a poor man receives a +windfall his thoughts turn inevitably to a contemplation of the +probability of terrapin and canvasbacks. + +I encouraged Alice in her fond day-dreaming, and we decided between us +that the dear little house should be a cottage, about which the roses and +the honeysuckles should clamber in summer, and which in winter should be +banked up with straw and leaves, for Alice and I were both of New England +origin. I must confess that we had some reason for indulging these +pleasing speculations, for at that time my Aunt Susan was living, and she +was reputed as rich as mud (whatever that may mean), and this simile was +by her neighbors coupled with another, which represented Aunt Susan as +being as close as a clapboard on a house. Whatever her reputation was, I +happened to be Aunt Susan's nearest of kin, and although I never so far +lost my presence of mind as to intimate even indirectly that I had any +expectations, I wrote regularly to Aunt Susan once a month, and every +fall I sent her a box of game, which I told her I had shot in the woods +near our boarding-house, but which actually I had bought of a commission +merchant in South Water Street. + +With the legacy which we were to receive from Aunt Susan, Alice and I had +it all fixed up that we should build a cottage like one which Alice had +seen one time at Sweet Springs while convalescing at that fashionable +Missouri watering-place from an attack of the jaundice. This cottage +was, as I was informed, an ingenious combination of Gothic decadence and +Norman renaissance architecture. Being somewhat of an antiquarian by +nature, I was gratified by the promise of archaism which Alice's picture +of our future home presented. We picked out a corner lot in,--well, no +matter where; that delectable dream, with its Gothic and Norman features, +came to an untimely end all too soon. At its very height Aunt Susan up +and died, and a fortnight later we learned that, after bequeathing the +bulk of her property to foreign missions, she had left me, whom she had +condescended to refer to as her "beloved nephew," nine hundred dollars in +cash and her favorite flower-piece in wax, a hideous thing which for +thirty years had occupied the corner of honor in the front spare chamber. + +I do not know what Alice did with the wax-flowers. As for the nine +hundred dollars, I appropriated it to laudable purposes. Some of it went +for a new silk dress for Alice; the rest I spent for books, and I recall +my thrill of delight when I saw ensconced upon my shelves a splendid copy +of Audubon's "Birds" with its life-size pictures of turkeys, buzzards, +and other fowl done in impossible colors. + +After that experience "our house" simmered and shrivelled down from the +Norman-Gothic to plain, everyday, fin-de-siecle architecture. We +concluded that we could get along with five rooms (although six would be +better), and we transferred our affections from that corner lot in the +avenue which had engaged our attention during the decadent-renaissance +phase of our enthusiasm to a modest point in Slocum's Addition, a +locality originally known as Slocum's Slough, but now advertised and +heralded by the press and rehabilitated in public opinion as Paradise +Park. This pleasing mania lasted about two years. Then it was forever +abated by the awful discovery that Paradise Park was the breeding spot of +typhoid fever, and, furthermore, that old man Slocum's title to the +property was defective in every essential particular. + +Alice and I did not find it in our power either to overlook or to combat +these trifling objections; with unabated optimism we cast our eyes +elsewhere, and within a month we found another delectable biding +place--this time some distance from the city--in fact, in one of the new +and booming suburbs. Elmdale was then new to fame. I suppose they +called it Elmdale because it had neither an elm nor a dale. It was +fourteen miles from town, but its railroad transportation facilities were +unique. The five-o'clock milk-train took passengers in to business every +morning, and the eight-o'clock accommodation brought them home again +every evening; moreover, the noon freight stopped at Elmdale to take up +passengers every other Wednesday, and it was the practice of every other +train to whistle and to slack up in speed to thirty miles an hour while +passing through this promising suburb. + +I did not care particularly for Elmdale, but Alice took a mighty fancy to +it. Our twin boys (Galileo and Herschel, named after the astronomers of +blessed memory!) were now three years old, and Alice insisted that they +required the pure air and the wholesome freedom of rural life. Galileo +had, in fact, never quite been himself since he swallowed the pincushion. + +We did not go to Elmdale at once; we never went there. Elmdale was +simply another one of those curious phases in which our dream of a home +abounded. With the Elmdale phase "our house" underwent another change. +But this was natural enough. You see that in none of our other plans had +we contemplated the possibility of a growing family. Now we had two +uproarious boys, and their coming had naturally put us into pleasing +doubt as to what similar emergencies might transpire in the future. So +our five-room cottage had acquired (in our minds) two more rooms--seven +altogether--and numerous little changes in the plans and decorations of +"our house" had gradually been evolved. + +As I now remember, it was about this time that Alice made up her mind +that the reception-room should be treated in blue. Her birth had +occurred in December, and therefore turquoise was her birth-stone and the +blue thereof was her favorite color. I am not much of a believer in such +things--in fact, I discredit all superstitions except such as involve +black cats and the rabbit's foot, and these exceptions are wholly +reasonable, for my family lived for many years in Salem, Mass. But I +have always conceded that Alice has as good a right to her superstitions +as I to mine. I bought her the prettiest turquoise ring I could afford, +and I approved her determination to treat the reception-room in blue. I +rather enjoyed the prospect of the luxury of a reception-room; it had +ground the iron into my soul that, ever since we married and settled +down, Alice and I had been compelled in winter months to entertain our +callers in the same room where we ate our meals. In summer this +humiliation did not afflict us, for then we always sat of an evening on +the front porch. + +The blue room met with a curious fate. One Christmas our beneficent +friend, Colonel Mullaly, presented Alice and me with a beautiful and +valuable lamp. Alice went to Burley's the next week and priced one (not +half as handsome) and was told that it cost sixty dollars. It was a +tall, shapely lamp, with an alabaster and Italian marble pedestal +cunningly polished; a magnificent yellow silk shade served as the +crowning glory to this superb creation. + +For a week, perhaps, Alice was abstracted; then she told me that she had +been thinking it all over and had about made up her mind that when we got +our new house she would have the reception-room treated in a delicate +canary shade. + +"But why abandon the blue, my dear?" I asked. "I think it would be so +pretty to have the decoration of the room match your turquoise ring." + +"That 's just like a man!" said Alice. "Reuben, dear, could you possibly +imagine anything else so perfectly horrid as a yellow lampshade in a blue +room?" + +"You are right, sweetheart," said I. "That is something I had never +thought of before. You are right; canary color it shall be, and when we +have moved in I 'll buy you a dear little canary bird in a lovely gold +cage, and we 'll hang it in the front window right over the lamp, so that +everybody can see our treasures from the street and envy our happiness!" + +"You dear, sweet boy!" cried Alice, and she reached up and pulled my head +down and kissed her dear, sweet boy on his bald spot. Alice is an angel! + +I fear I am wearying you with the prolixity of my narrative. So let me +pass rapidly over the ten years that succeeded to the yellow-lamp epoch. +Ten hard but sweet years! Years full of struggle and hopes, touched with +bereavement and sorrow, but precious years, for troubles, like those we +have had, sanctify human lives. Children came to us, and of these +priceless treasures we lost two. If I thought Alice would ever see these +lines I should not say to you now that from the two great sorrows of +those years my heart has never been and never shall be weaned. I would +not have Alice know this, for it would open afresh the wounds her dear, +tender mother-heart has suffered. + +Galileo and Herschel are strapping fellows. They have survived their +juvenile ambitions to be milkmen, policemen, lamp-lighters, butchers, +grocerymen, etc., respectively. Both are now in the manual-training +school. Fanny, Josephine and Erasmus--I have not mentioned them +before,--these are the children that are left to us of those that have +come in the later years. And, my! how they are growing! What changes +have taken place in them and all about us! My affairs have prospered; if +it had n't been for the depression that set in two years ago I should +have had one thousand dollars in bank by this time. My salary has +increased steadily year by year; it has now reached a sum that enables me +to hope for speedy relief from those financial worries which encompass +the head of a numerous household. By the practice of rigid economy in +family expenses I have been able to accumulate a large number of +black-letter books and a fine collection of curios, including some fifty +pieces of mediaeval armor. We have lived in rented houses all these +years, but at no time has Alice abandoned the hope and the ambition of +having a home of her own. "Our house" has been the burthen of her song +from one year's end to the other. I understand that this becomes a +monomania with a woman who lives in a rented house. + +And, gracious! what changes has "our house" undergone since first dear +Alice pictured it as a possibility to me! It has passed through every +character, form, and style of architecture conceivable. From five rooms +it has grown to fourteen. The reception parlor, chameleon-like, has +changed color eight times. There have duly loomed up bewildering visions +of a library, a drawing-room, a butler's pantry, a nursery, a +laundry--oh, it quite takes my breath away to recall and recount the +possibilities which Alice's hopes and fancies conjured up. + +But, just two months ago to-day Alice burst in upon me. I was in my +study over the kitchen figuring upon the probable date of the conjunction +of Venus and Saturn in the year 1963. + +"Reuben, dear," cried Alice, "I 've done it! I 've bought a place!" + +"Alice Fothergill Baker," says I, "what _do_ you mean!" + +She was all out of breath--so transported with delight was she that she +could hardly speak. Yet presently she found breath to say: "You know the +old Schmittheimer place--the house that sets back from the street and has +lovely trees in the yard? You remember how often we 've gone by there +and wished we had a home like it? Well, I 've bought it! Do you +understand, Reuben dear? I 've bought it, and we 've got a home at last!" + +"Have you _paid_ for it, darling?" I asked. + +"N-n-no, not yet," she answered, "but I 'm going to, and you 're going to +help me, are n't you, Reuben?" + +"Alice," says I, going to her and putting my arms about her, "I don't +know what you 've done, but of course I 'll help you--yes, dearest, I 'll +back you to the last breath of my life!" + +Then she made me put on my boots and overcoat and hat and go with her to +see her new purchase--"our house!" + + + + +II + +OURSELVES AND OUR NEIGHBORS + +Everybody's house is better made by his neighbors. This philosophical +utterance occurs in one of those black-letter volumes which I purchased +with the money left me by my Aunt Susan (of blessed memory!). Even if +Alice and I had not fully made up our minds, after nineteen years of +planning and figuring, what kind of a house we wanted, we could have +referred the important matter to our neighbors in the confident +assurance that these amiable folk were much more intimately acquainted +with our needs and our desires than we ourselves were. The utter +disinterestedness of a neighbor qualifies him to judge dispassionately +of your requirements. When he tells you that you ought to do so and so +or ought to have such and such a thing, his counsel should be heeded, +because the probabilities are that he has made a careful study of you +and he has unselfishly arrived at conclusions which intelligently +contemplate your welfare. In planning for oneself one is too likely to +be directed by narrow prejudices and selfish considerations. + +Alice and I have always thought much of our neighbors. I suspect that +my neighbors are my most salient weaknesses. I confess that I enjoy +nothing else more than an informal call upon the Baylors, the Tiltmans, +the Rushes, the Denslows and the other good people who constitute the +best element in society in that part of the city where Alice and I and +our interesting family have been living in rented quarters for the last +six years. This informality of which I am so fond has often grieved +and offended Alice. It is that gentle lady's opinion that a man at my +time of life should have too much dignity to make a practice of +"bolting into people's houses" (I quote her words exactly) when I know +as well as I know anything that they are at dinner, and that a dessert +in the shape of a rhubarb pie or a Strawberry shortcake is about to be +served. + +There was a time when Alice overlooked this idiosyncrasy upon my part; +that was before I achieved what Alice terms a national reputation by my +discovery of a satellite to the star Gamma in the tail of the +constellation Leo. Alice does not stop to consider that our neighbors +have never read the royal octavo volume I wrote upon the subject of +that discovery; Alice herself has never read that book. Alice simply +knows that I wrote that book and paid a printer one thousand one +hundred dollars to print it; this is sufficient to give me a high and +broad status in her opinion, bless her loyal little heart! + +But what do our neighbors know or care about that book? What, for that +matter, do they know or care about the constellation Leo, to say +nothing of its tail and the satellites to the stellar component parts +thereof? I thank God that my hospitable neighbor, Mrs. Baylor, has +never suffered a passion for astronomical research to lead her into a +neglect of the noble art of compounding rhubarb pies, and I am equally +grateful that no similar passion has stood in the way of good Mrs. +Rush's enthusiastic and artistic construction of the most delicious +shortcake ever put into the human mouth. + +The Denslows, the Baylors, the Rushes, the Tiltmans and the rest have +taken a great interest in us, and they have shared the enthusiasm (I +had almost said rapture) with which Alice and I discoursed of "the +house" which we were going to have "sometime." They did not, however, +agree with us, nor did they agree with one another, as to the kind of +house this particular house of ours ought to be. Each one had a house +for sale, and each one insisted that his or her house was particularly +suited to our requirements. The merits of each of these houses were +eloquently paraded by the owners thereof, and the demerits were as +eloquently pointed out by others who had houses of their own to sell +"on easy terms and at long time." + +It was not long, as you can well suppose, before Alice and I were +intimately acquainted with all the weak points in our neighbors' +residences. We knew all about the Baylors' leaky roof, the Denslows' +cracked plastering, the Tiltmans' back stairway, the Rushes' exposed +water pipes, the Bollingers' defective chimney, the Dobells' rickety +foundation, and a thousand other scandalous details which had been +dinged into us and which we treasured up to serve as a warning to us +when we came to have a house--"_the_ house" which we had talked about +so many years. + +I can readily understand that there were those who regarded our talk +and our planning simply as so much effervescence. We had harped upon +the same old string so long--or at least Alice had--that, not +unfrequently, even we smilingly asked ourselves whether it were likely +that our day-dreaming would ever be realized. I dimly recall that upon +several occasions I went so far as to indulge in amiable sarcasms upon +Alice's exuberant mania. I do not remember just what these witticisms +were, but I daresay they were bright enough, for I never yet have +indulged in repartee without having bestowed much preliminary study and +thought upon it. + +I have mentioned our youngest son, Erasmus; he was born to us while we +were members of Plymouth Church, and we gave him that name in +consideration of the wishes of our beloved pastor, who was deeply +learned in and a profound admirer of the philosophical works of Erasmus +the original. Both Alice and I hoped that our son would incline to +follow in the footsteps of the mighty genius whose name he bore. But +from his very infancy he developed traits widely different from those +of the stern philosopher whom we had set up before him as the paragon +of human excellence. I have always suspected that little Erasmus +inherited his frivolous disposition from his uncle (his mother's +brother), Lemuel Fothergill, who at the early age of nineteen ran away +from the farm in Maine to travel with a thrashing machine, and who +subsequently achieved somewhat of a local reputation as a singer of +comic songs in the Barnabee Concert Troupe on the Connecticut river +circuit. + +Erasmus' sense of humor is hampered by no sentiment of reverence. For +the last five years he has caused his mother and me much humiliation by +his ribald treatment of the subject that is nearest and dearest to our +hearts. In fact, we have come to be ashamed of speaking of "the house" +in Erasmus' hearing, for that would give the child a chance to indulge +in humor at the expense of a matter which he seems to regard as +visionary as the merest fairy tale. Now Galileo and Herschel are very +different boys; they are making famous progress at the manual training +school. Galileo has already invented a churn of exceptional merit, and +Herschel is so deft at carpentering that I have determined to let him +build the observatory which I am going to have on the roof of the new +house one of these days. Galileo and Herschel are unusually proper, +steady boys. And our daughters--ah! that reminds me. + +Fanny is our oldest girl. She is going on fifteen now. She favors the +Bakers in appearance, but her character is more like her mother's side +of the family. If I do say it myself, Fanny is a beautiful girl. If I +could have _my_ way Fanny would be less given to the social amenities +of life, but the truth is that the dear creature naturally loves gayety +and is bound to have it at all times and under all conditions. Her +merry disposition makes her a favorite with all, and particularly with +her schoolmates. + +Now that I think of it, Willie Sears has been to see Fanny every +evening for the last week. I wonder whether Alice has noticed it; I +think I shall have to speak to her about it. Yet the probability is +that Alice will resent the suggestion which my mention of the matter +will convey. Alice has been saying all along that one particular +reason why our new house should be a large one is that there would then +be a room where Fanny could receive her company without being mortified +almost to death by Erasmus' horrid intrusion and still more horrid +remarks. At such times I forgive and adore Erasmus. It seems only +yesterday that I bought her a bisque doll at the World's Fair, a bisque +doll with pink eyes and blue hair, and now--oh, Fanny, are you no +longer our little girl? + +Still, we have Josephine, and I am sure she will honor us; for she was +born six years ago under the conjunction of Jupiter and Venus, and +while Mars was at perihelion. Moreover, she is the seventh daughter of +a seventh daughter, and there are those who believe that there is +especial virtue in that. I named her after the French empress, not +because I am a particular admirer of that remarkable but unfortunate +woman's character, but for the reason that upon one occasion she +secured a pension of eight hundred francs for the astronomer LeBanc, +who had already added to the sum of human happiness by locating an +asteroid near the left limb of the sun, and who subsequently discovered +a greenish yellow spot on the outer ring of the planet Saturn. I never +hear my dear little girl's voice or see her sweet face that I do not +think of the planet Saturn; and never in the solemn stillness of night +do I contemplate the scintillating glories of the ringed orb without +being reminded of the fair, innocent babe asleep in her little white +iron bedstead downstairs. + +This sentimental association of objects widely separated in space has +served to convince me that there is nothing, either in the heavens +above or in the earth beneath, that has not its use, both profitable +and pleasant. + + + + +III + +WE MAKE OUR BARGAIN KNOWN + +The Schmittheimer place has occasioned Alice and me many heartburnings +of envy the last three years. I recall that the first time we passed +it Alice exclaimed: "There, Reuben, is just the place for us!" I +agreed entirely with this proposition. The house stood back a goodly +distance from the street upon a prominence that gave it an extended +survey of the landscape, and afforded an exceptionally noble +opportunity for an unobstructed view of the heavens upon cloudless +nights. Alice particularly admired the lawn, for already she pictured +to herself the pleasing sight of little Josephine and little Erasmus at +play in the cool grass under the umbrageous trees. + +And now, having yearned and pined for this particular abiding-place a +many days, it was really ours! Alice told me about it--how she had +comprehended the bargain (for it was indeed a bargain!)--as we +proceeded together to inspect our new home. It seems that that very +morning, worn out with waiting and inflamed by a determination to do +Now or to perish in the attempt, Alice had sallied forth in quest of +the precious game. She had gone directly to the owner, had subtly +ingratiated herself in the confidence of Mrs. Schmittheimer, and, in +less than fifteen minutes' time, had made terms with that amiable +woman. And _such_ terms! My head fairly swims when I think of it. + +Mrs. Schmittheimer is a widow. Since her husband's demise two years +ago come next September, she has lived in comparative solitude in the +old home. She was not wholly alone, for with characteristic Teutonic +thrift she had rented the lower part of the house to a small family, +consisting of a mechanic, his wife, their baby, and a small dog. Mrs. +Schmittheimer herself lived and moved and had her being in the second +story, doing her own cooking and other housework, her only companion +being her faithful omnipresent cat, the sex of which (I state this for +a reason which will hereinafter transpire) was feminine. Although the +good Mrs. Schmittheimer was not unfrequently visited by female +compatriots who condoled with her and drank her coffee and ate her +kuchen, after the fashion of sympathetic, suffering womanhood, she +wearied of this loneliness; she was, in fact, as anxious to get away +from the old place as Alice and I were to get into it. + +So Alice and Mrs. Schmittheimer had little trouble in coming to an +understanding mutually agreeable. The late Mr. Schmittheimer had +always demanded the round sum of ten thousand dollars for the property +under discussion, but the prevalence of hard times and the persuasive +eloquence of my dear diplomatic Alice induced the late Mr. +Schmittheimer's relict to consent to a reduction of the price to nine +thousand five hundred dollars, "one thousand dollars in cash and the +balance in five years at six per cent. interest, payable semi-annually." + +"You see," said Alice to me, "that we practically get the place for +five years by simply paying rent. We pay one thousand dollars down and +fifty dollars a month interest. In five years there are sixty months. +and in that time we shall have paid for this place four thousand +dollars, which is but four hundred dollars more than we should have to +pay if we remained in the house we are now living in at sixty dollars a +month rental! You see, I have figured it all out, and figures can't +lie!" + +You will agree with me when I tell you right here that my wife Alice is +a superior woman. + +"Now we must be very careful," said Alice, "not to breathe a word about +this to anybody until all the papers have been signed and the property +has been transferred." + +I suggested that in so serious a proceeding it might be wise to have +the counsel of the more intimate of our neighbors; the Baylors, the +Rushes and the Tiltmans had had experience in such matters, and might +be of important service to us in this particular undertaking. + +"No," said Alice, "we must guard against every possibility of failure. +Our plan might leak out and reach the ears of the real-estate dealers, +and then we should be hopelessly lost. Our neighbors mean well, but +they are human. No, the only people I shall consult are the Denslows." + +I saw at once the wisdom of this determination. The Denslows are most +estimable folk and I admire and love them. Mrs. Denslow is of an +exceptionally warm, generous, and liberal nature, while, upon the other +hand, Mr. Denslow has the reputation of being the most cautious +business man in our city; the consequence is that in the administration +of affairs in the Denslow household you meet with that conservative +happy medium which is beautiful to contemplate. Alice was right; our +precious secret would be secure with the Denslows. In fact the +Denslows would be of distinct help to us in the vast enterprise in +which we had embarked. Mrs. Denslow would be prepared at all times to +provide sympathy and enthusiasm, and Mr. Denslow would be constituted +at once absolute engineer and watchdog of the business details of the +affair. + +But--I make the confession amid blushes--I cannot prevaricate, neither +can I dissemble. Alice knew the guilelessness and singleness of my +nature, and she should not have imposed that dreadful oath of secrecy +upon me. I would not for all the wealth of the Indies live over again +the awful four hours which followed my solemn promise to Alice not to +reveal the blissful tidings that we had bought the old Schmittheimer +place! I felt as if I had committed a crime; I was as a haunted man +must be. I dared not look my neighbors in the face lest they should +read the sweet truth in my honest eyes. + +Finally I broke completely down, for I could not stand it any longer. +I actually believe that if I had kept silent another hour the dreadful +consciousness of guilt would have swelled within me to such a bulk as +to have burst me into fragments, which would now be travelling around +aimlessly in space, like the lost Pleiad, or like the dismembered and +stray tail of a comet. So I called my next neighbor, Rush, out behind +his barn, and, under oath of secrecy, revealed the good news to him, +and then I did likewise by neighbor Tiltman, and so on, in seemly +progression, by all the other neighbors, until at last my confidence +had been securely reposed in every one. + +I cannot tell you what sweet relief I found in this proceeding. To my +killing consciousness of guilt succeeded a peace which passeth all +human understanding. There was a world of satisfaction, too, in being +assured by each of those dear neighbors that we (Alice and I) had got +the greatest bargain ever heard of, that we were the luckiest couple on +earth, that the old Schmittheimer place was just exactly what we +wanted, that the property would enhance double in value in less than a +year, etc., etc., etc. Oh, it is good to have such neighbors as ours +are! + +The Denslows were quite as glad as the others were to hear of our +bargain. Mrs. Denslow (bless her kind heart) began at once to picture +the veritable paradise into which it were possible to transform the +front lawn. In the exuberance of her fancy she portrayed winding +gravel walks among rose bushes and beds of gay flowers; rustic bowers +over which honeysuckle and ivy clambered; picturesque miniature Swiss +cottages in the trees for birds to nest in; an artificial lake well +stocked with goldfishes, and upon whose tranquil bosom a swan or two +would glide majestically through the mist of the fountain that +perennially would shower down its tinkling grace. + +It was very pleasing to hear Mrs. Denslow and Alice talk about these +things with that enthusiasm peculiar to their sex. Until "our house" +became a probability I did not really know with what rapidity it were +possible for women-folk to discuss and to decide even the most +insignificant details of the subject matter of their enthusiasm. As I +recall, in less than fifteen minutes' time after Alice had confided our +secret to Mrs. Denslow those two amiable and superior women had it +definitely settled what the color of the window shades was to be and +just how many brass-headed tacks would be required to fasten down the +new Japanese rug with which it was proposed to adorn the hardwood floor +of the library in the first story of "the addition" which had already +been determined upon. But Mrs. Denslow was no more prolific of lovely +suggestions than was Alice's widowed sister Adah, who has made her home +with us for the last two years. Adah's one o'ermastering ambition in +life has been to build a house. In the autumn of 1881 she saw in a +copy of "The National Architect" the picture and plans of a villa owned +by a plutocrat at Narragansett Pier. She preserved this paper as +sacredly as if it were one of the family archives, and upon the +slightest pretext she brought it forth and exhibited it and dilated in +extenso upon the surpassing advantages and beauties of the plutocratic +villa. + +When Adah learned that Alice and I had actually bought a place at last +she fairly wept for joy, and she excitedly produced her creased and +worn copy of "The National Architect" and besought us to remodel the +old Schmittheimer "rookery"--that is what she dared to call it--into a +villa! And when she was made to understand by means of numerous long +and earnest representations that a villa could not even be dreamed of +by poor folk, Adah was prepared to compromise the affair upon a basis +involving our promise to build a colonial house like Maria's house in +St. Jo. + +This Maria, whose name is forever upon Adah's tongue, had been Adah's +schoolmate back in St. Joseph, Missouri. Their friendship extended +through the blissful years of their early wedded life. And at the +present time they are as dear to each other as of yore. Adah +presupposes that everybody else knows who Maria is, and so everybody is +regaled perennially with Adah's loyal tributes to Maria's transcendent +virtues. Occasionally Alice (who is without doubt the sweetest-natured +creature in all the world) rebels against the example of Maria which +Adah continually holds forth. + +I have an instance just at hand. It could not have been more than half +an hour ago that I heard Adah say: "Alice, do you know I 've been +thinking about it all the morning, and I don't see how you 're going to +get along without a closet in that little east room up-stairs." + +"But," said Alice, "there seems to be no way of putting a closet into +that room." + +"Well, I think I 've hit on a plan," said Adah, and she produced a Mme. +Demorest pattern of a sleeve, upon which, with infinite pains, she had +traced certain lines with the wreck of a pencil which little Josephine +had tried to sharpen with the scissors. + +"Yes, I see," said Alice, amiably; "but that would cut in upon the +hall." + +"Well, Maria had to do the same thing when she made her house over," +said Adah, "and you 've no idea how nice it is." + +"I don't care _what_ Maria did," said Alice, bridling up. "This is +_my_ house, and I 'm not going to spoil a good hall by building any +skimpy little closets! That room will do for Erasmus, and he does n't +need any closet. So that is settled, once and forever!" + +I heard all this, myself, from the next room. I did not interfere at +all, for I make it a rule never to interpose in other people's +disagreements. I will admit, however, that it rather wounded me to +hear Alice call it "_my_ house" instead of _our_ house. + + + + +IV + +THE FIRST PAYMENT + +As for Mr. Denslow, he agreed with other friends and neighbors that in +our new old house we had secured a genuine bargain. But, as I have +already indicated, Mr. Denslow was no day-dreamer; he had a way of +viewing things that was severe in its practicality. + +Now, I am in no sense a business man; you may already have suspected +this truth. I am very far from being a fool, as those who have read my +numerous treatises (particularly my "Essay to Prove the Probability of +the Existence of an Atmosphere on the Other Side of the Moon") will +testify; but, having had little to do with the operations and methods +of trade and commerce, I am not (I admit it freely) an expert in what +in this great, bustling city of Chicago are termed affairs of the world. + +Mr. Denslow, upon the other hand, is keenly in touch with these +affairs; brought hourly during the day into contact and competition +with scheming--and not always scrupulous--men, he has acquired an +extensive knowledge of human nature of the rapacious type, and this +knowledge has made him wary, alert, prudent, and reserved. It is +perhaps this wide difference in our natures and our pursuits that has +attracted Mr. Denslow and me to each other; at any rate our friendship +has been profitable to both. Mr. Denslow's counsel upon several +important occasions has been of vast value to me, and I flatter myself +that upon one occasion at least I served Mr. Denslow to excellent +purpose. This was two years ago, when, as perhaps you remember, my +sun-spot theory was widely discussed by the newspaper press. I then +told Mr. Denslow that the recurrence of the sun spots would surely +induce a drought upon this planet, thereby causing a shortage in the +crops; whereupon Mr. Denslow "cornered the wheat market" (as the saying +is) and realized a handsome sum of money. + +Alice has long recognized Mr. Denslow's merits as a man of business; +she, too, has what, in lieu of a better term, our New England people +call faculty. So it was natural that after having drunk deep (so to +speak) at the fountain of Mrs. Denslow's enthusiasm, we should turn for +serious advice and practical counsel to _Mr._ Denslow. + +"This opportunity," said Mr. Denslow, "is one that comes only once in a +lifetime. You must not let it escape you. We should go at once to +Mrs. Schmittheimer and get her to sign an agreement to part with the +property upon the terms specified. In order to bind the agreement we +should pay her a small sum of money--oh, say one hundred dollars. The +receipt, in the form of an agreement or contract signed by her, will +bind the bargain in the contemplation of the law." + +"But it is after dark already," said Alice. "Wouldn't it seem rather +burglarious to make a descent upon the old lady at this hour?" + +"And what is more to the point," said I, "the detail (trifling as it +may appear) of planking down one hundred dollars is one which I happen +just at this moment to be unprepared to provide for." + +"The matter should be closed at once," said Mr. Denslow. "In a deal of +this kind delay is too often disastrous. As for the one hundred +dollars, I will lend you that amount, for a small cash payment is +really necessary to bind the bargain." + +My heart went out in gratitude to this noble gentleman. Never before +had I felt more keenly the value of neighborly friendship. + +"As this business is to be transacted in Mrs. Baker's name," said Mr. +Denslow to me, "it would be better for you not to go with us to see +Mrs. Schmittheimer. The presence of too many strangers might make the +old lady shy of doing what we want her to do. See?" + +Yes, I comprehended the intent of the suggestion, and I approved it. +While it was far from my desire to take any advantage of the Widow +Schmittheimer or of anybody else, I recognized the propriety of +conserving our own interests to the extent of suffering no rights of +our own to be either lost or jeoparded. So while Mr. Denslow and Alice +went upon their business mission I remained with Mrs. Denslow and her +interesting children and elucidated my theory of the ice-caps of the +planet Mars. In less than an hour Mr. Denslow and Alice returned and +exhibited with delight a receipt signed by Katherine Elizabeth +Schmittheimer, which receipt, I was glad to see, was practically a +contract to sell the property upon the terms specified in her original +talk with Alice. + +"The terms are certainly exceptionally advantageous!" said Mr. Denslow. +"It will take some time--perhaps a week or ten days--to investigate the +title; when this detail is satisfactorily disposed of you can pay down +your one thousand dollars and take possession of the premises." + +Pay down one thousand dollars? Ah, I had quite forgotten about that. +In my enthusiasm over the prospect of a home of our own, and in the +delirium induced by the delightful chatter about the paradise into +which that front lawn and that old rookery (as Adah called it) were to +be transformed, I had suffered all thought of the essential and +inevitable first payment of one thousand dollars to slip quite out of +my mind. Now this awful consideration, from which there could be no +escape, took complete and exclusive possession of me. Where in the +wide, wide world was I to get the one thousand dollars? + +This was the question I put to Alice on the way home from the Denslows' +that memorable evening. Alice knew as well as I did that my salary was +sufficient only to cover the current expenses of the family. She knew +as well as I did that the royalties from my books the last year were as +follows: + + "The Star Gamma in Leo and Its Satellite" . . . . . $1.60 + "Mars and Its Ice-Caps" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75 + "Probable Depth of the Bottle-Neck Seas as + Indicated by the Spectroscope" . . . . . . . . . .30 + "Logarithms for the Nursery" . