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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Etiquette, by Agnes H. Morton
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Etiquette
+
+Author: Agnes H. Morton
+
+Release Date: January 28, 2007 [EBook #20470]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ETIQUETTE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Al Haines
+
+
+
+
+
+ETIQUETTE
+
+BY
+
+AGNES H. MORTON
+
+
+AUTHOR OF
+
+"LETTER WRITING," "QUOTATIONS," &C.
+
+
+
+
+  GOOD MANNERS FOR ALL
+  PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY FOR
+  THOSE "WHO DWELL
+  WITHIN THE BROAD
+  ZONE OF THE AVERAGE"
+
+
+(REVISED EDITION)
+
+
+
+PHILADELPHIA
+
+THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+1919
+
+
+
+
+Copyright, 1892, By the Penn Publishing Company
+
+
+
+
+Contents
+
+
+         INTRODUCTION
+
+      I. ETHICS OF ETIQUETTE
+
+     II. VISITING CARDS
+
+           THE OFFICE OF THE VISITING CARD.  STYLE OF CARDS.
+           THE ENGRAVING OF VISITING CARDS.--
+             Cards for Men;
+             Cards for Women;
+             Cards for Young Women;
+             After Marriage Cards.
+           THE USE OF THE VISITING CARD.--
+             Calling in Person;
+             Card-leaving in Lieu of Personal Calls;
+             Cases in which Personal Card-leaving is Required;
+             Cards by Messenger or by Post;
+             Card-leaving by Proxy.
+           SOME FURTHER ILLUSTRATIONS OF CARD USAGE.
+
+
+    III. CEREMONIOUS CARDS AND INVITATIONS.  ETIQUETTE OF REPLIES.
+           THE "HIGH TEA," OR MUSICALE, ETC.
+           WEDDING INVITATIONS.
+           DINNER INVITATIONS.
+           LUNCHEON AND BREAKFAST INVITATIONS.
+
+
+     IV. THE CONDUCT OF A CHURCH WEDDING
+
+      V. ENTERTAINING
+
+     VI. AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS AND TEAS
+
+    VII. THE DINNER SERVICE
+
+           REQUISITES FOR THE DINING-TABLE.
+           THE FORMAL ARRANGEMENT OF THE DINNER-TABLE.
+           THE ARRIVAL OF GUESTS, MEANWHILE.
+           THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF DINNER.
+           THE SERVING OF THE DINNER.
+           MISCELLANEOUS POINTS.
+           DINNER-TABLE TALK.
+           INFORMAL DINNERS.
+
+   VIII. LUNCHEONS
+
+     IX. SUPPERS
+
+      X. BREAKFASTS
+
+     XI. EVENING PARTIES
+
+    XII. THE TWENTIETH CENTURY
+
+   XIII. "THE STRANGER THAT IS WITHIN THY GATES"
+
+    XIV. "MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME"
+
+     XV. "AS THE TWIG IS BENT"
+
+    XVI. SOCIAL YOUNG AMERICA
+
+   XVII. THE AMERICAN CHAPERONE
+
+  XVIII. GREETINGS.  RECOGNITIONS.  INTRODUCTIONS
+
+    XIX. BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC THOROUGHFARES
+
+     XX. IN PUBLIC ASSEMBLIES
+
+    XXI. BEARING AND SPEECH
+
+   XXII. SELF-COMMAND
+
+  XXIII. A FEW POINTS ON DRESS
+
+   XXIV. PERSONAL HABITS
+
+    XXV. SOCIAL CO-OPERATION
+
+   XXVI. ON THE WING
+
+  XXVII. ETIQUETTE OF GIFTS
+
+ XXVIII. GALLANTRY AND COQUETRY
+
+   XXIX. IN CONCLUSION
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+As a rule, books of etiquette are written from the standpoint of the
+ultra-fashionable circle.  They give large space to the details of
+behavior on occasions of extreme conventionality, and describe minutely
+the conduct proper on state occasions.  But the majority in every town
+and village are people of moderate means and quiet habits of living, to
+whom the extreme formalities of the world of fashion will always remain
+something of an abstraction, and the knowledge of them is not of much
+practical use except to the few who are reflective enough to infer
+their own particular rule from any illustration of the general code.
+
+Though it is interesting as a matter of information to know how a state
+dinner is conducted, still, as a matter of fact, the dinners usually
+given within this broad zone of "the average" are served without the
+assistance of butler, footman, or florist; innocent of wines and minus
+the more elaborate and expensive courses; and though served _à la
+Russe_ the service is under the watchful supervision of the hostess
+herself and executed by the more or less skillful hand of a demure
+maid-servant.  Yet, in all essential points, the laws of etiquette
+controlling the conduct of this simple dinner of the American democrat
+are the same as those observed in the ceremonious banquet of the
+ambitious aristocrat.  The degree of formality varies; the quality of
+courtesy is unchanging.
+
+Well-mannered people are those who are at all times thoughtfully
+observant of _little_ proprieties Such people do not "forget their
+manners" when away from home.  They eat at the hotel table as daintily
+and with as polite regard for the comfort of their nearest neighbor as
+though they were among critical acquaintances.  They never elbow
+mercilessly through crowded theatre aisles, nor stand up in front of
+others to see the pictures of a panorama, nor allow their children to
+climb upon the car seats with muddy or rough-nailed shoes; nor do a
+score of other things that every day are to be observed in public
+places, the mortifying tell-tale marks of an _habitual_ ill-manners.
+
+The importance of constant attention to points of etiquette cannot be
+too earnestly emphasized.  The long lecture of instruction to the
+little Ruggles', preparatory to their visit to the Birds, is a
+comical--if burlesque--illustration of the emergency that sometimes
+faces some people, that of suddenly preparing to "behave themselves" on
+a great occasion.  Although the little Ruggles' were fired with
+ambition to do themselves credit, their crude preparation was not equal
+to the occasion.  The best of intentions could not at once take the
+place of established custom.  One might as well hastily wrap himself in
+a yard or two of uncut broadcloth expecting it to be transformed, by
+instant miracle, into a coat.  The garment must be cut and fitted, and
+adjusted and worn for a space of time before it can become the
+well-fitting habit, worn with the easy grace of unconsciousness which
+marks the habitually well-mannered.
+
+In this brief volume I have endeavored to suggest some of the
+fundamental laws of good behavior in every-day life.  It is hoped that
+the conclusions reached, while not claiming to be either exhaustive or
+infallible, may be useful as far as they go.  Where authorities differ
+as to forms I have stated the rule which has the most widespread
+sanction of good usage.
+
+
+
+
+ETIQUETTE
+
+
+ETHICS OF ETIQUETTE
+
+Etiquette is the term applied to correct behavior in social life, and
+refers to the manner of actions and the expression of a proper social
+spirit through the medium of established forms and ceremonies.  Polite
+usage recognizes certain minute distinctions between the mannerly and
+the unmannerly ways of performing every act of life that affects the
+comfort and happiness of others.
+
+By one whose experience in life has been a hardening process tending in
+the direction of a crystallized selfishness the rules of etiquette are
+regarded with contempt and alluded to with a sneer.  No more
+disheartening problem faces the social reformer than the question how
+to overcome the bitter hostility to refined manners which marks the
+ignorant "lower classes."  On the other hand, there is no more hopeful
+sign of progress in civilization than the gradual softening of these
+hard natures under the influence of social amenities.  The secret of
+successful missionary work lies primarily, not in tracts, nor in
+dogmas, nor in exhortations, but in the subtle attraction of a refined,
+benevolent spirit, breathing its very self into the lives of those who
+have hitherto known only the rasping, grasping selfishness of their
+fellow-men, and to whom this new gospel of brotherly kindness and
+deference is a marvelous revelation and inspiration.  The result of
+such missionary work is a triumph of sanctified courtesy, a triumph not
+unworthy the disciples of Him who "went about doing good" while
+teaching and exemplifying the "golden rule" upon which all rules of
+etiquette, however "worldly," are based.
+
+Perhaps it may sometimes seem that there is little relation, possibly
+even some antagonism, between the sincerity of perfect courtesy and the
+proprieties of formal etiquette.  At times etiquette requires us to do
+things that are not agreeable to our selfish impulses, and to say
+things that are not literally true if our secret feelings were known.
+But there is no instance wherein the laws of etiquette need transgress
+the law of sincerity when the ultimate purpose of each action is to
+develop and sustain social harmony.
+
+Sometimes, for example, we invite people to visit us, and we pay visits
+in return, when both occasions are, on the face of it, a bore.  Yet
+there may be good reasons why we should sacrifice any mere impulse of
+choice and exert ourselves to manifest a hospitable spirit toward
+certain people who are most uncongenial to us.  Sometimes for the sake
+of another who is dear to us, and who, in turn, is attached to these
+same unattractive people, we make the third line of the triangle
+cheerfully, and even gladly, no matter how onerous the task, how
+distasteful the association forced upon us.  These are not happy
+experiences, but they are tests of character that we are all liable to
+meet and which prove a most excellent discipline if they are met with
+discretion and patience.  Moreover, in the conscientious effort to be
+agreeable to disagreeable people we are tacitly trying to persuade
+ourselves that they are not so disagreeable after all, and indeed such
+is our surprising discovery in many instances.  Let us hope that others
+who exercise a similar forbearance toward ourselves are equally
+flattering in the conclusions which they reach.
+
+Etiquette requires that we shall treat all people with equal courtesy,
+given the same conditions.  It has a tendency to ignore the
+individuality of people.  We may not slight one man simply because we
+do not like him, nor may we publicly exhibit extreme preference for the
+one whom we do like.  In both cases the rebel against the restraints of
+social mice shouts the charge of "insincerity."  Well, perhaps some of
+the impulses of sincerity are better held in check; they are too
+closely allied to the humoring of our cherished prejudices.  If "tact
+consists in knowing what not to say," etiquette consists in knowing
+what not to do in the direction of manifesting our impulsive likes and
+dislikes.
+
+Besides, etiquette is not so much a manifestation _toward others_ as it
+is an exponent of _ourselves_.  We are courteous to others, first of
+all, because such behavior only is consistent with our own claim to be
+well-bred.
+
+Bearing this in mind we can behave with serenity in the presence of our
+most aggravating foe; his worst manifestation of himself fails to
+provoke us to retort in kind.  We treat him politely, not because he
+deserves it, but because we owe it to ourselves to be gentle-mannered.
+Etiquette _begins at self_.  There is no worthy deference to others
+that does not rest on the basis of self-respect.
+
+  "To thine own self be true;
+  And it must follow, as the night the day,
+  Thou canst not then be false to any man."
+
+
+It is a superficial judgment that descries nothing but insincerity in
+the unvarying suavity of a well-bred manner; that regards the
+conventional code of behavior as merely a device for rendering social
+life artificial.  The _raison d'être_ is always to be found in the
+established rules of etiquette; and probably the most exacting and
+seemingly unnecessary of formalities has its foundation in some good
+common sense principle not far removed in spirit from "the rule golden."
+
+In short, manners and morals are twin shoots from the same root.  The
+essentially well-bred man is he whose manners are the polite expression
+of moral principle, magnanimity, and benevolence.
+
+
+
+
+VISITING CARDS
+
+THE OFFICE OF THE VISITING CARD
+
+The personal, or visiting, card is the representative of the individual
+whose name it bears.  It goes where he himself would be entitled to
+appear, and in his absence it is equivalent to his presence.  It is his
+"double," delegated to fill all social spaces which his
+variously-occupied life would otherwise compel him to leave vacant.
+
+Since the card is to be received as the equivalent of one's self, it is
+important that it shall be discreetly sent upon its embassy.  In every
+case where personal cards are correctly used the owner is accredited
+with having performed _de facto_ whatever the card expresses for him,
+be it a "call," a "regret," a "congratulation," an "apology," an
+"introduction," a "farewell-taking," or whatever.
+
+The rules guiding the uses of visiting cards are based upon this idea
+of representation.  The deputy is on duty only in the absence of his
+superior, so the card is usually superfluous when the owner himself is
+present.
+
+A card sent at a wrong time suggests the possibility that the owner
+might blunder similarly in his personal appearing.  The neglect to send
+a card at a proper time is equivalent to a _personal_ neglect.  The man
+who comes himself and hands you his card also is apt to have too many
+elbows at a dinner, too many feet at a ball.  He has about him a
+suggestion of awkward superfluousness that is subtly consistent with
+his duplicate announcement of himself.
+
+For want of the much-needed genderless singular pronoun I have been
+using the masculine form; but upon reflection I remember that it is the
+women of society who have the most diverse responsibility in the
+management of personal cards, their duties extending even to the care
+and oversight of the cards of their socially careless and negligent
+male relatives.  But no matter who attends to the proprieties, the
+relation of the card to its owner is the same in all cases.  If his
+card blunders, he gets the discredit of it.  If his card always
+flutters gracefully into the salver at exactly the right time and
+place, the glory is all his own, even though his tireless wife or
+mother or sister has done all the hard thinking bestowed on the matter.
+Happy the man allied by the ties of close kindred to a gifted society
+woman, for lo! his cards shall never be found missing, wherever _he_
+may stray.
+
+
+STYLE OF CARDS
+
+The prevailing shape of cards for women is nearly square (about 2 1/2 x
+3 inches).  A fine dull-finished card-board of medium weight and
+stiffness is used.
+
+A man's card is smaller, and narrower proportionately; and is of
+slightly heavier card-board.
+
+The color is pearl white, not cream.  Tinted cards are not admissible.
+
+The engraving is plain script, or elaborate text; as the fashion may
+for the time decree.
+
+The responsibility of furnishing the correct style of card rests with
+the engraver, whose business it is to know the ruling fashion of the
+day.  Any one may have an elegant card by intrusting the choice to a
+first-class stationer.  But it is not half the battle to secure an
+elegant card.  An elegant use of the card distinguishes the
+well-informed in social usage.  This distinction shows when the
+distribution of cards begins.
+
+
+
+THE ENGRAVING OF VISITING CARDS
+
+CARDS FOR MEN
+
+If the surname is short, the full name may be engraved.  If the names
+are long, and the space does not admit of their full extension, the
+initials of given names may be used.  The former style is preferred,
+when practicable.
+
+In the absence of any special title properly accompanying the name--as
+"Rev.," "Dr.," "Col.," etc.,--"Mr." is always prefixed.  Good form
+requires this on an engraved card.  If in any emergency a man _writes_
+his own name on a card he does _not_ prefix "Mr."
+
+What titles may properly be used on a man's visiting-card?  The
+distinctions made in the use of titles seem arbitrary unless some
+reason can be discovered.
+
+The rule should be, to omit from visiting-cards all titles that signify
+_transient offices_, or _occupations not related to social life_; using
+such titles only as indicate a rank or profession that is _for life_;
+and which has become a part of the man's _identity_, or which is
+distinctly allied to his _social conditions_.
+
+To illustrate:--The rank of an officer in the army or the navy should
+be indicated by title on his card, his connection with the service
+being _for life_, and _a part of his identity_.  His personal card is
+engraved thus: "General Schofield"--the title in full when only the
+surname is used; or, "Gen. Winfield Scott," "Gen. W. S. Hancock"--the
+title abbreviated when the given names, or their initials, are used.
+The first style is appropriate to the Commander-in-chief, or the senior
+officer; or in any case where no other officer of the same name and
+rank is on the roster.
+
+Officers on the retired list, and veteran officers of the late war who
+rose from the volunteer ranks, retain their titles by courtesy.  And
+very appropriately so, since the war record of many a gallant soldier
+is inseparable from the man himself, in the minds of his
+fellow-citizens.  He may have retired to private life again, but his
+distinguished services have outlived the brief hour of action; and his
+hero-worshiping countrymen will always recognize him in his most
+salient character, "every inch a soldier."  It is quite impossible to
+call him "Mr.," or at once to know who is meant if his card reads--for
+instance--"Mr. Lucius Fairchild."  Nothing but the title of his
+well-earned rank gives an adequate idea of the man.
+
+The official cards of political officers and ambassadors, which bear
+the title and office of the man--with or without his name--should be
+used only on official or State occasions, and during the term of
+office.  When the incumbent "steps down and out," this card is also
+"relegated."  His friends may continue to greet him as "Governor," but
+he no longer _uses_ the title himself.  In strictly social life, the
+personal card of the ex-Governor is like that of any other private
+citizen, subject to the same rules.
+
+Similarly, professional or business cards that bear ever so slight an
+advertisement of occupations are not allowable for social purposes.
+
+The three "learned" professions, theology, medicine, and law, are
+equally "for life."  But the occupation of the lawyer is distinctly
+related to business matters, and not at all to social affairs.  His
+title, or sub-title, _Esquire_, is properly ignored on his
+visiting-card, and socially he is simply "Mr. John Livingstone."  On
+the other hand, the callings of the clergyman and the physician
+respectively, are closely allied to the social side of life, closely
+identified with the man himself.  Therefore "Rev.," or "Dr." may with
+propriety be considered as forming an inseparable compound with the
+name.  The title is an important identifying mark, and its omission, by
+the clergyman, at least, is not strictly dignified.  "Office hours" are
+not announced on a physician's social card.
+
+It is not good form to use _merely honorary titles_ on visiting-cards.
+In most cases, a man should lay aside all pretension to special office
+or rank, and appear in society simply as "Mr. John Brown," to take his
+chances in the social world strictly on his own merits; assured that if
+he has any merit, other people will discover it without an ostentatious
+reminder of it in the shape of a pompous visiting-card.  Of course this
+suggestion of democratic simplicity refers to the engraving of _one's
+own card_; other people _address_ the man properly by his official or
+honorary title, with all due respect for the worth which the world
+recognizes--even though the wearer of such honors ignores his own claim
+to high distinction.  "Blow your own trumpet, if you would hear it
+sound," is a sharply sarcastic bit of advice, since only hopeless
+mediocrity could ever profit by the injunction.  Real merit needs no
+trumpeter.  Mrs. Grant could afford to call her husband "Mr." Grant, as
+was her modest custom; because all the world knew that he was the
+General of our armies, and the President of the republic.  It is some
+"Mayor Puff," of Boomtown, who can hardly be persuaded by the engraver
+from giving himself the satisfaction of incidentally announcing on his
+visiting-cards the result of the last borough election.
+
+A man's address may be engraved beneath his name at the lower right
+corner, the street and number _only_ if in a city, or the name of a
+country-seat if out of town; as, "The Leasowes."  Bachelors who belong
+to a club may add the club address in the lower left corner; or, if
+they live altogether at the club, this address occupies the lower right
+corner.  An engraved address implies some permanency of location.
+Those who are liable to frequent changes of address would better omit
+this addition to the visiting-card, writing the address in any
+emergency that requires it.
+
+No _messages_ are _written_ on a man's card, and no penciling is
+allowed, except as above, to give (or correct) the address, or in the
+case of "_P. p. c._" cards, sent by post.
+
+
+CARDS FOR WOMEN
+
+The rules in regard to titles are simple and brief.
+
+A woman's name should never appear on a visiting-card without either
+"Mrs." or "Miss" prefixed.  The exception would be in the case of women
+who have regularly graduated in theology or medicine.  Such are
+entitled, like their brothers, to prefix "Rev." or "Dr." to their names.
+
+A married woman's card is engraved with her husband's name, with the
+prefix "Mrs."  No matter how "titled" the husband may be, his _titles_
+do not appear on his wife's visiting-card.  The wife of the President
+is not "Mrs. President Harrison," but "Mrs. Benjamin Harrison."  She is
+the wife of the _man_, not the wife of his _office_ or his _rank_.
+
+A widow may, if she prefers, retain the card engraved during her
+husband's lifetime, unless by so doing she confuses her identity with
+that of some other "Mrs. John Brown," whose husband is still living.
+It is more strictly correct for a widow to resume her own given name,
+and to have her card engraved "Mrs. Mary Brown," or, if she chooses to
+indicate her own patronymic, "Mrs. Mary Dexter Brown."
+
+An unmarried woman's card is engraved with her full name, or the
+initials of given names, as she prefers, but always with the prefix
+"Miss" (unless one of the professional titles referred to takes its
+place).
+
+The address may be engraved or written in the lower right corner.
+
+If a society woman has a particular day for receiving calls, that fact
+is announced in the lower left corner.  If this is engraved, it is
+understood to be a fixed custom; if written, it may be a transient
+arrangement.  If a weekly "at home" day is observed, the name of the
+day is engraved, as "Tuesdays."  This means that during "calling hours"
+on _any_ Tuesday the hostess will be found at home.  If hours are
+limited, that is also indicated, as "from 4 to 6."  Further limitations
+may be specified, as "Tuesdays in February," "Tuesdays until Lent,"
+"Tuesdays after October," etc.  Any definite idea of time may be given
+to meet the facts, the wording being made as terse as possible.  If the
+regular "at home" day is Tuesday (unlimited), and the card is so
+engraved, any of the special limitations may be penciled in to meet
+special conditions.  Sometimes an informal invitation is thus conveyed;
+as, by the addition, "Tea, 4 to 6," etc.
+
+_Other penciling_.--Cards left or sent, before leaving town, have "_P.
+p. c._"--(_Pour prendrè congé_)--penciled in the lower left corner.
+
+A holiday, a birthday, a wedding anniversary, or other event in a
+friend's life may be remembered by sending a card, upon which is
+penciled "Greeting," "Congratulations," "Best wishes," or some similar
+expression.  Such cards may be sent alone, or may accompany gifts.
+
+Any brief message may be penciled on a woman's card, provided the
+message is sufficiently personal to partake of the nature of a social
+courtesy.  But the card message should not be sent when courtesy
+requires the more explicit and respectful form of a _note_.
+
+
+CARDS FOR YOUNG WOMEN
+
+In strictly formal circles a young woman, during her first year in
+society, pays no visits alone.  She accompanies her mother or chaperon.
+She has no separate card, but her name is engraved, or may be written,
+beneath that of her mother (or chaperon) on a card employed for these
+joint visits.  After a year or so of social experience (the period
+being governed by the youth or maturity of the debutante, or by the
+exigency of making way for a younger sister to be chaperoned), the
+young woman becomes an identity socially, and has her separate card,
+subject to the general rules for women's cards, even though she
+continues to pay her most formal visits in company with her mother.
+
+
+AFTER MARRIAGE CARDS
+
+During the first year after marriage cards engraved thus: "Mr. and Mrs.
+Henry Bell Joyce," may be used by the couple in paying calls, or
+returning wedding civilities.  Such cards are also used when jointly
+sending presents at any time.  For general visiting, after the first
+year, husband and wife have separate cards.
+
+
+THE USE OF THE VISITING-CARD
+
+A too profuse use of visiting-cards indicates crudity.  The trend of
+fashion is toward restricting the quantity of paste-board, and
+employing cards always when they are required, never when they are
+superfluous.
+
+
+CALLING IN PERSON
+
+When one calls in person the name of the caller is given verbally to
+the servant who opens the door.  The card is not usually sent up,
+except by a stranger.  But sometimes there is difficulty in making the
+servant understand the name or properly distinguish it from some other
+similar name.  In this case to avoid mistakes the card is sent up.
+
+If the hostess is not at home a card is left by the disappointed caller.
+
+On the occasion of a _first_ call a card is left on the hall table, or
+other place provided, _even though the caller has been received by the
+hostess_.  This serves as a reminder that the acquaintance has been
+duly and formally begun.
+
+On the occasion of subsequent calls, when the hostess is at home, no
+cards are employed, except, as before stated, to avert servants'
+mistakes.  Such is the sensible dictum of good authorities, and one in
+harmony with the idea that the personal card is the _representative_ of
+its owner, not his _accompaniment_.
+
+This idea is more pointedly illustrated in quiet neighborhoods, where
+even the wealthy live simply of choice, and, like their neighbors of
+moderate means, employ but one domestic, or, it may be, none.  In such
+households often the guest is met at the door by a member of the
+family, possibly the hostess herself.  The use of a visiting-card then
+is plainly incongruous, not to say absurd.  The visitor who is paying a
+"first call" under these informal conditions may find opportunity to
+drop a card unobtrusively into the basket, if such receptacle be within
+reach; but if this cannot be done without conspicuous effort the card
+is better ignored, and its place as a remembrancer filled by the genial
+impression which the visitor leaves, and of which an appreciative
+hostess needs no card reminder.  Besides, people "living quietly" visit
+so little, comparatively, that it is no severe tax on the memory to
+recollect who has called, especially as the infrequency of calls gives
+ample time for each one to make an individual impression.  This is not
+possible when a steady stream of visitors is pouring in and out of a
+drawing-room on a fashionable woman's "at home" day, scarcely giving
+the hostess opportunity to gaze upon one face before another has
+displaced it; so that at the end of the hour her memory recalls a
+composite photograph.  Cards are her indispensable aids in resolving
+this picture into its component elements.  But those who "live
+quietly," receiving but few calls, have no such bewildering complexity
+to deal with.
+
+At the same time, these people thus quietly environed may represent the
+most refined and cultivated circle.  They may know perfectly well what
+formal etiquette would demand in the matter of cards if the conditions
+were more formal.  The omission of cards whenever their use would be
+forced, so far from indicating ignorance, is a proof of discrimination.
+
+Personal calls are made in the following cases:
+
+In returning a first visit, made in person.
+
+After a dinner party to which one has been invited, whether the
+invitation was accepted or not.
+
+After any entertainment other than a dinner it is allowable to leave or
+send cards instead of paying a personal call.  This is a wise rule in
+cases where a hostess, has a long visiting list, and entertains
+frequently.  To receive afterward personal visits from all of her
+guests would be practically impossible.  The majority will express
+their acknowledgments by card, leaving it to the most intimate friends
+of the hostess to pay their respects in person.  But among quiet
+people, where one "Tea" is the extent of a hostess' efforts for the
+season, the personal call is desirable as showing greater respect and
+friendliness.  Among congenial friends only the plea of a busy life can
+make the card acknowledgment quite as graceful and acceptable as the
+personal visit.  But if the guest is a comparative stranger, and, for
+any reason, there is a wish not to extend the acquaintance, the sending
+of a card meets all the requirements of etiquette, without committing
+the sender to any further intimacy.
+
+(The alternative for personal calls, is personal card-leaving; the next
+point to be considered.)
+
+
+CARD-LEAVING IS LIEU OF PERSONAL CALLS
+
+When personal calls are not practicable, nor desirable, the leaving of
+cards is accepted as an equivalent.
+
+A few years ago, fashion demanded that all visiting-cards expressing or
+acknowledging social civilities should be left in person; the
+alternative in emergencies being to send them by the hand of a private
+messenger, never through the post-office.  There was good excuse for
+this fashion in our grandmother's day, when the post was a slow coach,
+or a storm-stayed postillion; but the admirable system of our postal
+service to-day leaves no excuse for the prejudice in favor of the
+private messenger; and it is not surprising that fashion has yielded to
+common sense in allowing that many of these cards of courtesy may, with
+perfect propriety, be sent by post.
+
+The following instances illustrate the present correct usage in regard
+to these three ways of leaving cards.
+
+
+CASES IN WHICH PERSONAL CARD-LEAVING IS REQUIRED
+
+After a _first hospitality_, whether accepted or not.
+
+Calls of condolence.
+
+After-dinner calls by cards.
+
+_Alternative_.--In such cases, when _personal_ card-leaving is
+_impossible_, the card is sent by a private messenger, and an
+explanation, or apology, is sent by _note_.
+
+Cards of condolence may be sent by _post_ by friends at a distance; but
+not by persons residing in the near vicinity.
+
+
+CARDS BY MESSENGER, OR BY POST
+
+In all cases where personal card-leaving is not imperative, cards may
+be sent either by messenger or by post.
+
+As the former is still regarded by many persons--especially elderly
+people--as the only strictly polite medium of transfer, it is
+considerate to send cards, invitations, etc., to such people by the
+good old-fashioned messenger, rather than to shock unnecessarily a
+crystallized sense of propriety by ruthless innovations.  But in
+general it is more convenient and quite as neat and reliable to send by
+post; and the fashion of so doing is now fully adopted by the younger
+generation, and no longer subject to criticism.
+
+In stating what _may_ be done, in the way of escaping personal tasks,
+we are merely marking the bounds of propriety in one direction.  On the
+other hand, in most cases, those who choose may make personal calls
+instead of those several formal card-leavings.  When good form allows
+alternatives, each one must judge for himself which form of expression
+is most appropriate in any given case.  Frank cordiality, amounting to
+informality, may be in the best taste in some oases; whereas, in other
+instances, only the most conventional and reserved expression of
+respect is either agreeable or discreet.  In the latter case, let your
+card speak _for_ you, and at "long range"--the longer the better.
+
+
+CARD-LEAVING BY PROXY
+
+One of the peculiar permissions of "good form" is that which allows a
+man to delegate the distribution of his visiting-cards to a near female
+relative, whenever it becomes impracticable for him to attend to the
+matter personally.  Only the women of his own household, or a relative
+with whom he habitually pays visits, can thus represent a man by proxy.
+
+In this country, where most society men--certainly the better
+element--are "business men," whose days are filled with earnest work
+and crowned with the achievements of industry, it is not to be expected
+that men of affairs will always be ready to respond to social
+invitations, or to pay all the calls of civility which fashion decrees
+shall be paid during the hours usually devoted to business.  In theory,
+each man and woman in society is supposed to attend to his or her own
+social duties.  _While it is expected that a man will make all
+reasonable effort to do this, and that he will not altogether neglect
+it_, still, so long as he occasionally appears personally, with a
+genial demeanor that proves the sincerity of his "good intentions," it
+will be accepted in good part if, in a large number of instances, his
+card, instead of himself, appears, brought by another hand.  But let
+men remember that the "good excuse" must be obvious.  Any suspicion of
+indifference robs the proxy card-leaving of all effect as a compliment.
+
+In case a man is legitimately prevented, by business cares, from paying
+calls or leaving his cards in person, it is proper for his wife or
+mother or sister, or other near relative, to leave or send his card
+with her own.  When a woman calls upon another woman she leaves her
+husband's card.  If the hostess is married, a second card is left for
+the host.  She may leave the cards of a son, a brother, or other
+relative, if such responsibility rests upon her.  This formality should
+be observed when paying the first call of the season.
+
+While every well-informed woman should know that it is her place to
+leave her husband's cards for him, it is a fact that many women,
+otherwise attentive to social forms, habitually neglect this particular
+duty.  The result is that the man who has not time to pay visits
+becomes a social nonentity, and society, in some circles, is simply a
+"world of women."  Why does the husband, thus neglected, get out of
+going to the occasional party whenever he can, and when he does allow
+himself to be dragged thither, why does he sulk, leaning against a
+chilly mantel-piece, eying his fragile coffee cup with disdain, and
+enacting the _rôle_ of martyr generally, until he can persuade his wife
+to go home again?  Why, indeed; but because he feels out of place.  His
+rare and incidental appearance is a journey into a far country, of
+which he has little knowledge, and in which he has no interest.  But
+when a man goes--ever so seldom--where he knows that his card
+_habitually_ goes, he feels that he is on familiar ground, and he will
+go in person, of choice, oftener than he otherwise would.
+
+Some men, unaccustomed to exact social observances, would ridicule the
+idea at first, if their wives should announce the intention of leaving
+their husband's cards for them.  But, however much a man might demur, a
+lurking vanity would develop into complacent satisfaction, as he became
+aware of the increasing geniality of the social atmosphere about him;
+and the pleasing glow would take the ultimate form of gratitude to his
+wife.
+
+That the permission to leave cards by proxy is often abused by selfish
+and indolent men is no doubt true.  But the social advantage which it
+gives to a large class of men who are neither selfish nor indolent more
+than counterbalances any disadvantages, and saves to "society" a solid
+element that might be entirely given over to business, if it were not
+for judicious feminine co-operation in the distribution of
+visiting-cards.
+
+"Solid" men would go "into society" far more frequently and with
+greater alacrity if they felt assured that the way had been smoothly
+paved with their own visiting-cards, well laid in place by the deft
+fingers of their skillful women folk, who have left no flaw in the
+mosaic of social proprieties.
+
+
+SOME FURTHER ILLUSTRATIONS OF CARD USAGE
+
+When a married, or elderly woman tacitly invites a man to call on her
+by telling him what are her "at home" days or hours, it is obligatory
+upon him to acknowledge the courtesy.  If unable to call personally he
+should explain that fact and express regret, and should be particular
+to send a card on her next receiving day during the hours that she has
+mentioned.  It is a special courtesy to send also a card for her
+husband, if he is a venerable man, or if, by reason of ill health, he
+is usually at home.
+
+A woman older, or busier, or occupying some position of acknowledged
+distinction, may send her card, indicating her receiving days and
+hours, to a younger or less occupied woman.  This is accepted as a
+call, and an invitation to return the same.  If the recipient chooses
+she may respond in person.  If she does not care to establish a calling
+acquaintance she may respond by sending one of her own cards on the
+receiving day.  In case opportunity occurs for explanation some polite
+reason may be given for not adding to one's visiting list; but unless
+one has the tact to do this without snobbishness, it were better to
+keep silence.
+
+Cards of introduction are simply visiting-cards upon which the owner
+writes, above his own name, "Introducing Mr. ----."  The card is
+inclosed in an unsealed envelope, addressed to the person to whom the
+introduction is to be made, and with the words "Introducing Mr. ----,"
+written in the lower left corner.  It is a delicate matter to refuse a
+card or letter of introduction, but it is a far more delicate matter to
+take the _liberty_ to give one.  If one is in doubt about the readiness
+of the third party to receive the person introduced it is better to
+find some polite excuse for declining to be the medium of the
+introduction.  Fortunately, if the blunder is made of introducing
+uncongenial people they can easily drift apart again without rudeness
+on the part of either.
+
+When any one is invited to a church wedding and cannot attend it is
+proper to send, on the day of the marriage, a card or cards to those
+who issued the invitations; one card, if one parent, or a guardian,
+invites; if the invitation is sent in the names of both parents, a card
+for each, inclosed in an envelope and addressed to both.  If the
+invited guest attends the wedding he leaves or sends cards within a
+week, similarly addressed.  A personal call is allowable if intimacy
+warrants it.  Those friends of the groom who are not acquainted with
+the bride's family should merely send cards.
+
+When a man wishes to make the acquaintance of another man he may call
+and send in his card.  This may or may not be accompanied with some
+explanatory message.  If the man on whom the call is made does not wish
+to receive the caller he will express some polite reason for declining,
+or suggest another time for receiving the visitor.  Usually a man will
+receive another man who makes polite overtures; but if the host does
+not wish to continue the acquaintance he will not return the call in
+person, but simply send his card by post.  This distant rejoinder
+practically ends the brief acquaintance without any discourteous
+rebuff.  It is one of the mistakes of the vulgar to be rude and gruff
+in order to repel an undesired acquaintance.  In reality, nothing
+freezes out a bore more effectually than the icy calm of dignified
+courtesy.  There are exquisitely polite ways of sending every
+undesirable person to limbo.  The perfect self-command of the well-bred
+man enables him to do this to perfection, but without giving offense.
+Moreover, as most people worth seeking are men and women of earnest
+lives and crowded occupations, no one need feel personally chagrined by
+the failure to establish a coveted acquaintance with some gifted man or
+woman.
+
+Cards of condolence are left as soon as possible after learning of the
+affliction.  If in town, cards are left in person or sent by a
+messenger with a message.  If out of town a card is sent by the first
+post.  Nothing is written upon these cards.
+
+A visiting card, with "Congratulations" written upon it, is sent to
+felicitate a friend upon any happy event in which friends may
+sympathize.  Such cards are sent by messenger or by post.  If a card is
+left in person with a kind message, nothing is written upon the card.
+
+When a man calls and sees his hostess, but not the host, he should
+leave a card for the latter.  If the hostess is not at home, two cards
+should be left.
+
+When a man entertains formally, each man invited, whether he accepts or
+not, should acknowledge the courtesy within a week.  He may call in
+person, or leave a card, or send a card by mail, or write a note of
+thanks, whichever he prefers.  This is one of the important formalities
+between men, and the neglect of it argues either ignorance or insolence.
+
+When a man calls upon a woman while she is the guest of a family with
+whom he is not acquainted, he inquires for both his friend and her
+hostess, and, as he is a stranger in the house, he sends up a card for
+each (instead of announcing himself _verbally_, as at the house of a
+friend).  If the hostess receives him on this occasion, but extends no
+further hospitality, he has no claim upon her recognition beyond the
+hour.  If the hostess subsequently offers him any hospitality during
+the time his friend is her guest he must call upon her; but if he
+defers this until after the departure of the guest, he must leave a
+card for the hostess without intruding a personal call, unless he has
+been distinctly invited to continue the acquaintance.  If the man who
+pays the call does not wish to continue the acquaintance with his
+friend's hostess, after she has offered him hospitality, he must at
+least call and leave a card for her, with a polite inquiry for her
+health.  This is obligatory; but nothing further is required.
+
+A visiting card is employed in sending informal invitations to a tea or
+afternoon reception.  The care of the hostess is used, and in addition
+to the name of the regular receiving day the special date, as "January
+19," and some other specific words, as "Tea, 4 to 6," are written in
+the lower left corner.  (In this informal _written_ message _numbers_
+are indicate by _figures_, where _formal_ invitations require the
+_words_ to be written in full.)  This card is accepted by the
+recipients as equivalent to a call paid by the sender, and they respond
+in person at the time indicated, leaving cards with the servant as they
+enter, and also, on their departure, leaving the cards of such male
+members of their respective families as have been invited, but are
+unable to attend.  As few men can leave business at this hour these
+occasions become prominent illustrations of "proxy" card-leaving.  If
+any one invited cannot be present (and in case of a man no female
+relative is there authorized to represent him) a card must be sent by
+post or messenger on the receiving day.
+
+After a change of residence, or after a prolonged absence from home,
+cards of the entire family are sent to notify an acquaintance of their
+re-establishment and of their readiness to resume the social
+interchange.
+
+It is customary for the younger society men to pay a round of calls
+after returning from the usual summer "outing," or to leave cards in
+lieu of a call.
+
+When leaving for a long absence, or when parting from transient, but
+agreeable acquaintances, as companion tourists, etc., when time does
+not admit of farewell calls, visiting-cards are sent by post with "P.
+p. c." (_Pour prendrè congé_--to take leave) written upon them.  This
+is equivalent to saying, "If ever we meet again we will meet on the
+footing of friends, not strangers."  It is a pleasant way of showing
+appreciation of the pleasure afforded by another's society, and the
+formality should not be neglected by one who would be esteemed
+thoughtfully polite and kind.
+
+Only people who cling to old-fashioned customs still fold over the
+right side of a visiting-card to show that the card was left _in
+person_, and also fold over the _left side_ to show that the call was
+intended for _all_ the women of the household.  This custom is
+practically obsolete.  Another fashion that has had its day was that of
+leaving a separate card for each of the women of the household.  Now,
+_one_ card answers the purpose, the inquiry accompanying it indicates
+whether the call was intended for one or for all of the family.  In
+case a _guest_ of the household is included in the call a separate card
+is left for her.
+
+
+
+
+CEREMONIOUS CARDS AND INVITATIONS.  ETIQUETTE OF REPLIESs
+
+THE "HIGH TEA," MUSICALE, ETC.
+
+These occasions are more formal than the ordinary afternoon tea.
+Special cards are engraved, and if any special entertainment is
+provided, the fact may be indicated by the words, "Music," or
+"Miscellaneous Program" (when readings and music are interspersed).
+Or, the announcement may be omitted, and the program furnish a pleasant
+surprise for the guests.  But when "Dancing" is the recreation provided
+for, it must appear on the card, so that guests may prepare for it.
+The card for a "_musicale_" or similar occasion, is simply engraved:
+
+       MRS. JOHN LIVINGSTONE
+             At Home
+   Wednesday, October fifth, from
+       four to seven o'clock.
+  Dancing.           119 Park Ave.
+
+
+FOR A PARTY OR RECEPTION GIVEN IN HONOR OF ANOTHER, the invitations may
+be engraved with a blank space left for the name of the invited guest;
+or, the form may be filled out, and the name of the guest appear on the
+envelope only.  It may read:
+
+    MR. AND MRS. DEXTER HOLMES
+      request the pleasure of
+    .........................'s
+    company on Tuesday evening
+    June sixth, at nine o'clock,
+              to meet
+        Rev. John D. Loring.
+    R.S.V.P.         29 Rice St.
+
+or, the wording may be "request the pleasure of your company," etc.
+The former has the rhetorical advantage of uniformity, the third person
+being used throughout; and it also indicates a personal recognition of
+each guest; but the latter form presents a neater appearance.
+
+As to the use of "R.S.V.P.," or any of the phrases now preferred by
+many, as, "Please reply;" "The favor of an answer is requested," etc.,
+this may be said: some authorities claim that _all_ invitations should
+be _answered_; and that therefore these _requests_ for a reply are a
+reflection on the good manners of the people invited.  But such is not
+the popular understanding.  All invitations that are _plainly limited
+to a certain number of guests_, as dinners, card parties, and certain
+exclusive receptions, should be answered at once, in order that
+vacancies may be filled.  Whether the invitation is accompanied with
+the request for a reply or not, all thoughtful people will recognize
+the propriety.  But on many occasions where numbers are not necessarily
+limited, only the hostess can say whether the reply is urgent or not;
+since it is a question of her personal convenience, the limits of
+house-room, or some other individual matter.  As no one class of
+entertainments is given always under the same conditions, it is well to
+allow the hostess to choose whether she will add or omit the request
+for a reply to her invitations.
+
+Meanwhile, the punctilious may reply to every invitation of a strictly
+social character, and even if the host or hostess did not expect it,
+such reply can give no offense; whereas, the _neglect_ of a _necessary_
+reply might prove very awkward and annoying.
+
+A private ball is only a more elaborate form of a dancing party.  The
+invitations are phrased in the same language, but the hour is usually
+not earlier than 9.30 P. M.
+
+The same form of invitation can be adapted to almost any reception,
+party or other social entertainment, with such variations in the
+phrasing as suit the circumstances.
+
+It may be said that it is unnecessary to give explicit directions about
+invitations, inasmuch as the engraver is the one ultimately responsible
+for the accuracy of these things.  But on occasions when small numbers
+are invited--but undiminished formality is observed--the formal
+invitation is requisite, yet the engraved card is a needless expense.
+In such cases one may have cards _written_ in due form.  But, for
+written invitations of this formal character, it is imperative that the
+paper shall be of superior quality, and the penmanship neat, and
+_thoroughly stylish_ in effect.
+
+
+CARDS OF INVITATION TO A WEDDING are issued in the name of the bride's
+parents, or, if she is an orphan, by her guardian, or some relative or
+friend who gives her the wedding.  All expenses are paid by the bride's
+family.
+
+It is not etiquette for the groom to bear any of the expense, except
+the fee to the clergy man; nor to furnish anything for his own wedding,
+except the ring and the bouquet for the bride, presents for the
+brides-maids and best man, and some little token for the ushers.
+
+The hostess (who invites) requests the groom to furnish her with two
+lists of names--one list of those of his friends whom he wishes to be
+present to witness the ceremony, and another list of those whom he
+would like to see at the reception also.  These, with similar lists of
+the bride's friends, make up the number of guests to be invited.
+Wedding invitations are usually sent out two weeks before the day fixed
+for the ceremony.  The invitation is engraved and printed upon a note
+sheet, in handsome plain script, the lines broken to give distinction
+to the several ideas, and the wording made as terse as possible.  The
+formula is nearly unvarying:
+
+                MR. AND MRS. GEORGE LATHROP
+            request the pleasure of your company
+              (or the honor of your presence)
+             at the marriage of their daughter,
+                      MARY ADELAIDE,
+                            to
+                 MR. WILLIAM HENRY BISHOP,
+                  at St. Philip's Church,
+  On Wednesday evening, October twelfth, at seven o'clock.
+
+
+If the marriage is to be solemnized at home the date follows the names
+in succession, and the place of residence is given last.  The
+invitation may vary, "the wedding reception of their daughter," etc.
+Or, accompanying the church wedding invitation may be a square card
+bearing the lines: "Reception from half-past seven until nine o'clock,"
+with place of residence on the line below.
+
+Also, to avoid a crowd at the church, a smaller card is sometimes sent
+with the invitations bearing, for example, the words: "Please present
+this card at St. Philip's Church, Wednesday evening, October twelfth,
+at seven o'clock."  This card of admission is also given to
+dependents--the domestics of the family or such persons as may be
+entitled to the kind notice, but who are not, strictly speaking,
+invited guests.  The number of such cards should never be greater than
+the comfortable capacity of the church, lest their original purpose be
+defeated.
+
+In case the ceremony is private the immediate family and chosen friends
+are invited verbally.  It is then optional whether or not a formal
+announcement shall be made to a wider circle of friends by sending out
+engraved cards the day after the ceremony.  These are, like the
+invitations, printed on note sheets, and are phrased briefly, as
+
+        MR. AND MRS. GEORGE LATHROP
+  announce the marriage of their daughter,
+             MARY ADELAIDE,
+                   to
+         MR. WILLIAM HENRY BISHOP,
+    Wednesday evening, October twelfth,
+           St. Philip's Church.
+
+
+"At Home" cards sometimes accompany this announcement, or they may be
+sent out later by the young couple themselves, if a long wedding trip
+intervenes.
+
+The private wedding and after announcement is often the most
+suitable--in fact, the only appropriate method to adopt when a bride is
+comparatively alone in the world, or has no near relatives to take
+charge of wedding formalities.  In such a case the announcement is
+worded: "Mr. William Henry Bishop and Miss Mary Adelaide Lathrop,
+married, Wednesday, October twelfth, 149 Willow St."  If no other place
+is given this is understood to be the place where to address cards of
+congratulation.  If the young couple are to receive later, in a new
+home, that address, with date of the "at home," is also given, thus,
+"At home, after November fifteenth, 1129 Lake St."  If the change of
+residence is to another town, the name of the town is also given.
+
+For the proper style of "displaying" the phrases of an invitation or
+announcement one may apply to a first-class stationer.  Plain script
+and the finest white paper are always correct.  Any show of
+ornamentation is out of taste.
+
+When the circle of acquaintances is very large and invitations must be
+limited to a certain number, the announcement cards may be sent to
+others.
+
+A wedding invitation, unless it includes a wedding breakfast, limited
+in number, requires no reply.  Cards sent afterward are all that is
+necessary.  These cards, and whatever congratulations are sent, are
+addressed to the ones in whose name the invitation or announcement was
+sent out--usually the parents of the bride.  A congratulatory note to
+the bride is always in order among intimate friends, _but this bears no
+relation to a response to the invitation_.
+
+
+WEDDING ANNIVERSARY INVITATIONS are simply, "Mr. and Mrs. George
+Lathrop, at home," etc., with date and residence.  They are printed on
+cards or note sheets, preferably the latter, and the character of the
+occasion is indicated by a monogram at the top of the page, in the
+centre, flanked by the two annual dates, as "1837 [monogram] 1887."  If
+for a golden wedding this heading is lettered in gold; if for a silver
+wedding, in silver, the invitation being, as usual, printed in black
+ink.  It is good form to engrave "No presents" in the lower left
+corner, if such is the wish of "the bride and groom."
+
+
+DINNER CARDS OF INVITATION may have this form:
+
+       MR. AND MRS. GEORGE LATHROP
+           request the pleasure
+  Of ....................................
+      company at dinner on Thursday,
+    ................ at seven o'clock.
+             95 Willow Street.
+
+
+The above form may be engraved for perennial use by a host or hostess
+who frequently give dinners, and always on the same day of the week.
+Blanks are left to be filled in with the name of the invited guest and
+the exact date.  Or for a single occasion the form may be without any
+blank spaces, and the phrasing read, "Request the pleasure of your
+company."
+
+A dinner given in honor of some distinguished guest requires an
+invitation card specially engraved.  This form is most deferential:
+
+               To meet
+          GENERAL LA FAYETTE,
+      MR. AND MRS. GEORGE LATHROP
+          request the honor
+  of ........................ company
+               at dinner
+        on Wednesday, May tenth,
+            at eight o'clock.
+            95 Willow Street.
+
+
+If the honored guest is esteemed on the score of personal friendship
+rather than public distinction his name will be given last, instead of
+first, on the card, the phrasing of the invitation remaining the same.
+
+Invitations to dinner should be answered at once, and no one should
+accept if there is the least doubt about being able to be present.
+Only the most serious detentions suddenly arising will excuse a failure
+to keep a dinner engagement once made.  If such contingency does occur
+at the eleventh hour an explanation and apology should be sent to the
+host or hostess without delay in order to give opportunity for securing
+"the fourteenth man."
+
+
+FOR A FORMAL LUNCHEON OR BREAKFAST the invitation cards are similar in
+form to dinner cards.  But since the manner of serving, the numbers
+invited, etc., are not so definitely fixed it is proper to add R.S.V.P.
+on cards that especially call for a reply in the judgment of the
+hostess.  Otherwise many people with vague ideas of the "informality"
+of these occasions might omit to send replies.
+
+
+
+
+THE CONDUCT OF A CHURCH WEDDING
+
+The sexton should be duly informed what preparations to make at the
+church; the awning at the entrance, the ribbon barrier across the
+aisle, the floral decorations, etc., by whomever arranged and executed
+are under the supervision of this functionary, who is responsible for
+having everything in order.
+
+It is no longer good form for a bride to be late at her own wedding.
+Now, when the invitation says "seven o'clock" it is expected that the
+ceremony will begin at that hour precisely, accidents aside.
+
+The organist is engaged by some one interested in making the
+arrangements, and is supposed to be in his place for a half-hour or so
+before the hour of the ceremony; and while the guests are assembling he
+discourses music appropriate to the occasion--a rambling, meditative
+_pot-pourri_ of sweet and pathetic sentimental songs being a popular
+and effective choice.  In churches having a vested choir it is possible
+to secure very beautiful effects in the musical adjuncts, the
+processional adding greatly to the grace and dignity of the ceremonial.
+
+The sexton, or his deputy, stands at the door, salver in hand, to
+receive the admission cards as people enter the church.  The invited
+guests are met at the foot of the centre aisle by the ushers.  An usher
+offers his arm to a lady and conducts her to a seat, the friends of the
+bride being seated at the left and the friends of the groom at the
+right of the middle aisle.  When, as often happens, the groom is "from
+a distance," and few of his far-away acquaintances can be present, this
+separation of guests is not observed.
+
+At the appointed hour, the clergyman appears at the altar rail; the
+groom, accompanied by his best man, emerges from the vestry, and takes
+his place at the right, awaiting the arrival of the bride.  At this
+instant, the organist stops dreaming, wakes up, and starts boldly into
+the wedding march, as the bridal party move up the aisle, in the
+following order: First, the ushers, in pairs, then the bridesmaids,
+also in pairs.  Sometimes a little "maid of honor," carrying flowers,
+precedes the bride.  The bride, leaning on the arm of her father, comes
+last.  The ushers and the bridesmaids separate as they reach the altar,
+and go to the right and to the left.  At the altar the groom receives
+the bride from her father's hand.  The latter steps back a few paces,
+but remains near enough to "give away the bride."  When this point in
+the ceremony has been passed, the father quietly joins the mother in
+the front pew.
+
+If the processional has been the "Lohengrin" march, it is thought by
+many to be very effective for the organist, all through the ceremony,
+to continue on the swell organ a dreamy _sotto voce_ improvisation, in
+the course of which a varied reiteration of "Faithful and true" serves
+as an affecting expression of the sentiment of the hour.  The most
+enjoyable tears are shed by the emotional under this inspiration.  But
+other people prefer the solemn stillness, broken only by the voice of
+the priest and the responses of the high contracting parties.  It is a
+matter of taste and feeling; and those interested are at liberty to
+indulge either fancy.
+
+The bride stands at the left of the groom during the ceremony; and also
+takes his left arm at the close.  When the ceremony is concluded, the
+officiating clergyman congratulates the couple, but does not kiss the
+bride as formerly.  In the Episcopal Church, and any other churches
+where it is the duty of the contracting parties to sign the parish
+register, the clergyman, the newly wedded pair, and their witnesses,
+now retire to the sacristry for this purpose.  On their return to the
+chancel, the organ peals forth the Wedding March; the bride and groom
+lead the bridal party in returning down the aisle, the bridesmaids and
+ushers following in due order, and after them the nearest relatives;
+and all, entering their carriages, are driven at once to the home of
+the bride's parents.
