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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/2040-0.txt b/2040-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b678180 --- /dev/null +++ b/2040-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3853 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of Confessions of an English Opium-Eater, by Thomas De Quincey + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you +will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before +using this eBook. + +Title: Confessions of an English Opium-Eater + +Author: Thomas De Quincey + +Release Date: January, 2000 [eBook #2040] +[Most recently updated: November 12, 2022] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +Produced by: David Price + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER *** + + + + +CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER: + +BEING AN EXTRACT FROM THE +LIFE OF A SCHOLAR. + +by Thomas De Quincey + + +_From the “London Magazine” for September_ 1821. + + + + +TO THE READER + + +I here present you, courteous reader, with the record of a remarkable +period in my life: according to my application of it, I trust that it +will prove not merely an interesting record, but in a considerable +degree useful and instructive. In _that_ hope it is that I have drawn +it up; and _that_ must be my apology for breaking through that delicate +and honourable reserve which, for the most part, restrains us from the +public exposure of our own errors and infirmities. Nothing, indeed, is +more revolting to English feelings than the spectacle of a human being +obtruding on our notice his moral ulcers or scars, and tearing away +that “decent drapery” which time or indulgence to human frailty may +have drawn over them; accordingly, the greater part of _our_ +confessions (that is, spontaneous and extra-judicial confessions) +proceed from demireps, adventurers, or swindlers: and for any such acts +of gratuitous self-humiliation from those who can be supposed in +sympathy with the decent and self-respecting part of society, we must +look to French literature, or to that part of the German which is +tainted with the spurious and defective sensibility of the French. All +this I feel so forcibly, and so nervously am I alive to reproach of +this tendency, that I have for many months hesitated about the +propriety of allowing this or any part of my narrative to come before +the public eye until after my death (when, for many reasons, the whole +will be published); and it is not without an anxious review of the +reasons for and against this step that I have at last concluded on +taking it. + +Guilt and misery shrink, by a natural instinct, from public notice: +they court privacy and solitude: and even in their choice of a grave +will sometimes sequester themselves from the general population of the +churchyard, as if declining to claim fellowship with the great family +of man, and wishing (in the affecting language of Mr. Wordsworth) + +“—Humbly to express +A penitential loneliness.” + + +It is well, upon the whole, and for the interest of us all, that it +should be so: nor would I willingly in my own person manifest a +disregard of such salutary feelings, nor in act or word do anything to +weaken them; but, on the one hand, as my self-accusation does not +amount to a confession of guilt, so, on the other, it is possible that, +if it _did_, the benefit resulting to others from the record of an +experience purchased at so heavy a price might compensate, by a vast +overbalance, for any violence done to the feelings I have noticed, and +justify a breach of the general rule. Infirmity and misery do not of +necessity imply guilt. They approach or recede from shades of that dark +alliance, in proportion to the probable motives and prospects of the +offender, and the palliations, known or secret, of the offence; in +proportion as the temptations to it were potent from the first, and the +resistance to it, in act or in effort, was earnest to the last. For my +own part, without breach of truth or modesty, I may affirm that my life +has been, on the whole, the life of a philosopher: from my birth I was +made an intellectual creature, and intellectual in the highest sense my +pursuits and pleasures have been, even from my schoolboy days. If +opium-eating be a sensual pleasure, and if I am bound to confess that I +have indulged in it to an excess not yet _recorded_ {1} of any other +man, it is no less true that I have struggled against this fascinating +enthralment with a religious zeal, and have at length accomplished what +I never yet heard attributed to any other man—have untwisted, almost to +its final links, the accursed chain which fettered me. Such a +self-conquest may reasonably be set off in counterbalance to any kind +or degree of self-indulgence. Not to insist that in my case the +self-conquest was unquestionable, the self-indulgence open to doubts of +casuistry, according as that name shall be extended to acts aiming at +the bare relief of pain, or shall be restricted to such as aim at the +excitement of positive pleasure. + +Guilt, therefore, I do not acknowledge; and if I did, it is possible +that I might still resolve on the present act of confession in +consideration of the service which I may thereby render to the whole +class of opium-eaters. But who are they? Reader, I am sorry to say a +very numerous class indeed. Of this I became convinced some years ago +by computing at that time the number of those in one small class of +English society (the class of men distinguished for talents, or of +eminent station) who were known to me, directly or indirectly, as +opium-eaters; such, for instance, as the eloquent and benevolent ——, +the late Dean of ——, Lord ——, Mr. —— the philosopher, a late +Under-Secretary of State (who described to me the sensation which first +drove him to the use of opium in the very same words as the Dean of ——, +viz., “that he felt as though rats were gnawing and abrading the coats +of his stomach”), Mr. ——, and many others hardly less known, whom it +would be tedious to mention. Now, if one class, comparatively so +limited, could furnish so many scores of cases (and _that_ within the +knowledge of one single inquirer), it was a natural inference that the +entire population of England would furnish a proportionable number. The +soundness of this inference, however, I doubted, until some facts +became known to me which satisfied me that it was not incorrect. I will +mention two. (1) Three respectable London druggists, in widely remote +quarters of London, from whom I happened lately to be purchasing small +quantities of opium, assured me that the number of _amateur_ +opium-eaters (as I may term them) was at this time immense; and that +the difficulty of distinguishing those persons to whom habit had +rendered opium necessary from such as were purchasing it with a view to +suicide, occasioned them daily trouble and disputes. This evidence +respected London only. But (2)—which will possibly surprise the reader +more—some years ago, on passing through Manchester, I was informed by +several cotton manufacturers that their workpeople were rapidly getting +into the practice of opium-eating; so much so, that on a Saturday +afternoon the counters of the druggists were strewed with pills of one, +two, or three grains, in preparation for the known demand of the +evening. The immediate occasion of this practice was the lowness of +wages, which at that time would not allow them to indulge in ale or +spirits, and wages rising, it may be thought that this practice would +cease; but as I do not readily believe that any man having once tasted +the divine luxuries of opium will afterwards descend to the gross and +mortal enjoyments of alcohol, I take it for granted + +That those eat now who never ate before; +And those who always ate, now eat the more. + + +Indeed, the fascinating powers of opium are admitted even by medical +writers, who are its greatest enemies. Thus, for instance, Awsiter, +apothecary to Greenwich Hospital, in his “Essay on the Effects of +Opium” (published in the year 1763), when attempting to explain why +Mead had not been sufficiently explicit on the properties, +counteragents, &c., of this drug, expresses himself in the following +mysterious terms (φωναντα συνετοισι): “Perhaps he thought the subject +of too delicate a nature to be made common; and as many people might +then indiscriminately use it, it would take from that necessary fear +and caution which should prevent their experiencing the extensive power +of this drug, _for there are many properties in it, if universally +known, that would habituate the use, and make it more in request with +us than with Turks themselves_; the result of which knowledge,” he +adds, “must prove a general misfortune.” In the necessity of this +conclusion I do not altogether concur; but upon that point I shall have +occasion to speak at the close of my Confessions, where I shall present +the reader with the _moral_ of my narrative. + + + + +PRELIMINARY CONFESSIONS + + +These preliminary confessions, or introductory narrative of the +youthful adventures which laid the foundation of the writer’s habit of +opium-eating in after-life, it has been judged proper to premise, for +three several reasons: + +1. As forestalling that question, and giving it a satisfactory answer, +which else would painfully obtrude itself in the course of the Opium +Confessions—“How came any reasonable being to subject himself to such a +yoke of misery; voluntarily to incur a captivity so servile, and +knowingly to fetter himself with such a sevenfold chain?”—a question +which, if not somewhere plausibly resolved, could hardly fail, by the +indignation which it would be apt to raise as against an act of wanton +folly, to interfere with that degree of sympathy which is necessary in +any case to an author’s purposes. + +2. As furnishing a key to some parts of that tremendous scenery which +afterwards peopled the dreams of the Opium-eater. + +3. As creating some previous interest of a personal sort in the +confessing subject, apart from the matter of the confessions, which +cannot fail to render the confessions themselves more interesting. If a +man “whose talk is of oxen” should become an opium-eater, the +probability is that (if he is not too dull to dream at all) he will +dream about oxen; whereas, in the case before him, the reader will find +that the Opium-eater boasteth himself to be a philosopher; and +accordingly, that the phantasmagoria of _his_ dreams (waking or +sleeping, day-dreams or night-dreams) is suitable to one who in that +character + +Humani nihil a se alienum putat. + + +For amongst the conditions which he deems indispensable to the +sustaining of any claim to the title of philosopher is not merely the +possession of a superb intellect in its _analytic_ functions (in which +part of the pretensions, however, England can for some generations show +but few claimants; at least, he is not aware of any known candidate for +this honour who can be styled emphatically _a subtle thinker_, with the +exception of _Samuel Taylor Coleridge_, and in a narrower department of +thought with the recent illustrious exception {2} of _David Ricardo_) +but also on such a constitution of the _moral_ faculties as shall give +him an inner eye and power of intuition for the vision and the +mysteries of our human nature: _that_ constitution of faculties, in +short, which (amongst all the generations of men that from the +beginning of time have deployed into life, as it were, upon this +planet) our English poets have possessed in the highest degree, and +Scottish professors {3} in the lowest. + +I have often been asked how I first came to be a regular opium-eater, +and have suffered, very unjustly, in the opinion of my acquaintance +from being reputed to have brought upon myself all the sufferings which +I shall have to record, by a long course of indulgence in this practice +purely for the sake of creating an artificial state of pleasurable +excitement. This, however, is a misrepresentation of my case. True it +is that for nearly ten years I did occasionally take opium for the sake +of the exquisite pleasure it gave me; but so long as I took it with +this view I was effectually protected from all material bad +consequences by the necessity of interposing long intervals between the +several acts of indulgence, in order to renew the pleasurable +sensations. It was not for the purpose of creating pleasure, but of +mitigating pain in the severest degree, that I first began to use opium +as an article of daily diet. In the twenty-eighth year of my age a most +painful affection of the stomach, which I had first experienced about +ten years before, attacked me in great strength. This affection had +originally been caused by extremities of hunger, suffered in my boyish +days. During the season of hope and redundant happiness which succeeded +(that is, from eighteen to twenty-four) it had slumbered; for the three +following years it had revived at intervals; and now, under +unfavourable circumstances, from depression of spirits, it attacked me +with a violence that yielded to no remedies but opium. As the youthful +sufferings which first produced this derangement of the stomach were +interesting in themselves, and in the circumstances that attended them, +I shall here briefly retrace them. + +My father died when I was about seven years old, and left me to the +care of four guardians. I was sent to various schools, great and small; +and was very early distinguished for my classical attainments, +especially for my knowledge of Greek. At thirteen I wrote Greek with +ease; and at fifteen my command of that language was so great that I +not only composed Greek verses in lyric metres, but could converse in +Greek fluently and without embarrassment—an accomplishment which I have +not since met with in any scholar of my times, and which in my case was +owing to the practice of daily reading off the newspapers into the best +Greek I could furnish _extempore_; for the necessity of ransacking my +memory and invention for all sorts and combinations of periphrastic +expressions as equivalents for modern ideas, images, relations of +things, &c., gave me a compass of diction which would never have been +called out by a dull translation of moral essays, &c. “That boy,” said +one of my masters, pointing the attention of a stranger to me, “that +boy could harangue an Athenian mob better than you and I could address +an English one.” He who honoured me with this eulogy was a scholar, +“and a ripe and a good one,” and of all my tutors was the only one whom +I loved or reverenced. Unfortunately for me (and, as I afterwards +learned, to this worthy man’s great indignation), I was transferred to +the care, first of a blockhead, who was in a perpetual panic lest I +should expose his ignorance; and finally to that of a respectable +scholar at the head of a great school on an ancient foundation. This +man had been appointed to his situation by —— College, Oxford, and was +a sound, well-built scholar, but (like most men whom I have known from +that college) coarse, clumsy, and inelegant. A miserable contrast he +presented, in my eyes, to the Etonian brilliancy of my favourite +master; and beside, he could not disguise from my hourly notice the +poverty and meagreness of his understanding. It is a bad thing for a +boy to be and to know himself far beyond his tutors, whether in +knowledge or in power of mind. This was the case, so far as regarded +knowledge at least, not with myself only, for the two boys, who jointly +with myself composed the first form, were better Grecians than the +head-master, though not more elegant scholars, nor at all more +accustomed to sacrifice to the Graces. When I first entered I remember +that we read Sophocles; and it was a constant matter of triumph to us, +the learned triumvirate of the first form, to see our “Archididascalus” +(as he loved to be called) conning our lessons before we went up, and +laying a regular train, with lexicon and grammar, for blowing up and +blasting (as it were) any difficulties he found in the choruses; whilst +_we_ never condescended to open our books until the moment of going up, +and were generally employed in writing epigrams upon his wig or some +such important matter. My two class-fellows were poor, and dependent +for their future prospects at the university on the recommendation of +the head-master; but I, who had a small patrimonial property, the +income of which was sufficient to support me at college, wished to be +sent thither immediately. I made earnest representations on the subject +to my guardians, but all to no purpose. One, who was more reasonable +and had more knowledge of the world than the rest, lived at a distance; +two of the other three resigned all their authority into the hands of +the fourth; and this fourth, with whom I had to negotiate, was a worthy +man in his way, but haughty, obstinate, and intolerant of all +opposition to his will. After a certain number of letters and personal +interviews, I found that I had nothing to hope for, not even a +compromise of the matter, from my guardian. Unconditional submission +was what he demanded, and I prepared myself, therefore, for other +measures. Summer was now coming on with hasty steps, and my seventeenth +birthday was fast approaching, after which day I had sworn within +myself that I would no longer be numbered amongst schoolboys. Money +being what I chiefly wanted, I wrote to a woman of high rank, who, +though young herself, had known me from a child, and had latterly +treated me with great distinction, requesting that she would “lend” me +five guineas. For upwards of a week no answer came, and I was beginning +to despond, when at length a servant put into my hands a double letter +with a coronet on the seal. The letter was kind and obliging. The fair +writer was on the sea-coast, and in that way the delay had arisen; she +enclosed double of what I had asked, and good-naturedly hinted that if +I should _never_ repay her, it would not absolutely ruin her. Now, +then, I was prepared for my scheme. Ten guineas, added to about two +which I had remaining from my pocket-money, seemed to me sufficient for +an indefinite length of time; and at that happy age, if no _definite_ +boundary can be assigned to one’s power, the spirit of hope and +pleasure makes it virtually infinite. + +It is a just remark of Dr. Johnson’s (and, what cannot often be said of +his remarks, it is a very feeling one), that we never do anything +consciously for the last time (of things, that is, which we have long +been in the habit of doing) without sadness of heart. This truth I felt +deeply when I came to leave ——, a place which I did not love, and where +I had not been happy. On the evening before I left —— for ever, I +grieved when the ancient and lofty schoolroom resounded with the +evening service, performed for the last time in my hearing; and at +night, when the muster-roll of names was called over, and mine (as +usual) was called first, I stepped forward, and passing the +head-master, who was standing by, I bowed to him, and looked earnestly +in his face, thinking to myself, “He is old and infirm, and in this +world I shall not see him again.” I was right; I never _did_ see him +again, nor ever shall. He looked at me complacently, smiled +good-naturedly, returned my salutation (or rather my valediction), and +we parted (though he knew it not) for ever. I could not reverence him +intellectually, but he had been uniformly kind to me, and had allowed +me many indulgences; and I grieved at the thought of the mortification +I should inflict upon him. + +The morning came which was to launch me into the world, and from which +my whole succeeding life has in many important points taken its +colouring. I lodged in the head-master’s house, and had been allowed +from my first entrance the indulgence of a private room, which I used +both as a sleeping-room and as a study. At half after three I rose, and +gazed with deep emotion at the ancient towers of ——, “drest in earliest +light,” and beginning to crimson with the radiant lustre of a cloudless +July morning. I was firm and immovable in my purpose; but yet agitated +by anticipation of uncertain danger and troubles; and if I could have +foreseen the hurricane and perfect hail-storm of affliction which soon +fell upon me, well might I have been agitated. To this agitation the +deep peace of the morning presented an affecting contrast, and in some +degree a medicine. The silence was more profound than that of midnight; +and to me the silence of a summer morning is more touching than all +other silence, because, the light being broad and strong as that of +noonday at other seasons of the year, it seems to differ from perfect +day chiefly because man is not yet abroad; and thus the peace of nature +and of the innocent creatures of God seems to be secure and deep only +so long as the presence of man and his restless and unquiet spirit are +not there to trouble its sanctity. I dressed myself, took my hat and +gloves, and lingered a little in the room. For the last year and a half +this room had been my “pensive citadel”: here I had read and studied +through all the hours of night, and though true it was that for the +latter part of this time I, who was framed for love and gentle +affections, had lost my gaiety and happiness during the strife and +fever of contention with my guardian, yet, on the other hand, as a boy +so passionately fond of books, and dedicated to intellectual pursuits, +I could not fail to have enjoyed many happy hours in the midst of +general dejection. I wept as I looked round on the chair, hearth, +writing-table, and other familiar objects, knowing too certainly that I +looked upon them for the last time. Whilst I write this it is eighteen +years ago, and yet at this moment I see distinctly, as if it were +yesterday, the lineaments and expression of the object on which I fixed +my parting gaze. It was a picture of the lovely ——, which hung over the +mantelpiece, the eyes and mouth of which were so beautiful, and the +whole countenance so radiant with benignity and divine tranquillity, +that I had a thousand times laid down my pen or my book to gather +consolation from it, as a devotee from his patron saint. Whilst I was +yet gazing upon it the deep tones of —— clock proclaimed that it was +four o’clock. I went up to the picture, kissed it, and then gently +walked out and closed the door for ever! + + +So blended and intertwisted in this life are occasions of laughter and +of tears, that I cannot yet recall without smiling an incident which +occurred at that time, and which had nearly put a stop to the immediate +execution of my plan. I had a trunk of immense weight, for, besides my +clothes, it contained nearly all my library. The difficulty was to get +this removed to a carrier’s: my room was at an aërial elevation in the +house, and (what was worse) the staircase which communicated with this +angle of the building was accessible only by a gallery, which passed +the head-master’s chamber door. I was a favourite with all the +servants, and knowing that any of them would screen me and act +confidentially, I communicated my embarrassment to a groom of the +head-master’s. The groom swore he would do anything I wished, and when +the time arrived went upstairs to bring the trunk down. This I feared +was beyond the strength of any one man; however, the groom was a man + +Of Atlantean shoulders, fit to bear +The weight of mightiest monarchies; + + +and had a back as spacious as Salisbury Plain. Accordingly he persisted +in bringing down the trunk alone, whilst I stood waiting at the foot of +the last flight in anxiety for the event. For some time I heard him +descending with slow and firm steps; but unfortunately, from his +trepidation, as he drew near the dangerous quarter, within a few steps +of the gallery, his foot slipped, and the mighty burden falling from +his shoulders, gained such increase of impetus at each step of the +descent, that on reaching the bottom it trundled, or rather leaped, +right across, with the noise of twenty devils, against the very bedroom +door of the Archididascalus. My first thought was that all was lost, +and that my only chance for executing a retreat was to sacrifice my +baggage. However, on reflection I determined to abide the issue. The +groom was in the utmost alarm, both on his own account and on mine, +but, in spite of this, so irresistibly had the sense of the ludicrous +in this unhappy _contretemps_ taken possession of his fancy, that he +sang out a long, loud, and canorous peal of laughter, that might have +wakened the Seven Sleepers. At the sound of this resonant merriment, +within the very ears of insulted authority, I could not myself forbear +joining in it; subdued to this, not so much by the unhappy _étourderie_ +of the trunk, as by the effect it had upon the groom. We both expected, +as a matter of course, that Dr. —— would sally, out of his room, for in +general, if but a mouse stirred, he sprang out like a mastiff from his +kennel. Strange to say, however, on this occasion, when the noise of +laughter had ceased, no sound, or rustling even, was to be heard in the +bedroom. Dr. —— had a painful complaint, which, sometimes keeping him +awake, made his sleep perhaps, when it did come, the deeper. Gathering +courage from the silence, the groom hoisted his burden again, and +accomplished the remainder of his descent without accident. I waited +until I saw the trunk placed on a wheelbarrow and on its road to the +carrier’s; then, “with Providence my guide,” I set off on foot, +carrying a small parcel with some articles of dress under my arm; a +favourite English poet in one pocket, and a small 12mo volume, +containing about nine plays of Euripides, in the other. + +It had been my intention originally to proceed to Westmoreland, both +from the love I bore to that country and on other personal accounts. +Accident, however, gave a different direction to my wanderings, and I +bent my steps towards North Wales. + +After wandering about for some time in Denbighshire, Merionethshire, +and Carnarvonshire, I took lodgings in a small neat house in B——. Here +I might have stayed with great comfort for many weeks, for provisions +were cheap at B——, from the scarcity of other markets for the surplus +produce of a wide agricultural district. An accident, however, in which +perhaps no offence was designed, drove me out to wander again. I know +not whether my reader may have remarked, but I have often remarked, +that the proudest class of people in England (or at any rate the class +whose pride is most apparent) are the families of bishops. Noblemen and +their children carry about with them, in their very titles, a +sufficient notification of their rank. Nay, their very names (and this +applies also to the children of many untitled houses) are often, to the +English ear, adequate exponents of high birth or descent. Sackville, +Manners, Fitzroy, Paulet, Cavendish, and scores of others, tell their +own tale. Such persons, therefore, find everywhere a due sense of their +claims already established, except among those who are ignorant of the +world by virtue of their own obscurity: “Not to know _them_, argues +one’s self unknown.” Their manners take a suitable tone and colouring, +and for once they find it necessary to impress a sense of their +consequence upon others, they meet with a thousand occasions for +moderating and tempering this sense by acts of courteous condescension. +With the families of bishops it is otherwise: with them, it is all +uphill work to make known their pretensions; for the proportion of the +episcopal bench taken from noble families is not at any time very +large, and the succession to these dignities is so rapid that the +public ear seldom has time to become familiar with them, unless where +they are connected with some literary reputation. Hence it is that the +children of bishops carry about with them an austere and repulsive air, +indicative of claims not generally acknowledged, a sort of _noli me +tangere_ manner, nervously apprehensive of too familiar approach, and +shrinking with the sensitiveness of a gouty man from all contact with +the οι πολλοι. Doubtless, a powerful understanding, or unusual goodness +of nature, will preserve a man from such weakness, but in general the +truth of my representation will be acknowledged; pride, if not of +deeper root in such families, appears at least more upon the surface of +their manners. This spirit of manners naturally communicates itself to +their domestics and other dependants. Now, my landlady had been a +lady’s maid or a nurse in the family of the Bishop of ——, and had but +lately married away and “settled” (as such people express it) for life. +In a little town like B——, merely to have lived in the bishop’s family +conferred some distinction; and my good landlady had rather more than +her share of the pride I have noticed on that score. What “my lord” +said and what “my lord” did, how useful he was in Parliament and how +indispensable at Oxford, formed the daily burden of her talk. All this +I bore very well, for I was too good-natured to laugh in anybody’s +face, and I could make an ample allowance for the garrulity of an old +servant. Of necessity, however, I must have appeared in her eyes very +inadequately impressed with the bishop’s importance, and, perhaps to +punish me for my indifference, or possibly by accident, she one day +repeated to me a conversation in which I was indirectly a party +concerned. She had been to the palace to pay her respects to the +family, and, dinner being over, was summoned into the dining-room. In +giving an account of her household economy she happened to mention that +she had let her apartments. Thereupon the good bishop (it seemed) had +taken occasion to caution her as to her selection of inmates, “for,” +said he, “you must recollect, Betty, that this place is in the high +road to the Head; so that multitudes of Irish swindlers running away +from their debts into England, and of English swindlers running away +from their debts to the Isle of Man, are likely to take this place in +their route.” This advice certainly was not without reasonable grounds, +but rather fitted to be stored up for Mrs. Betty’s private meditations +than specially reported to me. What followed, however, was somewhat +worse. “Oh, my lord,” answered my landlady (according to her own +representation of the matter), “I really don’t think this young +gentleman is a swindler, because ——” “You don’t _think_ me a swindler?” +said I, interrupting her, in a tumult of indignation: “for the future I +shall spare you the trouble of thinking about it.” And without delay I +prepared for my departure. Some concessions the good woman seemed +disposed to make; but a harsh and contemptuous expression, which I fear +that I applied to the learned dignitary himself, roused her indignation +in turn, and reconciliation then became impossible. I was indeed +greatly irritated at the bishop’s having suggested any grounds of +suspicion, however remotely, against a person whom he had never seen; +and I thought of letting him know my mind in Greek, which, at the same +time that it would furnish some presumption that I was no swindler, +would also (I hoped) compel the bishop to reply in the same language; +in which case I doubted not to make it appear that if I was not so rich +as his lordship, I was a far better Grecian. Calmer thoughts, however, +drove this boyish design out of my mind; for I considered that the +bishop was in the right to counsel an old servant; that he could not +have designed that his advice should be reported to me; and that the +same coarseness of mind which had led Mrs. Betty to repeat the advice +at all, might have coloured it in a way more agreeable to her own style +of thinking than to the actual expressions of the worthy bishop. + +I left the lodgings the very same hour, and this turned out a very +unfortunate occurrence for me, because, living henceforward at inns, I +was drained of my money very rapidly. In a fortnight I was reduced to +short allowance; that is, I could allow myself only one meal a day. +From the keen appetite produced by constant exercise and mountain air, +acting on a youthful stomach, I soon began to suffer greatly on this +slender regimen, for the single meal which I could venture to order was +coffee or tea. Even this, however, was at length withdrawn; and +afterwards, so long as I remained in Wales, I subsisted either on +blackberries, hips, haws, &c., or on the casual hospitalities which I +now and then received in return for such little services as I had an +opportunity of rendering. Sometimes I wrote letters of business for +cottagers who happened to have relatives in Liverpool or in London; +more often I wrote love-letters to their sweethearts for young women +who had lived as servants at Shrewsbury or other towns on the English +border. On all such occasions I gave great satisfaction to my humble +friends, and was generally treated with hospitality; and once in +particular, near the village of Llan-y-styndw (or some such name), in a +sequestered part of Merionethshire, I was entertained for upwards of +three days by a family of young people with an affectionate and +fraternal kindness that left an impression upon my heart not yet +impaired. The family consisted at that time of four sisters and three +brothers, all grown up, and all remarkable for elegance and delicacy of +manners. So much beauty, and so much native good breeding and +refinement, I do not remember to have seen before or since in any +cottage, except once or twice in Westmoreland and Devonshire. They +spoke English, an accomplishment not often met with in so many members +of one family, especially in villages remote from the high road. Here I +wrote, on my first introduction, a letter about prize-money, for one of +the brothers, who had served on board an English man-of-war; and, more +privately, two love-letters for two of the sisters. They were both +interesting-looking girls, and one of uncommon loveliness. In the midst +of their confusion and blushes, whilst dictating, or rather giving me +general instructions, it did not require any great penetration to +discover that what they wished was that their letters should be as kind +as was consistent with proper maidenly pride. I contrived so to temper +my expressions as to reconcile the gratification of both feelings; and +they were as much pleased with the way in which I had expressed their +thoughts as (in their simplicity) they were astonished at my having so +readily discovered them. The reception one meets with from the women of +a family generally determines the tenor of one’s whole entertainment. +In this case I had discharged my confidential duties as secretary so +much to the general satisfaction, perhaps also amusing them with my +conversation, that I was pressed to stay with a cordiality which I had +little inclination to resist. I slept with the brothers, the only +unoccupied bed standing in the apartment of the young women; but in all +other points they treated me with a respect not usually paid to purses +as light as mine—as if my scholarship were sufficient evidence that I +was of “gentle blood.” Thus I lived with them for three days and great +part of a fourth; and, from the undiminished kindness which they +continued to show me, I believe I might have stayed with them up to +this time, if their power had corresponded with their wishes. On the +last morning, however, I perceived upon their countenances, as they +sate at breakfast, the expression of some unpleasant communication +which was at hand; and soon after, one of the brothers explained to me +that their parents had gone, the day before my arrival, to an annual +meeting of Methodists, held at Carnarvon, and were that day expected to +return; “and if they should not be so civil as they ought to be,” he +begged, on the part of all the young people, that I would not take it +amiss. The parents returned with churlish faces, and “_Dym Sassenach_” +(_no English_) in answer to all my addresses. I saw how matters stood; +and so, taking an affectionate leave of my kind and interesting young +hosts, I went my way; for, though they spoke warmly to their parents in +my behalf, and often excused the manner of the old people by saying it +was “only their way,” yet I easily understood that my talent for +writing love-letters would do as little to recommend me with two grave +sexagenarian Welsh Methodists as my Greek sapphics or alcaics; and what +had been hospitality when offered to me with the gracious courtesy of +my young friends, would become charity when connected with the harsh +demeanour of these old people. Certainly, Mr. Shelley is right in his +notions about old age: unless powerfully counteracted by all sorts of +opposite agencies, it is a miserable corrupter and blighter to the +genial charities of the human heart. + +Soon after this I contrived, by means which I must omit for want of +room, to transfer myself to London. And now began the latter and +fiercer stage of my long sufferings; without using a disproportionate +expression I might say, of my agony. For I now suffered, for upwards of +sixteen weeks, the physical anguish of hunger in various degrees of +intensity; but as bitter, perhaps, as ever any human being can have +suffered who has survived it. I would not needlessly harass my reader’s +feelings by a detail of all that I endured; for extremities such as +these, under any circumstances of heaviest misconduct or guilt, cannot +be contemplated, even in description, without a rueful pity that is +painful to the natural goodness of the human heart. Let it suffice, at +least on this occasion, to say that a few fragments of bread from the +breakfast-table of one individual (who supposed me to be ill, but did +not know of my being in utter want), and these at uncertain intervals, +constituted my whole support. During the former part of my sufferings +(that is, generally in Wales, and always for the first two months in +London) I was houseless, and very seldom slept under a roof. To this +constant exposure to the open air I ascribe it mainly that I did not +sink under my torments. Latterly, however, when colder and more +inclement weather came on, and when, from the length of my sufferings, +I had begun to sink into a more languishing condition, it was no doubt +fortunate for me that the same person to whose breakfast-table I had +access, allowed me to sleep in a large unoccupied house of which he was +tenant. Unoccupied I call it, for there was no household or +establishment in it; nor any furniture, indeed, except a table and a +few chairs. But I found, on taking possession of my new quarters, that +the house already contained one single inmate, a poor friendless child, +apparently ten years old; but she seemed hunger-bitten, and sufferings +of that sort often make children look older than they are. From this +forlorn child I learned that she had slept and lived there alone for +some time before I came; and great joy the poor creature expressed when +she found that I was in future to be her companion through the hours of +darkness. The house was large, and, from the want of furniture, the +noise of the rats made a prodigious echoing on the spacious staircase +and hall; and amidst the real fleshly ills of cold and, I fear, hunger, +the forsaken child had found leisure to suffer still more (it appeared) +from the self-created one of ghosts. I promised her protection against +all ghosts whatsoever, but alas! I could offer her no other assistance. +We lay upon the floor, with a bundle of cursed law papers for a pillow, +but with no other covering than a sort of large horseman’s cloak; +afterwards, however, we discovered in a garret an old sofa-cover, a +small piece of rug, and some fragments of other articles, which added a +little to our warmth. The poor child crept close to me for warmth, and +for security against her ghostly enemies. When I was not more than +usually ill I took her into my arms, so that in general she was +tolerably warm, and often slept when I could not, for during the last +two months of my sufferings I slept much in daytime, and was apt to +fall into transient dosings at all hours. But my sleep distressed me +more than my watching, for beside the tumultuousness of my dreams +(which were only not so awful as those which I shall have to describe +hereafter as produced by opium), my sleep was never more than what is +called _dog-sleep_; so that I could hear myself moaning, and was often, +as it seemed to me, awakened suddenly by my own voice; and about this +time a hideous sensation began to haunt me as soon as I fell into a +slumber, which has since returned upon me at different periods of my +life—viz., a sort of twitching (I know not where, but apparently about +the region of the stomach) which compelled me violently to throw out my +feet for the sake of relieving it. This sensation coming on as soon as +I began to sleep, and the effort to relieve it constantly awaking me, +at length I slept only from exhaustion; and from increasing weakness +(as I said before) I was constantly falling asleep and constantly +awaking. Meantime, the master of the house sometimes came in upon us +suddenly, and very early; sometimes not till ten o’clock, sometimes not +at all. He was in constant fear of bailiffs. Improving on the plan of +Cromwell, every night he slept in a different quarter of London; and I +observed that he never failed to examine through a private window the +appearance of those who knocked at the door before he would allow it to +be opened. He breaksfasted alone; indeed, his tea equipage would hardly +have admitted of his hazarding an invitation to a second person, any +more than the quantity of esculent _matériel_, which for the most part +was little more than a roll or a few biscuits which he had bought on +his road from the place where he had slept. Or, if he _had_ asked a +party—as I once learnedly and facetiously observed to him—the several +members of it must have _stood_ in the relation to each other (not +_sate_ in any relation whatever) of succession, as the metaphysicians +have it, and not of a coexistence; in the relation of the parts of +time, and not of the parts of space. During his breakfast I generally +contrived a reason for lounging in, and, with an air of as much +indifference as I could assume, took up such fragments as he had left; +sometimes, indeed, there were none at all. In doing this I committed no +robbery except upon the man himself, who was thus obliged (I believe) +now and then to send out at noon for an extra biscuit; for as to the +poor child, _she_ was never admitted into his study (if I may give that +name to his chief depository of parchments, law writings, &c.); that +room was to her the Bluebeard room of the house, being regularly locked +on his departure to dinner, about six o’clock, which usually was his +final departure for the night. Whether this child were an illegitimate +daughter of Mr. ——, or only a servant, I could not ascertain; she did +not herself know; but certainly she was treated altogether as a menial +servant. No sooner did Mr. —— make his appearance than she went below +stairs, brushed his shoes, coat, &c.; and, except when she was summoned +to run an errand, she never emerged from the dismal Tartarus of the +kitchen, &c., to the upper air until my welcome knock at night called +up her little trembling footsteps to the front door. Of her life during +the daytime, however, I knew little but what I gathered from her own +account at night, for as soon as the hours of business commenced I saw +that my absence would be acceptable, and in general, therefore, I went +off and sate in the parks or elsewhere until nightfall. + +But who and what, meantime, was the master of the house himself? +Reader, he was one of those anomalous practitioners in lower +departments of the law who—what shall I say?—who on prudential reasons, +or from necessity, deny themselves all indulgence in the luxury of too +delicate a conscience, (a periphrasis which might be abridged +considerably, but _that_ I leave to the reader’s taste): in many walks +of life a conscience is a more expensive encumbrance than a wife or a +carriage; and just as people talk of “laying down” their carriages, so +I suppose my friend Mr. —— had “laid down” his conscience for a time, +meaning, doubtless, to resume it as soon as he could afford it. The +inner economy of such a man’s daily life would present a most strange +picture, if I could allow myself to amuse the reader at his expense. +Even with my limited opportunities for observing what went on, I saw +many scenes of London intrigues and complex chicanery, “cycle and +epicycle, orb in orb,” at which I sometimes smile to this day, and at +which I smiled then, in spite of my misery. My situation, however, at +that time gave me little experience in my own person of any qualities +in Mr. ——’s character but such as did him honour; and of his whole +strange composition I must forget everything but that towards me he was +obliging, and to the extent of his power, generous. + +That power was not, indeed, very extensive; however, in common with the +rats, I sate rent free; and as Dr. Johnson has recorded that he never +but once in his life had as much wall-fruit as he could eat, so let me +be grateful that on that single occasion I had as large a choice of +apartments in a London mansion as I could possibly desire. Except the +Bluebeard room, which the poor child believed to be haunted, all +others, from the attics to the cellars, were at our service; “the world +was all before us,” and we pitched our tent for the night in any spot +we chose. This house I have already described as a large one; it stands +in a conspicuous situation and in a well-known part of London. Many of +my readers will have passed it, I doubt not, within a few hours of +reading this. For myself, I never fail to visit it when business draws +me to London; about ten o’clock this very night, August 15, 1821—being +my birthday—I turned aside from my evening walk down Oxford Street, +purposely to take a glance at it; it is now occupied by a respectable +family, and by the lights in the front drawing-room I observed a +domestic party assembled, perhaps at tea, and apparently cheerful and +gay. Marvellous contrast, in my eyes, to the darkness, cold, silence, +and desolation of that same house eighteen years ago, when its nightly +occupants were one famishing scholar and a neglected child. Her, +by-the-bye, in after-years I vainly endeavoured to trace. Apart from +her situation, she was not what would be called an interesting child; +she was neither pretty, nor quick in understanding, nor remarkably +pleasing in manners. But, thank God! even in those years I needed not +the embellishments of novel accessories to conciliate my affections: +plain human nature, in its humblest and most homely apparel, was enough +for me, and I loved the child because she was my partner in +wretchedness. If she is now living she is probably a mother, with +children of her own; but, as I have said, I could never trace her. + +This I regret; but another person there was at that time whom I have +since sought to trace with far deeper earnestness, and with far deeper +sorrow at my failure. This person was a young woman, and one of that +unhappy class who subsist upon the wages of prostitution. I feel no +shame, nor have any reason to feel it, in avowing that I was then on +familiar and friendly terms with many women in that unfortunate +condition. The reader needs neither smile at this avowal nor frown; +for, not to remind my classical readers of the old Latin proverb, +“_Sine cerere_,” &c., it may well be supposed that in the existing +state of my purse my connection with such women could not have been an +impure one. But the truth is, that at no time of my life have I been a +person to hold myself polluted by the touch or approach of any creature +that wore a human shape; on the contrary, from my very earliest youth +it has been my pride to converse familiarly, _more Socratio_, with all +human beings, man, woman, and child, that chance might fling in my way; +a practice which is friendly to the knowledge of human nature, to good +feelings, and to that frankness of address which becomes a man who +would be thought a philosopher. For a philosopher should not see with +the eyes of the poor limitary creature calling himself a man of the +world, and filled with narrow and self-regarding prejudices of birth +and education, but should look upon himself as a catholic creature, and +as standing in equal relation to high and low, to educated and +uneducated, to the guilty and the innocent. Being myself at that time +of necessity a peripatetic, or a walker of the streets, I naturally +fell in more frequently with those female peripatetics who are +technically called street-walkers. Many of these women had occasionally +taken my part against watchmen who wished to drive me off the steps of +houses where I was sitting. But one amongst them, the one on whose +account I have at all introduced this subject—yet no! let me not class +the, oh! noble-minded Ann—with that order of women. Let me find, if it +be possible, some gentler name to designate the condition of her to +whose bounty and compassion, ministering to my necessities when all the +world had forsaken me, I owe it that I am at this time alive. For many +weeks I had walked at nights with this poor friendless girl up and down +Oxford Street, or had rested with her on steps and under the shelter of +porticoes. She could not be so old as myself; she told me, indeed, that +she had not completed her sixteenth year. By such questions as my +interest about her prompted I had gradually drawn forth her simple +history. Hers was a case of ordinary occurrence (as I have since had +reason to think), and one in which, if London beneficence had better +adapted its arrangements to meet it, the power of the law might oftener +be interposed to protect and to avenge. But the stream of London +charity flows in a channel which, though deep and mighty, is yet +noiseless and underground; not obvious or readily accessible to poor +houseless wanderers; and it cannot be denied that the outside air and +framework of London society is harsh, cruel, and repulsive. In any +case, however, I saw that part of her injuries might easily have been +redressed, and I urged her often and earnestly to lay her complaint +before a magistrate. Friendless as she was, I assured her that she +would meet with immediate attention, and that English justice, which +was no respecter of persons, would speedily and amply avenge her on the +brutal ruffian who had plundered her little property. She promised me +often that she would, but she delayed taking the steps I pointed out +from time to time, for she was timid and dejected to a degree which +showed how deeply sorrow had taken hold of her young heart; and perhaps +she thought justly that the most upright judge and the most righteous +tribunals could do nothing to repair her heaviest wrongs. Something, +however, would perhaps have been done, for it had been settled between +us at length, but unhappily on the very last time but one that I was +ever to see her, that in a day or two we should go together before a +magistrate, and that I should speak on her behalf. This little service +it was destined, however, that I should never realise. Meantime, that +which she rendered to me, and which was greater than I could ever have +repaid her, was this:—One night, when we were pacing slowly along +Oxford Street, and after a day when I had felt more than usually ill +and faint, I requested her to turn off with me into Soho Square. +Thither we went, and we sat down on the steps of a house, which to this +hour I never pass without a pang of grief and an inner act of homage to +the spirit of that unhappy girl, in memory of the noble action which +she there performed. Suddenly, as we sate, I grew much worse. I had +been leaning my head against her bosom, and all at once I sank from her +arms and fell backwards on the steps. From the sensations I then had, I +felt an inner conviction of the liveliest kind, that without some +powerful and reviving stimulus I should either have died on the spot, +or should at least have sunk to a point of exhaustion from which all +reäscent under my friendless circumstances would soon have become +hopeless. Then it was, at this crisis of my fate, that my poor orphan +companion, who had herself met with little but injuries in this world, +stretched out a saving hand to me. Uttering a cry of terror, but +without a moment’s delay, she ran off into Oxford Street, and in less +time than could be imagined returned to me with a glass of port wine +and spices, that acted upon my empty stomach, which at that time would +have rejected all solid food, with an instantaneous power of +restoration; and for this glass the generous girl without a murmur paid +out of her humble purse at a time—be it remembered!—when she had +scarcely wherewithal to purchase the bare necessaries of life, and when +she could have no reason to expect that I should ever be able to +reimburse her. + +Oh, youthful benefactress! how often in succeeding years, standing in +solitary places, and thinking of thee with grief of heart and perfect +love—how often have I wished that, as in ancient times, the curse of a +father was believed to have a supernatural power, and to pursue its +object with a fatal necessity of self-fulfilment; even so the +benediction of a heart oppressed with gratitude might have a like +prerogative, might have power given to it from above to chase, to +haunt, to waylay, to overtake, to pursue thee into the central darkness +of a London brothel, or (if it were possible) into the darkness of the +grave, there to awaken thee with an authentic message of peace and +forgiveness, and of final reconciliation! + +I do not often weep: for not only do my thoughts on subjects connected +with the chief interests of man daily, nay hourly, descend a thousand +fathoms “too deep for tears;” not only does the sternness of my habits +of thought present an antagonism to the feelings which prompt +tears—wanting of necessity to those who, being protected usually by +their levity from any tendency to meditative sorrow, would by that same +levity be made incapable of resisting it on any casual access of such +feelings; but also, I believe that all minds which have contemplated +such objects as deeply as I have done, must, for their own protection +from utter despondency, have early encouraged and cherished some +tranquillising belief as to the future balances and the hieroglyphic +meanings of human sufferings. On these accounts I am cheerful to this +hour, and, as I have said, I do not often weep. Yet some feelings, +though not deeper or more passionate, are more tender than others; and +often, when I walk at this time in Oxford Street by dreamy lamplight, +and hear those airs played on a barrel-organ which years ago solaced me +and my dear companion (as I must always call her), I shed tears, and +muse with myself at the mysterious dispensation which so suddenly and +so critically separated us for ever. How it happened the reader will +understand from what remains of this introductory narration. + +Soon after the period of the last incident I have recorded I met in +Albemarle Street a gentleman of his late Majesty’s household. This +gentleman had received hospitalities on different occasions from my +family, and he challenged me upon the strength of my family likeness. I +did not attempt any disguise; I answered his questions ingenuously, +and, on his pledging his word of honour that he would not betray me to +my guardians, I gave him an address to my friend the attorney’s. The +next day I received from him a £10 bank-note. The letter enclosing it +was delivered with other letters of business to the attorney, but +though his look and manner informed me that he suspected its contents, +he gave it up to me honourably and without demur. + +This present, from the particular service to which it was applied, +leads me naturally to speak of the purpose which had allured me up to +London, and which I had been (to use a forensic word) soliciting from +the first day of my arrival in London to that of my final departure. + +In so mighty a world as London it will surprise my readers that I +should not have found some means of starving off the last extremities +of penury; and it will strike them that two resources at least must +have been open to me—viz., either to seek assistance from the friends +of my family, or to turn my youthful talents and attainments into some +channel of pecuniary emolument. As to the first course, I may observe +generally, that what I dreaded beyond all other evils was the chance of +being reclaimed by my guardians; not doubting that whatever power the +law gave them would have been enforced against me to the utmost—that +is, to the extremity of forcibly restoring me to the school which I had +quitted, a restoration which, as it would in my eyes have been a +dishonour, even if submitted to voluntarily, could not fail, when +extorted from me in contempt and defiance of my own wishes and efforts, +to have been a humiliation worse to me than death, and which would +indeed have terminated in death. I was therefore shy enough of applying +for assistance even in those quarters where I was sure of receiving it, +at the risk of furnishing my guardians with any clue of recovering me. +But as to London in particular, though doubtless my father had in his +lifetime had many friends there, yet (as ten years had passed since his +death) I remembered few of them even by name; and never having seen +London before, except once for a few hours, I knew not the address of +even those few. To this mode of gaining help, therefore, in part the +difficulty, but much more the paramount fear which I have mentioned, +habitually indisposed me. In regard to the other mode, I now feel half +inclined to join my reader in wondering that I should have overlooked +it. As a corrector of Greek proofs (if in no other way) I might +doubtless have gained enough for my slender wants. Such an office as +this I could have discharged with an exemplary and punctual accuracy +that would soon have gained me the confidence of my employers. But it +must not be forgotten that, even for such an office as this, it was +necessary that I should first of all have an introduction to some +respectable publisher, and this I had no means of obtaining. To say the +truth, however, it had never once occurred to me to think of literary +labours as a source of profit. No mode sufficiently speedy of obtaining +money had ever occurred to me but that of borrowing it on the strength +of my future claims and expectations. This mode I sought by every +avenue to compass; and amongst other persons I applied to a Jew named +D—— {4} + +To this Jew, and to other advertising money-lenders (some of whom were, +I believe, also Jews), I had introduced myself with an account of my +expectations; which account, on examining my father’s will at Doctors’ +Commons, they had ascertained to be correct. The person there mentioned +as the second son of —— was found to have all the claims (or more than +all) that I had stated; but one question still remained, which the +faces of the Jews pretty significantly suggested—was _I_ that person? +This doubt had never occurred to me as a possible one; I had rather +feared, whenever my Jewish friends scrutinised me keenly, that I might +be too well known to be that person, and that some scheme might be +passing in their minds for entrapping me and selling me to my +guardians. It was strange to me to find my own self _materialiter_ +considered (so I expressed it, for I doated on logical accuracy of +distinctions), accused, or at least suspected, of counterfeiting my own +self _formaliter_ considered. However, to satisfy their scruples, I +took the only course in my power. Whilst I was in Wales I had received +various letters from young friends; these I produced, for I carried +them constantly in my pocket, being, indeed, by this time almost the +only relics of my personal encumbrances (excepting the clothes I wore) +which I had not in one way or other disposed of. Most of these letters +were from the Earl of ——, who was at that time my chief (or rather +only) confidential friend. These letters were dated from Eton. I had +also some from the Marquis of ——, his father, who, though absorbed in +agricultural pursuits, yet having been an Etonian himself, and as good +a scholar as a nobleman needs to be, still retained an affection for +classical studies and for youthful scholars. He had accordingly, from +the time that I was fifteen, corresponded with me; sometimes upon the +great improvements which he had made or was meditating in the counties +of M—— and Sl—— since I had been there, sometimes upon the merits of a +Latin poet, and at other times suggesting subjects to me on which he +wished me to write verses. + +On reading the letters, one of my Jewish friends agreed to furnish me +with two or three hundred pounds on my personal security, provided I +could persuade the young Earl —— who was, by the way, not older than +myself—to guarantee the payment on our coming of age; the Jew’s final +object being, as I now suppose, not the trifling profit he could expect +to make by me, but the prospect of establishing a connection with my +noble friend, whose immense expectations were well known to him. In +pursuance of this proposal on the part of the Jew, about eight or nine +days after I had received the £10, I prepared to go down to Eton. +Nearly £3 of the money I had given to my money-lending friend, on his +alleging that the stamps must be bought, in order that the writings +might be preparing whilst I was away from London. I thought in my heart +that he was lying; but I did not wish to give him any excuse for +charging his own delays upon me. A smaller sum I had given to my friend +the attorney (who was connected with the money-lenders as their +lawyer), to which, indeed, he was entitled for his unfurnished +lodgings. About fifteen shillings I had employed in re-establishing +(though in a very humble way) my dress. Of the remainder I gave one +quarter to Ann, meaning on my return to have divided with her whatever +might remain. These arrangements made, soon after six o’clock on a dark +winter evening I set off, accompanied by Ann, towards Piccadilly; for +it was my intention to go down as far as Salthill on the Bath or +Bristol mail. Our course lay through a part of the town which has now +all disappeared, so that I can no longer retrace its ancient +boundaries—Swallow Street, I think it was called. Having time enough +before us, however, we bore away to the left until we came into Golden +Square; there, near the corner of Sherrard Street, we sat down, not +wishing to part in the tumult and blaze of Piccadilly. I had told her +of my plans some time before, and I now assured her again that she +should share in my good fortune, if I met with any, and that I would +never forsake her as soon as I had power to protect her. This I fully +intended, as much from inclination as from a sense of duty; for setting +aside gratitude, which in any case must have made me her debtor for +life, I loved her as affectionately as if she had been my sister; and +at this moment with sevenfold tenderness, from pity at witnessing her +extreme dejection. I had apparently most reason for dejection, because +I was leaving the saviour of my life; yet I, considering the shock my +health had received, was cheerful and full of hope. She, on the +contrary, who was parting with one who had had little means of serving +her, except by kindness and brotherly treatment, was overcome by +sorrow; so that, when I kissed her at our final farewell, she put her +arms about my neck and wept without speaking a word. I hoped to return +in a week at farthest, and I agreed with her that on the fifth night +from that, and every night afterwards, she would wait for me at six +o’clock near the bottom of Great Titchfield Street, which had been our +customary haven, as it were, of rendezvous, to prevent our missing each +other in the great Mediterranean of Oxford Street. This and other +measures of precaution I took; one only I forgot. She had either never +told me, or (as a matter of no great interest) I had forgotten her +surname. It is a general practice, indeed, with girls of humble rank in +her unhappy condition, not (as novel-reading women of higher +pretensions) to style themselves _Miss Douglas_, _Miss Montague_, &c., +but simply by their Christian names—_Mary_, _Jane_, _Frances_, &c. Her +surname, as the surest means of tracing her hereafter, I ought now to +have inquired; but the truth is, having no reason to think that our +meeting could, in consequence of a short interruption, be more +difficult or uncertain than it had been for so many weeks, I had +scarcely for a moment adverted to it as necessary, or placed it amongst +my memoranda against this parting interview; and my final anxieties +being spent in comforting her with hopes, and in pressing upon her the +necessity of getting some medicines for a violent cough and hoarseness +with which she was troubled, I wholly forgot it until it was too late +to recall her. + +It was past eight o’clock when I reached the Gloucester Coffee-house, +and the Bristol mail being on the point of going off, I mounted on the +outside. The fine fluent motion {5} of this mail soon laid me asleep: +it is somewhat remarkable that the first easy or refreshing sleep which +I had enjoyed for some months, was on the outside of a mail-coach—a bed +which at this day I find rather an uneasy one. Connected with this +sleep was a little incident which served, as hundreds of others did at +that time, to convince me how easily a man who has never been in any +great distress may pass through life without knowing, in his own person +at least, anything of the possible goodness of the human heart—or, as I +must add with a sigh, of its possible vileness. So thick a curtain of +_manners_ is drawn over the features and expression of men’s _natures_, +that to the ordinary observer the two extremities, and the infinite +field of varieties which lie between them, are all confounded; the vast +and multitudinous compass of their several harmonies reduced to the +meagre outline of differences expressed in the gamut or alphabet of +elementary sounds. The case was this: for the first four or five miles +from London I annoyed my fellow-passenger on the roof by occasionally +falling against him when the coach gave a lurch to his side: and +indeed, if the road had been less smooth and level than it is, I should +have fallen off from weakness. Of this annoyance he complained heavily, +as perhaps, in the same circumstances, most people would; he expressed +his complaint, however, more morosely than the occasion seemed to +warrant, and if I had parted with him at that moment I should have +thought of him (if I had considered it worth while to think of him at +all) as a surly and almost brutal fellow. However, I was conscious that +I had given him some cause for complaint, and therefore I apologized to +him, and assured him I would do what I could to avoid falling asleep +for the future; and at the same time, in as few words as possible, I +explained to him that I was ill and in a weak state from long +suffering, and that I could not afford at that time to take an inside +place. This man’s manner changed, upon hearing this explanation, in an +instant; and when I next woke for a minute from the noise and lights of +Hounslow (for in spite of my wishes and efforts I had fallen asleep +again within two minutes from the time I had spoken to him) I found +that he had put his arm round me to protect me from falling off, and +for the rest of my journey he behaved to me with the gentleness of a +woman, so that at length I almost lay in his arms; and this was the +more kind, as he could not have known that I was not going the whole +way to Bath or Bristol. Unfortunately, indeed, I _did_ go rather +farther than I intended, for so genial and so refreshing was my sleep, +that the next time after leaving Hounslow that I fully awoke was upon +the sudden pulling up of the mail (possibly at a post-office), and on +inquiry I found that we had reached Maidenhead—six or seven miles, I +think, ahead of Salthill. Here I alighted, and for the half-minute that +the mail stopped I was entreated by my friendly companion (who, from +the transient glimpse I had had of him in Piccadilly, seemed to me to +be a gentleman’s butler, or person of that rank) to go to bed without +delay. This I promised, though with no intention of doing so; and in +fact I immediately set forward, or rather backward, on foot. It must +then have been nearly midnight, but so slowly did I creep along that I +heard a clock in a cottage strike four before I turned down the lane +from Slough to Eton. The air and the sleep had both refreshed me; but I +was weary nevertheless. I remember a thought (obvious enough, and which +has been prettily expressed by a Roman poet) which gave me some +consolation at that moment under my poverty. There had been some time +before a murder committed on or near Hounslow Heath. I think I cannot +be mistaken when I say that the name of the murdered person was +_Steele_, and that he was the owner of a lavender plantation in that +neighbourhood. Every step of my progress was bringing me nearer to the +Heath, and it naturally occurred to me that I and the accused murderer, +if he were that night abroad, might at every instant be unconsciously +approaching each other through the darkness; in which case, said +I—supposing I, instead of being (as indeed I am) little better than an +outcast— + +Lord of my learning, and no land beside— + + +were, like my friend Lord ——, heir by general repute to £70,000 per +annum, what a panic should I be under at this moment about my throat! +Indeed, it was not likely that Lord —— should ever be in my situation. +But nevertheless, the spirit of the remark remains true—that vast power +and possessions make a man shamefully afraid of dying; and I am +convinced that many of the most intrepid adventurers, who, by +fortunately being poor, enjoy the full use of their natural courage, +would, if at the very instant of going into action news were brought to +them that they had unexpectedly succeeded to an estate in England of +£50,000 a-year, feel their dislike to bullets considerably sharpened, +{6} and their efforts at perfect equanimity and self-possession +proportionably difficult. So true it is, in the language of a wise man +whose own experience had made him acquainted with both fortunes, that +riches are better fitted + +To slacken virtue, and abate her edge, +Than tempt her to do ought may merit praise. + + +_Paradise Regained_. + + +I dally with my subject because, to myself, the remembrance of these +times is profoundly interesting. But my reader shall not have any +further cause to complain, for I now hasten to its close. In the road +between Slough and Eton I fell asleep, and just as the morning began to +dawn I was awakened by the voice of a man standing over me and +surveying me. I know not what he was: he was an ill-looking fellow, but +not therefore of necessity an ill-meaning fellow; or, if he were, I +suppose he thought that no person sleeping out-of-doors in winter could +be worth robbing. In which conclusion, however, as it regarded myself, +I beg to assure him, if he should be among my readers, that he was +mistaken. After a slight remark he passed on; and I was not sorry at +his disturbance, as it enabled me to pass through Eton before people +were generally up. The night had been heavy and lowering, but towards +the morning it had changed to a slight frost, and the ground and the +trees were now covered with rime. I slipped through Eton unobserved; +washed myself, and as far as possible adjusted my dress, at a little +public-house in Windsor; and about eight o’clock went down towards +Pote’s. On my road I met some junior boys, of whom I made inquiries. An +Etonian is always a gentleman; and, in spite of my shabby habiliments, +they answered me civilly. My friend Lord —— was gone to the University +of ——. “Ibi omnis effusus labor!” I had, however, other friends at +Eton; but it is not to all that wear that name in prosperity that a man +is willing to present himself in distress. On recollecting myself, +however, I asked for the Earl of D——, to whom (though my acquaintance +with him was not so intimate as with some others) I should not have +shrunk from presenting myself under any circumstances. He was still at +Eton, though I believe on the wing for Cambridge. I called, was +received kindly, and asked to breakfast. + +Here let me stop for a moment to check my reader from any erroneous +conclusions. Because I have had occasion incidentally to speak of +various patrician friends, it must not be supposed that I have myself +any pretension to rank and high blood. I thank God that I have not. I +am the son of a plain English merchant, esteemed during his life for +his great integrity, and strongly attached to literary pursuits +(indeed, he was himself, anonymously, an author). If he had lived it +was expected that he would have been very rich; but dying prematurely, +he left no more than about £30,000 amongst seven different claimants. +My mother I may mention with honour, as still more highly gifted; for +though unpretending to the name and honours of a _literary_ woman, I +shall presume to call her (what many literary women are not) an +_intellectual_ woman; and I believe that if ever her letters should be +collected and published, they would be thought generally to exhibit as +much strong and masculine sense, delivered in as pure “mother English,” +racy and fresh with idiomatic graces, as any in our language—hardly +excepting those of Lady M. W. Montague. These are my honours of +descent, I have no other; and I have thanked God sincerely that I have +not, because, in my judgment, a station which raises a man too +eminently above the level of his fellow-creatures is not the most +favourable to moral or to intellectual qualities. + +Lord D—— placed before me a most magnificent breakfast. It was really +so; but in my eyes it seemed trebly magnificent, from being the first +regular meal, the first “good man’s table,” that I had sate down to for +months. Strange to say, however, I could scarce eat anything. On the +day when I first received my £10 bank-note I had gone to a baker’s shop +and bought a couple of rolls; this very shop I had two months or six +weeks before surveyed with an eagerness of desire which it was almost +humiliating to me to recollect. I remembered the story about Otway, and +feared that there might be danger in eating too rapidly. But I had no +need for alarm; my appetite was quite sunk, and I became sick before I +had eaten half of what I had bought. This effect from eating what +approached to a meal I continued to feel for weeks; or, when I did not +experience any nausea, part of what I ate was rejected, sometimes with +acidity, sometimes immediately and without any acidity. On the present +occasion, at Lord D-’s table, I found myself not at all better than +usual, and in the midst of luxuries I had no appetite. I had, however, +unfortunately, at all times a craving for wine; I explained my +situation, therefore, to Lord D——, and gave him a short account of my +late sufferings, at which he expressed great compassion, and called for +wine. This gave me a momentary relief and pleasure; and on all +occasions when I had an opportunity I never failed to drink wine, which +I worshipped then as I have since worshipped opium. I am convinced, +however, that this indulgence in wine contributed to strengthen my +malady, for the tone of my stomach was apparently quite sunk, and by a +better regimen it might sooner, and perhaps effectually, have been +revived. I hope that it was not from this love of wine that I lingered +in the neighbourhood of my Eton friends; I persuaded myself then that +it was from reluctance to ask of Lord D——, on whom I was conscious I +had not sufficient claims, the particular service in quest of which I +had come down to Eton. I was, however unwilling to lose my journey, +and—I asked it. Lord D——, whose good nature was unbounded, and which, +in regard to myself, had been measured rather by his compassion perhaps +for my condition, and his knowledge of my intimacy with some of his +relatives, than by an over-rigorous inquiry into the extent of my own +direct claims, faltered, nevertheless, at this request. He acknowledged +that he did not like to have any dealings with money-lenders, and +feared lest such a transaction might come to the ears of his +connexions. Moreover, he doubted whether _his_ signature, whose +expectations were so much more bounded than those of ——, would avail +with my unchristian friends. However, he did not wish, as it seemed, to +mortify me by an absolute refusal; for after a little consideration he +promised, under certain conditions which he pointed out, to give his +security. Lord D—— was at this time not eighteen years of age; but I +have often doubted, on recollecting since the good sense and prudence +which on this occasion he mingled with so much urbanity of manner (an +urbanity which in him wore the grace of youthful sincerity), whether +any statesman—the oldest and the most accomplished in diplomacy—could +have acquitted himself better under the same circumstances. Most +people, indeed, cannot be addressed on such a business without +surveying you with looks as austere and unpropitious as those of a +Saracen’s head. + +Recomforted by this promise, which was not quite equal to the best but +far above the worst that I had pictured to myself as possible, I +returned in a Windsor coach to London three days after I had quitted +it. And now I come to the end of my story. The Jews did not approve of +Lord D——’s terms; whether they would in the end have acceded to them, +and were only seeking time for making due inquiries, I know not; but +many delays were made, time passed on, the small fragment of my +bank-note had just melted away, and before any conclusion could have +been put to the business I must have relapsed into my former state of +wretchedness. Suddenly, however, at this crisis, an opening was made, +almost by accident, for reconciliation with my friends; I quitted +London in haste for a remote part of England; after some time I +proceeded to the university, and it was not until many months had +passed away that I had it in my power again to revisit the ground which +had become so interesting to me, and to this day remains so, as the +chief scene of my youthful sufferings. + +Meantime, what had become of poor Ann? For her I have reserved my +concluding words. According to our agreement, I sought her daily, and +waited for her every night, so long as I stayed in London, at the +corner of Titchfield Street. I inquired for her of every one who was +likely to know her, and during the last hours of my stay in London I +put into activity every means of tracing her that my knowledge of +London suggested and the limited extent of my power made possible. The +street where she had lodged I knew, but not the house; and I remembered +at last some account which she had given me of ill-treatment from her +landlord, which made it probable that she had quitted those lodgings +before we parted. She had few acquaintances; most people, besides, +thought that the earnestness of my inquiries arose from motives which +moved their laughter or their slight regard; and others, thinking I was +in chase of a girl who had robbed me of some trifles, were naturally +and excusably indisposed to give me any clue to her, if indeed they had +any to give. Finally as my despairing resource, on the day I left +London I put into the hands of the only person who (I was sure) must +know Ann by sight, from having been in company with us once or twice, +an address to ——, in ——shire, at that time the residence of my family. +But to this hour I have never heard a syllable about her. This, amongst +such troubles as most men meet with in this life, has been my heaviest +affliction. If she lived, doubtless we must have been some time in +search of each other, at the very same moment, through the mighty +labyrinths of London; perhaps even within a few feet of each other—a +barrier no wider than a London street often amounting in the end to a +separation for eternity! During some years I hoped that she _did_ live; +and I suppose that, in the literal and unrhetorical use of the word +_myriad_, I may say that on my different visits to London I have looked +into many, many myriads of female faces, in the hope of meeting her. I +should know her again amongst a thousand, if I saw her for a moment; +for though not handsome, she had a sweet expression of countenance and +a peculiar and graceful carriage of the head. I sought her, I have +said, in hope. So it was for years; but now I should fear to see her; +and her cough, which grieved me when I parted with her, is now my +consolation. I now wish to see her no longer; but think of her, more +gladly, as one long since laid in the grave—in the grave, I would hope, +of a Magdalen; taken away, before injuries and cruelty had blotted out +and transfigured her ingenuous nature, or the brutalities of ruffians +had completed the ruin they had begun. + +[The remainder of this very interesting article will be given in the +next number.—ED.] + + + + +PART II + + +From the London Magazine for October 1821. + +So then, Oxford Street, stony-hearted step-mother! thou that listenest +to the sighs of orphans and drinkest the tears of children, at length I +was dismissed from thee; the time was come at last that I no more +should pace in anguish thy never-ending terraces, no more should dream +and wake in captivity to the pangs of hunger. Successors too many, to +myself and Ann, have doubtless since then trodden in our footsteps, +inheritors of our calamities; other orphans than Ann have sighed; tears +have been shed by other children; and thou, Oxford Street, hast since +doubtless echoed to the groans of innumerable hearts. For myself, +however, the storm which I had outlived seemed to have been the pledge +of a long fair-weather—the premature sufferings which I had paid down +to have been accepted as a ransom for many years to come, as a price of +long immunity from sorrow; and if again I walked in London a solitary +and contemplative man (as oftentimes I did), I walked for the most part +in serenity and peace of mind. And although it is true that the +calamities of my noviciate in London had struck root so deeply in my +bodily constitution, that afterwards they shot up and flourished +afresh, and grew into a noxious umbrage that has overshadowed and +darkened my latter years, yet these second assaults of suffering were +met with a fortitude more confirmed, with the resources of a maturer +intellect, and with alleviations from sympathising affection—how deep +and tender! + +Thus, however, with whatsoever alleviations, years that were far +asunder were bound together by subtle links of suffering derived from a +common root. And herein I notice an instance of the short-sightedness +of human desires, that oftentimes on moonlight nights, during my first +mournful abode in London, my consolation was (if such it could be +thought) to gaze from Oxford Street up every avenue in succession which +pierces through the heart of Marylebone to the fields and the woods; +for _that_, said I, travelling with my eyes up the long vistas which +lay part in light and part in shade, “_that_ is the road to the North, +and therefore to, and if I had the wings of a dove, _that_ way I would +fly for comfort.” Thus I said, and thus I wished, in my blindness. Yet +even in that very northern region it was, even in that very valley, +nay, in that very house to which my erroneous wishes pointed, that this +second birth of my sufferings began, and that they again threatened to +besiege the citadel of life and hope. There it was that for years I was +persecuted by visions as ugly, and as ghastly phantoms as ever haunted +the couch of an Orestes; and in this unhappier than he, that sleep, +which comes to all as a respite and a restoration, and to him +especially as a blessed {7} balm for his wounded heart and his haunted +brain, visited me as my bitterest scourge. Thus blind was I in my +desires; yet if a veil interposes between the dim-sightedness of man +and his future calamities, the same veil hides from him their +alleviations, and a grief which had not been feared is met by +consolations which had not been hoped. I therefore, who participated, +as it were, in the troubles of Orestes (excepting only in his agitated +conscience), participated no less in all his supports. My Eumenides, +like his, were at my bed-feet, and stared in upon me through the +curtains; but watching by my pillow, or defrauding herself of sleep to +bear me company through the heavy watches of the night, sate my +Electra; for thou, beloved M., dear companion of my later years, thou +wast my Electra! and neither in nobility of mind nor in long-suffering +affection wouldst permit that a Grecian sister should excel an English +wife. For thou thoughtest not much to stoop to humble offices of +kindness and to servile {8} ministrations of tenderest affection—to +wipe away for years the unwholesome dews upon the forehead, or to +refresh the lips when parched and baked with fever; nor even when thy +own peaceful slumbers had by long sympathy become infected with the +spectacle of my dread contest with phantoms and shadowy enemies that +oftentimes bade me “sleep no more!”—not even then didst thou utter a +complaint or any murmur, nor withdraw thy angelic smiles, nor shrink +from thy service of love, more than Electra did of old. For she too, +though she was a Grecian woman, and the daughter of the king {9} of +men, yet wept sometimes, and hid her face {10} in her robe. + +But these troubles are past; and thou wilt read records of a period so +dolorous to us both as the legend of some hideous dream that can return +no more. Meantime, I am again in London, and again I pace the terraces +of Oxford Street by night; and oftentimes, when I am oppressed by +anxieties that demand all my philosophy and the comfort of thy presence +to support, and yet remember that I am separated from thee by three +hundred miles and the length of three dreary months, I look up the +streets that run northwards from Oxford Street, upon moonlight nights, +and recollect my youthful ejaculation of anguish; and remembering that +thou art sitting alone in that same valley, and mistress of that very +house to which my heart turned in its blindness nineteen years ago, I +think that, though blind indeed, and scattered to the winds of late, +the promptings of my heart may yet have had reference to a remoter +time, and may be justified if read in another meaning; and if I could +allow myself to descend again to the impotent wishes of childhood, I +should again say to myself, as I look to the North, “Oh, that I had the +wings of a dove—” and with how just a confidence in thy good and +gracious nature might I add the other half of my early ejaculation—“And +_that_ way I would fly for comfort!” + + + + +THE PLEASURES OF OPIUM + + +It is so long since I first took opium that if it had been a trifling +incident in my life I might have forgotten its date; but cardinal +events are not to be forgotten, and from circumstances connected with +it I remember that it must be referred to the autumn of 1804. During +that season I was in London, having come thither for the first time +since my entrance at college. And my introduction to opium arose in the +following way. From an early age I had been accustomed to wash my head +in cold water at least once a day: being suddenly seized with +toothache, I attributed it to some relaxation caused by an accidental +intermission of that practice, jumped out of bed, plunged my head into +a basin of cold water, and with hair thus wetted went to sleep. The +next morning, as I need hardly say, I awoke with excruciating rheumatic +pains of the head and face, from which I had hardly any respite for +about twenty days. On the twenty-first day I think it was, and on a +Sunday, that I went out into the streets, rather to run away, if +possible, from my torments, than with any distinct purpose. By accident +I met a college acquaintance, who recommended opium. Opium! dread agent +of unimaginable pleasure and pain! I had heard of it as I had of manna +or of ambrosia, but no further. How unmeaning a sound was it at that +time: what solemn chords does it now strike upon my heart! what +heart-quaking vibrations of sad and happy remembrances! Reverting for a +moment to these, I feel a mystic importance attached to the minutest +circumstances connected with the place and the time and the man (if man +he was) that first laid open to me the Paradise of Opium-eaters. It was +a Sunday afternoon, wet and cheerless: and a duller spectacle this +earth of ours has not to show than a rainy Sunday in London. My road +homewards lay through Oxford Street; and near “the stately Pantheon” +(as Mr. Wordsworth has obligingly called it) I saw a druggist’s shop. +The druggist—unconscious minister of celestial pleasures!—as if in +sympathy with the rainy Sunday, looked dull and stupid, just as any +mortal druggist might be expected to look on a Sunday; and when I asked +for the tincture of opium, he gave it to me as any other man might do, +and furthermore, out of my shilling returned me what seemed to be real +copper halfpence, taken out of a real wooden drawer. Nevertheless, in +spite of such indications of humanity, he has ever since existed in my +mind as the beatific vision of an immortal druggist, sent down to earth +on a special mission to myself. And it confirms me in this way of +considering him, that when I next came up to London I sought him near +the stately Pantheon, and found him not; and thus to me, who knew not +his name (if indeed he had one), he seemed rather to have vanished from +Oxford Street than to have removed in any bodily fashion. The reader +may choose to think of him as possibly no more than a sublunary +druggist; it may be so, but my faith is better—I believe him to have +evanesced, {11} or evaporated. So unwillingly would I connect any +mortal remembrances with that hour, and place, and creature, that first +brought me acquainted with the celestial drug. + +Arrived at my lodgings, it may be supposed that I lost not a moment in +taking the quantity prescribed. I was necessarily ignorant of the whole +art and mystery of opium-taking, and what I took I took under every +disadvantage. But I took it—and in an hour—oh, heavens! what a +revulsion! what an upheaving, from its lowest depths, of inner spirit! +what an apocalypse of the world within me! That my pains had vanished +was now a trifle in my eyes: this negative effect was swallowed up in +the immensity of those positive effects which had opened before me—in +the abyss of divine enjoyment thus suddenly revealed. Here was a +panacea, a φαρμακον for all human woes; here was the secret of +happiness, about which philosophers had disputed for so many ages, at +once discovered: happiness might now be bought for a penny, and carried +in the waistcoat pocket; portable ecstacies might be had corked up in a +pint bottle, and peace of mind could be sent down in gallons by the +mail-coach. But if I talk in this way the reader will think I am +laughing, and I can assure him that nobody will laugh long who deals +much with opium: its pleasures even are of a grave and solemn +complexion, and in his happiest state the opium-eater cannot present +himself in the character of _L’Allegro_: even then he speaks and thinks +as becomes _Il Penseroso_. Nevertheless, I have a very reprehensible +way of jesting at times in the midst of my own misery; and unless when +I am checked by some more powerful feelings, I am afraid I shall be +guilty of this indecent practice even in these annals of suffering or +enjoyment. The reader must allow a little to my infirm nature in this +respect; and with a few indulgences of that sort I shall endeavour to +be as grave, if not drowsy, as fits a theme like opium, so +anti-mercurial as it really is, and so drowsy as it is falsely reputed. + +And first, one word with respect to its bodily effects; for upon all +that has been hitherto written on the subject of opium, whether by +travellers in Turkey (who may plead their privilege of lying as an old +immemorial right), or by professors of medicine, writing _ex cathedra_, +I have but one emphatic criticism to pronounce—Lies! lies! lies! I +remember once, in passing a book-stall, to have caught these words from +a page of some satiric author: “By this time I became convinced that +the London newspapers spoke truth at least twice a week, viz., on +Tuesday and Saturday, and might safely be depended upon for—the list of +bankrupts.” In like manner, I do by no means deny that some truths have +been delivered to the world in regard to opium. Thus it has been +repeatedly affirmed by the learned that opium is a dusky brown in +colour; and this, take notice, I grant. Secondly, that it is rather +dear, which also I grant, for in my time East Indian opium has been +three guineas a pound, and Turkey eight. And thirdly, that if you eat a +good deal of it, most probably you must do what is particularly +disagreeable to any man of regular habits, viz., die. {12} These +weighty propositions are, all and singular, true: I cannot gainsay +them, and truth ever was, and will be, commendable. But in these three +theorems I believe we have exhausted the stock of knowledge as yet +accumulated by men on the subject of opium. + +And therefore, worthy doctors, as there seems to be room for further +discoveries, stand aside, and allow me to come forward and lecture on +this matter. + +First, then, it is not so much affirmed as taken for granted, by all +who ever mention opium, formally or incidentally, that it does or can +produce intoxication. Now, reader, assure yourself, _meo perieulo_, +that no quantity of opium ever did or could intoxicate. As to the +tincture of opium (commonly called laudanum) _that_ might certainly +intoxicate if a man could bear to take enough of it; but why? Because +it contains so much proof spirit, and not because it contains so much +opium. But crude opium, I affirm peremptorily, is incapable of +producing any state of body at all resembling that which is produced by +alcohol, and not in _degree_ only incapable, but even in _kind_: it is +not in the quantity of its effects merely, but in the quality, that it +differs altogether. The pleasure given by wine is always mounting and +tending to a crisis, after which it declines; that from opium, when +once generated, is stationary for eight or ten hours: the first, to +borrow a technical distinction from medicine, is a case of acute—the +second, the chronic pleasure; the one is a flame, the other a steady +and equable glow. But the main distinction lies in this, that whereas +wine disorders the mental faculties, opium, on the contrary (if taken +in a proper manner), introduces amongst them the most exquisite order, +legislation, and harmony. Wine robs a man of his self-possession; opium +greatly invigorates it. Wine unsettles and clouds the judgement, and +gives a preternatural brightness and a vivid exaltation to the +contempts and the admirations, the loves and the hatreds of the +drinker; opium, on the contrary, communicates serenity and equipoise to +all the faculties, active or passive, and with respect to the temper +and moral feelings in general it gives simply that sort of vital warmth +which is approved by the judgment, and which would probably always +accompany a bodily constitution of primeval or antediluvian health. +Thus, for instance, opium, like wine, gives an expansion to the heart +and the benevolent affections; but then, with this remarkable +difference, that in the sudden development of kind-heartedness which +accompanies inebriation there is always more or less of a maudlin +character, which exposes it to the contempt of the bystander. Men shake +hands, swear eternal friendship, and shed tears, no mortal knows why; +and the sensual creature is clearly uppermost. But the expansion of the +benigner feelings incident to opium is no febrile access, but a healthy +restoration to that state which the mind would naturally recover upon +the removal of any deep-seated irritation of pain that had disturbed +and quarrelled with the impulses of a heart originally just and good. +True it is that even wine, up to a certain point and with certain men, +rather tends to exalt and to steady the intellect; I myself, who have +never been a great wine-drinker, used to find that half-a-dozen glasses +of wine advantageously affected the faculties—brightened and +intensified the consciousness, and gave to the mind a feeling of being +“ponderibus librata suis;” and certainly it is most absurdly said, in +popular language, of any man that he is _disguised_ in liquor; for, on +the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety, and it is when they +are drinking (as some old gentleman says in Athenæus), that men εαυτους +εμφανιζουσιν οιτινες εισιν—display themselves in their true complexion +of character, which surely is not disguising themselves. But still, +wine constantly leads a man to the brink of absurdity and extravagance, +and beyond a certain point it is sure to volatilise and to disperse the +intellectual energies: whereas opium always seems to compose what had +been agitated, and to concentrate what had been distracted. In short, +to sum up all in one word, a man who is inebriated, or tending to +inebriation, is, and feels that he is, in a condition which calls up +into supremacy the merely human, too often the brutal part of his +nature; but the opium-eater (I speak of him who is not suffering from +any disease or other remote effects of opium) feels that the diviner +part of his nature is paramount; that is, the moral affections are in a +state of cloudless serenity, and over all is the great light of the +majestic intellect. + +This is the doctrine of the true church on the subject of opium: of +which church I acknowledge myself to be the only member—the alpha and +the omega: but then it is to be recollected that I speak from the +ground of a large and profound personal experience: whereas most of the +unscientific {13} authors who have at all treated of opium, and even of +those who have written expressly on the materia medica, make it +evident, from the horror they express of it, that their experimental +knowledge of its action is none at all. I will, however, candidly +acknowledge that I have met with one person who bore evidence to its +intoxicating power, such as staggered my own incredulity; for he was a +surgeon, and had himself taken opium largely. I happened to say to him +that his enemies (as I had heard) charged him with talking nonsense on +politics, and that his friends apologized for him by suggesting that he +was constantly in a state of intoxication from opium. Now the +accusation, said I, is not _prima facie_ and of necessity an absurd +one; but the defence _is_. To my surprise, however, he insisted that +both his enemies and his friends were in the right. “I will maintain,” +said he, “that I _do_ talk nonsense; and secondly, I will maintain that +I do not talk nonsense upon principle, or with any view to profit, but +solely and simply, said he, solely and simply—solely and simply +(repeating it three times over), because I am drunk with opium, and +_that_ daily.” I replied that, as to the allegation of his enemies, as +it seemed to be established upon such respectable testimony, seeing +that the three parties concerned all agree in it, it did not become me +to question it; but the defence set up I must demur to. He proceeded to +discuss the matter, and to lay down his reasons; but it seemed to me so +impolite to pursue an argument which must have presumed a man mistaken +in a point belonging to his own profession, that I did not press him +even when his course of argument seemed open to objection; not to +mention that a man who talks nonsense, even though “with no view to +profit,” is not altogether the most agreeable partner in a dispute, +whether as opponent or respondent. I confess, however, that the +authority of a surgeon, and one who was reputed a good one, may seem a +weighty one to my prejudice; but still I must plead my experience, +which was greater than his greatest by 7,000 drops a-day; and though it +was not possible to suppose a medical man unacquainted with the +characteristic symptoms of vinous intoxication, it yet struck me that +he might proceed on a logical error of using the word intoxication with +too great latitude, and extending it generically to all modes of +nervous excitement, instead of restricting it as the expression for a +specific sort of excitement connected with certain diagnostics. Some +people have maintained in my hearing that they had been drunk upon +green tea; and a medical student in London, for whose knowledge in his +profession I have reason to feel great respect, assured me the other +day that a patient in recovering from an illness had got drunk on a +beef-steak. + +Having dwelt so much on this first and leading error in respect to +opium, I shall notice very briefly a second and a third, which are, +that the elevation of spirits produced by opium is necessarily followed +by a proportionate depression, and that the natural and even immediate +consequence of opium is torpor and stagnation, animal and mental. The +first of these errors I shall content myself with simply denying; +assuring my reader that for ten years, during which I took opium at +intervals, the day succeeding to that on which I allowed myself this +luxury was always a day of unusually good spirits. + +With respect to the torpor supposed to follow, or rather (if we were to +credit the numerous pictures of Turkish opium-eaters) to accompany the +practice of opium-eating, I deny that also. Certainly opium is classed +under the head of narcotics, and some such effect it may produce in the +end; but the primary effects of opium are always, and in the highest +degree, to excite and stimulate the system. This first stage of its +action always lasted with me, during my noviciate, for upwards of eight +hours; so that it must be the fault of the opium-eater himself if he +does not so time his exhibition of the dose (to speak medically) as +that the whole weight of its narcotic influence may descend upon his +sleep. Turkish opium-eaters, it seems, are absurd enough to sit, like +so many equestrian statues, on logs of wood as stupid as themselves. +But that the reader may judge of the degree in which opium is likely to +stupefy the faculties of an Englishman, I shall (by way of treating the +question illustratively, rather than argumentatively) describe the way +in which I myself often passed an opium evening in London during the +period between 1804-1812. It will be seen that at least opium did not +move me to seek solitude, and much less to seek inactivity, or the +torpid state of self-involution ascribed to the Turks. I give this +account at the risk of being pronounced a crazy enthusiast or +visionary; but I regard _that_ little. I must desire my reader to bear +in mind that I was a hard student, and at severe studies for all the +rest of my time; and certainly I had a right occasionally to +relaxations as well as other people. These, however, I allowed myself +but seldom. + +The late Duke of —— used to say, “Next Friday, by the blessing of +heaven, I purpose to be drunk;” and in like manner I used to fix +beforehand how often within a given time, and when, I would commit a +debauch of opium. This was seldom more than once in three weeks, for at +that time I could not have ventured to call every day, as I did +afterwards, for “_a glass of laudanum negus, warm, and without sugar_.” +No, as I have said, I seldom drank laudanum, at that time, more than +once in three weeks: This was usually on a Tuesday or a Saturday night; +my reason for which was this. In those days Grassini sang at the Opera, +and her voice was delightful to me beyond all that I had ever heard. I +know not what may be the state of the Opera-house now, having never +been within its walls for seven or eight years, but at that time it was +by much the most pleasant place of public resort in London for passing +an evening. Five shillings admitted one to the gallery, which was +subject to far less annoyance than the pit of the theatres; the +orchestra was distinguished by its sweet and melodious grandeur from +all English orchestras, the composition of which, I confess, is not +acceptable to my ear, from the predominance of the clamorous +instruments and the absolute tyranny of the violin. The choruses were +divine to hear, and when Grassini appeared in some interlude, as she +often did, and poured forth her passionate soul as Andromache at the +tomb of Hector, &c., I question whether any Turk, of all that ever +entered the Paradise of Opium-eaters, can have had half the pleasure I +had. But, indeed, I honour the barbarians too much by supposing them +capable of any pleasures approaching to the intellectual ones of an +Englishman. For music is an intellectual or a sensual pleasure +according to the temperament of him who hears it. And, by-the-bye, with +the exception of the fine extravaganza on that subject in “Twelfth +Night,” I do not recollect more than one thing said adequately on the +subject of music in all literature; it is a passage in the _Religio +Medici_ {14} of Sir T. Brown, and though chiefly remarkable for its +sublimity, has also a philosophic value, inasmuch as it points to the +true theory of musical effects. The mistake of most people is to +suppose that it is by the ear they communicate with music, and +therefore that they are purely passive to its effects. But this is not +so; it is by the reaction of the mind upon the notices of the ear (the +_matter_ coming by the senses, the _form_ from the mind) that the +pleasure is constructed, and therefore it is that people of equally +good ear differ so much in this point from one another. Now, opium, by +greatly increasing the activity of the mind, generally increases, of +necessity, that particular mode of its activity by which we are able to +construct out of the raw material of organic sound an elaborate +intellectual pleasure. But, says a friend, a succession of musical +sounds is to me like a collection of Arabic characters; I can attach no +ideas to them. Ideas! my good sir? There is no occasion for them; all +that class of ideas which can be available in such a case has a +language of representative feelings. But this is a subject foreign to +my present purposes; it is sufficient to say that a chorus, &c., of +elaborate harmony displayed before me, as in a piece of arras work, the +whole of my past life—not as if recalled by an act of memory, but as if +present and incarnated in the music; no longer painful to dwell upon; +but the detail of its incidents removed or blended in some hazy +abstraction, and its passions exalted, spiritualized, and sublimed. All +this was to be had for five shillings. And over and above the music of +the stage and the orchestra, I had all around me, in the intervals of +the performance, the music of the Italian language talked by Italian +women—for the gallery was usually crowded with Italians—and I listened +with a pleasure such as that with which Weld the traveller lay and +listened, in Canada, to the sweet laughter of Indian women; for the +less you understand of a language, the more sensible you are to the +melody or harshness of its sounds. For such a purpose, therefore, it +was an advantage to me that I was a poor Italian scholar, reading it +but little, and not speaking it at all, nor understanding a tenth part +of what I heard spoken. + +These were my opera pleasures; but another pleasure I had which, as it +could be had only on a Saturday night, occasionally struggled with my +love of the Opera; for at that time Tuesday and Saturday were the +regular opera nights. On this subject I am afraid I shall be rather +obscure, but I can assure the reader not at all more so than Marinus in +his Life of Proclus, or many other biographers and autobiographers of +fair reputation. This pleasure, I have said, was to be had only on a +Saturday night. What, then, was Saturday night to me more than any +other night? I had no labours that I rested from, no wages to receive; +what needed I to care for Saturday night, more than as it was a summons +to hear Grassini? True, most logical reader; what you say is +unanswerable. And yet so it was and is, that whereas different men +throw their feelings into different channels, and most are apt to show +their interest in the concerns of the poor chiefly by sympathy, +expressed in some shape or other, with their distresses and sorrows, I +at that time was disposed to express my interest by sympathising with +their pleasures. The pains of poverty I had lately seen too much of, +more than I wished to remember; but the pleasures of the poor, their +consolations of spirit, and their reposes from bodily toil, can never +become oppressive to contemplate. Now Saturday night is the season for +the chief, regular, and periodic return of rest of the poor; in this +point the most hostile sects unite, and acknowledge a common link of +brotherhood; almost all Christendom rests from its labours. It is a +rest introductory to another rest, and divided by a whole day and two +nights from the renewal of toil. On this account I feel always, on a +Saturday night, as though I also were released from some yoke of +labour, had some wages to receive, and some luxury of repose to enjoy. +For the sake, therefore, of witnessing, upon as large a scale as +possible, a spectacle with which my sympathy was so entire, I used +often on Saturday nights, after I had taken opium, to wander forth, +without much regarding the direction or the distance, to all the +markets and other parts of London to which the poor resort of a +Saturday night, for laying out their wages. Many a family party, +consisting of a man, his wife, and sometimes one or two of his +children, have I listened to, as they stood consulting on their ways +and means, or the strength of their exchequer, or the price of +household articles. Gradually I became familiar with their wishes, +their difficulties, and their opinions. Sometimes there might be heard +murmurs of discontent, but far oftener expressions on the countenance, +or uttered in words, of patience, hope, and tranquillity. And taken +generally, I must say that, in this point at least, the poor are more +philosophic than the rich—that they show a more ready and cheerful +submission to what they consider as irremediable evils or irreparable +losses. Whenever I saw occasion, or could do it without appearing to be +intrusive, I joined their parties, and gave my opinion upon the matter +in discussion, which, if not always judicious, was always received +indulgently. If wages were a little higher or expected to be so, or the +quartern loaf a little lower, or it was reported that onions and butter +were expected to fall, I was glad; yet, if the contrary were true, I +drew from opium some means of consoling myself. For opium (like the +bee, that extracts its materials indiscriminately from roses and from +the soot of chimneys) can overrule all feelings into compliance with +the master-key. Some of these rambles led me to great distances, for an +opium-eater is too happy to observe the motion of time; and sometimes +in my attempts to steer homewards, upon nautical principles, by fixing +my eye on the pole-star, and seeking ambitiously for a north-west +passage, instead of circumnavigating all the capes and head-lands I had +doubled in my outward voyage, I came suddenly upon such knotty problems +of alleys, such enigmatical entries, and such sphynx’s riddles of +streets without thoroughfares, as must, I conceive, baffle the audacity +of porters and confound the intellects of hackney-coachmen. I could +almost have believed at times that I must be the first discoverer of +some of these _terræ incognitæ_, and doubted whether they had yet been +laid down in the modern charts of London. For all this, however, I paid +a heavy price in distant years, when the human face tyrannised over my +dreams, and the perplexities of my steps in London came back and +haunted my sleep, with the feeling of perplexities, moral and +intellectual, that brought confusion to the reason, or anguish and +remorse to the conscience. + +Thus I have shown that opium does not of necessity produce inactivity +or torpor, but that, on the contrary, it often led me into markets and +theatres. Yet, in candour, I will admit that markets and theatres are +not the appropriate haunts of the opium-eater when in the divinest +state incident to his enjoyment. In that state, crowds become an +oppression to him; music even, too sensual and gross. He naturally +seeks solitude and silence, as indispensable conditions of those +trances, or profoundest reveries, which are the crown and consummation +of what opium can do for human nature. I, whose disease it was to +meditate too much and to observe too little, and who upon my first +entrance at college was nearly falling into a deep melancholy, from +brooding too much on the sufferings which I had witnessed in London, +was sufficiently aware of the tendencies of my own thoughts to do all I +could to counteract them. I was, indeed, like a person who, according +to the old legend, had entered the cave of Trophonius; and the remedies +I sought were to force myself into society, and to keep my +understanding in continual activity upon matters of science. But for +these remedies I should certainly have become hypochondriacally +melancholy. In after years, however, when my cheerfulness was more +fully re-established, I yielded to my natural inclination for a +solitary life. And at that time I often fell into these reveries upon +taking opium; and more than once it has happened to me, on a summer +night, when I have been at an open window, in a room from which I could +overlook the sea at a mile below me, and could command a view of the +great town of L——, at about the same distance, that I have sate from +sunset to sunrise, motionless, and without wishing to move. + +I shall be charged with mysticism, Behmenism, quietism, &c., but _that_ +shall not alarm me. Sir H. Vane, the younger, was one of our wisest +men; and let my reader see if he, in his philosophical works, be half +as unmystical as I am. I say, then, that it has often struck me that +the scene itself was somewhat typical of what took place in such a +reverie. The town of L—— represented the earth, with its sorrows and +its graves left behind, yet not out of sight, nor wholly forgotten. The +ocean, in everlasting but gentle agitation, and brooded over by a +dove-like calm, might not unfitly typify the mind and the mood which +then swayed it. For it seemed to me as if then first I stood at a +distance and aloof from the uproar of life; as if the tumult, the +fever, and the strife were suspended; a respite granted from the secret +burthens of the heart; a sabbath of repose; a resting from human +labours. Here were the hopes which blossom in the paths of life +reconciled with the peace which is in the grave; motions of the +intellect as unwearied as the heavens, yet for all anxieties a halcyon +calm; a tranquillity that seemed no product of inertia, but as if +resulting from mighty and equal antagonisms; infinite activities, +infinite repose. + +Oh, just, subtle, and mighty opium! that to the hearts of poor and rich +alike, for the wounds that will never heal, and for “the pangs that +tempt the spirit to rebel,” bringest an assuaging balm; eloquent opium! +that with thy potent rhetoric stealest away the purposes of wrath; and +to the guilty man for one night givest back the hopes of his youth, and +hands washed pure from blood; and to the proud man a brief oblivion for +“Wrongs undress’d and insults unavenged;” that summonest to the +chancery of dreams, for the triumphs of suffering innocence, false +witnesses; and confoundest perjury, and dost reverse the sentences of +unrighteous judges;—thou buildest upon the bosom of darkness, out of +the fantastic imagery of the brain, cities and temples beyond the art +of Phidias and Praxiteles—beyond the splendour of Babylon and +Hekatómpylos, and “from the anarchy of dreaming sleep” callest into +sunny light the faces of long-buried beauties and the blessed household +countenances cleansed from the “dishonours of the grave.” Thou only +givest these gifts to man; and thou hast the keys of Paradise, oh, +just, subtle, and mighty opium! + + + + +INTRODUCTION TO THE PAINS OF OPIUM + + +Courteous, and I hope indulgent, reader (for all _my_ readers must be +indulgent ones, or else I fear I shall shock them too much to count on +their courtesy), having accompanied me thus far, now let me request you +to move onwards for about eight years; that is to say, from 1804 (when +I have said that my acquaintance with opium first began) to 1812. The +years of academic life are now over and gone—almost forgotten; the +student’s cap no longer presses my temples; if my cap exist at all, it +presses those of some youthful scholar, I trust, as happy as myself, +and as passionate a lover of knowledge. My gown is by this time, I dare +say, in the same condition with many thousand excellent books in the +Bodleian, viz., diligently perused by certain studious moths and worms; +or departed, however (which is all that I know of his fate), to that +great reservoir of _somewhere_ to which all the tea-cups, tea-caddies, +tea-pots, tea-kettles, &c., have departed (not to speak of still +frailer vessels, such as glasses, decanters, bed-makers, &c.), which +occasional resemblances in the present generation of tea-cups, &c., +remind me of having once possessed, but of whose departure and final +fate I, in common with most gownsmen of either university, could give, +I suspect, but an obscure and conjectural history. The persecutions of +the chapel-bell, sounding its unwelcome summons to six o’clock matins, +interrupts my slumbers no longer, the porter who rang it, upon whose +beautiful nose (bronze, inlaid with copper) I wrote, in retaliation so +many Greek epigrams whilst I was dressing, is dead, and has ceased to +disturb anybody; and I, and many others who suffered much from his +tintinnabulous propensities, have now agreed to overlook his errors, +and have forgiven him. Even with the bell I am now in charity; it +rings, I suppose, as formerly, thrice a-day, and cruelly annoys, I +doubt not, many worthy gentlemen, and disturbs their peace of mind; but +as to me, in this year 1812, I regard its treacherous voice no longer +(treacherous I call it, for, by some refinement of malice, it spoke in +as sweet and silvery tones as if it had been inviting one to a party); +its tones have no longer, indeed, power to reach me, let the wind sit +as favourable as the malice of the bell itself could wish, for I am 250 +miles away from it, and buried in the depth of mountains. And what am I +doing among the mountains? Taking opium. Yes; but what else? Why +reader, in 1812, the year we are now arrived at, as well as for some +years previous, I have been chiefly studying German metaphysics in the +writings of Kant, Fichte, Schelling, &c. And how and in what manner do +I live?