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.15 + "Alphabetical Catalogue of Binary Stars" . . . . . . .65 + ----- + Total $4.45 + + +Alice knew, too, as well as I did, that the whole amount of money I +received from my lectures before the West Side Society for the +Diffusion of Knowledge did not exceed seventy dollars last year. She +knew all these things, and I told her so, and then I asked her where or +how she fancied we were going to raise the one thousand dollars for the +first payment on "our house." To my surprise, Alice was prepared--or +at least she seemed to be prepared for this question. + +"Reuben," said she, "I remember having heard Mr. Black say one day +during his visit to us last summer that we ought to have a home, and +that if we ever decided to buy one he would try his best to help us." + +Now that Alice spoke of it I, too, recalled that friendly remark of Mr. +Black's. A man who is drowning will catch at a straw. A man who has +bought a house with nothing to pay for it is also predisposed to +clutch. Our old friend Mr. Black now loomed up as my only sure +salvation. + +Mr. Black is upward of seventy years of age. He and my father went to +school together in Maine, and subsequently they lived near each other +in Cincinnati. Mr. Black had been a merchant; he had retired from +business rich. After my father's death, while I was still a boy, this +kind old friend was good to me, taking an interest in my work and my +welfare. He had no children of his own, and, if he did not regard me +almost as a son, I certainly grew to regard him almost as a father. +Mr. Black knew the value of money and respected it. He gave freely, +but only where he was assured it was deserved and would do actual good. +A prudent, careful, economical man himself, he encouraged prudence and +thrift in others. He never quite condoned what he regarded as +extravagance upon my part in buying my fifty pieces of mediaeval armor, +although it is to his munificence that I am indebted for the six-foot +telescope with which I am wont to scan the face of the heavens. + +The upshot of talks with Alice and Adah and the Denslows--to say +nothing of other neighbors with whom I confidentially consulted--the +upshot of these talks was that I determined to go to Cincinnati to +confer with Mr. Black upon the propriety of his advancing to me the +money wherewith Alice should make the first payment upon her--I mean +our house. To make short of a long story (for if there is one thing +that I despise above all others it is prolixity), I went to Cincinnati +and unfolded my business to my aged friend. Mr. Black appeared to be +in no indecent haste to satiate my craving. He is not, and never was, +a man of exuberant enthusiasms. I was rather pained when, upon +learning of the unparalleled bargain we had secured in the +Schmittheimer place, he did not go into raptures as did Mrs. Denslow, +and Mrs. Baylor, and Mrs. Tiltman and the rest of our neighbors at +home. So far from being carried away by any whirlwind of enthusiasm, +Mr. Black maintained a placidity of demeanor amounting to stoicism; he +plied me with questions about "titles," and "abstracts," and +"indentures," and "mortgages," and "liens," and "incumbrances," and +other things that I actually knew no more about than the veriest +Bushman knows about the theory of Nebulae. + +To add to my embarrassment he solicited explicit information about the +Schmittheimer place, in what subdivision it was located, and in what +township. Had I been a veritable human encyclopaedia I could hardly +have satisfied that man's greed for information touching that +particular spot. What knew I of tracts, of townships, of quarter +sections or of subdivisions? Were I filled with a knowledge of these +humdrum commonplaces, should I know aught of that enthusiasm which +thrills the being who, after many and long years of weary hoping and +waiting, sees the object of his desires just within his grasp? Should +Moses just in sight of the promised land be expected to give the +dimensions of that delectable spot, and to locate it and bound it and +map it off with the accuracy of a Rand & McNally township guide? + +I suppose that this conservatism is natural with some people--this lack +of fervor, this absence of enthusiasm. Still I will admit Mr. Black's +tranquillity--nay, his glacial composure--under the circumstances +surprised and grieved me. I did not understand why the prospect and +the promise of "our house" did not set Mr. Black--and, for that matter, +all the rest of humanity--into the selfsame transports of delight which +I experienced. Mind you, now, I am not complaining of nor am I finding +fault with Mr. Black. I am simply chronicling happenings and +observations. Mr. Black is a benevolent and beneficent man. He said +to me at last: "Well, you can tell Alice that I will send her a draft +for the money she needs, and within a fortnight I shall run up to take +a look at your purchase." + +I was in Cincinnati three days. I should have been there but two. A +curious happening detained me. As I was going to the railway station +from Mr. Black's house the evening of the second day I saw a man with a +reflector telescope selling views of the moon at five cents apiece. +The night was so auspicious for this diversion that I could not resist +the temptation. Thus seduced, the time sped so quickly and the +intoxication of the enjoyment was so complete that two hours slipped +away before I awakened to a realization of my folly, which cost me +somewhat over a dollar and a half, and compelled me to postpone my +departure for home to the next day. + + + + +V + +WE NEGOTIATE A MORTGAGE + +Alice and I supposed that as soon as we made that first payment upon +the old Schmittheimer place we should take possession of it. We had +hastened negotiations because naturally enough we were anxious to share +the delights of the Eden which was to be ours. It transpired all too +early in the proceedings, however, that the processes of the law are +exceedingly exacting and provokingly tedious. With the one thousand +dollars which Mr. Black gave us we fancied that we should be able to +say to the widow Schmittheimer: "Here is your money; now let us move +in." + +It seems that the business is not done in that business-like way. As +soon as the widow Schmittheimer contracted to part with her property at +a stated price and upon stated terms she awoke to a realization of the +fact that she ought to have the cooeperation and counsel of a +lawyer--although for the life of me I cannot see what there was left +for a lawyer to do. With a magnanimity and generosity which bespoke +the largeness of his nature, Mr. Denslow volunteered his services as +counsellor to the wary widow, and I confess that I should have +interposed no objection to having this versatile friend serve in this +capacity. But the widow chose to decline the gratuitous services of +Mr. Denslow, and to pay fifty dollars for the professional advice of a +certain Lawyer Meisterbaum, not a bad fellow, but one of those carping, +superficial people who pretend to a conscientiousness and a prudence +and a zeal which they actually do not possess. + +After repeated meetings and the most annoying delays, Alice plainly +told this Lawyer Meisterbaum that he had more than earned his fee by +his puerile interferences with a prompt and amicable adjustment of the +affair. Alice and Mr. Denslow and I agreed that, if we had been left +to ourselves, we could have settled the business with the widow +Schmittheimer in half a day. However, I suppose that the lawyers must +have a chance to make a living, and I can readily understand how a +really conscientious lawyer might have the lingering remnant or +suggestion of a desire to impress his client with the suspicion that he +was earning his fee. + +For fully a fortnight after my return from Cincinnati we were harassed +by the delays of the law, or, more exactly speaking, by the +exasperating crochets of the lawyer. Meanwhile there came letters of +anxious inquiry from our munificent friend Mr. Black, for that +estimable person, being aware of my predilection for ancient armor and +other curios, found it difficult to disabuse his mind of the suspicion +that his one thousand dollars might have been diverted from its +original purpose, and misappropriated to what he esteemed the uses of +folly. So it was with a feeling of great relief that finally I +apprised our generous friend by telegraph that the transaction had been +closed. + +This end had not been reached, however, until Alice had put her +signature and her seal to a curiously-phrased document which served (as +I was told) as security to the widow Schmittheimer in case of "default +in payment of interest or principal." This instrument is called, as I +remember, a deed of trust, which seems to be another and a more polite +name for a mortgage. + +I protested against Alice's putting her signature to this document, +which I still recognize as a covert foe to our happiness and +prosperity. But Mr. Denslow assured us that the proceeding was wholly +proper and businesslike, and Alice paid no heed to my expostulations. +Never before had I had any experience in matters or with instruments of +this kind, and I will admit that I have not even now any idea of what +the purport of the document in question is, further than a distinct +intuition that its involved syntax and complex and cloudy phraseology +bode no good. + +As soon as the transaction was closed the widow Schmittheimer burst +into tears and loudly bewailed having parted with her home. I then +learned that for the last ten days she had been almost constantly +besieged by old friends of hers--the same who had been wont to consume +her coffee and her kuchen and who now regaled her (in compensation, as +it were, for her past hospitality) with reproachful assurances that she +had been virtually swindled out of her beautiful property. The grief +of this lonely and amiable woman touched me to the core, and I sought +to assuage her melancholy by telling her that we should expect her to +visit us, to which she replied amid tears and seeming gratitude that +she would be sure to call every September and March, these being the +months (as I afterward learned) in which the semi-annual interest, so +called, fell due. + +As you may suppose, while Alice and I, under the direction of Mr. +Denslow, were worrying ourselves nearly to death over the miserable +details of "closing" this transaction, our neighbors and Adah (Alice's +sister) busied themselves with planning improvements in and for our new +home. It was during this period that Adah met with one of those +sorrows which benumb the sensitive feminine heart. In a moment of +vandalism ever to be deprecated, little Erasmus discovered and took +possession of that copy of "The National Architect" which contained the +picture of the plutocratic villa at Narragansett Pier. This precious +relic was put by the heedless boy to the base use of serving as a tail +to a kite, and during one of the high winds the kite blew away, and +there was an end to Adah's most precious possession! Thus perished the +link that united Adah to the sweetest dream of her maturer years. + +However, this mishap did not wholly abate Adah's interest in our +affairs. In answer to Adah's solicitation a long letter had come from +Maria, bearing the blissful promise that a carefully made plan of +Maria's house of St. Joe (drawn by Maria herself upon a fly leaf +excerpted from Maria's favorite volume, "The Life of Mary Lyon") would +soon be forwarded for our enlightenment and delectation. Maria felt +kindly toward us, and her sympathies had been awakened to their very +depths by a tender souvenir Adah had sent her--a leaf plucked from one +of the lilac bushes on the old Schmittheimer place. Both Adah and +Maria belong to that old-school class of proper feminine folk who never +pick but always pluck flowers. + +Well, Adah and the neighbors kept as busy as a bee in a bottle planning +changes that they deemed necessary in our house. When we got through +with that dilly-dallying, shilly-shallying Lawyer Meisterbaum, Alice +and I found out that Adah and the neighbors had left little for us to +do except to approve their plans and pay for the execution thereof. + +There had been a kind of tacit understanding all along that such +changes as we made in the Schmittheimer house should be superintended +by an architect-carpenter who was cordially recommended by Mrs. +Denslow. This important person's name was Silas Plum, and he had a +shop in Osgood Avenue, opposite one of our most fashionable and most +prosperous cemeteries. Mrs. Denslow always called him Uncle Si, and +this circumstance rather prejudiced me in favor of him. The facts, +too, that Uncle Si was not overcrowded with business, that he was +considerate in his charges, and that he was of so great versatility +that he could boss the plumbing as well as the carpentering--these +facts confirmed us in the opinion that Uncle Si was just the man for +our needs. + +I went with Mrs. Denslow to call upon this gifted and honest son of +toil. His modest place of business was indicated to the passer-by by +this insinuating sign: + + SILAS PLUM, CARPENTER & BUILDER. + COFFIN BOXES A SPECIALITY. + + +I am not a superstitious person. I think I have already told you so. +Still I have instincts and intuitions; and you, who are not wholly dead +to the subtle influences of the more delicate sentiments, will probably +sympathize with me when I admit that Mr. Plum's sign did not inspire me +with that enthusiasm which is at least comforting to the possessor. +The reference to Mr. Plum's "speciality" was what cast a temporary +gloom over me, but Mrs. Denslow was not one of those who suffer a +detail so insignificant as this to stand in her way; so I was bounced +into Uncle Si's shop and presented to Uncle Si in propria persona. + +Uncle Si impressed me as being a very trustworthy man. He looked not +unlike myself; his gaunt, sinewy frame betokened severe practicability, +and his calm blue eyes and large straight mouth combined to give his +face an unmistakable and convincing expression of candor. Of speech he +was monosyllabic, and this peculiarity pleased me, for I have always +admired and always cultivated directness and terseness, there being +nothing else more distasteful to me than the prolixity, diffuseness, +pleonasm, amplification, redundance, and copia verborum of some people. +I told Uncle Si all about the new purchase we had made, and I drew upon +a pine board a fairly correct plan of the Schmittheimer house as it now +stood. I gave him to understand that numerous and important changes +were required, and that I desired to secure from him an estimate as to +the cost of those changes. + +"I can't tell how much it will be till I know what you want," said +Uncle Si. + +I recognized the justness of this remark, yet at the same time I felt +bitter toward Uncle Si for not knowing without being told. To tell the +truth, _I_ didn't know. I had heard Alice and Adah talking in a +general way about "closets" and a "new hall," and "hardwood floors" +and--and--and things of that kind; I remembered having heard some +discussion of a prospective "addition," and--yes--I now recalled that +the front porch would have to be rebuilt. Hoping to conceal my utter +ignorance, I told Uncle Si that we wanted "lots of changes," but this +would not satisfy the exasperating man; he insisted upon particulars, +upon "specifications," as he termed them. + +Of course I was unable to give them; so was Mrs. Denslow. The only +really distinct idea Mrs. Denslow had of the transformation +contemplated by Alice was one concerning the front lawn, and involving +gravel walks between flower beds and under umbrageous trees; exotics +perennially in bloom; Swiss tree boxes, from which the lark carolled by +day and the nightingale warbled at night; an artificial lake, in which +goldfishes swam and upon whose translucent bosom majestic swans glided +gracefully--I assure you that Mrs. Denslow has the soul of a poet! + +But these delightful fancies did not interest Uncle Si, because they +did not concern him or his trade. So we compromised the matter by +appointing an hour that evening for Uncle Si to call and talk it all +over with Alice. This was, seemingly, the only way out of the dilemma. +All I knew was what I didn't want, or, rather, what _we_ didn't want. +Our many and long and earnest conversations with the neighbors had +determined numerous important points. We didn't want a roof like the +Baylors' roof; nor water-pipes like the Rushes'; nor backstairs like +the Tiltmans'; nor plastering like the Denslows'; nor dormer-windows +like the Carters'; nor a kitchen sink like the Plunkers'; nor smoky +chimneys like the Bollingers'; nor a skimpy little conservatory like +the Mayhews'--in fact, there were so many things we _didn't_ want that +it seemed to me that if Uncle Si had been moderately ingenious or had +given his imagination full rein, he might have guessed what we _did_ +want, and so have gone ahead without fear of incurring our displeasure. + +It was perhaps better, however, that, before undertaking his task, +Uncle Si should require some hint or intimation of what would be +expected of him. I am the last man in the world to discourage what is +ordinarily regarded and accepted as reasonable precaution against +embarrassment and adversity. + + + + +VI + +I AM BESOUGHT TO BUY THINGS + +Alice had her talk with Uncle Si and issued therefrom with the +conviction that Uncle Si was a paragon of integrity and carpentering +skill. As for Uncle Si, he must have gathered together a pretty fair +general idea of what Alice wanted, for he promised to return the next +day with plans and details and with an estimate of what the +contemplated improvements would cost. + +Meanwhile another complication had arisen. The people to whom the +widow Schmittheimer had rented the lower part of the house declined to +vacate the premises unless we paid them a bonus of fifteen dollars. +Alice indignantly protested that we had no fifteen dollars to throw +away, and I recognized the truth of this proposition. Still, a visit +to the recalcitrant tenants convinced me that they were poor folk and +could ill afford to bear the expense of moving. Another circumstance +that made me feel rather kindly toward these people was that their name +was Mitchell, and, although they made no such claim, it pleased me to +fancy that they were of kin to that distinguished family which has +contributed so largely to the glory of native astronomical research. + +Actuated, therefore, by the most honorable impulses, I gave these +people fifteen dollars which I borrowed for that purpose from my most +estimable neighbor, Mrs. Tiltman, upon the understanding that I should +pay it back when I heard from "The Sidereal Torch," to which +publication I had sent a carefully prepared essay on Encke's comet. In +this wise a matter which might have caused us much delay and vexation +was quickly and amicably disposed of. I did not tell Alice of what I +had done, for although Alice is (as I have already assured you) the +most amiable of her sex, she cannot brook what she regards as an +imposition, and this inclination to resent seeming overbearance in +others has not unfrequently put us to expense and involved us in +embarrassment. + +Another episode which is still fresh in my memory I cannot forbear +relating. Alice came to me one day not long ago--it was perhaps three +weeks since--and insisted that I should attend to having the correct +name of the avenue in which we were to live put upon the lamp-posts at +the corners of that avenue. I could not guess what Alice meant until +she informed me that, although the name of that thoroughfare had by +ordinance of the City Council been changed from Mush Street to +Clarendon Avenue, the old name of Mush Street had (by a singular +inadvertence) been suffered to remain upon the lamp-posts along that +highway. + +"The idea!" cried Alice, indignantly. "Do you suppose I would live +upon Mush Street? Do you suppose I ever would have bought that house +and lot if I had suspected even for a moment that they were not in +Clarendon Avenue? Mush Street is just horrid--everybody else thinks +so, and I know it! I won't have it Mush Street; it's Clarendon Avenue, +and I 'm going to have Clarendon Avenue engraved on my cards! Reuben, +you must see at once that the lamp-posts are changed." + +I confess that so far as I myself am concerned it matters not whether +my abiding place be in Mush Street or in Clarendon Avenue so long as I +am comfortably bedded and fed and my family are well provided for. +Names are, at best, arbitrary things. Moreover, I was well aware (and +you will see for yourself if you consult a map of our city) that that +thoroughfare which has been renamed Clarendon Avenue is actually Mush +Street, or, at any rate, a continuation of Mush Street. However, I had +a regard for that sense of feminine pride which made Alice revolt +against Mush Street. I am aware that the conspicuous characteristics +of Mush Street for many miles are goats and fortune-tellers and coal +yards and rumshops and midwiveries; these glaring features are by no +means such as the elite of our society care to affect. Conceding that +my indifference to these idiosyncrasies should not be suffered to stand +in the way of the natural current of Alice's womanly pride, I promised +to do my best toward effecting what Alice required, and I am now +engaged upon a memorial to the Mayor and the Board of Aldermen praying +that the lamp-posts in Clarendon Avenue be purged of that lettering +which suggests the commonplace antecedents of that thoroughfare. + +I find that Alice is not alone in her wretchedness. It appears that +our friends Lawyer Miles and Mr. Redleigh and their families are at +present engaged in the momentous task of getting the name of the street +in which they live changed from Cemetery Avenue to Sportland Place. +And our other friends two blocks west of us are greatly agitated just +now because the name of their aristocratic thoroughfare has, by a whim +of the municipal authorities, been changed from Alexander Avenue to +Osgood Street. I have mentioned these facts to Alice, but no sense of +that sympathy which is said to arise from the companionship of misery +seems to reconcile my dear wife to the plebeian association which the +mere mention of Mush Street suggests. + +The Sunday morning after we had actually bought the Schmittheimer place +the city newspapers made a record of the event in their "society +column," and added that it was "understood that in their beautiful new +home Prof. and Mrs. Baker would entertain lavishly." I was inclined to +take exception to this item, which I regarded as a vulgar parade of our +private affairs; moreover, the innuendo was wholly untruthful. Alice +and I did not intend to "entertain" at all; we could not afford to +"entertain." What would Mr. Black say if by chance he were to get hold +of a copy of any of those Sunday morning newspapers and read that +mendacious paragraph? He would not only lament the one thousand +dollars which he had just advanced; worse than that, he would forever +shut down on those other acts of similar generosity which, I am free to +say, Alice and I counted among the pleasing probabilities of the near +future. + +I repeat that this untruthful notoriety through the medium of the +"society column" displeased me, and I am sure I should have spoken my +mind very freely about it if I had not heard Alice reading the item +with evident gusto to her sister Adah. My amazement was increased when +Alice asked me to secure a dozen extra papers for her, as she wished to +send marked copies to certain fashionable society acquaintances and to +several other relatives in Maine! I can picture the rural astonishment +with which Cousin Jabez Fothergill of Biddeford Pool and the Strattons +of North Moosehead will read of our good fortune. I more than half +suspect that in a moment of triumphant revenge and in a spirit of cruel +malice Alice sent a copy of the paper to Miss Mears at Pocatapaug. +Miss Mears is little to me now, but once I called her Hepsival, and +even after these many years of separation I would fain undo any act of +spite which her successful rival, Alice, might attempt. + +The Monday following the publication of this strangely malevolent item +was an unusually busy day with me. I seemed suddenly to have become +the target of every man who had anything to sell. I was waited upon by +fruit-tree venders, lightning-rod agents, fire underwriters, plumbers, +gas-fitters, painters, and an innumerable army of persons having +horses, cows, pigs, chickens, shade trees, patent hitching posts, +smoke-consumers, Pasteur filters, shrubbery, lawn statuary, fancy +poultry, garden utensils, and patent paving to dispose of. I really +cannot realize how I got rid of them all, for a more affable and +persuasive lot of gentlemen I never before had met with. Come to think +of it, I have not got rid of them. They continue to cultivate my +acquaintance and on account of their attentions (polite but persistent) +I have been compelled to lay aside temporarily my investigation into +the character of the atmosphere around Aldebaran, a most delicate work +upon which I am hoping to rear the superstructure of my fame. + +I admit that these attentions rather flatter me; it is possible that +after a time--say a year or two--I may weary of the courteous gentleman +who is now seeking to sell me a dozen apple-trees, one-third cash, +balance in ten years. I may, in the lapse of time, become indifferent +to the blandishments of him who daily for the last two months has been +trying to convince me that I cannot reach the summum bonum of human +happiness until I have invested four dollars in Perkins' patent +automatic garden rake and step-ladder combination. The gentleman who +has the smoke-consumer, the gentleman who deals in shrubbery, the +gentleman who advocates lightning rods, and the other gentlemen who +represent the tantamount interests of lawn statuary, fancy poultry, +patent paving, etc., etc., etc.