+
+After a morning, or "high noon" wedding, a "breakfast" is usually
+served.  If the ceremony has been a nuptial mass, in the Catholic or
+High Church ritual, the bridal party have--presumably--observed the
+fast, before the mass; therefore, the "breakfast" is really a
+breakfast.  However, the term is popularly used by non-ritualists, when
+the ceremony bears no relation to the mass; and regardless of the fact
+that the real breakfast has been taken at the usual hour.
+
+A bride may wear full dress at any hour, day or evening; but
+_decolleté_ dress is not good form at a church wedding, nor is it
+allowed in the Catholic church.  White is the preferred color for a
+young bride.  A widow-bride, on the contrary, should choose some other
+color; and she wears neither veil nor orange-blossoms.
+
+Details of fashion vary so constantly that specific directions cannot
+be given with any assumption of final authority.  A fashionable modiste
+should be consulted in the emergency.
+
+The dress worn by a guest at a wedding may be as rich as desired, but
+should not have a bridal appearance.  Sometimes a recent bride wears
+her own wedding gown at a friend's wedding; but it is in better taste
+not to do so, nor in any other way to invite comparisons.  The bride
+should be permitted to be the conspicuous figure at her own wedding,
+and while her friends may pay her the compliment of wearing handsome
+toilettes on that occasion, still, other women should dress just a
+little less elaborately, rather than commit the solecism of
+"out-dressing the bride."  Fortunately, one may show all delicate
+consideration in this matter, and yet be beautifully and becomingly
+dressed.
+
+
+
+
+THE ETHICS OF HOSPITALITY
+
+Hospitality shares what it has.  It does not attempt to _give_ what it
+_has not_.  The finest hospitality is that which welcomes you to the
+fireside and permits you to look upon the picture of a home-life so
+little disturbed by your coming that you are at once made to feel
+yourself a part of the little symphony--the rare bit of color just
+needed to complete the harmonic combination.  With this flattering fact
+impressed upon your glowing memory you will hardly be able to recall
+the material adjuncts of the occasion.  It is a sign of a gross nature
+to measure hospitality by the loaves and fishes, forgetting the miracle
+that goes with them.  And it is equally a mistake for a host to be
+afraid to offer humble entertainment when richer offers are beyond his
+means.  To a refined perception "the life is more than the meat," and
+the personality of the host, not the condition of his larder, decides
+whether or not it is an honor to be his guest.  Delightful though it be
+to be able to afford one's guest a rare and beautiful entertainment,
+one must dismiss the idea that a graceful and acceptable hospitality
+depends on material things.  Sir Launfal, sharing his crust with the
+beggar at the gate, was still Sir Launfal.  The impoverished hostess
+may preside at her frugal board with the spirit and the manner of a
+queen, whereas the coarse-fibred vulgarian vainly heaps his platters
+with choicest game and rarest fruit, the while he serves the banquet
+like the churl that he is.
+
+Whatever your entertainment, rich or poor, remember, first of all, to
+give _yourself_ to your guest; then, if he is appreciative, he will not
+criticise your simple dinner, nor grumble at the flavor of your wine.
+One of the wits of the day has gravely reported that at a banquet in
+the Athens of America, "the _menu_ consisted of two baked beans and
+readings from Emerson."  Despite its grotesque exaggeration, the _mot_
+contains the kernel of a dignified truth: that material things are of
+secondary importance on all social occasions worthy of the name.
+
+The most expensive entertainment given by any one should be merely an
+incidental illustration of his already recognized financial means.  It
+should never be so beyond his usual ability as to arouse among his
+neighbors the wonder, how he could afford it?  When people who are
+known to have only a moderate income give "spreads" disproportionate to
+their daily mode of living, the thoughtful observer instinctively
+questions their taste and good sense.  Usually such ostentatious
+display brings more or less derision on the ones who are foolish enough
+to spend more money to make their neighbors stare for a day than they
+use to make themselves comfortable for a year.  No matter how elaborate
+the entertainment the guests should not be allowed to suspect that
+their host has exhausted his resources, or that he might not be able to
+do this same thing at any time that he chose.
+
+As already suggested, the character of the entertainment in a private
+house should never be such as to involve a total departure from the
+habitual customs of the household.  It is granted that provision must
+be made on a grander scale for larger numbers; the _quantity_ of things
+will necessarily be augmented, and mere bulk wears a certain air of the
+imposing, and when to this is added the vital element--the magnetism of
+a brilliant company--the participant will seem to breathe a rarified
+atmosphere, and to an extent to be exalted above the level of everyday
+life.  Yet that level should not be lost to sight nor cease to be the
+basis of measurement.  The quality of elegant serving and mannerly
+eating should be just what is every day observed at the family dinner
+of the same household.  The guest should get a correct idea of the home
+atmosphere of the house, even though it be slightly congealed by the
+formality and reserve which the presence of strangers naturally
+inspires.
+
+When people assume to entertain socially they should not give a false
+showing of themselves or of their means.  The proudest spirit
+acknowledges the limitations of poverty with dignified truthfulness; it
+is the moral coward who seeks to hide these limitations by a greater
+display than his circumstances warrant.  And he reaps as he sows.  His
+"entertainments" fill an idle hour for the class of visitors who
+gravitate mainly to the supper-room, while the giver of the feast,
+under the tension of this social effort, suffers a weariness of the
+spirit as well as of the flesh, and gives a sigh of relief when the
+door closes upon the last guest, and the pitiful farce is declared
+"over."  We wonder "Why do they thus spend their strength for that
+which profiteth not?"  Surely, few things in the course of a misspent
+life are less profitable than such over-strained efforts at showy
+entertainment.  The "banquet hall deserted" presents on the following
+day a grim reminder of the petty economies that for weeks hence must
+secretly be contrived in order to restore the balance of an overdrawn
+bank account.  The folly of _living_ beyond one's means may have this
+extenuating feature, that it is often an error due to generous, though
+indiscreet impulse, or to inexperience; but the folly of spending money
+lavishly on a few ostentatious "spreads" that are "beyond one's means"
+has no redeeming points.  The deception seldom long deceives.  It is a
+social blunder, the effect of which is to depreciate rather than to
+enhance the social importance of the family thus entertaining.
+
+It will be understood that this refers to cases when the motive of
+extravagance is to gratify vanity.  It does not mean to imply that the
+Christmas dinner, or the birthday party, or the wedding anniversary may
+not be a time when all the energies of a poor and usually frugal
+household may be concentrated to prepare for one occasion of feasting
+and rejoicing.  The Cratchetts may have their roast goose; even the
+Micawbers may be indulged in their occasional banquet.  And the
+carefully planned birthday party may be all the more gratefully
+appreciated by the honored one when it is known that every choice
+provision for the occasion represents some thoughtful contriving and
+some self-sacrifice prompted by affection.  Such occasions are
+"red-letter days" in the homes of people of limited means; and pathos
+is never more delicately suggested than when the poor man forgets his
+poverty in the wealth of a home-gathering and a feast of remembrance.
+"Let not a stranger intermeddle with their joy."
+
+In the two cases the financial conditions may seem to be parallel, but
+in essential spirit there is no resemblance.  What is done from
+sentiment and affection is above commercial measurement.  What is done
+for the sake of ostentation is, by its own act, made a legitimate
+object of popular criticism.
+
+Another point of good taste in entertaining is that one who is
+wealthier than others of his social circle should not conspicuously
+outshine his neighbors by giving them a kind and degree of
+entertainment which will make their return of civilities seem poor and
+mean by comparison.  Unless the rich man is so greatly beyond others in
+the scale of wealth that comparisons cease to be odious, it is more
+considerate for him to keep within the degree of expense and display
+possible to the average of his associates.
+
+There is still another reason why the very rich should be chary of
+giving magnificent entertainments.
+
+The dazzled community, gazing spell-bound upon the spectacle of a
+flower-decked mansion, brilliant with colored lights and echoing to
+bewildering strains of music, is apt to forget, in this aggregation of
+the energies of florist, caterer, and band-master, the one man who is
+supposed to be, but is not, the author of this occasion.
+
+George (descanting on the glories of the "crush of the season")--"The
+music--the champagne--the----"
+
+Montague--"Ah! yes; and how did 'mine host' bear himself?"
+
+George--"The host! (ruefully).  B'Jove!  I forgot to hunt him up!"
+
+
+Unfortunately, mine host had allowed his surroundings to belittle
+himself.  Many a brilliant "social event" might properly be chronicled
+under the head-line: "Total Eclipse of the Host!" so insignificant does
+the man become when he carries his standards of social entertaining in
+his pocket-book instead of in his brains.
+
+However, one need not be very rich in order to make this same mistake.
+It is made every time that social life ceases to be social, and becomes
+merely a contest of rival displays.  This folly is observed in small
+villages quite as often as in the metropolis.  In contrast, how
+refreshing it is to cross the threshold of a refined and cultivated
+home, and find awaiting us a cordial welcome and a genuine hospitality,
+so true to its author's personality and environment that whether water
+or wine be offered we know not, grateful that our host gives us his
+best, whatever it is, and, best of all, gives himself.
+
+
+
+
+AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS AND TEAS
+
+Fashions in entertaining have changed within the memory of "those now
+living."  Once, large parties were given, hundreds of invitations were
+issued, a house was crowded from veranda to attic, and the occasion was
+one of the few notable social events of the season.  Then came the
+fashion--partly for exclusiveness, partly for novelty, largely for
+convenience--of giving during the season several small parties or
+receptions, which in the aggregate might include all of one's visiting
+list.  The disadvantage of this plan, as an exclusive method of solving
+the problem of social entertaining, was that slights were liable to
+occur, and were sure to be bitterly felt and resented.  Yet, what was a
+hostess to do?  To go back to the old-time crowded party, superadding
+the increased luxury of modern entertaining, would be to re-establish
+an inconvenient and expensive fashion.  But some way must be devised to
+bring one's friends together, in larger numbers, and with more prompt
+and direct expression of hospitality and good fellowship than could be
+conveyed by the slow and stately process of a series of dinners.
+
+"Necessity is the mother of invention."  Someone, probably having
+reflected upon the easy social character of the English five o'clock
+tea, solved the problem for the American hostess by instituting the
+afternoon reception, which, somewhere between the hours of four and
+six, summons a host of friends to cross one's threshold and meet
+informally, chatting for a while over a sociable cup of tea, each group
+giving place to others, none crowding, all at ease, every one the
+recipient of a gracious welcome from the hostess, who by the
+hospitality thus offered has tacitly placed each guest on her visiting
+list for the season.
+
+The afternoon reception is much the same affair, whether it be a tea
+merely, or a _musicale_, or a literary occasion.  If merely a
+reception, conversation and the desultory chat of society, the drifting
+about and the greeting of friends, and incidentally the cup of tea and
+its dainty accessories, fill a half-hour or so very pleasantly; and
+though inconsequent so far as any plan or motive is concerned, such
+meeting and mingling may have all the desired effect as a promoter of
+social pleasure and harmony.
+
+When a _musicale_ is given at these afternoon hours, usually it is in
+honor of some brilliant amateur, a pianist or singer, or, if the
+program is miscellaneous, a gifted elocutionist.  Or, it is an occasion
+when some lion of the professional stage has been captured, either
+socially or professionally, and the hostess gives to her less fortunate
+friends an opportunity to see and hear at close range the celebrity
+usually visible only through opera-glasses and beyond the foot-lights.
+Or, some lady of well-known musical taste may be the patron of some
+newly-arrived professor of music; and she invites her musical friends
+to meet him, with the benevolent purpose to give him a profitable
+introduction to a promising class of patrons.
+
+When under any of these or similar conditions a formal program is
+arranged, the hour is fixed, and is stated on the invitation card; as
+"Music at 4."  The guests should be prompt at the hour, so that no
+interruption or confusion shall occur.  When the reception is merely
+social, guests come and leave at any time within the hours specified on
+the invitation card; as, "Tea, 4 to 6."
+
+When admitted to the house each one hands a card to the servant in
+waiting.  The guest repairs to the dressing-room to lay aside outer
+wraps, and attend to any detail of the toilet which wind or accident
+may have disarranged.  Upon entering the parlor each guest is greeted
+by the hostess, who stands near the door, surrounded by her aids.  If
+her husband's name appears on the card of invitation, he, also, is in
+the receiving group, contributing, in so far as a man humbly may, to
+the success of the occasion.  The aids, besides assisting in receiving
+the guests, are attentive to entertaining; and they see that no shy
+person is overlooked in the invitation to partake of refreshments.
+
+The tea is served in the same room when the guests are few, and in
+another room of the suite if the reception is large.  Usually a single
+table is set, with coffee or chocolate at one end, and tea at the
+other, served by young ladies, friends of the hostess.  To be invited
+to preside at the coffee urn, or to manipulate the swinging tea-kettle,
+is accounted a high compliment.
+
+Besides the tea, the refreshments, which are served from the table, may
+be very thin slices of bread and butter, or wafers, or similar trifles;
+but if the occasion approaches the nature of a formal reception, a more
+elaborate preparation is made; _bouillon_, oysters, salads, ice-cream
+and cakes, delicate rolls and bon-bons may be offered.  The gradations
+by which the frugal tea passes into the superabundant supper are not
+easily classified.  Each hostess will judge how much or how little
+prominence to give to these provisions for the inner man.  Usually,
+however, very simple refreshments, daintily served, are all that is
+desirable, as the guests go home to their dinners.
+
+If a guest is a comparative stranger to others present, she is at
+liberty to address any one in a chatty, agreeable way, without
+introduction.  Also, if any one observes another guest who seems to be
+alone and neglected, it is a graceful and kind overture to open a
+pleasant conversation.
+
+One should not linger too long at an afternoon tea.  Three-quarters of
+an hour is a happy medium.
+
+Allied to the afternoon tea are various phases of informal daytime
+entertaining.  For example, there is the "shower" for a bride-elect
+("linen," "culinary," or what you will).  A friend of the bride-to-be
+invites a coterie of girl friends to meet the guest of honor, giving
+each girl time to provide some beautiful or useful gift, the
+presentations to be made with amusing ceremonies.
+
+The "thimble bee," a favorite diversion of the quiet matronly set, each
+one bringing her own bit of needlework to while away an hour or so in
+pleasant conversation.  One of the number may read aloud, with pauses
+for comment at will.  The thimble bee is a modern version of the good
+old-fashioned "spend the afternoon and take tea."  Both the shower and
+the thimble bee may be given in the forenoon, if preferred.
+
+
+
+
+THE DINNER SERVICE
+
+REQUISITES FOR THE DINING-TABLE
+
+_Table-Linen, etc._--Table-cloths of white damask, double or single, as
+fine as the owner's purse admits, are used for the dinner-table, with
+large square white napkins to correspond.
+
+The table should first be covered with a mat of double-faced cotton
+flannel wide enough to fall six inches below the edge of the table, all
+around.  This under mat greatly improves the appearance of the
+table-cloth, which can be laid much more smoothly over this soft
+foundation.  Besides, the mat protects the table from too close contact
+with hot dishes.  Small table mats for the purpose of protecting the
+cloth are not fashionable at present, though many careful housekeepers
+retain them rather than risk injury to fine table linen.
+
+Carving-cloths are used when carving is done at the table, but are not
+needed when dinner is served _à la Russe_.
+
+Napkin rings are discarded by many who hold that a napkin should be
+used but once, and must be re-laundried before reappearing on the table.
+
+Practically, such a fastidious use of table linen would exhaust most
+linen supplies, and overcrowd the laundry.  The neat use of a napkin
+renders this extreme nicety superfluous as a rule of home dining, Care
+should certainly be taken to remove all soiled table linen.  Nothing is
+more disgusting than a dirty napkin, but the snowy linen that comes
+spotless through one using may, with propriety, be retained in the ring
+to be used several times.  This, of course, refers to every-day dining
+at home.  On formal occasions no napkin rings appear on the table; the
+napkins are always fresh, and used for that time only.  At the close of
+the dinner they are left carelessly on the table; not rolled or folded
+in any orderly shape.
+
+Small fringed napkins of different colors are used with a dessert of
+fruits.  Fancy doylies of fine linen embroidered with silk are
+sometimes brought in with the finger-bowls; but these are not for
+utility, the dinner napkin doing service, while the embroidered "fancy"
+adds a dainty bit of effect to the table decoration.
+
+_China, Glassware, Cutlery, Silverware, etc._--Chinaware for the dinner
+service should be of good quality.  Fashions in china decoration are
+not fixed; the fancy of the hour is constantly changing, but a matched
+set is eminently proper for the dinner table, leaving the "harlequin"
+china for luncheons and teas.  In the latter style the aim is to have
+no two pieces alike in decoration, or at least, to permit an unlimited
+variety; a fashion that is very convenient when large quantities of
+dishes are liable to be needed.  But for a dinner served in orderly
+sequence, the orderly correspondence of a handsome "set" seems more in
+keeping.  But even with this, the harlequin idea may come in with the
+dessert; fruit plates, ice-cream sets, after-dinner coffees, etc., may
+display any number of fantasies in shape and coloring.
+
+Artistic glassware is a very handsome feature of table furnishing.
+Carafes and goblets for water are always needed at dinner; wine
+glasses, possibly; and the serving of fruits and bon-bons gives
+opportunity to display the most brilliant cut-glass, or its
+comparatively inexpensive substitutes, which are scarcely less pretty
+in effect.  Fine glass is infinitely more elegant than common
+plated-ware, and though more liable to breakage is less trouble to keep
+in order.
+
+The best dinner-knife is of steel, of good quality, with handle of
+ivory, ebony, or silver.  Silver-plated knives are much used; they do
+not discolor so readily as steel, and are easily kept polished.  They
+answer the purpose for luncheon, but they rarely have edge enough to be
+really serviceable at dinner or breakfast.
+
+Many people who own solid silverware store it away in bank vaults and
+use its _fac simile_ in quadruple plate, and thus escape the constant
+dread of a possible burglar.  For the sense of security that it gives,
+one may value the finest quality of plated ware, but it should be
+inconspicuous in style and not too profuse in quantity, since its
+utility, rather than its commercial value, should be suggested.  Any
+ostentation in the use of plated ware is vulgar.  But one may take a
+pride and satisfaction in the possession of solid silver.  Every
+ambitious housekeeper will devise ways of securing, little by little,
+if not all at once, a neat collection of solid spoons and forks.  The
+simplest table takes on dignity when graced with these "sterling"
+accompaniments.  The fancy for collecting "souvenir" spoons, one at a
+time, suggests a way to secure a valuable lot of spoons without feeling
+the burden of the expense.  Yet, on the other hand, these spoons are
+much more expensive than equally good plain silver, the extra price
+being paid for the "idea;" but the expenditure is worth while to those
+who value historical associations.  One may find in the silver-basket
+salient reminders of all important epochs in our national life, a sort
+of primer of United States history, to say nothing of the innumerable
+"souvenirs" of Europe.  Its subtle testimony to the intelligent taste
+of its owner gives the souvenir collection its chief "touch of
+elegance."
+
+The towering "castor," once the central glory of the dinner table, is
+out of style.  The condiments are left on the sideboard, and handed
+from there in case any dish requires them, the supposition being that,
+as a rule, the several dishes are properly seasoned before they are
+served.  Individual salt-cellars are placed on the table, and may be
+accompanied with salt spoons; if these are omitted, it is understood
+that the salt-cellar is emptied and refilled each time that it is used.
+On the family dinner-table the condiment line is not so severely drawn;
+vinegar in cut-glass cruets, mustard in Satsuma pots, and individual
+"peppers"--in silver, china, or glass, and of quaint designs--are
+convenient and allowable.
+
+A table covered with white damask, overlaid with sparkling china and
+cut-glass, and reflecting the white light of polished silver, is a
+pretty but lifeless sight.  Add one magic touch--the centre-piece of
+flowers--and the crystallized beauty wakes to organic life.
+
+In arranging the modern dinner-table, when the service is to be _à la
+Russe_, floral decorations are almost indispensable.  Without something
+attractive for the eye to rest upon, the desert stretch of linen looks
+like the white ghost of famine mocking the feast.
+
+The shape of the table, the available space, and the nature of the
+occasion decide the quantity and distribution of the flowers.  It is a
+matter in which wide latitude is given to individual taste and
+ingenuity, original designs and odd conceits being always in order,
+subject only to the law of appropriateness.
+
+For a square or extra wide table a large centre-piece, either round or
+oblong, is usually chosen, with endless varieties in its component
+arrangement.  It may be low and flat, like a floral mat, in the middle
+of the table, or it may be a lofty _epergne_, or an inter-lacing of
+delicate vine-wreathed arches, or a single basket of feathery
+maidenhair fern--in fact, anything that is pretty and which the
+inspiration of the moment may suggest.  In early autumn, in country
+homes or in suburban villas, nothing is more effective than masses of
+golden-rod and purple asters, gathered by the hostess or her guests
+during their afternoon drive, and all the more satisfactory because of
+the pleasure taken in their impromptu arrangement.  Wild flowers should
+be neatly trimmed and symmetrically grouped to avoid a ragged or weedy
+appearance.
+
+Fortunately, even quite elaborate floral decorations need not be
+expensive.  Nature has bestowed some of her choicest touches upon the
+lilies of the field, and an artistic eye discerns their possibilities.
+At the same time, art in floriculture has produced marvels, and those
+who can afford it may revel in mammoth roses and rare orchids, lilies
+of the valley in November, and red clovers in January, if it please
+them to pay the florist's bill for the same.
+
+For narrow "extension" tables, slender vases ranged at intervals may be
+the most convenient disposition of the flowers; or, if the ends of the
+table are not occupied, a broad, low basket may stand at each end, with
+a tall, slender vase in the middle of the table.
+
+On choice occasions a handsome centre-piece may be, for example, a
+large bowl of La France roses, with small bundles of the same (groups
+of three are pretty), tied with ribbon of the same hue, laid by each
+plate.  Any other single flower may be disposed similarly, or variety
+may rule, and no two floral "favors" be alike, in which case it is a
+delicate compliment to give to each guest a flower known to be a
+favorite, or one that seems especially appropriate--a lily to Lilian, a
+daisy to Marguerite, etc.  These little marks of thoughtfulness never
+fail to be appreciated, and add much to the grace of entertaining.
+
+An elaborate centre-piece may stand upon a rich velvet mat, or on a
+flat mirror provided for the purpose.  The latter is a clever idea for
+a centre-piece of pond-lilies or other aquatic plants, simulating a
+miniature lake, its edges fringed with moss or ferns.
+
+
+THE FORMAL ARRANGEMENT OF THE DINNER-TABLE
+
+The mat is first adjusted upon the table, and the table-cloth smoothly
+and evenly laid over it.  The cloth should fall about half-way to the
+floor all around.
+
+The floral accessories are then put in place; and also the fruits and
+bon-bons, which may be commingled with the flowers in working out a
+decorative design, or they may be placed, in ornamental dishes, at the
+four corners of a wide table, to balance the flowers in the centre; or,
+they may be arranged along the middle of a long table.  For fruit,
+silver-gilt baskets, or _epergnes_ of glass are especially pretty.  The
+fruit may later constitute a part of the dessert, or may be merely
+ornamental in its office.  Carafes containing iced water are placed
+here and there on the table, at convenient points.
+
+The next step is the laying of the covers; a cover signifying the place
+prepared for one person.  For a dinner in courses a cover consists of a
+small plate (on which to set the oyster plate), two large knives, three
+large forks (for the roast, the game, and _entrées_), one small knife
+and fork (for the fish), one tablespoon (for the soup), one
+oyster-fork.  The knives and forks are laid at the right and left of
+the plate, the oyster-fork and the spoon being conveniently to hand.  A
+glass goblet for water is set at the right, about eight inches from the
+edge of the table; if wine is to be served the requisite glasses are
+grouped about the water goblet.
+
+The napkin is folded square, with one fold turned back to inclose a
+thick piece of bread; or, the napkin may be folded into a triangle that
+will stand upright, holding the bread within its folds.  This is the
+only way in which bread is put on the dinner-table, though a plate of
+bread is on the sideboard to be handed to those who require a second
+piece.  It is entirely proper to ask for it, when desired.  Butter is
+not usually placed on the dinner-table, but is handed from the
+sideboard if the _menu_ includes dishes that require it; as, sweet
+corn, sweet potatoes, etc.  Small butter-plates are included in the
+"cover" in such cases.
+
+The oysters, which form the initial course, are usually on the table
+before the guests take their places.  A majolica plate, containing four
+or six of the bivalves with a bit of lemon in the midst, is placed at
+each cover; or, oyster cocktails may be served.  The soup tureen and
+plates are brought in to the side table.  All is now in readiness.
+
+
+THE ARRIVAL OF GUESTS--MEANWHILE
+
+While these preparations have been going on in the dining-room, the
+guests have been assembling in the drawing-room.  It is proper to
+arrive from five to fifteen minutes before the hour mentioned in the
+invitation, allowing time to pay respects to the host and hostess,
+without haste of manner, before the dinner is announced.
+
+A gentleman wears a dress suit at dinner.  A lady wears a handsome
+gown, "dinner dress" being "full dress;" differing, however, from the
+evening party or reception gown in the kind of fabrics used.  The most
+filmy gauzes are suitable for a ball costume; while dinner dress--for
+any but very young ladies--is usually of more substantial
+materials--rich silk or velvet softened in effect with choice lace, or
+made brilliant with jet trimmings.
+
+When the dinner party is strictly formal, and the company evenly
+matched in pairs, the following order is observed:
+
+Each gentleman finds in the hall, as he enters, a card bearing his name
+and the name of the lady whom he is to take out; also, a small
+_boutonnière_, which he pins on his coat.  If the lady is a stranger,
+he asks to be presented to her, and establishes an easy conversation
+before moving toward the dining-room.
+
+
+THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF DINNER
+
+When dinner is ready the fact is made known to the hostess by the
+butler, or maid-servant, who comes to the door and quietly says "Dinner
+is served."  A bell is never rung for dinner, nor for any other formal
+meal.
+
+The host leads the way, taking out the lady who is given the place of
+first consideration; the most distinguished woman, the greatest
+stranger, the most elderly--whatever the basis of distinction.  Other
+couples follow in the order assigned to them, each gentleman seating
+the lady on his right.  The hostess comes last, with the most
+distinguished male guest.  If there is a footman, or more than one, the
+chairs are deftly placed for each guest; but if only a maid is in
+waiting, each gentleman arranges his own and his partner's chairs as
+quietly as possible.
+
+As soon as the company are seated, each one removes the bread; and the
+napkin, partially unfolded, is laid across the lap.  It is not tucked
+in at the neck or the vest front, or otherwise disposed as a
+feeding-bib.  It is a towel, for wiping the lips and fingers in
+emergencies, but should be used unobtrusively--not flourished like a
+flag of truce.
+
+
+THE SERVING OF THE DINNER
+
+The servant is ready to hand from the side-board any condiments desired
+for the oysters, which are promptly disposed of.  It may be remarked at
+the outset, that everything at table is handed at the left, _except
+wine_, which is offered at the right.  Ladies are served first.
+
+After the oyster-plates are removed, the soup is served from the side
+table--a half ladleful to each plate being considered the correct
+quantity.  The rule regarding soup is double, you must, and you must
+not.  You must accept it (whether you eat it or merely pretend to), but
+you must not ask for a second helping, since to do so would prolong a
+course that is merely an "appetizer" preparatory to the substantials.
+
+The soup-plates are removed, and the fish immediately appears, served
+on plates with mashed potatoes or salad, or sometimes both, in which
+case a separate dish is provided for the salad.  The _entrées_ follow
+the fish, hot plates being provided, as required.  Dishes containing
+the _entrées_ should have a large spoon and fork laid upon them, and
+should be held low, so that the guest may help himself easily.
+
+Again the dishes are removed.  Here we may pause to remark that the
+prompt and orderly removal of the dishes after each successive course
+is a salient feature of skillful waiting.  The accomplished waiter
+never betrays haste or nervousness, but his every movement "tells," and
+that, too, without clatter, or the dropping of small articles, or the
+dripping of sauces.  The plates, etc., vanish from the table--whither,
+we observe not.  The waiter in the dining-room must have the
+co-operation of the servant behind the scenes, to receive and convey
+the relays of dishes to the kitchen.  However it is managed, and it
+_must be managed_, the nearer the operation can appear to be a "magic
+transformation," the better.
+
+To return; the roast is the next course.  The carving is done at the
+side table.  Guests are consulted as to their preference for "rare" or
+"well-done;" and the meat, in thin slices, is served on hot plates,
+with vegetables at discretion on the same plate, separate vegetable
+dishes--except for salads--not being used on private dinner tables.
+Certain vegetables, as sweet corn on the cob, may be regarded as a
+course by themselves, being too clumsy to be disposed of conveniently
+on a plate with other things.
+
+The game course is next in order (if it is included, as it generally is
+in an elaborate dinner).  Celery is an appropriate accompaniment of the
+game course.  The salad is sometimes served with the game; otherwise it
+follows as a course by itself.
+
+The salad marks the end of the heavy courses.  The crumb tray is
+brought, and the table-cloth is cleared of all stray fragments.  A
+rolled napkin makes a quiet brush for this purpose, especially on a
+finely polished damask cloth.
+
+The dessert is now in order.  Finger-bowls and doylies are brought in
+on the dessert-plates.  Each person at once removes the bowl and doyley
+to make ready for whatever is to be put on the plate.
+
+Ices, sweets (pastry and confections), cheese, follow in course; and,
+finally, the fruits and bon-bons.  Strong coffee is served last of all,
+in small cups.  Fashion decrees _café noir_, and few lovers of cream
+care to rebel on so formal an occasion as a dinner; but when the
+formality is not too rigid, the little cream jug may be smuggled in for
+those who prefer _café au lait_.
+
+Water is the staple drink of the American dinner-table.  A palatable
+table water, like Apollinaris, well iced, is an elegant substitute for
+wine when habit or conscience forbids the latter.
+
+When wine is served with the different courses at dinner, the
+appropriate use is as follows: with soup, sherry; with the fish,
+chablis, hock, or sauterne; with the roast, claret and champagne; after
+the game course, Madeira and port; with the dessert, sherry, claret, or
+Burgundy.  After dinner are served champagne and other sparkling wines,
+just off the ice, and served without decanting, a napkin being wrapped
+around the wet bottle.
+
+While wine may be accounted indispensable by many, the growing
+sentiment in favor of its total banishment from the dinner-table has
+this effect on the etiquette of the case, that the neglect to provide
+wine for even a very formal dinner is not now the breach of good form
+which it would have been held to be some years ago.  Such neglect has
+been sanctioned by the example of acknowledged social leaders; and when
+it is the exponent of a temperance principle it has the respect of
+every diner-out, whatever his private choice in the matter.  No
+_gentleman_ will grumble at the absence of wine at his host's table.
+It is good form for a host to serve or _not_ serve wine, as he chooses;
+it is very bad form for his guest to comment on his choice.  When any
+one who is conscientiously opposed to wine-drinking, or for any reason
+abstains, is present at a dinner where wine is served, he declines it
+by simply laying his hand on the rim of his glass as the butler
+approaches.  No words are necessary.  Apollinaris will take the place
+of stronger waters, and no embarrassment follows to either host or
+guest.  As to the moral involved, a silent example may be quite as
+influential as an aggressive exhibition of one's principles.  Questions
+of manners and morals are constantly elbowing one another, and it is a
+nice point to decide when and how far duty requires one to defy
+conventionality.  It is safe to say that only in extreme cases is this
+ever necessary, or even permissible.  The hostess who simply _does not
+offer wine to any guest under any circumstances_, is using her
+influence effectively and courteously, especially when she supplies the
+deficiency with delicious coffee and cocoa, fragrant tea, and, best and
+_rarest_ of all, crystal clear, sparkling cold water.  By pointing out
+a "more excellent way," she is adding to her faith _virtue_.
+
+
+MISCELLANEOUS POINTS
+
+Extra knives and forks are brought in with any course that requires
+them.  The preliminary lay-out is usually meant to provide all that the
+scheme of the dinner will call for; but one must have a goodly supply
+of silver and cutlery to avoid altogether the necessity for having some
+of it washed and returned to the table during the progress of the
+dinner.  It is very desirable to be amply equipped, as it facilitates
+the prompt and orderly serving of the courses.
+
+Fruit-knives are required, and ice-spoons, orange-spoons, and other
+unique conceits in silver utensils may be provided with the dessert, if
+one happens to own them; otherwise, plain forks and spoons do duty as
+required.  The fork bears the chief burden of responsibility, being
+used for everything solid or semi-solid, leaving the spoon to the
+limited realm of soft custards and fruits that are so juicy as to elude
+the tines of the fork.
+
+The knife is held in hand as little as possible, being used only when
+cutting is actually necessary, the fork easily separating most
+vegetables, etc.  In the fish course, however, the knife is used to
+assist in removing the troublesome small bones.
+
+In holding the knife the fingers should not touch the blade, except
+that the forefinger rests upon the upper edge not far below the shank
+when the cutting requires some firmness of pressure.  The dinner knife
+should be sharp enough to perform its office without too much muscular
+effort, or the possible accident of a duck's wing flying unexpectedly
+"from cover" under the ill-directed stress of a despairing carver's
+hand.  I have seen the component parts of a fricasseed chicken leave
+the table, not _untouched_--oh! no; every one had been _sawing_ at it
+for a half-hour--but uneaten it certainly was, for obvious reasons.
+The cutlery was pretty, but practically unequal to even spring chicken.
+
+The fork is held with the tines curving downward, that position giving
+greater security to the morsel, and is raised laterally, the points
+being turned, as it reaches the mouth, just enough to deposit the
+morsel between the slightly-parted lips.  During this easy movement the
+elbow scarcely moves from its position at the side, a fact gratefully
+appreciated by one's next neighbor.  What is more awkward than the arm
+projected, holding the fork pointing backward at a right angle to the
+lips, the mouth opening wide like an automatic railway gate to an
+approaching locomotive--the labored and ostentatious way in which food
+is sometimes transported to its destination?  Nor, once in the mouth,
+is it lost to sight forever.  Other people, seated opposite, are
+compelled to witness it in successive stages of the grinding process,
+as exhibited by the constant opening and shutting of the mouth during
+mastication, or laughing and talking with the mouth full--faults of
+heedless people of energetic but not refined manners.
+
+Liquids are sipped from the side of the spoon, without noise or
+suction.  In serving vegetables the tablespoon is inserted laterally,
+not "point first."
+
+Celery is held in the fingers, asparagus also, unless the stalks are
+too tender.  Green corn may be eaten from the cob, a good set of
+natural teeth being the prime requisite.  It may be a perfectly
+graceful performance if daintily managed.
+
+The management of fruits in the dessert is another test of dainty
+skill.  Oranges may be eaten in different ways.  Very juicy fruit may
+be cut in halves across the sections and scooped out with a spoon.  The
+drier "seedless" oranges are better peeled and separated.  With a fruit
+knife, remove the tough skin of each peg, leaving enough dry fiber to
+hold it by, in conveying it to the mouth.  Practice enables one easily
+to "make way with" an orange.  Bananas are cut in two, the skin
+removed; the fruit is held in the fingers, or--preferably--eaten with a
+fork.  Juicy pears and peaches may be managed in the same way, at
+discretion, the rule being that the fingers should touch as little as
+possible fruits that are decidedly mushy.
+
+The finger-bowl stands ready to repair all damages of the nature
+suggested.  The fingers are dipped in the water and gently rinsed, and
+then passed lightly over the lips, and both mouth and fingers are wiped
+upon the napkin.
+
+At a signal from the hostess, the ladies rise and return to the
+drawing-room.  The gentlemen follow immediately, or remain a short time
+for another glass of wine, when such is the provision of the host.
+
+
+DINNER-TABLE TALK
+
+The conversation at the dinner-table should be general, unless the
+company is large, and the table too long to admit of it.  But in any
+case, each one is responsible first of all for keeping up a pleasant
+chat with his or her partner, and not allowing that one to be neglected
+while attention is riveted on some aggressively brilliant talker at the
+other end of the table.  No matter how uninteresting one's partner may
+be, one must be thoughtful and entertaining; and such kind attention
+may win the life-long gratitude of a timid _débutante_, or the equally
+unsophisticated country cousin.
+
+Dinner-table talk should be affable.  The host and hostess must be
+alert to turn the conversation from channels that threaten to lead to
+antagonisms of opinion; and each guest should feel that it is more
+important just now to make other people happy than to gratify his
+impulse to "floor" them on the tariff question.  In short, at dinner,
+as under most social conditions, the watchword ever in mind should be,
+"Not to myself alone."
+
+
+INFORMAL DINNERS
+
+The informal dinner, daily served in thousands of refined American
+homes, is a much less pretentious affair than the name "dinner"
+technically implies.  In most cases the service is but partially _à la
+Russe_, most courses, and all the _entrées_, being set on the table,
+the serving and "helping" being done by some member of the family; the
+presence of a waitress being sometimes dispensed with except at
+transition points; as, when the table is cleared before the dessert.
+This formality is the most decided dinner feature of the meal, which
+throughout its progress has been conducted more like a luncheon.  Yet,
+in all essential points of mannerliness, the family dinner is governed
+by the same rules that control the formal banquet.
+
+It is perhaps needless to remark that the _diner à la Russe_ in its
+perfection cannot be carried out without a number of competent
+servants.  These may be hired when some special occasion warrants extra
+preparations for due formality.  But for customary "entertaining,"
+those who "live quietly," with possibly but one domestic to assist with
+the dinner, will show good sense in not attempting anything more
+imposing than they are able to compass successfully.  The "family
+dinner" has a dignity of its own when in keeping with all the
+conditions; and though its _menu_ may be simple, its service
+unpretentious, it may be the gracious exponent of a hospitality "fit
+for a king."
+
+At the informal dinner it is customary to seat the guests in the order
+in which they enter the dining-room, without assigning any place of
+distinction; all the places at table being held of equal honor--comfort
+and convenience being the things chiefly considered.
+
+
+
+
+LUNCHEONS
+
+The most elastic word in the whole vocabulary of entertaining is the
+term _luncheon_.  It is applied to a mid-day meal occurring any time
+between 11 A. M. and 3 P. M., and may mean anything, from a brilliant
+_à la Russe_ banquet, to the hastily gathered together fragments left
+from yesterday's dinner.
+
+It may describe an hour of absolute leisure, and the most delightful
+conversational interchange, or it may signify the five minutes' grab
+from the side-board between the games of a closely-contested amateur
+tennis tournament.
+
+In general, we may say that the most formal of luncheons, resembling
+the dinner in the main features of its serving, has these points of
+distinction; the number of guests is irregular, usually uncertain, they
+go to the table singly; they come dressed in any way that the hour of
+the day, or their recent occupations warrant--men dropping in dressed
+for business or sporting, and ladies in promenade costumes, with
+bonnets or hats; the hour is not rigidly fixed,--luncheon, being
+largely of cold dishes, is not spoiled by a half-hour's tardiness--a
+late comer is greeted as cordially as the first arrival; and "the more
+the merrier" seems to be the motto of the hostess who keeps "open
+house" at luncheon time.
+
+The formal luncheons for which engraved invitations are issued, are
+usually "ladies' luncheons;" and the formality of the serving is
+equalled by the elegance of the toilets.  Men have little leisure for
+day-time entertainments, except during the brief outing at some summer
+resort, where the easy-going lunch is the ruling fashion.
+
+The _menu_ of the cold luncheon may present great variety, and provide
+for many guests with little trouble.  For a smaller, or more definite,
+number a hot luncheon may be prepared--a tender steak with mashed
+potatoes and asparagus, or something equally simple--and a dessert of
+cakes, ice-cream, and fruits; in all respects a little "informal
+dinner."
+
+The large buffet luncheon, like the four o'clock tea, gives opportunity
+for displaying all the pretty china that one owns.  Flowers and fruits
+may decorate the table or tables, and the most artistic effects may be
+secured by a little attention to blending and grouping.  A hostess _who
+knows how_ can make her rooms look like a festal bower for these
+occasions without much money outlay; and if she also is clever in the
+compounding of made dishes and salads, she can give luncheons that are
+remembered as the epitome of good style, albeit the bills for the same
+were surprisingly small.  Such a gifted woman enjoys a sense of
+exultation that is unknown to her richer sister, who merely fills out a
+cheque for the cost and leaves all else to the caterer, as one must,
+when the luncheon is given at a club or tea room.
+
+In general, the buffet luncheon is much the same on all occasions, when
+entertaining large companies at home.  The difference is not so much in
+the way of serving, as in the kind of refreshments proffered.  The tea
+may be a light affair, if you will; merely a bit and a sip for good
+fellowship.  But the luncheon is one of the solid meals of the day,
+requiring something substantial.  Such sustaining things as chicken
+salad, appetizing sandwiches, bouillon (hot or jellied), cold sliced
+ham, with relishes, as celery, olives, seasonable fruits, etc., satisfy
+the normal hunger at noontime; and delicious cakes and ices with coffee
+make a festal finale.  Almost any attractive luncheon dish may be
+included, preferably things that are not hurt by standing; as the
+luncheon service for a large party fills an hour or two.  For this
+reason, coffee is the most manageable beverage to serve.
+
+The refreshments are arranged on the dining-table.  A fine table-cloth
+may be used; or handsome doylies if the table itself is of handsome
+finish.  The salad bowl is set on one side, the platters of sandwiches,
+etc., on the other; with the coffee urn at one end, the ices at the
+other, if there is room; otherwise, the cake and ices are served from a
+side table.  Another side table is desirable, to hold the stacks of
+dishes and napkins.
+
+As the hostess must give her entire attention to receiving her guests,
+she intrusts the oversight of the dining-room to several matrons, who
+are aided by a bevy of the younger girls (the young men also, at an
+evening party).  At the proper time these young people pass the napkins
+and plates (usually with the salad already served) to the guests
+scattered around the rooms.  Other things are promptly brought, the
+coffee being served immediately after, by another set of helpers.
+Since all cannot be seated, small tables placed here and there in the
+suite of rooms will give the standing ones a chance to set a coffee cup
+down now and then.  Candy in tiny reception sticks may be passed with
+the cake; or bonbon dishes may be set in unexpected places about the
+rooms, where any one who discovers them may nibble at will.
+
+The family waitress, with extra help if needed, should be in attendance
+near the dining-room exit, to receive the used dishes and remove them
+at once from the scene.  This is a nice point; for a congestion of
+dishes in the dining-room spoils the effect of an otherwise
+well-managed service.  The maid will also keep the stack of plates,
+etc., replenished; and she will carry back and forth from the pantry
+the salad bowl and platters for replenishing.
+
+Cutlery is limited to a fork for the salad, a spoon for the coffee, and
+a fork or spoon for the ice cream.  The ices may be in fancy individual
+shapes, if one chooses to take that much trouble; but the brick,
+brought in ready sliced for serving, is always suitable, and easier to
+manage.
+
+Much of this is so generally understood that further details seem
+superfluous.  The least experienced hostess need not be overanxious
+about small points, if the general order is observed; for luncheon
+guests are a genial crowd, and nobody notices little mishaps.  I am
+assuming that your guests are all very nice people, in sympathy with
+you, and aiding you to the extent of their ability to make things
+pleasant.  Those who have this sincere disposition need no instruction
+in behavior.  Each one's conduct will be guided by her own instinctive
+sense of propriety.  One who is habitually polite is not likely to make
+any blunders at a luncheon, since there are no rigid conventionalities
+to be infringed.
+
+If the luncheon hour is much past noon, the guests should be careful
+not to remain too long after, as they might thus be detaining the
+hostess from later afternoon engagements.
+
+
+
+
+SUPPERS
+
+A supper is a late evening meal, and may be an entertainment by itself,
+or be served in connection with some social event.  A supper is
+understood to consist prevailingly of hot dishes, which distinguishes
+the supper from the collation--which might be served on similar
+occasions--and which is mainly of cold dishes.  The distinction is not
+absolute, however.
+
+A formal supper, or banquet, is served _à la Russe_, and resembles the
+dinner in its general conduct; but instead of the heavy roast and
+vegetables, the game is the conspicuous course, and various
+preparations of oysters, lobster, terrapin, etc., crowd the _menu_
+card, with salads of all kinds.  Nine o'clock is a fashionable hour for
+the sit-down supper.  The supper served at a dance or a reception is
+timed to suit the leading features of the evening.  The _menu_ for
+these "crush" suppers covers the ground of the hot supper and the cold
+collation combined, and there are few things within the range of dainty
+cookery that are not permissible.
+
+The most "social" and enjoyable suppers--with the doctor's
+permission--are those that are served an home after the hostess and her
+guests have returned from the theatre or opera, lecture or concert.
+Tiny biscuit, sandwiches, fried oysters, chicken salad, and golden
+coffee, with ice-cream and some superior cake, served like a luncheon,
+make a supper easily arranged, and one which winds up a pleasant
+evening in a very satisfactory way.
+
+
+
+
+BREAKFASTS
+
+A formal breakfast has little distinctive character.  It differs very
+slightly from an early luncheon, except that the viands are more
+distinctly breakfast dishes; as, toast, hot muffins, omelettes and other
+preparations of eggs, delicate farinaceous foods, _café au lait_, etc.
+If it is the veritable breaking of the fast the guests must be very late
+risers indeed, as 11 o'clock, or even 12, noon, is a fashionable hour for
+this so-called breakfast, which is a phase of social entertaining
+reserved for the "leisure class," or only at odd intervals possible to
+people of active pursuits.  The morning hours are precious to the hurried
+man of business, and the care-environed housekeeper; and "promptness and
+dispatch" is the motto of the breakfast table in most houses.
+
+The _real_ breakfast of everyday life is the meal where we least expect
+to meet guests--unless it be some one who is staying at the house.  It is
+a rare thing for a friend to "drop in" to breakfast, and to invite him to
+do so is perhaps the rarest expression of hospitality, and will probably
+remain so, while we remain a nation of brain and hand workers.
+
+During the summer vacation, when we pause for a breathing spell, no more
+charming hospitality can be offered than a dainty breakfast, especially
+in the country.  It may be the preliminary to an all-day house party, or
+a picnic excursion; or the breakfast may be the goal of an early morning
+drive by carriage or motor, and the hour may be early or late, just as
+you please; for is not vacation a period of emancipation from the tyranny
+of the clock?  But let not the hour be too early, for tired people are
+heavy sleepers; yet not too late either, lest the heat of the sun may
+have become too suggestive of the approaching noon-tide; late enough for
+weary eyelids to unclose willingly, early enough for the fresh dewy odor
+still to cling to the vines on the porch.
+
+The conventional breakfast in town is given very seldom as compared with
+dinners and luncheons.  It is peculiarly a holiday hospitality, reserved
+until the men are at leisure; for breakfast without the man of the house
+would be Hamlet with the prince left out.
+
+There is another significant distinction: the guests are chosen from the
+inner circle.  When, on Christmas morning, Mr. and Mrs. A.  entertain Mr.
+and Mrs. B. and Mr. and Mrs. C. at breakfast, we infer at once their
+intimate friendship and congenial companionship.  One may lunch
+impersonally with comparative strangers; one may dine formally touching
+elbows with one's dearest foe but one does not of choice breakfast with
+any one but a friend, or a friend of a friend--graciously accepted on
+trust.  Breakfast is the most intimate breaking of bread; not even the
+festive elaboration can make the friendly breakfast seem like anything
+but "playing at" formality.  The service is essentially the same as it
+usually is in that household, except that the children are not at the
+table.  The more homelike it is, the better; for home atmosphere is
+revealed as at no other meal, and on no other occasion can a visitor be
+made to feel so entirely "one of the family."
+
+The guests remain but a short time after a breakfast, chatting in a
+leisurely way, but leaving rather promptly.
+
+
+The problem of the family breakfast is complicated by the modern stress
+of business life.  In suburban towns the typical "commuter" must flee
+away with little ceremony; for the 7:08 will not wait, and the 7:10 is a
+way train.  In most families breakfast is on the European plan, so to
+speak.  For this very reason, perhaps, the occasional holiday breakfast
+is the more attractive.  With no train to "catch," no boat to "make," no
+office hours to "keep," no demon of driving work to lash one to the
+treadmill, how delightful to be able to breakfast with the serenity of
+the genial "Autocrat" himself; and how very odd it seems to find oneself
+sociably disposed at this unwonted hour!  May it not convey the gentle
+admonition that we might be more social every day, if we only thought so?
+
+Psychologically, the breakfast is peculiar.  It is the first commingling
+of the day; and whether it be the late holiday feast, or the usual family
+gathering, it sets the pace for the twenty-four hours.  A cheerful start
+in the morning may give an optimistic momentum for all-day hill-climbing;
+or, one may slip dejectedly down hill if leaden-weighted with a "morning
+grouch" (one's own, or somebody else's).  Even fellow "boarders" might
+reflect on this, with profit.  Preoccupied with our own affairs, we
+forget to be mutually considerate.  We habitually wake to rush and worry,
+taking social recreation chiefly at the close of day, when too weary to
+appreciate it.  Might it not sometimes be well to get ourselves into a
+good humor the first thing in the morning, and then work afterward?  Few
+people are of such a happy, self-contained disposition that they do not
+need the sustaining influence of other cheerful spirits.  Most of us
+would have more of sunshine in our hearts if the first business of the
+morning had been to put ourselves in harmony with our fellow-creatures
+socially.  And if we cannot do this every day, nor even often, according
+to our ideal, we at least doubly appreciate the rare occasions when it
+has been possible, and we feel impulsively grateful to the hostess whose
+thoughtful kindness has made our holiday so bright at its dawning.  Other
+ways of entertaining may be more imposing; none are more delightful.  Bid
+whom you will to dine with you, but ask me to _breakfast_.
+
+
+
+
+EVENING PARTIES
+
+This general term includes a variety of social entertainments, and
+suggests all degrees of formality, from the stately reception to the
+"surprise party."  With a range so varied, classification is not
+readily made.  Some features are always present: a host and hostess
+always receive; a guest always first pays his respects to his
+entertainers, and then mingles agreeably with the throng.  He makes
+himself useful in any way that tact and courtesy suggest.  Supper is
+served, usually the buffet collation.  It is more formal, and less
+confusing, if the guests go to the dining-room--convenient numbers at a
+time--instead of being served in the parlors, as at a luncheon.  On
+formal occasions professional readers and musicians are often engaged
+as entertainers.  Sometimes the amusement is furnished by clever
+amateurs among the guests, who may read, sing, or whistle, or what not.
+In a circle where all are well acquainted, some of the pleasantest
+evening parties are those to the success of which each one contributes
+his mite, cheerfully singing in the chorus when nature has denied him a
+solo voice, and not allowing any dark jealousy of superior gifts to
+deprive the harmony of his one little note.
+
+Invitations to these informal parties are cordial and personal in tone.
+If the guest is expected to make preparation, in costume or to fill
+some part on the programme, that fact is briefly stated.  For practical
+suggestions, consult "Parlor Games," adding any novel features that you
+can devise.  A hostess with original ideas for entertainments is always
+successful and popular.  Elderly people as well as the young enjoy
+these parties; and they are a safe resource for mixed companies, when a
+form of entertainment must be chosen that will please all and offend
+none.
+
+Children's parties, usually afternoon affairs, are often merely
+childish "good times"; but again, they are conducted in close imitation
+of an evening party for adults, and thus made a means of education in
+the social ceremonial.  When sensibly managed, the children's party
+affords a fine opportunity for training the little people in polite
+manners.
+
+When the children are almost grown up, but not "out," pleasant little
+parties for "the younger set" are given by the mothers, to accustom the
+"buds" to conventionalities, and prepare the débutantes and their young
+brothers to take their place gracefully in the larger social world.
+These younger-set parties are like a grown-up party, except that they
+are conspicuously chaperoned, and all responsibility is assumed by the
+mothers and godmothers.
+
+The two extreme phases of the evening party are the conventional ball,
+and the rural "sociable."
+
+The special requirements for a ball are good music, and large
+well-ventilated rooms, from which all superfluous furniture has been
+removed.  For music, an orchestra of four or six pieces may be
+sufficient.  For space, we must make the best of what we have, if the
+ball is given at home.  This is practicable only where the rooms are
+reasonably spacious.  Nowadays, a ball in a private house is rare, for
+hotels, clubs, and first class caterers furnish charming ballrooms for
+rental to exclusive patrons.
+
+But whether in her own house or in a hired ballroom, the hostess is for
+the time "at home"; and the general conduct of the ball is the same in
+both cases.  Decorations, floral and otherwise, are important; and a
+supper, served either during the progress, or at the close of the
+dance--or both--is an indispensable feature.