—in short, what class or description of men do I belong to? I am +at this period—viz. in 1812—living in a cottage and with a single +female servant (_honi soit qui mal y pense_), who amongst my neighbours +passes by the name of my “housekeeper.” And as a scholar and a man of +learned education, and in that sense a gentleman, I may presume to +class myself as an unworthy member of that indefinite body called +_gentlemen_. Partly on the ground I have assigned perhaps, partly +because from my having no visible calling or business, it is rightly +judged that I must be living on my private fortune; I am so classed by +my neighbours; and by the courtesy of modern England I am usually +addressed on letters, &c., “Esquire,” though having, I fear, in the +rigorous construction of heralds, but slender pretensions to that +distinguished honour; yet in popular estimation I am X. Y. Z., Esquire, +but not justice of the Peace nor Custos Rotulorum. Am I married? Not +yet. And I still take opium? On Saturday nights. And perhaps have taken +it unblushingly ever since “the rainy Sunday,” and “the stately +Pantheon,” and “the beatific druggist” of 1804? Even so. And how do I +find my health after all this opium-eating? In short, how do I do? Why, +pretty well, I thank you, reader; in the phrase of ladies in the straw, +“as well as can be expected.” In fact, if I dared to say the real and +simple truth, though, to satisfy the theories of medical men, I _ought_ +to be ill, I never was better in my life than in the spring of 1812; +and I hope sincerely that the quantity of claret, port, or “particular +Madeira,” which in all probability you, good reader, have taken, and +design to take for every term of eight years during your natural life, +may as little disorder your health as mine was disordered by the opium +I had taken for eight years, between 1804 and 1812. Hence you may see +again the danger of taking any medical advice from _Anastasius_; in +divinity, for aught I know, or law, he may be a safe counsellor; but +not in medicine. No; it is far better to consult Dr. Buchan, as I did; +for I never forgot that worthy man’s excellent suggestion, and I was +“particularly careful not to take above five-and-twenty ounces of +laudanum.” To this moderation and temperate use of the article I may +ascribe it, I suppose, that as yet, at least (_i.e_. in 1812), I am +ignorant and unsuspicious of the avenging terrors which opium has in +store for those who abuse its lenity. At the same time, it must not be +forgotten that hitherto I have been only a dilettante eater of opium; +eight years’ practice even, with a single precaution of allowing +sufficient intervals between every indulgence, has not been sufficient +to make opium necessary to me as an article of daily diet. But now +comes a different era. Move on, if you please, reader, to 1813. In the +summer of the year we have just quitted I have suffered much in bodily +health from distress of mind connected with a very melancholy event. +This event being no ways related to the subject now before me, further +than through the bodily illness which it produced, I need not more +particularly notice. Whether this illness of 1812 had any share in that +of 1813 I know not; but so it was, that in the latter year I was +attacked by a most appalling irritation of the stomach, in all respects +the same as that which had caused me so much suffering in youth, and +accompanied by a revival of all the old dreams. This is the point of my +narrative on which, as respects my own self-justification, the whole of +what follows may be said to hinge. And here I find myself in a +perplexing dilemma. Either, on the one hand, I must exhaust the +reader’s patience by such a detail of my malady, or of my struggles +with it, as might suffice to establish the fact of my inability to +wrestle any longer with irritation and constant suffering; or, on the +other hand, by passing lightly over this critical part of my story, I +must forego the benefit of a stronger impression left on the mind of +the reader, and must lay myself open to the misconstruction of having +slipped, by the easy and gradual steps of self-indulging persons, from +the first to the final stage of opium-eating (a misconstruction to +which there will be a lurking predisposition in most readers, from my +previous acknowledgements). This is the dilemma, the first horn of +which would be sufficient to toss and gore any column of patient +readers, though drawn up sixteen deep and constantly relieved by fresh +men; consequently that is not to be thought of. It remains, then, that +I _postulate_ so much as is necessary for my purpose. And let me take +as full credit for what I postulate as if I had demonstrated it, good +reader, at the expense of your patience and my own. Be not so +ungenerous as to let me suffer in your good opinion through my own +forbearance and regard for your comfort. No; believe all that I ask of +you—viz., that I could resist no longer; believe it liberally and as an +act of grace, or else in mere prudence; for if not, then in the next +edition of my Opium Confessions, revised and enlarged, I will make you +believe and tremble; and _à force d’ennuyer_, by mere dint of +pandiculation I will terrify all readers of mine from ever again +questioning any postulate that I shall think fit to make. + +This, then, let me repeat, I postulate—that at the time I began to take +opium daily I could not have done otherwise. Whether, indeed, +afterwards I might not have succeeded in breaking off the habit, even +when it seemed to me that all efforts would be unavailing, and whether +many of the innumerable efforts which I did make might not have been +carried much further, and my gradual reconquests of ground lost might +not have been followed up much more energetically—these are questions +which I must decline. Perhaps I might make out a case of palliation; +but shall I speak ingenuously? I confess it, as a besetting infirmity +of mine, that I am too much of an Eudæmonist; I hanker too much after a +state of happiness, both for myself and others; I cannot face misery, +whether my own or not, with an eye of sufficient firmness, and am +little capable of encountering present pain for the sake of any +reversionary benefit. On some other matters I can agree with the +gentlemen in the cotton trade {15} at Manchester in affecting the Stoic +philosophy, but not in this. Here I take the liberty of an Eclectic +philosopher, and I look out for some courteous and considerate sect +that will condescend more to the infirm condition of an opium-eater; +that are “sweet men,” as Chaucer says, “to give absolution,” and will +show some conscience in the penances they inflict, and the efforts of +abstinence they exact from poor sinners like myself. An inhuman +moralist I can no more endure in my nervous state than opium that has +not been boiled. At any rate, he who summons me to send out a large +freight of self-denial and mortification upon any cruising voyage of +moral improvement, must make it clear to my understanding that the +concern is a hopeful one. At my time of life (six-and-thirty years of +age) it cannot be supposed that I have much energy to spare; in fact, I +find it all little enough for the intellectual labours I have on my +hands, and therefore let no man expect to frighten me by a few hard +words into embarking any part of it upon desperate adventures of +morality. + +Whether desperate or not, however, the issue of the struggle in 1813 +was what I have mentioned, and from this date the reader is to consider +me as a regular and confirmed opium-eater, of whom to ask whether on +any particular day he had or had not taken opium, would be to ask +whether his lungs had performed respiration, or the heart fulfilled its +functions. You understand now, reader, what I am, and you are by this +time aware that no old gentleman “with a snow-white beard” will have +any chance of persuading me to surrender “the little golden receptacle +of the pernicious drug.” No; I give notice to all, whether moralists or +surgeons, that whatever be their pretensions and skill in their +respective lines of practice, they must not hope for any countenance +from me, if they think to begin by any savage proposition for a Lent or +a Ramadan of abstinence from opium. This, then, being all fully +understood between us, we shall in future sail before the wind. Now +then, reader, from 1813, where all this time we have been sitting down +and loitering, rise up, if you please, and walk forward about three +years more. Now draw up the curtain, and you shall see me in a new +character. + +If any man, poor or rich, were to say that he would tell us what had +been the happiest day in his life, and the why and the wherefore, I +suppose that we should all cry out—Hear him! Hear him! As to the +happiest _day_, that must be very difficult for any wise man to name, +because any event that could occupy so distinguished a place in a man’s +retrospect of his life, or be entitled to have shed a special felicity +on any one day, ought to be of such an enduring character as that +(accidents apart) it should have continued to shed the same felicity, +or one not distinguishably less, on many years together. To the +happiest _lustrum_, however, or even to the happiest _year_, it may be +allowed to any man to point without discountenance from wisdom. This +year, in my case, reader, was the one which we have now reached; though +it stood, I confess, as a parenthesis between years of a gloomier +character. It was a year of brilliant water (to speak after the manner +of jewellers), set as it were, and insulated, in the gloom and cloudy +melancholy of opium. Strange as it may sound, I had a little before +this time descended suddenly, and without any considerable effort, from +320 grains of opium (_i.e_. eight {16} thousand drops of laudanum) per +day, to forty grains, or one-eighth part. Instantaneously, and as if by +magic, the cloud of profoundest melancholy which rested upon my brain, +like some black vapours that I have seen roll away from the summits of +mountains, drew off in one day (νυχθημερον); passed off with its murky +banners as simultaneously as a ship that has been stranded, and is +floated off by a spring tide— + +That moveth altogether, if it move at all. + + +Now, then, I was again happy; I now took only 1000 drops of laudanum +per day; and what was that? A latter spring had come to close up the +season of youth; my brain performed its functions as healthily as ever +before; I read Kant again, and again I understood him, or fancied that +I did. Again my feelings of pleasure expanded themselves to all around +me; and if any man from Oxford or Cambridge, or from neither, had been +announced to me in my unpretending cottage, I should have welcomed him +with as sumptuous a reception as so poor a man could offer. Whatever +else was wanting to a wise man’s happiness, of laudanum I would have +given him as much as he wished, and in a golden cup. And, by the way, +now that I speak of giving laudanum away, I remember about this time a +little incident, which I mention because, trifling as it was, the +reader will soon meet it again in my dreams, which it influenced more +fearfully than could be imagined. One day a Malay knocked at my door. +What business a Malay could have to transact amongst English mountains +I cannot conjecture; but possibly he was on his road to a seaport about +forty miles distant. + +The servant who opened the door to him was a young girl, born and bred +amongst the mountains, who had never seen an Asiatic dress of any sort; +his turban therefore confounded her not a little; and as it turned out +that his attainments in English were exactly of the same extent as hers +in the Malay, there seemed to be an impassable gulf fixed between all +communication of ideas, if either party had happened to possess any. In +this dilemma, the girl, recollecting the reputed learning of her master +(and doubtless giving me credit for a knowledge of all the languages of +the earth besides perhaps a few of the lunar ones), came and gave me to +understand that there was a sort of demon below, whom she clearly +imagined that my art could exorcise from the house. I did not +immediately go down, but when I did, the group which presented itself, +arranged as it was by accident, though not very elaborate, took hold of +my fancy and my eye in a way that none of the statuesque attitudes +exhibited in the ballets at the Opera-house, though so ostentatiously +complex, had ever done. In a cottage kitchen, but panelled on the wall +with dark wood that from age and rubbing resembled oak, and looking +more like a rustic hall of entrance than a kitchen, stood the Malay—his +turban and loose trousers of dingy white relieved upon the dark +panelling. He had placed himself nearer to the girl than she seemed to +relish, though her native spirit of mountain intrepidity contended with +the feeling of simple awe which her countenance expressed as she gazed +upon the tiger-cat before her. And a more striking picture there could +not be imagined than the beautiful English face of the girl, and its +exquisite fairness, together with her erect and independent attitude, +contrasted with the sallow and bilious skin of the Malay, enamelled or +veneered with mahogany by marine air, his small, fierce, restless eyes, +thin lips, slavish gestures and adorations. Half-hidden by the +ferocious-looking Malay was a little child from a neighbouring cottage +who had crept in after him, and was now in the act of reverting its +head and gazing upwards at the turban and the fiery eyes beneath it, +whilst with one hand he caught at the dress of the young woman for +protection. My knowledge of the Oriental tongues is not remarkably +extensive, being indeed confined to two words—the Arabic word for +barley and the Turkish for opium (madjoon), which I have learned from +_Anastasius_; and as I had neither a Malay dictionary nor even +Adelung’s _Mithridates_, which might have helped me to a few words, I +addressed him in some lines from the Iliad, considering that, of such +languages as I possessed, Greek, in point of longitude, came +geographically nearest to an Oriental one. He worshipped me in a most +devout manner, and replied in what I suppose was Malay. In this way I +saved my reputation with my neighbours, for the Malay had no means of +betraying the secret. He lay down upon the floor for about an hour, and +then pursued his journey. On his departure I presented him with a piece +of opium. To him, as an Orientalist, I concluded that opium must be +familiar; and the expression of his face convinced me that it was. +Nevertheless, I was struck with some little consternation when I saw +him suddenly raise his hand to his mouth, and, to use the schoolboy +phrase, bolt the whole, divided into three pieces, at one mouthful. The +quantity was enough to kill three dragoons and their horses, and I felt +some alarm for the poor creature; but what could be done? I had given +him the opium in compassion for his solitary life, on recollecting that +if he had travelled on foot from London it must be nearly three weeks +since he could have exchanged a thought with any human being. I could +not think of violating the laws of hospitality by having him seized and +drenched with an emetic, and thus frightening him into a notion that we +were going to sacrifice him to some English idol. No: there was clearly +no help for it. He took his leave, and for some days I felt anxious, +but as I never heard of any Malay being found dead, I became convinced +that he was used {17} to opium; and that I must have done him the +service I designed by giving him one night of respite from the pains of +wandering. + +This incident I have digressed to mention, because this Malay (partly +from the picturesque exhibition he assisted to frame, partly from the +anxiety I connected with his image for some days) fastened afterwards +upon my dreams, and brought other Malays with him, worse than himself, +that ran “a-muck” {18} at me, and led me into a world of troubles. But +to quit this episode, and to return to my intercalary year of +happiness. I have said already, that on a subject so important to us +all as happiness, we should listen with pleasure to any man’s +experience or experiments, even though he were but a plough-boy, who +cannot be supposed to have ploughed very deep into such an intractable +soil as that of human pains and pleasures, or to have conducted his +researches upon any very enlightened principles. But I who have taken +happiness both in a solid and liquid shape, both boiled and unboiled, +both East India and Turkey—who have conducted my experiments upon this +interesting subject with a sort of galvanic battery, and have, for the +general benefit of the world, inoculated myself, as it were, with the +poison of 8000 drops of laudanum per day (just for the same reason as a +French surgeon inoculated himself lately with cancer, an English one +twenty years ago with plague, and a third, I know not of what nation, +with hydrophobia), I (it will be admitted) must surely know what +happiness is, if anybody does. And therefore I will here lay down an +analysis of happiness; and as the most interesting mode of +communicating it, I will give it, not didactically, but wrapped up and +involved in a picture of one evening, as I spent every evening during +the intercalary year when laudanum, though taken daily, was to me no +more than the elixir of pleasure. This done, I shall quit the subject +of happiness altogether, and pass to a very different one—_the pains of +opium_. + +Let there be a cottage standing in a valley, eighteen miles from any +town—no spacious valley, but about two miles long by three-quarters of +a mile in average width; the benefit of which provision is that all the +family resident within its circuit will compose, as it were, one larger +household, personally familiar to your eye, and more or less +interesting to your affections. Let the mountains be real mountains, +between 3,000 and 4,000 feet high, and the cottage a real cottage, not +(as a witty author has it) “a cottage with a double coach-house;” let +it be, in fact (for I must abide by the actual scene), a white cottage, +embowered with flowering shrubs, so chosen as to unfold a succession of +flowers upon the walls and clustering round the windows through all the +months of spring, summer, and autumn—beginning, in fact, with May +roses, and ending with jasmine. Let it, however, _not_ be spring, nor +summer, nor autumn, but winter in his sternest shape. This is a most +important point in the science of happiness. And I am surprised to see +people overlook it, and think it matter of congratulation that winter +is going, or, if coming, is not likely to be a severe one. On the +contrary, I put up a petition annually for as much snow, hail, frost, +or storm, of one kind or other, as the skies can possibly afford us. +Surely everybody is aware of the divine pleasures which attend a winter +fireside, candles at four o’clock, warm hearth-rugs, tea, a fair +tea-maker, shutters closed, curtains flowing in ample draperies on the +floor, whilst the wind and rain are raging audibly without, + +And at the doors and windows seem to call, +As heav’n and earth they would together mell; +Yet the least entrance find they none at all; +Whence sweeter grows our rest secure in massy hall. + + +_Castle of Indolence_. + + +All these are items in the description of a winter evening which must +surely be familiar to everybody born in a high latitude. And it is +evident that most of these delicacies, like ice-cream, require a very +low temperature of the atmosphere to produce them; they are fruits +which cannot be ripened without weather stormy or inclement in some way +or other. I am not “_particular_,” as people say, whether it be snow, +or black frost, or wind so strong that (as Mr. —— says) “you may lean +your back against it like a post.” I can put up even with rain, +provided it rains cats and dogs; but something of the sort I must have, +and if I have it not, I think myself in a manner ill-used; for why am I +called on to pay so heavily for winter, in coals and candles, and +various privations that will occur even to gentlemen, if I am not to +have the article good of its kind? No, a Canadian winter for my money, +or a Russian one, where every man is but a co-proprietor with the north +wind in the fee-simple of his own ears. Indeed, so great an epicure am +I in this matter that I cannot relish a winter night fully if it be +much past St. Thomas’s day, and have degenerated into disgusting +tendencies to vernal appearances. No, it must be divided by a thick +wall of dark nights from all return of light and sunshine. From the +latter weeks of October to Christmas Eve, therefore, is the period +during which happiness is in season, which, in my judgment, enters the +room with the tea-tray; for tea, though ridiculed by those who are +naturally of coarse nerves, or are become so from wine-drinking, and +are not susceptible of influence from so refined a stimulant, will +always be the favourite beverage of the intellectual; and, for my part, +I would have joined Dr. Johnson in a _bellum internecinum_ against +Jonas Hanway, or any other impious person, who should presume to +disparage it. But here, to save myself the trouble of too much verbal +description, I will introduce a painter, and give him directions for +the rest of the picture. Painters do not like white cottages, unless a +good deal weather-stained; but as the reader now understands that it is +a winter night, his services will not be required except for the inside +of the house. + +Paint me, then, a room seventeen feet by twelve, and not more than +seven and a half feet high. This, reader, is somewhat ambitiously +styled in my family the drawing-room; but being contrived “a double +debt to pay,” it is also, and more justly, termed the library, for it +happens that books are the only article of property in which I am +richer than my neighbours. Of these I have about five thousand, +collected gradually since my eighteenth year. Therefore, painter, put +as many as you can into this room. Make it populous with books, and, +furthermore, paint me a good fire, and furniture plain and modest, +befitting the unpretending cottage of a scholar. And near the fire +paint me a tea-table, and (as it is clear that no creature can come to +see one such a stormy night) place only two cups and saucers on the +tea-tray; and, if you know how to paint such a thing symbolically or +otherwise, paint me an eternal tea-pot—eternal _à parte ante_ and _à +parte post_—for I usually drink tea from eight o’clock at night to four +o’clock in the morning. And as it is very unpleasant to make tea or to +pour it out for oneself, paint me a lovely young woman sitting at the +table. Paint her arms like Aurora’s and her smiles like Hebe’s. But no, +dear M., not even in jest let me insinuate that thy power to illuminate +my cottage rests upon a tenure so perishable as mere personal beauty, +or that the witchcraft of angelic smiles lies within the empire of any +earthly pencil. Pass then, my good painter, to something more within +its power; and the next article brought forward should naturally be +myself—a picture of the Opium-eater, with his “little golden receptacle +of the pernicious drug” lying beside him on the table. As to the opium, +I have no objection to see a picture of _that_, though I would rather +see the original. You may paint it if you choose, but I apprise you +that no “little” receptacle would, even in 1816, answer _my_ purpose, +who was at a distance from the “stately Pantheon,” and all druggists +(mortal or otherwise). No, you may as well paint the real receptacle, +which was not of gold, but of glass, and as much like a wine-decanter +as possible. Into this you may put a quart of ruby-coloured laudanum; +that, and a book of German Metaphysics placed by its side, will +sufficiently attest my being in the neighbourhood. But as to +myself—there I demur. I admit that, naturally, I ought to occupy the +foreground of the picture; that being the hero of the piece, or (if you +choose) the criminal at the bar, my body should be had into court. This +seems reasonable; but why should I confess on this point to a painter? +or why confess at all? If the public (into whose private ear I am +confidentially whispering my confessions, and not into any painter’s) +should chance to have framed some agreeable picture for itself of the +Opium-eater’s exterior, should have ascribed to him, romantically an +elegant person or a handsome face, why should I barbarously tear from +it so pleasing a delusion—pleasing both to the public and to me? No; +paint me, if at all, according to your own fancy, and as a painter’s +fancy should teem with beautiful creations, I cannot fail in that way +to be a gainer. And now, reader, we have run through all the ten +categories of my condition as it stood about 1816-17, up to the middle +of which latter year I judge myself to have been a happy man, and the +elements of that happiness I have endeavoured to place before you in +the above sketch of the interior of a scholar’s library, in a cottage +among the mountains, on a stormy winter evening. + +But now, farewell—a long farewell—to happiness, winter or summer! +Farewell to smiles and laughter! Farewell to peace of mind! Farewell to +hope and to tranquil dreams, and to the blessed consolations of sleep. +For more than three years and a half I am summoned away from these. I +am now arrived at an Iliad of woes, for I have now to record + +THE PAINS OF OPIUM + +—as when some great painter dips +His pencil in the gloom of earthquake and eclipse. + + +SHELLEY’S _Revolt of Islam_. + + +Reader, who have thus far accompanied me, I must request your attention +to a brief explanatory note on three points: + +1. For several reasons I have not been able to compose the notes for +this part of my narrative into any regular and connected shape. I give +the notes disjointed as I find them, or have now drawn them up from +memory. Some of them point to their own date, some I have dated, and +some are undated. Whenever it could answer my purpose to transplant +them from the natural or chronological order, I have not scrupled to do +so. Sometimes I speak in the present, sometimes in the past tense. Few +of the notes, perhaps, were written exactly at the period of time to +which they relate; but this can little affect their accuracy, as the +impressions were such that they can never fade from my mind. Much has +been omitted. I could not, without effort, constrain myself to the task +of either recalling, or constructing into a regular narrative, the +whole burthen of horrors which lies upon my brain. This feeling partly +I plead in excuse, and partly that I am now in London, and am a +helpless sort of person, who cannot even arrange his own papers without +assistance; and I am separated from the hands which are wont to perform +for me the offices of an amanuensis. + +2. You will think perhaps that I am too confidential and communicative +of my own private history. It may be so. But my way of writing is +rather to think aloud, and follow my own humours, than much to consider +who is listening to me; and if I stop to consider what is proper to be +said to this or that person, I shall soon come to doubt whether any +part at all is proper. The fact is, I place myself at a distance of +fifteen or twenty years ahead of this time, and suppose myself writing +to those who will be interested about me hereafter; and wishing to have +some record of time, the entire history of which no one can know but +myself, I do it as fully as I am able with the efforts I am now capable +of making, because I know not whether I can ever find time to do it +again. + +3. It will occur to you often to ask, why did I not release myself from +the horrors of opium by leaving it off or diminishing it? To this I +must answer briefly: it might be supposed that I yielded to the +fascinations of opium too easily; it cannot be supposed that any man +can be charmed by its terrors. The reader may be sure, therefore, that +I made attempts innumerable to reduce the quantity. I add, that those +who witnessed the agonies of those attempts, and not myself, were the +first to beg me to desist. But could not have I reduced it a drop a +day, or, by adding water, have bisected or trisected a drop? A thousand +drops bisected would thus have taken nearly six years to reduce, and +that way would certainly not have answered. But this is a common +mistake of those who know nothing of opium experimentally; I appeal to +those who do, whether it is not always found that down to a certain +point it can be reduced with ease and even pleasure, but that after +that point further reduction causes intense suffering. Yes, say many +thoughtless persons, who know not what they are talking of, you will +suffer a little low spirits and dejection for a few days. I answer, no; +there is nothing like low spirits; on the contrary, the mere animal +spirits are uncommonly raised: the pulse is improved: the health is +better. It is not there that the suffering lies. It has no resemblance +to the sufferings caused by renouncing wine. It is a state of +unutterable irritation of stomach (which surely is not much like +dejection), accompanied by intense perspirations, and feelings such as +I shall not attempt to describe without more space at my command. + +I shall now enter _in medias res_, and shall anticipate, from a time +when my opium pains might be said to be at their _acmé_, an account of +their palsying effects on the intellectual faculties. + + +My studies have now been long interrupted. I cannot read to myself with +any pleasure, hardly with a moment’s endurance. Yet I read aloud +sometimes for the pleasure of others, because reading is an +accomplishment of mine, and, in the slang use of the word +“accomplishment” as a superficial and ornamental attainment, almost the +only one I possess; and formerly, if I had any vanity at all connected +with any endowment or attainment of mine, it was with this, for I had +observed that no accomplishment was so rare. Players are the worst +readers of all: —— reads vilely; and Mrs. ——, who is so celebrated, can +read nothing well but dramatic compositions: Milton she cannot read +sufferably. People in general either read poetry without any passion at +all, or else overstep the modesty of nature, and read not like +scholars. Of late, if I have felt moved by anything it has been by the +grand lamentations of Samson Agonistes, or the great harmonies of the +Satanic speeches in Paradise Regained, when read aloud by myself. A +young lady sometimes comes and drinks tea with us: at her request and +M.’s, I now and then read W-’s poems to them. (W., by-the-bye is the +only poet I ever met who could read his own verses: often indeed he +reads admirably.) + +For nearly two years I believe that I read no book, but one; and I owe +it to the author, in discharge of a great debt of gratitude, to mention +what that was. The sublimer and more passionate poets I still read, as +I have said, by snatches, and occasionally. But my proper vocation, as +I well know, was the exercise of the analytic understanding. Now, for +the most part analytic studies are continuous, and not to be pursued by +fits and starts, or fragmentary efforts. Mathematics, for instance, +intellectual philosophy, &c, were all become insupportable to me; I +shrunk from them with a sense of powerless and infantine feebleness +that gave me an anguish the greater from remembering the time when I +grappled with them to my own hourly delight; and for this further +reason, because I had devoted the labour of my whole life, and had +dedicated my intellect, blossoms and fruits, to the slow and elaborate +toil of constructing one single work, to which I had presumed to give +the title of an unfinished work of Spinosa’s—viz., _De Emendatione +Humani Intellectus_. This was now lying locked up, as by frost, like +any Spanish bridge or aqueduct, begun upon too great a scale for the +resources of the architect; and instead of reviving me as a monument of +wishes at least, and aspirations, and a life of labour dedicated to the +exaltation of human nature in that way in which God had best fitted me +to promote so great an object, it was likely to stand a memorial to my +children of hopes defeated, of baffled efforts, of materials uselessly +accumulated, of foundations laid that were never to support a +super-structure—of the grief and the ruin of the architect. In this +state of imbecility I had, for amusement, turned my attention to +political economy; my understanding, which formerly had been as active +and restless as a hyæna, could not, I suppose (so long as I lived at +all) sink into utter lethargy; and political economy offers this +advantage to a person in my state, that though it is eminently an +organic science (no part, that is to say, but what acts on the whole as +the whole again reacts on each part), yet the several parts may be +detached and contemplated singly. Great as was the prostration of my +powers at this time, yet I could not forget my knowledge; and my +understanding had been for too many years intimate with severe +thinkers, with logic, and the great masters of knowledge, not to be +aware of the utter feebleness of the main herd of modern economists. I +had been led in 1811 to look into loads of books and pamphlets on many +branches of economy; and, at my desire, M. sometimes read to me +chapters from more recent works, or parts of parliamentary debates. I +saw that these were generally the very dregs and rinsings of the human +intellect; and that any man of sound head, and practised in wielding +logic with a scholastic adroitness, might take up the whole academy of +modern economists, and throttle them between heaven and earth with his +finger and thumb, or bray their fungus-heads to powder with a lady’s +fan. At length, in 1819, a friend in Edinburgh sent me down Mr. +Ricardo’s book; and recurring to my own prophetic anticipation of the +advent of some legislator for this science, I said, before I had +finished the first chapter, “Thou art the man!” Wonder and curiosity +were emotions that had long been dead in me. Yet I wondered once more: +I wondered at myself that I could once again be stimulated to the +effort of reading, and much more I wondered at the book. Had this +profound work been really written in England during the nineteenth +century? Was it possible? I supposed thinking {19} had been extinct in +England. Could it be that an Englishman, and he not in academic bowers, +but oppressed by mercantile and senatorial cares, had accomplished what +all the universities of Europe and a century of thought had failed even +to advance by one hair’s breadth? All other writers had been crushed +and overlaid by the enormous weight of facts and documents. Mr. Ricardo +had deduced _à priori_ from the understanding itself laws which first +gave a ray of light into the unwieldy chaos of materials, and had +constructed what had been but a collection of tentative discussions +into a science of regular proportions, now first standing on an eternal +basis. + +Thus did one single work of a profound understanding avail to give me a +pleasure and an activity which I had not known for years. It roused me +even to write, or at least to dictate what M. wrote for me. It seemed +to me that some important truths had escaped even “the inevitable eye” +of Mr. Ricardo; and as these were for the most part of such a nature +that I could express or illustrate them more briefly and elegantly by +algebraic symbols than in the usual clumsy and loitering diction of +economists, the whole would not have filled a pocket-book; and being so +brief, with M. for my amanuensis, even at this time, incapable as I was +of all general exertion, I drew up my _Prolegomena to all future +Systems of Political Economy_. I hope it will not be found redolent of +opium; though, indeed, to most people the subject is a sufficient +opiate. + +This exertion, however, was but a temporary flash, as the sequel +showed; for I designed to publish my work. Arrangements were made at a +provincial press, about eighteen miles distant, for printing it. An +additional compositor was retained for some days on this account. The +work was even twice advertised, and I was in a manner pledged to the +fulfilment of my intention. But I had a preface to write, and a +dedication, which I wished to make a splendid one, to Mr. Ricardo. I +found myself quite unable to accomplish all this. The arrangements were +countermanded, the compositor dismissed, and my “Prolegomena” rested +peacefully by the side of its elder and more dignified brother. + +I have thus described and illustrated my intellectual torpor in terms +that apply more or less to every part of the four years during which I +was under the Circean spells of opium. But for misery and suffering, I +might indeed be said to have existed in a dormant state. I seldom could +prevail on myself to write a letter; an answer of a few words to any +that I received was the utmost that I could accomplish, and often +_that_ not until the letter had lain weeks or even months on my +writing-table. Without the aid of M. all records of bills paid or _to +be_ paid must have perished, and my whole domestic economy, whatever +became of Political Economy, must have gone into irretrievable +confusion. I shall not afterwards allude to this part of the case. It +is one, however, which the opium-eater will find, in the end, as +oppressive and tormenting as any other, from the sense of incapacity +and feebleness, from the direct embarrassments incident to the neglect +or procrastination of each day’s appropriate duties, and from the +remorse which must often exasperate the stings of these evils to a +reflective and conscientious mind. The opium-eater loses none of his +moral sensibilities or aspirations. He wishes and longs as earnestly as +ever to realize what he believes possible, and feels to be exacted by +duty; but his intellectual apprehension of what is possible infinitely +outruns his power, not of execution only, but even of power to attempt. +He lies under the weight of incubus and nightmare; he lies in sight of +all that he would fain perform, just as a man forcibly confined to his +bed by the mortal languor of a relaxing disease, who is compelled to +witness injury or outrage offered to some object of his tenderest love: +he curses the spells which chain him down from motion; he would lay +down his life if he might but get up and walk; but he is powerless as +an infant, and cannot even attempt to rise. + +I now pass to what is the main subject of these latter confessions, to +the history and journal of what took place in my dreams, for these were +the immediate and proximate cause of my acutest suffering. + +The first notice I had of any important change going on in this part of +my physical economy was from the reawakening of a state of eye +generally incident to childhood, or exalted states of irritability. I +know not whether my reader is aware that many children, perhaps most, +have a power of painting, as it were upon the darkness, all sorts of +phantoms. In some that power is simply a mechanical affection of the +eye; others have a voluntary or semi-voluntary power to dismiss or to +summon them; or, as a child once said to me when I questioned him on +this matter, “I can tell them to go, and they go ——, but sometimes they +come when I don’t tell them to come.” Whereupon I told him that he had +almost as unlimited a command over apparitions as a Roman centurion +over his soldiers.—In the middle of 1817, I think it was, that this +faculty became positively distressing to me: at night, when I lay awake +in bed, vast processions passed along in mournful pomp; friezes of +never-ending stories, that to my feelings were as sad and solemn as if +they were stories drawn from times before Œdipus or Priam, before Tyre, +before Memphis. And at the same time a corresponding change took place +in my dreams; a theatre seemed suddenly opened and lighted up within my +brain, which presented nightly spectacles of more than earthly +splendour. And the four following facts may be mentioned as noticeable +at this time: + +1. That as the creative state of the eye increased, a sympathy seemed +to arise between the waking and the dreaming states of the brain in one +point—that whatsoever I happened to call up and to trace by a voluntary +act upon the darkness was very apt to transfer itself to my dreams, so +that I feared to exercise this faculty; for, as Midas turned all things +to gold that yet baffled his hopes and defrauded his human desires, so +whatsoever things capable of being visually represented I did but think +of in the darkness, immediately shaped themselves into phantoms of the +eye; and by a process apparently no less inevitable, when thus once +traced in faint and visionary colours, like writings in sympathetic +ink, they were drawn out by the fierce chemistry of my dreams into +insufferable splendour that fretted my heart. + +2. For this and all other changes in my dreams were accompanied by +deep-seated anxiety and gloomy melancholy, such as are wholly +incommunicable by words. I seemed every night to descend, not +metaphorically, but literally to descend, into chasms and sunless +abysses, depths below depths, from which it seemed hopeless that I +could ever reascend. Nor did I, by waking, feel that I _had_ +reascended. This I do not dwell upon; because the state of gloom which +attended these gorgeous spectacles, amounting at last to utter +darkness, as of some suicidal despondency, cannot be approached by +words. + +3. The sense of space, and in the end the sense of time, were both +powerfully affected. Buildings, landscapes, &c., were exhibited in +proportions so vast as the bodily eye is not fitted to receive. Space +swelled, and was amplified to an extent of unutterable infinity. This, +however, did not disturb me so much as the vast expansion of time; I +sometimes seemed to have lived for 70 or 100 years in one night—nay, +sometimes had feelings representative of a millennium passed in that +time, or, however, of a duration far beyond the limits of any human +experience. + +4. The minutest incidents of childhood, or forgotten scenes of later +years, were often revived: I could not be said to recollect them, for +if I had been told of them when waking, I should not have been able to +acknowledge them as parts of my past experience. But placed as they +were before me, in dreams like intuitions, and clothed in all their +evanescent circumstances and accompanying feelings, I _recognised_ them +instantaneously. I was once told by a near relative of mine, that +having in her childhood fallen into a river, and being on the very +verge of death but for the critical assistance which reached her, she +saw in a moment her whole life, in its minutest incidents, arrayed +before her simultaneously as in a mirror; and she had a faculty +developed as suddenly for comprehending the whole and every part. This, +from some opium experiences of mine, I can believe; I have indeed seen +the same thing asserted twice in modern books, and accompanied by a +remark which I am convinced is true; viz., that the dread book of +account which the Scriptures speak of is in fact the mind itself of +each individual. Of this at least I feel assured, that there is no such +thing as _forgetting_ possible to the mind; a thousand accidents may +and will interpose a veil between our present consciousness and the +secret inscriptions on the mind; accidents of the same sort will also +rend away this veil; but alike, whether veiled or unveiled, the +inscription remains for ever, just as the stars seem to withdraw before +the common light of day, whereas in fact we all know that it is the +light which is drawn over them as a veil, and that they are waiting to +be revealed when the obscuring daylight shall have withdrawn. + +Having noticed these four facts as memorably distinguishing my dreams +from those of health, I shall now cite a case illustrative of the first +fact, and shall then cite any others that I remember, either in their +chronological order, or any other that may give them more effect as +pictures to the reader. + +I had been in youth, and even since, for occasional amusement, a great +reader of Livy, whom I confess that I prefer, both for style and +matter, to any other of the Roman historians; and I had often felt as +most solemn and appalling sounds, and most emphatically representative +of the majesty of the Roman people, the two words so often occurring in +Livy—_Consul Romanus_, especially when the consul is introduced in his +military character. I mean to say that the words king, sultan, regent, +&c., or any other titles of those who embody in their own persons the +collective majesty of a great people, had less power over my +reverential feelings. I had also, though no great reader of history, +made myself minutely and critically familiar with one period of English +history, viz., the period of the Parliamentary War, having been +attracted by the moral grandeur of some who figured in that day, and by +the many interesting memoirs which survive those unquiet times. Both +these parts of my lighter reading, having furnished me often with +matter of reflection, now furnished me with matter for my dreams. Often +I used to see, after painting upon the blank darkness a sort of +rehearsal whilst waking, a crowd of ladies, and perhaps a festival and +dances. And I heard it said, or I said to myself, “These are English +ladies from the unhappy times of Charles I. These are the wives and the +daughters of those who met in peace, and sate at the same table, and +were allied by marriage or by blood; and yet, after a certain day in +August 1642, never smiled upon each other again, nor met but in the +field of battle; and at Marston Moor, at Newbury, or at Naseby, cut +asunder all ties of love by the cruel sabre, and washed away in blood +the memory of ancient friendship.” The ladies danced, and looked as +lovely as the court of George IV. Yet I knew, even in my dream, that +they had been in the grave for nearly two centuries. This pageant would +suddenly dissolve; and at a clapping of hands would be heard the +heart-quaking sound _of Consul Romanus_; and immediately came “sweeping +by,” in gorgeous paludaments, Paulus or Marius, girt round by a company +of centurions, with the crimson tunic hoisted on a spear, and followed +by the _alalagmos_ of the Roman legions. + +Many years ago, when I was looking over Piranesi’s Antiquities of Rome, +Mr. Coleridge, who was standing by, described to me a set of plates by +that artist, called his _Dreams_, and which record the scenery of his +own visions during the delirium of a fever. Some of them (I describe +only from memory of Mr. Coleridge’s account) represented vast Gothic +halls, on the floor of which stood all sorts of engines and machinery, +wheels, cables, pulleys, levers, catapults, &c. &c., expressive of +enormous power put forth and resistance overcome. Creeping along the +sides of the walls you perceived a staircase; and upon it, groping his +way upwards, was Piranesi himself: follow the stairs a little further +and you perceive it come to a sudden and abrupt termination without any +balustrade, and allowing no step onwards to him who had reached the +extremity except into the depths below. Whatever is to become of poor +Piranesi, you suppose at least that his labours must in some way +terminate here. But raise your eyes, and behold a second flight of +stairs still higher, on which again Piranesi is perceived, but this +time standing on the very brink of the abyss. Again elevate your eye, +and a still more aërial flight of stairs is beheld, and again is poor +Piranesi busy on his aspiring labours; and so on, until the unfinished +stairs and Piranesi both are lost in the upper gloom of the hall. With +the same power of endless growth and self-reproduction did my +architecture proceed in dreams. In the early stage of my malady the +splendours of my dreams were indeed chiefly architectural; and I beheld +such pomp of cities and palaces as was never yet beheld by the waking +eye unless in the clouds. From a great modern poet I cite part of a +passage which describes, as an appearance actually beheld in the +clouds, what in many of its circumstances I saw frequently in sleep: + +The appearance, instantaneously disclosed, +Was of a mighty city—boldly say +A wilderness of building, sinking far +And self-withdrawn into a wondrous depth, +Far sinking into splendour—without end! +Fabric it seem’d of diamond, and of gold, +With alabaster domes, and silver spires, +And blazing terrace upon terrace, high +Uplifted; here, serene pavilions bright +In avenues disposed; there towers begirt +With battlements that on their restless fronts +Bore stars—illumination of all gems! +By earthly nature had the effect been wrought +Upon the dark materials of the storm +Now pacified; on them, and on the coves, +And mountain-steeps and summits, whereunto +The vapours had receded,—taking there +Their station under a Cerulean sky. &c. &c. + + +The sublime circumstance, “battlements that on their _restless_ fronts +bore stars,” might have been copied from my architectural dreams, for +it often occurred. We hear it reported of Dryden and of Fuseli, in +modern times, that they thought proper to eat raw meat for the sake of +obtaining splendid dreams: how much better for such a purpose to have +eaten opium, which yet I do not remember that any poet is recorded to +have done, except the dramatist Shadwell; and in ancient days Homer is +I think rightly reputed to have known the virtues of opium. + +To my architecture succeeded dreams of lakes and silvery expanses of +water: these haunted me so much that I feared (though possibly it will +appear ludicrous to a medical man) that some dropsical state or +tendency of the brain might thus be making itself (to use a +metaphysical word) _objective_; and the sentient organ _project_ itself +as its own object. For two months I suffered greatly in my head, a part +of my bodily structure which had hitherto been so clear from all touch +or taint of weakness (physically I mean) that I used to say of it, as +the last Lord Orford said of his stomach, that it seemed likely to +survive the rest of my person. Till now I had never felt a headache +even, or any the slightest pain, except rheumatic pains caused by my +own folly. However, I got over this attack, though it must have been +verging on something very dangerous. + +The waters now changed their character—from translucent lakes shining +like mirrors they now became seas and oceans. And now came a tremendous +change, which, unfolding itself slowly like a scroll through many +months, promised an abiding torment; and in fact it never left me until +the winding up of my case. Hitherto the human face had mixed often in +my dreams, but not despotically nor with any special power of +tormenting. But now that which I have called the tyranny of the human +face began to unfold itself. Perhaps some part of my London life might +be answerable for this. Be that as it may, now it was that upon the +rocking waters of the ocean the human face began to appear; the sea +appeared paved with innumerable faces upturned to the heavens—faces +imploring, wrathful, despairing, surged upwards by thousands, by +myriads, by generations, by centuries: my agitation was infinite; my +mind tossed and surged with the ocean. + +_May_, 1818 + + +The Malay has been a fearful enemy for months. I have been every night, +through his means, transported into Asiatic scenes. I know not whether +others share in my feelings on this point; but I have often thought +that if I were compelled to forego England, and to live in China, and +among Chinese manners and modes of life and scenery, I should go mad. +The causes of my horror lie deep, and some of them must be common to +others. Southern Asia in general is the seat of awful images and +associations. As the cradle of the human race, it would alone have a +dim and reverential feeling connected with it. But there are other +reasons. No man can pretend that the wild, barbarous, and capricious +superstitions of Africa, or of savage tribes elsewhere, affect him in +the way that he is affected by the ancient, monumental, cruel, and +elaborate religions of Indostan, &c. The mere antiquity of Asiatic +things, of their institutions, histories, modes of faith, &c., is so +impressive, that to me the vast age of the race and name overpowers the +sense of youth in the individual. A young Chinese seems to me an +antediluvian man renewed. Even Englishmen, though not bred in any +knowledge of such institutions, cannot but shudder at the mystic +sublimity of _castes_ that have flowed apart, and refused to mix, +through such immemorial tracts of time; nor can any man fail to be awed +by the names of the Ganges or the Euphrates. It contributes much to +these feelings that southern Asia is, and has been for thousands of +years, the part of the earth most swarming with human life, the great +_officina gentium_. Man is a weed in those regions. The vast empires +also in which the enormous population of Asia has always been cast, +give a further sublimity to the feelings associated with all Oriental +names or images. In China, over and above what it has in common with +the rest of southern Asia, I am terrified by the modes of life, by the +manners, and the barrier of utter abhorrence and want of sympathy +placed between us by feelings deeper than I can analyse. I could sooner +live with lunatics or brute animals. All this, and much more than I can +say or have time to say, the reader must enter into before he can +comprehend the unimaginable horror which these dreams of Oriental +imagery and mythological tortures impressed upon me. Under the +connecting feeling of tropical heat and vertical sunlights I brought +together all creatures, birds, beasts, reptiles, all trees and plants, +usages and appearances, that are found in all tropical regions, and +assembled them together in China or Indostan. From kindred feelings, I +soon brought Egypt and all her gods under the same law. I was stared +at, hooted at, grinned at, chattered at, by monkeys, by parroquets, by +cockatoos. I ran into pagodas, and was fixed for centuries at the +summit or in secret rooms: I was the idol; I was the priest; I was +worshipped; I was sacrificed. I fled from the wrath of Brama through +all the forests of Asia: Vishnu hated me: Seeva laid wait for me. I +came suddenly upon Isis and Osiris: I had done a deed, they said, which +the ibis and the crocodile trembled at. I was buried for a thousand +years in stone coffins, with mummies and sphynxes, in narrow chambers +at the heart of eternal pyramids. I was kissed, with cancerous kisses, +by crocodiles; and laid, confounded with all unutterable slimy things, +amongst reeds and Nilotic mud. + +I thus give the reader some slight abstraction of my Oriental dreams, +which always filled me with such amazement at the monstrous scenery +that horror seemed absorbed for a while in sheer astonishment. Sooner +or later came a reflux of feeling that swallowed up the astonishment, +and left me not so much in terror as in hatred and abomination of what +I saw. Over every form, and threat, and punishment, and dim sightless +incarceration, brooded a sense of eternity and infinity that drove me +into an oppression as of madness. Into these dreams only it was, with +one or two slight exceptions, that any circumstances of physical horror +entered. All before had been moral and spiritual terrors. But here the +main agents were ugly birds, or snakes, or crocodiles; especially the +last. The cursed crocodile became to me the object of more horror than +almost all the rest. I was compelled to live with him, and (as was +always the case almost in my dreams) for centuries. I escaped +sometimes, and found myself in Chinese houses, with cane tables, &c. +All the feet of the tables, sofas, &c., soon became instinct with life: +the abominable head of the crocodile, and his leering eyes, looked out +at me, multiplied into a thousand repetitions; and I stood loathing and +fascinated. And so often did this hideous reptile haunt my dreams that +many times the very same dream was broken up in the very same way: I +heard gentle voices speaking to me (I hear everything when I am +sleeping), and instantly I awoke. It was broad noon, and my children +were standing, hand in hand, at my bedside—come to show me their +coloured shoes, or new frocks, or to let me see them dressed for going +out. I protest that so awful was the transition from the damned +crocodile, and the other unutterable monsters and abortions of my +dreams, to the sight of innocent _human_ natures and of infancy, that +in the mighty and sudden revulsion of mind I wept, and could not +forbear it, as I kissed their faces. + +June 1819 + + +I have had occasion to remark, at various periods of my life, that the +deaths of those whom we love, and indeed the contemplation of death +generally, is (_cæteris paribus_) more affecting in summer than in any +other season of the year. And the reasons are these three, I think: +first, that the visible heavens in summer appear far higher, more +distant, and (if such a solecism may be excused) more infinite; the +clouds, by which chiefly the eye expounds the distance of the blue +pavilion stretched over our heads, are in summer more voluminous, +massed and accumulated in far grander and more towering piles. +Secondly, the light and the appearances of the declining and the +setting sun are much more fitted to be types and characters of the +Infinite. And thirdly (which is the main reason), the exuberant and +riotous prodigality of life naturally forces the mind more powerfully +upon the antagonist thought of death, and the wintry sterility of the +grave. For it may be observed generally, that wherever two thoughts +stand related to each other by a law of antagonism, and exist, as it +were, by mutual repulsion, they are apt to suggest each other. On these +accounts it is that I find it impossible to banish the thought of death +when I am walking alone in the endless days of summer; and any +particular death, if not more affecting, at least haunts my mind more +obstinately and besiegingly in that season. Perhaps this cause, and a +slight incident which I omit, might have been the immediate occasions +of the following dream, to which, however, a predisposition must always +have existed in my mind; but having been once roused it never left me, +and split into a thousand fantastic varieties, which often suddenly +reunited, and composed again the original dream. + +I thought that it was a Sunday morning in May, that it was Easter +Sunday, and as yet very early in the morning. I was standing, as it +seemed to me, at the door of my own cottage. Right before me lay the +very scene which could really be commanded from that situation, but +exalted, as was usual, and solemnised by the power of dreams. There +were the same mountains, and the same lovely valley at their feet; but +the mountains were raised to more than Alpine height, and there was +interspace far larger between them of meadows and forest lawns; the +hedges were rich with white roses; and no living creature was to be +seen, excepting that in the green churchyard there were cattle +tranquilly reposing upon the verdant graves, and particularly round +about the grave of a child whom I had tenderly loved, just as I had +really beheld them, a little before sunrise in the same summer, when +that child died. I gazed upon the well-known scene, and I said aloud +(as I thought) to myself, “It yet wants much of sunrise, and it is +Easter Sunday; and that is the day on which they celebrate the first +fruits of resurrection. I will walk abroad; old griefs shall be +forgotten to-day; for the air is cool and still, and the hills are high +and stretch away to heaven; and the forest glades are as quiet as the +churchyard, and with the dew I can wash the fever from my forehead, and +then I shall be unhappy no longer.” And I turned as if to open my +garden gate, and immediately I saw upon the left a scene far different, +but which yet the power of dreams had reconciled into harmony with the +other. The scene was an Oriental one, and there also it was Easter +Sunday, and very early in the morning. And at a vast distance were +visible, as a stain upon the horizon, the domes and cupolas of a great +city—an image or faint abstraction, caught perhaps in childhood from +some picture of Jerusalem. And not a bow-shot from me, upon a stone and +shaded by Judean palms, there sat a woman, and I looked, and it +was—Ann! She fixed her eyes upon me earnestly, and I said to her at +length: “So, then, I have found you at last.” I waited, but she +answered me not a word. Her face was the same as when I saw it last, +and yet again how different! Seventeen years ago, when the lamplight +fell upon her face, as for the last time I kissed her lips (lips, Ann, +that to me were not polluted), her eyes were streaming with tears: the +tears were now wiped away; she seemed more beautiful than she was at +that time, but in all other points the same, and not older. Her looks +were tranquil, but with unusual solemnity of expression, and I now +gazed upon her with some awe; but suddenly her countenance grew dim, +and turning to the mountains I perceived vapours rolling between us. In +a moment all had vanished, thick darkness came on, and in the twinkling +of an eye I was far away from mountains, and by lamplight in Oxford +Street, walking again with Ann—just as we walked seventeen years +before, when we were both children. + +As a final specimen, I cite one of a different character, from 1820. + +The dream commenced with a music which now I often heard in dreams—a +music of preparation and of awakening suspense, a music like the +opening of the Coronation Anthem, and which, like _that_, gave the +feeling of a vast march, of infinite cavalcades filing off, and the +tread of innumerable armies. The morning was come of a mighty day—a day +of crisis and of final hope for human nature, then suffering some +mysterious eclipse, and labouring in some dread extremity. Somewhere, I +knew not where—somehow, I knew not how—by some beings, I knew not +whom—a battle, a strife, an agony, was conducting, was evolving like a +great drama or piece of music, with which my sympathy was the more +insupportable from my confusion as to its place, its cause, its nature, +and its possible issue. I, as is usual in dreams (where of necessity we +make ourselves central to every movement), had the power, and yet had +not the power, to decide it. I had the power, if I could raise myself +to will it, and yet again had not the power, for the weight of twenty +Atlantics was upon me, or the oppression of inexpiable guilt. “Deeper +than ever plummet sounded,” I lay inactive. Then like a chorus the +passion deepened. Some greater interest was at stake, some mightier +cause than ever yet the sword had pleaded, or trumpet had proclaimed. +Then came sudden alarms, hurryings to and fro, trepidations of +innumerable fugitives—I knew not whether from the good cause or the +bad, darkness and lights, tempest and human faces, and at last, with +the sense that all was lost, female forms, and the features that were +worth all the world to me, and but a moment allowed—and clasped hands, +and heart-breaking partings, and then—everlasting farewells! And with a +sigh, such as the caves of Hell sighed when the incestuous mother +uttered the abhorred name of death, the sound was +reverberated—everlasting farewells! And again and yet again +reverberated—everlasting farewells! + +And I awoke in struggles, and cried aloud—“I will sleep no more.” + +But I am now called upon to wind up a narrative which has already +extended to an unreasonable length. Within more spacious limits the +materials which I have used might have been better unfolded, and much +which I have not used might have been added with effect. Perhaps, +however, enough has been given. It now remains that I should say +something of the way in which this conflict of horrors was finally +brought to a crisis. The reader is already aware (from a passage near +the beginning of the introduction to the first part) that the +Opium-eater has, in some way or other, “unwound almost to its final +links the accursed chain which bound him.” By what means? To have +narrated this according to the original intention would have far +exceeded the space which can now be allowed. It is fortunate, as such a +cogent reason exists for abridging it, that I should, on a maturer view +of the case, have been exceedingly unwilling to injure, by any such +unaffecting details, the impression of the history itself, as an appeal +to the prudence and the conscience of the yet unconfirmed +opium-eater—or even (though a very inferior consideration) to injure +its effect as a composition. The interest of the judicious reader will +not attach itself chiefly to the subject of the fascinating spells, but +to the fascinating power. Not the Opium-eater, but the opium, is the +true hero of the tale, and the legitimate centre on which the interest +revolves. The object was to display the marvellous agency of opium, +whether for pleasure or for pain: if that is done, the action of the +piece has closed. + +However, as some people, in spite of all laws to the contrary, will +persist in asking what became of the Opium-eater, and in what state he +now is, I answer for him thus: The reader is aware that opium had long +ceased to found its empire on spells of pleasure; it was solely by the +tortures connected with the attempt to abjure it that it kept its hold. +Yet, as other tortures, no less it may be thought, attended the +non-abjuration of such a tyrant, a choice only of evils was left; and +_that_ might as well have been adopted which, however terrific in +itself, held out a prospect of final restoration to happiness. This +appears true; but good logic gave the author no strength to act upon +it. However, a crisis arrived for the author’s life, and a crisis for +other objects still dearer to him—and which will always be far dearer +to him than his life, even now that it is again a happy one. I saw that +I must die if I continued the opium. I determined, therefore, if that +should be required, to die in throwing it off. How much I was at that +time taking I cannot say, for the opium which I used had been purchased +for me by a friend, who afterwards refused to let me pay him; so that I +could not ascertain even what quantity I had used within the year. I +apprehend, however, that I took it very irregularly, and that I varied +from about fifty or sixty grains to 150 a day. My first task was to +reduce it to forty, to thirty, and as fast as I could to twelve grains. + +I triumphed. But think not, reader, that therefore my sufferings were +ended, nor think of me as of one sitting in a _dejected_ state. Think +of me as one, even when four months had passed, still agitated, +writhing, throbbing, palpitating, shattered, and much perhaps in the +situation of him who has been racked, as I collect the torments of that +state from the affecting account of them left by a most innocent +sufferer {20} of the times of James I. Meantime, I derived no benefit +from any medicine, except one prescribed to me by an Edinburgh surgeon +of great eminence, viz., ammoniated tincture of valerian. Medical +account, therefore, of my emancipation I have not much to give, and +even that little, as managed by a man so ignorant of medicine as +myself, would probably tend only to mislead. At all events, it would be +misplaced in this situation. The moral of the narrative is addressed to +the opium-eater, and therefore of necessity limited in its application. +If he is taught to fear and tremble, enough has been effected. But he +may say that the issue of my case is at least a proof that opium, after +a seventeen years’ use and an eight years’ abuse of its powers, may +still be renounced, and that _he_ may chance to bring to the task +greater energy than I did, or that with a stronger constitution than +mine he may obtain the same results with less. This may be true. I +would not presume to measure the efforts of other men by my own. I +heartily wish him more energy. I wish him the same success. +Nevertheless, I had motives external to myself which he may +unfortunately want, and these supplied me with conscientious supports +which mere personal interests might fail to supply to a mind +debilitated by opium. + +Jeremy Taylor conjectures that it may be as painful to be born as to +die. I think it probable; and during the whole period of diminishing +the opium I had the torments of a man passing out of one mode of +existence into another. The issue was not death, but a sort of physical +regeneration; and I may add that ever since, at intervals, I have had a +restoration of more than youthful spirits, though under the pressure of +difficulties which in a less happy state of mind I should have called +misfortunes. + +One memorial of my former condition still remains—my dreams are not yet +perfectly calm; the dread swell and agitation of the storm have not +wholly subsided; the legions that encamped in them are drawing off, but +not all departed; my sleep is still tumultuous, and, like the gates of +Paradise to our first parents when looking back from afar, it is still +(in the tremendous line of Milton) + +With dreadful faces throng’d, and fiery arms. + + + + +APPENDIX + + +From the “London Magazine” for December 1822. + +The interest excited by the two papers bearing this title, in our +numbers for September and October 1821, will have kept our promise of a +Third Part fresh in the remembrance of our readers. That we are still +unable to fulfil our engagement in its original meaning will, we, are +sure, be matter of regret to them as to ourselves, especially when they +have perused the following affecting narrative. It was composed for the +purpose of being appended to an edition of the Confessions in a +separate volume, which is already before the public, and we have +reprinted it entire, that our subscribers may be in possession of the +whole of this extraordinary history. + + +The proprietors of this little work having determined on reprinting it, +some explanation seems called for, to account for the non-appearance of +a third part promised in the _London Magazine_ of December last; and +the more so because the proprietors, under whose guarantee that promise +was issued, might otherwise be implicated in the blame—little or +much—attached to its non-fulfilment. This blame, in mere justice, the +author takes wholly upon himself. What may be the exact amount of the +guilt which he thus appropriates is a very dark question to his own +judgment, and not much illuminated by any of the masters in casuistry +whom he has consulted on the occasion. On the one hand it seems +generally agreed that a promise is binding in the inverse ratio of the +numbers to whom it is made; for which reason it is that we see many +persons break promises without scruple that are made to a whole nation, +who keep their faith religiously in all private engagements, breaches +of promise towards the stronger party being committed at a man’s own +peril; on the other hand, the only parties interested in the promises +of an author are his readers, and these it is a point of modesty in any +author to believe as few as possible—or perhaps only one, in which case +any promise imposes a sanctity of moral obligation which it is shocking +to think of. Casuistry dismissed, however, the author throws himself on +the indulgent consideration of all who may conceive themselves +aggrieved by his delay, in the following account of his own condition +from the end of last year, when the engagement was made, up nearly to +the present time. For any purpose of self-excuse it might be sufficient +to say that intolerable bodily suffering had totally disabled him for +almost any exertion of mind, more especially for such as demands and +presupposes a pleasurable and genial state of feeling; but, as a case +that may by possibility contribute a trifle to the medical history of +opium, in a further stage of its action than can often have been +brought under the notice of professional men, he has judged that it +might be acceptable to some readers to have it described more at +length. _Fiat experimentum in corpore vili_ is a just rule where there +is any reasonable presumption of benefit to arise on a large scale. +What the benefit may be will admit of a doubt, but there can be none as +to the value of the body; for a more worthless body than his own the +author is free to confess cannot be. It is his pride to believe that it +is the very ideal of a base, crazy, despicable human system, that +hardly ever could have been meant to be seaworthy for two days under +the ordinary storms and wear and tear of life; and indeed, if that were +the creditable way of disposing of human bodies, he must own that he +should almost be ashamed to bequeath his wretched structure to any +respectable dog. But now to the case, which, for the sake of avoiding +the constant recurrence of a cumbersome periphrasis, the author will +take the liberty of giving in the first person. + + +Those who have read the Confessions will have closed them with the +impression that I had wholly renounced the use of opium. This +impression I meant to convey, and that for two reasons: first, because +the very act of deliberately recording such a state of suffering +necessarily presumes in the recorder a power of surveying his own case +as a cool spectator, and a degree of spirits for adequately describing +it which it would be inconsistent to suppose in any person speaking +from the station of an actual sufferer; secondly, because I, who had +descended from so large a quantity as 8,000 drops to so small a one +(comparatively speaking) as a quantity ranging between 300 and 160 +drops, might well suppose that the victory was in effect achieved. In +suffering my readers, therefore, to think of me as of a reformed +opium-eater, I left no impression but what I shared myself; and, as may +be seen, even this impression was left to be collected from the general +tone of the conclusion, and not from any specific words, which are in +no instance at variance with the literal truth. In no long time after +that paper was written I became sensible that the effort which remained +would cost me far more energy than I had anticipated, and the necessity +for making it was more apparent every month. In particular I became +aware of an increasing callousness or defect of sensibility in the +stomach, and this I imagined might imply a scirrhous state of that +organ, either formed or forming. An eminent physician, to whose +kindness I was at that time deeply indebted, informed me that such a +termination of my case was not impossible, though likely to be +forestalled by a different termination in the event of my continuing +the use of opium. Opium therefore I resolved wholly to abjure as soon +as I should find myself at liberty to bend my undivided attention and +energy to this purpose. It was not, however, until the 24th of June +last that any tolerable concurrence of facilities for such an attempt +arrived. On that day I began my experiment, having previously settled +in my own mind that I would not flinch, but would “stand up to the +scratch” under any possible “punishment.” I must premise that about 170 +or 180 drops had been my ordinary allowance for many months; +occasionally I had run up as high as 500, and once nearly to 700; in +repeated preludes to my final experiment I had also gone as low as 100 +drops; but had found it impossible to stand it beyond the fourth +day—which, by the way, I have always found more difficult to get over +than any of the preceding three. I went off under easy sail—130 drops a +day for three days; on the fourth I plunged at once to 80. The misery +which I now suffered “took the conceit” out of me at once, and for +about a month I continued off and on about this mark; then I sunk to +60, and the next day to—none at all. This was the first day for nearly +ten years that I had existed without opium. I persevered in my +abstinence for ninety hours; i.e., upwards of half a week. Then I +took—ask me not how much; say, ye severest, what would ye have done? +Then I abstained again—then took about 25 drops then abstained; and so +on. + +Meantime the symptoms which attended my case for the first six weeks of +my experiment were these: enormous irritability and excitement of the +whole system; the stomach in particular restored to a full feeling of +vitality and sensibility, but often in great pain; unceasing +restlessness night and day; sleep—I scarcely knew what it was; three +hours out of the twenty-four was the utmost I had, and that so agitated +and shallow that I heard every sound that was near me. Lower jaw +constantly swelling, mouth ulcerated, and many other distressing +symptoms that would be tedious to repeat; amongst which, however, I +must mention one, because it had never failed to accompany any attempt +to renounce opium—viz., violent sternutation. This now became +exceedingly troublesome, sometimes lasting for two hours at once, and +recurring at least twice or three times a day. I was not much surprised +at this on recollecting what I had somewhere heard or read, that the +membrane which lines the nostrils is a prolongation of that which lines +the stomach; whence, I believe, are explained the inflammatory +appearances about the nostrils of dram drinkers. The sudden restoration +of its original sensibility to the stomach expressed itself, I suppose, +in this way. It is remarkable also that during the whole period of +years through which I had taken opium I had never once caught cold (as +the phrase is), nor even the slightest cough. But now a violent cold +attacked me, and a cough soon after. In an unfinished fragment of a +letter begun about this time to ——, I find these words: “You ask me to +write the ——. Do you know Beaumont and Fletcher’s play of “Thierry and +Theodore”? There you will see my case as to sleep; nor is it much of an +exaggeration in other features. I protest to you that I have a greater +influx of thoughts in one hour at present than in a whole year under +the reign of opium. It seems as though all the thoughts which had been +frozen up for a decade of years by opium had now, according to the old +fable, been thawed at once—such a multitude stream in upon me from all +quarters. Yet such is my impatience and hideous irritability that for +one which I detain and write down fifty escape me: in spite of my +weariness from suffering and want of sleep, I cannot stand still or sit +for two minutes together. ‘I nunc, et versus tecum meditare canoros.’” + +At this stage of my experiment I sent to a neighbouring surgeon, +requesting that he would come over to see me. In the evening he came; +and after briefly stating the case to him, I asked this question; +Whether he did not think that the opium might have acted as a stimulus +to the digestive organs, and that the present state of suffering in the +stomach, which manifestly was the cause of the inability to sleep, +might arise from indigestion? His answer was; No; on the contrary, he +thought that the suffering was caused by digestion itself, which should +naturally go on below the consciousness, but which from the unnatural +state of the stomach, vitiated by so long a use of opium, was become +distinctly perceptible. This opinion was plausible; and the +unintermitting nature of the suffering disposes me to think that it was +true, for if it had been any mere _irregular_ affection of the stomach, +it should naturally have intermitted occasionally, and constantly +fluctuated as to degree. The intention of nature, as manifested in the +healthy state, obviously is to withdraw from our notice all the vital +motions, such as the circulation of the blood, the expansion and +contraction of the lungs, the peristaltic action of the stomach, &c., +and opium, it seems, is able in this, as in other instances, to +counteract her purposes. By the advice of the surgeon I tried +_bitters_. For a short time these greatly mitigated the feelings under +which I laboured, but about the forty-second day of the experiment the +symptoms already noticed began to retire, and new ones to arise of a +different and far more tormenting class; under these, but with a few +intervals of remission, I have since continued to suffer. But I dismiss +them undescribed for two reasons: first, because the mind revolts from +retracing circumstantially any sufferings from which it is removed by +too short or by no interval. To do this with minuteness enough to make +the review of any use would be indeed _infandum renovare dolorem_, and +possibly without a sufficient motive; for secondly, I doubt whether +this latter state be anyway referable to opium—positively considered, +or even negatively; that is, whether it is to be numbered amongst the +last evils from the direct action of opium, or even amongst the +earliest evils consequent upon a _want_ of opium in a system long +deranged by its use. Certainly one part of the symptoms might be +accounted for from the time of year (August), for though the summer was +not a hot one, yet in any case the sum of all the heat _funded_ (if one +may say so) during the previous months, added to the existing heat of +that month, naturally renders August in its better half the hottest +part of the year; and it so happened that—the excessive perspiration +which even at Christmas attends any great reduction in the daily +quantum of opium—and which in July was so violent as to oblige me to +use a bath five or six times a day—had about the setting-in of the +hottest season wholly retired, on which account any bad effect of the +heat might be the more unmitigated. Another symptom—viz., what in my +ignorance I call internal rheumatism (sometimes affecting the +shoulders, &c., but more often appearing to be seated in the +stomach)—seemed again less probably attributable to the opium, or the +want of opium, than to the dampness of the house {21} which I inhabit, +which had about this time attained its maximum, July having been, as +usual, a month of incessant rain in our most rainy part of England. + +Under these reasons for doubting whether opium had any connexion with +the latter stage of my bodily wretchedness—except, indeed, as an +occasional cause, as having left the body weaker and more crazy, and +thus predisposed to any mal-influence whatever—I willingly spare my +reader all description of it; let it perish to him, and would that I +could as easily say let it perish to my own remembrances, that any +future hours of tranquillity may not be disturbed by too vivid an ideal +of possible human misery! + +So much for the sequel of my experiment. As to the former stage, in +which probably lies the experiment and its application to other cases, +I must request my reader not to forget the reasons for which I have +recorded it. These were two: First, a belief that I might add some +trifle to the history of opium as a medical agent. In this I am aware +that I have not at all fulfilled my own intentions, in consequence of +the torpor of mind, pain of body, and extreme disgust to the subject +which besieged me whilst writing that part of my paper; which part +being immediately sent off to the press (distant about five degrees of +latitude), cannot be corrected or improved. But from this account, +rambling as it may be, it is evident that thus much of benefit may +arise to the persons most interested in such a history of opium, viz., +to opium-eaters in general, that it establishes, for their consolation +and encouragement, the fact that opium may be renounced, and without +greater sufferings than an ordinary resolution may support, and by a +pretty rapid course {22} of descent. + +To communicate this result of my experiment was my foremost purpose. +Secondly, as a purpose collateral to this, I wished to explain how it +had become impossible for me to compose a Third Part in time to +accompany this republication; for during the time of this experiment +the proof-sheets of this reprint were sent to me from London, and such +was my inability to expand or to improve them, that I could not even +bear to read them over with attention enough to notice the press errors +or to correct any verbal inaccuracies. These were my reasons for +troubling my reader with any record, long or short, of experiments +relating to so truly base a subject as my own body; and I am earnest +with the reader that he will not forget them, or so far misapprehend me +as to believe it possible that I would condescend to so rascally a +subject for its own sake, or indeed for any less object than that of +general benefit to others. Such an animal as the self-observing +valetudinarian I know there is; I have met him myself occasionally, and +I know that he is the worst imaginable _heautontimoroumenos_; +aggravating and sustaining, by calling into distinct consciousness, +every symptom that would else perhaps, under a different direction +given to the thoughts, become evanescent. But as to myself, so profound +is my contempt for this undignified and selfish habit, that I could as +little condescend to it as I could to spend my time in watching a poor +servant girl, to whom at this moment I hear some lad or other making +love at the back of my house. Is it for a Transcendental Philosopher to +feel any curiosity on such an occasion? Or can I, whose life is worth +only eight and a half years’ purchase, be supposed to have leisure for +such trivial employments? However, to put this out of question, I shall +say one thing, which will perhaps shock some readers, but I am sure it +ought not to do so, considering the motives on which I say it. No man, +I suppose, employs much of his time on the phenomena of his own body +without some regard for it; whereas the reader sees that, so far from +looking upon mine with any complacency or regard, I hate it, and make +it the object of my bitter ridicule and contempt; and I should not be +displeased to know that the last indignities which the law inflicts +upon the bodies of the worst malefactors might hereafter fall upon it. +And, in testification of my sincerity in saying this, I shall make the +following offer. Like other men, I have particular fancies about the +place of my burial; having lived chiefly in a mountainous region, I +rather cleave to the conceit, that a grave in a green churchyard +amongst the ancient and solitary hills will be a sublimer and more +tranquil place of repose for a philosopher than any in the hideous +Golgothas of London. Yet if the gentlemen of Surgeons’ Hall think that +any benefit can redound to their science from inspecting the +appearances in the body of an opium-eater, let them speak but a word, +and I will take care that mine shall be legally secured to them—i.e., +as soon as I have done with it myself. Let them not hesitate to express +their wishes upon any scruples of false delicacy and consideration for +my feelings; I assure them they will do me too much honour by +“demonstrating” on such a crazy body as mine, and it will give me +pleasure to anticipate this posthumous revenge and insult inflicted +upon that which has caused me so much suffering in this life. Such +bequests are not common; reversionary benefits contingent upon the +death of the testator are indeed dangerous to announce in many cases: +of this we have a remarkable instance in the habits of a Roman prince, +who used, upon any notification made to him by rich persons that they +had left him a handsome estate in their wills, to express his entire +satisfaction at such arrangements and his gracious acceptance of those +loyal legacies; but then, if the testators neglected to give him +immediate possession of the property, if they traitorously “persisted +in living” (_si vivere perseverarent_, as Suetonius expresses it), he +was highly provoked, and took his measures accordingly. In those times, +and from one of the worst of the Cæsars, we might expect such conduct; +but I am sure that from English surgeons at this day I need look for no +expressions of impatience, or of any other feelings but such as are +answerable to that pure love of science and all its interests which +induces me to make such an offer. + +Sept 30, 1822 + + + + +FOOTNOTES + + +{1} “Not yet _recorded_,” I say; for there is one celebrated man of the +present day, who, if all be true which is reported of him, has greatly +exceeded me in quantity. + +{2} A third exception might perhaps have been added; and my reason for +not adding that exception is chiefly because it was only in his +juvenile efforts that the writer whom I allude to expressly addressed +hints to philosophical themes; his riper powers having been all +dedicated (on very excusable and very intelligible grounds, under the +present direction of the popular mind in England) to criticism and the +Fine Arts. This reason apart, however, I doubt whether he is not rather +to be considered an acute thinker than a subtle one. It is, besides, a +great drawback on his mastery over philosophical subjects that he has +obviously not had the advantage of a regular scholastic education: he +has not read Plato in his youth (which most likely was only his +misfortune), but neither has he read Kant in his manhood (which is his +fault). + +{3} I disclaim any allusion to _existing_ professors, of whom indeed I +know only one. + +{4} To this same Jew, by the way, some eighteen months afterwards, I +applied again on the same business; and, dating at that time from a +respectable college, I was fortunate enough to gain his serious +attention to my proposals. My necessities had not arisen from any +extravagance or youthful levities (these my habits and the nature of my +pleasures raised me far above), but simply from the vindictive malice +of my guardian, who, when he found himself no longer able to prevent me +from going to the university, had, as a parting token of his good +nature, refused to sign an order for granting me a shilling beyond the +allowance made to me at school—viz., £100 per annum. Upon this sum it +was in my time barely possible to have lived in college, and not +possible to a man who, though above the paltry affectation of +ostentatious disregard for money, and without any expensive tastes, +confided nevertheless rather too much in servants, and did not delight +in the petty details of minute economy. I soon, therefore, became +embarrassed, and at length, after a most voluminous negotiation with +the Jew (some parts of which, if I had leisure to rehearse them, would +greatly amuse my readers), I was put in possession of the sum I asked +for, on the “regular” terms of paying the Jew seventeen and a half per +cent. by way of annuity on all the money furnished; Israel, on his +part, graciously resuming no more than about ninety guineas of the said +money, on account of an attorney’s bill (for what services, to whom +rendered, and when, whether at the siege of Jerusalem, at the building +of the second Temple, or on some earlier occasion, I have not yet been +able to discover). How many perches this bill measured I really forget; +but I still keep it in a cabinet of natural curiosities, and some time +or other I believe I shall present it to the British Museum. + +{5} The Bristol mail is the best appointed in the Kingdom, owing to the +double advantages of an unusually good road and of an extra sum for the +expenses subscribed by the Bristol merchants. + +{6} It will be objected that many men, of the highest rank and wealth, +have in our own day, as well as throughout our history, been amongst +the foremost in courting danger in battle. True; but this is not the +case supposed; long familiarity with power has to them deadened its +effect and its attractions. + +{7} Φιλον υπνη θελyητρον επικουρον νοσον. + +{8} ηδυ δουλευμα. EURIP. Orest. + +{9} αναξανδρων ’Αyαμεμνων. + +{10} ομμα θεισ’ ειτω πεπλων. The scholar will know that throughout this +passage I refer to the early scenes of the Orestes; one of the most +beautiful exhibitions of the domestic affections which even the dramas +of Euripides can furnish. To the English reader it may be necessary to +say that the situation at the opening of the drama is that of a brother +attended only by his sister during the demoniacal possession of a +suffering conscience (or, in the mythology of the play, haunted by the +Furies), and in circumstances of immediate danger from enemies, and of +desertion or cold regard from nominal friends. + +{11} _Evanesced_: this way of going off the stage of life appears to +have been well known in the 17th century, but at that time to have been +considered a peculiar privilege of blood-royal, and by no means to be +allowed to druggists. For about the year 1686 a poet of rather ominous +name (and who, by-the-bye, did ample justice to his name), viz., Mr. +_Flat-man_, in speaking of the death of Charles II. expresses his +surprise that any prince should commit so absurd an act as dying, +because, says he, + +“Kings should disdain to die, and only _disappear_.” + + +They should _abscond_, that is, into the other world. + +{12} Of this, however, the learned appear latterly to have doubted; for +in a pirated edition of Buchan’s _Domestic Medicine_, which I once saw +in the hands of a farmer’s wife, who was studying it for the benefit of +her health, the Doctor was made to say—“Be particularly careful never +to take above five-and-twenty _ounces_ of laudanum at once;” the true +reading being probably five-and-twenty _drops_, which are held equal to +about one grain of crude opium. + +{13} Amongst the great herd of travellers, &c., who show sufficiently +by their stupidity that they never held any intercourse with opium, I +must caution my readers specially against the brilliant author of +_Anastasius_. This gentleman, whose wit would lead one to presume him +an opium-eater, has made it impossible to consider him in that +character, from the grievous misrepresentation which he gives of its +effects at pp. 215-17 of vol. i. Upon consideration it must appear such +to the author himself, for, waiving the errors I have insisted on in +the text, which (and others) are adopted in the fullest manner, he will +himself admit that an old gentleman “with a snow-white beard,” who eats +“ample doses of opium,” and is yet able to deliver what is meant and +received as very weighty counsel on the bad effects of that practice, +is but an indifferent evidence that opium either kills people +prematurely or sends them into a madhouse. But for my part, I see into +this old gentleman and his motives: the fact is, he was enamoured of +“the little golden receptacle of the pernicious drug” which Anastasius +carried about him; and no way of obtaining it so safe and so feasible +occurred as that of frightening its owner out of his wits (which, by +the bye, are none of the strongest). This commentary throws a new light +upon the case, and greatly improves it as a story; for the old +gentleman’s speech, considered as a lecture on pharmacy, is highly +absurd; but considered as a hoax on Anastasius, it reads excellently. + +{14} I have not the book at this moment to consult; but I think the +passage begins—“And even that tavern music, which makes one man merry, +another mad, in me strikes a deep fit of devotion,” &c. + +{15} A handsome newsroom, of which I was very politely made free in +passing through Manchester by several gentlemen of that place, is +called, I think, _The Porch_; whence I, who am a stranger in +Manchester, inferred that the subscribers meant to profess themselves +followers of Zeno. But I have been since assured that this is a +mistake. + +{16} I here reckon twenty-five drops of laudanum as equivalent to one +grain of opium, which, I believe, is the common estimate. However, as +both may be considered variable quantities (the crude opium varying +much in strength, and the tincture still more), I suppose that no +infinitesimal accuracy can be had in such a calculation. Teaspoons vary +as much in size as opium in strength. Small ones hold about 100 drops; +so that 8,000 drops are about eighty times a teaspoonful. The reader +sees how much I kept within Dr. Buchan’s indulgent allowance. + +{17} This, however, is not a necessary conclusion; the varieties of +effect produced by opium on different constitutions are infinite. A +London magistrate (Harriott’s _Struggles through Life_, vol. iii. p. +391, third edition) has recorded that, on the first occasion of his +trying laudanum for the gout he took _forty_ drops, the next night +_sixty_, and on the fifth night _eighty_, without any effect whatever; +and this at an advanced age. I have an anecdote from a country surgeon, +however, which sinks Mr. Harriott’s case into a trifle; and in my +projected medical treatise on opium, which I will publish provided the +College of Surgeons will pay me for enlightening their benighted +understandings upon this subject, I will relate it; but it is far too +good a story to be published gratis. + +{18} See the common accounts in any Eastern traveller or voyager of the +frantic excesses committed by Malays who have taken opium, or are +reduced to desperation by ill-luck at gambling. + +{19} The reader must remember what I here mean by _thinking_, because +else this would be a very presumptuous expression. England, of late, +has been rich to excess in fine thinkers, in the departments of +creative and combining thought; but there is a sad dearth of masculine +thinkers in any analytic path. A Scotchman of eminent name has lately +told us that he is obliged to quit even mathematics for want of +encouragement. + +{20} William Lithgow. His book (Travels, &c.) is ill and pedantically +written; but the account of his own sufferings on the rack at Malaga is +overpoweringly affecting. + +{21} In saying this I mean no disrespect to the individual house, as +the reader will understand when I tell him that, with the exception of +one or two princely mansions, and some few inferior ones that have been +coated with Roman cement, I am not acquainted with any house in this +mountainous district which is wholly waterproof. The architecture of +books, I flatter myself, is conducted on just principles in this +country; but for any other architecture, it is in a barbarous state, +and what is worse, in a retrograde state. + +{22} On which last notice I would remark that mine was _too_ rapid, and +the suffering therefore needlessly aggravated; or rather, perhaps, it +was not sufficiently continuous and equably graduated. But that the +reader may judge for himself, and above all that the Opium-eater, who +is preparing to retire from business, may have every sort of +information before him, I subjoin my diary:— + + +First Week Second Week + Drops of Laud. Drops of Laud. +Mond. June 24 ... 130 Mond. July 1 ... 80 + 25 ... 140 2 ... 80 + 26 ... 130 3 ... 90 + 27 ... 80 4 ... 100 + 28 ... 80 5 ... 80 + 29 ... 80 6 ... 80 + 30 ... 80 7 ... 80 +Third Week Fourth Week +Mond. July 8 ... 300 Mond. July 15 ... 76 + 9 ... 50 16 ... 73.5 + 10 } 17 ... 73.5 + 11 } Hiatus in 18 ... 70 + 12 } MS. 19 ... 240 + 13 } 20 ... 80 + 14 ... 76 21 ... 350 +Fifth Week +Mond. July 22 ... 60 + 23 ... none. + 24 ... none. + 25 ... none. + 26 ... 200 + 27 ... none. + + +What mean these abrupt relapses, the reader will ask perhaps, to such +numbers as 300, 350, &c.? The _impulse_ to these relapses was mere +infirmity of purpose; the _motive_, where any motive blended with this +impulse, was either the principle, of “_reculer pour mieux sauter_;” +(for under the torpor of a large dose, which lasted for a day or two, a +less quantity satisfied the stomach, which on awakening found itself +partly accustomed to this new ration); or else it was this +principle—that of sufferings otherwise equal, those will be borne best +which meet with a mood of anger. Now, whenever I ascended to my large +dose I was furiously incensed on the following day, and could then have +borne anything. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER *** + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the +United States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +concept and trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online +at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you +are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the +country where you are located before using this eBook. +</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Confessions of an English Opium-Eater</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Thomas De Quincey</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: January, 2000 [eBook #2040]<br /> +[Most recently updated: November 12, 2022]</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: David Price</div> +<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER ***</div> + +<h1>CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER:</h1> + +<h3>BEING AN EXTRACT FROM THE<br/> +LIFE OF A SCHOLAR.