--I may, in the flight of years, become +insensible to their charms, for there is no change that is not rendered +possible by the capricious offices of Time. But at present I can +hardly realize how these people can ever be other than they now +are--near to me, as I know, and dear to me, as I feel. + +I did not suspect, before I became a householder, that the mere +possession of property was capable of making a man an object of such +unflagging interest to his fellow creatures. I find it very +pleasing--the solicitude with which these newly-made acquaintances (the +venders, agents, and other polite gentlemen) regard me, and attend upon +me, and seek to gain my approval. It is sweet to be beloved. + +In the very height of this enjoyment, however, there are considerations +which serve to cause me feelings of disquietude. My conscience +constantly reproves me for the deception which I am practising upon +these people. It occurred to me several weeks ago that I had no right +to pose as the proprietor of our new house. The new house and its +circumadjacent real estate belong not to me, but to Alice and to her +heirs and assigns forever. I have no proprietary rights in that house +or upon that expansive lawn; If I am there, it is simply as a piece of +furniture, like the stove, or the clock, or the centre-table. I am +simply tolerated, perhaps as an object of ornament, perhaps as an +object of use. This is a humiliating confession; the thought that it +is actually true pains me poignantly. + +I never supposed I was a moral coward, but I must be; otherwise I would +weeks ago have called an open-air mass-meeting of the apple-tree +agents, the fire-underwriters, the patent pavers and the others, and +confessed to them that their attentions were misdirected, and that I +was not in fact _the_ fortunate being whose lot they sought to better. + +A strangely craven consideration withheld me from this manly course. I +suspected that as soon as I divulged the truth I would be forsaken by +this troupe--this retinue of unctuous courtiers. In my imaginings I +beheld myself deserted and alone, while the vast army of my quondam +attendants and flatterers tagged after and surrounded and fawned upon +Alice, the real purchaser and actual owner of our new place! + +I make a candid exposition of these things, not more for the purpose of +relieving my conscience of its long pent-up misery than for the purpose +of disclosing that which may happily serve as a warning to my +fellow-beings. I long ago discovered that one of the compensations of +human folly is the example which that folly affords for the discreet +guidance of others. + + + + +VII + +OUR PLANS FOR IMPROVEMENTS + +The result of the numerous conferences between Alice and Uncle Si was +rather surprising to me. It involved the expenditure of somewhat more +than three thousand dollars. However, a letter had been received from +our beneficent friend, Mr. Black, in which that estimable gentleman +expressed the conviction that we ought not to try to live in a house +that did not have the ordinary conveniences of a modern city home, and +that we should add whatever improvements we deemed necessary to our +comfort; these pleasing expressions of opinion were supplemented by the +still more pleasing intimation that Mr. Black would advance us whatever +sum was necessary to the provision of the changes and innovations we +deemed expedient. It was evident that Mr. Black was most kindly +disposed toward us; at the same time our munificent patron took +occasion to caution us against extravagance and to impress upon us a +sense of the necessity of constant and rigorous economy--"especially +and particularly in the direction of those vanities which simply +gratify an individual whim, and are of no practical value whatsoever." + +Alice read this last sentence aloud to me several times, for it +expressed exactly her opinion of my fondness for mediaeval armor. I am +making no complaint of the sly satisfaction which Alice seemingly takes +in twitting me with my weakness. I expect to have a glorious revenge +by and by when we move into our new house, and when Alice discovers how +very appropriate and ornamental my mediaeval armor will be, set up +against the walls and in the corners of the front hall. + +Fortified by the letter from Mr. Black, we had little difficulty in +planning the most charming improvements. I make use of the plural +personal pronoun, although if I were testifying upon oath I should feel +compelled to admit that I myself had precious little to do with the +planning. It grieved me considerably to observe that while the +neighbors generally, and Mrs. Denslow particularly, were diligently +consulted as to every detail of the new house, an expression of my +wishes, views, and advice was not only not solicited, but, when +volunteered, seemed to be regarded as an impertinence. It occurred to +me at such times that prosperity by no means improved Alice's temper, +but I should perhaps have taken into consideration the circumstance +that this particular period was one of exceptional excitement, and that +had the same sense of responsibility which burdened Alice been put upon +me, I, too, should have exhibited an irritability wholly foreign to my +nature under normal conditions and environments. + +It was determined to reconstruct certain parts of the old Schmittheimer +residence and to build an addition of two stories, the first-floor room +to be devoted to the purposes of a library or living room, and the room +in the second story to be Alice's bed-chamber. A vast number of +closets were contemplated, for, as you are presumably aware, woman-kind +are passionately fond of closets, and happy, thrice happy, is the +husband who is accorded the inestimable boon of suspending his Sunday +suit from a nail therein. As for myself, I have always regarded the +average closet as an ingenious device of the evil one for the +propagation and encouragement of moths. + +Among other contemplated innovations were a butler's pantry and a +conservatory. I approved of the latter, but not of the former. I +foresaw in that butler's pantry a pretext, if not a reason, for the +purchase of china, crockery, and glassware, to be used only when we had +company and to be hidden away at other times until broken by careless +servants. + +A conservatory had for years been one of my most pleasing desires. +Although I know little of them, I am fond of flowers, particularly of +those which others care for and which do not breed or abound in +creeping things. But the use to which I was ambitious to put my--or +our--conservatory was that of an aviary. I love all pet birds, and one +of my sweetest day dreams has been that which possessed me of a large +glass room or bower well stocked with canaries, linnets, bullfinches, +robins, wrens, Java sparrows, love birds, and paroquets. I have often +pictured to myself the delight I should experience in entering into +this heaven of song and in caressing these feathered pets, in feeding +them and in teaching them pretty tricks and games. I recall those +pleasant boyhood days when a pet crow, and a flock of pigeons, and two +baby hawks afforded me rapture and solicitude combined. Then followed +an experience with a matronly hen and her brood of chicks. + +I am not ashamed to say that I loved these friends of my youth and that +I still reverence their memories. Nor am I ashamed to tell you that +for several years after I reached maturity a particular object of my +affections was a wee canary bird that sang sweet songs to me and played +daintily with my finger whenever I thrust it into the little rascal's +cage. Alice insists that I actually cried when that silly little +creature died; may be I did, for I am a very, very foolish fellow. + +One of the things I have never been able to understand is why Alice, +with all her gentleness and tenderness, has so violent an antipathy to +bird and brute pets. Alice actually seems to dislike birds and dogs +with the same zeal with which I love them. At times--you will hardly +believe it--Alice has exhibited Neronian cruelty and hardness of heart. +I remember that on one occasion she caught a harmless, innocent little +blue mouse in the pantry. She fully intended to drown the helpless +creature--as if this world were not big enough for mice and men to live +and be happy in! I had great difficulty in rescuing the tiny rodent +from his captor, and I remember the satisfaction I had in giving him +his liberty under the kitchen porch of neighbor Rush's house next door. + +At first Alice was kindly disposed toward the conservatory scheme, but +in an unguarded moment one day I chanced to breathe a suggestion that a +combination conservatory-bird cage would do very nicely, and that +settled the fate of my pleasant dreamings forever. + +But I seldom argue these things with Alice. The conservatory is now a +shattered dream, and the butler's pantry is inevitable. The graceful +alcove, which was to have been the conservatory (with aviary features), +is to be provided with a permanent, stationary seat which Adah is to +upholster in a pattern which Maria has promised to send from St. Joe. +Whenever I think of it there rise up before my mind's eye visions of +stolen meetings in that alcove, and whispered interviews, in which I +fancy I see our daughter Fanny figuring as an active participant, and +then I devoutly pray that little Erasmus' vigilance may be increased a +thousand-fold. + +I was informed in good time that the library was to be virtually the +living-room for the family. It was here that casual callers were to be +received and entertained; here the errand boys who delivered packages +from the downtown shops were to leave their goods and get their +receipts; here the laundryman was to wait every Monday morning while +Adah gathered up my hebdomadal bundle of linen for the wash; here were +the children to gather for a frolic every evening after the humble +vesper meal. + +I am wondering whether Alice and Adah and the neighbors will approve of +my dearly cherished plan to have one of the tall clocks stationed in +one corner, and my very old Suffolk oak table in another corner, and in +still another the curious old sofa which Aunt 'Gusty has promised to +send me from Darien, Georgia. I am painfully aware that Alice and Adah +and the neighbors regard the beautiful furniture in which I delight as +"old trumpery." + +When we first looked at the Schmittheimer place Alice exclaimed, upon +being ushered into one of the rooms: "Now this is just the room for +Reuben and his old trumpery!" It is twenty-two feet long and eighteen +feet wide, and there are windows to the north, west, and south. +Curiously enough, the chimney runs up through the middle of this room, +presenting an appearance at once novel and grotesque. Alice assures me +that this will prove a unique and charming feature, for she intends to +put innumerable shelves around the chimney, and place thereon the +interesting and valuable curios, the purchase of which has kept me +involved in financial embarrassment for the last twenty years. + +Alice has settled it in her own mind just where in my new room each bit +of my beloved furniture shall be located--the mahogany chest of +drawers, the old secretary, the four-post bedstead, the haircloth +trunk, the oak book-case, the corn-husk rocker, the cuckoo clock, the +Dutch cabinet--yes, each blessed piece has already had its place +assigned to it, even to the old red cricket which Miss Anna Rice sent +me from her Connecticut home twelve years ago. I am indeed the most +fortunate of men; for who but my Alice _could_ be so sweet and +self-abnegatory as to take upon her own dear little shoulders the +burden of responsibilities that elsewise would weigh upon her husband? + + + + +VIII + +THE VANDALS BEGIN THEIR WORK + +At the regular April meeting of the Lake Shore Society of Antiquarians +I met my old and valued friend, Belville Rock, and told him of the +important venture which Alice had made. He seemed greatly pleased at +the prospect of our having a home of our own, and after making careful +inquiries into the extent and character of the improvements we +contemplated he bade me tell Alice that he wanted to pay the bill for +the painting of the exterior of the house. "I desire to do somewhat +toward beautifying your premises," said he, "and I don't know that I +can do better than to paint the house. You understand, of course, that +my long and intimate acquaintance with you and Alice warrants me in +proposing as a friendly act what elsewise might be regarded as an +impertinence." + +I hastened to assure Mr. Rock that both Alice and I knew him to be +utterly incapable of any word or deed that could by any means be +misconstrued into an impertinence. We had known this amiable gentleman +for the period of twenty years. It was he who proposed me for +membership of the Lake Shore Society of Antiquarians, and it was he who +provided the means wherewith I published my first book, entitled "A +Critical View of the Causes of Eclamptic and Traumatic Idiocy." + +This was at the time in my career when I supposed I had good reason to +believe that all human mental and physical ills are directly traceable +to the influence of the moon, which theory was suggested to me by the +discovery that cabbages thrive when planted in the first quarter of the +moon and invariably pine when planted in the full of the moon. I am +still more or less of a believer in this theory, and it is my purpose +to renew my investigations and experiments in this direction, +particularly so far as cabbages are involved, for I mean to have a +kitchen garden (with Alice's permission) as soon as we move into our +new place in Mush Street--pardon me, I mean Clarendon Avenue. + +Belville Rock has always exhibited a friendly interest in me and my +welfare. He is president of a savings bank and is concerned in +numerous mercantile and speculative enterprises. He belongs to many +clubs and social organizations, and is president of the Sons of +Vermont, the Sons of New York, the Sons of Rhode Island, the Sons of +Michigan, and the other Sons who have effected formal organizations in +this city. He is treasurer of most of the current enterprises and he +is recognized as a leader of distinct influence in the several +political parties which control public affairs locally. + +Mr. Rock commands the happy faculty of divorcing himself wholly from +business during those hours which he has dedicated to sociability. He +declines to discuss monetary matters outside his room at the bank. I +recall how, upon several occasions when I have approached him upon the +delicate subject of negotiating a trifling temporary loan, he has +dismissed the matter by reminding me that he had certain days which he +set apart for business of this character, and that at other times he +devoted himself exclusively to the consideration of other things. + +I recall, too, that after persistent inquiry (having, possibly, selfish +ends in view), I learned from Cashier Bolton, who is Mr. Rock's +marble-hearted alter ego, that Mr. Rock's hours for the consideration +of all applications for personal accommodations were from 7.55 to 8 +a.m., every other Thursday. This may strike the average person as a +unique singularity, but I find it easy to understand how a man so +numerously interested in affairs as Mr. Rock is should find it +imperative to regulate his business and social conduct with the most +methodical and most exacting system. + +You can depend upon it that I lost no time in apprising Alice and Adah +and our neighbors of Mr. Rock's munificent proposition, and I hardly +need assure you that by all Mr. Rock's generosity was warmly applauded. +The incident gave rise to a new phase in the sequence of events, for +immediately a discussion arose as to the color which we ought to paint +our new house, and this discussion continued with increasing vigor for +several days. Adah was characteristically earnest in her advocacy of a +soft cream yellow, that being the shade adopted by Maria when she +repainted her St. Joe domicile--a soft cream yellow, with the blinds in +a delicate brown, that was Adah's choice as inspired by her memory of +Maria's habitation. The Baylors suggested a poetic grayish tint, which +they insisted would look specially pretty through the foliage of the +fine old trees in the front yard. The Tiltmans preferred a light +brown, and the Rushes a bright yellow. As for Mrs. Denslow, she raised +her voice in favor of "white, with green blinds," for, as she wisely +argued, it was not possible to find a more appropriate combination for +a house that had been a farmhouse and that would retain (even after we +had rehabilitated it) the most salient characteristics of a farmhouse. + +Alice and I agreed with Mrs. Denslow (as we generally do), and our +determination was confirmed when we subsequently learned, upon inquiry +of Mr. Krome, the painter, that white paint was as expensive a paint as +could be selected. It was our desire, in our choice of paint, to do +nothing likely to lessen or to detract from the lustre of the +princeliness of Mr. Rock's liberality. Mr. Rock had set no limitations +to his munificence; far be it from us to do that which might be +construed wrongfully as inappreciation of that munificence. It was the +part of friendship to premise that Mr. Rock's intentions were large, +and then it behooved us to see that those intentions were carried out +upon a scale of equal scope. We decided, therefore, that the paint +should be white, and that it should be carriage paint. + +Uncle Si had advised us to have plenty of light and air admitted to +"the addition" by means of numerous windows. According to the rude +plan he submitted for Alice's approval, "the addition" when completed +would have looked like a collection of windows of every size and shape. +This was before Mr. Rock offered to paint the house. After Mr. Rock's +proposal was made to and accepted by us it occurred to us that it would +result in a considerable saving to us if we were to limit the number of +windows and devote the space (thus economized) to clapboarding. This +would involve a larger expense upon Mr. Rock's part, but it could not +be denied that Mr. Rock could better afford paying for paint than we +could afford paying for window frames and glass. + +I think it likely that I should have called on Mr. Rock to learn his +preference in the matter had the "every other Thursday" been nearer at +hand. But Mr. Krome, the painter, and Uncle Si, the boss carpenter, +required a speedy decision, and so we went ahead without consulting our +munificent friend. Mr. Krome thereupon volunteered to do our painting +by the square yard, instead of by the square foot (as is the customary +proceeding); he admitted, with a candor rarely met with in his +profession, he could as well afford to do our house in white carriage +paint by the square yard as other rival painters could afford to do it +in common white lead by the square foot. I assured Mr. Krome of my +determination to spare no pains to cooeperate with him in every honest +and ambitious endeavor at Mr. Rock's expense. + +So now, the widow Schmittheimer having vacated the premises, the work +of rehabilitation began in earnest. Men with wheelbarrows and spades +and picks made their appearance and started in to demolish walls and to +excavate sand at a marvelous rate. Presently a cavernous space yawned +where it was proposed to locate the cellar where the steam-heating +apparatus was to stand. The sand taken from this spot was harrowed out +and dumped in a pile over the horse-radish bed in the back yard. + +This was the first piece of vandalism I noticed, and I protested +against it. Not long thereafter I discovered that the workmen engaged +at battering down the partitions in the upper part of the house were +piling up the refuse scantling and laths on the currant and gooseberry +bushes in the side yard. I protested again, and so I kept on +protesting, for hardly a day passed that I did not detect the workmen +about that house at some piece of lawlessness jeoparding the cherry +trees, or the lilac bushes, or the tulips, or the roses, or the +peonies, or the asparagus bed. + +Cui bono--to what good? With as much effect might the wild man of +Borneo rail at Capella because her silvery, twinkling light is +seventy-one years in reaching this distant planet. + +I am unalterably opposed to the wanton destruction of life. Moreover, +it seems to me that the trees, the shrubbery, the vines and the flowers +on the Schmittheimer place have certain rights which the invaders ought +to respect. At any rate, I spent the better part of two days +transplanting a number of the currant and gooseberry bushes, and +although I had a stiff neck and a very lame back for a considerable +time thereafter I felt more than compensated therefor by the conviction +that I had saved the lives of friends who would duly give me practical +proof of their gratitude. + +There were certain acts of lawlessness that I could neither prevent nor +repair. One grieved me particularly. The plumber hitched his horse to +a tree in the front yard one morning, and, before the damage he had +done was discovered, the herbivorous beast had eaten up a white lilac +bush and a snowball bush, thus completing a destruction for which there +would seem to be no compensation. Upon another occasion a stray cow +invaded the premises and laid waste the tulip bed and chewed off the +tender buds on the choicest of the rose bushes. + +But the most extensive and the most hideous depredations were committed +by human beings under pretext of necessity and of interest in my +behalf. I refer now to those remorseless men who came first and tore +up the beautiful lawn and cut away the roots of trees and digged a +deep, long pit in which to lay sewer pipes; who came again and +committed another similar atrocity under plea of laying a water-pipe; +who came still again and for the third time abused and seared and +seamed and blighted that lawn for the alleged purpose of laying a +gas-pipe! O civilization! what crimes are committed in thy name! + +These experiences sobered and saddened me to a degree that was +strangely new to me. At times I felt embittered against all the world. +But as there is no cloud that has not its silver lining, so there were +pleasant little happenings which ever and anon seemed to relieve my +despondency. On one occasion Uncle Si said to me cheerily: "We 're +going to have good luck from this time on." "What do you mean?" I +asked. "Come along with me and see for yourself," said he. + +Uncle Si led the way into the house and down into the basement. He +pointed to an old valise that, spread open, lay under the stairs amid +the debris which the masons had left. + +"That 's what I mean," said Uncle Si, "and it brings good luck every +time!" + +I saw that the old and abandoned valise contained a tabby cat at whose +generous dugs six wee kittens were tugging industriously. The widow +Schmittheimer had left her home and gone elsewhere, but faithful tabby +remained behind, true to that instinct which makes the feline +unalterably loyal to locality. + +I never before liked cats; I have always positively disliked them +because they kill birds. Yet, do you know, I actually felt my heart go +out in tenderness to this particular mother tabby and her mewing kits. +It occurred to me, as she lay there, blinking and purring in apparent +amiability and in evident pride, that here at least was a cat that +would not kill birds; if so, I would adopt her, and as for the +kittens--yes, I would adopt them, too. + +I made up my mind that I would name the kittens after my most intimate +neighbors; one should be Baylor, another Tiltman, another Rush, a +fourth Denslow, the fifth Browe, and the sixth Roth. I am sorry there +are not two more, for I should like to honor my two munificent patrons, +Mr. Black and Mr. Rock. But there must be a limit to human +possibilities. As for the mother cat herself, there was but one thing +for me to do; I had to name her Alice, of course. + + + + +IX + +NEIGHBOR MACLEOD'S THISTLE + +The incident of the tabby cat's appearance with six kittens may have +been a portent either of good or of evil. As you know, I am not a +superstitious person. I smile at those whimsical fancies which figure +so conspicuously in many people's lives, such as the howling of dogs, +the flickering of a candle, the arrangement of the grounds in a cup, +the cracking of a mirror, the sudden stopping of the clock, the crowing +of hens, the chirping of crickets, the hooting of an owl, the fall of a +family portrait, the spilling of salt, a dream of the toothache, etc., +etc., etc. If this particular cat had been black instead of tabby I +should have regarded her advent as a prognostic, for it is conceded by +all scientists that there is a mysteriously subtle virtue in a black +cat. + +The fact, however, that she was tabby dispossessed her of all power +either for evil or for good, and I could not help regarding Uncle Si +with pity for the seeming veneration in which he held this harmless and +innocent beast. Still I determined to watch and note events with a +view to confuting the superstition which foresaw good luck in the +presence of this cat and her offspring. + +While the work of rehabilitating the old house was at its height I +received a letter from my friend Byron Tinkle of Kansas City, +congratulating me upon having secured so lovely a home after so many +years of patient waiting. "And now," said he, "I am anxious to be +represented by some bit of furniture in your new place. It has +occurred to me that a handsome library table might be acceptable, and +it would certainly delight me to present you with an object which would +serve to remind you of your old schoolmate, whose affection for you has +been abated neither by separation nor by the lapse of time." + +Mr. Tinkle then went on to say that he had hit upon a very appropriate +design for a library table--a design full of historical and +mythological allusion. Four figures of Atlas supporting the world were +to serve as the legs of this table, and around the sides of the top +were to be carved scenes illustrative of the progress of civilization +since the building of Solomon's temple. Upon the four edges of the top +were to be inlaid mosaic portraits of the most famous scientists, +including Aesculapius, Moses, Galileo, Darwin, Herschel, Mitchell, +Huxley, Harvey, Jenner, etc., and the top itself was to represent a +cunningly devised map of the world, in which my native town of +Biddeford, Maine, was to appear as the central and most conspicuous +figure. + +I felt very grateful to my old friend Tinkle for his generosity, but I +said nothing of it to Alice. Recalling the experience with Colonel +Mullaly's yellow lamp, I suspected that if Alice were to hear of this +promised addition to our furniture she would surely change the whole +architectural scheme of our new home in order to adapt it to the new +centre table. + +Mr. Tinkle's princely offer was but the beginning of a series of +handsome and useful gifts. It seemed as if our friends no sooner heard +of our purchase of a home than they became possessed of a desire to +contribute toward embellishing that home. Another Kansas City friend, +Colonel Gustave Gerton, late of the Bavarian Guards, telegraphed me +that a dozen young apple trees, carefully picked from his Nonpareil +Nursery, awaited my order. The Janowins, who have a prosperous farm in +Kentucky, duly apprised us that when we were ready to stock our place +they would send us a heifer and a litter of pigs. Cousin Jabez +Fothergill forwarded to us all the way from Maine a box which was found +to contain a pint of Hubbard squash seeds, a dozen daffodil sprouts, +and a goodly collection of catnip roots. Offers of dogs came from +numerous quarters--dogs representing the mastiff, bloodhound, +Newfoundland, beagle, setter, pointer, St. Bernard, terrier, bull, +Spitz, dachshund, spaniel, colly, pug, and poodle families. Had we +contemplated a perennial bench show, instead of a quiet home, we could +hardly have been more favored. With a discretion begotten of twenty +years' experience as a husband, I referred all these proffers of canine +gifts to Alice with power to act, and I dimly surmise that +consideration of them has been postponed indefinitely. + +As soon as our neighbors realized what horticultural possibilities our +noble expanse of front yard offered they fairly overwhelmed us with +floral and arboreal gifts. During that unusually warm spell we had +about two months ago there was scarcely an hour of the day that a +wheelbarrow or a man servant or both did not arrive bearing lilac +sprouts from the Leets, or Japanese ivy slips from the Sissons, or +peonies from the old Doller homestead, or mignonette from Mrs. Roth, or +dahlias from Mrs. Knox, or marigolds from the Baylors, or pansies from +the Haynes, or tulip bulbs from Mrs. Redd, or something or another from +somebody else. + +You can depend upon it that all this kept me wondrously busy. I broke +four trowels and raised a dozen ugly blisters on my right hand in my +attempt to get these tender tokens of friendship transplanted before +they withered. One day Mrs. Baylor and Mrs. Rush took me to a +neighboring greenhouse with them; they wanted to purchase some vines to +train over their front porches. The man at the greenhouse showed me an +innumerable assortment of beautiful rose-bushes, which I bought in the +fond delusion that they would vastly embellish our front lawn. I +recall the pride with which I told Alice and Adah that I guessed I had +purchased enough flowers to fill the whole yard. I recall also the +sense of humiliation I experienced when, after that innumerable +assortment had been set out in the yard, I discovered that there was +not enough of them to make an impression even upon the most susceptible +eye. + +I am not yet quite sure whether neighbor Macleod was in earnest or +whether he meant it in fun when he sent us a magnificent thistle, with +the suggestion that we plant it in our lawn. But, out of respect to +neighbor Macleod's patriotism as a loyal son of Caledonia, I did plant +the thistle in amiable compliance with my friend's suggestion. Other +neighbors protested against this, but I imputed their objections to +that natural feeling of jealousy which is too likely to manifest itself +when the interests of other neighbors are involved. The thistle was an +uncommonly large and active one, and I suffered somewhat from its teeth +before I finally got it comfortably located in a patch of succulent +turf under one of our willow-trees. + +The unusually warm spell to which I have referred was followed (as you +will doubtless recollect), by a period of bitterly cold weather. With +an anguish which I am utterly incapable of describing, I saw my +marigolds and mignonette and roses and peonies and dahlias and pansies +and other leafy pets wither and droop and shrivel. In less than +forty-eight hours' time they were all apparently as dead as that side +of the moon which is invisible to us. The only flower or shrub in all +that once blooming lawn which remained unshorn of its beauty by the +bitter hyperborean blasts was the Macleod thistle. Proudly it reared +itself amid that desolation, and defiantly it exhibited its fangs to +foe and friend alike. + +I cannot tell you how heartily I rejoiced that I had not yielded to the +importunities of the Baylors, the Tiltmans, the Browes, and the +Denslows when, in an ebullition of neighborly jealousy, they sought the +destruction of that sturdy plant. But my delight was of short +duration. One morning before I arrived to pursue my horticultural +avocation a remorseless policeman invaded the premises and pulled up +the bristling emblem of Scotia and cast it into the hard highway under +the pretext that by so doing he was complying with a provision of the +revised statutes. I learned that this policeman is a Swede, and I can +justify his conduct only upon the hypothesis of heredity, although it +is hard to conceive that the malignant feeling which existed centuries +ago among the Norsemen who were wont to harry the Scottish coast should +exhibit itself at this remote period in the demeanor of a naturalized +Swede who presumably does not know the difference between a viking and +a meteorite. + +If I had been of a sarcastic or of a bitter nature, I might have +imputed this curious train of mishaps to the malign influence of that +maternal tabby cat which Uncle Si had hailed as a harbinger of good +luck. As it was, I could not resist giving play to my desire for +retaliation when Uncle Si confided to me one morning that some +unscrupulous person or persons had invaded the premises the night +before and had carried off about six thousand feet of choice lumber. I +was disposed to be very wroth at first, but when I gathered from Uncle +Si's remarks that the loss would fall upon him and not upon me my anger +was assuaged to a degree that admitted of my suggesting to Uncle Si +that perhaps this incident might be reckoned as a part of that "good +luck" which the advent of the tabby cat and her kits had prognosticated. + +Having unbosomed myself of this perhaps too savage thrust, I gave Uncle +Si a cigar and in my most cordial tones bade him "never mind and be of +good cheer." I make it a practice never to say or do that which is +likely to occasion pain or humiliation without accompanying the word or +the deed with somewhat that shall serve as an antidote thereunto. For +I bear ill will to none, and it is constantly my endeavor to make life +pleasant and dear not only to myself but also to my fellow beings. + +My consideration for Uncle Si's feelings was almost immediately +rewarded, for as I left Uncle Si smoking his cigar in a comforted mood +I beheld my neighbor, Colonel Bobbett Doller, coming up the driveway +and beckoning to me. If you know the colonel as I do, you know him to +be a gentleman of wealth, of position, and of influence. Moreover, +Colonel Doller is a man of large sympathies. He had heard of our +recent acquisition and had come to congratulate me. We shook hands +warmly. + +"You have here," said Colonel Doller, cordially, "a magnificent +property, and I heartily rejoice to learn that you acquired it at a +merely nominal price. Has it occurred to you, my dear sir, that this +tract, with its majestic sweep of lawn and its picturesque glory of +shade trees, presents tremendous possibilities--in fact, secures to you +the opportunity of comprehending riches beyond the dreams of avarice? +Let us be seated upon this pile of bricks while I unfold to you a +panorama of potentialities." + + + + +X + +COLONEL DOLLER'S GREAT IDEA + +Colonel Bobbett Doller and I sat down, side by side, on the pile of +bricks, and the colonel proceeded straightway to disclose pleasing +visions to my mind's eye. + +"You are doubtless aware," said the colonel, "that you are not, in the +severest acceptation of the term, a business man?" + +"Alas," said I, "I am compelled in all candor to admit that lamentable +fact." + +"Then," continued the colonel, "you probably do not know that this +noble expanse of high ground upon which your stately residence is +reared is the exact centre of a radius of eighty miles. In other +words, did the power of your vision extend eighty miles you would be +able to see for yourself from the roof of your superb house that this +point is in fact the centre of a radius representing a stretch in any +and every direction of eighty miles." + +"No, I had never supposed it possible," said I. + +"It is, nevertheless, a demonstrable fact," said Colonel Doller. "It +is more notorious, however, that this property of yours (designated in +the records as the south half of lot 16, Terhune's addition, section 9, +township of Pond View)"---- + +"Page 273, volume 105," said I, interrupting him; for I suddenly +recalled the superscription on the warranty deed. + +"Exactly," said Colonel Doller, with a genial smile. "Now, as I was +about to remark, it is notorious that this property of yours is situate +in the very heart of the delectable tract known to the world as the +North