+
+The guests arrive at the hour designated, not earlier than nine
+o'clock.  The hostess is stationed at some point near the entrance of
+the drawing-room, where she remains during the evening to receive the
+guests, who must pay their respects to her, first of all.  A gentleman
+will also lose no time in finding his host, and paying him the courtesy
+of a deferential greeting.
+
+As the hostess cannot delegate her special duty of receiving, she has
+usually several aids, young matrons, who keep a watchful eye upon the
+dancing throng, and see to it that partners are not lacking for those
+who might otherwise be overlooked; and in any way that the emergency
+may suggest, or tact devise, they radiate the hospitality from its
+centre--the hostess.
+
+A gentleman in American society does not ask a lady to dance until he
+has been introduced to her.  He may seek an introduction for this
+purpose, or the hostess may request him to be introduced.  In either
+case, the lady and the gentleman both cheerfully acquiesce.  A lady
+usually accepts the invitation to dance, unless the dance is already
+engaged.  She should be careful to inspect her tablets; and not promise
+the same dance to two different partners, an awkward accident that
+sometimes happens to a heedless belle.  After a dance, a gentleman
+promenades with his partner, chats with her for awhile, and, finally,
+with a graceful bow, leaves her once more in the care of her chaperone.
+
+If a man has made an engagement to take a particular lady out to
+supper, he must not forget himself and linger talking to another lady
+until supper is fairly announced, since etiquette then requires him to
+take out the lady with whom he is at the moment talking.  He should
+seek the one he has chosen, some moments before, and leave the other
+lady free to receive other invitations to supper.
+
+Any gentleman who observes a lady who is not being served with
+refreshments, should courteously offer to bring her something.  If he
+is a total stranger he will attempt no conversation beyond the
+civilities of the case; but these he will cordially though
+unobtrusively offer.  The young man who does these little things with
+the gentle grace of a knight errant, may not know that he is simply
+charming, from a woman's standpoint; but the fact remains.
+
+A ball, proper, is a strictly formal affair.  A dancing party, while
+observing similar regulations on the dancing floor, may be, in the
+social intervals between dances, as informal as a village "sociable."
+That is to say, as informal as the sociable ever _ought_ to be;
+possibly not as informal as the sociable sometimes _is_.  People who
+have "grown up" together, as villagers often have, are apt to consider
+a life-long acquaintance the proper basis for unlimited off-hand
+familiarity.  To a certain extent, and in a certain sense, such
+acquaintance, being second in intimacy only to near relationship, does
+warrant a cordial and trustful informality.  The cautious reserve that
+marks one's conduct toward a recent acquaintance might justly be
+resented by a tried and trusted friend of one's youth.  But even
+relationship does not warrant undignified behavior, or rude liberties
+of speech or action.  The boy and girl who went to school together grow
+up to be the young man and woman of society; and while the memory of
+school days is a bond of hearty friendliness between them, it is not
+necessary that they should evince their mutual regard by a
+free-and-easy demeanor.
+
+Country sociables, attended largely by the younger members of families
+long acquainted and associated, are apt to be rather rollicking, not to
+say "rough and tumble," affairs, where practical jokes and unmerciful
+"guying" are the characteristic wit, and such smart tricks as bumping
+an unsuspecting comrade's head against the wall are applauded with
+shrieks of admiring laughter.  The onlookers may be excused for their
+tacit countenance of the rudeness, since some element of drollery--that
+might have been wit, under better conditions--compels a smile, in spite
+of a dignified disapproval of the performance.  A young student, unused
+to such scenes, standing a little apart from such a group once remarked
+judicially to a lady near him, "I do not care for such _dare-devil
+sociability_."  Nor would other young people cherish it as their ideal
+of a "good time" if they could learn how much more charming altogether
+it is to exchange the delicate courtesies that make up refined social
+companionship.  The difference in social culture is what distinguishes
+the vulgar wag from the urban wit.  The crude humor of the former,
+often marred by coarseness, is like ore in which the dross greatly
+out-weighs the pure metal.  The brilliant _mots_ of the latter, refined
+by the processes of culture, are like the gold nuggets separated from
+their base surroundings.
+
+How to eliminate the "dare-devil" from the sociability of country life,
+without substituting an artificial stiffness, is the problem for every
+thoughtful and refined man and woman in rural circles.  How to "be
+kindly affectioned one to another, in brotherly love, in honor
+preferring one another"--perhaps that would furnish the keynote of it
+all, alike for the citizen and the rustic.
+
+
+
+
+THE TWENTIETH CENTURY
+
+The preceding chapters describe established customs in home
+entertaining.  Such rules remain in force for the home conditions.
+
+But who can live in this electric-motor age without noting the gradual
+variation in "the ways of doing things"--changes that are directly
+traceable to the influence of modern inventions?  The trolley lines
+have brought large areas within the city limits; the swift automobile
+has reduced miles to furlongs.  Town and country are intermingled as
+never before, and each is sensibly modified by the other.  By its very
+name, the "Town and Country" club recognizes this new community of
+interests.  Its members, living even twenty miles away, outdo
+Sheridan's ride, in arriving at the club on time for luncheon, golf, or
+dinner.
+
+Which brings to mind this fact: that to-day a large part of formal
+entertaining in cities is no longer _at home_.  Elaborate dinners,
+teas, and luncheons are given at one's club, or at _cafés_, exclusive
+"tea rooms," and in the elegantly appointed private dining-rooms now
+provided by the best hotels.  After-theatre suppers are almost
+invariably taken at a fashionable restaurant--doubtless greatly to the
+relief of both the hostess and her housemaids.  While cooperative
+housekeeping is still an undeveloped scheme, things seem to be trending
+that way.
+
+The multiplication of huge apartment houses (and diminutive apartments)
+is the other prime factor in the case.  While the hotel dinner may have
+come into fashion first as the dire necessity of the "cliff dwellers,"
+its convenience appeals to many householders who formerly would not
+have dreamed of offering their guests the hospitality of a _café_.
+Many conservative people still deplore the innovation; but fashion
+approves, and the custom grows.
+
+Entertaining at one's club is governed by the rules of that particular
+club.  When entertaining at tea rooms, or _cafés_, one has simply to
+arrange with the superintendent or the head waiter, for tables or
+private dining-room, for the date chosen; to choose the _menu_, and
+order the decorations.  This done, the entertainers and their friends
+have but to appear at the stated hour and play their respective rôles
+with care-free grace.  These dinners may be given by a bachelor, to a
+mixed company, or to a bevy of the débutantes, with the co-operation of
+a society matron or a married couple to chaperone the affair.  This is
+a very pleasant way for a bachelor to make return for the social
+attentions showered on himself.
+
+This way of entertaining may be lavishly expensive, but it is not
+necessarily so; all things considered, it may not greatly exceed the
+cost of similar entertaining at home.  In this land of the free, any
+one who will may give a tea room luncheon.  But the semi-publicity of
+these functions invites criticism; and people of moderate income
+discreetly forbear attempting anything too ambitious for their obvious
+means.  Elegant simplicity is always good form.
+
+
+The universal use of the telephone is another factor in the
+modification of social customs.  Among familiar friends, the little
+chat over the 'phone largely takes the place of the informal call.
+Also, invitations to any but strictly formal functions are now sent by
+telephone, if agreeable to both parties; though it is still considered
+better to adhere to the more respectful written form if there is any
+doubt about the new way being acceptable to the party of the second
+part.  While I counsel conservatism in these changes, I am convinced
+that the new dynasty of wire and wireless is destined to dominate us;
+and as discovery continues and inventions multiply, the time is near
+when _immediate communication_ will be had at long range; possibly
+telepathy--who knows?  Or, possibly tele-photography with it--why not?
+Then, the slow, laborious writing of messages will be as much out of
+date as the super-annuated stage-coach.
+
+But--not yet; we are still in the process of evolution.  It is still
+safe to heed Pope's famous advice:
+
+  "Be not the first by whom the new is tried,
+  Nor yet the last to lay the old aside."
+
+
+
+
+"THE STRANGER THAT IS WITHIN THY GATES"
+
+It is the duty of the host or hostess to give a polite and cheerful
+welcome to the guest whom they have invited to cross their threshold.
+During the time that she remains under their roof they have the
+responsibility of making her comfortable, and as happy as possible.  To
+do this, attention to details is of the greatest consequence.  It is
+possible to give dinners, and _musicales_, and receptions for a guest,
+and to introduce her to a choice circle of friends; to plan drives and
+excursions for sight-seeing to points of interest; to bring out the
+best preserves from the store-room, and put on the table all the
+delicacies of the season; and yet something may be lacking.  A subtle
+expression of discomfort may at times cloud the face of the guest, and
+greatly disturb the anxious hostess, who redoubles her efforts to think
+of something else in the way of entertainment and diversion.  If this
+well-meaning hostess will accompany me to the guest-room while its
+temporary occupant is reading on the "front porch," perhaps I can point
+out to her some things that will give a clue to the mystery.
+
+The guest-room is large and airy, and "well-furnished," as the phrase
+goes, with a soft carpet prevailingly blue, and a prettily carved oaken
+"set."  The bed is covered with a lace counterpane over a blue silk
+quilt, and downy pillows invite to slumber.  Curtains of blue silk and
+white lace are draped at the windows; cushions, tidies, sachets,
+gim-cracks of every description load the bureau, and lie around in
+profusion; a pretty rug of fluffy fur is spread before a comfortable
+couch, and a rocking-chair and foot-stool are in the cozy window
+recess.  A small table with a vase of flowers upon it occupies one
+space against the wall.  The wash-stand bears the regulation "toilet
+set," bowl and pitcher, soap-dish, etc., with the china jar set in the
+corner.  Plenty of damask towels hang on the rack, and the "splasher"
+is a marvel of needlework.  Well, is not this a pretty comfortable room?
+
+It seems ungracious to answer nay; but truth compels me to say that it
+proves to be a most _un_comfortable room, as managed.  Since the guest
+arrived, this three-quart pitcher has been filled each morning with
+cold water.  Beyond this, no offer of the aqueous element in any form
+has been made.  The guest, accustomed at home to an abundance of hot
+water, and the luxury of a bath daily--or oftener, at will--has been
+suffering the greatest privation rather than trouble her hostess with a
+request for something which is so evidently not thought of in this
+house.  With soap that "chaps," and a stiff nail-brush she has
+painfully scrubbed her cold knuckles to remove the grime which several
+days of imperfect ablution has rendered almost immovable--except as the
+skin comes with it.  And as to her customary bath, she has substituted
+so much of hasty sponging as chattering teeth will allow, finishing off
+with a dry polish when prudence forbids further risk of a chill; and
+she has completed her toilet with a sense of self-disgust, and a
+dissatisfaction with her surroundings which makes her long for the day
+set for the termination if this visit, which might have been so
+pleasant, if she had been made physically comfortable.  When she goes
+home she will answer, to the kind inquiries of her mother: "Oh! yes; I
+had a lovely time!--or that is, I should have had, if only I could have
+had a _bath_!"
+
+Whether it is that some people do not care for bathing, and therefore
+do not realize its necessity to the comfort of other people; or whether
+they have an idea that a "guest" is a being who, while in that _rôle_,
+needs none of the ordinary comforts of every-day life; or, whatever the
+reason may be, this failure to provide bath facilities is one of the
+most common and flagrant neglects of hospitality.
+
+When the guest-room has no private bath attached, and it is
+impracticable to offer the use of the family bath-room, a small tub of
+zinc or granite ware should be included in the furnishing of the
+guest-room, together with a square of thin oil-cloth to spread on the
+carpet.  The guest should be informed that hot water is always in
+readiness to be brought to her room whenever she requires it.  In
+country houses having no "modern conveniences," every kitchen stove may
+have an ample boiler always filled with clean water, so that at all
+times hot water may be available for bathing purposes.  It is
+unpardonable to live without at least this much provision for an
+essential condition of civilized life--"the cleanliness that is next to
+godliness."
+
+In addition to the water supply, the guest-room should contain other
+requisites for a comfortable toilet.  Presumably, every guest who comes
+for a several-days' stay brings with her the small articles she will
+need; but oversights are frequent in hurried packing, and the resources
+of the guest-room should be equal to any such emergency, even though
+only a part of the provision is required in any one case.  A neat,
+close cabinet, with a closet beneath and shelves above, is a desirable
+piece of furniture.  In the closet the bath-tub can be stored, and
+bath-brushes, "loofahs," and sponges can be hung up while the shelves
+may hold a supply of toilet sundries; for example, a flask of bay rum,
+and one of violet-water; a bottle of spirits of ammonia, a bottle of
+alcohol, a spirit lamp and curling tongs, tooth-powder, rosewater, and
+glycerine; a jar of fine cold-cream, hair-brush and combs, a
+clothes-brush, a whisk broom, a reserve supply of soap--"Ivory" (if the
+water is hard, this soap is superior for the bath) and fine castile,
+and a delicately-scented soap of first quality.  The cheap "scented"
+abominations should not be inflicted on a guest.
+
+The dressing-table should have a supply of pins in variety, including
+hairpins; a work-box, containing needles and thread, a thimble,
+scissors, tape, shoe-buttons, etc.  A bottle of cologne and also of
+some first-class "triple extract" should stand on the bureau.
+
+With all this provided, one is not likely to lack any comfort for the
+toilet; yet, with it all, the hostess should make her guest understand
+that the motto is: "If you don't see what you want, ask for it."  This
+freedom will not be taken by a sensitive guest unless it is clearly
+invited.  The self-complacent way in which a hostess sometimes ushers a
+guest into the "best room," and then leaves her to the mercy of what
+she can find--or, rather, _cannot_ find--forestalls all requests for
+additional supplies.  In the midst of all the satin and lace flummery,
+it is pathetic to suffer in silence for the lack of a little beggarly
+hot water.  And yet, such is the experience of many an "honored guest."
+
+Beside the toilet comforts, there are other things that may well be
+added to the equipment of the guest-room.  One, in particular, is a
+well-appointed little writing-desk, containing all the requisites for
+letter-writing, including stamps.  Perhaps the guest has brought these
+things with her, more likely she has forgotten them, and it may be a
+matter of great convenience to her to find this little desk awaiting
+her.  If there is a shelf above, a selection of standard and
+entertaining books may be placed thereon.  The Bible, a book of Common
+Prayer, a hymnal, may be included; a copy of Shakespeare, a dictionary,
+some clever and interesting book, like _Curious Questions_, and a
+volume or two of sketches and essays, ranging in style from Emerson to
+Jerome K. Jerome, may agreeably fill the mid-day hour of rest which the
+guest takes in her room before dressing for the afternoon.  The only
+trouble is that the guest who is made so thoroughly comfortable may
+forget to go home.  At all events, she will no doubt hail with delight
+a second invitation to come.
+
+It may be objected that to keep the guest-room supplied to this extent
+would involve a considerable expense; but that would depend on the
+character of the guest.  No well-bred woman would depend on these
+"supplies" for the entire period of a long visit.  They are there to
+meet the emergency of a belated trunk, of something forgotten or
+overlooked, or the delays in making necessary purchases after her
+arrival.  She will gratefully accept the cologne until her own flask is
+unpacked, but she leaves the guest-room supply but little diminished
+when she departs.
+
+The hostess who has been embittered by seeing only a train of empty
+bottles in the wake of a departing guest may naturally feel discouraged
+about offering unlimited hospitality in the matter of druggists'
+sundries.  But it is merely that she has been unfortunate in her
+guests.  She should revise her visiting list.  In entertaining the
+right sort of people, she will have no such experience.  She will be
+fully rewarded for every care she bestows to make her house a home-like
+resort, and she will find that the cost amounts to very little compared
+with the large return it brings in the way of social appreciation, to
+say nothing of the satisfaction afforded to her own benevolent
+impulses.  "It is more blessed to give than to receive," as the ideal
+hostess can testify.
+
+
+
+
+"MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME"
+
+The responsibilities of a visit are not all on the shoulders of a
+hostess.  The guest has also a duty in the matter.
+
+The phrase of welcome quoted above is variously interpreted, if we may
+judge by the various ways in which the injunction is obeyed.  To some
+people, "make yourself at home" is a free permit to take possession of
+everything on the premises; to cut the choicest roses in the garden, to
+call for the carriage at capricious will, to consult no one's comfort
+but their own, and to impose upon the polite forbearance of every one
+else, regardless--in short, to behave as no one can behave at home for
+any length of time without disrupting that home.
+
+To _make one's self_ at home is to _adapt one's self_ to one's
+environment.  If things are different from what we are accustomed to,
+we must try to accustom ourselves to _them_, and the mannerly guest
+will strive to do this, not as a cross, but as a pleasure.  She will
+meet cordially the friends of her hostess who are introduced to her,
+however little they attract her; she will cheerfully accompany the
+family to their church, even though it be of a different faith from her
+own; and she will listen respectfully to the sermon, and refrain from
+ungracious criticism of the choir or the minister.  She will take an
+interest in any local happenings that are of vital interest to her
+entertainers; she will show lively appreciation of everything done for
+her entertainment, even though it may be but a commonplace and dull
+affair, in her private judgment.  She will measure her grateful duty to
+them, not so much by the degree of pleasure which they actually give
+her, as by the amount of effort which they obviously make.  It is very
+ungracious for a guest of wide social experience to be apathetic when
+some unsophisticated little hostess offers what to her seems a novel
+treat, but which to her worldly-wise guest is a threadbare device.  No
+matter if the device is threadbare; the spirit of kindness which
+prompts the effort is immortal; and though we have seen "rainbow teas"
+until we are weary of them, we will enter cheerfully into the spirit of
+this one, because our little hostess in the innocence of her heart has
+worked so hard to make it ready in our honor.
+
+The guest should avoid giving extra trouble to the hostess, or to the
+servants.  She may offer assistance when circumstances warrant her
+doing so, but must refrain from meddling with household matters when
+her help is evidently not desired.  She should entertain herself easily
+when the hostess is otherwise busy, yet never seem to have any
+absorbing occupation that would prevent her from being ready at once to
+join the family in any project.  If there are children in the house,
+she should be cordial and affectionate with them, without gushing
+insincerity or indiscreet petting, and she should not betray any
+annoyance if they are noisy and occasionally troublesome--as the best
+of children will be at times.  She should aim to feel and act as though
+the interests and pleasures of the family were her own, and not make
+remarks that are tacit comparisons to their disadvantage.  If there are
+glaring faults in the domestic management, it is not her province to
+correct them, except so far as a quiet example may be subtly
+influential, as it will be, if at heart she makes herself a part of the
+circle of sympathy.  After her return to her own home, she should write
+a letter to her hostess, expressing the pleasure which the memory of
+her visit gives her, and gracefully thanking her friend for all that
+made the sojourn so restful and happy.
+
+There is something singularly inspiring in the idea of "making one's
+self at home," in the sense of finding the _value_ in every environment
+which fate, or chance, or Providence may place us in.  And when, as
+welcome guests, we listen to this hearty greeting, we resolve that in
+all ways consistent with our duty to our entertainers, and with all
+grateful appreciation of their kindness to us, we will "make ourselves
+at home."
+
+
+
+
+"AS THE TWIG IS BENT"
+
+Every one theoretically admits the importance of early training.  It is
+demonstrated in the animal and the vegetable kingdoms, wherever organic
+life unfolds and grows; and that the human child is no exception is
+promptly recognized in theory, however fatally practice ignores it.
+
+Not that parents mean to ignore it; but there is a "happy-go-lucky"
+impression that somehow "he will come out all right;" that "as he gets
+older, his own good sense will assert itself," and so on.  Happily,
+this is partly true.  A native good disposition and good sense saves
+many a child from the ruin which an unwise course of training has done
+its best to precipitate.  The wonder is that they "turn out" as well as
+they do.  Perhaps Providence, in visiting its judgments, is lenient to
+the young and inexperienced parents, themselves undisciplined; to the
+helpless child, at the mercy of his blind guides.
+
+There is too much negative, too little positive, in child-training; too
+much querulous reiteration of "don't," too little intelligent teaching
+how to _do_.  Little children like to be "shown how;" they are
+fascinated with the games and gifts of the kindergarten, which aims to
+_teach something_, not to _repress everything_.  Children are delighted
+to learn little polite phrases; to make a bow; to hold a fork daintily;
+to offer little courtesies, and to receive a smiling approbation.  They
+would rather do things prettily than not.  They are _not "contrary,"_
+exceptional cases of hereditary ugliness aside.  They are apt pupils,
+whether their tutor be a philosopher or a fool.  And if a faulty
+example be a child's most constant and influential teacher, what wonder
+that the lessons, well-learned, are put in practice?  And just then, if
+you listen, you will hear some one issue the emphatic but vacuous
+command, "Don't!"  And the baby _doesn't_, for the space of a few
+seconds; after which, unable to get any new suggestions out of the
+idea-less instructions given him, he proceeds to do the same thing
+over, only to be again commanded to desist, a spanking for
+"disobedience" this time varying the monotony of the universal
+prohibition.
+
+The profane poll-parrot is not a more startling witness to the
+character of its surroundings than the "terrible infant," whose rude
+snatchings, pert contradictions, and glib slang phrases are sure to be
+most effectively "shown off" in the presence of visitors.  It is of
+little use to affect grieved surprise, or stern reprobation, when one's
+children are merely exhibiting their daily discipline.  Most parents
+feel keenly the embarrassment of having the infant misbehave so
+inopportunely, and they are apt to offer a tacit apology and a vague
+self-defense by sharply reprimanding the child in words that are meant
+to give the visitor the idea that they--the parents--never _heard_ or
+_saw_ such conduct before, and are now frozen with amazement.  The
+nonchalant or incredulous or impish way in which the children receive
+these reproofs only confirms the suspicion that such scenes have been
+frequent, and the discipline attending them has been inconsequent.
+
+One parent I have heard acknowledge the truth of the matter.  An
+elderly clergyman was his guest, and the four-year-old daughter of the
+house was entertaining the "grandpa" with a toy puzzle, which he
+fumbled with in vain, unable to put it together or to take it apart.
+Impatient at last, the little girl hastily snatched it from his hand
+with a childish growl of contempt, and proceeded to show him the trick,
+saying, with an airy mingling of criticism and condescension, "By Jove!
+your name is Dennis; _you_ are not in it!"  The old gentleman paused,
+instinctively prepared to hear the usual "Why, daughter! papa is
+_astonished_ to hear his little girl," etc, etc., after the fashion of
+the parental hypocrite.  But this candid young father met the dignified
+eyes squarely, and said promptly, "I'm sorry, Doctor, but there's no
+use denying it; she is just giving _me_ away."  He had the sense to
+recognize his own teaching, the honesty to admit it.  Whether he has
+the discretion to reform his methods remains to be seen.
+
+For right here is another point: that people think it is "cute" for a
+_little_ child to say and do things that in a child a few years older
+would be most unattractively rude.  But they must reflect that this
+same cute little child will soon be a few years older, and will carry
+into that riper age the fixed habits that are forming now; and it will
+not be so easy a task to transform the child's manners as it is to
+dress him in a larger suit of clothes.
+
+A choice rose was grafted upon a wild, thorny stock, and planted beside
+a veranda trellis.  The owner watched it carefully for a year or so,
+cutting down the rank shoots of the wild stock as they sprang
+aggressively from the root, allowing the grafted branch to grow in full
+luxuriance, bearing carmine clusters that filled the garden with spicy
+odor.  The next spring an ignorant gardener pruned away the branches,
+cutting down the slenderest and leaving what to his unpracticed eye
+were the most desirable, because the thriftiest, shoots; and when the
+time of blossoms came, nothing appeared but the ragged petals of the
+wild thorn.
+
+So, in "the rosebud garden of girls"--or boys.  If the choice graft of
+cultured manners (for it _is_ a graft on the sturdy but wayward stock
+of human nature) is left to be choked out by the rank, wild growth of
+impulse, or if by some flagrant error in example and discipline it is
+practically cut down at the main branch, what can the careless trainer
+expect?  He may weep to find no velvet-petaled rose when he comes to
+look for it; but he has no right to blame the rose-bush, nor can he, at
+this late day, hide the tact of his blundering pruning by righteously
+affirming that he is "perfectly astonished."  His neighbors, who have
+quietly noted the methods pursued in his kindergarten, are not in the
+least surprised.
+
+Another resource for escaping blame is that of explaining that the
+children "learn these things at school."  Presumably they do not mean
+from the teachers.  It is "from the other children," who seem to be a
+most injurious class of society.  It is their influence which makes
+_our_ children so rude and so ungrammatical; and, strangely enough,
+though these other children never dine with our children, so subtle and
+far-reaching is their baleful influence that our children's defective
+manners at the table are directly traceable to the same evil source.
+
+Granted, a measure of truth in the charge; for large mirthfulness and
+large imitation lead children to do things "just for fun," which all
+the time they know better than to persist in.  But, as a fact,
+demonstrated by observation, a very small percentage of the children
+who are habituated to correct behavior at home are ever seriously
+affected by outside influences.  A superficial effect may show in
+little things; but such lapses of speech or manner are transient, and
+in no degree control the development of the child when his home
+training is irreproachable.  On the other hand, the efforts of an
+untiring teacher, laboring five hours a day to teach correct language
+and enunciation, may be of little permanent value, when the remaining
+hours of the day are spent in a home where the English grammar hourly
+meets a violent death.
+
+And what is true of grammar is equally true of morals and manners.  The
+school and society may be measurably influential; but the home casts
+the deciding vote.  And when people note the manners--good or bad--of
+your boys and girls, they do not ask, "What school do they attend?"
+"What children do they associate with?" but, "_Whose children are
+they?_"
+
+Would you have them mannerly?  Teach them; by precept, certainly; but
+above all things, by example.
+
+
+
+
+SOCIAL YOUNG AMERICA
+
+Henry the Fifth, of England, disposed of certain troublesome
+restrictions of etiquette by remarking that "nice customs curtsey to
+great kings:" but in the twentieth century, customs are more likely to
+curtsey to the common sense of the community at large.
+
+City codes and country customs present some contradictious.  The exact
+rules of etiquette in social formalities, which are derived from the
+established usage of fashionable circles in the city, are constantly
+subject to modifications when they are applied under the conditions
+found in rural neighborhoods.  This is plainly illustrated in the
+comminglings of social "Young America."  Whereas the city-bred girl is
+carefully chaperoned, the village girl of equal social standing,
+intrinsically speaking, is accustomed to go about unconcernedly, either
+alone or under the escort of some youth, with whom she makes
+engagements to drive, or walk, or row, or attend picnics, without
+either of them, as a rule, thinking it necessary to ask her mother to
+join them, or even to give her permission, that being taken for
+granted, since it has probably never been denied.  And the question
+naturally arises, Why _should_ it be denied, when the young man is a
+trusted chum of her brother, and as safe an escort for her as her own
+father would be?  It is a very different case from the similar instance
+in the city, where the gallant is a comparative stranger, who may or
+may not be reliable, and where a conventional world is coldly looking
+on.
+
+But, moreover, if this young country girl chooses, she goes alone to a
+little evening party a few doors away, or to the evening "meeting" at
+the village church, and this same youth, or some other one, escorts her
+home in an impromptu fashion.  The young lady probably invites him into
+the house, if the hour is early and the family are still circled about
+the parlor lamp.  Or, if it is late, she does not ask him in, but
+invites him to call.  She does not thank him for his escort, unless it
+has been given at obvious inconvenience to himself or others, and is
+therefore not so much a matter of gallantry as of neighborly
+accommodation.  In the latter case she does thank him frankly for his
+trouble.
+
+When the young man calls to see her, she receives him with or without
+the presence of her mother or other members of the family.  She may
+invite him to tea, with her mother's serene but passive approval; and,
+in fact, the goings and comings of these young people are more like the
+comradery of two girls than like the formal association of a young man
+and young woman in society.
+
+We are accustomed to call such a code a country code, because of its
+almost universal following in small towns and villages.  But similar
+freedom of association is also observed in city circles outside of the
+exclusive bounds of fashionable life.  Indeed, some of the fashions
+called "countryfied" are equally "cityfied," if we judge by the extent
+of the usage.  But what has been quite safe and sensible and refined in
+the particular instance in the country, may be a most unsafe freedom in
+the city, where every circle is constantly being invaded, more or less,
+by new-comers and by a floating contingent of transient people, whose
+record is not known even to the people who introduce them.  The frank
+friendliness that is usually good form in the village circle is usually
+a great mistake in the city.  It is better that young ladies, whether
+nominally chaperoned or not, should be guarded against making
+acquaintances too readily, especially among young men.  If a young man
+is deserving of social recognition, let the young lady's mother grant
+it to him by inviting him to her house and permitting his association
+with her own young people.
+
+A young girl should not extend these invitations to call unless she is
+well acquainted with the young man, or unless she gives the invitation
+in her mother's name, and with the understanding that he will be
+received by her mother as well as herself.  Usually, the mother should
+be the one to extend the hospitality.
+
+In the case of an unmarried woman who is no longer young, it is
+presumed that discretion will guide her as to when it is dignified and
+proper to give invitations to call, the conservative side being the
+safe side where strangers are concerned.
+
+The ideal condition of Americanized chaperonage is far from being
+realized in the great mass of American society.  A small and exclusive
+circle observes the English code in this matter; the rest of society
+ignore the whole idea--as an idea--though the thoughtful mother
+instinctively guards her daughter in a desultory way, perhaps meeting
+the spirit of the idea in the main, but flagrantly disregarding the
+letter of the formal code.  The two extremes we have; but a real,
+systematic code of chaperonage that is not French, nor English, nor
+Spanish, but wholesome, sensible, thorough-going American _mother's_
+guardianship we are yet to see definitely carried out.  The occasional
+instance of it which we now and then observe has taught us to
+appreciate what would be the happiest development in our social life,
+if once attained.
+
+Meanwhile, the average American girl will probably continue to shine as
+the startling exception to the rule; and in her remarkable escapes from
+serious blunders, will continue to bear the palm for self-command and
+good sense.  Her ability to ignore a law, while consciously cherishing
+all that the law was devised to protect, is a flattering indication of
+her mental and moral integrity.  Even a dull-witted person can follow a
+set rule; it requires some genius to make a legitimate exception, and
+it also involves some temerity.  It is like gathering mushrooms;
+perhaps they are edible, perhaps they are poisonous; for the various
+fungi look very much alike.  If it happens to be right, it is right; if
+it happens to be wrong, it is sheer disaster.
+
+A social code that borrows no artifice from foreign lands and
+institutions, but which, true to the spirit of our own country, guards
+the liberty of young girls on the one hand, while on the other it
+shields them from license, will be welcomed by all thoughtful people.
+The American chaperone is the coming woman.  The girls of the next
+generation will rise up and call her blessed.
+
+
+
+
+THE AMERICAN CHAPERONE
+
+The question of the chaperone in America is peculiarly perplexing.  The
+consternation of the hen whose brood of ducklings took to the water is
+a fit symbol of the horrified amazement with which an old-world
+"duenna" would be filled if she attempted to "look after" a bevy of
+typical American girls, with their independent--yet confused--ideas of
+social requirements in the matter of chaperonage.
+
+In Europe, where social lines are distinctly drawn, a young woman
+either belongs "in society" or else she does not.  In the former case
+she is constantly attended by a chaperone.  In the latter case she is
+merely a young person, a working girl, for whom "society" makes no
+laws.  In our country there is a leisure class of "society women," so
+recognized.  If these alone constituted good society in America, we
+might simply adopt the European distinctions, and settle the chaperone
+question by a particular affirmative referring to these alone.  But we
+reflect that our thoughts throughout this little volume are mainly for
+those who dwell within the broad zone of the average heretofore
+referred to.  In this republican land no one can say that the bounds of
+good society lie arbitrarily here and there; certainly they are not
+marked by a line drawn between occupation and leisure.  The same young
+girl--after leaving school, at the period when society life begins--may
+be "in society" during leisure hours and in business during working
+hours.  It is accounted perfectly lady-like and praiseworthy for a
+young woman, well born and bred, to support herself by some
+remunerative employment that holds her to "business hours."  She may be
+a teacher, an artist, a scribe, an editor, a stenographer, a
+book-keeper--what may she _not_ do, with talent, training, and good
+sense?  And she may do this without being one iota less a lady--_if she
+is one to begin with_.
+
+Now appears the complication.  As a business woman, the self-reliant
+young girl does not need a chaperone.  As a society woman, this
+inexperienced, sensitive, human-nature-trusting child _does_ need a
+chaperone.  She is, therefore, subject to what we may call intermittent
+chaperonage.  Business, definite, serious occupation of any kind, is a
+coat of mail.  The woman or girl who is plainly absorbed in some
+earnest and dignified _work_ is shielded from misinterpretation or
+impertinent intrusion while engaged in that work.  She may go
+unattended to and from her place of business, for her destination is
+understood, and her purpose legitimate.  She needs no guardian, for her
+capacity to take care of herself _under these conditions_, is
+demonstrated to a respectful public.  The spectacle of a stately
+middle-aged woman accompanying each girl book-keeper to her desk every
+morning would be burlesque in the extreme.  The girl who is thus
+allowed to go alone to an office in business hours, sometimes thinks it
+absurd for any one to say that she must not go alone to a drawing-room,
+and she _does_ go alone.  Right here this independent girl makes a
+mistake.  It is granted that the girl with brains and principle to bear
+herself discreetly during office hours is probably able--in the
+abstract--to exercise the same good sense at a party.
+
+But _the conditions are changed_ to the eye of the onlooker.  The girl
+who went to the office wearing the shield and armor of her work, now
+appears in society _without that shield_.  To the observer she differs
+in no wise from the banker's daughter, who "toils not."  Like the
+latter, she needs on social occasions the watchful chaperonage that
+should be given to all young girls in these conditions.  The woman who
+is in society at all must conform to its conventional laws, or lose
+caste in proportion to her defiance of these laws.  She cannot defy
+them without losing the dignity and exclusiveness that characterize a
+well-bred woman, and without seeming to drift into the careless and
+doubtful manners of "Bohemia."  The fairy-story suggests the principle;
+Cinderella could work alone in the dust and ashes undisturbed; but the
+fairy-god-mother must needs accompany her when she went to the ball.
+In the best circles everywhere, at home and abroad, every young girl
+during her first years in society is "chaperoned."  That is to say, on
+all formal social occasions she appears under the watch and ward of an
+older woman of character and standing--her mother, or the mother's
+representative.  The young woman's calls are made, and her visits
+received, in the company of this guardian of the proprieties; and she
+attends the theatre or other places of amusement, only under the same
+safe conduct.
+
+Society to the young girl is May-fair.  With the happy future veiled
+just beyond, she goes to meet a possible romance, and to traverse a
+circle of events that may haply round up in a wedding-ring.  It is of
+the utmost importance that she shall not be left at the mercy of
+accidental meetings, indiscreet judgments, and the heedless impulses of
+inexperienced youth, which may effectually blight her future in its
+bud.  A parent or guardian does a girl incalculable injury in allowing
+her to enter upon society life without chaperonage, and the unremitting
+watch-care and control which only a discreet, motherly woman can give
+to girlhood.  Men respect the chaperoned girl.  Honorable men respect
+her as something that is worth taking care of; men who are not
+honorable respect her as something with which they dare not be unduly
+familiar--though they account it "smart" to be "hail fellow well met"
+with the girl who ignorantly goes about unattended, or with other
+unchaperoned girls, on social occasions.  A girl must have an unusual
+measure of native dignity, as well as native innocence, always to
+escape the disagreeable infliction of either "fresh" or _blasé_
+impertinence, if she has no mother's wing to flutter under.
+
+This absolute condition of chaperonage exists during the novitiate of
+the young society woman.  The requirement grows less and less rigid as
+the young woman grows more and more experienced, and learns to meet
+social emergencies for herself.  That delicate ignoring of a woman's
+age which is shown in calling her a "girl" until she is married also
+permits her to be a chaperoned member of society until that event.  But
+when obviously past her youth, it is no longer required that she shall
+wear the demeanor of a _débutante_.  Nor does propriety demand her
+mother's constant presence, when years of training have taught the
+daughter her mother's discretion, and when the mother's own serene
+dignity looks out of the daughter's eyes.
+
+We are proud of the ideal American girl.  I mean the one _who is
+essentially a lady_, whether rich or poor, the one whose sterling good
+sense is equal to her emergencies; the one who is self-reliant without
+being bold, firm without being overbearing, brainy without being
+masculine, strong of nerve--"but yet a woman."  Let her be equipped for
+the battle of life, which in our state of society so many girls are
+fighting single-handed.  Instruct her in business principles; teach her
+to use the discretion needed to move safely along the crowded
+thoroughfare and to follow the routine of the office or the studio,
+trusting that with busy head and busy hands she may be safe wherever
+duty leads her tireless feet.  But in her hours of social recreation,
+when she will meet and solve the vital problems of her own personal
+life, she needs a subtle _something more_; the mother's wisdom to
+supply the deficiencies of her inexperience, the mother's love to
+enfold her in unspoken sympathy, the mother's approbation to rest upon
+her dutiful conduct like a benediction.
+
+Let no young girl regard this watch-care as a trammel placed on her
+coveted liberty.  On the contrary, she will find that she has far more
+social freedom with the countenance of her mother's presence than she
+could have without it.  And in after years, when her life has developed
+safely and happily under this discreet leadership, she will look back
+to her _début_, and her first seasons in society, with profound
+gladness that--thanks to somebody wiser than herself--she has escaped
+the follies that have in more or less measure injured the prospects of
+her young friends who were too "independent" to submit to the
+restraints of chaperonage, and who, for lack of it, to-day find
+themselves to a relative extent depreciated in social estimation.
+
+
+
+
+GREETINGS.  RECOGNITIONS.  INTRODUCTIONS.
+
+The proverb, "The beginning is half the battle," applies in a multitude
+of ways.  In the first instant of a greeting between two people, the
+ground upon which they meet should be indicated.  Cordiality, reserve,
+distrust, confidence, caution, condescension, deference--whatever the
+real or the assumed attitude may be, should be shown unmistakably when
+eyes meet and heads bend in the ceremony of greeting.
+
+To put into this initial manner the essence of the manner which one
+chooses to maintain throughout is one of the fine touches of diplomacy.
+People fail to do this when their effusively gracious condescension
+subsequently develops into snobbishness, or when an austere stiffness
+of demeanor belies the friendliness which they really intend to
+manifest.  The latter fault is often due to diffidence or awkward
+self-consciousness; the former is usually traceable to the caprice of
+an undisciplined nature, and is a significant mark of ill-breeding.
+
+The vital part of a greeting is in the expression of the eyes.  This is
+so nearly spontaneous that the most guarded cannot altogether veil the
+spirit that looks out of these "windows of the soul."  The studied
+attitude and genuflection fail to hide surliness or contempt; and
+hostility, bitter and implacable, may reveal itself by the smoldering
+spark of anger in the eye, and destroy the effect of the most artful
+obsequiousness of manner.  Since we cannot control this one
+impulsively-truthful medium of expression, it becomes a matter of
+policy as well as of morals to harbor no spirits whose "possession" of
+us would be an unpleasant and inconvenient revelation.
+
+Next to the eyes, the pose of the figure indicates the sentiment of the
+moment.  Arrogant assumption of superiority may be read in the expanded
+chest, the stiffened neck, and the head thrown backward at a decided
+angle; or, subservient humility is seen in the forward-bending head and
+the wilted droop of the shoulders.  And again, the difference between a
+real humility and the artificial deference which gallantry prompts is
+easily detected.  The gallant's head and shoulders are bowed, but not
+in meekness, for there is a certain tension in the controlled muscles
+that suggests that he can "straighten up" at will, whereas the really
+humble man appears to have no power to lift his bowed head or equally
+drooping spirit.
+
+The bending of the head and trunk, or the "bow," is the final and most
+active exponent of the spirit of the greeting.  In its degrees and
+gradations are marked the degrees of deference, real or formal.
+
+The bow begins at the head, and may observe the following gradations:
+
+It may be an inclination of the head only, differing from a "nod" in
+the dignity of movement.
+
+The inclination may extend to the shoulders, causing a slightly
+perceptible forward leaning.  This inclination may continue to the
+waist line.
+
+The extreme inclination bends the entire trunk from the hips.  The legs
+are straight and the feet near together, in the attitude of "position"
+in free gymnastics.
+
+In every bow, of whatever gradation, the movement should be slow, the
+eye steady, the face serene, and the whole demeanor expressive of
+polite interest in the object.  An averted eye is disrespectful, and
+suggests insincerity or treachery.  Not that it always means either;
+the "drooping eyelash" is affected by many women as gracefully
+expressive of feminine modesty.  It may be coquettish, but there is
+nothing particularly womanly in never looking a man in the eye.  Search
+the face that confronts you, and learn what manner of man this is whom
+you are receiving into your company and fellowship.  If he quails under
+the inquisition, so much the worse for him.  If he is worth looking at,
+it is a pity to miss the sight.  Moreover, we more than half suspect
+that a woman's face is more attractive if her eyes occasionally "look
+up clear," instead of allowing the downcast lids to hide all of their
+vivacity and expression.
+
+The gayety or the gravity of the countenance may serve to measure the
+cordiality or the reserve which respectively distinguish two
+"bows"--exactly alike as to movement, and equally courteous, the one
+inviting confidence, the other repelling familiarity.  The time, the
+place, and the occasion, and the mutual relations of people, decide the
+essential character of the appropriate bow.  It must always be the
+exponent of the nature and disposition of the individual, and of his
+relation to the person whom he greets.  No one has precisely the _same
+manner_ for any two people of his acquaintance--that is, if he has any
+vital manner at all.  We are to others largely what they inspire us to
+be, and only lifeless indifference reduces "manner" to one same
+automatic manifestation.  The life of a social greeting is in its
+exclusive spirit, and though the variations of outward manner are
+difficult to trace, it is a graceful and flattering thing to make this
+specialty of manner felt in every greeting extended.  Perhaps, after
+all, it is the eye that controls this, as the spirit within controls
+the eye.
+
+In general, the manner of a greeting should be optimistic, free from
+ungracious suspicion, and indicating a cheerful willingness to take
+people at their best; and even when most sternly forbidding
+intrusiveness, it should appear that the repulse is for good cause, and
+is not merely the expression of a capricious and unfounded arrogance.
+The latter quality, quite as often as not, characterizes the manner of
+snobs toward people who are infinitely their superiors in all that
+indicates character and breeding.
+
+The "curtsey"--or "courtesy"--is a feature of the minuet, and revived
+with the old-fashioned dance.  It is a pretty bit of old-time grace,
+and is appropriate in responding to formal introductions and greetings
+in the drawing-room, especially when paying respect to elderly people.
+It is most effective when executed in a costume of voluminous
+draperies.  It is a woman's ceremonial; no man ever "curtseys."  The
+regulation "bow" is the only "deference" that gracefully combines with
+a dress suit.
+
+The _courtesy_ is a strictly formal obeisance, and the courtly
+reverence which it embodies is something more abstract than concrete,
+not necessarily inspired by the person to whom its deference is shown.
+Like all greetings exchanged in the midst of crowds or in public
+places, it is somewhat impersonal in manner.  Personal recognitions and
+distinctions are reserved for more private occasions.  One's greetings
+to fellow-guests at a reception are uniformly affable, irrespective of
+personal preferences.  Though our dearest friend and our direst foe
+both be present, we must not pointedly discriminate between them; we
+are not at liberty to use the parlors of our host for either a lover's
+tryst or a duelling-ground.
+
+A guest's first duty on entering a parlor or drawing-room is to pay his
+or her respects to the hostess and the ladies who are receiving with
+her.  Gentlemen should also make it a point to find the host as soon as
+possible, and extend to him a similar courtesy.  The host, in turn,
+when not receiving formally with the hostess, roams at large, giving a
+hospitable greeting to each lady among his guests.
+
+In America, when a lady and gentleman meet, after being duly
+introduced, it is the lady's privilege to bow first.  This rule
+protects her from the intrusion of an unwelcome acquaintance.  But when
+the acquaintance is established and mutually agreeable, the rule is
+immaterial.
+
+In general, the elder or the more distinguished person bows first.  But
+if the one who for any reason would be the proper one to take the
+initiative is known to be near-sighted, and liable to overlook an
+acquaintance unintentionally, it is more polite for the other person
+not to stand on ceremony.
+
+It is interesting to note that on the continent of Europe the rule
+regarding recognitions is exactly reversed.  The subject bows first to
+the king, the courtier to the lady; deference to a superior, rather
+than social equality, being expressed by the bow.
+
+One of the moot questions of the day is, "When is it proper to
+introduce people to each other?"  The strictest etiquette forbids
+casual social introductions, or the introducing of any two people at
+any time without the consent of both parties.  It is argued that people
+who meet in a drawing-room as fellow-guests are introduced, by that
+mere fact, sufficiently for the social purposes of the hour; and they
+may engage in conversation, if they choose, without the least
+hesitancy; both understanding that this interchange involves no
+acquaintance beyond the present occasion.  By this arrangement an
+awkward silence is averted, and it certainly seems as if the chief
+argument in favor of "introducing people" is met; since, with "the
+roof" as their transient introduction, they are perfectly at ease
+without personal introductions.  When people are used to this idea it
+is altogether the most sensible and agreeable solution of the question;
+but many social assemblies demonstrate that a large number of people
+are yet waiting to be introduced, and not without some feeling of
+resentment when this ceremony is neglected.  Let it be understood that
+any one is at liberty to speak to a fellow-guest without an
+introduction; also, that such a "talk" does not warrant any subsequent
+claim of acquaintance.  If in the course of this impromptu chat mutual
+interest is awakened, either one may later seek an introduction in due
+form through some common friend.
+
+On informal occasions, when few guests are present, especially in
+country towns, it may be more kindly and social to give personal
+introductions; and the good sense of this idea, probably, is founded on
+the fact that under these conditions a hostess can be reasonably sure
+that the acquaintance will be congenial.  To the villager many of the
+extreme rules of etiquette are unreasonable, because the conditions
+that enforce them in town life are not present in the life of the quiet
+hamlet.  The rule regarding introductions is one which must be modified
+to suit circumstances.  It is one of the cases when various delicate
+considerations may justify exceptions.  The lady who in her city home
+introduces nobody, may in her country home introduce everybody, if that
+seems best.  In the matter of delicate exceptions we observe the most
+significant display of tact.
+
+When introductions are made, gentlemen should be presented to ladies,
+younger people to older people, etc.  The formula for introductions may
+be abbreviated to a mere announcement of the two names: "Mr.
+Smith--Mrs. Jones"--the pause and inflection filling the ellipsis; and
+really, upon the tone and manner depends the courtesy of the
+introduction so barren of phrasing.  A formal presentation is made in
+this form:--"Miss Smith, allow me to present Mr. Jones."
+
+Tact suggests that a hostess shall avoid bringing uncongenial people
+together; but if this unfortunately happens through ignorance or
+thoughtlessness, tact with equal urgency requires that the guests thus
+inauspiciously mingled shall not allow any one, not even the hostess
+herself, to discover the mistake.  The same rule which allows perfect
+strangers to be agreeably social for an hour, and then part as
+strangers yet, certainly will grant to enemies a similar privilege.
+
+The woman who conscientiously, and _perfectly_, hides her personal
+animosities rather than mar the harmony of the social circle, is doing
+her part to keep the world in tune.
+
+The offer of the social right hand of fellowship is a tacit recognition
+of equality.  Hand-shaking is said to be an American habit.  Certainly
+the social conditions in a republic are favorable to such a custom.  It
+is a pity that a mode so adapted to express the warmth and loyalty of
+friendship should be indiscriminately employed in casual greetings.
+The pressure of the hand should mean more than it can mean, when, as
+now, it is bestowed with equal alacrity on life-long friend and recent
+acquaintance.
+
+Fastidious and sensitive people are rather conservative in
+hand-shaking.  Etiquette allows considerable latitude.  It is proper
+and graceful, but not required, for two men to shake hands when
+introduced.  A lady does not usually shake hands with a new
+acquaintance, unless the circumstances of the introduction make her
+responsible for allowing special cordiality, as when a person is
+introduced to her in her own house.  A host and hostess shake hands
+with a guest; they may omit to shake hands with the same person when
+they meet him elsewhere.
+
+Whatever one's personal impulse, it is polite to defer to the evident
+preference of another; and to shake hands heartily if a hand is
+cordially extended, or to refrain from proffering the hand when reserve
+is evident in the manner of the other person.
+
+Hand-shaking as a conventional ceremony should be as impersonal and as
+void of significance as possible.  The clasp of the hand should be firm
+but brief; not hasty, yet not prolonged; and the fingers should relax
+and loosen their hold at once, not dropping listlessly, nor retaining a
+lingering pressure.  When a lady gives her hand to a guest she expects
+to get it back again almost immediately, and in an uncrushed condition.
+To hold another's hand until he or she is conscious of the detaining
+grasp is a liberty that only trusted friends may take.
+
+At the same time, a hearty manner of greeting may be the fashion in
+some places; and to meet it otherwise than cheerfully would seem
+churlish, according to local standards.  It is always well-bred--as
+well as politic--to conform to local customs so far as is consistent
+with dignity.
+
+Another custom, gradually going out, is the woman's fashion of kissing
+effusively each woman-friend of her acquaintance.  This senseless habit
+has no excuse for being.  When kissing is the language of impulsive
+affection, etiquette has nothing to say about it except to demand that
+the general public shall not be called upon to witness the ceremony.
+Public thoroughfares and thronged social assemblies we not the proper
+places for such demonstrations.  Nothing is less interesting than other
+people's kisses, unless it be the gushing recital of private affairs
+with which these unguarded people also entertain every stranger within
+earshot.  When scenes like these are observed at railroad stations and
+on board of trains when demonstrative leave-taking is in progress, we
+may forgive the exhibition since the circumstances warrant more than
+usual impulsiveness and forgetfulness of surroundings.  But when the
+most common-place meeting of acquaintances, who see each other every
+day, is attended with these phenomena, etiquette, as well as
+common-sense, enters a severe protest.  The kiss, which should be the
+most exclusive symbol of friendship, becomes the most insignificant
+form of greeting.
+
+It is not proper, according to strict etiquette, to give the kiss of
+greeting in public places; but when near relatives or cherished friends
+do choose thus to greet each other, the kiss should be exchanged
+unobtrusively and with dignity; conversation on private matters should
+be conducted in subdued tones, and a well-bred gravity--quite
+consistent with cheerfulness--should characterize the manner.
+
+It would be well if every person in society should register a solemn
+resolution never to kiss _anybody_ unless prompted to do so by the
+irresistible impulse of affection.  It is safe to say that nine-tenths
+of the kisses of social greeting would be dispensed with.  The quality
+of the remaining tenth would doubtless be proportionately improved.
+
+
+
+
+BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC THOROUGHFARES
+
+People understand and "make allowances" for many things that, to say
+the least, are thoughtless in the behavior of people whom they know
+well.  Not so "the general public," which measures every man's conduct
+by the strict law of propriety, and accredits him with so much
+intelligence and refinement as his manners display--no more.  And,
+happily, no less; for this "general public" is a dispassionate critic
+on the whole, and if it severely condemns our faults, it has no grudge
+against us to keep it from equally appreciating our merits.
+
+A "regard for appearances" is--and should be--a leading consideration
+when ordering one's conduct in public.  It is not enough that _we know_
+ourselves to be above reproach; we must take care that the stranger who
+observes us gets no impression to the contrary.  Friends who know her
+irresistibly mirthful disposition, may excuse the girl who laughs
+boisterously on the street-car; but she will not be able to explain to
+the severe-looking stranger opposite that she did _not_ do this to
+attract attention.
+
+Conduct in public should be characterized by reserve.  The promenade,
+the corridors of public buildings--post-office, railway stations,
+etc.--the elevators and arcades of buildings devoted to shops and
+offices; museums and picture-galleries, the foyer of the theatre, and
+the reading-rooms of public libraries may all be regarded as thorough
+fares, where the general public is our observant critic.  Greetings
+between acquaintances casually meeting in such places should be quiet
+and conventional; friends should avoid calling each other by name, and
+conversation should be confined to such remarks as one does not object
+to have accidentally overheard.  Subdued, but natural, tones of voice
+should be used, and the manner should be perfectly "open and above
+board."  Cautious whispering is conspicuous, sometimes suspicious, and
+always ill-mannered.  If confidential matters are to be discussed, the
+office or the parlor is the proper place for the conference.