</h3> + +<h2 class="no-break">by Thomas De Quincey</h2> + +<p> +<i>From the “London Magazine” for September</i> 1821. +</p> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>TO THE READER</h2> + +<p> +I here present you, courteous reader, with the record of a remarkable period in +my life: according to my application of it, I trust that it will prove not +merely an interesting record, but in a considerable degree useful and +instructive. In <i>that</i> hope it is that I have drawn it up; and <i>that</i> +must be my apology for breaking through that delicate and honourable reserve +which, for the most part, restrains us from the public exposure of our own +errors and infirmities. Nothing, indeed, is more revolting to English feelings +than the spectacle of a human being obtruding on our notice his moral ulcers or +scars, and tearing away that “decent drapery” which time or indulgence to human +frailty may have drawn over them; accordingly, the greater part of <i>our</i> +confessions (that is, spontaneous and extra-judicial confessions) proceed from +demireps, adventurers, or swindlers: and for any such acts of gratuitous +self-humiliation from those who can be supposed in sympathy with the decent and +self-respecting part of society, we must look to French literature, or to that +part of the German which is tainted with the spurious and defective sensibility +of the French. All this I feel so forcibly, and so nervously am I alive to +reproach of this tendency, that I have for many months hesitated about the +propriety of allowing this or any part of my narrative to come before the +public eye until after my death (when, for many reasons, the whole will be +published); and it is not without an anxious review of the reasons for and +against this step that I have at last concluded on taking it. +</p> + +<p> +Guilt and misery shrink, by a natural instinct, from public notice: they court +privacy and solitude: and even in their choice of a grave will sometimes +sequester themselves from the general population of the churchyard, as if +declining to claim fellowship with the great family of man, and wishing (in the +affecting language of Mr. Wordsworth) +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +“—Humbly to express<br/> +A penitential loneliness.” +</p> + +<p> +It is well, upon the whole, and for the interest of us all, that it should be +so: nor would I willingly in my own person manifest a disregard of such +salutary feelings, nor in act or word do anything to weaken them; but, on the +one hand, as my self-accusation does not amount to a confession of guilt, so, +on the other, it is possible that, if it <i>did</i>, the benefit resulting to +others from the record of an experience purchased at so heavy a price might +compensate, by a vast overbalance, for any violence done to the feelings I have +noticed, and justify a breach of the general rule. Infirmity and misery do not +of necessity imply guilt. They approach or recede from shades of that dark +alliance, in proportion to the probable motives and prospects of the offender, +and the palliations, known or secret, of the offence; in proportion as the +temptations to it were potent from the first, and the resistance to it, in act +or in effort, was earnest to the last. For my own part, without breach of truth +or modesty, I may affirm that my life has been, on the whole, the life of a +philosopher: from my birth I was made an intellectual creature, and +intellectual in the highest sense my pursuits and pleasures have been, even +from my schoolboy days. If opium-eating be a sensual pleasure, and if I am +bound to confess that I have indulged in it to an excess not yet +<i>recorded</i> <a name="citation1"></a><a href="#footnote1">{1}</a> of any +other man, it is no less true that I have struggled against this fascinating +enthralment with a religious zeal, and have at length accomplished what I never +yet heard attributed to any other man—have untwisted, almost to its final +links, the accursed chain which fettered me. Such a self-conquest may +reasonably be set off in counterbalance to any kind or degree of +self-indulgence. Not to insist that in my case the self-conquest was +unquestionable, the self-indulgence open to doubts of casuistry, according as +that name shall be extended to acts aiming at the bare relief of pain, or shall +be restricted to such as aim at the excitement of positive pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +Guilt, therefore, I do not acknowledge; and if I did, it is possible that I +might still resolve on the present act of confession in consideration of the +service which I may thereby render to the whole class of opium-eaters. But who +are they? Reader, I am sorry to say a very numerous class indeed. Of this I +became convinced some years ago by computing at that time the number of those +in one small class of English society (the class of men distinguished for +talents, or of eminent station) who were known to me, directly or indirectly, +as opium-eaters; such, for instance, as the eloquent and benevolent ——, the +late Dean of ——, Lord ——, Mr. —— the philosopher, a late Under-Secretary of +State (who described to me the sensation which first drove him to the use of +opium in the very same words as the Dean of ——, viz., “that he felt as though +rats were gnawing and abrading the coats of his stomach”), Mr. ——, and many +others hardly less known, whom it would be tedious to mention. Now, if one +class, comparatively so limited, could furnish so many scores of cases (and +<i>that</i> within the knowledge of one single inquirer), it was a natural +inference that the entire population of England would furnish a proportionable +number. The soundness of this inference, however, I doubted, until some facts +became known to me which satisfied me that it was not incorrect. I will mention +two. (1) Three respectable London druggists, in widely remote quarters of +London, from whom I happened lately to be purchasing small quantities of opium, +assured me that the number of <i>amateur</i> opium-eaters (as I may term them) +was at this time immense; and that the difficulty of distinguishing those +persons to whom habit had rendered opium necessary from such as were purchasing +it with a view to suicide, occasioned them daily trouble and disputes. This +evidence respected London only. But (2)—which will possibly surprise the +reader more—some years ago, on passing through Manchester, I was informed +by several cotton manufacturers that their workpeople were rapidly getting into +the practice of opium-eating; so much so, that on a Saturday afternoon the +counters of the druggists were strewed with pills of one, two, or three grains, +in preparation for the known demand of the evening. The immediate occasion of +this practice was the lowness of wages, which at that time would not allow them +to indulge in ale or spirits, and wages rising, it may be thought that this +practice would cease; but as I do not readily believe that any man having once +tasted the divine luxuries of opium will afterwards descend to the gross and +mortal enjoyments of alcohol, I take it for granted +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +That those eat now who never ate before;<br/> +And those who always ate, now eat the more. +</p> + +<p> +Indeed, the fascinating powers of opium are admitted even by medical writers, +who are its greatest enemies. Thus, for instance, Awsiter, apothecary to +Greenwich Hospital, in his “Essay on the Effects of Opium” (published in the +year 1763), when attempting to explain why Mead had not been sufficiently +explicit on the properties, counteragents, &c., of this drug, expresses +himself in the following mysterious terms +(φωναντα +συνετοισι): “Perhaps he +thought the subject of too delicate a nature to be made common; and as many +people might then indiscriminately use it, it would take from that necessary +fear and caution which should prevent their experiencing the extensive power of +this drug, <i>for there are many properties in it, if universally known, that +would habituate the use, and make it more in request with us than with Turks +themselves</i>; the result of which knowledge,” he adds, “must prove a general +misfortune.” In the necessity of this conclusion I do not altogether concur; +but upon that point I shall have occasion to speak at the close of my +Confessions, where I shall present the reader with the <i>moral</i> of my +narrative. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>PRELIMINARY CONFESSIONS</h2> + +<p> +These preliminary confessions, or introductory narrative of the youthful +adventures which laid the foundation of the writer’s habit of opium-eating in +after-life, it has been judged proper to premise, for three several reasons: +</p> + +<p> +1. As forestalling that question, and giving it a satisfactory answer, which +else would painfully obtrude itself in the course of the Opium +Confessions—“How came any reasonable being to subject himself to such a +yoke of misery; voluntarily to incur a captivity so servile, and knowingly to +fetter himself with such a sevenfold chain?”—a question which, if not +somewhere plausibly resolved, could hardly fail, by the indignation which it +would be apt to raise as against an act of wanton folly, to interfere with that +degree of sympathy which is necessary in any case to an author’s purposes. +</p> + +<p> +2. As furnishing a key to some parts of that tremendous scenery which +afterwards peopled the dreams of the Opium-eater. +</p> + +<p> +3. As creating some previous interest of a personal sort in the confessing +subject, apart from the matter of the confessions, which cannot fail to render +the confessions themselves more interesting. If a man “whose talk is of oxen” +should become an opium-eater, the probability is that (if he is not too dull to +dream at all) he will dream about oxen; whereas, in the case before him, the +reader will find that the Opium-eater boasteth himself to be a philosopher; and +accordingly, that the phantasmagoria of <i>his</i> dreams (waking or sleeping, +day-dreams or night-dreams) is suitable to one who in that character +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +Humani nihil a se alienum putat. +</p> + +<p> +For amongst the conditions which he deems indispensable to the sustaining of +any claim to the title of philosopher is not merely the possession of a superb +intellect in its <i>analytic</i> functions (in which part of the pretensions, +however, England can for some generations show but few claimants; at least, he +is not aware of any known candidate for this honour who can be styled +emphatically <i>a subtle thinker</i>, with the exception of <i>Samuel Taylor +Coleridge</i>, and in a narrower department of thought with the recent +illustrious exception <a name="citation2"></a><a href="#footnote2">{2}</a> of +<i>David Ricardo</i>) but also on such a constitution of the <i>moral</i> +faculties as shall give him an inner eye and power of intuition for the vision +and the mysteries of our human nature: <i>that</i> constitution of faculties, +in short, which (amongst all the generations of men that from the beginning of +time have deployed into life, as it were, upon this planet) our English poets +have possessed in the highest degree, and Scottish professors <a +name="citation3"></a><a href="#footnote3">{3}</a> in the lowest. +</p> + +<p> +I have often been asked how I first came to be a regular opium-eater, and have +suffered, very unjustly, in the opinion of my acquaintance from being reputed +to have brought upon myself all the sufferings which I shall have to record, by +a long course of indulgence in this practice purely for the sake of creating an +artificial state of pleasurable excitement. This, however, is a +misrepresentation of my case. True it is that for nearly ten years I did +occasionally take opium for the sake of the exquisite pleasure it gave me; but +so long as I took it with this view I was effectually protected from all +material bad consequences by the necessity of interposing long intervals +between the several acts of indulgence, in order to renew the pleasurable +sensations. It was not for the purpose of creating pleasure, but of mitigating +pain in the severest degree, that I first began to use opium as an article of +daily diet. In the twenty-eighth year of my age a most painful affection of the +stomach, which I had first experienced about ten years before, attacked me in +great strength. This affection had originally been caused by extremities of +hunger, suffered in my boyish days. During the season of hope and redundant +happiness which succeeded (that is, from eighteen to twenty-four) it had +slumbered; for the three following years it had revived at intervals; and now, +under unfavourable circumstances, from depression of spirits, it attacked me +with a violence that yielded to no remedies but opium. As the youthful +sufferings which first produced this derangement of the stomach were +interesting in themselves, and in the circumstances that attended them, I shall +here briefly retrace them. +</p> + +<p> +My father died when I was about seven years old, and left me to the care of +four guardians. I was sent to various schools, great and small; and was very +early distinguished for my classical attainments, especially for my knowledge +of Greek. At thirteen I wrote Greek with ease; and at fifteen my command of +that language was so great that I not only composed Greek verses in lyric +metres, but could converse in Greek fluently and without embarrassment—an +accomplishment which I have not since met with in any scholar of my times, and +which in my case was owing to the practice of daily reading off the newspapers +into the best Greek I could furnish <i>extempore</i>; for the necessity of +ransacking my memory and invention for all sorts and combinations of +periphrastic expressions as equivalents for modern ideas, images, relations of +things, &c., gave me a compass of diction which would never have been +called out by a dull translation of moral essays, &c. “That boy,” said one +of my masters, pointing the attention of a stranger to me, “that boy could +harangue an Athenian mob better than you and I could address an English one.” +He who honoured me with this eulogy was a scholar, “and a ripe and a good one,” +and of all my tutors was the only one whom I loved or reverenced. Unfortunately +for me (and, as I afterwards learned, to this worthy man’s great indignation), +I was transferred to the care, first of a blockhead, who was in a perpetual +panic lest I should expose his ignorance; and finally to that of a respectable +scholar at the head of a great school on an ancient foundation. This man had +been appointed to his situation by —— College, Oxford, and was a sound, +well-built scholar, but (like most men whom I have known from that college) +coarse, clumsy, and inelegant. A miserable contrast he presented, in my eyes, +to the Etonian brilliancy of my favourite master; and beside, he could not +disguise from my hourly notice the poverty and meagreness of his understanding. +It is a bad thing for a boy to be and to know himself far beyond his tutors, +whether in knowledge or in power of mind. This was the case, so far as regarded +knowledge at least, not with myself only, for the two boys, who jointly with +myself composed the first form, were better Grecians than the head-master, +though not more elegant scholars, nor at all more accustomed to sacrifice to +the Graces. When I first entered I remember that we read Sophocles; and it was +a constant matter of triumph to us, the learned triumvirate of the first form, +to see our “Archididascalus” (as he loved to be called) conning our lessons +before we went up, and laying a regular train, with lexicon and grammar, for +blowing up and blasting (as it were) any difficulties he found in the choruses; +whilst <i>we</i> never condescended to open our books until the moment of going +up, and were generally employed in writing epigrams upon his wig or some such +important matter. My two class-fellows were poor, and dependent for their +future prospects at the university on the recommendation of the head-master; +but I, who had a small patrimonial property, the income of which was sufficient +to support me at college, wished to be sent thither immediately. I made earnest +representations on the subject to my guardians, but all to no purpose. One, who +was more reasonable and had more knowledge of the world than the rest, lived at +a distance; two of the other three resigned all their authority into the hands +of the fourth; and this fourth, with whom I had to negotiate, was a worthy man +in his way, but haughty, obstinate, and intolerant of all opposition to his +will. After a certain number of letters and personal interviews, I found that I +had nothing to hope for, not even a compromise of the matter, from my guardian. +Unconditional submission was what he demanded, and I prepared myself, +therefore, for other measures. Summer was now coming on with hasty steps, and +my seventeenth birthday was fast approaching, after which day I had sworn +within myself that I would no longer be numbered amongst schoolboys. Money +being what I chiefly wanted, I wrote to a woman of high rank, who, though young +herself, had known me from a child, and had latterly treated me with great +distinction, requesting that she would “lend” me five guineas. For upwards of a +week no answer came, and I was beginning to despond, when at length a servant +put into my hands a double letter with a coronet on the seal. The letter was +kind and obliging. The fair writer was on the sea-coast, and in that way the +delay had arisen; she enclosed double of what I had asked, and good-naturedly +hinted that if I should <i>never</i> repay her, it would not absolutely ruin +her. Now, then, I was prepared for my scheme. Ten guineas, added to about two +which I had remaining from my pocket-money, seemed to me sufficient for an +indefinite length of time; and at that happy age, if no <i>definite</i> +boundary can be assigned to one’s power, the spirit of hope and pleasure makes +it virtually infinite. +</p> + +<p> +It is a just remark of Dr. Johnson’s (and, what cannot often be said of his +remarks, it is a very feeling one), that we never do anything consciously for +the last time (of things, that is, which we have long been in the habit of +doing) without sadness of heart. This truth I felt deeply when I came to leave +——, a place which I did not love, and where I had not been happy. On the +evening before I left —— for ever, I grieved when the ancient and lofty +schoolroom resounded with the evening service, performed for the last time in +my hearing; and at night, when the muster-roll of names was called over, and +mine (as usual) was called first, I stepped forward, and passing the +head-master, who was standing by, I bowed to him, and looked earnestly in his +face, thinking to myself, “He is old and infirm, and in this world I shall not +see him again.” I was right; I never <i>did</i> see him again, nor ever shall. +He looked at me complacently, smiled good-naturedly, returned my salutation (or +rather my valediction), and we parted (though he knew it not) for ever. I could +not reverence him intellectually, but he had been uniformly kind to me, and had +allowed me many indulgences; and I grieved at the thought of the mortification +I should inflict upon him. +</p> + +<p> +The morning came which was to launch me into the world, and from which my whole +succeeding life has in many important points taken its colouring. I lodged in +the head-master’s house, and had been allowed from my first entrance the +indulgence of a private room, which I used both as a sleeping-room and as a +study. At half after three I rose, and gazed with deep emotion at the ancient +towers of ——, “drest in earliest light,” and beginning to crimson with the +radiant lustre of a cloudless July morning. I was firm and immovable in my +purpose; but yet agitated by anticipation of uncertain danger and troubles; and +if I could have foreseen the hurricane and perfect hail-storm of affliction +which soon fell upon me, well might I have been agitated. To this agitation the +deep peace of the morning presented an affecting contrast, and in some degree a +medicine. The silence was more profound than that of midnight; and to me the +silence of a summer morning is more touching than all other silence, because, +the light being broad and strong as that of noonday at other seasons of the +year, it seems to differ from perfect day chiefly because man is not yet +abroad; and thus the peace of nature and of the innocent creatures of God seems +to be secure and deep only so long as the presence of man and his restless and +unquiet spirit are not there to trouble its sanctity. I dressed myself, took my +hat and gloves, and lingered a little in the room. For the last year and a half +this room had been my “pensive citadel”: here I had read and studied through +all the hours of night, and though true it was that for the latter part of this +time I, who was framed for love and gentle affections, had lost my gaiety and +happiness during the strife and fever of contention with my guardian, yet, on +the other hand, as a boy so passionately fond of books, and dedicated to +intellectual pursuits, I could not fail to have enjoyed many happy hours in the +midst of general dejection. I wept as I looked round on the chair, hearth, +writing-table, and other familiar objects, knowing too certainly that I looked +upon them for the last time. Whilst I write this it is eighteen years ago, and +yet at this moment I see distinctly, as if it were yesterday, the lineaments +and expression of the object on which I fixed my parting gaze. It was a picture +of the lovely ——, which hung over the mantelpiece, the eyes and mouth of which +were so beautiful, and the whole countenance so radiant with benignity and +divine tranquillity, that I had a thousand times laid down my pen or my book to +gather consolation from it, as a devotee from his patron saint. Whilst I was +yet gazing upon it the deep tones of —— clock proclaimed that it was four +o’clock. I went up to the picture, kissed it, and then gently walked out and +closed the door for ever! +</p> + +<hr /> + +<p> +So blended and intertwisted in this life are occasions of laughter and of +tears, that I cannot yet recall without smiling an incident which occurred at +that time, and which had nearly put a stop to the immediate execution of my +plan. I had a trunk of immense weight, for, besides my clothes, it contained +nearly all my library. The difficulty was to get this removed to a carrier’s: +my room was at an aërial elevation in the house, and (what was worse) the +staircase which communicated with this angle of the building was accessible +only by a gallery, which passed the head-master’s chamber door. I was a +favourite with all the servants, and knowing that any of them would screen me +and act confidentially, I communicated my embarrassment to a groom of the +head-master’s. The groom swore he would do anything I wished, and when the time +arrived went upstairs to bring the trunk down. This I feared was beyond the +strength of any one man; however, the groom was a man +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +Of Atlantean shoulders, fit to bear<br/> +The weight of mightiest monarchies; +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +and had a back as spacious as Salisbury Plain. Accordingly he persisted in +bringing down the trunk alone, whilst I stood waiting at the foot of the last +flight in anxiety for the event. For some time I heard him descending with slow +and firm steps; but unfortunately, from his trepidation, as he drew near the +dangerous quarter, within a few steps of the gallery, his foot slipped, and the +mighty burden falling from his shoulders, gained such increase of impetus at +each step of the descent, that on reaching the bottom it trundled, or rather +leaped, right across, with the noise of twenty devils, against the very bedroom +door of the Archididascalus. My first thought was that all was lost, and that +my only chance for executing a retreat was to sacrifice my baggage. However, on +reflection I determined to abide the issue. The groom was in the utmost alarm, +both on his own account and on mine, but, in spite of this, so irresistibly had +the sense of the ludicrous in this unhappy <i>contretemps</i> taken possession +of his fancy, that he sang out a long, loud, and canorous peal of laughter, +that might have wakened the Seven Sleepers. At the sound of this resonant +merriment, within the very ears of insulted authority, I could not myself +forbear joining in it; subdued to this, not so much by the unhappy +<i>étourderie</i> of the trunk, as by the effect it had upon the groom. We both +expected, as a matter of course, that Dr. —— would sally, out of his room, for +in general, if but a mouse stirred, he sprang out like a mastiff from his +kennel. Strange to say, however, on this occasion, when the noise of laughter +had ceased, no sound, or rustling even, was to be heard in the bedroom. Dr. —— +had a painful complaint, which, sometimes keeping him awake, made his sleep +perhaps, when it did come, the deeper. Gathering courage from the silence, the +groom hoisted his burden again, and accomplished the remainder of his descent +without accident. I waited until I saw the trunk placed on a wheelbarrow and on +its road to the carrier’s; then, “with Providence my guide,” I set off on foot, +carrying a small parcel with some articles of dress under my arm; a favourite +English poet in one pocket, and a small 12mo volume, containing about nine +plays of Euripides, in the other. +</p> + +<p> +It had been my intention originally to proceed to Westmoreland, both from the +love I bore to that country and on other personal accounts. Accident, however, +gave a different direction to my wanderings, and I bent my steps towards North +Wales. +</p> + +<p> +After wandering about for some time in Denbighshire, Merionethshire, and +Carnarvonshire, I took lodgings in a small neat house in B——. Here I might +have stayed with great comfort for many weeks, for provisions were cheap at +B——, from the scarcity of other markets for the surplus produce of a wide +agricultural district. An accident, however, in which perhaps no offence was +designed, drove me out to wander again. I know not whether my reader may have +remarked, but I have often remarked, that the proudest class of people in +England (or at any rate the class whose pride is most apparent) are the +families of bishops. Noblemen and their children carry about with them, in +their very titles, a sufficient notification of their rank. Nay, their very +names (and this applies also to the children of many untitled houses) are +often, to the English ear, adequate exponents of high birth or descent. +Sackville, Manners, Fitzroy, Paulet, Cavendish, and scores of others, tell +their own tale. Such persons, therefore, find everywhere a due sense of their +claims already established, except among those who are ignorant of the world by +virtue of their own obscurity: “Not to know <i>them</i>, argues one’s self +unknown.” Their manners take a suitable tone and colouring, and for once they +find it necessary to impress a sense of their consequence upon others, they +meet with a thousand occasions for moderating and tempering this sense by acts +of courteous condescension. With the families of bishops it is otherwise: with +them, it is all uphill work to make known their pretensions; for the proportion +of the episcopal bench taken from noble families is not at any time very large, +and the succession to these dignities is so rapid that the public ear seldom +has time to become familiar with them, unless where they are connected with +some literary reputation. Hence it is that the children of bishops carry about +with them an austere and repulsive air, indicative of claims not generally +acknowledged, a sort of <i>noli me tangere</i> manner, nervously apprehensive +of too familiar approach, and shrinking with the sensitiveness of a gouty man +from all contact with the οι +πολλοι. Doubtless, a powerful +understanding, or unusual goodness of nature, will preserve a man from such +weakness, but in general the truth of my representation will be acknowledged; +pride, if not of deeper root in such families, appears at least more upon the +surface of their manners. This spirit of manners naturally communicates itself +to their domestics and other dependants. Now, my landlady had been a lady’s +maid or a nurse in the family of the Bishop of ——, and had but lately married +away and “settled” (as such people express it) for life. In a little town like +B——, merely to have lived in the bishop’s family conferred some distinction; +and my good landlady had rather more than her share of the pride I have noticed +on that score. What “my lord” said and what “my lord” did, how useful he was in +Parliament and how indispensable at Oxford, formed the daily burden of her +talk. All this I bore very well, for I was too good-natured to laugh in +anybody’s face, and I could make an ample allowance for the garrulity of an old +servant. Of necessity, however, I must have appeared in her eyes very +inadequately impressed with the bishop’s importance, and, perhaps to punish me +for my indifference, or possibly by accident, she one day repeated to me a +conversation in which I was indirectly a party concerned. She had been to the +palace to pay her respects to the family, and, dinner being over, was summoned +into the dining-room. In giving an account of her household economy she +happened to mention that she had let her apartments. Thereupon the good bishop +(it seemed) had taken occasion to caution her as to her selection of inmates, +“for,” said he, “you must recollect, Betty, that this place is in the high road +to the Head; so that multitudes of Irish swindlers running away from their +debts into England, and of English swindlers running away from their debts to +the Isle of Man, are likely to take this place in their route.” This advice +certainly was not without reasonable grounds, but rather fitted to be stored up +for Mrs. Betty’s private meditations than specially reported to me. What +followed, however, was somewhat worse. “Oh, my lord,” answered my landlady +(according to her own representation of the matter), “I really don’t think this +young gentleman is a swindler, because ——” “You don’t <i>think</i> me a +swindler?” said I, interrupting her, in a tumult of indignation: “for the +future I shall spare you the trouble of thinking about it.” And without delay I +prepared for my departure. Some concessions the good woman seemed disposed to +make; but a harsh and contemptuous expression, which I fear that I applied to +the learned dignitary himself, roused her indignation in turn, and +reconciliation then became impossible. I was indeed greatly irritated at the +bishop’s having suggested any grounds of suspicion, however remotely, against a +person whom he had never seen; and I thought of letting him know my mind in +Greek, which, at the same time that it would furnish some presumption that I +was no swindler, would also (I hoped) compel the bishop to reply in the same +language; in which case I doubted not to make it appear that if I was not so +rich as his lordship, I was a far better Grecian. Calmer thoughts, however, +drove this boyish design out of my mind; for I considered that the bishop was +in the right to counsel an old servant; that he could not have designed that +his advice should be reported to me; and that the same coarseness of mind which +had led Mrs. Betty to repeat the advice at all, might have coloured it in a way +more agreeable to her own style of thinking than to the actual expressions of +the worthy bishop. +</p> + +<p> +I left the lodgings the very same hour, and this turned out a very unfortunate +occurrence for me, because, living henceforward at inns, I was drained of my +money very rapidly. In a fortnight I was reduced to short allowance; that is, I +could allow myself only one meal a day. From the keen appetite produced by +constant exercise and mountain air, acting on a youthful stomach, I soon began +to suffer greatly on this slender regimen, for the single meal which I could +venture to order was coffee or tea. Even this, however, was at length +withdrawn; and afterwards, so long as I remained in Wales, I subsisted either +on blackberries, hips, haws, &c., or on the casual hospitalities which I +now and then received in return for such little services as I had an +opportunity of rendering. Sometimes I wrote letters of business for cottagers +who happened to have relatives in Liverpool or in London; more often I wrote +love-letters to their sweethearts for young women who had lived as servants at +Shrewsbury or other towns on the English border. On all such occasions I gave +great satisfaction to my humble friends, and was generally treated with +hospitality; and once in particular, near the village of Llan-y-styndw (or some +such name), in a sequestered part of Merionethshire, I was entertained for +upwards of three days by a family of young people with an affectionate and +fraternal kindness that left an impression upon my heart not yet impaired. The +family consisted at that time of four sisters and three brothers, all grown up, +and all remarkable for elegance and delicacy of manners. So much beauty, and so +much native good breeding and refinement, I do not remember to have seen before +or since in any cottage, except once or twice in Westmoreland and Devonshire. +They spoke English, an accomplishment not often met with in so many members of +one family, especially in villages remote from the high road. Here I wrote, on +my first introduction, a letter about prize-money, for one of the brothers, who +had served on board an English man-of-war; and, more privately, two +love-letters for two of the sisters. They were both interesting-looking girls, +and one of uncommon loveliness. In the midst of their confusion and blushes, +whilst dictating, or rather giving me general instructions, it did not require +any great penetration to discover that what they wished was that their letters +should be as kind as was consistent with proper maidenly pride. I contrived so +to temper my expressions as to reconcile the gratification of both feelings; +and they were as much pleased with the way in which I had expressed their +thoughts as (in their simplicity) they were astonished at my having so readily +discovered them. The reception one meets with from the women of a family +generally determines the tenor of one’s whole entertainment. In this case I had +discharged my confidential duties as secretary so much to the general +satisfaction, perhaps also amusing them with my conversation, that I was +pressed to stay with a cordiality which I had little inclination to resist. I +slept with the brothers, the only unoccupied bed standing in the apartment of +the young women; but in all other points they treated me with a respect not +usually paid to purses as light as mine—as if my scholarship were +sufficient evidence that I was of “gentle blood.” Thus I lived with them for +three days and great part of a fourth; and, from the undiminished kindness +which they continued to show me, I believe I might have stayed with them up to +this time, if their power had corresponded with their wishes. On the last +morning, however, I perceived upon their countenances, as they sate at +breakfast, the expression of some unpleasant communication which was at hand; +and soon after, one of the brothers explained to me that their parents had +gone, the day before my arrival, to an annual meeting of Methodists, held at +Carnarvon, and were that day expected to return; “and if they should not be so +civil as they ought to be,” he begged, on the part of all the young people, +that I would not take it amiss. The parents returned with churlish faces, and +“<i>Dym Sassenach</i>” (<i>no English</i>) in answer to all my addresses. I saw +how matters stood; and so, taking an affectionate leave of my kind and +interesting young hosts, I went my way; for, though they spoke warmly to their +parents in my behalf, and often excused the manner of the old people by saying +it was “only their way,” yet I easily understood that my talent for writing +love-letters would do as little to recommend me with two grave sexagenarian +Welsh Methodists as my Greek sapphics or alcaics; and what had been hospitality +when offered to me with the gracious courtesy of my young friends, would become +charity when connected with the harsh demeanour of these old people. Certainly, +Mr. Shelley is right in his notions about old age: unless powerfully +counteracted by all sorts of opposite agencies, it is a miserable corrupter and +blighter to the genial charities of the human heart. +</p> + +<p> +Soon after this I contrived, by means which I must omit for want of room, to +transfer myself to London. And now began the latter and fiercer stage of my +long sufferings; without using a disproportionate expression I might say, of my +agony. For I now suffered, for upwards of sixteen weeks, the physical anguish +of hunger in various degrees of intensity; but as bitter, perhaps, as ever any +human being can have suffered who has survived it. I would not needlessly +harass my reader’s feelings by a detail of all that I endured; for extremities +such as these, under any circumstances of heaviest misconduct or guilt, cannot +be contemplated, even in description, without a rueful pity that is painful to +the natural goodness of the human heart. Let it suffice, at least on this +occasion, to say that a few fragments of bread from the breakfast-table of one +individual (who supposed me to be ill, but did not know of my being in utter +want), and these at uncertain intervals, constituted my whole support. During +the former part of my sufferings (that is, generally in Wales, and always for +the first two months in London) I was houseless, and very seldom slept under a +roof. To this constant exposure to the open air I ascribe it mainly that I did +not sink under my torments. Latterly, however, when colder and more inclement +weather came on, and when, from the length of my sufferings, I had begun to +sink into a more languishing condition, it was no doubt fortunate for me that +the same person to whose breakfast-table I had access, allowed me to sleep in a +large unoccupied house of which he was tenant. Unoccupied I call it, for there +was no household or establishment in it; nor any furniture, indeed, except a +table and a few chairs. But I found, on taking possession of my new quarters, +that the house already contained one single inmate, a poor friendless child, +apparently ten years old; but she seemed hunger-bitten, and sufferings of that +sort often make children look older than they are. From this forlorn child I +learned that she had slept and lived there alone for some time before I came; +and great joy the poor creature expressed when she found that I was in future +to be her companion through the hours of darkness. The house was large, and, +from the want of furniture, the noise of the rats made a prodigious echoing on +the spacious staircase and hall; and amidst the real fleshly ills of cold and, +I fear, hunger, the forsaken child had found leisure to suffer still more (it +appeared) from the self-created one of ghosts. I promised her protection +against all ghosts whatsoever, but alas! I could offer her no other assistance. +We lay upon the floor, with a bundle of cursed law papers for a pillow, but +with no other covering than a sort of large horseman’s cloak; afterwards, +however, we discovered in a garret an old sofa-cover, a small piece of rug, and +some fragments of other articles, which added a little to our warmth. The poor +child crept close to me for warmth, and for security against her ghostly +enemies. When I was not more than usually ill I took her into my arms, so that +in general she was tolerably warm, and often slept when I could not, for during +the last two months of my sufferings I slept much in daytime, and was apt to +fall into transient dosings at all hours. But my sleep distressed me more than +my watching, for beside the tumultuousness of my dreams (which were only not so +awful as those which I shall have to describe hereafter as produced by opium), +my sleep was never more than what is called <i>dog-sleep</i>; so that I could +hear myself moaning, and was often, as it seemed to me, awakened suddenly by my +own voice; and about this time a hideous sensation began to haunt me as soon as +I fell into a slumber, which has since returned upon me at different periods of +my life—viz., a sort of twitching (I know not where, but apparently about +the region of the stomach) which compelled me violently to throw out my feet +for the sake of relieving it. This sensation coming on as soon as I began to +sleep, and the effort to relieve it constantly awaking me, at length I slept +only from exhaustion; and from increasing weakness (as I said before) I was +constantly falling asleep and constantly awaking. Meantime, the master of the +house sometimes came in upon us suddenly, and very early; sometimes not till +ten o’clock, sometimes not at all. He was in constant fear of bailiffs. +Improving on the plan of Cromwell, every night he slept in a different quarter +of London; and I observed that he never failed to examine through a private +window the appearance of those who knocked at the door before he would allow it +to be opened. He breaksfasted alone; indeed, his tea equipage would hardly have +admitted of his hazarding an invitation to a second person, any more than the +quantity of esculent <i>matériel</i>, which for the most part was little more +than a roll or a few biscuits which he had bought on his road from the place +where he had slept. Or, if he <i>had</i> asked a party—as I once +learnedly and facetiously observed to him—the several members of it must +have <i>stood</i> in the relation to each other (not <i>sate</i> in any +relation whatever) of succession, as the metaphysicians have it, and not of a +coexistence; in the relation of the parts of time, and not of the parts of +space. During his breakfast I generally contrived a reason for lounging in, +and, with an air of as much indifference as I could assume, took up such +fragments as he had left; sometimes, indeed, there were none at all. In doing +this I committed no robbery except upon the man himself, who was thus obliged +(I believe) now and then to send out at noon for an extra biscuit; for as to +the poor child, <i>she</i> was never admitted into his study (if I may give +that name to his chief depository of parchments, law writings, &c.); that +room was to her the Bluebeard room of the house, being regularly locked on his +departure to dinner, about six o’clock, which usually was his final departure +for the night. Whether this child were an illegitimate daughter of Mr. ——, or +only a servant, I could not ascertain; she did not herself know; but certainly +she was treated altogether as a menial servant. No sooner did Mr. —— make his +appearance than she went below stairs, brushed his shoes, coat, &c.; and, +except when she was summoned to run an errand, she never emerged from the +dismal Tartarus of the kitchen, &c., to the upper air until my welcome +knock at night called up her little trembling footsteps to the front door. Of +her life during the daytime, however, I knew little but what I gathered from +her own account at night, for as soon as the hours of business commenced I saw +that my absence would be acceptable, and in general, therefore, I went off and +sate in the parks or elsewhere until nightfall. +</p> + +<p> +But who and what, meantime, was the master of the house himself? Reader, he was +one of those anomalous practitioners in lower departments of the law +who—what shall I say?—who on prudential reasons, or from necessity, +deny themselves all indulgence in the luxury of too delicate a conscience, (a +periphrasis which might be abridged considerably, but <i>that</i> I leave to +the reader’s taste): in many walks of life a conscience is a more expensive +encumbrance than a wife or a carriage; and just as people talk of “laying down” +their carriages, so I suppose my friend Mr. —— had “laid down” his conscience +for a time, meaning, doubtless, to resume it as soon as he could afford it. The +inner economy of such a man’s daily life would present a most strange picture, +if I could allow myself to amuse the reader at his expense. Even with my +limited opportunities for observing what went on, I saw many scenes of London +intrigues and complex chicanery, “cycle and epicycle, orb in orb,” at which I +sometimes smile to this day, and at which I smiled then, in spite of my misery. +My situation, however, at that time gave me little experience in my own person +of any qualities in Mr. ——’s character but such as did him honour; and of his +whole strange composition I must forget everything but that towards me he was +obliging, and to the extent of his power, generous. +</p> + +<p> +That power was not, indeed, very extensive; however, in common with the rats, I +sate rent free; and as Dr. Johnson has recorded that he never but once in his +life had as much wall-fruit as he could eat, so let me be grateful that on that +single occasion I had as large a choice of apartments in a London mansion as I +could possibly desire. Except the Bluebeard room, which the poor child believed +to be haunted, all others, from the attics to the cellars, were at our service; +“the world was all before us,” and we pitched our tent for the night in any +spot we chose. This house I have already described as a large one; it stands in +a conspicuous situation and in a well-known part of London. Many of my readers +will have passed it, I doubt not, within a few hours of reading this. For +myself, I never fail to visit it when business draws me to London; about ten +o’clock this very night, August 15, 1821—being my birthday—I turned +aside from my evening walk down Oxford Street, purposely to take a glance at +it; it is now occupied by a respectable family, and by the lights in the front +drawing-room I observed a domestic party assembled, perhaps at tea, and +apparently cheerful and gay. Marvellous contrast, in my eyes, to the darkness, +cold, silence, and desolation of that same house eighteen years ago, when its +nightly occupants were one famishing scholar and a neglected child. Her, +by-the-bye, in after-years I vainly endeavoured to trace. Apart from her +situation, she was not what would be called an interesting child; she was +neither pretty, nor quick in understanding, nor remarkably pleasing in manners. +But, thank God! even in those years I needed not the embellishments of novel +accessories to conciliate my affections: plain human nature, in its humblest +and most homely apparel, was enough for me, and I loved the child because she +was my partner in wretchedness. If she is now living she is probably a mother, +with children of her own; but, as I have said, I could never trace her. +</p> + +<p> +This I regret; but another person there was at that time whom I have since +sought to trace with far deeper earnestness, and with far deeper sorrow at my +failure. This person was a young woman, and one of that unhappy class who +subsist upon the wages of prostitution. I feel no shame, nor have any reason to +feel it, in avowing that I was then on familiar and friendly terms with many +women in that unfortunate condition. The reader needs neither smile at this +avowal nor frown; for, not to remind my classical readers of the old Latin +proverb, “<i>Sine cerere</i>,” &c., it may well be supposed that in the +existing state of my purse my connection with such women could not have been an +impure one. But the truth is, that at no time of my life have I been a person +to hold myself polluted by the touch or approach of any creature that wore a +human shape; on the contrary, from my very earliest youth it has been my pride +to converse familiarly, <i>more Socratio</i>, with all human beings, man, +woman, and child, that chance might fling in my way; a practice which is +friendly to the knowledge of human nature, to good feelings, and to that +frankness of address which becomes a man who would be thought a philosopher. +For a philosopher should not see with the eyes of the poor limitary creature +calling himself a man of the world, and filled with narrow and self-regarding +prejudices of birth and education, but should look upon himself as a catholic +creature, and as standing in equal relation to high and low, to educated and +uneducated, to the guilty and the innocent. Being myself at that time of +necessity a peripatetic, or a walker of the streets, I naturally fell in more +frequently with those female peripatetics who are technically called +street-walkers. Many of these women had occasionally taken my part against +watchmen who wished to drive me off the steps of houses where I was sitting. +But one amongst them, the one on whose account I have at all introduced this +subject—yet no! let me not class the, oh! noble-minded Ann—with +that order of women. Let me find, if it be possible, some gentler name to +designate the condition of her to whose bounty and compassion, ministering to +my necessities when all the world had forsaken me, I owe it that I am at this +time alive. For many weeks I had walked at nights with this poor friendless +girl up and down Oxford Street, or had rested with her on steps and under the +shelter of porticoes. She could not be so old as myself; she told me, indeed, +that she had not completed her sixteenth year. By such questions as my interest +about her prompted I had gradually drawn forth her simple history. Hers was a +case of ordinary occurrence (as I have since had reason to think), and one in +which, if London beneficence had better adapted its arrangements to meet it, +the power of the law might oftener be interposed to protect and to avenge. But +the stream of London charity flows in a channel which, though deep and mighty, +is yet noiseless and underground; not obvious or readily accessible to poor +houseless wanderers; and it cannot be denied that the outside air and framework +of London society is harsh, cruel, and repulsive. In any case, however, I saw +that part of her injuries might easily have been redressed, and I urged her +often and earnestly to lay her complaint before a magistrate. Friendless as she +was, I assured her that she would meet with immediate attention, and that +English justice, which was no respecter of persons, would speedily and amply +avenge her on the brutal ruffian who had plundered her little property. She +promised me often that she would, but she delayed taking the steps I pointed +out from time to time, for she was timid and dejected to a degree which showed +how deeply sorrow had taken hold of her young heart; and perhaps she thought +justly that the most upright judge and the most righteous tribunals could do +nothing to repair her heaviest wrongs. Something, however, would perhaps have +been done, for it had been settled between us at length, but unhappily on the +very last time but one that I was ever to see her, that in a day or two we +should go together before a magistrate, and that I should speak on her behalf. +This little service it was destined, however, that I should never realise. +Meantime, that which she rendered to me, and which was greater than I could +ever have repaid her, was this:—One night, when we were pacing slowly +along Oxford Street, and after a day when I had felt more than usually ill and +faint, I requested her to turn off with me into Soho Square. Thither we went, +and we sat down on the steps of a house, which to this hour I never pass +without a pang of grief and an inner act of homage to the spirit of that +unhappy girl, in memory of the noble action which she there performed. +Suddenly, as we sate, I grew much worse. I had been leaning my head against her +bosom, and all at once I sank from her arms and fell backwards on the steps. +From the sensations I then had, I felt an inner conviction of the liveliest +kind, that without some powerful and reviving stimulus I should either have +died on the spot, or should at least have sunk to a point of exhaustion from +which all reäscent under my friendless circumstances would soon have +become hopeless. Then it was, at this crisis of my fate, that my poor orphan +companion, who had herself met with little but injuries in this world, +stretched out a saving hand to me. Uttering a cry of terror, but without a +moment’s delay, she ran off into Oxford Street, and in less time than could be +imagined returned to me with a glass of port wine and spices, that acted upon +my empty stomach, which at that time would have rejected all solid food, with +an instantaneous power of restoration; and for this glass the generous girl +without a murmur paid out of her humble purse at a time—be it +remembered!—when she had scarcely wherewithal to purchase the bare +necessaries of life, and when she could have no reason to expect that I should +ever be able to reimburse her. +</p> + +<p> +Oh, youthful benefactress! how often in succeeding years, standing in solitary +places, and thinking of thee with grief of heart and perfect love—how +often have I wished that, as in ancient times, the curse of a father was +believed to have a supernatural power, and to pursue its object with a fatal +necessity of self-fulfilment; even so the benediction of a heart oppressed with +gratitude might have a like prerogative, might have power given to it from +above to chase, to haunt, to waylay, to overtake, to pursue thee into the +central darkness of a London brothel, or (if it were possible) into the +darkness of the grave, there to awaken thee with an authentic message of peace +and forgiveness, and of final reconciliation! +</p> + +<p> +I do not often weep: for not only do my thoughts on subjects connected with the +chief interests of man daily, nay hourly, descend a thousand fathoms “too deep +for tears;” not only does the sternness of my habits of thought present an +antagonism to the feelings which prompt tears—wanting of necessity to +those who, being protected usually by their levity from any tendency to +meditative sorrow, would by that same levity be made incapable of resisting it +on any casual access of such feelings; but also, I believe that all minds which +have contemplated such objects as deeply as I have done, must, for their own +protection from utter despondency, have early encouraged and cherished some +tranquillising belief as to the future balances and the hieroglyphic meanings +of human sufferings. On these accounts I am cheerful to this hour, and, as I +have said, I do not often weep. Yet some feelings, though not deeper or more +passionate, are more tender than others; and often, when I walk at this time in +Oxford Street by dreamy lamplight, and hear those airs played on a barrel-organ +which years ago solaced me and my dear companion (as I must always call her), I +shed tears, and muse with myself at the mysterious dispensation which so +suddenly and so critically separated us for ever. How it happened the reader +will understand from what remains of this introductory narration. +</p> + +<p> +Soon after the period of the last incident I have recorded I met in Albemarle +Street a gentleman of his late Majesty’s household. This gentleman had received +hospitalities on different occasions from my family, and he challenged me upon +the strength of my family likeness. I did not attempt any disguise; I answered +his questions ingenuously, and, on his pledging his word of honour that he +would not betray me to my guardians, I gave him an address to my friend the +attorney’s. The next day I received from him a £10 bank-note. The letter +enclosing it was delivered with other letters of business to the attorney, but +though his look and manner informed me that he suspected its contents, he gave +it up to me honourably and without demur. +</p> + +<p> +This present, from the particular service to which it was applied, leads me +naturally to speak of the purpose which had allured me up to London, and which +I had been (to use a forensic word) soliciting from the first day of my arrival +in London to that of my final departure. +</p> + +<p> +In so mighty a world as London it will surprise my readers that I should not +have found some means of starving off the last extremities of penury; and it +will strike them that two resources at least must have been open to +me—viz., either to seek assistance from the friends of my family, or to +turn my youthful talents and attainments into some channel of pecuniary +emolument. As to the first course, I may observe generally, that what I dreaded +beyond all other evils was the chance of being reclaimed by my guardians; not +doubting that whatever power the law gave them would have been enforced against +me to the utmost—that is, to the extremity of forcibly restoring me to +the school which I had quitted, a restoration which, as it would in my eyes +have been a dishonour, even if submitted to voluntarily, could not fail, when +extorted from me in contempt and defiance of my own wishes and efforts, to have +been a humiliation worse to me than death, and which would indeed have +terminated in death. I was therefore shy enough of applying for assistance even +in those quarters where I was sure of receiving it, at the risk of furnishing +my guardians with any clue of recovering me. But as to London in particular, +though doubtless my father had in his lifetime had many friends there, yet (as +ten years had passed since his death) I remembered few of them even by name; +and never having seen London before, except once for a few hours, I knew not +the address of even those few. To this mode of gaining help, therefore, in part +the difficulty, but much more the paramount fear which I have mentioned, +habitually indisposed me. In regard to the other mode, I now feel half inclined +to join my reader in wondering that I should have overlooked it. As a corrector +of Greek proofs (if in no other way) I might doubtless have gained enough for +my slender wants. Such an office as this I could have discharged with an +exemplary and punctual accuracy that would soon have gained me the confidence +of my employers. But it must not be forgotten that, even for such an office as +this, it was necessary that I should first of all have an introduction to some +respectable publisher, and this I had no means of obtaining. To say the truth, +however, it had never once occurred to me to think of literary labours as a +source of profit. No mode sufficiently speedy of obtaining money had ever +occurred to me but that of borrowing it on the strength of my future claims and +expectations. This mode I sought by every avenue to compass; and amongst other +persons I applied to a Jew named D—— <a name="citation4"></a><a +href="#footnote4">{4}</a> +</p> + +<p> +To this Jew, and to other advertising money-lenders (some of whom were, I +believe, also Jews), I had introduced myself with an account of my +expectations; which account, on examining my father’s will at Doctors’ Commons, +they had ascertained to be correct. The person there mentioned as the second +son of —— was found to have all the claims (or more than all) that I had +stated; but one question still remained, which the faces of the Jews pretty +significantly suggested—was <i>I</i> that person? This doubt had never +occurred to me as a possible one; I had rather feared, whenever my Jewish +friends scrutinised me keenly, that I might be too well known to be that +person, and that some scheme might be passing in their minds for entrapping me +and selling me to my guardians. It was strange to me to find my own self +<i>materialiter</i> considered (so I expressed it, for I doated on logical +accuracy of distinctions), accused, or at least suspected, of counterfeiting my +own self <i>formaliter</i> considered. However, to satisfy their scruples, I +took the only course in my power. Whilst I was in Wales I had received various +letters from young friends; these I produced, for I carried them constantly in +my pocket, being, indeed, by this time almost the only relics of my personal +encumbrances (excepting the clothes I wore) which I had not in one way or other +disposed of. Most of these letters were from the Earl of ——, who was at that +time my chief (or rather only) confidential friend. These letters were dated +from Eton. I had also some from the Marquis of ——, his father, who, though +absorbed in agricultural pursuits, yet having been an Etonian himself, and as +good a scholar as a nobleman needs to be, still retained an affection for +classical studies and for youthful scholars. He had accordingly, from the time +that I was fifteen, corresponded with me; sometimes upon the great improvements +which he had made or was meditating in the counties of M—— and Sl—— since I +had been there, sometimes upon the merits of a Latin poet, and at other times +suggesting subjects to me on which he wished me to write verses. +</p> + +<p> +On reading the letters, one of my Jewish friends agreed to furnish me with two +or three hundred pounds on my personal security, provided I could persuade the +young Earl —— who was, by the way, not older than myself—to guarantee +the payment on our coming of age; the Jew’s final object being, as I now +suppose, not the trifling profit he could expect to make by me, but the +prospect of establishing a connection with my noble friend, whose immense +expectations were well known to him. In pursuance of this proposal on the part +of the Jew, about eight or nine days after I had received the £10, I +prepared to go down to Eton. Nearly £3 of the money I had given to my +money-lending friend, on his alleging that the stamps must be bought, in order +that the writings might be preparing whilst I was away from London. I thought +in my heart that he was lying; but I did not wish to give him any excuse for +charging his own delays upon me. A smaller sum I had given to my friend the +attorney (who was connected with the money-lenders as their lawyer), to which, +indeed, he was entitled for his unfurnished lodgings. About fifteen shillings I +had employed in re-establishing (though in a very humble way) my dress. Of the +remainder I gave one quarter to Ann, meaning on my return to have divided with +her whatever might remain. These arrangements made, soon after six o’clock on a +dark winter evening I set off, accompanied by Ann, towards Piccadilly; for it +was my intention to go down as far as Salthill on the Bath or Bristol mail. Our +course lay through a part of the town which has now all disappeared, so that I +can no longer retrace its ancient boundaries—Swallow Street, I think it +was called. Having time enough before us, however, we bore away to the left +until we came into Golden Square; there, near the corner of Sherrard Street, we +sat down, not wishing to part in the tumult and blaze of Piccadilly. I had told +her of my plans some time before, and I now assured her again that she should +share in my good fortune, if I met with any, and that I would never forsake her +as soon as I had power to protect her. This I fully intended, as much from +inclination as from a sense of duty; for setting aside gratitude, which in any +case must have made me her debtor for life, I loved her as affectionately as if +she had been my sister; and at this moment with sevenfold tenderness, from pity +at witnessing her extreme dejection. I had apparently most reason for +dejection, because I was leaving the saviour of my life; yet I, considering the +shock my health had received, was cheerful and full of hope. She, on the +contrary, who was parting with one who had had little means of serving her, +except by kindness and brotherly treatment, was overcome by sorrow; so that, +when I kissed her at our final farewell, she put her arms about my neck and +wept without speaking a word. I hoped to return in a week at farthest, and I +agreed with her that on the fifth night from that, and every night afterwards, +she would wait for me at six o’clock near the bottom of Great Titchfield +Street, which had been our customary haven, as it were, of rendezvous, to +prevent our missing each other in the great Mediterranean of Oxford Street. +This and other measures of precaution I took; one only I forgot. She had either +never told me, or (as a matter of no great interest) I had forgotten her +surname. It is a general practice, indeed, with girls of humble rank in her +unhappy condition, not (as novel-reading women of higher pretensions) to style +themselves <i>Miss Douglas</i>, <i>Miss Montague</i>, &c., but simply by +their Christian names—<i>Mary</i>, <i>Jane</i>, <i>Frances</i>, &c. +Her surname, as the surest means of tracing her hereafter, I ought now to have +inquired; but the truth is, having no reason to think that our meeting could, +in consequence of a short interruption, be more difficult or uncertain than it +had been for so many weeks, I had scarcely for a moment adverted to it as +necessary, or placed it amongst my memoranda against this parting interview; +and my final anxieties being spent in comforting her with hopes, and in +pressing upon her the necessity of getting some medicines for a violent cough +and hoarseness with which she was troubled, I wholly forgot it until it was too +late to recall her. +</p> + +<p> +It was past eight o’clock when I reached the Gloucester Coffee-house, and the +Bristol mail being on the point of going off, I mounted on the outside. The +fine fluent motion <a name="citation5"></a><a href="#footnote5">{5}</a> of this +mail soon laid me asleep: it is somewhat remarkable that the first easy or +refreshing sleep which I had enjoyed for some months, was on the outside of a +mail-coach—a bed which at this day I find rather an uneasy one. Connected +with this sleep was a little incident which served, as hundreds of others did +at that time, to convince me how easily a man who has never been in any great +distress may pass through life without knowing, in his own person at least, +anything of the possible goodness of the human heart—or, as I must add +with a sigh, of its possible vileness. So thick a curtain of <i>manners</i> is +drawn over the features and expression of men’s <i>natures</i>, that to the +ordinary observer the two extremities, and the infinite field of varieties +which lie between them, are all confounded; the vast and multitudinous compass +of their several harmonies reduced to the meagre outline of differences +expressed in the gamut or alphabet of elementary sounds. The case was this: for +the first four or five miles from London I annoyed my fellow-passenger on the +roof by occasionally falling against him when the coach gave a lurch to his +side: and indeed, if the road had been less smooth and level than it is, I +should have fallen off from weakness. Of this annoyance he complained heavily, +as perhaps, in the same circumstances, most people would; he expressed his +complaint, however, more morosely than the occasion seemed to warrant, and if I +had parted with him at that moment I should have thought of him (if I had +considered it worth while to think of him at all) as a surly and almost brutal +fellow. However, I was conscious that I had given him some cause for complaint, +and therefore I apologized to him, and assured him I would do what I could to +avoid falling asleep for the future; and at the same time, in as few words as +possible, I explained to him that I was ill and in a weak state from long +suffering, and that I could not afford at that time to take an inside place. +This man’s manner changed, upon hearing this explanation, in an instant; and +when I next woke for a minute from the noise and lights of Hounslow (for in +spite of my wishes and efforts I had fallen asleep again within two minutes +from the time I had spoken to him) I found that he had put his arm round me to +protect me from falling off, and for the rest of my journey he behaved to me +with the gentleness of a woman, so that at length I almost lay in his arms; and +this was the more kind, as he could not have known that I was not going the +whole way to Bath or Bristol. Unfortunately, indeed, I <i>did</i> go rather +farther than I intended, for so genial and so refreshing was my sleep, that the +next time after leaving Hounslow that I fully awoke was upon the sudden pulling +up of the mail (possibly at a post-office), and on inquiry I found that we had +reached Maidenhead—six or seven miles, I think, ahead of Salthill. Here I +alighted, and for the half-minute that the mail stopped I was entreated by my +friendly companion (who, from the transient glimpse I had had of him in +Piccadilly, seemed to me to be a gentleman’s butler, or person of that rank) to +go to bed without delay. This I promised, though with no intention of doing so; +and in fact I immediately set forward, or rather backward, on foot. It must +then have been nearly midnight, but so slowly did I creep along that I heard a +clock in a cottage strike four before I turned down the lane from Slough to +Eton. The air and the sleep had both refreshed me; but I was weary +nevertheless. I remember a thought (obvious enough, and which has been prettily +expressed by a Roman poet) which gave me some consolation at that moment under +my poverty. There had been some time before a murder committed on or near +Hounslow Heath. I think I cannot be mistaken when I say that the name of the +murdered person was <i>Steele</i>, and that he was the owner of a lavender +plantation in that neighbourhood. Every step of my progress was bringing me +nearer to the Heath, and it naturally occurred to me that I and the accused +murderer, if he were that night abroad, might at every instant be unconsciously +approaching each other through the darkness; in which case, said +I—supposing I, instead of being (as indeed I am) little better than an +outcast— +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +Lord of my learning, and no land beside— +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +were, like my friend Lord ——, heir by general repute to £70,000 per +annum, what a panic should I be under at this moment about my throat! Indeed, +it was not likely that Lord —— should ever be in my situation. But +nevertheless, the spirit of the remark remains true—that vast power and +possessions make a man shamefully afraid of dying; and I am convinced that many +of the most intrepid adventurers, who, by fortunately being poor, enjoy the +full use of their natural courage, would, if at the very instant of going into +action news were brought to them that they had unexpectedly succeeded to an +estate in England of £50,000 a-year, feel their dislike to bullets +considerably sharpened, <a name="citation6"></a><a href="#footnote6">{6}</a> +and their efforts at perfect equanimity and self-possession proportionably +difficult. So true it is, in the language of a wise man whose own experience +had made him acquainted with both fortunes, that riches are better fitted +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +To slacken virtue, and abate her edge,<br/> +Than tempt her to do ought may merit praise. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +<i>Paradise Regained</i>. +</p> + +<p> +I dally with my subject because, to myself, the remembrance of these times is +profoundly interesting. But my reader shall not have any further cause to +complain, for I now hasten to its close. In the road between Slough and Eton I +fell asleep, and just as the morning began to dawn I was awakened by the voice +of a man standing over me and surveying me. I know not what he was: he was an +ill-looking fellow, but not therefore of necessity an ill-meaning fellow; or, +if he were, I suppose he thought that no person sleeping out-of-doors in winter +could be worth robbing. In which conclusion, however, as it regarded myself, I +beg to assure him, if he should be among my readers, that he was mistaken. +After a slight remark he passed on; and I was not sorry at his disturbance, as +it enabled me to pass through Eton before people were generally up. The night +had been heavy and lowering, but towards the morning it had changed to a slight +frost, and the ground and the trees were now covered with rime. I slipped +through Eton unobserved; washed myself, and as far as possible adjusted my +dress, at a little public-house in Windsor; and about eight o’clock went down +towards Pote’s. On my road I met some junior boys, of whom I made inquiries. An +Etonian is always a gentleman; and, in spite of my shabby habiliments, they +answered me civilly. My friend Lord —— was gone to the University of ——. “Ibi +omnis effusus labor!” I had, however, other friends at Eton; but it is not to +all that wear that name in prosperity that a man is willing to present himself +in distress. On recollecting myself, however, I asked for the Earl of D——, to +whom (though my acquaintance with him was not so intimate as with some others) +I should not have shrunk from presenting myself under any circumstances. He was +still at Eton, though I believe on the wing for Cambridge. I called, was +received kindly, and asked to breakfast. +</p> + +<p> +Here let me stop for a moment to check my reader from any erroneous +conclusions. Because I have had occasion incidentally to speak of various +patrician friends, it must not be supposed that I have myself any pretension to +rank and high blood. I thank God that I have not. I am the son of a plain +English merchant, esteemed during his life for his great integrity, and +strongly attached to literary pursuits (indeed, he was himself, anonymously, an +author). If he had lived it was expected that he would have been very rich; but +dying prematurely, he left no more than about £30,000 amongst seven +different claimants. My mother I may mention with honour, as still more highly +gifted; for though unpretending to the name and honours of a <i>literary</i> +woman, I shall presume to call her (what many literary women are not) an +<i>intellectual</i> woman; and I believe that if ever her letters should be +collected and published, they would be thought generally to exhibit as much +strong and masculine sense, delivered in as pure “mother English,” racy and +fresh with idiomatic graces, as any in our language—hardly excepting +those of Lady M. W. Montague. These are my honours of descent, I have no other; +and I have thanked God sincerely that I have not, because, in my judgment, a +station which raises a man too eminently above the level of his +fellow-creatures is not the most favourable to moral or to intellectual +qualities. +</p> + +<p> +Lord D—— placed before me a most magnificent breakfast. It was really so; but +in my eyes it seemed trebly magnificent, from being the first regular meal, the +first “good man’s table,” that I had sate down to for months. Strange to say, +however, I could scarce eat anything. On the day when I first received my +£10 bank-note I had gone to a baker’s shop and bought a couple of rolls; +this very shop I had two months or six weeks before surveyed with an eagerness +of desire which it was almost humiliating to me to recollect. I remembered the +story about Otway, and feared that there might be danger in eating too rapidly. +But I had no need for alarm; my appetite was quite sunk, and I became sick +before I had eaten half of what I had bought. This effect from eating what +approached to a meal I continued to feel for weeks; or, when I did not +experience any nausea, part of what I ate was rejected, sometimes with acidity, +sometimes immediately and without any acidity. On the present occasion, at Lord +D-’s table, I found myself not at all better than usual, and in the midst of +luxuries I had no appetite. I had, however, unfortunately, at all times a +craving for wine; I explained my situation, therefore, to Lord D——, and gave +him a short account of my late sufferings, at which he expressed great +compassion, and called for wine. This gave me a momentary relief and pleasure; +and on all occasions when I had an opportunity I never failed to drink wine, +which I worshipped then as I have since worshipped opium. I am convinced, +however, that this indulgence in wine contributed to strengthen my malady, for +the tone of my stomach was apparently quite sunk, and by a better regimen it +might sooner, and perhaps effectually, have been revived. I hope that it was +not from this love of wine that I lingered in the neighbourhood of my Eton +friends; I persuaded myself then that it was from reluctance to ask of Lord +D——, on whom I was conscious I had not sufficient claims, the particular +service in quest of which I had come down to Eton. I was, however unwilling to +lose my journey, and—I asked it. Lord D——, whose good nature was +unbounded, and which, in regard to myself, had been measured rather by his +compassion perhaps for my condition, and his knowledge of my intimacy with some +of his relatives, than by an over-rigorous inquiry into the extent of my own +direct claims, faltered, nevertheless, at this request. He acknowledged that he +did not like to have any dealings with money-lenders, and feared lest such a +transaction might come to the ears of his connexions. Moreover, he doubted +whether <i>his</i> signature, whose expectations were so much more bounded than +those of ——, would avail with my unchristian friends. However, he did not +wish, as it seemed, to mortify me by an absolute refusal; for after a little +consideration he promised, under certain conditions which he pointed out, to +give his security. Lord D—— was at this time not eighteen years of age; but I +have often doubted, on recollecting since the good sense and prudence which on +this occasion he mingled with so much urbanity of manner (an urbanity which in +him wore the grace of youthful sincerity), whether any statesman—the +oldest and the most accomplished in diplomacy—could have acquitted +himself better under the same circumstances. Most people, indeed, cannot be +addressed on such a business without surveying you with looks as austere and +unpropitious as those of a Saracen’s head. +</p> + +<p> +Recomforted by this promise, which was not quite equal to the best but far +above the worst that I had pictured to myself as possible, I returned in a +Windsor coach to London three days after I had quitted it. And now I come to +the end of my story. The Jews did not approve of Lord D——’s terms; whether +they would in the end have acceded to them, and were only seeking time for +making due inquiries, I know not; but many delays were made, time passed on, +the small fragment of my bank-note had just melted away, and before any +conclusion could have been put to the business I must have relapsed into my +former state of wretchedness. Suddenly, however, at this crisis, an opening was +made, almost by accident, for reconciliation with my friends; I quitted London +in haste for a remote part of England; after some time I proceeded to the +university, and it was not until many months had passed away that I had it in +my power again to revisit the ground which had become so interesting to me, and +to this day remains so, as the chief scene of my youthful sufferings. +</p> + +<p> +Meantime, what had become of poor Ann? For her I have reserved my concluding +words. According to our agreement, I sought her daily, and waited for her every +night, so long as I stayed in London, at the corner of Titchfield Street. I +inquired for her of every one who was likely to know her, and during the last +hours of my stay in London I put into activity every means of tracing her that +my knowledge of London suggested and the limited extent of my power made +possible. The street where she had lodged I knew, but not the house; and I +remembered at last some account which she had given me of ill-treatment from +her landlord, which made it probable that she had quitted those lodgings before +we parted. She had few acquaintances; most people, besides, thought that the +earnestness of my inquiries arose from motives which moved their laughter or +their slight regard; and others, thinking I was in chase of a girl who had +robbed me of some trifles, were naturally and excusably indisposed to give me +any clue to her, if indeed they had any to give. Finally as my despairing +resource, on the day I left London I put into the hands of the only person who +(I was sure) must know Ann by sight, from having been in company with us once +or twice, an address to ——, in ——shire, at that time the residence of my +family. But to this hour I have never heard a syllable about her. This, amongst +such troubles as most men meet with in this life, has been my heaviest +affliction. If she lived, doubtless we must have been some time in search of +each other, at the very same moment, through the mighty labyrinths of London; +perhaps even within a few feet of each other—a barrier no wider than a +London street often amounting in the end to a separation for eternity! During +some years I hoped that she <i>did</i> live; and I suppose that, in the literal +and unrhetorical use of the word <i>myriad</i>, I may say that on my different +visits to London I have looked into many, many myriads of female faces, in the +hope of meeting her. I should know her again amongst a thousand, if I saw her +for a moment; for though not handsome, she had a sweet expression of +countenance and a peculiar and graceful carriage of the head. I sought her, I +have said, in hope. So it was for years; but now I should fear to see her; and +her cough, which grieved me when I parted with her, is now my consolation. I +now wish to see her no longer; but think of her, more gladly, as one long since +laid in the grave—in the grave, I would hope, of a Magdalen; taken away, +before injuries and cruelty had blotted out and transfigured her ingenuous +nature, or the brutalities of ruffians had completed the ruin they had begun. +</p> + +<p> +[The remainder of this very interesting article will be given in the next +number.—ED.] +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>PART II</h2> + +<p> +From the London Magazine for October 1821. +</p> + +<p> +So then, Oxford Street, stony-hearted step-mother! thou that listenest to the +sighs of orphans and drinkest the tears of children, at length I was dismissed +from thee; the time was come at last that I no more should pace in anguish thy +never-ending terraces, no more should dream and wake in captivity to the pangs +of hunger. Successors too many, to myself and Ann, have doubtless since then +trodden in our footsteps, inheritors of our calamities; other orphans than Ann +have sighed; tears have been shed by other children; and thou, Oxford Street, +hast since doubtless echoed to the groans of innumerable hearts. For myself, +however, the storm which I had outlived seemed to have been the pledge of a +long fair-weather—the premature sufferings which I had paid down to have +been accepted as a ransom for many years to come, as a price of long immunity +from sorrow; and if again I walked in London a solitary and contemplative man +(as oftentimes I did), I walked for the most part in serenity and peace of +mind. And although it is true that the calamities of my noviciate in London had +struck root so deeply in my bodily constitution, that afterwards they shot up +and flourished afresh, and grew into a noxious umbrage that has overshadowed +and darkened my latter years, yet these second assaults of suffering were met +with a fortitude more confirmed, with the resources of a maturer intellect, and +with alleviations from sympathising affection—how deep and tender! +</p> + +<p> +Thus, however, with whatsoever alleviations, years that were far asunder were +bound together by subtle links of suffering derived from a common root. And +herein I notice an instance of the short-sightedness of human desires, that +oftentimes on moonlight nights, during my first mournful abode in London, my +consolation was (if such it could be thought) to gaze from Oxford Street up +every avenue in succession which pierces through the heart of Marylebone to the +fields and the woods; for <i>that</i>, said I, travelling with my eyes up the +long vistas which lay part in light and part in shade, “<i>that</i> is the road +to the North, and therefore to, and if I had the wings of a dove, <i>that</i> +way I would fly for comfort.” Thus I said, and thus I wished, in my blindness. +Yet even in that very northern region it was, even in that very valley, nay, in +that very house to which my erroneous wishes pointed, that this second birth of +my sufferings began, and that they again threatened to besiege the citadel of +life and hope. There it was that for years I was persecuted by visions as ugly, +and as ghastly phantoms as ever haunted the couch of an Orestes; and in this +unhappier than he, that sleep, which comes to all as a respite and a +restoration, and to him especially as a blessed <a name="citation7"></a><a +href="#footnote7">{7}</a> balm for his wounded heart and his haunted brain, +visited me as my bitterest scourge. Thus blind was I in my desires; yet if a +veil interposes between the dim-sightedness of man and his future calamities, +the same veil hides from him their alleviations, and a grief which had not been +feared is met by consolations which had not been hoped. I therefore, who +participated, as it were, in the troubles of Orestes (excepting only in his +agitated conscience), participated no less in all his supports. My Eumenides, +like his, were at my bed-feet, and stared in upon me through the curtains; but +watching by my pillow, or defrauding herself of sleep to bear me company +through the heavy watches of the night, sate my Electra; for thou, beloved M., +dear companion of my later years, thou wast my Electra! and neither in nobility +of mind nor in long-suffering affection wouldst permit that a Grecian sister +should excel an English wife. For thou thoughtest not much to stoop to humble +offices of kindness and to servile <a name="citation8"></a><a +href="#footnote8">{8}</a> ministrations of tenderest affection—to wipe +away for years the unwholesome dews upon the forehead, or to refresh the lips +when parched and baked with fever; nor even when thy own peaceful slumbers had +by long sympathy become infected with the spectacle of my dread contest with +phantoms and shadowy enemies that oftentimes bade me “sleep no more!”—not +even then didst thou utter a complaint or any murmur, nor withdraw thy angelic +smiles, nor shrink from thy service of love, more than Electra did of old. For +she too, though she was a Grecian woman, and the daughter of the king <a +name="citation9"></a><a href="#footnote9">{9}</a> of men, yet wept sometimes, +and hid her face <a name="citation10"></a><a href="#footnote10">{10}</a> in her +robe. +</p> + +<p> +But these troubles are past; and thou wilt read records of a period so dolorous +to us both as the legend of some hideous dream that can return no more. +Meantime, I am again in London, and again I pace the terraces of Oxford Street +by night; and oftentimes, when I am oppressed by anxieties that demand all my +philosophy and the comfort of thy presence to support, and yet remember that I +am separated from thee by three hundred miles and the length of three dreary +months, I look up the streets that run northwards from Oxford Street, upon +moonlight nights, and recollect my youthful ejaculation of anguish; and +remembering that thou art sitting alone in that same valley, and mistress of +that very house to which my heart turned in its blindness nineteen years ago, I +think that, though blind indeed, and scattered to the winds of late, the +promptings of my heart may yet have had reference to a remoter time, and may be +justified if read in another meaning; and if I could allow myself to descend +again to the impotent wishes of childhood, I should again say to myself, as I +look to the North, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove—” and with how +just a confidence in thy good and gracious nature might I add the other half of +my early ejaculation—“And <i>that</i> way I would fly for comfort!” +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>THE PLEASURES OF OPIUM</h2> + +<p> +It is so long since I first took opium that if it had been a trifling incident +in my life I might have forgotten its date; but cardinal events are not to be +forgotten, and from circumstances connected with it I remember that it must be +referred to the autumn of 1804. During that season I was in London, having come +thither for the first time since my entrance at college. And my introduction to +opium arose in the following way. From an early age I had been accustomed to +wash my head in cold water at least once a day: being suddenly seized with +toothache, I attributed it to some relaxation caused by an accidental +intermission of that practice, jumped out of bed, plunged my head into a basin +of cold water, and with hair thus wetted went to sleep. The next morning, as I +need hardly say, I awoke with excruciating rheumatic pains of the head and +face, from which I had hardly any respite for about twenty days. On the +twenty-first day I think it was, and on a Sunday, that I went out into the +streets, rather to run away, if possible, from my torments, than with any +distinct purpose. By accident I met a college acquaintance, who recommended +opium. Opium! dread agent of unimaginable pleasure and pain! I had heard of it +as I had of manna or of ambrosia, but no further. How unmeaning a sound was it +at that time: what solemn chords does it now strike upon my heart! what +heart-quaking vibrations of sad and happy remembrances! Reverting for a moment +to these, I feel a mystic importance attached to the minutest circumstances +connected with the place and the time and the man (if man he was) that first +laid open to me the Paradise of Opium-eaters. It was a Sunday afternoon, wet +and cheerless: and a duller spectacle this earth of ours has not to show than a +rainy Sunday in London. My road homewards lay through Oxford Street; and near +“the stately Pantheon” (as Mr. Wordsworth has obligingly called it) I saw a +druggist’s shop. The druggist—unconscious minister of celestial +pleasures!—as if in sympathy with the rainy Sunday, looked dull and +stupid, just as any mortal druggist might be expected to look on a Sunday; and +when I asked for the tincture of opium, he gave it to me as any other man might +do, and furthermore, out of my shilling returned me what seemed to be real +copper halfpence, taken out of a real wooden drawer. Nevertheless, in spite of +such indications of humanity, he has ever since existed in my mind as the +beatific vision of an immortal druggist, sent down to earth on a special +mission to myself. And it confirms me in this way of considering him, that when +I next came up to London I sought him near the stately Pantheon, and found him +not; and thus to me, who knew not his name (if indeed he had one), he seemed +rather to have vanished from Oxford Street than to have removed in any bodily +fashion. The reader may choose to think of him as possibly no more than a +sublunary druggist; it may be so, but my faith is better—I believe him to +have evanesced, <a name="citation11"></a><a href="#footnote11">{11}</a> or +evaporated. So unwillingly would I connect any mortal remembrances with that +hour, and place, and creature, that first brought me acquainted with the +celestial drug. +</p> + +<p> +Arrived at my lodgings, it may be supposed that I lost not a moment in taking +the quantity prescribed. I was necessarily ignorant of the whole art and +mystery of opium-taking, and what I took I took under every disadvantage. But I +took it—and in an hour—oh, heavens! what a revulsion! what an +upheaving, from its lowest depths, of inner spirit! what an apocalypse of the +world within me! That my pains had vanished was now a trifle in my eyes: this +negative effect was swallowed up in the immensity of those positive effects +which had opened before me—in the abyss of divine enjoyment thus suddenly +revealed. Here was a panacea, a +φαρμακον for all human woes; here was +the secret of happiness, about which philosophers had disputed for so many +ages, at once discovered: happiness might now be bought for a penny, and +carried in the waistcoat pocket; portable ecstacies might be had corked up in a +pint bottle, and peace of mind could be sent down in gallons by the mail-coach. +But if I talk in this way the reader will think I am laughing, and I can assure +him that nobody will laugh long who deals much with opium: its pleasures even +are of a grave and solemn complexion, and in his happiest state the opium-eater +cannot present himself in the character of <i>L’Allegro</i>: even then he +speaks and thinks as becomes <i>Il Penseroso</i>. Nevertheless, I have a very +reprehensible way of jesting at times in the midst of my own misery; and unless +when I am checked by some more powerful feelings, I am afraid I shall be guilty +of this indecent practice even in these annals of suffering or enjoyment. The +reader must allow a little to my infirm nature in this respect; and with a few +indulgences of that sort I shall endeavour to be as grave, if not drowsy, as +fits a theme like opium, so anti-mercurial as it really is, and so drowsy as it +is falsely reputed. +</p> + +<p> +And first, one word with respect to its bodily effects; for upon all that has +been hitherto written on the subject of opium, whether by travellers in Turkey +(who may plead their privilege of lying as an old immemorial right), or by +professors of medicine, writing <i>ex cathedra</i>, I have but one emphatic +criticism to pronounce—Lies! lies! lies! I remember once, in passing a +book-stall, to have caught these words from a page of some satiric author: “By +this time I became convinced that the London newspapers spoke truth at least +twice a week, viz., on Tuesday and Saturday, and might safely be depended upon +for—the list of bankrupts.” In like manner, I do by no means deny that +some truths have been delivered to the world in regard to opium. Thus it has +been repeatedly affirmed by the learned that opium is a dusky brown in colour; +and this, take notice, I grant. Secondly, that it is rather dear, which also I +grant, for in my time East Indian opium has been three guineas a pound, and +Turkey eight. And thirdly, that if you eat a good deal of it, most probably you +must do what is particularly disagreeable to any man of regular habits, viz., +die. <a name="citation12"></a><a href="#footnote12">{12}</a> These weighty +propositions are, all and singular, true: I cannot gainsay them, and truth ever +was, and will be, commendable. But in these three theorems I believe we have +exhausted the stock of knowledge as yet accumulated by men on the subject of +opium. +</p> + +<p> +And therefore, worthy doctors, as there seems to be room for further +discoveries, stand aside, and allow me to come forward and lecture on this +matter. +</p> + +<p> +First, then, it is not so much affirmed as taken for granted, by all who ever +mention opium, formally or incidentally, that it does or can produce +intoxication. Now, reader, assure yourself, <i>meo perieulo</i>, that no +quantity of opium ever did or could intoxicate. As to the tincture of opium +(commonly called laudanum) <i>that</i> might certainly intoxicate if a man +could bear to take enough of it; but why? Because it contains so much proof +spirit, and not because it contains so much opium. But crude opium, I affirm +peremptorily, is incapable of producing any state of body at all resembling +that which is produced by alcohol, and not in <i>degree</i> only incapable, but +even in <i>kind</i>: it is not in the quantity of its effects merely, but in +the quality, that it differs altogether. The pleasure given by wine is always +mounting and tending to a crisis, after which it declines; that from opium, +when once generated, is stationary for eight or ten hours: the first, to borrow +a technical distinction from medicine, is a case of acute—the second, the +chronic pleasure; the one is a flame, the other a steady and equable glow. But +the main distinction lies in this, that whereas wine disorders the mental +faculties, opium, on the contrary (if taken in a proper manner), introduces +amongst them the most exquisite order, legislation, and harmony. Wine robs a +man of his self-possession; opium greatly invigorates it. Wine unsettles and +clouds the judgement, and gives a preternatural brightness and a vivid +exaltation to the contempts and the admirations, the loves and the hatreds of +the drinker; opium, on the contrary, communicates serenity and equipoise to all +the faculties, active or passive, and with respect to the temper and moral +feelings in general it gives simply that sort of vital warmth which is approved +by the judgment, and which would probably always accompany a bodily +constitution of primeval or antediluvian health. Thus, for instance, opium, +like wine, gives an expansion to the heart and the benevolent affections; but +then, with this remarkable difference, that in the sudden development of +kind-heartedness which accompanies inebriation there is always more or less of +a maudlin character, which exposes it to the contempt of the bystander. Men +shake hands, swear eternal friendship, and shed tears, no mortal knows why; and +the sensual creature is clearly uppermost. But the expansion of the benigner +feelings incident to opium is no febrile access, but a healthy restoration to +that state which the mind would naturally recover upon the removal of any +deep-seated irritation of pain that had disturbed and quarrelled with the +impulses of a heart originally just and good. True it is that even wine, up to +a certain point and with certain men, rather tends to exalt and to steady the +intellect; I myself, who have never been a great wine-drinker, used to find +that half-a-dozen glasses of wine advantageously affected the +faculties—brightened and intensified the consciousness, and gave to the +mind a feeling of being “ponderibus librata suis;” and certainly it is most +absurdly said, in popular language, of any man that he is <i>disguised</i> in +liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety, and it is +when they are drinking (as some old gentleman says in Athenæus), that men +εαυτους +εμφανιζουσιν +οιτινες +εισιν—display themselves in their true +complexion of character, which surely is not disguising themselves. But still, +wine constantly leads a man to the brink of absurdity and extravagance, and +beyond a certain point it is sure to volatilise and to disperse the +intellectual energies: whereas opium always seems to compose what had been +agitated, and to concentrate what had been distracted. In short, to sum up all +in one word, a man who is inebriated, or tending to inebriation, is, and feels +that he is, in a condition which calls up into supremacy the merely human, too +often the brutal part of his nature; but the opium-eater (I speak of him who is +not suffering from any disease or other remote effects of opium) feels that the +diviner part of his nature is paramount; that is, the moral affections are in a +state of cloudless serenity, and over all is the great light of the majestic +intellect. +</p> + +<p> +This is the doctrine of the true church on the subject of opium: of which +church I acknowledge myself to be the only member—the alpha and the +omega: but then it is to be recollected that I speak from the ground of a large +and profound personal experience: whereas most of the unscientific <a +name="citation13"></a><a href="#footnote13">{13}</a> authors who have at all +treated of opium, and even of those who have written expressly on the materia +medica, make it evident, from the horror they express of it, that their +experimental knowledge of its action is none at all. I will, however, candidly +acknowledge that I have met with one person who bore evidence to its +intoxicating power, such as staggered my own incredulity; for he was a surgeon, +and had himself taken opium largely. I happened to say to him that his enemies +(as I had heard) charged him with talking nonsense on politics, and that his +friends apologized for him by suggesting that he was constantly in a state of +intoxication from opium. Now the accusation, said I, is not <i>prima facie</i> +and of necessity an absurd one; but the defence <i>is</i>. To my surprise, +however, he insisted that both his enemies and his friends were in the right. +“I will maintain,” said he, “that I <i>do</i> talk nonsense; and secondly, I +will maintain that I do not talk nonsense upon principle, or with any view to +profit, but solely and simply, said he, solely and simply—solely and +simply (repeating it three times over), because I am drunk with opium, and +<i>that</i> daily.” I replied that, as to the allegation of his enemies, as it +seemed to be established upon such respectable testimony, seeing that the three +parties concerned all agree in it, it did not become me to question it; but the +defence set up I must demur to. He proceeded to discuss the matter, and to lay +down his reasons; but it seemed to me so impolite to pursue an argument which +must have presumed a man mistaken in a point belonging to his own profession, +that I did not press him even when his course of argument seemed open to +objection; not to mention that a man who talks nonsense, even though “with no +view to profit,” is not altogether the most agreeable partner in a dispute, +whether as opponent or respondent. I confess, however, that the authority of a +surgeon, and one who was reputed a good one, may seem a weighty one to my +prejudice; but still I must plead my experience, which was greater than his +greatest by 7,000 drops a-day; and though it was not possible to suppose a +medical man unacquainted with the characteristic symptoms of vinous +intoxication, it yet struck me that he might proceed on a logical error of +using the word intoxication with too great latitude, and extending it +generically to all modes of nervous excitement, instead of restricting it as +the expression for a specific sort of excitement connected with certain +diagnostics. Some people have maintained in my hearing that they had been drunk +upon green tea; and a medical student in London, for whose knowledge in his +profession I have reason to feel great respect, assured me the other day that a +patient in recovering from an illness had got drunk on a beef-steak. +</p> + +<p> +Having dwelt so much on this first and leading error in respect to opium, I +shall notice very briefly a second and a third, which are, that the elevation +of spirits produced by opium is necessarily followed by a proportionate +depression, and that the natural and even immediate consequence of opium is +torpor and stagnation, animal and mental. The first of these errors I shall +content myself with simply denying; assuring my reader that for ten years, +during which I took opium at intervals, the day succeeding to that on which I +allowed myself this luxury was always a day of unusually good spirits. +</p> + +<p> +With respect to the torpor supposed to follow, or rather (if we were to credit +the numerous pictures of Turkish opium-eaters) to accompany the practice of +opium-eating, I deny that also. Certainly opium is classed under the head of +narcotics, and some such effect it may produce in the end; but the primary +effects of opium are always, and in the highest degree, to excite and stimulate +the system. This first stage of its action always lasted with me, during my +noviciate, for upwards of eight hours; so that it must be the fault of the +opium-eater himself if he does not so time his exhibition of the dose (to speak +medically) as that the whole weight of its narcotic influence may descend upon +his sleep. Turkish opium-eaters, it seems, are absurd enough to sit, like so +many equestrian statues, on logs of wood as stupid as themselves. But that the +reader may judge of the degree in which opium is likely to stupefy the +faculties of an Englishman, I shall (by way of treating the question +illustratively, rather than argumentatively) describe the way in which I myself +often passed an opium evening in London during the period between 1804-1812. It +will be seen that at least opium did not move me to seek solitude, and much +less to seek inactivity, or the torpid state of self-involution ascribed to the +Turks. I give this account at the risk of being pronounced a crazy enthusiast +or visionary; but I regard <i>that</i> little. I must desire my reader to bear +in mind that I was a hard student, and at severe studies for all the rest of my +time; and certainly I had a right occasionally to relaxations as well as other +people. These, however, I allowed myself but seldom. +</p> + +<p> +The late Duke of —— used to say, “Next Friday, by the blessing of heaven, I +purpose to be drunk;” and in like manner I used to fix beforehand how often +within a given time, and when, I would commit a debauch of opium. This was +seldom more than once in three weeks, for at that time I could not have +ventured to call every day, as I did afterwards, for “<i>a glass of laudanum +negus, warm, and without sugar</i>.” No, as I have said, I seldom drank +laudanum, at that time, more than once in three weeks: This was usually on a +Tuesday or a Saturday night; my reason for which was this. In those days +Grassini sang at the Opera, and her voice was delightful to me beyond all that +I had ever heard. I know not what may be the state of the Opera-house now, +having never been within its walls for seven or eight years, but at that time +it was by much the most pleasant place of public resort in London for passing +an evening. Five shillings admitted one to the gallery, which was subject to +far less annoyance than the pit of the theatres; the orchestra was +distinguished by its sweet and melodious grandeur from all English orchestras, +the composition of which, I confess, is not acceptable to my ear, from the +predominance of the clamorous instruments and the absolute tyranny of the +violin. The choruses were divine to hear, and when Grassini appeared in some +interlude, as she often did, and poured forth her passionate soul as Andromache +at the tomb of Hector, &c., I question whether any Turk, of all that ever +entered the Paradise of Opium-eaters, can have had half the pleasure I had. +But, indeed, I honour the barbarians too much by supposing them capable of any +pleasures approaching to the intellectual ones of an Englishman. For music is +an intellectual or a sensual pleasure according to the temperament of him who +hears it. And, by-the-bye, with the exception of the fine extravaganza on that +subject in “Twelfth Night,” I do not recollect more than one thing said +adequately on the subject of music in all literature; it is a passage in the +<i>Religio Medici</i> <a name="citation14"></a><a href="#footnote14">{14}</a> +of Sir T. Brown, and though chiefly remarkable for its sublimity, has also a +philosophic value, inasmuch as it points to the true theory of musical effects. +The mistake of most people is to suppose that it is by the ear they communicate +with music, and therefore that they are purely passive to its effects. But this +is not so; it is by the reaction of the mind upon the notices of the ear (the +<i>matter</i> coming by the senses, the <i>form</i> from the mind) that the +pleasure is constructed, and therefore it is that people of equally good ear +differ so much in this point from one another. Now, opium, by greatly +increasing the activity of the mind, generally increases, of necessity, that +particular mode of its activity by which we are able to construct out of the +raw material of organic sound an elaborate intellectual pleasure. But, says a +friend, a succession of musical sounds is to me like a collection of Arabic +characters; I can attach no ideas to them. Ideas! my good sir? There is no +occasion for them; all that class of ideas which can be available in such a +case has a language of representative feelings. But this is a subject foreign +to my present purposes; it is sufficient to say that a chorus, &c., of +elaborate harmony displayed before me, as in a piece of arras work, the whole +of my past life—not as if recalled by an act of memory, but as if present +and incarnated in the music; no longer painful to dwell upon; but the detail of +its incidents removed or blended in some hazy abstraction, and its passions +exalted, spiritualized, and sublimed. All this was to be had for five +shillings. And over and above the music of the stage and the orchestra, I had +all around me, in the intervals of the performance, the music of the Italian +language talked by Italian women—for the gallery was usually crowded with +Italians—and I listened with a pleasure such as that with which Weld the +traveller lay and listened, in Canada, to the sweet laughter of Indian women; +for the less you understand of a language, the more sensible you are to the +melody or harshness of its sounds. For such a purpose, therefore, it was an +advantage to me that I was a poor Italian scholar, reading it but little, and +not speaking it at all, nor understanding a tenth part of what I heard spoken. +</p> + +<p> +These were my opera pleasures; but another pleasure I had which, as it could be +had only on a Saturday night, occasionally struggled with my love of the Opera; +for at that time Tuesday and Saturday were the regular opera nights. On this +subject I am afraid I shall be rather obscure, but I can assure the reader not +at all more so than Marinus in his Life of Proclus, or many other biographers +and autobiographers of fair reputation. This pleasure, I have said, was to be +had only on a Saturday night. What, then, was Saturday night to me more than +any other night? I had no labours that I rested from, no wages to receive; what +needed I to care for Saturday night, more than as it was a summons to hear +Grassini? True, most logical reader; what you say is unanswerable. And yet so +it was and is, that whereas different men throw their feelings into different +channels, and most are apt to show their interest in the concerns of the poor +chiefly by sympathy, expressed in some shape or other, with their distresses +and sorrows, I at that time was disposed to express my interest by sympathising +with their pleasures. The pains of poverty I had lately seen too much of, more +than I wished to remember; but the pleasures of the poor, their consolations of +spirit, and their reposes from bodily toil, can never become oppressive to +contemplate. Now Saturday night is the season for the chief, regular, and +periodic return of rest of the poor; in this point the most hostile sects +unite, and acknowledge a common link of brotherhood; almost all Christendom +rests from its labours. It is a rest introductory to another rest, and divided +by a whole day and two nights from the renewal of toil. On this account I feel +always, on a Saturday night, as though I also were released from some yoke of +labour, had some wages to receive, and some luxury of repose to enjoy. For the +sake, therefore, of witnessing, upon as large a scale as possible, a spectacle +with which my sympathy was so entire, I used often on Saturday nights, after I +had taken opium, to wander forth, without much regarding the direction or the +distance, to all the markets and other parts of London to which the poor resort +of a Saturday night, for laying out their wages. Many a family party, +consisting of a man, his wife, and sometimes one or two of his children, have I +listened to, as they stood consulting on their ways and means, or the strength +of their exchequer, or the price of household articles. Gradually I became +familiar with their wishes, their difficulties, and their opinions. Sometimes +there might be heard murmurs of discontent, but far oftener expressions on the +countenance, or uttered in words, of patience, hope, and tranquillity. And +taken generally, I must say that, in this point at least, the poor are more +philosophic than the rich—that they show a more ready and cheerful +submission to what they consider as irremediable evils or irreparable losses. +Whenever I saw occasion, or could do it without appearing to be intrusive, I +joined their parties, and gave my opinion upon the matter in discussion, which, +if not always judicious, was always received indulgently. If wages were a +little higher or expected to be so, or the quartern loaf a little lower, or it +was reported that onions and butter were expected to fall, I was glad; yet, if +the contrary were true, I drew from opium some means of consoling myself. For +opium (like the bee, that extracts its materials indiscriminately from roses +and from the soot of chimneys) can overrule all feelings into compliance with +the master-key. Some of these rambles led me to great distances, for an +opium-eater is too happy to observe the motion of time; and sometimes in my +attempts to steer homewards, upon nautical principles, by fixing my eye on the +pole-star, and seeking ambitiously for a north-west passage, instead of +circumnavigating all the capes and head-lands I had doubled in my outward +voyage, I came suddenly upon such knotty problems of alleys, such enigmatical +entries, and such sphynx’s riddles of streets without thoroughfares, as must, I +conceive, baffle the audacity of porters and confound the intellects of +hackney-coachmen. I could almost have believed at times that I must be the +first discoverer of some of these <i>terræ incognitæ</i>, and doubted whether +they had yet been laid down in the modern charts of London. For all this, +however, I paid a heavy price in distant years, when the human face tyrannised +over my dreams, and the perplexities of my steps in London came back and +haunted my sleep, with the feeling of perplexities, moral and intellectual, +that brought confusion to the reason, or anguish and remorse to the conscience. +</p> + +<p> +Thus I have shown that opium does not of necessity produce inactivity or +torpor, but that, on the contrary, it often led me into markets and theatres. +Yet, in candour, I will admit that markets and theatres are not the appropriate +haunts of the opium-eater when in the divinest state incident to his enjoyment. +In that state, crowds become an oppression to him; music even, too sensual and +gross. He naturally seeks solitude and silence, as indispensable conditions of +those trances, or profoundest reveries, which are the crown and consummation of +what opium can do for human nature. I, whose disease it was to meditate too +much and to observe too little, and who upon my first entrance at college was +nearly falling into a deep melancholy, from brooding too much on the sufferings +which I had witnessed in London, was sufficiently aware of the tendencies of my +own thoughts to do all I could to counteract them. I was, indeed, like a person +who, according to the old legend, had entered the cave of Trophonius; and the +remedies I sought were to force myself into society, and to keep my +understanding in continual activity upon matters of science. But for these +remedies I should certainly have become hypochondriacally melancholy. In after +years, however, when my cheerfulness was more fully re-established, I yielded +to my natural inclination for a solitary life. And at that time I often fell +into these reveries upon taking opium; and more than once it has happened to +me, on a summer night, when I have been at an open window, in a room from which +I could overlook the sea at a mile below me, and could command a view of the +great town of L——, at about the same distance, that I have sate from sunset to +sunrise, motionless, and without wishing to move. +</p> + +<p> +I shall be charged with mysticism, Behmenism, quietism, &c., but +<i>that</i> shall not alarm me. Sir H. Vane, the younger, was one of our wisest +men; and let my reader see if he, in his philosophical works, be half as +unmystical as I am. I say, then, that it has often struck me that the scene +itself was somewhat typical of what took place in such a reverie. The town of +L—— represented the earth, with its sorrows and its graves left behind, yet +not out of sight, nor wholly forgotten. The ocean, in everlasting but gentle +agitation, and brooded over by a dove-like calm, might not unfitly typify the +mind and the mood which then swayed it. For it seemed to me as if then first I +stood at a distance and aloof from the uproar of life; as if the tumult, the +fever, and the strife were suspended; a respite granted from the secret +burthens of the heart; a sabbath of repose; a resting from human labours. Here +were the hopes which blossom in the paths of life reconciled with the peace +which is in the grave; motions of the intellect as unwearied as the heavens, +yet for all anxieties a halcyon calm; a tranquillity that seemed no product of +inertia, but as if resulting from mighty and equal antagonisms; infinite +activities, infinite repose. +</p> + +<p> +Oh, just, subtle, and mighty opium! that to the hearts of poor and rich alike, +for the wounds that will never heal, and for “the pangs that tempt the spirit +to rebel,” bringest an assuaging balm; eloquent opium! that with thy potent +rhetoric stealest away the purposes of wrath; and to the guilty man for one +night givest back the hopes of his youth, and hands washed pure from blood; and +to the proud man a brief oblivion for “Wrongs undress’d and insults unavenged;” +that summonest to the chancery of dreams, for the triumphs of suffering +innocence, false witnesses; and confoundest perjury, and dost reverse the +sentences of unrighteous judges;—thou buildest upon the bosom of +darkness, out of the fantastic imagery of the brain, cities and temples beyond +the art of Phidias and Praxiteles—beyond the splendour of Babylon and +Hekatómpylos, and “from the anarchy of dreaming sleep” callest into +sunny light the faces of long-buried beauties and the blessed household +countenances cleansed from the “dishonours of the grave.” Thou only givest +these gifts to man; and thou hast the keys of Paradise, oh, just, subtle, and +mighty opium! +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>INTRODUCTION TO THE PAINS OF OPIUM</h2> + +<p> +Courteous, and I hope indulgent, reader (for all <i>my</i> readers must be +indulgent ones, or else I fear I shall shock them too much to count on their +courtesy), having accompanied me thus far, now let me request you to move +onwards for about eight years; that is to say, from 1804 (when I have said that +my acquaintance with opium first began) to 1812. The years of academic life are +now over and gone—almost forgotten; the student’s cap no longer presses +my temples; if my cap exist at all, it presses those of some youthful scholar, +I trust, as happy as myself, and as passionate a lover of knowledge. My gown is +by this time, I dare say, in the same condition with many thousand excellent +books in the Bodleian, viz., diligently perused by certain studious moths and +worms; or departed, however (which is all that I know of his fate), to that +great reservoir of <i>somewhere</i> to which all the tea-cups, tea-caddies, +tea-pots, tea-kettles, &c., have departed (not to speak of still frailer +vessels, such as glasses, decanters, bed-makers, &c.), which occasional +resemblances in the present generation of tea-cups, &c., remind me of +having once possessed, but of whose departure and final fate I, in common with +most gownsmen of either university, could give, I suspect, but an obscure and +conjectural history. The persecutions of the chapel-bell, sounding its +unwelcome summons to six o’clock matins, interrupts my slumbers no longer, the +porter who rang it, upon whose beautiful nose (bronze, inlaid with copper) I +wrote, in retaliation so many Greek epigrams whilst I was dressing, is dead, +and has ceased to disturb anybody; and I, and many others who suffered much +from his tintinnabulous propensities, have now agreed to overlook his errors, +and have forgiven him. Even with the bell I am now in charity; it rings, I +suppose, as formerly, thrice a-day, and cruelly annoys, I doubt not, many +worthy gentlemen, and disturbs their peace of mind; but as to me, in this year +1812, I regard its treacherous voice no longer (treacherous I call it, for, by +some refinement of malice, it spoke in as sweet and silvery tones as if it had +been inviting one to a party); its tones have no longer, indeed, power to reach +me, let the wind sit as favourable as the malice of the bell itself could wish, +for I am 250 miles away from it, and buried in the depth of mountains. And what +am I doing among the mountains? Taking opium. Yes; but what else? Why reader, +in 1812, the year we are now arrived at, as well as for some years previous, I +have been chiefly studying German metaphysics in the writings of Kant, Fichte, +Schelling, &c. And how and in what manner do I live?