Shore. I do not exaggerate when I say, in the language of my +popular brochure entitled, 'Homes for the Homeless,' that the North +Shore offers inducements, both for the living and for the dead, which +are not met with in any other part of our growing community. +Recognizing the merit of these inducements, immigration has turned its +tide toward the North Shore. Ten years ago there was naught but +desolation where now the dandelion blooms and the voice of the +tree-toad is heard in song. What do we see about us to-day? To the +north of us the roof of Martin Howard's new barn glistens under the +smiling noonday sun. Turning our gaze westward we behold the turrets +of the palatial residence which neighbor Bales has erected in Razzle +Street. Yonder in the southeast horizon we detect the tall, lithe +flagpole which Major Ryson has set up as a graceful tribute to the +memory of the late lamented yacht club. Cast your eyes where you will +and you will see convincing evidences of the onward, irresistible march +of civilization. + +"This noble property of yours," continued Colonel Doller, "is the very +heart of all this pulsing, throbbing, bustling, teeming civilization. +Why, my dear Baker, I would not exchange (if I were you) the +opportunities now within your grasp for any other conceivable +thing--not even though millions were placed in the opposing scale!" + +"I don't believe I understand you," said I. + +"I will be more explicit," said Colonel Doller. "The tide of +immigration has already overwhelmed this section; a great commercial +wave is closely following it. Trade will soon locate its emporiums in +the midst of us. Already two blocks to the south of this property a +commercial mart has begun to invite the attention and the patronage of +our public." + +"You refer to Pusheck's grocery store?" + +"The same," said Colonel Doller. "Presently a barber-shop and a banana +stand will follow; then a bicycle repair-shop will spring up in our +midst, and from that moment our status as a commercial centre will be +assured." + +As I was in no sense a business man I could not deny this. To be frank +with you, it all looked very plausible to me. + +"There is nothing else," continued Colonel Doller, "more practicable or +of greater value than foreseeing events and being prepared for them. +Now, here you are in the very midst of this flood of immigration, and +with the tidal wave of commerce at your very door. Is your property in +a position to avail you handsomely in case you accede to the demands of +reason and conclude to yield to the persuasions of immigration and +commerce? The consideration which should be paramount with you is +this: 'Having secured this property, how can I get rid of it to the +best advantage?'" + +"But it is n't for sale," said I. + +"True, quite true," answered Colonel Doller, with a weary, patient +smile, "but it will be. What is North Shore property for if not for +sale? You certainly do not intend to violate all the customs and +traditions of the community by holding out against an opportunity to +benefit yourself? That, my dear Baker, would be folly." + +"But nobody has asked us to sell," said I, apologetically. + +"That is because your property is not in desirable shape," said the +colonel. "If it were, you would have chances to enrich yourself in +less than a month. You see your lot fronts one hundred feet on +Clarendon Avenue, and runs back two hundred and thirty-nine feet to a +prospective alley; this gives you one hundred feet of salable property, +but with a depth that actually involves a wicked waste of land. Now +suppose you were to buy the twenty-five feet that lies to the south on +Clarendon Avenue just between your lot and Sandpile Terrace. That +would give you a frontage of two hundred and thirty-nine feet on the +terrace, with a depth altogether of one hundred and twenty-five feet! +Do you follow me?" + +"Yes, I see," said I, as this good and shrewd man's meaning gradually +stole upon me. + +"With that additional twenty-five feet," resumed Colonel Doller, "you +could divide up the whole property into what you might call (if you +chose) Baker's Subdivision: then you could parcel it off into +twenty-foot lots with frontage on Sandpile Terrace--and there you are, +a rich man almost before you know it." + +"Gracious me! That _is_ a great idea!" said I, and I whistled softly +to myself. + +"Great? Well, I should say so!" exclaimed Colonel Doller. "I knew it +would appeal to you, for you are a man of intelligence and capable of +foreseeing and appreciating potentialities." + +"Who owns that strip?" I asked, referring to the twenty-five feet +adjoining our lot to the south. + +"Well, it happens to be mine," said Colonel Doller. "As soon as I +heard that you had purchased this place it occurred to me that you +ought to have that twenty-five feet in order to make the rest of your +property available. So, without saying a word about it to anybody +else, I 've stepped over here to tell you that if you want it I 'll +throw that strip in to you at one hundred and twenty-five dollars per +front foot." + +"We gave only one hundred dollars a foot for this lot," said I. + +"Very true," said Colonel Doller, "but _my_ lot admits of giving you a +frontage of two hundred and thirty-nine feet on Sandpile Terrace." + +"To be sure it does," said I. "For the moment I quite lost sight of +that. Well, I think very favorably of it, and I suspect Mr. Black +would insist upon my closing with you at once. I 'll speak to Alice +about it." + +"Be careful not to breathe a word of it to anybody else," suggested +Colonel Doller in a low, mysterious tone, "and whatever else you do, +don't let my partner, Leet, have even so much as an inkling of the fact +that we 've had a talk! You understand?" + +"It shall be kept a profound secret!" said I, with solemn earnestness. + +Colonel Doller patted me reassuringly on the shoulder as he arose to +depart. + +"Baker," said he, kindly, "you are as good as a rich man already! You +get that extra twenty-five feet and make a subdivision of this +property, and you 'll have so much money you won't know what to do with +it! Why, the next thing we'll hear of you, you'll be living in a +castle on a hill, with an observatory--just think of it, Baker, old +man! an observatory and a twelve-foot telescope capable of discovering +a new comet every night, rain or shine!" + +The kind gentleman's enthusiasm quite took my breath away. As I +watched him departing down the shady drive my heart overflowed with +gratitude, and again I thanked the providential Power that had given me +so many kind, solicitous, and self-sacrificing friends. + +My conversation with Colonel Doller set me to indulging in thoughts +which were entirely new to me, and which pleased me with their novelty +and brilliancy. I fancied myself already possessed of a wealth which +permitted me to pursue unreservedly those studies and investigations +which have been my delight since youth. In imagination I pictured +myself the owner of a sightly residence surmounted by a spacious +observatory, in which was located a magnificent reflector-telescope +operated by the newest and nicest mechanism. It was pleasing to be +rich, even in fancy. My thoughts reverted to the children. + +"Dear pampered darlings," I murmured, "they little know the lives of +independence and of ease that are before them. They will never know +what it is to toil and to economize. And Alice--sweet girl--this will +put an end to her worry about grocery bills!" + +It is curious how completely I lost interest in our new house as soon +as the prospect of getting rich dawned upon me. You will not believe +it, but after that talk with Colonel Doller I looked with actual +disdain upon the old Schmittheimer home and its broad, velvety lawn +under the noble trees. I was so possessed with the fascinating scheme +suggested by Colonel Doller that I was even tempted to bid Uncle Si and +his men quit work until I had consulted with Alice as to the +feasibility of abandoning the proposed improvements and investing the +rest of Mr. Black's three thousand dollars in the twenty-five-foot +strip to the south of us. I am glad now that the still small voice +within me prevailed, and that I saw Alice before saying anything to +Uncle Si. + +"Reuben Baker," exclaimed Alice, "that property is _mine_ and I bought +it for a home, _not_ to _sell_. If you and Colonel Doller want to +speculate, you need n't think you 're going to rope me into any of your +schemes." + +"But, Alice, darling--" + +"I sha' n't listen to a word of such nonsense," persisted Alice. "So, +there." + +I was inclined to remonstrate, but just at that moment the front door +bell rang and a telegraphic message was handed in. The message was +from Cincinnati and it read in this wise: + +"Shall be there to-morrow morning to look things over. _Luther M. +Black_." + +In the prospect of a visit from our patron, Mr. Black, I speedily +forgot all about Colonel Bobbett Doller and his pleasing panorama of +potentialities. In this we see illustrated the wisdom of Providence in +so dispensing human events as to soothe the wounds of disappointment +with the balm of anticipation. + + + + +XI + +I MAKE A STAND FOR MY RIGHTS + +Shortly after Mr. Black's arrival that worthy gentleman was escorted +with all due formality to the old Schmittheimer place in Clarendon +Avenue. Recognizing the fact that first impressions are lasting, we +determined that Mr. Black's first impressions of our purchase should be +favorable. So we conducted him to our property by a rather circuitous +route. The approach to the old Schmittheimer place from the north is +by all means the most agreeable; it leads by Mr. Rink's fine colonial +house and Martin Howard's new place and through an embowered avenue of +weeping willows, which, out of deference to his melancholy profession, +Mr. Dimmons, landscape gardener of our most prosperous cemetery, has +constructed in front of his beautiful residence in Thistle Patch Court; +a turn is then made upon Dandelion Place, and just one block this side +of Mr. Allworth's bowlder house (famous as the greatest bargain ever +acquired on the North Shore) another turn to the right brings you in +sight and within a few yards of our property. + +Mr. Black was pleased with the neighborhood. He is not a man of +enthusiasms; in all the years of my acquaintance with him I have never +known him to give way to an ebullition of any kind. Yet upon this +occasion there was an expression upon his face when he first set eyes +upon our property which gave me to understand that he approved of our +purchase. I hastened to clinch this favorable impression by apprising +him briefly of the proposition Colonel Bobbett Doller had made to me +the previous afternoon, and I flatter myself that, between us, Alice +and I made a pretty fair presentation of the merits of our new place. + +"You seem to have begun reconstructing the house," said Mr. Black. +"Who is your architect?" + +"We have no real architect," said I. "In order to save expense we have +employed a boss carpenter capable not only of designing plans, but also +of executing them. His name is Silas Plum." + +"Plum? That is a very familiar name to me," said Mr. Black. "I wonder +whether he is any kin to the Plum family of Maine. There was an +Elnathan Plum, who used to live in Aroostook, and I went to school with +him at Pocatapaug Academy in the winter of 1827. The last time I +visited Maine I was told that he had moved west in 1840, or +thereabouts. He married a third cousin of mine whose maiden name was +Eastman--Euphemia Eastman, as I recall it." + +Of course I was unable to say what Uncle Si's antecedents were, but I +felt pretty certain that, if left to himself, Mr. Black would find out +all about them, for of all the people I ever met with Mr. Black surely +has the most astounding faculty for acquiring and remembering +genealogical data. + +Our worthy friend consumed fully a half-hour's time inspecting our +front lawn, examining into the condition of the fence, learning what +kind of trees we had, and ascertaining the character and depth of the +soil. I do not hesitate to affirm that he knew more about these things +at the end of that half-hour than I shall know at the end of ten years' +daily association with them. I took pains, however, to make the most +of what small knowledge I had, and with considerable flourish I called +Mr. Black's attention to our lilac and gooseberry bushes, and with +conscious pride pointed out the wild grape vine in the corner of the +yard. I told Mr. Black that it was our intention to have a kitchen +garden back of the house, and that among other things we should +cultivate onions of the choicest quality. I had an object in +specifying the onions particularly, for I knew that Mr. Black had a +fondness (amounting almost to a passion) for this succulent fruit. + +In all that I pointed out and in all that I said Mr. Black appeared to +take more than common interest. One thing that seemed to please him +particularly was the discovery that three of our currant bushes had +escaped the malice of the workmen, and he promised Alice to write to +his niece at Biddeford for her recipe for making currant wine, a +beverage which, he assured us, would cheer but not inebriate. + +Alice and I had made it up beforehand that we would leave Mr. Black and +Uncle Si together for a spell after we had introduced them to each +other; for we wanted our patron to learn for himself (unembarrassed by +our presence) just what had been done and how it had been done. I take +it for granted that the two enjoyed their three hours' confabulation, +but I more than half suspect they spent precious little of that time in +a discussion of our affairs. Mr. Black told me afterward that he had +ascertained that Uncle Si (or Silas, as he called him) was, as he had +surmised, a son of Elnathan Plum of Aroostook. + +"Silas looks more like his mother's side of the family," said Mr. +Black. "The Eastmans, as I remember them, were tall and spare, with +blue eyes and straight noses. We have an Eastman in Cincinnati who +looks enough like Silas to be his brother, although he belongs to the +Ebenezer Eastman branch of the family, who located in Westboro, Mass,, +in 1765. Tooker Eastman, the Cincinnati representative of the family, +is pastor of the First Church; he married Sukey, the widow of Amos +Sears, who (that is to say, Amos) was a son of Calvin Sears, who was +postmaster at Biddeford while I was a young man in that town." + +From this and other similar morsels of information which Mr. Black let +fall in my hearing I gathered that Mr. Black's talk with Uncle Si had +been rather of a historical and reminiscent than of a business +character. But this mattered not to me; it was clear that Mr. Black +approved of our purchase and of the improvements we contemplated, and +that was enough to insure our entire satisfaction. + +When I came down from my study that evening I found Mr. Black and Alice +sitting in the parlor, looking mysteriously solemn. + +"I have been advising your wife to make a will," said Mr. Black. + +"Why, Alice dear, are you ill?" I asked, in genuine alarm. + +Alice laughingly answered that she had never before felt heartier or in +finer spirits. + +"Then why make a will?" I asked. "Who ever heard of a person's making +a will unless he was sick?" + +"You are laboring under a delusion too common to humanity," said Mr. +Black. "In the midst of life we are in death. It is during health and +while we are in full possession of our physical and mental faculties +that we should provide against that penalty which we all alike as +debtors are sooner or later to pay to nature. Your wife has recently +become possessed by purchase of property that may eventually be of +large value. It seems proper that she should draw a will indicating +her desires as to the disposal of this property in the event of her +demise." + +"But what," I cried with honest feeling, "what would be lands or gold +without my Alice?" + +"Calm your agitation, Reuben dear," said Alice. "The suggestion which +Mr. Black has made does not involve you to the extent of making you an +heir." + +"No," said Mr. Black, "it is proper that you should have a life estate +in the property, but the property itself should ultimately go to the +children." + +"Still," said Alice, thoughtfully, "if Reuben were to survive me it +would be just like him to marry again, and I believe I should just rise +up in my grave if I thought another woman was living on the premises +which I myself had earned." + +"Oh, but Alice, that is very unfair!" I expostulated. "It is _I_ who +am earning the money--or, at least, it is I who expect to earn the +money wherewith to repay our dear friend, Mr. Black, the sums he has +advanced and may advance for our property!" + +"There! I suspected it all the time," cried Alice, indignantly. "You +are already claiming the property--you are already preparing for my +death--I daresay you have your eyes already on the woman who is to step +into my place when I am gone! But I won't die--no, I just won't! But +I 'll make a will and I 'll give everything to the children, and you +sha' n't have a thing when I do die--not a thing, not even a life +estate--so there!" + +Mr. Black and I were trying to soothe the dear creature, when there +came a knock at the front door. Alice popped up and made her escape +into the dining-room. The front door opened and the ruddy, smiling +face of neighbor Denslow appeared. + +"Pardon my informality," said Mr. Denslow, cheerily; "can I come in?" + +"By all means," I cried. "You are in good season to meet my old and +valued friend, Mr. Black." + +Mr. Denslow greeted Mr. Black effusively. All my neighbors had heard +me speak of my generous patron, and they all took a really noble +neighborly pride in promoting my interests with him. Mr. Denslow began +at once to dilate in eloquent terms upon the bargain Alice and I had +secured in the old Schmittheimer place. + +"And, by the way," said Mr. Denslow, turning to me, "the mention of +your bargain reminds me of the object of my call. August +Schmittheimer, a son of the widow, came to my office to-day to tell me +that he is prepared to let you have the thirty-three feet in the rear +of your lot at a merely nominal price--say two hundred dollars." + +I had cast envious eyes upon this particular strip of ground several +times. Alice had remarked that it would afford an ideal spot upon +which to hang out the washing on Monday mornings; at other times it +would serve as a convenient playground for Josephine and little +Erasmus. It really seemed like a special Providence that what we had +been wishing for should unexpectedly be thrust within our very grasp. + +"I think that we should have that extra strip by all means," said I; +and then I added, by way of demonstrating the wisdom of my opinion to +Mr. Black: "We shall thus be enabled to enlarge our onion bed to +pretentious proportions." + +This argument must have convinced Mr. Black, for he remarked at once +that he recognized the wisdom of acquiring the extra piece of land at +the bargain price suggested. + +"If it pleases you, then," said Mr. Denslow, "I will attend the first +thing in the morning to having the investigation into the title begun, +and I suppose that within the next three days the deal can be +consummated and the property duly transferred to Mrs. Baker." + +Too often I do not think of the bright and felicitous thing to say or +do until it is too late. On this occasion, however, a really shrewd +and happy thought occurred to me. The somewhat malicious purpose it +contemplated was justified, I claim, by the context (so to speak) of +events. + +"Neighbor Denslow," said I, confidentially, "when it comes to the +transfer of that property please be so kind as to have the warranty +deed made to me." + +Mr. Denslow looked so surprised, and so did Mr. Black, that I deemed an +explanation necessary. + + + + +XII + +I AM DECEIVED IN MR. WAX + +I went on to say that it seemed to me to be unwise to invest too much +power in Alice's hands; that _I_ had certain rights which should be +protected, and that if I was not to be assured a life estate in Alice's +property I ought to have at least thirty-three feet to which I could, +in an emergency, retire to spend the evening of my existence in peace +and security. + +"Possessed of that thirty-three feet," said I, "I make no question that +I shall soon be able to bring Alice to terms. Give me the power to +stand on my own patch of ground and defy Alice every Monday morning +when the weekly wash is ready to be hung out, and I will cheerfully +risk the future." + +Mr. Denslow and Mr. Black are sensible and loyal men; they recognized +the propriety of standing by me in this emergency, and it was agreed +that the extra piece of ground should be conveyed to me. + +That night I dreamed that Alice had been called to her heavenly reward +and that I had been turned out of doors by our heartless children. I +was an aged and tottering man. The wind blew lustily and a storm was +raging. I drew my threadbare coat closer about me, for I was shivering +with the cold. + +"Alas," I cried (in my dream), "whither shall I turn? Is there no spot +on earth where I can die in peace?" + +Then, O joy! it occurred to me (in my dream) that I owned the +thirty-three feet back of the dear old home. Two years' taxes were due +on it, but it was still mine--all mine! + +"The snow is deep and clean and hospitable there," I cried (still in my +dream), "and it is all mine own! To that snowbank will I make my way, +and there will I lie down to sleep my last sleep." + +But just then I awoke to discover that it was only a dream. Had I been +of a superstitious nature I might have read in this dream divers +premonitions and strange significances. As it was, it merely confirmed +me in my belief that I had done wisely in securing that +thirty-three-foot strip. + +Mr. Black went back home next day, and nothing more was said for the +nonce about a "will" or a "life estate," or any matter thereunto +appertaining, and disagreeable to Alice and to me alike. The cold +weather having melted away into sunshine and warmth, I once more began +to be deeply interested in horticulture and floriculture, and this, +too, in spite of the ineffaceable scars which the spade-wielding +vandals had left in the large front yard in the alleged interest of the +sewer, water, and gas-pipes. + +This enthusiasm of mine in behalf of matters of which I knew absolutely +nothing was retired by my respected neighbor, Fadda Pierce, who is so +learned in all affairs involving flowers and shrubbery that I actually +believe that what he does n't know about them is n't worth knowing. +Fadda's cottage is covered with every variety of dainty and luxurious +vine, and in his yard bloom all kinds of rare and beautiful flowers. +He is so famed for his fondness for and luck with flowers that I felt +grateful to the dear old gentleman when he visited me with a view to +advising me as to the kind of flowers I ought to plant in my lawn and +around the house. + +It was then that I learned of the existence of shrubs, vines, and +flowers of which I had never before heard. It is indeed amazing that +an ordinarily intelligent man can reach the age of forty-five years +without being able to profess truthfully a more or less intimate +acquaintance with hydrangeas, fuchsias, taraxacums, syringas, +sisymbriums, gilliflowers, kentaphyllons, maydenheer, chrysanthemums, +orchids, geraniums, lichens, laburnums, jasmines, heliotropes, +gentians, eucalyptuses, crocuses, carnations, dahlias, cactuses, +billybuttons, anemones, anthropomorphons, amaranths, etc., etc. Fadda +Pierce did not chide me for my heathenish ignorance; he seemed to take +it for granted that I had been too busy acquiring knowledge in other +lines to have time to devote to research in botany. He was much more +considerate than neighbor Roth was when he pulled up his team in front +of my house one day and asked me how far it was to Glencoe. I answered +that I did not know; whereupon he shrugged his shoulders and muttered: +"I thought as much, by gosh! You can tell how fur 't is to the sun, +the moon, an' the stars, but you can't tell how fur 't is to Glencoe!" + +Fadda Pierce advised me to set out about two dozen cobies (I think he +called them) around our new colonial front porch, and then he kindly +designated certain spots in the yard where beds ought to be constructed +for certain flowers, the names of which he wrote down on a slip of +paper. Some of these beds were to be circular, some square, and some +oblong. Fadda told me that I would require at least three loads of +black dirt, and he gave me the address of a person who dealt in this +precious commodity at one dollar and a half a load. I called upon this +person at once and ordered the three loads of black dirt to be +delivered immediately. I then bethought myself that I required an +outfit of garden tools; so I made my way to the nearest hardware shop +and purchased a spade, a hoe, a rake, a wheelbarrow, a watering can, a +trowel, and a pruning-knife. I trundled the barrow home, with the +other purchases in it. + +The day was exceedingly warm, and my appearance in this new role +excited the derision of my neighbors; but I felt rather flattered to be +called Farmer Baker, and I was glad to give the Baylors, the Edwardses, +the Dollers, the Tiltmans, the Rushes, the Sissons, and the rest to +understand that I by no means disdained to condescend to the humble +plane of an agriculturist. Now that I come to think of it, I remember +to have read somewhere that Galileo took his recreation at hoeing and +grubbing in the vineyard adjoining his observatory. + +As I trundled the barrow up the winding road of the Schmittheimer place +I became aware that a man was following me. So I stopped and waited +for him to overtake me. His appearance indicated poverty and all its +attendant miseries. + +"Good sir," said the stranger, "pardon me for this intrusion, but +misfortunes of a most grievous character compel me to thrust myself +upon your mercy. You behold in me, sir, one of the most hapless of +creatures, one whom adversity has buffeted with cruel pertinacity, and +finally driven out to become a homeless and friendless wanderer upon +the face of the earth. My name, sir, is Percival Wax, born and reared +under the auspices of riches, but now forced by the reverses of +remorseless fate to importune you for the wherewithal to procure food +and lodging." + +"Mr. Wax," said I, "your appearance by no means belies your words. +Your raiment is torn and soiled; your shoes are not mates, and your hat +was evidently made for a larger head than yours. I also read in your +dim eyes, your unkempt beard, and your dishevelled hair corroboration +of your claims to intimacy with adversity. While I sympathize with you +in your misfortune, I cannot break one of the imperative rules which +govern the conduct of my life; if you are willing to work I will gladly +provide you with the means of relief from your embarrassment." + +"Work? Ah, kind sir," said Mr. Wax, eagerly, "it is that which I have +vainly sought for weeks. I have been out of employment ever since the +combined efforts of our National Administration and of our incompetent +Congress succeeded in sowing the seeds of distrust in every mind, +thereby stagnating business and precipitating a financial crisis, from +the debris of which I can never hope to arise." + +"Can you make flower-beds, Mr. Wax?" I asked. + +"Kind gentleman," he answered, "my profession before financial ruin +overwhelmed me was that of a landscape gardener." + +This was, indeed, a marvellously pleasing coincidence. Here was the +very man I needed. + +"Take up the barrow, Mr. Wax, and follow me," said I. + +I showed him where I wanted the flowerbeds made--the circular, the +square, and the oblong. He was first to remove the turf and then fill +in and square up the beds with black dirt. I found him quick to +understand, and he seemed to be anxious to get to work. + +"You can begin as soon as you please," said I. "Meanwhile I shall go +to luncheon, and on my return I shall bring you three or four mustard +sandwiches and some hard-boiled eggs to stay you until you have +finished your task." + +"Thank you, kind sir," said Mr. Wax with tears of gratitude in his +voice. + +I was gone an hour or more. At luncheon I told Alice of what I had +done, but she did not seem to share my enthusiasm at having provided +Mr. Wax with an opportunity to turn an honest penny or two. She very +clearly indicated to me her distrust of all tramps, to which class she +was sure Mr. Wax belonged. Thereupon I warned Alice against the +inhumanity and wickedness of insensibility to the sufferings of others, +and I was glad that the children were at the table with us to hear my +remarks in praise of that charity which has compassion for all +conditions of misery. + +Upon my return to the Schmittheimer place I was disappointed to find +that no progress had been made with the flower-beds. + +"I wonder where Mr. Wax is?" said I to Uncle Si. + +"Do you mean that ---- tramp that was here about noon?" asked Uncle Si. + +"He may have been a tramp," said I, purposely ignoring Uncle Si's +profane epithet (for I do not approve of profanity). + +"He went away shortly after you went," said Uncle Si. "I asked him +where he was going with the wheelbarrow and the garden tools, and he +said you had hired him to take them over to your house in Heavenward +Avenue for you." + +"Mr. Wax lied to you," said I. "He has stolen that barrow and those +tools." + +Uncle Si consoled me by telling me that in all human probability Mr. +Wax had sold his stealings by this time and was already squandering his +ill-gotten gains in a barroom. I lamented not only the ingratitude and +dishonesty of this man whom I had sought to befriend, but also the loss +of my barrow and my garden tools. There was, however, some consolation +in the thought that my experience would serve me to good purpose in the +future. + +The three mustard sandwiches and the two hard-boiled eggs which I had +brought from home for Mr. Wax's luncheon I now took down into the +cellar and fed to Alice, the mother cat. Had I been a superstitious +person I should not have performed this kind deed by one whom many +might have regarded as the prognostic (if not actually the cause) of +the many evils which had befallen me of late. As it was, I took a kind +of spiteful satisfaction in observing that the gaunt beast did not +exhibit that exuberant fondness for mustard sandwiches and hard-boiled +eggs which might be confidently looked for in the mother of six healthy +and always hungry kittens. + + + + +XIII + +EDITOR WOODSIT A TRUE FRIEND + +One morning--it was a Thursday morning, as I distinctly recall--I was +much surprised to find that work upon the house had practically been +suspended. I was sure there could not have been a strike, for I told +the workmen at the beginning that whenever they felt as if they were +not getting enough pay they must come to me about it and I would raise +their wages. They had already been to me three times and received an +increase of pay each time. So I felt moderately secure against a +strike. Uncle Si explained the situation briefly. + +"The plasterers were to have begun today," said he, "but there is no +water for them; so I had to send them away." + +"No water?" I cried. "No water? Then tell me, I pray, why this noble +front yard of ours has been converted into a dreary waste by those +vandals with their spades and picks? Why is that deep, wide, ragged +ditch still yawning in our faces and threatening the death of every +tree at whose roots it crawls? And why did I pay Sibley the plumber +forty-five dollars last Saturday night, if it were not for the laying +of water pipe in that hideous ditch? No water, indeed!" + +"It is nobody's fault but the city's," explained Uncle Si. "The pipe +is all laid and nothing remains but for the city to make the connection +with the main in the street. You see _we_ can't tap the main; that is +for the city to do." + +"Then why does n't the city do it?" I asked. + +Uncle Si shrugged his shoulders. + +"The city _ought_ to do a good many things it _does n't_ do," said he. +"They promised to have that main tapped at eight o'clock last Monday +morning, and here it is ten o'clock Thursday morning and not a drop of +water on the place! There is n't any use kicking, for those +politicians down at the City Hall do things their own way and take +their own time doing 'em!" + +I saw that argument with Uncle Si meant simply a waste of time, so I +determined to go down-town to the City Hall myself to see whether no +eloquence or indignation of my own would move the derelict officers to +a performance of their duty. On the train I fell in with Mr. Leet, who +was on his way to his place of business. He had not seen me since our +purchase of the Schmittheimer property, and he took this first occasion +to congratulate me upon what he called one of those bargains which +occur at rare intervals in a century. Finding me in a felicitous mood, +Mr. Leet went on to say that the property we already possessed would be +enhanced in value an hundred-fold and would be rendered marketable +instantaneously by the further acquisition of the twenty-five feet +adjoining it upon the north. + +"Yes," said I, "Mr. Doller spoke to me about that twenty-five-foot +strip some time ago." + +"Aha, so Doller has been approaching you, has he?" said Mr. Leet, +softly. "Well, Doller is very cunning--very cunning, indeed. But he +has nothing to do with the _north_ strip. _He_ owns the twenty-five +feet to the _south_ of your property, the piece fronting on Sandpile +Terrace, and a very malarious location it is, too. I pledge you my +word, Mr. Baker, I have seen mosquitos hovering over that Doller strip +at night as big as bats!" + +I could neither deny nor affirm the truth of this assertion. + +"My twenty-five-foot strip to the north," continued Mr. Leet, "is high +and dry and sightly. The view it commands of the Water Works is +indescribably fine. You are surely practical enough to see, Mr. Baker, +that by purchasing that strip and throwing it in with yours you will +have a subdivision fronting upon Dandelion Place which would offer +unparalleled inducements to the seeker after suburban property. What +is more," added Mr. Leet in a confidential whisper, "it would not +surprise me a bit if there were coal deposits in the twenty-five-foot +strip of mine. I have very distinct suspicions, but the paramount +importance of my other business interests has prevented me from making +the investigation which might enrich me beyond all calculation. Now, +you have time, and if you feel disposed to take that property I 'll let +you have it at the merely nominal price of one hundred and twenty-five +dollars a front foot." + +This seemed reasonable enough, particularly when I considered the +chances of there being a coal mine on the property. However, as I had +told Mr. Doller, so I now told Mr. Leet: I would first have to speak to +Alice about the matter. Then I confided to Mr. Leet the object of my +mission down-town. Presumably in the hope of insuring and clinching my +devotion to his interests as represented in his twenty-five-foot lot, +Mr. Leet manifested solicitude in my behalf and inveighed bitterly +against the shiftlessness of the municipal administration as +illustrated in the neglect to tap the water main for the benefit of my +property. + +"The most aggravatingly exasperating part of it all," says I, "is that +I am a Republican and have been one for thirty years. Moreover, I am a +reformer, having helped to organize the Civic Federation and having +served for somewhat more than a year as chairman of the Special +Committee on Ash Barrels and Garbage Boxes in the third precinct of the +Twenty-fifth Ward. I made several addresses during the last campaign +in advocacy of civil-service reform and all those other reforms which +are invariably advocated and promised by the party which is not in +power but wants to be. In the thirty years that I have been a +Republican I have never asked a favor of my party, and it does seem +just a bit ungrateful that the Republican reform municipal +administration which I helped to elect should seize with apparent +avidity upon its first opportunity to snub me by refusing to tap the +public water main in front of my property." + +"You should see Mayor Speedy about it," suggested Mr. Leet. + +"I thought of doing so," said I, "but as I had already determined to +approach him with reference to changing the name of Mush Street to +Clarendon Avenue, I concluded that I ought not to call upon him with +this complaint about the water. I particularly wish to avoid all +appearance of hampering the administration with importunities and +complaints of a personal nature." + +"A man of your reputation," said Mr. Leet, "should certainly have the +strongest kind of a pull at the City Hall." + +"You may not believe it," said I, "but I do not know a man in the City +Hall. I visit the place but twice a year, and my dealings on those +occasions are restricted to a haughty young foreigner, who graciously +permits me to pay him the amount of my water tax and then waves me to +another foreigner who in turn waves me to the door. No, I have no +influence at the City Hall, and as I was telling Editor Woodsit last +week--" + +"Do you know Editor Woodsit?" asked Mr. Leet, interrupting me. + +"Indeed I do," said I; "he has promised to print my essay on the +nebular hypothesis of Professor Lecouvrier as soon as his contract with +the monometallist college professors expires. He is one of the most +intimate friends I have." + +"Then he is just the one to fix that City Hall matter for you," said +Mr. Leet. "Woodsit is the most potent political influence in the midst +of us." + +It was hard to understand why a potent political influence should be +invoked in order to secure the tapping of a water main. However, I +determined to enlist the cooeperation of my journalistic friend. Twenty +or thirty people were waiting outside Editor Woodsit's door. This +number included noted clergymen, poets, authors, politicians, jurists, +merchants, etc., etc. By some means or another, Editor Woodsit learned +I was among the waiting throng, and he sent for me to come in. His +private office is spacious and elegantly furnished. The walls are hung +with splendid tapestries and costly oil paintings. Over Editor +Woodsit's desk appears the legend, "The Pen Is Mightier Than the +Sword." Near the desk are rows of nickel-plated tubes, about six feet +in height and two feet in diameter; the lids or covers to these tubes +are opened by means of a keyboard in front of the editor. The tubes +themselves contain the heads of the departments of the State and +municipal governments. + +"What you tell me pains me deeply," said Mr. Woodsit, after he heard my +story. "But there is no need of going to the City Hall about it; the +matter can be attended to here. I never trifle with underlings when +the responsible heads are at hand." + +Editor Woodsit reached over and touched a button on the keyboard; it +was button No. 9. Immediately the lid or top of tube No. 9 flew open +and the head and face of a man appeared; it was the head and face of +Commissioner Dent. + +"This friend of mine," said Editor Woodsit, sternly, "complains that he +can't get your department to connect the pipe with the water main in +front of his property. My friend is a Republican, Dent, and he is a +reformer. What excuse have you to offer for neglecting him?" + +Commissioner Dent turned very pale and he vainly tried to stammer an +apology. + +"This is a pretty kind of reform!" cried Editor Woodsit, savagely. "If +a similar complaint occurs again I shall have your case investigated by +my legal and spiritual counsellor, Joshua Selah, and may be have you +impeached. Now see that Mr. Baker's reasonable demands are complied +with at once." + +With these words Editor Woodsit touched another button, and the head +and face of Commissioner Dent disappeared and the top closed down over +the box. It was all the work of two or three minutes, and it was +certainly the most marvellous experience I had ever met with. My +wonderment increased when I learned an hour later, upon my arrival +home, that less than fifteen minutes (as I figure it) after I left +Editor Woodsit's office an employe of Commissioner Dent's department +came galloping up to my place on a foam-flecked steed, and, vaulting +from his saddle, unswung his melting-furnace, soldering-irons, and +other tools, and, quicker than you could say a pater noster, tapped the +water main and made the desired connection with the pipe that fed my +premises. + +"I guess you must have a pull at the City Hall," said Uncle Si; and +then he went on to tell me how people who have no pull have to wait +weeks, sometimes, before their just requirements are answered by the +municipal authorities. If what Uncle Si tells me is true I cannot be +too glad that I have what is even more efficacious than a pull at the +City Hall--a friend in Editor Woodsit. + + + + +XIV + +THE VICTIM OF AN ORDINANCE. + +And now that a plentiful supply of water was provided, it seemed proper +to celebrate by giving the lawn (poor abused thing!) a deluge of the +refreshing element. The exceeding ardor of the sun and the absence of +rain had wrought havoc with the grass and shrubbery. The drought +seemed determined to finish the work of destruction which the workmen, +with their picks and spades, had begun. With a joyous heart, +therefore, I applied myself to the task of rescuing the fainting +vegetation. I borrowed Mr. Tiltman's hose because it was the best and +longest in the neighborhood and was provided with a patent nozzle which +was so versatile that there was actually no detail in its business +which it did not perform in a most masterly way. I shall never forget +the feeling of exultation with which I stood on that expansive lawn and +sprayed the parched grass and drooping shrubbery. I fancied I could +see the thirsty blades and leaves reach up to drink in the restoring +element. My thoughts while I was thus engaged were similar, I suppose, +to those of benevolent men who hasten to the succor of their suffering +fellow-beings. I can imagine that it was with some such inspiring +feelings that relief was borne to Livingstone in Africa and to Greely +in the Arctic Circle. To the good man it is always a pleasure to do an +act of magnanimity, and the fact that my considerate regard for our +lawn involved no danger or privation did not serve in the least to +abate my satisfaction in the performance of my task. + +While I was thus engaged I observed a stranger coming up the lawn +toward me. I bade him a very good morning, but he seemed disinclined +to exchange civilities with me. He was a low-browed, roughish-looking +fellow, and I conceived an immediate dislike for him. + +"You 'll have to give me your name," said he, very gruffly. + +"For what purpose?" I asked, for his tone and manner nettled me. + +"I 'm a detective," said he, exhibiting a silver star on his vest +front, "and I 'm on the trail of you ducks that sprinkle your lawns +after legal hours. Oh, I 'm onto your racket." + +"Sir," said I, indignantly, "I have made no racket. I am a quiet, +law-abiding citizen, and this is my own lawn to do with as I please." + +"Come, now," said he, insolently, "don't give me any funny business. +You 're sprinklin' after hours and I 'm going to report you to police +headquarters. There 's no use of kickin', so you 'd better give me +your name an' save trouble." + +"Sir," I cried, "Reuben Baker is not a name to be ashamed of, and if +you think that by any of your underhand hocus pocus you can trespass on +my premises and prevent my caring for my own property you are grandly +mistaken." + +"You 'll sing a different song to-morrer," said the fellow, and I am +sure I heard him chuckling to himself as he walked away. + +Later in the day I learned from neighbor Baylor that I had indeed +transgressed the law by operating the lawn hose at ten o'clock in the +morning. It seems that there is an ordinance imposing a fine upon all +who sprinkle their lawns between eight o'clock in the morning and five +o'clock in the afternoon. + +I declared in very vigorous English that I would never submit to any +such outrage, and my indignation touched the boiling point when, still +later in the day, a policeman came to my house and handed me a document +apprising me that I must give a good and sufficient bond for my +appearance the next morning before his honor, Justice Fatty, to answer +to the charge of having maliciously, etc., defied, disobeyed and broken +the ordinance, etc. I went at once to seek the counsel of Lawyer +Miles, for whose legal acumen and forensic eloquence I had harbored the +profoundest veneration ever since I had heard his prosecution of a man +named Tackleton for causing the death of neighbor Baylor's pet dog. I +recall that on that occasion there was not a dry eye in the court and +that even the defendant himself wept copiously; whereupon the presiding +justice, fearing that he might be unduly influenced by the emotion of +the auditors, ordered the constable to clear the room of everybody not +a party to the cause. At this supreme moment Lawyer Miles, with +streaming eyes and amid choking sobs, cried out: "Mercy, your honor; in +the name of the tenderest and holiest of human considerations I appeal +for mercy! Turn out the men-folks if you will, but spare, oh, spare +the women and children." + +Ever since this memorable occasion I have regarded Lawyer Miles as the +foremost of living jurists, and it was the most natural thing in the +world that I should determine to confide to him any legal business of +mine that might arise--in which determination I was confirmed by a +suspicion that Lawyer Miles never charged his neighbors any fee for his +professional services. + +I was not a little surprised when, having heard my story, Lawyer Miles +counselled me to plead guilty to the charge and to pay the regulation +fine, which together with the costs (so called), amounted to seven +dollars and fifty cents. It was in vain that I represented to Lawyer +Miles the outrage of punishing a man for seeking to beautify his +premises, and thereby to contribute to the comfort and delectation of +the public generally. Lawyer Miles took the narrow view that the +ordinance had been violated, and that, therefore, the fine should be +paid. "The ordinance may be an unwise one," said he. "In that event +we should elect a city council that will repeal it. But so long as the +law exists it should be enforced." + +The advice of Lawyer Miles, coupled with the tears of Alice, finally +prevailed. Alice fancied that I was in danger of being committed to +prison, and she hysterically represented to me the horror of the +ignominy which would ever thereafter attach to our family name. In one +breath she proposed to send post haste for our pastor, the Rev. Dr. +Sungaulus, in the hope that by means of his spiritual ministrations I +might be dissuaded from further defiance of the law; in the next breath +she conjured me by every regard I had for the future of our +children--Galileo, Herschel, Fanny, Erasmus, and Josephine--to listen +to the Voice of Reason. At the mention of Josephine's name I weakened, +for, as I have already intimated to you, the innocent babe has acquired +a powerful hold upon the tendrils of my heart. In an instant my anger +departed. + +"It shall be as you say, Alice: I will pay the fine and costs. But +from this moment I consecrate my life to the election of councilmen +from the Twenty-fifth Ward who will repeal that odious ordinance and +make it legal for property-owners to sprinkle their lawns when and how +they please." + +In looking back over the short period of the history of "our house" I +find no other incident so disagreeable as this one which I have just +narrated. Even at this remote date I cannot refer to it without +feeling my gorge rise. By nature I am peaceful, and I am exceeding +slow to wrath. But anything that savors of injustice exasperates me to +the degree of frenzy. I am still fixed in my determination to secure +the repeal of the ordinance which robbed me of seven dollars and fifty +cents and is jeoparding the lives of my lilac bushes, my peonies, my +twin cherry-trees (George and Martha), and my grass. I intend to see +that the matter is brought up at the next quarterly meeting of the +Buena Park Benevolent and Protective Citizens' Association, and you can +depend upon it that when that association speaks its tones are heard +around the world and go thundering down the ages. + +This affair of mine with the odious ordinance was duly reported in the +daily newspapers through the delectable medium of the column headed +"Minor Criminal Items." It did not conduce to my equanimity to see my +name catalogued with persons arrested for sneak thievery, +pocket-picking, drunkenness, brawling, and mayhem. I never before +suspected that my friends made a practice of perusing the criminal +calendar, but after the appearance of that disagreeable item in print I +began to get letters from old acquaintances condoling with me and +asking whether they could be of any service to me in my trouble. Some +of these letters must have been dispatched in a spirit of humor, but I +see nothing mirthfull in the association of an honest man's name with +crime, and the people who have sought to poke fun at me in this +unpleasant affair need not be at all surprised if I do not bow to them +the next time we meet. + +Another class of people I have no sympathy with are those who do not +recognize in our purchase of a home a cause for general joy and +congratulation. You may not believe it, but it is nevertheless a fact +that within the last two months I have met people and apprised them of +our purchase and they have never so much as expressed even the least +bit of delight. My old friend Slashon Tomsing, who makes considerable +pretense to being interested in the public welfare--why, when I met him +at the Civic Federation rooms not long ago and began to tell him of our +new home, instead of being swept away (as it were) upon a tidal wave of +rapture, he immediately changed the theme of conversation and asked my +opinion of bimetallism. I gave him to understand very distinctly that +the public was in very poor business if it suffered itself to become +interested in bimetallism or in any other ism so long as it had an +opportunity to discuss "our new house" as a living, absorbing, and +burning theme. + +Another friend, my old and particularly valued friend, Professor Sniff, +curator of Mahon's Museum of Marvels--but I'll let that affair pass; +for Professor Sniff certainly did not intend to wound my feelings by +his apparent indifference; moreover, he has promised to send me for my +private collection all the duplicates that occur in section E of his +museum, which section is devoted exclusively to dried centipedes, +tarantulas, and beetles and to Mexican lizards in bottles of alcohol. + +All who have ever engaged in the enterprise of a new house will agree +with me when I say that nothing else wounds one more deeply than the +indifference of the rest of humanity to what is nearest and dearest to +his heart. When I walk the street nowadays I actually pity the crowds +of people I see, because, forsooth, they know nothing of the great joy +I have acquired in that blessed house. Alice made me take her to hear +a Mme. Melba in Italian opera last month at the Auditorium. As we came +away Alice asked: "Was n't it grand?" + +"Yes," I answered, "and yet amid it all I was oppressed by a feeling of +sadness. For, of all the six thousand souls in that splendid building, +only you and I, dear Alice, were aware that the old Schmittheimer place +had passed into the possession of the two happiest people on earth." + + + + +XV + +THE QUESTION OF INSURANCE + +My neighbor, Mr. Teddy, called on me one morning as I sat under a +willow tree watching the tinner at work on the roof and wondering +whether it was really as nice and warm on a tin roof under an +unobscured sun as it seemed to be. + +"Do you know," said Mr. Teddy, cordially, "this is the first time I +have ever visited this place. Frequently in my walks of an evening I +have passed here, and, in common with others, I have admired the +graceful slope of the lawn, the stately dignity of the trees, and the +bright colors of the flowers that here and there dot the verdant +expanse. Surely in the possession of this charming estate you are, my +dear friend, one of the most fortunate of mortals. Your life amid +these picturesque environments, in this sequestered spot, far from the +din and turmoil of the urban throng, will be in every respect ideal--a +dream, sir, a poetic dream." + +You will perhaps understand by this time that I regard Mr. Teddy as an +exceptionally worthy and pleasant gentleman. + +"And," continued Mr. Teddy, "it would be cruel if your studious +researches in this academic grove were by any chance to be interrupted +by any harassing business care. The serpent of worldly solicitude, +sir, should never be suffered to enter this veritable Eden." + +"You are right, my good friend and neighbor," said I, "but how can I +prevent the intrusion of care, since, alas! I am merely human?" + +"It behooves you to make provision against every contingency," answered +Mr. Teddy. "Do I understand that you carry insurance upon this +residence?" + +"Insurance? Why, no, I think not," said I. "Insurance is a matter I +never thought of." + +"Is it possible," cried Mr. Teddy, "that you have neglected to provide +against that serious loss which would accrue if a careless workman were +to drop a lighted match in yonder pile of shavings? Think for one +moment, sir, of the ruin that would confront you if this magnificent +but uninsured architectural pile were to be swept away by the pale hand +of the remorseless fire fiend! I beg of you to provide yourself with +the means of redress ere you are overtaken by the bitter pill of +adversity. Mr. Baker, your beautiful home should be insured at once!" + +It then occurred to me for the first time that neighbor Teddy was the +general western agent of the Royal Liliuokalani Fire, Marine and +Accident Insurance Company of Hawaii. I have often wondered why a man +when he embarks in the insurance business invariably attaches himself +to a concern located in some far distant clime, and now that I am +thinking of it, I will add that I have often wondered why the efficacy +of patent medicines is so often testified to by the affidavits of +people with strange names who reside in queer streets in obscure +hamlets hundreds of miles distant from the place of publication. + +"It would be wise of you," said Mr. Teddy, "to let me write you out a +policy immediately. It is always prudent to take time by the forelock. +Our rates are low, and, as you doubtless are aware, our company is the +most prosperous in the world. We were awarded a medal at the World's +Fair. + +"I know absolutely nothing about these things," said I, candidly, "but +I suppose we ought to have the place insured. I should be glad to have +you drop around some evening and talk the matter over with Alice and +me." + +To this suggestion Mr. Teddy took very kindly and he promised to call +very soon. As he retired down the gravel walk Colonel Bobbett Doller +came up the same. The two gentlemen saluted each other very coldly. + +"Colonel Doller is coming to talk to me about that twenty-five foot +strip of land," says I to myself; but I was in error. + +"Ah, good morning, neighbor Baker, good morning!" cried Colonel Doller, +cheerily. "Beautiful weather we 're having--too dry, though, much too +dry! All nature is parched. We need rain badly; otherwise the most +lamentable consequences will follow. I dare say you have noticed by +the paper how alarmingly prevalent conflagrations have become?" + +"Have they?" I asked, in genuine surprise. + +"Shockingly so," answered Colonel Doller. "The record is simply +appalling. If this thing continues a lot of the little mushroom +insurance companies will fail; it 's an ill wind that blows nobody +good. The public will presently awaken to a realization of the danger +of patronizing the irresponsible concerns which are trying to do +business under the shadow of the old and reliable companies." + +"Do you really think there will be a panic?" I asked. + +"Among the small fry, yes," answered Colonel Doller; "but nothing short +of a universal cataclysm will feaze to the slightest degree the +Vesuvius Assurance Company (limited) of Piddleton, England, the oldest +and staunchest insurance company in the world, of which I am, as +perhaps you know, the general manager for the western hemisphere." + +"We--and when I say we," continued Colonel Doller, "I mean the +Vesuvius--we have a cash capital of eighteen million pounds, and a +reserve fund of twelve million five hundred and sixty-eight thousand +two hundred pounds, three shillings, and six pence. Our losses last +year were six million three hundred thousand pounds in round numbers, +and our premiums were eight million five hundred and sixty-three +thousand two hundred and sixty-five pounds and eighteen pence. So you +can see for yourself (for figures do not lie) that the Vesuvius is as +solid as the everlasting hills." + +"The Royal Liliuokalani is a pretty good company, is n't it?" says I. + +"The Royal Liliuokalani?" repeated Colonel Doller. "The Royal +Liliuokalani? Let me see--I don't know that I ever heard of it. It's +a Milwaukee concern, is n't it?" + +"No," said I, "my understanding is that it is a Hawaiian enterprise." + +"Possibly so--very likely it is," said Colonel Doller, indifferently. +"There are so many of these little schemes springing up nowadays that I +do not pretend to keep track of them. If, however, you should at any +time contemplate insuring you will, of course, come to the Vesuvius." + +I repeated to Colonel Doller what I had told Mr. Teddy about the +feasibility of consulting Alice. Colonel Doller replied that while the +Vesuvius was entirely too big and too conservative a company ever to +skirmish for business, he would, purely out of regard for his long +friendship for me, call that evening to have a business talk with Alice +and me. + +Later in the day I had a visit from Frederick Jeems, another neighbor +engaged in the profession of fire insurance. He began his attack +adroitly by complimenting my new house and by regretting that I was +shingling the roof. + +"But so long as you 're insured," said he, carelessly, "I don't know +that it makes any difference whether you use shingles or slate." + +I confessed that I had not taken out any insurance, and this gave him +the desired opportunity to bring up his batteries of eloquence, of +argument, of statistics, and of figures. Before he was done he had +overwhelmed the Royal Liliuokalani of Hawaii and the Vesuvius of +Piddleton with a genuine avalanche of scorn and derision, and had quite +convinced me that the only solvent and secure insurance concern in the +world was the Deutsche Kaiser of Bomberg-am-Rhine. In an inspired +moment I bade Mr. Jeems come round that very evening to present his +facts and figures to Alice, and I laughed slyly to myself as I pictured +the meeting between himself, Mr. Teddy, and Colonel Doller. This may +strike you as having been malicious, but I claim that under the +circumstances I was warranted in planning this practical joke. + +Having disposed of these three gentlemen, I flattered myself that I was +temporarily done with the vexatious details of insurance, and I was +getting ready to bank up one of the flowerbeds with black dirt when who +should come along but another neighbor, and a very charming one, +too--Angus Cameron Macleod? For two years we have been more or less +intimate. Macleod combines many strangely diverse accomplishments. He +executes the sword dance with singular grace, and he recites Robert +Burns' poems and passages from "Marmion" by the yard, and with +inspiring animation. Although I am in no sense a music critic, nor +even a connoisseur, I will confess that I have often been actually +transported with delight by neighbor Macleod's rendition of "The +Campbells Are Coming" on the bagpipes. At the same time he is a +skilful rhetorician and severe logician, as all who have heard his +defence of Presbyterianism will testify, and I will concede that I +never heard anything more absorbingly fascinating than his exposition +of the honest and ennobling old doctrine of infant damnation. If you +knew Macleod you 'd agree with me that he is a man of parts. + +"Now that your house is pretty nearly done," said Macleod, "you ought +to take out some insurance in our company, the Bonny Thistle Marine of +Inverness." + +"But gracious me!" I cried in astonishment. "Why should I take out any +marine insurance on a _house_?" + +"For the very best reason in the world," answered Mr. Macleod. "Your +house stands within two hundred yards of one of the fiercest inland +seas of the world. Even now you can hear the tempestuous billows +dashing wildly upon yonder treacherous sands, and you can see the surf +madly reaching out as if to overwhelm this fair spot with its fatal +fury. At any time a tidal wave is likely to sweep in from the frowning +shores of Michigan. Fancy for one moment what would become of this +beautiful but delicate fabric if that mighty lake were to burst its +confines and surge in one vast wall in this direction! Has not the +immortal Scott truly said: + + "Against the wrath of nature how vain + the works of man? + + +"My dear Baker, you certainly are too sensible a man to be blind to the +security which is held out to you in this supreme moment of peril by +the Bonny Thistle Marine of Inverness." + +I admit that I knew not what to say. I had never before suspected any +of these dangers which, according to my friends, now seemed imminent. +On the one hand our cherished new house was threatened by fire; on the +other hand that same dear edifice seemed to be doomed to a watery +grave. Under these conflicting threatenings what was an inexperienced +man to do? Heaven be praised, my presence of mind did not desert me. +I referred Mr. Macleod to Alice, as I had referred the others. It was +her house, and she would have to be responsible for it against the +devouring elements. + +That night I dreamed that the awful suggestions of Messrs. Teddy, +Jeems, Doller, and Macleod had been realized. I dreamed that the new +house was confronted upon one side by a wall of flame, and upon the +other by a wall of water. Destruction and death seemed imminent. I +dreamed that, trusting rather the mercy of the waves than the ferocity +of the flames, I leaped into the billows and struggled like a Titan +with them. I awoke, screaming with affright. + + + + +XVI + +NEIGHBOR ROBBINS' PLATYPUS + +I wish you knew Burr Robbins. It is quite likely, however, that you +_do_ know him, for he has been conspicuously before the public for a +number of years. Mr. Robbins lives just across the way from the old +Schmittheimer place, and he has surrounded himself with comforts and +luxuries of a most extraordinary character. He is a retired circus +proprietor, and he has taken with him into retirement many of the most +startling features of the menagerie which used to figure as one of the +most delectable component parts of the "absolutely greatest +agglomeration of marvels exhibiting under one canvas." + +In his front yard Mr. Robbins pastures two trained buffalo, a sacred +cow, a gnu (or horned horse), two musk deer, a giraffe, a woolly horse, +a five-legged calf and a moose. In the back yard there are two white +bear cubs, a baby elephant, a nest of pythons, half a dozen ostriches, +a learned pig, several alligators and crocodiles, and a giant sloth +from South America. The stable is well stocked with monkeys, parrots, +eagles, lizards, tortoises and other curiosities, and in the watering +trough are a sea serpent and a mermaid (said to be the only specimens +of these marvels in a domesticated state). + +Alice expressed some anxiety at first that the proximity of the strange +creatures might prove unpleasant to us, and she strictly forbade little +Erasmus associating with the pythons or pulling the crocodiles' tails. +Mr. Robbins has assured us, however, that his pets are docile and +trustworthy, and it is his custom to invite the little children of the +neighborhood to visit and play with the most tractable of them. + +I got acquainted with neighbor Robbins in a rather curious manner. His +platypus escaped from its cage in the stable and sought refuge in our +front yard. I discovered that it had made a nest in one of our lilac +bushes and had laid an egg in it. With eggs at twenty cents a dozen +and our family fond of custard, an industrious platypus is by no means +an unwelcome visitor. When Mr. Robbins came looking for his vagrant +pet I suggested that a flock of platypuses would be a decided +improvement upon the poultry with which the average farmer stocks his +farm. I was considerably surprised to learn from Mr. Robbins that the +market price of platypuses is eight hundred dollars apiece, and I at +once foresaw that this strange creature was not likely to become the +dreaded competitor of the hen in the midst of us. + +Erasmus and little Josephine became deeply interested in Mr. Robbins, +and they are now spending a large share of their time in the society +either of that fascinating gentleman or of his equally fascinating wild +beasts. Erasmus has learned to throw a back-somersault with surprising +ease and grace and to sing a comic song with electrical effect. These +accomplishments he has acquired under the careful tutelage of Rufe +Botts, formerly known to fame as Professor Botts, manager of the +Nonpareil Congress of Trained Dogs and Trick Ponies. I understand that +he also served Mr. Robbins in "the palmy days" as a clown in the ring +during the regular performance and as a serio-comic vocalist at the +concert immediately after the show under the great canvas. Relentless +time, however, rings in wondrous changes, and the whilom Professor +Rufus Botts, pride alike of the amphitheatre and of the concert stage, +is now plain Rufe Botts on a salary of four dollars a week (and found) +as Mr. Robbins' man of all work. + +Alice and I have feared that Rufe's influence might not be beneficial +to the children. It pains us to observe that Josephine has learned to +ride a padded horse and to leap with surprising certainty through a +hoop and over a banner. Erasmus does not disguise his intention of +joining a circus when he reaches the age of maturity, and I happened to +overhear Rufe remark the other day that our daughter Fanny, with just a +leetle more practice, would make a ne plus ultra snake-charmer and +knife-thrower. Mr. Robbins has laughed at our solicitude; he tells us +that these are the vagarious fancies and exuberant whims of youth and +that they will duly die out. This is really very consoling to me, for +I can conceive of nothing else more humiliating than the spectacle of +our beloved Josephine flaunting around a circus ring upon the back of a +fat horse