+
+When acquaintances meet on the promenade, recognitions are exchanged by
+a slight bow, with or without a spoken greeting.
+
+On the crowded walk, if two acquaintances pass and re-pass each other
+several times in the course of the same promenade, it is not necessary
+to exchange greetings after the first meeting.
+
+Canes and umbrellas should not be carried under the arm horizontally,
+endangering the eyes and ribs of other pedestrians.
+
+A man, when bowing, lifts his hat in the following instances:
+
+When bowing to a lady.
+
+When, walking with a lady, he bows to another man of his acquaintance.
+
+When bowing to an elderly man, or a superior in office.
+
+When bowing to a man who is walking with a lady.
+
+When, walking with a lady, he joins her in saluting any gentlemen of
+her acquaintance, but strangers to himself; or, when walking with
+gentlemen, he joins them in saluting a lady of their acquaintance, but
+a stranger to himself.
+
+When offering any civility (as a seat in the street-car), to a lady,
+whether a stranger or an acquaintance.
+
+When bidding good-bye to a lady after an "open-air" conference, when
+the hat has been worn.  Punctilious etiquette requires a man to stand
+with head uncovered in the presence of ladies, until requested to
+replace the hat.  But in our changeable climate, the risk of "taking
+cold" suggests the good sense of wearing the hat out-of-doors, and
+allowing the graceful lifting of the same at greeting and parting to
+express all the deference that the uncovered head is meant to symbolize.
+
+The greater the crowd, the shorter the range at which greetings are
+exchanged.  One might "halloo" to an old acquaintance forty rods
+distant, down a country lane; but on Broadway he bows only to the ones
+whom he meets point blank.
+
+If two friends meet and pause to shake hands, they should step aside
+from the throng, and not blockade the sidewalk.  Ladies should make
+these pauses very brief, and beware of entering into exhaustive
+interchanges of family news.  Two men may linger, if they choose, and
+hold a few moments' conversation.  But if a man meets a lady, and
+wishes to chat with her, he should, after greeting her, ask permission
+to join her, and walk with her for a short distance; he should by no
+means detain her standing on the sidewalk.  He should not accompany her
+all the way to her destination, nor prolong such a casual conversation
+beyond a few moments.  He should leave her at a corner, and lift his
+hat respectfully as he bids her good-bye.
+
+If several people walking together on a sidewalk of average width meet
+other groups of promenaders, both parties should fall into single line
+as they pass, allowing each group a fair share of the walk.  This is
+especially incumbent when on a narrow crossing.  It is very rude for
+groups of three or more to walk abreast without heeding the people whom
+they meet, and often crowding the latter off the curbstone.  Young
+girls are sometimes very thoughtless in this matter.  "Turn to the
+right, as the law directs" is an injunction that holds good for the
+crowded sidewalk.
+
+If one, walking briskly, overtakes slower walkers ahead, and the crowd
+allows no space to get past them, one should watch for a chance to slip
+through a gap in the phalanx, rather than "elbow through."  If no
+chance seems likely to occur, and haste is imperative, a polite man has
+no recourse but to step outside the curb and walk rapidly ahead,
+returning to the sidewalk a few paces in advance.  A lady similarly
+hurried may slip through a small space, if one offers, with an
+apologetic "I beg pardon."  But in no case should pushing be resorted
+to.  It is very unmannerly for a party of loiterers to string
+themselves thus across the width of a sidewalk, and then saunter
+slowly, regardless of the fact that they are impeding the progress of
+busier people.  A policeman should call their attention to the fact.
+
+If the sidewalk is "blocked" by an orderly crowd, as it frequently is
+on the occasion of parades and other public demonstrations, a man may
+push his way through gently, saying, "I beg pardon" to those whom he is
+compelled to jostle.  The fine breeding of a gentleman never shows more
+conspicuously than in his manner of getting through a crowd.  The
+beauty of it is, or, perhaps, I might say, the utility of it is, that
+courtesy in such a case is very much more effective than "bluff," for
+the majority in an orderly crowd are inclined to be obliging, and
+quickly respond to a good-humored request; whereas, if one aggressive
+elbow begins to push, a hundred other elbows are set rigidly akimbo,
+and the solid mass becomes ten-fold more unyielding than before.
+
+If accosted by a stranger with a request for information as to streets,
+directions, etc., one should kindly reply, and, if not able to give the
+desired information, should, if possible, direct the stranger where to
+make further inquiries.  Cheerful interest in the perplexities of a
+bewildered sojourner in the city costs nothing and is always highly
+appreciated.  Only a pessimist or a snob would dismiss such a question
+curtly.
+
+If a lady's dress has been torn, or trimming or braid ripped and left
+trailing after contact with the nails in a packing-box on the sidewalk,
+or from some similar accident, it is polite to call her attention to
+the disaster.  A gentleman may do this with perfect propriety if he
+sees that she is not aware of it.  He should preface the information
+with "Pardon me," and should lift his hat, as always when offering any
+civility.
+
+When attending to business at banks, post-office, railroad
+ticket-offices, etc., one should pay no attention to other people,
+further than to guard against allowing one's absorbing interest in
+one's own affairs to make one regardless of the just rights of others
+in the matter of "turn" at ticket or stamp windows, or in the use of
+the public desk, pens, etc.--trifling tests of good manners that
+distinguish the well-bred, _and which illustrate very pointedly the
+truth that selfishness is always vulgar, and that an unfailing habit of
+considering other people's comfort is a mark of gentle breeding_.
+
+A lady should say "Thank you" to a gentleman who gives up a seat to her
+in a street-car or other public conveyance, where, having _paid_ for a
+seat, he has a _right_ to it, and his voluntary relinquishment of it is
+a matter of _personal courtesy_ on his part.  The woman who slides into
+a place thus offered without acknowledging the obligation is very
+thoughtless, or else she has erroneous ideas of how far chivalry is
+bound to be the slave of selfishness.  If the lady is accompanied by a
+gentleman, he, too, should say "Thank you," and lift his hat.  He
+should also be thoughtful not to take the next vacated seat himself
+without first offering it to the polite stranger.
+
+A young woman, strong and well, may properly give up her seat to a
+fragile woman, or a mother with a baby, or to an elderly man or woman.
+
+Young ladies of leisure, who are not weary, should not be too ready to
+"oust" tired clerks and laboring men whose ride home at six o'clock is
+their first chance to sit down, for ten hours.  A _gentleman_ is
+chivalrous; and there is a corresponsive quality in a _lady_, which
+makes her delicately sensitive about unjustly imposing on that
+chivalry, or which, in emergencies of sickness or disaster, enables
+_her_ to be the _chivalrous in spirit_, and bear on her slender
+shoulders the burden that is temporarily dropped when some stroke of
+Providence lays the strong man low.
+
+On the other hand, there are women of coarse fibre, who imagine that
+they vastly increase their own importance by being selfishly exacting
+in the matter of men's self-sacrificing attentions.  They may browbeat
+the men who are in their power; but, outside of this narrow world of
+their own, they are held in thorough contempt by the very men whose
+admiration they had hoped to gain by their aggressive and ill-tempered
+demands.
+
+Men who smoke on the street should avoid the crowded promenade, where
+ladies "most do congregate;" since it is nearly impossible to avoid
+annoying some one with the smoke.
+
+In most towns, the Board of Health ordinance forbidding spitting on
+floors, sidewalks, etc., is not only a hygienic safe-guard, but a much
+needed enforcement of good manners.  Comment is superfluous.
+
+Based upon an idea borrowed from olden days--that the right arm, the
+"sword arm," should be free for defense--a custom formerly prevailed
+for a man, walking with a lady, to place her always at his left side.
+Then later--also with some idea of shielding her from danger--it was
+the custom for a man to walk next to the curbstone, whether it happened
+to be left or right.  This is still the rule, unless the sidewalk is
+crowded; in which case a man walks at the side next the opposing
+throng, in order to shield a lady from the elbows of the passers-by.
+
+Authorities are divided on the subject of elevator etiquette, some
+denouncing in round terms the man who is so rude as to keep his hat on
+in an elevator where there are ladies; arguing that the elevator is a
+"little room," an "interior," not a thoroughfare.  Others are equally
+emphatic in asserting that the elevator _is_ a thoroughfare, _merely_;
+and that hats are not to be removed, except under the same conditions
+that would call for their removal in the street--as the greeting of
+acquaintances, or the exchange of civilities.  The good sense of this
+view is apparent.  A hat held in the hand in a crowded elevator is sure
+to be in the way, and liable to be crushed.  A gentleman who wishes to
+compromise between stolid ignoring of the ladies who are strangers, and
+superfluous recognition of their presence, may lift his hat and replace
+it immediately, when a lady enters the elevator, or when he enters an
+elevator where ladies already are.  Such a courtesy differs from a
+greeting in this: a stranger offering this elevator civility _does not
+look at the lady_, nor does he bend his head; and his lifted hat is an
+impersonal tribute to the sex.  A lady makes _no response_ to such a
+courtesy; yet there is in her general bearing a subtle something, hard
+to describe, but which every gentleman will readily recognize, that
+shows whether or not she observes and appreciates his little act of
+deference.  The atmosphere of good manners may be as invisible as the
+air about us; but we know when we are breathing it.
+
+During a promenade in the day-time, a lady does not take a man's arm
+unless she is feeble from age or ill-health, and needs the support.  In
+the evening, a gentleman walking with a lady may offer her his arm.  On
+no account should a man take a woman's arm.  This is a disrespectful
+freedom, that might be supposed to be the specialty of the rustic beau,
+if it were not so frequently observed in city thoroughfares.
+
+The "cut direct" is the rudest possible way of dropping an
+acquaintance; and is allowable only in the case of some flagrant
+offender who deserves public and merciless rebuke.  Ordinarily, the
+result sought--of ending an undesired acquaintance--is attained by a
+persistently cold courtesy, supplemented by as much avoidance as
+possible; drifting apart, not sinking each other's craft without
+warning.
+
+As crowds are distracting, and people bent on their own errands are
+often oblivious of their surroundings, it is quite possible for a
+seeming cut to have been an unconscious oversight.  When an
+acquaintance seems not to see one, though close at baud, it is possible
+that something closer yet to his consciousness is absorbing all his
+thoughts.  Only clear and unmistakable evidence of _intention_ should
+lead one to infer a slight.  It is not only more _polite_, but more
+_self-respecting_, to "take offense" _slowly_.
+
+
+
+
+IN PUBLIC ASSEMBLIES
+
+At the theatre or opera, at concerts, or popular lectures, at
+"commencements," and other prosperous and happy public entertainments,
+a certain gayety of manner may be in harmony with the occasion; but it
+should be under control, a smiling cheerfulness, not a free-and-easy
+jollity.  Before the play, or the programme, begins, social
+conversation is usually allowable in quiet tones that do not disturb
+the surrounding people.  A gentle hum of lively voices is not an
+unpleasant overture on such occasions.  But the moment the orchestra
+begins, if at the theatre, or the instant that the meeting is called to
+order by any initial feature of the programme, silence should fall upon
+the assembly, and not a whisper be heard.  Polite attention should be
+given to each feature of the hour.  Programmes should be folded and
+arranged for easy reference before the exercises begin, so that no
+rustling of papers shall mar the effect of the music, or interfere with
+the speakers or listeners.  The noisy handling of programmes is a most
+exasperating exhibition of thoughtlessness, and can easily be avoided
+by a little caution.
+
+It should be accounted a matter of good form not to be late in arriving
+at the theatre, opera, etc.  People sometimes think that because their
+seats are secured by their ticket-coupons, it makes no difference
+whether they are in their places before the curtain rises or not.  But
+it is inconsistent for people who would be thought to be well-mannered,
+to inflict on others so much annoyance as is the result of coming late
+and making a commotion arranging seats, etc., after a drama is in
+progress, or a lecture or concert begun.  When this happens, it should
+be the rare and unavoidable accident of detention, not the habitual and
+perhaps even ostentatious custom that it seems to be with some people.
+The noise about the swing-doors, and the rustle in the aisles, the
+banging of hinged seats, and the occasional parley with the usher,
+render the seats under the galleries practically valueless during the
+first half of the performance, since the speakers cannot be heard in
+the midst of the confusion.  The "sense" of the opening act being lost,
+the entire play is marred simply because forty or fifty people are ten
+or fifteen minutes late.  If managers would combine and agree to order
+the doors closed several minutes before the performance begins, it
+would soon remedy the trouble, and a host of patrons would applaud
+their course.  The most aggravating thing about annoyances of this kind
+is that they are inflicted by the very few, and suffered by the very
+many.
+
+In crowded theatres and lecture halls, heavy coats and wraps must be
+disposed within each owner's own territory.  They should not lie over
+the top of the seat or bulge over into the adjoining seats to encroach
+upon other people.  Nor should the owner of a big overcoat double it up
+into a cushion and sit upon it, to raise himself six inches higher, to
+the disadvantage of the person seated back of him--a selfish
+preparation to see the sights which we sometimes observe, even in the
+parquet centre.
+
+The fashion, now almost universal, of removing hats at all spectacular
+entertainments, does away with what was formerly a conspicuous source
+of annoyance.  For awhile this downfall of view-obstructing millinery
+promised a "square deal" to the occupants of the back rows.  But of
+late vanity has re-asserted itself in the guise of elaborate
+hair-dressing, until the aigrette and the bow have become as great an
+imposition as was their predecessor, the flaring hat.  This evasion of
+the issue will be more difficult to control by public prohibition.  It
+remains for the polite woman to avoid adopting, for such occasions, the
+towering head-dress that evokes not admiration but execration from the
+people seated behind her.  No woman need risk annoying others in order
+to be attractive herself; there are numerous styles that are both
+unobtrusive and becoming.  Moreover, the woman in good society has
+ample opportunity to exhibit her elaborate coiffure at private social
+functions.
+
+People who wish to leave the theatre between the acts should make it a
+point to secure end seats and not _scrape_ past half a dozen other
+people three or four times during the performance.  If it is necessary
+to trouble other people to rise and step aside to allow one to take or
+to leave his seat, the person thus obliged should preface the action
+with "I beg pardon," or "May I trouble you to allow me to pass;"--and
+should acknowledge the obligation by saying "Thank you."  This may not
+lessen the inconvenience to other people, but it may mollify the
+feeling of irritability that such things naturally arouse.
+
+It ought to be superfluous to say that talking aloud, or continuous
+whispering during the progress of a play or opera or concert, usually
+on topics foreign to the occasion, is a rudeness to the performers and
+a bold impertinence to the rest of the audience.  Some people are
+guilty of this insolence wittingly and unblushingly.  For such we have
+no word of advice.  Such instances should be met by something more
+effective than "gentle influence."  But many, especially young people,
+talk and laugh thoughtlessly, and from mere exuberance of animal
+spirits.  It is to be hoped that on pausing to reflect they will
+carefully avoid forming a habit of public misbehavior that will
+ultimately rank them in the social scale as confirmed vulgarians.  An
+_intelligent_ listener never interrupts.  Between the scenes of a play,
+or the successive numbers of a concert programme, there are pauses long
+enough for a brief exchange of comment between two friends who are
+sharing an entertainment, and they may enjoy the pleasure of thus
+comparing notes without once disturbing the order of the time and place.
+
+At a spectacular entertainment, it is very rude for those in front to
+stand up in order to see better, thus cutting off all view for those
+back of them.  The disposition to do this is very strong in rural
+audiences, where the flat floor of the school-house or hall gives
+little chance for the observers seated back of the first few "rows."
+But one may better lose part of the "tableau" on the stage than to
+furnish _another_ one on the floor of the house.
+
+At a lecture, a special personal respect is due to the speaker.  This
+is shown by a courteous attention and a general demeanor of interest
+and appreciation.  If applause is merited, it should be given in a
+refined manner.  The stamping of the feet is coarse, and the pounding
+of the floor with canes and umbrellas is as lazy as it is noisy.  The
+clapping of hands is a natural language of delight, and, when
+skillfully done, is an enthusiastic expression of approbation.  Some
+effort is being made to substitute the waving of handkerchiefs as a
+symbol of approval or greeting to a favorite speaker, but it is quite
+probable that this silent signal will not take the place of the more
+active demonstration of clapping the hands, except on very quiet and
+intellectual occasions.
+
+Shall ladies join in applause?  As a matter of fact, women seldom
+applaud, but not because propriety necessarily forbids; it is chiefly
+because the tight-fitting kid glove renders "clapping" a mechanical
+impossibility.  Feminine enthusiasm is quite equal to it at times, as,
+for instance, when listening to a favorite elocutionist or violinist.
+There is no reason why ladies may not "clap," if they _can_.  It
+certainly is quite as lady-like and orderly as for them to give vent to
+their enthusiasm, as many do, in audible exclamations of "Too sweet for
+_anything_!" "Just too _lovely_!" etc., all of which might have been
+"conducted off" at the finger-tips if hand-clapping had been a feasible
+medium of expression.
+
+Applause may be a very effective and graceful exponent of gentlemanly
+appreciation if given with discrimination; but if too ready and
+frequent, it ceases to have any point, and becomes commonplace.  While
+a man of taste will applaud heartily on occasion, he will refrain from
+extravagant and continuous clapping.
+
+The observance of the proprieties of time, place, and occasion are
+nowhere more urgent than at church.  Much of the liberty that is
+granted on secular occasions is entirely out of place in church.
+
+While quiet greetings may be exchanged at the church door, or in the
+outer vestibules, before and after service, it is not decorous to chat
+sociably along the aisles, or hold a gossiping conference in whispers
+with some one in the neighboring pew.  I have in mind one woman, who
+ought to have known better, whose sibilant utterances--just five pews
+distant--came to be a regular part of the five minutes' pause
+immediately before the service began.  Her conversation was usually
+directed to another woman, who, likewise, should have known better than
+to listen.  The silent vault of the church roof echoed to the vigorous
+whispering up to the instant that the clergyman began, in low monotone,
+"The Lord is in His holy temple"--a fact which the whisperer had
+obviously forgotten--"let all the earth keep silence before Him"--an
+injunction which she never seemed to be able to remember from week to
+week.
+
+It is one of the worst violations of good form to behave with levity in
+church.  To devout people the church is the place for meditation and
+prayer, and nothing should be allowed to disturb the restful calm that
+is sought within its sacred walls.  A well-bred agnostic will respect
+the religious sentiments of other people, whatever his own beliefs or
+disbeliefs in matters theological.  If no higher law is recognized, at
+least every one will regard the etiquette of the case, which requires
+that the demeanor of every one within the walls of the church shall be
+reverent.
+
+It is proper to dress plainly and _neatly_ for church; to enter the
+portal quietly, to walk up the aisle in a leisurely but direct way, and
+be seated at once with an air of repose.  If cushions or books require
+rearranging, it should be done with as little effort as possible.
+Every movement should be quiet, and the rattling of fans and of books
+in the rack, and "fidgeting" changes of position should be avoided.
+The movements in rising, sitting, and kneeling should be deliberate
+enough for grace, and cautious enough to avert accidents, like hitting
+the pew-railings, knocking down umbrellas, or kicking over footstools.
+No sounds but the inevitable rustle of garments should attend the
+changes of posture during the service.  Not unfrequently several canes
+and as many hymn-books clatter to the floor with each rise of the
+congregation, because of somebody's nervous haste.  Children are often
+responsible for these little accidents, and of course are excusable,
+but they should be early taught to observe caution in these little
+matters.
+
+The clergyman should have the undivided attention of his hearers.
+During the lesson and the sermon, one should watch the face of the
+reader, or speaker, and give to the minister all the inspiration that
+an earnest expounder may find in the face of an intelligent listener.
+It is probably thoughtless, not intentional, disrespect--but still
+disrespect--for a person to spend "sermon time" studying the
+stained-glass windows or the symbolical fresco, interesting as these
+things may be.
+
+The singing of the choir may be good; if so, one should not listen to
+it with the air of a _connoisseur_ at a grand concert.  Or the singing
+may be very poor; that fact should not be emphasized by the scowling
+countenance of the critic in the pews.  A mind absorbed in true
+devotion does not measure church singing by secular standards.  The
+_spirit_ may be woefully lacking in the most artistic rendition: it may
+be vitally present in the most humble song of worship.  While we may
+with righteous indignation condemn the sacrilege of a _spiritless_ or
+irreverent singing of the sublime service of the church, it is very bad
+form to sneer at the earnest and sincere work of a choir whose
+"limitations," in natural gifts or culture, render their work somewhat
+commonplace.  It is good form to respect all that is _honest_ in
+religion, and to reserve sharp criticism for the shams and hypocrisies
+that cast discredit on the church.
+
+A regular "pew-owner" in a church should be hospitable to strangers,
+and cheerfully give them a place in his pew, offering them books and
+hymnals, and aiding them to follow the service if they seem to be
+unaccustomed to its forms.  At the same time it is only fair to say
+that this duty becomes a heavy tax on generosity and patience when, as
+in some very popular churches, a floating crowd of sight-seers each
+Sunday invade the pews, to the serious discomfort of the regular
+occupants.  People who attend church as strangers should remember that
+they do so by courtesy of the regular attendants.  A broad view of the
+church opening its doors to all the world is theoretically true, but
+practically subject to provisos.  A church visitor who observes much
+the same care not to be intrusive which good form would require him to
+observe if visiting at a private house, will usually be rewarded with a
+polite welcome.
+
+The stranger attending church should wait at the foot of the aisle
+until an usher conducts him to a seat, as the usher will know where a
+stranger can be received with least inconvenience to others in the pew.
+The stranger should not take possession of family hymn-books, or fans,
+or select the best hassock, or otherwise appropriate the comforts of
+the pew, unless invited to do so by the owner, whose guest he is, in a
+sense.  If attentions are not shown him, he must not betray surprise or
+resentment, nor look around speculatively for the hymn-book that is not
+forthcoming.  If the service is strange to him, he should at least
+conform to its salient forms, rising with the congregation, and not
+sitting throughout like a stolid spectator of a scene in which he has
+no part.
+
+The head should be bowed during the prayers, and the eyes at least
+_cast down_, if not closed.  To sit and stare at a minister while he is
+praying is a grotesque rudeness worthy of a heathen barbarian, yet one
+sometimes committed by the civilized Caucasian.  The incident may
+escape the knowledge of the well-mannered portion of the congregation,
+who are themselves bowed in reverent attitude; but the roving eye of
+some infant discovers the fact, and it is at once announced; and worst
+of all, the child unconsciously gets an influential lesson in
+misbehavior in church from the "important" man who thus disregards the
+proprieties.
+
+
+
+
+BEARING AND SPEECH
+
+Physical culture may be a "fad," but its aesthetic results are conceded.
+The graceful control of the body is the basis of a fine manner.
+
+It is an opinion of long standing that children should be taught to dance
+in order to develop grace of movement.  Yet dancing, _merely_, gives but
+a limited training of the muscles compared with the all-round exercise
+now taken in gymnasiums and classes for physical culture.  It is
+recommended that all who are deficient in "manner," or who suffer an
+embarrassing self-consciousness because of their awkwardness of pose or
+movement, should take a course of training under an intelligent teacher,
+until every muscle learns its proper office.  With the self-command which
+this training gives, ease of manner and dignity of bearing follow
+naturally; to say nothing of the serenity of mind that lies back of all
+this pleasing exterior.
+
+The effect of this bodily grace is to prepossess the beholder.  First
+impressions are received through the eye.  Before a word is spoken, the
+pose and carriage convey a significant announcement of character and
+breeding.
+
+A thorough practical knowledge of elocution and constant application of
+its principles to conversational utterances are requisite to refined
+speech.  Errors in pronunciation, hasty and indistinct enunciation, the
+dropping out of entire syllables in curt phrasing, are common faults of
+careless people _who know better_, and who would be very much chagrined
+to find themselves accounted to be as ignorant as their speech might
+indicate them to be.
+
+A varied vocabulary used with discrimination indicates intelligence and
+culture.  A single word uttered may reveal grace, or betray awkwardness.
+In the social interchange, one must not only suit the action to the word,
+but equally suit the word to the action.  Careless speech often belies
+civil intentions.
+
+Say "Thank-you," not "Thanks,"--a lazy and disrespectful abbreviation.
+If you say "Pardon me," let your manner indicate a dignified apology.  "I
+beg your pardon," is sometimes only the insolent preface to a flat and
+angry contradiction.  In most phrases of compliment, the words derive
+their real significance from the manner of the speaker.
+
+There is a difference of opinion as to whether people of social equality
+should add "Sir" and "Ma'am" to the responses "Yes" and "No"; and
+especially, whether children should be taught to do so.  The English
+fashion--largely copied by Americans--does not favor it.  Certainly,
+children can learn to say "Yes" and "No" with the courteous manner that
+implies all that the added "Sir" might convey.  But, are not some young
+Americans too ready to take advantage of this permitted lapse of verbal
+deference?  And, back of the verbal lapse is there not a distinct lapse
+of the deference itself?  It might be well to begin to counteract this
+irreverent tendency of the age, by cultivating a more respectful and
+appreciative spirit.  Then, the polite word will come spontaneously to
+the lips.  It will be a matter of morals, essentially: of manners,
+incidentally.
+
+Deplorable as a heedless curtness of speech is, it is hardly more
+unpleasant than the artificial mincing of words that some children are
+drilled into (or learn by imitation of their elders).  This superficial
+effusiveness, supposed to be "pretty" manners, is related more to
+subjective vanity than to objective courtesy.  Not allowed to say "Sir,"
+they substitute the name or title of the person addressed,--which, when
+introduced occasionally and unobtrusively, is a graceful personal
+recognition; but when overdone, as too often observed, the constant
+iteration of "Yes, Mr. Brown,"--"No, Mrs. Black," etc., grows to be a
+maddening exposition of precocious affectation.
+
+Having observed the vagaries of this fashion in phrasing for several
+years, I have come to the conclusion that the plain "Sir" of former
+times,--which, to the "well-brought-up" child, was a practical
+application of the Fifth Commandment,--is much to be preferred to the
+fussy elaboration of personal address that has superseded it.
+Indications at present are, that the old-fashioned "Sir" and "Madam" are
+coming into their own again, among truly courteous people.
+
+But whatever the fickle fashion of the hour may be, it is important to
+enforce the truth that the spirit of words and deeds is the essence of
+good manners.  If this right spirit be lacking, no words can fill the
+blank.  If an ugly spirit dwells within, no word of compliment can veil
+its evil face.
+
+But though the good spirit be there, with all its generous impulses and
+kindly feeling, it needs the concrete expression; otherwise, its very
+existence may remain unknown.  "A man that hath friends must show himself
+friendly."  Pose, bearing, facial expression, the winning smile,--all
+these are silently eloquent; but, to convey the perfect message from soul
+to soul, there must be added the "word fitly spoken."
+
+
+
+
+SELF-COMMAND
+
+A theme for a volume!  Briefly, it is the mark of a well-disciplined
+mind to be able to meet all emergencies calmly.  Though china break,
+and gravy spill, the hostess and the guest must not allow the accident
+to ruffle their perfect serenity of manner.  Nor is it merely a point
+of etiquette to be thus self-controlled.  Serious accidents sometimes
+happen, like the igniting of fancy lamp-shades or filmy curtains, and
+then the calm poise of a well-bred man becomes of practical value to
+himself and others.  A habit of keeping cool--formed originally for
+good manners' sake--may save one's life in some crisis of danger.
+
+Control of temper is one of the most valuable results of training in
+the etiquette of calm behavior.  Manifestations of ill-temper may be
+the occasional outburst of a spirit that dwells under the shadow of an
+ancestral curse, but which in its better moments grieves in sackcloth
+and ashes over its yielding to wild, ungovernable impulse.  Such people
+are often generous and self-sacrificing in the main, though causing so
+much sorrow and disaster to others by these occasional whirlwinds of
+passion.  In all that delicacy of feeling and usual regard for "the
+amenities" indicate, they are "well-bred."  To say that they are not is
+as ungenerous as to criticise the conduct of the insane.  But habitual,
+cold-blooded, and willful ill-temper--the trade-mark of unmitigated
+selfishness--is indisputably ill-bred.  Whatever the tendency,
+temperament, or temptation, good form requires the cultivation and the
+exhibition of good humor and a disposition to take a cheerful and
+generous view of people and things.
+
+This calm serenity does not mean weakness or moral cowardice.  The
+dignity that forbids one to be rude also forbids one to endure
+insolence.  A gentleman may scathe a liar in plain unvarnished terms,
+and yet not lose a particle of his own repose of manner; and the higher
+his own standards are, the more merciless will be his denunciation of
+what he holds to be deserving of rebuke.  But through it all, he has
+his own spirit well in hand, under curb and rein.  The ominous calm of
+a well-bred man is a terror to the garrulous bully.  It is "the triumph
+of mind over matter."
+
+Next to the etiquette of self-control--and, if anything, harder to
+comply with--is the etiquette of forbearance, which is often
+overlooked; for people who have high standards themselves are apt to be
+intolerant of gross offenders against social rules.  Those who by
+inheritance or by culture are blessed with a logical mind and an
+equable temper, should be lenient in judging cruder people, whose dense
+ignorance aggravating their malicious intent, causes them to do
+astounding violence to the principles of morality and etiquette alike,
+by exhibitions of ugly temper.  Only by making allowances can the
+conduct of some people be accounted less than criminal.
+
+Let all reflect that it is impossible to be a _lady_, or a _gentleman_,
+without _gentle_ manners.
+
+
+
+
+A FEW POINTS ON DRESS
+
+Perfect congruity is the secret of successful dressing.
+
+The first harmony to be observed is that between the dress and the
+wearer's purse.  Good form considers not merely what can be _paid for_
+without "going in debt," but what can be purchased without cramping the
+resources in some other direction and destroying the proper balance of
+one's expenditures.  The girl who uses a month's salary to buy one fine
+gown, and denies herself in the matter of needed hosiery to make up for
+the extravagance, is "dressing beyond her means," and is violating good
+form in so doing.  A simple gown that allows for all _suitable
+accessories_ is always lady-like.
+
+The second point of harmony is the appropriateness of dress to the
+occasion when it is worn.
+
+Dinners, balls, and formal receptions are occasions that call for
+handsome dress.  This may range in cost to include some very
+inexpensive but artistic costumes, the quality of good style not being
+confined to the richest fabrics.  But the inexpensive gown should have
+a character of its own, and not be suspected of any attempt to imitate
+its priceless rivals.
+
+The degree of full-dress worn at dinner varies with the formality of
+the occasion and the fashions prevailing in the social circle
+represented.  On very grand occasions a very rich and stylish costume
+may be required.  In general, a lady wears her choicest silk or velvet
+gown at a dinner.  The intrinsic value of the fabric is more important
+in dinner dress than in dress worn on other occasions, since the
+company are few in number and thrown into close proximity, where
+leisurely observation and criticism are inevitable.  A gown that would
+pass muster in a crowd, may not stand the calm scrutiny of the
+dinner-table fourteen.  The style of cut and the trimmings of a dinner
+gown may be as severely plain or as voluminously dressy as the
+character of the occasion and the _personnel_ of the company may
+indicate and the wearer's instinctive sense of propriety may suggest.
+
+A ball or a formal reception in the evening is a time to display one's
+prettiest gowns and all the jewels which one possesses.  Fabrics of
+infinite variety, from velvet and brocade to diaphanous tissues, are
+suitable; and the possibilities in trimmings, in lace and flowers and
+jeweled ornaments, are unlimited.  In the fancy costumes suitable for
+these showy occasions there is wide opportunity for the ingenious girl
+to make herself bewitching without greatly depleting her purse.  The
+most becomingly dressed woman is not always the most expensively
+dressed.  General effect strikes the eye of the observer who has not
+time to study special quality in the kaleidoscopic scene presented by
+the ball-room or reception throng.
+
+At an afternoon tea, the hostess should dress richly enough for
+dignity, but without ostentation.  As on all occasions, a woman should
+never be over-dressed in her own house.  Her gown should not be so
+gorgeous that any one of her guests, even the poorest, need feel
+embarrassed by the contrast.
+
+If several ladies join the hostess in receiving, they wear handsome
+reception toilets.  Other guests come in ordinary walking dress, but it
+should be stylish and well-kept.  A "second-best" gown, though neat
+enough for informal calls, may not be elegant enough for a tea or for
+formal visiting.  But if a lady's means are limited, and her
+well-preserved old gown is the best that she can command, perfect
+neatness and a delicate disposal of _lingerie_ will disguise the
+ravages of time, and make the "auld cla'es look a'maist as weel's the
+new."
+
+Indeed, effective dressing, ultimately resolved, is a matter of refined
+ingenuity.  As David, subtly endued with power, with a smooth stone
+from the brook vanquished the armor-clad Philistine giant, so the woman
+with a genius for the artistic details of dress, even though it be a
+last-year's gown, may triumph over another who has blindly clad herself
+according to the latest conventional pattern, but without regard to
+what is becoming to herself.
+
+Happy the woman whose bank account permits her to give perfect
+expression to her taste.  Not so happy, but still happy, the woman
+whose taste meets the emergency, despite a slender purse.  But oh! most
+miserable the woman of stolid, unimaginative nature, whose luxurious
+wardrobe suggests nothing but the dollar-mark.
+
+Not that I advance the poetical idea of "sweet simplicity" always and
+everywhere.  Not that the rich gown is in itself objectionable, or the
+inexpensive dress intrinsically beautiful.  It is not invariably true
+that "beauty unadorned is most adorned."  It is not true that a "simple
+calico" is more charming than a sheeny silk, nor is cotton edging to be
+compared with point or duchess lace.
+
+But the really beautiful in dress, as before stated, lies in its
+perfect congruity.  According to this standard, the calico is sometimes
+more effective than the silk, and _vice versa_; and neither is
+effective if worn at inappropriate times, or under unsuitable
+conditions.
+
+Fashion is _daring_, and every now and then announces some startling
+innovation in the way of gay street-dress.  But the public sentiment of
+refined people is so definitely fixed in favor of quiet dress for
+public thoroughfares that these "daring" fashions soon become the sole
+property of the ignorant class.
+
+Dress for church, or for business, should be plain in design, and
+subdued in color; and for most occasions when a lady walks to pay
+visits or calls, a plain tailor-made costume is most suitable.
+Carriage dress may be gayer in colors, and more dressy in style of cut
+and trimmings.
+
+When a party of ladies attend the theatre, unaccompanied by a male
+escort, or with no conveyance but the street-car, ordinary walking
+costume, with quiet bonnets or hats, is correct style.  Box parties,
+presumably arriving in carriages, may dress as prettily as they choose,
+subject to the general laws of taste.
+
+A woman should not mix up her wardrobe, and wear a theatre bonnet to
+church, or carry a coaching parasol to a funeral.
+
+Black, or very subdued colors, should be worn to a funeral.
+
+Any color, _except black_, may be worn by a guest at a wedding.  Black
+lace may be used in the trimmings of rich-colored gowns (though white
+lace is preferable); but solid black is not allowable.  Women who are
+wearing mourning sometimes lay it aside to attend a wedding,
+substituting a lavender or violet gown, or, in some places, a deep red,
+usually in some rich fabric, as velvet or plush.
+
+The etiquette of wearing mourning is less rigorous than formerly.  The
+tendency is more and more to leave the matter to individual feeling.
+When the mourning garb is adopted, the periods of wearing are shorter,
+and the phases of change from heaviest to lightest are fewer and less
+punctilious.
+
+Whether a full mourning dress of _crêpe_ be worn, or not, it is
+generally conceded that it is more respectful to wear plain black than
+to appear in colors during the months immediately following the death
+of a near relative.  The length of time that mourning dress should be
+worn is a matter of taste; but it should not be laid aside too soon, as
+though the wearing were an unpleasant duty; nor should it be worn too
+long, for the sombre robe has a depressing effect on others, especially
+invalids and children.
+
+Those who prefer to follow a strict law of etiquette in mourning will
+observe the following rules:
+
+A widow wears deep mourning of woolen stuffs and _crêpe_ for two years.
+
+Similar mourning is worn one year for a parent, or a brother or sister.
+
+For other near relatives, from three to six months, according to
+degrees of relationship, is considered a respectful period for mourning.
+
+A man's wife wears the same degrees of mourning for his near relatives
+that she would wear for members of her own family.
+
+In all cases, the mourning should be "lightened" by degrees.  Plain
+black silk, without _crêpe_, and trimmed with jet, belongs to a
+secondary period.  Changes are made gradually through black and white
+combinations, before colors are again worn.
+
+During the period of heavy mourning, it is not proper to attend the
+theatre or opera, or other gay place of amusement; nor to pay formal
+visits, or attend receptions, except it may be the marriage of a near
+friend, for which occasion the mourning dress is temporarily laid aside.
+
+As a matter of respect, no invitations of a gay social character are
+sent to the recently afflicted.  After three months, such invitations
+may be sent; of course, not with any expectation that they will be
+accepted, but merely to show that, though temporarily in seclusion, the
+bereaved ones are kindly remembered.
+
+For men the etiquette of mourning is less conspicuous but equally
+formal as far as it goes.  The periods of wearing mourning are usually
+shorter than those observed by women in similar cases, probably because
+the life of business men is not confined to the social world, and its
+restrictions are less binding upon them in details.
+
+At the funeral of a near relative, a man wears black, including gloves,
+and a mourning band around his hat.  Subsequently he may continue to
+wear black for several months, or, if this is not feasible, the
+hat-band of bombazine is accounted a sufficient mark of respect.  The
+width of the band may be graduated, sometimes covering the surface to
+within an inch of the top, sometimes being only two or three inches
+wide.
+
+As to the etiquette of men's dress in general, the tale is soon told.
+The "dress-suit" is worn only at dinner and in the evening.  At any
+hour after six o'clock, a man may with propriety appear anywhere in a
+dress suit, though it is _required_ only on formal occasions.  Before
+dinner, morning dress is worn--the frock coat, or a business suit with
+its four-buttoned cut-away.  As to the minute details of cut and
+dimensions, the prevailing style of linen and ties, etc.--very
+appropriately called "notions"--these things vary from season to
+season.  The well-dressed man will consult his tailor and furnisher.
+Hats, boots, and gloves, the extremes of every perfect costume, are
+important exponents of good style; and careful attention to their
+choice and wearing is essential to complete and effective dressing.
+
+
+
+
+PERSONAL HABITS
+
+Neatness in personal habits is the first mark of good breeding that
+strikes the observer.  Not that a dandy is always a gentleman; but an
+habitual sloven cannot be.  The clothing worn at work may be
+unavoidably soiled; as also the hands, when occupations involve the
+handling of dirty substances.  But "a little water clears us of this
+deed; how easy is't then!"
+
+The neatly-dressed hair, the fresh clean skin, the well-kept teeth, the
+smooth polished nails, the spotless linen and the tasteful tie, the
+well-brushed clothing and the tidy boots, are all points of good form
+in personal appearance.
+
+The toilet once made should be considered finished.  The hands should
+not stray to the hair to re-adjust hair-pins--an absent-minded habit.
+The nervous toying with ear-rings or brooches, or dress buttons, is
+another mannerism to be guarded against.  The hands should learn the
+grace of repose.  It is a great triumph of nervous control for a woman
+_to hold her hands still_ when they are not definitely employed.
+
+If the attitudes of sitting and standing are practiced under the
+direction of the teacher of "physical culture," one will probably be
+innocent of such solecisms as thrusting the feet out to display the
+shoes; sitting sideways, or cross-legged; or slipping half-way down in
+the chair; or bending over a book in round-shouldered position; rocking
+violently; beating a noisy tattoo with impatient toes; or standing on
+one foot with the body thrown out of line, etc., etc.
+
+Scratching the head or ears, and picking the teeth, are operations that
+are properly attended to in one's own dressing-room.  The conspicuous
+use of the handkerchief is in bad form.  Blowing the nose is not a
+pleasant demonstration at any time, and at the table is simply
+unpardonable.  A person of fastidious taste will take care of the nose
+in the quietest and most unobtrusive way, and refrain from disgusting
+other people of fastidious taste.
+
+"Familiarity breeds contempt."  Laying the hand upon another's head or
+shoulder, clinging to the arms or about the waist, is a freedom that
+only near relationship or close friendship will excuse.  Among slight
+acquaintances it is an unwarrantable liberty.  Even at the impulsive
+"school-girl age" young ladies should be taught to repel such
+under-bred familiarities.
+
+
+
+
+SOCIAL CO-OPERATION
+
+Those who accept a social invitation virtually pledge themselves to
+bear a part in making the entertainment an agreeable success.  Whether
+one's talent lies in conversation, or music, or in the rare gift for
+_commingling_ and promoting harmonies in a social gathering, he or she
+should feel bound to make some effort to add to the pleasure of the
+occasion.  Young men who attend private balls should be obliging about
+dancing, and amiably assist the hostess in finding partners for the shy
+or unattractive girls, who are liable to be neglected by selfish young
+people.
+
+_Not_ to make an effort to contribute to the success of the affair is a
+negative fault, perhaps.  But what shall we say of those whose
+influence is positively adverse?--those who attend a party with curious
+eyes bent upon picking flaws, and who indulge in jealous depreciation;
+or who, in a spirit of social rivalry, make a note of "points," with a
+view to outdoing the hostess in the near future.  Such a spirit--and
+its presence is not easily veiled--is a veritable Achan in the camp;
+and a few such rude people can poison the atmosphere of an otherwise
+genial reception.  Verily, they have their reward, for the stamp of
+ill-breeding is set on their querulous _little_ faces.
+
+But, if such spirits contribute nothing to the social fund,--because
+they have nothing to contribute,--you, who have, must do double duty.
+And nothing is more needed than tactful conversation.
+
+The oddest criticism that I have ever encountered from a reviewer was
+the laconic and cynical remark (commenting upon my rather altruistic
+belief in the duty of giving one's best thought to the conversational
+circle), that "Nowadays, people don't _talk_: if they have any good
+ideas, they save them and write them out and _sell them_."  The critic
+implied that, otherwise, in this age of universal scribbling, some
+plagiarist would appropriate these ideas and hurry them to the magazine
+market before the original thinker had time to fix the jewel in a
+setting of his own.
+
+Of course, the little brain thief is common enough; but it had never
+occurred to me to be so wary.  It struck me "with the full force of
+novelty," that any one should be deterred from speech by such a
+consideration.  I have since wondered whether that particular phase of
+serpent-wisdom accounts for the non-committal silences with which some
+well-known wits entertain the social circle, the while a despairing
+hostess is making the best of such help as a few lively chatterboxes
+can give her.  Not that I ever saw any notably superior talkers struck
+dumb in this way; Richard Brinsley Sheridan never was, if I recall
+correctly.  Why should _you_ be?  If your bright idea is stolen, you
+can spare it; if you are truly bright, you have many more where that
+one came from.
+
+But beware of forced brightness.  Wit is nothing if not spontaneous.
+If nature has not endowed you with the instantaneous perception of
+contrasts and incongruities, out of which flashes the swift conceit
+called wit, do not imagine you are "dull" or uninteresting.  There are
+other gifts and graces less superficial, far more rare, and ultimately
+more influential, than wit.
+
+And though you are witty, do not talk nonsense over-much.  Remember
+that it is the "_little_ nonsense now and then" that is "relished by
+the best of men."  It is perilously easy to weary people with the
+"smart" style of talk.  But let your cheerful sense, grave or gay, be
+as good an offering to your friends as you know how to make.  Your next
+special occasion--for which you might have "saved" all these
+things--will lose nothing of value.  It may rather gain fourfold, by
+the reflex inspiration that replenishes every unselfish outpouring of
+the nobler social spirit.
+
+
+
+
+ON THE WING
+
+Travelers have certain rights guaranteed by their regularly-purchased
+tickets.  Within such bounds they are privileged to claim all comforts
+and immunities.
+
+But the mannerly tourist will claim no more.  He will not take up more
+room than he is entitled to while other passengers are discommoded.
+Nor will he persist in keeping his particular window open when the
+draught and the cinders therefrom are troublesome or dangerous to other
+people.
+
+If travelers carry a lunch-basket, they should discuss its contents
+quietly, and be careful not to litter the floor with crumbs, or the
+_débris_ of fruits and nuts, nor to leave any trace of its presence
+after the luncheon is finished.
+
+If a lady is traveling under the escort of a gentleman, she will give
+him as little trouble as possible.  She will amuse herself by reading,
+or studying the landscape, leaving him at liberty to choose similar
+diversions when conversation grows tedious.  She will carry few
+parcels, and if possible will have arranged for some one to meet her at
+her station, so that her obliging guardian need not be taxed to look
+after her beyond the railway journey's end.  If the gentleman has
+attended to the purchase of tickets, and the paying of dining-car fees,
+etc., the lady will repay those expenditures, as a matter of course,
+thanking him for the trouble that he has taken to give her "safe
+conduct."
+
+A gentleman thus traveling as escort will attend to all matters of
+tickets, the checking of baggage, etc.; and will see that the lady is
+comfortably settled for her journey, with some thoughtful provision in
+the way of magazines, and possibly a basket of fine fruit.  He will see
+that the porter and the maid (if there is one) are attentive to her
+comfort, and will not relinquish his charge until he leaves her, either
+at her final destination, or in the care of some one authorized to
+relieve him of the responsibility.  He will perform all these duties
+cheerfully, and endeavor to convey the idea that it is a pleasure to
+him; and this will be better shown in his manner than by any
+conventional protestations.
+
+There ought not to be such a thing as "hotel manners."  But there is;
+and it suggests certain important injunctions.
+
+Hotel partitions are usually thin, and sounds are penetrating.  Private
+affairs should not be loudly discussed.  Tourists should learn to
+converse in quiet tones, and to make as little "racket" as possible
+with furniture, boots, etc., and to be polite enough not to keep other
+guests awake late at night with the noise of music, laughter, or loud
+talking.  The "manners" at table, in the reading-rooms, and about the
+corridors should conform to whatever law of etiquette in private or
+public life the incidents may indicate; since, at a hotel, one is both
+_at_ home and _not_ at home, in two different aspects.
+
+In driving with ladies, a gentleman gives them the seat facing the
+horses, riding backward himself if any one must.  He will alight from
+the carriage first, on the side nearest his seat, to avoid passing in
+front of the ladies; and will assist them to alight, giving as much or
+as little support as the case demands.  A light finger-tip on an elbow
+is all the help that a sprightly girl may need, but her grandmother may
+require to be tenderly lifted out bodily.  A gentleman will
+discriminate, and not use an uncalled-for familiarity in helping a lady
+out of a carriage.
+
+When several ladies are driving, the youngest ones in the party will
+ride backwards.  A hostess driving with her guests enters her carriage
+_after_ them, unless they are noticeably younger than she is; but she
+does not relinquish her usual seat to _any one_, unless she happens to
+have a party of venerable ladies.
+
+
+
+
+ETIQUETTE OF GIFTS
+
+Wedding presents should be chosen with due reference to the
+circumstances of the bride.  For the daughter of wealthy parents, who
+weds a husband of large means--and to whom all desirable _useful_
+things are assured--articles of _virtu_, and bewildering creations in
+the way of costly "fancy articles," are suitable wedding gifts.  For a
+quiet little bride who is going to housekeeping on a moderate income,
+articles that are useful as well as beautiful are appropriate and
+acceptable.  A handsome substantial chair, a cabinet for china, pretty
+china to put in it, some standard books, a set of fine table
+linen,--almost anything within the range of dainty house-furnishing
+shows the good taste of the giver.
+
+Presents that owe their creation to the ingenuity and labor of one's
+friends--as hand-painted screens or china, embroidered work, or, if one
+is artistic, a painting or etching--are peculiarly complimentary
+wedding gifts.
+
+In general, the exchange of gifts is desirable only between friends who
+care enough for each other not only to _give_, but to be willing to
+_accept_--the latter being a severer test of friendship.  Between two
+women, or between two men, these matters adjust themselves.
+
+A man should not offer valuable gifts to any lady outside of his own
+family, unless she is very much his senior, and a friend of long
+standing.  Similarly, a lady should not accept valuable gifts from a
+gentleman unless his relationship to her warrants it.  Trifling tokens
+of friendship or gallantry--a book, a bouquet, or a basket of
+bon-bons--are not amiss; but a lady should not be under obligation to a
+man for presents that plainly represent a considerable money value.
+
+When a gift is accepted, the recipient should not make too obvious
+haste to return the compliment, lest he or she seem unwilling to rest
+under obligation.  It is polite to allow a generous friend some space
+of time in which to enjoy the "blessedness of giving."
+
+"Independence" is an excellent thing; but it becomes peculiarly rude
+when it takes the form of refusing all trifling favors.  It is often
+the greatest wisdom as well as kindness, to allow some one to do us a
+favor.  Enemies have been transformed into friends by this tactful
+process; for, as one always hates one whom he has injured, so, on the
+reverse, he cannot help feeling an increased glow of kindliness toward
+one whom he has benefited.
+
+When some unsophisticated person innocently offers a gift that strict
+conventionality would forbid one to accept, it is sometimes better to
+suspend the rules and accept the token, than by refusal to hurt the
+feelings of one who has perhaps offended the letter, but not the
+spirit, of the law.
+
+Gifts of flowers to the convalescent--tokens that the busy outside
+world has not forgotten him--are among the most graceful expressions of
+courteous interest.  Any one--even a total stranger--may send these, if
+"the spirit moves," and the circumstances are such that the act could
+bear no possible misinterpretation.
+
+
+
+
+GALLANTRY AND COQUETRY
+
+That a man enjoys the society of a charming woman, that a woman
+delights in the conversation of a brilliant man, is no sign that either
+of them is a flirt.
+
+Few things are more vulgar than the readiness to infer a flirtation
+from every case of marked mutual interest between a man and a woman.
+The interchange of bright ideas, interspersed with the spontaneous
+sallies of gallantry and the instinctive _repartee_ of innocent
+coquetry--an archery of wit and humor, grave and gay,--this is one of
+the salient features of civilized social life.  It has nothing in
+common with the shallow travesty of sentiment that characterizes a
+pointless flirtation.  The latter is _bad form_ whenever and wherever
+existing.  A sincere sentiment is not reduced to the straits of
+expressing itself in such uncertain language.  It is fair to conclude
+that some insincerity, or some lack of a correct basis for sentiment,
+is betrayed in every pointless flirtation.  It is hopelessly bad form.
+Young people who gratify vanity by idle "conquests," so called, make a
+sufficiently conspicuous show of ill-breeding; but a _married flirt_ is
+worse than vulgar.
+
+A woman may accept every tribute that a chivalrous man may offer to her
+talent or wit, so long as it is expressed in a hearty spirit of good
+comradeship, and with a clear and unmistakable deference to her
+self-respecting dignity; but a well-bred woman will resent as an insult
+to her womanhood any quasi-sentimental overtures _from a man who has
+not the right to make them_.
+
+Etiquette requires that the association of men and women in refined
+circles shall be frank without freedom, friendly without familiarity.
+"Flirting" is a plebeian diversion.  Every well-bred woman is a queen,
+for whose sake every well-bred man will hold a lance in rets.
+
+
+
+
+IN CONCLUSION
+
+Since censoriousness is a quality utterly antagonistic to good manners,
+it is well to reflect that, while etiquette lays down many laws, it
+also indulgently grants generous absolution.  While we decide that
+certain forms and methods of action are _correct_ and _good form_, we
+must remember that all people, ourselves included, are liable to be
+occasionally remiss in little things, and that we must not too hastily
+decide a man's status on the score of breeding by his punctilious
+observance of conventional laws.  There are some requirements of
+etiquette that have their foundation in the idea of convenience or
+feasibility; others that are essentially requisite as the exponent of
+decency.  A man may easily be far from perfect in details of the former
+class, and yet be a refined gentleman; but he cannot offend in the
+latter class of instances without being a boor.  Something worse than
+eating with his knife must ostracize a man, and something no greater
+than spitting on the sidewalk should accomplish the feat at one fell
+stroke.
+
+There is an infallible constancy in good breeding.  Like charity, of
+which it is so largely an exponent, it "never faileth."  One's manner
+to two different people, respectively, may not be _the same_, but it
+should be _equally courteous_, whether it expresses the cordial
+friendliness of social equals or the just esteem of one either higher
+or lower than one's self in the social scale.  "No man is a hero to his
+_valet_," because the heroic is confined to great and rare occasions.