—in short, what +class or description of men do I belong to? I am at this period—viz. in +1812—living in a cottage and with a single female servant (<i>honi soit +qui mal y pense</i>), who amongst my neighbours passes by the name of my +“housekeeper.” And as a scholar and a man of learned education, and in that +sense a gentleman, I may presume to class myself as an unworthy member of that +indefinite body called <i>gentlemen</i>. Partly on the ground I have assigned +perhaps, partly because from my having no visible calling or business, it is +rightly judged that I must be living on my private fortune; I am so classed by +my neighbours; and by the courtesy of modern England I am usually addressed on +letters, &c., “Esquire,” though having, I fear, in the rigorous +construction of heralds, but slender pretensions to that distinguished honour; +yet in popular estimation I am X. Y. Z., Esquire, but not justice of the Peace +nor Custos Rotulorum. Am I married? Not yet. And I still take opium? On +Saturday nights. And perhaps have taken it unblushingly ever since “the rainy +Sunday,” and “the stately Pantheon,” and “the beatific druggist” of 1804? Even +so. And how do I find my health after all this opium-eating? In short, how do I +do? Why, pretty well, I thank you, reader; in the phrase of ladies in the +straw, “as well as can be expected.” In fact, if I dared to say the real and +simple truth, though, to satisfy the theories of medical men, I <i>ought</i> to +be ill, I never was better in my life than in the spring of 1812; and I hope +sincerely that the quantity of claret, port, or “particular Madeira,” which in +all probability you, good reader, have taken, and design to take for every term +of eight years during your natural life, may as little disorder your health as +mine was disordered by the opium I had taken for eight years, between 1804 and +1812. Hence you may see again the danger of taking any medical advice from +<i>Anastasius</i>; in divinity, for aught I know, or law, he may be a safe +counsellor; but not in medicine. No; it is far better to consult Dr. Buchan, as +I did; for I never forgot that worthy man’s excellent suggestion, and I was +“particularly careful not to take above five-and-twenty ounces of laudanum.” To +this moderation and temperate use of the article I may ascribe it, I suppose, +that as yet, at least (<i>i.e</i>. in 1812), I am ignorant and unsuspicious of +the avenging terrors which opium has in store for those who abuse its lenity. +At the same time, it must not be forgotten that hitherto I have been only a +dilettante eater of opium; eight years’ practice even, with a single precaution +of allowing sufficient intervals between every indulgence, has not been +sufficient to make opium necessary to me as an article of daily diet. But now +comes a different era. Move on, if you please, reader, to 1813. In the summer +of the year we have just quitted I have suffered much in bodily health from +distress of mind connected with a very melancholy event. This event being no +ways related to the subject now before me, further than through the bodily +illness which it produced, I need not more particularly notice. Whether this +illness of 1812 had any share in that of 1813 I know not; but so it was, that +in the latter year I was attacked by a most appalling irritation of the +stomach, in all respects the same as that which had caused me so much suffering +in youth, and accompanied by a revival of all the old dreams. This is the point +of my narrative on which, as respects my own self-justification, the whole of +what follows may be said to hinge. And here I find myself in a perplexing +dilemma. Either, on the one hand, I must exhaust the reader’s patience by such +a detail of my malady, or of my struggles with it, as might suffice to +establish the fact of my inability to wrestle any longer with irritation and +constant suffering; or, on the other hand, by passing lightly over this +critical part of my story, I must forego the benefit of a stronger impression +left on the mind of the reader, and must lay myself open to the misconstruction +of having slipped, by the easy and gradual steps of self-indulging persons, +from the first to the final stage of opium-eating (a misconstruction to which +there will be a lurking predisposition in most readers, from my previous +acknowledgements). This is the dilemma, the first horn of which would be +sufficient to toss and gore any column of patient readers, though drawn up +sixteen deep and constantly relieved by fresh men; consequently that is not to +be thought of. It remains, then, that I <i>postulate</i> so much as is +necessary for my purpose. And let me take as full credit for what I postulate +as if I had demonstrated it, good reader, at the expense of your patience and +my own. Be not so ungenerous as to let me suffer in your good opinion through +my own forbearance and regard for your comfort. No; believe all that I ask of +you—viz., that I could resist no longer; believe it liberally and as an +act of grace, or else in mere prudence; for if not, then in the next edition of +my Opium Confessions, revised and enlarged, I will make you believe and +tremble; and <i>à force d’ennuyer</i>, by mere dint of pandiculation I will +terrify all readers of mine from ever again questioning any postulate that I +shall think fit to make. +</p> + +<p> +This, then, let me repeat, I postulate—that at the time I began to take +opium daily I could not have done otherwise. Whether, indeed, afterwards I +might not have succeeded in breaking off the habit, even when it seemed to me +that all efforts would be unavailing, and whether many of the innumerable +efforts which I did make might not have been carried much further, and my +gradual reconquests of ground lost might not have been followed up much more +energetically—these are questions which I must decline. Perhaps I might +make out a case of palliation; but shall I speak ingenuously? I confess it, as +a besetting infirmity of mine, that I am too much of an Eudæmonist; I hanker +too much after a state of happiness, both for myself and others; I cannot face +misery, whether my own or not, with an eye of sufficient firmness, and am +little capable of encountering present pain for the sake of any reversionary +benefit. On some other matters I can agree with the gentlemen in the cotton +trade <a name="citation15"></a><a href="#footnote15">{15}</a> at Manchester in +affecting the Stoic philosophy, but not in this. Here I take the liberty of an +Eclectic philosopher, and I look out for some courteous and considerate sect +that will condescend more to the infirm condition of an opium-eater; that are +“sweet men,” as Chaucer says, “to give absolution,” and will show some +conscience in the penances they inflict, and the efforts of abstinence they +exact from poor sinners like myself. An inhuman moralist I can no more endure +in my nervous state than opium that has not been boiled. At any rate, he who +summons me to send out a large freight of self-denial and mortification upon +any cruising voyage of moral improvement, must make it clear to my +understanding that the concern is a hopeful one. At my time of life +(six-and-thirty years of age) it cannot be supposed that I have much energy to +spare; in fact, I find it all little enough for the intellectual labours I have +on my hands, and therefore let no man expect to frighten me by a few hard words +into embarking any part of it upon desperate adventures of morality. +</p> + +<p> +Whether desperate or not, however, the issue of the struggle in 1813 was what I +have mentioned, and from this date the reader is to consider me as a regular +and confirmed opium-eater, of whom to ask whether on any particular day he had +or had not taken opium, would be to ask whether his lungs had performed +respiration, or the heart fulfilled its functions. You understand now, reader, +what I am, and you are by this time aware that no old gentleman “with a +snow-white beard” will have any chance of persuading me to surrender “the +little golden receptacle of the pernicious drug.” No; I give notice to all, +whether moralists or surgeons, that whatever be their pretensions and skill in +their respective lines of practice, they must not hope for any countenance from +me, if they think to begin by any savage proposition for a Lent or a Ramadan of +abstinence from opium. This, then, being all fully understood between us, we +shall in future sail before the wind. Now then, reader, from 1813, where all +this time we have been sitting down and loitering, rise up, if you please, and +walk forward about three years more. Now draw up the curtain, and you shall see +me in a new character. +</p> + +<p> +If any man, poor or rich, were to say that he would tell us what had been the +happiest day in his life, and the why and the wherefore, I suppose that we +should all cry out—Hear him! Hear him! As to the happiest <i>day</i>, +that must be very difficult for any wise man to name, because any event that +could occupy so distinguished a place in a man’s retrospect of his life, or be +entitled to have shed a special felicity on any one day, ought to be of such an +enduring character as that (accidents apart) it should have continued to shed +the same felicity, or one not distinguishably less, on many years together. To +the happiest <i>lustrum</i>, however, or even to the happiest <i>year</i>, it +may be allowed to any man to point without discountenance from wisdom. This +year, in my case, reader, was the one which we have now reached; though it +stood, I confess, as a parenthesis between years of a gloomier character. It +was a year of brilliant water (to speak after the manner of jewellers), set as +it were, and insulated, in the gloom and cloudy melancholy of opium. Strange as +it may sound, I had a little before this time descended suddenly, and without +any considerable effort, from 320 grains of opium (<i>i.e</i>. eight <a +name="citation16"></a><a href="#footnote16">{16}</a> thousand drops of +laudanum) per day, to forty grains, or one-eighth part. Instantaneously, and as +if by magic, the cloud of profoundest melancholy which rested upon my brain, +like some black vapours that I have seen roll away from the summits of +mountains, drew off in one day +(νυχθημερον); passed off +with its murky banners as simultaneously as a ship that has been stranded, and +is floated off by a spring tide— +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +That moveth altogether, if it move at all. +</p> + +<p> +Now, then, I was again happy; I now took only 1000 drops of laudanum per day; +and what was that? A latter spring had come to close up the season of youth; my +brain performed its functions as healthily as ever before; I read Kant again, +and again I understood him, or fancied that I did. Again my feelings of +pleasure expanded themselves to all around me; and if any man from Oxford or +Cambridge, or from neither, had been announced to me in my unpretending +cottage, I should have welcomed him with as sumptuous a reception as so poor a +man could offer. Whatever else was wanting to a wise man’s happiness, of +laudanum I would have given him as much as he wished, and in a golden cup. And, +by the way, now that I speak of giving laudanum away, I remember about this +time a little incident, which I mention because, trifling as it was, the reader +will soon meet it again in my dreams, which it influenced more fearfully than +could be imagined. One day a Malay knocked at my door. What business a Malay +could have to transact amongst English mountains I cannot conjecture; but +possibly he was on his road to a seaport about forty miles distant. +</p> + +<p> +The servant who opened the door to him was a young girl, born and bred amongst +the mountains, who had never seen an Asiatic dress of any sort; his turban +therefore confounded her not a little; and as it turned out that his +attainments in English were exactly of the same extent as hers in the Malay, +there seemed to be an impassable gulf fixed between all communication of ideas, +if either party had happened to possess any. In this dilemma, the girl, +recollecting the reputed learning of her master (and doubtless giving me credit +for a knowledge of all the languages of the earth besides perhaps a few of the +lunar ones), came and gave me to understand that there was a sort of demon +below, whom she clearly imagined that my art could exorcise from the house. I +did not immediately go down, but when I did, the group which presented itself, +arranged as it was by accident, though not very elaborate, took hold of my +fancy and my eye in a way that none of the statuesque attitudes exhibited in +the ballets at the Opera-house, though so ostentatiously complex, had ever +done. In a cottage kitchen, but panelled on the wall with dark wood that from +age and rubbing resembled oak, and looking more like a rustic hall of entrance +than a kitchen, stood the Malay—his turban and loose trousers of dingy +white relieved upon the dark panelling. He had placed himself nearer to the +girl than she seemed to relish, though her native spirit of mountain +intrepidity contended with the feeling of simple awe which her countenance +expressed as she gazed upon the tiger-cat before her. And a more striking +picture there could not be imagined than the beautiful English face of the +girl, and its exquisite fairness, together with her erect and independent +attitude, contrasted with the sallow and bilious skin of the Malay, enamelled +or veneered with mahogany by marine air, his small, fierce, restless eyes, thin +lips, slavish gestures and adorations. Half-hidden by the ferocious-looking +Malay was a little child from a neighbouring cottage who had crept in after +him, and was now in the act of reverting its head and gazing upwards at the +turban and the fiery eyes beneath it, whilst with one hand he caught at the +dress of the young woman for protection. My knowledge of the Oriental tongues +is not remarkably extensive, being indeed confined to two words—the +Arabic word for barley and the Turkish for opium (madjoon), which I have +learned from <i>Anastasius</i>; and as I had neither a Malay dictionary nor +even Adelung’s <i>Mithridates</i>, which might have helped me to a few words, I +addressed him in some lines from the Iliad, considering that, of such languages +as I possessed, Greek, in point of longitude, came geographically nearest to an +Oriental one. He worshipped me in a most devout manner, and replied in what I +suppose was Malay. In this way I saved my reputation with my neighbours, for +the Malay had no means of betraying the secret. He lay down upon the floor for +about an hour, and then pursued his journey. On his departure I presented him +with a piece of opium. To him, as an Orientalist, I concluded that opium must +be familiar; and the expression of his face convinced me that it was. +Nevertheless, I was struck with some little consternation when I saw him +suddenly raise his hand to his mouth, and, to use the schoolboy phrase, bolt +the whole, divided into three pieces, at one mouthful. The quantity was enough +to kill three dragoons and their horses, and I felt some alarm for the poor +creature; but what could be done? I had given him the opium in compassion for +his solitary life, on recollecting that if he had travelled on foot from London +it must be nearly three weeks since he could have exchanged a thought with any +human being. I could not think of violating the laws of hospitality by having +him seized and drenched with an emetic, and thus frightening him into a notion +that we were going to sacrifice him to some English idol. No: there was clearly +no help for it. He took his leave, and for some days I felt anxious, but as I +never heard of any Malay being found dead, I became convinced that he was used +<a name="citation17"></a><a href="#footnote17">{17}</a> to opium; and that I +must have done him the service I designed by giving him one night of respite +from the pains of wandering. +</p> + +<p> +This incident I have digressed to mention, because this Malay (partly from the +picturesque exhibition he assisted to frame, partly from the anxiety I +connected with his image for some days) fastened afterwards upon my dreams, and +brought other Malays with him, worse than himself, that ran “a-muck” <a +name="citation18"></a><a href="#footnote18">{18}</a> at me, and led me into a +world of troubles. But to quit this episode, and to return to my intercalary +year of happiness. I have said already, that on a subject so important to us +all as happiness, we should listen with pleasure to any man’s experience or +experiments, even though he were but a plough-boy, who cannot be supposed to +have ploughed very deep into such an intractable soil as that of human pains +and pleasures, or to have conducted his researches upon any very enlightened +principles. But I who have taken happiness both in a solid and liquid shape, +both boiled and unboiled, both East India and Turkey—who have conducted +my experiments upon this interesting subject with a sort of galvanic battery, +and have, for the general benefit of the world, inoculated myself, as it were, +with the poison of 8000 drops of laudanum per day (just for the same reason as +a French surgeon inoculated himself lately with cancer, an English one twenty +years ago with plague, and a third, I know not of what nation, with +hydrophobia), I (it will be admitted) must surely know what happiness is, if +anybody does. And therefore I will here lay down an analysis of happiness; and +as the most interesting mode of communicating it, I will give it, not +didactically, but wrapped up and involved in a picture of one evening, as I +spent every evening during the intercalary year when laudanum, though taken +daily, was to me no more than the elixir of pleasure. This done, I shall quit +the subject of happiness altogether, and pass to a very different +one—<i>the pains of opium</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Let there be a cottage standing in a valley, eighteen miles from any +town—no spacious valley, but about two miles long by three-quarters of a +mile in average width; the benefit of which provision is that all the family +resident within its circuit will compose, as it were, one larger household, +personally familiar to your eye, and more or less interesting to your +affections. Let the mountains be real mountains, between 3,000 and 4,000 feet +high, and the cottage a real cottage, not (as a witty author has it) “a cottage +with a double coach-house;” let it be, in fact (for I must abide by the actual +scene), a white cottage, embowered with flowering shrubs, so chosen as to +unfold a succession of flowers upon the walls and clustering round the windows +through all the months of spring, summer, and autumn—beginning, in fact, +with May roses, and ending with jasmine. Let it, however, <i>not</i> be spring, +nor summer, nor autumn, but winter in his sternest shape. This is a most +important point in the science of happiness. And I am surprised to see people +overlook it, and think it matter of congratulation that winter is going, or, if +coming, is not likely to be a severe one. On the contrary, I put up a petition +annually for as much snow, hail, frost, or storm, of one kind or other, as the +skies can possibly afford us. Surely everybody is aware of the divine pleasures +which attend a winter fireside, candles at four o’clock, warm hearth-rugs, tea, +a fair tea-maker, shutters closed, curtains flowing in ample draperies on the +floor, whilst the wind and rain are raging audibly without, +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +And at the doors and windows seem to call,<br/> +As heav’n and earth they would together mell;<br/> +Yet the least entrance find they none at all;<br/> +Whence sweeter grows our rest secure in massy hall. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +<i>Castle of Indolence</i>. +</p> + +<p> +All these are items in the description of a winter evening which must surely be +familiar to everybody born in a high latitude. And it is evident that most of +these delicacies, like ice-cream, require a very low temperature of the +atmosphere to produce them; they are fruits which cannot be ripened without +weather stormy or inclement in some way or other. I am not “<i>particular</i>,” +as people say, whether it be snow, or black frost, or wind so strong that (as +Mr. —— says) “you may lean your back against it like a post.” I can put up +even with rain, provided it rains cats and dogs; but something of the sort I +must have, and if I have it not, I think myself in a manner ill-used; for why +am I called on to pay so heavily for winter, in coals and candles, and various +privations that will occur even to gentlemen, if I am not to have the article +good of its kind? No, a Canadian winter for my money, or a Russian one, where +every man is but a co-proprietor with the north wind in the fee-simple of his +own ears. Indeed, so great an epicure am I in this matter that I cannot relish +a winter night fully if it be much past St. Thomas’s day, and have degenerated +into disgusting tendencies to vernal appearances. No, it must be divided by a +thick wall of dark nights from all return of light and sunshine. From the +latter weeks of October to Christmas Eve, therefore, is the period during which +happiness is in season, which, in my judgment, enters the room with the +tea-tray; for tea, though ridiculed by those who are naturally of coarse +nerves, or are become so from wine-drinking, and are not susceptible of +influence from so refined a stimulant, will always be the favourite beverage of +the intellectual; and, for my part, I would have joined Dr. Johnson in a +<i>bellum internecinum</i> against Jonas Hanway, or any other impious person, +who should presume to disparage it. But here, to save myself the trouble of too +much verbal description, I will introduce a painter, and give him directions +for the rest of the picture. Painters do not like white cottages, unless a good +deal weather-stained; but as the reader now understands that it is a winter +night, his services will not be required except for the inside of the house. +</p> + +<p> +Paint me, then, a room seventeen feet by twelve, and not more than seven and a +half feet high. This, reader, is somewhat ambitiously styled in my family the +drawing-room; but being contrived “a double debt to pay,” it is also, and more +justly, termed the library, for it happens that books are the only article of +property in which I am richer than my neighbours. Of these I have about five +thousand, collected gradually since my eighteenth year. Therefore, painter, put +as many as you can into this room. Make it populous with books, and, +furthermore, paint me a good fire, and furniture plain and modest, befitting +the unpretending cottage of a scholar. And near the fire paint me a tea-table, +and (as it is clear that no creature can come to see one such a stormy night) +place only two cups and saucers on the tea-tray; and, if you know how to paint +such a thing symbolically or otherwise, paint me an eternal +tea-pot—eternal <i>à parte ante</i> and <i>à parte post</i>—for I +usually drink tea from eight o’clock at night to four o’clock in the morning. +And as it is very unpleasant to make tea or to pour it out for oneself, paint +me a lovely young woman sitting at the table. Paint her arms like Aurora’s and +her smiles like Hebe’s. But no, dear M., not even in jest let me insinuate that +thy power to illuminate my cottage rests upon a tenure so perishable as mere +personal beauty, or that the witchcraft of angelic smiles lies within the +empire of any earthly pencil. Pass then, my good painter, to something more +within its power; and the next article brought forward should naturally be +myself—a picture of the Opium-eater, with his “little golden receptacle +of the pernicious drug” lying beside him on the table. As to the opium, I have +no objection to see a picture of <i>that</i>, though I would rather see the +original. You may paint it if you choose, but I apprise you that no “little” +receptacle would, even in 1816, answer <i>my</i> purpose, who was at a distance +from the “stately Pantheon,” and all druggists (mortal or otherwise). No, you +may as well paint the real receptacle, which was not of gold, but of glass, and +as much like a wine-decanter as possible. Into this you may put a quart of +ruby-coloured laudanum; that, and a book of German Metaphysics placed by its +side, will sufficiently attest my being in the neighbourhood. But as to +myself—there I demur. I admit that, naturally, I ought to occupy the +foreground of the picture; that being the hero of the piece, or (if you choose) +the criminal at the bar, my body should be had into court. This seems +reasonable; but why should I confess on this point to a painter? or why confess +at all? If the public (into whose private ear I am confidentially whispering my +confessions, and not into any painter’s) should chance to have framed some +agreeable picture for itself of the Opium-eater’s exterior, should have +ascribed to him, romantically an elegant person or a handsome face, why should +I barbarously tear from it so pleasing a delusion—pleasing both to the +public and to me? No; paint me, if at all, according to your own fancy, and as +a painter’s fancy should teem with beautiful creations, I cannot fail in that +way to be a gainer. And now, reader, we have run through all the ten categories +of my condition as it stood about 1816-17, up to the middle of which latter +year I judge myself to have been a happy man, and the elements of that +happiness I have endeavoured to place before you in the above sketch of the +interior of a scholar’s library, in a cottage among the mountains, on a stormy +winter evening. +</p> + +<p> +But now, farewell—a long farewell—to happiness, winter or summer! +Farewell to smiles and laughter! Farewell to peace of mind! Farewell to hope +and to tranquil dreams, and to the blessed consolations of sleep. For more than +three years and a half I am summoned away from these. I am now arrived at an +Iliad of woes, for I have now to record +</p> + +<h3>THE PAINS OF OPIUM</h3> + +<p class="poem"> +—as when some great painter dips<br/> +His pencil in the gloom of earthquake and eclipse. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +S<small>HELLEY’S</small> <i>Revolt of Islam</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Reader, who have thus far accompanied me, I must request your attention to a +brief explanatory note on three points: +</p> + +<p> +1. For several reasons I have not been able to compose the notes for this part +of my narrative into any regular and connected shape. I give the notes +disjointed as I find them, or have now drawn them up from memory. Some of them +point to their own date, some I have dated, and some are undated. Whenever it +could answer my purpose to transplant them from the natural or chronological +order, I have not scrupled to do so. Sometimes I speak in the present, +sometimes in the past tense. Few of the notes, perhaps, were written exactly at +the period of time to which they relate; but this can little affect their +accuracy, as the impressions were such that they can never fade from my mind. +Much has been omitted. I could not, without effort, constrain myself to the +task of either recalling, or constructing into a regular narrative, the whole +burthen of horrors which lies upon my brain. This feeling partly I plead in +excuse, and partly that I am now in London, and am a helpless sort of person, +who cannot even arrange his own papers without assistance; and I am separated +from the hands which are wont to perform for me the offices of an amanuensis. +</p> + +<p> +2. You will think perhaps that I am too confidential and communicative of my +own private history. It may be so. But my way of writing is rather to think +aloud, and follow my own humours, than much to consider who is listening to me; +and if I stop to consider what is proper to be said to this or that person, I +shall soon come to doubt whether any part at all is proper. The fact is, I +place myself at a distance of fifteen or twenty years ahead of this time, and +suppose myself writing to those who will be interested about me hereafter; and +wishing to have some record of time, the entire history of which no one can +know but myself, I do it as fully as I am able with the efforts I am now +capable of making, because I know not whether I can ever find time to do it +again. +</p> + +<p> +3. It will occur to you often to ask, why did I not release myself from the +horrors of opium by leaving it off or diminishing it? To this I must answer +briefly: it might be supposed that I yielded to the fascinations of opium too +easily; it cannot be supposed that any man can be charmed by its terrors. The +reader may be sure, therefore, that I made attempts innumerable to reduce the +quantity. I add, that those who witnessed the agonies of those attempts, and +not myself, were the first to beg me to desist. But could not have I reduced it +a drop a day, or, by adding water, have bisected or trisected a drop? A +thousand drops bisected would thus have taken nearly six years to reduce, and +that way would certainly not have answered. But this is a common mistake of +those who know nothing of opium experimentally; I appeal to those who do, +whether it is not always found that down to a certain point it can be reduced +with ease and even pleasure, but that after that point further reduction causes +intense suffering. Yes, say many thoughtless persons, who know not what they +are talking of, you will suffer a little low spirits and dejection for a few +days. I answer, no; there is nothing like low spirits; on the contrary, the +mere animal spirits are uncommonly raised: the pulse is improved: the health is +better. It is not there that the suffering lies. It has no resemblance to the +sufferings caused by renouncing wine. It is a state of unutterable irritation +of stomach (which surely is not much like dejection), accompanied by intense +perspirations, and feelings such as I shall not attempt to describe without +more space at my command. +</p> + +<p> +I shall now enter <i>in medias res</i>, and shall anticipate, from a time when +my opium pains might be said to be at their <i>acmé</i>, an account of their +palsying effects on the intellectual faculties. +</p> + +<hr /> + +<p> +My studies have now been long interrupted. I cannot read to myself with any +pleasure, hardly with a moment’s endurance. Yet I read aloud sometimes for the +pleasure of others, because reading is an accomplishment of mine, and, in the +slang use of the word “accomplishment” as a superficial and ornamental +attainment, almost the only one I possess; and formerly, if I had any vanity at +all connected with any endowment or attainment of mine, it was with this, for I +had observed that no accomplishment was so rare. Players are the worst readers +of all: —— reads vilely; and Mrs. ——, who is so +celebrated, can read nothing well but dramatic compositions: Milton she cannot +read sufferably. People in general either read poetry without any passion at +all, or else overstep the modesty of nature, and read not like scholars. Of +late, if I have felt moved by anything it has been by the grand lamentations of +Samson Agonistes, or the great harmonies of the Satanic speeches in Paradise +Regained, when read aloud by myself. A young lady sometimes comes and drinks +tea with us: at her request and M.’s, I now and then read W-’s poems to them. +(W., by-the-bye is the only poet I ever met who could read his own verses: +often indeed he reads admirably.) +</p> + +<p> +For nearly two years I believe that I read no book, but one; and I owe it to +the author, in discharge of a great debt of gratitude, to mention what that +was. The sublimer and more passionate poets I still read, as I have said, by +snatches, and occasionally. But my proper vocation, as I well know, was the +exercise of the analytic understanding. Now, for the most part analytic studies +are continuous, and not to be pursued by fits and starts, or fragmentary +efforts. Mathematics, for instance, intellectual philosophy, &c, were all +become insupportable to me; I shrunk from them with a sense of powerless and +infantine feebleness that gave me an anguish the greater from remembering the +time when I grappled with them to my own hourly delight; and for this further +reason, because I had devoted the labour of my whole life, and had dedicated my +intellect, blossoms and fruits, to the slow and elaborate toil of constructing +one single work, to which I had presumed to give the title of an unfinished +work of Spinosa’s—viz., <i>De Emendatione Humani Intellectus</i>. This +was now lying locked up, as by frost, like any Spanish bridge or aqueduct, +begun upon too great a scale for the resources of the architect; and instead of +reviving me as a monument of wishes at least, and aspirations, and a life of +labour dedicated to the exaltation of human nature in that way in which God had +best fitted me to promote so great an object, it was likely to stand a memorial +to my children of hopes defeated, of baffled efforts, of materials uselessly +accumulated, of foundations laid that were never to support a +super-structure—of the grief and the ruin of the architect. In this state +of imbecility I had, for amusement, turned my attention to political economy; +my understanding, which formerly had been as active and restless as a +hyæna, could not, I suppose (so long as I lived at all) sink into utter +lethargy; and political economy offers this advantage to a person in my state, +that though it is eminently an organic science (no part, that is to say, but +what acts on the whole as the whole again reacts on each part), yet the several +parts may be detached and contemplated singly. Great as was the prostration of +my powers at this time, yet I could not forget my knowledge; and my +understanding had been for too many years intimate with severe thinkers, with +logic, and the great masters of knowledge, not to be aware of the utter +feebleness of the main herd of modern economists. I had been led in 1811 to +look into loads of books and pamphlets on many branches of economy; and, at my +desire, M. sometimes read to me chapters from more recent works, or parts of +parliamentary debates. I saw that these were generally the very dregs and +rinsings of the human intellect; and that any man of sound head, and practised +in wielding logic with a scholastic adroitness, might take up the whole academy +of modern economists, and throttle them between heaven and earth with his +finger and thumb, or bray their fungus-heads to powder with a lady’s fan. At +length, in 1819, a friend in Edinburgh sent me down Mr. Ricardo’s book; and +recurring to my own prophetic anticipation of the advent of some legislator for +this science, I said, before I had finished the first chapter, “Thou art the +man!” Wonder and curiosity were emotions that had long been dead in me. Yet I +wondered once more: I wondered at myself that I could once again be stimulated +to the effort of reading, and much more I wondered at the book. Had this +profound work been really written in England during the nineteenth century? Was +it possible? I supposed thinking <a name="citation19"></a><a +href="#footnote19">{19}</a> had been extinct in England. Could it be that an +Englishman, and he not in academic bowers, but oppressed by mercantile and +senatorial cares, had accomplished what all the universities of Europe and a +century of thought had failed even to advance by one hair’s breadth? All other +writers had been crushed and overlaid by the enormous weight of facts and +documents. Mr. Ricardo had deduced <i>à priori</i> from the understanding +itself laws which first gave a ray of light into the unwieldy chaos of +materials, and had constructed what had been but a collection of tentative +discussions into a science of regular proportions, now first standing on an +eternal basis. +</p> + +<p> +Thus did one single work of a profound understanding avail to give me a +pleasure and an activity which I had not known for years. It roused me even to +write, or at least to dictate what M. wrote for me. It seemed to me that some +important truths had escaped even “the inevitable eye” of Mr. Ricardo; and as +these were for the most part of such a nature that I could express or +illustrate them more briefly and elegantly by algebraic symbols than in the +usual clumsy and loitering diction of economists, the whole would not have +filled a pocket-book; and being so brief, with M. for my amanuensis, even at +this time, incapable as I was of all general exertion, I drew up my +<i>Prolegomena to all future Systems of Political Economy</i>. I hope it will +not be found redolent of opium; though, indeed, to most people the subject is a +sufficient opiate. +</p> + +<p> +This exertion, however, was but a temporary flash, as the sequel showed; for I +designed to publish my work. Arrangements were made at a provincial press, +about eighteen miles distant, for printing it. An additional compositor was +retained for some days on this account. The work was even twice advertised, and +I was in a manner pledged to the fulfilment of my intention. But I had a +preface to write, and a dedication, which I wished to make a splendid one, to +Mr. Ricardo. I found myself quite unable to accomplish all this. The +arrangements were countermanded, the compositor dismissed, and my “Prolegomena” +rested peacefully by the side of its elder and more dignified brother. +</p> + +<p> +I have thus described and illustrated my intellectual torpor in terms that +apply more or less to every part of the four years during which I was under the +Circean spells of opium. But for misery and suffering, I might indeed be said +to have existed in a dormant state. I seldom could prevail on myself to write a +letter; an answer of a few words to any that I received was the utmost that I +could accomplish, and often <i>that</i> not until the letter had lain weeks or +even months on my writing-table. Without the aid of M. all records of bills +paid or <i>to be</i> paid must have perished, and my whole domestic economy, +whatever became of Political Economy, must have gone into irretrievable +confusion. I shall not afterwards allude to this part of the case. It is one, +however, which the opium-eater will find, in the end, as oppressive and +tormenting as any other, from the sense of incapacity and feebleness, from the +direct embarrassments incident to the neglect or procrastination of each day’s +appropriate duties, and from the remorse which must often exasperate the stings +of these evils to a reflective and conscientious mind. The opium-eater loses +none of his moral sensibilities or aspirations. He wishes and longs as +earnestly as ever to realize what he believes possible, and feels to be exacted +by duty; but his intellectual apprehension of what is possible infinitely +outruns his power, not of execution only, but even of power to attempt. He lies +under the weight of incubus and nightmare; he lies in sight of all that he +would fain perform, just as a man forcibly confined to his bed by the mortal +languor of a relaxing disease, who is compelled to witness injury or outrage +offered to some object of his tenderest love: he curses the spells which chain +him down from motion; he would lay down his life if he might but get up and +walk; but he is powerless as an infant, and cannot even attempt to rise. +</p> + +<p> +I now pass to what is the main subject of these latter confessions, to the +history and journal of what took place in my dreams, for these were the +immediate and proximate cause of my acutest suffering. +</p> + +<p> +The first notice I had of any important change going on in this part of my +physical economy was from the reawakening of a state of eye generally incident +to childhood, or exalted states of irritability. I know not whether my reader +is aware that many children, perhaps most, have a power of painting, as it were +upon the darkness, all sorts of phantoms. In some that power is simply a +mechanical affection of the eye; others have a voluntary or semi-voluntary +power to dismiss or to summon them; or, as a child once said to me when I +questioned him on this matter, “I can tell them to go, and they go ——, but +sometimes they come when I don’t tell them to come.” Whereupon I told him that +he had almost as unlimited a command over apparitions as a Roman centurion over +his soldiers.—In the middle of 1817, I think it was, that this faculty +became positively distressing to me: at night, when I lay awake in bed, vast +processions passed along in mournful pomp; friezes of never-ending stories, +that to my feelings were as sad and solemn as if they were stories drawn from +times before Œdipus or Priam, before Tyre, before Memphis. And at the +same time a corresponding change took place in my dreams; a theatre seemed +suddenly opened and lighted up within my brain, which presented nightly +spectacles of more than earthly splendour. And the four following facts may be +mentioned as noticeable at this time: +</p> + +<p> +1. That as the creative state of the eye increased, a sympathy seemed to arise +between the waking and the dreaming states of the brain in one point—that +whatsoever I happened to call up and to trace by a voluntary act upon the +darkness was very apt to transfer itself to my dreams, so that I feared to +exercise this faculty; for, as Midas turned all things to gold that yet baffled +his hopes and defrauded his human desires, so whatsoever things capable of +being visually represented I did but think of in the darkness, immediately +shaped themselves into phantoms of the eye; and by a process apparently no less +inevitable, when thus once traced in faint and visionary colours, like writings +in sympathetic ink, they were drawn out by the fierce chemistry of my dreams +into insufferable splendour that fretted my heart. +</p> + +<p> +2. For this and all other changes in my dreams were accompanied by deep-seated +anxiety and gloomy melancholy, such as are wholly incommunicable by words. I +seemed every night to descend, not metaphorically, but literally to descend, +into chasms and sunless abysses, depths below depths, from which it seemed +hopeless that I could ever reascend. Nor did I, by waking, feel that I +<i>had</i> reascended. This I do not dwell upon; because the state of gloom +which attended these gorgeous spectacles, amounting at last to utter darkness, +as of some suicidal despondency, cannot be approached by words. +</p> + +<p> +3. The sense of space, and in the end the sense of time, were both powerfully +affected. Buildings, landscapes, &c., were exhibited in proportions so vast +as the bodily eye is not fitted to receive. Space swelled, and was amplified to +an extent of unutterable infinity. This, however, did not disturb me so much as +the vast expansion of time; I sometimes seemed to have lived for 70 or 100 +years in one night—nay, sometimes had feelings representative of a +millennium passed in that time, or, however, of a duration far beyond the +limits of any human experience. +</p> + +<p> +4. The minutest incidents of childhood, or forgotten scenes of later years, +were often revived: I could not be said to recollect them, for if I had been +told of them when waking, I should not have been able to acknowledge them as +parts of my past experience. But placed as they were before me, in dreams like +intuitions, and clothed in all their evanescent circumstances and accompanying +feelings, I <i>recognised</i> them instantaneously. I was once told by a near +relative of mine, that having in her childhood fallen into a river, and being +on the very verge of death but for the critical assistance which reached her, +she saw in a moment her whole life, in its minutest incidents, arrayed before +her simultaneously as in a mirror; and she had a faculty developed as suddenly +for comprehending the whole and every part. This, from some opium experiences +of mine, I can believe; I have indeed seen the same thing asserted twice in +modern books, and accompanied by a remark which I am convinced is true; viz., +that the dread book of account which the Scriptures speak of is in fact the +mind itself of each individual. Of this at least I feel assured, that there is +no such thing as <i>forgetting</i> possible to the mind; a thousand accidents +may and will interpose a veil between our present consciousness and the secret +inscriptions on the mind; accidents of the same sort will also rend away this +veil; but alike, whether veiled or unveiled, the inscription remains for ever, +just as the stars seem to withdraw before the common light of day, whereas in +fact we all know that it is the light which is drawn over them as a veil, and +that they are waiting to be revealed when the obscuring daylight shall have +withdrawn. +</p> + +<p> +Having noticed these four facts as memorably distinguishing my dreams from +those of health, I shall now cite a case illustrative of the first fact, and +shall then cite any others that I remember, either in their chronological +order, or any other that may give them more effect as pictures to the reader. +</p> + +<p> +I had been in youth, and even since, for occasional amusement, a great reader +of Livy, whom I confess that I prefer, both for style and matter, to any other +of the Roman historians; and I had often felt as most solemn and appalling +sounds, and most emphatically representative of the majesty of the Roman +people, the two words so often occurring in Livy—<i>Consul Romanus</i>, +especially when the consul is introduced in his military character. I mean to +say that the words king, sultan, regent, &c., or any other titles of those +who embody in their own persons the collective majesty of a great people, had +less power over my reverential feelings. I had also, though no great reader of +history, made myself minutely and critically familiar with one period of +English history, viz., the period of the Parliamentary War, having been +attracted by the moral grandeur of some who figured in that day, and by the +many interesting memoirs which survive those unquiet times. Both these parts of +my lighter reading, having furnished me often with matter of reflection, now +furnished me with matter for my dreams. Often I used to see, after painting +upon the blank darkness a sort of rehearsal whilst waking, a crowd of ladies, +and perhaps a festival and dances. And I heard it said, or I said to myself, +“These are English ladies from the unhappy times of Charles I. These are the +wives and the daughters of those who met in peace, and sate at the same table, +and were allied by marriage or by blood; and yet, after a certain day in August +1642, never smiled upon each other again, nor met but in the field of battle; +and at Marston Moor, at Newbury, or at Naseby, cut asunder all ties of love by +the cruel sabre, and washed away in blood the memory of ancient friendship.” +The ladies danced, and looked as lovely as the court of George IV. Yet I knew, +even in my dream, that they had been in the grave for nearly two centuries. +This pageant would suddenly dissolve; and at a clapping of hands would be heard +the heart-quaking sound <i>of Consul Romanus</i>; and immediately came +“sweeping by,” in gorgeous paludaments, Paulus or Marius, girt round by a +company of centurions, with the crimson tunic hoisted on a spear, and followed +by the <i>alalagmos</i> of the Roman legions. +</p> + +<p> +Many years ago, when I was looking over Piranesi’s Antiquities of Rome, Mr. +Coleridge, who was standing by, described to me a set of plates by that artist, +called his <i>Dreams</i>, and which record the scenery of his own visions +during the delirium of a fever. Some of them (I describe only from memory of +Mr. Coleridge’s account) represented vast Gothic halls, on the floor of which +stood all sorts of engines and machinery, wheels, cables, pulleys, levers, +catapults, &c. &c., expressive of enormous power put forth and +resistance overcome. Creeping along the sides of the walls you perceived a +staircase; and upon it, groping his way upwards, was Piranesi himself: follow +the stairs a little further and you perceive it come to a sudden and abrupt +termination without any balustrade, and allowing no step onwards to him who had +reached the extremity except into the depths below. Whatever is to become of +poor Piranesi, you suppose at least that his labours must in some way terminate +here. But raise your eyes, and behold a second flight of stairs still higher, +on which again Piranesi is perceived, but this time standing on the very brink +of the abyss. Again elevate your eye, and a still more aërial flight of +stairs is beheld, and again is poor Piranesi busy on his aspiring labours; and +so on, until the unfinished stairs and Piranesi both are lost in the upper +gloom of the hall. With the same power of endless growth and self-reproduction +did my architecture proceed in dreams. In the early stage of my malady the +splendours of my dreams were indeed chiefly architectural; and I beheld such +pomp of cities and palaces as was never yet beheld by the waking eye unless in +the clouds. From a great modern poet I cite part of a passage which describes, +as an appearance actually beheld in the clouds, what in many of its +circumstances I saw frequently in sleep: +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +The appearance, instantaneously disclosed,<br/> +Was of a mighty city—boldly say<br/> +A wilderness of building, sinking far<br/> +And self-withdrawn into a wondrous depth,<br/> +Far sinking into splendour—without end!<br/> +Fabric it seem’d of diamond, and of gold,<br/> +With alabaster domes, and silver spires,<br/> +And blazing terrace upon terrace, high<br/> +Uplifted; here, serene pavilions bright<br/> +In avenues disposed; there towers begirt<br/> +With battlements that on their restless fronts<br/> +Bore stars—illumination of all gems!<br/> +By earthly nature had the effect been wrought<br/> +Upon the dark materials of the storm<br/> +Now pacified; on them, and on the coves,<br/> +And mountain-steeps and summits, whereunto<br/> +The vapours had receded,—taking there<br/> +Their station under a Cerulean sky. &c. &c. +</p> + +<p> +The sublime circumstance, “battlements that on their <i>restless</i> fronts +bore stars,” might have been copied from my architectural dreams, for it often +occurred. We hear it reported of Dryden and of Fuseli, in modern times, that +they thought proper to eat raw meat for the sake of obtaining splendid dreams: +how much better for such a purpose to have eaten opium, which yet I do not +remember that any poet is recorded to have done, except the dramatist Shadwell; +and in ancient days Homer is I think rightly reputed to have known the virtues +of opium. +</p> + +<p> +To my architecture succeeded dreams of lakes and silvery expanses of water: +these haunted me so much that I feared (though possibly it will appear +ludicrous to a medical man) that some dropsical state or tendency of the brain +might thus be making itself (to use a metaphysical word) <i>objective</i>; and +the sentient organ <i>project</i> itself as its own object. For two months I +suffered greatly in my head, a part of my bodily structure which had hitherto +been so clear from all touch or taint of weakness (physically I mean) that I +used to say of it, as the last Lord Orford said of his stomach, that it seemed +likely to survive the rest of my person. Till now I had never felt a headache +even, or any the slightest pain, except rheumatic pains caused by my own folly. +However, I got over this attack, though it must have been verging on something +very dangerous. +</p> + +<p> +The waters now changed their character—from translucent lakes shining +like mirrors they now became seas and oceans. And now came a tremendous change, +which, unfolding itself slowly like a scroll through many months, promised an +abiding torment; and in fact it never left me until the winding up of my case. +Hitherto the human face had mixed often in my dreams, but not despotically nor +with any special power of tormenting. But now that which I have called the +tyranny of the human face began to unfold itself. Perhaps some part of my +London life might be answerable for this. Be that as it may, now it was that +upon the rocking waters of the ocean the human face began to appear; the sea +appeared paved with innumerable faces upturned to the heavens—faces +imploring, wrathful, despairing, surged upwards by thousands, by myriads, by +generations, by centuries: my agitation was infinite; my mind tossed and surged +with the ocean. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +<i>May</i>, 1818 +</p> + +<p> +The Malay has been a fearful enemy for months. I have been every night, through +his means, transported into Asiatic scenes. I know not whether others share in +my feelings on this point; but I have often thought that if I were compelled to +forego England, and to live in China, and among Chinese manners and modes of +life and scenery, I should go mad. The causes of my horror lie deep, and some +of them must be common to others. Southern Asia in general is the seat of awful +images and associations. As the cradle of the human race, it would alone have a +dim and reverential feeling connected with it. But there are other reasons. No +man can pretend that the wild, barbarous, and capricious superstitions of +Africa, or of savage tribes elsewhere, affect him in the way that he is +affected by the ancient, monumental, cruel, and elaborate religions of +Indostan, &c. The mere antiquity of Asiatic things, of their institutions, +histories, modes of faith, &c., is so impressive, that to me the vast age +of the race and name overpowers the sense of youth in the individual. A young +Chinese seems to me an antediluvian man renewed. Even Englishmen, though not +bred in any knowledge of such institutions, cannot but shudder at the mystic +sublimity of <i>castes</i> that have flowed apart, and refused to mix, through +such immemorial tracts of time; nor can any man fail to be awed by the names of +the Ganges or the Euphrates. It contributes much to these feelings that +southern Asia is, and has been for thousands of years, the part of the earth +most swarming with human life, the great <i>officina gentium</i>. Man is a weed +in those regions. The vast empires also in which the enormous population of +Asia has always been cast, give a further sublimity to the feelings associated +with all Oriental names or images. In China, over and above what it has in +common with the rest of southern Asia, I am terrified by the modes of life, by +the manners, and the barrier of utter abhorrence and want of sympathy placed +between us by feelings deeper than I can analyse. I could sooner live with +lunatics or brute animals. All this, and much more than I can say or have time +to say, the reader must enter into before he can comprehend the unimaginable +horror which these dreams of Oriental imagery and mythological tortures +impressed upon me. Under the connecting feeling of tropical heat and vertical +sunlights I brought together all creatures, birds, beasts, reptiles, all trees +and plants, usages and appearances, that are found in all tropical regions, and +assembled them together in China or Indostan. From kindred feelings, I soon +brought Egypt and all her gods under the same law. I was stared at, hooted at, +grinned at, chattered at, by monkeys, by parroquets, by cockatoos. I ran into +pagodas, and was fixed for centuries at the summit or in secret rooms: I was +the idol; I was the priest; I was worshipped; I was sacrificed. I fled from the +wrath of Brama through all the forests of Asia: Vishnu hated me: Seeva laid +wait for me. I came suddenly upon Isis and Osiris: I had done a deed, they +said, which the ibis and the crocodile trembled at. I was buried for a thousand +years in stone coffins, with mummies and sphynxes, in narrow chambers at the +heart of eternal pyramids. I was kissed, with cancerous kisses, by crocodiles; +and laid, confounded with all unutterable slimy things, amongst reeds and +Nilotic mud. +</p> + +<p> +I thus give the reader some slight abstraction of my Oriental dreams, which +always filled me with such amazement at the monstrous scenery that horror +seemed absorbed for a while in sheer astonishment. Sooner or later came a +reflux of feeling that swallowed up the astonishment, and left me not so much +in terror as in hatred and abomination of what I saw. Over every form, and +threat, and punishment, and dim sightless incarceration, brooded a sense of +eternity and infinity that drove me into an oppression as of madness. Into +these dreams only it was, with one or two slight exceptions, that any +circumstances of physical horror entered. All before had been moral and +spiritual terrors. But here the main agents were ugly birds, or snakes, or +crocodiles; especially the last. The cursed crocodile became to me the object +of more horror than almost all the rest. I was compelled to live with him, and +(as was always the case almost in my dreams) for centuries. I escaped +sometimes, and found myself in Chinese houses, with cane tables, &c. All +the feet of the tables, sofas, &c., soon became instinct with life: the +abominable head of the crocodile, and his leering eyes, looked out at me, +multiplied into a thousand repetitions; and I stood loathing and fascinated. +And so often did this hideous reptile haunt my dreams that many times the very +same dream was broken up in the very same way: I heard gentle voices speaking +to me (I hear everything when I am sleeping), and instantly I awoke. It was +broad noon, and my children were standing, hand in hand, at my +bedside—come to show me their coloured shoes, or new frocks, or to let me +see them dressed for going out. I protest that so awful was the transition from +the damned crocodile, and the other unutterable monsters and abortions of my +dreams, to the sight of innocent <i>human</i> natures and of infancy, that in +the mighty and sudden revulsion of mind I wept, and could not forbear it, as I +kissed their faces. +</p> + +<p class="right"> +June 1819 +</p> + +<p> +I have had occasion to remark, at various periods of my life, that the deaths +of those whom we love, and indeed the contemplation of death generally, is +(<i>cæteris paribus</i>) more affecting in summer than in any other season of +the year. And the reasons are these three, I think: first, that the visible +heavens in summer appear far higher, more distant, and (if such a solecism may +be excused) more infinite; the clouds, by which chiefly the eye expounds the +distance of the blue pavilion stretched over our heads, are in summer more +voluminous, massed and accumulated in far grander and more towering piles. +Secondly, the light and the appearances of the declining and the setting sun +are much more fitted to be types and characters of the Infinite. And thirdly +(which is the main reason), the exuberant and riotous prodigality of life +naturally forces the mind more powerfully upon the antagonist thought of death, +and the wintry sterility of the grave. For it may be observed generally, that +wherever two thoughts stand related to each other by a law of antagonism, and +exist, as it were, by mutual repulsion, they are apt to suggest each other. On +these accounts it is that I find it impossible to banish the thought of death +when I am walking alone in the endless days of summer; and any particular +death, if not more affecting, at least haunts my mind more obstinately and +besiegingly in that season. Perhaps this cause, and a slight incident which I +omit, might have been the immediate occasions of the following dream, to which, +however, a predisposition must always have existed in my mind; but having been +once roused it never left me, and split into a thousand fantastic varieties, +which often suddenly reunited, and composed again the original dream. +</p> + +<p> +I thought that it was a Sunday morning in May, that it was Easter Sunday, and +as yet very early in the morning. I was standing, as it seemed to me, at the +door of my own cottage. Right before me lay the very scene which could really +be commanded from that situation, but exalted, as was usual, and solemnised by +the power of dreams. There were the same mountains, and the same lovely valley +at their feet; but the mountains were raised to more than Alpine height, and +there was interspace far larger between them of meadows and forest lawns; the +hedges were rich with white roses; and no living creature was to be seen, +excepting that in the green churchyard there were cattle tranquilly reposing +upon the verdant graves, and particularly round about the grave of a child whom +I had tenderly loved, just as I had really beheld them, a little before sunrise +in the same summer, when that child died. I gazed upon the well-known scene, +and I said aloud (as I thought) to myself, “It yet wants much of sunrise, and +it is Easter Sunday; and that is the day on which they celebrate the first +fruits of resurrection. I will walk abroad; old griefs shall be forgotten +to-day; for the air is cool and still, and the hills are high and stretch away +to heaven; and the forest glades are as quiet as the churchyard, and with the +dew I can wash the fever from my forehead, and then I shall be unhappy no +longer.” And I turned as if to open my garden gate, and immediately I saw upon +the left a scene far different, but which yet the power of dreams had +reconciled into harmony with the other. The scene was an Oriental one, and +there also it was Easter Sunday, and very early in the morning. And at a vast +distance were visible, as a stain upon the horizon, the domes and cupolas of a +great city—an image or faint abstraction, caught perhaps in childhood +from some picture of Jerusalem. And not a bow-shot from me, upon a stone and +shaded by Judean palms, there sat a woman, and I looked, and it was—Ann! +She fixed her eyes upon me earnestly, and I said to her at length: “So, then, I +have found you at last.” I waited, but she answered me not a word. Her face was +the same as when I saw it last, and yet again how different! Seventeen years +ago, when the lamplight fell upon her face, as for the last time I kissed her +lips (lips, Ann, that to me were not polluted), her eyes were streaming with +tears: the tears were now wiped away; she seemed more beautiful than she was at +that time, but in all other points the same, and not older. Her looks were +tranquil, but with unusual solemnity of expression, and I now gazed upon her +with some awe; but suddenly her countenance grew dim, and turning to the +mountains I perceived vapours rolling between us. In a moment all had vanished, +thick darkness came on, and in the twinkling of an eye I was far away from +mountains, and by lamplight in Oxford Street, walking again with Ann—just +as we walked seventeen years before, when we were both children. +</p> + +<p> +As a final specimen, I cite one of a different character, from 1820. +</p> + +<p> +The dream commenced with a music which now I often heard in dreams—a +music of preparation and of awakening suspense, a music like the opening of the +Coronation Anthem, and which, like <i>that</i>, gave the feeling of a vast +march, of infinite cavalcades filing off, and the tread of innumerable armies. +The morning was come of a mighty day—a day of crisis and of final hope +for human nature, then suffering some mysterious eclipse, and labouring in some +dread extremity. Somewhere, I knew not where—somehow, I knew not +how—by some beings, I knew not whom—a battle, a strife, an agony, +was conducting, was evolving like a great drama or piece of music, with which +my sympathy was the more insupportable from my confusion as to its place, its +cause, its nature, and its possible issue. I, as is usual in dreams (where of +necessity we make ourselves central to every movement), had the power, and yet +had not the power, to decide it. I had the power, if I could raise myself to +will it, and yet again had not the power, for the weight of twenty Atlantics +was upon me, or the oppression of inexpiable guilt. “Deeper than ever plummet +sounded,” I lay inactive. Then like a chorus the passion deepened. Some greater +interest was at stake, some mightier cause than ever yet the sword had pleaded, +or trumpet had proclaimed. Then came sudden alarms, hurryings to and fro, +trepidations of innumerable fugitives—I knew not whether from the good +cause or the bad, darkness and lights, tempest and human faces, and at last, +with the sense that all was lost, female forms, and the features that were +worth all the world to me, and but a moment allowed—and clasped hands, +and heart-breaking partings, and then—everlasting farewells! And with a +sigh, such as the caves of Hell sighed when the incestuous mother uttered the +abhorred name of death, the sound was reverberated—everlasting farewells! +And again and yet again reverberated—everlasting farewells! +</p> + +<p> +And I awoke in struggles, and cried aloud—“I will sleep no more.” +</p> + +<p> +But I am now called upon to wind up a narrative which has already extended to +an unreasonable length. Within more spacious limits the materials which I have +used might have been better unfolded, and much which I have not used might have +been added with effect. Perhaps, however, enough has been given. It now remains +that I should say something of the way in which this conflict of horrors was +finally brought to a crisis. The reader is already aware (from a passage near +the beginning of the introduction to the first part) that the Opium-eater has, +in some way or other, “unwound almost to its final links the accursed chain +which bound him.” By what means? To have narrated this according to the +original intention would have far exceeded the space which can now be allowed. +It is fortunate, as such a cogent reason exists for abridging it, that I +should, on a maturer view of the case, have been exceedingly unwilling to +injure, by any such unaffecting details, the impression of the history itself, +as an appeal to the prudence and the conscience of the yet unconfirmed +opium-eater—or even (though a very inferior consideration) to injure its +effect as a composition. The interest of the judicious reader will not attach +itself chiefly to the subject of the fascinating spells, but to the fascinating +power. Not the Opium-eater, but the opium, is the true hero of the tale, and +the legitimate centre on which the interest revolves. The object was to display +the marvellous agency of opium, whether for pleasure or for pain: if that is +done, the action of the piece has closed. +</p> + +<p> +However, as some people, in spite of all laws to the contrary, will persist in +asking what became of the Opium-eater, and in what state he now is, I answer +for him thus: The reader is aware that opium had long ceased to found its +empire on spells of pleasure; it was solely by the tortures connected with the +attempt to abjure it that it kept its hold. Yet, as other tortures, no less it +may be thought, attended the non-abjuration of such a tyrant, a choice only of +evils was left; and <i>that</i> might as well have been adopted which, however +terrific in itself, held out a prospect of final restoration to happiness. This +appears true; but good logic gave the author no strength to act upon it. +However, a crisis arrived for the author’s life, and a crisis for other objects +still dearer to him—and which will always be far dearer to him than his +life, even now that it is again a happy one. I saw that I must die if I +continued the opium. I determined, therefore, if that should be required, to +die in throwing it off. How much I was at that time taking I cannot say, for +the opium which I used had been purchased for me by a friend, who afterwards +refused to let me pay him; so that I could not ascertain even what quantity I +had used within the year. I apprehend, however, that I took it very +irregularly, and that I varied from about fifty or sixty grains to 150 a day. +My first task was to reduce it to forty, to thirty, and as fast as I could to +twelve grains. +</p> + +<p> +I triumphed. But think not, reader, that therefore my sufferings were ended, +nor think of me as of one sitting in a <i>dejected</i> state. Think of me as +one, even when four months had passed, still agitated, writhing, throbbing, +palpitating, shattered, and much perhaps in the situation of him who has been +racked, as I collect the torments of that state from the affecting account of +them left by a most innocent sufferer <a name="citation20"></a><a +href="#footnote20">{20}</a> of the times of James I. Meantime, I derived no +benefit from any medicine, except one prescribed to me by an Edinburgh surgeon +of great eminence, viz., ammoniated tincture of valerian. Medical account, +therefore, of my emancipation I have not much to give, and even that little, as +managed by a man so ignorant of medicine as myself, would probably tend only to +mislead. At all events, it would be misplaced in this situation. The moral of +the narrative is addressed to the opium-eater, and therefore of necessity +limited in its application. If he is taught to fear and tremble, enough has +been effected. But he may say that the issue of my case is at least a proof +that opium, after a seventeen years’ use and an eight years’ abuse of its +powers, may still be renounced, and that <i>he</i> may chance to bring to the +task greater energy than I did, or that with a stronger constitution than mine +he may obtain the same results with less. This may be true. I would not presume +to measure the efforts of other men by my own. I heartily wish him more energy. +I wish him the same success. Nevertheless, I had motives external to myself +which he may unfortunately want, and these supplied me with conscientious +supports which mere personal interests might fail to supply to a mind +debilitated by opium. +</p> + +<p> +Jeremy Taylor conjectures that it may be as painful to be born as to die. I +think it probable; and during the whole period of diminishing the opium I had +the torments of a man passing out of one mode of existence into another. The +issue was not death, but a sort of physical regeneration; and I may add that +ever since, at intervals, I have had a restoration of more than youthful +spirits, though under the pressure of difficulties which in a less happy state +of mind I should have called misfortunes. +</p> + +<p> +One memorial of my former condition still remains—my dreams are not yet +perfectly calm; the dread swell and agitation of the storm have not wholly +subsided; the legions that encamped in them are drawing off, but not all +departed; my sleep is still tumultuous, and, like the gates of Paradise to our +first parents when looking back from afar, it is still (in the tremendous line +of Milton) +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +With dreadful faces throng’d, and fiery arms. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>APPENDIX</h2> + +<p> +From the “London Magazine” for December 1822. +</p> + +<p> +The interest excited by the two papers bearing this title, in our numbers for +September and October 1821, will have kept our promise of a Third Part fresh in +the remembrance of our readers. That we are still unable to fulfil our +engagement in its original meaning will, we, are sure, be matter of regret to +them as to ourselves, especially when they have perused the following affecting +narrative. It was composed for the purpose of being appended to an edition of +the Confessions in a separate volume, which is already before the public, and +we have reprinted it entire, that our subscribers may be in possession of the +whole of this extraordinary history. +</p> + +<hr /> + +<p> +The proprietors of this little work having determined on reprinting it, some +explanation seems called for, to account for the non-appearance of a third part +promised in the <i>London Magazine</i> of December last; and the more so +because the proprietors, under whose guarantee that promise was issued, might +otherwise be implicated in the blame—little or much—attached to its +non-fulfilment. This blame, in mere justice, the author takes wholly upon +himself. What may be the exact amount of the guilt which he thus appropriates +is a very dark question to his own judgment, and not much illuminated by any of +the masters in casuistry whom he has consulted on the occasion. On the one hand +it seems generally agreed that a promise is binding in the inverse ratio of the +numbers to whom it is made; for which reason it is that we see many persons +break promises without scruple that are made to a whole nation, who keep their +faith religiously in all private engagements, breaches of promise towards the +stronger party being committed at a man’s own peril; on the other hand, the +only parties interested in the promises of an author are his readers, and these +it is a point of modesty in any author to believe as few as possible—or +perhaps only one, in which case any promise imposes a sanctity of moral +obligation which it is shocking to think of. Casuistry dismissed, however, the +author throws himself on the indulgent consideration of all who may conceive +themselves aggrieved by his delay, in the following account of his own +condition from the end of last year, when the engagement was made, up nearly to +the present time. For any purpose of self-excuse it might be sufficient to say +that intolerable bodily suffering had totally disabled him for almost any +exertion of mind, more especially for such as demands and presupposes a +pleasurable and genial state of feeling; but, as a case that may by possibility +contribute a trifle to the medical history of opium, in a further stage of its +action than can often have been brought under the notice of professional men, +he has judged that it might be acceptable to some readers to have it described +more at length. <i>Fiat experimentum in corpore vili</i> is a just rule where +there is any reasonable presumption of benefit to arise on a large scale. What +the benefit may be will admit of a doubt, but there can be none as to the value +of the body; for a more worthless body than his own the author is free to +confess cannot be. It is his pride to believe that it is the very ideal of a +base, crazy, despicable human system, that hardly ever could have been meant to +be seaworthy for two days under the ordinary storms and wear and tear of life; +and indeed, if that were the creditable way of disposing of human bodies, he +must own that he should almost be ashamed to bequeath his wretched structure to +any respectable dog. But now to the case, which, for the sake of avoiding the +constant recurrence of a cumbersome periphrasis, the author will take the +liberty of giving in the first person. +</p> + +<hr /> + +<p> +Those who have read the Confessions will have closed them with the impression +that I had wholly renounced the use of opium. This impression I meant to +convey, and that for two reasons: first, because the very act of deliberately +recording such a state of suffering necessarily presumes in the recorder a +power of surveying his own case as a cool spectator, and a degree of spirits +for adequately describing it which it would be inconsistent to suppose in any +person speaking from the station of an actual sufferer; secondly, because I, +who had descended from so large a quantity as 8,000 drops to so small a one +(comparatively speaking) as a quantity ranging between 300 and 160 drops, might +well suppose that the victory was in effect achieved. In suffering my readers, +therefore, to think of me as of a reformed opium-eater, I left no impression +but what I shared myself; and, as may be seen, even this impression was left to +be collected from the general tone of the conclusion, and not from any specific +words, which are in no instance at variance with the literal truth. In no long +time after that paper was written I became sensible that the effort which +remained would cost me far more energy than I had anticipated, and the +necessity for making it was more apparent every month. In particular I became +aware of an increasing callousness or defect of sensibility in the stomach, and +this I imagined might imply a scirrhous state of that organ, either formed or +forming. An eminent physician, to whose kindness I was at that time deeply +indebted, informed me that such a termination of my case was not impossible, +though likely to be forestalled by a different termination in the event of my +continuing the use of opium. Opium therefore I resolved wholly to abjure as +soon as I should find myself at liberty to bend my undivided attention and +energy to this purpose. It was not, however, until the 24th of June last that +any tolerable concurrence of facilities for such an attempt arrived. On that +day I began my experiment, having previously settled in my own mind that I +would not flinch, but would “stand up to the scratch” under any possible +“punishment.” I must premise that about 170 or 180 drops had been my ordinary +allowance for many months; occasionally I had run up as high as 500, and once +nearly to 700; in repeated preludes to my final experiment I had also gone as +low as 100 drops; but had found it impossible to stand it beyond the fourth +day—which, by the way, I have always found more difficult to get over +than any of the preceding three. I went off under easy sail—130 drops a +day for three days; on the fourth I plunged at once to 80. The misery which I +now suffered “took the conceit” out of me at once, and for about a month I +continued off and on about this mark; then I sunk to 60, and the next day +to—none at all. This was the first day for nearly ten years that I had +existed without opium. I persevered in my abstinence for ninety hours; i.e., +upwards of half a week. Then I took—ask me not how much; say, ye +severest, what would ye have done? Then I abstained again—then took about +25 drops then abstained; and so on. +</p> + +<p> +Meantime the symptoms which attended my case for the first six weeks of my +experiment were these: enormous irritability and excitement of the whole +system; the stomach in particular restored to a full feeling of vitality and +sensibility, but often in great pain; unceasing restlessness night and day; +sleep—I scarcely knew what it was; three hours out of the twenty-four was +the utmost I had, and that so agitated and shallow that I heard every sound +that was near me. Lower jaw constantly swelling, mouth ulcerated, and many +other distressing symptoms that would be tedious to repeat; amongst which, +however, I must mention one, because it had never failed to accompany any +attempt to renounce opium—viz., violent sternutation. This now became +exceedingly troublesome, sometimes lasting for two hours at once, and recurring +at least twice or three times a day. I was not much surprised at this on +recollecting what I had somewhere heard or read, that the membrane which lines +the nostrils is a prolongation of that which lines the stomach; whence, I +believe, are explained the inflammatory appearances about the nostrils of dram +drinkers. The sudden restoration of its original sensibility to the stomach +expressed itself, I suppose, in this way. It is remarkable also that during the +whole period of years through which I had taken opium I had never once caught +cold (as the phrase is), nor even the slightest cough. But now a violent cold +attacked me, and a cough soon after. In an unfinished fragment of a letter +begun about this time to ——, I find these words: “You ask me to +write the ——. Do you know Beaumont and Fletcher’s play of “Thierry +and Theodore”? There you will see my case as to sleep; nor is it much of an +exaggeration in other features. I protest to you that I have a greater influx +of thoughts in one hour at present than in a whole year under the reign of +opium. It seems as though all the thoughts which had been frozen up for a +decade of years by opium had now, according to the old fable, been thawed at +once—such a multitude stream in upon me from all quarters. Yet such is my +impatience and hideous irritability that for one which I detain and write down +fifty escape me: in spite of my weariness from suffering and want of sleep, I +cannot stand still or sit for two minutes together. ‘I nunc, et versus tecum +meditare canoros.’” +</p> + +<p> +At this stage of my experiment I sent to a neighbouring surgeon, requesting +that he would come over to see me. In the evening he came; and after briefly +stating the case to him, I asked this question; Whether he did not think that +the opium might have acted as a stimulus to the digestive organs, and that the +present state of suffering in the stomach, which manifestly was the cause of +the inability to sleep, might arise from indigestion? His answer was; No; on +the contrary, he thought that the suffering was caused by digestion itself, +which should naturally go on below the consciousness, but which from the +unnatural state of the stomach, vitiated by so long a use of opium, was become +distinctly perceptible. This opinion was plausible; and the unintermitting +nature of the suffering disposes me to think that it was true, for if it had +been any mere <i>irregular</i> affection of the stomach, it should naturally +have intermitted occasionally, and constantly fluctuated as to degree. The +intention of nature, as manifested in the healthy state, obviously is to +withdraw from our notice all the vital motions, such as the circulation of the +blood, the expansion and contraction of the lungs, the peristaltic action of +the stomach, &c., and opium, it seems, is able in this, as in other +instances, to counteract her purposes. By the advice of the surgeon I tried +<i>bitters</i>. For a short time these greatly mitigated the feelings under +which I laboured, but about the forty-second day of the experiment the symptoms +already noticed began to retire, and new ones to arise of a different and far +more tormenting class; under these, but with a few intervals of remission, I +have since continued to suffer. But I dismiss them undescribed for two reasons: +first, because the mind revolts from retracing circumstantially any sufferings +from which it is removed by too short or by no interval. To do this with +minuteness enough to make the review of any use would be indeed <i>infandum +renovare dolorem</i>, and possibly without a sufficient motive; for secondly, I +doubt whether this latter state be anyway referable to opium—positively +considered, or even negatively; that is, whether it is to be numbered amongst +the last evils from the direct action of opium, or even amongst the earliest +evils consequent upon a <i>want</i> of opium in a system long deranged by its +use. Certainly one part of the symptoms might be accounted for from the time of +year (August), for though the summer was not a hot one, yet in any case the sum +of all the heat <i>funded</i> (if one may say so) during the previous months, +added to the existing heat of that month, naturally renders August in its +better half the hottest part of the year; and it so happened that—the +excessive perspiration which even at Christmas attends any great reduction in +the daily quantum of opium—and which in July was so violent as to oblige +me to use a bath five or six times a day—had about the setting-in of the +hottest season wholly retired, on which account any bad effect of the heat +might be the more unmitigated. Another symptom—viz., what in my ignorance +I call internal rheumatism (sometimes affecting the shoulders, &c., but +more often appearing to be seated in the stomach)—seemed again less +probably attributable to the opium, or the want of opium, than to the dampness +of the house <a name="citation21"></a><a href="#footnote21">{21}</a> which I +inhabit, which had about this time attained its maximum, July having been, as +usual, a month of incessant rain in our most rainy part of England. +</p> + +<p> +Under these reasons for doubting whether opium had any connexion with the +latter stage of my bodily wretchedness—except, indeed, as an occasional +cause, as having left the body weaker and more crazy, and thus predisposed to +any mal-influence whatever—I willingly spare my reader all description of +it; let it perish to him, and would that I could as easily say let it perish to +my own remembrances, that any future hours of tranquillity may not be disturbed +by too vivid an ideal of possible human misery! +</p> + +<p> +So much for the sequel of my experiment. As to the former stage, in which +probably lies the experiment and its application to other cases, I must request +my reader not to forget the reasons for which I have recorded it. These were +two: First, a belief that I might add some trifle to the history of opium as a +medical agent. In this I am aware that I have not at all fulfilled my own +intentions, in consequence of the torpor of mind, pain of body, and extreme +disgust to the subject which besieged me whilst writing that part of my paper; +which part being immediately sent off to the press (distant about five degrees +of latitude), cannot be corrected or improved. But from this account, rambling +as it may be, it is evident that thus much of benefit may arise to the persons +most interested in such a history of opium, viz., to opium-eaters in general, +that it establishes, for their consolation and encouragement, the fact that +opium may be renounced, and without greater sufferings than an ordinary +resolution may support, and by a pretty rapid course <a +name="citation22"></a><a href="#footnote22">{22}</a> of descent. +</p> + +<p> +To communicate this result of my experiment was my foremost purpose. Secondly, +as a purpose collateral to this, I wished to explain how it had become +impossible for me to compose a Third Part in time to accompany this +republication; for during the time of this experiment the proof-sheets of this +reprint were sent to me from London, and such was my inability to expand or to +improve them, that I could not even bear to read them over with attention +enough to notice the press errors or to correct any verbal inaccuracies. These +were my reasons for troubling my reader with any record, long or short, of +experiments relating to so truly base a subject as my own body; and I am +earnest with the reader that he will not forget them, or so far misapprehend me +as to believe it possible that I would condescend to so rascally a subject for +its own sake, or indeed for any less object than that of general benefit to +others. Such an animal as the self-observing valetudinarian I know there is; I +have met him myself occasionally, and I know that he is the worst imaginable +<i>heautontimoroumenos</i>; aggravating and sustaining, by calling into +distinct consciousness, every symptom that would else perhaps, under a +different direction given to the thoughts, become evanescent. But as to myself, +so profound is my contempt for this undignified and selfish habit, that I could +as little condescend to it as I could to spend my time in watching a poor +servant girl, to whom at this moment I hear some lad or other making love at +the back of my house. Is it for a Transcendental Philosopher to feel any +curiosity on such an occasion? Or can I, whose life is worth only eight and a +half years’ purchase, be supposed to have leisure for such trivial employments? +However, to put this out of question, I shall say one thing, which will perhaps +shock some readers, but I am sure it ought not to do so, considering the +motives on which I say it. No man, I suppose, employs much of his time on the +phenomena of his own body without some regard for it; whereas the reader sees +that, so far from looking upon mine with any complacency or regard, I hate it, +and make it the object of my bitter ridicule and contempt; and I should not be +displeased to know that the last indignities which the law inflicts upon the +bodies of the worst malefactors might hereafter fall upon it. And, in +testification of my sincerity in saying this, I shall make the following offer. +Like other men, I have particular fancies about the place of my burial; having +lived chiefly in a mountainous region, I rather cleave to the conceit, that a +grave in a green churchyard amongst the ancient and solitary hills will be a +sublimer and more tranquil place of repose for a philosopher than any in the +hideous Golgothas of London. Yet if the gentlemen of Surgeons’ Hall think that +any benefit can redound to their science from inspecting the appearances in the +body of an opium-eater, let them speak but a word, and I will take care that +mine shall be legally secured to them—i.e., as soon as I have done with +it myself. Let them not hesitate to express their wishes upon any scruples of +false delicacy and consideration for my feelings; I assure them they will do me +too much honour by “demonstrating” on such a crazy body as mine, and it will +give me pleasure to anticipate this posthumous revenge and insult inflicted +upon that which has caused me so much suffering in this life. Such bequests are +not common; reversionary benefits contingent upon the death of the testator are +indeed dangerous to announce in many cases: of this we have a remarkable +instance in the habits of a Roman prince, who used, upon any notification made +to him by rich persons that they had left him a handsome estate in their wills, +to express his entire satisfaction at such arrangements and his gracious +acceptance of those loyal legacies; but then, if the testators neglected to +give him immediate possession of the property, if they traitorously “persisted +in living” (<i>si vivere perseverarent</i>, as Suetonius expresses it), he was +highly provoked, and took his measures accordingly. In those times, and from +one of the worst of the Cæsars, we might expect such conduct; but I am sure +that from English surgeons at this day I need look for no expressions of +impatience, or of any other feelings but such as are answerable to that pure +love of science and all its interests which induces me to make such an offer. +</p> + +<p> +Sept 30, 1822 +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>FOOTNOTES</h2> + +<p> +<a name="footnote1"></a><a href="#citation1">{1}</a> “Not yet <i>recorded</i>,” +I say; for there is one celebrated man of the present day, who, if all be true +which is reported of him, has greatly exceeded me in quantity. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote2"></a><a href="#citation2">{2}</a> A third exception might +perhaps have been added; and my reason for not adding that exception is chiefly +because it was only in his juvenile efforts that the writer whom I allude to +expressly addressed hints to philosophical themes; his riper powers having been +all dedicated (on very excusable and very intelligible grounds, under the +present direction of the popular mind in England) to criticism and the Fine +Arts. This reason apart, however, I doubt whether he is not rather to be +considered an acute thinker than a subtle one. It is, besides, a great drawback +on his mastery over philosophical subjects that he has obviously not had the +advantage of a regular scholastic education: he has not read Plato in his youth +(which most likely was only his misfortune), but neither has he read Kant in +his manhood (which is his fault). +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote3"></a><a href="#citation3">{3}</a> I disclaim any allusion to +<i>existing</i> professors, of whom indeed I know only one. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote4"></a><a href="#citation4">{4}</a> To this same Jew, by the +way, some eighteen months afterwards, I applied again on the same business; +and, dating at that time from a respectable college, I was fortunate enough to +gain his serious attention to my proposals. My necessities had not arisen from +any extravagance or youthful levities (these my habits and the nature of my +pleasures raised me far above), but simply from the vindictive malice of my +guardian, who, when he found himself no longer able to prevent me from going to +the university, had, as a parting token of his good nature, refused to sign an +order for granting me a shilling beyond the allowance made to me at +school—viz., £100 per annum. Upon this sum it was in my time barely +possible to have lived in college, and not possible to a man who, though above +the paltry affectation of ostentatious disregard for money, and without any +expensive tastes, confided nevertheless rather too much in servants, and did +not delight in the petty details of minute economy. I soon, therefore, became +embarrassed, and at length, after a most voluminous negotiation with the Jew +(some parts of which, if I had leisure to rehearse them, would greatly amuse my +readers), I was put in possession of the sum I asked for, on the “regular” +terms of paying the Jew seventeen and a half per cent. by way of annuity on all +the money furnished; Israel, on his part, graciously resuming no more than +about ninety guineas of the said money, on account of an attorney’s bill (for +what services, to whom rendered, and when, whether at the siege of Jerusalem, +at the building of the second Temple, or on some earlier occasion, I have not +yet been able to discover). How many perches this bill measured I really +forget; but I still keep it in a cabinet of natural curiosities, and some time +or other I believe I shall present it to the British Museum. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote5"></a><a href="#citation5">{5}</a> The Bristol mail is the +best appointed in the Kingdom, owing to the double advantages of an unusually +good road and of an extra sum for the expenses subscribed by the Bristol +merchants. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote6"></a><a href="#citation6">{6}</a> It will be objected that +many men, of the highest rank and wealth, have in our own day, as well as +throughout our history, been amongst the foremost in courting danger in battle. +True; but this is not the case supposed; long familiarity with power has to +them deadened its effect and its attractions. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote7"></a><a href="#citation7">{7}</a> +Φιλον υπνη +θελyητρον +επικουρον +νοσον. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote8"></a><a href="#citation8">{8}</a> ηδυ +δουλευμα. EURIP. Orest. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote9"></a><a href="#citation9">{9}</a> +αναξανδρων +’Αyαμεμνων. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote10"></a><a href="#citation10">{10}</a> +ομμα θεισ’ +ειτω πεπλων. The scholar +will know that throughout this passage I refer to the early scenes of the +Orestes; one of the most beautiful exhibitions of the domestic affections which +even the dramas of Euripides can furnish. To the English reader it may be +necessary to say that the situation at the opening of the drama is that of a +brother attended only by his sister during the demoniacal possession of a +suffering conscience (or, in the mythology of the play, haunted by the Furies), +and in circumstances of immediate danger from enemies, and of desertion or cold +regard from nominal friends. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote11"></a><a href="#citation11">{11}</a> <i>Evanesced</i>: this +way of going off the stage of life appears to have been well known in the 17th +century, but at that time to have been considered a peculiar privilege of +blood-royal, and by no means to be allowed to druggists. For about the year +1686 a poet of rather ominous name (and who, by-the-bye, did ample justice to +his name), viz., Mr. <i>Flat-man</i>, in speaking of the death of Charles II. +expresses his surprise that any prince should commit so absurd an act as dying, +because, says he, +</p> + +<p class="poem"> +“Kings should disdain to die, and only <i>disappear</i>.” +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +They should <i>abscond</i>, that is, into the other world. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote12"></a><a href="#citation12">{12}</a> Of this, however, the +learned appear latterly to have doubted; for in a pirated edition of Buchan’s +<i>Domestic Medicine</i>, which I once saw in the hands of a farmer’s wife, who +was studying it for the benefit of her health, the Doctor was made to +say—“Be particularly careful never to take above five-and-twenty +<i>ounces</i> of laudanum at once;” the true reading being probably +five-and-twenty <i>drops</i>, which are held equal to about one grain of crude +opium. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote13"></a><a href="#citation13">{13}</a> Amongst the great herd +of travellers, &c., who show sufficiently by their stupidity that they +never held any intercourse with opium, I must caution my readers specially +against the brilliant author of <i>Anastasius</i>. This gentleman, whose wit +would lead one to presume him an opium-eater, has made it impossible to +consider him in that character, from the grievous misrepresentation which he +gives of its effects at pp. 215-17 of vol. i. Upon consideration it must appear +such to the author himself, for, waiving the errors I have insisted on in the +text, which (and others) are adopted in the fullest manner, he will himself +admit that an old gentleman “with a snow-white beard,” who eats “ample doses of +opium,” and is yet able to deliver what is meant and received as very weighty +counsel on the bad effects of that practice, is but an indifferent evidence +that opium either kills people prematurely or sends them into a madhouse. But +for my part, I see into this old gentleman and his motives: the fact is, he was +enamoured of “the little golden receptacle of the pernicious drug” which +Anastasius carried about him; and no way of obtaining it so safe and so +feasible occurred as that of frightening its owner out of his wits (which, by +the bye, are none of the strongest). This commentary throws a new light upon +the case, and greatly improves it as a story; for the old gentleman’s speech, +considered as a lecture on pharmacy, is highly absurd; but considered as a hoax +on Anastasius, it reads excellently. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote14"></a><a href="#citation14">{14}</a> I have not the book at +this moment to consult; but I think the passage begins—“And even that +tavern music, which makes one man merry, another mad, in me strikes a deep fit +of devotion,” &c. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote15"></a><a href="#citation15">{15}</a> A handsome newsroom, of +which I was very politely made free in passing through Manchester by several +gentlemen of that place, is called, I think, <i>The Porch</i>; whence I, who am +a stranger in Manchester, inferred that the subscribers meant to profess +themselves followers of Zeno. But I have been since assured that this is a +mistake. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote16"></a><a href="#citation16">{16}</a> I here reckon +twenty-five drops of laudanum as equivalent to one grain of opium, which, I +believe, is the common estimate. However, as both may be considered variable +quantities (the crude opium varying much in strength, and the tincture still +more), I suppose that no infinitesimal accuracy can be had in such a +calculation. Teaspoons vary as much in size as opium in strength. Small ones +hold about 100 drops; so that 8,000 drops are about eighty times a teaspoonful. +The reader sees how much I kept within Dr. Buchan’s indulgent allowance. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote17"></a><a href="#citation17">{17}</a> This, however, is not a +necessary conclusion; the varieties of effect produced by opium on different +constitutions are infinite. A London magistrate (Harriott’s <i>Struggles +through Life</i>, vol. iii. p. 391, third edition) has recorded that, on the +first occasion of his trying laudanum for the gout he took <i>forty</i> drops, +the next night <i>sixty</i>, and on the fifth night <i>eighty</i>, without any +effect whatever; and this at an advanced age. I have an anecdote from a country +surgeon, however, which sinks Mr. Harriott’s case into a trifle; and in my +projected medical treatise on opium, which I will publish provided the College +of Surgeons will pay me for enlightening their benighted understandings upon +this subject, I will relate it; but it is far too good a story to be published +gratis. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote18"></a><a href="#citation18">{18}</a> See the common accounts +in any Eastern traveller or voyager of the frantic excesses committed by Malays +who have taken opium, or are reduced to desperation by ill-luck at gambling. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote19"></a><a href="#citation19">{19}</a> The reader must +remember what I here mean by <i>thinking</i>, because else this would be a very +presumptuous expression. England, of late, has been rich to excess in fine +thinkers, in the departments of creative and combining thought; but there is a +sad dearth of masculine thinkers in any analytic path. A Scotchman of eminent +name has lately told us that he is obliged to quit even mathematics for want of +encouragement. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote20"></a><a href="#citation20">{20}</a> William Lithgow. His +book (Travels, &c.) is ill and pedantically written; but the account of his +own sufferings on the rack at Malaga is overpoweringly affecting. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote21"></a><a href="#citation21">{21}</a> In saying this I mean +no disrespect to the individual house, as the reader will understand when I +tell him that, with the exception of one or two princely mansions, and some few +inferior ones that have been coated with Roman cement, I am not acquainted with +any house in this mountainous district which is wholly waterproof. The +architecture of books, I flatter myself, is conducted on just principles in +this country; but for any other architecture, it is in a barbarous state, and +what is worse, in a retrograde state. +</p> + +<p> +<a name="footnote22"></a><a href="#citation22">{22}</a> On which last notice I +would remark that mine was <i>too</i> rapid, and the suffering therefore +needlessly aggravated; or rather, perhaps, it was not sufficiently continuous +and equably graduated. But that the reader may judge for himself, and above all +that the Opium-eater, who is preparing to retire from business, may have every +sort of information before him, I subjoin my diary:— +</p> + +<pre> +First Week Second Week + Drops of Laud. Drops of Laud. +Mond. June 24 ... 130 Mond. July 1 ... 80 + 25 ... 140 2 ... 80 + 26 ... 130 3 ... 90 + 27 ... 80 4 ... 100 + 28 ... 80 5 ... 80 + 29 ... 80 6 ... 80 + 30 ... 80 7 ... 80 +Third Week Fourth Week +Mond. July 8 ... 300 Mond. July 15 ... 76 + 9 ... 50 16 ... 73.5 + 10 } 17 ... 73.5 + 11 } Hiatus in 18 ... 70 + 12 } MS. 19 ... 240 + 13 } 20 ... 80 + 14 ... 76 21 ... 350 +Fifth Week +Mond. July 22 ... 60 + 23 ... none. + 24 ... none. + 25 ... none. + 26 ... 200 + 27 ... none. +</pre> + +<p> +What mean these abrupt relapses, the reader will ask perhaps, to such numbers +as 300, 350, &c.? The <i>impulse</i> to these relapses was mere infirmity +of purpose; the <i>motive</i>, where any motive blended with this impulse, was +either the principle, of “<i>reculer pour mieux sauter</i>;” (for under the +torpor of a large dose, which lasted for a day or two, a less quantity +satisfied the stomach, which on awakening found itself partly accustomed to +this new ration); or else it was this principle—that of sufferings +otherwise equal, those will be borne best which meet with a mood of anger. Now, +whenever I ascended to my large dose I was furiously incensed on the following +day, and could then have borne anything. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER ***</div> +<div style='text-align:left'> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will +be renamed. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ +concept and trademark. 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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4c4a7ad --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #2040 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/2040) diff --git a/old/2040.txt b/old/2040.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..59c86f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/2040.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3788 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater, by +Thomas De Quincey + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Confessions of an English Opium-Eater + + +Author: Thomas De Quincey + +Release Date: April 20, 2005 [eBook #2040] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER*** + + + + + + +Transcribed from the 1886 George Routledge and Sons edition--first +edition (London Magazine) text, by David Price, email +ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER: +BEING AN EXTRACT FROM THE +LIFE OF A SCHOLAR. + + +_From the "London Magazine" for September_ 1821. + + + + +TO THE READER + + +I here present you, courteous reader, with the record of a remarkable +period in my life: according to my application of it, I trust that it +will prove not merely an interesting record, but in a considerable degree +useful and instructive. In _that_ hope it is that I have drawn it up; +and _that_ must be my apology for breaking through that delicate and +honourable reserve which, for the most part, restrains us from the public +exposure of our own errors and infirmities. Nothing, indeed, is more +revolting to English feelings than the spectacle of a human being +obtruding on our notice his moral ulcers or scars, and tearing away that +"decent drapery" which time or indulgence to human frailty may have drawn +over them; accordingly, the greater part of _our_ confessions (that is, +spontaneous and extra-judicial confessions) proceed from demireps, +adventurers, or swindlers: and for any such acts of gratuitous +self-humiliation from those who can be supposed in sympathy with the +decent and self-respecting part of society, we must look to French +literature, or to that part of the German which is tainted with the +spurious and defective sensibility of the French. All this I feel so +forcibly, and so nervously am I alive to reproach of this tendency, that +I have for many months hesitated about the propriety of allowing this or +any part of my narrative to come before the public eye until after my +death (when, for many reasons, the whole will be published); and it is +not without an anxious review of the reasons for and against this step +that I have at last concluded on taking it. + +Guilt and misery shrink, by a natural instinct, from public notice: they +court privacy and solitude: and even in their choice of a grave will +sometimes sequester themselves from the general population of the +churchyard, as if declining to claim fellowship with the great family of +man, and wishing (in the affecting language of Mr. Wordsworth) + + Humbly to express + A penitential loneliness. + +It is well, upon the whole, and for the interest of us all, that it +should be so: nor would I willingly in my own person manifest a disregard +of such salutary feelings, nor in act or word do anything to weaken them; +but, on the one hand, as my self-accusation does not amount to a +confession of guilt, so, on the other, it is possible that, if it _did_, +the benefit resulting to others from the record of an experience +purchased at so heavy a price might compensate, by a vast overbalance, +for any violence done to the feelings I have noticed, and justify a +breach of the general rule. Infirmity and misery do not of necessity +imply guilt. They approach or recede from shades of that dark alliance, +in proportion to the probable motives and prospects of the offender, and +the palliations, known or secret, of the offence; in proportion as the +temptations to it were potent from the first, and the resistance to it, +in act or in effort, was earnest to the last. For my own part, without +breach of truth or modesty, I may affirm that my life has been, on the +whole, the life of a philosopher: from my birth I was made an +intellectual creature, and intellectual in the highest sense my pursuits +and pleasures have been, even from my schoolboy days. If opium-eating be +a sensual pleasure, and if I am bound to confess that I have indulged in +it to an excess not yet _recorded_ {1} of any other man, it is no less +true that I have struggled against this fascinating enthralment with a +religious zeal, and have at length accomplished what I never yet heard +attributed to any other man--have untwisted, almost to its final links, +the accursed chain which fettered me. Such a self-conquest may +reasonably be set off in counterbalance to any kind or degree of self- +indulgence. Not to insist that in my case the self-conquest was +unquestionable, the self-indulgence open to doubts of casuistry, +according as that name shall be extended to acts aiming at the bare +relief of pain, or shall be restricted to such as aim at the excitement +of positive pleasure. + +Guilt, therefore, I do not acknowledge; and if I did, it is possible that +I might still resolve on the present act of confession in consideration +of the service which I may thereby render to the whole class of opium- +eaters. But who are they? Reader, I am sorry to say a very numerous +class indeed. Of this I became convinced some years ago by computing at +that time the number of those in one small class of English society (the +class of men distinguished for talents, or of eminent station) who were +known to me, directly or indirectly, as opium-eaters; such, for instance, +as the eloquent and benevolent ---, the late Dean of ---, Lord ---, Mr. +--- the philosopher, a late Under-Secretary of State (who described to me +the sensation which first drove him to the use of opium in the very same +words as the Dean of ---, viz., "that he felt as though rats were gnawing +and abrading the coats of his stomach"), Mr. ---, and many others hardly +less known, whom it would be tedious to mention. Now, if one class, +comparatively so limited, could furnish so many scores of cases (and +_that_ within the knowledge of one single inquirer), it was a natural +inference that the entire population of England would furnish a +proportionable number. The soundness of this inference, however, I +doubted, until some facts became known to me which satisfied me that it +was not incorrect. I will mention two. (1) Three respectable London +druggists, in widely remote quarters of London, from whom I happened +lately to be purchasing small quantities of opium, assured me that the +number of _amateur_ opium-eaters (as I may term them) was at this time +immense; and that the difficulty of distinguishing those persons to whom +habit had rendered opium necessary from such as were purchasing it with a +view to suicide, occasioned them daily trouble and disputes. This +evidence respected London only. But (2)--which will possibly surprise +the reader more--some years ago, on passing through Manchester, I was +informed by several cotton manufacturers that their workpeople were +rapidly getting into the practice of opium-eating; so much so, that on a +Saturday afternoon the counters of the druggists were strewed with pills +of one, two, or three grains, in preparation for the known demand of the +evening. The immediate occasion of this practice was the lowness of +wages, which at that time would not allow them to indulge in ale or +spirits, and wages rising, it may be thought that this practice would +cease; but as I do not readily believe that any man having once tasted +the divine luxuries of opium will afterwards descend to the gross and +mortal enjoyments of alcohol, I take it for granted + + That those eat now who never ate before; + And those who always ate, now eat the more. + +Indeed, the fascinating powers of opium are admitted even by medical +writers, who are its greatest enemies. Thus, for instance, Awsiter, +apothecary to Greenwich Hospital, in his "Essay on the Effects of Opium" +(published in the year 1763), when attempting to explain why Mead had not +been sufficiently explicit on the properties, counteragents, &c., of this +drug, expresses himself in the following mysterious terms ([Greek text]): +"Perhaps he thought the subject of too delicate a nature to be made +common; and as many people might then indiscriminately use it, it would +take from that necessary fear and caution which should prevent their +experiencing the extensive power of this drug, _for there are many +properties in it, if universally known, that would habituate the use, and +make it more in request with us than with Turks themselves_; the result +of which knowledge," he adds, "must prove a general misfortune." In the +necessity of this conclusion I do not altogether concur; but upon that +point I shall have occasion to speak at the close of my Confessions, +where I shall present the reader with the _moral_ of my narrative. + + + + +PRELIMINARY CONFESSIONS + + +These preliminary confessions, or introductory narrative of the youthful +adventures which laid the foundation of the writer's habit of +opium-eating in after-life, it has been judged proper to premise, for +three several reasons: + +1. As forestalling that question, and giving it a satisfactory answer, +which else would painfully obtrude itself in the course of the Opium +Confessions--"How came any reasonable being to subject himself to such a +yoke of misery; voluntarily to incur a captivity so servile, and +knowingly to fetter himself with such a sevenfold chain?"--a question +which, if not somewhere plausibly resolved, could hardly fail, by the +indignation which it would be apt to raise as against an act of wanton +folly, to interfere with that degree of sympathy which is necessary in +any case to an author's purposes. + +2. As furnishing a key to some parts of that tremendous scenery which +afterwards peopled the dreams of the Opium-eater. + +3. As creating some previous interest of a personal sort in the +confessing subject, apart from the matter of the confessions, which +cannot fail to render the confessions themselves more interesting. If a +man "whose talk is of oxen" should become an opium-eater, the probability +is that (if he is not too dull to dream at all) he will dream about oxen; +whereas, in the case before him, the reader will find that the +Opium-eater boasteth himself to be a philosopher; and accordingly, that +the phantasmagoria of _his_ dreams (waking or sleeping, day-dreams or +night-dreams) is suitable to one who in that character + + Humani nihil a se alienum putat. + +For amongst the conditions which he deems indispensable to the sustaining +of any claim to the title of philosopher is not merely the possession of +a superb intellect in its _analytic_ functions (in which part of the +pretensions, however, England can for some generations show but few +claimants; at least, he is not aware of any known candidate for this +honour who can be styled emphatically _a subtle thinker_, with the +exception of _Samuel Taylor Coleridge_, and in a narrower department of +thought with the recent illustrious exception {2} of _David Ricardo_) but +also on such a constitution of the _moral_ faculties as shall give him an +inner eye and power of intuition for the vision and the mysteries of our +human nature: _that_ constitution of faculties, in short, which (amongst +all the generations of men that from the beginning of time have deployed +into life, as it were, upon this planet) our English poets have possessed +in the highest degree, and Scottish professors {3} in the lowest. + +I have often been asked how I first came to be a regular opium-eater, and +have suffered, very unjustly, in the opinion of my acquaintance from +being reputed to have brought upon myself all the sufferings which I +shall have to record, by a long course of indulgence in this practice +purely for the sake of creating an artificial state of pleasurable +excitement. This, however, is a misrepresentation of my case. True it +is that for nearly ten years I did occasionally take opium for the sake +of the exquisite pleasure it gave me; but so long as I took it with this +view I was effectually protected from all material bad consequences by +the necessity of interposing long intervals between the several acts of +indulgence, in order to renew the pleasurable sensations. It was not for +the purpose of creating pleasure, but of mitigating pain in the severest +degree, that I first began to use opium as an article of daily diet. In +the twenty-eighth year of my age a most painful affection of the stomach, +which I had first experienced about ten years before, attacked me in +great strength. This affection had originally been caused by extremities +of hunger, suffered in my boyish days. During the season of hope and +redundant happiness which succeeded (that is, from eighteen to twenty- +four) it had slumbered; for the three following years it had revived at +intervals; and now, under unfavourable circumstances, from depression of +spirits, it attacked me with a violence that yielded to no remedies but +opium. As the youthful sufferings which first produced this derangement +of the stomach were interesting in themselves, and in the circumstances +that attended them, I shall here briefly retrace them. + +My father died when I was about seven years old, and left me to the care +of four guardians. I was sent to various schools, great and small; and +was very early distinguished for my classical attainments, especially for +my knowledge of Greek. At thirteen I wrote Greek with ease; and at +fifteen my command of that language was so great that I not only composed +Greek verses in lyric metres, but could converse in Greek fluently and +without embarrassment--an accomplishment which I have not since met with +in any scholar of my times, and which in my case was owing to the +practice of daily reading off the newspapers into the best Greek I could +furnish _extempore_; for the necessity of ransacking my memory and +invention for all sorts and combinations of periphrastic expressions as +equivalents for modern ideas, images, relations of things, &c., gave me a +compass of diction which would never have been called out by a dull +translation of moral essays, &c. "That boy," said one of my masters, +pointing the attention of a stranger to me, "that boy could harangue an +Athenian mob better than you and I could address an English one." He who +honoured me with this eulogy was a scholar, "and a ripe and a good one," +and of all my tutors was the only one whom I loved or reverenced. +Unfortunately for me (and, as I afterwards learned, to this worthy man's +great indignation), I was transferred to the care, first of a blockhead, +who was in a perpetual panic lest I should expose his ignorance; and +finally to that of a respectable scholar at the head of a great school on +an ancient foundation. This man had been appointed to his situation by +--- College, Oxford, and was a sound, well-built scholar, but (like most +men whom I have known from that college) coarse, clumsy, and inelegant. A +miserable contrast he presented, in my eyes, to the Etonian brilliancy of +my favourite master; and beside, he could not disguise from my hourly +notice the poverty and meagreness of his understanding. It is a bad +thing for a boy to be and to know himself far beyond his tutors, whether +in knowledge or in power of mind. This was the case, so far as regarded +knowledge at least, not with myself only, for the two boys, who jointly +with myself composed the first form, were better Grecians than the head- +master, though not more elegant scholars, nor at all more accustomed to +sacrifice to the Graces. When I first entered I remember that we read +Sophocles; and it was a constant matter of triumph to us, the learned +triumvirate of the first form, to see our "Archididascalus" (as he loved +to be called) conning our lessons before we went up, and laying a regular +train, with lexicon and grammar, for blowing up and blasting (as it were) +any difficulties he found in the choruses; whilst _we_ never condescended +to open our books until the moment of going up, and were generally +employed in writing epigrams upon his wig or some such important matter. +My two class-fellows were poor, and dependent for their future prospects +at the university on the recommendation of the head-master; but I, who +had a small patrimonial property, the income of which was sufficient to +support me at college, wished to be sent thither immediately. I made +earnest representations on the subject to my guardians, but all to no +purpose. One, who was more reasonable and had more knowledge of the +world than the rest, lived at a distance; two of the other three resigned +all their authority into the hands of the fourth; and this fourth, with +whom I had to negotiate, was a worthy man in his way, but haughty, +obstinate, and intolerant of all opposition to his will. After a certain +number of letters and personal interviews, I found that I had nothing to +hope for, not even a compromise of the matter, from my guardian. +Unconditional submission was what he demanded, and I prepared myself, +therefore, for other measures. Summer was now coming on with hasty +steps, and my seventeenth birthday was fast approaching, after which day +I had sworn within myself that I would no longer be numbered amongst +schoolboys. Money being what I chiefly wanted, I wrote to a woman of +high rank, who, though young herself, had known me from a child, and had +latterly treated me with great distinction, requesting that she would +"lend" me five guineas. For upwards of a week no answer came, and I was +beginning to despond, when at length a servant put into my hands a double +letter with a coronet on the seal. The letter was kind and obliging. The +fair writer was on the sea-coast, and in that way the delay had arisen; +she enclosed double of what I had asked, and good-naturedly hinted that +if I should _never_ repay her, it would not absolutely ruin her. Now, +then, I was prepared for my scheme. Ten guineas, added to about two +which I had remaining from my pocket-money, seemed to me sufficient for +an indefinite length of time; and at that happy age, if no _definite_ +boundary can be assigned to one's power, the spirit of hope and pleasure +makes it virtually infinite. + +It is a just remark of Dr. Johnson's (and, what cannot often be said of +his remarks, it is a very feeling one), that we never do anything +consciously for the last time (of things, that is, which we have long +been in the habit of doing) without sadness of heart. This truth I felt +deeply when I came to leave ---, a place which I did not love, and where +I had not been happy. On the evening before I left --- for ever, I +grieved when the ancient and lofty schoolroom resounded with the evening +service, performed for the last time in my hearing; and at night, when +the muster-roll of names was called over, and mine (as usual) was called +first, I stepped forward, and passing the head-master, who was standing +by, I bowed to him, and looked earnestly in his face, thinking to myself, +"He is old and infirm, and in this world I shall not see him again." I +was right; I never _did_ see him again, nor ever shall. He looked at me +complacently, smiled good-naturedly, returned my salutation (or rather my +valediction), and we parted (though he knew it not) for ever. I could +not reverence him intellectually, but he had been uniformly kind to me, +and had allowed me many indulgences; and I grieved at the thought of the +mortification I should inflict upon him. + +The morning came which was to launch me into the world, and from which my +whole succeeding life has in many important points taken its colouring. I +lodged in the head-master's house, and had been allowed from my first +entrance the indulgence of a private room, which I used both as a +sleeping-room and as a study. At half after three I rose, and gazed with +deep emotion at the ancient towers of ---, "drest in earliest light," and +beginning to crimson with the radiant lustre of a cloudless July morning. +I was firm and immovable in my purpose; but yet agitated by anticipation +of uncertain danger and troubles; and if I could have foreseen the +hurricane and perfect hail-storm of affliction which soon fell upon me, +well might I have been agitated. To this agitation the deep peace of the +morning presented an affecting contrast, and in some degree a medicine. +The silence was more profound than that of midnight; and to me the +silence of a summer morning is more touching than all other silence, +because, the light being broad and strong as that of noonday at other +seasons of the year, it seems to differ from perfect day chiefly because +man is not yet abroad; and thus the peace of nature and of the innocent +creatures of God seems to be secure and deep only so long as the presence +of man and his restless and unquiet spirit are not there to trouble its +sanctity. I dressed myself, took my hat and gloves, and lingered a +little in the room. For the last year and a half this room had been my +"pensive citadel": here I had read and studied through all the hours of +night, and though true it was that for the latter part of this time I, +who was framed for love and gentle affections, had lost my gaiety and +happiness during the strife and fever of contention with my guardian, +yet, on the other hand, as a boy so passionately fond of books, and +dedicated to intellectual pursuits, I could not fail to have enjoyed many +happy hours in the midst of general dejection. I wept as I looked round +on the chair, hearth, writing-table, and other familiar objects, knowing +too certainly that I looked upon them for the last time. Whilst I write +this it is eighteen years ago, and yet at this moment I see distinctly, +as if it were yesterday, the lineaments and expression of the object on +which I fixed my parting gaze. It was a picture of the lovely ---, which +hung over the mantelpiece, the eyes and mouth of which were so beautiful, +and the whole countenance so radiant with benignity and divine +tranquillity, that I had a thousand times laid down my pen or my book to +gather consolation from it, as a devotee from his patron saint. Whilst I +was yet gazing upon it the deep tones of --- clock proclaimed that it was +four o'clock. I went up to the picture, kissed it, and then gently +walked out and closed the door for ever! + +* * * * * + +So blended and intertwisted in this life are occasions of laughter and of +tears, that I cannot yet recall without smiling an incident which +occurred at that time, and which had nearly put a stop to the immediate +execution of my plan. I had a trunk of immense weight, for, besides my +clothes, it contained nearly all my library. The difficulty was to get +this removed to a carrier's: my room was at an aerial elevation in the +house, and (what was worse) the staircase which communicated with this +angle of the building was accessible only by a gallery, which passed the +head-master's chamber door. I was a favourite with all the servants, and +knowing that any of them would screen me and act confidentially, I +communicated my embarrassment to a groom of the head-master's. The groom +swore he would do anything I wished, and when the time arrived went +upstairs to bring the trunk down. This I feared was beyond the strength +of any one man; however, the groom was a man + + Of Atlantean shoulders, fit to bear + The weight of mightiest monarchies; + +and had a back as spacious as Salisbury Plain. Accordingly he persisted +in bringing down the trunk alone, whilst I stood waiting at the foot of +the last flight in anxiety for the event. For some time I heard him +descending with slow and firm steps; but unfortunately, from his +trepidation, as he drew near the dangerous quarter, within a few steps of +the gallery, his foot slipped, and the mighty burden falling from his +shoulders, gained such increase of impetus at each step of the descent, +that on reaching the bottom it trundled, or rather leaped, right across, +with the noise of twenty devils, against the very bedroom door of the +Archididascalus. My first thought was that all was lost, and that my +only chance for executing a retreat was to sacrifice my baggage. However, +on reflection I determined to abide the issue. The groom was in the +utmost alarm, both on his own account and on mine, but, in spite of this, +so irresistibly had the sense of the ludicrous in this unhappy +_contretemps_ taken possession of his fancy, that he sang out a long, +loud, and canorous peal of laughter, that might have wakened the Seven +Sleepers. At the sound of this resonant merriment, within the very ears +of insulted authority, I could not myself forbear joining in it; subdued +to this, not so much by the unhappy _etourderie_ of the trunk, as by the +effect it had upon the groom. We both expected, as a matter of course, +that Dr. --- would sally, out of his room, for in general, if but a mouse +stirred, he sprang out like a mastiff from his kennel. Strange to say, +however, on this occasion, when the noise of laughter had ceased, no +sound, or rustling even, was to be heard in the bedroom. Dr. --- had a +painful complaint, which, sometimes keeping him awake, made his sleep +perhaps, when it did come, the deeper. Gathering courage from the +silence, the groom hoisted his burden again, and accomplished the +remainder of his descent without accident. I waited until I saw the +trunk placed on a wheelbarrow and on its road to the carrier's; then, +"with Providence my guide," I set off on foot, carrying a small parcel +with some articles of dress under my arm; a favourite English poet in one +pocket, and a small 12mo volume, containing about nine plays of +Euripides, in the other. + +It had been my intention originally to proceed to Westmoreland, both from +the love I bore to that country and on other personal accounts. Accident, +however, gave a different direction to my wanderings, and I bent my steps +towards North Wales. + +After wandering about for some time in Denbighshire, Merionethshire, and +Carnarvonshire, I took lodgings in a small neat house in B---. Here I +might have stayed with great comfort for many weeks, for provisions were +cheap at B---, from the scarcity of other markets for the surplus produce +of a wide agricultural district. An accident, however, in which perhaps +no offence was designed, drove me out to wander again. I know not +whether my reader may have remarked, but I have often remarked, that the +proudest class of people in England (or at any rate the class whose pride +is most apparent) are the families of bishops. Noblemen and their +children carry about with them, in their very titles, a sufficient +notification of their rank. Nay, their very names (and this applies also +to the children of many untitled houses) are often, to the English ear, +adequate exponents of high birth or descent. Sackville, Manners, +Fitzroy, Paulet, Cavendish, and scores of others, tell their own tale. +Such persons, therefore, find everywhere a due sense of their claims +already established, except among those who are ignorant of the world by +virtue of their own obscurity: "Not to know _them_, argues one's self +unknown." Their manners take a suitable tone and colouring, and for once +they find it necessary to impress a sense of their consequence upon +others, they meet with a thousand occasions for moderating and tempering +this sense by acts of courteous condescension. With the families of +bishops it is otherwise: with them, it is all uphill work to make known +their pretensions; for the proportion of the episcopal bench taken from +noble families is not at any time very large, and the succession to these +dignities is so rapid that the public ear seldom has time to become +familiar with them, unless where they are connected with some literary +reputation. Hence it is that the children of bishops carry about with +them an austere and repulsive air, indicative of claims not generally +acknowledged, a sort of _noli me tangere_ manner, nervously apprehensive +of too familiar approach, and shrinking with the sensitiveness of a gouty +man from all contact with the [Greek text]. Doubtless, a powerful +understanding, or unusual goodness of nature, will preserve a man from +such weakness, but in general the truth of my representation will be +acknowledged; pride, if not of deeper root in such families, appears at +least more upon the surface of their manners. This spirit of manners +naturally communicates itself to their domestics and other dependants. +Now, my landlady had been a lady's maid or a nurse in the family of the +Bishop of ---, and had but lately married away and "settled" (as such +people express it) for life. In a little town like B---, merely to have +lived in the bishop's family conferred some distinction; and my good +landlady had rather more than her share of the pride I have noticed on +that score. What "my lord" said and what "my lord" did, how useful he +was in Parliament and how indispensable at Oxford, formed the daily +burden of her talk. All this I bore very well, for I was too +good-natured to laugh in anybody's face, and I could make an ample +allowance for the garrulity of an old servant. Of necessity, however, I +must have appeared in her eyes very inadequately impressed with the +bishop's importance, and, perhaps to punish me for my indifference, or +possibly by accident, she one day repeated to me a conversation in which +I was indirectly a party concerned. She had been to the palace to pay +her respects to the family, and, dinner being over, was summoned into the +dining-room. In giving an account of her household economy she happened +to mention that she had let her apartments. Thereupon the good bishop +(it seemed) had taken occasion to caution her as to her selection of +inmates, "for," said he, "you must recollect, Betty, that this place is +in the high road to the Head; so that multitudes of Irish swindlers +running away from their debts into England, and of English swindlers +running away from their debts to the Isle of Man, are likely to take this +place in their route." This advice certainly was not without reasonable +grounds, but rather fitted to be stored up for Mrs. Betty's private +meditations than specially reported to me. What followed, however, was +somewhat worse. "Oh, my lord," answered my landlady (according to her +own representation of the matter), "I really don't think this young +gentleman is a swindler, because ---" "You don't _think_ me a swindler?" +said I, interrupting her, in a tumult of indignation: "for the future I +shall spare you the trouble of thinking about it." And without delay I +prepared for my departure. Some concessions the good woman seemed +disposed to make; but a harsh and contemptuous expression, which I fear +that I applied to the learned dignitary himself, roused her indignation +in turn, and reconciliation then became impossible. I was indeed greatly +irritated at the bishop's having suggested any grounds of suspicion, +however remotely, against a person whom he had never seen; and I thought +of letting him know my mind in Greek, which, at the same time that it +would furnish some presumption that I was no swindler, would also (I +hoped) compel the bishop to reply in the same language; in which case I +doubted not to make it appear that if I was not so rich as his lordship, +I was a far better Grecian. Calmer thoughts, however, drove this boyish +design out of my mind; for I considered that the bishop was in the right +to counsel an old servant; that he could not have designed that his +advice should be reported to me; and that the same coarseness of mind +which had led Mrs. Betty to repeat the advice at all, might have coloured +it in a way more agreeable to her own style of thinking than to the +actual expressions of the worthy bishop. + +I left the lodgings the very same hour, and this turned out a very +unfortunate occurrence for me, because, living henceforward at inns, I +was drained of my money very rapidly. In a fortnight I was reduced to +short allowance; that is, I could allow myself only one meal a day. From +the keen appetite produced by constant exercise and mountain air, acting +on a youthful stomach, I soon began to suffer greatly on this slender +regimen, for the single meal which I could venture to order was coffee or +tea. Even this, however, was at length withdrawn; and afterwards, so +long as I remained in Wales, I subsisted either on blackberries, hips, +haws, &c., or on the casual hospitalities which I now and then received +in return for such little services as I had an opportunity of rendering. +Sometimes I wrote letters of business for cottagers who happened to have +relatives in Liverpool or in London; more often I wrote love-letters to +their sweethearts for young women who had lived as servants at Shrewsbury +or other towns on the English border. On all such occasions I gave great +satisfaction to my humble friends, and was generally treated with +hospitality; and once in particular, near the village of Llan-y-styndw +(or some such name), in a sequestered part of Merionethshire, I was +entertained for upwards of three days by a family of young people with an +affectionate and fraternal kindness that left an impression upon my heart +not yet impaired. The family consisted at that time of four sisters and +three brothers, all grown up, and all remarkable for elegance and +delicacy of manners. So much beauty, and so much native good breeding +and refinement, I do not remember to have seen before or since in any +cottage, except once or twice in Westmoreland and Devonshire. They spoke +English, an accomplishment not often met with in so many members of one +family, especially in villages remote from the high road. Here I wrote, +on my first introduction, a letter about prize-money, for one of the +brothers, who had served on board an English man-of-war; and, more +privately, two love-letters for two of the sisters. They were both +interesting-looking girls, and one of uncommon loveliness. In the midst +of their confusion and blushes, whilst dictating, or rather giving me +general instructions, it did not require any great penetration to +discover that what they wished was that their letters should be as kind +as was consistent with proper maidenly pride. I contrived so to temper +my expressions as to reconcile the gratification of both feelings; and +they were as much pleased with the way in which I had expressed their +thoughts as (in their simplicity) they were astonished at my having so +readily discovered them. The reception one meets with from the women of +a family generally determines the tenor of one's whole entertainment. In +this case I had discharged my confidential duties as secretary so much to +the general satisfaction, perhaps also amusing them with my conversation, +that I was pressed to stay with a cordiality which I had little +inclination to resist. I slept with the brothers, the only unoccupied +bed standing in the apartment of the young women; but in all other points +they treated me with a respect not usually paid to purses as light as +mine--as if my scholarship were sufficient evidence that I was of "gentle +blood." Thus I lived with them for three days and great part of a +fourth; and, from the undiminished kindness which they continued to show +me, I believe I might have stayed with them up to this time, if their +power had corresponded with their wishes. On the last morning, however, +I perceived upon their countenances, as they sate at breakfast, the +expression of some unpleasant communication which was at hand; and soon +after, one of the brothers explained to me that their parents had gone, +the day before my arrival, to an annual meeting of Methodists, held at +Carnarvon, and were that day expected to return; "and if they should not +be so civil as they ought to be," he begged, on the part of all the young +people, that I would not take it amiss. The parents returned with +churlish faces, and "_Dym Sassenach_" (_no English_) in answer to all my +addresses. I saw how matters stood; and so, taking an affectionate leave +of my kind and interesting young hosts, I went my way; for, though they +spoke warmly to their parents in my behalf, and often excused the manner +of the old people by saying it was "only their way," yet I easily +understood that my talent for writing love-letters would do as little to +recommend me with two grave sexagenarian Welsh Methodists as my Greek +sapphics or alcaics; and what had been hospitality when offered to me +with the gracious courtesy of my young friends, would become charity when +connected with the harsh demeanour of these old people. Certainly, Mr. +Shelley is right in his notions about old age: unless powerfully +counteracted by all sorts of opposite agencies, it is a miserable +corrupter and blighter to the genial charities of the human heart. + +Soon after this I contrived, by means which I must omit for want of room, +to transfer myself to London. And now began the latter and fiercer stage +of my long sufferings; without using a disproportionate expression I +might say, of my agony. For I now suffered, for upwards of sixteen +weeks, the physical anguish of hunger in. I various degrees of +intensity, but as bitter perhaps as ever any human being can have +suffered who has survived it would not needlessly harass my reader's +feelings by a detail of all that I endured; for extremities such as +these, under any circumstances of heaviest misconduct or guilt, cannot be +contemplated, even in description, without a rueful pity that is painful +to the natural goodness of the human heart. Let it suffice, at least on +this occasion, to say that a few fragments of bread from the breakfast- +table of one individual (who supposed me to be ill, but did not know of +my being in utter want), and these at uncertain intervals, constituted my +whole support. During the former part of my sufferings (that is, +generally in Wales, and always for the first two months in London) I was +houseless, and very seldom slept under a roof. To this constant +exposure to the open air I ascribe it mainly that I did not sink under my +torments. Latterly, however, when colder and more inclement weather came +on, and when, from the length of my sufferings, I had begun to sink into +a more languishing condition, it was no doubt fortunate for me that the +same person to whose breakfast-table I had access, allowed me to sleep in +a large unoccupied house of which he was tenant. Unoccupied I call it, +for there was no household or establishment in it; nor any furniture, +indeed, except a table and a few chairs. But I found, on taking +possession of my new quarters, that the house already contained one +single inmate, a poor friendless child, apparently ten years old; but she +seemed hunger-bitten, and sufferings of that sort often make children +look older than they are. From this forlorn child I learned that she had +slept and lived there alone for some time before I came; and great joy +the poor creature expressed when she found that I was in future to be her +companion through the hours of darkness. The house was large, and, from +the want of furniture, the noise of the rats made a prodigious echoing on +the spacious staircase and hall; and amidst the real fleshly ills of cold +and, I fear, hunger, the forsaken child had found leisure to suffer still +more (it appeared) from the self-created one of ghosts. I promised her +protection against all ghosts whatsoever, but alas! I could offer her no +other assistance. We lay upon the floor, with a bundle of cursed law +papers for a pillow, but with no other covering than a sort of large +horseman's cloak; afterwards, however, we discovered in a garret an old +sofa-cover, a small piece of rug, and some fragments of other articles, +which added a little to our warmth. The poor child crept close to me for +warmth, and for security against her ghostly enemies. When I was not +more than usually ill I took her into my arms, so that in general she was +tolerably warm, and often slept when I could not, for during the last two +months of my sufferings I slept much in daytime, and was apt to fall into +transient dosings at all hours. But my sleep distressed me more than my +watching, for beside the tumultuousness of my dreams (which were only not +so awful as those which I shall have to describe hereafter as produced by +opium), my sleep was never more than what is called _dog-sleep_; so that +I could hear myself moaning, and was often, as it seemed to me, awakened +suddenly by my own voice; and about this time a hideous sensation began +to haunt me as soon as I fell into a slumber, which has since returned +upon me at different periods of my life--viz., a sort of twitching (I +know not where, but apparently about the region of the stomach) which +compelled me violently to throw out my feet for the sake of relieving it. +This sensation coming on as soon as I began to sleep, and the effort to +relieve it constantly awaking me, at length I slept only from exhaustion; +and from increasing weakness (as I said before) I was constantly falling +asleep and constantly awaking. Meantime, the master of the house +sometimes came in upon us suddenly, and very early; sometimes not till +ten o'clock, sometimes not at all. He was in constant fear of bailiffs. +Improving on the plan of Cromwell, every night he slept in a different +quarter of London; and I observed that he never failed to examine through +a private window the appearance of those who knocked at the door before +he would allow it to be opened. He breaksfasted alone; indeed, his tea +equipage would hardly have admitted of his hazarding an invitation to a +second person, any more than the quantity of esculent _materiel_, which +for the most part was little more than a roll or a few biscuits which he +had bought on his road from the place where he had slept. Or, if he +_had_ asked a party--as I once learnedly and facetiously observed to +him--the several members of it must have _stood_ in the relation to each +other (not _sate_ in any relation whatever) of succession, as the +metaphysicians have it, and not of a coexistence; in the relation of the +parts of time, and not of the parts of space. During his breakfast I +generally contrived a reason for lounging in, and, with an air of as much +indifference as I could assume, took up such fragments as he had left; +sometimes, indeed, there were none at all. In doing this I committed no +robbery except upon the man himself, who was thus obliged (I believe) now +and then to send out at noon for an extra biscuit; for as to the poor +child, _she_ was never admitted into his study (if I may give that name +to his chief depository of parchments, law writings, &c.); that room was +to her the Bluebeard room of the house, being regularly locked on his +departure to dinner, about six o'clock, which usually was his final +departure for the night. Whether this child were an illegitimate +daughter of Mr. ---, or only a servant, I could not ascertain; she did +not herself know; but certainly she was treated altogether as a menial +servant. No sooner did Mr. --- make his appearance than she went below +stairs, brushed his shoes, coat, &c.; and, except when she was summoned +to run an errand, she never emerged from the dismal Tartarus of the +kitchen, &c., to the upper air until my welcome knock at night called up +her little trembling footsteps to the front door. Of her life during the +daytime, however, I knew little but what I gathered from her own account +at night, for as soon as the hours of business commenced I saw that my +absence would be acceptable, and in general, therefore, I went off and +sate in the parks or elsewhere until nightfall. + +But who and what, meantime, was the master of the house himself? Reader, +he was one of those anomalous practitioners in lower departments of the +law who--what shall I say?--who on prudential reasons, or from necessity, +deny themselves all indulgence in the luxury of too delicate a +conscience, (a periphrasis which might be abridged considerably, but +_that_ I leave to the reader's taste): in many walks of life a conscience +is a more expensive encumbrance than a wife or a carriage; and just as +people talk of "laying down" their carriages, so I suppose my friend Mr. +--- had "laid down" his conscience for a time, meaning, doubtless, to +resume it as soon as he could afford it. The inner economy of such a +man's daily life would present a most strange picture, if I could allow +myself to amuse the reader at his expense. Even with my limited +opportunities for observing what went on, I saw many scenes of London +intrigues and complex chicanery, "cycle and epicycle, orb in orb," at +which I sometimes smile to this day, and at which I smiled then, in spite +of my misery. My situation, however, at that time gave me little +experience in my own person of any qualities in Mr. ---'s character but +such as did him honour; and of his whole strange composition I must +forget everything but that towards me he was obliging, and to the extent +of his power, generous. + +That power was not, indeed, very extensive; however, in common with the +rats, I sate rent free; and as Dr. Johnson has recorded that he never but +once in his life had as much wall-fruit as he could eat, so let me be +grateful that on that single occasion I had as large a choice of +apartments in a London mansion as I could possibly desire. Except the +Bluebeard room, which the poor child believed to be haunted, all others, +from the attics to the cellars, were at our service; "the world was all +before us," and we pitched our tent for the night in any spot we chose. +This house I have already described as a large one; it stands in a +conspicuous situation and in a well-known part of London. Many of my +readers will have passed it, I doubt not, within a few hours of reading +this. For myself, I never fail to visit it when business draws me to +London; about ten o'clock this very night, August 15, 1821--being my +birthday--I turned aside from my evening walk down Oxford Street, +purposely to take a glance at it; it is now occupied by a respectable +family, and by the lights in the front drawing-room I observed a domestic +party assembled, perhaps at tea, and apparently cheerful and gay. +Marvellous contrast, in my eyes, to the darkness, cold, silence, and +desolation of that same house eighteen years ago, when its nightly +occupants were one famishing scholar and a neglected child. Her, by-the- +bye, in after-years I vainly endeavoured to trace. Apart from her +situation, she was not what would be called an interesting child; she was +neither pretty, nor quick in understanding, nor remarkably pleasing in +manners. But, thank God! even in those years I needed not the +embellishments of novel accessories to conciliate my affections: plain +human nature, in its humblest and most homely apparel, was enough for me, +and I loved the child because she was my partner in wretchedness. If she +is now living she is probably a mother, with children of her own; but, as +I have said, I could never trace her. + +This I regret; but another person there was at that time whom I have +since sought to trace with far deeper earnestness, and with far deeper +sorrow at my failure. This person was a young woman, and one of that +unhappy class who subsist upon the wages of prostitution. I feel no +shame, nor have any reason to feel it, in avowing that I was then on +familiar and friendly terms with many women in that unfortunate +condition. The reader needs neither smile at this avowal nor frown; for, +not to remind my classical readers of the old Latin proverb, "_Sine +cerere_," &c., it may well be supposed that in the existing state of my +purse my connection with such women could not have been an impure one. +But the truth is, that at no time of my life have I been a person to hold +myself polluted by the touch or approach of any creature that wore a +human shape; on the contrary, from my very earliest youth it has been my +pride to converse familiarly, _more Socratio_, with all human beings, +man, woman, and child, that chance might fling in my way; a practice +which is friendly to the knowledge of human nature, to good feelings, and +to that frankness of address which becomes a man who would be thought a +philosopher. For a philosopher should not see with the eyes of the poor +limitary creature calling himself a man of the world, and filled with +narrow and self-regarding prejudices of birth and education, but should +look upon himself as a catholic creature, and as standing in equal +relation to high and low, to educated and uneducated, to the guilty and +the innocent. Being myself at that time of necessity a peripatetic, or a +walker of the streets, I naturally fell in more frequently with those +female peripatetics who are technically called street-walkers. Many of +these women had occasionally taken my part against watchmen who wished to +drive me off the steps of houses where I was sitting. But one amongst +them, the one on whose account I have at all introduced this subject--yet +no! let me not class the, oh! noble-minded Ann--with that order of women. +Let me find, if it be possible, some gentler name to designate the +condition of her to whose bounty and compassion, ministering to my +necessities when all the world had forsaken me, I owe it that I am at +this time alive. For many weeks I had walked at nights with this poor +friendless girl up and down Oxford Street, or had rested with her on +steps and under the shelter of porticoes. She could not be so old as +myself; she told me, indeed, that she had not completed her sixteenth +year. By such questions as my interest about her prompted I had +gradually drawn forth her simple history. Hers was a case of ordinary +occurrence (as I have since had reason to think), and one in which, if +London beneficence had better adapted its arrangements to meet it, the +power of the law might oftener be interposed to protect and to avenge. +But the stream of London charity flows in a channel which, though deep +and mighty, is yet noiseless and underground; not obvious or readily +accessible to poor houseless wanderers; and it cannot be denied that the +outside air and framework of London society is harsh, cruel, and +repulsive. In any case, however, I saw that part of her injuries might +easily have been redressed, and I urged her often and earnestly to lay +her complaint before a magistrate. Friendless as she was, I assured her +that she would meet with immediate attention, and that English justice, +which was no respecter of persons, would speedily and amply avenge her on +the brutal ruffian who had plundered her little property. She promised +me often that she would, but she delayed taking the steps I pointed out +from time to time, for she was timid and dejected to a degree which +showed how deeply sorrow had taken hold of her young heart; and perhaps +she thought justly that the most upright judge and the most righteous +tribunals could do nothing to repair her heaviest wrongs. Something, +however, would perhaps have been done, for it had been settled between us +at length, but unhappily on the very last time but one that I was ever to +see her, that in a day or two we should go together before a magistrate, +and that I should speak on her behalf. This little service it was +destined, however, that I should never realise. Meantime, that which she +rendered to me, and which was greater than I could ever have repaid her, +was this:--One night, when we were pacing slowly along Oxford Street, and +after a day when I had felt more than usually ill and faint, I requested +her to turn off with me into Soho Square. Thither we went, and we sat +down on the steps of a house, which to this hour I never pass without a +pang of grief and an inner act of homage to the spirit of that unhappy +girl, in memory of the noble action which she there performed. Suddenly, +as we sate, I grew much worse. I had been leaning my head against her +bosom, and all at once I sank from her arms and fell backwards on the +steps. From the sensations I then had, I felt an inner conviction of the +liveliest kind, that without some powerful and reviving stimulus I should +either have died on the spot, or should at least have sunk to a point of +exhaustion from which all reascent under my friendless circumstances +would soon have become hopeless. Then it was, at this crisis of my fate, +that my poor orphan companion, who had herself met with little but +injuries in this world, stretched out a saving hand to me. Uttering a +cry of terror, but without a moment's delay, she ran off into Oxford +Street, and in less time than could be imagined returned to me with a +glass of port wine and spices, that acted upon my empty stomach, which at +that time would have rejected all solid food, with an instantaneous power +of restoration; and for this glass the generous girl without a murmur +paid out of her humble purse at a time--be it remembered!--when she had +scarcely wherewithal to purchase the bare necessaries of life, and when +she could have no reason to expect that I should ever be able to +reimburse her. + +Oh, youthful benefactress! how often in succeeding years, standing in +solitary places, and thinking of thee with grief of heart and perfect +love--how often have I wished that, as in ancient times, the curse of a +father was believed to have a supernatural power, and to pursue its +object with a fatal necessity of self-fulfilment; even so the benediction +of a heart oppressed with gratitude might have a like prerogative, might +have power given to it from above to chase, to haunt, to waylay, to +overtake, to pursue thee into the central darkness of a London brothel, +or (if it were possible) into the darkness of the grave, there to awaken +thee with an authentic message of peace and forgiveness, and of final +reconciliation! + +I do not often weep: for not only do my thoughts on subjects connected +with the chief interests of man daily, nay hourly, descend a thousand +fathoms "too deep for tears;" not only does the sternness of my habits of +thought present an antagonism to the feelings which prompt tears--wanting +of necessity to those who, being protected usually by their levity from +any tendency to meditative sorrow, would by that same levity be made +incapable of resisting it on any casual access of such feelings; but +also, I believe that all minds which have contemplated such objects as +deeply as I have done, must, for their own protection from utter +despondency, have early encouraged and cherished some tranquillising +belief as to the future balances and the hieroglyphic meanings of human +sufferings. On these accounts I am cheerful to this hour, and, as I have +said, I do not often weep. Yet some feelings, though not deeper or more +passionate, are more tender than others; and often, when I walk at this +time in Oxford Street by dreamy lamplight, and hear those airs played on +a barrel-organ which years ago solaced me and my dear companion (as I +must always call her), I shed tears, and muse with myself at the +mysterious dispensation which so suddenly and so critically separated us +for ever. How it happened the reader will understand from what remains +of this introductory narration. + +Soon after the period of the last incident I have recorded I met in +Albemarle Street a gentleman of his late Majesty's household. This +gentleman had received hospitalities on different occasions from my +family, and he challenged me upon the strength of my family likeness. I +did not attempt any disguise; I answered his questions ingenuously, and, +on his pledging his word of honour that he would not betray me to my +guardians, I gave him an address to my friend the attorney's. The next +day I received from him a 10 pound bank-note. The letter enclosing it +was delivered with other letters of business to the attorney, but though +his look and manner informed me that he suspected its contents, he gave +it up to me honourably and without demur. + +This present, from the particular service to which it was applied, leads +me naturally to speak of the purpose which had allured me up to London, +and which I had been (to use a forensic word) soliciting from the first +day of my arrival in London to that of my final departure. + +In so mighty a world as London it will surprise my readers that I should +not have found some means of starving off the last extremities, of +penury; and it will strike them that two resources at least must have +been open to me--viz., either to seek assistance from the friends of my +family, or to turn my youthful talents and attainments into some channel +of pecuniary emolument. As to the first course, I may observe generally, +that what I dreaded beyond all other evils was the chance of being +reclaimed by my guardians; not doubting that whatever power the law gave +them would have been enforced against me to the utmost--that is, to the +extremity of forcibly restoring me to the school which I had quitted, a +restoration which, as it would in my eyes have been a dishonour, even if +submitted to voluntarily, could not fail, when extorted from me in +contempt and defiance of my own wishes and efforts, to have been a +humiliation worse to me than death, and which would indeed have +terminated in death. I was therefore shy enough of applying for +assistance even in those quarters where I was sure of receiving it, at +the risk of furnishing my guardians with any clue of recovering me. But +as to London in particular, though doubtless my father had in his +lifetime had many friends there, yet (as ten years had passed since his +death) I remembered few of them even by name; and never having seen +London before, except once for a few hours, I knew not the address of +even those few. To this mode of gaining help, therefore, in part the +difficulty, but much more the paramount fear which I have mentioned, +habitually indisposed me. In regard to the other mode, I now feel half +inclined to join my reader in wondering that I should have overlooked it. +As a corrector of Greek proofs (if in no other way) I might doubtless +have gained enough for my slender wants. Such an office as this I could +have discharged with an exemplary and punctual accuracy that would soon +have gained me the confidence of my employers. But it must not be +forgotten that, even for such an office as this, it was necessary that I +should first of all have an introduction to some respectable publisher, +and this I had no means of obtaining. To say the truth, however, it had +never once occurred to me to think of literary labours as a source of +profit. No mode sufficiently speedy of obtaining money had ever occurred +to me but that of borrowing it on the strength of my future claims and +expectations. This mode I sought by every avenue to compass; and amongst +other persons I applied to a Jew named D--- {4} + +To this Jew, and to other advertising money-lenders (some of whom were, I +believe, also Jews), I had introduced myself with an account of my +expectations; which account, on examining my father's will at Doctors' +Commons, they had ascertained to be correct. The person there mentioned +as the second son of --- was found to have all the claims (or more than +all) that I had stated; but one question still remained, which the faces +of the Jews pretty significantly suggested--was _I_ that person? This +doubt had never occurred to me as a possible one; I had rather feared, +whenever my Jewish friends scrutinised me keenly, that I might be too +well known to be that person, and that some scheme might be passing in +their minds for entrapping me and selling me to my guardians. It was +strange to me to find my own self _materialiter_ considered (so I +expressed it, for I doated on logical accuracy of distinctions), accused, +or at least suspected, of counterfeiting my own self _formaliter_ +considered. However, to satisfy their scruples, I took the only course +in my power. Whilst I was in Wales I had received various letters from +young friends these I produced, for I carried them constantly in my +pocket, being, indeed, by this time almost the only relics of my personal +encumbrances (excepting the clothes I wore) which I had not in one way or +other disposed of. Most of these letters were from the Earl of ---, who +was at that time my chief (or rather only) confidential friend. These +letters were dated from Eton. I had also some from the Marquis of ---, +his father, who, though absorbed in agricultural pursuits, yet having +been an Etonian himself, and as good a scholar as a nobleman needs to be, +still retained an affection for classical studies and for youthful +scholars. He had accordingly, from the time that I was fifteen, +corresponded with me; sometimes upon the great improvements which he had +made or was meditating in the counties of M--- and Sl--- since I had been +there, sometimes upon the merits of a Latin poet, and at other times +suggesting subjects to me on which he wished me to write verses. + +On reading the letters, one of my Jewish friends agreed to furnish me +with two or three hundred pounds on my personal security, provided I +could persuade the young Earl --- who was, by the way, not older than +myself--to guarantee the payment on our coming of age; the Jew's final +object being, as I now suppose, not the trifling profit he could expect +to make by me, but the prospect of establishing a connection with my +noble friend, whose immense expectations were well known to him. In +pursuance of this proposal on the part of the Jew, about eight or nine +days after I had received the 10 pounds, I prepared to go down to Eton. +Nearly 3 pounds of the money I had given to my money-lending friend, on +his alleging that the stamps must be bought, in order that the writings +might be preparing whilst I was away from London. I thought in my heart +that he was lying; but I did not wish to give him any excuse for charging +his own delays upon me. A smaller sum I had given to my friend the +attorney (who was connected with the money-lenders as their lawyer), to +which, indeed, he was entitled for his unfurnished lodgings. About +fifteen shillings I had employed in re-establishing (though in a very +humble way) my dress. Of the remainder I gave one quarter to Ann, +meaning on my return to have divided with her whatever might remain. +These arrangements made, soon after six o'clock on a dark winter evening +I set off, accompanied by Ann, towards Piccadilly; for it was my +intention to go down as far as Salthill on the Bath or Bristol mail. Our +course lay through a part of the town which has now all disappeared, so +that I can no longer retrace its ancient boundaries--Swallow Street, I +think it was called. Having time enough before us, however, we bore away +to the left until we came into Golden Square; there, near the corner of +Sherrard Street, we sat down, not wishing to part in the tumult and blaze +of Piccadilly. I had told her of my plans some time before, and I now +assured her again that she should share in my good fortune, if I met with +any, and that I would never forsake her as soon as I had power to protect +her. This I fully intended, as much from inclination as from a sense of +duty; for setting aside gratitude, which in any case must have made me +her debtor for life, I loved her as affectionately as if she had been my +sister; and at this moment with sevenfold tenderness, from pity at +witnessing her extreme dejection. I had apparently most reason for +dejection, because I was leaving the saviour of my life; yet I, +considering the shock my health had received, was cheerful and full of +hope. She, on the contrary, who was parting with one who had had little +means of serving her, except by kindness and brotherly treatment, was +overcome by sorrow; so that, when I kissed her at our final farewell, she +put her arms about my neck and wept without speaking a word. I hoped to +return in a week at farthest, and I agreed with her that on the fifth +night from that, and every night afterwards, she would wait for me at six +o'clock near the bottom of Great Titchfield Street, which had been our +customary haven, as it were, of rendezvous, to prevent our missing each +other in the great Mediterranean of Oxford Street. This and other +measures of precaution I took; one only I forgot. She had either never +told me, or (as a matter of no great interest) I had forgotten her +surname. It is a general practice, indeed, with girls of humble rank in +her unhappy condition, not (as novel-reading women of higher pretensions) +to style themselves _Miss Douglas_, _Miss Montague_, &c., but simply by +their Christian names--_Mary_, _Jane_, _Frances_, &c. Her surname, as +the surest means of tracing her hereafter, I ought now to have inquired; +but the truth is, having no reason to think that our meeting could, in +consequence of a short interruption, be more difficult or uncertain than +it had been for so many weeks, I had scarcely for a moment adverted to it +as necessary, or placed it amongst my memoranda against this parting +interview; and my final anxieties being spent in comforting her with +hopes, and in pressing upon her the necessity of getting some medicines +for a violent cough and hoarseness with which she was troubled, I wholly +forgot it until it was too late to recall her. + +It was past eight o'clock when I reached the Gloucester Coffee-house, and +the Bristol mail being on the point of going off, I mounted on the +outside. The fine fluent motion {5} of this mail soon laid me asleep: it +is somewhat remarkable that the first easy or refreshing sleep which I +had enjoyed for some months, was on the outside of a mail-coach--a bed +which at this day I find rather an uneasy one. Connected with this sleep +was a little incident which served, as hundreds of others did at that +time, to convince me how easily a man who has never been in any great +distress may pass through life without knowing, in his own person at +least, anything of the possible goodness of the human heart--or, as I +must add with a sigh, of its possible vileness. So thick a curtain of +_manners_ is drawn over the features and expression of men's _natures_, +that to the ordinary observer the two extremities, and the infinite field +of varieties which lie between them, are all confounded; the vast and +multitudinous compass of their several harmonies reduced to the meagre +outline of differences expressed in the gamut or alphabet of elementary +sounds. The case was this: for the first four or five miles from London +I annoyed my fellow-passenger on the roof by occasionally falling against +him when the coach gave a lurch to his: side; and indeed, if the road had +been less smooth and level than it is, I should have fallen off from +weakness. Of this annoyance he complained heavily, as perhaps, in the +same circumstances, most people would; he expressed his complaint, +however, more morosely than the occasion seemed to warrant, and if I had +parted with him at that moment I should have thought of him (if I had +considered it worth while to think of him at all) as a surly and almost +brutal fellow. However, I was conscious that I had given him some cause +for complaint, and therefore I apologized to him, and assured him I would +do what I could to avoid falling asleep for the future; and at the same +time, in as few words as possible, I explained to him that I was ill and +in a weak state from long suffering, and that I could not afford at that +time to take an inside place. This man's manner changed, upon hearing +this explanation, in an instant; and when I next woke for a minute from +the noise and lights of Hounslow (for in spite of my wishes and efforts I +had fallen asleep again within two minutes from the time I had spoken to +him) I found that he had put his arm round me to protect me from falling +off, and for the rest of my journey he behaved to me with the gentleness +of a woman, so that at length I almost lay in his arms; and this was the +more kind, as he could not have known that I was not going the whole way +to Bath or Bristol. Unfortunately, indeed, I _did_ go rather farther +than I intended, for so genial and so refreshing was my sleep, that the +next time after leaving Hounslow that I fully awoke was upon the sudden +pulling up of the mail (possibly at a post-office), and on inquiry I +found that we had reached Maidenhead--six or seven miles, I think, ahead +of Salthill. Here I alighted, and for the half-minute that the mail +stopped I was entreated by my friendly companion (who, from the transient +glimpse I had had of him in Piccadilly, seemed to me to be a gentleman's +butler, or person of that rank) to go to bed without delay. This I +promised, though with no intention of doing so; and in fact I immediately +set forward, or rather backward, on foot. It must then have been nearly +midnight, but so slowly did I creep along that I heard a clock in a +cottage strike four before I turned down the lane from Slough to Eton. +The air and the sleep had both refreshed me; but I was weary +nevertheless. I remember a thought (obvious enough, and which has been +prettily expressed by a Roman poet) which gave me some consolation at +that moment under my poverty. There had been some time before a murder +committed on or near Hounslow Heath. I think I cannot be mistaken when I +say that the name of the murdered person was _Steele_, and that he was +the owner of a lavender plantation in that neighbourhood. Every step of +my progress was bringing me nearer to the Heath, and it naturally +occurred to me that I and the accused murderer, if he were that night +abroad, might at every instant be unconsciously approaching each other +through the darkness; in which case, said I--supposing I, instead of +being (as indeed I am) little better than an outcast-- + + Lord of my learning, and no land beside-- + +were, like my friend Lord ---, heir by general repute to 70,000 pounds +per annum, what a panic should I be under at this moment about my throat! +Indeed, it was not likely that Lord --- should ever be in my situation. +But nevertheless, the spirit of the remark remains true--that vast power +and possessions make a man shamefully afraid of dying; and I am convinced +that many of the most intrepid adventurers, who, by fortunately being +poor, enjoy the full use of their natural courage, would, if at the very +instant of going into action news were brought to them that they had +unexpectedly succeeded to an estate in England of 50,000 pounds a-year, +feel their dislike to bullets considerably sharpened, {6} and their +efforts at perfect equanimity and self-possession proportionably +difficult. So true it is, in the language of a wise man whose own +experience had made him acquainted with both fortunes, that riches are +better fitted + + To slacken virtue, and abate her edge, + Than tempt her to do ought may merit praise. + + _Paradise Regained_. + +I dally with my subject because, to myself, the remembrance of these +times is profoundly interesting. But my reader shall not have any +further cause to complain, for I now hasten to its close. In the road +between Slough and Eton I fell asleep, and just as the morning began to +dawn I was awakened by the voice of a man standing over me and surveying +me. I know not what he was: he was an ill-looking fellow, but not +therefore of necessity an ill-meaning fellow; or, if he were, I suppose +he thought that no person sleeping out-of-doors in winter could be worth +robbing. In which conclusion, however, as it regarded myself, I beg to +assure him, if he should be among my readers, that he was mistaken. After +a slight remark he passed on; and I was not sorry at his disturbance, as +it enabled me to pass through Eton before people were generally up. The +night had been heavy and lowering, but towards the morning it had changed +to a slight frost, and the ground and the trees were now covered with +rime. I slipped through Eton unobserved; washed myself, and as far as +possible adjusted my dress, at a little public-house in Windsor; and +about eight o'clock went down towards Pote's. On my road I met some +junior boys, of whom I made inquiries. An Etonian is always a gentleman; +and, in spite of my shabby habiliments, they answered me civilly. My +friend Lord --- was gone to the University of ---. "Ibi omnis effusus +labor!" I had, however, other friends at Eton; but it is not to all that +wear that name in prosperity that a man is willing to present himself in +distress. On recollecting myself, however, I asked for the Earl of D---, +to whom (though my acquaintance with him was not so intimate as with some +others) I should not have shrunk from presenting myself under any +circumstances. He was still at Eton, though I believe on the wing for +Cambridge. I called, was received kindly, and asked to breakfast. + +Here let me stop for a moment to check my reader from any erroneous +conclusions. Because I have had occasion incidentally to speak of +various patrician friends, it must not be supposed that I have myself any +pretension to rank and high blood. I thank God that I have not. I am +the son of a plain English merchant, esteemed during his life for his +great integrity, and strongly attached to literary pursuits (indeed, he +was himself, anonymously, an author). If he had lived it was expected +that he would have been very rich; but dying prematurely, he left no more +than about 30,000 pounds amongst seven different claimants. My mother I +may mention with honour, as still more highly gifted; for though +unpretending to the name and honours of a _literary_ woman, I shall +presume to call her (what many literary women are not) an _intellectual_ +woman; and I believe that if ever her letters should be collected and +published, they would be thought generally to exhibit as much strong and +masculine sense, delivered in as pure "mother English," racy and fresh +with idiomatic graces, as any in our language--hardly excepting those of +Lady M. W. Montague. These are my honours of descent, I have no other; +and I have thanked God sincerely that I have not, because, in my +judgment, a station which raises a man too eminently above the level of +his fellow-creatures is not the most favourable to moral or to +intellectual qualities. + +Lord D--- placed before me a most magnificent breakfast. It was really +so; but in my eyes it seemed trebly magnificent, from being the first +regular meal, the first "good man's table," that I had sate down to for +months. Strange to say, however, I could scarce eat anything. On the +day when I first received my 10 pound bank-note I had gone to a baker's +shop and bought a couple of rolls; this very shop I had two months or six +weeks before surveyed with an eagerness of desire which it was almost +humiliating to me to recollect. I remembered the story about Otway, and +feared that there might be danger in eating too rapidly. But I had no +need for alarm; my appetite was quite sunk, and I became sick before I +had eaten half of what I had bought. This effect from eating what +approached to a meal I continued to feel for weeks; or, when I did not +experience any nausea, part of what I ate was rejected, sometimes with +acidity, sometimes immediately and without any acidity. On the present +occasion, at Lord D-'s table, I found myself not at all better than +usual, and in the midst of luxuries I had no appetite. I had, however, +unfortunately, at all times a craving for wine; I explained my situation, +therefore, to Lord D---, and gave him a short account of my late +sufferings, at which he expressed great compassion, and called for wine. +This gave me a momentary relief and pleasure; and on all occasions when I +had an opportunity I never failed to drink wine, which I worshipped then +as I have since worshipped opium. I am convinced, however, that this +indulgence in wine contributed to strengthen my malady, for the tone of +my stomach was apparently quite sunk, and by a better regimen it might +sooner, and perhaps effectually, have been revived. I hope that it was +not from this love of wine that I lingered in the neighbourhood of my +Eton friends; I persuaded myself then that it was from reluctance to ask +of Lord D---, on whom I was conscious I had not sufficient claims, the +particular service in quest of which I had come down to Eton. I was, +however unwilling to lose my journey, and--I asked it. Lord D---, whose +good nature was unbounded, and which, in regard to myself, had been +measured rather by his compassion perhaps for my condition, and his +knowledge of my intimacy with some of his relatives, than by an +over-rigorous inquiry into the extent of my own direct claims, faltered, +nevertheless, at this request. He acknowledged that he did not like to +have any dealings with money-lenders, and feared lest such a transaction +might come to the ears of his connexions. Moreover, he doubted whether +_his_ signature, whose expectations were so much more bounded than those +of ---, would avail with my unchristian friends. However, he did not +wish, as it seemed, to mortify me by an absolute refusal; for after a +little consideration he promised, under certain conditions which he +pointed out, to give his security. Lord D--- was at this time not +eighteen years of age; but I have often doubted, on recollecting since +the good sense and prudence which on this occasion he mingled with so +much urbanity of manner (an urbanity which in him wore the grace of +youthful sincerity), whether any statesman--the oldest and the most +accomplished in diplomacy--could have acquitted himself better under the +same circumstances. Most people, indeed, cannot be addressed on such a +business without surveying you with looks as austere and unpropitious as +those of a Saracen's head. + +Recomforted by this promise, which was not quite equal to the best but +far above the worst that I had pictured to myself as possible, I returned +in a Windsor coach to London three days after I had quitted it. And now +I come to the end of my story. The Jews did not approve of Lord D---'s +terms; whether they would in the end have acceded to them, and were only +seeking time for making due inquiries, I know not; but many delays were +made, time passed on, the small fragment of my bank-note had just melted +away, and before any conclusion could have been put to the business I +must have relapsed into my former state of wretchedness. Suddenly, +however, at this crisis, an opening was made, almost by accident, for +reconciliation with my friends; I quitted London in haste for a remote +part of England; after some time I proceeded to the university, and it +was not until many months had passed away that I had it in my power again +to revisit the ground which had become so interesting to me, and to this +day remains so, as the chief scene of my youthful sufferings. + +Meantime, what had become of poor Ann? For her I have reserved my +concluding words. According to our agreement, I sought her daily, and +waited for her every night, so long as I stayed in London, at the corner +of Titchfield Street. I inquired for her of every one who was likely to +know her, and during the last hours of my stay in London I put into +activity every means of tracing her that my knowledge of London suggested +and the limited extent of my power made possible. The street where she +had lodged I knew, but not the house; and I remembered at last some +account which she had given me of ill-treatment from her landlord, which +made it probable that she had quitted those lodgings before we parted. +She had few acquaintances; most people, besides, thought that the +earnestness of my inquiries arose from motives which moved their laughter +or their slight regard; and others, thinking I was in chase of a girl who +had robbed me of some trifles, were naturally and excusably indisposed to +give me any clue to her, if indeed they had any to give. Finally as my +despairing resource, on the day I left London I put into the hands of the +only person who (I was sure) must know Ann by sight, from having been in +company with us once or twice, an address to ---, in ---shire, at that +time the residence of my family. But to this hour I have never heard a +syllable about her. This, amongst such troubles as most men meet with in +this life, has been my heaviest affliction. If she lived, doubtless we +must have been some time in search of each other, at the very same +moment, through the mighty labyrinths of London; perhaps even within a +few feet of each other--a barrier no wider than a London street often +amounting in the end to a separation for eternity! During some years I +hoped that she _did_ live; and I suppose that, in the literal and +unrhetorical use of the word _myriad_, I may say that on my different +visits to London I have looked into many, many myriads of female faces, +in the hope of meeting her. I should know her again amongst a thousand, +if I saw her for a moment; for though not handsome, she had a sweet +expression of countenance and a peculiar and graceful carriage of the +head. I sought her, I have said, in hope. So it was for years; but now +I should fear to see her; and her cough, which grieved me when I parted +with her, is now my consolation. I now wish to see her no longer; but +think of her, more gladly, as one long since laid in the grave--in the +grave, I would hope, of a Magdalen; taken away, before injuries and +cruelty had blotted out and transfigured her ingenuous nature, or the +brutalities of ruffians had completed the ruin they had begun. + +[The remainder of this very interesting article will be given in the next +number.--ED.] + + + + +PART II + + +From the London Magazine for October 1821. + +So then, Oxford Street, stony-hearted step-mother! thou that listenest to +the sighs of orphans and drinkest the tears of children, at length I was +dismissed from thee; the time was come at last that I no more should pace +in anguish thy never-ending terraces, no more should dream and wake in +captivity to the pangs of hunger. Successors too many, to myself and +Ann, have doubtless since then trodden in our footsteps, inheritors of +our calamities; other orphans than Ann have sighed; tears have been shed +by other children; and thou, Oxford Street, hast since doubtless echoed +to the groans of innumerable hearts. For myself, however, the storm +which I had outlived seemed to have been the pledge of a long +fair-weather--the premature sufferings which I had paid down to have been +accepted as a ransom for many years to come, as a price of long immunity +from sorrow; and if again I walked in London a solitary and contemplative +man (as oftentimes I did), I walked for the most part in serenity and +peace of mind. And although it is true that the calamities of my +noviciate in London had struck root so deeply in my bodily constitution, +that afterwards they shot up and flourished afresh, and grew into a +noxious umbrage that has overshadowed and darkened my latter years, yet +these second assaults of suffering were met with a fortitude more +confirmed, with the resources of a maturer intellect, and with +alleviations from sympathising affection--how deep and tender! + +Thus, however, with whatsoever alleviations, years that were far asunder +were bound together by subtle links of suffering derived from a common +root. And herein I notice an instance of the short-sightedness of human +desires, that oftentimes on moonlight nights, during my first mournful +abode in London, my consolation was (if such it could be thought) to gaze +from Oxford Street up every avenue in succession which pierces through +the heart of Marylebone to the fields and the woods; for _that_, said I, +travelling with my eyes up the long vistas which lay part in light and +part in shade, "_that_ is the road to the North, and therefore to, and if +I had the wings of a dove, _that_ way I would fly for comfort." Thus I +said, and thus I wished, in my blindness. Yet even in that very northern +region it was, even in that very valley, nay, in that very house to which +my erroneous wishes pointed, that this second birth of my sufferings +began, and that they again threatened to besiege the citadel of life and +hope. There it was that for years I was persecuted by visions as ugly, +and as ghastly phantoms as ever haunted the couch of an Orestes; and in +this unhappier than he, that sleep, which comes to all as a respite and a +restoration, and to him especially as a blessed {7} balm for his wounded +heart and his haunted brain, visited me as my bitterest scourge. Thus +blind was I in my desires; yet if a veil interposes between the +dim-sightedness of man and his future calamities, the same veil hides +from him their alleviations, and a grief which had not been feared is met +by consolations which had not been hoped. I therefore, who participated, +as it were, in the troubles of Orestes (excepting only in his agitated +conscience), participated no less in all his supports. My Eumenides, +like his, were at my bed-feet, and stared in upon me through the +curtains; but watching by my pillow, or defrauding herself of sleep to +bear me company through the heavy watches of the night, sate my Electra; +for thou, beloved M., dear companion of my later years, thou wast my +Electra! and neither in nobility of mind nor in long-suffering affection +wouldst permit that a Grecian sister should excel an English wife. For +thou thoughtest not much to stoop to humble offices of kindness and to +servile {8} ministrations of tenderest affection--to wipe away for years +the unwholesome dews upon the forehead, or to refresh the lips when +parched and baked with fever; nor even when thy own peaceful slumbers had +by long sympathy become infected with the spectacle of my dread contest +with phantoms and shadowy enemies that oftentimes bade me "sleep no +more!"--not even then didst thou utter a complaint or any murmur, nor +withdraw thy angelic smiles, nor shrink from thy service of love, more +than Electra did of old. For she too, though she was a Grecian woman, +and the daughter of the king {9} of men, yet wept sometimes, and hid her +face {10} in her robe. + +But these troubles are past; and thou wilt read records of a period so +dolorous to us both as the legend of some hideous dream that can return +no more. Meantime, I am again in London, and again I pace the terraces +of Oxford Street by night; and oftentimes, when I am oppressed by +anxieties that demand all my philosophy and the comfort of thy presence +to support, and yet remember that I am separated from thee by three +hundred miles and the length of three dreary months, I look up the +streets that run northwards from Oxford Street, upon moonlight nights, +and recollect my youthful ejaculation of anguish; and remembering that +thou art sitting alone in that same valley, and mistress of that very +house to which my heart turned in its blindness nineteen years ago, I +think that, though blind indeed, and scattered to the winds of late, the +promptings of my heart may yet have had reference to a remoter time, and +may be justified if read in another meaning; and if I could allow myself +to descend again to the impotent wishes of childhood, I should again say +to myself, as I look to the North, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove--" +and with how just a confidence in thy good and gracious nature might I +add the other half of my early ejaculation--"And _that_ way I would fly +for comfort!" + + + +THE PLEASURES OF OPIUM + + +It is so long since I first took opium that if it had been a trifling +incident in my life I might have forgotten its date; but cardinal events +are not to be forgotten, and from circumstances connected with it I +remember that it must be referred to the autumn of 1804. During that +season I was in London, having come thither for the first time since my +entrance at college. And my introduction to opium arose in the following +way. From an early age I had been accustomed to wash my head in cold +water at least once a day: being suddenly seized with toothache, I +attributed it to some relaxation caused by an accidental intermission of +that practice, jumped out of bed, plunged my head into a basin of cold +water, and with hair thus wetted went to sleep. The next morning, as I +need hardly say, I awoke with excruciating rheumatic pains of the head +and face, from which I had hardly any respite for about twenty days. On +the twenty-first day I think it was, and on a Sunday, that I went out +into the streets, rather to run away, if possible, from my torments, than +with any distinct purpose. By accident I met a college acquaintance, who +recommended opium. Opium! dread agent of unimaginable pleasure and pain! +I had heard of it as I had of manna or of ambrosia, but no further. How +unmeaning a sound was it at that time: what solemn chords does it now +strike upon my heart! what heart-quaking vibrations of sad and happy +remembrances! Reverting for a moment to these, I feel a mystic +importance attached to the minutest circumstances connected with the +place and the time and the man (if man he was) that first laid open to me +the Paradise of Opium-eaters. It was a Sunday afternoon, wet and +cheerless: and a duller spectacle this earth of ours has not to show than +a rainy Sunday in London. My road homewards lay through Oxford Street; +and near "the stately Pantheon" (as Mr. Wordsworth has obligingly called +it) I saw a druggist's shop. The druggist--unconscious minister of +celestial pleasures!--as if in sympathy with the rainy Sunday, looked +dull and stupid, just as any mortal druggist might be expected to look on +a Sunday; and when I asked for the tincture of opium, he gave it to me as +any other man might do, and furthermore, out of my shilling returned me +what seemed to be real copper halfpence, taken out of a real wooden +drawer. Nevertheless, in spite of such indications of humanity, he has +ever since existed in my mind as the beatific vision of an immortal +druggist, sent down to earth on a special mission to myself. And it +confirms me in this way of considering him, that when I next came up to +London I sought him near the stately Pantheon, and found him not; and +thus to me, who knew not his name (if indeed he had one), he seemed +rather to have vanished from Oxford Street than to have removed in any +bodily fashion. The reader may choose to think of him as possibly no +more than a sublunary druggist; it may be so, but my faith is better--I +believe him to have evanesced, {11} or evaporated. So unwillingly would +I connect any mortal remembrances with that hour, and place, and +creature, that first brought me acquainted with the celestial drug. + +Arrived at my lodgings, it may be supposed that I lost not a moment in +taking the quantity prescribed. I was necessarily ignorant of the whole +art and mystery of opium-taking, and what I took I took under every +disadvantage. But I took it--and in an hour--oh, heavens! what a +revulsion! what an upheaving, from its lowest depths, of inner spirit! +what an apocalypse of the world within me! That my pains had vanished +was now a trifle in my eyes: this negative effect was swallowed up in the +immensity of those positive effects which had opened before me--in the +abyss of divine enjoyment thus suddenly revealed. Here was a panacea, a +[Greek text] for all human woes; here was the secret of happiness, about +which philosophers had disputed for so many ages, at once discovered: +happiness might now be bought for a penny, and carried in the waistcoat +pocket; portable ecstacies might be had corked up in a pint bottle, and +peace of mind could be sent down in gallons by the mail-coach. But if I +talk in this way the reader will think I am laughing, and I can assure +him that nobody will laugh long who deals much with opium: its pleasures +even are of a grave and solemn complexion, and in his happiest state the +opium-eater cannot present himself in the character of _L'Allegro_: even +then he speaks and thinks as becomes _Il Penseroso_. Nevertheless, I +have a very reprehensible way of jesting at times in the midst of my own +misery; and unless when I am checked by some more powerful feelings, I am +afraid I shall be guilty of this indecent practice even in these annals +of suffering or enjoyment. The reader must allow a little to my infirm +nature in this respect; and with a few indulgences of that sort I shall +endeavour to be as grave, if not drowsy, as fits a theme like opium, so +anti-mercurial as it really is, and so drowsy as it is falsely reputed. + +And first, one word with respect to its bodily effects; for upon all that +has been hitherto written on the subject of opium, whether by travellers +in Turkey (who may plead their privilege of lying as an old immemorial +right), or by professors of medicine, writing _ex cathedra_, I have but +one emphatic criticism to pronounce--Lies! lies! lies! I remember once, +in passing a book-stall, to have caught these words from a page of some +satiric author: "By this time I became convinced that the London +newspapers spoke truth at least twice a week, viz., on Tuesday and +Saturday, and might safely be depended upon for--the list of bankrupts." +In like manner, I do by no means deny that some truths have been +delivered to the world in regard to opium. Thus it has been repeatedly +affirmed by the learned that opium is a dusky brown in colour; and this, +take notice, I grant. Secondly, that it is rather dear, which also I +grant, for in my time East Indian opium has been three guineas a pound, +and Turkey eight. And thirdly, that if you eat a good deal of it, most +probably you must--do what is particularly disagreeable to any man of +regular habits, viz., die. {12} These weighty propositions are, all and +singular, true: I cannot gainsay them, and truth ever was, and will be, +commendable. But in these three theorems I believe we have exhausted the +stock of knowledge as yet accumulated by men on the subject of opium. + +And therefore, worthy doctors, as there seems to be room for further +discoveries, stand aside, and allow me to come forward and lecture on +this matter. + +First, then, it is not so much affirmed as taken for granted, by all who +ever mention opium, formally or incidentally, that it does or can produce +intoxication. Now, reader, assure yourself, _meo perieulo_, that no +quantity of opium ever did or could intoxicate. As to the tincture of +opium (commonly called laudanum) _that_ might certainly intoxicate if a +man could bear to take enough of it; but why? Because it contains so +much proof spirit, and not because it contains so much opium. But crude +opium, I affirm peremptorily, is incapable of producing any state of body +at all resembling that which is produced by alcohol, and not in _degree_ +only incapable, but even in _kind_: it is not in the quantity of its +effects merely, but in the quality, that it differs altogether. The +pleasure given by wine is always mounting and tending to a crisis, after +which it declines; that from opium, when once generated, is stationary +for eight or ten hours: the first, to borrow a technical distinction from +medicine, is a case of acute--the second, the chronic pleasure; the one +is a flame, the other a steady and equable glow. But the main +distinction lies in this, that whereas wine disorders the mental +faculties, opium, on the contrary (if taken in a proper manner), +introduces amongst them the most exquisite order, legislation, and +harmony. Wine robs a man of his self-possession; opium greatly +invigorates it. Wine unsettles and clouds the judgement, and gives a +preternatural brightness and a vivid exaltation to the contempts and the +admirations, the loves and the hatreds of the drinker; opium, on the +contrary, communicates serenity and equipoise to all the faculties, +active or passive, and with respect to the temper and moral feelings in +general it gives simply that sort of vital warmth which is approved by +the judgment, and which would probably always accompany a bodily +constitution of primeval or antediluvian health. Thus, for instance, +opium, like wine, gives an expansion to the heart and the benevolent +affections; but then, with this remarkable difference, that in the sudden +development of kind-heartedness which accompanies inebriation there is +always more or less of a maudlin character, which exposes it to the +contempt of the bystander. Men shake hands, swear eternal friendship, +and shed tears, no mortal knows why; and the sensual creature is clearly +uppermost. But the expansion of the benigner feelings incident to opium +is no febrile access, but a healthy restoration to that state which the +mind would naturally recover upon the removal of any deep-seated +irritation of pain that had disturbed and quarrelled with the impulses of +a heart originally just and good. True it is that even wine, up to a +certain point and with certain men, rather tends to exalt and to steady +the intellect; I myself, who have never been a great wine-drinker, used +to find that half-a-dozen glasses of wine advantageously affected the +faculties--brightened and intensified the consciousness, and gave to the +mind a feeling of being "ponderibus librata suis;" and certainly it is +most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man that he is +_disguised_ in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by +sobriety, and it is when they are drinking (as some old gentleman says in +Athenaeus), that men [Greek text]--display themselves in their true +complexion of character, which surely is not disguising themselves. But +still, wine constantly leads a man to the brink of absurdity and +extravagance, and beyond a certain point it is sure to volatilise and to +disperse the intellectual energies: whereas opium always seems to compose +what had been agitated, and to concentrate what had been distracted. In +short, to sum up all in one word, a man who is inebriated, or tending to +inebriation, is, and feels that he is, in a condition which calls up into +supremacy the merely human, too often the brutal part of his nature; but +the opium-eater (I speak of him who is not suffering from any disease or +other remote effects of opium) feels that the divines part of his nature +is paramount; that is, the moral affections are in a state of cloudless +serenity, and over all is the great light of the majestic intellect. + +This is the doctrine of the true church on the subject of opium: of which +church I acknowledge myself to be the only member--the alpha and the +omega: but then it is to be recollected that I speak from the ground of a +large and profound personal experience: whereas most of the unscientific +{13} authors who have at all treated of opium, and even of those who have +written expressly on the materia medica, make it evident, from the horror +they express of it, that their experimental knowledge of its action is +none at all. I will, however, candidly acknowledge that I have met with +one person who bore evidence to its intoxicating power, such as staggered +my own incredulity; for he was a surgeon, and had himself taken opium +largely. I happened to say to him that his enemies (as I had heard) +charged him with talking nonsense on politics, and that his friends +apologized for him by suggesting that he was constantly in a state of +intoxication from opium. Now the accusation, said I, is not _prima +facie_ and of necessity an absurd one; but the defence _is_. To my +surprise, however, he insisted that both his enemies and his friends were +in the right. "I will maintain," said he, "that I _do_ talk nonsense; +and secondly, I will maintain that I do not talk nonsense upon principle, +or with any view to profit, but solely and simply, said he, solely and +simply--solely and simply (repeating it three times over), because I am +drunk with opium, and _that_ daily." I replied that, as to the +allegation of his enemies, as it seemed to be established upon such +respectable testimony, seeing that the three parties concerned all agree +in it, it did not become me to question it; but the defence set up I must +demur to. He proceeded to discuss the matter, and to lay down his +reasons; but it seemed to me so impolite to pursue an argument which must +have presumed a man mistaken in a point belonging to his own profession, +that I did not press him even when his course of argument seemed open to +objection; not to mention that a man who talks nonsense, even though +"with no view to profit," is not altogether the most agreeable partner in +a dispute, whether as opponent or respondent. I confess, however, that +the authority of a surgeon, and one who was reputed a good one, may seem +a weighty one to my prejudice; but still I must plead my experience, +which was greater than his greatest by 7,000 drops a-day; and though it +was not possible to suppose a medical man unacquainted with the +characteristic symptoms of vinous intoxication, it yet struck me that he +might proceed on a logical error of using the word intoxication with too +great latitude, and extending it generically to all modes of nervous +excitement, instead of restricting it as the expression for a specific +sort of excitement connected with certain diagnostics. Some people have +maintained in my hearing that they had been drunk upon green tea; and a +medical student in London, for whose knowledge in his profession I have +reason to feel great respect, assured me the other day that a patient in +recovering from an illness had got drunk on a beef-steak. + +Having dwelt so much on this first and leading error in respect to opium, +I shall notice very briefly a second and a third, which are, that the +elevation of spirits produced by opium is necessarily followed by a +proportionate depression, and that the natural and even immediate +consequence of opium is torpor and stagnation, animal and mental. The +first of these errors I shall content myself with simply denying; +assuring my reader that for ten years, during which I took opium at +intervals, the day succeeding to that on which I allowed myself this +luxury was always a day of unusually good spirits. + +With respect to the torpor supposed to follow, or rather (if we were to +credit the numerous pictures of Turkish opium-eaters) to accompany the +practice of opium-eating, I deny that also. Certainly opium is classed +under the head of narcotics, and some such effect it may produce in the +end; but the primary effects of opium are always, and in the highest +degree, to excite and stimulate the system. This first stage of its +action always lasted with me, during my noviciate, for upwards of eight +hours; so that it must be the fault of the opium-eater himself if he does +not so time his exhibition of the dose (to speak medically) as that the +whole weight of its narcotic influence may descend upon his sleep. +Turkish opium-eaters, it seems, are absurd enough to sit, like so many +equestrian statues, on logs of wood as stupid as themselves. But that +the reader may judge of the degree in which opium is likely to stupefy +the faculties of an Englishman, I shall (by way of treating the question +illustratively, rather than argumentatively) describe the way in which I +myself often passed an opium evening in London during the period between +1804-1812. It will be seen that at least opium did not move me to seek +solitude, and much less to seek inactivity, or the torpid state of self- +involution ascribed to the Turks. I give this account at the risk of +being pronounced a crazy enthusiast or visionary; but I regard _that_ +little. I must desire my reader to bear in mind that I was a hard +student, and at severe studies for all the rest of my time; and certainly +I had a right occasionally to relaxations as well as other people. These, +however, I allowed myself but seldom. + +The late Duke of --- used to say, "Next Friday, by the blessing of +heaven, I purpose to be drunk;" and in like manner I used to fix +beforehand how often within a given time, and when, I would commit a +debauch of opium. This was seldom more than once in three weeks, for at +that time I could not have ventured to call every day, as I did +afterwards, for "_a glass of laudanum negus, warm, and without sugar_." +No, as I have said, I seldom drank laudanum, at that time, more than once +in three weeks: This was usually on a Tuesday or a Saturday night; my +reason for which was this. In those days Grassini sang at the Opera, and +her voice was delightful to me beyond all that I had ever heard. I know +not what may be the state of the Opera-house now, having never been +within its walls for seven or eight years, but at that time it was by +much the most pleasant place of public resort in London for passing an +evening. Five shillings admitted one to the gallery, which was subject +to far less annoyance than the pit of the theatres; the orchestra was +distinguished by its sweet and melodious grandeur from all English +orchestras, the composition of which, I confess, is not acceptable to my +ear, from the predominance of the clamorous instruments and the absolute +tyranny of the violin. The choruses were divine to hear, and when +Grassini appeared in some interlude, as she often did, and poured forth +her passionate soul as Andromache at the tomb of Hector, &c., I question +whether any Turk, of all that ever entered the Paradise of Opium-eaters, +can have had half the pleasure I had. But, indeed, I honour the +barbarians too much by supposing them capable of any pleasures +approaching to the intellectual ones of an Englishman. For music is an +intellectual or a sensual pleasure according to the temperament of him +who hears it. And, by-the-bye, with the exception of the fine +extravaganza on that subject in "Twelfth Night," I do not recollect more +than one thing said adequately on the subject of music in all literature; +it is a passage in the _Religio Medici_ {14} of Sir T. Brown, and though +chiefly remarkable for its sublimity, has also a philosophic value, +inasmuch as it points to the true theory of musical effects. The mistake +of most people is to suppose that it is by the ear they communicate with +music, and therefore that they are purely passive to its effects. But +this is not so; it is by the reaction of the mind upon the notices of the +ear (the _matter_ coming by the senses, the _form_ from the mind) that +the pleasure is constructed, and therefore it is that people of equally +good ear differ so much in this point from one another. Now, opium, by +greatly increasing the activity of the mind, generally increases, of +necessity, that particular mode of its activity by which we are able to +construct out of the raw material of organic sound an elaborate +intellectual pleasure. But, says a friend, a succession of musical +sounds is to me like a collection of Arabic characters; I can attach no +ideas to them. Ideas! my good sir? There is no occasion for them; all +that class of ideas which can be available in such a case has a language +of representative feelings. But this is a subject foreign to my present +purposes; it is sufficient to say that a chorus, &c., of elaborate +harmony displayed before me, as in a piece of arras work, the whole of my +past life--not as if recalled by an act of memory, but as if present and +incarnated in the music; no longer painful to dwell upon; but the detail +of its incidents removed or blended in some hazy abstraction, and its +passions exalted, spiritualized, and sublimed. All this was to be had +for five shillings. And over and above the music of the stage and the +orchestra, I had all around me, in the intervals of the performance, the +music of the Italian language talked by Italian women--for the gallery +was usually crowded with Italians--and I listened with a pleasure such as +that with which Weld the traveller lay and listened, in Canada, to the +sweet laughter of Indian women; for the less you understand of a +language, the more sensible you are to the melody or harshness of its +sounds. For such a purpose, therefore, it was an advantage to me that I +was a poor Italian scholar, reading it but little, and not speaking it at +all, nor understanding a tenth part of what I heard spoken. + +These were my opera pleasures; but another pleasure I had which, as it +could be had only on a Saturday night, occasionally struggled with my +love of the Opera; for at that time Tuesday and Saturday were the regular +opera nights. On this subject I am afraid I shall be rather obscure, but +I can assure the reader not at all more so than Marinus in his Life of +Proclus, or many other biographers and autobiographers of fair +reputation. This pleasure, I have said, was to be had only on a Saturday +night. What, then, was Saturday night to me more than any other night? I +had no labours that I rested from, no wages to receive; what needed I to +care for Saturday night, more than as it was a summons to hear Grassini? +True, most logical reader; what you say is unanswerable. And yet so it +was and is, that whereas different men throw their feelings into +different channels, and most are apt to show their interest in the +concerns of the poor chiefly by sympathy, expressed in some shape or +other, with their distresses and sorrows, I at that time was disposed to +express my interest by sympathising with their pleasures. The pains of +poverty I had lately seen too much of, more than I wished to remember; +but the pleasures of the poor, their consolations of spirit, and their +reposes from bodily toil, can never become oppressive to contemplate. Now +Saturday night is the season for the chief, regular, and periodic return +of rest of the poor; in this point the most hostile sects unite, and +acknowledge a common link of brotherhood; almost all Christendom rests +from its labours. It is a rest introductory to another rest, and divided +by a whole day and two nights from the renewal of toil. On this account +I feel always, on a Saturday night, as though I also were released from +some yoke of labour, had some wages to receive, and some luxury of repose +to enjoy. For the sake, therefore, of witnessing, upon as large a scale +as possible, a spectacle with which my sympathy was so entire, I used +often on Saturday nights, after I had taken opium, to wander forth, +without much regarding the direction or the distance, to all the markets +and other parts of London to which the poor resort of a Saturday night, +for laying out their wages. Many a family party, consisting of a man, +his wife, and sometimes one or two of his children, have I listened to, +as they stood consulting on their ways and means, or the strength of +their exchequer, or the price of household articles. Gradually I became +familiar with their wishes, their difficulties, and their opinions. +Sometimes there might be heard murmurs of discontent, but far oftener +expressions on the countenance, or uttered in words, of patience, hope, +and tranquillity. And taken generally, I must say that, in this point at +least, the poor are more philosophic than the rich--that they show a more +ready and cheerful submission to what they consider as irremediable evils +or irreparable losses. Whenever I saw occasion, or could do it without +appearing to be intrusive, I joined their parties, and gave my opinion +upon the matter in discussion, which, if not always judicious, was always +received indulgently. If wages were a little higher or expected to be +so, or the quartern loaf a little lower, or it was reported that onions +and butter were expected to fall, I was glad; yet, if the contrary were +true, I drew from opium some means of consoling myself. For opium (like +the bee, that extracts its materials indiscriminately from roses and from +the soot of chimneys) can overrule all feelings into compliance with the +master-key. Some of these rambles led me to great distances, for an +opium-eater is too happy to observe the motion of time; and sometimes in +my attempts to steer homewards, upon nautical principles, by fixing my +eye on the pole-star, and seeking ambitiously for a north-west passage, +instead of circumnavigating all the capes and head-lands I had doubled in +my outward voyage, I came suddenly upon such knotty problems of alleys, +such enigmatical entries, and such sphynx's riddles of streets without +thoroughfares, as must, I conceive, baffle the audacity of porters and +confound the intellects of hackney-coachmen. I could almost have +believed at times that I must be the first discoverer of some of these +_terrae incognitae_, and doubted whether they had yet been laid down in +the modern charts of London. For all this, however, I paid a heavy price +in distant years, when the human face tyrannised over my dreams, and the +perplexities of my steps in London came back and haunted my sleep, with +the feeling of perplexities, moral and intellectual, that brought +confusion to the reason, or anguish and remorse to the conscience. + +Thus I have shown that opium does not of necessity produce inactivity or +torpor, but that, on the contrary, it often led me into markets and +theatres. Yet, in candour, I will admit that markets and theatres are +not the appropriate haunts of the opium-eater when in the divinest state +incident to his enjoyment. In that state, crowds become an oppression to +him; music even, too sensual and gross. He naturally seeks solitude and +silence, as indispensable conditions of those trances, or profoundest +reveries, which are the crown and consummation of what opium can do for +human nature. I, whose disease it was to meditate too much and to +observe too little, and who upon my first entrance at college was nearly +falling into a deep melancholy, from brooding too much on the sufferings +which I had witnessed in London, was sufficiently aware of the tendencies +of my own thoughts to do all I could to counteract them. I was, indeed, +like a person who, according to the old legend, had entered the cave of +Trophonius; and the remedies I sought were to force myself into society, +and to keep my understanding in continual activity upon matters of +science. But for these remedies I should certainly have become +hypochondriacally melancholy. In after years, however, when my +cheerfulness was more fully re-established, I yielded to my natural +inclination for a solitary life. And at that time I often fell into +these reveries upon taking opium; and more than once it has happened to +me, on a summer night, when I have been at an open window, in a room from +which I could overlook the sea at a mile below me, and could command a +view of the great town of L---, at about the same distance, that I have +sate from sunset to sunrise, motionless, and without wishing to move. + +I shall be charged with mysticism, Behmenism, quietism, &c., but _that_ +shall not alarm me. Sir H. Vane, the younger, was one of our wisest men; +and let my reader see if he, in his philosophical works, be half as +unmystical as I am. I say, then, that it has often struck me that the +scene itself was somewhat typical of what took place in such a reverie. +The town of L--- represented the earth, with its sorrows and its graves +left behind, yet not out of sight, nor wholly forgotten. The ocean, in +everlasting but gentle agitation, and brooded over by a dove-like calm, +might not unfitly typify the mind and the mood which then swayed it. For +it seemed to me as if then first I stood at a distance and aloof from the +uproar of life; as if the tumult, the fever, and the strife were +suspended; a respite granted from the secret burthens of the heart; a +sabbath of repose; a resting from human labours. Here were the hopes +which blossom in the paths of life reconciled with the peace which is in +the grave; motions of the intellect as unwearied as the heavens, yet for +all anxieties a halcyon calm; a tranquillity that seemed no product of +inertia, but as if resulting from mighty and equal antagonisms; infinite +activities, infinite repose. + +Oh, just, subtle, and mighty opium! that to the hearts of poor and rich +alike, for the wounds that will never heal, and for "the pangs that tempt +the spirit to rebel," bringest an assuaging balm; eloquent opium! that +with thy potent rhetoric stealest away the purposes of wrath; and to the +guilty man for one night givest back the hopes of his youth, and hands +washed pure from blood; and to the proud man a brief oblivion for + + Wrongs undress'd and insults unavenged; + +that summonest to the chancery of dreams, for the triumphs of suffering +innocence, false witnesses; and confoundest perjury, and dost reverse the +sentences of unrighteous judges;--thou buildest upon the bosom of +darkness, out of the fantastic imagery of the brain, cities and temples +beyond the art of Phidias and Praxiteles--beyond the splendour of Babylon +and Hekatompylos, and "from the anarchy of dreaming sleep" callest into +sunny light the faces of long-buried beauties and the blessed household +countenances cleansed from the "dishonours of the grave." Thou only +givest these gifts to man; and thou hast the keys of Paradise, oh, just, +subtle, and mighty opium! + + + +INTRODUCTION TO THE PAINS OF OPIUM + + +Courteous, and I hope indulgent, reader (for all _my_ readers must be +indulgent ones, or else I fear I shall shock them too much to count on +their courtesy), having accompanied me thus far, now let me request you +to move onwards for about eight years; that is to say, from 1804 (when I +have said that my acquaintance with opium first began) to 1812. The +years of academic life are now over and gone--almost forgotten; the +student's cap no longer presses my temples; if my cap exist at all, it +presses those of some youthful scholar, I trust, as happy as myself, and +as passionate a lover of knowledge. My gown is by this time, I dare say, +in the same condition with many thousand excellent books in the Bodleian, +viz., diligently perused by certain studious moths and worms; or +departed, however (which is all that I know of his fate), to that great +reservoir of _somewhere_ to which all the tea-cups, tea-caddies, +tea-pots, tea-kettles, &c., have departed (not to speak of still frailer +vessels, such as glasses, decanters, bed-makers, &c.), which occasional +resemblances in the present generation of tea-cups, &c., remind me of +having once possessed, but of whose departure and final fate I, in common +with most gownsmen of either university, could give, I suspect, but an +obscure and conjectural history. The persecutions of the chapel-bell, +sounding its unwelcome summons to six o'clock matins, interrupts my +slumbers no longer, the porter who rang it, upon whose beautiful nose +(bronze, inlaid with copper) I wrote, in retaliation so many Greek +epigrams whilst I was dressing, is dead, and has ceased to disturb +anybody; and I, and many others who suffered much from his tintinnabulous +propensities, have now agreed to overlook his errors, and have forgiven +him. Even with the bell I am now in charity; it rings, I suppose, as +formerly, thrice a-day, and cruelly annoys, I doubt not, many worthy +gentlemen, and disturbs their peace of mind; but as to me, in this year +1812, I regard its treacherous voice no longer (treacherous I call it, +for, by some refinement of malice, it spoke in as sweet and silvery tones +as if it had been inviting one to a party); its tones have no longer, +indeed, power to reach me, let the wind sit as favourable as the malice +of the bell itself could wish, for I am 250 miles away from it, and +buried in the depth of mountains. And what am I doing among the +mountains? Taking opium. Yes; but what else? Why reader, in 1812, the +year we are now arrived at, as well as for some years previous, I have +been chiefly studying German metaphysics in the writings of Kant, Fichte, +Schelling, &c. And how and in what manner do I live?