and attired in shockingly scanty raiment. It would break his +mother's heart if Erasmus were to diverge from that course in theology +which she has mapped out and were to embark in the picturesque +profession of turning somersaults in public. Our family reputation +would surely be irreparably damaged if our Fanny were to be beguiled +into the fascinating but hazardous arts of a snake-charmer and a +knife-thrower! Heaven send that our fears be dissipated by future +events! + +And yet, full of temptations and of misery as I believe the career of a +circus performer to be, I am entertained and instructed by neighbor +Robbins' recital of his exploits and experiences, and I am deeply +stirred by his narrative of the adventures he had in the capture of +those same wild beasts which now embellish his expansive estate in +Clarendon Avenue. Indeed, a peculiar interest is now attached by me to +each particular beast, for I have heard Mr. Robbins tell how in their +native jungles or on their native pampas or in their native lagoons or +among their native rocky fastnesses he sought and found and +comprehended the lemurs, the bisons, the alligators, the rackaboars, +and the other marvels of zooelogy. + +It is very pleasant, I can assure you, to listen to tales of adventure +while one is engaged at the somewhat prosaic task of trimming a lilac +bush or of weeding the pansy bed. Whenever he discovers me at this +kind of toil neighbor Robbins comes over and leans up against a tree +and beguiles the tedium of labor with a bit of personal experience. I +can't begin to tell you how attached I have already become to Mr. +Robbins. I have already made up my mind that when his own front lawn +gets pretty well cleaned out I shall ask neighbor Robbins to pasture +his sacred cow, horned horse, and five-legged calf in our front yard +for a spell. + +I shall never forget the shock I had one afternoon while Mr. Robbins +and I were visiting on our front lawn. I had been pruning one of the +poplars and Mr. Robbins was telling me of the difficulty Professor +Rufus Botts and he had once had trying to teach the wild man of Borneo +to eat olives and anchovy paste. Suddenly I saw a strange object pass +up the street on a bicycle. I had never seen the like before. My +acquaintance with Burr Robbins' menagerie had made me familiar with +most of the curious forms of animal life, but never before had I seen +so remarkable an object as I beheld upon that bicycle. + +"Look there! Look quick!" said I to neighbor Robbins. "It is going up +the street and it has wheels under it!" + +"Where?" asked Mr. Robbins; "I don't see anything." + +"Yes, you do," said I; "I mean the queer thing on the bicycle--can it +be one of your trained animals that has got away?" + +"Bless your soul, man," answered Mr. Robbins, "that's not an animal! +That's a woman!" + +"Oh, no, it is n't," said I. "No woman ever dressed like that." + +"No woman ever dressed like that?" echoed Mr. Robbins, with a mocking +laugh; "why, neighbor Baker, where have you been hiding so long that +you 're so behind the times?" + +"I 've not been hiding at all," said I, indignantly. "I 've been +living in Evanston Avenue, and a very worthy locality it is, too!" + +"And do you mean to tell me," asked Mr. Robbins, "that women don't ride +the bicycle in Evanston Avenue?" + +"Of course they do," said I, "but they don't look like _that_! The +women that ride in Evanston Avenue wear dresses, the same as other +women wear. This strange object (which you declare is a woman) wears +pants!" + +"Those ain't pants," said Mr. Robbins; "those are bloomers." + +"I don't care what you call them," said I, "they 're pants just the +same, and, what is more, very ill-fitting pants at that!" + +"That," said Mr. Robbins, "is the new style of bicycle attire for the +feminine sex. Shocking as it may appear to you, it is much more ample +than the costume which I found to be popular among the female +bicyclists of France during my visit to that country last summer." + +"But you don't mean to tell me," said I, "that women make a practice of +riding up and down Clarendon Avenue in pants!" + +"Certainly, I do," said Mr. Robbins. "We do things in style over this +way. Evanston Avenue is a century behind the times. Oh, you 'll learn +a lot of things when you get moved over here into your new house." + +"But I 'll not stand it!" I cried. "I 'll inform the police and I 'll +have the law on these brazen creatures. What would Alice say! And +what would become of Fanny and of little Josephine if they were brought +up under the demoralizing influences of spectacles like that! Do you +suppose I 'm going to have Galileo and Herschel corrupted? And little +Erasmus--shall his pure, innocent mind be contaminated? Never, +neighbor Robbins, never!" + +But Mr. Robbins did not seem to view the matter at all as I did. It +was evident that his long connection with the circus had calloused the +sensibility of his perceptive faculties. He was inclined to jeer at +what he termed my prudishness. I was glad to be back in Evanston +Avenue once more, secure in an atmosphere of propriety. It was several +hours, however, before I could get my mind away from thoughts of that +woman in pants, so profoundly had her appearance in that strangely +abbreviated costume shocked me. + + + + +XVII + +OUR DEVICES FOR ECONOMIZING + +Unless you want to render yourself liable to an attack of nervous +prostration you should never watch a skilful workman nailing on lath. +It is the most bewildering spectacle you can conceive of. I watched it +for twenty minutes one day--it was when they were lathing the big front +room downstairs, the library, and my brain began to reel as if I were +intoxicated. I actually believe that if Uncle Si had not led me away +and set me down under one of the willow-trees in the front yard I +should have had a spell of sickness, and may be even now had been +confined in the incurable ward of a lunatic asylum. I can't understand +how they do it so accurately and so fast and with such apparent ease. +The whole proceeding is so fascinating that I really believe that, next +to proficiency in the science of astronomy, I should like to be an +expert at nailing lath. In every line of mechanics my education has +been grievously neglected. + +Alice says that I am not practical enough to make a successful +carpenter; she gets this unfair opinion of me from an incident in our +early wedded life which she delights in recalling in the presence of +people upon whom I am particularly desirous of making a favorable +impression. It seems that when Galileo and Herschel were little tots I +undertook to construct a playhouse for them in the back yard. This was +at a time when I was exceptionally busied with my professional studies; +Mars was rapidly approaching perihelion, and I had been commissioned by +the Blue Island Society of the Arts and Sciences to prepare a chart of +the bottle-neck seas. It would have been surprising indeed had I not +been preoccupied--too absorbed in intellectual pursuits to cope +successfully with any such worldly and prosaic thing as a playhouse in +the back yard. Yet Alice insists that it is most amusing that I should +have neglected to provide that structure with windows and a door, and +that, as a natural consequence, I should have nailed myself up securely +in that affair. + +On another occasion I painted myself gradually into a corner while +attempting to paint the floor of the spare chamber. Alice reproached +me bitterly for this; she said she supposed everybody knew that a floor +should always be painted toward, and not away from the door. Alice +seems never to consider that few other people are gifted with such +intuitions as she has, but are compelled to drag along through life +learning by experience. + +I do not wish to be understood as complaining or railing against fate +because I am not skilled in mechanics; I recognize as a distinct boon +the fact that I am awkward in the use of tools, and the further fact +that I have no ambition in the direction of mechanical endeavor has +doubtless saved me many a bruised thumb and a vast amount of hard +labor. When I see my neighbors tinkering away at their storm windows +and garbage boxes and grape vine trellises and dog kennels and window +screens and front gates, I do not neglect to thank heaven that Alice +has the best of reasons for not asking me to engage in similar odd jobs +about our house. + +Still, I am sure that, if I ever do engage in any avocation, it will be +that of nailing lath, an employment requiring an exercise of patience, +of intelligence, and of skill to the highest degree. + +Until we bought the new place I had no idea that the expense of +conducting an establishment of one's own was so large. It seems, +however, that when one has once become a property-owner there is no end +to the things one must have and cannot get along without. It is +impossible to say how or where the venders of patent arrangements find +out about you, but no sooner do you buy a place of your own than you +are run to death by people who actually prove to you that you _must_ +have what they have to sell. + +Alice and I are very happy in the confidence that we have secured a +simple device which is going to reduce our coal bill by at least fifty +per cent.; it is a fuel-saving machine which is to be attached to our +new steam-heating apparatus, and if it accomplishes anything like what +the agent said it would, why, it is worth five dollars ten times over! +And we are expecting wonders, too, of the gas-saving apparatus for +which we have paid three dollars and which is to be attached to the +meter with such pleasing results that we shall have five times more +light at a saving of at least sixty per cent in cost. + +I find upon consulting my expense account for May that during that +month alone Alice and I purchased no fewer than thirty devices of an +economical character. We have three different kinds of +smoke-consumers, an automatic carpet-sweeper, a bottle of lightning +polish for plate-glass, a dish-washing machine, a knife-scourer, a +potato-parer, two automatic lawn-hose reels, a sewer-gas consumer, a +patent ashes-sifter, etc., etc. It has required a considerable outlay +of money to get stocked up with these things, but we regard them as a +very wise investment. It is wholly consistent with our policy of +economy to provide ourselves with the means of making a marked +reduction in our expenses. We flatter ourselves that before we have +been in our house six months we shall have demonstrated that we are not +upon earth for the purpose of enriching gas companies and other +soulless corporations. + +But I think the wisest investment we have made is the insurance policy +which we have taken out on Alice's life. The incident came about so +curiously that I feel inclined to tell it in detail. I was one evening +sitting out in front of our house--the rented one, I mean--watching the +stars gradually making their appearance in the cerulean vault, and I +was marvelling at the endless wonders of the heavenly expanse, when I +became aware that somebody was approaching. I saw that this somebody +was my Sheridan Road friend and neighbor, Treese Smith. He was +whistling softly to himself an air which I did not recognize, but which +my daughter Fanny (who is a music connoisseur) identified as "My Pearl +Is a Bowery Girl." Presuming that he was coming to pay me a neighborly +call, I arose to meet him. Fancy my amazement when upon beholding me +Mr. Smith burst into tears. I do not remember ever to have been more +astounded than by this sudden transition from gayety to grief. I could +hardly find words to ask my friend what trouble had befallen him. + +"I was hoping to meet no one," he sobbed, "for I am in no condition of +mind to associate with my fellow-beings." + +"It is evident," I interposed, "that some great sorrow has come upon +you; surely you would not hesitate to come to me for sympathy." + +"You are right," said Mr. Smith, making a heroic effort to gather +himself together. "It would be selfish of me not to give so dear a +neighbor as you a chance to share my misery. Read this." + +He handed me a bit of printed stuff which he had evidently cut from a +newspaper. I stood under the street lamp and read it in this wise: + + +KANSAS CITY, May 23.--During the thunder-storm to-day Mrs. Bolivar +Bowers, wife of the well-known scientist, was struck and destroyed by +lightning. Deceased leaves a husband and five children; no insurance. + + +"Ah, I see," said I in my gentlest tone; "she was a dear +friend--perhaps a relative of yours." + +"No, not that," said Mr. Smith, still sobbing; "you misinterpret my +grief. This party was in no way akin to me except under that common +descent from the old Adam which makes all humanity brothers and +sisters. I did not know deceased, nor did I ever see her." + +"Then why," I asked, in some astonishment, "why are you so moved by the +news of her death?" + +"To one of my nature," exclaimed Mr. Smith, "the circumstances detailed +in this item are most painful to contemplate. We find here recorded +the sudden demise of the sole support of a husband and five children--a +wife and mother snatched away by death, leaving a helpless family +without any visible means of support." + +"But why without any means of support?" I asked. + +"It says so," answered Mr. Smith. "The husband is a scientist and is +therefore by nature and by occupation disqualified for earning a +livelihood." + +"Surely enough," said I, "that is quite true." + +"Can you picture a more distressing scene," continued Mr. Smith, still +in tears, "than that of this helpless father and his five little ones +standing above that lifeless lady and wondering where their food and +raiment will come from now? It is sad, it is agonizing, it is awful! +And yet it all might have been averted--all this solicitude about the +future. Had Mrs. Bolivar Bowers taken out a policy in my company, the +International Mutual Tontine Life Insurance Company of Paw Paw, +Indiana, the aspect to-day would have been different, and Bolivar +Bowers and his callow brood of little Bowerses would have reason to +bless the rod that smote them. Ah, friend Baker, the International +Mutual Tontine has done a glorious work toward mitigating the wrath of +the grim destroyer; under the grace of its soothing balm bereavement +becomes an actual pleasure, death loses its sting, and the grave its +victory." + +From this small, casual beginning followed that train of explanation +and argument upon Mr. Smith's part which led to Alice's taking out a +life policy in the Indiana company. Mr. Smith is a man of broad and +deep human sympathies. Had he not happened upon that newspaper item, +had his heart not gone out in passionate sympathy toward the bereaved +Bolivar Bowers and his little ones, had he not wandered in an +irresponsible paroxysm of grief in the direction of my house that +evening, and had he not confided his sorrow to me--why, then we should +not have known of the greatest of human benefactors, and Alice would +not now be safe (so to speak) in the bosom of the International Mutual +Tontine Life Insurance Company of Paw Paw. + +I do not regard these things as accidental; they are special +providences. + + + + +XVIII + +I STATE MY VIEWS ON TAXATION + +Of the many friends who hastened to congratulate us when they heard +that we had acquired a home, none was more delighted than Gamlin +Harland. I take it for granted that you have read Mr. Harland's +numerous books, and that you know all about Mr. Harland himself. Not +to know of him is to argue one's self unknown. + +My first meeting with Mr. Harland was at a single-tax convention six +years ago; he was a delegate to that convention from Wisconsin, and I +was a delegate from Illinois. I was a delegate because the manager of +the party, who lives in New York, could n't find anybody else to serve +as the delegate from the congressional district in which I lived. I +thought that rather than have that district unrepresented I ought to +serve, and so I did. The acquaintance I then made with Gamlin Harland +soon ripened into friendship, and this intimacy has lasted ever since. +Mr. Harland insists that I am a single-tax man, and it may be that I am +in theory, although I certainly am not in practice; for I never have +paid any tax of any kind, be it single or double. + +As soon as he heard of our purchase Mr. Harland came out to inspect the +premises, and of course he was delighted. + +"This will make a new man of you," said he to me. "It will take your +mind off your impracticable star-gazing and moonshining, and divert +your attention into the channels of realism. These premises are so +spacious as to admit of your engaging to a considerable extent in +agriculture; you can now lay aside the telescope and the spectrum for +the spade and the hoe; the field of speculation can be abandoned for +this noble acre which I hope soon to see smiling into an abundant +harvest." + +"Yes," said I, "it is my purpose to engage largely in the cultivation +of flowers." + +"Pshaw!" cried Mr. Harland, "there you go again! Don't you know that +flowers are wholly worthless except in so far as they pander to the +gratification of a sensuous appetite? It would be a crime to surrender +these opportunities to ignoble uses. You must raise vegetables here, +or perhaps some of the small fruits would thrive better in this rich +sandy soil." + +Investigation satisfied Mr. Harland that blackberries were _the_ +particular kind of small fruit to which the soil seemed adapted. I was +not surprised at this, for I knew that the blackberry was a favorite +with Mr. Harland--in fact, Mr. Harland is the only author I know of who +has written a novel whose plot hinges (so to speak) upon a blackberry. +So passionately fond of this fruit is he that he devotes a part of the +year to cultivating blackberries on his Wisconsin farm. There are +invidious persons who intimate that his only reason for cultivating the +blackberry is to be found in the fact that nothing else will grow on +his farm, and presumably you have heard the epigram which the +romanticists have perpetrated at Mr. Harland's expense, and which +represents that ambitious and aggressive gentleman as raising +blackberries in summer and ---- in winter. + +After getting me thoroughly inoculated with the blackberry idea, and +having duly impressed me with his theory that true manhood consisted of +making one's self unspeakably miserable and sweaty with a shovel and a +hoe, Mr. Harland broached his favorite topic, and ventured the +assertion that now that I was the possessor of taxable property I would +become as rabid a single-tax advocate as Henry George himself. I +answered that I already advocated a single-tax system, for the reason +that if we could only once get a single-tax system in vogue we should +then be but one remove from no taxation at all, and would have less +difficulty in securing that desirable end ultimately. + +The truth of the matter is, I object to taxation only in so far as it +affects me. I have no objection to other folk being taxed, but I do +not fancy being taxed myself. I agree with Brother Harland that there +is palpable injustice in making an industrious and public-spirited man +pay for the so-called privilege of building himself a home; he pays the +carpenters and masons and painters for making that home, and he is then +expected to pay the city and the State for having invested his hard +earnings in a permanent enterprise which gives employment to the +laborer, which beautifies the neighborhood, and which enhances the +value of the adjacent property. The object of taxation (as Mr. Harland +asserts and as I believe) is to enrich the office-holding class, a +class of loose morality, utterly heartless and utterly conscienceless, +and I agree with Mr. Harland in the opinion that the time is not far +distant when the honest people of this country will arise as one man +and subvert the corrupt hand of politics which is now grinding us under +the iron heel of oppression. + +It is seldom that I give expression to my views upon this subject, for +the reason that I fear they may be misinterpreted. I have always had +an apprehension that I would be mistaken for an anarchist, which I am +not; I am an advocate of peace and of the laws; I do not believe in +violence of any kind. + +And now that I am speaking of violence, I am reminded of an incident +which illustrates the thoughtless cruelty of too many of our youth. It +was scarcely two weeks ago that I detected a boy (apparently about +twelve years of age) climbing one of the willow trees in our old +Schmittheimer place. I crept up on him unawares and speedily became +satisfied that he was after the eggs in a bird's nest that nestled +cozily in a crotch of the limbs. I shouted lustily at the young +scapegrace, and his confusion convinced me that my suspicions were +correct. I kept him in his uncomfortable position in the tree until I +had lectured him severely for the cruelty he contemplated and until I +had exacted from him a promise that he would forever thereafter abstain +from the practice of robbing birds' nests. The tears which trickled +down his face assured me no less than his solemn protests did that the +lad was indeed penitent, but the fellow had no sooner descended from +the tree and reached a point of safety the other side of the fence than +he gave utterance to sentiments which wholly disabused my mind of all +faith in his previous professions of reform. + +I have never been able to understand what pleasure can accrue from the +spoliation of the homes of birds, the beautiful musical creatures that +contribute so largely toward making the world cheerful. One of the +pleasantest recollections of my boyhood is that in all that active +period I never once killed or wounded a bird or robbed its nest. And I +think that the kindest act I ever did--at least the one which I recall +with the most satisfaction--was my release of a caged bird. A +careless, heedless neighbor had caught and caged a redbird, and the +mournful twittering of the poor creature as he fluttered incessantly +behind the bars of his prison pained and haunted me. The redbird can +never be reconciled to confinement; he is of the forest; the wildness +of his peculiar note indicates the restlessness of his nature. So for +nearly a year the melancholy twittering and the fluttering of that +caged bird haunted me. + +One morning--it was in the gracious May time--I awoke early. The sun +was just coming up and was kissing the tears from lovely Nature's face. +The air was full of coolness and of sweet smells. Then, hearing the +querulous note of the imprisoned bird upon the porch yonder, I +determined to set the poor thing free. So I dressed myself and stole +out into the graciousness of the early morning. To my last day I shall +not forget the delight, the rapture, with which that released bird +mounted from the doorway of his cage and sped away! + +One of the most treasured relics I have is a poem which my father wrote +when I was a little boy. My father was a native of Maine, but for all +that he was a man of sentiment and he had much literary taste, and +ability, too. The poem which he gave me, and which I have always +treasured, will (if I am not grievously in error) touch a responsive +chord in many a human heart, for all humanity looks back with +tenderness to the time of youth. + + + THE MORNING BIRD + + A bird sat in the maple tree + And this was the song he sang to me: + "O little boy, awake, arise! + The sun is high in the morning skies; + The brook's a-play in the pasture lot + And wondereth that the little boy + It loveth dearly cometh not + To share its turbulence and joy; + The grass hath kisses cool and sweet + For truant little brown bare feet-- + So come, O child, awake, arise! + The sun is high in the morning skies!" + + So from the yonder maple tree + The bird kept singing unto me; + But that was very long ago-- + I did not think--I did not know-- + Else would I not have longer slept + And dreamt the precious hours away; + Else would I from my bed have leapt + To greet another happy day-- + A day, untouched of care and ruth, + With sweet companionship of youth-- + The dear old friends which you and I + Knew in the happy years gone by! + + Still in the maple can be heard + The music of the morning bird, + And still the song is of the day + That runneth o'er with childish play; + Still of each pleasant old-time place + And of the old-time friends I knew-- + The pool where hid the furtive dace, + The lot the brook went scampering through; + The mill, the lane, the bellflower tree + That used to love to shelter me-- + And all those others I knew _then_, + But which I cannot know again! + + Alas! from yonder maple tree + The morning bird sings not to me; + Else would his ghostly voice prolong + An evening, not a morning, song + And he would tell of each dear spot + I knew so well and cherished then, + As all forgetting, not forgot + By him who would be young again! + O child, the voice from yonder tree + Calleth to _you_, and not to _me_; + So wake and know those friendships all + I would to God I could recall! + + + + +XIX + +OTHER PEOPLE'S DOGS + +When I discovered one morning that my young sunflowers and my tomato +vines had been cut down during the night by some lawless depredator I +was mightily incensed. I had not supposed that there was anybody so +mean as to commit such a wanton destruction. The value of the property +destroyed was not large; I had paid but five cents apiece for the +twenty tomato vines, and the young sunflowers were a present from Fadda +Pierce. The intrinsic value of these things was so small as to cut no +figure in my mind, but having watched the graceful creatures wax large +and comely from mere sprouts it was quite natural that I should have a +strong sentimental attachment for them. For the fruit of the tomato +vine I care nothing, but I had with much satisfaction pictured the +enjoyment which Alice and the children would derive from the luscious +tomatoes which I flattered myself were to ripen upon our own vines +under the genial August sun. + +Moreover, I had already made up a list of the names of city friends to +whom I intended to send handsome specimens of these first fruits of my +experiments in farming; the Reillys, the Lynches, the Chapins, the +Maxwells, the Scotts, the Fayes, the Deweys, the Morrises, the +Millards, the Larneds, the Fletchers, the Ways--these and other +fortunate cronies were to be made recipients of my bounty in case the +fruit held out. I will say nothing of the pleasing future I depicted +for the sunflowers; the sunflower is a particular favorite of mine, +presumably because it is one of the very few flowers I am capable of +identifying. + +My impulse, when beholding the tomato vines and sunflowers cut down in +the innocence of youth, was to determine not to pursue gardening +further. To this mood succeeded a fit of anger, and I was so outraged +by the destruction I beheld that I would cheerfully have given any sum +of money I could have borrowed of my neighbors for information leading +to the apprehension of the perpetrator of this brutal wrong. + +As it was, I wrote out an offer of five dollars reward upon a sheet of +letter paper and nailed it with four large wire nails to a maple tree +in front of the place, where all passers-by could see and read it. +Later in the day I went to tell Fadda Pierce of the trouble which had +befallen me, and he consoled me with the assurance that the work of +destruction had been wrought--not by a human being, as I had surmised, +but by cutworms, a kind of reptile that plies its nefarious trade +between two days for no other apparent purpose than that of making +gentlemen farmers like myself miserable. + +Fadda Pierce told me that Paris green was an effective antidote against +these destructive worms, and I have ordered a barrel of it from the +city. I intend to spread a layer of this Paris green over all our +flower and vegetable beds; the contrast thus presented to the dull, +sere brown of our lawn will be very pleasing to the eye. In fact, I am +not sure that it would not be cheaper to color our whole lawn with +Paris green than to attempt to revise it with water, which can be used +with legal liberality only between the first of November and the first +of May. + +By way of illustrating what a mockery our national Department of +Agriculture is, I will say that I wrote to Secretary Morton about the +cutworms and asked that he suggest an antidote against the same. +Although five weeks have elapsed since I dispatched that letter I have +had no word of any kind from the Department of Agriculture. I feel the +slight all the more keenly because I am a personal acquaintance of +Secretary Morton's, having been introduced to and shaken hands with him +at the quadrennial convention of the Western Academy of Science at +Omaha in 1884. Prompt attention to my letter was due on the score of +old friendship. The Secretary of Agriculture will recognize his error +in offending me if ever he becomes a candidate for the presidency. +Reuben Baker never forgets an affront. + +But, though my sunflowers and my tomato vines suffered as I have +narrated, my potatoes were doing finely. The potato patch is located +in the back yard, near the poplar trees; it is in the shape of the Big +Dipper, and I took the precaution to plant the potatoes in the new of +the moon. The first planting never amounted to anything, for the +reason that I peeled them and cut out the eyes before putting them in +their hills. I learned subsequently that this was as fatal a course as +it were possible to pursue. You must never peel potatoes or cut out +their eyes if you want them to grow. I do not know why this is so, but +it is. At any rate, the second crop I planted was a success. Every +day I dug down into the hills to see how the potatoes were progressing, +and I was thus enabled to keep track of the development of the tender +fruit. + +My young friend Budd Taylor provided me with a dozen ears of seed +popcorn which I planted in a warm, bright spot and which soon bristled +up in splendid style. I think it likely that, but for the birds, I +should have had a crop of popcorn sufficient to supply the Chicago +market, for I never before saw anything like that corn for luxuriance +and thrift. How the birds ever found out about it will doubtless +remain a mystery. + +The birds I refer to proved to be blackbirds, although for a time I +mistook them for young crows. One morning I detected about three dozen +of the poaching rogues stalking through the grass in the direction of +my corn-patch, and, almost before I knew it, the feathered rascals had +played havoc with my promising crop of popcorn. Then I remembered that +I had read and seen pictures in books of scarecrows; so I dressed up a +figure and set it up near the corn patch. It was really a very good +counterfeit of a man, as indeed it ought to have been, for the clothing +I used was far from ragged, and Alice had been intending to send it to +a poor relative of hers in Nebraska. + +The night after I had set up this lay figure in the yard a policeman +came along Clarendon Avenue for the first time in his professional +career. He espied the figure in the yard and at once mistook it for a +thief who had come to steal our lawn hose. With a gallantry and with a +devotion to duty which cannot be too highly commended, the intrepid +policeman opened fire with his revolver and put seven holes through the +scarecrow before he discovered his mistake. + +The cannonading awakened Major Ryson, one of the nearest neighbors, and +that discreet gentleman immediately set his bull terrier loose. This +sagacious but vindictive animal bore down upon the scene of action and +treed the policeman the first thing. Having expended all his +ammunition upon the lay figure, the policeman had no means of +interchanging compliments with his assailant, and was therefore +compelled to spend the night in a willow. Meanwhile the bull terrier +encountered the scarecrow, and, mistaking it for a human being, soon +tore that unfortunate object into ten thousand pieces. Next day our +lawn was literally strewn with straw and buttons and remnants of what +had once been a very decent suit of clothes. + +This reference to Major Ryson's bull terrier reminds me of the visit +which the Baylors' dog paid to our new premises. The Baylors' dog is a +St. Bernard about a year old and weighing one hundred and seventy-five +pounds. Most of the time this amiable leviathan is confined in the +Baylors' back yard, a spot hardly large enough to admit of the +leviathan's turning around in it. The evening to which I refer the +Baylors made a pilgrimage to our new house for the purpose of +ascertaining whether we had put in a copper kitchen sink or a +galvanized iron one. I can't imagine what possessed them to do it, but +they took the St. Bernard with them. The sense of freedom which this +playful beast felt upon being let loose in our extensive yard proved +wholly uncontrollable, and while the Baylors were investigating the +sink question the amiable leviathan gallivanted about the premises with +that elephantine exuberance which is to be expected of a St. Bernard +one year old and weighing one hundred and seventy-five pounds. Adah +(who has an eye to the beautiful) had planted a vast number of +nasturtiums and red geraniums, and under one of the oak trees had +trained numerous graceful, dainty vines, which, as I recall, are known +to horticultural amateurs as 'cobies. + +In the twinkling of an eye the Baylor leviathan swept these blossoming +innocents