+But every gentleman is a _gentleman_ to his _valet_, for the qualities
+that distinguish the gentleman are every day and every hour manifested.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Etiquette, by Agnes H. Morton
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Etiquette, by Agnes H. Morton
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Etiquette
+
+Author: Agnes H. Morton
+
+Release Date: January 28, 2007 [EBook #20470]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ETIQUETTE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Al Haines
+
+
+
+
+
+ETIQUETTE
+
+BY
+
+AGNES H. MORTON
+
+
+AUTHOR OF
+
+"LETTER WRITING," "QUOTATIONS," &C.
+
+
+
+
+  GOOD MANNERS FOR ALL
+  PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY FOR
+  THOSE "WHO DWELL
+  WITHIN THE BROAD
+  ZONE OF THE AVERAGE"
+
+
+(REVISED EDITION)
+
+
+
+PHILADELPHIA
+
+THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+1919
+
+
+
+
+Copyright, 1892, By the Penn Publishing Company
+
+
+
+
+Contents
+
+
+         INTRODUCTION
+
+      I. ETHICS OF ETIQUETTE
+
+     II. VISITING CARDS
+
+           THE OFFICE OF THE VISITING CARD.  STYLE OF CARDS.
+           THE ENGRAVING OF VISITING CARDS.--
+             Cards for Men;
+             Cards for Women;
+             Cards for Young Women;
+             After Marriage Cards.
+           THE USE OF THE VISITING CARD.--
+             Calling in Person;
+             Card-leaving in Lieu of Personal Calls;
+             Cases in which Personal Card-leaving is Required;
+             Cards by Messenger or by Post;
+             Card-leaving by Proxy.
+           SOME FURTHER ILLUSTRATIONS OF CARD USAGE.
+
+
+    III. CEREMONIOUS CARDS AND INVITATIONS.  ETIQUETTE OF REPLIES.
+           THE "HIGH TEA," OR MUSICALE, ETC.
+           WEDDING INVITATIONS.
+           DINNER INVITATIONS.
+           LUNCHEON AND BREAKFAST INVITATIONS.
+
+
+     IV. THE CONDUCT OF A CHURCH WEDDING
+
+      V. ENTERTAINING
+
+     VI. AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS AND TEAS
+
+    VII. THE DINNER SERVICE
+
+           REQUISITES FOR THE DINING-TABLE.
+           THE FORMAL ARRANGEMENT OF THE DINNER-TABLE.
+           THE ARRIVAL OF GUESTS, MEANWHILE.
+           THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF DINNER.
+           THE SERVING OF THE DINNER.
+           MISCELLANEOUS POINTS.
+           DINNER-TABLE TALK.
+           INFORMAL DINNERS.
+
+   VIII. LUNCHEONS
+
+     IX. SUPPERS
+
+      X. BREAKFASTS
+
+     XI. EVENING PARTIES
+
+    XII. THE TWENTIETH CENTURY
+
+   XIII. "THE STRANGER THAT IS WITHIN THY GATES"
+
+    XIV. "MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME"
+
+     XV. "AS THE TWIG IS BENT"
+
+    XVI. SOCIAL YOUNG AMERICA
+
+   XVII. THE AMERICAN CHAPERONE
+
+  XVIII. GREETINGS.  RECOGNITIONS.  INTRODUCTIONS
+
+    XIX. BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC THOROUGHFARES
+
+     XX. IN PUBLIC ASSEMBLIES
+
+    XXI. BEARING AND SPEECH
+
+   XXII. SELF-COMMAND
+
+  XXIII. A FEW POINTS ON DRESS
+
+   XXIV. PERSONAL HABITS
+
+    XXV. SOCIAL CO-OPERATION
+
+   XXVI. ON THE WING
+
+  XXVII. ETIQUETTE OF GIFTS
+
+ XXVIII. GALLANTRY AND COQUETRY
+
+   XXIX. IN CONCLUSION
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+As a rule, books of etiquette are written from the standpoint of the
+ultra-fashionable circle.  They give large space to the details of
+behavior on occasions of extreme conventionality, and describe minutely
+the conduct proper on state occasions.  But the majority in every town
+and village are people of moderate means and quiet habits of living, to
+whom the extreme formalities of the world of fashion will always remain
+something of an abstraction, and the knowledge of them is not of much
+practical use except to the few who are reflective enough to infer
+their own particular rule from any illustration of the general code.
+
+Though it is interesting as a matter of information to know how a state
+dinner is conducted, still, as a matter of fact, the dinners usually
+given within this broad zone of "the average" are served without the
+assistance of butler, footman, or florist; innocent of wines and minus
+the more elaborate and expensive courses; and though served _a la
+Russe_ the service is under the watchful supervision of the hostess
+herself and executed by the more or less skillful hand of a demure
+maid-servant.  Yet, in all essential points, the laws of etiquette
+controlling the conduct of this simple dinner of the American democrat
+are the same as those observed in the ceremonious banquet of the
+ambitious aristocrat.  The degree of formality varies; the quality of
+courtesy is unchanging.
+
+Well-mannered people are those who are at all times thoughtfully
+observant of _little_ proprieties Such people do not "forget their
+manners" when away from home.  They eat at the hotel table as daintily
+and with as polite regard for the comfort of their nearest neighbor as
+though they were among critical acquaintances.  They never elbow
+mercilessly through crowded theatre aisles, nor stand up in front of
+others to see the pictures of a panorama, nor allow their children to
+climb upon the car seats with muddy or rough-nailed shoes; nor do a
+score of other things that every day are to be observed in public
+places, the mortifying tell-tale marks of an _habitual_ ill-manners.
+
+The importance of constant attention to points of etiquette cannot be
+too earnestly emphasized.  The long lecture of instruction to the
+little Ruggles', preparatory to their visit to the Birds, is a
+comical--if burlesque--illustration of the emergency that sometimes
+faces some people, that of suddenly preparing to "behave themselves" on
+a great occasion.  Although the little Ruggles' were fired with
+ambition to do themselves credit, their crude preparation was not equal
+to the occasion.  The best of intentions could not at once take the
+place of established custom.  One might as well hastily wrap himself in
+a yard or two of uncut broadcloth expecting it to be transformed, by
+instant miracle, into a coat.  The garment must be cut and fitted, and
+adjusted and worn for a space of time before it can become the
+well-fitting habit, worn with the easy grace of unconsciousness which
+marks the habitually well-mannered.
+
+In this brief volume I have endeavored to suggest some of the
+fundamental laws of good behavior in every-day life.  It is hoped that
+the conclusions reached, while not claiming to be either exhaustive or
+infallible, may be useful as far as they go.  Where authorities differ
+as to forms I have stated the rule which has the most widespread
+sanction of good usage.
+
+
+
+
+ETIQUETTE
+
+
+ETHICS OF ETIQUETTE
+
+Etiquette is the term applied to correct behavior in social life, and
+refers to the manner of actions and the expression of a proper social
+spirit through the medium of established forms and ceremonies.  Polite
+usage recognizes certain minute distinctions between the mannerly and
+the unmannerly ways of performing every act of life that affects the
+comfort and happiness of others.
+
+By one whose experience in life has been a hardening process tending in
+the direction of a crystallized selfishness the rules of etiquette are
+regarded with contempt and alluded to with a sneer.  No more
+disheartening problem faces the social reformer than the question how
+to overcome the bitter hostility to refined manners which marks the
+ignorant "lower classes."  On the other hand, there is no more hopeful
+sign of progress in civilization than the gradual softening of these
+hard natures under the influence of social amenities.  The secret of
+successful missionary work lies primarily, not in tracts, nor in
+dogmas, nor in exhortations, but in the subtle attraction of a refined,
+benevolent spirit, breathing its very self into the lives of those who
+have hitherto known only the rasping, grasping selfishness of their
+fellow-men, and to whom this new gospel of brotherly kindness and
+deference is a marvelous revelation and inspiration.  The result of
+such missionary work is a triumph of sanctified courtesy, a triumph not
+unworthy the disciples of Him who "went about doing good" while
+teaching and exemplifying the "golden rule" upon which all rules of
+etiquette, however "worldly," are based.
+
+Perhaps it may sometimes seem that there is little relation, possibly
+even some antagonism, between the sincerity of perfect courtesy and the
+proprieties of formal etiquette.  At times etiquette requires us to do
+things that are not agreeable to our selfish impulses, and to say
+things that are not literally true if our secret feelings were known.
+But there is no instance wherein the laws of etiquette need transgress
+the law of sincerity when the ultimate purpose of each action is to
+develop and sustain social harmony.
+
+Sometimes, for example, we invite people to visit us, and we pay visits
+in return, when both occasions are, on the face of it, a bore.  Yet
+there may be good reasons why we should sacrifice any mere impulse of
+choice and exert ourselves to manifest a hospitable spirit toward
+certain people who are most uncongenial to us.  Sometimes for the sake
+of another who is dear to us, and who, in turn, is attached to these
+same unattractive people, we make the third line of the triangle
+cheerfully, and even gladly, no matter how onerous the task, how
+distasteful the association forced upon us.  These are not happy
+experiences, but they are tests of character that we are all liable to
+meet and which prove a most excellent discipline if they are met with
+discretion and patience.  Moreover, in the conscientious effort to be
+agreeable to disagreeable people we are tacitly trying to persuade
+ourselves that they are not so disagreeable after all, and indeed such
+is our surprising discovery in many instances.  Let us hope that others
+who exercise a similar forbearance toward ourselves are equally
+flattering in the conclusions which they reach.
+
+Etiquette requires that we shall treat all people with equal courtesy,
+given the same conditions.  It has a tendency to ignore the
+individuality of people.  We may not slight one man simply because we
+do not like him, nor may we publicly exhibit extreme preference for the
+one whom we do like.  In both cases the rebel against the restraints of
+social mice shouts the charge of "insincerity."  Well, perhaps some of
+the impulses of sincerity are better held in check; they are too
+closely allied to the humoring of our cherished prejudices.  If "tact
+consists in knowing what not to say," etiquette consists in knowing
+what not to do in the direction of manifesting our impulsive likes and
+dislikes.
+
+Besides, etiquette is not so much a manifestation _toward others_ as it
+is an exponent of _ourselves_.  We are courteous to others, first of
+all, because such behavior only is consistent with our own claim to be
+well-bred.
+
+Bearing this in mind we can behave with serenity in the presence of our
+most aggravating foe; his worst manifestation of himself fails to
+provoke us to retort in kind.  We treat him politely, not because he
+deserves it, but because we owe it to ourselves to be gentle-mannered.
+Etiquette _begins at self_.  There is no worthy deference to others
+that does not rest on the basis of self-respect.
+
+  "To thine own self be true;
+  And it must follow, as the night the day,
+  Thou canst not then be false to any man."
+
+
+It is a superficial judgment that descries nothing but insincerity in
+the unvarying suavity of a well-bred manner; that regards the
+conventional code of behavior as merely a device for rendering social
+life artificial.  The _raison d'etre_ is always to be found in the
+established rules of etiquette; and probably the most exacting and
+seemingly unnecessary of formalities has its foundation in some good
+common sense principle not far removed in spirit from "the rule golden."
+
+In short, manners and morals are twin shoots from the same root.  The
+essentially well-bred man is he whose manners are the polite expression
+of moral principle, magnanimity, and benevolence.
+
+
+
+
+VISITING CARDS
+
+THE OFFICE OF THE VISITING CARD
+
+The personal, or visiting, card is the representative of the individual
+whose name it bears.  It goes where he himself would be entitled to
+appear, and in his absence it is equivalent to his presence.  It is his
+"double," delegated to fill all social spaces which his
+variously-occupied life would otherwise compel him to leave vacant.
+
+Since the card is to be received as the equivalent of one's self, it is
+important that it shall be discreetly sent upon its embassy.  In every
+case where personal cards are correctly used the owner is accredited
+with having performed _de facto_ whatever the card expresses for him,
+be it a "call," a "regret," a "congratulation," an "apology," an
+"introduction," a "farewell-taking," or whatever.
+
+The rules guiding the uses of visiting cards are based upon this idea
+of representation.  The deputy is on duty only in the absence of his
+superior, so the card is usually superfluous when the owner himself is
+present.
+
+A card sent at a wrong time suggests the possibility that the owner
+might blunder similarly in his personal appearing.  The neglect to send
+a card at a proper time is equivalent to a _personal_ neglect.  The man
+who comes himself and hands you his card also is apt to have too many
+elbows at a dinner, too many feet at a ball.  He has about him a
+suggestion of awkward superfluousness that is subtly consistent with
+his duplicate announcement of himself.
+
+For want of the much-needed genderless singular pronoun I have been
+using the masculine form; but upon reflection I remember that it is the
+women of society who have the most diverse responsibility in the
+management of personal cards, their duties extending even to the care
+and oversight of the cards of their socially careless and negligent
+male relatives.  But no matter who attends to the proprieties, the
+relation of the card to its owner is the same in all cases.  If his
+card blunders, he gets the discredit of it.  If his card always
+flutters gracefully into the salver at exactly the right time and
+place, the glory is all his own, even though his tireless wife or
+mother or sister has done all the hard thinking bestowed on the matter.
+Happy the man allied by the ties of close kindred to a gifted society
+woman, for lo! his cards shall never be found missing, wherever _he_
+may stray.
+
+
+STYLE OF CARDS
+
+The prevailing shape of cards for women is nearly square (about 2 1/2 x
+3 inches).  A fine dull-finished card-board of medium weight and
+stiffness is used.
+
+A man's card is smaller, and narrower proportionately; and is of
+slightly heavier card-board.
+
+The color is pearl white, not cream.  Tinted cards are not admissible.
+
+The engraving is plain script, or elaborate text; as the fashion may
+for the time decree.
+
+The responsibility of furnishing the correct style of card rests with
+the engraver, whose business it is to know the ruling fashion of the
+day.  Any one may have an elegant card by intrusting the choice to a
+first-class stationer.  But it is not half the battle to secure an
+elegant card.  An elegant use of the card distinguishes the
+well-informed in social usage.  This distinction shows when the
+distribution of cards begins.
+
+
+
+THE ENGRAVING OF VISITING CARDS
+
+CARDS FOR MEN
+
+If the surname is short, the full name may be engraved.  If the names
+are long, and the space does not admit of their full extension, the
+initials of given names may be used.  The former style is preferred,
+when practicable.
+
+In the absence of any special title properly accompanying the name--as
+"Rev.," "Dr.," "Col.," etc.,--"Mr." is always prefixed.  Good form
+requires this on an engraved card.  If in any emergency a man _writes_
+his own name on a card he does _not_ prefix "Mr."
+
+What titles may properly be used on a man's visiting-card?  The
+distinctions made in the use of titles seem arbitrary unless some
+reason can be discovered.
+
+The rule should be, to omit from visiting-cards all titles that signify
+_transient offices_, or _occupations not related to social life_; using
+such titles only as indicate a rank or profession that is _for life_;
+and which has become a part of the man's _identity_, or which is
+distinctly allied to his _social conditions_.
+
+To illustrate:--The rank of an officer in the army or the navy should
+be indicated by title on his card, his connection with the service
+being _for life_, and _a part of his identity_.  His personal card is
+engraved thus: "General Schofield"--the title in full when only the
+surname is used; or, "Gen. Winfield Scott," "Gen. W. S. Hancock"--the
+title abbreviated when the given names, or their initials, are used.
+The first style is appropriate to the Commander-in-chief, or the senior
+officer; or in any case where no other officer of the same name and
+rank is on the roster.
+
+Officers on the retired list, and veteran officers of the late war who
+rose from the volunteer ranks, retain their titles by courtesy.  And
+very appropriately so, since the war record of many a gallant soldier
+is inseparable from the man himself, in the minds of his
+fellow-citizens.  He may have retired to private life again, but his
+distinguished services have outlived the brief hour of action; and his
+hero-worshiping countrymen will always recognize him in his most
+salient character, "every inch a soldier."  It is quite impossible to
+call him "Mr.," or at once to know who is meant if his card reads--for
+instance--"Mr. Lucius Fairchild."  Nothing but the title of his
+well-earned rank gives an adequate idea of the man.
+
+The official cards of political officers and ambassadors, which bear
+the title and office of the man--with or without his name--should be
+used only on official or State occasions, and during the term of
+office.  When the incumbent "steps down and out," this card is also
+"relegated."  His friends may continue to greet him as "Governor," but
+he no longer _uses_ the title himself.  In strictly social life, the
+personal card of the ex-Governor is like that of any other private
+citizen, subject to the same rules.
+
+Similarly, professional or business cards that bear ever so slight an
+advertisement of occupations are not allowable for social purposes.
+
+The three "learned" professions, theology, medicine, and law, are
+equally "for life."  But the occupation of the lawyer is distinctly
+related to business matters, and not at all to social affairs.  His
+title, or sub-title, _Esquire_, is properly ignored on his
+visiting-card, and socially he is simply "Mr. John Livingstone."  On
+the other hand, the callings of the clergyman and the physician
+respectively, are closely allied to the social side of life, closely
+identified with the man himself.  Therefore "Rev.," or "Dr." may with
+propriety be considered as forming an inseparable compound with the
+name.  The title is an important identifying mark, and its omission, by
+the clergyman, at least, is not strictly dignified.  "Office hours" are
+not announced on a physician's social card.
+
+It is not good form to use _merely honorary titles_ on visiting-cards.
+In most cases, a man should lay aside all pretension to special office
+or rank, and appear in society simply as "Mr. John Brown," to take his
+chances in the social world strictly on his own merits; assured that if
+he has any merit, other people will discover it without an ostentatious
+reminder of it in the shape of a pompous visiting-card.  Of course this
+suggestion of democratic simplicity refers to the engraving of _one's
+own card_; other people _address_ the man properly by his official or
+honorary title, with all due respect for the worth which the world
+recognizes--even though the wearer of such honors ignores his own claim
+to high distinction.  "Blow your own trumpet, if you would hear it
+sound," is a sharply sarcastic bit of advice, since only hopeless
+mediocrity could ever profit by the injunction.  Real merit needs no
+trumpeter.  Mrs. Grant could afford to call her husband "Mr." Grant, as
+was her modest custom; because all the world knew that he was the
+General of our armies, and the President of the republic.  It is some
+"Mayor Puff," of Boomtown, who can hardly be persuaded by the engraver
+from giving himself the satisfaction of incidentally announcing on his
+visiting-cards the result of the last borough election.
+
+A man's address may be engraved beneath his name at the lower right
+corner, the street and number _only_ if in a city, or the name of a
+country-seat if out of town; as, "The Leasowes."  Bachelors who belong
+to a club may add the club address in the lower left corner; or, if
+they live altogether at the club, this address occupies the lower right
+corner.  An engraved address implies some permanency of location.
+Those who are liable to frequent changes of address would better omit
+this addition to the visiting-card, writing the address in any
+emergency that requires it.
+
+No _messages_ are _written_ on a man's card, and no penciling is
+allowed, except as above, to give (or correct) the address, or in the
+case of "_P. p. c._" cards, sent by post.
+
+
+CARDS FOR WOMEN
+
+The rules in regard to titles are simple and brief.
+
+A woman's name should never appear on a visiting-card without either
+"Mrs." or "Miss" prefixed.  The exception would be in the case of women
+who have regularly graduated in theology or medicine.  Such are
+entitled, like their brothers, to prefix "Rev." or "Dr." to their names.
+
+A married woman's card is engraved with her husband's name, with the
+prefix "Mrs."  No matter how "titled" the husband may be, his _titles_
+do not appear on his wife's visiting-card.  The wife of the President
+is not "Mrs. President Harrison," but "Mrs. Benjamin Harrison."  She is
+the wife of the _man_, not the wife of his _office_ or his _rank_.
+
+A widow may, if she prefers, retain the card engraved during her
+husband's lifetime, unless by so doing she confuses her identity with
+that of some other "Mrs. John Brown," whose husband is still living.
+It is more strictly correct for a widow to resume her own given name,
+and to have her card engraved "Mrs. Mary Brown," or, if she chooses to
+indicate her own patronymic, "Mrs. Mary Dexter Brown."
+
+An unmarried woman's card is engraved with her full name, or the
+initials of given names, as she prefers, but always with the prefix
+"Miss" (unless one of the professional titles referred to takes its
+place).
+
+The address may be engraved or written in the lower right corner.
+
+If a society woman has a particular day for receiving calls, that fact
+is announced in the lower left corner.  If this is engraved, it is
+understood to be a fixed custom; if written, it may be a transient
+arrangement.  If a weekly "at home" day is observed, the name of the
+day is engraved, as "Tuesdays."  This means that during "calling hours"
+on _any_ Tuesday the hostess will be found at home.  If hours are
+limited, that is also indicated, as "from 4 to 6."  Further limitations
+may be specified, as "Tuesdays in February," "Tuesdays until Lent,"
+"Tuesdays after October," etc.  Any definite idea of time may be given
+to meet the facts, the wording being made as terse as possible.  If the
+regular "at home" day is Tuesday (unlimited), and the card is so
+engraved, any of the special limitations may be penciled in to meet
+special conditions.  Sometimes an informal invitation is thus conveyed;
+as, by the addition, "Tea, 4 to 6," etc.
+
+_Other penciling_.--Cards left or sent, before leaving town, have "_P.
+p. c._"--(_Pour prendre conge_)--penciled in the lower left corner.
+
+A holiday, a birthday, a wedding anniversary, or other event in a
+friend's life may be remembered by sending a card, upon which is
+penciled "Greeting," "Congratulations," "Best wishes," or some similar
+expression.  Such cards may be sent alone, or may accompany gifts.
+
+Any brief message may be penciled on a woman's card, provided the
+message is sufficiently personal to partake of the nature of a social
+courtesy.  But the card message should not be sent when courtesy
+requires the more explicit and respectful form of a _note_.
+
+
+CARDS FOR YOUNG WOMEN
+
+In strictly formal circles a young woman, during her first year in
+society, pays no visits alone.  She accompanies her mother or chaperon.
+She has no separate card, but her name is engraved, or may be written,
+beneath that of her mother (or chaperon) on a card employed for these
+joint visits.  After a year or so of social experience (the period
+being governed by the youth or maturity of the debutante, or by the
+exigency of making way for a younger sister to be chaperoned), the
+young woman becomes an identity socially, and has her separate card,
+subject to the general rules for women's cards, even though she
+continues to pay her most formal visits in company with her mother.
+
+
+AFTER MARRIAGE CARDS
+
+During the first year after marriage cards engraved thus: "Mr. and Mrs.
+Henry Bell Joyce," may be used by the couple in paying calls, or
+returning wedding civilities.  Such cards are also used when jointly
+sending presents at any time.  For general visiting, after the first
+year, husband and wife have separate cards.
+
+
+THE USE OF THE VISITING-CARD
+
+A too profuse use of visiting-cards indicates crudity.  The trend of
+fashion is toward restricting the quantity of paste-board, and
+employing cards always when they are required, never when they are
+superfluous.
+
+
+CALLING IN PERSON
+
+When one calls in person the name of the caller is given verbally to
+the servant who opens the door.  The card is not usually sent up,
+except by a stranger.  But sometimes there is difficulty in making the
+servant understand the name or properly distinguish it from some other
+similar name.  In this case to avoid mistakes the card is sent up.
+
+If the hostess is not at home a card is left by the disappointed caller.
+
+On the occasion of a _first_ call a card is left on the hall table, or
+other place provided, _even though the caller has been received by the
+hostess_.  This serves as a reminder that the acquaintance has been
+duly and formally begun.
+
+On the occasion of subsequent calls, when the hostess is at home, no
+cards are employed, except, as before stated, to avert servants'
+mistakes.  Such is the sensible dictum of good authorities, and one in
+harmony with the idea that the personal card is the _representative_ of
+its owner, not his _accompaniment_.
+
+This idea is more pointedly illustrated in quiet neighborhoods, where
+even the wealthy live simply of choice, and, like their neighbors of
+moderate means, employ but one domestic, or, it may be, none.  In such
+households often the guest is met at the door by a member of the
+family, possibly the hostess herself.  The use of a visiting-card then
+is plainly incongruous, not to say absurd.  The visitor who is paying a
+"first call" under these informal conditions may find opportunity to
+drop a card unobtrusively into the basket, if such receptacle be within
+reach; but if this cannot be done without conspicuous effort the card
+is better ignored, and its place as a remembrancer filled by the genial
+impression which the visitor leaves, and of which an appreciative
+hostess needs no card reminder.  Besides, people "living quietly" visit
+so little, comparatively, that it is no severe tax on the memory to
+recollect who has called, especially as the infrequency of calls gives
+ample time for each one to make an individual impression.  This is not
+possible when a steady stream of visitors is pouring in and out of a
+drawing-room on a fashionable woman's "at home" day, scarcely giving
+the hostess opportunity to gaze upon one face before another has
+displaced it; so that at the end of the hour her memory recalls a
+composite photograph.  Cards are her indispensable aids in resolving
+this picture into its component elements.  But those who "live
+quietly," receiving but few calls, have no such bewildering complexity
+to deal with.
+
+At the same time, these people thus quietly environed may represent the
+most refined and cultivated circle.  They may know perfectly well what
+formal etiquette would demand in the matter of cards if the conditions
+were more formal.  The omission of cards whenever their use would be
+forced, so far from indicating ignorance, is a proof of discrimination.
+
+Personal calls are made in the following cases:
+
+In returning a first visit, made in person.
+
+After a dinner party to which one has been invited, whether the
+invitation was accepted or not.
+
+After any entertainment other than a dinner it is allowable to leave or
+send cards instead of paying a personal call.  This is a wise rule in
+cases where a hostess, has a long visiting list, and entertains
+frequently.  To receive afterward personal visits from all of her
+guests would be practically impossible.  The majority will express
+their acknowledgments by card, leaving it to the most intimate friends
+of the hostess to pay their respects in person.  But among quiet
+people, where one "Tea" is the extent of a hostess' efforts for the
+season, the personal call is desirable as showing greater respect and
+friendliness.  Among congenial friends only the plea of a busy life can
+make the card acknowledgment quite as graceful and acceptable as the
+personal visit.  But if the guest is a comparative stranger, and, for
+any reason, there is a wish not to extend the acquaintance, the sending
+of a card meets all the requirements of etiquette, without committing
+the sender to any further intimacy.
+
+(The alternative for personal calls, is personal card-leaving; the next
+point to be considered.)
+
+
+CARD-LEAVING IS LIEU OF PERSONAL CALLS
+
+When personal calls are not practicable, nor desirable, the leaving of
+cards is accepted as an equivalent.
+
+A few years ago, fashion demanded that all visiting-cards expressing or
+acknowledging social civilities should be left in person; the
+alternative in emergencies being to send them by the hand of a private
+messenger, never through the post-office.  There was good excuse for
+this fashion in our grandmother's day, when the post was a slow coach,
+or a storm-stayed postillion; but the admirable system of our postal
+service to-day leaves no excuse for the prejudice in favor of the
+private messenger; and it is not surprising that fashion has yielded to
+common sense in allowing that many of these cards of courtesy may, with
+perfect propriety, be sent by post.
+
+The following instances illustrate the present correct usage in regard
+to these three ways of leaving cards.
+
+
+CASES IN WHICH PERSONAL CARD-LEAVING IS REQUIRED
+
+After a _first hospitality_, whether accepted or not.
+
+Calls of condolence.
+
+After-dinner calls by cards.
+
+_Alternative_.--In such cases, when _personal_ card-leaving is
+_impossible_, the card is sent by a private messenger, and an
+explanation, or apology, is sent by _note_.
+
+Cards of condolence may be sent by _post_ by friends at a distance; but
+not by persons residing in the near vicinity.
+
+
+CARDS BY MESSENGER, OR BY POST
+
+In all cases where personal card-leaving is not imperative, cards may
+be sent either by messenger or by post.
+
+As the former is still regarded by many persons--especially elderly
+people--as the only strictly polite medium of transfer, it is
+considerate to send cards, invitations, etc., to such people by the
+good old-fashioned messenger, rather than to shock unnecessarily a
+crystallized sense of propriety by ruthless innovations.  But in
+general it is more convenient and quite as neat and reliable to send by
+post; and the fashion of so doing is now fully adopted by the younger
+generation, and no longer subject to criticism.
+
+In stating what _may_ be done, in the way of escaping personal tasks,
+we are merely marking the bounds of propriety in one direction.  On the
+other hand, in most cases, those who choose may make personal calls
+instead of those several formal card-leavings.  When good form allows
+alternatives, each one must judge for himself which form of expression
+is most appropriate in any given case.  Frank cordiality, amounting to
+informality, may be in the best taste in some oases; whereas, in other
+instances, only the most conventional and reserved expression of
+respect is either agreeable or discreet.  In the latter case, let your
+card speak _for_ you, and at "long range"--the longer the better.
+
+
+CARD-LEAVING BY PROXY
+
+One of the peculiar permissions of "good form" is that which allows a
+man to delegate the distribution of his visiting-cards to a near female
+relative, whenever it becomes impracticable for him to attend to the
+matter personally.  Only the women of his own household, or a relative
+with whom he habitually pays visits, can thus represent a man by proxy.
+
+In this country, where most society men--certainly the better
+element--are "business men," whose days are filled with earnest work
+and crowned with the achievements of industry, it is not to be expected
+that men of affairs will always be ready to respond to social
+invitations, or to pay all the calls of civility which fashion decrees
+shall be paid during the hours usually devoted to business.  In theory,
+each man and woman in society is supposed to attend to his or her own
+social duties.  _While it is expected that a man will make all
+reasonable effort to do this, and that he will not altogether neglect
+it_, still, so long as he occasionally appears personally, with a
+genial demeanor that proves the sincerity of his "good intentions," it
+will be accepted in good part if, in a large number of instances, his
+card, instead of himself, appears, brought by another hand.  But let
+men remember that the "good excuse" must be obvious.  Any suspicion of
+indifference robs the proxy card-leaving of all effect as a compliment.
+
+In case a man is legitimately prevented, by business cares, from paying
+calls or leaving his cards in person, it is proper for his wife or
+mother or sister, or other near relative, to leave or send his card
+with her own.  When a woman calls upon another woman she leaves her
+husband's card.  If the hostess is married, a second card is left for
+the host.  She may leave the cards of a son, a brother, or other
+relative, if such responsibility rests upon her.  This formality should
+be observed when paying the first call of the season.
+
+While every well-informed woman should know that it is her place to
+leave her husband's cards for him, it is a fact that many women,
+otherwise attentive to social forms, habitually neglect this particular
+duty.  The result is that the man who has not time to pay visits
+becomes a social nonentity, and society, in some circles, is simply a
+"world of women."  Why does the husband, thus neglected, get out of
+going to the occasional party whenever he can, and when he does allow
+himself to be dragged thither, why does he sulk, leaning against a
+chilly mantel-piece, eying his fragile coffee cup with disdain, and
+enacting the _role_ of martyr generally, until he can persuade his wife
+to go home again?  Why, indeed; but because he feels out of place.  His
+rare and incidental appearance is a journey into a far country, of
+which he has little knowledge, and in which he has no interest.  But
+when a man goes--ever so seldom--where he knows that his card
+_habitually_ goes, he feels that he is on familiar ground, and he will
+go in person, of choice, oftener than he otherwise would.
+
+Some men, unaccustomed to exact social observances, would ridicule the
+idea at first, if their wives should announce the intention of leaving
+their husband's cards for them.  But, however much a man might demur, a
+lurking vanity would develop into complacent satisfaction, as he became
+aware of the increasing geniality of the social atmosphere about him;
+and the pleasing glow would take the ultimate form of gratitude to his
+wife.
+
+That the permission to leave cards by proxy is often abused by selfish
+and indolent men is no doubt true.  But the social advantage which it
+gives to a large class of men who are neither selfish nor indolent more
+than counterbalances any disadvantages, and saves to "society" a solid
+element that might be entirely given over to business, if it were not
+for judicious feminine co-operation in the distribution of
+visiting-cards.
+
+"Solid" men would go "into society" far more frequently and with
+greater alacrity if they felt assured that the way had been smoothly
+paved with their own visiting-cards, well laid in place by the deft
+fingers of their skillful women folk, who have left no flaw in the
+mosaic of social proprieties.
+
+
+SOME FURTHER ILLUSTRATIONS OF CARD USAGE
+
+When a married, or elderly woman tacitly invites a man to call on her
+by telling him what are her "at home" days or hours, it is obligatory
+upon him to acknowledge the courtesy.  If unable to call personally he
+should explain that fact and express regret, and should be particular
+to send a card on her next receiving day during the hours that she has
+mentioned.  It is a special courtesy to send also a card for her
+husband, if he is a venerable man, or if, by reason of ill health, he
+is usually at home.
+
+A woman older, or busier, or occupying some position of acknowledged
+distinction, may send her card, indicating her receiving days and
+hours, to a younger or less occupied woman.  This is accepted as a
+call, and an invitation to return the same.  If the recipient chooses
+she may respond in person.  If she does not care to establish a calling
+acquaintance she may respond by sending one of her own cards on the
+receiving day.  In case opportunity occurs for explanation some polite
+reason may be given for not adding to one's visiting list; but unless
+one has the tact to do this without snobbishness, it were better to
+keep silence.
+
+Cards of introduction are simply visiting-cards upon which the owner
+writes, above his own name, "Introducing Mr. ----."  The card is
+inclosed in an unsealed envelope, addressed to the person to whom the
+introduction is to be made, and with the words "Introducing Mr. ----,"
+written in the lower left corner.  It is a delicate matter to refuse a
+card or letter of introduction, but it is a far more delicate matter to
+take the _liberty_ to give one.  If one is in doubt about the readiness
+of the third party to receive the person introduced it is better to
+find some polite excuse for declining to be the medium of the
+introduction.  Fortunately, if the blunder is made of introducing
+uncongenial people they can easily drift apart again without rudeness
+on the part of either.
+
+When any one is invited to a church wedding and cannot attend it is
+proper to send, on the day of the marriage, a card or cards to those
+who issued the invitations; one card, if one parent, or a guardian,
+invites; if the invitation is sent in the names of both parents, a card
+for each, inclosed in an envelope and addressed to both.  If the
+invited guest attends the wedding he leaves or sends cards within a
+week, similarly addressed.  A personal call is allowable if intimacy
+warrants it.  Those friends of the groom who are not acquainted with
+the bride's family should merely send cards.
+
+When a man wishes to make the acquaintance of another man he may call
+and send in his card.  This may or may not be accompanied with some
+explanatory message.  If the man on whom the call is made does not wish
+to receive the caller he will express some polite reason for declining,
+or suggest another time for receiving the visitor.  Usually a man will
+receive another man who makes polite overtures; but if the host does
+not wish to continue the acquaintance he will not return the call in
+person, but simply send his card by post.  This distant rejoinder
+practically ends the brief acquaintance without any discourteous
+rebuff.  It is one of the mistakes of the vulgar to be rude and gruff
+in order to repel an undesired acquaintance.  In reality, nothing
+freezes out a bore more effectually than the icy calm of dignified
+courtesy.  There are exquisitely polite ways of sending every
+undesirable person to limbo.  The perfect self-command of the well-bred
+man enables him to do this to perfection, but without giving offense.
+Moreover, as most people worth seeking are men and women of earnest
+lives and crowded occupations, no one need feel personally chagrined by
+the failure to establish a coveted acquaintance with some gifted man or
+woman.
+
+Cards of condolence are left as soon as possible after learning of the
+affliction.  If in town, cards are left in person or sent by a
+messenger with a message.  If out of town a card is sent by the first
+post.  Nothing is written upon these cards.
+
+A visiting card, with "Congratulations" written upon it, is sent to
+felicitate a friend upon any happy event in which friends may
+sympathize.  Such cards are sent by messenger or by post.  If a card is
+left in person with a kind message, nothing is written upon the card.
+
+When a man calls and sees his hostess, but not the host, he should
+leave a card for the latter.  If the hostess is not at home, two cards
+should be left.
+
+When a man entertains formally, each man invited, whether he accepts or
+not, should acknowledge the courtesy within a week.  He may call in
+person, or leave a card, or send a card by mail, or write a note of
+thanks, whichever he prefers.  This is one of the important formalities
+between men, and the neglect of it argues either ignorance or insolence.
+
+When a man calls upon a woman while she is the guest of a family with
+whom he is not acquainted, he inquires for both his friend and her
+hostess, and, as he is a stranger in the house, he sends up a card for
+each (instead of announcing himself _verbally_, as at the house of a
+friend).  If the hostess receives him on this occasion, but extends no
+further hospitality, he has no claim upon her recognition beyond the
+hour.  If the hostess subsequently offers him any hospitality during
+the time his friend is her guest he must call upon her; but if he
+defers this until after the departure of the guest, he must leave a
+card for the hostess without intruding a personal call, unless he has
+been distinctly invited to continue the acquaintance.  If the man who
+pays the call does not wish to continue the acquaintance with his
+friend's hostess, after she has offered him hospitality, he must at
+least call and leave a card for her, with a polite inquiry for her
+health.  This is obligatory; but nothing further is required.
+
+A visiting card is employed in sending informal invitations to a tea or
+afternoon reception.  The care of the hostess is used, and in addition
+to the name of the regular receiving day the special date, as "January
+19," and some other specific words, as "Tea, 4 to 6," are written in
+the lower left corner.  (In this informal _written_ message _numbers_
+are indicate by _figures_, where _formal_ invitations require the
+_words_ to be written in full.)  This card is accepted by the
+recipients as equivalent to a call paid by the sender, and they respond
+in person at the time indicated, leaving cards with the servant as they
+enter, and also, on their departure, leaving the cards of such male
+members of their respective families as have been invited, but are
+unable to attend.  As few men can leave business at this hour these
+occasions become prominent illustrations of "proxy" card-leaving.  If
+any one invited cannot be present (and in case of a man no female
+relative is there authorized to represent him) a card must be sent by
+post or messenger on the receiving day.
+
+After a change of residence, or after a prolonged absence from home,
+cards of the entire family are sent to notify an acquaintance of their
+re-establishment and of their readiness to resume the social
+interchange.
+
+It is customary for the younger society men to pay a round of calls
+after returning from the usual summer "outing," or to leave cards in
+lieu of a call.
+
+When leaving for a long absence, or when parting from transient, but
+agreeable acquaintances, as companion tourists, etc., when time does
+not admit of farewell calls, visiting-cards are sent by post with "P.
+p. c." (_Pour prendre conge_--to take leave) written upon them.  This
+is equivalent to saying, "If ever we meet again we will meet on the
+footing of friends, not strangers."  It is a pleasant way of showing
+appreciation of the pleasure afforded by another's society, and the
+formality should not be neglected by one who would be esteemed
+thoughtfully polite and kind.
+
+Only people who cling to old-fashioned customs still fold over the
+right side of a visiting-card to show that the card was left _in
+person_, and also fold over the _left side_ to show that the call was
+intended for _all_ the women of the household.  This custom is
+practically obsolete.  Another fashion that has had its day was that of
+leaving a separate card for each of the women of the household.  Now,
+_one_ card answers the purpose, the inquiry accompanying it indicates
+whether the call was intended for one or for all of the family.  In
+case a _guest_ of the household is included in the call a separate card
+is left for her.
+
+
+
+
+CEREMONIOUS CARDS AND INVITATIONS.  ETIQUETTE OF REPLIESs
+
+THE "HIGH TEA," MUSICALE, ETC.
+
+These occasions are more formal than the ordinary afternoon tea.
+Special cards are engraved, and if any special entertainment is
+provided, the fact may be indicated by the words, "Music," or
+"Miscellaneous Program" (when readings and music are interspersed).
+Or, the announcement may be omitted, and the program furnish a pleasant
+surprise for the guests.  But when "Dancing" is the recreation provided
+for, it must appear on the card, so that guests may prepare for it.
+The card for a "_musicale_" or similar occasion, is simply engraved:
+
+       MRS. JOHN LIVINGSTONE
+             At Home
+   Wednesday, October fifth, from
+       four to seven o'clock.
+  Dancing.           119 Park Ave.
+
+
+FOR A PARTY OR RECEPTION GIVEN IN HONOR OF ANOTHER, the invitations may
+be engraved with a blank space left for the name of the invited guest;
+or, the form may be filled out, and the name of the guest appear on the
+envelope only.  It may read:
+
+    MR. AND MRS. DEXTER HOLMES
+      request the pleasure of
+    .........................'s
+    company on Tuesday evening
+    June sixth, at nine o'clock,
+              to meet
+        Rev. John D. Loring.
+    R.S.V.P.         29 Rice St.
+
+or, the wording may be "request the pleasure of your company," etc.
+The former has the rhetorical advantage of uniformity, the third person
+being used throughout; and it also indicates a personal recognition of
+each guest; but the latter form presents a neater appearance.
+
+As to the use of "R.S.V.P.," or any of the phrases now preferred by
+many, as, "Please reply;" "The favor of an answer is requested," etc.,
+this may be said: some authorities claim that _all_ invitations should
+be _answered_; and that therefore these _requests_ for a reply are a
+reflection on the good manners of the people invited.  But such is not
+the popular understanding.  All invitations that are _plainly limited
+to a certain number of guests_, as dinners, card parties, and certain
+exclusive receptions, should be answered at once, in order that
+vacancies may be filled.  Whether the invitation is accompanied with
+the request for a reply or not, all thoughtful people will recognize
+the propriety.  But on many occasions where numbers are not necessarily
+limited, only the hostess can say whether the reply is urgent or not;
+since it is a question of her personal convenience, the limits of
+house-room, or some other individual matter.  As no one class of
+entertainments is given always under the same conditions, it is well to
+allow the hostess to choose whether she will add or omit the request
+for a reply to her invitations.
+
+Meanwhile, the punctilious may reply to every invitation of a strictly
+social character, and even if the host or hostess did not expect it,
+such reply can give no offense; whereas, the _neglect_ of a _necessary_
+reply might prove very awkward and annoying.
+
+A private ball is only a more elaborate form of a dancing party.  The
+invitations are phrased in the same language, but the hour is usually
+not earlier than 9.30 P. M.
+
+The same form of invitation can be adapted to almost any reception,
+party or other social entertainment, with such variations in the
+phrasing as suit the circumstances.
+
+It may be said that it is unnecessary to give explicit directions about
+invitations, inasmuch as the engraver is the one ultimately responsible
+for the accuracy of these things.  But on occasions when small numbers
+are invited--but undiminished formality is observed--the formal
+invitation is requisite, yet the engraved card is a needless expense.
+In such cases one may have cards _written_ in due form.  But, for
+written invitations of this formal character, it is imperative that the
+paper shall be of superior quality, and the penmanship neat, and
+_thoroughly stylish_ in effect.
+
+
+CARDS OF INVITATION TO A WEDDING are issued in the name of the bride's
+parents, or, if she is an orphan, by her guardian, or some relative or
+friend who gives her the wedding.  All expenses are paid by the bride's
+family.
+
+It is not etiquette for the groom to bear any of the expense, except
+the fee to the clergy man; nor to furnish anything for his own wedding,
+except the ring and the bouquet for the bride, presents for the
+brides-maids and best man, and some little token for the ushers.
+
+The hostess (who invites) requests the groom to furnish her with two
+lists of names--one list of those of his friends whom he wishes to be
+present to witness the ceremony, and another list of those whom he
+would like to see at the reception also.  These, with similar lists of
+the bride's friends, make up the number of guests to be invited.
+Wedding invitations are usually sent out two weeks before the day fixed
+for the ceremony.  The invitation is engraved and printed upon a note
+sheet, in handsome plain script, the lines broken to give distinction
+to the several ideas, and the wording made as terse as possible.  The
+formula is nearly unvarying:
+
+                MR. AND MRS. GEORGE LATHROP
+            request the pleasure of your company
+              (or the honor of your presence)
+             at the marriage of their daughter,
+                      MARY ADELAIDE,
+                            to
+                 MR. WILLIAM HENRY BISHOP,
+                  at St. Philip's Church,
+  On Wednesday evening, October twelfth, at seven o'clock.
+
+
+If the marriage is to be solemnized at home the date follows the names
+in succession, and the place of residence is given last.  The
+invitation may vary, "the wedding reception of their daughter," etc.
+Or, accompanying the church wedding invitation may be a square card
+bearing the lines: "Reception from half-past seven until nine o'clock,"
+with place of residence on the line below.
+
+Also, to avoid a crowd at the church, a smaller card is sometimes sent
+with the invitations bearing, for example, the words: "Please present
+this card at St. Philip's Church, Wednesday evening, October twelfth,
+at seven o'clock."  This card of admission is also given to
+dependents--the domestics of the family or such persons as may be
+entitled to the kind notice, but who are not, strictly speaking,
+invited guests.  The number of such cards should never be greater than
+the comfortable capacity of the church, lest their original purpose be
+defeated.
+
+In case the ceremony is private the immediate family and chosen friends
+are invited verbally.  It is then optional whether or not a formal
+announcement shall be made to a wider circle of friends by sending out
+engraved cards the day after the ceremony.  These are, like the
+invitations, printed on note sheets, and are phrased briefly, as
+
+        MR. AND MRS. GEORGE LATHROP
+  announce the marriage of their daughter,
+             MARY ADELAIDE,
+                   to
+         MR. WILLIAM HENRY BISHOP,
+    Wednesday evening, October twelfth,
+           St. Philip's Church.
+
+
+"At Home" cards sometimes accompany this announcement, or they may be
+sent out later by the young couple themselves, if a long wedding trip
+intervenes.
+
+The private wedding and after announcement is often the most
+suitable--in fact, the only appropriate method to adopt when a bride is
+comparatively alone in the world, or has no near relatives to take
+charge of wedding formalities.  In such a case the announcement is
+worded: "Mr. William Henry Bishop and Miss Mary Adelaide Lathrop,
+married, Wednesday, October twelfth, 149 Willow St."  If no other place
+is given this is understood to be the place where to address cards of
+congratulation.  If the young couple are to receive later, in a new
+home, that address, with date of the "at home," is also given, thus,
+"At home, after November fifteenth, 1129 Lake St."  If the change of
+residence is to another town, the name of the town is also given.
+
+For the proper style of "displaying" the phrases of an invitation or
+announcement one may apply to a first-class stationer.  Plain script
+and the finest white paper are always correct.  Any show of
+ornamentation is out of taste.
+
+When the circle of acquaintances is very large and invitations must be
+limited to a certain number, the announcement cards may be sent to
+others.
+
+A wedding invitation, unless it includes a wedding breakfast, limited
+in number, requires no reply.  Cards sent afterward are all that is
+necessary.  These cards, and whatever congratulations are sent, are
+addressed to the ones in whose name the invitation or announcement was
+sent out--usually the parents of the bride.  A congratulatory note to
+the bride is always in order among intimate friends, _but this bears no
+relation to a response to the invitation_.
+
+
+WEDDING ANNIVERSARY INVITATIONS are simply, "Mr. and Mrs. George
+Lathrop, at home," etc., with date and residence.  They are printed on
+cards or note sheets, preferably the latter, and the character of the
+occasion is indicated by a monogram at the top of the page, in the
+centre, flanked by the two annual dates, as "1837 [monogram] 1887."  If
+for a golden wedding this heading is lettered in gold; if for a silver
+wedding, in silver, the invitation being, as usual, printed in black
+ink.  It is good form to engrave "No presents" in the lower left
+corner, if such is the wish of "the bride and groom."
+
+
+DINNER CARDS OF INVITATION may have this form:
+
+       MR. AND MRS. GEORGE LATHROP
+           request the pleasure
+  Of ....................................
+      company at dinner on Thursday,
+    ................ at seven o'clock.
+             95 Willow Street.
+
+
+The above form may be engraved for perennial use by a host or hostess
+who frequently give dinners, and always on the same day of the week.
+Blanks are left to be filled in with the name of the invited guest and
+the exact date.  Or for a single occasion the form may be without any
+blank spaces, and the phrasing read, "Request the pleasure of your
+company."
+
+A dinner given in honor of some distinguished guest requires an
+invitation card specially engraved.  This form is most deferential:
+
+               To meet
+          GENERAL LA FAYETTE,
+      MR. AND MRS. GEORGE LATHROP
+          request the honor
+  of ........................ company
+               at dinner
+        on Wednesday, May tenth,
+            at eight o'clock.
+            95 Willow Street.
+
+
+If the honored guest is esteemed on the score of personal friendship
+rather than public distinction his name will be given last, instead of
+first, on the card, the phrasing of the invitation remaining the same.
+
+Invitations to dinner should be answered at once, and no one should
+accept if there is the least doubt about being able to be present.
+Only the most serious detentions suddenly arising will excuse a failure
+to keep a dinner engagement once made.  If such contingency does occur
+at the eleventh hour an explanation and apology should be sent to the
+host or hostess without delay in order to give opportunity for securing
+"the fourteenth man."
+
+
+FOR A FORMAL LUNCHEON OR BREAKFAST the invitation cards are similar in
+form to dinner cards.  But since the manner of serving, the numbers
+invited, etc., are not so definitely fixed it is proper to add R.S.V.P.
+on cards that especially call for a reply in the judgment of the
+hostess.  Otherwise many people with vague ideas of the "informality"
+of these occasions might omit to send replies.
+
+
+
+
+THE CONDUCT OF A CHURCH WEDDING
+
+The sexton should be duly informed what preparations to make at the
+church; the awning at the entrance, the ribbon barrier across the
+aisle, the floral decorations, etc., by whomever arranged and executed
+are under the supervision of this functionary, who is responsible for
+having everything in order.
+
+It is no longer good form for a bride to be late at her own wedding.
+Now, when the invitation says "seven o'clock" it is expected that the
+ceremony will begin at that hour precisely, accidents aside.
+
+The organist is engaged by some one interested in making the
+arrangements, and is supposed to be in his place for a half-hour or so
+before the hour of the ceremony; and while the guests are assembling he
+discourses music appropriate to the occasion--a rambling, meditative
+_pot-pourri_ of sweet and pathetic sentimental songs being a popular
+and effective choice.  In churches having a vested choir it is possible
+to secure very beautiful effects in the musical adjuncts, the
+processional adding greatly to the grace and dignity of the ceremonial.
+
+The sexton, or his deputy, stands at the door, salver in hand, to
+receive the admission cards as people enter the church.  The invited
+guests are met at the foot of the centre aisle by the ushers.  An usher
+offers his arm to a lady and conducts her to a seat, the friends of the
+bride being seated at the left and the friends of the groom at the
+right of the middle aisle.  When, as often happens, the groom is "from
+a distance," and few of his far-away acquaintances can be present, this
+separation of guests is not observed.
+
+At the appointed hour, the clergyman appears at the altar rail; the
+groom, accompanied by his best man, emerges from the vestry, and takes
+his place at the right, awaiting the arrival of the bride.  At this
+instant, the organist stops dreaming, wakes up, and starts boldly into
+the wedding march, as the bridal party move up the aisle, in the
+following order: First, the ushers, in pairs, then the bridesmaids,
+also in pairs.  Sometimes a little "maid of honor," carrying flowers,
+precedes the bride.  The bride, leaning on the arm of her father, comes
+last.  The ushers and the bridesmaids separate as they reach the altar,
+and go to the right and to the left.  At the altar the groom receives
+the bride from her father's hand.  The latter steps back a few paces,
+but remains near enough to "give away the bride."  When this point in
+the ceremony has been passed, the father quietly joins the mother in
+the front pew.
+
+If the processional has been the "Lohengrin" march, it is thought by
+many to be very effective for the organist, all through the ceremony,
+to continue on the swell organ a dreamy _sotto voce_ improvisation, in
+the course of which a varied reiteration of "Faithful and true" serves
+as an affecting expression of the sentiment of the hour.  The most
+enjoyable tears are shed by the emotional under this inspiration.  But
+other people prefer the solemn stillness, broken only by the voice of
+the priest and the responses of the high contracting parties.  It is a
+matter of taste and feeling; and those interested are at liberty to
+indulge either fancy.
+
+The bride stands at the left of the groom during the ceremony; and also
+takes his left arm at the close.  When the ceremony is concluded, the
+officiating clergyman congratulates the couple, but does not kiss the
+bride as formerly.  In the Episcopal Church, and any other churches
+where it is the duty of the contracting parties to sign the parish
+register, the clergyman, the newly wedded pair, and their witnesses,
+now retire to the sacristry for this purpose.  On their return to the
+chancel, the organ peals forth the Wedding March; the bride and groom
+lead the bridal party in returning down the aisle, the bridesmaids and
+ushers following in due order, and after them the nearest relatives;
+and all, entering their carriages, are driven at once to the home of
+the bride's parents.