--in short, what +class or description of men do I belong to? I am at this period--viz. in +1812--living in a cottage and with a single female servant (_honi soit +qui mal y pense_), who amongst my neighbours passes by the name of my +"housekeeper." And as a scholar and a man of learned education, and in +that sense a gentleman, I may presume to class myself as an unworthy +member of that indefinite body called _gentlemen_. Partly on the ground +I have assigned perhaps, partly because from my having no visible calling +or business, it is rightly judged that I must be living on my private +fortune; I am so classed by my neighbours; and by the courtesy of modern +England I am usually addressed on letters, &c., "Esquire," though having, +I fear, in the rigorous construction of heralds, but slender pretensions +to that distinguished honour; yet in popular estimation I am X. Y. Z., +Esquire, but not justice of the Peace nor Custos Rotulorum. Am I +married? Not yet. And I still take opium? On Saturday nights. And +perhaps have taken it unblushingly ever since "the rainy Sunday," and +"the stately Pantheon," and "the beatific druggist" of 1804? Even so. +And how do I find my health after all this opium-eating? In short, how +do I do? Why, pretty well, I thank you, reader; in the phrase of ladies +in the straw, "as well as can be expected." In fact, if I dared to say +the real and simple truth, though, to satisfy the theories of medical +men, I _ought_ to be ill, I never was better in my life than in the +spring of 1812; and I hope sincerely that the quantity of claret, port, +or "particular Madeira," which in all probability you, good reader, have +taken, and design to take for every term of eight years during your +natural life, may as little disorder your health as mine was disordered +by the opium I had taken for eight years, between 1804 and 1812. Hence +you may see again the danger of taking any medical advice from +_Anastasius_; in divinity, for aught I know, or law, he may be a safe +counsellor; but not in medicine. No; it is far better to consult Dr. +Buchan, as I did; for I never forgot that worthy man's excellent +suggestion, and I was "particularly careful not to take above five-and- +twenty ounces of laudanum." To this moderation and temperate use of the +article I may ascribe it, I suppose, that as yet, at least (_i.e_. in +1812), I am ignorant and unsuspicious of the avenging terrors which opium +has in store for those who abuse its lenity. At the same time, it must +not be forgotten that hitherto I have been only a dilettante eater of +opium; eight years' practice even, with a single precaution of allowing +sufficient intervals between every indulgence, has not been sufficient to +make opium necessary to me as an article of daily diet. But now comes a +different era. Move on, if you please, reader, to 1813. In the summer +of the year we have just quitted I have suffered much in bodily health +from distress of mind connected with a very melancholy event. This event +being no ways related to the subject now before me, further than through +the bodily illness which it produced, I need not more particularly +notice. Whether this illness of 1812 had any share in that of 1813 I +know not; but so it was, that in the latter year I was attacked by a most +appalling irritation of the stomach, in all respects the same as that +which had caused me so much suffering in youth, and accompanied by a +revival of all the old dreams. This is the point of my narrative on +which, as respects my own self-justification, the whole of what follows +may be said to hinge. And here I find myself in a perplexing dilemma. +Either, on the one hand, I must exhaust the reader's patience by such a +detail of my malady, or of my struggles with it, as might suffice to +establish the fact of my inability to wrestle any longer with irritation +and constant suffering; or, on the other hand, by passing lightly over +this critical part of my story, I must forego the benefit of a stronger +impression left on the mind of the reader, and must lay myself open to +the misconstruction of having slipped, by the easy and gradual steps of +self-indulging persons, from the first to the final stage of opium-eating +(a misconstruction to which there will be a lurking predisposition in +most readers, from my previous acknowledgements). This is the dilemma, +the first horn of which would be sufficient to toss and gore any column +of patient readers, though drawn up sixteen deep and constantly relieved +by fresh men; consequently that is not to be thought of. It remains, +then, that I _postulale_ so much as is necessary for my purpose. And let +me take as full credit for what I postulate as if I had demonstrated it, +good reader, at the expense of your patience and my own. Be not so +ungenerous as to let me suffer in your good opinion through my own +forbearance and regard for your comfort. No; believe all that I ask of +you--viz., that I could resist no longer; believe it liberally and as an +act of grace, or else in mere prudence; for if not, then in the next +edition of my Opium Confessions, revised and enlarged, I will make you +believe and tremble; and _a force d'ennuyer_, by mere dint of +pandiculation I will terrify all readers of mine from ever again +questioning any postulate that I shall think fit to make. + +This, then, let me repeat, I postulate--that at the time I began to take +opium daily I could not have done otherwise. Whether, indeed, afterwards +I might not have succeeded in breaking off the habit, even when it seemed +to me that all efforts would be unavailing, and whether many of the +innumerable efforts which I did make might not have been carried much +further, and my gradual reconquests of ground lost might not have been +followed up much more energetically--these are questions which I must +decline. Perhaps I might make out a case of palliation; but shall I +speak ingenuously? I confess it, as a besetting infirmity of mine, that +I am too much of an Eudaemonist; I hanker too much after a state of +happiness, both for myself and others; I cannot face misery, whether my +own or not, with an eye of sufficient firmness, and am little capable of +encountering present pain for the sake of any reversionary benefit. On +some other matters I can agree with the gentlemen in the cotton trade +{15} at Manchester in affecting the Stoic philosophy, but not in this. +Here I take the liberty of an Eclectic philosopher, and I look out for +some courteous and considerate sect that will condescend more to the +infirm condition of an opium-eater; that are "sweet men," as Chaucer +says, "to give absolution," and will show some conscience in the penances +they inflict, and the efforts of abstinence they exact from poor sinners +like myself. An inhuman moralist I can no more endure in my nervous +state than opium that has not been boiled. At any rate, he who summons +me to send out a large freight of self-denial and mortification upon any +cruising voyage of moral improvement, must make it clear to my +understanding that the concern is a hopeful one. At my time of life (six- +and-thirty years of age) it cannot be supposed that I have much energy to +spare; in fact, I find it all little enough for the intellectual labours +I have on my hands, and therefore let no man expect to frighten me by a +few hard words into embarking any part of it upon desperate adventures of +morality. + +Whether desperate or not, however, the issue of the struggle in 1813 was +what I have mentioned, and from this date the reader is to consider me as +a regular and confirmed opium-eater, of whom to ask whether on any +particular day he had or had not taken opium, would be to ask whether his +lungs had performed respiration, or the heart fulfilled its functions. +You understand now, reader, what I am, and you are by this time aware +that no old gentleman "with a snow-white beard" will have any chance of +persuading me to surrender "the little golden receptacle of the +pernicious drug." No; I give notice to all, whether moralists or +surgeons, that whatever be their pretensions and skill in their +respective lines of practice, they must not hope for any countenance from +me, if they think to begin by any savage proposition for a Lent or a +Ramadan of abstinence from opium. This, then, being all fully understood +between us, we shall in future sail before the wind. Now then, reader, +from 1813, where all this time we have been sitting down and loitering, +rise up, if you please, and walk forward about three years more. Now +draw up the curtain, and you shall see me in a new character. + +If any man, poor or rich, were to say that he would tell us what had been +the happiest day in his life, and the why and the wherefore, I suppose +that we should all cry out--Hear him! Hear him! As to the happiest +_day_, that must be very difficult for any wise man to name, because any +event that could occupy so distinguished a place in a man's retrospect of +his life, or be entitled to have shed a special felicity on any one day, +ought to be of such an enduring character as that (accidents apart) it +should have continued to shed the same felicity, or one not +distinguishably less, on many years together. To the happiest _lustrum_, +however, or even to the happiest _year_, it may be allowed to any man to +point without discountenance from wisdom. This year, in my case, reader, +was the one which we have now reached; though it stood, I confess, as a +parenthesis between years of a gloomier character. It was a year of +brilliant water (to speak after the manner of jewellers), set as it were, +and insulated, in the gloom and cloudy melancholy of opium. Strange as +it may sound, I had a little before this time descended suddenly, and +without any considerable effort, from 320 grains of opium (_i.e_. eight +{16} thousand drops of laudanum) per day, to forty grains, or one-eighth +part. Instantaneously, and as if by magic, the cloud of profoundest +melancholy which rested upon my brain, like some black vapours that I +have seen roll away from the summits of mountains, drew off in one day +([Greek text]); passed off with its murky banners as simultaneously as a +ship that has been stranded, and is floated off by a spring tide-- + + That moveth altogether, if it move at all. + +Now, then, I was again happy; I now took only 1000 drops of laudanum per +day; and what was that? A latter spring had come to close up the season +of youth; my brain performed its functions as healthily as ever before; I +read Kant again, and again I understood him, or fancied that I did. Again +my feelings of pleasure expanded themselves to all around me; and if any +man from Oxford or Cambridge, or from neither, had been announced to me +in my unpretending cottage, I should have welcomed him with as sumptuous +a reception as so poor a man could offer. Whatever else was wanting to a +wise man's happiness, of laudanum I would have given him as much as he +wished, and in a golden cup. And, by the way, now that I speak of giving +laudanum away, I remember about this time a little incident, which I +mention because, trifling as it was, the reader will soon meet it again +in my dreams, which it influenced more fearfully than could be imagined. +One day a Malay knocked at my door. What business a Malay could have to +transact amongst English mountains I cannot conjecture; but possibly he +was on his road to a seaport about forty miles distant. + +The servant who opened the door to him was a young girl, born and bred +amongst the mountains, who had never seen an Asiatic dress of any sort; +his turban therefore confounded her not a little; and as it turned out +that his attainments in English were exactly of the same extent as hers +in the Malay, there seemed to be an impassable gulf fixed between all +communication of ideas, if either party had happened to possess any. In +this dilemma, the girl, recollecting the reputed learning of her master +(and doubtless giving me credit for a knowledge of all the languages of +the earth besides perhaps a few of the lunar ones), came and gave me to +understand that there was a sort of demon below, whom she clearly +imagined that my art could exorcise from the house. I did not +immediately go down, but when I did, the group which presented itself, +arranged as it was by accident, though not very elaborate, took hold of +my fancy and my eye in a way that none of the statuesque attitudes +exhibited in the ballets at the Opera-house, though so ostentatiously +complex, had ever done. In a cottage kitchen, but panelled on the wall +with dark wood that from age and rubbing resembled oak, and looking more +like a rustic hall of entrance than a kitchen, stood the Malay--his +turban and loose trousers of dingy white relieved upon the dark +panelling. He had placed himself nearer to the girl than she seemed to +relish, though her native spirit of mountain intrepidity contended with +the feeling of simple awe which her countenance expressed as she gazed +upon the tiger-cat before her. And a more striking picture there could +not be imagined than the beautiful English face of the girl, and its +exquisite fairness, together with her erect and independent attitude, +contrasted with the sallow and bilious skin of the Malay, enamelled or +veneered with mahogany by marine air, his small, fierce, restless eyes, +thin lips, slavish gestures and adorations. Half-hidden by the ferocious- +looking Malay was a little child from a neighbouring cottage who had +crept in after him, and was now in the act of reverting its head and +gazing upwards at the turban and the fiery eyes beneath it, whilst with +one hand he caught at the dress of the young woman for protection. My +knowledge of the Oriental tongues is not remarkably extensive, being +indeed confined to two words--the Arabic word for barley and the Turkish +for opium (madjoon), which I have learned from _Anastasius_; and as I had +neither a Malay dictionary nor even Adelung's _Mithridates_, which might +have helped me to a few words, I addressed him in some lines from the +Iliad, considering that, of such languages as I possessed, Greek, in +point of longitude, came geographically nearest to an Oriental one. He +worshipped me in a most devout manner, and replied in what I suppose was +Malay. In this way I saved my reputation with my neighbours, for the +Malay had no means of betraying the secret. He lay down upon the floor +for about an hour, and then pursued his journey. On his departure I +presented him with a piece of opium. To him, as an Orientalist, I +concluded that opium must be familiar; and the expression of his face +convinced me that it was. Nevertheless, I was struck with some little +consternation when I saw him suddenly raise his hand to his mouth, and, +to use the schoolboy phrase, bolt the whole, divided into three pieces, +at one mouthful. The quantity was enough to kill three dragoons and +their horses, and I felt some alarm for the poor creature; but what could +be done? I had given him the opium in compassion for his solitary life, +on recollecting that if he had travelled on foot from London it must be +nearly three weeks since he could have exchanged a thought with any human +being. I could not think of violating the laws of hospitality by having +him seized and drenched with an emetic, and thus frightening him into a +notion that we were going to sacrifice him to some English idol. No: +there was clearly no help for it. He took his leave, and for some days I +felt anxious, but as I never heard of any Malay being found dead, I +became convinced that he was used {17} to opium; and that I must have +done him the service I designed by giving him one night of respite from +the pains of wandering. + +This incident I have digressed to mention, because this Malay (partly +from the picturesque exhibition he assisted to frame, partly from the +anxiety I connected with his image for some days) fastened afterwards +upon my dreams, and brought other Malays with him, worse than himself, +that ran "a-muck" {18} at me, and led me into a world of troubles. But +to quit this episode, and to return to my intercalary year of happiness. +I have said already, that on a subject so important to us all as +happiness, we should listen with pleasure to any man's experience or +experiments, even though he were but a plough-boy, who cannot be supposed +to have ploughed very deep into such an intractable soil as that of human +pains and pleasures, or to have conducted his researches upon any very +enlightened principles. But I who have taken happiness both in a solid +and liquid shape, both boiled and unboiled, both East India and +Turkey--who have conducted my experiments upon this interesting subject +with a sort of galvanic battery, and have, for the general benefit of the +world, inoculated myself, as it were, with the poison of 8000 drops of +laudanum per day (just for the same reason as a French surgeon inoculated +himself lately with cancer, an English one twenty years ago with plague, +and a third, I know not of what nation, with hydrophobia), I (it will be +admitted) must surely know what happiness is, if anybody does. And +therefore I will here lay down an analysis of happiness; and as the most +interesting mode of communicating it, I will give it, not didactically, +but wrapped up and involved in a picture of one evening, as I spent every +evening during the intercalary year when laudanum, though taken daily, +was to me no more than the elixir of pleasure. This done, I shall quit +the subject of happiness altogether, and pass to a very different +one--_the pains of opium_. + +Let there be a cottage standing in a valley, eighteen miles from any +town--no spacious valley, but about two miles long by three-quarters of a +mile in average width; the benefit of which provision is that all the +family resident within its circuit will compose, as it were, one larger +household, personally familiar to your eye, and more or less interesting +to your affections. Let the mountains be real mountains, between 3,000 +and 4,000 feet high, and the cottage a real cottage, not (as a witty +author has it) "a cottage with a double coach-house;" let it be, in fact +(for I must abide by the actual scene), a white cottage, embowered with +flowering shrubs, so chosen as to unfold a succession of flowers upon the +walls and clustering round the windows through all the months of spring, +summer, and autumn--beginning, in fact, with May roses, and ending with +jasmine. Let it, however, _not_ be spring, nor summer, nor autumn, but +winter in his sternest shape. This is a most important point in the +science of happiness. And I am surprised to see people overlook it, and +think it matter of congratulation that winter is going, or, if coming, is +not likely to be a severe one. On the contrary, I put up a petition +annually for as much snow, hail, frost, or storm, of one kind or other, +as the skies can possibly afford us. Surely everybody is aware of the +divine pleasures which attend a winter fireside, candles at four o'clock, +warm hearth-rugs, tea, a fair tea-maker, shutters closed, curtains +flowing in ample draperies on the floor, whilst the wind and rain are +raging audibly without, + + And at the doors and windows seem to call, + As heav'n and earth they would together mell; + Yet the least entrance find they none at all; + Whence sweeter grows our rest secure in massy hall. + + _Castle of Indolence_. + +All these are items in the description of a winter evening which must +surely be familiar to everybody born in a high latitude. And it is +evident that most of these delicacies, like ice-cream, require a very low +temperature of the atmosphere to produce them; they are fruits which +cannot be ripened without weather stormy or inclement in some way or +other. I am not "_particular_," as people say, whether it be snow, or +black frost, or wind so strong that (as Mr. --- says) "you may lean your +back against it like a post." I can put up even with rain, provided it +rains cats and dogs; but something of the sort I must have, and if I have +it not, I think myself in a manner ill-used; for why am I called on to +pay so heavily for winter, in coals and candles, and various privations +that will occur even to gentlemen, if I am not to have the article good +of its kind? No, a Canadian winter for my money, or a Russian one, where +every man is but a co-proprietor with the north wind in the fee-simple of +his own ears. Indeed, so great an epicure am I in this matter that I +cannot relish a winter night fully if it be much past St. Thomas's day, +and have degenerated into disgusting tendencies to vernal appearances. +No, it must be divided by a thick wall of dark nights from all return of +light and sunshine. From the latter weeks of October to Christmas Eve, +therefore, is the period during which happiness is in season, which, in +my judgment, enters the room with the tea-tray; for tea, though ridiculed +by those who are naturally of coarse nerves, or are become so from wine- +drinking, and are not susceptible of influence from so refined a +stimulant, will always be the favourite beverage of the intellectual; +and, for my part, I would have joined Dr. Johnson in a _bellum +internecinum_ against Jonas Hanway, or any other impious person, who +should presume to disparage it. But here, to save myself the trouble of +too much verbal description, I will introduce a painter, and give him +directions for the rest of the picture. Painters do not like white +cottages, unless a good deal weather-stained; but as the reader now +understands that it is a winter night, his services will not be required +except for the inside of the house. + +Paint me, then, a room seventeen feet by twelve, and not more than seven +and a half feet high. This, reader, is somewhat ambitiously styled in my +family the drawing-room; but being contrived "a double debt to pay," it +is also, and more justly, termed the library, for it happens that books +are the only article of property in which I am richer than my neighbours. +Of these I have about five thousand, collected gradually since my +eighteenth year. Therefore, painter, put as many as you can into this +room. Make it populous with books, and, furthermore, paint me a good +fire, and furniture plain and modest, befitting the unpretending cottage +of a scholar. And near the fire paint me a tea-table, and (as it is +clear that no creature can come to see one such a stormy night) place +only two cups and saucers on the tea-tray; and, if you know how to paint +such a thing symbolically or otherwise, paint me an eternal +tea-pot--eternal _a parte ante_ and _a parte post_--for I usually drink +tea from eight o'clock at night to four o'clock in the morning. And as +it is very unpleasant to make tea or to pour it out for oneself, paint me +a lovely young woman sitting at the table. Paint her arms like Aurora's +and her smiles like Hebe's. But no, dear M., not even in jest let me +insinuate that thy power to illuminate my cottage rests upon a tenure so +perishable as mere personal beauty, or that the witchcraft of angelic +smiles lies within the empire of any earthly pencil. Pass then, my good +painter, to something more within its power; and the next article brought +forward should naturally be myself--a picture of the Opium-eater, with +his "little golden receptacle of the pernicious drug" lying beside him on +the table. As to the opium, I have no objection to see a picture of +_that_, though I would rather see the original. You may paint it if you +choose, but I apprise you that no "little" receptacle would, even in +1816, answer _my_ purpose, who was at a distance from the "stately +Pantheon," and all druggists (mortal or otherwise). No, you may as well +paint the real receptacle, which was not of gold, but of glass, and as +much like a wine-decanter as possible. Into this you may put a quart of +ruby-coloured laudanum; that, and a book of German Metaphysics placed by +its side, will sufficiently attest my being in the neighbourhood. But as +to myself--there I demur. I admit that, naturally, I ought to occupy the +foreground of the picture; that being the hero of the piece, or (if you +choose) the criminal at the bar, my body should be had into court. This +seems reasonable; but why should I confess on this point to a painter? or +why confess at all? If the public (into whose private ear I am +confidentially whispering my confessions, and not into any painter's) +should chance to have framed some agreeable picture for itself of the +Opium-eater's exterior, should have ascribed to him, romantically an +elegant person or a handsome face, why should I barbarously tear from it +so pleasing a delusion--pleasing both to the public and to me? No; paint +me, if at all, according to your own fancy, and as a painter's fancy +should teem with beautiful creations, I cannot fail in that way to be a +gainer. And now, reader, we have run through all the ten categories of +my condition as it stood about 1816-17, up to the middle of which latter +year I judge myself to have been a happy man, and the elements of that +happiness I have endeavoured to place before you in the above sketch of +the interior of a scholar's library, in a cottage among the mountains, on +a stormy winter evening. + +But now, farewell--a long farewell--to happiness, winter or summer! +Farewell to smiles and laughter! Farewell to peace of mind! Farewell to +hope and to tranquil dreams, and to the blessed consolations of sleep. +For more than three years and a half I am summoned away from these. I am +now arrived at an Iliad of woes, for I have now to record + + + +THE PAINS OF OPIUM + + + As when some great painter dips + His pencil in the gloom of earthquake and eclipse. + + SHELLEY'S _Revolt of Islam_. + +Reader, who have thus far accompanied me, I must request your attention +to a brief explanatory note on three points: + +1. For several reasons I have not been able to compose the notes for +this part of my narrative into any regular and connected shape. I give +the notes disjointed as I find them, or have now drawn them up from +memory. Some of them point to their own date, some I have dated, and +some are undated. Whenever it could answer my purpose to transplant them +from the natural or chronological order, I have not scrupled to do so. +Sometimes I speak in the present, sometimes in the past tense. Few of +the notes, perhaps, were written exactly at the period of time to which +they relate; but this can little affect their accuracy, as the +impressions were such that they can never fade from my mind. Much has +been omitted. I could not, without effort, constrain myself to the task +of either recalling, or constructing into a regular narrative, the whole +burthen of horrors which lies upon my brain. This feeling partly I plead +in excuse, and partly that I am now in London, and am a helpless sort of +person, who cannot even arrange his own papers without assistance; and I +am separated from the hands which are wont to perform for me the offices +of an amanuensis. + +2. You will think perhaps that I am too confidential and communicative +of my own private history. It may be so. But my way of writing is +rather to think aloud, and follow my own humours, than much to consider +who is listening to me; and if I stop to consider what is proper to be +said to this or that person, I shall soon come to doubt whether any part +at all is proper. The fact is, I place myself at a distance of fifteen +or twenty years ahead of this time, and suppose myself writing to those +who will be interested about me hereafter; and wishing to have some +record of time, the entire history of which no one can know but myself, I +do it as fully as I am able with the efforts I am now capable of making, +because I know not whether I can ever find time to do it again. + +3. It will occur to you often to ask, why did I not release myself from +the horrors of opium by leaving it off or diminishing it? To this I must +answer briefly: it might be supposed that I yielded to the fascinations +of opium too easily; it cannot be supposed that any man can be charmed by +its terrors. The reader may be sure, therefore, that I made attempts +innumerable to reduce the quantity. I add, that those who witnessed the +agonies of those attempts, and not myself, were the first to beg me to +desist. But could not have I reduced it a drop a day, or, by adding +water, have bisected or trisected a drop? A thousand drops bisected +would thus have taken nearly six years to reduce, and that way would +certainly not have answered. But this is a common mistake of those who +know nothing of opium experimentally; I appeal to those who do, whether +it is not always found that down to a certain point it can be reduced +with ease and even pleasure, but that after that point further reduction +causes intense suffering. Yes, say many thoughtless persons, who know +not what they are talking of, you will suffer a little low spirits and +dejection for a few days. I answer, no; there is nothing like low +spirits; on the contrary, the mere animal spirits are uncommonly raised: +the pulse is improved: the health is better. It is not there that the +suffering lies. It has no resemblance to the sufferings caused by +renouncing wine. It is a state of unutterable irritation of stomach +(which surely is not much like dejection), accompanied by intense +perspirations, and feelings such as I shall not attempt to describe +without more space at my command. + +I shall now enter _in medias res_, and shall anticipate, from a time when +my opium pains might be said to be at their _acme_, an account of their +palsying effects on the intellectual faculties. + +* * * * * + +My studies have now been long interrupted. I cannot read to myself with +any pleasure, hardly with a moment's endurance. Yet I read aloud +sometimes for the pleasure of others, because reading is an +accomplishment of mine, and, in the slang use of the word +"accomplishment" as a superficial and ornamental attainment, almost the +only one I possess; and formerly, if I had any vanity at all connected +with any endowment or attainment of mine, it was with this, for I had +observed that no accomplishment was so rare. Players are the worst +readers of all:--reads vilely; and Mrs. ---, who is so celebrated, can +read nothing well but dramatic compositions: Milton she cannot read +sufferably. People in general either read poetry without any passion at +all, or else overstep the modesty of nature, and read not like scholars. +Of late, if I have felt moved by anything it has been by the grand +lamentations of Samson Agonistes, or the great harmonies of the Satanic +speeches in Paradise Regained, when read aloud by myself. A young lady +sometimes comes and drinks tea with us: at her request and M.'s, I now +and then read W-'s poems to them. (W., by-the-bye is the only poet I +ever met who could read his own verses: often indeed he reads admirably.) + +For nearly two years I believe that I read no book, but one; and I owe it +to the author, in discharge of a great debt of gratitude, to mention what +that was. The sublimer and more passionate poets I still read, as I have +said, by snatches, and occasionally. But my proper vocation, as I well +know, was the exercise of the analytic understanding. Now, for the most +part analytic studies are continuous, and not to be pursued by fits and +starts, or fragmentary efforts. Mathematics, for instance, intellectual +philosophy, &c, were all become insupportable to me; I shrunk from them +with a sense of powerless and infantine feebleness that gave me an +anguish the greater from remembering the time when I grappled with them +to my own hourly delight; and for this further reason, because I had +devoted the labour of my whole life, and had dedicated my intellect, +blossoms and fruits, to the slow and elaborate toil of constructing one +single work, to which I had presumed to give the title of an unfinished +work of Spinosa's--viz., _De Emendatione Humani Intellectus_. This was +now lying locked up, as by frost, like any Spanish bridge or aqueduct, +begun upon too great a scale for the resources of the architect; and +instead of reviving me as a monument of wishes at least, and aspirations, +and a life of labour dedicated to the exaltation of human nature in that +way in which God had best fitted me to promote so great an object, it was +likely to stand a memorial to my children of hopes defeated, of baffled +efforts, of materials uselessly accumulated, of foundations laid that +were never to support a super-structure--of the grief and the ruin of the +architect. In this state of imbecility I had, for amusement, turned my +attention to political economy; my understanding, which formerly had been +as active and restless as a hyaena, could not, I suppose (so long as I +lived at all) sink into utter lethargy; and political economy offers this +advantage to a person in my state, that though it is eminently an organic +science (no part, that is to say, but what acts on the whole as the whole +again reacts on each part), yet the several parts may be detached and +contemplated singly. Great as was the prostration of my powers at this +time, yet I could not forget my knowledge; and my understanding had been +for too many years intimate with severe thinkers, with logic, and the +great masters of knowledge, not to be aware of the utter feebleness of +the main herd of modern economists. I had been led in 1811 to look into +loads of books and pamphlets on many branches of economy; and, at my +desire, M. sometimes read to me chapters from more recent works, or parts +of parliamentary debates. I saw that these were generally the very dregs +and rinsings of the human intellect; and that any man of sound head, and +practised in wielding logic with a scholastic adroitness, might take up +the whole academy of modern economists, and throttle them between heaven +and earth with his finger and thumb, or bray their fungus-heads to powder +with a lady's fan. At length, in 1819, a friend in Edinburgh sent me +down Mr. Ricardo's book; and recurring to my own prophetic anticipation +of the advent of some legislator for this science, I said, before I had +finished the first chapter, "Thou art the man!" Wonder and curiosity +were emotions that had long been dead in me. Yet I wondered once more: I +wondered at myself that I could once again be stimulated to the effort of +reading, and much more I wondered at the book. Had this profound work +been really written in England during the nineteenth century? Was it +possible? I supposed thinking {19} had been extinct in England. Could +it be that an Englishman, and he not in academic bowers, but oppressed by +mercantile and senatorial cares, had accomplished what all the +universities of Europe and a century of thought had failed even to +advance by one hair's breadth? All other writers had been crushed and +overlaid by the enormous weight of facts and documents. Mr. Ricardo had +deduced _a priori_ from the understanding itself laws which first gave a +ray of light into the unwieldy chaos of materials, and had constructed +what had been but a collection of tentative discussions into a science of +regular proportions, now first standing on an eternal basis. + +Thus did one single work of a profound understanding avail to give me a +pleasure and an activity which I had not known for years. It roused me +even to write, or at least to dictate what M. wrote for me. It seemed to +me that some important truths had escaped even "the inevitable eye" of +Mr. Ricardo; and as these were for the most part of such a nature that I +could express or illustrate them more briefly and elegantly by algebraic +symbols than in the usual clumsy and loitering diction of economists, the +whole would not have filled a pocket-book; and being so brief, with M. +for my amanuensis, even at this time, incapable as I was of all general +exertion, I drew up my _Prolegomena to all future Systems of Political +Economy_. I hope it will not be found redolent of opium; though, indeed, +to most people the subject is a sufficient opiate. + +This exertion, however, was but a temporary flash, as the sequel showed; +for I designed to publish my work. Arrangements were made at a +provincial press, about eighteen miles distant, for printing it. An +additional compositor was retained for some days on this account. The +work was even twice advertised, and I was in a manner pledged to the +fulfilment of my intention. But I had a preface to write, and a +dedication, which I wished to make a splendid one, to Mr. Ricardo. I +found myself quite unable to accomplish all this. The arrangements were +countermanded, the compositor dismissed, and my "Prolegomena" rested +peacefully by the side of its elder and more dignified brother. + +I have thus described and illustrated my intellectual torpor in terms +that apply more or less to every part of the four years during which I +was under the Circean spells of opium. But for misery and suffering, I +might indeed be said to have existed in a dormant state. I seldom could +prevail on myself to write a letter; an answer of a few words to any that +I received was the utmost that I could accomplish, and often _that_ not +until the letter had lain weeks or even months on my writing-table. +Without the aid of M. all records of bills paid or _to be_ paid must have +perished, and my whole domestic economy, whatever became of Political +Economy, must have gone into irretrievable confusion. I shall not +afterwards allude to this part of the case. It is one, however, which +the opium-eater will find, in the end, as oppressive and tormenting as +any other, from the sense of incapacity and feebleness, from the direct +embarrassments incident to the neglect or procrastination of each day's +appropriate duties, and from the remorse which must often exasperate the +stings of these evils to a reflective and conscientious mind. The opium- +eater loses none of his moral sensibilities or aspirations. He wishes +and longs as earnestly as ever to realize what he believes possible, and +feels to be exacted by duty; but his intellectual apprehension of what is +possible infinitely outruns his power, not of execution only, but even of +power to attempt. He lies under the weight of incubus and nightmare; he +lies in sight of all that he would fain perform, just as a man forcibly +confined to his bed by the mortal languor of a relaxing disease, who is +compelled to witness injury or outrage offered to some object of his +tenderest love: he curses the spells which chain him down from motion; he +would lay down his life if he might but get up and walk; but he is +powerless as an infant, and cannot even attempt to rise. + +I now pass to what is the main subject of these latter confessions, to +the history and journal of what took place in my dreams, for these were +the immediate and proximate cause of my acutest suffering. + +The first notice I had of any important change going on in this part of +my physical economy was from the reawakening of a state of eye generally +incident to childhood, or exalted states of irritability. I know not +whether my reader is aware that many children, perhaps most, have a power +of painting, as it were upon the darkness, all sorts of phantoms. In +some that power is simply a mechanical affection of the eye; others have +a voluntary or semi-voluntary power to dismiss or to summon them; or, as +a child once said to me when I questioned him on this matter, "I can tell +them to go, and they go ---, but sometimes they come when I don't tell +them to come." Whereupon I told him that he had almost as unlimited a +command over apparitions as a Roman centurion over his soldiers.--In the +middle of 1817, I think it was, that this faculty became positively +distressing to me: at night, when I lay awake in bed, vast processions +passed along in mournful pomp; friezes of never-ending stories, that to +my feelings were as sad and solemn as if they were stories drawn from +times before OEdipus or Priam, before Tyre, before Memphis. And at the +same time a corresponding change took place in my dreams; a theatre +seemed suddenly opened and lighted up within my brain, which presented +nightly spectacles of more than earthly splendour. And the four +following facts may be mentioned as noticeable at this time: + +1. That as the creative state of the eye increased, a sympathy seemed to +arise between the waking and the dreaming states of the brain in one +point--that whatsoever I happened to call up and to trace by a voluntary +act upon the darkness was very apt to transfer itself to my dreams, so +that I feared to exercise this faculty; for, as Midas turned all things +to gold that yet baffled his hopes and defrauded his human desires, so +whatsoever things capable of being visually represented I did but think +of in the darkness, immediately shaped themselves into phantoms of the +eye; and by a process apparently no less inevitable, when thus once +traced in faint and visionary colours, like writings in sympathetic ink, +they were drawn out by the fierce chemistry of my dreams into +insufferable splendour that fretted my heart. + +2. For this and all other changes in my dreams were accompanied by deep- +seated anxiety and gloomy melancholy, such as are wholly incommunicable +by words. I seemed every night to descend, not metaphorically, but +literally to descend, into chasms and sunless abysses, depths below +depths, from which it seemed hopeless that I could ever reascend. Nor +did I, by waking, feel that I _had_ reascended. This I do not dwell +upon; because the state of gloom which attended these gorgeous +spectacles, amounting at last to utter darkness, as of some suicidal +despondency, cannot be approached by words. + +3. The sense of space, and in the end the sense of time, were both +powerfully affected. Buildings, landscapes, &c., were exhibited in +proportions so vast as the bodily eye is not fitted to receive. Space +swelled, and was amplified to an extent of unutterable infinity. This, +however, did not disturb me so much as the vast expansion of time; I +sometimes seemed to have lived for 70 or 100 years in one night--nay, +sometimes had feelings representative of a millennium passed in that +time, or, however, of a duration far beyond the limits of any human +experience. + +4. The minutest incidents of childhood, or forgotten scenes of later +years, were often revived: I could not be said to recollect them, for if +I had been told of them when waking, I should not have been able to +acknowledge them as parts of my past experience. But placed as they were +before me, in dreams like intuitions, and clothed in all their evanescent +circumstances and accompanying feelings, I _recognised_ them +instantaneously. I was once told by a near relative of mine, that having +in her childhood fallen into a river, and being on the very verge of +death but for the critical assistance which reached her, she saw in a +moment her whole life, in its minutest incidents, arrayed before her +simultaneously as in a mirror; and she had a faculty developed as +suddenly for comprehending the whole and every part. This, from some +opium experiences of mine, I can believe; I have indeed seen the same +thing asserted twice in modern books, and accompanied by a remark which I +am convinced is true; viz., that the dread book of account which the +Scriptures speak of is in fact the mind itself of each individual. Of +this at least I feel assured, that there is no such thing as _forgetting_ +possible to the mind; a thousand accidents may and will interpose a veil +between our present consciousness and the secret inscriptions on the +mind; accidents of the same sort will also rend away this veil; but +alike, whether veiled or unveiled, the inscription remains for ever, just +as the stars seem to withdraw before the common light of day, whereas in +fact we all know that it is the light which is drawn over them as a veil, +and that they are waiting to be revealed when the obscuring daylight +shall have withdrawn. + +Having noticed these four facts as memorably distinguishing my dreams +from those of health, I shall now cite a case illustrative of the first +fact, and shall then cite any others that I remember, either in their +chronological order, or any other that may give them more effect as +pictures to the reader. + +I had been in youth, and even since, for occasional amusement, a great +reader of Livy, whom I confess that I prefer, both for style and matter, +to any other of the Roman historians; and I had often felt as most solemn +and appalling sounds, and most emphatically representative of the majesty +of the Roman people, the two words so often occurring in Livy--_Consul +Romanus_, especially when the consul is introduced in his military +character. I mean to say that the words king, sultan, regent, &c., or +any other titles of those who embody in their own persons the collective +majesty of a great people, had less power over my reverential feelings. I +had also, though no great reader of history, made myself minutely and +critically familiar with one period of English history, viz., the period +of the Parliamentary War, having been attracted by the moral grandeur of +some who figured in that day, and by the many interesting memoirs which +survive those unquiet times. Both these parts of my lighter reading, +having furnished me often with matter of reflection, now furnished me +with matter for my dreams. Often I used to see, after painting upon the +blank darkness a sort of rehearsal whilst waking, a crowd of ladies, and +perhaps a festival and dances. And I heard it said, or I said to myself, +"These are English ladies from the unhappy times of Charles I. These are +the wives and the daughters of those who met in peace, and sate at the +same table, and were allied by marriage or by blood; and yet, after a +certain day in August 1642, never smiled upon each other again, nor met +but in the field of battle; and at Marston Moor, at Newbury, or at +Naseby, cut asunder all ties of love by the cruel sabre, and washed away +in blood the memory of ancient friendship." The ladies danced, and +looked as lovely as the court of George IV. Yet I knew, even in my +dream, that they had been in the grave for nearly two centuries. This +pageant would suddenly dissolve; and at a clapping of hands would be +heard the heart-quaking sound _of Consul Romanus_; and immediately came +"sweeping by," in gorgeous paludaments, Paulus or Marius, girt round by a +company of centurions, with the crimson tunic hoisted on a spear, and +followed by the _alalagmos_ of the Roman legions. + +Many years ago, when I was looking over Piranesi's, Antiquities of Rome, +Mr. Coleridge, who was standing by, described to me a set of plates by +that artist, called his _Dreams_, and which record the scenery of his own +visions during the delirium of a fever. Some of them (I describe only +from memory of Mr. Coleridge's account) represented vast Gothic halls, on +the floor of which stood all sorts of engines and machinery, wheels, +cables, pulleys, levers, catapults, &c. &c., expressive of enormous power +put forth and resistance overcome. Creeping along the sides of the walls +you perceived a staircase; and upon it, groping his way upwards, was +Piranesi himself: follow the stairs a little further and you perceive it +come to a sudden and abrupt termination without any balustrade, and +allowing no step onwards to him who had reached the extremity except into +the depths below. Whatever is to become of poor Piranesi, you suppose at +least that his labours must in some way terminate here. But raise your +eyes, and behold a second flight of stairs still higher, on which again +Piranesi is perceived, but this time standing on the very brink of the +abyss. Again elevate your eye, and a still more aerial flight of stairs +is beheld, and again is poor Piranesi busy on his aspiring labours; and +so on, until the unfinished stairs and Piranesi both are lost in the +upper gloom of the hall. With the same power of endless growth and self- +reproduction did my architecture proceed in dreams. In the early stage +of my malady the splendours of my dreams were indeed chiefly +architectural; and I beheld such pomp of cities and palaces as was never +yet beheld by the waking eye unless in the clouds. From a great modern +poet I cite part of a passage which describes, as an appearance actually +beheld in the clouds, what in many of its circumstances I saw frequently +in sleep: + + The appearance, instantaneously disclosed, + Was of a mighty city--boldly say + A wilderness of building, sinking far + And self-withdrawn into a wondrous depth, + Far sinking into splendour--without end! + Fabric it seem'd of diamond, and of gold, + With alabaster domes, and silver spires, + And blazing terrace upon terrace, high + Uplifted; here, serene pavilions bright + In avenues disposed; there towers begirt + With battlements that on their restless fronts + Bore stars--illumination of all gems! + By earthly nature had the effect been wrought + Upon the dark materials of the storm + Now pacified; on them, and on the coves, + And mountain-steeps and summits, whereunto + The vapours had receded,--taking there + Their station under a cerulean sky. &c. &c. + +The sublime circumstance, "battlements that on their _restless_ fronts +bore stars," might have been copied from my architectural dreams, for it +often occurred. We hear it reported of Dryden and of Fuseli, in modern +times, that they thought proper to eat raw meat for the sake of obtaining +splendid dreams: how much better for such a purpose to have eaten opium, +which yet I do not remember that any poet is recorded to have done, +except the dramatist Shadwell; and in ancient days Homer is I think +rightly reputed to have known the virtues of opium. + +To my architecture succeeded dreams of lakes and silvery expanses of +water: these haunted me so much that I feared (though possibly it will +appear ludicrous to a medical man) that some dropsical state or tendency +of the brain might thus be making itself (to use a metaphysical word) +_objective_; and the sentient organ _project_ itself as its own object. +For two months I suffered greatly in my head, a part of my bodily +structure which had hitherto been so clear from all touch or taint of +weakness (physically I mean) that I used to say of it, as the last Lord +Orford said of his stomach, that it seemed likely to survive the rest of +my person. Till now I had never felt a headache even, or any the +slightest pain, except rheumatic pains caused by my own folly. However, +I got over this attack, though it must have been verging on something +very dangerous. + +The waters now changed their character--from translucent lakes shining +like mirrors they now became seas and oceans. And now came a tremendous +change, which, unfolding itself slowly like a scroll through many months, +promised an abiding torment; and in fact it never left me until the +winding up of my case. Hitherto the human face had mixed often in my +dreams, but not despotically nor with any special power of tormenting. +But now that which I have called the tyranny of the human face began to +unfold itself. Perhaps some part of my London life might be answerable +for this. Be that as it may, now it was that upon the rocking waters of +the ocean the human face began to appear; the sea appeared paved with +innumerable faces upturned to the heavens--faces imploring, wrathful, +despairing, surged upwards by thousands, by myriads, by generations, by +centuries: my agitation was infinite; my mind tossed and surged with the +ocean. + + + +May 1818 + + +The Malay has been a fearful enemy for months. I have been every night, +through his means, transported into Asiatic scenes. I know not whether +others share in my feelings on this point; but I have often thought that +if I were compelled to forego England, and to live in China, and among +Chinese manners and modes of life and scenery, I should go mad. The +causes of my horror lie deep, and some of them must be common to others. +Southern Asia in general is the seat of awful images and associations. As +the cradle of the human race, it would alone have a dim and reverential +feeling connected with it. But there are other reasons. No man can +pretend that the wild, barbarous, and capricious superstitions of Africa, +or of savage tribes elsewhere, affect him in the way that he is affected +by the ancient, monumental, cruel, and elaborate religions of Indostan, +&c. The mere antiquity of Asiatic things, of their institutions, +histories, modes of faith, &c., is so impressive, that to me the vast age +of the race and name overpowers the sense of youth in the individual. A +young Chinese seems to me an antediluvian man renewed. Even Englishmen, +though not bred in any knowledge of such institutions, cannot but shudder +at the mystic sublimity of _castes_ that have flowed apart, and refused +to mix, through such immemorial tracts of time; nor can any man fail to +be awed by the names of the Ganges or the Euphrates. It contributes much +to these feelings that southern Asia is, and has been for thousands of +years, the part of the earth most swarming with human life, the great +_officina gentium_. Man is a weed in those regions. The vast empires +also in which the enormous population of Asia has always been cast, give +a further sublimity to the feelings associated with all Oriental names or +images. In China, over and above what it has in common with the rest of +southern Asia, I am terrified by the modes of life, by the manners, and +the barrier of utter abhorrence and want of sympathy placed between us by +feelings deeper than I can analyse. I could sooner live with lunatics or +brute animals. All this, and much more than I can say or have time to +say, the reader must enter into before he can comprehend the unimaginable +horror which these dreams of Oriental imagery and mythological tortures +impressed upon me. Under the connecting feeling of tropical heat and +vertical sunlights I brought together all creatures, birds, beasts, +reptiles, all trees and plants, usages and appearances, that are found in +all tropical regions, and assembled them together in China or Indostan. +From kindred feelings, I soon brought Egypt and all her gods under the +same law. I was stared at, hooted at, grinned at, chattered at, by +monkeys, by parroquets, by cockatoos. I ran into pagodas, and was fixed +for centuries at the summit or in secret rooms: I was the idol; I was the +priest; I was worshipped; I was sacrificed. I fled from the wrath of +Brama through all the forests of Asia: Vishnu hated me: Seeva laid wait +for me. I came suddenly upon Isis and Osiris: I had done a deed, they +said, which the ibis and the crocodile trembled at. I was buried for a +thousand years in stone coffins, with mummies and sphynxes, in narrow +chambers at the heart of eternal pyramids. I was kissed, with cancerous +kisses, by crocodiles; and laid, confounded with all unutterable slimy +things, amongst reeds and Nilotic mud. + +I thus give the reader some slight abstraction of my Oriental dreams, +which always filled me with such amazement at the monstrous scenery that +horror seemed absorbed for a while in sheer astonishment. Sooner or +later came a reflux of feeling that swallowed up the astonishment, and +left me not so much in terror as in hatred and abomination of what I saw. +Over every form, and threat, and punishment, and dim sightless +incarceration, brooded a sense of eternity and infinity that drove me +into an oppression as of madness. Into these dreams only it was, with +one or two slight exceptions, that any circumstances of physical horror +entered. All before had been moral and spiritual terrors. But here the +main agents were ugly birds, or snakes, or crocodiles; especially the +last. The cursed crocodile became to me the object of more horror than +almost all the rest. I was compelled to live with him, and (as was +always the case almost in my dreams) for centuries. I escaped sometimes, +and found myself in Chinese houses, with cane tables, &c. All the feet +of the tables, sofas, &c., soon became instinct with life: the abominable +head of the crocodile, and his leering eyes, looked out at me, multiplied +into a thousand repetitions; and I stood loathing and fascinated. And so +often did this hideous reptile haunt my dreams that many times the very +same dream was broken up in the very same way: I heard gentle voices +speaking to me (I hear everything when I am sleeping), and instantly I +awoke. It was broad noon, and my children were standing, hand in hand, +at my bedside--come to show me their coloured shoes, or new frocks, or to +let me see them dressed for going out. I protest that so awful was the +transition from the damned crocodile, and the other unutterable monsters +and abortions of my dreams, to the sight of innocent _human_ natures and +of infancy, that in the mighty and sudden revulsion of mind I wept, and +could not forbear it, as I kissed their faces. + + + +June 1819 + + +I have had occasion to remark, at various periods of my life, that the +deaths of those whom we love, and indeed the contemplation of death +generally, is (_caeteris paribus_) more affecting in summer than in any +other season of the year. And the reasons are these three, I think: +first, that the visible heavens in summer appear far higher, more +distant, and (if such a solecism may be excused) more infinite; the +clouds, by which chiefly the eye expounds the distance of the blue +pavilion stretched over our heads, are in summer more voluminous, massed +and accumulated in far grander and more towering piles. Secondly, the +light and the appearances of the declining and the setting sun are much +more fitted to be types and characters of the Infinite. And thirdly +(which is the main reason), the exuberant and riotous prodigality of life +naturally forces the mind more powerfully upon the antagonist thought of +death, and the wintry sterility of the grave. For it may be observed +generally, that wherever two thoughts stand related to each other by a +law of antagonism, and exist, as it were, by mutual repulsion, they are +apt to suggest each other. On these accounts it is that I find it +impossible to banish the thought of death when I am walking alone in the +endless days of summer; and any particular death, if not more affecting, +at least haunts my mind more obstinately and besiegingly in that season. +Perhaps this cause, and a slight incident which I omit, might have been +the immediate occasions of the following dream, to which, however, a +predisposition must always have existed in my mind; but having been once +roused it never left me, and split into a thousand fantastic varieties, +which often suddenly reunited, and composed again the original dream. + +I thought that it was a Sunday morning in May, that it was Easter Sunday, +and as yet very early in the morning. I was standing, as it seemed to +me, at the door of my own cottage. Right before me lay the very scene +which could really be commanded from that situation, but exalted, as was +usual, and solemnised by the power of dreams. There were the same +mountains, and the same lovely valley at their feet; but the mountains +were raised to more than Alpine height, and there was interspace far +larger between them of meadows and forest lawns; the hedges were rich +with white roses; and no living creature was to be seen, excepting that +in the green churchyard there were cattle tranquilly reposing upon the +verdant graves, and particularly round about the grave of a child whom I +had tenderly loved, just as I had really beheld them, a little before +sunrise in the same summer, when that child died. I gazed upon the well- +known scene, and I said aloud (as I thought) to myself, "It yet wants +much of sunrise, and it is Easter Sunday; and that is the day on which +they celebrate the first fruits of resurrection. I will walk abroad; old +griefs shall be forgotten to-day; for the air is cool and still, and the +hills are high and stretch away to heaven; and the forest glades are as +quiet as the churchyard, and with the dew I can wash the fever from my +forehead, and then I shall be unhappy no longer." And I turned as if to +open my garden gate, and immediately I saw upon the left a scene far +different, but which yet the power of dreams had reconciled into harmony +with the other. The scene was an Oriental one, and there also it was +Easter Sunday, and very early in the morning. And at a vast distance +were visible, as a stain upon the horizon, the domes and cupolas of a +great city--an image or faint abstraction, caught perhaps in childhood +from some picture of Jerusalem. And not a bow-shot from me, upon a stone +and shaded by Judean palms, there sat a woman, and I looked, and it +was--Ann! She fixed her eyes upon me earnestly, and I said to her at +length: "So, then, I have found you at last." I waited, but she answered +me not a word. Her face was the same as when I saw it last, and yet +again how different! Seventeen years ago, when the lamplight fell upon +her face, as for the last time I kissed her lips (lips, Ann, that to me +were not polluted), her eyes were streaming with tears: the tears were +now wiped away; she seemed more beautiful than she was at that time, but +in all other points the same, and not older. Her looks were tranquil, +but with unusual solemnity of expression, and I now gazed upon her with +some awe; but suddenly her countenance grew dim, and turning to the +mountains I perceived vapours rolling between us. In a moment all had +vanished, thick darkness came on, and in the twinkling of an eye I was +far away from mountains, and by lamplight in Oxford Street, walking again +with Ann--just as we walked seventeen years before, when we were both +children. + +As a final specimen, I cite one of a different character, from 1820. + +The dream commenced with a music which now I often heard in dreams--a +music of preparation and of awakening suspense, a music like the opening +of the Coronation Anthem, and which, like _that_, gave the feeling of a +vast march, of infinite cavalcades filing off, and the tread of +innumerable armies. The morning was come of a mighty day--a day of +crisis and of final hope for human nature, then suffering some mysterious +eclipse, and labouring in some dread extremity. Somewhere, I knew not +where--somehow, I knew not how--by some beings, I knew not whom--a +battle, a strife, an agony, was conducting, was evolving like a great +drama or piece of music, with which my sympathy was the more +insupportable from my confusion as to its place, its cause, its nature, +and its possible issue. I, as is usual in dreams (where of necessity we +make ourselves central to every movement), had the power, and yet had not +the power, to decide it. I had the power, if I could raise myself to +will it, and yet again had not the power, for the weight of twenty +Atlantics was upon me, or the oppression of inexpiable guilt. "Deeper +than ever plummet sounded," I lay inactive. Then like a chorus the +passion deepened. Some greater interest was at stake, some mightier +cause than ever yet the sword had pleaded, or trumpet had proclaimed. +Then came sudden alarms, hurryings to and fro, trepidations of +innumerable fugitives--I knew not whether from the good cause or the bad, +darkness and lights, tempest and human faces, and at last, with the sense +that all was lost, female forms, and the features that were worth all the +world to me, and but a moment allowed--and clasped hands, and +heart-breaking partings, and then--everlasting farewells! And with a +sigh, such as the caves of Hell sighed when the incestuous mother uttered +the abhorred name of death, the sound was reverberated--everlasting +farewells! And again and yet again reverberated--everlasting farewells! + +And I awoke in struggles, and cried aloud--"I will sleep no more." + +But I am now called upon to wind up a narrative which has already +extended to an unreasonable length. Within more spacious limits the +materials which I have used might have been better unfolded, and much +which I have not used might have been added with effect. Perhaps, +however, enough has been given. It now remains that I should say +something of the way in which this conflict of horrors was finally +brought to a crisis. The reader is already aware (from a passage near +the beginning of the introduction to the first part) that the Opium-eater +has, in some way or other, "unwound almost to its final links the +accursed chain which bound him." By what means? To have narrated this +according to the original intention would have far exceeded the space +which can now be allowed. It is fortunate, as such a cogent reason +exists for abridging it, that I should, on a maturer view of the case, +have been exceedingly unwilling to injure, by any such unaffecting +details, the impression of the history itself, as an appeal to the +prudence and the conscience of the yet unconfirmed opium-eater--or even +(though a very inferior consideration) to injure its effect as a +composition. The interest of the judicious reader will not attach itself +chiefly to the subject of the fascinating spells, but to the fascinating +power. Not the Opium-eater, but the opium, is the true hero of the tale, +and the legitimate centre on which the interest revolves. The object was +to display the marvellous agency of opium, whether for pleasure or for +pain: if that is done, the action of the piece has closed. + +However, as some people, in spite of all laws to the contrary, will +persist in asking what became of the Opium-eater, and in what state he +now is, I answer for him thus: The reader is aware that opium had long +ceased to found its empire on spells of pleasure; it was solely by the +tortures connected with the attempt to abjure it that it kept its hold. +Yet, as other tortures, no less it may be thought, attended the +non-abjuration of such a tyrant, a choice only of evils was left; and +_that_ might as well have been adopted which, however terrific in itself, +held out a prospect of final restoration to happiness. This appears +true; but good logic gave the author no strength to act upon it. However, +a crisis arrived for the author's life, and a crisis for other objects +still dearer to him--and which will always be far dearer to him than his +life, even now that it is again a happy one. I saw that I must die if I +continued the opium. I determined, therefore, if that should be +required, to die in throwing it off. How much I was at that time taking +I cannot say, for the opium which I used had been purchased for me by a +friend, who afterwards refused to let me pay him; so that I could not +ascertain even what quantity I had used within the year. I apprehend, +however, that I took it very irregularly, and that I varied from about +fifty or sixty grains to 150 a day. My first task was to reduce it to +forty, to thirty, and as fast as I could to twelve grains. + +I triumphed. But think not, reader, that therefore my sufferings were +ended, nor think of me as of one sitting in a _dejected_ state. Think of +me as one, even when four months had passed, still agitated, writhing, +throbbing, palpitating, shattered, and much perhaps in the situation of +him who has been racked, as I collect the torments of that state from the +affecting account of them left by a most innocent sufferer {20} of the +times of James I. Meantime, I derived no benefit from any medicine, +except one prescribed to me by an Edinburgh surgeon of great eminence, +viz., ammoniated tincture of valerian. Medical account, therefore, of my +emancipation I have not much to give, and even that little, as managed by +a man so ignorant of medicine as myself, would probably tend only to +mislead. At all events, it would be misplaced in this situation. The +moral of the narrative is addressed to the opium-eater, and therefore of +necessity limited in its application. If he is taught to fear and +tremble, enough has been effected. But he may say that the issue of my +case is at least a proof that opium, after a seventeen years' use and an +eight years' abuse of its powers, may still be renounced, and that _he_ +may chance to bring to the task greater energy than I did, or that with a +stronger constitution than mine he may obtain the same results with less. +This may be true. I would not presume to measure the efforts of other +men by my own. I heartily wish him more energy. I wish him the same +success. Nevertheless, I had motives external to myself which he may +unfortunately want, and these supplied me with conscientious supports +which mere personal interests might fail to supply to a mind debilitated +by opium. + +Jeremy Taylor conjectures that it may be as painful to be born as to die. +I think it probable; and during the whole period of diminishing the opium +I had the torments of a man passing out of one mode of existence into +another. The issue was not death, but a sort of physical regeneration; +and I may add that ever since, at intervals, I have had a restoration of +more than youthful spirits, though under the pressure of difficulties +which in a less happy state of mind I should have called misfortunes. + +One memorial of my former condition still remains--my dreams are not yet +perfectly calm; the dread swell and agitation of the storm have not +wholly subsided; the legions that encamped in them are drawing off, but +not all departed; my sleep is still tumultuous, and, like the gates of +Paradise to our first parents when looking back from afar, it is still +(in the tremendous line of Milton) + + With dreadful faces throng'd, and fiery arms. + + + + +APPENDIX + + +From the "London Magazine" for December 1822. + +The interest excited by the two papers bearing this title, in our numbers +for September and October 1821, will have kept our promise of a Third +Part fresh in the remembrance of our readers. That we are still unable +to fulfil our engagement in its original meaning will, we, are sure, be +matter of regret to them as to ourselves, especially when they have +perused the following affecting narrative. It was composed for the +purpose of being appended to an edition of the Confessions in a separate +volume, which is already before the public, and we have reprinted it +entire, that our subscribers may be in possession of the whole of this +extraordinary history. + +* * * * * + +The proprietors of this little work having determined on reprinting it, +some explanation seems called for, to account for the non-appearance of a +third part promised in the _London Magazine_ of December last; and the +more so because the proprietors, under whose guarantee that promise was +issued, might otherwise be implicated in the blame--little or +much--attached to its non-fulfilment. This blame, in mere justice, the +author takes wholly upon himself. What may be the exact amount of the +guilt which he thus appropriates is a very dark question to his own +judgment, and not much illuminated by any of the masters in casuistry +whom he has consulted on the occasion. On the one hand it seems +generally agreed that a promise is binding in the inverse ratio of the +numbers to whom it is made; for which reason it is that we see many +persons break promises without scruple that are made to a whole nation, +who keep their faith religiously in all private engagements, breaches of +promise towards the stronger party being committed at a man's own peril; +on the other hand, the only parties interested in the promises of an +author are his readers, and these it is a point of modesty in any author +to believe as few as possible--or perhaps only one, in which case any +promise imposes a sanctity of moral obligation which it is shocking to +think of. Casuistry dismissed, however, the author throws himself on the +indulgent consideration of all who may conceive themselves aggrieved by +his delay, in the following account of his own condition from the end of +last year, when the engagement was made, up nearly to the present time. +For any purpose of self-excuse it might be sufficient to say that +intolerable bodily suffering had totally disabled him for almost any +exertion of mind, more especially for such as demands and presupposes a +pleasurable and genial state of feeling; but, as a case that may by +possibility contribute a trifle to the medical history of opium, in a +further stage of its action than can often have been brought under the +notice of professional men, he has judged that it might be acceptable to +some readers to have it described more at length. _Fiat experimentum in +corpore vili_ is a just rule where there is any reasonable presumption of +benefit to arise on a large scale. What the benefit may be will admit of +a doubt, but there can be none as to the value of the body; for a more +worthless body than his own the author is free to confess cannot be. It +is his pride to believe that it is the very ideal of a base, crazy, +despicable human system, that hardly ever could have been meant to be +seaworthy for two days under the ordinary storms and wear and tear of +life; and indeed, if that were the creditable way of disposing of human +bodies, he must own that he should almost be ashamed to bequeath his +wretched structure to any respectable dog. But now to the case, which, +for the sake of avoiding the constant recurrence of a cumbersome +periphrasis, the author will take the liberty of giving in the first +person. + +* * * * * + +Those who have read the Confessions will have closed them with the +impression that I had wholly renounced the use of opium. This impression +I meant to convey, and that for two reasons: first, because the very act +of deliberately recording such a state of suffering necessarily presumes +in the recorder a power of surveying his own case as a cool spectator, +and a degree of spirits for adequately describing it which it would be +inconsistent to suppose in any person speaking from the station of an +actual sufferer; secondly, because I, who had descended from so large a +quantity as 8,000 drops to so small a one (comparatively speaking) as a +quantity ranging between 300 and 160 drops, might well suppose that the +victory was in effect achieved. In suffering my readers, therefore, to +think of me as of a reformed opium-eater, I left no impression but what I +shared myself; and, as may be seen, even this impression was left to be +collected from the general tone of the conclusion, and not from any +specific words, which are in no instance at variance with the literal +truth. In no long time after that paper was written I became sensible +that the effort which remained would cost me far more energy than I had +anticipated, and the necessity for making it was more apparent every +month. In particular I became aware of an increasing callousness or +defect of sensibility in the stomach, and this I imagined might imply a +scirrhous state of that organ, either formed or forming. An eminent +physician, to whose kindness I was at that time deeply indebted, informed +me that such a termination of my case was not impossible, though likely +to be forestalled by a different termination in the event of my +continuing the use of opium. Opium therefore I resolved wholly to abjure +as soon as I should find myself at liberty to bend my undivided attention +and energy to this purpose. It was not, however, until the 24th of June +last that any tolerable concurrence of facilities for such an attempt +arrived. On that day I began my experiment, having previously settled in +my own mind that I would not flinch, but would "stand up to the scratch" +under any possible "punishment." I must premise that about 170 or 180 +drops had been my ordinary allowance for many months; occasionally I had +run up as high as 500, and once nearly to 700; in repeated preludes to my +final experiment I had also gone as low as 100 drops; but had found it +impossible to stand it beyond the fourth day--which, by the way, I have +always found more difficult to get over than any of the preceding three. +I went off under easy sail--130 drops a day for three days; on the fourth +I plunged at once to 80. The misery which I now suffered "took the +conceit" out of me at once, and for about a month I continued off and on +about this mark; then I sunk to 60, and the next day to--none at all. +This was the first day for nearly ten years that I had existed without +opium. I persevered in my abstinence for ninety hours; i.e., upwards of +half a week. Then I took--ask me not how much; say, ye severest, what +would ye have done? Then I abstained again--then took about 25 drops +then abstained; and so on. + +Meantime the symptoms which attended my case for the first six weeks of +my experiment were these: enormous irritability and excitement of the +whole system; the stomach in particular restored to a full feeling of +vitality and sensibility, but often in great pain; unceasing restlessness +night and day; sleep--I scarcely knew what it was; three hours out of the +twenty-four was the utmost I had, and that so agitated and shallow that I +heard every sound that was near me. Lower jaw constantly swelling, mouth +ulcerated, and many other distressing symptoms that would be tedious to +repeat; amongst which, however, I must mention one, because it had never +failed to accompany any attempt to renounce opium--viz., violent +sternutation. This now became exceedingly troublesome, sometimes lasting +for two hours at once, and recurring at least twice or three times a day. +I was not much surprised at this on recollecting what I had somewhere +heard or read, that the membrane which lines the nostrils is a +prolongation of that which lines the stomach; whence, I believe, are +explained the inflammatory appearances about the nostrils of dram +drinkers. The sudden restoration of its original sensibility to the +stomach expressed itself, I suppose, in this way. It is remarkable also +that during the whole period of years through which I had taken opium I +had never once caught cold (as the phrase is), nor even the slightest +cough. But now a violent cold attacked me, and a cough soon after. In +an unfinished fragment of a letter begun about this time to--I find these +words: "You ask me to write the--Do you know Beaumont and Fletcher's play +of "Thierry and Theodore"? There you will see my case as to sleep; nor +is it much of an exaggeration in other features. I protest to you that I +have a greater influx of thoughts in one hour at present than in a whole +year under the reign of opium. It seems as though all the thoughts which +had been frozen up for a decade of years by opium had now, according to +the old fable, been thawed at once--such a multitude stream in upon me +from all quarters. Yet such is my impatience and hideous irritability +that for one which I detain and write down fifty escape me: in spite of +my weariness from suffering and want of sleep, I cannot stand still or +sit for two minutes together. 'I nunc, et versus tecum meditare +canoros.'" + +At this stage of my experiment I sent to a neighbouring surgeon, +requesting that he would come over to see me. In the evening he came; +and after briefly stating the case to him, I asked this question; Whether +he did not think that the opium might have acted as a stimulus to the +digestive organs, and that the present state of suffering in the stomach, +which manifestly was the cause of the inability to sleep, might arise +from indigestion? His answer was; No; on the contrary, he thought that +the suffering was caused by digestion itself, which should naturally go +on below the consciousness, but which from the unnatural state of the +stomach, vitiated by so long a use of opium, was become distinctly +perceptible. This opinion was plausible; and the unintermitting nature +of the suffering disposes me to think that it was true, for if it had +been any mere _irregular_ affection of the stomach, it should naturally +have intermitted occasionally, and constantly fluctuated as to degree. +The intention of nature, as manifested in the healthy state, obviously is +to withdraw from our notice all the vital motions, such as the +circulation of the blood, the expansion and contraction of the lungs, the +peristaltic action of the stomach, &c., and opium, it seems, is able in +this, as in other instances, to counteract her purposes. By the advice +of the surgeon I tried _bitters_. For a short time these greatly +mitigated the feelings under which I laboured, but about the forty-second +day of the experiment the symptoms already noticed began to retire, and +new ones to arise of a different and far more tormenting class; under +these, but with a few intervals of remission, I have since continued to +suffer. But I dismiss them undescribed for two reasons: first, because +the mind revolts from retracing circumstantially any sufferings from +which it is removed by too short or by no interval. To do this with +minuteness enough to make the review of any use would be indeed _infandum +renovare dolorem_, and possibly without a sufficient motive; for +secondly, I doubt whether this latter state be anyway referable to +opium--positively considered, or even negatively; that is, whether it is +to be numbered amongst the last evils from the direct action of opium, or +even amongst the earliest evils consequent upon a _want_ of opium in a +system long deranged by its use. Certainly one part of the symptoms +might be accounted for from the time of year (August), for though the +summer was not a hot one, yet in any case the sum of all the heat +_funded_ (if one may say so) during the previous months, added to the +existing heat of that month, naturally renders August in its better half +the hottest part of the year; and it so happened that--the excessive +perspiration which even at Christmas attends any great reduction in the +daily quantum of opium--and which in July was so violent as to oblige me +to use a bath five or six times a day--had about the setting-in of the +hottest season wholly retired, on which account any bad effect of the +heat might be the more unmitigated. Another symptom--viz., what in my +ignorance I call internal rheumatism (sometimes affecting the shoulders, +&c., but more often appearing to be seated in the stomach)--seemed again +less probably attributable to the opium, or the want of opium, than to +the dampness of the house {21} which I inhabit, which had about this time +attained its maximum, July having been, as usual, a month of incessant +rain in our most rainy part of England. + +Under these reasons for doubting whether opium had any connexion with the +latter stage of my bodily wretchedness--except, indeed, as an occasional +cause, as having left the body weaker and more crazy, and thus +predisposed to any mal-influence whatever--I willingly spare my reader +all description of it; let it perish to him, and would that I could as +easily say let it perish to my own remembrances, that any future hours of +tranquillity may not be disturbed by too vivid an ideal of possible human +misery! + +So much for the sequel of my experiment. As to the former stage, in +which probably lies the experiment and its application to other cases, I +must request my reader not to forget the reasons for which I have +recorded it. These were two: First, a belief that I might add some +trifle to the history of opium as a medical agent. In this I am aware +that I have not at all fulfilled my own intentions, in consequence of the +torpor of mind, pain of body, and extreme disgust to the subject which +besieged me whilst writing that part of my paper; which part being +immediately sent off to the press (distant about five degrees of +latitude), cannot be corrected or improved. But from this account, +rambling as it may be, it is evident that thus much of benefit may arise +to the persons most interested in such a history of opium, viz., to opium- +eaters in general, that it establishes, for their consolation and +encouragement, the fact that opium may be renounced, and without greater +sufferings than an ordinary resolution may support, and by a pretty rapid +course {22} of descent. + +To communicate this result of my experiment was my foremost purpose. +Secondly, as a purpose collateral to this, I wished to explain how it had +become impossible for me to compose a Third Part in time to accompany +this republication; for during the time of this experiment the +proof-sheets of this reprint were sent to me from London, and such was my +inability to expand or to improve them, that I could not even bear to +read them over with attention enough to notice the press errors or to +correct any verbal inaccuracies. These were my reasons for troubling my +reader with any record, long or short, of experiments relating to so +truly base a subject as my own body; and I am earnest with the reader +that he will not forget them, or so far misapprehend me as to believe it +possible that I would condescend to so rascally a subject for its own +sake, or indeed for any less object than that of general benefit to +others. Such an animal as the self-observing valetudinarian I know there +is; I have met him myself occasionally, and I know that he is the worst +imaginable _heautontimoroumenos_; aggravating and sustaining, by calling +into distinct consciousness, every symptom that would else perhaps, under +a different direction given to the thoughts, become evanescent. But as +to myself, so profound is my contempt for this undignified and selfish +habit, that I could as little condescend to it as I could to spend my +time in watching a poor servant girl, to whom at this moment I hear some +lad or other making love at the back of my house. Is it for a +Transcendental Philosopher to feel any curiosity on such an occasion? Or +can I, whose life is worth only eight and a half years' purchase, be +supposed to have leisure for such trivial employments? However, to put +this out of question, I shall say one thing, which will perhaps shock +some readers, but I am sure it ought not to do so, considering the +motives on which I say it. No man, I suppose, employs much of his time +on the phenomena of his own body without some regard for it; whereas the +reader sees that, so far from looking upon mine with any complacency or +regard, I hate it, and make it the object of my bitter ridicule and +contempt; and I should not be displeased to know that the last +indignities which the law inflicts upon the bodies of the worst +malefactors might hereafter fall upon it. And, in testification of my +sincerity in saying this, I shall make the following offer. Like other +men, I have particular fancies about the place of my burial; having lived +chiefly in a mountainous region, I rather cleave to the conceit, that a +grave in a green churchyard amongst the ancient and solitary hills will +be a sublimer and more tranquil place of repose for a philosopher than +any in the hideous Golgothas of London. Yet if the gentlemen of +Surgeons' Hall think that any benefit can redound to their science from +inspecting the appearances in the body of an opium-eater, let them speak +but a word, and I will take care that mine shall be legally secured to +them--i.e., as soon as I have done with it myself. Let them not hesitate +to express their wishes upon any scruples of false delicacy and +consideration for my feelings; I assure them they will do me too much +honour by "demonstrating" on such a crazy body as mine, and it will give +me pleasure to anticipate this posthumous revenge and insult inflicted +upon that which has caused me so much suffering in this life. Such +bequests are not common; reversionary benefits contingent upon the death +of the testator are indeed dangerous to announce in many cases: of this +we have a remarkable instance in the habits of a Roman prince, who used, +upon any notification made to him by rich persons that they had left him +a handsome estate in their wills, to express his entire satisfaction at +such arrangements and his gracious acceptance of those loyal legacies; +but then, if the testators neglected to give him immediate possession of +the property, if they traitorously "persisted in living" (_si vivere +perseverarent_, as Suetonius expresses it), he was highly provoked, and +took his measures accordingly. In those times, and from one of the worst +of the Caesars, we might expect such conduct; but I am sure that from +English surgeons at this day I need look for no expressions of +impatience, or of any other feelings but such as are answerable to that +pure love of science and all its interests which induces me to make such +an offer. + +Sept 30, 1822 + + + + +FOOTNOTES + + +{1} "Not yet _recorded_," I say; for there is one celebrated man of the +present day, who, if all be true which is reported of him, has greatly +exceeded me in quantity. + +{2} A third exception might perhaps have been added; and my reason for +not adding that exception is chiefly because it was only in his juvenile +efforts that the writer whom I allude to expressly addressed hints to +philosophical themes; his riper powers having been all dedicated (on very +excusable and very intelligible grounds, under the present direction of +the popular mind in England) to criticism and the Fine Arts. This reason +apart, however, I doubt whether he is not rather to be considered an +acute thinker than a subtle one. It is, besides, a great drawback on his +mastery over philosophical subjects that he has obviously not had the +advantage of a regular scholastic education: he has not read Plato in his +youth (which most likely was only his misfortune), but neither has he +read Kant in his manhood (which is his fault). + +{3} I disclaim any allusion to _existing_ professors, of whom indeed I +know only one. + +{4} To this same Jew, by the way, some eighteen months afterwards, I +applied again on the same business; and, dating at that time from a +respectable college, I was fortunate enough to gain his serious attention +to my proposals. My necessities had not arisen from any extravagance or +youthful levities (these my habits and the nature of my pleasures raised +me far above), but simply from the vindictive malice of my guardian, who, +when he found himself no longer able to prevent me from going to the +university, had, as a parting token of his good nature, refused to sign +an order for granting me a shilling beyond the allowance made to me at +school--viz., 100 pounds per annum. Upon this sum it was in my time +barely possible to have lived in college, and not possible to a man who, +though above the paltry affectation of ostentatious disregard for money, +and without any expensive tastes, confided nevertheless rather too much +in servants, and did not delight in the petty details of minute economy. +I soon, therefore, became embarrassed, and at length, after a most +voluminous negotiation with the Jew (some parts of which, if I had +leisure to rehearse them, would greatly amuse my readers), I was put in +possession of the sum I asked for, on the "regular" terms of paying the +Jew seventeen and a half per cent. by way of annuity on all the money +furnished; Israel, on his part, graciously resuming no more than about +ninety guineas of the said money, on account of an attorney's bill (for +what services, to whom rendered, and when, whether at the siege of +Jerusalem, at the building of the second Temple, or on some earlier +occasion, I have not yet been able to discover). How many perches this +bill measured I really forget; but I still keep it in a cabinet of +natural curiosities, and some time or other I believe I shall present it +to the British Museum. + +{5} The Bristol mail is the best appointed in the Kingdom, owing to the +double advantages of an unusually good road and of an extra sum for the +expenses subscribed by the Bristol merchants. + +{6} It will be objected that many men, of the highest rank and wealth, +have in our own day, as well as throughout our history, been amongst the +foremost in courting danger in battle. True; but this is not the case +supposed; long familiarity with power has to them deadened its effect and +its attractions. + +{7} [Greek text]. + +{8} [Greek text]. EURIP. Orest. + +{9} [Greek text]. + +{10} [Greek text]. The scholar will know that throughout this passage I +refer to the early scenes of the Orestes; one of the most beautiful +exhibitions of the domestic affections which even the dramas of Euripides +can furnish. To the English reader it may be necessary to say that the +situation at the opening of the drama is that of a brother attended only +by his sister during the demoniacal possession of a suffering conscience +(or, in the mythology of the play, haunted by the Furies), and in +circumstances of immediate danger from enemies, and of desertion or cold +regard from nominal friends. + +{11} _Evanesced_: this way of going off the stage of life appears to +have been well known in the 17th century, but at that time to have been +considered a peculiar privilege of blood-royal, and by no means to be +allowed to druggists. For about the year 1686 a poet of rather ominous +name (and who, by-the-bye, did ample justice to his name), viz., Mr. +_Flat-man_, in speaking of the death of Charles II. expresses his +surprise that any prince should commit so absurd an act as dying, +because, says he, + + "Kings should disdain to die, and only _disappear_." + +They should _abscond_, that is, into the other world. + +{12} Of this, however, the learned appear latterly to have doubted; for +in a pirated edition of Buchan's _Domestic Medicine_, which I once saw in +the hands of a farmer's wife, who was studying it for the benefit of her +health, the Doctor was made to say--"Be particularly careful never to +take above five-and-twenty _ounces_ of laudanum at once;" the true +reading being probably five-and-twenty _drops_, which are held equal to +about one grain of crude opium. + +{13} Amongst the great herd of travellers, &c., who show sufficiently by +their stupidity that they never held any intercourse with opium, I must +caution my readers specially against the brilliant author of +_Anastasius_. This gentleman, whose wit would lead one to presume him an +opium-eater, has made it impossible to consider him in that character, +from the grievous misrepresentation which he gives of its effects at pp. +215-17 of vol. i. Upon consideration it must appear such to the author +himself, for, waiving the errors I have insisted on in the text, which +(and others) are adopted in the fullest manner, he will himself admit +that an old gentleman "with a snow-white beard," who eats "ample doses of +opium," and is yet able to deliver what is meant and received as very +weighty counsel on the bad effects of that practice, is but an +indifferent evidence that opium either kills people prematurely or sends +them into a madhouse. But for my part, I see into this old gentleman and +his motives: the fact is, he was enamoured of "the little golden +receptacle of the pernicious drug" which Anastasius carried about him; +and no way of obtaining it so safe and so feasible occurred as that of +frightening its owner out of his wits (which, by the bye, are none of the +strongest). This commentary throws a new light upon the case, and +greatly improves it as a story; for the old gentleman's speech, +considered as a lecture on pharmacy, is highly absurd; but considered as +a hoax on Anastasius, it reads excellently. + +{14} I have not the book at this moment to consult; but I think the +passage begins--"And even that tavern music, which makes one man merry, +another mad, in me strikes a deep fit of devotion," &c. + +{15} A handsome newsroom, of which I was very politely made free in +passing through Manchester by several gentlemen of that place, is called, +I think, _The Porch_; whence I, who am a stranger in Manchester, inferred +that the subscribers meant to profess themselves followers of Zeno. But +I have been since assured that this is a mistake. + +{16} I here reckon twenty-five drops of laudanum as equivalent to one +grain of opium, which, I believe, is the common estimate. However, as +both may be considered variable quantities (the crude opium varying much +in strength, and the tincture still more), I suppose that no +infinitesimal accuracy can be had in such a calculation. Teaspoons vary +as much in size as opium in strength. Small ones hold about 100 drops; +so that 8,000 drops are about eighty times a teaspoonful. The reader +sees how much I kept within Dr. Buchan's indulgent allowance. + +{17} This, however, is not a necessary conclusion; the varieties of +effect produced by opium on different constitutions are infinite. A +London magistrate (Harriott's _Struggles through Life_, vol. iii. p. 391, +third edition) has recorded that, on the first occasion of his trying +laudanum for the gout he took _forty_ drops, the next night _sixty_, and +on the fifth night _eighty_, without any effect whatever; and this at an +advanced age. I have an anecdote from a country surgeon, however, which +sinks Mr. Harriott's case into a trifle; and in my projected medical +treatise on opium, which I will publish provided the College of Surgeons +will pay me for enlightening their benighted understandings upon this +subject, I will relate it; but it is far too good a story to be published +gratis. + +{18} See the common accounts in any Eastern traveller or voyager of the +frantic excesses committed by Malays who have taken opium, or are reduced +to desperation by ill-luck at gambling. + +{19} The reader must remember what I here mean by _thinking_, because +else this would be a very presumptuous expression. England, of late, has +been rich to excess in fine thinkers, in the departments of creative and +combining thought; but there is a sad dearth of masculine thinkers in any +analytic path. A Scotchman of eminent name has lately told us that he is +obliged to quit even mathematics for want of encouragement. + +{20} William Lithgow. His book (Travels, &c.) is ill and pedantically +written; but the account of his own sufferings on the rack at Malaga is +overpoweringly affecting. + +{21} In saying this I mean no disrespect to the individual house, as the +reader will understand when I tell him that, with the exception of one or +two princely mansions, and some few inferior ones that have been coated +with Roman cement, I am not acquainted with any house in this mountainous +district which is wholly waterproof. The architecture of books, I +flatter myself, is conducted on just principles in this country; but for +any other architecture, it is in a barbarous state, and what is worse, in +a retrograde state. + +{22} On which last notice I would remark that mine was _too_ rapid, and +the suffering therefore needlessly aggravated; or rather, perhaps, it was +not sufficiently continuous and equably graduated. But that the reader +may judge for himself, and above all that the Opium-eater, who is +preparing to retire from business, may have every sort of information +before him, I subjoin my diary:-- + +First Week Second Week + Drops of Laud. Drops of Laud. +Mond. June 24 ... 