out of existence, and in other twinklings he wrought +desolation among the peonies, the pansies, and other floral objects +upon which the women folk had lavished a wealth of patient care. A +bull in a china-shop could hardly create the havoc which the Baylor +pup, with his one hundred and seventy-five pounds of animal spirits, +wrought in our lawn. Next morning the lawn looked as if it had been +honored with a nocturnal visitation from Burr Robbins' galaxy of +domesticated wild beasts. + +Curiously enough, the Baylors thought it was very funny. I don't know +why it is, but it can't be denied that it _is_ a fact that those acts +which in other people's pups strike us as strangely improper, become in +our own pups the most natural and most mirth-provoking performances in +the world. I recall the anger with which neighbor Baylor drove +neighbor Macleod's mastiff off his porch one evening because that +mastiff attempted to make his way through the screen door behind which +the family cat was visible. In this instance the Macleod mastiff was +simply following the predominating instinct of the canine kind, and +neighbor Baylor hated the unreasonable beast for it. Yet I 'll warrant +me that while his own lubberly pup was prancing around over our +flowerbeds neighbor Baylor regarded the performance as the most cunning +and most charming divertisement in the world. + +It is much the same way with children. If I were put upon oath, I +should have to admit that the very same antics which I regard as most +seemly (not to say fascinating) in my own pretty little darlings I do +not approve of at all when I see them attempted by the awkward, homely +children of my neighbors. + + + + +XX + +I ACQUIRE POISON AND EXPERIENCE + +There is no telling to what unparalleled extent I should have carried +my agricultural work but for a happening which interrupted my career in +that direction and temporarily invalidated me for the performance of +all manual labor. To make short of a long and painful story, I will +tell you at once that in the very midst of my agricultural triumphs I +was rudely awakened to a realization of the fact that I had been badly +poisoned by ivy. The luxuriant growth in one part of our lawn which in +my innocence I had mistaken for infant oak trees and had nurtured with +great assiduity proved to be the poison vine which is shunned alike of +knowing man and beast. + +The truth about this insiduous [Transcriber's note: insidious?] plant +was not revealed to me until after the harm was done. I awoke one +night to find my hands and wrists afflicted with so pestiferous an +itching that it verily seemed to me as if the points of ten thousand +thousand hot needles were being thrust into my cuticle. There are no +words capable of expressing how torturesome this affliction is; to my +physical suffering there was added a distinct mental disquietude +arising from a sense of injustice that nature, supposed to be so +benignant to her friends, should have punished me so grievously for +having sought to cultivate and foster her arts. + +I was shocked, too, to discover that my misfortune awakened no feeling +of sympathy in others; nay, my neighbors seemed to regard it rather as +a joke that I, a scientist of no mean ability (if I _do_ say it +myself), should have fallen victim to the commonest and most vicious of +all destroyers of human happiness. The amount of badinage, sarcasm, +and irony indulged in by these unfeeling folk at the expense of +"Farmer" Baker (as they now jocosely dubbed me) would fill a royal +octavo volume. I assure you that I regarded this species of humor as +impertinent to the degree of atrocity. + +My family physician, Dr. Hodges, prescribed several vials of pellets +which bore a striking resemblance to one another, but whose virtues I +was solemnly assured depended wholly upon my strict observance of the +_ordo_ of their administration internally, which _ordo_ may have been +simple and clear enough to Dr. Hodges, but was to me as intricate and +complicated as a Bradshaw railway guide. Furthermore, having +ascertained by artful inquiry what viands and beverages I particularly +liked, Dr. Hodges strictly forbade my indulgence in them, and such +articles of food and drink as I was particularly averse to be +recommended for my diet. Meanwhile I was meeting constantly with +people who had been afflicted with ivy poisoning, and these kind, +cheery souls encouraged me with recitals of their experiences. I was +told that it took seven years for ivy poison to get out of the system; +that every year during the ivy season (whatever that may mean) there +would be a recurrence of this pestiferous eruption, sometimes in one +part of the body, sometimes in another, and not unfrequently upon the +whole surface. There were, of course, numerous nostrums warranted to +allay the fiery tingling and maddening stinging of the malady, and, as +I cheerfully adopted every suggestion that came to my ears, I was +presently stocked up with enough salves and solutions to fill an +apothecary-shop, and my associates began to complain that I was as +redolent of odors as a chemical laboratory. Naturally enough, +therefore, I became morbid and despondent, and began to regard myself +as a mercilessly afflicted and shunned thing. + +But amid all this trouble there came to me one big, bright ray of +satisfaction. I remembered that, when Alice took out a life policy +with neighbor Treese Smith, I also took out an accident policy with the +same gentleman in the Wabash Mutual Internecine Association of Indiana. +There was, as you can well understand, a heap of consolation in the +thought that no matter how little or how much or how long I suffered, +the Wabash concern would have to pay for it. As I recollected, the +insurance was fifty dollars a week during incapacity for work. If, +therefore, the ivy poison remained in my system seven years, the amount +of insurance due me would be--let me see: + +Seven years--three hundred and sixty-four weeks. + +Three hundred and sixty-four weeks at fifty dollars per week--eighteen +thousand two hundred dollars. + +This was, indeed, a considerable sum of money! I began to understand +that, viewed from a purely business standpoint, my affliction might +become financially profitable. It even occurred to me that in case the +Wabash company paid promptly, and I got used to the tearing ebullitions +of the ivy poison, I might contrive to get a renewal of the malady at +the end of the first seven years. I wondered that, with this +opportunity of getting rich cum otio et cum dignitate, there were so +many poor people in the world; however, I mentally resolved not to +discover my shrewd plan to anybody else. + +When I called upon neighbor Treese Smith I was prudent enough to let +him know that I probably had the worst case of ivy poisoning ever heard +of, and with more than common pride I exhibited to him my hands and +wrists in confirmation of my claims. Mr. Smith (whom you already know +as a man of tender feelings and broad sympathies) expressed himself as +being very sorry for me, and he asked me if I had tried certain +remedies, which he named. + +As it was another kind of remedy I was after, I adroitly led the +conversation up to the proper point, and then I intimated that it would +not harrow up my feelings if I were tendered a payment on account of my +accident policy in the Wabash Mutual Internecine Association of +Indiana. I liked Smith, and I felt that I ought to be candid with him. +I told him that it was pretty generally agreed by the medical +profession that when a person once got a dose of poison ivy it remained +in his system for seven years, during which period it worked its +baleful offices off and on with varying malignance. I recognized the +fact that I had a valid claim on the Wabash company for fifty dollars a +week for seven years; that the total amount of money due or paid me by +said company at the end of the natural life of the ivy poison would be +a trifle over eighteen thousand dollars. I told Mr. Smith that I was +not disposed to take advantage of or to be too hard on the Wabash +company, and that, being naturally of a conservative disposition, I was +willing to compromise this matter for--say--well--ten thousand dollars, +and cancel the policy. + +Mr. Smith answered me in the tone and with the manner of one who is +seeking to break bad news gradually and gently to another. + +"It is painfully clear to me," said the kind, sympathetic man, "that +you have not read the conditions upon which your accident policy is +issued to you. I fear that when you come to examine it more carefully +you will learn that in this case you have no claims upon our +company--or, perhaps, I should say _the_ company, since I am merely its +agent and have nothing to do with the framing of its contracts." + +"I have the instrument with me," said I, producing the policy. "I have +read it carefully and understand it fully. It is a simple, short, +straightforward document, and the type is so big and clear that even a +child could read it." + +"Alas," said Mr. Smith, with a sigh, "I fear you have not read the +conditions; you will find them on the other side of the sheet, printed +in small type." + +I turned the page, and surely enough there were a number of paragraphs +under the title of "The Conditions"; they were printed in small type +and pale-blue ink. + +"But what have 'conditions' to do with this case?" I asked. "I got +insured in the Wabash Mutual Internecine company against accident, and +here I 've had an accident! Ivy poison is as severe an accident as can +happen to any animal, except, perhaps, an alligator or a rhinoceros, +and I think I 'm entitled to my money." + +"You are quite right from your standpoint," said Mr. Smith, "but it is +not the correct standpoint. You are insured (as you will see by +referring to your policy) as an A No. 1 risk. Turn to the conditions, +and you will observe that our A No. 1 risks are insured against +accident by lightning only. If, now, you had been struck by lightning +instead of by ivy, and if the subtle electric fluid had impaired your +physical economy, or imparted to your veins any noxious rheum or any +venom wherefrom either temporary or permanent harm or disquietude +accrued to you, then you would have a legal and just claim against +our--I mean _the_ company." + +"But I supposed I was insured against every kind of accident," said I. +"When it comes to getting pay for an accident, a dislocation of a toe +is quite as desirable, in my opinion, as a broken neck." + +"Ah, but insurance companies must differentiate," said Mr. Smith. +"There are so many kinds of accidents that it is absolutely necessary +to have grades and classes and differences and distinctions. You are +insured against lightning: you belong to A No. 1. If you were insured +against a broken leg you would be in X No. 2, or against a sprained +wrist in H No. 3. My recollection is that our policies of insurance +against poison ivy are written in Q No. 4, but I am not positive. If, +however, you care to profit by this annoying experience and desire to +insure against ivy poison, I will look the matter up the first thing +to-morrow and write you out a policy at once. In your case the policy +should be made out for a period of fourteen years, since your present +dose of poison will not lose its efficacy for seven years, and that +will render insurance taken _after the fact_ inoperative." + +There was a heavy thunder shower the next day, and I stood out in it +all the time in the hope of getting a chance to claim remuneration from +the Wabash Mutual Internecine Association. But the lightning dodged me +as if I had been a sacred and charmed object. I made up my mind that +it was folly to try to get even with the insurance concern, and since a +farming career was now closed against me, I determined to devote my +spare time to watching the progress of affairs inside our new house and +to cooeperate with Alice and Adah and our feminine neighbors in their +herculean task of "having things as they should be." + + + + +XXI + +WITH PLUMBERS AND PAINTERS + +It did not take me long to find out that, in the treatment of the +interior of the new house, Alice had fallen a victim to the influence +of the Denslow-Baylor-Maria schools. I was not much surprised by this +discovery, for I had known for some time that Alice regarded the +Denslows and the Baylors as people of rare taste, and it was quite +natural (as every unprejudiced person will allow) that, associating +with Adah continually and being bound to her by ties of consanguinity, +Alice should be susceptible to Adah's hortations, incitements, +impulsations, and instigations. + +At any rate, I found that our new house was to be a conspicuous +intermingling and interblending of the Denslow, Baylor, and Maria +styles of architecture. The big front room downstairs, the library, +was distinctly Denslowish, and so was the big front room up-stairs, as +well as the butler's pantry and the reception-room. The Baylor +influence manifested itself in the spare bedroom and the dining-room, +and the Maria influence (thanks to Adah) was clearly exhibited in the +front and side porches, in my bedroom, and in the several hallways. +Alice insisted that the house was to be strictly old colonial and also +requested me to speak of it as such in the presence of visitors, +particularly in the hearing of her relatives from the country when they +came into the city next September to do their winter buying. + +In my fancy I can already picture the dear girl putting on airs with +those guileless rural folk who know no more about the architectural and +the decorative arts than an unclouted Patagonian knows of the four +houses of the Jesuitical order. Nor do I know much about those things, +and I am glad that I do not, for if I had devoted my early years of +study to plinths, architraves, columns, dados, friezes, pediments, +sconces, wainscots, cornices, capitals, entablatures, and such like, +how could I have originated my theory of star-drift and how would +humanity have been enlightened upon the all-important subjects of the +asteroids, the satellites of the star Gamma in Scorpio, the atmosphere +on the other side of the moon, the depth of the Martian bottle-neck +seas, the probability of the existence of natural gas wells in Jupiter, +etc., etc.? If I had been a Linnaeus or a Buffon instead of Reuben +Baker, I should have never suffered myself to fall an innocent victim +to poison ivy--yes, that is true, but at the same time my now famous +theory of double stars and my equally famous theory as to the several +elements in comets' tails would have been denied to the world. No one +man can combine within himself all human genius; in all modesty I +declare myself satisfied with being simply Reuben Baker. + +While I devoted my attention to out-of-door affairs--by which I mean +care of the lawn, of the flower-beds, and of the vegetable patches--I +had a comparatively tranquil existence. Having transferred the base of +my operations (or perhaps I should say my observations) indoors, I +found numerous disagreements and misunderstandings to distract me. I +was not long in finding out that there were two factions (so to speak) +in charge of the department of the interior. Parties of the first part +were Alice and all our feminine neighbors; party of the second part was +Uncle Si. + +You see, there had never been anything more explicit than a verbal +understanding between Uncle Si and Alice; the two had talked the matter +all over at the start, and they agreed upon every theory so nicely that +I do not wonder they decided that a written contract was not necessary. +Uncle Si did some figuring which resulted in his saying that he would +reconstruct the old house and build an addition for the even sum of two +thousand dollars. Very few specifications were made, but there was a +pretty clear verbal understanding reached, and the consequence was as +distinct a misunderstanding as the work progressed. Most of the +trouble was over the detail of hardwood. Alice was sure that Uncle Si +had agreed to put in hardwood floors and trimmings throughout; Uncle Si +expostulated that he had never thought of so preposterous a project, +since it would have bankrupted him as sure as his name was Silas Plum. + +The result was that Alice never went near the new house that she did +not groan and moan and declare that Georgia pine was simply the +horridest wood in all the world, while, upon the other hand, Uncle Si +speedily came to regard Alice as an arch enemy who was seeking to trick +and impoverish him. The neighbors sided with Alice, of course. They +freely expressed the conviction that Uncle Si and all other contractors +would bear constant watching. It is perhaps needless for me to add +that Uncle Si regarded all neighbors as impertinent and mischievous +intermeddlers. + +I will confess that of all the workmen about the place the plumbers +interested me most. They came late and quit early, and much of the +intervening time was spent in asking one another questions and in +ordering one another about. No tool was at hand when it was required. +If the pliers were needed the whole gang of plumbers stopped work to +hunt for the missing instrument, which was sometimes found in one +remote spot and sometimes in another--never where it should have been. +I have a theory that for reasons best known to themselves plumbers make +a practice of mislaying and losing their tools. + +I supposed that having once begun their work these plumbers would push +it to completion. I never undertake anything that I do not keep at it +until it is done and finished, and I think that this rule obtains among +most of the professions and trades. Plumbers seem, however, to be a +privileged class. They come to your premises and spend an hour or two +examining what is to be done; then they go away. When they get ready +to come back they return--this time with a miniature furnace and +whatever tools they do not require. Then they go away to bring the +tools they need, leaving the tools they do not require for a pretext +for another trip. Then they take turns at suggesting how the proposed +work should be done, and one after another they get down upon their +knees and peer into closets and holes and under floors and into dark +places, after which some of them go back to the "shop," for more +things, while the others either sit around doing nothing or busy +themselves at losing and mislaying the tools they have already at hand. + +Uncle Si, who is an authority on the subject, says that there never was +a plumber who died of overwork or in the poorhouse. He tells me that +he once knew of a plumber named Bilkins who fell dead of heart disease +one day when he discovered that he had worked four minutes overtime. + +The boss painter was another individual who excited my astonishment. I +never knew another man so fertile in the art of prevarication. Mr. +Krome would rather lie than eat--at any rate, he would rather lie than +paint. He never neglected to come over twice a day and take a long and +careful survey of the house. + +"I reckon you 're about ready for us, eh?" he 'd ask. + +"We 're waiting on you," Uncle Si would say. + +"Then I 'll have to put my gang at work in the mornin'," he would +answer. This performance was repeated again and again, but the "gang" +we looked for did not come. I remonstrated against this seeming +neglect, but Mr. Krome blandly assured me that when his men did once +get to work they would push the job with incredible speed. I knew he +was a liar, yet I always believed the fellow. + +We gave him the glazing to do. We even accommodated him to the extent +of sending the window frames to his shop instead of making him haul +them himself. We did this out of no special regard for Mr. Krome, for, +aside from pure selfish considerations, Mr. Krome is no more to us than +we are to Hecuba; but we desired to facilitate him in the work he had +engaged to do for us. + +After the window frames had been at the fellow's shop a fortnight, I +began to suggest that their return would gratify me to the degree of +rapture. Mr. Krome put us off with one excuse and another (all equally +plausible) and presently a month had rolled by. Like the man in the +fable who tried brickbats when kind words were no longer of avail, I +threatened to turn the work of glazing over to another glazier who was +not so busy with his lying as to prevent him from attending to the +duties of his legitimate trade. This served as a mild remedy, for the +window frames presently began to arrive one at a time, and I actually +felt like calling upon our pastor for a special service of praise and +thanksgiving when finally those windows were all in place. + +The one thing that Alice, the neighbors, Uncle Si, and I were amicably +agreed upon was the opinion that Mr. Krome, for a boss painter, was not +worth the powder to blow him off the face of the earth. I felt tempted +to tell him so, but he was at all times so amiable and so chatty that I +really could not find the heart to mention a matter likely to interrupt +the flow of his good nature. The chances are that Mr. Krome +entertained much the same opinion of Uncle Si that Uncle Si had of Mr. +Krome. My somewhat intimate association with workingmen for the last +three months enables me to say that, so far as I have been able to +observe, workingmen often have a precious poor opinion of one another. +The plumbers talk of the carpenters as lazy and shiftless, the painters +speak ill of the plumbers, the carpenters regard the tinners with +derision, and so it goes through the whole category. + +Now that I come to think of it, I am compelled to admit that this +practice of setting a low estimate upon the endeavors and +responsibilities of others is not restricted to the workingman's class. +I blush to recall how often I myself have envied the apparent ease with +which Belville Rock and Bobbett Doller stem the tide of human affairs +while I labor on and on, barely eking out a subsistence. So far as I +can see, they toil not, neither do they spin. + +The chances are, on the other hand, that both Belville Rock and Colonel +Doller regard me as the luckiest of lazy dogs, who has but to lie on +his back and look at sun, moon, and stars to earn both fame and +fortune. The farmer's candid conviction is that the city man is a +fellow who does nothing and gets rich at it; the urban resident is +quite as positive that the farmer habitually loafs around and lets God +do the rest. The truth of this whole matter is that all humanity is +prone to discontentment of that kind which not only denies happiness to +oneself but also begrudges others the happiness they achieve. + +But of this frailty I shall speak no further; indeed, I do not +understand how I happened to be led into this line of discourse, for it +is quite at a tangent with the subject I had in mind--namely, the +butler's pantry. + + + + +XXII + +THE BUTLER'S PANTRY + +In the good old days, which were, of course, the days when you and I +were boys and girls together at Biddeford, Me., our civilization knew +nothing of that miserable invention which is now foisted upon the +modern house under the name of butler's pantry. In those good old days +we used to have pantries and china closets and butteries and all that +sort of thing, and people were contented. + +At the present time, however, civilization is so curiously possessed of +a desire to ape the customs of European society that every kind of +innovation is seized upon with enthusiasm and without any apparent +regard for the derision and contempt to which it renders us liable. In +my opinion (which is sustained by such an eminent authority as Lawyer +Miles) the butler's pantry without the butler is as absurd a +contrivance as a carriage without a horse or a purse without gold or +silver to put therein. Yet there is not, I presume to say, a tenement +house in all this city that has not its butler's pantry; without this +adjunct no home is considered complete, and it makes no difference +whether "the lady of the house" does her own work or is able to employ +female servants, the butler's pantry is a sine qua non. + +I told Alice that I regarded a butler's pantry much in the light of a +last year's bird's nest, and I added that since we were going to have a +butler's pantry minus the butler I supposed the next move would be in +the direction of a wine cellar minus the wine. But my humor is wholly +lost upon Alice; since she began training with other householders that +superior woman has exhibited a strange indifference to my suggestions +and counsel. + +I mentioned Lawyer Miles a moment ago. This gives me the opportunity +of saying that my sympathies have gone out with enthusiasm toward that +gifted man ever since I heard him remark, not very long ago, that he +liked to have things cluttered up in his house. I am not able to +define the compound "cluttered-up," but it conveys to my mind a meaning +that is perfectly clear, and it suggests conditions which are pleasing +to me. I, too, like to have things cluttered up. The most dreadful +day in the week is, to my thinking, Friday--not because we invariably +have fried fish upon that day, but because it is upon Friday that a +vandal hired girl appears in my study and, under the direction of my +wife, proceeds to "put things in shape." Alice insists that I am not +orderly or methodical, yet amid all the so-called disorder of my study +I can at any moment lay my hands upon any chart or map or book or paper +I require, provided everything is left just where I drop it. + +My doctrine about such things is that books and charts and papers were +made for use and are therefore of the greatest utility when most +available. When I am at work I like my tools around me; if they are +not handy, my work is interrupted, and an interruption often breaks the +train of thought and renders impotent or at least mediocre an endeavor +which elsewise would be excellent. In their ambition to "put things in +shape," and to give me an object lesson in order and method, Alice and +her vandal hired girl hide my tools of trade, disposing of my books, +papers, and pens, and even of my slippers, in such ingenious wise as to +keep me busy for hours finding these necessities and replacing them +where they will be available. + +I thought that Alice and her mercenary were the only women in the world +addicted to this weekly practice, but from what Lawyer Miles and other +married men tell me I gather that there are other wives in the world +quite as possessed of the seven devils of order and method as Alice is. + +To return to that other matter: Alice has hinted to me that she intends +to store a great deal of my own porcelain and pottery away in the +butler's pantry. I had hoped that when we got into the new house we +should have plenty of space for displaying the platters, plates, bowls, +teapots, etc., etc., to which age has added a special charm, and the +collection of which has involved the expenditure of much time and money +upon my part. + +I am convinced, however, that Alice intends to hide all these beautiful +old specimens away; the butler's pantry is evidently for this purpose. +I have not questioned Alice about it, but (to use Uncle Si's favorite +expression) "it's dollars to doughnuts" that Alice is figuring on +displaying her sixty-dollar set of new porcelain in the new glass +cabinet in the dining-room, while my rare antiques--among them the blue +platter, which was sent me from New Orleans, and which belonged +originally to the pirate Lafitte--are relegated to the dim mysterious +shelves of the butler's pantry, where dust will obscure them and +spiders make them their favorite romping grounds. I intend to ask +Lawyer Miles what he would do under like circumstances. + +There is a sink in the butler's pantry, but it is wholly superfluous. +I am told that this adjunct is useful in washing such dishes and +glassware as are too precious to be sent to the kitchen. All this +sounds very fine, but the practice is to whew the tableware of all +kinds into the kitchen, whether there be a sink in the butler's pantry +or not. My grandmother (and my mother, too) never suffered a servant +to wash the fine porcelain or the cut glass; that responsible task was +always reserved for the housewife herself, and the result was that no +porcelain was chipped and no cut glass cracked. They sent me an old +willow teapot from Biddeford, and it had n't been with us three weeks +before our Celtic cook marred its symmetry by chipping off its +venerable nozzle. + +The only reason why so many charming bits of china have come down to us +from the last century is that our grandmothers and our mothers cared +for these things and protected them from rough usage. But, bless your +soul! do you suppose Alice could be induced to bare her arms and apply +herself to the task of washing a stack of antique porcelain or a row of +cut-glass tumblers? No, not for the entire wealth of Wedgewood or the +combined output of Dresden and of Sevres! + +Mrs. Baylor tells me that I am doing the butler's pantry a grave +injustice; that the servants will use it, and that it will prove a +great convenience. I do not wish to appear unreasonable and I am +willing to concede that the servants will utilize the pantry and its +death-dealing sink. It is very probable that under their auspices the +slaughter of china and of glassware will be continued; it moots not to +the average hired-girl whether the sink be in the kitchen or the +butler's pantry, upon the housetop or in the bowels of the earth; the +work of destruction goes on at four dollars a week and every Thursday +out. + +It was during the pantry agitation that Mr. Patrick Devoe came into our +lives. He approached us one sweltering afternoon and introduced +himself with all the urbanity of a native of Glanmire, County Cork. He +praised our house and our premises and my wife and our children. We +wondered what he was driving at, but he didn't keep us in suspense very +long, for he was, as he assured us, a business man from the word "go." +He was, it appeared, the proprietor of a street-sprinkling cart, and +the object of his call upon us was to crave the boon of sprinkling +Clarendon Avenue in front of our place at the merely nominal price of +ten cents a day. + +Mr. Devoe could hardly have called at a time more favorable to his +interests. The day was, as I have already intimated, oppressively hot: +there was a stiff wind from the south and the dust rolled up the avenue +in clouds. Mr. Devoe represented to us that the other people in the +neighborhood had contracted for his services and our reputation belied +us if we were unwilling to secure at a paltry financial outlay what +would contribute to our comfort and health. This persuasive gentleman +assured us that, under the benign influence of his sprinkling cart, +Clarendon Avenue would presently become one of the most popular of +suburban driveways. Hither would equipages come from every quarter, +and the thoroughfare eventually would be famed as the coolest, +shadiest, and most fashionable in Chicago. + +Furthermore Mr. Devoe represented that the trees, shrubbery, and grass +of our premises would be directly benefited by his sprinkling cart; the +gracious flood of water, distributed twice a day by his itinerant cart, +would not only lay the dust of the highway, but also permeate and +circulate through the contiguous soil, bearing refreshment and health +to tree, plant, and flower alike. The vigor of vegetation meant much +to humanity; by this means an abundance of ozone would be supplied to +the circumambient atmosphere, insuring healthful sleep and general +reinvigoration to man, woman, and child. + +Mr. Devoe's presentation of the facts and possibilities was so +convincing that both Alice and I recognized the propriety of securing +his services. The sum of ten cents per diem seemed very trifling; it +was not until after Mr. Devoe had departed with our contract in his +pocket that we began to realize that, however insignificant ten cents +per diem might be, seventy cents per week was not to be sneezed at, +while twenty-one dollars for the season was simply a gross +extravagance. I was in favor of recalling and annulling our contract +with Mr. Devoe, but Alice insisted that we should keep strictly in line +with the other neighbors, doing nothing likely to stigmatize us either +as mean or as unfashionable. + +A day or two after this incident a ruffianly looking fellow called on +us to "make arrangements," as he said, about hauling away our garbage +when we got moved into our new house. I told the fellow that the city +sent a garbage wagon around every week to remove the garbage free of +cost. To this the fellow replied that the city did its work +carelessly, that the wagon was invariably overloaded, and that no +reliance could be placed upon the garbage boxes being emptied if that +responsible duty were intrusted to the city employes. + +The fellow seemed to know what he was talking about, and his +representations were so fair that finally I agreed to pay him +twenty-five cents a week for hauling the garbage away. That evening I +heard from Mr. Baylor that the scheme was a vulgar bit of blackmail; +that the fellow was driver for one of the city wagons and made a +practice of extorting fees from householders for doing work which he +was already paid to do. I felt grievously outraged and I threatened to +report this infamy to the municipal authorities. But Mr. Baylor and +other friends assured me that these infamous practices of blackmail +were encouraged at the City Hall, and that I would simply be laughed at +if