+
+After a morning, or "high noon" wedding, a "breakfast" is usually
+served.  If the ceremony has been a nuptial mass, in the Catholic or
+High Church ritual, the bridal party have--presumably--observed the
+fast, before the mass; therefore, the "breakfast" is really a
+breakfast.  However, the term is popularly used by non-ritualists, when
+the ceremony bears no relation to the mass; and regardless of the fact
+that the real breakfast has been taken at the usual hour.
+
+A bride may wear full dress at any hour, day or evening; but
+_decollete_ dress is not good form at a church wedding, nor is it
+allowed in the Catholic church.  White is the preferred color for a
+young bride.  A widow-bride, on the contrary, should choose some other
+color; and she wears neither veil nor orange-blossoms.
+
+Details of fashion vary so constantly that specific directions cannot
+be given with any assumption of final authority.  A fashionable modiste
+should be consulted in the emergency.
+
+The dress worn by a guest at a wedding may be as rich as desired, but
+should not have a bridal appearance.  Sometimes a recent bride wears
+her own wedding gown at a friend's wedding; but it is in better taste
+not to do so, nor in any other way to invite comparisons.  The bride
+should be permitted to be the conspicuous figure at her own wedding,
+and while her friends may pay her the compliment of wearing handsome
+toilettes on that occasion, still, other women should dress just a
+little less elaborately, rather than commit the solecism of
+"out-dressing the bride."  Fortunately, one may show all delicate
+consideration in this matter, and yet be beautifully and becomingly
+dressed.
+
+
+
+
+THE ETHICS OF HOSPITALITY
+
+Hospitality shares what it has.  It does not attempt to _give_ what it
+_has not_.  The finest hospitality is that which welcomes you to the
+fireside and permits you to look upon the picture of a home-life so
+little disturbed by your coming that you are at once made to feel
+yourself a part of the little symphony--the rare bit of color just
+needed to complete the harmonic combination.  With this flattering fact
+impressed upon your glowing memory you will hardly be able to recall
+the material adjuncts of the occasion.  It is a sign of a gross nature
+to measure hospitality by the loaves and fishes, forgetting the miracle
+that goes with them.  And it is equally a mistake for a host to be
+afraid to offer humble entertainment when richer offers are beyond his
+means.  To a refined perception "the life is more than the meat," and
+the personality of the host, not the condition of his larder, decides
+whether or not it is an honor to be his guest.  Delightful though it be
+to be able to afford one's guest a rare and beautiful entertainment,
+one must dismiss the idea that a graceful and acceptable hospitality
+depends on material things.  Sir Launfal, sharing his crust with the
+beggar at the gate, was still Sir Launfal.  The impoverished hostess
+may preside at her frugal board with the spirit and the manner of a
+queen, whereas the coarse-fibred vulgarian vainly heaps his platters
+with choicest game and rarest fruit, the while he serves the banquet
+like the churl that he is.
+
+Whatever your entertainment, rich or poor, remember, first of all, to
+give _yourself_ to your guest; then, if he is appreciative, he will not
+criticise your simple dinner, nor grumble at the flavor of your wine.
+One of the wits of the day has gravely reported that at a banquet in
+the Athens of America, "the _menu_ consisted of two baked beans and
+readings from Emerson."  Despite its grotesque exaggeration, the _mot_
+contains the kernel of a dignified truth: that material things are of
+secondary importance on all social occasions worthy of the name.
+
+The most expensive entertainment given by any one should be merely an
+incidental illustration of his already recognized financial means.  It
+should never be so beyond his usual ability as to arouse among his
+neighbors the wonder, how he could afford it?  When people who are
+known to have only a moderate income give "spreads" disproportionate to
+their daily mode of living, the thoughtful observer instinctively
+questions their taste and good sense.  Usually such ostentatious
+display brings more or less derision on the ones who are foolish enough
+to spend more money to make their neighbors stare for a day than they
+use to make themselves comfortable for a year.  No matter how elaborate
+the entertainment the guests should not be allowed to suspect that
+their host has exhausted his resources, or that he might not be able to
+do this same thing at any time that he chose.
+
+As already suggested, the character of the entertainment in a private
+house should never be such as to involve a total departure from the
+habitual customs of the household.  It is granted that provision must
+be made on a grander scale for larger numbers; the _quantity_ of things
+will necessarily be augmented, and mere bulk wears a certain air of the
+imposing, and when to this is added the vital element--the magnetism of
+a brilliant company--the participant will seem to breathe a rarified
+atmosphere, and to an extent to be exalted above the level of everyday
+life.  Yet that level should not be lost to sight nor cease to be the
+basis of measurement.  The quality of elegant serving and mannerly
+eating should be just what is every day observed at the family dinner
+of the same household.  The guest should get a correct idea of the home
+atmosphere of the house, even though it be slightly congealed by the
+formality and reserve which the presence of strangers naturally
+inspires.
+
+When people assume to entertain socially they should not give a false
+showing of themselves or of their means.  The proudest spirit
+acknowledges the limitations of poverty with dignified truthfulness; it
+is the moral coward who seeks to hide these limitations by a greater
+display than his circumstances warrant.  And he reaps as he sows.  His
+"entertainments" fill an idle hour for the class of visitors who
+gravitate mainly to the supper-room, while the giver of the feast,
+under the tension of this social effort, suffers a weariness of the
+spirit as well as of the flesh, and gives a sigh of relief when the
+door closes upon the last guest, and the pitiful farce is declared
+"over."  We wonder "Why do they thus spend their strength for that
+which profiteth not?"  Surely, few things in the course of a misspent
+life are less profitable than such over-strained efforts at showy
+entertainment.  The "banquet hall deserted" presents on the following
+day a grim reminder of the petty economies that for weeks hence must
+secretly be contrived in order to restore the balance of an overdrawn
+bank account.  The folly of _living_ beyond one's means may have this
+extenuating feature, that it is often an error due to generous, though
+indiscreet impulse, or to inexperience; but the folly of spending money
+lavishly on a few ostentatious "spreads" that are "beyond one's means"
+has no redeeming points.  The deception seldom long deceives.  It is a
+social blunder, the effect of which is to depreciate rather than to
+enhance the social importance of the family thus entertaining.
+
+It will be understood that this refers to cases when the motive of
+extravagance is to gratify vanity.  It does not mean to imply that the
+Christmas dinner, or the birthday party, or the wedding anniversary may
+not be a time when all the energies of a poor and usually frugal
+household may be concentrated to prepare for one occasion of feasting
+and rejoicing.  The Cratchetts may have their roast goose; even the
+Micawbers may be indulged in their occasional banquet.  And the
+carefully planned birthday party may be all the more gratefully
+appreciated by the honored one when it is known that every choice
+provision for the occasion represents some thoughtful contriving and
+some self-sacrifice prompted by affection.  Such occasions are
+"red-letter days" in the homes of people of limited means; and pathos
+is never more delicately suggested than when the poor man forgets his
+poverty in the wealth of a home-gathering and a feast of remembrance.
+"Let not a stranger intermeddle with their joy."
+
+In the two cases the financial conditions may seem to be parallel, but
+in essential spirit there is no resemblance.  What is done from
+sentiment and affection is above commercial measurement.  What is done
+for the sake of ostentation is, by its own act, made a legitimate
+object of popular criticism.
+
+Another point of good taste in entertaining is that one who is
+wealthier than others of his social circle should not conspicuously
+outshine his neighbors by giving them a kind and degree of
+entertainment which will make their return of civilities seem poor and
+mean by comparison.  Unless the rich man is so greatly beyond others in
+the scale of wealth that comparisons cease to be odious, it is more
+considerate for him to keep within the degree of expense and display
+possible to the average of his associates.
+
+There is still another reason why the very rich should be chary of
+giving magnificent entertainments.
+
+The dazzled community, gazing spell-bound upon the spectacle of a
+flower-decked mansion, brilliant with colored lights and echoing to
+bewildering strains of music, is apt to forget, in this aggregation of
+the energies of florist, caterer, and band-master, the one man who is
+supposed to be, but is not, the author of this occasion.
+
+George (descanting on the glories of the "crush of the season")--"The
+music--the champagne--the----"
+
+Montague--"Ah! yes; and how did 'mine host' bear himself?"
+
+George--"The host! (ruefully).  B'Jove!  I forgot to hunt him up!"
+
+
+Unfortunately, mine host had allowed his surroundings to belittle
+himself.  Many a brilliant "social event" might properly be chronicled
+under the head-line: "Total Eclipse of the Host!" so insignificant does
+the man become when he carries his standards of social entertaining in
+his pocket-book instead of in his brains.
+
+However, one need not be very rich in order to make this same mistake.
+It is made every time that social life ceases to be social, and becomes
+merely a contest of rival displays.  This folly is observed in small
+villages quite as often as in the metropolis.  In contrast, how
+refreshing it is to cross the threshold of a refined and cultivated
+home, and find awaiting us a cordial welcome and a genuine hospitality,
+so true to its author's personality and environment that whether water
+or wine be offered we know not, grateful that our host gives us his
+best, whatever it is, and, best of all, gives himself.
+
+
+
+
+AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS AND TEAS
+
+Fashions in entertaining have changed within the memory of "those now
+living."  Once, large parties were given, hundreds of invitations were
+issued, a house was crowded from veranda to attic, and the occasion was
+one of the few notable social events of the season.  Then came the
+fashion--partly for exclusiveness, partly for novelty, largely for
+convenience--of giving during the season several small parties or
+receptions, which in the aggregate might include all of one's visiting
+list.  The disadvantage of this plan, as an exclusive method of solving
+the problem of social entertaining, was that slights were liable to
+occur, and were sure to be bitterly felt and resented.  Yet, what was a
+hostess to do?  To go back to the old-time crowded party, superadding
+the increased luxury of modern entertaining, would be to re-establish
+an inconvenient and expensive fashion.  But some way must be devised to
+bring one's friends together, in larger numbers, and with more prompt
+and direct expression of hospitality and good fellowship than could be
+conveyed by the slow and stately process of a series of dinners.
+
+"Necessity is the mother of invention."  Someone, probably having
+reflected upon the easy social character of the English five o'clock
+tea, solved the problem for the American hostess by instituting the
+afternoon reception, which, somewhere between the hours of four and
+six, summons a host of friends to cross one's threshold and meet
+informally, chatting for a while over a sociable cup of tea, each group
+giving place to others, none crowding, all at ease, every one the
+recipient of a gracious welcome from the hostess, who by the
+hospitality thus offered has tacitly placed each guest on her visiting
+list for the season.
+
+The afternoon reception is much the same affair, whether it be a tea
+merely, or a _musicale_, or a literary occasion.  If merely a
+reception, conversation and the desultory chat of society, the drifting
+about and the greeting of friends, and incidentally the cup of tea and
+its dainty accessories, fill a half-hour or so very pleasantly; and
+though inconsequent so far as any plan or motive is concerned, such
+meeting and mingling may have all the desired effect as a promoter of
+social pleasure and harmony.
+
+When a _musicale_ is given at these afternoon hours, usually it is in
+honor of some brilliant amateur, a pianist or singer, or, if the
+program is miscellaneous, a gifted elocutionist.  Or, it is an occasion
+when some lion of the professional stage has been captured, either
+socially or professionally, and the hostess gives to her less fortunate
+friends an opportunity to see and hear at close range the celebrity
+usually visible only through opera-glasses and beyond the foot-lights.
+Or, some lady of well-known musical taste may be the patron of some
+newly-arrived professor of music; and she invites her musical friends
+to meet him, with the benevolent purpose to give him a profitable
+introduction to a promising class of patrons.
+
+When under any of these or similar conditions a formal program is
+arranged, the hour is fixed, and is stated on the invitation card; as
+"Music at 4."  The guests should be prompt at the hour, so that no
+interruption or confusion shall occur.  When the reception is merely
+social, guests come and leave at any time within the hours specified on
+the invitation card; as, "Tea, 4 to 6."
+
+When admitted to the house each one hands a card to the servant in
+waiting.  The guest repairs to the dressing-room to lay aside outer
+wraps, and attend to any detail of the toilet which wind or accident
+may have disarranged.  Upon entering the parlor each guest is greeted
+by the hostess, who stands near the door, surrounded by her aids.  If
+her husband's name appears on the card of invitation, he, also, is in
+the receiving group, contributing, in so far as a man humbly may, to
+the success of the occasion.  The aids, besides assisting in receiving
+the guests, are attentive to entertaining; and they see that no shy
+person is overlooked in the invitation to partake of refreshments.
+
+The tea is served in the same room when the guests are few, and in
+another room of the suite if the reception is large.  Usually a single
+table is set, with coffee or chocolate at one end, and tea at the
+other, served by young ladies, friends of the hostess.  To be invited
+to preside at the coffee urn, or to manipulate the swinging tea-kettle,
+is accounted a high compliment.
+
+Besides the tea, the refreshments, which are served from the table, may
+be very thin slices of bread and butter, or wafers, or similar trifles;
+but if the occasion approaches the nature of a formal reception, a more
+elaborate preparation is made; _bouillon_, oysters, salads, ice-cream
+and cakes, delicate rolls and bon-bons may be offered.  The gradations
+by which the frugal tea passes into the superabundant supper are not
+easily classified.  Each hostess will judge how much or how little
+prominence to give to these provisions for the inner man.  Usually,
+however, very simple refreshments, daintily served, are all that is
+desirable, as the guests go home to their dinners.
+
+If a guest is a comparative stranger to others present, she is at
+liberty to address any one in a chatty, agreeable way, without
+introduction.  Also, if any one observes another guest who seems to be
+alone and neglected, it is a graceful and kind overture to open a
+pleasant conversation.
+
+One should not linger too long at an afternoon tea.  Three-quarters of
+an hour is a happy medium.
+
+Allied to the afternoon tea are various phases of informal daytime
+entertaining.  For example, there is the "shower" for a bride-elect
+("linen," "culinary," or what you will).  A friend of the bride-to-be
+invites a coterie of girl friends to meet the guest of honor, giving
+each girl time to provide some beautiful or useful gift, the
+presentations to be made with amusing ceremonies.
+
+The "thimble bee," a favorite diversion of the quiet matronly set, each
+one bringing her own bit of needlework to while away an hour or so in
+pleasant conversation.  One of the number may read aloud, with pauses
+for comment at will.  The thimble bee is a modern version of the good
+old-fashioned "spend the afternoon and take tea."  Both the shower and
+the thimble bee may be given in the forenoon, if preferred.
+
+
+
+
+THE DINNER SERVICE
+
+REQUISITES FOR THE DINING-TABLE
+
+_Table-Linen, etc._--Table-cloths of white damask, double or single, as
+fine as the owner's purse admits, are used for the dinner-table, with
+large square white napkins to correspond.
+
+The table should first be covered with a mat of double-faced cotton
+flannel wide enough to fall six inches below the edge of the table, all
+around.  This under mat greatly improves the appearance of the
+table-cloth, which can be laid much more smoothly over this soft
+foundation.  Besides, the mat protects the table from too close contact
+with hot dishes.  Small table mats for the purpose of protecting the
+cloth are not fashionable at present, though many careful housekeepers
+retain them rather than risk injury to fine table linen.
+
+Carving-cloths are used when carving is done at the table, but are not
+needed when dinner is served _a la Russe_.
+
+Napkin rings are discarded by many who hold that a napkin should be
+used but once, and must be re-laundried before reappearing on the table.
+
+Practically, such a fastidious use of table linen would exhaust most
+linen supplies, and overcrowd the laundry.  The neat use of a napkin
+renders this extreme nicety superfluous as a rule of home dining, Care
+should certainly be taken to remove all soiled table linen.  Nothing is
+more disgusting than a dirty napkin, but the snowy linen that comes
+spotless through one using may, with propriety, be retained in the ring
+to be used several times.  This, of course, refers to every-day dining
+at home.  On formal occasions no napkin rings appear on the table; the
+napkins are always fresh, and used for that time only.  At the close of
+the dinner they are left carelessly on the table; not rolled or folded
+in any orderly shape.
+
+Small fringed napkins of different colors are used with a dessert of
+fruits.  Fancy doylies of fine linen embroidered with silk are
+sometimes brought in with the finger-bowls; but these are not for
+utility, the dinner napkin doing service, while the embroidered "fancy"
+adds a dainty bit of effect to the table decoration.
+
+_China, Glassware, Cutlery, Silverware, etc._--Chinaware for the dinner
+service should be of good quality.  Fashions in china decoration are
+not fixed; the fancy of the hour is constantly changing, but a matched
+set is eminently proper for the dinner table, leaving the "harlequin"
+china for luncheons and teas.  In the latter style the aim is to have
+no two pieces alike in decoration, or at least, to permit an unlimited
+variety; a fashion that is very convenient when large quantities of
+dishes are liable to be needed.  But for a dinner served in orderly
+sequence, the orderly correspondence of a handsome "set" seems more in
+keeping.  But even with this, the harlequin idea may come in with the
+dessert; fruit plates, ice-cream sets, after-dinner coffees, etc., may
+display any number of fantasies in shape and coloring.
+
+Artistic glassware is a very handsome feature of table furnishing.
+Carafes and goblets for water are always needed at dinner; wine
+glasses, possibly; and the serving of fruits and bon-bons gives
+opportunity to display the most brilliant cut-glass, or its
+comparatively inexpensive substitutes, which are scarcely less pretty
+in effect.  Fine glass is infinitely more elegant than common
+plated-ware, and though more liable to breakage is less trouble to keep
+in order.
+
+The best dinner-knife is of steel, of good quality, with handle of
+ivory, ebony, or silver.  Silver-plated knives are much used; they do
+not discolor so readily as steel, and are easily kept polished.  They
+answer the purpose for luncheon, but they rarely have edge enough to be
+really serviceable at dinner or breakfast.
+
+Many people who own solid silverware store it away in bank vaults and
+use its _fac simile_ in quadruple plate, and thus escape the constant
+dread of a possible burglar.  For the sense of security that it gives,
+one may value the finest quality of plated ware, but it should be
+inconspicuous in style and not too profuse in quantity, since its
+utility, rather than its commercial value, should be suggested.  Any
+ostentation in the use of plated ware is vulgar.  But one may take a
+pride and satisfaction in the possession of solid silver.  Every
+ambitious housekeeper will devise ways of securing, little by little,
+if not all at once, a neat collection of solid spoons and forks.  The
+simplest table takes on dignity when graced with these "sterling"
+accompaniments.  The fancy for collecting "souvenir" spoons, one at a
+time, suggests a way to secure a valuable lot of spoons without feeling
+the burden of the expense.  Yet, on the other hand, these spoons are
+much more expensive than equally good plain silver, the extra price
+being paid for the "idea;" but the expenditure is worth while to those
+who value historical associations.  One may find in the silver-basket
+salient reminders of all important epochs in our national life, a sort
+of primer of United States history, to say nothing of the innumerable
+"souvenirs" of Europe.  Its subtle testimony to the intelligent taste
+of its owner gives the souvenir collection its chief "touch of
+elegance."
+
+The towering "castor," once the central glory of the dinner table, is
+out of style.  The condiments are left on the sideboard, and handed
+from there in case any dish requires them, the supposition being that,
+as a rule, the several dishes are properly seasoned before they are
+served.  Individual salt-cellars are placed on the table, and may be
+accompanied with salt spoons; if these are omitted, it is understood
+that the salt-cellar is emptied and refilled each time that it is used.
+On the family dinner-table the condiment line is not so severely drawn;
+vinegar in cut-glass cruets, mustard in Satsuma pots, and individual
+"peppers"--in silver, china, or glass, and of quaint designs--are
+convenient and allowable.
+
+A table covered with white damask, overlaid with sparkling china and
+cut-glass, and reflecting the white light of polished silver, is a
+pretty but lifeless sight.  Add one magic touch--the centre-piece of
+flowers--and the crystallized beauty wakes to organic life.
+
+In arranging the modern dinner-table, when the service is to be _a la
+Russe_, floral decorations are almost indispensable.  Without something
+attractive for the eye to rest upon, the desert stretch of linen looks
+like the white ghost of famine mocking the feast.
+
+The shape of the table, the available space, and the nature of the
+occasion decide the quantity and distribution of the flowers.  It is a
+matter in which wide latitude is given to individual taste and
+ingenuity, original designs and odd conceits being always in order,
+subject only to the law of appropriateness.
+
+For a square or extra wide table a large centre-piece, either round or
+oblong, is usually chosen, with endless varieties in its component
+arrangement.  It may be low and flat, like a floral mat, in the middle
+of the table, or it may be a lofty _epergne_, or an inter-lacing of
+delicate vine-wreathed arches, or a single basket of feathery
+maidenhair fern--in fact, anything that is pretty and which the
+inspiration of the moment may suggest.  In early autumn, in country
+homes or in suburban villas, nothing is more effective than masses of
+golden-rod and purple asters, gathered by the hostess or her guests
+during their afternoon drive, and all the more satisfactory because of
+the pleasure taken in their impromptu arrangement.  Wild flowers should
+be neatly trimmed and symmetrically grouped to avoid a ragged or weedy
+appearance.
+
+Fortunately, even quite elaborate floral decorations need not be
+expensive.  Nature has bestowed some of her choicest touches upon the
+lilies of the field, and an artistic eye discerns their possibilities.
+At the same time, art in floriculture has produced marvels, and those
+who can afford it may revel in mammoth roses and rare orchids, lilies
+of the valley in November, and red clovers in January, if it please
+them to pay the florist's bill for the same.
+
+For narrow "extension" tables, slender vases ranged at intervals may be
+the most convenient disposition of the flowers; or, if the ends of the
+table are not occupied, a broad, low basket may stand at each end, with
+a tall, slender vase in the middle of the table.
+
+On choice occasions a handsome centre-piece may be, for example, a
+large bowl of La France roses, with small bundles of the same (groups
+of three are pretty), tied with ribbon of the same hue, laid by each
+plate.  Any other single flower may be disposed similarly, or variety
+may rule, and no two floral "favors" be alike, in which case it is a
+delicate compliment to give to each guest a flower known to be a
+favorite, or one that seems especially appropriate--a lily to Lilian, a
+daisy to Marguerite, etc.  These little marks of thoughtfulness never
+fail to be appreciated, and add much to the grace of entertaining.
+
+An elaborate centre-piece may stand upon a rich velvet mat, or on a
+flat mirror provided for the purpose.  The latter is a clever idea for
+a centre-piece of pond-lilies or other aquatic plants, simulating a
+miniature lake, its edges fringed with moss or ferns.
+
+
+THE FORMAL ARRANGEMENT OF THE DINNER-TABLE
+
+The mat is first adjusted upon the table, and the table-cloth smoothly
+and evenly laid over it.  The cloth should fall about half-way to the
+floor all around.
+
+The floral accessories are then put in place; and also the fruits and
+bon-bons, which may be commingled with the flowers in working out a
+decorative design, or they may be placed, in ornamental dishes, at the
+four corners of a wide table, to balance the flowers in the centre; or,
+they may be arranged along the middle of a long table.  For fruit,
+silver-gilt baskets, or _epergnes_ of glass are especially pretty.  The
+fruit may later constitute a part of the dessert, or may be merely
+ornamental in its office.  Carafes containing iced water are placed
+here and there on the table, at convenient points.
+
+The next step is the laying of the covers; a cover signifying the place
+prepared for one person.  For a dinner in courses a cover consists of a
+small plate (on which to set the oyster plate), two large knives, three
+large forks (for the roast, the game, and _entrees_), one small knife
+and fork (for the fish), one tablespoon (for the soup), one
+oyster-fork.  The knives and forks are laid at the right and left of
+the plate, the oyster-fork and the spoon being conveniently to hand.  A
+glass goblet for water is set at the right, about eight inches from the
+edge of the table; if wine is to be served the requisite glasses are
+grouped about the water goblet.
+
+The napkin is folded square, with one fold turned back to inclose a
+thick piece of bread; or, the napkin may be folded into a triangle that
+will stand upright, holding the bread within its folds.  This is the
+only way in which bread is put on the dinner-table, though a plate of
+bread is on the sideboard to be handed to those who require a second
+piece.  It is entirely proper to ask for it, when desired.  Butter is
+not usually placed on the dinner-table, but is handed from the
+sideboard if the _menu_ includes dishes that require it; as, sweet
+corn, sweet potatoes, etc.  Small butter-plates are included in the
+"cover" in such cases.
+
+The oysters, which form the initial course, are usually on the table
+before the guests take their places.  A majolica plate, containing four
+or six of the bivalves with a bit of lemon in the midst, is placed at
+each cover; or, oyster cocktails may be served.  The soup tureen and
+plates are brought in to the side table.  All is now in readiness.
+
+
+THE ARRIVAL OF GUESTS--MEANWHILE
+
+While these preparations have been going on in the dining-room, the
+guests have been assembling in the drawing-room.  It is proper to
+arrive from five to fifteen minutes before the hour mentioned in the
+invitation, allowing time to pay respects to the host and hostess,
+without haste of manner, before the dinner is announced.
+
+A gentleman wears a dress suit at dinner.  A lady wears a handsome
+gown, "dinner dress" being "full dress;" differing, however, from the
+evening party or reception gown in the kind of fabrics used.  The most
+filmy gauzes are suitable for a ball costume; while dinner dress--for
+any but very young ladies--is usually of more substantial
+materials--rich silk or velvet softened in effect with choice lace, or
+made brilliant with jet trimmings.
+
+When the dinner party is strictly formal, and the company evenly
+matched in pairs, the following order is observed:
+
+Each gentleman finds in the hall, as he enters, a card bearing his name
+and the name of the lady whom he is to take out; also, a small
+_boutonniere_, which he pins on his coat.  If the lady is a stranger,
+he asks to be presented to her, and establishes an easy conversation
+before moving toward the dining-room.
+
+
+THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF DINNER
+
+When dinner is ready the fact is made known to the hostess by the
+butler, or maid-servant, who comes to the door and quietly says "Dinner
+is served."  A bell is never rung for dinner, nor for any other formal
+meal.
+
+The host leads the way, taking out the lady who is given the place of
+first consideration; the most distinguished woman, the greatest
+stranger, the most elderly--whatever the basis of distinction.  Other
+couples follow in the order assigned to them, each gentleman seating
+the lady on his right.  The hostess comes last, with the most
+distinguished male guest.  If there is a footman, or more than one, the
+chairs are deftly placed for each guest; but if only a maid is in
+waiting, each gentleman arranges his own and his partner's chairs as
+quietly as possible.
+
+As soon as the company are seated, each one removes the bread; and the
+napkin, partially unfolded, is laid across the lap.  It is not tucked
+in at the neck or the vest front, or otherwise disposed as a
+feeding-bib.  It is a towel, for wiping the lips and fingers in
+emergencies, but should be used unobtrusively--not flourished like a
+flag of truce.
+
+
+THE SERVING OF THE DINNER
+
+The servant is ready to hand from the side-board any condiments desired
+for the oysters, which are promptly disposed of.  It may be remarked at
+the outset, that everything at table is handed at the left, _except
+wine_, which is offered at the right.  Ladies are served first.
+
+After the oyster-plates are removed, the soup is served from the side
+table--a half ladleful to each plate being considered the correct
+quantity.  The rule regarding soup is double, you must, and you must
+not.  You must accept it (whether you eat it or merely pretend to), but
+you must not ask for a second helping, since to do so would prolong a
+course that is merely an "appetizer" preparatory to the substantials.
+
+The soup-plates are removed, and the fish immediately appears, served
+on plates with mashed potatoes or salad, or sometimes both, in which
+case a separate dish is provided for the salad.  The _entrees_ follow
+the fish, hot plates being provided, as required.  Dishes containing
+the _entrees_ should have a large spoon and fork laid upon them, and
+should be held low, so that the guest may help himself easily.
+
+Again the dishes are removed.  Here we may pause to remark that the
+prompt and orderly removal of the dishes after each successive course
+is a salient feature of skillful waiting.  The accomplished waiter
+never betrays haste or nervousness, but his every movement "tells," and
+that, too, without clatter, or the dropping of small articles, or the
+dripping of sauces.  The plates, etc., vanish from the table--whither,
+we observe not.  The waiter in the dining-room must have the
+co-operation of the servant behind the scenes, to receive and convey
+the relays of dishes to the kitchen.  However it is managed, and it
+_must be managed_, the nearer the operation can appear to be a "magic
+transformation," the better.
+
+To return; the roast is the next course.  The carving is done at the
+side table.  Guests are consulted as to their preference for "rare" or
+"well-done;" and the meat, in thin slices, is served on hot plates,
+with vegetables at discretion on the same plate, separate vegetable
+dishes--except for salads--not being used on private dinner tables.
+Certain vegetables, as sweet corn on the cob, may be regarded as a
+course by themselves, being too clumsy to be disposed of conveniently
+on a plate with other things.
+
+The game course is next in order (if it is included, as it generally is
+in an elaborate dinner).  Celery is an appropriate accompaniment of the
+game course.  The salad is sometimes served with the game; otherwise it
+follows as a course by itself.
+
+The salad marks the end of the heavy courses.  The crumb tray is
+brought, and the table-cloth is cleared of all stray fragments.  A
+rolled napkin makes a quiet brush for this purpose, especially on a
+finely polished damask cloth.
+
+The dessert is now in order.  Finger-bowls and doylies are brought in
+on the dessert-plates.  Each person at once removes the bowl and doyley
+to make ready for whatever is to be put on the plate.
+
+Ices, sweets (pastry and confections), cheese, follow in course; and,
+finally, the fruits and bon-bons.  Strong coffee is served last of all,
+in small cups.  Fashion decrees _cafe noir_, and few lovers of cream
+care to rebel on so formal an occasion as a dinner; but when the
+formality is not too rigid, the little cream jug may be smuggled in for
+those who prefer _cafe au lait_.
+
+Water is the staple drink of the American dinner-table.  A palatable
+table water, like Apollinaris, well iced, is an elegant substitute for
+wine when habit or conscience forbids the latter.
+
+When wine is served with the different courses at dinner, the
+appropriate use is as follows: with soup, sherry; with the fish,
+chablis, hock, or sauterne; with the roast, claret and champagne; after
+the game course, Madeira and port; with the dessert, sherry, claret, or
+Burgundy.  After dinner are served champagne and other sparkling wines,
+just off the ice, and served without decanting, a napkin being wrapped
+around the wet bottle.
+
+While wine may be accounted indispensable by many, the growing
+sentiment in favor of its total banishment from the dinner-table has
+this effect on the etiquette of the case, that the neglect to provide
+wine for even a very formal dinner is not now the breach of good form
+which it would have been held to be some years ago.  Such neglect has
+been sanctioned by the example of acknowledged social leaders; and when
+it is the exponent of a temperance principle it has the respect of
+every diner-out, whatever his private choice in the matter.  No
+_gentleman_ will grumble at the absence of wine at his host's table.
+It is good form for a host to serve or _not_ serve wine, as he chooses;
+it is very bad form for his guest to comment on his choice.  When any
+one who is conscientiously opposed to wine-drinking, or for any reason
+abstains, is present at a dinner where wine is served, he declines it
+by simply laying his hand on the rim of his glass as the butler
+approaches.  No words are necessary.  Apollinaris will take the place
+of stronger waters, and no embarrassment follows to either host or
+guest.  As to the moral involved, a silent example may be quite as
+influential as an aggressive exhibition of one's principles.  Questions
+of manners and morals are constantly elbowing one another, and it is a
+nice point to decide when and how far duty requires one to defy
+conventionality.  It is safe to say that only in extreme cases is this
+ever necessary, or even permissible.  The hostess who simply _does not
+offer wine to any guest under any circumstances_, is using her
+influence effectively and courteously, especially when she supplies the
+deficiency with delicious coffee and cocoa, fragrant tea, and, best and
+_rarest_ of all, crystal clear, sparkling cold water.  By pointing out
+a "more excellent way," she is adding to her faith _virtue_.
+
+
+MISCELLANEOUS POINTS
+
+Extra knives and forks are brought in with any course that requires
+them.  The preliminary lay-out is usually meant to provide all that the
+scheme of the dinner will call for; but one must have a goodly supply
+of silver and cutlery to avoid altogether the necessity for having some
+of it washed and returned to the table during the progress of the
+dinner.  It is very desirable to be amply equipped, as it facilitates
+the prompt and orderly serving of the courses.
+
+Fruit-knives are required, and ice-spoons, orange-spoons, and other
+unique conceits in silver utensils may be provided with the dessert, if
+one happens to own them; otherwise, plain forks and spoons do duty as
+required.  The fork bears the chief burden of responsibility, being
+used for everything solid or semi-solid, leaving the spoon to the
+limited realm of soft custards and fruits that are so juicy as to elude
+the tines of the fork.
+
+The knife is held in hand as little as possible, being used only when
+cutting is actually necessary, the fork easily separating most
+vegetables, etc.  In the fish course, however, the knife is used to
+assist in removing the troublesome small bones.
+
+In holding the knife the fingers should not touch the blade, except
+that the forefinger rests upon the upper edge not far below the shank
+when the cutting requires some firmness of pressure.  The dinner knife
+should be sharp enough to perform its office without too much muscular
+effort, or the possible accident of a duck's wing flying unexpectedly
+"from cover" under the ill-directed stress of a despairing carver's
+hand.  I have seen the component parts of a fricasseed chicken leave
+the table, not _untouched_--oh! no; every one had been _sawing_ at it
+for a half-hour--but uneaten it certainly was, for obvious reasons.
+The cutlery was pretty, but practically unequal to even spring chicken.
+
+The fork is held with the tines curving downward, that position giving
+greater security to the morsel, and is raised laterally, the points
+being turned, as it reaches the mouth, just enough to deposit the
+morsel between the slightly-parted lips.  During this easy movement the
+elbow scarcely moves from its position at the side, a fact gratefully
+appreciated by one's next neighbor.  What is more awkward than the arm
+projected, holding the fork pointing backward at a right angle to the
+lips, the mouth opening wide like an automatic railway gate to an
+approaching locomotive--the labored and ostentatious way in which food
+is sometimes transported to its destination?  Nor, once in the mouth,
+is it lost to sight forever.  Other people, seated opposite, are
+compelled to witness it in successive stages of the grinding process,
+as exhibited by the constant opening and shutting of the mouth during
+mastication, or laughing and talking with the mouth full--faults of
+heedless people of energetic but not refined manners.
+
+Liquids are sipped from the side of the spoon, without noise or
+suction.  In serving vegetables the tablespoon is inserted laterally,
+not "point first."
+
+Celery is held in the fingers, asparagus also, unless the stalks are
+too tender.  Green corn may be eaten from the cob, a good set of
+natural teeth being the prime requisite.  It may be a perfectly
+graceful performance if daintily managed.
+
+The management of fruits in the dessert is another test of dainty
+skill.  Oranges may be eaten in different ways.  Very juicy fruit may
+be cut in halves across the sections and scooped out with a spoon.  The
+drier "seedless" oranges are better peeled and separated.  With a fruit
+knife, remove the tough skin of each peg, leaving enough dry fiber to
+hold it by, in conveying it to the mouth.  Practice enables one easily
+to "make way with" an orange.  Bananas are cut in two, the skin
+removed; the fruit is held in the fingers, or--preferably--eaten with a
+fork.  Juicy pears and peaches may be managed in the same way, at
+discretion, the rule being that the fingers should touch as little as
+possible fruits that are decidedly mushy.
+
+The finger-bowl stands ready to repair all damages of the nature
+suggested.  The fingers are dipped in the water and gently rinsed, and
+then passed lightly over the lips, and both mouth and fingers are wiped
+upon the napkin.
+
+At a signal from the hostess, the ladies rise and return to the
+drawing-room.  The gentlemen follow immediately, or remain a short time
+for another glass of wine, when such is the provision of the host.
+
+
+DINNER-TABLE TALK
+
+The conversation at the dinner-table should be general, unless the
+company is large, and the table too long to admit of it.  But in any
+case, each one is responsible first of all for keeping up a pleasant
+chat with his or her partner, and not allowing that one to be neglected
+while attention is riveted on some aggressively brilliant talker at the
+other end of the table.  No matter how uninteresting one's partner may
+be, one must be thoughtful and entertaining; and such kind attention
+may win the life-long gratitude of a timid _debutante_, or the equally
+unsophisticated country cousin.
+
+Dinner-table talk should be affable.  The host and hostess must be
+alert to turn the conversation from channels that threaten to lead to
+antagonisms of opinion; and each guest should feel that it is more
+important just now to make other people happy than to gratify his
+impulse to "floor" them on the tariff question.  In short, at dinner,
+as under most social conditions, the watchword ever in mind should be,
+"Not to myself alone."
+
+
+INFORMAL DINNERS
+
+The informal dinner, daily served in thousands of refined American
+homes, is a much less pretentious affair than the name "dinner"
+technically implies.  In most cases the service is but partially _a la
+Russe_, most courses, and all the _entrees_, being set on the table,
+the serving and "helping" being done by some member of the family; the
+presence of a waitress being sometimes dispensed with except at
+transition points; as, when the table is cleared before the dessert.
+This formality is the most decided dinner feature of the meal, which
+throughout its progress has been conducted more like a luncheon.  Yet,
+in all essential points of mannerliness, the family dinner is governed
+by the same rules that control the formal banquet.
+
+It is perhaps needless to remark that the _diner a la Russe_ in its
+perfection cannot be carried out without a number of competent
+servants.  These may be hired when some special occasion warrants extra
+preparations for due formality.  But for customary "entertaining,"
+those who "live quietly," with possibly but one domestic to assist with
+the dinner, will show good sense in not attempting anything more
+imposing than they are able to compass successfully.  The "family
+dinner" has a dignity of its own when in keeping with all the
+conditions; and though its _menu_ may be simple, its service
+unpretentious, it may be the gracious exponent of a hospitality "fit
+for a king."
+
+At the informal dinner it is customary to seat the guests in the order
+in which they enter the dining-room, without assigning any place of
+distinction; all the places at table being held of equal honor--comfort
+and convenience being the things chiefly considered.
+
+
+
+
+LUNCHEONS
+
+The most elastic word in the whole vocabulary of entertaining is the
+term _luncheon_.  It is applied to a mid-day meal occurring any time
+between 11 A. M. and 3 P. M., and may mean anything, from a brilliant
+_a la Russe_ banquet, to the hastily gathered together fragments left
+from yesterday's dinner.
+
+It may describe an hour of absolute leisure, and the most delightful
+conversational interchange, or it may signify the five minutes' grab
+from the side-board between the games of a closely-contested amateur
+tennis tournament.
+
+In general, we may say that the most formal of luncheons, resembling
+the dinner in the main features of its serving, has these points of
+distinction; the number of guests is irregular, usually uncertain, they
+go to the table singly; they come dressed in any way that the hour of
+the day, or their recent occupations warrant--men dropping in dressed
+for business or sporting, and ladies in promenade costumes, with
+bonnets or hats; the hour is not rigidly fixed,--luncheon, being
+largely of cold dishes, is not spoiled by a half-hour's tardiness--a
+late comer is greeted as cordially as the first arrival; and "the more
+the merrier" seems to be the motto of the hostess who keeps "open
+house" at luncheon time.
+
+The formal luncheons for which engraved invitations are issued, are
+usually "ladies' luncheons;" and the formality of the serving is
+equalled by the elegance of the toilets.  Men have little leisure for
+day-time entertainments, except during the brief outing at some summer
+resort, where the easy-going lunch is the ruling fashion.
+
+The _menu_ of the cold luncheon may present great variety, and provide
+for many guests with little trouble.  For a smaller, or more definite,
+number a hot luncheon may be prepared--a tender steak with mashed
+potatoes and asparagus, or something equally simple--and a dessert of
+cakes, ice-cream, and fruits; in all respects a little "informal
+dinner."
+
+The large buffet luncheon, like the four o'clock tea, gives opportunity
+for displaying all the pretty china that one owns.  Flowers and fruits
+may decorate the table or tables, and the most artistic effects may be
+secured by a little attention to blending and grouping.  A hostess _who
+knows how_ can make her rooms look like a festal bower for these
+occasions without much money outlay; and if she also is clever in the
+compounding of made dishes and salads, she can give luncheons that are
+remembered as the epitome of good style, albeit the bills for the same
+were surprisingly small.  Such a gifted woman enjoys a sense of
+exultation that is unknown to her richer sister, who merely fills out a
+cheque for the cost and leaves all else to the caterer, as one must,
+when the luncheon is given at a club or tea room.
+
+In general, the buffet luncheon is much the same on all occasions, when
+entertaining large companies at home.  The difference is not so much in
+the way of serving, as in the kind of refreshments proffered.  The tea
+may be a light affair, if you will; merely a bit and a sip for good
+fellowship.  But the luncheon is one of the solid meals of the day,
+requiring something substantial.  Such sustaining things as chicken
+salad, appetizing sandwiches, bouillon (hot or jellied), cold sliced
+ham, with relishes, as celery, olives, seasonable fruits, etc., satisfy
+the normal hunger at noontime; and delicious cakes and ices with coffee
+make a festal finale.  Almost any attractive luncheon dish may be
+included, preferably things that are not hurt by standing; as the
+luncheon service for a large party fills an hour or two.  For this
+reason, coffee is the most manageable beverage to serve.
+
+The refreshments are arranged on the dining-table.  A fine table-cloth
+may be used; or handsome doylies if the table itself is of handsome
+finish.  The salad bowl is set on one side, the platters of sandwiches,
+etc., on the other; with the coffee urn at one end, the ices at the
+other, if there is room; otherwise, the cake and ices are served from a
+side table.  Another side table is desirable, to hold the stacks of
+dishes and napkins.
+
+As the hostess must give her entire attention to receiving her guests,
+she intrusts the oversight of the dining-room to several matrons, who
+are aided by a bevy of the younger girls (the young men also, at an
+evening party).  At the proper time these young people pass the napkins
+and plates (usually with the salad already served) to the guests
+scattered around the rooms.  Other things are promptly brought, the
+coffee being served immediately after, by another set of helpers.
+Since all cannot be seated, small tables placed here and there in the
+suite of rooms will give the standing ones a chance to set a coffee cup
+down now and then.  Candy in tiny reception sticks may be passed with
+the cake; or bonbon dishes may be set in unexpected places about the
+rooms, where any one who discovers them may nibble at will.
+
+The family waitress, with extra help if needed, should be in attendance
+near the dining-room exit, to receive the used dishes and remove them
+at once from the scene.  This is a nice point; for a congestion of
+dishes in the dining-room spoils the effect of an otherwise
+well-managed service.  The maid will also keep the stack of plates,
+etc., replenished; and she will carry back and forth from the pantry
+the salad bowl and platters for replenishing.
+
+Cutlery is limited to a fork for the salad, a spoon for the coffee, and
+a fork or spoon for the ice cream.  The ices may be in fancy individual
+shapes, if one chooses to take that much trouble; but the brick,
+brought in ready sliced for serving, is always suitable, and easier to
+manage.
+
+Much of this is so generally understood that further details seem
+superfluous.  The least experienced hostess need not be overanxious
+about small points, if the general order is observed; for luncheon
+guests are a genial crowd, and nobody notices little mishaps.  I am
+assuming that your guests are all very nice people, in sympathy with
+you, and aiding you to the extent of their ability to make things
+pleasant.  Those who have this sincere disposition need no instruction
+in behavior.  Each one's conduct will be guided by her own instinctive
+sense of propriety.  One who is habitually polite is not likely to make
+any blunders at a luncheon, since there are no rigid conventionalities
+to be infringed.
+
+If the luncheon hour is much past noon, the guests should be careful
+not to remain too long after, as they might thus be detaining the
+hostess from later afternoon engagements.
+
+
+
+
+SUPPERS
+
+A supper is a late evening meal, and may be an entertainment by itself,
+or be served in connection with some social event.  A supper is
+understood to consist prevailingly of hot dishes, which distinguishes
+the supper from the collation--which might be served on similar
+occasions--and which is mainly of cold dishes.  The distinction is not
+absolute, however.
+
+A formal supper, or banquet, is served _a la Russe_, and resembles the
+dinner in its general conduct; but instead of the heavy roast and
+vegetables, the game is the conspicuous course, and various
+preparations of oysters, lobster, terrapin, etc., crowd the _menu_
+card, with salads of all kinds.  Nine o'clock is a fashionable hour for
+the sit-down supper.  The supper served at a dance or a reception is
+timed to suit the leading features of the evening.  The _menu_ for
+these "crush" suppers covers the ground of the hot supper and the cold
+collation combined, and there are few things within the range of dainty
+cookery that are not permissible.
+
+The most "social" and enjoyable suppers--with the doctor's
+permission--are those that are served an home after the hostess and her
+guests have returned from the theatre or opera, lecture or concert.
+Tiny biscuit, sandwiches, fried oysters, chicken salad, and golden
+coffee, with ice-cream and some superior cake, served like a luncheon,
+make a supper easily arranged, and one which winds up a pleasant
+evening in a very satisfactory way.
+
+
+
+
+BREAKFASTS
+
+A formal breakfast has little distinctive character.  It differs very
+slightly from an early luncheon, except that the viands are more
+distinctly breakfast dishes; as, toast, hot muffins, omelettes and other
+preparations of eggs, delicate farinaceous foods, _cafe au lait_, etc.
+If it is the veritable breaking of the fast the guests must be very late
+risers indeed, as 11 o'clock, or even 12, noon, is a fashionable hour for
+this so-called breakfast, which is a phase of social entertaining
+reserved for the "leisure class," or only at odd intervals possible to
+people of active pursuits.  The morning hours are precious to the hurried
+man of business, and the care-environed housekeeper; and "promptness and
+dispatch" is the motto of the breakfast table in most houses.
+
+The _real_ breakfast of everyday life is the meal where we least expect
+to meet guests--unless it be some one who is staying at the house.  It is
+a rare thing for a friend to "drop in" to breakfast, and to invite him to
+do so is perhaps the rarest expression of hospitality, and will probably
+remain so, while we remain a nation of brain and hand workers.
+
+During the summer vacation, when we pause for a breathing spell, no more
+charming hospitality can be offered than a dainty breakfast, especially
+in the country.  It may be the preliminary to an all-day house party, or
+a picnic excursion; or the breakfast may be the goal of an early morning
+drive by carriage or motor, and the hour may be early or late, just as
+you please; for is not vacation a period of emancipation from the tyranny
+of the clock?  But let not the hour be too early, for tired people are
+heavy sleepers; yet not too late either, lest the heat of the sun may
+have become too suggestive of the approaching noon-tide; late enough for
+weary eyelids to unclose willingly, early enough for the fresh dewy odor
+still to cling to the vines on the porch.
+
+The conventional breakfast in town is given very seldom as compared with
+dinners and luncheons.  It is peculiarly a holiday hospitality, reserved
+until the men are at leisure; for breakfast without the man of the house
+would be Hamlet with the prince left out.
+
+There is another significant distinction: the guests are chosen from the
+inner circle.  When, on Christmas morning, Mr. and Mrs. A.  entertain Mr.
+and Mrs. B. and Mr. and Mrs. C. at breakfast, we infer at once their
+intimate friendship and congenial companionship.  One may lunch
+impersonally with comparative strangers; one may dine formally touching
+elbows with one's dearest foe but one does not of choice breakfast with
+any one but a friend, or a friend of a friend--graciously accepted on
+trust.  Breakfast is the most intimate breaking of bread; not even the
+festive elaboration can make the friendly breakfast seem like anything
+but "playing at" formality.  The service is essentially the same as it
+usually is in that household, except that the children are not at the
+table.  The more homelike it is, the better; for home atmosphere is
+revealed as at no other meal, and on no other occasion can a visitor be
+made to feel so entirely "one of the family."
+
+The guests remain but a short time after a breakfast, chatting in a
+leisurely way, but leaving rather promptly.
+
+
+The problem of the family breakfast is complicated by the modern stress
+of business life.  In suburban towns the typical "commuter" must flee
+away with little ceremony; for the 7:08 will not wait, and the 7:10 is a
+way train.  In most families breakfast is on the European plan, so to
+speak.  For this very reason, perhaps, the occasional holiday breakfast
+is the more attractive.  With no train to "catch," no boat to "make," no
+office hours to "keep," no demon of driving work to lash one to the
+treadmill, how delightful to be able to breakfast with the serenity of
+the genial "Autocrat" himself; and how very odd it seems to find oneself
+sociably disposed at this unwonted hour!  May it not convey the gentle
+admonition that we might be more social every day, if we only thought so?
+
+Psychologically, the breakfast is peculiar.  It is the first commingling
+of the day; and whether it be the late holiday feast, or the usual family
+gathering, it sets the pace for the twenty-four hours.  A cheerful start
+in the morning may give an optimistic momentum for all-day hill-climbing;
+or, one may slip dejectedly down hill if leaden-weighted with a "morning
+grouch" (one's own, or somebody else's).  Even fellow "boarders" might
+reflect on this, with profit.  Preoccupied with our own affairs, we
+forget to be mutually considerate.  We habitually wake to rush and worry,
+taking social recreation chiefly at the close of day, when too weary to
+appreciate it.  Might it not sometimes be well to get ourselves into a
+good humor the first thing in the morning, and then work afterward?  Few
+people are of such a happy, self-contained disposition that they do not
+need the sustaining influence of other cheerful spirits.  Most of us
+would have more of sunshine in our hearts if the first business of the
+morning had been to put ourselves in harmony with our fellow-creatures
+socially.  And if we cannot do this every day, nor even often, according
+to our ideal, we at least doubly appreciate the rare occasions when it
+has been possible, and we feel impulsively grateful to the hostess whose
+thoughtful kindness has made our holiday so bright at its dawning.  Other
+ways of entertaining may be more imposing; none are more delightful.  Bid
+whom you will to dine with you, but ask me to _breakfast_.
+
+
+
+
+EVENING PARTIES
+
+This general term includes a variety of social entertainments, and
+suggests all degrees of formality, from the stately reception to the
+"surprise party."  With a range so varied, classification is not
+readily made.  Some features are always present: a host and hostess
+always receive; a guest always first pays his respects to his
+entertainers, and then mingles agreeably with the throng.  He makes
+himself useful in any way that tact and courtesy suggest.  Supper is
+served, usually the buffet collation.  It is more formal, and less
+confusing, if the guests go to the dining-room--convenient numbers at a
+time--instead of being served in the parlors, as at a luncheon.  On
+formal occasions professional readers and musicians are often engaged
+as entertainers.  Sometimes the amusement is furnished by clever
+amateurs among the guests, who may read, sing, or whistle, or what not.
+In a circle where all are well acquainted, some of the pleasantest
+evening parties are those to the success of which each one contributes
+his mite, cheerfully singing in the chorus when nature has denied him a
+solo voice, and not allowing any dark jealousy of superior gifts to
+deprive the harmony of his one little note.
+
+Invitations to these informal parties are cordial and personal in tone.
+If the guest is expected to make preparation, in costume or to fill
+some part on the programme, that fact is briefly stated.  For practical
+suggestions, consult "Parlor Games," adding any novel features that you
+can devise.  A hostess with original ideas for entertainments is always
+successful and popular.  Elderly people as well as the young enjoy
+these parties; and they are a safe resource for mixed companies, when a
+form of entertainment must be chosen that will please all and offend
+none.
+
+Children's parties, usually afternoon affairs, are often merely
+childish "good times"; but again, they are conducted in close imitation
+of an evening party for adults, and thus made a means of education in
+the social ceremonial.  When sensibly managed, the children's party
+affords a fine opportunity for training the little people in polite
+manners.
+
+When the children are almost grown up, but not "out," pleasant little
+parties for "the younger set" are given by the mothers, to accustom the
+"buds" to conventionalities, and prepare the debutantes and their young
+brothers to take their place gracefully in the larger social world.
+These younger-set parties are like a grown-up party, except that they
+are conspicuously chaperoned, and all responsibility is assumed by the
+mothers and godmothers.
+
+The two extreme phases of the evening party are the conventional ball,
+and the rural "sociable."
+
+The special requirements for a ball are good music, and large
+well-ventilated rooms, from which all superfluous furniture has been
+removed.  For music, an orchestra of four or six pieces may be
+sufficient.  For space, we must make the best of what we have, if the
+ball is given at home.  This is practicable only where the rooms are
+reasonably spacious.  Nowadays, a ball in a private house is rare, for
+hotels, clubs, and first class caterers furnish charming ballrooms for
+rental to exclusive patrons.
+
+But whether in her own house or in a hired ballroom, the hostess is for
+the time "at home"; and the general conduct of the ball is the same in
+both cases.  Decorations, floral and otherwise, are important; and a
+supper, served either during the progress, or at the close of the
+dance--or both--is an indispensable feature.