130 Mond. July 1 ... 80 + 25 ... 140 2 ... 80 + 26 ... 130 3 ... 90 + 27 ... 80 4 ... 100 + 28 ... 80 5 ... 80 + 29 ... 80 6 ... 80 + 30 ... 80 7 ... 80 +Third Week Fourth Week +Mond. July 8 ... 300 Mond. July 15 ... 76 + 9 ... 50 16 ... 73.5 + 10 } 17 ... 73.5 + 11 } Hiatus in 18 ... 70 + 12 } MS. 19 ... 240 + 13 } 20 ... 80 + 14 ... 76 21 ... 350 +Fifth Week +Mond. July 22 ... 60 + 23 ... none. + 24 ... none. + 25 ... none. + 26 ... 200 + 27 ... none. + +What mean these abrupt relapses, the reader will ask perhaps, to such +numbers as 300, 350, &c.? The _impulse_ to these relapses was mere +infirmity of purpose; the _motive_, where any motive blended with this +impulse, was either the principle, of "_reculer pour mieux sauter_;" (for +under the torpor of a large dose, which lasted for a day or two, a less +quantity satisfied the stomach, which on awakening found itself partly +accustomed to this new ration); or else it was this principle--that of +sufferings otherwise equal, those will be borne best which meet with a +mood of anger. 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If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association/Carnegie-Mellon + University" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Carnegie-Mellon University". + +*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +This etext was prepared by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk +from the 1886 George Routledge and Sons edition. This being a reprint +of the 1821 London Magazine edition. + + + + + +Confessions of an English Opium-Eater by Thomas De Quincey. The +first edition (London Magazine) text. 1886 George Routledge and +Sons edition. + + + + + +CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER: +BEING AN EXTRACT FROM THE +LIFE OF A SCHOLAR. +From the "London Magazine" for September 1821. + + + + +TO THE READER + + + +I here present you, courteous reader, with the record of a +remarkable period in my life: according to my application of it, I +trust that it will prove not merely an interesting record, but in a +considerable degree useful and instructive. In THAT hope it is that +I have drawn it up; and THAT must be my apology for breaking through +that delicate and honourable reserve which, for the most part, +restrains us from the public exposure of our own errors and +infirmities. Nothing, indeed, is more revolting to English feelings +than the spectacle of a human being obtruding on our notice his +moral ulcers or scars, and tearing away that "decent drapery" which +time or indulgence to human frailty may have drawn over them; +accordingly, the greater part of OUR confessions (that is, +spontaneous and extra-judicial confessions) proceed from demireps, +adventurers, or swindlers: and for any such acts of gratuitous +self-humiliation from those who can be supposed in sympathy with the +decent and self-respecting part of society, we must look to French +literature, or to that part of the German which is tainted with the +spurious and defective sensibility of the French. All this I feel +so forcibly, and so nervously am I alive to reproach of this +tendency, that I have for many months hesitated about the propriety +of allowing this or any part of my narrative to come before the +public eye until after my death (when, for many reasons, the whole +will be published); and it is not without an anxious review of the +reasons for and against this step that I have at last concluded on +taking it. + +Guilt and misery shrink, by a natural instinct, from public notice: +they court privacy and solitude: and even in their choice of a +grave will sometimes sequester themselves from the general +population of the churchyard, as if declining to claim fellowship +with the great family of man, and wishing (in the affecting language +of Mr. Wordsworth) + + +Humbly to express +A penitential loneliness. + + +It is well, upon the whole, and for the interest of us all, that it +should be so: nor would I willingly in my own person manifest a +disregard of such salutary feelings, nor in act or word do anything +to weaken them; but, on the one hand, as my self-accusation does not +amount to a confession of guilt, so, on the other, it is possible +that, if it DID, the benefit resulting to others from the record of +an experience purchased at so heavy a price might compensate, by a +vast overbalance, for any violence done to the feelings I have +noticed, and justify a breach of the general rule. Infirmity and +misery do not of necessity imply guilt. They approach or recede +from shades of that dark alliance, in proportion to the probable +motives and prospects of the offender, and the palliations, known or +secret, of the offence; in proportion as the temptations to it were +potent from the first, and the resistance to it, in act or in +effort, was earnest to the last. For my own part, without breach of +truth or modesty, I may affirm that my life has been, on the whole, +the life of a philosopher: from my birth I was made an intellectual +creature, and intellectual in the highest sense my pursuits and +pleasures have been, even from my schoolboy days. If opium-eating +be a sensual pleasure, and if I am bound to confess that I have +indulged in it to an excess not yet RECORDED {1} of any other man, +it is no less true that I have struggled against this fascinating +enthralment with a religious zeal, and have at length accomplished +what I never yet heard attributed to any other man--have untwisted, +almost to its final links, the accursed chain which fettered me. +Such a self-conquest may reasonably be set off in counterbalance to +any kind or degree of self-indulgence. Not to insist that in my +case the self-conquest was unquestionable, the self-indulgence open +to doubts of casuistry, according as that name shall be extended to +acts aiming at the bare relief of pain, or shall be restricted to +such as aim at the excitement of positive pleasure. + +Guilt, therefore, I do not acknowledge; and if I did, it is possible +that I might still resolve on the present act of confession in +consideration of the service which I may thereby render to the whole +class of opium-eaters. But who are they? Reader, I am sorry to say +a very numerous class indeed. Of this I became convinced some years +ago by computing at that time the number of those in one small class +of English society (the class of men distinguished for talents, or +of eminent station) who were known to me, directly or indirectly, as +opium-eaters; such, for instance, as the eloquent and benevolent -, +the late Dean of -, Lord -, Mr.--the philosopher, a late Under- +Secretary of State (who described to me the sensation which first +drove him to the use of opium in the very same words as the Dean of +-, viz., "that he felt as though rats were gnawing and abrading the +coats of his stomach"), Mr. -, and many others hardly less known, +whom it would be tedious to mention. Now, if one class, +comparatively so limited, could furnish so many scores of cases (and +THAT within the knowledge of one single inquirer), it was a natural +inference that the entire population of England would furnish a +proportionable number. The soundness of this inference, however, I +doubted, until some facts became known to me which satisfied me that +it was not incorrect. I will mention two. (1) Three respectable +London druggists, in widely remote quarters of London, from whom I +happened lately to be purchasing small quantities of opium, assured +me that the number of AMATEUR opium-eaters (as I may term them) was +at this time immense; and that the difficulty of distinguishing +those persons to whom habit had rendered opium necessary from such +as were purchasing it with a view to suicide, occasioned them daily +trouble and disputes. This evidence respected London only. But +(2)--which will possibly surprise the reader more--some years ago, +on passing through Manchester, I was informed by several cotton +manufacturers that their workpeople were rapidly getting into the +practice of opium-eating; so much so, that on a Saturday afternoon +the counters of the druggists were strewed with pills of one, two, +or three grains, in preparation for the known demand of the evening. +The immediate occasion of this practice was the lowness of wages, +which at that time would not allow them to indulge in ale or +spirits, and wages rising, it may be thought that this practice +would cease; but as I do not readily believe that any man having +once tasted the divine luxuries of opium will afterwards descend to +the gross and mortal enjoyments of alcohol, I take it for granted + + +That those eat now who never ate before; +And those who always ate, now eat the more. + + +Indeed, the fascinating powers of opium are admitted even by medical +writers, who are its greatest enemies. Thus, for instance, Awsiter, +apothecary to Greenwich Hospital, in his "Essay on the Effects of +Opium" (published in the year 1763), when attempting to explain why +Mead had not been sufficiently explicit on the properties, +counteragents, &c., of this drug, expresses himself in the following +mysterious terms ([Greek text]): "Perhaps he thought the subject of +too delicate a nature to be made common; and as many people might +then indiscriminately use it, it would take from that necessary fear +and caution which should prevent their experiencing the extensive +power of this drug, FOR THERE ARE MANY PROPERTIES IN IT, IF +UNIVERSALLY KNOWN, THAT WOULD HABITUATE THE USE, AND MAKE IT MORE IN +REQUEST WITH US THAN WITH TURKS THEMSELVES; the result of which +knowledge," he adds, "must prove a general misfortune." In the +necessity of this conclusion I do not altogether concur; but upon +that point I shall have occasion to speak at the close of my +Confessions, where I shall present the reader with the MORAL of my +narrative. + + + +PRELIMINARY CONFESSIONS + + + +These preliminary confessions, or introductory narrative of the +youthful adventures which laid the foundation of the writer's habit +of opium-eating in after-life, it has been judged proper to premise, +for three several reasons: + +1. As forestalling that question, and giving it a satisfactory +answer, which else would painfully obtrude itself in the course of +the Opium Confessions--"How came any reasonable being to subject +himself to such a yoke of misery; voluntarily to incur a captivity +so servile, and knowingly to fetter himself with such a sevenfold +chain?"--a question which, if not somewhere plausibly resolved, +could hardly fail, by the indignation which it would be apt to raise +as against an act of wanton folly, to interfere with that degree of +sympathy which is necessary in any case to an author's purposes. + +2. As furnishing a key to some parts of that tremendous scenery +which afterwards peopled the dreams of the Opium-eater. + +3. As creating some previous interest of a personal sort in the +confessing subject, apart from the matter of the confessions, which +cannot fail to render the confessions themselves more interesting. +If a man "whose talk is of oxen" should become an opium-eater, the +probability is that (if he is not too dull to dream at all) he will +dream about oxen; whereas, in the case before him, the reader will +find that the Opium-eater boasteth himself to be a philosopher; and +accordingly, that the phantasmagoria of HIS dreams (waking or +sleeping, day-dreams or night-dreams) is suitable to one who in that +character + + +Humani nihil a se alienum putat. + + +For amongst the conditions which he deems indispensable to the +sustaining of any claim to the title of philosopher is not merely +the possession of a superb intellect in its ANALYTIC functions (in +which part of the pretensions, however, England can for some +generations show but few claimants; at least, he is not aware of any +known candidate for this honour who can be styled emphatically A +SUBTLE THINKER, with the exception of SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE, and +in a narrower department of thought with the recent illustrious +exception {2} of DAVID RICARDO) but also on such a constitution of +the MORAL faculties as shall give him an inner eye and power of +intuition for the vision and the mysteries of our human nature: +THAT constitution of faculties, in short, which (amongst all the +generations of men that from the beginning of time have deployed +into life, as it were, upon this planet) our English poets have +possessed in the highest degree, and Scottish professors {3} in the +lowest. + +I have often been asked how I first came to be a regular opium- +eater, and have suffered, very unjustly, in the opinion of my +acquaintance from being reputed to have brought upon myself all the +sufferings which I shall have to record, by a long course of +indulgence in this practice purely for the sake of creating an +artificial state of pleasurable excitement. This, however, is a +misrepresentation of my case. True it is that for nearly ten years +I did occasionally take opium for the sake of the exquisite pleasure +it gave me; but so long as I took it with this view I was +effectually protected from all material bad consequences by the +necessity of interposing long intervals between the several acts of +indulgence, in order to renew the pleasurable sensations. It was +not for the purpose of creating pleasure, but of mitigating pain in +the severest degree, that I first began to use opium as an article +of daily diet. In the twenty-eighth year of my age a most painful +affection of the stomach, which I had first experienced about ten +years before, attacked me in great strength. This affection had +originally been caused by extremities of hunger, suffered in my +boyish days. During the season of hope and redundant happiness +which succeeded (that is, from eighteen to twenty-four) it had +slumbered; for the three following years it had revived at +intervals; and now, under unfavourable circumstances, from +depression of spirits, it attacked me with a violence that yielded +to no remedies but opium. As the youthful sufferings which first +produced this derangement of the stomach were interesting in +themselves, and in the circumstances that attended them, I shall +here briefly retrace them. + +My father died when I was about seven years old, and left me to the +care of four guardians. I was sent to various schools, great and +small; and was very early distinguished for my classical +attainments, especially for my knowledge of Greek. At thirteen I +wrote Greek with ease; and at fifteen my command of that language +was so great that I not only composed Greek verses in lyric metres, +but could converse in Greek fluently and without embarrassment--an +accomplishment which I have not since met with in any scholar of my +times, and which in my case was owing to the practice of daily +reading off the newspapers into the best Greek I could furnish +extempore; for the necessity of ransacking my memory and invention +for all sorts and combinations of periphrastic expressions as +equivalents for modern ideas, images, relations of things, &c., gave +me a compass of diction which would never have been called out by a +dull translation of moral essays, &c. "That boy," said one of my +masters, pointing the attention of a stranger to me, "that boy could +harangue an Athenian mob better than you and I could address an +English one." He who honoured me with this eulogy was a scholar, +"and a ripe and a good one," and of all my tutors was the only one +whom I loved or reverenced. Unfortunately for me (and, as I +afterwards learned, to this worthy man's great indignation), I was +transferred to the care, first of a blockhead, who was in a +perpetual panic lest I should expose his ignorance; and finally to +that of a respectable scholar at the head of a great school on an +ancient foundation. This man had been appointed to his situation +by--College, Oxford, and was a sound, well-built scholar, but (like +most men whom I have known from that college) coarse, clumsy, and +inelegant. A miserable contrast he presented, in my eyes, to the +Etonian brilliancy of my favourite master; and beside, he could not +disguise from my hourly notice the poverty and meagreness of his +understanding. It is a bad thing for a boy to be and to know +himself far beyond his tutors, whether in knowledge or in power of +mind. This was the case, so far as regarded knowledge at least, not +with myself only, for the two boys, who jointly with myself composed +the first form, were better Grecians than the head-master, though +not more elegant scholars, nor at all more accustomed to sacrifice +to the Graces. When I first entered I remember that we read +Sophocles; and it was a constant matter of triumph to us, the +learned triumvirate of the first form, to see our "Archididascalus" +(as he loved to be called) conning our lessons before we went up, +and laying a regular train, with lexicon and grammar, for blowing up +and blasting (as it were) any difficulties he found in the choruses; +whilst WE never condescended to open our books until the moment of +going up, and were generally employed in writing epigrams upon his +wig or some such important matter. My two class-fellows were poor, +and dependent for their future prospects at the university on the +recommendation of the head-master; but I, who had a small +patrimonial property, the income of which was sufficient to support +me at college, wished to be sent thither immediately. I made +earnest representations on the subject to my guardians, but all to +no purpose. One, who was more reasonable and had more knowledge of +the world than the rest, lived at a distance; two of the other three +resigned all their authority into the hands of the fourth; and this +fourth, with whom I had to negotiate, was a worthy man in his way, +but haughty, obstinate, and intolerant of all opposition to his +will. After a certain number of letters and personal interviews, I +found that I had nothing to hope for, not even a compromise of the +matter, from my guardian. Unconditional submission was what he +demanded, and I prepared myself, therefore, for other measures. +Summer was now coming on with hasty steps, and my seventeenth +birthday was fast approaching, after which day I had sworn within +myself that I would no longer be numbered amongst schoolboys. Money +being what I chiefly wanted, I wrote to a woman of high rank, who, +though young herself, had known me from a child, and had latterly +treated me with great distinction, requesting that she would "lend" +me five guineas. For upwards of a week no answer came, and I was +beginning to despond, when at length a servant put into my hands a +double letter with a coronet on the seal. The letter was kind and +obliging. The fair writer was on the sea-coast, and in that way the +delay had arisen; she enclosed double of what I had asked, and good- +naturedly hinted that if I should NEVER repay her, it would not +absolutely ruin her. Now, then, I was prepared for my scheme. Ten +guineas, added to about two which I had remaining from my pocket- +money, seemed to me sufficient for an indefinite length of time; and +at that happy age, if no DEFINITE boundary can be assigned to one's +power, the spirit of hope and pleasure makes it virtually infinite. + +It is a just remark of Dr. Johnson's (and, what cannot often be said +of his remarks, it is a very feeling one), that we never do anything +consciously for the last time (of things, that is, which we have +long been in the habit of doing) without sadness of heart. This +truth I felt deeply when I came to leave -, a place which I did not +love, and where I had not been happy. On the evening before I left- +-for ever, I grieved when the ancient and lofty schoolroom resounded +with the evening service, performed for the last time in my hearing; +and at night, when the muster-roll of names was called over, and +mine (as usual) was called first, I stepped forward, and passing the +head-master, who was standing by, I bowed to him, and looked +earnestly in his face, thinking to myself, "He is old and infirm, +and in this world I shall not see him again." I was right; I never +DID see him again, nor ever shall. He looked at me complacently, +smiled good-naturedly, returned my salutation (or rather my +valediction), and we parted (though he knew it not) for ever. I +could not reverence him intellectually, but he had been uniformly +kind to me, and had allowed me many indulgences; and I grieved at +the thought of the mortification I should inflict upon him. + +The morning came which was to launch me into the world, and from +which my whole succeeding life has in many important points taken +its colouring. I lodged in the head-master's house, and had been +allowed from my first entrance the indulgence of a private room, +which I used both as a sleeping-room and as a study. At half after +three I rose, and gazed with deep emotion at the ancient towers of - +, "drest in earliest light," and beginning to crimson with the +radiant lustre of a cloudless July morning. I was firm and +immovable in my purpose; but yet agitated by anticipation of +uncertain danger and troubles; and if I could have foreseen the +hurricane and perfect hail-storm of affliction which soon fell upon +me, well might I have been agitated. To this agitation the deep +peace of the morning presented an affecting contrast, and in some +degree a medicine. The silence was more profound than that of mid- +night; and to me the silence of a summer morning is more touching +than all other silence, because, the light being broad and strong as +that of noonday at other seasons of the year, it seems to differ +from perfect day chiefly because man is not yet abroad; and thus the +peace of nature and of the innocent creatures of God seems to be +secure and deep only so long as the presence of man and his restless +and unquiet spirit are not there to trouble its sanctity. I dressed +myself, took my hat and gloves, and lingered a little in the room. +For the last year and a half this room had been my "pensive +citadel": here I had read and studied through all the hours of +night, and though true it was that for the latter part of this time +I, who was framed for love and gentle affections, had lost my gaiety +and happiness during the strife and fever of contention with my +guardian, yet, on the other hand, as a boy so passionately fond of +books, and dedicated to intellectual pursuits, I could not fail to +have enjoyed many happy hours in the midst of general dejection. I +wept as I looked round on the chair, hearth, writing-table, and +other familiar objects, knowing too certainly that I looked upon +them for the last time. Whilst I write this it is eighteen years +ago, and yet at this moment I see distinctly, as if it were +yesterday, the lineaments and expression of the object on which I +fixed my parting gaze. It was a picture of the lovely -, which hung +over the mantelpiece, the eyes and mouth of which were so beautiful, +and the whole countenance so radiant with benignity and divine +tranquillity, that I had a thousand times laid down my pen or my +book to gather consolation from it, as a devotee from his patron +saint. Whilst I was yet gazing upon it the deep tones of--clock +proclaimed that it was four o'clock. I went up to the picture, +kissed it, and then gently walked out and closed the door for ever! + + +So blended and intertwisted in this life are occasions of laughter +and of tears, that I cannot yet recall without smiling an incident +which occurred at that time, and which had nearly put a stop to the +immediate execution of my plan. I had a trunk of immense weight, +for, besides my clothes, it contained nearly all my library. The +difficulty was to get this removed to a carrier's: my room was at +an aerial elevation in the house, and (what was worse) the staircase +which communicated with this angle of the building was accessible +only by a gallery, which passed the head-master's chamber door. I +was a favourite with all the servants, and knowing that any of them +would screen me and act confidentially, I communicated my +embarrassment to a groom of the head-master's. The groom swore he +would do anything I wished, and when the time arrived went upstairs +to bring the trunk down. This I feared was beyond the strength of +any one man; however, the groom was a man + + +Of Atlantean shoulders, fit to bear +The weight of mightiest monarchies; + + +and had a back as spacious as Salisbury Plain. Accordingly he +persisted in bringing down the trunk alone, whilst I stood waiting +at the foot of the last flight in anxiety for the event. For some +time I heard him descending with slow and firm steps; but +unfortunately, from his trepidation, as he drew near the dangerous +quarter, within a few steps of the gallery, his foot slipped, and +the mighty burden falling from his shoulders, gained such increase +of impetus at each step of the descent, that on reaching the bottom +it trundled, or rather leaped, right across, with the noise of +twenty devils, against the very bedroom door of the Archididascalus. +My first thought was that all was lost, and that my only chance for +executing a retreat was to sacrifice my baggage. However, on +reflection I determined to abide the issue. The groom was in the +utmost alarm, both on his own account and on mine, but, in spite of +this, so irresistibly had the sense of the ludicrous in this unhappy +contretemps taken possession of his fancy, that he sang out a long, +loud, and canorous peal of laughter, that might have wakened the +Seven Sleepers. At the sound of this resonant merriment, within the +very ears of insulted authority, I could not myself forbear joining +in it; subdued to this, not so much by the unhappy etourderie of the +trunk, as by the effect it had upon the groom. We both expected, as +a matter of course, that Dr.--would sally, out of his room, for in +general, if but a mouse stirred, he sprang out like a mastiff from +his kennel. Strange to say, however, on this occasion, when the +noise of laughter had ceased, no sound, or rustling even, was to be +heard in the bedroom. Dr.--had a painful complaint, which, +sometimes keeping him awake, made his sleep perhaps, when it did +come, the deeper. Gathering courage from the silence, the groom +hoisted his burden again, and accomplished the remainder of his +descent without accident. I waited until I saw the trunk placed on +a wheelbarrow and on its road to the carrier's; then, "with +Providence my guide," I set off on foot, carrying a small parcel +with some articles of dress under my arm; a favourite English poet +in one pocket, and a small 12mo volume, containing about nine plays +of Euripides, in the other. + +It had been my intention originally to proceed to Westmoreland, both +from the love I bore to that country and on other personal accounts. +Accident, however, gave a different direction to my wanderings, and +I bent my steps towards North Wales. + +After wandering about for some time in Denbighshire, Merionethshire, +and Carnarvonshire, I took lodgings in a small neat house in B-. +Here I might have stayed with great comfort for many weeks, for +provisions were cheap at B-, from the scarcity of other markets for +the surplus produce of a wide agricultural district. An accident, +however, in which perhaps no offence was designed, drove me out to +wander again. I know not whether my reader may have remarked, but I +have often remarked, that the proudest class of people in England +(or at any rate the class whose pride is most apparent) are the +families of bishops. Noblemen and their children carry about with +them, in their very titles, a sufficient notification of their rank. +Nay, their very names (and this applies also to the children of many +untitled houses) are often, to the English ear, adequate exponents +of high birth or descent. Sackville, Manners, Fitzroy, Paulet, +Cavendish, and scores of others, tell their own tale. Such persons, +therefore, find everywhere a due sense of their claims already +established, except among those who are ignorant of the world by +virtue of their own obscurity: "Not to know THEM, argues one's self +unknown." Their manners take a suitable tone and colouring, and for +once they find it necessary to impress a sense of their consequence +upon others, they meet with a thousand occasions for moderating and +tempering this sense by acts of courteous condescension. With the +families of bishops it is otherwise: with them, it is all uphill +work to make known their pretensions; for the proportion of the +episcopal bench taken from noble families is not at any time very +large, and the succession to these dignities is so rapid that the +public ear seldom has time to become familiar with them, unless +where they are connected with some literary reputation. Hence it is +that the children of bishops carry about with them an austere and +repulsive air, indicative of claims not generally acknowledged, a +sort of noli me tangere manner, nervously apprehensive of too +familiar approach, and shrinking with the sensitiveness of a gouty +man from all contact with the [Greek text]. Doubtless, a powerful +understanding, or unusual goodness of nature, will preserve a man +from such weakness, but in general the truth of my representation +will be acknowledged; pride, if not of deeper root in such families, +appears at least more upon the surface of their manners. This +spirit of manners naturally communicates itself to their domestics +and other dependants. Now, my landlady had been a lady's maid or a +nurse in the family of the Bishop of -, and had but lately married +away and "settled" (as such people express it) for life. In a +little town like B-, merely to have lived in the bishop's family +conferred some distinction; and my good landlady had rather more +than her share of the pride I have noticed on that score. What "my +lord" said and what "my lord" did, how useful he was in Parliament +and how indispensable at Oxford, formed the daily burden of her +talk. All this I bore very well, for I was too good-natured to +laugh in anybody's face, and I could make an ample allowance for the +garrulity of an old servant. Of necessity, however, I must have +appeared in her eyes very inadequately impressed with the bishop's +importance, and, perhaps to punish me for my indifference, or +possibly by accident, she one day repeated to me a conversation in +which I was indirectly a party concerned. She had been to the +palace to pay her respects to the family, and, dinner being over, +was summoned into the dining-room. In giving an account of her +household economy she happened to mention that she had let her +apartments. Thereupon the good bishop (it seemed) had taken +occasion to caution her as to her selection of inmates, "for," said +he, "you must recollect, Betty, that this place is in the high road +to the Head; so that multitudes of Irish swindlers running away from +their debts into England, and of English swindlers running away from +their debts to the Isle of Man, are likely to take this place in +their route." This advice certainly was not without reasonable +grounds, but rather fitted to be stored up for Mrs. Betty's private +meditations than specially reported to me. What followed, however, +was somewhat worse. "Oh, my lord," answered my landlady (according +to her own representation of the matter), "I really don't think this +young gentleman is a swindler, because--" "You don't THINK me a +swindler?" said I, interrupting her, in a tumult of indignation: +"for the future I shall spare you the trouble of thinking about it." +And without delay I prepared for my departure. Some concessions the +good woman seemed disposed to make; but a harsh and contemptuous +expression, which I fear that I applied to the learned dignitary +himself, roused her indignation in turn, and reconciliation then +became impossible. I was indeed greatly irritated at the bishop's +having suggested any grounds of suspicion, however remotely, against +a person whom he had never seen; and I thought of letting him know +my mind in Greek, which, at the same time that it would furnish some +presumption that I was no swindler, would also (I hoped) compel the +bishop to reply in the same language; in which case I doubted not to +make it appear that if I was not so rich as his lordship, I was a +far better Grecian. Calmer thoughts, however, drove this boyish +design out of my mind; for I considered that the bishop was in the +right to counsel an old servant; that he could not have designed +that his advice should be reported to me; and that the same +coarseness of mind which had led Mrs. Betty to repeat the advice at +all, might have coloured it in a way more agreeable to her own style +of thinking than to the actual expressions of the worthy bishop. + +I left the lodgings the very same hour, and this turned out a very +unfortunate occurrence for me, because, living henceforward at inns, +I was drained of my money very rapidly. In a fortnight I was +reduced to short allowance; that is, I could allow myself only one +meal a day. From the keen appetite produced by constant exercise +and mountain air, acting on a youthful stomach, I soon began to +suffer greatly on this slender regimen, for the single meal which I +could venture to order was coffee or tea. Even this, however, was +at length withdrawn; and afterwards, so long as I remained in Wales, +I subsisted either on blackberries, hips, haws, &c., or on the +casual hospitalities which I now and then received in return for +such little services as I had an opportunity of rendering. +Sometimes I wrote letters of business for cottagers who happened to +have relatives in Liverpool or in London; more often I wrote love- +letters to their sweethearts for young women who had lived as +servants at Shrewsbury or other towns on the English border. On all +such occasions I gave great satisfaction to my humble friends, and +was generally treated with hospitality; and once in particular, near +the village of Llan-y-styndw (or some such name), in a sequestered +part of Merionethshire, I was entertained for upwards of three days +by a family of young people with an affectionate and fraternal +kindness that left an impression upon my heart not yet impaired. +The family consisted at that time of four sisters and three +brothers, all grown up, and all remarkable for elegance and delicacy +of manners. So much beauty, and so much native good breeding and +refinement, I do not remember to have seen before or since in any +cottage, except once or twice in Westmoreland and Devonshire. They +spoke English, an accomplishment not often met with in so many +members of one family, especially in villages remote from the high +road. Here I wrote, on my first introduction, a letter about prize- +money, for one of the brothers, who had served on board an English +man-of-war; and, more privately, two love-letters for two of the +sisters. They were both interesting-looking girls, and one of +uncommon loveliness. In the midst of their confusion and blushes, +whilst dictating, or rather giving me general instructions, it did +not require any great penetration to discover that what they wished +was that their letters should be as kind as was consistent with +proper maidenly pride. I contrived so to temper my expressions as +to reconcile the gratification of both feelings; and they were as +much pleased with the way in which I had expressed their thoughts as +(in their simplicity) they were astonished at my having so readily +discovered them. The reception one meets with from the women of a +family generally determines the tenor of one's whole entertainment. +In this case I had discharged my confidential duties as secretary so +much to the general satisfaction, perhaps also amusing them with my +conversation, that I was pressed to stay with a cordiality which I +had little inclination to resist. I slept with the brothers, the +only unoccupied bed standing in the apartment of the young women; +but in all other points they treated me with a respect not usually +paid to purses as light as mine--as if my scholarship were +sufficient evidence that I was of "gentle blood." Thus I lived with +them for three days and great part of a fourth; and, from the +undiminished kindness which they continued to show me, I believe I +might have stayed with them up to this time, if their power had +corresponded with their wishes. On the last morning, however, I +perceived upon their countenances, as they sate at breakfast, the +expression of some unpleasant communication which was at hand; and +soon after, one of the brothers explained to me that their parents +had gone, the day before my arrival, to an annual meeting of +Methodists, held at Carnarvon, and were that day expected to return; +"and if they should not be so civil as they ought to be," he begged, +on the part of all the young people, that I would not take it amiss. +The parents returned with churlish faces, and "Dym Sassenach" (no +English) in answer to all my addresses. I saw how matters stood; +and so, taking an affectionate leave of my kind and interesting +young hosts, I went my way; for, though they spoke warmly to their +parents in my behalf, and often excused the manner of the old people +by saying it was "only their way," yet I easily understood that my +talent for writing love-letters would do as little to recommend me +with two grave sexagenarian Welsh Methodists as my Greek sapphics or +alcaics; and what had been hospitality when offered to me with the +gracious courtesy of my young friends, would become charity when +connected with the harsh demeanour of these old people. Certainly, +Mr. Shelley is right in his notions about old age: unless +powerfully counteracted by all sorts of opposite agencies, it is a +miserable corrupter and blighter to the genial charities of the +human heart. + +Soon after this I contrived, by means which I must omit for want of +room, to transfer myself to London. And now began the latter and +fiercer stage of my long sufferings; without using a +disproportionate expression I might say, of my agony. For I now +suffered, for upwards of sixteen weeks, the physical anguish of +hunger in. I various degrees of intensity, but as bitter perhaps as +ever any human being can have suffered who has survived it would not +needlessly harass my reader's feelings by a detail of all that I +endured; for extremities such as these, under any circumstances of +heaviest misconduct or guilt, cannot be contemplated, even in +description, without a rueful pity that is painful to the natural +goodness of the human heart. Let it suffice, at least on this +occasion, to say that a few fragments of bread from the breakfast- +table of one individual (who supposed me to be ill, but did not know +of my being in utter want), and these at uncertain intervals, +constituted my whole support. During the former part of my +sufferings (that is, generally in Wales, and always for the first +two months in London) I was houseless, and very seldom slept under a +roof. To this constant exposure to the open air I ascribe it +mainly that I did not sink under my torments. Latterly, however, +when colder and more inclement weather came on, and when, from the +length of m sufferings, I had begun to sink into a more languishing +condition, it was no doubt fortunate for me that the same person to +whose breakfast-table I had access, allowed me to sleep in a large +unoccupied house of which he was tenant. Unoccupied I call it, for +there was no household or establishment in it; nor any furniture, +indeed, except a table and a few chairs. But I found, on taking +possession of my new quarters, that the house already contained one +single inmate, a poor friendless child, apparently ten years old; +but she seemed hunger-bitten, and sufferings of that sort often make +children look older than they are. From this forlorn child I +learned that she had slept and lived there alone for some time +before I came; and great joy the poor creature expressed when she +found that I was in future to be her companion through the hours of +darkness. The house was large, and, from the want of furniture, the +noise of the rats made a prodigious echoing on the spacious +staircase and hall; and amidst the real fleshly ills of cold and, I +fear, hunger, the forsaken child had found leisure to suffer still +more (it appeared) from the self-created one of ghosts. I promised +her protection against all ghosts whatsoever, but alas! I could +offer her no other assistance. We lay upon the floor, with a bundle +of cursed law papers for a pillow, but with no other covering than a +sort of large horseman's cloak; afterwards, however, we discovered +in a garret an old sofa-cover, a small piece of rug, and some +fragments of other articles, which added a little to our warmth. +The poor child crept close to me for warmth, and for security +against her ghostly enemies. When I was not more than usually ill I +took her into my arms, so that in general she was tolerably warm, +and often slept when I could not, for during the last two months of +my sufferings I slept much in daytime, and was apt to fall into +transient dosings at all hours. But my sleep distressed me more +than my watching, for beside the tumultuousness of my dreams (which +were only not so awful as those which I shall have to describe +hereafter as produced by opium), my sleep was never more than what +is called DOG-SLEEP; so that I could hear myself moaning, and was +often, as it seemed to me, awakened suddenly by my own voice; and +about this time a hideous sensation began to haunt me as soon as I +fell into a slumber, which has since returned upon me at different +periods of my life--viz., a sort of twitching (I know not where, but +apparently about the region of the stomach) which compelled me +violently to throw out my feet for the sake of relieving it. This +sensation coming on as soon as I began to sleep, and the effort to +relieve it constantly awaking me, at length I slept only from +exhaustion; and from increasing weakness (as I said before) I was +constantly falling asleep and constantly awaking. Meantime, the +master of the house sometimes came in upon us suddenly, and very +early; sometimes not till ten o'clock, sometimes not at all. He was +in constant fear of bailiffs. Improving on the plan of Cromwell, +every night he slept in a different quarter of London; and I +observed that he never failed to examine through a private window +the appearance of those who knocked at the door before he would +allow it to be opened. He breaksfasted alone; indeed, his tea +equipage would hardly have admitted of his hazarding an invitation +to a second person, any more than the quantity of esculent materiel, +which for the most part was little more than a roll or a few +biscuits which he had bought on his road from the place where he had +slept. Or, if he HAD asked a party--as I once learnedly and +facetiously observed to him--the several members of it must have +STOOD in the relation to each other (not SATE in any relation +whatever) of succession, as the metaphysicians have it, and not of a +coexistence; in the relation of the parts of time, and not of the +parts of space. During his breakfast I generally contrived a reason +for lounging in, and, with an air of as much indifference as I could +assume, took up such fragments as he had left; sometimes, indeed, +there were none at all. In doing this I committed no robbery except +upon the man himself, who was thus obliged (I believe) now and then +to send out at noon for an extra biscuit; for as to the poor child, +SHE was never admitted into his study (if I may give that name to +his chief depository of parchments, law writings, &c.); that room +was to her the Bluebeard room of the house, being regularly locked +on his departure to dinner, about six o'clock, which usually was his +final departure for the night. Whether this child were an +illegitimate daughter of Mr. -, or only a servant, I could not +ascertain; she did not herself know; but certainly she was treated +altogether as a menial servant. No sooner did Mr.--make his +appearance than she went below stairs, brushed his shoes, coat, &c.; +and, except when she was summoned to run an errand, she never +emerged from the dismal Tartarus of the kitchen, &c., to the upper +air until my welcome knock at night called up her little trembling +footsteps to the front door. Of her life during the daytime, +however, I knew little but what I gathered from her own account at +night, for as soon as the hours of business commenced I saw that my +absence would be acceptable, and in general, therefore, I went off +and sate in the parks or elsewhere until nightfall. + +But who and what, meantime, was the master of the house himself? +Reader, he was one of those anomalous practitioners in lower +departments of the law who--what shall I say?--who on prudential +reasons, or from necessity, deny themselves all indulgence in the +luxury of too delicate a conscience, (a periphrasis which might be +abridged considerably, but THAT I leave to the reader's taste): in +many walks of life a conscience is a more expensive encumbrance than +a wife or a carriage; and just as people talk of "laying down" their +carriages, so I suppose my friend Mr.--had "laid down" his +conscience for a time, meaning, doubtless, to resume it as soon as +he could afford it. The inner economy of such a man's daily life +would present a most strange picture, if I could allow myself to +amuse the reader at his expense. Even with my limited opportunities +for observing what went on, I saw many scenes of London intrigues +and complex chicanery, "cycle and epicycle, orb in orb," at which I +sometimes smile to this day, and at which I smiled then, in spite of +my misery. My situation, however, at that time gave me little +experience in my own person of any qualities in Mr. -'s character +but such as did him honour; and of his whole strange composition I +must forget everything but that towards me he was obliging, and to +the extent of his power, generous. + +That power was not, indeed, very extensive; however, in common with +the rats, I sate rent free; and as Dr. Johnson has recorded that he +never but once in his life had as much wall-fruit as he could eat, +so let me be grateful that on that single occasion I had as large a +choice of apartments in a London mansion as I could possibly desire. +Except the Bluebeard room, which the poor child believed to be +haunted, all others, from the attics to the cellars, were at our +service; "the world was all before us," and we pitched our tent for +the night in any spot we chose. This house I have already described +as a large one; it stands in a conspicuous situation and in a well- +known part of London. Many of my readers will have passed it, I +doubt not, within a few hours of reading this. For myself, I never +fail to visit it when business draws me to London; about ten o'clock +this very night, August 15, 1821--being my birthday--I turned aside +from my evening walk down Oxford Street, purposely to take a glance +at it; it is now occupied by a respectable family, and by the lights +in the front drawing-room I observed a domestic party assembled, +perhaps at tea, and apparently cheerful and gay. Marvellous +contrast, in my eyes, to the darkness, cold, silence, and desolation +of that same house eighteen years ago, when its nightly occupants +were one famishing scholar and a neglected child. Her, by-the-bye, +in after-years I vainly endeavoured to trace. Apart from her +situation, she was not what would be called an interesting child; +she was neither pretty, nor quick in understanding, nor remarkably +pleasing in manners. But, thank God! even in those years I needed +not the embellishments of novel accessories to conciliate my +affections: plain human nature, in its humblest and most homely +apparel, was enough for me, and I loved the child because she was my +partner in wretchedness. If she is now living she is probably a +mother, with children of her own; but, as I have said, I could never +trace her. + +This I regret; but another person there was at that time whom I have +since sought to trace with far deeper earnestness, and with far +deeper sorrow at my failure. This person was a young woman, and one +of that unhappy class who subsist upon the wages of prostitution. I +feel no shame, nor have any reason to feel it, in avowing that I was +then on familiar and friendly terms with many women in that +unfortunate condition. The reader needs neither smile at this +avowal nor frown; for, not to remind my classical readers of the old +Latin proverb, "Sine cerere," &c., it may well be supposed that in +the existing state of my purse my connection with such women could +not have been an impure one. But the truth is, that at no time of +my life have I been a person to hold myself polluted by the touch or +approach of any creature that wore a human shape; on the contrary, +from my very earliest youth it has been my pride to converse +familiarly, MORE SOCRATIO, with all human beings, man, woman, and +child, that chance might fling in my way; a practice which is +friendly to the knowledge of human nature, to good feelings, and to +that frankness of address which becomes a man who would be thought a +philosopher. For a philosopher should not see with the eyes of the +poor limitary creature calling himself a man of the world, and +filled with narrow and self-regarding prejudices of birth and +education, but should look upon himself as a catholic creature, and +as standing in equal relation to high and low, to educated and +uneducated, to the guilty and the innocent. Being myself at that +time of necessity a peripatetic, or a walker of the streets, I +naturally fell in more frequently with those female peripatetics who +are technically called street-walkers. Many of these women had +occasionally taken my part against watchmen who wished to drive me +off the steps of houses where I was sitting. But one amongst them, +the one on whose account I have at all introduced this subject--yet +no! let me not class the, oh! noble-minded Ann--with that order of +women. Let me find, if it be possible, some gentler name to +designate the condition of her to whose bounty and compassion, +ministering to my necessities when all the world had forsaken me, I +owe it that I am at this time alive. For many weeks I had walked at +nights with this poor friendless girl up and down Oxford Street, or +had rested with her on steps and under the shelter of porticoes. +She could not be so old as myself; she told me, indeed, that she had +not completed her sixteenth year. By such questions as my interest +about her prompted I had gradually drawn forth her simple history. +Hers was a case of ordinary occurrence (as I have since had reason +to think), and one in which, if London beneficence had better +adapted its arrangements to meet it, the power of the law might +oftener be interposed to protect and to avenge. But the stream of +London charity flows in a channel which, though deep and mighty, is +yet noiseless and underground; not obvious or readily accessible to +poor houseless wanderers; and it cannot be denied that the outside +air and framework of London society is harsh, cruel, and repulsive. +In any case, however, I saw that part of her injuries might easily +have been redressed, and I urged her often and earnestly to lay her +complaint before a magistrate. Friendless as she was, I assured her +that she would meet with immediate attention, and that English +justice, which was no respecter of persons, would speedily and amply +avenge her on the brutal ruffian who had plundered her little +property. She promised me often that she would, but she delayed +taking the steps I pointed out from time to time, for she was timid +and dejected to a degree which showed how deeply sorrow had taken +hold of her young heart; and perhaps she thought justly that the +most upright judge and the most righteous tribunals could do nothing +to repair her heaviest wrongs. Something, however, would perhaps +have been done, for it had been settled between us at length, but +unhappily on the very last time but one that I was ever to see her, +that in a day or two we should go together before a magistrate, and +that I should speak on her behalf. This little service it was +destined, however, that I should never realise. Meantime, that +which she rendered to me, and which was greater than I could ever +have repaid her, was this:- One night, when we were pacing slowly +along Oxford Street, and after a day when I had felt more than +usually ill and faint, I requested her to turn off with me into Soho +Square. Thither we went, and we sat down on the steps of a house, +which to this hour I never pass without a pang of grief and an inner +act of homage to the spirit of that unhappy girl, in memory of the +noble action which she there performed. Suddenly, as we sate, I +grew much worse. I had been leaning my head against her bosom, and +all at once I sank from her arms and fell backwards on the steps. +From the sensations I then had, I felt an inner conviction of the +liveliest kind, that without some powerful and reviving stimulus I +should either have died on the spot, or should at least have sunk to +a point of exhaustion from which all reascent under my friendless +circumstances would soon have become hopeless. Then it was, at this +crisis of my fate, that my poor orphan companion, who had herself +met with little but injuries in this world, stretched out a saving +hand to me. Uttering a cry of terror, but without a moment's delay, +she ran off into Oxford Street, and in less time than could be +imagined returned to me with a glass of port wine and spices, that +acted upon my empty stomach, which at that time would have rejected +all solid food, with an instantaneous power of restoration; and for +this glass the generous girl without a murmur paid out of her humble +purse at a time--be it remembered!--when she had scarcely +wherewithal to purchase the bare necessaries of life, and when she +could have no reason to expect that I should ever be able to +reimburse her. + +Oh, youthful benefactress! how often in succeeding years, standing +in solitary places, and thinking of thee with grief of heart and +perfect love--how often have I wished that, as in ancient times, the +curse of a father was believed to have a supernatural power, and to +pursue its object with a fatal necessity of self-fulfilment; even so +the benediction of a heart oppressed with gratitude might have a +like prerogative, might have power given to it from above to chase, +to haunt, to waylay, to overtake, to pursue thee into the central +darkness of a London brothel, or (if it were possible) into the +darkness of the grave, there to awaken thee with an authentic +message of peace and forgiveness, and of final reconciliation! + +I do not often weep: for not only do my thoughts on subjects +connected with the chief interests of man daily, nay hourly, descend +a thousand fathoms "too deep for tears;" not only does the sternness +of my habits of thought present an antagonism to the feelings which +prompt tears--wanting of necessity to those who, being protected +usually by their levity from any tendency to meditative sorrow, +would by that same levity be made incapable of resisting it on any +casual access of such feelings; but also, I believe that all minds +which have contemplated such objects as deeply as I have done, must, +for their own protection from utter despondency, have early +encouraged and cherished some tranquillising belief as to the future +balances and the hieroglyphic meanings of human sufferings. On +these accounts I am cheerful to this hour, and, as I have said, I do +not often weep. Yet some feelings, though not deeper or more +passionate, are more tender than others; and often, when I walk at +this time in Oxford Street by dreamy lamplight, and hear those airs +played on a barrel-organ which years ago solaced me and my dear +companion (as I must always call her), I shed tears, and muse with +myself at the mysterious dispensation which so suddenly and so +critically separated us for ever. How it happened the reader will +understand from what remains of this introductory narration. + +Soon after the period of the last incident I have recorded I met in +Albemarle Street a gentleman of his late Majesty's household. This +gentleman had received hospitalities on different occasions from my +family, and he challenged me upon the strength of my family +likeness. I did not attempt any disguise; I answered his questions +ingenuously, and, on his pledging his word of honour that he would +not betray me to my guardians, I gave him an address to my friend +the attorney's. The next day I received from him a 10 pound bank- +note. The letter enclosing it was delivered with other letters of +business to the attorney, but though his look and manner informed me +that he suspected its contents, he gave it up to me honourably and +without demur. + +This present, from the particular service to which it was applied, +leads me naturally to speak of the purpose which had allured me up +to London, and which I had been (to use a forensic word) soliciting +from the first day of my arrival in London to that of my final +departure. + +In so mighty a world as London it will surprise my readers that I +should not have found some means of starving off the last +extremities, of penury; and it will strike them that two resources +at least must have been open to me--viz., either to seek assistance +from the friends of my family, or to turn my youthful talents and +attainments into some channel of pecuniary emolument. As to the +first course, I may observe generally, that what I dreaded beyond +all other evils was the chance of being reclaimed by my guardians; +not doubting that whatever power the law gave them would have been +enforced against me to the utmost--that is, to the extremity of +forcibly restoring me to the school which I had quitted, a +restoration which, as it would in my eyes have been a dishonour, +even if submitted to voluntarily, could not fail, when extorted from +me in contempt and defiance of my own wishes and efforts, to have +been a humiliation worse to me than death, and which would indeed +have terminated in death. I was therefore shy enough of applying +for assistance even in those quarters where I was sure of receiving +it, at the risk of furnishing my guardians with any clue of +recovering me. But as to London in particular, though doubtless my +father had in his lifetime had many friends there, yet (as ten years +had passed since his death) I remembered few of them even by name; +and never having seen London before, except once for a few hours, I +knew not the address of even those few. To this mode of gaining +help, therefore, in part the difficulty, but much more the paramount +fear which I have mentioned, habitually indisposed me. In regard to +the other mode, I now feel half inclined to join my reader in +wondering that I should have overlooked it. As a corrector of Greek +proofs (if in no other way) I might doubtless have gained enough for +my slender wants. Such an office as this I could have discharged +with an exemplary and punctual accuracy that would soon have gained +me the confidence of my employers. But it must not be forgotten +that, even for such an office as this, it was necessary that I +should first of all have an introduction to some respectable +publisher, and this I had no means of obtaining. To say the truth, +however, it had never once occurred to me to think of literary +labours as a source of profit. No mode sufficiently speedy of +obtaining money had ever occurred to me but that of borrowing it on +the strength of my future claims and expectations. This mode I +sought by every avenue to compass; and amongst other persons I +applied to a Jew named D- {4} + +To this Jew, and to other advertising money-lenders (some of whom +were, I believe, also Jews), I had introduced myself with an account +of my expectations; which account, on examining my father's will at +Doctors' Commons, they had ascertained to be correct. The person +there mentioned as the second son of--was found to have all the +claims (or more than all) that I had stated; but one question still +remained, which the faces of the Jews pretty significantly +suggested--was I that person? This doubt had never occurred to me +as a possible one; I had rather feared, whenever my Jewish friends +scrutinised me keenly, that I might be too well known to be that +person, and that some scheme might be passing in their minds for +entrapping me and selling me to my guardians. It was strange to me +to find my own self materialiter considered (so I expressed it, for +I doated on logical accuracy of distinctions), accused, or at least +suspected, of counterfeiting my own self formaliter considered. +However, to satisfy their scruples, I took the only course in my +power. Whilst I was in Wales I had received various letters from +young friends these I produced, for I carried them constantly in my +pocket, being, indeed, by this time almost the only relics of my +personal encumbrances (excepting the clothes I wore) which I had not +in one way or other disposed of. Most of these letters were from +the Earl of -, who was at that time my chief (or rather only) +confidential friend. These letters were dated from Eton. I had +also some from the Marquis of -, his father, who, though absorbed in +agricultural pursuits, yet having been an Etonian himself, and as +good a scholar as a nobleman needs to be, still retained an +affection for classical studies and for youthful scholars. He had +accordingly, from the time that I was fifteen, corresponded with me; +sometimes upon the great improvements which he had made or was +meditating in the counties of M- and Sl- since I had been there, +sometimes upon the merits of a Latin poet, and at other times +suggesting subjects to me on which he wished me to write verses. + +On reading the letters, one of my Jewish friends agreed to furnish +me with two or three hundred pounds on my personal security, +provided I could persuade the young Earl--who was, by the way, not +older than myself--to guarantee the payment on our coming of age; +the Jew's final object being, as I now suppose, not the trifling +profit he could expect to make by me, but the prospect of +establishing a connection with my noble friend, whose immense +expectations were well known to him. In pursuance of this proposal +on the part of the Jew, about eight or nine days after I had +received the 10 pounds, I prepared to go down to Eton. Nearly 3 +pounds of the money I had given to my money-lending friend, on his +alleging that the stamps must be bought, in order that the writings +might be preparing whilst I was away from London. I thought in my +heart that he was lying; but I did not wish to give him any excuse +for charging his own delays upon me. A smaller sum I had given to +my friend the attorney (who was connected with the money-lenders as +their lawyer), to which, indeed, he was entitled for his unfurnished +lodgings. About fifteen shillings I had employed in re-establishing +(though in a very humble way) my dress. Of the remainder I gave one +quarter to Ann, meaning on my return to have divided with her +whatever might remain. These arrangements made, soon after six +o'clock on a dark winter evening I set off, accompanied by Ann, +towards Piccadilly; for it was my intention to go down as far as +Salthill on the Bath or Bristol mail. Our course lay through a part +of the town which has now all disappeared, so that I can no longer +retrace its ancient boundaries--Swallow Street, I think it was +called. Having time enough before us, however, we bore away to the +left until we came into Golden Square; there, near the corner of +Sherrard Street, we sat down, not wishing to part in the tumult and +blaze of Piccadilly. I had told her of my plans some time before, +and I now assured her again that she should share in my good +fortune, if I met with any, and that I would never forsake her as +soon as I had power to protect her. This I fully intended, as much +from inclination as from a sense of duty; for setting aside +gratitude, which in any case must have made me her debtor for life, +I loved her as affectionately as if she had been my sister; and at +this moment with sevenfold tenderness, from pity at witnessing her +extreme dejection. I had apparently most reason for dejection, +because I was leaving the saviour of my life; yet I, considering the +shock my health had received, was cheerful and full of hope. She, +on the contrary, who was parting with one who had had little means +of serving her, except by kindness and brotherly treatment, was +overcome by sorrow; so that, when I kissed her at our final +farewell, she put her arms about my neck and wept without speaking a +word. I hoped to return in a week at farthest, and I agreed with +her that on the fifth night from that, and every night afterwards, +she would wait for me at six o'clock near the bottom of Great +Titchfield Street, which had been our customary haven, as it were, +of rendezvous, to prevent our missing each other in the great +Mediterranean of Oxford Street. This and other measures of +precaution I took; one only I forgot. She had either never told me, +or (as a matter of no great interest) I had forgotten her surname. +It is a general practice, indeed, with girls of humble rank in her +unhappy condition, not (as novel-reading women of higher +pretensions) to style themselves Miss Douglas, Miss Montague, &c., +but simply by their Christian names--Mary, Jane, Frances, &c. Her +surname, as the surest means of tracing her hereafter, I ought now +to have inquired; but the truth is, having no reason to think that +our meeting could, in consequence of a short interruption, be more +difficult or uncertain than it had been for so many weeks, I had +scarcely for a moment adverted to it as necessary, or placed it +amongst my memoranda against this parting interview; and my final +anxieties being spent in comforting her with hopes, and in pressing +upon her the necessity of getting some medicines for a violent cough +and hoarseness with which she was troubled, I wholly forgot it until +it was too late to recall her. + +It was past eight o'clock when I reached the Gloucester Coffee- +house, and the Bristol mail being on the point of going off, I +mounted on the outside. The fine fluent motion {5} of this mail +soon laid me asleep: it is somewhat remarkable that the first easy +or refreshing sleep which I had enjoyed for some months, was on the +outside of a mail-coach--a bed which at this day I find rather an +uneasy one. Connected with this sleep was a little incident which +served, as hundreds of others did at that time, to convince me how +easily a man who has never been in any great distress may pass +through life without knowing, in his own person at least, anything +of the possible goodness of the human heart--or, as I must add with +a sigh, of its possible vileness. So thick a curtain of MANNERS is +drawn over the features and expression of men's NATURES, that to the +ordinary observer the two extremities, and the infinite field of +varieties which lie between them, are all confounded; the vast and +multitudinous compass of their several harmonies reduced to the +meagre outline of differences expressed in the gamut or alphabet of +elementary sounds. The case was this: for the first four or five +miles from London I annoyed my fellow-passenger on the roof by +occasionally falling against him when the coach gave a lurch to his: +side; and indeed, if the road had been less smooth and level than it +is, I should have fallen off from weakness. Of this annoyance he +complained heavily, as perhaps, in the same circumstances, most +people would; he expressed his complaint, however, more morosely +than the occasion seemed to warrant, and if I had parted with him at +that moment I should have thought of him (if I had considered it +worth while to think of him at all) as a surly and almost brutal +fellow. However, I was conscious that I had given him some cause +for complaint, and therefore I apologized to him, and assured him I +would do what I could to avoid falling asleep for the future; and at +the same time, in as few words as possible, I explained to him that +I was ill and in a weak state from long suffering, and that I could +not afford at that time to take an inside place. This man's manner +changed, upon hearing this explanation, in an instant; and when I +next woke for a minute from the noise and lights of Hounslow (for in +spite of my wishes and efforts I had fallen asleep again within two +minutes from the time I had spoken to him) I found that he had put +his arm round me to protect me from falling off, and for the rest of +my journey he behaved to me with the gentleness of a woman, so that +at length I almost lay in his arms; and this was the more kind, as +he could not have known that I was not going the whole way to Bath +or Bristol. Unfortunately, indeed, I DID go rather farther than I +intended, for so genial and so refreshing was my sleep, that the +next time after leaving Hounslow that I fully awoke was upon the +sudden pulling up of the mail (possibly at a post-office), and on +inquiry I found that we had reached Maidenhead--six or seven miles, +I think, ahead of Salthill. Here I alighted, and for the half- +minute that the mail stopped I was entreated by my friendly +companion (who, from the transient glimpse I had had of him in +Piccadilly, seemed to me to be a gentleman's butler, or person of +that rank) to go to bed without delay. This I promised, though with +no intention of doing so; and in fact I immediately set forward, or +rather backward, on foot. It must then have been nearly midnight, +but so slowly did I creep along that I heard a clock in a cottage +strike four before I turned down the lane from Slough to Eton. The +air and the sleep had both refreshed me; but I was weary +nevertheless. I remember a thought (obvious enough, and which has +been prettily expressed by a Roman poet) which gave me some +consolation at that moment under my poverty. There had been some +time before a murder committed on or near Hounslow Heath. I think I +cannot be mistaken when I say that the name of the murdered person +was STEELE, and that he was the owner of a lavender plantation in +that neighbourhood. Every step of my progress was bringing me +nearer to the Heath, and it naturally occurred to me that I and the +accused murderer, if he were that night abroad, might at every +instant be unconsciously approaching each other through the +darkness; in which case, said I--supposing I, instead of being (as +indeed I am) little better than an outcast - + + +Lord of my learning, and no land beside - + + +were, like my friend Lord -, heir by general repute to 70,000 pounds +per annum, what a panic should I be under at this moment about my +throat! Indeed, it was not likely that Lord--should ever be in my +situation. But nevertheless, the spirit of the remark remains true- +-that vast power and possessions make a man shamefully afraid of +dying; and I am convinced that many of the most intrepid +adventurers, who, by fortunately being poor, enjoy the full use of +their natural courage, would, if at the very instant of going into +action news were brought to them that they had unexpectedly +succeeded to an estate in England of 50,000 pounds a-year, feel +their dislike to bullets considerably sharpened, {6} and their +efforts at perfect equanimity and self-possession proportionably +difficult. So true it is, in the language of a wise man whose own +experience had made him acquainted with both fortunes, that riches +are better fitted + + +To slacken virtue, and abate her edge, +Than tempt her to do ought may merit praise. +Paradise Regained. + + +I dally with my subject because, to myself, the remembrance of these +times is profoundly interesting. But my reader shall not have any +further cause to complain, for I now hasten to its close. In the +road between Slough and Eton I fell asleep, and just as the morning +began to dawn I was awakened by the voice of a man standing over me +and surveying me. I know not what he was: he was an ill-looking +fellow, but not therefore of necessity an ill-meaning fellow; or, if +he were, I suppose he thought that no person sleeping out-of-doors +in winter could be worth robbing. In which conclusion, however, as +it regarded myself, I beg to assure him, if he should be among my +readers, that he was mistaken. After a slight remark he passed on; +and I was not sorry at his disturbance, as it enabled me to pass +through Eton before people were generally up. The night had been +heavy and lowering, but towards the morning it had changed to a +slight frost, and the ground and the trees were now covered with +rime. I slipped through Eton unobserved; washed myself, and as far +as possible adjusted my dress, at a little public-house in Windsor; +and about eight o'clock went down towards Pote's. On my road I met +some junior boys, of whom I made inquiries. An Etonian is always a +gentleman; and, in spite of my shabby habiliments, they answered me +civilly. My friend Lord--was gone to the University of -. "Ibi +omnis effusus labor!" I had, however, other friends at Eton; but it +is not to all that wear that name in prosperity that a man is +willing to present himself in distress. On recollecting myself, +however, I asked for the Earl of D-, to whom (though my acquaintance +with him was not so intimate as with some others) I should not have +shrunk from presenting myself under any circumstances. He was still +at Eton, though I believe on the wing for Cambridge. I called, was +received kindly, and asked to breakfast. + +Here let me stop for a moment to check my reader from any erroneous +conclusions. Because I have had occasion incidentally to speak of +various patrician friends, it must not be supposed that I have +myself any pretension to rank and high blood. I thank God that I +have not. I am the son of a plain English merchant, esteemed during +his life for his great integrity, and strongly attached to literary +pursuits (indeed, he was himself, anonymously, an author). If he +had lived it was expected that he would have been very rich; but +dying prematurely, he left no more than about 30,000 pounds amongst +seven different claimants. My mother I may mention with honour, as +still more highly gifted; for though unpretending to the name and +honours of a LITERARY woman, I shall presume to call her (what many +literary women are not) an INTELLECTUAL woman; and I believe that if +ever her letters should be collected and published, they would be +thought generally to exhibit as much strong and masculine sense, +delivered in as pure "mother English," racy and fresh with idiomatic +graces, as any in our language--hardly excepting those of Lady M. W. +Montague. These are my honours of descent, I have no other; and I +have thanked God sincerely that I have not, because, in my judgment, +a station which raises a man too eminently above the level of his +fellow-creatures is not the most favourable to moral or to +intellectual qualities. + +Lord D- placed before me a most magnificent breakfast. It was +really so; but in my eyes it seemed trebly magnificent, from being +the first regular meal, the first "good man's table," that I had +sate down to for months. Strange to say, however, I could scarce +eat anything. On the day when I first received my 10 pound bank- +note I had gone to a baker's shop and bought a couple of rolls; this +very shop I had two months or six weeks before surveyed with an +eagerness of desire which it was almost humiliating to me to +recollect. I remembered the story about Otway, and feared that +there might be danger in eating too rapidly. But I had no need for +alarm; my appetite was quite sunk, and I became sick before I had +eaten half of what I had bought. This effect from eating what +approached to a meal I continued to feel for weeks; or, when I did +not experience any nausea, part of what I ate was rejected, +sometimes with acidity, sometimes immediately and without any +acidity. On the present occasion, at Lord D-'s table, I found +myself not at all better than usual, and in the midst of luxuries I +had no appetite. I had, however, unfortunately, at all times a +craving for wine; I explained my situation, therefore, to Lord D-, +and gave him a short account of my late sufferings, at which he +expressed great compassion, and called for wine. This gave me a +momentary relief and pleasure; and on all occasions when I had an +opportunity I never failed to drink wine, which I worshipped then as +I have since worshipped opium. I am convinced, however, that this +indulgence in wine contributed to strengthen my malady, for the tone +of my stomach was apparently quite sunk, and by a better regimen it +might sooner, and perhaps effectually, have been revived. I hope +that it was not from this love of wine that I lingered in the +neighbourhood of my Eton friends; I persuaded myself then that it +was from reluctance to ask of Lord D-, on whom I was conscious I had +not sufficient claims, the particular service in quest of which I +had come down to Eton. I was, however unwilling to lose my journey, +and--I asked it. Lord D-, whose good nature was unbounded, and +which, in regard to myself, had been measured rather by his +compassion perhaps for my condition, and his knowledge of my +intimacy with some of his relatives, than by an over-rigorous +inquiry into the extent of my own direct claims, faltered, +nevertheless, at this request. He acknowledged that he did not like +to have any dealings with money-lenders, and feared lest such a +transaction might come to the ears of his connexions. Moreover, he +doubted whether HIS signature, whose expectations were so much more +bounded than those of -, would avail with my unchristian friends. +However, he did not wish, as it seemed, to mortify me by an absolute +refusal; for after a little consideration he promised, under certain +conditions which he pointed out, to give his security. Lord D- was +at this time not eighteen years of age; but I have often doubted, on +recollecting since the good sense and prudence which on this +occasion he mingled with so much urbanity of manner (an urbanity +which in him wore the grace of youthful sincerity), whether any +statesman--the oldest and the most accomplished in diplomacy--could +have acquitted himself better under the same circumstances. Most +people, indeed, cannot be addressed on such a business without +surveying you with looks as austere and unpropitious as those of a +Saracen's head. + +Recomforted by this promise, which was not quite equal to the best +but far above the worst that I had pictured to myself as possible, I +returned in a Windsor coach to London three days after I had quitted +it. And now I come to the end of my story. The Jews did not +approve of Lord D-'s terms; whether they would in the end have +acceded to them, and were only seeking time for making due +inquiries, I know not; but many delays were made, time passed on, +the small fragment of my bank-note had just melted away, and before +any conclusion could have been put to the business I must have +relapsed into my former state of wretchedness. Suddenly, however, +at this crisis, an opening was made, almost by accident, for +reconciliation with my friends; I quitted London in haste for a +remote part of England; after some time I proceeded to the +university, and it was not until many months had passed away that I +had it in my power again to revisit the ground which had become so +interesting to me, and to this day remains so, as the chief scene of +my youthful sufferings. + +Meantime, what had become of poor Ann? For her I have reserved my +concluding words. According to our agreement, I sought her daily, +and waited for her every night, so long as I stayed in London, at +the corner of Titchfield Street. I inquired for her of every one +who was likely to know her, and during the last hours of my stay in +London I put into activity every means of tracing her that my +knowledge of London suggested and the limited extent of my power +made possible. The street where she had lodged I knew, but not the +house; and I remembered at last some account which she had given me +of ill-treatment from her landlord, which made it probable that she +had quitted those lodgings before we parted. She had few +acquaintances; most people, besides, thought that the earnestness of +my inquiries arose from motives which moved their laughter or their +slight regard; and others, thinking I was in chase of a girl who had +robbed me of some trifles, were naturally and excusably indisposed +to give me any clue to her, if indeed they had any to give. Finally +as my despairing resource, on the day I left London I put into the +hands of the only person who (I was sure) must know Ann by sight, +from having been in company with us once or twice, an address to -, +in -shire, at that time the residence of my family. But to this +hour I have never heard a syllable about her. This, amongst such +troubles as most men meet with in this life, has been my heaviest +affliction. If she lived, doubtless we must have been some time in +search of each other, at the very same moment, through the mighty +labyrinths of London; perhaps even within a few feet of each other-- +a barrier no wider than a London street often amounting in the end +to a separation for eternity! During some years I hoped that she +DID live; and I suppose that, in the literal and unrhetorical use of +the word MYRIAD, I may say that on my different visits to London I +have looked into many, many myriads of female faces, in the hope of +meeting her. I should know her again amongst a thousand, if I saw +her for a moment; for though not handsome, she had a sweet +expression of countenance and a peculiar and graceful carriage of +the head. I sought her, I have said, in hope. So it was for years; +but now I should fear to see her; and her cough, which grieved me +when I parted with her, is now my consolation. I now wish to see +her no longer; but think of her, more gladly, as one long since laid +in the grave--in the grave, I would hope, of a Magdalen; taken away, +before injuries and cruelty had blotted out and transfigured her +ingenuous nature, or the brutalities of ruffians had completed the +ruin they had begun. + +[The remainder of this very interesting article will be given in the +next number.--ED.] + + + + +PART II + + + + +From the London Magazine for October 1821. + +So then, Oxford Street, stony-hearted step-mother! thou that +listenest to the sighs of orphans and drinkest the tears of +children, at length I was dismissed from thee; the time was come at +last that I no more should pace in anguish thy never-ending +terraces, no more should dream and wake in captivity to the pangs of +hunger. Successors too many, to myself and Ann, have doubtless +since then trodden in our footsteps, inheritors of our calamities; +other orphans than Ann have sighed; tears have been shed by other +children; and thou, Oxford Street, hast since doubtless echoed to +the groans of innumerable hearts. For myself, however, the storm +which I had outlived seemed to have been the pledge of a long fair- +weather--the premature sufferings which I had paid down to have been +accepted as a ransom for many years to come, as a price of long +immunity from sorrow; and if again I walked in London a solitary and +contemplative man (as oftentimes I did), I walked for the most part +in serenity and peace of mind. And although it is true that the +calamities of my noviciate in London had struck root so deeply in my +bodily constitution, that afterwards they shot up and flourished +afresh, and grew into a noxious umbrage that has overshadowed and +darkened my latter years, yet these second assaults of suffering +were met with a fortitude more confirmed, with the resources of a +maturer intellect, and with alleviations from sympathising +affection--how deep and tender! + +Thus, however, with whatsoever alleviations, years that were far +asunder were bound together by subtle links of suffering derived +from a common root. And herein I notice an instance of the short- +sightedness of human desires, that oftentimes on moonlight nights, +during my first mournful abode in London, my consolation was (if +such it could be thought) to gaze from Oxford Street up every avenue +in succession which pierces through the heart of Marylebone to the +fields and the woods; for THAT, said I, travelling with my eyes up +the long vistas which lay part in light and part in shade, "THAT is +the road to the North, and therefore to, and if I had the wings of a +dove, THAT way I would fly for comfort." Thus I said, and thus I +wished, in my blindness. Yet even in that very northern region it +was, even in that very valley, nay, in that very house to which my +erroneous wishes pointed, that this second birth of my sufferings +began, and that they again threatened to besiege the citadel of life +and hope. There it was that for years I was persecuted by visions +as ugly, and as ghastly phantoms as ever haunted the couch of an +Orestes; and in this unhappier than he, that sleep, which comes to +all as a respite and a restoration, and to him especially as a +blessed {7} balm for his wounded heart and his haunted brain, +visited me as my bitterest scourge. Thus blind was I in my desires; +yet if a veil interposes between the dim-sightedness of man and his +future calamities, the same veil hides from him their alleviations, +and a grief which had not been feared is met by consolations which +had not been hoped. I therefore, who participated, as it were, in +the troubles of Orestes (excepting only in his agitated conscience), +participated no less in all his supports. My Eumenides, like his, +were at my bed-feet, and stared in upon me through the curtains; but +watching by my pillow, or defrauding herself of sleep to bear me +company through the heavy watches of the night, sate my Electra; for +thou, beloved M., dear companion of my later years, thou wast my +Electra! and neither in nobility of mind nor in long-suffering +affection wouldst permit that a Grecian sister should excel an +English wife. For thou thoughtest not much to stoop to humble +offices of kindness and to servile {8} ministrations of tenderest +affection--to wipe away for years the unwholesome dews upon the +forehead, or to refresh the lips when parched and baked with fever; +nor even when thy own peaceful slumbers had by long sympathy become +infected with the spectacle of my dread contest with phantoms and +shadowy enemies that oftentimes bade me "sleep no more!"--not even +then didst thou utter a complaint or any murmur, nor withdraw thy +angelic smiles, nor shrink from thy service of love, more than +Electra did of old. For she too, though she was a Grecian woman, +and the daughter of the king {9} of men, yet wept sometimes, and hid +her face {10} in her robe. + +But these troubles are past; and thou wilt read records of a period +so dolorous to us both as the legend of some hideous dream that can +return no more. Meantime, I am again in London, and again I pace +the terraces of Oxford Street by night; and oftentimes, when I am +oppressed by anxieties that demand all my philosophy and the comfort +of thy presence to support, and yet remember that I am separated +from thee by three hundred miles and the length of three dreary +months, I look up the streets that run northwards from Oxford +Street, upon moon-light nights, and recollect my youthful +ejaculation of anguish; and remembering that thou art sitting alone +in that same valley, and mistress of that very house to which my +heart turned in its blindness nineteen years ago, I think that, +though blind indeed, and scattered to the winds of late, the +promptings of my heart may yet have had reference to a remoter time, +and may be justified if read in another meaning; and if I could +allow myself to descend again to the impotent wishes of childhood, I +should again say to myself, as I look to the North, "Oh, that I had +the wings of a dove--" and with how just a confidence in thy good +and gracious nature might I add the other half of my early +ejaculation--"And THAT way I would fly for comfort!" + + +THE PLEASURES OF OPIUM + + +It is so long since I first took opium that if it had been a +trifling incident in my life I might have forgotten its date; but +cardinal events are not to be forgotten, and from circumstances +connected with it I remember that it must be referred to the autumn +of 1804. During that season I was in London, having come thither +for the first time since my entrance at college. And my +introduction to opium arose in the following way. From an early age +I had been accustomed to wash my head in cold water at least once a +day: being suddenly seized with toothache, I attributed it to some +relaxation caused by an accidental intermission of that practice, +jumped out of bed, plunged my head into a basin of cold water, and +with hair thus wetted went to sleep. The next morning, as I need +hardly say, I awoke with excruciating rheumatic pains of the head +and face, from which I had hardly any respite for about twenty days. +On the twenty-first day I think it was, and on a Sunday, that I went +out into the streets, rather to run away, if possible, from my +torments, than with any distinct purpose. By accident I met a +college acquaintance, who recommended opium. Opium! dread agent of +unimaginable pleasure and pain! I had heard of it as I had of manna +or of ambrosia, but no further. How unmeaning a sound was it at +that time: what solemn chords does it now strike upon my heart! +what heart-quaking vibrations of sad and happy remembrances! +Reverting for a moment to these, I feel a mystic importance attached +to the minutest circumstances connected with the place and the time +and the man (if man he was) that first laid open to me the Paradise +of Opium-eaters. It was a Sunday afternoon, wet and cheerless: and +a duller spectacle this earth of ours has not to show than a rainy +Sunday in London. My road homewards lay through Oxford Street; and +near "the stately Pantheon" (as Mr. Wordsworth has obligingly called +it) I saw a druggist's shop. The druggist--unconscious minister of +celestial pleasures!--as if in sympathy with the rainy Sunday, +looked dull and stupid, just as any mortal druggist might be +expected to look on a Sunday; and when I asked for the tincture of +opium, he gave it to me as any other man might do, and furthermore, +out of my shilling returned me what seemed to be real copper +halfpence, taken out of a real wooden drawer. Nevertheless, in +spite of such indications of humanity, he has ever since existed in +my mind as the beatific vision of an immortal druggist, sent down to +earth on a special mission to myself. And it confirms me in this +way of considering him, that when I next came up to London I sought +him near the stately Pantheon, and found him not; and thus to me, +who knew not his name (if indeed he had one), he seemed rather to +have vanished from Oxford Street than to have removed in any bodily +fashion. The reader may choose to think of him as possibly no more +than a sublunary druggist; it may be so, but my faith is better--I +believe him to have evanesced, {11} or evaporated. So unwillingly +would I connect any mortal remembrances with that hour, and place, +and creature, that first brought me acquainted with the celestial +drug. + +Arrived at my lodgings, it may be supposed that I lost not a moment +in taking the quantity prescribed. I was necessarily ignorant of +the whole art and mystery of opium-taking, and what I took I took +under every disadvantage. But I took it--and in an hour--oh, +heavens! what a revulsion! what an upheaving, from its lowest +depths, of inner spirit! what an apocalypse of the world within me! +That my pains had vanished was now a trifle in my eyes: this +negative effect wasswallowed up in the immensity of those positive +effects which had opened before me--in the abyss of divine enjoyment +thus suddenly revealed. Here was a panacea, a [Greek text] for all +human woes; here was the secret of happiness, about which +philosophers had disputed for so many ages, at once discovered: +happiness might now be bought for a penny, and carried in the +waistcoat pocket; portable ecstacies might be had corked up in a +pint bottle, and peace of mind could be sent down in gallons by the +mail-coach. But if I talk in this way the reader will think I am +laughing, and I can assure him that nobody will laugh long who deals +much with opium: its pleasures even are of a grave and solemn +complexion, and in his happiest state the opium-eater cannot present +himself in the character of L'Allegro: even then he speaks and +thinks as becomes Il Penseroso. Nevertheless, I have a very +reprehensible way of jesting at times in the midst of my own misery; +and unless when I am checked by some more powerful feelings, I am +afraid I shall be guilty of this indecent practice even in these +annals of suffering or enjoyment. The reader must allow a little to +my infirm nature in this respect; and with a few indulgences of that +sort I shall endeavour to be as grave, if not drowsy, as fits a +theme like opium, so anti-mercurial as it really is, and so drowsy +as it is falsely reputed. + +And first, one word with respect to its bodily effects; for upon all +that has been hitherto written on the subject of opium, whether by +travellers in Turkey (who may plead their privilege of lying as an +old immemorial right), or by professors of medicine, writing ex +cathedra, I have but one emphatic criticism to pronounce--Lies! +lies! lies! I remember once, in passing a book-stall, to have +caught these words from a page of some satiric author: "By this +time I became convinced that the London newspapers spoke truth at +least twice a week, viz., on Tuesday and Saturday, and might safely +be depended upon for--the list of bankrupts." In like manner, I do +by no means deny that some truths have been delivered to the world +in regard to opium. Thus it has been repeatedly affirmed by the +learned that opium is a dusky brown in colour; and this, take +notice, I grant. Secondly, that it is rather dear, which also I +grant, for in my time East Indian opium has been three guineas a +pound, and Turkey eight. And thirdly, that if you eat a good deal +of it, most probably you must--do what is particularly disagreeable +to any man of regular habits, viz., die. {12} These weighty +propositions are, all and singular, true: I cannot gainsay them, +and truth ever was, and will be, commendable. But in these three +theorems I believe we have exhausted the stock of knowledge as yet +accumulated by men on the subject of opium. + +And therefore, worthy doctors, as there seems to be room for further +discoveries, stand aside, and allow me to come forward and lecture +on this matter. + +First, then, it is not so much affirmed as taken for granted, by all +who ever mention opium, formally or incidentally, that it does or +can produce intoxication. Now, reader, assure yourself, meo +perieulo, that no quantity of opium ever did or could intoxicate. +As to the tincture of opium (commonly called laudanum) THAT might +certainly intoxicate if a man could bear to take enough of it; but +why? Because it contains so much proof spirit, and not because it +contains so much opium. But crude opium, I affirm peremptorily, is +incapable of producing any state of body at all resembling that +which is produced by alcohol, and not in DEGREE only incapable, but +even in KIND: it is not in the quantity of its effects merely, but +in the quality, that it differs altogether. The pleasure given by +wine is always mounting and tending to a crisis, after which it +declines; that from opium, when once generated, is stationary for +eight or ten hours: the first, to borrow a technical distinction +from medicine, is a case of acute--the second, the chronic pleasure; +the one is a flame, the other a steady and equable glow. But the +main distinction lies in this, that whereas wine disorders the +mental faculties, opium, on the contrary (if taken in a proper +manner), introduces amongst them the most exquisite order, +legislation, and harmony. Wine robs a man of his self-possession; +opium greatly invigorates it. Wine unsettles and clouds the +judgement, and gives a preternatural brightness and a vivid +exaltation to the contempts and the admirations, the loves and the +hatreds of the drinker; opium, on the contrary, communicates +serenity and equipoise to all the faculties, active or passive, and +with respect to the temper and moral feelings in general it gives +simply that sort of vital warmth which is approved by the judgment, +and which would probably always accompany a bodily constitution of +primeval or antediluvian health. Thus, for instance, opium, like +wine, gives an expansion to the heart and the benevolent affections; +but then, with this remarkable difference, that in the sudden +development of kind-heartedness which accompanies inebriation there +is always more or less of a maudlin character, which exposes it to +the contempt of the bystander. Men shake hands, swear eternal +friendship, and shed tears, no mortal knows why; and the sensual +creature is clearly uppermost. But the expansion of the benigner +feelings incident to opium is no febrile access, but a healthy +restoration to that state which the mind would naturally recover +upon the removal of any deep-seated irritation of pain that had +disturbed and quarrelled with the impulses of a heart originally +just and good. True it is that even wine, up to a certain point and +with certain men, rather tends to exalt and to steady the intellect; +I myself, who have never been a great wine-drinker, used to find +that half-a-dozen glasses of wine advantageously affected the +faculties--brightened and intensified the consciousness, and gave to +the mind a feeling of being "ponderibus librata suis;" and certainly +it is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man that he is +DISGUISED in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by +sobriety, and it is when they are drinking (as some old gentleman +says in Athenaeus), that men [Greek text]--display themselves in +their true complexion of character, which surely is not disguising +themselves. But still, wine constantly leads a man to the brink of +absurdity and extravagance, and beyond a certain point it is sure to +volatilise and to disperse the intellectual energies: whereas opium +always seems to compose what had been agitated, and to concentrate +what had been distracted. In short, to sum up all in one word, a +man who is inebriated, or tending to inebriation, is, and feels that +he is, in a condition which calls up into supremacy the merely +human, too often the brutal part of his nature; but the opium-eater +(I speak of him who is not suffering from any disease or other +remote effects of opium) feels that the divines part of his nature +is paramount; that is, the moral affections are in a state of +cloudless serenity, and over all is the great light of the majestic +intellect. + +This is the doctrine of the true church on the subject of opium: of +which church I acknowledge myself to be the only member--the alpha +and the omega: but then it is to be recollected that I speak from +the ground of a large and profound personal experience: whereas +most of the unscientific {13} authors who have at all treated of +opium, and even of those who have written expressly on the materia +medica, make it evident, from the horror they express of it, that +their experimental knowledge of its action is none at all. I will, +however, candidly acknowledge that I have met with one person who +bore evidence to its intoxicating power, such as staggered my own +incredulity; for he was a surgeon, and had himself taken opium +largely. I happened to say to him that his enemies (as I had heard) +charged him with talking nonsense on politics, and that his friends +apologized for him by suggesting that he was constantly in a state +of intoxication from opium. Now the accusation, said I, is not +prima facie and of necessity an absurd one; but the defence IS. To +my surprise, however, he insisted that both his enemies and his +friends were in the right. "I will maintain," said he, "that I DO +talk nonsense; and secondly, I will maintain that I do not talk +nonsense upon principle, or with any view to profit, but solely and +simply, said he, solely and simply--solely and simply (repeating it +three times over), because I am drunk with opium, and THAT daily." +I replied that, as to the allegation of his enemies, as it seemed to +be established upon such respectable testimony, seeing that the +three parties concerned all agree in it, it did not become me to +question it; but the defence set up I must demur to. He proceeded +to discuss the matter, and to lay down his reasons; but it seemed to +me so impolite to pursue an argument which must have presumed a man +mistaken in a point belonging to his own profession, that I did not +press him even when his course of argument seemed open to objection; +not to mention that a man who talks nonsense, even though "with no +view to profit," is not altogether the most agreeable partner in a +dispute, whether as opponent or respondent. I confess, however, +that the authority of a surgeon, and one who was reputed a good one, +may seem a weighty one to my prejudice; but still I must plead my +experience, which was greater than his greatest by 7,000 drops a- +day; and though it was not possible to suppose a medical man +unacquainted with the characteristic symptoms of vinous +intoxication, it yet struck me that he might proceed on a logical +error of using the word intoxication with too great latitude, and +extending it generically to all modes of nervous excitement, instead +of restricting it as the expression for a specific sort of +excitement connected with certain diagnostics. Some people have +maintained in my hearing that they had been drunk upon green tea; +and a medical student in London, for whose knowledge in his +profession I have reason to feel great respect, assured me the other +day that a patient in recovering from an illness had got drunk on a +beef-steak. + +Having dwelt so much on this first and leading error in respect to +opium, I shall notice very briefly a second and a third, which are, +that the elevation of spirits produced by opium is necessarily +followed by a proportionate depression, and that the natural and +even immediate consequence of opium is torpor and stagnation, animal +and mental. The first of these errors I shall content myself with +simply denying; assuring my reader that for ten years, during which +I took opium at intervals, the day succeeding to that on which I +allowed myself this luxury was always a day of unusually good +spirits. + +With respect to the torpor supposed to follow, or rather (if we were +to credit the numerous pictures of Turkish opium-eaters) to +accompany the practice of opium-eating, I deny that also. Certainly +opium is classed under the head of narcotics, and some such effect +it may produce in the end; but the primary effects of opium are +always, and in the highest degree, to excite and stimulate the +system. This first stage of its action always lasted with me, +during my noviciate, for upwards of eight hours; so that it must be +the fault of the opium-eater himself if he does not so time his +exhibition of the dose (to speak medically) as that the whole weight +of its narcotic influence may descend upon his sleep. Turkish +opium-eaters, it seems, are absurd enough to sit, like so many +equestrian statues, on logs of wood as stupid as themselves. But +that the reader may judge of the degree in which opium is likely to +stupefy the faculties of an Englishman, I shall (by way of treating +the question illustratively, rather than argumentatively) describe +the way in which I myself often passed an opium evening in London +during the period between 1804-1812. It will be seen that at least +opium did not move me to seek solitude, and much less to seek +inactivity, or the torpid state of self-involution ascribed to the +Turks. I give this account at the risk of being pronounced a crazy +enthusiast or visionary; but I regard THAT little. I must desire my +reader to bear in mind that I was a hard student, and at severe +studies for all the rest of my time; and certainly I had a right +occasionally to relaxations as well as other people. These, +however, I allowed myself but seldom. + +The late Duke of--used to say, "Next Friday, by the blessing of +heaven, I purpose to be drunk;" and in like manner I used to fix +beforehand how often within a given time, and when, I would commit a +debauch of opium. This was seldom more than once in three weeks, +for at that time I could not have ventured to call every day, as I +did afterwards, for "A GLASS OF LAUDANUM NEGUS, WARM, AND WITHOUT +SUGAR." No, as I have said, I seldom drank laudanum, at that time, +more than once in three weeks: This was usually on a Tuesday or a +Saturday night; my reason for which was this. In those days +Grassini sang at the Opera, and her voice was delightful to me +beyond all that I had ever heard. I know not what may be the state +of the Opera-house now, having never been within its walls for seven +or eight years, but at that time it was by much the most pleasant +place of public resort in London for passing an evening. Five +shillings admitted one to the gallery, which was subject to far less +annoyance than the pit of the theatres; the orchestra was +distinguished by its sweet and melodious grandeur from all English +orchestras, the composition of which, I confess, is not acceptable +to my ear, from the predominance of the clamorous instruments and +the absolute tyranny of the violin. The choruses were divine to +hear, and when Grassini appeared in some interlude, as she often +did, and poured forth her passionate soul as Andromache at the tomb +of Hector, &c., I question whether any Turk, of all that ever +entered the Paradise of Opium-eaters, can have had half the pleasure +I had. But, indeed, I honour the barbarians too much by supposing +them capable of any pleasures approaching to the intellectual ones +of an Englishman. For music is an intellectual or a sensual +pleasure according to the temperament of him who hears it. And, by- +the-bye, with the exception of the fine extravaganza on that subject +in "Twelfth Night," I do not recollect more than one thing said +adequately on the subject of music in all literature; it is a +passage in the Religio Medici {14} of Sir T. Brown, and though +chiefly remarkable for its sublimity, has also a philosophic value, +inasmuch as it points to the true theory of musical effects. The +mistake of most people is to suppose that it is by the ear they +communicate with music, and therefore that they are purely passive +to its effects. But this is not so; it is by the reaction of the +mind upon the notices of the ear (the MATTER coming by the senses, +the FORM from the mind) that the pleasure is constructed, and +therefore it is that people of equally good ear differ so much in +this point from one another. Now, opium, by greatly increasing the +activity of the mind, generally increases, of necessity, that +particular mode of its activity by which we are able to construct +out of the raw material of organic sound an elaborate intellectual +pleasure. But, says a friend, a succession of musical sounds is to +me like a collection of Arabic characters; I can attach no ideas to +them. Ideas! my good sir? There is no occasion for them; all that +class of ideas which can be available in such a case has a language +of representative feelings. But this is a subject foreign to my +present purposes; it is sufficient to say that a chorus, &c., of +elaborate harmony displayed before me, as in a piece of arras work, +the whole of my past life--not as if recalled by an act of memory, +but as if present and incarnated in the music; no longer painful to +dwell upon; but the detail of its incidents removed or blended in +some hazy abstraction, and its passions exalted, spiritualized, and +sublimed. All this was to be had for five shillings. And over and +above the music of the stage and the orchestra, I had all around me, +in the intervals of the performance, the music of the Italian +language talked by Italian women--for the gallery was usually +crowded with Italians--and I listened with a pleasure such as that +with which Weld the traveller lay and listened, in Canada, to the +sweet laughter of Indian women; for the less you understand of a +language, the more sensible you are to the melody or harshness of +its sounds. For such a purpose, therefore, it was an advantage to +me that I was a poor Italian scholar, reading it but little, and not +speaking it at all, nor understanding a tenth part of what I heard +spoken. + +These were my opera pleasures; but another pleasure I had which, as +it could be had only on a Saturday night, occasionally struggled +with my love of the Opera; for at that time Tuesday and Saturday +were the regular opera nights. On this subject I am afraid I shall +be rather obscure, but I can assure the reader not at all more so +than Marinus in his Life of Proclus, or many other biographers and +autobiographers of fair reputation. This pleasure, I have said, was +to be had only on a Saturday night. What, then, was Saturday night +to me more than any other night? I had no labours that I rested +from, no wages to receive; what needed I to care for Saturday night, +more than as it was a summons to hear Grassini? True, most logical +reader; what you say is unanswerable. And yet so it was and is, +that whereas different men throw their feelings into different +channels, and most are apt to show their interest in the concerns of +the poor chiefly by sympathy, expressed in some shape or other, with +their distresses and sorrows, I at that time was disposed to express +my interest by sympathising with their pleasures. The pains of +poverty I had lately seen too much of, more than I wished to +remember; but the pleasures of the poor, their consolations of +spirit, and their reposes from bodily toil, can never become +oppressive to contemplate. Now Saturday night is the season for the +chief, regular, and periodic return of rest of the poor; in this +point the most hostile sects unite, and acknowledge a common link of +brotherhood; almost all Christendom rests from its labours. It is a +rest introductory to another rest, and divided by a whole day and +two nights from the renewal of toil. On this account I feel always, +on a Saturday night, as though I also were released from some yoke +of labour, had some wages to receive, and some luxury of repose to +enjoy. For the sake, therefore, of witnessing, upon as large a +scale as possible, a spectacle with which my sympathy was so entire, +I used often on Saturday nights, after I had taken opium, to wander +forth, without much regarding the direction or the distance, to all +the markets and other parts of London to which the poor resort of a +Saturday night, for laying out their wages. Many a family party, +consisting of a man, his wife, and sometimes one or two of his +children, have I listened to, as they stood consulting on their ways +and means, or the strength of their exchequer, or the price of +household articles. Gradually I became familiar with their wishes, +their difficulties, and their opinions. Sometimes there might be +heard murmurs of discontent, but far oftener expressions on the +countenance, or uttered in words, of patience, hope, and +tranquillity. And taken generally, I must say that, in this point +at least, the poor are more philosophic than the rich--that they +show a more ready and cheerful submission to what they consider as +irremediable evils or irreparable losses. Whenever I saw occasion, +or could do it without appearing to be intrusive, I joined their +parties, and gave my opinion upon the matter in discussion, which, +if not always judicious, was always received indulgently. If wages +were a little higher or expected to be so, or the quartern loaf a +little lower, or it was reported that onions and butter were +expected to fall, I was glad; yet, if the contrary were true, I drew +from opium some means of consoling myself. For opium (like the bee, +that extracts its materials indiscriminately from roses and from the +soot of chimneys) can overrule all feelings into compliance with the +master-key. Some of these rambles led me to great distances, for an +opium-eater is too happy to observe the motion of time; and +sometimes in my attempts to steer homewards, upon nautical +principles, by fixing my eye on the pole-star, and seeking +ambitiously for a north-west passage, instead of circumnavigating +all the capes and head-lands I had doubled in my outward voyage, I +came suddenly upon such knotty problems of alleys, such enigmatical +entries, and such sphynx's riddles of streets without thoroughfares, +as must, I conceive, baffle the audacity of porters and confound the +intellects of hackney-coachmen. I could almost have believed at +times that I must be the first discoverer of some of these terrae +incognitae, and doubted whether they had yet been laid down in the +modern charts of London. For all this, however, I paid a heavy +price in distant years, when the human face tyrannised over my +dreams, and the perplexities of my steps in London came back and +haunted my sleep, with the feeling of perplexities, moral and +intellectual, that brought confusion to the reason, or anguish and +remorse to the conscience. + +Thus I have shown that opium does not of necessity produce +inactivity or torpor, but that, on the contrary, it often led me +into markets and theatres. Yet, in candour, I will admit that +markets and theatres are not the appropriate haunts of the opium- +eater when in the divinest state incident to his enjoyment. In that +state, crowds become an oppression to him; music even, too sensual +and gross. He naturally seeks solitude and silence, as +indispensable conditions of those trances, or profoundest reveries, +which are the crown and consummation of what opium can do for human +nature. I, whose disease it was to meditate too much and to observe +too little, and who upon my first entrance at college was nearly +falling into a deep melancholy, from brooding too much on the +sufferings which I had witnessed in London, was sufficiently aware +of the tendencies of my own thoughts to do all I could to counteract +them. I was, indeed, like a person who, according to the old +legend, had entered the cave of Trophonius; and the remedies I +sought were to force myself into society, and to keep my +understanding in continual activity upon matters of science. But +for these remedies I should certainly have become hypochondriacally +melancholy. In after years, however, when my cheerfulness was more +fully re-established, I yielded to my natural inclination for a +solitary life. And at that time I often fell into these reveries +upon taking opium; and more than once it has happened to me, on a +summer night, when I have been at an open window, in a room from +which I could overlook the sea at a mile below me, and could command +a view of the great town of L-, at about the same distance, that I +have sate from sunset to sunrise, motionless, and without wishing to +move. + +I shall be charged with mysticism, Behmenism, quietism, &c., but +THAT shall not alarm me. Sir H. Vane, the younger, was one of our +wisest men; and let my reader see if he, in his philosophical works, +be half as unmystical as I am. I say, then, that it has often +struck me that the scene itself was somewhat typical of what took +place in such a reverie. The town of L- represented the earth, with +its sorrows and its graves left behind, yet not out of sight, nor +wholly forgotten. The ocean, in everlasting but gentle agitation, +and brooded over by a dove-like calm, might not unfitly typify the +mind and the mood which then swayed it. For it seemed to me as if +then first I stood at a distance and aloof from the uproar of life; +as if the tumult, the fever, and the strife were suspended; a +respite granted from the secret burthens of the heart; a sabbath of +repose; a resting from human labours. Here were the hopes which +blossom in the paths of life reconciled with the peace which is in +the grave; motions of the intellect as unwearied as the heavens, yet +for all anxieties a halcyon calm; a tranquillity that seemed no +product of inertia, but as if resulting from mighty and equal +antagonisms; infinite activities, infinite repose. + +Oh, just, subtle, and mighty opium! that to the hearts of poor and +rich alike, for the wounds that will never heal, and for "the pangs +that tempt the spirit to rebel," bringest an assuaging balm; +eloquent opium! that with thy potent rhetoric stealest away the +purposes of wrath; and to the guilty man for one night givest back +the hopes of his youth, and hands washed pure from blood; and to the +proud man a brief oblivion for + + +Wrongs undress'd and insults unavenged; + + +that summonest to the chancery of dreams, for the triumphs of +suffering innocence, false witnesses; and confoundest perjury, and +dost reverse the sentences of unrighteous judges;--thou buildest +upon the bosom of darkness, out of the fantastic imagery of the +brain, cities and temples beyond the art of Phidias and Praxiteles-- +beyond the splendour of Babylon and Hekatompylos, and "from the +anarchy of dreaming sleep" callest into sunny light the faces of +long-buried beauties and the blessed household countenances cleansed +from the "dishonours of the grave." Thou only givest these gifts to +man; and thou hast the keys of Paradise, oh, just, subtle, and +mighty opium! + + +INTRODUCTION TO THE PAINS OF OPIUM + + +Courteous, and I hope indulgent, reader (for all MY readers must be +indulgent ones, or else I fear I shall shock them too much to count +on their courtesy), having accompanied me thus far, now let me +request you to move onwards for about eight years; that is to say, +from 1804 (when I have said that my acquaintance with opium first +began) to 1812. The years of academic life are now over and gone-- +almost forgotten; the student's cap no longer presses my temples; if +my cap exist at all, it presses those of some youthful scholar, I +trust, as happy as myself, and as passionate a lover of knowledge. +My gown is by this time, I dare say, in the same condition with many +thousand excellent books in the Bodleian, viz., diligently perused +by certain studious moths and worms; or departed, however (which is +all that I know of his fate), to that great reservoir of SOMEWHERE +to which all the tea-cups, tea-caddies, tea-pots, tea-kettles, &c., +have departed (not to speak of still frailer vessels, such as +glasses, decanters, bed-makers, &c.), which occasional resemblances +in the present generation of tea-cups, &c., remind me of having once +possessed, but of whose departure and final fate I, in common with +most gownsmen of either university, could give, I suspect, but an +obscure and conjectural history. The persecutions of the chapel- +bell, sounding its unwelcome summons to six o'clock matins, +interrupts my slumbers no longer, the porter who rang it, upon whose +beautiful nose (bronze, inlaid with copper) I wrote, in retaliation +so many Greek epigrams whilst I was dressing, is dead, and has +ceased to disturb anybody; and I, and many others who suffered much +from his tintinnabulous propensities, have now agreed to overlook +his errors, and have forgiven him. Even with the bell I am now in +charity; it rings, I suppose, as formerly, thrice a-day, and cruelly +annoys, I doubt not, many worthy gentlemen, and disturbs their peace +of mind; but as to me, in this year 1812, I regard its treacherous +voice no longer (treacherous I call it, for, by some refinement of +malice, it spoke in as sweet and silvery tones as if it had been +inviting one to a party); its tones have no longer, indeed, power to +reach me, let the wind sit as favourable as the malice of the bell +itself could wish, for I am 250 miles away from it, and buried in +the depth of mountains. And what am I doing among the mountains? +Taking opium. Yes; but what else? Why reader, in 1812, the year we +are now arrived at, as well as for some years previous, I have been +chiefly studying German metaphysics in the writings of Kant, Fichte, +Schelling, &c. And how and in what manner do I live?