I ventured to complain. + +It was about this time, too, that I paid a man four dollars to clean +out the catch basin in the rear of our premises. The man told me that +the catch basin was "reeking with the germs of disease." I did n't see +how that could well be, since the sewer had not been laid six weeks. +However, the man insisted, and he talked so portentously of bacteria +and bacilli and morbiferous microbes that finally in a terror of +apprehension I gave him four dollars and bade him do his saving work +and do it quickly. + +When the neighbors heard of this incident they unanimously pronounced +me a fool, accompanying that opprobrious stigmatization with an epithet +which my religious convictions prohibit me from recording. + + + + +XXIII + +ALICE'S NIGHT WATCHMAN + +From what I have already told you it is likely that you have gathered +that Alice and I had good reason to conclude that being a householder +was by no means as cheap an enjoyment as could be conceived of. We +recalled the words of the sagacious and prudent Mr. Denslow. "When you +get a place of your own," said that wise man, "you will find that there +will be a thousand annoying little demands for your money where now +there is one." Our other friend, Mr. Black, had expressed the same +idea when he told us that "a house-owner never gets through paying +out." If Alice and I had had any thought upon the matter at all it was +to the effect that when we had a home of our own we got rid forever of +the monstrous bugaboo of house-rent at sixty dollars a month. We +supposed that all our spare time could be devoted to counting the money +we were going to save by getting out of a grasping, avaricious +landlord's clutches. Experience is a severe teacher; Alice and I have +found out a great many things since we began to have direct dealings +with builders, masons, plumbers, painters et id omne genus, as well as +with sprinklers, day laborers, landscape gardeners, fruit-tree +peddlers, lightning-rod agents, and others of that ilk. + +We duly became aware that we were losing a good deal at the hands of +nocturnal depredators. Our flower beds were despoiled with amazing +regularity; the broken lath and old lumber which had been piled up in +the back yard, and which Alice intended to use eventually for kindling, +disappeared mysteriously, and the carpenters reported finding evidences +every morning that some person or persons had been tramping through the +house the night before. + +We were all at once possessed of the paralyzing fear that this +nocturnal trespasser, or these nocturnal trespassers, might set our +house on fire. The floors were strewn with shavings; a spark would +precipitate a conflagration, and the old Schmittheimer place would burn +like so much tinder. I read over the fire-insurance policies which we +had taken out with our genial friends, Doller, Jeems, and Teddy, and I +found out that the companies represented by those gentlemen were not +responsible for losses upon unoccupied premises, or for losses +resulting from incendiarism. It occurred to me that it would be wise +to invite the police to keep an eye on the place at night, but this +plan seemed impracticable for the reason that I wanted to keep the +lawn-sprinklers running all night in defiance of the ordinance, and +this could not be done if the police were to be mousing about the +premises. + +While I was still worrying over this distressing problem one of the +carpenters came to me with a harrowing tale about a tramp whom he had +caught sleeping in the barn. This tramp had gained access to the barn +by means of a window. He quietly removed the sash, after breaking the +panes of glass, and crawled in. The carpenter caught the impudent +rogue early next morning in flagrante delicto--that is to say, found +him snoozing upon a mattress which Alice had stored away in the barn +for safe-keeping. An argument ensued, but the tramp finally beat a +retreat. + +Upon the evening of that same day the carpenter remained after working +hours to see whether the tramp would come back for another night's +lodging in the nice, warm barn on that nice, clean mattress. Surely +enough, as evening shadows fell the tramp made his reappearance and +sought to effect an entrance to the barn. Thereupon the belligerent +carpenter emerged from his hiding and bade the trespasser be gone. The +tramp complied with this demand, but not until he had signified his +intention of returning later at night for the purpose of squaring +accounts with the carpenter. + +This dark threat filled the carpenter with gloomy forebodings and he +hastened to Alice and me for advice. Of course we assured him that we +would support him in any line of action he would take, and we promised +to pay him one dollar if he would stay and guard the premises that +night. The carpenter was not insensible to the soothing influences of +lucre, and he consented to watch and defend our property, provided we +furnished him with a weapon of one kind or another, for he had a +conviction that the tramp fully intended to come back that very night +to cut his heart out. + +My acquaintance with weapons is limited to that circle which includes +my collection of antique armor and several old flintlocks picked up at +different times in New England and in the South. I confessed to the +carpenter that I had in the house nothing suited to his bellicose +purposes, unless he was willing to put up with a mediaeval battle axe +or a Queen Anne musket. The carpenter seemed disinclined to place any +reliance upon these means of defence, and he suggested that perhaps I +might borrow a pistol of some one of the neighbors. I had not thought +of that before; the idea impressed me favorably, and I proceeded to act +upon it. It was no easy task, however, finding what I wanted. At the +Denslows an axe was the only weapon to be had, and at the Baylors', the +Crowes', the Sissons', and the Ewings' I found that the spears had been +beaten into plowshares and the swords into pruning-hooks. I felt that +it would be folly to apply at the Tiltmans', for Jack Tiltman is the +mildest man in seven States, and he is descended from a line of Quakers +religiously opposed to war and strife. However, meeting with Tiltman, +I ventured to confide to him the dilemma I was in, and I was surprised +when he told me that he could provide me with any kind or size of +revolver I wanted. Presently he brought out of his house a machine +which, had he not assured me to the contrary, I should at first sight +have mistaken for a one-inch aperture telescope. + +"Is it loaded?" I asked. + +"Yes, seven times," said he. + +"And will it go off seven times all at once?" said I. + +"Once will be enough," said he; and then he added that the bore was so +large that if the bullet once struck a man it would let daylight clean +through him, even in the night time. + +You can well understand that, by the time the carpenter was equipped +for defensive operations, the whole neighborhood was worked up to a +condition of great excitement. The children were enthusiastic over the +prospect of bloodshed, and from the chatter that was indulged in by +these innocents you might have supposed that a murderous tramp lurked +at every corner. Alice and I walked over to the Schmittheimer place +with the carpenter, and we were accompanied by several of our neighbors +and their offspring. The evening was now advanced to the degree of +darkness, and our heated fancies transformed every shadow into a living +creature. Little Annie Ewing was on the verge of hysterics and +declared she saw things behind every tree and stump, and Mr. Denslow +contributed to the general excitement by recalling that he had read +that very day of several mysterious murders down in a remote corner of +Arizona by unknown tramps. + +I admit that I, too, was much perturbed. I contemplated with +indignation the lawless impudence of the fellow who had broken into our +barn, and who had subsequently threatened violence to the carpenter for +expostulating against this act of trespass. At the same time I could +not stifle a feeling of pity for the homeless being who doubtless found +the bed upon our barn floor as grateful as the downy couch of a Persian +potentate. Nor could I stifle the conviction that it was a piece of +miserable greediness on my part to deny this friendless and penniless +wanderer the humble shelter he craved. + +In fact I presently became so ashamed of the part I was taking in these +proceedings that but for my regard for Alice's feelings I would have +packed the carpenter off home and left the barn open to the tramp and +all his kind. As it was my conscience gave me no rest until I had +induced neighbor Tiltman to extract the cartridges from the pistol, +which service he did so cleverly that the carpenter knew nothing about +it, and continued to bluster and bloviate like a dragoon on dress +parade. + +The tramp did not return that night, and I was glad he did not, for it +would have spoiled our new premises for me had any act of violence been +committed thereupon. The experience, however, alarmed Alice to such an +extent that she determined to employ a private watchman to guard the +premises by night until we occupied them. She told me at supper the +next evening that for this purpose she had secured the services of a +poor but honest man who had called that day seeking employment. + +"You don't mean to tell me, my dear," said I, "that you have intrusted +this responsible duty to a person who is in the habit of travelling +from house to house, asking alms!" + +"I guess I know an honest man when I see him," said Alice, "and I know +this man is honest, if there is such a thing as an honest man." + +Alice went on to say that her protege was an old soldier; that he had +wept when he told of his unrequited services for his country, and of +the ingratitude which he had experienced when his application for a +pension was denied by the unfeeling authorities at Washington. Alice +said she had never met with a more civil-spoken person, and he must +indeed have impressed her most favorably, for she advanced him fifty +cents on account. + +We slept securely that night, for Alice's assurances made me confident +that under the new watchman's sleepless vigilance all would be safe on +the Schmittheimer premises. But about seven o'clock next morning there +was a rude outcry, and there came a terrible banging at our front door. +Looking out into the street we saw the carpenter with a very sorry +specimen of manhood in custody. The carpenter was flourishing neighbor +Tiltman's unloaded pistol and threatening to blow his prisoner's brains +out. + +"I caught him asleep in the barn!" cried the carpenter, excitedly. + +"Stop! Stop!" shrieked Alice. "Don't shoot him! Don't harm a hair of +his head! He is the night watchman I hired to guard the place!" + +"He 's the tramp!" insisted the carpenter. "He 's the very tramp who +broke into the barn and slept there once before. I 've caught him now +and I won't let him go!" + +The prisoner protested that the carpenter was mistaken, that he was, +indeed, the night watchman, and that he was entitled to "the kind +lady's protection." + +The fellow's voice sounded familiar and I recognized his form and face. +Yes, there could be no mistake; I had seen and dealt with this person +before. + +"My friends," said I, addressing Alice and her carpenter and the crowd +of neighbors that had assembled, "you are right, and yet you are wrong. +I know this man, and I identify him as the base ingrate who stole my +new wheelbarrow and my garden utensils. Your name, sir," I continued, +sternly, transfixing the quaking wretch with a glance of commingled +anger and scorn, "your name is Percival Wax!" + + + + +XXIV + +DRIVEWAYS AND WALL-PAPERS + +Had we been so disposed we could have given the wretched Percival Wax a +great deal of trouble. Lawyer Miles was anxious to prosecute the +fellow, and I dare say he felt that he had missed the greatest +opportunity of his life when Alice and I concluded to let the matter +drop. We were moved to this decision by the consideration that, while +we owed Percival Wax only our resentment and vengeance, a prosecution +of him for his numerous misdemeanors would put us to no end of trouble. +The exposure and punishment of vice would doubtless prove much more +popular among the virtuous, did not these proceedings involve so great +an expenditure both of time and of labor. Alice and I were not long in +making up our minds that we had plenty of other unavoidable troubles to +engage our attention; so we let the tramp go, but not, however, until I +had lectured him seriously upon the propriety of his abandoning his +evil ways and until Alice had given him a clean shirt and an old pair +of shoes with which to start out afresh upon the pathway of reform, +which he solemnly promised to follow. + +If you have ever passed the old Schmittheimer place--and doubtless you +have, for it is the pride and ornament of a most aristocratic +section--you must have noticed the roadway that leads from the street +to the residence that looms up majestically two hundred feet back from +the street. Perhaps you have wondered why grounds in other respects so +attractive should be defaced by a feature so unsightly and so +impracticable as this identical roadway. + +And yet, as I told Alice, this roadway was actually the most natural +feature of the place; there was absolutely no touch of artificiality +about it; it was originally a stretch of sand, and such it had remained +from time immemorial, by which I mean from that remote date--presumably +eighteen centuries ago--when the receding waters of Lake Michigan left +the spot subsequently to be known as the old Schmittheimer place high +and dry in section 5, range 16, township 3. The genius of man had +wrought wondrous and beautiful changes elsewhere, converting marshes +into boulevards and transforming sandy wastes into blooming gardens; +but never had it expended a touch or a thought upon that bald +prehistoric streak which served as a driveway for all vehicles that +dared invade the old Schmittheimer place. + +How many vehicles had in the lapse of years been hopelessly maimed or +totally wrecked while trying to traverse that roadway I shall not +presume to say, for as a man of science I glory in exactness and I +eschew surmise. This much I know, for I have seen it time and again +during the last four months: nothing that moves on wheels has ventured +upon that roadway that it did not sink slowly but surely up to the hubs +of its wheels in the unresisting sand. The Pusheck grocery cart broke +a spring the first time it drove in, and the wagon that hauled the +steam fixtures was stalled for three hours in one of those treacherous +depressions in which the roadway abounds, depressions which, as I am +told, are known to dwellers in hilly country places as "thank-ye-marms." + +Until I became acquainted with this particular roadway I never fully +comprehended the nicety and the force of the phrase "to drive in." I +had heard people say that they had driven into such and such places, +and I had wondered why they employed this figure of speech when, it +seemed to me, it would have been more exact to say that they entered +upon or drove over. But I know now that it is no figure of speech when +one says that he drives into the old Schmittheimer place. No other +phrase could more exactly express an actuality. + +If we were going to retain the driveway in all its unhampered +prehistoric simplicity, just as the glacial period found and left it, +it would really be the proper thing for us to found and to maintain a +rescue station in its vicinity, for we have been called upon to hasten +to the relief of every vehicle that has "driven into" the premises +since we took possession. And a very serious theological aspect of +this matter is had in a consideration of the fact that this prehistoric +driveway not only breaks spokes and tires and hubs and springs, but +also incites human beings to break the third commandment. I have +overheard the young man who drives Pusheck's grocery cart indulging in +expletives which I am sure he never learned as a member of Alice's +Bible class. + +So, taking one consideration with another, Alice and I determined to +have a new road. Undoubtedly this was a wise determination; if we had +gone ahead from that wise beginning and built the road as we had +planned, all would have been well. The serious error we made was in +seeking the counsel of our neighbors--the very same error we have made +and kept on making over and over again ever since we entered upon this +scheme of the new house. + +I take it for granted that you know as well as I do that when it comes +to roads, there are as many different kinds of roads as there are +planetoids in the solar system. Furthermore, paradoxical as it may +appear, each of these different kinds is better than any of these +others, for each possesses not only all the advantages of the others, +but also certain distinct and paramount advantages of its own. Alice +and I had decided upon a dirt road, because we believed that a dirt +road would conform in appearance to the other rustic and farmlike +features of the place, and because we fancied that a dirt road could be +constructed cheaply. + +I use the term "dirt road" under protest. I am aware that what is +called a dirt road is, properly speaking, an earth road. Dirt is +filth, but earth is not; so when we call an earth road a dirt road we +commit a vulgar error by employing a wrong epithet. All this I know, +and yet, conforming to a custom, because it is a custom followed by all +except a smattering of purists, I humiliate my sense of integrity, and +I prostitute the virtue of my native speech. + +In an unguarded moment, as I have intimated, we confided to our +neighbors the precious secret that the stretch of sand from our front +gate to our backyard was to make way for a modern, safe, and +comfortable driveway. Immediately we were overwhelmed with suggestions +and advice as to the particular kind of driveway we really ought to +have. You may have noticed that whenever a friend (a dear, good +friend) advises, he or she invariably tells you what you really _ought_ +to have--putting much emphasis on the "ought." This clinches and +rivets the advice. When one says to you that you really ought to have +such or such a thing, he means, of course, that you would have it if +you were not either too poor or too stupid (or both) to get it. Alice +and I are poor in purse, but I deny that we are idiots. + +Not to consume your time with further discourse upon this subject +(although I will concede that it has its fascinations and its +importance), I will say that the primitive roadway (illustrative of the +pre-glacial period) still winds its Saharan course through our +premises. For Alice and I are undetermined whether to follow our own +instincts and have a dirt road (there it is again!) or whether to +concede to neighborly influence in the matter of this driveway, just as +we have conceded upon nearly every other detail that has come up for +consideration within the last four months. I dare say we shall +eventually come back to our original plan, for it is already as clear +as the noonday sun that if we adopt the suggestion of any one neighbor +we shall have all the rest of our neighbors down on us for the rest of +our lives. + +We had an unpleasant experience of this character in the matter of +wall-paper. It seems that Alice and Adah consulted all the women-folks +in their acquaintance, and after much agitation made such selections of +wall-paper as they believed would serve as a felicitous compromise +between all parties consulted and all tastes expressed. The result is +that nobody is suited--nobody but me. As for me, I am too much of a +philosopher and too busy with my philosophy to spend any time worrying +about the color or the pattern of the paper on the walls. If the paper +is not so prepossessing as it might be, I should be glad that it is +upon my walls rather than upon the walls of those whom it would vex +much more than it does me. + +I do not mind telling you that my favorite color in wall-paper (as well +as in everything else) is red, and it was a delicate concession upon +Alice's part to cover the walls of my study over the kitchen with paper +of undeniably red hue, upon which appear tracings of yellowish white in +a pattern particularly pleasing to my uneducated eye. Little +Josephine's room (which is shared by Alice's sister Adah) is decorated +with wall-paper in which red is also the predominant color. The +pattern is of bunches of roses in full bloom, and these counterfeit +presentments are so true to the life that when little Josephine first +entered the apartment she reached out her tiny hands in rapture and +sought to pluck the beautiful flowers. Adah, too, is delighted with +this floral design; the rose is her favorite flower, and by a charming +coincidence it happens to be also the favorite flower of Adah's friend +Maria--of course you remember Maria; married Johnnie Richardson, and +lives at St. Joe, Missouri. So, you see, there are several tender +sentiments attaching Adah to that rose-bedecked apartment. + +And yet (will you believe it?) there are those who do not at all +approve of the wall-paper in which I and little Josephine and Adah (to +say nothing of Maria) take so great delight. Some of these people have +been ill-mannered enough to laugh aloud and long when they beheld the +impassioned hue of the covering of the walls in my study! There was +one person (I forbear mention of her name) who seriously said she +thought we 'd be afraid to let little Josephine sleep in that +rose-garlanded room; that the glaring colors would be likely to give +the dear child the "willies." I do not know what the "willies" are, +but I do know that little Josephine sleeps well, eats well, and is +happy, and this is all that we could hope for in one of her tender +years. + +Now while I cannot do otherwise than defend the choices in wall-papers +which Alice and Adah have made, I distinctly recognize and I regret two +very unpleasant facts: first, that by not complying with their advice +upon the subject we have grievously offended a number of our neighbors, +and, second, that Alice and Adah are prepared to set down in the list +of their active and malignant foes every woman who presumes to +disparage either by word or by look the wall-paper they have picked out +as most pleasing to their tastes. + + + + +XXV + +AT LAST WE ENTER OUR HOUSE + +The detail of hardware fixtures did not enter into our original +calculations. This was very stupid of us, so everybody else +said--everybody, of course, who had been through the ordeal of building +a house. It is surprising how soon one who has had this experience +forgets that before he had that experience he was as ignorant and as +unsuspecting a body as could be imagined. + +I suspect that after all it is a good thing for humanity that all +people do not have to go through with what Alice and I have experienced +the last four months. Otherwise the world would be filled with +distrust, for I can conceive of nothing else so likely to sow the seeds +of rancor and of suspicion in one's bosom as an experience at building +a house. + +It has seemed to me at times during the last four months as if the +carpenters and joiners and plumbers and painters were leagued against +Alice and me to defraud and to rob us. I supposed that in these dull +and hard times these people would feel in a measure grateful to us for +giving them a chance to ply their trades. I find, however, that they +expect me to be grateful to them for allowing me the privilege of +paying them exorbitant prices for very indifferent services. + +Alice wanted to make a contract in every instance, but she was wheedled +out of this by the eloquent representations of the sharpers to the +effect that it would be much cheaper in the end to pay for the material +used and so much per diem for the actual labor done. This looked +reasonable enough, but the result was wholly in favor of the per-diem +fellows. Our experience has convinced us that a mechanic who is +working per diem will never make an end to his job so long as the +appropriation holds out. + +Of what use would our new house have been to us if the doors and +windows and screens and blinds had not been supplied with the fixtures +required for their operation? We have very little worth stealing, and +yet I feel more secure if there are locks upon our doors and if the +windows are fastened down. Uncle Si knew that we would need bolts and +locks and other similar hardware fixtures; the neighbors, our busiest +advisers, knew it, too; yet nobody ever said booh about these things to +us. They fancied, forsooth, that we would have by intuition the +knowledge which they had acquired by costly experience! And when we +complained of the expense and trouble involved in the selection and +purchase of these extras, the intimation that we were unreasonably +idiotic was freely bandied about by the very people who should have +sympathized with us. + +The fixtures came late, too late for the big storm. There being no +bolt or any other fastening to the north porch door, the wind blew that +door open and the rain descended in torrents upon the hardwood floor of +the guest chamber. Next day it was apparent that the floor was +practically ruined. The carpenters agreed that it would have to be +scraped and that it was very likely to swell and spring out of place on +account of the soaking it had suffered. + +Hardwood floors may have their advantages: they ought to have, for they +are a costly luxury and they are a great care. Owing to the few +hardwood floors in our new house we were delayed moving into the place +for many weeks. When Uncle Si and his cohort got through with them +they were as billowy as the surface of the ocean. + +The painters came to us one by one and apprized us in confidence that +those floors were the worst they had ever seen. They said that the +carpenters must have supposed that we wanted a toboggan slide instead +of hardwood floors. This sarcasm rankled in our bosoms. + +At this critical juncture Lansom Mansom, the cabinetmaker who had made +our bookcases for us, came to our relief with the suggestion that he be +employed to "go over" the floors and make them practicable. He advised +the per-diem scheme, and with characteristic good nature we acceded to +it. Thereupon this crafty and thrifty person set himself about this +delectable task, which busied him five weeks at four dollars a day--a +sum not to be sneezed at, I can tell you. + +When the floors were scraped and stained and varnished it took two +weeks for them to dry; meanwhile nobody was permitted to approach them. +A favored few among our most intimate friends were graciously allowed +to peer in at the shining floors from the porch outside, and it seemed +very tedious waiting for the time to come when we could put those +floors to the uses for which floors are undoubtedly intended. + +When at last we _were_ suffered to walk upon the floors an unlooked-for +casualty came very near dashing to the ground the cup of joy which our +pride had, metaphorically speaking, raised to our lips. Little +Josephine, the most precious jewel in our domestic diadem, had never +before had any experience with hardwood floors, and no sooner did she +begin to dance and caper on that smooth and lustrous surface than the +innocent little lambkin lost her footing and fell, sustaining so severe +a shock as to render the services of a physician necessary. + +This mishap confirmed me in my dislike for hardwood floors, and that +dislike has increased steadily. Several other people have come very +near breaking their necks by losing their balance on that treacherous +surface, and I confess that I myself am compelled to exercise the art +of a Blondin in order to maintain my equilibrium in those slippery +places. + +Alice has always argued that hardwood floors were particularly +desirable for the reason that they did away with the expense and care +of carpets. It is true that we are to have no carpets in the +apartments where these hardwood floors have been laid, but these +handsome floors simply emphasize and italicize a man's poverty unless +they are dotted with rugs, and there is none so foolhardy as to deny +that the average rug costs five times as much as the average carpet. +And the care demanded by a hardwood floor is exacting, for that shining +surface, upon which every spot of dust stands out so distinctly, must +be gone over daily with a soft brush, and must be wiped up with a wet +cloth at least thrice a week. + +Moreover the utmost precaution must be practised lest the surface of +the hardwood floor be scratched or be seamed by the nails in one's +boots or by the legs of tables or of chairs. Our youngest son, +Erasmus, complains grievously of the restrictions put upon him since he +entered upon this hardwood-floor epoch of his career. It is hard for +the buoyant lad to understand why he is not to be permitted to slide +and skate on these floors as he has hitherto been permitted to slide +and skate on the floors of the rented houses we have lived in. I have +not chided Erasmus for his remonstrances, for I, too, have been tempted +to rebel against the new order of things. If either Erasmus or I ever +build a house of our own we shall eschew the hardwood-floor heresy as +we would a pest. + +There is another evil which I am at this moment reminded of, and that +is the folding-door evil. In all my experience I have never met with +another door as honest, sensible, and trustworthy as the door that +swings on hinges. + +I told Alice so when the subject of doors came up in our discussions of +proposed innovations in the new house. But Alice had conceived the +notion that we ought to have a folding door in the parlor, and when +Alice once gets a notion into her head all creation with a pickaxe +couldn't get it out again. + +Properly speaking, the door was not a folding door; it was a sliding +door. When pushed back it was to disappear in the wall separating the +parlor from the front hall. When I saw Uncle Si and his men +constructing this door I expressed the fear that it wouldn't work, but +Uncle Si laughed my fears to scorn; the trouble with too many doors, he +said, was that they were made of cheap stuff; _this_ door, he assured +me, was an A No. 1 door and would never--could never--get out of place. +Then he showed me the rollers and attachments and proved their +practicability and strength. + +Not knowing any more about such things than a seacow knows of the +summer solstice, I assented to all his propositions and went my way +with my apprehensions completely allayed. But in less than forty-eight +hours after Uncle Si and his men turned over the house to us, bang went +that door, and no power at our command could budge it an inch either +way. + +Another carpenter came and investigated. Presently he shook his head +and smiled a bitter smile. Then he told us that the break would not +have happened if the fixtures had not been of the cheapest make. What +we required, he said, was fixtures that cost ten dollars instead of +three dollars, our door being a large parlor door and not a light +pantry door. + +We bade this sarcastic genius go ahead and remedy the evil as best he +could, and the result is that the door now slides as smoothly as even +the most exacting could wish: this repair has involved the expenditure +of only fifteen dollars, and I would not mention it if I had any +confidence whatever in the door even in its rehabilitated condition. I +know as well as I know anything else that as soon as we build a fire in +our heating apparatus next November the heat thereof will warp and +twist that door into such shape that it will be as impossible to budge +it as if it were nailed down. We shall then be in a serious pickle, +for we shall be unable to enter our parlor. + +The windows all over the house are fast in their casings, having been +painted so carefully by those rascally painters that it requires the +power of a steam derrick to raise them. The other morning I tried to +open one of the windows in the butler's pantry, for the atmosphere in +that place was absolutely stifling. I tugged and pulled and pushed in +vain. + +Finally a happy thought struck me, and I hunted up a hammer and used it +lustily upon the obstinate sash. I must have got careless, for after I +had hammered away for several minutes I missed my aim and the head of +the hammer went through a pane of glass. + +I didn't want Alice to know anything about this mishap, so I furtively +hired a glazier to repair the damage I had done. As I made no contract +with the fellow he took advantage of me, just as I should have known by +experience he would. Here is a copy of the bill he has just sent in +for me to pay: + + + "REUBEN BAKER, Esq., to J. SYKES, Dr. + + To one pane glass 7x11 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .30 + To one day's labor setting same . . . . . . . . . . . $3.60 + ----- + Total . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $3.90 + Please remit." + + + + +[It was the intention of Mr. Field to add a final chapter to his book +describing the entrance of the Baker family into their new home, but +his sudden death left the book with this chapter unwritten.] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HOUSE*** + + +******* This file should be named 21808.txt or 21808.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/1/8/0/21808 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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