+
+The guests arrive at the hour designated, not earlier than nine
+o'clock.  The hostess is stationed at some point near the entrance of
+the drawing-room, where she remains during the evening to receive the
+guests, who must pay their respects to her, first of all.  A gentleman
+will also lose no time in finding his host, and paying him the courtesy
+of a deferential greeting.
+
+As the hostess cannot delegate her special duty of receiving, she has
+usually several aids, young matrons, who keep a watchful eye upon the
+dancing throng, and see to it that partners are not lacking for those
+who might otherwise be overlooked; and in any way that the emergency
+may suggest, or tact devise, they radiate the hospitality from its
+centre--the hostess.
+
+A gentleman in American society does not ask a lady to dance until he
+has been introduced to her.  He may seek an introduction for this
+purpose, or the hostess may request him to be introduced.  In either
+case, the lady and the gentleman both cheerfully acquiesce.  A lady
+usually accepts the invitation to dance, unless the dance is already
+engaged.  She should be careful to inspect her tablets; and not promise
+the same dance to two different partners, an awkward accident that
+sometimes happens to a heedless belle.  After a dance, a gentleman
+promenades with his partner, chats with her for awhile, and, finally,
+with a graceful bow, leaves her once more in the care of her chaperone.
+
+If a man has made an engagement to take a particular lady out to
+supper, he must not forget himself and linger talking to another lady
+until supper is fairly announced, since etiquette then requires him to
+take out the lady with whom he is at the moment talking.  He should
+seek the one he has chosen, some moments before, and leave the other
+lady free to receive other invitations to supper.
+
+Any gentleman who observes a lady who is not being served with
+refreshments, should courteously offer to bring her something.  If he
+is a total stranger he will attempt no conversation beyond the
+civilities of the case; but these he will cordially though
+unobtrusively offer.  The young man who does these little things with
+the gentle grace of a knight errant, may not know that he is simply
+charming, from a woman's standpoint; but the fact remains.
+
+A ball, proper, is a strictly formal affair.  A dancing party, while
+observing similar regulations on the dancing floor, may be, in the
+social intervals between dances, as informal as a village "sociable."
+That is to say, as informal as the sociable ever _ought_ to be;
+possibly not as informal as the sociable sometimes _is_.  People who
+have "grown up" together, as villagers often have, are apt to consider
+a life-long acquaintance the proper basis for unlimited off-hand
+familiarity.  To a certain extent, and in a certain sense, such
+acquaintance, being second in intimacy only to near relationship, does
+warrant a cordial and trustful informality.  The cautious reserve that
+marks one's conduct toward a recent acquaintance might justly be
+resented by a tried and trusted friend of one's youth.  But even
+relationship does not warrant undignified behavior, or rude liberties
+of speech or action.  The boy and girl who went to school together grow
+up to be the young man and woman of society; and while the memory of
+school days is a bond of hearty friendliness between them, it is not
+necessary that they should evince their mutual regard by a
+free-and-easy demeanor.
+
+Country sociables, attended largely by the younger members of families
+long acquainted and associated, are apt to be rather rollicking, not to
+say "rough and tumble," affairs, where practical jokes and unmerciful
+"guying" are the characteristic wit, and such smart tricks as bumping
+an unsuspecting comrade's head against the wall are applauded with
+shrieks of admiring laughter.  The onlookers may be excused for their
+tacit countenance of the rudeness, since some element of drollery--that
+might have been wit, under better conditions--compels a smile, in spite
+of a dignified disapproval of the performance.  A young student, unused
+to such scenes, standing a little apart from such a group once remarked
+judicially to a lady near him, "I do not care for such _dare-devil
+sociability_."  Nor would other young people cherish it as their ideal
+of a "good time" if they could learn how much more charming altogether
+it is to exchange the delicate courtesies that make up refined social
+companionship.  The difference in social culture is what distinguishes
+the vulgar wag from the urban wit.  The crude humor of the former,
+often marred by coarseness, is like ore in which the dross greatly
+out-weighs the pure metal.  The brilliant _mots_ of the latter, refined
+by the processes of culture, are like the gold nuggets separated from
+their base surroundings.
+
+How to eliminate the "dare-devil" from the sociability of country life,
+without substituting an artificial stiffness, is the problem for every
+thoughtful and refined man and woman in rural circles.  How to "be
+kindly affectioned one to another, in brotherly love, in honor
+preferring one another"--perhaps that would furnish the keynote of it
+all, alike for the citizen and the rustic.
+
+
+
+
+THE TWENTIETH CENTURY
+
+The preceding chapters describe established customs in home
+entertaining.  Such rules remain in force for the home conditions.
+
+But who can live in this electric-motor age without noting the gradual
+variation in "the ways of doing things"--changes that are directly
+traceable to the influence of modern inventions?  The trolley lines
+have brought large areas within the city limits; the swift automobile
+has reduced miles to furlongs.  Town and country are intermingled as
+never before, and each is sensibly modified by the other.  By its very
+name, the "Town and Country" club recognizes this new community of
+interests.  Its members, living even twenty miles away, outdo
+Sheridan's ride, in arriving at the club on time for luncheon, golf, or
+dinner.
+
+Which brings to mind this fact: that to-day a large part of formal
+entertaining in cities is no longer _at home_.  Elaborate dinners,
+teas, and luncheons are given at one's club, or at _cafes_, exclusive
+"tea rooms," and in the elegantly appointed private dining-rooms now
+provided by the best hotels.  After-theatre suppers are almost
+invariably taken at a fashionable restaurant--doubtless greatly to the
+relief of both the hostess and her housemaids.  While cooperative
+housekeeping is still an undeveloped scheme, things seem to be trending
+that way.
+
+The multiplication of huge apartment houses (and diminutive apartments)
+is the other prime factor in the case.  While the hotel dinner may have
+come into fashion first as the dire necessity of the "cliff dwellers,"
+its convenience appeals to many householders who formerly would not
+have dreamed of offering their guests the hospitality of a _cafe_.
+Many conservative people still deplore the innovation; but fashion
+approves, and the custom grows.
+
+Entertaining at one's club is governed by the rules of that particular
+club.  When entertaining at tea rooms, or _cafes_, one has simply to
+arrange with the superintendent or the head waiter, for tables or
+private dining-room, for the date chosen; to choose the _menu_, and
+order the decorations.  This done, the entertainers and their friends
+have but to appear at the stated hour and play their respective roles
+with care-free grace.  These dinners may be given by a bachelor, to a
+mixed company, or to a bevy of the debutantes, with the co-operation of
+a society matron or a married couple to chaperone the affair.  This is
+a very pleasant way for a bachelor to make return for the social
+attentions showered on himself.
+
+This way of entertaining may be lavishly expensive, but it is not
+necessarily so; all things considered, it may not greatly exceed the
+cost of similar entertaining at home.  In this land of the free, any
+one who will may give a tea room luncheon.  But the semi-publicity of
+these functions invites criticism; and people of moderate income
+discreetly forbear attempting anything too ambitious for their obvious
+means.  Elegant simplicity is always good form.
+
+
+The universal use of the telephone is another factor in the
+modification of social customs.  Among familiar friends, the little
+chat over the 'phone largely takes the place of the informal call.
+Also, invitations to any but strictly formal functions are now sent by
+telephone, if agreeable to both parties; though it is still considered
+better to adhere to the more respectful written form if there is any
+doubt about the new way being acceptable to the party of the second
+part.  While I counsel conservatism in these changes, I am convinced
+that the new dynasty of wire and wireless is destined to dominate us;
+and as discovery continues and inventions multiply, the time is near
+when _immediate communication_ will be had at long range; possibly
+telepathy--who knows?  Or, possibly tele-photography with it--why not?
+Then, the slow, laborious writing of messages will be as much out of
+date as the super-annuated stage-coach.
+
+But--not yet; we are still in the process of evolution.  It is still
+safe to heed Pope's famous advice:
+
+  "Be not the first by whom the new is tried,
+  Nor yet the last to lay the old aside."
+
+
+
+
+"THE STRANGER THAT IS WITHIN THY GATES"
+
+It is the duty of the host or hostess to give a polite and cheerful
+welcome to the guest whom they have invited to cross their threshold.
+During the time that she remains under their roof they have the
+responsibility of making her comfortable, and as happy as possible.  To
+do this, attention to details is of the greatest consequence.  It is
+possible to give dinners, and _musicales_, and receptions for a guest,
+and to introduce her to a choice circle of friends; to plan drives and
+excursions for sight-seeing to points of interest; to bring out the
+best preserves from the store-room, and put on the table all the
+delicacies of the season; and yet something may be lacking.  A subtle
+expression of discomfort may at times cloud the face of the guest, and
+greatly disturb the anxious hostess, who redoubles her efforts to think
+of something else in the way of entertainment and diversion.  If this
+well-meaning hostess will accompany me to the guest-room while its
+temporary occupant is reading on the "front porch," perhaps I can point
+out to her some things that will give a clue to the mystery.
+
+The guest-room is large and airy, and "well-furnished," as the phrase
+goes, with a soft carpet prevailingly blue, and a prettily carved oaken
+"set."  The bed is covered with a lace counterpane over a blue silk
+quilt, and downy pillows invite to slumber.  Curtains of blue silk and
+white lace are draped at the windows; cushions, tidies, sachets,
+gim-cracks of every description load the bureau, and lie around in
+profusion; a pretty rug of fluffy fur is spread before a comfortable
+couch, and a rocking-chair and foot-stool are in the cozy window
+recess.  A small table with a vase of flowers upon it occupies one
+space against the wall.  The wash-stand bears the regulation "toilet
+set," bowl and pitcher, soap-dish, etc., with the china jar set in the
+corner.  Plenty of damask towels hang on the rack, and the "splasher"
+is a marvel of needlework.  Well, is not this a pretty comfortable room?
+
+It seems ungracious to answer nay; but truth compels me to say that it
+proves to be a most _un_comfortable room, as managed.  Since the guest
+arrived, this three-quart pitcher has been filled each morning with
+cold water.  Beyond this, no offer of the aqueous element in any form
+has been made.  The guest, accustomed at home to an abundance of hot
+water, and the luxury of a bath daily--or oftener, at will--has been
+suffering the greatest privation rather than trouble her hostess with a
+request for something which is so evidently not thought of in this
+house.  With soap that "chaps," and a stiff nail-brush she has
+painfully scrubbed her cold knuckles to remove the grime which several
+days of imperfect ablution has rendered almost immovable--except as the
+skin comes with it.  And as to her customary bath, she has substituted
+so much of hasty sponging as chattering teeth will allow, finishing off
+with a dry polish when prudence forbids further risk of a chill; and
+she has completed her toilet with a sense of self-disgust, and a
+dissatisfaction with her surroundings which makes her long for the day
+set for the termination if this visit, which might have been so
+pleasant, if she had been made physically comfortable.  When she goes
+home she will answer, to the kind inquiries of her mother: "Oh! yes; I
+had a lovely time!--or that is, I should have had, if only I could have
+had a _bath_!"
+
+Whether it is that some people do not care for bathing, and therefore
+do not realize its necessity to the comfort of other people; or whether
+they have an idea that a "guest" is a being who, while in that _role_,
+needs none of the ordinary comforts of every-day life; or, whatever the
+reason may be, this failure to provide bath facilities is one of the
+most common and flagrant neglects of hospitality.
+
+When the guest-room has no private bath attached, and it is
+impracticable to offer the use of the family bath-room, a small tub of
+zinc or granite ware should be included in the furnishing of the
+guest-room, together with a square of thin oil-cloth to spread on the
+carpet.  The guest should be informed that hot water is always in
+readiness to be brought to her room whenever she requires it.  In
+country houses having no "modern conveniences," every kitchen stove may
+have an ample boiler always filled with clean water, so that at all
+times hot water may be available for bathing purposes.  It is
+unpardonable to live without at least this much provision for an
+essential condition of civilized life--"the cleanliness that is next to
+godliness."
+
+In addition to the water supply, the guest-room should contain other
+requisites for a comfortable toilet.  Presumably, every guest who comes
+for a several-days' stay brings with her the small articles she will
+need; but oversights are frequent in hurried packing, and the resources
+of the guest-room should be equal to any such emergency, even though
+only a part of the provision is required in any one case.  A neat,
+close cabinet, with a closet beneath and shelves above, is a desirable
+piece of furniture.  In the closet the bath-tub can be stored, and
+bath-brushes, "loofahs," and sponges can be hung up while the shelves
+may hold a supply of toilet sundries; for example, a flask of bay rum,
+and one of violet-water; a bottle of spirits of ammonia, a bottle of
+alcohol, a spirit lamp and curling tongs, tooth-powder, rosewater, and
+glycerine; a jar of fine cold-cream, hair-brush and combs, a
+clothes-brush, a whisk broom, a reserve supply of soap--"Ivory" (if the
+water is hard, this soap is superior for the bath) and fine castile,
+and a delicately-scented soap of first quality.  The cheap "scented"
+abominations should not be inflicted on a guest.
+
+The dressing-table should have a supply of pins in variety, including
+hairpins; a work-box, containing needles and thread, a thimble,
+scissors, tape, shoe-buttons, etc.  A bottle of cologne and also of
+some first-class "triple extract" should stand on the bureau.
+
+With all this provided, one is not likely to lack any comfort for the
+toilet; yet, with it all, the hostess should make her guest understand
+that the motto is: "If you don't see what you want, ask for it."  This
+freedom will not be taken by a sensitive guest unless it is clearly
+invited.  The self-complacent way in which a hostess sometimes ushers a
+guest into the "best room," and then leaves her to the mercy of what
+she can find--or, rather, _cannot_ find--forestalls all requests for
+additional supplies.  In the midst of all the satin and lace flummery,
+it is pathetic to suffer in silence for the lack of a little beggarly
+hot water.  And yet, such is the experience of many an "honored guest."
+
+Beside the toilet comforts, there are other things that may well be
+added to the equipment of the guest-room.  One, in particular, is a
+well-appointed little writing-desk, containing all the requisites for
+letter-writing, including stamps.  Perhaps the guest has brought these
+things with her, more likely she has forgotten them, and it may be a
+matter of great convenience to her to find this little desk awaiting
+her.  If there is a shelf above, a selection of standard and
+entertaining books may be placed thereon.  The Bible, a book of Common
+Prayer, a hymnal, may be included; a copy of Shakespeare, a dictionary,
+some clever and interesting book, like _Curious Questions_, and a
+volume or two of sketches and essays, ranging in style from Emerson to
+Jerome K. Jerome, may agreeably fill the mid-day hour of rest which the
+guest takes in her room before dressing for the afternoon.  The only
+trouble is that the guest who is made so thoroughly comfortable may
+forget to go home.  At all events, she will no doubt hail with delight
+a second invitation to come.
+
+It may be objected that to keep the guest-room supplied to this extent
+would involve a considerable expense; but that would depend on the
+character of the guest.  No well-bred woman would depend on these
+"supplies" for the entire period of a long visit.  They are there to
+meet the emergency of a belated trunk, of something forgotten or
+overlooked, or the delays in making necessary purchases after her
+arrival.  She will gratefully accept the cologne until her own flask is
+unpacked, but she leaves the guest-room supply but little diminished
+when she departs.
+
+The hostess who has been embittered by seeing only a train of empty
+bottles in the wake of a departing guest may naturally feel discouraged
+about offering unlimited hospitality in the matter of druggists'
+sundries.  But it is merely that she has been unfortunate in her
+guests.  She should revise her visiting list.  In entertaining the
+right sort of people, she will have no such experience.  She will be
+fully rewarded for every care she bestows to make her house a home-like
+resort, and she will find that the cost amounts to very little compared
+with the large return it brings in the way of social appreciation, to
+say nothing of the satisfaction afforded to her own benevolent
+impulses.  "It is more blessed to give than to receive," as the ideal
+hostess can testify.
+
+
+
+
+"MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME"
+
+The responsibilities of a visit are not all on the shoulders of a
+hostess.  The guest has also a duty in the matter.
+
+The phrase of welcome quoted above is variously interpreted, if we may
+judge by the various ways in which the injunction is obeyed.  To some
+people, "make yourself at home" is a free permit to take possession of
+everything on the premises; to cut the choicest roses in the garden, to
+call for the carriage at capricious will, to consult no one's comfort
+but their own, and to impose upon the polite forbearance of every one
+else, regardless--in short, to behave as no one can behave at home for
+any length of time without disrupting that home.
+
+To _make one's self_ at home is to _adapt one's self_ to one's
+environment.  If things are different from what we are accustomed to,
+we must try to accustom ourselves to _them_, and the mannerly guest
+will strive to do this, not as a cross, but as a pleasure.  She will
+meet cordially the friends of her hostess who are introduced to her,
+however little they attract her; she will cheerfully accompany the
+family to their church, even though it be of a different faith from her
+own; and she will listen respectfully to the sermon, and refrain from
+ungracious criticism of the choir or the minister.  She will take an
+interest in any local happenings that are of vital interest to her
+entertainers; she will show lively appreciation of everything done for
+her entertainment, even though it may be but a commonplace and dull
+affair, in her private judgment.  She will measure her grateful duty to
+them, not so much by the degree of pleasure which they actually give
+her, as by the amount of effort which they obviously make.  It is very
+ungracious for a guest of wide social experience to be apathetic when
+some unsophisticated little hostess offers what to her seems a novel
+treat, but which to her worldly-wise guest is a threadbare device.  No
+matter if the device is threadbare; the spirit of kindness which
+prompts the effort is immortal; and though we have seen "rainbow teas"
+until we are weary of them, we will enter cheerfully into the spirit of
+this one, because our little hostess in the innocence of her heart has
+worked so hard to make it ready in our honor.
+
+The guest should avoid giving extra trouble to the hostess, or to the
+servants.  She may offer assistance when circumstances warrant her
+doing so, but must refrain from meddling with household matters when
+her help is evidently not desired.  She should entertain herself easily
+when the hostess is otherwise busy, yet never seem to have any
+absorbing occupation that would prevent her from being ready at once to
+join the family in any project.  If there are children in the house,
+she should be cordial and affectionate with them, without gushing
+insincerity or indiscreet petting, and she should not betray any
+annoyance if they are noisy and occasionally troublesome--as the best
+of children will be at times.  She should aim to feel and act as though
+the interests and pleasures of the family were her own, and not make
+remarks that are tacit comparisons to their disadvantage.  If there are
+glaring faults in the domestic management, it is not her province to
+correct them, except so far as a quiet example may be subtly
+influential, as it will be, if at heart she makes herself a part of the
+circle of sympathy.  After her return to her own home, she should write
+a letter to her hostess, expressing the pleasure which the memory of
+her visit gives her, and gracefully thanking her friend for all that
+made the sojourn so restful and happy.
+
+There is something singularly inspiring in the idea of "making one's
+self at home," in the sense of finding the _value_ in every environment
+which fate, or chance, or Providence may place us in.  And when, as
+welcome guests, we listen to this hearty greeting, we resolve that in
+all ways consistent with our duty to our entertainers, and with all
+grateful appreciation of their kindness to us, we will "make ourselves
+at home."
+
+
+
+
+"AS THE TWIG IS BENT"
+
+Every one theoretically admits the importance of early training.  It is
+demonstrated in the animal and the vegetable kingdoms, wherever organic
+life unfolds and grows; and that the human child is no exception is
+promptly recognized in theory, however fatally practice ignores it.
+
+Not that parents mean to ignore it; but there is a "happy-go-lucky"
+impression that somehow "he will come out all right;" that "as he gets
+older, his own good sense will assert itself," and so on.  Happily,
+this is partly true.  A native good disposition and good sense saves
+many a child from the ruin which an unwise course of training has done
+its best to precipitate.  The wonder is that they "turn out" as well as
+they do.  Perhaps Providence, in visiting its judgments, is lenient to
+the young and inexperienced parents, themselves undisciplined; to the
+helpless child, at the mercy of his blind guides.
+
+There is too much negative, too little positive, in child-training; too
+much querulous reiteration of "don't," too little intelligent teaching
+how to _do_.  Little children like to be "shown how;" they are
+fascinated with the games and gifts of the kindergarten, which aims to
+_teach something_, not to _repress everything_.  Children are delighted
+to learn little polite phrases; to make a bow; to hold a fork daintily;
+to offer little courtesies, and to receive a smiling approbation.  They
+would rather do things prettily than not.  They are _not "contrary,"_
+exceptional cases of hereditary ugliness aside.  They are apt pupils,
+whether their tutor be a philosopher or a fool.  And if a faulty
+example be a child's most constant and influential teacher, what wonder
+that the lessons, well-learned, are put in practice?  And just then, if
+you listen, you will hear some one issue the emphatic but vacuous
+command, "Don't!"  And the baby _doesn't_, for the space of a few
+seconds; after which, unable to get any new suggestions out of the
+idea-less instructions given him, he proceeds to do the same thing
+over, only to be again commanded to desist, a spanking for
+"disobedience" this time varying the monotony of the universal
+prohibition.
+
+The profane poll-parrot is not a more startling witness to the
+character of its surroundings than the "terrible infant," whose rude
+snatchings, pert contradictions, and glib slang phrases are sure to be
+most effectively "shown off" in the presence of visitors.  It is of
+little use to affect grieved surprise, or stern reprobation, when one's
+children are merely exhibiting their daily discipline.  Most parents
+feel keenly the embarrassment of having the infant misbehave so
+inopportunely, and they are apt to offer a tacit apology and a vague
+self-defense by sharply reprimanding the child in words that are meant
+to give the visitor the idea that they--the parents--never _heard_ or
+_saw_ such conduct before, and are now frozen with amazement.  The
+nonchalant or incredulous or impish way in which the children receive
+these reproofs only confirms the suspicion that such scenes have been
+frequent, and the discipline attending them has been inconsequent.
+
+One parent I have heard acknowledge the truth of the matter.  An
+elderly clergyman was his guest, and the four-year-old daughter of the
+house was entertaining the "grandpa" with a toy puzzle, which he
+fumbled with in vain, unable to put it together or to take it apart.
+Impatient at last, the little girl hastily snatched it from his hand
+with a childish growl of contempt, and proceeded to show him the trick,
+saying, with an airy mingling of criticism and condescension, "By Jove!
+your name is Dennis; _you_ are not in it!"  The old gentleman paused,
+instinctively prepared to hear the usual "Why, daughter! papa is
+_astonished_ to hear his little girl," etc, etc., after the fashion of
+the parental hypocrite.  But this candid young father met the dignified
+eyes squarely, and said promptly, "I'm sorry, Doctor, but there's no
+use denying it; she is just giving _me_ away."  He had the sense to
+recognize his own teaching, the honesty to admit it.  Whether he has
+the discretion to reform his methods remains to be seen.
+
+For right here is another point: that people think it is "cute" for a
+_little_ child to say and do things that in a child a few years older
+would be most unattractively rude.  But they must reflect that this
+same cute little child will soon be a few years older, and will carry
+into that riper age the fixed habits that are forming now; and it will
+not be so easy a task to transform the child's manners as it is to
+dress him in a larger suit of clothes.
+
+A choice rose was grafted upon a wild, thorny stock, and planted beside
+a veranda trellis.  The owner watched it carefully for a year or so,
+cutting down the rank shoots of the wild stock as they sprang
+aggressively from the root, allowing the grafted branch to grow in full
+luxuriance, bearing carmine clusters that filled the garden with spicy
+odor.  The next spring an ignorant gardener pruned away the branches,
+cutting down the slenderest and leaving what to his unpracticed eye
+were the most desirable, because the thriftiest, shoots; and when the
+time of blossoms came, nothing appeared but the ragged petals of the
+wild thorn.
+
+So, in "the rosebud garden of girls"--or boys.  If the choice graft of
+cultured manners (for it _is_ a graft on the sturdy but wayward stock
+of human nature) is left to be choked out by the rank, wild growth of
+impulse, or if by some flagrant error in example and discipline it is
+practically cut down at the main branch, what can the careless trainer
+expect?  He may weep to find no velvet-petaled rose when he comes to
+look for it; but he has no right to blame the rose-bush, nor can he, at
+this late day, hide the tact of his blundering pruning by righteously
+affirming that he is "perfectly astonished."  His neighbors, who have
+quietly noted the methods pursued in his kindergarten, are not in the
+least surprised.
+
+Another resource for escaping blame is that of explaining that the
+children "learn these things at school."  Presumably they do not mean
+from the teachers.  It is "from the other children," who seem to be a
+most injurious class of society.  It is their influence which makes
+_our_ children so rude and so ungrammatical; and, strangely enough,
+though these other children never dine with our children, so subtle and
+far-reaching is their baleful influence that our children's defective
+manners at the table are directly traceable to the same evil source.
+
+Granted, a measure of truth in the charge; for large mirthfulness and
+large imitation lead children to do things "just for fun," which all
+the time they know better than to persist in.  But, as a fact,
+demonstrated by observation, a very small percentage of the children
+who are habituated to correct behavior at home are ever seriously
+affected by outside influences.  A superficial effect may show in
+little things; but such lapses of speech or manner are transient, and
+in no degree control the development of the child when his home
+training is irreproachable.  On the other hand, the efforts of an
+untiring teacher, laboring five hours a day to teach correct language
+and enunciation, may be of little permanent value, when the remaining
+hours of the day are spent in a home where the English grammar hourly
+meets a violent death.
+
+And what is true of grammar is equally true of morals and manners.  The
+school and society may be measurably influential; but the home casts
+the deciding vote.  And when people note the manners--good or bad--of
+your boys and girls, they do not ask, "What school do they attend?"
+"What children do they associate with?" but, "_Whose children are
+they?_"
+
+Would you have them mannerly?  Teach them; by precept, certainly; but
+above all things, by example.
+
+
+
+
+SOCIAL YOUNG AMERICA
+
+Henry the Fifth, of England, disposed of certain troublesome
+restrictions of etiquette by remarking that "nice customs curtsey to
+great kings:" but in the twentieth century, customs are more likely to
+curtsey to the common sense of the community at large.
+
+City codes and country customs present some contradictious.  The exact
+rules of etiquette in social formalities, which are derived from the
+established usage of fashionable circles in the city, are constantly
+subject to modifications when they are applied under the conditions
+found in rural neighborhoods.  This is plainly illustrated in the
+comminglings of social "Young America."  Whereas the city-bred girl is
+carefully chaperoned, the village girl of equal social standing,
+intrinsically speaking, is accustomed to go about unconcernedly, either
+alone or under the escort of some youth, with whom she makes
+engagements to drive, or walk, or row, or attend picnics, without
+either of them, as a rule, thinking it necessary to ask her mother to
+join them, or even to give her permission, that being taken for
+granted, since it has probably never been denied.  And the question
+naturally arises, Why _should_ it be denied, when the young man is a
+trusted chum of her brother, and as safe an escort for her as her own
+father would be?  It is a very different case from the similar instance
+in the city, where the gallant is a comparative stranger, who may or
+may not be reliable, and where a conventional world is coldly looking
+on.
+
+But, moreover, if this young country girl chooses, she goes alone to a
+little evening party a few doors away, or to the evening "meeting" at
+the village church, and this same youth, or some other one, escorts her
+home in an impromptu fashion.  The young lady probably invites him into
+the house, if the hour is early and the family are still circled about
+the parlor lamp.  Or, if it is late, she does not ask him in, but
+invites him to call.  She does not thank him for his escort, unless it
+has been given at obvious inconvenience to himself or others, and is
+therefore not so much a matter of gallantry as of neighborly
+accommodation.  In the latter case she does thank him frankly for his
+trouble.
+
+When the young man calls to see her, she receives him with or without
+the presence of her mother or other members of the family.  She may
+invite him to tea, with her mother's serene but passive approval; and,
+in fact, the goings and comings of these young people are more like the
+comradery of two girls than like the formal association of a young man
+and young woman in society.
+
+We are accustomed to call such a code a country code, because of its
+almost universal following in small towns and villages.  But similar
+freedom of association is also observed in city circles outside of the
+exclusive bounds of fashionable life.  Indeed, some of the fashions
+called "countryfied" are equally "cityfied," if we judge by the extent
+of the usage.  But what has been quite safe and sensible and refined in
+the particular instance in the country, may be a most unsafe freedom in
+the city, where every circle is constantly being invaded, more or less,
+by new-comers and by a floating contingent of transient people, whose
+record is not known even to the people who introduce them.  The frank
+friendliness that is usually good form in the village circle is usually
+a great mistake in the city.  It is better that young ladies, whether
+nominally chaperoned or not, should be guarded against making
+acquaintances too readily, especially among young men.  If a young man
+is deserving of social recognition, let the young lady's mother grant
+it to him by inviting him to her house and permitting his association
+with her own young people.
+
+A young girl should not extend these invitations to call unless she is
+well acquainted with the young man, or unless she gives the invitation
+in her mother's name, and with the understanding that he will be
+received by her mother as well as herself.  Usually, the mother should
+be the one to extend the hospitality.
+
+In the case of an unmarried woman who is no longer young, it is
+presumed that discretion will guide her as to when it is dignified and
+proper to give invitations to call, the conservative side being the
+safe side where strangers are concerned.
+
+The ideal condition of Americanized chaperonage is far from being
+realized in the great mass of American society.  A small and exclusive
+circle observes the English code in this matter; the rest of society
+ignore the whole idea--as an idea--though the thoughtful mother
+instinctively guards her daughter in a desultory way, perhaps meeting
+the spirit of the idea in the main, but flagrantly disregarding the
+letter of the formal code.  The two extremes we have; but a real,
+systematic code of chaperonage that is not French, nor English, nor
+Spanish, but wholesome, sensible, thorough-going American _mother's_
+guardianship we are yet to see definitely carried out.  The occasional
+instance of it which we now and then observe has taught us to
+appreciate what would be the happiest development in our social life,
+if once attained.
+
+Meanwhile, the average American girl will probably continue to shine as
+the startling exception to the rule; and in her remarkable escapes from
+serious blunders, will continue to bear the palm for self-command and
+good sense.  Her ability to ignore a law, while consciously cherishing
+all that the law was devised to protect, is a flattering indication of
+her mental and moral integrity.  Even a dull-witted person can follow a
+set rule; it requires some genius to make a legitimate exception, and
+it also involves some temerity.  It is like gathering mushrooms;
+perhaps they are edible, perhaps they are poisonous; for the various
+fungi look very much alike.  If it happens to be right, it is right; if
+it happens to be wrong, it is sheer disaster.
+
+A social code that borrows no artifice from foreign lands and
+institutions, but which, true to the spirit of our own country, guards
+the liberty of young girls on the one hand, while on the other it
+shields them from license, will be welcomed by all thoughtful people.
+The American chaperone is the coming woman.  The girls of the next
+generation will rise up and call her blessed.
+
+
+
+
+THE AMERICAN CHAPERONE
+
+The question of the chaperone in America is peculiarly perplexing.  The
+consternation of the hen whose brood of ducklings took to the water is
+a fit symbol of the horrified amazement with which an old-world
+"duenna" would be filled if she attempted to "look after" a bevy of
+typical American girls, with their independent--yet confused--ideas of
+social requirements in the matter of chaperonage.
+
+In Europe, where social lines are distinctly drawn, a young woman
+either belongs "in society" or else she does not.  In the former case
+she is constantly attended by a chaperone.  In the latter case she is
+merely a young person, a working girl, for whom "society" makes no
+laws.  In our country there is a leisure class of "society women," so
+recognized.  If these alone constituted good society in America, we
+might simply adopt the European distinctions, and settle the chaperone
+question by a particular affirmative referring to these alone.  But we
+reflect that our thoughts throughout this little volume are mainly for
+those who dwell within the broad zone of the average heretofore
+referred to.  In this republican land no one can say that the bounds of
+good society lie arbitrarily here and there; certainly they are not
+marked by a line drawn between occupation and leisure.  The same young
+girl--after leaving school, at the period when society life begins--may
+be "in society" during leisure hours and in business during working
+hours.  It is accounted perfectly lady-like and praiseworthy for a
+young woman, well born and bred, to support herself by some
+remunerative employment that holds her to "business hours."  She may be
+a teacher, an artist, a scribe, an editor, a stenographer, a
+book-keeper--what may she _not_ do, with talent, training, and good
+sense?  And she may do this without being one iota less a lady--_if she
+is one to begin with_.
+
+Now appears the complication.  As a business woman, the self-reliant
+young girl does not need a chaperone.  As a society woman, this
+inexperienced, sensitive, human-nature-trusting child _does_ need a
+chaperone.  She is, therefore, subject to what we may call intermittent
+chaperonage.  Business, definite, serious occupation of any kind, is a
+coat of mail.  The woman or girl who is plainly absorbed in some
+earnest and dignified _work_ is shielded from misinterpretation or
+impertinent intrusion while engaged in that work.  She may go
+unattended to and from her place of business, for her destination is
+understood, and her purpose legitimate.  She needs no guardian, for her
+capacity to take care of herself _under these conditions_, is
+demonstrated to a respectful public.  The spectacle of a stately
+middle-aged woman accompanying each girl book-keeper to her desk every
+morning would be burlesque in the extreme.  The girl who is thus
+allowed to go alone to an office in business hours, sometimes thinks it
+absurd for any one to say that she must not go alone to a drawing-room,
+and she _does_ go alone.  Right here this independent girl makes a
+mistake.  It is granted that the girl with brains and principle to bear
+herself discreetly during office hours is probably able--in the
+abstract--to exercise the same good sense at a party.
+
+But _the conditions are changed_ to the eye of the onlooker.  The girl
+who went to the office wearing the shield and armor of her work, now
+appears in society _without that shield_.  To the observer she differs
+in no wise from the banker's daughter, who "toils not."  Like the
+latter, she needs on social occasions the watchful chaperonage that
+should be given to all young girls in these conditions.  The woman who
+is in society at all must conform to its conventional laws, or lose
+caste in proportion to her defiance of these laws.  She cannot defy
+them without losing the dignity and exclusiveness that characterize a
+well-bred woman, and without seeming to drift into the careless and
+doubtful manners of "Bohemia."  The fairy-story suggests the principle;
+Cinderella could work alone in the dust and ashes undisturbed; but the
+fairy-god-mother must needs accompany her when she went to the ball.
+In the best circles everywhere, at home and abroad, every young girl
+during her first years in society is "chaperoned."  That is to say, on
+all formal social occasions she appears under the watch and ward of an
+older woman of character and standing--her mother, or the mother's
+representative.  The young woman's calls are made, and her visits
+received, in the company of this guardian of the proprieties; and she
+attends the theatre or other places of amusement, only under the same
+safe conduct.
+
+Society to the young girl is May-fair.  With the happy future veiled
+just beyond, she goes to meet a possible romance, and to traverse a
+circle of events that may haply round up in a wedding-ring.  It is of
+the utmost importance that she shall not be left at the mercy of
+accidental meetings, indiscreet judgments, and the heedless impulses of
+inexperienced youth, which may effectually blight her future in its
+bud.  A parent or guardian does a girl incalculable injury in allowing
+her to enter upon society life without chaperonage, and the unremitting
+watch-care and control which only a discreet, motherly woman can give
+to girlhood.  Men respect the chaperoned girl.  Honorable men respect
+her as something that is worth taking care of; men who are not
+honorable respect her as something with which they dare not be unduly
+familiar--though they account it "smart" to be "hail fellow well met"
+with the girl who ignorantly goes about unattended, or with other
+unchaperoned girls, on social occasions.  A girl must have an unusual
+measure of native dignity, as well as native innocence, always to
+escape the disagreeable infliction of either "fresh" or _blase_
+impertinence, if she has no mother's wing to flutter under.
+
+This absolute condition of chaperonage exists during the novitiate of
+the young society woman.  The requirement grows less and less rigid as
+the young woman grows more and more experienced, and learns to meet
+social emergencies for herself.  That delicate ignoring of a woman's
+age which is shown in calling her a "girl" until she is married also
+permits her to be a chaperoned member of society until that event.  But
+when obviously past her youth, it is no longer required that she shall
+wear the demeanor of a _debutante_.  Nor does propriety demand her
+mother's constant presence, when years of training have taught the
+daughter her mother's discretion, and when the mother's own serene
+dignity looks out of the daughter's eyes.
+
+We are proud of the ideal American girl.  I mean the one _who is
+essentially a lady_, whether rich or poor, the one whose sterling good
+sense is equal to her emergencies; the one who is self-reliant without
+being bold, firm without being overbearing, brainy without being
+masculine, strong of nerve--"but yet a woman."  Let her be equipped for
+the battle of life, which in our state of society so many girls are
+fighting single-handed.  Instruct her in business principles; teach her
+to use the discretion needed to move safely along the crowded
+thoroughfare and to follow the routine of the office or the studio,
+trusting that with busy head and busy hands she may be safe wherever
+duty leads her tireless feet.  But in her hours of social recreation,
+when she will meet and solve the vital problems of her own personal
+life, she needs a subtle _something more_; the mother's wisdom to
+supply the deficiencies of her inexperience, the mother's love to
+enfold her in unspoken sympathy, the mother's approbation to rest upon
+her dutiful conduct like a benediction.
+
+Let no young girl regard this watch-care as a trammel placed on her
+coveted liberty.  On the contrary, she will find that she has far more
+social freedom with the countenance of her mother's presence than she
+could have without it.  And in after years, when her life has developed
+safely and happily under this discreet leadership, she will look back
+to her _debut_, and her first seasons in society, with profound
+gladness that--thanks to somebody wiser than herself--she has escaped
+the follies that have in more or less measure injured the prospects of
+her young friends who were too "independent" to submit to the
+restraints of chaperonage, and who, for lack of it, to-day find
+themselves to a relative extent depreciated in social estimation.
+
+
+
+
+GREETINGS.  RECOGNITIONS.  INTRODUCTIONS.
+
+The proverb, "The beginning is half the battle," applies in a multitude
+of ways.  In the first instant of a greeting between two people, the
+ground upon which they meet should be indicated.  Cordiality, reserve,
+distrust, confidence, caution, condescension, deference--whatever the
+real or the assumed attitude may be, should be shown unmistakably when
+eyes meet and heads bend in the ceremony of greeting.
+
+To put into this initial manner the essence of the manner which one
+chooses to maintain throughout is one of the fine touches of diplomacy.
+People fail to do this when their effusively gracious condescension
+subsequently develops into snobbishness, or when an austere stiffness
+of demeanor belies the friendliness which they really intend to
+manifest.  The latter fault is often due to diffidence or awkward
+self-consciousness; the former is usually traceable to the caprice of
+an undisciplined nature, and is a significant mark of ill-breeding.
+
+The vital part of a greeting is in the expression of the eyes.  This is
+so nearly spontaneous that the most guarded cannot altogether veil the
+spirit that looks out of these "windows of the soul."  The studied
+attitude and genuflection fail to hide surliness or contempt; and
+hostility, bitter and implacable, may reveal itself by the smoldering
+spark of anger in the eye, and destroy the effect of the most artful
+obsequiousness of manner.  Since we cannot control this one
+impulsively-truthful medium of expression, it becomes a matter of
+policy as well as of morals to harbor no spirits whose "possession" of
+us would be an unpleasant and inconvenient revelation.
+
+Next to the eyes, the pose of the figure indicates the sentiment of the
+moment.  Arrogant assumption of superiority may be read in the expanded
+chest, the stiffened neck, and the head thrown backward at a decided
+angle; or, subservient humility is seen in the forward-bending head and
+the wilted droop of the shoulders.  And again, the difference between a
+real humility and the artificial deference which gallantry prompts is
+easily detected.  The gallant's head and shoulders are bowed, but not
+in meekness, for there is a certain tension in the controlled muscles
+that suggests that he can "straighten up" at will, whereas the really
+humble man appears to have no power to lift his bowed head or equally
+drooping spirit.
+
+The bending of the head and trunk, or the "bow," is the final and most
+active exponent of the spirit of the greeting.  In its degrees and
+gradations are marked the degrees of deference, real or formal.
+
+The bow begins at the head, and may observe the following gradations:
+
+It may be an inclination of the head only, differing from a "nod" in
+the dignity of movement.
+
+The inclination may extend to the shoulders, causing a slightly
+perceptible forward leaning.  This inclination may continue to the
+waist line.
+
+The extreme inclination bends the entire trunk from the hips.  The legs
+are straight and the feet near together, in the attitude of "position"
+in free gymnastics.
+
+In every bow, of whatever gradation, the movement should be slow, the
+eye steady, the face serene, and the whole demeanor expressive of
+polite interest in the object.  An averted eye is disrespectful, and
+suggests insincerity or treachery.  Not that it always means either;
+the "drooping eyelash" is affected by many women as gracefully
+expressive of feminine modesty.  It may be coquettish, but there is
+nothing particularly womanly in never looking a man in the eye.  Search
+the face that confronts you, and learn what manner of man this is whom
+you are receiving into your company and fellowship.  If he quails under
+the inquisition, so much the worse for him.  If he is worth looking at,
+it is a pity to miss the sight.  Moreover, we more than half suspect
+that a woman's face is more attractive if her eyes occasionally "look
+up clear," instead of allowing the downcast lids to hide all of their
+vivacity and expression.
+
+The gayety or the gravity of the countenance may serve to measure the
+cordiality or the reserve which respectively distinguish two
+"bows"--exactly alike as to movement, and equally courteous, the one
+inviting confidence, the other repelling familiarity.  The time, the
+place, and the occasion, and the mutual relations of people, decide the
+essential character of the appropriate bow.  It must always be the
+exponent of the nature and disposition of the individual, and of his
+relation to the person whom he greets.  No one has precisely the _same
+manner_ for any two people of his acquaintance--that is, if he has any
+vital manner at all.  We are to others largely what they inspire us to
+be, and only lifeless indifference reduces "manner" to one same
+automatic manifestation.  The life of a social greeting is in its
+exclusive spirit, and though the variations of outward manner are
+difficult to trace, it is a graceful and flattering thing to make this
+specialty of manner felt in every greeting extended.  Perhaps, after
+all, it is the eye that controls this, as the spirit within controls
+the eye.
+
+In general, the manner of a greeting should be optimistic, free from
+ungracious suspicion, and indicating a cheerful willingness to take
+people at their best; and even when most sternly forbidding
+intrusiveness, it should appear that the repulse is for good cause, and
+is not merely the expression of a capricious and unfounded arrogance.
+The latter quality, quite as often as not, characterizes the manner of
+snobs toward people who are infinitely their superiors in all that
+indicates character and breeding.
+
+The "curtsey"--or "courtesy"--is a feature of the minuet, and revived
+with the old-fashioned dance.  It is a pretty bit of old-time grace,
+and is appropriate in responding to formal introductions and greetings
+in the drawing-room, especially when paying respect to elderly people.
+It is most effective when executed in a costume of voluminous
+draperies.  It is a woman's ceremonial; no man ever "curtseys."  The
+regulation "bow" is the only "deference" that gracefully combines with
+a dress suit.
+
+The _courtesy_ is a strictly formal obeisance, and the courtly
+reverence which it embodies is something more abstract than concrete,
+not necessarily inspired by the person to whom its deference is shown.
+Like all greetings exchanged in the midst of crowds or in public
+places, it is somewhat impersonal in manner.  Personal recognitions and
+distinctions are reserved for more private occasions.  One's greetings
+to fellow-guests at a reception are uniformly affable, irrespective of
+personal preferences.  Though our dearest friend and our direst foe
+both be present, we must not pointedly discriminate between them; we
+are not at liberty to use the parlors of our host for either a lover's
+tryst or a duelling-ground.
+
+A guest's first duty on entering a parlor or drawing-room is to pay his
+or her respects to the hostess and the ladies who are receiving with
+her.  Gentlemen should also make it a point to find the host as soon as
+possible, and extend to him a similar courtesy.  The host, in turn,
+when not receiving formally with the hostess, roams at large, giving a
+hospitable greeting to each lady among his guests.
+
+In America, when a lady and gentleman meet, after being duly
+introduced, it is the lady's privilege to bow first.  This rule
+protects her from the intrusion of an unwelcome acquaintance.  But when
+the acquaintance is established and mutually agreeable, the rule is
+immaterial.
+
+In general, the elder or the more distinguished person bows first.  But
+if the one who for any reason would be the proper one to take the
+initiative is known to be near-sighted, and liable to overlook an
+acquaintance unintentionally, it is more polite for the other person
+not to stand on ceremony.
+
+It is interesting to note that on the continent of Europe the rule
+regarding recognitions is exactly reversed.  The subject bows first to
+the king, the courtier to the lady; deference to a superior, rather
+than social equality, being expressed by the bow.
+
+One of the moot questions of the day is, "When is it proper to
+introduce people to each other?"  The strictest etiquette forbids
+casual social introductions, or the introducing of any two people at
+any time without the consent of both parties.  It is argued that people
+who meet in a drawing-room as fellow-guests are introduced, by that
+mere fact, sufficiently for the social purposes of the hour; and they
+may engage in conversation, if they choose, without the least
+hesitancy; both understanding that this interchange involves no
+acquaintance beyond the present occasion.  By this arrangement an
+awkward silence is averted, and it certainly seems as if the chief
+argument in favor of "introducing people" is met; since, with "the
+roof" as their transient introduction, they are perfectly at ease
+without personal introductions.  When people are used to this idea it
+is altogether the most sensible and agreeable solution of the question;
+but many social assemblies demonstrate that a large number of people
+are yet waiting to be introduced, and not without some feeling of
+resentment when this ceremony is neglected.  Let it be understood that
+any one is at liberty to speak to a fellow-guest without an
+introduction; also, that such a "talk" does not warrant any subsequent
+claim of acquaintance.  If in the course of this impromptu chat mutual
+interest is awakened, either one may later seek an introduction in due
+form through some common friend.
+
+On informal occasions, when few guests are present, especially in
+country towns, it may be more kindly and social to give personal
+introductions; and the good sense of this idea, probably, is founded on
+the fact that under these conditions a hostess can be reasonably sure
+that the acquaintance will be congenial.  To the villager many of the
+extreme rules of etiquette are unreasonable, because the conditions
+that enforce them in town life are not present in the life of the quiet
+hamlet.  The rule regarding introductions is one which must be modified
+to suit circumstances.  It is one of the cases when various delicate
+considerations may justify exceptions.  The lady who in her city home
+introduces nobody, may in her country home introduce everybody, if that
+seems best.  In the matter of delicate exceptions we observe the most
+significant display of tact.
+
+When introductions are made, gentlemen should be presented to ladies,
+younger people to older people, etc.  The formula for introductions may
+be abbreviated to a mere announcement of the two names: "Mr.
+Smith--Mrs. Jones"--the pause and inflection filling the ellipsis; and
+really, upon the tone and manner depends the courtesy of the
+introduction so barren of phrasing.  A formal presentation is made in
+this form:--"Miss Smith, allow me to present Mr. Jones."
+
+Tact suggests that a hostess shall avoid bringing uncongenial people
+together; but if this unfortunately happens through ignorance or
+thoughtlessness, tact with equal urgency requires that the guests thus
+inauspiciously mingled shall not allow any one, not even the hostess
+herself, to discover the mistake.  The same rule which allows perfect
+strangers to be agreeably social for an hour, and then part as
+strangers yet, certainly will grant to enemies a similar privilege.
+
+The woman who conscientiously, and _perfectly_, hides her personal
+animosities rather than mar the harmony of the social circle, is doing
+her part to keep the world in tune.
+
+The offer of the social right hand of fellowship is a tacit recognition
+of equality.  Hand-shaking is said to be an American habit.  Certainly
+the social conditions in a republic are favorable to such a custom.  It
+is a pity that a mode so adapted to express the warmth and loyalty of
+friendship should be indiscriminately employed in casual greetings.
+The pressure of the hand should mean more than it can mean, when, as
+now, it is bestowed with equal alacrity on life-long friend and recent
+acquaintance.
+
+Fastidious and sensitive people are rather conservative in
+hand-shaking.  Etiquette allows considerable latitude.  It is proper
+and graceful, but not required, for two men to shake hands when
+introduced.  A lady does not usually shake hands with a new
+acquaintance, unless the circumstances of the introduction make her
+responsible for allowing special cordiality, as when a person is
+introduced to her in her own house.  A host and hostess shake hands
+with a guest; they may omit to shake hands with the same person when
+they meet him elsewhere.
+
+Whatever one's personal impulse, it is polite to defer to the evident
+preference of another; and to shake hands heartily if a hand is
+cordially extended, or to refrain from proffering the hand when reserve
+is evident in the manner of the other person.
+
+Hand-shaking as a conventional ceremony should be as impersonal and as
+void of significance as possible.  The clasp of the hand should be firm
+but brief; not hasty, yet not prolonged; and the fingers should relax
+and loosen their hold at once, not dropping listlessly, nor retaining a
+lingering pressure.  When a lady gives her hand to a guest she expects
+to get it back again almost immediately, and in an uncrushed condition.
+To hold another's hand until he or she is conscious of the detaining
+grasp is a liberty that only trusted friends may take.
+
+At the same time, a hearty manner of greeting may be the fashion in
+some places; and to meet it otherwise than cheerfully would seem
+churlish, according to local standards.  It is always well-bred--as
+well as politic--to conform to local customs so far as is consistent
+with dignity.
+
+Another custom, gradually going out, is the woman's fashion of kissing
+effusively each woman-friend of her acquaintance.  This senseless habit
+has no excuse for being.  When kissing is the language of impulsive
+affection, etiquette has nothing to say about it except to demand that
+the general public shall not be called upon to witness the ceremony.
+Public thoroughfares and thronged social assemblies we not the proper
+places for such demonstrations.  Nothing is less interesting than other
+people's kisses, unless it be the gushing recital of private affairs
+with which these unguarded people also entertain every stranger within
+earshot.  When scenes like these are observed at railroad stations and
+on board of trains when demonstrative leave-taking is in progress, we
+may forgive the exhibition since the circumstances warrant more than
+usual impulsiveness and forgetfulness of surroundings.  But when the
+most common-place meeting of acquaintances, who see each other every
+day, is attended with these phenomena, etiquette, as well as
+common-sense, enters a severe protest.  The kiss, which should be the
+most exclusive symbol of friendship, becomes the most insignificant
+form of greeting.
+
+It is not proper, according to strict etiquette, to give the kiss of
+greeting in public places; but when near relatives or cherished friends
+do choose thus to greet each other, the kiss should be exchanged
+unobtrusively and with dignity; conversation on private matters should
+be conducted in subdued tones, and a well-bred gravity--quite
+consistent with cheerfulness--should characterize the manner.
+
+It would be well if every person in society should register a solemn
+resolution never to kiss _anybody_ unless prompted to do so by the
+irresistible impulse of affection.  It is safe to say that nine-tenths
+of the kisses of social greeting would be dispensed with.  The quality
+of the remaining tenth would doubtless be proportionately improved.
+
+
+
+
+BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC THOROUGHFARES
+
+People understand and "make allowances" for many things that, to say
+the least, are thoughtless in the behavior of people whom they know
+well.  Not so "the general public," which measures every man's conduct
+by the strict law of propriety, and accredits him with so much
+intelligence and refinement as his manners display--no more.  And,
+happily, no less; for this "general public" is a dispassionate critic
+on the whole, and if it severely condemns our faults, it has no grudge
+against us to keep it from equally appreciating our merits.
+
+A "regard for appearances" is--and should be--a leading consideration
+when ordering one's conduct in public.  It is not enough that _we know_
+ourselves to be above reproach; we must take care that the stranger who
+observes us gets no impression to the contrary.  Friends who know her
+irresistibly mirthful disposition, may excuse the girl who laughs
+boisterously on the street-car; but she will not be able to explain to
+the severe-looking stranger opposite that she did _not_ do this to
+attract attention.
+
+Conduct in public should be characterized by reserve.  The promenade,
+the corridors of public buildings--post-office, railway stations,
+etc.--the elevators and arcades of buildings devoted to shops and
+offices; museums and picture-galleries, the foyer of the theatre, and
+the reading-rooms of public libraries may all be regarded as thorough
+fares, where the general public is our observant critic.  Greetings
+between acquaintances casually meeting in such places should be quiet
+and conventional; friends should avoid calling each other by name, and
+conversation should be confined to such remarks as one does not object
+to have accidentally overheard.  Subdued, but natural, tones of voice
+should be used, and the manner should be perfectly "open and above
+board."  Cautious whispering is conspicuous, sometimes suspicious, and
+always ill-mannered.  If confidential matters are to be discussed, the
+office or the parlor is the proper place for the conference.