--in short, +what class or description of men do I belong to? I am at this +period--viz. in 1812--living in a cottage and with a single female +servant (honi soit qui mal y pense), who amongst my neighbours +passes by the name of my "housekeeper." And as a scholar and a man +of learned education, and in that sense a gentleman, I may presume +to class myself as an unworthy member of that indefinite body called +GENTLEMEN. Partly on the ground I have assigned perhaps, partly +because from my having no visible calling or business, it is rightly +judged that I must be living on my private fortune; I am so classed +by my neighbours; and by the courtesy of modern England I am usually +addressed on letters, &c., "Esquire," though having, I fear, in the +rigorous construction of heralds, but slender pretensions to that +distinguished honour; yet in popular estimation I am X. Y. Z., +Esquire, but not justice of the Peace nor Custos Rotulorum. Am I +married? Not yet. And I still take opium? On Saturday nights. +And perhaps have taken it unblushingly ever since "the rainy +Sunday," and "the stately Pantheon," and "the beatific druggist" of +1804? Even so. And how do I find my health after all this opium- +eating? In short, how do I do? Why, pretty well, I thank you, +reader; in the phrase of ladies in the straw, "as well as can be +expected." In fact, if I dared to say the real and simple truth, +though, to satisfy the theories of medical men, I OUGHT to be ill, I +never was better in my life than in the spring of 1812; and I hope +sincerely that the quantity of claret, port, or "particular +Madeira," which in all probability you, good reader, have taken, and +design to take for every term of eight years during your natural +life, may as little disorder your health as mine was disordered by +the opium I had taken for eight years, between 1804 and 1812. Hence +you may see again the danger of taking any medical advice from +Anastasius; in divinity, for aught I know, or law, he may be a safe +counsellor; but not in medicine. No; it is far better to consult +Dr. Buchan, as I did; for I never forgot that worthy man's excellent +suggestion, and I was "particularly careful not to take above five- +and-twenty ounces of laudanum." To this moderation and temperate +use of the article I may ascribe it, I suppose, that as yet, at +least (i.e. in 1812), I am ignorant and unsuspicious of the avenging +terrors which opium has in store for those who abuse its lenity. At +the same time, it must not be forgotten that hitherto I have been +only a dilettante eater of opium; eight years' practice even, with a +single precaution of allowing sufficient intervals between every +indulgence, has not been sufficient to make opium necessary to me as +an article of daily diet. But now comes a different era. Move on, +if you please, reader, to 1813. In the summer of the year we have +just quitted I have suffered much in bodily health from distress of +mind connected with a very melancholy event. This event being no +ways related to the subject now before me, further than through the +bodily illness which it produced, I need not more particularly +notice. Whether this illness of 1812 had any share in that of 1813 +I know not; but so it was, that in the latter year I was attacked by +a most appalling irritation of the stomach, in all respects the same +as that which had caused me so much suffering in youth, and +accompanied by a revival of all the old dreams. This is the point +of my narrative on which, as respects my own self-justification, the +whole of what follows may be said to hinge. And here I find myself +in a perplexing dilemma. Either, on the one hand, I must exhaust +the reader's patience by such a detail of my malady, or of my +struggles with it, as might suffice to establish the fact of my +inability to wrestle any longer with irritation and constant +suffering; or, on the other hand, by passing lightly over this +critical part of my story, I must forego the benefit of a stronger +impression left on the mind of the reader, and must lay myself open +to the misconstruction of having slipped, by the easy and gradual +steps of self-indulging persons, from the first to the final stage +of opium-eating (a misconstruction to which there will be a lurking +predisposition in most readers, from my previous acknowledgements). +This is the dilemma, the first horn of which would be sufficient to +toss and gore any column of patient readers, though drawn up sixteen +deep and constantly relieved by fresh men; consequently that is not +to be thought of. It remains, then, that I POSTULALE so much as is +necessary for my purpose. And let me take as full credit for what I +postulate as if I had demonstrated it, good reader, at the expense +of your patience and my own. Be not so ungenerous as to let me +suffer in your good opinion through my own forbearance and regard +for your comfort. No; believe all that I ask of you--viz., that I +could resist no longer; believe it liberally and as an act of grace, +or else in mere prudence; for if not, then in the next edition of my +Opium Confessions, revised and enlarged, I will make you believe and +tremble; and a force d'ennuyer, by mere dint of pandiculation I will +terrify all readers of mine from ever again questioning any +postulate that I shall think fit to make. + +This, then, let me repeat, I postulate--that at the time I began to +take opium daily I could not have done otherwise. Whether, indeed, +afterwards I might not have succeeded in breaking off the habit, +even when it seemed to me that all efforts would be unavailing, and +whether many of the innumerable efforts which I did make might not +have been carried much further, and my gradual reconquests of ground +lost might not have been followed up much more energetically--these +are questions which I must decline. Perhaps I might make out a case +of palliation; but shall I speak ingenuously? I confess it, as a +besetting infirmity of mine, that I am too much of an Eudaemonist; I +hanker too much after a state of happiness, both for myself and +others; I cannot face misery, whether my own or not, with an eye of +sufficient firmness, and am little capable of encountering present +pain for the sake of any reversionary benefit. On some other +matters I can agree with the gentlemen in the cotton trade {15} at +Manchester in affecting the Stoic philosophy, but not in this. Here +I take the liberty of an Eclectic philosopher, and I look out for +some courteous and considerate sect that will condescend more to the +infirm condition of an opium-eater; that are "sweet men," as Chaucer +says, "to give absolution," and will show some conscience in the +penances they inflict, and the efforts of abstinence they exact from +poor sinners like myself. An inhuman moralist I can no more endure +in my nervous state than opium that has not been boiled. At any +rate, he who summons me to send out a large freight of self-denial +and mortification upon any cruising voyage of moral improvement, +must make it clear to my understanding that the concern is a hopeful +one. At my time of life (six-and-thirty years of age) it cannot be +supposed that I have much energy to spare; in fact, I find it all +little enough for the intellectual labours I have on my hands, and +therefore let no man expect to frighten me by a few hard words into +embarking any part of it upon desperate adventures of morality. + +Whether desperate or not, however, the issue of the struggle in 1813 +was what I have mentioned, and from this date the reader is to +consider me as a regular and confirmed opium-eater, of whom to ask +whether on any particular day he had or had not taken opium, would +be to ask whether his lungs had performed respiration, or the heart +fulfilled its functions. You understand now, reader, what I am, and +you are by this time aware that no old gentleman "with a snow-white +beard" will have any chance of persuading me to surrender "the +little golden receptacle of the pernicious drug." No; I give notice +to all, whether moralists or surgeons, that whatever be their +pretensions and skill in their respective lines of practice, they +must not hope for any countenance from me, if they think to begin by +any savage proposition for a Lent or a Ramadan of abstinence from +opium. This, then, being all fully understood between us, we shall +in future sail before the wind. Now then, reader, from 1813, where +all this time we have been sitting down and loitering, rise up, if +you please, and walk forward about three years more. Now draw up +the curtain, and you shall see me in a new character. + +If any man, poor or rich, were to say that he would tell us what had +been the happiest day in his life, and the why and the wherefore, I +suppose that we should all cry out--Hear him! Hear him! As to the +happiest DAY, that must be very difficult for any wise man to name, +because any event that could occupy so distinguished a place in a +man's retrospect of his life, or be entitled to have shed a special +felicity on any one day, ought to be of such an enduring character +as that (accidents apart) it should have continued to shed the same +felicity, or one not distinguishably less, on many years together. +To the happiest LUSTRUM, however, or even to the happiest YEAR, it +may be allowed to any man to point without discountenance from +wisdom. This year, in my case, reader, was the one which we have +now reached; though it stood, I confess, as a parenthesis between +years of a gloomier character. It was a year of brilliant water (to +speak after the manner of jewellers), set as it were, and insulated, +in the gloom and cloudy melancholy of opium. Strange as it may +sound, I had a little before this time descended suddenly, and +without any considerable effort, from 320 grains of opium (i.e. +eight {16} thousand drops of laudanum) per day, to forty grains, or +one-eighth part. Instantaneously, and as if by magic, the cloud of +profoundest melancholy which rested upon my brain, like some black +vapours that I have seen roll away from the summits of mountains, +drew off in one day ([Greek text]); passed off with its murky +banners as simultaneously as a ship that has been stranded, and is +floated off by a spring tide - + + +That moveth altogether, if it move at all. + + +Now, then, I was again happy; I now took only 1000 drops of laudanum +per day; and what was that? A latter spring had come to close up +the season of youth; my brain performed its functions as healthily +as ever before; I read Kant again, and again I understood him, or +fancied that I did. Again my feelings of pleasure expanded +themselves to all around me; and if any man from Oxford or +Cambridge, or from neither, had been announced to me in my +unpretending cottage, I should have welcomed him with as sumptuous a +reception as so poor a man could offer. Whatever else was wanting +to a wise man's happiness, of laudanum I would have given him as +much as he wished, and in a golden cup. And, by the way, now that I +speak of giving laudanum away, I remember about this time a little +incident, which I mention because, trifling as it was, the reader +will soon meet it again in my dreams, which it influenced more +fearfully than could be imagined. One day a Malay knocked at my +door. What business a Malay could have to transact amongst English +mountains I cannot conjecture; but possibly he was on his road to a +seaport about forty miles distant. + +The servant who opened the door to him was a young girl, born and +bred amongst the mountains, who had never seen an Asiatic dress of +any sort; his turban therefore confounded her not a little; and as +it turned out that his attainments in English were exactly of the +same extent as hers in the Malay, there seemed to be an impassable +gulf fixed between all communication of ideas, if either party had +happened to possess any. In this dilemma, the girl, recollecting +the reputed learning of her master (and doubtless giving me credit +for a knowledge of all the languages of the earth besides perhaps a +few of the lunar ones), came and gave me to understand that there +was a sort of demon below, whom she clearly imagined that my art +could exorcise from the house. I did not immediately go down, but +when I did, the group which presented itself, arranged as it was by +accident, though not very elaborate, took hold of my fancy and my +eye in a way that none of the statuesque attitudes exhibited in the +ballets at the Opera-house, though so ostentatiously complex, had +ever done. In a cottage kitchen, but panelled on the wall with dark +wood that from age and rubbing resembled oak, and looking more like +a rustic hall of entrance than a kitchen, stood the Malay--his +turban and loose trousers of dingy white relieved upon the dark +panelling. He had placed himself nearer to the girl than she seemed +to relish, though her native spirit of mountain intrepidity +contended with the feeling of simple awe which her countenance +expressed as she gazed upon the tiger-cat before her. And a more +striking picture there could not be imagined than the beautiful +English face of the girl, and its exquisite fairness, together with +her erect and independent attitude, contrasted with the sallow and +bilious skin of the Malay, enamelled or veneered with mahogany by +marine air, his small, fierce, restless eyes, thin lips, slavish +gestures and adorations. Half-hidden by the ferocious-looking Malay +was a little child from a neighbouring cottage who had crept in +after him, and was now in the act of reverting its head and gazing +upwards at the turban and the fiery eyes beneath it, whilst with one +hand he caught at the dress of the young woman for protection. My +knowledge of the Oriental tongues is not remarkably extensive, being +indeed confined to two words--the Arabic word for barley and the +Turkish for opium (madjoon), which I have learned from Anastasius; +and as I had neither a Malay dictionary nor even Adelung's +Mithridates, which might have helped me to a few words, I addressed +him in some lines from the Iliad, considering that, of such +languages as I possessed, Greek, in point of longitude, came +geographically nearest to an Oriental one. He worshipped me in a +most devout manner, and replied in what I suppose was Malay. In +this way I saved my reputation with my neighbours, for the Malay had +no means of betraying the secret. He lay down upon the floor for +about an hour, and then pursued his journey. On his departure I +presented him with a piece of opium. To him, as an Orientalist, I +concluded that opium must be familiar; and the expression of his +face convinced me that it was. Nevertheless, I was struck with some +little consternation when I saw him suddenly raise his hand to his +mouth, and, to use the schoolboy phrase, bolt the whole, divided +into three pieces, at one mouthful. The quantity was enough to kill +three dragoons and their horses, and I felt some alarm for the poor +creature; but what could be done? I had given him the opium in +compassion for his solitary life, on recollecting that if he had +travelled on foot from London it must be nearly three weeks since he +could have exchanged a thought with any human being. I could not +think of violating the laws of hospitality by having him seized and +drenched with an emetic, and thus frightening him into a notion that +we were going to sacrifice him to some English idol. No: there was +clearly no help for it. He took his leave, and for some days I felt +anxious, but as I never heard of any Malay being found dead, I +became convinced that he was used {17} to opium; and that I must +have done him the service I designed by giving him one night of +respite from the pains of wandering. + +This incident I have digressed to mention, because this Malay +(partly from the picturesque exhibition he assisted to frame, partly +from the anxiety I connected with his image for some days) fastened +afterwards upon my dreams, and brought other Malays with him, worse +than himself, that ran "a-muck" {18} at me, and led me into a world +of troubles. But to quit this episode, and to return to my +intercalary year of happiness. I have said already, that on a +subject so important to us all as happiness, we should listen with +pleasure to any man's experience or experiments, even though he were +but a plough-boy, who cannot be supposed to have ploughed very deep +into such an intractable soil as that of human pains and pleasures, +or to have conducted his researches upon any very enlightened +principles. But I who have taken happiness both in a solid and +liquid shape, both boiled and unboiled, both East India and Turkey-- +who have conducted my experiments upon this interesting subject with +a sort of galvanic battery, and have, for the general benefit of the +world, inoculated myself, as it were, with the poison of 8000 drops +of laudanum per day (just for the same reason as a French surgeon +inoculated himself lately with cancer, an English one twenty years +ago with plague, and a third, I know not of what nation, with +hydrophobia), I (it will be admitted) must surely know what +happiness is, if anybody does. And therefore I will here lay down +an analysis of happiness; and as the most interesting mode of +communicating it, I will give it, not didactically, but wrapped up +and involved in a picture of one evening, as I spent every evening +during the intercalary year when laudanum, though taken daily, was +to me no more than the elixir of pleasure. This done, I shall quit +the subject of happiness altogether, and pass to a very different +one--THE PAINS OF OPIUM. + +Let there be a cottage standing in a valley, eighteen miles from any +town--no spacious valley, but about two miles long by three-quarters +of a mile in average width; the benefit of which provision is that +all the family resident within its circuit will compose, as it were, +one larger household, personally familiar to your eye, and more or +less interesting to your affections. Let the mountains be real +mountains, between 3,000 and 4,000 feet high, and the cottage a real +cottage, not (as a witty author has it) "a cottage with a double +coach-house;" let it be, in fact (for I must abide by the actual +scene), a white cottage, embowered with flowering shrubs, so chosen +as to unfold a succession of flowers upon the walls and clustering +round the windows through all the months of spring, summer, and +autumn--beginning, in fact, with May roses, and ending with jasmine. +Let it, however, NOT be spring, nor summer, nor autumn, but winter +in his sternest shape. This is a most important point in the +science of happiness. And I am surprised to see people overlook it, +and think it matter of congratulation that winter is going, or, if +coming, is not likely to be a severe one. On the contrary, I put up +a petition annually for as much snow, hail, frost, or storm, of one +kind or other, as the skies can possibly afford us. Surely +everybody is aware of the divine pleasures which attend a winter +fireside, candles at four o'clock, warm hearth-rugs, tea, a fair +tea-maker, shutters closed, curtains flowing in ample draperies on +the floor, whilst the wind and rain are raging audibly without, + + +And at the doors and windows seem to call, +As heav'n and earth they would together mell; +Yet the least entrance find they none at all; +Whence sweeter grows our rest secure in massy hall. +Castle of Indolence. + + +All these are items in the description of a winter evening which +must surely be familiar to everybody born in a high latitude. And +it is evident that most of these delicacies, like ice-cream, require +a very low temperature of the atmosphere to produce them; they are +fruits which cannot be ripened without weather stormy or inclement +in some way or other. I am not "PARTICULAR," as people say, whether +it be snow, or black frost, or wind so strong that (as Mr.--says) +"you may lean your back against it like a post." I can put up even +with rain, provided it rains cats and dogs; but something of the +sort I must have, and if I have it not, I think myself in a manner +ill-used; for why am I called on to pay so heavily for winter, in +coals and candles, and various privations that will occur even to +gentlemen, if I am not to have the article good of its kind? No, a +Canadian winter for my money, or a Russian one, where every man is +but a co-proprietor with the north wind in the fee-simple of his own +ears. Indeed, so great an epicure am I in this matter that I cannot +relish a winter night fully if it be much past St. Thomas's day, and +have degenerated into disgusting tendencies to vernal appearances. +No, it must be divided by a thick wall of dark nights from all +return of light and sunshine. From the latter weeks of October to +Christmas Eve, therefore, is the period during which happiness is in +season, which, in my judgment, enters the room with the tea-tray; +for tea, though ridiculed by those who are naturally of coarse +nerves, or are become so from wine-drinking, and are not susceptible +of influence from so refined a stimulant, will always be the +favourite beverage of the intellectual; and, for my part, I would +have joined Dr. Johnson in a bellum internecinum against Jonas +Hanway, or any other impious person, who should presume to disparage +it. But here, to save myself the trouble of too much verbal +description, I will introduce a painter, and give him directions for +the rest of the picture. Painters do not like white cottages, +unless a good deal weather-stained; but as the reader now +understands that it is a winter night, his services will not be +required except for the inside of the house. + +Paint me, then, a room seventeen feet by twelve, and not more than +seven and a half feet high. This, reader, is somewhat ambitiously +styled in my family the drawing-room; but being contrived "a double +debt to pay," it is also, and more justly, termed the library, for +it happens that books are the only article of property in which I am +richer than my neighbours. Of these I have about five thousand, +collected gradually since my eighteenth year. Therefore, painter, +put as many as you can into this room. Make it populous with books, +and, furthermore, paint me a good fire, and furniture plain and +modest, befitting the unpretending cottage of a scholar. And near +the fire paint me a tea-table, and (as it is clear that no creature +can come to see one such a stormy night) place only two cups and +saucers on the tea-tray; and, if you know how to paint such a thing +symbolically or otherwise, paint me an eternal tea-pot--eternal a +parte ante and a parte post--for I usually drink tea from eight +o'clock at night to four o'clock in the morning. And as it is very +unpleasant to make tea or to pour it out for oneself, paint me a +lovely young woman sitting at the table. Paint her arms like +Aurora's and her smiles like Hebe's. But no, dear M., not even in +jest let me insinuate that thy power to illuminate my cottage rests +upon a tenure so perishable as mere personal beauty, or that the +witchcraft of angelic smiles lies within the empire of any earthly +pencil. Pass then, my good painter, to something more within its +power; and the next article brought forward should naturally be +myself--a picture of the Opium-eater, with his "little golden +receptacle of the pernicious drug" lying beside him on the table. +As to the opium, I have no objection to see a picture of THAT, +though I would rather see the original. You may paint it if you +choose, but I apprise you that no "little" receptacle would, even in +1816, answer MY purpose, who was at a distance from the "stately +Pantheon," and all druggists (mortal or otherwise). No, you may as +well paint the real receptacle, which was not of gold, but of glass, +and as much like a wine-decanter as possible. Into this you may put +a quart of ruby-coloured laudanum; that, and a book of German +Metaphysics placed by its side, will sufficiently attest my being in +the neighbourhood. But as to myself--there I demur. I admit that, +naturally, I ought to occupy the foreground of the picture; that +being the hero of the piece, or (if you choose) the criminal at the +bar, my body should be had into court. This seems reasonable; but +why should I confess on this point to a painter? or why confess at +all? If the public (into whose private ear I am confidentially +whispering my confessions, and not into any painter's) should chance +to have framed some agreeable picture for itself of the Opium- +eater's exterior, should have ascribed to him, romantically an +elegant person or a handsome face, why should I barbarously tear +from it so pleasing a delusion--pleasing both to the public and to +me? No; paint me, if at all, according to your own fancy, and as a +painter's fancy should teem with beautiful creations, I cannot fail +in that way to be a gainer. And now, reader, we have run through +all the ten categories of my condition as it stood about 1816-17, up +to the middle of which latter year I judge myself to have been a +happy man, and the elements of that happiness I have endeavoured to +place before you in the above sketch of the interior of a scholar's +library, in a cottage among the mountains, on a stormy winter +evening. + +But now, farewell--a long farewell--to happiness, winter or summer! +Farewell to smiles and laughter! Farewell to peace of mind! +Farewell to hope and to tranquil dreams, and to the blessed +consolations of sleep. For more than three years and a half I am +summoned away from these. I am now arrived at an Iliad of woes, for +I have now to record + + +THE PAINS OF OPIUM + + +As when some great painter dips +His pencil in the gloom of earthquake and eclipse. +SHELLEY'S Revolt of Islam. + +Reader, who have thus far accompanied me, I must request your +attention to a brief explanatory note on three points: + +1. For several reasons I have not been able to compose the notes +for this part of my narrative into any regular and connected shape. +I give the notes disjointed as I find them, or have now drawn them +up from memory. Some of them point to their own date, some I have +dated, and some are undated. Whenever it could answer my purpose to +transplant them from the natural or chronological order, I have not +scrupled to do so. Sometimes I speak in the present, sometimes in +the past tense. Few of the notes, perhaps, were written exactly at +the period of time to which they relate; but this can little affect +their accuracy, as the impressions were such that they can never +fade from my mind. Much has been omitted. I could not, without +effort, constrain myself to the task of either recalling, or +constructing into a regular narrative, the whole burthen of horrors +which lies upon my brain. This feeling partly I plead in excuse, +and partly that I am now in London, and am a helpless sort of +person, who cannot even arrange his own papers without assistance; +and I am separated from the hands which are wont to perform for me +the offices of an amanuensis. + +2. You will think perhaps that I am too confidential and +communicative of my own private history. It may be so. But my way +of writing is rather to think aloud, and follow my own humours, than +much to consider who is listening to me; and if I stop to consider +what is proper to be said to this or that person, I shall soon come +to doubt whether any part at all is proper. The fact is, I place +myself at a distance of fifteen or twenty years ahead of this time, +and suppose myself writing to those who will be interested about me +hereafter; and wishing to have some record of time, the entire +history of which no one can know but myself, I do it as fully as I +am able with the efforts I am now capable of making, because I know +not whether I can ever find time to do it again. + +3. It will occur to you often to ask, why did I not release myself +from the horrors of opium by leaving it off or diminishing it? To +this I must answer briefly: it might be supposed that I yielded to +the fascinations of opium too easily; it cannot be supposed that any +man can be charmed by its terrors. The reader may be sure, +therefore, that I made attempts innumerable to reduce the quantity. +I add, that those who witnessed the agonies of those attempts, and +not myself, were the first to beg me to desist. But could not have +I reduced it a drop a day, or, by adding water, have bisected or +trisected a drop? A thousand drops bisected would thus have taken +nearly six years to reduce, and that way would certainly not have +answered. But this is a common mistake of those who know nothing of +opium experimentally; I appeal to those who do, whether it is not +always found that down to a certain point it can be reduced with +ease and even pleasure, but that after that point further reduction +causes intense suffering. Yes, say many thoughtless persons, who +know not what they are talking of, you will suffer a little low +spirits and dejection for a few days. I answer, no; there is +nothing like low spirits; on the contrary, the mere animal spirits +are uncommonly raised: the pulse is improved: the health is +better. It is not there that the suffering lies. It has no +resemblance to the sufferings caused by renouncing wine. It is a +state of unutterable irritation of stomach (which surely is not much +like dejection), accompanied by intense perspirations, and feelings +such as I shall not attempt to describe without more space at my +command. + +I shall now enter in medias res, and shall anticipate, from a time +when my opium pains might be said to be at their acme, an account of +their palsying effects on the intellectual faculties. + + +My studies have now been long interrupted. I cannot read to myself +with any pleasure, hardly with a moment's endurance. Yet I read +aloud sometimes for the pleasure of others, because reading is an +accomplishment of mine, and, in the slang use of the word +"accomplishment" as a superficial and ornamental attainment, almost +the only one I possess; and formerly, if I had any vanity at all +connected with any endowment or attainment of mine, it was with +this, for I had observed that no accomplishment was so rare. +Players are the worst readers of all: --reads vilely; and Mrs. -, +who is so celebrated, can read nothing well but dramatic +compositions: Milton she cannot read sufferably. People in general +either read poetry without any passion at all, or else overstep the +modesty of nature, and read not like scholars. Of late, if I have +felt moved by anything it has been by the grand lamentations of +Samson Agonistes, or the great harmonies of the Satanic speeches in +Paradise Regained, when read aloud by myself. A young lady +sometimes comes and drinks tea with us: at her request and M.'s, I +now and then read W-'s poems to them. (W., by-the-bye is the only +poet I ever met who could read his own verses: often indeed he +reads admirably.) + +For nearly two years I believe that I read no book, but one; and I +owe it to the author, in discharge of a great debt of gratitude, to +mention what that was. The sublimer and more passionate poets I +still read, as I have said, by snatches, and occasionally. But my +proper vocation, as I well know, was the exercise of the analytic +understanding. Now, for the most part analytic studies are +continuous, and not to be pursued by fits and starts, or fragmentary +efforts. Mathematics, for instance, intellectual philosophy, &c,, +were all become insupportable to me; I shrunk from them with a sense +of powerless and infantine feebleness that gave me an anguish the +greater from remembering the time when I grappled with them to my +own hourly delight; and for this further reason, because I had +devoted the labour of my whole life, and had dedicated my intellect, +blossoms and fruits, to the slow and elaborate toil of constructing +one single work, to which I had presumed to give the title of an +unfinished work of Spinosa's--viz., De Emendatione Humani +Intellectus. This was now lying locked up, as by frost, like any +Spanish bridge or aqueduct, begun upon too great a scale for the +resources of the architect; and instead of reviving me as a monument +of wishes at least, and aspirations, and a life of labour dedicated +to the exaltation of human nature in that way in which God had best +fitted me to promote so great an object, it was likely to stand a +memorial to my children of hopes defeated, of baffled efforts, of +materials uselessly accumulated, of foundations laid that were never +to support a super-structure--of the grief and the ruin of the +architect. In this state of imbecility I had, for amusement, turned +my attention to political economy; my understanding, which formerly +had been as active and restless as a hyaena, could not, I suppose +(so long as I lived at all) sink into utter lethargy; and political +economy offers this advantage to a person in my state, that though +it is eminently an organic science (no part, that is to say, but +what acts on the whole as the whole again reacts on each part), yet +the several parts may be detached and contemplated singly. Great as +was the prostration of my powers at this time, yet I could not +forget my knowledge; and my understanding had been for too many +years intimate with severe thinkers, with logic, and the great +masters of knowledge, not to be aware of the utter feebleness of the +main herd of modern economists. I had been led in 1811 to look into +loads of books and pamphlets on many branches of economy; and, at my +desire, M. sometimes read to me chapters from more recent works, or +parts of parliamentary debates. I saw that these were generally the +very dregs and rinsings of the human intellect; and that any man of +sound head, and practised in wielding logic with a scholastic +adroitness, might take up the whole academy of modern economists, +and throttle them between heaven and earth with his finger and +thumb, or bray their fungus-heads to powder with a lady's fan. At +length, in 1819, a friend in Edinburgh sent me down Mr. Ricardo's +book; and recurring to my own prophetic anticipation of the advent +of some legislator for this science, I said, before I had finished +the first chapter, "Thou art the man!" Wonder and curiosity were +emotions that had long been dead in me. Yet I wondered once more: +I wondered at myself that I could once again be stimulated to the +effort of reading, and much more I wondered at the book. Had this +profound work been really written in England during the nineteenth +century? Was it possible? I supposed thinking {19} had been +extinct in England. Could it be that an Englishman, and he not in +academic bowers, but oppressed by mercantile and senatorial cares, +had accomplished what all the universities of Europe and a century +of thought had failed even to advance by one hair's breadth? All +other writers had been crushed and overlaid by the enormous weight +of facts and documents. Mr. Ricardo had deduced a priori from the +understanding itself laws which first gave a ray of light into the +unwieldy chaos of materials, and had constructed what had been but a +collection of tentative discussions into a science of regular +proportions, now first standing on an eternal basis. + +Thus did one single work of a profound understanding avail to give +me a pleasure and an activity which I had not known for years. It +roused me even to write, or at least to dictate what M. wrote for +me. It seemed to me that some important truths had escaped even +"the inevitable eye" of Mr. Ricardo; and as these were for the most +part of such a nature that I could express or illustrate them more +briefly and elegantly by algebraic symbols than in the usual clumsy +and loitering diction of economists, the whole would not have filled +a pocket-book; and being so brief, with M. for my amanuensis, even +at this time, incapable as I was of all general exertion, I drew up +my PROLEGOMENA TO ALL FUTURE SYSTEMS OF POLITICAL ECONOMY. I hope +it will not be found redolent of opium; though, indeed, to most +people the subject is a sufficient opiate. + +This exertion, however, was but a temporary flash, as the sequel +showed; for I designed to publish my work. Arrangements were made +at a provincial press, about eighteen miles distant, for printing +it. An additional compositor was retained for some days on this +account. The work was even twice advertised, and I was in a manner +pledged to the fulfilment of my intention. But I had a preface to +write, and a dedication, which I wished to make a splendid one, to +Mr. Ricardo. I found myself quite unable to accomplish all this. +The arrangements were countermanded, the compositor dismissed, and +my "Prolegomena" rested peacefully by the side of its elder and more +dignified brother. + +I have thus described and illustrated my intellectual torpor in +terms that apply more or less to every part of the four years during +which I was under the Circean spells of opium. But for misery and +suffering, I might indeed be said to have existed in a dormant +state. I seldom could prevail on myself to write a letter; an +answer of a few words to any that I received was the utmost that I +could accomplish, and often THAT not until the letter had lain weeks +or even months on my writing-table. Without the aid of M. all +records of bills paid or TO BE paid must have perished, and my whole +domestic economy, whatever became of Political Economy, must have +gone into irretrievable confusion. I shall not afterwards allude to +this part of the case. It is one, however, which the opium-eater +will find, in the end, as oppressive and tormenting as any other, +from the sense of incapacity and feebleness, from the direct +embarrassments incident to the neglect or procrastination of each +day's appropriate duties, and from the remorse which must often +exasperate the stings of these evils to a reflective and +conscientious mind. The opium-eater loses none of his moral +sensibilities or aspirations. He wishes and longs as earnestly as +ever to realize what he believes possible, and feels to be exacted +by duty; but his intellectual apprehension of what is possible +infinitely outruns his power, not of execution only, but even of +power to attempt. He lies under the weight of incubus and +nightmare; he lies in sight of all that he would fain perform, just +as a man forcibly confined to his bed by the mortal languor of a +relaxing disease, who is compelled to witness injury or outrage +offered to some object of his tenderest love: he curses the spells +which chain him down from motion; he would lay down his life if he +might but get up and walk; but he is powerless as an infant, and +cannot even attempt to rise. + +I now pass to what is the main subject of these latter confessions, +to the history and journal of what took place in my dreams, for +these were the immediate and proximate cause of my acutest +suffering. + +The first notice I had of any important change going on in this part +of my physical economy was from the reawakening of a state of eye +generally incident to childhood, or exalted states of irritability. +I know not whether my reader is aware that many children, perhaps +most, have a power of painting, as it were upon the darkness, all +sorts of phantoms. In some that power is simply a mechanical +affection of the eye; others have a voluntary or semi-voluntary +power to dismiss or to summon them; or, as a child once said to me +when I questioned him on this matter, "I can tell them to go, and +they go -, but sometimes they come when I don't tell them to come." +Whereupon I told him that he had almost as unlimited a command over +apparitions as a Roman centurion over his soldiers.--In the middle +of 1817, I think it was, that this faculty became positively +distressing to me: at night, when I lay awake in bed, vast +processions passed along in mournful pomp; friezes of never-ending +stories, that to my feelings were as sad and solemn as if they were +stories drawn from times before OEdipus or Priam, before Tyre, +before Memphis. And at the same time a corresponding change took +place in my dreams; a theatre seemed suddenly opened and lighted up +within my brain, which presented nightly spectacles of more than +earthly splendour. And the four following facts may be mentioned as +noticeable at this time: + +1. That as the creative state of the eye increased, a sympathy +seemed to arise between the waking and the dreaming states of the +brain in one point--that whatsoever I happened to call up and to +trace by a voluntary act upon the darkness was very apt to transfer +itself to my dreams, so that I feared to exercise this faculty; for, +as Midas turned all things to gold that yet baffled his hopes and +defrauded his human desires, so whatsoever things capable of being +visually represented I did but think of in the darkness, immediately +shaped themselves into phantoms of the eye; and by a process +apparently no less inevitable, when thus once traced in faint and +visionary colours, like writings in sympathetic ink, they were drawn +out by the fierce chemistry of my dreams into insufferable splendour +that fretted my heart. + +2. For this and all other changes in my dreams were accompanied by +deep-seated anxiety and gloomy melancholy, such as are wholly +incommunicable by words. I seemed every night to descend, not +metaphorically, but literally to descend, into chasms and sunless +abysses, depths below depths, from which it seemed hopeless that I +could ever reascend. Nor did I, by waking, feel that I HAD +reascended. This I do not dwell upon; because the state of gloom +which attended these gorgeous spectacles, amounting at last to utter +darkness, as of some suicidal despondency, cannot be approached by +words. + +3. The sense of space, and in the end the sense of time, were both +powerfully affected. Buildings, landscapes, &c., were exhibited in +proportions so vast as the bodily eye is not fitted to receive. +Space swelled, and was amplified to an extent of unutterable +infinity. This, however, did not disturb me so much as the vast +expansion of time; I sometimes seemed to have lived for 70 or 100 +years in one night--nay, sometimes had feelings representative of a +millennium passed in that time, or, however, of a duration far +beyond the limits of any human experience. + +4. The minutest incidents of childhood, or forgotten scenes of +later years, were often revived: I could not be said to recollect +them, for if I had been told of them when waking, I should not have +been able to acknowledge them as parts of my past experience. But +placed as they were before me, in dreams like intuitions, and +clothed in all their evanescent circumstances and accompanying +feelings, I RECOGNISED them instantaneously. I was once told by a +near relative of mine, that having in her childhood fallen into a +river, and being on the very verge of death but for the critical +assistance which reached her, she saw in a moment her whole life, in +its minutest incidents, arrayed before her simultaneously as in a +mirror; and she had a faculty developed as suddenly for +comprehending the whole and every part. This, from some opium +experiences of mine, I can believe; I have indeed seen the same +thing asserted twice in modern books, and accompanied by a remark +which I am convinced is true; viz., that the dread book of account +which the Scriptures speak of is in fact the mind itself of each +individual. Of this at least I feel assured, that there is no such +thing as FORGETTING possible to the mind; a thousand accidents may +and will interpose a veil between our present consciousness and the +secret inscriptions on the mind; accidents of the same sort will +also rend away this veil; but alike, whether veiled or unveiled, the +inscription remains for ever, just as the stars seem to withdraw +before the common light of day, whereas in fact we all know that it +is the light which is drawn over them as a veil, and that they are +waiting to be revealed when the obscuring daylight shall have +withdrawn. + +Having noticed these four facts as memorably distinguishing my +dreams from those of health, I shall now cite a case illustrative of +the first fact, and shall then cite any others that I remember, +either in their chronological order, or any other that may give them +more effect as pictures to the reader. + +I had been in youth, and even since, for occasional amusement, a +great reader of Livy, whom I confess that I prefer, both for style +and matter, to any other of the Roman historians; and I had often +felt as most solemn and appalling sounds, and most emphatically +representative of the majesty of the Roman people, the two words so +often occurring in Livy--Consul Romanus, especially when the consul +is introduced in his military character. I mean to say that the +words king, sultan, regent, &c., or any other titles of those who +embody in their own persons the collective majesty of a great +people, had less power over my reverential feelings. I had also, +though no great reader of history, made myself minutely and +critically familiar with one period of English history, viz., the +period of the Parliamentary War, having been attracted by the moral +grandeur of some who figured in that day, and by the many +interesting memoirs which survive those unquiet times. Both these +parts of my lighter reading, having furnished me often with matter +of reflection, now furnished me with matter for my dreams. Often I +used to see, after painting upon the blank darkness a sort of +rehearsal whilst waking, a crowd of ladies, and perhaps a festival +and dances. And I heard it said, or I said to myself, "These are +English ladies from the unhappy times of Charles I. These are the +wives and the daughters of those who met in peace, and sate at the +same table, and were allied by marriage or by blood; and yet, after +a certain day in August 1642, never smiled upon each other again, +nor met but in the field of battle; and at Marston Moor, at Newbury, +or at Naseby, cut asunder all ties of love by the cruel sabre, and +washed away in blood the memory of ancient friendship." The ladies +danced, and looked as lovely as the court of George IV. Yet I knew, +even in my dream, that they had been in the grave for nearly two +centuries. This pageant would suddenly dissolve; and at a clapping +of hands would be heard the heart-quaking sound OF CONSUL ROMANUS; +and immediately came "sweeping by," in gorgeous paludaments, Paulus +or Marius, girt round by a company of centurions, with the crimson +tunic hoisted on a spear, and followed by the alalagmos of the Roman +legions. + +Many years ago, when I was looking over Piranesi's, Antiquities of +Rome, Mr. Coleridge, who was standing by, described to me a set of +plates by that artist, called his DREAMS, and which record the +scenery of his own visions during the delirium of a fever. Some of +them (I describe only from memory of Mr. Coleridge's account) +represented vast Gothic halls, on the floor of which stood all sorts +of engines and machinery, wheels, cables, pulleys, levers, +catapults, &c. &c., expressive of enormous power put forth and +resistance overcome. Creeping along the sides of the walls you +perceived a staircase; and upon it, groping his way upwards, was +Piranesi himself: follow the stairs a little further and you +perceive it come to a sudden and abrupt termination without any +balustrade, and allowing no step onwards to him who had reached the +extremity except into the depths below. Whatever is to become of +poor Piranesi, you suppose at least that his labours must in some +way terminate here. But raise your eyes, and behold a second flight +of stairs still higher, on which again Piranesi is perceived, but +this time standing on the very brink of the abyss. Again elevate +your eye, and a still more aerial flight of stairs is beheld, and +again is poor Piranesi busy on his aspiring labours; and so on, +until the unfinished stairs and Piranesi both are lost in the upper +gloom of the hall. With the same power of endless growth and self- +reproduction did my architecture proceed in dreams. In the early +stage of my malady the splendours of my dreams were indeed chiefly +architectural; and I beheld such pomp of cities and palaces as was +never yet beheld by the waking eye unless in the clouds. From a +great modern poet I cite part of a passage which describes, as an +appearance actually beheld in the clouds, what in many of its +circumstances I saw frequently in sleep: + + +The appearance, instantaneously disclosed, +Was of a mighty city--boldly say +A wilderness of building, sinking far +And self-withdrawn into a wondrous depth, +Far sinking into splendour--without end! +Fabric it seem'd of diamond, and of gold, +With alabaster domes, and silver spires, +And blazing terrace upon terrace, high +Uplifted; here, serene pavilions bright +In avenues disposed; there towers begirt +With battlements that on their restless fronts +Bore stars--illumination of all gems! +By earthly nature had the effect been wrought +Upon the dark materials of the storm +Now pacified; on them, and on the coves, +And mountain-steeps and summits, whereunto +The vapours had receded,--taking there +Their station under a cerulean sky. &c. &c. + + +The sublime circumstance, "battlements that on their RESTLESS fronts +bore stars," might have been copied from my architectural dreams, +for it often occurred. We hear it reported of Dryden and of Fuseli, +in modern times, that they thought proper to eat raw meat for the +sake of obtaining splendid dreams: how much better for such a +purpose to have eaten opium, which yet I do not remember that any +poet is recorded to have done, except the dramatist Shadwell; and in +ancient days Homer is I think rightly reputed to have known the +virtues of opium. + +To my architecture succeeded dreams of lakes and silvery expanses of +water: these haunted me so much that I feared (though possibly it +will appear ludicrous to a medical man) that some dropsical state or +tendency of the brain might thus be making itself (to use a +metaphysical word) OBJECTIVE; and the sentient organ PROJECT itself +as its own object. For two months I suffered greatly in my head, a +part of my bodily structure which had hitherto been so clear from +all touch or taint of weakness (physically I mean) that I used to +say of it, as the last Lord Orford said of his stomach, that it +seemed likely to survive the rest of my person. Till now I had +never felt a headache even, or any the slightest pain, except +rheumatic pains caused by my own folly. However, I got over this +attack, though it must have been verging on something very +dangerous. + +The waters now changed their character--from translucent lakes +shining like mirrors they now became seas and oceans. And now came +a tremendous change, which, unfolding itself slowly like a scroll +through many months, promised an abiding torment; and in fact it +never left me until the winding up of my case. Hitherto the human +face had mixed often in my dreams, but not despotically nor with any +special power of tormenting. But now that which I have called the +tyranny of the human face began to unfold itself. Perhaps some part +of my London life might be answerable for this. Be that as it may, +now it was that upon the rocking waters of the ocean the human face +began to appear; the sea appeared paved with innumerable faces +upturned to the heavens--faces imploring, wrathful, despairing, +surged upwards by thousands, by myriads, by generations, by +centuries: my agitation was infinite; my mind tossed and surged +with the ocean. + + +May 1818 + + +The Malay has been a fearful enemy for months. I have been every +night, through his means, transported into Asiatic scenes. I know +not whether others share in my feelings on this point; but I have +often thought that if I were compelled to forego England, and to +live in China, and among Chinese manners and modes of life and +scenery, I should go mad. The causes of my horror lie deep, and +some of them must be common to others. Southern Asia in general is +the seat of awful images and associations. As the cradle of the +human race, it would alone have a dim and reverential feeling +connected with it. But there are other reasons. No man can pretend +that the wild, barbarous, and capricious superstitions of Africa, or +of savage tribes elsewhere, affect him in the way that he is +affected by the ancient, monumental, cruel, and elaborate religions +of Indostan, &c. The mere antiquity of Asiatic things, of their +institutions, histories, modes of faith, &c., is so impressive, that +to me the vast age of the race and name overpowers the sense of +youth in the individual. A young Chinese seems to me an +antediluvian man renewed. Even Englishmen, though not bred in any +knowledge of such institutions, cannot but shudder at the mystic +sublimity of CASTES that have flowed apart, and refused to mix, +through such immemorial tracts of time; nor can any man fail to be +awed by the names of the Ganges or the Euphrates. It contributes +much to these feelings that southern Asia is, and has been for +thousands of years, the part of the earth most swarming with human +life, the great officina gentium. Man is a weed in those regions. +The vast empires also in which the enormous population of Asia has +always been cast, give a further sublimity to the feelings +associated with all Oriental names or images. In China, over and +above what it has in common with the rest of southern Asia, I am +terrified by the modes of life, by the manners, and the barrier of +utter abhorrence and want of sympathy placed between us by feelings +deeper than I can analyse. I could sooner live with lunatics or +brute animals. All this, and much more than I can say or have time +to say, the reader must enter into before he can comprehend the +unimaginable horror which these dreams of Oriental imagery and +mythological tortures impressed upon me. Under the connecting +feeling of tropical heat and vertical sunlights I brought together +all creatures, birds, beasts, reptiles, all trees and plants, usages +and appearances, that are found in all tropical regions, and +assembled them together in China or Indostan. From kindred +feelings, I soon brought Egypt and all her gods under the same law. +I was stared at, hooted at, grinned at, chattered at, by monkeys, by +parroquets, by cockatoos. I ran into pagodas, and was fixed for +centuries at the summit or in secret rooms: I was the idol; I was +the priest; I was worshipped; I was sacrificed. I fled from the +wrath of Brama through all the forests of Asia: Vishnu hated me: +Seeva laid wait for me. I came suddenly upon Isis and Osiris: I +had done a deed, they said, which the ibis and the crocodile +trembled at. I was buried for a thousand years in stone coffins, +with mummies and sphynxes, in narrow chambers at the heart of +eternal pyramids. I was kissed, with cancerous kisses, by +crocodiles; and laid, confounded with all unutterable slimy things, +amongst reeds and Nilotic mud. + +I thus give the reader some slight abstraction of my Oriental +dreams, which always filled me with such amazement at the monstrous +scenery that horror seemed absorbed for a while in sheer +astonishment. Sooner or later came a reflux of feeling that +swallowed up the astonishment, and left me not so much in terror as +in hatred and abomination of what I saw. Over every form, and +threat, and punishment, and dim sightless incarceration, brooded a +sense of eternity and infinity that drove me into an oppression as +of madness. Into these dreams only it was, with one or two slight +exceptions, that any circumstances of physical horror entered. All +before had been moral and spiritual terrors. But here the main +agents were ugly birds, or snakes, or crocodiles; especially the +last. The cursed crocodile became to me the object of more horror +than almost all the rest. I was compelled to live with him, and (as +was always the case almost in my dreams) for centuries. I escaped +sometimes, and found myself in Chinese houses, with cane tables, &c. +All the feet of the tables, sofas, &c., soon became instinct with +life: the abominable head of the crocodile, and his leering eyes, +looked out at me, multiplied into a thousand repetitions; and I +stood loathing and fascinated. And so often did this hideous +reptile haunt my dreams that many times the very same dream was +broken up in the very same way: I heard gentle voices speaking to +me (I hear everything when I am sleeping), and instantly I awoke. +It was broad noon, and my children were standing, hand in hand, at +my bedside--come to show me their coloured shoes, or new frocks, or +to let me see them dressed for going out. I protest that so awful +was the transition from the damned crocodile, and the other +unutterable monsters and abortions of my dreams, to the sight of +innocent HUMAN natures and of infancy, that in the mighty and sudden +revulsion of mind I wept, and could not forbear it, as I kissed +their faces. + + +June 1819 + + +I have had occasion to remark, at various periods of my life, that +the deaths of those whom we love, and indeed the contemplation of +death generally, is (caeteris paribus) more affecting in summer than +in any other season of the year. And the reasons are these three, I +think: first, that the visible heavens in summer appear far higher, +more distant, and (if such a solecism may be excused) more infinite; +the clouds, by which chiefly the eye expounds the distance of the +blue pavilion stretched over our heads, are in summer more +voluminous, massed and accumulated in far grander and more towering +piles. Secondly, the light and the appearances of the declining and +the setting sun are much more fitted to be types and characters of +the Infinite. And thirdly (which is the main reason), the exuberant +and riotous prodigality of life naturally forces the mind more +powerfully upon the antagonist thought of death, and the wintry +sterility of the grave. For it may be observed generally, that +wherever two thoughts stand related to each other by a law of +antagonism, and exist, as it were, by mutual repulsion, they are apt +to suggest each other. On these accounts it is that I find it +impossible to banish the thought of death when I am walking alone in +the endless days of summer; and any particular death, if not more +affecting, at least haunts my mind more obstinately and besiegingly +in that season. Perhaps this cause, and a slight incident which I +omit, might have been the immediate occasions of the following +dream, to which, however, a predisposition must always have existed +in my mind; but having been once roused it never left me, and split +into a thousand fantastic varieties, which often suddenly reunited, +and composed again the original dream. + +I thought that it was a Sunday morning in May, that it was Easter +Sunday, and as yet very early in the morning. I was standing, as it +seemed to me, at the door of my own cottage. Right before me lay +the very scene which could really be commanded from that situation, +but exalted, as was usual, and solemnised by the power of dreams. +There were the same mountains, and the same lovely valley at their +feet; but the mountains were raised to more than Alpine height, and +there was interspace far larger between them of meadows and forest +lawns; the hedges were rich with white roses; and no living creature +was to be seen, excepting that in the green churchyard there were +cattle tranquilly reposing upon the verdant graves, and particularly +round about the grave of a child whom I had tenderly loved, just as +I had really beheld them, a little before sunrise in the same +summer, when that child died. I gazed upon the well-known scene, +and I said aloud (as I thought) to myself, "It yet wants much of +sunrise, and it is Easter Sunday; and that is the day on which they +celebrate the first fruits of resurrection. I will walk abroad; old +griefs shall be forgotten to-day; for the air is cool and still, and +the hills are high and stretch away to heaven; and the forest glades +are as quiet as the churchyard, and with the dew I can wash the +fever from my forehead, and then I shall be unhappy no longer." And +I turned as if to open my garden gate, and immediately I saw upon +the left a scene far different, but which yet the power of dreams +had reconciled into harmony with the other. The scene was an +Oriental one, and there also it was Easter Sunday, and very early in +the morning. And at a vast distance were visible, as a stain upon +the horizon, the domes and cupolas of a great city--an image or +faint abstraction, caught perhaps in childhood from some picture of +Jerusalem. And not a bow-shot from me, upon a stone and shaded by +Judean palms, there sat a woman, and I looked, and it was--Ann! She +fixed her eyes upon me earnestly, and I said to her at length: "So, +then, I have found you at last." I waited, but she answered me not +a word. Her face was the same as when I saw it last, and yet again +how different! Seventeen years ago, when the lamp-light fell upon +her face, as for the last time I kissed her lips (lips, Ann, that to +me were not polluted), her eyes were streaming with tears: the +tears were now wiped away; she seemed more beautiful than she was at +that time, but in all other points the same, and not older. Her +looks were tranquil, but with unusual solemnity of expression, and I +now gazed upon her with some awe; but suddenly her countenance grew +dim, and turning to the mountains I perceived vapours rolling +between us. In a moment all had vanished, thick darkness came on, +and in the twinkling of an eye I was far away from mountains, and by +lamplight in Oxford Street, walking again with Ann--just as we +walked seventeen years before, when we were both children. + +As a final specimen, I cite one of a different character, from 1820. + +The dream commenced with a music which now I often heard in dreams-- +a music of preparation and of awakening suspense, a music like the +opening of the Coronation Anthem, and which, like THAT, gave the +feeling of a vast march, of infinite cavalcades filing off, and the +tread of innumerable armies. The morning was come of a mighty day-- +a day of crisis and of final hope for human nature, then suffering +some mysterious eclipse, and labouring in some dread extremity. +Somewhere, I knew not where--somehow, I knew not how--by some +beings, I knew not whom--a battle, a strife, an agony, was +conducting, was evolving like a great drama or piece of music, with +which my sympathy was the more insupportable from my confusion as to +its place, its cause, its nature, and its possible issue. I, as is +usual in dreams (where of necessity we make ourselves central to +every movement), had the power, and yet had not the power, to decide +it. I had the power, if I could raise myself to will it, and yet +again had not the power, for the weight of twenty Atlantics was upon +me, or the oppression of inexpiable guilt. "Deeper than ever +plummet sounded," I lay inactive. Then like a chorus the passion +deepened. Some greater interest was at stake, some mightier cause +than ever yet the sword had pleaded, or trumpet had proclaimed. +Then came sudden alarms, hurryings to and fro, trepidations of +innumerable fugitives--I knew not whether from the good cause or the +bad, darkness and lights, tempest and human faces, and at last, with +the sense that all was lost, female forms, and the features that +were worth all the world to me, and but a moment allowed--and +clasped hands, and heart-breaking partings, and then--everlasting +farewells! And with a sigh, such as the caves of Hell sighed when +the incestuous mother uttered the abhorred name of death, the sound +was reverberated--everlasting farewells! And again and yet again +reverberated--everlasting farewells! + +And I awoke in struggles, and cried aloud--"I will sleep no more." + +But I am now called upon to wind up a narrative which has already +extended to an unreasonable length. Within more spacious limits the +materials which I have used might have been better unfolded, and +much which I have not used might have been added with effect. +Perhaps, however, enough has been given. It now remains that I +should say something of the way in which this conflict of horrors +was finally brought to a crisis. The reader is already aware (from +a passage near the beginning of the introduction to the first part) +that the Opium-eater has, in some way or other, "unwound almost to +its final links the accursed chain which bound him." By what means? +To have narrated this according to the original intention would have +far exceeded the space which can now be allowed. It is fortunate, +as such a cogent reason exists for abridging it, that I should, on a +maturer view of the case, have been exceedingly unwilling to injure, +by any such unaffecting details, the impression of the history +itself, as an appeal to the prudence and the conscience of the yet +unconfirmed opium-eater--or even (though a very inferior +consideration) to injure its effect as a composition. The interest +of the judicious reader will not attach itself chiefly to the +subject of the fascinating spells, but to the fascinating power. +Not the Opium-eater, but the opium, is the true hero of the tale, +and the legitimate centre on which the interest revolves. The +object was to display the marvellous agency of opium, whether for +pleasure or for pain: if that is done, the action of the piece has +closed. + +However, as some people, in spite of all laws to the contrary, will +persist in asking what became of the Opium-eater, and in what state +he now is, I answer for him thus: The reader is aware that opium +had long ceased to found its empire on spells of pleasure; it was +solely by the tortures connected with the attempt to abjure it that +it kept its hold. Yet, as other tortures, no less it may be +thought, attended the non-abjuration of such a tyrant, a choice only +of evils was left; and THAT might as well have been adopted which, +however terrific in itself, held out a prospect of final restoration +to happiness. This appears true; but good logic gave the author no +strength to act upon it. However, a crisis arrived for the author's +life, and a crisis for other objects still dearer to him--and which +will always be far dearer to him than his life, even now that it is +again a happy one. I saw that I must die if I continued the opium. +I determined, therefore, if that should be required, to die in +throwing it off. How much I was at that time taking I cannot say, +for the opium which I used had been purchased for me by a friend, +who afterwards refused to let me pay him; so that I could not +ascertain even what quantity I had used within the year. I +apprehend, however, that I took it very irregularly, and that I +varied from about fifty or sixty grains to 150 a day. My first task +was to reduce it to forty, to thirty, and as fast as I could to +twelve grains. + +I triumphed. But think not, reader, that therefore my sufferings +were ended, nor think of me as of one sitting in a DEJECTED state. +Think of me as one, even when four months had passed, still +agitated, writhing, throbbing, palpitating, shattered, and much +perhaps in the situation of him who has been racked, as I collect +the torments of that state from the affecting account of them left +by a most innocent sufferer {20} of the times of James I. Meantime, +I derived no benefit from any medicine, except one prescribed to me +by an Edinburgh surgeon of great eminence, viz., ammoniated tincture +of valerian. Medical account, therefore, of my emancipation I have +not much to give, and even that little, as managed by a man so +ignorant of medicine as myself, would probably tend only to mislead. +At all events, it would be misplaced in this situation. The moral +of the narrative is addressed to the opium-eater, and therefore of +necessity limited in its application. If he is taught to fear and +tremble, enough has been effected. But he may say that the issue of +my case is at least a proof that opium, after a seventeen years' use +and an eight years' abuse of its powers, may still be renounced, and +that HE may chance to bring to the task greater energy than I did, +or that with a stronger constitution than mine he may obtain the +same results with less. This may be true. I would not presume to +measure the efforts of other men by my own. I heartily wish him +more energy. I wish him the same success. Nevertheless, I had +motives external to myself which he may unfortunately want, and +these supplied me with conscientious supports which mere personal +interests might fail to supply to a mind debilitated by opium. + +Jeremy Taylor conjectures that it may be as painful to be born as to +die. I think it probable; and during the whole period of +diminishing the opium I had the torments of a man passing out of one +mode of existence into another. The issue was not death, but a sort +of physical regeneration; and I may add that ever since, at +intervals, I have had a restoration of more than youthful spirits, +though under the pressure of difficulties which in a less happy +state of mind I should have called misfortunes. + +One memorial of my former condition still remains--my dreams are not +yet perfectly calm; the dread swell and agitation of the storm have +not wholly subsided; the legions that encamped in them are drawing +off, but not all departed; my sleep is still tumultuous, and, like +the gates of Paradise to our first parents when looking back from +afar, it is still (in the tremendous line of Milton) + + +With dreadful faces throng'd, and fiery arms. + + + +APPENDIX + + + +From the "London Magazine" for December 1822. + +The interest excited by the two papers bearing this title, in our +numbers for September and October 1821, will have kept our promise +of a Third Part fresh in the remembrance of our readers. That we +are still unable to fulfil our engagement in its original meaning +will, we, are sure, be matter of regret to them as to ourselves, +especially when they have perused the following affecting narrative. +It was composed for the purpose of being appended to an edition of +the Confessions in a separate volume, which is already before the +public, and we have reprinted it entire, that our subscribers may be +in possession of the whole of this extraordinary history. + + +The proprietors of this little work having determined on reprinting +it, some explanation seems called for, to account for the non- +appearance of a third part promised in the London Magazine of +December last; and the more so because the proprietors, under whose +guarantee that promise was issued, might otherwise be implicated in +the blame--little or much--attached to its non-fulfilment. This +blame, in mere justice, the author takes wholly upon himself. What +may be the exact amount of the guilt which he thus appropriates is a +very dark question to his own judgment, and not much illuminated by +any of the masters in casuistry whom he has consulted on the +occasion. On the one hand it seems generally agreed that a promise +is binding in the inverse ratio of the numbers to whom it is made; +for which reason it is that we see many persons break promises +without scruple that are made to a whole nation, who keep their +faith religiously in all private engagements, breaches of promise +towards the stronger party being committed at a man's own peril; on +the other hand, the only parties interested in the promises of an +author are his readers, and these it is a point of modesty in any +author to believe as few as possible--or perhaps only one, in which +case any promise imposes a sanctity of moral obligation which it is +shocking to think of. Casuistry dismissed, however, the author +throws himself on the indulgent consideration of all who may +conceive themselves aggrieved by his delay, in the following account +of his own condition from the end of last year, when the engagement +was made, up nearly to the present time. For any purpose of self- +excuse it might be sufficient to say that intolerable bodily +suffering had totally disabled him for almost any exertion of mind, +more especially for such as demands and presupposes a pleasurable +and genial state of feeling; but, as a case that may by possibility +contribute a trifle to the medical history of opium, in a further +stage of its action than can often have been brought under the +notice of professional men, he has judged that it might be +acceptable to some readers to have it described more at length. +Fiat experimentum in corpore vili is a just rule where there is any +reasonable presumption of benefit to arise on a large scale. What +the benefit may be will admit of a doubt, but there can be none as +to the value of the body; for a more worthless body than his own the +author is free to confess cannot be. It is his pride to believe +that it is the very ideal of a base, crazy, despicable human system, +that hardly ever could have been meant to be seaworthy for two days +under the ordinary storms and wear and tear of life; and indeed, if +that were the creditable way of disposing of human bodies, he must +own that he should almost be ashamed to bequeath his wretched +structure to any respectable dog. But now to the case, which, for +the sake of avoiding the constant recurrence of a cumbersome +periphrasis, the author will take the liberty of giving in the first +person. + + +Those who have read the Confessions will have closed them with the +impression that I had wholly renounced the use of opium. This +impression I meant to convey, and that for two reasons: first, +because the very act of deliberately recording such a state of +suffering necessarily presumes in the recorder a power of surveying +his own case as a cool spectator, and a degree of spirits for +adequately describing it which it would be inconsistent to suppose +in any person speaking from the station of an actual sufferer; +secondly, because I, who had descended from so large a quantity as +8,000 drops to so small a one (comparatively speaking) as a quantity +ranging between 300 and 160 drops, might well suppose that the +victory was in effect achieved. In suffering my readers, therefore, +to think of me as of a reformed opium-eater, I left no impression +but what I shared myself; and, as may be seen, even this impression +was left to be collected from the general tone of the conclusion, +and not from any specific words, which are in no instance at +variance with the literal truth. In no long time after that paper +was written I became sensible that the effort which remained would +cost me far more energy than I had anticipated, and the necessity +for making it was more apparent every month. In particular I became +aware of an increasing callousness or defect of sensibility in the +stomach, and this I imagined might imply a scirrhous state of that +organ, either formed or forming. An eminent physician, to whose +kindness I was at that time deeply indebted, informed me that such a +termination of my case was not impossible, though likely to be +forestalled by a different termination in the event of my continuing +the use of opium. Opium therefore I resolved wholly to abjure as +soon as I should find myself at liberty to bend my undivided +attention and energy to this purpose. It was not, however, until +the 24th of June last that any tolerable concurrence of facilities +for such an attempt arrived. On that day I began my experiment, +having previously settled in my own mind that I would not flinch, +but would "stand up to the scratch" under any possible "punishment." +I must premise that about 170 or 180 drops had been my ordinary +allowance for many months; occasionally I had run up as high as 500, +and once nearly to 700; in repeated preludes to my final experiment +I had also gone as low as 100 drops; but had found it impossible to +stand it beyond the fourth day--which, by the way, I have always +found more difficult to get over than any of the preceding three. I +went off under easy sail--130 drops a day for three days; on the +fourth I plunged at once to 80. The misery which I now suffered +"took the conceit" out of me at once, and for about a month I +continued off and on about this mark; then I sunk to 60, and the +next day to--none at all. This was the first day for nearly ten +years that I had existed without opium. I persevered in my +abstinence for ninety hours; i.e., upwards of half a week. Then I +took--ask me not how much; say, ye severest, what would ye have +done? Then I abstained again--then took about 25 drops then +abstained; and so on. + +Meantime the symptoms which attended my case for the first six weeks +of my experiment were these: enormous irritability and excitement +of the whole system; the stomach in particular restored to a full +feeling of vitality and sensibility, but often in great pain; +unceasing restlessness night and day; sleep--I scarcely knew what it +was; three hours out of the twenty-four was the utmost I had, and +that so agitated and shallow that I heard every sound that was near +me. Lower jaw constantly swelling, mouth ulcerated, and many other +distressing symptoms that would be tedious to repeat; amongst which, +however, I must mention one, because it had never failed to +accompany any attempt to renounce opium--viz., violent sternutation. +This now became exceedingly troublesome, sometimes lasting for two +hours at once, and recurring at least twice or three times a day. I +was not much surprised at this on recollecting what I had somewhere +heard or read, that the membrane which lines the nostrils is a +prolongation of that which lines the stomach; whence, I believe, are +explained the inflammatory appearances about the nostrils of dram +drinkers. The sudden restoration of its original sensibility to the +stomach expressed itself, I suppose, in this way. It is remarkable +also that during the whole period of years through which I had taken +opium I had never once caught cold (as the phrase is), nor even the +slightest cough. But now a violent cold attacked me, and a cough +soon after. In an unfinished fragment of a letter begun about this +time to--I find these words: "You ask me to write the--Do you know +Beaumont and Fletcher's play of "Thierry and Theodore"? There you +will see my case as to sleep; nor is it much of an exaggeration in +other features. I protest to you that I have a greater influx of +thoughts in one hour at present than in a whole year under the reign +of opium. It seems as though all the thoughts which had been frozen +up for a decade of years by opium had now, according to the old +fable, been thawed at once--such a multitude stream in upon me from +all quarters. Yet such is my impatience and hideous irritability +that for one which I detain and write down fifty escape me: in +spite of my weariness from suffering and want of sleep, I cannot +stand still or sit for two minutes together. 'I nunc, et versus +tecum meditare canoros.'" + +At this stage of my experiment I sent to a neighbouring surgeon, +requesting that he would come over to see me. In the evening he +came; and after briefly stating the case to him, I asked this +question; Whether he did not think that the opium might have acted +as a stimulus to the digestive organs, and that the present state of +suffering in the stomach, which manifestly was the cause of the +inability to sleep, might arise from indigestion? His answer was; +No; on the contrary, he thought that the suffering was caused by +digestion itself, which should naturally go on below the +consciousness, but which from the unnatural state of the stomach, +vitiated by so long a use of opium, was become distinctly +perceptible. This opinion was plausible; and the unintermitting +nature of the suffering disposes me to think that it was true, for +if it had been any mere IRREGULAR affection of the stomach, it +should naturally have intermitted occasionally, and constantly +fluctuated as to degree. The intention of nature, as manifested in +the healthy state, obviously is to withdraw from our notice all the +vital motions, such as the circulation of the blood, the expansion +and contraction of the lungs, the peristaltic action of the stomach, +&c., and opium, it seems, is able in this, as in other instances, to +counteract her purposes. By the advice of the surgeon I tried +BITTERS. For a short time these greatly mitigated the feelings +under which I laboured, but about the forty-second day of the +experiment the symptoms already noticed began to retire, and new +ones to arise of a different and far more tormenting class; under +these, but with a few intervals of remission, I have since continued +to suffer. But I dismiss them undescribed for two reasons: first, +because the mind revolts from retracing circumstantially any +sufferings from which it is removed by too short or by no interval. +To do this with minuteness enough to make the review of any use +would be indeed infandum renovare dolorem, and possibly without a +sufficient motive; for secondly, I doubt whether this latter state +be anyway referable to opium--positively considered, or even +negatively; that is, whether it is to be numbered amongst the last +evils from the direct action of opium, or even amongst the earliest +evils consequent upon a WANT of opium in a system long deranged by +its use. Certainly one part of the symptoms might be accounted for +from the time of year (August), for though the summer was not a hot +one, yet in any case the sum of all the heat FUNDED (if one may say +so) during the previous months, added to the existing heat of that +month, naturally renders August in its better half the hottest part +of the year; and it so happened that--the excessive perspiration +which even at Christmas attends any great reduction in the daily +quantum of opium--and which in July was so violent as to oblige me +to use a bath five or six times a day--had about the setting-in of +the hottest season wholly retired, on which account any bad effect +of the heat might be the more unmitigated. Another symptom--viz., +what in my ignorance I call internal rheumatism (sometimes affecting +the shoulders, &c., but more often appearing to be seated in the +stomach)--seemed again less probably attributable to the opium, or +the want of opium, than to the dampness of the house {21} which I +inhabit, which had about this time attained its maximum, July having +been, as usual, a month of incessant rain in our most rainy part of +England. + +Under these reasons for doubting whether opium had any connexion +with the latter stage of my bodily wretchedness--except, indeed, as +an occasional cause, as having left the body weaker and more crazy, +and thus predisposed to any mal-influence whatever--I willingly +spare my reader all description of it; let it perish to him, and +would that I could as easily say let it perish to my own +remembrances, that any future hours of tranquillity may not be +disturbed by too vivid an ideal of possible human misery! + +So much for the sequel of my experiment. As to the former stage, in +which probably lies the experiment and its application to other +cases, I must request my reader not to forget the reasons for which +I have recorded it. These were two: First, a belief that I might +add some trifle to the history of opium as a medical agent. In this +I am aware that I have not at all fulfilled my own intentions, in +consequence of the torpor of mind, pain of body, and extreme disgust +to the subject which besieged me whilst writing that part of my +paper; which part being immediately sent off to the press (distant +about five degrees of latitude), cannot be corrected or improved. +But from this account, rambling as it may be, it is evident that +thus much of benefit may arise to the persons most interested in +such a history of opium, viz., to opium-eaters in general, that it +establishes, for their consolation and encouragement, the fact that +opium may be renounced, and without greater sufferings than an +ordinary resolution may support, and by a pretty rapid course {22} +of descent. + +To communicate this result of my experiment was my foremost purpose. +Secondly, as a purpose collateral to this, I wished to explain how +it had become impossible for me to compose a Third Part in time to +accompany this republication; for during the time of this experiment +the proof-sheets of this reprint were sent to me from London, and +such was my inability to expand or to improve them, that I could not +even bear to read them over with attention enough to notice the +press errors or to correct any verbal inaccuracies. These were my +reasons for troubling my reader with any record, long or short, of +experiments relating to so truly base a subject as my own body; and +I am earnest with the reader that he will not forget them, or so far +misapprehend me as to believe it possible that I would condescend to +so rascally a subject for its own sake, or indeed for any less +object than that of general benefit to others. Such an animal as +the self-observing valetudinarian I know there is; I have met him +myself occasionally, and I know that he is the worst imaginable +HEAUTONTIMOROUMENOS; aggravating and sustaining, by calling into +distinct consciousness, every symptom that would else perhaps, under +a different direction given to the thoughts, become evanescent. But +as to myself, so profound is my contempt for this undignified and +selfish habit, that I could as little condescend to it as I could to +spend my time in watching a poor servant girl, to whom at this +moment I hear some lad or other making love at the back of my house. +Is it for a Transcendental Philosopher to feel any curiosity on such +an occasion? Or can I, whose life is worth only eight and a half +years' purchase, be supposed to have leisure for such trivial +employments? However, to put this out of question, I shall say one +thing, which will perhaps shock some readers, but I am sure it ought +not to do so, considering the motives on which I say it. No man, I +suppose, employs much of his time on the phenomena of his own body +without some regard for it; whereas the reader sees that, so far +from looking upon mine with any complacency or regard, I hate it, +and make it the object of my bitter ridicule and contempt; and I +should not be displeased to know that the last indignities which the +law inflicts upon the bodies of the worst malefactors might +hereafter fall upon it. And, in testification of my sincerity in +saying this, I shall make the following offer. Like other men, I +have particular fancies about the place of my burial; having lived +chiefly in a mountainous region, I rather cleave to the conceit, +that a grave in a green churchyard amongst the ancient and solitary +hills will be a sublimer and more tranquil place of repose for a +philosopher than any in the hideous Golgothas of London. Yet if the +gentlemen of Surgeons' Hall think that any benefit can redound to +their science from inspecting the appearances in the body of an +opium-eater, let them speak but a word, and I will take care that +mine shall be legally secured to them--i.e., as soon as I have done +with it myself. Let them not hesitate to express their wishes upon +any scruples of false delicacy and consideration for my feelings; I +assure them they will do me too much honour by "demonstrating" on +such a crazy body as mine, and it will give me pleasure to +anticipate this posthumous revenge and insult inflicted upon that +which has caused me so much suffering in this life. Such bequests +are not common; reversionary benefits contingent upon the death of +the testator are indeed dangerous to announce in many cases: of +this we have a remarkable instance in the habits of a Roman prince, +who used, upon any notification made to him by rich persons that +they had left him a handsome estate in their wills, to express his +entire satisfaction at such arrangements and his gracious acceptance +of those loyal legacies; but then, if the testators neglected to +give him immediate possession of the property, if they traitorously +"persisted in living" (si vivere perseverarent, as Suetonius +expresses it), he was highly provoked, and took his measures +accordingly. In those times, and from one of the worst of the +Caesars, we might expect such conduct; but I am sure that from +English surgeons at this day I need look for no expressions of +impatience, or of any other feelings but such as are answerable to +that pure love of science and all its interests which induces me to +make such an offer. + +Sept 30, 1822 + + + + +Footnotes: + +{1} "Not yet RECORDED," I say; for there is one celebrated man of +the present day, who, if all be true which is reported of him, has +greatly exceeded me in quantity. + +{2} A third exception might perhaps have been added; and my reason +for not adding that exception is chiefly because it was only in his +juvenile efforts that the writer whom I allude to expressly +addressed hints to philosophical themes; his riper powers having +been all dedicated (on very excusable and very intelligible grounds, +under the present direction of the popular mind in England) to +criticism and the Fine Arts. This reason apart, however, I doubt +whether he is not rather to be considered an acute thinker than a +subtle one. It is, besides, a great drawback on his mastery over +philosophical subjects that he has obviously not had the advantage +of a regular scholastic education: he has not read Plato in his +youth (which most likely was only his misfortune), but neither has +he read Kant in his manhood (which is his fault). + +{3} I disclaim any allusion to EXISTING professors, of whom indeed +I know only one. + +{4} To this same Jew, by the way, some eighteen months afterwards, +I applied again on the same business; and, dating at that time from +a respectable college, I was fortunate enough to gain his serious +attention to my proposals. My necessities had not arisen from any +extravagance or youthful levities (these my habits and the nature of +my pleasures raised me far above), but simply from the vindictive +malice of my guardian, who, when he found himself no longer able to +prevent me from going to the university, had, as a parting token of +his good nature, refused to sign an order for granting me a shilling +beyond the allowance made to me at school--viz., 100 pounds per +annum. Upon this sum it was in my time barely possible to have +lived in college, and not possible to a man who, though above the +paltry affectation of ostentatious disregard for money, and without +any expensive tastes, confided nevertheless rather too much in +servants, and did not delight in the petty details of minute +economy. I soon, therefore, became embarrassed, and at length, +after a most voluminous negotiation with the Jew (some parts of +which, if I had leisure to rehearse them, would greatly amuse my +readers), I was put in possession of the sum I asked for, on the +"regular" terms of paying the Jew seventeen and a half per cent. by +way of annuity on all the money furnished; Israel, on his part, +graciously resuming no more than about ninety guineas of the said +money, on account of an attorney's bill (for what services, to whom +rendered, and when, whether at the siege of Jerusalem, at the +building of the second Temple, or on some earlier occasion, I have +not yet been able to discover). How many perches this bill measured +I really forget; but I still keep it in a cabinet of natural +curiosities, and some time or other I believe I shall present it to +the British Museum. + +{5} The Bristol mail is the best appointed in the Kingdom, owing to +the double advantages of an unusually good road and of an extra sum +for the expenses subscribed by the Bristol merchants. + +{6} It will be objected that many men, of the highest rank and +wealth, have in our own day, as well as throughout our history, been +amongst the foremost in courting danger in battle. True; but this +is not the case supposed; long familiarity with power has to them +deadened its effect and its attractions. + +{7} [Greek text] + +{8} [Greek text]. EURIP. Orest. + +{9} [Greek text] + +{10} [Greek text]. The scholar will know that throughout this +passage I refer to the early scenes of the Orestes; one of the most +beautiful exhibitions of the domestic affections which even the +dramas of Euripides can furnish. To the English reader it may be +necessary to say that the situation at the opening of the drama is +that of a brother attended only by his sister during the demoniacal +possession of a suffering conscience (or, in the mythology of the +play, haunted by the Furies), and in circumstances of immediate +danger from enemies, and of desertion or cold regard from nominal +friends. + +{11} EVANESCED: this way of going off the stage of life appears to +have been well known in the 17th century, but at that time to have +been considered a peculiar privilege of blood-royal, and by no means +to be allowed to druggists. For about the year 1686 a poet of +rather ominous name (and who, by-the-bye, did ample justice to his +name), viz., Mr. FLAT-MAN, in speaking of the death of Charles II. +expresses his surprise that any prince should commit so absurd an +act as dying, because, says he, + +"Kings should disdain to die, and only DISAPPEAR." + +They should ABSCOND, that is, into the other world. + +{12} Of this, however, the learned appear latterly to have doubted; +for in a pirated edition of Buchan's Domestic Medicine, which I once +saw in the hands of a farmer's wife, who was studying it for the +benefit of her health, the Doctor was made to say--"Be particularly +careful never to take above five-and-twenty OUNCES of laudanum at +once;" the true reading being probably five-and-twenty DROPS, which +are held equal to about one grain of crude opium. + +{13} Amongst the great herd of travellers, &c., who show +sufficiently by their stupidity that they never held any intercourse +with opium, I must caution my readers specially against the +brilliant author of Anastasius. This gentleman, whose wit would +lead one to presume him an opium-eater, has made it impossible to +consider him in that character, from the grievous misrepresentation +which he gives of its effects at pp. 215-17 of vol. i. Upon +consideration it must appear such to the author himself, for, +waiving the errors I have insisted on in the text, which (and +others) are adopted in the fullest manner, he will himself admit +that an old gentleman "with a snow-white beard," who eats "ample +doses of opium," and is yet able to deliver what is meant and +received as very weighty counsel on the bad effects of that +practice, is but an indifferent evidence that opium either kills +people prematurely or sends them into a madhouse. But for my part, +I see into this old gentleman and his motives: the fact is, he was +enamoured of "the little golden receptacle of the pernicious drug" +which Anastasius carried about him; and no way of obtaining it so +safe and so feasible occurred as that of frightening its owner out +of his wits (which, by the bye, are none of the strongest). This +commentary throws a new light upon the case, and greatly improves it +as a story; for the old gentleman's speech, considered as a lecture +on pharmacy, is highly absurd; but considered as a hoax on +Anastasius, it reads excellently. + +{14} I have not the book at this moment to consult; but I think the +passage begins--"And even that tavern music, which makes one man +merry, another mad, in me strikes a deep fit of devotion," &c. + +{15} A handsome newsroom, of which I was very politely made free in +passing through Manchester by several gentlemen of that place, is +called, I think, The Porch; whence I, who am a stranger in +Manchester, inferred that the subscribers meant to profess +themselves followers of Zeno. But I have been since assured that +this is a mistake. + +{16} I here reckon twenty-five drops of laudanum as equivalent to +one grain of opium, which, I believe, is the common estimate. +However, as both may be considered variable quantities (the crude +opium varying much in strength, and the tincture still more), I +suppose that no infinitesimal accuracy can be had in such a +calculation. Teaspoons vary as much in size as opium in strength. +Small ones hold about 100 drops; so that 8,000 drops are about +eighty times a teaspoonful. The reader sees how much I kept within +Dr. Buchan's indulgent allowance. + +{17} This, however, is not a necessary conclusion; the varieties of +effect produced by opium on different constitutions are infinite. A +London magistrate (Harriott's Struggles through Life, vol. iii. p. +391, third edition) has recorded that, on the first occasion of his +trying laudanum for the gout he took FORTY drops, the next night +SIXTY, and on the fifth night EIGHTY, without any effect whatever; +and this at an advanced age. I have an anecdote from a country +surgeon, however, which sinks Mr. Harriott's case into a trifle; and +in my projected medical treatise on opium, which I will publish +provided the College of Surgeons will pay me for enlightening their +benighted understandings upon this subject, I will relate it; but it +is far too good a story to be published gratis. + +{18} See the common accounts in any Eastern traveller or voyager of +the frantic excesses committed by Malays who have taken opium, or +are reduced to desperation by ill-luck at gambling. + +{19} The reader must remember what I here mean by THINKING, because +else this would be a very presumptuous expression. England, of +late, has been rich to excess in fine thinkers, in the departments +of creative and combining thought; but there is a sad dearth of +masculine thinkers in any analytic path. A Scotchman of eminent +name has lately told us that he is obliged to quit even mathematics +for want of encouragement. + +{20} William Lithgow. His book (Travels, &,c.) is ill and +pedantically written; but the account of his own sufferings on the +rack at Malaga is overpoweringly affecting. + +{21} In saying this I mean no disrespect to the individual house, +as the reader will understand when I tell him that, with the +exception of one or two princely mansions, and some few inferior +ones that have been coated with Roman cement, I am not acquainted +with any house in this mountainous district which is wholly +waterproof. The architecture of books, I flatter myself, is +conducted on just principles in this country; but for any other +architecture, it is in a barbarous state, and what is worse, in a +retrograde state. + +{22} On which last notice I would remark that mine was TOO rapid, +and the suffering therefore needlessly aggravated; or rather, +perhaps, it was not sufficiently continuous and equably graduated. +But that the reader may judge for himself, and above all that the +Opium-eater, who is preparing to retire from business, may have +every sort of information before him, I subjoin my diary:- + +First Week Second Week + Drops of Laud. Drops of Laud. +Mond. June 24 ... 130 Mond. July 1 ... 80 + 25 ... 140 2 ... 80 + 26 ... 130 3 ... 90 + 27 ... 80 4 ... 100 + 28 ... 80 5 ... 80 + 29 ... 80 6 ... 80 + 30 ... 80 7 ... 80 +Third Week Fourth Week +Mond. July 8 ... 300 Mond. July 15 ... 76 + 9 ... 50 16 ... 73.5 + 10 } 17 ... 73.5 + 11 } Hiatus in 18 ... 70 + 12 } MS. 19 ... 240 + 13 } 20 ... 80 + 14 ... 76 21 ... 350 +Fifth Week +Mond. July 22 ... 60 + 23 ... none. + 24 ... none. + 25 ... none. + 26 ... 200 + 27 ... none. + +What mean these abrupt relapses, the reader will ask perhaps, to +such numbers as 300, 350, &c.? The IMPULSE to these relapses was +mere infirmity of purpose; the MOTIVE, where any motive blended with +this impulse, was either the principle, of "reculer pour mieux +sauter;" (for under the torpor of a large dose, which lasted for a +day or two, a less quantity satisfied the stomach, which on +awakening found itself partly accustomed to this new ration); or +else it was this principle--that of sufferings otherwise equal, +those will be borne best which meet with a mood of anger. Now, +whenever I ascended to my large dose I was furiously incensed on the +following day, and could then have borne anything. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext of Confessions of an English Opium-Eater + diff --git a/old/opium10.zip b/old/opium10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b265c4b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/opium10.zip |