+
+When acquaintances meet on the promenade, recognitions are exchanged by
+a slight bow, with or without a spoken greeting.
+
+On the crowded walk, if two acquaintances pass and re-pass each other
+several times in the course of the same promenade, it is not necessary
+to exchange greetings after the first meeting.
+
+Canes and umbrellas should not be carried under the arm horizontally,
+endangering the eyes and ribs of other pedestrians.
+
+A man, when bowing, lifts his hat in the following instances:
+
+When bowing to a lady.
+
+When, walking with a lady, he bows to another man of his acquaintance.
+
+When bowing to an elderly man, or a superior in office.
+
+When bowing to a man who is walking with a lady.
+
+When, walking with a lady, he joins her in saluting any gentlemen of
+her acquaintance, but strangers to himself; or, when walking with
+gentlemen, he joins them in saluting a lady of their acquaintance, but
+a stranger to himself.
+
+When offering any civility (as a seat in the street-car), to a lady,
+whether a stranger or an acquaintance.
+
+When bidding good-bye to a lady after an "open-air" conference, when
+the hat has been worn.  Punctilious etiquette requires a man to stand
+with head uncovered in the presence of ladies, until requested to
+replace the hat.  But in our changeable climate, the risk of "taking
+cold" suggests the good sense of wearing the hat out-of-doors, and
+allowing the graceful lifting of the same at greeting and parting to
+express all the deference that the uncovered head is meant to symbolize.
+
+The greater the crowd, the shorter the range at which greetings are
+exchanged.  One might "halloo" to an old acquaintance forty rods
+distant, down a country lane; but on Broadway he bows only to the ones
+whom he meets point blank.
+
+If two friends meet and pause to shake hands, they should step aside
+from the throng, and not blockade the sidewalk.  Ladies should make
+these pauses very brief, and beware of entering into exhaustive
+interchanges of family news.  Two men may linger, if they choose, and
+hold a few moments' conversation.  But if a man meets a lady, and
+wishes to chat with her, he should, after greeting her, ask permission
+to join her, and walk with her for a short distance; he should by no
+means detain her standing on the sidewalk.  He should not accompany her
+all the way to her destination, nor prolong such a casual conversation
+beyond a few moments.  He should leave her at a corner, and lift his
+hat respectfully as he bids her good-bye.
+
+If several people walking together on a sidewalk of average width meet
+other groups of promenaders, both parties should fall into single line
+as they pass, allowing each group a fair share of the walk.  This is
+especially incumbent when on a narrow crossing.  It is very rude for
+groups of three or more to walk abreast without heeding the people whom
+they meet, and often crowding the latter off the curbstone.  Young
+girls are sometimes very thoughtless in this matter.  "Turn to the
+right, as the law directs" is an injunction that holds good for the
+crowded sidewalk.
+
+If one, walking briskly, overtakes slower walkers ahead, and the crowd
+allows no space to get past them, one should watch for a chance to slip
+through a gap in the phalanx, rather than "elbow through."  If no
+chance seems likely to occur, and haste is imperative, a polite man has
+no recourse but to step outside the curb and walk rapidly ahead,
+returning to the sidewalk a few paces in advance.  A lady similarly
+hurried may slip through a small space, if one offers, with an
+apologetic "I beg pardon."  But in no case should pushing be resorted
+to.  It is very unmannerly for a party of loiterers to string
+themselves thus across the width of a sidewalk, and then saunter
+slowly, regardless of the fact that they are impeding the progress of
+busier people.  A policeman should call their attention to the fact.
+
+If the sidewalk is "blocked" by an orderly crowd, as it frequently is
+on the occasion of parades and other public demonstrations, a man may
+push his way through gently, saying, "I beg pardon" to those whom he is
+compelled to jostle.  The fine breeding of a gentleman never shows more
+conspicuously than in his manner of getting through a crowd.  The
+beauty of it is, or, perhaps, I might say, the utility of it is, that
+courtesy in such a case is very much more effective than "bluff," for
+the majority in an orderly crowd are inclined to be obliging, and
+quickly respond to a good-humored request; whereas, if one aggressive
+elbow begins to push, a hundred other elbows are set rigidly akimbo,
+and the solid mass becomes ten-fold more unyielding than before.
+
+If accosted by a stranger with a request for information as to streets,
+directions, etc., one should kindly reply, and, if not able to give the
+desired information, should, if possible, direct the stranger where to
+make further inquiries.  Cheerful interest in the perplexities of a
+bewildered sojourner in the city costs nothing and is always highly
+appreciated.  Only a pessimist or a snob would dismiss such a question
+curtly.
+
+If a lady's dress has been torn, or trimming or braid ripped and left
+trailing after contact with the nails in a packing-box on the sidewalk,
+or from some similar accident, it is polite to call her attention to
+the disaster.  A gentleman may do this with perfect propriety if he
+sees that she is not aware of it.  He should preface the information
+with "Pardon me," and should lift his hat, as always when offering any
+civility.
+
+When attending to business at banks, post-office, railroad
+ticket-offices, etc., one should pay no attention to other people,
+further than to guard against allowing one's absorbing interest in
+one's own affairs to make one regardless of the just rights of others
+in the matter of "turn" at ticket or stamp windows, or in the use of
+the public desk, pens, etc.--trifling tests of good manners that
+distinguish the well-bred, _and which illustrate very pointedly the
+truth that selfishness is always vulgar, and that an unfailing habit of
+considering other people's comfort is a mark of gentle breeding_.
+
+A lady should say "Thank you" to a gentleman who gives up a seat to her
+in a street-car or other public conveyance, where, having _paid_ for a
+seat, he has a _right_ to it, and his voluntary relinquishment of it is
+a matter of _personal courtesy_ on his part.  The woman who slides into
+a place thus offered without acknowledging the obligation is very
+thoughtless, or else she has erroneous ideas of how far chivalry is
+bound to be the slave of selfishness.  If the lady is accompanied by a
+gentleman, he, too, should say "Thank you," and lift his hat.  He
+should also be thoughtful not to take the next vacated seat himself
+without first offering it to the polite stranger.
+
+A young woman, strong and well, may properly give up her seat to a
+fragile woman, or a mother with a baby, or to an elderly man or woman.
+
+Young ladies of leisure, who are not weary, should not be too ready to
+"oust" tired clerks and laboring men whose ride home at six o'clock is
+their first chance to sit down, for ten hours.  A _gentleman_ is
+chivalrous; and there is a corresponsive quality in a _lady_, which
+makes her delicately sensitive about unjustly imposing on that
+chivalry, or which, in emergencies of sickness or disaster, enables
+_her_ to be the _chivalrous in spirit_, and bear on her slender
+shoulders the burden that is temporarily dropped when some stroke of
+Providence lays the strong man low.
+
+On the other hand, there are women of coarse fibre, who imagine that
+they vastly increase their own importance by being selfishly exacting
+in the matter of men's self-sacrificing attentions.  They may browbeat
+the men who are in their power; but, outside of this narrow world of
+their own, they are held in thorough contempt by the very men whose
+admiration they had hoped to gain by their aggressive and ill-tempered
+demands.
+
+Men who smoke on the street should avoid the crowded promenade, where
+ladies "most do congregate;" since it is nearly impossible to avoid
+annoying some one with the smoke.
+
+In most towns, the Board of Health ordinance forbidding spitting on
+floors, sidewalks, etc., is not only a hygienic safe-guard, but a much
+needed enforcement of good manners.  Comment is superfluous.
+
+Based upon an idea borrowed from olden days--that the right arm, the
+"sword arm," should be free for defense--a custom formerly prevailed
+for a man, walking with a lady, to place her always at his left side.
+Then later--also with some idea of shielding her from danger--it was
+the custom for a man to walk next to the curbstone, whether it happened
+to be left or right.  This is still the rule, unless the sidewalk is
+crowded; in which case a man walks at the side next the opposing
+throng, in order to shield a lady from the elbows of the passers-by.
+
+Authorities are divided on the subject of elevator etiquette, some
+denouncing in round terms the man who is so rude as to keep his hat on
+in an elevator where there are ladies; arguing that the elevator is a
+"little room," an "interior," not a thoroughfare.  Others are equally
+emphatic in asserting that the elevator _is_ a thoroughfare, _merely_;
+and that hats are not to be removed, except under the same conditions
+that would call for their removal in the street--as the greeting of
+acquaintances, or the exchange of civilities.  The good sense of this
+view is apparent.  A hat held in the hand in a crowded elevator is sure
+to be in the way, and liable to be crushed.  A gentleman who wishes to
+compromise between stolid ignoring of the ladies who are strangers, and
+superfluous recognition of their presence, may lift his hat and replace
+it immediately, when a lady enters the elevator, or when he enters an
+elevator where ladies already are.  Such a courtesy differs from a
+greeting in this: a stranger offering this elevator civility _does not
+look at the lady_, nor does he bend his head; and his lifted hat is an
+impersonal tribute to the sex.  A lady makes _no response_ to such a
+courtesy; yet there is in her general bearing a subtle something, hard
+to describe, but which every gentleman will readily recognize, that
+shows whether or not she observes and appreciates his little act of
+deference.  The atmosphere of good manners may be as invisible as the
+air about us; but we know when we are breathing it.
+
+During a promenade in the day-time, a lady does not take a man's arm
+unless she is feeble from age or ill-health, and needs the support.  In
+the evening, a gentleman walking with a lady may offer her his arm.  On
+no account should a man take a woman's arm.  This is a disrespectful
+freedom, that might be supposed to be the specialty of the rustic beau,
+if it were not so frequently observed in city thoroughfares.
+
+The "cut direct" is the rudest possible way of dropping an
+acquaintance; and is allowable only in the case of some flagrant
+offender who deserves public and merciless rebuke.  Ordinarily, the
+result sought--of ending an undesired acquaintance--is attained by a
+persistently cold courtesy, supplemented by as much avoidance as
+possible; drifting apart, not sinking each other's craft without
+warning.
+
+As crowds are distracting, and people bent on their own errands are
+often oblivious of their surroundings, it is quite possible for a
+seeming cut to have been an unconscious oversight.  When an
+acquaintance seems not to see one, though close at baud, it is possible
+that something closer yet to his consciousness is absorbing all his
+thoughts.  Only clear and unmistakable evidence of _intention_ should
+lead one to infer a slight.  It is not only more _polite_, but more
+_self-respecting_, to "take offense" _slowly_.
+
+
+
+
+IN PUBLIC ASSEMBLIES
+
+At the theatre or opera, at concerts, or popular lectures, at
+"commencements," and other prosperous and happy public entertainments,
+a certain gayety of manner may be in harmony with the occasion; but it
+should be under control, a smiling cheerfulness, not a free-and-easy
+jollity.  Before the play, or the programme, begins, social
+conversation is usually allowable in quiet tones that do not disturb
+the surrounding people.  A gentle hum of lively voices is not an
+unpleasant overture on such occasions.  But the moment the orchestra
+begins, if at the theatre, or the instant that the meeting is called to
+order by any initial feature of the programme, silence should fall upon
+the assembly, and not a whisper be heard.  Polite attention should be
+given to each feature of the hour.  Programmes should be folded and
+arranged for easy reference before the exercises begin, so that no
+rustling of papers shall mar the effect of the music, or interfere with
+the speakers or listeners.  The noisy handling of programmes is a most
+exasperating exhibition of thoughtlessness, and can easily be avoided
+by a little caution.
+
+It should be accounted a matter of good form not to be late in arriving
+at the theatre, opera, etc.  People sometimes think that because their
+seats are secured by their ticket-coupons, it makes no difference
+whether they are in their places before the curtain rises or not.  But
+it is inconsistent for people who would be thought to be well-mannered,
+to inflict on others so much annoyance as is the result of coming late
+and making a commotion arranging seats, etc., after a drama is in
+progress, or a lecture or concert begun.  When this happens, it should
+be the rare and unavoidable accident of detention, not the habitual and
+perhaps even ostentatious custom that it seems to be with some people.
+The noise about the swing-doors, and the rustle in the aisles, the
+banging of hinged seats, and the occasional parley with the usher,
+render the seats under the galleries practically valueless during the
+first half of the performance, since the speakers cannot be heard in
+the midst of the confusion.  The "sense" of the opening act being lost,
+the entire play is marred simply because forty or fifty people are ten
+or fifteen minutes late.  If managers would combine and agree to order
+the doors closed several minutes before the performance begins, it
+would soon remedy the trouble, and a host of patrons would applaud
+their course.  The most aggravating thing about annoyances of this kind
+is that they are inflicted by the very few, and suffered by the very
+many.
+
+In crowded theatres and lecture halls, heavy coats and wraps must be
+disposed within each owner's own territory.  They should not lie over
+the top of the seat or bulge over into the adjoining seats to encroach
+upon other people.  Nor should the owner of a big overcoat double it up
+into a cushion and sit upon it, to raise himself six inches higher, to
+the disadvantage of the person seated back of him--a selfish
+preparation to see the sights which we sometimes observe, even in the
+parquet centre.
+
+The fashion, now almost universal, of removing hats at all spectacular
+entertainments, does away with what was formerly a conspicuous source
+of annoyance.  For awhile this downfall of view-obstructing millinery
+promised a "square deal" to the occupants of the back rows.  But of
+late vanity has re-asserted itself in the guise of elaborate
+hair-dressing, until the aigrette and the bow have become as great an
+imposition as was their predecessor, the flaring hat.  This evasion of
+the issue will be more difficult to control by public prohibition.  It
+remains for the polite woman to avoid adopting, for such occasions, the
+towering head-dress that evokes not admiration but execration from the
+people seated behind her.  No woman need risk annoying others in order
+to be attractive herself; there are numerous styles that are both
+unobtrusive and becoming.  Moreover, the woman in good society has
+ample opportunity to exhibit her elaborate coiffure at private social
+functions.
+
+People who wish to leave the theatre between the acts should make it a
+point to secure end seats and not _scrape_ past half a dozen other
+people three or four times during the performance.  If it is necessary
+to trouble other people to rise and step aside to allow one to take or
+to leave his seat, the person thus obliged should preface the action
+with "I beg pardon," or "May I trouble you to allow me to pass;"--and
+should acknowledge the obligation by saying "Thank you."  This may not
+lessen the inconvenience to other people, but it may mollify the
+feeling of irritability that such things naturally arouse.
+
+It ought to be superfluous to say that talking aloud, or continuous
+whispering during the progress of a play or opera or concert, usually
+on topics foreign to the occasion, is a rudeness to the performers and
+a bold impertinence to the rest of the audience.  Some people are
+guilty of this insolence wittingly and unblushingly.  For such we have
+no word of advice.  Such instances should be met by something more
+effective than "gentle influence."  But many, especially young people,
+talk and laugh thoughtlessly, and from mere exuberance of animal
+spirits.  It is to be hoped that on pausing to reflect they will
+carefully avoid forming a habit of public misbehavior that will
+ultimately rank them in the social scale as confirmed vulgarians.  An
+_intelligent_ listener never interrupts.  Between the scenes of a play,
+or the successive numbers of a concert programme, there are pauses long
+enough for a brief exchange of comment between two friends who are
+sharing an entertainment, and they may enjoy the pleasure of thus
+comparing notes without once disturbing the order of the time and place.
+
+At a spectacular entertainment, it is very rude for those in front to
+stand up in order to see better, thus cutting off all view for those
+back of them.  The disposition to do this is very strong in rural
+audiences, where the flat floor of the school-house or hall gives
+little chance for the observers seated back of the first few "rows."
+But one may better lose part of the "tableau" on the stage than to
+furnish _another_ one on the floor of the house.
+
+At a lecture, a special personal respect is due to the speaker.  This
+is shown by a courteous attention and a general demeanor of interest
+and appreciation.  If applause is merited, it should be given in a
+refined manner.  The stamping of the feet is coarse, and the pounding
+of the floor with canes and umbrellas is as lazy as it is noisy.  The
+clapping of hands is a natural language of delight, and, when
+skillfully done, is an enthusiastic expression of approbation.  Some
+effort is being made to substitute the waving of handkerchiefs as a
+symbol of approval or greeting to a favorite speaker, but it is quite
+probable that this silent signal will not take the place of the more
+active demonstration of clapping the hands, except on very quiet and
+intellectual occasions.
+
+Shall ladies join in applause?  As a matter of fact, women seldom
+applaud, but not because propriety necessarily forbids; it is chiefly
+because the tight-fitting kid glove renders "clapping" a mechanical
+impossibility.  Feminine enthusiasm is quite equal to it at times, as,
+for instance, when listening to a favorite elocutionist or violinist.
+There is no reason why ladies may not "clap," if they _can_.  It
+certainly is quite as lady-like and orderly as for them to give vent to
+their enthusiasm, as many do, in audible exclamations of "Too sweet for
+_anything_!" "Just too _lovely_!" etc., all of which might have been
+"conducted off" at the finger-tips if hand-clapping had been a feasible
+medium of expression.
+
+Applause may be a very effective and graceful exponent of gentlemanly
+appreciation if given with discrimination; but if too ready and
+frequent, it ceases to have any point, and becomes commonplace.  While
+a man of taste will applaud heartily on occasion, he will refrain from
+extravagant and continuous clapping.
+
+The observance of the proprieties of time, place, and occasion are
+nowhere more urgent than at church.  Much of the liberty that is
+granted on secular occasions is entirely out of place in church.
+
+While quiet greetings may be exchanged at the church door, or in the
+outer vestibules, before and after service, it is not decorous to chat
+sociably along the aisles, or hold a gossiping conference in whispers
+with some one in the neighboring pew.  I have in mind one woman, who
+ought to have known better, whose sibilant utterances--just five pews
+distant--came to be a regular part of the five minutes' pause
+immediately before the service began.  Her conversation was usually
+directed to another woman, who, likewise, should have known better than
+to listen.  The silent vault of the church roof echoed to the vigorous
+whispering up to the instant that the clergyman began, in low monotone,
+"The Lord is in His holy temple"--a fact which the whisperer had
+obviously forgotten--"let all the earth keep silence before Him"--an
+injunction which she never seemed to be able to remember from week to
+week.
+
+It is one of the worst violations of good form to behave with levity in
+church.  To devout people the church is the place for meditation and
+prayer, and nothing should be allowed to disturb the restful calm that
+is sought within its sacred walls.  A well-bred agnostic will respect
+the religious sentiments of other people, whatever his own beliefs or
+disbeliefs in matters theological.  If no higher law is recognized, at
+least every one will regard the etiquette of the case, which requires
+that the demeanor of every one within the walls of the church shall be
+reverent.
+
+It is proper to dress plainly and _neatly_ for church; to enter the
+portal quietly, to walk up the aisle in a leisurely but direct way, and
+be seated at once with an air of repose.  If cushions or books require
+rearranging, it should be done with as little effort as possible.
+Every movement should be quiet, and the rattling of fans and of books
+in the rack, and "fidgeting" changes of position should be avoided.
+The movements in rising, sitting, and kneeling should be deliberate
+enough for grace, and cautious enough to avert accidents, like hitting
+the pew-railings, knocking down umbrellas, or kicking over footstools.
+No sounds but the inevitable rustle of garments should attend the
+changes of posture during the service.  Not unfrequently several canes
+and as many hymn-books clatter to the floor with each rise of the
+congregation, because of somebody's nervous haste.  Children are often
+responsible for these little accidents, and of course are excusable,
+but they should be early taught to observe caution in these little
+matters.
+
+The clergyman should have the undivided attention of his hearers.
+During the lesson and the sermon, one should watch the face of the
+reader, or speaker, and give to the minister all the inspiration that
+an earnest expounder may find in the face of an intelligent listener.
+It is probably thoughtless, not intentional, disrespect--but still
+disrespect--for a person to spend "sermon time" studying the
+stained-glass windows or the symbolical fresco, interesting as these
+things may be.
+
+The singing of the choir may be good; if so, one should not listen to
+it with the air of a _connoisseur_ at a grand concert.  Or the singing
+may be very poor; that fact should not be emphasized by the scowling
+countenance of the critic in the pews.  A mind absorbed in true
+devotion does not measure church singing by secular standards.  The
+_spirit_ may be woefully lacking in the most artistic rendition: it may
+be vitally present in the most humble song of worship.  While we may
+with righteous indignation condemn the sacrilege of a _spiritless_ or
+irreverent singing of the sublime service of the church, it is very bad
+form to sneer at the earnest and sincere work of a choir whose
+"limitations," in natural gifts or culture, render their work somewhat
+commonplace.  It is good form to respect all that is _honest_ in
+religion, and to reserve sharp criticism for the shams and hypocrisies
+that cast discredit on the church.
+
+A regular "pew-owner" in a church should be hospitable to strangers,
+and cheerfully give them a place in his pew, offering them books and
+hymnals, and aiding them to follow the service if they seem to be
+unaccustomed to its forms.  At the same time it is only fair to say
+that this duty becomes a heavy tax on generosity and patience when, as
+in some very popular churches, a floating crowd of sight-seers each
+Sunday invade the pews, to the serious discomfort of the regular
+occupants.  People who attend church as strangers should remember that
+they do so by courtesy of the regular attendants.  A broad view of the
+church opening its doors to all the world is theoretically true, but
+practically subject to provisos.  A church visitor who observes much
+the same care not to be intrusive which good form would require him to
+observe if visiting at a private house, will usually be rewarded with a
+polite welcome.
+
+The stranger attending church should wait at the foot of the aisle
+until an usher conducts him to a seat, as the usher will know where a
+stranger can be received with least inconvenience to others in the pew.
+The stranger should not take possession of family hymn-books, or fans,
+or select the best hassock, or otherwise appropriate the comforts of
+the pew, unless invited to do so by the owner, whose guest he is, in a
+sense.  If attentions are not shown him, he must not betray surprise or
+resentment, nor look around speculatively for the hymn-book that is not
+forthcoming.  If the service is strange to him, he should at least
+conform to its salient forms, rising with the congregation, and not
+sitting throughout like a stolid spectator of a scene in which he has
+no part.
+
+The head should be bowed during the prayers, and the eyes at least
+_cast down_, if not closed.  To sit and stare at a minister while he is
+praying is a grotesque rudeness worthy of a heathen barbarian, yet one
+sometimes committed by the civilized Caucasian.  The incident may
+escape the knowledge of the well-mannered portion of the congregation,
+who are themselves bowed in reverent attitude; but the roving eye of
+some infant discovers the fact, and it is at once announced; and worst
+of all, the child unconsciously gets an influential lesson in
+misbehavior in church from the "important" man who thus disregards the
+proprieties.
+
+
+
+
+BEARING AND SPEECH
+
+Physical culture may be a "fad," but its aesthetic results are conceded.
+The graceful control of the body is the basis of a fine manner.
+
+It is an opinion of long standing that children should be taught to dance
+in order to develop grace of movement.  Yet dancing, _merely_, gives but
+a limited training of the muscles compared with the all-round exercise
+now taken in gymnasiums and classes for physical culture.  It is
+recommended that all who are deficient in "manner," or who suffer an
+embarrassing self-consciousness because of their awkwardness of pose or
+movement, should take a course of training under an intelligent teacher,
+until every muscle learns its proper office.  With the self-command which
+this training gives, ease of manner and dignity of bearing follow
+naturally; to say nothing of the serenity of mind that lies back of all
+this pleasing exterior.
+
+The effect of this bodily grace is to prepossess the beholder.  First
+impressions are received through the eye.  Before a word is spoken, the
+pose and carriage convey a significant announcement of character and
+breeding.
+
+A thorough practical knowledge of elocution and constant application of
+its principles to conversational utterances are requisite to refined
+speech.  Errors in pronunciation, hasty and indistinct enunciation, the
+dropping out of entire syllables in curt phrasing, are common faults of
+careless people _who know better_, and who would be very much chagrined
+to find themselves accounted to be as ignorant as their speech might
+indicate them to be.
+
+A varied vocabulary used with discrimination indicates intelligence and
+culture.  A single word uttered may reveal grace, or betray awkwardness.
+In the social interchange, one must not only suit the action to the word,
+but equally suit the word to the action.  Careless speech often belies
+civil intentions.
+
+Say "Thank-you," not "Thanks,"--a lazy and disrespectful abbreviation.
+If you say "Pardon me," let your manner indicate a dignified apology.  "I
+beg your pardon," is sometimes only the insolent preface to a flat and
+angry contradiction.  In most phrases of compliment, the words derive
+their real significance from the manner of the speaker.
+
+There is a difference of opinion as to whether people of social equality
+should add "Sir" and "Ma'am" to the responses "Yes" and "No"; and
+especially, whether children should be taught to do so.  The English
+fashion--largely copied by Americans--does not favor it.  Certainly,
+children can learn to say "Yes" and "No" with the courteous manner that
+implies all that the added "Sir" might convey.  But, are not some young
+Americans too ready to take advantage of this permitted lapse of verbal
+deference?  And, back of the verbal lapse is there not a distinct lapse
+of the deference itself?  It might be well to begin to counteract this
+irreverent tendency of the age, by cultivating a more respectful and
+appreciative spirit.  Then, the polite word will come spontaneously to
+the lips.  It will be a matter of morals, essentially: of manners,
+incidentally.
+
+Deplorable as a heedless curtness of speech is, it is hardly more
+unpleasant than the artificial mincing of words that some children are
+drilled into (or learn by imitation of their elders).  This superficial
+effusiveness, supposed to be "pretty" manners, is related more to
+subjective vanity than to objective courtesy.  Not allowed to say "Sir,"
+they substitute the name or title of the person addressed,--which, when
+introduced occasionally and unobtrusively, is a graceful personal
+recognition; but when overdone, as too often observed, the constant
+iteration of "Yes, Mr. Brown,"--"No, Mrs. Black," etc., grows to be a
+maddening exposition of precocious affectation.
+
+Having observed the vagaries of this fashion in phrasing for several
+years, I have come to the conclusion that the plain "Sir" of former
+times,--which, to the "well-brought-up" child, was a practical
+application of the Fifth Commandment,--is much to be preferred to the
+fussy elaboration of personal address that has superseded it.
+Indications at present are, that the old-fashioned "Sir" and "Madam" are
+coming into their own again, among truly courteous people.
+
+But whatever the fickle fashion of the hour may be, it is important to
+enforce the truth that the spirit of words and deeds is the essence of
+good manners.  If this right spirit be lacking, no words can fill the
+blank.  If an ugly spirit dwells within, no word of compliment can veil
+its evil face.
+
+But though the good spirit be there, with all its generous impulses and
+kindly feeling, it needs the concrete expression; otherwise, its very
+existence may remain unknown.  "A man that hath friends must show himself
+friendly."  Pose, bearing, facial expression, the winning smile,--all
+these are silently eloquent; but, to convey the perfect message from soul
+to soul, there must be added the "word fitly spoken."
+
+
+
+
+SELF-COMMAND
+
+A theme for a volume!  Briefly, it is the mark of a well-disciplined
+mind to be able to meet all emergencies calmly.  Though china break,
+and gravy spill, the hostess and the guest must not allow the accident
+to ruffle their perfect serenity of manner.  Nor is it merely a point
+of etiquette to be thus self-controlled.  Serious accidents sometimes
+happen, like the igniting of fancy lamp-shades or filmy curtains, and
+then the calm poise of a well-bred man becomes of practical value to
+himself and others.  A habit of keeping cool--formed originally for
+good manners' sake--may save one's life in some crisis of danger.
+
+Control of temper is one of the most valuable results of training in
+the etiquette of calm behavior.  Manifestations of ill-temper may be
+the occasional outburst of a spirit that dwells under the shadow of an
+ancestral curse, but which in its better moments grieves in sackcloth
+and ashes over its yielding to wild, ungovernable impulse.  Such people
+are often generous and self-sacrificing in the main, though causing so
+much sorrow and disaster to others by these occasional whirlwinds of
+passion.  In all that delicacy of feeling and usual regard for "the
+amenities" indicate, they are "well-bred."  To say that they are not is
+as ungenerous as to criticise the conduct of the insane.  But habitual,
+cold-blooded, and willful ill-temper--the trade-mark of unmitigated
+selfishness--is indisputably ill-bred.  Whatever the tendency,
+temperament, or temptation, good form requires the cultivation and the
+exhibition of good humor and a disposition to take a cheerful and
+generous view of people and things.
+
+This calm serenity does not mean weakness or moral cowardice.  The
+dignity that forbids one to be rude also forbids one to endure
+insolence.  A gentleman may scathe a liar in plain unvarnished terms,
+and yet not lose a particle of his own repose of manner; and the higher
+his own standards are, the more merciless will be his denunciation of
+what he holds to be deserving of rebuke.  But through it all, he has
+his own spirit well in hand, under curb and rein.  The ominous calm of
+a well-bred man is a terror to the garrulous bully.  It is "the triumph
+of mind over matter."
+
+Next to the etiquette of self-control--and, if anything, harder to
+comply with--is the etiquette of forbearance, which is often
+overlooked; for people who have high standards themselves are apt to be
+intolerant of gross offenders against social rules.  Those who by
+inheritance or by culture are blessed with a logical mind and an
+equable temper, should be lenient in judging cruder people, whose dense
+ignorance aggravating their malicious intent, causes them to do
+astounding violence to the principles of morality and etiquette alike,
+by exhibitions of ugly temper.  Only by making allowances can the
+conduct of some people be accounted less than criminal.
+
+Let all reflect that it is impossible to be a _lady_, or a _gentleman_,
+without _gentle_ manners.
+
+
+
+
+A FEW POINTS ON DRESS
+
+Perfect congruity is the secret of successful dressing.
+
+The first harmony to be observed is that between the dress and the
+wearer's purse.  Good form considers not merely what can be _paid for_
+without "going in debt," but what can be purchased without cramping the
+resources in some other direction and destroying the proper balance of
+one's expenditures.  The girl who uses a month's salary to buy one fine
+gown, and denies herself in the matter of needed hosiery to make up for
+the extravagance, is "dressing beyond her means," and is violating good
+form in so doing.  A simple gown that allows for all _suitable
+accessories_ is always lady-like.
+
+The second point of harmony is the appropriateness of dress to the
+occasion when it is worn.
+
+Dinners, balls, and formal receptions are occasions that call for
+handsome dress.  This may range in cost to include some very
+inexpensive but artistic costumes, the quality of good style not being
+confined to the richest fabrics.  But the inexpensive gown should have
+a character of its own, and not be suspected of any attempt to imitate
+its priceless rivals.
+
+The degree of full-dress worn at dinner varies with the formality of
+the occasion and the fashions prevailing in the social circle
+represented.  On very grand occasions a very rich and stylish costume
+may be required.  In general, a lady wears her choicest silk or velvet
+gown at a dinner.  The intrinsic value of the fabric is more important
+in dinner dress than in dress worn on other occasions, since the
+company are few in number and thrown into close proximity, where
+leisurely observation and criticism are inevitable.  A gown that would
+pass muster in a crowd, may not stand the calm scrutiny of the
+dinner-table fourteen.  The style of cut and the trimmings of a dinner
+gown may be as severely plain or as voluminously dressy as the
+character of the occasion and the _personnel_ of the company may
+indicate and the wearer's instinctive sense of propriety may suggest.
+
+A ball or a formal reception in the evening is a time to display one's
+prettiest gowns and all the jewels which one possesses.  Fabrics of
+infinite variety, from velvet and brocade to diaphanous tissues, are
+suitable; and the possibilities in trimmings, in lace and flowers and
+jeweled ornaments, are unlimited.  In the fancy costumes suitable for
+these showy occasions there is wide opportunity for the ingenious girl
+to make herself bewitching without greatly depleting her purse.  The
+most becomingly dressed woman is not always the most expensively
+dressed.  General effect strikes the eye of the observer who has not
+time to study special quality in the kaleidoscopic scene presented by
+the ball-room or reception throng.
+
+At an afternoon tea, the hostess should dress richly enough for
+dignity, but without ostentation.  As on all occasions, a woman should
+never be over-dressed in her own house.  Her gown should not be so
+gorgeous that any one of her guests, even the poorest, need feel
+embarrassed by the contrast.
+
+If several ladies join the hostess in receiving, they wear handsome
+reception toilets.  Other guests come in ordinary walking dress, but it
+should be stylish and well-kept.  A "second-best" gown, though neat
+enough for informal calls, may not be elegant enough for a tea or for
+formal visiting.  But if a lady's means are limited, and her
+well-preserved old gown is the best that she can command, perfect
+neatness and a delicate disposal of _lingerie_ will disguise the
+ravages of time, and make the "auld cla'es look a'maist as weel's the
+new."
+
+Indeed, effective dressing, ultimately resolved, is a matter of refined
+ingenuity.  As David, subtly endued with power, with a smooth stone
+from the brook vanquished the armor-clad Philistine giant, so the woman
+with a genius for the artistic details of dress, even though it be a
+last-year's gown, may triumph over another who has blindly clad herself
+according to the latest conventional pattern, but without regard to
+what is becoming to herself.
+
+Happy the woman whose bank account permits her to give perfect
+expression to her taste.  Not so happy, but still happy, the woman
+whose taste meets the emergency, despite a slender purse.  But oh! most
+miserable the woman of stolid, unimaginative nature, whose luxurious
+wardrobe suggests nothing but the dollar-mark.
+
+Not that I advance the poetical idea of "sweet simplicity" always and
+everywhere.  Not that the rich gown is in itself objectionable, or the
+inexpensive dress intrinsically beautiful.  It is not invariably true
+that "beauty unadorned is most adorned."  It is not true that a "simple
+calico" is more charming than a sheeny silk, nor is cotton edging to be
+compared with point or duchess lace.
+
+But the really beautiful in dress, as before stated, lies in its
+perfect congruity.  According to this standard, the calico is sometimes
+more effective than the silk, and _vice versa_; and neither is
+effective if worn at inappropriate times, or under unsuitable
+conditions.
+
+Fashion is _daring_, and every now and then announces some startling
+innovation in the way of gay street-dress.  But the public sentiment of
+refined people is so definitely fixed in favor of quiet dress for
+public thoroughfares that these "daring" fashions soon become the sole
+property of the ignorant class.
+
+Dress for church, or for business, should be plain in design, and
+subdued in color; and for most occasions when a lady walks to pay
+visits or calls, a plain tailor-made costume is most suitable.
+Carriage dress may be gayer in colors, and more dressy in style of cut
+and trimmings.
+
+When a party of ladies attend the theatre, unaccompanied by a male
+escort, or with no conveyance but the street-car, ordinary walking
+costume, with quiet bonnets or hats, is correct style.  Box parties,
+presumably arriving in carriages, may dress as prettily as they choose,
+subject to the general laws of taste.
+
+A woman should not mix up her wardrobe, and wear a theatre bonnet to
+church, or carry a coaching parasol to a funeral.
+
+Black, or very subdued colors, should be worn to a funeral.
+
+Any color, _except black_, may be worn by a guest at a wedding.  Black
+lace may be used in the trimmings of rich-colored gowns (though white
+lace is preferable); but solid black is not allowable.  Women who are
+wearing mourning sometimes lay it aside to attend a wedding,
+substituting a lavender or violet gown, or, in some places, a deep red,
+usually in some rich fabric, as velvet or plush.
+
+The etiquette of wearing mourning is less rigorous than formerly.  The
+tendency is more and more to leave the matter to individual feeling.
+When the mourning garb is adopted, the periods of wearing are shorter,
+and the phases of change from heaviest to lightest are fewer and less
+punctilious.
+
+Whether a full mourning dress of _crepe_ be worn, or not, it is
+generally conceded that it is more respectful to wear plain black than
+to appear in colors during the months immediately following the death
+of a near relative.  The length of time that mourning dress should be
+worn is a matter of taste; but it should not be laid aside too soon, as
+though the wearing were an unpleasant duty; nor should it be worn too
+long, for the sombre robe has a depressing effect on others, especially
+invalids and children.
+
+Those who prefer to follow a strict law of etiquette in mourning will
+observe the following rules:
+
+A widow wears deep mourning of woolen stuffs and _crepe_ for two years.
+
+Similar mourning is worn one year for a parent, or a brother or sister.
+
+For other near relatives, from three to six months, according to
+degrees of relationship, is considered a respectful period for mourning.
+
+A man's wife wears the same degrees of mourning for his near relatives
+that she would wear for members of her own family.
+
+In all cases, the mourning should be "lightened" by degrees.  Plain
+black silk, without _crepe_, and trimmed with jet, belongs to a
+secondary period.  Changes are made gradually through black and white
+combinations, before colors are again worn.
+
+During the period of heavy mourning, it is not proper to attend the
+theatre or opera, or other gay place of amusement; nor to pay formal
+visits, or attend receptions, except it may be the marriage of a near
+friend, for which occasion the mourning dress is temporarily laid aside.
+
+As a matter of respect, no invitations of a gay social character are
+sent to the recently afflicted.  After three months, such invitations
+may be sent; of course, not with any expectation that they will be
+accepted, but merely to show that, though temporarily in seclusion, the
+bereaved ones are kindly remembered.
+
+For men the etiquette of mourning is less conspicuous but equally
+formal as far as it goes.  The periods of wearing mourning are usually
+shorter than those observed by women in similar cases, probably because
+the life of business men is not confined to the social world, and its
+restrictions are less binding upon them in details.
+
+At the funeral of a near relative, a man wears black, including gloves,
+and a mourning band around his hat.  Subsequently he may continue to
+wear black for several months, or, if this is not feasible, the
+hat-band of bombazine is accounted a sufficient mark of respect.  The
+width of the band may be graduated, sometimes covering the surface to
+within an inch of the top, sometimes being only two or three inches
+wide.
+
+As to the etiquette of men's dress in general, the tale is soon told.
+The "dress-suit" is worn only at dinner and in the evening.  At any
+hour after six o'clock, a man may with propriety appear anywhere in a
+dress suit, though it is _required_ only on formal occasions.  Before
+dinner, morning dress is worn--the frock coat, or a business suit with
+its four-buttoned cut-away.  As to the minute details of cut and
+dimensions, the prevailing style of linen and ties, etc.--very
+appropriately called "notions"--these things vary from season to
+season.  The well-dressed man will consult his tailor and furnisher.
+Hats, boots, and gloves, the extremes of every perfect costume, are
+important exponents of good style; and careful attention to their
+choice and wearing is essential to complete and effective dressing.
+
+
+
+
+PERSONAL HABITS
+
+Neatness in personal habits is the first mark of good breeding that
+strikes the observer.  Not that a dandy is always a gentleman; but an
+habitual sloven cannot be.  The clothing worn at work may be
+unavoidably soiled; as also the hands, when occupations involve the
+handling of dirty substances.  But "a little water clears us of this
+deed; how easy is't then!"
+
+The neatly-dressed hair, the fresh clean skin, the well-kept teeth, the
+smooth polished nails, the spotless linen and the tasteful tie, the
+well-brushed clothing and the tidy boots, are all points of good form
+in personal appearance.
+
+The toilet once made should be considered finished.  The hands should
+not stray to the hair to re-adjust hair-pins--an absent-minded habit.
+The nervous toying with ear-rings or brooches, or dress buttons, is
+another mannerism to be guarded against.  The hands should learn the
+grace of repose.  It is a great triumph of nervous control for a woman
+_to hold her hands still_ when they are not definitely employed.
+
+If the attitudes of sitting and standing are practiced under the
+direction of the teacher of "physical culture," one will probably be
+innocent of such solecisms as thrusting the feet out to display the
+shoes; sitting sideways, or cross-legged; or slipping half-way down in
+the chair; or bending over a book in round-shouldered position; rocking
+violently; beating a noisy tattoo with impatient toes; or standing on
+one foot with the body thrown out of line, etc., etc.
+
+Scratching the head or ears, and picking the teeth, are operations that
+are properly attended to in one's own dressing-room.  The conspicuous
+use of the handkerchief is in bad form.  Blowing the nose is not a
+pleasant demonstration at any time, and at the table is simply
+unpardonable.  A person of fastidious taste will take care of the nose
+in the quietest and most unobtrusive way, and refrain from disgusting
+other people of fastidious taste.
+
+"Familiarity breeds contempt."  Laying the hand upon another's head or
+shoulder, clinging to the arms or about the waist, is a freedom that
+only near relationship or close friendship will excuse.  Among slight
+acquaintances it is an unwarrantable liberty.  Even at the impulsive
+"school-girl age" young ladies should be taught to repel such
+under-bred familiarities.
+
+
+
+
+SOCIAL CO-OPERATION
+
+Those who accept a social invitation virtually pledge themselves to
+bear a part in making the entertainment an agreeable success.  Whether
+one's talent lies in conversation, or music, or in the rare gift for
+_commingling_ and promoting harmonies in a social gathering, he or she
+should feel bound to make some effort to add to the pleasure of the
+occasion.  Young men who attend private balls should be obliging about
+dancing, and amiably assist the hostess in finding partners for the shy
+or unattractive girls, who are liable to be neglected by selfish young
+people.
+
+_Not_ to make an effort to contribute to the success of the affair is a
+negative fault, perhaps.  But what shall we say of those whose
+influence is positively adverse?--those who attend a party with curious
+eyes bent upon picking flaws, and who indulge in jealous depreciation;
+or who, in a spirit of social rivalry, make a note of "points," with a
+view to outdoing the hostess in the near future.  Such a spirit--and
+its presence is not easily veiled--is a veritable Achan in the camp;
+and a few such rude people can poison the atmosphere of an otherwise
+genial reception.  Verily, they have their reward, for the stamp of
+ill-breeding is set on their querulous _little_ faces.
+
+But, if such spirits contribute nothing to the social fund,--because
+they have nothing to contribute,--you, who have, must do double duty.
+And nothing is more needed than tactful conversation.
+
+The oddest criticism that I have ever encountered from a reviewer was
+the laconic and cynical remark (commenting upon my rather altruistic
+belief in the duty of giving one's best thought to the conversational
+circle), that "Nowadays, people don't _talk_: if they have any good
+ideas, they save them and write them out and _sell them_."  The critic
+implied that, otherwise, in this age of universal scribbling, some
+plagiarist would appropriate these ideas and hurry them to the magazine
+market before the original thinker had time to fix the jewel in a
+setting of his own.
+
+Of course, the little brain thief is common enough; but it had never
+occurred to me to be so wary.  It struck me "with the full force of
+novelty," that any one should be deterred from speech by such a
+consideration.  I have since wondered whether that particular phase of
+serpent-wisdom accounts for the non-committal silences with which some
+well-known wits entertain the social circle, the while a despairing
+hostess is making the best of such help as a few lively chatterboxes
+can give her.  Not that I ever saw any notably superior talkers struck
+dumb in this way; Richard Brinsley Sheridan never was, if I recall
+correctly.  Why should _you_ be?  If your bright idea is stolen, you
+can spare it; if you are truly bright, you have many more where that
+one came from.
+
+But beware of forced brightness.  Wit is nothing if not spontaneous.
+If nature has not endowed you with the instantaneous perception of
+contrasts and incongruities, out of which flashes the swift conceit
+called wit, do not imagine you are "dull" or uninteresting.  There are
+other gifts and graces less superficial, far more rare, and ultimately
+more influential, than wit.
+
+And though you are witty, do not talk nonsense over-much.  Remember
+that it is the "_little_ nonsense now and then" that is "relished by
+the best of men."  It is perilously easy to weary people with the
+"smart" style of talk.  But let your cheerful sense, grave or gay, be
+as good an offering to your friends as you know how to make.  Your next
+special occasion--for which you might have "saved" all these
+things--will lose nothing of value.  It may rather gain fourfold, by
+the reflex inspiration that replenishes every unselfish outpouring of
+the nobler social spirit.
+
+
+
+
+ON THE WING
+
+Travelers have certain rights guaranteed by their regularly-purchased
+tickets.  Within such bounds they are privileged to claim all comforts
+and immunities.
+
+But the mannerly tourist will claim no more.  He will not take up more
+room than he is entitled to while other passengers are discommoded.
+Nor will he persist in keeping his particular window open when the
+draught and the cinders therefrom are troublesome or dangerous to other
+people.
+
+If travelers carry a lunch-basket, they should discuss its contents
+quietly, and be careful not to litter the floor with crumbs, or the
+_debris_ of fruits and nuts, nor to leave any trace of its presence
+after the luncheon is finished.
+
+If a lady is traveling under the escort of a gentleman, she will give
+him as little trouble as possible.  She will amuse herself by reading,
+or studying the landscape, leaving him at liberty to choose similar
+diversions when conversation grows tedious.  She will carry few
+parcels, and if possible will have arranged for some one to meet her at
+her station, so that her obliging guardian need not be taxed to look
+after her beyond the railway journey's end.  If the gentleman has
+attended to the purchase of tickets, and the paying of dining-car fees,
+etc., the lady will repay those expenditures, as a matter of course,
+thanking him for the trouble that he has taken to give her "safe
+conduct."
+
+A gentleman thus traveling as escort will attend to all matters of
+tickets, the checking of baggage, etc.; and will see that the lady is
+comfortably settled for her journey, with some thoughtful provision in
+the way of magazines, and possibly a basket of fine fruit.  He will see
+that the porter and the maid (if there is one) are attentive to her
+comfort, and will not relinquish his charge until he leaves her, either
+at her final destination, or in the care of some one authorized to
+relieve him of the responsibility.  He will perform all these duties
+cheerfully, and endeavor to convey the idea that it is a pleasure to
+him; and this will be better shown in his manner than by any
+conventional protestations.
+
+There ought not to be such a thing as "hotel manners."  But there is;
+and it suggests certain important injunctions.
+
+Hotel partitions are usually thin, and sounds are penetrating.  Private
+affairs should not be loudly discussed.  Tourists should learn to
+converse in quiet tones, and to make as little "racket" as possible
+with furniture, boots, etc., and to be polite enough not to keep other
+guests awake late at night with the noise of music, laughter, or loud
+talking.  The "manners" at table, in the reading-rooms, and about the
+corridors should conform to whatever law of etiquette in private or
+public life the incidents may indicate; since, at a hotel, one is both
+_at_ home and _not_ at home, in two different aspects.
+
+In driving with ladies, a gentleman gives them the seat facing the
+horses, riding backward himself if any one must.  He will alight from
+the carriage first, on the side nearest his seat, to avoid passing in
+front of the ladies; and will assist them to alight, giving as much or
+as little support as the case demands.  A light finger-tip on an elbow
+is all the help that a sprightly girl may need, but her grandmother may
+require to be tenderly lifted out bodily.  A gentleman will
+discriminate, and not use an uncalled-for familiarity in helping a lady
+out of a carriage.
+
+When several ladies are driving, the youngest ones in the party will
+ride backwards.  A hostess driving with her guests enters her carriage
+_after_ them, unless they are noticeably younger than she is; but she
+does not relinquish her usual seat to _any one_, unless she happens to
+have a party of venerable ladies.
+
+
+
+
+ETIQUETTE OF GIFTS
+
+Wedding presents should be chosen with due reference to the
+circumstances of the bride.  For the daughter of wealthy parents, who
+weds a husband of large means--and to whom all desirable _useful_
+things are assured--articles of _virtu_, and bewildering creations in
+the way of costly "fancy articles," are suitable wedding gifts.  For a
+quiet little bride who is going to housekeeping on a moderate income,
+articles that are useful as well as beautiful are appropriate and
+acceptable.  A handsome substantial chair, a cabinet for china, pretty
+china to put in it, some standard books, a set of fine table
+linen,--almost anything within the range of dainty house-furnishing
+shows the good taste of the giver.
+
+Presents that owe their creation to the ingenuity and labor of one's
+friends--as hand-painted screens or china, embroidered work, or, if one
+is artistic, a painting or etching--are peculiarly complimentary
+wedding gifts.
+
+In general, the exchange of gifts is desirable only between friends who
+care enough for each other not only to _give_, but to be willing to
+_accept_--the latter being a severer test of friendship.  Between two
+women, or between two men, these matters adjust themselves.
+
+A man should not offer valuable gifts to any lady outside of his own
+family, unless she is very much his senior, and a friend of long
+standing.  Similarly, a lady should not accept valuable gifts from a
+gentleman unless his relationship to her warrants it.  Trifling tokens
+of friendship or gallantry--a book, a bouquet, or a basket of
+bon-bons--are not amiss; but a lady should not be under obligation to a
+man for presents that plainly represent a considerable money value.
+
+When a gift is accepted, the recipient should not make too obvious
+haste to return the compliment, lest he or she seem unwilling to rest
+under obligation.  It is polite to allow a generous friend some space
+of time in which to enjoy the "blessedness of giving."
+
+"Independence" is an excellent thing; but it becomes peculiarly rude
+when it takes the form of refusing all trifling favors.  It is often
+the greatest wisdom as well as kindness, to allow some one to do us a
+favor.  Enemies have been transformed into friends by this tactful
+process; for, as one always hates one whom he has injured, so, on the
+reverse, he cannot help feeling an increased glow of kindliness toward
+one whom he has benefited.
+
+When some unsophisticated person innocently offers a gift that strict
+conventionality would forbid one to accept, it is sometimes better to
+suspend the rules and accept the token, than by refusal to hurt the
+feelings of one who has perhaps offended the letter, but not the
+spirit, of the law.
+
+Gifts of flowers to the convalescent--tokens that the busy outside
+world has not forgotten him--are among the most graceful expressions of
+courteous interest.  Any one--even a total stranger--may send these, if
+"the spirit moves," and the circumstances are such that the act could
+bear no possible misinterpretation.
+
+
+
+
+GALLANTRY AND COQUETRY
+
+That a man enjoys the society of a charming woman, that a woman
+delights in the conversation of a brilliant man, is no sign that either
+of them is a flirt.
+
+Few things are more vulgar than the readiness to infer a flirtation
+from every case of marked mutual interest between a man and a woman.
+The interchange of bright ideas, interspersed with the spontaneous
+sallies of gallantry and the instinctive _repartee_ of innocent
+coquetry--an archery of wit and humor, grave and gay,--this is one of
+the salient features of civilized social life.  It has nothing in
+common with the shallow travesty of sentiment that characterizes a
+pointless flirtation.  The latter is _bad form_ whenever and wherever
+existing.  A sincere sentiment is not reduced to the straits of
+expressing itself in such uncertain language.  It is fair to conclude
+that some insincerity, or some lack of a correct basis for sentiment,
+is betrayed in every pointless flirtation.  It is hopelessly bad form.
+Young people who gratify vanity by idle "conquests," so called, make a
+sufficiently conspicuous show of ill-breeding; but a _married flirt_ is
+worse than vulgar.
+
+A woman may accept every tribute that a chivalrous man may offer to her
+talent or wit, so long as it is expressed in a hearty spirit of good
+comradeship, and with a clear and unmistakable deference to her
+self-respecting dignity; but a well-bred woman will resent as an insult
+to her womanhood any quasi-sentimental overtures _from a man who has
+not the right to make them_.
+
+Etiquette requires that the association of men and women in refined
+circles shall be frank without freedom, friendly without familiarity.
+"Flirting" is a plebeian diversion.  Every well-bred woman is a queen,
+for whose sake every well-bred man will hold a lance in rets.
+
+
+
+
+IN CONCLUSION
+
+Since censoriousness is a quality utterly antagonistic to good manners,
+it is well to reflect that, while etiquette lays down many laws, it
+also indulgently grants generous absolution.  While we decide that
+certain forms and methods of action are _correct_ and _good form_, we
+must remember that all people, ourselves included, are liable to be
+occasionally remiss in little things, and that we must not too hastily
+decide a man's status on the score of breeding by his punctilious
+observance of conventional laws.  There are some requirements of
+etiquette that have their foundation in the idea of convenience or
+feasibility; others that are essentially requisite as the exponent of
+decency.  A man may easily be far from perfect in details of the former
+class, and yet be a refined gentleman; but he cannot offend in the
+latter class of instances without being a boor.  Something worse than
+eating with his knife must ostracize a man, and something no greater
+than spitting on the sidewalk should accomplish the feat at one fell
+stroke.
+
+There is an infallible constancy in good breeding.  Like charity, of
+which it is so largely an exponent, it "never faileth."  One's manner
+to two different people, respectively, may not be _the same_, but it
+should be _equally courteous_, whether it expresses the cordial
+friendliness of social equals or the just esteem of one either higher
+or lower than one's self in the social scale.  "No man is a hero to his
+_valet_," because the heroic is confined to great and rare occasions.
+But every gentleman is a _gentleman_ to his _valet_, for the qualities
+that distinguish the gentleman are every day and every hour manifested.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Etiquette, by Agnes H. Morton
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